Im going to give my parents shaken baby syndroms Im- hhhhhhhh vent :3 (gonna put any warning stuffs in tags)
I am so just- am eepy. I want to sleep. It is fucking 2:30 in the morning. But I cannot! Because I am hungry! And my body is fucking not doing good! And I can not do anything about it because I do not have food.
But for whatever reason!! My mother!! Who eats the least in this household!! Continually has her stuff stocked!! She fucking- eats like two of the jif to go cups of peanut butter for lunch. And that is like- her lunch. And that just fucking works for her. Which is because she got fucking weight loss surgery.
Im
Hhhhhhhhhhhh
I do not have enough food. And honestly I probably havent had enough food in months. Because instead of eating i sleep. Because my body shuts down. And I am trying *so hard* to get across to my parents that I need food. I am- hhhhh honestly prolly qualifying as anorexic speaking strictly on eating patterns. Which ik for sure my mom is.
And also my irl friend keeps talking about hes gonna starve himself. And im- hhhhh. Theres so many fucking tjings going on with him and theyre bad and I havent talked about them and im going to fucking lose my mind. But thats not even what im focused on right now.
I dont know if i can continue physical therapy. Because it is not guaranteed that i have food. And my parents say that money is tight. But my mother is constantly getting a bunch of stuff. And we have so much shit. And im- i camt handle all of this.
I cant ask for anything without being told that im asking for a lot. My mom ordered in dinner for me and my brother the other night bc she got a thing through work and i asked for what I know would be enough for me and I got told that thats too expensive. Which i understand. The cost of shit is fucking insane. But there is so much fucking focus on cost and portion size and “oh tjat costs too much” “oh youre asking for a lot” “dont forget that this is what a portion size” and even fucking talk of like calories and checking even though i ask for that to not happen.
People tell me to take some of their food because they have plenty and I get it but Im fucking terrified. My mom had locked up a shit ton of food when i was a kid including freezers. Which to this day still have the locks by them. And if im caught she wont hesitate to do it again. I cant go through that again.
I know I cant really get out. Im genuinely scared of my parents. I- cant. I cant get out. I cant leave stuff. Im terrified. Fuck i don’t remember ever not being scared of my mom in some capacity. And my dads way more passive but sometimes he yells and I just- cant do it. And i hate that what they do works. I get shoved into being this fucking doormat of a person.
Honestly I dont think I ever really got to be a person. I still dont super feel like one. I dont have complete control over myself. I dont feel like i have free will. Which sucks. I wanma be my own person. I wanna learn what itd feel like to be able to be myself for even a day. Im- just lost a lot of the time.
The only good thing I know for sure is coming out of this is that I know my depression medication works. Im pretty sure most of my issues with functioning are from malnutrition issues. And im def not suicidal or having thoughts of sh which is really nice!! Plus I know I have a very supportive group of friends online that I love very much
Wuheiwhe speaking of friends- angy about irl friend. He fucking- complained to me that he gets upset when i vent about shit at home cause hes gonna get kicked out when he turns 18. Which likw- i get it. The threat of being homeless is horrible. But if your thought process while you have fucking unwatched access to a credit card and can essentially have whatever the fuck you want while im saying i dont fucking have food at home is “well at least you have a home” IS FUCKING INSANE. Especially because you have already gathered almost $1000 in cash amd still have like 11 months to figure shit out. Your future situation sucks but that should not take away empathy for my current situation??? Where i am??? Not getting fed enough???
I understand that your homelife is shit and your family is fucked. However, you almost never get told no. Which is really fucking obvious!!! Because you wont take any of my nos for an answer!!! And tbh youre kinda financially abusive!!! I hear how you talk to your bf which is fucking insane and i hate it. And when you talk about how you pay for gas when im using my parents cars and they need to be filled and i say were driving around too much and using a lot of gas you go “well its my gas” No!! It isnt!! That is not how that works!! And just because you pay for the fucking gas WHEN YOU HAVE ME DRIVING FUCKING ALL OVER THE PLACE BECAUSE I LITERALLY CANNOT GWT YOU TO UNDERSTAND IM SAYING NO does not kean you pay for the rest of the fucking car!!! You also!! Make jokes about taking back gifts!! Because you paid for them!! Which is shitty as fuck!! And its not even your fucking koney its your grandmas money and you got fucking pissed and bitchy when Ive mentioned that when talking about it being different when one of our friends took advantage of us for money because you are just handed it and the stuff i had i workwd for, in a job that started the decline of my physical wellbeing. Its not the same fucking thing.
Im
Shaking. I want to scream. I cant. Handle everything. I dont want to have to be here and dealing with all of this.
And anothwr fucking tjing about ky friend- he gets pissy when me or his boyfriend accidentally leave garbage in his room. Which i get a little but then he doesnt take care of it either!! And then he has shit there all the time!! Including multiple unfinished starbucks drinks that have grown mold!!! Why do you keep getting the biggest fucking size when you know damn well you wont drink it.
And you keep fucking- i cant play therapist for you. You cannot constantly come crying to le about your bf and talking about how you should break up with him AND THEN GET KAD AT ME FOR SUGGESTING YOU BREAK UP WITH HIM
Im not- i cant. Im
Im violently angry. And i want to sleep. Amd i wamt to be able to have food. And i want my oarents to love me and understand me. Or even fucking- to try. At all. I want my physical wellbeing to matter. But it doesnt. In multiple different ways. And its all just so bad all the time and i try and tune it out but it slips through.
Im having trouble remember things. Its bad. Im- i cant use my brain as well as i know i should be able to. Im- idk. I just cant fucking deal with this. Except im still going to. Im complaining but theres mot kuch i can change.
I hate feeling like im breaking all the time. I want to be able to be loved and be a person and have a home!!! I have a roof over my head. And i appreciate that so much. But this is absolutely not a home. And its very much not welcoming for me. And I just- I perpetually have the feeling of “i want to go home” with no home to go to. And its been like that for most of my life. And I just- really want to have a home.
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