#breadtab life
Text
I finally read the instructor's feedback on my midterm essay and she said it was better than some published essays of the same type that she'd read, and it gave her a better appreciation of the source material—a poem she'd read many times, written by someone she personally knows! I'm happy stimming in a Starbucks right now
Y'all, I slapped together that essay over a couple days and submitted it late because I was working on it right up to the deadline. I thought it was going to get a "B" at best! Nope... 100%. Fuck!
I'm not trying to go on here and be braggy I'm just. Kind of in shock. Shit. Imposter Syndrome Real. Oh my god. Why am I serially failing English classes instead of pursuing writing as a career? What am I doing with my life??
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
intro
Hi, my name is Steve and I’m a self-sufficient miner, craftsman, farmer, and explorer. I live a pretty solitary life. It’s not really a problem... I’m a laid-back kinda guy and I’m happy. But it does get kind of boring sometimes, I guess.
I’m starting this blog because my friend Alex was like, “you should go on the internet more!” Shout-out to them for making this exist. This is supposed to be just a place to chat about stuff, and Alex also suggested making it be like a kind of “Q and A” thing because apparently people are interested in my lifestyle? It makes sense I guess, because I see a lot of cool mobs and stuff.
So, ask me whatever questions you want!
I’ll do my best to answer anything people send over. The internet connection isn’t great out here, I’ve been hanging out a few thousand blocks from spawn recently and I’m trying to rig up a better connection... Uh, but I guess you guys probably don’t want too much detail on the technical redstone stuff.
Other interests... I like music discs and note blocks, alchemy, martial arts, parkour, cartography, sculpting, architecture, magic, and books. That’s all I can think of for now. Thanks for reading!
- Steve
...
[Out-Of-Character note: This is an ask blog RP run by tumblr user bread-tab. Asks will be answered via sketches and comics, sometimes accompanied by short sections of text (shorter than this post :P). Feel free to ask Steve about anything even vaguely related to Minecraft, including Minecraft YouTubers! Or about things that aren’t related to Minecraft at all...just be aware that Steve isn’t from around here and some globe-world concepts may confuse him. ;)
All posts on this blog will be based on my interpretation of Minecraft as a “realistic” internally consistent universe and of Steve and other characters as individuals within that setting. All errors and artistic license belong to me; the characters and setting technically belong to Mojang.
That said, my dear readers, ask away and enjoy! <3
- breadtab]
#minecraft#steve minecraft#steve#minecraft fanart#ask blog#ic#ooc#backstory#note: i listened to 'revenge' by captainsparklez several times while drawing this
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
spent at least 12 hours today making that resume and applying for a couple dozen jobs. wish me luck 🫠👍
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
sudden realization that most people's fandom experience as a teenage millennial was uh. *not* centered around christian sci-fi/fantasy writing forums. probably. huh
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Yesterday I found myself fretting because I was trying to get some work done on a car, and if it rained today I wouldn't be able to. But then I was like, I love the rain, if it doesn't rain I'll be disappointed. I was fretting over what felt like inevitable disappointment.
Then I went, wait a minute. If it doesn't rain, I get to finish the work on the car. If it does rain I get to enjoy the rain. This is a win/win scenario.
So today I'm enjoying the rain.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
as of this week i've made appointments to start seeing a new doctor AND a new therapist.
been nearly a year since i walked out on my old shitty therapist. very interesting year. a lot happening (a LOT a lot, oh my god). some bad. some very bad. but a lot of very very good. way more good than expected. more than i could have imagined, really, when i was trying—two years ago when i saw the change coming, looming and blocking out all beyond it like a total wave, and i was mainly grieving and terrified.
also a lot of self-reflection, and on the flip side a lot of getting lost in the moment and forgetting myself.
(it's like how, when i'm unmedicated (like now), i can remember what it's like for my brain to be working better, but i can't really remember until i'm back on meds and all the neural pathways line up again. and yes here i am comparing talking to emotionally intelligent people (professionals) with being on prescription drugs. c'est la vie)
before this i had gone through around five years of therapy and had never taken a significant break. i got used to having a companion in my introspective adventures. a touchstone to keep me from wandering back into all my old bad habits. i was so afraid to give that up.
in the end, i didn't have much choice. so i got up and walked out and started walking my lonely road (as green day might put it) again. but this time, i found, i had the ghosts of therapists past walking with me. it was not at all the same.
i didn't realize how much i had changed until i could compare those two oh-so-different solitudes.
because, in the time that therapy was working for me, i learned so much. i learned it and damn well applied it. how to cry in front of someone. how to be upset and yet not feel like the world was ending. how to let my emotions exist. how to let the world exist and face the shape of my life without trying to force it to change. how to talk to someone. how to build trust, like a bridge, with my own two hands.
i associated all that with being in therapy; i didn't know it had become part of me.
my dear good therapist taught me how to ask for help. my shitty therapist taught me some other stuff which i don't think she intended to; and in the midst of that mess of mixed gems and slag it emerged: the clarity of contrast, to appreciate all i had learned and was capable of. the motivation of spite (justice!) to seize back my agency:
"i can do a better job at this
(the business of helping myself)
than you."
i would not choose to make anyone else use that method to learn, but it was what i had, and i damn well learned. i know better. i know myself better. i don't need to feel insecure about this. i am done with the starvation of waiting for cruel people's mercy.
(i am on the hunt for a kinder world, and i am a persistence predator.)
it is strange to anticipate this new venture into therapy, with all my changed motivation. i have my guard so far up. yet i am somehow, simultaneously, ready to open up, to be (in the eyes of my past self) unfathomably honest and extend enough of an olive branch of vulnerability to form a genuine connection, to tackle both my truest struggles and my "unacceptable" flaws. a surreal synthesis.
i am ready to ask for help and i am ready to walk out if i'm not getting it. i'm done wasting time. my fears and desires have narrowed down to the knife-edge of needing to be a better person.
i am ready to get to work.
#breadtab life#personal#therapy#bad therapy#mental health#medication mention#untagged#<- because I'm not going through and fully trigger tagging this one. i cannot#(man i need to sort out the ruins of my tagging system)#(gotta wring the scrupulosity out of it)#long post
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
*doing readings at 4am voice*
i am englishing the fuck out of this class
#eng102 saga#working on better habits just#i was busy#it was really cold#my car is at the car doctor i couldn't go to the cafe#seriously considered walking there in the snow though#forgot to consider ''house has no central heating'' on barriers to academic success#anyway#sleep time#breadtab life#sleep deprived#academia my beloathed
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
*having a conversation with a new friend*
this is... nice! actually rather pleasant! and look how calm i am. this is not so bad actually. why do i have social anxiety again
*1 hour later, after friend has left*
ohhmmy ggg od wh y am i. shhshakking. hhhhhhhhhhhHHHHH
#*narrator voice* the ''calm'' was actually ten gallons of adrenaline#social anxiety#breadtab life#im okay#*breathes into paper bag*#👍
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
this was my nephew's first xmas and pretty quickly he got so overwhelmed he couldn't even open his own presents but he got a puppy plushie about 2/3 his size and immediately stuffed most of its face in his mouth. so a net win, i think
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
recently my face has grown a few hairs and otherwise somehow changed juuust enough that acquaintances aren't recognizing me. (the voice drop helps too.) i work at a couple places that have a lot of regulars. i've been getting asked if i'm new, congratulated on getting the job, etc. well this one person (who i only know as Muffin Lady because she knows what she likes) happens to also know one of my siblings and she's like,
"heyyy! you're the sister-brother, right?!"
and i'm like "...um, yeah"
Muffin Lady is thrilled. she thinks i'm the best thing she's seen since poppyseed muffins and goes out of her way to tell me i'm awesome
and idk y'all, there's a lot of fuss in the online community about labels and terminology and knowing just the right things to say about what trans people are going through and that's all fine
but irl? i'm finding that it's the Muffin Ladies of the world that make me feel like everything is going to be okay. it's the people that don't know shit about you and just want a muffin taking a second to say "you're awesome!" because they're not paying attention to all the political bs, they just see some weirdo being unapologetically themselves and get excited
thank you Muffin Lady. i'm glad you know what you like. you're awesome too
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
just realized i haven't been asked to smile or been told "you would look prettier if you smiled" since i went on T
1 point to male privilege
(it's not like i *wasn't* smiling before, either. i literally got nicknamed "smiley" at one point despite having depression. some men just literally can't stand to see a girl (or "girl") with a neutral expression for five seconds)
#misogyny#trans guy#breadtab life#once you grow a beard you've had it... you can't get any prettier than that#i have so few male privileges i will take this one
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
also, even after the power nap i still started to get drowsy again on the last leg but ...luckily... there was a cop who decided to follow me for a mile by getting into my blindspot in the left lane and syncing up with my speed and it was so creepy i experienced the "i am being stalked by a predator" instinct and got a flush of adrenaline, which kept me properly awake. so ...thanks... for that. i guess
#the funny thing was#he followed me until i passed through a roundabout#and then shortly after that did a Uie and left me alone#so like#i know he was following me specifically#but also apparently going through a roundabout successfully counts as a drunk test#police cw#breadtab life#sleep deprived#car lifestyle
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
every time my glasses get dirty every day i am filled with resentment and childish pique, i procrastinate, my eyes are clouded by a dozen types of horrendous greases until i finally give in to the indignity of taking off the devices that allow me to focus on whatever's in my hands and i hold them in those blurry blurry hands and spray invisible liquid on them and squint and squint and squint
and then i put them back on again and wow!
Vision
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
[Recording internal dialogue]
Prediction.Algorithm Output: My immediate future is looking All Fucked Up.
"It's my own fault for overdoing it yesterday, I am so unreliable, I'm going to get fired—"
Destructive train of thought identified. Redirect.
"The smartest thing to do right now would be calling in. I'm already very late, and resting in the meantime has not decreased my pain levels. This doesn't happen unless I'm genuinely in serious physical or mental distress."
Premise accepted.
"I've been in distress too often recently."
Objection irrelevant. Dismissed.
"I don't want to call in."
Emotional obstacle identified: Anxiety.
Analyzing inputs from AnxietyTrigger matrix, indexing: [
0 {"phone call", mild},
1 {"disappointed authority figure", severe},
2 {"disappointed self", moderate}
]
Trigger items {0, 2} exported to UseYourSkills.DistressTolerance queue. Deferred.
Trigger item 1 identified as hypothetical. Applying stored principles from coping modules.
Loading Social.AnxietyDiffusion method...
Output: "Give people the chance to be kind to you."
Risk assessment: 15% chance of failure.
Loading Bribe.DopamineReward method...
Output: "If you make that phone call, you can have a cookie. And get that Murderbot audiobook you want."
Parameters within acceptable range.
Generating new Plan {
Make phone call.
Acquire items ["audiobook", "cookie"].
Consume items.
}
Prediction.Algorithm Output: My immediate future is looking okay.
Initializing Plan...
...
...
...
[External dialogue]
*ringing*
"Hey! What's up?"
"Hey boss... Uh... I'm feeling sick."
"Got it. Well, go get some rest and feel better."
"Thanks."
[External dialogue ends.]
...
...
...
Plan executed successfully.
Editing risk assessment parameter: Social.Anxiety/kindnessChance {failure rate}
Value = 15%
Value = 12%
Changes saved.
[Internal dialogue ends. Archived to TimesYouDidntSuckAtLifeAfterAll.database]
#anxiety aka overestimated risks#coping with mental illness#aka#hacking your brain in real time#coping with storytelling#coping#breadtab life#social anxiety#actuallyautistic#narrative style somewhat inspired by murderbot#somewhat inspired also by half forgotten Java programming class#gotta get back to that at some point#long post
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
i'm in love with scooters
today i went grocery shopping after work and used one of the motorized scooter carts for the first time.
i walked in, realized i was there for more than two items, and turned around to get a cart. Lo and behold, there were like ten scooter carts sitting there with no one using them.
i hesitated.
my hip joints nudged me and whispered, "yo, wanna see us race to find out which one can dislocate faster?"
i sat.
being a responsible driver, i read all the instructions before turning on the cart. and then, like an intellectual, nearly backed into a wall instead of going forward.
it really made me think about the accessibility of grocery stores. I.E., i had to stand up at one point to to reach a bag of chips. what if i didn't have any legs? no chips for the legless. (or, idk, you get really good at using those grabby claw things.)
at one point i was like, man, i wish these things went faster. i could walk much quicker than this. and i said to myself, would you rather be walking?
no.
would you be more likely to run over some toddler or innocent old person if it did go faster?
...yeah.
i reconciled myself to a steady 2 mph.
zooming around would probably drain the battery, anyway. i reflected on how much it might cost the store to charge and maintain these things. and then i realized i'd been in there twice as long as i would have stayed otherwise and had ice cream and milano cookies in my cart which i wouldn't have gotten if i was in pain. so that's probably a net profit
the logistics of using the self check out machine was different. i had to lean way forward over the controls to unload my groceries and then back up approximately fourteen inches to get my receipt.
an employee came over and helped me pack up the groceries which was good because they were a little hard to reach. there was one of those little check-signing surfaces at approximately my eye level that i had to awkwardly reach around. (i'm used to being short. i'm not used to being that short.)
i've been eying the scooter carts with longing every time i go into a store for...uh... years, at this point, but holding off because i "only" had ortho hypo, and i also have social anxiety which gives me imposter syndrome about just walking into a store on my own two feet. and i've heard too many horror stories of disabled people being mistreated because they didn't "look" disabled enough to be using such accomodations.
but I've been having pretty bad joint pain (i blame the wildfire smoke) and i figured if anyone gave me shit about it i could just be like "my hips dislocate when i walk :)))"
and you know what? nobody gave a shit! in fact, on my way through the parking lot, two separate people approached and politely asked if i needed help getting things into my car.
i'm glad i overcame the nervousness and did something kind for myself. and i think i needed reminding that most people are nice.
#i did feel a little weird walking back to my car after that but that's the imposter syndrome talking#if i couldn't walk at all i wouldn't have been able to get into the store where the scooter was in the first place#which is a whole different problem#if you think about it a car is basically a big wheelchair#and my car is technically probably small enough to squeeze through the automatic doors#but i don't think they'd appreciate me parking in the cart bay#disabilityblogging#breadtab life#orthostatic hypotension#unidentified joint problem#positivity#assistive devices#swearing
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
i'm at the stage of the semester where i can only do so much to affect my final grade, to catch up, etc, and i find myself in an unprecedented state of serene reflection
i have learned so much from this class about what it means to go back to school as an adult.
which is weird because i went to college for 8-ish years straight as a young adult trying to get my damn associate's degree and i started to feel REALLY old by the time i hit 24 in that environment.
but as the big three-oh slowly draws nearer, and i come back to the ministrations of the education industry after a couple of very long gap years... i find myself in a different paradigm.
i've forgotten my old routine. i've gotten rusty at it. i didn't plan before the semester, or go carefully shopping for supplies; i didn't even go to the disability services office and ask for accommodations
(which in hindsight i should have, because they'd have let me use some expensive but very handy note-taking software for free and it's a little late for that now but i still need to catch up on recorded lectures)
i just. dived right in. and i handled it like a fukcing champ. i figured out new time management and mental energy budgeting strategies on the fly. i juggled making it to class around two jobs, a volunteer gig, and multiple illness flareups. i dropped the ball spectacularly. i had a couple very bad anxious breakdowns. and every time, i de-catastrophized and picked myself back up.
it's time to start work on the final essay. miracle of miracles, i got the reading done for it. now i have to do (shudder) research. my goal is to submit ONE structrually sound essay, edited, maybe even looked over by a tutor first—ONE good essay that i didn't write on the day of the deadline, goddamnit.
and even if i do, even if i get 100% on the final, i don't know whether i will pass the class. but i will continue giving it the good ol' college try right up to the last day.
(and unlike last time i did this—last time i decided i'm going to squeeze every drop of insight and integrity out of my stupid hard-earned F—this time i'm not stressing about it. i mean, i feel the stress, sure. but it's an order of magnitude less serious.)
this has been a learning experience. i don't know what the hell i was thinking signing up for the class i've historically done the worst at this semester, when i was out of practice with the entire concept of going to school, stressed, unmedicated, broke and stretched thin on time management already. what the fuck, January!Jack?
but somehow i've done the best i ever have in this class. i've done all the readings. i've read some damn decent literature these last couple of months. i actually participated in discussions without pulling anything out of my ass from a hasty skim-reading. inability to complete writing assignments in a timely manner aside... i at least started most of them. i cannot stress enough that i did all the readings, *unmedicated.* (coffee helps but is not an effective substitute.) i have no idea where this newfound ability to focus has come from... well, wait, i do.
i figured out how to make myself *want* to do all the readings.
all of them.
if nothing else, that's worth the $400 i dropped on this class even if i fail. i figured out how to fucking read again.
in short:
W
3 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
arandicanek
El Amanecer de la Serpiente Obscura
gendstil
wizard extraordinaire
wildfellweekly
Wildfell Weekly