she's three years younger than i am, and i put on cascada as a throwback, cackling - before your time! i've been borrowing my brother's car, and it's older than dirt, so the trunk is like, maybe permanently locked. when the sun comes through the window to frame her cheekbones, i feel like i'm 16 again. i shake when i'm kissing her, worried i won't get it right.

in 2003, my state made gay marriage legal. where she grew up, it wasn't legal until 11 years later - 10 years ago. if legal protections for gay marriage were a person, that person would be entering 5th grade. online, a white gay man calls the fight for legal marriage boring, which isn't kind of him but it is a common enough opinion.

it has only been 9 years since gay marriage was nationally official. it is already boring to have gay people in your tv. it is already boring to mention being gay - "why make it your entire personality?" i know siblings that have a larger age gap than the amount of time it's been legally protected. i recently saw a grown man record himself crying about how evil gay people are. he was begging us, red in the face - just do better.

i am absolutely ruined any time my girlfriend talks about being 27 (i know!! a child!), but we actually attended undergrad at the same time since i had taken off time to work between high school and college. while walking through the city, we drop our hands, try not to look too often at each other. the other day i went to an open mic in a basement. the headlining comedian said being lesbian isn't interesting, but i am a lesbian, if you care. as a joke, she had any lesbian raise their hand if present. i raised mine, weirdly embarrassed at being the single hand in a sea of other faces. she had everyone give me a round of applause. i felt something between pride and also throwing up.

sometimes one thing is also another thing. i keep thinking about my uncle. he died in the hospital without his husband of 35 years - they were not legally wed, so his husband could not enter. this sounds like it should be from 1950. it happened in 2007. harassment and abuse and financial hardship still follow any person who is trying to get married while disabled. marriage equality isn't really equal yet.

and i don't know that i can ever put a name to what i'm experiencing. sometimes it just feels... so odd to watch the balance. people are fundamentally uninterested in your identity, but also - like, there's a whole fucking bastion of rabid men and women who want to kill you. your friends roll their eyes you're gay we get it and that is funny but like. when you asked your father do you still love me? he just said go to your room. you haven't told your grandmother. disney is on their 390th "first" gay representation, but also cancelled owl house and censored the fuck out of gravity falls. you actively got bullied for being gay, but your advisor told you to find a different gimmick for your college essay - everyone says they're gay these days.

once while you were having a hard day you cried about the fact that the reason our story is so fucking boring to so many people is that it is so similar. that it is rare for one of us to just, like, have a good experience across the board. that our stories often have very parallel bends - the dehumanization, the trauma, the trouble with trusting again. these become rote instead of disgusting. how bad could it be if it is happening to so many people?

i kiss my girlfriend when nobody is looking. i like her jawline and how her hands splay when she's making a joke. there is nothing new about this story, sappho. i love her like opening up the sun. like folding peace between the layers of my life, a buttercream of euphoria, freckles and laughter and wonder.

my dad knows about her. i've been out to him since i was 18 - roughly four years before the supreme court would protect us. the other day he flipped down the sun visor while driving me to the eye doctor. "you need to accept that your body was made for a husband. you want to be a mother because you were made for men, not women." he wants me to date my old high school boyfriend. i gagged about it, and he shook his head. he said - "don't be so dramatic. you can get used to anything."

the other day a straight friend of mine snorted down her nose about it, accidentally echoing him - she said there are bigger problems in this world than planning a wedding.

Listening to The Amelia Project in 2017: Oh haha what a fun take on an office comedy! A death faking business, this is hilarious!

Listening to the Amelia Project in 2023: Death is inescapable, we will always leave behind those we love and be left behind, we do the best with the time we have and it is never enough, our stories will always outlive us so long as there is someone to tell them after we cannot

coughs loudly. scheduling this post for slightly later today so i have time to get lunch and not chicken out before it goes up

firstly i gotta apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. in hindsight it was creeping up on me for a long time I just didn't think anything of it/had enough stuff going on to ignore it for a while, but ive been wrestling with pretty abysmal mental health that just kinda hit me like a truck back in august. i wont get too much into it but things just ground to a halt and in the span of a week or so it legitimately felt like i stopped being a Person- i just stagnated, felt like i lost the ability and will to do anything or enjoy things or create like i used to, all my energy went into keeping it together in front of my family, and it made me way too anxious and ashamed and guilty to want to show my face. like who would want to put up with my stupid bullshit, right (wrong! that idea just made me unbelievably worse and i regret it extremely, but my anxiety was going extremely unchecked at this time). i don't think i've ever been that depressed before and i didn't at all know how to handle it or begin to claw my way out

fortunately, a combination of getting exercise + touching grass regularly and new enrichment/hyperfixations to latch onto like an orphaned duckling are very recently kicking some life back into me so to speak. who wouldve thought. and now where i used to still feel stomach-turning dread and paranoia thinking about getting back on tumblr and discord a week or two ago, it finally feels like i can handle dipping my toes back in. i'm making this post first bc i know most of my friends will see it, and that feels less taxing than explaining myself a bunch of different times over and over and dragging it out, but ofc i will try and get back into conversation when and as i can (askbox and discord is still best to reach me if you wanted). i'm just really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for making you worry or otherwise

i'm not sure what to do from here (i'm considering maybe moving main blogs to a clean slate eventually? this one will still be here i couldnt bear to get rid of it, i've just had it since i was 16 there's Baggage attached) but i'll be trying to ease my way back into relative normalcy before doing anything big ofc. in the meantime i will be vaguely floating around here again. see you around and thank you for your time..

reading posts that come across my dash and sitting for a minute to debate with my mental disorder if not reblogging this will mean a hell portal will open beneath my feet and i will suffer for eternity for my lack of action or if its all good and i can just scroll on by (its usually the hell portal thing)

...

What fic do you think best shows your style of writing?

this is such an interesting question! i partly don’t know at all because i like to experiment a lot and i do like to think that sort of experimentation is a part of my style

with that being said i do feel like i really grew into my own with metamorphosis in terms of multichapter writing, and i feel like i was able to do a lot with the structure and feel of it. however, im obviously not always writing multichapters, and i do think i have a different sort of style for shorter fics which i think shows through in stuff like the definition of insanity or doa that relies on snippet-y sections that kind of blur the lines between time, character, and emotions

but honestly i don’t know! i feel like everyone else would be able to say what’s me better than i can :”)

thanks for asking!!

Teenager me: was constantly traumatized, couldn't afford hardly anything, lived in terrible unhealthy environment (mentally/emotionally and physically), either yelling and defending herself or just staying quiet and taking it all, couldn't get help for mental health,sacrificed so much for family, hid sexuality and identity.

Adult me: despite new traumas, talks calmly, slows down, realizes if I'm being arrogant,toxic or taking things for granted and stops to be grateful and work on it, realized that my family never noticed those sacrifices and decided to just live how I want. Doesn't bend boundaries to make sure a man is comfortable, is a proud She/They Lesbian.

It took a very long time, being lonely is painful, but fuck am I so thankful I got myself out of there.

i remember i'd hear about how my state is one of the most dangerous places in terms of sex trafficking and i would think, what an awful thing. how terrible is it that my state has such an issue with trafficking that it's enough for it to be a well-known, well-documented serious danger/risk area.

and i still didn't think it would ever happen to me.

hands and knees begging myself to be responsible tonight bc i have so much to do but i can feel in my heart irresponsible brain is going to win and im gonna end up drawing and making myself more behind and stressed but like i spent 8 hours researching and writing art history texts at my internship do i fucking want to research for my history class tonight even tho i should so i can let the professor know if my topic is viable? no i want to draw. and like even research aside i need to do dishes and laundry and pack

man. sdam sucks

wish it was more widely known :(((

was going insane at a friend last night now I need to research transness in the 70s and all that fun stuff so I can be fully unhinged and maybe actually write smth for once instead of being haunted by visions

something difficult about writing/storytelling but only in short disconnected bursts is that writing anything longform is very difficult. there isn't as much time to practice long-term character development or subtlety (implying character instead of immediately clarifying) when its not really meant to go anywhere but a notes app. its a little frustrating...i'd love to do something more longform though. i've considered maybe just doing some short writing scenes in my various original universes a lot recently mostly because i just havent had time to draw anything fancy recently </3 maybe that would be something...

I saw your tags on the non-binary poll, and I was curious about your thoughts/feelings towards non-binaryness and also being cis? Totally cool if you dont wanna go into it, I’m just curious. All the non-binary ppl I’ve met have been in/through trans spaces, and thus I’ve only really talked about non-binary gender stuff with non-binary ppl who also ID’d as trans, and I’ve always been curious about other non-binary ppl‘s perspectives on gender stuff cause it’s so different from my experiences and relationship/understanding of gender, ya know? I want to understand

no i actually really like that you asked!!!! i honestly loved seeing that poll and having it as an option in the first place so i knew i really wasnt the only one that felt this way lol. i have such complex gender feelings its hard for me to put into words like i literally contemplated if i was nb for like three years before being like um yeah i guess teehee. for me its basically like i dont really wanna be a man and dont wanna be androgynous and i dont even really feel like 100% a girl i just kinda exist as i do. prefacing this by saying i dont want to generalize anyone and that everyone has a different relationship to transness but for me trans implies some action, like you wish to change your name/pronouns/presentation and i dont feel any desire to do that (i know i just put cosmo as a name in my bio lol but even that i feel like ill take out bc even though i like some other names i cant imagine one i like more than what i was given lol). like humanity literally just made up a bunch of arbitrary shit to apply to the two predominant sexes like none of it feels REAL!!!! im kinda like we made up all this anyways so who give a shit…. i still identify mostly with being a woman but when straight girls say hey girl!! i want to die and i like a lot more masculine clothes and would loveeee to have a dick but also keep my boobs. i think honestly it just has a lot to do with me being bisexual like what led to me starting to think about my gender was like ‘my attraction to women feels gay but so does my attraction to men???’ the way i experience attraction is NOT the same as how my straight girl friends do plus i dont think i would feel a hundred percent comfortable dating a man if he wasnt lgbt in some way like i would want someone else with a complex attraction to gender bc i definitely dont want a cishet man to be like THIS IS MY GIRLY GIRLFRIEND. AND ONLY A GIRL. anyways i dont know if this makes any sense or is confusing as hell but tbh its confusing as hell to me too. MY GENDER IS BISEXUAL IDKKKKK!!!!!

also. what they dont tell you about being a sorcerer (5) bard (1) is that

you get a F U C K ton of spells