tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"

any product recs/stuff that makes ur life easier for a struggling disabled artist ? orz

I dont have much money so i have not bought a lot of things-

With my joint issues, it helps to wear compression stuff. Especially gloves. Trust me. Its worth it.

Generally bracing, i usually do my knees and wrist if needed. If i know im going to be standing or walking a lot, ill brace my knees. (I need to get new knee braces bc the ones i have currently are not doing what they need to)

ARTIST WISE- definitely compression gloves. If u use a tablet they are also good drawing gloves to protect the tablet from oils! If u crochet or knit or craft, theyre very helpful in preventing carpal tunnel aswell!

Always keep note of ur body! "Do my wrists need a break? Is this position ok on my knees? Am i subluxating my shoulder rn????" And other questions about breaks and positioning help me to. I also currently have my tablet and most crafts next to my bed, so if it gets especially bad i can lay down or move. Also nearby my meds lmao. Its also WAY easier to prop up my shoulders, knees, etc. And keep them from hyperextending in bed.

Also also, i have that all set up on a medical table like this. I got mine from my mom after her surgeries, but i reccomend getting a much bigger one because mine is a balancing act. Not good. GET ONE WITH WHEELS!!!! my one also pivots so i dont need to sleep with it over me or mess with it much.

I have a pain chart to assess where im at, if i pass an 8 i take a break or at LEAST grab my heat pad/pain meds.

I also keep water handy!! If i need meds or if im cramping/spasming it helps me to drink water.

Other tips i have are getting a stool to sit on in the shower! A shower chair would be better, but i share my bathroom with 3 other people and also. Money. So i dont have one currently. Also for showers- if it's harder for you to do hygeine because of your physical OR mental state, you can brush your teeth in the shower. Do it before washing, but like. Its better than not brushing, and when thats all you can do, do it. Also also, having something IN the shower to hold on to- sitting or standing, can also help. I have water guards and those have saved my skull TOO MANY TIMES. also showers help my brain and my body! The water temperature can act as an all over heating pad or ice pack and help with pain.

I love showers they are my best friend. Sad? Get in the shower. Hurt? Into the shower!!!

Heat pads help me, other people react well to heat. See if pain meds can help, but i only really take mine when im at an 8-10 because im paranoid about medicines.

Physical therapy ofc, its been helping me a bit. My place is pretty affordable too! Got lucky with that.

The only other thing I recommend is a rolling chair. If you have mobility issues or your knees hurt too bad to walk, but wheelchairs/mobility aids are too expensive, a rolling chair can work in the house. It's hard to go over bumps, but it's possible. My chair is ALSO broken !!! The back broke off because we've had it for 6+ years. Generally stools and chairs are good. Also just recognizing that you can do a decent amount of stuff while sitting helps. Just ,, sit.

Obv actual mobility aids are BETTER, but I dont have access to them so I make do!!!

Food wise, it can be SOO much easier to eat convenience meals (microwave stuff, sandwiches, etc) and if thats all u have to work with, its better than nothing! But i do reccomend having leftovers when you cook. Microwave that and its usually healthier and tastier and just as easy and non-physically taxing.

I also like to work ahead whemever possible. On good days i will prepare EVERYTHING needed for any physically hard task i have coming up. If i need a checklist or tasklist or a bag of items or to find something i lost, ill do that when its easiest.

ANYWAYS THAT WAS LONG. TLDR: rolly chairs, bed tables,compression gloves & other compression stuff, joint braces, topical treatments, pain meds, stools for the shower & other items for shower safety. HEAT PADS /ice packs

Actions: regular physical checkins, sit down more, do pt if possible, roll around the house, shower more, keep water handy, make extra leftovers for later, shower more, do what u can WHEN u can, prop up/support any loose joints with pillows.

in college when i had my first major ocd breakdown and had to go on meds i thought i had really bad GAD lol. that was my only diagnosis. but um i now recognize that it was absolutely full blown ocd lol

tw below for some OCD stuff i feel like sharing for some reason. may delete later bc i am going to get very ~vulnerable~

i was really scared to explain my thoughts to anyone bc 1) i knew logically they were bizarre and that embarrassed me and 2) i was scared talking about my intrusive thoughts would make them come true

basically i was obsessed with thoughts that my now ex was going to be in harms way or die, especially when it had been like. idk. more than 20 minutes from texting me

my intrusive thoughts were so strange..i would come up with really whacky ways that they could be fatally injured. like slipping in the shower or choking to death.

I knew these were unreasonable and weird and I did my absolute best to not pester my ex or make it weird. I didnt want to pressure her to do anything because of my out of control anxiety but it was getting super out of hand

I was getting so sick that I was having panic attacks if i hadnt heard from them in a couple hours, i threw up a few meals because of it

eventually i just stopped sleeping. Every time I started to fall asleep, my body jolted me awake. I had very little appetite and was holding back gags while eating.

The things I didn't really consider to be compulsions are pretty obvious to me now. on top of like intense magical thinking (believing my unusual thoughts were either going to cause something bad or that I had some sort of clairvoyance) i had begun publicly checking my pulse any time i was anxious. I thought i was being discreet but honestly my friends noticed it and asked me wtf i was doing ☠️ i was putting my two fingers on my jugular vein to see if i was panicking or anxious.

i also had a problem with compulsively reading the news in their area if i thought they had been hurt. in the attempt to get ahead of it. I was checking traffic data and friends blogs. It was honest to God a bit stalkerish and i knew that but i was terrified

I did tell them about it eventually and they were very gracious about it.

but this went on for a long time, probably months. Somehow i still coped with college classes and didn't fail anything but i was in a pass/fail school so no pressure to do substantially well

eventually i finally got my as to the doctor bc the therapy i was doing did Not work (it ws self guided CBT. I do not think the campus therapsit was equipped to handle the Brains issue i had)

i got put on a low dose of prozac, but when that didnt work (literally threw up a pill due to anxiety lmao) my doc increased the dose significantly and that helped quite a bit.

Anyway i stopped having so bad of OCD that i couldnt function, but of course i still have my moments

it took me like a couple weeks to figure out my fear was largely surrounding uncertainty and the inability to control things.

i think to be honest it is still present. and it seems to be triggered by major life events. Enzo is my new Subject but I'm better able to cope. It was hard when he was little leaving home, i was always scared I'd come back to a d*** puppy bc of something I did wrong. But! hes fine, we're fine. Him getting sick has been hard to deal with Because of this but im dealing. Im doing my best to just accept my obsrssions instead of fighting them or letting them spiral out of control

IDK what the point od this post is i just feel like i have to get it off my chest and i dont have a therapy appointment this week ❤️❤️❤️ my public tumblr is my diary:)

how're you doing? You've been quiet on here for a while now. Sending good vibes y'all's way, hope you're doing as well as you can

hey i randomly logged into this account today and saw this and sort of wanted to give an update :)

the last year and a half ish i think has been good and bad. i started college, i got my first real job, i got my drivers license, and i got my first semester with straight a's since like middle school! but also ive had a couple more major traumas, had a major loss, had issues with hoarding, had an alcohol problem for a while (pretty much okay with it now though), where i live is getting very dangerous for trans people, and my physical health has kind of tanked. also i realized i was a lesbian! i almost forgot that one lol

one of those major traumas (losing someone i was very close to in front of me) just kind of changed me. it was like how the psych ward i was in killed a part of me. i just dont feel like that same person anymore because she was in my life since i was a baby and i dont think that same me can exist in a world without her. that was about a year ago and im okay but its still really hard.

im in a lot better of a place now though. im actually still living with abusive family that im totally financially dependent on, but tomorrow im getting my car put in my name and this weekend im doing a doggy date for a dog shelter with a very old pitbull and i have friends and im learning to work on cars. i still very much am a lot better off than i was the last time i posted here.

also i sort of found religion? its weird but thats been a really major part of my life lately. i call myself christian adjacent because i believe in jesus and everything but i dont agree with literally any conservative christian belief. God loves queer people, abortion is a right, other religions should be respected and christians are privileged in the west (myself included), hell doesnt exist, refugees and immigrants should be welcomed with open arms, etc. i mostly align myself with quakers. thats been a really big thing with trauma and im so much better at coping and having healthy behaviors now because of it.

i did quit therapy and im pretty strongly anti the institution of psychiatry. @/trans-axolotl has a lot of posts on it and i dont want to get too into it here. basically therapy and meds arent inherently bad and should be much more accessible and many people benefit from and need them, but not everyone does and stripping autonomy away from mentally ill people is bad.

so yeah. im sort of okay. some things are worse and some things are better. and if anyone is still following this blog i hope yall are doing well. i probably wont ever come back, i dont really find this blog helpful anymore, but ill keep it up for now just in case.

2 unrelated questions:

Any advice for a person who is on a process of coming out (gay identity)?

How do I navigate social anxiety disorder?

Bit context:

- Realized that im most likely gay

- im 27 - no prior experience of sex, dating or relationships (i would want to but my anxiety makes dating & friendships in general hard)

- backage from past: school bullying & emotional neglect from parents = depression & mainly severe social anxiety disorder

- social anxiety isnt really related to being gay but to mostly negative experiences about ppl in general > being gay kinda is neutral or even positive thing for me in my mind but my anxiety disorder and negative self image skews my interpretation about things (for example anxiety about sex or other men)

- i guess the worst fear of mine is being bullied again

- social anxiety translates also to self-esteem & body image issues (i dont find myself attractive which is not entirely true i guess since for shits & giggles I made an account to an gay dating app and got couple likes in the 1st day - not planning to meet anyone though)

- i guess the best avenue for me would be to get a therapist which im currently doing but the waiting lists are long & i kinda need help now. Ive wasted enough time already.

i am so sorry i have no idea how long this has been sitting in the inbox, but i do have some things to say about this. i have a severe, debilitating anxiety disorder. it sucks. it is so bad. it has made so many social experiences so, so, SO BAD. dating for me has only ever worked out in situations which started like ldr/online dating. this might be something you can look into! the avenue of text, for me, helps my anxiety because i can revise what i'm saying as i go. i can also take my time interpreting messages longer (i'm nd as well so sometimes it's hard to register things and it takes longer to process and respond). it's likely you'll need to develop a close bond before you feel safe enough to pursue somebody romantically - joining discord servers or facebook groups relevant to the things you like and posting/messaging people from within them to make friends will be a good start. the fun thing about mean people on the internet is that it's really easy to get rid of them. you owe nobody anything on the internet - block people as needed. knowing this has helped me not be *as* scared of interacting online. i hope you are in therapy now, or that therapy comes soon, because the right therapist is such a relief on this stuff. -mod med

babe. that sounds HORRIFIC oh my god please go see a doctor

if it helps, I have some minor scoliosis that is sorta self corrected but its still shaped like an S and I cant really change that, so I have to deal with the compression in my sides. Physical therapy only helps so much for the pain, but its sorta supposed to stop it from getting worse. I cant be sure if you have scoliosis, but theres a test you can ask your chiropractor to do, sometimes the school nurse does it, that involves bending to touch your toes, knees locked, and they usually watch for one shoulder being held higher over the other, if that makes sense. Chiropractors dont really like working on patients with scoliosis, since it can be a liability for them and they dont wanna make you worse, but they can definitely point you in the right direction. Even if you dont have scoliosis, if you have concerns, its always better to be safe than sorry.

I cant really be much help with managing pain through meds, but if you are suffering, take them. I'd be careful of how much tylenol you take tho, something about the liver. Other than that, I'd try hot baths and epsom salts, they really help (i really like the lavender scented kind) and heating pads are a must. I've heard ice be used to help, but it's only made my muscles tighten up and spasm more, but it might be worth a try. I'd also recommend a bunch of anti-inflamitory foods and soothing teas. I really like the sleepytimes for when its late but youre still in Awake Mode- most times, not sleeping just makes the pain worse. I really like the honey-lemon and mint ones. It might sound redundant, but they're caffeine free too

sorry for the blocks of text just. please protect you back, it sounds awful </3

You know I started reading this and tried to think of ways to say it's not really that bad but then i thought harder and realized it actually is that bad hh

anyway im just sitting here holding this ask like mmhh?? its so sweet and kind??

i just—this is so nice thank you so much

uhm okay about the actual things you said: I was starting to develop scoliosis a few years ago (hereditary) and I was just exhausted all the time so I was slouching constantly and messing up my back, but I believe the scoliosis at least was rectified by chiropractic work before it could become a problem.

The exhaustion thing has continued though, which means it's really hard to break my body out of the habit of slouching (tho ive been doing WAY better with that nwo) and build up the muscles I need to keep myself upright.

It's never been this bad before, but I'm realizing now that it's been.....pretty bad and I've just been ignoring it and got used to it, so I think you're right and I need to do something about it <3

ohno just now realizing how my strategy for taking care of myself is 'ignore it until it can't be ignored anymore' and while that may be necessary due to circumstance it most certainly is not healthy well good thing i actually have an appointment with my doctor on friday

Your paragraph with the advice is genuinely.......really nice to read for some reason? Like it feels like a warm hug. and mmmm lavender scented epsom salts that sounds absolutely lovely.

also TEA BUDDIES I LOVE MINT TEA AND LEMON-HONEY

I'm frustrated today.

I stopped depending on people so i could get the shit down that I needed to do to improve. I stopped caring if i had someone to go to the gym with and just fucking did it. I stopped caring about if people were gunna do XYZ and would start without them. For the first time in a long time i was being selfish because i needed to be better in life.

Now i work out 4 to 5 times a week. I practice spanish and study cyber security at night and still make time for myself to game or to write. I'm still in therapy and im working on some other health issues.Suffice to say I'm doing okay. Last night i got a little drunk and messaged her knowing nothing good could come of it. She still isnt ready but the things i got to find out and the things she told me don't sit well with me.

Starting with we were never good for eachother. I was never able to make the changes i listed above until she came around. I tried to make sure she was drinking water, took her meds, i tried to set a healthy bedtime because we both had a habit of staying up late, i helped encourage you to workout, i gave you advice (maybe not the best) when it came to your career. Yet we were never good for eachother, i will be the first to admit I'm not perfect, hell even with all my changes i have a long fucking way to go. That's bullshit and you thanked me multiple times for being patient for standing by you, you told me I made you better too. So to tell me otherwise now felt like a straight slap to the face.

Ever since you came off birth control you're a completely different person towards me. That's not an understatement either, you are a completely different person from the one i started talking to in how you act, in how you think, in what you believe. You dont even fight for the things you told me you would, you dont work through the issues you promised you would. I know i made mistakes and i even lashed out (understandably I think) when you started to just give up. I kept my promises, im still here and you promised to never leave and you're nowhere to be found. Even the person I talked to last night wasn't you.

You told me you wanted to fix some things, like a habit you have which you told me from the beginning is why you wanted space. You wanted the courage to end your last relationship on your own or you'd have blamed me in part. I guess you never broke that habit because you did the same thing since you told me last night you started talking to a new person while we were figuring it out. While I was working on your Christmas gifts and telling you I loved you, you were letting someone steal you away.

So yeah I'm frustrated with myself, with you, with the situation. None of this should have happened. the worst part is I can't do anything about it, so instead on one of the few days off I get I can't focus on anything, I can't even sleep, and I'm still in a situation where I'm pining for someone who wants nothing to do with me right now.

To say I feel pathetic is an understatement.

Got home from work like an hour ago (early day yipee) butlike also today fucking sucked and im gonna go off a little

Okso first and foremost all but one person from an entire fucking department got let off for ''budget cuts'' today and not only that but us in the kitchen and ALL OF MEDICAL AS A FUCKING WHOLE recieved a budget cut. And we're already purchasing the lowest quality products overall. The department in question not only makes the workload easier on literally everyone but they get the residents out and about rather than rotting in their rooms. Its just so fucking vile and evil, and the department that they cut off is VITAL. The residents are gonna mentally deteriorate and more fights are gonna happen. The assisted living facility i work for is now a fucking PRISON. like dead fucking ass. I really fucking hope that the CNAs told the residents that love to complain because this shit is just straight up cruel and the owner of the corporation as a whole is so fucking lucky their name doesnt have to be public or else i wouldve already scheduled a flight to. Uh, you know <3

Another thing too solike. Okay this is morally inappropriate and i fully acknowledge that but i cant stop thinking abt it

So i had a dream this morning (like 8-10am) that the am aide i work with was gonna get fired, and then i also recieved bad news regarding a resident. IRL at around the same exact time i had that dream was when the department got fired *and* my am aide coworker recieved really bad news. I know i naturally have some clairvoyance butlike. FUCK I really hope it was all a coincidence and my meds were just working really well and that I dont get forebodings like that bc I know for a fact my psychosis will get the better of me if this happens even once more

Anyways i apologise for how out of touch that sounded, i genuinely am both seething for my coworkers who were dumped and saddened for my aide comrade

Butlike fucking UGH I've also been working like 4 days in a row with only one day off in between and Im fucking SHOT. I can technically work those shifts while also doing my laundry, making food, and attending therapy but I can't do much else bc its either Im getting ready to go to work, getting ready to go to bed for work in the morning, or using my one day off to clean everything that got dirty during my work days

Also the transphobia and burnt-out ableism I witness at work makes me wanna scream and break everything but i dont wanna fight with my coworkers in front of the residents so i just have to give the residents twice as much love as the malice theyre recieving like they're living in a perpetual state of good cop bad cop :)

im so tired im so tired im so tired im so tired. like i dont feel bad, i feel fine, but im exhausted in a depressed and dysphoric way. my moms been in therapy so i KNOW her ass knows what its like but shes got this whole girlboss work through it thing going on. shes like well if youre chronically depressed you should be used to it? so you should be able to carry on. i dont think she meant it i think she thinks im using depression as an excuse to slack off which is fair bc i faked sick to get out of going to school a fair amount but also im an adult and also ouch. my whole internal monologue is i cant i cant i cant do it i cant do it i dont want to i cant do it, like the whole day while im doing things i cant i cant i cant i cant i have to stop i have to leave i have to rest i CANT.

i need top and t NOW man t would fix me. right? right? i dont want to boost my antidepressant dose rn, and my adhd meds are good for like 8 hour periods but they dont help with long term exhaustion. not that theyre meant to. i think the dysphoria is making me depressed. i also think that after 8 semesters in a row including summers of 15 credits each i could use a break

5/27/2023

Im falling apart at the seams physically. My body cant keep up with all the pressure, stress, and work im putting it through. Its to the point where im taking ludicrous amounts of meds to keep it together. My body hurts so fucking bad from my muscles to my tendons to my bones im in pain all day. If i lose focus on whatever motor function im doing (using stairs, walking, running, fighting) i just collapse. Ive been dropping things cause the nerve damage in my hands is progressively getting worse. I deserve it though not only for being a piece of shit and failing those around me but just for my existence. My pops always told me growing up that “guys like us arent supposed to do well or live long” and i guess he was right cause im barely keeping myself in one piece. It’s ok tho cause im living for absolutely nothing right now. If i drop dead a couple people here n there will be sad but theyll soon forget and move on. I dont contribute anything to anyones life so its not like anything crumbles in my absence. Anyways every little detail ive ever known of my ex flooded back into my mind today in the gym and it left me fighting back tears and choking up while working out. Everything from how her old fursona back when she was a furry was a dutch angel dragon, how beautiful she looked everytime i saw her and her face lit up, the one time we were standing in the park at night and she kissed me and said “feels familiar”, how she always wanted to play apex or valorant, and most importantly as for now, how she used to make music. For shits and giggles i decided to go see if her music page was still up and it was. I decided to listen for old times sake and it reminded me of how i never told her how good i thought she was. I went straight to criticism and telling her how to improve it. Idk why im like that. Maybe cause its the way my parents were to me anytime i did anything i dont know. Its no excuse though. Dont get me wrong she still did rookie things like fill syllables with unnecessary curse words or make her vocals too low in the mixing process but its genuinely good music and ive been listening all day. Listening to the lyrics has made me realize how much i failed her. She placed a lot of emphasis and faith on me to help her or value her and i failed. And while my therapist would say something along the lines of “its not your responsibility to carry the burden of her happiness” i dont believe that to be the case at all. I think its something she placed in my hands trusting me and i failed. And that doesnt negate the insane way things ended between us. Her mother is still batshit fucking insane for the next level mental manipulation she did to my ex to make her mental state even more volatile than before. Idk. Maybe its my fault for leaving in the first place. Ive failed her every other way i cant not think i failed her by leaving and making those the only people she spent time around. Back when we first got together shes agree when her mother would say insane shit or treat her bad or her sister would bully her but by the end of it she flat out didnt think those things were happening. I just hope she got therapy like i begged her to so many times. Her ex best friend is a piece of shit though. Texting your best friends ex of almost 5 years the week after they have a nuclear break up confessing your unhealthy obsession from almost 6 years ago is disgusting. I was nice and all in my response because i thought my ex and her were doing it together as like a test of my character but i later found out it was just her disgusting ex best friend. And her reasoning as to why my ex shouldnt have gotten mad was “ive known you longer” no you dumb bitch youve known OF me longer. I didnt speak to you for 5 years you let this middle school crush go to your fucking head. I shared everything, heart and soul, with my ex for four almost 5 years and your disgusting selfish ass thinks you know me better cause we were locker mates in the 8th grade? Truly disgusting insane gross behavior. Anyways heres my exes music

Hiii :) i need a bit of help

(Ik i said i wouldnt do rant posts here but this one is also advice seeking? So we'll let it slide this time)

It's about uni and mental health and jobs, etc and just overall oversharing lmao. Feel free to skip ofc lol but if anyone has some advice/opinions to share, im all ears.

Basically, i just really don't know what to do with my life💀. I even took a gap year in between hs and uni to decide and ig it still didnt work😭.

I'm in uni studying languages (mandarin, portuguese and japanese) and the language part is going well so far, I guess? (And I do like it!). I even like a few of the other subjects (some of them i only have them for 1 semester so theyre not major subjects) but i really just cant handle it???

I wasn't happy with my choice in the sense that I think my job prospects after uni won't be great but I knew I wouldn't be able to handle anything else (im terrible at stem and most high-paying jobs require it lol + i have depressive episodes 24/7💀 and im pretty sure i have adhd*). But even picking smth i like and am not terrible at (not great at either but at least it's not math lol) im not able to handle it???

I was trying really hard at first, i didn't want to fuck this up, but the rhythm needed is just... way too much for someone who stuggled all throughout hs and has shit mental health.

I managed to work hard for a bit (studying everyday after class, doing 8hr study sessions during the weekend, revising quickly while waiting in line, etc) but then i let loose (or even went full days/weeks with minimal amount of studying) bc it was so overwhelming and now im cramming like 2/3 months worth of 3 different subjects and my exams are in Jan/Feb (the first available dates on the 10th) and ill be lucky to pass a single one of them with the speed im going at.

Even on days i get up early to study and barely even look at my phone, it's just too much stuff and im not fast enough + i lack a lot of things bc of my slacking off in hs.

I go to uni in Italy and if you fall behind u have to pay more but ig it's better than putting all this effort and most of all money to then just drop out and be left degreeless?

But I feel so freaking terrible bc i literally dont even work part-time or anything and i still live with my parents and theyre the ones paying for all of my stuff basically? So to add a higher cost bc i couldnt keep up with uni🥲 but then, if i take a part-time job, ill be making some money but uni will be going even worst and itll still be a waste of money???

I've talked to multiple therapists/psychiatrists, asking them even for LIGHT anxiety meds and *all* of them have refused (I also made it clear that I would still go to therapy even if I got meds but nothing).

Studying calms me down a bit but even tho ive started doing it daily again and for hours on end, im still akskdkdkrkr

Ill talk to my family and my therapist but i honestly dont know wtf to do with my life. Ik the whole "dont cry over spilled milk" thing but i really wish i could re-do hs to not be in this fucking mess.

It doesn't really help that my only goal in life is to make a lot of money bc i think ill be alone (both romantically and platonically) forever but with the way it's going, ill be lucky to get a minimum wage one (im not saying it as a diss, those are respectable jobs too but like i said, my only goal is to make money so i can live comfortably and distract myself from my depression lmao).

This is all very specific and i doubt anyone responds (let alone reads) but if anyone does read, tysm for reading this sad long rant🫂🫂🫂. I pretty much wont be able to see my therapist until just a bit before my exams so this was also my way to let out some frustration.

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*Ive tried to get an official diagnosis, and it's fine if im wrong ofc, but i was immediately denied and told that couldnt be it... bc of my age lmao💀

Needing to open up

I know you or anyone will not see this..as everyone has removed me...but I just need to open up and talk and not hold it in.  Which I am glad no one will see this, as I dont want it to feel like trying to guilt anything, just trying to put my words out there.  I did wrong...and I know this.. ultimately I guess it was the ultimate unforgiveable wrong.  I may have thought wrong about Jon early on..due to stupid fear for one... yes some things was my emotions...but ultimately I always cherished the best friendship more than anything, and even early on I never wanted to lose it, no matter what my emotions wanted to think or do.  Coming off from the whole Tim bullshit, it did a doozy on me, as I kept fearing the worse for our friendship, and I misunderstood Jon 1000% then...due to not understanding the lifestyle, or thinking the worse again, without getting to know him.  After our break that November (and even then I thought it was influence when it wasnt), and during the Ohio weekend, I got to learn Jon better and understand. Before that...yes I had bad opinions on him, and at times you (to be fair...there were bad opinions of me before too...but it doesnt make it right)...while I tried to make amends within, it was too late in general.   I feel worse..and trying to get better on my own...but I really am missing my best friend.  Someone that I can talk to about anything...and someone in the last 2 years since Ohio, I only wanted as my best friend (with our usual joking aside).  Never have I had a friend EVER likle you were I can talk to about anything, and even someone that pushes me when I feel like I cant go on anymore.  I got more motivation and compassion from you than “family”, other friends, and even those I was in relationships with.  I have so much good and bad going on...and no one to share it with... like my own place...putting up the tree...the car accident (I was rear ended), and more.  Nikki wrote me off...which I understand...I no longer have contact with Abby and Bella (which hurts)...nor Benji (which MAJORLY hurts)...I do have Pepper...that I had to fight for...but to be fair...I dont want to keep Pepper from them...I still want to work out a trading schedule so they can see Pepper, and I can see Benji

I am no longer in wrestling...but that is because I dont feel safe in it anymore...as some “misfits” like to get involved in personal stuff that doesnt involve them...one argued it does but it doesnt...as much as all his FAILED dating the last 2 years have involved me or anyone outside of him... but it is what it is.  I am still dealing with the med backlash from when everything happened with Angie... I was so scared of myself with the delirium... hearing stuff...doing stuff...etc..and it will take alot of therapy for it..but I am working on this...and havent given up... Im alone..and at first I wanted to go this route...which may be why I tended to push people away...but it hurts more being alone... BUT... I do deserve it... and hope one day to fix everything... Dec is going to be hard for sure...not having the family atmosphere... or even anyone to get gifts for...plus when the 12th rolls around...not having my baby boy around...or my rainbow to get thru that day...

I do deserve this...I really do...in my heart I offer apologies, remorse and everything...maybe one day it will be accepted...know this..I realized how great Jon was... and I am happy you have him and he has you...I wish I saw this BEFORE Ohio...and before letting people get into my head and trying to manipulate me to get what they want...I hope you two have each other for years and years to come... I hope you know that NO ONE can replace you... I love you as the bestest friend I ever had... thru good or bad...thru travels...thru death defying Geocaches... thru loving me when I hated myself... and visa versa...for being my rock (not the one that ran into my car)... my motivation...my shoulder angel... and my life saver still ... Im trying to keep it going...just hope to see you again...  now people may ask why type this when its not going to be read... well..its better than talking to myself or the cat... and better than holding it in...sometimes things have to be let out to heal...no matter the outcome of letting it out

06 / 15 - 8 : 43 p.m.

after work today, i went to grab some coffee. ive always ordered vanilla but i wanted to try caramel. i remember that like a year ago this cute girl use to work there, always made the coffee super creamy. i liked it. but since then, not seeing her there anymore, after months, the coffee didnt taste the same. 

anyways i asked once if i could have more cream on my coffee, since it just tasted so bitter. they always told me that the iced coffee is premade and that they dont add anything to it. so i just took the vanilla coffee like it was.

so today i took a sip of the caramel coffee. its creamy. its the same coffee i used go order. 

i thought, she used to get my order wrong. i liked the wrong coffee. 

and i thought about telling you. how when i would go home and tell you “ guess what just happened to me today ”. but in my head i dont know what you would say back. i dont have any idea what you would even tell me. if you would be annoyed, dismissive, or interested in what i have to say. i have to admit i got a bit teary eyed, waiting for my food. i hope that the guy who gave me my order didnt notice. if he did, sorry. 

when i got home, i was still feeling upset and i just sat in the grass.

and i kept thinking, and i hate this part of my thought process.

what would have you done if you did kill me that night, what would i looked like ?

petite, skin and bones. only 87 pounds, blond with brown roots, rashes all over.

i should hate you, for threatening my life. i should hate you for the way you treated me, the way so spoke to me. the way you looked at me. i felt like nothing and that i was only alive because you let me. the amount of times i just cried myself to sleep, the times i didnt. the time i sat in the bathroom with a razor in my fingers. the times i slept with someone new who i thought could help me, to forget you. i cried so many times during sex. you only noticed once. taking shots every night to help me sleep. what would you have done.

what would my parents think, my mom already had a bad feeling about you. my father would come to my funeral, second child he’s lost. maybe he would start again with a new woman. my sister’s i dont think they would take it very well. 

anyways ive been thinking of cutting again, the days seem very mushed together. thats not the reason for wanting to cut though. it would be because i want attention. its pathetic but i think since im 21 now, i dont really have insurance anymore. so that means no therapy or meds. hell, my last meds where 1000$ without insurance. and i dont know if i said before but my hallucinations are not getting better. even if its not night or dark i see things more often, today i saw a bug crawling on my skin. other days im hearing a voice, when i am very alone at my work. so, yea, i seem to be developing auditory hallucinations now. yaaaay. 

but, i think i wont ever be in another relationship again. not now, not for years from now. a boy has been talking to me, one from my high school but, i dont know if hes flirting with me or just playful. i dont reciprocate, or really answer to these text like someone who would want him would. but im not interested. hes nice, sure but so was bunny at first. i am scared.  

Can you do headcanons of any Riddler getting cared for and gentle kisses from reader after getting beat up? He needs some loves.

SO I MAY HAVE SUGGESTED THAT MY ULTIMATE FANTASY IS TO GIVE RIDDLER A HUG WITH BACKRUBS AS HE TELLS ME ABOUT HIS DAY AND I STAND BY THAT WHOLE-HEARTEDLY .

i freaking love this stuff so im going to do all of them mwahahah

post asswoop riddlers getting loves

Arkham riddler

He’s VERY quiet, which knowing him and his inability to stop talking, is  bad news.

I paint arkham riddler as a cry baby and i stand by that. this is the hill i will die on. He’ll have dragged his sorry ass into your apartment or house , dripping blood on your floors but he wont bother calling for you. he’ll just sit at the table with his head in his hands having a lil pity party until you find him.

when you do finally get home, he’ll be looking like a kicked puppy. he’s gotten stuck in his own head, mentally beating himself up even more. he got a fright when you came in because he was so caught up he didn't even hear you at the door.

He’s literally sits there like a child with his arms up for you to come scoop him up. he’s not even sure why his first thought after getting beat up was to come here, he’s probably lead the cops here or something and that was so stupid and- you should probably give him a lil soft smooch on the head to stop him before he goes into a spiral.

he needs more emotional and mental care than physical. Talk to him while you're patching him up. any topic, it doesn't matter just keep him focused on your voice and not the one in his head calling him dumb.

he wont admit he wants to be held and coddled after something like this. get your softest blankie and 2 mugs of coco with marshmallows and just ramble at him. tell him about your day or ask him to explain something boring and complicated so he’s focusing on that rather than how upset he is. let him sit on your lap or between your legs on the sofa and watch how its made or mythbusters or something until he falls asleep. he should be ok again in the morning, he doesnt stay down for long. 

Blacklight Riddler

He’s used to getting his ass kicked, either by batman, the other rogues or once he’s a PI, by unhappy clients and the people he put away. He might be tiny but he’s pretty tough. 

even if he’s really hurting, his probably trying to crack jokes and tell blood and bruise related riddles. He doesn't like to see you worry so even if he’s in a lot of pain or a bit upset about things, he’s trying to make you smile.

he likes kisses on his bruises. even if he just banged his hand on the table he’ll come to you because he wants you to kiss it better. 

He’s a decent fighter, unlike a lot of riddlers who couldnt fight their way out of a paper bag. He can throw punches but he lacks in defence and with his bad knee, dodging can be a little hard. even if he wins the fight he’s still likely to need you to patch him up.

He likes kids plasters. like hello kitty and spongebob. no im not joking, he ALWAYS wanted them when he was little and his parents always said no. now he’s an adult he’s going to use them whenever he damn well pleases.

 if it was a particularly bad one, he’ll be ok in the moment even if he has to go to hospital. But he’s going to drop the facade at some point and let you see how upset he is. winding up in hospital after being beat was a common occurrence in childhood. even after doing it time and time again as an adult it doesn't make it any easier on him. he’ll want to stay in your bed, be close to you for few days until either he starts to heal or something snaps him out of his funk.

BTAS Riddler

he really prefers other people to do the fighting for him. well physically anyway. he can handle his own arguments...most of the time. He’s going to need you to nurse a bruised ego more than anything. he probably got dunked on my batman or crane and now he’s huffing.

i don't know if this counts as care and kisses but he clearly needs you around to keep his sorry ass alive. he hurt his side in a fight once and said he wasn't hurt. believable... until he started to act a little confused, a little dizzy. needless to say it worried you enough to take him to emergency care. 

He was obviously in agony by now but he was still fighting with you the entire drive there, insulting you and insisting he was fine. its a good job you took him when he did, turns out he’d ruptured his spleen and would probably be dead if you weren’t around to act like his common sense.

he still hasnt apologised for that. or any of the other times you insisted on medical care to stop him from pushing up daisies. he just pretends like you know he’s grateful so he doenst have to admit he’s bullheaded, stubborn and worst of all, wrong. 

if he has been seriously hurt, he acts more indignant about it than anything. he wants to be waited on and pampered while resting in bed. he can be a genuine pain to deal with, talking about how lucky you are to see him in such a vulnerable state and how you should be grateful he’s letting you do this for him.

He doesn't want to admit how much he actually needs you. his goons wont put up with him when he’s like this and he’s freaking paying them to do it. you do it for free and no matter how annoying he is you havent left him yet. he doesn't tell you but youve noticed he starts getting you more gifts about a week after he’s recovered. like its taken him a day or two to work out he should probably thank you for all you do.

Original Riddler

this riddler is just weird. like he gets a freaking hang nail and he pretends like he’s dying. but he could nearly lose a limb and he’ll say “tis but a scratch” and still try to hobble about like nothing is wrong.

actually he’s more like olaf “oh look i've been impaled.”. he probably tries to laugh off life threatening injuries like its nothing, taking maybe 3 steps before he collapses on his face in a blood puddle and lets out a tiny “help”

good luck moving his tall lanky ass around. better get a gurney and maybe those vets at the zoo who deal with giraffes. seriously if you want to take care of him you are going to need help or some sort of action plan and a go bag because with his limp butt this will not be easy.

he’s kinda like BTAS riddler in that he needs you to tell him the injury is serious. hes not dumb he just has a high pain threshold and genuinely doesn't realise that injuries are as bad as they are. 

he can be a bit of a baby while being patched up. he doesn't like a lot of blood or gore, it makes him feel a little sicky. better give him your phone to play with like a kid at the doctors or put the tv on for him to watch while you bandage  him. word of warning, he will pass out or throw up if you try to give him stitches.

i think you should focus your love and attention on him AFTER medical care. just focus on the job, be silent and as fast as possible to get it over with quickly. you should probably bring him something sweet too. no not just you, although you are sweet for looking after him. give him something sugary because he’s going to be light headed after seeing any blood. maybe you could give him a lolly for being a good patient. 

Telltale riddler

this riddler is essentially a metahuman. he can REALLY take a beating and bounce back fairly quickly. just look how many times batman punched him in the face and it barely stunned him! he doesnt usually need patched up after a fight. maybe just a lil smooch and some hugs

he did really need your help after the whole pact thing. having his friends abandon him hurt like hell, more than any physical injury ever could.

after that, he clings to you. almost obsessively so; we know he’s got some serious mental illnesses but he usually has the worst of it under control, even without meds. now? it seems like he’s experiencing ptsd and is afraid to go anywhere without you, like you might up and disappear if you arent in his line of sight at all times.

i think this riddler might need the most intense care from you. hugs and gentle reassurance wont be enough. you’re going to be responsible for taking him to therapy, keeping him taking his meds and grounding him to reality. this is the kind of responsibility you took on when you got involved with him but i doubt you realised how hard it would be. i cant promise it will all be worth it but i can promise he wont ever forget your kindness.

the kind of care he needs after such a hard knocking down is just stability. im not one for romance or any mushy gushy stuff but please just pour your love into the cracks in this poor mans soul.

its hard going, but he has his moments. his gallows sense of humor is still there and hey, after him being in and out and gone for so long, it might be nice to have him around more.  

Zero year riddler

INSUFFERABLE LITTLE SHIT THIS ONE. he could LITERALLY be bleeding out in your arms and he’d STILL be backseat driving on your medical skills. the temptation to just leave him there to bleed is INCREDIBLE.

he’ll drop the act eventually. he’ll ask and maybe even beg for your help. man has  no shame and all the self preservation instincts of a lemming. dont get me wrong, he can be a total coward some times, only looking out for himself . but when he’s actually hurt ? not a fuckin clue. does this head wound need an ice pack or heat pack? is this spurring blood wound worthy of medical care? no idea. he was a very sheltered child who never got so much as a bruise so he has no idea what to do when he’s hurt.

he gets the everloving shit kicked out of him on a clockwork basis. like you could hear knocking on your door at 3 am and already be at the table with a first aid kit like oh its tuesday riddler must have broken his nose.

he takes entirely too much joy in making you patch him up. youre starting to wonder if he’s doing it on purpose just to see you in your little apron and latex gloves . he’s getting off on this and you know it but god help you, you just  cant resist his dumb face asking for your help and would you also wear this pink nurses outfit while youre at it?

one time he lost a LOT of blood. he would be fine but he was pretty damn loopy from lightheadedness. while you were trying to get him into bed to rest he started flirting with you. can you believe the audacity? he’s lost 3 pints of blood and he’s still more focus on his libido? 

he’s actually going to be both humble and grateful for your help when he finally comes round. dont get me wrong, he’s still a bit of a prick but at least he says thank you for saving him before he demands you kiss all his booboos and ouchies. 

nonnie i am having a stroke. i was trying SO hard to just pick one but i COULDNT because i am WEAK for hurt and comfort.

theres a reason i have a tag that literally says “i have naughty hands and no self control”

someone needs to stage an intervention

got something you wana talk about? send me an ask or a dm! im always game to talk about our favorite curious menace 💚💜

so ive been away a while,

genetics caught up with me as well as bad decisions and just. it all came to a head recently: tldr? my mom, uncle, and grandfather (dads side) have/had schizo effective disorders, and i suffered a pretty bad psychosis episode recently. therapists and guardians think that social media/discord exacerbated it (which is why i havent been on discord a while either and still am not on it but i miss talking with friends) and was just given the go ahead to get back on social media (discord still no for now tho) full story after the readmore:

a few things led up to this at once, stress of life, covid, nearing 30s with little to no escape from current situation, social stress and feeling like ive been pushing people away, fears of abandonment and isolation, and my 28th bday coming soon with no one to share in it with. weeks before it came i started losing control over my thought patterns, like hearing voices but not auditory hallucinations, and i knew it wasnt real, and asked mel and nae for help. they got me on an anti anxiety medication that i was taking a few days before my bday, but it was a little to late at that point it seems, i had gotten out of the habit of taking my normal meds (it wasnt purposeful neglect, it was more i forgot a few days and a few days turn into weeks et al, and when i realized i was like "oh shit" and started taking them "normally" again), and had been on medical marijuana, which is fine normally, but was fucking me up personally because of the whole meds situation (doctors say.) all this, plus genetics, finally came together on my bday or the day before, i dont remember, and i started rambling incoherently to mel and nae, and yelling and flip flopping, i dont remember what i was saying and frankly im too embarrassed about the whole situation to see the vid taken. i felt like i had no one to share anything with, and no one to talk too, and that talking with people just upset people and i had no control over who stayed and that i was in fact toxic/annoying/bothersome/a nuisance to just, interact with. with poor self esteem and bs like that, and in the mindset i was in, i dont remember what happened next as it actually happened, what happened was: mel and nae had called 911 to bring an ambulance to bring me somewhere where they could get my meds straightened out, i rode the ambulance peacefully but there were cops in the ride with me, and i have a fear of cops (abusive dad/personal history) they took me to a hospital, and after the ambulance ride, i panicked, ran out of and broke the ambulance bay doors, climbed a concrete divider that was a few feet tall, and fell down a ditch into a bramble bush (which, embarrassingly, tore off my paper scrubs i had on at the time, so not only was i probably yelling incoherently, i was also cut up from the bushes i fell into (im gonna have some serious scars i dont like), and stark naked to boot) after this idk what happened, but my recollection stops being "dream like/nonsense/out of order" and starts blending back into reality, so they had taken me to a location where they could monitor me and legitimately set my meds straight, as well as after this, get me into therapy that my insurance thankfully covers, that can also help me with actual life situations, like finding out what my bank info is, socials et al, and insurance and how all that works. what i remember was odd, and dream like, it was like a waking dream literally, and i was told i may never actually remember it as it had happened, and its also seperate and disjointed "dreams" on top of that. the first one being that i was a minority being chased by cops, and was shot in the back by a gun that was a taser at the same time, this didnt really happen, i would have taser marks or bruises on my back if i was, and i dont, so i have no idea where this one came from or why i experienced it at all. when i broke thru the ambulance bay door thing, i remember it being made of glass (it wasnt im told), i shattered thru it when i ran, and for some reason i was the flash, and i had to keep running to both run away from evil, and to keep the world working right by using the speed force (i know, i know. idk why. its just how i remember it.) and when i climbed the divider and fell into the bramble bush is the weirdest at the moment, i remember it both backwards, and as another comic book character. i was Morpheus from dc/vertigos sandman, and i was trapped in hell (this is a plot point in the comics, sandman knows lucifer and at one point was duped into owning the key to hell, long story and thats all thats relevant rn), and it had

manifested as trees and thorns that wished unjustly to do me harm. i was covered in runes and sigils, that were bound to keep me docile/trapped, and i couldnt tear them off myself, but i climbed and clawed my way thru and up a large, large wall, that ended up in a chain link fence, and the 3 fates where there looking down on and antagonizing me while not really antagonizing me in the shapes of cops, with bright flashlights, one of which was strobing in my face, and thats where the "dream" ends. i dont know why i remember it this way, but i can tell fact from fiction, and i know in real life that im neither flash or sandman, and can enjoy media and whatnot, one doctor said if i wasnt a fan of comics i may have remembered it as movie characters, sports players or whatnot, but it still would have/may have happened, so fiction itself thankfully isnt/wasnt the problem (i would be very bored now if it was), and that the meds im now taking are 90 percent of the help i need, and the other 10 im getting in therapy. this was all very traumatic, confusing, embarrassing, and "shameful" for me (i know i shouldnt be ashamed, but i am still, its, how it is.) but i AM getting help, and im not going to turn into what my mom ended up being. i saw first hand how things can go, and am being honest with doctors and therapists as well as mel and nae about things going forward. there are other bits and pieces that i left out, that i can tell people one on one once i "earn back" discord privileges, but this is enough for now. im sorry for dissappearing like i did for so long, and im sorry any of this had happened in the first place, im ashamed any of it did.

also! i know you’ve mentioned quite a few times before in posts/fics about how party and kobra really only met right before they left the city? and i’m not entirely sure if i’ve just missed it but i would LOVE for elaboration specifically on that. i just!! am super interested to know about them and their lives in the city...and how everything shakes out regarding that 👀

!!!! okay thats def one of the more obscure bits of my canon? bc in universe party and kobra dont rlly like talking about it and on a meta level city life isnt rlly something i wanna devote too much energy to writing but i HAVE thought abt it!

i covered it a little bit in this fic but some details have shifted a bit just irt kobras job/timeline bc its over (i think?) a year old and its short so. not super elaborate

so when i say that they hadnt really met before leaving the city its like. they knew each other and lived with each other but they weren't really themselves. party bc of like. reeducation and kobra bc he was really fucked up with a combination of dysphoria and city drugs both prescribed and not (which i *think* ive mentioned arent a given in the city? most people dont get medicated the same way kobra did and not all the city meds are bad)

i will say that they were pretty close before party got reeducated. as close as u can be when ur thirteen and eight at least. but ofc he got taken and came back Completely different and kobra was a smart kid and kinda realized that directly confronting him abt the change would end really badly for both of them. party was rlly susceptible to the reeducation and its not their fault in any way but they definitely would have reported kobra if he'd tried to make a move.

so then once kobra snapped and cut his hair and party snapped out of the reeducation (combination of time since getting bleached and like. still being a caring and loving person under it all and knowing that he should care abt kobra) they escaped obviously and had to do a little crash course in 'how to be siblings' bc until then they were more just. people that lived in the same house and had nothing in common to talk about so they jsut didnt. i hope that makes sense? they knew each other but they didnt Really Know each other

as for what life in the city looked like for them!

i feel like its kinda important to know that their parents were low-level workers so they grew up in the slums on the edge of the city. not the worst part of the city (the lobby) but not downtown or even a suburban area.

party (post reeducation) became a total model student and ended up in a mid/high-level admin position in hq as soon as he graduated, set to get a promotion when he turned 20 and was in the process of trying to move out to a place of his own actually. kept getting their applications rejected bc they didnt have an "approved reason" to not live w their parents (no long-term partner and not a high enough level to qualify for one of the downtown studios). wasn't necessarily getting frustrated with the company but was getting frustrated with not being able to "start his own life" in his own apartment yknow? also a bit of a superiority complex/classism thing bc of having a higher-level job than their parents, wanting to live in a nicer part of the city like the rest of their colleagues. he had a Few friends, mostly from work, but it was nothing like the crew and friends hed had pre-reeducation bc. you know. obviously. it was just a little group of polite, well trained late-teens bli drones who got up to just the right amounts of bli-approved trouble (android girls and mood synthesizers but only on saturdays type deal). um. probably the least bli-approved thing they did was give spare carbons to broken-down droids in street corners and pretend to listen to the ones preaching the graffiti bible. This is all actually a huge reason Why party is so wanted by bli, like apart from the obvious of being a killjoy and fucking up a lot of shit for the company, he was also So close to being a perfect citizen that rebelling and escaping is a real lemon-juice-in-the-papercut for bli

kobra, on the other hand, was about one and a half Minor infractions away from getting reeducated himself. bli mostly saves reeducation and bleaching for people with confirmed rebellious biases or actions, people they dont think would be trusted enough to take their pills basically. theyd get fed up after enough violations though. kobra was on watch as a nuisance, but not a rebel, so he got away with attempts at medication and therapy that were... kinda effective? but he was Really pushing it especially once he got his job in the lobby and started running with lobby kids. really just imagine an absolute menace shithead of a fourteen year old breaking every law he could get his well-manicured but grubby little hands on. i think at some point ive mentioned that half the reason kobra was so good with tech and wiring was bc he picked it up from fucking with scarecrow cars and reprogramming shit about them? yeah. im not gonna say kobra's friends were like. a bad crowd. they were just chafing against city culture in a very specific way. lots of sex, violence, vandalism, underage mood synthesizer use (and by underage i mean even below the technically-underage-but-bli-looks-the-other-way-bc-they-know-people-need-to-feel-rebellious-sometimes age that like. party and his friends started trying them at). this is when he learned how to knife fight too which definitely saved both his and party's life the first night in the zones. on top of this all is the whole trans thing which isnt something thats necessarily frowned upon in the city, but when kobra finally realized what was up he went about it in a non-city-approved way (hacking his hair off with a set of nail clippers rather than like. submitting a transition application) and that absolutely would have been the last straw for him for the city if party had reported him rather than stuffed him in their car and left.

i dont know how to tldr this one but like. they both led really different lives in the city, kobra being rebellious and breaking laws but not in a killjoy way and party being So close to being a perfect citizen as a result of getting reeducated when he was thirteen, so they weren't honest with each other until party's bleaching broke and they left the city and THATS why i say they hadnt really met until they escaped.