recently realized when i explain everything i think, say, and do as autistic and go "that's my autism." And that's not me saying "this is an autistic trait that can be found in the dsm-5 and most autistics feel this way" No, I'm saying "I'm autistic, and that's my brain structure and thinking pattern so everything I do is autistic because it's my brain doing it. And you need to understand autism to fully understand me, because my brain is autistic. Even if it appears as allistic to an outside observer." There is no baseline allisticness/neruotypicalness that has autistic traits sprinkled in, and those sprinkles are the autism, no, EVERYTHING in my AUTISTIC BRAIN is AUTISTIC. The DSM-5 gives the impression that "these" are the autism and when you do "these," you're performing the autism. This is why I struggled accepting being autistic at first even though I related so much and people pointed it out to me, cause it never felt like I was performing autism, that Those(tm) were the moments that autism suddenly turned on, because I had that thinking process ALL the time. so I never had strange moments where, like a werewolf, the autism suddenly took over and I was uncontrollably, outrageously autistic. But that's what I expected.

Because I was taught autism was a deficit, bad, not normal, made you incompetent, and unable to comprehend things. Like a traumatic brain injury where you can recognize you don't understand something but your brain's still too damaged to understand it. 

I thought I'd feel a difference from baseline allistic switching to autism. and I didnt and still don't, because ITS MY FUCKING BRAIN BRO. All the time is an autistic moment. ALL my thinking patterns are autistic, all of myself is autistic because that's my brain and life experience. The were-autism isn't taking over, it IS me.

Can I ask for a 🍉 in the ask game?

you may indeed!

*exhales* okay. this one's gonna be terrifying to elaborate on but here we go anyways.

there is no art without the artist and there is no artist without the art. they are, in a lot of cases but not all of them, one and the same. every detail you write into these little stories is probably revealing a small patch of your soul without your even realizing it.

this goes double for some of our longer works, for example- take twice., a story that was written during one of the worst times of our life. there was a situation with a guy, you know how it goes, and we literally threw ourself into working on it as an escape. that one's got a lot of themes of healing and how one mistake can cause horrible outcomes. actually now that i think about it a lot of our works deal with hope and healing. i guess it's a mirror

(btw whoever said that your teens are your golden years can die of a thousand tiny papercuts. i am NOT thriving and it is NOT my fault)

ashes is... a long and complex thing. it's faceted. it's messy. to be completely honest we absolutely hate some of the chapters we've posted. but it's been an exercise of honesty- both with ourself, and with our readers.

the characters in it, they fucked up SO bad. most of them are dealing with some serious shit. but there's still hope for them. (i'm not gonna lie, i finished chapter 7 and read back through it like "huh. if anyone ever thinks for half a second about us the author writing that in such staggering detail, we're toast")

there's a lot of projection. like a lot. i aint gonna say where but it's there. it's such a personal thing to be doing this for free and of your own will, both for your own good and others.

life is fuckin tough, and as writing is a reflection of life, the things expressed there will also be fuckin tough. i keep on, though because 1. if i ever stopped writing i would literally explode and 2. i've already promised myself to NEVER abandon a work. (breaks are allowed, though.) i have a commitment here both to the story ive started and to the readers

the shot of nate being stopped in his tracks seeing ted and trent talk is making me mental because we as an audience know that nate leaked ted's mental health to trent. nate wanted to be an anonymous source so he probably didn't piece together that ted knows what he did because ted hasn't really confronted nate about it and not many people know the full story of what went down so it hasn't spread around (the team just now know about the sign being torn in half). nate couldn't make amends for his accidental slight in not shaking ted's hand because he couldn't face the deeper hurt he has caused to the man he looked up to, who was one of the first to see his potential

Asriel Belacqua + his biggest weakness aka Marisa Coulter

I am very wary of concepts of being able to hear deities and other entities. Between how I was raised and being a system, it's just something that I struggle with the concepts of personally.

That said I have had experiences of "hearing" things from Loki and I am sort of learning to sus out his communication from things like system communication and those things.

Today I think is a fabulous example of that.

I have had two dreams in which Loki has made appearances in about as many weeks and I kind of knew there was something to these dreams because he was the only person in the dream that I could never fully see. He's been encouraging me to work on my intuition, so I just rolled on the assumption that that was him in my dreams just making himself known, just to let me know that he was there.

So these kinds of concepts have been on my mind lately and have brought up a lot of contemplation about where does caution end and fear begin. Now I am not at all afraid of Loki, I do have concerns about other things pretending to be him or just...y'know, ✨️ religious delusions✨️.

So that kind of sets the stage for what just happened today. I was piddling on tiktok and pouting about my painting that didn't go the way I wanted. When I remember I haven't eaten much today so I open the pantry and get the sense of "Hey, maybe have an apple".

Now I assumed this was Loki for a few reasons. 1) it wasn't "Let's have an apple" as it would have been in my own thoughts or system communication and 2) the video I was listening to was about him and that tends to catch his attention (2.5 I had been thinking about the aforementioned communication thing).

So I grab my apple and as I reach for the cutting board I get an image of the last time I had an apple with cinnamon and sugar, now this I did think was system communication. We have aphasia so images can be easier than words. And as I agree to cinnamon on my apple the video which is now talking about offerings to Loki mentions apples and cinnamon as some of his favorite things.

The snort and giggle I heard over my shoulder when I just came to a complete and total stop.

I also want to clarify, I like tajin or peanut butter on my apples. I never put the cinnamon sugar mix on my apples till someone (I thought in the system) asked to try it last week.

So anyway I think the reason things about clairaudience keeps coming up on my various fyps despite my scrolling is because Loki has been trying to get my attention.

hmmmm i guess i can let these out in the wild now

these are doodles i did the next day i watched that convo, while still having a bad stomachache, so they're more like vent art

idk if im the only one that took this thing extremely seriously, but it made me sad and it keeps making me sad the more i think about it

img that describes what the scene felt like to me

eaaughhhhh siblings are so hard to have sometimes.....

So i heard that the orv movie is real

wanted to draw borrower au stuff AND im obsessed with my totally real children so i drew them about it together

its telling that every discussion about 'gifted kids' focuses on the gt program's effects on adults and not. gifted kids

is it reaaally a shitty shift if the ER doctor doesnt snap at you?

When you met some really cool people at comic con but the first thing you managed to express was how short they are

< go through a nighttime routine and i'll tell you what kind of villain you are. >

chaotically evil

you do what you want, when you want, and without regard for the law. you keep yourself out of jail by keeping everyone around you off-balance. no one knows what you want, truly, or what you plan to do with all this power you've accumulated. your crimes range from "harmless" pranks to murder. anything for a good laugh, huh? you refuse to let anyone kill you, so you plan out your own disappearance. its a great spectacle - tickets are $10 dollars per person. some people speculate that you've died, but most know the truth. they all saw you escape through the back door.

Btw guys. I'm in my guyliner era now

Also I added way too many tags on this post hhhhh sorry girlboss </3

ok so! uh! normally this is the moment where id go "i have a normal amount of feelings about this movie [through tears]" but that actually isnt the case this time. guess i just didnt like it as much as all the other movies in the franchise

Oh lmao i reached tag limit