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sleepyfan-blog · 9 days

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Adult Conversation

Author’s note: This is the fifth Bully(ing) Cato Sicarius fic series. First. Prev. Next.

Tagged: @egrets-not-regrets @the-pure-angel @gallifreyianrosearkytiorsusan @i-am-a-dragon34

Warnings: ask me to tag anything that bothers you

Summary: Cato and Titus rush you off to be checked over by the apothecary post assassination attempt. Afterwards, communication happens.

You knew that Astartes were enhanced. That they could move far faster than baseline humans. But you could swear that it took no more than a couple of seconds for the two squads of fully armed and armored Astartes led by Captain Sicarius and Lieutenant Titus to run all the way back to where Macragge's Honor was moored. A pathway had already been cleared for the two squads to thunder up the main gangplank and through the primary cargo bay of the massive ship.

What felt like another handful of moments later, Lieutenant Titus was carefully setting you down on one of the astartes-sized medical cots while one of the on-duty apothecaries walked over. "Are you injured anywhere, miss?" The apothecary asked, looking you over assessingly "Captain Sicarius informed me that you were the subject of an unsuccessful assassination attempt."

"I'm fine. The assassins were unable to get anywhere near me. Captain Sicarius saw to the immediate execution or disarmament before any of them could get within striking distance." You answer honestly as the Ultramarine apothecary moves closer, resisting the temptation to sigh. "I am a little off-put by the suddenness of the attempt, but I am in perfect health." You look up and over to where Sicarius was standing - not that he had gone far from your side. He was standing at the head of the medical cot you'd been set down on, one hand still holding tight to the pommel of the blade, his other hand close to your elbow, his gaze constantly scanning his surroundings - as if there was a chance that an assassin could get onto the flagship of the Ultramarines Chapter without being spotted and watched carefully. Titus was on your other side, one hand on his bolter, the other close to your other elbow. Both Astartes were visibly tense and unhappy. Considering how close you and Lieutenant Titus had become his reaction was understanding… But you were baffled by just how much protective wrath and worry that radiated from Captain Sicarius. You'd been under the impression that he hated you - or barely tolerated your presence as a necessary irritation.

His emotional reaction spoke to that being untrue, despite his outward statements and enjoyment of teasing you at every possible time. You reach out to both of them, squeezing Titus' hand with one of your own, and tentatively touching Sicarius' elbow, unsure as to how the… Mercurial second captain would react to your touch in such a mood. You look back at the Apothecary as you speak, not wanting to deliberately call out both of their emotional states, not wanting to provoke either one of them "As I said before, I am fine, Apothecary."

"There could have been something in those many tiny dishes that our hosts fed to us. Considering the fact that their security was either corrupted to the point of allowing twenty-four would be assassins into the event or incompetent to do the same, I would strongly recommend that you be checked for any poisons or drugs in your system that could compromise you if not caught in time." Sicarius argued, scowling a little, though he leaned into your touch.

You look to Titus, not wanting to take up any more of the Apothecary's time than you already had - you really were fine, after all! Why were the both of them overreacting so much? But the lieutenant only nodded in agreement with Sicarius' words "I agree with the captain. Please, for your own health, for our peace of mind, allow Brother Apothecary Messinius to check you over and draw your blood for testing?"

Part of you wanted to argue that all of this was wholly unnecessary, but the expressions of genuine worry on both of their faces gave you pause… And it was worrying that so many would-be assassins had managed to get into an event that should have had much better security than it did. "I… Fine. If it will put your worries to rest, I'll allow it."

Titus gave you a small smile and Sicarius relaxed a little.

"Thank you." Titus murmured, his voice going warm and gentle, reaching out and tucking a stray lock of your hair that had come undone from the updo you'd put it in while you'd been astartes-sprinted back to Macragge's Honor.

Your post assassination attempt check-up did not take long, and Apothecary Captain (why had you been brought directly to the captain of the fourth company for treatment? Surely he had better things to do than to check up on you? But Titus and Sicarius had both insisted that Messinius himself be the one to check you over, and he didn't seem to mind…) Messinius promised to alert you and whichever of the Ultramarines who were going to be guarding you in your room aboard Macragge's honor if there was anything concerning in your bloodwork. You'd wanted to protest that you didn't need guarding while on the ship, but the worried and irritated expressions on Titus and Sicarius' faces brooked no argument.

Somehow, the news that it would be both Sicarius and Titus who were going to be guarding you personally did not surprise you one bit. Nor was the fact that Titus held you carefully in his arms while Sicarius did a thorough sweep of your personal rooms just in case someone had managed to sneak aboard the ship and plant something in your rooms to try and hurt, maim or kill you. Sicarius found nothing objectionable in your room, and Titus carried you over to your bed, kneeling down as he set you down.

Titus pressed his forehead against yours, breathing in deeply before murmuring softly "I'm glad that you are whole and unharmed, my dear." He is still taller than you, despite kneeling before you on your bed, and leans down slightly, to kiss you on the lips.

SIcarius growls "Lieutenant Titus! Control yourself- step away from her!"

Titus looked over at his brother, arching a brow and pressing closer to you "I will not step away from her. Not unless you ask me to, my dear. Why you are being so willfully blind, I do not know, but now is as good a time as any for this conversation."

You blink in abject confusion. What conversation was he talking about? You were about to ask when Sicarius tackled Titus to the floor, dragging him away from you. "You kissed her!" He hisses.

"Yes, I did. I've kissed her before." The lieutenant rumbled unapologetically, resisting the other as he tried to drag him away from you "I love you, my dear. And I'm not the only one in this room who does. Why Cato is being such an ass about it, I do not know."

"He what?" You splutter, your eyes widening in shock. You wanted to dismiss Titus' words as being utterly incorrect. Considering how much Sicarius had bullied you… And in the ways that he…

But Sicarius never did allow anyone else to bully you around. Physically or verbally. He would immediately reprimand anyone else picking on you and drag any other Ultramarine off for a brutal sparring session.

… There was also the fact that Sicarius was not disagreeing with the lieutenant's assessment.

Sicarius had, in fact, gone an interesting shade of red and was scowling at the floor, even as he continued to try and drag Titus away from you "I… That's… That's completely - how dare you… I… Might have… Inappropriate… Feelings… for you, yes. But I have the self-control not to act on them."

Titus snorted, before breaking out into wry laughter "That's not true! You try to occupy as much of her attention as you can! You sulk when she pays attention to our brothers more than you, and you get really grumpy when she and I spend time together without you."

"Considering the last time I found the two of you alone together, you had your tongue down her throat, my concerns about you two spending extended periods of time together is entirely founded. And…" Sicarius hesitated, looking at you with a hard, complicated look on his face "I… May have… More intense feelings for you than… I know what to deal with. You are beautiful and lovely and soft and intelligent and maddening! I want to see you smile, I want to hear you laugh. I want to be the reason why you are happy. I want you to smile at me the way you smile at Titus. I want… I want to hold you close, hear you murmur. Get lost in your sweet scent. Feel your heartbeat against mine. When those fools rushed at you I was… For a moment I worried that they would take you away. Hurt you and send you to a place where I could not follow for long centuries and that terrified me." Sicarius admitted, breaking down as he slumped forward in Titus' hold, tears starting to form in his dark eyes. "So I was vicious and merciless to the fools who thought you take you from me. You have stolen my hearts from me, and I… I find myself… Not… Minding this. I am… Well aware of your…" He swallows hard, looking between yourself and Titus "I know about you and Titus being close and I am jealous that he has… That he can… That you allow him to…" He growls wordlessly, burying his face in his hands, taking in deep, ragged breaths, clearly trying to calm down.

Titus' hold on his captain gentles a little, less restraining and more reassuring. "Captain… You are… Really bad at processing your own feelings."

"Shut it, Titus. I'm… I'm trying!" Sicarius hissed, giving the other marine a half-hearted glower.

You slide off the bed and onto your feet, walking up to both Astartes. Even up on your tiptoes and stretching your arms up as high as they can go, you can barely touch their faces with your fingertips. You care and love Titus very much… But you also can't deny the part of you that is very much attracted to Captain Sicari… No. To Cato, as well. You'd thought that he hated you, which made dealing with your assumed one-sided crush a little bit easier. "I care for you both, very much. I am also very much aware of the fact that directly after an attempt on my life, that doing something potentially… Rash is a bad idea. I also have negotiations to attend to in the morning. We'll need to talk more about what… What each of us might want, now that everyone's feelings are out in the open. For now, all I ask of you both is if you'd like to rest with me. Tonight has been tumultuous at best, and I know I wouldn't be able to sleep at all if I'm by myself."

"One of us needs to stand guard, at least. It's standard protocol, after an assassination attempt." Cato rumbled, shaking his head a little.

"Space marines also require far less sleep than baseline humans do." Titus added, letting go of Cato and kneeling down to be closer to your level. "Would you be content if one of us holds you while you sleep, and the other guards your door? And when it is time for the other to take his rest, we'll switch off? If you're willing to hold her close, Cato."

"That would be acceptable to me." You agree with a warm and gentle smile, glancing over at the second captain, waiting for his response.

"That… That would be acceptable to me." Cato agreed, nodding jerkily.

"Cato should hold you first. He's the one who saw actual combat tonight." Titus hummed "Besides, it's going to take me time to get out of my armor, and Cato's in civies already."

You nod, and watch Cato turn an interesting shade of red. "Sounds good to me! I have a couple of things that should more or less fit both of you, if you don't wanna sleep in what you're wearing now." You'd gotten a couple of pairs of astartes sized sleeping shirts for Titus, after you and he had steadily been close with one another. Sicarius was blushing again as he nodded, not looking at you. It was endearing how flustered he is. You pull out the two large shirts, offering them out for Cato to choose between.

Cato looks at both of the silk shirts, taking the dark blue sleeping shirt with a gruff "Thank you." before heading off to your en-suite bathroom to change. You hum softly as you pull out a set of sleep wear of your own to wear, waiting for him to be done. You wanted to wash your face of the make up you were wearing, and cleaning wipes only did so much. Cato doesn't take long in the bathroom, and steps out, his well-muscled legs on display as he walked over to your bed, settling down on it as you head over to the bathroom.

You quickly finish your nightly ablutions and find that Titus is standing watch at the door. while Cato is still laying down on your bed. You walk over to bed and slide under the covers, curling into Cato's warm, firm chest, a tired yawn leaving you as you cuddle into him, as you mumble out a tired "Thank you."

"… Thank you, my lady." He murmurs back, pressing a kiss to your hair, his large hands pulling you in close, one hand lightly coming to rest on your hip, the other lightly touching the middle of your back as you quickly fall asleep in his arms.

#warhammer 40k #my writing #lieutenant titus #captain cato sicarius #x reader #reader insert #fem reader #captain messinius

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it-was-funeral-grey · 6 months

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Moving nowhere (Al Haitham x F!Reader)

Masterlist Part 5 Part 6 Part 7(wip!)

Summary: you’re finally back home, so things should be back to normal, right?

Warnings: reader's parents (mother and father), anxious reader, a scream, blood, death (not F!reader or al haitham)

Word count: <3.4k

Inspired by: -

Author's note: i'm back! i'm thinking of setting up a writing schedule, and make writing a habit again.

Please give criticism! Also, if i missed any warnings, do tell me so i can add them!

Up until a month ago, owning books for personal use was against the Akademiya's rules. So, things like storybooks and guidebooks weren't a thing that most people grew up with. Books were considered items only used by Akademiya students or teachers (and record keepers)- untouchable and unnecessary for the common folk. Who needed books, anyway? The Akasha Terminal had everything, after all.

Oh, but you were different. And so much better off for it, so you'd like to believe.

Your mother was a trader- a rather adventurous one, at that. Instead of trading by Port Ormos, waiting for business to come her way, she'd set sail with her wares to the seven nations. And when she came home, she brought back all sorts of souvenirs.

One day, after a particularly long trip to Liyue, she came home carrying a mysterious brown squarish thing.

"They call this a book," your mother had told you, gently placing the item in your hands as she closed the door behind her. "Open it and take a look!"

Taking the item from your mother, you slowly turned it in your hands, running a finger along its unbound side- the concaved, pressed pages bound by leather.

"Records of... Jun- no, Jui-"

"Records of Jueyun," your mother corrected. "It's a storybook."

"What's that?"

"Why don't you open it?"

You cautiously pulled the hardcover and were greeted by pages upon pages of writing. But these writings were different from the passages you had to read at the village school.

Words- both new and familiar, were placed together in ways you have never seen before, creating beautiful pictures in your mind.

"...The merciful Geo Archon granted their request and made them as such. The end."

"Wait! That's it?!" you exclaim, desperately trying to find another page to turn. But all there was the brown, empty book cover. "That's all?"

"This is only the first volume," Your mother chuckled, patting your head gently as she took the book back. "I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'll try to bring the next one another time, alright?"

"...Alright, but can I keep it?" you reached out, trying to take the book.

There was a pause from your mother as she pulled the book away from your reaching hands.

"Pleaseee?"

"Only if you promise to keep this a secret, alright?" Your mother squatted to your eye level, her tone serious. "You have to keep this book a secret, ok? No one can know that we have this."

"Yes! I will!"

"Alright, now go put the book at the bottom of your toy box. And then let's go help Daddy cook some dinner!"

At that time, your enthusiasm distracted you from the seriousness in your mother's tone. As a young child, you didn't think about why you weren't allowed to tell anyone about your new possession- or why your mother had removed her Akasha Terminal when she spoke of the book. All you could think of were brave stone beasts and a magical land called "Liyue".

As tough as it was, you managed to keep the secret until the Matra barged into your home many years later (though the Personal Books Act was abolished by then). In those years, however, your obsession with books only grew- and was wholly encouraged by your parents. You learned how to read and to learn through reading. As a result, the Akasha Terminal you had received from the Akademiya when you turned 18 had been useless to you- what could it tell you that your precious books could not? The information you wanted was sometimes beyond what your credentials allowed you anyway. Besides, you loved the process of reading and reading and reading even more before you finally found what you wanted to know. What was the point of having information beamed into your mind when you could learn that and way more through books and research?

"The world doesn't just consist of Sumeru," your mother had told you two years later on the day you moved out with your secret massive (and illegal) collection of books. "Go, look further than Vimara Village. Explore! Your books can only tell you so much."

"I know, Mum," your voice strains as you place a crate packed with books shrouded in cloth into your new home. In the interest of saving money, you hadn't moved far- just about a kilometre from your parents' house. It's a little bigger than your family home, which means more places for you to store (hide) your books. "But Liyue's Law School is expensive, and I want to save up as much as I can for it."

"You're an intelligent young woman," your father dusts off his hands. "I'm sure there are bursaries and scholarships that you can apply for. And if money is an issue-"

"Thank you, Dad, but it's fine. I want to be able to go there using my own money- if I don't learn to save and make my own Mora, when will I ever learn how to?"

"We understand, dear," your mother sighs, looking at you. "We just don't want you to waste your youth away toiling away when you could go to Liyue and learn and enjoy yourself now. You'll have all the time in Teyvat to work when you're older."

"And what I want is for the two of you to enjoy your retirement and explore Teyvat," you smile at your mother. "Don't worry about me! I'll learn lots from the work experience! It's like you always say, Mum..."

"Book learning alone is not enough to cultivate intelligence. All those scholars from the Akademiya are prime examples."

If you're being honest, you don't want to leave your house. But if you don't head out now, you'll miss the only opportunity to buy groceries from Bahram until tomorrow morning. You don't think the onion (half an onion- Al Haitham ate the other half) from yesterday can sustain you till then.

You shut the door again, sighing as you stretched your sprained ankle. It doesn't hurt as much as yesterday, thankfully. But your stomach does, as it growls yet again.

One more minute. One more minute, and you'll head out.

You stare at your feet as you clutch your door handle, pulling it slightly open again. 60, 59, 58…

Your heart pounds. For some reason, the sounds outside your door seem sharper now. You hear every footstep, every laugh, every shuffle-

40, 39, 38…

There are people outside. So, so many people.

The moment you step out, you know you'll be under fire. Everyone thinks you had kidnapped the Acting Grand Sage, after all.

What are they saying about you now?

30, 29, 28…

Your reputation is probably in shambles right now. Getting arrested was pretty much social suicide. Falsely accused or not, it doesn't matter. The village gossipers don't care.

Maybe it's better to stay at home. No one can see you here. You can't hear the things they'll say about you here.

They'll all stare at you if you go out. Angry, disgusted stares. All pointed at you.

20, 19, 18…

Yeah. Home doesn't sound too bad. Food? Technically, paper is made from trees, yes? And trees are kind of like vegetables. You'll have a damn healthy diet if you eat your books. Thankfully, you have no shortage of them.

10, 9, 8…

Yep. Home is where the heart is, and your bookshelf can be your new food pantry.

5, 4, 3…

You remove your hand from the handle. One light push and your door will close- shutting you from the world.

You'll be safe.

You'll be alone.

You place your hand back on the handle, ready to push.

2, 1-

But just as you are about to push, fingers wrap around the edge of the open door and push back against you, forcing the door wide open.

Zero.

Al Haitham was supposed to head back immediately after settling things with Dilawar. That was the plan. He had no time to waste hanging around anywhere other than his office.

That was the plan.

Thanks to her directions, he managed to find Dilawar's house not long after he left her home. He had pounded on the man's door relentlessly till he opened up.

And when he finally did, Al Haitham went off.

Al Haitham had let him know the full extent of his frustrations regarding the lack of response to his letters. And let Dilawar know how appalled he was when he came to the port to find it completely deserted- how could he, the main trade supervisor, let that happen?

"But Acting Grand Sage Al Haitham, be reasonable! There was nothing for the workers to do-"

"It is one thing to cut down on staff. It is a whole other thing to call it quits the moment things go south and lay everyone off," Al Haitham ranted. "I sent the first letter three months ago a day after the Port Ormos crash. The fact that I heard nothing back- and that I found that letter completely unread and on your desk alongside the others in your office shows that you immediately abandoned your post," Al Haithan sighed heavily. "According to the reports I received, merchant ships were still coming in when the Wikala Funduq shut down. Trade could have still gone on- however inefficiently- had you and Ms Gauhar not caved."

It wasn't like Al Haitham to go on and on like this about things that have already happened and cannot be changed. But he can't help it. The Port Ormos issue has been one of his biggest headaches that has been going on for three months now. And all because two flimsy trade supervisors can't do their job right the moment their Akasha Terminals couldn't help them. The reason for the Port Ormos Crash was internal- which made him all the more upset.

By the time Al Haitham finished dealing with Dilawar, night had fallen. He was exhausted- but not so much that he would have taken Dilawar's guest room. All he wants is to recharge in peace. Alone. In silence.

Turning the noise cancellation on his earpieces, he slowly walked out of Dilawar's house and turned towards the village dock. But just as he looked ahead to see where he was going, he saw something glowing softly below in the distance.

Squinting his eyes, Al Haitham took a step forward- what in Teyvat is that? Now that he thinks about it, won't this direction head towards her home? All he'll have to do is take the slope back down, and she'll be right there.

Ah, wait. That is her home- and if he focuses hard enough, he can see that whatever is glowing is coming from her home. The pieces start to click- it's candlelight. She's lighting candles around her home. The Matra destroyed everything- even her lanterns.

Peering over the ledge, Al Haitham silently observes a single, flickering orange orb float from one end of her home to another- slowly illuminating room by room in a gentle glow. It's so much easier on the eye than the other houses with obnoxiously bright white lanterns.

Through the now backlit curtains, he sees her silhouette- and he watches her as she blows out the candle in her hand. He watches her graceful movements as she slowly makes her way across the room, running her hands along what he recalls to be one of her bookshelves- the one where she told him to place her law books.

She runs a finger slowly down the spine of one of her books, and Al Haitham feels a shiver go down his- snapping him out of whatever trance he was stuck in.

Archons, he must be exhausted. What is he, a creep? Staring at someone in their own home??

Gathering himself, he looks around. It's 15-minute walk back to the dock. With no guarantee that there's anyone still awake to take him back to Sumeru City.

Might as well spend the night here. The more he entertained the thought, the more appealing it sounded.

Oh, whatever, Al Haitham caves. He's too tired, and the ambience is too comfortable to resist. Finding what seems to be a nice tree, he settles himself down, leaning his head against the solid wooden bark as he watches the gentle glow of the distant candlelights lull him to sleep.

And if his eyes ever drifted to the woman still picking out a book to read? Well, that'll be a secret between him and imaginary Kaveh (unfortunately).

"Are you alright?"

Out of anyone who you thought would bust into your house today, he wasn't one of them. You were expecting more of an angry mob- or one of those angry-Acting-Grand-Sage-fanatic that had missed the notice that you were innocent and was going to kill you in revenge for kidnapping the Acting Grand Sage (yeah, you've read too many Mondstadt romance novels).

"Al Haitham?" you stabilise yourself, taking a step towards him. "What are you doing here?"

"Can I come in?"

"Ah, of course," you say, realising at that moment that the now fully open door left you fully exposed to the outside world. "Come on in!" You invite, before promptly shutting the door behind him.

He's carrying something, you notice as you turn back to face him. Alongside his overnight bag, he's got a paper bag filled with stuff.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yes," he replies calmly, looking around your home- his eyes lingering along a candlestand attached to your wall. "I just came by to pass you these," he hands over the paper bag to you. "Some groceries."

"Oh, you shouldn't have-"

"If I haven't, would you have gone out to get them yourself?" Al Haitham interrupts. "I saw you hover your door for over an hour."

"Ah, you saw that," you respond sheepishly.

"I did. You opened the door just to close it every time."

"Well..."

"What are you afraid of?" Al Haitham cocks his head towards the door. "Your neighbours?"

When you don't reply, Al Haitham sighs.

"How's your ankle?" He changes the subject, motioning for you to sit on the couch.

"It's much better than yesterday! Just a bit of aching, but I'm fine," you reply hastily, grateful for the subject change. You don't want to talk about what could be awaiting you outside your door.

"That's good," Al Haitham sits opposite you, glancing at the book you've left on the armrest. "'Sumeru Law 203". I'm impressed you managed to get ahold of an Akademiya textbook."

"Oh!" Now this, you want to want to talk about. You've never had anyone to enthuse with about your book collection before. "I bought it from an Akademiya student passing by Port Ormos a couple of years ago! He kept saying that he wanted to quit and was throwing a whole fit at the docks!" you chuckle, remembering the scene. You had tried to calm him and encourage him, but it seemed his mind was made up, so you offered to buy the book from him. It took quite a bit of convincing since it was very illegal for Akademiya-associated individuals to sell their books to non-Akademiya individuals. But when you showed the student that you were willing to pay quite the sum, his determination wavered and eventually gave in.

"You're very lucky the Matra found you after the Personal Book Act was abolished," Al Haitham looks at your packed bookshelves as he flips to a page in the textbook. "All these books would have given you... at least a fifteen-year sentence- and your textbooks," he gives the one he holds a little shake in your direction while glancing at you, "would have been a separate sentence- easily ten years per book and-"

"The sentences would have been ordered to run consecutively, not concurrently," you finish his line. He looks up from the book, and you think he almost looks impressed. "I have seven Akademiya textbooks. In total, I would have sat in jail for no less than eighty-five years."

"...That's right."

"I could have spent an entire lifetime behind bars."

"You could have."

"Do you think I was stupid, then? To take a risk just to read books when I could have asked the Akasha Terminal and have all the knowledge beamed into my head instead?"

Al Haitham shuts the book gently and hands it back to you. His response is almost immediate.

"No. If anything, I think you are all the more brilliant for doing so."

Al Haitham spends the rest of the morning chatting with her about books. He gave his honest comments on those he had read before and took note of the ones she recommended. It was refreshing, to say the least.

This was the first time he'd ever spoken to someone so enthusiastic about reading. Any reader he had come across before this were all Akademiya students- who mostly did read begrudgingly just so they could say they fulfilled their book annotation coursework in the House of Daena. The only other person who even had the slightest chance of matching her current enthusiasm was Kaveh- and he didn't even like reading as much as he liked spewing out his opinions in whatever architecture book he was annotating.

But her- she enjoyed it, reading. She liked getting confused by the words, and looking them up in a (Al Haitham hardly gets surprised by anything, but this did) actual, paper dictionary. She likes jumping back pages to re-read that one sentence she did not understand, but they referenced it later so she has to. She liked finding out that one book said this, and the other said that- so she could think about both and try to figure out which made more sense to her.

The effort. The focus. The occasional paper cut. She loved all of it.

It was a whole experience watching her talk about what she had read. Hearing what she thought about it- telling her what he thought about it- pushing each other's horizons just that little bit further.

He loved it.

"I mean, I think it's valid for Risha to think like that," she states, pointing out a passage in a novel. They had moved on from non-fiction to fiction- from the bookshelf near the main door to the one at the back wall. "But her reaction wasn't justified- Ona doesn't deserve that at all! She didn't know!"

"I agree," Al Haitham prepares to rebut. "But-"

A shrill scream pierces through the calm atmosphere, and she nearly falls out of her seat.

"What happened?!"

"It sounds like it's coming from the houses above," Al Haitham hears a flurry of footsteps leading towards the slope. "Let's go."

By the time you reach the top of the slope, you're not far behind Al Haitham. Panting, you look up. Everyone's gathered around Mr Dilawar's house- and is someone crying?

"Get behind me," Al Haitham whispers to you. "Is your ankle-"

"My ankle's fine. I'm just- just out of shape," you pant. "That's Mr Dilawar's house."

"I met him there yesterday," Al Haitham slowly pushes past the crowd. "I stayed with him till the late evening, before I-"

"What-"

You've suddenly spun around, facing away from the house.

"Al Haitham?! What are you-" You turn your head to face back, but he blocks your vision with a quick step.

"How comfortable are you with blood?"

"Blood? What do you mean-"

"Human blood. In large quantities."

A shiver goes down your spine.

"Al Haitham, what happened to Mr Dilawar?"

Just as Al Haitham was about to reply, a loud voice from the house yelled at the crowd to give way. You step aside, guided by Al Haitham, as a makeshift stretcher quickly carries something covered by a red-stained tarp away from his house. The smell is unmistakable- it's blood.

You turn to face the house, and this time Al Haitham doesn't block you. You're instantly greeted by a world of red- which you're sure extends further into his house if only you have the guts to check.

"Who was the last person to see him?" A man sobs- Mr Azmas. "That must be who killed my brother! Find him now! Get the Matra!"

"I met him there yesterday," Al Haitham had pushed past the crowd. "I stayed with him till the late evening, before I-"

You have a bad feeling about this. A shiver, now threatening to break into full-blown trembling threatens to take over your body as you turn to face the green-clad man slowly.

"Al Haitham, what happened with Mr Dilawar?"

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dorianwolfforest · 8 months

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I’m not saying I want SSE to change ms holdsworth. If this is her design now, fine. Whatever. Im furious, but fine.

What I would want is for SSE to have a conversation internally about how they prioritized the streamlining process for background NPC’s no one is going to care about (especially when that was unnecessary because they already have two skinny, tall, old women skeletons to use for those NPC’s) over the already present inclusivity.

Make excuses all you want, a deliberate choice was made. There was a priority, and that priority led to the erasure of a character’s representation, representation that is already overlooked in media.

I could shout about how bad sso feminism is all year, and I know I would get no response because sse fully believe they are the pinnacle of feminism in modern gaming. So instead I really, really need them to prove it to me this time.

In a society that shuns and hates fat women. In a society that see disabled people as obstacles to be avoided. You have fallen into the exact same traps and are upholding the exact same beliefs. So talk about it. Acknowledge that this was a misstep. Apologize and tell us you will try to do better. Prove that you are women positive, and that representation is important to you as a company.

I am reminded of when Ubisoft animation director told Polygon in an interview that animating a female lead for their assassins creed games would be “too much work”, and I promise you the people at SSE were clapping each other on the back, congratulating each other on not being Like That when that news dropped. They cheered each other on for being the peak of inclusivity, for considering everyone and giving every body a place on jorvik. And now we are fed the same excuse, but targeted at minorities that are even further overlooked.

To then sidestep critique entirely and focus on the fact that they made her taller is infuriating. Yes, she should have a slightly hunched back. Not all old ladies are going to have the posture of a Barbie princess. But that’s not the issue and I feel like they know it’s not the issue. It’s more of that PR shit where you acknowledge the criticism, but in such a way that someone who does not know anything about the criticism will not be able to pick up on what they’re getting shit for, thus reducing the damage.

This isn’t a graphics update where you can just shrug and say “those kids, always yelling about the old graphics” this is you making a, frankly malicious, decision as a company because you’ve deemed a group of people too inconvenient. Ms holdsworth IS important enough to be unique. And if she ISNT important enough, who is? Is Linda going to be the only fat NPC left on jorvik once you’re done while everyone else shares the same 3 body types?

Furthering that point, fat background NPC’s can and should exist. Ms holdsworth does not need to be wholly unique. It is disheartening to know that all old people in sso, no matter their importance, are going to share the same 3 skinny bodies. That fucking sucks.

#sso #ssoblr #sso ideas #I swear if they make a default old male NPC that is fat for characters like Jasper and the mayors #but the women have to be skinny #I’ll kill.#I need the sso devs on tumblr to talk to the teams. please. I’m beg.

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snezenie · 5 months

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utsugi and minoru: the divorce manifesto

longform analysis about noriyuki utsugi and minoru harada's relationship, as i see it. there's a lot of room for interpretation in their relationship, so of course these are my thoughts only.

contains spoilers for the full series.

word count: ~7,800

outline: i. the completion of each other ii. a deep and mutual understanding iii. the emphasis of their cruelty iv. the concealment of their kindness v. family and cycles vi. other allusions vii. conclusion

part one: equality and lack there of

1a. utsugi-kun, did you fuck my wife?

'jealousy' is a big theme with these two— generally in the context of utsugi's interactions with rai and hajime, as described by minoru.

their interpersonal relationships are the greatest source of their conflicts, as is clear with all their arguing and sniping at one another in the base game. there are two clear 'pairs' that become intertwined with one another: rai and minoru, and hajime and utsugi.

utsugi is someone who finally felt needed, the only thing he’d ever wanted, and then it's slowly taken from him as hajime becomes less willing to depend on utsugi. utsugi had uprooted his entire life to follow hajime, and he considers hajime's life and happiness to be his sole goal in life. it's natural to become agitated when it starts to become obvious that he might be unnecessary.

minoru states in the base game that utsugi is jealous of him, and that in some way minoru seems to have occupied that role as someone that hajime does depend on. but is this true?

utsugi never mentions that he thinks hajime likes minoru more, or that he's jealous of minoru in his monologues. these plain descriptions of his inner thoughts are some of the only things about him that can be taken completely at face value, there's no reason to act to his own self. he mentions his various grievances with minoru, so why does jealous never come up?

utsugi isn't jealous of minoru, that's why. minoru wants them to have a symmetrical relationship, something easily explained: utsugi has what i want, but i have what utsugi wants. so naturally i am jealous of utsugi and utsugi must be jealous of me.

(this is a work in progress edit i'll come back to, but i just wanted to edit out that utsugi was jealous of minoru because it has little canon backing and i think it's incorrect. i stopped edits here and will process the rest of the essay later)

a similar situation happens with minoru’s family: utsugi is more of a father to haruki than minoru was, and minoru explicitly recognizes this a few times. utsugi helps haruki with homework, calls him a good boy, and they sit together and sip juice. in contrast, minoru can hardly talk to haruki without losing his temper.

his complicated feelings towards utsugi and haruki's relationship are clearly illustrated in his outburst in the train station, where he frantically tells haruki that he is his father, not hajime or utsugi. his final actions speak to the fact that he did want to continue to act as haruki’s father, and yet his own fears and selfishness won out, burying those feelings.

the same unnatural setup can be observed in the complicated way rai, minoru, and utsugi’s relationship develops. rai makes multiple choices to the detriment of the family in order to stay on utsugi’s good side and appease him, and minoru himself is kept in the dark about haruki long past when utsugi understands everything. this creates a feeling of isolation from his own family, and utsugi manages to ‘replace’ him wholly in some ways, where both haruki and rai are placing higher importance on their relationship with utsugi than they do minoru. minoru shows keen awareness in retrospect that he was more deeply in love with rai than she was with him, likely adding to this insecurity.

hajime’s importance to utsugi is clear-cut, as the one who brought purpose and light to his life for the first time. while the isoi’s importance to minoru is underlined by the mundanity of his ambitions. he wants to be happy, he wants a family and friends, he wants for everyone to get along. there is no grand higher purpose for minoru. this desire for a mundane, happy family is possibly inspired by his original orphaning, where both parents blamed minoru in part for their issues before leaving his life entirely.

and relating to minoru's upbring, there are also multiple points in the game where the concept of affairs and cheating comes up, strengthening the existing concept of jealousy and insecurities within marriage. most prominently, minoru questions if utsugi likes rai in the reference room scene of DLC. to utsugi, to the viewer, to rai, this sounds like complete laughable nonsense. but minoru seems to ask it seriously, showing the depths to which he has started to question his importance to his family. it’s emphasized that he wasn’t merely asking this in jest when utsugi laughs in response and minoru seems confused by the reaction.

further references include that it comes up that both the harada and isoi families previously had incidents with their mothers cheating, shown as a symptom of the crumbling marriage. and again, minoru brings up an affair when affirming that haruki is his kid to hajime in a flashback scene in chapter 7 of the base game. (“unless rai had an affair! it's unmistakably my child!!”)

minoru’s feelings about rai and utsugi are never addressed as explicitly as minoru’s feelings about haruki and fatherhood, but this concept has come up too many times to be mere coincidence. minoru probably, at least momentarily in times of insecurity or irrationality, considered the idea that rai and utsugi might have something between them. considering how obvious utsugi’s single-minded devotion to hajime is (and minoru knew this!), it is a rather insane leap of logic. but minoru doesn't tend to make smart decisions, especially under duress. many of his ill-fated decisions in game are led by his human fallibility. most prominently, he misses his window to escape with haruki and reiji in 1999 because he goes back to sleep after receiving the text to move up the plan.

he wasn't ignorant or blind to utsugi’s devotion to hajime, it's just that his own insecurity, jealousy, and confusion over utsugi’s sudden changes in attitude bred hesitant, impossible possibilities in his mind. he has been so completely replaced in importance to both his wife and his son, his family being the only thing he ever wanted, that he doesn't know how to cope with it.

both minoru and utsugi’s most important relationships are fraught with insecurity over the other, and thus we can see how they complete what the other longs for. utsugi slots into the isoi family naturally as minoru’s relationships with his wife and son splinters. while minoru shows hajime a simple way to live happily and without expectations, utsugi continuing to unsuccessfully execute on what he believes are hajime’s wishes, ultimately just burdening hajime further.

1b. the one who knew everything and the one who knew nothing

their positions of power and authority mirror each other in similar ways: utsugi is clearly jealous of minoru’s apparent easy, unburdened existence while minoru wishes for the power utsugi has.

utsugi's complex is shown best when utsugi responds to minoru in the reference room: describing his demeanor as selfish, disrespectful, and ignorant. he's frustrated that minoru can continue living obliviously, even as utsugi himself is the one facilitating this state as he keeps minoru in the dark about many things. as an aside, utsugi also adds ‘without malice’ to the end of this description, showing how he knows that minoru is not purposely staying ignorant and riling up utsugi with his apparent carelessness.

at the same time, minoru is also feeling the stress and problems of the failing institute and his own crumbling family. it’s not inaccurate to call minoru ignorant, but utsugi exaggerates the depth to which minoru doesn’t understand. minoru repeatedly calls out the problems and failings he clearly sees, even, but he lacks the power to execute any real change. as an example, he calls for the removal of utsugi and the recognition of the crimes of the institute in the scene where utsugi orders him to leave, and no one takes him seriously.

to bring it full circle, utsugi is the one who holds the power and authority to act on solutions to minoru’s concerns. he also has all the information and understanding that minoru lacks on multiple people close to him, including hajime, utsugi himself, and his family. he stands as the archbishop of EHRI and the main executor of hajime’s will, so it is utsugi who is pushing EHRI chiefly along its dark path. for the most part hajime takes the role of a passive observer, minoru is an outsider, and all the other bishops answer to utsugi, who answers to the sponsors.

to further explore how that difference in status and authority shapes their dynamic, minoru’s status as an outsider establishes him as more equal to utsugi than anyone else in the game. the previously talked through mutual jealousy and give-and-take relationship between them supports this, putting them on the equal level of both having things of value to each other.

in thinking through utsugi’s other close relationships, it's obvious to think of hajime first. of course, utsugi is revealed to never have bought into hajime’s status as a savior. but even then he treats hajime with a carefulness and fragility that keeps their relationship from being one of mutual reliance and equal footing. he doesn't feel he can tell hajime of his struggles due to his devotion to appearing as an infallible support for hajime.

hajime aside, most everyone else in EHRI (excluding seodore, minoru, and some of the other sponsors/stakeholders) sees utsugi in the highest position of power and authority. he builds a powerful persona, and gradually we see the other members of EHRI call him ‘utsugi-sama’ more so than ‘utsugi-kun,’ showing his evolution into someone who is no longer equal and approachable to the others. meanwhile, minoru never changes the honorific, and even wishes to drop it entirely, but utsugi insists on it due to his upbringing.

that minoru has neither bought into utsugi's persona (perhaps because he remembers how utsugi was when they first met: awkward, unconfident, reticent,) nor is a worshiper that utsugi has direct power over, nor a sponsor with direct influence over utsugi means he sees things more clearly. he exists somewhere completely outside the power structure of EHRI, where he can see utsugi for who he is.

many of the other researchers we see (the enomotos, rai) don’t seem to quite be unaware of how utsugi is deteriorating, but they do seem to not have the mental capacity to do anything when their own problems are consuming them. rai in particular explicitly struggles with feeling the need to please utsugi, which places them in an unequal, vertical relationship where she cannot speak her true mind or ask him to depend on her.

1c. love languages

they invert each other in ways of taking action and expressing themselves: utsugi’s motivations and care are impactful, but quite silent and unsaid, while minoru talks loudly without being able to back it up with action.

minoru calls out that utsugi cared for those around him when he could (when it didn’t conflict with hajime’s will) and with a little investigating, the viewer can also pick up on this notion. subtle things like utsugi allowing noa to blame him for killing rai, when the clear culprits of rai’s death were always seodore and noa herself. or that utsugi tried to create an exit for the isoi family both by proposing the plan of a second child and by using haruki to research the reversal of cells. and most pertinently to this post: that utsugi is so jealous and angry of minoru’s constant ignorance, but refrains from harming him, even purposely keeping him in the darkness for minoru’s own happiness.

utsugi only ties his own hands when caring for others would directly interfere with hajime’s wishes, which gives rise to things like haruki’s original existence as an experiment (as a note, even then hajime’s regret of this situation may have played into utsugi’s willingness to reverse it.)

but even then, he does his best to play around the lines and shows reluctance in carrying out harm. this is illustrated best by how, in one of his dlc monologues, he wanted haruki to have a negative reaction to the cells. this puts EHRI out a potential experiment, arguably hurting hajime’s dream. but a negative reaction would keep utsugi from having to navigate the potential situation of a positive reaction, which would surely be difficult for the isoi family. in most, if not all of these situations, utsugi's thoughts and actions are not seen as mercies by anyone involved. utsugi never presents them this way, nor does he ever asks for gratitude from the people he helps.

we can similarly see utsugi’s silent affection for and remembrance of minoru persist until modern day, with several hints in the base game about their relationship. utsugi holds onto minoru’s books, keeping them in a backroom without disposing of them. the room behind utsugi’s statue is also minoru’s old room from before he was married, and not only does utsugi preserve it, but he blocks it off so no one would enter it. it can be confirmed as minoru's room when hajime reads a note from minoru in the room in a flashback in the base game, as well as the shape and set-up being the same when it appears in minoru's dlc. the furniture in it is likely different from minoru’s room in the flashbacks because he took his furniture with him after he moved out with the isoi family, but it has not been repurposed.

utsugi also clearly remembers many things about minoru– his demeanor, how his sign feels, his appearance– and uses all these to easily identify reiji and haruki as his sons. when he’s blinded in his boss fight, he remembers how minoru’s sign ‘feels’ enough to believe that he is fighting him (when it is in actuality his sons.) with utsugi’s deteriorating mental state after 1999, it would’ve been natural for utsugi to forget minoru inadvertently or on purpose, but it seems like he makes a conscious effort to remember his friend after their split.

to compare their mindsets, utsugi is extremely private and single-minded. he decides on things with little hesitation, and never ruminates on what could have been or what went wrong until everything is over and done. this is best illustrated in how we never see him breathe a negative word of hajime until they both lay dying.

he also insists on having no regrets, even when the only audience to his words is his own self. this is clearly contradicted when he shows clear distress and desire to start over multiple times, most clearly in his second fight with minoru in 1999 and in the reference room scene. but in asserting to himself that he has no regret, he can better stay focused on what really matters instead of wallowing in the past.

minoru is the opposite, being someone who talks a lot about what is wrong and what he wants to do, but either can’t or won’t take action. he is unable to commit to the same decisive choices as utsugi.

in the case of can’t take action, his status as an outsider keeps him from enacting real change in EHRI, even as he points out its flaws repeatedly and loudly. he has no real power and thus his words are all he has.

in the case of won’t, it is shown best in the reference room scene with utsugi. minoru is angrily insistent that utsugi confide further in him and help him understand his situation and struggles, but he only maintains this sentiment up to a point. utsugi pushes back hard, feeling that minoru’s words are useless and would not help him. ironically, this proves true as minoru swiftly backs down from his previous words after utsugi starts choking him. of course, it’s understandable to be afraid or want to escape this situation, but it shows a clear line where minoru will go back upon his word when pushed past.

in contrast, utsugi lacks this same bottom line. he is subjected to many counts of violence and pain while fulfilling his promise to hajime, but doesn’t ever think of giving up on their promise. utsugi avoids lying to others in the beginning (possibly as a side effect from the pain of being accused of being a liar in his youth when he was telling the truth) and he prefers silence over promising anything he cannot.

he becomes much more comfortable lying and acting a role as time goes on, but in the 70’s and 80’s his word is trustable. one solid example is how, in 1999 in the train station, he refuses to promise anyone’s safety to noa besides hajime’s, despite her pleas. as someone who tried to treat others well, it would make sense to lie to her to put her fears to rest, but utsugi refuses to speak untrue promises.

this difference in conviction is also what respectively saves and dooms them. it’s merely possible that if minoru had committed to taking action and causing change that he could have saved his friends and family at EHRI; however, it is unmistakable and undeniable that his ability to walk away is what actually saves him. utsugi similarly is capable/able of walking out, especially in 1999 when the organization is in shambles, but his intense conviction and loyalty to hajime holds him back and ultimately takes him to his ruin.

in a game very centrally about the power of ‘will’ this feels significant and should be a good thing, but under a different lens it can also be seen as a passive role. utsugi never tries to re-assess his and hajime’s wishes and change his path to fit a more accurate dream. he never has the courage to abandon his doomed love to pursue a new one, whereas you can say that minoru does find that courage, to great success in ultimately finding his place with LDL.

part two: the one who understood me the best

while minoru and utsugi’s relationship is not free of the facades, misunderstandings, and miscommunications that color so many relationships in this series, there is a deep understanding between them. perhaps brought about by the clarity of existing as equals.

utsugi explicitly calls out that minoru understood him the most in the end, and even as their relationship was in tatters, minoru is the only character utsugi confides in of his own free will. all other confessions of truth and struggles we get from utsugi are either done privately or inadvertently. he willingly tells seodore of his devotion to hajime, but it lacks the same desperation and vulnerability as utsugi hasn't had to kill and experiment on others yet.

utsugi’s understanding of minoru in turn is a less clear cut subject, due to the fact that minoru is more of an open book in general, and more characters know his pain. the position of understanding utsugi is a unique one, but multiple people empathize with minoru.

minoru speaks sardonically to cover up his stress and puts on a happy facade a lot of the time, but it’s still far from how deep utsugi has isolated himself. minoru at the least confides in multiple people and is more willing to confront issues directly in order to draw out a solution.

their understanding of each other is not a perfect understanding, and this series shows well how difficult it is to achieve a perfect understanding while possessing all the natural baggage of communicating and existing. so these two inevitably misunderstand several key things about each other. their relationship is one of two people who understand each other the 'most', but this understanding still falls quite short of perfection.

utsugi himself seems to fall for minoru’s apparent happy/care-free facade, as discussed earlier. utsugi isn’t ignorant to the issues of the isoi family, considering how much he does behind the scenes to patch things up for them (getting rai to have a second kid and leave, wanting haruki to have a negative reaction are two solid ones, and there are more actions that can be debatably attributed to the same motive) but he still doesn’t think minoru understands the gravity of his and utsugi’s situations. it’s true, in a sense, that minoru has deeply false impressions of/has been withheld information of characters like hajime, utsugi, and rai. but utsugi over-emphasizes minoru’s ignorance and carefreeness, since he is seeing it in direct contrast to his own heavy burdens.

these two only begin to approach the deep and near-perfect understanding of each other when they hit bottom together in 1999.

2a. their mutual suffering

minoru gives up any sort of facade after the events of 1999, he’s lost everything and desires nothing anymore, so there’s no need to pretend. utsugi sees this and even directly brings this change about with how cruelly and falsely he presents minoru with the trashbags (representing rai and reiji’s remains, but there was nothing in them.)

in my opinion, it can be read that utsugi’s cruelty here was a rather malicious attempt to finally bring minoru to ‘reality’ and see his oblivious facade drop (except, it wasn’t a facade to utsugi) for his own reasons. reasons of disliking seeing him smiling all the time, reasons of wanting them to share in mutual misery, reasons of wanting him to understand the full situation, any of them or multiple could work here.

the end result is the same, utsugi finally gets the satisfaction of seeing minoru taking something ‘seriously.’ and he understands that minoru too is capable of pain.

their mutual understanding is high at this point; that both of them reach rock bottom at the same time is significant. they lose the people who are most important to them at the same time, and struggle with finding their new purpose and reason to live. minoru walks away, and utsugi continues with the same path as always. the consequences of this are clearly shown when minoru finds happiness and a new family but utsugi just falls deeper into his lies and violence.

they fight twice in 1999: the first time is with fists, the most human and least lethal force they possess. they do injure each other (utsugi leaving sanemitsu’s famous and enduring head scar here) but it is a deeply human scene: both of them ineffectually lashing out in their misery at someone who had little immediate causation of their pain.

the series has established that man-made things like guns and fists are ‘more human’ and ‘honorable’ (through jabuchi’s own ruminations on how he wanted to kill his coworkers and nina) whereas using empyrean abilities is ‘monstrous.’ minoru mentions this is the only time he sees utsugi use his fists, and that this is the most desperate and human he's ever seen utsugi.

but that first fight is the part where utsugi brings minoru down to ‘reality’ by presenting him with the apparent remains of his wife and only surviving son, and we don’t see the full extent of utsugi’s regret and turmoil until the second fight.

utsugi’s motives for saving, confining, and later chasing and fighting minoru in 1999 feel ambiguous, the best clues we have are a set of lines right before the conclusion of their fight. utsugi laments the state minoru has ended up in, going on to doubt his own humanity and then lament the feelings minoru left him with.

utsugi makes reference to still being human, and killing minoru while he still maintains that humanity. how i interpreted these was utsugi believing that he may lose control to the cells in the future, and wanting to kill minoru ‘as a human’ if he were to die regardless. notably, this again mirrors jabuchi’s plans, that there is honor and respect in being killed by human means. it also implies that he didn't think escape was an option for minoru, inevitably thinking he'll stay in the institute, alive or dead.

one of the most important points of the whole conflict is at the end when utsugi implies that— aside from hajime's happiness— there was one more thing he desired. he wasn't supposed to value his relationship with minoru to this extent, but he acknowledges that he did want it, even as they beat each other bloody. not even utsugi's positive feelings can stand in the way of his yearning for mutual understanding, and his cruelty towards minoru is unreserved in 1999.

to bring this back to the main point, it shows further the ill effects of misunderstanding in their relationship. minoru’s misunderstanding of utsugi’s situation sews rifts in their friendship and their ultimate split, while utsugi’s misunderstanding of minoru brings him to his lowest point in life, where even death is a preferred alternative.

to return back and cover what minoru misunderstands with utsugi, it is another thing that is laid out quite explicitly, as it leads to their falling out. minoru never puzzled out why utsugi was so insistent in the way he treated hajime as a ‘star’ and rather took it at face value that utsugi had no ulterior motive.

in reality, it was an act utsugi put on for what he believed was hajime’s own benefit, but minoru couldn’t begin to comprehend that. his own viewpoint was that it benefits hajime to think of himself as human, and he thinks of this as an obvious conclusion. there is a fundamental disconnect in both how minoru understands utsugi’s mindset here, and also in how minoru understands and treats hajime, who he similarly doesn’t understand fully.

the other key misunderstanding is that it is dubious if minoru figures out the reason utsugi’s attitude towards him changed. his theories include things like utsugi was jealous (partially true) or utsugi was upset at hajime’s poor state (partially true) or that utsugi liked rai romantically (wholly false).

it is my opinion that the (largest, but not only) reason utsugi distanced himself from minoru was because of the reveal of the existence of factors. he may have believed that furthering their relationship was ill-fated, as he was warned of on the phone by mari orie. he also may have lost faith in the authenticity of their friendship, as shown by his thoughts in 1999, where he panics that they only feel positively towards each other because of the effect of factors.

minoru both knew about factors (unclear to me as to when exactly in the timeline he understands they affect reality and weren’t just something kazaru used for fiction) and that utsugi was researching them, but it seems doubtful to me that he put it together before he leaves EHRI for good. later on, he may have belatedly understood.

2b. the understanding they reached in the end

this also is a reoccurring thought in their relationship– the belated realizations. as covered earlier, 1999 is the point where they know each other best and the last time they see each other. minoru sees utsugi’s memories by using the power of the pen, and finally understands the events that lead to this point. directly after, utsugi tells him to leave forever. things have proceeded beyond the point of intervention, and it seems that any action taken now cannot undo the massive upheaval that has already taken place.

it’s also possibly notable that the only way minoru was able to understand utsugi totally was because of the power of the pen. he had to directly see utsugi’s memories, it was never possible for the truth to come directly from utsugi’s own mouth. this adds to the broken communication between humans, where things are easily muddled by intentions and words. only when treating utsugi as a character to be ‘read’ does minoru truly understand him.

this ending may feel like it points to saying that the furthering of their understanding was all for nothing, but it comes back into play sixteen years later.

their relationship had long fallen into complete nothingness, and yet minoru is the one utsugi trusts with his final wish, a final happiness for a man meeting a pathetic end. their understanding of each other did nothing to save their relationship in life, but it leaves minoru as the only one who can remember utsugi closest to how he was in reality.

in turn, minoru is the key to how we, as the viewer, also get to understand utsugi beyond all his lies, acts, and facades. it’s heavily implied that minoru has a hand in constructing the narrative of the entire series, and especially of dlc, for which is named after him.

to give some more evidence to that point, the main support is drawn from the 'truth only i know' book by code:dante (sanemitsu) that is readable after completing S+ in a new game. in the book he refers to a 'record,' reminiscent of 'the records of sanemitsu isoi' (the title of dlc) where the truth is told. and he says that if there is something only he knows, that he can tell that truth through fiction.

the 'truth' we learn in dlc heavily depends on utsugi's arc. we learn new things about all the characters, but none of them were concealing their true self to the extent that utsugi was. they all had other people who understood the truth about them, and only utsugi could say that sanemitsu was the only person who ever fully understood him.

utsugi also directly asks sanemitsu to write his story as a final parting wish, and indeed the way his story is told follows that last wish. he is an evil villain in the base game, easy to condemn and forget, and this irredeemable and unsympathetic person is how he wanted to be remembered. in the forking paths scene, he says that it's alright to think of him as a villain and not acknowledge that he had human emotions too.

dlc contradicts this completely, so how can it still be said that sanemitsu honors his wish? the way i see it, there were plenty of people who played the base game but not dlc. the separation of these two stories ensures that some people will never see utsugi as sympathetic. sanemitsu couldn't stand to let the truth die with him, but he could leave enough breathing room so that utsugi's last wish would be fufilled somewhere, with someone.

part three: unintentional cruelty, emphasized by the narrative

tying into both the failed good intentions of their actions and whether their will or lack thereof affected their relationship, there are multiple interesting ways in which they are unintentionally cruel to each other within the confines of their own relationship.

one of the strongest examples we see is that utsugi digs up minoru’s insecurities in the process of trying to help him. starting with kazaru’s suicide note, minoru has been impressed with the idea that his very existence was a mistake, and he should not have been born. utsugi pushes him away in the end, telling him the only thing he can do for utsugi is to disappear and leave.

in a way, this is a kindness as it is an escape route for minoru from the sinking ship that is EHRI. but simultaneously, it is one of the cruelest ways utsugi can show ‘goodwill.’ it compounds upon kazaru’s original idea, directly pointing to the conclusion that minoru’s very existence is what causes utsugi distress, and thus there are no possible actions minoru can take to help utsugi besides disappearing. it doesn’t feel like a positive or honorable action due to minoru also being the root of the problem when framed like this.

the previous sections already cover how much utsugi is intentionally cruel to minoru, from specifically digging up anything he can to hurt minoru in 1999 to intentionally sabotaging their relationship without discussion. but the 'solution' that utsugi offers minoru is unique in that it doesn't seem to be aware of how much it will hurt minoru.

i’ve discussed a few times already that minoru fails utsugi in the reference room scene, but it feels particularly cruel due to the uniqueness of the situation. it’s the first and only time utsugi directly reaches out for help, possibly ever, and he has nothing to show for it. minoru’s ultimate failure to deliver in that situation only heavily reinforces to utsugi the uselessness of depending on others.

utsugi wishes for reciprocity, that he should be able to offer value to anyone else in the way that he already desires value and affection from other people. it stems from his childhood, that children naturally want love and attention from their parents. that he didn't recieve that leads him to believe that if he is 'useful' to someone (unlike how he was useless to his family) then they might love him back. his grandpa is a key example of this, loving utsugi only because of his birthday, which made him useful to rangiri's delusions.

utsugi’s final plea to minoru in the reference room is “if you’re willing to do everything for me-,” which feels reminiscent of what utsugi has already promised hajime (to stay by his side until they both die, it is all of his life, everything.) utsugi could promise everything to a stranger in distress, and he wishes (impossibly) that minoru could do the same for him.

in a sense, the sentiment of ‘save me’ in that scene already indicates that utsugi has been previously failed by hajime. the original dialogue he shares with hajime (that he clearly remembers and references even many years later) includes the idea that hajime will save everyone, and utsugi will save hajime. since utsugi still feels he needs saving, it means hajime has not been able to deliver on his side of the previous sentiment. minoru’s avoiding and diminishing of utsugi’s worries and the title of the scene being ‘the hand i failed to take’ show minoru as also clearly failing in this respect.

and yet, similarly to utsugi, minoru’s cruelty had good intentions. maybe there was no good way out of that situation, it certainly seems both that utsugi was unwilling to accept help and minoru unable to provide it. utsugi knows minoru can't help him, and he makes grand demands of minoru as a way of self-sabotage: he knows minoru will never be able to promise everything to him. minoru has a family, and utsugi will never be his first priority.

on another tragic note, utsugi directly pleads to minoru for a way out of his misery, but hasn’t minoru already been showing him the way out? if hajime accepted being human and wanted to live simply, there would be no need to continue the crimes and experiments. minoru influencess hajime to this direction but utsugi directly opposes it, showing how unamenable utsugi is to minoru’s ideas. the reference room situation had no easy or clean solution, and perhaps it saved utsugi some pain with an early disappointment.

the both of them are people who could've helped each other, but didn't have the proper communication skills or ability at the time they crossed paths. in their struggle to save their friendship, they only hurt one another more, itentionally or unintentionally.

the base game hides almost all of the kind side to their cruelty, they're barely even shown as friends. minoru's friendship innately humanizes utsugi, he's the only utsugi confesses to, fights with, takes out his stress and fears on, all these emotions he buries with anyone else. they're emotions that make him sympathetic and wholly human, and thus something that cannot be learned about utsugi until dlc.

minoru also repeatedly (undeservedly) forgives utsugi for his unkindness. utsugi is responsible for a lot of pain in minoru's life: surrendering haruki to experiments, pushing EHRI down a dark path, violently pushing him out of both EHRI and their own friendship, the list continues on for a long while. and while minoru does resent him at points for how much he's suffered at utsugi's hand, he never stops caring for utsugi.

he says things like he shouldn't have ever considered utsugi a friend, utsugi has gone mad, and they come to blows multiple times. but minoru always caves later, still showing concern for utsugi. after their big fight where minoru leaves EHRI, he asks hajime about utsugi's condition on a visit back. in 1999, after they'd just grievously injured one another, he still laments that utsugi never depended on him.

the way sanemitsu talks about utsugi after EHRI is not said to be happily, sanemitsu says bad things to reiji and reiji is certain sanemitsu believed utsugi hated him. but he doesn't allow roses in his house, and reiji says that sanemitsu seems lonely when discussing utsugi.

by all rights, sanemitsu should have no warm feelings left for utsugi. the way the narrative repeatedly highlights their pain underscores that, but neither of them can let the other go.

part four: genuine kindness, hidden by the narrative

with how much establishing i’ve done of only negative things: cruelty, failures, jealousy, disappointment, it’s easy to think utsugi and minoru had a relationship that was only negative. but, the narrative guides us through it in a rather complex timeline: we start with the middle and the consequences before we see the beginning and ending.

base game shows their relationship as something fraught with arguments, leading up to their first major falling out where minoru leaves EHRI for the first time and begins to avoid utsugi. there is little shown here that evokes that they had a complicated relationship, it feels like they were simply two people who didn’t get along.

this is somewhat due to all the flashbacks being shown through hajime’s perspective, so that we only see these two as they are around hajime and only while having conversations that concern hajime. the only clues to their relationship being composed of anything beyond two-dimensional mutual animosity is that minoru expresses concern and regret in relation to utsugi in a few brief lines.

throughout dlc, this pattern repeats, and there is no great upheaval in the viewer’s understanding until minoru’s dlc episode. the episodes leading up continue to breadcrumb their true nature, with hints like sanemitsu disliking roses in his house, sanemitsu expressing that utsugi took responsibility for everything while drunk in reiji’s episode, utsugi compliments minoru in rai’s dlc, and they have a few exchanges that are more lighthearted in tone.

minoru’s dlc finally throws the curtain back entirely, where it is fully revealed that, once upon a time, they were true and proper friends. their first meeting is amicable and remarkably normal, utsugi talking to minoru about his reporting and behaving awkwardly about a compliment paid to him. in the following scenes, we see them teasing each other and talking frankly about developments in their lives. utsugi sets up several arrangements for the isoi’s marriage and seems to seriously wish them well.

it couldn’t be more normal, save for utsugi carefully keeping his distance and drawing a line between them in the form of hajime. he seems to like being around minoru, but deflects admitting any personal attachment when questioned, using hajime’s like of minoru instead. this foreshadows just how much he will put hajime above anyone else, even those he also likes, and how he has carefully sculpted his other relationships to fit within that framework in advance.

of course, he ultimately fails in sectioning minoru out. there are a number of other characters (haruki, noa, etc.) that utsugi is kind to, but he doesn't form the same attachment to them that he does to minoru. in the end, when he's saying his goodbyes, the only people he mentions are minoru and hajime. in 1999, he mentions that minoru was the only thing he wanted in addition to hajime's life. despite his best attempts, he can never let go of his original affection for minoru.

part five: generational yaoi

one of the other biggest things revealed about the relation between minoru and utsugi in dlc is that it spanned multiple generations. the actions of their grandparents caused so many shock waves that the story now actively resists the interaction of the two families. i’ve already touched heavily on the factors of their families: they are certainly the largest reason utsugi abruptly changes, dooming the friendship between him and minoru. the series has lots of commentary on the hereditary way our family shapes us and cycles of behavior, and minoru and utsugi are no exception.

both utsugi and minoru have intense family issues, coming to shun their family name and legacy in time. but they both carry it forward, regardless.

utsugi leaves his family’s company and doesn’t pursue pharmacy or business leadership in a strict sense, but nevertheless he is a medical researcher and executive in EHRI. ironically, he could not come into his own as a confident leader under the guidance of his family, but he grows into that confidence as he takes control of EHRI. he just needed support and passion to grow into his full potential, something he lacked when his family neglected him.

similarly, minoru breaks from the family tradition of fiction writers to be a reporter. but even then, he shows in DLC that he is preparing to write novels. it fits with his character arc, where reporters passively observe reality but writers actively create it, and he himself is starting to reclaim control and power in his own life. but still, it places him among the company of the many fiction writers of the harada line. sanemitsu also has some measure of control over the narrative and way it is told, shown by his almost certain position in system n.h.. this places his actions as remarkably similar to mutei harada’s designs on manipulating characters and creating stages.

both minoru and utsugi are haunted by their childhoods, which build up to their issues that cause ruin in their interpersonal relationships. these are issues that are inflicted on them by their parents, utsugi’s parents reinforcing utsugi’s beliefs on isolation and self-dependency, and minoru’s parents showing him how to run away from love and regret being born. and naturally, these beliefs were likely initially formed in turn by how mutei and rangiri treated the next generation.

they cannot escape the influence of their respective families in that fashion, and also in that they explicitly cling to it for each other. minoru is not actually ‘minoru harada’ in the series for very long, he marries rai isoi early on to become ‘minoru isoi.’ but names are a social thing, and neither hajime nor utsugi let go of the harada surname. that both utsugi and minoru address each other by family name is important, given that they both stand as friends who can use more familiar terms of address and choose not to. their relationship is undeniably shaped by their family history though, and so these names hang over them.

their relationship is similarly cyclical, where they attempt to break out of their patterns and yet return to them in the end. minoru’s relationships are best shaped by his fear of gaining love and then losing it, thinking it better to not have loved in the first place. utsugi’s relationships are best shaped by inequality, where he is comfortable and used to loving someone more than he receives in turn.

their relationship starts out subverting this, where utsugi is hesitant in closing the distance with minoru. thus, there is no intense love or connection to be lost, just a mundane friendship with a careful distance. minoru then quickly pushes to be closer, upsetting utsugi’s status quo where he is now not the one who loves more. the lack of anything to lose gives minoru confidence to keep arguing with and pursuing utsugi, even as their mundane friendship melts into animosity, something that should usually scare minoru off.

but, in the end we see the relationship ultimately return to the form they are most familiar with. minoru runs away in 1999, abandoning utsugi and certainly being saddled with the painful regret of lost love. utsugi remains behind, having settled back into his typical unequal relationship. he remembers and thinks of minoru even sixteen years later, while minoru has left him for a new family.

part six: other allusions

aside from the clear line to how they both represent their families, there's several other allusions baked into their relationship. one of the most significant being how they tie into the divine comedy.

minoru is born on the day of dante's death, and utsugi shares a birthday with the poet virgil. minoru both is and isn't dante, he fails earlier in life to fulfil to reach any kind of enlightenment (thus the death day being his birthday) but later on he becomes "code:dante." haruki is notable also representative of dante, the whole harada line having a close tie to the author.

utsugi is tied to virgil by his birth and also by his relation to both minoru and haruki. virgil is a mentor, a guide, and a friend. he is close and intimate with dante, assisting him on his journey through hell but unable to accompany him in heaven. utsugi similarly is a figment of sanemitsu's difficult past, a valued friend who cannot accompany him in the lighter, easier parts of his life.

the utsugi line isn't all associate with virgil in the same way the harada line ties to dante, noriyuki utsugi alone is the 'guide.'

their relationship is similarly foreshadowed in the similarities it holds to nina and jabuchi's relationship. there's much to say here, but to keep it basic: jabuchi and nina start out happy, jabuchi goes down a difficult path without telling nina, nina finds out the truth too late and cannot save jabuchi, but she honors and remembers him after his death. it's a clear parallel to the way sanemitsu and utsugi's relationship develops.

part seven: conclusion

overall, i think i touched on many things i wanted to say about these two, and i still have many more words… but this was already very long and confusing, i imagine. i hope you got something out of it besides thinking i’m delusional, haha. this is solely my interpretation, after all, and i think there are room for many more.

one of the best things about the relation between utsugi and minoru to me is that it is so ambiguous. there was not merely love, and there was not merely hate, but anything in-between those black and white values can be argued. did utsugi feel more hate than love for minoru or did he feel more love than hate? who’s to say. minoru has more clear-cut regret and affection, but still mocks and curses utsugi, showing the depth to which they got under each other’s skin.

and still, they clearly love each other. they sacrifice, remember, and pray for one another. they were friends in the very beginning, and sanemitsu is the last person utsugi ever remembers. in turn, sanemitsu never lets the wounds utsugi gave him heal. it is certainly a relationship that left them both with scars.

#cell of empireo #m

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hitlikehammers · 5 months

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but seas between us braid 🌊🎇

a steddie new years fic for @thefreakandthehair

featuring: oblivious boys being oblivious while they cuddle, wholly unnecessary pining, kisses at the stoke of twelve, big feelings being not so overwhelming in their immensity when they’re shared perfectly

“I mean, some kisses are less good but,” and his tone softens, and Eddie wants to fucking taste it, wants to consume the sound but then also drown in it, it’s very contradictory and overwhelming and Eddie thinks he blew past the smaller feelings here a long time ago, thinks he’s more than mired in the big leagues, now, the stuff that can full-on break your heart maybe past recovering, fucking hell: “I think most new year’s kisses are ones you give and get with some kind of love in them,” and Steve sounds so…bright with it, like the space between them is already warm but Steve’s just created a little bubble where love is real and joy is a thing your lips can convey through touch alone and it’s wild, and it’s heavy in Eddie’s heartbeat and he…it’s not just hard, to pretend against his own wants, now. In the moment, in fact: it’s fucking impossible. He can’t even consider pretending he doesn’t want Steve. All of him. Everything. For always. He’d been doing so well, too, given the givens. At pretending. He’s fucking lucky Steve can’t see his face; fucking blessed there’s no pulse point Steve can brush by on the top of his head, giving him away. “And any kind of love is a good thing to step into the new year with, yeah?” Yes. Yes, and he clings to that so fucking hard he might crack it down the middle but that’d be okay—it’d be okay because if it cracks Eddie will hold it together ‘til it shatters, soaking in the warmth of so much feeling through the crevices until he cradles the pieces when they burst entirely for the pressure of his grip but that’s okay too, that’s almost perfect because broken wide like that, Eddie can bask in the full shine of what it feels like, even as a bystander, to know that kind of automatic, bred-in-bone kind of love. There is love in Steve, for Eddie. That’s undeniable; he’d have to be genuinely willing into his ignorance to miss it, or be able to justify in any way as having some reason or logic to dismiss it. It may not be the love Eddie wants most but it’s a love he wants deep and that he sinks inside the gratitude for whenever he lets himself think too long. Sometimes even when he doesn’t; sometimes it’s just what happens without thinking, or trying. Without having to. Most love is a good thing to start anything new with safe and sure in hand. More than. “I guess,” is what Eddie ultimately says, voice smaller than he’d like but steadier than he’d expected so: he will take that happily, or close-to; “maybe I’ll try it sometime and see.” For all that Eddie’s been trying so hard to control the way his body reacts to Steve’s touch, Steve’s words, Steve’s living-breathing being: Steve doesn’t appear to have the same limitations. Because he stiffens, and he’s silent, and Eddie forces himself to make it seem casual when he rolls his head to see if he can catch a hint from Steve’s pulse through his belly—nah, just endearingly,

beautifully, mundane-wondrous-human rumbly sounds from probably too much beer and not enough pizza, they’d miscalculated that balance by a decent amount. The quiet stretches long enough for Eddie to mostly stifle a sigh, mostly-successfully too, and finally muster the courage to sacrifice Steve’s fingers in his hair for twisting around and meeting his gaze where he’s felt it boring into him since the speaking stopped. Something very close to scandalized in the look. “You’ve never?” Steve asks like the idea is impossible, anathema, rather that pretty fucking predictable for a queer kind in Podunk, God’s Country. “Nope?” Eddie pops the ‘P’ with real feeling, hoping that’ll end the discussion. He’s not exactly put out by never getting a new year’s smooch, but like, it’s not his favorite topic for dwelling on either, doesn’t exactly make him feel awesome or anything, so. Eh. But that’s not how Steve means it, Eddie knows that. Can possibly hear the tone of the words and read the posture of him, the energy radiating off of him something that’s soft like pity with none of its razor edge; heavy and weighted like pure disbelief without irony or overstatement, at least not in the mind of the speaker which: absurdity of the highest order, save that Eddie trusts Steve with his life, and more, now, with his heart and his soul however they come back for the gifting, just for the happy surrender of them: if they come back at all. No damage would ever be done with intent, and all the moments where parts of Eddie might spend that intimate with Steve, in his chest or his veins, well: that’s all more than worth it. It’s not quite comfort that colors how he leans a little into Steve’s touch where he hadn’t let himself before, not fully at least, not intentional like this, to the point past denying: it’s not quite comfort, more like…the only sign Eddie’s willing to risk giving right now, warm and safe and cared for, however that care lands and calls itself: it’s a sign he’s willing to risk, because if it's unwanted it will cost him nothing but the lance through his chest for the rejection, unspoken maybe but no less of a blow. That part’s nothing he’s never brushed up against before, if not so deep, if not inviting an almost certain mortal blow. And the result in the end: Steve, however he can get for as long as he can hold on? There’s no question that’s probably an unfair trade somewhere, and not even in Eddie’s favor. They sit for a while, the minutes counting down and even with the volume low, the buzz of it’s growing almost unpleasant through the tinny speakers. Steve’s hand is still, where it sits on the back of Eddie’s head and Eddie doesn’t know if that’s a good or bad thing, heart wringing a little for the uncertainty and he does his damnedest to corral it, to bring it back to the point wherein Steve is still touching him, close-on to cradling him only kind of in midair between them; Steve is still there, with him, and that’s has to count for something. Fuck, no: that does count. For everything. Eddie picks up counting happening in the audio, and Jesus, they’re starting way too high, like, doesn’t that fucking kill the anticipation? Wait for ten, goddamn. Maybe twenty, then number down. But no. These people are fucking vibrating on the a T.V. And Eddie can forgive a fraction of it for the simple generation of necessary body heat but…this. Eddie knows excitement, okay? Knows being super-stoked for a genuinely amazing thing. This here is just what you’d call fucking excessive. The ball is garishly bright in the broadcast and…what the fuck? “Is that an apple?” Eddie squawks because, again, what the fuck; “why the fuck is it an apple—" In his confusion and general indignation—he was very much under the impression the big dropping ball was all sparkly and not fruit-based, and he didn’t even have to be a frequent viewer to be very sure of those facts—but in his distraction, he…apparently managed to also miss how the overlong countdown had finally started to hit its intended endpoint.

more here 🌊🎇

#steddie #steddie fic #steve harrington/eddie munson #steve harrington #eddie munson #steve/eddie #stranger things #stranger things fanfiction #steddie fanfic #new years kisses #happy new year #fluffy fluffiness abounds #steddie fanfiction

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bisexual-horror-fan · 2 years

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Why Freddy Is A Child Killer And Nothing More.

SO! I am fucking sick and tired of seeing this shit over and over again so I think it is high time I make a post addressing this formally. Freddy Krueger is not a pedophile, child molester, kiddy toucher, or whatever the fuck you want to call it.

You might be saying “Well Bex! I heard that originally Wes Craven-” Yup. Originally Wes Craven played around with the idea of it but it was cut early on and did not make it into the final script and nothing pertaining to that was ever shot either.

Next you might say, “Oh but what about the 2010 remake? He was totally a fucking pedo in that!”

You are right in the 2010 remake he was! Okay. So. I am gonna say this next part loudly and clearly.

Fuck the 2010 remake.

Wes Craven has literally nothing to do with it. In fact they did not consult Wes on the remake at all and he expressed his displeasure over that fact as well! The remake is not fucking canon to me and many others due to that fact alone. The vast, vast majority of people you see on here, myself included, who love Freddy are talking about the OG 80s and New Nightmare Freddy played by Robert Englund.

Speaking of Robert Englund! He is very important to this conversation. Now why is that? Because he played the character for twenty years? Yes I think that does give him a good amount of say in this conversation. But more than that he literally made the character who is. After A Nightmare On Elm Street back in 1984, the first one, Robert asked for more money and better billing when ANOES 2 was going to happen, the studio said fuck that, the makeup is the most important part! And they recast him!

They got two weeks into shooting before they realized how hard they fucked up and asked for Robert back, meeting his originally, extremely fair, especially considering his role, demands.

Freddy is not just saying bitch, it is not corny one liners and it is NOT just make up, there is a fuck ton more to him, there is depth and Robert? Clearly understands that to the point that the studio agreed no one else could play him in the original franchise’s run. So I think we can agree what Robert thinks about Freddy is clearly important, leading to my next point.

As for what Robert actually has to say on the matter, and I quote from this article published on Bloody Disgusting in 2015 of what he said when asked for his thoughts on this by some fans at comic con.

“You can imagine Freddy to be anything you want,” Englund began. “My theory is the word “child killer”, there’s something darkly…darkly poetic about that. It’s a very frightening phrase. Child killer! That should be enough. And I think there’s something symbolic about being a child killer. He kills children because children are their future and there’s no place for Freddy in the future. And it’s revenge on the parents! It’s the most painful thing a parent can do is to lose a child before they die. I mean, I can’t imagine how anybody…how any adults or parents survive that, the death of a child. So that’s nasty enough!”

I mean that says it all to me. He has been asked on many occasions and I have seen him even refer to the idea of Freddy being a molester as “gilding the lily” basically, it is wholly unnecessary like a hat on a hat. Freddy being a child killer is enough. Wes thought so. Robert thinks so too.

And for me? That is more than enough. I hope this clears up shit for a lot of people.

#Freddy Krueger #slasher x reader #BHF vents #BHF thoughts #BHF speaks #I am so so so SO tired of seeing this shit parroted over and over again with NO thought to it #Freddy has not is not and never will be THAT alright?!#Freddy Krueger X Reader #Take it #Look at it #Internalize it #Did I make an almost 1K post going off about this?#YES I DID

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duckiemimi · 8 months

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i really don't wanna be that person but what is your thoughts on gojou with utahime as a pairing? like no hate to anyone that likes to ship them but i just don't see the significance in this relationship, especially since it feels like a reach when they try to compare utahime with geto for example, saying they have similarities supposedly, which?? utahime in general is like a typical girl from a manga that people seem to project onto because she has this tsukkomi vibes or something? like the whole dislike towards gojo is disregarded and treated as a joke despite adults in jjk are obviously capable of putting aside their distaste of one another to work for the greater good if goals aling. i honestly think these two work better as allies because they have rather sibling like type of dynamic. and i didn't mean for this to get so long and overboard but i needed to share and i hope you'll have some thoughts along the way because i really enjoy your theories and metas. have a good one :)

before i start, disclaimer: if you like gojohime, by all means, ship it! there’s nothing wrong with shipping two characters you think go together, so as long as you don’t pick unnecessary fights about it!

now let’s start.

i think i don’t see the appeal in gojohime because i see no chemistry between them. they’re professional coworkers who might even be acquaintances once in a while to me.

i think what i truly dislike, though, is how utahime is portrayed in the ship. if a woman says she doesn’t like a man, then she doesn’t like a man! but even through a reader’s standpoint, while these are fictional characters in a story we can find wholly knowable because they are readable (unlike in-real-life humans), there is no evidence to suggest that utahime even likes gojo. they work well together and that’s it.

i think because we don’t see much of utahime in the story, it becomes easy to see what isn’t there. most of her on-screen interactions with gojo, if not in tepid professional manner, are fiery, with her becoming defensive and quick to anger. i think many shippers read this as utahime becoming flustered and perhaps they see her as the quintessential “tsundere” who shows affection through irritability. if anything, though, i think we should consider the fact that teenage gojo used to blatantly call her weak and it’s definitely affected their dynamic as adults. utahime could still be a little resentful, and i don’t think gojo realizes this.

you also have to remember that gojo isn’t the most likable person (not character) in the series. nanami is not entirely fond of him, and neither are most of his students. they care for him, and they might love him, but he’s not an easy guy to get along with. it isn’t just utahime who finds him “annoying.”

as for the geto and utahime comparisons, they make me giggle a little. is it because geto is objectively the closest person to gojo, and that’s how shippers wished it was for utahime, or is it because they both have dark hair? besides the fact that pre-defection geto and utahime have a sense of duty as sorcerers (which also differ, by the way; their motivations were completely different), they have absolutely no similarities. where did this argument even come from?

i think it’s important to realize that you can ship characters without grasping at barely-there evidence. you don’t owe anyone your ship’s canonicity. you’re allowed to like a ship even if two characters have never even interacted with each other. of course, different people are bound to perceive the story differently, so i guess as long as you don’t pick fights, do whatever you want!

#jjk #gojo satoru #gojo #iori utahime #utahime #jujutsu kaisen #asks #gjhm

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inkedroplets · 3 months

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What's this about a lena/peggy fic? PEGGY CARTER?!?!?

I kind of forgot I had this ask and then I thought, oh I'll link the snippet I posted a while back and because it's tumblr I can't find it so I'll post another one but yes, I have a very confusing, very complicated Supercorp/MCU crossover fic that I've been dabbling with while I write other things. Essentially Lena finds herself stranded on Earth-616 and working with Coulson while she tries to find a way back home. Oh, and Kara is freaking out while trying to figure out where it is Lena went. It's set during their rift so its extra angsty. This snippet is Lena volunteering to go and act as the mole to take down a remaining HYDRA cell.

“Feel free to continue discussing it between yourselves,” Lena said as she stood up from the table. “But I think you already know that sending me in as the mole is the best play.” She looked around the table and saw the gears turning (however unwillingly) in everyone's head. All except for May who was the only one who would actually meet her gaze. You could give my mother lessons, Lena thought, thinking she had weathered far less intense staredowns from Lillian in the past. She felt everyone’s eyes on her as she turned to leave, half-expecting someone to take another stab at trying to convince her of how foolhardy her plan was, although no one did.

There were moments where Lena forgot she was even onboard a ship, it being too large and herself too busy to realize how small it actually was, but today was not one of those days. She found herself walking in the direction of the lab without really meaning to. She got about halfway there when she heard the patter of hurried footsteps behind her. Nearly quiet enough for her not to notice. “Lena.” “I’m guessing you voted against me,” Lena said, not bothering to slow down for May’s sake, knowing she could easily overtake her if she wanted to. “I did,” May said baldly. She fell into step beside Lena easily and while her gaze was still just as steely, she did at least have the decency to open the lab door for her. “No witnesses,” Lena snarked. “Smart.” “There are cameras,” May replied, perfectly deadpan. She glanced behind her before closing the door as if she expected to see someone wanting to intrude on what May clearly wanted to remain a private conversation. “As noble as your offer was,” she said in a tone that made it perfectly clear she believed it was anything but, “ I don’t think you understand what you’re offering.” “Infiltrate the remnants of a Nazi paramilitary terrorist organization bent on world domination to bring it down from within? No, I got the gist of it,” Lena said coolly. “Whatever stories Coulson or the others might have told you about Hydra, trust me when I say they’re far worse than you could imagine. You’re not an agent, you’re not trained to deal with the physical or mental toll that this job would entail. Coulson is wrong for even considering it.” “But he is considering it?”

“Against my better judgment,” May replied silkily. “If this is a bid to get into Coulson’s good graces or to cement yourself a position with the others then I can tell you right now that is wholly unnecessary. Coulson trusts you and the team does too.” “But not you,” Lena said, not meaning to sound accusatory but sure that it had to at least sound a little that way to May.

“No,” May replied without a moment’s hesitation. “I don’t trust you.”

#asks #how the hell do I tag this?#supercorp #aos #if you haven't watched agents of shield please do it's delightful

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khaotunq · 5 months

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lads. Lads.

I'm going to be a complete cunt for a second, so cut for rant.

"They should teach reading comprehension in schools" this, "they should teach reading comprehension in schools," that.

I'm just begging folks to begin to grasp the concept of time if you're gonna make a comment on a gifset someone made for you to look at for free. I'm begging.

Let's look at the gifset in question. Just the very top, even. Not even the whole post.

Now let's check today's date

Do we think, possibly, maybe, perhaps, that between February 2023 and December 2023, things might have changed?

I'm aware this is 2 comments out of a post that has 1400 notes, but this kind comment is wholly unnecessary. What do you want me to do, ten entire months later? What is the objective of this sort of tag or comment? Please, tell me. Do you want me to correct it? Do you want me to apologise to you personally for not being psychic? Are you "just saying"? For no other reason than to prove to absolutely fucking no one but yourself that you know that something published 10 months ago might be out of date? Because if that's the case all you've proved, in this specific example, is that you didn't bother looking at when it was posted, and you never even considered glancing at the original tags, which I imagine you would have if you were actually interested in offering constructive critique.

Nobody can predict last-minute casting changes, or invent casting that hasn't happened or hasn't been announced.

I'm begging people who feel the need to constantly correct everything around them to turn that lens inward, just a little bit.

That's general advice for life, honestly: do you have a critical comment where the only reason for saying it is "I'm just saying."? Then shut up. Shut it. Be quiet. Shhhhhh. Shush. I promise, nobody cares other than the perhaps one person who'll see it, which in this case is the gifmaker. And it kind of sucks.

#so it is decreed

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madara-fate · 10 months

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Ok he loves them since it's canon , but the way decade long absence no contact , not even thinking whether his daughter would be upset with his absence , this dude really is devoted to his mission . Sure he is a blessed soul , but idk he has rinnegan , why didn't he teleport once in idk even 5 months , or atleast to see his wife

, Sakura had to intercept message from the hokage to chase him and locate him to be in a relationship with him ???? He has zero contact with Sakura on his missions ?

If someone with a space time ninjutsu could be absent for a decade it is just so fucked up

You have to admit kishi made some big mistakes in gaiden while writing their story .

I'll ask u one qs " Can u actually imagine sasuke cuddling Sakura " ? Like fater they are married making the first move ? You know this proves a lot of my point

I don't deny atleast now that he loves them and needs to stay away for those long ass missions not because he wants to ? but their writing lacks depth atleast considering the problems they were given .

I agreed with your point u have to agree with mine

Bro has rinnegan !!!

Because as I've stated before (which you alluded to at the beginning of this conversation), Sasuke took his secrecy too far, and he mistakenly thought that Sakura would be enough for Sarada growing up. Once he saw the negative impact his absence had on Sarada, he acknowledged his mistake and owned up to it.

That's why during the scene below, Sasuke wouldn't allow Sakura to take the blame for how upset Sarada was:

Because as he said, he knew the fault was his.

Sakura had to intercept message from the hokage to chase him and locate him to be in a relationship with him ???? He has zero contact with Sakura on his missions ?

Again, that's a completely baseless assumption on your part. Nowhere does it say or imply that Sakura intercepted a message meant for Naruto, and then used that to locate him. Not least because while he was on his journey, none of them knew where he was; he'd always keep his location a secret. None of them knew where he was during any of the Hiden novels because he didn't tell them. Therefore, it's as I always say - There's no way Sakura would have been able to find Sasuke if he didn't let her know where he'd be beforehand, because he could have literally been anywhere in the world. Because here's something you're forgetting - Sasuke returned to the village during Sasuke Shinden's conclusion, so he therefore spent time with Sakura in person before returning to his travels. Meaning he would have had plenty of time to tell her where he would be, in the event that she wished to join him later. No interception of messages meant for other people, is necessary here.

If someone with a space time ninjutsu could be absent for a decade it is just so fucked up

Firstly, it wasn't a decade. Secondly, I've already explained that Sasuke acknowledged his mistake.

You have to admit kishi made some big mistakes in gaiden while writing their story.

I will admit that a lot of the things he wrote in Gaiden were wholly unnecessary and done solely for cheap drama, but they still made sense in terms of at least being possible. But yes, Kishi could have reached the same conclusion using other, much better routes.

I'll ask u one qs " Can u actually imagine sasuke cuddling Sakura " ? Like fater they are married making the first move ? You know this proves a lot of my point

Well considering they've had sex, I can imagine Sasuke doing far more than just cuddling with her, because we know as a fact that they have done far more than that. I know what you're getting at - Sasuke isn't the cuddly type, nor is he one to engage in overt public displays of affection, but that obviously doesn't mean that his love and affection for his family is any less deep or sincere.

The writing for literally every single canon couple lacks depth, because the romance was never a focus to begin with. The platonic bonds had far more narrative significance than the romantic ones did, so relative to other stories where the romance was actually a focal point, then yes their writing lacked depth. But this is certainly not a criticism that is exclusive to Sasuke and Sakura.

Ig if you go by that logic , then yeah he loves them and he had to stay away for that mission , not because he wanted to . However , the fact he forgot his daughters face and tried to threaten her is such an embarrassing moment . He didn't recognise his own blood ?????

I'm not going to get into that topic here, but I explained in great detail during this post, why it actually made sense that Sasuke reacted in that manner when he was first reunited with Sarada.

A decade long !!! How can a father go without his contact of his daughter , ig he really is devoted to his mission and the safety of this world , he is a good person and great soul but the fact that his absence never made him realise how his daughter would be suffering ???

To reiterate - he acknowledged his mistake, and owned up to it.

Sure he loves them "now" but the way they came about with the whole glasses plot and absence and skr intercepting messages from hokage to chase his location makes my head hurt .

Again, Sakura intercepting messages meant for the Hokage in order to chase Sasuke down, did not happen.

You have to admit loving sasuke is very hard work , and the results aren't that special apart from his looks ofc , because he is very awkward.

"Apart from his looks"? My goodness. Anon, Sasuke is one of the most respected figures in the entire Naruto universe right now, he is literally hailed as a village hero. Sakura is proud of what he is doing and she supports him wholeheartedly because she knows that he risks his life everyday to protect everyone in the village. What on earth has looks got to do with anything? Loving Sasuke is easy, because Sakura knows he has a heart of gold, and that he wouldn't hesitate to risk his life for their sake.

I think I'll end the conversation there, geez. I mean honestly come on, "apart from his looks"? Give Sasuke the credit he deserves.

#Sasuke Uchiha #Sakura Haruno #sasusaku #Sarada Uchiha

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theboarsbride · 1 year

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A Court of Mist and Fury Reading Update I

Page 133 - 21%

!!SPOILERS AHEAD PERTAINING TO EVENTS IN ACOTAR - read ahead at your own risk!!

-I'm enjoying my time with ACOMAF more than ACOTAR........though not by much. Admittedly I just feel bitter entering this book aware of the character assassination that occurs and the fact that Rhysand is the endgame love interest.

-Feyre's trauma from her time spent Under the Mountain feels genuine and adds depth to her character. She can't stand seeing certain colors (especially red), she had night terrors, she feels like she is no longer capable of being a good person because of the faeries she was forced to kill, etc. It makes her feel more fleshed out and interesting to me!

-I still hate Rhysand - bro literally mind r*pes Feyre and has the audacity to be like 'what I did UTM was for your own good' and 'I'm not a monster.' Like bro shut the fuck up I do not care. Also do not get me started on the 'it's your choice' bullshit-

-AND I GET IT. Rhys is meant to be the edgy, tortured love interest that has a redemption arc but uhhhh with what he did to Feyre UTM??? Fuck that noise. He assaulted, drugged, invaded her mind, tortured, and objectified her ALL WHILE SOBER AND WITHOUT THE INFLUENCE OF ANY MAGIC OR DRUG OR WILL THAT WAS NOT HIS OWN. I refuse to redeem a character like that. Feyre deserves someone better than him - and Tamlin. PLS I SHIP HER WITH LUCIEN UUGHHHH!!!!!!! LUCIEN x FEYRE FTW

-Boo to Tamlin's character assassination (especially for the scene with the Tithe and having Feyre on house arrest). Like I get that he is traumatized, too, (which in of itself would've been so, so interesting to explore!!! fuck you SJM for not allowing us the same opportunity to explore Tamlin's traumas like we do Feyre's and Rhys's - who is arguably a more abusive character than Tam - and instead villainizing him just to make the abuser from ACOTAR a more appealing love interest.) but like.....it is so outside of Tamlin's character as was presented in ACOTAR to become such a control freak? Sure he was always somewhat possessive, but he was always willing to allow Feyre as much freedom she desired?

-And I know. Basically locking Feyre in his manor is not a great look but think about it... Tamlin saw Feyre get tortured by Amarantha and sexually abused by Rhysand right in front of him, he witnessed her die, a war is coming, and now Rhysand is essentially kidnapping her one week a month (I am considering it kidnapping because 1. Feyre was forcuefully coerced into this deal while halfway delirious with infection and 2. she doesn't want to go with Rhysand) in a deal he was never aware of. While I feel like house arrest is overkill, I cannot wholly blame Tamlin for wanting to go through the extra lengths of keeping Feyre safe. It's not the best thing for his character, and he definitely isn't the most charming guy in this book (and I am by no means excusing his behavior), but I think it's unfair to his character, and the traumas he's faced, to instantly vilify what he's done to Feyre while, at the same time, SJM is trying to convince us that the truly heinous bullshit Rhysand did in ACOTAR was a good thing, actually, and that he's an upstanding dude.

- SJM why are you saying "males" and "females"??? :( I hate it. This gender essentialism is icky and is making me uncomfortable. (which as a worldbuilding thing this isn't a wholly bad thing..........this just makes me uncomfortable because these faeries in SJM's world are essentially just humans in shape and demeanor, and it just feels unnecessary.)

-The faeries in this world still lack feeling truly FAERIE...so this is just a really bland and boring fantasy world

-Basically this is just boring, overall, lmao - I can already tell that getting through 600 pages of this is gonna be.... a lot

Anyways!!! This is my first update for ACOMAF, and I shall see you all in the next update!! (also I am very slowly but surely putting together a more in-depth review of ACOTAR so stay tuned for that).

Happy reading!💛

#jojo reads #anti acotar #anti acomaf #anti rhysand #anti sjm #anti sarah j maas #anti rhys #anti feysand

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vertebrates-and-pieces · 1 year

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Not sure if this is within the comfort zone or not. But how would Morgott respond to the notion of babies?

How would he react if his beloved brought up the idea that they would like to bear his children? How much coaxing would it take?

Alternatively, how would he respond if it was an abrupt pregnancy?

His beloved taking him somewhere quiet, and telling him that they are with his child. This having not been discussed prior to sex.

But they are happy...

Give us the juice!

Very sorry for the wait, had some nasty writer’s block last month, but slowly getting back in the groove and getting those writing juices flowing.

Okay so I was lowkey dreading getting an ask on this subject haha. It isn’t that it is really out of my comfort zone (Please don’t ask for pregnancy/breeding kink stuff on my NSFW blog though. That isn’t something I’m into, sorry.) but more of a topic I am heavily biased on. I personally find the idea of becoming pregnant or raising kids to be very unappealing and that is one of the few things I tend to project onto characters I like even when it is unrealistic to do so.

It’s probably me subconsciously lashing out against the random people who go on about how great motherhood is and telling me “you’ll change your mind once you get married.” Like no. That sense of obligation is how you end up with so many parents that resent their kids, as well as me working on my personal feelings regarding the preservation of ways… Due to a long family tradition that goes back around 7-8 generations in which the firstborn daughter of each generation is to in turn name her firstborn daughter the same name. So I sort of grew up being told that I was going to have children, including at least one girl, and pass on the family name. And going through the realization that no. I do not want to do that was a big coming of age moment for me (Fortunately my family was pretty chill about it, so it isn’t exactly a traumatic conflict or anything)

But that’s neither here nor there.

Because honestly, I don’t think Morgott would be opposed to the idea of children, so I’m going to do my best to put my own projections aside and answer this in a more objective way.

…under the cut because I ended up going through several paragraphs of introduction before even getting to my thoughts on the matter oops

So I see Morgott as someone who would be relatively neutral on the subject of kids.

If things are in the state we see in canon, a broken world where he views himself as very much alone, I think he’d consider himself procreating as cruelty. A reviled omen bringing new, probably accursed, life into a world where nothing but hate and suffering awaits? No. That would be wholly unnecessary. Besides, the fewer distractions from his duties, the better.

However, after undergoing some character development, learning to accept both himself and others more, challenging the status quo, and in this case, falling in love, I doubt he’d see things the same way. Now that he has been set ablaze by a flame of his own: one of companionship, one of change and renewal, the world seems markedly brighter, and the outlook of a child born into it less bleak.

However, I don’t think it would be something he would consider right away. It is pretty clear that he’s gone his entire life thinking he would never have a family of any sort, so it probably wouldn’t be the first thing on his radar. I think he could be fine like that. I can see him being perfectly content as The Last of All Kings. Yet, now that he is loved, now that he understands that, now that he has brought into question tenets he once thought unbreakable, I’m sure his mind would wander.

If his love were to bring up a desire to bear his child(ren), I think he’d be a bit conflicted at first. He would need to take some time to work through some of his feelings on the matter. Would he make a good father, he’d wonder. Could he show a child the love they deserve after his lifetime of hate? I don’t think it would take too terribly much coaxing, but there would have to be a long discussion before he’d agree. One of the major points he’d bring up would be the possibility of the child being an omen. Not that he doubts his love would care for an omen child any less, but he cannot help but worry about the other concerns regarding the safety of both the child and the person giving birth to it. As we see with the Omen Bairns in game, Omens are born with their horns. More concerningly, the horns they are born with are no mere nubs or buds. They are jagged, pointy, and liable to do some serious damage. To give birth to an omen would be… traumatic. The thought that he could cause something to grow within his love that would hurt them so terrifies Morgott. What if they died? What if the child died?

I do think after a good amount of discussion, and a healthy amount of reassurance that yes, this is really what they want, he would agree.

For he loves you so dearly, that if you consider this one of the greatest gifts he could bestow upon you, he will ensure it is so. And this great and profound love is something he looks forward to sharing with a child that you both created.

I think news of an unexpected pregnancy would result in similar initial terror. He would fall to his knees and hold them, worried that he may have just doomed them. They would ask him if he was okay and he would apologize. They’d hold him back, tell him that it will be alright, that they are honored, excited, to be with his child. And the genuine joy they show him. How they speak of looking forward to raising this child, to see Morgott as a father… He’s still shaking, but he is warm. He’s still crying, but his tears are not of grief.

#emmie answers #morgott x tarnished #morgott x reader #pregnancy #sorry I'm not very good at writing pregnancy stuff lol

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tokiro07 · 10 months

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Undead Unluck ch.168 thoughts REDO!

The bulk of this week's review wasn't directly related to Undead Unluck, so I'm going to delete that one and rework it into its own standalone post later. This post is going to start the same as before, but now it's going to address a point I meant to talk about and simply forgot because I got sidetracked

So, once again:

[Time for School]

HIGH SCHOOL! AU! HIGH SCHOOL! AU!

Man, this was one of the funniest chapters in a long time, from Fuuko ripping open Shen's eye to force Untruth onto Feng to Feng realizing that he's been reduced to a gym teacher and won't get to fight anyone, I was laughing start to finish

I really needed it, too, I was having a rough day at work (when normally Jump day is my day off...), and this chapter cheered me right up!

Shen and Mui's relationship developing into an actual romance of course was a great way to start us off, and seeing Fuuko continue to wrap Feng around her finger gives me great hope for how his character is going to interact with the story going forward, but of course the real meat of this chapter was the Union infiltrating Chikara's school

I'm sure that Tozuka will think of a way to actually incorporate everyone into the plot to save Chikara's parents, but man...do they really need to be here? I think that any one of them would be sufficient to stop a truck from hitting some pedestrians, and yet here everyone is, wearing costumes and faking credentials to get close to an underage boy

Boy, sounds bad when you put it like that...

Anyway, of course this is the mission that Fuuko is the most excited about. Fuuko's greatest regret is that she couldn't live a normal school life, so while this is clearly wholly unnecessary to helping Chikara, it's absolutely vital to Fuuko to do this. I imagine it's going to help endear the group to Chikara, too, but this isn't really about him. It's the one truly selfish thing that I think Fuuko is going to be doing in the series, and she deserves it! Treat yourself, girl!!!

And again, there is no need for her to bring everyone else along if she just wants to play high schooler. But let's be honest, there was no way she wasn't going to bring them along. Not only would she want all of her loved ones to be present for what is going to be the most important side quest of her life, but consider this: NO ONE ELSE HERE HAD A NORMAL LIFE EITHER!

Shen and Mui grew up on the street, Billy's been a mercenary for lord knows how long, Sean was in the cartel! I could go on! Sure, a lot of them probably went to high school normally and had these experiences already, but their lives have been screwed up for so long by this point that it'd definitely be good for them to have a taste of normality. Not even just by virtue of being Negators, the way that everyone here has lived their lives has simply been abnormal, so letting them have normal jobs and normal friends is a great way for them to get a basic idea of how their lives could look once everything with God is resolved. Many of them likely won't choose a life like that, but still, having that perspective could really change the trajectory of their lives by expanding their horizons

I just think it's a shame that so many other characters don't get to be here. Sure, world-famous boxing champion Void Volks and American military captain Creed wouldn't make much sense to be here, but c'mon...you did this arc BEFORE recruiting Tatiana?!

The other girl who missed her entire adolescence??? The other girl who can never touch another person??? THE GIRL WHO CHIKARA HAS A CRUSH ON??? She would have been perfect! ...Assuming that she won't be stuck in Sphere this time...oh god, that's probably why, she's still going to be in Sphere and wouldn't be able to go to school...

Also sad that Andy can't be here, but it was established LOOONG ago that he can't pass for a kid in this very school, so while it would be nice to see Fuuko and Andy play high school sweethearts, it would definitely be tricky to pull off. But who knows, maybe this is where we'll finally get him back? Probably not, but I'd like it

I don't expect to see much if any combat in this arc, but weirdly, I'm perfectly okay with that. I'm really excited to see a more domestic look at this cast, and as we've established, Tozuka is just super funny, so this is probably going to be, at least for the next couple weeks, a fantastic slice-of-life manga. I know I said it about the Hong Kong arc too, but I think this is the most excited I've been about an Undead Unluck arc

It definitely says something about Tozuka's quality as an author that he's made me say that two arcs in a row

#undead unluck #fouryearsandananime #4y1a reviews

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nightingale-ghost-writer · 2 months

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By the Grace Of [Sorcerer Rogier x Fem!Tarnished] - Chapter Nine

Summary: With a little help from some friends, Delia gets something she’s been wanting for some time- a handsome spellblade into a more… comfortable space.

Author’s Notes: 2.1K words! No real notes for this one, except, well… 🤭 excited about a thing that gets noticed! ‘Cause y’know I, as the author, am just as shocked as my readers

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or events from Elden Ring

Warnings: minor depictions of wounds/blood, suggestive content, unedited (basically), unfinished story- read at your own risk!

“This,” grumbled Rogier, “Is wholly unnecessary.”

He had one arm slung over Delia’s shoulders, the other over Diallos’. A young girl he hadn’t met yet followed close behind, carrying a crate they’d found to hold the collection of items Delia had brought him.

“I did offer to carry you myself,” mused Delia.

He was being hauled to her room at her insistence. She’d been unwilling to hear his objections, no matter how well-founded.

He won’t be in her way. She’ll hardly be there, anyway.

The flies don’t bother her. If she were going to be infected, it would have happened by now.

She’d feel better leaving him if she knew he was more comfortable.

“Is it… that you don’t want me in your space?”

He’d stopped arguing at her hurt look when she asked him that, unwilling to further risk jeopardizing her fragile trust in him over his pride. He’d allowed her to pack his things and stack his newly dried pages; allowed her to fasten the blanket around his waist when he expressed anxiety over the thorns; allowed her to fetch Diallos and the young girl; allowed himself to be carted helplessly through the halls.

And so he kept his head down, thoroughly mortified at the indignity of it all, and thoroughly grateful that no one else seemed about to see the spectacle. D’s chair was blessedly empty, Corhyn had left on some great quest, and the Table’s other regular occupants had been coerced into Delia’s scheme. Hewg, as ever, did not even raise his head. The only other person about to see this all was Fia, and Rogier did not look up to see if she noticed their little procession.

Delia swore as she bumped her shoulder on the doorway, scraping Rogier’s elbow on the wall in the process.

“Sorry,” she murmured.

“Quite alright, I could use a bit of excitement,” quipped Rogier. Diallos snorted, and he heard the young girl behind them stifle a giggle. A glance up at Delia revealed her trying and failing to hide a grin. He ducked his head and, despite himself, smiled.

“Honestly, I’m just pleased to see you’ve finally made a friend,” said Diallos. Rogier turned a startled look at him. Diallos glanced up, then back toward the hall. “I’ve hardly seen you speak to anyone in the time I’ve been here. It’s just…” he trailed off, a pained look crossing his face. “It’s good to have a friend.”

“Still no word on Lanya?” asked Delia.

Diallos shook his head. “No. Nothing.”

“She must be somewhere nearby,” said the young girl. “She doesn’t have a mount, does she?”

They’d reached a door. Delia grunted as she leaned forward to open it, and Diallos shifted to bear more of Rogier’s weight.

“No, she doesn’t.” They shuffled through and the young girl rushed forward to draw back the blankets on Delia’s bed. Rogier suppressed a shiver as his mind went blank.

Delia’s bed.

Marika help him.

He hadn’t even considered the fact that this whole ridiculous plan put him in Delia’s bed.

“Not that it matters. Take your eyes off her for but a moment and she’s good as gone.” He blinked back to the present as he was lowered onto the edge of the bed. Delia moved purposefully forward, lifting his legs and quickly covering them with her blankets, as he’d pleaded she do. He swallowed thickly, relief and gratitude washing over him. Neither Diallos nor the young girl seemed to notice anything amiss.

“She’ll turn up,” said Delia. Diallos gave her a thankful look before turning to Rogier.

“Right, well. If you’re settled, then…”

“Thank you,” said Rogier. “This was a great kindness.” The smile Diallos gave him was a bit distracted, but still polite and friendly. The young man turned to the door, letting himself out as Delia began dragging a small table to the bedside.

“My name is Roderika.” Rogier turned his gaze from Delia’s turned back to the young girl who’d carried his things. She stood near the end of the bed, wringing her hands anxiously. “I should have told you sooner.”

“Roderika. A lovely name.” He pulled out his most charming smile. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, I’m sure.”

She smiled shyly, looking toward Delia. “I… I’m learning the noble art of spirit tuning from Master Hewg. But if… if Miss Delia’s ever not around, and you need something…”

Delia turned. Her expression was thoughtful. “I’m sure I could find a bell, or something.”

“That’s not-” began Rogier, but neither woman seemed to be listening to him.

“Oh, there’s no need. The Hold is so quiet, most of the time. Even with Master Hewg’s hammering, I’m quite sure I’d hear if Mister Rogier needed anything.”

“Just Rogier is fine,” he put in. He offered a reassuring smile when Roderika looked at him uncertainly.

“And I’ve told you to just call me Delia.” Delia had moved to the end of the bed to take the younger girl’s hands. “And thank you. I really appreciate your helping us.”

Us. He liked the sound of that. Roderika made some soft reply before excusing herself, leaving Delia and Rogier alone in the room. She turned to smile at him and his heart clenched. There were dark circles under her eyes, and she hadn’t cleaned the blood from her cheek. She looked frazzled and exhausted. And so beautiful.

He spoke before realizing what he was about to say. “Have you got a cloth? And some warm water?” She opened a small satchel on a low table, pulling out several strips of clean linen. She turned to the fireplace and dipped a clay mug into the pot over the flames.

Rogier pulled himself sideways, reaching down to drag his numb legs after. Delia sat on the edge of the bed, still holding the items he’d requested.

“Are you hurt?” she asked. He felt himself let out a soft huff of air and reached for the cup. Delia’s eyebrows went up, but she didn’t question when he took the linen from her, dipping it into the hot water.

He reached up, cupping her cheek in his hand. Delia sucked in a sharp breath, but she leaned toward him. He wiped the cloth gently over her forehead and then beneath her eyes. They fluttered shut as he did, giving him the freedom to truly study her face.

There was a light dusting of freckles over the bridge of her nose, and faint lines around her mouth from smiling. Tiny white scars pierced her lip, just beside her Cupid's bow, and the tip of her dark eyebrow. The bruising under her eyes was even darker than he’d thought, shadowed further by long, dark lashes. Her nose scrunched, delicate tip pulling up slightly, as he cleaned the cut on her cheek.

His heart thudded dully against his ribs.

Delia’s eyes opened as his movements slowed. He dipped the rag again, picking up her hand to wipe the blood from it. Her palm was warm against his. Her fingers were long and slender, calloused. Scarred all over. Warrior’s hands. She let him turn it over, and he kneaded the heel lightly when she offered no objection. He wrapped the cloth over his own fingers, using it to carefully scrape the dirt from beneath her nails.

He looked up when she giggled. She shrugged apologetically, dropping her gaze. “I’m not sure anyone’s ever been so gentle with me,” she said.

Rogier’s chest tightened. He leaned over her to set the cloth and mug on the table she’d dragged over, using one hand so as not to let go of her. “Come here,” he said. His voice was soft, but commanding- even to his own ears. Delia’s eyes went wide. She began to lean down, but pulled back suddenly.

“Can I… do you mind if I…”

He blinked at her, lost, worry that he’d overstepped bubbling up. She gestured to her bloody armor. “Would it be alright for me to…?”

“Oh!” he said, quite eloquently. Oh, indeed. “Of course.” He wasn’t sure how he managed to form the words, let alone get them out. He was only grateful that Delia gave no indication of anything being out of the ordinary as she rose, turning her back to him.

The cloak fell away first, revealing silvery mail, and then came the greaves. Rogier couldn’t tear his gaze from the expanse of surprisingly smooth skin they revealed as they slid down. Then she was removing the armor, and he found himself whipping his head to the side to give her the privacy he should have been giving her the whole time.

A moment later, she sat at the edge of the bed again. He looked back to see her picking at the ends of her fingers nervously. “Are you comfortable?” she asked. “I could help you, if you need, or even just lay your things somewhere.”

It took him a moment to understand that she was referencing his clothes. His mouth went entirely dry at that thought- being in her bed, with her, both of them in their underclothes.

Marika help him.

“I’m quite alright,” he managed. Delia’s eyes went up to his hat skeptically.

Well.

Haltingly, he reached up to remove it. Her lip twitched, as though trying to withhold a smile. Rogier huffed and undid the clasps on his hood, pulling that off as well. He lifted one hand to run through his hair, pausing when he felt the fabric of his gloves.

Well, that wouldn’t do.

And so he peeled those off, too. He lay the items neatly on the side table, except his hat. That, he hung on the bedpost.

When he looked at Delia, her gaze was soft and molten. She reached up, almost absently, and ran her fingers through his hair, tugging ever so gently on the tangles in it.

Rogier had to bite back the shameful, desperate sound crawling its way up the back of his throat. Rather than risk opening his mouth and embarrassing himself, he leaned toward her and wrapped his arms around her waist, tugging her toward him.

She let out an undignified squeak as she was dragged against his chest, hands splayed over the leather of his jerkin. He shut his eyes, willing his hands not to move from where they held her waist. He could feel the warmth of her skin through the thin fabric of the long, loose blouse she wore.

This… was a terrible idea.

The last person he’d held like this was Fia, knowing full well it meant nothing to either of them. Before her, he couldn’t remember. And if there had ever been another for whom he’d cared before that, before coming to these cursed lands, he did not remember them either.

That thought startled him into an abrupt realization.

So focused had he been on keeping her at bay, on why she shouldn’t waste her time on him, and on how she might hurt him that he hadn’t stopped to assess how he actually felt about her.

And he felt for her.

He cared for her, deeply. Too deeply, he was quickly realizing. Here, with her wrapped in his arms, he was nearly overcome with desire. Desire to hold her like this forever, desire to kiss her soft and slow until her thoughts were as muddled as his own, to burn the feeling of her into his mind and his soul. Desire to crawl into her skin and make his home between her ribs.

He was well and truly lost in her.

He felt the moment she relaxed, shimmying closer to lay half on him, her head against his shoulder. “Comfortable?” he whispered. Delia only ran her hands down his sides, tucking one arm beneath him. A shiver went through him.

“Are you cold?” she asked. Her lips brushed his neck as she spoke, and he felt gooseflesh break out over his skin. His arms tightened involuntarily around her, fingers squeezing her soft flesh.

Marika, help him. He was a disciplined man, but even his self-control had limits.

“No,” he managed, only a little shaky. He closed his eyes, determined to remain still. She nuzzled even closer, tightening her own grip on him. His hands curled further around her waist, utterly disregarding his panicked mind’s rebuke.

“Are you going to sleep?” she asked, clearly on the verge herself.

“Only if you wake me when you go,” he murmured.

There was a silence long enough that he thought her asleep already. Then, softly, “I will.”

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