Blue Jacket

You stole the sky to sow the seeds of a single stalked perennial bloom adorned with clusters of vivid stars.

Yet, I insist to you that the barren beds of crackled soil can only get you so far.

Where skies of silver turn bright blue and all that’s left are slivers of you

You lent me the remnants of your heart (for only the gods know why) to fill an empty garden, desolate and dry.

he sent me that on twitter and he never wants to have matching outfits so obviously i had to doodle it 👍👍

タクティクスオウガリボーン：ファンアート集 Tacticsogre Reborn : fanarts

some more vent art because i have art block and cannot afford to have emotions right now yahooooo!!!

[vent here: read at ur own risk! very sensitive themes feel free to skip ofc, this is just my not so secret diary dump bc i know nobody reads these anyway lmmaaoo]

im trying very hard to keep it together but every ounce of my being wants to run away. i try to convince myself to listen to my friends, to carry on, to achieve what i tell myself i need to do before the inevitable. it feels so easy to just listen to the whispers in my mind. it feels like it would be so much easier to just give in; not just for myself, but all those around me. it’s hard to take care of myself, i really do not know how others are putting up with it. it makes me sad to think that im hurting others just by burdening myself and by acting the part.

it makes me sad to think that others feel like they have to take care of me because i cannot take care of me. i do not want to take care of me because the me of all my life is broken past all repair and held together by loose strings of who i even am. i know i am undeserving of love. at times i wonder if the love i give is genuine or if i am just holding on to the fraction of what i think i could feel. either way, i simply live selfishly and grasp with duality of the want to experience what i cannot afford and the need to make amends with my soul.

every action i make is one followed by regret. i’ve made some lovely and amazing friends yet i fear that forming these bonds will only hurt more people in the end. it’s hard to escape the mindset of feeling guilty for existing. i want to so very badly wipe the memories of all those who know or have known me. i want them to forget that i am the way i am. i want them to have one less thing to worry about in the midst of the cruelties of life itself. maybe i am selfish for wishing this for those i love as i cannot understand my own importance, but if i need to be selfish, let it be without harm to others.

in my own field of education, i often worry that i will not succeed. though i have the drive to help and please others, i lack the same sentiment for myself. i worry that i will not be able to care for others right because i cannot even care for myself. i tell myself that i just need professional help but i fear the consequences of opening up. i fear making myself another responsibility to others when i already do that enough. i know a professional knows what to do but i cannot find the will to open up to those around me about needing a professional.

for now i will just keep crying myself to sleep. for now i will just keep telling myself that i’m not allowed to go. for now i will keep trying to convince myself im deserving of my life even if i do not believe what i say. for now i’ll keep trying to make it to the next day.

quick heizou doodle because im stressed out in a painting that im currently doing 🥹

reaaalllyy hoping i finish all these sketches/doodles some day soon because i am very satisfied with them and want to see them complete lmmaaoo — we will see though because art fight is once again taking over my life and all my energy. but for now, you get sneak peeks of my most perfect imperfections (aka, they don’t look quite right but i’m still happy i got them started).

CW: venting/emotional (?)

ANYYYWWAAYYY — my quick tumblr diary vent entry is just gonna be me appreciating my best friend and picking apart my brain✌️🥹.

for the most part, life is kind of kicking my ass and everyday feels suffocating, but for once in my life, i genuinely have someone who i can comfortably open up to. it’s a weird feeling? being vulnerable in a healthy way? in a way, i think parts of my brain is trying to reject the idea that i can fully trust and ask for support from someone. i’m really not that sure why my walls have come down like this so quickly in a sense?? but i’m really grateful for each and every day that i am able to spend with them. there is nothing i could do to ever repay how much they’ve done for me. this has been the most growth i feel within my own character and emotional well-being. though of course there are many important people in my life, i’ve learned so much from just one person about so many different things and so many ways to think positively, accept myself, and to look for the things in life that may be fulfilling. i’m relearning to take care of myself more and to try to prioritize my well being. though life-long habits will die hard, the comfort of knowing someone cares enough to be patient while im growing hits me like a brick. as a chronic cry baby, i’m relearning that it’s okay to cry in front of people and that being sensitive doesn’t mean i’m weak.

the other day, i told my best friend my deepest secret after an especially rough night. i cried so fucking much that day. it’s terrifying to tell someone something you’ve been closely guarding almost all your life. it’s terrifying when the last person you showed vulnerability to in the same way told you to just find a way to deal with it and to never talk about your struggles again. it’s terrifying to give your all to people who tell you that you mean so much to them only to realize too late that you don’t actually mean as much to them. in every sense of my being, this fear still racks at my brain, though i think i’ve accepted it as my fate, my role and purpose. now, though it feels like a weight lifted from my heart, i find it terrifying to feel like i matter to someone just as much as they to me.

the intrusive thoughts in my mind warn me that i’m making mistakes. they tell me that i should run away, that i should put back up the fucking walls because they’ll keep me safe. but some part of me wants to trust again. i want to keep indulging in being able to rely on someone who doesn’t judge my very being. the guilt eats me alive each time but they reassure me that no boundaries are being crossed. though, even if i’m blinded by hopefulness and my experiences run parallel to that of the past, i will never resent everything i’ve learned and the validity i received.

as fucked up as i am of a human being, i truly hope in this world that everyone is able to find someone for them even half as lovely and genuine as my best friend. even if just for a little bit, i want to keep trusting in his words.

(if you happened to have read through the entirety of my vague-ass brain dump, thank you very much 🤭<3 i dont think much of it makes sense as it is past three am and i have had so very little sleep the last couple if weeks, but i wanted this here for myself hehehe — hopefully it had some sort of entertainment factor if you were bored enough to read it !! anyways, now that i’ve gotten this off my chest, time to try to fix my sleep schedule once more.)

yeah they dropped a new love language. yeah a sixth one. its biting

in case anyone else needs to hear this it’s ok to be more serious. i don’t just mean ‘it’s ok to be serious sometimes’ i mean in general. not everyone has to be funny. it doesn’t have to mean you’re sad or unlikeable. you can just be serious and genuine most of the time and that’s great. i personally think that we’re too focused on ‘funny’ as the primary carrier of likeability right now. i often feel starved for serious conversation, for serious spaces, for a feeling of gravity. you don’t have make good jokes to give people a good time. i say, goof only as the spirit moves you, & don’t worry about it. 

they need to make more study places for bitches who don't want to expose their back to an open room

im like if the sleepiest person in the world was awake

just give me 20 to 40 minutes to think on it and i can come up with the most passably human sentences you've ever heard so help me god

me personally? i die every night and come back wrong every morning but no one notices because i've been doing that for a long time so it's just kinda par for the course

this is an unfinished piece i started a while ago that idk if i’ll finish in the near future but i still like it tbh idk ✌🏼🤩

cw: venting about friends

life is a blur and friend and family drama is overwhelming. i’m trying to take care of both my physical health and mental health but i am just a little weaker than i wanted to be. i am very lost on what to do and i just want to cry because i am so uncomfortable in my own skin while i’m trying to do something that i thought would make me happy. my ssri medication got started back up so hopefully i stop feeling this way but i am stressed to the core. i shake like a little chihuahua even as i try to fall asleep now.

why are we expected to read people’s minds in order for them to even be able to tell us what they want from us? i am tired of miscommunication and when they misconstrue my words.

i am calm for now because it is 4 am and i am sleep deprived but i know when tomorrow morning comes, or at least, the version of it that i have come to know as i try to avoid being awake, i will be overthinking every interaction all day. i know that i will spiral about every situation and what i can do to feel like i am not walking barefoot on shattered glass. i know i’ll cry about it and tell my best friend. i know he is tired and hurt as well. i do not want to hurt him further or make him think about all these screwed up little things. he doesn’t deserve even half the shit i drag him through.

maybe if i hadn’t been selfish and rushed into things while dragging those i care about into a project involving people they’re uncomfortable with, this wouldn’t be happening. karma holds a knife to my throat to remind me of my greed.

what did i think was going to happen? everyone suddenly becoming best friends? that people would suddenly change and portray personas that were convincing enough to grant me peace?

once more my naïveté and misplaced hopefulness creates issues. i want to set boundaries. i want to cut off those who conspire against mine and my friends’ names. i want to be there for my friends who have faced every nonsensical reality with me.

maybe i need to do some more growing. i want to be a better friend and i want to stop hurting the ones i love.

how do i stop hurting them?

here is a doodle with me and my favourite people. i wanted to draw something that made me happy before i got to work this week. time to try to focus on what is right in front of me.

i love you online friends i love you movie nights in vc i love you minecraft servers with mutuals i love you falling asleep in vc with your friends i love you texting "good morning!" every day i love you texting "good night" every evening i love you sharing little happy things about your day with each other just to be excited i love you work vcs i love you mutuals who become genuine close friends i love you

every month is autism acceptance month with mutuals like these