.

What slipping though the cracks feels like

So im back on my bullshit. Life has just seriously been kicking me while im down. At this point I wouldn't mind moving back in with parents but unfortunately thats just not a fucking option. Sure my brother gets to live at home for the first few years of adulthood but i dont!?!?! He tried alaska, it didnt work out. he tried new mexico, it didnt work out, he tried the Navy and then that didnt work out. Im not shaming him I just feel like my family has given him a lot more grace. He has a lot of credit card debt and now that me and jacob are bringing on the debt people start judging.

Im so fucking frustrated, it genuinely feels like there is just no place for me in this world. It sucks. Its absolutely crushing. I have so many things that I want to do and be but zero reasources. Theres no money im so alone. its not fair to try and force jacob to try and get a job when i cant even find a job. Hes been unemployed for a while.

The main thing pissing me off is bureaucracy... I absolutely do not possess the skills needed to be able to access the services I need. Everyone ALWAYS says "just get on disability, just get a social worker to help you" okay HOW. HOW do i get that? Its not as simple as go to the website or make a phone call. Im terrible with phone calls, the websites just straight up do not work sometimes, and I don't have all the documents. Im Autistic, I was diagnosed late senior year of highschool (during covid). They attempted to get me services but there was not the time. I was full on failing and nobody at that school really should have let me graduate. It was an incredibly poor decision on there part. Honestly over 50% of the class should have not graduated. I kind of dont have basic math skills as well? Due to my learning disabilities (which also went undiagnosed for years) I have the math skills of a 6th grader (potentially worse) at 19.

I want to do collage but im worried I couldn't handle it. I also just cant afford to go to school and not work. Im done. Im so sick of this country (U.S). Slipping through the cracks sucks so much. I honestly wish I was more visably disabled so maybe someone might help me. I really need help. We cant navagate this. I DONT HAVE LIFESKILLS I CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. How do you tell people that?

I dont like borrowing money from people but we really haven't had much of a choice. I feel like im taking advantage of people but im really not trying to. I have this deep impending fear that this is all my fault, im not trying hard enough and i just need to get my shit together. Or that im self sabotaging or enabling jacob or some shit. I feel like a fucking criminal sometimes. It hurts. It doesn't help that our families treat us like criminals sometimes. I hate that ive lied so many times about having a job but im sick of the fucking lectures, I really do appreciate all the people who have helped and all the money ive been given but goddamn it i hate taking peoples money but im literally forced to. Ive had my rent paid for me a few times now,,, its embarrassing. The worst part is people see that you have had other people helping out with rent and immediately judge you. If I didnt have food stamps I would have legitimately starved by now.

I went to the hospital a few weeks ago. I was already having a severe panic attack then got news that my uncle died in a car accident. I still dont know if im in a place where i can write out exactly what my brain felt like in those days but it was terrifying. I was hallucinating harder than I ever had before. They gave me the option to stay or just take some anxiety meds and go home. I took the meds. Part of me wishes I had just stayed. It really feels like that was the only way I was going to get real help that I need. I get really bad intrusive thoughts so thats how I actually got admitted.

All I want is some peace of mind and stability. Thats fucking it. I dont even need to be happy right now i just need to catch my fucking breath. Ive been unemployed almost 2 months now. It took 6 months last time for us to get settled into this god forsaken apartment. Im grateful I HAVE an apartment for sure because its not lost on me how easily I could lose it. I know I should be paying my own rent. im more than fucking aware. I feel bad lying to people because it stresses me out but mostly because we straight up cant afford to have people mad at us right now. I need every support system I can fucking get. Its not fair none of this is fair I don't think my family understands how disabled I actually am let alone jacob. I constantly trying to figure out ways to make money its just not fucking working.

hey, it's my first time doing any request so i'm little embarrassed but i'm excited too!! i love your writing so much<33 i had this in my mind for a while

Eren's s/o kissing his palms/hands or the spots where he usually bites his hand when he's about to transform

it can be anything(like drabble/headcanons etc. i hope you get me😭) once again I LOVE YOUR WRITING SM!!

that is so frickin adorable STOP I LOVE YOU AND YOUR BRAIN🥺 you can always request things to me, i’m not sure how soon i’ll get onto them but i will try my best and i love hearing from you!

okay i’m actually really proud of this one haha! the drabble will take place during the reclaim of shiganshina arc if that’s alright, and psa i scared myself writing a certain line because i had no clue how i was going to proceed after implying a major death LMAO. i think you’ll know what line i’m taking about but don’t worry nothing happens lol.

warnings: angst... IM SORRY🥲

words: 1.1k

kissing vow ~ eren x reader

Dawn quickly rose over the well-known territory. The part of land that was whispered upon for years ever since its fall, and a place strangely familiar to all your ears and hearts even if you hadn’t traveled there yourself. After the trip into the midnight wilderness you had arrived for a mission far greater than any other, and it was clear there were no visible signs of doubt from anyone.

Except for of course, the young boy with more pressure on his chest than anyone, one you cared for very dearly who’d call almost every shot with his actions. He was frightened beyond compare, so as the last few squads stood atop Wall Maria, urgently waiting for any signal, Eren was practically pissing himself right then and there. He had returned, devised a plan with all the leading commanders in just a few days, and was now preparing to risk his life for his homeland and people. There was no moment of rest for him or any of you. Besides the constant worry of succeeding the mission this very well may be the last time any of you see each other again.

You shout out his last name, once, twice, as he was too far in his own head to hear your first call and jog to him, gripping your delicate fingers over his shoulders. In the years you’ve spent together as scouts those small releases of tension-touching had become a clear sign you wanted each other’s attention, and you both caught onto the gesture quite quickly. Eren softened his eyes in your presence to notion just how focused he was on you. His subconscious would always allow his gaze to wander to you and what you had to say, he felt calmer that way.

“I already see you getting all inside your head, I thought talking about this on the journey here would be enough for you?” you whisper, leaning your head a little closer in attempt to understand what possibly was rumbling through his mind now.

“What if we lose”

“What?”

“I can’t bear to see us all lose! If we waited a little longer, a few more days, maybe we could have advised a plan that wouldn’t risk half the corps’ lives!” He tangled his hand in his hair, gripping the shaggy strands already coming loose from the stress he overdrove himself into. Your hands soften against the thick cloth of his cape, frowning at the few tears pricking his eyelids.

“Er, you’re more than welcome to cry to me later, just not now.” you chuckle.

“How are you so sure there’ll be a later y/n.”

You mouth opens before you can process your words, watching his cheek crane over to rest on the back of your hand that still lay against his collar. Here was humanity’s savior more worried than everyone minutes before call, but that you were perfectly fine with. This side to him was all the more proof that he was human, no matter what people labeled his being as.

“How am I sure? Bold of you to question my predictions Jaeger.” you exaggerate, placing your hands on your hips in a sneer. “I’m certain i’ll come back alive, and why? Because your protecting me with ever passionate fiber in your body, just as you will everyone else. You’re fighting for our justice against these monsters, the ones with no mind or cause. You have a cause to fight Eren and you have a heart too, a damn big one if I do say so myself. It’s the reason we support you with in the entireties of our own.”

With that, you intertwine your fingers around his right thumb, softly calloused to the touch he notes time and time again, and place it in front of your mouth to kiss. His body tenses at the feeling, but his eyes widen when he realizes where exactly you’ve placed it, your trust in him, where you’ve unknowingly hinted your years of growing affection for the boy in the heap of a split second.

Over the bitten scars littered down his radial.

He looks at you in confirmation of what he thinks it meant, and smiles into those fierce doe eyes of yours. A genuine emotion he hasn’t felt in months through grieving and loss, but could so easily melt into again with you.

So yes, he held a dangerous power, but it was all his. Something his true self was a part of that no one should ever neglect, and he found all the support he needed within the soldier right before him.

“Knock em dead Ren, do your best for everyone who’s lived and who will continue to. None of us would be standing here without you, so your presence alone is precious to us...

...We all believe in you, I believe in you.”

You guide his palm to your cheek, nuzzling into its claminess. As he engraves the plush feeling of his fingertips to your skin, a green smoke signal is fired.

And even when Eren was positive not everyone could be saved, he was reminded the ones following the biggest goals in the end would persevere and care for each other just as you had for him. He was confident you’d all succeed that way.

Like Armin now does over Commander Erwin,

Or little Gabi rather than Sasha, no matter what unjust brainwashing she believes.

But him or you, who would risk their own life caring for whom they loved most?

That was one thing he never wanted to find out.

Now he slouches in a rotten, stoned cell, contemplating what could’ve changed if only he had tried a little harder, or had this all been fate from the start?

His hand resting in his lap catches his glance, peering down at the bite marks still evident across his thumb. Surely if the marks he made as a teen persisted your kiss would too.

He slowly brings his hand up, cautious of any guards mistaking the move for another transformation, and presses his lips against the same spot you had. He closes his eyes at the warmth, sensing it was still emitting from your own lingering touch years ago. Unfortunately there had been no more little kisses, subtle clues of affection from either of you ever since. He liked those hints he really did, but now he was sure you stood a few floors above him, devising a plan to put an end to his scheme rather than caring over his emotions.

Weren’t you the one who told him to keep going though?

Perhaps if he had told you his motives beforehand rather than keeping them inside. How he appreciated every act of tenderness you gave him, more than anything he’s experienced before, how all this time he’s fought on this battlefield people called the world, for you and everyone else. Maybe then you’d stay out of his way and let him succeed, but his actions had no time for feelings or explanations. The freedom he desperately searched for in the future held no care for the past.

Yet he could never lie to himself and think you didn’t love him still, even after all this time. And Eren couldn’t deny anything about his own feelings for you, it’s what kept him going.

//minor spoilers for marius character story chapter 2!!! and luke's chapter 2 as well oops

i was going to reblog this onto the moron post i made in the early hours of this morning but it quickly grew way beyond my original intentions, so im annexing it. i promise there's a funny conclusion just give it a little time !! why are there so many words ;-;

that post came about because i was thinking about nxx group dynamics, particularly marius (BIG SURPRISE LOL) and how from what we know of him he doesnt seem to have many close friends. if any. his schedule is incredibly packed from school, running pax, nxx investigations, and his own art, and we know he isn't getting enough sleep, (yknow what zak made a great post analyzing the boys schedules here ya go) to the point that he considers giving up art to make time for his other responsibilities. there's no way he has a social life - i'm sure he did, but it would have been the first thing to go, to make room for everything else in his life. every mention of him attending a social event, iirc, has been directly related to some kind of business venture or obligation, unless he's hanging out with mc, who seems to be the only person he's able (or willing) to make that kind of time for.

which is something he has in common with luke, it seems. lol.

IM PUTTING IN A READMORE THIS POST IS TOO DANG LONG LOL

back to marius. i need to do some more research on the timeline, but my understanding is that he was studying overseas and got called back when giann went missing, one or two years ago? to run pax. (which is the official story, more likely to me is that it was completely voluntary as he wanted to look into his brother's disappearance - was he involved with the nxx before then? had he already met artem and vyn, or no? if anyone knows the answers to these questions please please tell me). so in all likelihood he's left his entire social circle in florence, come back to hang out in an office all day, and then go sit in a meeting with vyn, his tutor, and artem, who is eight years older than him. i'm sure normally they get along just fine, but when does marius get to be a kid? when does he mess around with people his own age? he doesnt.

enter mc, who is much closer to him in age, and who he doesn't hesitate to joke around with. she must be a huge relief to him. and he met her right before being accused of murder. can he not rest??

pivot. we're talking about luke now. it goes without saying that luke is, has been, and will be going through some pretty heavy shit, and mc is simultaneously a huge reprieve from that and a bludgeon that he uses to destroy himself emotionally at every single opportunity. the whiplash is insane he's like "haha this is great i'm in love with you and you are my best friend and i am going to die forever changing the trajectory of your life, hurting you and that's unforgivable and i should stay away from you but i can't because i'm a terrible selfish person- haha what's that? no i'm fine! how are you?" i hate him.

yeah so then it's like when does luke get a break? huh? we know he has aaron, who is really good for him and helping him work through his stuff, but his stuff is irreparably tied to his complex feelings about mc and his own mortality etc, etc, and also aaron is literally his doctor. every single one of their conversations is like "luke, try harder" "no. im gonna die soon." "you will with that attitude i will FIX YOU MYSELF, STOP BEING LIKE THIS." "..... still got that expiry date tho" like even the person who is arguably the best for luke's mental state, actually understands what is going on with him and is actively trying to help him at every opportunity to the point of literally robbing him and sending him on a.. scavenger hunt.... aaron what are you doing

luke literally cannot escape his issues. marius cannot escape his work. i think they should, (after spending enough time around each other to kind of figure each other out, become immune to the other's specific brand of annoying, stop being jealous at how effortlessly close the other is to mc- look it might take a little time) be friends, and find that kind of respite in each other, where their other obligations just aren't even relevant and they can just kind of let the facade fall away and do whatever. they're closer in age and they both need more time to be young and impulsive and have other people who they can do that with.

i think they should be stupid young men who do stupid things. they roughhouse. they both like... extreme sports? i think? they drink together. marius, who knows the perfect amount of wine to drink to get just tipsy enough at a work function. luke, who knows where to buy the best, cheapest beer. swapping beverages and immediately getting piss drunk and calling mc together to tell her that shes missing out, she should have come with them, boo, and its four in the morning and she only picks up because she woke up early to add six pages to a report thats due on artems desk at seven, and she still pretends to get annoyed at them but shes really just happy to see them getting along.

vyn, luke, and marius being left alone in the nxx meeting room for some reason. by the end of it, the table is broken clean in two. luke and marius both blame vyn, who asserts that he never touched that table, but doesn't directly disagree with them and offers to buy a new one. (HE'S SO OMINOUS....)

the new table has wheels so when marius and mc get to a meeting early, he tries to lean on it while he's flirting and ends up on his ass. he sprawls out on the floor and tries to keep going as though this was totally intentional (because mc is laughing and its worth it), but of course luke walks in and he gets soooo embarrassed.

let them be morons!!!

heyyyy bruh dont feel bad you weren't able to figure out how to use trans tape properly, ive got almost 0 tits and it still took me like half a fucking year to get to a point where i can reliably bind with it & it gets progressively difficult the larger your chest is. if you dont want any advice skip the next paragraph

// in case you ever wanna try again

1. just use normal ass kinesiology tape, its basically the same stuff

2. make sure youre not allergic to the adhesive by any chance! stick a bit on your wrist or smth for a couple of hours and look for any redness or itching

3. its waaay easier to do while laying down. ideally after a shower, as long as your skin is fully dry. idk what technique youve tried but i think going diagonally from a bit over your nipple down towards your lower ribs is the easiest. the bits at each end should be -unstretched-, as in, you dont stick it all to your skin at once; attach it above the nipple so that approx. 1cm of the tape is just pasted to the skin unstretched, THEN you stretch it out so it approx. doubles in lenght and then you go over the chest. depending on your size and the width of the tape you might need 3-4 bits per side.

4. going over the nipple first, then over the bottom half, then flexin your pecs and going over the top looks the most natural in my practice. you can always put another piece running over the middle afterwards, as long as you attach it to your skin and not the tape underneath (the glue doesnt wanna hold if you do that). all of these should go DIAGONALLY, youll make your life 200% harder if you just go for a straight line.

5. remove the tape using COPIOUS amounts of baby oil. the reason i said its best to put it on after a shower is bc when your skin is still hot the glue will take a while to stick to your skin properly, so if you fuck it up you have a bit of time to try over again.

i absolutely despise the feeling of a binder on myself so ktapes are a fucken godsend to me & while the learning curve is steep, i think its 100% worth to try. YMMV tho and depending on your individual circumstances it might be waaaaay harder to make it work, so again DONT FEEL BAD its just the way it is tbh

hope youre not too pissed im bargin into your house with unwanted advice haha. if youve got any questions or sth feel free to hmu, if you wanna tell me to fuck off thats also ok

xxx take care

thank you so so much for this! the one thing I forgot to mention in my original post is that I am in fact allergic to adhesive 😞 I can’t even use a band aid on anything without getting a rash.

Hopefully it's not a bother, but could you write something about the Van Der Linde gang getting magically transported (Magic, Tardis, Marko, Science ) to the modern universe and having the gn! Reader help them adapt to this world? Maybe some of their reactions to new things (indoor bathrooms, new music, tv, memes) Thank you so much, love!

oh god this is a long post, and as always, im convinced i’ve missed one member out... minor drug warning on Johns headcanon, but the rest are tame. hope u enjoy!

Part 2 is here  |  Part 3 is here

Arthur finds your computer and figures out how to turn it on. Your face turns white when you find him on Tumblr, quickly shutting the tab and urging him up off the chair. "Hey! I was reading that! I was... erm, I think I was having sex with myself," he tells you. Yep, he's found the fanfiction. "Do they really mean that? That I got kind eyes and a, uh... fat ass, I think it was?"  You quickly show him the kitchen and run back to delete all your history. John goes rummaging through your cupboards for something to eat, and eventually finds the brownies in the fridge. You find him on the roof, his eyes red and his heads spinning. "Them.. them brownies..." he mutters. "I know, John," you sob back. You know which brownies he ate, and my god, he ate a lot of them. Arthur babysits him, his mind still questioning what he just read on your computer. Dutch finds the beast of a lawnmower you have in your garage, so you show him how to use it. Why not? He's mowing your lawn for free. Well, he did mow your lawn, but you eventually have to send a search party out after him, only to find him a couple of streets away, parked up next to a childs lemonade stand, insisting they should be selling this lemonade for more if they want to make a profit. 

Hosea also goes missing, but you find him during your search party mission. He's walking up the street back to the house with a paper bag in his hands, and he tells you he's managed to con the gas station clerk into giving him some free booze. You're not sure how, but he's done no harm so you let him enjoy his wine in peace. Bill found your anime figure collection, the ones with the big boobs. He asked you what they were, despite seeming rather flustered, but you tried to explain that it's normal and gave him a book to read. You catch him on your computer a few hours later buying himself a waifu body pillow because "I love her, dammit! Just let us be!" He also keeps pressing the squishy boobs on your anime mouse matt, and yes, he's still very flustered. Javier finds the TV in your room that has Netflix on it, so you show him how to use it and he seems happy distracting himself with that. You walk in a few hours later to see that Javier hasn't moved, but Molly is now by his side, also engulfed in the drag show on the screen. Javier has a thick pair of false lashes on that Molly managed to put on him, and the first thing he says to you is "can you believe this? They voted her off! I... I can't believe this." He's shaking his head and looks like he's about to cry. Charles discovers your computer, and you decide he'd be happy just browsing the web. You come back hours later to find 100 tabs open and your computer fan is louder than an airplane. The current tab open is on a 'where's Waldo?' piece. He's very close to the screen, and you decide to show him how to zoom in to help him find Waldo faster. He's very thankful, and not causing any damages so you leave him to it. Lenny also rummages through your kitchen and finds a pizza in the freezer. He asks you what it is, so you put it in the oven for him. He spends the whole 15 minutes sitting in front of the oven, briefly saying hello to Sean as he runs through. Lenny manages to get the pizza out without burning himself, turns the oven off, cuts up the pizza and takes it upstairs to enjoy with Jack. Yes, he also fed Sean a slice. Sean finds the energy drinks in your fridge that you keep for work. They tasted a little funny at first, but after the third one, he's decided he likes them. You catch him opening his fourth, his eyes are wider than the moon. He cries when you take it off him, and spends the rest of the day running around the garden with your dogs, followed by going to each member of the camp and personally annoying them until he crashes out under your dining table. It's a cozy spot for a nap. Kieran uses your computer after Charles comes off it, and discovers youtube. He starts off with simple cat videos and eventually moves on to fails and meme comps. By the time dinner rolls around, nobody can understand him, and you barely understand half the things he's saying. The only thing you do understand is "big mood," which is what Kieran says when he sees Sean asleep under the dining table. Pearson decides to avoid the kitchen and try something new, and you're quick to decide he'd enjoy rock music. You show him a couple of CD's and leave him to have a listen, only to come storming back up the stairs a few minutes later because he's turned the volume up to full blast and is having a rather funky jam session. "Now this, this is real music!!" He's really enjoying the classics. Trelawny is quick to figure out how to use the TV. He's seen "those moving picture shows" before, and he's mesmerized by how far they've come! You catch him up at 5am watching documentaries to help bridge the gap between his time and yours, and when you walk into the lounge, you're met by a very sleep deprived Trelawny. The only thing he says to you, with heavy bags under his eyes, is "terribly sorry to hear about all these wars you've been having, my dear." He finally goes to bed, but only because you make him. Swanson disappears, but there's a church down the road from you so you decide to check there first. He's inside, joining in on the ceremony, singing his heart out to all the hymns with a real bible in his hands, not the fake one he has back at camp. He seems content so you leave him to it. He thankfully returns just in time for dinner, and tells everybody how he's been blessed and that we can "never leave this land!" Strauss also disappears very quickly, and you have to search for him when you go to look for Dutch. He's also at the lemonade stand, trying to explain to Dutch that if the child sells the lemonade for more, then they're less likely to get customers as it's too expensive. The two of them are arguing, and the child seems rather confused. Strauss later has a breakdown at the noise your toilet makes, he informs you that he'll be using your outside bathroom, even if it is just the bushes. Micah says he doesn't need you to show him the ropes and swats you away, so you leave him to it. You've not seen him for a good few hours, so you run around the house trying to find him. You eventually find him in your room, going through your underwear draw. Arthur is quick to knock his lights out, and you leave him tied up in the garage so he can't do any more damage. Micah also pissed all over your toilet seat and didn't flush. Abigail joins Trelawny in the lounge, watching the TV after Jack tells her he's happy playing with the toys in your room. She and Trelawny have an argument over what to watch next, so you give her your laptop to watch TV on, along with a pair of headphones. She refuses to come off a few hours later because she's way too engulfed in the modeling show she's watching. You promise her you'll let her give you a makeover if she comes off, and she finally agrees. Jack discovers your big box of legos and he seems more than content playing with those. He ends up building a fort, with the help of Lenny, and the two fire pillows at you when you try and enter the room. The pillow canons are, of course, made from legos. At least they're not lego pillows! Jack also thanks you for the pizza, describing it as 'yummy.' Sadie finds your katana collection, and you're quick to take them off her and attempt to hide them. She spends some time pretending to be interested in something else, but as soon as you turn your back for a split second, she's found them again and is heading straight for Kieran. The room where you keep your katanas is now locked and Sadie is in time out. Susan comes across your sewing machine and you're happy to show her how it works. She picks it up quickly, and her eyes glisten as she realizes just how fast this thing is. You leave her be since she's not causing any harm, but come back an hour later to find she's made new a new dress for herself, and all the girls in the gang, including Sadie. They're all matching! Tilly finds your piano and tells you she's happy to be left to her own devices, she knows how to play. You eventually have to tell her and Susan to calm down after receiving another noise complaint, as Susan is attempting to sing opera, and Tilly is killing it on the piano. At least she hasn't damaged anything. She later joins Mary-Beth in time to watch Beauty and the Beast, also sobbing at the film. Karen goes into your garage and discovers your old golf clubs. You show her how it works in your garden, but just like everybody else, it goes wrong. Your neighbor knocks on your door, screaming, demanding to know why you keep firing golf balls through their window. That's when you find Karen and Sean (who is still on his energy drink high) having a contest to see who can smash the most. Mary-Beth discovers your kindle, and she seems rather content with being able to read. There's no way this could possibly go wrong? Well, you come back a little later to find that Mary-Beth is sobbing after reading Beauty and the Beast. She wants a sappy romance just like that to happen to her. She cries even harder when she watches the Disney film, along with Trelawny who hasn't moved from the TV for hours. Molly picks up your tablet, and after showing her what youtube is, you leave her to it. You find her a few hours later sat in front of your mirror with the most flawless, full face of makeup. She greets you by going "hey sisters!" and speaks to you like a vsco girl. You have no idea what she's saying, but she seems to be doing fine, so you leave her to it.

“I’ve got you”

Warnings: smut (18+), mob!tom x fem shy reader, cursing, badly written.

Please send in requests this is my first smut so don’t hate me pls.

(Gif not mine)

READERS POV

“Ugh” I said as I threw my bag down on the couch the minute I stepped through the front door. I had just gotten home from a meeting at work that I didn’t really want to go to anyways. I decompressed my body by stretching out my arms and letting my head sink low to stretch out my neck.

“No, I told you, that’s not the fucking deal. I’ve had enough Dante....No.”

I heard Tom on the phone as he paced through the hallway back towards me.

Tom and I had just began dating and we hadn’t really done anything sexual yet but I really wanted to, all the time. You see him? Yeah, I’m ready to jump his bones ;) every 12 seconds.

I knew he was in a shady business but I didn’t really care about that as long as he was safe.

“Okay, I got it.” He huffed as he hung up. His eyes instantly met mine and he shuffled towards me.

“I’m sorry darlin, I didn’t mean for you to hear that” his arms wrapped around me “How was your day?” He questioned. His cologne surrounded us and my mind relaxed from such a stressful day.

“I-uh, it was fine” I said as I looked up with a half smile. He kissed me on the nose and asked “are you sure?”

It was weird how this man could go from all pissed off baddie to a lovey lil bitch every time he saw me.

“Yeah, I just didn’t wanna go today” I shared. God the way his long sleeve black button up curved to his muscles made my core throb.

He sat down on the couch and patted his lap. “Come here and tell me about it.”

“-are, are you sure?”

Again me and Tom were a fairly new thing not to add that I’m terribly shy with him.

“You’ll be alright darling, I’ve got you.” As he pulled me down on his lap and held me close. I was tense at first but when my eyes met his I melted further in love with him.

“So tell me, who made your day bad?” He stated as he clenched his jaw at the thought of someone being a hinderance to you. He was always so protective.

As I was straddling his lap I realized a sudden wetness that made me blush, but I quickly spoke so he wouldn’t notice.

“It wasn’t- it’s not really a person that made it bad it’s just I didn’t really wanna be a person today” I nervously chuckled.

His hands were dangerously close to my ass and I wanted nothing more than to move his hands for him and attack his neck with my lips.

But we’ve never had sex before, what if he isn’t ready and I make it awkward?

As my mind was rushing he put his lips on mine for a quick peck and said “I’m sorry your day was bad, anything I can do?” He rubbed up and down my sides which made my face erupt in fire.

“You could- you could uhh”

I wanted to be ballsy but of course I had to talk myself out of it. But I was in too deep now.

“What is it?” He questioned putting his face closer to mine.

“Are you blushing?” He asked which only made me blush harder. He realized what I was asking and he snaked his head to the side of my neck and gave me a peck there and then whispered dangerously close to my ear “what do you need darling?”

His voice low and sexy, I wanted to tell him to rail me but I couldn’t bring myself to it.

“Can you- can you touch me?”

“Where would you like me to touch you?” He said still close to my ear.

“Anywhere” I finally breath out and his hands immediately grab my ass and his lips attack my neck.

I sigh in relief as my hands grab his brown locks. His lips explore my neck for a bit but once he found my sweet spot I tugged on his hair a bit and moaned.

His hands working my ass and thighs as his lips were on me was heaven in of itself.

“Like this?” He said continuing to suck purple marks on my neck.

I paused for a minute to think about what I should say.

He leaned back to look me in the eyes, I immediately blushed. “You don’t have to be shy darling, I love you. Let me make you feel good. Is that okay?”

I nodded quickly with a smile knowing this man is the man for me. I looked in his eyes as I grabbed the top button of his shirt. He nodded in agreement that I could take it off and I started to unbutton. He was rubbing up and down my thighs as I worked on each button and once I got his shirt open I felt myself almost dripping.

I slid my hand down his chest as I went back in for a kiss and this time it was different. He wanted to take his time with me. He wasn’t just hungry for sex, he really wanted to make me feel comfortable.

My hand traveled down to his abs and I moaned involuntarily. I knew he was ripped and I had seen him before but something about touching his body right now made me want him so much more.

He continued to kiss me as he all of a sudden flipped us over. He laid me on my back as he slipped the rest of his shirt off. He then tugged at the bottom of my top and looked at me for permission.

“Please,” I said just ready for him to fill me up. He peeled my shirt off and kissed me again. He then looked at me for permission again suggesting that I take off my bra. I lean up and start to take it off as he leans up and takes off his belt.

Once my breasts were exposed I realized how hard my nipples were. He immediately put his face in the valley and started to kiss and suck wherever he could. He was so hungry to have me and I was so ready to be his.

He finally wrapped his lips around my left nipple and I let out a pornographic moan. My hand flew to his hair as he sucked and licked on the sensitive bud.

He gave just the same amount of love to the other. I moved my leg up and my thigh grazed against his buldge. He came back up to kiss me as my hands roamed all over his back and shoulders and hair.

I love every part of him.

I then got a little cocky ;) and reached my hand down and palmed his bulge through his pants.

He looked up at me in shock, but his expression soon turned to pleasure. I kissed him again passionately.

“Oh fuck this, I need you” he scooted down to pull off my skirt and panties in one go. He kissed my hip before he spread my legs.

“You’re so beautiful,” he said as he ran his fingers along my folds. A huff escaped my lips as I wanted him inside me. “God you’re so wet..can’t wait to get inside you”

He slipped two fingers inside me. I moaned as he worked me perfectly. His fingers curled at just the right spot and his thumb slowly worked my clit. My face got hot and the knot in my stomach grew bigger and bigger.

“You close?”

I nodded in response

“Use your words darling”

At this point I didn’t care I just wanted to feel close to him. “Fuck, tommy I’m close. Mmph I’m really fucking close” I almost screamed

“Let go darling I’ve got you” he said as he leaned up to kiss my forehead.

And with that my body let go. My hands gripped bis bicep and the couch cushion. My back arched and my eyes screwed shut as I released all over his hand.

I tried to slowly catch my breath with my eyes still closed. When I open my eyes he is inbetween my legs with just his boxer briefs on.

He leaned down to kiss me, he caressed the side of my face “are you alright?”

I smiled at him and sighed “of course I am”

“Can you still take me?”

I nodded as I looked down at his now very apparent boner. I didn’t know how big he was, I had an idea but I didn’t really know how perfect he was until he pulled his undies down and his cock sprang out.

He pulled at himself a few times before he lined up with my entrance.

“Is this alright? We don’t have to if you don’t want to”

“Please fuck me” I said as I looked him in the eyes

“Oh fuck” he muttered as he pushed himself in

He was stretching me out so good but it was a bit painful because of how big he was.

“Move, p-please.”

He slowly moved in and out and that pain turned into incredible pleasure. He leaned down and kissed me to try and muffle his moans.

He stopped kissing me to look down and watch him slide in and out. His grunts were so sexy that I wrapped my arms around his neck and scratched at his back when he picked up his pace.

He leaned up to look at me and what he was doing.

The familiar knot started to form again as I saw him in all of his glory.

Him naked, glistening with sweat, hair stuck to his forehead, face flushed, and him thrusting in and out of me, and his concentrated face on what he’s doing.

He kept going and my knot started to unravel.

“I’m-im close”

“Me too baby, come with me.”

He leaned down again in missionary just to kiss me and I’m pretty sure he wanted to hold me as I came.

The knot finally came undone and my back arched as he grunted right in my ear. I felt his cock twitch as he filled me up. He slowed down to help me ride out my high.

He flopped down next to me.

“Wow.”

“Yeah, Wow” I responded.

“Are you okay?”

“Tommy, I’m absolutely perfect right now. Thank you.”

I kissed him again as he wrapped his arms around me.

I was weirdly comfortable being naked in front of him.

“I love you.”

“I love you more tommy”

Shigaraki x Silly!Reader

As usual, this is rather gender-neutral and the horny got me because I fukn love Shiggy 🥵😍 but yeah, enjoy!

You typed up a report of the latest incident between Endeavor and the league of Villains. Well, actually, you were just editing your boss's writing. She was a journalist and you were her assistant. You rolled your eyes, reading through it and fixing any grammar mistakes or typos you came across. Why the hell is she making Endeavor seem so god damn perfect? I mean, when you first met him, you told the guy a joke and he hasn't stopped glaring at you ever since. You rolled your eyes at just the thought of that fuck-faced jackass.

Not only were you the editor, but you were also the secretary in the news office building which is a whole different job as it is. You blew a bubble from your gum and turned your music in your earbuds up a bit more, since the day was going slow. Yeah, there'd be a scoop here and there but not a lot.

You looked up to see a guy with red eyes and a black hoodie grinning evily while saying stuff to you. You just stared at him until he finished talking. He looked at you and you looked at him. You spat your gum in a tissue then took out your earbuds. You smiled softly at the man. "I'm sorry, you said you wanted a visitors' pass?"

The man looked at you with a blank stare at first. "You didn't hear anything I just said?" You shook your head. He frowned and tilted his head in annoyance, "I was talking for like 3 minutes straight." You just blinked. "I just explained my whole reasoning for kidnapping you for information on Endeavor."

You smiled at him, "Im sorry sir, I'm just the secretary, but the information desk is on floor three, just take that elevator to the right and-"

"What the fuck, bitch?!" He opened his arms wide in anger, "Do you not recognize me from the news?!"

You put a finger on your chin and tapped it in thought for a moment, before clicking your tongue and snapping your finger, "Ah, you must be a pro hero or something!" His jaw dropped. "Wow, no wonder youre so handsome!" You took the bottle of lotion out of your desk's drawer and offered him some. "If you're going on an interview you could use some of this though!" He glared at you before snapping his fingers, and thats when you found out who he is.

The entire League of villains showed up and your eyes widened in fear. The man known as Shigaraki Tomura laughed harshly with a gleam in his eyes, "Recognize me yet, (Y/N) (L/N)?!"

You stared at him again in fear. You then snorted, "Hank the handy man?" And thats when he lunged at you, only for Shigaraki to fall into one of Kurogiri's portals. You laughed with tears in your eyes as the burnt up goth boy snickered. Kurogiri elbowed Dabi and Dabi wiped away a bloody tear in his own eye as he held your arms behind your back.

Dabi chuckled quietly in your ear a small, "You gotta teach me some insults if you live." And you snorted as you consentualy walked into a portal, not even mad at being kidnapped.

You were in what seemed to be a lounge area, seated on a chair with your arms handcuffed to the back of you. You looked around, innocently smiling, "Wowie, nice place you guys got here!" Spinner looked at Dabi confused as you started humming. "So, uh, whatcha need me for?"

Mange spoke up, "Wait, how are you so calm about this?"

You chuckled, "Hey, this chair is comfy, I'm off from work now, and I got to see a cute guy up-close and personal!"

Dabi looked at you with a straight face. "No thank you."

You rose an eyebrow at him, "Dont flatter yourself, Rat, I'm talking about the one that tried to kill me." Shigaraki walked into the room, slightly pissed off as Kurogiri rubbed his back. "There he is! The handsome one!"

Shigaraki glared at you. "Don't patronize me." You were about to speak, but he cut you off before even getting the chance, "You're working with Yuki Ino, the Journalist who's been interviewing pro heros, including Endeavor." You nodded, not understanding if that was supposed to be taken as a question or not. "Tell me everything about what's happened to All Might, why he retired, and how to end Endeavor, including the Pro-heros' plans to take down my organization."

You stared at him for a good minute before sneezing, "Sorry, what did you say? I disasociated."

Shigaraki twitched before scratching his neck violently. "What do you know about the number 1 pro hero?!"

"What?!" You looked at him in utter confusion. "I cant even remember what I had for breakfast, how the fuck do you expect me to remember anything about Enslaver?"

The red eyed male scratched his neck faster. "Endeavor."

You looked in even more confusion, "What the fuck is that?"

Shigaraki pulled you by your shirt closer to him in pure anger, "His hero name! Its Endeavor, not Enslaver!"

You blushed and fluttered your lashes, "Wow, the way your crimson gems glisten even in such dim lighting is so mesmerizing..." You puckered your lips and moved forward, but Shigaraki just let go of your shirt in utter disgust.

"I dont speak Wattpad."

You smiled at him happily, "I mean, I know that I should be scared because you're hella intimidating, but geez louis, your eyes are pretty! If you don't end up killing me can I be your boo thang?" You grinned and thats when he lunged at wwnnaqqa again, only for Kurogiri to put himself in front of you, again, so Shigaraki just fell into his portal, again.

Kurogiri just quietly mumbled out a small, "Lets take a break." Before going to the bar and throwing back a shot of some alcohol.

Later:

Shigaraki crossed his arms in front of the League with you in another room. "She was trying to seduce me like a slut to get out of death! Playing with my emotions?! Like I'm an ,idiot?! How dare she?!"

rtserrr

Dabi sat back, watching as Toga practiced her knife throwing on Twice. The burt man shrugged nonchalauntly, "She seemed legit to me."

Toga and Twice both nodded with a little, "Mhm," as Toga threw a knife at an apple on Twice's head.

Shigaraki just frowned. "Have you people seen me?" They all stopped what they were doing, looked at their boss and then put their hands up to their faces while cringing.

Kurogiri walked in, dragging you in a chair behind him. He placed you right in front of Shigaraki and you smiled awkwardly at him, "Sorry if i made you feel uncomfortable, Mister Shigaraki, I just can't help myself when I see a cute guy like you, though!" You giggled and shrugged as Twice awed at the nonexistent budding romance.

Shigaraki looked at you with disgust and concern. "You seriously think that I'm cute?"

You tilted your head cutely with a small smile"That's why I asked you out, what the hell?" You chuckled softly and Shigaraki blushed with a frown as he stared at you.

He scratched at his neck, took a shot of alcohol and sighed. "Just tell me everything you know about Endavor, okay?"

You frowned deeply with a small groan, "Ugh! He's kinda a asshole! I told him "Good morning, Teletubby Sun" and he just glarred really hard at me!" You frowned and pouted before mumbling out a small, "I mean, it was just a joke..."

Shigaraki pinched the bridge of his nose in utter frustration while Dabi fucking died of laughter in the background, "Anything actually important?"

You furrowed your eyebrows, "Hey! That's totally important!"

A weak, hourse, "it is!" came from Dabi and you grinned.

"See, he gets it!"

He glared daggers into you and got closer to your face. "Do you not understand the danger you're in?" He snarled. "I can kill you right now if you dont submit."

You poked your lips out jokingly before giggling out, "I get it, but who's to say I don't wanna die?" You winked at him.

Shigaraki stared at you calmly, not leaving your goofy grin. "Everyone out of the room. Now." And everyone did as they were told and left, all praying for you.

Shigaraki silently cut your restraints and you started rubbing your wrists while smiling, "Thank you! You know, that was starting to hurt-"

He grabbed you by your hair and flung you onto the floor. The wind was knocked out of you and to make matters worse, he placed a foot on your chest, glarring down at you. "This isn't a game, you stupid fucking cunt." Shigaraki laughed darkly, seeing your jokester smile twist into a horrified grit as you struggled to breath. "I mean, are you dumb or something?! Your worthless life is on the line and you really couldn't care less?! "His hands covered his mouth, holding back another laugh, though you could hear it in his voice, "You're so fucking pathetic, I don't even feel like wasting my time killing you~!" He pushed his foot down harder.

You gasped for air, clawing at his foot to pry it off. "S-Shigaraki, sir-" A crack was echoed as he pushed his foot down harder on your now broken sternum. You scream out as tears fell from your face from the pain, "Please, p-please remove your f-foot..."

Shigaraki only laughed harder, cupping a hand over his cheek, ring finger raised, "Oh all of a sudden you care about your life, huh?" He straddled you, pinning you down with your wrists in one hand, and your neck in his other. "You think you can just flirt with me like the little slut you are and get off Scott free, huh?" You choked and Shigaraki drew closer to your ear, "Where's that attitude gone now, huh? Oh, can you not speak anymore? Tell me, please, how many dicks have you taken already. How the hell did you get a job," his face scrunched up in fury, "at a god damn Hero News agency without knowing shit about any heros, huh?! You probably slept with everyone there. Didnt you? Flirting with them to get what you want just like with me?"

Your face was hot and you were crying and choking at his words and actions, "N-No! That's not-" you gasped hard, unable to breath properly, "not me at all!"

Shigaraki loosened his grip on your neck. He glarred deep into your soul. "Then why the hell were you flirting with me back there? I'm not dumb, (Y/N), I'm a very fucking capable man!"

You smiled awkwardly, thankful that you could breath a little better. "I just think you're HANDsome!" Shigaraki's cheeks tinted pink as he glared at you. He let his grip go completely as you choked and coughed before looking up with a smile, "And this position... w-with you on top of me is really lewd, so can you maybe..." You trailed off as he just stared harder at you.

Shigaraki blinked, expressionless. "I'm pinning you down on the verge of killing you and the only think you can think of is getting fucked by me?" You looked away, struggling a bit with the feeling of awkwardness and arousal. He smirked, feeling your neck get hotter. "You really are a little fucking whore aren't you?" And with that, he softly kissed your lips.

Your face went hot as you looked up at him. "What was that for?" He kissed you again, this time longer. "S-shigaraki..." You pouted and looked away. "Theres something I should tell you..."

"Hm?" He tilted his head with a smirk, waiting for you to tell him that you're still a virgin.

"You shouldve taken my lotion earlier." You laughed out and he started choking you again. "Joking- J- Joking!" Shigaraki glarred down at you before tongue kissing you much more rough. You moaned as it thrashed against your tongue, saliva dripping out the side of your mouth. Shigaraki bit your lip softly before dragging his tongue down your chin and onto your neck. He licked and sucked on it as you bit your bottom lip. Tomura came back up and tongue kissed you for only a second before grabbing your shirt with all five fingers. You gasped and covered up your bra. "H-Hey! Gentlemen ask for permission first!" You frowned and he just grabbed you by your jaw.

He mocked you with a fake pouty voice, "Oh, that's my bad for not being a fucking gentleman. Can I pwease fuck you??" Tomura rolled his eyes, "Now shut the fuck up and let me suck on your nipples." Shigaraki's mouth immediately locked with your left nipple as his fingers played with your right. He laughed, hearing you softly mumble his name. His mouth left your chest with a small pop and he looked down at you with a smirk, "Dont be shy saying my name, (Y/N); I'm gonna need you to get used to screaming it anyways." And with that, he licked his lips then placed his tongue on your torso, dragging it all the way down to your work pants.

He decenigrated your pants and underwear happily. Shigaraki brought his face to your slit and took a hard lick, a finger shoving itself inside of your tight hole. You moaned loudly, confused. "Tomura, a warning next time!?" He just pumped his finger inside of you slowly as his tongue played with your privates. You moaned while holding his head down on you, your fingers twisted in his hair, as he sucked you off like a cherry. You panted heavily and he stuck another finger in you. Shigaraki then lifted his head off you.

"I'd warn you that time, but you're kind of suffocating me, so maybe, don't fucking push down so hard!" You frowned and just pushed his head back in between your thighs. He kissed and licked more, groaning whenever you'd thrust into his mouth deeper. Shigaraki chuckled at how you'd only get quiet when hes making you moan.

You shivered and groaned, coming closer and closer to your climax. Shigaraki noticed and immediately pulled off of you. He wipped his mouth with the back of his hand and grabbed you by the hair. "Alright, slut, you've had your fun." He pulled you towards him and you fell on the floor, right in front of his groin. Tomura sat, grinned down at you with one leg up, "You gonna just stare or are you sucking me off?"

You rolled your eyes before pulling his pants and boxers down. Oh wow, you were not expecting this... You put a hand over your mouth and blushed hard. He was only semi hard and already a good 8 inches, what the hell?? It was thin, but long, kind of like the rest of him.

Shigaraki frowned down at you, blushing hard, "What? Is something wrong with it?? I-I've never done this before, asshole, so stop making me feel bad!"

You felt a smile rise onto your lips. Is he... getting flustered? You chuckled and looked up at him, pumping slowly, "It's just intimidating." You licked the tip and gulped, feeling a bit nervous, "But, I'll try to take it all in, okay?"

You placed your lips on his tip and suck it as your hands jerked him off. He groaned, grabbing your head with 4 fingers. You gradually took more and more into your mouth, using your hands for whatever didn't fit. You bobbed your head up and down on him, speeding up. Shigaraki groaned your name.

"F-Fuck, Y/N, you really know what you're doing!" He pressed his hand on the back of your head harder, forcing more of him into you. You gagged and choked as Tomura just laughed, "God, you're taking it all in like a good little sex slave, aren't you?" You moaned at the name and shigaraki shuttered, "Mm, your moans feel so fucking good on my cock!" He breathed harder, "Fuck, Y/N, I need you to touch yourself while sucking me." You brought your hand to your slit and rubbed at it, moaning. Shigaraki groaned, "Fuck, Just like that!"

You gagged and moaned on his dick, feeling it twitch in your mouth. A lewd little 'pop' echoed in the room as you let off. Shigaraki frowned and you gave him a cheeky grin, "No sticky icky for you!" He groaned in annoyance.

"God, why are you like this?!?" He grabbed your arm and threw you roughly on the bed. Before you knew it, Shigaraki was already inside of you. Your face went hot as he fucked you doggy style.

You screamed, "A warning!!! We've been over this!!!" He responded with a slap on your ass.

Tomura rode your ass, grinding into you and groaning while doing it. "Fuck off, Y/N, you're a horny mess just like me, dumbass!" You screamed his name as his thrusts became faster and deeper. Shigaraki pulled both of your wrists back and down, making you kneel, your back pressed against his chest as he fucked into you. "Fuck, you're so fucking tight..." Shigaraki sloppily kissed your neck. You breathed harder as his dick hit the spot over and over. Shigaraki flipped you over onto your back. You laid underneath him as he paused. Tomura blushed harder and looked away, "I-I wanna really savor this..." he smirked, glaring in your eyes, "Plus I wanna know what you look like, full of my cum!"

You were flustered and giggling, "Its the ✨mood switch✨ for me-"

Tomura placed a hand over your mouth, "No. You just lost your speaking privileges."

Shigaraki grinded into you slowly. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head and drool seeped from your lips. Shigaraki held your waist, pulling you whenever he's press himself deep inside of you. You were speechless from the pleasure. You moaned and whined as his body slowly moved with yours.

You pressed the back of your hand to your face, feeling a bit embarrassed at the change of atmosphere. It was so easy to just enjoy him fucking you silly and laughing and everything, but you couldn't bring yourself to feel any other emotion rather than pleasure muxed in with something new.

Shigaraki placed his forehead against yours and breathed harder, "I-I'm getting there, Y/N..." He let out a breathy moan and your legs shaked. Tomura kissed you softly as well. "A-Ah, you're almost there t-too, right?"

You nodded, feeling a knot in your stomach. You moaned and Shigaraki pulled out, cumming all over you. You moaned, climaxing too.

You were covered in cum and panting. You couldn't even find words to say. It just felt so good. Shigaraki cuddled up to you. He smiled and kissed your cheek. "I'm giving you your speaking privileges back now." You stayed silent, your face hot. It was hard for you to be serious, but God damn. Tomura looked at you a bit concerned, "You okay-"

"That was amazing."

He looked surprised before laughing hard. "Did I really leave you speechless?" You nodded, silently. Shigaraki kissed your lips, "That sucks because, even though you're annoying, I kinda like you."

Your eyes widened. He liked your jokes and stupid comments?! Your mouth became ajar. "I-I..." You just closed your mouth, staring at him.

Shigaraki placed his arm over you. He smiled, "Lets hang out tomorrow."

You smiled back.

this might be very triggering so its fine if u dont do it, but kells self harming secretly and em finding out and kells thinks he’s gonna be mad but em is comforting instead

sorry for the ask, im the same anon that went thru a break up and it aint going well

tw: self harm 

I’m sorry my love, break ups are rough and it really sounds like ur goin thru it. sorry this took a while! but hopefully you’ve had time to heal a bit between sending this ask nd now. 

psa to all I’ve never self harmed, so i’m just hoping this captures the idk headspace? alright :/ 

He started when he was a teenager. That’s how long he’s been doing this shit. It’s fucking shameful that he hasn’t grown out of it in over a decade, but it’s also one of the only things that’s consistently soothed him. When weed isn’t enough to calm him, or shake him from a spiral of self-loathing, he always comes back to this. Not because it makes him feel better, but because it makes him feel something. 

He can focus on the pain and only the physical pain. His emotions, the real world shit he has to deal with, can fall to the side for a moment and he can revel in the hurt. The hurt that he has control over. 

That’s a part of it, too. Control. So much of the existential pain he feels is beyond what he himself can change. Everyone gets to have an opinion on him, and regardless if it’s good or bad, he has to know it and internalize it. He has no choice. Time moves on and he can’t control what his past self has done, but the regret eats him alive. His head spins when he thinks about all of the shit that’s wrong in his life that he no longer has the power to change. 

But the harm he does himself? Knowingly and methodically? It’s all controlled. He’s got it all under control. 

Or at least he did. Recently, he’s had the itch to hurt more and more frequently. There’s so much going on in his life that he’s no longer in control of even the one thing that makes him feel grounded. The old scars and fresh wounds are getting harder to hide. Even on his inked skin, raised bumps and sensitive bruises are easy to find when his boyfriend spends all of his time roaming his hands gently over his body. 

But Em can’t find out. Colson refuses to let him. He’d think Colson is pathetic (he is). He’d be disgusted by him (he should be). He’d hate him (but he couldn’t hate him more than Colson hates himself). 

He tries not to hurt himself around Em because of this, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. Sometimes he needs it. 

Colson sneaks out of bed one night at Em’s place while his boyfriend is sleeping. On his way out, he grabs his small bag that has just a few of the items he uses to hurt himself. His fingers shake around the bag and his breath quickens in his chest. 

Ain’t it funny that the shame he feels from doing this just makes him want to do it more? 

When he makes it to a bathroom far enough away from Em’s room that he doubts he would make the effort to find him all the way down here, he lays the bag on the counter and opens it up. 

This hadn’t started with the razor blades and lighters he keeps in the bag. He’s worked himself here from pulling out his leg hair and scratching his own arms raw just to feel the sting. The older and more well known he got, the more out of control he felt, and from there he made the jump from nervous ticks to genuine self harm. 

He used to starve himself, too. He thinks back to only a couple of years ago and picks up the lighter. He could go days without eating, even while on tour. There were times where he’d pass out after shows from the hunger, but he’d write it off to others as exhaustion. That had been one of the most pleasing ways to hurt himself. The gentle build up to physical depletion to match what he felt emotionally was fulfilling in a way he couldn’t possibly explain to anyone. 

And that’s why he stopped. Em started to catch on. He started to ask questions no one had asked before. He was obsessed with feeding Colson and keeping him healthy. 

Colson started eating regularly because Em would’ve hated to know his not eating wasn’t just absent-minded forgetting. He would’ve been so disappointed to find out it was deliberate starvation. Colson didn’t want to disappoint Em. 

He still doesn’t. Colson puts the lighter on the counter and takes out one of his blades, too. Em would hate to see this. He wouldn’t understand. 

Inhaling shakily through his nose, Colson looks between his two options for tonight. He leaves the blade on the counter and picks up the lighter. Em is sure to notice if he has a fresh cut. A burn is easier to hide. 

He flicks the lighter to life and is deciding where to hold it on his body when he hears the first knock. 

“Kells.” Shit. He loosens his grip on the lighter and the flame goes out. 

What is Em doing out of bed, and what the fuck is he doing down here?

“Kells,” Em tries again, “You good?” 

“I’m fine.” He lies. 

“Are you fucking smoking in there?” Outside, Em’s voice grows suspicious. He heard the lighter go on and now he thinks Colson is smoking weed in his bathroom. That would be easier to explain. 

After too long of a pause he says, “No.” 

Em doesn’t give a warning before he throws open the bathroom door. Colson wants to knock his head into the mirror for not thinking to lock it. He dives for the blade on the counter, but Em is staring right at it. 

“What the fuck?” Em looks between Colson and the counter multiple times. It’s a stupid overdramatic response, but he wants to slit his fucking wrists from that look. 

Em’s brow furrows. Colson feels sick to his stomach. Em is pissed at him. He’s disgusted by him. He doesn’t know whether to throw him out or call a mental hospital. He hates him. He must be so angry. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to find out. I was trying to hide it. I shouldn’t have done it here. I know it’s fucking sick. I know it’s fucking crazy to cut and burn myself, I know but I...” Excuses and apologies trip over each other running off of his tongue. 

“You’re cutting yourself?” Em interrupts him. His intense gaze sweeps over Colson. He’s not disgusted or angry like he’d thought. He’s shocked, confused, and even a bit hurt. 

“I... yeah.”

“Why?” A loaded question like that shoots Colson right through the chest. Why? He can hardly answer the question to himself, how is he supposed to explain it to Em?

Em said it himself, he was just clownin’ when talking about cutting himself, how fucked up does someone have to be to actually do that? Colson doesn’t want to explain to Em how fucked up he is.

When he doesn’t answer, Em looks back down at the blade and then at the lighter still in his hand. Kells sees the thousands of things he wants to say and the million questions he wants to ask in his eyes. Finally his eyes set, and Kells braces himself for the next thing to come out of Em’s mouth. 

“Don’t do that shit tonight, yeah? Just come back to bed.” The response shocks Colson even more silent than he’d been. Does he still want to know why, or is he just dropping it? 

As if reading his mind, Em shrugs, “You can tell me why when you’re ready. Tonight, I just want to cuddle your ass.” He holds out his hand to Colson and laces their fingers together tightly when he grabs on. Em tugs him gently out of the bathroom and down the hall back to his room. Colson leaves the lighter and the blade on the counter. 

When they’re back in bed, Em holds him differently than he has before, His arm feels weighted, it presses Colson gently down into the bed, unable to move from the hold. Em holds him from behind protectively and breathes into Colson’s neck. It’s so close it’s almost claustrophobic, but Colson wouldn’t pull away from it even if he could. The urge to hurt himself is immediately replaced by the need to burrow in closer to Em’s grounding touch. 

He falls asleep easily, letting the last of his shame and fear at Em’s reaction leave his body without a fight. 

In the morning, he goes to clean his stuff up in the bathroom, or to throw it away, but not to use it. When he gets there, the bag, the razor, and the lighter are nowhere to be found. Instead of being anxious at the loss, he feels a bit calmed by it. 

This isn’t the end. He won’t be able to stop hurting himself just because Em got rid of a few of his blades and one of his many designated lighters, but it is a start. 

Em knows now, he’s looking out for it. And if the way he always acts toward him, from the making sure Colson is eating to the cuddle last night is any indication, he’ll be there when Colson needs it. He’ll take care of him. 

Angel - Chapter 4

alright my pedrhoes kits heres, this ones a bit shorter, kind of a filler chapter. 

warnings: angst, no smut this chapter, just pining and angst, im trying to do rach proud. 

Masterlist

The next few weeks went by with you trying your best to disconnect your emotions from your situation with Max. You focused on getting your workload handled, and giving Max the best head to hopefully deflect from the fact that, as you had unfortunately found out recently, you think you were falling for Max. 

        Admittedly, you didn’t see this coming, not from a mile away. You’d sleep with plenty of men to get their money, you never fell for them, you never even really cared for them. But here you were, so totally infatuated with Max that you were starting to worry about how this might affect your work if he found out, or your living situation. You've been paying the rent at your old apartment since you started working for Max, always ready for the worst case.         And here you were, three weeks since the gala, finally on top of your work and beginning work on the next marketing campaign for Lord Industries, you hadn’t really spent much time with Max outside of work and sex, but you figured that’s how he liked it, he didn’t ask you to spend time outside of that, so you guessed he really had no interest in spending time with you outside of that.         You were sat on the phone with the marketing team in the LA sector of the company, giving them a briefing for what you intended this campaign to be.         “Listen I don’t care how hard this is for you Matilda, this is one of the biggest campaigns we're going to run this year and if you’re not up to it I’m more than happy to advise Maxwell on your capacity. Neither of us want that but this has to go smoothly and if it doesn’t both of our heads will roll. Now, can you get the networks to agree to run the advertisement by next week?” you hadn’t realised how bossy you could be until you began working as the head of the department, you didn’t like it but Max enjoyed watching you bust balls, he’d never admit it, but he found so much joy in knowing that such a dominant woman was at his mercy in the bedroom.         “Yes ma’am” Matilda's voice quivered a moment and you felt so bad, but you weren’t joking, if this campaign had any kinks you were both going down for it, and you had no intention of allowing that to happen.         “Thank you, Matilda, call me if there’s anything you need a hand with.” you called down the phone just before you were abruptly hung up on.         Truth be told you didn’t know if you were handling everything the way you should be. Jade seemed to think it would be best for you to tell Maxwell how you were feeling but the moment she brought up the idea you promptly shut it down by reminding her that she didn’t know Max. But you had to admit, it was getting harder not to tell him. Not to let it slip while he was fucking you, three words and you could turn fucking into making love, but you weren’t even ready to say those three words in your mind let alone to Maxwells face. You didn’t dare think how that would go down.         Before you could linger on the unholy terror that Maxwell would rain down on you, Sookie was bringing in more notes Maxwell had sent about how he would like the campaign to be run.         “Hey honey, you okay? you look a little stressed.” her tone was sweet but concerned, you hadn’t realised that your emotions were showing on your face. “Yeah, I’m okay I’m just stressing about the new campaign, we have a week, and New York is barely keeping up, LA is slacking and don’t even get me started on the international sectors.” you huffed out, taking the new notes from her.         “I don’t mean to pry but this doesn’t look like your stressed work face, this is new, well not really new, you’ve been wearing the same face since the gala, I just didn’t want to bring it up too soon because I figured it had something to do with Max, but I don’t know how it would involve Max,” you cut her off, she hadn’t realised that she was rambling. She tended to do that a lot. “Sookie, you’re rambling, but seriously I’m ok- wait what did you mean you figured it had something to do with Maxwell” you weren’t sure how she could come to that conclusion, you and Maxwell had only ever been respectful and professional at work, (the meetings in his office not counted, but no one saw those.)         “Oh, uhm, nothing, I don’t even know why I said that.” Sookie was nervous now, and you were damned if you weren’t going to find out why.         “Sookie, why are you nervous, what do you know?” you asked standing from your seat to walk closer to her.         “Nothing, I don’t know anything, I shouldn’t have said anything.”         “Sookie. What do you know?” you pressed her further, you were going to make her break.         “Please just, please don’t tell anyone I told you, Darius would be completely fucked if anyone found out that we talk about you and Maxwell,”         “You and Darius talk about me and Maxwell?!” you almost shouted, but it wasn’t an angered shout, more a nervous one. Why were they talking about you too?         “Yes, well, we didn’t intend to at first, but then it just sort of came up over lunch and then we started connecting the dots, well I did, Darius obviously already knew, but you knew that, and then we just sort of started comparing notes. Darius says he’s never seen Maxwell this happy and confident, and I know I haven’t known you long, but I know the look of a woman whore in love and I’m so sorry if I overstepped but Darius and I we just think you’re both absolutely crazy for not admitting it to each other. I’m sorry I'll stop now.”         Your head was spinning here. Sookie was informing you that she and Darius had been having regular conversations about the nature of your relationship with Max and now you have to try and comprehend the fact that they both know you lo-like Max, and that he likes you too. You had to sit down. You didn’t know what to say, you felt like you had been silent for hours, until Sookie broke the silence by asking if you were okay and if she still had a job. You told her that you were okay and that of course she still had a job you just needed a little time alone. And as she left you did what you’d been doing for the last few weeks, you pushed that shit down and got on with your work.         Or at least that’s what you planned to do.         By the time 5pm rolled around you’d barely made enough progress on the reports, all you could think about was what Sookie said, and trying to figure out if she was telling the truth about Max reciprocating his feelings or if she was trying to save you the embarrassment. And what you were going to do.         You took a cab home that day, opting out of driving with Darius wanting to void Maxwell at all costs. And yet, as you walked in through your door there he was, leaning against your kitchen counter. His head whipped around to look at you, “why didn’t you let Darius drive you home? Why would you take a cab?” not even a hello.         “I just needed to be alone this afternoon. The campaign is really stressing me out and I didn’t want my stress to rub off on you or Darius.” you lied, flopping onto the couch, and closing your eyes. Maxwell came up behind the couch and put his hands on your temples “Oh is my sweet angel feeling stressed, I know just what will help, come on, up.” he said coming around and pulling you off the lounge by your hands. You got up limply, not really wanting to engage Max, you really didn’t want to fuck him right now, but you felt like you had to. To keep your job, your house, your life that you’ve now become accustomed to. And Maxwell sensed this. He had a feeling for about a week that you didn’t want to be in this situation anymore, but quite frankly he didn’t want to lose you. He’d tried becoming a bit more affection, tried to show you that he appreciated you, but he knew he wasn’t doing the best at it, he’d never been affectionate, he didn’t even know why he felt compelled to keep you around, he could lie to himself and say it’s because he didn’t want to risk losing the best employee, he’s ever had but he knew that wasn’t the truth. He knew why he didn’t want to lose you. But he doesn’t believe it. How can he. He was always told that he was incapable of love. Why would you be the change? “Max, I’m sorry I just don’t feel very sexy right now. I don’t know if I can do this. I have so much work to do, but of course you already know that, and I’m not getting enough sleep, and I just, I don’t want to do this. I'm sorry.” you weren’t sure why, but your voice was beginning to shake as you said no to him. Maxwell noticed this, he dropped your hands and stood back, telling you that he wasn’t interested in doing anything if you weren’t comfortable. You sighed a breath of relief. One that did not go unnoticed by Maxwell, one that hurt Maxwell. “What was that? Why did you seem relieved? Like I wouldn’t let you say no? Do you really think that of me?” his tone became more urgent, almost angry. And it scared you. By the time he finished his sentence he was close to yelling and you flinched. “N-no I didn’t think that at all. I’m sorry I didn’t realise that my breathing would come across this way. I’ll be sure not to breathe from now on.” you were getting just as angry as he was acting. “Don’t you dare yell at me! How dare you? Who do you think you are? You do not get to yell at me.” Max’s voice bellowed out across the apartment and if his anger weren’t revving you up you would have been terrified. But right now, all you were, was pissed. “Oh, so you get to yell at me, but I don’t get to yell back. That’s fucking bullshit Max, you don’t get to yell at me if I can’t defend myself.” “I get to yell whenever the fuck I want, I run this city, this fucking country, and you are nothing but a low-level fucking whore. You mean nothing to the world. You mean nothing to me.” Your mother always told you that words could never hurt you, but in that moment, that one sentence broke you both. Max never meant to say it, and you were never supposed to hear those words fall from his lips. But you did, they did, he did. He realised what he said the moment he said it, his face never softening as he walked out of the apartment though, slamming the door behind him. And you broke. You fell to the floor in a fit of sobs and tears, waiting for someone to come and console you. But no one did. You were alone and you were broken on the floor of the apartment owned by Maxwell. The man who just hurt you so much more than you thought you could ever be hurt. But once you were done being angry. You got pissed, angry, so frustrated that you had developed emotions for a man who was clearly using you. You rushed into your room, grabbed a duffle bag and only the essential things you need, only taking what you’d brought with you. And with that, you threw the key to the apartment on the kitchen table, and you left. With no intention of coming back. Your heart had never been heavier, but you walked the streets of dc with your head held high refusing to let some idiot man make you look as broken as you felt. And although your head was high, you weren’t paying attention when someone bumped into you, both of you crashing to the floor. “Y/N?” oh no. you knew that voice. “Hey George, how are you doing.” you said looking up to him. “Well, much better now that I’ve bumped into you. Literally.” George was one of your coworkers at Halo, although he had tried many times to exceed colleague status, he was obsessed with you. It started sweetly bringing you coffee every morning, and lunch when you forgot it, you were grateful for him, he was a really good friend and you trusted him. Unfortunately, you trusted him enough to tell him about your ex. And if he was mad hearing about how they treated you, he got even more mad after telling him that your ex was a woman. He then became obsessed with “fixing you” as he called it, telling you that if you just went on a date with a real man like him you wouldn’t want anything to do with women anymore. Clearly that line did not work. And from then on, he was obsessed with taking you out, asking you every Friday afternoon if you were free that weekend, and every Friday you made up some story about family gatherings, or parties, sleepovers with Jade, you made the mistake of telling him one Friday that you had a date. That didn’t go down well. “So how have you been Sweetness, we haven’t heard anything from you since you left us in the lurch. I don’t blame you if I could get out after all that shit with Henry and his dad went down I would too, and now you’re in charge of marketing for Lord? That’s fucking insane. You’re so lucky.” George’s voice was dripping with disdain and yet he also sounded like he was trying to seduce you. “Yeah, it’s been crazy, do you mind if we walk and talk, I’ve got to get back to my apartment.” you wanted to get away from him as soon as possible. “Yeah yeah of course, why are you out at this time anyway? It’s not safe for a little lady like you.” god you fucking hate this guy “I’m just coming from my boyfriend’s, he had to go to work and I didn’t want to stay in that big old apartment by myself, so I thought I’d head home, and it’s such a nice night I thought I’d walk.” you don’t know why you said you were coming from your boyfriend’s, but it was the first thing you thought of. “Well here, let me walk you home. Are you still in the same place?” you nodded and knowing George he wouldn’t take no for an answer, so you let him walk you home. That night you fell asleep to the thought that Maxwell truly did not care about you like you’d hoped he did. But you didn’t know that he had walked back into that apartment, he fell to his knees when he realised that you weren’t there. He fucked up. And there was nothing he could do to fix it. 

tags: @innerstrawberrypolice​ @maxlordsgf​ @mrschiltoncat​ @historianwithaheart​

You & Me : chapter 23

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.9k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: its a bit longer. and i hope its not too much or too exaggerated? anyway, you tell me. i really want to know what you really think, thank you!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : only one, no spoiler :)

Chapter 23 : His chapter

NIALL

I woke up with dried tears and the sun peaking through the curtains. I had no idea what time it was but Olivia was still pressed against me and I was holding her close, as if we hadn't moved at all during the night. I moved my face in her hair, smelling the honey and vanilla scent, before leaving a kiss on top of her head. She moaned low and moved closer, rubbing her nose on my neck.

"Mm, Niall." she whispered, making my lips curl.

I didn't know how she'd ever marry an other man after everything we went through and I didn't want to believe I was just some sort of friend with benefits that she used to have a 'fun time' before marrying someone else and spending her life with him. That was not the type of things she did and there was no way this made any sense. She didn't mention it, though, and  didn't want to put any kind of pressure on her. She knew how I felt and I'd keep telling her until she'd make it clear she didn't want to hear it anymore.

"'Morning, petal. How did you sleep?" I asked, keeping my voice very low.

"With your song in head." she admitted just as low, leaving small kisses on my neck. "You really wrote that for me?"

I opened my eyes  and pressed my cheek on top of her head. "I was not expecting to see you at the bakery that day, but if I had known, I would have expected my feelings for you to be exactly that. I knew I was still in love with you, Olivia. I knew when I broke up with you, and I knew all the time we were not together."

We remained quiet and I felt her fingers on my back, holding me against her, as if i wanted to move away anyway. Her warm and naked body against mine felt so good I could have stayed in this position all day.

"If you were always in love with me, Niall, why did you leave me?" she asked low, her voice almost cracking. "Why was everything else so important? Why did you need to be single and fuck around? Why wasn't I enough?"

I closed my eyes tight again and swallowed hard. Her questions were legit and my answers were sad. I squeezed her harder against me and licked my lips, trying to find the right words.

"I was selfish, and stupid. Honestly, Olivia, a big part of me knew you were unhappy. You were always hurt by stuff online or by the things I did and said. I felt like you wanted out and that eventually you'd end up hating me and leaving anyway. I left because your heart was in this relationship but your head was driving you insane."

She pulled away and her eyes met mine. She was frowning, her lips parted, and she shook her head.

"What?" she whispered, making me close my eyes again and sigh. "You're either trying to put this on me or you're literally telling me that you left because you thought that's what I wanted. I mean, you don't get to make that decision for me, Niall."

"I know, I mean I should have told you but-" she pulled away from me and sat in bed before rubbing her eyes. "I mean, Liv, It's true, you were miserable with me."

"Maybe because you kept flirting with every fucking girl you met!"

She got up and grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a shirt and something twisted in my stomach when I realized she hadn't picked the one I was wearing the day before. She was pissed, or hurt... or both.

"I know, I know I was wrong. I would never do that again."

"Well, I don't know if I believe you." she let out, grabbing her phone and getting out of the room.

I sighed and got up too, putting pretty much the same outfit as her and following her to the kitchen as she grabbed a water bottle in the fridge and started drinking from it.

"Olivia, I haven't flirted with anyone since.. I can't remember, but it's been months."

"What about in a year, Niall? When you'll be tired of me. When you'll be tired that I'm the only one you get to see naked, the only one you get to fuck. What will happen, then?"

Her tone was harsh and I swallowed the lump in my throat as I stared at her. I could understand how she felt, and at the same time, I knew she was aware that I was not the same man than I used to be.

"That will never happen again. Never." I let out seriously. "I will never get tired of you."

Her eyes softened for a few seconds but she quickly frowned again.

"Anyway that's not the point, you took a decision for me and you should have talked to me about it instead. You can't decide what I want or what I should do!"

"You're right, I can't. But don't you feel better now? You worked so much on yourself, you grew up and matured for the better, and I did too. I love to see you so confident about yourself, look what you accomplished! You have your own tv show, you do something you love and you get paid for it. You're so balanced and you look so happy and you love yourself!" I argued, taking a step closer.

"Okay, do you want me to thank you for it? Thank you, Niall, for breaking my heart."

Her voice was not as harsh and I felt like she knew I was right. I shook my head and sighed, daring to take an other step closer.

"No, you have only yourself to thank. You're the one who did all that. You owe it only to you. And you're right, I was a selfish prick and the fact that you weren't happy with me just comforted me in choosing my freedom over you." I explained gently. "But I love you. I changed. I want to show you that I changed."

She sighed and I was getting mad. I was not really mad at her, I was more mad at myself for not being able to express myself properly, and for the way I acted when we dated. I was pissed because she was right, and because her pain was legit. I was mad because I wanted her back and because I was scared our day was ruined.

"Well love is not everything, remember? It takes more than that." she pointed out roughly. "A lot more."

I felt something explode inside me, like a mix of anger and pain that I was unable to keep inside anymore and I shook my head roughly, throwing my arms up.

"If I could I'd take it back okay!" my voice was loud but I could feel sobs threatening to come out.

"Take what back?" she asked with an annoyed tone.

"That stupid break-up!" I admitted just as loud. "That fucking ridiculous break-up! I'd take it back in a heartbeat if I could! I'd erase it from our history forever! I regret it! It's the biggest regret of my life!"

Her eyes got bigger and her lips parted slightly. She seemed so surprised by my words that it calmed her immediately. I watched her lick her lips slowly, trying to keep my own tears in.

"If you hadn't broken up with me, Niall, you wouldn't know that." she started, this time in a low and soft voice. "You'd still be unsure of what you want, you wouldn't know if you really loved me. You had to lose me to realize that you actually wanted me. Do you see the irony, Niall? Do you realize how fucked up it is?"

I sighed again and walked to her, grabbing a chair and sitting down at the table, my elbows on the table and my face in my hands. I didn't want to fight with her, and I knew we could have a discussion without fighting. I breathed in and out a few times and when I felt calm, I opened my eyes again. She was sitting in front of me and she seemed calm too now.

"It is. It's fucked up." I admitted, staring at her. "I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am, Olivia."

"I already forgave you for that, Niall." she pointed out gently. "I'm sorry for bringing it back."

I let my arms fall on the table and opened my hands, palms up. She looked down and nibbled on her bottom lip for a few seconds before placing her hands in mine.

"Heidi sent me that picture of you in a wedding dress to make us fight but we did it by ourselves." I just said with a sad chuckle.

"It's normal to fight, sometimes, as long as we know how to make up, too." she explained. "We're better at this, aren't we?"

The left corner of my lips raised up. "We were never bad at it, but we're even better now, it's true."

I squeezed both her hands before letting go of one and grabbing the other with both of mine. I turned her hand so her palm was facing up and ran the tip of my forefinger on it gently. After a few seconds, she quivered slightly and my lips curled more. I loved having an effect on her.

"We're gonna have to talk about what we did when we were apart." I finally said, still staring at her hand.

I couldn't help but think about what Heidi told me and for some reason, I wanted to prove her wrong, even if she would never know. Olivia was not the kind of person to push me away for my mistakes. She never did it, and I felt like she never would. She didn't judge anyone and she always tried to make you feel better when you felt at your worst. I didn't want to believe that the bad decisions I took while we were apart would just ruin what we could have now and at the same time, I felt like she deserved to know before anything serious happened between us, if it was ever going to happen.

Her fingers slipped out of my hands as she brought her arms back to her and it made me look up. She was avoiding my gaze and it made me frown. Didn't she want to know what I did without her? Or was she just too scared to be hurt by my behavior that just thinking about that discussion made her feel bad?

"Not now, okay?"

I frowned, a bit surprised by how she literally closed up completely in front of me. It was so sudden that I realized maybe the problem was not what she was going to hear, but more what she was going to say.

"It's important, you know."

She shut her eyes tight and nodded. "I know."

I waited for her to open her eyes again but she didn't and I reached for her wrist over the table. "There's a fair in town, you want to go?"

Her eyes finally fluttered open and her lips curled a bit before she nodded. I realized she was uncomfortable with the discussion I wanted to have but I couldn't help but think it was needed. I was ready to wait but we couldn't push this discussion back forever, and I wanted her to hear it from me and not from anyone else.

"Okay, let's get ready then."

Her smile got bigger and she nodded again before getting up and going back to my room. I got up too and watched her leave, taking her water bottle and swallowing what was left it in. I was not the type to worry but this time, i felt curious and a bit scared. I was nervous to tell her about what I had done but I felt like she was keeping some things to herself too and although she didn't have to tell me what it was, I hoped she would.

When I got back to my room, I heard the shower and smiled despite myself. Without thinking, I took my clothes off and joined her quickly. She chuckled when she saw me but didn't tell me to leave and I quickly took the shampoo, rubbing it in her hair as she closed her eyes, a smile still gracing her lips.

"Your hair's gonna smell like my shampoo now." I said in a low tone. "Makes me sad. I prefer the way it smells normally."

She laughed and her eyes met mine when she opened them before shaking her head.

"Here's a secret I can tell you, Niall James Horan." she started, her eyes sparkling with amusement. "It's not my shampoo that has that smell."

My eyes opened wide and I chuckled low. "It's not?" she shook her head more. "What is it, then?"

This time, she just raised her nose up and took some foam from her hair only to wipe it on the tip of my nose. I raised it up and groaned, making her burst into laughter. She took a step back and let her head fall back to rinse her hair. I stared at her wet body for a few seconds before taking the shampoo again and washing my own hair.

We got prepared and left and this time, we took my car. We stopped at a restaurant to eat even if it was in the middle of the afternoon and ended at the fair a bit after 5. We could already see the sun setting and I realized time always passed fast when I was with her. I motioned to grab her hand without thinking but stopped right on time. It made my heart jump in my chest and I just turned my face to her to send her a smile.

"I like when you wear a cap." she just said, grabbing the front and pulling it down.

I took it off to put it back correctly and she laughed right before apologizing. I was happy to be there with her and I just hoped I wouldn't be recognized. It would just be incredibly nice to walk around holding hands and not holding inside all the affection we felt for each other but at the same time, I knew it was risky for her. Anyway, I was never the one who enjoyed PDA, even if I had derogated from my own rule a few times with her.

"I like when you wear a smile." I replied.

Her traits softened and her head tilted. Her smile turned into a fond one and just for that look, it was worth saying that cheesy line.

"I almost forgot how well you can sweet talk women."

This time, I laughed. "You know that's a lie."

"You're not as awkward as you think you are, Nee." she pointed out with a laugh as she walked towards a booth. "But I admit that your good look helps a lot."

This time, I laughed louder. "Glad you finally admit it." I joked as she quickly ordered cotton candy.

I reached for her hand with one of mine while the other searched through my pants. I handed the guy a bill and didn't send a glance to my ex girlfriend. I knew she was staring at me but I just thanked him and turned around as she followed me.

"I can pay for my own shit." she pointed out as I saw her lick her lips from the corner of my eyes. "But thank you. I also almost forgot how much of a gentleman you are. Well, in public, because in the bedroom you're-"

"Oh god stop!" I laughed, turning to her this time and noticing the large smile on her face.

She laughed too and I rolled my eyes as we walked to an other booth. No matter what we did together, it was always fun and it made me realize just how bad I wanted to really be with her again.

"So if I win you this pink bear right there, are you gonna sleep with it?" I asked with a smirk.

She tilted her head but moved her chin up and I kept looking at her as her eyes got smaller. She brought her finger and tapped her chin a few times, pretending to think and I rolled my eyes again at how dramatic she could get. I should have known she'd be a good actress.

"Yea definitely." she finally replied with a nod. "He'll sleep right between us so I can cuddle with him."

I raised my eyebrows and my head moved back. "Well in that case, I think we're just gonna try a few rides and leave him here."

I put my hands in my pockets and pretended to leave until she reached for my arm. "Noo, no, I will leave him on the nightstand when I'm with you."

I stopped and smiled big, amused by her behavior and finally turned back to her before nodding slowly. "Alright."

It took me 3 tries but I finally got it and handed it to her. Her smile got bigger and I could swear I saw a hint of red on her cheeks but I didn't mention it. She grabbed it and held it close to her as she was nibbling her bottom lip and she mumbled a 'thank you' that made me chuckle.

"You could have just paid to get it you know." she pointed out after a few seconds. "It would have costed you a few dollars but you didn't have to really play the game."

"Wouldn't have been the same would it?" I shrugged, sending her a wink. "Wouldn't have been as romantic." I made a pause. "And cheesy."

She laughed and my heart jumped in my chest, almost escaping from my throat. She kept the damn bear with her in all the rides, holding it between her thighs and even if she was not a big fan of rides, we did a few gentle ones. It's only when it was really dark outside that I noticed how she was looking at all the lights. She grabbed her phone and started taking pictures before turning to me and snapping one of me. It took me by surprise but I pulled her closer and grabbed her phone before taking a selfie of us. I took a look at it and held my breath when I looked at her. Her hair was a mess, her eyes were shut tight and her nose was up, and it reminded me of a selfie she had sent me when we were dating and I was traveling Asia. I quickly sent myself the picture from her phone and handed it back to her.

We remained in silence and kept walking. I had to leave my hands in my pockets to make sure I wouldn't just bring her close to me and when she pointed the ferris wheel, I raised my eyebrows at her.

"I thought I was cheesy but you're the queen."

"How about you be me king and come with me? I'd love to kiss you without anyone seeing." she admitted in a very low tone. "You in?"

"People normally go there for the incredible sight we get at the top."

"I have an incredible sight right here, in front of me." she confessed, making me chuckle. "Please, Niall."

I was just playing with her, there was nothing I wanted more than to kiss her at the exact moment, and it seemed like it took forever until we were at the top. I watched the dark sky and all the neon lights around the fair for a few seconds before turning to her and quickly kissing her. I felt all my body relax, like I had been waiting for this moment all day, and when she whimpered in my mouth, I groaned too, holding her cheeks with both my hands. When we started going back down, I stopped kissing her but leaned my forehead against hers, still cupping her face. We finally got out of the ride and that's when trouble started. I noticed someone take a picture and my heart skipped a beat.

"What the..."

"What's wrong?"

"Fuck, Liv, we have to go." I whispered, grabbing her arm gently and leading her to the exist as quick as I could.

I glanced behind us until we were in my car and started it, driving away from that place and looking in the rear view mirror a few times. I only relaxed when I was sure we were not followed and noticed she was staring at me, her head leaned on the seat.

"I'm sorry." I let out with a sad smile.

"Are you doing this for me?" she asked, blinking a few times and ignoring my apology. "I mean I know you don't like to be seen in public and pictures being taken and all, but did you leave quickly like that because I'm supposed to marry someone else and you were scared people would talk shit?"

"Mostly, yea." I just admitted as I brought my eyes back on the road.

We remained silent for a few minutes and I had no idea what was going on in her head until I heard her voice again.

"I love you, Niall Horan."

                                                ----

We were exhausted when we came back to my place and I just rushed to the kitchen to pour us two glasses of white wine. She followed me, putting her pink bear on the table as I handed her a glass. She drank half of it but she weirdly seemed serene and calm. I thought she'd go crazy knowing that someone had taken a few pictures of us but she didn't seem to care at all. It's not like she was not used to it but at the same time, she never liked it and it always bothered her, making her current behavior even more intriguing.

"Okay, tell me, I'm ready." she just said after exhaling deeply. I frowned at her and she pressed her lips together. "Tell me what you did that's so horrible while we were away from each other."

In the morning, she was the one who didn't want to talk about it and now, it was me. Perhaps I just didn't want to ruin such a perfect day. I pulled a chair and let myself fall on it but instead to sit in front of me, she sat at the end of the table and turned her chair sideways to face me. I took my glass and moved it a bit only to watch the pale liquid move in it.

"I slept with some girls before I started dating Heidi, but I couldn't find what I was looking for until I met this girl at a bar. She was shaped like you, had your hair color and your smile and in the dark, she could have been you, you know? I just... I let out your name while we were fucking and maybe I had to pay her to keep her mouth shut."

"Are you... sure she was not just a prostitute?"

I looked up at her with a small smile. "No."

"Oh." she pressed her lips together. "Was she as good as me?"

I chuckled sadly and shook my head. "No one is."

I remained silent for a minute or two, trying to make sense of my thoughts before continuing.

"I tried a few drugs. You know it was never my type but I needed to sort of... get away. One time Heidi had to pick me up at your old apartment because I was hitting the door and screaming your name in the middle of the night but you had already moved out." I scoffed at myself, I couldn't believe how pathetic I had been. "I'm not gonna get into details but I also started a fight in a pub. Just hit some arsehole that said something about you."

"What about me..."

"Something sexual that's clearly not worth repeating."

"It seems like you did many things that were out of character." she said cautiously. "But that's what you wanted, right? Try new things and just live your life? Why do you regret it?"

"Because nothing was worth losing you, Olivia." I admitted a little louder, looking up in her eyes as her face softened again. "I was miserable. I was a pathetic piece of shit. I know you probably think low of me now but I just, I had to tell you."

Her eyes dropped slowly to her lap and she nibbled on her bottom lip nervously. I waited, feeling suddenly anxious, scared that she'd just get up and leave, or tell me that she couldn't go on with me, but when she sniffed and rubbed her fingers on her nose, I realized she was crying.

"I remember when I saw the first picture of you and Heidi online. The article said you two were dating now and she was kissing you." she let out in a very low tone without looking at me. "I was alone at home and I started crying. It made me realize that it was really over, it made me believe that you were over me, that the problem was not that you wanted to be single, but just that you didn't want to be with me. I cried so hard I couldn't see straight and I just... I went to the bathroom and I..." she sighed and swallowed again, closing her eyes this time. "I just swallowed all the fucking pills I found. I swallowed them all and lied down on the floor for so long I couldn't keep track of time. All I can remember is the tiles being very cold and the stomachache. It was so intense I couldn't move and It was literally the only thing that stopped me from falling asleep."

I listened to her as my eyes watered. I felt nauseous but I just swallowed hard, feeling a big lump on my throat. I could barely believe what I was hearing. I hadn't heard anything about that and to me, she always seemed so happy when she was out with my friends, even after we broke up, it was hard to believe she was sad enough to do something like that.

"Louis found me. I remember he let out so many curse words, even for him. He searched for something but couldn't find anything to make me throw up so he just sat me up in front of the toilet and pushed his fingers down my throat. Nothing had ever hurt me like that. I think I threw up for a solid ten minutes." she added, shaking her head, her eyes still closed. "Then he called his doctor and he drove me there."

I was crying. I had actual tears rolling down my cheeks but I couldn't move. I felt angry and hurt but also extremely guilty.

"Why the fuck did you do that, Olivia?" my voice was a simple murmur and I swallowed again. The lump was so big that it hurt. "Do you... did you think about how sad everyone would have been, including me? You would have left me alone in this stupid world without you?"

This time, she looked up at me and I noticed she was crying too. When she saw my tears, her face changed but she just licked her lips and sniffed.

"You left me first."

Slowly, I got up, feeling very weak, my legs wobbling slightly. I knelt in front of her and put my hands on her knees, looking up in her eyes. I had been so close to lose her forever and I didn't even know. Why didn't anyone tell me? Why didn't Louis tell me anything?

"I don't want you to ever do that again, you hear me?" I tried to be firm but my voice cracked as I kept crying and suddenly, I burst into tears, leaning my forehead on her thigh. "Don't you fucking do that ever again." I added, my mouth pressed on her jeans.

I felt her hand slide gently in my hair and the contact of her skin with mine was soothing. I turned my head to lean my cheek on her thigh and catch some air as both of my hands gripped her tight.

"I'll never do it again, Niall. I was depressed, I took antidepressants after that, and I survived this." she explained low.

"Promise me, Olivia." I asked before looking up at her. "Look me in the eyes and promise me you will never fucking do that again, no matter what happens."

She held her breath and I knew she was on the verge of tears too. She finally nodded and I gripped her thighs harder.

"I promise, Niall. " she breathed. "I swear on my love for you."

Tic toc - one shot

pairing: Ot9; idol!Sehun x staff!y/n

Tags: workplace ; y/n being in a relationship ; Sehun has a little crush

genre: fluff; little angst; super fluff

A/n: I recently fell for Exo. Needed to write something about my bias eheh

Btw happy comeback! And happy holidays!

—————————————————————

Silently, I went inside the dance practice room knowing the manager was inside to fill some papers with the staff.

It was already a month I got hired here as a make-up artist: it was my first job after finishing school, i was ready to learn, fresh, but being the youngest in the whole building wasn’t helping. The closest in age to me were the exo members their self. This ended up being awkward at the beginning, then lead to growing weird friendship. Well, kinda a relationship. It’s still me, who at the end of the day has to take off their makeup while they’re already napping on the chair.

I closed the door behind me and in that moment they started practising Tempo’s choreography. I got frightened by the sudden music and I squeaked. I quickly realised some of the guys where smiling at me through the mirror.

“Shit.” My cheeks turned red already.

“Y/n? Do you need something?” The manager approached me while holding some filers.

“Yes sunbae.” I bowed a little. “This is the list of next orders we need for our warehouse.” I gave him, with both of my hands, an envelope that he quickly took.

“Thank you y/n, kind as always.”

“You’re welcome.” I smiled shyly. He then asked me to follow him through the room until we reached all the staff members.

My gaze dropped to the clock on the wall: I had 15 minutes to reach the restaurant and meet my boyfriend. If I managed to leave in a couple of minutes and run to take the metro, I’d arrive just in time.

I cursed myself for being too slow changing into the little tight red dress. I also re did my make-up, maybe an unnecessary step. Now I was wearing high fancy boots that marked every step and a long coat, ready to fly outside the building into the cold night of Seoul.

“Y/n I need a favour.”

“Sure.”

“Could you shoot the guys while dancing? Just a few song, nothing much.”

“Oh ... Sunbae, it’s not like I don’t want to, but I have an appointment after work. Is there anyone more qualified to do this?”

“Y/n don’t worry, they’ll be quick. You can do this, just sit still. Take this.” He gave me a camera definitely too heavy for me to hold. Music suddenly stopped and the boys were reaching water bottles to drink. I could see how tired they were.

“It will take just 5 minutes, we’ll be back soon.” The manager left with all the staff members leaving me and a sound technician behind.

“Y/n-noona! You came to see us dancing!” Kai run to me spilling some water.

“Not really.” We hugged for a little. Kai loved to call me noona whenever he felt sweet. No matter I was the youngest in the room.

“I got stuck at work, I should be outside already.”

“Stuck mmh?” Chanyeol came closer.

“I have a date tonight, do you think you can do this in one take?”

He winked at me and turned to the middle of the room. “Ya! Our y/n-nie got plans for the night! Let’s do this!”

I took off my coat leaving it on the table while sunbae was setting the camera.

I took it and quickly moved in front of the mirror wall, sitting exactly in the middle, shoulders pressed to the mirror. I crossed my legs carefully and adjusted the skirt.

I looked up and realised many eyes were on me.

“Y/n-noona, who is the lucky one?” Kai winked. Baek whistled.

“Y/n have mercy, someone here won’t sleep tonight.” Chen laughed, Sehun gave him a nudge.

“Boys, be good.”

I looked again at my watch, realising I was already so late. I pressed rec on the camera and the boys gathered up in the position. “Tempo” started again, the hardest part for me was not being able to dance or sing with them.

“Was it good?” Someone asked while I grabbed my phone.

“I have to text him.”

19.33 y/n: I’m sorry I’ll be late: I’m still at work. I’ll text you when i get out. I’ll try to be quick.

19.36 y/n: bae?

Songs went on, and so my texts.

19.41 y/n: bae? Im sorry i swear ill be quick

19.50 y/n: are we still in time for the reservation? Im starving! Wait for me bae!

“Is he texting you back?” Sehun laied on the mirror next to me looking at my screen. He wasn’t even sweating after dancing for so long.

“No, not really.” I said back, nervously laughing.

“Don’t worry y/n-ah, he can’t be mad. It’s so hard to be angry at you.”

“Wha-?”

I looked at him shocked. He snapped his fingers getting everyone attention. “We need to shoot the last one, and we are done. Sunbae prepare “The Eve” please.”

“Oh no.” I whispered covering my mouth.

That’s one of a few songs with a choreography that embarrass me every time. The slow hip thrust, lascivious gazes and the way they all became hotter in a couple of seconds.

First notes came, I swallowed my saliva and tried to focus while their eyes were on me. Actually, I knew they were all looking behind me, staring at each other on the mirror, but I felt being watched.

When the refrain came I just closed my eyes, too shy. And once I was able to open them again all of exo members were giggling at me. All the guys. ALL. They knew how shy I was. They knew the power of this song.

Suddenly the song hit me differently and harder, looking at some details: Suho’s arms, Sehun’s thighs, Kai’s grin, the power they all held. Everyone was doing something to me, my head started spinning.

“We need to take this one again sorry.” Sehun talked after the song ended. I moved on my place, suddenly the position wasn’t comfortable anymore. A weird hot feeling in my stomach started spreading.

I was so distracted by these new feelings I didn’t notice Sehun’s smirk. He was satisfied. I didn’t even realised my phone was buzzing inside my purse.

“Let’s be more powerful.” Chen said looking at his friends.

“And a step ahead please.” Everyone looked at Sehun.

The song started again and everyone seemed to be more engaged than before, using all their last energies.

They were one step closer to me now, and Sehun was directly in front of me. Less than two meters again, he was hip thrusting slowly. His eyes on me, and I was sure now he was really looking at me. I swallowed while fixing my skirt again, feeling suddenly too hot. He smirked.

His eyes, so dark now,were locked on me the whole choreography, I could feel his gaze never leaving me.

I felt so vulnerable. The hot feeling in my stomach now was getting stronger, I couldn’t help but squeeze my thighs together to get some relieve.

As soon as the last note ended I got up and left the camera on the table. I took the phone and I was surprised by all the messages.

19.52 bae: I cant believe this

19.58 bae: why are you always late? Ive been waiting you for so long! Im pissed

19.59 bae: ya! Text me ...

20.03 bae: where are you now?

20.05 bae: .....

20.06 bae: .....

20.07 bae: .....

20.08 bae: ... so?

20.10 bae: im leaving

“Shit shit shit shit.” I quickly wore my coat, already calling my boyfriend. I turned waving to the boys, ignoring their worried faces.

“Pick up please.” I opened the door with my shoulder still busy getting ready.

“Maybe you should fol-“ D.O. words were cut by my boyfriend’s voice on the phone.

“Y/n! Ya! You’re unbelievable!”

“Babe I’m so sorry, it’s not my fault, I couldn’t say no..”

“Sure. Always the same. It looks like you got 9 more boyfriends, who are more important than me. Should i get on the line?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t bother to come. Bye.” He hanged up. I froze, in the middle of the hallway. I didn’t know what to do. Maybe keep on desperately running and maybe he would be still in the restaurant? I tried calling, failing again and again. I was just ... frozen.

“Is everything fine?” Two big warm hands took mines, still holding the phone. I turned to Sehun’s worried face.

“Not really. He’s angry.” I said looking up at his eyes and then to the ceiling, hoping not to cry.

That was my first long relationship, we were together for more than 9 months. The first boy who noticed me, the first who held my hand to go to school. The first “i love you”.

“Then he doesn’t deserve you y/n-nie.” He whispered closing the distance between us with an hug.

He hold me tight, my head laid on his chest, his arms around me. One if his hands reached my hair and started massaging me gently.

“Ssh, everything will be fine y/n-nie. You’re too good.”

I didn’t even realised I was crying. I was sobbing so hard, my hands fisting his black hoodie’s hems.

“I am sorry.” I started bubbling.

“Don’t, we should be sorry, it’s our fault.” Sehun said patting my back lightly.

I stepped back, incredulous. “How could it be your fault?” And suddenly Sehun face got red.

“My fault...” He repeated shyly while I was wiping off the tears on my cheeks.

“Y/n?” Xiumin suddenly appeared behind Sehun’s tall figure. As soon as he saw my red puffy eyes he run to me pouting.

“Oh my girl, what happened?” He hugged me and tried to make me smile with his cute aegyo. He was the oldest yet he looked the youngest, and his pure kind soul was just one more thing to love him for.

“I lost my reservation at the restaurant.” I lied while looking at Sehun, hoping he’ll understand. He tilted his head a little, confused.

“Oh.” Sehun said quietly.

“I’m so hungry!” Baek exited the practise room screaming. All the EXO members behind him.

“Y/n is hungry too, she couldn’t make it to the restaurant.” Sehun surprised me for being strangely able to lie.

“Oh no y/n-nie.” This sounded like a chorus since all of them gathered together around me.

“I’ll make dinner for everybody.” D.O. proposed while taking my hand and gently hugging me. “Let’s go home.”

Sehun walked beside me, his hand on my lower back. “Let us treat you well.”

Locked In part 2

Summary: Bucky and Y/n finally get out of the closet Bucky is forced to face feelings he never knew he had or was aloud to have. Afraid of rejection and the opinions of other, he has to decide if he’ll open up, or push everyone away.

Word count: 2,042

A/n: I’m sorry if this one isn’t as good 😬 I tried my best, there’s a lot of Buckys pov in this lmk what y’all like and don’t like!

I try to move away from Bucky only to make it worse. He pulls his hand up to cover his face. I try my best to move away from him but my back is pressed hard against the wall. I can feel him getting harder. He lets out a breathy sigh. I look up at him, he glances down at me from behind his hand, his eyes unwavering.

He’s even more handsome up close.

—Buckys pov—

I pull my hand up to cover my face, and to cover any sounds I make. Every time he moves, the friction drives me insane. I feel myself getting harder. Hard over, Y/n. He presses against me and I can’t stop the whisper of a moan that escapes my throat. I look down at Y/n, wondering if he heard. He looks up at me, lips slightly parted, I can’t take my eyes off him.

This is wrong. So very wrong.

—Readers pov—

Flustered, I look away and try to focus on moving off him. I try to wriggle my way to the side but that gets me a soft groan from Bucky. Maybe try to move to the other corner? Bucky suddenly grabs me by my hips. “Please… just stop moving..” he begs softly. I look in his eyes, his pupils are huge and his face is tinted red. He looks from my eyes to my lips, then back again.

Did he just look at my lips? No, he’s not- that’s not him.

I obey and try not to move, however I was standing on my tip toes when Bucky told me to stay still. Bucky turns on his com “Natasha? Would you be able to make it up to where we are?” As he gives her directions my shoe slips and I fall back onto my feet, “We’re in the third offi- ugh office o-on the right..” he sputters his words out as fast as he can so he can turn his com off. He leans his head back against the wall and lets out a shaky sigh.

—Buckys pov—

He looks away and tries to move off me. If he keeps moving I swear to god- I bite my lip holding back a groan. I can’t take it anymore. I grab his hips, pushing him to the wall. “Please… just stop moving..” I look in his eyes, his beautiful eyes. I glance down at his lips once more, god what I’d give to taste them

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Don’t think that

He finally stops squirming. I turn my com on and get in contact with Natasha. “Natasha? Would you be able to make it to where we are?” She agrees and I give her a layout of the building. I’m trying to think of anything but Y/n right now. “We’re in the third offi- ugh..” Y/n pushed down on me so suddenly I couldn’t even try to hide my moan. “Office o-on the right…” I stumble over my words, spitting them out fast so I can turn my com off. I throw my head back.

I’m so fucking embarrassed I can’t even look at him. I can’t.

—Readers pov—

Does he think I did it on purpose? Oh god I hope he’s not mad.

Once again I’m trying to move off him, only to be pressing against him, “I’m so sorry my food slipped and I-“ Bucky cuts me off “I’m begging you not to move..” he’s pleading with me now and I feel terrible. This is all my fault isn’t it? We hear someone enter and close the door behind them. There’s silence for a moment, “Barnes? Y/n?” Natasha whispered our names.

I tapped quietly on the door and Natasha came over and unlocked the door. Bucky basically jumps out of the coat closet with his back facing the two of you, “ We should all go down separately, we don’t want to draw attention, I’ll go first, then Natasha, then Y/n.” He spoke very fast, obviously trying to get out of the room as fast as possible. Once he left Natasha looked at me, “What the hell happened??” She questioned.

Did he really want to get away from me that badly?

—Buckys pov—

He starts to move, again. “I’m so sorry my food slipped and I-“ I cut him off, I knew it wasn’t his fault, I told him not to move to begin with. “I’m begging you not to move..” Once more he freezes. We hear the door open and close, not long after Natasha calls our names. She quickly unlocks the door, as soon as it’s open I jump out. I can’t- if Natasha sees I’ve pitched-a-tent, I’ll never hear the end of it. Ever.

Was it just the friction? Or was it being so close to him, having him flush against me, so close I can smell his cologne? I can’t think right now.

I face my back to them in an attempt to hide my... situation. “We should all go down separately, we don’t want to draw attention.” I allow myself to go first, I can’t be seen like this. Then Natasha, then Y/n, I want as much time away from him as I can get, I can’t get on the quinjet like this.

I walk to the jet as fast as I can. I’m so confused and angry at myself. I glare at the sidewalk, angry for how I acted. My mind is a mess, my emotions are indescribable. I just need to get on the jet and think..

—Readers pov—

“I .. uh I’ll- I’ll tell you later, let’s just get out. I got the papers” I held up the papers before folding them and tucking them in my suit. Natasha left and I was alone with my thoughts as I tried to process what the hell just happened.

I must have been rubbing against him I guess? Or maybe he likes me- no that’s stupid.. right?

I step out and make my way down the hallway and out into the main room. It’s hard to leave when so many people are staring, it’s making me a little uncomfortable. Thankfully, I was able to exit without issue.

I see Clint waiting for me by the building entrance “You alright?” He asks as we make our way back to the quinjet. “I’m fine.. why?” Did Bucky say something? “Barnes came storming down the sidewalk less than five minutes ago, he looked pissed.” He told me as we got into the building's elevator to get up to the rooftop.

Once in the quinjet Bucky is sitting as far away from me as he can. He won’t even look at me. I’m not the only one who noticed either, “So are you two gonna tell us what happened in there?” Natasha questioned. Steve, who is very confused, “Did something happen? Were you not able to get the papers?” Just as he asked I pulled them out of my suit and handed them to him. He took them, looked at Bucky and I before heading to the front to talk to Clint. I can tell he’s gonna have a long chat with both of us to see what happened.

—Buckys pov—

Stepping foot into the quinjet I take the furthest seat from Y/n’s. He always sits in the same spot, and I sit across from him. I sit up in the front near Clint. I hear him step on and can see him out of the corner of my eye, he looks sad.

“So are you two gonna tell us what happened in there?” Natasha asks. I clench my jaw, I really don’t want to talk about it. Steve steps over and asked what went wrong, Y/n hands him the papers. Steve glances at us but goes back to talking to Clint. I can tell by the look in his eyes he’s going hunt me down later for answers.

—Readers pov—

“Why did you turn your coms off anyway?” She asked, “I originally turned mine off so I could hear people coming easier,” I mumble under my breath “obviously that didn’t work, genius.” Bucky heard and glanced in your direction. She looks to Bucky who just shrugs. She gives him a confused face, that’s not the answer she wanted.

The ride back is mostly quiet except for Clint and Steve’s chit chat. Once we land, Bucky storms off the quinjet, like a bat out of hell. I try to sneak off but someone rests their hand on my shoulder. I sigh, knowing exactly who it is. “I don’t really think I-“ Steve cuts me off “What happened there, I haven’t seen him like this in awhile.” Steve commented.

What do I even tell him? I don’t know if Bucky would even want me to tell..

We stand in silence for a moment, he gives me time to think how to phrase things. “Look Steve, we-“ once again I’m cut off, this time by Bucky. I avert my gaze to the floor and try to act as if nothing happened. Steve notices, I can tell, but he doesn’t mention it.

“Steve, I need to talk with you. Now. In private.” He looks at me as he emphasized the last part. “I’ll go! Talk to ya later, Cap!” I say, jogging off and into the building. Steve calls for me to come back but I ignore him. Once inside I watch them. I have no idea what they’re saying but they look like they’re yelling.

—Buckys pov—

I walk up to Y/n and Steve, I couldn’t help but notice Y/n looking away from me. I cut off his sentence. “Steve, I need to talk with you. Now. In private.” The last part I could’ve said kinder, but I can’t focus when he’s near. I watch him run back up to the building, Steve tries to call him back but he’s already gone.

“What the hell happened? The two of you aren’t even talking?” Steve asks pointing out our weird actions. He pauses and waits for my response.

What do I say? What would Y/n say? Stop thinking of him.

“I don’t think Y/n can come on missions anymore.” I spat out the first thing that came to mind. “He damn near got us caught!” I say raising my voice, I don’t know why I’m saying this, maybe some distance from me would be good for him?

“What is this? You were so adamant that he was ready! Why are you dodging my questions?” He stops and take a breath to calm down. “What. Happened?”

I can’t tell him- no one would understand. I don’t even know if I understand it.

I clenched my jaw and sighed. “I can’t tell you..” I spoke quietly as if someone else would hear. “I just- Im completely and utterly enthralled by him..” it feels good to get it off my chest but I fear what Steve will even say. I walk inside before he can respond,ignoring Steve’s calls for me. I walk to the elevator and hop in. I lean against the wall, my mind is a mess, I wouldn’t even know where to start if we spoke. I think I ruined any friendship we had.

Stepping out of the elevator I stop outside my room. His room is right beside mine, I take a couple steps and I’m standing in front of his door. Going to knock I hesitate and walk away. Of course just then he walks out of his room. We look at each other and share a moment of silence.

Of fucking course he looks like an angel, that only makes this harder.

“Can..” I pick my head up hearing him speak. “Do you think.. uh we could talk? We don’t have to right now if you don’t feel-“ “we can talk.” I pause, I’ve cut him off again. “When-whenever you want, we can talk”

“Can we talk in your room?” He takes a step forward, I don’t stop him. I open the door and let him in, he looks around and sits on the corner of my bed.

He’s here. In my room. On my bed. He’s- No, I have to stop thinking about him like this.

“Bucky..?”

Birds of A Feather- Part 11 Hawks fic

Summary: It’s been a long work week and Finch finds herself going home alone again. How long will this last? On the other side Hawks is asking himself the same thing as he watches her walk away.

Warnings: Angst, violence, catastrophe y’know the good stuff. 

A/N: Hope you guys enjoy!

Finally the work week was over. Finch was beyond tired and stressed from the blatant tenseness between her and her boss. She was way too excited to get off and run for the door, as she knew Asami was waiting on her at their usual bar. 

Hawks almost stopped her. He didn’t know what in the world had her so excited but he brushed it off, sitting at his desk for some time longer. He really couldn’t get her out of his mind but at the same time, he was kinda pissed off at her. He didn’t understand why she was being like this, so stone cold with him. She never did that before, she never really cared what he did. Not that there was another woman in the picture then either. But he was being honest, she was just a friend that came to visit. Nothing was going on between them. 

Finch didn’t care. Even if he was telling the truth she didn’t want to risk getting her heart broken and possibly losing her job. As she rushed off to meet her best friend she shoved the thoughts out of her mind of him. She had worn something a little fancier than usual to work today and Hawks had half a mind to ask what was going on but he kept his mouth shut. A pinkish red blouse, swooping down and showing her bare back, a slightly shorter pencil skirt, and a pair of nude heels. She wasn’t usually in brighter colors, he noticed. She had also stopped wearing the hair pin he had gotten her, which hurt his feelings a bit but he wouldn’t admit it. 

When she got to the bar they began drinking, laughing and dancing, having a good time. Finch was relieved to not think about Hawks for just a moment but that soon ended. As a good looking man with an odd quirk approached her, she gave Asami a knowing look.

“Hey girls! I’m Yanaka, we just wanted to know if you guys might want to join our group?”

Asami glanced over, spotting the three guys across the crowded bar. She looked at Finch, who was obviously what he came here for.

“S-sure we’d love to!”

She replied, her face reddened with alcohol. As they moved to where the other group was Asami kept an eye on Finch, squinting when Yanaka ran a hand across her bare, lower back, leading her across the room. She didn’t know about this guy and his group of friends. She was really concerned about how Finch was acting, she usually was more reserved and it didn’t bother her at first but now she was a little concerned. 

The night was going well enough, she kept her eye on Finch who eventually went out to the dance floor with Yanaka. She was trying to keep an eye on her while holding up a conversation with the other two guys, They talked about a bunch of everything and nothing but it was getting harder to keep track of doing both. She didn’t even realize when she lost sight of the two, looking back while laughing before it hit her, her eyes widening in panic. They were gone from the dance floor. 

About 20 minutes later when Finch still hadn’t come back into sight she started to really get worried. The other two guys were constantly trying to change the subject and change the topic, which only made it worse, Asami getting up and excusing herself to the restroom, the only place she knew they wouldn’t follow. Locking herself in a stall she pulled out her phone, trying to call Finch, text her, still not getting any reply and after 3 minutes she was in tears. She was praying nothing happened like last time, that maybe she was just freaking out for no reason, but she couldn’t calm herself down. 

In a last ditch attempt she texted someone she knew Finch wouldn’t agree with.  She was desperate, typing with shaking hands, begging him to do anything.

When she wiped her tears in the mirror and rejoined the group she was still scanning the dance floor looking for Finch as the two guys talked her ear off. She never got a reply from Hawks but about 10 minutes later she spotted him from across the room, walking towards her. She gave him a desperate look as she made his way to her. 

“Hey miss sparky, who are these guys?”

“U-uh, this is Aito, and Haruma, Yanaka was with Finch, I’m not sure where they went.”

She exchanged information smoothly and without suspicion, smiling as she introduced the two men sitting on each side of her. 

“Ya, man, he’s probably just having a smoke or something, no big deal!”

Auto assured him. Hawks gave Asami a look and she shot on back.

“Well, uh, why don’t you stay here, and I’ll get us some drinks Star.”

She nodded a little too quickly but knew she could play it off as if she just had a crush to the two other men. She swallowed hard, watching Hawks walk off into the crowd. She knew he wasn’t too pleased with what was going on but, he was the only one who she could think of that would help.

He walked the perimeter of the club and bar, scanning through people. He knew she must be wearing the same clothes as earlier, it was too early for her to have stopped to change. As he made his way to the back alley of the club his stomach sunk. He just had a bad feeling. Right before he rounded the corner into the alley he stopped, posting up against the wall as he listened. It was her voice. 

“I-I don’t know Yanaka, we should probably get back, Im sure my friend is worried by n-now...”

“Aw peach, don’t worry~ This’ll only take a second...”

“Yanaka please, I don't-”

“Aw just be a good girl for me ya?”

Hawks was so very close to rounding the corner and stopping him but he waited just a second longer, just until he heard Finch squeal and the sound of a slap. He raced around the corner, setting eyes on the girl, her wings trapped against the brick wall and the slimy guy pinning her there. 

He was silent as he walked up behind the guy, Finch’s eyes squeezed shut as she waited for what he assumed was another slap across the face, judging by the red mark on her cheek. He grabbed the guys shoulder, catching him by surprise as he turned him around, punching him square in the jaw. The man’s yell was cut off as he fell, scrambling away from Hawks with a hand holding his jaw. 

“H-hey what the hell man!”

“Finch it’s time to go.”

Hawks growled, grabbing the girl by the arm and dragging her out of the alley. Finch was stumbling behind him and Hawks was getting more and more frustrated, whipping her around in front of him and steadying her once they got out of the alley and away from the sleezeball. 

“How do you not learn?! Why did you come back here after what happened last time?!”

She stuttered, her face reddened. He couldn’t tell if it was from embarrassment or alcohol. 

“I-I didn’t need you to s-save me-”

She slurred. Hawks sighed angrily and picked up her phone from her hand, calling Asami.

“I’ve got her she’s fine. Just get home please. I don’t need another person to worry about.”

He grumbled, hanging up without giving Asami time to respond. 

“What the hell is with you? This is the second time you’ve done this- It’s like you want something to happen-”

“I didn’t want anything to happen Hawks! I just wanted to have a good time!”

She yelled back at him, ripping her arm away from his grip. He quickly caught it again, pulling her closer.

“All you ever do is get yourself in trouble Finch, and I have to come save you-”

“I didn’t need your help! I was fine!”

“Oh ya, fine! Totally fine! With the pervert groping you up in a dirty back alley?!”

“Maybe!”

Hawks didn’t respond, the pause giving her enough time to let it sink in as her eyes started to water.

“Oh- don’t cry-”

It was too late. She was full on bawling.

“I’m fine! I can be fine on my own, I don’t need anyone to take care of me like a child!”

She cried, furiously wiping away her own tears with her sleeves. Hawks wasn’t sure what to do.

“S-stop crying, let’s just go home, you’re drunk.”

“I don’t want to go home with you, I’ll make it home fine by myself, leave me alone.”

She started walking down the street by herself and Hawks had half a mind to let her, but after what had happened he wasn’t even sure she’d remember tonight, let alone make it all the way home. 

“Come one love bird don't be like that~”

He called, giving her his best sultry voice. Maybe if he played nice she would mind. She froze where she stood.

“Let me at least make sure you get home alright.”

He requested. She sighed before nodding, still not facing him. And so he followed her on her walk home, staying a few feet behind her the whole time. He didn’t want to push her any more than he had. 

“Hawks, why did you come tonight?”

“Asami called-”

“Ya but, why did you actually come? You could’ve just told her it wasn’t your problem.”

“I-I’m a hero, I save people, it’s my job.”

She was silent then. It was just his job, not his feelings. There was nothing meaningful about it, just his responsibility. She silently sighed, getting to her front door of her apartment and fumbling with the keys. Hawks gently took them, unlocking the door for her. She paused before she went in, turning back to Hawks to say something when suddenly he was kissing her. After a second she responded deepening it as his hands gently ran across her waist and his fingers grazed along her bare back. 

“I’m sorry for tonight...”

He panted when they separated. She only nodded silently. 

“And I’m sorry for kissing you-”

“Don’t be.”

She cut him off lowly, suddenly aware of how short her skirt had became, getting hiked up slightly throughout the night. She pulled it back into place, brushing off her blouse. 

“Um... Can I kiss you again?”

He wondered, giving her a look with pin prick pupils. She cleared her throat. 

“H-Hawks, I had a question actually...”

Her wings puffed slightly and she tried in vain to smooth them with her hands. 

“Can I tell you something first?”

He stopped her, his eyes hooded as he looked over her. She nodded and waited and after a moment of him not replying she went to speak but was cut off. He pulled her into another kiss, her face blushing hotly as he wrapped his arms around her, braking away to kiss at her neck.

“H-hawks~”

“Call me Keigo sweetheart.”

Finch let out a low gasp, as she let her head fall back slightly to give him more access. 

“Why don’t we go inside gorgeous?”

She only nodded in reply, pulling him inside the apartment. They continued their make out session on the couch, Hawks pushing her down onto her back gently. 

“I’ve been wanting to tell you this for awhile now...”

He trailed off. She replied before he could continue. 

“Ke-Keigo, I really like you.”

“I’m in love with you Finch.”

She blushed hotly and carded her fingers through his hair gently, pulling on the locks slightly. 

“Then kiss me again.”

She replied, blushing hard. He gave a coy smirk before granting her wish. 

i know I always say this, but, last night REALLY WAS the BUSIEST OF DAYS in the Reaper War

before I get into yesterday’s gameplay, I realized I forgot to react to the fact that Jacob got Brynn pregnant, which -- again, I suppose that wraps up everything about his backstory in a nice little bow, lad of the bad dad gets to be good dad, but like... it still gives like they gave his character incredibly short shrift. so. humbug to that.

but I have bigger fish to fry (ha ha, literally, see what I did there?) because ALL OF THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE, AND ALL OF THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. I rescued Ann Bryson, and learned that -- shocker -- she had a bad relationship with her dad. I uh may have condoned her getting a bit of a nasty nose bleed in order to track the Leviathan to Despoina, where as ever I got to read a bunch of people’s weirdly specific sad diaries. my jump into the depths was very cool and scary (does no one get the bends in the future???) and I enjoyed my The First-style body swapping conversation with the Leviathan in which I tried to prove I’m ~special and this time is ~different. on the one hand, I don’t know why I expected the origin of the Reapers to be anything other than yet another story of AI gone wrong, but this whole cinematic parallels thing is starting to edge out of “everything matches up and is of a piece” territory and into the murkier waters of “we kind of only had one idea, actually.” to reveal that the Reapers’ plan is just stray AI code to ‘preserve life’ is at once very chilling and a bit of a let down; when I think back to when I talked to Sovereign for the first time and I had my initial “GOD IS A MACHINE THAT WANTS TO KILL US” freak out, I was in fact very on board for an evil plan too broad and complex for a human mind to fathom. for it to be this feels kind of predictable and pedestrian.

that said, watching the Leviathan take down a huge-ass Reaper capital ship with its pulse signal was very satisfying.

oh no this is going to get very long, now that you’ve had this fun teaser i’m gonna put the rest under a cut

then we kicked it on over to Thessia and I highkey traumatized my girlfriend. I feel like I should have seen the reveal that the asari were more advanced because they were hoarding prothean tech coming, but I didn’t. hearing and seeing all the asari commandos helping me get wiped out was a real gut punch, but didn’t hold a candle to my frustration at the confrontation with Kai Leng. I’m not mad that the game wouldn’t let me beat him, per se (though I still think it’s ridiculous that I’ve taken down a Reaper by myself and I’m supposed to be afraid of a dude with a knife), but I am pissed that it all happened with combat cut scene magic. this game has given me difficult combat before! if, in fighting Kai Leng, I’d genuinely felt outmatched, I think I would have tolerated it better -- or if the combat had been me fighting the Harvesters and then Kai Leng sneaked around me because that’s what he does, he sneaks. but to have such a relatively easy combat sequence with him that felt very much like winning just to have it snatched away from me... maddening. WHY CAN’T I BEAT THIS ONE GUY AND HIS KNIFE? I don’t want to be all “Kai Leng is a Mary Sue” but like... he got to murder Thane and then beat me in overtime, and his entire vibe is I exist to sell action figures even though that’s not, as far as I know, any part of Mass Effect’s profit model. so it’s just frustrating. and for them to then rub salt in the wound and have him EMAIL ME to be like “lol snowflake r u triggered” was just. MY PATIENCE IS THIN, ME3. DON’T PUSH ME.

seeing Shepard have to admit to failure was a gutting scene, though, and a necessary one. and watching Liara fight with Javik was highkey satisfying, too. 

so anyway, because i was BIG MAD at Cerberus I tracked them first to that one N7 communications mission-- 

(Sample dialogue: Helen: Why aren’t you using cover? You’re going to die! Use cover! Me, jumping out of cover and rushing Cerberus goons trying to melee them to death: BECAUSE I’M MAD)

-- and then to Sanctuary, and HOO BOY WAS THAT A LOT OR WHAT. from the second I heard Oriana’s voice I had a pretty good idea of what was going on here, but seeing in in practice was still creepy af. and like. i’m just gonna go out on a limb and say INDOCTRINATION BAD. I AM NOT A FAN. shout out to that one capitalist volus on the Citadel who was like “lol sanctuary is a scam don’t waste your money” i guess

additionally, last night was significant because I picked not one but TWO ENTIRE renegade convince options, because I saw no reason to be nice to terrorist daddy the illusive man or actual terrorist daddy Mr. Lawson. after I got through all that, Helen explained to me how difficult it apparently is to keep Miranda alive by the end of that confrontation, so I got to do some WHAT LIKE IT’S HARD? preening at how Nice Sheps Finish First sometimes. 

but as usual, the real highlight is getting to know my crew better and talking with them. I finally got some prime flirting in with Liara during Leviathan. it was VERY cute when she was like “man what’s with you rescuing damsels from dig sites? if you end up teaming up with her to save the world and bring down the shadow broker i’ll be very jealous. ... and concerned” and WEIRDLY CUTER when she was like “hey the only tentacled alien who gets to mess with your brain is ME” because Liara is like 115 by now considering how slowly i’m getting through these missions and she still does not know what romance is. 

[no but seriously, Liara does not know what romance is. half the time I’m still going WE’RE STILL DATING, RIGHT? every time she refuses to talk to me. and even after Thessia, when everyone was like “go talk to Liara, she needs you” and even JAVIK of all people was like “you’re dating Liara, right? it’s so obvious” our interactions did not feel particularly... romantic? it’s a tricky needle to thread, obviously, I’m not looking for sloppy makeouts right after millions of her people died, but it still reads as very odd to me. anyway.]

Javik’s story about how he once had a ship like the Normandy and a crew of friends like mine and they all ended up indoctrinated and he had to personally slit their throats went way harder than I ever expected it to. even just the IDEA of having to do that as my Shep upsets me. i’m legit enjoying getting to know Javik, even though i’m still GuessWhoJustGotYelledAt.jpg every time I leave his room. I HAD ENOUGH OF THAT FROM KREIA, JAVIK, YOU’LL NEVER PUSH ME AWAY.

I was surprised by how hard Tali took Miranda’s successful challenge of Mr. Lawson, though in hindsight it makes sense -- with the geth war still happening on top of everything else, I don’t think Tali ever did get the chance to process her anger at her dad being a war criminal and all. and her whole “emergency induction port” bit about the straw was cute as hell tbh. her friendship with Garrus over the comms continues to give me life. 

(in other quarian news, I AM SAD ABOUT KAL’REEGER.)

and jeff. JEFF. after Thessia i literally ran to the bridge and said aloud “Jeff, make me feel better” as I clicked interact with him, and then he made that dig about asari dancers, and i was like NO NOT LIKE THAT. (I mean, what Shep literally said was “now’s not the time for jokes” which is ironic considering she, unlike me, still calls him JOKER) but then he was all DAD ANDERSON SAID I’M SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, I’M SORRY, I’M DOING MY BEST and like. what a fucked up little family we are. he feels guilty that I died saving him, still! apparently he asks EDI about my stress levels and they are BAD and he feels BAD! im crey. OH AND ALSO THE FACT THAT PTSD ASARI LAURA BAILEY WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS FAMILY ON TIPTREE AND I CAN NEVER TELL HIM BECAUSE THE GAME DOESN’T LET ME DO THAT???? V UPSETTING.

and then of course EDI had to TRIPLE DOWN on all these feelings i was already having by telling me about human resistance and selflessness on Earth and how she wants to turn off her self-preservation code because she’s not about that. I’M SUCH A TOASTER FUCKER HALP.

Garrus being all “well sometimes your best friend gives you a pep talk” speech was cute as hell, and I was strangely charmed when Kaidan was like YOU CAN TELL I’M EXTRA MAD BECAUSE MY VOICE HAS GOTTEN SO DEEP grumbling.

next up: shore leave, and then going after Cerberus will trigger act 3! i may one day finish mass effect after all!

Jeff wittek part one

Everyone knew Jeff in some way, whether just by association or from the vlog squad. He was the type of guy that could make even the saddest of people laugh and I loved that about him more than I should. I was a friend of Corinna’s, her hairstylist who did not only her hair but all of the girls in the squads too. We were all great friends, they were often at my place and I was the one thing they kept to themselves. Until we got closer and it was hard to hide our friendship. So like most people at parties, I ended up here thanks to Corinna. Everyone was here, people I had met, people I hadn’t and Corinna was quick to introduce me to everyone as we sipped on drinks. I couldn’t remember who’s party it was or why we were here but as we all laughed I didn’t really care. I was squished in between Scott and toddy but after a while Scott left and his body was replaced by another. He had been sitting on the arm rest and I hadn’t really had the chance to get a good look at him or really introduce myself. But as I turned around and I saw him I stopped myself mid sentence “hi I’m,-“ I turned back around swiftly and glared at Corinna. “Y/N” I finished refusing to turn back around. This was her doing. I made the mistake of mentioning my perfect guy. How I expected him to look and behave and the man sitting beside me was the exact replica of that. But there was a problem. So was my last boyfriend, he fit the same bill, rough exterior, with well sculpted hair and the perfect stubble. But Jeff, I knew Jeff, I watched his videos but everytime I watched them the same thoughts went through my head ‘he’s kind of a dick’ ‘wow if he can talk about girls like that...’ and ‘I can’t fucking stand this guy.’. I didn’t know whether I should scoff and walk away or be civil so I settled on simply smiling over at him with an apprehensive look in my eyes. He catches my eye and smiles back a soft wink shot in my direction as he smirked and leant forward with his elbows on his knees and his arms folded in front of him. I gave it some time refusing to look in his direction as we made snarky comments back and forth. I was frustrated by the time I was leaving and not in a good way. He was exactly the kind of guy I’d do anything for. But this time I wouldn’t let myself. As days turned into weeks and weeks to months, 6 had passed. Today was like no other, Jeff and I had been tossing rude things back and fourth all day. It started with me insulting his videos and slowly from there it just progressively got worse, but something about this one was different, it was very different. Our voices progressively rose as we yelled following each other around the house as we fought about nothing. It started off with me passing a snarky comment about him being an asshole, and grew to us now yelling little things just to make the other person mad. Then things started getting thrown in the others general direction not to hit each other but to prove how angry we were. Pillows, solo cups, keys, even my phone which now laid shattered and probably completely broken on the floor with his laying a few feet from me after ricocheting off the now dented wall. “You’re nothing but a piece of sh!t, you’re like everyone else that’s as attractive as you, nothing but a douche who treats women badly!” I yell and he recoils back away from me a look of fury passing his face “what did I ever do go make you hate me so much?” He asks his voice dropping. With angry tears falling from my eyes I crossed my arms over my chest. “Nothing.” I say “then why the f*ck do you hate me? We hadn’t even said hi yet and you hated me what the f*ck is up with that?! I thought you were this cool and kind and caring and giving girl who is so confident and really loves life and her people, like you were with everyone else but you’re nothing but a cold hearted bitch with me!” He says angrily still “I’d rather have a cold heart and be a bitch then just another one of those girls. I’m sorry I didn’t fall all over you like everyone else. Would that have made things better?!” I muttered storming towards the door.

“what the f*ck is that supposed to mean y/n?!” He says following me with confusion write all over his face “nothing Jeff. Just leave me alone.” I say forcing back tears and grabbing my keys. “Stop running away from me!” He pleads his voice hard trying to stop me from leaving again “no.” I say as I keep trying to walk forward. His hand gripped my shoulder pulling me around to face him and in that split second his lips crashed onto mine. It wasn’t like I planned on melting into him the way I did, it just happened. My arms wound around his neck, his hat falling off as he pushes me against the wall. Our hot breaths fanned each other’s face every few seconds as we pulled apart to catch our breath. Our kisses were hungry like we had been waiting and building up to this moment forever. My legs wrapped around his waist as we pressed into each other. I didn’t know how long we were making out with each other before we finally broke apart from each other. Our breathing heavy, a look of confusion was written across Jeff’s face as he looked deep into my eyes surveying my face as if to fully comprehend that we had just done that. His eyes flicked down to my lips once more before they met mine once more. As if to make sense of it all he placed his lips on mine once more and just like the last time, I kissed back. I don’t know what was more shocking to him the fact that we were making out or the fact that I was willingly kissing him when less than 30 minutes ago we were at each other’s throats over nothing. He broke the kiss once more before setting me down “maybe we should talk. About this whole situation.” He says and I nod “ yeah I think that’s a good idea. Maybe before David gets home.” I say nervously. I pick my keys and purse up off of the floor as we exit David nat and is house. Jeff drives and I just look out the window biting on my nails gently and scratching my one leg over and over lightly from the anxiety. My movements stopped as a hand grabbed mine and laced our fingers while he drove. I squeezed his hand gently letting him know I was okay as he rubbed circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. The thoughts were running wild through my mind how could I have been so careless. But I realized, it wasn’t care less at all. In fact it was to hide something I had been trying to avoid since we met. The inevitable. Me falling for him. I had hoped if I made him hate me then I would be okay and wouldn’t but in the process I found myself falling harder for little things he did, how he smiled, how for some stupid reason there was always this glint in his eye when he was looking at me. Just to piss me off he’d always wink. But deep down, I loved when he winked at me. All of the emotions I had been trying to avoid since I met him were exploding and I didn’t know what to do because a part of me was scared he didn’t feel the same. Maybe it was how he looked at me from time to time, or the way he said my name or the simple kind things he did for me even though we were always arguing. It was poetic really a love hate that was almost terrifying.He parked the car and I took a look around, my jaw dropped when I realized we were out in front of my favorite restaurant. “How did you know this is my favorite place to eat?” I ask “I pay attention. You’re carrying a takeout box from them almost daily.” He says and I furrow my eyebrows “I live with David and he doesn’t even know this is my favorite place to eat.” “David wouldn’t know unless it smacked him in the face quite literally.” He says and I agree “for the most part anyways.” I say and he nods . We’re sitting at a booth not 10 minutes later and I struggle to keep calm as anxiety courses through my body. I was playing with my nails not getting enough of them apparently. Jeff watched me intently, studying me as if I was the most interesting thing in the world. We get our drink and our shared appetizers and finally the conversation starts “I need to know if what just happened was in the heat of the moment or if it actually meant something.” Jeff says.

“I wouldn’t have kissed you if it was just in the heat of the moment and we both know that Jeff.” I say quietly and he nods. “So you don’t hate me either? Because your mouth was saying something but uh... your mouth also definitely said something like completely different.” His eyes meet mine and I blush looking away with a small giggle “yeah well my head wants one thing and my heart wants the other.” “Which ones which?” He asks biting into the jalapeño popper I always ordered. “My head was telling me to run, that you’re the kind of guy I should run far away from and never look back at. But regardless of that. You were my perfect guy. Corinna knew that when she introduced us, but I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and I somehow thought it would be a good idea to make you hate me so that you couldn’t hurt me. It was stupid really but it made sense. And no matter how much I tried to convince myself of these things that weren’t and aren’t necessarily true but I tried making myself believe them so I could hate you. But I couldn’t hate you.” I say not much higher than a whisper. “ But why couldn’t you make yourself hate me? And why did you get to decide if I should hate you or not?” He asks slouching back in our booth. “Because. Instead of hating you I think I fell in love with you instead. I don’t know when, or how. Or even why really. But I could figure out a few things here and there that probably did that. And it wasn’t my place to decide if you should hate me or not, but it was at the time my best interest and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for making you hate me because I’m the insecure one who couldn’t admit that she was so fucking attracted to you. Im so sorry for all the things I said. But never for one second did I actually believe them. I I... I’m so sorry.” I say as a few tears fall out of my eyes and I sniffle wiping my nose while looking down at my lap pulling at my lip ring nervously. I was everything I told myself never to be and I was suffering from it. “What few things stood out to you?” He asks leaning forward and grabbing my hand “I don’t know, maybe it was the way you looked at me sometimes, it was like no matter what I said, no matter what I did, that I could do no wrong. Like I was the only person in that moment who mattered. Or how every fucking day you smile at me like you’re happy to see me. Or how even though were always yelling at each other you always walk beside the road, open doors for me, pull out my chair for me. You somehow always knew when I was hungry and you’d always make sure I ate. You never let anyone treat me badly, always got mad at everyone who tried. And that stupid fucking wink that almost literally makes my panties drop and that pisses me off.” I say and he nods. “You want to know something? The truth of the matter?” Jeff asks and I nod wiping some tears once more as he moves to sit beside me instead of across from me. “truth is, no matter how much you try to make me hate you, I won’t. I haven’t really tried either. Honestly I think part of me knew you didn’t really hate me, just wanted me to think you did. To the others, they wouldnt have noticed it, but I know you better than you think. I could see past your little glares I could see the regret in your face after everything you said, how your cheeks would turn red everytime you caught me staring at you, how you looked like you wanted to cry for hours after our little fights, honestly I fell for you so hard that I relied on our fights because at least I knew you actually cared when we did. You cared enough to notice things I did and it gave me hope. And I know exactly why. Because I’ve been in love with you for months. And this whole situation, us fighting all day everyday , I want to start over, not pretend that it didn’t happen because it did, it happened but I really want to see if we can work.” He says pressing a kiss to my cheek.

“I kind of do too. If I could take it all back maybe I wouldn’t have been so stupid and let you in. Because you’re not like everyone else, you treat me so good even though we were always fighting. You always open doors for me, walk by the road every time even when that’s the reason we’re fighting. God I’m such an idiot.” I say putting my head in my hands and letting a few tears fall. There was an arm around my shoulders a moment later as he pulls me close “I don’t blame you for being scared, I don’t blame you for any of this y/N. You’re not an idiot you’re human, we make mistakes and you came to terms with it and were being adults and were talking about this together. An idiot wouldn’t feel bad for anything and I know for a fact you beat yourself up over how we treated each other okay? But let’s start over, let’s turn over a clean slate and let’s do what we both want to do. Let’s be together. Baby, I want to be with you.” He says kissing my head. I nod and I hug him, for only the third time in my life and it feels amazing. We finish our meal before we go for a drive around to his place where we knew we’d have privacy. We both find a spot on his couch, far away at first but he was quick to come and sit beside me. “I think for a while we should just keep this between us, just gradually start being nicer to each other and see if they can figure it out.” I say and he nods “whatever you want. I’m fine as long as at the end of the day you’re mine.” He says kissing my cheek. I look up at him and press my lips against his once more with my hand resting on his cheek. Minutes pass before he pulls away grinning and chuckling “what?” I ask and he smiles at me “I’ve been waiting for so long for this I’m just so happy baby girl.” He says with tears in his eyes. I blush and look away “Jeff..” I start and he nods “I love you.” I whisper looking up at him nervously “I love you too baby. So much.” He says kissing me. Needless to say nobody heard from either of us for hours over the next two days. We spent our weekend together in his apartment making up for lost time. But reality called on Sunday night and I left for my place. I had to work Monday to Thursday and since I’d be filming with David almost every other day this week we’d have little time to see each other. I came up with a good excuse for where I was all weekend saying I got called in to teach a hair course my co worker wasn’t able to make so I was out doing that all weekend. Living with David was going to make this all the more difficult but it was going to be so worth it in the end.

More parts to come! Hope you all enjoy it!! More will be posted once I see if everyone likes it!