i mean, i still don't actually talk to people, but my god getting back on tumblr has been so good for me. who knew interacting with people who share your interests could be so good for your mental health?

I am *so* fucking sorry I missed out on Moral Panic because What The Fuck

Asmo is the personification of "I'm a delicate beautiful flower uvu" and then throws hands when someone disagrees, MC is just there to hold his stuff when he beats the stuffing out of some poor demon. Afterwards he pretends like he didn't lose his shit and threw hands because someone said that x wasn't his colour

HE CANONICALLY KNOWS AND USES WRESTLING MOVES!!!!

I see this as him starting to watch wrestling because of all the hot muscular people in it (remember that chat when Beel gets tickets to either a body building competition or a wrestling match and asks MC to come along but when MC suggests Asmo, because he'd like it, Beel says that's precisely why he can't take Asmo) but then he really got into it because of the actual wrestling & violence (whether or not it's fake isn't the point)

Okay but, I love Asmo so much???? He gives off this ditzy yet sweet air most of the time which contrasts greatly with how vicious he actually is? ;

He's the most vicious, out of the lot, to Mammon when he's pissed off - with his lines being brutally cutting

His entire Desire speech to MC in S1 which sounded like a villain monologue

When he finds out MC was lying about Belphie and why they wanted to make a pact with Asmo in the first place and he threatens to rip their heart out if they lie to him again and this is after they're technically friends!

How condescending he sounds during his solo in the group song with Levi & Beel

Princess Asmo going evil in that one anime episode was hilarious but honestly what did you expect would happen

The whole thing with Helene and how not only was he unapologetic he didn't even seem to realise he did anything wrong

Or the hints at the Sarah storyline which if they follow the irl story is very dark

The fact that (assuming that Levi's animal is a giant sea serpent rather than a snake) he's the only one with a venomous animal and I'm 100% convinced his demon form is venomous

His demon form consists of a bleeding heart as his marking, plus a scorpion which is obviously venomous and roses which would definitely have thorns

The fact that like I said in this post Asmo equates his place in the family to his beauty and then suddenly he fell and changed (and didn't the devs say that in the version where they have more demonic forms that Asmo hated his?) and that would have seriously messed him up

Like I really wanna know what it was like for him right after the fall becaue look at this and tell me he wasn't absolutely deranged

I haven't given Asmo any long scenes in my fics but I love writing him;

Asmo side eyes him, gaze sharp and calculating before his mouth thins into a parody of a smile. "Don't worry about it, Belphie," he says with an almost condescending pat to his cheek before he practically saunters away. 

Belphie watches him feeling mildly irritated but as equally amused and fond. He has always respected Asmo, found familiarity in the wicked sharpness he hid under bubbly giggles and hypersexual ditziness. 

tldr:

There's a reason why it's called blood lust

edit:

Hiiii, hellooooo, I saw your Homestuck au and I love it. Love your art !!! I wanna eat everysingle one of them they are so-

Ok so, I had a few questions if you don't mind like, how did Scar and Grian met? Like- how they become moirals? Aaaand what would be the quadrants between Mumbo, Scar and Grian

Aaah hi! & thank you so much! (I’ve never had someone say they wanted to eat my art, that’s such a high compliment, omg…)

So Scar & Griann. They met while playing the VR version of Flarp around mid adolescence!

Actually, the VR edition of Flarp is how all the various groups of characters know each other. When they were around 7-8 sweeps old, they all signed up for & played a VR Flarp called Third Life. After the campaign ended, they stayed in touch & over the years they’ve played four more campaigns over VR, occasionally adding in more players. (This is very odd for Flarpers & really just for trolls in general. Maintaining relationships outside of your quadrants once you’re an adult & off planet is exceedingly rare, but this group is now around 12-14 sweeps & just finished playing the Secret Life module together.) (…There might be something to be said about the complex shipping chart that has developed holding them together in some ways.) (But mostly they’re just all friends, for whatever shade & value of friendship is possible as an adult troll.)

Anyway! Back to Scar & Griann! Griann ‘accidentally’ (no one is sure how accurate that word is) led to Scar’s first death in the Third Life campaign. We can guess that either Griann really thought Scar wouldn’t die or he just is piss poor at thinking things through, ‘cause killing a sea dweller, even in a game, when you were not supposed to… Well let’s just say that Griann vowed his first life to Scar & Scar, whether by dint of being the friendliest sea dweller you’ve ever met or because he was genuinely placated by the vow, didn’t pursue revenge IRL as he was entitled to by troll custom.

(It’s important to remember here that 1. Griann is a mutant candy red blood & 2. everyone was around the age where blood colour starts showing in your eyes, making it harder to hide your hemostatus. Given Griann wasn’t a full adult, so there was just a tint of red to his irises, during the Third Life campaign most of them assumed Griann was a rustblood. & a such a low blood killing fucking royalty out of turn, frankly most of them were pretty damn shocked that Scar accepted the vow instead of killing Griann on the spot, at least in game. It was very much a defining moment for everyone’s thoughts of Scar.)

So Griann & Scar teamed up & feelings… happened. Most of the rest of the crew saw their relationship as a somewhat forced moiraillegence, Griann placating Scar for his own safety as well as that of others while voicing his desire to leave the partnership to almost anyone who’d listen. By the end of the campaign, the forced part fell off people’s estimations, as Grian obviously became closer & closer to Scar. But it still seemed like a pretty cut & dry moiraillegence, albeit a kinda dysfunctional one, given how much death & destruction Scar still enacted on everyone.

When they were asked about their fresh moiraillegence after the campaign, they both just kinda smiled & nodded, trying not to think about all the confusing vacillating make outs that happened on Monopoly Mountain. & they’ve been living in ??? ever since.

Now, Mummbo Jummbo. My favorite jade blood. (My only jade blood lol.) He & Griann have known each other since they were grubs & have always been pretty much inseparable, despite Mummbo not picking up VR Flarp until the group’s second campaign.

No one knows what the heck is going on between Griann & Mummbo. They are utterly, helplessly devoted to each other in a way that everyone speculates whether they flushed or maybe ashen or ??? Like. Scar & Griann, while they keep up the image of them being moirails, anyone who really knows them can see quadrant vacillation clear as day. That’s not too out of the ordinary. But Mummbo & Griann? Extremely odd by troll standards, particularly adult troll standards. They seem to swing between pity friends & hate friends, as many troll friends do; they just do it at an intensity & velocity that most trolls find baffling outside of quadrants.

(The truth is Mummbo’s quadrants are completely empty & he prefers it that way. Aroace king right here. If you ask if, he’ll just say that quadrants are too much fuss & confusion for him. Though it is worth noting that Mummbo’s main point of reference for what quadrants look like for a long time was whatever the fuck Griann & Scar have going on, which, is, uh, not particularly stable & frequently somewhat unhealthy. Love them though.)

Mummbo & Scar become good pity friends after being introduced by Griann post-Third Life campaign, though they also have their hate friend days. Heck there have even been a few times that others have suspected Mummbo was pitch flirting with Scar (like during the Secret Life campaign when Mummbo said, rather loudly, in public, something to the effect of ‘get good.’). But really it’s a case of the hate friendship aspect of their relationship flaring & Mummbo being utterly clueless to flirting of any kind, even when he seemingly is the one doing it.

Trollhunters Ending FIXED!!!

So....I've recently binged this entire series, fell in love with it and promptly gotten heartbroken at the shitty ending the movie gave us. SO!!!! I have seen many people hating on the ending and pretending it and the movie didn't exist. I came up with an idea that I am permanently using as a replacement for the ending that I'm pretty happy with. I can't write dramatically for shit BUT I can scribble ideas! If anyone wants to flesh this out into a one shot fic PLZ TAG ME JUST SO I CAN READ IT!!!!!

(also this is gonna read more like a screen play for a movie cus I'm a vid editor and that's how I picture stuff, doesn't always translate well into a written story! 😅)

--------------

- So everything stays the same up until Jim uses the kronosphere to go back in time

- Instead of going back to the beginning and changing everything, he travels back to when the Arcane order had finally gotten a hold of the real Nari

- Everything is still happening around him but is dead silent as if he were deaf and in slight slo mo as he gets his bearings (not actually deaf, just that kinda cinematic idea for drama!!)

- Looks around and sees everyone alive gathered around (maybe some sappy or quiet music plays on top of him seeing everyone alive, I dunno!!!)

- As this is the past they don't know Jim just came from the future and are instead focused on glaring at something

- IRL sound hits back in like a huge thud, LOUD AF!!!!

- Jarring Jim to turn around and see the Arcane order hovering in that same ball of magic that surrounded them the first time (that's what everyone is glaring at btw!)

- This is when realization for Jim sets in and he knows this is his second chance

- The music from the credits in the original film (or something like that) starts to build up (in my head it's like him and the music are going "not this fucking time!")

- He transforms into his new armour (either cus it came back in time with him or cus now he knows about the 9th configuration, your choice!)

- Camera and everything is focused on the transformation as the music is building but you can see everyone in the background looking either shocked or like "HELL YEAH!!" when they see Jim finally transforming again

- Quick dramatic shot focusing on the Arcane order still performing their spell, t

- Some sort of cheesy/bad ass hero shot showing off everyone gathered together as the "9th configuration" and ready to kick ass

- Close up on Belroc looking pissed as they realize Jim has transformed and everyone is gathered to fight

- Equally cheesy close up on Jim quietly but determinedly saying something like "not this time" or "my turn" (I can't do dialogue I'm sorry!!!;)

- Jim jumps into fight with everyone following behind

- Final shot of everyone running toward the camera (Arcane order) and cuts to black with Jim swinging Excalibur at the camera.

- As it cuts to black the outro music (roughly 20 secs into it) hits the beat drop at the same time as the credits start!

--------------

Cliffhanger-ish ending, doesn't get rid of the whole story, leaves it up to imagination on who still lives and dies, doesn't undo character development, has more of a feel good "HELL YEAH!!" ending to it (at least for me!) Doesn't feel like a definite ending but has enough to still feel like Trollhunters isn't just over and wrapped up nice and nearly with a pretty bow! For me this works and I'm happy to pretend this is canon. Tbh 90% sure this looks cooler in my head than how it's written down, I might get round to making a vid edit for it on YouTube (cus that's my specialty) but dunno if anyone actually wants to see that!

As I said I'm not a writer so apologies for this chaos!! I don't usually post these things that I think about (cus I've also imaged a better ending for game of thrones!) But I just really wanted to share this in case someone else also enjoyed the concept or in case anyone wants to translate this mess into something coherent!

Anyway, rant done and idea written out, go have fun with it you want, just plz tag cuz I wanna read if you! 😭🙏

So I don’t know if I’m the only one who experiences this or not, but half of the time I don’t feel like a presence in the world. I don’t know if that’s was the right way to phrase it, but I’ll give an example.

When I go out with friends for example, I feel like I’m not really a part of the group half of the time. And it isn’t their fault, I just feel like a ghost half of the time though, like they don’t notice I’m there. Yesterday I had a really bad day dealing with it.

I say this because this is a trait Magril slowly grows from.

I may or may not have mentioned this already, but before Magril escaped, she was a lot like Rocket in Vol. 1, but with no one like Groot to bounce off of. She’s a part of batch 89, and sure she’s acquainted with Rocket and the others, but she never felt like she was a part of the group, figuratively and literally.

While everyone else’s cages were right next to each other, Magril was placed in a cage hanging from the ceiling on the opposite side of the room, so a lot of the time, she just watched the rest of batch 89 from below. And it wasn’t like they never talked to her, Rocket and his friends always tried to spark a conversation with her, but in the end, Magril felt extremely lonely when she wanted nothing more than to join Rocket, flying into the forever and beautiful sky with everyone.

What also didn’t help was the fact that Magril didn’t trust the HE from the very beginning. It pissed her off hearing Rocket and the others go on about how once they’re all ready, they’ll get to be a part of Counter Earth and live free easy lives. It made no sense to Magril though. Why did they have to be “perfect” to live free lives. Why did they have to go through tremendous amounts of physical and mental trauma just to live comfortably. It all sounded like a big joke to her.

The last conversation Magril had with Lylla was an argument in relation to this. And it wasn’t like Magril could even blame Lylla for having hope and trust in her creator when Magril didn’t have any concrete evidence to support her claims, but it still felt off to her that in order to gain freedom, they had to fit into the HE’s odd specifications. It didn’t feel like freedom at all.

Magril refused to listen to Lylla’s calm explanation and just yells at her, telling her to “keep living in your blind fantasies all you want! I don’t care! If we ever do make it out of this alive, the first thing I’ll do is tell you I told you so! Then we’ll see where your trust in sire’s at!”

Right after their debate, the HE enters the room and takes Magril out of her cage for some tests. HE heard Magril and Lylla’s conversation, finding it amusing that they even had a chance at being a part of his new society. Magril finds out the truth about Batch 89’s purpose of existence and snaps. She runs away from the HE and his guards, dodging bullets left and right.

While on the run, Magril froze in front of Batch 89’s cages. Rocket and the others are concerned and ask her what’s going on. After staying still for another moment, Magril could hear the guards getting closer and start running again. She eventually makes it to a small ship that was docked and hijacks it, taking off into the sky, leaving her birthplace and her friends behind.

Magril couldn’t forgive herself for how she acted toward Batch 89 while she was still in Halfworld, especially after she found out about Lylla, Teefs and Floor’s deaths. The memory of leaving her friends behind without telling them what she knew played over and over in her mind. Magril refused to let herself become that selfish again, and promised herself that she would never take other’s for granted, whether they deserved her kindness or not.

That’s another trait I have irl that is a struggle I battle with daily. I’m a huge people pleaser, just like what Magril becomes. Whether that’s a good or bad thing is up to you. So I end up giving people the benefit of the doubt and second chances all the time because I don’t bother to take my own feelings into account. Magril does this exact thing, until Rocket snaps her out of it and reminds her that her own feelings are still valid, right or not.

Something I’m currently writing with Rocket and Magril kinda delves into that aspect a little further but yeah idk I was just thinking about how bad my day was yesterday and was reminded of this part of Magril’s backstory.

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☆彡 @raccoonfallsharder | @twigglestblog | @bakaotakulife

So, I'm watching a show called Oshi No Ko. And the story is a pretty complicated one. It focuses on the kids of an Idol. One who was extremely famous for a long time.

This screen shot, is from the most recent episode and got me to start thinking. We really do tend to be heartless monsters sometimes. I lose my head sometimes but I will often refrain from stuff that goes further than "Fuck You" or "Fuck off". Why? Because I want to be better than the worst of the things I see around me.

I saw this and watch as the episode progressed. It focuses on a very earnest girl that isn't the most pretty and doesn't stand out well. This despite being in the entertainment industry. An accident happens on set and as some fandoms do, they went straight for the throat. Moments later you hear rumor monologue which produces these:

And when I saw these my first thought was, "Oh......she's going to take her own life". Because the scene lasted for so long. She was trying so hard to just do her best. Except even if you take this away from Japan and look around the globe, we're all pretty fucked.

We took the idea of being anonymous with us from the birth of the internet, and now we walk around with are noses in the sky as if we own everything. Now a days you can just say whatever you want. And another thing dawned on me during this line of thought. "This is why it's so easy for people to dehumanize everyone they don't like nowadays. This is why it's so easy to see a person throwing a birthday party at a park, get pissed of that they are happy and you aren't and get them mobbed by claiming 'Nazis' knowing good well they probably aren't." It reminded me of this scene from a silent voice.

This is how we see people online. Not as real life people who have their own lives, thoughts, feelings, and circumstances. We see them as invalids who if they don't placate us, they are worth less than nothing. I keep up with people online and I can separate fantasy from reality. More than I can say for so many others. And I normally do not attack people so much as I just levy criticism of their views. Mostly only when it comes to things I find important.

However, I try to flush out my point in a way that is actual criticism, rather than something hateful or scornful. I'm not saying I always succeed in that. I do try though.

If I'm being honest. People who are depressed need to not be on social media at all. They need to seek IRL help. And we need to get back to a time we saw people as people. Once upon a time, there was a notion known as "Talk shit, get hit". Because no matter how you felt, being a punk wasn't acceptable. Now, not only is it acceptable. It's promoted, rewarded, and pushed as the norm. I now understand on a more foundational level why I see people say things like, "kys" in anonymous asks or similar things.

It's because they don't understand humanity at all. Moreover, their only experiences with "humanity" are fake interactions they have online. People being bots. And not in the sense of being "fake" so much as they are constructed versions of who they think others want them to be. They are bots in the sense that they are a robot, with a mask of their own face. Programmed to look as good an acceptable as possible.

Hell.....this is frankly hard to write about. And in truth, this message may land on deaf ears. I might not be able to save anyone or make people second guess sending disgusting levels of hate to others. Hell half the time I don't think I'll be able to save myself from the bottomless well I seem to feel like I'm drowning in almost every single day. When I'm mad most times. It's normally because I've seen the effects of things i'm talking about in my own life or the lives of those around me.

Realize that no matter how much you may think you hate another person......on the other side of that screen is a person just like you. They may be ignorant. They may be stupid. They may be downright appalling. They are still human.

Now I'm going to stop writing this before I'm overwhelmed with the worst parts of myself and I'll instead leave this.

now ive got quadrants on the brain specifically kismesissitude because i see the general attitude towards "do you use hs quadrants to label ur irl relationships?" as "i have a moirail/understand having a moirail but the black quadrants just dont work for humans, theyre for a fictional species" or "i have a kismesis but its like a joke" and im like lol. lmao even.

i guess it is my troll kinnie ass but the most common crush i get on people is a pitch one lmao.. my relationship with my fiance started as a kismesissitude and slowly morphed into kismoirailsprits over time, but like, we were a healthy kismesissitude and we still are partly kismesisses! idk if yall saw that gay little interaction we just had (scroll a few posts down on my blog lmao) but like we are still antagonistic towards each other a lot and our relationship started with us hating each other and was built around how much we annoyed each other.

its a very specific feeling and emotion to me! because i have dated people and NOT felt that way, too, so its not like "oh but everyones playfully antagonistic to their partners sometimes!" no no no this is so different. because when i was with my last girlfriend, yeah we would tease each other sometimes, but it wasn't the same feeling as Pitch Romance to me. it's a whole different feeling.

i very often get crushes on people where they annoy the hell out of me. i find them attractive, and even charming at times, but most of the time when they talk im like oh my god you are the most annoying person in the world. i want to make out with you about it. pitch feelings are about being ANGRY that you like you someone so much, to me. like "why the fuck do i like you so much when you're always getting on my nerves. why do i want to be around you all the time even though everything you say pisses me off. why do i want to kiss you." lmao. thats my experience at least! and also wanting to annoy them and rile them up in return. thats how i felt about juice at the start of our relationship, and i still have those feelings towards it now, though i also have other feelings like just plain and simple genuine Love and Affection without the annoyance as well. it fluctuates. depends on if we are annoying each other at the moment or not haha

i've told ppl this and they've been like "oh so its like tsundere" and im just like. I GUESS????? but to me it is so different like i feel like tsundere is when you like someone but cant admit it so you act like you hate them (maybe you even believe that you hate them, but truly, you like them) whereas kismesissitude is truly hating someone, finding them annoying and infuriating, but in an exhilarating way. i hate you and you hate me and its fun to annoy each other and watch each other get all mad.

the quadrant i'd personally never feel the need to be part of is the ashen one because its main purpose is to prevent cheating on ur kismesis and its like. well im polyamorous so. lol. i could see it being used in human relationships if its like, someone who functions as your moirail and helps mediate in arguments you have with other people where you/the other person are getting too angry with each other? i guess?

and also like. treating a moiraillegience as monogamous and something you can "cheat on" someone else with is definitely not the way to go imo. i mean im in a pale throuple rn. we call each other moirails because we trust each other more than anyone with talking about our feelings and stuff! but back in the day i remember people literally being like "he said *paps you* to my moirail what the fuck thats MY moirai only *i* can pap them!l" and its like alright calm down...

KIN LIST?????????????????????????????????????

AHHHHHH SON!!! THANK YOU FOR THE ASK!! 😩❤️ I’LL GIVE YOU EVERY TYPE OF RAMEN DISH THAT YOU WANT. Also, KIN LIST??? MINE??? 😳

Hmmm… Well, I do have a few in mind, so here’s my Kin List:

Mary Kim: I resonate w/ her HEAVILY because her attitude, her behavior, and even the way she interacts with people (esp with Vin Jin) is literally me irl. If I’m close to ANYONE (guy/girl) irl, I’d usually be the type to tease a lot and be the “big sister” in the friend group who usually supports. And I’d be the type to throw hands if necessary, but would never initiate for no reason. Also, her FASION SENSE TOO??? I KIN. DEF KIN. Omg you guys have no idea how similar I dress like her sometimes. It’s insane. 😭

Zack Lee: I feel like his humor and mine, are similar. I just… have a feeing. Imagine, Zack reacting to a bunch of memes (probably dank, dark, and offensive memes) on his phone and he pulls out some Vine references out of nowhere. And I STG, our taste in music would be similar. Zack would definitely listen to rap music like Kanye, Travis Scott, Kid Cudi, Kendrick Lamar, etc. Even the way he dresses (usually in streetwear) is one of the clothing styles I mainly go with whenever I dress up to go outside.

Johan Seong: Typically, the way he dresses is my MAIN go-to. Mostly, BLACK CLOTHING. Like bro… Majority of my clothes consists of 95% black clothes and 5% any other color. I’m not kidding. Plus, I can imagine me and Johan just chilling and walking out in the street, and some old ladies would ask us if someone died because we’re both wearing black clothing, which is just… our usual outfit. 🧍🏽‍♀️ Also, the way he deals with people who piss him off or is annoyed by them like he doesn’t give a fuck, is such a big personality trait that I kin with. When he doesn’t like someone, then he’d REALLY show that he doesn’t like them. Same goes for me irl too. I like how he doesn’t fake his attitude towards people as well, and he’d come for them like no one’s going to stop him. I fuck with that. 🤝🏽🖤

Lua Im: Lua got a bit of fight in her too, but I like how she isn’t really the type of person to fight in the first place. Similar to Mary’s explanation, she wouldn’t resort to fighting unless she has a good reason to. I also like her personality, and how she involuntarily handles things funny and does some “dorky” things when stressed (because honestly, me too girl). I’d panic and I’d say or do the dumbest shit ever and I’d just embarrass myself even more to the point that I want to die. 💀 In addition to how I kin with Lua through her actions and personality, I really mess with her sense of fashion too. Yeah, I know she rocking the Stüssy top and that one simple style with the hoodie and the jacket over it, because I’d wear those irl. Not joking. She’d def vibe w/ streetwear too, as if she’s the female version of Zack Lee.

Vasco/Euntae Lee: Vasco’s cheerful goofiness from the older chapters is something that I can relate to. Especially when I’m out with friends, I usually act like a fool whenever I’m with them. And tbh, before I even started to simp for Gun, Vasco was my comfort character LMAO. Because he was such a cute Cinnamon Roll back then, and now? What happened…? 😭 I even see Vasco as the “fun older brother” too. Man, if he was my older brother, I’d def want to ask if I can hang out with the Burn Knuckles Crew until it’s time to go home because they’re all so fun and lively!!

Daniel Park: Even though Daniel is attractive (even in those recent chapters 👀) I view him to be the “brotherly type” who'd protect anyone. That’s the type of vibe I get from Daniel. (To be honest, between Daniel and Vasco, I think they'd be the best "big brothers" ever.) Or, just a male/guy best-friend who you can always depend on and talk to whenever you want to rant/vent about something. I kin with him because I always have the urge to help out people who are having a hard time, and I usually offer to listen to friends’ issues irl because I’m aware that we all need someone to talk. If no one’s there for them, then I don’t mind being someone’s shoulder to lean on. In addition to his kind-heartedness, I relate to Daniel because of the whole “bullying” thing. Back then when I was in elementary school, there was a girl that used to bully me by poking me, flicking me, etc. And she’d even turn people against me so I wouldn’t be able to hang out with certain people (but eventually I became friends with her and we settled our differences ig). I even asked her what was the reason why she bullied me back then and she said it was because of the way that I used to look and the clothes that I wore, which made me look “dorky”. 😀 Sooooo, that’s why I kin with Daniel strongly too LMFAAAOOOO 😌✨

how'd you come to a realization you're valentino kin/irl/etc? i'm curious about the journey

I genuinely don’t think I can publicly post a lot of what I want to say about this, but I’ll try my best to answer regardless !

First of all, I’ve had what some people refer to as “ species dysphoria ” my entire life, and I would try to alter my physicality in drastic ways due to this . I always desired a taller stature, red eyes, more pointed fingers, wings, and an extra set of arms specifically ! I’ve always had some sort of fondness for TV screens / monitors and weirdly perceived them as sentient without genuinely BELIEVING they are . I’ve also always wanted business partners / friends who are more morally comparable to me ( who wouldn’t ? )

Funnily enough, I also attempted to produce pornography on many different occasions . This predates my knowledge of sex or masturbation . I’m not just talking about dabbling in recording / taking pictures of myself like many people dabble in, but I really can’t get into the details . The consequences of this were fucking horrific for me and prooobably what caused me to be this fucked up .

Anywayyy, I used to fucking HATE Hazbin Hotel . There wasn’t really a particular reason for it, but I got angry whenever I saw almost anything to do with it . I hadn’t even seen the pilot or any of the music videos . In fact, I didn’t know that it was just a pilot at the time, and when the actual show came out, I was encouraged to watch it . I initially refused, and I got really pissed off about it . Then, when I did watch it, when the voicemail scene came on, I got “ that’s literally you ”, “ that’s so you ”, and I just remember being fucking pissed off at them even though I literally can act exactly like that, OBVIOUSLY . It did made me pay more attention to the Valentino scenes though . . . I wasn’t really paying much attention before . It wasn’t even in a good way, LOL ?

Maaaybe this is going to make me sound crazy ( I literally have records of this though ), buuut a lot of shit that took place in canon coincided really well with shit I had dreamed up ( ? ) or thought of ( ? ) before . The whole contract thing made me have a sliiight breakdown . I’ve had this thing ( ? ) about wanting it to be possible to own someone entirely . I’ve had several mental breakdowns about it in my life . I used to think that anything was allowed so long as it was initially consensual, and I’ve felt extremely hostile and unsafe when it comes to attachments and relationships ever since I found out that’s not how it works . I was just never able to fully cope with that ? I theeen started having these other more hyperspecific thoughts and dreams I don’t reeeaally feel the need to go into ( I’d probably end up writing a whole novel if I tried, too ) in response to watching the series .

That said, I don’t really give much of a shit about what fans of the show say . Unless they’re interacting with me, I just . . . really don’t give a shit ? I see it as insightful and interesting for sure, but I don’t feel any sort of need to insert myself at all ? I also don’t really have a particular interest to research past life theories or any of that shit . I’m happy to leave it at “ that’s literally me ! ”

I’m crazy about soul contract shit anyway .

I aaam definitely a gatekeeper, but I’m also just . . . like that in general ? I feel like I have more valid reasons than fucking anyone else to feel that way, but I’m also just . . . like that in general ?

@hiya-itsamber you convinced me to start the inheritence games series- i'm on chapter 14 of book 1. here are my thoughts:

i'm making an inheritence games DR for sure. avery just got bequeathed a wholeass mansion where she now lives with four rich, hot dudes. like obviously i want that.

speaking of, i went into this book knowing i was going to pick a guy. no two ways about it. so my thoughts on each boy thus far:

grayson is annoying so far. also one of my DR brothers is called grayson, so i think i'd feel weird about liking grayson. also, he's not very bright, i feel. he acts like he is, but he's also not viewing avery in the logical sense, despite literally priding himself on being the most business-y, factual brother.

nash is okay? i haven't seen much of him yet. he kinda reminds me of a guy i don't like, so i'm not super fond, but that's not really his fault. irl boy just spoiled cowboys/texas for me forever 😐

xander is cool but i have an ex named alex so idk... but so far i like his personality. he reminds me of leo, whom i obviously adore.

jameson... good lord, i'm in danger. witty, puppy-dog, and just a touch self-destructive? save me now. plus his name is james(on) which automatically places me in danger of falling in love. besides the riddles? the games?? good lord that boy is mine.

libby is a saint, and drake should die. avery's a stronger soul than me, because i woulda knocked a bastard out.

(timeskip here from me reading up to ch 14 to like ch 48-ish)

rahhhh okay. soft spot for grayson. soft spot for xander. jameson may have lost my favour, after saying everything with avery was a game. girl i'd be PISSED if some rich white mfer said that to me. but he did also literally shield avery with his body when they were being shot at, so... idk maybe he's a little bit forgiven. also, i'm not fond of this emily chick, but i will tell you i think she has something to do with why avery inherited the estate.

avery's mom died because she didn't get a transplant. emily had some kind of congenital heart condition. those two things are related, i just don't know how yet. maybe emily got the transplant that avery's mother was supposed to get, hence the apology? but emily died due to her heart condition (supposedly) so maybe not.

super proud of myself for knowing the middle names were meant to be places and not surnames right off the bat. also, definitely knew emily was two-timing grayson and jameson (although ngl... avery's kinda doing that too, but i think maybe for her it's not as intentional). also also? the parents' blatant favouritism of emily over rebecca?? sucks balls. i love rebecca so far. she's gonna be the traitor. if amber didn't love him so much, it would be between rebecca and nash, honestly. they both seem like kind, caring people, but the focus isn't on them so they slip under the radar.

i know i'm not supposed to like thea but like. she's awesome. i do like her. which is hilarious, because i'm not supposed to like her, but especially hilarious because she dated xander and i adore xander. even though you don't see much of him, you can tell he's got just as much as the other hawthorne boys going on under the surface, and i've always tripped and fallen in love for a good enigma of a boy.

i know something's happening with max, but i'm ignoring that in favour of the plot for now, but mostly because max is in another state. if she was in texas, i would be looking at her more closely. unrelated- toby is definitely alive, right?

sorry to everyone else who follows me who definitely thinks i'm insane lol

Just writing down some thoughts to gather them

I dunno, recently my whole gender questioning has just really been going off the rails. On the one hand, I still don't truly believe that I'm a woman because I don't really want anything that (I think) hrt or surgery would do with my body. What I mean is, I'm fine my current genitals, and don't want breasts, but I'm near certain that hrt and the like would have more effects than just those. And of course there's still all those "what if I'm faking it" doubts, which. . . from what I gather, are also very frequent with other trans or enby people. Another doubt I keep coming back to is that the person I still have feelings for once told me that while they're (not the person's actual pronouns, but just to keep the mention of them more nonspecific, because that whole thing is not the point here) bi, they would currently be more interested in having a relationship with a woman next, so I my thoughts keep circling back to the idea that I'm faking this all to myself in the hopes that it would help me with them. But that's a point I can at least easily dismiss, even if I keep coming back to it.

But then the other hand, I keep trying to tell myself that all these thoughts and doubts are recent, but. . . are they? I haven't actually gone swimming in years, even though I loved to do it as a pre-pubescent child, and I generally really don't like other people seeing me topless, even though it would be acceptable as an amab person. When my beard growth started, I was in denial for the longest time, to the point where I tossed a razor I was gifted into a corner somewhere and never touched it since, and on the whole was super pissed about the present. These days, I shave my face daily, because I really don't want even a single hair there. I also used to think that I hate being called a man or the like because I just fundamentally unprepared for being an adult, but. . . idk, I guess that's still part of it, but I'm also super certain by now that I'm just not a man. And even now, I loathe being called one, but almost never speak out against it, because that's a conversation that I'm just not comfortable with having with anyone irl outside of university. Whenever I hear my own voice in recordings or become aware of it, I just feel distant from it, like it doesn't really fit. For some time, I had bookmarked a video along the lines of "Feminize your voice", which I kept telling myself was just me wanting to improve my vocal range. But. . . was that really it? I ended up deleting the bookmark some while ago apparently, because I never got to it, and now I'm lowkey beating myself up over it. I guess I've also always had a bit of a fascination with the concept of genderswaps, or genderbending? I really liked Ranma 1/2 as a kid, and when I realized that Xenoblade X lets you re-customize your Cross after the start of the game, including gender, I really was all over that. And somehow ended up playing with a male avatar far, far less than I did with a female one. My whole gender questioning began with Arval Fire Emblem. But even though they're still peak gender, I think they're meant to be amab, and didn't shake my own self-view nearly as much A Xenoblade. . . who's afab(-ish), and feminine presenting. I keep asking myself what I want for myself in terms of my presentation, and I just keep coming back to more feminine ways being more appealing to me. I wouldn't even mind wearing skirts (maybe I could microdose by getting a kilt, lol), I feel. I've also already told a few people I interact more commonly with that I wanna give the name Lucia a try, and have already been called that a few times, which always just gives me a jolt in my chest - like, in a good way.

And then there's still the part that considering this trajectory of my own self-view and gender identity, it might not even be wrong to call myself a lesbian, which. . . that thought still gets me all ???, and I'm not really ready yet to interrogate that.

I also rewatched the video that Abigail Thorn of Philosophy Tube made about her coming out and decision to transition, and. . . well, for the most part, the experiences that she talked about I think didn't feel they matched my own. But one thing she mentioned in there, about a feeling of having your whole being, your identity, everything you believed to be true about yourself coming apart. . . that definitely hit.

noel and ocean are so much like me so i've decided they're both filipino. here's some hcs about that

- neither of them are as fluent in filipino as they want to be, but hold good enough conversation with eachother in filipino with just a sprinkle of taglish in there

- also yes they hate eachother and yes they will shit-talk everyone else behind their backs in filipino

- noel teaches everyone swear words/rude slang and say they mean really sweet/romantic things while ocean seethes behind him

- ocean's relatives in the ph are the type to joke that her fluency in english gives them nosebleeds

- noel's mother doesn't speak filipino too often so they could blend in more, but she does more frequently at home

- ocean's parents either speak it all the time or never do no inbetween

- when noel does monique he'll sometimes try on his mom's pambahay (if you're filo you know the one)

- ocean's the "overachieve until i die or what's the point" asian kid and noel's the "i've already stopped trying ages ago" asian kid and they piss eachother off in those regards (actually, in most regards)

- noel's mom had him wear the tuwalya tucked in the back of his shirt until 5th grade. ocean had it done herself

- they go HARD during langit lupa. like, people have been injured

- i feel like both of them definitely have some sort of guilt about being "whitewashed" or not "filipino enough"

- this can apply to noel no matter the race but mitski girlie. no explanation needed.

- they both LOVE the eraserheads. it's one of the few things they agree upon (bonus: ocean was devastated when she found out none of the members were actually friends irl)

- (these next three are under the assumption they attend a filipino school) ocean feels guilty about using google translate for filipino hw and only uses it for words and phrases. noel writes whole essays in english then pushes them through google translate, no shame.

- this one is very specific to me but noel's favorite pinoy church song is awit sa ina ng sto. rosaryo. no he is not very catholic but are you really a filipino catholic school student if you haven't been so desensitized to church music that they start sounding like bangers no matter what your beliefs are

- with ocean's need for total academic achievement and noel's appreciation for the flare they absolutely KILL the annual folk dances in pe. they're always dance partners w/o fail.

This is Me. No, Seriously. And some thoughts:

First off, I am truly sorry for leaving without a word. I hope this post sort of clarifies a few things about why I had this sudden amazing urge to delete everything and walk off. The short version is, I'm surprisingly not doing okay.

Yes, this is me. Mads. You can put down your magnifying glasses now! I deactivated my account and went limbo for a week, succumbed to outside pressures and such and just couldn't help it. It was one of those days where I'd reached a point, you know? Where I was like, "Okay. This is it. I'm walking away."

If you guys didn't know before, I am a writer! Yes, not only do I write fanfics, but I have a couple of original works too. And I also have terrible anxiety. A few days ago, there was this happening in the fandom and things were said and I heavily regretted my words. I had this horrible feeling that I pissed off a ton of people and on the internet, it is very easy to drive someone mad. There's always going to be happy people and not so happy people and I should've definitely considered that before talking and sharing some possibly hurtful opinions.

But that isn't the reason! The main reason is, I'm just not doing okay! There's so much uncertainty in my life and though writing and art and all these things gave me some clarity, I always had this sickening doubt that it wasn't going to last very long. And struggling with quite a load of "hard times" shall we say, I just couldn't take it any longer. My mental health was literally down the drain and I no longer found happiness in doing what I want to do.

And when you're driven to the brink of insanity, to the point where you'd delete your works (the hours and effort put into them) and it is just reduced to ashes within a matter of seconds, it becomes somewhat of a serious problem. I've always struggled with work and have a bad case of self-sabotage, IRL and in the internet. But the damages are worse in real life and academics and health take a huge toll. I wasn't doing okay at all for a couple of months and I just assumed this would be a "kill switch". To have a fresh start and restart from checkpoint or something like that.

But I couldn't do that. Not when I'd done a bunch of stuff. It took me a fair amount of time; a week to kind of process what happened. And I know it is just a "silly little internet blog" and a couple of fanfics, but this and many other instances has set this precedent where I just want to crawl into a hole, cry as much as I could and wake up to this fresh day where I can try again. I couldn't do that for two reasons:

My effort and time that have gone into writing things.

The good people here that need no introduction.

So yes. I'm not doing okay lol. I just assumed I could just push through it, but I just couldn't. Things were becoming a lot more difficult. I couldn't think. I couldn't sleep properly. And worst of all, I'd just sabotaged myself once again because I assumed either I wasn't "deserving" of it or I felt like I've done something wrong. Like this sickening feeling, you know?

I'm pretty sure I've pissed off a lot of people and I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you! I promise. I'm trying to get better at understanding what I want, trying to better myself back at home. But it is a hard change to process. You wouldn't know the severity of your actions until way later. And yet at this moment, I have the same sickening feeling.

Now I won't go into very detailed reasons, because mental health talks can be quite sensitive and I really don't want to go into that conversation right now. My intention is not to "grab people's attention" or "stir up drama" and just offer an explanation as to why I'm not doing well and why I don't think I'll be very well. Plus, it is a personal subject and it is really not appropriate to you for me to drag anyone into this.

Who am I?

An absolute clown who deleted all her blog, her fanfictions and left and now has come crawling back because she clearly knows fanfictions are her only form of catharsis and is now knee-deep in a sea of thoughts (and not the good kind!)

Whew. That was a long sentence!

What happened to my works?

I didn't just delete my Tumblr blog, but I deleted all of my backups. Yes. I really went that insane XD! Google Drive, Docs, Canva edits, everything is at present, permanently deleted. And I mean, completely erased. Yes, I did delete them. Please put down your "MADS ARE YOU INSANE?!" comments because I am very aware of that!

I hope I can salvage some of my works through people's reblogs by stalking them lol, but I don't think it'd bear fruit. Mostly because Tumblr has this annoying "keep reading" thing where if you want to access the original post, you have to visit their blog and my blog is.. well.. deleted. So.. there.

Will I rewrite them from scratch?

I remember all of their premises and titles, but let's be real, my memory's pretty crap. I don't know, honestly. Maybe I'll rewrite the ones I really enjoyed and avoid putting pressure on this whole thing. I wanted fanfic to be a chill sort of experience; talking, reading, goofing off, but my brain had other plans.

Damn you, cerebrum!

Am I coming back from the dead? When will I keep writing again?

I'm gonna have to pace myself for sure. It'll happen when it happens.

Writing's a nice hobby for me, so I think it'd be a while before I quit it completely.

Am I going to be okay?

Yes. I'll be fine. I really don't want to draw people's attention to this very rant-y sensitive-y, ooey gooey feelingsy post , so I'm going to be disabling the reblogs. Honestly my mental health kind of sucks lately and I haven't sought out help. (I'm really heading for disaster, aren't I?)

But I am getting slowly better at the "think before you act" thing. I hope this doesn't happen again and I don't just go away. I'm kind of glad that my brain came to its senses and told me to knock it off. But the chances are, it is not going to be a permanent change. I'll try my best at being a good person, I suppose and not drag everyone into my messes! I'll also try to talk about things, assess them and maybe take better care of my health and not try to sabotage myself? I dunno. That's like asking a cheetah to stop running so fast.

But I'll pace myself in this regard. I know, fandoms are not something to get all worked up over, but it is real life at play here. My hobbies, academics, interests and others are just really unfortunate to be earning the short end of the stick.

Am I going to try and recover my works?

Maybe. I am not proud of them, but I do plan on trying to retrieve some of them. I love the process of it more than the finished product, so I really want to try and salvage some of them to calm my head into thinking I made a proper, wise decision for once.

You can't expect everyone to root for you, because you have to root for yourself.. at the very root of the problem (Ha!).

Is everything okay for me?

Yes. Okay.

I am truly sorry. I know this stupid explanation probably doesn't make sense and there's tons of stuff out there and I'm just a sitting duck here lol. But I hope for good things.

Things are.. hard at home to say the least. Fandoms and real life cannot mix. They're immiscible. Like oil and water, because things will soon get ugly.. which lead to big Apology Posts at 3 in the morning, like these. I'll try to handle things better and not let it affect my work and interests, but it is just hard. So freaking difficult. :( It's like, I can't even get out of bed these days. It is probably the deepest slump I've ever hit. And "slump" is too short of a word and too shallow of an estimate.

Once again, I am so sorry for this absence and this sudden disappearance. I promise I won't pull off another Bilbo Baggins, put on my One Ring and disappear again. I want to be honest and I hope this Apology Post suffices.

Don't be like me lol! I'm being serious! Please love what you do. It is heavily important. And it doesn't matter if you're writing cheesy romance or literal witchcraft. Please let it make you happy, even for just a moment, because happiness is very fleeting; at least in my perspective. It isn't about fandoms or hate or anything. If you love what you do and hold the highest, silliest hopes possible, nothing can ever bring you down.

And please don't delete your blog and vanish off and come back later with this. It is not worth the pain! If you're struggling, please get help or chart your own course to feeling better. Please let it not get intense and horrible and bad (and no, I'm not preaching or anything. I'm just echoing the words many people have already said before, with hope that nobody has to go through any of this or feel unwelcome or feel this need to delete and restart, because it isn't worth it at all.)

I hope you have a good day! See you! :)

I can’t believe I’m admitting this… but a long time ago when I started to get really critical over Christian groups and pro life groups, I was apart of a small pro life Christian group that was led by this scrote. To this day I don’t think he was Christian. You know how you can just feel that someone has light in them? Like Gods light? Never felt that with him. I had nightmares over him hurting me. It was fucked up

Anyway, I got kicked out for punching him in the face after he explained that we aren’t going to help this local girl that had a miscarriage. She was still in high school so she had little money and was mentally suffering from her loss. His reason was that “in the Bible, women deserve pain.” A baby passed away and it’s mother is grieving and that’s all he thought about - her pain. So I snapped. I punched him a few more times before getting kicked out. I let her fiancé know what happened that same day and since he was in the military, he was more than pissed and strong enough to do something about it. The guy left town that same night. Some people were mad at me for ruining the group but I never said sorry because I will never be. I moved away but I think about that day a lot. And I think truly believe that the man leading that group was a demon possessing that man. I’m so cautious over Christian groups because anyone can join and that means evil can easily invade and take over. We have to be vigilant and watch what they do and not just what they say. If they say abortion is bad but do nothing on helping others, you know that group is a cheap mockery of Gods peoples and His commandments for us on this earth.

First of all: that scrote deserved to be punched. And while I don't think being a piece of crap is enough to states someone is demonically possessed, he for sure displays a very off based comprehension of the bible. God said women were supposed to suffer during delivery....not through grueling life experiences such as miscarriage.

Secondly: the fiancé sounded like a good man, so sad he had to leave that town.... I hope they're both okay💔

As a Christian, I quickly caught on that Christian groups are a huge stumbling stone. I remember shortly after converting, I was eager to mingle with other Christians (since I didn't have any Christian friends IRL), so I tried to interact with Christians online, and also on Tumblr. That's how I realized that A LOT of ppl very losely call themselves 'christians'. You know, the kind to think that thinking that Jesus is Lord & Savior is enough... Some of my interactions ended up with me being the receiving end of very heinous remarks and tbh online Christians have hurt me more than any hater I ever got. That's how I gave up on forcing myself into Christian communityship and learned to be self reliant in my walk with Christ. I don't attend church and never felt like to. Coincidentally, good Christians eventually crossed ways with me (especially some of my followers/mutuals 🤍)

And yeah you're right, many pro life Christians aren't much interested in helping women/mothers or justice for the unborn. Some of them are very transparent in their sick fulfilment in mocking & humiliating women online, under the guise of righteousness. That's why I'm very wary of pro life men, bc they're always a few inches away from good ol'misogyny.

omg kae can i ask 😠😘 for you and zoro (or someone else if you prefer!!) because i am so very intrigued!!!

ahhh dahlia of course you can ask about zoro!!! i will always talk about my himbo swordsman boyfriend <3

😠: what’s the worst fight you’ve had?

like any couple, zoro and i bicker about all kinds of inanities—much of it has to do with his recklessness and density; we are both incredibly stubborn, which is a hell of a dynamic to work through! i would say one of our worst fights was about his emotional unavailability toward the beginning of our relationship. zoro is not only tactless (at first, anyway) when it comes to love, but he also doesn’t know how to communicate his feelings. i firmly believe that it’s more important to show through your actions that you care rather than through words. however, like any other person, i need to hear affirmations. the fight came from a place of my insecurity—i’m the one who “started” it—but things were further exacerbated because after some fruitless arguing back and forth, zoro shut down and i stormed off in tears. we can both get hotheaded and overwhelmed in conflict, so we needed time to collect ourselves and our emotions. eventually, we were able to broach the topic in a meaningful, open dialogue. he explained that he has never done this before, and that i would have to be patient with him. i explained that i need positive reinforcement and a safe space to talk about how i feel. we survived the ordeal and grew closer because of it!

😘: any pet names they call you? you call them?

zoro is a no-frills kind of guy, which is reflected in both our relationship dynamic and our terms of endearment. he certainly does not call me “woman”—the first time he did, i ignored him for several hours because it pissed me off. later when we spoke about it, i made it clear that i am a person with a name; if he isn’t going to be sweet, he can call me by my name or nothing at all. i also tell him he should stop referring to other women as “woman” because it’s rude! they’re people, too. similarly, i have never and will never call him “marimo.” i shouldn’t need to elaborate further on that! but i digress. we usually use a mixture of one another’s names and basic pet names. i call him “zoro” or “zo” or “ro,” and he calls me variations of my irl name. as for pet names, it’s the basic “babe” or “baby” both ways. more diverse pet names are used in bed…but i shan’t get off-topic again! we also have a few silly nicknames for one another. for him i mostly base them on his pointy sticks (he hates when i call his swords that 😆); for me he mostly bases them on my size (small and short compared to him) and mannerisms.

self ship questions <3