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the-bad-batch-baroness · 2 months

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Banner art by @mwolf0epsilon

Name Etymology

Rift has ADHD and got bored very easily. He loved climbing furniture and anything that didn't move. However, when there was nothing to climb or fidget with, he loved to cause trouble between the other cadets. He'd plant little pieces of false information, creating squabbles among the cadet friend groups, then sit back and watch the fallout. He caused so many rifts between friends that he was labeled a menace among the cadets. He still is.

Personality

Rift is one of the middles of Phoenix Squad, and isn't in charge of anything, for good reason. He has the most unhinged personality in the squad. An absolute sweetheart, through and through, but he is chaos incarnate and addicted to all things sugar. He is easily excited, loves to have a good time, and takes life in stride. There are not many things that can put Rift in a bad mood, so he tends to be the comedic relief for the squad.

Mood Boards:

Here

Alphabets:

SFW Alphabet

NSFW Alphabet

View his tags -> #oc: rift

Physical Appearance

Rift has the standard clone physique, but enjoys working out to get rid of his pent up energy. He shaves his head and face smooth because the hair bothers him way too much. He doesn't have any piercings, but he does have a back tattoo of a lightning strike, as well as the memorial tattoo on his chest for Chance.

Character Art:

Greyscale Bust

Character Timeline

Early Cadet Years:

CT-1971, or Rift, was probably the most excited tubie to ever be decanted in the history of cloning. He was energetic from day one and scared a lot of the Kaminoan scientists with his unhinged chaos. The squad had trouble acclimating to Rift's personality, most notably Drip, who loved peace and quiet. Rift spent most of his time doing all sorts of physical activities. As a cadet, Rift dreamed of being a pilot in the GAR.

Invasion of Kamino:

During the invasion of Kamino in 21 BBY, Rift and the other members of Phoenix Squad followed Tungst to the outer rings of Tipoca City as part of the frontal assault. With limited resources and training as a seventh year, Rift used whatever armor and blaster Tungst gave him. During the firefight, Chance left his position behind the barricade with Drip to render medical aid to a group of wounded clone cadets caught in a blast. Rift didn't notice Chance leave because he was in the middle of some crossfire. When the commotion arose between Brett and Tungst, Rift turned to check it out just in time to see the missile explode. Rift pulled back behind the barricade after the dust settled, unsure of why they regrouped, and watched Chance die in Tungst's arms.

Aftermath of Chance's Death:

After Chance's death, the squad was never quite the same. Rift, the happy-go-lucky of the squad struggled. Not only was he sad that his brother was dead, but he also had to watch as his family fell apart in front of him. Tungst and Brett constantly fought. Drip was depressed and Gloss was withdrawn. None of his jokes worked anymore. After Drip attempted to end his own life over Chance's death, Rift visited Drip in the medbay and put some of Chance's favorite candy at his bedside table.

Order 66:

Order 66 was just another day for Phoenix Squad. Rift received the news of the Jedi betraying the Republic from Tungst and their training continued without much interruption.

Destruction of Tipoca City:

Imperial Service:

Fanfiction

Icon Guide -> HERE

Updated: 5/11/2024

Navigation Page

*When I commissioned Eps to make the character banners, I sent her some stick figure references I made in Canva. If you want a laugh and see what she had to work with, you can look below the cut. If you're coming to this page via my masterlist, you have no choice*

#tbbb's OCs #tbbb masterlist #oc: rift #phoenix squad #clone oc

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kyrodo · 2 months

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I am hopeful after the recent talk with Red but it is pretty clear he's not doing well. He is bogged down by a history of career and project failures, migraine attacks with emotional and mental effects, an immense amount of hardwork both from work itself and from home/the car, nobody to sleep with because I stay up late, Nobody to cuddle which is his own fault, no sex because I gave up on him trying to get me off and it ruins his lips, or bleeds my butt, one of the two, and it's hard to tell Choskey I'll suddenly be gone for a while, and Red actively avoids any such acts anymore after Choskey showed up. He is jealous immensely because of how well me and Choskey get along, how supportive I am of him and how many things we do together while ignoring the fact that we don't do things together because the only thing he ever wanted to play was planetside and anything outside costs money other than walking. He dislikes me being in call with Choskey all the time including on restaurant trips and on walks but also won't join the call himself.

He misses the monogamous part of our relationship. And I kinda knew this was going to be a problem, but I was definitely not happy where I was before. I see Red failing a lot, getting frustrated a lot, or days eaten up by work, sleep, migraines, failures trying to get his projects off the ground or sudden decisions to give up on them even when I'm there to encourage him.

I do not spend a lot of time doing my share of the chores and things would be a lot better if I were tackling that more reliably and more consistently than I have been. I was hopeful when he got a violin the same time I got my flute but he ended up not doing much of anything with it even when I made it a point to practice every day. I thought it would help him work on it too, but it didn't. Red's inability to focus is legendary. Adhd completely controls his life and keeps him from doing anything he wants. Personally I do want to throw medication at it until something works. Because I know even though it'll not completely solve the issue, it is the only thing that will affect whatever chemical imbalance is making him like this. I know from enternode and light that medication is not perfect or guaranteed to be effective and they come with side effects. But I do know it tends to be better than the alternative, especially if what is being treated is considered crippling. Same with Red's depression.

It won't change the fact I'm usually gaming something multiplayer by the time he gets home and that further complicates the possibility of us doing anything together. Stay up too late to sleep with him. Or that I often don't wake up in time to shower with him or wakeup cuddle. Or that I stay home when he does trips to the store, food, etc. Because it doesn't require both of us to be present and I want to use what time I have in the day elsewhere. It doesn't change that I rarely leave the computer to the point it affects my ability to do much in the way of chores, exercise, etc.

It doesn't change that whenever anything goes wrong I tend to post things in places people don't like instead of go to them directly. I am gluttonous in the worst way possible. I crave immediate satisfaction over longer term investments. I want to play, I want to spend as much of my life doing something that makes me happy as I possibly can. And I will sacrifice sleep for it. And I don't like just leaving whatever cohesive articulation in my head unwritten.

So I understand why Red isn't happy but he also has very little to offer me in terms of affection, happiness, social events, or activities. Emotional support, he has trouble enough dealing with himself. Choskey it is easy for me to understand and deal with him better. He's happier than Red. He's easier to keep happy than Red. He's less angry if ever. He's either happy or sad and that is a lot less stressful to deal with. My words are more effective on him than Red. My presence helps him be better and it is more obvious when that is the case.

I know Red would prefer one person to live and die with for better or for worse but I am not a machine. I can't not be affected by his foul moods or frustrations or avoid groaning inwardly and watch fail to even start something he was planning to do for the day, whether or not I'm present. I can't be there for him 24/7 like I can with Choskey, but Choskey weighs less. Not just physically but emotionally. He's easier to support. It's easier to feel like my efforts aren't being put to waste. And we are willing to break rules like being in discord 24/7. Red would never do that.

I am chaos incarnate. I do not keep organized, or at least I care more about function than form. I would be the one to make an ugly house in a sandbox game and live with it because it gets the job done. I don't do things by the book. I have to clear soda cans from my desk each day.

Through all of that Red loved me, took care of me, kept doing things like make bread for me because I was his number one priority, but it means nothing if I'm not happy. It means nothing if we're not happy. Something needed to change. We weren't going to cons anymore or making any effort to visit friends regularly again. Red's retail therapy kept ruining whatever extra money we had and he often put it to waste. And despite all the games I buy my form of recreation is both cheaper and more immediately effective.

I wish Red would finally find a job with less hours, less work, less stress, less work politics, but he seems to be cursed, and I don't have any way to counteract it. I just want our costs to go down so we can actually do something major like a furcon, and I want people to actually be there with or for than just us. Choskey promises that.

I can't fix Red's moods, migraines, failed projects, lack of focus, stressful work environments or inability to do things like homework regularly. There is so much I can't fix. And I don't want to die feeling lonely or unhappy. I want things to work out with both Choskey and Red, but if that can't be the case for one reason or another I am prepared. We have history, but we don't have happiness. Red is a tortured soul, powerless to change his fate, powerless to accomplish anything. In a sense I have my own failures as well, but I have a social life, I have social needs, emotional needs, gaming needs that no matter how well Red takes care of me he can't fully meet them. Red's life is work. If Choskey got a tech job maybe he'd have some breathing room to find something better, but right now Red is worked to the bone. He also willingly makes more work for himself while at work. He's always biting off more than he can chew but it is his very nature to automate, try to improve things try to set these ambitious goals he'll unlikely be able to deliver, and gets nothing for it in the end. And at every new job he does it again. And he never comes home except when it's really late. And if it weren't for Choskey I would be alone for the entire time. He sacrifices his lunch time for work, constantly gets overtime when he doesn't have to, and at any point he could assert his right as a worker to stop being a doormat for every employer.

And he gets burnt out no surprise. And I can't do anything about it. I want to be happy. I want someone to play with. To love with. To be social with. And Choskey plays that role for me extremely well. He has friends and family that welcome me. We do things, we have fun, there's a clear idea of what we're going to do and when. My life feels purpose. I feel like the day was well spent. I have a harder time finding time to do things by myself like Valheim, but that was exactly what I wanted.

Red completely shuts himself off from everybody. And every now and then he'll say something or be loving or be fun to be around, but it is few and far between. I've been holding on since his first Target job waiting for him to find a job that he actually liked or could be relaxed at but it never happens. It's been more than a decade and it never happens. His life completely revolves around stress and he never catches a break. I thought peloton would be his calling but it turned out to be another fluke. I can pray, I can hope, I can wish things will be better for him finally but I can't do anything about it. I need do more chores but beyond that I'm at a loss on how to support him, how to spend time with him, how to properly love him. I want to be with him still but I want to be happy too.

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adhdmorelikeyaydhd · 3 years

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Ask post - is this an ADHD thing?

Quite some people in my inbox where asking if certain things are ADHD symptoms/related to ADHD/common in people with ADHD so I have grouped all of those asks together! Most of my answers are fairly short but I used a keep reading thing anyways for your convenience!

List of asks:

ADHD & sugar

ADHD & tics

ADHD & depression

ADHD & voice/tone regulation

ADHD & communication with other ND people

ADHD & stims

ADHD & hyperfixation

1. ADHD & sugar

You’re right, caffeine boosts dopamine levels, which probably explains why a lot of people with ADHD drink coffee!

As far as I can find candy doesn’t have the same effect though. If anything, it seems as if scientists are still debating if sugar makes ADHD symptoms worse* or not. It’s possible you just have a sweet tooth! (which yknow, same, candy is so good)

* This source is about dieting with ADHD, so trigger warning for dieting & things! Also please note that you don’t have to treat your ADHD with a diet, that’s entirely your choice!

2. ADHD & tics

I didn’t know anything about tics and ADHD but I dug into a bit and it seems that tics are not caused by ADHD! Tic disorders and ADHD are definitely co-morbid thought. (Sources here and here.)

However, it seems as if tics can also be a side effect of ADHD medication. (But if you don’t take medication I’m guessing you might have a tic disorder.)

3. ADHD & depression

This ask was in my inbox for quite some time, sorry for taking so long! You can find some good articles about ADHD & depression here and here.

And thank you for the compliment, that made me really happy!

4. ADHD & voice/tone regulation

Hi anon! Sorry it took me a while to respond to your ask. You’re never a bother!! I’m just a bit bad at answering asks, sorry again.

Normally I try to find sources for my answers, but I couldn’t really find anything this time! I’m pretty confident many people with ADHD struggle to regulate their tone of voice though! That’s because people with ADHD often have a harder time regulating their emotions (here is a video about it!) and it would make sense to me if that also comes with struggle to regulate their voices.

5. ADHD & communication with other ND people

In the end, please know that it’s okay to have trouble with it sometimes! Struggling to regulate the tone of your voice doesn’t make you a bad or a broken person, nor does it make you rude or unkind. It’s just a bit harder for you and that’s okay!

I personally don’t know too many neurodivergent people, but in my experience I usually communicate a bit better with the other scatterbrained people I know! Probably because we all like to (and are able to!) change subjects really quickly and have really rapid conversations?

If it makes you feel a bit better, I do the same thing too! If I am excited about something I start talking really fast and sometimes I get a bit too loud too. My aunt (who also has ADHD) does this too. But I also know people who don’t have ADHD who also struggle with regulating their tone!

I’m sure it really depends from person to person though! ADHD manifests differently in everyone and it’s possible it might take a bit more work to find the a way to communicate that works for everyone! (You sound like a really sweet friend for being worried about it btw, good luck with everything!)

6. ADHD & stimming

I don’t know that much about stimming but I think so, yeah! Sometimes it’s just really nice to walk around in circles you know??

7. ADHD & hyperfixation

Another ask that has been sitting in my inbox for a long time - sorry anon!!

I haven’t had such a strong hyperfixation in a while, but this does kinda sound like hyperfixation to me!! I do still hyperfocus sometimes and I definitely recognise the whole ‘spending hours on the thing and being a bit sad when the hyperfocus ends’ thing!! So you might want to get yourself tested for ADHD? (If you haven’t done so already of course, sorry again for taking such a long time to answer!)

Here is an article where people with ADHD describe what hyperfixation feels like if you want to read a bit more about the subject!

#ask #if you prefer not to see my asks block this tag:#adhdmorelikeyaydhdask #ask post #ask compilation #food mention #depression mention #hyperfixation #just edited this post because it said 'list of tasks' and not 'list of asks' lol oops

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wisteria-lodge · 3 years

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snake primary + snake secondary (bird model)

Hello! I recently discovered your blog and really love the thought you’ve put into the nuances of the SHC system. I’m super into these kinds of personality analysis systems (I’ve probably been through them all at this point) because I think it’s interesting to know how people tick - I also think self-awareness is important so that you know why you do what you do, essentially. I took the SHC quiz and it told me I was a Snake Primary with a Bird Model, and a Bird Secondary with a Snake Model. I agree that I’m probably a (somewhat petrified) Snake Primary with a strong Bird Model, but I’m not sure which is my true secondary and which is the model. Maybe you can help?

I can sure try :)

Some things about me: I’m an oldest daughter, and I’m almost 100% sure my dad is a Bird Snake and I *idolized* him as a child - I thought he had it all figured out. He was the Zeus to my Athena in my child’s eyes, and I think I got my Bird primary model very early from copying him.

I mean, I know what you mean in a “sole creator” sense, but there is no *way* Athena thought Zeus had it all figured out.

My two younger brothers are a Lion Snake and a Lion Badger, and my mother is possibly a Double Badger, though I’m not as sure about her - maybe she just thinks that she *should* be a Double Badger. I think all that is important to help illustrate that I didn’t really feel *at home* when I was with my family, though I loved them, since I was the only Snake. My parents also had a terrible relationship and are now divorced, so there’s that as well. I think the only time I have ever been truly morally outraged was the revelation that my dad had engaged in infidelity against my mom, and then again when he started dragging his feet over a promise the he had made my youngest brother. We didn’t speak for a long time after that incident, but I was really cut up over dropping him.

Oh yeah. That’s very Snake primary. Morally outraged because your People are getting hurt.

We eventually started to reconcile, and the only reason we did was because he called and said he was driving through my city one day, and even after all of that, I said yes to meeting up because I felt sad that I had dropped him. I think this family dynamic, plus some other childhood stuff, led to me sort of “checking out” and petrifying pretty early.

Just a theory - I think it’s possible that this hit your secondary more than it hit your primary. You seem pretty strong and confident in your Snake primary so far. Even the fact that you can identify it coming from such a non-Snake environment, and don’t feel guilty about it, is big.

I had a lot of trouble making friends in school.

I’m thinking this might be more of a secondary thing.

and generally ended up with like one friend who was the other weird girl, and who I always sort of kept at arm’s length emotionally. I moved schools several times as a kid and after the first best friend (who was the daughter of my mom’s best friend and was like a sister to me until she moved away), I really didn’t try too hard to make new “best” friends.

Hmm. See, this reads like a *default* friend to me, not a friend of choice. The other weird girl. The daughter of your mom’s friend. That’s an easy friend to have… and not one that you necessarily sought out. I’m not surprised that your primary didn’t latch onto her with that Snake intensity.

Even now, though I definitely have concentric circles of loyalty and a significant other who is my “top person”, I’m not sure I have that blind Snake I-would-literally-die-for-you loyalty toward anyone - I’d kill or hide a body for my top circles

That *is* Snake loyalty. Snakes aren’t going to die for someone else, are you kidding? That’s a sucker’s game. They value themselves too much.

I would give up a lot of my own comfort for my significant other. Maybe I’m just afraid to let myself feel that unquestioning loyalty, though I want to feel it, or maybe I’m really a Bird and just want to be a Snake because that would mean I could be un-broken eventually.

Let’s talk about your secondary, I want to hear about how you think you’re broken, because so far you seem fine. Congrats on the SO!

I don’t think I’m an Idealist though - I’m surrounded by them and I know I don’t care about “principles” the way they do. Then again, maybe I’m a Bird whose truth is that moral relativism is the truth lol. Anyway, I think for my primary, I’m probably a petrified Snake with a Bird model unless I’m totally wrong about myself.

I think you’re just a Snake who… is a Snake.

(you’ve got that Birdy influence though, from your dad, and they do like to complicate things.)

As for my secondary, I loved to read (everything - all kinds of fiction, especially sci-fi/fantasy/mystery and, like, Victorian sci-fi/horror adventures, nature books, medical texts, etc. Wikipedia was a revelation when it came out), and I was smart and good at taking tests and knowing the answers in school, so at a certain point I think I just defaulted to being “the smart one” and used that as armor to help keep people from getting too close.

yep yep yep, welcome to the ‘fun Bird model’ club, we have snacks

I do genuinely love to learn, and I’ve always been known among friends and family as the one who either knows the answer or will look it up. I love pop culture trivia and nature facts. I also love and am good at debate, but not really when real feelings are involved - I more love the “battle of wits” aspect, where I can match up against a person to see if my knowledge and ability to adapt my argument on the fly can stump them.

I also would argue the unpopular point, or the point I didn’t agree with, just for sport. Fun Bird secondary model.

I developed terrible anxiety and probably some depression as well in high school.

Okay, now I’m seeing the problem.

and now that I’m older, I suspect that I may have ADHD, though I haven’t been officially assessed. I didn’t discover my executive function issues really until college, when suddenly being smart and being able to figure out the test answers through context clues and what I remembered from lectures and readings + whatever trivia I had gathered about the topic wasn’t enough anymore.

I suspect you’re right about being ADHD. Or at least being neruodivergent.

I am horrible at studying! I would plan out my study sessions and make these nice little cheat sheets (these were allowed on exams) and they didn’t work at all! I did very well in my literature minor though, because all the graded assignments were papers rather than open-answer tests, and I could get my thoughts out better and with more resources at my disposal if I forgot something and needed to go back to the book to check.

Oh ouch. Yeah, I’m not even relating this back to a secondary, because I’m reading this as a working memory thing? Like ugh tests are such a terrible way access knowledge. What is even the *point* of memorization anymore? You should have been able to have a college career that was completely writing papers, like I did.

I was at one point very jealous of my Lion Snake brother, who I felt could do “whatever he wanted” with minimal consequences, while I always felt constrained by being “good” and not rocking the boat too much with my family.

Yep. That’s being an oldest daughter.

I couldn’t understand why he didn’t seem to care about being considerate to everyone else in the household (especially my chronically overworked, can’t-say-no Badger mom lol).

It’s because he’s the youngest. Mine’s the same.

This attitude was definitely influenced by my anxiety issues at that time, since I had (and still have) a lot of trouble asking for anything - help, permission, whatever. I’d rather do things and explore on my own, without anyone watching, so I don’t have to ask and don’t have to explain.

Did you low-key raise your younger siblings? Because it sounds like you raised your siblings.

I feel better with a little bit of distance, and definitely wear masks in most situations. I’d say my masks are half conscious and half reactive - I do have some idea of how I’d like to be perceived, but it’s only kind of systematic.

That makes me think Snake or Badger secondary.

I have a few “characters” that I use as touchpoints when I’m going into a new situation, but once I’m there I mostly just act nice and funny and see what happens.

So far I’m going with Badger secondary (be nice and and assume it’ll be fine is very badger) with a fun Bird secondary model, that you can do an Actor Bird thing with. Although liking to “just see what happens” is pretty snake.

The characters are really just costumes I use to give off a certain first impression, although I do really like the costumes and find them fun. I love clothes, makeup, and perfume too, because I enjoy the idea of making multidimensional costumes for different settings. I actually enjoy the mask a lot of the time - I have tattoos that are purposefully in places that I can cover easily, because I enjoy the idea that there’s something under the professional mask that people only know about if I show them. I’m a bit socially awkward I think (I repeat myself and talk a lot), but most people tend to either like me or tolerate me, and I don’t get into a lot of interpersonal conflicts.

Hm. Either Courtier Badger or Snake secondary, fun Bird secondary model. However. Especially after talking about your Actor Bird in such fun, positive, happy language… I am going to call you out for “socially awkward” and “people tolerate me.” Which tells me you don’t have as much faith in your social skill set, and it’s *maybe* a little burnt.

(Also, not to get too armchair psychologist tell-me-about-your-mother, but if your mom has a “chronically overworked, can’t-say-no” Badger secondary… that’s going to affect how you see Badger secondaries.)

Right now I work in a very Badger/Bird workplace, and it’s really a terrible fit, even though I can squeak by enough to fool my superiors into thinking I’m doing a good job.

oh we’ve got some imposter syndrome, that can also be a burnt secondary thing.

It’s all long-term planning and daily maintenance tasks, and I really don’t like it. I change most of my plans partway through, but I’m not sure if it’s because I’m really an improvisational secondary at heart, or if I’m truly a Bird that’s just bad at planning for all of the variables.

I’m going to say you’re not a Bird. Making cheat-sheets (which is a very Bird secondary strategy) also did not work, and you feel confined by, not comforted by plans. You’re not a Lion, you enjoy keeping your true self to yourself too much. You could be either a Badger or Snake. And if you really hate daily maintenance tasks… that could be coming from a few places, but it makes me lean Snake.

I love being in situations where I can iterate on a plan, or make a new plan on the fly. I love escape rooms and am pretty good at them; I still get stumped and need hints sometimes, but when I *get* a puzzle, it sort of just clicks for me? I don’t think in a very linear way and am not a good chess player, but I also have never studied chess so perhaps I just am at a knowledge disadvantage in that game.

This is also you using Bird to have fun, and we know you *love* using Bird to have fun.

One of my proudest moments

okay this is definitely going to be helpful

was when I was on a day trip with my significant other, and we needed to find a place to buy food quickly so we wouldn’t miss a specific ferry and then a specific bus - we were on an island, and near the ferry station the restaurants were all too expensive and we were worried they would take too long anyway. He was starting to get frazzled, but I was able to think on my feet, and we just grabbed a calming beer (lol) at a creepy neighborhood bar, then got on the ferry and bought microwave meals at a 7-Eleven by the bus station. It was awesome and I was very proud of myself for staying calm and looking around myself for options.

Well that is VERY Snake secondary.

I generally take a long time making decisions when it’s not a crisis situation, because I have to *weigh all the options*, but I often end up in analysis paralysis. Crunch time is where I really shine as a decision-maker.

Snake again. From what I’m seeing, your Bird is a fantastic toy, but actually kind of makes you miserable when you have to depend on it for the important stuff. (studying, your job, making important decisions)

All of this long post is to say, I’m not sure whether my Bird secondary is a fun model that got repurposed into an executive dysfunction compensation tool and anxiety/depression soother to supplement my Snake secondary

I think you hit the nail straight on the head right there.

or if Bird is my true secondary and Snake is a model that I learned from my dad and brother + characters I admire in media

oh your favorite characters are Snake secondaries are they? That’s a big tell.

and that I use when I fail to plan adequately given my executive dysfunction.

Executive dysfunction is a whole thing, but you don’t have to “”plan adequately”” for everything.

I find both fun and both useful, but I’m not sure which is innate and which is the model!

My money is on snake secondary, Bird secondary model.

#submission #sortinghatchats #wisteria sorts #sortme #double snake #snake primary #snake secondary #bird secondary model #family dynamics

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meta-squash · 3 years

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Brick Club 2.3.8 “Inconveniences Of Entertaining A Poor Man Who May Be Rich”

This chapter is so long. Here goes.

Is it normal for Cosette to have to knock to get into the house she lives in? Or is Hugo just using that as a vehicle to make Mme Thenardier meet Valjean first?

It’s times like this that I desperately wish I knew more about biblical stories and fables and things. This, a rich man in disguise as a poor man being treated poorly by innkeepers and taking something from them, sounds like a bible story or a similar type of fable. But the only two bible stories I know with similar themes are the nativity story and Sodom and Gomorrah and neither of those seem quite right. Still, this entire episode reads like a fable or fairytale.

We’ve already seen how Evil the Thenardiers are re: their treatment of Cosette. Now we are seeing their Evil in the form of treatment of the poor.

You know, that’s an interesting thing that I’m not going to get into in this longass chapter. Javert’s evil and Thenardier’s evil are different because I feel like Javert’s evil is a lot more muddied or obscured by morality and duty and things like that. Where are the Thenardiers are bad but the badness of their actions is much more black and white. I think it’s also because, technically, they never have social power over anyone unless they are manipulative, whereas Javert always has the social power. I’m not sure where to go with either of these ideas but I will look back on it for a shorter chapter.

Cosette is ugly because she’s sad. It’s like the exact opposite of Roald Dahl’s description of ugliness. I called it on the orphanage thing and kids looking years younger than they are; she looks 6 when she’s 8. That doesn’t seem like a huge difference when you look at it written down but the difference between the size and maturity of a 6 year old vs an 8 year old is surprising.

In the way that the description of the doll was a distant echo of young Fantine, the description of Cosette here is a faded echo of dying Fantine.

“Fear was spread all over here; she was, so to speak, covered with it; fear squeezed her elbows against her sides, drew her heels up under her skirt, made her shrink into the least possible space...” I’m sure this description comes from Hugo observing children in his lifetime, but I also wonder if any of this comes from his brother who had schizophrenia and was institutionalized?

“The expression on the face of this child of eight was habitually so sad and occasionally so tragic that it seemed, at certain moments, as if she were on the way to becoming an idiot or a demon.” What an interesting pair of choices. Fear and sadness either stun and numb you completely or they turn you aggressive and evil. Hugo said the same thing before when talking about Valjean’s prison time. Again, like I said before, Cosette here is Valjean when we first met him: exhausted, scared, sad, numb, hatefully terrified of the people around her; the difference is that she still has hope. She had that moment of hoping someone would rescue her, she had the moment of pausing and wondering what the doll’s paradise was like; when we met Valjean he was past that kind of hope.

(Funny that Mme Thenardier doesn’t suspect the trick Valjean just pulled, despite Valjean “finding” a 20 sous piece instead of 15 sous piece.)

I love the description of Eponine and Azelma because it’s so innocent. They as little human beings aren’t morally bankrupt at the level of their parents yet. They’re still pretty and glowing. Partly because they are well-cared for unlike Cosette, and partly because they are still innocent.

“Eponine and Azelma did not notice Cosette. To them she was like the dog. The three little girls did not have twenty-four years among them, and they already represented the whole of human society: on one side envy, on the other disdain.”

Ah, human microcosms. Hugo loves those. The Thenardier children and Cosette are the pared down, simplified version of society. It’s also an excellent example of how Privilege works in layers. The girls’ doll is worn and old and broken, but the fact of them having a real doll and Cosette having nothing is already a layer of privilege Someone else, another little girl with wealthy parents and a new intact doll would have privilege over the Thenardier girls. There are layers.

I really love this passage too because it shows the start of the zero-sum game between Eponine and Cosette. At no point are Eponine and Cosette able to be equals. But the important thing is that neither of them are aware of this. Later, when Cosette and Eponine encounter each other again in the Gorbeau house, Eponine doesn’t have the awareness to be angry about the reversal of their fortunes. She seems sad, mostly, a jealousy born from a feeling of worthlessness rather than feeling slighted. And Cosette doesn’t even recognize Eponine, so there’s no room at all for disdain on her part, unless she’s disdainful of Eponine et al due to their poverty, though that never seems to be the case. But Eponine cannot be happy while Cosette is and Cosette cannot be happy while Eponine is, because their goals occupy the same fulcrum (Marius) and they can’t both be on the same level at the same time.

Fanfiction has explored this a lot in modern AU but I wonder the kind of havoc that could have been wreaked had Cosette and Eponine met and become proper acquaintances. Their teenage personalities are two sides of the same coin. I’ve always been of the opinion that had they switched places as children Cosette would have ended up like Eponine and Eponine like Cosette. Because Eponine has the capacity for kindness within her, except that she doesn’t know how to use it selflessly; and Cosette has the same stubborn ruthlessness as Eponine, except that she is held back by convention and reduced to talking a lot in order to try and somehow glean information from Valjean or Marius.

“Now your work belongs to me. Play, my child.” This is the second (or third?) Myriel moment for Valjean. Cosette is a child, an innocent child, but her soul doesn’t need to be bought for god. As far as I can tell, for Hugo, children are always holy. Instead, he’s buying her work. But that makes sense. For Valjean, his soul needed to be bought for god because he had already lost it to sin and to evil and to doubt. Cosette still has hope; what she needs bought from her is suffering.

And here is where the parallel continues. Cosette up until now has been Valjean as we first met him: sullen, suffering, scared, dulled, close to becoming “an idiot or a demon” and now, like Valjean’s soul, her work has been bought so she can be free.

I think it is within the walls of the convent that their parallels will catch up to each other and they will become more equal.

I feel as though the cat in a dress vs the sword in a dress must be some sort of parallel to Eponine and Cosette’s personalities but I’m not quite sure how to pull the meaning out.

“A little girl without a doll is almost as unfortunate and just as impossible as a woman without children.” Ugh. Gross, Hugo. This whole chapter was so lovely and then this misogynist bullshit.

I can explain the “water on her brain” line! Mostly because it’s a medical condition I actually have! So, “water on the brain” is another term for hydrocephalus, which is a buildup of cerebrospinal fluid in the ventricles of the brain. It can be caused by being born prematurely (like mine was) or by infections/head trauma. Nowadays they can put a shunt in your head that pumps the fluid into the abdominal cavity (which is what I have), but obviously they didn’t have the technology back then. So what happens to the head if the fluid doesn’t drain, is the head will start to increase in size, and the fluid buildup will squish the brain against the sides of the skull, causing seizures and brain damage/intellectual disabilities and vision problems and other such things. I function perfectly fine except for mild dyscalculia and ADHD (which might have been genetic anyway) but back in the 19th century hydrocephalus probably would have resulted in either mild-to-severe disabilities or death.

Cosette doesn’t have hydrocephalus, but what she does have is severe malnutrition, which can make a person’s head look much too large for their body. So Mme Thenardier is likely using Cosette’s appearance due to neglect to fake that she has a neurological problem and explain why they have to “take care of” her.

Jesus fucking christ this next bit is so much. There’s so much going on. Mme Thenardier is talking to Valjean about Cosette’s mother, the drinkers are singing vulgar songs about the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus, and Cosette is under the table singing “My mother is dead.” to herself. Woof. It is, yet again, an instance of the memory of “Fantine” (in the symbolic, saintly form of the Virgin) being sullied both by the foul songs of the drinkers and the callous, flippant commentary of Mme Thenardier. And Cosette is there under the table, staring at the fire, suddenly playing the role of her own mother, rocking the sword-baby (herself) to try and comfort herself from the shock of this new knowledge that her mother is dead.

(Anyone else read As I Laying Dying, by the way? All I could think of when I read that line was “My mother is a fish.”)

We start to see Cosette’s bold personality come out in fits and starts. She’s brave enough to sneak out and grab the doll Eponine and Azelma have abandoned. But it’s also an example of how desperate she is for something pleasurable and good, considering she’s doing that at the risk of a beating.

For the second time, we see Cosette so absorbed in her moment of “I Want” that she doesn’t see or hear anything else. Again, this seems unusual considering her constant hypervigilance. But her success in getting the doll and her increased confidence due to Valjean’s presence probably have something to do with her lack of awareness.

Cosette is caught with the doll. Is this the parallel of Valjean being caught with Myriel’s silver? Mme Thenardier says “That beggar has dared to touch the children’s doll.” The gendarmes don’t say as much when they return Valjean to Myriel, but it’s pretty obvious they’re thinking something similar.

“We are forced to add that at that moment she stuck out her tongue.” COSETTE IS SO CUTE I LOVE HER SO MUCH SHE DESERVES THE WORLD. Also I just love the way Hugo writes children, it’s so real.

Why did Hugo choose Catherine for the name of the doll? Is it to do with St Catherine? She (the saint) became Christian at 14 and converted hundreds of people before being martyred at 18 after rebuking the Roman emperor for his cruelty and winning a debate with his best philosophers.

“This solitary man, so poorly dressed, who took five-franc pieces from his pocket so easily and lavished gigantic dolls on little brats in wooden clogs, was certainly a magnificent and formidable individual.” Valjean is now Myriel. Outsiders are fascinated by him because he dresses so shabbily and yet is so benevolent and charitable with his money. Again, the difference is that Myriel’s name is always known, and Valjean’s is never known.

I know I say this so often but the distance with which Hugo treats Valjean is absolutely fascinating to me. Valjean has this incredible power to just go inside himself and not move, but we never get that kind if internality unless it’s really really important (like with the Champmathieu affair). Otherwise, Hugo keeps a respectful distance, and even when we get Valjean’s emotions described to us, I feel like Hugo is always holding back a little, like he’s not letting himself see all the way into Valjean, or Valjean isn’t letting him in.

Valjean asks for a stable; I think this is the first time we see his whole thing about sacrifice of physical comfort. Things like this asking for the stable and sleeping in the shed behind the house at Rue Plumet and not having chairs and only eating black bread etc. This is the first example we see of him feeling unworthy of physical comforts to such a degree.

(It’s interesting to me that we don’t see this characteristic when he was mayor, or at least not to this extreme. Is it because it would be unbecoming of a mayor and therefore would blow his cover? Or did going back to prison hammer in that feeling of worthlessness and lesser-than and warp his perception of what he is compared to others?)

“What a sublime, sweet thing is hope in a child who has never known anything but its opposite!” We’ve said this already, but Cosette is full of hope and life and light and that is Important because it is exactly what Valjean did not have when he was in her position. But it means that she doesn’t have to work as hard in her ascent towards happiness and goodness.

And, lastly, I love that the placement of the gold Louis in Cosette’s shoe isn’t just a sweet Christmas gesture or a gesture towards Cosette: it’s also an echo of M Madeleine breaking into houses to place gold pieces on the table.

Wow. Long af post for a long af chapter. Congratulations if you read through all of my rambling thoughts.

#les miserables meta #les miserables #brickclub #lm 2.3.8 #les mis #les mis meta #doing this chapter melted my brain a little

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sadselfhelp · 3 years

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Who I Am, And Why I Created This Blog.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Violence, Drug Overdose, Suicide, Psychotic Breaks.

Take a walk with me, let me show you around the mind of The Sad Hatter.

There's a lot going on in my head right now, and I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I'm standing on a cliff's edge and I'm either going to plummet or I'm going to fly. It's been building inside me for a long time, and I can't contain it anymore. So here it is, here's me laid bare, because I need to say this, I need to put it into words. I need to purge it all. To try and make sense of all of this shit in my brain, I think it's time I organize it. I don't know where to begin, but I guess I start at the beginning and make use of the ability to edit.

Before you read this, please be aware of the trigger warnings. And please understand that this is the most honest and open I have been, I really am stripped bare in this piece of writing. It’s not at all pretty, and am I not guiltless in parts. This may well alter whatever opinion you have of me.

I guess the beginning is birth, right? But I don't want to rehash all that trauma, so let me speed through it. Twenty-Eight years ago I was born, violently. I'm serious, I ripped my way out of the womb, and tore that thing apart. I guess I can sort of understand why my mother couldn't love me after that was my first act, collapsing her womb. So let me speedrun this part of the story. Mum didn't want me, gave me to my dad who raised me as a single parent with the help of his parents, until he met my stepmother. Shockingly, she didn't want me either, but because she couldn't get rid of me she decided to physical and psychological torture was the next best thing.

When I was eleven years old I snapped and didn't want to put up with it anymore, so I wrote a goodbye note and then snuck into the medicine cabinet and took a bunch of pills. Spoiler alert, I didn't die. I did however end up in a children's home, cue more abuse, little bit of bullying and sexual assault etc.... I snapped again, but instead of turning my anger inwards, I became an absolute bastard. Ok, I still turned it inwards a bit, I had a lot of anger, and now I have a few hundred scars to prove it. But, it turns out that violence can beget violence, and I acted out in every possible way. Racked up a horrifying rap sheet, assault, vandalism, arson, and finally... GBH. I was supposed to get put in a secure unit (child prison – Scottish Edition) but I was always able to talk myself out of trouble.

See, I was this tiny little white girl with big sad eyes and a hell of a sob story, even at the bottom of the food chain I still had privilege. So instead of getting locked up, I just got sent to a different home. And here's the really messed up part, this home was better. The staff were nicer, and nobody hurt me. My behavior literally changed overnight. I went from being charged by the police on a weekly basis, to never getting so much as a pocket money sanction. I will never excuse my actions, nor condone them, but after years of guilt I finally realized that the bad things I did were in retaliation to a bad situation, and though I wasn’t acting like a good person, I’m not a bad person, just a messed up one.

I still refused to go to school though, because though I didn't yet know it at the time, I had severe social anxiety. I was smart, a little too smart to be honest, and I found myself thriving with a private tutor. When the time came to sit my exams, someone fucked up, and despite having record breaking test scores on the pre-exams, I never actually got to sit my standard grades (think SAT's – Scottish Edition). I'm still bitter about that. So by this point in the story, I'm 16, and legally an adult, too old for a children's home. I got turfed to a hostel, and the next few parts of the story are pretty fuzzy to me.

This is where my mental health really started to deteriorate. I bounced between homeless hostels and B&B's for a year or so, until I got a my first flat/apartment. By that point, I was utterly fucked in the head. I was blacking out frequently, for anywhere between a couple of minutes to three days. I would come back to myself in sometimes compromising positions, and once there was blood. A lot of blood, splashed all over the walls. Then there was the time I suddenly found myself standing in the kitchen, about to plunge a knife into my own chest.

Nobody ever did tell me what the hell that was about. Or maybe they did and I just... forgot? But because I was extremely suicidal, a doctor finally decided to do something, and the police and the paramedics came to my door to take me to the psychiatric hospital. I spent ten months there while I cycled through various anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and was 'rehabilitated into society'. The second I was out, I made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. If I can give you one piece of advice, one lesson to take from my shitshow of a life, it's this: Don't move hundreds of miles away to be with the guy you met online while you were having a psychotic break.

I've never really thought of myself as a victim, but I guess I'm the only one who saw it that way. Ben, that was his name, Ben was a monster, and I didn't know it until it was too late. He never hit me, never lifted a hand to me, he never had to. He could put a knife in my hand and make me hurt myself for his entertainment. I had told him everything, so he knew exactly how to break me down, how to make me want to bleed. He locked me in a house and used me up. And when I had enough, and tried to break free of him, he would just tell the police I was mentally ill and they would smile sympathetically and give me back to him.

But then my dad had a breakdown. My dad, who when he found out what my stepmother was doing to me, buried his head in the sand and packed my little suitcase for me. I hadn't spoken to him in a while until he reached out from the same psychiatric ward I had not long vacated. He had cracked under the realization that I had never lied about her, and the guilt broke him apart. I could have hated him, if it had happened a few years earlier then I would have. But I had experienced enough of the world to learn a few things, like how easily it is to fuck up, and that no matter how strong you are, you aren't immune to monsters. The truth was he was as much a victim of her evil as I was. She had manipulated him, played with his head, used his insecurities against him. So I helped him through his issues, the way I wished someone had helped me. That doesn't really make me a good person, it just makes me human.

But my dad got better, and found his footing. And when he did, he realized something wasn't right with me, and I told him the truth about Ben. My dad had left me to suffer at the hands of an abuser once before, and he wasn't going to allow it to happen again. He came and got me, and he took me home. He moved me in with him, gave me his bed and slept on the couch. After a couple of months, he helped me get my own place.

And that's the happy ending, right? All the trauma was over, I was safe, that's where the story should end. Right? I bet you're not naive enough to believe that, but I sure as hell was. I thought I would recover and that everything would be ok. I thought that with safety, there would come the chance to heal. I thought my wounds would scab over, and I would have my scars but at least I would be able to move without bleeding out. But that's not how trauma works. I had two decades worth of trauma, abuse, and hell.

I just... faded. I didn't crack, I didn't crumble, I didn't break, I just stopped. For five years I sat in one room of my home, drowning inside myself. Last year I got handed a lifeline, and now I live somewhere better. I'm not really allowed to live independently so I actually live in kind of retirement village of all places. I have my own house, but it's got intercoms and emergency cords everywhere, I get checked on daily by on on-site worker. And I'm trying to get better, I really am. It's just not that easy.

There's more to the whole story that I maybe should have put in, like the fact that my mother was a drug addict when she was pregnant with me, and that may have been the reason some of my organs didn't properly form and/or formed wrong. My lung split in half when I was a baby, and parts of my stomach are missing. Or that my mother is full on batshit insane. I could have had a perfect childhood and I still would have been mentally ill. Hell, I was seeing psychologists at five years old. Take my sketchy genetics, add twenty years of severe traumas, and well... I'm a little fucked up. Because a lot of medical conditions use acronyms, my full list of diagnosis looks like I'm collecting the fucking alphabet.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Agoraphobia. I also have a Pulmonary Sequestration, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, the stomach and lung issues. Immune Hemolytic Anemia, I'm basically allergic to my own blood. Plus, ya know, my liver recently decided to just fucking nope out, the pissy lil bitch is failing. I also may or may not have cancer, I don't know because I pussied out of the tests. At this point I am a walking, decaying corpse that is held together by glitter glue and bitterness.

So... why exactly am I writing this? And why am I even considering posting this? I mean, my problems aren't as bad as some other people's. We've all got shit to deal with, especially in 2020. The whole world is falling apart, so what right do I have to sit here pouting and pouring my problems out? Well, for a start, I guess this is my blog, I can post whatever, and it's up to everyone else if they read it.

So here it is, you have the backstory, so here's what it's all been leading up to.

I'm struggling. Like, really struggling. I'm stuck on this cliff, and I want off, any way I can. Whether I fall or fly, I just want free. I can't live like this anymore, because I can't breathe.

The fucking agonizing duality of being socially anxious and too easily overstimulated, and yet feeling fucking empty inside if you're not surrounded by action and noise. The world is too noisy for my brain, but my brain is too noisy for the world. I get antsy if I'm not doing at least a thousand different tasks, but I get overwhelmed if I try to do anything at all. It leads to short bursts of mania, followed by weeks of depression. But underneath all of that, under all the dramatic showboating, and the dark humor, under all the bravado... I'm really just sad.

Years ago, when I first came up with the moniker "The Sad Hatter", I said it was because I may be mad, but my madness was born of sadness. I'm just sad. I carry it with me where my heart should be. So I named myself Sad, and I put on the hat, and I wore my sadness like armor, turned it into an act, and made a spectacle of it. "I'm The Sad Hatter, and I'm mentally ill but that's alright, I'm going to be just fine!" I told you all I had my issues, and I'll come close to opening up about how bad those issues are, I'll give little chunks of information at intermittent intervals, and then two hours later I'll act like it never happened. I'll admit I was close to killing myself, and then two days later I'll post dog photo's and act like I'm all better.

I'm writing this because I'm sad. And tomorrow, I'll act like I'm not. But when I waver again, I'll come back here and I'll open up again. And along the way, maybe you're reading this and realizing you aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you're realizing you're not the only one who isn't healing neatly and in a timely manner. Maybe you're reading this and gaining some insight into the struggles someone you care about is facing. Maybe my opening up is can help somebody else, I really hope so, but I know it's helping one person. It's helping me.

This blog, it's about living with myself. It's about living with The Sad Hatter.

#trigger warnings #mental health #anxiety #borderline personality disorder #adhd #domestic abuse #child abuse #self harm #violence #just all the trigger warnings

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uncloseted · 3 years

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I know you arent a doctor so sorry if you cant answer this. But I feel like whenever I look into people's experiences with SSRIs/antidepressants, SO many people say not to do it and that the side effects are worse than the depression itself. I don't know these people ofc, but it seems like people who haven't taken them and are just listing side effects they heard of. And then I see people who have actually taken it saying it helped them deeply. Like what? Why are some people so against them?

It's all good! I'm happy to answer. So I think there are a few different groups of people that are very vocal about anti-depressants online.

The first group is people who have taken SSRIs before and had a bad experience. In general, people who have had a negative experience with a product or service are more likely to write about it online than people who have had a neutral or good experience with a product or a service, and I think this is especially true when it comes to medications. SSRIs are one of the most commonly prescribed medications, in part because they typically don't have many side effects and because they can treat a wide variety of conditions. That said, they can have side effects that are serious, especially in children and adolescents. If you're someone who's had a negative side effect, hearing that SSRIs are one of the most commonly prescribed medications might be alarming, so I can see why some people might feel the need to take it upon themselves to "educate" others about the "dangers" of SSRIs. It's also worth noting that it can take a couple of tries before finding the medication and does that work for you, and so some of the negative experiences may be from people who tried one SSRI at one dosage, decided the whole thing wasn't going to work for them, and stopped entirely. On the flip side, if you're someone that's had a positive experience with SSRIs, you're unlikely to talk about it because there's a stigma against both mental illness and SSRIs. You don't want to admit that mental illness is something you're struggling with or that you take medication to help it. Negative stories also stick with us more than positive ones, which may contribute to the feeling that there's an overwhelming number of negative stories about SSRIs but not a lot of positive ones.

The second group is people who haven't actually taken SSRIs themselves, but who are anti-psychiatry. There are lots of different reasons why people are anti-psychiatry, but none of them are worth taking seriously. Some are anti-medication in general, usually because it's "not natural", because they don't want to be "dependent" on a medication to live, or a similar argument. These are silly arguments to me. We do all sorts of things every day that "aren't natural" (driving in cars, using computers, wearing glasses). And SSRIs are typically a short-term prescription to help a person recover from a depressive episode, not a life-long medication. But even for people who do take it their entire lives... we're okay with people being "dependent" on other life-saving medication. Way fewer people accuse people with diabetes of being "dependent" on insulin.

Other people are against psychiatric medication specifically, generally because they think it's kind of like "cheating" at life. This argument is usually something like, "I was depressed and I got over it without medication, why can't you?" or "in my day, we weren't so soft that we needed medication for being sad", or "happiness is earned, you can't take the easy way out". There's a lot to say about those people, especially in the context of the US's "pull yourself up by your bootstraps," Cultural Calvinism, hypercapitalist society, but this isn't really the place for it. These people are dumb, and I feel like they're the same people who uphold hazing rituals or are against forgiving student loan debt because "I had to go through it, so should you". It's a good thing if you can lead a happier, healthier, and more productive life with less effort.

There's also a group of people who thinks that "big Pharma" is using antidepressants to "make us all compliant sheeple" or whatever, making it seem like SSRIs are the new lobotomy. Those people are typically conspiracy theorists and not to be taken seriously.

That said, there are real considerations to take into account when starting an anti-depressant, and especially an SSRI. A meta-anlaysis published in the Journal of Clinical Epidemiology found that 79% of study authors had a pharmaceutical industry link of some sort, and that positive outcomes were more likely to be published than negative ones. That can make it difficult to know exactly how effective SSRIs are in the treatment of depression.

If you have a history of bipolar episodes or suicidal ideation, SSRIs may make those problems worse. Other medical conditions (hypothyroidism, metabolic disturbance, infections, chronic diseases, hypogonadism) and mental health issues (ADHD, eating disorders, personality disorders) may present with symptoms of depression, but need a different approach to treatment, so it's important to be properly assessed.

If you're in a life situation that's causing you distress, making a change may be more effective than starting medication, and I think there's something to be said for the idea that the modern world isn't really designed to promote mental health. Studies generally find that lifestyle changes, such as physical exercise, are more effective than medication in the treatment of mild to moderate depression in most people. Talk therapy can be as effective as medications in mild cases of depression, especially when you have a good relationship with your therapist.

Anti-depressants can and do work, and if you're struggling with depression, they can be an excellent tool in helping you to recover. There's nothing wrong with taking a medication that can help you live a more fulfilling life. But they're not the best solution for everybody, so it's important to assess your situation and your options before trying them, and it's important to view finding the right anti-depressant for you as a journey instead of a quick fix.

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spookybreadstick · 3 years

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Hello! Congrats on 100 followers!anyways im requesting a premium matchup.

- I'm nonbinary (vae/vaer/xe/xem/they/then)

- Demisexual Omni

- I like to read, write, draw, and generally do those sorts of creative things

-I definitely don't like being forced to talk, have physical contact with other people, and move around, it kinda just makes me almost crash except im on edge and paranoid but nothing's processing

-Personality type is INTP-T

-Sun Sign is Pisces, Moon Sign is Gemini, and my ascendant is a Leo

-I'm fairly tall, 5 feet 9 inches (175.26 centimeters) to be exact

-I'm very pale and skinny

-I have naturally red hair, on the darker side, it's think and wavy

-It may possibly be in a grown out mullet to but who knows?

-I have blue/green/grey eyes that almost always have bag under

-My style is kinda just button down, flannels, plaids, turtlenecks, tank tops, hoodies, sweaters, trenchcoat (i have this one dark purple one that i love), vests, wide brimmed hats, bennies, jeans, skirts, knee high and thigh high socks, and boots

-My love language is Quality Time

-No gender preference

-Blacklist: Jeff the Killer, Ben, Toby or any of the slender brothers

-Extra info:

-ADHD, anxiety, and insomnia (on meds for all of them)

-I need reminders to take our meds, eat, use the bathroom, generally anything thats just basic hygine or health

-We have a hard time showing affection and empathy

-I've been told i have a bit of a resting bitch face

-I tend to bottle up emotions

-I'm semi-verbal and not big on physical contact (though I do like late night cuddles and kisses)

-I don't like people, I'm generally not good with them

-I have some motor tics

-If I have a panic attack it tends to trigger a tic attack if I'm able to calm down quickly (like.. less then five minutes)

-I like most music other than country and christian

-I tend to overwork myself alot (Without doing anything most of the time)

-I love stargazing and watching stars

-Driving around in the woods late at night? love it

-I also find bathing together romantic for some reason

-If I'm scared, or freak out or something bad happens; generally just if my brain goes from clam or really any feelings to panic then my brain kinda forces us to dissociate and it blocks out what happened

-I also don't move when that happens

-Random stim is just softly blowing air through my mouth

-One of my tics is well I'll put my arms over my head, my forearms pressed up against the back for my head and the top of my head tilted towards my knees and if i try to move my leg just twitchs (its whacked me in the head a few times) it usually last a minute or two

-Oh yeah my name is Ares (like the god of War)

Anyways hope thats enough info for you 😘 love ya breadstick/p hope you have a good day

you sent this in twice (no worries) but basically had the same information so i just combined them both into one! :) hope that’s okay!

few things about your ask i’d like to mention: a) this was so hard, i was so torn between two of the pastas but in the end I picked EJ although really it could have been either of the two tbh b) i like reading and writing too! c) i’ve always thought that red hair is so beautiful c) my ascendant is Leo as well! d) you’re like the third or fourth person i’ve done a match-up for that has a mullet look going on! you all should start a club or something lol! e) i’ve been told i have resting sad/stressed out face. like i’ll be totally calm but apparently i just look nervous or upset? f) that name is so cool omg!

💝💝💝 I Match You With: EJ!

Similar Likes: reading (or in his case, being read to), listening to music, drawing (he used to anyway and he still likes to doodle),

Similar Dislikes: being forced to talk to or interact with people, physical touch when it’s not wanted,

Why You'd Make A Good Match: EJ needs somebody who’s a romantic type like you to get him to open up to people and to realize that he’s somebody worth loving. Being with you makes him actually enjoy his life. In return, you get a caring and protective boyfriend. He will always be sure to remind you to take care of yourself (he’s especially on top of your medications, because he keeps them in a special little pill box in his ‘office’). He can’t cook for you unfortunately, but he will always remind you when it’s time to eat. And for times when you’re non or semi verbal, he will become shockingly good at guessing what you need or want. At the start, it will be rough to convey what you’re ‘saying’ since he can’t see you very well, but he is a fast learner and will pick up on your own little ‘language’.

Potential Relationship Clashes: Just as you can rely on EJ for your needs, there are some things that he will have to rely on you for. He will sometimes need you to be his eyes, and to help him with simple tasks that require more of his sight than he has. EJ’s pretty good about handling himself, but he will sometimes need a helping hand and as his partner he would like you to be the one to do it but he also doesn’t want to stress you out. Also, just a minor thing, but if you’re stimming or ticcing then you’ll have to let him know (in the beginning at least, before gets properly accustomed to your sounds and sudden movements) so he doesn’t get confused about what’s happening.

What He Loves The Most About You: EJ loves just being with you because you make him happy. You also give him purpose and make him feel good about himself, that he can take care of somebody and love them (thus making him definitely not the monster he fears he is, because monsters don’t know how to love). You just make him happy, and he hopes he makes you feel the same.

#💝#this-person-who-does-stuff #Matchup #creepypasta matchups #Matchups #EJ #ej creepypasta #💝 matchups #spookybreadstick

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lennox-levin-little-lilith-did · 4 years

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Hello people who follow me

For people who haven’t been following my blog all that much, I have Dissociative Identity Disoder, more commonly known as Spilt Personality, or Multiple Personality Disoder (which it’s no longer called this, the shortened version is DID)

DID is a disordercharacterized by the presence of two or more distinct personality states. A reaction to trauma as a way to help a person avoid bad memories.

Symptoms are;

Behavioral: impulsivity, self-destructive behavior, or self-harm (check, check, and check)

Mood: anxiety, feeling detached from self, or mood swings (check, check, and check)

Psychological: altered consciousness, depression, or flashback (check, check, and check)

Also common: amnesia or blackout (huge check)

Let’s start this my early childhood-

I never had a dad, he was in and out of my life constantly. So I was always looking for a father figure.

It didn’t help my mom was hopping from man to man at the time.

However I had one man in my life that never left and loved me like his own. That man was my uncle. I loved him so much, I still do, but by no means was he a good role model. He was in to drugs, never took his medication, and I think was in a gang (that if he hung out with some really bad people). One memory I have of him is him letting me help him make a roll (weed roll) when I was three or four.

I had a been diagnosed with ADHD by the time I was five. It was severe when I was younger, I couldn’t sit still or focus on anything, including school.

Anyways, one day, I come home from school, like any other day. I was happy because my grandmother had picked me up and said she would be staying with me for a while. (Mind you, this is what I’ve been told, I have zero recollection of this month). I come home to strange people and cars around my home, but I go about my greetings as usual. My mom had a boyfriend at this point, his name was Angel, he was nice (we’ll get back to him later). I was told to stay in my room with my kitten, Ella (yes the same cat I talk about to this day) and my dog, Sassy. My grandmother would come in to make I was okay, which I was. The next day was even weirder, a lady in a police uniform watched me get dressed for the day. My teachers treated me differently and I had to leave school early. I was confused, I also hadn’t seen my uncle in two days without communication. I was asked multiple questions about my uncle and I answered them honestly. I later learned that he had buried a woman’s body, had he killed her or not is a mystery as there was someone else with him that day he buried her.

My uncle had schizophrenia, and he had just revealed to me that he had an episode when everything was happening and he was off his meds.

We had moved in December of that year due to people screaming slurs at me whenever I went outside. I don’t remember this, again I have no recollection of that month.

I developed severe emotional issues, including bottling things up and exploding in violent outburst. My ADHD made it hard to focus on schoolwork, specifically reading. I alway spaced out while reading, and heard a small distracting voice, telling me to play with my stuffed animals or watch TV (I didn’t tell my mom this and I still haven’t). My mom didn’t understand why I was like this. She thought I was acting out for attention. So first through third grade I suffered and started to hate school. I started to hate my classmates. So I started to let that little voice speak for me. Eventually I started blacking out during school.

I didn’t know this wasn’t normal.

I didn’t know that when my mom asked what did I do at school, she thought I just didn’t want to talk about school.

Time skip to sixth grade (the worst year of my entire life)-

I was eleven at the time. I had friends, I was a social butterfly. Yeah, sure I had people I didn’t like, but I didn’t let them effect me.

Until November 29, 2016 (yes I remember the exact date)

The weekend before I had slept over at my bestie’s house, then I went home because I had 4-H on Sunday. I got my phone taken away Sunday night because my ‘friend’ wouldn’t stop texting me. I saw on my google docs I had a new document, shared with my teachers. It was nice, complimenting them on their teaching skills. But I didn’t write it. It wasn’t my typing style.

I went to school on Monday like any other day, happy and cheerful. Around second period, I got called to the office. I was asked if I wrote the doc that was under my email. I said yes because it was nice, I didn’t think anything was wrong with it.

Boy, was I wrong... (holy shit I’m about to cry writing this)

I got called down a second time, this time my principal was saying I hacked into others school accounts and wrote a threatening letter on google docs under another student’s account. I started to deny that I wrote anything, that I thought the doc was written on a spur of the moment.

The third time I was called down, it was with my best friend, Angie. We both didn’t know what was going on and denied any and all accusations.

The fourth and final time I was called down was at the end of the day... my teachers were there. They wouldn’t listen... they didn’t care what I said... I was a sweet girl with dreams and passions. I loved my teachers with all my heart... it didn’t matter to them. Nothing mattered to them (here come the waterworks).

I said I did it to protect my friends from getting in trouble...

In the end, I got three days of in school suspension and a beating from my mom that I don’t remember.

The first day, they forgot I was there. I was in a little white room, with a chair and a desk. The social worker came in and asked me if I had really done it. I had a good relationship with her, I really liked her... I shouldn’t have trusted her.

The second day... the second day, the principal, vice principal, and social worker of the school came into the room and I was confused. Then the screaming started... the banging on the desk. They thought on Monday I had written another doc to my teachers, saying they didn’t scare me and they could go fuck themselves and I changed a student’s pfp to a bloody knife.

Then the principal came around behind me, still screaming her head off, and slammed her hands down on my shoulders and squeezed, hard, resulting in bruises later that day. After that, the little voice took over and started crying. Sobbing for them to leave us alone. They walked out leaving a broken child in their wake.

I had curled up under the desk and continued to cried, repeatedly saying, “I want to die, I don’t deserve to live...” the social worker came back in and tried to calm me down, but I looked at her and said I wanted to die. This was the first time of so many, that I had a suicidal thought.

211 services were called and I told them I felt bad about everything I’ve ever done, continuing the lie I’ve been dragged into. I can’t tell the truth... They wouldn’t believe me anyways... I had thought. I went home and stayed home for the rest of the week. That night I walked into my kitchen and opened my knife drawer and pulled out the biggest knife, mind completely blank. I gently slid it against my wrist, thinking about cutting. I didn’t. I put the knife away and went back to my room, empty. I felt lost, and like I was drowning.

A third voice slowly developed. It was a boy this time, he was sad and hated talking to others (I’ll get to my second voice development in a bit). He took over during school, all though I could think on my own and speak, he had main control. I had a mental breakdown later that week after my class had been too loud, I told my music teacher it was because I had sensitive hearing (which was part of the reason). I stayed hidden during recess, and I sat in the back of the lunchroom with people I didn’t like or know. My outbursts only got more violent and more frequent, to the point where I would push my mom and stepdad (remember Angel, yeah him), resulting in more beatings from my mom.

My aunt got a lawyer to extinguish the suspension from my permanent record. The lawyer didn’t want to help all that much because he thought I was hiding something, which I was, but I refused to tell. The suspension was extinguished and I was allowed to use the school computers again.

I went to a new school the next year and transferred to where I’m located now...

First-seventh grade (the second voice’s development)-

My stepdad (Angel) was nice the first year my mom dated him. Then everything started to change. He started coming home drunk. After my little brother was born, things only got worse (and no, I don’t blame my brother for the change, it was envitable). He started getting angry at my mom, and at me. He started calling me a bitch, a little shit, a mistake.

I started to have out of body experiences, whenever I violent towards him. Pushing him, slapping him, punching him, scratching him. One time he slapped my mom and my mom’s therapist called DCF on her. I’ve been told I had walked into the kitchen right when he slapped her. However I don’t remember, I just remember the feeling of uncontrollable rage spreading through my body.

I don’t remember there being a voice in the beginning, I remember being one place or doing one thing, get angry, and suddenly being somewhere else. Especially when Angel started calling me names.

Another time, right after my mom had carpal tunnel surgery, he left suddenly. I was in the basement reading and playing with my bunny at the time. I came back up when my mom started screaming for me. The front door was left wide open and my brother left in the living room. We had Max and Ella, it was the summer of 2016. My mom was hysterical, screaming at me, saying it was my fault he left, that everything was my fault. I left the house and stayed with my neighbors for an hour, waiting for my mom to calm down. I went back and was sent straight to my room. I remember being angry, so mad at myself for no reason. I hated myself. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression the next year.

There’s a shit ton of stories I could tell about Angel getting drunk or leaving the house and coming back drunk. I won’t. I’m not here to tell a sob story, I never will ask for pity. I’m telling you how small things to certain people can be huge to another. My mom didn’t think it affected my all that much, my therapists thought I didn’t need intense therapy despite everything. All because I didn’t know that hearing voices other than your own wasn’t normal.

I started looking up depression and anxiety to help manage it better, and stumbled upon an article about schizophrenia. I looked more into it and found out about DID when I was thirteen, two years ago. However I still didn’t tell anyone... I was scared.

I was a freak

I was unnatural

I had three voices, three other people, inside of me. They wanted control, they wanted a voice too. They became unbearable, and when I started high school, I broke.

I tried to kill myself. I started starving myself the previous school year and started cutting over that summer... I finally told someone about the voices but no one believed me, and still no does. They think I’m lying...

So I’m not diagnosed, but I know I have DID.

Who’s who-

Little was voice one- she’s a little, under the age of ten. Little isn’t her real name but I don’t want her name out there on the internet where people can manipulate her. She has ADHD and is incredibly hyper. This body doesn’t get much rest, so after someone else fronts, we usually have to sleep. She’s also a trauma holder, knowing what happened that month blackout. She has no interest in people romantically (obviously, she’s a child)

Lilith is angry blackout/voice two- she’s ageless, a prosecutor, and a secret keeper. She’s a trauma holder to the verbal and physical abuse I suffered when I was younger, really up until last year I was verbally abused by my mom. She has anger issues and severe mood swings. She rarely fronts, but when she does, Levi or I have to co-con with her so she doesn’t murder someone. She’s angry and is always aggressive towards me and Little. She leaves Levs out of her aggression though. Lilith is bisexual (no, not pan like I identify).

Levin/Levi/Lev(he goes by all of them however I prefer calling him Levi)- he has insomnia and major social anxiety. (Also is co-conscious with me rn) He’s apathetic and very neutral when it comes to opinions, but he’s humorous and super sarcastic when he’s comfortable. He’s a gatekeeper and he’s 18. He as food related anxiety, but no major eating disorders. He’s has no sexual desires, but is romantically attracted to girls.

Lennox(the writer of this)- they age with the body, so 15, and host/often front. They have social anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, and is the first alter, or first recognized alter. They are nonbinary and pansexual.

I’m going to start labeling who your talking to, or who’s out at the time, like this

-Lennox (Kay?)

Thank you for reading!

I’mma tag some people I think should see this-

@one-pissed-off-child @madame-ree @queenzie-xo @anon-nom-nom95 @liveto-100 @aleiakit @gogetyoselfsomesoup @nadia-saaaaan @mai-ki-000 @martinidrinkingmartin @scalybunnypapi69 @pumpkineiji @cristinaweeb @pikaweebo @siyarduous-lazyaf @reijishiki

And to lighten my mood and for giggles-

POWER WALK BEFORE YOUR LATE ZUZU!!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣

#tw suicude #tw self harm #dissociative identity disorder #this is me

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chiisai-fukurou · 4 years

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About my hiatus :)

Long time no see... It has been a while since I published an article here...

A lot has happened and I think I cannot look at my blog the same way I did... I’ve been to Japan again last December and it was wonderful. I’ve spent a lot of time helping my friends and a lot of time visiting a neurologist for some troubles I’ve had for as long as I could think. It took a lot of time off of my schedule that I had to work hard to get back.

For a long time I had to fight with that feeling of being alien and not being able to fit in. For as long as I could think a lot of things just went over my head and I couldn’t fathom some things that happened around me. I cannot share a lot of things people around me think and talk about. There has been this suspicion that I’m autistic for a long time now so last year I decided to bite the bullet and get an appointment for a diagnosis.

It took 7 month of waiting for me to get to my first appointment. I chose a reputable neurologist/psychologist because I’m not a fan of “I think I have XX and just need a doctor to sign the diagnosis I made myself.” because if you want to improve your situation an accurate assessment of your current status is kind of paramount. I had several, hours long appointments that were quite costly but to me it was worth the time and money I paid for it. It was a very interesting experience too. There is a lot of testing and there are a lot of questions being asked to make sure it isn't something else causing you these troubles. There are a lot of things that can cause similar symptoms that are not autism. So carefully getting to the bottom of things takes time and multiple appointments to make sure that a bad or a good day didn't impact the diagnosis. I had to get a MRT too to make sure it is not brain damage that is causing the symptoms. I’m happy to declare that my brain is okay :) I’m however impartial to the diagnosis of autism/Aspergers.

I’m very happy I did this. The diagnosis allows me to get adequate help should I need it and it helps me understand my surroundings a lot better. The neurologist had a great analogy for my situation too: Autists have a different operating system running their hardware. Stimuli get processed in a very different way and there is no filter or automation happening that could help you with even simple conversations... Hence the seeming inability of autistic people to do smalltalk... Imagine the hell that human interaction can be, having to think of every sentence you say because you cannot do it casually or automatically, not being able to read the mood, knowing that you disappointed or hurt people without any chance of preventing it in the future... To many people this sounds weird and like I’m not even trying... I’m and the Neurologist told me I’m really well adapted but there are limits to how well one can adjust. Basically “normal” people have a social autopilot that handles a lot of things for them and autistic people don’t. We can never really relax in a social event because we get battered with details that we can't filter out. It’s tiring and yet I wish it wouldn't be tiring... because I wish to share things with friends and people. It took some time to get things sorted and deal with this experience.

I’m fine and in some way I felt liberated and happy I finally know what is up.

I had to weed out some connections that caused me grief and think of many things that happened in the past. A lot of things make sense now :)

I had an accident too this year breaking my left arm (;_;) and some stuff on my bicycle... I had a strained neck too... the surgeon didn't want to believe how quickly my bones healed (°_°;) The crack that ran through 75% of my Ulna wasn't visible or detectable anymore after 3 weeks... The accident happened while I was riding at 40 km/h on my bicycle and touched a curb with the wheels... It happened after a long long day at work right when the whole COVID19 thing started to take off in Germany. I couldn’t get lunch at work and had spend the whole day on water with a empty tummy... I was tired, hungry and worn out. I just wanted to go home and didn't pay enough attention...

Anyway I’m fine now :) My bike is fine again too :)

However because of this a lot of tasks at work were piling up and when I came back I had to do a lot of stuff trying to get on top of things... Because I work at a company that makes medical devices the current situation kind of overwhelmed the company as well... basically we get as many orders per month as we used to get within a year... This is incredibly challenging as our suppliers often can't keep up with the demand but I’m very happy to report that everyone of them is doing their best to keep up and to stay on top of the whole situation :,) I’m happy i can do my small part in saving lives and I think that a company where people stick together and try to do their best in trying times is incredibly valuable :)

Last year, while travelling through Japan, I once again noticed how awful tourist spots have become (-_-) Japan is close to my heart and I like the country and its people a lot. Many tourists behave badly, not out of ill intent but out of ignorance... Japanese value quiet, peaceful and clean behaviour but a lot of tourists seem to be unable to behave this way... They litter, leave toilets behind that are disgusting, are rude, don’t pay attention and seem to think Japan is a theme park. I like this country and I’m saddened that other foreigners tarnish the image of visitors and are taking advantage of incredibly kind people who welcome you as a guest :,( I felt bad that I wrote all those articles that might have inspired this kind of people to go to Japan :,( I want this kind of people to stay at home. You're ruining it for everyone else. My friends cheered me up a lot. Still the sight of drunken tourists puking on Takao-San in Tokyo or yelling loudly in a group at a shrine, throwing their cigarets and garbage on the streets in Kyoto, running through the streets while yelling or necessitating the fencing in of neighbourhood shrines because some dippshit thought it would be fun to put graffiti on them makes me incredibly sad. I’m sorry for the negativity but this has been troubling me a lot.

I received some questionable messages too... I’m a guy but some people seemed to assume that I’m a Japanese girl for some reason...

Anyway I kind of came to terms with things and will start writing again.

I hope people will become more respectful over time :)

I’m sorry for the rant I put in this article m(_ _)m I felt like I had to get it off of my chest because this has been bothering me a lot.

P.S. if you think autism is caused by vaccines, being autistic is better than being dead or to suffer from the consequences of an otherwise preventable disease. You do not “get” autism, one of the conditions that has to be met to get a diagnosis is that you had to have symptoms right from the start. Things that can cause similar symptoms are brain damage, PTSD, ADHD (you are born with that too and cannot get it) and certain medications. These however are different from autism in that they have to be treated differently. Hence the focus during diagnosis on making sure not to diagnose one of the other things as autism. I showed symptoms for as long as I can think back.

I hope you’ll forgive me for my long absence and won't change your attitude towards me :)

I’m still me albeit more confident and accepting of myself since I don't need to pester myself with questions like “why didn't i understand that.”, “Why can't I do that?”, etc. :)

Thank you to everyone who read through all of this :) I wish you a great time with sweet daydreams (^-^)/

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nessaiscute · 3 years

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A high school confession

AN: This is an experiment might make a bigger thing bout of this also its time for some fluff

“Try not to embarrass yourself.” Stated Mab as I left the Castle.

Same old bs, never a ‘good luck’, or, ‘do your best.’ Always about the kingdom and my eventual inheritance, I will rule the Ice court, I will make descions that will affect millions of people. Knights will depend on me, servants will want guidance. Other courts will want to challenge me. Seems…. A lot for someone like me. A teenage fairy, but it is the life I have to lead once i graduate. But thats not till a long time down the road at least a year.

I got on the carriage and we went to the human world, to the high school I attend.

The carriage pulled up to Fallbrook high school, not too bad of a school. I mean we have our bully issues and teachers don’t really care but we don’t have to worry about Gangs. The leaders of the nevenever make sure of that. It's a red brick building with a flagpole in the middle.When I got out of the carriage, I was greeted by a red haired boy. A summer fairy but a treasured one.

“Hey ice boy. Have you seen the princess?”

My nerves were instantly shot, “Do you not know where she is?”

“I… I saw her at breakfast but then i heard a welp and she vanished.”

Son of a bitch!!

I bolted straight into the building, people moving out of my way as I bulldoze into hall, Puck going after me.

“Ice boy! Slow down! You don’t know if shes in trouble!”

But I did, i knew exactly what happened. I knew that she was hurting her. I swer this time I’ll kill that freak!

My heart was beating faster then I thought it ever could, why am I reacting this way? Its not like this is the first time its happened. But I could barely keep track of her glamour, It was getting weaker and weaker. Gods no, please if there is any beings of higher power out there protect her. Please protect her…

Sure enough As i turned to the gym, a Black teeanger had blonde teenager in a choke hold. The blonde teeanger had tears forming in her eyes, my rage erupting like a volcano. My ice glamour exploded freezing everything around The black teeanger, she stepped on ice and fell on her butt letting the blonde go.

“Meghan!” I shouted and rushed towards her.

Meghan fell to the ground and I caught her, i scooped up her fragile body in my arms.

“Meghan! Talk to me!”

I heard a growl from behind me and Puck sheriked as I felt a fist lunge at me.

I tanked the blow, everyone told me stories bout Tyras monster strength. Gangers won’t mess with her cause of how scary she is. But she didn’t impress me, her punch hurt but it was nothing I haven’t handled before. I shot an ice spike to get her to jump in the air. Tyra landed gracecfully on the ground.

“I’ve had enough of you getting in my way of beating retard!” Tyra snarled.

I told Puck to come over he did, I handed him Meghan and told the two to get out of here. They left. But by this point a crowd had gathered.

“Tyras gonna fight the ice prince!” Said a student.

“No, Tyras gona destory the ice prince. No one can handle Tyra.” Said a teacher.

Tyra cracked her knuckles grinning, “I’ve been looking forward to this, youre hot but youre too nice. Im going to fix that.”

“Is that right?” I smirked.

I slowly walked around, in a slow mocking matter. Bending my knee, her brown eyes glaring at me. People asked what I was doing, I walked around her slowly. Finally she shouted and lunged

I blocked her punch and pushed her off me, I did not strike her. She got ready for another punch, and she went through with her attack, this time she missed. I leaned out of the way, Tyra tried to bear hug me but I slide under her.

“FIGHT ME!!” Tyra roared.

Suddenly an ice blast froze Tyra solid, I looked around and there was the principle. He glared at me.

“Mr. Johnson?” I asked surprised.

“What happened young man!” Mr. Johnson snapped.

“Tyra attacked Meghan Chase sir,”I replied, “I was defending my friend.”

Mr Johnson was trained by my mom to use Ice glamour, he takes no crap from any of the students and hes very strict. He puffed and singled for a cop.

“Take Miss Tyra away she will be expelled if Ash is…”

Suddenly Mr. Johnson’s phone rang, it was the nurse.

“What is it miss bells?”

“What? Miss Chase is unconscious?”

Everyone gulped.

“Everyone get to class! NOW!”

We all scattered.

I went straight to home room, I was sure I was going to get jumped Tyra was very popular. I know people were going to be pissed. In fact I got sneers and glares as I walked through the halls. I expected someone to try and deck me.

But I was greeted by Puck, who looked sad.

“Hey, how is she?”

“She won’t wake up ice boy. They called in an ambulance.”

Darn it!

I patted Pucks shoulder, “She’s been through hell before, she’ll get out again.”

Puck touched my hand and smiled at me, “Youre right.”

We both sat down, and class started. It seemed like nothing changed, Meghan was gone but no one seemed to care. Meghan was a huge part of all of our classes too. The teacher didn’t seem to notice that no one was answering questions besides me. Its normally me and Meghan.

“The left index.” I answered.

“Very good Ash.” The teacher replied.

A student laughed, “Man, I can’t believe that rere was holding Ash back.”

Bile rose in my throat, Meghan has had mental illnesses for as long as I remember. Its been the number one reason for her being bullied.

“Meghan wasn’t holding back anything I-”

“Rere!” The student snapped, “Gods how long have you been here? Learn the terminology fairy!”

“Meghan is not a ‘rere’ or whatever you call her. She's just as important to this class as I am.”

“Ugh, what is she? your girlfriend or something??” The student yelled

Everyone gasped like he just dropped an F bomb.

The teacher jumped in, “Anthony leave Ash alone. Theres no way he would date Miss chase. Now lets get back to the lesson.”

The class went on without a hitch though that accusation never left my mind.

What is she? Your girlfriend or something?

Did I see Meghan like that? She's been my friend for as long as I remember. She's my best friend. I feel content when shes around, when we’re cuddling and I can feel her heartbeat. When we’re watching a movie, when I’m fighting off bullies for her. I even defied my mom to be her friend, it was the one argument I ever won against my mom. Even as a king I will never abandon Meghan, I’ll run away from the throne if I have to I-

Oh. I am in love with her.

The class ended and I was called to the nurse’s office. I power walked there, my heart racing as I opened the door…

“You’re late.” Greeted Meghan.

The smile ran across my face before I realized it, “It took forever to get out of class.”

She opened her arms and I took her in mine.

“When Tyra grabbed me that time….I thought it was over.” She sobbed.

“I took care of it. Shes expelled.”

“Isn’t that only going to make things worse?” Meghan asked.

“Nope.” The nurse shook her head, “The students have gotten a clear warning. Anything happens to you over her jail will be next. Now, I have lunch to grab, you two stay here.”

The nurse left and it was just me and Meghan, my heart going into over drive. I wanted to tell Meghan how I felt. That I’m in love with her, I sat down next to her.

“Did you sleep well last night?” Meghan asked.

I nodded.

“Are you okay?”

“I… I need to tell you something.”

Now or Never.

“What is it?”

I took a deep breathe gathering my thoughts, It was time to face this.

“I love you.”

The words didn’t register right away, she just said, “huh?”

“I really love you.” I repeated.

Meghan gasped, her eyes smacked with shock. Did I make a mistake?

She looked down, my heart was bout to fall into the depths of hell when she said, “Um…. Can you give me some time to think Ash? After school, meet me at the front gate. I’ll see you then.”

Meghan then ran away and I just went to class.

“Man youre lame.” Puck stated.

“Shut up Summer shit.” I snarled.

“Seriously that was the best you could come up with? Although I’m honestly shocked this didn’t happen sooner.”

“Whats that suppose to mean?” I asked.

“Ive known you both for bout 5 years and from the moment I met you… Ive had to deal with the soft stares and cuddling and couple fights. I remember when Tyra first started bullying her, and she cried that no one was going to care if she died. And You got really mad at her and you both started yelling until you screamed ‘if you died I’d rip out her heart myself’ and you both stared at each other mouths agape till I had to bring up the newest book coming out.”

Puck was right, although it was embarrassing to hear him bring up the past.

“So, were you joking?”

I swatted at him, “Of course I wasn’t!”

Puck Patted my head, “Good luck lover boy!”

He ran away before I could kill him.

I went to the front gate and Meghan was waiting for me.

“Hello Ash.” Meghan Greeted.

“Hey, Um, can I have your answer?”

My whole life hangs on this.

Meghan smiled softly, “I… was so happy when you told me. Thank you. But here is the thing…. I can’t believe you actually said it. and...I’m wondering if you made a bet with Michael. To see if it would be funny…. So i have to ask… were you joking?”

Tears were forming in her eyes when she asked if I was joking, what exactly do people take me for.

“No i meant it.”

“You… do know im not normal right??” Meghan asked shocked, “I’m not pretty like the other girls. I like dumb things and I can barely do anything right. And then there is the fact I'm on adhd medication. People will always judge me for that, I just doze off and I get mad quite easily; I annoy people very easily…. One of my favorite thing bout you is how patient you are with me. If…. we start dating that patience will be tested to its limit. You’ll have to deal with that stuff all the time. I… don’t want to be a pest to you.”

This foolish…

“You aren’t a pest Meghan!”

Meghan gasped and i kept going.

“Hell I love you doing those things, do them all the time. I don’t get those anime cartoons you watch nor do I understand shipping and all of that but I want to be with you every step of the way. As for your mental illness I love you, all of you, especially those parts. There's nothing you could do to make me lose my patience in you. Hell, I don't even consider it a test of patience. Being with you is a choice I make. I make it every day, and I’ll keep making it till the end of time.”

“Ash….” Meghan gasped, “Has anyone ever told you… that you're dangerous to a woman's heart.” her face was flushed.

“Do love me Meghan? Cause I can’t stand the thought of not being with you. I can do anything but losing you would destroy me.”

“Yes. I love you, Ash Please be my boyfriend.”

I walked towards her, took her face in my hands and kissed her. She coiled her arms around me and I crushed her to me. She was mine, Nothing will ever change that.

#fall fey #I randomly got inspired by rune factory #Meghan Chase #Ash Chase #high school au #should i expand on this #or does it suck?

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jordanrosenburg · 5 years

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Big Mouth Season 3 - Very Much Still Important

Review of Season 2 and 1 , major spoilers ahead

Alright, I finished watching season 3 the other day, and I have to say bravo to the writers, because they always manage to leave us wanting more. What truly awaits these pre-teens this summer? I’m happy that they’re done with seventh grade, but will the next season be about summer vacation, or will we get to see them go right into eighth grade? There’s been news of a spin off about the world the hormone monsters live in, will that be what holds us over until season 4?

Right from the first episode, I knew it was going to be a good season. The show continues to have a good balance between what is happening to both girls and boys at this age. I remember being in the seventh grade, and second guessing every single fashion choice I made. I didn’t really have a figure until ninth grade, but there were other girls that were already blossoming, and I felt self-conscious. Was I pretty enough? Am I frumpy? Is my hair too frizzy?

This season did another great job of showing not only what boys are going through at this age, but also the girls. Because the boys can’t control themselves, and because no one tells them to, the girls are forced into an absurd dress code by this scum bag:

I think we have all had a Mr. Lizer in our lives at some point. The guy who comes off as nice and caring is really just misogynistic and creepy. He mutters under his breath about he hates the girls, especially Jessi. Not to mention that he made Lola think the foot rub was all on her. At 13 of course she would think, how would she know any better? What he did was disgusting and wrong, and I’m glad he got fired.

I’m proud of the girls for taking their bodies back. It was brave of them to take a stand and show that the dress code was stupid. They may not have done it in the best way, but they still proved a point.

Nick and Andrew are a topic I’d like to discuss. We’ve know since season 1 that these boys have been best friends for a long time. We also know that they’ve been growing apart since season 1. Andrew was the first to go through the hormonal change, and Nick was left to catch up. In season 2 Nick went through three different hormone monsters while trying to figure things out with a girl he liked. Andrew stayed hung up on Missy, and somehow got involved with Lola, which just messed up everything else for him. He slowly started to realize that he was becoming a lot like his father. This season Nick got obsessed with his phone, and even though Andrew made many attempts to talk and hang out, he realized that Nick really is just a douchebag. They had their seasonal fight, and instead of becoming friends again, Andrew expressed how he really felt. Nick stopped being there for him. I don’t think Andrew is in the right, but he did recognize that their friendship had become toxic, and enough was enough.

The only time Nick was there for Andrew this season was when Andrew started to lust after his cousin. I’ll say it - that shit was messed up. I was grossed out that they went there, but this could be some real shit that boys go through, idk. And Nick kind of encouraged it and didn’t at the same time. The whole thing was weird.

Nick was wrestling with the fact that Jay was basically living in his house. That’s a major change to go through. He also betrayed Andrew by kissing Missy, and then lying about it. Andrew doesn’t own Missy, and she can do whatever she wants, but neither one of them thought about how the kiss would hurt the people around them. And then when Nick realized he didn’t like her like, he just cast her aside.

Missy went through a lot this season too. She finally got a hormone monstress.

Side note, did anyone else feel sad that Connie didn’t say bubble bath once this season? No one else? Okay, moving on. This new monstress pushes Missy out of her comfort zone. Missy is able to keep some of her boundaries, but something about acting in that play opened something up for her. I loved when her and Jay wrote the fan fiction together. I can’t remember when I first started reading fic, may have been in seventh or eighth grade, and I always thought it was weird thing for me to like. Then I had mentioned it to a friend in ninth grade, and she’s still my best friend ten years later! I was happy to see that Jay didn’t make Missy feel weird or ashamed. I wished we could’ve seen more of this new friendship. AND Missy was the one to get the uniforms disbanded by wearing her same old clothes. I hope she’s able to find a balance with her newfound self.

And poor Jay, he is one of the funniest characters on this show. You never know what he’s going to say, but it’s usually obscene. I lost it when he said something like, “my balls are going to shit”.

We get another close look at Jay’s home life. His family leaves him at home for spring break, and he tries to not let it bother him. He embraces Nick’s family, and becomes a better person by living with them. They discover that he has ADHD and just needed aderol. Unfortunately, Jay sells his medication to his friends, which makes him go back to the way he was. TAKE YOUR MEDS MY FRIENDS! Jay eventually goes back home, and shows what he can add to his family, and they finally accept him. Jay too also comes to terms with his sexuality, and discloses to everyone that he’s bisexual, and he’s okay with it. But no one takes him seriously. He has a heart to heart with the new girl Ali, who told everyone she was pansexual. I know Andrew Goldberg has apologized with how he went about this, but I’m just gonna say that Ali came on a little too strong. All sexualities and gender are valid, periodt.

Jay also called out his friends for fetishizing the fact that it’s “hot” that Ali likes everyone, but it’s not as cool when he comes out as bisexual. He felt hurt and unvalidated. We see you Jay!

Now it’s time for our girl Jessi.

This girl CANNOT catch a fucking break. I was happy to see her figure her body out. That can be straight up awkward, and it can make you want to give up. I love how they showed it with a water rapid, good use of metaphor. And she has been such a good friend to Matthew, covering for him with Adrian. But who is there for Jessi? At one point it was her, Andrew, and Nick, and one of them said, “At least we have each other. Virgins til college”. At that age I can see how that might be a bad thing, but I know a lot of people who were virgins in college. They didn’t graduate that way, but they came in that way. That was the most I saw of the three of them really interact this season. It’s crazy that these last three seasons are all things that happened over the course of a school year.

I need space to say, I am fucking done with Jessi’s mom. Jessi has been more than gracious with letting her mom become who she is. Shannon should be able to explore, and it’s okay that she got divorced, but she has not gone about anything in a good way, and now she’s just starting to be selfish. When Jessi hears her mother orgasm, is it hilarious for us as the audience, of course, but as a 13 year old girl, I would be so mad and mortified. Not only does Jessi have to deal with Shannon and Cantor Dina breaking up, but her dad has begun to see someone new, and now her mom wants to fucking move?! I would have been so pissed off. Again, Shannon should be able to live her life, but she has a young daughter. Couldn’t she wait to go to the city until Jessi is at least in high school? College? Why not let Greg move back in to live in the house with Jessi?

Jessi comes to terms with it at the end of the season, and I think that’s really big of her. I’ll be sad if she ends up getting uprooted. That damn depression kitty needs to leave her alone too. Not one of her friends bothered to check on her about it either, and Nick and Andrew knew she was depressed! That shit doesn’t just go away.

THE FAB FIVE

I was living, henny! I didn’t know which episode they would be in, but this was just amazing. I am so glad they all made voice cameos for this. JVN stole the show of course, and it was so funny to hear they all swear. When Bobby went off about how little the other guys do while he did a whole “fucking” room renovation??? HE WAS RIGHT AND HE SAID IT! And the bird noises Antoni made??? Incredible. Would have loved to see him shrieking into the microphone. I do think the funniest line was when JVN said, “the dumb ones pound the hardest, henny”. I fucking died. They really lightened the mood, and what a great redemption for coach Steve! I am so glad he got his job back.

There are many other things to get into with this season, but what I’d like to end on is that the kids really grew up. People don’t stay friends forever. I had friends in middle school that I did not stay friends with in high school. Even high school I didn’t keep the same friends. Obviously we want to see these kids make things work, but I still think it was very grown up of Andrew to tell Nick he forgave him but didn’t want to be friends anymore. I think when we’re kids we stay friends with people, or keep ourselves in certain situations because we want to be around cool people. I’m very curious to see where this show takes us in season 4. They all went through a lot, and 7th grade really is the most awkward year of them all. So who knows, maybe 8th grade will be better. They’ll have had a whole year of new hormones under their belts. What do y’all think is in store for our friends next?

#big mouth #big mouth season 3 #nick kroll #john mulaney #nick #andrew glouberman #missy #jessi #jay #hormone monster #connie #maya rudolph #IMMM GOOIINNN THROUGHH CHANGES #didnt get into the ghost stuff but i loved that episode with duke #jordan peele #netflix #netflix original

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justyoureverydaygeeksquad · 4 years

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TW; depression, dysphoria, suicidal thoughts mention, self-harm mention

I'm super fucking depressed today and I don't know why. Like??? I've been doing so good getting over a recent break up and today just hit me like a truck. I barely even ate any food and it just tasted like cardboard. Maybe I need to increase the dosage for my depression meds?

I don't really know how to talk to my friends about this stuff and these thoughts. The most it would be is just venting and what do I expect them to say? I want something more than just a couple word response, but I don't expect them to be able to fix the problem, and I definitely don't want platitudes like, "it'll be ok." Tbh I think I really just want a really solid hug and someone to take me out for ice cream. But then what? I can't expect that every time I feel this way, can I? I know that I deserve love and support, but how much is too much? At what point am I asking my friends to coddle me? I don't know the answer to that.

My roommates get along so well with each other and I don't know how to join in. They go out places together, but I don't find out until they get back. But, like, I want to join in too. They've known each other far longer than they've known me and talk so much about the experiences they share; but I feel like when I talk about similar experiences I had the response is just, "that's nice sweety, but the adults are talking right now." I know that my brain likes to autoassume that people I'm interacting with hate me; so it's hard to tell if this is actually happening or something my brain just made up. I really struggle with social cues and interactions in general and it feels like the people around me don't understand no matter how much I try to explain it.

I've been working on handling my social ineptitudes, but I also have so many other things that need to be worked on. I'm growing, but it's slow, and I get praise for it and I feel nothing. I know I'm supposed to feel good that I haven't self harmed or entertained suicidal thoughts recently, but I feel nothing. It's the same thing when people call me brave for being out and transitioning. I know that it is brave, but it doesn't feel that way. I'm just trying to exist and stay alive and being better is how I do that. I just want to feel happy and in order to feel happy I have to see my therapist and grow. In order to be comfortable with my thoughts I have to take medications and work through my problems. Heck, I know that in order to be in a happy and healthy relationship, I have to be emotionally intelligent and socially competent. But all of these things are so much work. I think it's less that I want people to recognize my progress, because progress can be stagnate, and more that I want people to recognize the sheer amount of effort it took to get here. So many breakdowns, so much burnout, countless hours at jobs that I hated, years of my life stuck in a body that changed against my will. That's what I want recognition for.

When I stumble in my progress it feels like one my rommates is ready to pounce on me. I'm terrified of leaving my room when I'm struggling to function, because if I don't make a mess around the apartment, then it's harder for my roommates to complain that I don't help out with chores. I know that I need to clean the bathroom, take out the trash, clean the living room, etc. But when I'm low energy, I can just barely make it to my computer to do anything. I can just barely order food and (maybe) eat it. And what I want people to understand is that I WANT to do those things. It genuinely bothers me when the bathroom is dirty and the trash/recycling is full; but I simply can't bring myself to do it. I try so so hard to explain it to people, but they don't seem to get it or they say they understand and then do the same things they've been doing.

Having ADHD just makes everything so much harder. It makes starting tasks more difficult, when I'm having a breakdown my sensory sensitivity goes through the roof and I have to isolate myself in the bathroom with music on, when I'm interacting with people my rejection sensitivity dysphoria kicks in; telling me that I'm being scolded or that the person hates me or that people will never want to be with me. No matter how much I recognize some of my thoughts as being a result of my mental illness it doesn't make it easier. In fact, it feels like it becomes much more difficult to function. Now I have to spend energy, not just on getting dressed and showering, but on keeping negative thoughts from overriding my brain. And that's invisible. People see you getting dressed and showering, but people can't see you trying to manage your bad thoughts. And obviously it gets worst on days like today where it feels lile every thought is trying to lead me towards self destruction.

I think there's more I want to say and to a certain extent this is rawer than what I even give my therapist. So if you read this far, I'm sorry. I don't have any profound answers or anything. I'm just sad, lonely, and frustrated. I may make another post tomorrow; especially if I'm feeling this bad again, but we'll see. If you read this far and have concerns about my safety, it's ok, I'm 100% safe and won't hurt myself in any way shape or form. I just needed to vent and I don't see my therapist until Wednesday. Plus I'm not close enough with any of my friends to share this with them.

#content warning #Depression #anxiety #ADHD #RSD #self harm mention #suicidal thoughts mention #personal #semi-ramble #vent #self-harm mention #social struggles #raised wrong #emotions #sad #lonely #take your meds #i take my meds

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transrightsjimin · 3 years

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im sorry im not rly in the BE hype atm :((

rant coming which has nothing to do w the album but everything w stress nd fatigue nd crying nd more job stress nd sensory overload and me turning everything into a worse issue in my head etc etc

i was this morning when i saw the mv nd watched the vlive but i obv slept way too few bc i went to bed late nd woke up early for the live and i had to rush a lot w errands nd an appointment w my autism coach nd at said appointment we called a dude from the municipality to inquire abt jobcoaches nd it turned out we misunderstood what jobcoaches are as they are who u get referred to when u have a job, nd the guy found it hard to figure out what type of trajectory(?) would best fit me for help nd now i have time to think abt it and will speak him again in 2 weeks or sooner if i want to. im just so tired nd a bit hungry and on edge and one sec, im in the side of the house tht faces kids playing around aka screeching as if theyre dying every second nd its majking me only more on edge!!!!

but urgh i cried so bad during the appointment and was prob way too rudde to her before the appointment, bc she talks loudly nd sounds rude nd confronting but just naturally bc ofher tone nd language nd urghgh h thikning abt jobs nd trying to talk nd not cry too hard when trying to explain stuff to the man over the phone was rly hard, like obv its fine if he knows im crying but its just hard to talk when crying nd im just so devastated thinking abt jobs!! i dont know what type of job i could handle nd it feels like im making everythig up bc i did somehow finish two studies in uni and im privileged enough w education and whiteness tobe more easily selected for a job by e.g. last name on my cv and i shouldnt be this picky but god i cant handle smth as physically demanding and underpaid as this, im tired 4/7 days that im not working nd what i earn in those 3 days is still not enough to cover rent bc they pay only for the delivery time itself instead of more hours!!! it just feels like wtf am i doing bc the municipality guy did admit im not the usual person he works w bc i had an education, as if i dont belong in the group but its really just an issue of having -100 confidence and no job experience!! like i rly dont strive for a fancy job or ‘’’career’’’, i just bneed something that i can pay my monthly expenses w and have a bit left to save up for e.g. emergencies, additional medical bills (like the 350 euros from the adhd diagnosis and therapy, which my autism coach will contact my adhd therapist abt, like if that bill can be delayed or split up in a payment plan), paying back for loan debt eventually and MAYBE soon god forbid i save up for smth fun. and i “need” the job also to have a daily activity and some structure in my life bc a large part of the reason my schedule is so fucked up is bc i have no more set time tht i need to be anywhere or any strictness or reason to get up nd so i just dont ghhh

im always looking for reasons why i cant do smth and why smth would go wrong and im already looking at every area where getting help w getting a job can go wrong like e.g. me being too stubborn abt companies i dont agree w or me thinking i cant do anything just bc i have not much working experience outside of mail delivery :(

nd then there was this A B C task list system my adhd therapist proposed in wihc i keep track of my most to least urgent + important tasks every day nd we werent sure where to keep track of that kind of list and she suggested sticking a paper to a wall (i think id rather use my wardrobe) to write it on and change or replace that every day and it sounds like a hassle but i rly need to do it every day, nd i can try other methods but thatd be either writing it on my phone but im not always on there nd theres not a type of file i can make that doesnt move back chronologically as i make new notes

ALSO im just very frustrated w myself bc my mom wanted to come over w food and i know she was too sudden w it but if only i left on time for the stores it wouldnt have been an issue. i feel like shes rly sad she couldnt come visit. fucking hell i rushed so much back and forth from the stores that i forgot to put the leftover letters from work yesterday into the outdoor mailbox and i already stress abt this bc my current teamcoach (aka manager) is more stricter w this stuff nd recently asked for a statement / explanation by me on why there were 29 letters w/o sticker from a route i did counted from the collected mail that were in outdoor mailboxes, and i did not do that but my only alibi / reason for not making that huge mistake was that i hadnt posted any mail yet that day and obv he wasnt happy w that. i sometimes had dreams / nightmares recently where i was late again or fucked up w a new route and got fired for it and thats quite an awful scenario / fear to me bc thats exactly why my dad was fired by his previous employee, for being late too often nd we’re the exact same. it just sucks bc i know many ppl who worry abt being late arrive to early at shit bc lol anxiety but i still arrive late every day WHILE being stressed abt it nd my whole fucking issue is that i need to break w bad patterns MYSELF, like whether i get help for autism stuff or adhd or sleep or whatnot, the homework / assignments / tasks / advice they give me, in the end i still need to be the one to do it and push through and make a change or put more effort into not going continuously back to the same distractions or demotivating black-white thinking

just URGH im so easily annoyed nd sensitive, also as in sensitive on a tactile level nd it doesnt help tht my room is a mess nd im super stinky from bts BE excitement and from squeezing my skin a lot last night, nor does the fact that i have rly bad coordination / awareness of my surroundings nd continuously bumping into shit or getting caught on smth help, which is also another reason im just so slow at work bc if i try to walk or deliver mail faster i keep end up bruising nd tripping or tear my hands on all these hard to move or sharp mail box slots if im not careful nd slower, which does still happen but not as bad when im careful

im also rly dizzy rn from haing slept too few and just urgh i “need“ a stupid fucking job, i need the money i need the structure but my god does actual labour and having to deal w colleagues every day and trying to keep up w stuff and be fast and precise enough in whatever the job is, sound horrifying hhhgghgh

OK RANT OVER IM SICK OF ME TALKING SO MUCH

#rambles #i dont even feel like explainig any of this stuff more if it was unclear #bc trying to re-tell what ppl from bureaucracies told me and each nd every thing explained is so complex

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nonoahstop · 5 years

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@derpam Oh, it's no problem, I’m always up for writing one of these❤ I decided to go with one child per LI so I could keep the length the same and not pick a favorite, I hope that's okay? And thank you so much haha I struggled to try and make everyone different so I appreciate that❤ In this I tried to use different reasons a kid would get bullied such as how they interact and even medical conditions.

The guys + Asra’s reaction to their child getting bullied and how they’d handle it

Asra:

All three of you were heading home after picking your child up. You both hold one hand each, a parent on each side.

You noticed your child is a little bit more quiet than usual. They just walk along aside you both silently not even attempting to kick a rock about or go running off to pick up a cool stick.

You throw Asra a knowing look and mouth the words “Something is wrong” in which he gives you an agreeing nod in return.

Asra initiates calm supportive parent mode.

“Hey... Anything up? Your a little quiet...” they give a small shrug.

“There is a meanie at school, they keep talking about my white hair and how it's too fluffy... They keep calling me a bunny, I thought they would stop... I don't look funny do I?” your heart sinks in your chest.

Asra kneels down. “Of course not! I have fluffy hair too, it's just like yours. I think that bunnies are adorable just like you” he ruffles their hair and gives them a warm smile.

“I also know they can jump reeeeeally high!” you both take hold of their hand again and start swinging them.

“One... Two... Three!” You all laugh along on your way back home hoping Asras little pep talk was enough to take it off their mind.

That night as you both tuck in your little one, you agree that you would meet with the headteacher to go over things and see what can be done.

“I don't think we should go to the parents I don't want them to feel as if we're looking down on their child, I know we can talk to their teacher and have a little talk. These things happen, they don't really understand yet.”

You get ready for the day and find Faust snuggled up in blankets with the little one and call Asra too have a look, you both watch in awe.

...Okay back on track!

As you both drop off your kid in the morning you pull aside the teacher before the day starts.

“Oh, the Alnazars, is everything alright?” they step outside the classroom with you both closing the door behind them.

“If you wouldn't mind, I was hoping we could talk about a little situation we’re having regarding a bully.”

“Oh, of course!.” You both talk about your troubles and how you're concerned about the wellbeing of your child.

“Oh wow, I’ll have a little talk with them. I promise to take care of the situation.”

“Thank you.”

A few days pass and on your way back home you ask how everything is doing again.

“Has that bully said anything to you so far?” They turn back smiling.

“No, I don't know why because they thought it was funny? Also, I found out that rabbits are really cool! The teacher was telling the class about all kinds of bunnies.” you give Asra a knowing glance.

“Just saying if they ever start on you again, blast ‘em!” Asra gives them a few finger guns.

“What!? No- don't do that!

You whisper to Asra “You know what happened last time they decided to, ‘blast ‘em’...”

You have flashbacks to when you were both called in because your child accidentally set the book corner up in flames...

Asra gives you a wide grin and a nudge to the side.

Julian:

You walk behind as Julian play fights with your child, gently poking them with the stick here and there and even doing a few dramatic death scenes but of course...

“I can never die!” and he comes back as a ghost and dies again... and again and-

It’s a fun journey back home and nothing seems to be the matter.

That day you went to Portia's for dinner to have a family get together.

After dinner, you sit out on the porch for a while hoping to let out some pent up energy before its time to head home and go to bed.

All three of you sit on the steps as you watch the sun fall over the garden, you feel a tug on your arm as Julian signals too your child.

You see them sitting there head in their hands looking of somewhere a sad smile across their face.

“Kiddo, what wrong?” they lean over resting their head on Julian's arm.

“Is there something wrong with me? Why do people make fun of me for being happy?”

Julian's eyebrows furrow as he puts on a serious face now wrapping an arm around his child.

“What do you mean sweetie?”

“Well this kid thinks it's weird I run around more than everyone else, they told me I’m what their parents call ‘too much’...”

Julian shifts in his seat. “My dear, you are a ball of energy that can’t be contained and that's what makes you special... They aren't cool like you, you know what they have?”

They give him a small smile. “What?”

“A cold heart and nobody wants that.”

Upon arriving home you go to tuck your child in for the night as Julian scans his patient books for the families name.

“Let's have a talk with them it will be fine I just need to explain what's going on because it’s not fair our child should be bullied for having ADHD...”

You meet up with the parents before school the next day and ask if they would like to come to dinner to talk over things.

You both calmly go over the situation and explain what's going on. The parents end up being embarrassed about their actions and apologize that the situation happened in the first place.

“I’m sorry that happened... I apologize for our words and the effects they had on our child...”

“Thank you, we really appreciate that...”

You finish the meal and wave the couple on their way, the mess now over.

“Charmer...” Julian turns and gives a wide grin.

“Well, who else will give them a checkup? I’m their doctor, after all, I don't think they want to get on my bad side.”

You notice more of a spring in your child's step as well as them slowly slinking into their old self not feeling self-conscious of their actions and it brings a peaceful feeling over you both.

Muriel:

You go in to collect your child as Muriel waits outside by the gate away from the school ground.

Everything seems okay as your leaving until you hear soft little sobs as you make your way over to Muriel.

You can see the shock in Muriel's face as he kneels down pulling them into a hug.

“... Do you want to talk about it?...” they shake their head as they nuzzle into him.

“Maybe later?” they give a small nod before Muriel scoops them up wrapping them in his cloak.

You give a light kiss to their head as well as one to Muriel’s cheek and head home walking in silence.

You pick up the blanket you left by the fire and crawl into bed wrapping your child up. Muriel heads over to bed too.

“Are you feeling up for telling us what's wrong?” they snuggle closer to the both of you.

“Why can't people leave me alone? I just want to be away from everyone, I keep getting made fun of because I have no friends...” they begin to cry again.

Muriel wraps an arm around them giving them a soft kiss to the head.

“Don’t worry I know how you feel, it's not nice... When I was little I just wanted to be on my own too, it's not weird.”

They let out a few sniffles. “It's not? Then why am I being made fun of?”

“People just don't understand...”

The conversation ends there and you slowly comfort your child till the fall asleep leading to you slipping into sleep as well.

On your way to school that morning Muriel tells you he wants to come up to the classroom this time and it makes you smile.

“I think they would like that” and you both share a glance at your child looking off to the distance walking in silence.

When you arrive you see a child staring at Muriel; a hulking 6′10 man littered with scary scars and huge muscles holding onto your small child.

Your child gives a light tug to Muriel's cloak and points over at the bully.

Muriel turns an annoyed painted on his face.

The child's face is stuck with horror as they turn to run, tripping over themselves and skidding on the floor in an attempt to run to their parents.

Muriel looks back at you blushing obviously feeling guilty.

“I uh... I didn't mean too...” he looks away in shame.

You let out a small laugh resting a hand on his back.

“I know Muri.”

“I think I'm too scary for the kids...”

“Maybe to some but they don't know what your life. Your a soft sweet man”

You plant a kiss to his now blushing cheek reassuring him.

Needless to say, the kid didn't want to pick on your child now knowing what was in store for them on the other side

Lucio:

You both stand outside waiting for your child to get out of school.

You hear a temper tantrum range near and you and Lucio both look over confused.

You see your child chucking things around and kicking the wall causing a scene.

“Woah, hey, it's alright”

They continue to throw a tantrum as the teacher stands there helpless eventually retreating to the classroom.

“NO, IT’S NOT! I HATE THEM!”

“Hate who?” they point over to a child getting ready for home time.

“What did they do?”

“They were trying to spread rumors about me! They said I shouldn't have any friends because I’m stuck up!” Lucio lets out a loud and dramatic gasp.

“They said what!?” Now furious he stomps over to the parents.

“Lucio no- Don't go over to the... Oh no...” you see him shouting up a storm at the couple accusing them of having bad parenting skills.

The parents look over to you in a plea of help.

Lucio ends up storming into the class shouting at the teacher now.

“You should put your teaching skills to good use and show all of them some manners!” he points back at the parents still going off on a tangent.

You cover your face in shame not being able to look the couple in the eye.

The three of you end up inside the class in chairs too small to accommodate your large figures, your knees almost up to your chest.

Despite the embarrassing situation, the one funny thing about it all is the way Lucio looks sitting in the tiny chair so compressed yet he still chooses to cross his arms in a huff.

He’s just one big man child...

Throughout the whole meeting, all you can hear from him is huffs and tongue clicks, you eventually have to jab him in the side to stop him from glaring at the child.

The meeting ends and the family quickly rushes away, you catch Lucio giving the child an “I’m watching you” hand gesture out of the corner of your eye and you swat his hand away.

You sigh and pinch your brow. “Lucio I love you but you can’t go about treating situations like that.”

“Well, it worked didn’t it?”

“I- Yes... but you still can't do that...” he shrugs his shoulders and turns to your child.

“See papas got your back! Now, how about we go out and do something fun?” a bright smile crosses their face as Lucio lifts them up and sits them on top of his shoulders.

Honestly, you don't know who acted more like a child in this situation Lucio or the actual children, but I guess you see who they get their attitude from...

You add that to the book of unforgettable things and try to sweep it under the rug.

At least for the moment, you can appreciate the bond they both have. Maybe he’s so protective because he never had the same care and emotion from his parents?

Either way, no matter which way he shows it you know his love is unconditional.

#the arcana #the arcana game #asra #asra alnazar #the arcana asra #muriel #the arcana muriel #julian #julian devorak #the arcana julian #lucio #count lucio #montag #monty #the arcana count lucio #headcanon #scenario #WOOOOOOP HOPE YOU LIKE IT

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