#it gets to my head so much thats like 'whats the point of making this if its not gonna be perfect or accurate'
Text
i've been putting off making a formal announcement on this blog but i think i've reached a point where i can say the blog as everyone knows it is...done. the hiatus has turned into a retirement of sorts.
basically, going forward, there is no promise of any fics being posted, no more tag lists, no more icon/header changes for a hwa fic, etc. fics can be posted randomly and not just be focused on hwa, it'll be about whatever catches my attention and i want to write a fic on. this could mean months upon months with no update. it could mean i never update again. idk i am not really focusing on it.
so yeah, thats the short version. longer version under the cut.
the thing about running this blog is that over time it ended up being whatever idea i had needed to be tweaked in order to feel comfortable post it here. that could be trying to put smut scenes in, or thinking about the dynamic and how it would come across to an audience, or if i went too long without posting and it would weigh on me.
after my move to toronto, i hit burn out with the blog. i missed writing original works, and i missed the genre exploration i liked to do with original pieces such as horror. i dealt with a sort of nagging guilt if i didn't post on here for long periods of time and i felt like if i kept pushing against how my brain was going, the fics posted here would suffer in quality.
ppl who have read this far know that i don't pay attention to the amount of notes i get on my fics. i write the ideas because i want to write them. that's been my rule and once i got the sense i was writing for the blog and not writing cuz i wanted to, i realized i needed to step away from it.
so going forward, the only time this blog will be updated is if i got a story idea that naturally and organically was planned as a fic in my head. this could mean no more hwa fics ever again. it could mean fics about random video game characters. it could mean more star wars fics. or it could mean i don't update for a really long time. i don't know what form it will take. i'm not really focusing on that.
while this blog was my primary focus, i met a lot of amazing people and ended up meeting people that now mean so much to me. i had tons of nice messages sent to me. i never thought i'd get 3k followers here and that wasn't my goal, it just ended up happening.
if you read all this, thanks, and thank you to everyone who took the time to read anything i posted, it means a lot. i'll be at the toronto ateez show if anyone wants to say hi.
my main blog is @hologramhoneymoon - you can follow me there for a lot of random reblogs from a lot of random things.
94 notes
·
View notes
Text
good morning im politely requesting people look at my post abt how the ancients see each other
under the cut some closeups + a ton of additional thoughts
hollyberry + golden cheese are also part of the crew of 'thinking pv is a bit naive', but he's also the most emotionally intelligent out of all of them and incredibly empathetic and thats something they both respect a whole lot .
dark cacao on the flipside can see how much of a mental toll being empathetic can be
white lily seems to have the most "whole" thought of pv - which would make sense, she's been with him the longest and has seen every facet that is pv. but even still her worries that he's too trusting of her are eating away at her thoughts- as such a pv shapeshifter made of her subconscious Would be way more naive .
in my head white lily's pv would be the last shapeshifter and in order to tell the difference between them white lily would ask if he ever doubted her . the real pv would say that he definitely struggled and had been lost and confused- but ultimately trusts her above all else . vs the shapeshifter who would just say "no I'd never doubt you" .
i didnt have room for it but i think dark cacao also recognizes hollyberrys seriousness . if you get drunk with someone enough times you'll start to piece together the really vulnerable moments you had with eachother . i think hollyberry and dark cacao have the closest relationship and im not saying this because im in love with both of them
golden cheese has a bit of a recollection issue and you can see that with hollyberry + cacao the most. golden cheese reminisces a Lot and that affects how she remembers the othera . hollyberrys is a bit of a trickier thing but in this instance golden cheese doesnt remember the braids. she knows hollyberry has a different outfit than before but doesn't pay it much mind
you might have noticed the pattern at this point of pure vanilla having a bit of a cutesy interpretation of all the ancients. he loves his friends so much that he has a bit of a harder time being critical of them. he thinks dark cacaos seriousness/grumpiness is endearing. to be honest its partly an inverse of shadow milks interpretation of the ancients (simple and positive vs simple and negative) but that wasnt entirely intentional. just interesting to notate now that im thinking of it
hollyberrys dark cacao is a bit of an inverse also to what i was talking about with dark cacaos hollyberry . shes seen the sweeter more heartfelt side of dark cacao and that shines through to her
if it wasnt for the outfit + hair, golden cheese's dark cacao would have probably been the last shape shifter standing
and i will stand by the dragon cacao headcanon till the day i die
golden cheese's was fun to think about bc of the little details that are different between the different shapeshifters- specifically in the neck area (bc thays the only portion you guys get to see) . dark cacaos is a bit more of a hanbok style, white lily has a turtleneck thing kind of happening, etc etc. i think pure vanilla has the most accurate idea of what she looks like .
i think white lilys interestingly enough would be the last one standing because i honestly dont think her golden cheese would even be talking with her :(( so we'd only really find out the difference when white lily's gc is forced to talk to her . white lily thinks that gc hates her and wants her gone but golden cheese's feelings are wayy wayyy more complicated. golden cheese doesn't want white lily gone she Is glad that she's back but its also hard. everything she loves is gone right now . but she's going to find a way to get it back- and if white lily can help than maybe that'll rekindle their relationship.
the cuteification beam still reaches for white lily despite how much pv knows her . i doubt this would help with white lilys feelings that pv is being naive bc shes looking at a shapeshifter based off of pvs subconscious and that subconscious is showing so mucy nostalgia it probably hurts
hollyberry in the past probably really babied white lily + pure vanilla because she Knows theyre not eating . shes observant as hell and will always demand they have at least one bite of something in order to figure out if they're Really "not hungry".
the last one would probably land on golden cheese's bc again . her feelings are complicated and as such her subconscious would showcase that multifaceted issue of "knowing this is your friend and also knowing your friend is responsible for your kingdoms destruction".
#📗; my post#💚; art tag#r; 🪻#r; 🍻#sorry to the 3 others im not dating ill figure tags one day maybe#cookie run kingdom#cookie run#pure vanilla cookie#hollyberry cookie#dark cacao cookie#golden cheese cookie#white lily cookie
58 notes
·
View notes
Note
Do you have any tips for writing? Or you just go with the flow and hope for the best
I do have tips yeah, but keep in mind this is just how it works for me, there are probably lots of different approaches that are equally good.
My writing is pretty character driven so that drives a lot of my process.
When I'm writing I want to have a sense of how a character experiences the world, so I ask myself questions like this:
-Are they more cerebral, in their head? Or are they more sensory
-How much tolerance do they have for bad things and feelings?
-How do they react when something good happens?
-Do they celebrate their wins or react with anxiety because winning adds pressure?
-Are they embarrassed by compliments or do they take them well? If they're embarrassed do they get flustered or gruff?
-Do their outward reactions match the way they feel inside?
-Do they lie well? If they do is there anything they can't lie about?
-What do they need to feel secure?
-What calms them down?
-What are their coping mechanisms? Make sure there are some bad ones (I mean that, imo a good character needs real flaws)
-Do they speak directly about their feelings or do they talk around things
There's a lot more questions like that that you can ask yourself, and know the answers to those things makes it a lot easier to figure out how they would react to whatever you want to throw at them in the plot. Sometimes a character is going to be resistant to something you want to do and it's worth it to take the time (both IRL and in the plot) to figure out what that character needs to get them to a place where they're ready to react the way you need for the plot point.
Dialogue and Language
Another big thing for me is dialogue, as well as the language you use in general for describing things from a character's perspective. I'm not exactly sure out to describe this exactly, but I'll give an example. Stu uses a lot more casual and shortened language than Billy ('cause, gonna, sayin', ect.), and he's a lot more willing to use goofy slang than Billy is (dope, rad, the bomb).
Both of them use some movie language but Billy uses more- referring to his life plans and experiences as "the plot", referring to his field of view as "the shot", stuff like that.
Billy on the other hand uses slightly more formal, occasionally more dramatic language. He's less likely to use shortened words if he's not actively having sex, and when he swears he's more likely to say fuck than shit. He also refers to a lot more using critical language. Things are stupid, dumb, asinine, ect.
for both of them though I generally try to stick to more common language. Theres lots of fun words in the thesaurus, but if they don't sound like something a 19/20 year old dude would say I'm not going to try to find something else.
Plot
There are different kind of arcs to consider when you're figuring out pacing. For me I try to make sure chapters have an arc- I try to introduce an issue in the start, the characters navigate that through the chapter, and the tension rises toward the end until it comes to a head somehow. In my writing thats often a sex scene or a fight (or both).
I also try to consider the overarching plot. where do I want my characters to end up by the end of the story and what needs to happen to get them there? I don't like introducing plot elements out of nowhere, so I often try to mention things at least in an offhand way before they become important to the plot.
Practically the way I approach this is to figure out plot milestones. as an example for Debaser we start with a choking encounter that results in both of them having a sexual experience. That leads to an exploration of more power/painplay under the guise that it's not sexual, until they get to the point of having to admit that it sexual.
At that point its a slippery slope, especially after Maureens murder, which is a bonding experience. It sort of continues on that way, but they're all steps that move Billy into a place where he's more willing to let himself do what he actually wants.
I'm sure there's more I could say but this is the most useful advice I can think of right now. Basically know your characters! Know more about them than you think you'll need to to write the story, because you'll be shocked how much of it you can use to fill in blanks in a way that feels genuine.
I hope that helps!
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
I wanted to say thank you to everybody who left a nice comment on my Leonardo Ghost 💖The longer I work on all the things I got going on, the more my mind gaslights me into thinking that Leo is incredibly unfinished and I am very bad for not being an update machine, but your kind comments about how well-made he is always quell my anxiety and make me remember that it's not a crime if I leave him as he is. I did a good enough job. Adding stuff can wait. He's good enough.
Thank you 💗
#yes i stare at all the kind comments and consume them intently#ghost future leonardo#ghost future leonardo dev#thank you <3#being a perfectionist is the WORST thing#it gets to my head so much thats like 'whats the point of making this if its not gonna be perfect or accurate'#somebody needs to aim a gun at me and tell me 'whenever is in your head is fine just put it down on the goddamn paper'
82 notes
·
View notes
Text
This is technically a Diana's age poll but I framed it partially around Julia's rescue because that's the event I need to contextualize and whether or not Diana is a thing yet is p important for my purposes. I would keep the Pérez run and postcrisis continuity in mind when answering this bc that's when this is relevant but I'd keep in mind that even though Diana is very young there (like early 20s) we don't know I don't think if she ages differently as a child (esp as a themysciran AND being made from clay) and in some versions she is older than she looks and was made earlier
Edit: I accidentally logic-ed this out in the tags lol 🤦♀️but feel free to still vote however you want. Going to publish this anyway bc I think I made some good points later in my tags
#blah#the 45 years is a guesstimation of julias age w her being in her late 40s#bc she has a middle school aged daughter which would make you lean a bit younger but shes also highly respected prof at harvard (is she the#dept head? i think so. and has a career that would suggest older. and shes also drawn middle aged so 🤷♀️#i would say late 40s early 50s for her honestly. but i moved it down a lil bit bc of vanessas age#wait shit i may have contradicted logic here bc wasnt the diana trevor stuff supposed to have happened before dianas birth. and that was#wwii. which would be btwn 42 and 45 years. BC PÉREZ!TREVOR IS OLD I FORGOT THAT#okay so actually there still could be a question of what happened first the timeline would just be much shorter#but then wouldnt julias family be boating during wwii? that makes no sense#im definitely thinkimg too hard about this probably. logically it would make the most sense if diana was like 20smth in reality. but thats#its own basket of worms honestly. like what do you mean hippolyta only had like 20 yrs w her daughter out of a lifespan of thousands of#years. what do you MEAN she became champion and ambassador so young like#like also thats the point though. she had to wear a mask in the challenge for a reason. her inexperience with men is what makes her the kind#of ambassador they need. and her youth and relation to hippolyta and role as the baby of the amazons is one of the things that makes her#ambassadorship SO important is bc she fulfills that role in an ancient sense. where it would be a sign of great trust and respect to send#someone close to the crown as an envoy bc it shows you mean business and arent going to reneg on whatever the deal is. bc if you do they#shoot the messenger#god anyways i very much answered my own question here in the tags like 100%. esp in regards to the pérez canon bc he very much laid this out#and i was trying to weasel my way out of it. only that didnt work and the decisions he made he made for a reason and they have huge#narrative importance. damn. okay then#i always write the shittiest posts and the best tags and then have to keep the post to keep the tags#i rlly need to make these tags posts ugh. anyways keeping this up bc of my tags abt diana and ambassadorship#also sidenote I LOVE HIPPOLYTA#just though id mention that. i love how much shes motivated by love and i also love when she makes fucked up decisions bc of that and has to#live with them. woman of all time FOR REALS#god this is making me want to reread historia again lol bc its the one ww comic i own. also its fire. and hippolyta gets to make shitty#decisions motivated by emotion and live w the consequences. and the comic is actually good unlike when that happened in the messner-loebs#run. which was the other instance of that ive read rlly. 10000% sure there are others but i havent fully gotten there yet.#i mean ive read other comics where she makes painful decisions thats like her whole deal but there are different vibes to those than the two#i mentioned. like the exile thing in ww year 1 or rlly anytime she has to send diana away
5 notes
·
View notes
Note
vettonso duh (mwah)
C!!!! You know me so wel!! 🤭🤭😘
It's so funny to call them a comfort ship when they're also pretty toxic(positive) 😭 it's just such a fun ship bcs like on one hand, going through the trenches of 2010-2013, but then also like, the softness of the 2020s thus far 🥺🥺
Also I don't know why I keep doing these right before I need to go to class LMAO
#like i wouldnt say i think them in canon are obsessed with each other#I think its more that they realize theyre the only ones that can understand what the other went through and they take comfort in it#i just like it bcs its such a long lasting ship. like no way could they fix it until they get to the point theyre at now#which makes it so fun!!! cause they keep ping ponging off each other and mirroring each other until they finally come together#coming to the conclusion that you want the thing thats been with you the whole time yknow?????? 🥺🥺🥺#like yeah theyve always been circling around each other but it was such a toxic enviroment#but then finally when the dust settles theyre like 'ah youre not who i was villiainizing you as in my head'#i think also domesticity would be good for them but thats so like: end of the story#bcs you cannot erase their storyline from them. thats what makes them them!!!!!!!#like yeah i just mean yes them in domesticity is cute but as an AU hmm no. more like a natural conclusion#also nothing can fix them bcs their toxicity suits each other 🤭🤭 and i wouldnt have it any other way#why would i want to fix them!!! their horrible traits are why i love them!!!!!#anyways idk why im writing this much when they just make me: *animal screeching noises* *clawing the walls of my enclosure* *crying*#c understands what i mean :)#catie.asks.
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
through the power of delusion and yuri i can make katase taller than aoki's secretary
#snap chats#sorry had to ask myself an important question. that being How Tall Are They#im not doing my usual Rocket Science Method of figuring out heights rn idc. i unplugged my tablet and im too lazy to get it#anywya i dont have exact heights rn. i have guesstimates but what i do know is that katase is. a lot taller than i thought . i think LOL?#again dont quote me i stg im trying to make yuri its not that serious but yeah im eyeballing and whatever#and even just eyeballing it like.. it could be an angle thing.. but katase just looks a lot more leveled with mine#like god bless both secretaries get a scene where they're pretty much lined up right with their boss right#and that both them bitches the same height istfg#but yeah no like. ROUGHLY the top of katase's head is right at the tip of mine's ear. or near the top. allegedly speaking hypothetically#aoki's secretary looks so SHORT next to him tho like even angles aside its really clear she's not the same height as katase#her head comes about at just right under his head or her forehead is right at aoki's chin#ANYWAY SPECIFICS ASIDE LIKE YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE KATASE'S TALL. ER.#proof that yuri's the best theres actual height differentiation.. my god..#love how i make it seem like im ever gonna draw them again. im a lazy bastard we know me#i just wanna know if im thinking about them accurately... <- theyre my city at this point who the fuck gonna give one#ok bye im gonna think about women. also stealing the tag s4s Secretary for Secretary thats how im referring to them from now on#s4s.... love wins...
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ngl I've been having a gender crisis again on top of all the stuff that's happened with my dad, I think I still identify as male/masculine idk 🗿
Same with my ace/aro spectrum placement ☝️🗿
#comet rambles#putting in queue to deploy later#parent loss tw#just in case by association n implications ☝️🗿/nm+gen#when i get stuff set up with my checking account i was already thinking of getting a new chest binder once our personal issues with finance#has been figured out definitely#i dont wanna say much n jinx stuff so ill leave it at that#personal#gender shit is hard n i really think i may be a he/they or he/him still#or if not then closeted butch lesbian idk#most signs point to male gender identity leaning though 😔👍#also my social battery is outta wack but i needed to get this out so i apologize to anyone who i have yet to respond to/gen+nm 🥹#like i genuinely still feel as though ive been born in the wrong body and i tried to accept my feminity and it went well!!#like i started embracing my femininity the past few years and now i think im over it because it feels like i just attempted to try#and be something i wasn't if that makes any sense#i hate being referred to as she/her or as a girl even if i understand some people will still see me as fem despite my personal identity etc#its not that i hate my femininity its just i feel anything but female while still enjoying traditionally fem stuff at times#hope this makes sense#🗿👍#still ace/aro though just cant figure out if i only enjoy the thought of romance (cupiosexual/romantic) or if i feel comfy in one#i know im sex repulsed though thats for certain#as of lately chris Redfield and Albert Wesker have become two of my transition goals and idk what to do about this lmfao#i wish i was kidding#but im not 😭#sitting here like EVA shinji with his head in his hands in the damn chair image/lh#also wanna be a rootin tootin goth cowboy 🥰#if it turns out im like a comphet butch/nb lesbian im gonna shit myself though/lh+nm
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
still chewing on the idea that joel is turning jimmy into a toy. thinking about how there are only two things you need to know about jimmy: that he’s the sheriff, and he is not a toy. thinking about how those two seemingly irrefutable truths could be upended in a matter of weeks.
a man who’s body is no longer his own, who hides away from the world in shame, and he’d hide away from himself if he could, too. a deputy who cares too much, who calls out his failure to take care of himself in words that feel all too much like an attack. an election, one last punch to strip jimmy of the last piece of his irrefutable identity. and then, who is he? what is left?
#i am just. thinking about him#i imagine that for the longest time jimmy doesnt even know why the toy thing is happening or whos doing it#so he's sat in quiet agony because it's fucking embarassing that the one thing he constantly reaffirms is turnign out to be untrue#+ of course its just. Body Horror. quiet slow body horror#so when his identity is taken from him it's fwhip he blames#fwhip who had to notice. fwhip who had to act on it. fwhip who's trying to take away the one thing he has left#though maybe he'd already lost his office by then too. he stopped wearing the badge at some point - too unworthy for it in his condition#but it's still fwhip who faces the bulk of jimmy's wrath about just everything#unfairly to be clear#fwhip gets fired because he is Very Concerned and keeps bringing up stuff jimmy is trying Very Hard to ignore#and it culminates in fwhip trying to - in a joking manner - lift jimmy's sleeve or something to make sure everything is in order#get him to take off his glove or something. and jimmy flips out and fires him on the spot#i have so much bouncing around in my head for this you have no idea#feel like there might be themes that need a cw but not sure what that cw would be..??#other than body horror when thats talked about in detail#nondescript post
44 notes
·
View notes
Text
man i dontthink i can be in a real relationship ever again im just starting to process how everyone has treated me HORRIBLY
#and by everyone i mean. like 2 people. both of them were bad to me#godd i stayed with this one guy for like 4 years and he never even kissed me. but he was my first boyfriend so i just thought it was normal#he was so distant and i didnt even realize it. and then the second person came along right after he broke up with me and they#were super touchy super affectionate which i loved after being neglected for so long. but then they left me after a month.#and i never talk about it ever because i HATE talking about relationships it makes me feel like a loser.#''ohhh im so touch starved ive never felt truly loved'' what are you some kind of incel#and i need to sotp getting so attached to people who show me any kind of affection i cannot handle a relationship no matter how much i#think i want it. a friend kissed me a couple weeks and now its to the point shes been appearing in my dreams.#theyre really vivid too. i dont even know if i see her that way im not trying to process what my subconscious wants right now.#but its happened like 3 times now and i think it was because i ended up kissing her neck too. thats the main thing that happens in them.#it was so quick it didnt mean ANYTHING but my head wont let me forget about it. what the fuck ever man.#anyway. at least i can laugh about the fact the first guy broke up with me over amino
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
sometimes, just for a moment, an old habit kicks in and i think i'd be easier to love if i wasn't trans, but, to whom would i be easier to love?
#like genuinely. ok boohoo i would have a loving mom if i wasnt trans but also why do i want the love of someone who isnt willing to give it#also sometimes some part of me goes through LAYERS of transphobia and sexism and thinks i could never be ''man enough''#to date women. whichm that so fucking dumb it's funny#first of all im not going to unpack that. 2nd. i'm 5'8 and an effeminate bisexual with birthing hips inherited from my father#no amount of being a cis guy could make me masc#but my main point being. why would i want the love of these hypothetical people of theyre only willing to give it under the condition#of cisness. like? hello???#leevi talks#im in a weird mood today so you guys have to bear with me and my posts#also i have to admit. what made that thought come into my head was me being sad that there probably aren't many#women who'd want to peg me. bc i feel like the amount would be higher if i was cis#but that's still silly#but yea its weird getting a momentarily thought riddled with so much internalized transphobia and sexism etc. it makes you pause#and re evaluate everything about how you were raised bc i know thats not me but a part of me did believe something like that oncr
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
This Kylux (or more accurately, Ben/Hux) fic I've been working on since the beginning of the year really fuckin hits different given the recent tragedies in my life, oh man. I initially started it as a character study focusing on the different types of isolation Ben and Hux experience and the parallels between them, as well as Ben's grief and remorse Vs. Hux grappling with his choice to betray/ help bring about the fall of the Order he was born and raised to serve, and holy shit. I have so many feelings about this silly little AU I've created.
I took a break from writing it after I posted the last chapter in act 2 so that I could really consider what I wanted to do for the final arc and now that I've been slowly coming back to it after everything I just went through, it's put the entire thing in a totally different perspective for me. Like, this all started because I wanted to put my blorbos under a microscope and send them to space therapy, but upon closer inspection I've been putting myself in Brain Therapy this whole gd time.
I am happy to be working on it again tho, it really is one of the best stories I've ever written imo.
#look man#i process my own shit by projecting it onto my favorite characters and making them act out a dramatized#symbolically twisted version if what im feeling/experiencing#and good god does it ever help#its hard work and it takes a lot of time and creative energy#but it makes it so much easier to look at my own situation objectively and really get a handle on where my head is at#its so easy to get lost and buried in my own grief/trauma/fears but when i turn it into the foundation for a story like this#I can look back at it like little map thats keeping track of my progress and use it as a point if reference for how far ive come#screaming into the void#rambles#abt my fanfics#The Unforgivable#kylux
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
the version of my body that exists now , post t and surgery is entirely different from the idea i have of what my cis male body would look like and at some point i just have to accept that both are good and affirming
#ive spent so many late nights imagining myself as a cis guy and i’m never gonna get there and thats ok#i know what every aspect of myself could have been in my head but i dont really know that any of it would be real#what i have now is realer although its not everything i want#i think its a total lie when people act like not loving every change medical transition has made means your not trans#because i am. and i like my body a lot more now than i did before#its so much more comfortable#but im not gonna lie and say that im 100% happy with my surgery results. i might even get it redone in the future#and im not gonna say every change with t has been welcome#im happier this way sure but it doesnt have to be everything i wanted#i think the whole rhetoric of being disapointed in some changes meaning that transition wasnt worth it#bc its way more complicated than that#still the best decision i ever made but i dont know ill ever get to a point where my body is everythinng i want#bc i cant pick and choose. the transition medicine we have now is what it is#i will never get everything i want and i kinda just have to make do with what i have for the time being
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#chronically lonely and not havingn a good time#time to rant#long whiny probably triggering tags below youve been warned#im so fucking alone and its never gonna get better#nothing has ever been okay and nothing will ever be okay and tumblr post by people with so much privilege they have no idea#cant convince me life is ever gonna be okay because its not its just not thats a lie by people who already had money and friends and#stable lives at my age#‟youre too young to know‟ too bad i know how data analysis works and based on almost 18 years of data Nothing ever gets better and it rly#only ever gets worse#im not good at anything and no one likes me and no one ever will. or i will get abandoned by anyone i think i can trust because thats just#the way it always goes#the only escape and the only rational solution at this point is to put a bullet in my head#‟suicide doesnt solve anything‟ what is it not solving. I am the only reason i have problems#if i was not there to experience the problems I have. the problems would not exist#and theyre never gonna get better#if i remove myself from the equation ill never experience a negative emotion or a problem ever again therefore making there no problem#no one would miss me if i was gone and i serve no purpose besides being an annoying burden and a waste of resources#everything would be better without me#oh also i experience no positive emotions that last long enough to matter or that dont get tainted by 10x more negative ones#so staying around to experience positive things doesnt work bc i literally only feel numb or angry or hopeless#btw im in therapy and on 3 psych meds i think im just a lost cause#no point!#this is not a suicide note i have no means of doing so I'm just really frustrated and nothing is okay at all so i needed to rant ok byeeee
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#today has been a day. as in time did pass. the earth rotated. and i accomplished very little#bc im just feeling paralyzed and not so good. and i guess thats understandable#like i understand y its happening but its not any less frustrating. mostly its just knowing that i have to make life altering decisions in#the next few weeks. and the pressure of: if i dont decide to go for this one project then they dont get a student and they dont get funding#that makes me pretty nauseous. and knowing i have an interview Thursday that im not ready for and i dont really wanna do#and its a product of not talking to people like a human being. like i just dont interact with people much. when im in the lab i mostly#stand around looking unapproachable or go in when i kno there's no one there and i just dont have close friends so i dont really talk to or#text anyone. i just work and fail to get things done. so then when im in a situation where i have to talk to ppl its all anxious shrapnel#or me dominating the conversation bc i cant stand the pauses and i have so much obsessivly rotatinf in my head. and i hate it. im so sick#of hearinf my own voice but no one talk in the way i want them to. i get so bored. and i want to ask pressing and uncomfortable things but#i kno i shouldnt. but i also dont really have a filter so ill just say fucking whatever. which is what i did Saturday when a triggering#topic of conversation arose. so now my lab mate officially knows too much. but whatever wtf is he gonna do abt it. i just get so annoyed#bc now its in my head. thr fact it set me off and that i overshared and that now its in my head. annoying.#and it doesn't help with the writing things i need to finish. bc i dont like feeling like ive done something wrong and one of the reviewers#has good points. which also probably means ill have to redo my 8 days of measurements so far#but i also might b able to shorten the timeline so idk. just a lot is happening rn and i feel the pressure and by brain doesn't like#pressure. and not doing things rn is not good. things need to be done#so idk i dont feel good but it makes sense. by the end of February hopefully things will b figured out#and i should sleep and hope for a better tomorrow#unrelated
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
I need to fucking stop getting attached to characters dead parents my mental health can't take this-
#rat rambles#oc posting#anyways thinking abt mocha's mom again#just fucking hell man she deserves way better than what I gave her like holy shit#I love her so so much and she fucking dies like who decided this I need a fucking word with them (<- decided this)#also shout out to the unnamed mom of like 2 other unnamed characters from different stories#shes kinda a garbage person but also. gestures at a bunch of shit Im not comfortable with talking abt yet#also shout out to her childhood friend who was also the corpse that was used to make bud#Ive gotta design her at some point it should be easy enough shes just a shorter bud recolor#she doesnt rly count as a dead parent I dont think but she gets the honerable mention anyways since she also sorta does#in my minds eye her ghost sticks around by bud after she dies but thats not strictly canon#she was a warrior who lead a rebelion against the head goverment of the main kingdom and thats why she and the other mom fell out#they both got badly injured fighting eachother on the battlefield and died soon after#anyways back to mocha's mom she deserved to grow and improve so so bad and it kills me that she didnt#get this girl a fucking therapist my god
3 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
elusivesunset
Welcome To My Random Blog Of Fun!
chillguypuchong
Vers Guy Puchong
gue-rrilha
Jah Bless ✌
elusivesunset
Welcome To My Random Blog Of Fun!