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theswordwizard · 8 months

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ai art: both sides

I think a lot of non-artists are also just really and truly not understanding the big picture. I personally could not care less about that cat image, it was fun, whatever, but you are only producing those kinds of images in the sense that an art director "produces" whatever art they are in charge of. They are telling another artist what to do, even guiding them, but they are not considered the artist themselves. Artists who are creating their own art, who are trying to survive off of their work (many of whom have some form of disability, as art is easy to do while sitting down, etc), who are already in the middle of fighting to not just be tossed aside for a product which doesn't even produce the results it claims, are reacting negatively because they are seeing that in parallel with tabling spaces taken up with people presenting generated art as their own illustration, and game devs/producers using it as a way to explicitly avoid paying people for work, while using something that was trained on their work.

"Why do people react so strongly to things possibly being AI art?" If you want to keep it out of the courts, then public opinion matters all the more. It's about a party line that is easily communicable. Most artists are going to be strongly anti-AI because that's the best way to protect themselves than trying to "open a discussion" about it. It's like nurse scabs. We can argue back and forth all day about the intricacies of scabbing for important jobs, but at the end of the day the party line will generally be "scabbing is bad," "we don't like scabs," "scabbing harms workers."

People are trying to compare people getting mad about it to people getting mad about Duchamp's fountain, which just lets me know about their level of art education, and the level of which they like to talk out their ass.

Duchamp's fountain isn't a major point in art history because of the object itself, its because of the STATEMENT. It is because of the placement of the object IN THE GALLERY. It is the equivalent of a political pamphlet, but summed up in a single object that incites discussion around his political statement. It isn't about the object it is about the CONCEPT. We can literally call anything we want "art" if we dedicate ourselves to reframing it and treating it as such, it's just that most non-artists don't even care. They want the label of being an artist without even putting in an effort to. It's like if I wanted to be called a photographer and I wanted people to treat me as such, and so I just made a portfolio of pictures I took off of Pinterest or even a stock photo site, because I've decided that it's the photos I would WANT to take, and thus I can just act like they have anything to do with me.

There have been arguments over much more "similar" things for a long time too. Since the 90s Richard Prince has been taking people's instagram photos, making slight tweaks to avoid copyright, and then printing them large scale and selling them for tens of thousands of dollars. Technically legal, kinda shitty, as he does it without even contacting the (plenty of times, women) original posters. And that's just with selfies people have taken! But I don't see people mentioning that because a lot of people don't like him, and most people arguing to legitimize AI art to be uncontested don't actually care that much about contemporary art. They have zero real interest in being an artist and talking about art to that degree, to have those discussions in a way that isn't validating themselves. Duchamp's fountain in a gallery incites discussion because galleries are places of art discussion. If someone brought a crate of mechanically woven baskets (that they bought from amazon) to a craft fair, people are going to be rightly pissed off. It's about context.

It's also, in my opinion, a similar discussion to the one that was big on twitter not too long ago, where people argued that artists weren't obligated to be able to draw non-white and/or disabled people. Which, sure, but you probably aren't that good of an artist if you don't know how to. And someone going through a portfolio of exclusively white people might go "huh, only white people. interesting." (I even want to include a gotcha here! If an artist has a portfolio of white people, and they have a section talking about their focus being painting their family tree in like, northern Ireland, it's gonna be a totally different story. why, you ask? because there is an underlying concept other than "wow this artist really only likes white people." this is part of the reading comprehension test that will follow.)

And you know what, I'm going to be honest - and this is likely a result of me not being a photographer - but I'm not even really talking all that much about AI photo edits, outside of the large scale implications of what it means that anyone can create a highly realistic image of anything they want (including political figures, female celebrities, you see my pattern here) with zero effort, on a mass scale we've never seen previously. I think they should only be used with stock, and I even think that photographers who upload their works should get additional payments from it. I actually had used a generator back in 2019 for a project, well before this even became a discussion, and it was even featured in a gallery show for a bit! The overall theme was "fake news," so it was a conceptual piece with fake landscape photography that I made with some beta tool. The point was the tool in combination with the tool's result, not how pretty the fake pictures were. I also want to say it was trained a lot more ethically than a lot of the generators that are so popular today.

And this isn't to say that you have to have a gallery or be so fully integrated in a physical art scene or whatever to be able to make conceptual art or talk about it - honestly I think zines that could actually combine whatever your concept is with having room to talk about it, and they're easy to create both physically and digitally and share. maybe just don't have it be around "look at all these pretty pictures that I made with AI." similar to how people at the art book fair aren't going to be impressed with me being like "look at all these pretty pictures I found on Unsplash."

Sure, AI art is "real art," but it's not illustration or photography or whatever, it's conceptual art. Which means it's main goal is to incite thought and discussion about it. Like the D&D book's release that suddenly turned to being about the AI art they used. So if you want to be an artist using primarily AI, go ahead, no one can stop you, but the topic is culturally significant with the current fight between the entertainment unions to protect their livelihoods, so the discussion will be heated.

#ai art #honestly unimpressed with how transparent a lot of the arguments ive seen here are

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hjellacott · 1 year

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The biggest problem with the radical activism and woke lobbyes has nothing to fo with the actual collective they pretend to defend. It's their violence that's a problem.

My city is one of those with a history like "Romans now Muslims, now the Christians kill the Muslims, now the Jews win but now the Christians kill the Jews, now you can't be jew but Muslim is fine, now you can only be Christian or you're dead". Like, it's always been, until the day democracy came, about violent prosecution. One mafia of bullies that decides who's the new bad guy and threatens, harasses and kills them.

And yeah now Jews and Muslims all live at peace in the city. There are even neighbourhoods historically of one or the other and there's peace. There's respect. Even the million types of Christianism share the city as well and it's fine. But I still see that awful violence and anger towards the minority black in a school full of white, against women, against gays and lesbians... it just acquires other forms.

Liberalism and democracy were supposed to be about respect and freedom. Like, we were all supposed to live, do, say what we wish and we'd all respect each other and draw the line at actions that were actively a danger to life. But now there's this woke mafia of hyper correction and stupid moves that's ruining everything.

They first ruin it for the cause they claim to represent. I saw this first in the feminism, when extremists would violently harass people and turn them against feminism, when perhaps before they were neutral. Like, violent speech, harassment and bullying is never going to be the way to go. To me, it reminds me of the Nazis, and the way each religion was burned down in my city in different moments of its history. Prosecuted and made to disappear. And with that in my head, I'm never going to support people who harass, threaten, bully, insult and get violent. And you'll ask, but what if they were SS soldiers, wouldn't you get violent? Isn't violence sometimes justified? And it really isn't.

I'm not going to turn into those who prosecuted my ancestors. I'm a fierce believer in peaceful protest and I've been attending them and being in syndicates since my teenage years. If they behave like violent animals, burning bins and books, harassing, attacking, threatening... I'll go as opposite as I can. I stay with the law. I am active in politics, to make sure the people who'll do the good job get in the right positions, and if I see someone attack someone else, I stand in the middle. I fight one battle at a time, and adapt my weapons as I go.

So these gangsters, like I'm saying, first ruin it for their own causes, but then they ruin it for freedom of speech (hello cancel culture) and for democracy and basic freedoms. They create a world where you always feel watched and judged, so people will get so worried about others' opinions about them that they'll say what it takes to get in your good side. And that leads to performative activism. Look at how much money Adidas, umbro, primark and so on have made with lgbt merchandise. How many rich businessmen get richer by pretending to support the right causes, but do you actually know for sure that those boards of business people aren't a bunch of sexist, racist assholes? In most cases, you don't. But they do what it takes for the woke cult to shut it. I'd really be the most unsurprised if half of those celebs that look so supportive and lefty in social media are actually just performing, making money, lying... not really believing what they preach. What's trendy to preach.

This has created a world where, specially here in the left wing, you can't trust anyone. I'll explain. When Trump makes racist comments, you can trust and be sure that he really believes in that, because he's going with the non trendy behaviour. But if the trendy thing is to be against racism and misogyny and so on, then what you don't know is if the people around you that claim to support you (because they don't want to lose their jobs and that kinda thing) actually does support you. That's why we can't trust any more. Thanks to the radical leftwingers and radical right wingers who've pushed people into never again behaving sincerely, into performative activism, a pretend game, afraid of the punishment if they don't join the new trend. You can't even attempt to stay neutral. It doesn't work.

I'm a fierce believer in social-democracy. It's my favourite option. And as a bisexual woman, artist, and product of such an incredible genetic mix that nazis would've thrown me into a camp without a second thought, I'd love to believe that truly, the majority of the world would stand for a Jew, for a lesbian, for a black person, for any minority. But I can't. I look at the people with lgbt sweaters and can't help to think "yeah you'd sell us in a heartbeat, you're just going with the trendy thing". I look at people online defending BLM and I know more than half won't go to the protests or care the next week.

I know because as an activist, I'm sick of seeing millions of comments online in favour or against but then you go to the protests and where's everybody? At home. Where it was safe and comfortable, and probably sending cyberbullying and pretending to care about a new thing. A few months ago we were all about BLM. Now that's evaporated and it's all about the trans people. And while so many pretend to care, the ones who truly care are ignored, no one cares if you're a pretend activist just in social media or a real one, and the radical activists pretend to care the most and do the most harm.

#cancel culture #performative activism #woke #liberalism #social democracy #feminism #women's rights #anti semitism #lgbt #lesbians #gays #bisexuals #trans

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manifestingvouyer · 2 years

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MV Vaunt #1-A kiosk at midnight.

I am that dream girl.

I'm so enchanting, intoxicating, complex, complicated, unassuming yet somehow stands out in a crowded room or cocktail bar standing in a corner giggling while some one tries to shoot their shot with me.

And as soon as that person wanders off the bar to buy me another drink someone else steps in and attempts to whisk me back to their table in their attempt to seduce me with deep intellectual conversation in between eye fucking and invites to events that they think will interest me. Rinse wash repeat till I've faked promises to follow up with all of them and decide to call it a night and take an uber home.

I just capture the attention of everyone around me like that all the time. I am interesting, I am cool, I am secure, I somehow am full of faults and flaws and very self aware of them and yet they seem to just attract everyone to me like bees to honey.

i am the girl that enters every room in slow motion.

i am the girl that is mysteriously beautiful, my body is perfect from head to toe, my face is stunning, i've got a mega watt smile and beautiful sparkling eyes. i just get hearts racing. Gorgeous Men and women, they are both equally drawn to me.

I am full of strong opinions, anectdotes, compliments, and make anyone I chat to feel like the most important person in the room. I empathise, I debate, I cleverly say inappropriate things that make people blush, no one is immune to my charm and my beauty.

I have a 100% success rate of making anyone and everyone I want fall head over heels for me. It's normal to get offers of commitment from everyone I date. All my lovers have seen me as the one, and I am always the one that got away from the ones that I decide weren't for me.

I am classy, I am independent, I am wealthy I'm warm, I am beyond talented, I am incredibly fun, and I've got the boobs, ass, abs, legs, style, and sexual experience to boot.

I've been written about in novels, I'm the girl that people can't believe exists in real life. I am somehow a unicorn yet my complications and complexities that should make people run a mile just draw them towards me even more.

I'm the end of a film when jazz plays in the background and I get a heartfelt proposals or declaration of love, someone begging me to be theirs and make them the happiest person in the world.

I'm messy hair and jumpers and boots, I'm a french bob and an LBD, I'm sexy knickers and topless, I'm a vintage dress with loafters, I'm an old uni sweatshirt and leggings, I'm a long navy coat, polo neck chunky jumper and jeans. I'm a see through dress and cocktail doing karaoke or dancing in a small bar, I'm the cheeky pictionary partner at a dinner party making rude drawings that have nothing to do with anything. I'm your colleagues friend that you begged to be introduced to.

I'm a mess yet somehow your parents just fall in love with me and even your uptight mother is somehow caught up in this tidal wave of charm, complications, and magnetic radiance.

I love being a dream girl. I love being a dream girl.

I love being a dream girl.

And so it is.

#law of assumption #vaunt #self concept #manifesting #neville goddard #Spotify

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writingwithcolor · 3 years

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Hi! I'm Jewish, writing Jewish characters, but I'm more, disconnected than average? Not confident enough about my own experiences to keep going without more thoughts! I've come across the idea that including Known Polytheism (like, a setting where Actual Gods are about) with Jewish characters is offensive for going against the one God idea, but it doesn't read as hurtful to me? God to me is omni-everything and would be Above the other gods, but I wanted a more connected opinion before going on!

Can Jewish authors write polytheistic settings?

To me, the answer to this question isn't "why do some of the WWC mods take this position" but "how should we handle it when there is disagreement within a group?" Because as a Jewish writer, you get to make that call for yourself. No marginalized group is a monolith, for one thing, and for another, writing something controversial from the inside means you have a head start in not falling into the holes in the road. For example, being Jewish means you aren't as likely to use the polytheism-is-true setting as a way to make us look backward, curmudgeonly, stubborn, wrong-headed, etc.

A Jewish writer writing something that bugs other Jewish people still has the right to write that. I've said before that I'm okay with the idea that there might be Jewish readers who disagree with my wizard hottie Isaac performing magic (because it's against halacha) or transforming into a lizard or dragon (because not everyone is comfortable with the idea of reclaiming), and that disagreement doesn't mean either one of us is wrong.

Personally, I'm comfortable with a level of "the other pantheons are just powerful superbeings", not actual big-G Gods. But that's because I don't process HaShem as "a character" even though that's the way the Torah is written. For me it's like -- how could I put the crispy beautiful morning silence on the same level with Marvel Thor? (That being said, I do have this piece of religious art up in my house.)

--Shira

I resoundingly agree with Shira. As a Jewish person you get to decide what you are comfortable with (though, that doesn't necessarily shield you from the opinions of any other people who may disagree with you) and if you are comfortable writing a world with multiple gods, go for it!

I love books with various supernatural beings in them, and I am not at all tripped up when it comes to adding Jewish people to those stories. It isn't difficult for me to reconcile my conception of HaShem (capital-G God), and a world where other (small-g) gods exist. The issue for me has typically been twofold:

1) When the story has a Known Truth, and that Truth is that one religion is correct.

- If it isn't us, we're often just in the story to be shown as stubborn, and unwilling to accept facts. It's frustrating to be used as a fussy prop.

- I haven't seen it much, but even a case where we are the one religion that is "correct" in the story, would have to be handled very carefully, in order to avoid antisemitic canards about supremacy, and frankly, to avoid putting other groups in the position we are so often in.

2) When the story includes Various Truths, we are often still there to be the boring, stuffy ones.

We're not the boring ones because we have a single God, we have thousands of years of tradition (and arguing about the tradition), spanning huge swaths of the globe, to draw on!

If you avoid those two pitfalls, I think you'll be in a good position. Some people won't care for the setting, or will feel uncomfortable, and they are allowed to feel that way too. Do your best, do it with intention, and show your own culture to be as rich, full, and vibrant as everyone else's.

As a final note, don't be afraid to research Jewish traditions, and folkways. Even without feeling disconnected, there are just so, so many groups of Jewish people in the world, with different folklore, language, food, and that's before you even get to anything explicitly religious! There's a lot for you to explore, and to fill your work with, and that will help you steer clear of the problems listed above.

-- Dierdra

Ha, this takes me back to some embarrassing memories! I did once write a story about Ariadne from the Minotaur myth (I was about 15 and basically on a mission to rewrite the world’s literature with happier endings for the women characters…). I personally felt uncomfortable with the polytheism-as-fact aspects of the worldbuilding and ended up making a backstory for all the Greek ‘gods’ which showed them to be frauds. I include this just as an example of the diversity of Jewish opinions on this one. As Dierdra and Shira have clearly shown, there is no blanket rule that you can’t do this, but that said, I wouldn’t read it.

-Shoshi

#ratchetclankarecute #Jewish #Jewish wrirters #ownvoices #religion #worldbuilding #asks

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soul-dwelling · 2 years

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upopular opinions?

I'm going to pick something outside of what I usually complain about on this site and say what is probably unpopular:

I'm really displeased with how the Spy x Family anime and merchandise has turned out.

Don't get me wrong--I love the manga. But the anime and the merchandise is taking every step that I hate in anime and fandom, and now with what I just read, it's fucking gross. It's getting to the point that I'd rather read the manga and not get back to the anime.

Let's start with the anime. I thought Episode 1 was good--it didn't quite nail some visual cues I would want to see carried over from the manga, such as Twilight confronting his target in shadows, but it was good enough. It got my attention, I was happy enough, and I was looking forward to the next episode.

But then Episode 2 had such odd choices for animating Yor's fights, and Episode 3 removed just how bloody it was when Twilight smashed that purse snatcher into the cobblestones. None of this is a dealbreaker, it's just less enjoyable than I thought, and it exposes some limitations in the animation and budget.

It just feels like there is no impact to the kicks and punches...until Episode 5, where suddenly the budget kicks in. The fighting and action seemed better animated, and a lot of that probably owes to how the animators took the original chapter and built onto it, coming up with new scenes that let them plot out more interesting scenes, more fights, more action, even some song spots. I thought this would be a good sign for the series...

...then I literally just now read an article that they are making a naked figurine of Yor--and I re-read the text, thinking, "Nah, this has to be a joke"...and it's not.

It's the "Maka to Tamaki" problem all over again: we go from, "Hey, here's a character, they're badass, we aren't sexualizing them in some gross way," to "Nah, let's fanservice this in the most crass way we can."

EDIT: I just read more information, and I can't tell whether this is official merchandise or bootleg. If it was official, my remarks below are towards the production companies; if it is bootleg, my remarks below are towards segments of the fanbase.

Look, Yor is stunning, attractive, a badass fighter--that's fine, I completely get people being attracted to her. Yeah, trying to find fan art, infrequently getting images where the artist is just wanting to draw Yor to look hot, is annoying, but it's not like there isn't a ton of art that is just the kind of sickeningly sweet family togetherness art I want to see from the series. And I was happy that the manga did not lean into the typical dumb fanservice shots: if you want to think Yor is hot when she's in a fight, fine, but at least when I read it, it never comes across as the same pathetic male gaze problem. Nothing ever felt like it was trying to divide up Yor into parts for fetishistic enjoyment: if you think a kick or an outfit looks sexy on her, great, but it never felt like, "Here's a cheesecake shot for those of you tired of Anya's school-day activities and Twilight's espionage." Hell, Yor hasn't been in a position where she had to use her body to appeal to any target--that was refreshing, to have it be more often that Twilight is the one who has to use his looks and charm in a mission, and even then they have avoided a lot of the "James Bond bedding women" problems from the spy genre.

But for the merchandisers to decide, "Let's make a naked figurine of Yor," is over the line and just repeats the same dumb lopsided problem of sexualizing women.

"But Episode 5 told us what color Twilight's boxers are! Isn't that equal opportunity?!" The fact that such a detail was, of course, the only takeaway some viewers got was just exhausting--especially when it's a joke about how obsessed WISE is about Twilight's work and profile. It's a throwaway gag that doesn't sexualize Twilight, the joke is on WISE.

I've enjoyed Spy x Family for appealing to multiple demographics and genres, and while it is obviously violent, it never struck me as something too out of line for viewing for a wide age range, especially when the bloodiest stuff is presented in such a comedic way (for example, Anya imagining a mission with Yor where it ends with Anya just covered in blood). Yeah, this is definitely the cliche problem: "Oh, so all this violence and blood is fine with you, but the sexualized stuff isn't?!" The series at least felt funny and creative in how it executed violence; "here's a naked figurine" is the same crass merchandizing to get another buck out of the same typical audience. It's a cliche: "the anime fans just wanted their waifu as a naked figurine!" I don't want to sound like a prude, but looking at this series, about sugary sweet family feels, espionage, and assassinations, and still--still--going to the "let's appeal to the horny crowd" marketing strategy for this figurine is just fucking tiresome.

(That's not even getting into my headcanon that Twilight and Yor are demisexual, and sexualizing either of them seems all kinds of ick for characters who I think you could interpret as potentially ace, but that's just me.)

#long post #dwells whines

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elizabethrobertajones · 3 years

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Saw you've been sucked into the MMO life in the form of FFXIV and I was wondering if you had any input into the debate I've been having about what class archetypes tfw would play. I think Sam would be most likely to tank because it requires a reasonable amount of leadership and is also more of a quiet, backbone type role compared to dps. Dean seems more the type to be singularly focused on the big damage hits tbh. He also tends to take more of the charging in and fighting role in their normal life with Sam being the one reading up on everything more carefully and being his backup. Which leaves Cas as healer which may just be me projecting because I play healer/support at every opportunity but literal angel healing aside I think that sorta fits too, he cares a lot for them and tries to keep them safe and shield them as best he can in their adventures? Idk half formed thoughts please completely contradict me if you want I'm genuinely curious about other people's opinions here

Heyooo :D It is less sucked into and more like I’ve returned to the warm cushiony nest of MMOs lol

If you’d asked me back when I was a WoW player I’d have fully agreed because you could only have one class per character and these are definitely the snap decisions that the fam would make when on the character screen. Dean would grab the sexiest DPS, Sam the stoutest tank especially as he’s the one who has read into the classes and strats beforehand, and Cas would ask what to do and be given the healer role because the other two in this scenario would know better about the game and sort of lump it onto him like, oh, we need a healer and you can do this.

(In my own gaming journey, this is what my friends and brother did to me, as they needed a healer to round out their party... I took druid because it was spoopy, and discovered in WoW that while you can’t change classes you can pay gold to respec your character’s role within that class... Promptly re-specced to a melee dps/tank feral druid instead of the healer one, and had a lot more fun :D)

In FFXIV you can take all the classes on your character (which I have done, natch) and it’s a much more interesting levelling approach, especially seeing how my friends playing the game have gone when it comes to taking classes as they level and why they claim to have tried and then rejected others. It’s an enormous personality test, even for peeps like me and my brother who have all the classes up at max level, which ones we prioritised and which ones we sort of struggled with or found a bit meh.

Hm so in the scenario that Charlie comes bursting into the Bunker demanding that she needs some friends for dungeons and raids and they’re all sitting on their asses scrolling the internet between a case, they can bloody well play final fantasy with her for a bit, let’s go for some headcanons :D Long because FFXIV has become my current obsession and I have the same in-depth feels about it as I do about SPN but I just never get to write about them with anyone...

First off, Sam of course has deep nerdery about it and will ask Charlie a ton of questions about what the right class to play is and do the same thing as we’ve already discussed and go for Paladin (which starts as gladiator), and also take all the crafting and gathering side classes because he’s a nerd and you learn nonsense lore while doing it. He’s also in the same starting zone as Thaumaturge which transitions to Black Mage and I BET he’d be tempted to have a little safe witch!Sam emotional release on the most un-Sam class. It’s the big unwieldy spell caster whose literal class quests and stuff make fun of how you’re small and squishy and will be standing in a very bad spot debating whether to finish a long-cast spell and get hit or stop DPS and run for safety. I think he could do with the perspective and learning to be selfish either way to blow off steam from tanking and also learn to prioritise himself IRL :’D Also the paladin quest is WEIRDLY pro-cop from 30 onwards for some reason until the writers saw sense and just. stopped. doing paladin stuff and went back to the Gladiator storyline for the class quests, so idk if he’d enjoy that or start to question other things. Whatever it is he’s getting challenged XD

At 60 he grabs Gunbreaker because it sounds more cool and is thankfully way less emotionally stressful tanking as it’s entirely about being a badass bodyguard and sick flips. This is far more aspirational for Sam, especially as he could just tie a knife to a sawn off shotgun and do these moves for real in his day job. He won’t, but like with black mage, the thought that he COULD is very emotionally satisfying to him.

He might also have decided to check out scholar to see how healing is but idk if he would be able to handle Dean teasing him for having a fairy follow him around so he’d only dabble with the nerd class on the side :P

Now, Dean can’t take ninja until level 10 or machinist (gun shooty DPS class) until 50, so his start point as DPS would either be pugilist (eeeey brass knuckle class!) or the other DPS classes to start with are Thaumaturge/Black Mage, Arcanist/Summoner, Archer or Lancer. Now. He’d probably think the first two are sissy because magic is for girls/arcanists literally only have a book as a weapon. Archer becomes bard and I think is ultimately a place he’d be very happy as it is a very supportive class to the whole party and basically the mom friend class. But I would love if he went lancer/dragoon because the level 50 class weapon is (folklore inspired name) “Gae Bolg” and every time I equip it I can’t help giggling at the name even though I know it’s a real thing and I shouldn’t. But. Like. It’s the class about waving enormous lances around. It’s got Implications, and Dean is drawn to those.

He’d probably, however, take rogue/ninja as soon as he could because stabbing things with knives, and the class trainer is the kinda guy who’d have wild gay tension with him while they both try to boast about women to each other, were they to meet irl. Ironically, the rogue trainer (a womanising charmer) and the ninja trainer (an intense, honourable guy bad at social cues even among his own people who ends up falling from grace and choosing to stay in the vicinity of said rogue trainer) are an interesting pair of NPCs to teach Dean about where to stick knives. :)

He’d go back and power-level dragoon once he starts Heavensward though, because Aymeric is also super intense with messy dark hair and big blue eyes that see right through you. :D He’s getting that gae bolg for him, you know?

If they’re going to bully Cas to be their healer, he’d probably get really dedicated to the discipline especially as he can stay up all night to play and doesn’t need to take breaks to pee so he’d probably level conjurer/white mage (nature healing) and scholar (ancient book lore with a class quest which mixes ancient curses on a whole people, family drama and a bit of interspeciesish love) and then also pick up astrologian, which is good because it’s spooky star and making your own fate magic. The storyline for that is garbage in the sense that it’s really weakly written, but my favourite character randomly picks up AST in the latest expansion, and has an absolutely fucking wild subtextual romance with another character, including SPN level adopting of a random child who matches Jack in many respects, with said character. And in many respects emotionally they’re Cas and Dean but without any of the personal baggage between them specifically so they really are just chill and married, whatever else they’re stressed about (I say, dreading the next patch is going to finally bring up some questions about what is going on with them as it’s getting weirdly conspicuous while still utterly unsaid). So I would hope if Cas started projecting onto an astrologian character it would be him :P

Cas also would get into summoner as the other branch of scholar because honestly those two classes are about as close to the random sigil drawing and reading things from books etc analogy to his own occult magic, except you can summon cool dragons and elementals to fight for you.

they’d buy Jack a boost to 60 and he’d pick up dark knight and white mage probably just to subtly fuck with Dean

(I am still not over Dean trying to test him to see if he was evil or not by whether he chose devil or angel cake)

#Asks #ffxiv #pfft #I'm sorry #I'm like #in the rabbit hole #I'm so in deep in the rabbit hole I've memorised all the lore #I did every quest #I am as forensic about it as I am about SPN but it's all just in my head!!#AAAH why is the fandom for this game small and uninterested in talking about subtext!#[edit to add: if you know where the fandom I'm seeking is and it's on reddit #I'm not going there and you can't pay me to for all the thancred headcanons in eorzea]

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ot7-hoes · 5 years

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henlo¡ i've recently found your works and they are amazing, i hope you guys can write more in the future and become bigger since everyone deserves to read your stuff. i'd like to request a ANGST one shot (it can be with either jk or jm, or with... whoever you want tbh) with chubby! reader, i feel like that minority is left out in the ff world and even if im not chubby myself i want to read different stuff and understand different feelings. hope you guys can take me into account! love you lots💜

A/N: Hey Sweetie! Dezzy here. Thank you so much for making this request. We loved working on it and love talking to you! I hope you like it!

Planning: Sunnie, Bunny, Dezzy

Writer: Dezzy

Word Count: 1837

Spring had always been your favorite time of year. The flowers blossoming, the beautiful weather, it was all so wonderful to you. For the first time in a while, your idol boyfriend, Park Jimin, was on a break, which meant he spent every second with you. You loved how caring and clingy he was, always being a cuddly person yourself. He loved showing you off and telling people about your relationship, which made you uncomfortable sometimes, but he was just proud to be yours. You were a little on the chubbier side, so you were very self conscious and insecure and mainly wore clothes that covered your body, making sure not to embarrass him by your appearance.

Today, however, you felt great. You wore a flowy sundress with a light cardigan. The weather was gorgeous so you decided to get out of the house and do a little shopping at the outdoor mall. Hand in hand, you and Jimin had scoured the racks to find summer clothes for the both of you, finding a bunch of things that looked amazing. You decided to take a little shopping break and get some ice cream in a little shop. You sit by the window, enjoying the view as you eat, making small talk as you people watch. “Aw, look at that couple. They’re so cute.” You say, pointing at a couple wearing matching light blue sweaters. “Yeah, well, we’re cuter.” He smiles at you, making you blush.

“Excuse me, miss.” You turn your head to see an adorable little boy looking brightly at you. “Hi, sweetie. Can I help you with anything?” You ask softly. “Can I feel the baby in your tummy?” He asks, and your heart sinks. Your face visually drops, but you put on a small smile, still trying to be sweet to the kid. “I’m sorry, sweetie, but there’s no baby in there.” You reply softly. “Kwongwoo! I’m so sorry, ma'am. He doesn’t have any manners.” The mother rushes over, grabbing the little boy by his arm. “It’s okay, don’t worry.” You smile, hiding your hurt. She pulls him away, and Jimin gives you a sad look, but you brush it off, not wanting to ruin the day with your insecurity. You can see the woman kneel to talk to the boy, trying to keep her voice down, but it doesn’t work.

“Darling, you can’t ask women if they’re pregnant. Some women are just a little more…” She trails off, hoping he gets the message. Apparently, he does. “Fat!” He says, proud that he finished her sentence, but sending a dagger through your heart. Your fake smile fades, and you set your bowl of ice cream down on the table. “I think I’m done.” You say, looking out the window. “Baby, you only eat half of it though.” Jimin whines, but you shake your head in protest. “I’m not hungry anymore.” You say, pulling your cardigan tighter around your body. He nods in understanding, leaving it at that.

“Ooh, let’s go in here. It looks cute.” He says, wrapping his arm around your shoulders and guiding you towards a small boutique. “Jimin, I kinda just wanna go home.” You admit, not wanting to be in public anymore. “Just a few more stops. Please? I’d really love to spend my day out with my love.” He begs, pressing a kiss to your temple. “Alright.” You sigh in defeat, remembering that you can’t let your low self esteem ruin his day. He guides you into the shop, you standing back as he searches through the racks. “This would look so cute on you!” He says, grabbing a flowy flower print tank top. It is cute, but you know your arms wouldn’t look good in it. “I don’t know.” You say, looking away from it. He holds onto it, intent on purchasing it. He looks through the pants too, finding some cute high waisted shorts. “These are perfect! And they’d go great with the tank top.” He says, holding them up. All you can think about is the way your legs and all your cellulite would ruin the look. You say nothing, and he pouts a bit.

“Excuse me, ma'am?” He says, and you watch as he calls over one of the employees. “Can I get your opinion on something?” He asks her. “Jimin, please don’t.” You beg, not wanting to draw attention. “Yes, how can I help you?” She asks, and you just hide behind Jimin. “Don’t you think these would look amazing on my beautiful girlfriend?” He asks. “Oh definitely. She’s gorgeous, she could pull off anything. That dress you’re wearing is super cute, miss.” She says, and you peak out from behind his shoulder, seeing the genuine smile on her face. “T-Thank you.” You say softly. She helps Jimin check out the clothes and you’re on your way to one more store he’s been dying to take you to, full of beautiful gowns.

“Jimin, don’t you think these are all a bit too flashy for me?” You ask, looking around at all the dresses. “No way. Just like that lady said, you look amazing in anything.” He smiles, taking your hand in his as he looks around. He gasps and turns to you, smiling. “Baby, close your eyes. I want this to be a surprise.” He says with the biggest grin on his face. You shake your head softly, but do as he says, closing your eyes until he tells you to open them, the dress he chose already paid for and in a bag. “Alright. We can go home now.” He says, still smiling.

Once you get home, he brings all the shopping bags to the bedroom, calling you in there. “Now, can you please try this on? I think it’s gonna look gorgeous.” He says, holding the bag from the dress shop. You nod, and he leaves the room, leaving you alone. You pull the dress out, and it’s incredible. It was a light pink color with a ruffle top, spaghetti straps, a long skirt, with soft lace on the torso. It’s beautiful, but you’re afraid to try it on. No, you have to. He wants you to. You nod in determination as you strip your clothes off.

The dress is beautiful. You absolutely adore it. There’s one main thing you don’t love though, the way you look in it. It shows too much skin for your liking, the waistband squeezing at your love handles. You make it look lumpy, and you can’t help but tear up. It’s such a gorgeous dress you’re ashamed that you make it look terrible. It was probably expensive too. You hate wasting Jimin’s money. Maybe you can return it. The little tear drops turn into you fully sobbing as you sit down on the edge of the bed. “Baby, is everything alr- Sweetheart.” Jimin pushes the door open, rushing over you. “What’s wrong?” He asks, kneeling before you and wiping your tears. “It-its the dress.” You sob, completely breaking down.

“What about the dress, my love? What’s wrong with it? It looks amazing.” He cooes, trying his best to calm you down. “It is amazing, but I make it look horrible.” You sob, holding your face in your hands. “No you don’t. If anything, you make it look even better.” He assures you, his voice calming you down just a bit. “No I don’t. My fat arms are just on display now, you can clearly see my muffin top, my thighs are stretching out the top of the skirt. It just, doesn’t look right on me.” You tell him, not crying as much anymore but still upset. He cups your cheek, rubbing the tears away while giving you a sad smile. “Come here. I wanna show you something.”

He grabs you by your hands and gently pulls you up off the bed, guiding you to stand in front of the mirror, his toned chest pressed against your back. You see your reflection, but turn your head to avoid seeing it. “Baby, please look.” He begs, hugging you around your waist. You cave, looking in the mirror and tearing up again at the sight of you. “No no, sweetheart. Please don’t cry.” He says, reaching up and wiping your tears again before placing small kisses on your bare shoulders. “You wanna know what I see when I look in this mirror?” He asks. You nod, his chin resting on your shoulder, his hands slowly and gently running over your body.

“When I look in this mirror, I see the love of my life, the most beautiful woman in the world. Maybe not the definition of beauty to everyone else, but absolutely perfect in every single way to me. I see my girl, that looks amazing in any outfit, has the cutest smile, the sexiest curves. You give the best hugs too, you know? It’s like, with you, I can hug you as tight as I want, and I’m not afraid to break you like those toothpick hostesses on TV. I can squeeze you and kiss you and cuddle you as much as I want and I’m not afraid.” He tells you the last part while squeezing you tight, peppering kisses all over your cheek, making you giggle. “And that laugh, God that laugh is music to my ears. Y/N, do you remember when I was struggling with image issues and an eating disorder?” He asks, the memory of it breaking your heart. “Do you remember what you told me back then?”

“That you were much more than your appearance and your health is more important that your looks.” You recall. “And that you loved my cheeks being chubby because you could poke them a lot.” He chuckles. “Yeah, I remember.” You giggle, relaxing a bit. He turns you around to face him, still holding you around your waist as he brings his hand up, wiping away the rest of your tears. “Y/N, you are so much more than what’s on the outside. You’re beautiful inside and out, and I couldn’t think of a better woman for me. I just want you to see the perfect woman I see.” He says, placing a small kiss on your forehead.

Now, your tears aren’t sad, but happy. “Someday, hopefully. It’s gonna take time though.” You smirk, but he just smiles back. “Well then, I’m gonna do whatever I can to move the process along. That dress really does look amazing on you.” He tells you, looking over your body. You look back in the mirror, your newfound confidence from his sweet words making you realize you do look incredible in it. “Now, how about you take it off and get into some comfy clothes so we can have a little movie night.” He suggests. This man really does know you so well. You nod in agreement, grabbing some comfy PJ’s and changing into them before joining him on the couch for a comfy night in with the man of your dreams.

#bts #bts imagine #bts smut #kpop smut #park jimin #jimin #bts jimin #angst fic #fluff #bts fluff

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joannalannister · 6 years

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Ok I'm sorry I'm asking a lot of questions. Do you think Jaime has a stronger feminine side/is more in touch with his feminine side then most guys in westeros due to his hella close relationship with cersei? And if so, how does it manifest itself in his thoughts/feelings/actions/beliefs? Also, do you think Jaime thinks about women in general differently then other men due to his relationship with cersei? (Btw I've also sent a similar q to queenaly to see what she has to say - is that ok?)

I thought about this for a few days, and I guess I’m not sure what it means for Jaime to be “in touch with his feminine side”? What is a feminine side, exactly?

For example, when Jaime and Cersei switched places as children, Jaime might have picked up a few skills that are considered more “traditionally feminine” like sewing – but Tyrion knows how to sew as well, and he specifically says he enjoys needlework, so could we also say that Tyrion is also more in touch with his feminine side? And Jaime occasionally dressed in Cersei’s clothes as a child, but Samwell was also dressed in women’s clothing as a child, so does that make him more “in touch with his feminine side”?

So I guess I don’t think it has to do with activities or clothing. But I don’t know if the conventional definition of being “in touch with his feminine side” has to do with those things?

I’m literally gonna go google “in touch with his feminine side meaning” because I don’t know how else to approach this?

OK top result on google: “6 Ways To Get In Touch With Your Feminine Side.” This is how it starts:

Everyone has feminine and masculine qualities that define who they are. Your masculine side gets expressed when you’re working toward a goal, making progress, getting things done, and pushing forward.

Ok, wow, y’all should see my face rn reading this is sexist bullshit. I didn’t know that getting shit done was considered masculine.

Google Result #2: “In Touch With His Feminine Side -TV Tropes”

A character who is In Touch With His Feminine Side, also known as a Tomgirl or Janegirl, is a male who lacks certain stereotypically male traits and may adopt some stereotypically girlish traits. Such characters are sometimes referred to as being “sensitive.”

Ok, this is slightly more useful. TV Tropes goes on to list a number of traits, so let’s see if those apply to Jaime:

Lack of athleticism - nope, not Jaime.

Lack of aggression - ohhhh boy, definitely not Jaime

An Open, Emotional Personality - No? Jaime’s rather emotionally guarded? It took him ~16 years to open up about killing Aerys.

Typically (traditionally) feminine interests - No. Jaime likes “swords and dogs and horses”. He “thirsts for battle”

Effeminate or Non-Masculine Appearance - No. “This is what a king should look like.”

“To qualify a character must have a large percentage of these traits and/or have their effeminate-ness be remarked on in-universe“ - No.

Imma say no, not in touch with his feminine side by this definition.

But I think this feminine side/masculine side thing is kinda BS to begin with

(women aren’t athletic? Catelyn Stark wasn’t ready to murder people with her bare hands on behalf of her family? Women have a monopoly on emotions now? See, this is BS)

so let’s try a slightly different question:

Compared to the average male, does Jaime have a better understanding of the female experience in Westeros, given his incestuous relationship with his twin sister?

I think not.

(Honestly, text format can never accommodate my sweeping hand gestures while answering questions.)

Take it away, Cersei:

“Yet even so, when Jaime was given his first sword, there was none for me. ‘What do I get?’ I remember asking. We were so much alike, I could never understand why they treated us so differently. Jaime learned to fight with sword and lance and mace, while I was taught to smile and sing and please. He was heir to Casterly Rock, while I was to be sold to some stranger like a horse, to be ridden whenever my new owner liked, beaten whenever he liked, and cast aside in time for a younger filly. Jaime’s lot was to be glory and power, while mine was birth and moonblood.“

“But you were queen of all the Seven Kingdoms,” Sansa said.

“When it comes to swords, a queen is only a woman after all.”

Westeros systemically denies women their humanity. Even a queen is worth so much less to Westeros.

I don’t think Jaime could ever understand what it was like for Cersei to have her body commodified and sexualized since childhood, to be wedded off without any say at all, to be raped as often as Robert liked, whenever he liked, without any recourse at all.

I don’t think Cersei ever shared or expressed these things to Jaime, either. For example, I don’t think Cersei ever told Jaime how Robert would hurt her: “Never on the face before. Jaime would have killed him, even if it meant his own life.” If Robert had hit Cersei in an obvious place that wasn’t covered up by clothes, one that Jaime could see, Jaime would have flown into a murderous rage. So Cersei has to hide that shit.

(I guess this is an unpopular opinion, but I think Cersei is very guarded, even around Jaime? Like, I don’t think she confides everything to him. She never told him about the valonqar, she didn’t tell him about Robert’s abuse, she didn’t want to tell Jaime about Rhaegar as a child when she was drawing that picture. And same goes for Jaime - Jaime didn’t tell Cersei about the wildfire / killing Aerys. Even in his own POV, Jaime leaves so much unsaid to Cersei / says it only to us. How close are Jaime and Cersei, really?)

(God, I sound like an anti! Sorry! But my love for Cersei and Jaime derives from the tragedy of their relationship. Their misconceptions. The ways they hurt each other. The intensity of their love and hate. Their mutually-assured destruction. Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold….)

Also. There’s this passage in AFFC, and it has one of my favorite lines:

“I took her on Raymun Darry’s bed after stepping over Robert. If His Grace had woken I would have killed him there and then. He would not have been the first king to die upon my sword … but you know that story, don’t you?” He slashed at a tree branch, shearing it in half. “As I was fucking her, Cersei cried, ‘I want.’ I thought that she meant me, but it was the Stark girl that she wanted, maimed or dead.” The things I do for love. “It was only by chance that Stark’s own men found the girl before me. If I had come on her first …”

“As I was fucking her, Cersei cried, ’I want.’

Jaime thinks he understands, he thinks Cersei wanted something as simple as one dead child.

I don’t think he understands at all.

Cersei’s wants are so deep, so vast, that she doesn’t even have the words to articulate them. “I want _______.”

Cersei wants everything, she wants it all, everything that’s been denied to her.

And Jaime’s had all these things. They all came so easily to him that he valued them very little.

“You were Robert’s queen. And yet you won’t be mine.”

I really don’t think Jaime understands at all.

(If anyone understands what it’s like to be Cersei, and what a precarious position she’s in, I think that’s Tyrion. Cersei was denied, because she is a woman. Tyrion is denied because he is not able bodied. Like, there’s this quote of Tyrion’s in AGOT:

“Tyrion wondered what it would be like to have a twin, and decided that he would rather not know. Bad enough to face himself in a looking glass every day. Another him was a thought too dreadful to contemplate.”

That’s one reason why Cersei and Tyrion hate each other. They’re twins, in a way. It’s hard enough for each to face himself/herself. Cersei and Tyrion facing each other … “too dreadful to contemplate.”)

So how does Jaime’s complete lack of understanding of the female experience manifest itself?

In really gross ways tbh:

Sansa Stark, that ought to put a smile on Tyrion’s face. He remembered how happy his brother had been with his little crofter’s daughter … for a fortnight.

When Jaime hears that Tyrion has married Sansa, he thinks nothing about how Sansa was a hostage, married off into the family who murdered her father. He thinks nothing about a little girl, not yet 13 years old, being forced into a relationship where she must always be available for sexual intercourse with a member of the family who murdered her father.

Literally all Jaime’s think of is, “Way to go, bro!”

Sure, in very obvious cases of rape, Jaime is against it. For example, he wants to protect Rhaella from her husband, because he could hear her crying out. Jaime’s not 100% awful.

But it didn’t really bother him that Sansa could have been raped on her wedding night.

And now he wants to smash Cersei’s teeth in, because she’s slept with other people. He’s mad at her, because she hasn’t been faithful, without understanding that Cersei never had the luxury of being faithful to Jaime.

Jaime’s misogynistic. He’s not as bad as someone like Randyll Tarly, but that’s setting the bar pretty damn low.

So I’m sorry, I don’t think this was the answer you wanted.

You said you also sent this question to @goodqueenaly? She writes much better things than I do, so maybe she can give you a better answer?

#rape tw #liashara-river #replies #nina might be able to give you a better answer here #cuz i think i was stuck a lot on the premise #jaime x cersei #jaime lannister #cersei lannister #jaime meta

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lesbianslovebts · 3 years

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🌈 🤗🎶🗺🐕💣

🌈: most to least Not Straight in your opinion

I answered this in depth on another ask! (Disclaimer: I'm not Seriously Speculating about their gender/sexuality, but I am a nonbinary lesbian, and I do Pick Up On Things.) In summary: Yoongi since he's implied that he's bi, Jimin, Jungkook, Namjoon, Hoseok, Taehyung, Seokjin.

🤗: if you could spend the whole day with a member who would it be and what would you do?

Nope, I can't decide! A brief rundown of what I'd most like to do with each one!

Namjoon: Talk. Literally just talk in a mix of Korean and English. 열심히 하고있는데 용서해주세요!

Seokjin: Play board games together and then watch him play video games.

Yoongi: Watch him work and then cook together.

Hoseok: Tell him how much I admire and love him and give him compliments that he immediately shoots down because he can't take a fucking compliment. 😩

Jimin: Make out. Cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. Kiss him on the lips maybe once.

Taehyung: Go to the art museum!!!

Jungkook: Draw together. (I draw his pretty face.)

🎶: what's your favorite song at the moment?

At the moment...Sea comes to mind. My favorite lyrics of all time are from that song: 희망이 있는 곳엔 반드시 시련이 있네. Where there is hope, there are trials. 希望のあるところにはいつも試練があるよね。

It's beautiful in any language. 😢

🗺: where are you from? have they ever been there?

I am from a small city (about 10,000 people) in Minnesota. They have never been here, sadly. The only thing we have in Minnesota that would be of interest to them is the Mall of America, and I fantasize about showing them around the mall ahdhdhakdifhdj. I even dreamed one time that I was shoe shopping with them, and they asked if I wanted to look in the women's section. I was like??? My guys??? I am a butch dyke, I wear men's boots. But then Jimin was like, "meee." I tried to get him to try on a pair of pumps he was looking at longingly, but he was too shy. 😔 Oh, but my mom and I did drive 8 hours to Chicago for a concert, though!

🐕: choose a bts dog

I choose the newest dog on the block, Bam. He is literally Jungkook's dogsona down to the goofy smile and chain collar. 🥺

💣: we are bulletproof 1 or 2

I don't think I've ever heard pt 1 until now, so I just watched a lyric video on YouTube. And then I listened to pt 2 and The Eternal while watching the respective MVs. To answer the question, pt 2. But of the three, definitely The Eternal. Also, I think I deserve financial compensation for being forced to witness why-yes-i-am-very-cis-and-very-het Jimin in the pt 2 video and listening to The Eternal when I am not in a good headspace. 😭

#bts #ask game #llbtsanswer #llbtspost

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ellyzsx · 5 years

Text

Story time

Suicidal thoughts run keen through my head. Driving through Krakow country side I saw a housing estate next to lovely tall trees - forest like - and thought what a lovely area to be able to play as children. Then I wondered which is the tallest tree could I hang myself from? No former context, no sadness, just my empty emotions triggering my brain to tell myself I should be dead. This is how my life is now.

I dream most days and nights of my life ending in disasters. Lachesism. I say I'm scared of when lorrys drive to close or fast past me. But I'm scared for the moments when they don't kill me. People point out that I drive recklessly because they are afraid of the end; I'm not afraid. Driving that way feels like freedom, my chance to escape, even with intent to cause self harm.

I don't want a grave stone, I don't want my ashes to be spread. I want my organs donated and the rest burnt. The ashes can be used in cooking because I am one spicy mother fucker! Joking!! Don't worry, I really just want them turned in to jewelry so I can still shine while I'm gone.

The ironic thing about my situation is that I want to die to end my suffocating thoughts but at the same time I still have little bits of me that knows some of my self worth. Contradictory as it may be, I probably laugh and smile everyday without a doubt but my thoughts of disaster never leave. I work and study hard but I'm still occasionally believe I am a failure in my mind; like I'm always worse than everyone in the room. I love people and helping out everyone, but I think everyone hates me and would be better off not having me around. It's complicated in my mind.

I feel on the road to recovery, I can admit that I'm not okay when I don't feel okay, I know the past history that has gotten me to how I am and I'm seeking help; 3rd increase dose of Anti-depressants, Cognative Behavioural Therapy and many other forms of help I can get. I have supportive friends and family, I'm very lucky that I have my dream career job and I get to go on amazing holidays like just travelling in Poland for the past weekend. I just don't know what it is that drives myself hatrid other than... well myself.

It's a viscious cycle that I can't get escape. I'm motivated and feeling fine one day, something goes wrong very easily that affects me for weeks and then I find a little bit of motivation to build myself back up and it happens again... and again... and again. I try and count my blessings but in order to do that I draw Venn diagrams to see the wrong, okay and right things in my life. It's an occasional thing and the amount of varience I get each time seems like a uncoordinating joke. But It gives me a sense of assurance when things are okay or right for a few weeks in a row.

I've been taught many coping mechanisms in my past 4 years of anxiety and depression. Even writing them down in this form feels weirdly like a strategy. I'm explaining my dark and ugly, following my long journey ahead, and explaining what works for me. Even if one person gains usefulness then this is all worth it.

As we are on the topic of helpfulness: I like being helpful - it gives me a purpose other than selfish motives. If I've been helpful to one person and not to the rest of the crowd I feel like a failure. I desire to be the famous hero who didn't do it for fame but for the sheer enjoyment of people liking them and for a purpose in other people's lives. So I try to help - I volunteer at my local explorer scout group, I help raise and organise charity events, I help and support friends and family. I even try to go the extra mile at work to raise awareness of women in engineering to help inspire and shape them little girls to be the change our industry needs. I also help educate teams on mental well-being and illnesses with in the work place to bring the awareness to here and now.

All positive were written there, but the underlying negative abuse I hurl at myself for everything I've not been enough help on or not doing at all hurts:

"I'm not helpful I'm just in the way, I'm pathetic, I'm a waste of space, they don't need me, they'd be better off without me, it's not working you're a failure, you are making it more worse, stop trying you aren't a good person for doing it."

Just as them thoughts constantly pass through my mind another extreme example from this evening I write on - I was on the train back from Birmingham walking through derby station, I had the thought that I could run away on any train go ahead and not look back and when I'm on the train I can take every single tablet I own and swallow it to die. Or i could come back another night with a home made bomb and make sure I'm in a carraige with no people in it. Why not die? Make it a dramatic escape. Even in the last few typed words I had the thought of jumping in front of a train which would take no effort and only affect 1 person's life than my own. Why do I have these thoughts? Am I a physco path planning my death at every opportunity?

Reading back the first few paragraphs I see how contradicting my thought patterns are. Living with Anxiety and Depression for me is being followed by a voice, it knowing all my insicurities and how to use them against me. It gets to a point where it's the loudest voice in a room, that I can't hear anything else. I don't remember a time when it wasn't like this, when the voices didn't make me feel empty and alone inside. What's even worse is a lot of the people I have opened my heart to have let me down, causing me to shut down further.

My past history is not brilliant, I never felt secure with my friends, I was harassed in college and I've always struggled to maintain my apperance. I've been through some tough break ups of friends and partners and my relationships with family has not always been stable. One thing I find hard is to love myself and know myself worth when the people around you don't like you and tell you that you aren't good enough. But through all this at the same time I've had some amazing times.

I do want to be happy. I just feel useless most days. I try not to complain but the grass isn't always greener and I feel in constant mud. It sounds pathetic but I feel like I'm in a rut. At the moment everything is fine with friends and work. It I don't feel important. I don't feel as if there is any worth to my day's. I get up, go to work, and then do nothing until I get home and sleep. I mean sure I go to netball, dance, yoga and I volunteer at a scout group but it doesn't feel like I'm doing any of it for myself and I'm slowly giving up on trying to please those around me.

But I guess I do it for the hope of my future, for the one, for the wedding, for the kids, for the house, for the lazy Sunday morning lie ins with the loved ones. It's all a fantasy.

Tonight at explorers we were doing first aid training and one scenario was that one of the boys had a cut on his wrist and he was bleeding out. Through those discussions I was thinking how I could slit my wrists and drown in the bath and no one would be able to put me in the recovery position. Another perfect idea but inconveniencing whomever finds me. It doesn't sicken me thinking of myself this way. Maybe it's how I'm meant to be.

My mum tells me I should think positive thoughts but it's like an urge to plan how I should die. Another disaster I saw was a crash this morning. I wish I was in the place of the other person.

Not paying attention to lectures is becoming a really bad habit. I still haven't started writing for my digital assignment which is due in 5 days! But I have decided I would like to end up working for the Naval group in Adelaide Australia! I finally have an aim!! It feels good and when I travel there next year I will get to see if it's what I desire!

Another person has just unfriended me on Snapchat? What the hell have I done wrong now? I'm getting sick of being made out to be the bad guy all of the time :/ And now Facebook!! All for shutting him down over complaining that people can't be themselves or get offended. I've had enough of this work force, it literally is a battle every week just to keep peace. I don't want to listen to your political opinion every 2 minutes I'm sorry but I'm here to work. The ignorance of some people.

Do you know what I'm going to work my arse off and start this assignment today and prepare the manufacturing question to prove to the haters that they only make me more powerful :) oh the contrast in these paragraphs is funny.

This afternoon I spoke to my mum on how all my emotional trauma started. She understands now and it feels like a relief to be honest. I've just been to netball and I feel like I've played really well!

I have decided on a main goal within my career! Naval group Adalaide Australia! (Not long term but a few years in Australia won't do me harm in my life time! Now I've explored the majority of Europe it's time to step in to the big leagues!) Naval group design submarines for the Australian Navy and with my career path I hope that I will have the opportunity to be able to try and apply for a job there some day in the next 15 years! Now I just need to maintain motivation.

What to do when motivation is running low in the future:

• Find the worth of what you are doing

• research and re-inspire!

• be powerful enough to overcome the ruts!

• believe in yourself - you are capable!

• remove any distractions

I just read a quote that said 'don't worry darling this is just a chapter, not your whole story' and I thought well it's a fucking long one! I'm sat drinking mocha staring outside of a uni window in a corridor I look so depressed it's funny! I just needed to get away from the noise and the stress. I only want to talk to one person but he doesn't know that and it's starting to stress me out but it's my own fault for falling for him when he told me not to. On the plus side I definitely want a nice view in my house when i move to Aussie! I mean looking outside to wet britain it's really nice but sunny aus will be tonnes better!

I'm stressed, my brain hurts and I'm tired. I really want this assignment gone. I'm physically in pain from yoga and I'm exhausted :( moan moan moan moan I'm even pissing myself off. I could do with a power nap or somewhere comfortable to sit. I also miss my earphones :(

Just met a lovely man and had a chinwag it was distracting but it's nice to get to know people without it being depressing all the time!

I was in a one night stand with a 28 year old in a 7 year relationship. Put myself on tinder.

I'm tired of people they never fail to disappoint me

Netball is good though! Proper enjoyed chatting with everyone! Good stress relief and even though I haven't done much it took my mind off the crap earlier.

It's been a while

It's working

I feel ok

I'm no longer a mess

I can stop these thoughts

I counter act them

Not everyone hates me

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