#it’s an irreversible thing that they never once discussed
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Ok so tiny rant about why the Immortal Desires ending is one of the all time worst choices endings to absolutely no one’s surprise:
First there’s the plot ending:
Yes, this is the last scene of the book (unless you get the bonus scene). The book ends with MC randomly having been turned into a vampire, and if you buy every single talisman throughout the story, you get a bonus scene. In the bonus scene you find out MC was going to die, and that Cas and Gabe turned her without her consent while she was unconscious after never having discussed her being turned or her feelings on the matter before then. Then they didn’t get the chance to tell her until she figured it out on her own. And then once MC figured it out she’s like “cool, thanks for saving my life, no big on the vampire thing.”
Think I’m joking?
That’s literally the line.
And this is where the whole book ends, so MC never gets upset, never talks to them about it, nothing. She’s just totally cool with being turned into a vampire without her consent while she was unconscious.
Also, keep in mind, the entire explanation for why she’s suddenly a vampire is in the bonus scene, so unless you spend about 100 diamonds on all the talismans, you do not get this scene. The book just ends with MC suddenly becoming a vampire.
Then there’s the poly situation.
Throughout the entire book the romances are set up so that you can romance Cas, Gabe, or both of them together. And when I say together I don’t mean u can pick both of their scenes and just decide in the end, I mean there are multiple diamond scenes throughout the book where u can pick a romance scene that includes both of them together. It’s one or the other or both of them together throughout the entire story.
For example, this is the final diamond choice:
You can choose them both together.
Now what, do you ask, happens in this scene where they all three confess their feelings to each other? Cas and Gabe confess their feelings to MC who says “for now I can’t choose between you, I hope you’re okay with that.”
AND THEY ARE. They both say “you can’t choose right now and that’s fine.”
Think I’m joking?
The thing that makes me truly furious about this is that they spend the entire book focusing on the relationship these three develop together. They have diamond scenes together. They have romantic scenes together. And then in the end MC guiltily feels like she can’t decide between them???
They not only set up a poly relationship and didn’t follow it through, but they set up a poly relationship and then made MC feel guilty about wanting them both. If the entire book it had been framed as one or the other, I wouldn’t be so mad, but the entire book it was framed as one or the other or both together.
So to conclude: it’s a rushed ending plot wise, MC is turned against her consent and without her knowledge and is not only fine with it, but in fact grateful for the violation, and they spend an entire book purposefully setting up a poly relationship and then at the last minute force guilt on MC and make her choose.
So yeah, one of the worst choices endings I’ve ever read, and I read wolfbride.
#FUCK pb#this is it this is my breaking point#I’m done just done#i understand they were the LIs but no way MC is not only cool with but also happy about someone violating their body like that#it’s an irreversible thing that they never once discussed#we should’ve had the choice to react badly#we should’ve been given a reaction at all without the bonus scene#I’m fucking furious#playchoices#choices#pb#pixelberry#immortal desires#choices ID#cas harlow#gabe adalhard#gabriel adalhard#gabriela adalhard
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I am currently detained in an Israeli jail, the result of refusing to attend or cooperate with criminal charges laid against me and two others for joining Palestinian protests in the West Bank against Israel’s colonial rule. Because I am an Israeli citizen, the proceedings in the case are held in an Israeli court in Jerusalem and not at the military court, where Palestinians are tried.
It has been almost nine years since the last time I was incarcerated for more than a day or two. Much has changed since. Politically, reality does not even resemble that of a decade ago, and none of the changes were for the better.
Politically, the world seems to have lost much of its interest in the Palestinian struggle for liberation, placing Israel at one of the historical peaks of its political strength. I am in no position to discuss the profound changes within Israeli society and how even farther to the right it has drifted. Israeli liberals are much better suited for such a task, because they hold their country dear and feel a sense of belonging that I cannot feel and do not want to feel.
Personally, I am older, more tired and, mostly, not as healthy as I was. Of course, the price I have paid for my part in the struggle is a fraction of that paid by Palestinian comrades, but I cannot deny its subjective weight on me: from physical injuries, some irreversible, through sporadic despair, anxiety and sense of helplessness, to the encumbering sensation of loss and the presence of death – and the grip all these have on my day-to-day life. And yet, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Right now, just as it was back then, sitting in prison is better than any other alternative available to me.
The legal fallacies that riddle the case against us are of little significance. While it is fair to assume that had I agreed to cooperate, the trial would have ended up with an acquittal, my refusal to recognize the court’s legitimacy is based on two main grounds.
The first is that my Palestinian comrades do not enjoy the luxury of being tried in the relatively comfortable conditions of the Israeli courts. Rather, they are tried as subjects in the parody of a legal system that are Israel’s military courts. Unlike me, Palestinians do not have the option of refusing to cooperate with their captors, since the vast majority of them are tried while remanded into custody for the duration of their proceedings.
Additionally, the punishment Palestinians are faced with is significantly harsher than that specified in Israeli law. Thus, in this regard as well, despite refusing to recognize the court’s legitimacy, the price I am likely to pay is significantly lower than that paid by my comrades.
The second, more fundamental ground to refuse to cooperate is that all Israeli courts, military or otherwise, lack any legitimacy to preside over matters of resisting Israeli colonial rule, which employs a hybrid regime, ranging between a distorted and racially discriminatory democracy in its sovereign territory and a flat-out military dictatorship in the occupied territories.
Faced with the tremendous shift to the right in Israeli politics, the shrinking remnants of the Zionist left – once the country’s dominant elite group – are consumed by lamenting the decline of Israeli democracy. But what democracy is it they wish to defend? The one that has dispossessed its Palestinian citizens of their lands and their rights? The one that, at best, views these Palestinian citizens as second-class? Perhaps it is the democracy that governs the Gaza Strip through vicious siege while it reigns as a military dictatorship in the West Bank?
Despite the obvious nature of the Israeli regime, Israeli liberals are not willing to contest the fundamental premise of internal Israeli discourse and acknowledge that the State of Israel simply is not a democracy. Never was.
To join the fight to topple Israeli apartheid, the few Jewish citizens of Israel willing to do so will first have to recognize that they are overprivileged and be willing to pay the price of relinquishing that status. An open rebellion against the regime has been taking place for decades, carried out by the Palestinian resistance movement. The price paid by those involved in it is immense. Jewish citizens of Israel must cross over and walk in their footsteps.
#anti-colonialism#anti-prison#Israel#Jewish anarchism#anarchism#climate crisis#climate change#resistance#autonomy#revolution#ecology#community building#practical anarchism#anarchist society#practical#Jonathan Pollak#practical anarchy#anarchy#daily posts#communism#anti capitalist#anti capitalism#late stage capitalism#organization#grassroots#grass roots#anarchists#libraries#leftism#social issues
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Heres the thing: Danys idea of ruling with an iron fist is to cruely punish all she deems as wrong doers with no due process and then is defensive about pushback. Such as her refusing to acknowledge that she crucified Hizdahr Zo Loraq's father, then when he informs her his father was an intelligent and highly respected man who tried pushing back against the other more cruel masters behavior, she did not say anything but scornfully remind Hizdahr that shes in charge and to watch what he says.
She doesn't see people who engage in bad behavior as worthy of redemption when it's a crime she views as irredeemable.
Jon starts the story somewhat uncomfortable with the fact that some of his brothers in the Nights Watch have done awful things. There are criminals, thieves, murderers, and rapists who are all now his brothers.
But the longer Jon is there, the less he judges them for it because now he sees them as people trying to find new footing in life. He condemns those who decide to re engage in awful behavior, and punishes where needed. But he is not cruel in the punishment and gives them every fair process.
He takes Janos Slynts head as it is traditional Northern practice of execution, and he is very respectful and calm when telling him he is allowed to say his final words. Jon looks him in the eye, and hears his final words before executing him as he does Bowen Marsh, Othell Yarwick, and Ser Alliser Thorne in season 6 when he hangs them. He takes ending a life with respect, because he is not punishing them to be cruel.
Jon does not look down on his brothers for being criminals in their past, because he grows to consider the Nights Watch a chance at redemption.
Dany punishes with cruelty as she sees fit because she is black and white about when someone does something wrong. Jon gives those men a chance to prove they can better themselves after having committed that crime.
These two could never even have a civil discussion because Jon's entire thing is giving people a second chance to prove they are more then their worst moments. Danys entire thing is deciding her viewpoint of right and wrong is the only justification she needs to punish.
Jon executes men himself in what is seen as fair and just practices of execution that respects the criminals right to speak his last words or make a final request and does not feel any joy when doing so. He takes it seriously because even in death, these bad people are still human just like Jon.
Dany gets her army to crucify hundreds of men without any hesitation, and stands up at the top of her newly claimed temple with pride as men in the city scream in dying pain.
Jon rescued six direwolf pups by imploring his fathers empathy that his children were meant to have them. And does not raise Ghost to be a killing machine, but instead utilizes Ghost as a means of defences and protection. His direwolf is an extension of his identity and raises Ghost to value life as he does.
Dany considers her dragons her children and only once condemns them after one of them has done irreversible and horrific harm to an innocent child. Dany burned alive her own slave, a healer who was gang raped by Danys own people, doing so for her political cause, and killed her in what we know Jon considers a horrible way to die, all to birth dragons who she repeatedly uses on purpose to cause massive damage and harm.
These two would never even get along at a basic functioning level.
#game of thrones#a song of ice and fire#asoiaf#jon snow#anti jonerys#anti daenerys targaryen#anti targaryen#anti targ stans
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I saw the teaser and it got me thinking…
It’s not some mysterious happenstance that lead to Melissa McBride appearing on our screens again. She’s still around in TWDU because she is responsible for so many of the most iconic, rewatchable and deeply engaging moments and that isn’t easily forgotten among fans. We will always want her here so we can continue the story with Caryl as a united pair. And much as I share in the enthusiasm over how powerful her presence is, that alone isn’t enough! The quality of their story together still matters to us. The generic “thrills” aren’t working. I’m sure Melissa wants quality material to dive into as much as the fans do. She considers us in a way that others working on this spin-off will not. However, the fans will always be an objectively important aspect to the show’s ongoing success or failure. After all, who’s going to be watching?
It can be hard to believe our voices are being heard after countless disappointments, cruel shipbaity manipulations and needless retconning; it has often felt like we haven’t been valued. But the more we speak up about our expectations, the greater chance we have of getting them met. I don’t want past missteps to discourage us to the point of accepting something merely “inoffensive.” Let’s think of what this spin-off could be!
Nothing in those promos is engaging me on a meaningful level and this far along into a story, that shouldn’t be a difficult task. We need to see major changes going forward, especially with the writing. The title alone is unacceptable, and even if I could accept it (which I can’t!), “acceptable” isn’t enough. Once whatever future we get for Carol and Daryl is on our screens, it can’t be undone. Once it’s been decided, we will have to live with it forever. So now is the time to have the highest of expectations and demands. Nothing is set in stone yet! Now is a better time than any to pour our energy into advocating for what we want to see. I’d rather be criticizing the show now rather than once it’s been irreversibly ruined by the current showrunner (Zabel). We know we are going to see Caryl together again, that is our only guarantee atp. Which version of the spin-off we get, could still change, especially going into S3! We don’t have to settle for a lesser version of what should be OUR show.
Our dedication should be rewarded with something to look forward to, not something that causes dread. The dread of further disappointment is what drove viewers away. It burned me out to the point I never finished watching S11 of TWD. I didn’t tune in for the initial season of the spin-off because omitting Carol was the most nonsense decision imaginable. The only thing that would make me consider returning is a storyline worth my time. Because boy do I get invested when I give a damn. Imagine getting a story with actual stakes and payoff. Something a little more captivating than watching two friends suffering through seasons more of the apocalypse.
The purpose of reuniting these two is to profit on their unmatched bond and chemistry. They are capable of anything when they are together and taking their relationship to the next level would open up so many new possibilities storywise. Give us something fresh tonally. Let the relationship develop naturally into something romantic as it always should have been. That’s what’s going to get people talking and clamoring for more. That’s what’s going to get word to reach those who left. Seeing a middle aged couple headlining a series is groundbreaking tv and that representation alone could bring in loads of new eyes and reinvigorate online discussion.
What show are they trying to sell me based on the brief window into S2 with tonight’s promos? Caryl’s relationship isn’t the centerpiece here. What I saw was an attempt to catch my attention with repetitive action sequences. There’s nothing original about shootouts and car crashes and distractingly bad looking CGI blood and verbal cliches. Carol interacted with Daryl’s props? That’s the best you can give me? The unique draw this show has, that makes the appeal one of a kind, is Carol and Daryl played by Melissa and Norman. That’s an absolute narrative goldmine and something no other show on tv can claim. I’m echoing so many other fans when I say this. We are able to see the potential for greatness. An emotionally intimate slow burn relationship built over many years will always have within it a vast, complex narrative to explore that new characters cannot bring to the table. AMC has a rare gift in their hands. Continued success of the franchise hinges on the network making the right call when it comes to this duo. That’s where the attention should go. That’s the tease I was looking for tonight. That’s the upcoming payoff that would win back my trust and viewership. I want to see something I can feel passionate about again. We understand these characters aren’t learning to navigate the world without each other. They are fighting to stay alive so that they can be together again and realize their relationship in a way that is new. Caryl’s history runs deep and they couldn’t give us a single emotional beat to grasp onto in the promo- that’s how I’m feeling right now.
Side note cause I can’t help myself but I know I’m not the only one who noticed that Melissa McBride is a total smokeshow in that teaser. It’s not an obscure observation by any means haha. She looked goddamn amazing and badass and well, fucking hot 🥵 It is an undeniable privilege to see this woman on our screens again.
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So we know Merlin had shared all of his magic and destiny related worries with Gaius, dilemmas like laying his secret out to Arthur, Morgana, or anyone ever, or the trusting Morgana and Mordred against the profecies, and there's a steady pattern of Gaius raising serious and eventually prevailing doubts in Merlin about doing all of these things. Right, Gaius has a fine ability to talk Merlin down from doing and saying stuff.
If only Merlin had mentioned his consultations with the shifty, vengeful, lying dragon as well...Wouldn't Gaius caution Merlin against that, too? Then imagine if Merlin's conscience wasn't overpowered by fear of the ominous words of a centuries old magical creature. It's possible that without Kilgarrah's constant presence in the equation Merlin would never have come to doubt Morgana and Mordred so irreversibly. That would have done more good than stabbing Morgana in the back instead of opening up to her I think. But seriously, why didn't he mention the dragon then?
I had always found it odd that during his most impressionable era Merlin never talked about Kilgarrah to Gaius. It's also out of character for him not to discuss it. Maybe Kilgarrah put a spell over Merlin that keeps him from mentioning his own input to the greatest warlock's decisions or manipulated him otherwise, maybe he even "warned" Merlin not to do so?
What I'm thinking is Gaius once used to known Kilgarrah personally before the great purge and had some juicy conflict with him that we don't know about.
#if they make a prequel I want them addressed too#bbc merlin#merlin meta#merlin#gaius#kilgarrah#enough you're going in the queue
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Hey what if HeavyMedic adopted Scout. I wrote about that
“3, 2… 1.”
The camera flashed, whirring quietly while it spat the film out. The photographer took it from the dispenser and shook it a little, showing the family that had now crowded around them the just-starting results of the photo. They couldn’t see it clearly yet, but this didn’t dim their excitement.
“The photo will be clear in an hour,” they said, handing it over.
“Gut, danke schön!”
“Heavy also thanks you.”
The photographer gave a formal bow and packed their equipment, bidding their slightly strange customers farewell. It didn’t much matter to them, though, because they paid good money.
Once alone the new family yelled and cheered ecstatically, crushing themselves into a massive and deliriously overjoyed bear hug with Scout in the middle of it. They couldn’t see each other through the laughter, or tears, but they clung to each other. This little family, this bond formed from chance and the unyielding determination to make it, was finally official. The paperwork had been signed, approved, and a photo was taken to permanently seal this moment in history.
Scout was their son.
Heavy had a sudden surge of overwhelming affection, hoisting up both his husband and son and spinning them around, an act done out of unbridled love. It only stopped short when Scout choked out that he was crushing him to death, but it was taken in good humor. Medic fixed Scout’s clothes, and then let him run off to tell the others about his adoption. He was better than all of them now; he had two freakin’ dads! That was more than he’d had in his entire life and probably more than they had in theirs. And he had a mom. He was truly the superior man. All he was missing now was a girlfriend, but, y’know, that could wait.
The other two mercs talked quietly amongst themselves, discussing their decision and the excitement and nervousness about being parents. Medic reassured Heavy that there would be no need to buy bottles because Scout was already an adult, which was a hard sentence to say without laughing. Heavy had been so anxious he’d simply forgotten, and mildly stewed in embarrassment for a moment. All was quickly forgotten when his husband kissed him, something sweet and simple, and he mellowed out again. He leaned down to return the favor when they were both interrupted.
“I see you’ve adopted my son.”
They turned, mild surprise turning into annoyance and disinterest. A tense beat of silence passed as Spy paused to light a cigarette.
“You’ve known about it,” Medic said stiffly, and the Frenchman held up his hands.
“Of course. I’m not looking to start a fight. I only wish to ask of you one thing,” he said. The other mercenaries stared him down, expressions and stances hostile. Spy was very aware of this, and submitted to it.
“Please …Be better men than I was. Take care of him.”
Gravel crunched under Heavy’s feet as he took a few steps forward, Medic trailing behind him with a hand on his shoulder.
“You were not “man”. You abandoned our son like coward, and you are telling us to be men?”
“Yes. We are offering him something you were never capable of giving. Even now, you can’t get past your pride enough to tell him you were an idiot. It’s quite insulting.”
Spy did not say anything for a long while. Emotions he had worked so hard to bottle up were resurfacing like shattered glass in his stomach. Shame. Anger.
Regret.
“Es tut mir leid, Ludwig.”
“Don’t. This discussion is over. I feel it fair to say to leave our family alone. We are coworkers at most and this matter does not concern you. If you have as much wit as you say you do, you will understand this.”
Heavy only had one other thing to say. Spy did not deserve his wasted breath.
“Do not apologize to Doctor. Apologize to Scout.”
And with that, there was nothing more any of them had to say.
Spy had lost his wife, his son, Medic, and Heavy. They were never “friends”, not really, but it felt like something irreversible had been chipped off, sunk to the bottom like a chunk of ice in the ocean. Something already fragile. Something already hard to hold on to, easy to slip up, to ruin. And he had done all of it. There was nothing left of his and Scout’s relationship to repair. One had never been fostered in the first place. It was all just unthinking selfishness, the need to preserve his dignity over letting his son heal. He thought about it. About what it must feel like. To know you had a dad, but not if he ever loved you. If he was there at all.
Scout would never know.
#team fortress two#tf2#tf2 fanfiction#tf2 scout#tf2 heavy#tf2 medic#tf2 spy#Found family#but also a lot of despair sorry#my writing
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tell me about sausage in the superhero au. he basically has phoenix powers if i read the google doc right, and that’s awesome
he does have pheonix theming! so sausage is possibly the most traumatized person in this au, and thats because i took inspiration from his empires s1. you know, the whole xornoth thing.
so! xornoth, most recent member of the villain squad, has some Pretty Awful powers. he can mark someone with a touch, and anyone he's marked, he can influence them through dreams. send nightmares with subtle brainwashing weaved in, and slowly, over months of dreaming, twist their minds to his own views. he's been using that to spread the word of how amazing powers are. how beautiful mutations can be. how the world would be better if everyone had them. they're a gift.
sausage was one of xornoths targets. the dreams showed him the light, and now he knows how much help these powers would be. to anyone. and unlike most people, he wanted to join them. he would seek out the villains, request powers of his own, and vow to join and help them make a better world. so he did.
finally getting his powers felt like a rebirth. fiery eyes, talons, and huge, majestic wings of fiery red and orange feathers. he can even fly. not with powers, but from the sheer size and strength of his new wings. and the powers themselves? flames that heal and protect instead of burn. he loves it. he feels more himself than ever before. this really is a gift, and now he can help the world and everyone in it by giving them amazing powers too!
and when his best friend fwhip happens to get injured, that's a great opportunity to come over for a visit, serum in hand. he heals him, of course, and then tries to explain how he felt after getting powers. how much better and stronger he is now. wouldn't it be nice if everyone had some? wouldn't fwhip want them too?
fwhip didn't want them. but he didn't have time to protest before the needle went in. cue a bunch of yelling, a horrified and betrayed fwhip, and a worried sausage who keeps reassuring him that it'll be so much better once it's over. hes going to love the powers, he promises. it's gonna be okay.
fwhip is not okay. he calls up his sister gem, who is an official hero, and ends up at the hermitcraft agency to recover and try to get used to his new form and powers. he never does end up liking it.
a while later, after discussion with the heroes, its found that sausage- who didn't just stop at fwhip, and is out there dosing more civilians- is almost definitely under xornoths influence. a team is sent out to capture him and, later, try to break him out of the brainwashing.
the mark is removed. the powers-based mind control part is gone. the effects remain. human brains really do not like admitting they were wrong, and it takes time and effort to change the patterns of thinking xornoth has encoded in sausages mind. but it is possible to change them, now that hes away from the influence itself.
now sausage gets to face how badly he fucked up, how much his mind has been messed with, and that fwhip is Not Happy. he hurt his friend. he may have been trying to help, but he did not help. he can't even trust his own mind. did he ever want powers in the first place? or was that all fake too? he doesn't know. he doesn't know whats real or how much of this was him. how deep did it go? how much of him has been him since that first night of nightmares? is he ever going to truly be himself again?
it still feels like powers are right. like he should be giving them to anyone and everyone. part of his mind keeps telling him that everyone will be so much happier. but fwhip is clearly not. fwhip doesn't feel comfortable in his own body anymore. the powers...... he hurt someone. his best friend. permanently and irreversibly. and his mind is fighting itself.
the mutations he loved no longer feel nearly as good anymore, and he ends up clawing at his legs, his wings, covering the floor in feathers.
everything is wrong. he can't bring himself to use his powers on those injuries. he- he doesn't know if he actually wants them gone, some part of him still loves the majestic pheonix features, they feel so right but that's so wrong- maybe its some kind of fucked up penance. he doesn't know anymore. he just can't. those will heal naturally.
that's his rebirth from the ashes.
its not easy, and its painful, but so is life. so is growth.
he apologizes to fwhip. he goes to therapy. hes so, so sorry. for everything. and maybe someday he'll be able to be who he was before.
they both hope they can be friends again.
#mcytblr#superhero au#mythical sausage#fwhip#these two problem havers are the most recent addition to the au and hoo boy. i went feral.#the boys are Traumatized big time#and of course the worst angst in the whole au had to be about the guy named mythical fucking sausage
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Maybe The Real Treasure Was You.
content warning : satoru gojo x fem! reader , written in epistolary and implicit form , basically getting out from an abusive person to a breath of fresh air (satoru)
Satoru, will you forgive my soul, for it is already tainted by dirt and unimaginable things? Let me explain it to you. There was a point in my life where I was a pawn, a robot, a puppet with strings; my whole life I had been that day, ordered and knew no destination, prize, and something to die for but his order.
When I passed through the point of no return, I met you there. Strange. And long story short, we had the same destination. But you, you didn’t choose that destination because someone ordered you to, but because you wanted to. For once, I wanted to know what freedom would taste like. And all I knew was that one of my strings broke off.
Along the journey, my master passed away. I no longer had a purpose of living, a destination to obtain, and a place to call home. Then there was you, telling me, “You’ll be alright. As you know”—your finger tapped my left chest, my heart— “you should always make a home in your own self. We are always on our own.”
I almost lost it, but amidst the chaos and everything that was collapsing, you were there. You kept it together. I was, until this day, wondering how could someone so strong, yet so gentle and soft to keep me from falling apart?
But you, you were not like my master. Your hands kept me together, yet never held me down. You gave me advice from your rationality and what you saw fit, but you never forgot to inquire about how I thought and felt about it. You said it was a discussion. For two people. For middle ground. For the comfort we share. For the sake of us both.
But what were we back then? Teammates? Friends? Partners? I didn’t know either. But, thanks to you, I knew what freedom was; how it felt to be seen, heard, and appreciated felt like; how easy it was to roll your opinion off your tongue without being strangled after. You had given me the taste of fresh air, clear water, and freedom. And all I knew, I wanted to latch onto you for the longest time.
But, Satoru, there was lots of damage my master had done. Irreversible. My hands had touched, hurt, and done unspeakable things in the name of his, for the sake of him. Yet, you never once hesitated to hold them. I was ashamed; you were the kindest being to ever touch me to the deepest core of my existence: my heart and soul.
Satoru, the dragons were nothing to me when you stood by me; I stood tall. I was so ashamed for who I was; therefore I wanted to change who I was to be the one who’s deserving to call you home. I was more ashamed when you gave me wings. You helped me to fly. You gave me your strength whenever I lost mine. You strengthen every weakened part that I had. Polished any dull edges of me, making them the shiniest of me. You told me, “It’s a good thing that I met you. I really really enjoy your companion. I hope you want to keep me company after we reach our destination”—you held your chin, a smirk painted across your face—”and maybe let’s have lots of adventures on our own?”
I am forever grateful, Satoru. My answer was, is, and will remain ‘yes’. I am nothing without you, but with you, what I am is a different thing. You are such a wonderful magician, making all my scars as if they were never there. Back then, I didn’t care anymore whether we were going to reach the destination or not. Because you’ve become my destination. A starting, an ending, and everything in between. You have become someone whom my heart, now, always calls and longs for.
any feedback is welcome here
#gojo satoru x reader#gojo fluff#gojo satoru#gojo satoru x female reader#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen fanfic#gojo x reader#satoru gojo x reader
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Hey y'all! Loved the new episode, and wanted to chip in on one of the later points - videogames, especially in relation to the "Grey" Jedi concept. Knights of the Old Republic II really did some irreversible damage in that regard, as much as I love the game (though I prefer the first one). Kreia is one of the most central characters in regard to shifting morality debates in Star Wars (in universe and from fans alike) imo, and I'd honestly be super interested in hearing you three cover either or both of the games in the podcast, although I understand that's highly unlikely since none of you have played them. But she is extremely relevant to this topic because she preaches about neutrality and that there's more than just ~dogmatic thinkings of light and dark~, and your relationship with her suffers if you are kind and altruistic and get too rooted in the light side and she's like...one of *the* characters that kind of gets credited with developing a "grey" philosophy in-universe? But people always bring her up as if she's this great point of sensible consideration and not actually, as it turns out, a master manipulator trying to purge the Force from the galaxy (or something like that at least? It's been a while since my last playthrough lol) that lies to you all the time to get you to do what she wants (because she was so crazy bananas both the Jedi and the Sith said "no thank u :)" - well, with a bit more nuance but you get the gist). Really, it's a bit like people falling for Palpatine's anti-Jedi points all over how they talk about her philosophic arguments without bringing that up. But yeah, I thought you might be interested in that. Also, I think KotOR might be what people meant with being able to unlock Dark Side powers as a Light sider but you are absolutely correct that it's a mechanics vs story issue (especially since some powers are indeed alignment-locked AND making dark side choices does impact the character (apart from story, ending and relationships to your party members). It's a bit of a simplistic gimmick, of course, but the further you get into the Dark Side on the alignment, the more it's visible - sickly skin colour, cracks in the skin and flesh, your eyes change...stuff like that. I don't think using Dark Side powers actually pushes you further down the alignment, but the intent is obviously not for Light Siders to mix and match however they like).
Anyway, I'm so sorry for rambling on for so long, but I thought you (or someone, at least :D ) might appreciate that additional info. Keep up the good podcasting! :)
OUR FIRST ASK! I'm so glad you're enjoying the podcast, thank-you so much for listening to us ramble on for an hour once a month!
This is all really interesting! I've read a few metas about the Star Wars video games and the characters within them which is partly why I chose to briefly include them in the episode (and also because I am familiar with Jedi: Survivor which has its own "dark side" mechanic for the main character that was relevant to the discussion). Aside from Jedi: Survivor, I wasn't necessarily referencing any one specific video game, I assume it's probably a thing that's come up more than once.
As far as my reaction to Kreia goes, just based on your description of her, the idea of there being "too much light" just isn't how Lucas's own worldbuilding worked. It's clearly trying to hit on the idea of "balance" being equal amounts of light and dark usage, as opposed to balance being acknowledging darkness EXISTS (in yourself and in the universe) in order to keep yourself from acting on it. There just isn't a way to be "too light" or something like that, there's never "too much" kindness and compassion and selflessness in the world. In this sense, the video games are just going to fall into the same category as the rest of legends and EU stuff, in that they often just do their own thing based on their own interpretations of Star Wars, but it doesn't mean it actually fits with what Lucas himself was trying to get across about the philosophy of the Force and the Jedi in his own stories, and that's primarily what we're using as a base to discuss Star Wars from.
If any of us ends up playing KOTOR, we can certainly try to bring it up more often. I don't think we have any plans of doing more video game stuff currently, but if the KOTOR remake ever comes to pass, maybe I will!
-Mod Sugar
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We had an incident at work today. So much drama. It's been the longest day. People died.
It's funny though. I see myself as a difficult person. A hard person. Abrasive. Difficult to get to know. Difficult to keep. My standards drive everyone away. Well, except the men I'm dating who refuse to meet those standards. Those men I keep around because apparently collecting red flags is a hobby of mine...
But when shit goes down, I know I'm a good person to have. I'm loyal. I'm good in a crisis. I care about what's right. I will wage war against those who have done wrong. I never learned how to sit by when I see things occurring that I think aren't just.
So I don't get why, when someone working their second day as a psychiatry registrar was irreversibly traumatised, when I told them to go home and I'd cover them and their patient load, people said kind things about me.
Helping others in crisis should be the bare minimum. The very bare fucking minimum that we can do for each other. And yet when I called him to ask if anyone had offered to take the on-call shift he would have to do once his normal day ended, he sounded surprised. Like why would anyone?
When I said to him "it's not okay this is happening to you" he got emotional. Because management hadn't checked in. His consultant hadn't checked in. He thought, on day two, that he was already failing because something that no human should ever have to experience had left him vulnerable. And surely if this went beyond the normal experience in the role someone would check in. Right? RIGHT?!
So I got angry, in that arrogant way that I do, and told him that me working his shift this evening wasn't up for discussion and that if management had a problem with that he was to tell them to call me directly.
I burn bridges. I know that. I know better. But I do it. Because the hospital system is brutal and broken. Because it's not okay to let other humans suffer like that.
The thing though, is that when other registrars messaged me about it, presumably because he'd told them, I didn't reply. I don't want compliments on how "kind" or "sweet" I am. What I want is for all of us to do better. To be better. To demand better. Why did I have to be the one saying he was in no state to work tonight? Where was management when I was having that discussion with him? Some of the members of management are doctors. Fucking career psychiatrists. Where were they when he was being interviewed by the police or talking to patient families on day two in psychiatry and without a senior in the room?
I'm so angry. I'm angry at the system that is broken. I'm angry at the consultant who refused to support his registrar. I'm angry at the management team that refused to do anything that might equate to work. And I'm angry that any human should have to experience what that registrar did without a support network to catch them.
Adding 5.5 hours to my day so that he isn't traumatised for life isn't an act of kindness. It's the bare minimum. And it should be the expectation. This is fucking psychiatry for god's sake. If we refuse to protect each other from severe emotional trauma then what the fuck are we doing here and how can we expect other disciplines to do better???
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[ Oddly, the same phrase came up over and over, although I don’t think many of these friends had spoken to one another about it: Something irreversible. As in, I’m afraid these kids are going to do something irreversible. But just what this thing was, and what irreversibility looked like outside of the usual irreversibility of time and momentum, I couldn’t have told you, because they were never quite able to explain it to me. “Something irreversible” is to polite people what “self-mutilation” is to impolite people: a quick way to reorient the conversation around their own discomfort with bodies. In both cases it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to have a productive discussion with someone struggling with a reflexive, implicit horror of flesh. Any mention of someone else’s transitioning body sends them into direct and panicked conflict with the prospect of their own transitioning body; since this is a prospect they find unbearable, it becomes immediately necessary for them to unload their own desire and disgust onto the nearest suitable target.
For whatever reason, whenever these people—who I believe truly cared for me, who actively willed the good in my life, who wanted to support trans people as much as possible—heard that I was transitioning, their very first, pre-verbal response was to imagine: Well, what if someone had forced me to transition? And whatever their internal response to that question was, usually some combination of horror and relief, would set the tone for the rest of our conversation. In a strange way, I found that rather relatable, since I used to spend a lot of time hoping someone would force me to transition, too, so that I could become a man without having to explain myself or answer any difficult questions. But it quickly snowballed into a rising sense of panic (Wait a minute. If someone had forced me to transition just because I liked playing with boys’ toys when I was nine, I wouldn’t have the life I have today. And I like the life I have today! Why are you trying to take my life away from me?). I’d have to do my best to calmly reason away: “You can keep your life! You’re not like me. Someone would have told you if you were like me! You’d definitely know by now if you were like me. Even though I didn’t know I was like me until quite recently, and it came as quite a surprise. Oh, no—maybe you are like me. Maybe you would never have known that you were like me as long as I’d never told you, but now that I’ve told you you’ve started thinking about it, and once you’ve started thinking about it you can’t stop, and now you are going to have to transition—my God, it is contagious! Get everyone else out of this coffee shop, for the love of Christ, if you want to maintain persistent gender continuity—it’s onsetting rapidly, this gender dysphoria, and I don’t know who it’s going to claim next!” ]
Daniel M. Lavery, “Unwanted Coming-Out Disorder,” from Something That May Shock and Discredit You (2020)
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May I request the assassins reacting to their so NOT wanting a baby?But they want fur babies
☾ ⋆ﾟ MASTERLIST / RULES / TAGLIST FORM
a l t a ï r :
I feel like young Altaïr would agree with you
But later on in life he'd wonder what it would be like to have children with you and perhaps he'd want to sit down and discuss it with you
But in the end, with the way the world is and the things he learns from the apple, he thinks it's for the best that the two of you neither had children
e z i o :
I think that young Ezio would want children
But as he grows older his mind would change
Assuming that, unlike Sofia, you're closer to Ezio's age, the two of you would both think that, aside from your want to just not have children, your age is a good reason to not have them either: the brotherhood is your shared priority
e d w a r d :
Pre-game Edward likely wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want children - legacy is important for him, so is building something better for his children
So, let's say you meet him during the game's events, once he's had Jenny and Caroline has passed away - if you wish to take on a step-mother role to Jenny, he'll welcome that but if not then he'll respect that too
After Jenny's birth and Caroline's death, Edward won't be bothered whether or not his next partner wants children.
c o n n o r :
I think Connor would likely be the most upset over this out of them all
We know from the comics that he had a daughter and I think he'd see parenthood as a chance to be the father that he wished he had
But at the same time, with the life that he'd led I think that having a partner who doesn't want children would sway him to think that perhaps it's not the sort of world he wants to bring up a child in and he would never force you into something so irreversible
a r n o :
Now, I feel like Arno is the sort who everyone would picture as a perfect father
But I think that the idea of having a child terrifies him
He's lost everyone he's every loved (with the exception of you, of course), he lives during a revolution and he had a very traumatic childhood
He'd be in complete agreement with you
j a c o b :
I can see Jacob being a lot like Connor: he wants the chance to be the father that he wished he had and we can see in the games that he's good with children
But this is also Victorian London and therefore a terrible time and place to be a child unless you're an aristocrat
It's something he would mourn, certainly, but I think a good part of him would feel selfish for wanting to have a child in such conditions
#altaïr ibn la'ahad x reader#ezio auditore x reader#edward kenway x reader#arno dorian x reader#jacob frye x reader#assassins creed x reader#Kia's 1k requests event
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for the spirk song drabbles: hounds of love by kate bush! 💜
so, uh, i’m apparently really really bad at drabbles? i swear i tried to make this short and that just…didn’t happen.
this is more like a mini-fic. aos-verse, no content warnings, just a lot of feels and pining. this song screams pining spirk! thank you for sending it 💙
mini-fic that’s supposed to be a drabble under the cut:
James T. Kirk is not a man to be trapped or held.
The Enterprise’s captain is, admittedly, kidnapped and taken hostage more times than the average Starfleet captain, but to remain a captive? Never.
There are many things Spock has learned about Kirk in the two years they’ve served together on the Enterprise - that he prefers his coffee black and his whiskey neat, that he remembers the name of every member of his crew and (conveniently) forgets regulations, that he celebrates successes and mourns the loss of life. But it is this aspect of Kirk’s personality that intrigues Spock the most:
James T. Kirk refuses to be caught.
The origins of that drive are not a mystery to Spock. The captain’s personnel file is both heavily redacted and does not account for large spans of time, but it is the captain himself who fills in the blank spaces. Spock comes to learn about the abuse and neglect over late nights spent on reports when a mission goes bad. He picks up the threads of trauma in unfinished sentences when they sit with a chessboard between them. He weaves together the narrative through Kirk’s insistence on always carrying rations, around the penchant for self-sacrifice, and in Kirk’s flinch when Winona Kirk comms her son.
This knowledge is, admittedly, becoming a problem for Spock.
Not a problem in the sense that it is his responsibility to see to the welfare and safety of a captain who values others more than himself. No, Spock embraces that responsibility and treasures the trust Kirk holds in him. He has found a new equilibrium at Kirk’s side, a renewed drive. A shared purpose.
The problem arises in Kirk’s hand circled around Spock’s wrist or the brush of their shoulders as they walk down the Enterprise’s corridors in deep discussion. The problem sparks at the edges of Spock’s psionic field, Kirk’s mind reaching for his. There is a a compatibility between them, one that has rooted itself at the center of Spock’s mind and refuses to be denied - their potential for a bond growing every day, tying them together in a way that would be irreversible. A permanent bond Kirk would not want.
Therefore, on this, Spock will never act. He knows all too well that James T. Kirk will belong to no one but himself.
“That went much better than I could’ve expected,” Kirk says. His hair is mussed from running his fingers through it, his dress uniform unclasped at the top, revealing a sliver of skin turned silver in the moonlight. Kirk presses his shoulder into Spock’s and smiles. “You saved my ass in there.”
“I was not aware the Zeppelian heir to the throne had threatened your gluteal muscles, Captain.”
Kirk’s laugh is automatic - loud and bright.
Spock suppresses a smile, yet allows satisfaction to ease the set of his shoulders. To coax that uninhibited sound from his captain is an honor greater than their success with the newest Federation members tonight.
It is not uncomfortable once Kirk’s laughter fades into the nighttime air and silence falls between them again. They’re seated on rocks next to the lake at the center of the capital city of Zeppel. The lingering blue in the sky reminds Spock of San Francisco, but with the scattering of stars in a foreign configuration, the Enterprise a distant pinprick of light above the horizon.
The treaty ceremony concluded hours ago - moving swiftly into a celebration - and they’re sheltered in a cove, music and laughter from the celebration a whisper carried on the breeze. A fluted crystalline glass dangles from Kirk’s fingertips, long empty and never refilled.
“Seriously, though?” Kirk says. His gaze drifts from the water to Spock. “Thank you. I had no idea how to handle it when they insisted only a marriage between me and the heir would finalize the treaty. I’m used to strange requests, and I’ve done some pretty off the wall things to finalize a treaty, but that one...” Kirk grimaces. “Not happening.”
There are no caveats to that statement - “... unless it’s with the right person” or “maybe later.” It is a definitive statement of fact - Kirk will never bind himself to another.
Kaiidth.
“Then it is fortunate my research on Zeppelian culture uncovered how vital loyalty is to their social structure, and that your oath to Starfleet superseded their request.”
“Their cultural adherence to loyalty is, as you would say, fascinating. It seems incredibly inflexible, though. Do you find it logical?”
“In a way,” Spock says. “Honor, respect, and honesty are at the core of their daily existence. While those traits may not lead to wholly logical actions, they provide a shared moral foundation. That is eminently logical.”
“They trust each other.”
“I believe they do.”
“Do you trust me, Spock?”
The question is unexpected; his answer requires no thought.
“Yes.”
“And I’d like to think that there’s honor, respect, and honesty between us.”
“There is, Captain.”
“Therefore, loyalty. You know, between us.”
Spock’s eyebrows furrow unbidden. While he and Kirk can frequently convey meaning and intentions through few words - occasionally, with merely a glance - there are other times when the leaps of Kirk’s mind are too great for Spock to bridge the divide. This is one of those times.
He is aware Kirk is working up to a point, but is unclear what it could be.
“I believe so, yes.”
“Okay.” Kirk sets his glass aside then turns in toward Spock. His blue eyes are nearly as darkened as the sky. “So tell me, what would you have done if Zeppelian society wasn’t built on loyalty? What if there had been no other choice but for me to either marry the heir or dive bomb the treaty?”
Spock restrains a frown. “As that is not what came to pass, I see no need for such conjecture.”
“Well, I do. I mean, you swore an oath too - to Starfleet, to our ship, and our crew. And, knowing my luck, it’s possible a scenario like this will come up again. So. What would you have done?”
He hears the question Kirk is actually asking - where would his loyalties have lied?
It should be an easy answer.
There are regulations and protocols. A formalized system by which the first officer maintains their duty to the mission, ship, and crew at all times. It is a formalized system that Kirk eschews on a regular basis, but never without a valid reason - this much Spock knows about his captain too. Therefore, if Spock had chosen to bypass regulation and take alternative action, Kirk likely would have approved. It is not solely he who trusts Kirk, Kirk’s trust in him runs just as deep.
Beyond regulation and the path he did choose, however, his first thought when the Zeppelian heir proposed to Kirk was to take his captain and run. It was not logical, not protocol. It was instinct. Raw, protective (possessive?) instinct.
If the Zeppelian culture was not built on loyalty and Kirk had been forced to choose between marriage and nullifying the treaty, Spock would have whisked him off the planet without a look back.
He holds Kirk gaze and considers his words carefully. “A treaty can be renegotiated. The captain, however… He cannot be replaced. A starship runs on loyalty to one man.”
“A starship, Spock? Or you?”
As Kirk’s first officer - effectively just as much a tool and a resource for his captain as the ship - he wants to argue they are one and the same. But they are not. Of course they are not.
Spock opens his mouth. Closes it.
He does not know how to answer.
Kirk holds the silence, holds Spock in a piercing gaze, then arches a rounded brow. “I’m going to give you a minute to think about that one.”
Kirk stands then and steps toward the lake. There is no possibility of Spock restraining his shock when Kirk unfastens his dress tunic and summarily drops it onto the beach. Even less of a chance when Kirk bends down to unzip his boots, kicks them off, then removes his socks. At Kirk’s hands on his waistband, working the clasp open, Spock can be nothing but sure what his captain intends to do next.
He inhales sharply and has just enough oxygen in his lungs to say, “Captain -”
“It’s Jim. I’m about to go skinny-dipping, so we’re definitely off-duty.”
“Jim,” Spock accedes. “Are you certain this is wise?”
The light of two Zeppelian moons shines down on the tilt of Kirk’s lips, highlights the gleam in Kirk’s eyes.
“Wise? Probably not. Necessary? Oh yeah.”
Kirk sheds his dress pants as well, then his regulation underwear, and Spock should look away. He really should.
It is not the first time he has seen Kirk naked. However, it is the first time outside of averted eyes during decontamination or a stolen glimpse crossing to the showers after sparring. It is the first time Kirk - Jim - has stood before him unabashedly, as if he is inviting Spock to look.
So Spock does, his heartbeat racing out of his control.
The “minute” Jim gave him to think on that question has long passed, and yet Spock remains silent.
It is you, he thinks.
He is driven by loyalty to one man - this man - and he would sacrifice himself without hesitation to ensure the universe did not lose Jim’s inherent light.
Jim brandishes a smile then takes to the water, immersing himself, his intrusion spreading ripples that fracture the stars mirrored on the surface. Spock inhales sharply and doesn’t follow.
He will not chase what does not want to be caught.
Jim reappears off the shore, slicking the water out of his hair. Silver moonlight hangs on his eyelashes as he looks up to the sky.
“You know, Spock… Loyalty, honor, respect, trust… I don’t doubt for a second that we have that in spades. But honesty? It would be a hell of a lot easier for us to be honest with each other if you could be honest with yourself.”
Spock tips his head. “I do not understand.”
“I’m right here,” Jim says. It sounds like a plea. “And I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to run from me.”
A spark flares at the center of his mind. Spock shivers, smothers the light.
“Jim,” he says, his voice laced with a hesitancy he did not know was there. “It is not I who is running.”
“You sure about that?”
No.
Quite suddenly, he is not.
What would he have done? Where do his loyalties lie? He has swept those answers to the side, taken a step away when their shoulders brushed, retreated from the warmth of a hand around his wrist, and shielded himself against that light at the center of his mind.
All of it because of fear.
He has left so he is not left behind, but why would he behave so with this man of all men?
The lake spreads out behind Jim like a cape of stars, a universe of pain that he carries on his back, and yet he’s always held Spock close.
Jim has earned loyalty, honor, respect, and trust.
He deserves honesty.
With Jim, there is nothing to fear.
Spock sheds his dress tunic, his boots and socks. He leaves all else in a pile next Jim’s discarded clothes and enters the water.
James T. Kirk is not a man to be trapped or held. He is a man to be treasured, protected. Loved.
Jim slips his arm around Spock’s waist and Spock stops running.
#spirk#spirk fanfiction#k/s#k/s fanfic#my fic#pick a song request#thank you!#this was a really fun break for my muse#isthisamew
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When I watch the thoughts as they arise,
The watcher vanishes.
I search for it but nowhere is it found.
Neither is the searcher seen -
There is just freedom from conceptual elaboration.
There's no agent, there's no object of its action.
I have come to the primordial state,
Which is like space, immaculate.
There is no going back, and where might I now go?
I have reached the place of the exhaustion of phenomena.
No more coming to Samsara can there be.
And where I am now, none can see.
Knowing this, I want for nothing else.
Whoever comes to this freedom
Has, like me, cut through delusion.
Now I have no further questions;
The ground and root of mind are gone.
There is no goal, no clinging;
There's no ascertaining; there's no " it is this ".
Openness, relaxedness, equality.
Now that I have realised it, I sing my song.
Stainless rays of light have this shone out
And revealing it, have now departed.
This Vajra Song, illustrates the kind of realisation that is devoid of center or limit.
When this level of realisation occurs, whatever arises subsides into the ground nature, like clouds melting away in the sky.
The primordial expanse of the minds nature and the primordial wisdom( the Spontaneously arisen state of openness and freedom) mingle together.
When this happens, there is no retreating from the nature of one's own mind, for there is nowhere left to go. The point of exhaustion of all phenomena is reached.
One has escaped the dangerous path of the mind that adventitiously clings to, or rejects, things through taking them to be truly existent.
It is at this point that the field of ultimate reality beyond coming and going is reached.
Where else then, can one go?
There is nowhere.
Yogis who reach such a state have left behind the land of delusion, and they will never again return to the city of samsara.
For they have reached the space-like ground.
~
Finding Rest In The Nature Of Mind.
Longchenpa.
Longchenpa's "Finding Rest in the Nature of Mind" offers profound insights into the nature of self-realization and spiritual awakening. In this essay, we will explore the key elements of Longchenpa's teachings and the profound implications they have for seekers on the path to enlightenment. The passage begins with the disappearance of the "watcher" and culminates in the attainment of the "space-like ground" beyond samsara, providing a roadmap to understanding the nature of mind and its ultimate freedom.
1. The Disappearance of the Watcher:
- Longchenpa begins by describing the process of observing thoughts as they arise. What is the significance of this observation?
- Explain how the act of watching leads to the vanishing of the watcher and the fruitless search for it.
- Discuss the concept of freedom from conceptual elaboration and the absence of agents or objects of action.
2. The Attainment of the Primordial State:
- Elaborate on Longchenpa's analogy of the primordial state being akin to space and immaculateness.
- Examine the idea that once this state is reached, there is no possibility of regression or returning to samsara.
- Discuss the exhaustion of phenomena and the profound implications of this realization.
3. Freedom from Delusion:
- Explore Longchenpa's assertion that reaching this state is synonymous with cutting through delusion.
- Describe the transformation from a state of questioning to a state of contentment and clarity.
- Analyze the implications of the disappearance of the ground and root of the mind, and the absence of goals, clinging, and ascertaining.
4. The Unity of Primordial Expanse and Wisdom:
- Explain how the primordial expanse of the mind's nature and primordial wisdom merge.
- Discuss the idea that this state is irreversible, and there is no need for retreat.
- Explore the concept of ultimate reality beyond the cycle of coming and going.
5. The Realization of the Space-like Ground:
- Investigate Longchenpa's assertion that once this realization is achieved, there is nowhere else to go.
- Elaborate on the significance of transcending the mind's dangerous tendencies to cling to or reject things as truly existent.
- Discuss the attainment of the space-like ground and its implications for spiritual liberation.
Conclusion:
Longchenpa's teachings in "Finding Rest in the Nature of Mind" offer profound insights into the nature of self-realization and the ultimate freedom of the mind. This journey from the disappearance of the watcher to the realization of the space-like ground represents a transformative spiritual path that leads individuals beyond the cycle of samsara. It is a timeless message of hope and liberation for all seekers on the spiritual journey, emphasizing the infinite potential of the human mind to transcend its limitations and find lasting rest in its true nature.
#Longchenpa#buddha#buddhism#buddhist#dharma#sangha#mahayana#zen#milarepa#tibetan buddhism#thich nhat hanh#Padmasambhava#Guru Rinpoche
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A Builder, a Researcher, and a Rooftop, Ch. 28: Indoctrination
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Qi’s only response was a noncommittal hum. He was never really one for talk of virtues and values and morals and sin. Subjectivity; making claims that couldn’t be proved with empirical methods. Not particularly suitable for a scientist.
Also on AO3
A/N: Heyyyy I'm not dead! I'm really sorry uploads for this fic have been so sporadic lately. I'm unfortunately wrangling about 30 million new creative impulses while also going through the happy flappy fun time of grad school, so….gaps are bound to happen. Luckily the next three chapters after this one are already done! And they're some of my favorites so far. Thanks for sticking with me. Enjoy!
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Name: Qi, Heng
Occupation: Researcher
Length of Residency: ~7 yrs
Habits of Note:
Hardly leaves Research Center.
If seen outside, either is alone or with the builder. Rarely anyone else.
Regular visits to saloon.
Runs errands on occasion at regular intervals during the week/month.
Spends significant time with the builder on Saturday nights on Research Center roof.
Personality Traits:
Stubborn
Uncooperative
Self-centered
Sequestered
Arrogant
Motivated by technological/scientific advancement, personal ambitions
Interest Level: LOW MEDIUM-LOW
Notes:
Director Qi, outside his reckless pursuit of the sciences and technological advancement, has a habit of attempting to grandstand his way into being respected by the community. He is far from incompetent, or else this town would have fallen to ruin already many times over. However, his attitude whenever he takes up a job in service of the town is haughty and dismissive, no matter the stakes, and he will always attempt to prioritize personal pet projects. Naturally, as a researcher, his ideals are antithetical to the cause, but his character in particular warrants him irreversible.
UPDATE: Director Qi has recently become enamored with the builder (Interest level: EXTREMELY HIGH). Their relationship appears to be quite strong. Should the builder be swayed to our side, he will be much more amicable to the cause if the builder is a mouthpiece. In the unlikely scenario of Qi becoming an ally, his position as a researcher can be used to directly affect the Alliance’s scientific circles, potentially convincing more like him to turn their backs on their fruitless, self-destructive endeavors. On the other hand, Qi might just also pull the builder further from our cause. Further observation required.
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“Everything alright?”
The builder felt a squeeze on their hand. They looked down from the patch of darkness between stars that their eyes were idling on, to Qi’s hand lying gently over theirs. They almost shook their head on instinct.
Instead, they sighed. “Lot on my mind,” they mumbled.
“Would you like to discuss it?”
“I kinda do, but…it’s a bit hard to explain.”
Qi squeezed their hand again. “Take your time.”
The builder hummed. Ever since they saw them at the interrogation, they couldn’t take their mind off of Miguel’s files on the townsfolk. They saw all the marks and the “EXTREMELY HIGH” interest label around their name and they chuckled a little bit. They were hot shit, for sure, and Miguel seemed to know that too. Sure, he was trying to manipulate them into a pawn for a power-hungry empire, but they couldn’t help but feel a little flattered.
Their brief moment of amusement faded as they looked over the other townsfolk’s profiles. Their friends. Their family, in a sense, as the community of humble little Sandrock. All considered as nothing but good and bad pawns. Even if most of them were rejects, the thought of anyone becoming a manipulating mouthpiece for “the cause” turned their stomach.
And their stomach dropped to the floor once they flipped to Qi’s profile.
“We interrogated Pen and Miguel the other day…” they began. “…One of the things that G—we managed to seize from their places was a massive list of profiles on everyone in town. It was…kinda creepy. Had so much info on where we all went and when, who we talked to, who we liked, who we hated… Everything.”
“So…a roster of people’s habits and activities? That…doesn’t sound too nefarious. I can naturally construct in my mind one if I have enough data on a particular person. I do it all the time.”
The builder’s train of thought froze in its tracks. “Uh—wh…that…um.”
Qi raised an eyebrow. “Is…something strange about that?”
“Er…it’s a bit…invasive…”
“Really? One’s presence in a public space is inherently not private information, is it?”
“…Your lab is a public space, technically. You want everyone knowing what you’re doing in there all the time? Like, all the time?”
Qi blinked. “Hm. Fair. I’ll keep that in mind, then.”
The builder let out a light huff. “Uh-huh. But…those papers. They basically were keeping tabs on who Miguel thought would make good lackies. I’m super ultra mega special, apparently. Lots of high marks next to my name,” they drawled.
“It makes sense,” Qi hummed. “You have a wide outreach with the entire community, your skill is unparalleled, and your reputation is sound. Only natural that you would be wanted as an agent of persuasion.”
“Maybe. Kinda felt flattered for a second.”
“Is your concern that you would fall prey to the former pastor’s influence?” Qi said, voice softening just enough that they could notice, but not enough for an untrained ear to pick it up. “If it is, then I don’t believe you have any reason to worry. You are more than intelligent and aware enough to be resistant to that kind of persuasion.”
The builder hummed. “I mean, at this point I don’t think I’d be able to fall for it, but… I was more worried about you.”
Qi frowned. “Me?”
The builder nodded, eyes turning to stare out into the darkness again. “I saw your profile in that list. Miguel, uh…didn’t have a lot of nice things to say about you.”
“As to be expected,” Qi shrugged.
“Yeah, that wasn’t the surprising part. The part that got to me was when he started making notes about us.”
Qi still didn’t look terribly surprised. “Ah, and how he could exploit our relationship somehow?”
“Mm-hmm. He figured that if he could turn me into a Duvos pawn, I could convince you somehow to uh…’see the Light’ or something. And then you could go on to infect your colleagues too.” They sighed. “That just… The thought of me doing that to you…”
Qi frowned again, more indignantly, as he raised a hand up to adjust his glasses. “Hm. Rest assured, I would never fall for some pitiful Duvosian—” His hand froze, hovering less than an inch away from his glasses. His furrowed brow had relaxed, and he stared off into space with a blank, contemplative look. After a moment, he unfroze and pushed his glasses back up with a hum. “On second thought…”
The builder tilted their head slightly, waiting for him to continue.
“Under our current circumstances, no, I don’t believe I would be…persuaded. But hypothetically, in the worst case scenario where you were somehow converted…” His gaze hardened. “…Then the pastor’s notes would be correct. It would make it significantly easier for me to be converted as well. Especially if done insidiously.”
The builder grimaced. “My thoughts exactly.”
“The alternative is no better either. If I was made aware of my reprogramming before it was completed, and I resisted…”
“You’d…probably have to get away from me. And fast.”
“N…no, I…” Qi’s hands clenched. “N-not before attempting to deprogram you first. The mind is malleable. If you can be persuaded one way, you can be persuaded the other way as well.”
“It wouldn’t be easy.”
“…No. It wouldn’t. And…in the absolute worst case scenario…where I would have to abandon you…”
The builder felt their heart sink at how grim he sounded.
“…It would only open up new emotional vulnerabilities to exploit. So either way, my chances of falling into enemy hands are more or less the same. The only difference being whether I stay with you or not.”
The two were silent as the weight of Qi’s words sank into their skin.
“…Was that what Miguel was talking about all the way back then?” the builder said finally, feeling indignant anger simmering in their stomach. “About how we could drag each other down because we’re so close? Was he taunting us?”
“Or challenging us,” Qi muttered.
The builder let out a sharp sigh. “And he thinks he’s some sort of paragon of virtue…”
Qi’s only response was a noncommittal hum. He was never really one for talk of virtues and values and morals and sin. Subjectivity; making claims that couldn’t be proved with empirical methods. Not particularly suitable for a scientist. His opinion of Miguel and the rest of the Church was fairly set in stone, but it seemed like he still wanted to leave them some room for doubt. Interesting.
The two of them sat in silence once again.
“What do you think we’ll find with that telegraph station?” the builder piped up suddenly.
“With the signal triangulators? Who knows. Hopefully it’s just an offshoot of Duvos operatives that can be easily dispatched. At worst…” He trailed off. The builder didn’t really want to imagine the possibilities.
“I’ll just be glad once this all blows over,” the builder said, bringing a hand to their head. “I never expected any of this garbage when I came here.”
“Builder, research assistant, private investigator, warrior… Sandrock is certainly lacking personnel, but the sheer amount of tasks you’ve been put up to is impressive.”
“And exhausting.”
“Hm. Certainly. Even so, you’ve performed all your roles and duties with no small amount of skill. You should be proud.”
“I’ll feel prouder when I can take a break for once,” the builder said with a tired, sardonic smile.
“Well, if you are ever in need of some solace, the Research Center is always open to you,” Qi murmured gently.
“You’re not just gonna put me to work, right?” the builder grinned playfully. “Don’t think I’ve got time to be your assistant right now, as much as I’d like to.”
“Er…well. As much as I enjoy having your assistance, you don’t have to come here just for that. Not too many people enter the Research Center on any given day. If you need someplace quiet, it’s perhaps the best and safest location.”
The builder hummed. “That…sounds nice, actually.” They never fully realized how good some simple peace and quiet sounded at a time like this.
Qi nodded. “We don’t need to talk to each other. Most likely I’ll be too preoccupied anyways. But you’re free to browse my library and make yourself some tea. I’d…enjoy having you around, even if we don’t interact. I’ve got a hypothesis that my productivity increases whenever you’re in my presence, and I’d like to formally test it.”
The builder laughed. “So you are putting me to work.”
A flash of shock ran across Qi’s face. “Um. I-in a sense, I suppose…” he stammered. “B-but you don’t really have to do anything! All this experiment needs is your presence and your recuperation. Nothing strenuous, I promise.”
“I’m joking, silly,” the builder chuckled. “But…yeah, I like the sound of that. I’ll be sure to stop by sometime.”
Qi smiled. “I’m…looking forward to it.”
------------
The very next day, the builder took up Qi’s offer.
Qi was in the middle of drawing up a diagram for Mi-an when the door opened. In walked the builder, smiling and giving him a silent wave. He felt his mood lighten as he saw them, smiling and nodding at them in return.
Neither of them said a word as the builder moved past him and up the stairs to his apartment. He heard some shuffling footsteps and the whistle of the kettle. A moment later, the builder walked back down, the scent of fresh tea trailing them. They appeared and set a cup down on his desk. He took it with a grateful nod before they left him to his work again.
He heard the scraping of the spare chair behind him, followed by the rustling of paper. And then it was silent.
Qi’s focus centered again on the unfinished diagram. His hand…the movements felt easier, somehow. The shapes of the machine were forming faster in his mind.
A light smile raised his lips as the warm and steady presence of the builder seemed to hum on the outskirts of his attention.
Hypothesis confirmed.
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A/N: I don't hate Miguel, for the record. It's just that given his position, I don't think he'd really enjoy the idea of his best possible recruit fraternizing with, let alone dating his complete opposite in ideals. I think he's a super interesting character, and while his ideals make me uncomfortable, that's kinda the whole deal with his character. I hope they flesh him out post-Duvos some more.
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Hey Houngan Alex, I left my Sosyete years ago (respectfully, and only after many attempts to work out our ethical differences as a House) and there's something I've always wondered about. Is there any kind of ceremony that needs to take place to let someone leave a Sosyete, and does that ceremony involve the po tét?
Months after I stopped coming around, I was told I needed to bring my po tét to my Mambo for a ceremony so her Lwa could formally release me. It was emphasized that she would give it back to me, and this was not punitive or a big scary deal, just a traditional formality that would let me continue as a Mambo without issue. "The right, traditional way to do things".
I was suspicious, so I reached out to a brother I trusted who'd been in the Sosyete for decades. He told me it was true, and echoed that this was totally safe, NBD, just a formality.
This was years ago and I never did it, of course. I'm sorry but absolutely nobody is touching my po tét. I was not surprised that my Mambo would suggest something like this, but I lost a tremendous amount of respect for the brother who encouraged me to do it.
I'm wondering if there's some kind of totally legit, sensible precedent to this within the tradition that isn't centered around cutting a person off from their Lwa, or removing their stability. This doesn't keep me up at night, but I trust your knowledge and it's something I've always been curious about.
Thank you for all you do for the community.
Hi,
I have not heard of this specifically and it's possible that it is something specific to that sosyete but there are some things that concern me. In my experience, this would not be common or accepted.
There is a part I find pretty troubling, about having her lwa release you. That's just something that doesn't exist, because you have your own lwa. You are not living under and serving her lwa, you are living under and serving her lwa, and she has no control over that and no right to meddle with it.
Further, when you undergo ceremony that produces a po tèt, that work is irreversible. It can't be taken away or cut off simply because you choose to no longer be a part of a sosyete. If that were so, people would be stripped of titles and initiations and that's not possible. It doesn't matter if it was a lave tèt or a kanzo, it can't be undone or removed from you. It is irreversible. There are ways it can be modified or overwritten, like if you had a lave tèt and then did a kanzo in a different sosyete or were made a hounsi kanzo or sou pwen in one sosyete and took the asson in another sosyete...but what was done can never be undone, and that is why it is so important that people discern before committing (not saying you didn't, speaking generally only).
I would also feel pretty resistant to someone I was breaking off a relationship with touching my po tèt. It is literally the seat of my soul and being, and I would question why and how someone would need to touch it as part of parting, because there is literally no work necessary. Po tèts are very rarely worked on for any reason post ceremony and really only addressed in the case of imminent death or grave illness; that is when a spiritual parent or someone they designated would do work on it.
There is no process to leave a sosyete, really. Like, if you (in general) are leaving on good terms it's good to have a discussion because issues can be addressed even if they are irresolvable but it's not necessary. I know a lot of folks who have left sosyetes; some leave after conversations, some leave after a massive falling out that is visibly messy, and some just fade away.
Part of the reason there is no process is that once the work is done, it's done. There is no control factor in a lave tèt or kanzo; your ceremony is not dependent on your relationship to a person and your relationships with your lwa are likewise not dependent on the person who did the ceremony. Is it ideal to stay in the same sosyete and learn from the same person? Yes, but ideals don't always work out. If I chose to leave my spiritual mother and sosyete I was initiated in, it would be painful but there would be nothing for her to do about my lwa and my title.
It's also something that is not that uncommon, particularly in Haiti and particularly for people who are not asogweman. It's not unusual for people to be made senp or sou pwen in one sosyete and take the asson somewhere else. I know folks who do senp or sou pwen in a family temple, but then find themselves led somewhere else. Sometimes folks might relocate geographically and it may make more sense to do their ceremonies somewhere else.
From what you describe, you already know there were issues where you were and your lack of surprise should inform you. It sounds like there is an aspect of control in this situation that just doesn't exist in reality and that sounds like an environment where growth may not be encouraged.
I hope you are feeling supported wherever you are now. Happy to speak privately with you if that would be helpful.
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