#stable lives at my age
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#chronically lonely and not havingn a good time#time to rant#long whiny probably triggering tags below youve been warned#im so fucking alone and its never gonna get better#nothing has ever been okay and nothing will ever be okay and tumblr post by people with so much privilege they have no idea#cant convince me life is ever gonna be okay because its not its just not thats a lie by people who already had money and friends and#stable lives at my age#‟youre too young to know‟ too bad i know how data analysis works and based on almost 18 years of data Nothing ever gets better and it rly#only ever gets worse#im not good at anything and no one likes me and no one ever will. or i will get abandoned by anyone i think i can trust because thats just#the way it always goes#the only escape and the only rational solution at this point is to put a bullet in my head#‟suicide doesnt solve anything‟ what is it not solving. I am the only reason i have problems#if i was not there to experience the problems I have. the problems would not exist#and theyre never gonna get better#if i remove myself from the equation ill never experience a negative emotion or a problem ever again therefore making there no problem#no one would miss me if i was gone and i serve no purpose besides being an annoying burden and a waste of resources#everything would be better without me#oh also i experience no positive emotions that last long enough to matter or that dont get tainted by 10x more negative ones#so staying around to experience positive things doesnt work bc i literally only feel numb or angry or hopeless#btw im in therapy and on 3 psych meds i think im just a lost cause#no point!#this is not a suicide note i have no means of doing so I'm just really frustrated and nothing is okay at all so i needed to rant ok byeeee
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your tags on parenting make me super emotional <3 that's exactly the kind of parent I want to be one day
Thanks! I feel the same way honestly. I have a lot of opinions about parenting and I can't say that I will be the perfect parent because that doesn't exist. I can't even say that my hypothetical future kid/kids will be perfect because children don't grow in a vacuum. I can only control what I do and say and try to be the best version of myself and hope for the best.
#i often hear people say that involved parenting is too difficult to be realistic or that modeling behavior is too hard#and yeah. yeah it is. it is one of the most difficult things a person can do. but who the fuck has a kid thinking it'll be easy?#kids are hard work and commitment. they should never be something done on a whim. you should never half ass raising a kid#and not to say that people should be perfect all the time or that people shouldn't have 'me' time#its just that i genuinely don't understand people who shove their kid into as many activities as possible to get away from them#or put all their hopes and dreams and expectations on them. if it's so easy and attainable to live up to your expectations as a parent#then do it first. you want your kid to have straight A's? great. show me your report card at that age#im just... kids are just people. and they just want to hang out with their parents and receive love and attention#and anyway ive lost my point im just very passionate about this topic#very passionate#when im older and financially stable I want to foster teenagers i think. i want to be there for them and model healthy adult behavior#and help them make that transition. i want to be that person for them. because everyone needs help and love and family#and honestly? my parents fostered kids my entire life. THEY MODELED THAT BEHAVIOR#i understand that family is not a given. i understand that family is above all else forged. and that applies to everyone#not just found family or fostering. if you don't know your bio child then can you really call yourself family?#family is *forged* regardless of the context. and if it isn't? if you skip that step with your bio kids? well thats a major fucking issue#anyway nothing but respect for my parents who bought groceries for my foster sister when she was out of care. FOR MONTHS#nothing but respect for my parents who took me with them to give my foster sister their old stroller when she needed it#nothing but respect for my parents who take in my old foster brother every weekend to 'babysit' because they know he isnt in a loving house#nothing but respect for my parents who adopted my siblings without a word when they asked#honestly they are why i am who i am today. i was a kid with adhd and learning disabilities who hated school#and now I'm an honors student and getting my doctorate. because they did the academia with me#and im not saying they did my schoolwork. im saying that they assigned books to read over the summer and we would read them as a family#and we would discuss the literary concepts and themes together as a family. i love dissecting media! and thats because of my parents!#it was a family activity! same goes for science and art and music#and coding and history ect ect#anyway im going off on a tangent but basically what im saying is that my parents didn't ship me off to camp every summer#we just did things as a family together. i remember the time and bonding with them. and i modeled that behavior#and not to brag but i think I turned out alright#anyway tangent over!
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hi so so sorry if this sounds genuinely deranged but I need to know did you write a fanfiction in like 2014 that was set during ww2 where zoro from one piece was sent to a japanese internment camp and sanji went to conversion therapy I remembered it recently because it blew my mind at age 13 and I had to reread it + need a kind of where are they now with the author so if that's you 1) what's your stance on the fic today 2) how much of the research was done during writing and how much did you just know beforehand and used as inspo 3) did you have any ideas for where the other characters ended up because I did always wonder if like idk chopper overcame the trauma of being in the war and also just what usopp's situation would be in general what with the political climate. once again. if you didn't actually write this fic so sorry this must look like the ravings of a crazy person. godspeed
Hi. Uh, yeah I did write that fic. I would have been like only 17 at the time. I did do A LOT of research, like the fic was basically an excuse for me to research Japanese internment and WWII history in general bc I thought it was super fucked up. I was absolutely hyperfixated on the topic and my parents probably thought i was nuts for my ability to talk at length on this particular area of history. I just finished skim reading back through the fic and woof. What a bleak fucking story. I was very cruel to everyone. It's frustrating bc I think it's an interesting and compelling idea for a story. But to me it feels like: here is all the research I did and also characters talking in what feels like a too modern way. Plus, I was 17 and didnt understand people very well. I wish I had the energy and motivation to rewrite it. Although, I forgot I used to do song lyrics at the start of each chapter and the tonal dissonance of Owl City lyrics at the top of a chapter of harrowing events around the time of WWII is unfathomablly unhinged.
#as for where r they now? i forgot the last chapter was like fuck u nothing matters life goes on sanji probably died of lung cancer#like jesus dude calm down. i think now id give them a bit of a softer ending#like i mean sanji still prob dying of lung cancer but he lives a long life with zoro and thry make the most of the time they have together#and i mean when u see horrific things in war i imagine its something u never really get over but i think the crew members that became#soldiers go on to live fuffilling lives and usopp finds a stable and relatively well paying job. gets married and lives happily ever after#god. its so frustrating to me that ill probably never rewrite this. it could habe been so good#but i just dont have thst kind of energy. i do think abt this fic more than almost all my other tho#im glad u liked it anon. its a fucking unhinged fic just from the perspective of: rural ohio teen wants to research a fucked up aspect of#ww 2 history and decides to write a fucking fanfic abt it. like bro what why. but idk weird weird times#there could have been themes and exploration of trauma and adversity. complex relationships. but no u get cringe written by a child#and now at the age of nearly 26 i am old and tired. christ thst was almost 10 years ago. i was a whole different human#weird the fanfics that stick with u. i have many i think abt from hs. wonder where the authors r now...#unrelated#i also forgot that in the authors nots i was like: if u r a n4zi fucking kill yourself.#which i standby but i was not expecting to see thst in the notes of a one piece fic i wrote as a kid good god
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my mother is mental for thinking we're going to live together when they're senile i'd rather kill myself 😭
#as selfish as it sounds their dying age will fall in the same time slot as my 'prime' or whatever#i do not want to be 30 and put my life on hold to care for them when my sisters will have grown children and stable#careers by then.#WHY is my mother hellbent on it being me.#not that i wouldnt care for them but I do not want to live with them at that point. please. goddddddd.#i need my space i need my privacy#if i lived with them id have none.
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it’s been so unbelievably nice having more and more time where i’m not in survival mode or some state of hyper-vigilance
#punch therapy#my own blog so i can ramble more here#being legitimately abused for every year of my life except this last year + some months was so so so stressful#it was so hard dealing with my hypervigilance straight up every day of my fweakin life#it’s been the primary most stressful symptom of my [various mental disorders and traumas]#and also the most significant#i’ve been aware i had issues with it since i was a young teenager (talking like 13 here) just because i was lucky enough to find resources#about it at an early age#and now#that i’m finally living a significantly more stable life where i don’t have to eggshell every little thing i do online or irl#really i don’t have to eggshell at all period#and i don’t have to be scared of literally everything in the world#it makes me so relieved that i cry whenever it hits me that i don’t have to be hypervigilant anymore#so so so much tension in my body relaxes and so much stress clouding my mind clears#i’m so thankful to be where i am with my boyfriend and the/my kitties and the home we have#save
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the struggle of wanting to plop young dean down in new jersey like literally where i live for a fic but not wanting to say where i live sjkdfjsf
#john rents out a cheap basement apartment and leaves them there for like almost a full school yr#while he takes on cases up and down the east coast#i'm thinking dean's like 17 post-nun burning and is gonna have a lil coming of age movie arc#they live close enough to the local schools that they can walk bc dean doesnt have the impala yet#and dean also takes the train (nj transit babeyyy. horrible awful transportation system) and goes to like asbury for punk shows#ends up at a gay bar and has a good honest eye opening chat with an older man (who may or may not be time traveling cas idk yet)#if it's Not part of my series of sort of interconnected time traveling cas one shots then maybe it could be an AU where cas is the same age#idk tho. im not rly that far into the details. just a broad dreamy sketch of the story#oh also they live close to a horse farm (there are. many around here) and dean goes for walks and passes it a lot and waves to the horses#and one day the guy who works there gets to talking w him and invites him to meet the horses and walk around the ranch (a girl can dream)#maybe he ends up getting a little job there cleaning the stables idk#and all throughout there's also this longing to go to the shore. and it's. very close by like they are not far from the beach#but it feels untouchable it feels like a place he can never go and it's all in his head and he's holding himself back and its a metaphor ofc#anyways yeah. i think putting him in jersey could fix him or give him new issues. one of those#vic.txt
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medical status: fell from a bicycle in the rain because i got scared of a car driving <30 kmph
#will take this opportunity to talk about how ive been#so. basically im good!#my family and friends are as ok as it gets here/in germany/in ukraine#ive been in switzerland for almost a month now#me n my friend live with a local family in their house. theyre very nice :) weve a separate room for ourselves its great#got money food devices etc#go on walks and enjoy the free public transport........or erm......... also bikes#i go to deutsch courses so im almost a proud A1 user. ich kann deutsch sprechen etc!#WE PLAYED D&D WITH SOME LOCAL NERDS WHICH WAS WILD#i dm'd for the first time in ages and it was awesome and everyone liked it and we'll play again in 2 weeks!#i still wanna return to ukraine asap but im super terrified on what horrible developments could happen on may 9 so im j. im just sitting#want the war to be overrrrrrrrrrrrrrr wanna find out if my apartments been bombed (probably yeah its in a Hot District)#found out that Knoppers tm r is a great chocolate bar so if youre ever in der schweiz or deutschland i do recommend you try it#watched Santa Clarita Diet. absolutely incredible and i loved it all the way#couldnt watch sonic 2 -- genuinely a horrible movie. turned off on the moment with siberian guys dancing classical ukrainian hopak#no offence especially to my treasured mutual t4tails sorry#ummmm ated a fucking chip......................... listen my life has been fucking slow ok#i just wanna go back and fullfill my OG plan of QUIT JOB STREAM TWITCH !!!#BUY GAMING PC for that i need STABLE HOUSING and for that . well :)#sigh#imma play stardew valley now. my leg hurts. see ya soon + hopefully i figure out the drawing situash cause i wanna draw digitally#yoo my post
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on top of some stuff my 20-year old horse is feeling unwell:( she is a finnhorse and her name is hippu and she suffers from an old traumatic injury that has changed her locomotion pattern and simply old age-related arthritis (partially due to her awful conformation because she was a twin foal and was squeezed in the womb)
ive owned her for over a decade and cant imagine life without her. a horse could live up to 30+ but 20 is old too of course... its just a shame if her life quality gets too bad to be sustainable due to an accident that happened years ago:(
i want her to live pain-free for as long as she can but options are a little limited money-wise, besides physical rehab that i should do but cant do super often bc of my own cringe fail health which is also such a shame:( i just dont want her to be put down yet just because of my own health and incapability to do certain things so i hope...
i wanted to be a professional equestrian once and we did showjumping (higher than this obstacle i promise haha). and then i wanted to be a horse masseuse too. funny to think about right now. heres a funny picture of us probably from a decade ago
please send hippu good thoughts!
shes a very sweet mare. shes also very temperamental but she treats you well as long as you treat her well. she was put on sale because she was too wild and i had a horse girl movie arc with her from the horse who “couldnt go anywhere alone/doesnt stand for the farrier or vet and has to be sedated lest she try to kill the person/cant be trusted in competitions” to a horse who led me home when it was winter and it became too dark for me to see the path in the woods and i told her to take me home, so she did and i eventually could see the lights of the stable and knew where i was haha...
i hope she feels better soon:(
#ive probably lived more of my life with her than without. like life i actually remember. my childhood is a black hole i can barely remember#hippu is really important to me but stable stuff is such a fucking shithole weve had awful luck at stables in the past...#shes gotten hurt at some stables and even used without my consent to give lessons etc:( i just want her to live well in her old age#she loves the foals at the stable we are at now and works very hard to be their cranky but loving grandma...:( i hope she can continue doin#animal death - i suppose (referenced as being put down)#my horse
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I've been added to a class reunion whatsapp group and everyone is having kids and I'm just there like 'I'm literally a child. Someone please pick me up, I'm so scared here amongst all these adults :'('
#why has god forsaken me#my ex best friend gave my number to that guy organizing this and AFTERWARDS asked if it was okay#bitch no it's literally not?!#if you had asked me I'd have said no? why can you text me AFTER giving my number to people i haven't spoken to in 20 years but not before#to ask for consent?#WHY IS EVERYONE MARRIED AND HAVING CHILDREN#STOP IT! YOU'RE SCARING ME!#me sitting in my shabby student apartment writing my silly little bachelor's thesis watching everyone i started school with#having stable jobs and families and actual lives#:)#jesus also why do you torture me with these memories#i had successfully suppressed the trauma i got from this school ahahaha#I'm so tired lmao#yeah you're sleep deprived because of your toddlers booho#look at me! I'm sleep deprived due to a much less exciting and a lot more pathetic reason#(also i don't even want to ever be pregnant but seeing all these profile images with baby bellies or children just#makes me feel alienated as hell. these people are my age and are actual adults. how. where did i go wrong.
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upstairs neighbor is vacuuming at midnight and i am just like thank gd you're a freak like me we can work together on the project of insomniac cohabitation (only do household chores at extremely odd hours of the night)
#this is such a problem i have a real hard time living with people because the circadian rhythm that keeps me most stable & into which#my body settles naturally wherever i am#is like 1 am-10 am#depending on stress or seasons or circumstances it might be 3 am-11 am#with intermittent 12-#hour and 16-hour Power Sleep periods where i just can't stay awake#usually this is after an absence seizure or a migraine#or when i have to do any kind of sustained activity esp if it involves getting up early & talking to people a lot#after last social thing which was especially Hard i slept for almost 20 hours and nearly went nonverbal#& had my first seizure in a long time#im getting more functionally impaired with age and am not handling it well at All lol
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age 0-18 is like i need to be older than i am now. i need to grow up so i can finally live my life. and age 19-21 is like ok i’m finally an adult but i don’t feel like it at all lol so..what am i supposed to do with my life ? and 22 and beyond is just feeling so old like you wasted your entire life and can’t relate to anyone and there’s nothing you can do about it at all
#i know im straight up wasting my life whatever that means and i literally cant remember the last 7 years because i did nothing#everything feels too late to start and i just feel like an idiot i feel like a literal baby whos never done anything ever before in the body#of like a 40 year old mother i have absolutely no concept of who i am or what is going on and i literally feel so old i want to kill myself#literally i see people my age and by see people i mean watch youtubers and im like ok theyre still young and then i think about myself and#im like lmao u are so old and u have no idea what is going on like i cant take much more of this. i think it's mostly because i spent my#whole life trying to be older because i was just never the right age for anything i always needed to be older for everything#and now i am and i missed my opportunities for everything i wanted to do and now im realizing i never took advantage of being young#and whatever midlife crisis i know but i just feel so out of it lately like im not even here and i just wasted my whole life and that's that#and yes midlife crisis not quarter life crisis because im not living much longer bc if i feel this way in my 20s i wont make it to#my late 30s#i just ! feel like i missed the part of my life where i do something good and can feel stable and like ok. ive lived some life and done this#and this and this and it's like no i havent. ive just been waiting for something to happen that's never going to happen and i dont even know#what the something i would be waiting for is but ive been waiting and nothing happens unless you do it yourself and i just waited too#long to figure that out and now im just a failure through and through#literally just dead weight floating around the universe
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oh my massive time off request got approved lol definitely seeing em cee pirate noise four times in september screaming crying throwing up
#text#my post#mobi#not that it was up for debate i have Four Tickets#me age 12 if they ever come back i’m seeing them as much as i possibly can live :)#me age 25 with a stable stream of income promise?#music:mcr
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I'm having Jackie thoughts godddddd I love her sm I want her to find happiness so that she can lose it in a way that's entirely her own fault and fall down a deeper spiral of misery and self destruction that will only lead to worse things for everyone ever
#rat rambles#oni posting#jackie and olivia make me crazy its so important to me that they make eachother worse#I am screaming into the void can anyone hear me are there any doomed toxic yuri enjoyers in the oni fandom Im so alone#I mean theres like what. 3 ppl who give a shit abt oni lore. I can't act surprised that theres barely any jackie stuff theres barely stuff#hey I wont complain too much I wanna live in a world where no one genuinely ships jackie and olivia so Im ok with this#they are in love with each other but they should never be in a stable long term relationship they should either be dicorced or in desperate#need of a divorce or at best actively making eachother worse but theyre content being terrible ppl together#and if that last one is the case they need to be like actively miserable the whole time anyways they arent my blorbos unless they are <3#I wanna watch these middle aged women fuck up everything
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its rly easy to not be sad abt it and turn it to anger actually i just have to remember the last conversation we had
#‘this is called ‘gaslighting’#like…. ok.#i was being petty and i was upset are my emotions some sort of threat to you?? 🤨#did i emotionally manipulate you by telling you it was my bday? 🤨#did you get then get mad at me because i said i was sorry for making you feel that way but it really wasnt your fault at all? 🤨#did you then tell me i was fickle for deleting a message? 🤨#and like did you really expect me to be emotionally stable after i fell for a guy five years my senior who lives in a different country lol.#at the age i’m at.#j
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Blasting Alistair with a bisexual beam so he'll date my Dwarven casteless twink
#Mods are great#And my Brosca doesn't give a fuck about being the kings kept man#His sister is doing it and he was going his own noble hunting in between Carta shit#He only wasn't a full time noble hunter because it's less stable for men since they can't lock it in with an heir#Dragon age#He was hoping to be able to get enough money from some rich guy to stop having to do violence for the Carta#And then bam even more violence for the wardens.#Dude can't live out his gay twink dreams in peace
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Random thought!
But just imagine 35 years old CEO Gojo Satoru falling in love with the young woman whom he hired to be his surrogate.
Desperate at this point to fulfill his role as CEO and the heir of his family clan, he knew he had no other choice but to find someone who would be willing to give birth to his child.
He thought his ex-wife was the one. After all, she was pregnant when they were still together. When the due date came around and Satoru heard that she gave birth to a healthy baby boy, he was over the moon until he saw the baby for himself.
He knew that that wasn't his baby. Blonde hair and green eyes? No one in his family had blonde hair and green eyes. So he asked for a DNA test. His ex-wife refused at first, but then she gave in, and when the test came back, the baby was 99.99%, not his child.
He was broken. He served her divorce papers the following day, and after everything he had done for her, this is how she chose to repay him. As if cheating wasn't enough, she had to get pregnant and gave birth to another man’s child.
So now here he is sitting in a cafe waiting for the surrogate.
...
You didn't have much of a choice. 26 years of age and still struggling to get your bachelor's degree just so that you could live a comfortable life and be financially stable.
But with the way things are right now, you knew that it was an impossible task to complete your final year. You could hardly manage to pay your school fee. You kept on getting rejection letters from student loans, and let's face it, you barely had time to study to even try to get a scholarship.
So now you're stuck looking for a quick and easy way to make money. You had little options, and prostitution just so happened to be one of them. And you almost turned to it, that's until you heard that a "rich" CEO was looking for a woman who was willing to give birth to his heir.
So now that's how you ended up in the situation to you're in currently. Nervously playing with your fingers as sat across from no other than Gojo Satoru.
"Your name is Y/N?"
"Yes, and you're Mr. Gojo Satoru."
He shook his head yes while taking a sip of his coffee. "I hope you don't mind meeting like this. I thought it would be better to meet in a more casual setting instead of my office. I don't want to intimidate you."
"That's fine, Mr. Gojo."
"Before we get started, are you sure you want to do this? I want you to be absolutely sure because once you sign the contract, there is no backing out of it."
You shook your head yes before responding, "it's something that I've thought about deeply, Mr. Gojo, and after reading through the contract a few times, I came to the conclusion that I would rather have a baby for a stranger who is willing pay to me more than what my school fee is worth than go and become a prostitute."
He was shocked by your words but said nothing of it. It wasn't his place to say anything or have any comment about your personal life.
"Well then, I guess we can go ahead and meet with our lawyers and sign the contract."
"Lawyers? I thought... I can't afford a lawyer right now," you said to him.
He chuckled, "I figured that that would be the case. No worries, I had already hired a lawyer for you."
"You did?" You asked. Just then, the door to the cafe burst opened, and in came a man and a woman dressed in suits.
"Ah, there they are. Right on time."
Gojo stood up and greeted the lawyers before he introduced you to them. The man, Mr. Nanami Kento is his lawyer, and the woman Tetsu Akari is your lawyer. First impression she has a kind and calm aura around her.
But let's move down the line.
You four all sat and discussed what was on the contract, and before you signed it, Gojo asked, "Is there anything that you need to clarify before signing the contract."
"Yes, uhm, it's about the procedure. Are we going to uhm... have... uhm intercourse to conceive the baby?"
"We could since it's the safe way to go about this, but no," he answered with a small smile on his face.
"Ok then, where do I sign."
This is the beginning of how Gojo Satoru fell in love with the woman he hired to be his surrogate.
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