I wish I had a fic to write. I wish I had an idea. Something I felt excited to work on. Notes to jot down hastily on my phone late at night once I've already shut my laptop down. I wish I felt even a tiny bit creative again.

Your stories are great! How about borrower!reader in Diasomnia dorm, who gets caught by Malleus/Lilia/Sebek? Maybe with some fearplay, but ultimately safe?

Includes: soft/safe vore, fearplay, an itty-bitty bit of angst, Lilia with a prehensile tongue (idk man I just thought it'd be cool if he had one)

★✦Poor Little Child...✦★

☆ﾟ⁠.⁠*⁠･⁠｡ﾟ☆ﾟ⁠.⁠*⁠･⁠｡ﾟ☆ﾟ⁠.⁠*⁠･⁠｡ﾟ☆ﾟ⁠.⁠*⁠･⁠｡ﾟ☆ﾟ⁠.⁠*⁠･⁠｡ﾟ

You saw something on the kitchen counter one day.

It was... it was a bowl of dry cereal.

It obviously has to be a trap, right...?

But... you haven't eaten in days. You need something, anything.

At this point, you don't care if it's a trap... you just want to eat something.

You made your way out of your small home, the crack in the cold stone wall, and nervously looked around as you walked towards the bowl.

You grabbed the piece of cereal with your tiny hands and took a biiiiiiiig bite of it. It didn't really taste like anything, but it was still... amazing.

And then, glass walls slammed down all around you.

"It seems I was right! We did have a borrower in the dorm!"

You looked up, to see a someone with black and pink hair, and big red eyes with vertical pupils...

"Come on, little one, let's talk about your crime..." He said, using the glass cup he'd trapped you in to push you off the counter and into his hand.

He held you tightly in his hands, making sure you couldn't make any sudden movements and get away from him.

"It's been a while since I've seen one of you!" He said, smiling. "And it's been a while since I've been able to taste one of you..."

He stuck his very long tongue out of his mouth, he pressed you against it... you felt it slither around your body like some kind of tentacle, before he used it to pull you into his mouth.

After he'd tasted you, he grabbed your foot and pulled you out of his mouth. He exhaled contently, and you heard a loud, hungry growl from deep below you...

"Such a shame for your life to be cut short like this... you've hardly even lived much of a life." He sighed. "Apologies, little one... but we both know what must happen here."

You squeezed your eyes shut as he grabbed you with his tongue once more. You kept your eyes shut the whole time, throughout your whole journey; when he pulled you into his mouth, when he swallowed you down... and you made sure to keep your eyes tightly shut when you arrived at his stomach. You didn't want to open your eyes at all.

Lilia floated over to the couch, with you resting (presumably) comfortably inside of him.

"Are you ok in there?" He sweetly asked.

"Huh? W-what?" You asked as tears streamed down your face.

"I'm sorry for acting the way I did, little one, I just got a bit over-excited. I haven't seen a borrower like you in a long while!" Lilia said as he stroked his stomach... you could feel it. It felt nice. "Now, may I ask what you were doing all alone when I found you?"

"What do you m-mean...?"

"From what I've seen, your kind tend to stay in groups... and adolescents like you are always seen with your parents, but you were completely alone." Lilia explained to you. "So why were you alone? If you'd allow me to ask."

"I... I-I don't know..." You admitted. "I was separated from my family a long time ago, but... I r-remember running away from something with my friends... but I hit m-my head, a-and I woke up alone in a crack in the wall. I don't know where my friends are... I-I don't know if they're even a-alive anymore..."

It then clicked in Lilia's head, he's met you before. Not properly, like this, but... you had met before. He was the thing you'd been running from with your friends.

Oh, but he isn't about to tell you that...

After all, now that he knows you (and knows your taste), Lilia realized that you... he just needs to protect you. A tiny thing like you, all alone in a world not meant for you... you need someone to keep you safe.

And Lilia has decided that he will keep you safe.

"There's no need to be scared anymore, poor little child... you'll be safe with me, I assure you." He whispered.

You were still quite scared of Lilia, but now less so...

"Oh! We should watch this show together! Surely that will be a wonderful bonding experience for us!"

"O-ok, yeah... t-that sounds nice, um..."

"Lilia, Lilia Vanrouge." He introduced himself finally.

"That sounds nice... Lilia."

i feel horrible. I feel betrayed and I’m depressed but strangely not surprised?

Its not even, not even about who is worse or whatever, i just- I heard connor eats pants talk, he said how george and the dream team, (even if they don’t acknowledge it,) have a large young girl audience. That’s the part of the audience that helped them grow.(And id say the audience who was the most emotionally, young girls or queer people who a lot of the time grew up presenting female or queer people in general, who are also at higher risk of getting used or assaulted ) and how its disgusting and disappointing to see them drop these weird points about consent and i (as a part of that demographic myself) - that really hit me in some way. That really hit me and something about it rings in my chest with hurt an realisation. It makes me incredibly sad, and yet it makes me realise stuff.

That point to me seems incredibly important.

That fact makes their statements seem ignorant..

Im slowly coming to terms with how I personally want to move forward with acknowledging their content, the content that was genuinely helping my depression and was part of my routine. So I didn’t formulate this to be some sort of statement, but more of a “oh” moment that i wanted to share

These men don’t feel like they care about the large audience they hurt.. young girls, and how their respective statements about consent could affect idk their world view? :/

Something i got reminded of when reading tumblr after watching that connor tiktok clip of his stream.

I see where you're coming from and what you're feeling is valid and it's entirely up to you if you want to stay or not

I just think that we've seen a lot of examples of them being good to women, in a professional sense as well as personally (as recent as Sapnap's birthday stream we saw George direct the camera away from Sylvee's skirt while she was climbing the wall). This is not a defense of George's behavior regarding the Caiti situation in any way, shape, or form, but we also can't erase the good behavior that we have witnessed, you know?

Like, I've left fandoms for petty reasons and big reasons (i used to love shane dawson, I used to love david dobrik, i went on a weird hate watch spree for a couple depressing months in like 2018 for the paul brothers--i'm not proud) and when a cc's behavior becomes clear, I drop their ass. Even through the drituation, I've never seen behavior from the dreamteam that I thought was hateful against anyone and I believe they've always shown that they want to do what's right when they do mess up.

Do I think they have room to grow? Yeah, absolutely. But I don't think they secretly hate women or are exploiting us. ((no matter what Hannah is saying now, they have had many close female friends for quite a while--Puffy, Sylvee, Gia--and I feel like those people wouldn't have stuck around if they were shitty to women constantly when off camera))

I don't think this incident with Caiti is just another in a long line of dubious consent situations (not that I can know). If I thought they were doing this behind the scenes all the time, I'd nope out. I'm hoping that they can take this as a learning moment and find greater nuance in consent. We are always learning and Dream, the most, has always shown he's willing to take criticism and realize why something was wrong and not do it again. We've seen this from George too when he apologized for old screen shots with slurs. They aren't perfect, none of us are, but I have hope that they'll move forward with a clearer idea.

To be quite honest, I have seen the conversations around consent morph in my lifetime. It's a wonderful thing to see women speaking up and being believed and consequences coming down on men when, historically, that has almost never been the case. We need to keep having these conversations and reinforcing the line, no matter how uncomfortable it can be.

As far as dream team not caring about their audience, I can't really disagree with that right now lol. I certainly don't really feel cared for, but I'm here more for my friends now at this point.

Keep thinking through what this means for you and how you want to move forward for yourself. there's nothing wrong with putting them down for a while. I see a trend of former fans burning the ground as they leave, but like, you can just leave or take a little hiatus from dreamteam, and that's absolutely fine! You can always change your mind and come back, or you can find something else and get super invested in that. No one is going to track what you're doing and judge you, I promise.

As far as content to help you through depression, I can't recommend Brittany Broski and Trixie and Katya enough. I've been listening to Trixie and Katya's Podcast, the Bald and the Beautiful, for my long commutes and they keep me laughing. I'd start with their "Unhhh" youtube series though because it's..... Hilarious

Sorry this got so long. Classic Scoops

Middle of Nowhere by Vancouver Sleep Clinic is insanely Lister coded and here's why

First of all, have the link to the song because I feel that y'all should have it

Below the cut is my lyric by lyric analasys because I genuinely have so much to say about it

Lyrics are in bold, analysing by the verse to make things easier :]

(Also disclaimer, I am actually only half way through season 5 roughly so if I am getting things wrong in terms with later canon feel free to let me know)

I'm coming back home for the winter And the border patrol said I should stick there for a while It's got my mind in a flood and the light gets dimmer As the world get cold

First off, first line is pretty obvious, Lister wants to get back home to earth and he knows that once he does he'll probably be told to stay grounded for a while

The final line just sort of reminds me of how the earth is probably dead or insanely different from how Lister remembers it, its been 3 million years after all

So now I'm back in my room, but it looks different My sister's painted the walls, and nothing's in it anymore But this is the place I found my spirit So, I know I'm home

Again, if he does get back to earth, everything will have drastically changed, it will all be different but he knows that this is where he used to live so it should be home

'Cause I came to this world as the child of the dreamgiver Tryin' to work it all out on the way to the moon And time wants me around, give my word to the gravediggers I'm just passing through

Not really got much for this verse but the second line feels very much like the whole space theme

Sometimes I wish that I lived in the middle of nowhere With a couple of dogs and a ranch on a farm And I don't even like farming or early mornings It just sounds calm

Lister and his plan for the farm in Fiji which knowing how he acts alot of the time, he definately doesn't like early mornings and also I think he's romanticised the whole farming thing in his head, I dont think he'd actually like it that much tbh

And I'd marry that girl I met in Texas Then my Grandma could hang 'round for the wedding And now it's starting to sound like a better ending And that hits hard

Basically, him wanting to marry Kochanski (or Rimmer) as 'that girl I met on Red Dwarf'

Its the life he wishes he could have had if the leak hadn't happened, everything's been smegged up and now he's stuck in space

*more chorus which I have skipped because I've already gone over that bit*

There's a million tangents I've been twistin' They always lead to regret this reminiscence in the end Some days, my mind feels like a prison It just needs some sun

There is no way he hasn't thought about various timelines and things that could have happened, idk why but If I were him I'd definately regret some of my actios that lead to being stuck in his situation.

He is essentially in a prison at this point, just him, presumably the last living human, the cat and the hologram of a guy he didn't like much

So, I walk 'til the city meets the country 'Til I'm the only one left in the world And then I'll write a few songs that just go nowhere Like this one

He is the last one left in the world

He writes songs that go nowhere (the -indling song)

*then the rest of it is just chorus again*

anyway this wasn't much of an analasis tbh, more me putting down random links from this song to Red Dwarf lmao

hey bbgs it's me back again with a request

period headcanons for trans kings shirabu and yamagata ?? my period just started and i am suffering. hard.

anyways yeah just give me your thoughts

I'VE GOT YOU BABES good thing I just changed my pf theme to red, huh? ✋️💀

ANYWAYS TRANS! SHIRABU AND YAMAGATA + REONSEMISHIRA AND KAWAGATA PERIOD HCS LET'S GO!!!

- Yamagata's are the absolute WORST

- Shirabu's are pretty intense. But Yamagata's? Fully convinced that his period is gonna kill him one day

- BUT WE DON'T COMPARE PAINS HERE BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT PERIODS ARE ALWAYS HELL

- ANYWAYS

- They both wanna DIE it's just a fact

- Yamagata is starring at the clock, WAITING for the 6 hour mark to hit so he can take another painkiller cuz let's be honest, those things wear out at like 5 hours, 30 minutes

- They run out of products? They don't need to worry, not one bit

- Why?

- Because they either, borrow from each other

- Or two, send their respective boyfriends to the store (who have their sizes AND favorite brands MEMORIZED and WRITTEN in their notes. They're top tier men)

- They sit down, eat pizza, and suffer together cuz that's what real friends do ✋️😔

- They watch movies and huddle under blankets

- When everyone else is being irritating, they go to each other. They just really don't feel like dealing with people who don't understand

- They use heating pads for their stomachs and they are SO COMFY

- Just plug them bad boys into the wall and you are SET

- From personal experience 💀

- They're not exactly criers..? Well Yamagata kinda is. But Shirabu? If he's gonna cry it's gonna be silent and privately

- Practice is HELL

- Idk if anyone reading this has been to sports practice while you're on your period but leMME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS SHIT-

- GOD you are DYING

- You're hot, you're sweating, and if you wear a pad it's rubbing up against your sweaty thighs and may rub them raw. Like it is TROUBLESOME

- Wow, natural hate crimes, am I right?

- Now for a little bit of shippy stuff 🤭 nothing like fluffy stuff on shark week, ya know?

- Kawanishi ABSOLUTELY lays his head on Yamagata's stomach during his period. The slight pressure helps, plus his tummy is warm from the heating pad

- Semi and Reon surround Shirabu on his week because it keeps him warm. And idk what it is about being warm on the week, but it's just nice

- Yamagata's mood swings are pretty intense. During the first few times, Kawanishi is TERRIFIED that he'll make one wrong move and Yamagata will get upset ✋️😭

- ReonSemi have mastered the art over some time 💀 that in no way means they're perfect. They (*cough cough* SEMI *cough cough*) still set Shirabu off from time to time. (And it's not fun at ALL)

- Them being trans, I'm not completely sure whether they'd change in the locker room or just in the bathroom normally. But during their week they DEFINITELY change in the bathroom.

- Sets off a lot of body dysmorphia problems. Good thing they have each other to cry about it to 😪🤧

- OK THANK @yoom-ss FOR THIS SCENARIO 💀

- Ok,, but Shirabu stuck in the bathroom, NO PRODUCT

- He asks Yamagata for one but the mf doesn't have any either ✋️😭

- SO WHAT DOES HE DO? 🤔

- It's one of three things

- He 1) Sprints to the closest convenient store 😪

- 2) Throws some money at one of his TEAMMATES and makes THEM run to the store

- Or 3) runs around asking girl students for product ✋️😭

- I JUST WANNA SAY A+ SENIOR

- Shirabu gets his products in the end thanks to local super senior Yamagata 😪

- Before practices (especially practice matches) they usual take a painkiller in advance so that by the time practice comes it would have kicked in

- Shirabu probably reads a lot during his period. He doesn't feel like sitting at his desk he usually studies at, nor does he feel like studying at all. So he likes to just read, watch TV, or play on his phone

- Yamagata just lazes around, stuffing his face and watching whatever. (That's ok, he deserves it. Plus I do the same thing)

- Yamagata's go to "I'm dying" outfit is black sweats and a t-shirt/hoodie

- Shirabu's is some comfy shorts and a t-shirt/sweater/hoodie

- KawaGata usually orders a fuck ton of food and by the end they have a buffet. They eat it happily cuz damn periods suck and Kawanishi wants to see his boyfriend happy

- ReonSemi probably over worry 💀

- "Are you ok?" "Are you comfortable?" "Do you need something? Some painkillers? Some water? Anything?" "You know we'll get you Anything right-" "YES. I AM FINE."

- They're trying their best ✋️💀

- It's ok if they're suffering, because at least they can suffer together by crying on the couch with a bag of chips 😪

Vent/endometriosis/on mobile idk/suicide mention

There's seriously something really ironic in the most fucked up ways about being a guy, but being trans, but also having endometriosis that has caused lifelong trauma, but getting a hysterectomy and feeling better, but then the pain comes back, but going on meds that make it better, but then the meds stop working.

There is literally nothing I can do to escape the presence of uterine tissue in my body. I literally have a piece of my uterus framed on my wall to be like, "I survived, mothafucka." And yet, somehow, it keeps coming back like a fucking slasher movie villain. No one wants to see this sequel. Especially not me. I just want to be a normal dude, and not internally bleed from God knows where my body decided to start regrowing a uterus literally just to spite me.

I fucking hate this shit so much. I literally JUST got over the trauma of the last episode that happened just over a year ago. I can't go back to daily panic attacks again, but I do not know how I am supposed to survive when my body pain is at an 11/10. Menstual/cramping is literally the only pain I cannot tolerate. I have broken a toe and gone out to go dancing right after. I've torn the padding in my shoulder and kept lifting weights. I have arthritis and fibromyalgia and tmj problems and chronic headaches. But cramping? I almost kmsed during the last episode, but I was in too much pain to move and find anything to do it with.

How the fuck am I supposed to live with this curse for the rest of my life?? Because guess what, menopause isn't even a way out - people with endo can still have endo problems even after going through menopause. I can say I'll probably be in that camp because the meds I've been on simulate menopause and here I am suffering yet again.

I looked it up whether starting T would do anything and the only answers I got were 'there's no data available' (lmao why does society hate trans people), or 'your body still produces some estrogen while on T, so you could technically still grow endometrial tissue.' Like thanks, that was like my one and only hope that, if I just come out to my family and start T maybe it would get my body to shut up about uteruses, but apparently that's not a solution.

I don't even know what to fucking do right now. I know my doctor isn't gonna have a solution either, because this med was supposed to be a 'fix' and when I come off it later this year, it was supposed to last me a while until the pain comes back, BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN STOPPED TAKING THE MED YET AND ALREADY I'M SUFFERING. I can't fucking do this. Lmao, okay I'm panicking. Stop thinking about dying lmao.

I hate this so much. I'm a guy, and then it's like I'm being punished with woman disease. Can't look up anything about endometriosis without being reminded that 'endometriosis is a condition that affects WOMEN.' Literally the only thing I have serious dysphoria about was having a uterus (and my voice), everything else I could manage or just accept even if I didn't like it. And of course, I'm stuck with a body that's gradually growing me more uteruses. 'Oh, hey, you dropped your uterus, have another. Wait, I hit ctrl+V a thousand times, sorry, bro.'

Brb gonna go die of internal bleeding, I guess?? Where does the blood even go?? I don't have a uterus, and IDK where the fuck the cells are. I swear it feels like they're growing on my pelvis and intestines. I don't even want to know if endometrial cells can grow on bones. That knowledge would devastate me.

I wish I could have enjoyed 2020 more. After I healed from the hysto, it was like, the best time of my life. No more pain during penetration, no fear of period blood, no worries about getting pregnant, no cramps at all, I felt so free.

Now, I feel like I don't even have a life to look forward to. I literally just started turning things around with a new psych med and taking up drawing and writing again. And now I'm gonna constantly be on edge waiting for the next episode to rip its way through my body. I don't want to do this.

TW: Blood, stabwound, anxiety, panic attack feels

(So idk full context really, i just have this idea where Sharky and Kristy are stuck in a dark area, probably underground, and Sharky's dealing with a really bad chest wound (probably got stabbed somehow) and all ya need is they're stuck, Kristy's freaking out and Sharky's in pain but trying his best.)

(We see them both walking, Kristy helping to keep Sharky up but Sharky's getting tired from blood loss and eventually has to drop down and rest. We see Kristy help him slouch down against the wall, both of them stopping to finally examine the wound.)

Kristy:(she sees the blood seeping out from Sharky's fingers, looks up at him and sees him nod, her then proceeding to carefully move his hand and look at the wound, a bit freaked out, anxiety rising)………That looks so so deep, holy shitttttt…

Sharky:(staying as calm as he can, having learned that from Max, in pain but seems he's got somewhat used to the pain by this point, covering the wound back with his hand and applying pressure, tired sounding)Yeahhhhh, it feels like it… Surprised it doesn't hurt more honestly, i thought for sure it went through my lung at first so uhhhh…Good it didn't hit that huh?! Haha!!

Kristy:(we see her kinda spacing out, that static anxiety building up as she looks at the blood on his hand, dripping down his clothes and body and then looking down at her own hand now to see blood on it…And Kristy kinda snaps a bit internally, standing up and walking away a bit for a moment, sliding her fingers in her hair and grasping at the top of her head)………….

Sharky:(he doesn't really see Kristy's emotions or anything, he just sees her get up and move away, still trying to keep the mood light, joking a bit)Hey, where ya goin? Kinda would be nice to maybe have a bit of first aid here heh…….

Kristy:(his voice snaps her out of her stupor somewhat, panic in her tone)…..Huh? Sharky:(playing still, not registering that there's an issue, joking)Nah nah, i get it…I'm a big guy, i can probably bleed out a bit longer without any major issues hehe, i get it, it's cool…

Kristy:(autism igniting with the panic, thinking Sharky's serious, she snaps at him, scared and worried sick)DON'T SAY THAT!!!! I'D NEVER NEGLECT YOU LIKE THAT!!!! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!?! I-

Sharky:(immediately backing up at her reaction, instantly realizes she's upset, quickly, worried for her also)Kris!! I was joking!!! Please, i know you wouldn't!!!!

Kristy:(upset, tears starting up)Why would you say that then?!?! You really think i'd let you just bleed out??

Sharky:(worried, his eyes and voice filled with concern)No! Of course not!! I just……..Look, bad joke, bad taste, not the right time, i'm sorry…I thought i was lightening the mood…

Kristy:(approaches Sharky, kneeling down next to him again, worried)…..I'm sorry too, i just……..I'm scared as fuck for you and i don't know what to really do!! That's so so much blood!!!

Sharky:(trying to calm her down somewhat, sitting up a small bit, adjusting himself)If it makes anything better, i think it's stopped…Somewhat…I've been holding as much pressure as i've been able to on it and i've been trying to stay calm, Max does know what he's talking about sometimes…

Kristy:(she sits a moment, calming down some)……I hope so, i- (lights up after a moment, quickly getting her phone out)Wait, Max!!! He'd be able to handle this better then me!!! Pleaseeeee let me have a crumb of service!!! --------------- Sharky, dude, you should know better then to stay stuff like that whenever Kristy gets in that kinda mindset, seriously lmao...Save the jokes for whenever you're hurt around Max instead, smh...

5/8/23

Not the most eventful day, to be honest. I slept decently well. I think I got woken up once or twice by neighbors but got back to sleep okay. Oddly enough, ever since I ditched the earplugs I've been sleeping better. Maybe they were messing with me, idk. So much for trying to like... take preventative measures to practice sleep hygiene. The whole point of doing the earplugs was to get better sleep. I expected this massive night-and-day difference because I was finally getting undisturbed sleep, but naw... it somehow made it worse.

It's been a pretty cool week to be an insomniac, the moonset and sunrise have been syncing up, so I get to look out the window from bed and see the pale blue of morning start to soak the sky as the moon grows larger and yellow on its way down. Very picturesque, very memorable.

So yeah, again... not too much today. I had some dreams about my ex last night. Not my most recent ex (who I broke up with in 2018...), thank god... those dreams are rarely good... But my ex from college, actually. --- There's a duck quacking outside my window... at this hour, that's... not often a good sign... best of luck, buddy. --- After studying my dreams this long, I've started learning a lot of how my subconscious expresses itself symbolically. Despite the brevity of the relationship (that one was only about 8 months) and how... kinda horribly it ended... that relationship usually represents... idealism in a relationship, to me. At a subconscious level, at least. Because the experience of that relationship, for me at the time, was pure idealism. It was "I am so insanely lucky and blessed to have this opportunity". So, despite the blindness that came with that at the time... that's typically what she represents when she pops up in a dream. The focus of an ideal relationship or an ideal partner, even though the girl herself wasn't that in real life at all.

I wish I thought to record the dream, I've started to notice that I don't often journal the "normal" ones or the "good" ones as often as the "surreal" and "bad" ones. But, from my almost empty recollection, it was mostly just like... normal relationship stuff. Going and doing stuff in the world, buying things for the apartment, stuff like that. I remember it feeling very... normal. And that inspired me to hop on the dating app the second I woke up. And I went through everyone available, swiped a few that looked like we might mesh well, and... nothing came of it. As usual. 3 years of this, you think I'd learn by now not to get my hopes up with that.

I'm sure that was on my mind because I was watching a stream last night where the streamer was playing an FMV dating game, and one of the dates in the game was... a bit too close to my current identity. I mean, if you subtracted the kombucha, the veganism, the parents in political office, and the activism... and swapped genders... it wasn't far off from me. And there's one line from it that hit me pretty hard. This chick ran her own business making customized clothing and crafts and stuff, and the guy - on the first date - asked "wow, are you really making enough to do that full-time?" And that just... it's still stuck with me. That's a big insecurity and I have gotten a shit ton of judgment from former "friends" for it. I still don't like telling people what I do for work because of it. What helped me ground myself? The fact that the guy scoffing and rolling his eyes at a practical business like that... plays video games for a living on Twitch.

You can fucking scoff at any job, honestly. You really can, if you really try hard enough. "You answer phones for a living? That doesn't sound hard." "You pick up peoples' garbage? Why don't you just get a better job?" But creatives get shit on the hardest. Because people who have spent fuck-all time actually applying themselves to performative or expressive crafts, who wouldn't set foot on stage or put their art on a wall in front of an audience if you had a loaded gun to their head, just kinda feel like that person is "cheating at life" or something. It's like... if you love what you do, suddenly that means it's not hard... or demanding... or you don't deserve to be compensated for your labor or something. It's mind-blowing. I honestly don't get it. Starting your own cottage industry shop and pursuing your lifelong passion is like... the epitome of the American dream, isn't it? The whole "Land of Opportunity" thing? And yet... these people don't see your career as legitimate unless you're working... for someone else. Unless you're on someone else's payroll. It's very odd. Maybe that's just what they see as the definition of success, maybe they can't even process a freelance or business owner kind of thing. Idk. I've just had my head poisoned by that shit for well over a decade and a half and it sabotaged my future many times, and now I'm looking down the barrel of 37... and I'm just...

Okay, my thoughts are going too fast to keep up with so let me connect a bit here. I drew another ink drawing today - a big chunk of one, at least. I drew until my thumb ached to the bone, until I could feel the tendons in my forearm tight as guitar strings and straining, rubbing against the skin from underneath. I drew for close to 4 hours straight with a pee break and a break to get a banana and come right back. When I'm in the zone, I work until I can't anymore. And then I do more. I don't need money to motivate me to do it. I don't need fame or fortune or sex or drugs. I do it because it's what I'm here to do. And I have dedicated my life to putting as much of my life into that purpose as I possibly can. So... when I have people near me... who are supposed to be in a supportive position... instead of like... helping me connect with others who appreciate what I do, who benefit from my work, who see its importance, who value and support my work and its continued creation.... Instead, these people.. for years... convinced me that my time and efforts, were better suited laboring for someone else. At very least, the majority of my time and labor should be dedicated to someone else. And it really doesn't matter who benefits from it, or what I'm doing. Just literally anything else than what I do. Great support, yeah?

So... yeah, I'm still reeling a bit. That's a raw nerve for me. I took the leap of faith to finally embrace the title of artist again like... 4 years ago? And I'm still plunging. It's scary as shit to dedicate yourself fully to something that people actively tell you will not succeed. That takes a lot of faith. But for me... I mean... What the fuck else am I going to do?! It's what I'm wired to do! It's how I'm wired to function. I swear, I just need someone who knows like... social shit. Networking, gallery connections (?), community connections, shit like that. I'm just no good at that shit. I came from a family that considered their clients their "friends" and their idea of going out and socializing was going out to the same restaurant and ordering the same food and small-talking with the waitress for like 5 minutes while ordering food, while me and my brothers just sat there awkwardly... We barely even went on vacations and shit. I can do social shit, but it takes a lot of oomph and I really have to be in the right headspace. But good fucking lord, it would be so much easier if I had someone in my life who was willing to do that for me, who it actually did come naturally to - or at least... with me.

Ugh, I didn't want to get into that tonight. I did a good job of keeping the stitches in that wound last night, I guess it worked its way out now. My family and "friends" did a fucking number on me with that one. And yeah, I guess slaving away on this drawing for... nothing... nothing more than just another doodle in a notebook... It makes me feel really unvalued. And really unappreciated. And that hurts so bad, because I love doing this work so much, and I really feel like it is worth something. Like the decade and a half I've put into this work is worth supporting. Like this life is one that others can benefit from. But no one really seems to want to. They'd rather go to a "professional", or someone with 2k 5-star ratings, or buy something a computer made, or get an AI to make a cheap imitation for them.

Aaaaaand I'm cutting off this existential crisis right here. A big part of this is the void created when I finish a project. That void being filled with my only work today being a sketch, which... was actually really cool... but just... doesn't feel like it's going to help me get my rent paid. And that, combined with the thousands of chat reactions to a character from the stream last night, it just... it's tinder and a spark. But it's gonna take more than that to stop me. Sorry.

I don't know if I have any good vibes to end this with, honestly, though I could really use them right now. ... I'm overdue for a trip out into the world, honestly. I should go for a walk. Or, better yet, go take my electric board and go skating or something. Wow, I just have a ton of really anxious thoughts swirling around in my head right now... Like "I just don't want to go alone", and "I don't feel safe", shit like that. Over going skating on a sunny Monday. Welcome to trauma and severe anxiety, and depression. Yay.

Okay, well here's something, fuck it. I applied for the new RP server. I'm going to get declined, I guarantee it. Not dooming, I say that because people who have been RPing for years and have a video resume to back it up and paid to have their applications reviewed first? They are getting declined. So... I'm most likely not getting in. But I applied. And I barely felt anxious doing so, so that's a good step. And I didn't feel anxious on the dating app either, which is also good. So, there's some good vibes there. It's frustrating how quickly I can spiral with this shit, and how little it takes to tear apart the seams, but... I'm handling it much better than I used to. The thoughts swirl and poke through, but they don't overwhelm as much, it's not as visceral and emotional, it's just like... loud and overwhelming. But I can put it aside a bit better than I used to, and that's great progress.

sometimes i wish my parents hit me. i wish they made marks that everyone could see. and i know that's not a good thing to wish for, obviously i know that, but i think it's just easier to answer people when they ask how exactly i grew up in an abusive house with a 'they beat me' or 'they put out their cigarettes on my arms' or some other stereotypical abuse like that where people don't question you, where they don't doubt that it happened, where they don't doubt that you're hurt years after their actions. i wish they hit me because then people would fucking believe that my parents are bad parents. i wish they hit me because then i would believe that they're bad parents. i keep trying to convince myself i'm not in the wrong for cutting contact with my mom, i keep trying to convince myself that it's valid to feel angry at my dad for the ways he's treated me, but when the words come out of my mouth i can see on people's faces that they don't believe it, and that makes me doubt it too. i know my mom was abusive, i know she is abusive but whenever someone asks what she's done to me i come up blank. when someone asks me what kind of things she'd say to me, i can't remember. and logically i know this is because my brain's blocked out the trauma. logically i know it's because i have memory issues. but it feels like if i can't remember it, then it didn't happen. if i can't remember all those horrible things she'd say to me, then i'm not justified in my cut contact with her. and the same goes for my dad too. if i can't remember the things he'd yell at me then why am i sitting here crying about it? if i can't remember how exactly i was frightened of him, then was i really scared at all? and it's just idk man, i wish all these scars weren't internal. i wish i had marks and bruises and scabs and scars to show all the ways they've hurt me. i wish i had that so bad because then maybe i could take myself seriously when it's 11pm and i'm crying in my bed because i've never felt loved. idk man. i wish i had proof that my childhood was one big nightmare i can barely remember. i wish i got to show up to school with a black eye instead of puffy eyes from the tears of night before crying about the things they said. i wish i was out of this god damn house already that's what i wish. i hate living here. i hate it. i want to off myself for every second i spend stuck in this horrid house. i hate the way i can't go to the bathroom without remembering all the times i was sitting there on the floor muffling my cries. i hate that i can't even use a fucking towel without seeing one of my older siblings names embroidered on the corner of it. i hate that backyard because it's seen too much of me. i hate the walls because they know how low i've been. i hate that god damn couch because i used to love it. i hate coming down the stairs because i remember all the times i was sent there because my cries were too loud. that's a memory i only recently got back. i would do something stupid as a toddler/little kid and a parent would scold me and i would cry and they would send me to sit at the bottom of the stairs until i cried myself out because my cries were too annoying and they would yell at me to be quieter when i was on the stairs because i'm a loud crier. that's why i can't yawn while i'm crying otherwise it makes me cry even more. idk man. i fucking hate existence. i think i would be able to handle it better if there was just one person in this world who loved me and was capable of actually showing that they loved me. i think that's all i want from life. to be loved. to be wanted. i don't care about the rest. just someone please love me. someone please want me.

A Man In Uniform - C. San

Synopsis - San’s first day on the job as a police officer takes an erotic turn when you notice how hot he looks in his uniform.

Genre - Smutty smut

AU - Non Idol, established relationship

Pairing - Police Officer!San x Female!Reader

Warnings - Bad language, pet names, use of handcuffs, spanking, squirting, cum eating, unprotected sex (wrap ur sausage), Dom!San, oral (F receiving), role play, dirty talk, fingering, ‘Sir’ used multiple times, slight overstimulation, nipping?, idk bruh it’s hella dirty you get it LMAO

Word Count - 1,300+

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San has trained for years to become a police officer, it was his dream since he was a little boy and he’s finally got his own uniform. Today is his first day on the job as an officer at your local police station and you’ve never felt so proud. 

You’ve been receiving text updates from him all day:

“Babe! I just made my first arrest! Are you proud of me? :D”

“I just used the lights and the siren for the first time. I feel so badass~”

“There’s so many buttons in this car...”

As cute as he’s being, one thing remains on your mind, the selfie San sent you earlier in the day of him in his police uniform. You never thought seeing your boyfriend in a uniform would turn you on so much, your thighs squeezed together as soon as you opened the photo, a surge of arousal being pumped through your veins by your pounding heart.

He’s been boasting about all of his gear on his belt but one particular piece of equipment stuck out the most to you, his handcuffs. The thought of him snapping his cuffs onto your wrists and holding them behind your back as he fucks you is only one of the many fantasies you've had so far today.

Your phone buzzes, snapping you out of your trance.

“On my way home, Bun. The Chief let me off early today, see you soon! <3″

You run to your shared bedroom and freshen yourself up a little, changing into San’s favourite lingerie set of yours as well as a satin robe, tied but still loose enough to expose your cleavage perfectly, with a fraction of your lace push-up bra peeking out of the fabric.

Minutes later, San enters the house. “Sweetie, I’m home-” He yells before pausing at the sight in front of him. You walk towards him and a seductive aura fills the air around you both. “Well, well, well. Isn’t this a wonderful surprise” San smirks as he reaches for your waist. Your hands lay flat against his chest as you lean up to kiss him.

“You have no idea how much I've been thinking about you today” You whisper against his lips, causing you both to smile into another kiss. “Oh yeah?” He questions, eager to hear more from you. “Mhm, you look so sexy in your uniform” You reply, placing a couple of kisses along his jaw before nipping lightly at his earlobe.

San hooks his hands under your thighs, lifting you up and pressing you against the wall where he devours your lips in a heated kiss. Your hands fly to his hair as you feel him grind his stiffening length against your clothed core. You moan into his mouth and he pulls away slightly. “Can you surprise me like this every time I come home from work?” He asks in his deep voice.

You giggle and tug his tie to pull him back against your lips. Without breaking the kiss, San walks you both to the bedroom where stands you at the end of the bed, he removes his tie and begins unbuttoning his shirt. “Stop” You blurt out, causing your boyfriend to halt his actions, chest exposed and slight confusion on his face. “Leave it on, I like a man in uniform” You smirk, causing the young man to scoff before he caresses your chin and places a quick kiss onto your lips.

“You wanna play? Let’s play, Princess” He whispers lowly against your lips, untying the ribbon to your robe and letting it fall to the floor before you kick it aside. “Turn around” He orders, you obey. “Hands behind your back” He orders once again with a stern voice. You feel a rush of adrenaline consume you as the cold metal of his cuffs snap over each of your wrists

“Have I been naughty, officer?” You tease, peering over your shoulder to be met with the devilish stare of your boyfriend. “Absolutely, you ready for your punishment?” San plays along with your little game “Yes, sir.” You smile innocently as you bat your eyelashes at him with your bottom lip tugged between your teeth. Suddenly you're being bent over the bed, followed by a harsh spank you your ass. You yelp in pleasure at the burn lingering on your skin.

“You’re such a dirty girl” San teases from behind you, adding another spank to your ass before rubbing the skin to soothe the pain. He wastes no time in getting on his knees and tugging down your panties, dragging his fingers through your folds and collecting your slick on his digits, admiring how wet you are for him. “So wet for me”.

Before you can respond, he buries himself face-deep in your cunt, lapping up your juices and sucking on your clit. San slides two fingers into your dripping hole, pumping them at a steady pace as he curls his fingers against your g-spot. You release a pornographic moan at his actions, you’ve been so eager for his touch all day. “Fuck baby, you're sucking me in” He states.

He adds a third finger, lifting one of your legs onto the bed to grant his mouth better access to your clit. Flicking his tongue against your bud as he fucks his fingers into your hole is all it takes to bring you to your first orgasm, however, you’re not given much time before San's belt hits the floor and his now rock-solid cock is hanging out of his pants as he pumps it a couple of times.

Pulling your leg back down from the bed, your boyfriend grabs your hips and drags his cock through your folds before thrusting into you from behind. A combination of a gasp and a moan leaves your lips as he picks up a steady pace. You look like a hot mess, your cheek pressed against the sheets, drool spilling from your lips, mascara slightly smudged under your eyes, but this is how San loves to see you.

“S-Sannie” You moan. That earns you another spank to your ass. “Wrong name, Darling” He boasts as he leans over your weak figure. “S-sir” You yelp. The title brings San to a harsher pace, your legs begin to grow weak as you feel your another orgasm approaching. “Fuck- I think I’m gonna cum. Please can I cum?” You beg pathetically with a shaky voice caused by the violent thrusts generated behind you.

“Do you think you deserve to cum? Do you think you’ve been good enough? Hmm?” He questions, still sucked into his role and loving every second of it. “Yes Sir! Please!” You whine. San grabs the cuffs with one hand, tugging at them slightly to support his pace as he quickens even more, snapping his hips into yours at a relentless pace as his other hand finds your clit and begins to rub circles.

“Show me how much of a good girl you are and cum all over my cock” He orders and all you can do is whimper as your orgasm finally rushes through you, more intensely than ever before, so intense, you squirt all over San’s lower half. “Fuck! I didn't know you could do that!” He says, shocked. 

His thrusts grow sloppy as you’re pushed into overstimulation. “On your knees” He demands, desperately. Obeying his order, you face him on your knees with your mouth open and tongue out as he pumps his cock rapidly. Your juices glisten against his skin and coat his uniform. 

Reaching his climax, San releases his load onto your tongue, spurts of his hot cum cover your chin and chest as he groans in pleasure at the sight. Swallowing what's in your mouth, you lick the remaining liquid from your chin and your lips, pushing some into your mouth with your fingers.

“Shit, Baby. Why didn't I get this job sooner?” He jokes, causing breathless laughter to fill the room as he helps you up from the floor before releasing you from the cuffs.

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A/N - SHEESH- So ya’ll saw that pic that San uploaded... with the uniform... yeah. Now we’re here. ANYWAYS, This is literally such dirty filth but I love it, I didn't know I needed San in a Police uniform until baby came thru with it oof. Thanks for reading 💙

Tag List - @simphwa @jonghoisababie @yunhoiseyecandy @multidreams-and-desires

hi! hope you're well and that you're having a good day:) I absolutely adore LMV - I genuinely think it's the best fic I've ever read. anyway, the point of this ask was that I was wondering whether you had any thoughts about sirius as a godfather? like, was he suited for the job, did he actually do a good job... idk, maybe you've answered that question before, in that case, sorry! and ofc don't stress abt answering:))

this is so nice of you ty!!!

ive never talked about dogfather sirius, actually!! what an interesting pair of questions.... i would have to say a qualified yes to both?

was sirius suited for the job: personality-wise, maybe not entirely (raising a child alone in the event of jily deaths would have been Rough, and he’s not exactly a stable parental unit, not to mention he would have spoiled harry rotten), BUT he has the most important prerequisite, which is undying love and loyalty for the potters and for harry, and that means he would have done everything in his power to be a good parent figure to him, which is what really matters, so. not to mention that jily realistically weren’t contemplating he would have to be godfather alone for the majority of harry’s life- with jily around he could have been just The Coolest Godfather Ever instead of harry’s first living parental figure who didn’t treat him like shit.

did he actually do a good job? i would say a resounding yes. bearing in mind he was stuck in azkaban for twelve years (let’s not get into that), we only actively see him godparent harry for three years (plus when he was a baby). obviously baby harry was spoilt v much by his dogfather; what we see of sirius + teen harry also speaks favourably of him, i think. ok, little bit of a rough start what with the unhinged prisoner vibe, but the FIRST thing sirius does when free is go check up on harry- and he keeps tabs via crookshanks etc once at school, knows his interests well enough to send him the firebolt, and he values harry’s opinions enough to not murder peter on the spot despite his thirteen year revenge vendetta. obviously, the fact harry is the spitting image of someone sirius hasnt seen except for in his nightmares for over a decade doesn’t hurt, but he’s just so awkwardly sweet to harry afterwards- when he offers harry to come live with him, expecting him to refuse and completely understanding of it, it’s so endearing (and it always broke my heart how excited they both were about it- i bet sirius was thinking about another time a potter asked to live together). and from the start sirius ALWAYS speaks to harry like a whole person, not a child to be kept in the dark (which, if everyone else had done, looking at you dumbledore...)- the speech he gives him before he escapes is so important for harry to hear, especially from someone who knew his parents. sirius is always so careful to tell harry things about james and lily. now, it’s not that sirius treating harry like an adult would be ideal on its own, and i do think in part the issue is that he skipped his entire childhood and harry looks so much like james, but i also don’t think sirius actually treats harry too much like a grown man, apart from slipups- just like a grown teen. he advises him against threats, tells him the edgy backstories harry SHOULD know (and no other adult ever wants to tell him), looks after him as best he can (HE LIVES IN A CAVE EATING BONES TO LOOK OUT FOR HIM), listens to his teen melodrama. even when he’s fucking up by encouraging harry’s risk-taking i don’t think he’s treating him like an adult- he’s treating him like a *marauder*, because at that age, that’s what he or james would have done; being able to make informed choices is what sirius would have wanted at his age. i don’t think molly or sirius necessarily have the better argument- both make good points; sirius gets what harry wants and molly gets what harry might need even if he doesn’t want it, but that makes perfect sense- molly is an older woman who’s raised seven children, and sirius is in his early thirties and lived with kids for (1) year. james and sirius were order members by age /eighteen/ and sirius was in azkaban at /twenty-one/- he was basically a kid HIMSELF before he got put in the torture prison. i always found it so unfair that literally none of the other adults ever mention the debilitating mental issues he must be suffering from- remember the lifelong PTSD hagrid got from a MONTH there???- and that’s without even mentioning dumbledore’s purposeful exacerbating of them. not to say that mental health excuses poor parenting, but sirius both /isn’t a parent/ and really does very well at filling that role anyways, on the whole, so i think he can be cut some slack for once in his life. harry loves sirius SO MUCH and sirius loves him right back- and sirius teaches him some of the most important lessons in the whole series, even if he himself never managed to learn them- lessons that i really think shape the adult harry becomes, and the kind of lessons his parents might have taught him. so overall i’d give him kudos- and considering the absolute bullshit he’s living through, with james and lily dead, azkaban sucking the light out of him for over a decade, peter running free, and dumbledore QUARANTINING HIM IN THE HOUSE WHERE HIS ABUSIVE DEAD MOTHER IS (?!?!), i would say he does a stellar fucking job.

anyways harry & sirius’ relationship is so important to the series- even the GP was upset when sirius dies in OOTP, largely because everyone could see how bad it hit harry. that scene in dumbledore’s office? oof. they just care about each other so v much and we were robbed of a lifetime of sirius as harry’s absolute fav adult. if sirius had held onto harry that day- if dumbledore hadn’t decided to place him with abusive bigots for a plan which would only pay off by OOTP- i honestly think sirius would have outlived the series. because with harry he’d have been less unhinged by grief, able to testify properly, gotten support from other order members, not gone to azkaban- and with harry he would have had a reason to live. thirteen years of raising harry would have made harry the snarky little fucker he is at his core by age eleven, confident and happy and very good at quidditch indeed; thirteen years would have made sirius as whole as he can get. they would have patched things up with remus. there’d be no OOTP tragedy of errors. sirius would have punched dumbledore at some point. harry would have sent a pic of him and his new friends over week 1 of hogwarts and sirius would have punched through a wall and then calmly strolled over to hogwarts and taken ron’s pet rat over to minerva mcgonnagal, where unspeakable things happened to it. he would have gently butted heads with hermione (but won her over via crookshanks if nothing else) and gotten on very well with ron; snape would barely have been able to be such a dick to him because sirius would have gleefully sent him howlers for every minute of his day until he cracked. lucius on the school board terrorizing the other parents? not on sirius “billionaire heir to the toujours pur line” black’s watch- he’d happily invest even more obnoxious wealth into the school fund to get first call, not to mention lucius’ imperius excuse would not get very far with sirius around. “who’s nicholas flamel? we can’t ask adults- we’d get in trouble with the teachers and our parents are either muggles or wouldn’t know- oh wait nevermind, sirius, who’s nicholas flamel?” no more expelliarmus-ing for four years; harry Trained Duellist By Age 11 more like. dobby the house-elf? oi dobby sirius is family too- now spit it all out, won’t you? chamber of secrets? yeah, sirius knows what that is. parseltongue? yeah, sirius is familiar, and fuck those other kids for being weird to harry about it, does he want to come home for the holidays? weird creepy diary? oh, sirius’ family will have Magicke Moste Evile around somewhere. book 3 is just Harry’s Holiday: The Book because there’s no sirius subplot. you think snape would have dared treat remus the way he does with sirius hovering around paying half his checks? i think the fuck not. you bet your ass they had box seats for the whole of gryffindor house at the Quidditch World Cup. barty crouch? yeah, sirius knows THAT asshole- and remembers his son. catch harry whizzing through all the challenges minus the nerves ahead of time while sirius and remus do half the investigating for him. yule ball? no sweat, just go with ron; that’s what james and sirius would have done. if the maze went the way it goes in the books, “moody” wouldn’t even have been able to drag harry off without sirius intervening. and sirius “ptsd” black would have been The One Person who Got harry’s feelings in OOTP- not to mention sirius Skilled Legilimens black could have coopted that shit from snape and gotten harry up to scratch. sirius-raised-harry would have given umbridge twice as much shit. no kreacher lying here- and harry has sirius’ mirror anyways. so no massive drama in the ministry, and no suicidal recklessness / desperate first taste of freedom on sirius’ part means no veil incident even if they got there. hence book six through seven going Quite Differently. sirius shows up book six to be DADA teacher, why not. him and remus think it’d be funny, and besides he’s petty enough to steal the job from snape. move over firenze, new hot teacher in town. half the books are avoidable.

Tag games x 283129

Hello everyone so uh lately i've started to be more active on my music sideblog which means i've been hearting stuff like crazy for the past couple of months aka all the things i've been tagged in has been buried under all that nonsense SO because i hate leaving things undone i thought on doing them all at once and tagging a bunch of people so they can get a little distraction by doing them (as in, not all of them but whichever they might want to do)

Again: you do not have to do all of them, not even one if you don't feel like doing so! there's a game for everyone so hey!

Tagging: @havertsz @foreverbayern @germanynts @sherlockisonfire @debushit @sadiiomane10 @miasanmuller @elishamanning @abcde-fc @bbjim @littletentaclemonster @tamtam-elizabeth @minimalloss @pearfight and whoever wants to do this! if you see it, consider yourself tagged >:))

Alright, here we go:

1) I was tagged by @/tamtam-elizabeth and @/sadiiomane10 to post a capture of my lockscreen, homescreen and last song i listened to. Thank you both <3

I used to be very annoying when it came to changing my lock/homescreen so now i just don’t do that often anymore (previous to that my homescreen was a pic of lfc winning ucl OBVIOUSLY) also i haven’t really been listening to music lately but i did have a depeche mode phase like two weeks ago and this was the song i replayed the most so hey!

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2) “Get to know me” tag

Tagged by the always thoughtful @/tamtam-elizabeth , thank you and i’m sorry for taking so long ;-; <3

Name: Cloud

Birthday: sometime in november

Zodiac Sign: scorpio

Height: 5′4′’ or 1.65 (last time i checked..... which was like seven years ago)

Hobbies: lately it has been sewing facemasks 😂 that aside i like watching movies, random videos on yt, baking and crafting sometimes

Favorite colors: black, red and teal

Favorite Book: don’t think i have one :o

Last Song Listened to: barrel of a gun by depeche mode

Last Movie Watched: currently watching prince of egypt. if that doesn’t count then ben hur 😂

Inspiration or Muse: i really don’t know what to say here 😂

Dream Job: i still haven’t given up to my goal but at this point i just want a job that gives me stability and zero worries

Reason Behind my URL: Thomas Müller (German pronunciation: [ˈtoːmas ˈmʏlɐ]; born 13 September 1989) is a German professional footballer who plays for Bundesliga club Bayern Munich. A versatile player, Müller plays as a midfielde- okay no in all seriousness yess this url is bc of a football player 😂

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3) Ten songs playlist tag

Tagged by the joy that is @/foreverbayern and the always sweetest @/havertsz . thank youuuuu <3

Rules: We’re snooping through your playlist. Put your entire music library on shuffle and list the first 10 songs and then choose 10 victims.

Some months ago I made the mistake of transfering the songs i had in my old computer to my current laptop and there are some stuff that just........ should not be acknowledged so i can’t do shuffle HOWEVER i will choose ten random songs i’ve listened to/discovered this year (technically speaking is the same) so here it is:

art-i-ficial by x-ray spex

sunny afternoon by the kinks

desire lines by lush

paper cuts by incubus

pure love by hayley williams

spirit by bauhaus

no one knows by screaming trees

let’s love by suho

all we need is a dream by cheap trick

cosmonauts by fiona apple

bonus: you’re so close by peter murphy (god i adore this song)

I wouldn’t be surprised if these aren’t your cup of tea tbh 😂

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4) “Core aesthetic” tag

Tagged by @/havertsz - i’m sorry for the delay ;-; and thank you <3

rules: search your name + "core aesthetic" on pinterest, get a moodboard & select a few photos that come up

i can’t really use pinterest so i googled it instead, as you might’ve guessed this is what i got 😂

ps: i’ve been informed not to use pinterest so if you wish follow this post’s indications

ah this is so pretty, i loved doing this!

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5) 

Tagged by @/germanynts @/havertsz and @/elishamanning to do this tag, thank you all <3

rules: describe yourself with pictures you already have saved. no downloading or searching for new ones. then tag 10 people.

if you want further explanations for each pic... ask ahead 😂

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6) “bold what applies” tag

Tagged by the always enJoyable @/foreverbayern, thank yoooou <3

rules: bold what applies to you and tag a bunch of people

- Appearance

I am over 5’5 // I wear glasses/contacts // I have blonde hair // I prefer loose clothing over tight clothing // I have one or more piercings (had three...) // I have at least one tattoo // I have blue eyes // I have dyed or highlighted my hair // I have gotten plastic surgery // I have or had braces // I sunburn easily // I have freckles // I paint my nails // I typically wear makeup // I don’t often smile // I am pleased with how I look  // I prefer Nike to Adidas // I wear baseball caps backwards

- Hobbies and interests

I play a sport // I can play an instrument // I am artistic // I know more than one language // I have won a trophy in some sort of competition // I can cook or bake without a recipe // I know how to swim // I enjoy writing // I can do origami // I prefer movies to tv shows // I can execute a perfect somersault // I enjoy singing // I could survive in the wild on my own // I have read a new book series this year // I enjoy spending time with my friends // I travel during school or work breaks // I can do a handstand

Relationships

I am in a relationship // I have been single for over a year // I have a crush  // I have a best friend I have known for ten years // my parents are together // I have hooked up with my best friend // I am adopted // My crush has confessed to me // I have a long-distance relationship // I am an only child // I give advice to my friends // I have made an online friend // I met up with someone I have met online

- Aesthetic

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell // I have watched the sunrise // I enjoy rainy days // I have slept under the stars // I meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // I enjoy the smell of the beach // I know what snow tastes like // I listen to music to fall asleep (i did that for a long time and i sicnerely don’t recommend it) // I enjoy thunderstorms // I enjoy cloud watching // I have attended a bonfire (quick story time: one time when i was 12 my friends and i sneaked into our seniors’ school anniversary activities and they lit this huge bonfire near the football field, it was nuts) // I pay close attention to colours // I find mystery in the ocean (spoopy shit) // I enjoy hiking on nature paths // Autumn is my favourite season

- Miscellaneous

I can fall asleep in moving vehicles // I am the mom friend // I live by a certain quote(s) // I like the smell of sharpies // I am involved in extracurricular activities // I enjoy Mexican food // I can drive a stick-shift // I believe in true love // I make up scenarios to fall asleep // I sing in the shower // I wish I lived in a video game // I have a canopy above my bed // I am multiracial // I am a redhead // I own at least 3 dogs

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my god this is getting embarassing i had stuff long due ;-;

7) 

Tagged by @/tamtam-elizabeth. think you for thanking on me when doing tag games, i mean it :-: <3

How old are you?: 24

Surgeries?: one

Tattoos?: none yet ://

Ever hit a deer?: i have never seen one so... no 😂

Sang karaoke?: yeah... years ago 😂

Ice skated?: nope

Ridden a motorcycle?: had the chance but nope

Ridden in an ambulance?: nope

Skipped school?: a handful of times

Stayed in a hospital?: for a few hours

Broken bones?: nope

Last phone call?: i haven’t called anyone in ages 😂

Last text from?: my mom

Pepsi or coke?: coke but i don’t mind having pepsi

Favorite pie?: haven’t had one

Favorite pizza?: chorizo + corn + red pepper

Favorite season?: autumn

Received a ticket?: don’t even know how to drive

Favorite color?: black, red and teal

Sunset or sunrise?: both!

Favorite Christmas song?: don’t think i have one, maybe universe by exo?

Cupcakes or cookies?: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh good q, cookies?

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8) “find your match” tag game

Tagged by @/tamtam-elizabeth, you’re allowed to punch me in the face at this point

Rules:

Take the test

Reblog this post with what type you got

Tag 7 mutuals to do the same!

I got the Dreamer and my ideal partner would be The Innovator ?)

Seek out opportunities to collaborate with INNOVATOR types, who combine your lofty idealism with a focus on pragmatic solutions. The grounding energy of the INNOVATOR can inspire you to apply your imagination to real-world change.

that’s deep fam 😂 but okay!

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9) “get to know me tag”

Tagged by: @/littletentaclemonster . thank you and sorry for the delay ;-; <3

nickname: cloud zodiac: scorpio height: 5′4″ / 1.65 last movie I saw: can you believe i managed to watch another thing while making this? anyway it was The celluloid closet last thing I googled: block site extension favorite musician: as of right now? depeche mode song stuck in my head: you’re so close by peter murphy other blogs: @/brltpop and @/s-lay-ing amount of sleep: as long as i can get (usually 7 or 8) lucky numbers: don’t think i have one dream job: whatever gives me stability what am I wearing: pajamas  favorite food: chinese, mexican and italian language: which ones do i know? spanish and english somewhat. i want to learn japanese and german :c can I play an instrument: nope favorite song: atm is YOU’RE SO CLOSE (8) random fact: my nails usually grow sort of square except for my thumb and index fingers, they grow round for whatever reason describe yourself in aesthetic things: ?????????? idk man, messy room? loose clothes? football? cd’s on a shelf, posters on the walls ?????

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MY GOD WHY AM I LIKE THIS????????? 

10)

Tagged by @/littletentaclemonster you too can punch me in the face

Rules: Bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

AIR: I have small hands • I love the night sky • I watch small animals and birds when I pass them by • I drink herbal tea • I wake to see dawn • The smell of dust is comforting • I’m valued for being wise • I prefer books to music • I meditate • I find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE: I don’t have straight hair • I like to wear ripped jeans • I play an organized sport  • I love dogs • I am not afraid of adventure • I love to talk to strangers • I always try new foods • I enjoy road trips • Summer is my favorite season • My radio is always playing

WATER: I wear bracelets on my wrists • I love the bustle of the city • I have more than one set of piercings • I read poetry • I love the sound of a thunderstorm • I want to travel the world • I sleep past midday most days • I love dimly lit diners and fluorescent signs • I rewatch kids’ shows out of nostalgia • I see emotions in colors not words

EARTH: I wear glasses/contacts • I enjoy doing the laundry • I am a vegetarian • I have an excellent sense of time • My humor is very cheerful • I am a valued advisor to my friends • I believe in true love • I love the chill of mountain air • I’m always listening to music • I am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER: I go without makeup in my daily life • I make my own artwork • I keep on track of my tasks and time • I always know true north • I see beauty in everything (sort of) • I can always smell flowers • I smile at everyone I pass by • I always fear history repeating itself • I have recovered from a mental disorder • I can love unconditionally

Water an aether huh, i don’t know what to do with this information 😂

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if you ask me i would very much appreciate it if you do the songs playlist tag bc i need recommendations thanks. Also massive apologies to the ones that were due since last year I had them in my drafts i swear!

Stay safe everyone :D

Grace & Janis

Grace: I thought you were back??! Janis: I've just gone to 🐕🏃 Janis: didn't fancy hockey in the freezing cold when I could be 💰 instead Grace: oh okay Janis: Mia will have to try and kneecap me another time Grace: 🙄 please Grace: like she has the energy to go after us both Janis: Yeah, you might wanna make whatever alibi for NY you have watertight Janis: they were cooking up their version of event in physics Grace: that was days ago, everyone's talking about you and your boyfriend again now, babes Grace: not my 🤢 🤮 🤧 🤒 Janis: then you're welcome Janis: but it ain't just bugs bunny who's slow on the uptake, much as they'd like to portray Grace: she can't prove I wasn't sick, she wishes Janis: send me an anon, if you want Janis: about what I did, throw something in about getting you soup or some bollocks Grace: cos that worked SO WELL when Ella tried it Grace: it's fine, I wasn't in the mood to go anywhere or post anything Janis: 1. you aren't as blatant as they are 2. people wanna know what I'm up to, idiot, it's not like 'hi pls tell me what your sister grace was doing between the hours of 8-2 on new years tah' Grace: literally nobody is but whatever Grace: 1 sec Grace: [sending those anons like] Grace: 👌👌?? Janis: don't need to tell me Janis: [does the responses] Janis: there you go Grace: 💜 Janis: yeah, crisis well adverted Grace: neither of us are in crisis, you're 😍😍 & I'm 🙄🏑 Janis: 👌👌 Janis: far as any cunt's concerned Grace: yeah Janis: I'm at his house Grace: cute Janis: he's not here Janis: said I could stay though Janis: if I need Grace: like I said, it's beyond obvious he cares Janis: you think it's weird Grace: ?? Janis: him and me Grace: why would I think it's weird and why would you care? Janis: Alright, what do you think then Grace: I literally just said how cute you were Janis: you say that about things usually when you don't mean it Janis: it's a them thing you've picked up Grace: excuse you, you'd know if I didn't mean it Grace: I've never once come at you telling you to dump him Grace: it'd be a big thing like !!!!!!!!! Grace: having no chill is a me thing Janis: if I was one of the gals, sure Janis: you and me don't do that Grace: UM hello, you're my sister Grace: you wouldn't listen to me but I'd still TRY Grace: if he was like the worst ever Janis: you don't reckon he's Liam 2.0 then? Grace: why are you even bringing him up? Janis: nans got a shit poker face Janis: she looked like she'd seen a 👻 when she met him Janis: briefly Grace: it's nan, babes Grace: she thinks every boy is going to do us dirty in every way possible Grace: with this family's track record she does have a point but like Grace: just no Grace: you're not her, you wouldn't Janis: love made her stupid Janis: she could've done anything and she decided to die in a car crash with a lad who only liked her as much as Ri Grace: & I repeat you're not like her so don't even Janis: not that smart to begin with Grace: shut up Grace: you literally do physics with Mia & Ella Janis: and they're right geniuses that pair Janis: 🙄 Janis: Ella'd learn rocket science if she got to be up Mia's hole Grace: 🙄🙄🙄🙄 Janis: it's not hard, all I'm saying Grace: cos you're not stupid, duh Grace: & he really likes you so stop Janis: what do you mean? Grace: what do you mean, what do I mean? Janis: what should I stop? Grace: I know a freak out when I see one Grace: 👑 of Janis: Got no reason to freak out Grace: exactly so don't Janis: I ain't Grace: 👌👌 sure Janis: what would I be freaking out about? Janis: not broken into his house here, like Grace: idk this is the longest convo we've had in forever Janis: must be the way you accuse me of having mental breakdowns Janis: not very endearing tbh Grace: ha ha Grace: but not even Janis: I shouldn't tell him Janis: about Ana, and all that Janis: should I Grace: he was a church Grace: I don't think he'd be 😱😱😱 Janis: don't paint me in the best light Grace: maybe put the 💬 equivalent of like, a filter on it Grace: if you do tell Janis: I didn't try to kill her, she just slipped Janis: 👍 Grace: it was A LOT Janis: she always is Janis: dunno what kind of cult he found that fucking bitch in though Grace: ugh, let's not Janis: she ain't going to just fuck off Janis: even if Ana is going to sulk thinking I'll come and apologize Grace: well, some of us are being forced to play hockey, hun, instead of having a mental breakdown Janis: you scream if the ball comes near you, I've seen you Grace: I don't want to have to hit it 💅! Janis: exactly, don't act like you're busy Grace: I'm not saying I'm busy, I'm saying I'm not trying to be busy 😢😢 thanks Janis: fuck all to cry about Janis: that's the point Janis: I'm not pretending her kids, or any of the fucking others, mean anything to me Janis: or he did Grace: if that's how you feel don't tell barista boy any of it, end of convo Grace: it was just family drama, no specifics Janis: of course that's how I feel Janis: shouldn't be surprising Grace: I'm not surprised Janis: you're an idiot if you feel any different Grace: you can stop, it's not like I want any of them to exist either Janis: someone needs to back me up Janis: you know full well Ri won't stop seeing her, and Junior ain't about and if he were he'd do fuck all as well Grace: okay so what are we going to do? Janis: that's what we need to work out Janis: why should they be the only ones allowed to talk about him Janis: how amazing he was Grace: she's the loudest Grace: if we could be louder then Janis: it's a joke and everyone around us fucking knows it Janis: someone needs to lay it out for her, finally face it, for what it actually is Janis: who he was Grace: but she's never gonna hear it from either of us like that Grace: it would literally have to come from god, babes Janis: maybe it can Janis: hmm Janis: leave it with me, but think what you want to say Grace: ??! Grace: obviously I'll 🤔🤔 though Janis: might take a while Janis: but fuck it Janis: she ruined my new years Grace: yeah, mine too Janis: would've been a shite party anyhow Grace: that's totally not the point Janis: put it in your letter Janis: already got enough people in a mood with me Grace: fine Janis: fuck sake Grace: UM rude, why are you swearing at me? Janis: because it ain't my fault Grace: I'm not blaming you for what happened Grace: I was there Janis: I told her to get out of my way Janis: she should've, simple as Grace: I know Grace: I was freaking out too, she deliberately ambushed us Janis: you didn't cunt punt her though so you know Grace: yeah but you'd be on my side if I did so Janis: if you do it now it will look like you're copying me, just fyi Grace: & I've never been accused of that before ever 🙄 I think I'd find a way to cope Janis: hardly the sister you copy now Janis: don't need to know the ins and outs to see that Grace: cos nobody EVER brings up the past 🙄🙄 Grace: beyond focused on only 💬 about us now, like Janis: that's why I've given them something to talk about Grace: & that's great for you, babes Janis: not like you can't Grace: not in the same way Janis: not unless there's another new kid any time soon Grace: not holding my breath Janis: it's not the only way Grace: 😂😂 what else am I gonna do?? Janis: depends Janis: they're gonna chat shit, regardless, that's obvious Janis: what would you rather they said Grace: is that like, a trick question?? Janis: why would it be Grace: UM it's a little too late for me to try & overhaul what people 💬 about me, hun Janis: hardly Janis: stuck here for another 3 Janis: you could have a totally different rep in that time Grace: hardly Grace: ALL the receipts exist Janis: 🙄 Grace: you have NO idea Janis: yeah Janis: 'course I don't Grace: so are you done trying to make me a better person or ?? Janis: I'm not trying to do shit Janis: if you're gonna cry about it, you could at least try Janis: that's the point Janis: don't complain if you ain't Grace: if I wanna talk about my rep, grandma & god are ALWAYS available Grace: you brought it up Grace: literally all I said was congrats on your 😍😍 Janis: your rep is 😢😢 and freakouts Janis: you said Grace: no I didn't Grace: I said I know a freakout when I see one Janis: well it is Janis: we all get chatted on Janis: if all you want to do is cry about it that's your look out but no one is gonna feel sorry for you Janis: least of all me Grace: I didn't ask Grace: for your opinion or sympathy Janis: yeah, people NOT looking for sympathy 👑 themselves queen of 😭😱 Janis: good luck with that, really working in your favour Grace: I'm talking to you not tweeting it out but sure Grace: thanks Janis: you think it's a secret? Janis: pretty sure your own friends and any guy you'd ever fucked wouldn't treat you like shit if you didn't reek of the desperation of it all Grace: grandma being literally the worst, which is all we were talking about when I said I was 😢😢 is as close to a secret as this family gets Grace: but 👌 attack me Janis: I'm not interested in living this lie with you rn Janis: you cry all the time Grace: &? Grace: you get angry all the time, I'm not judging you Janis: and this is why no one has anything to say about you Grace: whatever, Janis Grace: I didn't come here for this Grace: 👋 Janis: 😢😢 Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: you're a fucking joke, Grace Grace: this whole family is Grace: 👏 that you changed the news cycle for a sec Janis: 👏 that you're less interesting than Mia and Ella and all they do is slowly starve themselves to death Janis: people aren't going to forget suddenly that you belong to this family, just 'cos you try to blend into the walls Grace: like I said, you have no idea Janis: Yeah, I do Janis: we all get talked about, I did when I was doing literally nothing Grace: not about me & it's not like you care so just focus on yourself Grace: my rep is my problem Janis: it is your problem if you can't take the tiniest bit of initiative and see that being a lesser version of Rio is just going to make people talk about her more Grace: people aren't going to stop talking about her just cos I have a fake personality overhaul Janis: it's about the comparison Janis: you don't wanna be your own person, no? Janis: carry on getting Mia to dress you Grace: 😂😂 mhmmmm cos we all just get to be our own person Grace: if I'm not compared to her, it's Edie or you Janis: yeah, wild how no one is mistaking you 2 for sisters Janis: no amount of her leftovers is gonna make you exempt Janis: try getting crippled, evidently worked for Billie Janis: get a sex change, Junior who? Grace: hilarious Janis: we all got our lot Janis: and they're getting bored of their charity work with you Janis: what are you gonna do then, huh? Grace: yeah & yours is nothing like mine so stop coming for my life Janis: we're literally twins Grace: oh please Janis: sorry, not much can be done about it now Grace: duh Janis: 🧱 Grace: 👌👌 Janis: fuck this Grace: 👋 Janis: 🖕 Grace: 💜

Ok so this is kind of out there but I cant get the image out of my head of a human who runs a smuggling ring for androids? kind of like rose but a bit of a bigger scale, and maybe some of the deviants falling in love with the human who smuggles them out? I've got my eyes on Ralph and Jerry in particular but if you only wanna do one just Ralph is good! Sorry it's a lot hfdudivnueiwn and thank you if you do this one!

idk why the image is so big oof This is a really good idea, thanks for the request! I did my best to incorporate the second part in, so I hope it turned out like you were hoping

warnings: minor violence

— 

Ralph clung to their hand with an iron grip. It was almost painful, but they could understand his nerves — one wrong move and both of them would be caught. After all their time spent helping androids cross the border, they weren’t so easily susceptible to stress as others were. Each time was a bit different, but there was a steady routine that they and everyone else followed through to make sure every android crossed the border safely.

But despite their expertise in navigating the border, just one mistake had resulted in them being left behind. The boat was already pulling out of the dock, filled with all the refugees except for them. They were stuck in a dark alleyway, tucked behind a dumpster and a chain link fence.

“Ralph is so sorry.” His voice was barely a whisper. “Ralph didn’t mean for—”

“You’re okay, Ralph,” they said. “You couldn’t control the fact that the police decided to change their patrol routes.” They sighed, rubbing their forehead with the hand Ralph wasn’t clinging to. They were still mentally kicking themselves for not thinking that the police would change their patrol routes eventually, thus cutting them off from the boat just a second too soon. 

“What are we going to do?” he asked. As with most things, Ralph looked to them for guidance. Even from the beginning, Ralph had greatly favored them over the other humans who smuggled androids. 

They chewed on their lip as they weighed their options. “Obviously, the boat isn’t an option,” they said. They patted Ralph’s shoulder as they felt him tense up again. As one of the few people he was comfortable with touching, he relaxed at the motion. “We need to get out of here. There are other ways to get across the border. They’ll take longer, but we’ll get to them.”

After peaking around each corner, they began to lead Ralph down the darkened streets. He jumped at every sound, but kept a firm grip on their arm. At this point, they didn’t even bat an eye at his tight hold. They had long become accustomed to Ralph’s nervous touch, holding them close whenever he felt nervous. In these shadow infested streets, they didn’t mind Ralph holding them so close that he nearly stepped on their heels with every move — it was far better than being alone.

“So where are we going?” Ralph asked.

“A friend of mine. They live on the other side of town, but we’ll be safe once we get there,” they replied.

The idea of walking across the city in the dead of night terrified him. The idea of leaving their side was even more terrifying though, and he found himself tightening his grip around their arm. Even if they were constantly looking straight ahead, Ralph couldn’t help but keep his head on a constant swivel. 

A thump to the left? Ralph tightened his grip on them so painfully they had to gently pat his shoulder as a reminder to relax. A car driving past? He would huddle so close to them that  he was practically walking on their heels. His eyes roved left and right, in front and behind them. He was paranoid, but at least he had a good reason for it.

But despite their vigilance, they weren’t aware of the police car until its menacing array of blue and red lights were flashing against the brick wall near them. Ralph nearly jumped out of his skin. His heart — though it was made of metal and wires — began to beat wildly against his chest.

“What do we do?” Ralph asked. The car was already on the same block on them and slowly driving towards them. “Please, what do we do? Ralph doesn’t want—”

“Stay calm, I’ve got this,” was all they said. They whipped up Ralph’s cowl so that it was hiding his face. They allowed their hand to rest on the side of his face long enough to meet his gaze and smile. Despite their predicament, Ralph found himself smiling back. It was hard not to when they gave him the smile that made his systems malfunction. 

The police car pulled up to the sidewalk. The window rolled down. “Excuse me, you two,” the officer on the driver’s side said. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m going to have to see your ID’s.”

They could feel Ralph trembling, tugging lightly at their arm. They gave him a gentle pat before frowning at the officer. “What for?” they asked. They smiled sweetly. “Is something the matter?”

Both officers sighed. Ralph wished he could see past his hood to read their faces. Did they have a gun? Some other weapon? Were they glaring glaring at them, even though they had never done anything to deserve such treatment? Ralph hated this. He had wanted to run the moment the car had come into sight. Not only did the officers put himself in great danger, but also dragged them into that same danger. He cared about them too much. Just thinking of something happening to them made his mind spin around like error warnings were jamming his software.

“Just the usual patrol. We have to make sure there are no androids wandering about with everything that’s going on,” the other officer replied. Her voice wasn’t annoyed, just tired.

“Oh, I see,” they said. “Perfectly understandable.”

“And while you two do seem very nice, I am still going to have to see some identification,” the officer added. There was a hint of apology to his voice. Was there still hope for them?

“I’m sorry, sir, but we’re in a bit of a hurry,” they said. “I’m sure you understand. With everything going on, we don’t want to be out here any longer than we have to.”

The officer didn’t reply right away. Ralph tugged on their arm more insistently. He couldn’t stand this silence, with nothing but the low hum of heating units and drone of distant cars to fill the tense silence. There was no way these officers were going to let them go. They were far too obvious. If his hood moved down just a little, they would be able to perfectly see his scar and there was no way they could talk their way out of that one.

“We’ll make it quick, we promise,” the other office said. “And if you live far from here, we’d be more than willing to give you a ride home.”

They smiled, even if they felt like they were suffocating. This wasn’t going at all how they had hoped. They were still miles from their friend’s house, and even if they could reach it, the task of getting across the border tomorrow would be even more difficult now that the officers knew their face.

“Alright,” they said. Ralph let go of their arm arm long for them to shrug off their backpack and crouch down by it. Hee placed his hand on their shoulder, fidgeting with their coat’s thick material. “Just a moment, I have both of our ID’s buried in here somewhere,” they said. Their brow furrowed as they began to mindlessly fumble through their belongings to stall.

“Honey, could you come help me for a second?” they asked, looking up at Ralph. Even though he was still trembling, he dropped down to their side instantly.

They were both well aware that the two officers were staring at them. They didn’t have much time before they would begin to become suspicious. They nudged Ralph gently, perking his attention instantly. He looked at them with wide, frightened eyes, searching for the familiar light of confidence in their face.

“When I stand up, run,” they whispered. “A block down from here we can turn down an alleyway. There are a bunch of small side streets and alleys all tangled together. We’ll be okay, I promise.”

Ralph gave a vague nod. He was terrified, but if anything, that made him all the more willing to listen to them. They pretended to have something in their hand as they put their backpack back on.

“Sorry that took awhile,” they said, giving the officers one last smile. They began to slowly stand, taking Ralph’s hand in a firm grip as they did so. 

The moment they were completely standing, they ran. They didn’t look back, not even when the sound of yelling and car doors slamming filled their ears. The rush of their footsteps and breathing were the only sounds they could focus on. Ralph clung to their hand as they raced down the street and whipped around the corner into the alley. Without the faint glow of the streelight’s guiding their path it was near impossible to see, but they didn’t have a choice.

They continued to lead the way, turning randomly down the dark paths. The way was cluttered, causing both them and Ralph to stumble and have to pull the other up to keep going. The officers yelling and footsteps told them they had to keep moving, they always had to keep running and— 

They ran straight into a brick wall.

They hadn’t even seen it before they were stumbling backwards and falling to the ground. Ralph’s hand slipped out of their grip, and they heard his sharp gasp of surprise. They blindly fumbled through the darkness, crawling backwards until their back hit something hard. There was scuffling in the darkness, people moving and yelling. Was Ralph there? Had he gone off a different direction when their hand was no longer guiding him? 

The click of gun being loaded, though quiet through all the noise, cut through every other sound like a gong.

They pressed themselves farther back into the wall. Where was Ralph? He had run, right? They doubted the officers would actually shoot them, but Ralph was a different situation — to them, he was just an android. They wanted nothing more than to call out his name and find him. The ony thing keeping them from doing such was the fact that it would probably lead to the both of them being apprehended.

“Where’d they go?” one officer gasped. “I swear both of them went right down this dead end.”

“No one ran past me, I swear,” the other snapped. “They’re probably both still down there hiding. Here let me go first, I have the gun.”

“Is that really necessary? You’ll end up hitting me with this dark,” the first one grumbled, far closer than they had been in a few seconds ago. Their heart beat wildly inside their chest. So Ralph was still trapped with them? Where though? There wasn’t much space to be hiding.

“As long as I hit one of them — human or android — it’ll mean we have at least someone to interrogate,” the officer with the gun said. “And at this point, I—”

The officers words were cut off with a distinctive thud.

The next officer could only get out a sharp gasp before a similar thud cut through the air, instantly followed by a heavier thump.

Except for their own heavy breathing and racing heart, there was silence. Absolute chilling silence.

They took in a shuddering breath. “Ralph?” they said tentatively. “Ralph, where are you?”

There was no verbal reply, only a nearby shuffling.

“Ralph? Is that you?” they asked. Figuring it was him, they added, “Come here.”

The uneasy footsteps came right to their side. They were sure it was him though — and when his trembling arms wrapped around them far too tight, they were sure of it.

“Ralph didn’t mean to hurt them,” he said. His voice was partially muffled as he buried his head into their neck, taking in their comforting smell.

They nodded and began petting his hair. “I know you didn’t,” they said.

“They were going to hurt you. Ralph wanted to keep you safe like you always keep him safe,” he continued. He was still trembling, but their touch had caused him to relax into their hold.

“I know,” they said again. “But we need to get going. I don’t know how long they’ll be out, and I don’t want to take anymore chances.”

In the darkness, they could barely see Ralph nod. As they began to rise to their feet, Ralph clung to their arm painfully tight. Under most circumstances, they would’ve gently reminded him not to practically walk on their heels or hold them so tightly, but any such comments didn’t seem to suit their current situation. Having them just that much closer seemed to comfort him, and that was all they wanted for him in that moment.

And besides, they didn’t mind having him so close either.

Can I ask a question? I have been wondering stuff about myself and in the panel where it says "before 'me' disappeared." it stuck out to me. I've never had a good grip on who I am and figured I had to build it. Idk hat that is. Nor do I expect you to answer that. My question is, could you explain it more?

Yes, absolutely, you’re totally welcome to ask! and idk how well I can explain it but I’ll do my best based on my current personal understanding and experience! obligatory disclaimer, many systems have unique experiences and it’s not always consistent or cut and dry from system to system, but if something about this does hit home I encourage you to look into researching it more as you feel comfortable! Also a heads up, I’m going to probably overexplain terms and concepts since I’m not sure what you do know, plus if someone else reading this isn’t familiar I figure that may help them too, so bear with me! ^^ (this got incredibly long and incredibly personal, I hope that’s ok! We’ve found hearing about personal experiences from others always helped give us a way to compare our experience better in ways that medical definitions don’t help with, so we got detailed in hopes it’ll be helpful to someone. heads up, there’s some references to feelings of unreality.)

Gonna try to put this under a cut since it got so long, let’s hope tumblr cooperates!

So admittedly, I was intrigued when you sent this line in, because while I’ve reread this comic a couple times before posting it, I didn’t remember writing a line exactly like that. As it turns out, the writing was meant to say “when ‘He’ disappeared” but it’s really oddly unclear whether it’s an H or an M at first glance compared to the rest of the script? If I’m honest I actually prefer your interpretation better, especially because the ambiguity lends more to the comic’s meaning in retrospect. I’m not gonna say something like ‘oh one of my alters must’ve done that on purpose’ because back then our handwriting was just an inconsistent mess in general and the most involvement we could probably credit to the alters was just one person tried to write that H in their handwriting when someone else was supposed to be writing it. But I thought that was an interesting case of serendipity so I couldn’t help pointing it out lmao 

 That said, I think your reading actually makes just as much sense in the context of the comic, and is a phenomenon I think I can readily explain that I have had a little experience with. Currently, my system setup is a little bit like an archeological dig. The alters that have surfaced the most, who have been the ones in charge of actions/words/emotional responses/etc, aka ‘fronted’, are all the ones who have formed in more recent years. The ones from years past are further back, and harder to access because we’ve developed a protective setup where the newer alters act as barricades to keep the older ones from being more exposed to trauma, or anything else they can’t handle. At its core, that’s what the function of a system is - to develop other alters who can handle situations more vulnerable parts can’t - but not all systems are built with an onion-layer setup like mine either, so just keep that in mind.

That said, since I’m built with an onion-layer setup, that means most of my system experience is based upon those older alters being shielded and walled up. When you add enough layers, we can’t dig them out again and for us that’s where most of our ‘disappearance’ comes in that we know of.  There’s another phenomenon that could cause the ‘disappearance’ effect but we’ll touch on that in a moment. In our case, we just eventually feel so distanced from who “I” was supposed to be, whoever that is. Very few of the ones who have been out in recent months are from older times. We’ve had a small handful who are from our high school years (we’re 25 now), and maybe caught a glimpse of alters older than that once or twice. We very rarely remember much of the time from that far back, and what we do remember feels incredibly detached. Almost more like we saw it in a first person pov movie rather than actually been there. We’ve gone through name changes a couple times by now, and I highly suspect that those name changes are further reflective of our archeological layers and who we decided to try to model our collective behavior around, to try to seem like one whole person. 

“Erika” was a girl who behaved one way. “Erin” was someone who behaved another way. and “Cleo” has been our current blueprint for who we’re supposed to be on the outside when being incognito. And what’s interesting is that you mentioned feeling like you had to ‘build’ yourself, because while it’s not so precise or in our control, we’ve approached it much the same way. For each name change it was like different models. out with the old model and in with the new, now introducing Cleo v2.0, with these personality patches and old bugs fixed. Around the time we changed to Erin, we had firmly decided we wanted to put our ‘old self’ behind us and improve ourselves. We had come out of toxic experiences eyes open, and we were terrified of reflecting that internalized toxicity outward. So we took ourselves to the metaphorical workshop, and spent many many years scrutinizing who ‘Erika’ was under a microscope for our faults, our flaws, what made us work that way, so that we could iron out the kinks when introducing ‘Erin’. As we took ‘Erin’ for test runs in college, we would find different flaws and faults that needed fixing, so once we’d accumulated a comprehensive list of those we took Erin in for workshopping and shortly after we dropped out of college, out came Cleo. Our entire life experience from the outside has been a long-running fixer-upper project, and for a while we were proud of ourselves to see the long strides in improvements we’d made upon “myself”, for being so quick to see our flaws and find ways to manage them. 

But what was really happening under the hood was, we weren’t actually changing as an individual, cohesive person.  We were adapting and forming new alters, or at the very least reassigning them based on who handled what better - so if we had become sick of our short temper, we swapped that alter out so that what normally caused them to respond, would instead elicit someone less volatile and slower to anger. If one of us froze up at the sight of blood, they would be swapped out of the front for someone who had no problems with it. This is why we ended up onion-layering ultimately, to lower the risk of the other alters being in front at poorly timed moments.

So tl;dr for us, a lot of our ‘Disappearance’ of our selves was us trading them out or hiding them away, and most likely encouraging a state of alter dormancy - when alters become inactive for long periods of time. (for some of us we describe it like sleeping - I think it tires us out on a physical level if one alter is active too long, it probably works certain parts of the brain more depending on the alter, but that’s all speculation.)

Backtracking a little - there is another experience that would cause a more definite and permanent ‘Disappearance’ effect. We haven’t experienced it since coming out as a system to ourselves. But we’re pretty sure we experienced it once, or twice, way back when. It’s formally known as Fusion. Fusion is what happens when two or more alters end up “physically” (for lack of a better word) merging together. They cannot separate, and they become an entirely different alter. The new alter often has some elements of their components in terms of personality traits and memories, but also isn’t a complete merging of everything. Memories and emotional attachments can often get lost in the process. This is where the other Disappearance can occur.

We know it happened to us at least once. Somewhere around middle or high school, for no apparent reason, we had developed an acute awareness and fear of Amnesia, and the identity death that would inevitably come with it. We were always scared, what if we hit our head and lost our memory? What would we remember, if anything? Would we get it back? Media always dramatizes amnesia, where amnesiac characters have some twinge, some spark, where they get drawn to things super important to them from before the memory loss. Would that happen to us? What if it didn’t? What if we never remembered the things that mattered so dearly to us? Would we even be the same person anymore?

If you compare that to the concept of fusion, it’s almost uncomfortably spot on. But we had no idea about systems or fusion back then. Which can only mean we had experienced a fusion, and somehow that caused a disturbance in the system that led to that latent fear to hang over our heads, along with the constant feelings of unreality and dreaming that followed us all through high school.

But somewhere along the line, just as suddenly as that fear developed, it just. Dissipated. It’s still a terrifying concept for us. But we no longer obsess over it like we did back then. We also suspect that’s probably related to another fusion of sorts. We have no clue who they were, or who they are now though. 

So to tie it all back in, in the comic the ‘Me/He’ disappearing would be parallel to an alter going dormant, or possibly fusing. The characters the protagonist and Tormenter are built around were originally part of a storyline of two separate identities that ended up ‘fusing’ to form a different whole, and while I can’t say the comic is faithful to the scientific or actual experience in a system, since I didn’t know about it at the time, I’m pretty sure it was based on what I had picked up on in my subconscious, so that’s the implications there, inaccurate representation though they may be.  I have heard from a few sources that fusion is often the result of a necessary function, to help protect or help an alter that can no longer function or cope the way they have been by creating a new alter that can cope better, so with this understanding, and the direction of the comic, it makes a sort of sense. 

These are my thoughts in regards to your question about ‘disappearance’ in the context of the comic based on my personal experiences, I hope it helped! Feel free to ask more or send in followup questions or statements, hopefully now that I’ve given a lot of context I won’t be quite so long-winded haha

When my mother got sick last year, someone asked me why I had such an issue with taking care of her (as I'd expressed I really didn't feel like I 'had' to or owed her that much as she had never taken care of us ever, let alone when we were sick, but that I intended to try anyway) since I called her my best friend (supposedly, at some point, I believe I probably did, it was something she made me say at family gatherings a lot).

It's taken almost a year and a whole lot of shit for me to answer that question: I was stuck in an abusive relationship with my mother and the only way to survive was to make myself believe we really were friends. Because if I let myself realise she really didn't care about me, I could never have sorted in my head why I did everything she wanted, why I went along with so much and why I stuck around.

In many ways, the pattern of abuse was identical to my relationship with a man who had narcissistic personality disorder (diagnosed, aware of it and chose not to engage in help). Except, I left him after four months, but for at least three of those I was kept on a string of believing I was the problem whilst he screamed in my face, bullied me and physically abused me.

My relationship with my mother lasted 23 years. For many of those years I was still a child. I was so easy to indoctrinate with ideas and beliefs that I was the root of all the problems in her world. I went with it. I've spent years feeling like I ruined my mother's life because that's what she told me. I've spent YEARS trying to make up for what I did by being born because that's what she told me to do.

It's led to me growing up to become a vulnerable adult. When I think someone loves me, I think their opinion about me must just be right. Because surely someone who loves you wouldn't tell you were a fat whore unless it was true, right?

It was so easy to dodge questions like 'why do you put up with her if she literally is so rude to you all the time?' with a 'idk. She's my best friend' because don't best friends speak every day? Don't best friends do things together constantly? Don't best friends scream at their best friend when they haven't spoken to them in 5 hours? Don't best friends kick and shout and scream when you say you're busy and can't do anything that day?

My friends witnessed many incidents with my mum and would ask, incredously, why the fuck I hang around her when she spoke to me that way, and it would just be a shrug. It was easier to go along with it than fight it. Fighting back meant being screamed at and frightening displays of controlling behaviour. It was as simple as if I hung around my mum daily, the abuse was at around 30-70% severity dependent on her mood. If I ignored her for a few days, then the abuse was at 80-100% severe. Imagine going to spend the day with someone who is going to yell at you every time you speak, put you down at every chance, find an insecurity and dig and dig and dig. So you avoid that by letting her abuse you just a bit less daily.

I was dependant on my mum for much of life's little things and she made sure of that. It's been hard and relying on my friends to help me is difficult and scary because I'm so used to it coming with a cupful of abuse. I'm always on edge, waiting for it to blow up in my face.

I also just don't know where to draw lines thanks to my mums abuse. How much abuse is too much? My chart is way off. I will keep trying cos god, the size of the cup of abuse my mum fed me daily was absolutely huge compared to the abuse I've ever had from others. Someone could say one nice thing about me and abuse me the rest of the day and that would still be less abuse than my mother dealt me.

I made so many excuses for her. She admitted fully she never wanted me from the start - my dad wanted me but when I was born, he changed his mind and got a job so she had to put her life on hold and so I ruined everything. I was a problem from the start because I was female, and that meant I was going to be abused in her eyes, so she detached herself (was she ever attached?) rather than even attempt to protect me. I excused her for that. I first shouldered the blame for why she hated me when I was 6/7 years old and she told me about her own past. The grand irony is that had she been watching, had she cared to pay attention, I would likely not have been abused. The grandest irony of all was that my biggest abuser was her.

I still catch myself excusing her. 'Oh I always went silent after she screamed at me for daring to ask her not to be nasty towards me. Maybe I could have spoken up more.' even though I know logically that only made things worse. I remember once asking her if I could remove the furniture from my bedroom when she was away (so I could store it in her room) so that I could remove the black mould growing all up my windows, my walls and (as I later discovered), all up the sides of my actual bed and mattress. I was so ill all of the time and my breathing was a mess. I could smell it all the time, it was so overwhelming and although I cleaned what I could, due to my bedroom being a closet, I couldn't get behind anything without removing everything. She said no. No reason, no explanation, just no. Like most things that benefitted me. I was incredibly frustrated and begged that I could barely breathe for mould, she screamed at me that I deserved it and it was my fault. Black mould had been a persistent problem in that room long before I moved into it, as she had lived there before and seen it. I finally raised my voice and told her I wasn't going to accept this blatant disregard for my health and I was going to do it next time she was away anyway. I was paying rent at that point but it did not stop her getting up and getting in my face and telling me to get the fuck out her house. The third or so time she had kicked me out. There was no reasoning with her. She liked it when I suffered.

She is a narcissist through and through and I have been suffocated by narcissistic abuse for 23 years. Even now, she attempts to abuse me via my brother and father and even the government. She has lost her victim - the last person willing to take her shit. Most her family and friends are not willing to help her for more than five minutes as she treats them unkindly when she realises they will take it and stick around. I've watched her do it, and it just gets worse and worse for those people like it did for me. But they leave, because it has not been 23 years for them.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm just... Through. My dad accepted my ultimatum and chose me. It's a weird feeling and a promise I hope he can keep. I know she asks him for information and I have told him to stop giving it to her repeatedly.

To those who think a mother deserves for their child to revere them permanently just because they birthed them... You're wrong. It is our actions and choices that shape our relationship and at every choice, my mother chose to act in her own interests with no care for anyone else. This is a woman who let a man beat her children whilst bragging to them he'd never hit her cos he knew she'd leave. I gave both my parents chances to mend our relationships and believe me, my dad was an appalling parent growing up. He was atrocious. But he decided he wanted to mend that relationship and he wanted to be a dad. Yes, it's sad he didn't realise it sooner but I'm happy for the relationship I have with him now, even if it's not perfect and he really doesn't know how to dad sometimes. My mum? My mum will still tell you it's my fault she finished her degree a year later than she wanted because I was born and I ruined everything 23 years ago. I dared to be born female and put that stress on her. She holds it over my head like it is my responsibility to fix. It has broken me. I've spent 23 years trying to make up to her the faults of my being born and nothing will ever, EVER be good enough to do that. I have given all I have to give. I literally have nothing left to give.