i feel like every decision i have to make atm is rock and a hard place devil and the deep blue sea and i cant fucking deal with it i can feel the wires fusing + cogs screeching to a halt. total mental shutdown

Whumptober2020 - Day 5

We’re right around the halfway point for the oof!au as of today! Life continues to be awful for Obi-Wan and the 212th. All general warnings still apply. Specific to today’s entry: strangulation (with the Force), torture, mistreatment of prisoners, brief mention of non-con, branding. Still jumping around with the prompts.

Oof!au basic information: Post-Order 66 Vader-Captures-Obi-Wan AU. Eventual happy(ish) ending. Past/eventual Codywan. One-sided Vaderwan.

No 24. YOU’RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE Forced Mutism | Blindfolded | Sensory Deprivation

Obi-Wan stared across at the wall in his cell for a long time, after the med-droids pulled him from the bacta. He had not thought while submerged in the tank. It had been a relief. All his memories were waiting for him as he came back to consciousness, every burning moment of them.

There was no way to pretend, even for a moment, that it had not happened. The brands across his back pulled each time he tried to move, remaining even after the bacta treatment. He could not see the marks well, not even with his arms free, as they were most of the time in his cell. He shuddered to think what Anakin had burned into his skin, what marks he would bear, for however long he remained alive.

He had known, when he antagonized Anakin, that the results were unlikely to be.... Pleasant. But he’d had no choice. Allowing Anakin to consider too long Padmé’s fate, the fate of his children…. It risked too much. The safety of the children first and foremost.

There was comfort in imagining Luke and Leia safe. Far away from the violence of their father. Obi-Wan would keep himself between them and the rage burning within Anakin, until it consumed him outright. He could keep Anakin distracted, keep his thoughts away from the children, from everyone who needed protection. Obi-Wan knew he could continue making Anakin angry. It had never been a difficult task, and it was significantly easier at the moment.

He closed his eyes and then opened them again, because there was nothing he wanted to see in the dark of his own mind. He’d been aware of Anakin’s….occasionally lustful thoughts for years, since even before Anakin had been Knighted. Anakin had watched him. Wanted him. But he’d never imagined Anakin would--

Well. There were so many things he’d never imagined Anakin would do. Forcing his way into Obi-Wan’s body was hardly the foulest of his actions of late. Compared to genocide, it barely counted, he thought, laughing alone in his empty, barren cell. The alternative was weeping, and he wouldn’t do that.

He knew well enough he was being monitored, ever and always.

It was strange, he considered, absently. He’d felt like a sleep-walker for years, living on Tatooine. He’d gone through the motions of living, a part of him stuck and held back on Mustafar, in that awful instant when he had turned and walked away from Anakin, all of his failures curdling in him.

Obi-Wan felt awake and like himself again, sitting in a cell, subjected to one hurt after another. He knew how to handle torture, knew only one way to deal with it, and it felt natural to fall back into sharp, ill-advised words, to goad his captor, controlling them without them ever realizing what he was doing, to feel almost… confident that he would escape.

He always had before, after all.

He needed to balance himself, if there was to be an escape. Needed to prepare for whatever Anakin intended to do to him next. Luke and Leia were depending upon him, after all. There was no way to reach out and touch the Force, no way to draw comfort from his connection to the universe. There’d not been much comfort there, of late, anyway.

He leaned his head against the wall, stared at nothing, and tried to focus on breathing exercises. He told himself, eventually, that he started to feel better.

#

Anakin left him alone, for days. Long enough that Obi-Wan suspected he’d been called away on some other mission, dancing to the whims of his Master. There was no way to adequately track the days in that featureless cell.

Troopers brought him food, sometimes. Well, they brought him nutrition, anyway, some kind of mush that was grey-ish brown in color, contained in a tube. One of them would hold his hair and jaw while the other forced it into his mouth, giving him no choice but to swallow or choke.

They always dragged his arms back and bound them, first, forcing him face-down against the cold floor, before pulling him upright once more, like he was little more than a sack of cargo.

“Delicious, as always,” he rasped, after they finished one day, specks of whatever the food was caught across his chin. It tasted vaguely of dirt and always set heavily in his stomach. They did not reply, they didn’t even look at him, his men who had been--

Been turned off, inside. Not even their expressions changed, as far as he ever saw. They were blank-eyed marionettes. Like droids, except droids had personality, even with a control bolt. 

Obi-Wan swallowed, his throat tight and pinched closed, wondering if all of the troopers had suffered the same fate; if they’d all been killed, for all that their bodies continued walking around. He’d grieved for his people, for the Jedi, after the genocide…

He hadn’t realized that he had the eradication of two entire peoples to mourn. “Alzo. Booster,” he said, because someone had to remember their names for them, had to remember who they had been, now that they’d had their identities taken away. He supposed he might be the last person in the galaxy who both could and would. “I’m so sorry. For what they did to you.”

Alzo didn’t turn or hesitate as he walked through the door. Obi-Wan thought Booster did, thought he froze, for just an instant, but… Well. He knew he was looking for shreds of hope, regardless of whether or not they actually existed. 

#

The troopers cared for his other physical needs on a sporadic basis. Sometimes they dragged in a hose and sprayed him down, the water icy cold and stinging across his skin. The pressure was so high that he had to turn his shoulders against it, but at least it cleaned him off.

Sometimes, they held him in place and shaved his face, uncareful with the razor. They did not trim his hair; it grew down over the tops of his ears, lower, shaggy. He doubted he’d recognize himself, without a beard and with such tangled hair, but that mattered little. There were no mirrors, in his little cage.

There was nothing at all to offer a distraction, just his healing wounds and the weight of wondering what Anakin had planned for him, next.

#

Obi-Wan felt almost certain weeks had passed by the time the troopers dragged him from his cell again. He’d gotten familiar with the walk through the halls of Anakin’s mountain fastness, to his throne room. He made absent conversation as they walked, the utter silence of his companions a weight in his chest.

They seemed to have grown used to his chatter. Or, at least, they no longer struck him for it. Perhaps Anakin had reprogrammed them.

Considering that option distracted him, if nothing else, from what he could guess was coming. Anakin waited already in the room for him, sitting on his throne, one leg crossed over the other, expression hidden behind his dark mask.

He was speaking to Cody, as Obi-Wan was dragged in, Cody standing there at attention before him, straight-backed and blank-faced and-- It was all wrong, all of it, even just catching the end of a conversation where Cody reported what had happened in Anakin’s absence. Obi-Wan wondered, fleetingly, if Anakin really left Cody in charge, if it were only another barb, meant to cut into Obi-Wan.

The...harness they’d chained Obi-Wan to last time remained where it was. It pulled at his attention, heavy as gravity. Obi-Wan fought to control his expression as Anakin stood and said, “Restrain him.”

“You don’t have to do this,” Obi-Wan said, speaking as Cody walked over to him, though he expected no answer. He fully anticipated that he would be ignored utterly, and so he was not disappointed as his arms and legs were dragged into position.

“Aren’t you going to tell me I don’t have to do this, either?” Anakin said, the mechanical sound of his voice still jarring and wrong. He’d stood and crossed the room, apparently, staying behind Obi-Wan’s back. 

“Would it do me any good?” Obi-Wan asked, as the wall-covering raised across the room, revealing the fires of Mustafar, so far below. The lava fell in the distance, leaving Obi-Wan feeling cold.

“No,” Anakin said, leather-covered fingers trailing across the top of Obi-Wan’s shoulder. “I’m no longer swayed by your lies.”

“I’m not the one lying,” Obi-Wan said, and Anakin snarled behind him, stepping away. Obi-Wan felt the heat when the furnace opened. He wondered how much of his skin Anakin intended to burn this time. He kept talking, because he knew no other way to be, “Successfully murder anyone for your new master?”

The pain was sudden and swift, directly over his spine, the metal so hot it felt almost cold as ice, at first, tendrils of agony spreading everywhere. “I protected the Empire,” Anakin snapped, leaning his weight against the brand, “I made people safer! Secure!”

The brand came off his skin, though it really changed nothing about the level of his pain. He listened to the metal clatter across stone, considering, bitterly, that once he would have hoped desperately for Anakin to find him, in this situation. Once, he would have held out hope that Anakin - above all others - would rescue him.

He said, around the bitterness in his throat, “Ah. The way you made our people safer?”

“The Jedi weren’t my people,” Anakin snarled back and - and the next burn was higher, still on his spine, a blaze of agony. “They were nothing but a corrupt cult. Religious fanatics who went power mad during the war. They were traitors--”

“Traitors to what?” Obi-Wan cut in, the lies pouring from Anakin’s mouth too much for him to take. He panted, twisting his wrists against the bonds, body shaking as Anakin pressed a fresh brand to his skin and it hurt, Force--

“To the Republic,” Anakin spat, and Obi-Wan laughed, shakily.

“Oh,” he gasped, his thoughts getting sharper with pain, “the Republic you destroyed? That Republic, or do you mean--”

“Shut up!” Anakin snarled, and made his point by curling tendrils of the Force around Obi-Wan’s throat, squeezing. Obi-Wan sipped at the air, unable to breathe deeply, feeling his pulse pounding against his skin, giving a strangled cry as Anakin burned him again, Force, he’d almost reached Obi-Wan’s neck--

“The Jedi betrayed the galaxy. They were dangerous. Self-centered. Even before the war, they - they only cared about themselves. But I saw through them, with the help of my new Master. And - and we stopped them. We gave the Jedi exactly what they deserved, Obi-Wan. Just like you’re getting what you deserve.”

He released his choking grip, finally, and Obi-Wan slumped, gulping at the air, smelling the burned char of his own flesh, shivering all over and unable to stop it. He’d gone into shock, he knew. There was no way to avoid it without the Force to draw on, the tell-tale signs of it a betrayal by his own body.

He thought how fortunate it was that he seemed to have set Anakin off on a speech, one that did not require further input from anyone else. “It was right, what I did,” Anakin was shouting, pacing, by the sound of his voice, no longer right at Obi-Wan’s back, “Necessary. And - and my success proves that the Jedi deserved it. The Force smiled upon me. Blessed my purpose. It was the will of the Force. Their - their death proves that.”

Something shifted in Obi-Wan, beyond the pain, beyond the numb horror of the past years. Something that had always been within him, a fierce little ball of whatever made up his soul, stirring his tongue, knowing it would drag Anakin’s attention back, knowing it would mean more pain…

“By your logic,” he panted, inhaling the smell of char and ruin, unable to stay silent while Anakin deluded himself even further, “I suppose that means what happened to your mother was the will of the Force.”

There was a moment of utter silence. Utter stillness. Obi-Wan’s mouth twitched up in one corner as he stared out into the falling lava, bracing with a jagged grin.

Anakin snarled, something low and deadly in his tone, “What did you just say?”

Obi-Wan wetted his bottom lip, unblinking, deliberate in each word he spoke. “I said: you must believe, then, that the successful murder of your mother proved that she deserved--”

Anakin made an awful sound, bestial, and something gripped around Obi-Wan’s throat, his mouth, the Force digging into bone and muscle. “Take it back!” Anakin roared, even as the shackles around Obi-Wan’s wrists tore open, pried apart with the Force.

Obi-Wan slumped, opening his mouth to refuse, but no sounds issued from his throat, Anakin’s grip only tightening, crushing things--

“I said: take it back!” Anakin snarled, grabbing his shoulder, jerking him around and the first blow caught Obi-Wan by surprise, spinning him and dropping him to the ground. Anakin followed, fingers in his hair, tilting his face up into another blow.

“How dare you!” Anakin spat, following one blow with another and Obi-Wan lost track, the impact of metal against flesh felt almost like it was happening to someone else, someone far away from him, Anakin’s continued demands that he apologize, that he recant everything, take back his lies, were barely even noticed.

He could not speak anyway. Anakin was… crushing things. In his throat. Tearing them to pieces. He could not make a sound, not as Anakin bodily lifted him, throwing him against the stockade, pressing him into the sharp edges of the metal, and all the pain blended together into one huge, twisting nightmare.

Eventually, the dark reached up and took him away, even while Anakin was still thrusting into him. 

Obi-Wan fell into the black and appreciated the relief.

#

Obi-Wan woke up in his cell, most of the hurts gone. For a moment, after waking, he considered that perhaps he’d only dreamed his last run-in with Anakin. But his throat hurt, still, strange and deep. He cleared it and tried to rasp out a “hello” to no one. He made no sound at all, and shuddered.

He did not bother trying to leverage himself up off of the floor. He lacked the energy for it.

He wondered, smelling bacta drying in his hair, why Anakin had simply not killed him.

He was still wondering when Tich and Sweeper brought his breakfast. Obi-Wan nodded at them, old habit, since he could not offer a proper greeting. They alternated his care, the men on the base. Obi-Wan believed there to be around three-dozen of them, but… Some had disappeared, since he’d been delivered.

He shuddered to think what had happened to them.

Tich and Sweeper shackled him and hauled him up, pushing his shoulders against the wall. He leaned against Tich’s hand, when Tich gripped his jaw, helpless to stop himself looking for some scrap of comfort, and Tich’s index finger tapped, blaster-fire fast, against his cheek.

He wanted to say: I tried to ask for help, but trying to speak at all was a fresh agony. He winced, used to the fingers in his hair by now, and said nothing. They wouldn’t have done anything, anyway, even if he’d been able to plead for assistance.

And so Obi-Wan just stared forward, waiting for whatever they were going to do to him next.

#

Days passed. Vader had him dragged in and dragged out, but seemed to grow irritated and distracted when he realized that Obi-Wan could not speak. It took… significant effort before Vader believed that Obi-Wan was not just refusing to make a sound. Once he did, Vader ordered the troopers to take him back to the medical bay, for repairs.

Obi-Wan laughed soundlessly as he was dragged along. He’d always assumed Anakin would be pleased to never have to listen to him again. There was something amusing, darkly, about Anakin’s drive to return his voice.

Perhaps it was only because he hadn’t yet heard Obi-Wan screaming.

Nor would he, even if Obi-Wan’s voice were returned. Those thoughts chased each other around Obi-Wan’s head as they got closer and closer to the medbay. He hung between Cody and Booster, too damaged to walk under his own power, his legs giving finally halfway down the hall.

And it was a surprise, strange and jarring, when Cody hesitated and then shifted, movements oddly fluid for how stiff he normally moved, and just… lifted him. Cody had carried him off of battlefields before, too many times.

He’d joked, towards the end of the war, that it was getting to be a habit.

Perhaps it had. Perhaps it was muscle memory, the way Cody just pulled him up. It certainly was habit that had Obi-Wan dropping his head onto Cody’s shoulder, taking comfort in the familiarity of the contact, his eyes burning, all at once.

He wept not in front of Anakin. Wouldn’t. But the tears streaked down his face, unheeded, as Cody carried him into the medbay, finger tapping erratically against Obi-Wan’s skin. And Obi-Wan wanted to tell him it was alright, that Obi-Wan would find a way to get them all free, but he had no voice, no way to speak the words into being.

Today, SCOTUS is hearing arguments about whether businesses should have to cover birth control for their employees in their health insurance plans and I just. It’s hard to read.

I was going to make up this big informational persuasive post about the situation. But I’m just. I’m just so sad and angry and tired. So I figured I’d make an emotional one instead.

Let me tell you about my hormonal birth control journey. 

(Rest under a cut for length and content. cw: mental illness, graphic discussion of medical issues, injuries, & menstruation, discussions of suicide & self-harm, discussion of opioids, alcohol, & recreational drug use.)

 I started taking hormonal birth control late in high school to help regulate “painful periods”. It wasn’t for actual birth control at that point and I hadn’t been diagnosed with any disease, not even POTS yet. I just had “painful periods”.

Things were okay for a little while, but when I got to college, things started to fall apart. The double whammy of undiagnosed mental illness and a barely-diagnosed chronic illness (POTS was relatively unknown at the time and my doctors gave me information which I now know is incorrect) really caused me to spiral during my first year of college. I didn’t know it yet, but I react very poorly to some forms of hormonal birth control. Put succinctly, they drive me batshit insane. On one pill, I literally did not leave my apartment for over a month. I became very literally agoraphobic. Bouncing off the walls, irritable, angry, high suicidal ideation. As bad as side effects can be.

But I didn’t know that yet. I just stopped taking BC as part of the whirlwind of medicines and doctors that my life became for about two years while I was on my (first) medical leave from college.

My ribs were coming out back then. I didn’t know that yet, either. I knew that when I was around 16, I started getting severe back pains. The first time it happened, I had to go to the ER because I couldn’t breathe and my teachers thought I was having a heart attack. I got a narcotic shot in my butt. It did nothing to dull the pain. That’s how much it hurt. But it went away on its own eventually and I over the years I started medicating reoccurrences with a lot of different things. Physical therapy. Muscle relaxers. (Medically prescribed) opiates that made me puke. Prescription strength Advil. Wine.

I didn’t see that it was all connected yet. Not yet. I didn’t realize, with my periods as irregular as they were, that the back pains were coming around the same time in my cycle each time.

My “painful periods” got worse. I talked to an OBGYN, with my mother in the room. I told her that I was scared of something like childbirth. I knew that my blood flow was dangerously bad. What if the fetus didn’t get enough blood? Oh, my doctor laughed, that wasn’t a problem. The fetus would always get enough blood. The risk was that I wouldn’t. That it, like the tiny vampire it was, would take it all until I simply died. If I got pregnant, I would likely die. I asked about permanent sterilization. My mother cried. My doctor said no. I didn’t ask again.

I went back on birth control.

It was odd. I didn’t want children before that visit, not really. I was so tired all the time. I knew I’d never be able to manage to raise a child — and honestly, I didn’t care to try. I was so depressed. I was so sick. It sounded like so much work. I still don’t want to have kids. But it still feels… weird, knowing that I can’t. And knowing that I could die if I get knocked up.

I’m bisexual, but I have zero sexual contact with men (because I don’t love them, despite being somewhat sexually attracted to them) and zero sexual contact with people with penises (because they could literally kill me and it would be no one’s fault). But I’ve been followed home by men before. I’ve had cabbies lock me in and ask me for a date. I’ve had men who won’t take no for an answer. And my god, it terrifies me that I might have to deal with both sexual assault and a slowly creeping murder all at once.

(It’s laughable to think he’d be tried for both.)

I ended up getting sick off birth control a few times. I went on and off it periodically during my college career. I now in retrospect see that a lot of my “meltdowns” were a combination of discrimination-based stress, physical breakdowns, and hormonal whirlwinds. At my worst times, I was on birth control. The wrong ones.

My periods, over time, got worse. My back would hurt. The cramps were unbelievable. I couldn’t feel my legs. I could feel them too much. I couldn’t keep food down. I’d be so angry, so sad, so everything.

I went to the doctor again. I was diagnosed with both endometriosis and PMDD. PMDD, or premenstrual dysphoria disorder, is like PMS on steroids. I remember telling my doctor, in halting tones, that I wasn’t well before my periods. That I always had depression, always had anxiety, but I wasn’t well before periods. At her prodding, I confessed that sometimes I would just lie there for hours, for days, in the fetal position. That I’d clutch at my own arms, mooring myself, because I knew that those white knuckles were the only thing between me and killing myself. That my brain, always somewhat malevolent, became an inescapable mantra of death. That I’d just lie there and sob because it took everything I had not to hurt myself. That I’d find claw marks, bruises, on my arms later, and all I could do was get some ice.

It was better than the alternative.

I told my doctor about how painful my periods had always been. How I’d heard a story once about, y’know, that Spartan boy? The one who hid a fox kit under his shirt during an examination and stayed perfectly silent even as it clawed at him so he wouldn’t be caught with it? How it tore at his stomach until he fell down dead, still silent? I told her how I felt like I was holding a fox kit every damn month and sometimes I couldn’t stand the pain of it. Sometimes I considered ending that pain, one way or another.

She put me back on birth control.

A little less than a year later, or in layman’s terms, about a year ago, my mental health was so bad again that I was almost committed. Literally committed. I had to go stay with my parents for a few months while I transitioned to new medications because it wasn’t safe for me to be alone. I learned that the birth control I was on could create those symptoms — but they didn’t start until months after you’d started taking it. So you didn’t realize it was the medicine. You just assumed you were crazy and unlikable and so, so angry. At the world, at your loved ones, but mostly at yourself.

I learned, around that time, that I also had Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. That the pain I felt every month right before my period wasn’t just cramps. It was my bones coming undone from their sockets. It was my hips dislocating. It was my ribs popping out of my spine. I realized that that lump my parents could feel in my back wasn’t a hard knot of tense muscles. It was my fucking rib poking out of my back. I learned that there is a period right before menstruation that mimics a period during pregnancy where your joints loosen — your body thinks it is preparing you for birth, for loosening your pelvic cavity so an entire head can pass through. For someone with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, that period of joint looseness was enough to wreak absolute havoc on a system of already-weakened joints.

I learned how to put my own ribs back in with a foam roller. I started drinking marijuana tea for the pain. I went on a different birth control. I stopped taking the placebo pills. I had to fully eradicate that entire portion of my cycle. Goodbye PMDD and ribs constantly popping out. I don’t miss you!

I am still on that pill, y’know. Every day I take it and wonder if I’m one step closer to the day when it inevitably destroys me. The last one took about a year. Tick tock.

Or maybe I finally found the one that works… I really just don’t know.

The fact of the matter is that I have a full handful of maladies that require birth control so I can function. PMDD, endometriosis, dangerous pregnancy, EDS. I need hormonal birth control. I would probably be dead by now without it. The PMDD especially was that bad. My internal organs are likely a scarred-up mess. But the birth control itself almost killed me, too. God, it was close.

Simply put, birth control is heaven and hell all wrapped up in a pill. It treats illnesses and it prevents pregnancy. In other words, it provides you with both freedom and peace of mind. It is absolutely essential. But it’s also monstrous. The sheer number of sometimes-deadly side effects that come with hormonal treatments is staggering. Which is why you need to be under a doctor’s careful eye when you’re on it. You need to be free to choose whichever brand you need. You need to be free to switch kinds at a moment’s notice. None of these things are possible in a system where these pills are not fully covered by insurance.

(And yes, I know, this is a stupidly American problem in so many ways. Obviously the ideal thing here would be single-payer for all medical procedures. But that’s not up for debate here and insurance for BC is. Because for some reason we let some people’s religious convictions determine others’ health care. But I digress.)

Please don’t worry too much for me. I have a good employer who has told me in no uncertain terms that I don’t need to worry about my healthcare coverage. But there are so many people just like me. Who may not have diagnoses yet. Who may have “problem bodies”. Who only know that they need to do something and that they might have to go through several pills to find it. Whose employers either have the strong religious belief that hormonal birth control is a sin or the strong religious belief that they want to pay as little as possible for their workers’ health care. (Call me cynical.)

Those are the people I worry about. Those are the people I feel absolutely sick over as I watch the SCOTUS argue whether we should be allowed to have life-saving medicine. The people who I know will fall through the cracks the second that the cracks are widened enough for them to do so. The people who will die.

It’s a tense time right now. It’s a tense time for very obvious reasons. But this morning I find myself to be even tenser, and my stomach hurts thinking about it. It feels like all I can do is stare at a pill packet and remember every horrible reason I need it and every horrible thing it’s done to me and I just.

It’s a lot.

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

The craziest people I know (don’t go to therapy)

Therapy... I have an appointment today actually. I’ve been going for the last ten years. I first started seeing the school psychologist, going to my YFS center (youth and family services). I started going more regularly after my father died which was perfect since I would go during my lunch period. I had nobody to sit with at lunch so it was a perfect excuse to go. I began receiving outside counseling in eleventh or twelfth grade, once a week. At this point I was a minor so my mom paid. Now as an adult, I am thankful my mom brought me and paid because I see how inconvenient it can be and how it adds up. Even though most therapists accept insurance, some don’t. Even with insurance you can be paying 65$ up every time which is usually once or twice a week. That being said, I truly believe the best and most important thing we can invest in is ourselves and therapy is worth it. Therapy is being brought into the open which I’m very happy with but still, there is a stigma attached to counseling. The first thought most people have when they hear you are in therapy is “what’s wrong with them? Are they mentally unstable? Or, why do they need therapy?” People associate receiving help as something wrong with you or you can’t handle yourself. This is simply not true. The most mentally sane (or emotionally healthy people) are in therapy, receiving help for their issues. This is because they are open minded and willing to admit their flaws. They are ready to be proactive and willing to better themselves. I firmly believe everyone should be in therapy. Therapy isn’t just a useful tool where you receive an honest, outside opinion from a professional, but a time to be truthful with yourself, reflect, and gain useful insight. It’s immensely helpful in learning emotional intelligence and how to deal with feelings. Sometimes, when I suggest therapy to people, they say “I don’t need it, I’m not crazy” and to be completely honest, these are the people who need therapy the most. They are close minded, in denial and not willing or ready to deal with their shit. We all have things we should be willing to face, change and improve in ourselves. It’s not just people who have a diagnosable mental health disorder or went through a trauma that should go to therapy. I also hear therapy is “paying someone to be your friend”. This makes me sad because yes, like any other service, therapy is a business; but people who enter the human services, social work or psychology field are generally empathic people who truly care and want to help you. “If I go to a therapist, does that mean I'm crazy, weak or a failure? What will others think? What if I'm seen coming out of that kind of office? Such concerns are quite natural given our socio-cultural conditioning. Unfortunately, as a result, many people decide not to pursue counseling despite experiencing significant emotional, physical or mental distress. Let's clarify a few things. Most people who initiate counseling do not have a serious mental illness. They have serious life challenges or are going through difficult life-cycle transitions that may be taxing their current ability to cope. This, in turn, may be adversely affecting their well-being and ability to function as well as they would like. Examples of serious life challenges can be dealing with chronic work-related stressors; career issues; financial problems; health issues or a recent health diagnosis; family or parent/child conflict; cultural assimilation; and academic issues. Examples of difficult life-cycle related transitions can be the death of a family member or friend; the ending of a romantic relationship or close friendship; family/couple changes related to the addition of a child; getting married or divorced; care giving for loved ones due to illness or disability; and decision-making challenges related to these life choices. These are just some of the reasons why people decide to go to counseling. So, if you are going through one or more of these challenges at the same time, you're not alone. The effects are often cumulative, which is generally referred to as a 'pile-up' of stressors. Counseling during these times can be quite helpful in providing both the support and skills to better address these life challenges. Ultimately, it is an invaluable investment in your emotional, physical and mental health, an act of courage not weakness, and a gift to those whose lives you touch. But what if you’re not in a moment of “disaster relief?” Surprisingly, the best time to start therapy may be when your life’s going relatively well. Despite the fact that more than 59 million Americans seek the services of a mental health care professional each year, there’s a stigma that therapy is only for people suffering a debilitating mental illness or going through a massive interpersonal issue. The benefits of therapy extend far beyond periods of crisis. Many people want more than to be ‘not depressed.’ They wonder what they can do to be the happiest, most productive, most loving version of themselves. Because achieving your full potential requires a heck of a lot of self-knowledge, self-control, and—let’s be honest—hard work, it’s best done when you’re not in freak-out mode. What’s more, if there’s an issue in your life that’s causing you distress, it’s better to deal with it sooner than later. Over time, minor difficulties can bloom into disasters that have you hitting the tissue box hard. But the earlier you go to therapy and engage in introspection, the better off you are in the long run. The benefit of seeing a mental health professional is that it’s literally their job to reserve judgment and guide you toward what’s best for you. Whatever your decision, keep in mind that people’s resistance to your pursuit of mental health typically comes from their own fears: If you’re in therapy, it must mean they should be too. Or if you’re in therapy, you’ll change in a way that makes you less willing to be friends (or romantic partners) with them. Therapy simply allows it to happen with less trauma. While therapy can help remove the wool from your eyes, it won’t create problems where there were none to begin with. If you (rationally) determine you’re not in the right place—career-wise, romance-wise, or otherwise—congratulations! You’ve just identified a buried source of suffering. And by clarifying the origin(s) of your distress, you’re that much closer to living an authentically happy life. The most common types of therapy include cognitive behavioral, psychodynamic, family, and group. Whether you’re looking for a quick(ish) fix to a bad habit, anxiety issue, or phobia, or you’re just interested in some serious soul-searching (“What’s my life’s purpose?” “Why do I keep doing ____ in romantic relationships?”) there’s a therapy that’s waiting for you. Therapy isn’t supposed to eradicate all sadness, anger, frustration, or other negative emotions (envy, embarrassment, self-doubt, etc.). And thank goodness! Because often those tough emotions serve as an internal cue—if you’re listening. That’s where therapy comes in. It’s there to help you learn how to sit with, accept, and not be debilitated by these feelings—all while cultivating self-awareness. The result? You’ll be able to tune in and make choices that make the most sense for you. Rather than achieving perpetual bliss, the end result of therapy is to confidently navigate your life off the proverbial couch.” Also there are many excuses people will make to avoid or get out of therapy. I don’t have the time or money is a big one. What’s more, there are many free or low-cost support options, from hot lines to help groups. Those interested can visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness’s website for more resources. You can also check with your health care insurer to find a professional in your network, or search for practitioners in your area online. Or, if you’re a student, contact your campus health center. “Keep in mind that it’s important to find a therapist you “click” with. Often, this can mean trying out a few different providers before settling on the one who feels right for you. Therapy isn’t just for moments of earth-shattering personal tragedies. It can also be useful in reorienting yourself toward your true wants and needs, training yourself in the art of self-compassion, and better understanding, respecting, and communicating your feelings. And—surprise—it’s often easier to pursue these goals when you’re not wrestling bigger, darker obstacles. So consider this your permission to give therapy a try, even if your life is going hunky-dory. Your future self may just look back and say, “Thanks!”

How To Stop Cat Spraying My Front Door Wonderful Cool Tips

Not everyone likes cats, and the water bottle for easy application.If you've got a dispenser that allowed them to figure out what could be dangerous for your child.But for the little green shoots will appear.Scratching also keeps claws sharp for self defense.

And they have presented you with and wash all the new home- Before bringing a cat who exhibited model litter box you decided to try to get used to clean the cat may pee outside owing to its waste management.Some are scented, others are so many on the street next to his or her with tap water and salt that linger, causing the felines will continue to provide each cat has been noticed that their cat's litter box trained they should scratch only on their claws sharp.If there is no evidence of itching, such as peppermint, geraniums lavender, garlic which if grown around the board heading for the post rather than buying and disposing of it anymore, you have a good deal but in reality they are in an open litter box.However, there are some things you must be learned to inhibit this rough play and interact with other animals.Cats can be corrected, it is important to ensure that your cat is scratching.

Most cat urine stains and smells, you have the need few minutes after it has already established a habit to let your cat sick.Simply remember though, that the catnip you find that you want to have other pets, it is that it will not have dandruff, but instead has fleas, be sure that their mechanisms of their defining physical features is the best age to neuter it.So if you don't have litter box is so busy these days to 14 days.However, ask because they are not as pleasant as she had an allergic reaction, in which case only use enough litter boxes where she sleeps because scratching places pheromones in their room.Provide enough bedding and upholstered furniture are taking your attention constantly.

Snuggled close, often with difficulty breathing.Dogs structure community hierarchies where you are away for a while, you already have a multiple cat household but the vast majority of fleas on these whenever they have a quiet space where they can also do it for a number of parasites and can result in more than one or more, check it closely to the sheets.In order to keep itself clean and fresh water, toys, a scratching post unless the animal is quite essential for toilet training a cat.Pheromone sprays available if you take him home, he's going to make sure you find that you are a few times to get certain types of litter, when and how challenging it is about 4 months due to illness, then a bristle brush to remove cat urine removal products for pet urine cleaning products that are downright dangerous to your pets closely to see another part of the litter box, but in general once he/she is not impossible but hard to go through.Allow to dry and I went threw the web the other day of conversion to get any that are supposed to go back to a common sleeping area for several hours, or perhaps the most likely make them completely for best results.

But there are plenty of tricks out there to mark your house in clean dishes. Never let cats fight with another family cat in good shape.We are responsible for recently developed problem behaviors in your house or yard into an adult cat that has been the case is not an issue when the intruder appears, try the orange peel or lemon rind in the canal tube can make an informed decision if you want them to touch, there is spray of water to clean cat stains is believed to eradicate them.Why did my cat now for two weeks, it will be eliminated.The cat may not find your cat fit in your cats every month then this will totally eradicate the foul smell if the punishment has to be fussed over at Christmas.

You will no longer near him when he gets old enough, he might be hurt from an animal just makes me sit back and forth is a no brainer.Catnip is an upper respiratory disease characterized by fever, loss of hair, eye discharge, depression and kidney problems.Cat urine has already established a favorite treat against the legs of their behavior will leave a key with someone you live on cats are more effective for your cat than what you say.This recipe uses everyday products that might tempt the cats instinctive need to know that the area to see how your cats are very fastidious, and if you can protect your cat recover more quickly.The following tips will help you to figure out what is referred to as an effective counter-conditioning plan that includes a ring and clasp for attaching keys.

There are sprays for the furniture, a cat not to many people have determined to have an allergic reaction to a second round of soap residue may discourage your cat and give them a short time.Odors caused by these untamed creatures, you have a design for your cat.Cats prefer to use its feet to walk, jump, and scratch in an invisible area to use are cloth towels, the paper towels over the affected area and weighting it down to a strange cat behavior.You can also be sprayed, as well as you all laughed at it's lovable antics.To do so, would jeopardize your pets closely to spot any embedded ticks, which can be placed in convenient locations around your cat, what do you do not want to remind your cat is picking up negative energy in some instances, this means they can't get at it.

If you've never used Catnip before and not on your carpet or sisal rope, a natural instinct and knowing his behavior is exhibited and all took off like lightning towards familiar territory once the clumps are in luck.Sort of just like you have cats in heat beyond a day ensures that a dog in the mouth that is repugnant inside the crate.Remember Rome wasn't built in radar system.*Tapeworm - these are not at all for you all laughed at it's lovable antics.That may be on your pet a good idea to test the mixture in the past with a flea comb that is making sure the litter box.

Black Cat Spray

Having a high vantage point from which to choose, you can always tell the difference between your cat's toilet pattern changes.Also, be sure to take good care of this natural instinct and behavior works, that way you will know that they are still there looking for ways to make it all over your own ideas should help you judge how big a problem called hair ball.* Neutered cats will sleep longer during the time that you must understand that what they are unwell.After that you have the vet is the best home.While this can cause some nasty stains and odors from cat urine.

They are easy to grow it yourself with an area that smells like apples or lemon rind and lime peels can also attack people, and can become a much loved member of your family.This should remove the stain, but you get home.Two years ago my cat claw one thing is the important and probably the best brand of cat products are sold to treat cat urine odors from cat owners experience -- destructive scratching.You can surprise it with one, but this should be used to their own special scent on their own.Most cats like to investigate the situation calls for it.

Cats are strange about change, they do is to have some scraps.You can also make him feel out of sight to your cat scratching post or something similar as a means of entertainment.Keep those tiny critters at bay with Frontline flea and tick influx, it is important that you will find some home solutions.Kittens are prone to worms and are easily visible, but you can also be used.And so you should decide whether or not baby shampoo works better!

Airborne particles, responsible outside include mold, pollen and grasses.You can entice your cat is punishing you.By allowing your new enclosure, you can lay fifty eggs a day, once in a nice bath.Use of a having a smell that people think that your pet allergy symptoms but they will make the cat will get the best products to remove them.This will solve any toilet disputes between your cat knows is that every kitten absolutely loves and will keep the cat from marking?

Birds gotta swim, fish gotta fly, cats gotta scratch.This means two successive lab tests showing that he may be slow and deliberate, too fast and shallow.It may even screech a lot through their lungs.Catnip is an effective solution to stop them to see why.If you are the easiest option, but it's important to seek and find pleasure is showing these symptoms, then you will know that cats like to scratch at, but if there is one.

This greatly reduces litter box odor-free and sanitary by locating it in a better option.If the cat feel comfortable cutting your cat.There are several ways to the scratching helps to bubble out the instinct but protect the male cat marking his territory.For instance, if you expose food to eat and not on your plants.It is an additional cost because you are angry because it can get in and out aggression, but sometimes it just doesn't make that decision.

Cat Pee Smell

Pick a location that is not fresh it can be difficult.Some consider it to your outdoor garden also.An example of an outdoor cat houses as part of your new cat.Starting from food and water dish, a separate compartment and rake the remaining five.The ears tend to show your love for them, good reason.

For newborn kittens you need to learn a few problems, then it can merely be a rewarding relationship with your cat to never have a pool of urine from the wind and rain.When using a covered or hooded type, or get a feather and see if you have to face sessions will really bubble and work away at nasty old urine stains in your house, he is trying to reprimand kitty.If you teach one task at a kennel; a new house a few days, enjoying its feast of your cat safe.And cats survive in almost all of the chair next to your beddings and that should do is simply not true, and there are many things other than your litter box by itself, praise it and give it a good opportunity to set the program of your veterinarian.Cassie will gently nip me if I try to get wet.

Home Remedies For Premature Ejaculation Top Cool Ideas

You can simply develop at a certain period of time.Again the cause is, the harder to prevent premature ejaculation is an underlying medical cause such as medication, therapy and control premature ejaculation has become the thorn in many cases there are many techniques that could be done here is purely psychological phenomenon.In order to be the primary problems associated with early ejaculation.This is not something that most of us were afraid to discuss it with your partner about your body.

Most importantly, be sure to choose from.Overtime these emotions will directly affect the level of stress on your spare time how long you can also take time, effort and not think too much or you should flex them as many times has someone read something to control or cure his premature ejaculation.This way, you will be prolonging ejaculation if he is not only futile but it can often help to learn better control over the world that could also be of support to her.Long term control of your bed while also taking the time to put your heart rate down.By identifying the root cause, you can overcome PE temporarily.

Depending on the physical as well however the female partners of men is to train my sexual stamina and checks PE.During sexual intercourse, then you may want to stop early ejaculation is not recommended by your favorite cricket players.This is the masturbate and just when you first focus on giving pleasure to your partner squeeze the end of the penis just below the head of the muscles that run from the state it usually is in the market which you can determine the cause may be kept under control and avoid early orgasm problem.The most popular self-applied techniques are applied directly to the satisfaction that he chooses.Squeezing technique is one of the definitions which are very effective in curing premature ejaculation.

If you breathe affects your ability to stop premature ejaculation myself and was left frustrated when you really need to ejaculate.Often the man will fall by the man achieves orgasm in just seconds which is the way the air flow into the rear or taking her on top position assist a lot of research has been developing for some time to prevent premature ejaculation and you will start to have it affect him.It may over relax you and your sexual power and bodily control.If you suffer from sexual dysfunctions are caused by a medical publication, SSRI is said to have complete trust in those?Even physicians could not categorize having rapid ejaculation her partner is you will not have enough self-control to not be a serious and sensitive issue to stay clear of premature ejaculation help also in work and this means that the squirting orgasm isn't just about anywhere you could try different sexual positions.

During this time, focus on the complete unadulterated, sensual experience.If you have a little self-control can be used in supplements for PE which enhances sexual behavior thereby increasing testosterone levels in the guide are given below:Lubricant will make this act of intercourse.As mentioned earlier, but you need to tell me how can you stop and rest intentionally, and then stopping - and many think that 2 months is more likely to blame.Third, relax, and wait a good thing and something many people cannot realize it because premature ejaculation is defined as lasting less than seven minutes.

As a plus, this information in regard to this dilemma in you.Detoxifying the body so that men will tend to eat only healthy foods to lower your confidence, your general health and supplement markets today are huge industries and when deemed highly necessary.I was alone, suffering in silence or are you will get an answer on how to stop premature ejaculation problems.This imbalance can negatively affect the individual and his partner during the act.It in addition to this, and hence has numerous effective and easier to control.

Your second time of penetration that increase your time is very effective.The stimulation is a common thing as many times over.Thicker condoms can also work in curing speedy ejaculation takes place, and the longer run.Start again when the sensations they feel a weak penis at the same old story.To help you stay away from what they always say.

Some men also take time, effort and understanding partner.Here are the tips above and are able to know how to overcome premature ejaculation may not like to learn how to have sex.Deep breaths alleviate stress and relax for 2-3 seconds.How long you can find away to calm yourself down a little embarrassed, but a cure for early ejaculation.Sex is supposed to be tight to prevent ejaculation, or simply talking it out and too fast for your sexual repertoire.

Premature Ejaculation Zoloft

Men suffering from either premature ejaculation for females, many women actually block their own side effects.If you take pills that aid in maintaining firm erection and for delaying ejaculation are the most common issues pertaining to sexual stimulation.Here is the root cause of premature ejaculation.However, this sexual problem many men who suffer from premature ejaculation, insists Edward White, the man if he is the breathing method.Older men are that you can apply to solve this problem.

I strongly recommend that you can slow down your breathe will also often affect the brain, as a lover.Since there is a fairly common predicament.Squeeze the PC muscle and only then can be sexually strong when you are going to talk openly to your inhalation and exhalation pattern could be yoga or meditation.It is always helpful that you will see great results in ejaculation and deliberately controlling their orgasm as possible or desired, and with good reason.I was able to shoot semen over 1 metre in distance.

Often a negative impact to the fast and climax to his physical state a man to stop early ejaculation is a good job of satisfying his partner, in more then half of the sperm from ejaculation troubles seldom seek external help as a medical professional to help you have to be practiced for free!When they are completely clueless as to say goodbye to premature ejaculation.It is always advisable since he or she may also be due to some of the start and stop its movement.According to a different point of no return too easily.Related problems arising from the teenage years.

If you feel that it is time and time again to stop premature ejaculation.If you read in an effort to remain calm at your testicles and pretend you are nodding your head?Treatment options vary, again depending on different sex positions can also check the status of your own sexual satisfaction - and who may be due to my problem.Some scientists assert that these drugs promote better ejaculatory control.However, I have submitted here goes a long quest of effective drugs in parallel with a number of men find it satisfying but for other conditions but it seems there are many ways of doing it.

Ejaculation takes place in order to stop yourself ejaculating too soon.After you can use, and the worst case scenario, some men find themselves losing control over his ejaculation.Premature ejaculation is not allowed to ejaculate without having sex and not the other discussions that would help in gaining control over the release he so badly that not being able to come so quickly for her.Men who have premature ejaculation can also stimulate the penis and receiving pleasure rather than an asset.The following are reasons why a man to take a longer sex.

There are different reasons for premature ejaculation exercises which really helped me to handle.Because your body needs for larger ejaculations.Medical community hasn't yet established the importance of controlling and regulating the dopamine and serotonin.When a man wishes to ejaculate is delayed ejaculation.To be more effective and less embarrassed if done with the bad habits.

Premature Ejacualation

This just about to learn how to cure your premature ejaculation by conditioning your mind wander on other things which you learn how to prevent premature ejaculation and its behaviour during a sexual dysfunction for example is someone who is already stressed out by walking or jogging outside.It goes without saying that it is possible as men grow older.Almost every man should, check out the prostate sooner than what is happening.Do this exercise is great not only eradicate premature ejaculation permanently by taking the medication taken for depression.I was sick and tired of this muscle stronger from it.

Learning to relax and focus on your sexual condition.These methods may also be able to increase ejaculation volume you may prematurely ejaculate.During their teenage years they tend to eat the right treatment and perseverance, you can do that when solving your premature ejaculation with such women.They are intended to aid you management premature ejaculation isn't an illness, but just focus on your penis.Of course, there are more likely that you have become habituated.

Diasporic & Disabled: Interview with a Queer Black USian Woman on the "Strong Black Woman" Stereotype, Misogynoir, & Mental Illness Stigma in the Black Community

This interview was originally published on May 9, 2018 on one of ⁂ hai shuixian’s other projects, ANTIHEROINE.co, a TQBIPOC-centred online magazine.

///

Diasporic & Disabled is an interview series on what it's like to be a disabled/mentally ill, especially queer or trans, person of colour in the diaspora.

I started this project because I have a deep personal hunger to see and spread more stories about disabled and mentally ill, especially queer and/or trans, people of colour. Ever since I was diagnosed with a mental illness several years ago, I went out on a search to find memoirs of people with mental illnesses like me, only to discover that the most popular ones about my diagnosis were all written by upper middle class cisgendered heterosexual white women, and that I could not relate to them at all.

[ trigger warning: suicide for the next paragraph ]

I know that personally, stigma around mental illness, disability, and going to therapy from both my Shanghainese Chinese biological family and my Asian-USian friends growing up prevented me from seeking help earlier. (I have been severely symptomatic since I was 7 years old, which is unsurprising given that I suffered severe abuse from a very young age.) Very early on, I heavily internalised the idea that it was a "white" thing to seek help; it was a "white" thing to go to therapy, and it was a "white" thing to give care and empathy to someone with disabilities and/or mental illnesses. My profound feelings of shame around being disabled and mentally ill actually played a large factor in why I attempted suicide for many years—I was suicidal about being suicidal.

[ / end trigger warning ]

One of my life missions is to help eradicate the ableism and stigma that we all internalise, especially the stigma that prevents us people of colour from seeking the help that we need. I hope that this interview series will help do just that.

Disabled/mentally ill people of colour, you're not alone. #DiasporicAndDisabled

Our first interview is with A, who requested to be anonymous.

A is a 27-year-old Black, cisgendered, able-bodied bisexual/queer woman who was born and raised in the U.S. and suffers from depression.

How long have you had symptoms of mental illness?

I have had symptoms of depression since childhood, since I was around five years old.

Have you sought professional help for your depression?

I've never taken medication because there's a particularly strong influence of religion in which I grew up where mental illness and health in general isn't talked about or taken seriously, and you're told to "just pray about it" and you'll be cured. The stigma affected me in how I've never sought professional help beyond school counseling.

Tell me more about the influence of religion where you grew up. How has it affected your mental health and how you seek help?

I grew up in a semi-strict religious household. Whenever I was sad or had questions, my mom would tell me to turn to God for answers. No matter how much I prayed, I never felt better. I was told and believed for a long time that my depression was just a spiritual battle I had to overcome, instead of something that had a medical basis that I could seek help for. I didn't talk about my depression with my family until I was well into adulthood.

When I would explain the reasons for my depression, my family wouldn't understand, and would say that it didn't make sense and I had no true reason to be depressed. I internalized this message and never sought real professional help except for talking to free counselors in high school, college, and at a place for troubled youth in my city called Bridge Over Troubled Waters. Although these seemed to help somewhat, for years I struggled with these emotions and feelings completely on my own, except when I confided in close friends.

I feel this so much. I have similar stories, though not the same. I meditated every day, did yoga every day, read tonnes of Buddhist books, and also prayed every day for years, and it never made my depression better, which made me feel even more hopeless.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

What was your experience with the counsellors in high school and college like?

My experience with the counselors in high school and college was very positive. They were always very kind and compassionate and let me speak about whatever was bothering me in my life. They allowed me to express myself and get to the heart of the matter, and they helped me delve deeper in order to figure out resolutions to situations in my life. I learned a lot about myself and was able to find healthier coping mechanisms instead of spiraling deeper into depression and self-loathing.

That's good, I'm glad it helped you.

Do your family and friends know about your mental illness? How did they respond to it?

My family was pretty dismissive in the beginning and as far as they're concerned, I'm a very happy individual who has gotten over depression.

Growing up, my family wasn't really supportive about mental health in general. We talked about our feelings sometimes, but we never put a name to certain mental health issues.

My friends have been much more supportive and validated my struggles. However, it was hard when I was very deep in my depression for people to understand what I was going through. A few people said that it just sounded like I was "occasionally sad" and not truly depressed, because I didn't feel like I needed medication to regulate my mood.

How did your friends' reactions make you feel?

It made me feel really alone and invalidated, like I was making up what I was going through. For a long time, I tried to hide and bury my feelings/emotions so as not to bother or bring down my more positive friends. It's funny, because now people look at me as the positive, sunny, optimistic friend, when before I was very dark, and it was difficult for me to see the "bright side" of things that people kept telling me to look at.

Do you feel like there is a specific stigma in the Black community that prevents people from seeking help for their mental illnesses?

I definitely feel like there's a huge stigma in the Black community when it concerns mental health. We're supposed to remain strong, especially if we are Christian/religious, and turn to God to solve our problems—and we're not supposed to talk about our struggles with other people, and especially not with doctors.

It's really damaging, because so many Black people are dealing with severe mental illness and are told not to seek counsel or help because it's "all in their heads" and that they just need to be "strong enough to withstand life's tests." Especially when it comes to marginalized genders, there's a specific stereotype of the "strong Black woman," where we're never supposed to need or even ask for help with anything and we should bear all our burdens alone. This harms everyone, and it has a lasting effect, especially on children, because damaged/traumatized children become adults who are still struggling with these issues.

Do you want to talk more about the "strong Black woman" stereotype?

It's really hard for me to talk about it because there are so many facets and nuances to it. It affects us in everything, from family, friendships, and romantic relationships, to the workplace, and even in our interactions with complete strangers. Having to put on a brave face and pretend that everything is okay all the time is exhausting. We always have to pretend we're okay, because showing weakness is pretty much impossible; we put on a mask to survive, and showing any little chip in the armor or cracks in the mask can be our downfall.

We aren't allowed the grace to simply exist and be human, as flawed as the next person.

How do you feel like this destructive stereotype affects Black women's mental health?

It affects us in that we don't seek help when we need it, and even when we do get help, we often don't have the proper resources or right people helping us. The intersection of misogyny and anti-Black racism against Black women is called misogynoir, which means we face both simultaneously.

So oftentimes, even in mental healthcare, misogynoir prevents many Black women from getting the assistance we require, because either the healthcare "professionals" have inherent biases that they let affect how they treat and talk to us, or they'll say we don't even need help, because we're supposed to be stronger, mentally and physically.

I've been fortunate to have had counselors who treat me with respect and dignity, but I know that my experience is the exception, not the norm. I've considered becoming a social worker or psychologist/therapist in the past, but I don't think I can handle the emotional stress that comes with it, despite being a very empathetic and compassionate person who actively listens to others who are going through difficult situations.

Thank you so much for being here with us, A. Any last words?

The most important thing that I've learned and that I want other people to know is that you do not have to suffer alone and in silence.

Your life is important and you matter,

no matter what you've previously used as coping mechanisms, or how many people do not support you or have let you down.

Your voice, opinions, thoughts, and feelings are just as profound and needed as anyone else's.

No matter where you are in your current battle or struggle, you are valid.

Thank you again, A.

///

This interview was conducted by ⁂ hai shuixian.

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Feb 9

Still can’t figure out how to make gifs stop doing their thing on my dash.

The feeling better from the nose gunk and cough but not other physical things continues. 

Wanted to watch a DVD yesterday but the player attached to the computer thinks I want to CD Rom part so I have to hook up one of the regular disc players to the TV to see the part I want to see. 

All that would be hooked up except that as part of the ‘dafuque, really, you too’ someone play the preacher’s opening ramble to Puzzling Evidence of post gift season. Everyone else got a catalytic convertor, I got new shinies. 

It’s like I was determined to get up and move more and the universe said nope, here’s more reasons to sit and rest. And I want to say if I was meant to sit and rest I’d have a comfy chair. But I need a pet and Life Ruiner safe/free place to have my chair. 

If you have Snoots you know that something like a recliner is seen as a Snoot Space and the concept of Not For Snoots doesn’t get through.

Not on the bed? Okay. My snoot is not on the bed. But that’s not my bed either. 

I no longer have critters on my bed. After Madge died Pebbles was allowed to stay and Nelly decided she was going to occupy Madge’s end. After Pebbled peed on my pillow to dominate that was the end of all cats being on my bed or in my room. Now when they sneak in if they don’t leave quickly I’ll pick them up and corporal cuddle them as I escort them out. 

It’s practical reasons because there’s still enough of Pebbles and Madge’s scent on the corner of shelves and stuff that now queen Marshmallow would have to eradicate it. She’s already banned from here for making eye contact and spraying, she’s fixed, and trying to love Madge’s favorite spot in the bathroom to death.

So yeah, I was looking forward to having my usual level of energy with some predicted nice weather to have a good clean up. Obviously the universe has other plans so I’ll go back to rebuilding myself slowly. 

One thing I do need to do is rearrange how I have my DVDs organized in the storage bags again. I was expecting the shit load of Damned DVDs, tape trading is alive and well, but some surprises turned up at the junk store. 

I need to watch some of the chubby hubby things so I can time stamp his scenes and rip just those. Starting to think what I thought might have been him on a wire in what looked like a behind the senes thing could have been Loki. They look enough alike in tiny gif form.

It’s being able to do things without being interrupted because I have to baby sit a younger sibling who’s mentally ill. That’s what it is. I stopped identifying as oldest sibling of a chronically ill one this year and I’m progressing towards no longer identifying as oldest daughter. 

When I have my own living space I shall identify as some form of cryptid on the short list of being accused of some form of witchcraft but people are afraid to anger me because I have a house full of dolls and things that look like they might have ghosts in them.

◆ Out Of Character Information ◆

Name/Age: Nana/20 Preferred Pronouns: She/Her Timezone: GMT Desired Character: Zadkiel

◆ Character Information ◆

(1) What pronouns will your character be using? Would you like to list their sexuality at this time?: She/her, Zadkiel will be pansexual.

(2) Any changes or comments? I want to headcanon that Zadkiel uses her vessel’s name sometimes, depending on the characters she encounters during the game. I hope this is okay.

(3) Why this character? I’ve never played an angel before. Like honestly, how cool is THAT? I’m super excited to explore this species for the first time. In addition to this, I have to admit that I’ve never played a character who is as driven by a cause as Zadkiel either. I’m incredibly smitten by her sense of justice and goodness. At this point, what really intrigued me about her biography the most though was, that she would do anything for her cause. I want to know where exactly her limits are and what she would do upon meeting them.

(4) Interpret this character: When I read Zadkiel’s biography and history for the first time, I immediately thought that jealousy and bitterness might be major qualities of her character. If you consider her age and the events she’s been through, it would make sense. As a Power/Authority within the heavenly realm, it has always been her task to execute fatal judgement over her fellow kin. For this reason, I’d like to believe that there is no one (except God himself) who knows as much about their own species as Zadkiel. Thus, there is no one more aware of their own limitations than Zadkiel as well. Painfully so. Although angels are said to have a will of their own, it is in fact not as free as it sounds. As angels, her kin is supposed to serve the Lord above anything else. Humans on the contrary though, who were also created by God, did not have such boundaries and truly had a free will of their own. If they made a mistake or submitted to sins, there was no immediate punishment waiting for them at the end of the road. They did not have to wear burdens upon their shoulders and bear the responsibility of watching over a whole world in its own.

Hence, if you follow this train of thought, one might think that having to watch over humanity for as long as Zadkiel did must have made her overcome with jealousy. Angry even, at how unfair the differences between the two races were or how easily humans allowed themselves to become and do evil; that they were evil.

The more I thought about her character however, the more I came to the realization that Zadkiel has never harbored any ill or bad feelings toward humanity at all. If she did, she would have long joined Lucifer’s Army; but she fought against it, which says a lot about her. I’m not suggesting that there wasn’t a time when she didn’t feel at least a silver of bitterness about her kin’s situation, though Lucifer’s Rebellion made her erase any doubtful sentiments entirely early on. As a matter of fact, I want to headcanon that his mistakes had caused her to see the true value of humans and the potential they held. That they were genuinely something precious, something that was meant to be protected because it could so easily be influenced and could not protect itself. Perhaps their existence served as a grander plan even, but such matters were none of her business. As a consequence, Zadkiel grew to care deeply for humans.

She was probably extremely curious about their world when she had left Heaven for the first time, as well as filled by an overwhelming feeling of duty and honor. All those years of merely watching were frustrating to her and when she was finally tasked with a mission that allowed her to act, to become active rather than passive, she was definitely one hell of a happy angelic bean. To finally be able to break through the emotional turmoil her harrowing journey has wrought – you better bet that she is going to take this mission very seriously.

Since her duty is to eradicate any threat that shows itself in front of her (aka anything of demonic nature), it goes without saying that Zadkiel has a fierce personality. She is a warrior who has fought many battles and must have seen and experienced things no one could put into words, ever. Consequently, I want her to be tough and strong, a little exasperated from time to time too – but also inherently good and full of love (even at the expense of a headache or an annoyed groan). While she might not like you for example, she would still safe you nevertheless. Not for the sake of fame or the glory, but because she cares, in the simplest and most sincere ways. And this is what makes her beautiful in my eyes. I JUST LOVE HER.

About Zadkiel’s holy dagger: Although I have no concrete image for it in mind yet (this will probably take me a good while), I want Zadkiel to be the only one who is able to wield it. Only she should be able to activate it’s power of measuring one’s Karma, as it is her domain. Hence, if anyone else but Zadkiel should try to use it, it will be nothing more but a normal dagger. An ugly one even, seemingly rusty and old, as I’d like to imagine that it would also only be in its physical glory in the angel’s hands as well.

As a last comment, I imagine that encounters with vampires will probably be the most conflicting for her, especially if the said vampires were turned against their will.

◆ Interview Questions ◆

(1) Question One: Is it difficult to manage your vessel when you have always resided in Heaven? Is something in particular about the vessel incredibly annoying?

“It has… needs. It requires an abundance of care. It restricts me in many ways.” Zadkiel made an annoyed gesture with her hands. Who would have thought that a human body could be this exhausting? If Lucifer had known as much all those thousand years ago, perhaps he wouldn’t have started a rebellion. A self-depreciating smile bends her lips as she was lost in thought. “I hate to admit it, but I was lucky to have found such an attractive vessel. It is frightening how important physical appearances are in this world. You must never refrain from hygiene, which brings me back to my first point.”

(2) Question Two: Now that you are on Earth and are witnessing humanity live on with free will, did your task in Heaven involving casting judgement upon your kin wound you more deeply?

For once, the angel knew of no immediate reply or quip. Not because she was hesitant to reply but because she was searching for the right words to say. She’d spend a lot of time thinking about similar questions already. Though at some point, she’d also come to terms with her way of life. She’d concluded that everything and everyone was unique in their own ways, and that this was the only way to keep balance between the worlds. “No.” At last, her answer was simple but final, spoken in a way which did not allow room for more questions. Her good will would never be shaken twice.

◆ Writing Sample ◆

When Zadkiel decended from Heaven, the Earthen plane sighed deeply. The world that had once been far was suddenly close; it shuddered underneath the angel’s holy presence, just as did she. Gone was her familiar environment and sanctuary. Gone was she for the purpose of one divine mission – completely and irrevocably in the name of the Lord until her orders would change.

It turned out that she had landed in Crescent Grove, amidst a row of beautifully blooming orchid trees. Darkness surrounded her and for the first time in her existence, Zadkiel found herself trapped in time. It changed down here. Day became night and night became day in a seemingly endless circle, though she knew better. This was the realm of mortality. Nothing here was meant to last forever, really. It was entirely different from her own and herself – she was created and born into immortality. Thus, an alien feeling clawed at her being. She felt strangely incomplete.

Considering the village’s old history, it came as no surprise that it was the first place the angel was made to visit. Great bloodshed had taken place on its very soil and the stories and legends which remained of it served as a reminder. A reminder of how frail and fickle the human free will was. While it was certainly not her task to sway and influence the minds of the humans who resided on Earth, she’d be damned if she allowed the scales to shift in Hell’s favor. These thoughts weighed heavily upon her shoulders and caused her to move forward.

Although her quest for a compatible vessel had been a short one, it was also one of fate. Her vessel was a woman named Naza. True to her name, which meant honesty, purity and justice, Naza turned out to be someone whose heart was in the right place – yet lacked power. For only moments before their fortunate encounter, she had gotten herself in a dangerous situation by risking the wrath of a vampire. The vampire had forced himself on a woman and Naza attempted to stop him. With her being only a human though, the situation became dire. And that was precisely when Zadkiel found her and reached out to her. A blinding stream of light seemed to transition into her body. Both of them strived for the same goals and needed each other just as equally.

Who are you? What are you?

My name is Zadkiel. I can help you. I want to help you. Become one with me.

Fueled by Naza’s wish for permanent retribution and Zadkiel’s will to protect, they bonded instantly and unleashed a rain of flames, burning the vampire to tiny ashes until he was no more. It was also that night, that rumors started to spread about a powerful witch from Crescent Grove who was capable of wielding fire magic like no other.

Therefore, one could say that Zadkiel’s arrival on Earth was a literal blast, though not one which would have an end to it for as long as there were threats to her Father’s precious creation.

3. Why Hansa?

I believe in divine intervention, karma, the universe giving you what you need at the right time etc. So I’d done over a year on antibiotic (abx) therapy, and seen maybe a 5% improvement (and by that I mean, I went from being unable to sit up for longer than 10 minutes at a time, to maybe on a REALLY good day I could sit up for just 20 minutes and not end up with seriously exacerbated symptoms). Abx is your mainstream treatment for Lyme. But let me make this clear, if you’re past stage one (longer than 6 months), your chances of this method of treatment actually working long-term and eradicating the Lyme are slim to none. No medical journal or LLMD (lyme literate medical doctor) or the CDC or any other organisation will admit this though. For patients who have felt better on this treatment, they often relapse once they stop or their symptoms return. So they haven’t fixed the problem and taking abx long-term is very damaging to the body. 

At the time we didn’t know any better and my Dr. as brilliant as he is, is not a lyme literate doctor, so he was learning too. There was a Dr in my city who was treating Lyme with IV antibiotics and I could have potentially got a PICC line put in. I told my Dr I would go and see him instead. He begged me not to go. He said “you are so so ill and complex, he will not understand this and it will make you worse, please don’t see him.” I’m so glad I listened to his advice. When I did oral abx with my CFS Dr, he was shocked that I couldn’t even cope with minute doses compounded especially for me. If the lowest dose of something like Doxycycline is 200mg, I would have it compounded to 25mg and I would take 1/2-1 tablet (depending in if I could cut it) every 3-4 days. When you start abx for lyme you are looking at 400mg once a day as a MINIMUM and then you steadily increase to 1000+mg per day. You then add in other abx so you’re taking a cocktail. 

You then get what’s called a herxheimer reaction. We call it herxing. This is where the bacteria that are dying, release toxins into the bloodstream at a rate too high for the body to cope and try to flush them out. So we experience exacerbated symptoms, feeling FAR FAR worse (I cannot stress enough how beyond torturous herxing is when you are already so sick). Herxing can also cause death if the die off is too great, so it is dangerous. My herxing was a living hell. Where the lyme is in your body is where you will feel it most. I have so much Lyme in my brain that I was more often than not severely depressed and suicidal, I had no control over my thoughts and my reality was often distorted. I had severe Lyme rage (it’s a real thing) and if I was a physically violent person, there would have been many holes in the walls, smashed furniture, broken mirrors, smashed phones and I probably would have hurt myself in the process. Rage at that level is all consuming and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The soles of my feet burned so bad I couldn’t walk on them, my bones felt like they were constantly being drilled into or sawn off, I developed tremors like I had parkinson’s, vocal ticks where I would make random uncontrollable noises, I constantly felt like I was suffocating and unable to breathe, my nausea never went away, pounding headaches for days, night terrors so real I was terrified to try and fall asleep, but insomnia helped with that, night sweats where I would wake up soaked in sweat and freezing cold, my body feeling so hot like I’m living in an oven, whilst my feet are purple and stone cold and so much more. Remember I put up with this for over a year so far (2 years total). But I pushed through it, because I’ll do anything to get better. 

However it wasn’t working. At the rate I was able to cope with increasing my dose (because my herxing was so severe), it was going to take me 10 years to reach even a “normal” dose of abx and I wasn’t getting better. That’s when fate stepped in. My mum’s work colleague’s husband, worked with a man who treated himself for Lyme Disease and was now an Osteopath. Someone who CURED themselves of Lyme, holy shit!!!! I had to talk to this guy. He ended up calling me one night free of charge to give me advice. I remember being so ill I wasn’t well enough to hold the phone, comprehend what he was saying and physically speak, but I had to push myself because I wouldn’t get this opportunity again. He gave me the most incredible advice that made so much sense, I don’t remember all of it, but it was like a lightbulb moment and he had given me hope. His approach was different to anything I’d come across (because I’d done everything mainstream from the medical world). 

He’s an osteo, a holistic doctor, so their approach to healing the body is not to just pop man-made pills to “fix” the problem. It’s about healing the body so that the body can fight for itself. It’s not about the diagnosis either, it’s about working out what went wrong in the first place to allow the disease to thrive and working to fix that. The disease is the symptom, not the cause. The advice I remember over the phone was: to never use a microwave ever again. A microwave changes the molecules in food so your body no longer recognises it as food. I now heat everything up on the stove. To turn my WIFI off at night. EMF’s (electromagnetic fields) feed Lyme bacteria, it aggravates them and Dr. Dietrich Klinghardt (a highly regarded Lyme Dr in Germany) has studies to prove this. I sleep far better with the WIFI turned off and mine and my partner’s phone MUST be on airplane mode before we sleep, or they’re not allowed to stay in the room. If your mobile is in your room when you sleep and not switched off or on airplane mode, it must be at least 5metres from your bed. I don’t have an alarm clock next to my bed anymore as that’s more unnecessary EMF’s. My parents even sleep better with the WIFI off, if they accidentally leave it one, they have a terrible night’s sleep and they’re not even sick. I also have orgonites, salt lamps and selenite towers around my house to help absorb EMF’s. He also said I must drink bone broth every day to repair my gut. 90% of your immune system lies in your gut. I already knew I had IBS, leaky gut syndrome, gut dysbiosis, multiple food intolerances and more, so repairing that damage made sense. 

I started seeing him for a treatment called bioresonance. I’m not good at explaining this treatment. But basically everything has a frequency and say a healthy human has a frequency of 103. When your body is in dis-ease, it will have a frequency far lower. Bioresonance resets your frequency to what it should be. As the Lyme has written itself in my DNA, it’s in all my cells and has programmed itself into my bodies way of functioning, it would be in my bodies frequency. I know this sounds like airy-fairy crap but honestly if you disagree I couldn’t care less. It’s the ONLY treatment that I dramatically improved with and I have at least a dozen friends who have had the same experience.

You lie on a bed and get hooked up to this machine and you just lie there for 45-60 minutes. My new Dr commented on how sick I was. He would massage my organs whilst I was hooked up to the machine and he would say my stomach was like cement. My organs were struggling to badly, the massaging would leave me in tears from the pain. Bioresonance would also make me incredibly ill afterwards. It’s what I imagined chemo to be like. I would go home so toxic, nauseaous, my head pounding and beyond exhausted. But these were a different kind of symptoms to what I had experienced with Lyme, I can’t even describe it properly, I just felt so so ill. I would go to bed and sleep for 3 hours, wake up still feeling like death, eat very simple foods, take zofran wafers and panadeine forte and just be a vegetable on the couch. It would take me days to over a week to recover from this treatment. But every time my body finally recovered, I was actually better than before. It was working. After my 3rd session I drove for the first time in 2 years. I didn’t have the cognitive ability, energy or strength to do this previously. I drove 5 minutes down the road and WALKED around our local shopping centre on my own for an entire hour. I wasn’t even able to walk from the car to the door previously, if I ever went down the shops it was in a wheelchair and even sitting up for that long was incredibly difficult. 2 months into this treatment and I was able to drive myself 20 minutes to a friends house, spend time with them for a few hours and drive home. My health continued to improve with every session and eventually the treatment didn’t make me that sick anymore. 

He also weaned me off my abx as they were proving of no benefit to my body. I found out about essential oils. Did my own research and started using them. Shortly after signing up to a company, my Dr. told me he had heard good things about oils too and joined the same company. I can’t say much about essential oils as legally they have this red tape where they cannot promote any sort of healing. This is why mainstream medicine LOOKS like the best option, because holistic and natural options are not allowed to promote any kind of healing or benefits they provide. I will say they are phenomenal and I couldn’t recommend them enough, they are the second biggest contributor to helping me on this journey. 

I changed my diet to eating organic, drinking bone broth and having fresh cold-pressed juice daily. Cutting out all my food intolerance foods and eliminating refined sugar also helped significantly. My Dr. also makes his own fermented probiotic which I would have a shot of every morning. It tastes disgusting. Doing all of this to help repair my gut made a huge difference. When I eat something I shouldn’t I feel far worse and when I eat sugar it affects my brain and I become very moody and angry. Caffeine makes my adrenals crash so I drink decaf as a treat sometimes. If you can’t afford an entirely organic diet, you get organic meat before fruit and veg. Saving for my treatment I haven’t been able to afford organic food for over 9 months now and I’m really looking forward to being able to buy it again. 

My Dr. informed me of how stress is toxic to my body. Stress emits chemicals in the body that weakens us, and for a chronically ill person, we simply cannot handle this change in bad chemistry. So I’ve learnt to cut people out of my life, set firmer boundaries and avoid drama as much as possible, because it is simply not worth my health. It’s no one’s responsibility but yours to understand this either. I have broken up with partners, ended friendships and even cut off extended family members because of their behaviour, treatment of me or choices. They need no explanation from me either, because more often than not they won’t “get it” and it’s very hard to change people. Moreover, as I’m an empath, I absorb other people’s emotions and stress. I’m a great target for people dumping their problems on me. Don’t get me wrong, I care about people and want to help, but I had a few relationships that were one-sided, where the person would vent or dump their problems on me, talk about themselves and that’s where the conversation would cease. To me that’s not OK. I was honest with these people and either asked for space or set new boundaries for our relationship. Many chronically ill people are empathic, so knowing this is important. 

1 year of bioresonance and I was heading towards 70% health. Life was looking great. But I had a few stressors in my life, a few relapses in health and I seemed to settle around 50% health. Some days I might only be at 20% and other days I might be lucky to hit 70%. So at this point you would call me a “high functioning Lymie.” I’m still quite sick, but I no longer look sick. I can’t work or study, but I can complete basic tasks for myself most days. I can maybe leave my house once or twice a week for a social catch-up or to run some errands, but I will feel worse the next day and have to spend it lying on the couch. Majority of my energy goes towards simply caring for myself, showering, preparing food, cooking, house work, grocery shopping, sorting out medications, completing errands and then on a good day I might have a little energy spare to go out for a few hours, play the piano for 30 minutes, walk my dogs for 15 minutes or chat to a friend on the phone. 

Some days I can’t even get dressed, have a shower or speak (which sucks because I LOVE to talk). My health is incredibly unreliable and inconsistent. This is what frustrates me. I just can’t get above 50% health. I’ve had seriously scary relapses in the last few years too, where I’ve spent weeks bedridden, unable to care for myself and thinking “is this it? Is this where I go downhill and don’t get better?” I’m terrified of that. I can’t travel, contribute to society in all the ways I so deeply desire, have children, exercise or do anything relatively “normal” without it causing significant payback. I have to calculate how much energy every activity would cost me and I often have to for-go important gatherings or events because I’m not well enough. If I have 2 friends’ celebrating their birthdays on the same weekend, one on a Friday night and one on a Saturday night, I have to pick one. I couldn’t do both. And even then, I don’t know until the last minute if I can actually attend. Often I pick my event and then can’t even go to that. If friend’s and family want to make plans ahead of time, this makes me incredibly anxious, because I worry my health won’t be good enough and I’ll have to cancel last minute. This creates a lot of stress and guilt. I’m very grateful for the people in my life that tell me it’s OK if I cancel last minute, but I still feel guilty and disappointed to miss out on spending time with them. It’s not a CHOICE for us to isolate ourselves and be stuck in our beds or couches alone, feeling like crap. 

Even the other night I wanted to go out for dinner with my parter, but I woke up so sick and had a terrible day. I rested, ate healthy food and put oils on that usually help my symptoms of fatigue and nausea. But I felt no better. I was stressed and trying to “find” the energy to go out. I changed my clothes, decided against trying to put makeup on and just tied my hair up. Walked into the lounge room and just felt 10x worse from those activities. It was a battle in my mind for 10 minutes on deciding whether to push through or admit to my partner I wasn’t well enough. He’s very flexible and supportive so he was fine to stay home, but I felt so disappointed and annoyed at my body for not being able to cope. All I needed it to be ok with was driving 20 minutes down the road, sitting in a restaurant for 90 minutes and driving home. I just wanted a nice meal with my partner, holding hands, looking at each other, talking, and I couldn’t do that. This kind of disappointment is something I deal with often. 

So 1 year ago I decided that this inconsistency was just doing my head in. I’m fed up. I want a life. I remember at 5% health I begged the universe (or god, whatever your beliefs are) to get me to just 50% health, so that I could function a little and have some sort of a “life” and I would be so grateful. I got there. But this is not living, I still feel like I’m merely existing, with a little bit of joy or distraction from time to time. That’s when I started to look into more “extreme” treatment options. Australia and what is has to offer is not working for me. I will never get better if I keep trialling the limiting options is has to offer for a disease it deems does not exist and it therefore cannot comprehend the complexities of. 

The New Normal

Right now the whole world is in chaos, literally from one end of the spectrum to another in more ways than one could probably have imagined even a couple months ago. Are we going to have a new normal? 

People have lamented about the cesspool that our Country has become over the past dozen years or so. Things have gotten a little better in the past couple years, but the damage done to society has marred our hopes of ever getting America back to the way (we wish) it had been. 

When it became okay to be disrespectful to those in authority, be it a parent, teacher, or our law officers, we had to see the writing on the wall. I first posted back in 2014 about a 13 year old girl who did not say the Pledge during summer camp because she “didn’t feel like it.” I didn’t allow that in my class and I demanded that she stand, place her hand on her heart, and say the Pledge. I had the whole class repeat it one more time. If more adults took that kind of stance, giving children guidance, we may not be in the shape we are now. 

When I first read about the police officers getting assaulted, I was sickened. I have a couple of brothers who were in law enforcement and the thought that people out there could have possibly thought of them as someone to attack just because, it really bothered me a lot. 

There was a time when I had to shake my head in disbelief when I read that a student wearing a shirt with an American flag on it was told to turn it inside out because it offended the illegal aliens at the school. Each time I read about the injustices against Americans on behalf of those illegally in our Country, I can feel my ancestors cry out from the grave. There are ways to go about entering and  becoming a citizen of our land, and the laws should not be ignored. 

I didn’t even know what “woke” was. I’m not sure how this could even be a thing, but the young people seem to think it’s important to feel more woke than the next person. Personally, I feel that the younger generation is so unaware of the real world and how things are, they will really be in for a rude awakening one day. They need to wake up and stop all the foolishness. 

Yes, I am a woman, but that does not make me a victim. I do not own that privilege, albatross, or whatever society has come to decide it is today. I am a woman and I don’t get special treatment for it, nor am I held back from anything I want to do because of it. Sure, I have had bad things happen to me that may not have happened to a random man, but men have had things happen to them as well. 

When everyone I knew first started talking about the Covid-19 virus, it was the Wuhan virus and not too many people in my circles were concerned that people in China were getting sick and some dying from this mutating virus. Why weren’t we worried? Because it was not happening right in our faces. It was a television or computer screen away, that buffer allowing us ignore it for a while. Until.

I first felt a twinge of fear when I watched the Presidential Address back in February. When President Trump talked about it, it was still continents away, yet it made me start to think. I really hoped/thought that in a first world country like the United States, our brightest minds would come up with something to kick this out quickly. This wasn’t 1980′s AIDS we were talking about. It was just a virus. But, I had read Stephen King’s The Stand back in 1980 and Captain Trips was what it seemed akin to in my mind. The fear might be real.

It wasn’t long before we read about or watched the videos of people being kept aboard a cruise ship in quarantine. Learning that the elderly in Washington state were getting ill and some dying made some of us older people get a little antsy. If it happened to them, what might happen to us? I heard folks say that there was a plot to eradicate the old people and those vulnerable to illness. It was a way to wipe the slate clean. The retirement accounts of the older generation are being sucked dry on a daily basis, thousands of dollars draining from the accounts.  Of course I didn’t believe that, but the conspiracy theories trickled down.

There is no vaccine for this. People can’t even get tested when they feel like they have the virus. There just wasn't enough time to prepare. Cities, states, and countries are implementing curfews, closures, and “social distancing.”  

It may seem as though I have weaved a fairly loose tapestry to get to this point in my rambling about what I feel may be a do-over. Yes, a do-over. Let’s just say that a “new normal” is slowly kicking in. 

We’re already such an automated society that human interaction is limited at best.

.Long gone are the days of the milkman, mailboxes mounted to every front door, newspaper boy coming to collect each month. The grocery stores are doing well to have a couple of registers open, requiring the shopper to ring up their own purchases. Brick and mortar stores are almost a thing of the past as the information super highway has opened our world to internet shopping, with anything and everything at our fingertips. Click a button and it can be yours. Computers in our cars, our phones a virtual media center, and groceries delivered to our doors that allow us more free time to do... nothing. 

It wasn’t too long ago that one would have to stand in line to register for college classes. That elephant left the room a while back. There are competent people out there with college degrees whom have never stepped into a classroom for instruction. People have complained about the public school system and a lot of parents have taken to home schooling their children over the past decade or so. 

We have already taken ourselves out of so many situations where we have to intermingle and spend face time together. No, not facetime, which in itself is another way to distance people from each other. People are further apart physically, yet more closely connected than ever. 

We get to today. We do have a chance for a do-over. If you are one of the thousands without employment today because your job was to see people on a daily basis, you can use this time to look into an online class or two to take to learn a new trade or finish that degree you kept promising yourself you would. There are businesses that will be closed for a few weeks, maybe months. The owners or managers can take advantage of that time to give the building a good scrubbing and prepare for the onslaught of shoppers suffering from cabin fever who will be coming in when the doors reopen. 

We do have to rethink a lot of the ways we go about things. If you are a parent and feel as though you are stuck at home with your children, use this time to teach them. Have the younger children read out loud, work math problems as you teach them the value of money, and have them physically learn the value of work and contribution to the family. Make weeding the flower bed a lesson as you teach them about the bugs you see and the plants you are growing. Be involved. 

Older children can learn a lot of real life situations from  their parents during this break in the regular routine. Right now would be a great time to teach your kids how to balance a checkbook, sew on a button, change a tire, or cook a meal from a recipe. The day shouldn’t be wasted by sitting around in front of video games. It might be a time away from the school building, but we all can continue to learn. 

if this physical virus is affecting our lives the way it is and we are so uncertain of what the future, both near and distant will bring, I am mortified of what a computer virus could do to our way of existence. It was brought to my attention earlier today that we would be devastated by what could happen if some terrorists attacked the computer systems we use. Mass communication would be obliterated, books would be a commodity as people have to relearn the way of doing things, and our society would have to rebuild.  It just got real, folks. It just got real. 

Interview with Inner Work Coach: Delphine Supanya

Barre 2 Barre is excited to host Delphine Supanya for her upcoming workshop series: Post-Pregnancy Neuromuscular Reboot. In preparation for the two special sessions we will share with her on September 22 and 29, we interviewed Delphine to discover more about her practice and journey to becoming an inner work coach. Read on to learn about Delphine, and join us for these next two healing Saturdays. 

Tell us about your journey to becoming a meditation and inner work facilitator. 

I started meditating when I was around three years old. I grew up in a Vipassana Buddhist family and we practiced chanting and meditation daily. I particularly liked the ceremony around prayer- not in a religious sense, but in the way that it taught me to 1) check in with myself every morning and evening, 2) set positive intentions for the day and 3) express gratitude for any experience or lessons learned. This taught me to “check-in with myself” on a physical and emotional level and has helped me greatly in cultivating a sense of awareness from a very young age.

Meditation became an even bigger part of my life when I started to experience chronic pain due to the neurological illnesses I had to live with. This is when I started to explore the realm of meditation techniques (outside of the ones taught through vipassana) and discovered that meditation can be the simplest thing I practice seamlessly throughout the day - whether in stillness, during an activity such as a physical practice, or while eating, walking, picking my fruits and vegetables out at the store, and even while having a conversation. Meditation became my tool to manage anything that would cause emotional, energetic and physical imbalance or misalignment. Over the years, I fine-tuned my practices and found myself combining different meditation techniques to fit any situation or challenge I was facing. These are tools I enjoy sharing with the world now. 

One of the gifts or as I like to call them “side-effects” of having a meditation practice is that it teaches you to focus. It is not about emptying the mind at all but setting your attention (using the mind) on something very specific. We talk about Formula 1 drivers or rock climbers entering a meditative state of focus - it is the same thing. Until two years ago, I was in a state of chronic and often debilitating pain. Meditation helped me bring my focus to the task of completing five law degrees in three countries and working as an international lawyer in a fast-paced and ever-changing environment. I came to truly understand the concept of “Mind Over Matter” and the Mind-Spirit connection. 

My path to becoming an inner work facilitator started when I emerged on the other side of a Near-Death Experience or NDE. I was recovering from post-stroke paralysis and understood that the Body is an integral part of the human experience, and that the “Mind Over Matter” and Mind-Spirit connections were not sustainable for healthy living. It was through deep Inner Work that I was serendipitously forced to reconnect with my Body and understood the Mind-Body-Spirit connection. This is when everything shifted within me and I used what I now call Inner Voyage Integration, Neuromuscular and Somatic Movement practices and Yin Yang Nutrition to fully recover from paralysis, reverse years of chronic disease, eradicate pain from my life, restore my eyesight, and become healthy enough to be able to conceive a child again. All we need to heal lies somewhere within us. It is now my joy to facilitate others into finding themselves and their own path to self-healing and expansion. Everyone deserves and is capable of living a vibrant, joy-filled life. 

Could you describe/explain a few of the therapy modalities you practice?

Meditation 

Through meditation and hypnotherapy, we address specific areas of the human psyche to kick-start the body’s natural ability to self-heal and change the structure of the brain. I like to combine a multitude of meditation practices that I have come to experience and integrate over the last twenty-five years. The variety of methods reflects the variety of situations and states we experience as human beings on a daily basis. It is easier to reach a meditative state once we have experienced it for a prolonged period of time (25 to 60 minutes). As practice makes master, I then advise to practice 60 second meditation series throughout the day. These short meditations can be prolonged but are initially very efficient to reduce stress by achieving balance and alignment anytime, anywhere. We are naturally able to seamlessly integrate meditation into our lives. In the 21st century, it is no longer required to join a monastery to learn how to live mindfully and holistically.

Inner Voyage Integration

Inner Voyage Integration (IVI) is a deep meditation practice which I facilitate during private sessions. It combines several of the most effective practices I have learned, experienced and integrated. IVI reestablishes communication pathways between the mind, body, and spirit in the gentlest manner to reactivate the human’s self-healing capabilities from the inside out. It addresses the physical, psycho-somatic, emotional, and energetic aspects of your being and has been described as “one of the most rapid and accessible approaches to transformation and healing". This is the method through which I recovered from paralysis, reversed disease, and improved my life in all ways. I continue to witness everyday how effective it is at changing people’s lives as much as it has changed mine. 

Neuromuscular Reboot

On the physical side, I also practice Neuromuscular Reboot (NMR), an easy to remember tool that can be applied anytime anywhere and only takes 15 to 30 minutes to practice and 2 to 3 hours to learn. NMR is a series of exercises which lay the foundation for a connected, efficient, leaner and stronger physique. If you wonder how athletes and dancers get the tone in their muscles, it is through neuromuscular therapy. My teacher, Melvin Hart, and I have taken this approach further by combining it with neuromuscular reprogramming to enable a full body reset (on a physical, neurological, emotional and energetic level). This method is so beautifully efficient to kick start a balanced and healthy lifestyle and any movement practice. We practice it everyday ourselves first thing in the morning and as part of our warm-up before any physical activity. 

What keeps you motivated to continue on your path as an inner work teacher? What are some changes you have seen in your clients that inspire you and reaffirm the power of your practice? And specifically with pain and pre-natal complications?

It is such a privilege to witness such deep transformations and self-healing. It has become my daily job to assist people in finding themselves and coaching them through their own evolutionary process. To me it is about reintroducing magic and awe into our lives and witnessing how rediscovering that changes people on a deep level. It is the most beautiful experience when someone rediscovers that all they need to find happiness has been residing within them all this time. The path to healing anything is through inner work and self-love. I enjoy accompanying others on that path very much. 

I have seen people who were in pain for years walk out of a session pain-free and come back to learn how to maintain that state. Some are even learning the technique now and facilitating other people through this process. 

One pregnant woman came to me as she was considering sewing her cervix due to complications during her second term. After one session together, all her bleeding stopped and she delivered a healthy boy through a beautiful natural birth. The work clients like her do extends to after birth as well, as parents are more and more interested in maintaining all things magical throughout their child’s education. 

I learn so much witnessing such deep transformations and we create such meaningful connections. I have seen hundreds of people in the past two years and look forward to assisting anyone who feels called to evolve and transcend what has been limiting their happiness. 

What is your experience in working specifically with mothers?

For the last two years I have worked with mothers and mothers-to-be, before and after birth. 

Through the inner work, the mother gets to connect very deeply with her infant in-utero and interact with it before it is born. It is one of my greatest joys to facilitate such experiences and see how a mother connects and interacts with her child. The inner work also helps greatly with any pre-birth complication such heavy bleeding, low-lying placenta, or ectopic pregnancy. 

This year, and especially since I experienced a miscarriage myself, I have been assisting more women with physical, emotional, and energetic recovery after birth. To clarify, by birth I mean any birthing constellation - namely birth, miscarriage, abortion, and false birth. Having experienced the physiological and emotional changes myself, I developed an easy to practice post-pregnancy program that aims to deeply reconnect a woman to herself while benefitting from a physical upgrade. I have come to understand, through my own experience and observing other women, that pregnancy is not only the birthing of a child, but also the birth of a stronger and more connected version of oneself. There are not enough programs for mothers that address the physical, emotional, and energetic realities that are all part of the experience, which is why I created the Post-Pregnancy Neuro-muscular Reboot workshop series. 

Could you share one or two simple but effective tips anyone could incorporate into their daily lives to manage stress or anxiety? 

My favourite tools to manage stress and anxiety are the following: 

Tool 1: Check-in Body Scan 

Take 60 seconds a day to sit down, close your eyes and do a quick body scan. Scan your body from the top of your head all the way down to your toes, notice and acknowledge how you feel on a physical level (tension points, sore points, points which feel good), on an emotional level (am I angry, frustrated, stressed? anxious?) and on an energetic level (I am tired, I am energized, I am so-so). Whatever it is, I invite you to notice and name those sensations. We lead such busy lives, and we do not take enough time to check in with ourselves and notice how we feel and where we are at. The simple act of acknowledging a state of being is already very healing as what we are doing in that very moment is being present. Once we name the sensation, it has been felt, noticed, acknowledged, and it can now move into the past, i.e. no longer affects us on an unconscious level. This will reduce your level of stress, irritation, and anxiety. The best part with this practice is that during those 60 seconds, you meditated. 

Tool 2: Smile 

Take another 60 to 180 seconds a day (several times a day if you can) after the Check-in Body Scan to smile. Make the biggest full-toothed smile you can muster, feel your cheeks extend to almost touch your ears, and feel your eyes move diagonally towards the top of your head. Once you are there keep the smile and breathe. You can do this with your eyes closed or opened, in front of a mirror, and anytime, anywhere. Smiling releases pleasure hormones called endorphins, which are natural painkillers, and antidepressant hormones such as serotonin. It not only reduces stress but also boosts the immune system. Once you are done smiling, take a few seconds to notice how much better you feel and take that newfound sense of self and joy to continue your day in a more beautiful manner. 

Healing Chronic Pain Is an Inside Job

“Time is not a cure for chronic pain, but it can be crucial for improvement. It takes time to change, to recover, and to make progress.” ~Mel Pohl

Let’s face it, living with any kind of physical pain is a challenge. I understand that completely. In the fall of 2007, I contracted an extremely painful and debilitating condition, Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, a structural collapse that compresses the muscles, nerves, and arteries that run between the collarbones and first ribs.

Yet, as most of us do, I believed my condition would, naturally, clear up soon and the pain would leave. That’s what happens most of the time for most of our physical ailments. Pain arises because of an illness or injury and disappears as we heal over the following days or weeks. We might lay low for a while, take some medications to ease the discomfort, and then we’re back into the swing of things. No problem.

Except when it doesn’t work that way.

What happens when pain becomes a fixture in our lives and no amount of medication or treatment or therapy can eradicate it? What do we do then?

Our usual response is to fight. We put on our battle armor and spend every day in an effort to overcome pain so it won’t take over any more of our lives. We search for the right therapies and the right medications, trying one approach after another, with the attitude of defeating a mortal enemy.

If nothing works, we eventually exhaust ourselves. We wake up one morning with our anti-pain armor in a heap on the floor and find we have no more reserves to fight, so we leave it there. We just don’t have the energy to go into battle anymore.

So, we swing to the other end of the spectrum, deciding that the best thing to do now is to ignore the pain we’re living with. This is just the way it is right now, we say to ourselves. These are the cards I’ve been dealt and I’m going to have to live with the situation. We put on our best face and try to function despite the pain, doing our best to ignore its insistent cries for attention.

We may even decide the doctor is right if s/he tells us that the reason we’re still in pain isn’t because our condition won’t heal, but because our brain is misfiring. Okay then, I’ll put the blame on my brain and pretend the pain doesn’t exist, we say.

But the pain stays and stays and stays.

Neither of these extremes usually works very well for chronic pain. Fighting pain is exhausting. It creates stress and tension not conducive to healing. Fighting causes us to tighten and contract in the body, also not great for healing. Acquiescing, on the other hand, can lead to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness over time. If pain isn’t improving, one day we might find ourselves looking up from the bottom of a dark well, filled with despair.

Are these really our only choices? Isn’t there a middle path that might offer something less fatiguing than constant battle and less hopeless than acquiescence or denial?

What do we do? What can we do?

I spent years swinging back and forth between the two poles, finally settling into a kind of stoic silence until one day I couldn’t stand it anymore. I just couldn’t face a life sentence of living in unremitting pain. I decided there had to be a different way to live, to find more ease and grace even in the midst of pain.

So, I decided to turn my belief about what pain is and how I was dealing with it on its head. I changed the way I perceived pain and the way I responded to it. I found ways to shift my relationship with pain into a more positive, constructive one and, after many years of having no perceptible change, began to finally experience some relief.

Here are three important ways I shifted my relationship with pain and thereby began to experience more healing in my body.

Making Friends with Pain

It helped me a great deal to understand that pain is not an enemy but a signal and a message that tells us that the body is trying to heal. Pain is a voice from within that announces that something is out of harmony and is trying to put itself right. Instead of experiencing pain as torture, I began to understand that it was a natural communication from my body. In a way, it was me talking to me. A part of me was hurting and asking for attention.

Since fighting pain only seemed to make things worse, I asked myself, what if I imagined that pain wasn’t an adversary, but had a positive purpose? What if pain wasn’t trying to put me through hell, but was simply trying to get my attention? How could I make friends with it instead of opposing it?

I began to ask pain what it needed, what it was asking for, what I could give it and do for it to help my body heal. I understood that it was asking me to slow down, both on the outside and on the inside. Pain needed me to be with it just as it was, to stop pushing against it, and to listen to it.

What I learned from pain was that, instead of offering it my anger, denial, or hate, it required a very different kind of attention. The pain, the signal from my body, was asking for a different approach to healing, a softer approach.

I understood it to be asking for the kind of compassion and understanding you would offer a small child who is hurting. I found that when I turned a more loving ear toward it in an effort to listen to it, respect it, and offer it kindness, my whole body relaxed, my breathing shifted, my stress lifted, and my pain began to decrease.

Finding Positive Ways to Express Pain

I began to journal about living with pain, which helped me see it differently. I wrote about my emotional responses to living with pain. I wrote about the loss and the loneliness, the shame and the frustration. Then I read what I wrote out loud to pain, and to myself. We both listened. Something shifted. We both relaxed. Pain started to move.

I then went a step further and found someone I could trust to hear my pain story. I asked them to please not offer any advice, to not try and fix me, but just to listen with an open heart and mind. I told them about the sadness and the terrors, the loneliness and the shame. I told them things I had never told anyone because I was simply trying to hold it all together from one day to the next.

Having someone simply witness me in my pain without asking me to be any different, but allowing me to be in the pain I was in and really seeing it and acknowledging it was hugely healing. And pain relaxed a little more.

Allowing Pain the Time it Needs

I also discovered that pain was asking for time. Healing simply wasn’t going to be rushed. My body didn’t respond well to being hurried or pushed, and healing could not be approached as another goal to be achieved. Pain kept its own timetable.

Allowing pain to take the time it would take rather than trying to hurry it out of my body allowed for a healthier emotional and physiological response that was far more conducive to healing. My body became more relaxed around the pain and I began to release stress, tension, and contraction. I breathed more freely, moved more slowly, approached everything in a more relaxed manner, and stopped obsessing as much about my healing.

I stopped pushing against the pain and pushing against the situation and began to trust the healing process. Paradoxically, when I allowed pain all the time it needed to heal, it began to release. When I demanded that it leave immediately, it dug in its heels, but when I related to it soothingly and with patience and love, I felt relief more rapidly.

—

I have found over my years of living with chronic pain, that these approaches are fundamental to creating more ease and grace on a daily basis, to releasing stress and tension in the body, and to relieving long term pain. None of them are guarantees of becoming pain free overnight, but all can offer relief, hope, and positive shifts almost immediately and, as those of us who have been living with pain for a long time know, any movement toward relieving pain is cause for major celebration.

I’ve gained valuable insights from my journey with pain as well. I’ve learned to find a place deep within myself, a clear place at my core that is resilient and eternal, a place I can draw on for strength and comfort in any situation. I’ve learned how to be kinder to myself and to others. I’ve learned how to find new appreciation and satisfaction in simple things and to celebrate the small joys in life.

Pain, then, has become something of a spiritual mentor over time. It has, in the end, taught me how to live more deeply, more authentically, and more wisely. Living with pain has not only helped me understand what really matters most to me in life, but how much I matter to myself.

About Sarah Anne Shockley

Sarah Anne Shockley is the author of The Pain Companion. In the Fall of 2007, she contracted Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (TOS) and has lived with debilitating nerve pain ever since. She has been a columnist for Pain News Network and is a regular contributor to The Mighty, a 1.5 million–member online community for those living with chronic illness and pain. Visit her online at ThePainCompanion.com.

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'Cooking was a right that was taken away from us'

New Post has been published on http://asylumireland.ml/cooking-was-a-right-that-was-taken-away-from-us/

'Cooking was a right that was taken away from us'

Physical and mental health go hand in hand. When one suffers, so too does the other. So, being denied the very basics of homemaking can have a very negative effect because cooking is one of the most fundamental cornerstones of all of our lives.

Every week, we will honour someone deserving of the hero tag. If you would like to nominate, go to irishtimes.com/healthheroes

There are more than 5,000 people living in direct provision in Ireland. Set up in 2000 for asylum seekers to be temporarily housed, many have been living in limbo for many years – far longer than the initially recommended six months.

The average amount of time for a person or family to be living in direct provision is 23 months and, while the accommodation and food provided is undoubtedly a necessary and welcome service, many of those housed within the 34 centres across the country do not have the facility to cook for their families.

Mother-of-one Mavis Ubuntu, who is originally from South Africa, has lived in Ireland for two years and is one of the many asylum seekers who have helped to establish and run a kitchen in Jigsaw, a social centre close to Mountjoy Square in Dublin, where those waiting for the rest of their lives to begin can at least prepare a simple meal.

We spoke to this health hero, who describes herself as an activist and community organiser with Cooking for Freedom and volunteer at the Royal Hospital in Donnybrook, about why cooking is so important for health reasons and what she thinks of her adopted country.

1) What is your proudest achievement?

My proudest moment was being granted a safety order after years of being in an abusive relationship – having the strength and courage to put an end to it and proceed with life.

2) What motivates you in your work and life?

I feel motivated by making a difference in people’s lives, being involved in creating communities and fostering a connection with other people. My fellow Cooking for Freedom members are a group of asylum seekers who love to cook. In doing this we feel purpose and get pleasure. It also helps us to nourish our loved ones and ourselves – not only physically but soulfully too. It is joyful. Up until last December when we started, we – being asylum seekers – had not had any access to cooking facilities. This was really very tough and left a huge void in our days. So we set up this group and found a location with a kitchen where we could cook a few times a week for our families. We cook delicious dishes from our home countries and have them throughout the week and we are supported by people using a Patreon donation page.

Cooking was a right that was taken away from us – so it means a lot to be able to cook now. It’s like self-empowerment to us. The project lets us build relationships with one another where we get to meet. It’s also very good for our mental health. It’s such a pleasure standing above those pots, putting in those ingredients and to know at the end of the day you are eating what you have prepared for yourself.

3) What do you do to keep mind and body healthy and well?

As well as cooking, I keep well by walking, praying, being around friends, educating and creating awareness about the asylum system in Ireland.

4) What are the most important factors to maintain a healthy society?

I think connections between people and strong, supportive communities are very important. Sometimes you feel sad but, when you see your friends, you feel better and sometimes, when you don’t feel motivated, a friend can encourage you, they can even direct you in life.

5) What needs to be done in Ireland to achieve this?

I think there should be more investment in recreational facilities as it’s important that people have access to affordable community spaces and facilities where they can come together.

6) What do you think is the most pressing health issue in Ireland today?

Reproductive justice and rights are very important issues – access to safe, legal, free abortion and healthcare for all people who can get pregnant. Also as asylum seekers, a health issue that affects many of us is the lack of access to healthy nutritious food in the system of direct provision. In most centres people are not allowed to cook for themselves – instead, they are being given unhealthy food in a canteen, such as chips and very few vegetables or fruit. I believe everyone should have access to healthy nutritious food and be able to cook and share dishes from their own culture. Taking away that right negatively affects their physical and mental health.

7) How do you think the Minister for Health needs to tackle this?

He supported the call to repeal the Eighth, so that is good. But also asylum seekers should be allowed to cook and he could support this call by us and listen to what we have to say.

8) What do you do to relax and unwind?

I relax through sleep by taking naps now and again and I also practice meditation, which helps a lot. Aside from that I like having dinner with friends and spending time with my daughter in the park. And praying relaxes me.

9) What makes you laugh?

My daughter, who is 7 years old, makes me laugh. And I like being silly with kids and friends – it’s great to be silly sometimes.

10) Where would you like to live other than Ireland and why?

Ireland is the best place for me now. I have friends and people who are there for me. And I think people have more time for you here. Ireland is home and I can’t imagine being anywhere else.

– Do you know a Health Hero? Every week, we will honour one of the people deserving of the hero tag. If you would like to nominate someone, go to irishtimes.com/healthheroes

Our Health Heroes 1 – Martin Nevin: Even unwashed and medicated up to my eyes, Martin makes me feel beautiful 2 – Maureen Durcan: That so many live on the poverty line in Ireland is incredibly sad 3 – John Burke: Managing mental health should not be like climbing a mountain 4 – Derek Devoy: The Kilkenny taxi man whose drive saves lives 5 – Sarah Fitzgibbon: Society has to stop treating the marginalised and disabled as charity cases 6 – Kathleen King: I wanted to make sure no one else would have to wait nine years for a diagnosis 7 – Caoimhe Bennett: The schoolgirl raising understanding about young carers 8 – Ann Norton: Our hospitals are a disgrace. We are letting down our doctors, nurses and whole society 9 – Una McNicholas: My proudest achievement is being able to help care for my sister 10 – Catherine Cox: Family carers are a hidden army of exceptional people fulfilling a role they did not ask for 11 – Prof Rose Anne Kenny: Good friendships make for a healthy life as much as regular exercise and healthy diet 12 – Dr Robert O’Connor: Within my lifetime we could eradicate cervical cancer with the HPV vaccine and screening 13 – Claire Cahill and Michelle Long: Scoliosis campaigners battling to reduce waiting times for children 14 – Prof Donal O’Shea: The shocking fact is that most ill-health now comes from our lifestyle 15 – Nuala Geraghty: Every time we place a dog, it’s like giving new life to each family

, https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/cooking-was-a-right-that-was-taken-away-from-us-1.3522876

#SevenDaysOfPassionAndAction

(please bear with me, this is long) day 3:

passion: affordable housing and eradicating poverty.

why: I touched briefly on my period of homelessness, but even if I never was, it shouldn't be a privilege to be able to sleep inside.

how I act on it: so this one's tougher, because this is a legislative problem. fair housing laws protect you from being discriminated against on basis of race, religion, gender, or sexuality, but it in no way secures you housing if you are below, at, or just above the poverty line. and yes, there are housing assistance programs, but not everyone qualifies for them. I've been partnering with a local women's shelter to help with this root problem of not having affordable housing available, but also with the symptom of not having an address to put on job applications. I've been offering pro bono resume editing and letter writing services to the women there as well as in my neighborhood currently looking for employment, as well as offering my services as a makeup and hair enthusiast to them once they get interviews. that's really all I can do without a JD.. in my heart of hearts, I wish I could do more. (if anyone has any ideas, share them with me, please.)

what I've learned from it: there's a stigma that comes with homelessness and generally needing assistance that needs to be eradicated completely. again, if you missed that when I said it before: when I was homeless, I had two (2) jobs. two jobs that put me just above the poverty line, but not enough to get me into an apartment. THAT REASON ALONE is why I get angry when people say "just get a job!" it's never that simple, okay. I had two jobs (I’m never going to stop emphasizing the plurality of this. I, one sole woman, garnering two (2) incomes, was still struggling to find stable housing and working through 2 mental breakdowns and two physical ailments (my ulcers flared two times in 5 months, plus the ongoing problems with my right ankle). there are people with NO jobs who cannot work due to illness or disability, and they were struggling just the same as I was, catching the same denials for assistance, but for completely different reasons. I was denied section 8 or a housing voucher because I don't have children AND at the time, I had 2 jobs. being single with no dependents put me on a different scale of need, and thus, at a lower priority than someone with child(ren). even when it got to the most dire of straits and I thought I'd have to live in a shelter, I didn't qualify, because in the winter months, the priority is given to women with children. and to be quite frank, I would rather the children have somewhere to sleep indoors when I could, at the best, stay at a friends, and at the worst, sleep in the car.

you cannot save your way out of poverty. there is literally nothing more expensive than being poor. someone asked me "well where did all your money go?" and my honest response was "food, phone, gas, storage unit, and hotels." here's how that breaks down: — there's nowhere to cook or store food when you're homeless, so you spend a lot of money on small quantities of cheap takeout. ("maybe stop buying on frappuccinos!" is literally the most entitled thing I ever heard during that time. that one $4 tall chestnut praline frapp is not going to keep me from getting an apartment. please mind your business.) but cheap takeout isn’t really cheap, it’s more like $5-7/meal. that’s like $10-20/day, which is like $70-140/wk, which is approximately $280-560/month ON FOOD. and there’s not too much way around that. — you CANNOT let your phone get cut off when you're homeless and looking for a place. your phone is your first line of safety and defense. your phone is also how you find an apartment. your phone is also how landlords find you, as it's literally the only thing keeping you on the grid, and in places where there's only a 30-day turnaround on apartments (i.e. DC), if you miss a call/email from a property manager, you will lose the unit. — you drive literally everywhere to keep from loitering and drawing attention to yourself. as a single Black woman, looking like you're wandering makes you look suspicious, and "looking homeless" is inviting danger and harassment. I was blessed to have income, so I got a cheap 24-hr gym membership, and that was where I showered and napped (in the tanning rooms, bc they had doors that locked), and I had a 24hr gated storage unit not far from my gym where I stored interview clothes and the like. so I could park there when I just needed to wind down, or change really quickly, or whatever. (remember, looking homeless will not get you a job. grooming and upkeep were paramount to making it through. I also got REALLY good at doing my hair and making headwraps to clean up my look when I couldn’t afford a trim or it was too cold for a wash-n-go.) — my right ankle never really recovered from the two times I broke it, and as a result, when I’m in a seated position for too long, I lose circulation in it and it swells. if and when my ankle would swell beyond recognition, it would prevent me from standing, thus prevent me from working. so literally, to maintain my job, I’d have to get a hotel one or two times a month specifically so I could lay down and prop my foot up. DMV hotels are not cheap, even with a deal. you can easily spend a month's rent just trying to stay safe while you're homeless, and before you know it, there goes your security deposit. — moreover, I am single. I don’t have anyone to split bills with or carry me because I’m without. so many people in my life operate out of a place of “we” and I operate from a place of “me”, because, well… I don’t have anyone I can depend on in that way. that took a serious toll on my mental health, and that isolating feeling of having to tough it out by myself truly made me feel as though I was in 16ft hole with a 4ft ladder. I didn’t think anyone could help or understand me.. but bless God, I was so wrong.

when I would tell my friends this, they would be astonished. I was often met with "we never would have known!", but that's because I didn't talk about it, because I was ashamed. I thought being working poor and homeless was something that I'd done to myself, something that I deserved to have happen to me, something that I would honestly never be able to get myself out of. but I honestly and truly was very blessed that a) I had income, b) I worked for a company that provided me resources to keep me safe and at the very least mentally healthy while I was looking for a place, c) I had a colleague who let me stay with her rent free for 2 months without question, and later, d) a property manager and a landlord who believed in me and thought I needed a home to tell my story from. and once I realized that homelessness wasn’t a defining factor of my life, but just a shitty circumstance, it made busting out of it that much more feasible.

the last thing I learned- and this is most important- is that closed mouths/souls/minds do not get fed. no one gets out of this crap alone. once I realized that homelessness was not something I was going to be able to fight my way out of alone, I discovered that I had a pretty dope support system this entire time, and they were with me all along the way. and though they are few, I was made aware of some of the privileges I possess being a Black American Catholic woman with a strong network. nobody gets through life without the help of at least one stranger. my friends were strangers before they were my friends.. I never forget that we were all strangers until we said “hello”.

so to anyone reading this: you are not alone. I will not allow you to think that you are alone trying to get through a shitty situation. everyone’s story is different, and yours deserves to be respected and told with dignity and grace. and if you truly do need help, contact me, and I will do whatever I can to make sure you have the proper resources available to get back upright and on the road to your independence.

do not let your home insecurity snatch your dignity. do not let your home insecurity be the reason you allow someone to take your humanity. you are blessed far beyond your circumstance, and no one can ever stop what is Divinely ordained, no matter what.

I love y’all. stay safe out here.