#im just sad that i came up with this literally a day after pride month | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

brelione · 4 years

Text

Purple And Yellow (Kiara Carrera X Smart!Reader)

If you’re one of those folks that say “PaN SeXuAliTy iS bIpHoBiC” than leave,peace out and dont come back until you have a better attitude:)

Kiara had stared at you longingly everytime you stepped inside the wreck

She had memorised your order of a coffee milkshake with whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles and a small order of fries

They never had rainbow sprinkles until you started coming to the restaurant

The sad expression on your face when she told you there were no rainbow sprinkles had literally hurt her soul so she made a mental note to always keep a container of rainbow sprinkles just for you

Everytime she was you you were wearing something yellow

You either had a yellow bandana,a yellow shirt,a bracelet or a yellow hairtye holding your hair in its messy drooping bun

If the color yellow was a person it would be you

As you became a regular she would make small talk with you

“I really like your shirt...im guessing yellow is your favorite color.”She giggled.You nodded,pulling at the fabric of your shirt lightly. “Yeah,its a really good vibe that i’ve got going.”You grinned.She agreed,watching as you left the restaurant.

That night she had taken tweezers to separate the yellow sprinkles from the others to surprise you when you came in for your milkshake

She had asked for your phone number once which was awkward because you didnt have a phone

You had a snapchat though so you gave that to her

You two made plans to go to the beach and she said she’d pick you up

She wasnt really expecting your house to look the way it did

It was small and originally white but was covered with random yellow,pink and blue hearts

You had come out of your house,struggling to keep your cat behind the front door

You werent wearing anything yellow that she could see which made her thought that maybe something was wrong

But her worries washed away once you got to the beach and unbuttoned your white shirt to reveal a mustard yellow bikini underneath

“You know,I feel kind of uncomfy in a bikini in public.”You sighed,looking along the beach.There were only three other people at this beach in particular.She had done that on purpose so she wouldnt run into anyone she knew.She giggled,making you raise your eyebrows. “What?”You asked. “Uncomfy.”She laughed.

You two spent the day searching for seashells and seaglass

You let out a loud gasp as you came across a small puddle of water high up and away from the water

“Uh oh.”You mumbled.Her eyebrows furrowed,trying to figure out what you were looking at.You rushed to take off your flipflops,making the small crab that had been trapped in the puddle get onto the white material.You ran down to the water,scooching it off the shoe and back into the water.Kiara had recorded the whole thing on her snapchat,giggling. “I SAVED IT!DONT WORRY!”You exclaimed,running back to her with a smile on your face.

When you got to her house after your beach trip you decided to paint some of the seashells you found

“Hey,hey you wanna know a fun fact?”You asked.She nodded,waiting for you to continue. “Seashells hatch.”You answered.She wasnt sure how true that was but she grinned,acting amazed.

She had asked you to sleepover

You obviously said yes after calling your sister to confirm

You two made vanilla milkshakes and added food coloring to make it your favorite colors

Hers was purple and she decided to add some blackberries to give it an even deeper color

“You dont seem like a purple girl.”You sipped your milkshake.She bit her lip,squinting. “What does that mean?”She asked.You shrugged. “I dont know,just doesnt seem….you seem like a red girl.”You told her. “Red?Why?”She asked.You shrugged. “Well,in literature the color red often symbolises anger,passion and adventure.And to me you seem like a very passionately adventurous person.”You explained.She nodded,blushing. “I love that.What does yellow symbolise?”She asked. “Umm….usually happiness,creativity and madness.Kind of like Alice from Alice In Wonderland.She’s quite yellow,id say.”You explained,tapping the side of your glass.

You two decided to go swimming as the sun was setting

She was wearing a purple bikini with a cool flower pattern

You two sat on pool floaties,watching the sky change color

“This sunset has both of our favorite colors...like look at those clouds.Those ones are yellow and those are purple.”She observed,pointing to the clouds. “You know,clouds arent really a color.It appears to be the color of whatever reflects against it.”You grinned,closing your eyes.

When she introduced you to her friends she regretted it because Pope literally stole you

The two of you would talk about science and you’d get into super deep and passionate talks about the history of neuroscience

When she felt like she was drifting from you she’d come up behind you and wrap her arms around your shoulders as you talked

She bought you a really cute yellow dress to wear on dates

She loved studying with you

She hated the studying part but the way you got so excited when you talked about certain topics made her listen

You taught her to take important notes on only purple paper or with a purple pen because studies show that you’re more likely to remember something if the color of it is pleasing to you

As you were talking about the importance of balanced meals she interrupted you with the “Alright,Spencer Reid.”

“Ive been thinking lately and I think you are a purple girl.”You spoke one night,your face buried in the crook of her neck. “Yeah?”She asked.You hummed. “Why is that?”She asked.You grinned. “Because purple is associated with royalty and you’re my princess.”You giggled,waiting for her reaction.

You spent the weekends at her house all the time to make friendship bracelets and colorful food

Your personal favorite was purple macarons

When you went to see her after she had a bad day you would wear a lavender colored bra with matching underwear because you knew she loved it

“Im just saying we should take over the Kook Academy and then we can turn the auditorium into a movie theater and the cafeteria into a ball room.”You were a bit drunk.She nodded. “Yeah,yeah that is such a beautiful and well thought out plan.”She laughed.

She let you paint her nails with yellow nail polish with purple polka dots

For pride month she painted your nails the color of the Pan flag

JJ was fascinated by your existence because you were so pure and giggly and couldnt understand how you and Kiara got along so well

As he put it you were like cloud bread and Kie was sourdough

He was high when he said that of course

She had ‘adopted’ your famous yellow tshirt that you had been wearing the first tme she saw you

You got back at her by stealing a purple snake ring she had gotten off of amazon

Pope was just glad to interact with intelligent life

John.B was jealous of how happy you and Kie made eachother because he doubted he could do that for Sarah

You graduated highschool a year early and started doing online college courses so you wouldnt have to leave Kie

You learned how to play “Cant help falling in love with you” on the ukelele

Whenever she couldnt sleep and you couldnt come over she’d facetime you and youd play it for her until she fell asleep

109 notes · View notes

kewltie · 4 years

Text

anyway, abo au where alpha prohero ground zero decides it's time to start a family of his own but he doesn't have a mate and neither does he want one so he signs up for an omega surrogate program & meet his former childhood friend who will now carry his baby for him.

izuku is a male omega w/ v v v high fertility even for his secondary sex and a strong body which make him an ideal surrogate to give birth healthy babies. w/ the program izuku contracted, izuku had given birth to several babies for various ppl over the years & babies are all happy and that's all that matter.

being a surrogate wasn't ever part of his dream but izuku is an omega & quirkless in a world that doesn't exactly appreciate either. one day when he was fruitlessly working at his 9 to 5 job, a rep from the company approached him w/ a pamphlet about surrogacy. the paid is v v good, the prenatal care & pregnancy compensation is all taken care of by the clients and his company, and he can select and choose which jobs to take. many families and ppl in the world cant have kids of their own for various reasons and izuku is HELPING THEM ACHIEVE THEIR DREAM. in his own way izuku is helping these people!!!! He may not be saving lives has a hero that he always wanted to be but he's giving them their hope and dream in a child they all want so izuku does his job proudly. the only sadness he gets from it that once it's over the baby isn't his anymore bc he's contracted to sign over his parental rights to his clients.

so he tries desperately not to fall desperately in love w/ each of the babies he had. it's... tough but he loves them all the same. the good point is that some of his clients will let him talk and meet w/ their child’s birth parent so izuku isn't deprived of that connection.

it's a quiet and unconventional job, but izuku is happy w/ this lifestyle that he had chosen even as it make DATING AN ABSOLUTE pain. how do you explain to ppl that no you're not marry yet or date anyone but you have several kids floating around all over japan in various household??? lol /o\ this made him feel terribly alone thinking how he wants a family of his own one day after seeing how he's making his client so happy w/ their new baby in their arms. happiness wrapped in a surreal sadness as he watched his babies w/ their new family wishing for that happiness for himself one day but while izuku is settled in his bubble of melancholy an solitude, katsuki BUSTED DOWN THAT DOOR when he made a requested to have a surrogate. NOT JUST ANYONE WILL DO, the best one you FUCKING GOT: experience, results, good health, strong quirk, smart, and not some fucking easy omega.

the qualifications and requirements are obscene and ridiculous lolol but he paid through the roof to get the absolute best for his future child. izuku hits every one of these markers except... for the quirk one. the program hesitate to bring the two to meet but katsuki is impatience. he had been delayed and delayed over and over again for months as they try to match up a good surrogate partner for him. every one of them he had quickly rejected v v loudly and walked out on the meeting. izuku is literally their last hope as katsuki throws another fit.

katsuki is getting older now, close to his 30s annd still stuck in singlehood while all his colleagues and friends settle down with a family of their own. his parents, esp his old hag, has been relentlessly nagging him to GIVE HER A BABY ALREADY SHE WANTS TO BE A GRANDMA BEFORE SHE DIE so w/ all kind of pressures, he said fuck it, i'll give you a fucking BABY but i dont need a mate to do it but in truth he earnestly does want a baby for his own bc the idea of raising a tiny human w/ all the trails and errors and potentially fucking up is humbling & huge responsibility. he thinks he’s up for it like the pro-stage where he's standing at the top now, he can conquered it w sheer force and effort as he does w/ any challenge that he face. Parenthood will be his greatest battle and hurdle he has to overcome and he's going to fucking ACE IT. so katsuki is 10000% in this and he wants the best surrogate for his baby.

the program finally have izuku & katsuki meet after wasting 5 months of trying to find katsuki a suitable partner that he won't reject right away. so their first meeting go something like this: multiple slam doors, a table is flipped, and a lot of yelling.

it went great because izuku is hired right away. Just kidding.

katsuki had thought it was some giant fucking joke the moment izuku had walked through that door. "Who the fuck set this up?!" he demanded, kicking a coffee table over. so furious that his hands were shaking bc the idea of the length he'd went through and hoops he'd jumped over to get here JUST SO HE CAN BE MAKE A FOOL OUT OF, he'd stormed out a sec later, slamming doors violently on his way out and they had to dragged his ass back w/ the fervent promise that no IT'S NOT A PRANK AND WE HAVE NOTHING TO DO W/ CHARGEBOLT OR RED RIOT, PLS PLS LISTEN TO US.

he came back to izuku's unperturbed face as he took a sip of his coffee and katsuki snapped defensively, "i hope you won't fucking be drinking that piss when you're pregnant with my baby."

Unimpressed, Izuku replied, "good thing im not pregnant yet bc who said i would agree."

Flustered and red in the face w/ anger bc THE AUDACITY OF IZUKU TO REJECT HIM WHEN KATSUKI SHOULD BE THE ONE TO DOING IN THE FIRST PLACE!! izuku was the one who doesn't deserve to carry his child!! but the director of the program hurriedly assured him that izuku IS THE *BEST*. he got a pages of recommendation/referral, glowing reviews, and every client of his had never been happier bc of him. all his pregnancy were carried to full term and the babies are all good & strong. izuku himself go the gym when he's not on the job, keeping a healthy lifestyle. he doesn't drink or smoke (which katsuki emphasized in his requirement) and his family doesn't have any record any genetic disorder. he may not have finish college but he test high in his IQ and he take his job v v v seriously. the only problem was... he's quirkless.

it's a thing izuku always make it point for all his clients to know what they could potentially get w/ their children if they chose him. some walked away but most stayed with bc izuku is THE BEST OF THE BEST and they want kid more than they want a manufactured perfect child.

"will that be a problem?" izuku asked, meeting his eyes dead on. "does the thought of having a quirkless child anger you?"

katsuki bristles, clenching & unclenching his hands at his side. though no much had change over the years, he's older now, not that dumbass kid anymore, misguided by his own sense of pride and arrogance and warped by prejudice and the superiority of his quirk. He had left that behind in UA, who happily beaten the idiocy out of him. now, he doesn't care if his child is quirkless or not bc they're his and he'll raise and love them all the same. if the world treat his kid crap for being quirkless, he'll teach them to fuck the world up till it bow down and kiss their ass bc they're a bakugou and they don't settle for anything less, which brought back to the point that izuku REALLY IS THE BEST THEY GOT.

so he shook his head and said, "it doesn't matter whether they're quirkless or not bc they're mine and i always take good care of what's mine."

Izuku's eyes widen and for fraction of a second his cool mask of difference crack under katsuki's heartfelt and sincere words. They havent seen each other since middle school, that’s over a decade, and katsuki truly have grown up into someone the entire world can admire and hold up on a pedestal as the no. 1 hero in the country.

"And what about you? you're okay with me?" katsuki retorted. "with the kind of volatile *history* that we shared."

Izuku paused, and then, he said quietly, "i'm not that petty to deny you a child bc of our past bc neither of us are the kids we were back then."

katsuki stood up. "get him the paperworks and have him sign it. i want him and nobody else."

Izuku jerked up in surprised. "that's it? you dont want to ask me anything else? don't you want to go through my records and background to make sure that im the right fit for you."

katsuki stared down at him and it was like pinned under glass before he said, "we may have changed, but something are still the same. you still want to help ppl even if this is a roundabout way to do it. i trust my instinct and my instinct is screaming at me to give you a fucking chance." He looked away, scratching the back of his head as he continued, "if there's one thing that is made clear to me now is that you're a good person and i was a shittyass kid for not realizing that sooner."

izuku's breath hitched. it's not an apology but it's damn close.

and with that he left izuku dizzy with a confusing cocktail of warmth, shock, and something far too nebulous and strange for him to put a finger to yet. when he first realized it was katsuki who was looking for a surrogate, he'd steel himself of the rejection & lashing out to come. izuku had spent his entire life rejected one way or another, so he was mentally prepare for this to be added to pile esp from the man who had hurt him repeatedly before. when katsuki had left for U.A. and izuku in the dust, they rarely have anything to do w/ each other after that even as he'd followed katsuki meteoric rise to the top, his blazing trajectory that placed him as the current no.1 bc despite everything, katsuki truly is amazing and deserved his place. he just never thought they would meet again in the sort of situation where a baby is the bargaining chip.

izuku was prepared for everything that katsuki would throw at him... but not his fervent agreement. now, izuku got to face the fact that for a year they're going to spend in each other pocket as izuku tries to carry not only katsuki's baby but his hope and future too. it's going to be either a total nightmare or some v v surreal dream bc it's bakugou katsuki with all that fame and temper and strong armed will and izuku is just... plain old izuku. he never had a client w/ such power and weight to throw around and so high profile that every know his name.

oh what did he sign up for, izuku thought as the door to the meeting room was slammed open again and katsuki glared at the director. "wait i want it all to be done today," katsuki said. "put my sperms in him as soon as possible."

izuku dropped his face into his hand and sighed.

the process of getting izuku impregnated is all v clinical and boring. izuku goes under a pseudo heat simulation that fool his body to think he's actually going into heat so his fertility up even more so during this period and he get artificially inseminated w/ katsuki's sperm. this is actually a process and takes several days & even weeks to prepare bc waiting for izuku's most fertile window during his heat period is v v important to have higher chance of success NORMALLY but w/ advance tech izuku can go under a pseudo heat that trigger release of eggs so they can get it all done pretty quickly and dont have to wait for nature to set it up for them.

katsuki already provided enough sperm to last a fucking lifetime bc he's an overly prepared asshole and it's three days later when they meet back at the clinic to start the process. all of this is under the watchful care of doctors and nurses to make sure everything go right. izuku had done this many times before for his previous clients so this isn't new to him at all but it's the first time that a client specifically demand to be part of the entire process.

izuku stares him down and tells him in no uncertain detail bc it's already weird enough to be the one to carry his former childhood friend's baby but to have him watch izuku get inseminated w/ his sperm?? YEA OK, no. katsuki glowers bc he just want everything to GO SMOOTHLY. his micromanagement & obsessiveness drives the clinic insane but izuku kinda finds it funny and cute?? maybe bc he's aware that it's just katsuki's nerves acting up since this is so terribly new and terrifying for him and HE DOESN'T LIKE IT WHEN THINGS ARENT UNDER HIS CONTROL.

neither katsuki or izuku is alone this bc surrogacy isn't about either them it's about the baby and the ppl who helps make it possible and that's both of them. the surrogate who carries the unborn fetus and donor who gives a part of themselves to make it all possible. izuku hesitates before deciding screw it & reaches out and holds katsuki's hand in comfort AS THOUGH KATSUKI THE ONE GETTING THE PROCEDURE DONE TO HIM. "i'll be fine," he insists. "i've done this plenty of times before and dr. abe even longer than that with 20yrs of experience so i'll be ok."

"I'm not worry," katsuki snaps, even though he squeezes Izuku's hand hard enough that izuku is afraid his bones might crack under the pressure. "i know you'll be fucking fine, wont he dr. abe?" he stares down at the doctor with the full force of his wrath that the doctor shifts nervously.

"o-of course, bakugou-san," dr abe is quick to assure him. "our best ppl is on the job."

izuku rolls his eyes bc while heat inducing artificial insemination isn't exactly a new tech but there's a risk to any kind of medical procedure. it's low though and izuku isn't worry.

katsuki lets him go and izuku just sends him a quick reassuring smile over his shoulder even as katsuki can't take his eyes off of the entire trip to the surgical room. the process takes around 1-2 hours max & izuku comes out of it mostly woozy & still under heat related stress.

he needs to rest the next few days as he lets nature and w/ the help of science takes it course. izuku rests up at the clinic that provide him 24hrs care to make sure everything is alright which is all normal and part of the procedure. what surprise him is that katsuki visiting him DAILY. he actually bring izuku's home cooked meals that are carefully & thoughtfully prepared (healthy food choices!!) that it silences him for a moment.

"you know im not pregnant yet," izuku points out helpfully. "do you want me to explain how biology work in case UA didn't go over it in their curriculum?"

"shut your face and just eat," katsuki says with a glower, and watches intensely as izuku eats every bite and not leave a single piece behind. while there he harasses izuku's nurses and doctors, asking for izuku's vital stats and probing questions about the surgery & his health.it's so annoying and overbearing, but izuku can't help the smile threatening to break through his defense bc that's just like katsuki shoving his business into everything and dominating the entire process even though it is IZUKU who is going through it all. it's dreadfully cute.

izuku is fully recovered after several days of rest as expected and he is, once again surprised, to see katsuki is right there every step of the way as he is release from the clinic. katsuki who took a short shift today just so he can pick izuku up, which IS SUPER RARE. katsuki is a total workaholic and married to his job kind of pro hero so for him to take half a day off is beyond shocking for everyone?? bc HE GOT ENOUGH VACATION/SICK DAYS TO TAKE SEVERAL MONTHS OFF w/o any worry, but he came to take izuku home and make sure everything is in order.

it's not that izuku didn't have any clients wanting to be so involve in the whole surrogacy/pregnancy process but katsuki takes it into a whole new lvl w/ how much he inserts himself into izuku's life like it's not just the baby he care about but izuku too. he delivers izuku home and make sure izuku have his emergency contacts at all time in case ANYTHING, ABSOLUTEY ANYTHING HAPPEN and he wants izuku to text him daily with updates even for stupid things. he's obsessive and demanding and nervous, and izuku thinks it's funny as hell.

so for the next several weeks, izuku flood katsuki's phone w/ commentary about his days that HAS NOTHING TO DO W/ his chance of being pregnant. since izuku full time job is just being a surrogate, he mostly spend his days wandering around the city, reading, volunteering, etc. izuku updates katsuki on his daily activities and while he doesn't always get a reply immediately but his updates are always left on read and sometimes katsuki would leave some *encouraging* word like 'yea,' or 'okay' and izuku doesn't know why but he finds them comforting all the same.

when he wanders around the city, he'll text katsuki his coordinates bc katsuki is paranoid &wants him to keep away from dangerous area or area under villain attack, he would take pictures of the heroes he see and katsuki would have a snarky comments on each & every one of them. it's in this moments that the two of them really come alive. izuku get a glimpse of the world that he could have had if he had a quirk and pursue his dream of going pro hero and insights on what it's like to be bakugou katsuki, the man standing at the pinnacle of the pro hero scene.

At this point katsuki is even more engaged in izuku's text now. he becomes interest in the books izuku is currently reading, the outreach programs izuku super passionate about esp for young and disenfranchise quirkless youths. then there are izuku's rowdy neighbors and their hilariously complicated love life that izuku is terribly invested bc of his lack of one.

"i think higa-san is going to break up with him today," izuku would update him one day, after watching his neighbors have another blow out.

katsuki texts back an hour later: "yea right, the guy is spineless coward. he wouldn't ever go through it."

izuku lets out a smile as he stares down at the text. it's the most fun izuku ever had in the middle of a job that he forget they're not friends at all but client and surrogate. this is a job for him and izuku is an end to a mean for katsuki. it doesn't mean anything. It couldn’t mean anything. Why is he even trying?

Izuku has been doing the job for seven years and carried his pregnancy to full terms five times. he knows the routine even though each client he had were different from one another and not all pregnancy are the same, but he knows what to expect and prepare. nothing truly surprised him anymore. Or at least they shouldn’t. ,his world didn't suddenly change w/ katsuki's arrival in his ordinary life. izuku is still very much the same person, but all the same he wake up everyday w/ renews energy and lightens heart, looking forward to seeing the text notification from katsuki popping up on his phone screen.

he finds himself looking forward to their interaction the most throughout his days. a glimpse into katsuki's world and what it means to be a part of his life again however temporary it is bc izuku knows there is a time limit to this. he's only allow to talk like this w/ katsuki bc he's doing him a favor, a job, an obligation in exchange of money. they're in a relationship artificially made, they're not friends or colleagues and izuku may be carrying katsuki's baby in the future but he's not a parent w/ katsuki.

He’s an incubator.

these thoughts feel tangibly familiar to his past cases where he had carried the fetus to full term and had to part ways with his baby and the client/parents and separate himself from their lives after the birth but it had never hurt in this way like the thoughts alone would cut his heart into pieces now. it's beyond selfish to get attach and izuku tries to maintain a careful distance w/ katsuki bc they're client and an employee, but katsuki is relentless. he won't settle for just for pieces of izuku and his life. he wants it all. Izuku may be weak enough to give it to him…

he invests himself into izuku's life, his interest, his worries and thoughts. to katsuki, izuku isn't just an incubator but someone who shares the other half of his baby's genes so of fucking course he IS INVESTED BC izuku is just as important as the fetus he could be carrying right now but izuku has a hard time wrapping his head around it bc while izuku was w/ his other client they were all kind and caring to him during his surrogacy but never to this length. they weren't interest in him as a person but someone who is a means to an end, a tool to make their dream come true.

izuku isn't hurt by that regard bc he knows getting involve w/ your surrogate can be a hot mess & confusing for the baby growing up so izuku knows how to keep his distance and careful to keep his heart walled up but katsuki has a habit of breaking things. He’s so very, very good at it, especially distubring the peace of izuku’s heart.

katsuki may be relentless w/ his attention & dedication but izuku's walls went down embarrassingly easy as though he was waiting for katsuki to reach out toward him after all the years apart and shake him loose from his bubble of solitude. katsuki doesn't realize how affected izuku is by his clumsy and gestures, but izuku won't tell. He’s too embarrassed to ever bring it up because even after all these years katsuki still has such a sever effect on him.

so izuku lends himself to enjoy this upcoming months as much as he can bc once it's over they will part ways again as though they exist solely in different space and the only chance he'll get to see katsuki and the baby is through the screen of his tv. it doesn't bring him any comfort but it's manageable. izuku can deal with it. he got years to get used to it by now. It’s not gentle but it’s a blunt kind of truth that mend with time.

several weeks after since izuku did the procedure, he doesn't feel any different but izuku wakes up one morning and he could feel a strangeness settling over his body. there are a lot of old wives tales about pregnant omegas and women and most of them are false, standing against scientific knowledge but izuku been going around this block five times already, so he realizes there may be some truths to a few of them.

he gets out of bed and makes breakfast before making sure to send a text and photo to katsuki about his meals bc katsuki is ANAL about making izuku eat right. katsuki motherhenning him miles away even as he is out on patrol is still the most hilarious and weirdly sweet thing, izuku finds. it doesn't feel suffocating at all to him. sometimes he when the thought slip out of him unconsciously he thinks this is what it's like to have an alpha of his own, but katsuki isn't his by any means.

izuku forgoes his favorite breakfast meal this time and go for something he rarely eats. a food that he normally doesn't chose but it feels right this time. it all clicks. the signs were all there several days back. the frequent bathroom usage, his breasts throbbing, and cramps. he'd seen it already but this morning it lines up perfectly like it was all meant to be, like everything is built up just for this moment right here.

so with a bounce to his steps, he waits for katsuki's text back. It takes a few mins when katsuki get back from his morning run bc he got a routine and is terribly predictable in that regard. his following texts rip into izuku's choice of food bc IT ISN'T HIS USUAL at all and katsuki have colorful words about the kind of junk izuku force feed into his body and DOESN'T HE KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF. HOW THE FUCK DID HE SURVIVES ALL THESE YEARS ON HIS OWN.

izuku smiles down at his phone even though katsuki is blasting him and everything he choose to be, but HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT ALL MEANS. it's kinda adorable so when katsuki get into a slow rant about food group and healthy life choices, izuku cuts in:

me: oh btw im pregnant :)

he didn't get any get any respond from katsuki for the next five mins so during that time izuku makes fresh cup of juice to drink while katsuki works to settle down his panic. when he comes back fifteen mins later, it's to a series of angry keymash and texts.

kacchan: a;sjdasdf

kacchan: as;dlifucccck

kacchan: fuck fuck fuck

kacchan: are you serious?!

kacchan: DONT FUCKING JOKE WIHT ME DEKU

kacchan: i'm coming over right now

kacchan: you better be sitting down

kacchan: don't fucking move even an inch

kacchan: YOU HEAR ME

me: ok

izuku sits there peacefully, enjoying his cup of juice as he waits for katsuki's arrival. one of his hand rests over his stomach carefully & though he hadn't taken any test or get his bloodwork done, he knows, instinctively & intimately that there is a life growing inside of him.

it's all very silly and unproven since there's no concrete evidence to support any of it, but maybe it's his omega instinct, maybe it's his experience as a carrier who brought five children into this world, or maybe it's just wishful thinking on his part, but he knows and this is a truth that won’t be brought down.

izuku takes his job v seriously bc people's happiness hinged on his ability to give them a child they earnestly had wished for so he of course he would want to be pregnant as soon as possible, but--izuku looks down at his stomach, this time even more so he wants it to be real.

he wants to be the one to fulfilled katsuki's earnest wish and give him the child he desired. it's as much a part of his job, his duty, but also something he selfishly wants for himself. this baby, this child will be his only connection to katsuki once his job his completed. they'll part ways after this--no more late night phone calls, morning texts, and silly anecdotes they exchange to each other everyday bc izuku is unlikely to ever see him again. their worlds are just too far apart, like the two planets stuck in orbit but never meeting but at least with this child, izuku knows there is always a piece of him w/ katsuki always. so more than anything, this child will be his gift to katsuki.

he picks up his phone & sends katsuki a text.

me: if you dont mind, could you pick up a pregnancy test just to be sure?

izuku knows himself & his body, but he wants to be 110% sure for katsuki's sake. he doesn't want to get katsuki's hope up only to crush it later. katsuki's respond back is quick and telling.

kacchan: will three do?

kacchan: do you need anything else?

kacchan: i'll get them

izuku pauses, frowning hard as he looks down at his phone.

me: please don't text and drive

me: also, try stay below the speed limits

me: i dont want you to die before you see your child.

this time it takes longer to get a respond back.

kacchan: dont fucking talk to me about the speed laws kacchan: im not a reckless idiot

kacchan: my entire job description is to uphold the law so degenerates dont fucking run amok

kacchan: ... im not driving right now

izuku's brows furrow in thought before a smile cracks across his face.

me: kacchan... did you pull over to the side just to yell at me?

me: that's so terribly cautious and cute of you :3c

me: you're already on your way to becoming a great dad.

kacchan: FUCK YOU!!!!!!

Izuku laughs, light and so tinged with joy that it feels so strange to him to be this happy about something silly as this.

me: not a chance but thanks.

me: dont forget to buy my pregnancy test and i dont need anything else. just come here as soon as possible afterward

and he leaves it that. katsuki doesnt text him back anymore, leaving izuku to wait for his arrival with anticipation. he should get up and clean the apartment so it's presentable at least to katsuki. he hadn't had a guest in a while so this would get a good change but katsuki's warning still loop in his head. getting up to clean the apartment would constitute moving around and izuku is barely into his first trimester so, it's not like he's straining his body or anything. katsuki is just being an overbearing anxious new father.

izuku had seen that before in his past clients, who constantly fret over izuku's health but they're not THE GROUND ZERO and he has the nagging suspicious that he doesn't want to test katsuki's thinning patience with him. it's fun to tease him like this but he knows his limit. so izuku continues to sit there & waits, playing w/ his phone as he scrolls through the hero news site to check any interesting updates. izuku may have long let go of his dream but he can't disconnect from it completely. it's how he stay in the loop w/o actually being a part of it.

izuku's eyes widen as he spots a tweet on the #groundzero tag on twitter that sits atop of all others: "no jokes, guys i think i just a saw #groundzero stormed into my store and headed toward the omega’s hygiene care aisle. he bought a bunch of stuff before heading out.”

it already got a several thousands likes and retweets, with a flood of comments that ranged from "what?? sounds fake lol" or "okay, who would have guess gz would be the one to secretly keeping an omega on the side" and others are filled with more confusion and disbelief.

izuku makes a face. his contract binds him to confidentially and assurance that his identity remains quiet. he never had any problem with his identity being exposed w/ any of previous clients but then again he never had such a famous client before. this--is going to be a headache. he chews down on his lower lip in thought as he shuts down his phone. he's going to have to remind katsuki to be more careful next time lest they figure out what katsuki is up to... and who izuku is to him. not his friend, not his sweetheart, not his omega but his surrogate.

just as izuku ponders about doing damage control, there is a series of loud insistent knocks on his apartment door. izuku blinks and hurriedly to the door w/o any thought who is on the other side bc somehow he knows it got to be *him*.

he opens to door to katsuki's scowling face.

"i told you to not fucking move," katsuki scolds, and pushes his way inside w/o any invite, carefully moving izuku to the side like izuku is made of glass which make izuku annoyed right away but also painfully fond in that . he's an overprotective idiot but he's trying and that's--*something*.

"how else would i let you in then," izuku retorts, rolling his eyes as he leads katsuki into apartment. "im only couple of weeks pregnant at most and you're already asking for miracles."

katsuki scoffs but doesn't argue as he hands izuku a full plastic bag. "okay, start peeing."

"I--" Izuku opens the bag and looks inside, staring down at the pregnancy tests stuffed to the rim of the small bag, all eleven boxes of them, "I dont have enough pee for this."

katsuki frowns. "drink a lot of water then," he suggests.

Izuku shoots him a glare. "that's not funny," he snaps.

katsuki's frowns deepen. "i'm not being funny," he says.

Izuku sighs and just digs his hand into the bag to grab a handful of the boxes. "i'll do only two so dont even." he throws the rest of the bag at katsuki and heads toward the bathroom.

it horrifyingly takes them all 30mins to be done w/ the tests bc katsuki v loudly insisted that he should do more than two, kept on banging on the bathroom door to let him know that. izuku gritted his teeth and took three more and really DID RAN OUT OF PEE AFTER THE FIFTH ONE.

the wait for the test results which only take a mins or two is ramped up by katsuki anxiously pacing back and forth in front of izuku until izuku grabs him by the sleeve of his shirt and drags him down to the sit next to him in the couch. "it'll be okay," he assures katsuki.

katsuki scowls and brushes off his touch, but he seems to breathe a little easier after that. the first three tests gives them a positive, the fourth is a negative, and the fifth is a positive. izuku frowns at the result. he knows in his heart that is w/o a doubt pregnant and the majority of the results support that but, he casts a nervous glance katsuki whose face is seemingly troubled, that's probably not enough for katsuki who spend a load of money to afford izuku's time, commitment, and body. Izuku is expensive but so is katsuki’s time and investment.

he definitely wants more than a dubious result that isn't 100% guarantee that izuku's pregnant and even if izuku tells him that he is truly pregnant bc izuku knows his own body, that may not go well either. "we can get the bloodwork done tomorrow to check for sure," izuku tries to assures him. Sometimes science speak louder than a parental instinct.

katsuki stares at him, eyes so intently focus on izuku that he feels like's a butterfly pinned under katsuki's gaze. abruptly, he reaches a hand out and grabs Izuku's own, giving it a quick and purposeful squeeze. "Move in with me," he says, sounding so grave and serious.

izuku gets up from his seat. "Do you want something to drink?" he asks, already heading toward the kitchen. "suddenly, im parched."

"did you hear what i just said?!" katsuki demands, trailing after him like a yapping puppy on his heels. "And sit the fuck down! let me get it."

abruptly, izuku stops and turns around to face katsuki with a glower on his face. "im just pregnant and not an invalid," he snaps, annoyance prickling at him. he had been doing this longer than katsuki could even imagine. "And i can get the drinks myself in my *own* home thank you." katsuki's eyes widen slightly at the sharp tone izuku had quickly adapted and heaves a sigh, carding a hand through his hair in frustration like izuku is the one being purposely difficult here. "I--fuck--" He frowns, face scrunches as he search for his next words. izuku waits it out, patient and silence against the inner turmoil that must now be swirling inside of katsuki.

katsuki's gaze drops to the floor, hands balling at his side. his breathing even out as he grimaces. "sorry," he finally settles on with a quiet mumble.

Izuku steps back in surprise. shock, really. "w--wait can repeat that again because i just thought i heard you apologized without any prompting."

katsuki flushes, ducking his head. "shut the fuck up. im not going to repeat myself," he rebukes, but the damage had been done.

Despite the years tempering his recklessness out he can't help wanting to poke the hornet's nest. "i honestly didn't think sorry was in your vocabulary, kacchan," he teases, grinning.

katsuki flinches back as though struck, surprising izuku once more. the words were said in jest, meant to ease katsuki into a laugh or close to it at least but something like pained flickers across Katsuki's face that immediately izuku wants to take it all back, but katsuki's expression had already closed up.

Izuku's heart hurt, thinking that he'd lost him. he'd pushed too hard. they're aren't friends, barely acquaintances really. just a client-employee dynamic that izuku should have been careful of. he always know where to toe the line of the boundaries of his job and with his client, but--they were doing so well that he'd hoped. been so hopeful because it had almost feels like they were sort of friends again.

izuku and katsuki had always orbit each other's world but childish pride, anger, and superiority had torn them apart and izuku was pushed out of Katsuki’s life. now that they're older, izuku is no longer that child blindingly infatuated with this remarkable person before him. he knows what he's capable of and katsuki had certainly earned his place at the top of the world but he won't be cowed either. so it's fine if katsuki doesn't want to fall back into a some kind of make shift friendship with him. it's fine if he just want to think izuku is just a walking incubator for his child. izuku will survive. He had survive this long without katsuki ‘s looming shadow after all.

katsuki hunches over as he grits his teeth. "fuck."

izuku blinks.

"i'm not that shitty fucked up kid anymore," katsuki nearly growl out, pinning izuku with a look of full intent. "I'm," he swallows, hesitant, wary, "i'm trying to be a better person, a friend, a son, and most importantly a father now that we have a spawn coming our way."

Izuku's heart quickens at the 'we' usage even though it probably means nothing. nothing at all. katsuki was only just opening himself to him. this is something that startling new and truly welcoming experience for katsuki and izuku shouldn't mistake it for anything else. he can't be too greedy. so he steps forward, wanting to reach out and touch katsuki to affirm of his existence, but he doesn't. not when katsuki is like an exposed wire right now--twitchy, nervous, and just a little shy of imploding from carving himself open for izuku to see all his true feelings and motives.

izuku smiles.

"If i didn't think you were a good person then i wouldn't have entrusted this child,” he touches his still flat stomach, knowing life is stirring underneath his palm, "with you." katsuki truly had grown up. he'll be a good father, izuku muses but it's a bittersweet feeling. "i still want my independence though," he continues. "i've done this many times before so you can stop treating me like i'm going to break if you breath the wrong way. thousands and millions of omegas and women have been doing this a lot longer than me and they're fine. im fine, so breathe."

katsuki's presses his lip together into a grim line. "I know that," he shakes his head, "but you dont have to this alone. i'll want to be there with you every step of the way even if it mean you need someone to run to the grocery store for some shitty midnight craving. I want to be the first person you think about when you need any kind of assistance not because you're weak or helpless but because you just need someone, so let me be that person for you," he finishes, looking on in pained after spouting such sweet sentiments.

it makes izuku want to laugh, but he doesn't think that would be welcoming right now because katsuki still got his pride after all. "I'll think about it," he acquiesce, heart warming several hundred degrees as though he's standing under the direct sunlight of bakugou katsuki.

katsuki grimaces, clearly unhappy with izuku's non-answer but he relents anyway with a long heave. "ok, ok, i can deal with that," he says like the words alone was hard enough to swallow, "but if you change your mind at any moment just let fucking know!"

Oh, no, izuku thinks helplessly. he wants to give katsuki a treat for being so annoyingly overbearing but considerate in his own clumsy ways. "well, if you behave yourself, i might even consider taking you with me to my OBGYN doc this thursday," he says casually with a shrug.

Katsuki scowls, but he stands up straighter. "I'll--" he looks away, flushed with an earnest yearning spread across his face, "be good, okay?"

Izuku quietly tucks a smile between his pressed lips before it break through even though this is terrible for his weak, weak heart.

#bakudeku #not!fic #surrogate au #hi SORRY im back now #i got distracted by uh reading some stuff so i didn't keep up with my post QQ

80 notes · View notes

mrpenguinpants · 3 years

Text

Alright, I finally read Reincarnation no Kaben

AFTER MONTHS (it’s probably been a month? My mind doesn’t keep track of the days) I FINALLY CAUGHT UP TO RNK. Ty to Okita anon for the recommendation (*￣3￣)╭💕💕💕 I absolutely loved it.

After this I’ll start on the other recommendation you gave me. I kept a bit of a log of my reading journey under the read more tag.

Major spoilers for literally everything in RNK up to ch 53 “Withdrawal”.

Oh, and I’ll finish answering all my leftover asks and I SHOULD have a fic done by tomorrow. I was so ready to write and then I got up. Now I’m back to bed.

I’m just gonna write this as a log since I read super super slow and I’m only on ch 7 at the start of writing this but I’m really liking it already. Though to be fair. I love everything okita anon recommends haha. I remember you saying you were simping over Kouu and I haven’t gotten to the part where he appears but I wanted to quickly google what he looked like to prepare myself and I see this:

Well. That’s reassuring.

I was actually kinda surprised by how many western figures were in the manga since I know there are only like 7? Around 7 western figures that pop up in any anime/manga but seeing people like Albert Fish was kinda surprising but I really liked it. Also, at the end of certain chapters they write little bio’s on them so you get to know more about them was such a nice touch. I also love that the tradition of making males -> females still stays strong even outside the fate universe hehe.

---

Literally, the next chapter I see him. AHHHHHHHHH. Well maybe not him but his eyeballs.

This guy lowkey reminds me of the MC’s brother but it’s 99% because he has the same long ponytail. I wouldn’t be surprised if the brother was apart of the the Greats. Honestly, Ein reminds me of those really hard headed girls that are actually really kind on the inside but aren’t good at expressing themselves (maybe because that’s pretty much her character). I also like that Ein doesn’t like males but she’s hiding behind this guy. At least, I’m..99% sure this is Ein.

I FUCKING KNEW IT. AS SOON AS I SAW HE GOT A THEIF TALENT I COULD FEEL THE SOLO LEVELING VIBES IN ME. HE CAN STEAL TALENTS I FUCKING KNEW IT!!! I’m surprised that Neumann didn’t say anything and Haito seems to be aware of it.

Edit: Ah okay, I understand a bit now but it almost seems like Haito is the only one aware of Toya’s second talent.

Edit 2: Okay, as much as I love power hungry MC’s I’m really glad they didn’t make Toya into that. I am such a softie for sympathetic and kind MC’s like these even though it’s been done so many times. I’m really glad this didn’t feel like a rehash. I mean, some points some of the stuff Toya says it does but it’s fine, I don’t mind that. I actually gave a crap about him since I usually prefer the side characters (I UNDERSTAND ANON, I CARE ABOUT KOUU SO MUCH AHHHHH) but HAITO?? AHHHHH.

---

I like that Izo always has the same hat in every adaptation he’s in lol. Istg, cats are always op. Schrodinger seems so strong and the parallel universes are my absolute shit. Sometimes I think, in one universe I did this and in this universe I’m not. Would I rather stay in this universe or be in the one where I am actually productive. Usually I pick the productive universe and actually work but sometimes I’m a bit of a slacker haha. I think this is my approach to a lot of things in life. But I digress, I don’t wanna get too deep into my life.

I can sorta sympathize with the sinners. At least the ripper guy to say the least. I love love love unhinged characters that just want to basically destroy the world or at least have fun. But then you find out- wait they are actually sympathetic oh no. That’s how I felt about Djoser in “im the great priest imhotep” (please...i beg...someone read this...I’m so starved).

As much as character development and rooting for the hero is cool and all, I just want to simp for the crazy “let’s burn the world to the ground” kinda character. I’m also so glad Toya doesn’t automatically become evil and try and steal everyone’s talents because he does seem like a good person and I really don’t see him suddenly switching fields so when he saved (I don’t remember names I’m sorry), the undead solider it was really nice. Proves that he still has his humanity and isn’t strictly relying on the branch of sin.

It makes sense that he wants to steal talents since he never had one (and it was kinda out of left field when he killed Vlad and we just never addressed that ever again haha) but to see him actually consider his actions and if he actually want’s to steal his teammates talents feels right to me. Poor guy doesn’t seem to have a lot of friends so this is the first time he’s ever seemed to have companionship, aside from Haito, so I really hope he doesn’t attempt to steal their talents. I think I’m thinking of the slime? That time I got reincarnated as a slime manga/anime. Where he’s the pokemon catcher of skills. I thought that was where it was going.

But I do kinda like how selfish Haito and Toya’s talent stealing relationship is (I mean, later it develops but my first draft of writing this I wasn’t there yet). I’m not sure if selfish or like self-gratitude/pride is the right word but it’s kind of a breath of fresh air. Rather than Haito trying to contain or “help” Toya’s inferiority she’s actually encouraging it and using her own talent for her own...acknowledgement? Er, yeah let’s go with that.

---

This. This interaction. I love this. Like, genuinely love this. We need more of this. Two people from opposite sides finding some common ground and their fight to the death is less about morals or whose on whose side but for themselves. I love that. This is actually some wholesome stuff.

Edit: AHHHHH CATCH MY UGLY CRYING IN THE BACK BECAUSE ALL THE “SINNERS” ARE ACTUALLY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. IM DEAD. YOU’VE KILLED ME.

---

I KNEW IT! YOU CAN NEVER TRUST THESE KIND OF PEOPLE!! I’m going to slap the whiteboard on this but if I see any “goofy” character I’m immediately sus of them.

As much as I hate that Hitler is getting drawn as a small child I really like this. I know the whole, oh I killed your friends but I’m letting you go because you express humanity but I’m gonna finish my death with a sympathetic line, can be annoying to people but idk I really liked this.

Honestly this and the undead soldiers death hit me hard ngl. This manga might not have my favourite art style during some points compared to like main stream manga but it has some really beautiful scenes.

BOOM CALLED IT, though it’s pretty obvious lol.

THE PONY TAIL NEVER LIES AND HES DA VINCI IT MAKES SENSE NOW

He looks so cute lol. I like that Seiya has the talent of being talented in everything while Toya has the talent to steal other talents. Seiya can probably only cap his power by his own physical/mental abilities with Toya can pull a solo leveling and go further beyond. Thinking of it like jack of trades vs master of none type deals. Though, I might be thinking too hard on this. I like that this man is actually humble but I really wish there was a tiny bit more to him since we only get this one interaction/backstory but the manga isn’t completed yet. I really hope we get to know about Seiya more;; like how he became da vinci or etc.

Everytime I see Neumann I look at that comic sans type and it kills me on the inside. But I love that her eyes are 01 just, mwah perfection. These little details that aren’t that big but it’s soooo nice. I also ahem, unhinged character heart be still. It’s really nice reading manga in bursts because you can see the art progression and damn does she look good.

tiny fang appreciation post.

ngl i’M HARD SIMPING FOR THIS MAN. It’s the pony tail, I have such a thing for guys with long hair (and this is why genshin broke me) but man the art really picked up here.

I didn’t get into it but OKITA ANON I GET IT. KOUU??? AHHHH. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE??? As much as his whole “war” was a bit questionable in the beginning and tbh I still don’t really get it I like that he knows he’s not the same as the other Greats but still tries to help the other “sinners” in a way only he knows. That’s why Seiya was so important;; I get that he wanted them to have a fun death and to be understood but idk, the whole war idea and having them kill each other (especially the Hitler fights because I understand the others since they reached some kind of acknowledgement) but nonetheless, what a great guy.

Nightingale gives me mad masaki vibes from chainsawman. I hate them and I can’t wait for you to fail, but the inner part of my is cheering for you because unhinged characters are my shit. I feel really bad for Neumann, I had suspicions she wasn’t actually like that since it’s sooo out of left field but I’m really glad the manga seems to know what it’s doing. I really wish we got more Kouu interactions with everyone tho.

NOW THIS. THIS IS SOME WHOLESOME STUFF. I WANT THIS. I REALLY WANT SPIN-OFF OF REALLY SAD ANIME/MANGA/STORIES WHERE ALL THE DEAD PEOPLE HANG OUT. That’s how I’m feeling about JJK and the scroll segments or BSD WAN that just came out. IT’S SO WHOLESOME TO SEE EVERYONE NOT TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER.

UGLY SOBBING IN THE CLUBBB AND KOUU AND CHARLOTTE AHHHH. I hate how this is phrased but the respect I have for Hitler?? YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD THAT IS TO TYPE?? Kitazuka is cool tho, I really like him. Some god given talent. I’m hard simping over him but I really hope we get to know more about him later.

Getting smug mona vibes, I love this.

AHHH IVE NEVER FELT THIS UPSET OVER AN APPLEEEE. I’M ACTUALLY UPSET. IF HE DIES IM ACTUALLY GOING TO CRY MY HEART OUT.

THE FAMOUS SLAP

I’M SORRY WHA- SLENDERMAN?

Oh..wow. Okay, be still my heart. When I first saw her I thought she was really pretty but now I’m absolutely smitten. God damn, can I please have some more crumbs on these characters before they die;;

AHHH SAME GIRL FUCKING SAME????? I adore these small panels and translator notes. It’s a real breather after the sad 3am hours talk these characters go through.

Yagyuu. Jesus christ. WHY ARE ALL THE DEATH SCENES IN THIS MANGA ACTUALLY SO PRETTY AND STABS ME IN THE HEART??? that’s it. goodbye. im fucking out. im actually so upset rn. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?

---

In conclusion, and I should probably re-read what the characters say and not go off on memory because I’m about to get really deep. I really like how they phrased why they wanted to stop the branch of sin. That there are people just like Toya and Haito who, if they never found the branch of sin, could still probably lead respectable and okay lives. That there was a “them” in another universe that didn’t go down that road and that they want to be in the same universe as “them”. I know this sounds really confusing if you haven’t read the manga but going back to what I said about the parallel universe stuff.

There was a universe where Toya and Haito didn’t rely on the branch of sin, that even without their talents from becoming a returner, they could still live a happy life given their own personalities and attitudes. It was kinda moving since in the beginning, Toya wanted a talent so badly and now that he has one. He’s realizing that wait, I don’t need a past life talent in order to live. Honestly, I hard relate to that because I totally agree with him. If you have a talent you can probably live a very happy and comfortable life that other factors wouldn’t matter if you just have that incredible talent. Thinking of it as a painter or artist, if you had actual god-given talent you wouldn’t need to worry about other factors since people would naturally seek that talent. So you end up comparing yourself to others and setting that limit on yourself.

But that’s okay, it’s completely natural and I’m not saying it’s horrible if you do this. Fuck, I do this all the time. I’m not saying the manga is changing my life but it’s kind of refreshing that it get’s talked about since other adaptations of this just make the character super OP. I understand wanting to have that incredible talent, fuck who doesn’t? but you don’t need it in order to live earnestly in the bigger picture sense. Not everything you do has to be productive and honestly, learning to be okay with having fun is nice. Just being okay with who you are right now, even if it isn’t perfect in your eyes, you still have time to build upon yourself and your own talents but doing it for yourself.

But I probably missed the point and I’m going way to deep haha. But I really enjoyed reading this and thank you once again to okita anon for the recommendation^^ I always love everything you send me and I’ll start reading the next one. If anyone else has any recommendations let me know!

#WOW WHAT A FUCKING TRAIN RIDE #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #ALRIGHT TIME TO GO CRY MY HEART OUT #JESUS THIS ACTUALLY SO BEAUTIFUL???#PLEAE PLEASE PLEASE READ IT #IK THE BEGINNING MIGHT SEEM A BIT WEIRD WITH SO MUCH INFORMATION THROWN AT YOU BUT DO IT #IT GETS SOOOO GOOD LATER #ITS GETTING SO GOOD RN BUT I NEED TO WAIT FOR UPDATES #OKITA ANON YOU ARE SUCH AN MVP FUCK I LOVE IT #BUT YOURE ALSO KILLING ME #super duper fucking i love you i actually love you mwha #okita anon #lovely anon #anon ask #reincarnation no kaben

9 notes · View notes

freckliephil · 5 years

Note

is it ok to not be able to get rid of a small fear of dnp revealing they’re single/dating other people soon. like i /want/ to be positive but i’ve been rooting for them for so long that i’ll probably just be a little heartbroken if they’re not together anymore. i know people don’t like breakup discourse and i don’t want to fuel that, just want to talk about the one fear i can’t get rid of even though i’m trying not to be too emotionally invested.

i get the fear, i really do. its kinda like how dan mentioned in his video: people get invested in the story of their lives, but at the end of the day they're real people. they could metaphorically pull the rug from under us any day, and then this whole thing falls apart and we're left with a miserable toxic fandom and a bad taste in our mouth. ive been there. when 1d split, when glee started turning into a shitshow, when supernatural got renewed for an 8th season, ect ect. it sucks, its a bad feeling to lose something you really had stake in, especially when it comes as a shock.

the thing is, fear is one thing. fear will be there any time you're in fandom bc it's something you can't control and its a community a lot of people count on, so the thought that that could dissapear is scary. but this fear can't be the lens you observe from, and especially with dan and phil, because they haven't given us any reason to be afraid of them.

i was talking about this with @freckliedan -- a couple months ago, den and i were talking about how the way they've been acting for the past year has been leading up to something big (go back and watch the christmas liveshow that came right before hiatus, they gave us SO many hints). and now think about how toxic fandom got between these last few months, and how everyone was losing trust for no reason (dan kept saying he was coming back, they NEVER implied the gaming channel was done, they've repeatedly said that they love working together and nothing was changing in a bad way. they've been preparing us for this coming out for a whole year). people got mad, sad, afraid, and ripped each other apart for even dreaming a positive outcome such as the one they just gave us. i remember bc i was one of the people saying "hey occam's razor- maybe they're coming out?" and people genuinely ran me off tumblr for even saying that.

they came out together, two weeks apart. dan called phil his soulmate. the part in basically i'm gay where he talks about phil is genuinely one of the most romantic and soft things i've ever heard. they're going to pride and vidcon and vegas together, they've both been so supportive over the other's work, and they've taken every single step together in this process. do yourself a favor and go back and watch any video from 2018 and tell me it doesn't watch the same as, say, a jenna and julien vid, or any other youtube couple. they're together, they're happy, and they don't need to kiss on screen or explicitly tell us every detail of their relationship for us to trust them. the most obvious answer is that they're both gay and have been together the whole time. dan basically told us that with his words (if you don't overanalyze everything out of fear), and they've been telling us with their actions for years. they always choose each other. they're together in everything. they're partners.

and to just give u some comfort, think about the dan and phil we just met in "basically im gay" and "coming out to you", and think about the dan and phil we've known for years. when have they ever, ever, ever pulled the rug out from under us in a bad way? dan and phil going separate ways or saying they're not together, after literally all this, would be the biggest shock in the world to me, which is why i know its probably not going to happen. they love us, like, a lot, and this isn't a drama tv show where breakups and stuff like that are just fun little character development opportunities. they know we care about them and look up to their relationship, and if that wasn't something they were going to highlight in their content anymore, they wouldn't be sneaky about it. they wouldn't make promises like bringing back the gaming channel or yearly mukbangs or continuing baking vids if they didn't plan to. they've always been so very good to us, and i highly doubt that they both went through all the work of coming out to millions of people on the internet just so that they can stop doing that.

#u gotta trust them #thats my take #asks #anon

153 notes · View notes

bluejaysgonerogue · 4 years

Text

I’m Sorry PT.2-Stucky x Reader

Read first part first!

Warning; Mentions of S***ide, cutting, extreme depression,

Pt.1 Pt.2 Pt.3

Please, dive in.

—

I stop shading the background of a picture, looking up at the New York City Lights.

If you need me

Wanna see me

You better hurry

Cause I'm leaving soon

Sorry can't Save me now

Sorry I don't know how

Sorry there's no way out

But down

Mmm

Down

I skip the song, not wanting to think of jumping off this roof. I made them a promise, and I will keep that promise even if they hate me for it.

Promise us you won't ever die because you don't have us with you.

They had said those words with such seriousness as they sat with me on stools at the island. I had nodded my head, agree and telling them the same before we all kissed.

It's not true

Tell me I've been lied to

Crying isn't like you

Oh-oh-oh

I let a single tear fall down my cheek as I think of the pained looks they gave me. The first day I stopped sleeping with them, they looked so sad the next morning. When Steve had gone to pour my tea, he had found I had already finished the job. And added the cream Bucky usually drops in.

What the hell did I do?

Never been the type to

Let someone see right through

Oh-oh-oh

I had wiggled out of their passionate hugs from behind, shrugged off their shoulder kisses. I stopped going to dinner, lunch and breakfast, residing with tony in his lab. Steve and Bucky took turns dropping off food, but I eventually stopped eating

Maybe won't you take it back

Say you were tryna make me laugh

And nothing has to change today

You didn't mean to say "I love you"

I love you and I don't want to

They had confronted me a week after I left their room, asking me what was wrong and cupping my face and kissing my head and face. I told them I had rethought a lot since I had died and that I wanted to play the field. So, after they had started to leave me alone, I'd go to bars and hookup and date people. They didn't matter- just greedy people who wanted the chance to be in Stark Tower with the Avengers. Hell, one idiot even tried to steal nats underwear, and he didn't leave without a limp and a dislocated shoulder.

Oh-oh-oh

Up all night on another red eye

I wish we never learned to fly

high

I had gone to LA for a few weeks, meeting youtubers who wanted to feature me in their videos. I dated a guy for a hot minute, posting only one video with him. We had gotten this idea to reenact cute couple photos. We did, he edited it and posted. I stalked the comments from my hotel room, seeing that the YouTube account Steve and Bucky had set up had commented a few paragraphs. The guys fans got really toxic and hated on stucky, some calling them fags. Ugh. I hate that word so much.

Maybe we should just try

To tell ourselves a good lie

I didn't mean to make you cry

In the airport, after my flight, tony had Happy drive me back. I, Of course, didn't know that Steve and Bucky we're having meltdowns in the back of the car. After about ten minutes, I practically forced happy to pull over and let me sit in the passenger seat up front. We had sat in silence as we listened to the sobs of my exes.

"Yknow, tony told me they had been crying the whole time you were gone." Happy had said when we were on a less crowded freeway.

“I know." I had said, while giving a blank stare out the window.

"Could you maybe-just maybe- try forgiving them? All they want is you kid."

"I know."

"Look, you don't get love like that. It's once in a lifetime sorta thing. You gotta stick with it when you got it, because you never know when you're going to loose them."

"Happy, look, I'm just in the way of their relationship. Once they get over it, I know they will be happier without me, eventually." I give him the first reason why I'm doing this.

"Okay kid. Okay."

Maybe won't you take it back

Say you were tryna make me laugh

And nothing has to change today

You didn't mean to say "I love you"

I love you and I don't want to

Bucky and I had to spar for fury. The man had us in minimal clothing for some goddamn reason. And we all know how hot Bucky is with no top on. So of course I let it slip.

“Heya Moss." Bucky called me by my last name, something he'd never done before.

"Hello Barnes." I usually called him Sarge or James. But never before has I called him Barnes. He looked pained, like a kicked puppy. I know I shouldn't've fallen for it, but I did.

"God I love you so much." I gave him a hug before realizing what I was going. I quickly pushed myself away, rushing out of the gym, out of the shield base, and out of New York. I took a plane out to Columbus Ohio for a change in scenery. Went and saw some local bands, ate some of the best Chinese ever, and had a lot of one night stands.

The smile that you gave me

Even when you felt like dying

We fall apart as it gets dark

I'm in your arms in Central Park

There's nothing you could do or say

I can't escape the way, I love you

I don't want to, but I love you

When I came back to the tower, Natasha had actually ambushed me with hugs. She held me close and pulled me towards Steve and Bucky's Room.

In fact, that's where I am right now. Standing outside their door with Natasha's arm around my shoulder. She knocks, getting a weak 'go away' in response.

"Cmon, Ash. Say something. Sing something, just do something. They've been doing horribly. They stopped eating when Bucky came back full out bawling and in tears after the sparring incident. The team doesn't know why you started avoiding those two. We all know how close you guys are. Please ash they've been more miserable than I was after Clint." She stops for a moment. A vow she took to take a moment of silence after saying his name. "Please Ash. Say something to them. You're the only one they'll open the door to."

I look at her, a dumbfounded expression on my face.

"Nat, it's been three and a half months. They should be over me."

"Well, they aren't."

"Natasha, I don't deserve those angels. They're literal human gods. They're the perfect two people to be together. They're so compatible it's unbelievable. I throw that off nat. I throw off their relationship Becuase they feel like they can't just give each other attention, they have to give me attention too. Nat, I love those shïtheads more than I love the team. But, I hold them back. So I let them go. Natasha, it's 4 am, I just got away from some creepo who tried to take my uterus. I am not in the mood to deal with two crying men. Especially not the only two who I would actually cry for. So please, tell everyone to stop circling me in and let me go to my room." By now, all of the avengers, save tony, bucky, Steve and of course nat, has formed a circle around the door and me, all in full armor. Hell, Loki had created some fücking forcefield or something to keep me unable to go anywhere aside from inside that door.

"Ash, you have to pull your big girl panties up and admit that they can't function without you."

"They did just fine for a few months." I retort, staring Wanda and Natasha down.

"Loki, can your just pull them out? Or put her in there butt naked? Please?" Sam looks bored at this point, determined to get away from here and back onto his couch.

"Woah woah woah, no way in hell that is going to happen." I sigh, finally realizing they've cornered me. "Damn you guys are evil."

I turn to the door, putting my fingers on the glossy paint of the door. i let it rest there for a while, tears threatening to fall down my face as my lip trembles.

"Say something I'm giving up on you. I'll be the one if you want me to. Anywhere I would've followed you." I finally let the tears fall, choking me as I sing the song they should be singing.

"Say something in giving up on you." I wait a second before continuing. "And I. Am feeling so small. It was over my head. I feel nothing at all."

I lean my forehead against the door, my breath fogging up the paint. "And I. Will stumble and fall. I'm still learning to love. Just starting to crawl." I really was new to love. They were my first real relationship, of course.

"Say something im giving up on you. I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. Anywhere I would've followed you. Say something im giving up on you." Instead of the strong voices used in the recording, I use my head voice, softly as it cracks with my sobs.

"And I. Will swallow my pride. You're the ones that I love. But I'm saying goodbye." I fall to my knees, feeling the eyes of my teammates burning a hole in the door.

"Say something, I'm giving up on you. And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. And anywhere, I would have followed you. oh say something, I'm giving up on you" I'm starting to give up on them. Maybe they won't forgive me. Honestly, I wouldn't blame them if they never did. I'm a horrible person for what I did to them.

"Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something" I just collapse against the door, my back and head falling against it. I cry, looking up at the grey ceiling. I stop singing, talking softly now. I know that if they tried, they could hear me. "Say something"

"I'm so sorry. God I'm such a mess. I miss you guys. So much. I miss cuddling, I miss talking. I miss sleeping in between you two. I miss making you guys breakfast in bed in the rare occasion you guys weren't up before me. God I'm such a goddamned idiot. I'm so new to love. God, I've never let myself get this close to anyone before you two came along and crashed my party of one. God, I miss you two. So, so, so much. Y'know, Happy told me that you guys were miserable. God I'm so sorry I left you in the car. That should've done it. But it didn't. Because I'm the fücking idiot that I am and I took you two angels for granted." I pause, turning my torso to rest my hand on the doorframe. "God, I miss curling up in your tops, snuggling into your sweaters when I'm sick. I actually miss the empty feeling when you two are both gone on missions without me. I miss climbing into our closet and sitting on the floor between your clothes. I miss the sandalwood smell I get when Steve's been gone, and I miss the smell of cedar that becomes potent when Bucky gone alone. I miss everything about you guys and I don't know how I'm still alive and here. I don't know why I haven't just jumped off the roof of this tower."

That's when it happens. The door flips open and my head is caught by a warm lap. I am pulled inside the dark, musty smelling room, the door slammed after I'm inside. I look at the guy who's lap I fell in, only to not recognize him.

"Who are you?" I ask after a quick look at his face. He has long, long deep blonde hair and an unkept and unforgettably long beard. His eyes are a dull blue, and his face is tear stained. I look around his neck, breathing in his scent. "Cedar... Wait Steve?" I look at him. He looks like shït. And he's just staring at me with a blank expression.

"Oh my god Steve are you okay? Have you even gotten up lately? Why are your eyes so dull, why'd you grow your beard out so long? Why haven't you cut your hair? Where's Bucky?" I ambush him with questions as I look his face over, taking it inbetween my hands and moving it around so I can inspect him.

"Wait Steve why are you wearing long-" I pause for a moment, realizing what I'm saying. "Oh my god Steve no. God no. Please god please please please no tell me you didn't." He doesn't say anything, but the slight movement in his face tells me everything.

"Shit." I takes me a split second to trip his sleeves up, seeing the scars and lines of dried blood. They're deep, but healing well thanks to that serum. "You idiot. If it weren't for that serum you'd be dead and I couldn't yell at you for being so stupid. I mean, Nomad you at least took care of himself. Why'd you do that Steve? Why did you start-" I stop again, already knowing the answer. "Oh god I hate myself so much right now. What the hell is wrong with me. I can't even make up for the shit I've caused you. Damn I'm such a mess. Going around town and keeping beds warm. God I missed you Steve. I'm so sorry I'm such an idiot for leaving you two. I'm such a goddamned blind dense idiot-"

He cuts me off, pulling me to his chest and kissing my forehead. I let him sit there for a second, sighing as I finally feel at home. And then I remember.

"Bucky." I get up off of Steve, searching around the room for the brunette. My eyes sift through the piles of dirty clothes littering the floor. I rake through the closet before my eyes land on the bed.

"Dear god." I see him, gauze on his arm. He's collapsed in the bed, a pillow underneath his head and a blanket tucked around him. I rush over, jumping into the bed and inspecting him.

His arm is wrapped in bandages, his metallic arm slightly corroded. His eyes are staring at the ceiling, his mouth slightly ajar. "Steve?" He asks, low and slow. I let more tears fall from my eyes as I place my hand over his, lifting it to my lips.

"Oh god buck... I'm so sorry... I'm so, so, so, so sorry. God I'm such a fück up. I always leave you guys behind, letting you watch me from behind. What did I ever do to deserve you two... because I honestly don't. You two are angels in every way, and I'm the personification of hell... god Bucky why'd you do this..." his cuts are deeper than Steve's, almost to the bone. Most are healed over, the only fresh one on his upper bicep.

"Ash?" He asks, still not looking over. I let out a small cry, holding the back of his hand to my forehead. He moves his hand down, letting it rest on my cheek.

"Yeah baby?" He uses his hand to guide me above him. I can't stop the tears, hearing them hit the fabric as he moved me above him. His eyes are dull, blank, lifeless as they stare up at me. There's a small spark once his eyes focus, hope, before it fade away again.

"Is it really you this time?" He mutters, just loud enough for me to hear.

"Yeah. It's me. I promise buck. I promise I'm back home sarge. And I promise I'm never going to leave you two again." I give his forehead a light kiss before hugging him, my nose finding the crook of his neck. I feel Steve come and lay behind me, putting an arm around my waist lightly.

"Good." Bucky turns on his side facing me, his fleshy warm arm finding its way behind my lower back, pulling me closer to him. Steve shifts forward, placing a sweet kiss on my neck. Bucky pecks my lips before closing his eyes. After a few minutes I hear him and Steve lightly snoring. I open my eyes to see Bucky looking peaceful for, which I would later find out, the first time in a long time.

|—☆—|

I wake up, a soft light seeping in through the curtains. I try to roll over, only to be stopped by two pairs of hands.

"Oh no, you're staying right here." Bucky's husky morning voice breaks the silence as I huff back down onto the covers. He smiles, his sunken eyes and pale face making me frown slightly.

I pull Bucky closer to me, Steve groaning slightly at more movement. "Go back to sleep babe..." he mumbles, pulling me closer to his chest.

"How can I? You two are too cute to miss a second of taking in those features." I smile as I brush my fingers over his beard. I kiss his forehead, smiling before turning to Bucky.

"Wait... how come Buck doesn't have a beard?" I ask, brushing my fingers along his stubble. He looks me in the eyes, a warm, comforting feeling falling over me.

"I remembered how you said you like me clean shaven... so I shave." He says, a smirk on his face as he scoots closer to me and Steve.

"Ok mister crowd pleaser." I give him a quick kiss, nestling myself closer to him and Steve.

|—☆—|

It took us literally until 1 in the afternoon to want to get up.

Steve has left first, going to the bathroom and taking a shower. Bucky followed close behind, then I joined him the the shower and helped him wash his hair. They had already gotten dressed in simple jeans and T-shirt's, now cleaning up some of the messes they made.

I look down at myself. I'm wearing a pair of black cotton leggings, converse, yet I have no top on. Then it hits me. 'Bucky's sweaters!' I walk over to the dresser, reaching down to open the sweater drawer before I suddenly stop.

"Maybe they don't want me to wear them right now..." I breathe out, letting my hand fall by my side. I mean, I did leave them. And return their sweaters. I mean, I know that they used to love me in them, and I love wearing them becuase they smell like Steeb and buck, but may-

"Go on ash." Bucky's smooth voice rings throughout the room, interrupting my inner conflict.

I freeze for a second, suddenly having difficulty breathing at the same rate. I slowly turn around, letting my head fall to the side as my face contorts into a confused jumble of anxiety and fear.

"Wha...?" I let the word slip out of my mouth, my breathing hitching.

"Go on doll. Take a sweater or two." He smiles, using the pet name he gave me when we first met.

I stand, my arms against the bar as I look out into the ensemble of people. A man with brown hair, with strikingly blue eyes sits next to me, getting a beer from the bartender.

"Hello doll. Why are you alone on such a night?" He asks, a small smirk gracing his angelic features.

"Well, some boys cheat and don't cover it up too well." I say, looking out around the crowd before watching my ex, Conrad, dancing with some blonde chick in a skimpy dress.

After a second, the man breaks the comfortable silence. "Ah, so he's a disloyal idiot then."

I turn my head to him, tilting my head to the side and back as my eyebrows furrow together. "I beg your pardon?"

"Well, doll, any guy who get with you should stay loyal no matter what." He smiles as he sips his beer. "You're cute, and I can tell your Smart, witty, and filled with some sort of fire inside you."

"Well, it's nice to meet you sir. Names Ash. Ashlynd Moss." I smile, extending a hand to him.

"Well, it's nice to meet you Ash. I'm James." A metal arm reaches out to bring my hand up to his lips. I look at the small amount of the arm that is exposed, infatuated with the intricacy of it- even from a distance. He pulls his hand away quickly, moving it behind his back. "I-I'm sorry about that..."

"No no no, please it's nothing. In fact," I use my left hand to break the seal of the silicone on my hand. I pull the rubbery material off, sliding off the sleeve aswell. "I know exactly how you feel." I let my metallic Vibranium appendage shine between us. (It starts in the middle of the lower half of her arm)

"Wow, that's beautiful doll."

I smile at Bucky, turning and opening the drawer. I take out his biggest, fluffiest blue and red sweater, pulling it on. The neckline falls off my shoulder and the hem is at my mid thigh, but I love it.

"Thank you James." I smile, raising the sleeve to my nose to let the sandalwood invade my lungs. I go over and sit between Steve and Bucky, leaning my head on Steve shoulder.

We sit in silence for a while, just looking at each other and kissing lightly. I stare down at my right hand for a while, contemplating if I should take off the cover or not.

"Oh fuck it." I say internally, egging myself on. I push up on the latex, breaking the seal. My hand pulls at each of the fingers, breaking the suction between the metal the the fleshy material. I pull lightly on the bottom of the sleeve before pushing it down from above.

"Ash, why?" Steve mutters, both his and Bucky's eyes burning into my back.

"Because, I except you guys fully for who you are, and you do the same, then why should I have to hide this huge part of myself?" I turn around and look at him and Bucky. I give them a small smile, getting big goofy ones in return.

"It isn't a huge part of you ash." Steve says, nuzzling into my neck.

"Steve, I lost a third of my arm. That's a huge part of me." I roll my eyes, kissing the top of his head.

"Physically, Maybe it's a huge part of you, but emotionally? No. It's not a part of who you are Ashlynd. It's something that made you who are today.

"Steve, I lost my arm to a red room newbie. That's despicable. I had finished the graduation ceremony, and the kid came up, broke my bone clean and ripped the flesh off." I look down at the fingers. Flexing them in and out.

"Maybe that did happen doll, but it doesn't mean anything." Bucky kisses my cheek. "You're still the best girl out there."

"So you're saying I can't beat you or clint?" I smile quietly as I say these words, leaning away from Steve to look Bucky in the eye.

“No." Bucky takes my metal hand in his, stroking it lightly. "But I am saying you're better than Natasha. At least."

4 notes · View notes

fisherfurbearer · 4 years

Text

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

#jjst...ffeels like shes violating somethingg #and treating me a LOT like how my abusive mother used to treat me #why are you CRYING? you cant be trying here. this is a BUSINESS.#is a lot like Why Do You look so MISERABLE all the time?? why are you CRYING??#and shit like IGNORING ME when i try to change my hours #straight up ignoring me #she basically made it clear shed rather me QUIT than fuckingg chop 2 hours off my AVAILABILITY #ITS SO FRUSTRATING #AND SHES SUCH A HYPROCRITE #scheduled 7-2 every sunday!!#yet you cant change my availability to 7-7??#you NEED ot keep it until 9???#but working until 9 and getting home around 10 and getting no sleep because i need to take care of my pets and myself #and get up at 5:30 the next morning for work at 7 #WHEN THAT COULD EASILY BE ALTERED BY CHIPPING A COUPLE HOURS OFF MY AVAILABILITY #AND MY DOCTOR ALSO THINKS I NEED TO CHANGE IT TOO #BUT WHO FUCKING CARES RIGHT ITS A BU S I N E S S #SURE SURE BUT WHEN A CUSTOMER FLIPS THE SIGN ON A $7.94 SHIRT #TO SAY 0.94 CENTS #WITH THE CENTS SIGN!!!!#THEN I HA V E TO HONOR IT #THATS A+ BUSINESS RIGHT THERE #BITCH DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO APPROVE A COUPON ON SLEF CHECKOUT!!!!#AND OUR FRICKING STORE MAANGER MAKES TRIPLE FIGURES!!!#BUT NO ONE FUCKINGG CARES #NO ONE FUCKING CARES #I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMOREE #id dont want to have to lose my job and stability over this one person #but this isntt...ok #i shouldnt have to go to work and deal with MORE emotional abuse

4 notes · View notes

unpleasant-aroma · 5 years

Text

Like Father, Like Daughter...

Summary: Moria feels hate for someone she once considered her first love. Oscar is attempting to mourn. Moria takes out her anger in a less than Christian way

(warning: abuse mention, suicide mention, homophobia mention, and a sorta in-depth description of someone getting beaten up)

(( @birdhouse-in-thesoul & @a-smile-dat-spreads-like-buttah . Y’all are getting tagged for two different reasons, but y’all are not. Getting tagged ))

[[MORE]]

It rained the day Jason was buried. That was fitting enough, when the deceased’s lover, his sister, nor one of his good friends cried. Nadia and Oscar were both attempting to hold in tears, but for different reasons, but Moria couldn’t find it in her to cry. Her sadness was mixed with anger, leaving her sorrow as dry and scorching as the desert. She scared herself like this... but upon losing someone who she looked at like a second brother, could she really be blamed? Could she be blamed from the anger she held in her heart for the one who caused the chain of events that lead to this death.

And not even a month ago, she peeked around corners to see him and blushed whenever he spoke to her. A school girl in love.

As soon as the graveside service had ended, Moria excused herself, needing to catch her breath. She went beyond the cemetery, beyond the church, to the school. Most would think she was going back to her dorm to get something or change or freshen up... but no. She went to the room her brother and Jason had shared, opening the door with the key she’d been given what felt like so so long ago... maybe it was rude to rifle through her late never-will-be her brother-in-law’s things... but she needed to think of him... she needed to think of the good to distract herself from the hate in her heart.

How horribly selfish... a boy was dead and she was thinking of the one who killed him.

“What are you doing in here?” A familiar voice asked, and the flames of hate were stoked again. Her black skirt whipped around her legs as she turned around to face Matt Lloyd.

“I have a key. You’re trespassin’,” she growled, stepping closer to him, squaring up to him. “Matt, if ya care a shred ‘bout self preservation, ya gonna get outta here.”

“Moria, I’m sorry. I wish that—.”

“Wishes ain’t gonna bring ‘im back! Wishes don’ change tha fact that he killed his’self ‘cause’a you an’ ya damn pride!” She cut him off, shouting at him. “Ya know who ya remind me of? My fathah. Selfish. So fuckin’ selfish. Ya only care ‘bout yaself!”

“Moria, calm down! Yelling at me isn’t going to bring him back either!” He said defensively, raising his hands, palms facing her. “I know I hurt Nadia. I know I hurt you and your brother. And I feel—.”

Once again she cut him off, but this time by smacking him hard across the face.

“Shut up, ya fuckin’ Bible beatah! Call my bruddah an’ his boyfriend such horrible things, an’ out them ta tha whole school an’ now ya sorry?! Ya don’ even know than meanin’ of tha word!” She snapped, taking another step towards him as he backed away. “I’ll make ya fuckin’ sorry...”

Her fist made impact with his jaw seconds later. And then again after than. His nose. His cheek. An uppercut. A punch to the gut. A punch to the diaphragm to wind him. Over and over her hits landed on her confused and defenseless target. She was yelling in Gaelic all the while, her comments derogatory and cruel. Whenever someone hurt her, Oscar came running and made them pay. Oscar nearly followed in Jason’s footsteps... he was hurting like crazy. So, it was Moria’s turn.

“I loved you! Ya hear me?! I loved you! And I still fuckin’ do. I love ya despite those fucked up things ya did, somehow. I love ya!”

Matt was trying to talk sense into her, bargaining with her to stop, but she could hardly hear him. She once envied Ivy for having him when she wanted him. She wanted nothing more than to kiss him... and she still felt that. And that’s what hurt. She didn’t stop. Not when there was blood on his face and on her knuckles... only once he hit his head against the wall from a particularly hard punch, slumping against the ground, certainly alive but knocked out pretty good.

Coming to her senses, she fled the room, leaving Matt’s crumpled form to be found by someone else eventually. She ran to the nearest restroom to was the blood of her hands. She told him she loved him while trying to bust open his skull... how fucking horrible was that? It sounded like her father... that thought made her stomach churn. But she always knew she had her father’s temper...

He bragged about it while drunk. His Irish wife had died, and not all that long after, Thomas went out and killed an Irishman. Caught in grief and anger, he turned it on someone fairly innocent in the long run. Someone who didn’t deserve that pain he put them through. But he just kept going and going... until there was nothing more than a battered empty shell. It hadn’t been anything he planned, but “good riddance”, he always said.

In grief, she beat a boy. Someone she once considered a friend, an almost-lover. Hell, if Oscar had died the night of the play, Moria may have finished the job and put Matt in his grave too. History was repeating itself. Her father had always said that she and Oscar were like him, even if they didn’t want to admit it; they’d supposedly find out one day... and today, Moria found out. She was her father’s daughter, despite all her best intentions to remain kind unless provoked. She was violent and cruel... beating someone she claimed to love. She was as much a monster as he. And she had been disgusted with Matt’s behavior...

The water had been on, but Moria hadn’t put her bloodied hands under it. And now, there was more important issues. She ran into one of the stalls, collapsing in tears once she got there. She was, quite literally, sick from what she had done

#fanfic #muse: moria #v; modern #abuse tw #violence tw #suicide tw #mobile #((i feel awful about how friggin long this is))#((but my brain just WOULDNT STOP until it was written))#((it probably couldve been even longer))

3 notes · View notes

rhiezus · 5 years

Text

Reputation As Our Ships

Ready For It?

For starters, this album takes a heavy road into Julie and Valak’s relationship that came out of the blue between us one night, exactly like they are. However, I had to admit the first time I was listening to this song I thought about Zeev and Eleanor, but well, I might just have been crazy or a little right, who knows? Anyways is totally Julie and Valak, even the music video, there is something about the song... The strong bass and stuff, it’s uGH tHEm!

“ I, I, I see how this is gon' go Touch me and you'll never be alone I-Island breeze and lights down low No one has to know [...]”

The “no one has to know” part. Also this description from genius: “Touch me, and you’ll never be alone” might be in reference to the trappings of Taylor’s fame; the paparazzi follow her everywhere, so they would inevitably follow her boyfriend, too. Talk about dispatch, am I right?

“In the middle of the night, in my dreams You should see the things we do, baby In the middle of the night in my dreams I know I'm gonna be with you, so I take my time”

I love how genius mention that she talks about sex for the most part of this song, which recalls the fact that Julie and Valak relationship was built through her losing her virginity with him. The part when she sings “let the games begin”, it was like Julie knew it was a whole puzzle but she did it anyway because she was looking for an excuse not expecting that Valak would become much more than it one day. Also, the “i know im gonna be with you, so i take my time”, is truly the feeling which leads them to get marry, they just knew they would be together, so why waste time?

End Game

Who we kidding? We all know this is Linlin and Mingyu, again it has something to do with the vibe of the song too. Like there is she singing and then a bunch of rappers... UgH! Please ONG concerts give a collab May-b rapping line feat Xiulin with this song so I can die happy. aNYwAYs, my mind was also associating this song to Nayoung and Keun, am I crazy? Maybe? No? It’s lyrics time to tell that.

“We do the most, I'm in the Ghost like I'm whippin’ a boat I got a reputation, girl that don't precede me (Yeah) I'm one call away whenever you need me (Yeah) I'm in a G5 (Yeah), come to the A-Side (Yeah)”

The “one call away” kind of guy from Samara.

“I don’t wanna hurt you, I just wanna be Drinking on a beach with you all over me I know what they all say (I know what they all say) But I ain't tryna play”

Literally dying from the “beach” part because both Mingyu and Keun are from Jeju.

“Even when we’d argue, we'd not do it for long And you understand the good and bad end up in the song For all your beautiful traits, and the way you do it with ease For all my flaws, paranoia, and insecurities”

Oh my god, this song just couldn’t get any worse... “end up in the song”.

I Did Something Bad

Okay, hold up. This is Chihye. I could say Julie too because all of the drama, but honestly, is Chihye she has her fair load of bad stuff she did and I don’t see her as the type who regrets any of it, so this title is hers.

“They say I did something bad Then why's it feel so good? They say I did something bad But why's it feel so good? Most fun I ever had And I'd do it over and over and over again if I could It just felt so good, good”

Literally, no remorse and it can sound bad to think of my character that way but honestly, she is just messed up in the head, so... Whatever.

“This is how the world works You gotta leave before you get left”

I mean... Shut up.

Don’t Blame Me

Haha, this one is for you Hansol and Chan-u. I just couldn’t think of anyone else though, it has something to do with the vibe of the song again... I mean, these two have a little trouble in the head mostly *read chihye hansol’s mom above rs* and well, dead parents... So, just a little bit of affection is enough to crack their heads, so, this is to those dark times.

“Don't blame me, love made me crazy If it doesn't, you ain't doin' it right Lord, save me, my drug is my baby I'll be usin' for the rest of my life”

Am I right? Wait up there is more:

“And baby, for you, I would fall from grace Just to touch your face If you walk away, I'd beg you on my knees to stay”

Okay, genius doesn’t say anything about this but since they both gay I’m taking the hint that “beg you on my knees” could be a reference to oral sex, k? Leave me alone to think about it.

“I get so high, oh! Every time you're, every time you're lovin' me You're lovin' me Trip of my life, oh! [...]”

The “so high”, oh jesus. Also the part when she says “I once was poison ivy, but now I'm your daisy” sounds so much like a Hansol lyrics because he is always talking about flowers and relationships *see fresh roses*.

Delicate

Okay, hear me out... I never in a million years expected this ship that just came to my mind, like never and I listened to this song like a dozen times (actually 29 according to lastfm, but before i had a lastfm i would listen in youtube so... a dozen), but I just thought that the vibe and the lyrics... Sounds so much like Jinah and Bokyum. And what is shooking is that it’s also another total random ship... Ruy and Hai. Listen up:

“This ain't for the best My reputation's never been worse, so You must like me for me… We can't make Any promises now, can we, babe? But you can make me a drink”

First, for Jinah is totally about her reputation of being a prostitute ha, it’s like, she never really had a real relationship for real before Bokyum and she takes her time with her feelings after Jeju. And in the other hand, Ruy is just madly in love with Hai but he can’t bear to say it because it will scare him away so... Both delicate.

“Dive bar on the East Side, where you at? Phone lights up my nightstand in the black Come here, you can meet me in the back Dark jeans and your Nikes, look at you”

Starting with Jinah and Bokyum, in my mind when they first hooked up in Jeju they went to this lowkey bar by a corner next to the beach... And that’s when it all happened. But for the most part, this is straight-up Ruy and Hai’s relationship so it’s even sad to read it twice, jeez.

“Sometimes I wonder when you sleep Are you ever dreaming of me? Sometimes when I look into your eyes I pretend you're mine, all the damn time 'Cause I like you”

Yeah, this part is just straight up Ruy to Hai.

“Is it cool that I said all that? Is it chill that you're in my head? 'Cause I know that it's delicate (Delicate) (Yeah, I want you)”

Last one, read the genius: Taylor uses repetition and questions throughout the chorus to show how anxious she is at the beginning of this relationship. Getting romantically involved with someone can be tough because sometimes one may not know where the other stands, hence why Taylor describes this phase as “delicate.” So yeah.

Look What You Made Me Do

I can’t think of anyone else for this song other then Haneul, but as a joke not like a literal disses to someone other than herself, you know? Because no one of my characters literally changed so much because of something someone did to them, other than, well Chihye and Haneul... What a weird flex. But Haneul was more like “wide awake” than actual bad like Chihye, so it’s hard to tell. Yeah, I don’t know, don’t really have anything else for this song.

"I'm sorry, the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now "Why? Oh, 'cause she's dead!" (Oh)

This is just definitely Haneul, because: I needed to grow up in many ways. I needed to make boundaries, to figure out what was mine and what was the public’s. That old version of me that shares unfailingly and unblinkingly with a world that is probably not fit to be shared with? I think that’s gone. But it was definitely just, like, a fun moment in the studio with me and Jack [Antonoff] where I wanted to play on the idea of a phone call.

So It Goes...

I don’t really like this song, so whatever. Can’t think of anyone for it.

Gorgeous

I just can’t this is literally the song that made Jinhyung and Kyungri, I die every time because there isn’t a lyric from this that is just not them.

“You should take it as a compliment That I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk You should think about the consequence Of your magnetic field being a little too strong”

I’m going to take reference from your own “type of girlfriend: Kyungri”, she literally takes pride into making fun of Jinhyung and it’s a good thing it means she is into him in a way she can’t explain. That’s literally how they happened.

“You make me so happy it turns back to sad There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have And you are so gorgeous it makes me so mad”

I listened to this song like thousand times just because of them at the time, which is funny ‘cause know sometimes we forgot who birthed the relationships for the new romantics... It’s only a few months old but whenever I think of them there is this sweet nostalgia, it’s really funny.

Getaway Car

This song is for both cheaters: Chihye and Julie. They are very much referenced in this album, but it’s not my fault Taylor Swift did a whole album about such screwed up love. This song became one of my favorites once I realized it’s about a love triangle, where is trying to get away from her past relationship to be with the guy she actually likes without cheating on him but inevitably doing it. Does it ring a bell yet?

“It was the best of times, the worst of crimes I struck a match and blew your mind But I didn't mean it And you didn’t see it [...] I wanted to leave him I needed a reason”

Talking about Chihye and Lian, all the time she was with Pyongho it was just because he was doing her a favor and she wanted someone to want her back. But when Lian came back, it was useless so she was just ready to leave everything behind and run away with him like it was meant to be. In the hand, Julie really cherished Kaili but her mind was somewhere else: her career and the fact that it wasn’t gonna last anyway, so she just needed a solid reason to leave him.

“It was the great escape, the prison break The light of freedom on my face But you weren't thinkin’ And I was just drinkin’ Well, he was runnin' after us, I was screamin’, "Go, go, go!" But with three of us, honey, it's a sideshow And a circus ain't a love story And now we're both sorry”

It’s funny because for me it begins talking about Chihye, Lian and Pyongho and ends up in Julie, Valak and Kaili.

“Until I switched to the other side To the other si-i-i-i-ide It's no surprise I turned you in (Oh-oh) 'Cause us traitors never win I'm in a getaway car I left you in a motel bar Put the money in a bag and I stole the keys That was the last time you ever saw me”

Now, this is just about Chihye to Lian when she finds out she pregnant of Pyongho, “us traitors never win”. So yeah, I really love this song because of it’s whole metaphor.

King Of My Heart

I had this idea that this song was Zeev and Eleanor, and don’t get me wrong it still is but right now it’s also Chang and Yehjin, a little bit. Seriously, I just know Eleanor calls Zeev things like “king of my heart” and she is totally into Taylor Swift, she is american and is from New Mexico, she might even listen to Taylor’s country albums.

“I'm perfectly fine, I live on my own I made up my mind, I'm better off bein' alone We met a few weeks ago Now you try on callin' me "Baby" like tryin' on clothes”

C’mon? I mean, it was totally like that how the chat went and their whole relationship... But this first part just also reminded me of Yehjin about Chang too, I don’t know, fight me.

“Salute to me, I'm your American queen And you move to me like I'm a Motown beat And we rule the kingdom inside my room 'Cause all the boys and their expensive cars With their Range Rovers and their Jaguars Never took me quite where you do”

IM YOUR AMERICAN QUEEN. Literally Eleanor, the fact that they had sex in like their second date and also how she never really had a boyfriend like Zeev before, who just drives her crazy by being so himself. And Yehjin mentioning she prefers Chang’s bike than the rich boys range rovers, haha.

“Late in the night, the city's asleep Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep Change my priorities The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury”

About Zeev being famous and Eleanor actually being into it because she literally just wants him to herself, “change my priorities”. And Yehjin, keeping a secret about Chang to her parents for I don’t even know how long...

Dancing With Our Hands Tied

Weird flex, okay? But my mind associated this first with Clay and Allen... Then it totally went to Linlin and Mingyu, I don’t know, something to do with the vibe. Oh, and Julie and Valak too, again, sorry.

"I, I loved you in secret First sight, yeah, we love without reason [...] My, my love had been frozen Deep blue, but you painted me golden”

It was the “love in secret” that connected these three couples in my mind, see? Here is genius about dancing with our hands tied: To have one’s hands tied is to have no control of a situation. While dancing is supposed to be a liberating form of self-expression, as well as a fun activity for friends and couples, here it represents the inability to keep their relationship away from the public eye. Taylor and her partner had their hands tied in that their relationship would eventually go public.

“And darling, you had turned my bed into a sacred oasis People started talking, putting us through our paces I knew there was no one in the world who could take it I had a bad feeling”

It’s weird because even if those three couples dated in secret, each one had a different way of coming out to the public. First, we have Clay and Allen that were “dating” in and off on the internet, until Allen moved and they actually went out but still people only found out when Clay left May-b, before I guess there was just rumors of Clay being gay or stuff like that. But Clay never really talked about relationships before leaving May-b and writing his own stuff, being his own artist. Linlin and Mingyu were this rollercoaster relationship that most people didn’t know of right at the beginning, and when they did there was always this vibe that it wasn’t going to last. And with Julie and Valak we know really well how this went, although both didn’t care much about it after it happened because it just weirdly made them be even more together.

Dress

Haha, who this? I mean it, seriously. It’s Hana and Mark, finally, one song of this album hits its peak by being theirs. But, not so fast I thought about Danbi and Daehyun too just right now. Let’s take a ride.

“All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation My hands are shaking from holding back from you All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting”

Both Hana and Danbi had big crushes from the start, both were stupid enough not to admit.

“Say my name and everything just stops I don't want you like a best friend Only bought this dress so you could take it off Carve your name into my bedpost”

Both are really furry in bed, both would totally buy a dress just to be taken off (Hana actually did and said it so). Also, both got in deep love really fast, Danbi and Daehyun even got married to prove their love, even if was later a mistake, but they meant every feeling they had. Hana, on the other hand, doesn’t ever regret how fast things happened with Mark, it was exactly how it was supposed to be.

“And I woke up just in time Now I wake up by your side My one and only, my lifeline I woke up just in time Now I wake up by your side My hands shake, I can't explain this”

Exactly what I said before *see above*.

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Another diss from Haneul. I’m kidding, ha. Also, this is Julie, 7sins and the whole drama. Also, Nayoung to the old crew with the nameless that she used to hang out with *see I Forgot That You Existed*.

Call It What You Want

Here is to another song of Eleanor and Zeev, a classic, one of the songs of them that are simply just them which makes me listen like a dozen times... However, just right now I thought about Minhye and Jukan too, it’s the vibe, listen:

“My baby's fit like a daydream Walking with his head down I'm the one he's walking to So call it what you want, yeah Call it what you want to My baby's fly like a jet stream High above the whole scene Loves me like I'm brand new ”

It’s so sweet, it’s like these two dorks really don’t care about Eleanor’s and Minhye’s screwed up past with love, you know? “loves me like i’m brand new”.

“And I know I make the same mistakes every time Bridges burn, I never learn At least I did one thing right I did one thing right I'm laughing with my lover, makin' forts under covers Trust him like a brother Yeah, you know I did one thing right Starry eyes sparkin' up my darkest night”

These two also really don’t care about the whole “keep a secret” kind of relationship, they respect their lovers because they made them better people. So they just do everything in their power to protect them just the same, even if it sounds cheesy and stupid of them, they just don’t care.

“I want to wear his initial on a chain 'round my neck Chain 'round my neck Not because he owns me But 'cause he really knows me Which is more than they can say, I I recall late November Holding my breath, slowly, I said "You don't need to save me But would you run away with me?" Yes”

This is also one of my favorite songs of this album, mainly because of this part. Like I said, both Eleanor and Minhye were screwed up’s, but with Zeev and Jukan they became better people not only to themselves but for them too... Like, for the future, you know?

Wait up, I just saw Nayoung and Keun in this song too. I hate myself.

New Year’s Day

Finally, the last one, this album is so long. This is Araki and Kayn, lol. And... Anna and Kuen. Because: The closing track on reputation uses a New Year’s party as a metaphor to discuss holding on to people and memories from both good and bad times. Taylor recognizes that when the ‘parties’ in her life are over and the ‘new year’ begins, such memories are all she will have left to hold on to and learn from. She relates a lasting love to someone who shares a midnight kiss with you on New Year’s, but who still stays with you the next morning for the aftermath of the party and begins the new year together with you.

“Don’t read the last page But I stay when you're lost, and I'm scared And you’re turning away I want your midnights But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day”

This is too sad, wait. But yeah, I can see both these ships.

“You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi I can tell that it's gonna be a long road I'll be there if you're the toast of the town, babe Or if you strike out and you're crawling home”

According to genius, squeezing someone’s hand three times means you love them or at least its like a “take care. You see, both ships here have a thing for leaving. I don’t know which road will Araki and Kayn take but this song reminds me of their relationship a lot, you know the whole after party thing? And to Anna and Kuen who had shared a long list of back and forth but that eventually got together for good after they realized they couldn’t be strangers to one another, which takes me to:

“Please don't ever become a stranger Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere Please don't ever become a stranger Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere”

So yeah, that’s the best way to end this album. With something good to think about.

#*a #pls post this tumblr

1 note · View note

heyitslapis · 6 years

Text

Ok let's see... its been about 3 weeks since i posted last, give or take a few days. And I'll just say its been an interesting and exhausting few weeks.

Still trying to completely get over my dumbf*ck feelings for Alex. I'm not really doing a super great job at that, and still get random depressive moments that last a varying amount of time, but usually i just push my pity party to the side after about 2 minutes.

On the 3rd of June, Alex went up to see part of her family and join them on a cruise to Columbia. She said wont be back until maybe the 3rd or 4th of July at the earliest. I kinda miss her, but I feel like spending a month physically apart from her will do me some good. Her and i still snap back and fourth to save our streak and to day good morning. Whenever she cant find wifi, she turns on her dad's personal hotspot so she can send me at least one snap to keep our streak rolling (we are the longest streak we have with anyone on our snapchats, and it stands currently at 261 days.) The day after she left the streak sorta died for the day, but she was able to save it cause she was in a different time zone.

Since she's been gone, we've hired several new people at work, many if which being new hosts (thank God tbh, cause this means after theyre all done training and get a couple weeks to get used to everything i can train as a server and hopefully make a little more money). One of them is Giovanni's sister (Gio is a guy that works there. Mostly does dish, sometimes hosts.) And apparently she likes me? About a week before she started they came in to eat with their mom and after they left Gio was like "Dude, i think my sister likes you."

Hey, some random girl actually has a crush on me for the first time in my life? That's cool! Right? It would be, if she weren't 17. If i were still 18 or 19, i wouldnt really care. But now that im 20, even though we only have a 2 year and almost 6 month age difference, i still feel like its weird. I feel like im in a whole new age threshold now that ive hit that 2 decade mark, and she just seems to me like a kid. Anyway, Sammy (thats her) is bi with a preference for girls. She's very forward about asking the girls at work about their sexuality (she'll be mid convo and just be like "wait; you straight?") She makes a hobby of flirting with the straight girls, because as she says it, she can easily flirt with straight girls bc she knows she wont have a chance. As soon as she knows theyre bi or gay, she cant even really talk to them. Sammy flirts with me in excess, has asked me 3 times if im straight, or if im sure that i am (homegirl has only been here like two weeks), and the reason why is because she would happily let me break her heart, and has said thats its too bad im not gay bc if i was she would let me crush her. Also has told me that i remind her of her ex girlfriend, and when i said idk if thats supposed to be a compliment or not, she said "well i really liked her, so..." Oh and btw all 3 times shes asked, I've told her im straight (yknow, bc im not out to the irl general public) and I'll just say that having to lie outloud about my sexuality does not feel that great. Thats not something ive ever had to verbally do before, and now i understand. Tbh i dont really lie, or at least i very rarely do, bc i dont like it, and i want to be seen as trustworthy. i have told my share of lies in my day, but i feel like that was in the top 3 worst lies ive ever told. Simply because i know thats not who i am, yet im saying it anyway.

Besides that, in these last couple weeks ive:

Gotten my computer hacked and almost got scamed out of the piddly $120 dollars total that is in my bank account for me to try to live off of until next Fridays paycheck, and almost got my brother's bank account hacked (looong f*ckin story. Short version, im a gotdang fool, and people are absolute bastards), so now i cant use my computer until i get it looked at, which means no art (sucks bc i wanted to draw myself a bi pride icon)

Put in 103 hours at work in the last 2 weeks

Had our only available car break down twice

Got about half of our kitchen painted. Still need to find time to finish it

Purchased tickets for a convention, and bought almost everything i need to finish my cosplay.

Have a sore in the back of my mouth thats been plaguing me for over a week (finally starting to heal. Its been hurting to do so much as talk, much less eat or drink)

Had to deal with everyone's attitudes at work (some sh*ts going on with the moon and everyones been a pissy ass lately, and im so over it)

The pain in the ass girl at work that we've been trying to get rid of for over a year called in and quit 15 minutes before her literal last shift (Father's day) and our proprietary manager told her "its bullshit that you just found out that your other job scheduled you to work today 15 minutes before you had to come here" and "dont try to come back to this store again". Im ecstatic about it tbqh and feel a small sense of victory about the whole thing.

One of my favorite gays from work had his last shift Saturday night and im still sad about it.

It may not seem like much but its just all around every other day something else small happened to add to the weird and crazy smorgasbord that is my life.

Also bless Sammy bc yesterday was Father's Day, and because of that, i was in the building of my work at 9:45am, started working to get set up at 10, opened around 10:50, and didnt stop until about 8:50pm, 10 minutes before we closed. Our proprietary manager bought us tons of pizza and snacks in the middle of our shift so that we could all take turns having a 10 minute breather, but other than that it was non-stop work and dedication to the customer. At 9:50am my brother went to the Duncan Donuts down the road from us to get the handful of morning people either coffee or bagels or whatever they asked for. I told my brother to get me the english muffin with egg and cheese, and if they had the option, to add sausage to it. Also to tell Sammy i said hi (because she works at that Duncan also, and was there yesterday morning). My brother comes back with breakfast, hands me my food and said that Sammy made it especially for me. (At that time i was also in a bad mood bc i was tired from working four open doubles in a row, and was stressed, so that really lifted my spirits a bit. The food, and the thought that someone made it especially for me.) And i'll just say she just earned my love for the next week at least.

Anyway i think thats all for now loves. I dont have a very eventful life, but i sure do have a busy one.

#my life #avatarkorvira speaks #poor sammy thinks im quote ''really cute'' and ''f*cking adorable'' and im kinda glad she thinks im straight #like her second night training with me she asked how old i was and when i said 20 she said ''damn''#then later when i asked her age (even though i alreadu knew she was 17) she refused to tell me specifically #like shed tell anyone else (including my sister) but not me #and you see at work with certain people ill be like playfully flirty with them just as one of the many ways i show friendliness #like i do it to alex and heather and marissa and molly and several others. but theyre all adults #i know for a fact sammy is a minor. so i told her im not gonna make crude or flirty jokes with her and she doesnt like that #also i just realized that i only joke flirt with girls at work #mostly thats just because im more comfortable with the gals. that and every guy there is either annoying or nasty #and i wouldnt be able to interact with them that way without them making it really gross or thinking im actually hitting on them #and if i ever truely hitting on any of the guys at work someone smack me in the back of the head bc ew #alex #sammy

4 notes · View notes

voicesbecameourstars · 6 years

Text

Slacker

I’ve become a big slacker on this blog I know 😅

So. Just a few quick updates.

1. Just a few updates on my life. In May I got a new job working at Walmart. It pays a lot more so that’s always nice. I can actually afford to buy things here and there now.

2. On June 15th I got a new puppy. She’s a pointer mix and she’s 3 months old. I got her from the shelter. She’s my pride and joy. But also a pain in my rear end. At least she’s a cute pain 😂 if you want to get up to date on her, she has her own Instagram account. Stella_the_rescue_pointer

3. Im thinking about shooting for a job with FEMA after college. After having a really intense dream where my grandfather was talking to me. It’s a field where I can incorporate my degree and my desire to help people in emergency situations. May even be able to apply my search dog handling with it to find missing people in disaster areas. Good luck to me right?😂 if you want to hear the dream I don’t mind to share it. Just let me know.

4. The first week of June I went to the beach with my boyfriend and his family. It was a blast! And it was much needed. Getting away for a little while and spending time with my boyfriend and his fun-loving family did me a lot of good. Sometimes you just need a good vacation to reboot your system.

5. My heart still gets heavy. But between work, keeping up with Stella, hanging out with Jordan, and doing various other activities tends to keep me distracted. But it doesn’t always keep it away. I have too much time to think at work sometimes. And sometimes I don’t think at all but my heart still gets heavy. I don’t get sad really. There’s just a heaviness. And I tend to be more easily angered these days. Puppy snuggles combat that though. I’m still having a lot of sleeping issues. One night I literally laid down at midnight, turned everything off except my fan, and still was wide awake at 5 am. And when I do sleep it’s violent and restless. So I feel tired all the time these days. But there’s no way to combat that without sleeping pills. And I don’t really want to take those. But the over the counter stuff doesn’t help me at all anymore. I’m immune. By this point I’d need a horse tranquilizer before anything would actually help (this is a metaphor. I wouldn’t actually take a horse tranquilizer 😅) I feel like I’ve gotten even skinnier. But that’s because I eat like once a day and I walk. A LOT. my puppy needs to go out about every hour unless she’s sleeping so we walk quite a bit in a days time. And at work in confined in a particular spot so I pace in circles the entirety of my shift. Which is also where I do way too much thinking because all I have to keep me entertained is my thoughts. And they aren’t always good ones. But mostly I try to make up little fictional things and play a movie in my head. Keeps the sad thoughts away but still entertaining.

6. On June 24th, my Popall’s birthday, we had a cookout for him and a lot of family came. I made sure to stay distracted that whole day so I didn’t have a second of time to be sad. Which. Works. Until I try to go to sleep. For the most part I’ve turned off my feelings. The fragile ones at least. Not all of them. If I make myself numb to the hurt it can’t hurt me.

7. I’m going to TRY. Keyword is try. To update this everyday. If I can’t make that work I will at least do weekly posts.

Thanks for stopping by 🐾

1 note · View note

moidse · 4 years

Text

bro-- long time no chat!!

things have been better good lately between me and the partner. a few weeks ago- well probably more than a month ago now... i read a tweet that hit me about loving someone fully-- i felt like i was holding back because they are moving away, and so i was shutting them off slowly to protect myself instead of loving them fully-- because i had already made the decision that we wont work out when they move, and i realized that isn’t true necessarily. the future is malleable. And plus reading their ish about me sending emails had me stop cuz i was like ah. lol. but idk i have been feeling like im in a new funk lately

I just miss having good sex. I feel very uncomfortable in my body. I’ve gained a decent amount of weight in the last 6 months and I feel significantly less attractive. I feel bad I’m not having good sex and I do not feel confident that I could attract someone and have better sex with where my body is right now. I also feel uncomfortable to be on camera because of my body weight and I am too big for my cute outfits from last year. I also partly feel like I gain more weight when im with someone and when im single i push myself more to be fit to attract people and to feel more confident going on dates. I almost think I need a pause from hanging out with my partner until I have my workout routine down and i’m taking it seriously, because I know going to their house and doing nothing isn’t what I want to be doing anymore. I want to be working out and losing weight. I want to be working on my creative projects. I want to be moving forward. I need to continue creating content.

I am missing having good sex again. which is a feeling that seems to swing like a pendulum. it comes and goes every month or 2. The past few times has been me wanting to top and touch my partner and they were like okay i’m cool with that now. and even before that it was about them touching me and why wont the go down on me and then after i complained they just did it, even though before they said they were too nervous. And it is amazing to think of, in the past,, idk 6 months how far they’ve come. They literally didn’t even want to be naked around me, didn’t want me to touch them at all-- and for the first time recently they are asking me to touch them now... but it still doesn’t hit right.... like when i have sex with them the orgasms are soooo small... i cum harder when im alone. which is the sad truth.

This has all made me better realize how sex is something very important to me in a relationship. I feel like at first I was hesitant to say something like that because I’ve had people in the past act as if all I care about is sex and i’m a fuck boy... which, sex isn’t the only thing I care about but it is something I do care about and matters to me when it comes to dating and there isn’t any thing wrong with that. It took me years to except my sexuality and I learned there is no reason to hide my sexual wants and desires and I feel like people have acted like im some super horny sex freak when I just learned not to be ashamed of my sexual desires, literally like how must white str8 men are, but because im perceived as a black woman, i’m the one who is being deviant.

It took me a long time to accept my sexuality, and then it took me even longer to accept my sexually kinky bdsm desires. It took me so long to learn that there isn’t any reason to be ashamed of wanting to be dominated. I’m allowed to be more masc presenting and be a bottom. Like i really was so embarrassed about that for so long-- probably because I hung out with only str8 white cis men who would find it embarrassing if they wanted to be dominated, because they can only be dominate in bed otherwise other people might judge them... anyways im so glad i do not hang with any str8 cis white boys anymore, they really had a bad influence on me when it came to my views on dating, sex, and women. they all talk about it like women are real people and i also was guilty of that. i’ve grown a lot since being in college. It was when i was half way through college i started accepting the fact that i like the idea of being sexually dominated. i like tall women. i love muscular women. i love people who are tops, dominate, who want to be called daddy. I love all that shit. and when i would mention it to my white str8 cis dude friends they would react in disgust. and honestly it taught me if ppl react that way to my sexual desires that have taken me so long to accept, then they have no space in my friend circles. im basically done being friends with str8 white cis people. they are exhausting to be friends with.

but anyways, last year,,, ehhh it always feels like it was last year but i guess it was two years ago,, well partly last year.. idk ... anyways when i met o**** That relationship was the first time I was open with someone I was having sex with about being trans and my dysphoria and they honestly responded so well and fucked me in very affirming ways and it made me cry because i had never felt such joy before when having sex and feeling gender euphoria.

I always thought that I didn’t want to be in a relationship that was like butch/femme when i was a baby dyke. I used to not want a relationship that even resembled heterosexuality in anyway. but when i was with o**** i felt we had that dynamic of butch/femme. like when we went out it was clear who the “guy” in the relationship was and it was me. it was clear I was filling that role and they filled the other role and to my surprise i loved it. I loved having that dynamic. I loved going to the sex shop with them and the worker helping me get a masc harness and then assuming they want a femme one. I loved knowing that out in public people see me as the guy in the relationship-- because I want to be seen as a guy in general. Being with them opened up this whole side of gender euphoria I had never felt before. That relationship helped me better understand what I want and am looking for. Not to mention the sex was amazing, the best i’ve ever had.

When we first started dating I would top them and it felt great and amazing. Then when I opened up and said I like to be dominated too, they just slide right into that roll with little to no hesitation. And then they started dominating and topping me and found that they really like it. It was the hottest sex I’ve ever had. I’ve always wanted to be dominated and having a dominate femme is so hot. My sexual dreams were finally coming true. And because things were so easy for us sexually I think I just assumed it would always be that way.

Its unfortunate that o**** is such a manipulative person otherwise I’d still be talking to them/fucking them. I still think about approaching them with the idea of just having a sexual relationship and not romantic and see if they are interested. but now isn’t a good time with rona. but anyways, Things working out with us so well sexually I assumed that would just be how it is if I open up and share my wants and desires. I didn’t want to be dating o*** I just wanted to be dominated again and I had gotten it out of my system and they confessed that they still see me as the love of their life, which is the opposite of how I felt so it felt like things should end here. But lets be real, I str8 up dropped them, ghosted them, because I no longer needed their fuck because I had found someone new k****. As soon as k**** said they thought I was cute back I was like BINGO and I legit just dropped o****. I felt like a beast. I felt like a boss ass bitch. Like damn, I have never gotten back with someone to have a good time to just drop them once I found someone new that maybe has potential.

But me feeling like a boss ass bitch came to a halt when like a day later or something k**** was like im really busy with pride and then im leaving for the summer. I was like wow great. I really didn’t want to take this L so I went out of my way to hit on them constantly at cpride as much as I could. Then I finally got them to agree to see be before they leave. it went well. then over the summer I was soooo anxious about every email. I just didn’t want them to lost interest in me and also it was hard to respond to their emails because they were boring lmao. I also was stressed because there was like zero flirting going on and every time i’d try to move the conversation there they would take two steps back. This made me even more insecure and not sure if they even liked me. And I made the stupid move of not trying to hit on anyone else out of fear of them coming back and me having to pick one or explain and shit. meanwhile they were dating other people. its so annoying. its so annoying that im the one not satisfied and they got to date and be with other people... but i guess thats just cuz no one else wanted to be with me......I was literally only okay with it cuz i thought s***** liked me and they didn’t... they lowkey played me... but also i should’ve taken the mixed signals as a no, but i wanted to believe it so bad, and it was confusing when they said they want to make out with me more. i thought i was in... oh well... it happens... it just sucks to be rejected. i always feel like the people i want the most never want me, or like the hottest people, cuz i didn’t really like them deeply just mostly sexually. it just sucked because they were giving me every thing k**** wasn’t. being lovey and affectionate towards me.... and we never fucked but they were very open about being a top and wanting to dom and so i was like *tongue out emoji*

bleh... i just have been missing being dominated lately... i mean i fuckin had a dream about s***** topping me... askvask it was good in the dream....but there is something depressing about k***** having like zero daddy energy. like i really didn’t realize this was gonna happen... like i was str8 up gooped when they casually texted me saying they don’t fuck... i was like wait what?? i felt played that they waited months of us talking and emailing to say that. And I stuck by them cuz I had already formed an emotional bond-- but i’m realizing the tricky part about this is that like having to wait to have sex with someone,, like I never knew if we would be a sexual match and honestly neither did they but it wasn’t a deal breaker for them.. i just feel bad to like help them come out of their shell and feel autonomy with having sex for the first time and shit and for me to be like well you aren’t my type sexually. but it is the truth. they aren’t my type sexually. like the other day i mentioned wanting to be dommed and they were like i dont do that... and i was like ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... i need to be more upfront and say im looking for a top/dom/daddy, or someone who switches and is down to play that way some of the time. cuz this none of the time shit stank.

I mean, they look hot, don’t get me wrong. they look so good in their little body suits and they really make me wanna top them, but its like they have no confidence in being a bottom too. I feel like that’s why this shit really stank. at first they was like yeah i’ll touch you but dont touch me. But also I am not into being a top/dom. but also you can’t touch me so this is all you can get. Me, unenthusiastically rubbing you off. but now that they do let me touch them, it’s like i want the whole bottom experience. like shake ur tiny ass for me baby. run ur hands up and down ur bottom. show me how far you can stretch ur leg. I want a sloppy slutty bottom. I want them to shake their ass on my d and bend over for me. Tell me how good it feels. I want our sex to be so hot we can’t keep our hands off each other. We have phone sex and send voice memos because we just need to hear each other cum. I want them to want to ride my d.

I feel this way every 2 months or so... idk what to do about it. I don’t want to break up with them and be alone. I do want to be having sex with someone else... I just dont have any prospects.

lets hypothetically think about the idea of bringing up to them that I want to fuck other people. lets say we have that talk and they are okay with it. My worry is if i meet someone nice who fucks me good i will just leave k****.

i just miss being topped and I dont think I will ever be sexually satisfied in the relationship I’m in and it’s just unfortunate because I was very patient with them and waiting like 8 months before I could even touch them and they seemed comfortable having sex with me and it’s like, waiting that long i was never sure if we were sexually compatible and we just aren’t. And i understand they mostly have been with asexual people and it hasn’t been an issue but i think this wouldn’t have happened if in the beginning we had a conversation about sex to see if we are sexually compatible.

0 notes

brothalynchhung · 4 years

Text

2019 overview.

this year.. was fucking two years in one. also a little late again but whatever. this is going to be long as FUCK.

started 2019 in dubai

spent the first couple of days in Dubai on the beach

YOOO AS AM WRITING THAT IT FEELS SO FUCKING LONG AGO HOLLYY SHITT

went to London and just fucked around dt and chinatown lost that damn snake ring fml

I got drunk eating dumplings watching Jeffrey star in that bed LMFAOOOYOO LMFAOOOOOEGJEORIGHSREUG

got back to Ottawa and it was straight GRIND from the get go

back to my last semester of uni

back to club m (omg.. I miss:( kinda lol)

started that govt job

back to social media marketing for Dubai

3 jobs + school basically

did that dumbass STUPID FUCKING govt job all the way in quebec that I woke up for and travelled for everyday

would go straight to gym, work again, or school fml

wasn't entirely bad I kinda needed it cuz I applied to a million jobs during that time and did school work LMAO also printed a lot of important shit and got paid so whatever

CAME TO TORONTO IN MARCH W TRAND OMG I FORGOT THAT WAS 2019

SAW VINCE STAPLES!!

AND The fortune teller who like prophisized all this shit goddddd

iconic if I must say

little did I know...

I miss movati fml lol

working at club Monaco omg ugh they gave me life honestly

fun times w trang cc precious Courtney mich JACK Amanda Raman donia even tho she annoying lol and whoever else I worked w jana jil Daria honestly I just miss Courtney LMFAO uhh jenn was cool too

I'm never going to forget that place I swear to god I have so much loyalty and pride for my memories for that place im never going to take my experience there for

chilling with avid Vinny and like Alex a bit LMAO he would randomly ask to chill it was weird

that Chinese dinner and chat time thing in his car WHAT WAS THATTT

chilling like a scrub a cu with hector and that crew goddLMAO

avin vin rideau gang

visiting avid at nordstorm the Rui girl and Herman lol he was sofunny

MY BODY IS FOR ME NOT THESE BITCHES LMFAOO

last class with strangle omg he was iconic honestly

trang pargol fidede zainab mannnn honestly shoutout old Ottawa friends

xinyii!! and jelly!! my last times with them

I miss Xinyi so much :( im so happy I got to see her before leaving she was so nice I wish her so much success

remember working those last shifts at cm like.. yo I feel like things are going to change and my days are numbered.. I feel it.

did interview after interview, applying EVERYDAY to escape

the amount of focusing I did on applying around feb and April like I was just focused on working and getting out of there

did two interviews in like 2 hours always on the go always moving always working

and then like clockwork.. at the govt job.. went to the bathroom knew? to bring my phone with me.. and then right when I left I got a call from mk went into that empty conference room and got the offer. cried. accepted. life changing

I honestly just left that place... went to cm and just.. resigned... put my two weeks in...

and it happened literally in my last week of the govt job..

like fate

immediately went home told cc precious fam

fam weren't happy

BUT I FINALLY ESCAPED!!!! LOOKING BACK ON THIS BLOG AND EVERYTHING I FINALLY F I N A L L Y GOT OUT OF THERE THE BITCH ASS CURSED SHIT CITY NEVER GOING BACKEGIUEHGEIRUGH

shout out precious for helping me honestly he helped so much

found my place through hmida who held it down

that whole condo scenario LOL godddd my landlord a HOE

met zgy gvy at precious while I crashed a night

THE MILLIONS OF RIDESHARESSS GOODDDDDD

remember the one I took last minute from Yorkdale LMAO that one wasn't bad honestly I slept good

moving my things packaging them up. like yo.. lol

bringing the boxes from shoppers godddd LOL

finally landed in Toronto with my place

waiting outside for 5 hours for my damn keys crazy with my suitcase lol...

THEN FINALLY GOT TO MY FIRST PLACE!! MY FIRST RENTAL CONDO ALL ON MY OWN NO ROOMATES JUST ME

unpacking my things

like just finally having my own place mannn that was my dream for such a long ass time

getting around dt a bit getting used to tdot...

crazy exciting

then... 3 days in..

...

met that bitch that fucked me up

met everything I ever wanted in a person? physically and interest wise and yet?

nothing?

SO CONFUSED I MET SOMEONE WITH EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I WANTED

first hookup? lost v?

new city new job new life new home lost v new everything

in 3 days.

my life crazy..

spent the whole time like until October till low-key NOW just thinking about it bitterly

my feelings up and down I was drowning in obsession and confusion

I know I fucked it up but it was fucked up since the beginning

shook everything about what I thought I wanted in gl or a person

standards are definitely raised and all men trash and hoes Idgaf

I feel nothing towards nobody

my whole mind switched to money and power.

gl I love you but you're not here and we got a lot growing to do so imma see ya ass in a couple of years

anyways started working at mk!!! craziest 3 month probation thing I had

HOWWW DID I DOOOO ITTTTTTT

met so much people... holy shit.. zgy,gvy,hailey,gab,aisha,priya,rach,lisa,alex,DANIA, goddddd

clubbing.. mon., thurs... weekenddd... wake up... 8:30 work

how did I do it.... fuck lol

met a lot of hoes.. fucked with Sunday once more before he died bye bitch ass hoe.. Leo, sleeve, uhhh that's it I think actually

CABANNNAAAA

OMG I SAW SEAN PAUL LIVE ICONICC YOO THIS FUCKING YEAR LMFAOOOOO

omg YEAH I SAW NCT IN MY FIRST WEEK OF TO WITH PARGOL LMFAOOO YOOOOO

damn this year was crazy I keep forgetting shit

all the weird ass ppl I met at cabana omg the humber guy YOO THE ASIAN GUY WITH MY KEYS LMFAOOO ZGY FUCKLMFGIESH

omg tsf lmao and like yeah all the clubbing ppl in to fuck

half and half like didnnt know if I liked it or not but it was crazy

still think about that Frans night the damn milkshake and food omggg

just spent summer exploring to trinity Bellwoods ossington like summer stories clubbing stories

managing my double life lol

SPIDERMAN OBSESSION LMAOOOO TO DISTRACT MY MIND FROM THAT BITCH ASS HOE LMFAOOFREJGIEURHSTESUIH THEN I FOUND OUT HE HAS A WHOLE WIFE AND BABY YOOO LMFAOOO

good distraction made work fun when I needed it during my last months of probation LMAO

omg going home during lunch and then back to work ICONIC

leaving the girls at my place and coming back for lunch LMAOOO god really iconic honestly showering and going back to work sleeping hoeing all that LMFAO

omg the time I left Leo at my place YOO LMAO

still have that expensive ass sweater LMFAO WAT A SIMP

those drunk texts he sent Me in august and I punked him off LMFAOO 😩😂

men trash

darren Chris rob goddd all those damn ppl I met the one guy who saved me during that blacTHE BLACKOUT CABANNA NIGHT GOD THAT WAS A MESS LMAO TITTIES OUT EVERYTHING but yeah he was low key useless I forget his name highboy but whatever

YOOO THAT GIRLS TITTIES I SLEPT ON NGEIRGHEUHUE ICONIC

I got catfishes twice 😩 the change bitch and the John bitch airehguerihserh FUCKKK LMFAO

AND THEN THE CHANG BITCH WAS TRYNA SAY OH U JSUT LOOK TO ARAB THATS WHY WE HAVNET TALKED AGAINL IKE BITCHHHHH FIRST OF ALL UR A WHOLE CATFISHFHERGUERBKSHETERU AHERUIGESRUYR LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

and then I catfish Sunday to punk him off for revenge and call him a thot and thought he was talking about me for catfish when it was just about another bitch he was hoeing with cuz he a hoe.. Jesus my life wild

SO MUCH SHIT THIS SUMMER UHERGHSREG

gained weight fml I don't even wanna mention it iDONT WANNA TALK

even if it is muscle I dDONT WANNT TALK ABOUT IT

the cabana pool jump... godd... walking home drunkregiuhersguhe fucK

summer was crazy

nada and mama coming wow that was annoying I rlly can't do family even though I love them

getting high swimming the catfish racing munchies arguing with Alex LMAO

eating out with Dania gab Lisa the normal ppl I met lool

a lot of stress of money and where I want to go I was in a hella rush idk why I think everything happening so fast made me not want to slow down at all but im finally slowing down

priya end of the year rebel tiff stuff

basically drowning in depress and regret around the end of summer cuz everything calmed down and I had the time to think and reflect about everything and yeah.. got super depressed

that bitch cc and her bullshit yo just fucking go bye

notice how there's like no memories with her like yeah there was but they were just annoying cuz she was annoying highkey

thanks for bringing my shit from Ottawa tho dumbass LOL eat a dick

THE HOT TUBBBB SUMMERSSS AND SUMMER NIGHTS

omg all my emo ass walks at night to the port and water and trillium park in the morning aiohreughresehre writing with my journal god that was actually nice tho

super peaceful so happy to live near the water highkey

always in between losing myself who am I what do I do now who am I like did I lost myself did I ever have myself

major existential crisis

how did I survive work god

musicmusiscmusicccc

moviesmovesmoves

readreadread

actually I had a lot of night walking home from the club sad

omg remember the ovo guy fucking loser liar

as usualllll

RECORDRESCORSDCRECORDDSSS SO MANY TDOT IS PERFECTT

ugh what else fuck too much shit happened OH YEAH

my birthday with the girls and the bbq!! the cake!! omg so nice :((( so funny lol

that weirdo ass man that I still see in the gym sometimes god help me lol

passing my probation!!!! and then like finally fitting in and feeling apart of mk and the “family” lol

CLARK KENT AND SCOTTISH MANS MAKING MY LIFE EVRYDAYYYYYugh love them

got a moomin from Scottish mans 🥺 love him

anyways got depressed drowning in obsession.. nothing surprising there 🙄

got high and drunk like bottom of the barrel...

right before pargol came LMAO

oh yeah I went to Ottawa because yo I was going out of my mind about losing myself.. needed to go BACK to the place I hated to find myself

went back and it was like??? everything was the same.. still saw vin and avid and Herman at Rideau still had bbt with them

still fucking around hector and that whole crew had Ivan his girl moe.. ribal..Kyle YO lol that weird ass club experience AS USUAL Ottawa clubs trash god

apple picking same year in a row wit z <3 and hamza and fams lol

saw the kids and got to be stupid again loool

anyways came back to my actual life

like it just felt weird knowing that the place I had all my memories and experiences in like.. felt nothing

even the forest felt weird like I didn't need to be there anymore?

as much as tried to drown myself in obsession and my past and bad habits.. I couldn't?

im being forced to move forward and learned Sunday was the last experience it was just eye opening

after the emotional shit I sat down again and had a whole purging

I never felt that bad and horrible and drowned in obsession since raglan..

like.. deleted the hidden pictures... the feeling.. like I've done this before...

that was the final straw..

you think its over just because I am dead but its not over..the games just begun.

never again.

anyways I met Aisha!!! love her vibe with her heavy

introduceed me to the sugar shit YOOOO LMFAOOO

THEN WE STARTING PIMPIN AND MAKING EXTRA MONEY

NO MORE MONEY STRUGGLE

GOT FUCKED OVER HEART TURNED COLD NOW WE FOCUSING ON MONEY CAREER POWER PLAYING THESE HOES FOR THEY MONEY AND RECLAIMING MYSELF

weird ass fucking people but get the money and go

stack up crazy and saving up this past few months

and just chilling w friends and therapy sessions

scheming and planning for the future

therapy sessions

got close with Lisa

oh yeah BOLO!! UGH BEST GYM

ALSO OMG I FORGOT I SAW BROCKHAMPTON AGAIN!!! AND SOMEHOW GOT TO THE BARRIER AND LITERALLY HAD SO MUCH INTERACTION WITH KEVIN LIKE SINGING TOGETHER AND THEN HE CAME DOWN SAID I GOTCHU AND TOOK TWO PICS WITH ME FUCKGIERGEIUTHSEUH THAT WAS INSANEEE MY LIFE WILDDDD

iconic holiday party and New Years with again like random weird ppl and my girls exemplifying how wild and fresh the whole experience of this year was

at least I be waking up warm and clean in MY PLACEby myself with no bullshit

just like.. got a new place new job new city basically live the life I always wanted? reading movies? new friends no problems? wtf how my life change so quick

new interesting experiences

getting drunk high dancing at my place out in these streets just meeting bare people all these new people and experiences holy shit...

and like yeah im not where I want to be but this progress and process is FUN now

everything a strategy and a move and love staying busy

wish I had more free time tho I never feel rested my life fucking crazy LOOL

that weirdo bitch who thought he was dating me UGHHH BOTTOM OF THE BARRELL JUST FOR A CAR AND FOOD BITCHARE U CRAZY

power trip crazy im so sorry jfc

anyways block and move on

met Chris and we still talking for like 3 months in a row god... lol gunna see him Saturday idk was the HALE going on

im like surrounded by hoes???? and I don't want it GOD I JUST BEEN FOCUSING ON ME AND MONEYFUCK EVERYONE ELSE

idek what else maybe im missing shit but this whole year wild best year of MY LIFE though

idk what the fuck gunna happen in 2020 cuz my split lives and the chaos and playing hoes and always thinking about opportunity and abundance and money got my mind and moves all wrapped in strategy but we only ONNLY ONLYYY GOING UP from here no excuses lets fucking go I always say this but 2019 was fucking wild and you know what.. lets fucking go 2020 LETS FUCKING GO as long as I don't gain weight LMFAO lets fucking GO. money and power on my mind exclusively. gl imma see you in 2 years. focusing on bigger things but at least im OUT HERE and ESCAPED and we onLY ATTRACTING AND MANIFESTING ABUNDANCE

0 notes