#if id just been loved and had the money to succeed | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

epipenis · 4 months

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i want them to suffer. i want to take back control. i wish id never gotten this far, this deep. i hate the idea that they think of me this way, that they’re better than me because they had a therapist telling to to do self care and about roll confusion. i’m so fucking mad and sad and hurt. i want to hurt them. but i cant. i have nothing. and its cruel. i’m just so so so fucking tired of feeling so incredibly exceedingly unappreciated. get out of my life. stop leaching off of the limited resources i have. do you even fucking realize for one second how much i’ve given up for you. how much i’ve begged and bared everything and lit myself on fire to try for you and you have failed me again and again and again and now i want you gone. and that anger and pain is so much stronger because i can’t get rid of you, i can’t have things go back to how they were, i can’t make you less selfish and ungrateful. i fucking hate you so much…. because i’ve loved you beyond what is even reasonable, or ultimately sustainable or healthy…. and it literally could never be enough. because you were never enough. and i’m a fucking fool for taking you on. i want you gone. i want you far away. and yet i want so desperately to have you see it. to have you appreciate it. at this point i just want to watch you suffer under the pain i’ve been carrying for so fucking long and literally dragging you along while i get dragged back. i’m worse off than i’ve ever been and you have barely made any growth……….. you’ve made some but it’s not even close to enough. it’s not enough. and you still dare to complain and burn the money you’ve been given. amanda said it themselves- not even if regard to me, but in regard to themselves, to jeff, ryan, rainey. “i don’t think they’ll ever realize how much good will they’ve burned”. i will never tell you these things…… bc some insane part of me needs to see you succeed because otherwise what the fuck was any of it for, and i think that could only make you crumble. and frankly i resent you for being so fucking weak that i can’t even tell you this shit. i can’t tell you anything. there is no room for growth or discussion. i always have to monitor everything i say. and you just blow your feelings all over the place. even when im begging, fucking begging. you still have to be in more pain. i hate you. i fucking hate you because i thought you were better than this and you just fucking aren’t. i hate you because you’re a reflection of all of my worst qualities and because of the pain i’ve put myself in. i want you gone. i don’t want any of the people who are supposed to be nice and to care for me give any more of that to you. i begged them to. begged. over and over again. and they gave everything even when they had nothing and i lost so much and you gave me so so so fucking little. i hate you. i hate you. i hate you i want to hurt you, emotionally, physically. i want to punch you. i worry that if you do it again i wont be able to control myself. don’t fucking touch me. how dare you be upset that i don’t say i love you. how dare you. i fucking hate you so god damn much you’re so weak. you ask for truth but you can never handle it and i always have to pick up the pieces im so fucking mad that you dare ask for patience again and again and again. you’re so like your sister. you’re awful. get away from me. how could you do this to me. you promised me it was worth it. and it just fucking isn’t. how could you fail me like this. am i really that meaningless. am i nothing. is anything i will ever do worth anything…….. i get you. because i trusted you. and i worked so so so so so fucking hard to help you figure out how to take care of yourself so that you could do the baseline and treat me with respect and trust and acknowledgement and love and gratitude and want and i never fucking got that shit. get out. get out……… i’m so mad because you tried…. because this was your best….. because i have cherished and respected and encouraged you and am grateful to you….. and it was t enough. and you will blow up again. do i ask for too much?

no. i have to believe i dont. maybe i didnt always ask in the best ways. maybe sowntimes too much. but you always gave what i didn’t want and didn’t give anything i begged for, and then acted burnt out. whose fault is that…… fuck. i’m so fucking hurt. how could i give away everything i have had to you. get the fuck out. get out…… even this pain wouldn’t have you realize it. you would be too busy playing the pain olympics and hating yourself and feeling judged. “i don’t have parent trauma” my fucking ass, fuck you, you’re so unaware. i want to kick you until you figure it out. because your stupid fucking bs has hurt me- so deeply. and even when i told you that it didn’t fucking matter and it had to be about you. is it because ‘i have things you don’t’. fuck you you selfish sinister neurotic narcissistic self centered traumatized and weak and helpless, hopeless, blind, stupid fucking bitch.

i hate that i tried to make you better when you fucking didn’t actually want it. not really.

and now i’m worse.

and i’m selfish. and awful. maybe i’ve only survived this long due to a saint complex………. kill me. but then again, i really believed in you…. and now i hope no one ever does again.i hope they all give up. i hope you never find someone to love you, hold you, make you cum, take you in, share their love, their community, i fucking want to burn your clit off. i want to tattoo on you the pain you’ve caused me so you never forget. i want to kill you and myself because i hate the idea of being this fucked and thinking this low of anyone. i just……… wish to god, please god, lord, savior, god, God. i wish this had t gone this way. i wish it was over. i wish you were better, somewhere far away, and i was happy….. i wish i hadn’t given up so much, i wish i could have it back. i hate you. i want to bite you. i want to choke you out. i want to tie you down and punch you……….. im nothing. i’m fucking nothing. and now i’m the scary and fucked up one. and now i’m the one you’ll work through in therapy. it’s me. i should’ve left a long long long time ago. but i didn’t.

take some responsibility. punch me, hard. do it first. so i can punch you back. i want to see you and hear you in pain. i want to be in pain. i want to be dead because i don’t want to be in pain and because i give up. i’m the fucking worst. i’m the tyrant. why didn’t you run. why did you have no one and nothing else. why are you still so sweet and tempting, why are you still so beautiful, why did you hurt me….. why did you hurt me. why. why. was i never enough. why did you do this. please just. fucking go away so i don’t have to hear you answer and i won’t even get a chance to ask because really want kind of sick unwell masochist am i to ask that question. at this point. i’m so hurt. i’m tired of begging. pleading. there’s no hope.

now i dry my tears and prepare for a war. what will i do. how strong can i be. what will it take. how far will i go. now that i see it, i want out. how do i sustain this. why. why are you like this. i hate you. you’re nothing. you are nothing. and it’s too late.

please hold me…………. don’t fucking touch me.

oh how things have changed. i can see the path walked a million times over, and im walking along side it. its littered with gravestones, id put a flower at every one. it’s frozen now. i can’t go back.

why couldn’t i have met you when you were better. would you have gotten better without me? am i really so se centered to believe that’s true? but then i look at how insanely fucking hard i’ve worked, and how little has changed, and i think……. maybe. and then i see you making progress. and i resent you for me. there’s no progress for me, when do you work on us, when do you help me. when do you stop thinking you’re so fucking perfect. you’re pretentious. and insolent. and stubborn. and childish. you are childish. no matter how much you know or what parent figures you have in your life or what you believe you’re doing and preforming. you are weak. and not in the ways you coddle yourself for. in the ways you praise yourself for.

no more flowers. don’t miss them. or i’ll hate you more. just leave. and never come back to this grave yard. not unless you bring your own flowers.

fuck you. for never helping pull the wagon. for dragging me down. for thinking to highly of yourself and so little at the same time. fuck yoh. fuck……… i want the tears to stop. i want to ache to stop. i want you to keep asking so i can keep denying. i want you to suffer. i want to take away everything i can. we’ve been down this road before. and i brought us back. and now. “whatever im going through” and it’s triggering you. i just……….. want to bite you. tie you down so you can’t stop me or scratch me, and bite you. i’m tired…………. im so tired. i want to feel the tired, that sad exhaustion and rest and peace in pain. but i want to bite you first.

ok. now that i’m sufficiently marked for inpatient. and you’re doing so well.

run good for you by olivia rodrigo. i told you one day it would be the song i played after we broke up. and you told me no… i should’ve known then.

💐

goodbye. i’ll miss you. and i’ll hate you for making me miss you. make it quick. give me a reason to hate you.

#mine #breakup #relationships #text post #writing #2/4/24 #flowers #graveyard #caregiver burnout #mental health #mental illness

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seburath-aryes-ancunin · 5 months

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It's 2024!

Since I'm not too much in the D2 fandom I'll probably change my name again.

I do have a few things, resolutions if you please, that I'd like to share for the new year. Nothing too terrible to be honest.

I'll like to draw or sketch something at least once a week. Ive been bad in art block because Ive just been been in a stale part of my life lately. It's nothing to do with my relationships or all that. Ive just been stuck....I think drawing would help me out.

Id like to do the same with writing. It's been even longer than I wrote something. I don't personally care if it's typing on my iPad or writing in a notebook. I just wanna do it to get out of my stalemate with life.

Build a better cosplay. In February (1st to the 4th) I'll be going to Megacon in Orlando. I'm gonna try to go as Pomni (but with a twist) but besides that, I'd like to make some 2.0s of some of my other cosplays. I do have Murtagh (my DaD fursuit) I need to make more room in or make a better head of but RN I wanna focus on cosplay. I'd like to maybe try making my Tiefling/dragonborn Aryes (pronounced like Eris) or even Astarion.

I'd like to try to be more active if I can and lose some weight. Nothing too dramatic as I do have a few health issues (mental and physical) that prevent me from going absolute HAM on this one but I'll try where I can.

DRIVE. I'd like to try to get my damn car fixed so I can get my license. IM GONNA BE 30 THIS YEAR. And before anyone asks, this is actually the first time since I moved here 10 years ago that I have a stable enough car (the last one I had like 7 years ago was a dud and the people that sold it to use knew this and just wanted money). It's nothing too bad and I can fix it myself (with mom's help).

Get out of the house more. That's self explanatory. I need to stop being a shut-in.

Try new food. I love to eat but I wanna try new things too

Learn that it's ok to fail things. Something I was never taught was that it's ok to fail. There was always the big hype for me to succeed and to be good at what I do that no one ever told me it's ok to fail. It's ok that I didn't do it perfectly. It's ok that I didn't get it done. I can try again or now I know that's a bit beyond what I can do.

Take more pictures. Memories.

Enjoy life and be less depressed.

Yeah, as always there's always normal goals like 'Play better videogames' or 'go to the Beach' but those aren't really New Year's resolutions for me. They are just normal things I do everyday.

But I thought I'd just share those with everyone as well as the small update. I'll still be around and as always I'm still on Twitter (I'm not calling it X, f-u Elon) and I do streams on Twitch every now and then. Anyways, have a happy new year guys!

#tkl speaks #just a small update #nothing big

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through-the-untempered-schism · 2 years

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Dear Taylor

Dear Taylor:

I'm so sorry that you had to watch a lot of us suffer trying (and mostly failing) to get tickets, unable to do anything to stop it and make it better. Truly. But 2.4 million FANS did not get tickets. You're a smart, talented business woman who loves us, and we wouldn't be selling such a high volume of tickets on the secondary market ALREADY at such a huge mark-up. If you don't know yet, I'm sure you'll know soon, TM works with scalpers, goes to their conferences, and works real hard to get them tickets because that's how TM makes money - off their resale fees (which are percentage based, so higher resale = higher cut). And I hate to say this, really truly because I've been with you since the beginning, gone to Target when my store did a midnight release (time, not the album), purchased music videos on iTunes (I feel old), filled notebooks with decoded lyrics...you know, nothing special, just the normal fan things that unite all of us. But because I've been around so long and admired you as an artist and business woman, I find it really hard to believe that you didn’t know TM operated like this. That you didn’t know other, smaller artists (and big ones) have limited resell prices to face value. But if you didn’t, then I guess you didn’t.

Going forward though, maybe you can change that. Maybe you can somehow be a part of a movement that works to eliminate some of the predatory means that TM uses to make money. You’ve done it before when people thought it couldn’t be done. You’ve gone toe to toe with some of the biggest names in the industry and come out on top. We’ve cheered you on every time. I want to keep cheering you on as you do it again and again. Here are just a few things you could maybe think about in terms of TM:

Unlimited accounts. TM has been caught saying to scalpers that they have no desire to limit the number of accounts they have.

No identification on the resale market. The process is anonymous, allowing scalpers to sell numerous tickets to their name without buyers knowing they’re selling numerous other tickets. Making sure that accounts are tied to real ID’s and that people can’t have multiple of them would eliminate people trying to get around non-anonymous sales by making different accounts with different names.

Dynamic/Platinum pricing. I’m sure you’ve already heard of this. It was announced for Ed Sheeran that he was turning it off for his concert. We didn’t get that announcement. Fans reported ticket prices changing as they added them to their account, lost it from site glitches, then tried adding it again.

There’s also a rumor (I have literally no evidence for this beyond anecdotal from being on the discord servers, reddit, and twitter two days in a row) that not only did the boosts we received do nothing, they might’ve even ‘boosted’ us to the back of the line. Even though the queue ticker doesn’t show you your exact place in line above 2,000 people in front of you, there’s a way to go into the source code of the page and see your exact place. Many boosted people were somewhere from 15,000-25,000 in line. Non-boosted might’ve been closer. Not a universal experience, but enough to show that they truly were worthless, if not outright hurtful.

Another thing to consider - a lot of us didn’t appreciate how VIP packages were tied to specificrandomseats. I don’t have any objection to a lot of front row stage/lower bowl seats being VIP (though I think it would be nice to have some that aren’t to allow fans with less economical means but equally dedicated to have that experience). But it was insulting and a hard pill to swallow when seats 4-19 rows back in all tiers (lower and way up high bowls) were also marked up by hundreds of dollars because they were VIP. And by the time most of us got in, that’s all that was left (until even those were gone).

No matter what, I’ll always be in your corner rooting for you to succeed and celebrating when you do. I can also make space for the fact that a failure occurred here, likely intentionally on TM’s part, and at least with culpable ignorance on yours. That doesn’t erode my faith that you’ll still try to do something to make this right. I believe you still have that power. When you lost the opportunity to buy your masters, you mourned, but you also found a solution in re-recording your albums that’s turned into being the most amazing gift for us (and hopefully you as well). You’ve gone to court to fight harassment for one dollar to show that it’s the behavior, not the money that matters. You’ve dropped albums without telling your record company until the last hour in order to deliver your vision of a finished product. You went to war with Apple Music and won. And if you really can’t do anything in this situation, if you’re bound by some ironclad contract that you regret signing now, then I hope you can at least acknowledge why a lot of us are still feeling so duped after this statement that fails to lay out any precautionary measures you could’ve taken, a claim that 2.4 million fans have tickets, and no plan or intention to try rectifying this somehow. Or even a proclamation that you wish you could, but your hands are tied for reasons you cannot disclose. Honor us and our intelligence and our dedication to you, that we will stand with you through the good and bad, the tribulations and [Roman] triumphs. We’re all human, none of us are perfect, we all mess up. That’s okay. Just please don’t leave us drowning in the pouring rain <3

#taylor swift #tour #the eras tour #eras tour #taylor swift tour #ticketmaster #taylor nation #fan response #love you forever and always but for realsie #she probably won't ever see this but writing is cathartic #tswizzles

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ameliahross · 2 years

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transposition

So bare this is the first of the small handful of transcriptions I have from my personal journal. Im not that great at remembering to do it but i have my tea and am comfy after work so why not now? Fair warning...18+ themes are discussed. If you are not 18+ do turn away. Please abide my TOS as i would like to ensure this sticks around for friends and family should the unforeseen happen. June 17th 2022 The time is 6:24pm Mountain Daylight Savings Time. I start this journal as a chance to be open and free about who I am and the things I have seen and done. As a chance to reflect and grow on my actions, my thoughts, and who I am as a person. My name is Amelia Harper Ross. I am a 26 year old Male-to-Female Transgender Woman and this is my story. Having been born with a penis and a body ripe with testosterone has been a struggle for several years now. I will no longer let it define who I am anymore. I am a Woman...just with a little extra (for now.) This is the start to being me and being proud of who I am. No more hiding. No more Lies. no more Chirades. This is MY story, for I am Amelia. June 18th 2022 I have no idea if I will succeed at Keeping this a daily thing or if itll end up being a weekly thing i do after therapy sessions, (Turns out I only do it when i actually remember, but i digress,) but lets see where my mind wanders to today. My start was the same as most that are questioning their identity at a very young age. I was raised in a upper-middle class Christian and fairly conservative home. My parents were both on their second marriages and my mother had been told she was ill to conceive so they turned to adopting and they ended up with me (LOL.) As time went on and i started to learn more in school and fell in love with the sciences and Math, the words of the church, that had been drilled into my brain, began to seem less and less like a fact and more and more like a personal truth that had been inscribed on papyrus many, many years ago by a person long lost to time. I drifted away from what had been taught to me and started doing my own research and learnings. In Middle school i had a lot of free time after school and had been small enough, in comparative to the size of my mother, I was able to fit in most of what she had in her closest. So at the age of 11, or 12, I dont really remember the specifics, I discovered the wonders of feminine clothing and fell in love with the feeling. When ever I was home alone id sneak in and pick a dress to wear and just relax in, being careful to not get it dirty and put everything back where it should be. By the time i was 14 i think? I had amassed a couple of my own items taken from lost and found at school and washed and folded to hide in the bottom of my closest from my parents. I didn’t know sizing at that point so everything was hit or miss. Every so often my stash would disappear, suspected my mother and years later found this out. by the time i was 15 I had discovered the wonders of the adult film industry and all things with adult-theming. I had an iPod touch so was able to browse the web from the privacy of my own room late at night. I stubbled upon “shemale” and “trany” and “femboy” items (now i look back at that and shudder ugh i hate those words) but i was drawn to them. Never as the man, or the top. Always as the bottom. That feeling ugh i wanted to feel it but was too young and naive at that point to know how to get that feeling. It was wild and highly errotic and as much as i tried to move away from it i always got drawn back to it. Now a days i just pop on grindr if im in that mood. From there my research lead me down a path that has developed into my every growing list of kinks and fetishes. When i turned 16 and had my own car and money I was able to buy my own clothes from goodwill or the thrift stores or off eBay and poshmark. It was nice. but again my stash would always disappear. I grew frustrated as i had lost a nightgown i had fallen in love with sleeping in. So beautiful and freeing and safe. My mother had caught me one morning in it and asked a question that still sticks out to this day. “Do you feel trapped?” I was ashamed of what i had become and was scared and so clueless i couldn't answer her and we agreed to never discuss it until i was ready (i think in her hoping it was a perverted phase as a teenager WRONG LOL) I look back on it and have wondered what would have changed if i had said yes at that point. If i knew then what i know now. Would i have been able to start my transition years ago? Would I have ended up at gay-conversion therapy or summer camp? Would i have been able to live my life much earlier in life? Hormones before i had puberty? Would i still be 6′4″? All these what ifs that i would have the answer to IF i had just spoke up. It’s taken me close to, if not longer than a decade from the beginning of all of this to form an answer to that question. The truth? I am a transgender woman. I am a Woman that is trapped inside a mans body. I may have been born with a penis but Im still more of a woman than most men could ever handle, and more of a man than most of the boys out there fishing. I am Amelia, and ill be damned if anyone tries to tell me otherwise.

#trans pride #transisbeautiful #This is me #i am amelia #the beginning #how it started #who am i #pride #life #what ifs #i am a woman #transgender

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allisas · 3 years

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Dream Home Decorator Apartment

Thanks to the EA Game Changer program for providing me with a copy of this new pack!

After design school Aron & Thalia moved into a rundown apartment in San Myshuno's fashion district. They've spent all their saved money on renovating it into a sunny, cozy & pastel filled dream home. The small spaces have been maximized by the use of modular storage. Not much room for any additional family members though so their freshly started Home Decorator company really needs to take off!

Info: Price: §37 013 (furnished) Apartment Size: 1 bed, 1 bath Location: 1313 21 Chic Street, Fashion District, San Myshuno

Used Packs:

EP’s: Get Together, City Living, Cats & Dogs, Seasons, Discover University, Eco Lifestyle, Snowy Escape GP’s: Outdoor Retreat, Spa Day, Dine Out, Vampires, Parenthood, Dream Home Decorator SP’s: Cool Kitchen, Movie Hangout, Backyard, Fitness, Laundry Day, Moschino, Tiny Living, Nifty Knitting, Paranormal Kits: Courtyard Oasis

Download at the Gallery: Origin ID - Allisasims or #Allisas Download Tray-files: Simfileshare

PS. Extra thanks to TwistedMexi for the wonderful T.O.O.L and Better BuildBuy mods which makes building a much more pleasant and fun experience! You can find these awesome mods here!

Some thoughts on the pack below the cut!

Dream Home Decorator thoughts:

I’ll confess right away and say that I haven’t had the time to try out the gameplay yet. I’ve been completely absorbed by the build/buy items and trying out different ways to combine them and their colors! So no thoughts on the gameplay from me but I have heard from others that it’s not super smooth and can be difficult to actually succeed with the gigs. 👀

The build/buy content then? It is so, so, so good! I love all the modular pieces and all the ways you can combine them and create built in storage or just more tailored storage units around TVs and in closets/entrances. The kitchens are also super nice but I’d loved to have them in more of the pastel colors that we get the different seating options in. The sectional sofas are to die for. I’ll use the one I used in this apartment all the time, I’m sure of it. I wish there was some more items for kids, as always, but I love more or less every single object that comes with this pack (minus two of the clunky deco pieces) so it’s almost forgiven. 😉

#the sims 4 #the sims 4 dream home decorator #ea game changers #sims 4 download #sims 4 lot

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youwerenevermeanttofeelalone · 3 years

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Some People Wrap Their Lies Around a Cocktail Glass | Damian Wayne

And You Sit Wondering Where You’re Going to Turn

✦ pairing — older!Damian Wayne x female!Plus Size Reader

✦ word count — 3.3k

✦ fake dating AU

✦ summary — you need to cover up the fact that your boyfriend broke up with you a week before your step-father’s Christmas party, and Damian needs a date for his father’s New Year’s ball. Both of you are experts at pretending, what could go wrong?

✦ warnings — some angst, mentions of food, Damian and reader are neighbors, a little bit of awkwardness, sprinkles of fluff.

✦ mini series masterlist

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Every time your phone buzzed, you hoped it was him. Such a naive and sick logic, one of a teenager waiting for her crush to text back, was nothing compared with the sobering truth.

Your ex-boyfriend was your ex for a reason. And you would have to face the music on your own.

Your mother was going to be disappointed. Not more than you were. Travis had been a good boyfriend, goofy and nice. He hadn’t been the gentlest person in the world, but you learned to accept that he wasn’t perfect.

You could have fallen for him if he had given you enough time.

Your cellphone rang and the fact that it hadn’t buzzed startled you. A handful of people called you instead of texting you, yet you didn’t have to look at the caller ID to know who it was.

That was your luck. What a horrible week. And it was only Monday noon.

Taking a deep breath, you nodded to yourself and swiped your finger against the screen to take the call. “How is everything going?” you softly greeted your mother.

She sighed. “I will be relieved when the planning is over.” She changed the subject, “Did your boyfriend clear his schedule?”

You breathed out a small laugh. “He did,” you lied. Not even sure if Travis had truly wanted to attend, you lied some more, “He’s excited to meet you.”

“We are excited too. Your uncle said he won’t believe it until he sees it.”

You and him both. As she told you about every guest she was skeptical about showing up, you mentally went through your list of feeble romantic relationships.

Jordan was in town, you had heard about them a few days ago. But asking them to be your date out of nowhere would be embarrassing when the last thing they knew about you was that you were happy in a new relationship.

Liam’s bright blue eyes came to your mind, and you almost had the answer. You hooked up a couple of times after breaking up, and you were friendly enough for you to feel comfortable telling him the truth. The problem was that your mother hated Liam.

The list continued getting shorter and shorter, your anxiety levels higher and higher. You shouldn’t have lied to your mother, but pride was a marvelous and twisted thing and you shared such a stupid little thing with her.

“Have you spoken to your father?” she asked, unbeknownst to her only adding to the pile of regrets and worries.

“Brianna said he’s out of town.”

Your mother grunted. It was clear that both of you knew Brianna had lied. “Well, you’ll see him for New Year’s.”

“I suppose, yes.”

She said your name sternly. “He’s your father.”

He didn’t act like he was. “He hasn’t called in weeks,” you explained. “I am not sure he wants to see me.”

”Your father is a busy man,” she told you. It was like a reflex to her, excusing him even though she had divorced him when you were eight.

Adults and their busy lives, wrapped in their lies and inane promises. You had really tried to be different, but caving in was too easy. What a mess.

“I have to leave you,” she lamented. You could hear that she meant it by the emotion that seeped into her voice. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Have a nice day,” you wished her, voice trembling as anxiety fully kicked in.

The moment the line clicked, you dropped your cellphone onto the sofa. Sniffing, you walked into your bedroom in search of a hair tie.

You needed to keep your hands busy so you could come up with something to say. Or somebody to date.

════════════════════════

Damian’s scrutinizing gaze greeted you as he opened the door. You analyzed his stance and attire, trying to assess whether you had interrupted anything or not.

He stepped back without taking his eyes off you, hand still on the door handle. His hair was damp, and he looked extremely comfortable, wearing a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt.

He would also have looked approachable if his eyes weren’t so sharp.

“Are you coming in or not?”

You reacted, extending your arms to offer a container to him. “I made cookies earlier.”

He looked down at the container in your grasp, then back up at your face. “Get inside.”

You stepped into Damian’s apartment, used to the minimalistic style that you secretly wished you had chosen for your own place.

At the same time, you liked your apartment. Your mother helped you decorate, and she had impeccable taste.

He placed the cookies onto the coffee table, motioning for you to sit.

Sitting down, you watched him do the same just in front of you. His gaze was still sharp, but he waited for you to speak.

When you didn’t, he said, “I know you bake when you’re stressed.”

“It calms me.”

“You baked a pie two days ago. In the middle of the night.”

“And it was good,” you said immediately. “Right?”

He nodded. “Delicious,” he assured you. “Yet I can’t help but worry.”

You gripped your hair, exhaling harshly. “Holiday stuff.”

“Did you finally come to terms with the fact that all those ornaments look awful?”

“They do not,” you said, quite offended. You had spent an entire weekend decorating the living room. Sighing at the memory of choosing Christmas decorations and ornaments with your now ex-boyfriend, you explained your problem, “Travis broke up with me this past Saturday, and I don’t know how to tell my mother.”

Confusion was clear in Damian’s features. You had expected a comment about how you could find someone better, but not this.

“He was going to attend Leonard’s Christmas party with me.”

Leonard was your step-father. Your mother married him when you were a pre-teen and since then you had never skipped one of his parties or events.

He was the only reason why your mother and you were rich, and your biological father hated you for choosing him.

Money hadn’t been the reason why you took a liking to Leonard, although having everything you wanted and needed was nice, but your father wouldn’t have understood even if he tried.

Damian lifted an eyebrow. You could tell he wished you were joking.

“Too soon, I know.”

“I’m just shocked you planned to take him from all people to such event.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You met him on a dating app and your first date was at a bar,” he reminded you as though that explained everything. Your semblance must’ve shown skepticism because he added, “You are not supposed to take somebody like him to your family’s house unless you hate your family.”

“A lot of people do that and their relationships succeed.”

Damian inhaled sharply, shaking his head. “Does Travis even own a suit?”

“I was going to buy him appropriate clothes, a matching tie, get him a haircut... He hates formal attire.”

“I thought you liked your step-father.”

“I do. That’s why I was finally going to take somebody with me so people wouldn’t ask him why I’m always single and make him uncomfortable.”

He hummed, nodding slowly. “So you wanted him to try and explain why his step-daughter was dating a bad boy caricature. Very reasonable.”

“First of all, some bad guys are attractive. Have you seen The Phantom of The Opera?”

“You didn’t just insult Erik’s skills like that,” he said, offended.

“I’m not comparing him to Travis. It was an example.”

“A poor one at that unless Travis smells as bad as Erik.”

You shook your head. Damian was exaggerating when he said Travis was a bad boy caricature — apart from the fact that he loved wearing leather and sometimes took part in street races, he was a normal guy.

“Besides,” he continued, always eager to be right, “a bad boy and a bad guy aren’t the same thing. I thought you were literate in media.”

It seemed like he would never let go of the fact that you had switched careers when film school got unbearable.

“The point is,” you tried to go back to the topic at hand, “that it could have worked.”

“If you say so,” he said sarcastically. “You didn’t tell me what is it that Leonard usually says when people ask about your love life.”

“That I’m focused on my career or that I like to keep my private life separate from big events.”

Leonard had always been nice to you. He never planned to have children of his own, yet he never complained about you. From the day you met, he tried to befriend you, and eventually, he started to treat you as a daughter. He never made you call him dad unlike your father’s third wife who cried when you refused to call her mom — he never forced you to do anything.

Damian offered you a cookie, but you shook your head and he motioned for you to continue speaking as he took a cookie for himself.

“I lied to my mother earlier and I don’t know what I’m going to do or say, but I would rather eat my own foot than tell her my boyfriend chose to break up with me a week before the day he was supposed to meet her.”

Damian bit into the cookie, and you waited for a comment about how good or bad it was. He stared at you, brow twitching, before he once again made a movement with his hand so you would continue talking.

He knew you too well for your own good. And he also seemed to know that leaving you alone with your mind wasn’t such a good idea when you were in distress.

“I considered calling up an escort and have them pretend to be my partner, but I’m nervous,” you admitted, dropping your hands onto your lap for a second before moving them to rest on the couch, one at each of your sides. “What if that ruins it even more? Such a waste of money. And the embarrassment…”

He silently chewed, eyes focused on you. As he swallowed, he pinched his nose with his free hand. “I’ll do it.”

“You want to pay for the escort?”

Unamused, he clarified, “I’ll pretend to be your boyfriend.”

“I can’t ask that from you, Damian. You have your own events to attend! You said you would spend the holidays at your father’s house.”

He stayed silent, not taking his eyes off you. He then licked his bottom lip and said, “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll be your sweet and loving boyfriend in front of your family and Leonard’s acquaintances, and you’ll be my mysterious and charming girlfriend in front of my family and my father’s acquaintances.”

His offer was reasonable. Pretending was easy for you, meaningless. Leonard and your mother were always clear when they asked you to dress in certain ways or attend boring events — they weren’t expecting you to change, just to fool other people into thinking you were different.

They did the same, and that was enough for you.

Leonard’s smile was fake and tight in public when the only thing you could think about the smiles he gave you around the house was how warm they were.

Your mother was the opposite. You had seen her the happiest with Leonard, but she had always been rather cold as a person. In public, she was a lovely woman, always smiling and laughing.

“We can’t be in two places at once.”

“Father doesn’t celebrate Christmas publicly,” he explained blandly. “You just need to buy a new gown and cancel your plans for New Year’s.”

“For your father’s annual ball?”

“Exactly.”

“I can do that,” you assured him. Or yourself.

That night, as you stepped back into your apartment, you couldn’t help but make a face of disgust.

The ornaments were truly awful. You had gone overboard with everything — at the moment it had felt so good, laughing and drinking with Travis as you filled the living room with colors.

But that wasn’t your style. You didn’t even like colored Christmas lights.

════════════════════════

Despite your best efforts, you couldn’t keep yourself from being nervous. The last time you took somebody to one of Leonard’s big parties had been awkward and uncomfortable, a high school boyfriend who was too eager to impress your family.

Everybody understood because teen relationships usually are awkward and over-the-top. Now you wouldn’t have an excuse, you were an adult with a job and so-called social skills.

The first one was spot on. You had a job, you loved your job — and you didn’t need a job so you never felt pressured.

Your social skills, however, worried you. It was the anxiety playing tricks with your confidence, you knew, yet you couldn’t do anything but indulge it.

A part of you wondered if you would be this nervous if Travis was the one accompanying you. Perhaps you would be in a worse estate, or perhaps he wouldn’t have allowed you to worry.

But you didn’t have time to think about the what if’s. The party would take place the next day.

Time had flown by, you had been busy buying gifts and attempting to wrap them while balancing work and your friends’ own Christmas celebrations.

As though he knew you were a ball of nerves, curled up on the couch with a blanket over your shoulders and hands around your fourth —or was it the fifth?— cup of coffee that evening, Damian knocked upon your door.

You weren’t surprised to see him. He had said you would need to go through a few details before Leonard’s party.

You had barely interacted with Damian throughout the week, but he had assured you he was ready. He even sent you a picture of the tie he bought for the party, wanting to make sure the color was the right one.

His eyes scanned the living room as he made himself comfortable. He didn’t make a comment about the new ornamentation, but the fact that he hadn’t scowled was a good sign.

“I assumed you would be baking in preparation.”

“I’m not that stressed.” You folded the blanket and rested it onto the arm of the couch. “Can I offer you something to drink? Water, coffee, tea, alcohol...”

He shook his head. “Thank you. So, you don’t bake for your family?”

“Oh! I do, but on other occasions. Birthdays, anniversaries...” You sighed, shrugging. “Private things.”

A few times your mother had encouraged you to bake your father a birthday cake, but he rarely spent his birthday in town so that was even rarer.

“Have you already made our story up?”

“I suppose we should stick to the truth for the most part. Neighbors, then friends, and then...”

“Are you going to awkwardly tell your mother you’re dating me or are you just messing with me?”

”it’s hard for me to lie to my mother,” you explained, abashed. “It’s even worse if I have her in front of me.”

Damian stood up and opened an arm. “Come here.”

“I don’t need you to comfort me.”

He scoffed. “I’m not trying to comfort you. Come.”

You stood in front of him, looking down at his hand. “You want me to take it?”

“No. Well, perhaps...” He pensively looked at your form. “We have never been close physically.”

It had escaped you that you would need to touch him in order for your relationship to be believable. “So we’re going to practice.”

He hummed. “I’ll have my arm around you for most of the night,” he emphasized.

You stood beside him, expecting him to rest his arm behind your neck. Damian placed his palm on your upper back first, tentative.

His hand slowly slid up, tracing your shoulder blade. As he wrapped his arm around both your shoulders, he grunted.

Turning to look at him, you asked, “What?”

“It’s rather awkward to walk around in this position.”

“Okay,” you breathed out. “So?”

He slanted his head to face you. “Waist or hip?”

You considered the question, thinking about the way your dress would fall down your body. “Which one do you think would look better?”

“I have no clue.”

At least he was honest. Moving his hand off your shoulder, you lightly took it in your grasp. “Let’s stand in front of the mirror.”

Damian didn’t withdraw his hand from yours as you guided him into your bedroom. He curiously stared at the walls, quickly glancing at everything his eyes could fall onto.

He knew so much yet so little about you... you were friends, yes, and he trusted you with things he had never even imagined he would say out loud. At the same time, he was still getting used to his new life.

It wasn’t drastically different, but it was freeing in ways he never expected. With his new life came you, and he was astonished over the fact that you hadn’t met before when you had been forced to frequent the same places. Your presence was refreshing — welcomed from the very beginning.

Damian blinked rapidly. Getting reflective over being at a friend’s bedroom for the first time was new, too.

Standing in front of the mirror, you let go of his hand. Damian surrounded your body with his arm, delicately resting his hand on your waist.

“Is that okay?” he asked, watching you through the mirror as you shifted.

“Yeah. You can lower your hand if you want.”

He did so, pressing his palm against your hip.

“I think,” you mumbled, “your hand on my hip accentuates my stomach a little too much.”

He slowly trailed his hand upward, stopping at your waist once again. “Like that?” he asked in a whisper.

“Like that,” you agreed.

The two of you stood there for a long moment, facing your reflections. You moved first, and regretted it as the temperature changed over your form.

You hadn’t realized Damian’s body was that warm.

Sitting down on your bed, you followed his movements with your eyes as he sat on your vanity’s chair.

“Speak your mind,” he commanded.

“What if Leonard doesn’t believe... us?”

“I believe he has attended a few of my father’s celebrations.” He was stiff as he spoke. “But,” he added, “I have never crossed paths with him.”

“At least he doesn’t hate you.”

“Has he hated people you’ve taken to his parties?”

“Mmmmh...” You tilted your head as you made yourself comfortable by crisscrossing your legs. “Not to one of his parties per se, but he hated the boyfriend I had in college. They had met before.”

Damian’s eyebrows shot up. “You only had one boyfriend in college?”

“No,” you laughed as you confessed, “but my family only met one.”

“I’m more worried about your mother.” He tried to be nonchalant as he said it, but it sounded like a confession too.

But you weren’t. Damian was easy to like. You would have worried if he had to meet your father — he always seemed to think the opposite your mother did. Your father would have told you not to date somebody more attractive than you, or mocked you for supposedly dating a rich guy too.

“Don’t mention her age and everything will go smoothly.”

“I honestly can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

You shrugged. “Just to be safe, assume I am not.”

He huffed a laugh, mouth twinging before he sighed.

As he stood up, you did too. Damian looked at the time just to be sure that he had to leave already and said, “I should let you get some sleep and get some rest of my own.”

Agreeing, you silently walked him towards the door. You wanted to thank him for doing this, ask if he was sure he was willing to not only do this for you but trust you with returning the favor.

Words didn’t come out of you. They did from him. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Yeah, you would see him in the morning for what would probably be one of the longest days of your life.

#damian wayne x reader #damian wayne x plus size reader #damian wayne

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elitegymnastics · 3 years

Photo

Q: What is this?

A: It’s a flyer for a virtual fundraiser on June 4th that Elite Gymnastics is playing. You can access the show at quietyear.com

Q: Hasn’t Elite Gymnastics been inactive for like, ten years?

A: Yes. This is the first Elite Gymnastics performance of any kind since November 30th 2012, at the Horn Gallery at Kenyon College in Gambier, Ohio.

Q: Why did Elite Gymnastics stop playing shows?

A: Elite Gymnastics started out as me (Jaime) and a bunch of my friends agreeing to help me play my songs live back in 2009. I made a lot of weird demos in GarageBand and my friend Dominique Davis from the band Dearling Physique got tired of watching me sit on them. So, he booked me to play at a show he was curating as part of a small local music and arts festival called Clapperclaw. For several months that’s mainly what EG was. At some point the focus shifted to making recordings rather than playing shows, to participate in the emergent culture of new music distributed via MP3 file-sharing. The lineup winnowed to just me and Josh Clancy, who began creating digital EPs that we posted on this Tumblr page as ZIP files full of MP3s accompanied by a PDF of artwork. This is the incarnation of the group that most people are familiar with.

This was before Patreon existed. If Bandcamp was around, we’d never heard of it. Though MP3 file-sharing culture and file transfer sites like MediaFire and MegaUpload allowed anyone to distribute music freely across the world via the internet, it was still pretty difficult to get people to pay you for it. I think it was for this reason that a lot of internet music back then featured a lot of sampling. A lot of artists’ first forays into the world of DAWs and production took the form of mash-ups, bootleg remixes, and DJ mixes. Artists like Animal Collective, MIA, Kanye West, and Daft Punk for whom sampling was a pillar of their creative process were extremely influential. Elite Gymnastics was no exception - the first song of ours to gain traction online was “Is This On Me?” which made no attempt to hide the fact that it heavily sampled Faye Wong’s “Eyes On Me.” The fact that it was so difficult to make money off MP3s pushed people to make different creative decisions than they would have otherwise. It was sort of a free-for-all.

Eventually, all of this started to change. The major labels started getting a lot more aggressive about trying to destroy MP3 file-sharing culture. Platforms like MegaUpload were raided and taken offline. The replacements that sprung up to replace them were increasingly infested with ads and malware. Corporate platforms like YouTube and SoundCloud adopted Content ID filters to prevent the proliferation of copyrighted music there. Blogs and private torrent trackers being taken down meant thousands of hours of labor were wiped out in an instant. Some of the best archives of the history of recorded music ever created were destroyed without hesitation. Even the most devoted participants lost the will to keep repairing and re-making the stuff that cops and record companies kept obliterating.

Josh and I both dreamed of being able to make a living as musicians. We still do. Back then, we were willing to accept a lot of changes in order to make that possible, which seemed necessary. A lot of the stuff that we were great at just didn’t make any money. Once, we were asked to do a remix of a song called “Sa Sa Samoa” by the band Korallreven. I did the remix by myself, which was normal for us, and Josh was so inspired by it that he spent a week working non-stop to create a video for it. People loved it - the day the video dropped, Pitchfork designated the song as a “Best New Track” and New York Magazine wrote about it in their “Approval Matrix.” The video led to a ton of exposure, but from a financial perspective, it just did not make sense to put that much effort into promoting a remix of someone else’s song. The stuff we were personally excited by just seemed to have less and less to do with what actually makes money.

A lot of internet bands during this era began to palpably shapeshift in an effort to succeed in music as a career. Artists who’d first attracted notice for sample-based bangers they made on a laptop started posing with vintage hardware in their press photos and trading in their laptops for live bands and recording studios. It became harder to distribute DJ mixes or mash-ups that contained copyrighted music in them. Influential bloggers either closed up shop or were absorbed into the traditional music industry in some way. Feeds that once touted bizarre songs by laptop-toting weirdos with no industry connections started to become populated mostly by artists with labels and publicists. The bottom rungs of festival lineups started to consist mostly of new major label signings who have lots of money to spend on stage production but not much in the way of grassroots fan enthusiasm or media buzz.

Internet music and what people tend to refer to as “indie music” split off into two separate streams. Today, there’s a pretty intense firewall between internet culture and whatever you want to call the culture of vinyl records, mid-sized indie labels with publicists, and positive reviews from the few remaining websites that still pay people to write about music. I call it “publicist indie,” “lifestyle techno,” or “prestige electronica” depending on whether or not the music features guitars and/or vocals. The recent online kerfuffle about NFTs really emphasized this split. The worlds of digital illustration and game development campaigned aggressively against mass adoption of cryptocurrency - if you saw any Medium posts explaining crypto’s environmental issues, chances are they were written by someone from those fields. Every new announcement by an artist that they had minted an NFT was met with a swift and vocal backlash from fans. Though I’ve never really been much of an Aphex Twin fan, it was still pretty startling to look at the replies under his NFT announcement tweet and see hundreds of furious people announcing that he was now dead to them. That’s an artist who has seemed more or less unimpeachable for most of my life up until this point! All of that seemed to change in an instant.

There is a massive disconnect between the insular world of the industry establishment and the cutting edge of online counterculture. We saw this again a couple of weeks ago with the online response to the crisis in Gaza. We saw passionate advocacy for Palestinians from games journalists and developers much more often than we saw it from musicians. This is a very serious problem for music! I do not believe it is possible to please both sides - that is to say, I do not believe it is possible to be part of internet counterculture and the industry establishment simultaneously. The music industry is too conservative, too compromised, too corrupt. If it weren’t for the ocean of valuable copyrights that labels are sitting on, most of them would be bankrupt within a year. If the industry was forced to live or die based on how they handle what’s happening right now in the present, it would most assuredly die. The only people who don’t realize this are those who are being paid to stay ignorant.

Josh and I did not know this back then. From where we were standing, it looked like internet culture and established media industries were on track to converge. A career in the arts seemed genuinely, tantalizingly possible, right up until the moment that it no longer did.

In my case, I had really been struggling up until that point. My life had been this ongoing sequence of evictions and hospitalizations, and it seemed to be getting worse, not better. I donated plasma twice a week to pay for groceries and while I was sitting there with a giant needle stuck in my left arm for an hour I would see my picture in The Fader or my songs being recommended by one of the Kings of Leon on Twitter or whatever. Music seemed like the only thing the world thought I was any good at. It felt like my only chance at a peaceful, happy life was somewhere out there in a world I could only perceive through a laptop screen.

Gender, for me, was a big factor in all of this. The more invested in the craft of songwriting I became, the harder it was to repress or ignore my gender stuff. At that time I’m not sure I even knew what the word “transgender” meant - I just knew that when I showed up at a venue wearing a skirt, no one would talk to me or look me in the eye, and that reading about people like Anohni or Terre Thaemlitz or on the internet made me feel like if I could get out of Minneapolis maybe I could find a place where people would accept me. The internet was like, a pretty toxic place for someone in my position. When I tried to find people to talk to about what I was feeling, nobody tried to tell me to read Judith Butler or ask me what pronouns I preferred. The internet was just like, overrun with predators who just wanted to fetishize me and exploit me. Music seemed like the only way I’d ever have an actual life as myself. I was desperate for that. I was well and truly desperate.

Between all the big changes that were happening to us individually and the music industry moving farther and farther away of the anarchic free-for-all of MP3 file-sharing culture, the strain on us just got to be too much. We stopped trusting each other. We became the unstoppable force and the immovable object, crashing haphazardly against one another’s resolve in a dazzling display of youthful futility. Our partnership ended, and after finishing out the remaining live shows on the calendar by myself, I retired the name “Elite Gymnastics” and started making music on my own under other names. That was that.

Q: Why is Elite Gymnastics coming back now, then?

A: Over the years, Josh and I eventually started talking again. Though there was a lot we did agree on, and potential future projects were discussed, nothing truly felt right. We haven’t been in the same room since Summer 2012, and we’ve both changed a lot since then. We both have other projects and we’ve both developed other ways of working since we stopped working together. It’s a pretty big commitment to put all of that aside in order to join your fortunes together with someone you haven’t seen in a decade.

Recently, Josh decided to leave Elite Gymnastics. His reasons are his own, and I was very surprised by his decision, but after having had time to adjust, I’m really grateful to him. I had kept these songs at a distance for many years, because it seemed foolish to allow myself to get too attached to songs I didn’t feel like I was allowed to think of as mine, if that makes any sense. The songs felt like casualties of a conflict that I had to bury in the ground and try to forget about. Being able to embrace them again felt like re-growing a severed limb or having a loved one come back to life, almost. Feeling like it was safe to love these songs again made me feel whole in a way I didn’t expect to. I became really excited by the prospect of revisiting them, so that’s what I decided to do.

Q: Does this mean you’re going to put RUIN back on Spotify?

A: No. Taking the record off Spotify was the right thing to do. That record was only ever intended to exist during the era of MP3 piracy. I never envisioned a world where the music industry would be so aggressive about policing the way that copyrighted music is allowed to exist online. If we hadn’t opted to take the record down when we did, someone would inevitably have forced us to. If you want to hear those specific recordings again, you’re going to have to do it the way we originally intended: by downloading MP3 files from the internet. Try SoulSeek.

Q: What’s next for Elite Gymnastics, then?

A: Here’s the situation currently. There is no Elite Gymnastics music available to stream or purchase in an official capacity anywhere on the internet. It wouldn’t really be possible for me to put the old stuff on Spotify or Bandcamp now because of all the samples. Like I said before, it was a different time. Those records were created to thrive on a past version of the internet that no longer exists. They weren’t designed to be compatible with the 2021 internet.

Technically, Elite Gymnastics didn’t ever release a debut album. We had EPs, a compilation, and a remix collection. We didn’t make an album, a record that existed as the distillation of all that experimentation that contained all of the songs that fans of the EPs would want to hear, all in one place. It’s like we did Good Fridays but stopped before we made My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.

So, I am currently working on the first Elite Gymnastics album. If you were following my stuff as Default Genders, you may have noticed me posting demos on my SoundCloud page from 2015-2018 that were all eventually reworked into the album Main Pop Girl 2019. The album I am making is taking that approach to all the old EG songs, including some unreleased stuff. I’m collaborating with others on some songs and I honestly feel like it has resulted in some of the best and most exciting music I have ever been involved with. It is a drastic reinvention, but iteration and reinvention have always been a big part of what I do. I want to make something that feels like the culmination of everything that came before, and so far, I think I’m succeeding.

Q: When will I be able to hear this new music?

At a virtual fundraiser on June 4th, 2021, where there is a suggested donation of $10. You can access it at quietyear.com

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theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin · 3 years

Note

ohh i saw your answer about the sequels of star wars. id love to read you tear through the whole trilogy

Well, I’ve avoided this ask long enough. Part of the reason is this is really a huge topic, far too much for one ask, so I’m going to have to do this at a very high level.

In short, the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy is what one gets when you slap together the goal of selling merchandise and making tons of money, being as risk averse as humanly possible, adding a handful of warring directors with incredibly different visions, and having virtually no imagination when it comes to the imagining and writing of characters.

And we get this beautiful, awful, franchise that for reasons beyond me people seem to actually like (though interestingly, no one seems to like all of it, they may actually like one or two of the films, but no one says all three are actually in any realm of good).

With that, let’s begin.

The Force Awakens

For me this is easily the most tolerable of the sequel trilogy: it’s not great, it’s not terrible. It’s thoroughly watchable, you can be taken along for the movie’s journey and not raise your eyebrows too much at the action and leave the theater feeling this maybe wasn’t a complete waste of your time.

There’s a good reason for that. That reason is called the most blatant form of plagiarism I have ever seen in cinema in my life.

“The Force Awakens” is just “A New Hope” wearing a mustache. Only, it’s one of those cheap mustaches you get from a party store that, if you stare at it too long, just looks like the most false and awful thing you’ve ever seen. The mustache actively makes it worse. “The Force Awakens” is “A New Hope”, but worse.

Seriously, every major character, every major plot point, every major scene I can go directly back to “A New Hope”.

Our story begins when the Resistance, at great cost to our valiant heroes including torture at the hands of the Emperor’s second in command, sends a file out into the wilderness to be received by his people. This file contains plans for the Death Star.

The film then focuses on Luke, er Rey, getting involved in the Resistance, boarding the Death Star, and successfully destroying at the same time even at the lost of a beloved mentor that she just met (trading in Obi-Wan for Han Solo).

Our evil empire is run by an evil emperor who is so evil he sits in a chair, is served by very Moth Tarkin-esque human storm troopers, and has a second in command who revels in the Darth Vader get up (for no other reason that it makes him feel cool but we’ll get into this).

It’s “A New Hope”. Rey is Luke, Han Solo is Obi-Wan, Poe is a kind of Han Solo, Kylo Ren is Vader, Snoke is Palpatine, Hux is Tarkin, BB-8 is R2-D2, etc.

“But that’s not terrible,” you say, “I liked A New Hope?”

First, it is terrible, it gives a very bad sign of where the sequel trilogy is headed and is just lazy writing. It means that those who produced this franchise were so terrified of taking risks, of possibly ending up mocked as the prequels were, that they will deliver exactly what the original trilogy was. And what’s that? Uh, evil empires, scrappy desert kids, AND MORE DEATH STARS!

That brings us to point number two, the world of Star Wars after the events of the original trilogy shouldn’t support such things. And, if it does, my god what a bleak existence this place has turned into.

The First Order being able to rise easily from the Empire’s remains means that Luke accomplished nothing. Anakin sacrificed himself and had his moment of redemption for nothing. There was no happy ending to the Original Trilogy, our heroes failed miserably, and there is no indication that our new band of heroes can possibly succeed in their place. (More on this as the movies progress).

We now are in a galaxy where this new Republic is so pathetic that Leia doesn’t even give it the time of day and builds her own private army to battle the Empire. The First Order is able to not only rebuild a massive army by raiding villages on many different worlds and stealing children and do so successfully for at least ten years but is able to build a Death Star bigger than any we’ve ever seen before.

And the movie tries to convince us these are completely new problems, that Luke Skywalker is a hero (remember this is TFA, not TLJ yet), and that somehow these things just sprung up out of nowhere. BUT YEAH, RESISTANCE, WOO!

As for Rey, she’s like... a worse version of Luke. Her only motivation through the entire series is her trauma at being abandoned by her parents. That’s it, there’s nothing else to her, nothing else she ever wants or feels conflicted by. She struggles with the dark side because... the dark side? Genetics? Unclear? She’s absurdly, ridiculously, powerful in a way that’s acknowledged but never that acknowledged (we’ll get into this) and the movies just fail to sell me on her in any way.

Honestly, an easy fix for me would have just been making Rey a much younger character. I could believe a fourteen-year-old having stayed in the desert, scrounging for scraps, believing her parents are coming back every day now. As a twenty-something year old... It starts getting hard to believe she never left. (Also, this gets the benefit of getting rid of Reylo, which is always a plus for me).

As for Kylo Ren, I legitimately walked out of TFA thinking he was supposed to be comic relief. He’s what happens when someone desperately wants a likable, redeemable, villain and we get... Well, as a reminder his opening scene is one of genocide: he pillages and destroys a town with no regret and brutally tortures a man for information. We’re told he’s like this “because evil evil Snoke” and that may well be but throughout the film (and the series) it becomes clear that Kylo Ren’s main motivation is he deseprately wants to be cool. He wants to be a badass like Vader, he dresses in Vader cosplay (either ignoring or not knowing that Vader only dressed like that because his body was completely destroyed), he has these huge temper tantrums and nobody respects him because he’s a toddler in a Vader suit.

He murders his own father, his parents who (at least in the films themselves) show every willingness to take him back and forgive him what he’s done, so that he can fully embrace his own “evilness”. In other words, he commits patricide to feel cool about himself, then it doesn’t work.

And the movie series really banks on me feeling conflicted about Kylo Ren or at least wanting him to be redeemed. Granted, the wider internet seems to love him, I just can’t.

Oh, before I forget, the other thing I love about Kylo Ren is that the movies insist he’s a) strong in the Force b) is equal to Rey. Rey consistently beats the shit out of him with 0 training. Kylo Ren has been training in the Force for years. Guys, they are not a Dyad, Rey is far far far stronger than he is and for whatever reason the films never want to admit it. Because I guess we like things coming in pairs now.

But yes, “The Force Awakens”, at a distance not great nor terrible, but a rip off of a movie we’ve already seen that left me going “Welp, the next one’s probably The Empire Strikes Back then I guess we’re getting Ewoks”. I was sort of right on that and sort of wrong.

The Last Jedi

So, JJ Abrams clearly had a vision of where he wanted this sequel trilogy to go. He set up these big questions such as what’s up with Finn, who are Rey’s parents and why was she left on this nowhere planet, will Kylo Ren be redeemed and how, who is Snoke, etc.

Now, I’m not saying these aren’t stupid questions. To be frank, they kind of are. Finn being Force Sensitive was the most inconsequential thing I’ve ever heard of, Rey’s parents should not have been used to drive the plot the way it was, as spoken above I’m clearly team gut Kylo Ren, and that Snoke was actually just Palpatine being the world’s largest cockroach is a beautiful but hilarious answer.

That said, what Johnson did was he decided, “You know what, I’m going to take every trope of Star Wars and completely flip it on its head and absolutely doom the sequel to this movie.”

And by god, he did.

We get a weirdly pointless movie in which Poe, SINGLEHANDEDLY, completely obliterates the Resistance. He first obliterates their bombers by failing to follow command, then goes and bitches about how he’s not put in command when he clearly shows no ability to understand how a military works, actively subverts orders which in turn obliterates the entire Resistance fleet until the only survivors can fit on the Millenium Falcon. They have no ships, no weapons, barely any people, and are ultimately doomed doomed doomed.

We have Finn’s weird subplot with a suddenly introduced character Rose in which the pair aid in Poe’s blowing up the resistance (they send sensitive information using the communication equipment of a guy they do not know, who fully admits to being shady and out for his own skin, and are flabergasted when he betrays them).

Rose herself is this weirdly sweet person who seems forced into the plot to a) provide a love triangle for Finn and Rey b) provide this forced sunny outlook that I didn’t really need in the film.

We get Rey never really being trained, going into the Cave of Wonders for a few seconds, falling in love with Kylo Ren over weird Force Skype calls (where I did not need to see him shirtless, thank you film) and being horrifically betrayed when Kylo Ren turns out not to be a great guy. Never saw that coming, Rey.

As for Kylo Ren, well... God, we get Emperor Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren, the Emperor. I’m not even that upset about the anticlimactic murder of Snoke (that was kind of funny, especially in the context of Palpatine going, “Bitch, please, you’re in my chair” immediately in the next film) but just Kylo Ren being emperor. And also that the Resistance only escapes at all because he’s so dumb he made their dumb plans seem smart (i.e. concentrates all his firepower on an illusion for ten minutes while Hux goes, “Emperor, sir, we could actually destroy the Resistance right now.”

Now, you’ll notice I didn’t complain about Luke. A lot of people are upset he became a grumpy, miserable, old hermit who sits around waiting for death. Frankly though, in this universe, that’s exactly where he is. He left “Return of the Jedi” thinking he’d saved the world, he’s resurrected the Jedi Order, and all is well. Only a decade later, his students are all murdered by his nephew, the Empire’s back, and he accomplished nothing. He’s an utter failure as a Jedi (though Luke never realizes he knew jack shit about the Jedi Order and was in way over his head but I guess that’s beyond him). Why shouldn’t he go sit on a rock and wait to die?

Now, did he have to drink that blue dinosaur milk? Well, I guess it was funny, gross but funny so... Sure, I guess he did. But I do like that he gave Rey 0 training, they had one meditation session and then he whined about how Obi-Wan was such a stupid asshole. And then Rey ran off to be with her boyfriend, who then told her that her parents were gutter trash (which again, was funny, but I don’t think that was supposed to be funny).

Of the characters introduced in the movie, the only one I really liked was the hacker, and it was for the actor/the beautiful way in which he gracefully exited stage left with zero shame going, “You all knew I was going to betray you!” You beautiful man, you.

Rise of the Skywalker

First, when something is called “Rise of the Skywalker” you know you’re in for a rough time.

But anyways, TLJ was filled with a controversy Disney didn’t want (half their audience hated it, half loved it, but at least they sold those penguin dolls) so they desperately get Abrams back. Only, what he clearly wanted from his series has been shot to hell, and now he’s left with Emperor Kylo Ren, a completely obliterated Resistance, a dead Luke, a love interest he never planned to introduce for Finn, Rey’s parental crisis being solved with trash people, Snoke just suddenly dead, Hux planning revenge, and then some.

And so, Abrams goes the brave and hilarious route of shouting “PRETEND THAT LAST MOVIE NEVER HAPPENED”

We open to a fully functioning Resistance (their bomber fleet is back, their fleet period is back, they have all their fully trained personnel). We have Rey getting the Jedi training she needed this time from Leia, who is now a Jedi, because yay feminism rammed down my throat to make the audience feel better. Rose says “It’s cool guys, I don’t want to join the adventure this film, I’m going to stay here and work on robots” so that she can gracefully exit the entire plot. Kylo Ren is demoted from Emperor in two seconds when we discover that a) Snoke was apparently Palpatine b) for unexplained reasons Palpatine’s alive (and I am now convinced that man will never die). Kylo Ren tells Rey at the first opportunity that he lied about her trash parents AND REALLY SHE’S A PALPATINE! THIS WHOLE TIME, REY! THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. I’M SUPER SERIAL THIS TIME, REY.

Basically, in the course of an overly long movie, Abrams desperately shoves in everything he was trying to get out of the series, while sobbing, and sobbing even harder when things like Finn being Force Sensitive or Lando having a secret daughter get caught. I actually agree with the Producers on this, by the way, the Finn trying to tell Rey something scenes were weird and indicative of a love triangle but him being Force Sensitive instead... It says a lot that the movies did not change when it was removed, at all. And Lando was just this strange cameo who was in the film to make us feel nostalgic.

And this isn’t even getting to the ridiculous 24 hour time limit (which made me think there should have been some video game style clock in the corner letting us know when Dawn of the Third Day is coming), Palpatine’s other secret army on a secret Sith planet that can be easily taken down by taking out one navigation tower, Rey’s hilarious struggle with the dark side in which she has a vision of herself in a cape hissing, Kylo Ren’s hilarious redemption in which the movie in the form of Leia and Han Solo says, “Alright, Ben, it’s time to stop being evil” and he says “okay”, the fight with Palpatine in which I’m supposed to believe he dies for reals because... I have no idea why I’m supposed to believe he’s dead. The Reylo, god the Reylo, and Kylo Ren’s tragic, hilarious, death.

And then, of course, the ending where Rey decides she’s a Skywalker now.

I actually did laugh all the way through “Rise of the Skywalker”, you can’t not, I mean it’s a hilariously awful movie. The only thing that might have made it more hilarious was if we actually did get those Ewoks.

TL;DR

They’re all bad movies, if you want more specifics than this, you’re just going to have to ask me questions.

#ask #anon #anti star wars sequels #anti rey #anti kylo ren #anti reylo #ah what beautiful awful movies #i look foward to the characters being shocked and appalled when yet another evil empire arises in five years #i look forward to them being even more shocked when palpatine's still not dead #that man will never die

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yvainegelinemarie · 3 years

Text

The bois tell MC how proud they are of your hardwork and they see you giving your all!!

𝚨𝖇𝖔𝖚𝖙 𝖒𝖞 𝖜𝖗𝖎𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌: ✨ ALL my writing prompts are gender inclusive and promote love, kindness and fun for all!

✨I know that each and every one of our boys would love and support each and everyone of you and I hope that my readings portray that comforting, accepting and loving nature through and through~

✨And with that I hope you Spookies enjoy~~

☪ 𝕱𝖆𝖓𝖉𝖔𝖒: Mr. Love Queen’s Choice

☪ 𝕽𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌:13+ No Warnings, Fluff, Encouraging, A Pick Me Up.

☪ 𝕱𝖔𝖗𝖒𝖆𝖙 : Quick Read, bullet points

𝚨𝖚𝖙𝖍𝖔𝖗'𝖘 𝚴𝖔𝖙𝖊: I have been feeling kind of low and crummy these past few days trying really hard to put myself out there to chase after a dream of mine and I wasn’t expecting to be really hit hard with so many highs and lows and when it seems like you are stepping out of your comfort zone and facing your biggest fears at 90 to nothing there are a lot of times that you just need to crawl into someone's arms and to just let them tell you that you are good enough and that they see you working hard.

So for anyone else who has been trenching through this tough year and trying out new things that may scare you half to death, I want you to know that your favorite boy see’s you kicking ass and that he’s well, proud of you.

Even if you have one particular boy as your go to I suggest checking them all out since each of them have different types of encouragement of different types of situations. Or at least read the one you feel like fits what you need to hear the most right now (and well, of course your fav.)

VICTOR | CH03 | 0 : 00 : 01

✨For those who are struggling with reaching their dreams✨

Hell knows when was the last time you have had a good night's sleep.

You couldn’t help but to be on your toes now glued to your computer screen in your darkened bedroom.

Completely unaware of the sun slowly creeping its way through the blinds.

This project was something you had only dreamed about producing years ago,

and in 3 days it was going to be launched to the public. You have done plenty of projects before but never something as passionate and as close to home as this one was.

This project was taking out a deeper side of you that you have never shown before and deep down you knew that it was time for you to express it. But that doesn’t mean you didn’t spend the last 4 months terrified of the outcome.

Your tired eyes reread the entry over and over again as each time you only feel your heart grow more and more anxious and your eyes fill up with tears. Can I really share this with the world? What if people think that this is all fake? Will I really be able to accept the criticism?

With your mind running on it’s own you missed your phone vibrating next to you. You had already received 3 miss calls from Victor in just the last 30 minutes.

It wasn’t until the ding of the voicemail that you snapped back to reality.

Sliding your lock screen open and taking in a deep breath, ready for whatever lecture Victor was going to throw at you next.

In the Voicemail Victor’s voice opened with a deep sigh. “You better not be asleep, especially after you promised to have breakfast with me this morning. I’ll be arriving at your apartment in 20 minutes, you better be ready du-”

His words were cut off when you were startled by your phone ringing again, seeing victor’s name pop up on the caller ID. You quickly glanced down at the time on the voicemail that was sent 23 minutes ago?! Why did your phone just now decide to remind you?! You knew now from Victor’s call that it meant that he had arrived and you, racoon eyed, sleep deprived and still in your clothes from the day before felt a rush of tears swell up in your throat.

You were so focused on this project that you completely forgot about something that you were looking forward to so excitedly just a few months ago.

You answered Victor’s call and brought the phone to your ear. “Dummy, don’t tell me that you just now woke up?” Victor said in his usual stern and playful tone. You choked on your tears before letting out a little hic. “I-I’m sorry…” You said brokenly as you heard the sound of shuffling, the click of Victor’s seat belt unbuckling and the slam of his car door followed by a soft beep indicating him locking it. “Why are you crying?” His voice instantly became concerned as he was quickly heading into your apartment complex.

“I-I don’t want to talk about it...it’s silly.”

“Nothing is silly if it’s making you cry so early in the morning. When I get to your apartment, tell me what is bothering you.” He said bluntly, leaving you no room to make excuses like always. Even in times like this Victor was sure that he was going to effectively fix your problem.

When he arrived at your apartment you slowly opened the door with your head hung down low as you looked just like you did moments before, sniffling softly.

Victor gently put his hand on yours causing you to open the door quickly before embracing you in a hug as his soft, deep voice tickled your ear. “Dummy, don’t tell me you stayed up all night working?” He said as you hugged his suit jacket tightly, feeling his heartbeat against yours, his was a bit more fast paced. He must have been really worried, you thought before he let out a large sigh. “You always do this,” his soft voice continued. “Working all day and all night when your projects are close to the end. I know that you want to make sure that everything is right...but i've told you this before, there is no need to bear all of this on your own. Let me know when you are stressed.”

You squeezed his jacket lightly as you looked up at him, tears streaming down his face. “You don’t get it Victor. “Someday I want to be just as great as you. I want to be hardworking, successful, a-and I want to be proud of what I do. I want you to be proud of me too.” Your voice sunk as your hands slipped off his large back to rub your tired eyes.

Victor let out a deep sigh before lifting your face up to his.

“Dummy, you think I got to become this successful overnight? And just because I am good at handling my money doesn’t mean that I am good at everything. After all, I didn’t check up on you enough or tell you how great you really are.”

“What do you mean?” You questioned before getting cut off by a smooth and minty kiss as Victor’s lips warmed yours. He pulled away slowly as his silvered eyes observed yours intensely. “You are already great ____. And the only way for you to get better is to have confidence in yourself. As long as you are doing everything in your power to succeed, then you will. That and I am already very proud of you dummy, so you should be proud of you too.”

Your eyes lit up widely as you were left at a loss for words. Victor was complimenting you! “I-” You didn’t have much time to speak before you were swept up into his arms and led over to your bed as your cheeks flushed red. “U-um Victor?” You said.

“We're not doing that this early in the morning.” He said with a sigh before placing you on your bed lightly. “Get some rest.” He added pulling back the covers on your bed.

“But what about our breakfast date?” You stuttered out as you didn’t want to miss this opportunity.

“We can go another time. And I’ll just cook you something here while you catch up on a bit of sleep.” He said with a soft smile.

“Ah...Okay...but…” You trailed off as his smile faded away.

“What?” He said with his arms crossed.

“Well, it’s just that I really wanted to eat at that restaurant...since you talked so highly of it last time. N-not that I don’t like your cooking I like it a lot it is just that-”

Victor then let out a deep chuckle as your cheeks flustered up.

“Dummy, I know someone who cooks as bad as you isn’t criticizing my cooking. And we will eat at the restaurant next week, as a celebration for you completing your project.”

You blinked softly in shock before brushing your hair back. “Isn’t it a bit early to be making a promise like that?” You said softly.

“Not at all. Because I know that you will finish it, AND I know that you will do well.” He said with a handsome smile as you felt your confidence slowly start to build back up.

Victor was right, you are great and you just need to have faith in yourself that things are going to work out for you in so many beautiful ways.

After all if it wasn’t for your assertiveness and strength you wouldn’t be where you are today.

You pulled the covers close to you falling asleep almost instantly.

When 30 minutes had passed you were woken up to the song of birds greeting the sun and the lavish smell of a french styled breakfast.

After a quick shower and a change of clothes you join Victor in your small quiet kitchen surrounded by an array of foods that you are completely in awe of. You can’t believe that you had all the ingredients in your kitchen to make this?!

Crepes cooked to perfection with your topping of choice sat neatly on your plate with a summer colored mimosa delectly placed beside it. In the center of your small table was an arrangement of different types of bread, each piece carefully sliced next to small glass bowls of butter, honey, and two hand made jams. One sweet and strawberry while the other was citrusy and tangy.

“You made all this?” You said to Victor as you slowly sat down.

“Of course, I wanted to make a breakfast that suits you individually. It would have been grander. But given the time and limited space. This was all I could do. I hope you like it.” He added.

“Yes...Yes I do! It is very lovely Victor…” You say calmly while your heart beats with excitement.

“You truly are worth something this luxurious.” Victor’s calm and creamy voice says to you amongst your meal as you can’t help but to smile and nod softly in agreement, for he was absolutely right.

SHAW | CH03 | 0 : 00 : 02

✨For those who failed and need to pick themselves back up✨

This is it, you finally decided to try to go back to college.

You figured that having some sort of title might help you gain some more rep when you go off to meetings with other executives andddd it wouldn’t hurt to learn a new skill or two that might help you with your growing career.

But who would have known that an entrance exam and thousand word essay would be so fucking hard to write?!

You already reread the prompt question a hundred times and were still facing the devil of writer's block. Staring at the blank page for hours and hours as your mind just kept wondering off to the chorus of the last song you heard.

Normally back in high school you would have just stepped away and tried to start writing it tomorrow...or the day after...or maybe the night of (usually the night of) but now you really didn’t have any other time to write this paper unless it was right now!

Because you still had a job to do. There is absolutely no other time that you can squeeze in to write this paper unless you are writing it right the F now!!

You ruffle up your hair in frustration and stomp your feet Come on stupid brain!!! Just give me something to fucking write!!! You curse at yourself only to find that it slumps you into a cycle of self depreciation.

Am I really so dumb that I can’t even easily pass a college eterance exam? Even Shaw makes straight A’s and he spends all of his time running from the cops in alley ways or playing hooky at the bar all night long.

You lay your head down on the keyboard of your laptop as the letter h just types itself quickly across the pages where your essay should be. You let out a long sigh, laying there in silence as not a single thought floats by.

You soon sit back up, convincing yourself that if you start writing out nonsense then maybe something will come to mind. You then take a long stretch before tapping your hand down lightly on the keyboard. Then you hear the dreadful click of your mouse.

Your eyes watch in doom as the essay page filled with the letter H soon disappears and a happy “Thank you for submitting your application to Loveland University.” pops up.

Your heart then sinks to your ass. No way...no way!...NO WAY!!

You quickly rise up from your chair as your breathing grows heavier and heavier. You feel your eyes foaming up with tears. Your one last opportunity is now completely screwed up all because your hand slipped?!?

Covering your mouth you begin to sob uncontrollably. Everything about today was going wrong and this was just the cherry on top.

As you stood there crying Shaw had walked into the apartment with his skateboard and backpack in hand, sitting them down at the front entrance.

“Hey, Babe. I’m home.” His charming voice startles you. Oh great, you thought nowhere near ready to approach him about this.

“Hey?” He says again as he makes his way through the apartment. “Where are you at?”

Once he finds you sobbing in your office his expression turned forgien with concern.

Shaw is the WORST when it comes to comforting you but you knew that he tried his best to make you feel better.

“Woah, woah...Babe...baby, why are we crying? What’s goin’ on?” He walks over to you, his arms open and ready to embrace you in a tight hug.

The coolness of his leather jacket chills your heated face as you sob on his shoulder. He lets out a calming sigh as his hand rubs up and down your back, letting you get out all of your much needed cry.

When you reach your composure enough to talk you explain to him between sniffles what had happened. Your self deprecation building up more and more before Shaw shakes his head no.

“Hey now, stop talking shit about my girlfriend okay, only I can do that.” He said as you blink at him confused.

“W-what?” You stumble on your word as Shaw leans over to wipe a tear off your eye.

“Well I think that you’re really cool, and smart. And if someone like me can pass that entrance exam you can too ___.” He said.

“B-But I submitted my essay by accident already.” You lower your head defeated, ready to cry again as Shaw lets out a light chuckle before ruffling your hair.

“You know that we can call the administration and let them know what happened. They will see that it was an accident and let you submit it again. Mistakes happen babe but the longer you sit on them the longer it will take to get over them. The school doesn’t close until 8. So you have 4 hours to call them and get it fixed.” He said calmly as you nodded quietly.

Shaw was right, this was a mistake yes, and also a bit embarrassing. But it is human to make them, and everyone does. And when you make a mistake like this, dwelling on it is only holding you back from achieving your goals.

You raised your head and clenched your fists confidently. “You’re right! For once.” You said to him.

“Hey!” Shaw laughs as he pushes you lightly causing you to giggle as well. You two playfully push one another back, poking at each other and slipping out silly names before Shaw’s arms wrap around your waist.

He kisses you lightly on the lips before smiling sweetly. “You got this, I know you do.” He said as you couldn’t help but to agree with him.

And sure enough the university understood your dilemma and sent you a new registration.

GAVIN | CH03 | 0 : 00 : 03

✨For those who struggle to let go of the past✨

You knew how this was going to play out. After all you have seen it time and time before.

And now you can’t help but to get a little discouraged at the disappointment that this was going to bring you.

The past already proved it to be true after all.

Countless failed outcomes have led you only to conclude one thing.

That this dream of yours was going to end up in complete and total failure.

But even if that was the only logical outcome you could think of you still couldn’t fight the feeling in your heart that was telling you that this WAS right.

Yet, now here you were, stuck in limbo and unable to move forward.

You sighed looking at your notes, you had always dreamed of one day that you would get to start your own business. Now not to read you wrong, you did love working as the CEO of your fathers company but it was seeing him build his business from the ground up that inspired you to one day do the same.

You have spent as long as you can think back to. Brainstorming ideas, doodling logo designs and daydreaming about something that you could call your own.

And now here they come, those heart-wrenching thoughts from the past ready to quiz you and make you think, am I really good enough to have this dream? Do I deserve it?

All those past experiences of people questioning your skills, telling you that you aren’t prepared enough and that you’d never be able to be the person you dreamed of just makes you want to curl up into a ball and give up.

Even for a moment the thought of maybe they ARE right, floods in and you feel yourself wanting to cry, believing in it just for a moment as your ego tries to back up the negativity with ‘facts’ to prove it.

You crawl your way back into bed heartbroken and honestly just wishing that all your thoughts, good and bad, would just fade away.

You pull the covers over your face as you begin to sniffle as your throat clumps up, ready for the tears to fall from your eyes.

And right on que they do. You bundle up closer and closer to yourself, sitting in silence with the haunting memories of the past.

You soon feel the bed sink down a bit before a warm hand runs it’s way up and down your side.

You choke on your tears more, knowing that it is Gavin and there was no hiding your tears from him now.

You felt the warmness of his body tower over you as his lips pecked the top of your head through the covers.

“When you are ready to talk about it, I’m here okay.” He said to you quietly.

Gavin continued to rub your back in the silence of your room waiting patiently for you to collect yourself enough to talk to him.

And after a good 30 minute cry session you slowly sat up before pulling Gavin into a warm embrace. Sniffling into his neck as he just gently pressed his lips to your shoulder. “You know ___, when you are hurting like this...I don’t want you to keep it from me okay? I’ll help you through this.” He spoke to you in a gentle voice.

You slowly pulled from your hug as you wiped your eyes and began spilling out your heart to him. Telling him about everything. Every past encounter that has left you hurt and how you like to think that you have grown and gotten over the pain but it is moments like this that it just all comes back up again and you feel like you are right back to where you started.

Gavin’s caramel eyes watched you quietly as he listened to you greatly, taking in your pain as if it was his own. You could tell that he truly understood and got you and that he really knew how badly it was hurting you.

And after a moment he spoke up.

“The past can be painful sometimes, but it’s there to help us learn and grow. And you can’t ever know how something is really going to play out in the future either.” He said calmly. “All you really can do is take little steps now to lead you to the future you want. Don’t let it get the best of you okay? I know that you will do great. And I will be here to support you through it all.”

He was right, all those times that people told you that you weren't enough, or looked at you like you were crazy. All those failed attempts and embarrassing moments, they were all there to teach you that you are great! And that you are very much worthy of your hopes and dreams!

Gavin leaned over to pick your notes up off of your nightstand as he studied them closely, a sweet smile on his lips.

“I might not know much on how to start your own business, but just seeing this idea, I know that it is going to help so many people. You should go through with it.”

“B-but what if it fails?” You say with your head down.

“Well then we will just figure out the root of the problem, fix it, and move forward.” He said as you quickly looked up to see Gavin’s handsome smile as your eyes started to water again, but this time with happy tears.

Because now here you were, taking on your dreams, with someone who has always believed in you, and who has never once questioned just how amazing you truly are.

LUCIEN | CH03 | 0 : 00 : 04

✨For those who rob themselves of fun✨

You were so excited to sit in at an exclusive lecture that you have been begging Lucien to take you to for months now. It was an introduction class to understanding Quantum Mechanics. A subject that racked your brain,but in a good way.

And even though Lucien’s undergraduate degree was in biochemistry;he was still fairly knowledgeable and greatly enjoyed physics, and with that happily obliged to accompany you.

You were filled with anticipation and the utmost excitement. Swaying your feet beneath your seat with anticipation as the instructure took his place at the podium.

He was an older gentleman with a rustic and well uniformed style. His caramel colored suit complemented his toffee skin. His visible laugh lines and crow's feet along with his brightly colored red bow tie,symbolized a man who lived a full and prosperous life. And even now with no head of hair and whispers of grey singing through his beard expressed that same song of legacy and abundance through him.

You were thoroughly impressed by the wise looking man whose hands were clasped behind his back patiently waiting for students to fill the seats before glancing at Lucien’s young and smooth features. Only to notice that he had been watching you the entire time, lips curled with his hand pressed closely against them.

You panic for a moment waving your hands and covering your face. “S-stop looking so intensely at me.” You say as Lucien’s princely chuckle caused your heart to ache.

“I can’t help it...You just look so excited. Like a silly little kid in a candy store.” he said before letting out a teasing sigh. “I am a bit upset that you never look this excited when you come to see my lectures.” He said crossing his arms and looking away from you with a sorrow filled expression.

“T-That’s not true! I love going to your lectures Lucien.” You said proudly. “It’s just that..well...sometimes it’s hard to understand...since you teach such an advanced class.” You say admitting defeat as you lower your head.

“I see…” Lucien said softly looking at you once more. “Then next time I’ll be sure to explain them to you in a way that you can enjoy and understand.” He said before lightly brushing your hair behind your ear.

You glanced up for a moment to see Lucien’s gentle smile but before you could say anything the professor at the stand began his lesson.

The first 30 minutes of the lesson went by in a breeze as the professor recapped on the basic understanding of quantum mechanics and the movement of an electron. These were all things that you have heard from Lucien before and even information you yourself have researched and understood. You happily listened, jotting down notes between cute doodles of bunnies and flowers as Lucien would occasionally add a cute butterfly or heart to your scribbles.

“Hey.” You said in a soft whisper swatting his hand away playfully. “You of all people should know better. Don’t draw in class.” You teased him as Lucien couldn’t help but to laugh.

“Your bunny looked lonely. I wanted them to have a friend.” He said in a soft voice, amongst the lecture it was almost too hard to hear, as you glanced over to see that Lucien had his notes displayed as well.

You weren’t surprised to see how minimal and organized they were. His tablet was exposed with a series of information already written out as he was just adding to pre existing notes he had already written before the lecture started.

They were all neatly organized with his straight lined handwriting and not a single ounce of color or doodle was on them. Just a simple shade of light where certain words were ‘highlighted’ as important.

They look so professional. You thought as Lucien picked up his stylist and calmly added a bit of information to them. You watched him in awe for a moment, the way he was resting his hand on his chin,the engagement in his eyes and the way he quickly jotted down the information in tune with the professor's quick voice. It was clear that he had done this for a while and that he was good at his routined way of note taking.

When you finally snapped out of your trance you noticed how quickly the professor was on a new topic from the last thing you had written down and glancing at your notes once more than the black board ahead of you. You realized that you were so far behind that the information you had written wasn’t even on the board anymore!

For a moment you were ready to panic until you realized your position. You weren't in school anymore so taking notes wasn’t essential.

And with that you began to zone off again, letting your egotistical thoughts build up and up. The elder man before you had spent his whole life, in your opinion, becoming something great. He went off to college, got a degree, became an educator and he knew so much!! Even Lucien who just at the age of 26 became a well renowned neuroscientist! Yet here you were...the one who took over their fathers business. You started thinking about all the times an episode idea didn’t even make it past the first meeting with Victor and how you almost lost the entire funding of your show! You sunk down in your seat, spinning the ink of your pen over one of the cute bunnies...Was I ever good at anything? You wallowed to yourself unaware that Lucien’s soft glances were reading you like a book.

He knew instantly that you were down. The way you were slouching, the unconscious pout on your lips, your eyes shining;trying to hold back tears, and the way your feet stopped patting with excitement from under the table.

After the lecture was over and you and Lucien were walking hand in hand down the halls he spoke up. “Was the lecture too hard for you to follow? You suddenly looked sad?” He said as his eyes were stuck on you.

You groaned before slouching your head on Lucien’s shoulder, furrowing your brow. “Nothing ever gets past you huh?” You mumble as Lucien brushes back your hair, waiting for you to speak out your worries.

You began your rant, talking about how amazing he is and the professor and how you enjoy learning about science and sitting in on all these cool lectures but you aren’t the expert and that you feel it is pointless to learn something that you are not good at. It then lead you to feeling that you are not the best at anything. Lucien listened to every ins and outs of your problems, holding your hand tightly in his. Once you finished with a long sigh he spoke up.

“You think that I’m the best neuroscientist in the world?” He said softly as you nod. “Of course, your 26 and you own your own research center, you travel the world, who wouldn’t think that you are-”

“But I’m not.” he said softly as the two fo you stopped walking. You glanced up at him as the same calm and sweet smile stayed on his face. “If not now someone better will come along and do greater than me but even then they won’t be the best...because someone will come along and become greater than they are. After all Science is built on advancement. When something is deemed as a fact that is helpful yes, but people are much more complex. Personally I think that if you choose to see life as becoming the best at something then you are viewing everyone and everything around you as competition. But your idea of greatness is not the same as someone else's, what you may see as failure and a fault someone else sees as empowering and inspiring, and that includes how people see you. I think that you are the best at what you do but that shouldn’t matter...since you know yourself better than anyone else. I think that you should be more proud of how much you've grown. Being the best only brings temporary happiness. While growth is ever changing and there's no limit to how it should happen and what needs to be done in order to grow.” Your face softened as Lucien spoke. You felt your thoughts lighten as a soft voice in your head kept telling you that he was right. I see Lucien as the greatest and most amazing person in the world but he doesn’t… he sees. “You.” his princely voice said softly. “If I had to choose who the greatest person in the world is to me...it’s you.” He added before kissing your forehead.

You could feel the soft rise and fall of his chest as his warm lips laid gently on your skin. His rainy scent engulfing you while your hands slowly pulled him into an embrace. He hugged you back before brushing your hair lightly through his fingertips.

Even in this moment with Lucien you have learned so much, you have grown...a sweet smile fluttered across your lips as your heart grew with pride. “I am so proud of me, and how much I have grown.” You whispered.

KIRO | CH03 | 0 : 00 : 05

✨For those who are feeling lonely amongst hard times.✨

You slouched at the front door of your apartment. Bags in your hands, coat slung between your arms, hair a mess and dark circles slowly morphing you into a racoon.

You kicked off your shoes to see your red and slightly swollen feet. An emergency had happened that caused you to stop and change every course of your life for the next month and a half. Having to make phone calls between friends, family, and companies ensuring the safety and calmness of everyone around you.

You had already spent hours reassuring worried hearts that you had forgotten to give yourself a moment to breathe and process everything. And now with this short time to finally be with yourself the stress, anxiety, worry and guilt flooded through you like a river as your eyes dropped like a waterfall.

You had been trying so hard to remain optimistic for everyone else that your own feelings were casted aside and now here you were, alone and finally able to feel them. Only for the idea of being alone to make it worse. Sliding your way down and onto the floor beginning your crying session. Soon the buzzing of your phone scared you half to death. The handsome face of Kiro and his bright golden smile popped up on your screen. Oh great. You thought seeing the FaceTime message as you quickly dried your face and answered the call.

“OHHH My (Miss) Chip(s)!!~” Kiro’s voice sang. “Hey,” he pouted. “Why can’t I see your face? It’s so dark. And you’re sniffling...Don’t tell me you caught a cold again?” he said.

“Ah-s-sorry. I’ll turn on the lights.” Your voice cracked as Kiro’s playful expression quickly turned to worry. You flicked on the lights and turned the screen to your face, rubbing your nose with your sleeve. Seeing yourself on the small screen of your phone, there was no way for you to deny that you were crying. Your eyes a puffy red mess (and makeup smeared down your cheeks).

“Ah...I was um..” You try to explain as You watched Kiro already up and heading for his jacket.

“Don’t worry ____. I’m on my way, you can tell me when I get there. Have you been crying for long?” he said as his cute voice now had a alert and serious tone.

“N-No...not too long. I just got home.” You say softly.

“Don’t hang up. I don’t want you to cry by yourself. Next time you are feeling sad, let me know.”

“Y-You don’t have to come over.” you say feeling like you were about to cry again.

“Don’t say that. Of course I do. It is a hero’s job to help those in need. Especially when it’s someone they love.” Kiro said as you bit your lip softly, you couldn’t deny him of this.

When he finally arrived at your place you cleaned up a bit as you opened the door to an tight embrace. His hug was warm and inviting as your hand tightening on his back the moment Kiro pressed your head to his shoulder. You began to cry again. “It’s okay...I am here...you can cry now.” He said in a low voice. With that you spilled out your heart as kiro held you closely, his blonde hair tickling the edge of your ear.

Once you had calmed down enough to talk the two of you sat beside one another on the loveseat in your living room.

You expressed all of your pain that you had been repressing about the situation and although you didn’t mind that people were using you for support, you never realized how tough it would be to take on everyone's pain and have no one to help you through yours. Kiro held your hand quietly, hearing out all your worries as the rings on his fingers were slowly starting to warm up by the embrace of yours.

Once you had finished what you needed to say Kiro gently pressed your head to his chest, his arms holding you in a loving embrace.

“Thank you...for sharing with me your worries. I know that it’s not easy having to take on other people's burdens but you aren’t alone...and I will always listen to you and I will always be here when things get tough. I want to be that someone you rely on to lift your spirits. You are the person that I want to make the happiest. Even when you feel like no one sees or hears you struggling, just remember that I do see you.” Kiro said in a soft voice as your eyes watered once again. You hugged him tightly, nodding your head as you felt like a large weight was just lifted off your shoulders.

Kiro reminded you that you belong and that there is so much value in how hardworking and kind you are.

And that this strength wasn’t something you need to burden through alone.

✨Thank you for reading and I hope that this helped any of you guys going through a tough time who just needs a bit of encouragement.

My DM’s are always open too and I’ll gladly hear anyone out. 🖤

Sometimes all we need is just someone to vent to. 🖤

✨Check out more of my writings on my ✨master list✨

✨ If you like my blog and want to see more of me check out my other social’s, it would mean a lot to me~~ https://linktr.ee/Yvainegeline

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rebel-in-white · 3 years

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Supporting the Future Captain America: Sam’s Journey

After episode 2 of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, I had so many thoughts and feels about some topics the show presented. This post: Marvel is showing America how we support Black people into positions of power, and I love it.

When Sam refused to become Captain America, I completely understood his decision. He never says it outright, but a part of his decision is based on the fact that he’s a Black man in America and believed that he wouldn’t be accepted. The writers of the show don’t explicitly tell us this, but they smartly let viewers come to their own conclusion after these scenes:

Sam, because he is a Black man in America, gets pulled over by the police and asked for his ID. The police officer even gets tense when he raises his voice in frustration. John Walker is praised and embraced by the police because of his new status as Captain America and also because he’s White.

Becoming the new Captain America is a complicated business as explained by both John Walker and Sam Wilson. Walker voiced his doubts in the opening scene of episode 2, and Sam says that the shield never felt his. Now, imagine taking on the complexity of that shield and that legacy, especially after the Blip, and adding race to that as well. It’s understandable that Sam was hesitant, and eventually refused to accept that immense burden.

How will he eventually become Captain America? I believe it will happen through a support system because that is how you raise members of a historically oppressed community. It’s not just by throwing money or resources at people, then expecting them to succeed--it’s by supporting and believing in people as well. Letting people see that success could be theirs, and that they will have people to support and help them if they need it.

So far, here are the members of Sam’s support system in becoming the first Black Captain America:

Rhodey:

Rhodey is an important part of this support system because he is already in a position of power and has supported Tony Stark for numerous years. America trusts Rhodey, we trust Rhodey, and Sam trusts Rhodey. He’s also someone who understands what it means to be a Black man in a predominately White space. He can also serve as a mentor for Sam - an older, Black leader he can relate to and discuss issues only he can understand.

We can see this in episode 1 when Sam and Rhodey stand together, staring at the shield:

These are two intelligent, hard working, distinguished Black men, gazing at a shield that represents American freedom, a right that used to belong to only a small fraction of the American population. Steve became Captain America before Civil Rights Movement, during a time of hatred, bigotry, and genocide. Rhodey looks at the shield and declares it a new day, signaling to the viewers that times have changed and that we need to be open to that change. People can accept Sam as the new Captain America, who will embody freedom and justice in a different manner.

Rhodey understands the significance of this moment and knows that Sam could be an excellent Captain America. Sam is not there yet. I think Sam is still wrapped up in “Oh my God, I have to fill in Steve’s shoes. Can I do it? This is something I have to do alone.” And this series will prove to him that he is not alone, that he has people who care and will support him as Captain America.

Isaiah

it’s strange to put Isaiah here because he doesn’t care about Sam or anything having to do with the government/Captain America/heroes. But he’s the first Black Super Soldier. He almost killed the Winter Soldier back in 1951.

Isaiah is part of this support system because he will be living evidence for people that a Black man could do what Steve Rogers did, making it easier for Sam to be accepted as Captain America. I do think that his life’s story will be known to the American public, and he will get the recognition he deserves by the end of the series. it won’t make up for the betrayal his own country has done to him, though.

He’s also a cautionary tale for Sam. Isaiah, like so many Black people who have historically been used and forgotten by the military, was thrown aside, without support or recognition, when he was no longer useful. The same thing could happen to Sam. After he serves as Captain America, could he also be cast aside as soon as he’s done - without help and without the respect he deserves? Could he find himself used for nefarious experiments? Sam needs to have a strong support system to make sure that doesn’t happen.

About Isaiah, I want to add that his story is based on real history. Historically, Black people have been experimented on by the American government or people in power. If you haven’t heard about Henrietta Lacks, please look up this woman. It’s an incredible story of how scientists and doctors used a Black woman’s amazing cells to create vaccines, medications, and procedures all without her consent or without giving her credit. Her family didn’t even understand what was going on, until a few years ago, and they didn’t even have health insurance. Just like Isaiah and his young relative. He served his country, was experimented on, put in jail, Bucky declares him a hero, but he lives in some dilapidated house, alone and bitter.

Bucky Barnes

Bucky is going to be essential in getting Sam to become Captain America. I love how Marvel is letting him make mistakes when it comes to race and understanding Sam’s decision. I love it because we make mistakes about race all the time. We are afraid to ask because we don’t want to be labeled as racist, we don’t want to offend, and we want to be seen as progressive and on the right side. In episode 2, we have Bucky make assumptions and show his ignorance because he’s from a different timeline, and he’s White.

He doesn’t understand the significance of what’s happening, and a lot of people have been in his shoes. How many of us have seen, or even committed, a prejudiced act without understanding what was going on? Without understanding the other side? It’s ok to be ignorant. It’s ok that Bucky was ignorant in this scene, it doesn’t make him a bad person or racist, but what’s dangerous is when people refuse to learn and change and stay ignorant. Or, when people stay quiet, don’t ask questions, and form all types of assumptions based on their ignorance.

Bucky keeps asking about the shield. The shield has a lot of meaning to him, and he just doesn’t understand how Sam could give it up. And Sam reveals that maybe Steve or Bucky will never understand his decision because they come from different time periods and races.

We don’t know too much about the outcome of this conversation (it happened at the end of episode 2), but Bucky became upset that he hurt Sam. We can see this when he asks Dr. Raynor what was the second rule and then, when he mets up with Sam outside, he confesses that he feels awful. I think he was about to apologize to Sam before Walker interrupted them.

Bucky is essential in Sam’s support system because he’s going to prove to Sam that he’s not alone in being Captain America. We see that Sam feels this burden very strongly, and he feels like its something that he alone has to shoulder:

Ultimately, the decision to be Captain America belongs to Sam, but Bucky will show him that he doesn’t have to take that burden by himself. We can see the beginning of this when they present a united front when meeting people like Walker.

Bucky also shows how a White man can be part of a Black man’s support system as an ally. He’s trying to understand the other side, he asks questions, he respects the other’s decisions, and he values Sam’s abilities. Keep in mind, though, that Bucky is dealing with trauma and mental health issues, so hopefully we’ll see more positive behavior from him as the series continues.

So excited to see Sam Wilson eventually accept and become Captain America. Thank you for reading this.

Why I capitalized “b” in “Black” and “w” in “White”

#the falcon and the winter soldier #the falcon and the winter soldier spoilers #tfatws #sam bucky #bucky barnes #the falcon and the winter soldier meta #meta #racism in america

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ready-to-obeyme · 4 years

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[OM!] (American) College!AU Demon Brothers

Scenario: Headcanons on the demon brothers as college students (specifically in the US because I don’t know how college works elsewhere), their possible majors, career goals, extracurriculars, ~GPA~ and whatever else I could think of + how meet you in college

Note: I’m hoping to do a Part 2 with the Undateables but honestly… we’ll see lol. This is based off something ~A~ and I thought of for our specific university but we’ve made it broad enough to share HAHA this turned out VERY long

Lucifer

Majoring in Political Sciences with a minor in Psychology

Pre-Law-- most likely immigration law or child custody (there’s definitely a backstory here)

Initially went to community college for the first two years to save up money to take care of his younger siblings

Rejected an offer to go to an Ivy League because it was too expensive; if his siblings ever found out they’d be furious that he’d give up on that chance, but he knows he can succeed wherever he goes (and besides, family is first)

Transferred into a 4-year university his junior year

Very high GPA-- VERY

In a professional fraternity with Diavolo and Barbatos

He didn’t think he’d join one either but Diavolo was the vice chair when he transferred in and the president the year after so… ~nepotism?~ and also Lucifer is charming as heck so no surprise he’d get in

Also rooms with Diavolo and Barbatos

Goes to the gym regularly just to keep fit; gets goaded by Diavolo and Satan into joining an IM team with his frat brothers and actual brothers-- probably basketball or flag football

Probably meets you at a interclub council meeting and mutters under his breath how useless the board members are and you overhear

“Never have I met more incompetent people.”

“Lmao mood”

“!!!”

Keeps sitting next to you at every interclub meeting then after because at least there’s someone that can keep his mind stimulated (thinks you’re hot if you’re competent btw)

If you somehow meet him on campus, he’s the type of guy to put his hand up and pretend he didn’t see you (just kidding, he always ends up saying hi anyways)

Will Absolutely Lecture You if you are procrastinating on studying especially if your midterm is, like, TOMORROW

Always ends up studying with him because he’s actually focused on studying and glares at you if you get distracted (but hey you get good scores in the end)

Mammon

Majoring in Business Econ/Economics, Minoring in Statistics

(always ends up in the middle of the “is econ a humanities or a STEM major” debate that leaves him left for dead)

Planning to work in Business as Finance -- probably has been treasurer or finance director for a club; can even see him being a banker if it suits his plans better

Goes to a four-year university

Decent GPA (or Lucifer would absolutely destroy him), and does REALLY well in mathematics classes

Would room with Lucifer and his posse if they all go to the same school

Probably in a Business Frat as well because he’s pretty charismatic when it comes down to it but was an RA for some of his years for the free rooming and dining hall privileges

Is a very chill and understanding RA (as in he smokes weed with you when he’s off-duty) but is surprisingly well-versed in dealing with roommate issues

Works part-time (gasp) to buy stuff off of Amazon and go out to places

Spends a lot of time exploring places with his friends, going hiking, rock-climbing, clubbing-- which is expensive, as it turns out, so he needed to be able to afford it somehow

Meets you when you’re eating your lunch outside somewhere and he asks you if you have a dollar he could borrow for a vending machine snack

You exchange numbers with him so he can pay it back (even though you honestly don’t really need it, but why not) and turns out he’s in your GE class

“Heyyy wassup! So glad I have a friend in this class”

“Oh by the way, did you finish the homework? Haha, I forgot it.”

Mammon always repays you for your help in food though so you aren’t complaining

Leviathan

Majoring in Computer Sciences

And honestly that’s too much for me already-- the man is doing computer programming, coding-- WHEW-- and they do NOT rest

Goes to a community college but honestly has no problems cinching internships. The computer is his domain-- online applications are EASY, doing projects NOT as easy, interviews? HARD-- REALLY HARD (someone help him)

Probably intends to work with a big company like Google if only to help supply his income so he can live his life going to AX and buying merch

Most likely moved out of his house mid-college with his online friends (who are luckily compatible with him living-space wise) and visits home once a week

There’s two potential sides you can meet first:

Either you meet him at a convention and you both gush about the same character and anime and somehow find each other online (not college related)

Or his favorite Ruri-chan keychain gets broken off in the computer lab, and you’re the one running after him to give it him

He may or may not owe you his life after that (and if you enjoy anime, well that’s a bonus)

Both of these meetings can happen if he doesn’t recognize you in class because you were in cosplay-- imagine the surprise

The two of you as friends are MASTER PROCRASTINATORS at every assignment the two of you have-- so low-key not a great influence-- but you have fun together watching animes, playing games, talking about life-- anything but actual work

Always ends up scrambling to finish things-- but he keeps doing it because it’s been working for him so far

You help him prepare for interviews because he’s always nervous before each one regardless of how well his application looks

Satan

Majoring in Comparative Literature AND Anthropology (ya boy is doing the whole nine yards)

Planning to get his Master’s and then a PhD in one of his majors (whichever proves to be more engaging for him)-- visibly excited to become a Professor

College was meant for Satan-- like REALLY; the man is in LOVE with learning; most likely to go and be accepted to an Ivy-League after Lucifer but... truly believes you can get a good education anywhere so it depends on his financial standing (and how much scholarship he gets)

Does get a little disgruntled when his classes aren’t available but doesn’t mind learning something new-- if the professor bores him to death, he’ll read the book

Really good at tutoring people; someone suggests that he works as a peer-learning facilitator/writing tutor and he does-- might as well make bank doing something you always do anyways

Joins a writing/journal club as an extracurricular and a club that provides tutoring services to the underserved community-- surprisingly good with kids!

He knows friends in high places, so if he wanted to, could get into any party without batting an eye and his favorite professors love him

Spends a lot of his time going out to the city and exploring places, similarly to Mammon, rock-climbing, hiking, paragliding-- anything

He is VERY well-rounded as you can see; competes with Lucifer to see whose GPA is better though

You probably meet him during office hours, and you can only stare in awe as he asks questions that you had in mind, but better; if you’re visibly confused about something, he’ll take his time to help you too (it’s habit at this point)

Ask him for his contact info and you’ll get it, and maybe repay him in coffee? (You always see him at the cafe on campus.)

Most likely to have a specific spot in a cafe that he is always at that the workers actually save a spot for him or give him his usual order before he even arrives-- may or may not have helped them edit their essays or with their homework as a thank-you so you KNOW they’ll love him forever

The type of person to help you make flashcards and cram if you need it

Asmodeus

Majoring in Dance and Fine Arts (I HC going to NYU specifically)

Considering going for an Master of Fine Arts degree but he might just move to New York and go for being a Broadway Star

College is mainly just training for him and hoping to land gigs in local theater-- and the university theater if there is one-- and building his resume for his big break

Has SO many extracurriculars, all pertaining to his career choice, but also because he enjoys what he does: drama, competitive dance team, acapella, fashion design

Makes an unbelievable amount of friends, incredibly good at networking

The first time you saw him was when he was performing for a local theater and you were in love with his performance, and the next time you saw him in the hallway of a classroom building, you told him how much you enjoyed it

Always accepts compliments about his looks with grace, but there’s something about truly being admired for his acting and singing that has him preening

Invites you to come out to his next performance, and if not his, then to another play-- and it can be a date, but up to you ;)

The man is the KING of Multiple Talents and has big dreams to match

Always finds a way to hang out with you and drag you to every club that he can use his fake-id for (and when he’s actually 21 and above, gets a little offended that he doesn’t get ID’d)

A night in the town with you is always a good night!

Sometimes when he has practical exams coming up, he asks you to watch him perform-- and he likes your compliments but actually takes getting all the moves seriously so you better pay attention!

Most likely to move far away to reach his dreams, but he would take you with him if he could-- his little star

Beelzebub

Majoring in Physiological Sciences

Pre-Nursing or Pre-Sports Medicine

He’s a little undecided, but he’s definitely going to go into the health field because he likes the idea of being able to use his strength to help others

Gets a scholarship from the university because he’s part of the football team, which is actually pretty hard on him because Fall Semester/Quarter he has to keep skipping classes for games

Always brings a snack to eat with him during lecture-- and is not afraid to bring his entire lunch and make it right in the front row, though he tends to stick to the back because they tend to have electrical plugs

You most likely meet him during lecture: he offers you an entire sandwich (not a chip bag, not fruit snacks, an entire LUNCH) because he heard your stomach growl during class

From then on, you collect notes for him when he’s gone from games and even go to games if you aren’t usually the type to just to see how he’s doing; it’s hard trying to find you among the huge bleachers, but he always asks you where you’re sitting anyways

Really appreciate it if you help him study into late at night because it IS hard balancing sports and academics

He most likely doesn’t really have any time for anything else so he usually makes up for it during the rest of the year when training is less to volunteer in the hospital or at the gym as a personal trainer

If you ask him to teach you how to properly lift weights, he’ll definitely help out and the both of you can work out together-- though you feel bad when he has to add four extra weights to each side after you finish your reps

Belphegor

Majoring in Computer Graphics/Animation

Intending to go into making animation or game design-- is one of the brothers who doesn’t really know exactly what he wants to do yet because he’s afraid that doing what he loves as a job will ruin it for him

His family reassures him that they’ll support him whether or not he continues with his path in life, but he’s considering art school and then taking internships in places so he has a better idea on what he wants

Most likely to sell his own original work and become a full-time artist regardless

I think you already know how you meet him-- he’s sleeping in a lecture hall-- either against the wall or on the small piece of wood they call a desk when class ends and he’s still sleeping; and you wake him up

Sleepily thanks you and continues to sleep through every class that you wake him up to; when you ask him why he doesn’t just go home and sleep, he tells you he’s too lazy to walk back and forth from his dorm/apartment to campus (mood)

When you add each other on Snapchat or something, he sends you pics of ‘places to nap’ on campus

You always end up studying together because he’s actually pretty good at understanding lecture stuff despite not being awake for most of it-- apparently he’s used to teaching himself

Will make you art for your birthday and will vehemently refuse payment so he just tells you to take him out for dinner instead

If you talk about how you’re not sure on what you want to do in life too, he’ll probably say ‘mood’ but is most likely to encourage you to do whatever you want to do in life too

#obey me #obey me headcanons #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me satan #obey me leviathan #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me shall we date?#ngl i would date beel in this au 100%

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simschallenges · 3 years

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Zodiac Legacy Challenge

(note: because the original poster has deactivated, i am reposting an archived version of the challenge rules retrieved with the wayback machine. all of the following text is a copy of the original post by @autumnalpixels.)

As someone who is a bit of a nerd when it comes to astrology and witchcraft in general, I of course love learning about western zodiacs. So I thought I’d bring my love of the zodiac signs to the sims.

I know that a challenge with this name has been made before, however mine will be more structured for each generation. This is a 12-generation legacy, with each generation representing one of the different zodiacs.

Side note: This legacy is not meant to misrepresent or offend anyone. The generations are being based off of descriptions of the zodiacs from this website. Feel free to read up more about each zodiac to get a better sense of your sim’s personality!

Starting out:

Feel free to make your founder however you’d like. Traits for each heir will be listed in their section, but their looks are up to you so feel free to get creative! You’ll start out like a traditional legacy on one of the 50x50 lots (or 64x64 if you’d like). Here is a link to Pinstar’s legacy rules.

General Challenge Rules:

Honestly this is the only way to fail the challenge, other than not producing an heir.

Generation One: Aquarius

“Aquarius’ are shy and quiet, but on the other hand they can be eccentric and energetic. However, in both cases, they are deep thinkers and highly intellectual people who love helping others. They are able to see without prejudice, on both sides, which makes them people who can easily solve problems.”

Who ever said eccentricity was a bad thing? You are a little out there and can be pretty spacey sometimes, but overall you are very passionate about your morals and strive to make other people’s lives better. Just be careful not to become a pushover.

Traits: Self-assured, Insane, Ambitious Aspiration: Leader of the Pack Career: Politician

Goals:

Reach level ten of the Politician career, either branch

Complete your aspiration

Have a club gathering at least once a week (your club can literally be for anything! Get creative!)

Have three kids, get married as an adult

Have at least four good friends (they don’t have to be a part of your club)

Reach level ten of the Wellness skill

Generation Two: Pisces

“Pisces are very friendly, so they often find themselves in a company of very different people. Pisces are selfless, they are always willing to help others, without hoping to get anything back.”

You love to socialize and surround yourself with all different kinds of people. Your parents loved you and raised you to be kind and perhaps a bit sensitive. You can be insecure at times, especially when it comes to your significant other. For some reason, you can’t seem to stay in a relationship for very long. Is there a way to fix this?

Traits: Creative, Jealous, Gloomy Aspiration: Soulmate Career: Painter

Goals:

Have at least two friends of a different race/gender/sexuality than your sim

Reach level ten of the Painting skill

Reach level ten of the Painter career, either branch

Must go through at least two girl/boyfriends before settling down

Have two kids

Own a pool (at least a 4x4 size)

Generation Three: Aries

“As the first sign in the zodiac, the presence of Aries always marks the beginning of something energetic and turbulent. They are continuously looking for dynamic, speed and competition, always being the first in everything - from work to social gatherings.”

You’re competitive and hard working, and can sometimes come across as a bit arrogant. However, you have a bit of an inferiority complex, so every time your sibling or a friend succeeds, you aren’t too happy about it and always try to one up them. But after a while, you realize that you acting this way is pushing away the people you care about. Can you salvage these relationships before it’s too late and the damage is done?

Traits: Hot-headed, Ambitious, Perfectionist Aspiration: Renaissance Sim Career: Secret Agent

Goals:

Be enemies with your sibling until you are both YA

Only have one friend until you are a YA, since they were the only one who stuck around

Repair your relationships as fast as possible

Reach level ten of the fitness skill

Reach level ten of the Secret Agent career (any branch)

Complete your aspiration

Go for a jog for a total of three hours each week

Have one kid

Generation Four: Taurus

“Practical and well-grounded, Taurus is the sign that harvests the fruits of labor. They feel the need to always be surrounded by love and beauty, turned to the material world and physical pleasures. Stable and conservative, this is one of the most reliable signs of the zodiac, ready to endure and stick to their choices until they reach the point of personal satisfaction.”

You grew up truly appreciating food and what it meant. You were amazed how a simple meal could bring a family together, and how many memories were made because of that. You were close to your parents and were taught to always stand your ground and share your opinions. However, this caused you to become a little bull-headed (pun intended). You’re super stubborn and don’t like to be wrong, and won’t admit that you are ever wrong. This makes romance hard for you, but you keep trying because you are a hopeless romantic at heart. And once you find that special someone, you are loyal ‘til the end.

Traits: Romantic, Foodie, Materialistic Aspiration: Mansion Baron Career: Business

Goals:

use the cheat sims.get_sim_id_by_name {PlayedSimFirstName} {PlayedSimLastName} Get the pregnant Sim’s ID, then use the cheat pregnancy.force_offspring_count {simID} {amount}

Generation Five: Gemini

“Expressive and quick-witted, Gemini represents two different personalities in one and you will never be sure which one you will face. They are sociable, communicative and ready for fun, with a tendency to suddenly get serious, thoughtful and restless. They are fascinated with the world itself, extremely curious, with a constant feeling that there is not enough time to experience everything they want to see.”

Growing up, you had the “perfect life”: two parents who loved each other, lots of friends, good grades, and a beautiful house. You were living the good life, so why did you always feel like you wanted more? You decide to take a step on your own, leaving your family behind to pursue your dreams in the big city. However, you quickly realize that life is harder than it seems. You can’t find a job you’re comfortable in, you can’t hold down a relationship, but you find solace in entertaining people and throwing parties. Something about being a host really makes you feel happy.

Traits: Noncommittal, Outgoing, Insider Aspiration: Party Animal Career: None

Goals:

Must have a twin (feel free to cheat for this)

You are the opposite of your twin, in obvious ways such as style, but also in more subtle ways such as emotions and reactions to events (for example, you could be stereotypical and make one of the twins a “preppy” person and the other an “emo” person)

Reach level ten of the charisma skill

Must move out to an apartment with the Needs TLC trait

Throw every type of party at least once

Complete your aspiration

Have three jobs (at least one week for each) before deciding to freelance (writing books)

Travel to at least two community lots each week and stay there for at least an hour

Have at least level four in three different skills by the time you’re an elder

Learn all of the recipes from the vender stalls in City Living

Have one set of twins (keep trying until you get them)

Be caught cheating by your spouse (you can decide whether they stay together or not)

Generation Six: Cancer

“Deeply intuitive and sentimental, Cancer can be one of the most challenging zodiac signs to get to know. They are very emotional and sensitive, and care deeply about matters of the family and their home. Cancer is sympathetic and attached to people they keep close. Those born with their Sun in Cancer are very loyal and able to empathize with other people’s pain and suffering.”

In another life you would have become a doctor, but in this one you are content with looking after your family and making sure your children grow up the best they can. You’re a loving but strict parent, and just want what’s best for your children. However, will you push them away by being too overbearing?

Traits: Gloomy, Jealous, Family-Oriented Aspiration: Super Parent Career: None

Goals:

Gen six heir must reach level five in Imagination and Communication as a toddler

Master Baking skill

Master Cooking/Gourmet Cooking skills

Host a tea party (or a small get together) every week. Invite over your neighbors, your friends, your family, whomever you’d like. Must have a baked good for the gathering made by you.

Complete your aspiration

Pick up woodworking as a hobby and craft every sculpture

You live off of your parents’ money until you get a spouse: you are to be a house wife/husband, and will never have a job. You’re allowed to sell duplicate sculptures for money, however.

Show off your sculptures by putting them on display somewhere in your house!

Pack a lunch for your kids every morning. If you forget, make them a snack when they get home.

Keep the house clean—all you have to do all day is chores, after all!

Have two kids

Both kids need to have A’s in school

Generation Seven: Leo

“People born under the sign of Leo are natural born leaders. They are dramatic, creative, self-confident, dominant and extremely difficult to resist, able to achieve anything they want to in any area of life they commit to. There is a specific strength to a Leo and their “king of the jungle” status. Leo often has many friends for they are generous and loyal. Self-confident and attractive, this is a Sun sign capable of uniting different groups of people and leading them as one towards a shared cause.”

Your parents were so overbearing to you and your sibling growing up that in your teenage years you began to rebel. Staying out late, skipping class, whatever you could think of. Your parent made sure you got good grades, but you didn’t care about school. All you cared about was your music. You were going to make it big, and you didn’t need calculus to help you rock out on your guitar. You’re arrogant and stubborn, but determined to succeed no matter what the cost. Unfortunately, that means that you can miss out on things that are most important in life.

Traits: Materialistic, Music Lover, Cheerful Aspiration: Musical Genius Career: Entertainer

Goals:

If your heir for this generation is male, come up with some sort of reason for why you got the baby. The mother didn’t want it, the mother died in childbirth, whatever. You can even move her in until she gives birth, then they have a big fight and she walks out on them.

Generation Eight: Virgo

“Virgos are always paying attention to the smallest details. Their methodical approach to life ensures that nothing is left to chance and their heart might be closed for the outer world. This is a sign often misunderstood, not because they lack the ability to express, but because they won’t accept their feelings as valid. The symbolism behind the name speaks well of their nature, born with a feeling they are experiencing everything for the first time.”

You grew up without a strong parental figure in your life, which made it hard for you to trust other people. How do you know that they would be there for you when you truly needed them? You’re cautious and shy, but curious about the world. You truly enjoy learning and collecting things, and through this passion is how you meet the love of your life. They are the only person you can trust, but they can tell you’re always holding yourself back and hiding parts of yourself away from them. Can a relationship last with this kind of distrust?

Traits: Loner, Geek, Bookworm Aspiration: The Curator Career: Scientist

Goals:

Marry a coworker who has at least one trait in common with you

Get married right before becoming an adult

Separate from your spouse for a while after a large fight (your choice if they get back together)

Reach level ten of the Scientist career

Complete your aspiration

Have a home library (at least 25 books)

Finish a collection (your choice)

Have two kids

Generation Nine: Libra

“People born under the sign of Libra are peaceful and fair, and they hate being alone. Partnership is very important for Libra-born, and with their victorious mentality and cooperation, they cannot stand to be alone. The Libra is an Air sign, with expressed intellect and a keen mind. They can be inspired by good books, insurmountable discussions and interesting people.”

You thrive on socialization. Your parents are kind of shy homebodies, but you crave constant company and cannot stand to be by yourself. This can come across as quite overbearing to some people, so sometimes it’s hard for you to make friends. And, despite being such a sociable person, you are kind of oblivious when it comes to romance. You are very childish in the best possible way, and are the kind of parent to get down in the dirt and play with your children. You are a very supportive parent and you strive to make your family as happy as they can be, through whatever means.

Traits: Unflirty, Loves the Outdoors, Goofball Aspiration: Big Happy Family Career: Social Media

Goals:

You post a lot about your kids and about your life, so take as many pictures of your kids as you can!

Generation Ten: Scorpio

“Scorpio-born are passionate and assertive people. They are determined and decisive, and will research until they find out the truth. Scorpio is a great leader, always aware of the situation and also features prominently in resourcefulness.”

You grew up watching true crime television shows and superhero movies and decided that’s what you wanted to do with your life: bring justice and fight evil. Unfortunately you can’t become a superhero, but you can become a police officer/detective. You want to make the world a better place than it was before, and you want your legacy to be something of legend. Hardworking and dedicated to your craft, you tend to focus too much on work and it puts a strain on your relationship.

Traits: Ambitious, Good, Genius Aspiration: Nerd Brain Career: Detective

Goals:

Get married to your high school sweetheart

Complete your aspiration

Reach level ten of the Detective career

Reach level ten of the logic skill

Reach level ten of the handiness skill

Get a divorce (you can decide who gets custody of your kids)

Get remarried as an elder, retire from your career

Have three kids

Generation Eleven: Sagittarius

“Curious and energetic, Sagittarius is one of the biggest travelers among all zodiac signs. Their open mind and philosophical view motivates them to wander around the world in search of the meaning of life.”

You love travel and learning new things. You want to experience as much as you can in your lifetime, which means meeting people different from yourself. You heard that one of your ancestors (generation five) was a big traveller too, so you decide to follow in their footsteps.

Traits: Outgoing, Noncommittal, Dance Machine Aspiration: Friend of the World Career: None

Goals:

Live in three different worlds for at least a week before settling down

Have kids with three different people

Never get married

Make money freelancing (collecting, gardening, painting, writing, whatever you wish!)

Completely redesign your house at least once (after settling down for good)

Go to every festival (unless you’re at work/on a date/at a wedding/etc)

Travel to the Nightclub every Friday

Complete aspiration

Master dancing skill

Master comedy skill

Generation Twelve: Capricorn

“Capricorn is a sign that represents time and responsibility, and its representatives are traditional and often very serious by nature. These individuals possess an inner state of independence that enables significant progress both in their personal and professional lives. They are masters of self-control and have the ability to lead the way.”

You hated how free spirited and laid back your parent was, and craved structure and discipline. Since a teen, you had a schedule every day after school: do homework, practice your skills for an hour, eat dinner, go to bed. Moving around so often meant that you didn’t make many friends, so you chose to devote all of your time to mastering as many skills as you could. But focusing in on one detail of life made you miss out on the bigger picture.

Traits: Ambitious, Snob, Mean Aspiration: Fabulously Wealthy Career: Tech Guru

Goals:

Since this is the final generation, you can choose whether to have kids or not. Preferably none.

Reach level ten of the Tech Guru career (either branch).

Master logic skill

Have at least level seven in three other skills (your choice)

Follow a schedule every day; spontaneity is not your strong suit

Get married as an adult to someone who shares at least one of your traits and is in the same career as you.

Live in an expensive house (200,000 simoleons or more) by the time you’re an adult

Surround yourself only with other snobby people

Buy an expensive item every Wednesday. (Perhaps even start a collection of expensive artwork or sculptures and showcase them somewhere in your house. Feel free to get creative with it.)

Oh wow, we’ve made it to the end of the challenge! I hope you enjoyed. Feel free to show me pictures or update me on your playthrough on this if you’d like (tumblr: autumnalpixels.tumblr.com/twitter: @absoluteking8). You can also use the hashtag #autumnalzodiac so I can see your posts and reblog some of them!

If you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to tell me and I’ll take them into consideration. <3

#challenge: zodiac legacy #challenge rules #challenge rules: zodiac legacy #challenge type: all #challenge type: gameplay #challenge type: legacy #game: ts4

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iraacundus · 4 years

Text

Butterfly Lies - TWO

previous ✭ CHAPTER 2 ✭ next ✭ masterlist

mafialeader kun x reader

words: 4k

genre: fluff, smut (in later chapters), angst

warnings: injury, weapons, swearing

money makes people do strange things, is what people would say, it can even motivate them to murder. kun didn’t have people killed for the money, he had them killed for the power, he was a monster among men, is what people would say. in reality kun had only ever been motivated by one thing, his love for you

✭ ✭ ✭ ✭ ✭

You sat in the university lecture, not really listening, instead using all your energy to push Kun and the gun to the back of your mind. You didn’t really have to listen anyway; you had watched the lecture from last year online before you had even gotten there. You were a model student.

Your friend Yuyan nudged you, flicking her head towards a group of boys sitting in front of you.

“Is he new?” she asked, “I think I would have noticed if such a good-looking guy was on our course.”

“Which one do you mean?” you queried, no idea who she was referencing.

“There third on the left, brown hair, glasses,”

You pulled your own reading glasses down slightly so you could look over them to see who she was talking about.

You spotted him and for a moment felt slightly annoyed before a small smirk settled on your face. You had seen that guy before, standing behind Ten at the apartment, making a phone call to Kun.

“I think he has always been in our class,” you said to her, lying through your teeth. You didn’t know whether to continue to be annoyed or become reassured at the sight of Xiaojun sitting in your history of economics lecture. Either way you thought it was best to keep his identity somewhat secret.

You could have chosen to believe it was a coincidence, that Xiaojun really had just transferred to your class. Somehow you didn’t think he looked old enough to be in a final year class though. He was evidently not as old as you.

Therefore, you chose to be suspicious.

Kun had clearly sent him after your gun freak out. You were somewhat insulted that he thought you needed a babysitter, but you couldn’t be annoyed at him because you knew Kun always acted with good intentions.

As the lecturer droned on about the economic plans the Chinese government had after the war, you began to formulate your own plan.

If Kun wanted to play the game where he essentially sent someone to spy on you for what he considered your own safety, you were going to use it to your own advantage.

You hadn’t wanted to ask Kun questions because it was clearly uncomfortable for him. However, you had no qualms about trying to get the answers to those same questions out of Xiaojun. You just had to somehow befriend him first.

The difficulty of that task depended on two things. The first one being how loyal he was to Kun. You had to guess pretty loyal if Kun trusted him to make sure you didn’t get attacked or report him to the police. The second was if Kun had specifically instructed him to say nothing to you.

If that was the case, you had about zero chance of getting through to him. You had to hope the only thing Kun had banned them from was letting you into the apartment.

As soon as the lecturer began to wrap up you jumped out of your seat and half ran after Xiaojun who had left early, seemingly in the hope you wouldn’t have spotted him.

When it became very apparent you were jogging after him Xiaojun stopped and let you catch up with him. At the same time Yuyan texted you asking if you knew the cute boy and why you ran after him. A text which you sadly had to ignore.

“Hey, Xiaojun right? You were in the apartment behind Ten that day, right?” you asked, knowing the answer, but curious to see if he would try and lie.

“How did you even see me?” he asked, fixing the position of his glasses slightly.

“Good eyesight, well only the long-distance aspect of it but still,” you explained taking your own glasses off, realising you couldn’t see him properly with them on as you were no longer meant to be reading.

Xiaojun was clearly nervous, he was shifting his weight from foot to foot awkwardly, playing with the adjustment strap on his backpack.

“I didn’t know you were an economics student?” you said, smiling at him slightly deviously which only made him appear more awkward and maybe slightly fearful. Maybe he thought that friends of gang leaders were all worth fearing. You didn’t think that would have been an unfair conclusion to draw even if it didn’t apply to you.

Xiaojun looked down at his watch.

“Sorry, I’m busy right now, I have something I can’t be late for, can we chat some other time?” he said. You shook your head, linking your arm with his.

“That is not going to work as an escape ploy, instead I think we should go for coffee, any friend of Kun’s is a friend of mine.”

You began to walk him toward the nearest coffee shop to the university campus. He didn’t protest or struggle and seeing as you could tell he would have defiantly won in a fight; you took it as a sign he was willing to go along with whatever you were doing.

“How did you know I would know you?” Xiaojun asked, “Like that we knew what you looked like not just your name?”

You didn’t really know why you had assumed that. You began to laugh to yourself imagining a meeting with all these tough guys in which Kun just stood at the front with an A4 picture of your face.

Something along those lines must have occurred seeing as Xiaojun did know your face when he saw you. Still you didn’t answer his question. As you opened the door of the coffee shop and pulled him inside you changed the topic.

“What do you want? I’ll pay seeing as I dragged you here,” you said, Xiaojun didn’t bother to argue with you and just told you the one he wanted.

You paid and after an uncomfortable silence between the two of you as you waited for them to be made, the barista handed you the drinks.

You sat down in a chair opposite him and drank your coffee for a moment, waiting to see if he would say anything first, to judge how chatty he was.

Sadly, he didn’t say anything and didn’t seem like the chatty type which wasn’t the greatest start to your plan.

“What’s your job then?” you asked him, placing your drink back town on the table. Xiaojun looked in thought and for a moment you wondered if he would even answer at all, or if he just planned to sit with you silently.

“Management,” he replied, clearly deciding that was an appropriate response.

“Most managers don’t stalk their bosses’ friends at their university,” you raised one eyebrow slightly, “what’s your real job?”

When he didn’t reply and just began to fiddle nervously, you realised you were being kind of harsh on him, it must have been hard for him to work out what he could say and what he couldn’t,

“I’m just being annoying, I’m sorry.”

Xiaojun shrugged.

“I wouldn’t ‘stalk’ you as your calling it, if I had the choice, nor is it my usual job. It’s a personal favour I’m doing for your rather scary friend Kun.”

You chuckled slightly at his eventual response. You couldn’t believe that people were scared of Kun. While the situation frightened you slightly, you had never been scared of Kun, he was too sweet a person for that.

“In what way is Kun scary?” you asked, unbelievably curious about how he acted around the rest of the people in his life, the people who had the same kind of job he did.

“You are literally the only person he is actually nice to apart from Ten, well at least I assume. He is big on rules and doing well and when you fuck up, he is mad scary man. I mean he’s the boss that’s how he has to be to succeed in our business. He is a cold man with big plans, not the Easter bunny,” Xiaojun explained.

You struggled to imagine any other version of Kun than the kind-hearted one you knew who would watch cartoons with you and got sprinkles on his ice cream.

“He’s a good guy,” you said, for some reason feeling the sudden need to defend him, you for some reason wished that Xiaojun saw Kun the way you did.

“I never said I thought he wasn’t. Doesn’t make him not terrifying.”

Xiao Jun’s phone started to ring, the shrill tone cutting through the pause in conversation. You could see Kun was the caller ID.

“Sorry, I’ve got to take this,” Xiaojun said, standing up and walking a few meters away.

As soon as the call had started you could see that whatever Kun was saying wasn’t good. You heard Xiaojun swear loudly enough that other people looked around. You stood up and ushered him out the door, still on the phone, mouthing sorry to the people in the coffee shop.

“I will come right now, yes she is literally standing right behind me,” Xiaojun said, hanging up the phone by pressing the screen rather aggressively.

“What’s wrong, is Kun okay?” you asked him. He just shook his head.

“What do you mean no, is he in the hospital or something, what happened?” You started to panic for approximately the fourth time that week. Cool and collected was not your prerogative.

“In our line of work, we never go to the hospital, it’s not really an option, the hospital asks questions we cannot answer without being arrested…”

You don’t know whether he just didn’t have time to deal with your questions or if he had taken pity on the worried expression on your face, but he gave in.

“Kun has been stabbed, they’re at the office, it’s like a four-minute run from here, how good at running are you?” He said the words all seeming to explode out of his mouth at once.

Xiaojun didn’t wait for an answer, he just took off running towards the centre of town.

You were frozen for a few seconds. Kun had been stabbed and yet he wasn’t going to the hospital. If you hadn’t been so worried you really would have been inclined to kill him.

You realised that Xiaojun was fast, after only a few seconds he was already far ahead so you forced your body to run after him despite the shock.

After a few minutes you saw him run into the entrance of a building that said Qian Industries on the side. Which in itself was insane to you, but you didn’t have time to be surprised that Kun owned a building.

Thankfully Xiaojun had waited briefly for you inside so you didn’t have to guess which floor to go to in the lift. Xiaojun hurried you in and pressed the button for the fourteenth flour.

The short time in the lift gave you a second to think that you hadn’t yet had and for whatever reason tears began to well up in your eyes.

“Is he going to die?” you asked, looking up at Xiaojun, who was realising that had no idea how to comfort a crying girl in a lift.

“He will be fine, just try to look less upset, that will probably help,” he said, pushing you out of the lift when the doors opened as you hadn’t moved by yourself. He grabbed a tissue from a box that had been in the corridor and handed it to you, “just try and pull it together slightly before you come in, crying really won’t be helpful, it’s the second door on the left,” Xiaojun said, “Sorry I don’t mean to sound so harsh,” he added.

He walked away into the office where a heated argument was clearly occurring between a group of people.

You used the tissue to wipe your face. Xiaojun was right, if Kun saw you crying he would probably be concerned, and it wasn’t you he needed to be concerned about. You had to somehow convince him to go to a hospital.

You threw the tissue in the nearest bin and took a deep breath before pushing down the handle to the office and opening the door.

You were immediately met with the sight of Kun stitching up a rather large wound on his arm through gritted teeth. Luckily for you, you had never been squeamish. Next to him Ten was attempting to reset some guys nose. From the other man shouting at him you deciphered the guy with the broken nose was named Yangyang.

“Well shit,” was all you managed to say, causing them to all stop shouting at one and other and look over. Xiaojun who had just sat down on the desk could do nothing but put his head in his hands at the situation.

“y/n!” Kun said out of surprise, before groaning, his stitch had missed due to the distraction of your entrance. You walked straight over to him and crouched down in front of where he was sitting.

“You should really go to a hospital or at least get a doctor,” you said to him, struggling to see him when he was in so much pain. Kun just shook his head.

“That is not a viable option, I would die before I went to the hospital, luckily I was only stabbed in the arm, so I won’t be dying today.”

“I am so mad at you Kun,” you said, when really you were just upset that he was taking such a serious injury so nonchalantly.

“You can’t be mad at me, I’m injured,” he joked, flashing a smile at you before finishing the last stich, tying the thread and cutting it, “see… I’m fine now.”

He was right you couldn’t be mad at him.

“If I hug you in front of your associates,” you tried to think of the best way to refer to his fellow gang members, “would that be embarrassing for you,” you said, quietly enough that the associates as you were calling them, couldn’t hear over their yelling

“I’m the boss, I can do what I want,” he replied. With the go ahead, you carefully wrapped your arms around him, taking special attention not to touch his arm,

“Do you need pain killers or something, I don’t think the ibuprofen in my bag will help you much though?”

“You’re the only comfort I need,” he joked. You pulled away your lips settling into a firm line.

“While that would be a good line at any other time I admit, be serious, I’m worried about you.”

You crouched back down in front of him.

“Worry not, my work often involves illegal drugs and so always have a supply of anything I could ever need, in this case, local anaesthetic, I can barely feel my arm.”

You got up and went to the water machine you had spotted on the other side of the office and filled up a cup with water before bringing it back. Trying to do something to help.

“Drink,” you encouraged, handing the water to Kun, he smiled, taking a sip, “then talk… how the hell did you get stabbed Kun? You said there was nothing to worry about, that you could protect yourself.”

“Can we talk later?” he asked. You nodded understanding he had stuff to deal with.

“Stop shouting Lucas!” He called, focusing his attention to the chaos unfolding in the office. You stood up from where you were crouched and went to lean against the desk next to Xiaojun.

He was tapping a beat lightly on the counter, clearly not very invested in what was going on now he had ascertained that no one was going to die.

He had a wry smile on his face.

“I have never seen Kun smile, not in the three years I have known him, not before you talked to him just now,” he said, “are you magic, have you placed him under a spell or something?”

You felt like that was somehow an insult, but you laughed anyway in response.

“Not magic no, just an old friend of his.”

“So, you are seriously not dating? Like he clearly loves you, bro”

“We are not close enough friends for this conversation … bro,” you replied. Xiaojun didn’t seem to care, he just went back to tapping the table.

You turned your own attention to Kun sorting out the mess in front of him. He had managed to get them to stop arguing and listen to him straight away. Even if they found him scary you could tell they respected him more so than anything else.

You felt a weird sense of pride rise in your chest. Kun may not have been the same boy you had met at fifteen, but he had made something of his life. His line of work may have been illegal, but he had people who respected him and with a building this big, you figured he had to have been good at his job.

“If I hadn’t shown up in time, you and five other guys would have died Yangyang, you understand that.” Kun said to him. The boy named Yangyang nodded and hung his head slightly, his newly reset nose starting to bruise horribly.

So Kun had been protecting him? He had clearly gotten him out of trouble, even as a gang member he was a good guy.

“I would show up to save any of you, you all know that, but I shouldn’t have too, Yangyang you’re clearly too young for this position so you are gonna have to go back to working for Ten. I would shout at you more, but I think Lucas has done that for me, you should all just go home, get some rest. I’ll contact you sometime later this week,” he said sitting down in the chair behind the desk where you were leaning.

They all got up and walked out as soon as he asked them too. Yangyang leaving last, waiting at the door last, to personally thank Kun, who just told him to get some sleep.

You turned around moving a few items before climbing up and sitting cross legged on the desk facing Kun once again.

“So, you own a building these days Qian Kun? That’s slightly impressive I will give it too you,” you fiddled with the items on the desk, all the pens and all the paper with the name Qian Industries at the top, “yet somehow I don’t believe this is an engineering company.”

You were filled with nervous energy, unable to sit still so you began to draw a star on your hand slowly.

“We are good at forging documents what can I say,” Kun replied, eyes focused on where you were drawing on your hand, “I’m sorry I worried you,” he said, his gaze lifting up to look you in the eyes.

You stopped drawing.

“Only you are considerate enough to apologise for getting stabbed. I heard that you only were in that situation to help that kid. I might not love what you do but as I said, I won’t deny that you’re not impressive.”

Kun paused for a moment, searching through some of the papers on the desk before handing you and article he had printed out from the country’s biggest newspaper.

It referred to the unknown leader of Gang V, calling him a monster who killed people not for the money, but to make himself feel powerful. The article attributed many crimes to Kun, some that couldn’t ever have been him, as far as you knew Kun had never been to Sao Paulo.

“I’m never going to think you’re a bad person Kun, those writers don’t know anything about you, I’ve known you for over six years.”

“I am responsible for ordering most of the crimes on there to happen, apart from the ones in Sao Paulo, that makes no sense, I’ve never left the country.”

Which just confirmed that you knew him better than anyone.

“You also helped a random girl you met on the street find her way home and stood up for her against dickhead boys and watched Shrek with her more times than you can count. People aren’t just one thing.”

Kun moved his face closer to yours.

“That’s because I really, really like you, the moment I saw you I thought you were the most mesmerising girl in the world.”

You weren’t the biggest fan of when he said super cheesy things and couldn’t help making a slight face. Kun wasn’t offended by it, he knew you well enough to know it was the concept of being cheesy you objected too, not him specifically.

“You can see it from here,” he said, getting up and walking over to the floor to ceiling glass window. You followed him to see what he meant, “right there,” his finger pressed on the glass towards a street with badly working streetlamps.

“What is it?”

“The street where we first met,” he answered, before tucking a lose strand of hair behind your ear.

His eyes were fixed on yours, neither of you able to look away.

“Do I really have no chance? If it makes you uncomfortable, I will stop, we can just be best friends, I won’t flirt with you anymore. I just need you to tell me, that I have absolutely no chance of ever winning your affection.”

You paused for a second, staring back out at the street remembering the first day you met, how cute he was. The smartest choice would be to tell him to give up, but the thought of that made your heart ache. Equally you couldn’t say what he wanted to hear. You knew it was selfish of you really.

“It’s not that you have no chance,” you began, taking a moment to breath and compose yourself when you felt Kun’s fingers brush lightly against your own, his pinkie playing with yours.

His face looked so relieved when he heard your words.

“Then what, and please don’t say you won’t risk your friendship with me because I know that’s not the only reason.”

“Before… I knew what I know now, the distance between us due to what I didn’t know did mean that I thought it was best not to risk that. I could never have dated you not knowing a whole side of your life. I didn’t want to risk finding out though or asking you and you not wanting to tell me and that being an issue, its complicated, I don’t really understand myself fully my reasons.”

“And now?” he argued you to continue, you could almost hear his heart beating.

“You have turned out to be a powerful guy who most likely has powerful enemies. If you have a girlfriend then you have a weakness that those enemies will exploit, I’m not going to put either of us at risk like that.”

You could tell Kun wanted to argue with you so badly and tell you how stupid of a reason he thought that was. Poke holes in the argument you had given until you had no choice but to give in. He didn’t do that though; he was far to kind.

You were just thankful he didn’t comeback with some rather cheesy line about you being his weakness because you don’t think you could have handled that without throwing something at him.

“But I still have a chance?” he asked, his fingers still touching yours. You nodded.

“Then that’s good enough for me.”

You offered to drive him home because of his hurt arm, forgetting you didn’t have a driver’s licence or a car. When Kun reminded of that you settled on calling him a taxi instead. You wanted to go with him, to make sure he was okay, but you knew it was important for you both to have time apart, to process the nights events.

You caught the nearest bus back to your flat, drawing a star in the condensation of the window as you thought about your own words.

You were afraid to become Kun’s weakness, that’s why you somewhat distanced yourself from him by refusing to give into his charms and love him in that way.

Roads at night seem to lead to nowhere when you can’t see what comes beyond through the darkness. You were determined that you and Kun wouldn’t lead to nowhere, because the thought of him moving on from you was such a horrible one. So, you decided to do whatever you had to do, to become Kun’s strength instead of his weakness.

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