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asterchats · 1 month

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(this is a word dump about being neurodiverse and disabled but also traumatised enough to be able to mask sometimes, and medical people's reactions to it, you're good to skip this if you wanna, i'm fine just complaining, love u)

also the fact that my adhd is so unconventional for what it is. i did really, like, REALLY, well in school. i can usually rely on adrenaline (anxiety) and hyperindependence through trauma to help push me through 3/7 days a week, which isn't bad, and the after-effects only come in from exhaustion of masking all day (although bump it up to four and i do get. suicidal kdslfjlksj). i can keep clean spaces if anyone else might possibly ever see them but cannot keep clean spaces that are private/my own. and also i forget everything i try to do for myself, never buy what i went to the store for in the first place, constantly forget that friends exist, hyperfocus accidentally, i am able to do things ONLY because of deadlines

all of the hallmarks of "your disorder is ONLY a disorder if it's stopping you from achieving things in your day to day life" are things that i don't meet because i have about 20929348 systems in place which I've developed over the years to force myself to meet deadlines and not forget things Including a great deal of childhood "you're not good enough/independent enough" trauma resulting in hyperindependence. and then unmasking at home is Exhausting and i haven't eaten or peed all day or had anything to drink and I haven't spoken to any friends and have no energy to speak to any friends and i have to go lie in a dark room for two hours and i have chronic pain i haven't noticed all day and i'm too exhausted to even cook and i semi-regularly end up not eating at all on the days i work and my friend tells me something and I !!!!!!!! have no idea what they said two seconds afterwards!!!!!! sometimes i literally forget what i am saying right in the middle of saying it like 3 words into a 10 word sentence!!!!!!!!

something something pathologising neurospice and prioritising predominantly medical views of it (i.e. rejecting self-diagnosis - although I do have a diagnosis from a nd-specialising psych) completely ignores that neurodivergence! should not be! diagnosed! by its deficits!!!!!!!!! you can't just LOOK at someone and say "hey you're, like, surviving in this society so we're not going to Label You As X" like being offered access to 'x' is a Fate Worse Than Death. like anyone who is neurodiverse is not allowed to have figured out a way to survive when in fact figuring out a way to survive is something we've been doing our entire lives.

also!!!!! my systems i've put in place are literally the systems explicitly taught to people who have adhd to make their lives easier!!!!!! i just didn't have a diagnosis before i started figuring out how to make my life easier for myself. so like what? i don't count now because i didn't pay someone with a medical degree to "coach" me?

and as much as this is a critique of the medical model of disability it's also a critique of the way the disability community goes "well EVERYONE..." like it is everyone. it is not. hate being alienated from people who Get It because they get it but they don't get the way it applies to me. i am privileged to be able to work 3 days a week consistently for 3+ years at this point, i also sometimes starve idk. idk idk. i have an entire internal phenomenological experience to write about but i am not sure i have anything interesting to say in the disability context that hasn't already been said.

part of being neuro-affirming is knowing that everybody is different. and not everybody can be looked at from the outside through a Deficit Model because they're very good at hiding it. and in fact affirmation starts with knowing those strengths are there and have been there all along

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xx0yeet-everything0xx · 1 year

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okay so im not VERY sure about this so lmk if i'm wrong!!! but here i go.

the whole greek-roman thing never fully worked out with me for jason because like. one of his 'epiphanies' or whatever was when he realised he was trying to implement greek things onto new rome. BUT. change and adaptation: isn't that what the romans were great at? romans were also very open (clearly) to incorporating different deities into their culture, same goes with different ideologies and infrastructure. i mean to some degree, i see it, the hating rules and stuff but. in certainn times it seemed very wonky to me because jason's been consistently doing things that are a reflection of his roman side through his 'adaptation' and 'comfort' with the greek side. plus the way he tends to prefer going for swords before words!! imo, very roman of him.

((as a side-note, the fighting thing never made sense to me EITHER because romans did a combination of slashing and stabbing and would likely be better at the greeks because of how theyre meant to improvise and take techniques from their opponents. again, i see the way greeks prioritise individual skill bUT take into account that the romans studied and knew greek fighting well enough to draw inspiration from it. so idk. just yeah.))

idk this rant doesnt make much sense but. yeah.

#there was no point to this post #pjo #romans pjo #greeks pjo #heroes of olympus #jason grace #but this isnt really about him rip

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pin4tacademia · 4 months

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update: finished my last pure maths unit ever!! woo!!

The exam was alright. I found it a bit difficult towards the end, especially the vector calculus part, but overall I think I did ok. The linear algebra part was surprisingly chill. Overall, was fairly hard but I'm sure I'll be fine :)).

Now, the semester is actually going to start. Scaryy. It will be my first real sem of electrical, so I am sure it will be tough. Last semester was pretty stressful, so for just my sake I am setting some goals:

actually start attending lectures: I never attended lectures in first year and I truly think it has fucked me over bad. I would have so many lectures to watch by the end of the week and I hated it and barely absorbed any of them. I think attending lectures will actually make me watch them, absorb what they're saying, and create a sense of community (I was very lonely in first year lol, which is I think largely because I barely went to campus).

try to actually do the work: I had a bad cheating/over-reliance of others in first year, which I think made me not learn a lot of the content. I think a large part of why I did that was because I would get quite lazy and tired with the doing more mediocre things (eg. weekly quizzes) after doing assignments, so I think I need to actually put in effort in tuts and labs and quizzes.

and finally, just relax: I was soooo overstressed last semester in particular. it. was. CRAZY. That needs to never happen again, so atp, I think I am just going to uphold the Ps get degrees mindset for now and just prioritise my mental health before anything. I literally wouldn't go out for weeks, and it made me feel so couped up and insane. I would get so stressed out after submitting anything. I would spent 5x as much time on projects than anyone else. I feel like if I ever find myself getting like that, I should just stop the project or assignment and let it go. This semester, I am going to try and let myself make friends, have fun, and go out. Last semester I would deny all these opportunities for the excuse of "studying", but I don't think it did me any good. So, yeah, I am just gonna try and chill out a bit more.

now, in terms of more personal updates:

I finally finished outlander!! Well, at least until June/July lmao. What a ride. First season was probably my personal favourite, which is unfortunate, but hey, what can you do. It was actually pretty interesting to learn about Scottish and American history, I feel like my knowledge of it was pretty poor beforehand.

Began watching neon genesis evangelion!! It's kinda weird, and idk if I like it, but I will finish it because I feel like it's so iconic.

I am finishing up my med phys research internship!! Unfortunately, it is highly unlikely that I will actually complete the research task that I was given, but I am not super surprised given the fact that I was balancing work with a summer course and a part time job. I was also the youngest there (first year undergrad rip), so I will try not to be too harsh on myself. My supervisor was really encouraging and chill about it :')). I am glad it's finishing up though bc tbh it was a lot. I am really proud of myself for at least trying it and getting an internship in first year, because that's usually pretty difficult. Especially in something that I actually care about and is relevant to my career/future yk?

Joined a bunch of things for the sem. I am not sure if I will continue with any of them considering how busy I was last sem, but we will see. I joined a robotics competition with a group of friends so that will be fun. I also joined this online leadership project, which I think might be cool and not too heavy on me. I am also considering to join an engineering society and a start-up society thing, as I think I could make some friends and put some things on my resume. I am a bit scared to, so I am putting it off for now, but we will see.

and finally, the courses I will be doing starting next week are: introductary physics (I think we will touch upon mechanics, thermodynamics, and waves), data structures and algorithms, electrical eng introduction (basically this is circuit analysis, so a lot of maths lmao), and digital logic. wish me luck!!

Sorry for these long updates btw!!! Atp I'm just using this blog as a journal :')) don't mind me

#update #studyblr #studying #uni

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butchdykeorpheus · 1 year

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rambling under the cut ig

i feel like my life right now is just an exhausting tug of war between the shit i want to do for myself and the shit i have to do to survive and afford this degree and flat and also food to survive lmao i have 2 volunteering gigs that i'm really enjoying and i'm actually. ACTUALLY practicing therapy. amateurishly and it's early days but still. and that'd all be fucking great except i'm also spending 90% of the rest of my time in long exhausting retail shifts that cut into my sleep and make me tired and undercut my ability to show up fully to my placement and also that make me feel lowkey like a hypocrite trying to tell my client to prioritise self care more 8) and then the other 10% of my time doing the incredibly unfun parts of studying a postgrad

idk man at the end of the day individual therapy can only go so far and Capitalism Is The Enemy Of Mental Emotional Physical Wellbeing etc etc etc but i wish i didn't have to exhaust myself like this just to try to escape the minimum wage black hole and actually do what i WANT to do with my life. burn it all down is what i'm saying. i miss enjoying my free time

#anyway!! anyway #im ok i just need to complain for a minute :')#gray.txt #uni tag

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hockstuff · 2 years

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if you do end up in germany/south korea where would you go? does this influence your decision in any way?

Also do any of these programs have any other limitations like cost? Or too far away or something that might influence the decision? do they speak sufficient English for me to have a community there?

maybe answering some of these questions could help?

also especially if you're only there for a short time: you'll find a thousand places to love and visit wherever you go and they might be the tiniest of places so don't get sucked in (i don't think you will just quick reminder) by the appeal of the eiffel tower or something

it would be Berlin and Seoul as the main i guess “base” for the trips and both really appeal to me! i think it’s also best to clarify that these trips are very short as they’re intense international academic programs for my degree, so i wouldn’t be there long enough to really build a community other than with those in the program as well - which i knew applying for it ahahah i would’ve loved to do exchange but covid fucked it and im nearing the end of my degree 🥲

i think the biggest thing i’m struggling to decide is the academic aspect of it rather than the actual locations bc i know i’m going to loveeee either location regardless!! but they both have different objectives/topics/focuses academically, which is what i’m trying to decide i reckon but idk what exactly i prioritise more

i just had a ramble sesh with my roommate about my thinking behind this and where my heads at and i think i’m going to pref South Korea over Germany!! but again, this is all so so so highly competitive that i may end up not getting into either AHAHAHA (idek if you can get offered both or only one - it seems like i can only get offered one but the way the system works is so confusing)

#also other life updates: i had a job interview yesterday and apparently they really liked me but they’re looking for a full time person #so they’ve passed on my application to a different team in the org who’s looking for a part time person and #i have an interview friday morning before my retail job agsjdhddk #but that was a whole thing in itself that i had a little rant sesh about AHAHAHA #doing all this when i really should be writing my 3 essays due this week 💀💀💀#ask #anon #ppl help c

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smalls-words · 2 years

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don’t feel sorry abt it darling! i hope you get the chance to go snowboarding soon, go speedy zoom for us 🏂 also, your ATLA painting is really nice! i kinda wanna binge watch it now 😅

and i think it’s only right that i tell y’all some stuff about me too so that im not like… a complete stranger sooo here we go 😋

1. my given name feels “too feminine” sometimes (genderfluid problems 😐) so i’ve been experimenting with going by a more androgynous/neutral version of it. i’m liking it so far!

2. i’m filipino

3. i’m also a student! i’m an incoming first year in uni

4. i used to dance ballet but i quit a long time ago, then i pivoted to sports which i also quit more recently 😅 just focusing on academics and my own interests for now

- 🪐

(p.s. lorie is such a cute name AND it rhymes with rory!)

I’m finally big 😂

Okay, so I have an unpopular opinion about names. When a baby is born, I feel like androgynous/GN names should be prioritised. Idk, that’s just my opinion 🤷‍♀️

I’m also first year uni! Science degree 😗✌️

(Lorie is SO cute!)

#🪐 anon #small squeaks #anon asks

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theblacksmudge · 2 years

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honestly, my big issue with soulmate fic where people go 'but there's poly/platonic soulmates too!!!' is that is feels tacked on

#if your world genuinely prioritises poly/platonic relationships to the same degree as monogamous romance #the world would look pretty different to ours #and if they don't why don't they?#idk soulmate aus don't bother me until people start trying - badly - to address people's issues with them #like i was fine ignoring the cracks until you called attention to them #(now use of the concept of soulmates in more real world setting genuinely repulses me #like i have a very visceral reaction to characters stating they feel /made for each other/#the human mind is complex and has many whims i do not understand)#personal

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rantingcrocodile · 2 years

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is it weird that i don’t want male friends? lately i have been looking for women only clubs, but most of those clubs are in the states and unfortunately those clubs aren’t a thing here and also i can’t really make friends here since there’s still covid restrictions and i’m planning to move once i finish my degree and try to find those groups i guess lol.

i was friends with some straights guys, but most of them confessed to me, and it made me feel so annoyed and anxious.

and even if i met a straight guy with the same interests as me and doesn’t have those intentions, i still wouldn’t feel comfortable since i feel that eventually they’re going to confess to me.

i was also friends with some gay guys and i didn’t felt that anxious because i knew that they wouldn’t confess to me? but idk my best friendships have been with women though, i just feel that i’m making a weird decision.

I don't think that's weird at all. You're allowed to prioritise friendships with women (and you should!) and it's totally understandable to not feel comfortable around straight men considering so many of them confuse friendship (or one act of kindness, or even neutral, professional politeness) for an invitation to romance and/or sex.

You have to find friends that you personally feel most comfortable with, who will respect you as a person and who won't make you anxious or nervous or unsafe in any way. Concentrate on what makes you happy. It's even better being able to prioritise other women in your life!

#crocodilian answers #<3

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mrs-cameron · 3 years

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so a bit of life stuff (turned into ranting)

i’m making my first ever resume right now and ngl i’m a bit anxious about it

it’s not that i’m super scared to enter the workforce or whatever (caught myself lying! i am), it’s just that i’m one semester away from getting my bachelors degree and most of my peers have already tried different jobs/have other places to be and things to do besides uni

and i’ve only known myself as a student pretty much my whole life and outside of that, idk who i am?

i don’t want to get my diploma and have this void in my life (even though i will be applying to get my masters degree) so i thought that getting a job WHILE i’m still a student can make the transition easier

that being said i have no idea how to manage a whole ass job with school and thesis

and i know my dad will be so mad i’m out here getting jobs when he’s fine with me not working and prioritising school (even though it lowkey sucks and we don’t learn much and i feel like i’m wasting my time) but i kind of want my own money

and i’m not even guaranteed to get the job so might as well just try???? catch me having no experience or achievements to put in a resume 😌

so there’s this bubble of thoughts in my headdddd

#personal rants

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radiosandrecordings · 3 years

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Is it bad that I'm not more open or proud of my ace identity where I am about my romantic orientation? Like Idk if it's internalized acephobia but I feel like if rather pay attention to the attraction I do have rather than what I don't have? I'm only just now identifying as ace too so I might be a little scared to be open tbh.

That’s a very big question anon, and one I’m not sure I’m qualified to answer?

I really can’t tell you to what degrees you should want to talk about your own identity. If you’re using me as a base example here that’s probably a bad idea, because I tend to talk about it fairly often because it just comes up with being a TMA fan and wanting to project on Jon? And because I know I have a lot of ace followers who want to hear about that kind of stuff

I think I was in the same mindset as you before becoming a primarily TMA blog honestly, but it’s hard to tell because I think there’s a big gap in how relevant it is to your life between 16 and 18 when suddenly sex becomes Real Relevant to all your peers. So i honestly don’t know how my frequency of posting about it will adjust when I’m no longer mostly TMA posting. I mean obviously I won’t suddenly be quiet about an aspect of Me, but it probably won’t be a relevant topic as much because who knows where I’ll get another canon ace

I think ace is also an identity that a lot of people get forced to prioritise because of that lack of rep? Or because of rampant aphobia? Like priorising it for some people is an act of rebellion in a “fuck you, we’re here, we’re queer, we won’t shut up about it” kind of way.

But we’re not a monolith! You don’t suddenly have to change how you talk about yourself because of how other people talk about their identity. That doesn’t make it any less a part of you if you’re quiet. It’s just not as important to you and that’s absolutely fine. You can feel more proud of some aspects of your identity than others without betraying them. Like, I’d say my gender is most important to me, then being ace, then being bi. And I don’t feel bad about ordering it because it’s based on what I feel. I guess I just talk about gender less online because I’m always entrenched in overwhelmingly queer spaces where it’s more common to be trans than not so it’s not something I have to be loud about myself or no one else will

So summary: no it’s not bad, how you feel and the degree to which you’re vocal about your identity is very personal. If, like you said, you’re just a bit scared because you’re new to the label then it’s fine, you’ll come round in time. If you just never super care to be loud about it, that’s fine too! There isn’t a mandatory amount of coming out and conversations to have to be allowed to be something

#My Post #Asks #I hope I’m not talking shit here I feel like I’m very much not the person to answer this #I’m a humble podcast blog #but I tried my best #Q Word

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peepingtoad · 4 years

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OKAY SO.

It’s not that often that I talk about what I really think about Jiraiya, and I guess I mean more how I feel about him, since I always try to write my ‘deeper’ headcanons/metas from a more... idk, trying not to get too emotional about it point of view. Basically it’s because I know how controversial he is, and I pretty much ritually avoid a lot of takes because I don’t want to get irritated about something that really doesn’t matter much in the grand scheme, because we’re all entitled to our opinions and I largely get my say through the act of writing and developing him how I see fit.

Which is enough for me, mostly, but for the purpose of reinforcing/building upon how I see my muse’s plight, working through some of my Sannin-feels and also to dip my toes into why I find blindly judgemental/single-faceted takes of him, his priorities and the Sannin’s bond so exasperating, I kinda feel like rambling my thoughts (feelings) anyway!

Politely sticks this stream-of-consciousness mess under a cut.

So sometimes I do think about the fact that Jiraiya kinda, lmao, forgot about Everything Else in the world because of Orochimaru and his (frankly) obsession with him/them. And the fact that a ridiculously significant portion of bad shit that happened is down to his actions/inaction. And the fact that he really did go and leave the likes of Naruto (and maybe to a degree Kakashi, although there’s zero actual evidence he didn’t get involved given the strong indications of a great rapport in the canon), just because he was so hellbent on pursuing Orochimaru, who was not even shown to be affectionate towards him at the best of times. When I think about it in terms of Jiraiya being gone and the main reason we’re given for it, things suck for a number of people, and quite largely because of potentially unrequited/horribly communicated/obsessive JiraOro pursuits, in essence :’)

(And for all it’s still quite the rarepair, Jiraiya does express on accounts that he was destroyed when Oro left. I mean... this is the guy who rarely acknowledges his sadness so... It’s not my bias at all I sware)

Of course JiraTsu is very real in my eyes too, albeit a very different kinda tragic, as is OroTsu. And the messy poly ship? Ohohoho, even better, but... yeah. Tsunade does at least go her own way for a long time, as messed up as that is in itself, for reasons including the fact she seems to pointedly not heal or move on from her grief. And given the absolute debacle that was her and Jiraiya reuniting... and both her and Oro even discussing a possibility of sacrificing him... and just, them in general for that whole arc :’))) yeah. They are without a doubt messy and troubled, but even despite how fraught things become I genuinely think all the furtive expressions and the undercurrents of longing and the evasion of their past exhibits a history much deeper and full of lost love compared to many other team dynamics we get (otherwise the Three Way Divorce wouldn’t have been quite so horrible on them, would it? That and they’d probably have split up after Team Hiruzen was no more, if they really hated each other/just tolerated each other out of familiarity like I sometimes see speculated).

But yeah, back to our main man. Jiraiya’s intense (and frankly very Scorpio of him) love for our first series Big Bad kinda did ruin him and what he was setting out to do in some ways, to the degree that the actual story of Naruto wouldn’t be very much without him in terms of drama. I mean, he always loved a good story, right? So art imitates life, and innit just pathetic poetic.

And in so many ways it is incredibly tragic and pitiable that he’s Just Like That. Idealistic and warping everything terrible, no matter how bad, into adventure in his mind! As growth! As pain that makes you TOUGH and makes you a stronger man! As something to be pushed aside while you just keep on truckin’! Whatever anyone you love throws at you, it’s Totally Fine!

After so long narrating through his personal lens, I’ve come to realise he truly is so convinced that everything bad that happens, is sort of just... something he has to deal with and feel big and guilty and feelsy for while spinning it in ways that enable him to keep going. He just loads it on himself and sorta holds it. The fact he’s so sad and filled with sickly pining grief that he has to try and exorcise it with impulsive bouts of decadence? Fine. And it’s not abnormal at all, how he approaches things with such broad scope and just kinda... thoughtlessly wrecking-balls his way through everything he thinks is a great idea at the time. He experiences the fallout of these things and simultaneously feels the entire ravages of it acutely while compartmentalising it ever so neatly away. The crazy thing, too, is that he’s exceptionally convincing at making everything he does and how he handles things seem so grand and noble and romantic and tragic... but in a humorously self-deprecating and still ultimately very hopeful way, to the degree that I as a mun get caught up in his relentless optimism and forget he actually is a sad and heartbroken guy wrapped up in all this grandiosity.

Sometimes I do step back and look and I just think yeah, fuck, he really is a total disaster! He’s a walking disaster and he’s been so damaging to himself and others in so many ways, all because of acting on emotions and impulses without really thinking about the impact! He really did kinda give up on those who needed him and for what? A love that will never love him or prioritise him back?

A wonderfully tragic theme that I do love with him, don’t get me wrong.

But then at the same time, there’s always more nuance to be had than just ‘he is a disaster and made bad choices, as tragic and romantic as it is, he was actually just selfish and kinda sucked in the end, pathetically whipped by his friends and unable to let go of what they had’. There’s more nuance to be had than reducing him to a purely romantically-inclined character, who just snubs everyone else for a doomed love... because in the end, I think a huge part of JiraOro’s demise in particular was that Oro felt immensely snubbed by Jiraiya when he stayed in Ame, when his loyalty to Konoha (as a place and people, not necessarily a system) and of course loyalty to his own ideals was prioritised over Oro.

To an extent, I feel like Tsunade could have been a similar case, were she not preoccupied with already having lost so much, and besides I really do think she and Jiraiya were quite firmly in best friend zone at that point. With Tsunade not being able to get comfortable around Jiraiya or to pursue any underlying affection for him because of the dumbass way he always behaved (understandably of her tbh), probably until she got with Dan, by which point I reckon Jiraiya started to really come through by showing how he valued her for her, where we see by them having each other’s backs so closely in the second war. Not to mention him generally respecting that his feelings for her have no place by the time he gets her back to Konoha.

In terms of that first split in Ame, Jiraiya, I feel, simply didn’t think him leaving was going to be a big deal, because the three were always fiercely headstrong people who had their own shit going on (simultaneously independent while also being, perhaps not to their knowledge, So Very Codependent). Not only that, but his overly affectionate ways and incessant jolliness were probably considered such a joke that he was basically like ‘they’ll be fine without me’. I certainly don’t think he felt needed by them, which I don’t think is their fault or a point of angst and ‘waaah poor blameless Jiraiya’, because quite honestly, the strain on their relationship was something I fully believe even he didn’t realise he needed out of at the time. His one-track mind was just on ‘save kids, teach kids, this is right, must seize opportunity to be the change I was told I’d be, not continue with this godforsaken war’

Selfish? Maybe. Well-intentioned? Certainly. Intended to hurt anyone or imply he stopped caring? No.

In essence, when it comes to why in the end Jiraiya seemed to be so horrendously bad at being around at the worst of times, at being responsible, whatever else (and I’m not even going to go into scenes intended to be comedic because, they are comedic)... I’ve got to look at it from more than just one view. It’s easy to say ‘he’s ridiculous and terrible because he pretty much flaked on what was important based on his whims/a doomed love/his dick’ (which I have seen said lmao) but there are so many other things at play here.

So I’m thinking, while he was shirking duties (godfatherly mainly)... did he actually consider that his most important duty? Was it anyone’s place to tell him it was? Minato didn’t, as I recall, and when he sacrificed himself he specifically left it to the Third because he (presumably) respected what his teacher was about and knew he wasn’t for staying put. Did Jiraiya not consider his primary duty to be to the prophecy, and in a more general sense fixing the big wrongs and trying to foil big dangers to his home? Were these things not pretty much what he existed for (as much as his faith wavered and went off the rails at times)? Was that not the main source of any real purpose he ever had, being a kid who showed practically no ambition before? Did he not pretty much redesign himself as being ‘from Mt. Myōboku’ rather than Konoha after two devastating wars, and thus is it not understandable for him not to focus solely on Konoha—not outright destroying it, still ultimately loyal to his home and not about to let anyone destroy it, but seeing that the world is in fact so much bigger than just his little town? Is that really something that’s so bad and wrong of him, in a story where the main cast’s country has a pretty fucking nasty system and is established to do so very early on? Is he not pretty revolutionary in his own brand of not blindly serving, but not going on a destroy-it-all frenzy either?

Also, was he not the only one who actually bothered to investigate Akatsuki and the forces that would see Naruto dead, in time? For all he did help bring Akatsuki into existence in ways, it was inevitable from before he even met the orphans that they were going to be groomed/moulded into what they became, regardless of whether Jiraiya came onto the scene. Jiraiya leaving them was just a different kind of suffering to what they were inevitably going to suffer anyway, and hell, with his influence at least there was a time where they might’ve stood a chance of going totally against Madara/Obito’s path, especially while Yahiko was still around. Jiraiya didn’t know that the whole thing with the Ame orphans was, by a design out of his control, doomed to end horribly. So while he felt personally responsible not knowing this, and it’s taken as a given that he was... actually, was he, when there was a master manipulator at play? Was it wrong to want to give some kids a chance?

With regards to all those things I see people say he should have stayed and fixed, that he should have been there, he should have done x y z... Is it not the responsibility of everyone not satisfied with their lot to step up to the plate and make where they live better? Jiraiya wasn’t the only adult. Tsunade, and I absolutely love her, does seem overwhelmingly to be absolved of leaving Konoha because... ??? Kicker is that she too is related to Naruto, of course.

So... was she not also needed for the very material ways she could’ve helped at numerous points? Was she not also placing her grief and lost love before everything else? Are some reasons inherently more ok than others to ditch? As Kakashi’s generation grew up, was it not also then up to them to decide whether they’d change the status quo? Were Minato’s own generation, presumably his own peer group, not complicit in Naruto’s ostracisation? We got a slight taste of rebellion with Asuma, Hiruzen’s own son, but the fact is many Konoha-nin were overwhelmingly complacent with how things were. And yet never get demonised at all for it. Because it’s Jiraiya’s fault for... not staying and giving it all up to be a guardian who could well be depressed and unfit to raise a child... or just being a flaky as hell one that’s never there anyway because he has shit to do? (and in doing the former would let too many things go unchecked by a completely tuned-out Hokage, not gathering all that spicy useful intel, y’know... essentially he wouldn’t have ended up largely doing his job along with the personal shit in between).

Basically when I see claims saying that Jiraiya as an individual should have done pretty much everything better, and somehow been there for everyone that needed him at any given time, and that (mostly Naruto’s) suffering was a failing on Just His part because of his selfish whims... I feel like the point of his tragedy is absolutely missed. That tragedy being that barrelling through things alone is definitely a failing and harmful in numerous ways, as we see with Itachi shouldering everything alone too, and we see them both miss out on Naruto and Sasuke as a result... but at the same time, is just settling down and leaving everything else to chance not also a huge failing, when there are so many other circumstances and enemies acting against you, when you do have the power to change tides, and when so many other people refuse to or can’t seize their own agency? Jiraiya does put his faith in a lot of people too, and a lot of people fail. Don’t fail him, but in a general sense many, like Minato, fail to make the change they wanted to. That’s life in this world, it’s tragic, and after losing a lot of loved ones yeah, he retreats and goes at it alone.

But how can he win? How does he do what’s right, other than by chasing what he thinks he can do to actually help the world, which happens to be bigger and not centred on individuals, even those he cares about?

(and remember, nobody knows Naruto is special-reincarnation-prophecy-boi, which is why I tend not to blame-game any characters for him being treated like so many orphans were because... while it’s not morally right or nice at all, it’s tone deaf to how the world is, to the fact all characters having different degrees of knowledge and priorities, and it’s insensitive of the fact most the characters had their own struggles and were just doing their best with a bad lot gdi).

Hell though, Jiraiya even does put Oro, his big obsessive wild goose chase that whisks him away into selfish pining hopelessly devoted land, on the back burner at points. Maybe not in a lasting way, particularly by the last databook where he’s inspired anew by Naruto, but he does prioritise other shit on numerous occasions. And there’s a lot of shit to try and prioritise.

What I’m trying to say is, Jiraiya can’t solely be held responsible for people. Sure, he’s a character whose decisions were pivotal to events, but what of every other character in the story? Why are they not held to the same crazy high standard of doing and protecting and preventing and somehow doing everything ‘right’ that would have also meant him fitting neatly into the Konoha mould? Would other characters really have been that much better in the position of The Big Guide/Martyr/Tragic Hero/Force For Change character? And also is having a tragic Chaotic Good bastard of a hero not a sign of a damn good and interesting character, that at the very least tried where so many others didn’t? Would Naruto not have been a boring as hell story, whose main protag didn’t really have much conflict to make him compelling, without Jiraiya (among others) being a mess with the best intentions? Without so many other characters having failed him, for him to overcome it and still be able to love and inspire change (albeit through sometimes-clumsy talk-no-jutsu)? Was I missing the point of the story?

............. Hmm!

No longer sure where else I’m going with this now, so.... here, I guess, ends my ode to why character hate (especially that reduces them to One Thing) is dumb, why demonising truly well-meaning characters doesn’t feel particularly woke to me in a cast full of flawed characters and horrible circumstance, and why I’ll defend this poor bastard with far too damn much hinging on him to the end I guess :’)

TL;DR HE’S A DUMBASS AND HE TRIED, OKAY?!

#i feel like this is like... about as bold as i'll get with this subject #{ooc}#{memoirs(headcanons)}#not sure about it being a headcanon as such but it does include some of mine so.... for now it can be #{long post}#{meta&analysis}

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theharellan · 4 years

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THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: stolen from @dansiere tagging: @ghiassan, @deathsreflection, @altuspavus, @windrunnerrs (velanna), @hopewrought, @willbeshot, @seahaloed (iron bull), @asterfed (noctis), @ anyone who wants to steal it! also multis feel free to choose a different character

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated (i’m open to roleplaying with non-dragon age characters, and have AUs for other fandoms)

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. solas is both wildly popular and wildly hated. he’s been more consistently popular than the controversial women in the series, like sera or vivienne, who have only recently begun to get to the point where their tags are less vitriolic (although i’m sure it’s still out there), but there’s still a sizable hatedom that can’t have his name breathed in their vicinity w/o them talking abt how much they hate him. even if you’re currently cosplaying him!

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. again, you have ppl who are super into him and ppl who think he’s ugly. my personal opinion is that i think he’s weirdly pretty, and wish ppl would commit more to his unconventional features rather than try to chisel him into sb more traditionally attractive and that ppl who don’t find him attractive would maybe chill w/ calling him ugly. find him unattractive by all means, but lets embrace the fact that inquisition let their love interests have skin flaws etc and accept that some won’t be our cups of tea.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. its hard to deny at this point tbh.

Are they underrated? YES / NO / IDK. frustrating as the hate in the tags he has enough fans that i couldnt say he’s underrated w/ a straight face.

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO. he’s the reason the game starts with a bang and not the inevitable dissolution of the conclave b/c the sides are disparate.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. regardless of solas’ relationship with the inquisitor, there are parallels and contrasts in their stories and he also is the reason they survive inquisition.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. fen’harel is well-known and revered, if feared, among the dalish, yet at the same time he’s not remembered for a lot besides locking the gods away-- and the context of that decision has also been lost. as solas he’s relatively unknown until inquisition and especially trespasser.

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. again, polarising!! he has loyal agents and people are willing to speak well of him despite everything, including his enemies sometimes (depending mostly on the inquisitor).

How strictly do you follow canon? — generally i try to have a canon basis for my interpretation, even if i interpret the text differently than the author.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals. — solas is an immortal who is simultaneously jaded and very much invested in the small moments of life. far from being weary of the day-to-day lives of ordinary people, it is systems and orders he is most tired of. he walks an interesting line that feels far less misanthropic than other immortal characters i’ve experienced, yet still he’s quite cynical. as a character who has fought against religious based tyranny before, but in a completely different era, he is in a unique position where what he sees around him is both horrifyingly familiar and yet completely new. it allows an exploration of the wrongs of thedas’ society from an outsider’s perspective. his motivations are complex and multifaceted, often condemnable and yet also understandable. his character arc in inquisition (if befriended, or regardless in the case of my solas) takes him from a dispassionate, disconnected antagonist to someone deeply invested in the people of thedas, deeply conflicted and actively hoping he will be proven wrong again. i think his story is a testament to human (or elven, or dwarven, or-) connection and how even when we resist we can’t resist creating bonds with the people in our lives. i personally see this bond going beyond the inquisitor hence why i play low-approval solas as conflicted as high-approval, if not when it comes to the inquisitor.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?). — solas is selfish and motivated solely by revenge, he’s clinging to a past that clearly no longer exists, if you ignore all the people from it who are still alive. he’s totally unaware of all his flaws and never owns up to any mistakes ever. no, i haven’t listened to a single word solas has said in my life why do you ask. he’s also critical of my faves which means he’s #cancelled, there is clearly no validity to what he’s saying. ksjdf no but in all seriousness i think a lot of reasons ppl don’t find solas interesting are just... weird readings of his character that sometimes have no basis in the text of inquisition, but also there are plenty of perfectly valid reasons to not find him interesting. usually those ppl don’t like... talk abt how much they don’t find him interesting constantly tho. they just chill and aren’t invested in this particular villain. for one thing i think the game missed out on opportunities for exploring how someone who may not have even had a body at the beginning of his existence would feel about gender and sexuality, so making him presumably straight and cis was a boring choice. i also think that the dragon age games being very protagonist-centric hurts solas’ character, there’s no real reason why the inquisitor is the only one who can throw his plans into question but making the player the center of the universe means he’s not allowed to change due to the effects of other companions or NPCs. thank god this is rp and i do what i want.

What inspired you to rp your muse? — i have a history degree so when the inquisition companions were being teased, solas describing bias in primary sources from the memories he’s seen got me interested in him. but my first playthrough i didn’t actually take him with me all too often, i think my main party was dorian-blackwall-varric. i liked him, and i think he or dorian were my first friends in skyhold, but my initial interest was in other characters. between his dialogue that appealed to the historian in me tho and how his spirit opinions sort of turned everything i’d felt about spirits in the last two games on its head, i started vibing with him more the farther i went in. like merrill set me up for the “spirits are people” thing and solas hit it out of the park. then temple of mythal happened, and i did bring solas with me there. i found his dialogue fascinating and also suspicious, i’d just finished masked empire like the day before da:i came out so i definitely thought solas was an ancient elf in the same vein as felassan. it was after temple of mythal that i actually decided to make his blog, although like as one idk linchpin to cement my status as solas trash... i was hit BAD by the banter bug on my first playthrough, probably got like a dozen banters total. but then at some point late in the game i took solas to the forbidden oasis and he wouldn’t stop talking to people, and i really loved his banter with the rest of my party at the time.

What keeps your inspiration going? — replaying inquisition, new DA content when the bioware gods deign to grant us a lifeline, but the biggest thing is my rp partners. i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the people i write with, new and old. my activity of late hasn’t been the best, work and the summer heat has really been sapping me of energy, and does even during years when we aren’t going through a pandemic. but it’s the thought of my rp partners and love of solas that keeps me coming back.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? i have my doubts sometimes, but i think i do ok.

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO / SORT OF? there is no headcanon too small for me.

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO. but not lately * gestures to the low activity * i’ve been in this cycle where i get anxious abt late replies, so prioritise them, then burn myself out and can’t write the fics i want. i’ve had two i’ve been DYING to write tho i just... need to find the space in my brain to let myself.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO. i mean it depends on the day. if i work closing shifts at my store it gets very quiet and boring around 8:30 so i spent the next 90 minutes thinking about character stuff.

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO / SORT OF?

Are you confident in your writing? YES / NO / SOMETIMES.

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO / SORTA.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal? — i’m going to say ‘no’ because like, i don’t ask for criticism. this is a hobby based on my interpretation of a character, if you think i write solas too soft then you’re welcome to think that, but i’m happy with the balance i’ve struck with his internal versus external behaviour and how he changes based upon who he’s speaking to. if you think i’m erasing straight people by making solas pan then ksjdfs. ok.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character? — yes!!! even if they retread ground already trodden, a) my interpretation may have adjusted since the last time i played or b) a reminder is nice. if it’s new stuff then it’s fun to think about.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? — it’d depend on why they disagree. if they just disagree on a subjective opinion about what i took from a certain line, then they’re welcome to their opinion but i don’t necessarily care to hear it. if it is unintentionally hurtful then i would like to know. although rather than a comment i’d rather a non-anonymous message.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it? — same as the above.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it? — if they’re vocal about it i typically just unfollow / softblock if i was following in the first place. people can feel how they want about solas, but i’ve found over the years that if people really hate solas ooc it can often bleed into their ic interactions. it’s really weird seeing your character being brought up repeatedly in threads with others specifically to dunk on, for no reason other than i guess solas is living rent free in their heads, so at least we have that in common. but anyway unfollowing is just the best choice to avoid getting kinda pressed if i’m having a bad day.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors? — roleplay is the wild west of writing, so i think it’d depend on what the error was. coming at me like “you shouldn’t start a sentence with a preposition” would get a laugh, but i don’t edit my replies much if at all and mistakes will 100% happen. pointing out typos is chill so long as you do it politely.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun? — it depends! i’ve learned that being too easy going actually just means i’m subjecting myself to negative emotions to please people. so i’ve gotten less easy going as the years go by. how does one define “easy going” anyway? does asking that question mean i am objectively not easy going? the longer this thought goes on the more the answer seems to be “probably not,” but i like to think it could be a lot worse.

#( long post )#( ooc )#( about me )

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