#it was ok before but it got worse during the pandemic and for like 2 yrs it took me HOURS to fall asleep EVERY NIGHT | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kjack89 · 4 years

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How Slow Life Seems

For @impetusofadream as a much belated fill for the @bishopmyrielfundraiser. The request was for a foreign exchange student AU, which somehow morphed into a study abroad AU, which somehow morphed into, well, this.

E/R, modern AU, developing relationship. Title is from the poem also quoted in the fic (in both French and English), ‘Le pont Mirabeau’ by Guillaume Apollinaire.

“How’s the research paper going?”

Enjolras glanced up from his laptop to blink at his mom, who was leaning against his doorway, looking almost as tired as he felt. “Fine,” he said noncommittally, before sighing and amending, “Ok, actually it’s going terribly. JSTOR’s great and all, but not being able to access primary source documents directly…”

He trailed off and his mom nodded understandingly. “Well,” she said bracingly, “hopefully it’s just for the rest of this semester. Once COVID calms down, you’ll be back on campus and able to look at all the primary sources your heart desires.” She paused. “And, you know, you’ll get to see your friends again, plan more protests, get put on academic probation again…”

Enjolras laughed lightly. He couldn’t pretend that he’d always gotten along well with his parents, rebelling in a million ways throughout high school and moving all the way across the country for school. But with COVID shutting down campus, he had reluctantly returned to his parents’ house, and he was surprised to find it wasn’t as bad as he remembered.

Maybe absence really did make the heart fonder.

Or maybe it was because, on his second day back, his mom had casually dropped into conversation at the dinner table, “By the way, we’re taking in a foreign exchange student this summer. You’ll like him – he’s a non-traditional student from Poland who got a grant to come do research on populist uprisings.”

Enjolras’s mother worked with the Office of International Study at the local university, which meant as long as Enjolras could remember, there was always some random student or another who stayed with the family, normally when their own study or living arrangements got disrupted. But rarely had the student in question so perfectly matched just about every single one of Enjolras’s interests – even if he had to feign disinterest.

“Populist uprisings?” he had scoffed. “Here? Might as well come here to study Bigfoot.”

But as the days had gotten closer to the student’s – to Feuilly’s – arrival, Enjolras grew more eager. So it was with a genuine smile that he asked his mom, “Is Feuilly getting here soon?”

His mom’s smile faltered, just slightly. “That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about,” she said, and Enjolras’s smile faded.

“He’s not coming, is he?” he asked dully, already able to see where this conversation was going.

His mom shook her head. “No, he’s not – his university canceled all study abroad because of COVID.”

“Oh,” Enjolras said. “Of course.”

“But there is some good news!” his mom continued, in that forced way she had when she was trying to get him to agree to something she knew he wasn’t going to want to do. “There are a number of foreign exchange students stuck here who can’t go home, so you will at least have some company, for a few weeks, anyway, until we’re able to safely get them home.”

Enjolras perked up, just slightly. “So who’s coming to stay with us?” he asked, trying not to sound so excited at the prospect of any company that wasn’t his capitalism-loving parents.

“His name’s Grantaire,” his mom, sounding relieved that he seemed open to it. “You’ll like him,” she added quickly. “He’s Canadian! You can practice your French!”

Enjolras considered it for a moment. “Well,” he said hesitantly, “I suppose it could be worse.”

---------

“Oh, sorry,” Grantaire said, somewhere in between bored and awkward. “I don’t really speak French.”

It was the second thing Grantaire said to him, right after “Hi” and right before, “Oh, I don’t really care about politics.”

Needless to say, Enjolras did not like him.

Grantaire was an art student, and slept until 2 in the afternoon most days, and sat out on the back porch smoking cigarettes while scrolling idly through his phone, and openly laughed whenever Enjolras tried to engage him in any kind of political conversation, and seemed to have absolutely no interest in going anywhere or doing anything.

It was hard to say which Enjolras liked least.

Granted, in the era of COVID there wasn’t exactly a whole lot to go do or see, but even outside of the immediate, Grantaire seemed to have no ambition towards doing anything. When Enjolras asked, a little stiffly, why he had bothered to study abroad when he clearly didn’t care about expanding his horizons, Grantaire just shrugged, ducking his head to light the cigarette in his mouth. “Free trip, I guess,” he said, blowing smoke out of his nose and grinning at Enjolras lazily.

Enjolras was not amused.

His mom didn’t help matters, encouraging him at every given opportunity to spend more time with Grantaire. “He must be homesick,” she reasoned.

“I’m not entirely sure that Grantaire cares enough about anything to miss it,” Enjolras muttered, and she gave him a look.

“Imagine being stuck in a foreign country during a pandemic with no knowledge of when you’re going to be able to go home,” she said. “He needs our understanding, and I’d hazard that he also needs a friend.”

But every attempt Enjolras made towards conversation – he wouldn’t go so far as to say friendship – was met with mockery at worst or disinterest at best, so Enjolras gave up, figuring they were better off ignoring each other.

At least until one night, when Enjolras was up even later than usual, sprawled out on the couch with his laptop balanced on his lap and books spread around him. He jerked upright when the door banged open, though he settled back down again when he heard Grantaire swear to himself. “Oh,” Grantaire said, and Enjolras didn’t bother looking up at him. “What’re you doing up?”

“Studying,” Enjolras said, pointedly vague, but Grantaire didn’t seem to take the hint, leaning down to rest his elbows against the back of the couch as he peered down at Enjolras’s computer screen.

“Thought your semester was done.”

“It is,” Enjolras said with a scowl as he shifted his computer so that Grantaire couldn’t read it. “I’m not studying for school, I’m trying to draft a bill to create criminal penalties for racially-motivated false police calls.”

Grantaire snorted, straightening and heading into the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge. “Of course you are,” he said derisively.

On any other night, Enjolras might have ignored him, but that night, he couldn’t quite bring himself to, instead closing his laptop and sitting up to glare at Grantaire as he settled down at the kitchen table. “Something wrong with trying to bring a little bit of justice into the world?” he asked, his voice brittle.

Grantaire just shrugged. “Not at all, but if you think that’s what justice looks like, you’ve got another think coming.”

Enjolras scowled. “What are you even talking about?” he snapped.

“I’m talking about the irony of someone who I’m sure espouses the need to abolish the the police and the criminal justice suddenly being ok with using said criminal justice system to punish the local Karens.”

Enjolras stared at him. “I don’t know—”

“Yeah, I’m sure you don’t,” Grantaire scoffed, a small smirk lifting the corners of his mouth.

Enjolras ground his teeth together, irritation making his blood boil. “What, and you’re suddenly an expert in criminal justice?”

“Not even remotely,” Grantaire said breezily, draining his beer and standing. “But when I say Fuck 12, I don’t intend to turn around and say that they’re ok when they’re enforcing my agenda.”

Enjolras opened his mouth to retort before closing it again, the sinking feeling in his stomach telling him that, as much as he might want to deny it in the moment, Grantaire might have a point.

He hated him more than a little for that.

It took him a moment to push the feeling aside. “I didn’t realize you cared,” he said stiffly, and Grantaire paused on his way out of the kitchen.

“I don’t,” he said with a shrug. “And it’s not like Canada’s much better when it comes to police brutality against Black and brown folks, especially indigenous folks.” He paused, his expression unreadable in the dim light “But I just figured someone like you should probably think through all the sides of things.”

Enjolras eyed him warily. “I don’t know whether to be grateful or insulted.”

Grantaire scratched his neck and shrugged. “Honestly, it’s a crapshoot either way.”

Enjolras couldn’t help but laugh lightly at that as he opened his laptop again. “Well, you’ve at least given me something to think about.”

Grantaire made a mocking bow. “My legacy, monsieur,” he said, turning to go upstairs to his bedroom.

“My mom thinks you might be homesick.”

Enjolras didn’t know what possessed him to just blurt that out, and he couldn’t help but hold his breath slightly as Grantaire froze before turning back to him. “Does she,” he said noncommittally, more a statement than a question.

Enjolras jerked a shrug, staring down at his laptop as if he couldn’t care less if Grantaire was homesick. “Yeah.”

“She’s a nice woman, your mom,” Grantaire said, leaning against the doorway and crossing his arms in front of his chest. “I get why you probably don’t get along with her or your dad, since they’re, you know, the bourgeoisie that you with your upper middle class upbringing disdain so much, but she is nice.”

Enjolras nodded slowly. “Are you homesick, then?” he asked.

“Oh, no,” Grantaire said with a laugh, and Enjolras blinked up at him. “You haven’t leveled up far enough to access my tragic backstory or find out if I’m missing home.”

Enjolras scowled. “I wasn’t aware that asking you basic facts about your emotional state counts as unlocking a tragic backstory.”

Grantaire winked. “That’s because you don’t know anything about my emotional state.”

“Well, am I allowed to ask you about something else?”

“Sure,” Grantaire said easily, and Enjolras was taken aback for a moment. He hadn’t expected Grantaire to agree, so he fumbled for a question to actually ask.

“Where do you go?” he asked abruptly, and it was Grantaire’s turn to look taken aback.

“Where do I go?” he repeated.

“When you go out,” Enjolras said impatiently, waving a vague hand in the direction of the door. “When you disappear for hours on end – where do you go?”

Grantaire grinned. “That’s a good question,” he admitted, rapping lightly on the doorframe with his knuckles. “Good enough that you should ask me again sometime.”

Enjolras frowned. “Why?”

“Because one day I just might show you.”

He disappeared, leaving Enjolras staring after him.

----------

Something after that changed between them. It wasn’t like they were suddenly friends or anything like that, but Enjolras was beginning to sense that maybe they could be.

Underneath the cynicism, Grantaire actually seemed to share most of the same political beliefs as Enjolras – even if he chalked up said political beliefs to ‘wishful thinking’.

That used to piss Enjolras off, but somehow, it didn’t anymore. He told himself that it was because he now realized there was actual substance beneath the scorn and dismissal.

He also told himself that it had nothing to do with noticing the way that Grantaire’s eyes sparkled everytime he said it, as if it was somehow an inside joke between them.

Enjolras found that his usual late nights staying up, studying and working into the early hours, were now interrupted by Grantaire joining him, usually with a beer in hand. But it was becoming harder to see them as interruptions because somehow, Grantaire had a knack for finding ways to make Enjolras’s arguments better. Sharper. As if the teasing the torment was always intended to get him to this point.

Now that Grantaire wasn’t interrupting him, the only person that was when Enjolras’s mom would come downstairs to shush them for arguing too loudly. After one such time, a couple of weeks after that first night, Grantaire leaned back against the couch and remarked casually, “Your mom is nice.”

“You’ve said that before,” Enjolras said, highlighting something in the article he was reading before glancing up at Grantaire. “I’ll take it that your mom isn’t?”

He asked it casually, and for a moment, Grantaire looked like he might deny it. But then he just shrugged, staring moodily into the distance. “She was never cruel,” he said, something almost cold in his tone. “She and my dad didn’t beat me, or abuse me. They just—” He broke off, his expression darkening. “I dunno. Kids can tell, I think, when they were never really wanted.”

He said it plainly, matter-of-factly, and that somehow made it so much worse. Enjolras wasn’t sure whether to say something – or what to say, for that matter – but Grantaire saved him from having to. “My parents had me as an attempt to keep their marriage together. It didn’t work. And after that, I don’t think either of them was ever really that interested in being a parent.” He made a face. “Save for telling me how disappointing I was.”

“I’m sorry.”

Enjolras winced as he said it, but Grantaire just waved a dismissive hand. “Don’t be,” he scoffed. “It’s not a tragedy in the grand scheme of things. And all things, I’ve been lucky. I grew up with food on the table, a house over my head, excellent schooling– Well, until university, that is. They cut me off when I told them I was planning on getting an arts degree instead of something useful.”

He made another face and took a long pull from his beer before forcing a smile. “And there you have it, my tragic backstory. Congratulations on leveling up.”

Enjolras laughed, but only because it seemed expected of him. Grantaire relaxed slightly at that, though he froze when Enjolras added, in what he hoped was a casual way, “Neglect is still abuse, you know.”

“Maybe,” Grantaire acknowledged before smiling again, this time a genuine smile. “But honestly it may have been for the best. After all, regardless of whether it was a tragedy in the grand scheme of things, somehow or another, it still got me here.” He paused, his grin widening. “Where I can annoy you until all hours of the night.”

“Aren’t I lucky,” Enjolras said dryly, and Grantaire laughed, the moment between them ending almost as quickly as it had started.

But something about it lingered with Enjolras, and it took him a few days to realize what it was: he did feel a little bit lucky, all things considered. He was surprised to find that he liked Grantaire, liked spending time with him. Grantaire made him laugh, and rage, and on occasion, scowl and sulk when Grantaire knocked down one of his arguments.

Grantaire made him feel what previously had always been reserved for his causes.

And even though Enjolras knew Grantaire would have to leave eventually, when once he would’ve given anything to get rid of him, now he was surprised to find that he didn’t want him to go at all.

----------

“What are you doing tonight?” Grantaire asked abruptly, and Enjolras didn’t even look up from his computer.

“Same thing we do every night, Pinky,” he murmured. “Try to take over the world.”

“Hilarious,” Grantaire said dryly. “But I meant it.”

Enjolras sighed and looked up. “Well, I’ve got about a half dozen articles I need to read, not to mention there’s some really interesting case law coming out from Clay County, Illinois, regarding suing a governor over executive powers, and—”

“So nothing important, in other words,” Grantaire interrupted with a grin.

Enjolras’s eyes narrowed. “And what more important thing did you have in mind to do tonight?”

Grantaire’s grin widened. “Ask your question from before,” he said, and Enjolras stared at him for a long moment before remembering.

“Where do you go?” he asked, and Grantaire’s grin softened.

“Let me show you,” he said, holding his hand out to Enjolras. “With your permission, of course.”

Enjolras hesitated for only a moment before taking Grantaire’s hand and allowing Grantaire to pull him off the couch and out the door, face masks in hand.

The answer to Enjolras’s question, it seemed, was everywhere. Enjolras had grown up in this town, but he had never seen it like this, following Grantaire down alleys and through neighborhoods he didn’t even know existed. Their first stop was a little corner liquor store that Enjolras must’ve passed hundreds of times without every going in, and Enjolras even drank some of the wine Grantaire offered him, shifting their masks to drink straight from the brown paper bag-wrapped bottle as they made their way across town to some dingy dive bar.

But instead of going in, Grantaire led him over to a man selling tamales by the front door. “Best tamales in the city,” Grantaire assured Enjolras, who found that he didn’t doubt him.

From there, they crisscrossed the entire town, it seemed, pausing in a back alley to listen to a band playing some tiny venue Enjolras had never heard of, or swinging past the local movie theatre, which was projecting old films on the side of the building, turning their parking lot into a mini drive-in.

Enjolras didn’t say much, other than to comment a few times on mask compliance and social distancing, but he didn’t feel like the silence between them was uncomfortable, mainly because there wasn’t much silence. Even with a pandemic, there was still people on the sidewalk, talking loudly with each other, and cars crowding the streets, and even the sound of cicadas turning the quiet night into a cacophony.

They ended in a park, where Grantaire helped Enjolras over the temporary fence set up to block access to the playground, and they sat down on the swings, Enjolras facing one direction, Grantaire facing the other. “So this was…” Enjolras started, trailing off as he searched for the right word.

“Stupid?” Grantaire suggested, with a self-deprecating laugh.

Enjolras looked over at him sharply. “The opposite, actually,” he said. “I think I saw more of this city tonight than I have in my entire time living here.” He shrugged, glancing around them. “I’ve spent almost my entire life here, and I’ve never seen it like this.”

“You should try sometime,” Grantaire said, and there was something serious in his voice, so much so that Enjolras looked over at him, searching his expression. “Sometimes I think that you’re so focused on what needs fixing that you don’t stop and see the beauty in the brokenness.”

“Well, that’s your job,” Enjolras said, aiming for a joke but falling flat. “As an artist, I mean.”

“I knew what you meant,” Grantaire said quietly.

For a moment, they both sat in silence before Grantaire told Enjolras, “I’m leaving in two days.”

“What?” Enjolras asked blankly.

“Your mom told me today. I finally got cleared by my university to return to Canada.”

Enjolras’s entire chest felt like it was being squeezed. “That’s—” he started, his voice coming out a croak, and he swallowed, hard. “I mean, that’s what you’ve been waiting for, right?”

Grantaire jerked a shrug. “I guess.”

There were a million things that Enjolras wanted to say to him, but none of the words seemed to come. Instead, he asked, hesitantly, “Is that...is that why you decided to show me this? Because you’re leaving?”

“No.” Grantaire shook his head, something almost urgent in his tone. “I wanted to show you this because you needed to see it. You are so focused on changing what’s out there that you don’t take the time to stop and see what’s right here.”

“And you do?” Enjolras asked.

“Maybe.”

Enjolras was suddenly aware of how close they were, brushing against each other in the dark as they had twisted in their swings to face each other. “And what do you see?” he asked softly.

Instead of answering, Grantaire leaned in and kissed him.

----------

It was somewhat of an answer in its own way, and judging by the chaos of packing that followed the next day, it was the only answer that Enjolras was ever going to get. He wanted desperately to talk to Grantaire, to talk about what had happened in that park, or about the millions of other things he had just assumed they would have time to talk about, but time was the one thing they didn’t have.

Not during the day, anyway.

But in lieu of their usual late night bantering, Enjolras crept into Grantaire’s bedroom after his parents had gone to bed. “Enjolras?” Grantaire asked, sitting up. “What are you—”

Enjolras kissed him, a little desperately. “I wanted to do that,” he said, his voice breathy.

Grantaire’s hands dropped to rest against his waist. “Is that all you wanted?” he asked, his voice low.

“I also wanted to talk.”

Grantaire groaned softly. “Of course you do,” he said with a sigh, dropping his hands and flopping back down on the bed. “Let me guess, about what this means, or what this is between us?”

Despite himself, despite not wanting to ruin what little time they had left, Enjolras scowled. “Why do you say that like it’s a bad thing?”

“It’s not, it’s just—” Grantaire broke off with a sigh. “It’s predictable. Remember what I said about you being too busy trying to fix what’s out there to focus on what’s right here?”

Enjolras’s scowl deepened. “I don’t think this—”

“No, but I do.” Grantaire sat up again, his expression serious. “Look, if you can honestly tell me that talking about this will make the fact that I am leaving tomorrow easier or better, then I’m happy to spend this entire night talking.” He paused as if waiting for Enjolras to attempt exactly that. “But if you can’t, then don’t make me waste this night.”

Enjolras bit his lip. “Well, then what do you want to do?” he asked, hastening to add, “Besides, you know, that, because that’s not happening tonight.”

Grantaire half-smiled. “All I want is to hold you,” he said simply, holding his hand out to Enjolras. “Can we do that?”

The breath seemed to catch in Enjolras’s throat. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I’d – I’d like that.”

He let Grantaire pull him onto the bed, curling reflexively against him and tilting his head up so that Grantaire could kiss him, slow and sweet.

True to what Grantaire said, that’s all they did, lying there together, wrapped up in each other and in the millions of unspoken could-have and should-have-beens. Enjolras rested his head against Grantaire’s chest. “‘M falling asleep,” he murmured, and Grantaire smoothed the hair away from his forehead.

“Then sleep,” he said, his voice low in Enjolras’s ear. “I’ve got you, I promise.”

Enjolras believed him.

And as he drifted off into sleep, he could’ve sworn he heard Grantaire whispering into his ear, “L'amour s'en va comme cette eau courante, L'amour s'en va, Comme la vie est lente, Et comme l'Espérance est violente.”

----------

Enjolras only just made it back to his own bed the next morning before his parents woke up, not that it mattered in the chaos of getting Grantaire’s stuff packed into the car so they could drive to the airport. Enjolras and Grantaire sat in the back seat, neither seeming to want to break the silence, though once, when Enjolras’s parents weren’t looking, Grantaire grabbed Enjolras’s hand and raised it to his lips to kiss Enjolras’s knuckles.

Still, the reality set in after Grantaire checked his bags and rejoined Enjolras and his parents, who tactfully gave them some room to say their goodbyes. “I spent most of my summer counting down until you left,” Enjolras told him, and Grantaire laughed.

“You sure know how to make a girl feel special,” he teased, but Enjolras didn’t smile.

“But now that you’re actually going—”

“I know,” Grantaire said softly. “But I have to go. Besides, someone’s got to be ready with a place for you to stay for when you inevitably try to overthrow the government and need to flee the country.”

Enjolras half-smiled. “Depending on how November goes, that may be sooner rather than later.”

Grantaire shuddered. “Don’t even joke about that.”

“Sorry,” Enjolras said, before adding, a little desperately, “I’m going to miss you.”

Grantaire ducked his head. “Who knows,” he said, “maybe I’ll look into transferring schools.”

“Really?”

Grantaire shrugged. “Yeah, it’s not like I have much to look forward to back home.” He nudged Enjolras with his elbow. “But I do have a really compelling reason to come back here.”

Enjolras shook his head, his throat tight. “Don’t transfer just because of me.”

“Don’t you have a high opinion of yourself,” Grantaire said mockingly. “I was referring to the tamales.”

But Enjolras didn’t laugh. “I mean it.”

Grantaire raised an eyebrow. “You and I both know that you need me, too. So it’s only half for me.”

Enjolras did smile at that, a little reluctantly. “Maybe.”

Grantaire nodded, and glanced towards security, his expression darkening. “Well,” he said, clearing his throat. “I guess I should be going. And I’ll, uh, see when I see you, I guess.”

Enjolras nodded as well. “Yeah,” he said, his voice thick.

Grantaire hefted his bag onto his shoulder and turned to leave when Enjolras said, “Oh, and Grantaire?”

“Yeah?” Grantaire said, turning back.

“Always joy comes after pain.”

Grantaire blinked. “Beg pardon?”

“From the poem you recited to me last night.” A slow grin spread across Grantaire’s face, and Enjolras said, mock-accusatory, “You said you didn’t speak French.”

“I lied,” Grantaire said, and Enjolras shook his head.

“And what else did you lie about?” he asked, putting his hands on his hips.

Grantaire didn’t hesitate, closing the space between them to kiss Enjolras. “Well,” he said, “I said I wasn’t going to do that, for starters.”

“I think I can forgive that,” Enjolras whispered, kissing Grantaire again before asking, “Anything else?’

Grantaire grinned. “Let’s save that for the next time we see each other.”

Enjolras smiled as well. “I’m gonna hold you to that,” he warned.

Grantaire pulled him into a hug, one that Enjolras was only too happy to return. “I hope to God you do,” Grantaire whispered in his ear before kissing his cheek once more.

“I will,” Enjolras promised, and this time when Grantaire turned to head into security, Enjolras didn’t stop him.

He didn’t have to, because for once, Enjolras saw things exactly as they were right in front of him.

But he also knew he’d find a way to fix it, and for them to be together again.

One way or another.

#enjolras #grantaire #exr #enjolras x grantaire #enjoltaire #fanfiction #les miserables #modern au #developing relationship #study abroad au

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sero-sphere · 4 years

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Writing Prompt : Serial Killer Tomura Shigaraki PT 2

Prompt: a serial killer who finds their victims through dating apps has finally chosen their next target. they've been texting for a while and had planned what would've been a fatal first date, but then the country went on lockdown. the killer keeps in touch figuring they might as well keep around another potential victim except...they’re kinda starting to like this one.

(Serial killer Tomura x f reader)

Wordcount:2k

Warnings: murder, non-con everything? , mention of rape? choking, death, breath play, idk its bad he kills people. maybe a little hybristophilia if you look real close. (pls just remember none of this is real and proceed with caution....thnks)

PT1 (taglist: @centerhabit @lawlesshedgehog @bakugotrashpanda )

You were just about to go digging through your freezer for ice cream when you heard the buzzer to your apartment go off. To say you were nervous was an understatement. It was almost 11pm on a Friday, and you knew for sure it was not one of your friends. They had all returned to their home towns to ride out this pandemic. Against your better judgement, you pressed the buzzer to speak.

"Hello?"

"Why do you sound so scared...I thought I told you I was coming?" A gruff, yet familiar voice rang out from the speaker. How could he have gotten here so fast, and when did you tell him where you lived?

"But I never gave you my address..."

"Just open the door before I get in trouble." Tomuras voice held a hint of annoyance.

“O-ohkay.” You mumbled back and buzzed him in before your neighbors saw, and reported you for following unsafe quarantine procedures. You waited by the door for him, for what felt like ages. You finally heard footsteps outside and opened it up to find him looming over you. He spoke first.

"Hi"

"Hi..."You both stood there and stared at each other. Tomura couldn’t figure out what to do next, now that you were finally right in front of him? Does he play along with this little charade for a while longer...or does he cut right to the chase.

"You can come in you know, you don’t have to stand there. It's not like you’re a stranger or anything...well I mean kind of...." You stepped further into your apartment and motioned for him to follow you. Once the door was closed behind him, you took in his appearance. Much like the pictures you had seen of him thus far, he was dressed in all black. A black pair of jeans, black sweatshirt, and a long black jacket over top. He was taller than you’d thought he’d be. Way taller than you at least. He was also wearing some sort of makeshift facemask that was odd to say the least. It looked like a hand…that covered his whole face. You could make out his red eyes peering out from underneath. You wondered how he could even see between the hand and his long hair that was cascading down around his face.

"Well...I still haven’t seen what you look like, so you’re only a semi-stranger now...you can take it off ya’ know."

He was stuck, in his own mind. He couldn’t utter a response or even bring himself to take another step. His adrenaline was pumping and he couldn't think straight. He had the overwhelming urge to just take you, but there was a longing ache in his heart. He felt it the moment you opened the door. He couldn't figure out what it was, he never had felt this way before. It was familiar, yet foreign to him all at the same time.

"May I?" You motioned up towards his face, you wanted to remove the hand, and take a peek at what was behind it. He finally nodded slowly, still unsure of his next moves, deciding it was ok for you to take the lead for now. You removed the large hand slowly.

"Oh, wow..."

That was it, he knew what he was going to do. He was going to kill you right then and there, clean it up before anyone even heard a thing. He reached up to grab at your neck when you spoke again.

"You're so handsome, why have you been hiding this from me?"

What? That stopped him dead in his tracks. Not that he thought he was bad looking, Tomura just never really considered himself ‘handsome’ before. Hell, no one has ever called him good looking before, yet alone handsome. He didn’t exactly put himself in the types of situations where women would complement him, not while he was in the middle of murdering them , that’s for sure.

"You're perfect." You broke through his bewilderment and brought your hand up to stroke his cheek.You really were so carefree and trusting. He was a stranger from the internet and you just let him walk right in, not even having a clue as to what he was about to do.

Instead of crushing your throat, he reached up and grabbed at your hair. He bent over and leaned in, his grasp on your head moving you closer to him, meeting you halfway. His lips were on yours in an instant, and you immediately matched his vigor.

This was all so foreign to him. Usually he was calculated and always thinking of his next move, but now it was like he was drunk from your scent. His mind was foggy and he couldn't do anything but look at you, and kiss you.

You managed to make your way over to the couch, as you sat him down and plopped down on your knees in from of him. Stroking him through his jeans, feeling how tight they were already becoming. Usually it took a while for him to get to this point. No one ever did this willingly, and the ones who eventually did were too close to death to refuse. But here you were, just willing to please him right off the bat.

-------------------------

He wasted no time in letting you do what you wanted. Getting lost in this hazy dream world, he couldn’t even process one thought in his mind. He didn’t even realize he came down your throat...

"Well, maybe it wasn't ice cream, but at least I got my dessert… " You licked your lips, and stood up from beneath him. “Do you want anything to drink?”

“Sure if you don't mind...” Maybe an ice cold drink would do him good, get his mind thinking again. While you were in the kitchen he was thinking of what his next move would be. Clearly his DNA was all up in you, and no doubt you'd be connected to him instantly. He'd been chatting with you for so long, as soon as they found your body they'd put two and two together and his killing spree would be over. He already fucked up if he was going to do this the right way.

Maybe he didn't fuck up though. Maybe in the back of his mind he came inside you just to make sure he couldn't kill you just yet. Keep you around a little longer.

You walked in from the kitchen. Two drinks in hand and sat down on the couch next to him silently sipping from your glass, as you reached out to hand the other to him.

"Sooo..."

Shigaraki supposed he should say something nice at this point. "That was....thank you."

"No problem...I hope you didn't come all the way over here during quarantine for just a blow job? At least tell me you're staying the night?" You winked and flashed him a grin, wiping the last bit of cum from your chin.

Shigaraki had his routines, and sleeping out was definitely not one of them. To leave his lair unguarded...what if someone broke in, and found all his trophies? You took his silence as a negative thing, and moved over to practically sit on his lap.

“Please? You've been teasing me for like 4 weeks now…and now I've finally seen you….” There was a long pause. “I don't think I want you to go back.”

He supposed it was quarantine, no one should be going out and the chances of someone stumbling into his lair by chance were even lower. One night couldn't hurt.

He had never spent this much time with someone so lively so to speak. This whole thing was new to him, and he wasn't quite sure of what to do. He was used to the one being in control but it was the exact opposite here with you.

4 weeks and 2 days into quarantine:

Shigaraki was walking home when he spied you out of the corner of his eye, walking down some side alley. Except, that wasn’t you was it? He had just left you back at your apartment. There was no way you were walking that fast either, you could barely stand when he decided to head back. He was quite proud he didn’t leave you in a worse state. He at least had some self-control, all of which was about to come crashing down quickly. Before he realized, he was right behind your look-alike, grabbing her face and smashing it into the brick wall beside him. He didn’t have time to catch his breath before she took her last. Although he didn’t leave his now signature “dessert” behind, he had just enough time to snag a trophy. Even though it was unplanned, it was still a kill nonetheless.

He didn't hesitate not once with this girl. He did it before he could even realize what was happening...so why wasn't it the same with you???

That scared him.

5 weeks into quarantine:

That scared him so much he ignored you for a few days. He left you on read, every time you tried to reach out and talk to him. The last time being when you finally decided to tell him off and to “go eat shit, you fucking prick.” With all the time that had passed he was now free to kill you. His DNA was nowhere to be found by now, and you had blocked him. He just looked like some tinder hookup that got what he wanted and fucked off right after. Soon you wouldn’t even be a thought in his mind.

5 weeks and 1 day into quarantine:

He decided how he was going to execute his plan, having been thinking about it since he came back down from the haze of your presence. He decided to stalk your apartment building and wait until someone was leaving, for him to slip in undetected. He waited then slipped in the building as your nieghbr made their exit.

He got to your door and hesitated...it was now or never. He reached for the handle, and it was locked....should he knock? Or break it open. Maybe his plan wasn’t as well thought out as he originally thought it was. He was still stuck in his mind, debating, when he heard you on the other side of the door.

"What are you doing here?"

He stood there, deer in the headlights. He could have sworn you could feel his heart thump from all the way on the other side of the door.

"Don't look so fucking surprised. I heard you try the knob."

He finally pulled his head from his ass and spoke up. “I…” he mumbled “...can you open the door?”

You swung open the door just a crack...the chain was still locked. "What?"

"All the way?" He didn’t want to have to beg, but anything he did at this point wouldn’t surprise him. You had a tendency to make him behave irregularly.

You shut the door and waited awhile.....finally, it opened all the way and you stepped aside to let him in. Shigaraki slammed the door behind him, it was now or never. He lunged at you, catching you off guard, slamming you over the side of your couch. He remained on top of you, clutching your throat, watching you try to speak, only able to barely breathe. The other hand was on your hip, grabbing you with a bruising grip to keep you in place. His grip around your neck was getting increasingly tighter, and tighter....until all of a sudden it wasn't. You were getting enough air now and instead of screaming, it sounded to him like you were moaning? He stopped squeezing all together and watched curiously as you started to rub your legs back and forth. You were getting off on this?...holy fuck.

His lips were crashing into yours before you had a chance to breathe properly. Shigaraki was rough straight away, and his lips continued to steal your air before his hands got the chance too. His body taking over, giving his brain a back seat as he let you flip him over and take control. Why was this always so hard for him?

-----------------

A few hours later when you were finally gathering your thoughts together, you decided to ask him why he ghosted you. Why he suddenly showed up out of nowhere just to blow your back out, with no remorse.

"Why did you ignore me for so long?"

"I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with you…" He glanced over and brushed the hair that was stuck to your sweaty forehead aside.

"What you wanted to do with me? I'm a human you know… I have feelings…"

“If you were really so mad at me you wouldn’t have let me in, in the first place…or even let me do any of that.”

You slap his arm away from you playfully. He instantly pulls you back, closer to him, into tighter embrace, and brings his chin to rest on your head.

“So...what did you decide to do with me, handsome?”

He smirked. “I’ve decided to keep you around.”

#tomura x reader #shigaraki x reader #non-con #murder #serial killer #tomura shigaraki #shigaraki tomura #Hybristophilia #serial killer tomura #serial killer shigaraki

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scraaaaaam · 3 years

Text

This is going to be a mini vent so skip if you need to, I just need to get this all out of my head.

I’m scared. I don’t really ever allow myself to think about this because it’s so much easier to ignore even though it affects every hour of my life

I have bipolar 2. Been diagnosed by three different doctors. Maybe I should be thankful that it’s just bipolar 2 for now. But I’m not. Maybe I should be thankful that I don’t have full blown delusional paranoid manic episodes like my mom ( who has bipolar 1) but I’m not.

I’m fucking scared. I’m scared because during the depression spells I can barely keep myself alive. Barely keep myself from doing something stupid and impulsive. The world feels like it caving in around me and I can’t breath. And I know that unless I take meds that that’s not gonna change.

The hypo manic episodes make me feel like I can finally get a job and work again, like I can go back to college, get my life together and be actually worth something and that I can be normal. They also make me think that jumping on a moving train is a good idea. They logic disappear and I do stuff like sew my hands together or bite/ cut off apart of my tongue because “ it’s not a part of my body get it off”. It makes me want to sleep around with people I don’t know even though I hate the idea of sex. And I know it’ll just get worse if I don’t get on medication.

And every symptom in between, loss of impulse control and loss of emotional control, being angry over nothing, stuff I know is nothing but I scream all the same. Not being able to sleep for hours and when I finally can, not being able to wake up. Extreme hunger that turns into being repulsed by all food. Feeling helpless and useless especially when comparing myself to how much better I was last year and the year before. Latching on to someone and making your whole world revolve around them for god knows why.

This is something I know I have to deal with for the rest of my life. That the people I care about in my life will have to deal with. And I’m terrified. I look at my mom and see how she is now, she wasn’t always like this but I see her getting worse and I know I will to unless I get on medication. But I’m scared. I’ve tried medication twice and both ended up with me having an episode and ODing. I do not feel safe being in charge of my own meds.

I’m also scared to be dependent on them. That if something happened in the world where suddenly I can’t have them then I know the fall will almost kill me. I’ve felt the fall before and I was stronger back then, or maybe back then I didn’t have that far to fall.

But most of all I’m scared that it ultimately means defeat. That I gave up on trying to be normal and ok. And I just want to spend a few more months or even just days not on them. Maybe I can prove that I can be ok without them and maybe it was all a bad dream. But I know it isn’t and I know that by leaving it untreated it’ll make it worse. But I just want to spend another day pretending that I’m ok.

Because I look at my mom, and remember all the things she has said and done during her manic stages. I remember how she targets my dad because he’s the only person here that she can target. I look at her impulsiveness and lack of care for the money that my dad is forced to give her to keep her happy when we don’t have food for ourselves to eat.

And I’m terrified that I’m going to turn into her in the end. And not be even able to see what it doing is wrong because I’m to far gone. That I will never be able to take care of myself or have a family because it’s not fair to them to have them in that environment.

I’m just so tired of it all, and i miss the days where I was able to use this to fuel me to keep working so I could eventually get out and be better, do better. Where I was able to do so much for myself, like get my ged, get and hold down a job ( although come to think of it if it wasn’t for the pandemic I probably would’ve been fired so fast) and even get into and start college

I did everything right and got out of a bad home situation I was doing so well. Just to have all this hit me harder then it ever has before and now can’t even hold down an easy job, and now can’t even think about going back to college without getting sick. I did everything I was supposed to and was doing so good and now I can’t even stand to take a shower without crying.

I’m just so tired and I want it all to stop. And pretend it all isn’t real and just pretend that I’m normal for another day. But it’s getting to the point where it’s impossible but I’m not ready to have fancy drugs messing with my brain just so I can function, because the way things are looking, it’s more of a “when” I lose access to my medication, and not a “if”

And I’m terrified that I won’t survive the fall. But I know if I don’t then I’ll turn into someone like my mom. And I don’t know which is worse

I’m just scared, I’m tired of it all.

Sorry I just need to rant and I don’t have any other outlets.

#mental illness #actuallymentallyill #bipolar 2 #bipolar 1 #tw: vent #vent #tw: trauma #tw mental health #tw bipolar #rant #tw rant #tw swearing #tw: medication #tw od #od mention

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yume-fanfare · 4 years

Text

translation - the whereabouts of the roast beef

this is a translation of one of the four short stories HoneyWorks posted at the beginning of the pandemic! it’s written by Kosaka Mari, you can read it in japanese here. this was translated from this spanish translation by mieltrabajos.

Other stories:

Two people at the school festival

Who is the owner?

Aiming towards the heroine, Suzumi Hiyori!

The whereabouts of the roast beef

By the time Shibasaki Aizou finally finished his work it was already night, and he was longing to get home.

Since he debuted as an idol in the unit LIPxLIP he had had a very tight schedule and, as it was to be expected, it only got worse each day.

“That manager… She gives us way too much work…”

When he got home and turned on the lights, his cat, Kuro, ran under the table from the couch where he had been sitting.

Aizou left the plastic bag he'd been carrying on the table.

“Even this feels like we're in school.”

His partner and him were partly responsible for that day's dance class delay.

He hadn't realized that so much time had passed while he argued about the choreography with Yuujirou. In fact, just remembering his partner's stubborn face, as he wouldn't listen to anyone but himself, made Aizou sick, furrowing his brow.

“I wish he'd listen to other people's opinions sometimes… Hey!”

Kuro leaned over and tried to shove his face inside the bag as Aizou raised his fist while speaking alone. When he noticed, Aizou picked up the cat and placed him on a chair.

“You stay here! This is not for you!”

But even with those words, the cat just licked himself with a mischievous shine in his eyes.

Aizou had no other option but to bring Kuro his food bowl and fill it. That way, the cat started eating next to him.

“Well… what should I do?”

Aizou put his hands on his hips and took the meat out of the plastic bag.

On the way back home I suddenly felt like “Meat… I want to eat meat…” so I went to a 24-hour supermarket and bought some.

He pulled out his cellphone and looked for a recipe online. Once he'd decided what he wanted to cook, he took off his uniform blazer and put on some apron that was lying on a chair.

Two hours later, Aizou had accidentally made roast beef.

“Yes! Perfect!” he cheered and did a victory pose.

“Wait. What am I doing.”

Suddenly recovering his sanity, he leaned over the kitchen table, putting his hands on it.

Why was he roasting beef instead of saving his precious hours of sleep?

Kuro, who was walking around him, sat down and looked up. Aizou looked up too and saw the clock. 2:30 AM.

He had finished, but the tiredness overtook his appetite. He yawned.

“Should I leave it for tomorrow's lunch?” he mumbled in a sigh and grabbed a bento box from a shelf. “Oh, before that.” He pulled out his phone out of the apron's pocket and took a picture of the roast beef.

He sent it to his partner. And, as soon as he did so, the reading receipts showed up. It seemed like he wasn't the only one awake.

He didn't get a reaction or text back, so Yuujirou was probably annoyed too.

Good. I can easily picture his face.

During the dance class he had thrown a ridiculous tantrum after being called “rhythm tone-deaf”.

Aizou packed his food inside a bento box with some rice as a side dish and closed the lid, satisfied.

“Ok, I finished. Now, I'll take a bath and go to sleep.”

He put the lunch on the table and left the room hugging Kuro.

---

Shibasaki Ken walked down the stairs still half-asleep, carrying Kuro. He placed him on the floor and refilled his water and food bowls.

When he opened the fridge, he found it completely empty except for the cream bun he bought the day before and a plastic water bottle. When he pulled them out and put them on the table, he saw an unknown bento box.

“What's this…?”

He unpacked it and lifted the lid to find some tidily placed roast beef with rice. Ken looked at it, admired, and then started laughing.

“Ohh, this is here to be eaten, right~?”

Kuro walked towards him and Ken picked him up. The cat answered with a meow. Ken put him down again and wrapped the lunchbox.

“I’m so lucky!” he exclaimed.

He put it in his bag and thought about the cream buns, which he ended up leaving in the fridge again.

“Thanks for answering!” he told the cat and left the room in a good mood.

---

The next morning, Aizou woke up later than usual. He ran down the stairs as he put on his blazer.

“Oh, before anything else…!”

He went to the kitchen and pulled out a plastic water bottle. He poured some in a glass and drank from it, then moved to the table.

However, the bento box that should have been there had disappeared. No matter how many times he looked for it, it wasn’t anywhere to be found.

“Uh, why…?

Instead, the only thing left were the convenience store-brand cream-filled buns.

(There’s only one person who could have done this.)

Aizou grabbed one of the buns, angry.

When he left the living room towards the main door, he didn’t see the shoes that were always there, next to his. Even though he usually left at the very last minute, when the first period was about to start, it seemed like he’d left early today.

(He escaped!)

Aizou dashed towards the living room, grabbed the cream buns and put them in his bag, which he had thrown on the couch before.

He went back to the doorway and put on his shoes, waved Kuro goodbye, as he had come to see him off, and left the house as he yelled: “I’m leaving!”

“I won’t forgive you!”

He jumped on his bike and started pedaling vigorously.

He had worked hard on roasting the beef after coming back from work.

(In any case, I have to get it back!)

Aizou gained momentum, went down the hill and turned the corner at the next intersection.

---

When the morning classes ended, the girls approached Aizou at his desk.

“Hey, Ai-kun, why don't we have lunch together?”

Aizou got up, mashed cream bun in hand, and ran out of the class saying:

“I'm sorry, I have to leave, there's an emergency!”

Yuujirou, who was sitting at his desk drinking chocolate milk, eyed him. “Huh?”

(I wasn't able to get a hold of him this morning because he was flirting!)

As he ran down the hall, the girls screamed: “Oh, Aizou!”

He pushed them away and kept going down the stairs. Then, someone grabs his collar and pulls him aside.

“Hey, Shibasaki, no running in the halls.”

When Aizou turned around, he was met with his homeroom teacher, Akechi.

(While I'm here, my roast beef is being…!)

“Teacher, I'm on a rush!” he said hurriedly and teacher Akechi let go off his clothes.

However, it seemed like he wouldn't be able to leave yet.

“By the way, it seems like Someya and you are the only ones who haven't turned in the club orientation form?”

“Do we have to do this now?”

“You're quite behind the deadline, aren't you?”

Mr. Akechi put his hands in his lab coat's pockets and gave him a look of disapproval.

“Ooh, Aizou is being scolded by the teacher~” some of his female classmates giggled as they passed by.

(Why am I receiving a lecture right when I have to leave?)

Aizou made eye contact, although he was uncomfortable, and tried to make an entrance to escape.

“We don't really want to enroll in any clubs… I mean, we're already idols!”

“Don't run!”

Ignoring Mr Akechi's upset voice, he ran away again.

---

(Where are you….)

As he looked around the second year halls, he heard a girl call out to him.

“Hey!”

It was most likely because there weren't many students around.

“What's the matter, Aizou?”

“What are you looking for?”

(Ugh!)

He involuntarily tensed up and he backed down a couple of steps.

“No… It's just…”

It was hard to look for him with that group of students.

“I'm sorry, I think I made a mistake!” he blurted out and ran away from the scene.

“He's so cute!” the older girls giggled.

He blushed at those words as he ran down the stairs.

(There's so many obstacles in the second year classrooms!)

That way, he couldn't get near the classroom.

(Wait… I don't know which one he's in!)

The realization hit him as he reached the first floor, doubling over and putting his hands on his knees.

“Oh, but I only have to find wherever he eats lunch!” he accidentally said out loud, and a passing boy looked at him confused.

(Maybe at the courtyard?)

Aizou was running again before realizing.

“My roast beef~”

---

When lunchtime came, Ken invited Kotarou and Kodai to the rooftop, and as they sat against the railing, he took the bento box out of his bag.

“You're eating bento today, Shibaken? That's rare to see,” Kodai commented in disbelief while eating his own yakisoba bread.

Usually, Ken just bought some rice balls and bread at the convenience store.

“It was on the table when I woke up this morning.”

“Wow!” Kotarou side-eyed the bento box as he ate his rice balls. “Did you make it yourself?”

“I don't know who made it. Someone who occasionally shows up at home?” when answered with a smile, his friends were glad to see him happy.

“I'm kind of jealous…”

“It's okay, you can eat my leftovers,” he waved his hand and started downing the food.

(Um…)

“Can he cook…?” he asked no one in particular, but then smiled and answered himself I don't think so.

---

“Where could you be...?”

The girl standing next to the vending machine stared at Aizou as he yelled and ran down the halls. Her long hair swung from side to side.

“Shibasaki's little brother...?”

When she asked that Aizou's legs stopped to a halt.

(The girl who brought Kuro!)

Someone I met in my neighborhood once.

I don't know what kind of relationship they have nor I want to know, but she's at least an acquaintance of mine. And it seems she's in the same class as my older brother.

“What's the matter?”

“I'm… looking for someone.”

Holding eye contact with her wasn't easy. He was an idol, but he didn't get along well with women. Plus, if he was seen talking to one, who knows which future rumors might spread.

Usually, he'd just ignore her and keep going, but this was an emergency so he couldn't flee.

“Well, I don't know what it is but… it seems like it's difficult.” Maybe, Aizou thought, the senior girl was trying to sympathize with him.

He finally met her eyes and sighed.

“Maybe they're at the rooftop… Why don't you check there?”

“The rooftop…?”

Aizou lifted his head. The school's rooftop had flowerbeds and benches, and some students had lunch there when the weather was nice.

(There!)

“Thank you, senpai!” He grinned and turned around.

Holding the juice box she'd gotten from the vending machine, she stared at him with wide eyes, a bit surprised about the term he'd used.

---

After dashing up the stairs that led to the rooftop, Aizou flung the door open. The strong breeze moved his blazer.

“My roast beef!” he yelled, and the three people eating at the rooftop turned to look at him.

My brother Ken and his friends.

Then, he saw that the bento box Ken was holding was empty except for a bit of parsley.

“My…! My…!”

Aizou fell to his knees.

(I was too late!)

Kodai turned towards Ken.

“Looks like it was him after all.”

“Huh? Shibaken's got a little brother?” Kotarou looked at both of them while holding a rice ball.

“You didn't know him?” Ken threw an arm around Aizou's shoulders.

“Why don't you make your own lunch instead of stealing other's?” his voice shaking with rage, Aizou slowly got up. “It was my lunch!” He pointed at Ken angrily and left with a sigh.

Ken walked towards his brother, not troubled in the slightest.

“What?!”

With a cheerful tone, Ken handed his brother the empty bento box.

“Delicious.”

He patted Aizou's head softly and walked inside the school building in a good mood.

(What the hell…!)

Holding the lunchbox with only parsley, Aizou teared his hopes into pieces.

At least, he felt like his brother's friends sympathized with him.

---

The next Saturday morning, Aizou did a decided pose.

“All right, let's do it again!” he said as he finally put roast beef inside his lunchbox again. “I could become an expert on this,” he murmured happily, putting the bento inside his backpack.

Since they didn't have class that day, his brother must still be asleep. Or at least there weren't any signs of him going downstairs.

(I won't let the same error happen again!)

Aizou laughed softly and declared: “This time, I'll eat roasted beef! Let's go!”

He petted Kuro's head, who was sitting in his chair, grabbed his backpack and ran towards the door.

That day he had to meet up for some recordings and magazine interviews. After that, he had lessons, so he'd be back home by midnight, as usual.

When he left his house, their manager's car was waiting for him outside, engine running.

---

When they finished their morning work and went back to the office, they took a small lunch break.

Aizou bought a can of coffee from the vending machine on the first floor and hummed as he got onto the elevator.

As he got to the office floor, a staff member congratulated him:

“Aizou-kun, good work!”

“Good work~!” he greeted back with a smile and then laughed and said to himself: “What am I doing?”

“Did this morning's recording go well?”

“Indeed!” he grinned and waved before leaving for the break room.

(The roast beef is waiting for me!)

When he opened the door, he saw that Yuujirou was already having lunch there.

“Good work!” he told him.

He got a tired “good work” in return.

Aizou grabbed a foldable chair and sat down next to him. He glanced at the bento Yuujirou was eating.

“...!!!!????”

He looked at it again.

It was the lunchbox that Aizou had brought.

And it was almost empty.

Yuujirou was making a grimace and his mouth moved with disgust.

However, on the table laid two convenience store rice balls. Probably it was the manager in training who bought them.

(I… had left it on the table!)

He had only left it alone for a second when he took it out of his bag and went to the vending machine to get coffee. Since he had gotten to the office, he'd been glad it wouldn't be like last time.

Aizou banged the table with his hands.

(Noooo!)

“I didn't need the bell peppers.” Yuujirou had pushed them to the side and looked at them with disgust.

“You didn't need any of it! So eat the peppers too!”

“They're bitter, so no.” Yuujirou frowned and turned around.

“Eat them! You already ate it, so at least eat all of it!”

“No way. Why did you put bell peppers in it!?”

“It wasn't for you. Don't be stingy when you're eating someone else's bento!”

Since he was losing the argument, Yuujirou stomped on the floor like a child.

“Roast beef shouldn't be so dry. You overcooked it!”

“Hah?!? What are you talking about. It was perfect!”

(Ugh, today, today's being absolutely the worst!)

“I'll let you know!”

“Haah?! Try me!!”

Right when a physical fight was about to break, the door swung open.

“Hey boys, good work~ … !!!!” Hiyori, their manager in training, dropped her plastic water bottle on the floor. “You’re fighting again!”

Aizou and Yuujirou pointed at each other and said at the same time:

“This guy is the worst!”

#lipxlip #lip x lip #honeyworks #shibasaki aizou #someya yuujirou #shibasaki ken #mar's translations #poor aizou #hworks #hw links

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liliseestheworld · 4 years

Text

Stay home with me. hhj-part2

author’s note: I wrote and rewrote this a lot; it’s my first time writing smut so I didn’t want to dissapoint anyone. Pls give me feedback, good or bad. And please stay safe everyone

Your mom was going to kill you. For real. Imagine your daughter calling you at 1 am to tell you she was going to stay with a boy during a world pandemic. At least, it could be worse, right? You didn’t tell her you’ve just met the boy though, explaining to her that you met up with one of your best friends from college and decided to hang out together for a few days. Plus, you told her one of your female friends was his roommate. A little lie never killed anyone.

It was hard to persuade her, but she had to give in; simply because there was nothing she could do. Come after her? She didn’t know where she was. Call the police and tell them that she went out in the middle of the night? She wouldn’t snitch. Order you to come back? You were an adult already. And even so, deep inside, she was relieved that you got to spend some time with someone else. She was worried about you, slouching on the couch all day- when you were feeling good enough to leave the bed.

And that’s how you found yourself sneaking back to Hyunjin’s flat with him. He lived quite near the rink, but you still had to be careful. Not too extra though, like Hyunjin was right now. He was walking slowly on his toes, hiding behind cars, streetlights and occasionally vending machines. He was making the 10 minutes walk into a 30 minute James Bond movie. Was he even breathing?

“God, what a perfect hiding space. No one would see the 2 meters tall dork crouching behind that volvo.”

“Hey, I am being cautious here. And having fun at the same time. When is the last time you got to roll over the street and then shoot enemies with your finger gun?”

“I don’t know if I should be embarrassed or not, but actually I did this a few weeks before the quarantine. College parties sure as hell are fun.”

Hyunjin was staring at you weirdly, but then burst into laughter; he looked adorable. Right there in that moment, you wanted to stay around him forever. Were the streetlights and windy night at fault for this? You saw too many couple’s aesthetic moodboards. Maybe you could delete some of them from your gallery. Although you had to admit: Hyunjin would be a perfect fit in all of them.

“Come on, y/n, let’s shoot imaginary villains. Think of a crime. What had they done?”

“I don’t know, go out during isolation and break into an ice rink? Pretty dangerous fellas.”

“You’re no fun. We’re not shooting ourselves.”

“Ok, ok. We’re after gang members. Wanted for possession of drugs, violence and all the package.”

“That’s more like it.”

“But we need cool detective’s names.”

“How about Santiago and Peralta?”

“Are you making a Brooklyn nine-nine reference? ‘Cause I love it! Let’s go with those.”

It was almost 2 am. The world was quiet, as it was crumbling slowly around you two. The shops were closed, city on lockdown, empty parks and food markets were overwhelmed with demand. The economy was going down fast. And you were it the middle of a dark street, running around parked cars with finger guns aimed somewhere in space and Hyunjin following you close.

What a strange night.

Just shortly after your arrest of the third ‘gang member’, Hyunjin pointed to a nearby building.

“There it is. We made it, part’ner. I have to say, you make one hell of a hot cop.”

“Just because you use Peralta’s name doesn’t mean you have to be as annoying as he is.”

“Well, you’re hotter than Amy and you don’t see me complaining.”

-----------

The first thing you did when you entered Hyunjin’s apartment was ‘wooow’ out loud. Second came washing your hands. It was a decent one-room flat, but it was considerably larger than a normal one. There were an open kitchen, a pretty spatious bathroom and what was supposed to be a room, split in two. It had a soft-looking mattress sitting next to a big closet. No bed. And then, there came a big wall-like mirror that was responsible for the split of the room. In front of the mirror was a big…nothing. The floor-and a lot of it-and nothing else.

“ What’s with the big mirror? Didn’t think your ego was this big.”

“Definitely smaller than your sarcasm but whatever. It’s for dancing.”

Dancing? He didn’t seem like that kind of guy. You guessed he was working out by his resistance when he was planking over you. Pretty close to a dancer, right? Again, you are reminded of how little you know about him.

“What kind of dancing? And please, do say ballet. Those tights would do your thighs justice.”

Hyunjin chuckled while putting away your skates. He opened a glass door that you hadn’t noticed before and entered the balcony. You stayed were you were, not really excited about the view his 9th floor apartment had to offer.

“I’m sorry to dissapoint you, darling; but if you want to see my thighs that bad, you’ll have to get me naked. I’m leaning more towards street-breakdance kind of stuff. Fortnite too. Actually, my fortnite dance instructor, Felix has been teaching me tiktok dances. I make one hell of a renegade.”

“You actually have a fortnite dance instructor?? My brother would sell me to hire one.”

Hyunjin laughed out loud, entering back into the apartment and heading towards the kitchen.

“He’s not an actual instructor; although he could be. But Felix is my best friend and classmate at the dance academy. I helped him get used to the customs when he moved to Korea and, to show his gratitude, he’s flossing around me 24/7. Want a drink?”

“Sure. Where did Felix move from?”

You made small-talk with Hyunjin, feeling like you were sharing secrets with your best friend everytime you mentioned something about your life. As you were lost in the curiosity about each other, you failed to notice the sunrise. Until you returned from the short trip to the bathroom and laid your eyes on him again. This time you were actually seeing him.

He was busy staring out the window while waiting for you. His eyes were focused on something on the sky; maybe a bird, flying around in the early hours of the day or a plane, passing by and leaving a pink-ish line behind. Or maybe he was watching the rays of the Sun, appearing one by one from behind the small house over the street. His dark eyes were being slowly illuminated by them and you were wondering if he was aware of this. Of the glowing sparkle his eyes emited. He had to know and that’s why he was looking towards the light. Afterall, how can someone so beautiful not realize the wonders his features hold? His hair was fluffy and messy, probably because he kept pushing his hair back while laughing with you a few minutes ago.

When he sensed your presence and turned his eyes away from the Sun you were hit with the realization: it wasn’t the outside light. It had nothing to do with it. His eyes were just warm and shinning on their own. When he fixed them on you, with a look so bright and a smile so pure it could put Angels to shame, you were done for.

“Kiss me.”

His expression suddenly changed, going from surprised to serious; his eyes were darker now. Maybe there was still some light from the Sun left and it just drained out now. By looking at you. By staring at your lips so hard that you swore they hurt. He got up slowly, making his way over to you. When he got close enough he pushed you gently so that your back was pressed against the wall.

“Are you sure?” he was looking at you carefully, trying to read your expression. You nodded, before smiling and putting your arms around his neck.

Hyunjin smiled too, but he was back to serious again. God, you were beautiful. Even more like this, grinning at him while holding him close. He’d give away everything he owned just to stay like this forever.But it seemed like you had other plans as you pulled him down and finally kissed him. It started soft at first, lips shyly touching each other; then, Hyunjin’s hands moved to your hips as he pressed himself closer to you and deepened the kiss.

It was desperate and messy, your moves still out of sync. But it was the best kiss you ever had. It was more than tongues touching; you were going crazy from the way he looked at you before you kissed him, from the tingles that his hands were spreading all over your body, it was the way he tasted, so sweet and addictive and the sounds he was making while moving his lips against yours.

You slid your hands down his chest until you reached the hem of his shirt. You lifted it slightly and your hands touched his bare skin. Hyunjin gasped, slightly breaking the kiss. His lips were red and wet, his mouth open as he panted heavily. You were no better, breathing hard, lips messy and mind unfocused. What was he doing to you?

Hyunjin smiled at you, gently kissing your nose. You had no idea how could someone be so hot and so cute at the same time. However, those thoughts became insignificant as his kisses kept trailing lower and lower. He sweetly pecked your cheek and your chin, but as he reached your neck his ministrations became messier. He pressed open-mouthed kisses all over your neck. Meanwhile your hands never stopped exploring his abdomen. His skin felt soft and warm, your fingers tracing his defined ab muscles. As your hand slid down lower his kisses grew hotter, and by the time you reached his v-line, he was sucking purple marks into your collar bones.

Hyunjin kissed you one more time before taking your hands and walking with you towards the mattress. You sat down on it and took off your shirt, making Hyunjin go crazy. You were so small, sat down at his feet, undressing yourself for him without even being told to do so. You were asking to be ruined.

Making eye contact with him, you reached back and unclasped your bra, letting it fall on the floor next to your shirt.

“Fuck, you’re so pretty, baby. And such a good girl, getting all naked for me.”

Hyunjin took off his shirt too, pushing you back on the bed and lying on top of you. He licked over your forming hickeys. He shifted so now his hips were pinning your thighs down, as his hands firmly grabbed your breasts. Suddenly, his mouth was on your chest, his teeth tenderly biting on your nipples. You gasped and grabbed his hair, trying to pull him off and closer at the same time.

“So sensitive, petal. It’s been a long time since someone touched you like this, right?”

“Too long. Please, Hyunjin.” he only chuckled, hit teeth continuing to bite around your chest and graze your buds.

Hyunjin’s eyes searched yours as he kept kissing down your body. He was kissing your squishy tummy, leaving a few bites here and there. You were getting too hot and the wetness leaking through your underwear was becoming uncomfortable. You wanted him to actually do something and you wanted it now.

“Please, just stop teasing me. I need you to properly touch me, Hyunjin.” his actions stopped as he was scowling at you.

“Oh, so I wasn’t touching you ‘properly’ until now? You wanna tell me that you weren’t feeling good, despite moaning like a dirty slut everytime my mouth was on you, hmm?” he was straight up glaring at you now, his left hand squeezing your stomach as his other hand travelled further down, resting on your jeans’ zipper. “Is that what you’re trying to tell me, y/n?” he opened your jeans, taking them off roughly. “Because from my point of view, you’re just too desperate for me.”

Fuck Hyunjin and his big ego. He was acting again like the cocky jerk that you thought he was when you first met him. Of course his personality had to remain the same even in bed. He was just cruel, teasing and sweetly degrading you like this. But the reason why you hated him most was because his words had on you the exact effect that he wanted. Your panties were getting wetter by second and you struggled really hard to hold in your whimpers. But two could play this game and you were determined to win.

“I wouldn’t say I’m the only desperate here, Hyunjin. You’re just as impatient as I am. After all, you’ve been hard for a while now. Isn’t that right, hmm, petal?” taking advantage of Hyunjin’s shock, you flipped the two of you so that you were now on top of him. “And I don’t mean just your hard-on from when we were kissing.”

Hyunjin’s expression changed from surprised to confused, as he was curiously gazing into your eyes. Time to have fun.

“Silly baby, you really thought I didn’t notice that you had a boner while we were hiding under the rink? So needy, Hyunjin, getting so excited without me even having to do anything.” while you were talking, you started grinding on him; he was flustered and completely caught by surprise.

“What, cat got your tongue, pretty boy? Where’s the big bad dom from earlier, hmm?”

You continued your moves against him as Hyunjin tried to come back to his senses. He wasn’t expecting this. He didn’t know you had it in you and honestly, it was hot. His dick was twitching like crazy and his mind was getting hazy. He wanted to punish you for this but he could wait. He could indulge in this sexy side of yours for a little while. He did nothing but lay down and let you pleasure yourself on top of him. His hands were obediently placed at his sides. He just watched.

Your movements were getting faster, your tits bouncing just above his face, your eyes fixed on yours as your nails were lightly scratching his chest. Enough. You’ve had your fun. It was time Hyunjin put you back in your place. His hand slowly rose up and tightened around your neck. He quickly got on top, smirking down at you.

“The big bad dom’s back, y/n. He just let babygirl play for a bit. Now that you’ve had your fun, are you going to be a good girl for me? Or you can’t act like anything but a brat?”

His hold around your neck got tighter the longer you maintained your silence. When you felt like it was becoming too much you tapped his hand and Hyunjin let you go. His palm was now stroking your hair as he pressed his lips to your forehead.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m good”. Hyunjin looked at you, just to make sure you weren’t uncomfortable and then smirked.

“Good. Now take your jeans off and spread your legs for me, baby. Show me how sorry you are for disobeying me.”

You quickly took your pants off, struggling a little bit when you reached your ankles. Damn you, skinny jeans. Thankfully, Hyunjin noticed your struggle and helped you undress all the way, pressing a quick peck to your left calf before throwing the jeans away.

You felt like teasing him some more, and closed your legs, keeping your knees close to your chest. When he glared at you, you just smiled innocently at him. Hyunjin put both of his hands on your ankles, but didn’t try to force them open. Instead, he was staring into your eyes with a stern look.

“Spread.”

You didn’t move at all. You weren’t going to respond to him if he just ordered you around. You two were exactly the same when it came to dominance. He had to make you want to be good for him.

“Come on, baby. You want to spread your legs nice and wide for me, don’t you? Will you let me make you feel good? Please?” hearing him ask you so sweetly was your undoing. You let your legs fall open, guided by his hands.

“That’s it, such a good girl for me.” his hands were caressing your thighs, eyes never leaving your underwear. Without even taking them off, his lips pressed against your center and his eyes closed. “So wet, baby. I don’t even have to take your panties off to feel it.” One of his hands reached your breasts and started playing with your nipples while his lips were kissing you over the material of your underwear. You were feeling so good, but at the same time, so frustrated. You wanted more. You needed his mouth directly on you, without those stupid panties in the way.

“Hyunjin, please, stop the teasing already. I promise I’ll try to be good, just eat me out. Pretty please?” he only chuckled, his fingers now pulling on your panties, making them stretch over your pussy. After a while he stopped, slowly moving your panties to the side.

“How could I refuse you when you beg so prettily?”

Wasting no more time, he moved his head back between your legs. This time, you felt his hot breath directly on your pussy, before his tongue licked you slowly. Fuck, it was so much better now. After making sure you were wet enough, Hyunjin brought his middle finger close to your entrance and pushed it inside carefully, making you gasp.

“That’s it, baby. Whimper for me. You sound so pretty.” his finger was moving faster now and you moaned out your desire for more. “You’re so tight though. Do you think you can take another one, y/n? You’re gonna let me stretch you out for my cock, hmm?”

“Yes, fuck. Give me more, Jinnie.”

Hyunjin smirked and brought three of his fingers to your mouth, his middle finger moving around your lips and spreading your wetness.

“Open up. You have to get them really wet, petal. Otherwise they wont even fit in your tiny sensitive cunt, won’t they?” your mouth welcomed his fingers as you sucked on them greedily. Fuck, he had nice hands. You couldn’t keep your eyes away from them while he was making you coffee just a few hours ago. And now his veiny hands were all over you, his long fingers pressing gently on your tongue, making you choke. When you pulled back to breathe, Hyunjin brought his fingers back to your pussy. Never breaking eye contact, he pushed all three of his fingers inside, making your eyes roll back and your hand come down to grab his wrist.

“Uh-uh. Hand off.” your hand left his and grabbed the pillow instead. It was too much all of a sudden; it really has been too long since anyone touched you and you were too sensitive. But you could take it. You were determined to show Hyunjin that you could take it all like a big girl.

His fingers were pounding you faster and faster, your wetness leaking around them and already staining the bedsheets, but you couldn’t care less. He was hitting your spot with every thrust making your thighs shake.

“Hyunjin, I’m- I’m close.” his movements were even faster now, his thumb moving to rub quickly on your clit.

Hyunjin watched you as you fell apart, his strong grip on your hips keeping them from shaking too much. You were gasping and moaning out his name, making him hiss as he palmed himself over his pants. God, he was right; you were loud. And that cute whimper that you let out when you almost got caught, the one that he silenced with his own hand, he was hearing it again just like he wanted. He was so lucky. And needy.

“Breathe, petal. Calm down. Are you okay?”

You couldn’t form words anymore so you just nodded, lying limp on his bed. Hyunjin reached out and got you a bottle of water that was sitting on the floor near his bed. You two shared the bottle and then Hyunjin got up to get rid of it.

When he came back you kissed him sweetly. At least, at first. Sure, that was the best orgasm of your life, but you were greedy. You wanted to feel all of him and weren’t shy in your actions. You straddled his thighs and got on top again while kissing his neck and chest. You had one goal in mind; you wanted to taste him. You reached for his pants, your lips on his v-line, when he stopped you.

“Believe me, y/n, there’s nothing I would want to feel more then your pretty lips around me, but that can wait for next time.” his cheeks suddenly became rosy and he was avoiding your eyes again; was he embarrassed? “It’s been a long time for me too and I won’t last if you suck me off.”

You giggled and booped his nose, getting off of him and lying down again. Hyunjin got up and pulled out a condom from a drawer. He undressed quickly and put it on, before moving into a plank position above you. That little fucker.

“Does this remind you of something, baby?” you lightly punched his shoulder and then kissed him.

“Just fuck me already, you annoying little shit.”

“Wel, how can I refuse when you’re asking me so nicely?”

He positioned himself at your entrance and paused, his eyes searching yours. He quietly asked you if you were okay and you nodded to let him know that it was fine, yet he kept still.

“ I need words, baby. Can I fuck this pretty pussy?”

“Yes, Hyunjin.”

Your confirmation was all he needed as he let himself slide in. You didn’t get a chance to look at his erection when he undressed, but now, as he was pushing inside you slowly, it felt lke he was huge. The biggest you’ve ever had, as he was still trying to get in. Your hands grabbed his and he intertwined his fingers with yours, his lips coming down to softly press against yours. He was switching between the meanest devil and the sweetest angel like it was nothing and you wondered how come you’re still alive.

Just when you felt like you couldn’t physically take another inch, you felt his thighs touching yours and he stopped. He gave you a minute to adjust, a minute full of sweet pecks and whispered praises.

“Such a good baby for me. Look at you taking it all. I’m so proud of you, petal. You look so pretty like this.”

When the stretch began the fade, you rolled your hips against him to let him know. Hyunjin pulled out and gave you a few shallow thrusts before he picked up the pace. He was fucking into you like a desperate man, the gentle Hyunjin being long gone. Just like you expected he was loud. Fuck, you loved it when guys aren’t shy about being vocal. And by no means was Hyunjin shy; no way with how he was moaning out loud or with how he whimpered everytime you clenched down on him.

“Fuck, do that again, y/n. That felt so go- ye, just like that. Such a good little slut.”

His hips were moving faster and harder now and you were getting really close to your second orgasm. You tried to let Hyunjin know, but once you opened your mouth, you weren’t able to get anything coherent out. Only chocked moans and broken parts of his name. Just as you were about to cum again, his pace faltered and his moves became messy. Hyunjin burried his face in your neck, where he let out the most delicious whimpers.

“Fuck, I can’t stop, baby. I’m gonna cum. I can’t, I can’t-”

He came while biting down on your shoulder, his sweaty thighs pressed down against yours.

“You were close, weren’t you? I’m sorry baby. Let me make up for this, yeah?”

Without pulling out, his fingers found your bundle of nerves and started playing with it. As you were getting close again he sped up and now he was rubbing your clit with his whole palm, veiny fingers getting once again drenched in your juices. It didn’t take you too long to get on the edge, and with a shout of his name you came for him for the second time tonight.

Hyunjin hid his face back into your shoulder as he calmed down his fast breathing. But even after five minutes, he was still in the same position. You thought that maybe he fell asleep, but you were doubting the fact that a dancer didn’t have enough stamina to get it out after cumming. And then you remembered his avoiding eyes and blushing cheeks.

“Hyunjin, baby, are you ok?”

“No, let me perish in my humiliation.”

You gently lifted his head and searched for his eyes. He was biting his full lips, trying to escape your look, but giving up fast and eventually locking eyes with you. You patted his head, trying to think of ways to cheer him up.

“Hyunjinnie, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, honey. It has been a while, no one expected you to fuck for hours. And you even made me cum twice. You were more than perfect.” he smiled shyly, his head now resting on your chest. “Now, come on. Let’s shower and get something to eat, I’m starving.”

After 2 weeks

“We kinda deserve this, baby.”

“Yeah, we do.”

The first week with Hyunjin was amazing. You two grew really close to each other, spending time together by cooking, cleaning up, playing weird games, and of course, fucking like rabbits all over the apartment. Your favorite spot was in front of the big mirror separating his room, but you wont admit it to Hyunjin, not even in a million years.

Everything was good, until you woke up coughing in the middle of the night. Hyunjin brought you water and patted your back, but nothing seemed to get it to stop. It eventually ended on its own and you went to bed, only to wake up with a high fever in the morning. You thought nothing of it and took some medication that Hyunjin found around the house.

Fast forward, turns out that you were both infected with an easy form of the virus, that you got from the security guard at the ice rink. He didn’t know he was infected until after a few days after their break-in. Luckily, he got better now and was recovering.

As for you and Hyunjin, you had to stay at home and follow a strict treatment and stay quarantined at least two weeks after they healed completely. You and Hyunjin could do this though. You had plenty of activities to kill time.

“I know you don’t really have a choice, y/n. But will you stay home with me?”

-------------

end note: pls respect social distancing and try to stay home as much as you can.

#hwang hyunjin #hwang hyunjin smut #hwang hyunjin fluff #stray kids imagines #stray kids smut #stray kids #Corona Au #stay home with me #stray kids fanfic #hwang hyunjin fanfic #hwang hyunjin writing

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luvdsc · 3 years

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hi miss cat!! I was just wondering if there’s any advice you would give to a high school freshman/rising sophomore?? sorry I know I’m a bit young to be interacting on your blog but I’m just,,, so lost.

my freshman year ends on May 28 and I just realised how fast this year flew by, and I’m never even gonna get it back…

I didn’t get off my ass and run for an officer position in the clubs I’m in even though the opportunity presented itself many times and I can’t stop beating myself up over it (metaphorically that is)

the only thing unique I did this year was run for student council and um that didn’t work out too well HSDMGFK no surprise there

but on a more serious note I just don’t really have the motivation to do anything right now and this is gonna sound really funny but it’s giving me such a hard time even though it’s self imposed ://

I don’t know why I can’t find motivation to be involved at school

maybe I would be more active if I knew what I want to major in or be in the future?? I used to want to be a biochem major but then I realised I wouldn’t be happy with that lifestyle or salary and now I really wanna major in business but I also feel pressured to major in econs because my dad is an econs major and my brother will be entering college as an econs major this fall so like ;;;;

thankfully my family wasn’t as affected as other families or people during lockdown because I fortunately live in Singapore and the lockdown was a bit less than two months, and the situation here was taken care of quite well. some of my relatives live in Seoul and I also have some relatives emigrated to Washington DC way before the pandemic so I was a bit worried but they seem to be doing fine!! which is again why I don’t understand my slump

because I was in a slump I had shitty grades and ended semester one with such a shitty GPA and such terrible grades that I literally didn’t qualify for APUSH next year which idk if I wanna take or not but still, it would’ve been nice to have the option…. and I literally got a b in biology which is so fucking terrifying because if I had done worse I wouldn’t have even qualified to take AP bio or chem

I mean I am putting effort but not enough for me to get better grades than I do right now so I genuinely feel so lost :// I’ve no idea what to do after high school and my grades aren’t good no matter how hard I try :// like, I’m not even kidding I have tutors for my hardest classes but I’m still not;;; getting good grades…

I honestly feel the urge to start cultivating hobbies that I stopped doing but idk if i should.. like I could spend that time studying, you know?? I’m scared that the rest of my high school career will fly by just like my freshman year did and I won’t even notice it… and my finals are literally in 2 weeks….

and as I’m typing this I realise I have a Chinese test tomorrow and another Chinese test next Tuesday so ummm I gotta go study sorry about all that rambling!! I just don’t have anyone else to tell sorry if this burdened you!!

miss cat if you have any advice to offer I would really really appreciate it!! also I’ve sent like 2 other tells rambling about your fics and idk what to feel rn cuz a few weeks ago I was crying about p*ssy blocked on your blog and now I’m sitting here pouring my heart out:;; but anyways thank you for reading!!❤️

- 🥰

hi, sweetpea 💕 oh gosh, it’s been... almost 8 years since i was a rising sophomore asjhdflkasflkhsakl i feel so old rip and it’s ok, you don’t have to apologize! my blog is sfw, so it’s alright, lovebug :’) i’m gonna give my two cents / advice in regards to each part of your message, instead of my usual numbering, so i hope that’s ok! 💓

i’m sorry to hear that this past school year has been tough for you, honey bee, and that you’re having a hard time ): i know what you mean with motivation... some days, i just don’t wanna try anymore and it’s just like... what’s the point? i worked this hard and didn’t get the results i wanted, so why am i still doing this? it’s disappointing, i know, but i suppose the thing that pushes me forward is that, well, it has to get better at some point, doesn’t it? if i keep going, if i keep pushing myself, if i keep trying, my efforts will be rewarded one day. one day, it’ll all be worth it, honey bee 💛

and while you regret not running for a club position this year and how your freshman year went, make sure to not regret it next year and go for it during your sophomore year, lovebug!! run for a position!!! you’re still so young, and you have so much time ahead of you, sweetpea. enjoy the moment, spend time with your friends, join more clubs that interest you, etc. you got this 🥳 please don’t end up regretting next year as well - become more involved next year and run for an officer position like you wanted to this year 💘 i believe in you, lovebug 🌷🌷

and running for student council was a big step! you should be proud of yourself for trying and putting yourself out there, honey bee 💗 even though it didn’t work out in the way you hoped, you gained experience, and that’s important too!

also, heck yeah for majoring in business, sweetpea 🤩🤩 as a double business major, i support you :’) askljdhfkals ngl econs was my least favorite business class though, so big props to your dad and brother for majoring in it 🤧 i felt that pressure too because my dad and sister both majored in engineering, but in the end of the day, you have to remember that this is your future and your happiness, not anybody else’s. choose what you want to do, honey bee. this isn’t your dad’s choice nor your brother’s choice, it’s your choice. they’re not the one that’s gonna have to study all your classes and do your job in the future. it’s you, and i know it’s hard, but you have to block out what everyone else says and choose what’s best for you.

if you aren’t sure what you want to study, is it possible to take classes for different majors? perhaps, that’ll help you decide! or you can talk to upperclassmen who are in the majors that interest you, and you can see which one appeals to you the most 💕

i’m so glad to hear that the situation there for you is going well though, lovebug! 💛 and i’m happy that your family and relatives are doing well too 💞 sometimes, slumps just happen, honey bee unfortunately ): it’s like i don’t want to feel this way, i’m in a decent place in my life, but why do i feel this way? it has to do with mental health, and my best advice would be to talk to a therapist or psychiatrist. they truly are really helpful and can help you understand better why you feel this way and help you reach a better state of mind.

i’m sorry to hear your grades didn’t end up as what you expected, lovebug ): (and as someone who took apush, it is not fun rip i do not recommend aksjhdflkas you dodged a bullet there) but as a positive way of looking at it, what class can you now take instead of apush? is there another class that you’re excited to take? and a B is still good!!! forget the what if scenario, you still made it to AP bio and AP chem, and that’s what matters, and i’m proud of you, honey bee 💖

personally, i think there’s a healthy balance between cultivating hobbies you like and studying. i don’t think you would want to look back on your sophomore year and have all your memories be of you sitting at your desk and memorizing ionic bonds and plant cell organelles. yes, it’s important to study, but it is also important to have fun and have hobbies that help you destress and relax and make good memories 💗so i’d say go for it, lovebug!!! indulge in your hobbies and find something you love doing! maybe that’ll inspire you to find a major in a similar subject?

best of luck on your upcoming chinese test, honey bee, and i hope your last one on tuesday went well 💜 aaaa i kinda put my advice here and there throughout my response, and i hope it all makes sense for you, sweetpea :’) also omg alksjdhlfakshjdf thank you so much for sending in asks about pussy blocked and for reading it, too 🥺💗💗💗 that means so soo much to me, so thank you, lovebug 💛 i hope life treats you kinder, and that you’re doing better this week! i’m sending you all my love, support, and well wishes, honey bee 💌💌 (also that’s such a cute emoji anon !!! 🥰🥰)

#asks #anonymous #🥰 anon

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murderer-at-midnight · 3 years

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Long answer asks: 3. What's your favourite memory from school? 4. Whats your least favourite memory frol school? 19. Whats sole life advice everyone should know?

Oh shit ok here we go!

3.) favorite memory from school

Ok so I kind of have 3, before the pandemic my middleschool always did a class trip. So in sixth grade we went to Colorado to learn about archeology and a little bit more about Native American history, it was literally so much fun we hiked probably around 100 miles that entire trip, visiting various abandoned cities. I remember during that trip I was rooming with some of my best friends and we had a teacher supervisor in the room as well. And one night our supervisor, whose pajamas were leopard print, comes into the room later in the night, when we were all supposed to be asleep and distinctly remember asking in my sleepy delirious “Senora (she was our Spanish teacher) are you dressed up in a cat suit?” We all laughed so hard. In seventh grade we went to Catalina Island to “study” marine biology. I say study in quotation marks because it was a basically a week long crashcourse, but it was super fun! All of the rooms were big infested which wasn’t so great but, my friend and I shared a bed so it was cozy :]!!!! Then in eight grade we went to Washington DC and surprisingly this was the most tiring trip out of the three. We stayed in a super pretty hotel and the breakfast was always so good, I still remember the hash browns they served :O. Anyways, the entire trip was us just walking around DC costing various historical sites and learning a bit about the political system. To be honest tho nobody was really paying attention, but we went to the international spy museum, the smithsonian, the Holocaust museum, an art museum, we went into the White House, and a few other important government buildings. I can’t remember which one it was but one of the rules of the building was no sleeping and as you can imagine 30 8th graders who had been walking nonstop for the past 4 days it did not go well, lmao we almost got kicked out. The literal next building we went to was the one building that didn’t allow photos and we all fell asleep. We literally got so much freedom that trip it was so much fun, we ended it with like a party on a boat with other classes from different stars it was pretty crazy!

4.) Least favorite memory from school

Oh Jeez ummmm, to be honest I cannot remember anything too too bad, but just one day, also in middle school, I was sick, not like super sick or anything but like the kind of sick where you just feel super sluggish and kinda done with everything around you, you feel? And this girl who I was frenimies with at the time was also not having a good day and my other friend squeezed her Capri sun effectively spilling it all over the table, well my frenimies flips out blaming me because why not you know, anyway to cut a long story short we got into a big fight and I ended up going home early because I just felt worse and didn’t really feel like staying at school anymore.

19.) life advice that everyone should know

Wowie that’s a biggie, I guess this one really depends on the person I’m talking to but since it’s an everyone should know kind of question imma try to keep it accurate but vague you know?

1. “If it makes you happy it’s never a waste of time” you can do things simply for the sake of doing them there doesn’t have to be an end goal in mind. I really liked this tiktok I found about stress and life in general https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeBTwsJL/

2. Also from a tiktok but this one applies to a lot of things but especially people who identify as women. “Don’t feel so much pressure to date, people live to be 100, live your life before you’re given the title of girlfriend, wife or mother, before all that make sure you figure out what makes YOU.” Hopefully I explained that well enough, but I feel like so many people especially now a days feel This immense pressure to follow a socially acceptable time table of romance. Date in high school, fuck around in college, get serious in your mid twenties and get married around 28-30. Companionship is a beautiful thing and if you find the one you find the one but don’t hinder your own growth! Also my own opinion here but I guess this has been the entire thread thus far, a partner should be someone you constantly grow and learn from, this doesn’t even have to be romantically either, you can take away so much from friendships as well. I think as soon as you stop learning and growing from a relationship you no longer need it, and in many cases it can just lead to frustration on both ends of it continues.

3. Jeez I’m really bad at coming up with these on the spot, I really love thinking and talking about these kinds of things and my ask box and messages will always be open if anyone wants to stop by and just talk stuff out! Or like if you have any more specific asks please don’t hesitate to send them my way!

Thank you for the ask <3

#ask #inbox #I’m bad at these #thank you #hopefully the formatting wasn’t too dogshit I’m on mobile :[#personal #long post

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junior-goddess · 4 years

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Ok, so a few months ago I tried to confide in my mom about how my supposed best friend had earth-shatteringly betrayed my trust and exploited a traumatic experience for me, and her response was “oh, I forgot. Anytime someone does or says something you don’t like they’re ‘being mean to you.’” and this honestly was such a stab in my heart (which I let her do to me repeatedly bc I yearn for her love and acceptance, but that’s another issue). She is constantly manipulating and gaslighting me, invalidating my feelings at any and every chance she gets. So now set the stage for tonight with this memory fresh in your mind.

At dinner every night for over a week my stepdad has asked how we’re all feeling about thanksgiving (specifically if we’re comfortable with my brother and his girlfriend, and my stepdads three kids plus one of their partners coming to dinner). We have all said we’re okay with it, every night for a week (I’ll get into why later). The household is currently me, my little brother, my mom, and my stepdad. I nanny once a week and my little brother leaves once a month to buy food for his lizard. That’s all we do, but my parents are different. My mom has 20 different students come to our home each week for private instrument lessons (she did stop for like a month and a half at the beginning of the pandemic), with both parties wearing masks, washing hands when they come in, and sanitizing doorknobs and instruments in between each student (not good but could be worse). My stepdad has not changed his work routine in the slightest and goes in to work 5 sometimes 6 times a week. Most of his department (sales) works from home at least partially, but he claims he can’t because he has to do inventory (which is maybe 4 hours of his entire work week). He’s had 2 ‘scares’ and one test since the pandemic started because he was potentially exposed to the virus from his coworkers when they were in office, but everything was negative. He didn’t disrupt his work routine for this and still went into the office daily.

In addition to this current schedule of our work lives, each potential thanksgiving guest group has been over before during the pandemic. My brother and his girlfriend have visited twice from the next state over. They do not leave their house other than grocery runs and the visits to us. My step sister A has been over once or twice for dinner. My step brother has come over once a week+ since the start of the pandemic, despite having several ‘scares’ (he is a hypochondriac and also just dramatic. All of his tests have been negative). He still goes in to work every day and sees his friends. He claims he wears a mask during all of this socializing but I would be willing to bet serious money that that’s a load of bullshit. My stepsister B and her boyfriend have been over once or twice since the pandemic began as well, but we are pretty confident they make no health concious choices and know they do not wear masks the majority of the time. They claim they already had COVID (despite testing negative when they thought they were sick and ignoring the possibility they could get it more than once). And once during September we had all of the mentioned parties at our house for lunch. We were seated outside but still right next to each other. And at no point during any visits have either my siblings/step siblings worn masks, even when it was all 10 us in September.

So now the issue is, my brother wants to come see us for thanksgiving with his girlfriend. My mom has okayed this but stepdad doesn’t trust stepsister B and her partner so now wants to cancel any visits to make it ‘fair’. I want to see my brother and honestly don’t give a fuck about the step siblings. My stepdad has been trying to ‘convince’ us to tell him to cancel thanksgiving so he can do it without feeling bad, making it just the 4 of us in my household. He told us the state my brother is from ‘has gotten so bad they’re completely shutting down again’ which we (we being myself, my mom, and little brother) know isn’t true and that they’re being preemptive to combat any surges because of the holiday. Since he couldn’t convince us that way, next he brought up that cases are surging in my state with over 7,000 new ones yesterday, which while true, is misleading because those cases are mostly on the other side of the state from us. Our area is doing relatively well. Next he tried to say that even his boss cancelled his thanksgiving, but left out the fact that their holiday was going to have over 30 people there from all over, and has now been cut to just their household, which is not much smaller than our group. And In his final attempt to sway us, he said 2 of his coworkers just got it, but failed to mention that they were in a different department on the other side of the building that he’s had no contact with.

So after a week of him asking us and lying and making himself anxious, I explained to him that I still wanted to see my brother and failed to see how he was going to tell him he couldn’t come. To me, my stepdads not taking the appropriate precautions because he still goes in to work when he doesn’t have to and wears a mask everywhere but his desk, yet has still been exposed now 3 times. More than that, he’s had each member of the family over separately, AND EVEN ONCE ALL TOGETHER. If he was really that worried he wouldn’t have done any of those things. I didn’t really have a say in any of the other visits, but he asked how I felt about this one and I was honest. We’ve already done it, and if he doesn’t want his kids there at thanksgiving bc he doesn’t trust them, then he shouldn’t punish my brother for that and he needs to work it out himself.

Well, apparently he felt like I was making fun of him and making him out to be over reacting (which I think he is but whatever) and that hurt his feelings. So my mom came down to my room to condescend to me and tell me. I don’t think I was rude, sarcastic, angry, or mean in anyway. I was just being honest about how I felt and why, and I relayed it respectfully (not it like a tone or anything). I told my mom I didn’t understand why he accused me of making fun of him, and, get this, this woman said to me “well those are his feelings. You hurt his feelings”. Like, ARE YOU KIDDING?

So basically this was just a novel length explanation to why I’m now boiling with rage. I really need to know if I’m right and she actually is being pretty fucked up, or maybe am I over reacting? I honestly can’t tell, all I know is I’m offended and upset with her for treating me like this.

Also, I don’t think I was mean to my step dad at all. Does it sound like I was? Do I need to apologize or something? My mom is so passive agessive and she’s the only one who raised me so I genuinely do not know or recognize anything below absurdly mean and horrendous behaviors.

If anyone can offer some insight/clarity to this situation from an outside perspective that would be fantastic. And any tips for surviving until I get a job and can move out (other than killing myself :) ) would be greatly appreciated.

Tldr; I hate my parents and want outie

#personal

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levidalevida · 3 years

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✨get to know me tag game ✨

Thank you for the tag, you magnificent human @leo-probably 💜

I’m tagging @treefrog203 , @iwannabeyourhoney , @whattadragg + anyone else that would like to do this :’)

What do you prefer to be called name-wise? I’m ok w both Lex & Lexi !

When is your birthday? August 7th

Where do you live? Canada 🇨🇦

Three things you are doing right now: not including my lil tumblr break; watching s4 of haikyuu, smoking weed, eating chips ✨health✨

Four fandoms that have piqued your interest? 1. Haikyuu! hence why I’ve gotten so hooked and am trying to binge s4 so I can get on the manga asap 🥵 2. BNHA, most of my tl posts about it and I just really wanna watch it!! 3. Kinda been flakey w keeping up w AOT over the years, so since its back now w s4, I wanna binge the series & catch up heh

How has the pandemic been treating you? meme? meme.

A song you can't stop listening to right now? Comedown by Taska Black

How old are you? 22!

School, university, occupation, other? I graduated from college in 2018! Currently working in the fashion industry full time!

Do you prefer heat or cold? Cold for sure!

Name one fact others may not know about you: I used to play tennis when I was younger and competed in a youth tournament when I was like 12 (or 13 idr)

Are you shy? Mostly no! But it depends lol

Pronouns? She/her

Biggest pet peeves? Malicious, underhanded compliments that are in my opinion literally worse than insults. Also, people who feel the need to minimize your feelings, achievements to make themselves feel superior. Grinds my fucking gears LOOOL

What is your favorite "dere" type? o pls no, I don't even know how to answer this so I will just pass hahaha

Rate your life from 1-10, one being crappy and 10 being the best it could be: A 4-5? I would rate it lower, but I got a roof over my head and a job during a pandemic, so things defs could be worse for me.

What's your main blog? This is it!

List your side blogs and what they're used for: No side blogs haha, I used to run an edgy/indie/skater girl blog back in 2013-2014 (djflksdajkjes) but that's all done & deleted now hahahah

Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends? I’m the blah blah friend, I will not shut up and if you ever dare get my lightweight ass drunk at a karaoke I will be serenading you love songs from the early to mid 2000s, sorry

#tag game #this was pretty fun :)#lexis shit chat

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dxmedstudent · 4 years

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DX update

So you may remember that I’ve been self-isolating for COVID-19 type symptoms. I’ve been looking after confirmed patients (albeit the mildly affected ones who are wardable), so it’s pretty likely this is the real deal, even thuogh it’s too late to test me, now. I’m doing OK - this is not a scary Boris-style update. I just thought since I haven’t spoken much that I should let you all know that I’m doing OK. My symptoms are mostly better - the myalgia and headaches have mostly died down, though they were pretty annoying at their worst. I described it as feeling like an Ent - waking up in the afternoon was a pain because you just didn’t want to get out of bed if it made you feel sore and creaky. I only got up and about because I didn’t want a DVT. The abdominal symptoms are bearable but still nigglingly present. I can’t wait for my tummy to stop feeling achey and upset - but since I have IBS I’m used to that enough that it’s no biggie. I’m not feverish any more. I feel less SOB, though I only felt mildly so at times - like you’re a bit more out of puff than usual. The cough is mostly better, but sometimes it kicks off again pretty annoyingly. I’ve walked out of this without my sense of smell, but that’s likely to come back, eventually. If this is all I have to sacrifice during this pandemic, then I’m lucky. I feel generally less shitty - I was feeling pretty sorry for myself at the beginning of the week but I feel much more myself, now. I’m still probably really tired - I haven’t had a chance to test my stamina since I got ill because all I’m allowed to do is stay in my room. But I have a feeling that when I go back to work I’m going to feel really wiped. What’s it like having likely coronavirus? In my case, like the flu. Shitty, but not life-threateningly so. And yet, the thing they don’t warn you about is how it’ll play on your mind - knowing that you might be one of the unlucky ones to get really sick. And knowing that you have to try your best not to infect anyone. One of my dear friends is also going through it, and the fear is real. The worst thing is that usually when you’re ill people want to come round and make you feel better, but when you’re likely to have coronavirus that’s usually the worst thing that can happen. Unfortunately, you still have all the same instincts to seek love and reassurance that you usually have when you are sick - so you know that you should stay alone, but you might still crave being taken care of, or at least kept company. Because the people we love make us feel better.

Review: 2/10 stars. I would not recommend getting coronavirus. 2 stars because it scores you a few days off work, but you have to stay at home and you’ll probably feel miserable. I’ve been trapped in a flat I’m not fond of (It’s OK but not exactly home) for a week, even though the weather is nice and I’d love to go outside. Though fortunately I’m very well supplied with food and medicine and entertainment. I’ve been talking daily with family, the Guy and my friends, all of whom have done their best to entertain me and make me take care of myself. I’ve been sleeping a lot. A lot. I haven’t really had the energy to do anything but sleep and play games, TBH. When I’ve dragged myself out of bed to video chat with loved ones or take part in activities like playing games, or a virtual pub quiz with his friends, I’ve recuperated by zonking out the rest of the time. I might look quite functional at a distance, but that’s only because I’ve been sleeping almost all the rest of the time. My family call me every day to make sure I’m alive - they see the stories of nurses in their 30s suddenly dying, and it’s very real to them. I feel bad for them - if it was my kid sick with coronavirus I’d probably be scared, too. But I can’t do anything to take the worries away, when none of us know what the long term sequelae might be. I am glad they didn’t tell my relatives until I was much better - I really don’t want my entire extended social circle to think I’m dying, and there’s really no need for everyone to stress over me. My siblings have been encouraging my Animal Crossing obsession. It’s not th only game I’ve been playing in isolation, but it’s something that’s been easy to play even when I feel pretty rotten. It happened to come out at just the right time to make me feel better, and that’s pretty lucky. My friends check in every day - they reminded me that I won our sweepstake on ‘who catches coronavirus first’ - sadly there is no prize unless you count myalgia as a win. We spend the days sharing useful information about coronavirus, but also just trying to keep each other sane. Another of my friends is sick, and she seems to have gone down a bit worse than I have, so I hope she gets well soon. Colleagues are going down in their droves, according to our sickness reporting group, but I don’t know how unwell most of them are. I hope they are doing OK. I haven’t managed to catch up with everyone I care about yet, because messaging gets kind of overwhelming when you don’t feel great. I worry about a lot of people, but I can’t keep up with everyone right now, so I’ve had to take my time and conserve my energy. Still, I’ve been checking in with as many friends as I can, and so far almost everyone is doing OK. I’m hoping to keep connected with as many of them as I can, and already planning things to do with them. The Guy checks up on how I’m feeling daily. He’s much more zen about things, and his approach is always “If I can’t change it, I should try not to stress about it”. Which means he took our separation better than me, at least when I was feeling sick. I think that’s partly because whilst he hopes this may be over shortly, I know it’s going to be a long haul. Though he does have to tell me to take it easy and look after myself every day so I guess he’s not stress free XD I know this must be stressful for him, too but he can’t change the risks I’m facing. That said, he’s more the quiet, practical sort, anyway. So rather than moping, he suggests playing games or watching things together and invites me to whatever he’s doing with his friends - he did before, whenever I was around, but now that everything’s online it’s easier to be there. Now that his friends have transferred to roll20 under the lockdown, he’s invited me to join their DnD campaign because he knows how much I miss DnD - and him. It’s funny how little things can make a big difference, when they are all you have to look forward to. I haven’t been looking forward to my days off, at all because I no longer had stuff to do - but he and I try to book activities on weekend days so it still feels special. My friends are a lot busier than his (because medics) so we haven’t done as much though we talk often, but I’m grateful that his friends have basically adopted me. As a left over from my friendless days I always feel a bit awkward joining a group or making friends but they’ve been very welcoming and that makes me happy because I know it makes him happy. At first I felt like an impostor in all their group chats (guys, have you arrived in a relationship when you’re in nearly all the group chats? I’m pretty sure that’s a milestone or something), but I’m gradually accepting that they genuinely don’t mind me being there. Which is nice. They mean a lot to him, so I respect them and want to be a good friend, and I genuinely like them too.

I’m looking forward to going back to work. I’m not sure I’m 100% over this - I’m fine from a rules point of view, I’m just not 100% better. But I have to try and see how I get on. I need to be occupied and useful, because otherwise I’m just going to stress and sleep all day and feel mildly guilty about being sick. Which I’ve been told I should not be feeling, but there it is. We’ll see how things go.

#personal #covid-19 journal

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dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram · 4 years

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(1) Hi Ralph. I’m almost done with undergrad, but during the lockdown I’ve been obsessed with checking the social medias of people I went to high school with and they are doing all the things I’m afraid of: driving, working, moving out, getting married, having kids, having cool hobbies, doing really tough majors, trying new things. I’m so ashamed of myself. I don’t really do anything and I avoid all my fears. I live an isolated life and I don’t really have any hobbies.

(2) Talking to people makes nervous and I’m afraid to drive so I rarely go anywhere, even before COVID. I’ve always been afraid of interviews, but it’s worse because of COVID because I fear that it’s going to be much harder to get a job now, especially bc I’m just a sociology major. I’ve always kind of felt this way but social media and covid have made it worse. I’m really starting to hate myself. I feel like I have nothing to be proud of. What do you do when everything about you feels wrong?

******************

Oh anon - I’m so sorry. It’s so hard being a person at this time. Everything you’re going through is a sign that you’re a person in the world during a pandemic under capitalism. The system is the problem and not you.

I’ve got a couple of things that help me - they may or may not help the world is a really hard and difficult place. And figuring out how to be in it is a life long project.

The first is try to avoid emotional escalation. It can be very easy to get depressed that you’re depressed, anxious that you’re anxious and sad that you’re sad (and so on). It’s OK that you feel the way that you do in a pandemic - you’re doing amazing - it’s not a sign that there’s anything wrong with you. I try and tell myself it’s OK: ‘it’s OK that I’m anxious’. ‘It’s OK that I’m depressed’. Conciously giving yourself an alternative to the idea that it’ll be like this forever is a way of countering that esculation.

The second is try and limit your use of social media. I know that this is an easier said than done thing. The key is to figure out what works for you as a way of limiting your exposure to social media that messes with your head. I remove myself from the site when I’m feeling crappy. So I don’t have twitter or faebook apps, and I log out of them from my browser. Someone else I knew just hid everyone from her facebook page the second they posted something that made her feel bad. She ended up seeing like two people. You won’t necessarily figure out how to limit your social media intake straight away - but giving it a try is really important.

The third is mental health care. Does the place where you are studying have counselling? I know there’s a pandemic on which can make it hard, but having someone you can talk to can make a difference. Lots of colleges/universities do have free counselling (which is why I recommend it - under a lot of other circumstances getting access to counselling is way too hard when someone is fucked up).

The fourth is see if you can make a hobby something doable. Don’t think of hobbies in the abstract as something you would like to do. Think about something you would enjoy doing and figure out a first step that isn’t that hard. Want to learn to knit? Order some knitting needles and yarn on line (I don’t really have cool hobbies - I have my tumblr, political activism, and knitting - so my idea of what a good starting point is a little skewed). Things that you are anxious about become much more doable if you break them down into tiny steps (first step - figure out what you want to do. Second step - figure out how to break it down into small steps. Maybe set a goal of one step a week and once you do those steps it’s a huge achievement and you should celebrate yourself).

You’re so young - and you’ve got your whole life ahead of you to learn how to do things that are scary for you now. Learning how to be in this world really is a proess and it’s absolutely OK that you don’t know to do it all now.

When I was in undergrad I had no idea how I’d ever get a job, I was afraid to drive, I had huge social anxiety. The process of applying for a job has at times made me so anxious that I’m distressed from the moment I start, until I submit send.

Over hte years I have cried heaps about how there was obviously something wrong with me and how terrible I was. And I’ve also slowly, found them easier to navigate with time, by doing things that scared me in small steps sometimes, and by trying to tell myself that I’m OK the way they are.

I haven’t arrived in any end point. A lot of these things are still really hard for me. I still have to remind myself that it’s OK that I have feelings and to break things into small pieces. And it would probably be a good idea to make a zoom appointment with my New Zealand counsellor, but I haven’t. It’s not that you get to a point where none of your problems exist, but you learn ways of being in a difficult world that can make things better for you.

So much love anon. I promise you that you’re doing amazing under very difficult circumstances.

#You're doing amazing anon #so is everyoe reading this #Anonymous

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deadbetty · 3 years

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Alex Salcido is a bird.

Singer/songwriter Alex Salcido is best known as one half of indie-folk-rock group The Harmed Brothers. In what many call "the Before Times," he spent the last ten years zigzagging the country and across the pond with friend and songwriting partner Ray Vietti, along with a rotating cast of players. In the time between that, he occasionally took to recording heartfelt yet shoddily crafted bedroom records under the name "Gobloots." With the great pandemic forcing The Harmed Brothers into an indefinite hiatus, along with the feeling of his solo moniker growing stale, Salcido finally had time to sit down and stew in his existential dooms and curiosities. He also began going to therapy. He also finally had enough time under his belt to sit down and write and record a full album on his own, for the first time under his own name. "I'm A Bird," released February 16, 2021, follows Salcido trying to reconnect with everything about his past for better or worse. From his Los Angeles roots, his parents, to beloved Oregon towns that helped him find his voice, "I'm A Bird" is about recognizing the awful and unfortunate while holding on to the good parts of everything. It is a tribute to friends lost along the way, as well as the important people, characters and places that made him who he is, for better or worse.

Firstly, please explain “bedroom records” in laypeople terms:

I believe there are a few ways to understand a bedroom record. I think, 1: It is any record created intimately in one's bedroom; 2: it is any record someone may enjoy intimately in their bedroom, or 3: it is any record that makes you feel cozy and safe, as one would be in their own bedroom.

Tell me about music in your early childhood, what instrument did you learn first, did you come from a musical family, etc

There's a handful of artsy folks in my clan, but I'm one of the only ones that plays music. My adventure as a musician began in middle school. I picked up harmonica first, when I was in 6th grade. I had a short lived Blues Traveler phase. I got heavily into Dave Matthews Band, which at 11-12 years old, makes you the coolest kid in school (insert sarcasm here) - but once my dad noticed I started air guitaring a bunch to the MTV, he eventually bought me a couple guitars, ranging from garage sale to pawn shop in their quality.

How did you and Ray first meet, and where did the name “The Harmed Brothers” originate, (or the story behind it?)

Ray and I first met in the lovely small town of Cottage Grove, Oregon on my birthday, while he was on tour with the first incarnation of The Harmed Brothers. He and our dear friend Billy had come up with the name awhile before our meeting. Just a couple of friends in heartbroken solidarity.

I first met you at The Whispering Beard Folk Festival in 2016, and The Harmed Brothers were inducted into the WBFF Hall of Fame in 2019 in the “Before Times” - how did you originally get connected to the fellas from Cincinnati?

Ever since we were picked up by the Beardos for the 2013 Whispering Beard, we instantly felt a connection to this place and felt like we lived here all our lives. The love and support of the Beardo Brass, as well as the incredible community of fans and artists kept us coming back and eventually led to us calling this place home.

As you just mentioned, Cincinnati made such an impression on you that you decided to move here a couple years back. How do you compare it with your time in Oregon?

I think I really underestimated this place when we first started playing around here. I had no idea nor imagined that this city and area would be such a great place to be an artist. This place has made us feel like we can thrive as songwriters and performers. There's a strong connection between the artist and the audience. Along with Portland, Oregon it's one of the very few places where we felt like an actual part of the scene, and a part of a wonderful tribe of artists and art-lovers.

How do you feel therapy has intermingled with your music? Did the writing and producing of “I’m a Bird” come before or during?

Once I actually began taking therapy more seriously, I began being okay with putting more of myself into my songs. I tend to hide behind characters a lot - I make them act out my variations on thoughts and memories - this time around, I'm learning how to own them. I started writing and recording, thinking I would churn it out within a month or so, as The Harmed Brothers were due for a very busy year. Then the pandemic struck and all of our lives shifted into this weird alternate reality, so for the first time in over a decade, I'd suddenly had all this time now, mind you under horrible circumstances. But I decided to really take my time with it and employ a little more patience than I'm used to. I still have a long way to go, but I was able to let this record really take shape and I was able to have fun with it, despite the sad parts. I started writing songs about people and places in my life that really mattered and still do to a certain extent. Eventually, a lot of 2020 got to me and I ventured back into therapy, and that's helped a tremendous deal along the way. It morphed into so many different things along the way, while I began sorting out my issues. It became a record about my parents, then it became about Los Angeles, then Oregon, and all the failed friendships and relationships along the way, all the people you couldn't say goodbye to, and then all of those things together. It really became a record about forgiveness, about forgiving yourself and your past. It's about cherishing the good parts of what and who made you - letting the bad parts free to exist somewhere else without you.

With the pandemic screwing up financial lives of musicians everywhere, it has taken a lot of creativity and hustle to keep things going. Besides this solo album coming out, would you like to tell us what else you have coming up?

Eventually in the coming months, I'll be returning to live streaming, hopefully in some way that keeps me off of Facebook. As soon as the pandemic hit, and live streaming began, I hit it hard - to the point of completely burning out.

As fun as it can be, there is something to be said about the psychological effect of constantly singing into your phone or computer to a digital crowd - a crowd you can't see or hear, or really feel - on a weekly basis. I want to return to performing in a way that's both safe, fun and entertaining.

As of February 22nd, I'll be reopening my Memorial Highway Song Shop, where you can commission me to write you a song about whatever you want. Folks are free to email me at [email protected] to inquire about the menu.

On top of that, I'll be putting out a series of "I'm A Bird" companion releases as soon as humanly possible. These will include a full acoustic version of the record, as well as an instrumental experiment, consisting of remixes and reprises.

Where did you record “I’m a Bird”?

I recorded and mixed the whole thing by myself, right here at home in Northside Cincinnati. It's been a fun, enlightening and frustrating process.

If you had to choose one song on the new album that speaks the loudest of where you are in your life, which one would you choose?

I would say "Scratch Paper" probably speaks the loudest, in that I address that there's a lot of things that are out of my control, and I really need to stop letting them control me. A lot of which is sort of a running theme of the record - the spectre of death, the march of time, the dreads of the past. There's a place in all of us where all those things live - and it's ok that that place exists - but we mustn't live there ourselves. The mantras and slogans of "Scratch Paper" are "working out the answers," and "don't let it hurt ." For all it's dread, it's one of the more positive songs I've ever written.

Specifics on where we can get the album:

Physical copies will be available by late Winter/early Spring, but until that day, it will be available at alexsalcido.bandcamp.com, as well as on Spotify, YouTube, and hopefully anywhere else you can find music.

#musician #music

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fistfullofspace · 4 years

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Well ok, I’m just over1 month post op now! My SP catheter came out yesterday, my void trials have been great, and overall I’m making daily progress.

Warning: I’m going to talk about being in a dark place and just how difficult some of this has been for me.

I woke up in the ICU, and even tho I had been warned that it would be a bit unsettling, it was much more than that. My surgery went 10 hours (rff phallo, v-nectomy, UL, scrotoplasty). It was dark still when I was taken into the OR, and it was after 11pm when I finally regained consciousness. I woke up to loud swishing noise, propped awkwardly on my sideish, in a dark room with piercing bright lights of various colors, and pain and nausea beyond anything I could have imagined. I was flat out terrified and totally shook and 100% miserable. I was so disoriented, I had no idea where my call button was, nor that there was already something in my hand. I wanted to let a nurse know that I was awake and in pain, but all I could do was whisper “help...help”. Before long my nurse came in and I was able to tell her I was in pain, to which she informed me that I had my pain medicine button in my hand. I was so disoriented I couldn’t realize that on my own. She also showed me the call button, laying right next to my hand. When I’ve woken up from previous surgeries, I was lucky to have my partner there holding my hand and letting me know that I’m ok. This time was the opposite of reassuring. The nurse was fine, but she definitely wasn’t warm or comforting. One of the many hells of surgery during a pandemic. From there, I tried to be excited for my new member that I had wanted so very much, but I was so sick from the narcotics and anesthesia that it was hard to feel good in any way about anything. Many times over the next 5 days I wished there was some way I could undo it all. I would have gladly gone back into surgery if it meant that I would come out feeling like I did before I had it all done. It’s probably important to know that I am very sensitive to narcotics and anesthesia and they make me extremely sick. Most folks don’t have quite that terrible of a time with those. It’s impossible to know if I would have felt more positive about things if I was so crazy sick. I have to imagine so. Sleeping was only in short spurts, and was a fit of nightmares and anxiety dreams. Which makes sense for me because that’s what happens when I have a stomach flu, but this was 100 times worse. I honestly wanted to be dead. I couldn’t handle what I had chosen to do to myself. On the 4th day, I got out of bed for the first time, and moved to a chair to sit up. I actually did really well and got much praise from the nurses. Then the next day, my discharge was dependent on my ability to walk around. I also did extremely well with that and then did everything in my power to be discharged ASAP. I live 45 minutes from the hospital, and I was worried about the ride; but as soon as I got into the truck and Passionate Kisses by Mary Chapin Carpenter came on the stereo, I started to feel like a real human again for the first time since the morning I went into surgery. Everyday since I’ve been home has been a little better than the last. I’m lucky that my body tends to heal really well and relatively quickly. That’s not to say that this shit hasn’t been crazy hard even still, because it has. Sleeping is still difficult and I spend between 2-4 hours laying awake in the middle of the night every night. I have to fight feeling more like a monster than the complete human I’d always seen in my head, which is scary and disconcerting, on top of disappointing. But I’m also mindful that I had a fair amount of difficulty with my top surgery too, and once I was fully healed I did get the swell of gender euphoria I had hoped for. So I have every reason to believe that will happen this time around too. I’m so insanely sensitive that I have a hard time while I’m feeling unwell and medicalized. So for now, my job is to heal, stay positive and have faith that my excitement and euphoria will come. I have good reason to believe it will. So, I’m writing this because in all my obsessive research leading up to my surgery, I never read any personal accounts like what I’m going through and what I’ve experienced. But I’m confident that my time is coming.

#ftm phallo #ftm phalloplasty #phalloplasty

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letterstothemidnightsociety · 4 years

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It’s week three of my Global-Pandemic-Induced decision to rewatch all of Supernatural, and so I’m still attempting to make this watch more productive than the last show that I binged.

So I’m on disc two now - that’s episodes 5 - 8 for those of you watching on Netflix. By the time we get to this disc, we know the basic formula for Supernatural as a series - Two Hunks + Fighting Evil to the Power of Acceptable Levels of Gore x Missing Dad = Ratings Gold. Or at the very least, good enough ratings that we’ll give you a season (or fourteen). And then...well...then.

Episode five is “Bloody Mary”, easily the scariest episode of this first season and, based on the nose dive that the formula takes after season 1, probably the entire series. Maybe it’s that the Bloody Mary legend was one that really got me as a kid, maybe it’s just that I don’t do so hot with ghosts, but guys this episode still made me turn on all the lights and avoid all my mirrors. I accidentally turned this episode on at 9pm and regretted it immediately. I walked away at one point to go clean my kitchen to strategically miss some of the spookier points and I walked back in during an even spookier point. I was mad that there were no commercials at the commercial break cut-to-black! The first time I watched this episode, I’m pretty sure I watched it through my fingers. This most recent viewing, I ALSO watched it through my fingers. Guys, THIS EPISODE.

I will say it a-hecking-gain: This episode scared the SHIT out of me.

AND THEN, THEN! Then this show has the gall to go ahead and drop a major season/character plot point right there in the middle of all this content that I am actively trying not to look at: SURPRISE! Sam has premonition powers and sorta kinda knew that his girlfriend was gonna die a terrible death weeks before she dies. Because sure, why not?

Ohmiglob the DRAMA.

I’m gonna take a moment to say that, yes, technically this piece of plot gets dropped within our first six episodes, so we can still safely say that, you know, they’re still setting up the story for the rest of the series. It’s not like a sudden twist they drop half way through the season, it’s being laid down as ground work. And I know that this turns out to be a MAJOR issue for the next four seasons at least, but can I just say: Kripke, you’re really throwing a lot at us. I mean, OK. here’s what we’ve got -

The Winchester’s lost their mom at a young age to some evil thing. Cool, got it.

THEN they have daddy issues with C-minus Single Dad John Winchester. Alright, that seems logical.

The brothers hunt bad guys looking for the thing that killed their mom. Ok still on board.

There’s family drama, relatable.

Dad’s gone missing and we gotta find, ok ok ok.

Also Sam’s girlfriend dies in a fire, alright, so we’re looking for that thing now too.

OH! And now Sam has magic powers.

I mean, it’s a lot, right? We got a lot of layers here. That’s all I’m sayin.

So “Bloody Mary”, right? Big episode, big bad guy, they kinda loophole their way into defeating her but I’m not mad. Big reveal at the end, so kind of an important lore episode. And then...well...then we get the following episodes:

“Skinwalker” - gross-out fx, establishes Dean as a lonely asshole with a lot of APB’s out on him

“The Hook Man” - takes the Urban Legend angle of the show and dials it up to 11

“Bugs” - Does what it says on the tin.

Now to be fair: all three of these episodes have at least ONE shining moment that reveals a little more about the characters we’re working with, and that character development plays out in important ways in the rest of the season/series. But all three of them are arguably---

FILLER EPISODES-ODES-ODES-ODESSssssssss.

Alright, maybe that’s unkind. Maybe we should call them standalones or self-contained. A Filler is an episode designed to “fill out” your season. It doesn’t necessarily move the overarching story of the season forward, although it may contain some concepts or revelations that are important later. I’d argue that Supernatural has only ever had two kinds of episodes - Series Arc and Filler. Not that that’s a bad thing - I like a filler episode now and again. Depending on how heavy your season gets (and by all accounts Supernatural gets pretty heavy), they can be a nice breath of fresh air - also known as a Breather Episode. Or they can be just for fun. I’mma reference “Once More with Feeling” again because sure, why not throw in a musical episode in season 6 of a show about vampire slaying, that’s fine. I wanna reference something from Community here too, but honestly anything after season 2 could probably be called filler or self contained, so who even knows. I’ll point at the Voltron episode where they spend a day in the mall to gather some unobtainium for the ship and wacky shenanigans ensue. Point being, they can be times to break the mold and experiment and have fun with what you’re writing. Or they can be ridiculous nonsense. Mileage may vary.

The crazy thing about these episodes is that they most closely resemble what Kripke intended the show to be in the first place. Kripke wanted a show that revolved around characters investigating American urban legends. What is more quintessentially urban legend than Bloody Mary, the Hook Man and curses from ancient Native American burial grounds? These were stories that I as the viewer was already sort of familiar with because I’d heard of all of them before. What I appreciated, specifically about the Bloody Mary episode, was that they a) acknowledge the fact that these are Urban Legends (capital letters and all) and then b) acknowledge that the legends vary wildly so a part of their job is figuring out what is true and what is rumor. I guess you could also call that a cop out but when I was a kid, I was told that Bloody Mary was the ghost of Queen Mary of England who was sister to Elizabeth I and was also violently anti-protestant. WHERE did I get this story? I have no idea. But I also have no idea where Sam got the “mutilated bride” story from either.

In an old article I found circa season 2, Kripke actually talks about preferring standalone content to mythology/lore episodes in television. Both as a creator and as a viewer, he wants a show where people can jump in at any time and “join the party” wherever they are. That’s the beauty of procedurals - you don’t need to start from the beginning to enjoy them.

But what really got me personally hooked on the show was the mythology, was the season long arc to find John Winchester and whatever killed their mom. Those mythos episodes were where the meat of the show was for me - it usually involved a lot of feelings and a lot of character development which is still mostly my jam. If I’m obsessively watching a show, it’s because I’m connected to the characters and watching them struggle through the challenges in their path, not because I want to see what monster they kill next.

And again, I’ll reiterate that each of these episodes contains an important nugget of character. In “Bloody Mary”, easily the least likely to be called Filler, we find out that Sam has weird magic powers that are the real source of his guilt over Jessica’s death.

In “Skin”, we find out a lot about Dean’s inner landscape from the DopppleDeaner, who reveals that Dean is probably most afraid of people leaving him (be still my 19-year-old heart).

Wasn’t mad about this bit...

Coulda done without this bit tho...

In “Hookman”...alright, you kinda got me on “Hookman”, but we do get the first appearance of the rocksalt shotgun and Sam talks with a girl about her dad issues which is really Sam talking about his own dad issues in the language of tv shows. Also, he maybe starts to move on from Jessica???? It’s unclear, and also a little weird but I guess he’s only 22 and that’s not that far off from 18/19.

Really, WB?? Sneaking into sorority houses?

And then in “Bugs”, yes, even in “Bugs”, we get juicy little bit of tension between the brothers as they advise some teen boy about family dynamics. The fight shows a lot about what each character feels about their own experiences growing up the way they did, how they manage the expectations from their own father, and how they believe those family dynamics should exist. I mean I guess you could also argue this is the episode that plants the seed for Wincest, but I don’t really want to go there, let’s not talk about it.

This kid’s like, “This is...not a conversation about me and MY dad, is it?”

So they could be worse. I mean the last two definitely aren’t great, and we’ll see how they measure up to the Monster Truck episode later in the season, but they’re not bad episodes.

So let’s flash forward to Now again - have we seen the end of Filler Episodes?

As I have mentioned in previous posts and will probably continue mentioning in future posts, the 22 episode season is not the norm anymore. A lot of articles I’ve read point to Breaking Bad as the first American show to really break that mold. Breaking Bad released only 7 episodes in it’s first season in 2007. When you’ve cut your story down that much, there’s no room for filler - you’re basically producing a 7 hour movie.

Now notice I said American TV show. I’m pretty sure for most of the rest of the world, 22 episodes is way outside the norm, but really I can only speak to UK TV. Seasons in the UK do not last as long as seasons in America. Doctor Who, one of, if not the, longest running show on BBC, aired its first season with 42 episodes, which is mind boggling. But since the series revived in 2005, it hasn’t had more than 13 episodes in a season. Spooks/MI5 never had more than 10 episodes. The IT Crowd only aired 6 episodes per season. Broadchurch had only 8. And because I must complete the Superwholock trifecta, Sherlock seasons were only 3 episodes a piece. These are the shows that spring to mind while I’m writing this, but you get the idea.

So why does American broadcast TV have such long seasons? Well, the answer is: moneymoneymoney.

We live in an age of “prestige” TV. Some throw around “Golden Era”, but there’s been like, a Golden Era of television every 10 years since tv’s became household commodities, so that phrase basically means nothing. TV today is more similar to long-form film making than it was a decade ago. We associate terms like “film” with other terms like “art”, and sometimes we forget that television is, and always was, a business. It’s a business that’s making a lot of money entertaining you for hours on end, but a business nonetheless. I’d argue that it doesn’t mean it’s not art, but I don’t think we can separate the art and entertainment value of tv from its actual monetary value.

Strategically, the 22-episode season was to get a show to a magical number of total episodes - 100. Once you hit the 100th episode, somewhere around season 5 (thanks math), then you can sell the show in syndicated reruns. This is also referred to as second-run syndication or off-network syndication. When a show is syndicated, that means the production company that produces the show can now sell the right to air episodes to other channels. Think channels like TBS or TNT or even USA Network - they don’t really dabble in producing their own content, they just repackage content from other networks to plug in to empty slots in their programming. And because these channels can air episodes 5 days a week, 365 days a year, that means the production company can actually make more money by selling the show in syndication than when they sold the show to the primary network. The more episodes you have in a season, the faster you get to syndication, and sometimes that means a show that’s on the brink of cancellation due to poor numbers may still get greenlit for another season or two if they’re closer to that magic 100th episode. For a show like Supernatural, that has a very procedural, not-super-heavy-mythos, structure, you can do very well in syndication. Just cuz another network agreed to air your show doesn’t mean they agreed to air it in order, so procedurals work better in syndication than your season-arc shows do. And that’s why we have episodes like Bugs, that have nothing to do with the overarching plot of the season and also phone in some questionable CGI.

Apparently they DID use real bugs to shoot this scene and everyone got bit to hell but the bugs didn’t show up good and they went with CG anyway?!?

But these days, you don’t have to hit 100 episodes. Sometimes only 80 episodes will do. Sometimes, you run a streaming site and you don’t have to worry about reruns at all because your revenue isn’t generated from air time or even ads, but from subscription prices. Honestly, when you think of it that way, it makes way more sense to greenlight shorter seasons so that you have the budget to buy more and more diverse shows that will appeal to a broader audience of viewers.

So if Supernatural was produced today, would we get these off-shoot, self-contained episodes that have little to do with the plot of finding Sam and Dean’s dad? It’s hard to say. Knowing what I do about Kripke’s original plans for the show and his thoughts on procedural standalone episodes in general, its possible that he’d still try for a traditional season aired on a traditional TV network. But in that same interview I quoted above, he also mentions that the only way to get into a show with a heavy mythos is to buy the DVDs. We don’t need DVDs anymore - we have Netflix. And Hulu and Prime and any number of other streaming services that pick up any show they can get just to have a larger library of content and attract new viewers. I think a good indicator of what Supernatural would look like if it aired today is Hulu’s Helstrom - a show about two siblings with a childhood marked by strange and terrible happenings, who spend the season trying to defeat an evil demon. This show is a Hulu original that dropped all 10 episodes on October 16, 2020, and damn if that doesn’t sound familiar. I told a friend, “it’s like Supernatural but more emotions.” (Her response was, MORE emotions?!?!?) And before you dive down the rabbit hole, the characters in Helstrom made their debut in a Marvel comic back in the 70’s, so you can just chalk it up to nothing new under the sun.

Big Mood, guys. Big Mood.

I’ll close this one by reiterating I don’t mind a filler episode. Some fillers can be weird and great and wonderful. I’d say “Tales of Ba Sing Se” (Avatar the Last Air Bender, Season 2) is a great example - with the possible exception of Appa, the vignettes presented in “Tales” are basically side quests that have nothing to do with the main quest of season 2 and only serve to develop characters. The stories are sweet and touching and also light and fun.

I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying! It’s ok, I’m also crying.

And the longer a show runs, the more likely you are to run into these fillers - episodes that take a break from the main action to bring something that’s new and out of the box and possibly/probably writers getting bored with the every-day formula of the show. I think season 1 of Supernatural does a decent job of balancing the two styles of episode so that neither gets boring. In fact, I’m pretty Supernatural was what taught me the difference between the two episode styles in the first place. And the first time around, I was hyped for those season arc episodes, because back in the late 2000’s, I hadn’t seen a lot of TV content like that. Now, 15 years on and mired in a sea of seasons that stick mainly to a season arc story with little to no room for breathing, I think that if all TV became nothing but season arc episodes...well, it’d get pretty boring.

#Supernatural #Supernatural Season 1 #Bloody Mary #Hookman #Bugs #Skin #Jensen Ackles #jared padalecki #kripke #helstrom #Filler episodes #TV #TV history #Supernatural Rewatch #CW #Sam #Dean #Winchesters

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