alright i no longer wish to be autistic wheres my receipt i would like to return the autism thanks

AAAAAAAAAAAAA

Me @ me: STOP taking everything so personally you little shit,

Am I the asshole for not saying No outright?

My bf and I just got up, and as usual ate breakfast together by ourselves (both headsets on and different YT videos). He finished his first toast and asked me if he could show me something. I asked "does it have to be now?", because I honestly was annoyed and tired and just wanted to eat (didn't say that part out loud because tired). He said "I just remembered it" and looked like a happy child. So I said "fine, go on then".

Then he showed me a video and after it was done I immediately turned back to my video - But he wanted to tell me something about that, and how the story continued. I rolled my eyes and then he got angry that I could have just said "No" if I didn't want to see it.

I proceeded to get pissed off and defensive, explaining I have problems saying No (Rejection sensitive dysphoria), that I tried with asking "does it have to be now" and that it's just like the other days when he is tired in the morning because morning grouchy and says I shouldn't take his mood personally.

Because he is a morning grouch and because I felt grouchy I didn't want to say No outright, and he said that explanation doesn't make sense because I often say no to him in the morning. I proceeded to ask if it's when I am going to the bathroom - because I have IBS and yes, don't ask me something while I'm on my way to the bathroom. You will only get a no and won't have time to answer because I am gone - and that this is clearly not the same situation.

Then we kinda got stuck in a loop of me feeling attacked for asking instead of saying No outright and of him feeling Scapegoated for my bad mood.

I know my emotions can be too extreme sometimes, so I am really not sure. AITA? Is he the asshole? Are we both stupid assholes?

What are these acronyms?

Vent post; not a vague against anyone currently mutuals or following me

I don't know how much clearer I can be.

It's 2024. Almost everyone in the rpc should be fucking adults. Since 2020, my rejection sensitive dysphoria has been triggered more times than I can count from people I really genuinely thought were my friends, and it just got triggered again, and I truly, sincerely, do not know what I have done to deserve it.

If we interact frequently OOC, I will consider us friends. If you are nice to me, I am nice to you. My first instinct, always, is to be kind, because I have been bullied most of my life, and I just... I'm so tired of living in a world where people are not kind. I want to be a safe space for others. I want people to like me.

Asking for an explanation and offering to fix whatever went wrong is not guilt tripping. It's my opening the doors of communication hoping for reciprocation. I do not deserve the panic attacks, the constant crying or the suicidal ideation that comes with this stupid RSD that comes with my stupid fucking brain. I did not ask to be born. I did not ask to have ADHD or autism. I am just here, trying to make the best of it, and all I ask for is some respect in return.

Please. I am begging, for the last time, if I ever say or do anything that hurt you, PLEASE talk to me. 99% of the time, I won't even realize I hurt you. One sided resentment is unfair, especially if I am left in the dark.

Hey Sam!

Thank you for sharing about your journey with your adult diagnosis of inattentive type ADHD. It led me to understand and (for the moment) self diagnose myself with the same thing (my brother says he might have the same thing too!).

I can't remember if you speak about experiencing it, but for me Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria especially was a revelation, and explains SO much of the intense cringe and people pleasing drive I experience. So does the lack of full awareness of my body moving through an environment.

Like you, I think I've done well in school (and then grad school) because of a possibly high intelligence level - it was never NOT a struggle to meet deadlines etc.

Unlike you though, I don't have a job that matches my background, and being unemployed thru COVID did a real number on my finances. I'm back living with my parents. And while my mom agreed that I have a real bad memory and didn't finish things I start, she didn't agree that I have ADHD. I realise that's because I hid so much from the world about my struggles with focusing and TCBing, not to mention my imaginary fantasies (always preferrable to real life). I was so desperate to appear 'normal'.

I'm in my 40s now, and single, and I'm... angry.

I wonder how different I and my life might've been if I'd been diagnosed earlier. If I were a boy and had hyperactivity, I probably would've been diagnosed immediately. I got good grades and went to a good university and got a good job (well, at least until COVID) and so it just seemed to everyone that I had it together.

Don’t get me wrong. I'm not ungrateful for my life and its opportunities, but it's heartbreaking to realise I've spent half my life not living up to my full potential - and even worse, just hating on myself the whole time! Believing my mom and thinking I was just lazy.

I was not the person I could've been if I'd been performing at max through my 20s and 30s. I did not live the life I was meant to live - the life I could've lived.

At least now, because of you, I've had a total paradigm shift, and am undoing decades of self-hate.

Thank you Sam. You changed my life because you chose to share yours.

Hey, I’m glad I could help! Even if (for both of us) it’s a bit of a mixed blessing. 

I haven’t spoken much about RSD, I think because it’s the part I have the most trouble accepting I might be dealing with; I’ve posted a bit about it here and I just...really don’t love it conceptually and I don’t at all like my attitude towards it. I wish I could say I’m processing it but I’m mostly ignoring it, for now. Perhaps eventually. 

I’m sorry you’ve had such rotten employment fortune recently; it’s rough to have to move back in with your parents when you don’t want to, especially when the disability aspect is as fraught as it is for you (and for me as well). Hopefully you and your brother can find some common ground and be a bit of a support for each other, but I know how sibling relationships can go too. For what it’s worth, while my work is very suited to my disposition and some of my training, I actually went to school for theatre arts -- giving up a career in theatre was a real rough process, and I still feel bad about it sometimes. I’m grateful for the education I got and the experiences I had, and I do love the job I have now, so I try not to feel as though I wasted my college education and graduate school time on it, but every once in a while I wince when I think of it. 

I think it’s extremely natural to be angry; a lot of people I’ve read about and know personally, who’ve had later diagnoses, feel the same as you do. I think I’m fortunate in that sense that I don’t feel angrier -- or perhaps I will eventually, someday. Tough to know if it’s acceptance or denial, which is funny given they’re on opposite sides of the tired old five-stages trope. In any case, the anger I have is very old and I’ve dealt with it a long time. Could life have been different if I’d had more attention earlier in my education, would I have made different choices if I’d had more information and support? Perhaps. But I already knew that; the unfairness of my childhood was already pretty plain to me, and I’ve done my best to deal with and accept that. Which is helpful when you’re faced with a reiteration of it, as it were. 

But I’m also glad that you feel like things are shifting, that you’re able to start unpicking the unfairness of a late diagnosis and the justifiable anger you feel around it. It’s the attitude to have, for sure, the idea of undoing the self-hate. Keep on at that, concern yourself with yourself, and let the anger at others be a byproduct of the work, something you know you’ll eventually shed. (Even if that’s tough to do when you’re living with them.) Good luck -- and keep at it!

Okay, I'm gonna rant a bit again about love, queerness and *drum roll* kinks.

Just a little heads up: I'm bisexual and to the surprise of literally no one kinky. I'm also demiromantic/lovepunk and I've struggled my entire life (and I'm still struggling) with romantic connections, relationships, dating and also friendship.

I've only dated one (1) guy, he was pretty kinky too and with him I've experienced various sub drops. With him I was a sub, a little bit bratty sometimes but since I was completely inexperienced it was more natural to just be a sub. Point is, I've never received aftercare. Like, ever.

And sex is one of my special interests since when I was maybe 14 (we're talking about 2013 guys, eleven years ago), so I know damn well what aftercare is, how important it is and how hard a drop can hit you and how damaging it can be. And yet I've never asked for it. I've never said "hey, maybe hug me a bit after you slapped me?" Maybe because I have a pretty bad rejection sensitivity dysphoria, maybe because I didn't know how to, maybe because he was just a dickhead and not exactly a Dom.

Anyway, the sub drops hit me like a fucking train and I'm still facing the consequences a year later.

Now, about the queerness part.

I've experienced some kind of drop with platonic friends too, but almost never with queer friends. Don't know why, don't know if I'm just a lucky bastard, but my queer best friends always make sure I'm comfortable, whatever we are doing. From choosing a place to eat, to the time we're leaving, to my social battery, to literally everything.

They give me time and space to choose and when I'm too overwhelmed they choose for me and still make sure I'm okay with their choice.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post, I probably just wanted to say be kinky, be queer, be free and loving but also check on the people you love, they need it even if they don't say so. And don't be fucking afraid to hug each others, friends or partners or whatever, hug the people you love for fuck's sake!!

(only exception: if they ask you to not hug them, but in a rant about kinks and queerness I think I'm gonna assume all parts involved are consenting)

((consent needs a rant on its own but I'm too tired to not write a mess))

I've been feeling so alone...

I have no in person friends.

I'm afraid to meet people because masking is exhausting and when I'm in a safe space I cry for hours.

I'm so tired...

But every time I sleep I have nightmares of my abusive parent.

I want to move more and exercise...

But I'm so drained from lack of sleep I become dizzy and nap in the day and have aches all over my body. Especially my joints. Idk what to do.

Any gentle suggestions?

Autistic,adhd,cptsd,pda,executive dysfunction, anxiety, depression, rejection sensitive dysphoria, ocd, bpd, BP, hypervigalence, derealization+depersonalization.😒😮‍💨😔☹️😟🥺😥😢😖😣😩😫😤😭💔

HAS:THERAPIST+PSYCHIATRIST

I am so tired y'all.

My brother apparently told my mom that I mentioned that my coming out to get didn't go nearly as well as when I came out to him the other day. This isn't his fault, I didn't think to ask him not to tell her but I really should have considering she's almost certainly where I get my rejection sensitive dysphoria from.

First I got a text from her saying my brother had told her and expressing confusion since she thought the conversation "went about as well as it realistically could have." Honestly I don't disagree. Knowing her, it literally went almost word for word how I expected it based on past conversations and conflicts. But that didn't mean it didn't still hurt when her attempts to be supportive made me feel invalidated and alone.

I took an hour or so to calm down and get my thoughts together. Then I wrote a long message apologizing for hurting her and explaining why I felt that way. I was so careful to use my "when you said this... I felt this..." statements, to make it clear that I knew some of these feelings were not rooted in insecurity or fear instead of reality, while also admitting that while I knew she was trying to support me I did not feel supported. I repeatedly told her she did nothing wrong and I wasn't mad at her, just disappointed that she didn't feel the way I had hoped she would while acknowledging that we're both valid to feel how we do.

I really thought that would be the end but I should have known better. I got back a massive essay of defensive backlash that I really should have expected explaining why everything I said was wrong and not at all what she was trying to do (despite me having already said with each point that I logically knew those were not her intentions, just how I felt when they happened). She says I was hiding her and assuming I knew why she did everything she did and that I should have known better than to feel like I needed to comfort her in that moment since she's a grown woman who doesn't need her kid to manage her emotions (as though I haven't been her personal therapist since I was seven years old).

She told me I make her feel like I'm ashamed of her, that I judge her, and think less of her because of her beliefs.

What do I say when that's completely true? How can I not be ashamed when the woman who taught me to treat others how I want to be treated and to stand up for the oppressed tells me herself that she doesn't see anything wrong with genocide and ethnic cleansing bc "if you don't kill them all the next generation will attack you when they grow up" and "they brought it upon themselves by not leaving and tolerating Hamas." How can I not think less of her when the person who taught me to always look into the sources and keep an open mind to new evidence refuses to do the same and calls me elitist and brainwashed when I share someone I learned

hi katy :)) i’m sure you’ve answered this before, and if you have, you can totally just ignore this ask, but recently i’ve been wondering if i have adhd. i’m a 20 year old woman, and i’ve been diagnosed with anxiety for basically my whole adolescence. in the past few weeks though i’ve learned a lot more about adhd/neurodivergence and i feel like it’s much more accurate to my experience. my only real exposure to adhd is my little brother, who has been diagnosed since he was 12 and behaves VERY differently than i do. if you could possibly detail your experience with adhd as a woman that would really help me out a lot in deciding if i want to pursue a new diagnosis. thanks in advance!!

Hi there!

ADHD/autism/neurodiversity in general can be experienced a lot of different ways by people; it's a very broad spectrum, but there are definitely traits that pop up again and again for a lot of people. Here are some traits I have personally identified as being influenced/driven by my ADHD (or autism, sometimes it's hard to distinguish the two)

Very poor impulse control, especially with money and food

Having poor memory in some areas but excellent memory in others (usually due to how strongly the topic interests me)

Having trouble remembering things (as in appointments, important dates, etc)

Having a very hard time focusing or maintaining focus

Easily distracted

Fidgets often (my fidgets are picking through my split ends and jiggling my ankle)

Needing to take frequent breaks when working/doing chores/etc due to burnout

Needing CONSTANT stimulation; for example, much of my free time is spent listening to Youtube video essays while I color manga, typeset, scan things, etc. Sometimes I do just watch things (especially late at night when I'm tired), but I don't think I could ever do a menial task without having some other stimulation for my brain

Talking to myself

Info-dumping

Being amazing at multi-tasking (but struggling with single-tasking because of the whole "need more stimulation" thing)

Hyper-fixating on things to the point of not realizing I'm thirsty, have a crick in neck, etc

I daydream frequently and have an entire daydream universe (called a paracosm) full of my own OCs and storylines. I'm what's called an immersive daydreamer. Immersive daydreaming/maladaptive daydreaming is its own thing, but from what I've heard people who do it are often also neurodivergent. If you daydream a lot about a fictional universe(s) of your own creation, I would highly recommend looking into this topic.

My brain literally never shuts the fuck up. Ever. I'm constantly thinking about SOMETHING. Even when I'm trying to fall asleep I'm playing with my OCs and paracosm, lol (one of my favorite parts of the day tbh). Because of this I've suffered from insomnia for much of my life. I've been on a sedative that also functions as an antidepressant for many years and it's helped a lot.

I literally just learned that this has a name: Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). People with ADHD are often highly sensitive to criticism and rejection (real or imagined). For my entire life I have been extremely sensitive to being criticized, and all this time it has been a side-effect of my ADHD!

When given a task, I need to be told exactly what to do and how to do it or else it's not getting done. In general I have a hard time "thinking outside the box" and can be pretty oblivious.

Executive dysfunction is a bitch. This also overlaps with depression and autism, but basically I have a literal mountain of projects and hobbies I want do and another literal mountain of shows/anime/movies I want to watch but I can't get past the mental hurdle of actually engaging with them. It's very hard to explain, but it's like even though I want to do them I either don't have the energy, get overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, start doing it and then lose focus/motivation partway through, etc.

That's all I could think of off the top of my head but I'm sure there's more. I feel like every week I discover there's a new way ADHD is impacting my life. Please let me know if you have any other questions!

I can't believe I had to hear stupid criticism of these things in review videos of season 3, but I'm out here willing to defend my homies to the death and giving my own two cents on things

I'm somewhat okay with Sarcastic Chorus, but his criticism of the "hero doubting themself trope" pissed me off so goddamn much. I know it's not specifically canon that Luz is ADHD, but I literally relate in every way with her symptoms. That includes something that's known as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). It's not Luz doubting herself in terms of normal sort of doubt, it's not that she believes she can't do it or deal with things, or doesn't think she's strong enough. She is deathly afraid of her friends abandoning her because of something outside of her control. Just because of a little mistake, she thinks the whole world is going to fall apart because of her. And this extreme reaction to something outside of her control is a pretty common reaction in those with ADHD and to those who experience RSD. She wants to punish and she actively blames herself for things like that because of the way she's been judged so harshly due to being different. This self criticism comes from other people blaming us as children, from calling us lazy to punishing us for causing trouble because we weren't accommodated properly. It is so normal for children with ADHD to grow up being traumatized by the world. This is shown both in her mother, Camila and somewhat within Eda. Camila shows symptoms of inattentive ADHD, while Eda shows symptoms of hyperactive ADHD. And they both have trauma. So they definitely have different ways of reacting to that trauma, Camila being protective and Eda repressing a lot of the things that make her different. Luz's experience is so real and common, and people ignoring that and writing it off as a trope, boils my damn blood. Maybe don't act like it isn't realistic, just because you don't experience it.

The other thing is that it is SO WEIRD people hate Willow?? Like man, I didn't think she was a boring character at all. I guess y'all just don't understand feeling insecure and learning to glow up and be more confident. Willow is far from my favourite character, but people doing her fucking dirty in the review videos. Willow has had a character arc of being a doormat to being a badass plant witch. And that comes with being the therapist friend and repressing all that shit inside. Having to deal with everyone else's bullshit and being the sensitive person she is, she wants to help. And she couldn't accept people back into her life because of the way she was mistreated. She was tired of letting people walk all over her, and was super cool for eventually getting boundaries. Willow's character arc is small in comparison to others, but she deserves more credit for being a damn cool and relatable character. I can't believe people called her boring, just because she's a side character. I like her a lot, and there's nothing that any of you motherfucking reviewers can do to change my mind. Willow doesn't deserve the criticism, she's a well-rounded and complex character, actually.

I can't really remember much else, just more so how it's weird people have viewed things in their reviews. I'm definitely confused. Like,, it feels like people are upset because some things just weren't written for them or they just made a weird reach for something.

Anyway, I'm glad most people like this show regardless. Reblog if you agree or wanna add your own thoughts!!!!!

*deep breath*

So, here's the thing.

I used to write like breathing. Like something that both felt utterly natural and utterly necessary to survival.

I announced as a precocious seven year old, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, that I wanted to be a world-famous author "like Roald Dahl".

(There's an entire digression into how poorly his work has aged and the debatability of his fame, and that's not even touching on the mess that is the current sanitisation of his works and both the erasure of authorial intent and control AND the blatant money-grab by the publishers, not to mention the tone-deafness of the edits AND the fact that an old dead white dude's stuff is getting rehashed instead of highlighting new authors and stories... but that's not what this post is about.)

(This post might be full of similar run-on sentences; I'd apologise, but it'd be an empty gesture given that I'm pretty sure it'll happen again, and saying sorry is meant to mean that you're not going to commit the same act again, and, well... *gestures at this entire parenthetical* we can see how likely that is.)

So yes. At one point, and for a significant portion of my childhood and teen years, I fully intended to make good on that pronouncement. Moreover, I thought it would be easy to do so.

Writing certainly felt easy, and was something I both loved doing and felt compelled to do.

And then it was not.

I've told friends and friendly colleagues who've asked in the past why I stopped, that I am afraid, and could trace that fear back to a single class in university.

It's glib, but not entirely untrue.

It was a Creative Writing class, and we had a guest lecturer - a professional editor from the traditional publishing industry, talking about the realities of said industry and day-to-day work for editors like them.

It was insightful and illuminating, and some of the class left the lecture invigorated and excited to overcome the obstacles to becoming a successfully published author.

But I remember feeling my dreams shrivel and wither, as though they were delicate mosses blasted by sudden heat or sunlight.

Because I was suddenly confronted with the reality that my dream wouldn't be easy and might never come true - and that I would be just one of hundreds of others like me, lost in a crowd, not special or notable.

I had been a big fish in a little pond for so long, writing as easily as breathing, stories bubbling up inside and exciting me as I spilled them out onto the page.

And suddenly I knew that I was no longer that big fish. Suddenly, I knew I would likely face countless rounds of rejection and indifference, even ridicule, for the stories I wanted to tell.

I didn't have sufficient self-esteem or confidence to withstand the imagined scorn. In the span of just 40 minutes, I imagined everything that might be said of my writing, assumed it all to be true and warranted... And just like that, I no longer found writing as easy as breathing, and in fact was struggling to breathe as well.

(All this was probably exacerbated by undiagnosed autism and accompanying rejection sensitivity dysphoria, but since I'm still undiagnosed I can only offer that to my past self as hypothesis rather than known fact.)

I've tried, at various times, to recapture the old joy and excitement of storytelling. TTRPGs have helped - one glorious hybrid LARP with a heavy (and unplanned by the poor STs) online RP component certainly did the most to reignite the passion to write. Between myself and one friend, we wrote over 20,000 words back and forth in the span of 48 hours, which I then took and turned into over 30,000 words of fleshed out description and narrative that still holds up after 5+ years.

But each time, the fear crowds back in, smothering the fires of creativity, suffocating the flow of stories, and I sit there once more, staring at a blank page and gasping.

And I'm tired of letting the fear win.

So I'm going to try something. It'll take time, far longer than any of my childhood writing projects. It may go unfinished for years, possibly unfinished full-stop (though I am certainly going to try my best to finish).

Because for the first time in a long time, I can feel a story bubbling up, itching to be told. Multiple stories in fact, so many little stories woven into a full and whole cloth to become something greater. An anthology stitched together by a meta story behind it.

And all of those stories, instead of shrivelling or withering, seem to be waiting patiently - not delicate mosses, but hardy fungi flourishing secretly in the dark, waiting for a chance to burst forth.

And I'm reminded that the fruiting body of a fungus, marshmallow-soft, can punch through concrete when it finally comes time to sprout forth.

So. I might not breathe stories like air any more... But perhaps I can cultivate them like mushrooms.

This blog is the embodiment of that hope. It's a promise to myself to at least TRY.

I am slowly regulating.

It helps to talk with my friends and share memes or cute things with them.

Had a rough morning.

I hate it when all the feelings bubble up while I'm in such intense pain... and I know INTELLECTUALLY what I need to do but I need the whole fucking world to shut up for a few minutes or maybe a million years.

I hate that I get so overstimulated. I hate that I used to just "hold it together" until I couldn't - instead of just feeling what I feel. I hate that I couldn't tell some SUPER ANNOYING GUY today to just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP GIVING ME UNSOLICITED ADVICE ABOUT MY PAIN, FLAT TIRE, AND OTHER ISSUES.

I got a lot of stuff moved around and sorted I think. Life is okay - I have a lot going for me.

Chronic pain is so stupid. It really fucks up everything.

My RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) is driving me up the wall.

I hate feeling like a loser. and unwanted. and dumb. and crazy. and unattractive. and unseemly. And everything my brain is telling me that I am because I can't handle other people seeing me vulnerable like this.

I hate that I just can't be cool and accept real rejection.

So I just create all the rejections in my head and protect myself before I can get hurt again.

Because being hurt sucks. It sucks. It sucks. I can't get hurt again. I just can't. Even though I know it will happen. I know that I'm keeping people in my life who won't intentionally hurt me. I know that hurt will happen anyway.

I'm so upset that my parents hurt me. I'm so upset that my ex-spouse hurt me. I hate them all. I hate all the exes who hurt me just to feel better about themselves. I hate how they put me down. I hate how they couldn't be gentle with me about my transness. I hate that people couldn't be honest with me. I hate that people couldn't leave when they realized they WERE FUCKING BENEATH ME.

THEY'RE ALL FUCKING BENEATH ME AND HERE I AM FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF BECAUSE I THINK I'M SCUM WHEN I KNOW I'M JUST HAVING CHRONIC PAIN AND HAVING A ROUGH TIME.

Hi! Can I please have a matchup for AOT?

Name- Eiji Age- 18, Height- 5’7” and slim, Gender- demi-boy / non-binary / boy, Pronouns- they / he, Sexuality- the guys, Mbti- INFP

Likes :D

Playing video games (games in general), stickers, dogs/puppies/kittens and other animals, flowers, sweets, long hot showers, cuddling, comfortable silence, feeling protected, sincerity, being wanted/needed, laughing, kisses, hugs (from behind especially omG), listening to music alone (metal/deathcore/pop/punk/alt/rock), giving/receiving gifts, good and smexy pefume/cologne scents, surprises, inside jokes, terms of endearment, pillow forts, assertiveness, sunsets, late night adventures, quiet nights at home, staying up late, good manners, massages, good sense of humour, being competitive, staying inside on rainy days, endless conversations, fun teasing, winning, babysitting/playing with cute kids (it’s my side thing aside from my part-time job haha), decorating and planning for birthdays, making others feel appreciated, amusement/theme/water parks, Halloween, cosplay/costumes, spending time alone.

Dislikes >:O

School/studying (but I do it anyway), deadlines, clinginess, feeling insecure/nervous, being talked over, super crowded places, experiencing gender dysphoria, feeling useless, fake people, awkward silences, arguing, weather that’s too hot, uncleanliness, small talk, being forced to do something I don't wanna do, being forced to spend time with people I don't like, being put under pressure, messes, being around people for too long, getting lost, being late, feeling bored, rejection, spoilers, socks with sandals, swearing too much, having my picture taken, pushovers, toxic masculinity, public speaking, cooking, douchebags, people who are too strict/serious, crying in front of anyone

Other :)

I would say that I’m kind, very empathetic and the type of person that people feel they are able to confide in. You’ll probably see me as quiet before you get to know me, and I am pretty shy to be honest, so it does take a minute for me to open up. But once you get to know me, it's different. Internally, I’m emotional and sensitive but I’m not used to expressing it outwardly, and I think that can cause me to sometimes be mistaken as aloof or unwelcoming from afar. I don’t think I’m very good at hiding my negative feelings around other people– I can be very moody and serious when I’m not mentally well. I just have the most intense and overwhelming emotions EVER, and it’s really difficult, but I just need to feel somewhat understood and given space to deal with the stuff in my head. I tend to have a few close friends, but most of the time I end up sticking with my one fave person. And I don't make friends often, but when I commit to someone, you know it's real and meaningful. You also don't want to get on my bad side. 😀 😑 If I don't like someone, I won't necessarily show It, but I won't exactly make the effort to hide it either. And I don't pretend to like someone if I just don't. Whether I like to get out and do stuff or not depends on the people and everything– but of course I love to have fun! I'm creative and have a lot of ideas for things. Some things I struggle with are: anxiety, feeling insecure, asking for help, perfectionistic tendencies, staying grounded, getting tired/low energy easily, getting side-tracked and getting caught up in my own head. I'm just a silly little ball of intensity and sweetness I guess haha

O and here's a picrew for fun :)

Hi for AOT I match you with Reiner Braun.

Reiner might look super macho and tough but really he’s the biggest softie. When you both meet for the first time, you’re instantly judging him and he’s doing the same to you. It starts off a little rocky but once Reiner starts talking, you start to open up and suddenly the two of you are inseparable. You’re at each other’s beck and call no matter how late it gets. Late night drive? Let’s go. In need of cuddles? Coming right up.

Your first date with Reiner was at an amusement park where Reiner spent a shit ton on one stall because he was determined to win you the giant bear and refused to leave for anything else. Highlight of the night was when you won the round on your first go leaving the giant man stumped and claiming the game was rigged.

Reiner needs someone to lean on occasionally and you need someone to keep you grounded so who more perfect than the simp master. If Reiner ever feels unwell then his first instinct is to call you. He just needs you to come over and be present with him. And when you need Reiner on those bad days, he’s already at your door because he noticed a change in how you text him. He’s very observant like that and it’s what keeps you both grounded together.

- Kiki.

My most abusive ex had bpd. My favorite ex who I am still best friends with and who My husband loves too and who is genuinely one if the kindest creative funniest best people I've ever had the pleasure of being with also has bpd. The way she is stigmatized for her condition is so fucked. She never abused me, in fact I genuinely believe I was emotionally abusive to her bc of my audhd and rejection sensitive dysphoria. I would get angry with her over NOTHING. I would imagine conflict and punish her for it. We have discussed that since then but like. Idk. People think she's dangerous inherently. It's so vile. She has only ever been hurt bc of her neurodivergence. Even by other ppl like me. Thank you for your post and you're 100% right

thank you for sharing all this with me & absolutely, by virtue of the kinds of groups of people i gravitate towards i've spent a lot of time with other people with BPD and all of us act so differently and have different flaws and do different things-- because we are all our own people. and a lot of times what i think causes this miscommunication in terms of genuine activism efforts is a lack of understanding that it can be both-- someone can have BPD and hurt you, someone can have BPD and be your closest loved one. understanding the harmful behaviors a person with BPD may have and understanding the trauma & pain we go through every day needs to coexist because otherwise you have the situation like you described with your best friend. people don't understand why we do the things we do and people assume we all act the same and then create a monolith out of us, one that they demonize.

i'm glad you were able to talk that out with her, by the way, and move forward. it's really important to recognize too that unlike some perceptions held in the mental health community, anyone can be abusive & anyone can be harmful. what keeps you from acting that way is realizing what it is you're doing, communicating, having self awareness, etc.

but people with BPD or any personality disorder for that matter are not inherently abusive. that is bullshit.

sorry for the long response i'm a little tired right now so if the sentences above are repetitive that's why . hope you are doing well

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girlfriend and I broke up today. I didn't really want it, but I'm the one who brought it up bc she didn't seem fully committed, so. that's on me, I guess. I'm tired. so much shit has gone on in my life the past few months, I'm over it. two cats died, several stupid things that happened with friends that made us no longer friends, I discovered (or realized) I experience rejection sensitive dysphoria, and my love language is words of affirmation.

gonna try and be selfish this year. if someone needs me, if someone wants to be in my life, or wants me in theirs, they need to start reaching out first. I love everyone I meet automatically, some more than others. but I can't keep extending myself. I'm brittle, I'm weak, I'm miserable.

I'm the strong friend. I'm the put together friend. the dad friend, the one that makes plans.

I'm tired. 2023, your strong friends are tired of being the strong friends. help give us a break. please.