#just wasn't Emotionally Prepared for this and idk why
Text
reading Letters to a Writer of Color edited by Deepa Anappara and Taymour Soomro, a collection of essays from writers of color about their experiences writing and how they've navigated spaces dominated by people unlike them to improve their craft and tell their stories their way, and it's fucking great so far, a little too relatable, especially the sections and anecdotes in this first essay, of being queer in one place, and desi in another because of The Family, but this section on page 14 just fucking killed me. like, yeah, that's honestly kind of what i think my experience with Being Gendered for the first time (consciously) was.
gendering is largely a process external to me, that's honestly why i've started describing myself as "genderfree". idrc about gender the way Some People do, and i particularly hate when they project those expectations onto me but like. this just really hit hard.
#james talks#letters to a writer of color#on writing#my professor is so sjfhsdhszhdhshdsh for assigning this to us to read.#like i'm sure the other people in the class need this but damn. this just didn't need to hit this hard for me rn.#just wasn't Emotionally Prepared for this and idk why#James reads stuff
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Stolen | Canonverse Angst Oneshot
✧ word count ➼ 1.3k
✧ notes ➼ canonverse, implied soulmates!au, angst, death, levi being in pain :(, all hurt no comfort, i'm not sorry, idk if this is any good but if i didnt post i was going to rip my hair out plus it gave me an excuse to make some sad sad gifs
✧ warnings: blood, death, canonverse-typical violence, prepare for sadness :)
Even successful expeditions were rarely anything to celebrate. There were generally too many people that died to really make any result worth it. Even if it did technically move humanity forward, the loss of human life always made victory seem somewhat sinister.
This expedition certainly didn't go well, but no one died, which was already something that was practically unheard of. Levi was able to easily account for everyone assigned to his flank, however he had no way of confirming the survival of the soldiers in the left flank—the one you had been assigned to.
Externally, he wasn't too worried. You were capable. Your squad was capable. However, competency and capability could only get you so far. That was how much of an advantage the Titans had over humanity.
Plus, he shouldn't even be having the selfish thought of wanting to immediately confirm your survival. You were supposed to be just another soldier. There was no reason as to why he should prioritize you over anyone else that had come onto the battlefield with him.
Levi sighed to himself as he blatantly told himself that lie. He knew it was a lie. He hated that it was a lie, but your relationship had long moved past the point of being professional.
He remembered the conflicting thoughts that stirred within him when he woke up next to you earlier that morning. The two of you had made a habit of going to see each other the night before an expedition, starting the night off with discussing your shared ire over the world you found yourselves living in before it quickly escalated into another form of stress relief that involved elated breaths and intertwined legs.
You'd see each other, sleep with each other, and then go on your separate ways. This morning was the first one in which Levi didn't immediately leave upon waking. He was usually quick to leave, occasionally electing to avoid staying the night entirely.
The only reason for this was that he didn't want to catch feelings for you. He knew it was a slippery slope, which was why he found himself so pissed that morning when he was forced to admit to himself that he did catch them. He could picture the exact moment that he had realized it. You were stirring in your sleep and a part of him longed for the idea of waking up to that one peaceful moment every day—with the sun shining through the window and you curling up against his chest.
It was just sex at first. It was a good stress relief and you were both easy on the eyes. He had consistently distanced himself emotionally, even on the few occasions in which you would ask him to stay for a while longer on especially stressful nights. He didn't want to get involved in a relationship when either of you could die at any moment, but it was getting harder and harder to stay away from you, and even harder to get himself to leave your bed in the mornings.
Sure, it was just sex—until it wasn't.
It was driving him nuts. He couldn't possibly see himself continuing this friends-with-benefits relationship with you, but he didn't want to cut you off either. He wanted, and needed more.
He had spent the majority of the lengthy ride back to Wall Rose strategizing over how to approach this. Levi had already made up his mind that he was going to bring up the idea of committing. He felt almost pressured to do so. He wanted you by his side, and not just as someone that was readily available whenever he needed to fuck.
He knew some type of celebration was going to occur once they got back to the Walls, given the fact that no one died. It helped keep morale up. He knew you hated how rowdy those could get, so he figured a good opportunity would be to walk you outside to finally have that talk, or maybe he could just go to you as soon as you were back within the Walls and the both of you could spare a minute to be alone.
Levi was sick of waiting and dancing around or avoiding the topic entirely. No matter what happened next, he was determined to show you that your feelings were reciprocated, and not by just a small amount. He couldn't rest until he took that next step to commit himself to being by your side.
~~~~~
Disaster struck. Of course disaster fucking struck. Levi should've anticipated this the minute he noticed that there were next to no Titans on his side of the travel formation.
There was a stench of blood and death in the air as soon as he reached the rendezvous point. The left flank had been ambushed by multiple aberrants. They were still in the process of searching for and retrieving survivors, but the preliminary conclusion was that nearly the entire left flank was wiped out.
Levi currently stood still, his eyes falling on a drape that covered a suspiciously familiar looking body. He was standing only about a foot or two away, with his hand hovering over the corner. All he had to do was lift it to confirm whether it was you or not, but he already knew.
The longer he held off from confirming it, the longer he could continue telling himself that you were okay, and that he can still hold onto the hope that he would still get that chance to tell you what had been brewing underneath the surface.
He took in an unsteady breath and forced himself to grab onto the drape, trying to contain his shaking.
Levi took an unsteady step back, dropping the drape as soon as he came into contact with your eyes, now lifeless.
Every single shared (and occasionally stolen) moment with you flashed through his mind. Those lifeless eyes of yours were once filled with mischief, pain, lust, glee, and hope. He remembered how annoyed he'd get with your tenacity, and how that tenacity ended up contributing to the fact that you were the only person that he felt like could really be competent on the battlefield against the Titans. Your competency was why, even after countless failed expeditions, his faith in you to make it back to the Walls was unwavering.
You had become an odd source of comfort for him. Even when he was actively denying his feelings for you, there was still a huge part of him that would feel safe around you. When he was with you, he wasn't Humanity's Strongest, he was just Levi, and that made you a source of stability in his life that he had been lacking elsewhere.
From the minute that he set eyes on you after you joined the Scouts, he knew that something was different about you, and that there was something drawing him to you. He avoided admitting it for years, and now that he did admit to it, it was too late.
A dark, but unreadable expression fell over Levi Ackerman's face.
He knew.
He had known this for years. He knew that his curse was that the moment that he decided that he wanted something was the exact moment that he lost it.
He knew that you were supposed to be here with him, alive and well, and not as a mangled corpse that resulted from their war with the Titans.
He finally recognized that it was you that was supposed to be by his side, but not in this lifetime—not anymore.
Your life—the life the both of you were supposed to share—had been stolen from him in the blink of an eye.
#: @chaotic-on-main @romantichomicide95 @levisbrat25 @leviismybby @moonmalice @averysmolbear @cathybarn @tclbts @belovedackerman @bejewelledd @sad-darksoul @ackermendick @aomi04 @apolloshaiku @laraackerman @pulpolicia @raenacreates @nube55 @roseofdarknessblog @saenora @noctemys @sixpennydame @sleepyfairyxo @heichoucleanfreak @svftackerman @levis-squishy-cheeks @dumbfound-princess @evas-leslas @kokosmiles @mrsmiagreer @catskze
join my taglist! and pls pls lmk if you wanna be taken off :')
#levi x reader#levi ackerman x reader#levi ackermann x reader#levi heichou x reader#captain levi x reader#levi angst#levi#levi ackerman#levi ackermann#levi heichou#captain levi#attack on titan#aot#shingeki no kyojin#shingeki no kyoujin#snk
211 notes
·
View notes
Note
could you write bateman taking the reader’s virginity?
i always gotta add some weird empathy shit idk why. at least i didn't mention paul allen or dorsia even ONCE!
patrick bateman taking the reader's virginity (nsfw under cut)
Patrick has been surprised in his life, but he's never been so unsure until now. Until you looked up at him with those beautiful doe eyes and told him you'd never had sex before.
Never?
You were stunning, it clearly wasn't for a lack of potential partners. He didn't think you were waiting for marriage - you'd just asked him for something that left him speechless.
"Could you...could it be you?
You couldn't be asking for what he thought, could you?
Patrick knows he is attractive. He is suave and refined and charming. But can he be gentle?
He tries.
He doesn't want you to bleed, or hurt, and that shocks him. You're an enigma, even when he's closer to you than anyone has ever been before, physically and emotionally. Even when your legs are wrapped around his waist and he's taking it slow, treating you like you'll break, he can't bring himself to choke you or tighten his grip to a bruising point.
He even prepared you first, you let him work you to two orgasms before he even thought of himself.
Patrick decides to just make you his, to have you clenching so tightly around him always. It will solve the issue of not knowing why you confuse him and astound him and rejuvenate some of that long-dead empathy in him.
You're both scared when the final moment comes.
It's your first time at all. It's his first time having sex with someone he's starting to care about.
#slasher x reader#patrick bateman#american psycho#slasher#horror#slasher thirst#slashers#slasher fic#imelda's writing#patrick bateman thirst#patrick bateman x you#patrick bateman x reader#american psycho movie#horror movie#horror movies
1K notes
·
View notes
Note
I feel that if Collei and Freminet ever got married, Freminet would nervously ask Tighnari for his blessing. "I really, really, REALLY love Collei, and I wanted to make it official, and I was wondering if that was okay....?" And he's internally panicking like 'Omg omg omg what if he doesn't like me what if he says no what if he hates me forever-' and Tighnari's just like "Huh? Why are you asking me💀 As long as she's happy and says yes then do whatever you want." So Freminet was stressing for a week over nothing😭 (Tighnari probably would've seen it coming though)
ALSO if they had a wedding, I believe that Tighnari would get really emotional not because he's 'losing' Collei but because of how far she's come as a person. I imagine him remembering the very first time he met Collei, compared to that moment and being able to watch her grow from a confused kid to a proud adult, and being the one to help her through that process. Idk man I just think he would get a little emotional🥹 Ofc Cyno would too but I think it would hit harder for Tighnari since he was her teacher and somewhat father/older brother figure (I'm not saying that Cyno wasn't! I'm just saying that Tighnari was the one who was like taking care of her for a while)
FOR ME THEY ARE SUCH BABIES I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT WEDDING FREMILLEI BZAJHEHAZE
Yeah true tighnari would feel such an intense proud seeing Collei growing up. I can totally see what do you mean, anon !
I think !! Freminet Adult would be more stable emotionally
So he prepared himself mentally and after a lot of time, ask Tighnari with a determination face. And when Tighnari was pretty chill (with his usual self lol), the pressssssuuuuuure on Fremmy's shoulder left, he could fall hahaha
#reply#fremillei#I just love when we are talking abt ship but keep talking about Tighnari#ily you all for that#thank you for talking abt tighnari with me sob
88 notes
·
View notes
Text
༄𝑊𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝐹𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑡𝑎𝑖𝑛༄ X.T , T.G
Pairing: Xavier Thorpe, Tyler Galpin
Genre: Angst
Pronouns: Non rlly used 4 reader
Warnings: idk Being sad and stuff ig and cursing
,,I love you" you told Xavier Infront of the nevermore Water fountain a loving gaze being presented to his eyes as you softly caressed his cheeks while he looked at you completely mesmerized by the words said to him.
,,Really?" He asked overlapping emotions taking over him so quickly. I mean being emotionally neglected by his father and the lack of love in his life really made this moment memorable ya' know? ,, Of course Xavier, how could I not?" You truthfully said giving him a loving smile
He grabbed you gently by the hips and kissed you as you smiled in the kiss ,,I love you and only you" you whispered reassuringly in the kiss as you placed one hand on his cheek as you carresed it while your other hand was on his neck. He grabbed you closer as a few tears escaped his eyes.
You pulled away as you calmly wiped the tears off his cheeks. ,,You're so sentimental" you said with a slight chuckle as he give you a small smile back.
You sit on your bed as your sight follows your so called partner going back and forth in your dorm
Ever since Wednesday Addams had enrolled in the school Xavier had been fixated on her, spending time with her whenever he could, always sitting next to her in class, going with her on her searches basically anything to be close to her. Of course you noticed this matter going on but you decided to stay calm and while Xavier was with Wednesday doing whoever knows you were with your beloved boyfriends co-worker everytime Xavier cancelled something for Wednesday you'd go with Tyler and hang out with him.
Of course as friends you weren't a cheater and neither Xavier but you knew Wednesday perked his interest he obviously didn't try to hide it. Xavier wasn't so fond of you hanging out with Tyler since they weren't acquaintances and Tyler had started picking up some interest in you which he didn't try to hide it. Which was one of the main topics why your boyfriend was babbling about in your dorm
,,If you have such a problem with me hanging out with Tyler why don't I talk about you and Wednesday?" You simply said plopping on your elbows to look at him directly. ,,Cause I've been letting it all slide like it's nothing but since you don't like me hanging out with Tyler I can also say i don't like you hanging so much without Wednesday to the point you cancel anything just to be with her." You truthfully stated as your mouth went into a straight line as Xavier stopped his tracks as he looked at you.
,,Look I.... I there's nothing up with me and Wednesday it's just that...." Xavier stuttered trying to find something good enough to say but if you're being real he had no real good reason to be that distant with his partner. ,,Mhm... Go on find a good excuse to keep being with her" you commented as you standed up with your arms crossed looking at him firmly. ,,I'm not trying to look for an excuse it's just that I......" He stood there looking at you with his brows furrowed he knew he really messed up and that there would be consequences. How could he just go on and ignore the person that was for him in his highest and lowest times? The love of his life, the sun to his moon? He knew he really fucked up this time.
,,Look Xavier..... I think we should just leave it. It's better for us both to break up because I don't think this can work out as well" you said in a bitter tone tears threatening to soill. ,,I....... If that's what you think, ok." Xavier lamented tears rolling off his cheeks as he nonchalantly left your dorm.
It was finally time for the Rave'N Dance you were preparing yourself as you put on your white outfit and made up your hair. You had invited Tyler as your date of course since he seemed like the best option and you knew Xavier would show up with Wednesday. You finished prepping up as you heard a knock on your dorm door, you quickly went over and opened the door and to no surprise Tyler was there with his stupid smile with a bouquet of pink camellias ,,For you" Tyler bubbled as he handed you the bouquet ,,Wow Tyler, these are beautiful" you chimed absolutely mesmerized by the flowers.
,,Well they aren't as beautiful as you thought" he muttered as you slightly blushed while putting the bouquet in a vase. ,,Thanks for the flowers, now we should go now we don't need to be late." You suggested as you closed the dorm door behind you as you both held hands to the Rave'N.
You both made it in and went to the dance floor as you both started dancing together. Xavier was there with Wednesday and he was looking at you most of the time some sort of glint of sadness and anger in his eyes as you enjoyed your time with Tyler. ,,Did I tell you how good of a dancer you are Y/n?" Tyler laughed as he swayed with you ,,You just did" you giggled along smiling at him.
You both left the dance floor and he took you the iconic nevermore fountain ,,What are we doing here?" You snorted while gazing at Tyler as he got closer to you. Xavier saw that you and Tyler had left and was curious so he went to peek at what you both where doing, that's when he saw Tyler grabbing your hips as he pulled you in gently and he went and kissed your lips longingly.
Xavier didn't know how to feel because you both did that he still loved you no matter what he tried seeing this sight absolutely teared him apart. He turned around and left the view he want back into the party and sat alone on one of the chairs as Bianca went over to him and talked to him.
Tyler pulled away and went close to your ear ,,You don't know how long I've waited for this" he confessed as he whispered in your ears as chills ran down your spine as you shyly smiled at the comment.
Some weeks had passed and Xavier had officially become something and you and Tyler too. You and Xavier daily avoided eachother, but something didn't feel right like Xavier waited everytime he saw you for you to say you wanted him back, that you missed him and needed him. Now him and Wednesday were Infront of the fountain like you and him used to be, he pulled Wednesday close by and kissed her like he used to with you. He closed his eyes as he kissed her, after he finished kissing her and he opened his eyes he low-key hoped you where gonna be right there. Infront of him looking at him ever as so lovingly like you used to. He couldn't be in this lie anymore he needed you but he knew he lost that a long time ago.
#xavier thorpe x reader#xavier thorpe#tyler galpin x reader#tyler galpin#wednesday series#wednesday addams#angst#song#x reader#Spotify
257 notes
·
View notes
Text
losing my fucking mind over bravern ep 11 and my usual victims are either not caught up or not off work in preparation for going to a tf convention like I am, so
ep 11 spoilers below the cut
I don't like to engage in serious speculation bc I don't know what the fuck is going to happen in this show (in a good way) and I don't want to work myself up for something that doesn't happen and end up feeling disappointed just bc a different great thing happened
but like we've got one episode left (? though *some* kind of announcement is coming on Monday in Hobby Japan magazine apparently) and one of our leads is dead again (again) and also I think it's fairly likely they fucked on the beach?? so some disorganized thoughts
WHO DREW THE AIAIGASA. BRAVERN'S FINGERS ARE TOO BIG or is that why bravern's name is too large to fit under the umbrella (which is especially funny bc bravern, too, is too large to fit under the umbrella but he would try) WAS IT ISAMI THIS IS CRUCIAL
they might not have had the campfire time in the bad end timeline bc they said that was partly bc superbia told them about the remaining deathdrives. but if they DID there wasn't anyone to interrupt them. so. at least they didn't die virgins (for the purposes of this joke bravern is a virgin bc he's only existed for a week)
does superbia know they fucked
it is kind of funny that lulu going back in time made things *worse* (or so it seems, I'm sure smith/bravern will be fine somehow) bc yeah they both died but at least they saved the world first. separate post about heroism in bravern being about the people you love and not about saving the world incoming tho (I am sure it will work out for the best but I just said elsewhere that at least bad end means they won't die! *LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER*)
we've had two time travels and you'd expect either one or three. and isami has been fairly passive narratively. is this when isami finally takes control of his own destiny and activates bravern's core to go back and fix (something)
there's a version of this story where he goes back and redoes the entire situation, smith never dies and never becomes bravern and accepts himself and his human limitations. and that could be good or bad but I don't personally think this is it
more importantly imo: HE NEEDS TO SAY IT BACK. if I was writing this that would be the key. he needs the courage to admit he loves bravern too. it's pretty obvious now (I mean. he was lying back with his arms up waiting to be kissed-and-more, bro was READY) but saying it is another thing entirely. If Smith realising his love created Bravern then Isami accepting his love can activate the core
smith/bravern constantly saying "yuuki bakuhatsu/brave bang" at death feels like it should mean more than just "title drop lol". first time it felt like "bro don't tell him how brave you are for blowing yourself up right as you die live on zoom" but the fact that he did it again? or maybe it's just that that's going to be what makes isami figure it out, like the curry was for lulu. but I want it to mean that isami, specifically, needs to explode his courage. hopefully not literally, but I think he needs to do something emotionally brave that he initiates
then again it might just be title drop lol bc I'm pretty sure some stuff is literally just there bc obari thinks it's cool and honestly if following his heart has gotten us this far then he's doing something right
there's enough of a hole in bravern's side for isami to climb back inside him and whatever happens next I hope he does. get in the robot boyfriend isami
bravern sounded more and more human when talking at the campfire. like he wasn't as blustery as he usually is as bravern, and he wasn't pretending not to have ever been human. (though he is still watashi-ing rather than ore-ing, when he slipped up in ep 9) idk if isami noticed though, he kind of had some other stuff going on
I do now think this will end with smith accepting his human limitations and the things that humans can do when they work together (not a euphemism) (not not a euphemism either). maybe human smith is still in there, if he could bring robot parts from death maybe he could also bring and reassemble his flesh. it doesn't require any *more* stretch of the imagination. isami climbs inside, finds him, loves him, and brings him out to help save the day (superbia can gattai with what's left of bravern or something idk)
"aren't you writing a story where becoming bravern is a transition analogy" A. how do you know that B. yes and I'm going to try to finish it before the finale bc it is still a fun story, but that isn't the story that bravern was ever telling and I didn't think it was. it's just an adjacent and overlapping story. (Also, sometimes the opposite of a trans story is also a trans story! Sometimes the big robot is transition and sometimes the big robot is the closet! Being trans is both about changing to something new and accepting who you were born to be; it's just a matter of how you look at it.)
ira's hot though
ilu segnities. big kansai robo
WHY CAN'T BRAVERN EAT what's sustaining him, is it pure love. the deathdrives power themselves by absorbing lulus but he's not doing that, and superbia clearly absorbs power through his hole (serious face). he can't accept love (home cooked food) in this body... this isn't a "what a plot hole" btw this is a "this feels thematic"
did isami actually own a hawaiian shirt this whole time bc I don't think we've ever seen him in civvies so that feels unlikely. was it smith's and isami brought it in memory of him. did bravern 3D print it
can't believe they fucked on the beach though
like the kiss scene is kind of a joke but also. like. only in that it was so dramatic and lulu walking in on her parents about to do it. isami was so ready to go
and then they frolicked on the beach
wow
please I don't want it to end but I also don't want it to end there please please please
I literally broke my N key in half typing OH NO OH NO OH NO in the chat
love is a spiral, an intersecting spiral
they have to get married now right
what is this series
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
hsmtmts s4 first thoughts
spoilers ahead!! you have been warned!
i have covid and my head feels like it's stuffed with cotton so this may be the most nonsensical of ramblings but here are some of my thoughts from a first watch:
"sometimes i think i'll be okay. then sometimes i stay awake for five nights in a row." oh ricky. relatable but also. how i worry for you
miss jenn and mr. bowen giving me the ick as always
oh thank you thank you thank you they're done
mr. mazzara being in a boy band was not on my season 4 bingo card
one of my ships is endgame!! let's go jenzzara <3333
mazzara saying these are her children yes thank you this is a family
i love ricky standing up to gina's mom bc i have things to say about this woman
ricky giving out cards in nini's place!!! my heart. so they still talk they're still friends I'm crying thank you for this crumb thank you
they are really redeeming ricky and gina for me guys i must say like they're crossing off all the boxes i needed crossed for them so what can i say
i never thought i'd see portwell interact again and I'm in so so much pain. i thought i was fine and moved on but stars no i love them i miss them
"we'll always have risotto right" got me crying. i know people think this was a stupid ship and it's a stupid show but they meant something to me. i love them and I'm so done w people online bullying anyone who mentions portwell (i have so many thoughts about how toxic things have gotten w the hsmtmts shipping discourse but that's another post). i like gina and ricky they're cool i am also allowed to miss portwell
antoine coming back and being like "don't tell anyone i was here i have a bad enough reputation with the police as it is" was also not on my hsmtmts s4 bingo card but then again, most of this wasn't
ej still getting a storyline!! him being a good teacher yes you're so right miss jenn!!!
i wanted ej to sing scream so badly but it wasn't going to work with this season. but ricky did eat that
actually love the way they're using hsm 3 scenes to have double meaning, like for example, the troy and miss darbus college discussion scene
big red's speech to ricky <3
i love this show. i love that the found family is here
antoine and big red????!!!!! this show is so out of pocket i love it
"just in case this is the last time we're all in the same room" i am not emotionally stable enough for this help
the way they're like endings are sad but also okay (idk how to articulate this but it's so good)
"i used to think that strength came from being fearless. but i've realized that it comes from overcoming fear not the absence of it." yes yes yes this is so important this has been one of the biggest life lessons for me
EJ GOT A GOODBYE TOO WHAT WHAT I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS
miss jenn being their mom the found family is so real
ricky's love confession was so so beautiful and the wildcats singing with them I'm so unwell
the wildcat fam being like our parents are getting together!! (about jenzzara)
why am i crying they're just running out of the school together
it's just that they're all together one last time and they're all so happy and i didn't think they would all be there i didn't think my boy EJ would be there and they're my little theatre found family i love them
oh that was such a perfect ending and now I'm sobbing i cant handle this
miss jenn getting choked up singing "because i knew you" got me again
after the mess of s3 thank you for this ending thank you <3
10 notes
·
View notes
Note
first of all excuse me if the story is really messy and have grammatically incorrect sentences but i thought this was too juicy not to tell you.
Now i rematched with this person on a dating app whom i went on a date with 3 years ago. It was through a dating app again and he was trying to get over a break up bla bla long story short he wasn't emotionally available. We just watched midsommar together didn't exchange any insight into our lives or anything and he left the first date like that back then.
Now that we matched again we chatted for a short while and i kinda guessed that he didn't rememner that day (i was right). So, of course, I didn't either :) We went on a walk talked about life and I realized that I wasn't attracted to him that much so I went on silent mode to be able to observe the situation little bit. At worst i would text one of my friends to call me and come up with an excuse to leave early.
Then we went to his house. He prepared some wine with a special kind of tea with spices. We continued talking. At some point I realized we had a nice connection and his music taste, philosophy on life, political views etc. matched mine almost perfectly. So I started wanting him carnally. He got drunk at some point bc of wine and made himself throw up?
Then we had sex but it was mid at best. I almost cried over how unsatisfied I was lol. After that he kinda questioned if I would ghost him and I just gave very ambiguous answers.
After all of this, this is the funniest part, he left bc he texted to his drug dealer for some weed. He told me he can't get out of it now bc he insisted a lot and his dealers not that trustworthy. I was like "Sure man go get your weed." but he apologized a thousand times and told me he may not come back bc he may stay with a friend there.
He texted me at night and said that he can come back in a few hours but I told him I was gonna leave early anyways. He didn't come back. We still keep in touch but idk why i feel a real attraction towards him. Maybe it's to the thought of him not to him especially but yeah. He responds to my texts still though with very long pauses. He wasn't physically satisfying in anyway but I really wanna spend time with him as a friend I guess.
Anyways this is the story hope you read it and have fun i have been laughing/crying over it for days now.
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/b/stationery-gifts/journals/
21 notes
·
View notes
Text
for some godforsaken reason, I can't see Johnny in my asks or notifications. I AM following btw and see your posts but...hm. anyways I'll just try this
Who was your first ever OC? Do you still “use” them? How have they evolved over time?
My first ever oc was Emily!!! She was originally a Lego Movie fankid between Emmet and Wyldstyle who slowly but surely became her own character..and since she's the protagonist of The Metamorphic Moral, OF COURSE I still use her! Here's her evolution throughout 2014-today (2023) :]
3. Biggest self-insert OC?
To be freaking honest...the main cast in their entirety; Emily, Warf, and Levi are all created with me in mind since the creation of TMM was a way for me to cope in my years of struggling into adulthood.
Emily shows insecurity in her ability to contribute to the incoming future of living on her own and struggles to make friends on top of dealing with fear of getting older and dying, not knowing what it's like when she reaches her end. Her apparent depression has made her unmotivated to do things herself, only relying on making others happy to fill the void in her own self worth.
Warf grew up too fast (both physically and metaphorically) alongside his older sister when they grew up mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abused despite living a lavish lifestyle surrounded by people they trusted. So even now, Warf struggles to accept that his life is even worth it if he ever went on and that things would be better off if he wasn't alive.
Levi wants to prepare to save up for more important things in their life (caring to their insects, wanting to give some nice things to their almost retiring parents, and for them to save up to move in with Emily and Warf later down the line) but with commission work being a slog on their social and romantic life, they worry that being closed in like a cocoon is ruining their chance at living.
6. Do you have any OCs without stories? Will you ever create one for them?
TOOO MANY TO COUNTTT LOLL
I got like a billion unused ocs, most of them from other stories I barely put development in atm (cough cough The Rainbow Circus) but like they will get their time, TMM is more of a passion project I want to put my focus on mainly!
10. OC you most struggled to make?
that's sooo harddd...I think Dusk (Warf and Dawn's long lost brother) like I'm still putting off designing his ref bc IDK!!! I like him but idk why I don't like drawing him as much. maybe bc no one really cares about him? maybe that's it...
That's all!! tysm for asking me these @j-toxicwaste..I had fun answering them!!
(OC ASK QUESTIONS HERE)
#flannelbabbles#flan asks#The Metamorphic Moral#Emily#Warf#Levi#Dusk#death mention tw#tw suicide mention#oc asks#oc questions#ask meme#oc ask meme#ask game
8 notes
·
View notes
Note
Sorry for your loss, Smokey. It is always hard to lose someone close
thanks I appreciate that. yeah it's been real hard. I don't wanna talk alot about it here bc my blog is sposed to be a place for folks (including me) to escape to. I don't even usually like to talk about or reblog world events or anything on here.
I'm gonna say a few things about the situation under a cut, but I'll warn you it's really sad. Death tw I guess. It's also very personal but I need an outlet.
I'm serious when I warn that this is going to be a hard thing to read, and you don't have to read this. In fact I recommend you don't. I'll try to be succinct.
So basically my mom died. She wasn't super old, and she was mostly healthy in regards to that kind of thing. She had a lot of medical issues but none that would have taken her out this suddenly. I'm not strong enough to talk about what things may have happened, we don't really know yet either way until after they look at her a little longer.
I lost my dad when I was 8, and my extended family is mostly estranged. My support network is very thin, but for the most part I think we've got it handled for now. I don't want to get too personal, so I'm being a little vague. It's kinda just. Me and my siblings right now.
My mom's dogs are also very distressed, one of them is having seizure issues because getting him his medication on time is challenging since my mom handled that. Her other dog had troubles eating so she used to hand feed her, but now that she's not around to do it she won't eat. She's a bit older, so we're worried about her.
I'm also fairly young. I won't say how old I am but I'm in my 20s so I'm not really prepared for any of this. We have a lot of issues to sort out like phone plans, bills, her house, her car, and all her like. Special retirement and life plan stuff and what not. Dying costs a lot surprisingly, and the funeral costs alone are over $10,000 USD. That's not a typo nor a joke. Everything's been so impersonal and hard. Going through catalogues and discussing plans with the funeral home they talk about it like it's buying a used car.
Of course aside from the logistics side of things, like the bills and figuring out how to get the money together and how to be a fully sustainable and "got-my-shit-together" adult right out the gates, I'm also going through another death in the family. I've got very few people left. There are many things I wish I would've said or done or asked. I had a near complete breakdown, I'd go into details on things but honestly it's just. Really really sad even for someone else to just read. Even now I'm either barely functional or I'm in full repression mode. The dogs keep looking for her, it's incredibly heartbreaking. I keep "forgetting" what's happened and why I feel so weird and why certain people are here or why I can't do certain things.
When I lost my dad, I lost my ability to tell time and dates. That's also not a joke. The grief effected my entire life until this point. I'm intellectually and emotionally stunted for a number of reasons, that included. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from how things happened with my dad. I'm not a well adjusted adult. I've had so many setbacks and issues that I'm basically in my third childhood now. I'm worried as to what will happen to me mentally following this. I've never been very stable. I've got a lot of issues.
Baseline, I'm not well right now. Things are going to be very hard in the coming days. Idk what's going to happen with everything. Financially, I don't make much and my siblings don't make much either. We don't have a lot of time to come up with the money and there are a lot of other considerations to make. Emotionally is one thing, but I don't even know if I'm going to have a home or internet. I think I will. But it's hard to think about just now. I'm not sure if I'll be posting donation links bc it's a lot of personal IRL information but if I run out of options I'll post about it I'm sure.
It's taking a lot just to keep things kinda ordinary typing on here. In truth I want to say a lot. I want to say a great many things. There's nobody for me to say them to. There's so much. There's so much
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hollow Knight spoilers, idk. its like a 5-year-old game so like whatevs but i will say if u wanna play it and haven't, it is best enjoyed without the kind of spoilers im gna have under the cut. gonna talk abt my thoughts on the first final boss. also its a longass post so, like. yaeh.
final bosses of games(i know HK has other final bosses lol) can have a lot of different aesthetic vibes. the way a boss looks and moves, the music and audio, the way the boss is framed within the environment, and the way it is depicted(or not depicted) prior to the fight itself all play into this 'vibe'. the thing about hollow knight and the battle against The Hollow Knight itself is, that 'vibe' is both extremely unusual on purpose, and incredibly emotionally heavy and complex in a tragically beautiful way.
the last game i beat before hollow knight was metroid dread. no spoilers for that game, but the final boss of dread had a very stereotypical 'final boss vibe'. fuckass huge and cunning, consciously villainous character at the height of their power: Samus's greatest challenge yet. at various points through the fight, i found myself alternating between thinking "oh fuck, im gonna get my ass handed to me" and "gonna fuck this fucker the fuck UP ya bastid". it's a good boss battle with a lot of emotional weight.
but THK(or The Hollow Knight, the character/boss itself) was.... i don't know what exactly i was expecting. THK is not a villain, but a victim. it's not consciously evil or at the height of its power. and i sort of knew that going into the black egg, but i was not prepared for what it would actually look like, at all.
it's hunched over, missing an arm, its legs are bowed out and bent all weird like it can barely even muster the energy to stand. over all else, it just looks so... tired. and that's not just in its first animation, the way it moves gives off that feeling of a being who is running on mere fumes and has been for a long time, exhausted beyond imagining but the job isn't done, and so it has to keep going, keep digging deep, keep fighting.
ok now im gonna reference a bunch of more commonly talked about theories, but hollow knight(the game) is ultimately full of mysteries within the lore so this is all very much subjective and open to interpretation.
the radiance infects bugs through their dreams, right? she gets in through their dreams and corrupts their thoughts and hopes, breaking down their higher willpower until all that's left is this base primal violence. in the pale kings famous speech in the abyss climb he refers to the ideal hollow vessel as having "no mind to think, no will to break, no voice to cry suffering", because a being like this has nothing for the radiance to corrupt. this is all, like, my cliffs-notes understanding btw, and isn't really the point of this post.
the point is that we know that THK had failed, somewhere along the line. it's thoughts, thoughts it wasn't supposed to have, had been corrupted. to have a 'will' one must have a goal, or something to fight for. something to fight against. THK was, more or less, just supposed to be vibing, chained to the ceiling for eternity. the path of pain cutscene provides the best explanation as to why this happened, but all that is beyond the scope of this post.
then there's its 'no voice to cry suffering', which THK still doesn't have - the only sound it makes is the trademark infection roar, which, well, comes from the infection. the important part of that line is actually what it doesn't say, because it doesn't say THK does not suffer.
if you really feel like tearing your heart open with a spatula, btw, look up the Pure Vessels dream nail dialogue from the godhome fight. my heart 🥺
anyways, let me walk you through my emotional experience with THK's boss battle. first it drops down from its chains as seen above, and instantly, i'm not thinking, "oh fuck im screwed", im not thinking "gonna mess u up lol".
i see that and all i can think is, "you poor thing. i am so, so sorry."
but the madness of glorious combat overtakes me. i die a few times, then decide to go get the last nail upgrade and do other stuff around the map before beating the game for the first time. i come back eventually and... die a bunch more, mostly during phase 2. then, on a run where i'm feeling pretty confident, i get to phase 3, and i actually am getting into that mindset of "its fukin over u asshole! i got this! ur dead!"
then THK starts doing this:
its fucking. stabbing itself, over and over. this is a great opening to walk right up to it and get a massive amount of damage in on top of the damage the boss is literally doing to itself. unfortunately, i mostly missed it the first time because i was crying too hard.
theres 2 main theories for why THK does this that i've heard of; one being that its doing it to release more infection out of itself to be more powerful, the second is that The Hollow Knight, with its splintering will and thinking mind, sees and understands on some level what i, as the knight, am trying to do, and is doing what it can to help me in spite of its purpose and in spite of the radiances' influence.
i beat THK that attempt. i had maybe 5 deaths in phase one, at least 10 or 12 in phase 2, but none past that. but like, i didnt want to. all that pride i had in besting this difficult opponent evaporated. all i could think at that point was "not like this. please don't make me do this."
the first theory doesn't really resonate with me, because phase 3 only introduces one new attack, where the infection itself literally picks THK up and ragdolls it into the air, before just. brutally smashing it onto the ground a bunch to try and hit the knight. this attack does double damage, but it's also not super hard to dodge. if the infection was forcing THK to stab itself to become more powerful, it was not an effective strategy. using THK itself as a blunt weapon to beat the player character to death feels, to me, more like a wrathful punishment for THK itself. the fight gets significantly easier in other ways as well; THK's terrifying barrage of rapid-fire huge attacks is slowed by extra mini-staggers and the entire rhythm of the fight gets really thrown off.
hollow knight is a good fucking game
but i did want to beat it, also, because THK is a vessel, just like me. and it had suffered so much, for so long, and i was the only one who had any ability to do anything to help it. in my mind, as a person playing a video game, i went from "i can't look at this horrific a tragedy" to "this is terrifyingly difficult" to "i'm better and stronger than you and i will fuck you up" to "no, not like this, please stop hurting yourself, please stop helping me", and finally to "i'm so, so sorry, but it will be over soon. it wasn't your fault. i'm going to fix this, but it's too late for you and i am so sorry" in one boss battle.
#hollow knight#ughgg i think abt the story of this game so gd much especially thk ending#what a story
20 notes
·
View notes
Text
so i met this girl a while back through my local bdsm group, just from social meetings at a bar, we were kinda friendly with each other and eventually ended up playing together (my first time actually trying that), during which some Feelings ignited for me i guess. thought maybe she was kinda flirting with me afterward, like flirting flirting, outside of play, she kept looking at me and no one had ever looked at me that way before. is this what the songs were talking about? but i was like...... no way. she's outta my league, i don't dare make a move
but luckily SHE did, thank god, she asked me out and i was like he'll yeah. she moved out of town in that time and i left the country for vacation (had the time of my frickin LIFE btw but that's another story), so it wasn't until this last weekend she was able to come down here for the date.
man i'm 30 in a couple months and i hadn't done shit in regards to romance, like i'd been on first dates with people from dating apps that went no further and that's it. the single exception was this girl a few years back who was clearly into me after the first date so i tried seeing her for a few months hoping i'd develop some feelings, but i just.... didn't. couldn't. felt terrible about it but i wouldn't let her kiss me and i let her hug me only reluctantly. idk why but i was just NOT into it even though i felt like, here is someone who finally wants me for the first time, i should take what i can get, right. but i couldn't do it, not even for that
so i felt like, you know, the part of me that always tries to prepare for the worst to protect myself, surely this won't go any further, either. at best we have a fine time but i get yet another "didn't feel a connection." whatever that means, tbh i wasn't sure i'd recognize a connection or if i'd even ever felt one except with my very close friends. but i'd also had this feeling, even from the time we'd played together, that this girl would end up being my first kiss. like again i expected it to like, not go well or lead to anything though, and then we'd like awkwardly decide to be friends after all this and that'd be the end of it
but she got down here and things just kind of..... unfolded naturally, believe it or not. i kinda couldn't believe it. i thought i'd be more nervous or hesitant about everything, but when you're on the same page with someone i guess it just kinda happens, we kissed. i never knew how i'd react to kissing, like would it be gross? but it wasn't gross at all, it felt clean. idk man. i was uncertain in the sense of like, i'm not entirely sure what i'm doing or how to steer the kissing course, but not about whether i felt good about it. like emotionally i knew what i wanted to do, it was just a matter of physically coordinating it, i'm clumsy you know. same for when i held her the first time, we laughed a lot fumbling and trying to get our bodies into position, but it felt fun and not awkward.
so by the end of the night we were girlfriends. can't believe i was so comfortable just being close to someone like that, things are never like that for me. idk man. never thought any of this would ever happen to me. it really is never too late, i guess
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
First thoughts on Speak Now (Taylor's Version)
Mine
That first "uh uh uh" 🥺 this song sounds so good; like the 2010 one but so much better.
Sparke Fly
I love that she used a video from tour for the lyric video. 2011 Taylor with her 2023 vocals, quite literally. One of my favourite thing about the rerecordings is how the instrumentals sound a lot clearer. The way she sings "I know it's no good" oh god.
Back To December
I really love the lyric videos. "Then I think about summer all times I watched you laughing from the passanger side" so exceptionally good ugh HER VOCALS.
Speak Now
Underrated bop tbh. The "don't you"!!!
Dear John
Wanted to kms from that first guitar strings. I love that the lyric video is a letter. Idk if I'm imagining but her voice sounds more...haunted (no pun intended) in this version. Of course the high note sounds even better.
Mean
Country bop!!! Another wonderful thing about the rerecording is how better Taylor's gotten at enunciating. She made it to the big old city 🥺.
The Story of Us
A pop punk bop!!! The fact the lyric video's a book wkfkwkf I'm obsessed with the little illustrations!! Again, like the 2010 version but better. NEXT CHAPTER
Never Grow Up
I wasn't emotionally prepared for the way she sings "oh darling" in this. Will I ever be able to listen to this without crying?
Enchanted
A lyrical masterpiece with improved vocals!! This song literally defined my teen years and now I got to listen to it for the first time again. She truly sings "I'm wonderstruck dancing around all along" like a lovestruck teenager. I'm obsessed with the post-bridge breakdown. It sounds like it's literally her thoughts echoing. Using photos from the Speak Now Tour and then changing it up to Eras Tour pictures was soooo mean.
Better Than Revenge
32 years old Taylor telling me to go stand in the corner YESSSSSSS. I love her voice on the opening message. AKFKWKKF HER VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND VOCALS. I don't care about the lyric change! Y'all should move on because there's nothing to do about it. Idk why focus on that one lyric when the best one in the song is the entire second verse like, a lyric genius.
Innocent
Oh god her voice. Can we now admit it's one of her best songs? I hope she rerecorded the song knowing it's okay to still be growing up. That goddamn high note.
Haunted
The fact she sounds actually haunted in this version. VOCALS!!! That squeak on the last "I thought I had you figured out" ...lives were changed.
Last Kiss
Can't believe she somehow made this song even sadder and we just let her. You know when Taylor puts a watch in her lyric video it's gonna be the best song you've ever heard. The "mmmm" before the bridge. SO I'LL WATCH YOUR LIFE IN PICTURES LIKE I USED TO WATCH YOU SLEEP
Long Live
I love that she uses videos from the Speak Now Tour!! Another song that always makes me cry with updated vocals. Her arm lyric reads "She's out there on her own and she's alright." I'M GOING TO SOB
Ours
This used to be my favourite song when I was a kid 🥲. Listening to it again healed something in me tbh. 13 years later and they really couldn't take what's ours.
Superman
This song's my little baby y'all stay away from it. Something in his deep brown eyes has me saying HE'S NOT ALL BAD LIKE HIS REPUTATION. The bridge was always so good and so underrated.
Vault tracks!!
Electric Touch (feat. Fall Out Boy)
I was so hyped for this one. The most important collab she's ever made. I LOVE the production. First date song!! This is like Fearless' older sister. I missed her crush songs kdkfke. Obsessed with her telling the time.
When Emma Falls In Love
Oh a piano song?? This is such a classic Baby Taylor song. "I've got my money on things going badly" -> "when Emma falls in love she calls her mom, jokes about the ways this one could go wrong" "and all the bad boys would be good boys if they only had a chance to love her" -> "I can make the bad guys for the weekend"
I Can See You
I did not expect this. "I can see you up against the wall with me" excuse me??? This song's a reminder Taylor has always been That Girl.
Castles Crumbling (feat. Hayley Williams)
The lyric video's giving "I'd meet you where the spirit meets the bone" literally Nothing New's little sister oh my god what the fuck. This song is a lot quieter and sadder than I expected. Hayley's vocals ekdkekfke GOD. I love it when Taylor uses kingdom metaphors in her songs.
Foolish One
Her voice!!! "You are not the exception" -> "you are the only exception" she will not be the one he loves :// IT'S DELICATE. And "my cards are on the table, yours are in your hand" because she was being honest about her intentions while he was unclear and confusing.
Timeless
Taylor really loves writing songs about her grandparents. What a way to end this album. "Even in a different life you would've been mine"
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
After missing two classes I made it back today. I need to talk to the professor about my attendance in some form (idk what if anything either of us can do about it, it's college policy that you can only have so many absences) but I made it to class and I feel better mentally.
I had slipped into an old pattern. After a couple weeks I started getting behind. That didn't have to be a big problem. And it was to be expected, if only I could have remembered; I'm living in untreated physicalmental illness limbo and it's hard to keep up with things. But it got to me, emotionally.
I flashed back to an amalgamation of all the struggles, failures, and invalidations I've gone through at school and at work for half my life.
That hit hard.
I wasn't prepared. It's been a couple years and I've avoided confronting this particular issue. I was just going with the flow until these feelings bowled me over like a tidal wave.
I thought the distance would protect me, that enough time had passed that all the trauma and anxiety could have magically healed. I was wrong, but on the other hand, that distance did give me perspective.
I picked myself back up.
During that process, I asked myself, "what if I fail?" —I sat with the possibility. Up until this point I'd worked so hard to avoid the thought, and now I let myself acknowledge it.
What if I fail again? For the fifth time, or however many times I've tried to take this class now.
Well, I'd feel bad. I'd have wasted $400 and tanked my GPA even further. That would suck.
I'd still have learned something. I always do. I learn about myself through the struggle, I learn about English and literature, I learn why it's important to others and what it means to me. I figure out piece by piece why this of all things is my shatterpoint.
(I find that even as I shatter, as I remain delicate, everything else gets easier with age.)
I would know that I'd tried. Before signing up for this class I thought it was worth trying again, at this imperfect moment, even with the risk of failure. I still think it's worth it.
You pick your battles, and sometimes you lose. You live to fight another day.
I haven't lost this one yet. I haven't given up, either. So it's just... Get back up. Keep going. One foot in front of the other.
6 notes
·
View notes
Note
im sorry i have to say this i dont want to offend but ur mom is so fucked up. every time i see a post youve made or tags youve written on another post and it starts out like "one time my mom" i prepare myself to hear the most buckwild shit imaginable. i hope ur ok
No you're fine!! Don't worry about being offensive lol.
My mom has been going to therapy so she is kinda working on some of her issues but she's still an utter shit show
Little bit of a rant under the cut, tw for mentions of abuse/slurs/assault/self-harm/etc. All pretty vague but better safe than sorry.
And, thank you for being concerned. It means a lot.
My mom is incredibly emotionally abusive (she would be physically abusive if she could be but she has carpal tunnel in both wrists and is also half a foot shorter than me so the few times she's tried it didn't really do anything). I know that. Took me a while to realize it. I remember there was this one time - I was 14 or so - and she was screaming in my face and I was just zoned out wishing that she would just beat me to a fucking pulp so I could have physical evidence of how she hurt me. So that there would be no 'oh she didn't mean it' or 'maybe I misunderstood, I should stop being so sensitive' or whatever. I craved confirmation of my pain. That's how I finally accepted it was abuse.
Admittedly she had a fucked up background (was abused as a child and had an abusive relationship) and it severely messed her up. Being raised in a strict Hispanic Catholic household where the elders were always right, anything going against God was horrible, and you were constantly criticized for the way you looked and acted, none of that helped either. First time I met my great aunt (the one who raised my mom) she told me I was disgustingly fat and should starve myself so boys would want me. So I see where my mom got it from. I think that's why I lost it so hard at Turning Red.
Things didn't used to be this bad. When I was younger my mom and I were really close, y'know? But then I hit middle school and started forming my own opinions that differed from hers (and started showing more clear signs of nuerodivergence) and shit hit the fan. It's one of those things where 80% of the time we get along fine but then the other 20% she's basically calling me a dyke-slut-whore-retard etc etc. Don't remember if I mentioned this or not but I'll throw it here again anyways, she refused to let me go to therapy when I was in middle school (when I was suicidal) because she 'didnt want to be the mother of the crazy kid'. When I was in highschool and was self-harming she screamed at me because 'what if the boys see it then they'll never want to date [me]' and then bought me a cardigan so I could cover the marks. She refused to acknowledge I was autistic until I could use it on my college applications. She always makes sure she's the biggest victim in the room. Constantly talks about/threatens suicide when I call her out on her shit. Dumps all of her emotional problems onto me. I was fucking six or seven when she told me about my dad's affair, and she's just continued sharing every little thing with me ever since. I make jokes about it but honestly,,, if she wasn't a Catholic who believes suicide = Hell, I'd be afraid she would kill me in a murder-suicide thing. I've had friends who have met her irl tell me that if I ever suddenly disappear they're just gonna assume she was involved somehow. So. Idk. There's a lot more shit she does that I haven't talked about yet because it hasn't come up, but yeah it's always the weirdest shit.
Oh I am definitely not okay. I have a pathetically low self-esteem and need constant validation or else I assume everyone hates me because that's how I grew up. I really wanna talk about myself and my oc work but I get anxious that everyone will hate it and think it's dumb and insult me for it because that's how it was growing up. I call myself an idiot because that's what I was always called growing up. I will put up with massive amounts of abuse/manipulation because that's how it always was growing up. Any time someone compliments me my initial reaction is to assume it's a sarcastic insult because that's how it's always been growing up. I've had people tell me that sometimes they feel shitty about their home life but then they look at my mom and remember how great they have it, so at least my trauma serves some greater purpose.
I try my best to remain positive and laugh about things, and that helps somewhat. My Life Is A Fucking Soap Opera And I Will Liveblog That Shit. I probably should get into therapy but since I'm not even allowed to talk on the phone without my mom listening at my door, that probably won't happen anytime soon.
Idk guys. If you have a decent parent then go give them a hug. And if you don't, then, rip to us.
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
Been thinking a lot from the past week about life in general. I wasn't sure if I wanted reach out again to a certain friend whom I used to be close with a decade+ ago, but after giving extra thought to his perspective (assuming he hasn't changed too much from the past decade+) and from mine, I'm going to make the attempt...eventually.
I'm usually the one who reaches out. I was debating whether or not I should fully put it on him this time for good, but I thought more about our last interaction, being from 5 years ago that ended on an awkward note (long story short, he emotionally hurted and insulted me in the process during a conversation we had, but he apologised after I called him out on it) so, I could understand why he might be hesitant in reaching out to me and decided I should make the initiative again myself. But at the same time, he isn't the type to be hung up on the past (at least from what I could tell from the last time anyway), and he should already know it's water under the bridge by now. It's kinda hard to tell. And yet at the same time...a part of me says not to because Idk if I'm comfortable enough to share any aspects of my life in the present day with him again anymore like we used to (even if it's something really small) after that. I know, it's a lil' hypocritical on my end, but the damage was pretty bad.
I have an idea of what to write to him, and I'll probably regret it if I don't. No idea how often he checks his messages in general anymore these days. But should he not respond and is interested enough to follow up with me to catch up again, at least he'll know the message I want to convey to him and I'll leave it as that with me getting 100% closure about him as a person for real this time, even though I'll need to potentially face even more pain to be inflicted on me (I need to mentally prepare for this hence the eventually part lol). The main thing is, I hope he's just doing well in life.
(Should mention that he actually used to be my first serious love and he liked me back, but we never dated. And just as a disclaimer, I've no clue if he's single now or not but even if he happens to be, I definitely don't see us working out in the present day and the opportunities are also long gone by now. In a nutshell, his friendship meant the world to me and I wish we hadn't drifted apart;; I won't actually say this to him since it's too awkward siuefhiesfuise)
#Auri thinks about stuff#delete later#friendships in a nutshell it's a complex situation oesfioesoi#dw I don't think about this often#and I know I need to keep being pre-occupied
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
everything-redacted-and-others
Brown.. my eyes where brown
dryada
♄
nemo-in-wonderland
Nemo in Wonderland - Weaver of Dreams
icannotbelieveiamhere
Searching for Rainbows
ourfriendshq
'cause you're there for me too