.

What the fuck do I do?...

**tw emotional/physical abuse mentions**

posted this on reddit with different ages and such so he wont find it but he doesnt use tumblr so I wanted to post here to see if yall had some suggestions as well any help would be greatly appreciated or to just know someone read would also be enough... with that said I'll paste the post.

to start I'm 23f and the fiance is 38m

I have an idea of what i should do i just sincerely dont want to i dont want to leave him homeless and without money or a job...

but the last few months have me scared and confused...

(during arguments he let's me write down what's happening when I hear something that stands out to me in Hope's itll help me fix my behaviour i got from my parents so ive been able to write down exact wording on some things said) theres just so much going on...

to preface this hes never been physically abusive to me and thankfully it's not there yet. in his defense though i was raised very incorrectly due to shit parents and I have a lot of mental issues that cause self sabotage, delusional thinking- meaning If I personally believe something it usually takes a small war to get my mind to recognize im actually wrong, as well as terrible memory so if I do acknowledge I've done something wrong more often than not my head forgets what happened or what i even did wrong if anything and the next time it inevitably happens again I have no information to pull from to tell me what I did was wrong or why. so basically I'm kind of a fuck up, I'm doing my best to fix my shit but yeah my fiance has been dealing with all of that for 4 years now.

(*some minorly important issues

•he's been interrupting me not letting me finish what I'm saying and just outright changing the topic since we first got together, although wrong of me I started doing that as well because i saw no other way to be able to speak to him except even when I'm doing the exact same shit hes doing it seems like hes the only allowed to be upset.

•we were in an open relationship except he didnt follow the rules we agreed to one time and that broke my trust I had for him. we said no coworkers, we said only people we were both interested in we said no one that's taken and yet all of those got broken over an ugly bitch. and I still get shit for bringing it up to this day.

•he said that until I start prefacing all of my conversations with him he wont count any attempt I've made at talking to him about my problems. so basically everything I've tried talking to him about doesnt fucking matter and it doesnt fucking count. not even when I tried telling him 3 separate times I'm feeling suicidal to top it off everytime i mentioned it, it ended in an argument.

•he told me he got suicidal thoughts for the first time in 10 years due to me and honestly I didnt know how to fucking respond to that. it made me sad yeah but where was the care I needed when I brought up the same thing? where was his give a fuck hes supposed to show if he actually cares about me??

•he says he interrupts me because what I have to say is either false, not grounded in reality, or they're excuses. except he has little to no way of knowing any of that is true unless he hears me all the way out I could be agreeing with him and he still interrupts and gets pissed.

•I believe hes a hypocrite but he says nah hes only doing this because I'm doing bad.

•hes said multiple times that i wont see any improvement in him until he sees I've got my shit together. even though hes the one that caused the first problems in this relationship I'm supposed to be the first one to fix my shit? instead of both of us working on our shit together??? and when I ask those questions he responds with yes you are supposed to be the first one to fix your shit because I'm at the end of my rope and I wont take this anymore.)

but on to why I've been scared. this person told me he used to be abusive with an equally abusive ex for many reasons and after splitting up he vowed to never do that again and never end up like they did.

fast forward to our relationship and well a few months ago he told me he wanted to hit me and made it a point to say he wasnt going to but he really wanted to.

he said that because we were both in my car and he wanted to leave with the car except I wasnt going to get out of MY car so he started yelling, i got scared and left later on he told me that was the first time hes ever wanted to hit me and I should think about what it is I did to get him to that point. after that I left it alone for a month because things got a bit better and then came the next time he said he wanted to hit me. now I dont remember the reason for him saying it the second time but I wasnt going to let that slip as easily as the first so I spoke up about it and what he had to say about me telling him it made me scared of him to know he wanted to hit me was " well if you Weren't a coward, normally when someone says they want to hit you it's a signal that you're doing something so wrong that they want to hit you." and me knowing him i knew this was one of those times he just wasnt going to budge.

so on to the next argument.

he told me I'm the one who thrust those thoughts into him, that I'm the reason they ever came to be, I'm why the exist in the first place. and he doesnt seem to understand when I say that no I'm not the reason your head wants to hurt me they exist there because of your last relationship letting that be an option. he also said he keeps the option of abuse in his head with a line in front of it to remind him to never pass that line and he doesn't understand that keeping that idea in his head at all is not a good thing because now the option is available whether you want to take it or not and

he. just. kept. arguing. and defending.

now on to the last argument.

he says he wants me to stop putting him in a position to do all the thinking and decision making for me, when I've asked him multiple times to stop doing that because I want to do shit for myself and all he keeps saying is show me that you can actually think for yourself and I'll stop needing to do that. like motherfucker at least give me the time to make decisions or thoughts.

I know it's not his fault that I take longer to process things but he knows this fact and keeps expecting me to already have a response half a second later to something I'm barely registering 5 seconds after it happened and again yes I know its something I have to work on and I am but atm it's still an existing issue.

hes trying to call thinking for me and making decisions for me "a gift" (the exact context for him saying this wasnt written down as I was too upset at the audacity of that claim.)

he wants me to show overwhelming efforts to fix my fucked behavioral issues but the efforts I'm putting in atm dont matter to him and that hes hanging on a single thread hes no longer willing to take anything but Absolute compliance(yes he used the actual words absolute compliance) if he doesnt see me losing sleep to figure out and fix my shit he wont be convinced I'm trying. he ended that segment with him saying hes not using these words to control or manipulate me. he says this is a requirement a yes or no and he wont make his decision on whether he wants to break up with me until I say yes or no to his absolute compliance. he said his decision is solely based on my answer and If i say yes i dont get to back off or get out of it.

I also wrote down a quote he said that was just so arrogant i couldnt leave it out.

"You sit before an artisan of problem solving." -my fiance

soo haha yeahh the last argument happened right before going to bed and I started typing this as soon as I got up and finished my hygiene stuff.

I'm pretty sure if he had never told me he'd wanted to hit me this wouldn't be such a difficult thing to answer... I love him and I have no idea if I should pick him and risk any form of my safety or just let him leave me.. he has no job, no money, and no family to go to.. I know he doesnt care about being homeless but I do care..I fucking love him and I dont want that for him not even for a day... as shitty as he and I can both be I still dont believe that's what he deserves... if he ever finds this hell be even more pissed that I'm even concerned about what he'll do if he leaves.. he always told me to not care and that if I ever do want to leave him to not worry about that and just get it over with sooner.. thing is I dont want to leave I just want my baby back... the one that didnt yell or didnt want to hit me at all... I want our old relationship back.. I guess I want to know if that's even possible at this point. any words from anyone would be really nice right now.. if only to just feel like someone's talking to me.. my fiance is literally the only person I talk to and the closest thing to a friend I have. and i dont tell my parents any of what's happening because they're stressed enough so I've been basically alone for 4 years with no one but my fiance to talk to..

granted it's my fault I havent made other friends but I've been so stressed recently that I havent done much about it for many reasons..

update: he just finished telling me that hes only had half a burger in the last 3 days, (due to stress) he just wanted to let me know that apparently.

An uprising that created a dystopian Seoul gave birth to a monstrous judge and a live court trial setting.

The Devil Judge episode 1; A Monster Emerges

Episode 1 of The Devil Judge begins in a dystopian Seoul with chaos everywhere in the streets. There’s a unknown plague covering the entire country that made companies fallen and people homeless. The chaos which made the poor lead an arson and acts of terrorism. This created the Gwanghwamun riot and the Social Responsibility Foundation has send out a press conference.

The virus that created the monster

President Heo says a powerful speech. The economic troubles are part of the past. The plague will be forgotten as it’s been resolved by the government. While President Heo speaks this event, the important guests are being introduced: Seo Jeong Hak who is the Chairman of Social Responsibility Foundation, Cha Kyung Hee (Minister Of Justice), Min Yong Shik (Minbo Group Chairman) and Park Duman (Saram Media Chairman). The president also promises to create more jobs and to bring back Korea to the grand country as it was before. We also see on the screen how donations kept on rolling and another character was introduced. Jung Sun Ah (Executive Director of CSR Foundation) commented how the President overreacts whenever a camera is on his face. They know that he’s a clown and the attitude never goes away.

The president adds, they must rectify their law and order. He has passed a bill for a powerful judicial reform which allows the public to participate as jurors. Im not sure if that is such a good idea. Here comes Kang Yohan who is being introduced by the President as a ruthless judge. Judge Kang will preside over the trials and hands out sentences in a live television setting. Here comes the judge who exudes with much charisma and suave. Alot of concerned questions were raised like how the live broadcast is a anti-humanitarian act and it’s only for show. Another comment was mentioned that Judge Kang punishes too severely and are inconsiderate of the weak. Judge Kang interrupts and asks “Who’s weak?”.  The journalist made a sample of the disadvantage but he retaliates that they are still the defendants. He mentions that he doesnt care if there’s a powerful person or not. Another journalist asked if he can hand down a hefty sentence on a defendant for the live show. A sample was made with Chairman Joo Il Do, who is known for being well connected. He then makes a statement saying “I am power!” and how he exercises the judicial power that was delegate to him and who is above him (the public). He then ends his speech which made many people impressed especially the President and the Minister of Justice. After the speech, Sun Ah congratulates him for the sexy power he has and the rest of the influential people stares at him.

Kim Gaon

We see another character who Kim Gaon using a public transportation watching the speech of Kang Yohan about to go to The Supreme Court. He then enters the office of Chief Justice Min Jungho who is apparently his former Professor. Gaon and Jungho discusses the live program which made Gaon question Yohan and his intentions. Jungho describes Yohan as no ordinary judge. He is a revolutionist who will eradicate court corruption. He is the nation’s only hope.This made Gaon realize that Yohan is extremely popular. As the riots dies down Jungho compares Yohan as a monster that emerges from turbulent times due to the absurb bills he keeps on passing. Yohan doesnt thinks more of a politician, politician for the people. Gaon realizes how Chief Jungho has a dislike with Yohan and asks why he wants him to be part of the live show. Jungho wants Gaon to observe Yohan and compares himself to Judas.

Gaon and Yohan finally meets at Yohan’s office. When Gaon left, Yohan opened his personal information file with a picture of his parents an a article title “We Just Wanted To Do A Good Deed”, “Conned Restaurant Owner Couple Kills Themselves”. He makes a comment on how he looks just like the father. I wonder if Yohan has met the parents before and if he has anything to do with them being dead.

Gaon enters to his office and we’re introduced with Oh Jinjoo (Associate Judge). They both introduced themselves and Jinjoo made a comment about Gaon’s smile. She mentions how he looks good when he smiles and realizes that there’s a criteria on picking judges base on their visuals. Being charming enough creates power.

Bus incident 

As Gaon leaves, we see a group of young students crossing with their teacher. There’s also a incoming bus that is speeding and out of control and is about to enter the Supreme Court entrance. This prompts Gaon to be alert as he sees a young girl about to get hit and covers to protect her. While he does, Yohan was seen shooting the bus driver which made the bus topple. The bus is about to explode with the driver still in it. Gaon continues to be a good citizen and saves the driver on time. There’s a news coverage with the important members of the live show watching. The coverage mentions a arrest warrant for the chairman of JU Chemical Joo Il Do (who was at the presscon) was suspended and the kindergarten driver is connected as a act of protest. The Ministry of Justice says to the President that its a challenge to the authority but SongA responses and says its a outcry. CEO Joo created an incident leak of toxic waste water. Another comment was raised that the many of the public are still out of work and the government can’t collect taxes. If they dont solve this, another revolt would break out. They move on to the live show and asked the Saram Media Chairman how the process is doing. The president mentions that Yohan wanted to do this case personally and makes sure that it goes well.

Gaon sees Yohan leaving and thanks him for saving his life but comments on how Yohan didnt hesitate to shoot. He asked Yohan if he was going to kill the bus driver and Yohan answers back to Gaon with a response like “If i had to?!”. Gaon unsure with his intentions, Yohan counteracts and says if he didnt do anything the bus wouldve continued to spiraled straight. Gaon says that Yohan doesnt care if the bus driver dies or not and makes a calculation stating saving 2 is better than 1.

1st case preparation

There’s a meeting discussing what case they’ll do for the first live show. Yohan wants to take on the JU Chemical case as his first states that it’s a appropriate case and is confident that he’ll go by the law. Yohan makes it clear that its not the people’s court and just wants to make the trials transparent.

Chairman Joo and his lawyer discusses before the first trial. They talk about how hard it is to get clear evidence related to environmental issues. Since itll be difficult to find evidence they’ll plead not guilty. If things turned not well, the judge will charge them with professional negligence resulting death which will lead to 5 years imprisonment. Chairman Joo asks if he can trust the lawyer and says that he will.

Gaon and Jungho talks privately. Jungho asks why Yohan wants the toxic waste case to be his first. Gaon answers the obvious. Jungho also added that Chairman Joo is the biggest donator of the Social Responsibility Foundation. The reason why Yohan is there is because of the Foundation and the Ministry of Justice being his back support. Jungho thinks he has a ulterior motive, despite being in a awkward situation and yet still took the case. Ji Yoonsik and Yohan discusses the bus incident. Ji tells Yohan that he doesnt want to create a scandal and thinks the incident is carelessness but Yohan mentions that its noise marketing (since the incident is related to Chairman Joo). I assume that Yohan only cares for his status and following the law without caring how it affects others.

Gaon makes a comment that the 3 year old is a daughter of the bus driver is part of one of the many deceased related to the JU Chemical Case. The grandmother committed suicide over the case. Gaon internally looks frustrated after Yohan looks like he doesnt care. He says that Yohan rejected Chairman Joo’s warrant and yet want to incarcerate the bus driver.  Yohan mentions that the bus driver was caught on the scene but Gaon talks back and says that they must take the motive into consideration. Yohan says that despite being a victim, does this give them a right to hurt others? Well you have to agree with Yohan on that one though. Gaon then mentions that the bus driver is injured and Yohan says that they have a medical detention center so the issue is solved which lead Gaon to become quiet. Do you think Gaon is putting his emotions over the law?

A news report about the incident broke out that the child named Yu died from the toxic waste water leakage incident of JU Chemical. The grandmother of the child committed suicide. The result of the incident led 11 dead, the rest of the alive victims are receiving treatment.

Gaon and Jungho ate out. Gaon made a private investigation on Cha Kyunghee. During the time Chairman Joo caused trouble as a startup business, Ms. Cha was the person who helped him as a elite Seoul prosecutor. To return the favor when Cha became a assembly woman Chairman Joo is the head of her campaign club. Jungho made a assumption that theyre both helping each other and since Yohan was forced to be part of it, he still wanted to put Joo on a trial. Cha is watching on the sidelines with no objection. What do you think are the intentions of Cha and Joo? It’s not for the good right? Its all speculations for now. They compared the scenario as someone’s first love. Gaon continues to spy on Yohan to find more evidence and puts in spy devices around his office. Yohan almost caught him as he entered the office. Gaon continues to spy and spots Chairman Joo’s lawyer about to enter a restaurant meeting Kang Yohan. Gaon and Jungho meets up after discussing the scenes which makes them even more suspicious over Yohan. They just need to watch him closely at court.

Gaon’s childhood

As Gaon comes home, we are introduced to Soohyun who is a RIT Lietenant who is a childhood friend of his. Soohyun compares the 2 of them and says how the public loves judges with different backgrounds. We learned that Gaon doesnt want to move out as the place reminds him of his parents. Gaon and Soohyun continues to joke around, Soohyun mentions that she has a crush on him but he had rejected her. Gaon didnt want to lose his only best friend.

While Soohyun was doing her rounds, Soohyun hears a woman screaming for help. A highschool student was being attacked on the streets and saves her. This makes Soohyun becoming a likeable character. Ironically a poster above with the caption “A safe Korea will be realized from now on.”. Not so safe yet isnt it?

Ms Jung and Ministry Of Justice meeting

Ms Jung starts the discussion stating that the sponsors are becoming worried with the upcoming trial. The reason why theyre holding the mock trial is to ease the citizen’s anger over criminals. Suspicious to why they put a businessman on trial and if he receives a serious punishment, itll become a negative precedent for the business people. Cha says a rhetorical question if Yohan has ever made a mistake, but he hasnt. Song still adamant and wants the case to be a lighter trial. Asks why Cha is adamant about this being the first case and also mentions that Ms Song has overstepped by being arrogant. Before Jung leaves she commented on how everything from the office to her expensive car was paid by her foundation. Damn, straight fire. I like her. She also adds statistics information that the Ministry of Justice lacks budget and added that her foundation should create more prisons themselves. OMG

The First Live Trial

Before the trial begins, Yohan begins to be reminded of his past with a shadow that looked like Gaon surrounded with fire.

How to watch the trial?

Install the DIKE app, tap the statue and you’re in! While watching the trial 2 buttons will appear: Red button - To be punished and otherwise they can tap the other button. Votes will be collected and visualized in court. The judge will be able to see the people’s opinions and decide easily.

The court case is about a chemical company who caused sewage leak and didnt do any treatment. The water was used by the residents for their daily lives.

Yohan comes a conclusion and decides that there was intent murder. Five years is the maximum. As mentioned during the beginning of the episode, Yohan became a monstrous judge by passing insane bills. One of the bills is about the number of years accumulated for the sentences, based on the victims. To make it more dramatic since its a live tv show, he lowered down the blinds and lights mentioning all the names of the victims. He also mentions that there were 11 dead and 36 disabilities. The case resulted from 5 to 235 years of imprisonment, which equates to a life sentence. Ministry Of Justice watching from behind the tv looked in shock. While Yohan mentions the names the President continues to watches and compliments how Yohan is a true master.

The trial resulted to professional negligence and 235 years of imprisonment. The ratings also were soaring high and the Ministry of Justice is pissed while the President smirks. Yohan speaks to Chairman Joo and wishes him a long life..

HAH.

The live trial ends and a victim’s relative thanks Judge Yohan. While the victim’s relative was crying and hugging Yohan, Yohan was seen yawning as if he was bored. Gaon saw it and continued to stare at him. Yohan stared back acting like a devil. We see a flashback of Yohan handing out a USB and mentions that there will be a flash of the victim’s pictures will be put out during the show. Yohan then smirks at Gaon. The scene fades with Yohan standing facing off with Gaon. A flashback of his tragic past shows him and a look-a-like Gaon (Yohan’s brother or a former colleague maybe) facing each other surrounded by which looks like a burnt old church. They both continued to stare at each other as the scene concludes. It looks like there’s a past which needs to be disclosed.

--

Comments:

+ Good acting (Ji Sung, Kim Minjung, Jang Youngnam)

+ Live trial setting

+ Buildups of the faceoffs: Yohan vs Gaon / Ms Jung vs Ms Cha

+ Buildups of the 1st case

+ Good suspenseful bgm

+Script looks full and engaging

- Dystopian setting looks poor production wise but is made up by the + cinematography

+/- Needs a 2nd rewatch for the pilot incase you miss something out

7/10 so far for the pilot. I look forward for the rivalries and the upcoming cases.

playing rusty lake Roots... theres so much going on 

i wrote this post at like 2 AM last night so its kind of incoherent lmao

ok so now im following the family history of... maybe the founders of the rusty lake hotel? someone who is Involved Somehow. some weird shit is going on and im really into it but not quite following yet 

oH god theres a dead guy in the clock. ok 

i spent like 10 minutes solving puzzles in this room with that dude in there the whole time and i had no idea OK SURE 

then i had to burrow into his chest to steal his heart, as you do. sorry sir apparently i need it for some reason but it doesnt look like you’re using it anymore anyway 

very romantic

the absolutely batshit solutions to some of these are so good like. “she likes him! he likes her! help them communicate” “ok i will... give her a rose” “she likes the rose! oh she pricked herself and is bleeding everywhere now” “i... use her blood. for ink. with the feather i got from a raven earlier. so he can write her a love note. with her blood” “great job! they’re engaged now” “i see” 

and you’ll NEVER GUESS where i found a ring for her 

god damn it its you again

why is this disembodied hand following me everywhere i go... i didnt kill it this time it was already dead but like, Why 

oh fuck its the dudes!!!! from the hotel!!!! its the guys!!!! 

i can also see them in the hotel across the lake despite everyone else being humans this time and it feels like this should be Before the events of the, uh. dinner party. but it might be shadows of the future to come or something, there’s a lot of ominous Fate and something to do with memories happening here 

oh. that’s why i needed the heart. i see 

im collecting sacrifices for some kind of revival i think, im betting this is gonna end up being how mr. owl happened somehow 

oH god that’s. ok. fuckign christ 

thats not. how any of this works but sure ok that happened 

really not a fan of the fact that the solution to “how do i get the key from the dog” ended up being “feed it the woman’s fucking placenta after she gives birth” lmao ok

i do like when the solutions are like. unexpectedly horrifying, though. that moment of “wait. no. no. oh god. thats it isnt it” 

also the woman would only give me one bottle of milk (there’s three babies) so i had to fill another one with wine and another with water. i feel like this is a bad method of caring for your triplets but what do i kno 

i know this all isnt really meant to be taken literally tho i think... everything happening here is highly symbolic but im not sure exactly how

the milk goes to samuel, who seems the most normal/put together child, maybe the one who was treated the best/the most privileged one/the one closest to the mother 

the wine goes to albert who ends up being the most fucked up one so maybe thats a sign he was abused/maybe one or both parents had an alcohol problem they took out on him the most 

im not sure what the water would mean though, that one goes to emma and shes a botanist so, water for the flowers, i guess, she later commits suicide but i dont know why yet (or maybe it might not be explained at all) maybe it’s a. wasting away/neglected thing? 

hm.

im missing a shot i thought i had here but you’re in an alchemy lab trying to make this elixir and the alchemist won’t take it, and the only other thing in the room is.... the dog 

so i was just like :( im gonna kill the dog arent i 

but then 

the dog drank the elixir and was fine so the alchemist tried it and immediately died, so apparently it’s a 50/50 chance of either reaction and not “it works or it doesn’t” all around and now we have an immortal dog :’  ) 

either that or it just doesn’t affect dogs. time will tell i suppose

anyway this is how albert turned out and i would do anything for him LOOK at this baby boy 

he wanted a butterfly so i solved a bunch of very strange puzzles to obtain one for him 

fuCKing hell 

albert you’re not gonna believe this look what i found

FUCK yeah you look great 

i brought him the butterfly and he immediately stabbed it to death but really im more concerned with the fact that it’s BLEEDING RED 

look at him go

i carved a pumpkin mask for him and he loves it 

i hope albert knows i would die for him 

ok anyway uhh its 2 AM as of when im writing this so i should stop but im trying to work out thoughts on what the fuck is going on here so far 

ok so

james married mary and they had three kids

james might have murdered his uncle or something im still not sure why there was a dead guy in the clock at the beginning 

somethin sure happened there

james became fascinated with alchemy and eventually died trying to create an elixir of life. something or someone is trying to do some kind of weird revival ritual with body parts. i highly suspect that might be where mr. owl comes from

its not totally clear what’s going on with albert, he had a mark on his head when he was a baby but im not sure if his face is like that just bc birth mark or if the wasp incident made it worse or something, i feel like it wasnt as visible in the childhood scene but i dont remember now 

he wanted the butterfly when he was a kid too but it wasnt clear if he liked it or wanted to kill it then too. not sure if the wasp incident Changed Him/was the start of lifelong rivalry with samuel, or if albert’s just mentally ill and that was just One More Incident with his siblings bullying him, or maybe a combination of both

emma grows up to be a botanist but commits suicide for reasons unknown

there was a really weird disjointed flashback on emma’s side of the tree where albert kind of inadvertently dumped a kid into a well (he was... spinning the crank thing mayb stimming or something, the player makes the swing go too far to make the kid land there in the first place so idk if thats just The Hand Of Fate or what, but albert didnt technically do it he just was the reason he lost grip on the. thing where the rope goes/he didnt help the kid) (but again he’s. not mentally well, i think it was ‘he didnt understand what was going on’ more than ‘he committed a possible murder’) so idk if maybe that was emma’s kid?? she also may have been impregnated by plants. dont know what the fuck that was about either 

samuel marries a fortune teller named ida (and has more kids i think. i wasnt paying close enough attention to the photo on the wall) who albert also loves but she seems to think of him as the devil and has visions about him i think

it looks like albert loses it and puts some kind of curse on samuel possibly black magic/voodoo/something which MAY have turned him into mr. crow, which, fucked up if true 

but im hesitant to accept “albert’s just Fucked Up And Evil” bc... the wine bottle seems to imply he was not treated well as a baby/possibly abused, samuel knocked a wasp nest onto his head which isn’t massively outside the realm of like. sibling rivalry stuff (my brother once smacked me in the head with a snowglobe so hard i had to be rushed to the doctor when he was rly little/i was younger and we’re Completely Fine now lmao) but maybe fucked him up worse than they realized 

and the whole thing with ida, too. theres no detail given but it definitely seems like samuel is the favorite child and albert is the “we don’t talk about that one” child so its like. years of abuse/unequal treatment/etc and we dont necessarily know how samuel’s treated him all these years or if there could’ve been more/worse things going on 

i dont know!! i like him and i want him to get help and not just be condemned as the family demon just bc he spooky 

Rant I think

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I have to keep remind myself that even though the person I love the most in the world is suffering and is not likely to stop suffering for the rest of his life, it is not entirely my fault and me blaming and punishing myself or thinking about just destroying myself won’t bring them further happiness and I must not take my own happiness away by my own hands... or should I?

I always feel guilty enjoying my life when my dad’s so stressed, but I can’t ever change him to open up no matter what I do; and he always works hard & says I should just enjoy myself and live my life & provides me with all good for that, but then whenever I see him being so upset— for years— and whenever I just... I don’t know. I literally went suicidal because of guilt of existing and being a burden back then, even though he explictly states that it’s his own choice to have kids, that he loves me, that he’s proud of me, that I mean the world to him, etc, and he proved his words thousands of times, but-

But he doesn’t seem to understand I care about him as much as he cares about me.

And I feel so guilty living my life and being happy when he is not.

But I can’t make him happy ornsolve his problems— those are real adult stuff that’s beyond my power.

But when I live my life and enjoy it I feel like I’m being ignorant and I feel so guilty.

When I punish myself for that— emotionally and literally, I end up depressed and not good. And that’s dangerous. Depression is so dangerous especially in such a young age that I am in, so god forbid that-

I don’t know what to do, honestly. I feel so guilty enjoying myself and I feel downright shitty if I don’t enjoy myself. Nothing solves the problem.

The regret and fear is always eating me alive.

Even though there is nothing I can do.

It hs been like this from as long as I can remember my life.

I just want him to be happy, well-rested, and at peace. He wants same for me.

We never get both in once. Bwcause he’s always the one who gives. Always so self sacrificing. I used to think my dad is absolutely perfect but I think that’s very damgerous to give too muxh of yourself even if it’s... family. I’m... grateful of course... how can I not... but then I feel like a parazyte or something....... and I wouldn’t exchange his well being for anything else......... and yet.... I.... uh... my head’s gonna burst. I am just typing because I pushed this thought away so many times in these last days and if I pushed it away again it’d lead a really bad breakdown. I need to avoid that so I need to speak. Not to anyone particularly. Maybe I should seek a therapist. But still. Only place I can apply due outside conditions would he that in myncollege and I don’t think there’s place there. But still. I can’t afford another depression in the years that should be the most fun so I’ll have to keep my mental heath in check no matter what. So I guess it’s better to just write it out— maybe not scientifically most suggested or verified theory but I can’t expect things to be perfect to start working on them.

So yeah.

Basically.

I am so full of love and life and joy nowadays.

But I also feel so undeserving for all or them.

Sometimes I feel smart and beautiful and productive and loved. Mostly.

Then I feel guilty for itntoo, even though I worked so hard for all of them— I worked so hard to understand all scientific shit, not only textbook wise but actual effort to adapt to scientific thinking. I worked hard in gym to get the body I want and I paid attention to my appearance and manners and culture, yet I still feel undeservjngn of beauty aometimes. I overcame social anxiety years ago and every friendship & communication I make successfully are big amazing achievements that may come naturally to extroverts but to me they took hard work. Sometimes, mostly, I’m like, “Wow Nila, well done! Amazing!” Then other times I’m like “Do you even?? Deserve your food?? Or your life??????? Do you even?? Deserve a warm bed when there are homeless people?? Do you even??? Deserve all these friends????? When you’re just?? You??? Do you even deserve enjoying your life when your parents are being quite exhausted and upset to provide for your spoiled rich kid life????” and...... like... this got me in serious depression before which onlynupsetted them further and they couldnt understand what was wrong woth me because they “gave me all”, emotionally and financially. They just couldnt ser that I felt like a parayste that’s sucking life out of them, as if Imm killing them by my own hands, andnidk.

Maybe I’m being too dramatic. Maybe that’s not the case. My parents strictly say they’re proud, that zi’m loved, that itms theirnown decision and not mine, etc., etc. I have no dark past, a clean family with no sad stuff or abuse or anything, and honestly, I don’y know.

I just want to see them happy and at peace too. Thst’s only way I can feel content. But I can’t change them. I can’t control a big majority of the spendings I have. I don’t know shat to fo. Thjs has been a problem for so many years. Itms not sth that appeared yesterday. Sometimes I can ignore. But then the feeling comes back like a ghost. That I’m undeserving. That I must be ashamed for enjoying myself.

I want to tell that it’s a lie, that it’s just a depressed thought and as a scientist I can’t trust a brain in clinical depression cause that’s chemical imbalance. That’s literally what keeps me sane, knowing that depression is a medical condition and any depression triggering thoughts are NOT REAL snd they’re just some medical imbalance of hormones and transmitters so I am just fine.

I’m not depressed, not really, I still feel excited and hupe and happy today. But this thought lingers. I couldn’tbhave afforded to push this thought away for the fifth time in last two days otherwise it’d break me. So I’f rather write it.

I keep telling myself that I am truly deserving to live and enjoy live.

I seriously had to rmeind myself two days ago like “just because you got a bad grade does not validate you starving yourself, you are deserving to eat rven when you are not doing well” tben I did buy myself my healthy food and ate it but...

Can I even... prove that I’m worth it??

Scientificaly??

I know for a fact rhat me trying is a good reason. Me working hard is a good reason. But not an enough reason. I need to be productive. I need to make myself happy. I need to make people I love happy. I neef to bring smiles to faces people I love— I need to get accepted to that project so I can perform researches when I’m off school so I can design drugs and save people so that my life and existence can be allowed and appreciated. I need to write fanfics and news and produce creative content to let my heart out and share joy with friends so we feel happy and alive and connected so it has a meaning. I need to save street animals so I actually have a meaning living my life.

Am I really deserving????

I am, I say myself, but then a voice whispers, but... are you sure?

I again say yes, I’m sure.

So far, I’m surs.

A little hesitant, but tjat must be some invalid creeping thoughtrather than a feality. Sveryone is deservijg of a happy joyful life so why not me??? I’d never say someone is undeserving of happiness unless that someone had an inexcusable crime like murder or something; and since that doesnt really happen in real life i’d sAy yes we all are deserving but...

I dkn’t know.

Maybe I should talk to someoen instead of mindlessly typing.

A therapist sounds nice but not too affordable. I’ll still try on Monday— wait no I hVe a midterm. Tuesday. I’ll try. If it’s not abailable maybe I can try some online therapy which is more convenient. I don’t know. Imm still feeling alive an happy and not detachef which is good but I don’t want this feeling to lead anywhere bigger, if it makes sensez

I just keep reminding myself that I am worth safety and love and joy as much as everyone else is

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

I went over the “How to Recognize the Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse” article and heres whats familiar : 46 out of 64 Signs LOL

-Name-calling. They’ll blatantly call you “stupid,” “a loser,” or words too awful to repeat here. There were too many times my mom would come to my room yelling and threatning to beat, or actually beat me up and call me a whore and a piece of shit. Still does, just doesnt call me a whore now, just calls me stupid and a a piece of shit occasionally. -Character assassination. This usually involves the word “always.” You’re always late, wrong, screwing up, disagreeable, and so on. Basically, they say you’re not a good person. Everyday AALL DAY. Things i used or barely did as a child , and keeps trowing at as an adult. -Yelling. Yelling, screaming, and swearing are meant to intimidate and make you feel small and inconsequential. It might be accompanied by fist-pounding or throwing things. No need to even explain this. -Patronizing. “Aw, sweetie, I know you try, but this is just beyond your understanding.” “Ah nooo, youll never be responsible to have your own life” -Public embarrassment. They pick fights, expose your secrets, or make fun of your shortcomings in public. Yup...

-Dismissiveness. You tell them about something that’s important to you and they say it’s nothing. Body language like eye-rolling, smirking, headshaking, and sighing help convey the same message. Trying to explain to her i dont like something or i dont wanna do something and why, trying to explain certain things she does harms me. And i just get mocked and threatned instead. - Insults of your appearance. They tell you, just before you go out, that your hair is ugly or your outfit is clownish. Every single day. Also to a point that she did this many times in front of strangers, or in front of my friends.

-Belittling your accomplishments. Your abuser might tell you that your achievements mean nothing, or they may even claim responsibility for your success. Yup -Put-downs of your interests. They might tell you that your hobby is a childish waste of time or you’re out of your league when you play sports. Really, it’s that they’d rather you not participate in activities without them. I stopped practising my drawing skills because she would always say i had no future in drawing characters and shitty stuff. Even tho i was starting and practising. That i had no future in it. -Pushing your buttons. Once your abuser knows about something that annoys you, they’ll bring it up or do it every chance they get. Daily picking fights with me, the yells at me for fighting with her and misstreats me. -Threats. Telling you they’ll take the kids and disappear, or saying “There’s no telling what I might do.” Threatning to kick me off the house whenever i refuse to do something she tells me to. For example, a few years ago, i was barely holding on with a minimal wage , she would take a cut out of it, so there was this month i did a whole month without days off to try and gather money to go to barcelona. She knew i had money saved up and threatened to kick me off the house if i didnt give her extra 100 euros for house rent. Usually stuff like this always. -Monitoring your whereabouts. They want to know where you are all the time and insist that you respond to calls or texts immediately. They might show up just to see if you’re where you’re supposed to be. If i go out with my friends or stay in my friends houses, if i go to a concert or anything, she will non stop be calling me and texting until i reply. Even if i already told her who i would be with and where ( i have to tell her always ) And always have to tell what i am doing. If i dont she will be mad for weeks and take it out on me. -Digital spying. They might check your internet history, emails, texts, and call log. They might even demand your passwords. Like the previous one, she asks my aunt to sent her my ig stuff and fb stuff i post, so i had to remove my entire family from my social network. Because she would always come up to me daily “ ah u posted this why? “ wether it would be a selfie or a poem. And is always messaging me on whatsapp and humiliating me and crontrolling wich picture i post on whatsapp. I generaly like to post my user photo of whatsapp as something funny, wether its my face with a filter, or a funny meme. Two months ago i posted a guy with his ass pinned up, wich was hilarious. She kept yelling at me everymorning, and even threatned to hit me , to take the picture down , because it looked bad. The picture was something like this ( not this, but the pose kinda )

- Unilateral decision-making. They might close a joint bank account, cancel your doctor’s appointment, or speak with your boss without asking. ALWAYS does these kinds of things without my consent. I work 12h a day everyday, im always tired, and i barely have money , and she “trying to take care of me “ will settle apointments for really expensive doctors witouth asking me if i even want, and will get mad at me when i tell her to cancel , saying im a big girl that i have to do it, SO i have to take out sometype of time during my busy work day to make a call to cancel something she settled without even asking me , and will be mad for weeks and take it out on me calling me names and shit. And if i dont accept her “ lending me the money for the apointment “ she will get mad and call me ungratfull and stupid. -Financial control. They might keep bank accounts in their name only and make you ask for money. You might be expected to account for every penny you spend. Well yeah.. dont even need to say anything here. - Lecturing. Belaboring your errors with long monologues makes it clear they think you’re beneath them.  Or here... -Direct orders. From “Get my dinner on the table now” to “Stop taking the pill,” orders are expected to be followed despite your plans to the contrary. This daily basis. -Outbursts. You were told to cancel that outing with your friend or put the car in the garage, but didn’t, so now you have to put up with a red-faced tirade about how uncooperative you are. Always calling me lazy and shit for not doing HER OWN STUFF. -Treating you like a child. They tell you what to wear, what and how much to eat, or which friends you can see.  I am 30 years old. -Feigned helplessness. They may say they don’t know how to do something. Sometimes it’s easier to do it yourself than to explain it. They know this and take advantage of it. Whatever happends she always plays the pity party card “ ahh im old” , “ ahhh i had an aneurism ( even tho she has been fine for two/three years now LOL )”, “ ahh my blood pressure “ She used that as an excuse to always ditch arguments or important discussions when she is loosing, and if i dont shut up she will threaten to kick me off the house or beat me. For example the other day she was shamming me out of nowhere from trying to commit suicide, and i told her she was one of the main reasons. She immediatly started to call me names, tried to hit me, and trow me out of the car. -Unpredictability. They’ll explode with rage out of nowhere, suddenly shower you with affection, or become dark and moody at the drop of a hat to keep you walking on eggshells. She flips randomly during the day, im afraid to leave my room. Or that she will enter my room. -They walk out. In a social situation, stomping out of the room leaves you holding the bag. At home, it’s a tool to keep the problem unresolved. She humiliates me in public then randomly walks out. -Using others. Abusers may tell you that “everybody” thinks you’re crazy or “they all say” you’re wrong. She likes to tell her friends and our family how “ irresponsable”, “immature” and no good for nothing i am, and how i am LEECHING her off... LOL -Jealousy. They accuse you of flirting or cheating on them. Usualy when i game or sometimes, ppl call me and talk to me, and she will eavesdropp my conversation and enter my room to hear better, or later wait until i leave the room , to complain about how i treat my friends so well , and speak so well to them , and how it is possible that i talk to her bad all the time and treat her like shit (? LOL ) Well for starters my friends dont misstreat me or call me names, or try to humiliate me or control me LOL or even pick fights with me. She will get mad at me for not wanting to spend time with her, and spending time with my friends. That im ungratefull and a bad daughter. LOL -Turning the tables. They say you cause their rage and control issues by being such a pain. This, that its my fault. That its my fault everything. - Denying something you know is true. An abuser will deny that an argument or even an agreement took place. This is called gaslighting. It’s meant to make you question your own memory and sanity. For example the other day , olso on the car, with the suicide attempt talk, i was trying to explain why and i told her my most painfull memory of her, was her beating me up for not knowing how to solve a math problem in 3rd grade. That she punched me several times because she tought i had awnsered 7 instead of 1. And she started yelling at me saying i made that up and shit. Like bitch i was afraid of doing my homework home because you would beat the crap out of me, instead of teatching me LOL. She once again used the “ blood pressure “ excuse and tried to hit me and kick me off the car in mid highway. -Using guilt. They might say something like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve done for you,” in an attempt to get their way. Ahh this is a classic. She says i owe her everything she asks for because SHE BIRTHED ME AND RAISED ME. And she used this argument to manipulate me in everything. -Goading then blaming. Abusers know just how to upset you. But once the trouble starts, it’s your fault for creating it. Yup -Denying their abuse. When you complain about their attacks, abusers will deny it, seemingly bewildered at the very thought of it. According to her, she just does everything she does because she cares LOL. -Accusing you of abuse. They say you’re the one who has anger and control issues and they’re the helpless victim. LOLOLOL cannot say this enought, SHE ACCUSES ME of being the abusive one , simply because i talk back, because i dont wanna be around her and because i fight with her LOL. Even tho she starts the fights and im just defending myself from her. -Trivializing. When you want to talk about your hurt feelings, they accuse you of overreacting and making mountains out of molehills. Yup -Saying you have no sense of humor. Abusers make personal jokes about you. If you object, they’ll tell you to lighten up. Yup -Blaming you for their problems. Whatever’s wrong in their life is all your fault. You’re not supportive enough, didn’t do enough, or stuck your nose where it didn’t belong.  ALSO YUP -Destroying and denying. They might crack your cell phone screen or “lose” your car keys, then deny it. Tried to break my things numerous of times, or trash them or give them away. Wich she did. -Demanding respect. No perceived slight will go unpunished, and you’re expected to defer to them. But it’s a one-way street. Yup... She will  happly tell me how to dress saying what im wearing is ugly, i will politely tell her to stop, she will continue to give her “opinion” i will get tired and yell to stop , she will immediatly demand respect and tell me i have no right to talk back at her and that im disrespectfull and stupid. -Shutting down communication. They’ll ignore your attempts at conversation in person, by text, or by phone. Yup -Dehumanizing you. They’ll look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when they speak to you. Yup -Keeping you from socializing. Whenever you have plans to go out, they come up with a distraction or beg you not to go. Also Yup She wouldnt let me go out if i didnt do my bed, and would make up shit just so i wouldnt go out, until i got tired and gave up. -Trying to come between you and your family. They’ll tell family members that you don’t want to see them or make excuses why you can’t attend family functions. Well she constantly came in between my first real good therapist. I was finally seeing  a good therapist a few years ago. I was finally relieved and tought i could trust him, all of a suddent she demanded to be in the therapy sessions. So in the sessions instead of talking about what upset me and her constant mental abuse, the therapist gave in to her demands, and started adressing HER issues with me. I remenber the LAST time i decided to attend the doctor. He would first attend my mom , then me. So i came up, and he started his usual talks, and i wanted to talk to him that day about the nightmares i was having and if he could help me. And all of a suddent he cut the conversation off by saying “ ah wait so your mother tells be you have been staying a lot of time on your computer “ “ that you dont socialize with your friends and that you dont go out “ I mean i wonder why i get stuck in my pc and dont go out with my friends LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL She would always cut me off from meeting my friends, she would always control me, so i had less interest or courage to make friends year by year. And gaming was the only thing that brought me joy in my shitty depressed life coz i couldnt develop any interests. -Withholding affection. They won’t touch you, not even to hold your hand or pat you on the shoulder. They may refuse sexual relations to punish you or to get you to do something. She wil straight up give me the cold shoulder, ignore me if she is mad because i didnt do something how she wanted. When i had hand surgery, she refused to go with me, or get me. By me it was ok , she didnt need to go or anything. So after surgery i told the doctors i would take myself home, and why. And they didnt allowe me and still called my mom even thought i told them she wouldnt. She treated me so badly after picking me up from the hospital because they called her. -Tuning you out. They’ll wave you off, change the subject, or just plain ignore you when you want to talk about your relationship. Yup -Actively working to turn others against you. They’ll tell co-workers, friends, and even your family that you’re unstable and prone to hysterics. YUP -Calling you needy. When you’re really down and out and reach out for support, they’ll tell you you’re too needy or the world can’t stop turning for your little problems.  YUP -Interrupting. You’re on the phone or texting and they get in your face to let you know your attention should be on them. Yup -Indifference. They see you hurt or crying and do nothing. Yup - Disputing your feelings. Whatever you feel, they’ll say you’re wrong to feel that way or that’s not really what you feel at all. Yup

I found the word to describe the type of person I hate:

One where it feels like I'm talking to myself.

If I get dolled up, put my best foot forward, and am sparkling and feeling dazzling as fuck....

Why be around a man who wont talk about anything but himself?

Especially if its not some sort of CEO or fancy rich person that I'm aiming to passively impress/let talk, and its just someone my own damn age.

I felt so glad when I stopped hanging around people like that.

Nothing increases suicidal urges more than "I came all the way out here and they arent asking shit about me or putting in an effort, do i even matter to this person?"

Glad I set YP straight.

He didnt understand it, but he doesnt understand a lot of things.

Like how yes, your ex girlfriend is going to move on, if you ignore her messages, and also plow other women with no discussion of where things will go from there.

And yes, she will 100% cut you off and call you out on your shit if it means she can feel fully connected to the next person she's with.

.....

I was shocked at how well I moved on. It got easier since me and BP improved conservationally, honestly, sexually, and started doing more things together.

Put all my focus on the new, and it worked out well.

And now its just doing that again.

Since most of my relationships always reveal what I actually needed next, when i stumble upon someone new.

"Oh no, how will I ever get over Matty?", I said, before stumbling across Green Eyed Zack #2 and realizing that the entire dynamic with Matty was him love bombing me, and him being obsessive within having less than two dates....

"How will I ever get over Zack? He was so gorgeous"..... (I think the resolution isnt clear, since it got solved either with Bitch Ass Scotty, lots of sex with terrible men, or what.)

But I moved on eventually and realized, "He was a terrible communicator with no intention to respect me, or take our relationship seriously, in any way."

"How will I get over Fine Ass Adrian?", I said, before realizing he was just a horndog and was also an avoidant attachment type.

"How will I get over Ethan?" By realizing he was ugly, a little misogynistic, and overall up until meeting me, had very good reasons for staying a virgin, since he was disgusting, unappealing, and never bothered to seem remotely likeable to anybody. (Jesus, he had so much nerve...... He was 18 but looked 36, his genetics were terrible for him.)

"How will I ever get over Calvin?", by realizing Calvin was too anxious, overly sensitive, and would never actually commit or be his own individual person.... Nothing annoys me worse than someone that focuses on what they THINK I want them to be like, instead of..... just being unafraid to be themselves. (Why would I want a pussy ass liar? I wanted dick, he claimed he wanted to date.... no one won there.)

"How will I get over YellowHaired Patrick?", by realizing he would never commit, was leading you on, and never put in an effort. He was still a great relationship, but theres a limit on how many chances of "I'd toootally be monogamous with you, and seriously date you, i swear, buuuuuut"...... incidents, one can hear from a guy.

And of course, present day.

"How are you gonna get over the most recent ex?"

Realizing it was probably going in an unhealthy direction due to several factors. The spitting incident + his oddly insecure best friend = two moments of "alright, i dont think i mean as much to this person then"

The situation not getting resolved lead to blocking and some preeeeetty verbally hostile spewings online, and well, thats that.

If a situation wasnt getting resolved, then well, it most likely never would have, and leaving was the only way I could feel comfortable about the person I like deciding I wasnt really worth the effort.

And if me and his closest friend couldn't give eachother the benefit of the doubt, without butting heads from a distance, it would have just affected my trust in him, aaaaand.... yeah, inherently stupid people getting in the way annoy me. And i wouldnt want to let it get to me, or affect me, or the person I date....

It was just better, I guess.

He's okay, just, that situation was kinda gonna lead to a risky path.

I hope everything turns out well for him, its a little disheartening but nothing I can do about it. A lot went down the drain; hanging with his family during the christmas holiday, meeting his bro, hanging out on his birthday with his other friends hella chill.

Agh.

But, it was for the best, and i gotta just let things be.

Anywho.... I gotta like, shower, and feel better about life at this current point in time.

I know damn well that not a single person on Earth is laying in bed waiting for life to pass them by other me, so I better go spite the fuck out of them by doing the same.

Thats all.

Peace out my loves. Have a chill day, hope that everything goes well. laters. :)

The concept of “deserving” and the justice system

At some point of my life I liked to spend my time over watching true crime videos – the solved ones in particular. It seemed fascinating to me to find out about the criminals’ backgrounds and their possible reasons to do what they did. Human minds never fail to impress me with their diversity and flexibility, and I sometimes choose peculiar ways of studying people.

But anyway, everything seemed pretty much okay, until I stumbled upon one case. If you’re familiar with this kind of content, you might know what case I am referencing. Two young boys, about ten years old each, kidnapped a three-year old baby from a shopping mall, then tortured him and killed him. An extremely cruel case, if you ask me, but that is not the point I was getting to. The boys were found, went through the trial, were sentenced to several years of imprisonment and served it in special facility for underage criminals. Then they both were released and given different identities, and one of them kept committing crimes as an adult and going to prison again.

So, I decided to check the comment section under the video. Just wondered what the people were thinking. And oh boy. What a shitstorm. I have never seen such violent comments under any true crime video before, and I was infuriated. Lots of people were absolutely seriously typing that the boys deserved bigger sentences, that their prison conditions were too mild, they needed to be executed, they did not deserve anonymity and they are garbage and a waste of space and oxygen. Basically – that they didn’t deserve to live.

I have been saying for a long amount of time: if you think you have the right to decide, who is worth living and who is not, what makes you different from the murderer? Can you even hear yourself? All of these comment writers, all of these tens of thousands of people who were protesting and pressuring the government back then to punish the two boys harder, cannot see anything above their aggression and desire to punish and suppress. But… that is exactly what criminals do. Suppress and show their power and dominance via hurting, punishing and taking lives.

You might say “yeah, but this is done in return, and they deserve to feel the pain because of how they made their victim(s) feel!” But there’s also a thing that most people forget, don’t think about or prefer to comfortably ignore. No one ever will decide to commit a crime if they’re happy. Whoever does something awful, no matter if it’s a crime or just something painful for other person, is already suffering. No exceptions. Some may not show it or may not understand it themselves, but they are extremely unhappy people. No one does bad things for no reason. And the fact that you, yourself, are offended or triggered, should not make you forget about that, dehumanize the offender and basically be absolutely the same in the desire to hurt.

(Disclaimer: I absolutely do not promote and/or encourage staying in any kind of abusive relationship or letting people face no consequences. Forgiving the person and treating them as a human being does not equal staying around them and forgetting about their actions.)

This whole concept of deserving something is what led our society to the way it is in the first place. It is the reason we have crimes, victims and criminals. Suicides and bullying. Poverty and wars. People become unhappy, twisted and insane because of their lack of love. Because someone has decided that they don’t deserve love for some reason. Because it was established as an extremely old way of control and manipulation, portrayed as “the right way of raising children without spoiling them”. Because generations and generations of unhappy people raised unhappy people, being unable to give them the love they never had themselves. The two boys, in this particular case, were born and raised in extremely unhappy families, and they never saw anything except violence and alcoholism. Nobody cared about them, nobody wanted to help them. And if it isn’t a perfect way to raise someone with an absolutely twisted perception of life, then I don’t know what is. Sure, everyone adapts to such circumstances differently, and some kids don’t become openly violent against others. But when you sow nothing but aggression and unhappiness, you can’t expect to reap anything different.

How can the justice system be called that way, if it brings absolutely no justice most of the time, and just turns away from the source of the problem and gives no real cure? You can’t apply a formula to other people’s grief, you can’t measure guilt and you can’t prevent crimes by fear of punishment. You can’t state what other people deserve or don’t deserve because of what they did or didn’t do, make it a rule and force everyone to fit into it.

I have already described my view on justice “in a perfect world” before, on my other blog, but I’ll try again. In every case, in every crime the biggest thing that matters is the criminal’s background and their desire to change. Every single case should be reviewed individually, without any planned patterns and comparison to other crimes, and there definitely should be no violent sentences. The goal should be not to punish and beat the desire to do wrong out of people, but to offer them a chance to heal. To figure out why they did wrong and what can be done to teach them how to do right. Of course, if the person doesn’t want to change and sees nothing wrong in their actions, they have to be isolated from society until they change their mind sincerely. But again, not to punish, but to prevent more people from being hurt. And I think that even if such system might be tricked and the change in the prisoner’s mind can be skillfully faked despite all the high-tech ways of control and trained psychologists, these cases would still be less frequent than justice system mistakes that we have today.

Because, after all, I believe that everyone in the world is worthy of a chance to be happier. And if everyone was judged only by their past mistakes (that we all have made) – what would have happened to all of us and our lives?..

odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so  paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that?????  i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love

pls dont die

i am no professional. just want to get that and my thoughts out. Good -whatever time it is- my fellow human. No doubt that every single one of you probs have been/is depressed or thinking/thought about death. Before I get to my main point, you should get a few things first. Feeling/thinking this is normal. So don’t make yourself even more depressed with the thought that you’re abnormal or whatever. Okay, back to my point. So you’re depressed. Whatever the reason may be- family, friends, school, work, overthinking, etc. - like I said, THATS NORMAL. Everyone goes through that. From depression that came from the death of a beloved character to depression caused by abuse- it’s depression. From depression that lasts half a day to depression that lasts years- it’s still depression. Believe it or not, depression comes in all shapes and sizes. (Personally, I think that it’s your choice if you want to be depressed or not. Hang on, before you call BS, hear me out first. It’s up to you on how you want to live your life or how to view it. IT IS ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE.) Again, back to the point. Whenever I search ‘depression’ on google it always showed that depression is a sickness that can be treated- which hurt me a little but “okay google.whatever you say." For me, I don’t think so. I see depression as a mere hurdle that you’re about to run into. Like a phase of your life. Though, some phases are shorter than others. And also the fact that while still in the middle of trying to overcome that ‘hurdle/phase’ you just give up- thus, SUICIDE. I always stumble unto the questions: “What do you think about suicidal people? Do you think they’re strong? Do you think they’re weak?” I think that they are both. Strong for being able to just leave everything behind or strong enough to not think of everything else- THEY HAVE STRONG CONVICTION. Yet, I also thing that they are weak. Weak for succumbing to their problems. Weak for not trying harder to live. Weak for not fighting against it. Now, there are people who you can’t really say that they want to die, but you also cant say that they want to live. They’re like “I’ll die today? Okay.” these are also the ones who won’t look both ways when crossing the road. They don’t mind living, but they also don’t mind dying. If you ask them “what if I kill you right now?” they would probably answer with a shrug and say “go ahead” but if you give them a knife or a gun they’ll raise a brow at you and ask what the f are you smoking. So where am I going with this? For everyone who can be under the category of “im depressed” and “i want to die/ meh death” I would like to give you a few tips to continue living and not kick the bucket. It probably won’t apply to everyone who reads this but I hope that I got you to realize something and that YOUR LIFE IS A LOT MORE VALUABLE THAN THE PROBLEM(s) YOU ARE FACING.

- FIND A CAUSE i read this tip while reading a book. Whether it may be the stupidest thing ever- ex. proving that the earth is flat(not to bring down flat earthers or anything)- or one of the biggest movements in the world- ex. LGBTQ+ community- FIND A CAUSE. Enjoy it too. My cause is happiness through a sprinkle of sarcasm and sass. That might seem a bit childish but it’s true. I want people to be happy that they met me- no matter how narcissistic that sounds. It’s just the way it is. - DONT LIVE YOUR LIFE PLEASING OTHERS YOUR LIFE IS YOURS TO LIVE. Don’t let people make you live their dreams. ”u dont get it. if i dont live their dream ww3 might happen” “u dont get it. if i dont do this i wont get my inheritance” “they might disown me” BITCH ITS YOUR LIFE NOT THEIRS. If you want to do it on your accord then go ahead but NEVER let people force their dreams on you. If you fail to meet their expectations you’ll find yourself a lot more broken than you were before. This maybe 0% helpful to those like me. To be honest, I don’t live for myself. I continue living for the people I love. With just the thought that if I’m gone, I will never be able to hug or kiss or talk to them. Which brings me to the next one; - EXCUSES EXCUSES. find a reason to live. even if its the smallest thing. your phone, your book collection. an unaired season of your favorite tv show. go through the day with a goal set in mind- that is if the goal isnt to die- a tip for this is to be selfish yet not selfish. BE SELFISH ENOUGH TO NOT LET GO OF THE THING YOU VALUE MOST. BE UNSELFISH ENOUGH TO THINK ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU. Now, this may be a little hard for those who “dont have anyone anymore to love”. it doesnt mean a person or a living thing exactly. it can be your phone. it can be food that you want to eat. Find reasons to not bite that bullet.

- LIVE NOW. NOT YESTERDAY. NOT TOMORROW. BUT NOW. Don’t dwell on your mistakes from the past. Learn to forgive yourself and to forgive others- you’ll find yourself feeling a lot lighter with those grudges off your shoulders but never forget- no matter how cheesy that sounds. Don’t worry about something that hasn’t happened yet. Don’t think about the solution to a problem you haven’t even seen yet. Instead, face whatever you are in front of now.

- the cheesiest of them all BE TRUE TO YOURSELF faking who you are is a burden that is a lot heavier than you think. lying to yourself and to others is a hard task to do especially because you have to keep it up- again and again. Which will end up deceiving others that you’re a person you actually are not. When they find out that you are not who you say you are, you’ll end up with 80 lbs weights on your shoulders (figuratively)

- FIND FRIENDS Surround yourself with good ones too. Friends are not only people who you are “okay” with but people who actually gives a fuck about you.

- SILVER LINING! Don’t be negative. if you want to continue to live you’ve got to stop thinking about the worst things in life. be grateful about positive situations and don’t fret the small stuff. Find the silver lining in your worst situation and solve it.

​wherever you are reading this (tumblr, instagram, facebook, etc) i just want you to know that this is in no way made to offend you. if i did, i'm sorry. another thing. this list is isnt finished. feel free to add more to it.