.

ONE TOO MANY・⁠｡♪ LN4

( lando norris x fem!reader )

IN WHICH. when one more orgasm is one too many (based on this ask)

WARNINGS. 18+, MINORS DNI!, p in v sex, high hotness (although not as pertinent, could really be read as sober sex tbh), unintentional overstimulation, a bit of crying, lando is a sweetheart

NOTE. pretty short, would probably be more of a drabble. nothing much to say other than this is not my best work but enjoy! credits to @benkeibear for the dividers.

SIDENOTE. my askbox is open! feel free to send in any thoughts, scenarios, requests etc for lando 🤍

‧₊˚✩彡 taglist @laciijane @ferrarrigirl @norrizzandpia (use askbox above if you'd like to be added!)

y/n feels lando everywhere, in places where she cannot ever fathom the tingles of pleasure reaching, and it succumbs her mind to a state of tattered mesh. the margin between euphoria and pain chips away in grand chunks, red swiftly dissolving in green and all ability to think dwindles.

usually, she's one to favour a bit of overstimulation, hence why lando currently slams his hips into hers, cock jabbing her cervix incessantly just succeeding 2 consecutive orgasms. yet, partnered with the fact that she's high out of her mind (leading to heavily amplified sensations) and how she already had her own fun before lando came home (and, by proxy, got high and excessively horny) meant that her body was on the verge of crying out in it all just exceeding the usual threshold.

she can feel her body shaking, head nudging the headboard with every thrust lando bestows, and it's like she's bouncing on hot lava: seconds of pure relief, startled by white heat.

there's barely any transition between the build up and her orgasm, the wave of aching pleasure crashing upon her in the blink of an eye, and her back arches completely off the bed.

"fuck fuck fuckkk-"

"yeah, that's it, baby," lando groans as he continues to snap his hips into her ass, "you're doing so well for me."

he's not stopping, and y/n can't blame him because it's quintessential that they go for longer. then lando's pace quickens and his dick seems to fly in and out of her that she can't answer what he asks.

"you can give me another, can't you?"

she wants to shake her head, but she's completely unmoving. her moans turn into silent, drunken puffs, eyes fused tightly shut as she digs her nails into the flesh of lando's muscular back. paradoxically, everything feels like nothing at all, and simultaneously, too much and her mouth flies open desperately in sobs and words as hands push into lando's sides to get him off.

"red! fuck— red, lando!"

it's with neck snapping velocity that he sheaths out of her, broken out of his high daze so rapidly that he feels disoriented. their safeword has never been used before, and now that it has, he feels like crying.

"shit, baby, i'm sorry," he presses kisses into her chest and face, concern multiplying when her sobs don't stop, "are you okay? what's wrong?"

"just too much today, sorry," she shifts to straighten out her leg but it jostles her throbbing cunt, making her wince. lando's frown deepens; it's not usually this painful for her.

"nothing to be sorry for, love," another peck is stuck on her lips, "let me get you a towel."

her throat clogs up, too enervated and satiated to reply, so she hums affirmatively instead. the bed dips and, with hooded eyes, she watches as he makes his way to the en suite, hears a few seconds of shuffling before the creak of tap and gushing water.

lando resurfaces seconds later, gently opening her legs before wiping her down. every touch heightens tenfold, and she pushes his hands away after a couple of swatches.

lando's eyebrows stay furrowed, "y/n, you should've stopped me earlier-"

"it's fine, lan'," she stretches an arm to pull him in, "just wanna cuddle now."

he follows, tucking her body into his front as he kissed the side of her neck.

"i'll run you a bath after," lando weaves his fingers through hers, "sound good?"

finally, in a state of bliss, y/n softly smiles, pulling their braided hands up to land a peck onto lando's skin.

"yeah, love, sounds perfect."

Don’t Blame Me

Aaron Hotchner x BAU Reader Part 2!

Part 1 Here

(Based on Season 4 episode 9)

“If you walk away, I’d beg you on my knees to stay”

TW: Mentions of Sexual Assault (Marked if you need to skip)

It had been a full day since your.. less than a professional encounter with Hotch, and it’s safe to say that you had been left reeling. Not only was it unbelievably unprofessional- you enjoyed it and wanted more of it, and that was what made you the most angry. You had never even considered being attracted to him- aside from the occasional dream fantasy- and now? You were all in your head about what this meant, not focusing on the task and case at hand. Your teammates had taken notice, and had all tried to inquire in their own way- Emily bluntly, Garcia by sweetalking, Morgan by flirting- but you had pushed aside every effort and kept to yourself- making an extra effort not to make direct eye contact with Hotch, if you could help it. And that had been successful- until now, that is.

“It’s possible that we need a decoy. Someone to see how his methods work, up close and personal.” Reid offers to Hotch, and Hotch nods, his gaze shifting to your desk, where you were chewing on the tip of a pen, eyes glazed over and deep in thought about- something. “Someone he knows, someone he’s comfortable with. So he can feel like he’s winning.” Reid follows his gaze, pausing, “Sir, if I may- __ seems to be distracted at the moment and it may not be best for her to-” Hotch is ignoring him, closing the case shut and motioning in your direction. “Agent __, Agent Prentiss, I’d like to speak with you two.”

Emily snaps her fingers in front of your face- but you had already come to the sound of Hotch saying your last name. You rolled your eyes at her, trailing behind her and positioning yourself out of Hotch’s gaze. “We need you two to go undercover, in order to fully grasp the methods our unsub is using, adapted from Viper’s.” “So, we need to get Viper to try his moves on us.” Emily sighs, nodding. You talk softly, gritting your teeth slightly, “Yes, sir.” Hotch’s eyes find yours, finally, “Agent, you can sit this one out, if you feel unsafe-” “No. I can do it.” Your voice comes out bitter and sharp, so you hastily add a “Sir.” at the end to cover your tracks. You follow Emily into the women’s locker room, grabbing your go bag and angrily digging through it. “You okay?” Emily raises her eyebrow at you, well versed at reading women by now. “Fine. Let’s just get this over with.”

The familiar lights of the, once again, still sleazy bar hit your face as you walk in, carefully trailing behind Emily, with eyes alert. You had both changed into less FBI-agent like clothes, grabbing a drink from the bar as you found a seat n the corner. Before long, the familiar sharp scent of cheap cologne met your nostrils as Viper emerged behind you. “Well, well, well. Look who’s back for a taste. Who’s your friend?” You see Emily swallow a snarky remark, “Emily Prentiss.” “Enchante.” Viper smirks, bowing dramatically as his eyes find you. “So, tell me, did my methods work?” “You could say that, I suppose.” You hear Hotch’s voice in your head, Agent, you can sit this one out, and you grit your teeth, leaning in closer and continuing to banter with him.

SKIP HERE FOR SA TRIGGER!! At a certain point, you feel Emily tugging on your shirt, and you whip around to see her slyly following a man in a fedora. You turned back to Viper, “This has been.. Nice, but I have to go now, I’m afraid. Look me up on Facebook- unless you’re too off-grid for that.” Viper’s eyes change, grabbing onto your arm and pulling you to him quickly. “I don’t think so.” He growls, dragging you back into the depths of the bar. You freeze, going limp as you realize the danger you’ve put yourself in. You fumble for your gun- shit, you had gone in unarmed and unwired. You found yourself in the same dark corner you had been in earlier, just in daylight- it was much scarier now. Viper’s rough hands found your body, as you shook your head, trying to protest, or fight back, “Stop, please-” “Don’t fight it.” His hand found your mouth, muffling your protests.

You sunk your head against the brick wall, closing your eyes as tears streaked down your face- until a sharp voice broke through the dark. “FBI, Freeze, hands behind your back! Now!” You blinked quickly, seeing the blurry vision of Hotch aiming a gun at your attacker through your tears. Viper scoffed as Morgan cuffed him, and you fell against the wall, your knees crumbling underneath you. Hotch immediately put his gun away, moving towards you- but you summoned every bit of strength left in you and threw your arms around him. He stiffened at first, but just as quickly wrapped his arms around you, tightly holding you and using his free hand to stroke your hair. “It’s okay, sweetheart. I’m here.”

“Don’t blame me, love made me crazy”

(if it doesn’t, you ain’t doing it right)

𝐀/𝐍 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐭 𝐬𝐨 𝐢𝐭 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐲 𝐢𝐬𝐧’𝐭 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐬!! 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐬𝐨 𝐟𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢’𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭,, 𝐢𝐟 𝐢𝐭’𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 ;)

Late Night admin

Pairing - Price X Tank X Ghost

Summary - A team night out turns into more, is 3 really a crowd?

Warnings - Smut (18+) Voyeurism, Language, alcohol, Age gap Price (39) Tank (25) Ghost (36) SoftDom!Price, public sex, praise kink, fingering, Hair pulling, Oral (M receiving), P in V, unsafe sex, Ghost being a little simp for Tank

AN- Well, this was meant to be smut without plot...well, I failed at that.. not 100% happy with it, but we'll see what you guys think. It doesn’t tie in with the Your captain series- this is an AU in which dr Helen never even crossed Prices mind, Tank never left for Squad 8 …so a better universe 🤣🤣🤣

It's kind of filth/heartfelt. Also I know Kyle has moves no one can tell me otherwise, haha 😂

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Call of duty characters, Only Tank

💖 As always, feedback welcome! It only results in me getting more stuff out - p.s Iam working on Breakaway state part 3 don't worry 😘

@deadbranch @mildlyhopeless @fanficandartgal @shuttlelauncher81 @a-littlebirdie @soapyghost @boomtowngirl @mostannoyingbillioner @brewed-pangolin @chb-7 @sarcastic-raptor163 @tapioca-marzipan

@onlycodcanjudgeme

_______________

“What?”

“No nothing…you look good kid…you sure you don’t want my jacket?” Price was already removing it from his shoulders.

“No im good, I’m literally in jeans and a T-shirt…” You looked down at yourself, but the comment still boosted your ego, but Prices opinion was biased at the best of times he told you you looked stunning with dirt, grime and gun oil on your face!

“Yeh but you look good…is that one of my T-shirts? Have you knotted it at the back?”

“No…its an old one…” you made for the door out of his office knowing full well it wasnt an old one and it was infact the very same top he had worn earlier today.

“Tank…If that has my name on the label…”

“It doesn’t want me to take it off and show you?”

“Yes actually…” He smirked knowing full well it was his. You scoffed he wasnt daft, for a start it did have his name on the label and smelt of cigars and his aftershave.

“I thought you wouldn’t mind, and besides if I smell like another man then guys won’t try and grind up on me in the club! It’s a win win…Me and Kyle can dance in peace with out you and Ghost kicking heads in” you rested your hand on his chest. He didn’t know you were going to a club. Shit.

“A club? I thought it was a pub?”

“Need to get your hearing checked already? How very sexy John” you motioned for him to leave his office, he followed reluctantly.

*********

As you an Price entered the club the music hit you vibrating through your body. You turned to look back at your Captain he looked annoyed already, it was too many people for him. That an the doorman had asked you for ID at the same time the other had told Price the pub was down the road. As you manoeuvred through the crowd of bodies you reached back for his hand and laced your fingers into his giving them a little squeeze and a wink. He smiled, thats all he needed, but he did feel abit daft, this place wasnt like the dive clubs he had gone to as a teen, it was fancy and he much preferred the pub, the doorman had said one was down the road he wondered if he could talk at least Ghost into joining him leaving the ‘youngsters’ to the clubbing.

“TANK!”

You spotted Kyle waving to you from across the room, you tugged on Price's hand leading him through the crowd. Ghost and Soap were sat in the private booth you and Kyle had booked. You can’t even remember when you had booked it but you were both definitely drunk when you did, never again were you being left in charge of team nights out. Soap jumped up he looked almost shocked to see Price, but then these days where ever you were Price wasn't far behind.

“Captain! Tank! Nice of you to join us” He slapped Price on the back.

Ghost moved up for Price to sit beside him handing him a drink, it wasn't top shelf like they were use to but it would do as he did he gave you the quick once over, he always did, he noted that you were wearing Price's Tshirt he knew because the sleeves were much wider than one that was your size, the knot on the back making it tight and hug you just right and also the Cigar smoke and aftershave were a dead giveaway.

Before Price could tell you to sit down next to him, you and Kyle had already made your way to the Dance floor, he shook his head smiling he loved when you were like this…happy…having a good time there wasn’t much time for that in your line of work…even if it wasn't his scene he was happy he came just to see you laughing and dancing and…..were you not wearing a bra? How had he not noticed that back at the base? Fuck sake! He would be having words later, he wasn't the only one who had noticed, it was the first thing Ghost had clocked when you had walked up to them, he watched as your tits bounced with every movement and the way you swayed your hips had him shifting in his seat to rearrange his jeans. Price was a lucky man. Taking a sip of his drink he noticed Price was also watching you, Ghost was probably the only one who knew that you guys had been fucking for a few weeks now, he had caught you two at it late one night in Price’s office, Price had looked entranced by you falling apart under him, Ghost had wanted to be apart of that , he wanted to be the reason you crumbled wanted to feel you under him…but he simply observed replaying it back later in his bunk. After that he had watched you both a few more times he tracked your habits knew what words were code for you two getting together. “Need a had with some paperwork tonight Tank, you mind?” You neverminded, thats what Ghost found so alluring, you never said no to your Captain, complete obedience, as he always said “Good soldiers, follow orders” and you were the best little soldier he knew. It made him jealous, he wanted you wrapped around him, he wanted just a taste of what you and Price had even if he had to share.

****

You an Kyle had been dancing for what seemed ages, your skin numb from the beat. You noticed Price and Ghost in deep conversation.

“What do you think they are taking about!” You tired to shout in Kyles ear. He was 7 tequilas in so he hadn’t noticed them looking over as much.

“Who Price and Ghost? How would I know…the good old days probably hahaha ohh no this is a banger of a tune!” You had lost him now. You looked back over to the booth, Soap was ordering more drinks and trying to chat up the waitress who to be fair looked interested. Ghost was now in Price’s ear, you made eyes at Price he just gave you a wink. You had a feeling you were the topic of conversation.

********

“Had much paper work this week Captain?” Ghost finished his drink. Price side eyed him, He knew Ghost had been watching you and him for the last few weeks, he wasnt daft Ghost thought he was smart but Price was smarter.

“You know what I have, Tank has been a massive help, don’t know what id do with out her…”

“Yehhh shes a good girl our Tank…thinking of asking her if she wants some one on one sparring sessions…perfect her hand to hand combat skills…” Ghost signaled the waitress for another round.

“Hmmm you can always ask, she’s pretty busy most days with me or Kyle…but you can only ask cant you?” Price gulped his drink in one.

“Yeh I noticed shes always busy with you, not so much Kyle…but I was thinking more of a late night class, I think she’d be up for it…you could even join in…give us a few pointers If you get what I mean…thats only If Tank is good with it?”

Price narrowed his eyes, was Ghost suggesting what he thought he was? Bold move…even though he didn’t like the thought of sharing you with him, Price did like the idea of putting him in his place he had no doubt Ghost would be good to you, but not like he was, it would be nice to take him down a notch or two, he had noticed him sniffing around you and it was becoming tiresome. Price glanced over at you, he wondered if you’d even be up for it, He beckoned you over.

You were being summoned, you tapped Kyle to signal you were going to get your drink from the booth, he nodded he was in full rave mode. The heat from all the bodies was suffocating, it wasnt till you emerged out and into the booth did you realise how warm it had been in there, your skin was shiny with sweat. Price patted the seat in between him and Ghost, both men hardly budge up, it was a tight squeeze. You sat down sipping your drink. Cosy.

“Having fun kid?” Price handed you and Ghost a shot as you downed the drink in your hand.

“Thanks and yeh…what’s up?” You were on alert now, this was the first time in weeks these two looked like they were getting on? Something was going on?

“We have a little proposal for you love” Ghost leaned back in his seat his arms on the back of the booth, legs spread wide.

“Oh yeah? An what would that be?” You took Prices drink from him, swishing it before knocking it back…not his usual grade but it went down a treat. Price gave you alittle smirk, you caught on fast no beating around the bush with you. His clever girl.

“Well…Me and Ghoat have been talking and…” Price handed you another shot.

“Is this about Ghost watching us have sex in your office? Because I know about that…I clocked him about 3 weeks ago…Whats up LT you not been able to get it out of your head? The Captain is good at what he does…” You took the shot and followed it with another. Both men looked at eachother in disbelief. Ghost rolled his eyes.

“What do you mean you knew? You knew he was watching us the whole time?” Price leaned forward. He couldn’t believe you hadnt said anything.

“Yeh…I thought it was something you two had arranged? I thought thats what the whole song and dance with ‘Need a hand doing some paper work’ was about? I thought it was code for Me and Tank are gonna be at it in my office Ghost” you gave a thumbs up to demonstrate. Ghost started laughing it was a sound you only heard on the rare occasion something really tickled him.

“So how about it then Tank…Me you and the Captain? You up for it” He rested his hand on your thigh leaning in close enough you could smell his aftershave, it was peppery and dark it sent shivers up your spine. Price slid his hand up the back of your top spreading his fingers out on your back it only intensified the goosebumps.

“What do you think Boss?” You glanced round to Price giving him a cheeky grin? Price was hooked.

“Yeh I don't mind a little bit of audience participation if you dont kid, what time we leaving?” He snaked his hand round to your chest palming your breast in his rough hand. Ghost watched as you melted into Price's Touch.

******

It had been a mad struggle to convince Soap not to bring the waitress back to the base with you in the end Ghost had paid her to walk away. He had better things to be doing.

Once back at the base you said your good nights and headed to your side of the base, Soap helped Kyle to their shared room, but Ghost hung back.

“You not coming LT?” Soap wanted help with the very drunk Kyle.

“Im sure you can manage Johnny…Im gonna have a proper drink with Price…need to get the taste of shit bourbon out my mouth”

Soap nodded picking Kyle back up from the floor half carrying him half dragging.

“Don’t let him swallow his tongue!” Price yelled after them.

Once they were out of ear shot Price turned to the lieutenant.

“Some ground rules Ghost…you don’t cum inside her I don’t care how good it feels…she likes it rough but nothing visible, lastly if she says stop you stop”

Ghost nodded why did he feel nervous? He’d imagined this hundreds of times, he followed Price to your room.

“Oh one more thing…even in here I’m still your Captain so what I say goes”

Price knocked before letting himself in to your room, Ghost right behind him.

Without a word Price moved in on you in two strides pressing his body to yours cupping your face, pulling you into a deep kiss. Ghost watched on as Price unbuttoned your jeans pulling them down and helping you step out of them. He didn’t know when he should join in he waited for the go ahead.

Price sat you on the end of the bed, his hand stroking the top of your head.

“Thought you wanted to join in Ghost?” Price called back to him, never taking his eyes off yours. That was his invite.

They both towered over you but you didn’t care, you had already started working on unbuckling Prices belt. Ghost was already shifting his jeans down to rest on his hips.

“Steady on sweetheart…” Price stopped your hands, pulling his cock out for you. Ghost steadily stroking away. The site of them both made you ache. Ghost was exactly how you imagined, Price steered you head in his direction pressing his tip to your lips.

“Open wide for me love” Price stroked your cheek tenderly. You did as you where told and wrapped your mouth around him softly licking the underside of his head. You looked up at him as he slid further down your throat. The sight caused Ghost to let out a low growl.

“That’s a good girl…” Price looped his hand up into your hair. You could feel Ghost getting impatient, but you looked to Price for permission, he nodded. You reached out your hand to grab him. He sighed at the softness of your hand on his cock you stroked him but he was eager to have your mouth around him as well. You pulled away from Price leaving a string of spit and took Ghost in your mouth, you could feel the corners of your mouth split as you tried to take him in. Christ, he was big, you tried your hardest but you gagged and pulled your head away gasping.

They looked at each other amused then back at you, like a pair of bullies that had their victim cornered.

“Easy now…lets not get carried away eh?” Price cupped your face letting your recover.

“Lay back for me…” you did as you were told, the butterflies in your stomach more of a flurry now. Price crouched infront of you his mouth an inch away from your opening you could feel his warm breath. You looked down at his handsome face his eyes a liquid blue you willed him to touch you. The heat from his tongue as it slipped in caused a little groan to escape from you.

“Please…fingers…please” you begged him.

“So impatient…but seeing as you asked politely…” Price could rarely say no to you, he pushed two fingers in his tongue still flat against your clit, you could feel his beard scratching your inner thighs but you liked it always did. He lazily curled his fingers up inside you, as you rolled your head back you locked eyes with Ghost. He moved closer to you, his hand falling to stroke the top of your head all the filthy things he wanted to do to you caused a stampede in his mind. Price stopped and turned his attention to Ghost. He was getting impatient as well Price wasn't a cruel man but Ghost needed to learn his place when it came to you. He removed his fingers and angled himself over you pressing his tip just enough to make you squirm. Ghost watched as your eyes switched from a soft focus to full-blown desire.

“Think Ghost wants to know what it feel like to be inside you Tank…so I'm going to be generous and let him go first, is that ok?”

Price leant forward planting little kisses on your breasts and stomach, your skin smelt of him it drove him insane he hoped Ghost would be able to smell it a reminder of who’s you were claimed by him.

You nodded glancing over at Ghost who waited for Price to remove himself from between your legs he was taking his time on purpose.

“Ill be right here where you can see me ok…” Price positioned himself just to the side of you. You watched him as Ghost softly nestled between your thighs. He lifted his ski mask up so it rested on the bridge of his nose. He placed your leg over his shoulder slightly lifting you from underneath with his hand he angled you up to his face. The position was a new one and Price was impressed and he knew you were to from the little smirk on your face which was soon wiped clean as Ghost made contact with you, he went at it like a last meal, the taste of bourbon and honey and the faint cigar ash…Price making sure he knew he was just a guest.

He sucked hard on your clit causing you to dig your heel into his back arching up further. The noises coming from you sent him into a frenzy and knew you were close, he wanted you to cum, he need you to cum he had to hear the sound and know he had caused it.

“Need to feel you cum on him cock…” Ghost shoved you up the bed with one hand, he nudge at your centre with his tip, Price looked at you for any sign of hesitation Price was above average in size but Ghost was wider, but from the look in your eyes you wanted it. Fair enough. Without a word you spread you legs open wider for him. The fuse in Ghosts brain blew, he slowly pushed inside, your walls stretching around him, it was a tight fit. It took everything for him not to ram his length in fully. One last push and he was fully inside you for real and not just in his head with his hand as a very poor substitute.

“Fuckin hell…” Ghost was drunk on the feeling of you around him, with every draw back your walls sucked him back in he had to slow down or else he was going to break the first rule, but your moans were blocking out all rational thoughts, then there the sound he wanted to hear most of all you were coming undone the barrier falling down. You clawed at his chest, shuddering as you came. He gently wrapped his hand round your throat only applying light pressure looking into your eyes. Price said you liked it rough.

“Simonnnnn……”you moaned as you shook, he had to pull back slightly he would of happily filled you up there and then but he could feel Price switching his gaze from you to him. Watching him like a hawk. How bad of a beating would it be?

“On your front Tank” Price stood at the top of the bed helping you get on all fours.

“Let’s get one more out of her eh?…remember not inside…I mean it…Ill hang you myself…” Price winked as he said it, Ghost believed him.

Looking down at you spread open again for him, he watched Price nuzzle your face, calling you a good girl as you took him to the base. He felt spoilt as he buried himself inside you again only giving you a moment to adjust around him before he bucked his hips into you with each thrust he made sure to slowly drag himself back out trying to match the rhythm of Price thrusting into your throat.

“Tell your Lieutenant how good you feel…tell him…how good you are…” Price gritted his teeth.

You could feel your orgasm building then the thin little thread broke, causing both men to fall apart, ready to break. Price had stilled, his head back as you swallowed every last bit. Just as Ghost was close you turned to look at him, you eyes glossy.

“Did Price tell you not to cum inside me?…” You voice was strained, it was enough to send him over the edge. He nodded only slowly slightly.

“Well you can…but I want to see your face as you do…without the mask…” You half-turned you body reaching up for him to hold you to his chest. Price shot you a look, no way Ghost was removing his mask…but just like that it was off and thrown on the floor…Ghost was hook, line and sinker for you.

“Good boy…” you studied him kissing the large scar on his face. He clutched you to his chest, his forehead resting on your temple panting your name as he came inside you coating your walls. You both collapsed forward Ghost moving to the side of you still tangled up you reached to pull Price onto the bed, he obliged. The small cot creaked in protest under the 3 of you.

“Do you want your mask back Ghost?” Price reached for it.

“No…its ok ill leave it off for a little longer..does this mean I get to help with paperwork more often?” He kissed your shoulder liking the way your skin felt against his face.

“We’ll see” You and Price agreed in unison.

Hello hope you are having a good day/night

I was wondering if I could request the 141 tf (and a lil Ghost) x M reader, where a mission doesn't go as planned and reader gets separated from the team, the team have to leave reader behind who has already mapped out a route back to base but it could take a couple days. A couple days of little to no food or water and an open wound they told no one about so as not to be a burden but know the risk of infection is high.

Request fill! A little Ghost x Reader action

A/N: HI! Thank you so much for requesting! you genuinely have no idea what it means to me I'm actually so excited to be able to write this for you! I also literally love you now btw

So a little background for the story, Ghost and reader aren't yet in a relationship but are very clearly pining over each other(sorta), Reader has also been a part of the 141 for a good while and has a really good family dynamic with the team!! 

C/W: angst(?), gore, mentions of torture(reader), reader doubts 141, reader gets a major injuries(But its not super talked about), reader’s wounds get infected, Ghost and reader pining for each other at the end but doesn’t actually(technically) get together , also use of y/n and c/s(Call Sign), if there’s anymore lemme know

This was meant to be an easy and a ‘get in get out' mission. How did everything go to shit so quickly?

The 141 moved in to go investigate the small town. Lasswel sent in information to Price a couple days earlier saying some important intel had somehow fallen into the hands of the wrong people and they had to retrieve it. Hopefully as well in the process figure out how the intel got into their hands.

“Everyone move in go” Price was heard through their comms, Everyone starting to move in when a loud noise and force sent the group of highly trained men forwards. “WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK WAS THAT?!” Price yelled into his comms, everyone could hear the distress in his voice. How'd they know the 141 was going to be there.

“Bomb sir! They must know we're her-” The Scotsman was cut off by the rain of bullets that was sent out. Throughout the rain of fire more explosives went off effectively getting 4 of the SAS group to stay together while one was separated.

“Everyone here?” A gruff British accent called out into his comms, looking around throughout the bullets and dust of the battle ground. “SIR I DON'T SEE C/S ANYWHERE!” Gaz screamed out, looking around frantically. Price looked at his team, a grave look on his face as he spoke, “We have to leave. We'll get c/s back you know we don't leave each other behind but going in there right now will get all of us killed” They went off. Not before Ghost stopped giving another look around, concern evident in his eyes, as he looked around for his other teammate.

-time skip- 

<Your POV>

Everything hurts. My head was throbbing. My arms were stuck above my head, cold metal digging into my skin. Opening my eyes, unsurprisingly to see a damp, gloomy, musty and uncomfortable room. No windows, and a single light hanging from the roof and a total of four high up holes in the wall, out of reach. Even if I wasn’t tied up.

“Well we'll look who's awake” My eyes concentrate onto a silhouette outside of the metal bars in front of me. “You've been out for a long time you know, Thought your own body would kill you before we got a chance to talk.” He chuckles as he walks into my view. Walking into the cell he gets closer to my face. Looking away as to not continue looking at him. Grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at him. “Now why don't you tell me the rest of the information I need, hm? won't you be a good boy and tell me what i need to know.”

“Go to hell, dirtbag” I scoff, shaking my head away from his grip. Sometimes I wish I kept my mouth shut. A scream ripped out of my throat. Tears building up in my eyes, the pain shooting up from my leg, the gruelling feel of the knife twisting into my flesh. 

Why haven't they come for me yet? I don't want to have to do this for god knows how long. “Common, just tell me what I want. You do that, this'll stop you know. Just work with me here.” Smirking at me, he realised I wasn't going to be giving up anything that he wanted to know.

And so he just continued. The stabbing, The burning, the Jesus, everything. The more screams that came out of my mouth instead of the information he wanted angered him more. It wouldn't stop. He wouldn't stop. Neither would my screams. The screams that seemed to just egg him on. 

And so he continued, gladly at that. Giving me the minimal amount of water to make sure I wouldn’t pass out from dehydration. He was loving it. Coming in every minute he had the time to torture me. Mercilessly, he just won’t stop.

Surely my team, Ghost at least, Ghost has to come get me soon. It’s Ghost, he’s the best out of us. He’ll be able to find me. I know he will. He has too! I mean it’s Ghost, Ghost will save me, He’ll be worried and he’ll rescue me.

-very lil baby skip-

He hasn’t come for me. No one has. The torture has continued. I’m pretty sure I’ve gained some lovely new permanent scars. Everywhere. Being stripped down to my tank and boxers, forcing the harsh weather to have more of an effect on my body then it may have been.

I can’t do this anymore. Every plan I’ve tried so far has failed. There's been absolutely no signs or showings of the 141. They still haven’t come for me. I’m so tired. How could they do this to me? Ghost. Ghost out of all people, out of everyone he hasn’t come for me. I thought maybe he would’ve- no it doesn’t matter.

The creaking and screeching of doors opening, revealing the person I would least like to see. “How’s my little rat doing, hm? You don’t look so good, now do you?” laughing at his seemingly hilarious joke. Looking away from him, I’m not giving anything he wants. Despite losing faith in his team, he wasn’t going to ruin his reputation in the SAS.

Keeping my mouth shut, of course angers him. I think if I spoke back it would’ve angered him. So surprise surprise grabbing my chin, making me look at his grossly greasy face, the evil smirk gracing (if you could say that) his ugly mug. “You make this so fun for me, you know that?” He chuckles. For fucks sake. Here we go again.

-another time skip(sorry i'm lazy and don't want this so be too long)-

<No one's/3rd Person POV>

Without y/n’s knowledge Ghost was screaming at everyone and everything. He was so stressed. He didn’t know if you were alive, if you were okay, if you had gotten out. After getting separated from you they couldn’t find you. Of course filing you M.I.A for the time being. The reality of the situation setting on even harder for Ghost as he had to read your file, the addition of the daunting letters gracing your profile sent him into a frenzy.

He was snappy, angry, stressed, short tempered and all of the above. He couldn’t get any information on where you might be and it was absolutely driving him absolutely insane. Soap, Gaz and even Price weren't able to help him calm down. They themselves were stressed. Worried for your well being. No one had been able to get into contact with you. Even Lasswel had tried getting information on where you might be or even where the people who had taken you may have ended up.

Everyone and anyone were walking on eggshells around the stressed four men. Though no one dared to go close to Ghost, he hadn’t been sleeping, eating, or keeping himself healthy. Not only were you not there to keep him sane, you weren’t there to remind him. To bring him tea made the exact way he liked it. Not finding his favourite sweets on his desk with a sticky note teasing him about being dark and gloomy but loving bright and overly sugary sweets. He hadn’t realised how much you kept him sane. How much your being made him okay, How much you made him feel like Simon again.

It'd have to have been over a month or two. Though within that month or so here y/n stood, bloodied and bruised. Severe wounds littered his body as he limped through the bloodied halls of where he was once locked up in. Shrugging the last body of dead weight off of him, after stealing someone's clothes. Surprisingly not wanting to find out how to leave here while in his raggedy tank top and his boxers. Fiddling with the keys he found, continuing to limp throughout this god awful place.

Finally navigating his way out, seeing the sun for the first time in what truly felt months, years even. Being tortured every second of being down there, with i cleaned blades, dirty bloody kitchen tools, seemingly anything and everything unclean they could find. Effectively forcing most if not all wounds to become infected.

His body is wasting away, no food and the smallest amount of water to keep him alive. Continuing to walk or limp his way through wherever this shitty place is. Finding a car while limping to the car, finding the keys in his pants, trying them on the car, not believing his luck when it opens. 

Driving, non stop till he finally saw the bloody annoying colours of the barracks he called his home. The soldiers taking watch noticed immediately of the unidentified car coming to their quarters. The 141 run out wondering what's going on, seeing the car, they grab their guns and aim it at the car. Everyone else yelling out at the person to get out of the car. The door opens to reveal none other than their missing teammate. Ghost stood there frozen. Not only were you alive, you got out of there yourself.

Ghost running over to you after breaking out of his shock. He grabbed you and pulled you into his arms. Holding you up as you finally let tears fall, knees buckling under your weight as you held onto Ghost, your Ghost for what felt like your life depended on it. “Are you okay, Love? Holy shit I thought you were dead. We couldn’t find you, I’m so so sorry Darling’” He whispered to you as he carried you to the medic centre. The 141 following a good few feet away.

Placing you down on a bed, pulling off his mask, chuckling at the shock on your sunken eyes. Placing a kiss on your forehead he whispered sweet nothings to you as you used him as a personal heater. A know on your door pulling you away from your moment with Ghost, in walked Price, Gaz and Soap. “Glad yer’ ‘right” Soap spoke softly, giving you a fist bump, “We’re so proud of you kid.” Price’s moustache twitched upwards as he looked down at you. “Yeah like holy shit dude! You got out of there by yourself! You gotta tell us all about it!” Laughing softly at Gaz’s way of making you feel better.

Not only could they see how worn out and just purely unwell you were, they couldn’t help but feel their heart well at the smiles and chuckles you gave while speaking to them. The same goes with you. You could see all of them, the worry and relief of seeing you safe and okay being in front of them. Seeing Ghost, the most dishevelled out of the four men standing above the medical bed, was like having everything bad that had happened to you become better, knowing he did try and you did mean something to him.

After the other three left, Ghost sat, with his mask back on, as you got hooked up to fluids and held your hand while getting your wounds cleaned, and unfortunately the deep clean as most of your wounds had deep and good infections so a good and thorough clean was needed.  Once it was again just you and Ghost, his mask back off. Both men smiling softly at one another. “You're getting sleepy there darling” Ghost chuckled standing up and pulled the covers over you, again kissing your forehead.

“Ghost?” “Hm?” Ghost turning around, and chuckled at you, arms out, waiting expectantly for a hug from the big and scary stoic man. Giving in, he lent down and carefully hugged you. Leaning back up slowly you looked up at him and let out in a soft whisper “Stay with me? Please?” And without a second thought he grabbed a spare blanket and sat down next to you. “Get some sleep. You need it. And before you argue, that’s an order.” chuckling at him and cuddling up with the blanket you closed your eyes, safe, hydrated and a full stomach, but most importantly with Ghost.

A/N: I'm probably gonna make a part two if you guys want one! I really love stories like this and stuff, with like with the angst, i like pain🫶

now that we don’t talk | hjs

summary: you can’t help but feel upset and reel about the past after your breakup with han jisung. however, after weeks of reflection and loneliness, you come to realize that perhaps you’re better off on your own after remembering how awful it was being on and off with him.

pairing: han jisung x fem!reader rating/genre: 18+, Minors DNI | modern/college au, angst, some fluff, slight smut word count: 9.2k warnings/notes: 1989 taylor’s version is my new obsession and this vault track has been growing on me so here we are, long-haired jisung brought me here okay, stoner! jisung, explicit language, alcohol and marijuana usage, major angst, reader is going through it, mentions of sadness and loneliness, slight fluff, jisung is lowkey an asshole and a terrible boyfriend, mentions of sex and sexual activities, reader gets her shit together and finds closure, i’m pretty sure that’s it but if i miss anything please let me know (i’m new at this), hope you all enjoy reading! <3

disclaimer: all members of Stray Kids are faces and name claims for this story. this is entirely a work of fiction and by no means is meant to be a projection, judgment, or representation of real-life people. any scenarios or representations of the people and places mentioned in works are not representative of real life scenarios.

banner made by the lovely @babystrcandy <3

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It was Friday afternoon, and the last thing you wanted to do was meet up for a group project. You and a few other classmates were supposed to be working on some psychology project, analyzing different parts of the brain and how it applies to the work world (you had no clue, it was only assigned to you Wednesday). Your group was supposed to meet yesterday, but of course, one of the members canceled at the last minute, forcing all of you to meet on Friday. Everyone was pissed, to say the least.

The walk to the library was pleasant, if you were being honest. You always loved the spring, how the once dead trees suddenly sprung back to life with healthy leaves and beautiful flowers adorning the branches. The weather was starting to get warmer, which meant you didn’t have to carry around an oversized jacket and gloves all the time. Thank God, cause it came to a point where the freezing cold was starting to bother you. Now you could wear a sweater all on its own and be completely fine. 

You watched as some flower petals blew in the wind, smiling at the image above you. With an iced coffee in your hand, you walked through campus and made your way to the library. After walking in silence amongst the wind, you realized that maybe meeting up for the project today wasn’t so bad after all. The walk seemed to calm you, help you ground yourself after all the negative thoughts that ran through your head previously. You were more motivated to take on the project and get as much work done as possible before heading into a nice, relaxing weekend away from classes. 

Your group decided to secure a study room on the first floor, since you all could talk freely without people trying to quiet down every five minutes. You saw one of your members, Chae-Won, standing outside a room, to which she greeted you by your name and with a wave. “Hey, Chae-Won. Has anyone else come?” You ask her.

“Yeah, we’re all here. We were doing homework separately here earlier and it took us less than five seconds to find each other,” Chae-Won explained, knowing you would feel bad for being the last one to show up and keep everyone waiting. You both walked into the study room and took your respective seats.

The time you spent preparing for this project went by so quickly, as it was already three in the afternoon and everyone was starting to leave for the night. Your group decided to call it a night, after successfully setting up your slides and actually discussing what the project entailed. You were doing just fine until one of your group members, Alex, decided to mention something that took you completely by surprise.

“Of course I’m going to the party tonight. Han Jisung’s going to be there, and you know how fun he can be at parties. Plus, he has the best weed on campus, and I need to refill my stash,” Alex commented, to which your other group member he was talking to smacked his arm loudly.

You froze at the mention of that name. You hadn’t really heard it in a few weeks, since you didn’t talk to many people and honestly tried to forget everything associated with it. You awkwardly look at your surroundings, trying to change the subject completely.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry,” Alex apologized, proceeding to use your name in order to convey how deeply sorry he was.

You played it off by smiling and shaking your head. “It’s fine, Alex. It’s been a bit since we’ve broken up, so you’re all good.”

That’s right. Han Jisung was your ex boyfriend, and the mention of his name always made your skin crawl. You were trying to erase every memory you had of him. He wasn’t a terrible boyfriend, no, but certainly not the best. You couldn’t help but briefly think back to all of the fights you had leading up towards the end of your breakup, how angry and sad you were with him. You also couldn’t help but think about the good times you shared, cuddling and kissing and everything else that came with that. A flurry of emotions and memories swarmed your brain all at once, and you just had to get out of that damn library as quickly as possible.

“All right,” you clapped your hands together. “It was great working with you all tonight, I appreciate all of your hard work. I will get started on my part sometime this weekend, not sure when. I’ll see you guys on Monday. Have a good night, everyone.”

Everyone said goodbye to you as you darted for the exit. You stopped in your tracks, however, when you heard Chae-Won call your name. “Wait up!” She cried. “Hey, I’m sorry for what Alex said, he’s a complete idiot. He honestly wasn’t thinking.”

“No, it’s cool. Not a lot of people knew Jisung and I were together, so it’s not a big deal,” you reassured her, a small pang of sadness hitting your chest.

“I know, but it still hurts. Breakups are the worst, especially when the guy is a dumbass,” Chae-Won said, and you couldn’t help but chuckle loudly at her comment. “But seriously, men are idiots, and I’m sorry about your breakup. If you want, we should hangout sometime. I know some cool clubs downtown that play good music and have the best vibes. Or we can just stay in and watch movies, it doesn’t matter to me.”

A huge smile grew on your face. No one has spoken so kindly to you in a while, so to hear that made your heart feel warm. You placed a hand on Chae-Won’s shoulder and gave her a reassuring smile. “Thank you, Chae-Won. I really appreciate it. I’ll definitely take you up on that offer, but I honestly just want to hang out by myself tonight. It’s been a long week.”

“Of course. I was the same last week, and I’ll probably end up falling asleep at ten tonight because of how exhausted I am,” she joked, in which you laughed with her. “But I mean it, just text me anytime and we can work something out.”

“Absolutely, I will for sure. Have a good night,” you told your friend as you made your way to the door.

A bittersweet feeling sat with you as you walked out of the library. On one hand, you started thinking about your ex-boyfriend when you really didn’t want to. But at the same time, you had made a new friend, a friend who seemed really eager to spend time with you. The feeling stayed with you as you walked back to your apartment on-campus, stopping by the grocery store to pick up some dinner and your favorite snacks before heading in for the night. You were excited to have a self-care night, focused solely on yourself and resting after a long week of classes and exams. 

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Your night was going completely fine until you decided to redownload Instagram. You had come to realize that despite taking a long shower, doing your nails, and watching a movie, you were still bored out of your mind. Maybe it was because of how early in the night it was, or because you couldn’t stop thinking of Jisung and what he was doing right now. A mixture of both, probably. 

Quickly signing into your account, you became nervous as the screen started to load, getting ready to show you account. Immediately upon looking at your feed, your stomach instantly dropped. Not only was there a new post from Jisung, sporting a new haircut and outfit, but there was also a post on his story. You nervously clicked his icon, revealing a group photo of him and his friends at a party from a few months back, claiming he “wanted to show some love to his brothers.”

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at the picture, as you were the one to take that photo, and you weren’t particularly fond of what happened that night. Jisung insisted you come to this party, since you had been locking yourself in your apartment every night for the past two weeks. You kept telling him no, but he only had to say a few words about how pretty you were and how much he missed you for you to change your mind. Looking back, you hate how much of a pushover you were, wishing you had a backbone to tell him no, especially for a guy who didn’t give a damn about you.

The entire night, you clung to Jisung while he completely ignored you, smoking blunts while trying different alcohol drinks and focusing on his friends. They were chatting about something completely stupid, most likely the new video game they all started playing or how many girls they had fucked in the past few weeks. It left you bored and irritated out of your mind, and when Jisung asked you to take a picture of him and his friends, you took the photo and stormed off.

It was a faint memory now, as they all started to blend together because of how similar they were. Jisung would tell you how much he missed you and how pretty you were, you’d hang out, and he’d ignore you if he was with his friends or at a party. The same routine, God knows why you stayed with him all that time when he treated you like shit.

But you were reminded of the good times when you “accidentally” clicked on Jisung’s profile to see what he had been posting. You saw photos of him hanging out at different places in the city, some of which were taken by you. You also recalled taking numerous photos together, some selfies of him kissing you or your cheek, others of you two just being a happy couple. Those days were the best, as it was just you two doing whatever you wanted and having so much fun. 

That was one of the reasons why you stayed for so long, because of how sweet and caring Jisung could be. You held onto the hope that he would start treating you like that whenever you were with his friends or in more public spaces, but that never happened, no matter how hard you kept trying. 

You couldn’t help but feel a small tear roll down your cheek once you saw some photos of Jisung hanging out with some girls, letting them cling onto him at parties and really starting to notice how much he had changed since you two broke up. His hair was longer, his wardrobe had taken a turn (for the worse, if you were being completely honest), and he just appeared to be having more fun. Especially with the girls on his profile, as you noticed there had been other photos of them together at different parties. You wondered what he did at them, or if he got anxious when he left (since he always told you he was afraid of leaving places at night).

You shut off your phone and you couldn’t help but start crying. You hated how upset you were over this, how you bottled up your emotions and pretended that you were fine, but in reality you were just sad. Sad that you had to break up with the boy you really liked, one that you wanted to have a serious relationship with. You wanted it so badly, and for Jisung to fight for you just as much as you fought for him. But he didn’t, he honestly didn’t care about you that much. Not enough to make him stay.

What got to you the most was the fact that Jisung was posting photos of him hanging out with girls, when he never even posted one photo of you two together. Were you really that awful of a girlfriend? Sure, you had your fair share of flaws, as you were human and humans were not meant to be perfect, but you didn’t think you were that terrible. You were loyal to Jisung, never once did you come off as too clingy or annoying, and you respected his boundaries, never questioning who he was hanging out with in an accusing manner. So why did he treat you the way he treated you when you were together?

You couldn’t help but wonder… had Jisung been seeing other girls when you were together? No, he was not the best boyfriend in the world, that’s for damn sure. But he would never cheat, he constantly reassured you that he wasn’t seeing anyone else and that you were “the only one for him” (which was a total lie, but it was reassuring nonetheless). That was the only thing you believed and remained true throughout the course of your relationship. 

When you two started having sex, you wanted to make sure he was clean and did not have any STDs. You both got tested (per your request) and it was something you took very seriously. Jisung constantly reassured you that he did not have an STD and wasn’t seeing anyone else. And he was right; from the numerous times you had sex or done other sexual activities, you never once got an infection.

Sex with Jisung was one of the things you missed the most about your relationship. Not only because he was clean, but because of how good he made you feel. Always letting you come first, pleasuring you in the right places and not stopping until you were satisfied. There was a day where your roommate went home for the weekend and Jisung stayed over, to which you two had sex basically the entire night, trying out different positions and entangling yourself in each other's arms. You even had sex in the shower, which was a whole other playing field you desperately wanted to try again. And you did, on multiple occasions. 

You missed the way he made you feel, how he made your body feel. And now that he was most likely doing the same stuff you two did with other girls, you couldn’t help but feel a piece of your heart shatter. You hadn’t really processed the breakup until now, throwing yourself into schoolwork and pretending like everything was fine. Now that you were seeing things for how they actually were, you couldn’t help but start crying.

You could feel the tears falling down your cheeks slowly, coming out rapidly and for no way for you to stop them. You deleted Instagram as quickly as possible as you realized you could no longer stay on that godforsaken app without getting upset. You continued to let yourself cry it out, the bottled up emotions finally exploding and flooding from your mind. You laid in bed and just let yourself cry; it was the best thing you could do for yourself at that point.

Once you realized that crying wasn’t going to make you stop being sad, you decided to call your mother. You two were very close and always had been since childhood. You were just so busy with school and her with her job that it was hard for you guys to talk all the time. Normally you try to call each other once or twice a week, more if you both had the time. This week you hadn’t spoken much, just because of your schedules. You figured she would from work, as it was the evening and she always got out early on Fridays. Sniffling, you opened your phone and dialed her number, waiting anxiously for her to pick up.

It took a few rings before you heard your mother on the other line. “Hello?” She spoke in a normal tone.

“H-Hi Mom,” you cry quietly, trying not to break down right in front of her. “Do you have a minute to talk?”

“Oh of course, what’s going on?” She asked, immediately knowing something was wrong. Mother’s instinct, you guessed. “Why are you crying? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m not in danger or anything, but . . . do you remember Jisung? My ex boyfriend?” You ask, making yourself comfortable on your bed and hugging one of your Squishmallows.

“Ugh, yeah. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I don’t like him,” your mother answered, disgusted. You couldn’t help but laugh at her behavior, as you felt the exact same way about him. “Why? Has he done something to upset you?”

“No. Matter of fact, we haven’t spoken since I broke up with him. No I just, I was doing this group project for one of my classes and this guy Alex mentioned how Jisung was going to have this epic party tonight and . . . I don’t know. I logged onto Instagram just to see what he’s been up to and . . . he’s completely changed. He grew his hair long, and it looks like he’s trying out different lives with all the ‘cool’ photos he’s been posting at different places in the city. He even posted photos with some girls, and I guess it just hit me that we’re not together anymore. I’ve been holding it for weeks now and all the emotions are hitting me at once. So yeah, I’m just really sad. I’m sorry to bother you, I know it’s late and you’ve had a long day at work.”

“Do not apologize,” your mother reassured you. “You are completely fine. I’m your mom, I’m always here for you. Let me be the first to say that I think Jisung is a loser, okay? I never liked him, not since you told me about how terribly he treated you at that party and other times after that. In all seriousness, social media only shows one side of the story. I know you’ve heard this a million times, but it’s true. People only post the best parts of their lives to make it seem like they’re cool and interesting, when they really aren’t. Jisung is doing the exact same thing.”

“No, I know what you mean, and I agree with you. It just sucks because he’s posting photos I took of him and he wouldn’t even post a photo of us together, but has the audacity to post photos with two girls? It just makes me so upset. I know I was the one to dump him, but I did it because of how he treated me like garbage. He’d ignore me whenever we would hang out with his friends, get mad at me for being mad at him for being an asshole, and just gaslight me into thinking that he wasn’t treating me terribly, he was just ‘busy’ with school. I don’t know, it’s hitting me all at once and I don’t know what to do,” you vented, wiping the many tears that fell from your eyes with the sleeve of your shirt.

Silence filled between you as you cried, your mother soothing you over the phone by letting you cry. “Let it out, it’s okay. Just get everything off of your chest, I’m right here. You’re dealing with a lot, so just let it out.”

You continued to cry until what felt like forever, and you finally managed to take a deep breath and restart the conversation. “It hurts, and I don’t know why. I guess I still miss him, he’s changed and he didn’t have to. I miss how it used to be. I . . . I wish we could get back together. Start fresh, you know?”

“Of course. I get what you mean, I was the same with this boyfriend I had in high school. I wanted him back, he was a piece of shit, and eventually I got over it. Thank God, cause Ricky turned out to be a complete asshole. He’s also gotten really ugly,” your mother shared, to which you giggled at how she spoke about her ex. “I say all this to remind you that it’s normal to want him back. But Honey, it’s for the best. Jisung was not a good boyfriend to you. Every time you gave him attention and showed interest in him, he’d always blow you off or get annoyed. He wanted you less than you wanted him, you have to remember that.”

You nodded your head, realizing what your mother said was true. “You’re right, he did get uninterested and bored whenever I gave him attention and affection. And then he’d get mad and tell me that he missed me so much whenever I didn’t talk to him for a few days. Ugh, people like that are the absolute worst. You either want me or you don’t, you can’t have both.”

“Yes! Exactly!” Your mother agreed with you enthusiastically. “That’s how Jisung was with you. I mean, he basically faded away weeks before you broke up with him. I know you miss him, but it’s the idea of him that you miss and want back. Not actually him. This breakup is for the best, you’ll find someone who will treat you right and make you forget that Jisung even exists. I know it doesn’t help much, but trust me, it is true. And it will happen.”

“It does help. I’m so young, I have so much to look forward to and crying over a stupid boy is so pointless. Well, not pointless, but you know what I mean. I think I’m okay now, I’m just going to remind myself whenever I get sad that it’s for the best and it’s okay to feel the way I’m feeling. I just need to remember that Jisung is an asshole and I deserve better,” you told your mother, but mainly to yourself since you’re coaching yourself through your emotions. “Thank you for listening to me, Mommy. I appreciate it so much.”

“I’m your mom, Honey. I’m always here for you, no matter what. I’m glad you’re feeling better and that you’re actually processing your emotions. It’s not good to bottle them up, you know,” your mother reassured you. “Take it easy for the rest of the night, okay? Watch a movie, have some ice cream, read a book. I don’t know, whatever is going to help you relax. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

“For sure, I’m just so grateful for you and everything that you do for me. Thank you,” you thanked her. “I think I’m going to put on a movie and eat some ice cream. Should I watch When Harry Met Sally or 10 Things I Hate About You?”

“Ooh, they’re both so good. Um, I’d have to say When Harry Met Sally. Classic, can never go wrong with it,” your mother answered. “I gotta run, your father wants to watch a show before we go to bed. Call me if you need anything or if you still want to talk, okay?”

“Okay Mom, I will. Tell Dad I say hi and that I miss him! I love you, talk to you soon,” you answered.

“I will. I love you more, goodnight,” she spoke.

“Goodnight,” and with that, you both hung up the phone.

You took a deep breath before sighing. It felt good to get that off your chest, as it had been weighing on you for so long. You felt a bit better, a sense of clarity washing over you as you got organized for the movie you were about to watch. Of course, you were still upset about Jisung and a small part of you still wanted him back, but that was a natural part of a breakup. Of course you wanted him back, it had only been a few weeks since you broke up, so it was normal for you to miss him and want to get back together. You knew you would get over this eventually, you just needed time to let out your emotions and process them. 

You’d be the person you were before you dated Jisung and you started to look forward to finding yourself again. A small smile arose on your face as you turned on the television and got your movie ready, excited for a nice, relaxing weekend.

──────────────────────

The weekend was a relaxing time for you, a peaceful weekend you really needed. You finished that movie you told your mom you were going to watch (and it was amazing, as always) and then you decided to go to bed for the night. It wasn’t hard for you to sleep with all of your Squishmallows and stuffed animals surrounding you. You had a great night's sleep, to put it simply, and it prepared you for the nice weekend ahead.

You only had a little homework left to complete, just the slides for your project and a quick quiz to take (to which you got a one hundred percent, per usual). You did that fairly early in the day so you could have the rest of the day to do whatever you wanted. Rather than wallowing in your apartment all day, you decided to explore the city and go to different places you hadn’t been before. You had put on a cute outfit, one that made you feel confident and fashionable. You wanted that boost after how low you were feeling last night, and you hadn’t worn something cute in a while, so you figured this would be the perfect time to do so.

You traveled to different vintage shops and bookstores, looking for little trinkets to put in your room. Eventually you found some cool little plates and small, aesthetic photos to put on your wall and bookshelf. You even found a vintage vinyl record and a new book to read, so all in all, it was a successful day. You went to a new cafe you had been wanting to try for a while now, but hadn’t had the time because of school and . . . well, doing whatever Jisung wanted to do. 

You tried to block him out of your thoughts, especially since you wanted to heal from the breakup and move on with your life. And you were successful, for the most part. It was the little things that made you think of Jisung, such as wanting to tell him all about the new book you found or wanting to take him to the coffee shop and antique store you went to. But you quickly reminded yourself that the breakup was for the best, and that whenever you gave Jisung so much attention, he’d want you less and less. That helped you stop and reset your mind, and it worked for the majority of the day.

After your adventure, you decided to head home, get some good food from the campus dining hall, and watch another movie. You loved watching movies and rating them on your Letterboxd account, it was a hobby you found pleasurable. Being able to rate movies and see what others thought about it, especially the ones that left funny reviews. You tried to leave funny ones that you saw on Twitter and TikTok, but they were not nearly as great or creative as what other people wrote. Still, it was a fun thing to do.

You quickly placed your bags on your bookshelf and made your way to the dining hall. Though you lived on-campus, it was still a far walk because you lived on one side and the dining hall was on another, so you wanted to make sure you got there on time. And you certainly didn’t mind it on this gorgeous afternoon. It didn’t take you as long as you thought and you had plenty of time, but you wanted to make sure you weren’t being rude by showing up ten minutes before the dining hall closed. You just wanted to be courteous to the staff who worked long hours in the cafeteria.  

You noticed you had gotten a text from your mother, to which you pulled out your phone and tried to read what it said. However, you collided with someone, in which both of you stumbled backwards with a gasp. Luckily, neither of you had a drink in your hands, so no one’s clothes got stained with various liquids. That was always a plus. Nothing else fell, either, which was an honest relief. You could not afford to get your phone screen fixed nor could you buy a new one, so it was just a matter of running into someone while you weren’t looking.

“Sorry about that, I . . .” the voice trailed off, in which it belonged to Hwang Hyunjin, a friend of Jisung's who just so happened to be heading to the dining hall at the same time you were. He proceeded to say your name in a confused manner, surprised to see you out and about.

“Hyunjin? Hey, how are you? It’s been a while,” you asked with an enthusiastic smile. You always liked Hyunjin, as he was very nice and made you feel welcome within him and Jisung’s friend group. More than Jisung, if you were being honest. 

“I’ve been good, yeah just busy with school and studying. I’ve been trying to paint more when I have the time and it’s coming along really nicely,” he explained, which made you happy to hear. Even if you and Jisung were no longer together, you had a soft spot for his friends and wished them nothing but the best. “H-How have you been? None of us have heard from you in, like, weeks.”

A puzzled look arose on your face as you processed the question. Did Jisung not say anything? Why didn’t he tell his best friends that he and his girlfriend broke up? After all, all of you spend a good amount of weekends together, going out to dinner or hanging out at parties. Why wouldn't Jisung come clean? Unless he didn’t care to tell them and just assumed they would figure it out on their own, which hurt more than you thought it did, but maybe it was for the best. Let the boys think you turned into a mystery, it made you feel cool and interesting.

You took a deep breath before breaking the news to Hyunjin, wanting to prepare for the awkwardness that would come afterwards. “Uh, yeah. I got really busy with school and stuff, but um . . . Jisung and I aren’t together anymore. We broke up. That’s the main reason for why you all don’t see me around anymore.”

There was a pause, the Hwang boy taking in everything you told him. He looked shocked, to say the least, as he figured you were just busy with school and didn’t have the time to party. But he thought wrong and did not expect for you and Jisung to break up. He couldn’t help but let out a sigh. “Shit. I-I didn’t know,” he continued by mentioning your name in a serious and caring manner. “I’m sorry, that’s awful. Can I ask why? if it’s too much, you don't have to share—”

“No it’s okay, Hyunjin. Really, it’s fine. We just don’t have anything in common and I wanted to focus on school and finding an internship,” you admit. You couldn’t pretend it was for platonic reasons, as your relationship just ended and you could not fathom being Jisung’s friend right now. “So yeah, I ended things a few weeks ago. I’m doing okay, I just spent the day in the city and went to some really cool stores. You’d really like the antique shop I went to, they have a lot of paintings you would think are cool.”

Hyunjin nodded his head sympathetically. “That’s cool, I’ll definitely check it out when I have the time. I’m just busy between school and extracurriculars, it’s chaotic,” he commented. “But I’m sorry to hear that, you guys were cute together. Do you think you guys could ever be friends? We miss having you around and would love to keep hanging out with you.”

“If I’m being honest, I don’t think so. There’s just too much that happened and I’m not even sure if Jisung and I could even be friends given our history. And in general, too, since we’re complete opposites,” you sadly explained. It was true: you and Jisung were too different and you could not be his friend. If you couldn’t get along romantically, then how the hell were you two supposed to get along as friends? You’d rather play it safe and just not be friends with him. You wanted to be as far away as you could be from the Han boy, especially since you wanted to heal and prioritize yourself from now on.

You could tell Hyunjin was upset, since he liked hanging out with you and everyone else. It hurt your heart, but it was for the best. Who knows, maybe you could put this behind you one day and be friends with them again, Jisung included. But right now, it just hurt too much, and it would be better for your mental health if you kept your distance from Jisung and his friends. 

“I understand, you gotta put yourself first and do what’s best for you. I respect that,” Hyunjin explained. “But we’re always here for you if you change your mind. We can deal with Jisung, we can even kick him out of the house for the night and make him hang out with his other friends while you hang out with us. Only if you want though, it’s just an option in case you ever wanted to.”

You laughed at his idea. “Thank you, Hyunjin. I really appreciate it. You’re so kind, so sweet. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.”

“Of course. I always got your back,” he reassured you, adding your name to the end of his sentence to make sure you knew he meant what he said. “I have to run to the library before they close to print something. I’ll see you around?”

You nodded your head and started to make your way toward the dining hall. “Yeah, I’ll see you around. Bye, Hyunjin.”

He called out your name while he waved goodbye, and with that, you parted ways. You wanted to cry, the moment you shared was so sweet and it made you sad that you could no longer be friends with Hyunjin and the rest of Jisung’s friends. They were such a great group of guys, even when they were annoying, they always managed to make you laugh and include you in everything when you were all together. It was for the best, but you knew you were going to miss having a big group of friends who really cared about you.

It was almost as if a lightbulb had turned on in your head. You were sad about not being able to have friends, but you realized that your only friends were your boyfriend’s friends (you are an antisocial person who has had trouble making friends at your school). Meaning, you were sad about not having friends, but it was up to you now to go out of your comfort zone and start trying to make friends. Sure, people were probably settled in their friend groups by now, but you truly did not give a fuck. Surely there had to be people out there who were looking for friends too or simply did not stick to one friend group. You just had to put yourself out there and just find the right people.

It was going to be hard for sure, as you don’t make best friends five minutes into meeting them, but you were looking forward to the journey and who you would meet along the way. You decided to eat your dinner before making any action steps towards your plan because you were starving and had to get food before the dining hall closed. Once that was taken care of, you walked back to your apartment as quickly as possible.

You sat on your couch and decided to give Chae-Won a call. She had given you her number before you left the library on Friday, saying how you could reach out to her if you ever wanted to hang out. So, in honor of starting your journey to finding friends, you decided to act on it and dialed her number. It took a few rings before she answered, and you were nervous to talk to her, but ready nonetheless. “Hello? Who is this?”

“Hey, Chae-Won!” You greeted her and let her know your name. She excitedly said hello and was happy that you called. “Yeah, I am too! I was just wondering . . . are you going anything tonight?”

And from there on out, your world was about to shift on its axis for the better.

──────────────────────

Six months had passed since everything that happened, and you were in a much better place than before. A lot had happened in a short amount of time — some great things, the others mundane. It didn’t matter, because you were thriving. 

The phone call you shared with Chae-Won was what started it all, really. You had asked her if she wanted to hang out that night, and she was very happy that you asked her that. You ended up staying at her apartment for the night and had a blast, watching movies and drinking good drinks. You talked about what you both liked to do for fun and what other classes you were taking, and it turned out you two liked similar things. You loved watching movies and rating them on Letterboxd, you loved music, and you loved exploring the city. You both could tell from that night a special friendship had begun to blossom.

You continued to make friends through your classes while also prioritizing yourself and your mental health. You only did things you wanted to, knew when your social battery was draining and went home to recharge, and you started to journal to reflect on your life and try to better understand who you were. These methods have helped you greatly and continue to do so to this day. You have learned a lot about yourself and have grown in so many ways. You were proud of how far you had come, to say the least. 

In addition to Chae-Won becoming a very close friend of hers, you also met some friends outside of your major and in extracurriculars. It was a bit hard at first, as Chae-Won was your only friend and it was challenging to meet people when they already had their established friend groups. You were lonely, but making an active effort into meeting people. Eventually, your hard work paid off and you started meeting people like yourself. They had friends, but not a tight-knit friend group who did everything together. Turns out, the friends you were meeting were also friends with Chae-Won, and a little group formed between you four. 

You started doing small things, like going over to each other’s apartments to hang out and watch movies. As you started to become closer, you started to visit the cool clubs Chae-Won mentioned during your meeting for that group project (to which your group got an A, courtesy of you two working your asses off you make sure it was good) and other spots recommended from strangers you met on your outings. You always had a good time together, and even aside from them, you liked the girls and boys you befriended even outside of the friend group that you would occasionally do things with. 

Who knew that by actually leaving your bedroom and putting yourself out there would cause you to meet people and make friends! (Those were the exact words your mother used when you called her to tell her the news about meeting new friends and taking better care of yourself. You still laughed about that, even now, but your mother was absolutely right. When was she ever wrong)?

On top of learning about yourself and meeting new friends, you also acquired a summer internship in the city. You did some advertising work for a computer company, making sure their ads were effective and how to best get people to buy their products through the use of visuals. This was the reason why you were a marketing major and a psychology minor: to do work like this. It was the best of both worlds and you got to do something you loved, which was something you were very serious about. If you didn’t love the work that you did, then you would’ve been miserable and you simply could not have that.

Your new friends didn’t live too far from the city, so they came and visited you whenever they could on the weekends and you did whatever you wanted, since it was summer and there were no classes. The summer was perfect overall: you had a great job, you met amazing friends, and you were in a better place than you were in the winter. It was interesting to see how things became full circle, you honestly thought you would never see the day.

But even with this healing journey and getting to a better place, you couldn’t help but think about Jisung every so often. You didn’t miss him, no . . . did you? You couldn’t tell. You missed hanging out and being in a relationship with him, and he wasn’t the worst boyfriend on the planet, so it wasn’t like you were running back to a completely terrible situation. But then you remembered all the bad stuff that happened within it, and then you were torn. You were in a much better place mentally from when you first got together and broke up, so the idea of trying it again didn’t seem so terrible. You would only reconsider it if you were to run into him on campus and have an actual conversation. Perhaps that would give you the clarity you had been looking for. 

And that day surely came when you least expected it. It was around the third week of classes, and you were heading to one of your advertising classes when you heard someone call out your name. You looked up in confusion, as no one has ever yelled out your name like that before. Curiously, you tried to search for whoever said your name, which didn’t take you long because once you saw the figure of Han Jisung, with his long hair and interesting choice of clothes, you immediately knew it was him. 

Your legs and body froze as you watched him walk towards you. You did not know what to do — part of you wanted to blow him off and say you were running late to class, but the other side of you wanted to talk to him, to see how things were. You had no idea which choice was the right decision. You were scared you were going to immediately forgive him and forget everything that happened between you two, and you didn’t want that. At least, you didn’t think you did.

Your mind became filled with a tornado of thoughts once Jisung approached you. He had that signature smile he always gave you whenever he greeted you. Butterflies erupted in your stomach simultaneously, and it was almost as if you had forgotten how to speak.

“Hey, Sunshine,” he greeted. “It’s been a while, how are you? How was your summer?”

You stared at him for a brief moment before collecting yourself. You can do this, you said to yourself. Just talk to him how you would talk to your friends. “Jisung, hey! I’m . . . I’m doing well. Yeah, I stayed in the city to do an internship and it was great. H-How about you?”

“Oh it was great, I did some work for this tech company, mainly coding and shit. It wasn’t bad, but I’d much rather be listening to music and chilling, you know,” he explained nonchalantly. 

“Ah, yes. You always said music and relaxing were way more fun than studying and classes,” you commented, in which he laughed. You recalled many times when you would hang out with him on the quad after your classes while he skipped his and listened to some songs that you thought were just God-awful. You didn’t even know what genre they would be considered, that’s how bad it was.

“And I still believe it’s true. That and doing it with someone you like or are close with, those three things are what make it perfect,” Jisung laughed again. “Do anything fun over the summer?”

“Yeah, I hung out with some of my friends who live close to the city. They’re all in different majors, but they’re really nice. Other than that, I just went to visit home a few times,” you answered.

“That’s nice. How’s your mom doing?” He asked.

She thinks you’re a loser, you thought to yourself while you tried to hide your smile. You couldn’t help but think back to what she said all those months ago, and how she probably felt the same way today. You shook your head, “she’s doing great, I’ll tell her you say hi,” you reassured. “How was your summer?”

“Oh it was fine. Boring, but fun. Went to a few parties, smoked a lot and just had a good time with my friends from home. I missed the guys though, we only saw each other once. I’m glad we’re together again,” Jisung explained and you just nodded your head. 

You were happy his summer wasn’t terrible. Certainly you wouldn’t have wanted to have been together; him dragging you to parties and completely ignoring you while hanging out with his friends was the definition of hell for you. You were glad that he had his fun and you had yours.

There was an awkward silence between you, like there was something that wanted to be said but neither of you could say anything. You briefly glanced at your phone and saw that class was starting in ten minutes, and it was then that you decided to break the silence and speak. “I gotta get to class in ten minutes, it was nice running—”

“I miss you,” Jisung blurted out, which made your stomach drop. You could feel your chest tighten as you anticipated his next words. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot and I . . . I just miss you and being with you. I know we haven’t talked in, like, months, but I miss you. Do you want to get coffee this week and talk about this more?”

And there it was. This was what you were waiting for, now and when you two first broke up. You had hoped it wouldn’t, but it was inevitable at this point. You eventually had to talk about it. And you just stood there, staring at him and admiring his beauty. His hair was still long, hidden in a black beanie with a pair of headphones resting on his neck. Han Jisung was an attractive person, there was no denying that. 

He sounded genuine, with his words. He wanted to talk about your relationship and how to move forward, to get back together. He wanted to be with you. Your old self wouldn’t even give it a second thought and immediately say yes. She would have wanted this for you. But now, you weren’t sure.

You thought about the nights you spent crying over how he treated you at a party, or when he wouldn’t text you back but would post back-to-back on his Instagram and Snapchat stories. You thought about how every time you put so much energy into him and your relationship, he would give less back and would get annoyed. When you gave less, he claimed he missed you and wanted you to spend time with him. You never knew which Jisung you were going to get: the kind Jisung, who was the one who made you want to be his girlfriend in the first place. Or the asshole Jisung, who ignored you and got annoyed at you for simple actions. 

The whole relationship drained you. A constant battle of he’s such a great boyfriend, I love him or he’s the worst person ever and I can’t believe he’s treating me this way. Jisung seemed like he wanted things to be different this time around, with his serious face and tone of voice. But how do you know if it was sincere? Was he just saying it to get back together and then would repeat the same actions later on?

And when you thought about your relationship more, you realized there were some things you could stop pretending to like. Jisung’s music taste, for example. You always told him it was cool and unique, but you honestly hated it. Now that you weren’t together, you didn’t have to pretend to like his shitty music. And you also didn’t have to pretend that you liked going to parties with him, while he ignored you the entire night and focused on his friends doing the stupidest things ever. You realized you didn’t have to pretend to like things for the sake of making other people happy. 

And man, was that feeling life changing.

You couldn’t help but think about the good parts of your relationship, too. Your hangouts in the city, in your bedroom’s, watching movies and having sex whenever you could. They were all great memories most definitely, but memories that were not worth getting back together for the sake of being together.

The healing journey you went on (and were still currently on) made you into a better person. You turned into a shrouded mystery, completely reinventing yourself and changing your outlook on everything. You became unrecognizable, similar to how you were before you met Jisung. Turning into a shrouded mystery and going through that painful start of your journey was the only way back to your dignity. And that was simply something you could not afford to lose again, you couldn't risk losing all of that hard work you did.

You took a deep breath in before giving Jisung your answer. “Jisung, I . . . I can’t. We . . . the way you treated me was just awful. I really let you walk all over me and I am not going to do that again. I know you’ve probably changed and won’t do it again, but I just can’t. The breakup sucked and it took me a long time to get to where I am now, and I can’t destroy the progress I’ve made. I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s a good idea if we get back together.”

You watched Jisung’s face fall as you explained your answer. You hated hurting people, but you had to do it for yourself. “I completely understand. I’m really sorry for how I treated you, I am. I feel terrible for the way I acted and how I made you go out when you didn’t want to. I don’t know what I was thinking, but you deserve a lot better than me. And I will forever be upset over how I treated you and let an awesome girl go.”

His apology warmed your heart a bit; it was good to have an actual apology for how awful you had been treated, it healed a small part of your heart. “Thank you, Jisung,” you thanked him quietly. “I’ll always be thankful for you and our relationship. You taught me a lot and it honestly helped me go out of my comfort zone. If it weren’t for you or our break up, I wouldn’t have changed and be the person I am today. So thank you for that, truly.”

A sad laugh escaped his lips. “Glad I was actually able to give you something great,” he spoke quietly, in which his words made you smile slightly. “Do you think we could be friends?”

You hesitated to answer at first, but you eventually found the right words to say. “Um, not right now, no. I think I just need to focus on myself and figure out what the hell I’m doing with life and everything. Being friends could turn into something else that I do not have time to worry about nor do I want to worry about. Plus, I am just really busy with school and homework, so I wouldn’t be able to hang out much,” you explained. “It’s not entirely out of the picture, though. Once I’m in a better place with myself, I don’t see why not. You’re a kind and funny person, Han Jisung. I want those kinds of people as my friends.”

Jisung nodded his head. “Yeah, I understand. Take as long as you need. It doesn’t matter if you decide by seventy-five that you are ready to be friends, I will gladly welcome you with open arms. That is, if I’m not in a nursing home by then. We’ll figure it out once we live next door to each other and have to figure out how to convince the nurses to give us better cafeteria food.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at his comment. Aside from your relationship drama, Jisung was a good guy who knew how to make people laugh and was very sincere. You were glad you were able to talk to him like this, even if it was for the last time, and leave things on a positive note. You looked down at your watch and saw that you only had five minutes until you had to get to class. “Listen, I really have to make it to this class, this professor is very strict on locking the doors right when the class starts. I’m happy we were able to talk, Jisung. I am glad you are doing well and thank you for . . . this. I don’t know how to describe it.”

“No worries, I get what you mean. I’m happy that you’re doing well, too,” he said. “I’ll see you around, Sunshine.”

And with that, Jisung turned around and made his way to another building on campus. You made your way into your classroom building and wandered the halls until you entered class and took your seat. Sitting down forced you to reflect on your conversation with Jisung, and how you were able to get the closure you needed.

You had been waffling earlier if you two should get back together now that you were in a good place. You could set necessary boundaries now that you were a more confident person. However, you decided against it and told Jisung that you did not want to get back together with him. From what he told you and your own realizations, you realized you would be better off staying single and focusing on yourself and your studies for a little while. 

And with that came a happy feeling within your mind and body. You made the right decision, a decision that was going to best benefit you in the long run. A sense of peace had washed over you, and you couldn’t help but smile as you opened your textbook and began to take notes on your lecture, knowing that everything was going to be okay no matter what happened to you in the years to come. 

So I've been having thoughts about Izzy Hands.

But first, a disclaimer: this is meant to be an insight into my thought process. I know that I'm not always the best at examining media from a fully detached, critical perspective (but are any of us, really). I'm taking what I would see as a fairly neutral standpoint, trying to see and understand both sides of the coin. I'm not tagging this as hate, because it isn't intended to be, but if you think I should add any further warnings, please do let me know. Also, if you want to share your opinions, in the comments, tags, reblogs or in messages/asks to me, please do, but any straight-up hate comments (towards other users) will be deleted and I will block you.

Now, a small essay.

Honestly, when I initially watched the show, I didn't like Izzy, and when I came on here and saw people defending his character, I was confused, but y'all have some good points. I might have been somewhat convinced.

Here's the thing: Izzy is not a good character. None of the characters are. They're pirates for christ's sake. They have to be bad/selfish people to survive. Stede is very unique in his generosity towards the crew and, many times, he nearly pays very dearly for that. Obviously Izzy is uneasy with this new guy coming in and assuming half of the control of the ship (also essentially demoting him). Yes, he wants power, but that isn't a trait unique to him, and it's probably not unreasonable given the amount of shit he's probably been through at Ed's side (how many jobs have been "outsourced" to him, I wonder). It's reasonable that he's pissed that he's been overlooked and it's very reasonable that he's wary of Stede, someone who (at least in his outward appearance) represents the British aristocracy, a force that was almost definitely hugely oppressive in his, and many other pirates' lives (you don't become a pirate if you already have all the wealth you need, Stede is very much an outlier in this case).

Secondly, Izzy doesn't necessarily see much (if any) of Stede and Ed's emotional bonding. He doesn't learn (as Ed does) that Stede can be trusted and (given Ed's reckless behaviour), doesn't immediately trust his judgement on Stede and immediately trust him. Not to mention that, to the best of his knowledge, Ed is simply failing to meet the goal that he set (killing Stede) and just seems to be procrastinating the whole thing. You could even go as far as to say that Izzy fundamentally believes that Stede needs to be killed (he is, after all, a rival captain) and is trying to protect Ed from the pain of getting to know him and love him then having to kill him.

There's also the element of Izzy's (potential, I can't remember any solid evidence of this, but my memory is unreliable at best, so please correct me) past relationship with Ed. He potentially still has feelings for Ed and here comes this new guy who, again, represents everything they've worked against, coming in and taking Ed from him, changing him into someone wholly unfamiliar.

But there is another side to this story. I think, definitely as the viewers, we're encouraged to get invested in Ed and Stede's romance from the beginning. We see them grow closer and learn to trust each other and Izzy gets in the way of them achieving this goal. It's natural, as consumers of media, to get frustrated about this and to dislike the "obstacle". We also see how Ed grows and changes as a person, becoming happier and generally more content in his life. To us, it can seem that Izzy is trying to get in the way of this for his own personal gain and, to be fair, there's very little chance that Izzy doesn't know what he's doing to some extent.

And, building on my earlier point about Stede representing the aristocracy, it does not help Izzy's case that he turns to the British navy for help.

Ultimately, everyone on this show is at least a little bit fucked up and morals are completely out of the window. It's all just emotions and shit, so watch your emotions as you respond to media and please don't harass others.

I'm still not too sure why people hold such strong opinions on this, but I guess I did just write multiple paragraphs on it.

Again, please do respond. I want to talk to people.

[to the tune of Tom Cardy's Big Breakfast]

I don't regret ordering the BIG BATH TUB I know I'll feel so good when I'm... INSIDE THE BIG BATH TUB

OKAY SO if you've read anything I've ever written you might be aware that I have a deep and abiding love of a Big Bathtub. Tragically, this was something I did not have access to in my personal life, as the house we bought had a baby tub for babies who don't like baths. Seriously, this thing was 15" tall on the outside and maybe had 12" of soaking depth if you were lucky. I still took baths, but I complained about it the whole time.

No more.

Now I have Big Bathtub!!!! Look at it! LOOK AT IT!!! I can get my boobs AND my knees underwater at the same time! I'm gonna be making cauldrons of lady soup in there! My 6'1" wife is gonna be able to take baths and be comfortable!

If you can't find me, look for me in the Big Bathtub.

(Don't look for me.)

"Scarlett!" I hear you (a rhetorical device) saying, "I love that for you, but I am also jealous! How do I get a Big Bathtub of my very own?"

Well, my friend, if there's one thing I love more than Big Bathtub, it is oversharing about home improvement projects.

SPECIFIC MONEY TALK TO FOLLOW

Given how absolutely fucking impossible it is to find any guidance online about how much this shit costs when you're just starting the research, I'll start here: This cost us $11,466.16 and took two days to install. We live in a very high COL area, and from what other research I did and estimates we got, $10-12k was about what we could expect to pay for a new bathtub and shower surround that wasn't The Same Fiberglass Shit We Already Had, AND we would have had to bring in multiple contractors.

Some necessary background: My wife and I bought our house about eleven years ago, when house prices in Seattle were at a historic low. My mom gifted us money for the down payment, which was a huge privilege, but if she gifted us the same amount of money now it would buy us precisely jack and shit. We have the stability we have due to a rare combination of privilege and luck, and I am grateful for it literally every day.

The incredibly low price we bought this house at also allowed us to manage to stay afloat through our last seven-ish years of chronic under-employment. I won't get deeply into the details, but we spent a lot of time in a place where buying myself a package of nice butter was a luxury I had to plan for. A little over a year ago my wife got a really good job (after a year of unemployment) and this summer I got a much-overdue promotion at my day job and a significant raise! Between those two things, we've finally been in a place where we can save money for house projects instead of going into debt for them, which still seems like a fucking miracle! It hasn't gotten old yet! I don't know if it ever will!

Flush on that success, earlier this this fall I got quotes for an addition on the house (something we've wanted almost since we moved in, since it's 800 square feet and has just the one tiny bathroom) and learned it would cost AT LEAST 150% MORE than we paid for this house in the first place!!! Like we could buy a whole-ass house in a cheaper area for the cost of adding on to this one! HAHAHAHA NO!! 😭😬

After a couple days of crushing disappointment I decided this meant we could pursue smaller improvements to make the house we have into a house we love, and first on the list was Big Bathtub!

Being generally handy people (ask about the shed my wife built sometime) we looked at buying a nice tub at a showroom and having a plumber install it, but plumbers don't install shower surrounds. Okay, so we figured we could probably install a shower surround? And my dad (a retired general contractor) could help? But this isn't a kitchen counter, this is a bathroom, and in this house we don't fuck with stuff that need waterproofing. We decided we wanted someone who could handle the whole thing, so I requested quotes from remodel contractors but they all told me my project was too small!

Enter Bath Planet. They're a one-stop shop that does custom full bath surround installs with a ton of options. The sales guy who did the estimate had color and material samples with him and dug through all the options to get me the deepest bathtub possible. This sucker's 22" tall! The cost included wrapping the entire window so the sill would be waterproof! If there was damage to the subfloor, they'd repair it before installing the tub at no additional cost! The warranty is really good!

(Oh man I've become such an adult.)

Not gonna lie, the quoted price was 😬😬😬 when he was done, but we couldn't argue with the quality or convenience and we were looking at a cost of close to $7k if we bought a big tub, had a plumber installed it, and then DIYed the surround (with no guarantees about how long that would make our only bathroom unusable!) so we bit the bullet and put down a deposit.

In related news, my wife and I are giving each other very few presents this Christmas, since the tub was our main gift 😂 Our savings are... Very depleted right now, so we're gonna have to hunker down for a few months to rebuild before we can think about any other house projects or expensive fun stuff, but what we lack in money, we make up for in bathtub!

As far as the timeline went, we got the initial quote on 9/20, put down our deposit that day, and then the install happened over 12/6 and 12/7. The installer was great, the work happened exactly as it was supposed to, and now we have BIG BATHTUB.

This was a wall of text, I know! If anyone has questions I didn't answer here, though, I'm happy to answer them. It's so rough trying to find home reno information out on the wide internet, and contractor websites are worse than useless for the purpose.

Meanwhile, I will be in the Big Bathtub.

How much do you want your own unique personality to come through in the art that you make? How much do you want people to separate your art from the artist?

Can anyone separate the art from the artist? And if so, when?

Take J. K. Rowling -- fucking cunt. Absolute shithead. Singlehandedly lit on fire all goodwill and went right to goose-stepping. Regardless of how intrinsically linked Harry Potter was to my childhood and adolescence (and to me creating online! Literally!) like...her as a human being actively championing destruction of trans rights not just sours the media for me, it makes it radioactive to me. It cannot be separated. She is shit and as such her art reeks of it.

...but then again she has literally stated that support of her art is support of her views (she's already made her money anyway) so is it her attitude? Would it be different if she was a shit human being who didn't actively link artistic support to moral support? Is attitude all that makes it separable? Would it be different if she didn't profit (and at this point again she's made her money -- it's about the same as if she were dead and not making money, you know? Drop in a bucket.) Would it be separable then? Would I be just as hard pressed to separate her the artist from her art if she were Joanne, just Joanne, self publishing and writing blog posts and making a wee side hustle?

(Would I be just as hard pressed to separate art and artist if her views and shitfuckery didn't directly impact me, a filthy little transsexual?)

Not to get all philosophical. I just tend to sometimes ask myself this. Hell, listening to Marilyn Manson's been kinda hard to do post the latest accusations -- yet I can listen to some of the earlier stuff that really just SLAPS -- and is it because besides Pale Emperor, most of the albums past Holywood bar some songs just don't do it for me? Is it because it's hard to reconcile the artist whose art meant a lot to a weirdo like me and who became the face of a witch hunt because of his art (which means a lot to an artist like me) WITH the person who allegedly was basically telling on himself with his art? Is it a sense of personal betrayal (its own bit of parasocial relationship) that causes the separation?

And of course this is all with the assumption of separating art from artist purely as a "this guy sucks ass but I like what they make, how do I cope" POV but obviously there is the general idea of Death of the Author which your question seems more geared on: how much of my corpse should influence, if at all, a reader's reading of my corpus?

So back to your question -- some of my art (think diary comics for example as they're autobiographical) you really could not separate from me the artist. You couldn't. It's impossible given the nature of autobiographical works. Who I am, who I was, what my intent is -- very much intertwined there. At the same time, there is the room and space to separate out the autobiographical art as a pinpoint in time for the artist from the artist as a living being, ever changing in spacetime.

Most of my work...you could, I think, separate art from the artist. I'd encourage it in the sense that like...it'd be foolish to read into many of my comics or illustrations and think they are 1:1 expressions of me, my feelings, my experiences, etc. I think of it like the speaker of a poem vs the poet -- this is like basic English Lit class concepts, right? The speaker is not the poet. The artist is not the character. It'd be actually dangerous (and stupid) to scour my works, my illustrations, my writing, and try to make assumptions on me; I also think it'd be rather punishing for all involved to desperately need a listing of my pedigree, my biography, the minutiae of my intent to be able to interpret my works. They can stand pretty OK on their own; their neck muscles are firm enough to hold their head upright.

But...at the same time... my person informs my work. My intent informs my work (whether I succeed or fail at what I intend is another matter.) The works did not form fully grown from the ether onto your computer screen. They came from a person, me, about whom you (general you -- you specifically Idal know a bit more about me by virtue of our friendship) know some tidbits of information I've given here and there. These things inform it all. Those bits of information may be relevant in your interpretation; they may not be.

That's all intent however. In terms of my personality coming through: I think all artists' personalities come through in a work. Something of it. Maybe it's the character they play -- but even that is telling. There are people who write my characters better than I, and with their writing they leave a part of their personality in the words; likewise, there are people who draw my characters better than I and leave part of themselves in the linework. Those works imbue a part of their creators in them, even if my work (with part of me in it) provided the dolls to play house.

Turmoils of you- Part 3

(I meant to post it earlier but had a really bad migraine and viral fever)

Episode 10 references⚠️

Warning: Disobedient MC and rough Jake *snickers* Sorry, had to repost it again TuT

"You've got to be fucking kidding me!" is what I get to hear once I'm out of the shower. Jake turns to me, pauses for a while, his eyes going over me for a minute or so as he takes me in, before getting to the matter at hand. "Uh, I've made a plan to get Hannah and Richy out but I need to know if you're up for what I'm about to ask you for."

Do I see worry? Sure do. If this has him worried, it's got to be something big. "Sure Jake, go ahead", I respond cooly, trying to mask my shrieky voice.

"Well, as you know, I've stayed here for a some time already", he starts, "there is a high chance that my pursuers might show up in..., let's say the coming few days. But then that's just a hopeful assumption. They may visit me in the coming hours as well."

He pauses for a while and stressfully rubs his hand on his forehead. I begin to say something but he beats me to it. "I wouldn't have taken a risk this big had it not been for Hannah", he trails off.

I move upto him and take his hands in mine, giving him a reassuring smile. His eyes go wide for just a moment and he returns a smile. "And none of this will go in vain. We will get Hannah back, Jake. I know we will."

"Yes", he affirms, then pauses for a moment. "Okay so whatever I'm about to tell you right now, you will listen to it, without interrupting me. Is that clear?", he asks, indicating that whatever I'm going to hear isn't going to be fine by me but I decide to give him the benefit of doubt and nod.

"Like I said earlier, I won't let you anywhere near that sick bastard so, you won't be coming in the mines", he declares.

"No. No. No. No. Did I mention, no!", I say, giving a brief pause between every 'no'.

"What did I say? Listen to me first", he orders me, which of course weakens my traitor body. I need to get my shit together!

"I want you to do something more important", he curtly tells me.

If this is his way to pull me away from danger and make him the target, it ain't happening. "Jake, if you want me to sit back and watch you risk your life, I'm not doing that."

"Instead, you are going to keep a track of my pursuers and inform me about it when I'm in the mine", he declares.

"Huh? How will I tell you that when I won't be in that stupid mine in the first place?", I ask him, fiddling with the skin on my thumb.

"You won't be IN the mine but I can't keep you in here with no protection so you'll be around that area. Aside from that we need to discuss evacuation plans as well", he mumbles the last part, getting busy by the details.

"Then lets do it. I don't think we have much time anyways", I say as I stand up.

"Let me arrange everything. Till then, here's your phone. Your friends are worried. Try to talk down things", he suggests and passes me my phone.

I read through whatever has happened till now. Jake handled the situation pretty well, especially when Thomas started insisting on going to the Grimrock on his own. Gotta say, that man has some real dedication for love.

MC: Sorry guys, I went missing in action for a while MC: Especially during the time when you all needed me MC: But trust me, we're going to get Hannah, super soon MC: Please have some faith on me, one last time.

I quickly type it all in the group chat before moving onto Michael's messages. Fuck. I had completely forgotten about keeping him on wait. The fact that Dan has shot him and he is injured puts him in a vulnerable state mentally, making him prone to make hasty decisions. Plus, it's already been 2 hours since I messaged him. I just hope he hasn't done something stupid. Again.

Unknown: I have been waiting for you

Unknown: You are going to regret this

UNKNOWN IS OFFLINE

"It doesn't matter anymore. His hiding place has been exposed so, don't worry about this", Jake reassures me as he peeps in my phone, suddenly coming from behind.

"Thanks Jake. Um, you were quick. Are you done with whatever you had to do?", I blabber as I get nervous from the close proximity of our faces.

"Mhmm", I blush as he stares at my lips. As soon as we're done with this, I'm literally a goner, the one who'll actually be at HIS mercy. Provided he doesn't pull an 'It's too dangerous for us to be together' or 'You deserve a life which I can't give'. And to be frank? This is pretty likely to happen too.

I notice him going to his desk, picking up a black box like thing with a few buttons on it.

"Is this a walkie talkie? You know like the ones policemen use?", I ask him out of bewilderment and curiosity.

"Hmm, close but no. This device here produces low frequency waves, since only they can penetrate rocks and enable communication", Jake begins explaining the whole mechanism, "Ah, I'm sorry, I went in too much details."

"Never mind that, it isn't like I'm completely clueless", I reply to him, secretly loving it when he talks nerdy to me.

"But Jake, how did you get a hold of this?", I ask him in curiosity.

He smirks at me and then says, "I made it."

"For real?", I exclaim at his proficiency. I didn't expect a hacker to know how to build devices too but then, he's not just any hacker, he's the best one out there, so it makes sense.

He continues, "So, I make it underground via the Terrandale entrance. Just before I do, you will click this button here", he indicates a red button on his laptop screen. "This will make all cameras go blank for 10 minutes, infecting his system completely."

"Just 10 minutes? No way in hell will you make to Hannah and Richy in 10 minutes!", I imply in bewilderment.

"I'll still have the element of surprise. As long as he thinks he's alone in the mine, my job becomes easy", he explains. "After that, there's this tracker here which will help you with my pursuers. If they get within 10 kms range, the device will alert you like it did when they tried to hack into your phone."

"But what after that, after, let's say, they do get here?"

"Once it starts beeping, you signal me via this device which I have given you. It will alert me when that happens", he pauses to show me how both devices start beeping. "As soon as you are done alerting me, you will get in the vehicle in which we went to the mines and leave for Colville. Do not wait for me and never get back to this place. Every nook and corner here will be compromised by then."

"I will not leave you in the mine and evacuate, Jake. No way in hell am I doing that. We go in and get out. Together", I declare.

"Please listen to me, baby. If they get their hands on you, they are going to use you to lure me. Don't think that they will abstain from using force or any other means of brutality to get out information about me from you. They are willing to go to any lengths, so when I say leave, we leave. Don't worry, I'll join you in Colville. I promise I will."

I do not say anything and get to packing up my stuff. I grab my bag pack which rests along the wall and look towards Jake, so as to know when will we get going.

"You do trust me, don't you?", he asks me, intently waiting for a response.

"I don't know, Jake. Do I?", I shoot back at him only to find him staring at me so intensely that had I not known him, I'd have run for the hills. He gets close to me with a dark look and whispers "I had you unconscious for 1 whole hour, love. If I wanted to do something, I would have, wouldn't I?" and smirks at me.

I move to wipe that smirk off his face with a slap, but he grips my wrist before I could and pins me to the wall. "Nuh uh. I wouldn't slap a guy I met a few hours ago and was powerless against if I were you."

"But now that I do dare, what are you going to do about it, Jake?" I challenge him, matching the dark look in his eyes.

He tightens his hold on my wrists and puts his mouth right in front of me, our noses touching and lips barely apart. "Say that again", he says to me, trying to suppress my rebel attitude.

"Why? Can't get it the first time?", I sneer.

He presses his lips on mine, asserting his dominance over me. Not so soon honey. I knee him in his crotch, not that hard though, but enough to make him back down from me. He hisses in pain, surprised by the sudden attack. I move past him, taking my belongings with me. I find one of his hoodies on the chair and put it on myself and then looking at him, asking nonchalantly, "So are we going or not? We have hostages to save who don't have all day for your shitty attitude, you know."

He straightens up and impressively laughs at me. "You did pique my interest. You indeed did." I give him a toothy grin to hide my annoyance at not getting a response I wished for.

He then grabs his own bag and a set of keys, possibly his vehicle's. Opening the door gently, he moves outside but motions me to stay put as he goes out to check the surroundings, analysing every little detail. When he's sure there isn't anything, he asks me to follow him and leads us to a black XUV concealed behind the bushes.

Suddenly, right in the middle of our path to the car, a bush starts shaking and alerts us, making my heart almost pound outside my body. I look at Jake who is around 20 steps behind me and signals me to crouch my way to the car. I do as he says, and slowly make my way to the car, not daring to stand up when my knees give up or either look back at him to know he's following me until I don't make it there.

As soon as I reach at the foot of the car, I turn around just to find Jake taking cover behind tree, aiming a handgun towards the bush. He showers a rain of bullets at the bush, each shot making me finch. When he notices no movement for a couple of minutes, he takes off towards the car.

A black shadow emerging from the bushes pounces on his back, making him fall on the ground and not letting him get back up. I desperately try to make out what is happening, squinting at the scene but the fact that both the figures are dressed black, that too in the night theme, doesn't make it any easier for me.

The panic from whatever is happening makes the person I most dread appear. She wraps her arms around my shoulder and slowly breathes in my ear, her fingers trailing from my elbows to the tip of my fingers. "What will you do MC?" she asks me, making my skin crawl.

Well, that's an excellent question. So, what am I going to do?

PART-4

Since you said they’re fun to write I am here to beg more nanteo smut from you… 2C for the m/f gif prompts bc the white converse immediately made me think of Nancy’s 3x17 bedroom fit

this ran away from me and will probably get posted as its own thing on ao3 ngl fjdjdjgks. oops. i'm glad you're liking the nanteo smut!! they're honestly my favorite to write right now.

Nancy and Mateo were meant to be getting lunch with the others, but a misread text meant they showed up earlier than they should've. Instead of waiting in the car, they decided to look around and ended up finding a nice storage closet to sneak into.

"Shit, dude, I can't believe we're doing this here," Nancy hisses at Mateo, fingers twisting in his hair as he kneels between her legs.

Mateo looks up at her with a grin that shouldn't be as adorable as it is, not while he's actively flipping up her skirt and pulling her panties down. He slips them all the way off and considers them for a moment before tucking them into his pocket. "It'll be fine! You just have to stay quiet."

He says it like a challenge, and Nancy has never been someone to back down from one. She tugs on his hair and he whines, leaning into the touch. "You have to be quiet too," she reminds him. "Even with your mouth full, you can be loud, baby."

Mateo rolls his eyes, but Nancy catches the blush that spreads across his cheeks. He grabs the back of her thighs and lifts her onto the shelf behind her, then spreads her legs as he dives in like a man starving.

Nancy gasps, her back arching as Mateo licks between her folds. She slaps a hand over her mouth, muffling her whine as he gets her nice and wet, licking broad stripes over her cunt before fucking his tongue into her.

She can't help but grind against his face as he gets her wet enough to slip his finger in alongside his tongue, followed soon by a second finger. Fucking his fingers into her at a lazy pace that has her groaning, he moves up to take her clit into his mouth and sucks hard.

Mateo moans around her as Nancy pulls on his hair again, and the vibrations from it have her toes curling as she urges him closer for more. He pulls away for a quick breather and fuck, his face is already so messy, shiny and wet with her slick. Mateo licks his lips and groans, eyes slipping shut as he savors the taste of her.

"Come on!" Nancy whines, closing her legs around his head and pulling him back in. "You have to be quick if you want me to suck you off before everyone gets here."

He curls his fingers and goes back to sucking on her clit, flicking his tongue against her as he works to make her come faster at the promise of his own orgasm.

Nancy trembles as Mateo finds her g-spot, fucking her and rubbing it relentlessly until she's whining as she comes. Her legs tighten around his head, squeezing him and keeping him against her as she rides out the aftershocks, shivering as Mateo gently licks around his fingers.

She only lets him go when it becomes too much, pushing him away after he sucks on her clit one last time.

"Fuck." Nancy pants, legs shaking as she struggles to get her breathing back under control. Mateo stands up and, from her seat on the shelf, she has to look up at him now. "You have a little—" she waves a hand around her mouth, eyeing the mess on his face.

Mateo blushes and wipes off the slick on his face, a mess of spit and come from eating her out so enthusiastically. "Did I get it all?"

Before Nancy can look and make sure for him, there's a loud banging on the door that makes them both jump.

"If you two lovebirds are done, we're ready to eat." Marjan's voice carries through the door.

Mateo cracks open the door, and Nancy leans over him to peek outside at her. She has her arms crossed, and her brows raise as she looks at the state they're in.

"Even if it looks like one of you has already eaten. You missed a spot." Marjan gestures to the left side of her chin and Mateo ducks back inside the closet to wipe it off. "We got a table outside, so you two can cool off with the breeze."

Nancy is pretty sure she hasn't blushed this bad in years. "Got it. Thanks." She gives Marjan a thumbs up and slams the door shut, trying to ignore her friend's loud cackles as she walks away.

"I can't believe we got caught," Nancy groans, slumping against the door. She turns around and Mateo is pouting, grinding the heel of his hand against his dick as it strains in his jeans.

"I can't believe I didn't get to get off," he grumbles. He glances at the door and then looks back at Nancy. "You think they'll care if we take another five, ten minutes?"

"Dude."

kagehina + holding hands (hc/drabble)🫐🌻

some days, kageyama is grateful that he met hinata at the start of high school. not only was he the perfect partner on court, but he was a great friend off-court too. sure, he’d never admit that... but it was true. hinata may be as dumb as him when it came to school, but their little competitions pushed him to study more until both their grades improved (slightly). additionally, hinata’s friendliness made up for kageyama’s lack of social skills. before hinata, kageyama was sure he’d have to fight to the top on his own. it’s not like oikawa helped him with his serve, anyway. since meeting hinata, kageyama has been able to get help and practice with other really good players because hinata befriended them. anywhere hinata went, kageyama tended to follow. all in all, kageyama was glad to have a partner (in volleyball) like him.

then… were days like these, where he would rethink his choice in having hinata as a partner. hinata was like an over-excited puppy. clueless, hyperactive, small and fast. this meant that him and crowds don’t do well at all. once, they went to the mall to buy new knee pads and kageyama spent an hour trying to find the small boy that wouldn’t answer his phone. when he found hinata, he explained that a family walked infront of him and he lost kageyama. while trying to find him, he ended up on the opposite side of the mall. after that, he noticed how often hinata got lost when they were in crowds. kageyama didn’t think much of that day, or the other few instances until today.

they had a pretty important match in less than 15 minutes. kageyama noticed hinata was missing 30 minutes earlier and the whole team tried to find or contact him. unfortunately, kageyama had his bag (and his phone) and there were multiple sport events happening in the stadium they were in so the place was flooded with people. what made matters worse, hinata did not know which court they were supposed to be in.

daichi was too busy trying to calm a frantic and worried suga who seemed more worried about his kouhai getting “completely trampled by the big men from the football game” and how hinata was “too small and precious to die” to notice kageyama make his way out of the court again to look for hinata. they had a new freak quick to try and he can’t do it when the other half of their duo was dead missing.

kageyama knew the whole team already combed through the first floor of the stadium, so he tried his luck with going up to the second floor. the second floor was filled with those adult football players that suga was so scared of and kageyama could see why. they were huge. jacked. could probably crush his head with their thumbs-

“excuse me?” one of the scary football men approached him from behind. kageyama’s face paled slightly but he turned around to face the man. ‘holy shit. jacked.’ he thought to himself.

“yes?”

“are you looking for one of your teammates? same jersey, orange hair and kinda short?”

‘kinda short, he says. of course, this guy’s huge. those muscles-’ kageyama couldn’t stop his internal thoughts. “yes. we have a match in a few minutes.”

“ah, he’s in the bathroom down the hall. he ran in and puked into the toilet. we tried to ask him if he needed help but I think we scared him even more because he went in for round two.”

‘sounds like my dumbass’ “yeah, that sounds like him. thank you very much!”

“good luck. and good luck with your game! which court are you guys using?”

“court 4-B.”

“volleyball match, huh. my son also plays volleyball. that’s close to the staircase. maybe I’ll pop by before my match. see you.”

the hunk of a man guy walked away and kageyama had to collect himself for a second before dashing to the bathroom, trying very hard to not think of the football man watching his game. once he got to the bathroom, he immediately saw hinata’s signature orange hair and grabbed it. both boys yelled and called each other a dumbass but hinata admitted defeat rather quickly since kageyama had a good reason to be upset.

“what happened to you this time?!”

“some huge dudes walked infront of me and I assumed you guys were infront of them so I followed them up here! i don’t know! i have short legs, you guys walk too fast! how was i not supposed to get lost?!”

kageyama was about to argue back when he caught a glimpse of the time on hinata’s watch. ‘shit.’ the match was starting in 3 minutes. he muttered something about daichi killing them under his breath and grabbed hinata’s hand before speeding out of the bathroom. he was swerving through the other athletics, avoiding any collision. meanwhile, he could hear hinata apologising behind him every 3 seconds.

by the time they made it back to the gym, it was a minute to the start of the game. kageyama knew he was in a lot of trouble from daichi when he saw how disheveled suga was. when the whole team saw them, they held various expressions of relief and anger. suga jumped up from the ground to check hinata over, asking him if any of those big, scary men hurt him.

“im okay, suga-san! i promise, i can play!”

“are you sure, hinata?”

“yes!”

“good… then what the HELL WERE YOU GUYS THINKING?! you were missing for a whole 45 minutes! and you!” suga lifted his hand and pointed towards kageyama. “the game was going to start in 15 minutes when you left! what were you going to do if you didn’t find hinata? what if you got trampled along with him? when i said I wanted to be on the court more, i was hoping it wasn’t going to be because our starting setter was dead-“

suga’s speech was cut off by the referee announcing the start of the match. both hinata and kageyama sighed in relief but didn’t completely relax when they saw the looks daichi and suga were giving them. they knew they were in a lot of shit when they were back at karasuno. kageyama and hinata made their way towards to court, trying to ignore the feeling of suga glaring at them from the back. in the corner of his eyes, kageyama noticed the hunk tall football player amongst the stands. ‘… maybe this was all worth it.”

it was only when they went to take their individual positions on the court and dropped their hands, did they realise they’ve been holding them together this whole time.

Scattered Thoughts

I was wondering how I would go about doing this, because a lot of my written shit is just to get some irrational shit off my chest and since the people who target me and harass me, and try to instill paranoia into a mentally ill man, they have had to die it down a bit more, which means they go into planning mode in private but when they are close to whatever their mission is, they will show what they are help creating. Before I documented their targeted harassment, they would flat out admit what kind of control they have and the resources they had to do what they can. But now they have to limit what they do and say but when they show up, especially one that posts on that Systemically Hanzi83 sub reddit, the white supremacist who hates that I became more socially conscious, so he has to project how he really feels about being pegged by minorities and projects it into me, but he is showing what he might be up to while presenting it like he just discovered this Chat GPT where they are showing there are a lot of misleading things about me. First it is about if I have been arrested, and if I had been arrested for threatening Howard’s kids in 2007, you think he would’ve let me on the show, like he wants crazy but you don’t think that information would’ve leaked online earlier. Not only have they spent the past creating fake images that are horribly edited, but if my name comes up in the discourse again, which is why they are doing this, because everyone at the top is gonna be exposed one day for the shady shit they have done, so if they anticipate Stern might be exposed and maybe some of the shit he put me through becomes a topic again, depends on how the powers that be are gonna market my trauma, but if you look up my name, most of the time it is negative shit or people reducing me to being fucking super crazy and being a violent threat. I never gotten violent other than having sibling fights when I was younger or had my own shitty backyard fed. But because these people are fucking racist, they deem any conspiratorial Pakistani a violent person, which is why the fed like accounts online can monitor me because they can say they have just cause because I used to be crazy on the Stern Show, and there was gonna be more support post Stern but I dind’t get lured into the new right wing sphere, they figured I would want any type of relevance if it meant getting support and even though being too online in the 2010’s and not trusting any establishment like media, I would fall for culture war reactionary shit as the be all end all, but people knew at my heart of hearts I never had evil intent. People have followed my pathetic journey over the last 15 years, they have seen where my mentally ill dumbed down mind has gone, and even though being conspiratorial puts me in the disadvantage of being accepted because everyone, even people on the left will generalize and put them all in the right wing bin. The reason being that in my personal opinion and my personal theory is that conspiracies are gonna come true and that is why some of the right wing embraces it a bit more so then guys like Alex Jones could get credit for being villainized when he isn’t the first one to spew the valid conspiracies he did 20 years ago. So these people figured I would be sucked in because I was already buying into internet narratives so much in the 2010’s and I had no one to talk to, they purposefully isolated me from people in my life, and kept me suppressed that it was like they wanted me to get radicalized, and the trolls who have fucking been around have tried to do that, whether it is pushing me to suicide, and hinting they are coming to my house and live streaming their drive, or the constant incentive to give people online I would interact with to say ignorant shit because they wanted to see if I would give it a pass if they were black, brown, women etc, and when I didn’t counter shit the racist reactionary way, they will make it seem like I am scared because I would go off on the white supremacist trolls who showed their mission of trying to fuck with me, and instilling paranoia and getting me to snap and then taking shit out of context or flat out lie. Then they get mad that I don’t want them on the podcast, because these sociopathic shit heads think because they have resources and they are protected, they think they are actual personalities. These people are scary jerk offs and I know I piss off a lot of people, so different areas of the internet will give incentive to these people to pop back up. I have my ideas, but they know I write about this in “private” and when they know I am having bad mental health days, they show up to take advantage of me being vulnerable because being open about my mental illness and the ugliness that it has entailed, they can’t do that, but their vulture like behavior becomes standard and cliche. So they want to keep triggering me. I know by me complaining about this, other social climbers will make fun of me for bitching about this, and they will say it is all for attention, if I go to authorities or get a lawyer, I can’t technically prove everything I am saying and when there is “evidence” of the levels of how this might exist, come out, it will be because it is designed to come out. Maybe it doesn’t, maybe I am destined to be pushed over the edge and maybe I just drop off and then after the fact, they will then vindicate my name and prostitute my memory when they could have investigated this shit, but everything has become sports entertainment so it only happens when the system can profit off it. So I know it seems like I bitch about this nonstop and people think I am the one who talks shit. People who want to be thought leaders put out shit and do pile ons on other cogs in the system and try to destroy people’s credibility and they help initiate people with ignorance etc, and it is not good enough they have me ignored in the discourse etc, which is fine, but they don’t like that I still go off in my little echochamber but they still pay attention and get triggered by what I say when they are the ones creating chaos but then they will make physical threats because that is what the system permits them to be that way and that is fine, but even if you beat the shit out of me, you will still have dangerous sociopaths controlling your lives who will make you soulless individuals. I might go off on other social climbers, but it is never personally against them because it is more about what the system turns people into. But then people represent for the system by wanting to socially climb up there where they will then be used for fodder and it won’ be so fucking fun.

I am going to go all over the map. So if you stumbled across this, just assume I am a dumbed down mental case who is going off “vibes” in my published blogs because I just write from the top but I hate having to write these kinds of blogs going over my progress and trying to become a lot more peaceful because they have tried to manifest me into becoming a violent person, and claiming that Stern Show made a deal with people in my life, so it keeps me on the edge and then has me really upset with people in my life so I snap because I can’t take it out on Stern, not that I would ever fucking approach him anyways, but they have had to spread rumors of me beating the fuck out of my parents and then these same people will then want to make peace so they can be in my life for some reason, it is like instead of telling me I might get vindication some day, they would rather act like they genuinely want to be friendly with me, even people from my past who have come off a bit more peaceful but then do and say undermining shit to make me feel like shit because the celebs and higher ups they want to fucking suck up to tell them to do that, and I have to sit there and pretend they are actually fucking funny because their group chat told them they were, and hate that I don’t want their help in writing material or I didn’t want them to cohost the podcast, or be my producer etc. They wouldn’t be doing that if they didn’t think eventually shit will come to light. But the way everyone is getting shittier and becoming a fucking sell out. So I look at who could be sending the trolls to plant shit about me, and I know I have pissed off people in the wrestling world, I know I have pissed off people in the alt media spaces, I know the Stern Show is constantly going to be a source of putting my name out to hint they are gonna kill me or they will come after me etc, even if they were lying, doing that shit to a mentally ill person because you can’t fucking get help for your fucking mental health issues, because some people with those issues who are too far gone are like Tony Soprano, where on a human level you don’t wish anyone that kind of mental misery but when you are tied to a mafia like life you will always try to accumulate more power and resources to use at your disposal to destroy people’s lives. And at a certain point I don’t give 2 shits about your issues. You will never get better because you will always be bound to this life where you are gonna constantly try and create chaos and play off valid issues going on in the world to hustle people for your grift. So I used to feel bad for some of these fucked up trolls but then when they show they are going to continue to say racist shit then claim I am the one who hates white people, because I have generalized at times instead of saying “the White system, or white people that reflect the white supremacy ideology” so they blasted my tweets on an app so a bunch of patriots could take note. And if people are looking into their posts etc, they will do bare minimum bashing of right wing politicians so I guess you could say they are liberals who are putting me through this. Maybe they actually feel that way but I notice when I have pointed out they lean further to the right. They have no issue pointing out that I am out of work or some shit knowing I am blackballed and not allowed to be given a job in the industry and act like I am not doing anything on my own volition. 

I wouldn’t put it past people in the “alt media” like TYT to kind of be behind some of that shit since I have been going off on their right wing grift. If they admitted what they were turning into and I know a lot of people in the left space still give them benefit of the doubt that they are just making some bad mistakes, they are showing more and more that they are becoming right wing apologists, and not because they criticize democrats, but I have suspected this was always the grift, because so many people they have made in their platform have been going more to the right wing and through sports entertainment, we think they are at each other’s throats but it forces you to make a choice, but they are all meeting in a mutual meeting spot when the world turns into a fascist place, like it isn’t already getting there and people are making it known, and the symbolism of people being canceled ensures they will be saved by the right wing but it also makes the “left” look crazy because they are the ones doing it even though the right wing is manufacturing more shitty culture wars and using propped up sports entertainment viral shit to prove their point and because the alt media covers it I am supposed to not question it because I am supposed to buy into their “MSM is shit” narrative which everyone knows by now but the MSM is so shit, that they can’t talk about anything else. Like if you are so good at what you do, you would not need to preface your takes as “YOU WON’T HEAR THIS ON MSM” and I don’t regularly watch MSM because the last 10 year a bunch of fake anti war people said it was shit, and they used a 90’s aesthetic to act like someone criticizing MSM is the biggest own when people consume news online more than ever. But the thing is these shows are doing establishment like takes, so all that calling out the system over the last decade to sell your souls to become soulless cartoonish people who focus on being more of a sports entertainer doing comedy banter, because we need more Trump impressions, we need more shit of Ana Kasparian reiterating that if Trump was not running for office she would follow his comedy career, like someone who you know has aspirations for fascism, like him and DeSantis, should not need to have “Well to be fair to him” like you can acknowledge these people are smarter than people like to think they are since we have America’s dumbest criminal syndrome. But they have to buy into the shitty sports entertainment, and then get shocked that DeSantis would pardon Trump, which then shits on the analysis from these people because they are too busy slapping their knee at the name “MEATBALL RON” like your taste in humor is complete shit, like even if you bought into Trump’s shtick of being an edge lord with no filter, hasn’t that shit run its course, it is not genuine, it is more manufactured but I notice a lot of people who claim to be left on these platforms have to always downplay Trump and DeSantis, and everything has to revolve around fucking comedy. Like people are gonna fucking die from this sports entertainment into fascism road these people are, and we have to buy into fake sports entertainment so we have to be forced to choose a side in the argument when we shouldn’t give a shit about them, and it feels like TYT especially is doing free promo for the campaign while pretending they are covering the candidates feuding and you people are supposed to be more credible, they hate that they are not considered progressives and then they go on platforms that are bigger to represent for progressives and blame the general left for culture wars when these assholes have started culture wars. Ana is becoming much more unhinged than Cenk in this case, look at how she covered this propped up story with the citibike Karen, and listen I always thought these Karen videos have always been sports entertainment, since people are given incentive for digital currency that is valuable to these people, to go viral for shit and then we think that could not possibly be orchestrated, but TYT didn’t mind getting on the trend when it was to ride the BLM wave to show they are progressive but since the protests in 2020, it feels like there is a push to push back at any claim of racism, so they advertise these DEI seminars which technically are happening but since everything has to be like a reality show and a nonstop comedy, it has to be there designed to fall flat on its face for the online contingent to push back on even though they are funded online to make it seem like diversity is getting out of control, the system is so racist that these super extreme examples to make black people look bad in these situations is designed for people to think diversity and inclusion is becoming more extreme. They will chastise others in how they protest and thinks they can dictate how people on the left will act but they are more focused on being fair to people who have fascist aspirations, they know the system is a far right wing trajectory system like they are the ones who book the world champions in wrestling analogy and you know they have been paying attention to my podcasts and blogs because they were kind of spoofing the wrestling references and me sitting there getting flustered they would compare Tucker and Trump to Road Warriors going to WWE and feuded with the Wild Samoans, like the fucking Legion of Doom never feuded with the Wild Samoans in their first WWE run you stupid son of a bitch. But they are clearly paying attention to what I am saying, they have resources and connections to have shit I say monitored. But I am not picking  a fight but I hate people who want to sell out so badly and sophisticate new racist talking points and then pretend you are progressive when that ship has sailed. Now my trolls get giddy that I am upset that more people will turn further to the right wing. It makes me question the path people I know from my past, and it is like why would I want to be here if everyone is gonna throw on an NWO shirt at some point. It could be wrestling people too because I do talk shit to the general discourse because it has been so propped up and they are bigger examples of people who hate the “MSM” which would be WWE in this case but then they do their own establishment narratives because they want to dictate the discourse and people will pretend they don’t take the fandom seriously but when literally everyone is trying to become a sports entertainment to help carry on a worked shoot angle that caters to one man’s ego, so acting like the online narratives are more genuine any more than the WWE level narratives, it becomes a laughing stock to me. I have tried to move away from this but my mental illness and me being beholden to being invested into entertainment will never go away because we are all fucking trapped into this shit, it is not about discussing and moving discourse forward with analysis, it is about facilitating people playing characters online who have to have controversial takes so it gets dunked on. It feels like shit is created to be a story so we can continuously justify a 24/7 news cycle and I wish I could make a clean break from it, but time and time has proven I am a mentally weak person. This is why I would prefer not to be here because how can I really get better in a world that is getting worse, we have allowed the manufactured and organized shit online to seem like it is completely genuine because it seems like it is real, or it genuinely happened and it helps manufacture consent from people taking in culture war discourse to not give a shit that really fucked up laws are being signed to help erase people from existence. But people who have to pretend they are just going at the democrats solely and then giving the props to the right wing for the bare minimum when the system in general has a right leaning bias, even if they might go “woke” about a topic or two, so there is no point in giving people like that credit when it is already in their favor, they don’t think that because they don’t view being online and pretending that shit that becomes “news” and topics of the day, is 100 percent legit and it could not be created by billionaires who might fund this kind of chaos, these people let us know who they are with their vitriol and they are making people’s lives a living hell, and you are gonna tone police how people would feel from this shit and then pretend you give a shit about people from marginalized communities and you think you can beat them with ideas knowing that anyone on the left side will not get to go at the right wing talking points a lot better than some of the shitty MSM personalities who do slight pusbacks, but the ignorant point of view still dominates. They think because the system pretends to be “woke” about some shit, that the opposing opinion is not wanted, when you are all probably being funded to spew that talking point. 

I know this is a mess of a blog but the people who hate me who read this probably had their mind go all over the place reading this shit, but I am writing this at 5 am in the morning and I just needed to get random shit off my chest but the trolls stalking me and trying to make my mental psyche a bit more rocky always lure me into this shit because they need to be talked about on some level, even by a fucking former whack packer on the Stern Show who has not been relevant since 2016. But time to time I will admit it throws me off my mental a bit that these people will try to fuck with me and then because I assume a bunch of other high up people assign these people to do this shit, it makes me question everyone and everything which is probably by design, but you see most people who don’t feel comfortable with their thoughts would not to admit these kinds of thoughts exist because being vulnerable about your mental illness will ensure people will come at you but being disrespected all through my existence and taking nonstop L’s in this lifetime, I know how to handle it better but me saying one thing will make you lose your noodle because you aren’t used to have to analyze yourself, it is the scariest shit in the world to be alone with your thoughts and I have because I had no choice but now I can embrace it a bit more because I can take a lot of mental anguish, more so than a lot of fucking funded people out there, because the funded people put so much effort into looking good and making sure their reputations are in tact, you put so much energy into that, they won’t ever self analyze. The aesthetic me and how horrible I look to the basic civilian out there represents what a lot of you in the system look like on your insides. The funniest is that these fucked up people doing the system’s bidding had to monitor me write this and they are then gonna have to read it again when I post it. They know no one is gonna believe me, that is their only solace that no one has my back and that is fine, so this is just a mentally ill person who expresses his irrational thoughts at my own detriment because it makes me look like the insane one, not the system that has these people at their disposal to make me feel like utter shit, selling my information to people in higher positions in the entertainment and political world because these people sold their souls to be soulless monsters and their only saving grace is what, having another entertainment persona so you all can practice being sitcom characters you enjoy watching. This is what I mean when I say out of all the entertainment that exists, comedy is probably the most damaging, these people won’t give you the grim reality that is coming but we have to levitate shit with comedic banter and buying into sports entertainment in fighting so they dominate the fucking news cycle. Not every alt media place has gone that far, but at one point I didn’t think certain people on the “left” would go that fucking far and they ended up becoming predictable boring edge lords trying to be fair to the “right” under the guise of working class and there is nothing wrong with supporting the working class, but when you use propped up figures who have far right ties and you don’t ask tough questions. Jimmy Dore would be promoting the convoy earlier this year but did he talk about the truckers who got fucked over because of the convoy shit taking over the entire discourse? You can just say shit and claim you are a leftist and we automatically are supposed to believe you because the MSM is dog shit in their coverage so now a bunch of alt media people who are aligned with billionaires then get to pretend because they look like the man of the people that they represent. The trolls  are fucking with my computer as I write this, they are slowing it down a bit and it is like they already can’t handle me talking shit about them so they can’t make it overly obvious so it clearly is bothering them because they think when I am not feeling mentally well, they got a perfect situation to amplify the paranoia in hopes I will lose my mind even more, but then they get triggered by me writing this down and at this current time I am writing this, it has not been published, but they know that even though I cannot prove everything other than what is documented, they get worried someone might stumble upon this and might actually look into what they might be up to. I don’t get it though, you guys have the connections and resources, why wouldn’t you be happy? Maybe it sucks to know at the end of the day the people doing dirt for people at a higher level will be used for future sacrifices and the promises made to you are not gonna be fulfilled. The system doesn’t let you be a mercenary for the goodness out of their heart. But again this is just delusional talk from a mentally unwell man, you are better off listening to other mentally unwell people who have to pretend to be thought leaders in their circles and you can tell they can’t handle the criticism because you are supposed to believe they are anti war and anti establishment, that is what these people have going for them but if you found out for real they are being funded in this current age in different areas, suddenly all these guys are no better than the establishment they claim to fucking hate.

Hiii it’s the sub!kiri anon again 💞 I meant to drop in earlier but immediately after your response I had like. a Cinematically terrible week so I’m stopping in now instead!

I loooove all your thoughts on the kink variety, especially everything you said w kaminari todoroki and shinsou! I’m curious about kaminari especially—like, what solo stuff looks like in this particular setting where kink isn’t always inherently sexual? and also how safe it is to do that kind of stuff alone, especially for a sub, since that headspace is super vulnerable! like if a sub drops in a forest and no one’s around to hear, how does he rebound from that? 👀

and for todoshin I’m just… frothing??? like yes good to make todoroki match shinsou but also UM?? the DRAMA of todoroki of all people being into pain, when you look back at his particular upbringing? It makes so much sense that he would get the wires for love and pain crossed with all the shit his parents put him through. there are so many layers of coping to unravel with him i could practically write an essay, so matching him up with shinsou is just soooo perfect imo haha. But yes!!! Service/pillow Princess todoroki is VERY IMPORTANT!! He can have both!!! The duality of man!!!!!!! He just feels so fluid to me like he can do it all and he SHOULD!

you mentioned shinsous damage with gags an muzzles… is that just because of his quirk, or is there trauma to unravel? 👀 i must admit I always love the trope of shinsou being muzzled as a kid, but with the context of this au i feel like it adds even more flavor ✨ that is, there’s kind of something inherently sub-like about being muzzled, and with shinsou being a dom, i gotta wonder what that could do to a kids head? like a dom being forced into a submissive role without consent during the formative years of his youth… much to think about 🧐

I’m also curious about how a dom/switch (or sub/switch, but I’m particularly talking about todoshin rn sooo ;p) works with the biological components! In your bkdk story there’s the switch therapy arc (which I LOOOOVE btw tysm for that💞💞💞 caretaker fatigue is so real and it felt so validating to get to see Bakugou getting taken care of for a lil bit ❤️‍🩹) which made it sound like switching if you don’t already lean switch would be difficult or unadvisable? So if a switch is paired with a dom, does that switch also need to satisfy their own dom leanings to be healthy? Or are they able to do alright with hanging out in the Sub Zone? And if they do need to go Dom Mode sometimes, how does the usual dom in the relationship handle that?

Sorry for all the questions! Todoroki n shinsou just got me thinking! 💞 also, kind of a non sequitur, but I wanted to say that some of my favorite scenes have been the subcircle scenes in each of your fics—especially the one w deku and todoroki that went so downhill 😏 what can i say I love the dramaaaaa

but yeah, sorry for the long message again! It felt too presumptuous to message you so I hope you don’t mind 💞This au has really been getting me through some difficult times lately, so thanks so much for all your hard work! I can’t wait for the next installment! Much love💞💞💞 —V

omg hi again! i’m sorry about your week :(( i hope it’s going a bit better now 💞💞

okay okay on kaminari and solo play—i came up with that fairly on the fly lol BUT i imagine this world has like, a thriving ASMR community where someone pretend-talks you through a scene or something lol, so that’s the main option. but also depending on the person they could just hang out and put themselves in a light headspace if they really tried. like the first thing coming to mind is pet play again 💀 even with no dom around you can still dress up yknow?

but you are correct it is not exactly what one would call Safe lol. definitely not uncommon, but ill-advised, because of the risk of drop or the sub hurting themself. the best-case scenario is something like what kaminari has, where other people are nearby to notice if something has gone wrong.

ugh and YES todoshin, i love them both so much so ofc i have to give them all the angst >:3 imagine it coming out that todo’s into pain and someone just decides to like, shame him about it. “obviously you don’t actually like it you were just conditioned by your father and you need therapy and your dom is abusive if they take advantage of that” yada yada yada. like no! well maybe! he does need therapy but shh anyway.

and oh i love giving shinsou quirk-related trauma so ofc muzzles <3 but i did NOT think about the inherent sub-ness of it omg….the urge to write about like a 13yo shinsou getting adopted by erasermic in this verse grows STRONGER. i need to talk about his issues. also uhhh the parallels of todoroki being forced into a dominant role and shinsou into a submissive one??? hello

yes okay and dom/switch relationships. there’s two ways this could go! i actually wrote a tiny exchange in CTL chapter 3 about how todoshin deal w this but i just had to go reread what it says bc i do not know my own lore. anyway. obvs this could be solved by polyamory but in the context of a monogamous relationship

scenario one: the switch is allowed to have other partner(s) as needed. todoroki alludes to this in CTL and says that recently he and shinsou & aoyama and tokoyami made a sort of…i guess friends with benefits? arrangement, since they have the same kind of issue. they’re not all dating each other, they just sometimes do a scene together if necessary. easier and more personal than always finding a different partner.

scenario two: i was going to use spinneraki as an example for this which is when i realized that i never wrote spinner’s orientation down anywhere. i have no idea what i want it to be. problem for later. regardless, shigaraki is a really sub-leaning switch, so he pretty much exclusively subs and works out his Dom Energy via running the league. so if someone leans hard one way or the other they might be fine doing that.

switches do generally need both headspaces for balance, though, BUT it would take a good bit longer to get to actual withdrawal if they were only indulging one side, if that makes sense?

ugh and YES i love the sub circle scenes they’re very fun. i have an idea in my wip list about todoroki angsting over joining one at ua bc he’s so used to just being a dom, but now that we have trans!kiri i can also give him the same angst…hehehe. i too love the drama.

and omg do not apologize for sending asks, i always love getting them and i love your energy💖 absolutely feel free to message me as well, but no pressure if you want to stay on anon.

DAY 12

Who knew I could sink so low again?

I was fine. I was doing so fine. I woke up around 11am and had some sort of lunch-breakfast and then they delivered the last piece of furniture I needed for my apartment and then I built my bedside table and then I started reorganizing my place.

And then my mom and I had our daily call at around 6:15pm and within 10 minutes of it I was crying so hard I had to tell her I needed to hang up and call back in 5 minutes, which I did. And within 5 minutes of the second call I was crying harder than I had in the past two years and a half.

She told me I didn't know how to handle my expenses and that she and all of my grandparents were very worried, and that she didn't understand how all the money she and my grandparents had given me could possibly already be gone, and that she wouldn't be teaching me how to do better because I was an adult and that was none of her business and that maybe I needed to get myself deep in financial shit to actually learn. What hurt the most is when she told me "maybe in a couple of years you'll be successful and you'll have made it, but for now you haven't." It would have hurt coming from anyone, but it hurt even more coming from her. And the sweet irony of all this is that literally just a couple of hours earlier I was telling my friend that success was something very personal and that it meant different things for everyone, like for me, success was having gotten out of university to take care of myself (implied: instead of trying to d-word). So me typing out that I felt I was successful in life, and just a few hours later having my own mother tell me I was not successful honestly crushed me.

Because it's true. All I've accomplished so far is remaining alive despite how much I suffer. What she said about me not knowing how to deal with my money is also entirely true. Because I dream of being wealthy enough that I don't have to watch how much I spend, it's what I do although I can't afford it. These past few months, I've been so depressed that I just couldn't bring myself to care about how much I was spending because whatever money I was spending was on things that made me happy, even if it only made me happy for a couple of second or minutes, it still got me out of my extreme suffering and that was better than nothing at all. Being depressed has also pushed me into a situation where I've tended to live for the "now" and rarely ever think about the future, because when thinking about the future, all I could see was something even darker than the "now". So when you don't think of the future, you don't care about how much you might be endebting yourself, or how much money left you'll have in a year or so. And yet, I've been extremely anxious about money through all of it, although it never stopped me from overspending.

So yeah, I am having a big breakdown. I have no idea how long it'll take me to start recovering. This conversation on the phone also made me realize that, in more general terms, I cannot care for myself. I go to bed late and wake up late, I don't eat regularly nor properly, I often can't bring myself to brush my teeth twice a day, I don't know how to keep up with the tasks I have to do nor how to prioritize things, I don't know how to stop spending so much money. And do you know where they put adults who can't care for themselves? Psych wards. Maybe that's where I belong. Or just where I need to be. Or should be.

The other sweet irony in this is that my therapist texted me because she was worried about me cancelling my appointment last week. I thought it was so nice of her I decided to rebook an appointment, which I might have to cancel because it's literally so expensive.

I can't undo all the damage I've done. I don't even know if I should take the time to look at all the damage I've done. And that I might do in the future.

I'm hurting so much. I just wish I would stop hurting like this.

"See, the rain is nice but...

I don't really like getting wet.

Wh- What in the world?

No I... I went under the awning

It's still raining!

Why is it still raining?

I did what I was supposed to

That's not fair..." -Jack Stauber

I had this really cliché moment with myself earlier today. So cliché but so very meaningful to me in the midst of all the hate and dysfunction around me from everyone else.

I picked the first two guava fruits off the tree in the patio that I've been taking care of. I rinsed them right then and there and ate them. They were so sweet, like nectar. I tasted it on my breath even after.

I have been eating the chilli peppers and some Chaya leaves, limes I froze early in the spring and fresh ones already ripening again. I got some sow thistle leaves and have been eating the cactus pads from both of the species I'm tending to.

I don't see it.

I don't see why they hate me so much and want to gaslight me and blame me for everything.

I don't see how what they do to me is excusable and how easily they can discount what I value as worthless and frivolous.

I know, I have had so much proof! I could feed myself a nutritionally balanced diet, all organic, all homegrown, all from my own work and deliberation, all through my patience and care.

They hate me.

They won't stop with the complications and antagonisms. The deceit and the harassment. Just today while I cleaned out the cats' litterbox and came into the house for the other one, they threw another rock or brick or something at my gate. Everyone who saw did nothing, the next door neighbors were almost pleased.

It wasn't enough to complicate and harass my progress on watering and tending plants in the park. I used to go out there almost every single week and water trees several times a week, usually at night if it was summer. No it's not enough for them. It wasn't enough everything they've done since and I'm too exhausted to describe it all in detail or roughly list it out. Now in my own home they come in and break my plants, harass me from outside, goad and taunt and gloat. Two times the asshole next door has broken in uninvited, illegally. And twice nobody has set him straight.

That guava tasted like nectar. It was beautiful for a moment.

I remember when I got back here from Coamiles, after my parents promised me they were sorry for what they had done to me and nothing like it would ever happen. I remember the flavor those fruits from the same tree had this month in 2020. It was weak, bland, even the texture was just mediocre. They were all smaller than average and didn't develop any flavor even left to ripen fully.

It's not me. I'm not my problems.

I wish the commons existed. The wilderness. Something like an "outside."

I've washed my clothes with my own hands for a year, not for anyone to pat my back and give me a medal, but that doesn't mean I did it so that little pieces of shit who never have to clean their own toilet could puff their chest and live to old age without being knocked down to the position they should be in society.

A man could steal bread to feed his starving family as a last resort, or he could live a shameless career of thieving, and flaunt it. A group of adolescents could steal that same bread to get a rush and feel something, either throwing it away, ruining it, or actually eating it. A person could steal that same bread just to prevent a sale or purchase. A person could rub their dirty hands on that bread, sneeze on it, rub it on their boot.

It's not that complicated. But it's not so simple. Anyone with any sincere eyes can find the sense in these situations. Instead of a piece of bread, they've trampled on human rights, civil rights, dignity, decency, humanity. For what? Because it's very clear to me it hasn't been to figuratively save a starving family from hunger. I see greed, and I see ego and I see so much hate. I see selfishness, and I see so much pride and self-righteousness among all their double standards. They're blind to all the relevant details, they draw conclusions they already preconceived and stitch connections that aren't meant to be, out of order or priority, out of place and uncalled for. Meanwhile they ignore the obvious, as if they truly don't recognize anything as true as the facts and never would, blinded by hate.