By any chance do you have a larger photo of those Yue designs? I'm absolutely digging them

uhm... sadly i didn't at the time you asked me. but i do have now! so sorry for the longer wait;;;

the one i posted were really tiny and i was working anyway on these. it just took me a bit to get it done :D uhm... so here me playing dressup... with yue... again... sorry yue...

if i have to explain mayself... my thought process is basically... yue is the moon. so her dress is either the moon or the enviorment around or below her. and.... you know... fish... -tries not to feel my ex profs glaring at me like "elaborate more dang it"-

also! all these option but if someone tells me to draw yue again i would still give her... a new outfit or just idk... because i can't pick!!!!

In Defence of Qiao Ling

I've been musing on several threads relating to Qiao Ling in the last few weeks and have seen a few posts going around that have pushed me to actually try and put all my Qiao Ling thoughts into words and in one place.

Despite the title, I don't fully agree with the show's handling of Qiao Ling, but I do think she has been provided with a clear ongoing arc and so that's what I'm going to be focusing on here.

This got quite long so most of it is under the cut, but shout-out to @lizzieonka and @oceaniche for their previous posts on Qiao Ling, which definitely ended up inspiring some parts of this.

So, let's start with: what do we actually know about Qiao Ling?

Qiao Ling's Background

She's first introduced as the "landlady", for all it quickly becomes apparent that her relationship with Cheng Xiaoshi isn't quite that simple. Her family "took Cheng Xiaoshi in" but there's always been some distance and that's reinforced by the whole "rent" deal. (The fact that Cheng Xiaoshi is still adamant his parents will return likely also factors in to this.) Still, Qiao Ling herself clearly sees Cheng Xiaoshi as her younger brother and is willing to stake her claim on him as family to near-strangers (we've seen it both when she met Lu Guang and Li Tianxi).

Qiao Ling's social life is clearly contrasted with that of Cheng Xiaoshi. Where Cheng Xiaoshi's first "proper" friend was Lu Guang, Qiao Ling has her own circle of friends and is fairly sociable in general (she literally found a client by befriending a stranger when she came to learn martial arts). Xu Shanshan, for instance, is very much Qiao Ling's friend despite hanging out with the collective group at uni. Qiao Ling also spoke of Cheng Xiaoshi's childhood as something that happened to him specifically, implying that she herself was spared the bullying (which makes sense considering the fact that she wasn't the one with missing parents) and so had a more "normal" upbringing. Whether she spoke up back then or stayed quiet isn't fully clarified (not speaking up against adults is one thing but what about classmates?), but Cheng Xiaoshi doesn't seem to hold it against her either way.

Nowadays, Qiao Ling's role in managing the photo shop's side-business has her interacting directly with most clients. She's the most customer-facing of the three, relaying information between clients and shiguang. This is despite her not actually knowing the full details behind shiguang's diving process until season two, which in retrospect makes it more impressive. Qiao Ling taking on the managerial role (and what is also implied to be social media advertising) also has the (unintended?) effect of obscuring shiguang's roles in the business from the public, as it's Qiao Ling who earns the nickname of "witch". It took until Xiao Li saw Cheng Xiaoshi in the CCTV footage during the Doudou case for anyone to see through this.

Key Character Moments

In terms of Qiao Ling's key moments, we have four main ones.

In Doudou arc, Qiao Ling admits she saw Doudou being taken three years ago;

In season two, at the hospital, Qiao Ling asks for some trust and to not be shut out anymore;

Qiao Ling bonding with Li Tianxi and using their shared aspects to bring her out of her shell so she would help the investigation;

The revelation that Qiao Ling did, in fact, receive some form of Lu Guang's memories from Tianxi and her dismissal of their implications.

The main thread behind all of these scenes is that they are about information and what you choose to do with it.

My thoughts are two-fold here. First, how these scenes connect with Qiao Ling's arc specifically, and secondly, how they connect with the broader themes of the series.

Qiao Ling's Arc

Doudou

Let's begin with Doudou arc. In this arc, Qiao Ling reveals that she saw the kidnapping of a child several years ago. She hadn't told anyone about this for three years and likely would have continued to have kept it to herself if not for Doudou's father approaching the photo studio. In this arc, there is the following exchange:

Qiao Ling's main regret is that she didn't do something or say something as she saw Doudou being taken away. That her inaction may have ensured that Doudou's kidnapper was able to get away with him. And she specifically says "I didn't even have the courage to step forward and provide any information." (Tangent: Funnily enough, Lu Guang is the "star of courage" in the Star Warriors later in the episode, not Qiao Ling. Qiao Ling is "star of wisdom" who is meant to "light the way". Still fitting, but in a less straightforward way.)

Now, to me, this is clearly setting up an arc, not resolving one. Qiao Ling wouldn't have offered the information if not for the circumstances. And it tells us that for all Qiao Ling has friends and is sociable, she still holds certain cards close to her chest. She doesn't want to confront the past so instead she will hold her guilt tight and not say a word. Though, as this exchange shows, she does want to have that courage. And I'll get onto this later, but this ties in very clearly with the information she later holds regarding Lu Guang.

Hospital confrontation

Throughout this entire scene, even before it becomes a "confrontation" Qiao Ling is clearly feeling guilty. She runs after Cheng Xiaoshi when he tries to leave to help the police so that she can *do something*, make up for it the best she can. Guilt and avoidance are key traits for her and they both manifest here. They're still holding her back.

And, of course, there's her statement to Cheng Xiaoshi: "You're always trying to protect me. I really appreciate it. But what I need more is your trust." Qiao Ling knows what it's like to be locked out of the loop. She didn't know the specifics of diving for months (possibly years?) and it didn't really seem to bother her (or at least she didn't give the impression it bothered her when "Xu Shanshan" asked her about it). But she has her limits. And being locked out when the situation is actively dangerous? That's clearly past those limits.

Li Tianxi

Grouping together the final two scenes, because the first Li Tianxi scene is more a demonstration of character traits as well as digging in those sibling parallels between LTC-LTX and CXS-QL. Anyway, the first scene adds more evidence to the idea that Qiao Ling is more sociable and a people person. That she could could get Li Tianxi to open up by taking a more understanding approach and showing that she gets it to some extent. She's in the same boat.

Which means when we get to the final scene, this is what ties it all together. Qiao Ling has inherited the memories Li Tianxi saw from Lu Guang. She has seen Cheng Xiaoshi's "death". She has information now. But her first instinct is to dismiss it. To avoid it and refuse to confront it because the implications are too much.

But, see, she's been in this situation before with Doudou. She's had information and done nothing with it and regretted. She wanted to have the courage to do better. This is her goal.

And the implications of these memories? Do they mean Cheng Xiaoshi is in danger? Wasn't danger her red line in the sand? Didn't she tell him that "protecting" people and "trusting" them aren't mutually exclusive?

And finally, Lu Guang isn't Li Tianxi, but isn't the scenario here at least somewhat similar? Isn't Qiao Ling in the same boat as him here, wanting to keep Cheng Xiaoshi safe? Hasn't Qiao Ling shown she can connect with people through their shared experiences?

Qiao Ling isn't a confrontational character. She's avoidant. She will wallow in her guilt and not let on until it gets too much. But she wants to do better and isn't this her chance to do something? Say something? To not just be a passive observer and be left with regrets? I don't think it will be immediate by any means, but I think for her arc to conclude properly, she will have to conclude for herself that she needs to be open with the information she has and share it. If she's pushed into it, then it's just Doudou again. But if she chooses to share the information, then that's the pay-off set up back in season one.

Broader Themes in the Show

Broader themes regarding information and withholding of it. We see time and again in this series, that characters withhold information from others.

Liu Xiao and Lu Guang with Li Tianchen and Cheng Xiaoshi respectively, both holding more information than their "partner". Refusing to share it so that they can control them. Their reasons may differ, but the dynamics mirror each other in that respect. Unhealthy dynamic number one.

Li Tianchen and Li Tianxi, never addressing what Li Tianchen is doing with their powers. It allows Li Tianchen to pretend to himself that he is protecting Li Tianxi and carrying out justice. Li Tianxi is heavily implied in her telling of their backstory to know more than she lets on with regards to Li Tianchen's actions. But the refusal of both siblings to broach the topic eventually leads to Li Tianchen going where Li Tianxi cannot follow in his pursuit of vengeance and puts Li Tianxi in the very danger Li Tianchen wanted to avoid. Unhealthy dynamic number two. (There are more than this but I'm just sticking to these to keep this from getting any longer)

To go back to the hospital confrontation, when Qiao Ling says: "You're always trying to protect me. I really appreciate it. But what I need more is your trust." When she says this? It's a direct hit against the idea that protection should involve keeping people out. And in this case, Cheng Xiaoshi does start to let her in. They do manage to have healthy communication here now that Qiao Ling has been let in on the dives and is allowed to do something to help. She doesn't want to be passive.

She knows what it's like to be locked out, to be "protected" without having her own agency respected. But now, as of end of season two, she's on the other side. She has the information and Cheng Xiaoshi is locked out.

When Qiao Ling was assigned as the "Star of Wisdom, to light the way" in the Doudou arc, that's because it's her role in the show overall. Lu Guang certainly isn't going to push forward with healthy communication; he's too committed to his path for that. Cheng Xiaoshi meanwhile doesn't have the information needed to even start a confrontation. Qiao Ling is the only one in the position to lead the way with her knowledge. To provide the route to healthy communication once more.

She is the catalyst.

(tma oc ask content warning for canon typical levels of buried fuckery)

am i the asshole for driving away my friend?

hey reddit . im posting from a throwaway bc i dont want people connecting this to my work (though i doubt youve heard of me anyways) but i think i messed up terribly and i want to know if this is something i can still fix

also sidenote sorry if my grammar or punctuation or word choice or anything of that sort are poor. i have not been sleeping well for some time

i (19m) am a video game developer. its been my passion for years now and i am currently in uni studying computer games development and programming and level design . although i have considered dropping out but thats a point for later . i post on itch io and such and sometimes i make flash games but idk if anyone reading this has played a single one

its been a bit of a hard time for me, if im being honest. i really like games and i really liked making them but i dont think im very good at programming or art or level design or any of the other things that go into the process of making a game . at least a profitable and fun one .

so i ended up coming to this computer science study group in the hopes maybe someone could teach me to be better at programming. and i met this girl. i dont know exactly how old she is, but i want to say she was maybe two or three years ahead of me in her schooling, so probably about 22. anyways lets call her E

E was studying pure computer science and wanted to do it at a high level . so of course she was pretty good at helping me with my really rudimentary programming stuff . and she was friendly and funny and we liked hanging out so we ended up being good friends . she actually complimented my games, once i got them to function, and said my pixel art was cute . my point is we were close . maybe we wouldn’t have been so close if we had anyone else, but i was still new and she was pretty lonely .

really shortly after i met her though i started having fucked up dreams. ok that’s not entirely accurate because i had been having fucked up dreams on occasion for a while . but they got worse and she showed up in them. it was all me locking her in stairwells hitting her over the head and piling earth over her body filling her mouth with mud and cement. terrible things

so i stopped sleeping. i tried not to at least. im pretty sure most uni kids pull all nighters. i know i did even when i was younger. but i wasnt studying for exams or whatever. i was just trying and trying to force myself awake and i started to lose it a bit. my grip on things. it felt like i was sleepwalking through classes and even like i was dreaming when i was awake. id nod off for a moment in a lecture and id feel dirt caked on my hands under my fingernails. and no matter how much i scrubbed and how much i knew with my eyes it wasnt there it just. refused to come off . and it felt like her blood

i don’t remember how we got on the topic but i remember she told me how she always worried a little bit about being trapped . like claustrophobia of a flavor that shows itself in locked doors and thick walls and collapsing underground stations. that made me feel even more odd about the whole thing . of course i felt awful about hurting her but that part of it was like a joke i didn’t get

and then weirdly enough i got really into nineties 3D games. they have these skyboxes that make it really obvious they’re not actually infinite . and i thought that was kind of interesting in context. like the whole world is a box you’re in so why worry so much about if the stairwell door will lock behind you

i kind of started thinking that was something i would like to replicate with my art . like if i put all my issues into one game they would be out of my brain and gone . maybe it could even be pleasant without the whole preying on my friends terror thing

so now we get to the part of the story where i fear i really really messed up . i made this game . and honestly i dont remember the development very well . sleep deprivation is a dreadful thing . i remember again and again while i was making it kind of coming to my senses not knowing where i was and finding massive parts of the game that i didnt remember making at all.

it was set in a stairwell but i dont remember buying or making the models for the door . there was a really weird kind of way the game functioned with an infinite path going up but how that functioned i couldnt tell you . and i dont remember composing the audio or where i might have downloaded it from except that i never liked to listen to it for very long . i dont know why i kept it in the game

i always showed my games to E but i really wanted her to see this one in particular. so she came by my flat and played it and then i remember she just glared at me . there was something to the look she gave me . it was like she was completely horrified and was trying to pretend she was just angry instead

she hasnt spoken to me since . and i think i fucked up . i knew it was playing at her issues and i think maybe i even made it at least subconsciously to pry at them. like the same part of me with dirt under my fingernails was also sitting there typing away on that keyboard .

but at the same time its just a game . and im better at programming now too . like something just clicked there

honestly though development lately has been weird. its been hard trying to go back to the old sort of pixel art platformers and shoot em ups and that kind of thing i used to make. every time i open any program its like im just staring at it and imagining skyboxes. putting it all in a box imprisoning every world i make that kind of thing. like i said earlier ive been considering dropping out. but i dont know. i think id need to sleep on it

i still have weird fucked up dreams but E isnt in them anymore . i dont know where shes gone . i think maybe my idea worked somehow and i did transfer all that shit to my art . and then that just all went right to her . but i dont know if i like that idea or hate it

anyways reddit am i the asshole?

I know Geto is like a big sore spote in the whole fandom and i might be a bit insane, but i do love his story specifically because i dont think there is a way to fix it

We are being shown that well, he got really depressed and went into self isolation. In most cases, the best course of action would be to remove him from distress and have time to heal. The issue is that Geto couldnt just leave — he believes he needs to kill curses, and to become stronger he needs to eat them which distresses him further, and if he leaves people will die, and he cant ignore that just to keep himself sane. For a man like him if he head a specific goal to become strong for, i dont think the eating process would have been such a big issue, but we have to have a big distinction that jujutsu sorcerer is, at the end of the day, a profession. You’re not a chosen superhero to save the world. Those growing up in clans may have a worse childhood, but growing up with understanding that yes curses exist its part of nature does make it easier to bear. Which is one of reason why Gojo, even while having all the trauma, didnt have such gripes with reasons or goals — this is a life he was born into.

Thinking of sorcery as more than a job makes you perceive yourself as more of a hero, and heroes are good and just and get recognition. Non sorcerers dont know about them. Geto fell into a trap of doing something for others and despairing. Its easier not to think about that shit when you’re naturally good at it, and you have fun — which is why Amanai situation and Gojo becoming stronger was so bad. Now he went on missions alone, which meant no company to distract him, and now it was no longer all fun shits and giggles, its a job full of tragedies. Considering Gojo was targeted since birth, we can assume he killed people before Toji, death is, unfortunately, familiar to him. Not for Geto — not seeing someone you care about die right before you, and certainly not being that close to death himself. He’s not longer the best at it, and its no longer fun, and he gets no recognition. Tobe precise, those are not bad thinks to want — we all want them. But if you dont get them here he would have been better to ya know. Find another job probably

Like the worst part about this whole thing is that some shit like that would have happened eventually one way or another, they’re not invincible. Childhood would eventually end, and in a way Geto spiraling is inevitable. The system is inherently flawed, and the issue they deal with is cruel. Some jobs are much more dangerous and have a detrimental effect on your mental health — its just that no one thought to give jujustu sorcerers some help, which is another problem. Adding the fact that he’s neither a saviour being thanked by everyone, or a strongest, yeah, he can’t figure out how to do this shit.

In AUs, I do think there are ways he could have handled it. Like if Gojo wasn’tin school, maybe he took his whole education with the clan? Or my au where he’s in a prison realm for centuries? Like yeah, sure, if Geto was the strongest, the only person here, i do think he would have probably felt invaluable. Youre great for your profession, you were born for it, why would you leave?

This may be projecting, but i do think his way of thinking about it is inherently flawed, a very slippery slope. People need a goal, a meaning, but looking for it outward is a sure way to get yourself into a slump, I went through this shit in a nasty manner when everything i did revolved around other people. Basing your decisions on what others would think is an easy way to pretend like its not your responsibility. This is why Gojo tells Megumi to be selfish and this is why during the entrance exams Yaga says that others wont appreciate your actions and you cant base your motivations off others.

Thats the ultimate tragedy, the fact that thinking like Geto did is ridiculously easy. You go into uni on the same course as your friend just to be with them and when something goes wrong your first thought would be that you did that for them, even thought its your life choices and decision. Yeah.

I have no conclusions for you, just some ramblings. I like my Geto mean and fucked up and insecure, makes him so real and relatable as a person.

I just discovered your art and it’s so beautiful!! Have you thought about sharing a process video or brush details sometime? I also use procreate and your painting work is so lovely, it’s soothing to the eyes, I’d love to learn more about it 💕

Hi!

I'm really happy you like my work so much! Tbh, I've always wanted to share my drawing process, but never ended up doing it. Thanks to your ask, I'm finally motivated to write one!

I will go over my process / brushes / and other extra things of this particular drawing... under the cut!

I will go over my process / brushes / and other extra things of this particular drawing... under the cut!

Starting out:

The most decisive part of drawing (in my opinion, anyways) is the initial sketch. I usually find myself drawing multiple preliminary sketches before going to coloring, hence why the video below is cropped in the beginning. There are so many things running through my mind as I sketch - should she look at the viewer? Should I make her cross her arms? How should how clothes flow? That sort of thing.

The most frustrating thing in art is definitely having an idea, but being unable to carry it out due the skill set not matching up. For example, most of my drawings have the characters standing there like 🧍‍♂️ I wish I can do something much cooler like having Kaine pointing her blade at Nier but I lack the skill to draw poses like that. Better yet, I want to be able to draw from different angles. One day... I swear!!

Coloring:

There's no lineart section because I barely have patience to do so loll. Back before uni started, I had enough time to go line my drawings on CSP using my tablet back home. Nowadays, I'm just drawing on my ipad whenever I can. My art style changed a lot due to this new adjustment, which is pretty funny because it's been only one semester so far.

The brushes I usually use are the following, I don't usually use anything else other than these, unless I am working with metals. I use the "glass" brush in pretty much everythingggg, from sketching to cleaning up. Lmk if anyone wants to try the brush. The edge brush is by JenClaessen , which I love to do to shade skin. The last tool I use is the ordinary airbrush. My favorite thing adding soft lighting using it!

I like to do this thing where I use the glass brush at low opacity to add a complementary color (yellow in this case) in the area where the base and shade meet (1)! Another thing I do it adding a brighter, saturated color towards the end of a round surface. This is adds shape to the 2d drawing, since there is light creeping from behind her (2).

Because my art style is highly stylized, the lighting in my pieces seem to hit harsher than reality. I make the shading where it meets the base color the darkest, and the shading gets lighter as it gets farther away, or vice versa (3). In other words, the shading near her nose is darker than the other areas on her face.

I would usually lower the opacity of the lines and change their color appropriately, to give the drawing a softer feel. Coloring is basically also my cleanup stage too. As I color, I will erase the lines and make the colors show the way instead. I would also like to note that I utilize the airbrush in skin to show texture of it, while the use the glass brush to do the intricate details in the hair/clothes.

Editing:

For editing, I usually start by copying/pasting my whole drawing then tone curving immediately. Tone curving is basically adjusting the lights and darks by manipulating this line. The line towards the right changes the lights, vice versa for the darks. I don't remember the exact configurations for this drawing, but it should be akin to this:

After tone curving, I like to slap on a gradient map for more interesting effects! Similarly to the tone curve, the colors towards the right highlight the lighter colors, and vice versa. Below are the colors I chose for this drawing. Tbh, I can't really explain why I chose these colors specifically - I think the best results would come from going with your guts and trying to use colors to match the vibes.

Honestly, with procreate's features, you can't really go wrong. Sometimes, I'd tone curve a drawing multiple. Other times I would add two gradient maps that contain different colors together, with different layer effects. The noise filter is super charming when applied subtly to the shades. The chromatic aberration makes lazy doodles polished.

-

Here is the process video. I draw multiple things in a single canvas, so I cut those bits out.

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hi i saw you write for robert shwartzman and i think he is so under appreciated especially when it comes to fanfic!! could you please write something friends to lovers with him maybe with the whole “oh no there’s only one bed i guess we have to share” trope 🥺 i would owe you my life i love your writing

summary: robert hosts a party. it doesn’t continue as it was supposed to, but it’s alright anyway.

pairing: robert shwartzman x driver!reader

warning: alcohol

wordcount: 2,3 k

a/n: this is set back in the golden prema/fda days (i miss them so much) after months i finally finished this??? it’s been an eternity, thanks uni,  love u too </3

you could hear light music mixed with laughter coming out of the slightly opened main window of the house. you just arrived at robert’s place, where he decided to host what was supposed to be something between a small gathering and a party with members of the ferrari academy, who also happened to be his closest friends.

you, marcus and callum lived pretty close, so you had agreed long ago to always share one car whenever you planned to go to a party, so that at least two people could drink, while the other remained sober to drive them safely home, and tonight the chosen driver was marcus.

when you knocked on the door, you didn't have to wait long to be met with a smiley gianluca. he didn’t hesitate to pull you in a hug, soon after passing over to the boys, giving them their usual handshake.

“hey guys, how are you? welcome in!" the brazilian exclaimed eagerly when he greeted you. as you followed the orders, you entered the house, which, to your surprise, was adorned with fanciful lights, even on the sofa where mick, jehan, and robert sat.

“i didn’t expect christmas to arrive a month earlier this year!” you exclaimed walking towards the boys with the intention of hugging them. while the first two laughed at your joke standing up to greet you, the house's owner crossed his arms and wore a pout on his face, causing an even louder laugh from everybody.

"come on rob, i was kidding. you know i love christmas." you seriously replied engulfing him. and just when he finally gave in and placed his arms around your body as a sign to both forgive you and greet you, callum talked.

"of course he knows. that's exactly why they are there."

robert actually considered for three seconds to leave his spot and kick him, but it would have been suspicious, so he opted for staying where he was, thinking of something that could save him from a possible embarrassing moment.

"i also bought your favourite gin and marcus' tequila." he shrugged his shoulder dismissively. "i want my friends to enjoy their night, so there are things around you like."

although callum almost blurted out your name, as you were the thing around he liked, on the other hand his brain stopped his mouth in time, deciding that waiting for everybody to be tipsy before putting him through that carnage would be funnier.

suddenly the main lights turned down leaving a confused expression on everyone's face, until marcus, from the side of the room where the switches were, started talking.

"now that we are all here, can we start the party?"

"yes kid, we can"

-

some hours elapsed by and the majority of the boys were tiredly sitting on the sofa, while you and mick were drunkenly putting together some moves, which i'm not sure it can be called dancing, on the light jazz that was playing in the background. you didn't know the process that brought etta james to be played, considering not even half an hour prior all you could listen to was some edm music, but since the phone attached to the speakers was roberts's, you imagined it happened by his hand. and indeed it was him, after he heard the knocking on the wall from his neighbour when he walked in the kitchen to get a drink, realizing just then how late it was and they were being way too loud.

when the song ended, you collapsed on the armrest of the sofa where marcus was sitting. noticing his eyes were halfway closed from tiredness, you announced it was your time to leave.

"cal, let's go home maybe? marc is half asleep." you asked turning in his direction. he still hadn't answered, but you immediately noticed something in his look was off.

"marcus? are you sleepy or drunk?" callum examined his flatmate noticing his slouching on the couch and, for he doesn't understand what reason, the red ears, which was the common pattern he witnesses only when he was out drinking.

"mh, sleepy and drunk. allegedly sleepy because drunk." he replied cuddling to your side seeking a soft spot to rest his head, unsuccessfully since you stood up straight away.

"marcus! you were supposed to stay sober, it was your turn to drive us home!" you shouted at the boy, fully aware that telling him this now wouldn't change a thing. not surprised, callum let his head hanging down, reflecting on the possibility of driving them home, immediately dismissing it as he drank as well.

years of training reflexes to recognize when they are not on spot to drive, useful.

you stood there looking at your friend, pondering what was the best choice to bring you home safe and sound. since all of you had too much alcohol in your body, driving was not an option, and neither was walking because your house was too far away and marcus was clearly not in the condition to do so, nor ride a bicycle.

so basically you were screwed, except for the fact that you were at robert's house and, as the good party host he claims to be, he had the right solution for you.

"i think i have enough space for everybody to sleep here," he glanced around the living room thinking about how many people could fit on his couch. "three people can stay in the guest room, two on the sofa and two in my room."

"oh my- you are a godsend rob!" you excitedly jumped on him, after he saved you from a walk of kilometres holding your drunk friend.

you weren't the only one in the room having a realization though. in fact, while you were busy hugging robert, gianluca called shotgun for the guest room, fancying some due rest on a proper mattress, and mick and jehan reflexively run up the stairs, going for the room wishing the same as the younger driver. at the end of the day, they were already supposed to stay over, without expecting anybody to mess up their plan by getting drunk when not supposed to.

"it doesn't look like marc is gonna move anytime soon," callum said with half-closed eyelids looking at his full asleep friend, "and i don't think i have the energy to do any different, so i guess we'll take the couch."

the blond boy reached for the cupboard, taking out a blanket and kindly laying it out on his academy's teammates. the older of the two thanked him with a little smile and a yawn, while the new zealander was way to gone to be minimally conscious.

then robert nodded towards the staircase, to let you know his intention to go to his room, and you followed him

"did i seriously win the spot on the comfiest bed of the house without an effort? it must be my lucky day!" you ratiocinated walking up the stairs alongside rob, who was some steps behind you since he stopped to switch off the lights of the living room to let the boys sleep more comfortably.

"are you sure you don't mind sharing the bed? i can always stay with marcus and callum" he halted temporarily in case you didn't like the idea of sleeping together in a so small space.

"of course, rob. besides, it's your bed, if anything i would be the one on the couch." you insisted turning to him, beckoning him to stick to you.

once in his room, the atmosphere change pretty drastically for the russian. having his long time crush in his personal space was a new thing for him, which got him pretty flustered, not knowing how to act. not that you noticed it, while changing into your pajamas. if you only knew how that made robert freeze on the spot. notify him next time, please.

some giggles from the adjacent room distracted both of you and saved the blonde's brain from buffering over and over again.

"did we really think it was a smart idea to leave gianluca in the same room as jehan?" you questioned ironically, "they will keep us awake all night."

"definitely"

still laughing, you and your fluffy pyjamas got under the blanket on the bed on the opposite side of where a bedside table with some of rob's stuff laying around was set, inducing it was the part where he usually slept. you moved around a bit, trying to find some comfort in the unknown environment, meanwhile the blonde changed his clothes as well, getting in an old unused t shirt and some short, which looked a bit too light for your liking, but he was surely better used to cold temperatures than you were thanks to his childhood spent in russia. after taking the spare pillow on the chair, he walked to his side of the bed pushing the one already on the mattress in your direction to offer the most comfortable one between the two. lucky me callum is not here to tease me right now, rob reflected.

sleeply, you accepted it, not wanting to start the "you take it" “no, you take it" conversation in the middle of the night, watching the other finally getting under the duvet with a satisfied look on his face.

once both of you settle in the small bed, you relaxed finding some peace to sleep, but a fresh breeze hitting you feet cause that moment to be really brief. at first, you decided it wasn't particularly bothersome, so you let it pass, but when all the warm the blanket was radiating was disappearing because of it and it became distracting for your sleep, you decided to investigate the cause.

"rob, you're too tall." watching under the duvet, you noticed he was laying with his legs straight and his feet didn't fit in the bed, leaving a gap at the end of it where the cold air could come in.

the small bed was not only narrow, but also too short.

"i know, i'm sorry. in theory the mattress is a full size, but in actuality it is a small-european size." he apologized for moving slightly to fit better, but without really knowing how.

"isn't it easier if you just bend your legs?" you suggested seeing his discomfort. in response, the blonde did what you said but towards the wall, the opposite direction of what you had in mind, putting himself in another uncomfortable position as well. "i meant in this way, dumbass."

when you brutally put a hand on his knee to pull his legs on your side he was a little taken aback. he didn't want to intrude your space, and doing so your legs were all intertwined, and he couldn't stop thinking about whose legs his were crossing. it wasn't exactly like the time he slept with marcus during a grand prix because the radiator in his room was broken.

"am i-... do you, i mean..." he started stuttering, trying to form a proper sentence while you were looking at him, which was pretty distracting if you couldn't tell. "are my legs bothering you? i can move them if you-"

"it was a pretext to get you to do something about this." the boy was interrupted by your sentence, which wasn't entirely clear to him.

"about what?" he questioned back with a confused expression on his face. what he said made you laugh a bit, you honestly couldn't tell if he was doing it on purpose or was actually obnoxious.

"we can avoid the elephant in the room any longer or you can just cuddle me like normal people that like each other usually do."

you dropped the bomb, hoping you didn't misunderstand all the signals, otherwise that would be really embarrassing, but considering all the glances, the sweet actions only aimed at you, callum's jokes and the general tension sometimes was there between you two for absolutely no reason, you assumed this was not the case.

the boy looked at you with a blank expression, processing the words. has he been so obvious, too obvious, about his feelings? or was it his friends' fault with all the remarks? but mainly:

"each other? so you-"

"yes rob, i like you."

those icy eyes were looking at you like you told him a f1 seat was his. he didn't know how to form the concept he wanted to pronounce, letting him gasping. his reaction made some insecurities crawl into you, interrupting the eye contact you were previously holding, which didn't go unnoticed by the boy, causing an immediate reaction from him.

"that's good," out of all the words existing in the english vocabulary, these were the ones that came out. seriously? so he tried to fix his mistake by adding a "i mean- it's good because i like you too."

a nervous laugh escaped your lips, followed by a push on his shoulder. that was really horribly phrased, lucky him you liked him.

"good to know. now, i've been awake for like... nineteen hours? so if you don't mind, i would postpone this conversation to next morning when both of us will have more faculties to properly talk about it. the worst part of admiting it is done, anyhow." you yawned stretching around. with your legs still intertwined, the boy started fidgeting before opening his mouth and unsurely give voice to his thoughts.

"can i still hug you?"

you felt an overload of tenderness hearing the request, accompanied by the cute expression on robert's face, typical of someone in the beginning stages of a new relationship, with a lot of adoration, but plenty of insecurities. your natural answer was to scoot over and lay your head on his shoulder, which in response received a weird entanglement of arms around your body and a bright smile.

"goodnight rob" you murmured to the boy on your side, who answered you in the same way before settling down, with silence and calmness filling the room, knowing that at least callum now will stop messing with you on your unrevealed crushes.

hi, i know you headcanon some pathologic characters to be homosexual, like Daniil, Artemy, Yulia, Stakh... what do you think their relationship with their sexuality were throughout their lives? also, i remember in one of your older answers you mentioned Daniil coming out to his mother... how exactly did that happen in your vision?

hello darling this reply has made tumblr give me that "there was an error processing your post" over 15 times now for no good reason. it's like it was too big at first but this is the same length and if you read this it means it sent. anyways.

i had posted something kiiinda similar here (below the cut) including bi characters (eva + the twins) but i had forgor to include stakh + by god i can repeat myself/elaborate (i love. repeating myself <3 for real honestly especially on this) so ooh baby here we

Dankovsky (longest because i'm writing about him so the thoughts are many) knew at a young age (like 11-12) he didn't like girls and instead did boys so he had to come to terms with it in some way Pretty Quickly. to me he was raised christian eastern orthodox, which like all christian denominations comes with its fair share of religious-specific homophobia, he wasn't particularly like. Thrilled per se. + the familial/ancestral culture comes with its own set of expectations around masculinity which homosexuality inherently challenges and the fact that he was already more into cello than like war as a kid made his father raise an eyebrow on him right. so from ages like 11-16, dankovsky was like Well i'm going to have to pretend i don't see it and hope the sky doesn't fall on my head. at around 17 it became evident that was IT really that truly what he was and there was nothing he could possibly do to not make it be this way. it came with a sort of like. acceptance that it just was going to be how it was, but he was already starting to think how he could push the Acting on It part long enough for him to maybe become busy with something else. i think as he grew up he shed the concept of "sin" as he actualized himself atheist so no "hate the sin love the sinner" for him, but you can't really pull the religious guilt out of a man raised religious ykwim. eventually as he accepted that He Was, and that by god it wasn't even a bad thing to be/started Embracing it as one more of his Transgressions (when it. not really is, a transgression comes with a degree of consciousness and will to violate a law or code, the fact that he's gay is just. how it is. that's him forever and that'd be him regardless of context etc), he started assimilating gay codes for himself (the red tie…) to be like. Yes. ykwim. he still had not met a gay person in his life so it truly felt like Him Against the World, but he started being more comfortable with the fact that he was gay. however, it still didn't stop him from started a whole… "i'm not in a relationship rn bc i'm focusing on my studies" mindset. at uni, he truly like. came into his own internally while still trying to maintain a certain ambiguousness outwardly. andrei saw right through that and, even if he's like not gay but bi, he was the first dude daniil met who was also (Loudly) into dudes. dankovsky owes andrei the first like. actual coming out to Someone else than his mommy when andrei would bait him into hanging out with other gay and bi men, dankovsky would sit in a corner not fuckin wit anyone just Soaking In The Homosexuality In The Air, and when andrei went "u got a problem with that? you homophobic?🤨" dankovsky had to go like "i don't have a problem with it at all… when it's other people" [implied: i might deal with it not too well when it's me myself]. and from that point on he was like ah fuck me [not literally] why do i bother being insecure about it. from ages 20+ he was still very much in his Married To My Work Era + as he founded Thanatica he tried to lay low to not get investigated and being very loudly homosexual was not the best way to "not make waves" so even as he settled in himself with the fact that Well he's gay and he's gonna be gay forever so he better live with it, he still stayed closeted for his safety. i think from ages 18 to current game-day 28, not getting laid pardon the frankness led to him developing like an internally Fucking Crazy relationship with love and eroticism and he might have kept himself from entering relationships because he needed someone who Understood He'd Want To Eat Him. (love wins!)

re:coming out to his momma i think she had had her Doubts for a while yknow has had her Doubts. his dad too, but from his dad's perspective it felt deeply Painful (bc when the son is gay it is the father's masculinity that is threatened.. i've spoken about it on the post i've linked in the beginning) whereas his mom didn't have that My Masculinity Threatened. dankovsky knew he was gay since age like 11-12 but only came out at around 14-15, when it became obvious for him and hard to ignore, especially as people begin to have little boyfriends and girlfriends at this age. he told his mom first because he was closest to her and she was like.

she believed him from the beginning because she had had her Doubts. for a while she didn't quite know what to do with this information as it all dawned on her that it likely meant no grandkids, no daughter-in-law to whom she could give her pretty jewelry and so on… but also i think she like. could relate her son's homosexuality to like. fucking Tchaikovsky. who attempted suicide because his marriage to a woman made him so miserable. so she was like… well. that's just how it is isn't it. she's just gonna have to make peace with it whether she likes it or not. i think eventually she came to the conclusion that she spent 9 months building him from her blood and bones and a full day putting him out in the world so it would be stupid to be mad at him for that. + that's god's doing isn't it. she can't be mad at god. and if god's mad at her son he can take it to himself. etc .

Burakh for the longest time um. Didn't know. i think he realized that about himself genuinely age 26 in the 12 days. he's going through an entire coming-of-age/coming-into-place story and i think that includes a realization story lol. i think for the longest time he just thought he didn't love anyone period. up until 20 methinks he was like "well i'm just a late bloomer". then he went to war as a medic and was like "well i'm just so fucked up in the head my mind's full of corpses that's why there's no place for love". then he went home and… lord almighty. for years he thought was just not made for love because he truly. hadn't looked the other way (he's just like me fr fr). he went from not knowing what a closet was to realizing he was in it and the door was ajar to being out and in a man's arm in the span of 12 days. he didn't really have the time to brood about what it meant for his future/himself/his relationship to his people for him to be homosexual because love slapped him across the face and he fell on his ass. as his whole story is about finding his own path and learning to cope with doing things that might not be approved of him and living with choices that are of love regardless it's truly just like. learn to cope FAST. you have way more problems. + as i think the herb brides Know i think he's not given too much grief by his community and doesn't have the religious trauma background of dankovsky. also since his parents are. well dead. he doesn't have to respond to them + his dad textually is like You're gonna have to do something boy. (and that something might displease him but that's out of his hands. and into burakh's).

.

Yulia knew early too like 12-13. she always was a tomboy as a kid and almost just like… naturally blossomed into a masc lesbian. i think from early on she was like. ok well we're coping with that. she already was going against social conventions by being an educated woman a woman in ""typically"" male professions a masculine-dressed woman so at this point the fact that she liked women that was like. well if you don't like it tough luck buddy. she always had a relatively distant (if loving) relationship with her parents so she didn't feel the need to justify herself to them + won't lie they saw it coming. they had it comin… she was not in any relationships for a while because she's kinda like Dry of a person/passionate about things most people just don't see/don't fuck with so while she is charismatic and handsome and knew she could be desired she didn't have any long-term relationship before eva because you truly need a girl who's a lil bit crazy to handle her. and vice versa. so love wins. i think that while she might not have frequented lesbian spaces like bars because her ass does not do well with crowds i think she never felt like she was So Alone like Only Lesbian on Earth. i think she did feel a sense of loneliness about it but it was also mixed with a deep sense of Well I'm Here and I'm One So Someone Like Me Exists.

.

Stakh for a little while was also that "well i'm kinda too fucked up for love" and he was also fighting for his life to be seen as a good student a good protégé a good foster son so romantic love was Far from his mind. i think he realized he was gay around age like 15-16 when it all starts to Dawn on you y'know everything Dawns on you. he was very quickly like. well that's how the cookie crumbles. i think there was a sort of immediate acceptance about the Being Gay factor but more of a restraint about acting on it because he too was like Married to The Student Behavior and didn't want to risk losing his place by isidor's side, especially since he didn't know how isidor would react to him being gay (i know what isidor did to that old man so i know he wouldn't have cared but rubin is not a mind-reader). it was truly like. well i am and i can't do much about it but i'm soo focused rn. as 18-20 came around the corner and his relationship with isidor truly felt like he was fighting for his life trying to be seen as a good student he was like I'm either going to war or becoming a monk. he was fully willing to commit to lifelong monkish celibacy because he's always been. kinda dry. kinda with issues. + i think subconsciously he was trying to not let Desire creep up on him because it would distract him from the menkhu way (nice dichotomy idiot what lies outside of it etc). he went to war [p1 lore which i abide by] and. well when you put a bunch of fit young men together away from the women of course something like this would happen. anyways he comes home having acted on his homosexuality which he is fine with + feels kinda like a weight being lifted off his shoulders but he stil hasn't tasted Desire ykwim. Want. Hunger in the lover sense. but he's like. shrugs. whatever. monk it is. he doesn't become a monk. he clings to being isidor's foster son until his knuckles go white. it ends up being for nothing. grief and anger scythe him right. and in what follows he bonds with someone who's Fucked up and who Knows Hunger and Desire and omg flushed emoji etc. (+ my belief when dankovsky comes to peter's loft to talk about god-knows-what they kinda realize pretty fast He's Just Like Me Fr and dankovsky appreciates his + peter's company kinda like he appreciated Just Sitting There surrounded by gay and bi men even if they barely talk. just knowing you're like. Not Alone. etc)

.

bit long. sorrey.

Statement of Anon (tw: Death & Depression)

Concerning their depressive self isolation.

Statement given Tuesday, July 11th, 2023

Transcript and editing by Tim Stoker, archival assistant at The Magnus Institute, London.

Statement begins...

I don’t remember a time I was scared of the dark, not really. Maybe one time but it’s been so long and I was so young that I don’t know why I was even scared. My older sister was definitely scared by it though. For quite a while, in fact...

We used to share a room, for basically the majority of our lives. At night she’d have her nightlight and the tv on, watching a dvd of one of her favourite shows. Since I was younger, I naturally disliked the shows (since that’s how siblings are sometimes) but I was mainly irritated by her having so much light and noise to sleep. I loved the complete silence and darkness of our room and almost needed it to sleep. Almost.

We eventually stopped sharing a room, mostly because we were getting older and needed our own privacy and space from each other. The last time we’d tried to have separate rooms, we’d been way younger and had missed each other a lot so we went back to sharing. I miss those days...

This time was different.

On a Monday at the beginning of June, my sister and I were sat down in the living room by our parents and told that our grandmother had died. She had been sick for a few months and had been admitted to the hospital about a month before. I didn’t know how to react. Our parents asked if we wanted the day off from school and we both agreed. I remember going out with Mum and my sister to get funeral clothes. It was the first funeral I’d been to in my life and currently the only one. I doubt it’ll be my last.

I still didn’t react. I didn’t even cry. I think I was in shock and it took a long time for me to process it. Sometime after the funeral, during summer holidays, I moved into my own room. It was smaller than the old one, the reasoning being that I never put my things away properly so there was less room for mess.

I guess my body processed what had happened faster than I did as I began subconsciously isolating myself, my brain eventually catching up. It happened at the worst time though, right as I was starting high school.

It might have been the stress and all the change that was going on that caused me to realize my gran was dead. I knew her my entire life as she and my grandpa lived in our house with us. She was there for everything and then, suddenly, she wasn’t and never would be again.

Then I truly began to isolate myself, mainly staying in my room, and I started keeping the curtains closed almost all the time to leave me in complete darkness. I liked it, the dark was comforting and I felt safe in it.

Over the next three or four years it stayed like that, me in complete darkness in my room. At some point I stopped isolating myself and made some friends in my year at school. I had a girlfriend for a bit too but we broke up and that led to me isolating again for a time.

Due to the extensive amount of time I spent in the dark, some changes started to take place. I grew paler, my hair darkened from light brown to dark brown, and I could see pretty clearly through the dark. I developed a sensitivity to light though and can barely go out on non-cloudy days without blinking in pain the whole time. Sunny days are the worst.

Then, 2020 happened and self isolation. I had joined Discord two years before and, when I saw a Tiktok of a Twitch streamer I checked them out, then joined their Discord server. I made friends and connected with people, feeling happier.

I eventually stopped being friends with those people as our friendship wasn’t truly healthy and naturally fell apart. Having friends that actually felt like friends helped though. I connected more with people in my year at school and, when I dropped out to go to uni, I connected quickly there too. Now I have friends on Discord where the relationships are healthy.

I’m happier now. I don’t have to rely on the darkness and isolation to feel comfort... Still, I sometimes keep my curtains shut.

Statement ends...

Not sure if this is really a supernatural event but if it helped them then I guess it works. Anon is possibly being monitored by the Lonely or the Dark but, as this is an anonymous statement, there’s no way we can do followup to see if they’re okay... I hope they are...

Okay…so…before anyone jumps on me, I need to make this clear that this isn’t anything serious.  I couple of months ago, I got my muse semi on Mirror Image, as it tends to go from time to time (maybe I heard a song that I associate with it?), and I was just musing around with it.  I mean, the concept behind it is pretty good, and I was entertaining the idea of how they got to Melohida in the first place.  The idea of them popping into different bodies came up, and I was laughing at the idea of Sethos being a nearly fifty year old person because @anijeltaventryery is…um, you know, is a similar situation.

And then I was like wait…OMG, that is brilliant!

And then went on a couple of rampage about it, and then abandoned the project until yesterday, when it crossed my mind again.

Now the whole reason I’m posting this is just because I’m sure the others involved in the story would be curious about the idea, and because, well, I really like the ideas that went with it (the ones that I remember).  But the thing to note is that these are not the original characters that were created, but rather literally my own versions.  (I was told I couldn’t use the original names, which I understand completely, but it’s annoying, because after nearly twenty years, I, of course, associate the names with the characters.)

Okay, so left to right, we have Shizuka, Sekani, Aurelia, Friga, Geoffrey, and Astrid.

With Sekani, Aurelia, and Friga, I attempted to come up with similar names as the original versions, but probably failed at that, lol.

In any case, the general idea is that these characters are all in their thirties, with the exception of Shizuka, who’s twenty-nine.  They all happen to have reasons to be around an archeological dig – Shizuka is an actual archeologist, Sekani is her husband who surprised her with a visit, Aurelia I’m not sure around but I’m thinking she is some sort of manager there, Friga was there photographing the finds, and Geoffrey was there researching a novel he was writing.

They were all in one specific spot one day when they were isekaied off to Melohdia with absolutely no recollection of their past and how they got there.  They wind up in their Electus Uni’s bodies, all of them teens, because they all went through with a suicide pact at the same time. 

They do eventually figure out who they were, but it’s a slow process.  The thing of it is, though, that none of them have family to go back to – Shizuka’s pretty much disowned her for marrying Sekani, Sekani left home at eighteen and hasn’t looked back, Aurelia was raised by her grandmother who passed away about ten years ago, Friga recently lost her father, who raised her alone, and Geoffrey is an orphan who was passed around from foster home to foster home growing up. Sure, they have some friends and colleagues, but nothing really connecting them to Earth.

Shizuka and Sekani do figure out who each other are, which kickstarts the process of remembering everything, but until then, they are attracted to each other, but never act on it.  They remember they’re married (they were going through a bit of a rough patch prior to being isekaied, mostly because Shizuka’s been busy with work and Sekani bounces between jobs – they still love each other and were making it work, but they were drifting a slight bit) and that they love their spouse, but nothing beyond that.  It supposed to be one of those things were you’re sort of rooting for Shizuka and Sekani to get together, but also not, since Shizuka’s married and trying to get back to her husband, and then whom!, turns out Sekani was her husband the whole time!  And that, OMG, the others were people Shizuka already knew as well!

But where dose Astrid fit into all of this?  Well, Astrid was isekaied about two years before the others, and Astrid is just an alias.  In reality, she’s Leilani from the island kingdom, and she was tricked into posing as the Baldurnan (for the lack of a kingdom name) Uni.  She grew up with toxic parents, and thus, is very eager to make people like her, which is why she gets sucked into the scheme.  Of course, there already is a Baldurnan Uni, so this created a wee bit of a problem.  But Lelani is a fully actualized Uni, and the people of Melohida have no idea how any of this works, so they assume that Friga is a fake.

Which then causes all sorts of problems with the other Uni, since now people are beginning to doubt them, which leads to their suicide pact.  The dumb thing is Astrid looks nothing like a Baldernan, which is a Scandinavian based kingdom, and yet no one picked up on that.  But that’s mostly because the island she comes from is largely undiscovered at this point.

The plot is basically the same – they’re forced to fight Atalo until it comes to light that the real villain is his father and all that nonsense.  They also find that they can use magical powers – Shizuka has a weird fighting ability that she’s able to use any weapon she touches, Sekani is the healer, Aurelia ha holy powers, Friga is stupidly strong and also an axe welder, and Geoffrey is a magee.  I’m not sure what Astrid’s deal is, but I guess I can make her deadly accurate with projectiles?  That works.

As for the designs themselves, I basically tried to distance them from the designs of the original characters with the exceptions of my characters.  So Sekani has wavy hair, Aurelia’s bun is on the top of her head and not the nape of her neck, and Friga as straight hair, lol.  Woo, such differences.  Friga originally had a skirt as well, but then I had the idea of what is she was the sort of girl who prefers pants?  Because they all do end up modifying their outfits slightly. (Capris and undershirt for Shizuka, pants and shirt for Seknai, undershirt for Aurelia, and undershirt for Geoffrey.)  It’s just that Friga modifies her’s the most.   

And the reason why they have colored hair is because of the fact that they’re in different bodies, and that’s the standard for the people.  Like, I sort of wanted to also do the Guide designs, but figured I’d toss this out just because I had it.  But Ariadne, when she brought them over, did shift their eye colors to their original colors for whatever reason.  (She also sends them with important jewelry/tattoo, with the expectation of the wedding bands, which appear after they figure out who each other are.)

Honestly, I’m pleased with how they all turned out.  I mean, I’ll most likely never do anything with this, because it feels wrong to use other characters, but at least the designs turned out pretty!               

I thought to share that after asking you what are Zettelkasten I finally do have the real usecase now in my uni life... the concepts from different courses are starting to connect and I am struggling in my currect structure-based note taking. So idk, I just... wanted to thank you for introducing the method to me, I really like how the structure and principle itself is simple and I am excited to finally try it out in practice! (you can use this ask to say anything you want about Zettelkasten, I will be obsessed with them for the foreseeable future so any rant you write I will love)

Hey!! Very happy to hear the method might help someone else! Good luck with it and I'd love to hear how it goes, hope it ends up helping you as much as it helped me. For my part right now what I have to say is that building it has slowed down a lot since the beginning since I'm no longer working from a large backlog of things I need to store there (I mean a large backlog of knowledge I haven't put into the Zettelkasten still very much exists but getting through it isn't a current priority and I have most concepts I'm currently actively using already in there) but what is coming up is how useful being able to look things up in it is to keep me from having to retread all my steps whenever I look at something I haven't used in a while (or rather very much speed up the retreading my steps process, since the idea is that rather than having to go "where did this come from?? Let me try to find some other notes that explain it" there will be a link to exactly where it came from!).

I will warn you that Zettlr has recently gotten increasingly buggy with its implementation of LaTeX though (and most frustratingly no longer parses the environment I used to use to make commutative diagrams) so if you haven't picked an app yet I might recommend a different one if you'll be using LaTeX a lot. (Maybe Obsidian? Never tried it myself but I heard good things about it, though it isn't open source like Zettlr is). On a more positive note though the app now does its own graphs to let you see how your notes are connected now! (I don't remember if you were there when I made my "look at my boy" post about this).

Since you wanted to hear me rant, I think I'm just going to copy the text from some meta notes I have in my Zettelkasten on using the Zettelkasten! This will get probably extremely long (and not be reflective of the actual structure of said notes since I'm removing the links and putting multiple notes together into an essay) so only read past here if you really really want to. To imagine the structure this would have in the actual zk, the big headings correspond to organisatorial pages and then each bullet point with a number next to it links to an individual note containing the text I will put under the bullet point; other numbers formatted like this [[insertnumbershere]] are links to other notes outside the scope of this essay but I'm not editing them out so you can see how/when I link things. On that note some of this may be difficult to follow because I use my own vocabulary that I've built up in linked notes; if you (or anyone else who for some godforsaken reason decides to read this) actually read enough to want explanations please shoot another ask!

Also obviously these rules are rules for me adjusted by me, the whole point of the system is flexibility to adjust to your thinking style so don't feel tied to them or anything. Also disclaimer again that this was written for me to be read/understood solely by me and may be very hard to follow for anyone else, so take what you can from it if you feel like it.

Rules for Zettelkasten

Atomicity [[20220807142537]]

"Concept" is loosely defined [[20220125144819]]; when dealing with a packed concept, atomicity requires that zettel deals only with how to bring the strands together, and not the details of each individual strands. Where the details are relevant they can be brought in through links to a zettel dealing solely with that strand. Allowed exception: "organizatorial" zettels that exist to list multiple examples/manifestations of concept. Maths zettels may require proof with many components. If component can be separated neatly as lemma, make new zettel for it. If component does not make sense independently, split proof into steps and make each step a sub-section of zettel.

Connectivity [[20220807142751]]

Links

Links must be meaningful. A basic topic can be linked if it has significant relevance to the concept of the current zettel. Significant relevance means the structure of the current concept mirrors [[20220524234710]] or is induced [[20220531114751]] from the structure of the linked concept. Mechanistically important details can be elaborated on in footnote. This implies linked zettels should be similar in complexity; significantly less complex concepts are likely to play only a mechanistic role in more complex concepts. "Similar" does not mean equal; natural tendency for links to go from high complexity to low complexity is inevitable and shouldn't be eliminated. Probably best to keep those steps reasonably small. Good if a zettel can link to similar complexity concepts. Practical strategy to ensure it: if simpler concept can be reached following chain of links, do not link directly. Sometimes there is no direct link between concepts, but there is a parallel; in these cases create extra zettel in which to note parallel. (Think of like coproduct [[20220523141540]] in category theory.)

Tags

Tags offer indirect connection of grouping many zettels under same concept. If too many zettels are grouped this way, no longer useful as connection. Need broad range of specificity in tags, from tags that are direct enough to offer a similar degree of connection to actual links, to tags so broad they serve primarily to count how many zettels there are under a particular topic.

Emergence [[20220807143006]]

Structures should emerge naturally from connectivity. For this to occur it's necessary for a lot of connections to be formed; amount of links should be maximised up to constraints given by other rules. Structures should not be forced, but you should know how to note and make record of what appears. Example of structure emerging is zettels being linked to zettels close in level of complexity Organizatorial zettels add some level of structure Concept sinks [[20220223141256]] are another form of structure that may emerge. While some concept sinks may be important, best to avoid allowing basic/trivial concepts to become concept sinks; this can be done by strictly enforcing need for meaningfulness in links.

(note for tumblr users reading this: a "concept sink" is what I call a note that gets notably much much more links than the average note, presumable because a lot of concepts lead back there)

Top-down [[20220807143415]]

Emergence [[20220807143006]] often referred to as "bottom up" construction; however, exists also use for top down construction. Easier to assure connectivity [[20220807142751]] by starting with a "bigger" concept (in "packed concept" [[20220125144819]] terms) and filtering into smaller sub-concepts; sub-concepts guaranteed at least connection to bigger concept, so there is somewhere clear to go. Could refer to this as top-down construction.

Interest/Relevance [[20220807144743]]

Zettels should not be dictionary entries. If there is nothing interesting/new to say about an idea, there is no need for a zettel just to state its definition. If an idea is not interesting but offers a useful link, use a tag. Exception to rule 1 made in mathematics and other areas where definitions are essential Amendment: Definitions may play same role in zettelkasten as primary data

Modes of Use Zettelkasten

Extracting knowledge from memory [[20220322161655]]

Introspection is the process of bringing information already internalised [[20220316215442]] back to consciousness to be re-assessed or recontextualised. (Usually the word is used to refer to information about self that was originally processed subconsciously). Requires ability to block out external stimuli to avoid distraction [[20220124155258]], but cannot occur well under overwhelment [[20220204212805]] as by the time that occurs all processing powers have been exhausted. Re-contextualisation allows building new connections, either between things previously seen as disparate, or between the concept being brought to the surface and things that have been discovered after it was first internalised. [[20220127164837]] Zettelkasten can aid introspection by using links to bring things back to the surface that would not otherwise have been remembered.

Establishing new knowledge from external source [[20220316215442]]

Information is integrated when it is allowed to pass from "out" state to "in" state of membrane [[20220124155258]]. Once in "in" state, it should be easily accessed and incorporated into mental processes. Bringing information into "in" state requires:

Binding [[20220125144819]] - concepts of a certain complexity require ability to be seen as units to be integrated; otherwise, they will contain too many parts for brain to hold at once, and attempting to may lead to overwhelment [[20220204212805]].

Membrane must be open to letting information pass through.

Easier to integrate if it builds on [[20220127164837]] already existing structure - e.g. answers question prompted by pre-integrated information.

Creating new ideas/conclusions [[20220322161655]] Reviewing external source Editing Finding specific note Reading/exploring [[20230124150130]]

Ways of exploring:

Begin in register. Refresh main concepts of a topic and wander down link paths to smaller details. Good for quick refresher but likely to re-tread well known paths. [[20220223141256]]

Look up particular zettel you remember, follow link path to places you don't remember. Risk of leading to dead end quicker than desired.

Pick interesting tag and browse it. More likely to bring up interesting things you don't remember but less focused than previous strategies. Requires good variety & specificity in tag use.

Adding internal structure

40 looks so good on you, Ms. Rosie! I hope I’m as cool as you when I’m 40. I’m currently 28, and aging kind of scares me, but it’s people like you that make me feel like there’s nothing to be scared of. 🩷 Thanks for sticking around the internet (specifically Fall Out Boy spaces) as long as you have, it’s always quite a treat to see you on my dash. Have a good day!!

Aw, thanks dude! That's such a nice thing to say (I think you may be mistaken about exactly how cool I am, though). I know I'm really fortunate that having Sicilian genes and a chubby face disguises some of the ageing process, but bear in mind that (as with most people) the pictures I share are probably one or two out of 30 I took to find a couple from a good angle, with good lighting, possibly a Norfolk Terrier or a scarf over my chin to hide how many of them I've cultivated in the last 20 years... I also tend to keep my make up (except my eyeliner) quite natural, because I find that helps keep you looking fresh faced - but that principle shouldn't dictate what you wear.

Here is my stupid face right now, without make up and with unwashed hair. I developed adult acne after having immaculate skin when I was a teenager, possibly because my dog keeps standing on it or licking all over it. I have OCD and what is (appointment pending) probably about to be diagnosed as ADHD, so I'm a chronic skin picker, hence the scars all over my chin and forehead. I've also got fine lines under my eyes, bottom lip and on my forehead, but automatic settings on modern phone cameras kind of smooth the worst of them out.

The whole thing about getting older can be scary, but mostly because we've all been raised on the Boomer-generation's expectations, through movies, TV, adverts and the like, and a lot has changed. We're really fortunate to live at a time where being yourself is much more acceptable than it used to be, in most (although sadly not all) cases. Every advert you see is specifically designed to make you feel inadequate and make you fear irrelevance, but only so they've got an excuse to sell you something you can live without. Whether that's a fancier car or anti-wrinkle cream.

You don't actually have to do the stuff that really ages you, unless you want to. You can keep going to shows (to be honest, gigs have got so expensive we see more people our age there than younger people, who often struggle to afford what bands are asking). You can keep wearing band shirts. You can keep dying your hair and getting tattoos. You can keep being passionate about it. You're a grown ass adult, it's down to you to make your own choices. You don't have to give up what you love, but sometimes you have to be creative about the time you find in which to enjoy it. And you'll appreciate that more.

I've never wanted kids, so I haven't had any.

I never went to uni, but I fell into a career that pays me alright, and it's not an industry I care a lot about (I'm a gas safety contract manager) but I see it as a resource that allows me to do the things that I really want to, the rest of the time.

It's important to remember to live your own life, not the life someone else - anyone else - wants you to. You have to be pragmatic, obviously, and if you choose to settle down with another person then give and take will always be necessary, but don't ever let someone tell you what you can and can't be interested in because of your age (except you, Prince Andrew) or what you can or can't spend your own spare time and disposable cash doing. Keep loving the things you love, if they still captivate you. Fuck anyone who would tell you otherwise! It's the joylessness of giving up your identity to become nothing but your life obligations that costs you the most.

For my part, I'm pretty squarely between Patrick and Andy, age-wise. Fall Out Boy are my generation. We've grown up together, in a fannish sense. It's not like a TV show might be, where the characters are still young and I've gotten old in the last 18 years, they're still relatable to me, even now. Which is probably a lot of the reason I'm still here, specifically.

Watching the waves of new fans discovering the band over the years has been fun, really. Partly because it makes us truly geriatric emos feel like mystical sages sitting on the lonely mountain tops of Old Timer Fandom, offering anecdotes from bandom drama long ago, to young adventurers who approach us with news from the mists of TikTik to ask if things really happened, and witnessing the same things happening cyclically, every couple of years.

New blood means Pete will feel validated and Patrick will feel relevant they'll continue to feel they have something to offer/sell (look what happened when an album didn't do as well...) and it's hard to fault that.

Focus on enjoying your life and your interests as they are now (although do think about saving some of your money when you can, because you'll thank yourself later) and fuck worrying about everything else. You'll find you don't feel any different, when you get where I am, than you do now, anyway.

You have a good day, too. And thanks again for saying such kind things. xoxo

I was so surprised to read on here and the notes left on your fics that you have yet to read Fire and Blood because your characterization of Jacaerys is so book canon rather than show canon (which is very insulting to Jacaerys, we are all very lucky that Harry is stunning).

I believe your characterization of Aemond is show only right ? probably a good think, cause to be honest there’s nothing worth ish in book canon Aemond, except for: delusions, misogyny (his obsession with Rhaenyra’s vagina is ugh get a job) and cruelty.

f&b is high on my reading list bc honestly as good of a summarizing job the wiki does, it's not the same as having the whole thing for reference, but i wanna wait until i have a print copy of it just bc i feel like trying to read it online would give me a headache/make me feel like i'm reading another thing for uni (which means i'd end up zoning out on principle).

i'm glad my characterization of jace seems so in line with his book version tho!! i do adore harry's portrayal, it's not as good as what george's written of course but that's on the fault of the show writers/directors than harry himself, and i try to blend show!jace into my characterization as well. that being said, since we're still only on s1 of hotd and even that has given us confusing/contradicting/downright illogical writing choices, it just makes more sense to lean more towards how jace is described in the book. also just, book!jace is so endlessly compelling?? his clear love for his family, his devotion to rhaenyra and their cause, his ability to lead, his cunning+dutiful nature, but also his fierceness and fire (him calling vhagar a hoary old bitch is so personal to me LMAO), his relationship with the dragonseeds, the ultimate tragedy of his life fjsks i could go on and on. the fact that george gives him so many admirable traits while leaving a lot open for interpretation (since f&b isn't written with their povs like asoiaf) also just makes my job as a writer even more fun bc there's so much room to play.

anyway onto the part of your ask that's harder for me to respond to (tbh can it still be called an ask if it's not even really a question? idkidk it's in my askbox so i'm gonna refer to it as such lol)

aemond's characterization is a more complicated affair for me bc while i am heavily leaning into his show characterization (like harry, ewan offers such a stunning portrayal), i also?? don't wanna run the risk of defanging him? from what i've seen of book!aemond, like you mention he def reads as creepy+dirtbaggy (his incredibly gendered fixation on rhaenyra truly makes me want to yak) and while ctf!aemond isn't quite so unbearable, he's also not too saintlike either. bc FMF and CTF are both written from jace's pov, there's a lot that isn't being shown in general but especially with what's going on inside aemond's head and well... let's just say aemond's thought processes aren't all that pretty. in a way, bc of how FMF and CTF are told through jace's eyes and jace already has a lot on his plate to deal with, there's a lot of things he isn't noticing and certain assumptions he makes that aren't as reliable as he thinks.

still, there's a very clear line btwn aegon and aemond in my head while i'm writing (i thought i'd clear this up bc i don't wanna worry anybody and make CTF!aemond seem unlikeable and therefore uninteresting as the male lead). it's just that one of aemond's big appeals to me is how dangerous he is and how, unlike daemon, it's much easier for him to fall on the dark side of the spectrum rather than true gray. he's wrestling with a lot of demons, some he'll win against and some he'll lose, but i believe it was @everythingstucky who once aptly likened my writing of CTF jacemond as jace saying "i can fix him but i won't, if he knows better he'll do it himself and aemond knows better" and to this day, i stick by this description. ultimately, for all his flaws, my characterization of him is steeped in hope for more.

there's a lot of growing aemond's doing offscreen, and a lot of growing he'll be doing with jace, so even though i might not end up writing him as charitably as some people want, i love his character bc he has such a generous capacity for both light and dark. him canonically being kind of a loser for me just means that when he finally does learn, and things do go his way, it feels all the more earned and you can get a sense of pride abt how far he's come/improved

this was all very long and rambly of me but i hope my message came through anyway. and if it didn't, i'm always happy to clarify (barring of course, any spoilers😉)💕💕

short year-end reflection

just reflected on my year and here is a very brief run through

Content consumption: I wanted to read/watch 12 things one a month and I got 15/12 books and 10(.5) shows/movies in which, though most of the books were actually short Lovecraft stories I think they count regardless and I had a good time finding new content. Also listened to new music and that is 27 new playlists this year because it is my coping mechanism

Writing: very proud that I managed to write about 15k+ words this year as I wrote a lot more spontaneously and used it as an outlet for my emotions which is a winwin. Glad that I removed the mindset of having to write some big project for it to be writing and instead now have just a bunch of short pieces here and there which I am rather proud of

Fitness/health: Better this year, I ran 169km and kind of consistently worked out, went to the gym when I still had access to it. Kind of slacking off since As but I will get back.

In terms of less tangible things like social i think i did a lot better this year, I opened up more to others and stopped sacrificing social life, and that has brought me a lot of joy and meaning. I got close to my soccer team during competition season during the first half of the year, and then making new friends in class, people who last year I would not have thought would be some of my closest friends and most important people in my life today. Perhaps as a whole having a better senseo fmyself from last year also let me be a better friend and better person and go into my social life with greater openness.

As a whole this year has been eventful like last year with so many periods of intense joy or stress or sadness. I was tugged along on this journey especially one that is ramping up towards the ominous Future that is looming ahead (uni apps...), and I was confronted with new emotions new experiences new parts of myself that I had yet to meet proper. I do not think I did as well as I could this year: there are things that I am nowhere near ready to reflect on because I have yet to find a means to process it and accept it, but overall I am satisfied and I think I have largely done what I wanted and enjoyed myself. Thank you to everyone here, it's been a hell of a year. Here's to a fulfilling 2023!

I was tagged by @epersonae to discuss my writing process and strap in because it’s fucking strange! 💕

Do you write in order?

100%. Unfortunately I am rather stupid, so my brain can’t maintain coherency if I need to go back and revisit something. It needs to be completed in order. This has in fact led to more than one frustrated breakdown about fic. I will go from Point A to Point B if it kills me. If I don’t know what to do next, I can’t just do the vague -insert short line here about what they’re doing and come back to it later-. I will sit there, completely stuck, until it occurs to me. I do not recommend this and I am also insane.

How fully formed does your writing come out the first try?

About 85%. Once I have that first draft, I look it over and find typos or missing words, etc. Once it’s cleaned up, I start to fix things that don’t flow right or sound strange in my head.

How many drafts do you go through?

Usually one. I will use a second draft if I get really really stuck and have to start again. But I don’t tend to use a whole bunch of drafts, I just keep tweaking the first until it’s in a place I’m happy with.

Tell me about your process.

Please keep in mind that I am very deranged so this almost completely does not make sense.

I usually sit down in bed with a cup of tea or some ice water and start writing. Usually I will have music playing out loud because if I’m using headphones - even though I love them usually - they will make me feel overwhelmed. I play music out loud very very quietly or, if I need to concentrate real hard, I write in silence. And then I just go.

After I get that first word vomit onto the page, I fix it up until it’s legible. I read it over paragraph by paragraph and fix each one as I go.

Then! This is the weird bit!

I have all of my work saved to my microsoft 365 account, which means I can access it from any device that has the app. So! If I’m inspired through the day — usually at work, I can add to it from my phone. In fact, I also do a lot of my writing first thing in the morning straight from my phone. Don’t ask why that happens, I haven’t an answer.

Anyway! After a shift at work, I will sit in my car on the rooftop parking lot of my building, and read my stuff aloud to myself.

I was talking to @skysofrey about this yesterday (while I was sitting in my car and talking to her lmao it’s a safe space <3) but, I used to think doing this was strange. Like 12 months ago I would have punched myself in the throat for even thinking it. But they taught us about this method at uni (thank you, Ursula K. Le Guin I love you forever and ever) and now I can’t finish a piece without reading it aloud first.

Once it’s been read aloud, the wonderful and amazing @tisziny beta reads it for me (I owe them my life) and then I make according adjustments. And then it’s done! :D

I will (no pressure ofc) tag @blakbonnet @wearfinethingsalltoowell @chocolatepot and @abigailpents and also anyone who feels like joining in!! This was fun!

UNIT 1 - EVALUATION

My project was inspired by what I experienced on the bus everytime I went to University and wanted to find out if other people experienced the same things I did. To figure this out I made a survey and sent it out to the course and the results further confirmed that there is a very big difference in mood on the way to university and the way home.

When I was originally planning my final outcome I wanted to make a double sided flipbook, where if you went left to right it showed the journey to uni and if you went the other way it showed the way home. However, I had to make adjustments  as I would not have been able to complete it in time. Furthermore, then it would have looked very messy doing double sided pages as the paint and pens bleed through the page. Because of this I decided to just make the flip book go one way and added a clock in the middle to show the change in direction of the bus. When I finished the book and flicked through it I realised you couldn't see the whole page which was a bit disappointing so I decided to take a photo of every page and turn it into an animation. I'm really happy with how this turned out.

I think I managed my time reasonably well throughout the unit as I had lots of time to complete my final outcome and did not have to rush it towards the end.Looking back I think maybe I could’ve spent more time on research as I was stressed about not having time to finish the final outcome. 

I received lots of feedback about how I will show the difference in mood and emotion and I spent a lot of time thinking about what colours I will use and how many people there will be on the bus to show the contrast between the way there and the way back. I chose dark and bleak colours for the way there and only one person sat alone on the bus. For the way back I had a bright coloured sky with blues, yellows and pinks and had people sat together on the bus to show the difference.

I think I definitely need to practise more with experimenting during the design process instead of just jumping to my first idea. This is definitely something I want to work on during my next projects.

Throughout this unit, I've attended many workshops that I've really enjoyed. My favourite workshop was definitely the risograph, this is definitely something I would like to use more in the future. The book binding workshop inspired me to create a book sleeve for my flip book. I think this really elevated the way it looked, it made it look more professional and finished.

When reflecting on my flip book, the improvements I would want to make was adding more drawings throughout the book so it flows better, some of the pages jump forward a bit too much. I also wish I had added something in the book to show them arriving at uni, for instance maybe a couple drawings of the uni bus stop. I think this would have emphasised that it was a journey to university.