#idk what happened here this is so long
Text
i just realized will is the only Party member who hasn’t had his first kiss. i could not go a moment longer without fixing that. forgive my totally unedited word vomit and mike wheeler’s actual vomit <3
###
vecna is semi-defeated and they know he’s coming back soon because will and el said so but this is the first moment of freedom they’ve had since march and boy, does the Party celebrate: late august, wine coolers and burgers from the drive-thru in the surfer boy pizza van, going down the road as the van rattles, rusted out from years of wear and the long journey to find el, windows down, argyle inexplicably still in hawkins and blazing purple palm tree delight out the driver’s window, giving mike wheeler a contact high from his spot in the backseat.
argyle starts laughing for no apparent reason. everyone looks at him expectantly. “what? oh, man, that cashier,” argyle says languidly. “she looks just like my first kiss.”
jonathan laughs. “you remember what she looks like? wasn’t your first kiss at, like, 12?”
argyle smiles. “trust me, man, you wouldn’t forget this girl. sweetest lips on this side of the mississip.” jonathan rolls his eyes at argyle’s attempt at a rhyme and kicks his feet up on the dash.
argyle looks into the backseat as he turns a corner, addressing the boys in the van. “am i right, little brochachos?” lucas and max giggle, but the laughter everyone else has had throughout the ride dies down. mike’s eyes catch el’s, and they laugh nervously—they’d been each other’s first kiss, of course, and only recently split. dustin clocks it and speaks up.
“awkward, argyle,” he shouts over the music.
“what was that, little bro?”
“awkward, dude! it’s awkward back here.”
argyle smiles knowingly. “oh, i get it. not everyone here’s had their first kiss. take your time, little bros. let the loveboat swim to you.”
dustin rolls his eyes. “no, no, we’re not babies. everyone here’s definitely had their first kiss.”
mike swallows. does that mean—?
he looks at will, who’s separated from him only by dustin. as he notices will’s straight-ahead blank stare and nervous fidgeting at the topic of conversation, he also notices how the glow of the old streetlights they pass by outline will’s face perfectly, yellowish flashes glinting just over the slope of his nose each time they pass one, and he looks like something out of a movie and wow, mike really needs to get a grip, because this is getting ridiculous, and if it weren’t for argyle’s purple haze and the sips he’s taking of his sixth wine cooler of the night, he’d be having a full blown panic attack right now.
dustin continues. “it’s just… some of us have our first kisses back here. with us.”
“oh,” argyle says. then, looking vaguely into the backseat, his eyes widen: “OH.”
“yeah,” dustin mimics, “‘oh.’”
“sorry about that, my dudes. young love is a craaazy thing.”
max, lucas and el giggle from the way-back. “oh, it worked out for some of us. like, really, really worked out!” lucas shouts. max playfully taps him on the arm. “hey, how do you know i’m not just with you for the free ice cream?”
“i never said it was free!” lucas laughs. el tries to hold back her laugh for a faux deadpan, but her mouth twitches into a smile: “it’s true, max. he told me you have to pay him back for all of it. we’ve been keeping track.” she bursts out giggling in the end, biting into a chicken strip.
mike smiles. the three of them sound incredibly happy, and for maybe the first time ever he feels like a normal teenager, because this is what it’s about, isn’t it? fast food, your stoned older friends doing the designated driving, empty seagram’s bottles rattling around and more being opened because the hawkins police are still too scared to go outside at night after monsters invaded the town, your ex-girlfriend in the back, talking about shit like first kisses and laughing through the painful awkwardness and staring at the pretty boy on the other side of the van because you’re single and you can and—
shit, mike’s too buzzed for this. will would never—god, will would be so uncomfortable if he knew mike was staring at him, thinking about him in this way.
mike stares down at his near-empty drink. something in this conversation had sent a chill down his spine, what was it? everything’s a little fuzzy.
they hit a speed bump and he remembers—will’s had his first kiss. at least, according to dustin.
why wouldn’t he tell him? when did will like a girl? he knows it wasn’t angela like he originally thought, because it turns out she was a raging asshole, so who was it?
was it even a girl?
mike shakes his head. no, no, we can’t start thinking like that, he tells himself. you know how this ends. it ends with awkward breakups with your girlfriend two weeks ago and she pity-smiles at you because she can tell your heart is living somewhere dark and wrong and then inviting your best friend over to play nintendo that very same night because god what is wrong with you, can’t you give it one day, can’t you control yourself—it ends with pulling your best friend into a tight hug and thanking him for coming over and being there for you and wondering if he might like boys and when he goes to leave and he latches the door behind him you feel like a piece of you has been severed, like you just died, because suddenly you can’t live without him, and you’ve got it bad, in a way you didn’t even know boys could have it for other boys, in a way that feels so right and incredibly wrong.
they pull up to the byers’ new house in hawkins.
they’ve elected to spend the rest of the night goofing around downstairs in the new basement, something joyce and will and jonathan spent all week sprucing up when they moved in (despite hop’s insistence that he can reach that or he can hammer in that nail, they wouldn’t let him help because it’s theirs) because they’re so damn proud of it, never having been able to afford a house with two stories and a basement before. will beamed when he invited everyone over for the first time.
“chez byers, little dudes,” argyle announces, jonathan reaching over to turn down the music as they park, not wanting to wake joyce and hop. but as they walk in, argyle jostles the kids. “hey guys, sorry again about the, uhhh, extreme awkwardness on the ride home. i didn’t realize everyone’s first kiss was in the backseat. uber awkward.”
dustin laughs. “it’s cool, man. besides, not everyone’s first kiss was back there. my girlfriend, suzie—oh, you’ve met her. she lives in utah. she was my first kiss.”
argyle smiles fondly. “ah, suzie. sister of the goddess. how could i forget?” mike and will trail behind them, exchanging a glance and stifling a laugh, remembering how argyle fell in… crush at first sight with eden. god, that whole day, whole trip, was a fever dream.
argyle whips his head around. “and what about you, baby byers? where’s the lucky lad or lady?”
mike’s heart skips a beat. someone just acknowledged that a boy—will—might’ve had his first kiss with… well, another boy. that it was a possibility.
but it’s just argyle, and he’s always dreaming up utopian worlds where there’s no government and everyone eats garlic bread and plays guitar and smokes ganja all day, so it’s not anything to take seriously and get his hopes up about… right?
will’s eyes dart around, making eye contact with everyone except mike. he smiles softly. “oh, it was nothing. um. just someone in california.” will’s pace picks up, like he doesn’t want to be left in the dust next to mike.
but suddenly, mike feels something rising in his throat, and he’s pushing ahead of everyone and running into the byers’ downstairs bathroom, barely making it, and before he knows it, he’s bent over the toilet, retching, max holding his long hair back, and looking down at the contents of the bowl saying “yeah, we’re gonna need reinforcements”, will fetching him a water and a spare toothbrush and some clean clothes.
as mike comes down, dizzy, his nausea hasn’t been alleviated. he doesn’t want to believe it’s real; will has kissed somebody.
###
the Party sits in a circle in the basement, passing around water and 7up, munching on doritos to absorb the sugar in an attempt prevent a hangover, but somehow, mike doesn’t think he’ll avoid it. “buddy, you drank way more than everyone else,” dustin says when mike insists he “didn’t drink that much” and “has no idea why he threw up.”
they idly play a few card games and put on a movie that no one pays attention to, and around 1am, el announces that she’s going up to her room because she’s exhausted, and lucas and max bid their goodnights, yawning, following el up the stairs, still whispering and laughing like usual.
dustin follows suit. “robin’s got a band recital tomorrow morning that steve and i promised her we’d make it to. you guys are invited, by the way, but i have a feeling you’ll be out of commission, wheeler,” dustin snorts as he claps mike on the shoulder. “see you later, will. get some rest, you guys. drink a lot of water.”
he shuts the basement door, leaving just will and mike sitting on the couch. mike moves to get up. “i guess i should—“
will laughs at him and gently tugs mike’s wrist, pulling him to sit back down. “mike, hell no. you’re not biking or walking anywhere. you’re staying here.”
“i—“ mike doesn’t protest much, because he knows will’s right about his current state of being (like always). he’s tipsy and tired and vaguely nauseous and he wouldn’t fare well to try to and go anywhere right now. “yeah. should i, uh… is your living room okay? like, to sleep? i don’t want to wake anyone up.”
will’s acting a little quiet and jumpy; mike fears will’s caught onto his stares and frankly ridiculous obsession with him tonight. “oh, no, you’re good to stay down here. there’s a blanket behind you. actually, i’ll...” he clears his throat. “i should be getting to bed.” he gets up and smiles softly. “need anything before i go?” mike shakes his head. “all right. well, uh, there’s water and snacks in the kitchen, help yourself. night, mike.”
he starts to go up the stairs, but mike stops him. “will. wait.”
when will turns around, he’s not sure what his plan is; he just knows that he doesn’t want will to leave. not yet. mike fidgets with the messy bun at the back of his head, tightening it and tucking in stray hairs.
“um,” he continues, and will walks back toward him. “was it true?”
something changes in will’s eyes. “was what true?”
“did you have your first kiss? in california? with…” a girl? a boy? “with someone?”
will sighs and laughs a little. “look, mike, we’re drunk and…”
“yeah, i mean, we don’t have to talk about it, i just…” mike’s voice gets quiet. “i wondered why you never told me. i mean, all that time we spent together, on the road in the van… i’m surprised it didn’t come up. that’s all.”
will’s hands come up to rub his eyes, and he lets out a small yawn. he comes to sit next to mike on the couch and puts his head in his hands. he looks up and over at mike. “promise you won’t tell the others?” and suddenly it’s a lot like halloween years ago and mike’s heart clenches. all at once, he’s sober as he’s ever been.
“yeah, of course. of course i won’t tell anyone.” mike’s voice is soft and quiet.
“okay. so the truth is…” mike’s heart pounds in anticipation. “the truth is i’ve never kissed anyone.”
“what?” mike is surprised his voice comes out so disbelieving, a strange mix of relief and surprise. “no way.” he can’t believe no one’s wanted to kiss will yet. i mean, just look at him. i’m sure he’s got girls—and, mike’s pulse quickens, boys—lining up around the block in lenora.
will sits back against the cushions and shrugs, hands in his lap. “alas… it’s true.” mike and will laugh.
“why didn’t you say that, before? in the van, or… to argyle?”
“you know why.”
it’s true; mike does know. will doesn’t like to be treated like he’s sensitive or breakable. if he’d told everyone he hadn’t had his first kiss yet, he’d be met with a chorus of “awww”s and “you’re a catch, you’ll meet the right person eventually”s. mike knows will would hate that.
mike nods. “yeah. i do.”
will sighs. “yeah, it’s just… i don’t know. it’s stupid.”
but now, mike is invested. “no, it’s not stupid. whatever it is. you don’t have to tell me, but i know it’s not stupid.”
will smiles softly. “it’s just… i want it to be special, you know?”
mike suddenly feels very aware that he’s wearing will’s borrowed t-shirt and sweatpants, and that he can taste will’s toothpaste that he borrowed on the back of his tongue, and that he’s in this room, right now, one leg tucked underneath him and the other planted on will’s basement carpet.
“like i said,” will continues, “it’s stupid.”
mike touches will’s shoulder before he can help it. “no. no, it’s not. like, at all.”
will doesn’t shy away from the touch. mike’s happy they’re back to this, now, after a full year of tense arguments and miscommunication between them.
“yeah, i mean… max and lucas, they’re special together. they really love each other. and you and el…” will looks like he just remembered, and gives mike a sad look. “i’m sorry. i know it’s a… fresh wound. but it was still special, you know? el’s amazing. it’s like that girl argyle talked about from when he was 12 or whatever.” they start laughing. “you’ll never forget that el was your first kiss.”
“i—“ i wish it was you, mike almost says, and god he’s stupid, that was so close. i wish it was you and i realized that tonight as soon as argyle opened his mouth about first kisses and i looked over at you and you were positively glowing in the shitty streetlights of this stupid town, shining brighter than anyone who’s ever been in this place.
he remembers what will told him in the back of the van in march: like ripping off a bandaid. so he says something, hopefully not too incriminating, because if he doesn’t release some of the pressure, he’s pretty sure he’s going to die.
“hawkins doesn’t deserve you.” will’s glance shoots over to mike, and their eyes lock. mike brings his other leg up to the couch, shaking, sitting crisscrossed, pushing the words out even though they’re so, so stuck. “really, it doesn’t, and… and there’s no one in this stupid town that deserves you.”
will doesn’t say anything, just watches mike intently.
“so if you didn’t have your first kiss in lenora…” mike tries to lighten the mood again, but he doesn’t think it works. “i don’t know if i ever want you to, at least not until you get out of hawkins, because jesus, have you met some of these people?” mike gestures vaguely out into the world above them, outside of the safety and sacredness of will’s basement.
his shoulders start to shake with laughter, and will’s do too, and max’s hair tie starts falling out of mike’s hair, and when it falls on the sofa between them will snatches it and shoots it at him, mike feigns an “ow!” and they don’t stop laughing because mike’s right, hawkins is such an absolute piece of shit, these people royally suck and no one understands that better than his best friend, and if any of these wastoids put their lips on will byers, he might have to kill them.
in their fits of laughter, mike accidentally sits on the remote, which both hits play and blasts the volume and the goonies starts playing at maximum loudness and will laughs “shit, shit” as he pushes mike aside looking for the remote, and when he finally finds it and clicks the tv off, he’s hovering close to mike, who’s still crisscrossed.
will looks hard into his eyes. all mike can do is stare back. someone needs to do something or else—
“hey!” will is tickling him on his sides, then under his arms when mike puts his hands up in mock self defense, and he has to get back at him so he pulls will onto the floor, both of them landing with a thump, and they push at each other and grab each other’s wrists and try to attack the other with a stray tickle here and there until will grabs mike’s face and puts a thumb over his mouth and says “shhh, shhh, my mom and hop, they’re sleeping” as both their faces are wet with teary laughter.
“also,” will continues, letting go when he realizes he’s still holding onto mike’s face, “you’re wrong.”
mike’s brows furrow—what?
“about hawkins.”
mike snorts. “no, i’m pretty sure hawkins sucks. like, really bad.”
“no, not that—it does, it totally does. it’s just that…” will sucks in a breath, looking at the floor now, mumbling. “you live here. in hawkins.”
mike doesn’t let himself believe that will is headed where it sounds like he’s headed. “i sure do, and i totally suck,” mike laughs.
will doesn’t, and his eyes turn soft. “hey, mike, that’s not funny. you don’t suck.”
“everyone had to go home because i couldn’t handle my liquor and i threw up.”
will rolled his eyes. “first of all, it wasn’t liquor. second… cut yourself some slack. when’s the last time any of us have gotten to be teenagers? like real, obnoxious teenagers?”
mike wonders how will was hearing inside his head earlier. he smiles to himself, fingertips fiddling with the ankle of the socks he borrowed from will. “never.”
“we can start now.”
“oh, i think jonathan got us off to a good start earlier with that 12-pack. and the second one. and the third one.”
will cracks a smile and blinks, long and slow. “but mike… i’m missing something. something i’ve always wanted to do.”
mike tries not to get distracted by will’s pretty eyelashes and frowns. “what is it? beer pong? because i played that with nancy one time and it is totally not as fun as it looks.”
will chuckles. “no, mike. i’ve played beer pong, actually, and i’m like, super good at it.”
mike goes red in the face a little. why is that attractive? he’s so done for.
“you played beer pong without me?” mike jests, poking will in the cheek.
“mike.”
“will.”
“i want you to kiss me.”
mike’s sure his heart has stopped.
“will…” mike gulps. “it’s really okay you haven’t had your first kiss. i mean, it’s nothing special.”
will’s mouth drops open, playfully. “michael! you are in big trouble. i’m going to tell el you said that.”
mike shakes his head. “no, no, it’s just like… it’s not a big deal. it’s easy. you don’t need to be in a… hurry to get kissed. or kiss someone.” his heart races again. will kissing someone. how would it be, if they kissed? would he take the lead because he’s a little experienced? or would will, because he requested it? or—
stop it, mike tells himself. he doesn’t really want this. it’s not happening.
“then show me.”
mike’s eyes go wider than they’ve possibly ever been. “i— huh?”
“if it’s not a big deal, then why can’t i just have my first kiss with you right here, right now, in my basement? since it’s not a big deal.” will glances at his lips, and the boldness sends a rush of something brand new through mike. he thinks of how lenora must’ve changed will, boosted his confidence; how he can’t believe he’s got it in him, but how well it suits him all the same. like this is who will was always meant to be. “show me how much it doesn’t mean.”
the words force themselves out of mike’s throat the same way the wine-cooler remains had done earlier. “i can’t.” kissing you means everything to me, so to kiss you now, when you think it means nothing, would be a lie. and if it’s the only time i ever get to kiss you, i don’t think i’ll survive after that.
will looks confused, a little hurt. he starts to lean back, distance himself from mike.
“no, will, i— i can’t do it because it would be a lie.”
“mike, i get it. i’m sorry, i just thought—“
“listen. please.” he’s got to do this. he knows things will never be the same again and that will is probably going to kick him out of his house after this, but he has to show will that he didn’t get rejected just now. he’s perfectly willing to throw his whole heart on the line to show him that. “if i say it’s not a big deal, and then i kiss you? that’s… that’s a lie. because it is a big deal to me. you are a big deal to me.”
will blinks, eyes soft. “mike…”
but the dam has broken, and mike continues. “will, it’s not…” i’m head over heels for you. it’s pathetic, actually. “i know you don’t feel the same way. don’t even say it, i get it, i just can’t kiss you if you…”
“i don’t feel the same way as what?” mike feels tears start to prick the corners of his eyes. will notices and wipes them away with his thumb as they start to fall. this is startlingly tender in a way they haven’t approached before, not since they were really young. “hey, it’s okay. i’m here. what… what did you mean by, you know i don’t feel the same?”
mike is shaking his head, looking away. “it’s stupid. i can’t even say it. it’s so stupid.”
“what i’m hearing…” will lowers his voice as though someone could hear them and get them in trouble, even down here. he inhales sharply. “i can’t believe i’m saying this, but what i’m hearing is that you… like me. and i’m sure that’s not what you mean,” will chuckles, “so i’m going to need you to speak up—”
mike looks up and meets will’s eyes. will really doesn’t get it. “no, that’s it. that’s the truth.”
will just blinks. “what?”
“that’s the truth. i like you. a lot. too much. and… and i know we’re both guys and that’s not a real thing but… will, i can’t stop thinking about you.”
he expects will to cut him off, but he does the opposite. he sits, listening, open.
“when you left my house the night of the breakup? i just knew. i just knew that it was you. that you were everything to me. and i know you aren’t…” into boys. like me. “and we can’t… but i just needed you to know that i would never, ever turn down kissing you, not in a million years, except that doing this knowing you don’t feel that too is… shit, that would hurt. i don’t know how i’d come back from that.”
will’s eyes glisten with impending tears and his mouth is slightly open and mike thinks he’ll actually pass out if will doesn’t say something, anything. so he keeps talking, trying to give will something better to respond to.
“and i know that it—i know it made me such a shitty boyfriend to el because i wasn’t thinking about her like that anymore, no matter how hard i tried, and… god, she commissioned that painting, and when you told me it was from her?” mike scrubs a hand over his face. “i didn’t feel a thing. it’s so selfish, but i… i wanted you to feel all of that for me. i wanted you to need me.”
will starts shaking his head, opens his mouth to speak but mike cuts him off.
“i know, i know, it’s so fucked up and i didn’t mean to hurt your sister like that. god, will, i’m so fucking sorry—“
“mike. look at me.”
he does.
“what if i told you,” will seems to be approaching the point with caution, “that i’ve lied to you before?”
mike looks confused. he runs a hand through his hair, whole body giving little anxious jerks with each movement. “that’s hard to believe. i mean, my first thought would be, what is there that you couldn’t tell me the truth about?”
“mike…” will takes a deep breath in. “el, she—she didn’t commission the painting.”
oh. mike’s face falls. “what—so why’d you paint it? why would you tell me that? i take it you were just looking out for el.”
will shakes his head, looking almost irritated. “no, no. it was… for a selfish reason, actually. that i painted it. and that i lied.”
mike can’t do anything but watch in anticipation.
“what i said about el, that day… about needing you and not wanting to lose you and pushing you away because she was so, so scared… el… she never said any of that.”
mike’s eyes go wide. “you missed me.” will nods earnestly. “why wouldn’t you just say that? you’re my best friend, will. there’s no reason to lie about that.” but as soon as he finishes the sentence, mike knows. mike knows the only reason someone would lie about something like that, and he’s sober and more awake than ever but he absolutely cannot wrap his brain about it no matter how hard he tries. there’s no way.
“will. there’s no way.” will reaches out and rests a hand on mike’s knee. he just nods. “will, you’re fucking with me. you’re just fucking with me right now.” he pokes will in the shoulder, shakes him a little, making sure he’s real.
will just laughs and nods again. his smile goes wide. mike couldn’t even function right now if someone paid him.
will starts. “i’m sorry that i—“
“i’m sorry that you lied, too.” will looks taken aback by this. “imagine how much time we…” mike shakes his head. “im sorry. is this real right now? are you really here?”
and he feels will’s hand on the back of his neck and will’s voice in his ear saying “you tell me,” and then he feels warm lips pressed to his, and for a while he’s frozen because how is this happening, and it’s the most simple kiss in the world but wow it feels perfect, and he never wants it to end.
he reaches forward and nervously slides an arm around will’s waist, pulling him as close as you can get when you’re both sitting crisscrossed on the floor, when you’re sitting on the floor with your best friend who wants you too, and mike can hardly breathe as they break apart.
“see?” mike murmurs against will’s lips, confidence restored. “just a first kiss. no big deal.”
that same night there’s a second. a third. a fourth. a twenty-seventh.
#byler#*stubbornly refuses to post on ao3 bc i’m on mobile & very lazy*#idk what happened here this is so long#yes i implied elumax because i love them#el is super supportive of mike btw. he’s just feeling insecure in this fic so that’s why he thinks she was being vaguely homophobic LOL#my repressed boy#el is happier than ever now that she has max back#tw emetophobia#byler fanfic#byler ficlet
232 notes
·
View notes
Text
it is all chaos and entropy. the thing is that the chaos and entropy make it beautiful and lovely.
yes, it's true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is terrifying. i have lived through some of the unfairness - i got born like this, with my body caving into itself, with this ironic love of dance when i sometimes can't stand up for longer than 15 minutes. i am a poet with hands that are slowly shutting down - i can't hold a pen some days. recently i found a dead bird on our front porch. she had no visible injuries. she had just died, the way things die sometimes.
it is also true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is wonderful. the sheer happenstance that makes rain turn into a rainbow. the impossible coincidence of finding your best friend. i have made so many mistakes and i have let myself down and i have harmed other people by accident. nature moves anyway. on the worst day of my life she delivers me an orange juice sunset, as if she is saying try again tomorrow.
how vast and unknowing the universe! how small we are! isn't that lovely. the universe has given us flowers and harp strings and the shape of clouds. how massive our lives are in comparison to a grasshopper. the world so bright, still undiscovered. even after 30 years of being on this earth, i learned about a new type of animal today: the dhole.
chance echoing in my life like a harmony between two people talking. do you think you and i, living in different worlds but connected through the internet - do you think we've ever seen the same butterfly? they migrate thousands of miles. it's possible, right?
how beautiful the ways we fill the vastness of space. i love that when large amounts of people are applauding in a room, they all start clapping at the same time. i love that the ocean reminds us of our mother's heartbeat. i love that out of all the colors, chlorophyll chose green. i love the coincidences. i love the places where science says i don't know, but it just happens.
"the universe doesn't care about you!" oh, i know. that's okay. i care about the universe. i will put my big stupid heart out into it and watch the universe feast on it. it is not painful. it is strange - the more love you pour into the unfeeling world, the more it feels the world loves you in return. i know it's confirmation bias. i think i'm okay if my proof of kindness is just my own body and my own spirit.
i buried the bird from our porch deep in the woods. that same day, an old friend reaches out to me and says i miss you. wherever you go, no matter how bad it gets - you try to do good.
#writeblr#warm up#i can't write rn but i have SO much words in here bc im reading the chorus of dragons books#(just started book 4)#and this woman's writing is just LIVING in my brain. let me out!!!#(i read roughly like 2-4 books a week usually bc i go on long walks with my dog but when a book is REALLY good like. it eats my life. )#anyway ...... so like here's a story that idk i've tried to explain to other people as being wild#but maybe im the only one who thinks it is wild???#so i play pokemon go (i just started in jan) bc i love pokemon and as i have mentioned i walk goblin for like an hour in the morning#and i don't like a lot of fitness trackers due to the fact it makes me .sad. but i also wanted the little digital rewards. enter pokemon go#anyway so they make you make friends to complete quests. so i used a reddit thread. i do not usually use reddit. i don't have an acct#i lurked. i just googled like ''pokemon go reddit '' and randomly added a bunch of numbers#i was on that page for all of 15 minutes. there are THOUSANDS of responses on that page.#here's what's wild: in that group of people. even though i am not on reddit and it was one random event once#it turns out one of those people lives in the town i live in. or at least very close. i only know this because#when we send each other gifts. it's from the same freaking area.#i can't ask them to meet up bc pokemon go doesn't have a messaging app lol but like . what are the fucking chances that#a random person posts in a random reddit thread and HAPPENS to get added by someone ELSE from their SAME TOWN#who by pure fucking CHANCE is ALSO playing pokemon go and looking for friends#i googled it there's only 42000 people in my broad region. the .......... smallness ! of the world!!!
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
somewhere on Coruscant
Fives: I can't find Captain Rex anywhere.
Boil: have you checked with General Skywalker?
Fives: why would I check with the general?
Waxer: whenever we can't find Commander Cody, we always ask General Kenobi first.
Boil: nine times out of ten, Cody is wherever the general is. or the general is where Cody is, hard to tell the difference sometimes.
Waxer: otherwise, the general always knows where Cody is.
Boil: except that one time on Pantora—
Waxer: ugh, the royal guardsmen who befriended Cody!
Boil: and we had to track him to that sabaac parlor.
Waxer: and remove that colonel who was practically in his lap—
Boil: the look on the general's face!
Waxer: I'm sure the general didn't let Cody out of his reach the rest of the night.
Boil: kriff, they didn't show up on the bridge the next day until well after midday.
Echo: okay, that's... not what's happening here.
Fives: but I'd love to hear more incriminating evidence.
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
my TWO FAVORITE THINGS IN THE WORLD, VAMPIRES N COWBOYS...
deacon keller is SUCH a fun character, hes charming and funny but ALSO formidable and STRONG when he feels he needsta be.
i hope him and arthur can get a chance to talk more and be better friends.
l ike really good friend s. . like. like really good f. hangon i gotta go i think i hauve rabies.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi suckening#jrwi suckening spoilers#deacon keller#arthur bennett#OOUGUGHHAAOGUguguhh i feel so cringe whenever i ship two characters. like theyre not even REAL#why cant i be more 'hyperfixated' on getting bitched or something. CHRIST. anwyay i want em to hold hands or smth. yknow. freak stuff.#SO DEACON KELLER!! HE OVERHEARD ARTHUR TALKIN ABT THIS PLACE GETTING ATTACKED.. WE SAW HIM APPROACHING#AND THEN THE WHOLE FEAST PORTION OF THE PARTY HAPPENED N HE GOT STUCK#BUT HE KNEEEWW HE OVERHEARD ARTHUR SOMEHOW!! i just think thats neat. hes dedicated to protecting his people. hes respectable!!#GOD he doesnt even have that much screen time but i LOVE HIMMM n his silly lil shadow steed named Sunshine.. like cmon.... ugh.....#hes sweet n hes funny and he CAARES about the things hes in charge of on some levels. he certainly does his best to look after his own.#god idk what else to write here other than how much hes been on my MMMIND lately. the doctors are still running diagnostiscs#i just think hes so neat... also i think its funny that hes afraid o snakes. OH YKNOW lemme just talk abt my damn art. first o all this too#SSSOOO LONG. WEEKS EVEN.IVE BEEN WORKIN ON IT SINCE EP 5 WAS ON PATREON.it was sposed to be justa buncha doodles but then it Evolved#idk man...cowboys are just so cool...especially w VAMP POWERS..fastest shot in the west for a REASON BABY...n with the red smoke#n the glowing eyes..CMOn thats so cool i hadta get my visions into reality. the eyes were inspired by the music video for RATTLESNAKE (kglw#that where the IM THE SERPENT lines come from.lyrics from tha song.ooh yeah i love kglw so much...i also have other hidden messages here#i like to hide things...ALSO ALSO. I HAD SO MUCH TROUBLE W SO MUCH O THIS. the two bits with arthur n deacon biting eachother. AGONY#POSES ARE SO HHARRDDD SAME WITH THAT doodle o arthur slammin deacons head into the ground. WEEKS to get that pose RIGHT. I BLED SO MUCH#OHH AND GUNS???COWBOYHATS?? HIS GAY LIL JACKET? W THE DANGLIES?? AGOONYYY IT TOOK SO LONG TO PERFECT IT..especialy guns. OUUUHH#i also dont draw mustaches enough... which sucks bc im weak for a good mustache... BUT i think im doing pretty well on that.#it was hard but yknow what!! i think i did good! i rly like how this all turned out!! EXCEPT FOR THA FUCKIN RIBBON BOW THING I FORGOT TODRA#IN THE TOP RIGHT... THAT I JSUT NOTICED...its fine its fine i dont care that much. this is good enough to FEAST upon so im content n happy.#anyway i gotta leave ina few hours to start TRAINING for my NEW JOB!! CHEER FOR ME!! TRUCK IS A BLACKJACK DEALER NOW!! IEAAAHHH BABYYYY!!!!#thanku for reading my weird lil scrolls i bury beneath my posts. if u leave tags i WILL absorb them. and feel joy.
170 notes
·
View notes
Note
can.. can I ask for an affectionate reader with characters who aren’t normally like… used to the love? like, not just through words but physical affection like hand-holding, kisses, hugs, all that shebang. probably with a few people like yelan, ei, basically any character that is either cut-off from society or seems socially distant or isolated. 😞
☆ affectionate reader with yelan, ei, & furina
[ 4.2 Archon Quest spoilers ]
× yelan
Varies between how you display your affection, to be honest. Just like being affectionate with people? She's cool with it as long as you don't pop by while she's working (mostly because she'll end up dragging you into it for a bit of fun). I don't think she's all that touchy feely herself, but she'll absolutely get you gifts instead– like pretty knick nacks? She'll make sure to snag any she thinks you might like. Like a good meal? Sure, she'll take you out to one of the restaurants in the city, doesn't matter how expensive. Her treat. If you do prefer physical gifts rather then being taken out, you'll eventually get used to the random unmarked letters and packages showing up where your staying pretty often. It's obvious to know who it came from even if she never signs anything.
Flirty reader, though? Whole nother can of worms and now it's a challenge. The more confident you are the more interested she is. The other acolytes would absolutely seethe at the idea but she has no hesitation at just straight up flirting back– she's as charismatic as they come and she's got a poker face that's basically impenetrable. She'll probably also make a bet to see who cracks first (she always wins, unsurprisingly). Probably won't get dragged into any of her schemes this way but if you ask politely maybe she'll consider it, anyway.
The smell of freshly brewed tea and the clatter of dice across wood was a common sight at the Yanshang Teahouse– less common was the woman secluded in the far corner, her lips pulled into a grin that flashed fangs and a look that would scare off the most confident of men.
She'd normally try to scope out any new blood that'd made the mistake of stepping into her teahouse and was equally stupid enough to accept a gamble against her just for the thrill of it, but she was far too absorbed in the warm body at her side, one of her die clasped tightly in their hand as she guided them through the motions– they had a knack for it, she had to admit. The thought made her preen, the clatter of the die as it rolled across the table giving her that subtle, familiar rush.
Even if she knew exactly where it'd land.
"Six. Hm, maybe you're just lucky," She muses, plucking the die from the table and holding it up to her eye like a prized jewel, "Or maybe you're not as innocent as you'd have us believe." There's a sharp glint in her eyes at the prospect, but everyone else has the sense to keep their heads down and their words to themselves as she tosses the die herself.
"So why don't we find out and make a bet, just between you and me?"
× ei
Varies between Ei and the Shogun, because you'll probably be seeing either as much as the other. Sometimes you gotta really squint to tell who it is sometimes, but you get used to it. Both are fairly similar, though, in that their first instinct (especially in public) is to tense up like you're about to attack them or something. Difference is Ei eventually relaxes after a solid minute of trying to process your sudden affection and, if no one else is around, she might even reciprocate. Just don't tease her for being a little stiff and awkward about it, she's trying. That's what happens when your only company is a robot and uh. Nothing. For like 500 years. She's trying. Raiden, on the other hand, is just about as awkward as you can imagine. She's polite (blunt) about it because Ei is fond of you and also you are. The Creator. But she's not really built to deal with personal relationships and so she doesn't know how to deal with affection.
..Depending on what you do you may or may not blue screen Ei hard enough that she retreats back to PoE
Ei usually isn't fond of sitting still, unless it's to meditate. At least then she goes in with a purpose, something to achieve– but now, she's just focused on trying not to make a fool of herself. Her muscles are starting to ache from how hard she's tensing, though, in an effort to sit as straight and still as possible as their hands glide through her hair, weaving it into a single braid.
She can just barely hear the subtle lilt of their voice as they hum– and though it is soothing, it is also..very distracting. She can't focus long enough to try and meditate, too lost in the gentle rise and fall of their voice and the care they take to braid her hair. If she'd had a heart, she'd sure it'd be beating so wildly against her ribcage they could hear it.
But then it stops– their hands fall back to their sides and their humming falters. She freezes, too, racking her brain for any slights she must have committed. Instead, she is met with a calm, tender touch on the back of her neck, making her inhale sharply.
"Am I making you uncomfortable, Ei? You're so tense.." She has to grit her teeth to stop herself from bowing so low her head presses against the ground, her hands folded in her lap, clenching instinctively. "..No, Divine One." She answers simply, trying to contain the adoration swelling in her chest.
Yet as much as she tries to relax, to ease their worries, she finds that she cannot.
"Hm." That small murmur, a simple sound that nearly made her jump, was the only warning she got before they scooted closer, wrapping their arms around her stomach and resting their chin on her shoulder with a grin she would liken to Miko's, if she dared to make such a comparison. "Really?"
She swears she must've been feverish at the affection, lightheaded and dazed until she thought she might simply perish at the brush of their hands against her own.
Much to her embarrassment, however, she doesn't realize she's instinctively pulled back into Plane of Euthymia until she sees the familiar dull purples engulf her vision once again.
Though only a small solace, it seemed a little..brighter, this time.
× furina
Varies between pre 4.2 and post 4.2 archon quests to be honest.
Pre 4.2 she comes off as very vain– of course the most Divine would see fit to spoil her with affection! She deserves it, and is obviously their favorite! Just don't look too hard because she's terrible at hiding how flustered she actually is. Absolutely goes home right after and screams into her pillow for at least thirty minutes minimum.
Post 4.2 she's a lot more openly bashful and flustered. She's really not used to affection and even the smallest show of it has her folding immediately. Now that she doesn't need to worry about being found out she's a lot more receptive to affection. Cup her cheeks and compliment her and her knees are buckling. Like. Especially weak for compliments and praise (she deserves it. please spoil her).
She swears she must be hallucinating– she had been having trouble sleeping recently. But..no. The visage of the Creator was as real as the sweat beading on her brow as she stared at them for a long, awkward moment. Should..she let them in? But then they'd see the pathetic state she was in, and the last thing she wanted to do was make a fool of herself in front of them-!
Her choice was quickly made for her, anyway, as she let out an undignified squeak of surprise when they suddenly tugged her forward into their chest, enclosing her in a hug.
Her first reaction was to freeze– her second was becoming absolutely flustered, her cheeks flushing a soft pink and her mouth closing and opening as she tried to find her words.
"I– ah..um." She stumbled over her words instead, floundering like a fish out of water. Yet she felt a distinct sense of emptiness wash over her when they finally pulled back, looking a touch sheepish. "Sorry, sorry– you just looked like you needed a hug."
The silence spoke for itself, her shoulders tensing slightly. But the way the concern and affection bled through their voice made her waver, her hands trembling as she let out a shaky breath that almost sounded like a sigh.
"It's..It's fine! Fine, I'm fine." She repeated, trying desperately to ignored the way her voice cracked and how hot her face felt– though it was more an attempt to affirm herself that she was not thinking about how warm they felt, how much she..actually enjoyed the hug. She wasn't thinking about it all! Absolutely not!
..Maybe a little.
"Just warn me next time, please?"
#asks#sagau#genshin sagau#self aware genshin#genshin impact sagau#self aware genshin impact#fic tag#genshin cult au#genshin impact cult au#yelan#furina#ei#THIS DIDNT SHOW UP IN MY INBOX UNTIL LIKE#NOVEMBERBIM SORRY IM ANSERRING IT SO LATE??????#tumblr working right is a miracle that will never happen#anyway can u tell i have. biases. there r so many characters I wanted to write for this (shenhe.........) but I forced myself to limit it#to 4 for my own sanity and everyones elses#also didnt know if u wanted just yan or sagau so I went for my specialty 🧍♂️#was gonna include my beloved cryo archon but decided against it#ei the pathetic lesbian that u r....mwah#I'm sorry this took so long it took me 50 yrs to figure out yelan.. 😭#i am still not confident abt my characterization of her but shes so good at her job even im confused abt her#reading her lore crying and sobbing in the corner. shaking her like a can of soda#checks note idk uhh cocky doesnt let herself form personal relationships charismatic uhhhhhhhh#idk dont ask me i just started praying and hoping for the best here#i think she'd get a kick out of getting reader into like. fudging rolls and shit. create an absolute menace out of reader#set them loose and see what chaos happens#just kicks back and watches it all unfold internally laughing her ass off#i didnt know whether to just do headcanons in uh. bulleted list or like#full on drabbles
267 notes
·
View notes
Photo
the death of cassandra jones
#my art#rottmnt#rise of the tmnt#rottmnt movie#rise of the tmnt movie#blood#implied death#AAAHUUHHGH#this was originally going to be only 2 PAGES#what happened? IDK#neural network brain just kept thinking and adding#Also. im gonna clear this up now before anyone asks#No leo cannot portal#he doesnt have his odachi. the krang neutralize mystic energy.#why would anyone run on foot in this apocalypse if they didnt have to (re: the movie)#also i think its part of why mikey looks the way he does#using mystic energy when its supposed to be dead and gone#idk the specifics idk watever who cares im not a writer#see now im going on this tangent. do u understand why this comic got so long#ANYWAY. i hope people like this bc im proud of a lot of my layouts here#im gonna go stretch my hand now#oh almost forgot this tag#bad future
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
originnssssss who remembers origins i Loved origins
Lowkey i ate with rhis actually no i didn't i ate wirh rhat ENDER EYE Why is it so rendered Hello
IGNORW RHEIR UGLY UGLY DESIGNS This was before they switched to their iconic Skins past e didn't know......
#loosely based off of this old thing it's under the Cut#origins smp#beeduo#beeduo fanart#idk what other tags to put i cant put C because this isn't C this is O..... but like do people even check those tags idk#actually no im scared i heard theres been like three failed origins revivals i dont want to interfere with their character ecosystem i was#only there for the first one😅#i rewatched some origins streams a little while ago oh my god theyre SO FUNNY#DUDE DOES ANUONE REMMEBER THAT ONE STREAM I COUDLNT FIND RHIS ONE STREAM#IR EAS LIKE THE ONE WHERE TUBBO WAS SINGING SUGAR BY MAROON FIVE thats all i remmeber ANF ALSO RNE can i call you senpaaiiii bit thay shit h#ad me CRYING in 2021 Please i swear this happened imnot crazy but also they might have been separate streams actuallu i dont rememebr its#been wayyyyyyy too long#BUT IT HAPPENED I PROMISE Sorry i've been gone for a while ive been very busy lots of Things going on went to Six flags then jad a surprise#bday party then i had to buy shoes for prom then Go to prom and also i do figure skating and am out like every day idknt have Time im sorry☹#had a crepe yesterday it was sooooo goood im like learning to drive too that shit is boring as hell my dad kept gettign 😑 bc i couldn't stop#yawning DRIVING IS SO BORING its not my fault😭😭😭😭#ok what else ohhhh. y god i locked in SO HARD for this physics essay u guys dont even knowim getting ONE HUNDRED on that trust i just really#wanted to share ok i love you bge#WAIT ACTUALLT SORRU IM LIKE REMMEBERJNG THE ORIGINS STREAMS K WAYCHED#RANBOO WAS SO FUCKING FUNNT IN THOSE STREAMS TOO LIKE I REMEMBER NIKI WANTED TO SEE THEIR BASE and tubbo was like ooh maybe we can put like#water down here for you niki we need a water system and ranwas like Do we though?I WAD WAYCHING THAT .LIKE DAMMMNNNNNN OM LIKE GIGGLING WRIT#ING THIS RIGHT NOW I CAN HEARTHE CLIP HE DID NOTTT WANT HER IJNTHEIR BASE😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#I NEED TO FIDN THAT STREAM WHERE IRS LIKE TOMMY AND JACK A D FHEHRE LOKE TALKING ABOUT DUOS AND THEN JACK SAYS THE MOST OUT OF POCKET SHIT I#VE EVER HEARD LKKE I LITERALLU HAD TK PAUSE. H PHONE AND BURST OUR LAUHJIMG MY JAW WAS ON THE FLOORRRRR DO U GUYS R EME ER WTF IM TLAKING AB#OUT IDK HOW TO FIND THESE STREAMS Oh my god u really Had to be there early 2021 that was liye the funniest era of mt life i wlild be#Tearing up from lauhjimg every day I MISS WAYCHING STREAMS LIVE CHAT WAS SO FUNNY I wishe it was archivedI WISH MORE STREAMERS KEPT CHAT ON#SCREEN i defiently understand why most didn't like Wyd when chats annouing ad hell but also Me 3 years later is interested in what the pub#lic had to say.... ok Now bye
35 notes
·
View notes
Text
the one thing i feel pretty certain about for this episode is that america will not decide the election. a decision will be made, a president will be elected, but america will not be the deciding factor.
succession can’t mimic 2016 or 2020 point blank, that would be boring and have nothing to say. it can’t try to outdo trump because it’ll go too whacky and fall flat like veep’s last season (sorry conheads, no way he’s winning). but what it CAN do is illustrate the immensely corrupt, often arbitrary, and hugely influential nature of news media and conglomerations on political processes. i think probably jimenez will be in the lead, then atn/waystar does something to, i don’t know, discount votes or cast suspicion on jimenez or call the election for mencken early, and the tide will shift, even though the votes are already in. the votes don’t actually matter. the actual result doesn’t actually matter. that’s the power logan (and as an extension, billionaires and CEOs in general) hold. shiv says it herself to logan in s4e2: “just cause you say it’s true doesn’t make it true. everyone just fucking agrees with you and believes you, so it becomes true and then you can turn around and say like, 'oh, you see? see? i was right.'” but it doesn’t matter that logan’s “a human fucking gaslight,” everything he says comes true anyways. not because he was right, but because that’s how it works. he says things and then they happen, regardless of what the truth is or what should actually come to pass. that’s been one of the key throughlines since the very first episode of the entire show when, in response to kendall calling logan out of touch because times are changing and logan isn't changing with them, logan hisses that everyone always says you’re wrong until you do it and prove you were right: “you make your own reality.” you can't miss the bus if you're the one driving it. the election, the votes, the political process? none of that matters. it was always going to come down to the roys and their ilk (allies or enemies, just the top 1%) — that was the whole point of “what it takes” (the mencken episode) last season, after all.
i’ve seen lots of theories about what america will choose and how the candidates will respond and all that and i just don’t think that’s the show’s focus; i think the whole point is to demonstrate the lack of agency, the illusion of democracy. because, i mean, we’ve already seen the fall of democracy via fascist election and fascist election-denial, both in real life and in the countless (usually mid) satires created afterwards. it would be disappointing to see succession use the election to reiterate that same point of 'ohhh alt-right ahhhhh!!!' i don’t think it’ll be about ‘fascism’ at all — at least, not ‘trump-y’ fascism. it’ll be about fascism in the broader sense, the kind that doesn't sport a KKK hood (even when it keeps one tucked away in the attic). it's the fascism that every single roy (very much including shiv and kendall) aid and abet -- the fascism that so many succession fans don't seem to regard as fascism, despite it quite literally being the definition of fascism. trump wasn’t the entrance of fascism into our political process. he wasn’t the lone sign of the failing of american democracy. democracy in america has long been illusory, trump just made it more blatantly evident with his particular brand of hate-speech-ridden masculinist in-your-face fascism.
so i think that’s what this episode will hopefully focus on — america will not decide. corporations, news media, and the roys will. thus, the president will most likely become president not because the country supports his policies the most, but because he’s likely to agree to help block a business deal for a major media empire, and the other candidate is unlikely to. and this will likely come to pass due to said major media empire's interference and influence: they create their own reality. they say it, and everyone agrees with them and believes them, so it becomes true.
#WOOF okay here's my unnecessary ~thematic prediction~ for this episode#i have some more like random thoughts ab what'll happen but those r less thought out and more throwing shit at the wall etc#but i've been thinking a lot ab this ep n idk i just can't see any other way it could be done satisfyingly -- they can't just do 2016/2020#again. the focus has to be elsewhere. i have some specifics thoughts on details but again those r kinda random n will be in another post#after bizarrely getting a lot of things right this szn i know a lot of people are looking to me to see what i'll say for this ep and let me#remind yall that I AM LITERALLY JUST GUESSING BASED ON MY UNDERSTANDING OF THE SHOW AND HOW NARRATIVES#TEND TO WORK PARTICULARLY IN SUCCESSION! if i am wrong which i very well might be please do not crucify me. i know literally#nothing more than anyone else i'm just a random english/gov major who likes speculating about media ! that said if i end up right again#somehow then yes i am a prophet i am jesse armstrong i have never been wrong about anything in my life. etc#watch this age so poorly tho.#LOL#also fwiw i dont think the Shock etc is going to come from the election results - maybe possibly from the way things happen (i could see a#line of miscommunication resulting in fucked up outcomes etc which i can get into in another post) or a roy sibs moment but i just#don't think there's any way the results themselves cld be surprising. it's jimenez or mencken. it's not gonna be connor guys.#succession#succession spoilers#except not really. just succession speculation more than anything else#long post#succession speculation#100
202 notes
·
View notes
Text
twt armys giving 20k+ likes to blatant xenophobia toward sk in the name of "protecting bts"... you all couldnt stop at zionism, anti-blackness, homophobia, transphobia, racism, misogyny. you just really had to make sure EVERYONE knows without a doubt that you're soulless amoral freaks. not only do you not care about other people in general, you don't even care about bts, you just see them as props to boost your own ego. your so-called love for bts is manifesting in hatred for their country and their heritage that they've always spoken about with so much pride--how can you call that love? your whole existence revolves around bts but you don't fucking listen to them, not their lyrics, not their interviews, nothing. this fandom has always had issues but in the last few years and ESPECIALLY the last 6 months it's become unbearable and inescapable. you people are not human. i will always be so proud to be a fan of bts but you couldn't pay me to call myself part of this fandom with a smile on my face right now
#i will probably delete this soon but i just. really need to say this#mostly im just so sorry to bts and the armys who are also victims of these ppl's behavior. this is supposed to be a safe space for all of u#but clearly it hasn't been that for a long fucking time#these issues run so much deeper than just what's happened in the last 24 hours#i think it's just. i've never seen SO many armys collectively showing their true colors on such a massive scale all at once#i don't know why im shocked. this has been a long time coming i think#i haven't seen anything on tumblr yet but its much easier to curate what u see on here than it is on twt#and generally army tumblr doesnt rly express their opinions to the extent that army twt does#so im kinda just crossing my fingers and hoping tumblr armys are largely more. decent idk#aeron.txt
21 notes
·
View notes
Text
it's ultimate blorbo hours
#my art#fernart#aka what happens when I'm contractually obligated to stay up late :(#this one was 3.5 hours#cats the musical#cats alonzo#alonzo cats#it's been way too long since I've drawn him but somebody brought the gender post back into my notes#why is there a mysterious floating wooden stud? idk man#the rules don't matter here#sleepy time for me#cats musical#these sorts of posts are honestly so enriching for me because they are almost always flops#and flops are such an important part of a healthy blog ecosystem#anyway. I love drawing sleep deprived fanart on the job
58 notes
·
View notes
Text
Junicrane/Starstruck Ramble
I will not be brief, all under the cut
To clear some things right off the bat:
No corpse, no proof with Juniper. Obligatory this is set in a canon where he's alive and adjacent to the agency in some way.
Reggie & Juniper are just gay to me, but I don't mind any interpretation of their sexuality
The games are set in 1967/68 to me (based on a couple bits in game) which is before it was legal to be gay in America at least (1971), which is relevant to how I interpret canon as being somewhat grounded in reality, despite unrealistic elements.
This is just an insane amount of headcanons/elements of and AU all culminated into one post. I will talk about some headcanons like they're just facts because they are established in my head, and it saves me over explaining literally everything, however I will explain some parts a little bit for clarity.
Alright. Actual beginning of the ramble:
Juniper is a character to me who had gotten so lost in his job as an actor and a social presence that in the end his whole life revolved around that 'role'. Because of this, by the time he's put into the situation where he's around the Agency, he basically knows nothing about himself, though he doesn't realise at first. Furthermore, what little identity he had has changed in so many ways. He's no longer a beloved famous actor in the prominence of public light, he's legally dead and he tarnished his career just before he was supposed to die, with the bonus of that making him lose the majority of his estate. From that, he also has horrific facial scarring from the electrical burns from literally having his face fried. I believe a friend of mine made a post about this a while ago (I also think they were the first to think it up also), but, to me, Juniper has a permanent trimmer in his right arm (aka his dominant hand) from the electrical current and it is messing with his nervous system.
All in all, he's not doing great, but he's too proud to admit that he's not doing great, because if anything, what's left of his ego is all he has as a defense since he's deep in unfamiliar water.
Before ending up around the agency (I have multiple interpretations of this, so I'm just going to bring it up generally), he'd never actually seen Reggie, and his only impression of him is a single voicemail, which was his only reference he had to later impersonate him. Juniper probably has very little feelings other than the ones he projects onto him because of Phoenix and that, at the very least, he's physically attracted to Reggie to some degree (that's like the beginning of how everything else would tumble into place in this sort of interpretation at least).
And on Crane's side? His feelings towards Juniper are probably very intense and muddled. On the one hand, he adores musical theatre, and that's his now ex-favourite actor. The thought of just casually being around him blows the bit of fanboy in him away at first because THAT'S the GUY, plus the inklings of a celebrity crush which still poke at him. And then there's the rational side of him, which knows Juniper has committed absolute atrocities on the side of Zoraxis, and hates him for that. Then there's how much Juniper comes off as an asshole at first because he refuses to cooperate with anything the Agency tried to put in place. He finds Juniper endlessly frustrating, and yet he's stuck working with him since, afterall, he's the one who knows the Agency's history with Juniper the best. I imagine him acting a lot like how he does IEYTD 1 around Juniper.
At this point, I'm just describing the pitch for a romcom.
I think the start of their relationship with one another largely started with Juniper trying to wind Crane up. It was a way of getting his attention, and I don't think Juniper knows why he's so dead set on that at first, because I don't think he realises he has a crush on 'this grump' at first. (I think that's actually the fun part about these two, because it's almost like a role reversal of the celebrity crush dynamic. This ex-big name actor has a TERRIBLE crush on an average joe and it is KILLING HIM.) But of course the Agency keeps them together because Juniper is at least conversing with Crane, so it's a start.
Through one way or another, they actually get talking casually, at least mildly at first. It takes Juniper a long time to fully deconstruct the wall he's built, and the thing is, Crane isn't the one trying to deconstruct it, at least at first, because yeah, Juniper realises if he wants Reggie to actually like him in any way, he can't keep winding him up. So they talk. Small talk at first, something rhythmic and almost easy to keep to a script. And over time that turns into actual conversations. Genuine ones in which Reggie rips out the occasional one of his jokes which Juniper is endlessly endeared about. The way he smiles just before he makes them, like he wants to chuckle at what he's about to say before he says it. That's probably when Juniper realised that he does have some vague crush on him, and that it wasn't going away.
This is what kickstarts John I can't-buy-you-things-to-impress-you-so-acts-of-service-it-is Juniper to do little things for him. It mostly starts off as him trying to make Reggie his tea how he likes it. However, the nerve damage in his arm makes that hard, as the weight of the kettle and trying to pour is hard all of a sudden. And he refuses to accept that, so he tries for a very long while. Long enough that Crane would go to investigate what was going on. And when he does see Juniper leaning over a cup with the kettle as he uneasily tries to pour it, and when Crane asks Juniper responds so matter-of-fact that his intention is nothing but genuine. And it catches Reggie off guard because Juniper hadn't done anything like that up to that point, and his very apparent vulnerability is so clearly on show.
It shifts something between them.
From that point on, conversations are longer, more familiar. Both of their attitudes soften, and Reggie makes more jokes. Juniper learns how to better use his left hand while strengthening his right back to a point where it could be used again. Slowly, they're both spending time with one another not because they have to, but just because they can. Little bits at first, not too far outside what they already were doing, but those little bits turned into long bits to a point where the other person's company was genuinely desirable.
As time passes, Juniper probably realises that he doesn't genuinely know much about himself or what hobbies he's into, because he never really had the time when he got big, and his home life in his youth wasn't bad, but it wasn't picturesque. I think Reggie would pick up on it, and absolutely try to introduce him to some things he's into. Some things stick, other things don't (corn husking very much stays Reggie's passion, and John will go with him sometimes because it's him, but it's not something he strongly cares for). Crane introduces him to a lot of music, and it's something that becomes a staple between them, with tracks they listen to more than others (tragically, I know relatively little about 60s music so I couldn't really say what). Occasionally they dance, never anything intense, think slow dancing, but the closeness is nice.
Through all of it, Juniper is battling the worst crush of his life, and he can't stand it, because I think he struggles to read people since he doesn't have anything like a script or a director to refer back to, so he has no idea if Reggie likes him back or if he's just desperate for that to be true. I think because of that any sort of confession between them would be incredibly raw, not only because of the time they live in making it hard for them to be truthful about how they love, but because it's a complete show of Juniper who's worked to be this better person. I don't exactly know how that would go, mainly because I don't have one set version of their dynamic, this post is just a generalisation of main consistent points.
Reggie does like him back, because he's gotten used to Juniper being just this guy, not a figure in the public eye, not a Zoraxis lackey, and not any sort of Agency operative (despite being under their care to some degree). He's someone he genuinely cares for, because they've given one another the time of day to learn one another, and I think because Reggie was a field agent, he was a lot better at reading Juniper than Juniper was at reading him. Eventually Juniper's company becomes something he could see around him for the rest of his life, and I think he accepts that he likes Juniper a lot more gracefully.
I think any affection directed at Juniper would at first be met with him feeling a little muddled. Reggie was a very physically affectionate person when he could be, and sure the initial flirting with one another came with the occasional little touches, but everything now was so deeply intentional. I also don't think Juniper would almost ever get over the novelty of being able to kiss him, or many other gestures, because it made the fact that they were together so very real, and it was great. I do think it comes easier to Reggie, and it's a big way of showing how much he cares, so it's important for Juniper to try and show it back because he knows how much it means to the other.
I like the idea of them eventually living with one another, too. I think Juniper would have always had a quiet little daydream of sorts where he does just live a domestic quiet life, and he can with Reggie (well, as close as they can get between the Agency and Zoraxis always being at odds), and he loves that, and he loves him, and it's immense.
I think they cook for one another a lot, it helps Juniper work on his dexterity in a controlled environment, which means a lot because it's a huge point of insecurity (that and his scars). He does improve, and Crane is proud of that and shows it and it's great. I also think they'd probably cook together too, because they can deal with being in the kitchen together and they work well with one another. It's probably a good way for them to unwind because over time they can do it in relative silence.
As I said before, I also think music is a staple in their household, and that Reggie listens to things on vinyl almost all of the time because he likes the background noise. Sometimes Juniper will catch him chuntering along to the music which he finds endlessly endearing. I wouldn't put it past his dramatic ass to also join in to fluster Reggie, but I also don't think Reggie would mind that terribly because Juniper has listened to the music enough to know the lyrics, and that's huge to him.
I don't think they are without rough patches, no relationship is, but I think the good part about them is that they're willing to talk about it (... eventually). They're used to long conversations, and while they're often less fun conversations, they're needed and they know that, and it works out.
Alright. I think I'm done for now. I haven't mentioned everything, but this definitely got the worst of it out of my system. If you ever want to hear any specific thoughts my ask box is open but other than that, behold my general dynamic for these two which has been festering in my head for years. I think they're great
#ty right-agent for explicitly telling me that this would be welcomed you a real one#i had a massive babble to my friend abt what if they all feed me to the hounds for speaking#and he said “girl that fandom is like 12 people big they need you to speak” and yeah that also helped#i have a hard time talking if I'm not asked/prompted to that's why i adding tags is great for me. that and i like the format#anyways.#THESE TWO.............dear lord can you tell I have been unwell abt them forever..#this is propeganda (/j) for them. btw. please you have to understand the potential here. it's so good.#it's slowburn <- my (probably) demiromantic ass cannot handle romance without a build up and this set up is perfect (it will never happen)#also i find it easier to write ANYTHING between these two from Juniper's perspective because i find it easier to get into his head#idk reggie is like the gay version of the: what is he thinking of? i could take a bear in a fight. audio ive heard.#whereas with juniper i have him trapped under a microscope#im going to tag this now so i can use the remaining tags to RANT#ieytd#john juniper#reginald crane#junicrane#starstruck#i expect you to die#<- being BRAVE!!!#when I get really excited i start getting like this internal shaking feeling and uh. yeah this rant started that#the worst part abt that is it also triggers my tourettes so like. double whammy. excited about blorbos? jail :(#but. yeah I uh. yeah. sorry this IS so long..I did warn but . AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHAUUUUUUAHHHHHHHHHHHHH#also i did this rant in 2 parts. last night and this morning so yeah uh. yeah.#god im so messed up about these two#make me a boat by the family crest came on while wroting this and while it's mainly a roxanix song to me......AUUUUUG.....#i struggle to find music for these sillies because they have such a specific vibe to me amd I've not quite managed to find something which -#- genuinely feels correct for them and it drives me up the WALL#GOD NIGHT SHIFT JUST CAME OF SHUFFL.....all my ieytd songs are coming out to drive me up the wall.......#FINISHED I've been adding tags as I've gone alonga#thank you for reading hope you enoyed and if you didn't im sorry
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
I can't stop thinking of Kyanako's Order of Attack au... there's something so moving to me about how things getting so much worse could be what finally causes Amane to get better -- seeing Fuuta dying may be the final straw of getting her to rethink her rejection of medicine. Been a while since I've attempted something whump-y, this was fun to work with.
Tw for mentions/contemplation of death. I don't go into detail about the cult but the doctrines are implied through it all.
Fuuta was not a big fan of dying.
When he imagined his own death, he always pictured it as something dramatic and fast. Action heroes going out in a show of explosions and gunfire. Fantasy characters meeting the shining end of a blade. Even when he accepted his place in Milgram, it filled his mind with images of gallows and electric chairs.
Whatever this slow, lengthy fever was, it was pissing him off.
He’d lost all sense of time. He could no longer tell which hour the prison bells were marking -- morning and night blended together. Dreaming and waking blended together. His head injury and broken leg and broken bones blended together. It was all just pain at the end of the day. He had nonstop visitors that kept him awake and asked him too many questions and prodded his injuries and made his head spin. Somehow, he was simultaneously alone every time he rolled over to talk to someone. Painfully, suffocatingly alone.
If Kotoko was going to kill him with those ridiculous emo boots of hers, she should have just done it. He was losing his mind here: devoid of all energy, suffering through broken bones and a cracked head, and boiling in an increasingly fiery fever. Maybe that was the reason he stopped commenting when he watched Amane pocket the medicine Shidou had left him. Maybe that was why he’d stopped following Shidou’s instructions himself. Even after losing an eye and taking a beating herself, Amane always looked at peace. He was tired of dealing with all of this. He wanted a bit of that peace.
Regardless of why, it was working. His fever had quickly gone from the biggest pain in his ass to the very thing that dulled his racing thoughts.
He awoke suddenly, or maybe he’d already been awake. He couldn’t feel anything in his limbs. There was only a breathless heat around him. He raised himself into a sitting position, looking for a drink. Moving his head felt like one of those glitching computer windows that leaves a trail of copies behind it. The room swam around him. His eyes moved absently around him.
Fuuta picked up the glass that someone had left him. His fingers were clumsy, and it immediately went crashing to the ground. He hardly heard the noise as it broke apart on the concrete below.
He swung his legs over the side of the bed. He’d just go get a drink himself. Shidou told him not to get up without help. But what did he know? Thinking of the man ordering him around only drove Fuuta to step out of bed even quicker. He cried out, pain shooting through his leg. That was right, it was broken…
Fuuta looked down, finding himself on the ground. It was so hot. Maybe this is what she felt, he thought numbly. Was it this slow for her too? Probably not. She had no regrets to fill the time like he did. The heroes got quick, beautiful deaths, and it was the villains who had to suffer the long ones.
He lifted his right palm from where it had caught his fall. The shattered glass on the floor had cut into it. Shattered glass? What had broken? He stared blankly at the blood dripping down.
He didn’t have the strength to raise himself up. He was burning. Why was he on the ground? Was he bleeding? He could barely breathe. What was he doing here, anyway? He just wanted to curl up and sleep. He was so weak... just to lie down... he wouldn't have the strength to get back up again. Was that such a bad thing...?
A voice caught his attention. His eyes struggled to focus on the figure who’d come running into the cell. He couldn’t understand a word of what she was saying, but he was happy when she pressed her cool little hands against his forehead.
He allowed her to prop him up next to the bed. She held onto his hand, squeezing it tight. Why was she holding it like that? That hand was bleeding. When did that happen?
Her arms wrapped tightly around him. He wanted to shove her away -- it was too hot -- but couldn’t. In his ear, he could make out her words. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please, Fuuta. Don’t leave me alone. I’m so sorry...”
As she pulled back, he recognized Amane. Her uninjured eye was filled with tears. Was she upset? He thought he’d been making her happy. He wanted to keep making her happy. He’d never made anyone happy before.
He opened his mouth to say something, but no words would come out. They all scrambled up in his mouth. He felt the cell swirling around him.
Amane raised her voice. She looked desperately upwards. “This can’t be --! This isn’t right!”
Fuuta looked up at the ceiling. There was nothing there.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
She continued talking. Fuuta was too busy studying the ceiling. She was shouting. Or maybe crying. Fuuta didn’t like that she was so upset. Huh, had there been someone there? He surveyed the empty cell. What was he doing on the ground?
He looked down at his hand. The sheet from his bed had been pulled down and wrapped hastily around it. Why? His eyes felt sticky as he blinked. Everything hurt. It was so hot. What was going on? He was so angry. He was so scared. He wanted to cry. Why was he here? Why couldn’t he just hurry up and die already?
The next time she entered, Fuuta recognized Amane instantly. Her one hand pointed to him, the other held onto someone else. The second figure hurried over to him.
Fuuta was not a big fan of dying. Shidou reassured him he wouldn’t.
—
“You’re wearing the eyepatch,” Fuuta observed.
He was playing a dangerous game, drawing attention to it like that. He was too exhausted, and his curiosity won out over his better judgment. If Amane was going to explode with one of her typical speeches, he’d just let her.
She didn’t.
Amane’s hand drifted up to her eye. It had been hastily covered before, but now it was cleaned and wrapped in professional-grade materials. She simply said, “Kajiyama Fuuta. How do you feel?”
“Like shit.”
“But--”
“-- But I’m better, yeah.”
Amane nodded, her shoulders releasing.
“Oi, I haven’t seen you in a while. Not since…” He wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence. Shidou had told him what happened, but it was difficult to believe. He couldn’t quite trust his own memory of the night. No matter how much clearer his mind felt since receiving proper treatment, those days of fever still muddled together. He heard that Amane had up and switched her beliefs overnight -- she was now complacent about all of Shidou's treatments -- but Fuuta knew people didn't just change like that. He wanted to hear it for himself.
She lowered her gaze in shame. “I… I thought you hated me.” Her voice was steady. “As you should. I almost killed you. I accept any ill will you may feel.”
“I -- what? You’re wrong. You… it wasn’t…” He grabbed his head, grunting in frustration.
After standing awkwardly in the entryway the whole time, Amane took a few steps inside. She made it to his bedside when he finally collected his thoughts.
“It was your fucked up family or whatever that caused everything. They did this. And I went along and made things worse.” He looked away. His next words felt stupid to say to a little kid. He felt like the most pathetic, weak, loser. But it was too important not to say.
“They almost killed me. You saved me.”
#milgram#fuuta kajiyama#amane momose#i am emotional about them!!!#my other drabble between them hinted that fuuta would convince her away from her dangerous beliefs before things got too bad#but i wanted to see what would happen if things Did get bad ya know#we were talking about what could convince amane to think twice about the medicine ban (if anything)#and i think seeing her closest friend is literally on deaths door finally gets through to her#shes sees him weak and bloody and completely out of it and knows this is Wrong#i dont know how long it takes fuuta to realize that it really was all for him that she changed but he does accept it eventually#it helps both of them grow#he feels worth saving (and therefore worth turning his life around) and she is freer from her cult#not completely#but one step at a time#tried to make fuutas narration simpler and shorter to reflect his thoughts but idk if that worked#i thought they were going to do a lot of stuff with mahirus head injury and memory but they never did- i played around with that a bit here#i thought about writing out amanes monologue to her god about how shes not doing this anymore but 1. its more dramatic to leave that to#the imagination and 2. idk if its silly but some things are so personal for a character and i dont wanna intrude... like yeah its my#story but thats between her and god fr#drabbles#tw cults#tw child abuse
29 notes
·
View notes
Note
PLS what is the story/lore behind the tim insomnia art piece (w/ him holding the bloody batarang) the angst looks SO GOOD
ngl it's been a while so my memory of the concept behind insomnia is spotty, but for more artsy pieces like this it's less about the lore or specific situation and more about the visuals/feeling to me? so it's more that i have a scene come to me and i build that out (<- me trying to explain that i dont have elaborate lore lol)
so the context i came up with to justify the scene is tim being overwhelmed/semi-dissociating, caught up in the problems he's been running from as tim drake using robin an escape, unable to deal with them, and trying not to think about the fact that half of those problems are caused by the fact that he's robin, that he has a secret identity, and that he's going through it in ways he can't explain to people not in the know -> hence, tim clutching the batarang both as something to ground him and as something that's hurting him
i had also recently read silverwhittlingknife's post about tim as a watcher, especially when he's first introduced—the set of panels where tim is just a set of eyes definitely informed some of this ("some" being the panel with the giant eyes lol) (pls read swk's meta their stuff is always so cool)
i think? i also pulled the aesthetic of the bloody batarang from an old scrapped piece i never posted bc i didnt like how it turned out (it's like. from when i first started drawing tim) so some of that is there
this was like. one of my first attempts at more comic-style dramatic lighting and yeah damn i've come a long way. again! i dont know what's happening here, i just wanted to draw tim bleeding, clutching a batarang, and under some dramatic lighting
(this is also. beyond what you asked but: i think this shows how much my design for tim has changed since my initial conception of him--he had much straighter/longer features that have really softened up, which i think you can see most in the nose. and no moles!)
#asks#this got long again rip#tim drake#red talks#thank you for asking tho <3333 im always happy to talk more about stuff like this and i love insomnia so#cw dissociation#cw self-harm#man the scrapped art piece was also an attempt at thin line art bc I HATE thin lines idk how to draw w thin lines and make that look good#i liked the batarang tho it came out very clean#this was from the onset of the tim hyperfixation so like. summer 2022?#sometimes i send drafts of stuff to my friend and shes like 'so whats happening here?' and im like 'i dunno i just thought itd look cool'#<- my artistic process in a nutshell
46 notes
·
View notes
Text
20 dollar nose bleed analysis: fourteen carats but no clarity
so, i recently received an ask asking me to analyze 20 dollar nose bleed, and in trying to post the ask with the analysis it literally vanished lmao! so, i'm posting it instead like this <3
the song is a very interesting and complex one that was Quite daunting to analyze, so i can only hope i did it justice and that u enjoy reading this! analysis is under the cut:
So, to analyze 20 dollar nose bleed, we’re gonna start off, naturally, with the first verse and break it down lyric by lyric, with said first verse going, “Have you ever wanted to disappear? / And join a monastery, go out and preach on Manic Street? / Who will I be when I wake up next to a stranger / On a passenger plane? (Passenger plane)”
The interesting thing about these lyrics is that we have direct confirmation from fob/pete (via genius verified annotations) that the first two lines are about Richey Edwards, who was the rhythm guitarist of rock band Manic Street Preachers, who went missing in 1995 and was presumed dead in 2009. Pete says that the first piece, “Have you ever wanted to disappear? / And join a monastery,” is a direct juxtaposition to the “go out and preach on Manic Street.” And that direct juxtaposition is absolutely the most notable thing about these lyrics, with a monastery being a holy place, typically portrayed as very quiet and simple in terms of commodities, etc., versus rockstar life which is literally the exact opposite- being constantly very chaotic and loud and complicated, not to mention not being very holy, typically speaking. What I believe is that the narrator here is questioning, maybe themselves, maybe somebody else, or just in general, if the ‘you’ have ever wanted to disappear from this life to join a monastery, to have this quiet, simple life away from everybody and everything, or if you’ve ever wanted to disappear into being a rockstar, away from yourself and everybody and everything in a completely different way. Either way, you’re losing yourself to one extreme or another. You’re disappearing into it. I could also see this in connecting back to Richey Edwards, saying have you ever wanted to disappear from the rockstar life? As common with fob songs, i honestly feel it could be meaning both things, and overall the meaning is- pick your poison onto how you wanna escape yourself and your life.
To move onto the second portion of the verse, the narrator begins to question, who will they be if they wake up next to a stranger on a passenger plane? Which is continuing this idea of disappearing, i think. i believe this is meant to be playing with the idea that, on a plane, nobody knows who you are, you’re as good as disappeared when you’re on a plane surrounded by people who don’t know you. So, truly, who will you be if you wake up next to a stranger on a passenger plane? When you could be anybody, you could make them believe you’re anybody, you can use this as an opportunity to escape yourself and your life, who will you be?
Then, the pre-chorus kicks in, with the lyrics going, “Oh, permanent jet lag, please take me back (Please take me back) / Please take me back, I'm a stray dog / Sick, please let me in (Please let me in), the mad key's / Tripping, singing vows before we exchange smoke rings”, which is a series of some real fun, tricky lyrics lmao. The permanent jet lag, in my mind, no doubt connects to the lyric directly before it- perhaps, the narrator is now regretting all the hoping and wishing and trying to be another person, they feel permanently jet lagged now, permanently exhausted and bleary and not fully there and they just want to go back. Back to where is the imperative question and severely up to interpretation, I’ll offer a few options- back to who they were before possible fame, before they started trying to disappear, before they got dependent on drugs (this song is so about drugs), or just… back to a better time for them, in general. The stray dog lyric also has some verified annotations by fob/pete, with him saying that it’s, about that moment where you’re so desperate to come back, you’re like a stray dog, which can either be pathetic or endearing depending on your perspective. To me, this really cooberates what i’m already saying about this pre-chorus- they’re desperate to be let back to where they were before, before things went wrong. Now, the ‘mad key’ reference took a bit of looking into, but apparently a ‘key’ is sometimes used as another term for a drug dealer, which i feel could be very applicable to the themes of this song (drugs), it could also just be a reference to say they don’t have the key to get back to where they long so desperately to be. Either way, the last pre-chorus lyric’s meaning is pretty clear to me, thankfully- they’re making promises, vow-like promises, before exchanging smoke rings, which is almost positively a drug reference. it screams of unseriousness, lack of commitment, the vows are being sung and the rings are made of smoke. they’re doped up on drugs, they’re desperate and yearning and not themselves. these vows are not real and the rings are as flimsy a commitment, to whoever or whatever this specific lyric could be about, as the smoke is.
After that insane pre-chorus, we get into the possibly more insane chorus, saying, “Give me a pen, call me Mr. Benzedrine / But don't let the doctor in, I wanna blow off steam / And call me Mr. Benzedrine (Mr. Benzedrine) / But don't let the doctor, don't let the doctor in”. The first thing we need to establish here, now that we’ve gotten the core of the drug theme, is what benzedrine is- it’s a form of amphetamine used for depression, as well as PTSD and those with sleeping troubles (it’s a stimulant!), with some of the side effects possibly pertinent to the song being drowsiness and nose bleeds (snorting it is a common way of ingestion also). This starting with ‘give me a pen, call me Mr. Benzedrine’ automatically has me thinking it is just an all around drug reference with the narrator alluding to the fact they’re snorting benzedrine to try and aid them with their problems. They’ve already alluded to having depression and permanent jetlag (drowsiness/problems with sleep, perhaps?) through lyrics before this, making it perhaps no surprise that they’re going to the lengths of snorting this medication to try and help them. Help take them back to where they so desperately wanna go back to, maybe? With the second lyric of the chorus, “But don’t let the doctor in, I wanna blow off steam” saying to me that they’re basically taking these drugs, perhaps to a concerning extent, but are then going and saying they don’t want help, they don’t want a doctor, they don’t want people to show concern for them or what they have going on, they just wanna let off steam. They just wanna cope in their own way without intervention, so don’t let the doctor in.
After the chorus, we have the second verse, which states, “It feels like fourteen carats, but no clarity, when I look at the / Man who would be king, the man who would be king / Goes to the desert, the same war his dad rehearsed / Came back with flags on coffins and said, "We won, oh, we won"”. This is an interesting break from the themes we’ve already had in this song, as before we’ve had the narrator talking only of their disillusionment with their own personal life and reality and the troubles they’re going through to cope with those feelings. However, here, it seems they’ve shifted from speaking on their disillusionment with their own life to their disillusionment with the world. The very first line is essentially saying that not everything is as it seems- a diamond can be hyped up as being so big and expensive, but end up being horrible quality. This allusion could be made about anything- what you’re told is not always reality. What you want to be reality isn’t always reality. This almost feels the thesis statement for the song, honestly (there is a reason i titled this analysis with this!). And if not for the whole song, definitely for this verse, as the rest of the verse is a direct commentary on George W. Bush (former President of the United States) and the wars he launched in the Middle East (specifically Iraq and Afghanistan). Many protested the wars as being incredibly destructive and terrorizing on the countries impacted by them, not to mention not being fair fights and being possible fronts for America to enter the Middle East for oil and exploit them. This stance is the one being taken with these lyrics, as the lyrics are essentially saying that the “man who would be king” (Bush), goes to the desert (Middle East) to terrorize the Middle East just like his father (also a former horrible president) did, only to come back claiming he won with thousands of soldiers dead due to his actions, bitingly calling out the celebration of victory when so much life was lost so tragically for virtually no reason.
Before the spoken word piece at the end of the song, there is only two other lines that are deviating from the pre-chorus and chorus we’ve already discussed, with those lines being, “Only one book really matters, the rest / Of the proof is on the television, on the,” I feel as though these lyrics really summarize a lot of what we’ve already talked about in a way, that way being that it really conveys further disillusionment for the state of things and is a biting commentary of that. The narrator is saying, what a lot of people truly believe, that the only book in the world that matters is the Bible, with nothing else being worth reading or trusting, while the rest of the ‘proof’ (proof of what is laid out in the bible, beliefs and morals that people blindly follow) is on the television. People will so often just blindly follow religion or what they see on the news and never dare to look deeper into things, keeping so much of the world cut off (sort of like the lyric is cut off at the end of it) or censored from themselves.
The spoken word part is as follows, and is a lot to unpack so we’re gonna try to do it lyric chunk by lyric chunk, “It's not me, it's you / Actually, it's the taxidermy of you and me / Untie the balloons from around my neck / And ground me / I'm just a racehorse on the track / Send me back to the glue factory / Always thought I'd float away / And never come back / But I've got enough miles on my card / To fly the boys home on my own / But you know me, I like being all alone / And keeping you all alone / And the charts are boring, and the kids are snoring / And my ego's in a sling / You say you're not listening and I said I'm wishing / And I said…I said!”
To start dissecting this, we’ll look at the section, “It’s not me, it’s you / Actually, it’s the taxidermy of you and me / Unite the balloons from around my neck / And ground me / I’m just a racehorse on the track / Send me back to the glue factory / Always thought I’d float away / And never come back”. Though this seems like a lot to look at at once, it’s relatively easy to boil it down to the fact the narrator is back to speaking about their disillusionment with their own life and problems, speaking to a possible romantic partner in saying the classic breakup line of, it’s not you, it’s me, except turned on its head to directly blame the other person instead of taking blame. They’re also saying, though, that the blame isn’t exactly on the other person directly but is more on the fact that the relationship was already dead (taxidermy of you and me). They’re then asking this person, symbolically, to untie balloons from around their neck and let them be grounded. This could be saying their partner was putting them up on a sort of pedestal, putting them above others, but with the line ‘I’d always thought I’d float away / And never come back’ working with this, I definitely believe this position of floating above others was a point of stress for our narrator as they felt they’d never be able to get away from this situation and could never come back from it, perhaps even choking them and being disorienting, causing them to need to be grounded. They then go on to say they’re like a racehorse on the track that needs to be sent to the glue factory, essentially saying they’re past their prime and needs to be killed and turned into something that can be useful again (old horses used to literally be made into glue. This is also referencing that).
The spoken word continues, with the narrator once again shifting focus from themself to the world/politics and their disillusionment with those things, saying, “But I've got enough miles on my card / To fly the boys home on my own”, where pete, once again verified on genius, said, “the idea that in some capacity that the i could fly the boys in iraq & afghanistan home on my miles if the gov wouldnt fly them back :(“
To end the spoken word section, and the song analysis as a whole, it ends with, “But you know me, I like being all alone / And keeping you all alone / And the charts are boring, and the kids are snoring / And my ego's in a sling / You say you're not listening and I said I'm wishing / And I said…I said!” with our narrator essentially saying that find comfort in loneliness and being alone, and finds satisfaction in making others feel his loneliness as well (I want to keep you as lonely as me so you can get addicted to this vibes, showing this is a sentiment shared in fob songs previously). The line about charts is a bit of a stand out, as being one of the most obvious ones about fame and pop culture, continuing to show the narrator is just generally sharing their displeasure with things of the world, here stating a fact that the charts, the popular songs perhaps made with less heart, with the kids in mind less, are boring and causing ‘the kids’ to snore, to lose interest in music and art and fall out of touch with it, causing the narrator’s ego to hurt because well… i keep saying ‘narrator’ because that’s just how i do these things but this is about pete, and it is no question that kids falling out of love with music would be detrimental to his ego- sorry to get out of my analyzing persona here but it’s the only way i could think to put this part lmao. Anyways! The song ends with the narrator being not listened to, and them then trying to scream how they’re feeling and what they’re saying to be seen and heard like they want to be.
This song is a very very complex, interesting one, detailing all of the troubles and complaints and gripes of a person struggling with mental illness and perhaps even losing their grip on reality some, or at least on the reality they want to be in. it’s a depressing thing to want to be a different person, only to realize you don’t like who you ended up changing into, or realize that no matter how much you change you can never go back to when you were truly happy. And turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms like drugs don’t help either, especially when it feels like the world around you is dashing your spirits and hope constantly as well. Where is there to escape when even your escape is riddled with problems? As the title of this analysis says, and as i stated earlier as well, everything truly can feel like fourteen carats but have no clarity.
#ive deemed tuesday atlas analysis tuesday to force myself to write more of these so. here u go#it's a bit of a long one (5 pages fskjdhf) but i'm proud of it :] again i hope u all like it as well#and to the anon who asked for this i especially hope u see it i. literally have no clue what happened to this ask fkjsdfks#but maybe i'll keep posting the analysis stand alone like this idk fun format change#txt#analysis.txt#fob
90 notes
·
View notes
Text
random assortment of drawings i might as well post
#scribbles#ocposting#furry tag#gif#eyestrain#bright colors#the gifs showing up kinda weird i think thats just a thing on my end though#have noticed it happens a lot for me w transparent gifs on here. idk#gif was for a dta thingy btw uhhh#‘cowcheese’ thing is for my sisters weezer parody where theyre rats nd instead called cheezer#words on the one on its right are lyrics frm heres to you by zebrahead cuz it was stuck in my head..#oh also the middle drawing on the first row of three was color picked frm the cover of phoenix also by zebrahead#first drawing i just made cuz i was messing w preset brushes nd thought itd be funny#long one w the four characters is.. little goody two shoes characters But Furries . lol#oh the one left of the cheezer thing was smthn i drew in class w my friends prisma colors instead of working on my actual art project#actually started that now its driving me crazy cuz i made like a million versions of the sketch messinf w the composition#and im still not sure entirely what i do and dont wanna include and also the actual paper im doing my final on isnt like. wide enough to fi#things in nicely 💔💔💔 also i never planned out colors like an idiot so im making that up as i go and avoiding it a lot aghhghh#giegue drawings are honestly just here cuz i think hes funny#sorry for the paragraph of tags i love talking abt things#uhhhmhmmh i kinda hate postint stuff most places online now ngl#i have so much more art i COULD post but it just feels weird idk#no one really interacts w my stuff much anymore anyways like idk <- this is jot me fishing for pity or disregarding anyone who does leave#nice comments i appreciate that stuff SO mucu it means the world to me. i just dont feel super strongly abt posting shit anymore i feel lik#i have much better peace of mind just leaving things to myself sometimes#as much as i like sharing things it just hasnt been convenient lately and also ive just been getting like.. very paranoid abt a lot of#things over these past years and the constant posting everything o. tumblr thing didnt help much#🙃 okay ill stop rambling now have a nice day
17 notes
·
View notes
Text
anyway the concept of passing is a scam. we will never be liberated until the idea that a trans person's inherent value and worth and validity is directly proportional to their resemblance to a cis person. and i say this not just to those who struggle to or do not fit into that box, but to those who very much do and are counting themselves lucky.
the same way that its unhealthy and unreasonable to expect a same gender couple to conform to notions of what a heterosexual family should be, its unhealthy and unreasonable to have to expect a transgender experience of identity and a transgender body to conform to a cisgender ideal. not only does it further the marginalisation of trans people and drive a wedge in our community, but it's an unhealthy way to see the world and relate to yourself. its not fair to expect a human being to go their whole life in states of checking the value of their body and their life against a societally imposed, often unattainable model that may not even reflect their own desires or goals.
it's tough, i know how tough it is to go against everything you've been taught, and the right to seek medical intervention to reshape ourselves in a way that deepens and solidifies our connection to our bodies is and will always be important. but for your own mental health, whatever shape you take must reflect yourself first. not a cis persons. transition is about making a home out of the body you're living in, in whatever way works for you.
you deserve the mental freedom that comes with removing "passing" from your emotional radar entirely. trans bodies are good bodies.
#text tag#transgender#nonbinary#transition#gender#this is kind of a loaded take so to tack on some things#i am a trans person who's struggled with severe dysphoria for many years and was obsessed with passing as cis for a long time#there was a long time in which i would've preferred to stop living over going the rest of my life with visible surgery scars#just think about that.. idk how fucked is it that teen me thought it would be better to literally die than have one clear tell that im trans#im so much happier post surgery scars and all and like yes i fucking hate them. but i know i shouldn't and im trying to heal#also im very aware that passing as cis is OFTEN a safety issue and thats not what im speaking to here#im talking about mental health and longterm societal change and the gradual betterment of gender diverse peoples#not just from a gender standpoint but honestly from a decolonial standpoint#from a te ao māori perspective there was never an ideal of passing as “cis” for trans or takatāpui individuals#anyway yea obsession with passing wears people down into self hating wrecks and im sick of seeing that happen to our youth#and to every trans person regardless of where they're at in their journey
15 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
reddelilah
Regularly Scheduled Programing
putrescense
still dead after all these years
love-nikki-diamond
Hell Event? More Like Smell Event
moonpeachmoth
Quantumplated
hagaboo
the end of the world?