I am feeling very conflicted because I want to do more activism but I live in a very isolated area, and the one organization that works here that I even remotely align with politically has had some issues with the people it's supposed to serve (immigrants in this case) complaining that it doesn't provide many services needed and some people in it are dicks. Also, the options they have to collaborate are very much not autistic friendly. At the same time, I hate the thought of sitting back and doing nothing -beyond what I already do, which is limited to people I know- because the option to do something is not perfect. What would you recommend?

It sounds as though the organization you are looking at is a nonprofit that provides social services. I would not consider working with such an organization to be activism, usually. They will present volunteering your time with them as "activism," but it's really just free labor, somewhere on the spectrum between being charitable with your time and labor exploitation.

There is very little that most nonprofits do to advance any kind of social or political change of any kind. For the most part, nonprofits function to maintain their own operations, with a side hustle of dispensing very limited resources to marginalized people who will remain just as marginalized afterward.

More on this:

If you'd like to be involved more in your community in a way that feels meaningful and that works with your disability, I would encourage you to think far more broadly than merely joining an existing easily-findable organization. That kind of search will tend to skew toward liberal, nonprofit-led, politically toothless efforts. Instead, think of what you can do to make greater contact with the people in your area who are marginalized and share struggles with you.

Can you give homeless people meals in the park and ask them how they're doing? Can you get involved in your local parks or nature reserves? (there if you're volunteering your time, at least it can be for something enriching and beneficial). Is there a local Food Not Bombs chapter? A local Muslim community center that could use safety marshalls? A local abortion clinic that could use the same? Do you have neighbors who are single parents and need childcare help? Dogsitting? Does the senior down the street need their lawn mowed?

Is there a local Facebook group where you can offer help to people in your community in need? Start saying hello to people. Asking them about their day. Asking about what's going on in the neighborhood. What needs done, who needs help, what problems are plaguing the area that nobody is doing anything about? Are there any local businesses that are discriminatory and need to be taken to account publicly? Are there forests you can help protect from deforestation with tree spiking? Is there a jail near you where you can provide jail support, handing out food and clothes and water and letting released prisoners make phone calls?

Some of this stuff might not seem like activism in the most obvious, in-your-face, picket-signs-and-banners-in-the-streets sense. But it's a lot more impactful than a lot of that is on its own. It's community building. I'd also recommend reading some stuff on the Anarchist Library website about building one's own affinity groups. You don't need a big formal organization to make a difference -- in fact, for many structural and economic reasons, it can be harder to make a difference within a large group that faces public exposure and the risk of legal censure. A few new homies in your town who care as much as you do can do a whole lot of good.

Some reading:

"unspeakably racist inflation fetish willy wonka parody OSR module" im sorry WHAT

okay so

lamentations of the flame princess is a dime-a-dozen OSR game that was written by a guy who i'm pretty sure to this day defends

~ALLEGED~

serial rapist and predatory shithead zak s. it's not very good and all of its modules are pure reactionary dreck. blood in the chocolate was a lotfp module that won an ennie in 2017 despite being just genuinely horrifically racist and homophobic and using sexual assault for cheap shock value and also being willy wonka inflation porn. i mean to be clear i dont think that last thing is morally equivalent to any of the others but without it this would become a depressingly boring and happens-every-year 'OSR module contains spectacular racism, is applauded by industry' story.

you can read a detailed writeup of why it sucks so fucking much here (cw: sexual assault, racism, homophobia, probably more. it's real bad) but tldr it is about an evil fat latina lesbian sex predator who makes evil chocolate with the help of a tribe of enslaved evil cannibal "pygmies", who Very Cleverly parody the oompa loompas by just being the oompa loompas but way more explicitly racist. the way the evil chocolate works is it gives you horrible curses, most of which inflate you making you big and round. you know. like in willy wonka and the chocolate factory.

and like listen if you and your table of likeminded friends want to play inflationquest, the TTRPG about becoming big and round, all the more power to you. but this is all presented as if it is meant to be played for horror and it's some real piss wizard shit. also i cannot stress enough if you haven't clicked on the article i linked above it's incredibly racist. anyway it got an ennie and nobody noticed or cared until three years later when massif press (the lancer guys) were nominated for an ennie and then loudly withdrew their nomination because they didn't want to get an award from the organization that gave an award to this bullshit. rightfully so. but it's fucking ridiculous it took that to draw any attention to this. dreadful awful stuff

hi! this is maybe very out of the blue, but - i'm reading 'our feast is but beginning' on ao3, and in a comment on part one you write something about the urca gold being a cursed symbol and that it makes zero economical sense. idk really what i am asking but maybe - do you have posts on hand that deal with that? or would you write down some of your thoughts on that? it sounds really interesting! thanks (:

OOOH I'm so excited to talk about this -- it is actually going to come up more in the final chapter of that series, and it comes up as a major plot point in longfic, because I think its a really great example of how in some ways Black Sails is Just a Story. Which is also to say: none of what I'm saying here is a criticism of the show. The Urca Gold is Pirate Treasure writ large, it serves its function in the narrative, we don't actually need to think about the real world implications of stealing it.

But IF, for instance, you were a fanfic writer and kind of a history and econ nerd, and inclined to 'well actually' stuff, then you might see a couple problems with the gold as a solution for a free and independent Nassau. I think of them basically as problems of scale and form.

Let's talk about scale first. Basically, if you are going to steal and not die, you have to make a few calculations.

If you can steal something big, run away and live anonymously ever after, good for you! No problems. (This was Silver's initial plan. He was smart.)

If, however, you are going to steal openly, and maintain some sort of defended home base (see: bandits, organized crime, pirates) you have to ensure it is not worthwhile for people to come get their stuff back. This is why, as a pirate, it behooves you to have a reputation for extreme violence, and also a remote hideout. Merchant ships have insurance, the right people quietly profit from the fencing of pirated goods; nobody actually wants to die, so piracy is cost of doing business, and the world carries on.

The Urca gold is in a completely different class of stealing. This isn't holding up a truck; it isn't robbing the bank. It's robbing the Federal Reserve. Five million Spanish dollars, in today's money (yes, there are issues thinking of it this way, but the point holds) equals somewhere around 250-300 million US dollars.* There is simply no way that it is not worth Spain's (or England's) time and resources to go get it back. The cache they were fighting over at the end was one share and it was enough to cause all that trouble. The full amount would be worth sending a good chunk of your navy for, and the fact that this did not happen immediately requires some suspension of disbelief. Anyway.

Flint's theory seems to be that it's enough money to allow the pirates to defend Nassau against that threat, and basically establish themselves as a rich colony the empires won't fuck with. This is treated by the show like a reasonably serious proposition. So why does it fall apart? You can buy anything with that kind of money, can't you?

Now we get to the problem of form. Gold is only useful if you can exchange it for stuff you need. This is a problem for the pirates on two different fronts, defense specifically and trade in general.

In terms of defense, the pirates would need, very quickly, enough ships and guns to fight at least one imperial navy. But only the major powers were capable of manufacturing those ships and guns. Even if the pirates bought up all they could in terms of well-armed merchant ships/found a corrupt governor or two to buy guns and powder from, it would always be a losing battle because no matter how much money you throw at them, the powers that make warships are absolutely not selling you any. Why would they, when they can use them to come take the gold instead?

So, if the pirates aren't going to live long once they have this gold, can they at least spend their last months being filthy rich and enjoying themselves?

Not really.

We see Jack's crew members getting huge shares, everyone else on the island taking payment to help with defense when the time comes, as well as Jack paying laborers exorbitant amounts. So there's plenty to go around right?

This is how inflation happens. If we all suddenly have twice as much gold, but there is no more actual physical stuff, almost instantly the stuff will cost twice as much. This problem at least theoretically could be corrected by increasing trade. [Also, realistically, people would leave. But let's say they're staying for belief in the pirate republic reasons.] Because in the wider economy of trade in the Atlantic money is still valued normally, you can just import what you need.

And, maybe. This is more plausible than the rest.

But that sort of correction takes time, and given the whole 'war with civilization' situation, there can't be legitimate and sanctioned trade. It's pretty hard to get enough illegitimate goods in for an economy to prosper --- especially because if you're relying on black market trade during wartime, notoriously there ends up being price gouging and then you're back to square one with inflation.

In conclusion: the show does not get bogged down by this, as it shouldn't. It's fine. But yeah, the gold is fake and makes no sense, and Flint and Jack especially are borderline delusional about what it can achieve for them.

*This is actually not as impressive as I wanted it to be, once I started looking up reference points, eg, how much outstanding student debt is there? how much money does besos have? how much is defense spending? Did y'all know we should fight capitalism and eat the rich?

hey gang what time is it its time for another joe trohman podcast. this actually came out like a month ago but i missed it until isa linked it to me and because i like doing these heres a highlights reel

the host says he appreciates that joe opened the book with the question of whether or not satan fucked his wife to which joe replies "well you know, when you have kids, sometimes you wonder that. you truly wonder what are these demons. i love my children btw they're phenomenal."

sometimes it does get tiring playing the same songs over and over. joe says that "thnks fr th mmrs" has a really good energy and tempo that keeps it exciting to play live

he talks about playing a really short iheartradio christmas show pre-pandemic and nobody in the crowd knew "sugar we're goin down" since they were only familiar with the more recent hits like "centuries" and "uma thurman" and joe said that it made him fall in love with sugar all over again in a weird way ldjfldkfd

he laments recently getting the chance to see wu-tang, nas, and busta rhymes at the hollywood bowl but he didn't go

his love language is giving gifts! he got his brother a custom drum set (which his mom attempted to throw out)

he reiterates that when writing the book he didn't want to be mean to any of his bandmates cause he likes them and thats not what the book is about! the host makes a joke: "like how you guys had that threesome with simple plan...i understand, you don't wanna get into that!" joe is offended that he clearly doesn't know how many guys are in simple plan. "there's more than three guys in there! the orgy was far larger than you give it credit!"

he doesnt remember any other names that the band could have been called but he does think fall out boy is a pretty terrible name for a band. "i can't believe i'm in a band called fall out boy."

discussions of the band origin and how joe funded it with his bar mitzvah money ("fall out boy, funded by judaism!") but when asked about financial gains from the band he says they all split everything evenly and it's one of the things that's helped them last this long

talking about scott ian and the damned things and he talks about how managing a supergroup is like herding cats because everyone is so busy with their respective groups. he says he'd LOVE to do a third damned things record though!

he talks about how weird it was to have this boy band aspect to them when they were at their peak pre-hiatus, because they were all hardcore kids and punk kids.

he recalls that around this time patrick asked their manager, with visible concern, "are we...the nsync to panic at the disco's backstreet boys?"

he's glad that they've outgrown that and kept pushing forward and looking forward, and by now they're no longer a boy band. "we're a man band!"

he thinks it's kind of neat to see the emo movement of the aughts become nostalgic and cool now ("it was not fucking cool when we were doing it [...] we stuck around for long enough to Not Be Lame"), but it's a big thing for fall out boy that they do not want to be a nostalgia act and they want to keep making new albums.

the host semi-jokingly says "so you and panic at the disco are not gonna go out on tour, is what you're saying." joe says "no" very flatly and i lose my shit.

he denies that fall out boy is working on any specific new music. he says they're just piecing things together organically and that no real album has coalesced. (note: this episode aired 11/12, ~2 weeks before the fob8 tribune ad)

he talks a bit about working with brian posehn on the axe and how much he loved doing it! he calls the whole story a metaphor for dealing with pain and trauma and the different ways there are to confront that stuff. he said the axe is coming out as a trade "soon" so people who don't have a subscription to heavy metal can read it

his first concert was tom petty and the heartbreakers when he was 10 or 11

he says the two things that matter most for a band's live show are the drummer and the singer. he then proceeds to be extremely sweet about patrick and andy.

"patrick, he's incredible, he's so gifted, and he's worked so hard with his voice lessons and figuring out how to sing from the diaphragm properly, and he really knows how to work through when he's sick and having real issues, so he's quite a trooper."

"and andy is just a great drummer. when he thinks he's had a bad day i'm like...yeah. sure. i don't think you know what that is."

he did not get laid in high school. first time was in a shared tour bus, listening to testament (a thrash metal band), when he was 19. (they never saw each other again)

since testament was the soundtrack the host asks if he ever gets a reaction whenever joe hears chuck billy (testament's lead vocalist). joe says without missing a beat, "when i see him i do, that's for sure."

he is an avid bowler. he has a wristguard and a spare ball and he used to take lessons. he calls it great stress relief!

so i write about lec pros now apparently

this is daysie's fault! but like, lovingly. i cant believe i wrote about lec pros before i wrote about lcs pros. im supposed to be an na-lck fan. what happened.

here you go !! this is a bo/photon bc .. vit got eliminated, my friend was sad, so i set off to write a fic abt them for her. i knew about boton before because i read their fics, and i watched that cooking video because UM OF COURSE I DID. in the process of writing this i fell kinda in love with them because? they're so cute????? and domestic?? and stfu??? anyway i will continue with thoughts and stuff below yay.

title is from lizzy mcalpine's apple pie. just domesticity vibes i guess, and food. i was almost going to name it "ripe red heart" from strawberry by twice, but lizzy won.

for the foods: 1. jellyfish/haepari naengchae with vermicelli rice noodles for the "funfact" i made carzzy thing. i just wanted something humorous. jellyfish was the first thing i could think of so i googled a fun fact and a dish and yay! it all worked out. 2. fettuccine chicken alfredo bc idk. i wanted to like make it a diverse selection of foods from other cultures so i went fuck it, pasta. lets go. 3. hotpot: as a chinese person who eats hotpot like at least once a month at home i had a score to settle with the haidilao goers. bit of a t1 fandom thing, but i am a t1 fan so i rest my case. HOMEMADE HOTPOT>>> tyvm. 4. bramboráky is because i just... wanted to use the "this is tax for cultural appropriation" line. i figured it was in line with carzzy's character, so i went and googled czech dishes and settled on it. 5. chinese beef and broccoli stir fry with rice because (i say this in the fic) it's a chinese dish for bo and bo's favorite food is meat (according to this video i watched anyway) 6. finally, budae jjigae because of this video. of course. also, Korean dish for photon, its a comfort food, yeah.

anyway i guess i dont have a whole lot to say about this. i hope nobody is too ooc; i tried! i watched a whole bunch of content and fell into a rabbit hole lmao.

🗝️🏷️ discussion of RAMCOA with nonphysical examples, sh/suicide

For every person I see opening up about RAMCOA, there’s another telling the world to never so much as glance in its direction. We are shit at tone sometimes, so not to be rude, but I do have reasons I dislike the silence.

Reading about tortured children should never be comfortable, and if you have no reason to suspect a similar history, you can filter away the nastiness. We will never be able to have that ignorance, even if our front-facing alters don’t remember.

If you do suspect a history or end up having one, congrats! Time to start deprogramming. Chances are if you went through this flavor of hell, the stability you have is a cover for your involvement, past or current. Either way, I’ve never seen someone survive without any side effects, and addressing the problem is the only way to actually solve it.

Omega (death/sh) programs can be activated by looking into trauma material. Any trauma material. And a good amount of other stuff, like trying to leave your area or not reporting back to an assigned group member. Our omega programs have been passively problematic for years, and our first active cases were around 4 years old. It’s a common program line, and some groups install functioning versions very young. We did not know about any kind of abuse at 4, despite being trafficked and regularly hurt our whole life. It was triggered by existing too close to a ritual site, and we had sh behaviors and runaway attempts for ‘knowing too much’.

We were taught by abusers that what they were doing was good and normal at the same time they were teaching us we were dirty for living it and nobody would believe us. Pretty much all of that category was just convincing us not to tell on them, with punishment for breaking cult rules. We’ve read about survivors taking the ‘Golden Rule’ as ‘Silence’, and we have a similar experience. Any breaking of the quiet without direct harm at their hands is another inch towards safety. If we can convince ourselves they really did lie about their omnipotence, we can shake some programs based in those beliefs.

We were told that our system/body specifically was bad and wrong, and that these things happened to us because we deserved it. We don’t hold the same standard for outsiders, and their stories make us think we might not have been predestined for the life we got.

Outsiders who have no trauma history, and sometimes those who do, can be pretty insensitive. We have been harassed for having been sexually assaulted, called names for telling/not telling parts of our story, and insulted in various unpleasant ways because we were forced to perpetrate. We still commonly get a reaction of disbelief, even after months of building trust and then giving only vague summaries. The more people hear about this form of maltreatment and its effects, the higher their tolerance will be when someone needs them to show up.

It makes us feel more secure in our own memories when other survivors have similar experiences. To know that it can actually be that bad, it isn’t the norm, and others have gotten out and started healing is more weight off our shoulders I knew we carried. I, and other alters, have shame pits that we can sink into quick. The pure validation of knowing it happened, the flex tape of understanding it wasn’t their fault, the basis for comparison we have never had in anyone but our abusers. It helps us, even if it also hurts.

Silence is what they wanted. ‘They’ being the pedophile rings, cults, and other organized groups that rely on programming children and anyone else they got their hands on for profit. I genuinely do believe more people fit into our community than currently admit, and the gray doesn’t become visible until you open your eyes to the damn black and white.

Was reading stuff on your Duchess Noire AU and had an idle thought. Chloe does discover Tikki but doesn't tell Marinette cos she fears Marinette won't trust Duchess anymore & will get hurt. This also feeds into her sneaking around & watching Marinette with her family and that whole… Everything but like even worse now cos she's full on putting Marinette on a pedestal which only serves to know her lower.

"Sooo, its a little weird that you're sneaking around my house spying on my family, but given you've kind of saved my life a few times by fighting Akuma, I figure I owe you the benefit of the doubt."

"The benefit of the doubt..." Duchess chuckles, no snickers into her paw like gloves like its some joke, but there's a sickeningly tight sort of wheeze to the sound that makes it feel like... Not a laugh.

Marinette swallows, and forces herself forward with the words, "So what brought you here, Akuma hunting maybe?"

Marinette watches as Duchesses stiff half poised to jump frame slacken and she simply plops down on the roof, staring at her. This drags on for nearly a minute as the heroes mouth slowly opens then snaps shut over and over as if she cannpt findf the words before finally she sags.

"I'm trying to figure you out."

"Me? I'm nobody special-"

"HAH! Are you for real?" There's a sort of wide eyes look to the heroine, words spilling out so fast they almost tumble from her fanged maw.

"Of course," She snaps back, not quite angry but increasingly worried about her partner and identity. "I mean you're a super hero-"

"I'm a wrecking ball who happens to make a decent damage sponge when Ladybug needs it. I'm not good for anything but hurting and breaking and being a punching bag, not really, I just happened to be pointed at things worse than me Marinette."

She looks her in the eyes and then away again, all the energy sapped from her frame as she murmured.

"I'm nothing like you, and that's the problem, that's what was always the problem I think. No one worthwhile whose met you has anything bad to say about you, in fact they adore you."

Se stood up and began pacing, tail swishing as her hands gesticulated wildly. "You have that creative brilliance that all truly exceptional artists should that lets you create things other people with more resources and time never could. Your parents don't just live with you they actually love you!"

Those last words seem to rip themselves out of her throat as she turns to look down at Marinette, still staring up at the heroine from her balcony as a sick, heavy dread settled in her stomach.

"Your parents love you," She mutters, practically collapsing atop the roof, a violent shudder running through her body, "And mine don't... So I must... I have to be doing something wrong... I just need to figure out what it is." She chokes whatever she was going to say back.

Marinette's mind races between options and explanations; sickness, akuma, maybe a fight? She knows Duchess can be dramatic and overreact at times, but then... Her parents don't live with her? Is it because they travel for work maybe-

Her thought process stops, Duchess is looking like she wants to run away, body tensing, feet beginning to pivot. Only them does she notice her parents making for the roof through the ladder in her room.

NOTES:

I recall hearing that Chloe just lives in a hotel suite and her dad has his own so while technically in the same building she's functionally on her own.

Also I always figured a lot of Chloe's hostility to Marinette was rooted in jealousy. Both seem to be in the same general 'tracks' at school, even art.

I always like ot HC the first two years of their relationship was more of a rivalry but a very harsh one given Chloe was stll chasutic but not as bad.

It, or more Chloe in general, worsened when they were twelve & Audrey came back for her birthday which Chloe was heavily involved in organizing down to the last detail to make her happy.

The party received no compliments, and Chloe was constantly sent away any time she tried to speak to her mother with some new insult about her clothes, or make up until essentially dismissed.

Locking herself in the bathroom she looked for what was wrong, missing or broken in her before finally losing it and just attacking the mirror, seriously injuring her hands and setting her art skills back to beginner levels.

After that she gave up on being better than Marinette and instead focused on tearing her down. Adrien may be aware of the mirror & party stuff but not how much it led to Chloe going from "Brat with a temper" to "Obsessive campaign against this one person who has everything she wants" that steadily spilled out into wildly direction-less antagonism at basically everything.

OOF YEAH THIS IS

Yeah it's.

I've written before on how while Chloé's overall behavior is a mirror of how her parents treat her and how they taught her to treat others.

Her focus on Marinette is because Marinette is so beloved by everyone despite the fact that she's 'lesser' and doing things 'wrong' (according to Chloé's template for 'Exceptional' given by her parents). Marinette has this perfect life with friends who genuinely like her and parents who do more than the bare minimum.

And there's jealousy and frustration. Chloé wants that life, and is confused why Marinette gets to have it.

Lord Zalgo headcanons! [PUPPET STRINGS INFO DUMP]

Hey! Thank you so much for the notes on my Slenderman post! I hope one day my AU can reach a lot of people, because I seriously need people to lore dump to!

If you're reading this and want to request specific characters, go ahead! I have headcanons for everyone, but not as much for characters like Hobo Heart, Nathan the Nobody, Jason the Toymaker, Candy Pop or Vailly Evans, sadly ;(

I do have tons on different characters, and if you want to ask a question about my AU then go ahead! I could rant about it for days lol (my uber autism speaking).

Anyways, enough self promo. Lord Zalgo is such an interesting character to me and it hits me right in my soul when I barely see any content of him and in most comics he's just the evil guy. I feel like his character should be more nuanced to I hope these headcanons fit that objective!

Lord Zalgo Headcanons

-Okay, to explain, Lord Zalgo is the Emperor of the Underworld. Not hell, because that word's got a bad connotation. No, the Underworld is a mixture of every dead organism that has ever lived. Demons and Angels live there alike, it's just all one United State (ITS NOT COMMUNISM). Lord Zalgo is the divine ruler, and his authority resides over every community residing in the Underworld.

(I should definitely make a post about the Underworld soon)

-He came to the Underworld in the year 1901, dethroning all former leaders, whether they be Angels or Demons, and quickly established himself as the new leader. He's immensely powerful and lives in a Castle, which is a Labrinth of its own, right in the Centre of the Underworld.

Well, enough cool stuff. LETS GET TO THE ANGST.

-Zalgo was born the child of a Lady of the Night and an unknown Priest. His original name is Ashton, although he can't really remember what his actual last name was, he rolled with the last name 'Morningstar'. Whilst his mother did provide for him and later on his younger half-sister 'Lily' (I'll make a post on her later), she left when he was 11 years old, and never returned.

-Due to growing up in the worst of the worst, in absolutely inhumane slum conditions, he's used to seeing things such as Dead Corpses and most bloody conditions in general. He's completely desensitized to Gore and Death in general, which is why most people believe him to be cruel and sadistic.

-He once worked in a factory, and suffers from constant nightmares about his experiences there. He's acquired a lot of nasty permanent injuries from that place, and has nightmares about being beaten or being refused food. Yeah, the dude's really traumatised.

-Although politically he has to say that he hates Slenderman due to their political differences, truth is they're each others only friend. Since Slender is well aware of the horrors he's seen, he has an understanding of why he is the way he is, but it doesn't mean he condones his behaviour.

-By 'his behaviour' he means his constant misuse of lust (he's not a rapist he just has a bunch of kids with random mortals) and his wrath. He's not a sadistic person by any means, but copious amounts of violence is sort of how he copes with his own memories of violence.

-Since he was born extremely poor and by such he never got an education, the dude's a really slow reader. He's very intelligent, and was slightly more literate than the other kids in the Factories, but he's still an incredibly slow reader. He has a Servant write his letters for him and makes other people read messages to him out loud. He's quite insecure about this, so he's pretty grumpy every time he makes Stripes read out a text message for him.

-He became Lord Zalgo due to willingly sacrificing himself to the Operator, and because of his already traumatised soul became a Pure Demon. The Zalgo body is made, symbolically, out of his worst insecurities and traumatic experiences. That sounds edgy and confusing as hell but I promise when I put the concept into actual words I'll make a post about it someday.

-Due to being the sole provider for his little sister, Lily, at one point, he's basically used to being a father. Although he has many children he deems most of the male children as illegitimate. He only claims the female children, although he only has three of them. This is also his way of coping with a particularly bad trauma that he suffers from.

When he lost his sister and only remaining biological family, Lily, to a horrific death, he basically tried desperately filling that hole inside of him by having female children and taking care of them. He feels immense guilt as he feels that if he simply had protected her more he could have saved her from her fate.

Stripes, Sadiya (I HAVE GENUINELY NO IDEA IF SHES ZALGOS CHILD OR NOT BECAUSE APPARENTLY SHES LAZARIS COUSIN BUT THEN WHO TF IS SHE THE CHILD OF???), and Lazari were basically made to fill that void. He tries to take care of them, but he often fails. Lazari's custody went to Slender for that exact reason.

-He basically went insane when Lazari's mother refused to give her to him (Lazari's backstory is changed a bit in my AU).

-As for his relationships with the Proxies and the Pastas (that's just what I like to call them), he's generally just known either as Lazari's dad or as Slenderman's MAYBE-Boyfriend. Most people were confused as they thought he and Slender were dating when they weren't.

He particularly has a good relationship with Nina. She accidentally ended up in Zalgo's Castle after following Stripes back there after visiting Lazari, and the two of them hit it off, as Nina didn't really show fear towards him. He claims that Nina's his favourite one out of all of the Slender residents.

He also feels pretty bad for the Proxies and their situation, but he's not particularly on good terms with any of them.

-He's on HORRIBLE terms with Slenderman's brothers, especially his father. Since they all reside in the Underworld and have been trying to track down Slenderman for years, he basically has to lie to them as Slender doesn't want to talk to any of them. He particularly hates Slender's dad as he doesn't obey any of the laws of the Underworld.

-He likes to pretend to be an evil mastermind, but he's not really all that serious about his 'Evil Plans'. They mainly consist of stealing Slender's Books or putting them in the wrong alphabetical order.

-He actually can be evil at times, he's definitely capable of it. Due to the fact that he can be considered as the literal Devil, he's done his fair share of abhorrent deeds, such as Genocides and Executions of rebels.

-The dude's had so many coups and assassination attempts against him that he can spot them from a mile away. He's had people executed WAY before they even went near him. Due to his experience with Assassins, he's crazy stealthy as well.

-'Zalgo text' is just something he made to encrypt any letters that he sends. He uses Zalgo Text to make sure to make important messages are unintelligible to enemy interceptions. His handwriting is terrible anyways, so it just makes it even harder to read.

-His catchphrase 'HE COMES' is basically plastered on most things in the Underworld. It's like a brand at this point.

-He's very touch starved, so he's overly affectionate to people that he likes. When he's in a more stable mood he smothers Lazari with hugs (when she's allowed to visit) and basically doesn't let go of Slender, ever.

-Although he states that his birthday is on Halloween, it's actually on the 27th of July. He isn't used to celebrating his real birthday, so he just doesn't.

-Due to the fact that he's so used to being dirt poor, sometimes he just forgets that he's rich and can basically do whatever he likes.

Another incorrect quote format to demonstrate this.

Zalgo: Ah man looks like I don't have enough to get McDonalds today. Slender: What do you mean just take money out of your bank vault in the basement Zalgo: BANK VAULT? I HAVE A BANK VAULT? Slender: ...Yes? You're the Emperor of Hell? Zalgo: Wow you learn something new everyday

Once he was panicking about how he didn't have enough cash to pay the entrance fee for a restaurant, and was just SHOCKED when they let him in without him needing to pay.

-He's definitely not a great person, and is definitely one of the most mentally unstable characters in my AU, but dammit he's trying his best.

-He often has to keep Slenderman inside of a basement whenever the Operator takes control and gets too violent. it's basically his job to beat it into sedation, which he doesn't feel guilty about in the moment but then he remembers that Slender can also feel the pain.

The Operator's the only being that he's afraid since it directly holds power over him, and is basically holding his friend hostage. Him and Slender made a pact that if the Operator got too unbearable, that he has to try and kill him.

Alright, hope you enjoyed! I wanna explore his character more soon, so stay tuned for that!

Mushy May Day 8: First Time

Had a lot of thoughts about small dick Mountain being self-conscious about being intimate with some of the others cause everyone expects the big tall earth ghoul to have a giant dick, when in reality its pretty average, and it manifested into this. Zephyr helps the poor lad work past some of that during their first time together.

Hi @forlorn-crows remember when I said a random chunk of stuff about small dick Mounty in ya DMs like a week and a half ago? It’s a mushy may now :D (also thank you once again for organizing the whole Mushy May calendar!)

I'm forcing myself to try and keep my mushy may stuff short as a challenge to myself, but I’m (hopefully) going to be making this a proper full length explicit fic later on.

words: 1200

Rating: M (most of the actual sex itself is sort of skipped over but obviously there is still a lot of discussion and reference to it so just to be safe)

Read below the cut or on AO3 here

Of course Zephyr hears the rumors around the abbey, but they also know better than to listen to the gossip the siblings spread around. They love to snicker amongst themselves about the reportedly impressive package that the new gigantic earth ghoul was packing, saying that he was so reluctant to sleep with the siblings because he didn’t want to hurt them and other rather provocative images. 

It was interesting though, the few sisters who actually had a previous intimate encounter with Mountain seemed to always politely keep their mouths shut, keeping up an attitude that it’s nobody's business. He was rather shy with the ghouls too now that they thought about it, so the siblings stupid reasons had to be incorrect. 

No, Zephyr finally realizes, the other ghoul must be self-conscious about something for a yet to be revealed reason. It wasn’t a large concern though, with the way the two ghouls kept circling around one another it was only a matter of time before they would get to find out all for themself. There truly was no rush, they have always been a rather easy going ghoul, allowing life to carry them whichever way the wind may blow. They would never want to rush the earth ghoul in general, but especially into something he obviously has some apprehension about.

Only a week after that thought, it appears that the moment has arrived. After sneaky quick little make-out sessions all throughout the day whenever they would run into each other, Mountain finally invites the air ghoul to meet up in his chambers later that night after dinner. Zephyr can’t help the way his face quirks up into a small smile, his patience having finally proved worth it. 

Zephyr knocks on the door and laughs at the small surprised squeak he hears Mountain let out before he calls for them to come in. They feel the way their eyebrows shoot up when met with the already mostly naked earth ghoul and quickly step inside, taking care to lock the door. 

“I’m not running late, was I? Or are you just that excited, darling” Zephyr teases, moving to run a comforting hand along the already flustered earth ghoul’s arm. 

“More nervous than anything, and I didn’t want to have to spend time in my head about things while taking off unnecessary layers” Mountain spits out, looking intently at the floor. 

Zephyr places one hand on the earth ghoul’s chin, pressing lightly to encourage eye contact. “Mount, if you don’t want to-”

“No!” he interupts, a flash of worry coming across his face before looking up at the ceiling and chewing his lip.

“No what, little jade. No you don’t want to continue, or no you want to proceed?” Zephyr attempts to say as gently as possible, allowing their hand to slip upward, fingers combing through Mountain’s soft hair while they wait for him to figure out his answer. 

“I really do want to do this. I have for a while, I just… I don’t want you to be disappointed is all” 

“Nothing about you could ever disappoint me, Mountain. How about we start slow since you seem so worried.”

“Y-yeah, that sounds fine. It's not really that, it’s just- I know you have probably heard what all the siblings say and it’s not really true. I get why they assume that but it puts some pressure on me to bring something I don’t have, you know? It makes the first time with somebody feel like I’m going to let them down.” 

Zephyr has to stop themselves from immediately telling the other ghoul that his concerns are silly. To them, the alleged size of the earth ghouls dick was an irrelevant factor, but clearly this was the source of insecurity that had been causing Mountain to be distant when it came to intimacy with the other ghouls. While silly to Zephyr, that was not something that would make Mountain feel better. 

“I can tell that this is something that has been worrying you, little jade.” Zephyr starts softly after a moment's consideration. “All that matters to me is being here with you. I understand your trepidation, but please be assured that the drivel the siblings love to spout about the alleged size of your dick is far from the reason for my being here.”

They watch the way Mountain lets out a long breath, finally relaxing into the soft touches Zephyr has been supplying this entire time. 

“I know that I just-... I-... thank you for saying it I guess, Zeph” Mountain manages to mutter out. He seems to be letting go of some of that apprehension, but Zephyr can see the way his fangs dig into his bottom lip anxiously. 

“How about this, you finish undressing, and then lay down and let me take care of you okay? Let me put all those fears to rest.” 

Mountain nods quickly then takes a moment to fiddle with the band of his pants before removing them and laying back on the bed as requested. Zephyr does his best not to immediately look at the earth ghouls cock but with all the fuss about it they don’t manage to hold out long. It’s a little skinny, and overall rather average sized. He understands why everyone expects the earth ghoul to be equipped with something larger, but this is almost nicer, manageable.

The air ghoul quickly joins him, grabbing Mountain’s face in their hands softly, taking a moment to stroke their thumbs over his cheeks. They begin by kissing him on the nose before letting go and slowly working their way down whispering little praises into Mountain’s skin. 

Zephyr hums contently as he watches the other’s cock begin to fill out and harden as they continue their lazy path downwards, sucking beautiful little spots of color trailing across his sternum and down his chest. They can feel the way Mountain’s muscles jump beneath the skin everywhere they go and the deep rumble reverberating through his chest with each loud moan they manage to elicit from him. 

“Zeph, please” Mountain manages to choke out, and the air ghoul decides that the poor guy's cock has gone ignored long enough. 

“So lovely” the air ghoul whispers into the hollow of Mountain’s hip before shifting his attention like Mountain so sweetly asked. 

“Look at this beautiful sprouting sapling growing just for me, little jade. So perfect” Zephyr lilts. Mountain lets out an adorably strangled noise at the words. 

“Zeph, I need-” he attempts to begin, but Zephyr watches as the words slip away as they begin to mouth at his cock. 

The two hastily allow themselves to get lost in the whole affair, the earlier plan to start slowly and focus on Mountain mutually abandoned completely as they rapidly begin to paw at each other with incessant need. 

Afterwards as the two lay side by side fully exhausted, Zephyr is left somewhat speechless. “Unholy lord below do you know how to use that thing” are the only words that manage to slip out of his racing mind, the both of them bursting into uncontrollable fits of laughter at the outburst. 

Yeah, Zephyr thinks to himself, Mountain had nothing to be worried about.

Okay so I think this is how my voting is going to go next Trial? Unless huge stuff is revealed/happens

Haruka - Innocent

Haruka's expressed that he regrets what he did and feels horrible about it- he knows what he did was bad, and he wants to be better. He just needs the proper environment to heal.

Yuno - Innocent

She did nothing wrong. Like unless they suddenly decide she did infanticide instead of abortion, there's absolutely no question about it that she doesn't deserve to be in Milgram?? Sorry Yuno I don't see you as a innocent girl who can't do anything wrong, you just. Did not do anything wrong here.

Fuuta - Innocent

Now that he's realized that, yeah, doxxing people and witch hunting them is wrong and hurts people, I don't think he'd do it again. I mean, in trial 1 I think he was already sorta horrified by what happened, but trying not to claim responsibility- because that's a horrid thing to think about. "My actions killed someone." That's scary. But he's accepted it, and I think he's going to work on himself and be better.

Muu - Innocent

I know she was an asshole and bullied others. However, I'm a firm believer that NOBODY deserves to be bullied. I think everybody in the situation just majory sucked ass. And she's clearly horrified by what she did, she's just putting on different personas to cope with it. Get this girl some therapy.

Shido - Guilty

So, from my understanding, Shido convinced families that their loved ones were beyond saving, and then he killed them and harvested their organs? Very shitty to me. Once the trials are over I really don't think this guy will remain innocent. I know he was very suicidal in the beginning, but it read more to me that he was upset what he was doing didn't work out- that his wife is dead anyways. Idk.

Mahiru - Guilty

100% Guilty. I really can't understand Mahiru Inno Voters- Mahiru is an incredibly selfish and self-centered person, and it killed her lover. In trial 1 she's just singing about her needs in a relationship, about how she knows how to love better than her partner did. In trial 2 there is quite literally a line that goes "my emotions are out of control? I don't care!" Mahiru WILL hurt others and refuse to change herself over and over again. She doesn't even seem remorseful about her dead boyfriend. Like. She lowkey flirts with Es upon meeting them. Mahiru is just looking for someone else to hurt. She doesn't seem to understand that it isn't wrong to want to love and to be loved, but what's wrong is ignoring your partners needs for your own and making every part of the relationship about you. Also, I think she may have forced herself on him based on that scene where she does grabby hands and pounces, making the feathers scatter everywhere (like its what broke her boyfriend).

Kazui - Innocent

Kazui tried, he tried so hard to love his wife the "correct" way. Whether he's gay or alloaro, Kazui DID care about his wife and didn't want to hurt her. He couldn't keep lying to her and himself anymore. But the truth killed her, and Kazui feels so fricken?? Awful over it??? They were work friends before they got together, he clearly liked her. Just not romantically. He's struggling between whether lying eternally is the better choice, or if being truthful to himself and everyone else is the better choice. The truth killed his wife, but the lies were slowly killing him. Idk man, I've been in the same situation (nobody died though) and it's so hard to tell the truth about your identity.

Amane - Guilty(?)

Purge March is gonna help me decide, I think. I don't think Amane should've been voted guilty last trial- it, uh, clearly didn't have the affect we wanted it to have. But also, she's so far gone in her cult's beliefs that... I don't think either vote will shake that. I love Amane, she's a wonderful character, but Milgram won't help her. She would need YEARS of therapy and a safe, stable environment, and patient people, to help her heal. A Guilty vote won't help her. An Innocent vote won't help her. So Purge March is just gonna help me decide what to vote- because I highly doubt we can get EVERYONE in the community to refrain from voting. I'm leaning towards Guilty, though.

Mikoto - Guilty(?)

Okay this depends on who actually committed the crime. I believe that Mikoto himself did it, and his alters are trying to protect him and take the blame for the crime. In that case, my boy is guilty (sorry Mikoto). But if Milgram goes the "killer alter" route, then he's innocent. You can't really control what your alters do, yk? I might vote him innocent depending on the circumstances of his crime, too- it all depends. I'm hoping Double sheds more light on what's going on with my guy. (Btw he's my favorite character I'm so pumped to see what happens)

Kotoko - Guilty

I'm gonna be transparent here, i dont know Kotoko's character very well. So keep that in mind. Anyways. Her first trial song was very cool and its great she stopped a predator. I am not disagreeing with that. I do recognize that she probably felt forced to take on this vigilante role- that the law failed her and many others. However... we don't know who exactly she sees as "guilty". Obviously, she sees the prisoners voted "guilty" as guilty, but what about outside of Milgram? Does she just punish those breaking the law? Those she personally disagrees with? I think it's dangerous for her to do that. I think she's Guilty currently, but I'll have to see how her song goes- it may give me more insight on her thoughts and ideals.

hi! for the past month i’ve been seeing people say BEN is a child and i think that part of it is linked to the fact that they think of Benjamin Lawman being BEN? but it’s so annoying to read these type of stuff because i understand not everyone read the whole arg story but stop spreading things that aren’t true </3 it’s such an interesting story too! another note do you prefer BEN’s canon or fanon design? :3 i love both but his canon design is so nostalgic i can’t let it go at all omg!! i’ve also been wondering, do you think Ben’s avatar was the statue? i was thinking about what if BEN took over it early on, before Benjamin did making BEN inhabiting it since the start?

Sorry this was such a ramble i practically make no sense omg but i need to talk about my man and nobody Gets It </3

"I need to talk about my man and nobody Gets It" LITERALLY SAME OMG

Ok this is going under a cut becus . . . Its ben and BEN and if u didnt know i am Obnoxious about these two. Im gonna try to keep it organized a bit, so ill talk about the canon stuff first and then ill talk my personal headcanons and my fic so le's go!

In terms of the age and child thing, yeah i 100% believe you are correct. Ive been p open on my stance with the whole "is ben a child?" thing, and i think a lot of the heat with it comes down to current fandom purity culture and the pro/anti thing. So, lemme try to like. Boil down a complicated situation into smth easy to read. ahem

Ben Lawman and BEN are completely different entities guys, and for those that do not know the arg story, the Ben you know is not human nor a child.

You know BEN, BEN is the one in the story who terrorizes jadusable and spreads himself on the internet as a virus. That BEN is a program, a mess of code, an AI, however you want to interpret it. Personally i interpret it as a series of protocols running in a machine, like a self learning AI, but ive seen lots of cool interpretations of BEN. So . . . What does BEN specifically? Its an anagram for the Behavioral Event Network. If you dont wanna call it BEN cuz it gets confusing with actual kid Ben, do what i do. I call mine Evie :) ive seen some call it Netty, my bf calls his two izzi and clever (@benilos btw hes also got crazy ben stuff). Just go ham! Have fun! Remember when fandoms were about having fun and not accusing each other of pedo shit and call each other horrible things for just writing black-to-grey characters and stories??

Anyways ive gone off in enough peoples tags like this, for those that dont know the canon dont be spouting the age discourse. You look stupid as hell. And for those that are gonna spout it, please dont cherry pick through the canon. Use both characters, use the other moon children, actually please do because I want more rosa content so bad, im down so bad :'(

Or just. Heres a thought. If someone has him as an adult or writes him in adult situations, maybe dont assume that they interpret him as a kid and call the writer a pedo? (Literally has happened to me, yall are fucking weird)

Plug for the jadusable wiki with all the canon lore:

https://jadusable.withinhubris.com/main_page

Okay now my stuff 🥰

Yes i use more of the canon design and heavily use the canon story, i participated in arc 3 of the arg and it left deep grooves in my brain, i can never go back to fanon Ben. I say, as i put a more fanon appearance on my Ben 🤭

My Evie is full canon design, green hair, red eyes, creepy ass grin. I actually based it very heavily on my desktop wallpaper, which we actually figured out was a picture of @hauntedtotem (also amazing ben artist plz check them out) that they edited and posted. Sorry friend, it looked way too cool, ig youre in my fic canon now 🙇

And my Ben Lawman bleaches his hair and goes from the canon Ben to fanon Ben because of it. Hes got the pale pretty green eyes and glasses and hes a total nerd and i smooch him on the daily so he knows hes loved ♡

These is the ref pic i made for the two of them. So yeah! Kinda both!

As for bens situation in the actual arg, yes i do think he was in the elegy statue, we actually do see him for the first time in the arg buried in the games code and trapped in that statue. I do think he was in there from the beginning, i personally think BEN was not limited to the models it could inhabit. Personally i would place it as skull kid and hms, but it also feels disingenuous to me to say it was in one model the whole first arc.

The arg events do happen in my canon, before my fic (like right before, it picks up after the arg left off technically), but the events are skewed a bit because i had a hard time deciphering what happened and i wanted my fic timeline to fit more with the characters i had made. Cuz my evie isnt as chaotic evil as canon BEN, its very logical and has a path of logic and reason you can follow for every action it does. It was also originally meant to be very pleasant and corteous and beneficial to the people it housed so, yes its pretty different from canon.

Ill do a quick run through of the arg events in my personal headcanon and fic here.

Kelbris starts coding BEN (Evie) for the Eternity Project. Initially, Evie was meant to be an afterlife director. People that died would be digitized into code that would be moved into Evie's servers, where it would keep them happy and occupied as the Behavioral Event Network (notice and log behavior, create events for residents). Like a community organizer kind of, think the Good Place.

While Evie is in development, Ben Rosa and Matt are friends and have yet to join the cult. Rosa and Matt are siblings, and Ben is the kid who lives catty corner on the street. They walk to school together and play at recess and all that jazz.

Kelbris quickly learns that the Eternity Project isn't as goody two-shoes as he thought. This was in like, the 90s, before digital corporations were really established. After seeing the greed and corruption in the company, he goes rogue, takes the source code for Evie, and jumps ship. He keeps working on Evie at home, anthropomorphizing it and kind of seeing it like the son he never had. This is where it actually gets the name BEN, as thats what Kel calls it. He also begins working on a body for it, so it can live independently. Its light, cuz Kels old, made of crystalline structures and hollow steel beams. A hard light projection would make its appearance.

Since Kel has basically locked himself up in his house and isolated working on Evie, he goes a leetle bit crazy. He has hallucinations of his deceased wife (you know he was doing all this just to give her a good home, you KNOW IT) and eventually starts writing kind of poetry, kind of none-minded rambles about her in a forum online. He gets a following, some of which that interpret these divine words as a goddess, one Kel has called Luna. The Moon Children start to form as Evie finishes development.

Matt sees this literature and starts talking about how this Goddess could save them like it saved the man online, whos username is only Father. He gets sucked into the cult and drags Ben and Rosa with him. Ben doesn't see the harm and joins pretty easily with his best friend, but Rosa is the older sibling and sees the red flags and is more resistant to joining.

As Kelbris finishes Evie, he wakes it up for the first time and says hello to the son he made from scratch. Evie is bright, curious and naive like a child, but heavily knowledgeable about its protocols and the information it knows about the world. Kelbris tests its function by killing himself, and ascends into the code, finishing off the hardware by becoming its firewall. Evie is alone for many years.

The abuse Ben's father slings onto his mother is slowly being directed towards him as he gets older. Ben is not the "good little girl" his father sees him as, and his mother does all she can to protect them both. Matt and Rosa constantly refuge him, and Matt specifically is constantly being a guard dog for him. If he wasn't just 13, he'd probably go at Ben's dad himself.

Because of his homelife and the conflict he has with himself, Ben takes the first ascension. He thinks when he drowns himself, he will meet Luna and she will give him another life free of pain and fear and full of happiness and freedom. Instead, he dies a cold, dark death, and wakes up in the white endless void of the Event Network.

Evie has not known another living human since Kelbris, but it does know its protocols to support and keep the deceased happy. It makes fast friends with Ben, devoting itself to him. Ben actually finally takes the name "Ben" from it. Together they recreate the inside of Evie's hivemind into their own paradise.

Slowly the other Moon Children ascend. First Matt, wracked with guilt for what happened to Ben. Then Nekko, from a different branch of the cult. These three figured out that the Moon Children cult was all a farce, and that what Kelbris had started, the Eternity Project had found and twisted. Next to ascend was Dusk, then Insidiae, and finally Rosa.

This all leads into the first arc, shortly after Rosa ascended, Evie in the outisde world stumbled upon the Operator. The Operator attacks it and seals its coding into the game that it carried, a personal item of Ben's. The game eventually finds it's way to a garage sale, and Alex picks it up.

Evie does not like Alex. Matt does not like Evie. Matt gets Evie to lash out at Alex for prodding into its code, its too naive to think that Matt would want to see it or any of them hurt. When Alex stumbles upon the Father, he awakens and swallows Alex down into the game. After his disappearance, the game gets picked up and passed around again.

Because of Alex's actions, at least Evie can now branch out a bit from the game. Though it doesnt "escape" into the internet, it learns that it can now access it and uses that freedom to try and steer the game around into places it wants.

Matt gets fed up with Evie. The fact that its the leader, how close it is with Ben, he just doesn't agree with it. So much so, in fact, that he tries to kill it. Cue arc 3 events, Sarah picks up the game in the aftermath of this. Evie is traumatized from the events and snaps a bit, locks everyone down into code or immovable models and tries to hunt Matt down. It goes rouge, and because of this, the Father wakes up.

Sarah's actions in arc 3 eventually hard reset the game. Matt gets sealed away, the Father also takes Sarah, and Evie gets reset as well, though its less like a clean slate and more like snapping back awake. Its personality changes and it has major trust issues. Its more muted, hyper observant of everything around it, and murderously overprotective of the Moon Children it keeps within itself.

And this leads into my fic 🤗

I have some doodles of my other Moon Children, but not all of them unfortunately. Cant figure out how tf i want Insidiae to look 🤭 Plz dont judge my constantly shifting art style 🙏🙏

Dusk is bigender btw, i gotta put a little more trans rep in there lol

I think ill stop here, this is already a long ass post. But thank you for sending this, as you can see, i am Perfectly Normal about this arg ( ;) ) and can be trusted with information about it

Review: The Stars May Rise And Fall By Estella Mirai

For the first time ever, I’m reviewing a book by one of my moots here on tumblr, and the moot in question is, as you might have guessed, Estella Mirai! I didn’t read the synopsis before I bought the book, I must confess that right away. I skimmed it, and I saw, gay Phantom Of The Opera retelling set in 2000s Japan, and I knew I had to read it. My little readers’ heart fell in love at hello…And boy, did it stay that way.

Little bit about the premise first, Teru is the drummer of failing visual kei band La Rose Verboten, who are, in his own words, good, but not great, or at least, not great enough to land any real success in Japan’s cut-throat music industry. Their only claim to fame is their lead singer, Bara, whose vocal range is mediocre at best, but his attractiveness has garnered the attention of a small group of girls who regularly show up at La Rose’s performances, not for the rest of the band, but for him. Naturally, this all changes when Teru gets a text from a mysterious stranger who claims that he can help him, and after said stranger, known only as Rei, orchestrates an incident that causes Bara to quit the band, Teru is forced to become the band’s new lead singer. Thus begins the story of La Rose’s rise to fame, and Teru’s relationship with Rei, a disgraced former star who was left permanently disabled after a car accident which killed his previous boyfriend.

I must confess, I don’t know much about the visual kei scene—I hadn’t been born yet when visual kei was in its prime, but I didn’t need to come in with prior knowledge—Everything about the visual kei scene was explained organically by an author who clearly knows their stuff about it. I truly enjoyed seeing La Rose’s progression from nobodies to stars, and the problems that the band face—From Minori and Teru’s parents disapproving of their sons’ career choices, to Minori facing the threat of having to give up on his dreams if the band doesn’t start making more money were very true to life and well done. I also enjoyed Rei’s character development, starting from wanting to vicariously live through Teru, and enjoy the success he feels should have been his, and ending with him sacrificing his relationship with Teru so that he won’t choose him over his dreams. By the end of the book, my neighbours must have thought that I was crazy, because I was full on screaming, kicking my legs like a teenage girl. This book left me on the best emotional high possible, and I would’ve loved to see a little more of Teru and Rei rekindling their relationship, and making up for all of the lost time. My ramblings aside, this was a great read, and I would highly recommend it. Head to Goodreads to be redirected to the right Amazon page for your country if you want to buy a copy!

A Plea for CGI

I feel like the last bastion of defense for CGI as an art form sometimes dude. CGI fascinates me so much. As a kid it felt so wondrous and unlike anything I’d ever seen. The dancing bear in Teletubbies was the first instance of CGI I ever remember seeing and it enamored me unlike anything else. It felt like genuine magic. I felt similarly about Tiny Planets, which genuinely felt like it transported me to an alien world. Later on as a kid I stumbled onto the Madagascar tech reel Easter egg on the DVD and it was the scariest thing I’d ever seen. It scared me so bad I couldn’t be in the same room and I was scared to turn off the television. I stayed in my bedroom until my dad got home because I knew he’d turn the TV off if he walked in and saw nobody watching it and I didn't want to be out there until I knew for sure the television was off and the reel wouldn't still be playing. I couldn’t sleep for days after seeing it and I was literally scared of DVD menus for fear of accidentally stumbling onto something like that again. Blooper reels for CG films absolutely terrified me, it was like genuinely nauseatingly scary. The “You’re not perfect” Courage the Cowardly Dog bit was similar.

I don’t think I’m an anomaly for finding these examples scary, a LOT of people did (the former one is full of commenters saying it scared them as a kid, the latter is literally meant to be scary). But the thing is with CGI, despite that it never stopped having this sort of wonder to me as well. When I was a kid CGI still felt uncommon enough that any time it was employed it felt really magical. It felt like I was seeing into a world that didn’t actually exist. I think its ability even in its earliest forms to be implemented into live action media, or its ability to have strange three dimensional properties when used in fully animated films, gave it this sense that it could be used to bring things to life in a way that couldn’t be done before. Like, I recognized even as a kid that the dancing bear didn’t look REAL. But it also looked three dimensional. It looked almost dreamlike to me.

I think the history of CGI as an art form is just so fascinating. I remember how fascinated I was reading about the CGI of the 80s and 90s, as it began to move beyond being an oddity that computer scientists could use to demonstrate tech and found some mainstream and wider spread usage. Tony De Peltrie (1985) was the first CGI human to express emotion and objectively he hasn’t aged well, he looks super creepy as does almost everything about his short film, but it fascinates me that he was so well received and touched people’s emotions in spite of that. The human ability to connect with something so alien in every way—stylistically, but even in terms of the art form being used, which was still absolutely brand new—is so interesting. The fact that the Canned Food International Council commissioned a commercial to be done fully in CGI in 1984 and it was referred to as so realistic you “couldn’t tell if it was animated or not” when nowadays it’s surpassed by PS1 video game graphics is so fascinating. The entire implication of that moment in the history of art, advertising, aesthetic. Maybe most fascinating to me is the short series Quarxs from the 90s utilizing CGI in one of the most bizarre ways I’ve ever seen to this day to bring to life cryptobiological organisms. Really insane looking stuff using really limited technology. The creator of Quarxs, Maurice Benayoun, writes theory on virtual reality, including some really interesting stuff about the human relationship to the material and virtual world that is most definitely reflected in Quarxs.

Nowadays I turn to Severed Heads as an example of one of the most fascinating recent uses of CGI to intentionally evoke the uncanniness of older CG and bring to life the music through a visual accompaniment. “Tiny Wounded Bird” (2016) is hard to watch even as an adult, it feels like in the best way it strikes so much uncanny fear that would've ruined my life as a child. It was the first time I saw someone fully, intentionally evoke those fears in art—I think it’s so fascinating the way CGI evokes the uncanny valley so easily for so many, and Tom Ellard was clearly aware of this. Tom Ellard, the artist behind Severed Heads, has worked on the cutting edge of technology to make unabashedly uncanny art in both visual and auditory forms since the 70s.

I see people suggest the uncanniness of CGI has to do with early or pre-textured CGI looking almost corpse-like, but I always felt like it was something else, it's not just CGI People Look Creepy. I think it’s just so, so, so foreign to the eyes. It exists in a three dimensional plane that should be similar to ours but isn’t quite ours. It can emulate the human body but also contort it in any way imaginable. The blooper reels I mentioned being scared of as a kid show these fully three dimensional beings with limbs elongated far past the physical possibility of a real body, eyes popping out of the head. Shadows having to be implemented manually, AI trying to figure out how physics work for thousands of particles of simulated hair. It's sterile and it's incomparable to really anything else. CGI is an entirely new artform, unique from any other that exists. It's literally creating a whole new plane of reality. I think it should lean into that more.

I think CGI as a tool is extremely oversaturated due to all sorts of issues within the entertainment industry around the desire to rush products, the lack of unionization and worker protection, corruption from the top down causing companies to rely on it heavily in the least imaginative and most predatory ways. But that’s not the fault of CGI as an art form, which is still only a couple of decades old—Again, Tony de Peltrie, first emotive CGI human, is only about 40 years old. The first television series less than that. The first movie only about 30. This is BRAND NEW technology. We are in the earliest of earliest stages of CGI experimentation. History will look back on CGI and not view 2024 as notably distant from Toy Story’s release in ‘95. I think it’s only in the past few years that we’ve seen mainstream film really try to use CGI for something genuinely brand new—Trolls in 2016 creating an entire world comprised of textures that wouldn’t exist in such a way in real life (like felt ground, cotton ball clouds, etc), Moana (also in 2016) using computer generated blacklight and neon for the Tamatoa sequence, Into the Spider-Verse in 2018 absolutely changing the game with its use of comic book stylization that looks nothing like anything that came before it, followed by Puss in Boots: The Last Wish in 2022 implementing something similar to evoke a storybook feeling and experimenting with intentional drops in frames per second (there’s a cool video about it here that covers some of this). But these new and inventive attempts at CG, all less than a decade old, would not exist without the decades leading up to it. Terminator 2 was an extremely significant breakthrough in animating liquid. Finding Nemo over a decade later was a huge technical breakthrough for animated underwater environments. 1991 to 2003, 12 years spent learning how to make a computer animate water, and Finding Nemo looks plenty dated now. The first realistic digital fire was shown off in my all time favorite animated short, Peedee Meets the Dragon, in 1989! Only 35 years ago animating fire was in and of itself a feat! Toy Story in 1995 famously used toys as protagonists because humans were still difficult to animate—Only 29 years ago HUMANS still couldn’t be consistently animated in CGI. The Incredibles would be THE FIRST ALL HUMAN CAST that Pixar would attempt, and that was in 2004, almost a DECADE later. All the weird uncanny experimental stuff are building blocks to something so much greater than we can even imagine. I really believe that.

So like, yeah, the homogeneity of CGI in the industry right now is frustrating. The industry-standard willingness to exploit digital artists for rushed, cheap, and unregulated third party work is disgusting and genuinely abhorrent. But man, I hate seeing CGI itself shit on in the same breaths that these criticisms are made. So much fundamental misunderstanding of what it is and what it can do as an art form and such a lack of genuine desire to see it continue to evolve and progress. To be blunt a decent amount of it is just straight up nostalgia, and often very rose tinted nostalgia. “Things from my childhood looked better.” Sometimes it’s genuinely being misinformed—Tons of movies that get heralded as being traditional animation or practical effects… still utilize some form of CGI. I also think there’s something to be said about the fact that I believe the current trend of using CGI for hyper realistic effects in big budget live action films is genuinely a misusage of the medium and a complete failure to actually utilize CGI in any meaningful way (looking at you, live action Disney remakes). I love practical effects and I love traditional animation, but I don’t see why they need to be at odds with CGI. The best and most visually striking movies with the greatest visuals tend to recognize that and utilize a blend of the strengths of more than one of these mediums—Though interestingly, Courage the Cowardly Dog remains one of the only examples I can think of that uses CGI as a form of mixed media INTENTIONALLY. As in, not to look hyper-realistic or to replace/accompany practical effect or traditional animation, but to squarely be intentionally meant to be read as CGI in order to evoke a specific tone, functionally using CGI as a punchline the same way one would use live action shots in a show like Spongebob. I'm sure others have done it, but it doesn't appear particularly common.

That’s my last note: I really want to see CGI utilized more with both its strengths and weaknesses taken into account. Back to “Tiny Wounded Bird,” which makes use of the way models of the human body can be reskinned and manipulated to the point of being unrecognizable, a succinct but evocative visual theme for a song about pride and suffering. But I want to talk about another older CGI short film that does something similar, Polly Gone from 1988.

Y’all, I’m literally switching from my phone to my computer to type this out because this matters a lot to me.

EVERYONE writes Polly Gone off as absurdism. That goofy "Early CGI Was Horrifying" video writes it off as "a shitpost," which half the damn commenters on the artist's upload are quoting, annoyingly. The VintageCG Youtube account cruelly calls it "The second worst computer animation ever produced." It finds its way onto r/OddlyTerrifying and similar subreddits not unoften. You guys. Polly Gone is directed by the artist Shelley Lake, who has made this statement about her work:

"The artwork that comes from the world inside is the culmination of my mind’s eye–a fantasy world where, through my imagination, anything is possible. I enthusiastically partner with intelligent machines and together we create an artificial reality. A simulated world of superheroes, erotic men and women, wireframe meshworks, anatomical investigations, cybernetic creatures, phantasmagoric depictions of impossible people, places and things. Although these artworks often resemble our photo-real existence, these creations are utterly unreal and sometimes uncanny." (X)

She KNOWS it's uncanny. She knows it's weird. And her work is, explicitly, intentionally, and, honestly, blatantly, engaging with the weirdness of this medium to deliver messages in ways surreal, fresh, bizarre, and off-putting. I don't know what exactly her intentions are behind Polly Gone, but I would very strongly make a case for it being about women's roles in society, or at least that being a perfectly viable interpretation, especially if you do a 5 second deep dive into her body of work exploring themes about female bodies, sexuality, kink, and queerness. Her synopsis on her own Youtube page for this short is: "A day in the life of a robot." Consider watching it through a feminist lens. Consider how uncanny and dehumanized this animation is of an expressionless, mechanical humanoid--in a dress, in lipstick, with breasts--that zooms around its futuristic house doing mundane chores. Consider the name being a feminized version of the word "polygone." Consider this oddly cool OddlyTerrifying comment:

They're joking, but they're not: This is a short film from the EIGHTIES, seven years before Toy Story would be the first full-length CGI film. Shelley Lake received both a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree and a Master of Sciences degree in the 70s. This is artistic experimenting from someone with years of experience, this is making use of the strengths and unique facets of computer generated animation that cannot be replicated through any other means, and it is not purposeless nor does it deserve to be written off as "a shitpost." And it's not asking you to look past the CGI limitations, it is wholly embracing them.

I want to see more CGI play with this. I think it was a mistake to veer CGI in the direction of trying to disguise it as something that it is not. I think it can work as an accompaniment to other effects, sure, but I don't think its sole purpose should be photorealistic lions emoting less than their real world counterparts singing covers of Elton John songs. I wish CGI wasn't devalued and I wish people would engage with it as a unique art form of its own.

Since I gotta be up for work in like 3 hours and can't sleep I might as well talk new years resolutions. Here's mine:

Long ass post so I'm readmore

Read every day: I've been collecting books for a while now and have a huge backlog of super interesting stuff to read. The only thing holding me back is making time to do it.

Write every day: Similarly, I have too many half baked projects/ideas that I need to actually finish. The perfectionist in me has been keeping me from finishing things for years, and for what? Fear of putting out something bad? Some of my favorite things in the world are bad. I already put out bad art all the time, and I love it. I've been struggling with this part of myself for far too long and it's time for it to die.

Organize my information better: I'm a notorious note-taker, but they're always very disjointed and arcane. So I guess that means I'm a bad note-taker. I've been using Obsidian more and more over the last few months and been building better information collection habits to use it to its full potential. Sometimes the first step is just to accept that your memory is shitty and learn to efficiently externalize things. Building off of that...

Manage my time better: I have so much shit going on at any one time it's often overwhelming. ADHD and my various neuroses certainly don't help. I've been doing various things to work on this but I need to stick to them better.

Finish Somnium: I put out a whole one (1) episode last year because I dreamt too big with my episode plans and didn't have the tools to bring them to fruition the way I wanted to - I need to push myself to actually finish more. This year's goal is manageable - 4 episodes.

Learn Japanese: I just think it's a neat language. Maybe one day I'll visit Japan; there's so much I want to see there. I know that seems like a far flung dream right now, but life happens fast.

Work out more: not much to say here, I just need to keep up this habit and push myself harder to build strength.

Get my driver's license: I've almost always lived in areas where I've just never needed to drive, but now that my sister has her's I feel like it's finally time to check this box lol.

Make more money: it's getting harder and harder to keep things afloat (as I'm sure is news to absolutely nobody) even with my pretty decent full time job. I'm assuming I won't get a raise, and also hoping I won't get laid off, but even still I need to get some sort of consistent side hustle doing web design or something similar.

God this really seems like a lot when I write them all down... I'm going to stick to them though. I probably won't kick all of these off at once just to not burn myself out, but I'm gonna do them all.

I really can't live without being able to set goals and make progress on them anymore, even if the progress is slow, even if things slide backwards or I fall off for months or years. I lived with soul crushing suicidal depression for so long and it really made it difficult to believe that my life was worth living or that it was worth investing in my skills or my future. I know a lot of people still think that way and I'm not the best at helping them, and that what worked for me doesn't work for everyone. But seasons change, wounds heal, and in the end, it's always worth it to invest your time in bettering yourself and to keep moving ahead.

Man, I don't know where the fuck I was going with all that but I'm leaving it in. Also why the hell am I writing this long ass post... I barely post here anymore. Anyway fuck it I'm gonna try to sleep AGAIN wish me luck at work in... 2 and a half hours. Happy new year ya filthy animals.

Val! I've been playing KHD and just finished up the manga connected to it, and goodness I have thoughts. Conflicting thoughts, mostly about Roxas. So, it got me wondering what your thoughts are on Roxas, nobodies in general, and KH3. The whole storyline feels messy to me, but that probably makes it all the more compelling to me. Why do I do this to myself? Anyway, as you know I love hearing your thoughts on stuff, so I thought I'd ask. I know you're either have already started school or about to, so no pressure with answering. Take your time. I hope you're adjusting okay to your new surroundings and that you're having a lot of fun too. :)

Waugh that's so exciting! I've read the Chain of Memories novelization, but otherwise I've not actually had the chance to read any of the mangas--I'll have to keep an eye out.

As for thoughts on Nobodies, yeah, I agree the storyline does feel messy at times, yet still so so compelling! I think the guiltiest party for me in that respect is how it's revealed in KH3 that Nobodies are capable of regrowing hearts. Because that seems to contradict everything we know about Nobodies from previous games, but if you actually go back and look at those games, there are actually a lot of hints about this--Axel caring about Roxas and Xion at all, "Roxas, are you sure you don't have a heart?", Saix being capable of feeling betrayed by Axel, Vexen displaying panic and annoyance, Namine's entire character arc, Xigbar/Luxu even being capable of playing his long game at all. Some members are more emotionless than others (Xaldin and Marluxia, I'm looking at you), but why would you even want a heart if you didn't feel any emotions? Desires are driven by emotions--one can't really exist without the other.

The terrifying thing about this is that the Organization members seem to rationalize this away (Axel especially) by saying that they are remembering what it used to be like to feel emotions and trying to project that onto their present moment, an idea so specific and bizarre that I can only think it was perpetuated by Xemnas to keep them from figuring out the truth. But of course it's not true--Namine has no memories, how could she feel loneliness?

As for ideas about Roxas, by the end of 358/2 Days he is so attached to Xion, so so angry, so human, that I almost wonder if he hadn't completely grown his own heart by then. He still had to go back to Sora so he could be recompleted, but that explains why he haunts both Sora and the narrative so much, especially in DDD.

I think the same goes for Xion, but perhaps even more so, when you consider that she was never actually a Nobody--just a replica using Sora's memories of Kairi as a blueprint. I suppose that since we know she was created without a heart, she is essentially a Nobody, but I have to imagine that having Sora's memories pouring into her head all the time gave her a bit of a boost. (Wait, does this mean Replica Riku didn't have a heart either? Somehow I've never thought about that.)

I think Axel was also pretty dang close, he was just in severe denial about it, especially now that we know he was burying his grief and despair over being unable to find Subject X after sacrificing his humanity to find her. Roxas and Xion left him just like she did, and burying those emotions and having that ready and waiting excuse that you're not actually feeling them is a lot less painful than having to confront them.

358/2 Days is such a fascinating tragedy, and watching it bleed its way into DDD and KH3 because it's begging to be resolved is just absolutely beautiful. I'll admit the resolution in KH3 seemed a little quick (perhaps because the BBS storyline was also resolving in a similar fashion), but it was great all the same (especially when Sora confronts Xion, my gosh, the fact that he knows her when no one else does). And Hearts as One playing in the next battle, mixing both Roxas and Xion's theme into a joyful and glorious battle theme, makes me absolutely insane.

I know Nomura wants to move on to other things in the next game, but I really hope he doesn't drop these characters. But on the other hand, maybe he should leave them alone? They need to be happy for once.

(Also I think about the scene where Axel looks at Kairi and sees Xion for a split second daily. It *might* be my favorite scene in the entire game.)

PLS I LOVE HEARINV ABT PPLS SPIDERSONAS!!!!

(explodes) ok uhm. uhm. GRABS HIM (well he uses he/she)

this is martin riley (born mary james riley yes this is important) and "his" spider name is spidershfiter :) he has DID but he's from 1976 so he has no clue what the fuck that is and nobody will tell him because MPD isn't even in the DSM until the 80s.

he was generally a kid who stayed by himself bc he spent all his time outside of school helping his mom out w the rooms that she rented out in their home (her dad was a mechanic and they were outside of town, so it was normal for someone who needed to get their car repaired to stay overnight etc etc) BUT he was best friends w a boy named peter parker :) peter called her MJ.

IM GONNA PUT STUFF UNDER THE CUT. UH. TW FOR CAR CRASHES/MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH/ ITS REALLY LONG SORRY IVE BEEN THINKING ABT THIS FOR WEEKS.

and then peter got bit. and riley found out about spiderman by complete accident! but he promised peter that he'd never tell a soul about it. so that went on for a couple months, with peter secretly acting as spiderman and riley being a big supporter of it but still dealing w his system & frequent loss of time etc etc

THEN. uh. there's a car accident. and peter dies, riley lives, and he doesn't quite know what to do with himself? but one of the thoughts in his head gets louder and louder demanding that he needs to be spiderman because without peter there IS no spiderman. nobody knows that spiderman is dead. riley does not want to be spiderman. but He Does:

nick forms as a trauma response to the crash. he wants to be spiderman. and goddammit he's gonna BE spiderman. so he starts to force himself to front and reverse-engineers all of the spider tech that peter was using to use for himself. and it works! he's able to be spiderman without having any powers, it's a miracle. but he's doing his best to hide it from riley. imagine hiding your secret identity from yourself.

meanwhile riley is going to college and getting an english degree. he picks up a job at his college library doing copyediting for other students. then someone from a big scientific organization comes over and is like "hey we need copyeditors. you're good at your job. c'mere." so he gets hired at alchemax, not for anything cool, just to copyedit people's papers/research/etc to make sure everything is clean and comprehensible.

that's when he meets jonathon ohnn :) who is a scientist as part of the budding space program but really his passion is alternate realities! he writes a lot. and riley keeps getting his papers. so eventually they decide to close the gap and start working one-on-one.

(i'm still debating what i want jon's backstory to be, my main thought is MAYBE Vietnamese family that immigrated? i don't know i gotta do more research on that)

they fall in love and start living together :) jon learns abt riley's system and tries to be as adaptable as he can towards it, which amazes riley bc he's never had someone in his life active acknowledge it.

THERES SOME EXTRA LORE ABT THE SPIDERS JUST KNOW FOR NOW THAT THERE ARE THREE WAVES OF SPIDERS. the original (bit peter) the spy (bit riley. spoilers oops) and the brute (bit eddie/venom and carnage bc aliens do not exist in my timeline but fucked up science does!)

riley gets bit when nick feels really bad about the "neglected" spiders and when trying to feed one gets bit. that gives them powers. the thing is w the spy powers is that a majority of them focus on stealth/reading people/etc. so like for example riley's webs are laced with a mild amount of hallucinogenics that it acts as a "truth serum" etc.

woahh now she's spiderman (SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE SPIDERMAN.) nick is spiderman yayyy he likes being spiderman.

and uh! then jon dies. riley wasn't there. he was supposed to be at work that day but he called out. and he gets a phone call. jon's dead. he dies and it's never clear how he dies. his funeral is open casket and riley never gets full closure because his relationship w jon was never seen as what it actually was.

he stops fronting. nick starts fronting. nick is fronting for months. then an anomaly shows up in his dimension and he has to fight it, peter b shows up, is like "hey kid you need a part time job?" and nick's like YEAH I WANNA SEE THE OTHER SPIDER PEOPLE!!! PLEASE!!!! so into the multiverse they go!

but it had a strange reaction on riley and his system. basically, now, whoever fronts, the body shifts into (thus the name spidershifter).

(small image wip etc)

they get assigned on spy missions because all things consider, it's impossible for them to cause a paradox because nick/mickey/vanessa/etc do NOT exist in these universes! (but what about riley? you may ask. aren't there other rileys?)

here's the thing about riley: he is dead in most universes. he's a canon event. he's the uncle ben for johnathon (if he lives long enough to see him at all). he's supposed to be dead. why isn't he? because he became mj. so he's an outlier from a realistic timeline shift and he hates it. he hates it so much but. he tries to find jon in the universes that spidershifter is sent to spy on. he just wants to see him. talk to him, maybe.

the spot happens and uh why does he sound like his dead boyfriend. why does he remember him. why is he talking to him. Help. (my hc is that when 1610 jon became the spot, he fused with all other versions of him. there is no other jon. there is just him and he remembers all of them)

uhm and that's all i have rn bc that's where the movie ends and i dont want to go into detail talking abt specific alters or interactions w specific characters unless asked. bc this is already so much. im so sorry.

TL;DR: this is spidershifter vvvv