#it’s genuinely hard for me and i really don’t know how to fix my habits
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Imagine being Ruggie sister who somehow got in to night raven as a student and everything progress on and them as a Ramshackle perfect due to them being a kind person like Tanjiro and strong yet but of a nerd liked Deku with a unique magic of growing plants
What's more she a home maker due to them living in the slums ( like meding clothes, cooking, fixing things as she can, using home remedies when sick and help their bother with the kids at home ) with Ruggie and too working hard to get out of there as they wanted to be a doctor
Let's say due to their genuine kindness Leona, Malleus, Idia, Jamal, Carter and Riddle have a unhealthy obsession crush with Ruggie sister who doesn't share the same romantic feeling and only sees them as a friend
Ruggie's Little Sister Reader | Yandere Twisted Wonderland
Perfectly built for Ramshackle, you happily take to it despite your brother’s insistence you stay next to him in Savvannaclaw. But you’ve never been one to listen to your big brother and you can definitely handle it. You probably fare better than the original in terms of dealing with Night Raven. Because you know how to sweet up boys with mean attitudes, maybe a little too well:
Leona Kingscholar
“Look herbivore, don’t try to boss me-”
“Who’re you calling herbivore!? I’m talking to you, about this lazy cat behavior!”
“Lazy cat-”
“(Y/n) please–”
“No Ruggie, you baby him far too much! I’m stepping in!”
He at first really hates you
Like really
You do all the things Ruggie does just not for him
In fact you make him do things that make him tired
It’s a pain
But for whatever reason he’s getting especially happy when you praise him
Only for you
He’s violent with anyone who comments on the work you have him doing
Its the only reason he keeps in your good graces and thats enough for him
“I’m proud of you, Leona! Now come I’ve cooked up some fillet mignon and it has your name on it!”
“It better. I’m never doing my own laundry again.”
“Hahaha yes you will.”
Ruggie is nervous about this but appreciates you picking up the slack
It sometimes bothers him how much time his employer starts spending with you
But he’s not too worried Leona understands his desire to protect you
“Huh?! You got him to do that?! What should I expect, you are my little sister.”
“Don’t act like I’m not the cooler one of us two.”
Malleus Draconia
“Ah horn-dude, I was just looking for you.”
“Horn-dude? And you were looking for me?”
“Yeah I was thinking of adding some gardenias, and maybe some vines for decoration. I wanted your opinion since you like coming by here so often.”
“The vines would pertain to a more beautifully abandoned image…but that might just be my preference.”
“Oh thanks so much, Horns!”
His crush is so obvious
Talking about you often to his guards and mentor
And whenever anyone goes to talk to him he finds some odd way to incorporate you into the conversation
Trust me its weird for everyone when he starts talking about you during potions when their dissecting magical creatures
he can’t stop trying to talk to you
But he usually ends up just staring at you from the distance
Waiting until your instincts pick up on his presence
And your forced to invite him to join whatever your doing
“Ah! Horns didn’t see you over there! Do you want in? We’re making paper flowers for the festival want to join?”
“I would love to!”
“What?! Horns?! (Y/n) why are you lettinghimjoin giving him more paper!? I know what I’m doing!”
“Sure you do.”
Ruggie’s scared out of his mind
How did you get mixed up with this overpowered monster
He can’t do too much now without knowing he’s going to die
But if it means saving you from certain doom aka Malleus Draconia it might be worth it
Idia Shroud
“Alright that’s enough!”
“W-what?!”
“No more games before you finish cleaning your room! Ortho and I can help but–”
“Actually (Y/n)-san, I recently pulled up a study that states letting children clean their own rules helps instill better habits when their adults!”
“Ortho!?”
“Oh great idea! Well we’ll be just outside! Come on Ortho let’s plan out our cosplay!”
“Yes!”
“G-guys?!”
He hates that you mother him
But he absolutely loves it when you mother him
He cries about being in the dreaded friendzone kidzone
But boy does he love the way you pat his head or let him cuddle into your chest
He loves the food you make during marathons
Or how you’ll let yourself be distracted by the games you really like
He gets drastic if you spend too long out of his reach
So he sets up cameras+
So he takes any opportunity to speak with you
So he puts others in horrifying accidents
“Heeheh by the time I’m done you’ll be the best girl-gamer in the space. And then it’ll be a given for you to never leave the ultimate guy-gamer!”
“Ewww keep my sister out of your nerd schemes!”
“Eeep! An enemy has appeared!”
Ruggie thinks he’s a nerd with no game
But nonetheless he knows Idia’s smart but not street smart
“Hishishsishi can’t set the trap if you don’t have the button! Hardly even noticed me swiping his gadget.”
Jamil Viper
“I appreciate the help, (Y/n).”
“Of course, you’re always running yourself ragged…I wanted to do something for you.”
“...I really appreciate the lunches you’ve made for me…it’s been a while since I’ve eaten a meal by someone else.”
“Well just give me a call I don’t mind cooking for you or lending a hand.”
He’s smitten nbyond comprehension
Now going out of his way to hypnotize anyone else into a corner when it comes to talking to you
Its the least he does out of retaliation
He knows all his flirting and hints go right over your head
But your still cute
Until you do get it he’s pulling the rug out from any and all competitors
“Hey (Y/n), why don’t you join me in the kitchen? Maybe, show me how you made those potato crisps?”
“Sure, Jamil I’d love to!”
“Ah ah! Not without me you’re not!”
Ruggie knows Jamil’s like him but smarter
Sly and sneaky
Powers aside Ruggie’s sure Jamil’s problematic for your safety
“Don’t think for a second, I’ll let you have them! I'm not that fond of snakes!”
Carter Diamond
“Wah~(Y/n) you’re so photogenic! Will you pose for me one more time?”
“Well alright. If it’ll make you happy.”
“It’ll make me more than happy!”
He loves how oblivious you are
He absolutely hates it+
But your just so cute
He guesses he can forgive it
And hey while your learning the ropes he’s more than happy to keep you close
“Hey hey don’t forget to keep up our streak!”
“Streak?”
“Yeah we’ve been sharing our photos throughout the day of what we’re doing.”
“Yup! It’s a great way to keep track of her!”
“Ick-!”
Ruggie knows he’s slippery
When it comes to tailing him Cater’s good at giving the slip
“Not on my watch. I’m not giving you the chance, to trick my baby sister.”
Riddle Rosehearts
“That’s entirely unreasonable, I’m not doing that!”
“Grrr (Y/n) these are the rules I thought you would respect that.”
“And I thought you would know to relax!”
He thinks your sweet but totally unreasonable
So he guesses you both have something to learn from each other
You more than him obviously
While he doesn’t think highly of your brother he knows your different
And you belong to him
He’s not going to take ‘no’ for an answer
If this is a battle of wills he’d win it
Even if that means subjecting your bad influences to being beheaded
“Riddle! You can't just put that collar on my brother like that!”
“Yeah I’m not even apart of your dorm!”
“Don’t be mad at me for enforcing rules. I know you know the very least of the rules. It shouldn’t be that much of a surprise that your brother just doesn’t measure up. Which means you should leave him before he drags you down.”
Ruggie is peeved that such a prick is after his sister
But he’s not worried
He’s definitely not cool enough to keep your attention
Not to mention he’s so easy to anger
It’ll be fun to rile him up
“Hishishishi so mad oh so fast! You’ll barely survive dating them if your this easy.”
#yandere twisted wonderland#yandere riddle rosehearts#yandere riddle x reader#yandere riddle roseheart x reader#yandere riddle#yandere leona#yandere leona kingscholar x reader#yandere leona kingscholar#yandere leona x reader#yandere platonic ruggie#yandere cater diamond#yandere cater x reader#yandere malleus draconia#yandere malleus x reader#yandere malleus#yandere twst x reader#yandere twst malleus#yandere x reader#yandere idia shroud x reader#yandere idia#yandere idia x reader#yandere idia shroud#yandere jamil viper#yandere jamil x reader#yandere jamil#yandere twst
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the power of love, part 14
Sorry about Sunday's empty post ☹️ I must've accidentally put a draft template in my queue because I am basically tired and rubbish and life isn’t the greatest right now. Anyhow.... Whoops and really sorry again!
Alternate ending S4: Steve has a habit of surviving near death experiences then getting sick for no reason. And Eddie and those fatal bat bites? After an impossible feat of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation from Steve, he’s mysteriously fixed. So, Eddie’s back to being banished, this time with Steve and Robin in tow. Eddie’s healing, but Steve isn’t… and life gets even more confusing, when Eddie develops feelings for Steve, which aren’t entirely unrequited.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 15
(also on AO3 here and as part of my steve whump fic series)
Eddie POV
When neither Steve nor Robin show up after ten minutes, Eddie begins to freak out.
He, Hopper and El are still waiting for the car, out of sight among some ferns. Hopper’s getting antsy, muttering beneath his breath, while Eddie’s wriggling like he’s got ants in his pants. Which he genuinely might have, though that’s not what’s bugging him:
“Uuuuh, shall I see what’s taking them so long?”
“You do that,” says Hopper. “What’s going on with that guy? He could barely stand! How the hell could he…”
Eddie tunes out, retracing their journey into the trees, calling Robin’s name then Steve’s. Maybe Steve passed out, and Robin got lost searching? Somehow, he doesn’t buy it. A heaviness slows his feet, and his guts twist sourly.
They wouldn’t just ditch him. Surely? Surely!?!
Fifteen minutes later, he winds up where he started: “They’re not back?”
“What do you reckon?” Hopper’s breathing hard and red in the face. Evidently, he’s been running in circles like Eddie has.
“This is for you.” El nudges Eddie and presses a scrap of paper into his hand. “I think Steve left it.”
“What? Where?” Eddie’s stomach clamps tight again.
Her eyes stretch very wide. “Fell out of your pack.”
Turning the note over in his hands, his fingers stiffen, as if shrinking from the task, bracing for… something. In the event, he gets a literal slap around the face.
“You make me sick,” Steve wrote.
Eddie’s skin burns with the blow. Wow! This is why I never have and never freakin’ will write love songs.
“What does he say?” demands Hopper.
Eddie scans the note one more time, scrunches it in his fist. “I’d hazard a guess he’s gone back to Hawkins.”
“Goddammit! Robin’s gone with him?”
“I think that’s a safe bet.” A wobble in the back of Eddie’s throat finds its way into his voice. Because, boy, is he still processing.
You make me sick.
What does that even mean? To be fair, Eddie did make Steve sick. More than once. But why the heck write… that. Would suck less to be dumped without a word.
Thanks for the overkill, man.
“Don’t you even think about scooting off,” growls Hopper. “Your uncle would never forgive me.”
Oh yeah. Wayne. The only person who ever actually cared about him.
Eddie plonks his butt down on the ground and waits for the car.
…
Steve POV
“C’mon, giddy up,” says Steve. He and Robin make their way along the muddy bank of the stream towards home.
“Is this some kind of race?” she asks. “While I’d forgotten your former life as a douchebag jock, you’re doing a stunning job of reminding me, and… Uuuuugh!”
“Jesus Christ, what’s wrong this time?” He spirals about, plants his hands on his hips—he’d ditched the sling a while ago.
She scrubs madly at her lips. “I swallowed a bug! Ugh, ugh, ugh, mega-gross. Eeeeurgh!”
“Maybe if you weren’t complaining, like, constantly, there’d be less opportunities for bugs to get in.”
“You shut up, shit-bird! I could die of malaria.” She spits into the stream. “Ew! EEEEEEEW!”
“Ssssh! Hop said the military will be crawling everywhere soon, or—”
“Eddie might hear?” His heart heaves a loaded thud. She looks back sharply, purses her lips. “You know, he could be lost in the wilderness, all alone. Being hunted by evil army thugs. Or bears! Did you think of that when you sauntered off?”
“I did, yeah. I left him a message saying not to follow.” He shades his face from the afternoon sunlight, which shafts between the trees. Also, he can’t look her straight on and say this: “It was kinda brutal, I guess. It was for his own good, right?”
“Oh. Riiiight.”
“You done spewing insects?” he snaps.
“Still heavily grossed-out here. Gimme a minute, ’kay?” She plonks herself on a rock, crumpling forward.
He mops his brow, strips his sweater, and takes the opportunity to check in on his bat bites. They’re still sore, the bandages a bit bloody. Nothing too fresh, though. For the billionth time, his thoughts fly back to Eddie. He hopes Eddie doesn’t get hurt and need healing while they’re apart, and… Holy shit, will he ever see him again? He ties his sweater around his hips, trying to make fumbling hands look casual.
“Steve? You okay?”
“Other than the fact I’m modelling a ‘shoot-me-now-why don’t-you?’ Hellfire Club t-shirt,”—and that I want to punch myself in the face about that moronic note—“I’m good, Robin.”
“You know what? I don’t doubt it.” She brushes her flyaway hair from suspicious eyes. “You’ve gone from death’s door to super-human speed in, oh, I don’t know—feels to me that we’ve been marching for a week. I think it’s been barely an hour.”
“Yeah? We got a long way to go then.” He starts off along the stream’s edge, forcibly slowing his pace. He senses her puffing, panting, then following on his heels.
“Look, Steve, this water goddess who’s pulling you back, whispering in your ear—”
“I can’t actually tell if they’re male or female. Does that matter?”
“Not in the slightest. So, your water… deity. Have they, by any chance, enlightened you as to some kind of divine plan? Or told you exactly where you’re heading?”
“I got an idea where I’m going, yeah.” To the second place he died, swept away on that blood-red tide—even now, he sees it in his head, like a few frames of a horror VHS stuck on eternal repeat. “Where’s the best place for army generals with dodgy agendas to hang out in Hawkins? There’s never been an army base, apart from—”
“You’re kidding me?” She grabs his elbow, jerking him back. “The Soviet tunnels?” He nods, and her obvious dread has her dropping him like a stone. “No way! I don’t think I can go anywhere near without a major panic attack."
“I’m not gonna march straight in.” He’s already wandering on. Trouble is, now he’s said the idea out loud, it’s become real and terrible. And he’s gotta pretend like his blood’s not congealing to ice. “I don’t know how I’m gonna get in anyhow. I mean, the Starcourt lift is buried under a ton of rubble. I think Hop might’ve know other ways—”
“Oooh, I got a great idea. Let’s go back and ask him.”
“Yeah, real subtle.”
“Steve!” She seizes him again, twisting him around with a furious force. “I know you want to help El, but what can you ACTUALLY DO?” He shrugs before he can stop himself. “Rain? Lightning? How does that benefit us—especially in underground tunnels? Plus you’ve had literally zero time for practice. If we don’t slow down and come up with a decent plan, this is tantamount to suicide.”
“We? Seriously, Robin, I…” His teeth clamp his lower lip. Any moment now, he’ll tell her how terrified he is, how he really, really doesn’t want to get tortured again, let alone die; how the idea of anything bad happening to her is as frightening as any of it. “I don’t think I have much choice.”
“Steve,” she says, gentler now, though her grip gouges into his flesh. “It’s screamingly obvious you’re not thinking straight. You’ve been ill for days and now you’re in a funk, beating yourself up over Eddie.”
He yanks himself free, glares. “That doesn’t make any dif—"
“Bullshit! Trust me, however ‘mean boy’ your literary masterpiece got, Eddie won’t want you to do anything this dumb. Oh, and your resident gender-fluid angel saved your life. They’re not gonna want you to sacrifice it pointlessly.”
He opens his mouth to argue, then shuts it again. He laughs—not a particularly happy laugh, but not totally miserable either. “You win,” he says, kinda sagging with relief. “You got a plan, smarty-pants?”
She laughs with him, equally edgy. “I say we go to Lover’s Lake, wait till it’s dark. If that’s too dangerous, we find some hidden pool where you can practise whatever badass moves you think you got. Hopefully without the puking. It’ll be a bit like Band Camp. But for Magic. Magic Camp. Okay?”
“You really aren’t gonna be happy until I’m a bigger nerd that any of… Shit!”
He’s been considering hugging her. Instead, he seizes her sleeve, dragging her down into a deep, wet gully. They land with a splash, crouching low, close. She doesn’t complain, because she’s heard what he has.
The distant sound of barking dogs. Likely, army search dogs.
“Dog barks travel for miles, huh?” he whispers.
“Possibly.” She sucks in a scared breath. “One thing for sure—those sniffy wet snouts can pick up a human scent from the next county.”
“We’re in a stream, Robin. They can’t pick up our scent here, right?”
She crinkles her nose, dubious. “Dogs’ sense of smell is pretty amazing.”
“Yeah? Let’s hope this bunch caught colds or something.”
He’s now the one clutching her way too tight, and he half-wishes he’d ditched her with a bitchy note too. Though, not quite. She smart; he needs her, and she’s really has gotten him thinking clearer:
“We head for Lover’s Lake. C’mon.”
…
Eddie POV
When the sound of the car engine finally reaches his hearing, Eddie feels almost nothing.
“Don’t move.” Hopper pitches Eddie a forbidding look and grabs El, keeping them low behind the ferns.
An owl hoots. Despite the hollowness in his chest, Eddie silently cracks up. Seriously? Top secret government goons can’t think of a better signal than me and Robin?
Hopper’s grip slides to the firearm at his side. He rises slowly. “Over here.”
Peeping between the foliage, Eddie can make out a limo-style saloon with blacked-out windows. A severe-faced woman in lethal stilettos climbs out. “Chief Hopper, I presume? I apologise for the delay. O’Sullivan’s got men everywhere. We must leave right away.”
Hopper, nevertheless, remains stood well off the road with Eleven, not rushing for the car. And Eddie?
You make me sick.
Steve’s made it simple for him. He should cut his losses and take this chance of escape. Wayne would want him to. Apart from… Eddie literally can’t. What was it that Steve said? Oh yeah. That he was being stretched in the wrong direction. Or something along those lines.
Yeah, I’m feelin’ it, Stevie.
Nothing supernatural, nothing hinky. You kill me that bad, Babe—even after you turned meanie-King-Steve and dumped me. Oh, and went back to goddamn Mordor without me!
Gonna trust you had your reasons, and I’m coming anyway.
He turns on his dirt-clotted heels and flees as fast as he can.
Part 15
...
tags: @estrellami-1 @kal-ology @finntheehumaneater (thank you, thank you, thank you!) If anybody else would like to be tagged on this fic or any of my writing, please let me know :) Reblogs, comments and likes also very much appreciated :) Thank you for reading so far :)
(also part of my steve whump fic series on AO3)
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 15
#steddie#steve harrington#steddie fic#steve x eddie#steve harrington whump#steddie fanfic#eddie munson#stranger things fanfic#steve harrington x eddie munson#steddie fanfiction#stobin#platonic stobin#stobin friendship
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[012] • if you’ll let me | take the stage!
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word count: 3.4k | cw: family issues, mentions of alcohol
time flies by so fast, you didn’t expect it to be friday already. today marks the day that you’ll have your first alcoholic drink ever. you weren’t one to party or to drink so you wanted to be cautious about your tolerance. regardless, you still think that passing the audition is worth celebrating.
your last class has just ended, curse the heavens for allowing a class to end at 7 pm. you had told your mom that you’ll be going home late since you wanted to finish your tasks at the 24/7 study nook near your university so that all you’ll be doing this weekend is to snooze off. but of course, that’s a lie. if she knew you were out drinking with friends, you know it won’t end all pretty. it sucks.
but hey, it’s time to loosen up. you’re in college now, after all.
you were fixing your things when a familiar voice calls out to you, walking towards you.
it was childe.
“how was class?” he greets you with a smile. ever since monday, whenever you two would plan to meet to eat or hang out, childe made it a habit to pick you up from your classes. it was really endearing.
you smile back at him, zipping your bag as you wear it on your shoulder.
“pretty okay. got called for recitation but i think i did good.” you share with him. “let’s go?”
“i’ll lead the way,” childe started walking off with you beside him, exiting the premises of your building and eventually your university.
“i would be lying if i said i don’t feel… nervous meeting your friends for the first time.” you admit out loud to him, fiddling with the straps of your bag.
“don’t be! they’re only mean to me,” childe laughs, his laughter putting you in a sense of peace which made you chuckle a bit. “two of them are really big fans of yours though, so i hope that won’t make you feel awkward.”
“oh, i have fans?” you wondered, looking up at him curiously. you never expected to hear that. sure, your friends, especially jean, always told you that they’re your fans but you always thought of it as friendly support. it caught you off guard knowing that beyond your friends, you do have people who genuinely admire you and your skills. it felt pretty foreign to you but you won’t lie that that also made you feel a bit more confident about yourself.
childe raises a brow at you, followed by a huff. he points to himself as he peers at you.
“what do you call me then?”
“a friend of mine?” you answered, quite unsure about what you were supposed to say. “well, my partner too.”
the last line you added made childe go a bit crazy inside, not expecting to hear that response. moreover, you said it so seriously which didn’t really help his situation.
“yeah…” flustered, childe coughs. “well, if it wasn’t obvious enough, i’m also your fan.”
he proclaims it so proudly, you can see his smile getting smug. you chuckle at him.
“you never mentioned this during our first dinner,” you respond.
“i didn’t want to scare you off…” childe pouts, response sheepish. “but yeah, i’ve been watching your competitions a lot. you’re a really different person when performing.”
“got to impress my mother,” you sigh a bit. “it’s hard when you’re the daughter of a popular person. the pressure is overwhelming.”
childe takes in your reply, surprised to hear your feelings. there’s so much for him to learn about you.
“it must have been hard carrying all that burden, huh?”
“it always has been.”
you two reached the agreed place. it was a bar not too shabby. considering it was a friday, there were a lot of people drinking.
childe ensured to keep you close to him so as not to lose you in the crowd while he scans the place for his friends.
“childe! over here!” kazuha waves his hand, catching the ginger’s attention to which he led the way.
“oh my god…” the twins say in unison, both staring at you in awe. you could swear that they both look like they were going to cry.
you shoot everyone a smile and a small bow.
“have you guys been here for a while?” childe asks, setting his bag down on the chair.
“yeah, you’re fucking late.” scaramouche retorts, fixing his glasses.
“don’t listen to him. we just arrived.” kazuha laughs.
“this is [name] by the way,” childe introduces you as he offers your seat for you.
“hello everyone,” you greeted them, albeit shyly. “it’s nice to meet you all. i’m childe’s friend.”
you thank childe for his kind gesture, settling yourself down. childe sits beside you.
“i can’t believe she’s real…” aether gasps, too busy processing that he’s actually meeting one of his idols. you laugh at his reaction.
“i’m lumine, by the way,” his twin introduces herself. “this is aether, my twin brother. we love watching dancesport competitions a lot.”
“nice to meet you lumine and aether,” you wave at them.
“scaramouche. unfortunately, i’m friends with them.” the guy with the purple hair introduces himself… almost against his will?
“i study at zapolyarny too. i’m a medtech.”
“must be stressful,” you comment.
“exactly. i deserve to drink tonight.” he leans back at his chair, crossing his arms.
“i’m kazuha,” the guy beside childe introduces himself. “i traveled from inazuma to celebrate you two’s success.”
“that’s sweet of you,” you compliment. “nice to meet you all!”
“is venti coming over?” childe asks.
“nobody knows, he might just appear out of the blue.” lumine responds.
everybody continued getting to know each other even after the drinks got served. you learned that the golden twins met childe during a competition while scaramouche and childe became friends since they knew each other from high school. kazuha, on the other hand, was childe’s co-trainee when childe was training at inazuma.
you also learned that childe knew a lot of the coaches and have become friends with them as well. to be fair, during your first dinner together, all you two talked about was the auditions so all of this information is new to you.
“am i late to the party?” your conversation got cut short when a random yet familiar voice cuts in. everyone looked at the source, including you. your eyes widen a bit.
“venti?” you blinked.
“[name]! it’s so nice to see you again!” venti gives you a quick side hug which you reciprocated, happy to see another familiar face.
“we did not save a seat for you, mr. latecomer.” lumine chuckles as she jokes, pulling the vacant chair near her.
“my knees are old as hell, have mercy on me,” venti fake cried, still as dramatic as before.
“why were you late though?” kazuha inquires, taking a chug.
“do college students these days not do pre-games anymore?” venti sighs.
“just say you drank before you arrived here.” scaramouche snides in as he pours himself another round.
“i didn’t expect [name] to be the one to drink though?” venti comments, looking your way.
“i actually don’t drink,” you affirm his statement. “this is my first time drinking, in fact. we’re about to find out my alcohol tolerance.”
“don’t worry, you have childe. he’ll take care of you,” kazuha grins, elbowing childe who is seated beside him.
childe almost spits his drink.
“[name] can i have your autograph on my forehead.” aether requests, slurring his words a bit even though it has just been his second drink.
“yeah…” lumine face palms. “i can’t drink too much, this guy can’t hold his alcohol.”
everybody was immersed in their own worlds, holding conversations with each other. you can hear scaramouche, lumine, and childe bickering with each other with kazuha as their amused audience. aether… you were unsure if he’s still with everyone but you can notice that he’s out of it as he’s staring off into the distance. you were just happy to be there.
with venti seated beside you, he taps your arm gently, catching your attention.
“what about your mother?” he whispers. you can hear his worry behind his query.
you shrug. “i lied to her. i’ll just face the consequences when they appear.”
venti sighs a little at your response. after all, he knows about your relationship with your mother as you opened this topic up before you parted ways with mondstadt’s group.
childe’s gaze flickers over at you and venti, curiosity filling him. he could see venti’s worried look at you, making him wonder what you two were talking about.
a little later on, venti was able to convince everyone to play king’s cup, claiming he was ready and he really was. it was proven true by him showing his deck of cards to everyone at the table.
aether has been sleeping ever since he got his autograph, just not on his forehead. his last words before passing out was “can you make this a tattoo? i need it on my forehead.” seems like he’s really adamant about having your signature on his forehead.
by the time everyone called it quits, venti was the first to leave the bar, not until he greeted other bar-goers. apparently, this is not a new scene to their friend group, even calling him “mx. congeniality” by them.
kazuha had paid for all the drinks even though he only promised to pay for the first round. he said everyone deserved it and that he missed being around his friends. he had to leave as well to help lumine bring her brother home. the trio left an hour after venti left, leaving you, childe, and scaramouche at the bar.
you can see the sour look on scaramouche’s face when he checked his phone before putting it down again.
“your mom?” childe asks, sipping on his beer.
“wished it was,” scaramouche leans over the table, cushioning his cheek in his palm. “guess she just doesn’t care about me at all, huh.”
you silently listen to their conversation.
“i messaged her that i’ll be going home late because we’re out drinking but she just left me on read.” scaramouche added. though he’s masking everything he’s feeling, those feelings in question are seeping through his words.
“i’d rather have her scold me than leave me be, you know? at least i can feel she cares for me one way or another.”
“oh,” you hold your drink close to you. you didn’t expect to have a conversation about mothers out of the blue, the topic that hits too close to home.
“something on your mind?” childe looks your way, noticing your hold on your drink. you shake your head though it was a lie.
“got mommy issues too like me, [name]?” scaramouche smirks. is this his way of coping?
you drank a bit of your cocktail. “since the day i was born, yeah.” you try to humor your own suffering. it’s like his coping mechanism is contagious.
childe raises his brows in curiosity but says nothing in reply.
“bet we’d be great friends than ajax and i are.” scaramouche muses, clapping his hands.
“ajax…” you trail off, your gaze focusing on the man beside you.
the way his name rolled off your tongue made childe feel things that he couldn’t even reply to his friend. it felt too intimate to be called by his name, especially by you. he felt paralyzed.
relax, it’s just some sort of happy crush because she’s your idol, right? childe convinces himself internally.
“yup, that’s me,” childe laughs half-heartedly, trying to mask his emotions.
right?
scaramouche’s eyebrow raises.
“you never told her your real name?”
childe only grins in response.
“you’re fucking lame.”
you share a laugh with them before clearing your throat.
it wouldn’t hurt sharing a piece of yourself, would it?
“we… really do everything we can just to get our mother’s attention, don’t we?” you start off, smiling but you can’t deny the sadness laced in your expression. you were sure they noticed that too.
“i don’t mean to be dramatic nor do i want to paint my mom in a bad light but it’s not all rainbows and sunshine with me and my mother.” you admit to your two companions, both of them listening intently to your words. suddenly, the attention they’re giving you made you a bit nervous which made you take a quick sip from your drink.
“i just want to be good enough for her and for others honestly,” you laugh bitterly. “but at the same time, i want to be good enough for myself too, not minding what other people think.”
they continue to listen silently, chugging their own drinks occasionally.
“in short, i really want to pursue latin but my mother keeps pushing standard for me, saying that i must continue her legacy. but even though i pursued standard, even though i brought home back to back wins during nationals, it still wasn’t enough for her.”
childe blinks, eyes widening when he realizes that everything you’re opening up are the answers to his question.
“is that why you agreed with me when i said you don’t vibe with standard?”
you nodded in response.
“instead of loving what i do, i just ended up hating it. that’s why i took a break from ballroom to at least mend my hatred.”
“well that puts things into perspective,” scaramouche breaks his silence. “i can relate. i only took medtech because my mother said she wanted to have a child who’s inclined in the medical field.”
“what do you really want to take?” you ask out of curiosity.
“i wanted to be a diplomat but what i want doesn’t matter,” scaramouche scoffs. “if taking up medtech would appease my mother then so be it.”
you frowned at his response yet you couldn’t help but to understand why he did what he did. after all, you did the same.
“it’s not selfish to do what you want for yourself too, scaramouche,” you blurt out. “my mother doesn’t even know i’m part of the fatui group now.”
scaramouche only looks at you, brow raised at your words.
“…i know.” he grumbles.
the three of you continue to talk about random matters until scaramouche decided he wanted to go home. he left the two of you together, bidding a quick goodbye. but before he left, as he passed by your seat, he stopped to give you a fist bump. you found that to be quite surprising yet endearing.
with only the two of you left at your table, you play with the orange garnish decorating your glass. seeing the pigment of the fruit, you couldn’t help but smile as it reminded you of the ginger beside you.
which reminded you…
“i’m quite taken aback by you, childe,” you break the silence, looking at your friend. “you’ve mostly been quiet tonight. is something occupying your mind?”
childe chuckles at your question. “worried about me so much, miss [name]?”
you swear you rolled your eyes at his reply.
“after spending tonight with you, i just realized that there’s so much to learn about you,” he answers. “and if you’ll allow me, i want to get to know you better.”
why does he have to be so smooth with his words?
“only if i’ll get the honor to know you better as well, dear.” you respond, unconsciously playing along. is it the alcohol doing its work or is it your competitive spirit responsible for your current demeanor? who knows.
childe rests his cheek on his palm the moment he propped his arm on the table, looking at you intently.
“be my guest.”
you rest both of your arms on the table, arms on top of each other as you return his gaze.
“i answered your question already, though,” you pout a little. “won’t i get my answer too?”
childe huffs, leaning back in his seat.
“honestly, i genuinely don’t know why i don’t compete,” he frankly answers your question. “i just don’t think it’s for me you know?”
“lies, ajax.” you glare at him, unamused by his response.
“enjoying my name a little too much, aren’t we, [name]?” childe teases you, making your brows furrow a little as you felt a little flustered.
“i don’t know if i’ve mentioned this already but i only started doing ballroom as a hobby. competing never crossed my mind.” childe scrunches his nose, playing with his beer’s bottle cap. you watch him fiddle with the tiny metal, waiting for him to continue.
“i’ve had a few issues with some of my previous partners too. they always tell me i lead them on but in my defense, i was only being professional. you know the themes in latin right?”
you nod.
“so it was always a hassle for me to find a permanent partner for ballroom that i can compete with without having any strings attached. you know how vital it can be to stick with a partner until you both decide to call it quits.”
childe drinks the rest of his beer.
“though i can’t help but think that maybe it’s a me problem too?” he laughs. “regardless, i’ve always told them beforehand that i’m only here to learn and have fun. to do my part as a dancer. after all, i know that my strongest points as a dancer are my expressions and connection with my partner so i make sure i weaponize that.”
“to be fair, i agree. you really know how to put on a great performance.” you compliment him, reminiscing about your auditions. it reminded you of how he maintained his eye contact with you as he counted under his breath to guide you.
“i take pride in that skill of mine,” he smirks proudly. “thank you for recognizing that.”
“of course. i can’t wait to learn more from you.”
“that is if the coaches will let us partner up for the rest of the year. they might end up sending us to perform right away if they see our chemistry as partners.” childe chuckles.
“now that’s a reach,” you laugh. “but i’d really love to continue partnering with you. we’ve somehow established a rapport with each other and i think that plays a role in good partnership.”
childe doesn’t respond right away, taking in what you just said. i mean, to be fair, you were right. despite only knowing each other for a week, he can’t deny the connection the both of you have built so far.
noticing the silence, you blink a few times as you realize what you just said. you felt awkward asking him to be your partner out of the blue.
“ah but if you wish to explore…” you trail off.
“no, no,” childe cuts you off, waving his hands in front of him.
“i’d love to be your partner. if you’ll let me.”
there’s only so much you can take honestly and you feel like this is all an overload. way too much for you to handle. you can’t help but be reminded about what diluc and eula told you in your group chat. now, that doesn’t help the situation.
you could only mumble an okay to him, breaking eye contact with him to return your attention to your empty glass.
silence continue to prosper between the two of you, taking interest in the most unnecessary things just to keep your minds off the previous conversation.
“but [name]…” childe gently starts. you hum in response as you play with your straw.
“i hope you don’t have to worry about carrying all the burden on your own. you can always talk to me if you want to let them out. i’ll always be here for you if you need someone.”
hearing his words, you could only hung your head low. you let the strands of your hair cover your face to conceal your expression. childe doesn’t know how much that meant to you.
“…likewise, childe. thank you.” you could only say a few words to answer him, feeling overwhelmed with the events that have unfolded.
it felt weird that you’ve heard similar words of kindness and support and yet this is the first time you felt this way. all warm and flustered. perhaps it was because it’s childe saying them? you were unsure of the answer to solve your confusion.
starting tonight, you decided to just let things play out the way they are supposed to. you accepted that there are so many things for you to know and learn beyond just dancesport.
❀ author’s notes: i didnt know how to end it!! but as u can see i got carried away in writing again 😁
˚₊· taglist: open~ send an ask or comment to be added!
*ੈ✩‧₊˚ @kyon-cherri @tendo-shairdye @youraggedybitch
#smau#socmed au#childe x f! reader#childe x fem!reader#childe x reader#childe x reader smau#genshin x reader#genshin x reader socmed au#genshin x fem!reader#genshin x reader smau
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The Language of Flowers: Reaction
In which: I am made to feel things, get mad about being made to feel things, gush over prose, fall in love with Lyra’s ability to portray emotion, talk starry existentialism, start two petitions and go on a tangent about miserably sad fools who are boring and beige.
Lyra Brie! You’ve thrown a fish hook down my throat and are pulling out my heart! It is very painful!
“I can't tell her that I still love her even if I can't touch her like I used to.”
Right off, you got down that feeling of when something so significant happens it cracks your foundations, changes something inside that makes it feel impossible to connect to people like you once did, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much love, it’s just to much pain to bear.
“Mom still reaches out to touch me, instinctively”
Those instinctual habits from our love ones, that are well meaning, but haven’t caught up to the current reality, can be unmooring. We know they are meant with kindness, which’s adds all the more guilt to pain.
This whole first scene really hits home hard.
Theres a theme of isolation here, the kind of isolation that comes from when you are so trapped inside yourself that you become a stranger, watching life from the outside in.
The inability and struggle to talk about traumatic events is a very real and raw experience that more people have than we care to think. Pain is a very hard thing to acknowledge. You also included the anger at a trauma for what it’s taken away from the person. This makes her feel very dimensional, and genuine to me. She’s not just a passive punching bag. She’s sitting there, fully realized and with feeling.
**
Scene two and my first thoughts: Libraries are such sanctuaries! The power of story!
“Mom still believes I will just get better with time, the way she kept watering her wilted flowers thinking they would come back to life if she just cared enough”
Something something the way Our loved ones feel guilty for our pain, and then in our pain we feel guilty for their guilt.
“If only I could read, I could get out of this body, this tainted skin, for just a moment.” Then later “I was trying to escape my skin by crawling so deeply into myself that I was not part of my body anymore”
I think, many of us can relate very strongly to this urge for escapism. Why else would social media, video games, make up, Movie and Tv, fiction books ect be quite so popularly addicting? And then you also show us that disgust for the self after a traumatic event, even when what happened is not the fault of either us or our bodies.
“I resist the urge to hide…The second I make myself known to the people here, they will want to touch me.”
Aka “The mortifying ordeal of being known”
“Fix me, fix me, fix me, I want to scream. But I have no way to say anything.”
How badly do we want the pain to be taken away? How afraid are we of the pain it takes to heal?
“The smells of flowers and grass and early spring air fill me. This is what peace smells like.”
When I tell you I GASPED at this gorgeous bit of prose.
**
I appreciate how you don’t have her be immediately successful, immediately healed, as soon as she gives it her first try. How the power here lies in building trust, in choices, in her putting in the work of healing, and not just Love At First Sight Fixes All.
Pretty Boys are not cures!
**
“I can't decide if I hope he will or won't”
If that indecision isn’t a Mood.
“i don't want to be alone” will always get me.
“Would he ever be able to speak to me? This was lovely, right now, when we both believed I would be able to touch and communicate eventually. Would I, though? Even if I can use the flowers, that's still not the same. That's not my language”
You balance so many things so well in her: she has anger, hope, doubt, fear, grief ect. This juggling I think is what really gives this story’s emotional punches their strength.
**
“Statice sits on the ground next to me, trying to be close enough to be comforting without pushing my boundaries. I appreciate that.”
WE STAN A BOUNDRY RESPECTING KING!
Hes trying to comfort her on HER terms, in a way SHE wants, instead of what he thinks “should” be.
“I'm not sure I can. I desperately need to be held, to be told that I will be okay, that things will get better, but I cannot stomach the touch required”
Petition to get her a weighted blanket.
“..such an expanse to fill with dreams.” THAT PROSE AGAIN! I’m weak.
Also I want to live in a giant tree library with winged rabbits. Unfair I’m not.
Petition for me to to live in a giant tree library with winged rabbits?
“I start to worry about the anger I saw in him. I've never seen it before, but that doesn't mean it's not commonly occurring around other people. What if he's only being nice to me to gain my trust?”
She has such well developed emotion and a really authentic representation of PTSD.
The reoccurrence of this time line she set for herself: “It's nearly the end of spring, and I told myself I'd be better before summer.” UGH. You sneaky little mind spy Lyra Brie. How are so good at pulling out human experiences and emotions like that?
“To stare at the stars and realize how big the universe is, how much this all stretches beyond the two of us, and yet we get to be here together.”
Ah yes, the optimistic existentialism of
star gazing. It’s part of why I love it.
“He is choosing to spend time with me despite how hard the lack of communication makes our friendship”
You are always worthy of friends and love and human connection. Being “too much” is a lie and a scam invented by boring people in beige who are really actually quite sad and miserable. Don’t listen to sad miserable fools in beige.
“Why can't I just be normal?”
Totally not feral over this, no sir.
“I work on my sewing a bit, trying to stitch these pieces of fabric back together. Maybe I can't fix me, but I could fix these clothes”
What a wonderful illustration of one of those tiny life moments of trying to control what we can.
“I'm willing to give myself time, though, and I have hope that it will come when it's ready.”
Such beautiful character growth. We all need to relearn what it is to show ourselves this kind type of grace.
“ I don't know why I insisted on doing these things, even know they won't be able to understand or read any of it. They can't speak my new languages. There's still no way for me to actually communicate with them.
I sigh, laying down on the grass. I had insisted on starting this story, for some reason. I might as well finish it. Maybe not for them, but for me”
Sometimes it can silly to do or make something for yourself, but it really is very important. Even if it feels “too different” for others to understand at times. More people will probably get more out of it than you assume.
**
If I took a shot of water every time hope appears in Lyra Brie stories I’d be a very hydrated person.
“Maybe love is a language of its own, and you can feel it, even if you don't know what the other person is saying.”
No words. That stands on its own.
“Everything has changed. I am different. Will they be okay with that, once they understand? They'll have to get to know me all over again. But maybe some things are still the same.
Maybe this old part of me can be part of the new, too.”
Im so strongly in love with this I’m going to be sick!
The moments with her parents were she’s first hugging her parents again, telling them her story and she loves them, and how much she missed them- wow. Just wow. Wow. WOW. W-O-W. It’s hard to choose a favorite moment but that just might be it.
“I hold them out to him, encouraging his healing the same way he did all those months for me” What a lovely image to close with. I adore the reoccurring flower motif through out. That supportive element of floriography becoming such a healing, comforting thing really just makes this story all the more special.
To summarize: I was made me Feel Feelings against my will.
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Just Like You, Chapter 1
Word Count: 1.7k
Warnings: mentions of cannibalism, dark reader, mentions of stalking, implied smut.
I laughed to myself as the gorgeous man tried to charm me. He was sweet. And he seemed genuine enough. His corny jokes about living on aisle six, all while chatting me up in the produce section made the conversation feel like a fantasy meet-cute.
He was good. I had to give him that.
I normally wouldn’t have worried about someone like him…but the truth was I had been watching Brendan Steven Kemp for a while. He’d managed to catch my attention the second time I was in the store, and I noticed him chatting up an entirely different girl, using the same exact pick up lines. At first, I thought he was just some lonely guy. Until I dug a little deeper.
He stuck to his habits. That much I had known since observing him the past five weeks. He had been feeding his own addiction and his own growing client list.
Only now, for the first time, I was allowing him to see me.
And God, did he look at me like I was the only woman in the world. I knew that it was part of his game, part of his charm. But damn it, it drove me wild. I normally worked pretty hard at making sure no one noticed me. But there was something about Brendan Steven Kemp that nipped at my very soul. Something that screamed at me. I needed to have him. Needed to taste him. Deep down, I knew it was a bad idea. But I just couldn’t resist.
I did have to laugh though. My parents would be angry had they known just how much I had looked into him. The freshly graduated doctor was overworked and exhausted, which made for a firmer meat that had a bit more of a gummy texture unless it was well taken care of and relaxed properly; but that wasn’t anything some prep work couldn’t fix.
I was looking at my next meal.
“So, do you want to get a drink?” he asked after a few minutes of the harmless flirting, “there’s this bar down on fifth.”
“Sure,” I smiled softly in response. He licked his bottom lip as he eyed me up and down. For anyone that didn’t share my particular appetites, they would have assumed that he was just checking me out, probably imagining me naked for a romp in the sheets later. But I knew better as I had done the same exact thing. I was imagining him pre-portioned out, naked on my pristine worktable. Trying to gauge what would taste best. What dishes I could turn him into. The thoughts alone were better than sex. I would have a piece of him with me forever. My mouth salivated at the thought of what I was going to do, “I’m free tomorrow night if you are.”
“Tomorrow sounds great.”
“I can’t believe you used that corny pickup line,” I giggled as my hand slid on top of his. The look on his face as he caught my hand on his made him smirk. I bit my lip, trying to play it off as innocent and I removed my hand as I asked, “what? What is it, Steve?”
“Nothing.” he laughed with a shake of his head, “nothing…you’re just…cute.”
But it wasn’t nothing. I had seen how his eyes flickered on his hand, then to my own. I had done that same thing, pulled the same trick. He thought he had me right where he wanted me, eating out of the palm of his hand.
I could tell by the looks he gave me. He thought I was some innocent little flower that he could just pluck from the world. Some little thing that would go missing while the world continued to turn. From what I had told him about myself, I was his perfect victim.
I licked my lips, “this might sound crazy…I don’t know…maybe a bit too forward for a first date…but do you want to come back to my place?”
His eyes lit up, “really?”
I nodded, pretending to be the innocent little flower he thought I was. One that was slowly opening up her petals to him, “yeah. I mean, why not, right? They say that you only get to live once…so why not enjoy it? A-and I really like you…so I mean…”
At that, he grinned. It was a full-on Colgate smile grin as he watched me. He was quick to pay the tab, and the two of us were laughing, joking down the street as I walked the few blocks back to my city apartment.
“Faith…”
“Yeah, Steve?”
“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked briefly. I gave him a smile as he stared at me, “I don’t want you to feel pressured into this…”
To which I leaned up on my tiptoes and kissed him. He smiled into the kiss, his arms quickly wrapping around my waist. I moaned against his lips when he playfully slid a hand around to my ass, cupping it. Breaking away from the kiss momentarily, I looked down the street, and pulled him into the alley.
He played right into it, pushing me up against the wall.
“W-we shouldn’t be doing this,” he murmured against your lips. I giggled, feeling his hands quickly shifting from my body to nervously fumbling with his own belt buckle. He was eager, but he was trying to downplay it, “w-we…Faith, I don’t want you to feel-“
“Shut up, Steve,” I giggled, playfully biting his lip just a little harder than necessary. He let out an animalistic groan and his eyes snapped to mine. I was turned on by the dark look he gave me. I felt a wave of arousal dampen my panties and I knew I wanted him as more than just a meal. I saw his intentions in that second. He wanted to eat me too…but I wasn’t just a meal to him either, “Make love to me, Steve.”
“Do that again and I’m cumming in you,” he warned darkly. Instinctively my thighs clenched, and he smirked, the air between the two of us becoming increasingly thick. I looked down and away from him, realizing that I couldn’t close my legs because his thigh was between them. I felt his heavy, warm breath on my ear as I continued to look down, “you like that thought, don’t you, sweetheart? Want me to cum in you…I barely know you…what if I was some sort of dangerous man?”
My breath hitched in my throat. I was all too lost in the words. All too lost in the humorous thought that you knew something he didn’t.
‘What if I was some sort of dangerous man?’
“What if I was some sort of dangerous woman?” I asked. He smirked again and I couldn’t stop the playful laughter that spilled from my throat, “how many women do you offer to cum in on the first date?”
The darkness in his eyes disappeared as he stared at me, before finally laughing himself. The two of us shared in the laughter until finally it died down, his forehead resting against mine. I looked back up at him, and I felt scared.
There was an emotion across his features I didn’t recognize. It made my stomach flutter and I felt guilt for what I knew I was going to do to him. But before he could so much as raise a brow and question it, I grabbed his face and pulled him into a searing kiss.
He melted against my touch as he kissed me back.
“Faith,” he moaned softly between kisses. I moaned in response as his hands traveled back around my waist, “Faith…we should-“
“My place?”
“Yeah.”
I woke up, the sun streaming through my nearly sheer blinds, and a firm arm wrapped around my waist. I had barely shifted when he wrapped it tighter around me, his lips kissing the shell of my ear sweetly, “lets just lay in bed and forget about the world. Let’s fuck away all of our responsibilities for the day.”
I shivered, the huskiness of his voice sending a ripple of arousal through me. He chuckled and my nipples pebbled underneath his touch as his hand slid from my waist, up my stomach, and over my hardened peaks until he gripped my throat softly. His other hand gripped my hip as he ground himself against my backside.
“I think I could convince you,” he smirked, delicately nipping on my lobe. I moaned, grinding back against him, “you think we should stay in bed all day, Faith? Just the two of us?”
“S-Steve…don’t you have work?”
I felt him shake his head from behind me, “I have the whole day free.”
“Lucky me.”
“Matter of fact…I have a weekend coming up off too, which is pretty irregular. I was supposed to take a trip for work, but they cancelled it, so I have the weekend off in about two months…we could keep talking til then…and then,” he muttered, “we could spend the whole weekend in your apartment if you want?”
I smiled, “I have a family cabin upstate actually…if you want to get away. You know, just the two of us.”
“Really?”
I nodded, smiling sweetly as he let me turn around in his arms, “well…it was willed to me when my grandfather died…so it’s really just mine…but sometimes when I need to get away from the city I go there.”
I could see the look building in his eyes. It was a wide-open invitation. And from what he knew about ‘me’ I didn’t have any family left. My grandparents had been the last ones, they, themselves having raised me after my parents died in a car accident with my brother. But they too, were dead.
I was his dream victim.
No family.
Secretly well off.
Now a remote cabin that he would ‘take over’ had I been an actual victim.
I could practically feel him salivating at the thought.
“A-are you sure? I mean, we just met, sweetheart?”
“What?” I teased, my hands sliding down his muscular chest, “are you worried that I’m some sort of dangerous woman, Steve?”
He smiled, “not at all, sweetheart…I’d love to have you all to myself for the weekend…let’s go.”
Chapter 2
Tag list @manyoulookingood, @lohnes16, @blueeberryyy, @elbell20-blog
#fresh#fresh the movie#fresh spoilers#just like you#cannibalism#steve kemp smut#steve kemp#soft dark steve kemp#sebastian stan characters#brendan steven kemp
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Hello hello!! I can never get over your stuff and this time I’m here for a mash up :D
I am a girl who goes by she/her personally but I genuinely don’t care if people get my pronouns wrong. Call me a he and I would still respond. Though I wouldn’t correct anyone despite being proud that I am a girl. I am Hispanic but despite my strict culture I am very open to anyone and will welcome anyone with open arms. Any gender, background, looks, Even people who want to try to change for the better are welcome. I have dark brown/black (I don’t know depends on who you ask) that goes down to my lower back. But I am trying to grow it longer. My hair is always on a side braid on my left side and it’s only down during special occasions. I also have brown eyes with long eyelashes. I reach to a height of 5’4 and still hit my head, arms and legs on everything despite being average height. I really don’t enjoy getting angry and because of that it has been said by other people that I have a lot of patience. Wayyy too much patience apparently. I can just happily stand there while someone throws insult after insult and I would not do anything about it, and will wait until the end of the world if someone wants to tell me something but doesn’t have the guts to do it. I will wait. Somebody spilled something on me on purpose, don’t worry I always wear an undershirt just in case a clothing malfunction happens :D it’s really hard for me to get angry as I prefer to calmly talk through my way from tough situations. I really dislike holding on to a strong reliable image that people will put onto themselves to either his trauma or just to show there’s nothing to worry, because in the end of the day you need someone to cry on. I am more than willing to be that person can rely on without worrying about their strong person image. I will not tell a soul what happened until given permission too. I am extremely loyal and hold the people I love extremely close to my heart. Tell me a really private secret because I accidentally found out, you can torture me until I die and I will still not say a word. Having a really tuff living situation, stay at my place. Anything my friends give me I have cherish and kept safe for many years. Give me a rock and I will still love that rock to death. Just because it came from someone I love. I always keep a look out but not just for my friends but strangers too. My friends will complain that I keep disappearing and when they find me I am helping a stranger with their stuff. It’s really hard to avoid things when you have perfect vision. Thought I have a bad habit of undermining that things i do. I have a large passion for art but in my mind my art is the most mediocre art out there. I am pretty skinny and have a decent appearance, but in my mind I am not pretty. But I am fine with that. But sadly enough I do suffer from anxiety and with social anxiety. I will start fucking shaking if a situation goes wrong and its my fault. I have become non verbal in situations I am extremely nervous in because I can feel my voice cracking in fear so I mostly depend on body language. I’m slowly getting better at handling it by my self. It’s a work in progress. I am an artist at heart and not just with one medium but with all kinds of mediums. This leads me to fixing all kinds of things for people which I still enjoy in the end. I don’t mind loud people but don’t speak up on me and suddenly start yelling cause I will jump. I adore kids and will take care of any kids who need it. I often prefer to show my affection in physical touch like hugs, hand holding, or just doing a funny dance because we hear music in the background. I am traditional when it comes to my culture because the only food I know how to make is traditional Hispanic foods. I’m not kidding. But I love learning about new things.
That’s all I got for the match up. Thank you very much if you take this
Eventide
I match you with Masachika Kumeno!
•This is a bit risky since i don’t know much about him
•But he’s too adorable let’s goooo
•Masachika was likely drawn to your unusual patience and kindness
•I mean he, himself, is regarded as having both of these qualities, but sometimes he does get upset
•You, on the other hand, don’t which is why he couldn’t help but want to befriend you, since he thinks it’s quite hard to find good people
•He worries about you a lot
•Though Masachika approves of being nurturing and kind towards others, he doesn’t like to see you take the brunt of everything without retaliating
•So, say someone is insulting you and you aren’t doing anything about it, he’ll stand in front of you and lightly scold your offender
•He wouldn’t get physical unless that person says/does something really low and even then he’d rather not have you witness it
•He adores and admires the fact that you rarely get angry and have the ability to remain calm even in.. ah, troublesome situations
•But he often reminds you not to bottle anything up, and that he’ll be there to listen or to talk to if ever you need to rant
•As a demon slayer, there’s always the chance that today might be your last sobs which is why he makes sure to remind you of his love everyday
•No, seriously, he doesn’t find any shame in admitting his feelings for you
•He isn’t exactly like Zenitsu going around begging you to marry him, but complimenting you is a routine thing for him
•Though rare, he does have times when he breaks down from the memories of his brother’s death, he can’t remain strong everyday right?
•He loves it when you comfort him
•Wrap an arm around him and listen to him sob out his story and he’s yours for the day
•He values those he loves a lot, so he’s always putting your safety above everything, not wanting you to suffer the same fate as his brother
•It’s the fact that you’re such a loyal, gentle and trustworthy soul that makes him practically see you as an angel and he thanks the gods everyday for letting him meet you
•Since he knows you cherish gifts from people, he makes it a must to bring you little presents or trinkets whenever he can
•I feel like he’d be more willing to give you flowers, or ribbons
•I can totally see him struggling to braid your hair, but once he’s gotten the hang of it, he’ll probably tie ribbons throughout the braid, or stick flowers into your hair
•He’s fond of watching you go about your art and he’s gasping and getting excited over every little detail
•He doesn’t really understand how you see your art as being mediocre, but he understands that sometimes people don’t come to realize their talent
•Never the mind, he knows how pretty your art is
•Constantly frets over your social anxiety
•In moments when things are not going well and he sees you shaking or hyperventilating, he’ll sidle up next to you and squeeze your hand
•He is so proud of you for doing your best to handle it, and it doesn’t matter if it’s just baby steps, it’s a process so it’ll obviously take time
•He’ll be there for you until you get better and even after that
•He likes sneaking up on you from behind and covering your eyes with his palms, but if he notices you getting jumpy he’ll stop
•His voice automatically tones down when he’s around you, and he’ll be talking to you in the gentlest tone
•You and Masachika often find yourselves comforting kids who have gotten lost or have lost their families to demons
•He likes to leave it to you, since he melts when he sees you taking care of them
•In his free time, he asks you about your culture and in exchange, he tells you of his!
•He’d love to be able to try your cuisine one day and try out your dances but there’s never any time..
•Safe to say, Sanemi’s a third wheel in this
•Has a habit of giving you headpats absentmindedly
•It’s not really something he means to do, but it’s just- ruffling your hair or petting your head helps him calm down so..
•I feel like he’d be sort of affectionate, maybe not too much, but he wouldn’t be shy of showing small signs of affection, liiiike kissing your cheeks!
#demon slayer#kimetsu no yaiba#nan’s eventide.#masachika kumeno matchup#thank you sm for the kind words 🥹
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Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💖
Aw thank you so much for sending this 😘
1. Old Habits Die Hard
Pairing: Javier Peña x Horacio Carrillo (Narcos)
Oh boy, where to start with this ever-growing beast (that I’m pretty sure ticks all of these)? 😂 It feels like it’s been 84 years since I first started it way back in February 2021, but I promise we are getting near the end now! Copious amounts of blood, sweat, tears and love for these messy idiots have been poured into this, and it’s been such a massive learning curve which has challenged me in SO many ways. I also didn’t expect more than about two people to be interested in it, so when I think back on all the wonderful comments I’ve received, it kind of blows my mind.
I still don’t really know how I fell so hard for this ship, it wasn’t supposed to happen! Initially, I only wanted to cover the events of Explosivos because it’s such an interesting episode for their canon relationship never mind anything else, as it shows Javi’s unwavering loyalty to Carrillo taking full effect when he shifts from passive to active participant (the disagreement they have over Gacha is so raw and they both seem genuinely hurt by each other’s words…it’s one of my favourite scenes in the whole show), but soon decided I had to fix everything and it sort of morphed into an emotional slow burn?? I don’t even know and it certainly wasn’t supposed to get this ambitious or take up so much of my time. But their dynamic seems to really suit my writing style and the more I wrote for them the harder I fell and the more they became my comfort ship, so here we are in the depths of rarepair hell lol.
2. Secret Santa
Pairing: Javier Peña x Steve Murphy (Narcos)
I think this one will always hold a special place in my heart because it was the first fic I shared ❤️ A lot fluffier than some of my more recent writing, but it was Christmas and I still love the gifts I chose for them to give to each other. They feel very them.
3. All In
Pairing: Steve Murphy x Javier Peña x Horacio Carrillo (Narcos)
Tbh I have no excuses for this utter smut fest that somehow also doubled up as a character study 😂 Do you ever re-read some of your older fics and can’t quite get your head around the fact it was you who wrote them? Because this is definitely one of those lolol.
I’ve always been obsessed with the dynamics between these three, as there are so many fascinating layers going on. I’m never getting over the intimacy and trust portrayed between Javi and Carrillo, to the exclusion of Steve (and the viewer, seen as we see everything from Steve’s POV and we aren’t privy to Javi’s and Carrillo’s history either, but it’s blatantly there). Then on top of that you’ve got Javi being (over)protective of Steve, Carrillo being wary of Steve, Steve wanting to impress and be included by Carrillo and Javi but also not being afraid to sometimes push back against Carrillo...unlike Javi who is wrapped around his little finger. Honestly, they provide so much fic material.
4. Healing Hands
Pairing: Horacio Carrillo x Female Reader (Narcos)
Well, this originally started out as a ridiculously self-indulgent one-shot written in one sitting after I pulled my neck and could barely move. For some reason, I couldn’t get the thought of a certain grumpy Colonel’s hands out of my head and a massage seemed like an obvious use for them 😉 But then I got encouraging comments hoping for a sequel and it ended up being three parts of utter self-indulgence (and more feelings and character study than I had originally intended) and I have no regrets lol.
5. In Another Life
Pairing: Esteban x Female Reader (There Is a New World Somewhere)
As my only non-Narcos fic so far, I thought I’d include this for a bit of variety lol. This stemmed from one of the Maurice Monday group chats last Christmas, when apparently I was feeling all melancholic about the festive season and who better to scratch that bittersweet itch with than Esteban? That film messes me up every time I watch it 😭 So I transported him and reader to a log cabin in the snow for some angsty smut...although actually, there’s not that much smut and it’s mostly just lots of feelings and wistful yearning. It’s interesting to compare this Christmas fic to the previous year’s fluff fest...I guess I decided to embrace the pain in my writing over the course of a year?! 😂
#Fic author self rec#Narcos fic#Narcos#Javier Peña#Horacio Carrillo#Carrillo#Steve Murphy#There is a New World Somewhere#Esteban#Pedro Pascal#Maurice Compte#Boyd Holbrook#Asks#Ask#Replies
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God ok rewatching bjhm again and Sara Lynn…..my poor girl….and it made me think of you and your self ship with her and this might be too angsty of an ask and if so that’s ok you don’t have to answer it BUT!!!! If you/your s/i was in the show, how would you save her?
This is a VERY good question and I really appreciate you asking it!!! I'm going to put the answer under a cut, trigger warning for drugs mentions, I talk about Sarah Lynn's addiction, and also touch on my recreational st0ner habits (positively!) so just look out for that!
I've thought about this exact scenario a lot and every answer I come to is a little bit personally dissatisfying? But I think the least depressing answer is that I'd just. Love her? I'd love her so much and I'd dedicate all of my time to her. I'd never ask her for anything, I need her to know that I'm not just around to use her for something. I feel like the only reason she went on the bender with BJ is because she really, really wants to be loved. He's her father figure. She desperately wants a personal connection, even if her bitterness towards him seeps deep into a lot of their interactions. Nobody in her life loves her just because she's Sarah Lynn. They love her because she's Sarah Lynn. That's just how Hollywoo is. But I really do feel like BoJack loved Sarah Lynn, too. He just wasn't mentally in the right state to express it healthily.
I think I'd start small. I'd be really, really excited for her progress and celebrate with her on small sobriety anniversaries. I'd start encouraging her to look into architect classes, engaging her in conversations about cool buildings (my ultimate headcanon is that she HATES minimalism in architecture since it spawns horrible, ugly buildings) and I'd make SURE she knew how smart she was. I'd sing with her and bring in different silly instruments for us to bang some tunes on.
However, love alone is not enough to keep a person from relapsing. She's severely traumatized, as you know, so I'd also help her look into therapy. I feel like she needs someone partial to just get it all out to. A safe space where she doesn't have to be afraid of personal details getting out to the public. Hopefully it'll help her confront her personal issues in the difficult way, which I know she has trouble with. I'd do my best to make sure she's keeping up with her AA meetings, since I feel like they'd genuinely be helpful for her, and she clearly cares about them since she bothers to keep up with her sobriety chips (to the best of her abilities).
I'm just afraid that it wouldn't work, still? I love her, but all of the effort in the world might not be enough. I don't think she's doomed, not at all. She's an intelligent, loving woman with so much potential. But she has to want to fix herself for... Herself. Otherwise I'm sort of just putting a bandaid over a bullet hole?
I think the hardest part is that I'm traumatized, too. We're both severely damaged people looking for others to love us in meaningful ways. Healing is such a psychedelic concept for me, with lots of colors and intense positive feelings. I'm happiest when I'm smoking a bowl or a blunt with people who care about me, it's just. Refreshing and renewing, and I feel so seen in ways that I usually don't. I want to have those healing experiences with Sarah Lynn, too. One of my favorite selfship things I've done involves that sort of acid trip visualization of healing. It won't fix everything, but it brings us closer and allows us to understand ourselves better in a more abstract way, concepts that can't always be put into words. It's hard to actually say I could help Sarah Lynn in the long run, even though I'd really love to. She means so much to me, she's like my lightning in a bottle, if that makes sense. So I'd try. I'd try very, very hard. I'd just have to rely on other people trying hard for her, too.
#~ophelia's pop ballad~#Thank you for asking this and I'm so sorry I dumped all of this on you. I care about her so much#Sorry if this doesn't make any sense either!! Wow
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Whenever i die, I want to die knowing I bared my soul everyday even if i got hurt in the process. That i didn’t hide away in a house everyday ,too afraid to face the world and all its flaws. That I didn’t let everyone keep trying to destroy me with their words and their hands. I want to be better. I find myself being more honest and genuine everyday. I am not that sad little girl anymore, I am not that sad person who allows myself to be treated bad because i think I deserve it. I didn’t and i still don’t and it took me forever and a day tk figure that out. I still tear myself away from old habits that won’t go away and slowly hut surely change into who i saw myself being as a child.
I no longer grieve like someone died when i lose a friend due to whatever happens. In this case j knew when to walk away from people who were no longer interested in being a good friend to me. I tried to get them to see how they were and finding that their energy was not agreeable with me, I took myself out of the equation. I have grown.
I no longer am afraid of eye contact or speaking up when things feel wrong. Like a true Aries Rising i stand up for everything i believe in. I know when things are off and as much as people make me out to be this negative, overdramatic and ditsy person- I know that they don’t really know me.
I know me and that’s all that matters. I love myself. It’s not just a song telling me that anymore. Its my thoughts and how I treat my body. Some days it is still so hard and painful but I know I will make it.
I am not perfect, nor will I ever be that way. I’m Bloom and this is my Phoenix era. Even if I’m on this ship alone it’s mine to wreck and fix and wreck and fix until I feel it’s time to go.
I hope you can find a way to love every part of yourself including all the terribly horrendous parts.
(P.s. those are just the parts you fear)
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*Thinks and waves* Hi! Hmmm, well I'm not suuree what to ask about you and Yoongi soo how about, I ask for a gush post? OH WAIT! What about... telling me what makes him so special to you?! Like... hmm... I don't know any good examples, sorry. XS
Maybe something that makes your heart flutter for him or how he makes you feel like you're the most awesomely special person in his life ever? ouo
@mistmirror-village
No need to apologise, I rly appreciate u sending me an ask anyway even tho it’s not the easiest thing in the world 💕
First I’m gonna be honest…. Making me feel special isn’t an easy thing to do, not bc I don’t love and appreciate the ppl who try but bc I have a habit of convincing myself that whatever anyone may do for me isn’t genuine. These trust issues are smth I’m trying really hard to overcome tho, so the efforts from ppl who care about me are ANYTHING BUT in vain ok? It srsly means a lot
That being said,,, Yoongi is the kind of person that makes u feel safe talking to him about anything. He’s like a therapist in the form of a boyfriend lol (literally his hobby is teaching himself psychology) and even despite the language barrier between us, he’s really good at asking questions that help me reflect and he doesn’t try to fix my problems for me like Kazuma does sometimes but he’s still really encouraging and patient and empathetic—he doesn’t always know exactly the right things to say every time, but it’s his intent to be there for me and his ability to acknowledge when he’s made a mistake that matter yk?
He really is an angel TT my own little piece of heaven on earth
Anyway. This got heavier than intended lmao uhh. I mean, there’s all kinds of little things about him that I adore, but that’s one of the bigger things that I absolutely love to death about him
#if this spawns an idea for another ask in ur head please send itttttttt#ask#mistmirror-village#yoonquill 🐈🪶#vent#…sorta
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reaaalllyy hoping i finish all these sketches/doodles some day soon because i am very satisfied with them and want to see them complete lmmaaoo — we will see though because art fight is once again taking over my life and all my energy. but for now, you get sneak peeks of my most perfect imperfections (aka, they don’t look quite right but i’m still happy i got them started).
CW: venting/emotional (?)
ANYYYWWAAYYY — my quick tumblr diary vent entry is just gonna be me appreciating my best friend and picking apart my brain✌️🥹.
for the most part, life is kind of kicking my ass and everyday feels suffocating, but for once in my life, i genuinely have someone who i can comfortably open up to. it’s a weird feeling? being vulnerable in a healthy way? in a way, i think parts of my brain is trying to reject the idea that i can fully trust and ask for support from someone. i’m really not that sure why my walls have come down like this so quickly in a sense?? but i’m really grateful for each and every day that i am able to spend with them. there is nothing i could do to ever repay how much they’ve done for me. this has been the most growth i feel within my own character and emotional well-being. though of course there are many important people in my life, i’ve learned so much from just one person about so many different things and so many ways to think positively, accept myself, and to look for the things in life that may be fulfilling. i’m relearning to take care of myself more and to try to prioritize my well being. though life-long habits will die hard, the comfort of knowing someone cares enough to be patient while im growing hits me like a brick. as a chronic cry baby, i’m relearning that it’s okay to cry in front of people and that being sensitive doesn’t mean i’m weak.
the other day, i told my best friend my deepest secret after an especially rough night. i cried so fucking much that day. it’s terrifying to tell someone something you’ve been closely guarding almost all your life. it’s terrifying when the last person you showed vulnerability to in the same way told you to just find a way to deal with it and to never talk about your struggles again. it’s terrifying to give your all to people who tell you that you mean so much to them only to realize too late that you don’t actually mean as much to them. in every sense of my being, this fear still racks at my brain, though i think i’ve accepted it as my fate, my role and purpose. now, though it feels like a weight lifted from my heart, i find it terrifying to feel like i matter to someone just as much as they to me.
the intrusive thoughts in my mind warn me that i’m making mistakes. they tell me that i should run away, that i should put back up the fucking walls because they’ll keep me safe. but some part of me wants to trust again. i want to keep indulging in being able to rely on someone who doesn’t judge my very being. the guilt eats me alive each time but they reassure me that no boundaries are being crossed. though, even if i’m blinded by hopefulness and my experiences run parallel to that of the past, i will never resent everything i’ve learned and the validity i received.
as fucked up as i am of a human being, i truly hope in this world that everyone is able to find someone for them even half as lovely and genuine as my best friend. even if just for a little bit, i want to keep trusting in his words.
(if you happened to have read through the entirety of my vague-ass brain dump, thank you very much 🤭<3 i dont think much of it makes sense as it is past three am and i have had so very little sleep the last couple if weeks, but i wanted this here for myself hehehe — hopefully it had some sort of entertainment factor if you were bored enough to read it !! anyways, now that i’ve gotten this off my chest, time to try to fix my sleep schedule once more.)
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happy monthsary
wow it took me a while to write here again. and im here again because i dont know how to escape nor confront my feelings and the things that i cant control from happening. solutions dont work either. nor compromises. but im still holding on. we’re still holding on.
it’s our monthsary today and im celebrating it with a heartache. we’ve encountered monthsaries with problems and arguments but this time, it’s somehow unfixable. he’s with his friends now and i hope he’s having fun. im having a hard time to go to school, i really cant function. i did our genshin and played sims 4 all afternoon. i will wait for him to come home and open a new topic or solution on how to fix our relationship. this is becoming a habit. not a good one.
it’s been a hurtful month i didn’t thought this problem will last this long. i just want to fix us. i just want to feel his genuine ‘i love you too’ and ‘i miss you too’
i want to be normal again. i want us to go back to normal. i just don’t know how.
4/19/2023
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Jump then fall
POEMS FOR HIM: The After Poems (Robbing a Thief) Entry#14
I was six and I was trying to learn a bike. I never told my mother about my wounded knee but the fresh red blood doesn’t lie. I do not want to admit that it hurts because for a moment, I knew I enjoyed the fresh air brushing my face right before I fell. “Don’t you fall again,” she warns me, “it’s dangerous”. And it was beyond the reason of my young skin but also because my mother is protective. But I still did. It’s inevitable. It’s part of the learning, I say.
My mother insisted that I get the one with three wheels for guide and support but I want to learn it the hard way. I said I want it just like the others—raw, vulnerable, and complicated. I thought it’ll be more special when I learn through experience. Experience taught me all the things I wish I didn’t try. But I say no regrets too, hence, I try and try and I’m glad that I’m still trying. I had this habit of scratching the scab of my wound and mother said, “it’ll never heal if you kept on touching it”. And that’s how it is with you too because it’s hard not to touch fresh memories. My mother then poured alcohol on it and I can not hate her because sometimes, I need tough love to realize that I should have listened to her.
“He taught me a trick,” but the plot twist is that I am the one to be tricked. I should have never jumped then fall for you when you asked me to do so—because in the count of three, you hit the break and I was left hanging in the air, jumping and falling alone. I guess it was too late to realize that you were not beside me anymore. That trick scarred my heart, hence, I began to be afraid of jumping and falling again. There would be others inviting me for a ride but I won’t hold the wheel and as a passenger, I was only be a passerby too. And it’s shitty to be this naive because I know I really tried. Perhaps, time and ignoring it would heal it and maybe it does…temporarily. Band-aid can not fix a heart that always fall. Healing it means knowing not to fall with the trick again. Healing it means doing the trick only with someone who would hold your hand and catch you when you fall.
I am now twenty-two and I didn’t learn how to ride a bike. I never told my mother about my broken hearts but fresh trauma doesn’t lie. I do not want to admit that it hurts because for a moment, I knew I enjoyed the warm hands caressing my face right before I fell. “Don’t you fall again,” she warns me, “it’s dangerous”. And it was beyond the reason of my young heart but also because my mother is protective. But I still did, just like the old times. It’s inevitable. It’s part of the learning, I say.
And no, this is not about my bike. I think I still want to genuinely learn it—this time around, gently… only and only if it is gentle.
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Hi! So this issue has been bothering me for a little while. I have a friend who jokes about us and another friend all being in a relationship together. I’m not bothered by the polyamory but rather I think this friend genuinely has a has feelings for me and our other friend? I like this person platonically, they’re a good friend! My issue is that i know they are most likely looking for a relationship to “fix” them and their mental health. I think they have feelings because they will try to “spoil” me and our other friend more than I think a friend would, and they make jokes about us dating every time I speak with them. There are other details but they’re a bit more personal. I’m not sure how to address them about not wanting to date without hurting them. I don’t like them in that way and I’m uncomfortable with the dating jokes they make every time we talk. However, I don’t want to be the reason they fall back into old habits and ruin the progress they’ve made with their mental stability. I feel like I’m juggling glass balls on a tightrope. Any advice would be appreciated
Hey there,
This sounds like a really difficult situation to be in.
It can be so hard when we feel like we are the ones in control over someone else’s mental health stability and like we can’t do anything in fear that it will impact on their mental health in a negative way. It’s so very important though that we know personally that even though our actions may slightly impact on one’s mental health, it is in their control and up to them how much it effects them to some degree. For example, they themselves are in control over their own mental health, getting help and support if they need it and things like that.
I know that this is still a tough position to be in, but it sounds like you are not happy at all with how things are generally right now and so consequently something needs to change so that you can be happy, content, and for things to go back to as normal as possible. Or if they can’t go back to normal then you being able to move on from this friend without the feeling of guilt of them possibly going downhill mental health wise.
Would you feel comfortable in talking to this friend who you think may want to date you and let them know that you feel uncomfortable with the dating jokes and that you just want to be their friend, nothing more, nothing less. Depending on how they take the news, for example if they take it badly, then let them know they can get help and support from someone and especially if you fear their mental health may start to deteriorate. Here is a great page on getting help which you could even share with your friend if you feel it is applicable. Keep in mind though that you are not responsible for them or how they feel, this is something that only they can control and change for the better. I hope that makes sense?
So I guess that what I am trying to say is that it’s OK to talk to this friend about how you really feel about everything, and that you have nothing to feel bad about if you do this. Also, let them know that you are not responsible for their mental health but that there are other people like counsellors or therapist that they can chat to for some extra help and support!
I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!
I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!
Take care,
Lauren
#mha-lauren#advice#advice blog#mental health advice#anonymous#friend#friend wanting to date#not being in control of their mental health#getting help
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Dec 11 2022 (6:08pm)
Okay, so the past couple days during my little anxious swell I’ve reeeeaallly missed Izzy in a particularly gripping way. The feeling is new. I genuinely miss her, like in such a classical way. A way I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt in my life.
My feelings have become more confusing basically. I’ve forgotten about the frustration, and all the endless fighting, annoying things, and am now left with what I like about Izzy. Us just being tight, togetherness, company. I guess I’m quite literally not used to being this solo in this current phase of my life. Yeah, at many other times, it’s been my default state, but I’ve accumulated habits that are not that.
Yeah so, it’s rather intense. I go there to see her. I get emotional. Again, going over there is not wise. I have to learn tho lol. I hug her and it feels so good, I think of cuddling up together and watching a movie, the thought eases me. The familiarity of everyone, everything there… I feel what I am no longer in the company of.
Izabel says she doesn’t want to have another relationship in that house. I don’t blame her, and couldn’t agree more. It was a bit odd, and surely didn’t help things along, at least in the way that she did not feel in the right place.
Part of me wants to get back together, go back to normal, but the smart part of me knows that’s exactly what I don’t want. I don’t want to go back to what our normal was. It was not harmonious. It was stressful and draining and uninspiring. It was not bringing us joy and fulfillment.
It’s tough. I feel very disoriented. I’m here at my house. It’s a somewhat confusing setting. It feels foreign. I understand I shouldn’t be too weirded out. I’m just creating a new relationship with it, my room and I have some catching up to do. Not to mention, my own personal relationship with what my room is. I shared a room with Izzy for so many nights, it’s kinda weird being in my room, and having so much head space.
My mom says I should just enjoy the ride. She says I’m putting too much pressure on myself to figure it out. I think she’s right. I want to feel like I have it figured out though, even if it’s stupid, y’know? That youthful arrogance, thinking you know it all. I want the feeling of having figured it out.
Let’s figure it out right now. I know I’ll have a house, live somewhere, and I want it to be quaint, peaceful, cozy, full of love and life. That means I’ll need good money, and thus a good job. I’m working on that right now, and it should be great. I really need to lean into how great the world of video production will be for me.
I want kids, but only when I’m confident I can care for them very well. I’m quite sure I don’t want kids in my 20’s. Between 30-35 seems like a reasonable window, depending on how lucky I get, etc. This window is acknowledgedly clique, it’s hardly original.
So I need to work hard, build my value up, and enjoy myself. There are folks out there snortin coke every weekend, absolute debauchery, I needn’t feel prissy about leaning into my youth a little. Go out, have fun. Serious. This is something you must get out of your system.
Play fucking music. You’re so fucking talented man, seriously, you’re really really gifted. Such an amazing artist, you would make teenage Adrian so amazingly proud. Teenage Adrian would also tell you to loosen the fuck up! This is exactly what he was worried about, getting too tangled up in bullshit and not believing in yourself! Do him another solid and take a breath. Do something for pleasure.
Work on your video business. It’s going to ensure you don’t have to sell your fucking amps or some fucked up shit. Seriously imagine that! That’s what it’s about. You already know that life can be wack and that it doesn’t give a shit about what you want. Cover your ass, and enjoy doing it.
Fix your friendships. You’ve learned many lessons that you had to learn. No way out of em. You’ve got to make mistakes. Now fix em up, and never give up. Don’t be so hard on your friends, and paranoid they don’t like you or something. Remember when you had times you were aloof? Busy with other things? They have complex lives too, ones you can’t even understand. Have faith in them.
Take it easy. Relax. Enjoy. Quit complicating shit, yeah life’s proving weird and your nature is one that likes certainty, friends, girlfriends, feeling like a big mofo, all of which are in flux.
So there we go. You’re 25. Work on your career path so you don’t have to bitch about money. Play music and don’t give so many fucking shits about your none lost idealistic fantasy of a jerkfest your rockband is suppose to be. Honour the craft, fuck the rest.
Oh and, for now, yeah, you’re gonna be working some part time job. That is the price you paid for being a rockstar and not getting some other job. Remember that and deal with, don’t be a spoiled cunt. Milk it. You’re gonna be raking in dough soon enough, and you’ll remember the days when you worked some stupid, meaningless job and be jealous.
Nothing matters right now, don’t hesitate during decisions, just do whatever, all roads lead to Rome. What? I dunno. Just be cool.
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How the hell do I say this
I've done a lot of terrible things in my life. I've hurt people, and knowing that it stings them, burdens me. Although I have not committed problems on a scale as yours, but it just feels... relatable to know how much your past mistakes will chase you wherever you go, and you can't do anything to remove the trauma that you've caused, and you feel extremely bad for it.
Watching you on my laptop screen didn't really fix me, it didn't flip my life. But what it did taught me is that I should be questioning the things I do around me. The terrible things I have done were because I didn't know any better because I'm just an 18 year old person.. the terrible things you've done were because your family never taught you moral values like parents should. But that doesn't excuse both of our bad behaviours, as it still affects the world around us. Our actions matter the most even if a lot of people say things like "saying sorry is the first step". And that's going to suck because bad habits die hard.
I don't want to waste this youth I have right now repeating the same mistakes I've done before, push away the friends I have, act all high-headed when I'm at the top.. I will be more self-conscious of myself. And you; BoJack; are are case study of what not to be. I swear to god, I was rooting for you when you became a professor, and when you agreed with your friend Diane that you should be coming clean first then continue with your already-improved life that had the new you in it, but then you turned back into the old you.. I don't want to be like that. I'm scared that I might because it's a possibility especially when you're in panic mode, but I really don't want to be like that.
About that letter from Hollyhock.. I don't know what the contents inside of it are. I felt bad for you because she was the only family member you had and you would never hurt her, you tried to made amends for her, but she looked at this issue with you under a different light, and I wouldn't blame her for cutting ties with you. A part of me wishes that your half-sister would forgive you in the future but that can only happen if you start to make genuine improvements. And that's where the hard truth comes in; reputation is so easy to tarnish, yet so hard to get. Which is why I would want to be more self-conscious about what I do from now on to prevent that from happening. That doesn't invalidate your ability to be better though, I've had multiple people not forgive me for causing stings to them but I need to face it.
Ironically, a few days ago I sent a letter by post to my ex, sending her back a pin she bought for me. Felt like I needed to do so because it was emotionally exhausting to be with her knowing the circumstances of our breakup. So why should I feel bad about BoJack receiving a letter from someone who genuinely think he's a selfish murderer and borderline pedophile if I myself cut ties with my ex using post as well.. Maybe its' because I'm looking at your views of the story.
I love you BoJack Horseman. I genuinely believe you're a man with conflicting feelings just like I myself am. I want to be a better person while still learning and admitting to my past mistakes. I want to be better. This show motivates me to do that, even though I made you a negative case study. And I hope you do too, whether your friends are there or not... after being persecuted in the courts, I really want a good ending for you.
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