my former therapist told me "everything you are and become and will be is something learned; you cant be something if you didn't learn it somewhere. nothing is inherent about anyone, except for something genetic" and honestly it is still messing with me on some level

analysing vance hopper because he lives in my head 24/7 !

tw for like. literally everything the black phone covers!!!!!!

also there's some special effects gore rather far down in the post idk just i feel like i should warn you just in case

okay so before anyones like "but bee!!!! he only had 6 minutes of screen time in a 102 minute long movie!!!!! he was only on screen for 5.8% of the movie!!!!!" and to that i say i Know it was a real tragedy so a lot of this will be built on personal interpretation and subtext and stuff said behind the scenes and whatnot

so firstly i wanna rot about what his childhood/upbringing might've been like..... i havent quite decided on something definitive but i think we can take one look at his character and realise that is glaringly obvious he had a bad childhood, in one interview the actor that plays him (brady hepner) says "the background i had set up for vance is that the reason he was the way he was is his home life was fairly difficult, you know maybe his dad was either not there for him or he wasn't supportive, maybe he was fairly abusive, and so that creates a hair trigger sense of rage in vance" hair trigger meaning his patience is literally as thin as a strand of hair it does Not take a lot for him to snap

there more to it after that which i'll get into soon but yea thats the gist of it it's clear he had absent/neglectful/abusive parents and that would certainly contribute to why he's so angry all the time, maybe acting so explosive was the only way to get his parents' attention, either good or bad, so he just internalised that. obviously rage and anger issues like vance's lead to violence (not in all cases but in his case it does) and i think a neglectful and abusive upbringing would obviously expose him to more violence than a normal childhood would, therefore normalising it and desensitising him to it, whether he's seeing it play out in his own home and/or on television or something like that (because i doubt his parents would be the kind to monitor what content he's viewing)

i feel like he has little control over his life and that only adds to his anger, which in his case leads to a fight when his buttons are pushed too many times. i think he probably takes great pride in being the toughest in town and whatnot and winning fights and being perceived as strong and scary is good to him and helps him regain control/power, something he doesnt have at home. the rest of the quote from the interview i mentioned earlier states "this pinball machine could have been the only thing that he has in his heart that's like, good, like 'holy cow i did this, i set the score,' so when someone comes along and messes it up for him, it takes away the only thing that he has. i think that that's when he switches to a 'now you're gonna pay for that'"

similar to what i said about fighting, the pinball machine and his high score is something he has control over and its an important part of his reputation/image like. hes literally pinball vance ! and the whole thing about that high score being the "only thing he has in his heart that's good" implies that hes. well. pretty shit at everything else, which is pretty much canon if you remember that gwen said vance was held back twice in school. makes me think that while he's not the brightest in school he's certainly street smart

moving onto ermmmmm him getting kidnapped era because im sure youre wondering "well bee if he's so street smart then why did he get kidnapped" so may i raise two theories (this is. literally all i got and its not even concrete, me and my friend gray (@staggersz) tried to figure out how this could even happen and this is the most plausible thing we've got. so shoutout to him real quick he has had to deal with me being unnormal about vance for like a year and a half thanks king couldnt have done all this without my rotting buddy)

so either he got taken by surprise (most likely option) or vance's trust was gained first via getting given quarters at the pinball machine and small talk and shit like that but this is unlikely because i feel like it'd take a loooooong time for someone like vance to trust a some random stranger adult man when he clearly has issues with trusting and respecting people older than him and people with authority (e.g. cops, his parents, or school officials) so yea being taken by surprise would probably be the most realistic option, i always see people on tiktok being like "how did the grabber kidnap vance hes so strong!!!!" dude its a 15 year old boy against like. a 45 year old man who's already claimed two lives its really not gonna be a fair fight here

before i get into the next part i wanna quickly address a theory i absolutely Hate and it is so easily disproven and that is the theory that vance is the grabber's son or is related to him in some other way and i see it Far too often on tiktok and i HATE it. from what ive seen this all stems from his dream sequence where he kicks open the fence to albert's house and, presumably, goes inside after being dropped off by the police after the grab n go fight. idk if some people just straight up didnt realise this but clearly in real life he is going to his Own House??? in the dream it's only albert's house because this is how he chooses to show gwen the house she's trying to find her brother in, the house that he himself was killed in??? i hate the theory i hate it sm

the dream sequence itself is interesting though as the ghosts seem to only be able to conjure up what theyve seen in real life (like how bruce can picture the outside of the house and show that to gwen but the house number is all flipped and not right beause he doesnt know it) so vance being able to picture the house and the number and the gate and every detail would imply that hes seen it before, but im going to explain that away as either he got out once before like with finney's failed escape attempt, or the house is most likely on the route he walks to school or the grab n go or something and he hasnt actually been there prior to being kidnapped

mini rant over now onto being kidnapped i guess, so i used the missing posters to try and estimate a timeline of how long each ghost boy would've been in the basement for (although the missing posters are notoriously unreliable for details such as looks/height/age/etc, the dates seem to all line up). so we know the order is griffin, billy, vance, bruce, robin, finney, right?? if we use the poster date then billy was taken on may 4th, 1976, a month and two days after griffin was taken (april 2nd 1976). vance was taken on september 23rd 1977, almost a full year later (stay with me im going somewhere with this), and after that bruce was taken on july 18th 1978, again almost a full year later

its established in the movie that the grabber stalks his victims before he takes them (canon because we literally see the van watching finney and gwen as they walk home from school early on in the movie) but we dont know how long he does this for since griffin/billy and robin/finney were taken such short distances apart and then the others were taken such long distances apart, also it's possible he could stalk his next victim while the previous one is still alive, etc etc lots of confusing factors, but if i've done the maths right then the absolute maximum time vance could've spent down there is 9 months and 25 days, or 298 days, so erm . let that sink in !

howeverrrr in the movie gwen states that vance went missing "last spring" and september is definitely not in spring, meaning he could've been down there for a year or even longer. an explanation or excuse i could think of for the movie and the missing poster saying different things (other than the missing posters being known for some areas being wildly inaccurate) is that maybe he was taken in spring but wasnt labelled as officially missing until september, when he was properly linked to griffin and billy's similar disappearances and the mysterious grabber? i can imagine it'd be very easy for law enforcement, especially in the 70s, to dismiss someone like vance as a runaway until they get solid evidence that he was taken. idk though thats just my personal excuse / angsty headcanon for the difference in information

not sure what exactly killed him but we do hear from vance himself that "he took his time with me" so it was probably blood loss from a variety of injuries, if we look at him in his ghost scenes we can see his hair is absolutely covered in blood which indicates head injury, he clearly has a broken nose and bruising around his eyes as a result of it, he has these deep cuts on his abdomen area (apologies for the image quality but i believe they're like. sfx pieces you would wear under clothing)

and he also has just like. minor bruising (like the fingerprints on his arm) and other random blood splatters on his face and neck (assuming the blood down his neck comes from wherever he was bleeding on his head) so Yeah overall very unpleasant way to die obviously

okay now the part thats actually in the movie and it only took me 13 paragraphs to get here: vance as a ghost!! first thing i wanna point out is appearance wise i just want to say that when he's a ghost he's missing his choker and that fact Pains me. anyway personality-wise i feel like being violently murdered has, understandably, kicked his rage up to like. the highest level it could possibly go. he's insanely snarky and downright rude to finney on the phone, showing no empathy to the fact that finney is literally in the exact situation he was in

i feel like the whole "this is the nightmare end of your pathetic little life" and "if you knew what you had coming, you'd be fucking terrified" thing is definitely to scare finney on purpose and to get him to do something, vance might as well have just told him he's never going home cuz thats how it came across LMAOO, it is startling though because vance is clearly speaking from experience, that he was literally fucking terrified, and he is warning finney in his own weird way

the thing i think sets vance apart from the other ghosts is that while he does help finney, he does it for a different reason than they do. the other ghosts want finney to escape, to get out, to be free, to live, but personally i dont think vance cares about that. the only thing he wants is for albert shaw to be dead, for someone to seek vengeance, to do what vance couldn't. vance doesn't care if it's bruce or robin or finney or whatever boy could've come after that, he doesnt care as long as that man gets what he deserves after what he put vance through, and i see this through the scene at the end of vance's call where finney thanks him for his help and vance says, and i quote, "helping you? this isn't about you, fuck him! and apologies for being repetitive but to me it just literally proves that to vance, this isnt about finney or his escape, its just about revenge

we dont get to find out what happens to the ghosts once the credits have rolled, and i dont think we quite know enough about tbp's version of ghosts to guess what theyre up to, but i have a few theories :3 maybe theyre no longer bound to those two houses and they can now go anywhere they want in town? or maybe since their shared goal of stopping albert has been achieved, the ghosts can finally pass on to whatever is waiting for them next. i dont think vance would be content to pass on that quickly or easily as anger lingers, but i hope he'd be able to let go of it eventually, and hey we might find out in the sequel. i pray it mentions him cuz i will just die if it doesnt

sometimes, ok thats a lie, frequently i think about an au where he survived or escaped or whatever but ohhhh boy this post is already a train wreck so that au would deserve its own essay of a post :3 if u actually genuinely read this far then Wtf thanks for reading the ramblings of an absolute madman, only pure delusion could get like 20 paragraphs about a guy with 6 minutes screentime but hey thats how i roll, thanks again to my pal gray for letting me rot and thank u to my other pal ana for also enduring all this rot

hope u enjoyed my interpretation of vance hopper im going to crawl in a hole now and probably brainrot some more, thanks again for ur time :3

while i fully agree with the thesis of your gay best friend mei post (she is often pushed aside in fanworks and her friendship with red son is undersold) but i think you might have gone too far in the opposite direction regarding mk and red sons dynamic?

obviously they dont have as much plot-relevant screentime as mei and red but mk is still important to red son. even disregarding their s1 nemesis dynamic, red son still regularly brings up mk in his conversations with mei during the s3 special, announces his entrance to mk in the mech, and asks about him on meis stream in 401, all of these feel like intentional writing choices to imply he cares about mk (and mei, but thats more implicit with him saying her name and such) more than he lets on

that is to say, i dont think shipping mk and red means someone doesnt value mei and reds dynamic or think its unimportant, just like shipping red and mei doesnt mean disregarding mei and mks bond

i hope this doesnt seem like im trying to pick a fight or anything, i just wanted to put in my 2 cents :v (also tumblr is being shit so sorry if this sent twice)

MK and Red Son are definitely friends, not denying that, but the show doesn't have an interest in developing their specific relationship further past like... halfway through Revenge of the Spider Queen. MK says they should trust him, and from there on out the two banter or work together sometimes, but nothing between them really gets going or more intense

Because after that the majority of the time is spent developing Mei and Red Son's dynamic (which was already starting in S1, 1x08 in particular I'd argue, but it was still minor then).

Her and Red Son constantly get paired up onscreen together in RotSQ, both on the main quest and then in like... every shot possible. The piggyback ride thing is actually a romance trope as well, btw. 3x06 involves everyone, but it's Mei who Red Son touches and has the Samadhi Fire connection with, and even then it's Mei who interacts with Red Son before they leave and she leaves her plushie, and then -insert the special here-. MK comes up in their conversations, as Mei comes up in MK's conversations with Red Son, so that segment's even to me, but then the Samadhi Fire ending is kinda like. Man. That's unique to Mei and Red Son and it got build up. That's something intimate and between just them

Don't get me wrong, I don't think shipping Has to be about who a character values most, because my arospec ass doesn't think that there has to be a One person put above all else. But it often comes across that way in shipping. I guess a fic doesn't have to include people who aren't in the pairing, but it does feel like it skews Mei's importance to MK and Red Son.

TBH, entertaining my own idea of a Most important person, even liking Red Son and Mei together, I think think that MK is more important to Mei than Red Son is, if she had to choose. Frankly I also think both of the boys would pick Mei before each other if they were in a situation where they had to choose, MK as Mei's best friend and Red Son, to me, having Mei as his anchor to the group considering how S3 went. They all matter to each other, but in different ways.

So sure, I don't think shipping automatically means that a dynamic is skewed to exclude or devalue a character, but it sure comes across that way when paired with seemingly ignoring all Red Son and Mei do get together, as well as how often I see people trying to give the Samadhi Fire to anyone but Mei. This is also a fandom where it seems like Lady Bone Demon's nameless male sidekick gets the same amount of content she does, which makes me scratch my head

Like, if Drag-onfruit was m/m, would Red Son and Mei be the rarer pair? Would ppl keep trying to give the fire to anyone else? For me it does read as fandom sexism with a gay hat slapped on. At the very least it's MK/main character bias, even though Mei is the female lead

No one Has to ship anything to be clear, Drag-onfruit isn't canon, but maybe it's because I watched the series all in one go that hitting the end of S3 and imagining going, "Who do I think Red Son is most likely in love with/has the most compelling relationship with? -insert anyone but Mei-" baffles me

I certainly prefer Drag-onfruit where MK is deeply important to both of them, even as a sort of platonic third (1x05 shot down MK and Mei or chimera faster and harder than any other ship known to man for me lmao) and to be fair I rarely engage with Red Son and MK shipping because it isn't my thing for multiple reasons, so maybe there is a lot of stuff out there where she's really given the love and place in their lives that she canonly has and I just don't know it, but the Mei treatment that I see in fandom does seem to be a side effect of said fanon favorite ship which is how I landed on the original post I made about her getting shoved aside to be the sassy bff who's conveniently fanonly a lesbian (for reasons I don't get) so people don't have to consider that she could have a relationship MK doesn't get to have

Maybe I'm a pessimist but this is how I've perceived it. TLDR they're a delightful trio regardless

Thank you for being polite btw, I know this got long winded but I appreciate being able to discuss!

pete and patrick on zane lowe 18.1.23

patrick: “there’s so many things that have to line up for a band to make a record at this point, let alone a good one.. when i told my parents 22 years ago i was gonna take a semester off to see what the band thing did… that was it.”

pete: “i’m pitching a reality show where he goes back to school. immediately after this. the semester is over!”

they talk about the first tour and how it went sideways but zane goes “but you shouldve known, right?”

pete: “i always knew- when patrick sang the first time i was like, “this is very special” and if we could craft something around this it will be very special. to me its like watching -and i can say this because im not patrick obviously- a great basketball player in highschool, like you know it’s there- you just gotta build it around him.”

zane asks if pete knew at the time how instrumental he’d be with writing the lyrics for fob. pete says no. zane compliments pete on the lyrics for the new single :-)

zane talks about their dynamic and how we’ve seen it before in duos like elton and bernie: “its rare but when you get it right theres something magical about it.”

patrick: “it’s really blind luck to find that person, to find somebody you write with like that, when you do its amazing because- like i said, the whole point for me was that i wanted to write songs. i like composing music. im not one of those people that keeps a journal and has all of these deep thoughts that i want to share with the world. i have to make music. and when pete sends me words, it’s like christmas morning. i open ‘em up and i dont even write, im just reading ‘em and it writes itself.”

pete talks about how because of covid and because of his family and how they all got tighter during it, new fob has to be something important and with purpose because he doesnt want to leave his family. it cant just be a random show here and there. it couldnt be that anymore.

pete: “you wanna do it for the reason you originally loved. […] life is short and long.” he also talks about how some things you just do every day because youre used to it and how it becomes part of you and how its good to be able to step back and assess yourself and ask “why”

patrick: “it’s funny thinking about the why. people would ask me about folie, and its a very love it or hate it record, and why its different… and i wanted to get back to this feeling we had when we were making [folie] which was like, “i don’t know how much longer this will last.” when we did that record, the “emo” thing had this zeitgeist explosion moment and we got swept up in it, but i dont know if we’re gonna be pop stars tomorrow. so this is the last time i can gurantee someone’s gonna front the bill for the orchestra, y’know? so there was an urgency of wanting to get your idea on tape because who knows? growing up in chicago, most of the bands i knew who had the major label record- maybe had a hit and they maybe kinda fell off. thats what i was used to so i expected that, so i was like “this might be the last record i ever make”.

what are your thoughts on elsa/reinhard? I feel like they’d be a fun pairing.

OH ABSOLUTELY theyd be fun!! im really really open to most ships (yeah, even the toxic ones, even the problematic ones, etc etc, its fiction, rezero is ripe with a Ton of complicated character dynamics, i'll find the relationship interesting if theres narrative depth/potential behind it - just to make that clear :o !! i obviously do not condone that irl of course).

but yeah anyway!! yes definitely i think elsa/reinhard would be fun. you could explore it in all sorts of ways - i mean, elsa's the vampire here, reinhard's a monster for. various reasons. theres also other details like how. um. well reinhard's Immortal, so that means Infinite Guts for elsa!! and i think reinhard would be happy to at least make Someone happy T^TT he'd be like "i can just give the bowel hunter my guts over and over again and she'll be nice to me and not kill anyone else also unless theyre very very bad people? good deal :) new friend!!" or something LMAO. dudes starved for company and uh you could interpret elsas reaction in different ways. i feel like i dont know her that much atm though but i think she'd be amused yeah. i mean. infinite guts.... she gets the sword saint..... they can fight each other whenever also :)... and also meili likes the guy (she literally has a sword saint doll) so. its win win. elsa could be going "i could make him A Bit worse :)" and reinhard could be going "i could fix her :) ooh new little sister too!!" or something lajdflsjf. sorry im mentioning meili a lot when this is an elsa/reinhard ask but shes important okay. elsa-meili are a package deal and meili would have an Interesting dynamic with reinhard.

on a more serious note though... reinhard is also the best person to have if you want capella/"mother" to be destroyed. which probably factors into meili's fixation on reinhard. and also all three of them have this shared motif in their lives of Lack of Control. between elsa's backstory, meili's backstory, reinhard's backstory, it's. Something. alright. a lot of trauma to go around!! they can bond over that T^T and i think elsa and meili would have. Interesting Reactions with reinhard... the pristine powerful hero is actually powerless? thats. sad. and pathetic. and sad. but hey..... he can join the dark side too. and help us maybe... if that makes sense hah. im just spitballing ideas here pfft.

but yeah in all seriousness itd be interesting T^T maybe they could make their own weird uncanny dysfunctional trio together hah. they all got. Weird Stuff going on because they all have issues with intimacy also for Various Reasons and in Various Different Ways, so thatd be interesting to explore too!! i think theyd make each other simultaneously better and worse!! and also reinhard is. 1000% giving up those guts to elsa i dont see any other way this is going. depending on where you wanna take this though she might want like. New Guts if she gets tired of reinhard's aljdflsadjf. or maybe she likes it because she gets to see his body healing itself again and again and shes like woagh. whole new guts. :) meili can get like a little special function on her reinhard doll where his guts can fall out!!! elsa and reinhard made sure to help with the finishing touches of course <3

yeah so thats what i think!! elsa/reinhard would be very horribly funny i absolutely support this ship. <3 ty for the ask :D

I'm still in love with the first person I fell head over heels for. She is so gorgeous and driven and smart. She's got the most beautiful laugh and it made my heart feel warm. She had feelings for me too in the late 2010s and for a while things were looking and feeling great. However after meeting her in person, I realized that I would hold her back in life. I have severe depression and I can't even match a portion of her energy. Her ex-husband was similar to me mental health-wise and I couldn't put her through that again. She deserved an equal. Eventually I started dating someone that I felt was more "my speed" and was in an extremely toxic relationship which drove a bit of a wedge between myself and the aforementioned person. She moved on thank god and met an amazing man and I'm really happy for them. She's still one of my best friends. I am still in love with her and I'm trying not to be. I pine for an alternate reality where I was good enough for the love of my life. I feel like I had to get that off my chest and I appreciate you for reading this.

ahhh thats so cute n also simultaneously awful my friend :(( im sorry. it must be really painful to be in that position man :(( sometimes the person is right but the timing and situation just isnt. nonetheless your bond is still clearly very special, strong and rare. n even if romantic love doesnt look like its on the cards rn, you're always going to have each other in some capacity, that counts for a lot. but i get why you're frustrated and still nurturing feelinhs. maybe if its meant to be, in time you guys will grow into the people you need to be for it to work out the way you want it to. you really never know. however i think it's important that you have an honest conversation with yourself, to identify what you truly need to do about your feelings in order to positively progress and dont blame yourself on how things turned out… im sending you so much luck and warmth and i really hope you're okay

Taking accountability over actions.

My parents have always told me life is all about making desitions and hopefully making the right ones.. Now my dad specifically tells me that more importantly life is about making the wrong ones and learning from that. Learning from the pain, the suffering, the shame, the loneliness, the anxiety and so much more. At frist I didn´t understand when he would say that

¿Why would my own father want me experiencing those feelings?

Later on in life I have found the answer, cause he loves me and he wants me to be happy and life a full life, be a complete woman and in order for me to be that I have to have awful days and weeks, hopefully not months and years but you never know. Now I thought I knew what heartache felt like, a breakup, love related feelings but the truth is I have never been in love, never felt true relationship like love, out of my mind Romeo and Juliet love. I know guys have I´ve been with have felt that for me but I have never been able to reciprocate. ¿Why? I have a short (but still important) list of reasons:

Im immature, somehow I still believe in the perfect guy. tall, handsome (not pretty), smart, loyal, funny, pro family, respectful, athelic, good in bed, manly. And I blame my dad for that, he has always shown me that I deserve the world and the best and that everyone is replaceable and when someone doesn´t fit into one of those requirements I should leave. now the problem is that it really shouldn´t be like that. Im not telling you to settle for something lower but I am saying that some things can be fixed and you should focus on the core of the person. most important is that they have to be loyal, tall, pro family, have a job and respectful. the rest can be altered, I can style him better, cut his hair different, send him to the gym, show him tricks in bed. not so important things but the core should be top requirements for a boyfriend.

I only know how to obsess with guys, dont know how to love them.

Im scared of commitment, Im terrified of telling them everything and then im this vulnerable person and they´ll maybe do the same to me.

Im insecure, physically. im always gonna be comparing to other women specially the cute, thin, blonde ones. I always find them more feminine, prettier.

If there are more reasons.. i forgot them.

The point is, due to those reasons im not able to be in a relationship only situationships work until they start getting serious and i dip or do something to fuck everything up. And thats exactly what i did, if i can give you good and simple advice.. DO NOT DATE YOUR FRIENDS FRIENDS.. EVER. yes it can go really well but it also can go REALLY bad. and you dont want to go there, im telling you.

I was going out with my boy bestfriend´s friend, all good, he had more interest in me than i had in him, he asked me out we went out a couple times on dates, i stayed over at his house, all good (kinda, im not gonna get into the werid stuff that pulled me away) but even after i posted him on my story and people saw us out and about, i still got some dms of guys i used to talk to (and fuck) wanting to see me and stuff. This specific guy im kinda obsessing with dmed me and we talked. my situationship saw and yeah. so basically im a cheater, i fucked up and its been like a month and a half and i still cant get over it. i have so much guilt evenm tho my friends forgave me ? and told me i had nothing to worry about i still worry. i feel bad. i saw this great guy that cared for me, crying in his bed, asking me again and again why did i do it and i just didnt have a good honest answer to give him cause honestly i would end up causing more damage.

A month and a half and already fucked another person, I have been on a couple dates but i just cant seem to replace him yet. which is funny cause when we were a thing it seemed pretty easy to replace him. im also lazy cause if i wanted to be with the guy im obsessing with i could just take the metro and be there in a hour. maybe i feel guilty about seeing him too. fuck i feel guilty about seeing my friends too. i have only told three friends, my bestie that i called him the same day it happened and he helped me out a little but hes a guy so he didnt get it as much, my other guy friend and he was sweeter and told me to not worry and that everyone fucks up at a certain time but as long as i knew that it was wrong it was okay and that he had done much worse, and my other friend shes a girl so she understood better and was very sweet about it, i think they´re being sweet with me is because im the youngest and they can see the shame and the regret in my face everytime they see me.

I know that i shouldve been more straightforward and direct and just told him that i could not give him a relationship at the moment but i just didnt wanna lose on any side. i wanted to have him while having another other and not having any kind of limitation or whatever. I understand thats not how life works but sometimes i fool myself into believing that the universe loves me so mcuh that i get this "im gonna look the other way" treatment. i hope i can feel better now and start moving on with my life, i cannot be stuck on this for any longer. i know he is not stuck and i also know that we will see each other eventually and i want him to see me normal, even if i was the one that fucked up i dont want him to see me that affected.

[MAJORLY uncoherent anecdotal storytine:]

entertainment value: mild

cw: blood exams (not described in detail), vague mentions to struggles that aren't elaborated on, tmi personal rambling written by someone who is loopy from blood loss aka bad grammar/syntax/morphology/yeah also this got long whoops

im feeling mega loopy cuz blood exam (dundnt faint!! how outstanding of me. iamcurrently instanding. batumtssk!!i lie down now.)

but AT the blood exam a newer nurse stopped by and my usual nurse was like "PIVELLA meet [redacted <- (me. im redacted.)] this kid is a STAPLE in this department bla bla" and wow mom look im famius!! it only took me getting my blood displaced and stared at medically and faintinf a lot very often hshahahaah

the usual nurse is so NICE she's been doing my blood check traslocations since ive been like 15 i think maybe earlier?? idk idk i love her she's so nice and a kickass lady and she bullies all her coworkers and also me a lot!!! bully as in teasing she's nice yeah anyway yeah

me having to get my blood checked often is really inconvenient and kinda sucks!!! because i get koed and fuck if i can do anything for the next 24hs blegh but but BUT this lady has seen my grow up and seenbthe fuck up my life became and is seeing me pick up the peices abd whenever she sees me in the waiting room she shouts "its YOU" very dramatically and the staff has inside jokes about me and my dumv unoptimezed blood stats and thats REALLY NICE SOBS

like i dont wanna make a fable moral out of it like live love kaugh kindess uwu because realistacally, when i was fucked up previously (in the way that was bad compared to how i am fucked up now. funny joke. laugh.) i didn't gove two shits about people being nice to me because i was a massive hater and hated myself most (loser behavior!!!! the world hates you already love yourself out of SPITE!!!!!!!!!!) so people going out of their way to make a horrible situation slightly less horrible for me COMPLETELY went over my head "broom broom autopilot kill crush destroy ourselves!!!" (<- that's what my head looked like.ew there's no whimsy and silly in there, gross!! jk baby me gets the reatroactive love myself treatment bc noone els ecan do that for me!! what was i saying) and yeah i wasn't neurobiologically capable of giving two shits about anything, especially some random nurse going out of her way to crack jokes but idk i appreciated now!!! and she realizes i appreciate it now!!! and it's nothing big or grandiose i guess the world is still turning and nothing in the essential state of things changes bc i did a navelgazey testimony of WOW SOMETIMES THINGS CAN BE OKAY OCASSIONALLY HOLY SHIT?? but also!!! if i don't do it!!!!!!! who will!!???????

aesop would prolly write about foxes and grapes and terracotta pottery and crows and things being okay with time, but ME, a certified "just some guy", is gonna ramble about " it's gonna be okay" semantics because its!! been!! bullshit!! BUT THAT'S OKAY!!!!

shit got SO MUCH worse than what i could've imagined in my catastrophation!!!!!! id wasted my life preparing and planning for all the plans Ds and Gs and Js and Zs because my situation was FUCKED and i didn't have power to fix it, and too bad!!! SHIT HAPPENS AND IT SUCKS!!! time isn't gonna fix SHIT!!!!!! time is just a tracker of when!!! time does no good time does no harm!!!! what time did give my stupid fucking idiot idiot lovely self was time to change!!! not in just "omg change your perspective ✨" (which can be really really really important!! but you shouldn't take anyone's shit just because you see their perspective!!!! no you don't deserve to be treated like shit!!!!!! they don't deserve to get away with treating anyone like shit!!!!! what makes you so special that the world's evil needs to converge upon you?? you're just some guy!! they're just some guy!!! you be nice to you!!)

time is just there!! what does get okay with time is being!!! your enemy is no longer gonna cause you stress once you outlive them!!! you can be better than your yesterday self at any time!!! life goes on if you fuck up everything and you CAN do whatever you want with the peices!!! FAIL!!! FEAR!!! if we're scared we do it scared!!! it's not gonna be okay because its gonna be perfect, it's gonna be okay because it CAN be different!!

im still not """""fixed""""" , im still screwing things up and i still don't really understand what exactly is """""wrong""""" with me and that's okay for now, and hey!! i am capable of having a nice interaction with someone!!!! that's progress.

massive tangent lmao

local tumblr user gets some blood consensually stolen, has a positive interaction with someone, goes home and starts preaching at [unidentified recipient] jesus fucking christ maiora go to sleep this isn't the time for monologues

tl;dr: someone was nice to me just to be nice and im happy because i wouldn't have been able to appreciate it previously and it's nice to see people being nice for the sake of it

im nap now buh bye thanks for reading have a night or day!!!! be nice to you i can't do that for you!!! /lh

<3

do you have any favorite hyper-specific tropes you enjoy? like a certain line of dialogue or character type or something

OKAY LETS SEE

1) Since it’s on the mind bc of toh—i’m an absolute sucker for found siblings. Of course, i enjoy the found family trope in general and most variations (middleaged character adopting a random ass kid, etc etc) , but when its focus is on siblings? I eat that shit upppp. I mean relationships like luz and hunter, any of the dc families tbh, the rgb siblings (nya lloyd kai), or my ocs keiko and rolin—they scratch a special part of my brain.

Maybe its because i’m eldest sibling myself, and my brother is only two years younger making us pretty close in age, but i just really like sibling relationships and they hit more than parent/child ones for me😭🙏 We don’t always get along, but i’d say we have a pretty strong relationship now

Something about going through the same motions, esp if ur both still trying to find ur place in the world, and knowing you have someone to rely on is just so special to me. Even with blood siblings, it doesn’t really feel like unconditional love at first. Like, you have to choose to be someone who will care and be there for them. Urgh idk it just feels different even though with parents it’s also a choice to care about someone. Like with a parent or guardian, it’s like you want to expect them to have all the answers, but with someone closer to ur age who chooses to treat you like family, it’s like—well we both don’t know what we’re doing but we have each other to lean on.

And the “found” part isn’t necessary but just a nice treat bc i feel like it highlights that Active choosing to care for someone like family. waaah. Like Kai in s1 of ninjago having a whole arc that leads to him leaving behind his own desires to save tiny lloyd, and then literally promising to always look after lloyd after , or luz promising to keep hunter safe bc he’s family now, and then my story with my ocs rolin n keiko is all about them becoming siblings to each other😭 it just makes me feel sooo emotional

also sibling banter 💥💥💥 i feel like u can say more uncalled for shit w siblings

So yeah if you look at my list of faves don’t be surprised if u see a lot of characters who have a significant sibling relationship in their story 🙏

2) Now i dont know if this counts as a trope, but as for fave character type theres usually this One scene that makes me go Oh i love them. and that scene or line tends to go like this: Character up to this point has shown a fun, perhaps confident or carefree personality, but as soon as they’re alone, it’s revealed to the audience they’re capable of feeling so much more. Idk i guess im thinking kon at the campfire, or wukong in lmk specifically always being chill then being serious when he’s alone

3) Also in category of things that make me love a character: slapstick comedy to highlight dorkiness. or honestly just any type of comedy that undercuts a character’s supposed Cool/Importance Factor. 💀 like the amount of slapstick a character goes through has to be proportional to how unaware the character is of their own dorkiness. Im thinking Kai bumping his head while threatening garmadon or bragging about his skills only to get slammed by a tree (or a rock. or a wall. the list goes on.). Or Kon saying he’s fine cuz he can fly only to wham his head when the ship turns and then subsequently get flung around while the ship flies, or slamming his face straight into the ground cuz he’s an idiot.

Or like, Karkat’s whole thing. he’s a walking clown circus. sollux going “do NOT run that computer virus” and karkat ignoring him only for the computer to explode in his face. idk that shit makes me laugh

4) When characters start talking about how they don’t wanna be left behind—it depends on the writing but that usually Hits for me 😭

um i could probably think of more but thats all i got for now

ok ok i havent been like. Active in this fandom for a while but i jus

red shoe theory!!!

okok listen alr i do Not believe this as an actual canonical thing, and i can totally see why a lot of people are frustrated with it, but i just??? love it a lot??

so im gonna jus. talk about it lmao

so for anyone not aware of the red shoe theory, its just the theory that the reason izuku wears his red shoes(and why we see baby am with them) is because quirkless people need special shoes to. yk. Walk Comfortably. now personally again i dont this is canon but i like it a lot!! as someone with wider feet than the average person, i’d like to say Shoes Are A Fucking Nightmare

here’s the thing, my entire family has this issue, and for all of us, shoes hurt. i live for the day i can finally actually afford Good Fucking Shoes that Fit ok. it does not matter how many sizes i go up, it has also hurt to wear shoes. and i know that Yeah maybe losing that pinky toe joint would change much, but i feel like itd change enough, yk?

see, my feet are most wide at my toes- and as a kid this was wonderful! it actually gave me a lot better balance than most other kids, and was great for climbing places i wasnt meant to be able to climb.

now? owowowow pain i hate my feet

i cannot easily find shoes that fit me comfortably, and in the end my shoes will always begin to break open at the sides of my toes.

my feet arent extreme, its not super noticeable, but its enough. and its why i like the red shoe theory- because honestly if i could afford it id scrounge up all my fucking money to get shoes made for my type of feet. and the idea that quirkless people having that toe joint make their feet that might wider, requiring them to have specific shoes, is something i can rlly rlly relate to

and i know another issue people have with the shoe theory is that ‘why is it only those shoes??? wtf’ but i’d also like to say that, despite the 20% statistic we’re given, i feel like its more than a bit misleading? im a firm believer that quirkless people are either a smaller percentage of that, or that the percentages shrink drastically depending on where you are. specifically, i wouldnt be surprised if japan had an incredibly low quirkless population

and the thing is, yeah maybe a lot of companies might cater to my feet, but practically none are affordable for me where im at, and i feel like that could be the reason for the shoes- in japan, maybe with the dwindling quirkless population all the wider shoe companies just. stopped yk? because it stopped being profitable. so at a point, it became incredibly hard to get those shoes, and eventually they had to be imported to you to get them in japan. and yeah, thered absolutely be other designs for the shoes, but consider: the red shoes are the cheapest. its simple, yk? with how quirkless people are shown to be treated, they seem unlikely to be able to get a rlly high paying job, and when you dont make enough money you just go with the cheapest option, yk?

but still, obv some quirkless people Wouldnt Do That, whether to avoid the off chance of someone recognizing their shoes or they just cant afford it, people would absolutely go a size up or smth! hell, thats what im doing! but still, that kills you feet, which in turn hurts your knees, then your hips, and finally your back. it fucking hurts man

so idk i find the concept rlly interesting personally

Good day/night everyone👋

I need some tips on how to tag things.

i want the tags i share on my account to be easy to find when searched for. Can anyone here recommend me some tips or suggestions? Organize everything, ya know...

Please im really lost here, and idk how to tag shit 0_0"

ah thats easy! or well, maybe for me is it - haha there are two major ways I see ppl tagging -use a bunch or tags - or use half of them when I personally tag, I like to use limited numbers of them and, use the right ones, example, the Octo Boys they are an AU of the DCA - but they could be seen as their own little creatures, and I take this into consideration, reason why I use only tags related to the DCA and not the whole fandom itself - I dont want anyone looking for Toy Freddy art to find mine - it wont make sense - it also helps to come up with a special name for your art piece keep in mind, tag is not only for looking inside the app, but inside your blog itself, reason why artist tag some art pieces like "my art" or like I do - when I share my bestie art, I tag it as such! so then, when I need to find one piece of art, I go and use it (is like a mini google search bar !) when I see ppl use many many tags, I know they do it so the piece they made is showed in many search as possible - totally good! you want to be seen the more tags, the more chances to be found! but - unless your art has any sense to what the piece show, please try and use the right tags - and please! use words - nothing like "p!ay" or similar, it doesnt work in here - this also works for warnings, when tagging, if a piece is- lets say- gory! please put it as "blood" "gore" "creepy art work" and similar in this app there is an option to now show specific tags - that way you can follow someone and not see that one special thing you hate or dislike or dont care to see.. I'll use me and my Bestie strangerstime these are they tag used on the last post (their characters meet Eclipse from the last DLC) they all mese sense - we first see the tag use to difference the game showed - the characters showed - we see the use of their AU name! - and the important use of the spoilers tag, even in there is no normal spoiler - is the use of still a new character that can be seen as spoiler itself! (and how they really are!)

now lets see me! :D this is from ship art I made you see I use less tags - I mostly tag the characters seen - and the name of the couple itself - I could use the "fnaf security breach" to also be seen by those looking for it

but personally, feels like it doesnt really belong there.. is-- is try and error! maybe someone can explaint it better! but when I got here, I just saw what other ppl use, using my logic of "tumblr is just huge librery - tags is just a way to cataloge art -" this whole stuff is - of course- for art - the thing I know the most.. now, if you - like another friend, post pics of your modeling then maybe start by using common tags like in instagram. Tumblr may eventually show you more accounts like yours, and from there you may learn of more terms to use! hope I was helpful!

ok heres my hot take on wrestler-pokemon teams... for the best friends.

there are 1,012 pokemon that exist nowadays so the sky is the limit and you can choose whatever fits your agenda. which is what i did. i picked pokemon that fit my agenda. if you dont like my agenda thats fine. you should tell people your personal pokemon agenda by forming teams of your own.

ive placed my wall of text under a readmore for your benefit:

i think its important that neither chuck nor trent have "competitive" teams with optimal pokemon, but they probably have moves/items/very specific gimmick setups that could catch someone off guard (akin to the legendary world champion pachirisu moment).

chuck:

swadloon is cute and grumpy (and im biased because its one of my favorites). karrablast looks like it'd run around yelling "murder" but also karrablasts have a unique evolution dynamic with shelmets which i gave to trent. its important that i dont think they would ever trade those two, ever. i also dont think they'd even know they'd evolve from it. crobat evolves from high friendship with a golbat which is so cute especially because its such a mean lookin' thing. lillipup is just walter straight up. heracross is a friendly fighting bug, i didnt really have much heart in this choice (now that i think about it, i would swap it out with something more reminiscent of swamp monster maybe) pignite is self explanatory, but also i needed/wanted to give him a starter pokemon and not just a whole bunch of small cute weak things.

trent:

shelmet, see above. raboot is just a cool and chill looking pokemon that looks like it exercises a lot, without being one of the more obvious workout pokemon types like machamp or w/e. then we have three dogs (boltund, arcanine, granbull) because he loves dogs. the idea of trent also just having a basic ass diglett makes me laugh. no deep explanation there. he just inexplicably has a diglett

orange:

i think 100% that orange has an espurr that is constantly just staring and creeping everyone out so they give it a pair of sunglasses to wear so they wouldn't see that. dunsparce is just because i think itd be funny if he had a tsuchinoko. emolga would be something he's had since the fire ant days. gloom because it looks like that. marshadow wouldnt specifically belong to him so much as it would be this legendary mythical pokemon that hides in his shadow that people rarely ever see (but i also think marshadows' thing with their fighting spirit matches with orange's temperment). i begrudgingly added snorlax, which seems like too much of an obvious choice. maybe a komala would work too. whatever. maybe infernape would work for orange too, but i have a personal bias against infernape. i do think he could use some sort of trickster jokester pokemon, maybe i'd replace dunsparce with one of those...

kris:

most of these were recommended/suggested to me and i agreed with them. two aliens because of course, but also: i still miss the alien gimmick. a luxio because last we saw her she had blue in her hair. a ponyta because its cool and tough and cute. vaporeons rule. and i really like the new farigiraf from the latest pokemon.

i also think the entire stable should also share custody over a shroomish, just because i think itd be funny:

special bonus, yuta:

(his eevee would evolve to a jolteon or something post-best friends)

double special bonus:

i think danielson would have a perrserker and the dark order (one, or all of them?) would have a falinks.

I've been questioning if im autistic

big sensory problems seriously

i like vegetables but i cant stand the tastes of some of them and textures. i mean i eat it but there's certain THRESHOLDS that i just can't, im about to puke, im sorry. it tastes good but idk why my body is rejecting it

i cant stand STRONG TASTES and STRONG SMELLS. But apparently I smell some things stronger than others???? like i can smell pee in some places where others dont lol (its the bathroom of course i smell the pee) and then it sticks to my nose bc of the particles that got stuck on my mask (as in anti COVID-19 mask not masking) so i had to swap masks but everyone else seemed fine

cant stand cold food lol do i just have stomach problem

cant stand perfumes or efficascent oil

cant stand sounds that people dont even think are loud tbh but its mostly because I'm scared of damaging my ears

its really hard to sleep without ear plugs but i think i just got used to it after sleeping near someone snoring.

touching certain textures is fine I'm just mildly germaphobic so if i touch something that feeels like it has like, idk, germs??? but im not scared of getting sick??? idk microorganisms scare me even though i know theyre everywhere

i cant stand the smells of some masks which other people dont notice (like, the insides)

but there's some things im dull at tasting or smelling

motion sickness dude... my whole life dude. and travel lag for hours

feel pressured to act normal but sometimes i just wanna let go maybe its social anxiety

cant speak/can barely speak idk if its enough to count as nonverbal during mornings but its so hard

its hard to respond when so many things are going at once

bad sense of direction because its hard to remember locations because of so many things around at once

triggered when some random person touches me but i just have boundaries

i dont really stim unless im excited. i dont rock back and forth for self soothing, or maybe i do??? idk i move sideways sometimes. i cant sit still i think HAHHAA when i discovered it was a thing though, shaking things off is pretty neat ow my ankle jk

iii do get the urge to just verbalize random shit fidget in certain ways but i dont really do it

i mean i do fidget but when I'm nervous

i do mimic things and basically built my identity by chipping things off from characters since I've been so confused about who i really am and that's the most accessible way of expressing and experimenting about it

some synthetic sounds or just music honestly hurt my ears. i dont know why. these things arent being complained about by other people. it makes composing and appreciating music hard.

ive never really parroted things randomly when i was a kid i think or llike older or something. i guess i did when i was like 3 until yeah

i dont really relate to the special interests thing though. might be important to have. actually maybe its art, music, writing. but growing up ive been kinda a stubborn person who didn't really wanna learn from anyone and just did things on my own. butt once i realized i would greatly benefit from learning i cant stand a day where i dont learn or improve IM JUST A PERFECTIONIST MAYBE but i dont really talk about them thaaaat much i dont really talk about anything much i dont really have much to say unless people are asking me for information

Ive been considered weird by peers before. when i was in grade 1 i tried writing a book in a small tiny book. it was a self help book. and then my classmates wrote "you're crazy" in the pages and tHATS WHEN I LEARNED TO USE EMOTIONAL WARFARE AND CRY IN CLASS TO GET WHAT I WANT MOTHERFUCKER -

I've always been so confused about socializing and why people seemed to know more about it than me but i realized afterwards that it's really just an art, there's no hard and fast rules besides not truly being a douchebag, and people just do whatever

i guess another thing that could be considered a special interest is my unstoppable urge of asking people about themselves, I'm really curious about others but have no idea how to talk about myself lol (i mean its stoppable i dont wanna look weird but i do wanna prod people so much)

i really wanna learn more about psychoanalyzing people but i hate Sigmund Freuds work HAHAHAHAHA

if it was more accessible maybe id be more nerdy about i

reading books is hard man...

ARTIFICIAL/SYNTHETIC FLAVORS. ARTIFICIAL/SYNTHETIC SMELLS i cannot stress this enough. i cant stand the combination of chocolate and milk sometimes, i cant stand the taste of whey protein sometimes when it has chocolate and milk as its flavoring

i think this is neurotypical as well but my senses get dulled sometimes when im focused on something else then later when i break focus all the sounds return. i guess yeah that makes sense but like it feels like i dont even process them subconsciously the info just gets thrown away HAHAHAHA

cant sleep when something is touching my neck even if its just my clothigny

when im already affected by motion sickness all of my senses get worse i guess thats normal

are my talking patterns weird <- my thoughts almost always

on the flip side, despite my interest in people, there's also me not understanding people and fictional characters *some emotions or recognizing them until i read or watch analyses or meta posts (thats why I love them)

i mean getting diagnosed is incredibly terrible Because People Will Make Your Life Worse and judge you for it with stigmas but heyyy at least i can get an excuse from my family why i dont wanna eat those *specific* vegetables please i beg i feel bad for the veggies whenever i want to vomit them

so yeah since i cant get diagnosed might as well ask actual neurodivergent people on tumblr

maybe i should just blender them into a nice textureless juice if i want my fill NUTRIENTS BABY without the near vomit experience!

wonder if any neuro divergent peeps out there relate or if im neurotypical but i really just do have problems with textures and tastes

hi i’m not really sure how to do this but i came from your uquiz and you seem knowledgeable and nice and so i’m asking you a question now i’m sorry

uhm, so, i think i maybe might be trans (ftm) because i’m super dysphoric and i sometimes look at guys and i get really jealous because they just get to, like, exist like that (i’m not really sure what the “that” is, but god, do i want it) and i very much don’t and when i refer to myself using he/him pronouns in my head it feels, uhm, at the risk of being a cliche, right, i guess.

but the thing is that i don’t really fit into any of the stereotypical trans guy things. like a lot of my friends when i was little were girls and though i have some stereotypically masculine hobbies (sports and physics) i also sew, and when i was little i was obsessed with being a princess for like a month before i started refusing to wear dresses.

i don’t think i’m non-binary, i tried using they/them pronouns this summer and while they didn’t actively hurt like she does, they didn’t really feel right.

so, like, am i lying to myself? i don’t know, maybe i just want to be special (i don’t want it, though, if i could just be happy as a girl i would).

sorry i just unloaded half an essay on you you obviously don’t have to reply and i know you’re probably not qualified to answer anyway, i just needed to tell someone, you know?

anyways, i hope you’re having a nice night or day or whatever. thank you, for, like, existing on the internet i guess. your quiz was very nice. bye.

howdy anon! dw i am always glad to answer questions abt this stuff even tho it make take me a while lol

my best advice for situations like this is i know its easy but don't let yourself get caught up in the trap of "well this is the label that makes me feel best but i dont technically check off every single box for it so am i just lying?" people arent video game quests, you dont have to hit every single box for it to count, youre allowed to have stuff fall outside the technical definition of a term while still calling yourself it. im very similar to you, i was in tap and ballet growing up, wore dresses and makeup for most of highschool, sewing crocheting knitting the whole shebang. but the important part is that none of those things make a difference to your identity. knowing how to sew doesnt make you a girl, it can just make you a guy who knows how to sew. its a thing you do, not who you are.

all that being said, i think another helpful angle to look at things is "does the distinction between two similar labels actually make a difference to me?" using myself as an example again, i dont call myself a trans man because while i do prefer presenting masculine, for some reason the term 'man' just doesnt feel right for me. but at the same time, to the rest of the world that's functionally what i am, right? so does that change /who/ i am? no. so for me personally, ive deliberately chosen not to file myself into either "trans man" or "nonbinary" and just move on with my day, because to me it doesnt actually make a difference which one i am, im still gonna stay on t, i still want top surgery, i still want to be perceived masculine, and thats not gonna change no matter what name is on the box so who gives a shit. just do what makes you happy

i am not your everyday person

i dont do daily journals, make good morning/night posts or update my parents what i do every minute. im not the type to commit to a set goal like writing 100 words everyday and keep doing it until i reach 10,000 words. i always struggled with those type of goals since young. but now that im getting older, i have come to accept that i am simply wired like a 20% cheetah and 80% panda

for instance, i work my ass off and take action in strong, accelerated bursts within like... three continuous days. and then coop up in my shell for the next two weeks or so. you can never unplug me out of there until im recharged.

but when the time comes again and my presence and action is absolutely needed, i will be there.

which is why the prospect of quality time really aligns with my primary love language. some people might relish in words of affirmation, receiving gifts, or acts of service, but i express my commitment to everything under the sun by making the most of the given moment.

and so that means i do not take cancelled meetings lightly, nor people bailing out with plain excuses at the last minute. i dont like quitters either. because the moment i say i'm in, i mean it. i set aside everything else and stock up my energy to accommodate this moment, spending my full undivided attention to make it high quality, even if it doesnt last forever.

thats why whenever i take vacations or visit an exotic place, i always wanna visit or try out everything. i remembered a lot of special, specific days this way by pure memory without even noting them down; days when i reached a new milestone, reunion with my loved ones, and even the most terrible days, i dont forget.

it only makes sense that when i watch a movie with someone, i get irked and upset if theyre not immersed as i do and busy with their phones. its disrespectful to the creators and offensive to me, because that means they dont value the time we set together. so nowadays, i'm more picky and stingy with my time.

important events are seasonally categorized in my headspace. i have my spring and summer moments when i wanna be dolled up to attend gatherings, or go frolicking around the grocery halls pushing a full cart in my grandma outfit, climb the top of the mountains with limited oxygen, ride the deep-end of rollercoasters while screeching my head off, and pulling all-nighters for my curricular activities.

its like living life off the edges. i always reach that precipice where im two missteps away from falling off the cliff, but i dont, since i am busy admiring the view at the top. i always play my part (sometimes others' parts too that they left unattended), and i always manage to reach the end.

my fall and winter moments are comfortable but messy. not so exciting for an outsider looking through, since i just seem to laze around, dragging my feet like its the most exhausting thing in the world to prepare myself some dinner. but thats where my brain, the CPU of my whole being, is working at its full power

some might think that my 'bursting' state is where it's at, but that's all impulse: like the blinking reflex when something gets on our eye. it's robo-automatic: hiking a mountain? must reach the top. a project due? dont sleep and finish it. the wildest things you might hear me go through, still kicking it sans sleep sans water were all organized chaos—things that i foresaw, prepared, researched, and planned for while i was 'resting'

my resting state is where i tune in to the past and possibilities, and write them at present; maybe to improve the future in some way, but mostly to quell and disperse all these ideas popping up in my head before they could burst away like bubbles in sheer overpopulation. this is my way of release in a fast-paced world.

it is the 21st century after all, and so i find this celebration of my 21st birthday very special in particular. at my vantage point, it seems like i have caught up with the times. we're the same age now. coming of age doesnt come with a cost, so I have to pull my bootstraps and act accordingly.

ah, to start with, perhaps allocating a small share of the panda labels and raising the stocks of the cheetah entertainment to 25%? ha! they seem reallyyy oppressed. the cheetah in me says they have more places to go.

p.s. if you reached up to this point, you already spent your precious time reading my words. . . and for me that means a lot

Okay. Please tell me. Is this too much to send to my friend? I don't know if it's too far or not.

I feel so close to you. Ive never felt this way with anyone else. We're like that trope of "more than friends less than lovers" we're different. We're special. I never believed in soulmates before i met you, but i do now. You're my person. We would find each other in every universe, wether we are friends or lovers or something else. You mean so much to me, and i know i say that a lot, but i still dont say it enough. I live you with all of my heart (and i dont care if you are able to say it back or not) Ive thought for a while that i like you romantically, but honestly im not sure. I just feel a connection with you thats more than most people ever find, and maybe thats what its like to like someone romantically, but also maybe not. Sometimes its hard to tell between different kinds of love. Its scary to be in love with someine for fear of ruining the relationship altogether and losing them. I know we are close, but i still wish we were closer. I miss you whenever we're nit together, and it scares me whener we dont talk much for a few days because i cant let you slip away. I wont. You are my whole world, i hope you know that. I could never lose you, because that would mean losing half my soul. Amd i would die if it meant saving you (and im fucking terrified of death, so youre the only one i would do that for). You are more than i ever coulve hoped to have. I never couldve seen you coming. Wherever fate takes us, (if we end up dating, if we hate each other, if we lose touch) you will still be forever with me. I carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart. Ive heard poets talk about a string of fate, and that has reminded me ever increasingly of our invisible string. You have to admit that we're connected in a way most people arent. Maybe im crazy, but i think you'd have to be insane to not notice this stuff too. Maybe other people feel like this, but i have rarely seen anyone so truly committed to someone ekse as i am to you. The only true example i have seen is from the book the song of achilles. In the book, achilles is stubborn and rude and a terrible person for the last few years if his life. He lets countless people die because of his ego. Patroclus does not agree with any choice he makes, but he never once gets angry at achilles. He stands by him. He stands up for him. He stays with achilles, until he dies trying to fix achilles' mistakes, while still saving achilles from dealing with his own problems. However many mustakes achilles makes patroclus doesnt care, he stands by him forever. He found a boy of gold, and knew he would never let him go. Thats what you do. You find someone so important to you, and you vow that however much they screw up, you wont be angry, youll still love them the same. They are still yours. And, though achilles does most things for himself, esspecially towards the end of the war, he still dies getting revenge for patroclus' death. Those two are the textbook example of soulmates. They always find their way back to each other when they get seperated. They are loyal to each other to a fault. Their only moral compass(at least for patroclus) is to always follow the other, and fight for them. I see us in their story. Our places switch between the characters, but every set of soulmates that has ever existed has been fit in that cutout. We fit there alongside so many people. If there is only one set of soulmates per lifetine, then we are those two. We are less fragile that a set of ordinary friends, and we are less held back by the rules of lovers. We've got our own thing. You are mine, and i am yours. Ive never felt this way with anyone, and doubt i ever will with anyone else. I hope with ever fiber of my being you feel the same, but if you dont, i hope that you will trust me enough to tell me. There is so much more i could add to this, but hopfully i have a whole lifetime to do so.