#im very proud of myself but im very tired and i hated this work because it was sooo much work | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

limeade-l3sbian · 1 year

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This is a controversial very anti feminist opinion of mine, but it genuinely pisses me off lately when I see women disparage their own features online, for example in tiktoks and in tweets. It’s not that I don’t get how they have become insecure or what it feels like. I’m very familiar. But I feel tired of all the self degradation that’s just become the norm. I’m tired of people themselves feeding into it. I’m tired of them spreading their insecurities. Im tired of seeing girls and young women in the replies say “oh i didn’t know this was a bad feature.. now i’m self conscious too”. Spreading hate about yourself eventually hits people who look similar or share even just one similarity. And seeing these types of posts get 100k+ likes and everyone having a sob fest about how unfortunate and “ugly” they are, makes me nauseous atp. I used to feel bad but now I’m just fed up. And people do it irl too. Go to therapy, get a diary, do anything productive instead of constantly sucking the energy out of the room or online place you are. Your looks don’t make you an eyesore, your self pity does.

Regardless of how unpopular it may be received, I agree with you 100%.

I think what annoys me is both ends of this spectrum. You have the women who really do believe this, to which I suggest that a life of pursuits in things other than appearance heavy ones will greatly buffer this constant desire to look perfect and "presentable". I still have body issues myself, but I'm not nearly as deep in them as I was in high school when I had too much time on my hands to worry about things like that. I'm not saying "get a job then you'll see how much it doesn't matter!" but also...kinda?

But not just work. Hobbies. Socializing with friends (FRIENDS). These things engage your dopamine so much I PROMISE YOU how you look will take a backseat. Because I know exactly what videos you're talking about. I see them all the time and roll my eyes harder than I could possibly express in a gif.

But then you have the other end. Women who know what they're doing. Making up new insecurities that they themselves likely don't even really concern themselves with. Rather, they're complaint about only having "naturally half curled eyelashes" (idk if that's real i just made it up) is meant to prompt ass kissing comments that say "you think you have it bad..?" and "no! you're so gorgeous!". That is if they're not trying to sell some useless product to help you sate this newfound insecurity.

I'll be the first to defend and give the benefit of the doubt to women. But the ones who abuse this new climate of female empowerment piss me off to no end. I retain far more pity for teenage girls because that is a hard fucking time in terms of self image. But for grown women in those comments who, like you say, are like "now i have a new insecurity." I'm sorry, but if it was that easy? You were either looking for something new to add to your proud list of why you're "so ugly" or you are far too vulnerable to be using the internet for anything social media related.

#ask

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thestarsofpines · 10 months

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okay depression time. rant and possibly triggering stuff ahead

i see all this amazing art of hijack and vld and all i think of is how i feel my art has stagnated over the years, especially after graduation from college. i try hard to turn that jealousy into inspiration but fuck it’s hard. especially seeing how young some of these amazing artists are and it just makes me feel…like ive missed my time, i guess. im so proud of these artists, but jealousy is a bitch and i wish i could fully eradicate it from my being

jealousy makes me feel gross.

i know i need to just, keep drawing but it’s hard too, i guess i’m in an art block because very few of my sketches i even want to try and finish. and those that i do i don’t like the end product, so it feels like a waste but i know it’s not!! i know it’s productive to keep drawing and practicing but…i don’t know. i don’t know what to do to make myself happy with my art. practice yes obviously but i feel like i want to draw in so many different ways and do different things and try stuff way above my skill level

i’m just tired, man. like, of life in general. job searching is hell, student loans start up soon and without a source of income outside of unemployment im so stressed about that. i’m switching doctors for my mental health stuff because i’m on six different meds and none are really helping enough to the point that i don’t want to not exist. like, i don’t actively want to kill myself, but i also don’t want to be here, existing as i am. and that scares me to admit, obviously. i’ve stopped cutting but i still scratch and hit myself when i get overwhelmed with emotion, and don’t even get me started on my perception of myself. i hate how much weight i’ve gained and how little i’m motivated to change my habits to combat it. i want to be healthy but i don’t have the energy to put in the work to make my lifestyle better.

this got way off topic and honestly made me upset but i guess it’s better than bottling it up. my dad is here for one more day before he flies back to ohio and part of me wants him to stay because he helps me keep on track with job searching and eating regular meals and not sleeping all morning. but i know he needs to go back home to my mom and that i need to be a damn adult and do this shit on my own. i’m 26 for fucks sake. but here i am back on tumblr like i was when i was 16.

…at least now i can drive. i got over that fear out of pure necessity by making myself move multiple states away for a job i wasn’t even in love with. so like, i know i can overcome shit, i don’t know how looking back to be honest. i feel like i need a kick like that again but i don’t think i’m mentally stable enough for that.

fuck this just made me feel worse. mostly. ugh.

#shut up lily #shut up sage #trigger warning #tw: mental health #tw: sucidal thoughts

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cowboyjen68 · 2 years

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sent in an ask a while back about my struggles identifying as a butch despite being seen as one, lived as one, bullied as one, and hated out of being one, then went on T and am completely lost right now. i have a partner who i love, who is transmasc and very fem and loves that about himself, and i dont feel right claiming the label of lesbian. grew up in the midwest, lots of trauma, etc.

happy update!

my brain got sorted out. i turned 21 yesterday, and decided im tired of it all. ive been off T for about half a year now, and i feel a lot better. yesterday i went out and bought myself clothes that make me feel hot and masculine and very obviously butch. ive switched from unhealthy binding to sports bras. im tired of labels. im butch, i have several partners who love me, and im tired of being pushed out of every community im a lived and experiencing part of. i want to work on my dysphoria and ive started on my physical health too, gotta get those big arms and legs for holding and hiking.

thank you for being an inspiration to me for years now. your pages are one of my top searches on Instagram and here. many butches in smaller groups have loudly accepted me as one of them again, im feeling really good.

I am very sorry I am late to the game in answering this. Vacation and work have put me so far behind in many ways.

First, I am so very proud of you that you allowed yourself, your health, your heart and mind to lead the way and didn't let external pressure or information shove you in a direction that did not feel right.

It is not the same, not in many ways, but in my younger years I did very unhealthy things because the world decided for me that being straight was the way to be accepted. When I found lesbians role model AND listened to what I WANTED i realized that the acceptable and generally encouraged path was going to be detrimental to my health, happiness and very future. I stopped living a life for my society and started figuring out that it was MINE to live.

Butch is such a natural way of being for me and sounds like to you. It is getting our feet under us when others try to carry us away on waves of their own biasis and influences (often with good intentions) that gets us off track.

It is so wonderful to hear that your friends and partners embrace you for you and are not asking your to tweak or hide or twist your words or your life to fit a narritive that is not for you. Congratulations on picking wonderful people to be in your life.

Get youself to a women's festival. The Tug O War game needs you and your muscles. LOL. Dm me for details or google search in your area.

Happy belated 21st birthday!

#lesbian #butch

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1lovesickfangirl1 · 11 months

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how to write?? (tom rizzotto x reader)

summary: you're having a hard time writing a fanfic and tom helps you out.

word count: 536

a/n: okay so originally i was gonna write some gushy romance because i need some good tom fluff in my life, but then i realized im no good at that stuff. people say write what you know, so im writing about having a breakdown over writing (but seriously tho pls take care of yourself, your hobbies should be fun)

You've been rewriting and staring at your screen for the past 30 minutes. You had a spark of inspiration earlier in the day and started on a fanfic for your new favorite game. You liked how it was going at first, but now the dialogue looks clunky and the pacing is weird. You've been trying to fix it but all your attempts just end up getting deleted. You were at the brink of insanity when a miracle happened, Tom was calling. You pick up, thankful to see his face.

"Heyyy, sorry for calling this late but I haven't heard from you toda-"

"UUUUUUUGGGGGGH" you slammed your head on the keyboard causing Tom to jump.

"Oh god what happened? Do I need to call 911??"

"Not unless there's a fanfiction helpline. I've been writing this fic and I'm stuck on this part AND I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING!" you start flailing your arms in the air.

"Okay, well I have plenty of experience in this type of writing so I can give you some feedback. Just send it over so I can take a look!" he offers with a warm smile.

When you're a normal functioning human you know that Tom would never judge your writing too harshly. He's looked at your work in the past and has LOVED your writing. But right now you're tired, dehydrated, and your words look like gibberish. Right now you hate the idea of him looking at it.

He senses your reluctance, "Y/N, I know sharing writing you're not proud of isn't easy. But I can see how frustrated you are, I swear on my Switch that I won't judge."

And with that, you send him what you have so far. Maybe it won't be too bad. He spends a few minutes reading, using very exaggerated facial expressions in an attempt to cheer you up.

"I really like the story, but my main worry is your writing. Like, your spelling is so bad I can barely read it. And with all the time you've had to write you usually have it much neater. Have you been taking any breaks?"

You laugh nervously as Tom gives you a disapproving look.

"My mind has been stuck on this. I just NEED more content for Jimbo's Great Adventure, and since the fandom for this game is pretty small I need to make it myself. The people deserve more fan service of their favorite boy JIMBO!"

"Aaaand they also deserve fanfics that aren't made by someone who is so sleep deprived that they can barely spell. I love how passionate you are about your interests, but PLEASE get some sleep. I can help you figure it out tomorrow, but your first step is to drink some water and get some rest."

As much as you wanted to keep writing, you knew Tom was right.

"I will, but I wanna stay for a bit longer. I haven't seen you all day."

"I know how much you wanna fantasize about kissing my cute face, but it can all wait for tomorrow. I'm not going anywhere, you're stuck with me!" he gives you a sly wink.

You let out a tired laugh, "Alright, I'll log off for tonight. Love ya."

"Love you too Y/N. Sweet dreams."

#band camp boyfriend #bcb #tom rizzotto

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alcorian · 2 years

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can people with dyscalculia help? im 18, autistic, and trying to figure out if i have it. it would be really nice if some people who know they have it could read this and give their opinion on whether i should try to get evaluated.

i’ve always hated math and struggled with it, and yet i was in advanced classes in middle school..... which i HATED. then, in high school, i got mistakenly put in the intermediate class for kids who struggle with math, and saw...... little to no change in how challenging it was. i did get bored with how slowly we were introduced to concepts, but my ability to complete the homework in a timely manner never improved. and i tend to do math slower than my peers--i even requested a time extension on my ACT because i finished all the other sections with great scores every time, but could only get like halfway through the math section at best. the one time i remember finishing a test first in class, i was proud but surprised. but looking back i think that test had a lot of questions about the concepts we were being taught rather than arithmetic, which also surprised me because in my experience math tests are mostly solving problems, not answering questions about math concepts. there have also been times that i’ve finished my classwork before anyone else, but also looking back this usually happened because i was working while the teacher was talking instead of taking notes. (my thoughts are very very fast and unfortunately my teacher does not talk as fast as my thoughts, so in pretty much all my classes, i just end up working ahead while listening to the lecture so i can pay attention and not get distracted)

i understand the abstract concepts behind math just fine, and even like them, but i kind of struggle with it at the same time. i do things like addition slowly and multiple times to make sure i got it right, sometimes counting on my fingers. i cannot memorize my times tables, ive completely given up on that. i still count on my fingers at 18, which i didnt realize wasnt normal because im completely unobservant. i hate mental math and calculators are my saving grace. i dont trust myself to do mental math correctly. i struggle to hold numbers in my head, especially long strings like phone numbers or addresses, which is part of what makes mental math so hard for me (and thats why i use my fingers or write it down). i forget things like phone numbers instantly. im not very good at reading analog clocks, but that might be because we’re moving more towards digital clocks everywhere. i also heard that dyscalculia can be associated with difficulty telling right from left, and thats a really embarrassing thing ive always struggled with--i need to hold up my hands to remember (left hand makes an L) and if i cant do that i have to imagine writing something and hope im imagining the correct hand doing the writing, lol.

but despite all this-- i feel like maybe i dont have it. maybe im just looking for an excuse to explain why i suck so much at math. theres also the possibility that im just overly anxious about getting a wrong answer and thats why i do everything so slowly and count on my fingers and stuff--so i can be sure im not getting it wrong. i do understand how numbers correlate to amounts, and its not like im totally incapable of mental math. i can do it, i just struggle with it, especially if i have to hold a number in my head for any reason. like, while writing this post i went and did basic multiplication problems in my head (from a website) and got hung up on 7 x 6. and then i got it wrong. this is the part where i’d normally make excuses like “oh im tired, oh its the end of summer so i havent practiced,” but honestly, im pretty sure most people my age should be able to do simple multiplication like that no matter the time of year. so. i dunno. also, i was able to get the other problems correct, but im pretty sure i was taking longer to do them than an 18 year old should. and i was counting on my fingers again.

and like. i think i like math in theory. algebra looks logical and satisfying, and it IS, except when i have to actually divide, add, and subtract, then i can practically feel my brain beginning to overheat like an overworked computer.

moving things from one side to the other to isolate a variable? yes. good shit.

havint to do subtraction to get there? now its not so fun. i think this is the part that actually gives me a headache. i never really thought about which part of algebra was frustrating me, but now that i know dyscalculia is a thing, im starting to think about the arithmetic vs the abstract concept behind it.

anyways, if i have dyscalculia its probably more mild seeing as i can still do mental math and i can still do arithmetic, its just unreasonably hard for me for no discernable reason.

#dyscalculia #autism #learning disability #alv posts

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tetstuff · 29 days

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4/17/24 - sketchbook

Just 3 days after i was eating right i got so sick for almost a week. I couldnt stop pooping water. And everyday i felt so tired. So i had to eat rice again even tho i already stopped. Ofcourse that happens just when i tried to change. -__- anyway today i made a sketchbook.. my tito from abroad came home and gave us 10$ each and i was planning to buy this very beautiful sketchbook on mr diy. But when my sister got there it was expensive. So i just didnt buy it. I need the money to buy make up for my make up business soon. So i just didnt go thru with it. Although my sister had this old sketch. You know those cheap ones. I had this idea to convert it to a sketchbook. And its halfway done. And im proud tbh. But now it made me realize how im good at so many things but because of my crippling anxiety, i may not be able to do it for money. I have been keeping myself busy lately. It has been 3 days since i decided to leave ig. for my mental health. I didnt tell them. I didnt want the group to disband because of me. But i really hate how my friendships/relationships never work. I always feel like im always getting left behind. How its all an illusion at first but when shit happens thats always how i end up. Alone. So im leaving for now. Im just not gonna deact because theyd think of disbanding too. Im just not gonna show my life to everyone. They dont deserve to know. Specially those who hurt me and keeps hurting me. i also reflected that maybe im the problem because im the only thing thats constamt in every scenario but no matter how i remember me from all those scenarios, i wasnt in the wrong. I was always nice and always there for them. I reply so quickly. I match their energies. Yet im still left behind. Im tired. whats wrong with me.

Anyway ill post a picture of the sketchbook here when i finish it.

well.

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serpentmotif · 5 months

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I should note that im overweight, classed as obese, and very short. That 30 pound loss took me from my highest weight (210) down to 180. It was not unhealthy loss and I was under the instruction of a medical professional, who I can go back to see anytime but at the time of my last appointment he said I was doing well and didn’t need to come back unless I started struggling.

Well I started struggling after stress from a death in the family and was too proud, or maybe too ashamed, to suck it up and go see him again.

But I still have the guidelines he gave me so im just going to go back to them like im starting over from square one. It’s tedious weighing and tracking everything but I remember how it made me feel physically when I was eating right and working out all the time. I had more energy, motivation, confidence, and I wanted to fuck all the time. I still want the latter, but my energy levels are dead unless im hopped up on caffeine and my motivation and confidence are nonexistent.

I don’t even care what I look like. I think sometimes, in good days, I have a hot fat butch thing going on, but that doesn’t change that I physically feel like shit.

So yeah, my weight goals aren’t unhealthy. I know tumblr hates any mention of wanting to lose weight because people here think it’s only about superficial things, when in reality weight can have a negative impact on physical and mental health outside of not being body positive or self loving or whatever.

I don’t hate my body. Neither does my partner. But I sure as shit hate how it makes me feel like I have to drag myself everywhere and force myself to do things because im so tired and not eating the right nutrients because I’ve been living off shitty depression meals because I don’t have the energy to cook or clean but to get the energy to cook and clean I have to clean the dishes to cook healthy food and it’s a vicious fucking cycle and im tired. I want to break out of it.

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mardoufox21111 · 1 year

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tired. d and t went to the house today so i had the day to myself. nothing happened, again i didnt get to relax like i would like. tomorrow i have to go to work at my stupid job to get my laptop then come home because theyre fucking retarded and dont communicate. so thats a waste of a day basically that i was going to get so much shit done. d has been here 5 minutes and is already doing my head in. because i left a box in the kitchen. not good enough that i did the dishwasher or anything. i really do hate her.

anyway i started my new job and have been going into the office. every week someone has had covid. finally this week we get to work from home 2 days a week and tomorrow we get to as well because of the covid case. they are so retarded they didnt even tell us. anyway. going into the office was ok, the best thing was being away from d. mentally ive felt better. but i am so ready to work from home. there are only a few people i dont like and thats because they are rude assholes and nothing to do with me. lol. so yeah im really proud of myself for going in. lovely that both parents dont give a fuck enough to say anything positive about me going. its all just a big joke and a big put down fest whenever anything about work is mentioned. annnnnnnnnnnnd shes just come in to berate me about leaving a box i opened on the kitchen stool because im not doing anything. :| smh.

so did u sleep in

whats wrong

nothing

so is that box to go in the bin or what

yeah

why didnt u just chuck it in or something god ur not doing anything.

anyway, its very frustrating when you put effort into going to work etc etc and its still a big joke to them and they still cant even say im proud of you or good job or i know that must be difficult for you and its good that youre going NOOOOOOOOOOPE hahaha fuck me. cant even move out of this hell hole.

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harrys-bf · 2 years

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Fake social media |H.S x male!reader (he/him)

Pt.2

A/N: I have taken the job of finally doing male readers for Harry, there are never male readers so its my job now 💀 I just went “Fine, I’ll do it myself”

As always please leave some feedback💌 so i know u liked it, pls give me some concepts cause im running out of ideas lol, and you cannot take my work and put it in another platform, thanks <3

Face claim: @hernankanno on instagram <3

liked by harrystyles, tchalamet and other 6,618,381

@yourinstagram: Thank you @vougemagazine for everything we have achieved during this past two months!! Can’t wait to share this project with everyone else!! 🖤🖤

view 12,378 comments

@y/nfan2: THIS PICS>>>>>>

@y/nfan1: YOU LOOK AMAZING

@harrystyles: Proud of you my love💞

@harryfan1: PLS HARRY IS FINALLY COMMENTING SOMETHING SO LONG

@harryfan2: we know youre whipped but calm your titties down😕

@harryfan6: This is the first time I’ve seen Harry comment something so long 😨

@gemmastyles: 🙌🙌 Hell yeah!!

liked by 297,729 users

@celeb.gossip: Harry Styles and y/n spotted in London’s airport, seems like y/n came back to Harry after all. Their child wasn’t with them, this gives us a lot of questions as of why did y/n leave Harry for two months with their child.

Y/n shouldn’t have left their child with Harry for two months and then come back as if nothing happened, parenting is a thing of two people but y/n left for two whole months, is y/n even a good father for his child?

view 89,278 comments

@harryfan7: this is invasive, you guys shouldn’t be posting this things

@haryfan2: i hate the paps and the caption is the worse shit i’ve ever read but this pics are so cute

@y/nandharryfan5: my loves are back together <33

@harryfan8: the way they hold each other omfg im gonna cry

@y/nfan5: y/n left because of work, he is a model and an artist who works hard for his family, this is so disrespectful, their family and ways of parenting as long as the child is okay, is not your business.

@gemmastyles: You have no right on telling this men how to parent their own child, y/n had to leave for work and they got on calls everytime y/n had time, even if he was tired, y/n did everything he could so he could finish his work asap so he could come back to his family earlier.

@harryfan7: Gemma is so right

@harryfan5: Awww y/n 💔

@harryfan6: This men are my whole life

@harryfan9: streetrry>>>>>>

Gemma’s instagram stories:

Your instagram stories:

————————————————————

liked by yourinstagram, arianagrande and 6,816,927 others

@harrystyles: The love of my life is back and my family and I couldn’t be more happy about it, you know im not a person who is very active on social media but I would like to ask you to stop questioning my husband for leaving me with our child, our child has been okay, yes he missed his other parent but there have been no problems with my husband leaving, we’re just happy we finally got to reunite after two months of my husband being busy with work and projects, I thank you for your understanding in this situation. Keep treating people with kindness xx. H.

view 293,183 comments

@zendaya: Periodt.

@tchalamet: Drag them paps down!!👏

@taylorswift: So happy y/n is back!! Sending all my love for you guys 💖💖

@hunterschafer: We love a supporting husband!! 🙌🙌

@adele: Yes loves!!

@harryfan6: this response to those articles is everything

@harryfan6: husbandrry is my fav

@yourinstagram: ilysm 💗

( liked by harrystyles )

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A/N: Lmao I finally felt better enough to write something, I will def make a part two of this two lovely men, I’ll be writting next part as soon as I post this!!

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mrs-march-ahs · 3 years

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hii so I just cannot get this idea out of my head. so I know that jpm hates religion but the idea of a james march priest au! is so... im so desperate for anyone to write it😭

Forgive Me Daddy For I Have Sinned (James March Priest AU)

First, headcannons, and then very juicy smut, enjoy :)

-His investing and money wouldn’t go smoothly enough for him to accomplish his dream of opening his own hotel -He had just finished his architecture degree and designed his perfect murder castle, but just didn’t have the money to have it built -The economy crashing during the Wall Street Crash (later in his life) affected his business deals and all of the money he put towards his coal and oil -Because his father was a religious man and worked in the church, it was pretty easy for James to become a priest -He made his father very proud, which he was actually not happy about -He didn’t like his father enough, the last thing he wanted was to make him proud -But it was the only place he could work -Working in the church was tiring to him, having to be around people who in his eyes, refused any pleasures and acted fake and untrue to themselves -He looooved to listen to peoples sins however during confessions -He would always ask as many questions as he could, wanting to hear the nitty gritty stuff -If somebody every confessed to murder, oh god -It would be the best day of his life -Listening to somebody describe the blood and gore would excite him -He would feel tingly listening to it, and despite being a priest and not having the proper means to murder safely (without his hotel), he would still try it -He would murder particularly sinful people -His justification was that after their death, they would be in their respectful place, either in Hell or with God -He was speeding up the process of them joining God, which is what they wanted anyway, so in his eyes he was doing them a favour -He would frame their murder as best as he could, as suicide -When the people of his church, a larger church in Boston or Exeter (NH), found out about the ‘suicide’, he would do a long speech about being kinder to people and loving thy neighbour -He would very slyly remind people that suicide is a sin -His father would come to every single mass to watch his son speak -His accent and formalness made people trust him and what he said

When you first came to church, it was during the 1920s, hoping to confess something that had been bothering you. After taking a few minutes collecting your thoughts, you kneeled in the confessional and looked at the cross. Assuming you need to speak first, you looked at the cross and spoke with faux confidence.

“It is a venial sin, but it still haunts me”. You weren’t sure how to start, never having done this before, but wanting to do it right. You looked up some of the terminology beforehand, and learned that what you had done wasn’t a grave matter, but a venial sin. Minor, per say.

“This is a safe space, you can share anything with me”. Priest James said this as convincingly as he could, before looking at his watch. As you were about to begin, James corrected you.

“This must be your first time, child, for that is not how we begin confessions”

You look around the confessional nervously, trying to remember anything from Sunday school. You looked at the cross and felt as though God was sitting on your shoulders, crushing you, and you nervously tried your best to do better.

“Forgive me, uh, Daddy… I was bad”

James looks down and holds back a smirk, playing with his robe.

“Close enough, darling, confess to me”

“I sinned, but I don’t feel guilty, and I think I should, in fact… I feel great”

The second James heard that you came in with a sin that involved no blood or death, he was bored. But hearing the way you talked around it without saying anything up front made him excited.

“What did you?”, he says completely intrigued.

“It’s not what I did, it’s what I do, a-a lot”

“I can only help you if you describe it to me”

You nod and put your hands on your thighs, trying to remain calm, knowing there should be no judgement here.

“I touched myself… and not just did, I d-do”

James took a deep breath listening to you, having never heard a confession this juicy, your confession was currently in tied place for excitement with graphic murder.

“Describe it to me”, he whispers.

“It’s always at night, I lay in bed”, you begin, trying to be clear, assuming that describing your sin takes the weight off your shoulders. “I get naked, fully, and touch my body”

Where the blood in a normal Priest may go to the cheeks, all the blood in James body rushed to his crotch, not at all fighting the urge to be aroused.

“Where?”

“My chest… and then my thighs, between them”, you pause. “Even inside”, you whisper.

“My child”. James no longer holds back anything. His smirk plasters his face proudly and the confident in his words are key for you to feel like you’re in safe hands. “You were bad indeed”. James mocks your words, thriving on your innocence.

“Do you wish to be cleansed?”. Although you assumed the correct answer, you chose to answer honestly.

“I’m not sure”

James furrows his eyebrows, baffled by your reasoning to confess.

“You are not sure?”

“I know I did bad but, if it’s so bad”. You can’t bare to make out the words, knowing you will be judged. James thankfully helps you out.

“Why does it feel good?”. You knew he couldn’t see you, but you nod nevertheless, glad that he understood.

“Does it, feel good?”, he asks.

“Yes”, you answer without missing a beat. “Oh yes”

“How good?”

“Incredible, ecstatic”

“Does the feeling you bring yourself, feel better than being clean in the eyes of God?”

This is exactly what James wanted to see. People being true to themselves, being dependent on themselves to full fill their own needs, not on a mystical being. He was instantly attracted to you, your voice, the previous hesitation in your voice and the confidence with which you spoke now.

“Honestly?”

“Of course”

“I think so”

Hearing those words come out of your mouth made James feel alive, feel as though he wasn’t the only one who enjoyed giving into his urges, homicidal and sexual. It was as though he found another human being who enjoyed the pleasure in living.

“You are somebody who is willing to do bad, to do good”

With that sentence, an idea came into James’ mind, making him sit up straight.

“I know a way to heal you, to repent your sins”

You smile widely, getting more out of this visit than you expected to get.

“Come round to this side, darling”

You were utterly confused, but trusted in Priest James’ good intentions and knowledge. Not thinking too much, you crawled off the pillow you were kneeled on and shuffled over to your priest. Looking up at him made you blush. Your cheeks reddened at how handsome he was before you, and at the compromising position you were in. But when you put your hands on his thighs to stand up, he put his larger hands over yours and leaned in closer to you.

“Nonsense, darling. In order to cleanse your sins, you must remain on your knees”

━━━━━━♡♤♡━━━━━━

@milly-louise @amourtentiaa @kitwalker02 @tatestripedsweater @therenlover @maria-akira @tatesimper @sallyscigarettes @mossybank @ahsxual @mxlti-fand0m-imaginess @mrs-march-ahs-biggest-fan @kitwalkerangel @darlingkitt @blackbat2020 @whiiiiplaaaaash @elaineygrace @divinerulerluvr @johndeaconshands @kais-messiahbaby @xmaximoffic @tatesweaterweather @undeadcortez @booboomother @slightlyvicked @americxn @kaislittleheadliner @damianosdarling

#american horror story #ahs #american horror story hotel #ahs hotel #james march #james patrick march #mr march #james march x #james march x reader #james march smut #evan peters character #ahs smut

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magentapint · 3 years

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crenny brainrot

idk i normally dont post my thoughts here on tumblr but since im becoming active again i want to ramble on about my favorite crenny headcanons.

mostly because i have the agenda of embedding it to the crenny nation collective consciousness. i am a woman in a mission.

Disclaimer: these are literally headcanons with either 0 or the bare minimum canonical basis. its all for good fun pls don’t attack me for rambling about south park characters on main.

1. Kenny is an English gay, Craig is a Science gay || alt title: my craig is bad at english agenda.

I don’t need to explain myself but I’m GOING to explain myself. In the series Kenny is normally the point person whenever the boys don’t know the meaning of a certain term. That’s on rich vocabulary baybee! Ok but ALSO Kenny’s is legit good at English (e.g. When he wrote the boys a letter from Hawaii, His entire Princess Kenny cold open, his Mysterion dialogues)

And now Craig, sweet precious illiterate Craig.

need i say more?

Craig as a science gay just makes a lot of sense to me, bc duh...space...and stuff. Leave it to Craig to calculate the rate of xyz when abc, but if you ask him to write 1 (one) single essay he will slap you.

I love contrasting my Crenny bc that’s their primary appeal for me! I’m on that stem student x liberal arts student agenda.

2. Kenny loves his town! (Craig is on the Fence)

It’s a really common crenny trope for them to hate the fuck out of South Park, which leads to countless runaway fics (which I ADORE, keep making them.) But you know when I thought about it, Kenny’s definitely the type to love South Park (and its inhabitants) from the Bottom of his heart.

Dude he literally took on the role of Mysterion to protect the town from the shadows (he’s been doing it for Months???), He sacrificed himself in the South park movie just to bring back things to normal. This man. Loves. His. town.

I think Kenny’s the type to be all “Come with me, I’ll show you my secret spot.” Then have like 17 secret spots around the town. He definitely knows stuff like the quickest route to school or the best spot for stargazing. All that.

Now Craig. I could see why he’d hate the town TBH. And that offers a nice counterbalance to Kenny (a comic is forming in my mind as we speak.)

I want Kenny to teach Craig how to love the town (kenny voice “you’re just not experiencing the town the right way!”) and I want Craig to call out Kenny (craig voice “maybe you’re just romanticizing the idea of the town because you’re scared of letting go of the last bits of your childhood”) AHAHAHAHA. Idk Man, it would be a nice dynamic to study.

lmao i just realized that most of my headcanons are just contrasting crenny. IDC!

3. manlet kenny and taaaaall craig

yall KNOW ive been on that short Crenny agenda since day 1!

(behold my first rendered crenny art ever)

DAY ONE! 初日！Unang araw palang!

BUT! but! BUT! this goes deeper. because of course im going to ramble on about this.

*clears throat*

Craig tries to occupy as little space as possible, Kenny tries to occupy the biggest space possible.

BAM! Visual and Thematic Interest!

I can imagine it now, Craig keeping his limbs as close to himself. Kenny stretching out his arms trying to “take more sunlight and air!”

I like the idea of Kenny being small but no one really thinks he’s small because he carries himself like a large person. Sometimes he’d just stand up and Craig would see the top of his head and go “oh wow i forgot that you were a foot shorter than me for a split second.”

Fun stuff.

4. Mole placements because I’m a graphic design student and this is the type of shit that appeals to me.

As yall know I draw Craig with a mole under his eye and Kenny with a mole under his lip. Want to know why? Visual interest BAYBEE. Have i told you that I’m a graphic design STUDENT.

I like it because it leads your eyes from Craig’s face to Kenny’s face or vice versa. It adds a sense of movement to any of my crenny pieces.

Also I noticed how most crenny fics focus on how striking Craig’s eyes are and I think it’s just fitting to add a lil mole to accent it.

As for kenny, I’m on that...........kenny kissable lips agenda.......I hc his mole to be less noticeable but MAN once you notice, it’s all you see. I can just imagine Craig going fucking crazy once he realize that there’s a mole under Kenny’s lips.

5. Craig and Kenny are innately perceptive || alt title: Crenny Bluetooth Couple

This is kinna one of my tenet headcanons. Like my entire crenny characterization hinges on this one headcanon.

Okay get ready its DISSERTATION time.

5A: The angst of it all

Craig and Kenny are both very perceptive. They notice. The different lies in the way they act on what they had notice.

Kenny’s an empath so he tries the best to subtly help the people around him when noone else can. Stan having a bad day? Kenny would stay with him. Kyle’s pissed off more than usual? Kenny would crack jokes he knows Kyle would laugh at. etc.etc.

Craig is very pragmatic. If it doesn’t affect him, he won’t bother. But with Kenny he just can’t help but be so concerned.

He notices it when somethings off with Kenny. He��d notice when Kenny’s disoriented (after dying and not knowing how reality warped or sum). He’d notice when Kenny’s tired (after working overtime at city wok). He’d notice how Kenny would look at his friends lunches.

What pisses Craig the most is how Kenny just, smiles through it all. Craig’s so frustrated with how Kenny’s own friends are too caught up with their shit that they can’t notice telltale signs.

And so he finds himself gravitating towards Kenny. Inviting Kenny to join his Wide-angle lens show after he got rejected for looking too poor. Offering to be his partner during school trips.

5B: craigs cold hard exterior = kennys happy go lucky attitude

Craig and Kenny don’t express their true emotions.

But the difference is: Craig doesn’t show his because he doesn’t feel the need to. Kenny doesn’t show his because he has to.

BAM! Interest!

Kenny has to be strong. To not worry his siblings or friends. So he just pushes through and hides it all with his hedonistic facade.

Craig’s just.....idk he just doesn’t want 2 show his emotions for funsies idk what’s up with him.

I like how on the surface they seem like polar opposites but fundamentally they are the same. (bc theyre soulmates)

5C: Reading craig

Kenny’s one of the few people who mastered the language of Craiganese. Alongside Ruby, Clyde, and Token.

Kenny’s skill was innate tho and it pisses off Clyde so much.

Clyde learned how to read Craig after years of being his closest friend. It took a lot of trial and error, but he’s proud that he can understand Craig’s mood and all that.

But then comes Kenny who can read Craig immediately! What the heck! Unfair!

5D: Bluetooth couple

which leads me to the point.

It’s funny.

It’s just funny I can imagine Crenny having entire conversations just by looking at each other.

okay thats all.

#long post #magentasays #crenny #craig tucker #kenny mccormick #steal my headcanons and build upon them i beg you

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corpsentry · 3 years

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january: an art retrospective

i did some stuff last month (but it’s a lot of stuff and there’s a photodump + some Serious Fucking Reflection, so it’s all below the cut)

so ok, let’s start with this. here are some heads. each head has a red arrow. that red arrow is what i call the red line of the devil. it’s the slope of the face from the side of the eye to the cheekbone and then down towards the chin. up until like 2 weeks ago, i couldn’t draw it. i couldn’t fucking draw it. i would edit over that part of the face over and over again until i was frustrated and tired and i had a raging homosexual headache and it still never looked right. notice that each head is different. notice that each head looks wrong.

at the start of 2021 i finally admitted to myself, as per the image above, that i was deeply, deeply unhappy with my art. what was the problem? i dunno. but i decided i was going to fix it and i was going to do so via another one scribble a day event wherein for every day of january i would find a photo of a human head, and i would draw it.

january 1st, 2021. i was embarrassed to tweet this even on my private account where like 5 friends and a rock would see it. in retrospect, you can also see all of my bad habits emerging like dicks from a hole in the ground. it’s disproportionate. the brows look flat. the eyes are slanting upwards. the entire drawing looks flat, like this isn’t a 3d person but a caricature of one.

january 2nd, 3rd, 4th:

on the 2nd i decided to start a separate thread for doodles and applied learning. here’s the first set of tests

the rest of the week is kind of uneventful so we’re going to skip those. fast forward to january 11th

this one is especially bad. i am acutely aware, suddenly, that i am not changing anything at all. i’m stressed and miserable about it because i’m still trying to see people as people and trying to draw people that look attractive and proportionate and hot. my friend, leny, reminds me that i need to think about faces in terms of planes. i have a moment. my other friend masha sends me some links to anatomy tutorials. i have another moment.

january 11th. applied sketch

january 13th is when i start the troubleshooting process. the link above drives me mad because i’m pretty happy with the face but then i realize that there’s something very fucking wrong with the shape of the head LOL and then i realize that i’ve never had any idea what the proportion of the face to the rest of the skull is so i grit my teeth and i open a new canvas and i

bald studies. it seemed like the right thing to do. can’t draw heads? ok draw some heads. look at some photographs. i traced each photo but tried to stick to straight lines so that i could replicate the shapes more easily. i broke each face down into shapes. i thought about airplanes

i got really excited. i started doing studies, then applied studies, then stylized studies.

sketches. i’m not sure what’s going on (as always) and it’s very rough, but they look different from the sketches i did on january 2nd. that’s a start

january 16th’s daily study. looks more like a person now. juuuuuust a bit

more applied studies

on the 18th i take a break and go stare at some lips because i don’t understand how the fuck they work. again, i focus on shapes, on volume, on the fact that these things exist in 3d. holy fuck lips exist in 3d. holy fuck we are real

january 19th. i’m working on it.

january 22nd. some sketches + a daily study. it has finally occurred to me that heads can tilt up and down and that things look different accordingly. yes i was not aware of this before. yes i have been drawing for over a decade.

january 23rd. by this point after doing my daily sketch i almost always go back and do an applied study which is basically to say i drew a lot of fucking links. this one looks kind of okay. i’m kind of proud

january 25th. links. trying to make sense of everything i’ve learned

26th, 27th, 28th. daily studies

january 1st. january 31st

The End Of The Photo Dump (dab)

ok NOW i get to talk about what i discovered while studying the shit out of human beings

FIRST OF ALL, there is something precious and magical about drawing shit without the explicit knowledge that you’re going to tweet that shit out to 45 people later. it takes the burden of perception off your shoulders and that does something to you, or at least that’s my theory. i told myself i wouldn’t post any of this stuff until the end of the month (if i wanted to post it at all) and kept everything off my public social media accounts and that meant i could draw ugly as hell without worrying about who would point and laugh, which i absolutely fucking did. a lot of these are fucking trainwrecks. most of these are fucking trainwrecks. why do they look like that?? why??? this doesn’t look like the work of someone who’s allegedly been drawing since they were in kindergarten, does it?????

here’s why: because that person took a huge motherfucking swing at everything they’d ever known about art and spent a month building something new in its place. the abstract explanation is that i grew up on shoujo and weird old anime and my understanding of anatomy was unironically kamichama karin and while i love kamichama karin, when kamichama karin is your rule even if you try to break it, you’re going to end up going nowhere. “you have to know the rules to break them”, yeah? well i didn’t know shit. the abstract explanation is i’ve been miserable about my art for a few years now because i saw other people doing things effortlessly which i couldn’t and instead of going back to the basics, i tried to do what they did (not plagiarism, mind you, i mean i literally tried to copy the red line of the devil i mentioned above because i couldn’t even make that happen) and then i fucking failed.

the simple explanation is this. i had to unlearn everything, and relearn it again (like some kind of new renaissance clown, what the fuck is this?)

take this for example. all my life i’ve drawn faces in the order: eyes, nose, mouth, face shape, head. this works for some people, im aware, but it was something central to how i had always drawn, so i decentralized it. i said fuck you to the old me and changed the order up. now i start with the nose, then the eyes, mouth, the chin line, and the sides of the face. now i force myself to think about the human head as a series of parts interacting with each other instead of a bunch of disparate features which i want to look pretty.

or let’s use this zelda from last year. something about this looked wrong last october, the way something about all of my drawings looked wrong, but i couldn’t pinpoint it for hell the way i couldn’t articulate Any of my feelings about the visual arts. now, looking back, here’s what i see. that nose is sticking out far too much given how she’s not really facing very far away from the camera. that ear at the back shouldn’t be there. her forehead is too big. she doesn’t have a forehead. what the fuck is up with the shape of her head?

so apparently reject modernity embrace tradition has its roots in alt-right terminology and i’m not very horny for the alt-right (you understand), but the spirit survives here. you know sometimes you have to admit that you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing and draw people for 31 days. i’ve spent my whole life drawing stylized people and while again there are artists who have no issue with this, i veered off the track of the Good and the Holy and couldn’t get back on. i had no point of reference because i’d never thought about what an actual human being looks like, so i had no way to fix what i knew in my gut looked wrong but wouldn’t come out better.

this was hard. this was like oikawa tooru swallowing his worthless pride and admitting that ushijima wakatoshi had gotten the best of him for the last time in his high school career, but in haikyuu!! by furudate haruichi oikawa tooru fucks off to argentina and then joins the argentinean national team, and you know what, i think i’ve made it to argentina (not the team just the country). as per the golden rule of dont fucking move until you’re at least two thirds of the way through the month, i only started trying to draw Shit shit on like the 22nd or something, but i was happy with that i created. i am happy with what i’ve done. i’ve posted like 2 things this month that involve people with what i now call ~applied Knowledge~~ and they’re, like, not perfect obviously (perfection is an unattainable ideal), but i’m fucking proud of them. i didn’t spend 5 hours hunched over my laptop adjusting the red line of the devil because it’s not a devil’s line anymore. because i finally sorta get how people work. because i sat down and i said ‘we are not going to fuck with this misery shit anymore’ and then i did that. it’s just a line now.

here are 2 collages tracking my painstakingly carved out progress from january 2nd to february 2nd because i’m a slut for collages

and here’s what i’ve done to my art! the same person drew these but also Not Really! you know! for the first time in a year i don’t immediately hate what i’ve drawn. you know what guys? art is fucking fun. zelda’s forehead doesn’t scare me anymore because i know how foreheads fucking work now, and i don’t know everything, and i’m going to keep troubleshooting stuff as i go (i want to draw a skeleton. like a. i want to draw a goddamn skeleton guys) but i’m honestly and genuinely proud of what i’ve done in the span of a month, and i’m also in disbelief. i started this month-long challenge out as a last ditch effort to make peace with my art because i’ve been tired for a long time and i was ready to kick the bucket on drawing people altogether. i didn’t think anything would happen. nothing’s happened for years. i’ve been miserable for years.

this was the caption for january 1st, 2021. i was super, super fucking embarrassed and it looks like super fucking shit, but you know what, i think i did in fact triumph over the bullshit. surprisingly enough, when you put in consistent effort into something, You Will See Results. didn’t see that coming, did you? i know i didn’t.

this isn’t a success story. it’s a happiness story. i never gave a shit damn about the institute of art or whatever, i was just mad at myself because what i saw in my head didn’t match up with what was on the canvas. and now it’s getting better. now i’m calibrating the compass. now drawing not just backgrounds but also people is exciting to me, and i can stick my links in your face and tell you ‘they hot’. i’m going to keep doing that. i’m going to keep going until i drop off the side of the earth and then spiral towards mars like some kind of fairy, and then i’m going to create something beautiful.

thanks for reading. here’s a pr department link for sticking around until the end

#my stuff

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moonsidiot · 3 years

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i don't know why i'm weighing in on this topic rn but i guess i wanted to share what's been on my mind as i've been thinking about how mlm media is favored to wlw media.

ive known i was a lesbian since middle school and was always really set on showing people that i was proud of who i was and wasn't going to apologize even when people in school were homophobic towards me. this attitude allowed me to neglect how much self-hate i still had about being gay and its bottled up and has been kinda overflowing recently.

im not gonna speak on straight women and mlm media because 1. im not a cishet woman and 2. i dont really see much to say about it when their preference of mlm to wlw is pure fetishization.

wlw media is rare and hyper criticized while mlm media can generally live free of the same criticism and is thus more mainstream and common.

i recently watched young royals and enjoyed it. i then started watching fear street and haven't finished it yet but am liking it so far even though i don't like horror. one scene in particular has got me thinking.

in fear street when deena confronts Sam in the alley during the vigil and is upset with her, pointing out that she was with Peter and then shoves the box with her things towards her, i was uncomfortable.

on the other hand, when wilhelm yells at Simon about something and bangs his hand on the drum, i was frightened and gripped by the intensity of the moment.

obviously these are very different shows and very different scenes, but for me they pointed out an important point of contrast.

watching mlm media as a lesbian with internalized homophobia feels like watching something without stakes. obviously i can't connect with it to the same extent that i can connect with wlw media, and it shouldn't be made for me to connect with (MLM MEDIA IS FOR MLM MEN). but when watching wlw media and important conversations about relationship troubles come up, i begin watching with a mindset that whatever theme they are pointing out ultimately reflects a fault in myself.

for example, watching Deena be jealous reinforces my misconception that me being a lesbian makes me possessive of women, controlling, and a toxic partner.

to bring in druck and kieutou (literally my favorite ship ever), the scene where Fatou is with Kieu My and is touching her belly and then her neck while Kieu My is talking made me briefly uncomfortable because i interpreted the scene (which is supposed to stress how they aren't communicating and how stretched and tired Fatou is) as reflecting my own fear of intimacy with women and that if i were to touch a woman like that it would be creepy, unwanted, and inappropriate.

in contrast, wilhelm can be physically intimate with simon and i don't see my own internalized homophobia reflected.

to me, as a viewer with deep self hatred, men can love each other in all the messy, confusing, and real ways that love works whereas women must be sterilized and "perfect" (which is therefore imperfect and fake) in order for me not to be hijacked by own self-doubt.

at the end of the day, my interaction as a lesbian with mlm media revolves around seeing some of my own experiences reflected (ex. coming out, being a minority on lines of sexuality, and other basic queer themes) while witnessing a semi-real love story without feeling like i am being called out or hated on.

which.... as i come to the end, stresses the need for support and mainstream acceptance of wlw media. straight women prefer mlm media because of fetishization, thus reinforcing my own incorrect idea that my attraction to women is not widely accepted and therefore should not be shown or exercised.

women are not encouraged to love other women on screen in the way that men are because the main audience in fandom (likely cishet women) rejects them in favor of something they can't connect to but can be attracted to.

wlw media is beautiful and so important to me (LITERALLY HAS HELPED ME BELIEVE THAT IM NOT GROSS, HELPED ME REALIZE I WAS GAY AND JUST MAKES ME FEEL SO SO HAPPY) and should not continue to be rejected and criticized based on an elevated standard driven by bias, homophobia, and misogyny.

eek idk why i felt the need to share this but yeah.

#about me #i hate this why did i write this #young royals #druck #fear street

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aenniesryu · 3 years

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tsukikage middle school exes

tsukishima kei and kageyama tobio. both in their first year of high school and are also teammates since they played in the same vb team for their school

ofc everyone is well aware of the fact that these two kind of hated each other. not that it was an obvious fact to begin with since ever from the beginning the two would constantly bicker and throwing insults at one another

however, that was it. that was the only thing everyone knows about the two. the team even had to separate the two of them when things escalated quickly just to make sure none of them will started to throw fits

no one knows the actual reason as to why they would bicker every so often. the team just thought that the two have so different perceptions towards volleyball that makes them so hard to get along with

the team did tried to help them to get along but it just ended up with them constantly at each others throat arguing about whatever it is

what the team actually didnt know is that tsukishima and kageyama once dated back then in their middle school days.

so basically the entire thing going on between those two were just them being salty because of 1) the break up and also 2) their mindset when it comes to volleyball

tsukishima and kageyama once dated before despite them not attending the same school

but, both were living in the same neighbourhood and their houses were basically next to each other making it easier for them to constantly see each other

however, that was a year ago before kageyama's family decided to move to another neighbourhood

no, the break up was not because of them moving because they would still see each other if they put more efforts in it

the break up on the other hand was because of this one major thing. it was a silly reason but nevertheless it was the thing that made them broke up and that thing is volleyball

yes, volleyball. even tho both were playing for their respective teams back in middle school, their perspective when it comes to volleyball differs too much.

kageyama being the volleyball freak he is would just spent most of his times practicing his serve. even on the weekends. tsukishima, however didnt really took it seriously when it comes to volleyball ever since it was just a club anyway, right?

with kageyama spending more and more time with his practice, tsukishima was left alone. they barely even get to meet each other because of them being in different schools and then kageyama's free time was now full with volleyball alone

tsukishima might felt a lil bit jealous since kageyama, his boyfriend at that time would constantly talked about oikawa. it's always oikawa this and oikawa that. he knows kageyama only meant no harm and hes just looking up onto his senior who plays really well.

tsukishima was fine with that. yeah, he really does because never once did he ever tell kageyama to shut up whenever he talks about oikawa.

what was not fine was that kageyama spent the only free time they had on volleyball. it was the only time that they would be able to hang out and go outside but suddenly it stopped. no more seeing each other, no more dates and no more talking to each other

yes, kageyama did tell him over and over again that he feels sorry and that he just needs to prepare himself to be the best for their team

tsukishima did understand him but as time passed by, tsukishima became selfish. well that's what he thought. hes tired of waiting. he shouldn't be blamed when all he wanted was for his boyfriend attention

then 2 months before the very important match for kageyama, tsukishima went and break things off. and just like that they are no longer boyfriends or friends

kageyama moving to another neighbourhood just make things a lil bit easier since they wont be seeing each other anymore after the break up

"What the fck was that kageyama?" Tsukishima is now in rage with his once called boyfriend. They were in the middle of a practice match where they were divided into two different teams and just to make them work along together and maybe become friends, coach ukai and daichi thought it would be the best to put them into the same group. Oh how wrong they were because now they are fight again.

"I just did what's the best for the team. All you need to do is jump a lil bit higher than usual for that toss. you are already tall enough, make sure of it for once" kageyama was surprisingly calm when he said that but only god knows how scared he felt whenever tsukishima raised his voice at him because he got irritated. it wasnt a pleasant sight to see and get into especially when tsukishima is dmn mad. like the situation they are in now.

"yes my height alone is enough and that is why, you as the setter should take in mind that I would perfectly score if you just tossed me the ball right at where my hand can reach. making me go through all the hard work just to reach that fcking ball you threw is just wasting my energy" tsukishima is really not having it. not only did kageyama sent him a high ball, hes also pissed that kageyama made him wasted his energy in jumping higher than he normally do.

"excuse me? I'm just doing what's the best for the team. I'm taking out that fcking capability that you have in you that you decides to freaking hide and toss it away, just because you think putting an effort even the slightest of it into the match is a waste of your time" now kageyama started to boiled up. he knows that tsukishima has a lot of talent when it comes to volleyball, he knows that really well. perks of being his boyfriend throughout their middle school years. well honestly kageyama thinks tsukishima is just wasting his talent with his kind of mindset.

everyone at the gym are just staring and listening to them arguing. daichi was closed to tear them apart and continue with the practice match, but before he can do that sugawara stop him. daichi was not having it but sugawara had something else in mind. he thinks that maybe them arguing this time would make the rest of the team to get a grip on what making them argue in the first place. and maybe the truth would unfold without them needing to ask tsukishima and kageyama. coach ukai seems to have the same thoughts too since he make no moves in stopping them. so the team just understands and silently look at them and wait for more.

"I dont get your obsession with drawing the team's talent or whatsoever because you ended up getting more demanding. I thought you were a setter. didnt setter usually can already feel his teammates thoughts? im here just doing what I have to do during practice and waiting for it to end like it always did but you? you just have to screw up everything. im already tired but you clearly didnt see that! just what kind of a setter who acted like a dictator and yet hes not even the leader of the team? tell me!" tsukishima yelled his frustration out. he wants this to end just so he can go back to his house and do whatever he finds interesting. and basically volleyball is not one of them.

kageyama didnt said anything after that. he felt bad and all the memories from when his old team abandoned him during a play starter clouding his mind. to make it worse he's on the verge of breaking down. his eyes are filled with tears but he held them back. hearing those things from someone you love didnt really felt the greatest.

"what? now you decided to stayed silent? why? just realizing how my words are true and theres no point in denying it? did you ever just sit back and think about how your shitty your attitude is in court? about how tired your teammates felt trying to satisfy you? this is literally the reason why your old teammate decided to abandoned you in the middle of the match. because you are so demanding and it stresses them out more than the actual game is" just when he finished saying what he needed to say, kageyama slap him. when tsukishima turn to see him, kageyama is already crying.

"YOU! out of all people in this world should know how important volleyball is to me. you should've known that theres literally nothing I can do aside from volleyball. you shouldn't have said that if you know what I went through the entire year. and then at the end? what did I get? I get abandoned. not only by my teammates but I was also abandoned by my own family. just to make things even worse, you fcking break up with me at the times when I needed you the most kei. the one person i thought that would always stay by my side. but you didn't even listen to the shit I have to tell you because you completely shut me off. I went through every single thing alone. All by myself. I practice alone, think of the best strategies for my own team on my own because I was pressured AND threatened by the coach, I came back to an empty house and freaking live alone. theres no one I can even call and relied to!! I cant even call the person I love because hes sick of me. all I ever wanted was people to appreciate my efforts even tho it's only in volleyball. I wanted YOU to be proud of me above anything else because I cant reach your level when it comes to academic. I wanted to be perfect for you and all I ever wanted was for people around me to be proud of me for the one thing I'm capable of but all I get is people abandoning me!!"

silence. theres no sound can be heard in the gym aside from kageyama's heavy breathing. everyone is just stunned with the sudden confession. not only did they just heard kageyama's biggest fear but they also heard the part where he mentioned about their break up. tsukishima and kageyama were a thing before? they were dating? since when?"

"tobio-" tsukishima breaks the silence. hes panicking but he didn't know what do to because everything is just too sudden and all he can think of is how shitty of a boyfriend he was during the time that they were dating. thats what his brain has been saying. after all never once did he ever asked how kageyama was feeling. he was indeed selfish and everything is all his fault. if only he stayed-

kageyama seems to snapped back into reality when he heard tsukishima called him by his given name. he panicked. he just spilled everything in front of the team.

"i-im sorry. I should just go home. I'm really sorry you guys have to witness such a pity side of myself" kageyama chuckled and wipe his tears. "coach, i would like to take a break from the team for the time being. again, I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I'll see you guys later" and with that kageyama walked out of the gym ignoring his teammates eyes and the calls.

"what the hell just happened" tanaka said as the argument really is tensed and they literally just heard something that is kept secret between tsukishima and kageyama.

"tsuki, you and kageyama-" yamaguchi said softly as to not add any more anger in tsukishima. after all tsukishima kind of had an anger issue.

"ugh fuck, yes we did." tsukishima sigh. theres really nothing he can do. everyone knows and they probably think its his fault anyways. but the team has the opposite thoughts than him

"I honestly dont know what to say" sugawara said to him. he really wanted to help but it's not in his power to do so. all he can do is give them advice.

"ha, no need. I already know it's my fault. you guys can blame me. I would gladly accept it"

"What? No" were the replies he get from his team members. he was clueless coz after all kageyama wouldnt turn into a tyrant if only he stayed and didnt leave.

"we didnt blame you. both of you were young that time it was just normal for you to feel he loved you less. but you two lack in communication which leads to this whole entire mess. idk what you two went through and how long you've been together, it's not my business. but, all I can say is that you two need some closure. and clearly none of you even moved on from the past. arguing with each other every other day isnt the healthiest way to cope with the break up. just please sort this out with him. hes in pain and so are you." enoshita who has been quite the entire time decided to speak up. he do got a point especially with that lack communication between tsukishima and kageyama. sooner or later he needed to settle this whole mess before it started to drag the entire team. kageyama is the regular player in their team, and even with sugawara who can replace him as a setter, kageyama really is needed in the team. hinata also needed kageyama.

"I know I'm the last person you want to hear this from.. but tsukishima please bring kageyama back to the team. I needed him. the team too. and I think you needed him too. so please, I will do whatever it takes to help get him back into the team" hinata cried out. after all they were the freaky duo. they relied more on one another.

"but didnt kageyama only asked to take a break? it's not like he would just quit" nishinoya chipped in. "indeed he said that, but we are not sure on how long would the break be. it can be days, weeks, months and even years." coach ukai reasoned.

"let's just stop here. you guys can go home now. I will cancel tomorrow's practice so please just take a good rest. We'll continue our practice on the day after that. And you tsukishima" coach ukai added and turn to look at tsukishima with a soft look. It was a rare sight to see but they know it's for the best

"yes?"

"idk what you are planning to do. whether you sort things out and talk to kageyama or you didnt do anything about it is up to you. just clear out your minds whenever you came intl practice. we already less in one member, we didnt need to lose another one"

"thank you coach!"

listen, idek what I'm doing but I'm just gonna post this even tho I know it was bad because honestly when I reread this I felt truly nothing lmao but my friend said it was good/okay idk dont really trust her but hey, the very least I can do is post this here so I can move on(?) welp, enjoy ig.

#haikyuu fic #haikyuu ships #haikyuu #haikyuu angst #tsukikage #tsukishima kei #kageyama tobio

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happyandticklish · 3 years

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im so sorry to come to you with this, you don't even really know me and you most definitely don't have to respond to this but it's so hard to turn anywhere else with the truth

every minute has felt so suicidal for so long, everything is always either black and white or It feels like a group of people are screaming at me in my head and everyday I sleep in until I can't sleep anymore, I couldn't care less about the outcomes to being lazy or not eating enough because it feels like if something goes seriously wrong, I'll always have suicide to lean back on. It's more than I can bear and I don't even know why I'm sticking through. I'm appreciative for what I have but at the same time I can't stop myself from desperately wanting to end everything and that just makes it all feel even more guilty. Nearly every waking moment Its all just so tired and dark, the only good memories that keep me holding on lately are the ones that've happened in good dreams. I just don't know where to turn to, I used therapy and hotlines out until every session felt the same and I don't want to feel this way. I want to push through and finally move on from the people who have drifted but I really just don't want anyone different than them, I want to call with someone again and be comforted when I hear their voice through the other end because I feel so much safer in company on calls with people. I want to live with a dog someday and feel comforted by the knowledge that I'm not alone so long I've got my companion. It's all gone, I don't know what happened and I want to work on myself and fix everything but the weight is too much, there's too much I have to do in my life and with my parents getting more and more upset with me the longer it takes to finish my work I expect to be yelled at every day and I hate that it breaks me down to nothing every time until I can't think of a reason to move or eat or breathe

It's so difficult, I just don't know how to do this and I don't feel like I can properly turn anywhere else and I'm sorry to burden you with this all of a sudden

on a lighter note I really do like your blog and it's presence helped me find a flicker of light at times

TW Mention of Suicidal Thoughts

Hey anon. I can't know the circumstances of what you're going through, or how it's affected you. But I do know that what you're doing right now, reaching out for help, is super important, and I'm very proud of you for doing so. It's not easy coming to someone with this, and it can make you feel vulnerable in ways you may not be super comfortable with. But I'm extremely glad you did!

Throughout life, we go through stages. Sometimes you have moments where your life feels like its soaring, and like everything around you is exactly as you want to be. And then there are times when we feel like we can't do anything right, and that there's no one around us who can possibly take the place of the people who were there before. And the truth is, no one probably can. You can't replace people in your life, you merely find new people who you care about deeply as well. Whoever they were, it's clear they made a heavy impact on your life, and were people that you shared a lot of love with. I can promise you now that you're going to find people like that again. I've gone through moments in my life where it felt like I had no one, and all the people I had held close had either drifted away or left. And it was hard, and took time, and putting myself out there, but now I'm surrounded by loving people who care about me, and that I care about just as much. I don't forget the people I used to know, but I hold onto the memory of the time we spent together. It's important not to sour that time in your mind, but also to keep from clinging to it. Moving on is a natural part of human existence. And it's hard, and painful, but eventually, you will be okay.

You are you're own human being. You don't owe your work or your time to anyone. You are allowed to live your life however you want it. If what you are doing now doesn't feel right, then don't do it. Find something that you care about, whether it's big or small, and create ways to incorporate that into your life. If work is stressing you out, and the pressure from family to complete it, try talking to them. It might be hard, and they might not get it at first, but it's important to communicate your needs. Explain how it's making you feel, the guilt and the anxiety, and work together to try to find a new system that works better. If they truly love you, they'll listen to what you have to say.

Lastly, there are people who care about you. Even if it feels like you are all alone, like nothing matters, there are people out there where your existence matters to them. Someone thinks about your smile, something you said that made them laugh, thinks warmly on times where they spoke with you. Someone loves all the things about you that make you you-the good and the bad.

You are not a burden. You are a human just like the rest of us, which makes your life one that is infinitely important. Take things slow. Do them at your own pace. But try, because life is incredible, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

I hope this helps, at least a little, to ease some of the pain you are dealing with. But at the very least, know that I care about you, even if I don't know you. Someone does care.

You are loved. Remember that.

#asks #answered ask #non tickling #tw suicide #tw suicidal thoughts

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