#i’m not diagnosed with dyslexia but let’s say i have it stop fucking telling people other peoples disabilities
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i want to blow up my coworkers BRAIN
#personal#they are so fucking annoying and can never not have the convo related to them#like one somebody was asking about my hair which relates to my dad#so i’m like yeah cut and dyed it to keep up with my dads care haha#and then they were talking about my last colors brown and red and this coworker who has red got brought in#and then they go into LENGTH about how they needed to bleach their hair after their birds death#they had the bird for like a week too#and then the death of a different pet and was just laying into it during a meeting#which should piss me off more like oh ur gonna steer a conversation about my dads health to ur fucking pets. kys#then rn i got an agressive called and got called a little shit and was going over it with my boss#and was explaining something and said if it’s looks off that might be me i mix up letters sometimes#and this fucker just CHIMES in like dyslexia is bitch! and so is the one for math or whatever the name is#and it’s like one wasn’t even talking to you two separate thing all together three#i’m not diagnosed with dyslexia but let’s say i have it stop fucking telling people other peoples disabilities#like they have done this MUTIPLE times just casually bringing up my autism or other shit and it’s like???? can i help you#stop mentioning this at my fucking work place#like i get ur disabilities are like cool trading cards and shit but any that i do happen to have are real facets of my life that maybe!#i don’t want shared at work!#and even that i could forgive but worst all#this coworker is so annoying. and cringe. walking 2013 mental health post on tumblr#they used to ask me for rides home too without even knowing me and i did it like twice before i had to cut that shit bc they just#started expecting it#anyway i hate them and i have to hear about their sister tried to kill them one more fucking weekend i’m getting touch with said sister to#finish the dam job
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Me and my thots
Read on ao3
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Billy didn’t black out when the first limb clamped onto his side.
He figured he would.
Figured the searing pain would cause his brain to short.
But it didn’t.
He didn’t even drop when the next one hit, chomping into his other side.
He figures the adrenaline was keeping him going.
And probably the other-worldly strength from whatever bits of the creature was left in him.
All he knows is that the final one pierced his chest.
And he didn’t lose consciousness.
Not as he fell.
Not as Max hovered over him.
Not as he heard shouts, and felt hands pressing into his wounds.
He woke with a start.
He shook the dream out of his head, rolling to press both fists into his eyes.
He slid out from under the thick duvet, pulling it up and over the sleeping form of the person next to him.
Like he did every morning.
He scratched his chest, making his way over to their sunny little kitchen, getting the coffee going.
It’s been a while since he’s dreamed about the Mind Flayer.
In his thirty years since that night at the mall, he’s gotten enough therapy to break most of it down, to accept what happened to him, what he was forced without question to do.
He startled as arms slipped around his waist.
“You okay?”
Steve’s voice was sleep groggy, his chin hooked over Billy’s shoulder.
“Yeah, Pretty Boy. I’m alright.”
Steve placed his hand over the faded scar on Billy’s chest, kissing his shoulder blade once.
Billy turned to look at him, taking in the sparse grey hairs Steve liked to complain about, the soft lines near his eyes.
Billy sucked in a gasp of air when he woke, spluttering as his lungs burned.
He was in the hospital, his heart monitor going haywire.
Nurses flooded the room, but Billy paid them no mind, his eyes locking on the big brown ones.
Steve had pushed himself against the wall, giving the nurses room to check him over.
He doesn’t know how long it’s been since the mall, just knows hat Steve’s face looks hurt, old bruises turning yellow and green as they healed.
He was stabilized, and he felt more steady. His breathing still hurt, but he was doing it on his own.
The few nurses made their way out once again.
“Jesus, Hargrove. Scared me half to death.” Steve didn’t sound scared. He sounded relieved. “I was almost asleep and then you took this giant breath, Christ.”
Steve’s hands were shaking as he lowered himself into a plastic chair facing Billy’s bed.
“Sorry.”
Billy’s voice was hoarse, and it hurt to talk.
“How long-?”
“A few weeks.” Then Steve’s face got hurt that same night.
It was odd looking at him.
He looked so young, not the face dream Billy was used to, the face of a grown man.
“Hargrove, you okay?”
And echo of that dream.
And boy did that hurt, the realization that it was a dream.
His idyllic life with Steve.
Nothing but his subconscious. Probably creating something to keep him calm while his body healed in a coma.
“Why you here?” Speaking still burned his throat. He wished he had some water.
Maybe even tea.
Steve usually makes him a nice chamomile tea when he’s sick. Puts some fresh lemon juice and honey in there. They have a lemon tea in the backyard.
He shook himself.
That was just a dream.
“Been worried about you, man.” Steve wasn’t looking at him.
Steve has trouble with eye contact.
Years spent with a father that forced it only to berate Steve for-
What the fuck. His daydream kept bleeding over, giving him all this nonsense about the dream version of Steve he had conjured up.
“Don’t know why.”
Steve looked at him then.
“Really pulled some shit, didn’t I?”
“That doesn’t mean you, you deserve to die, or something. You weren’t in control.”
“Was that night I beat your face in.”
Steve looked away again.
“Water under the bridge.”
Steve once told him he doesn’t know what that expression means, just that he’s heard people use it in situations like this.
“You don’t even know what that means.” Billy couldn’t stop himself.
He just blurted it out.
And Steve gave him a funny look.
Because of course he does. Because this Steve, this real Steve is different than the coma fantasy one Billy conjured up.
“Well, no. But people usually say it like that, don’t they?”
And Billy just stared at him.
And then his vision went hazy around the edges, and he slipped back into darkness.
“Which one?”
Steve was holding up two pairs of swim trunks. Billy was just staring at his ass.
“You know I like those little green ones.”
Steve threw him a look over his shoulder.
“I don’t think the green ones even fit anymore.”
Steve sometimes got self conscious about himself. His thighs had thickened up considerably, his ass getting plumper too. And his belly was soft, doughy, and perfect for squishing.
But the green shorts fit, even though they were tight.
And Billy loved his older body, loved when Steve put on some extra fluff. A chubby Steve meant a happy Steve. And Billy would know.
You learn a lot about a person in thirty-some years.
Steve was dressed now, shouldering a bag.
“Beach time?” His eyes were bright.
“Beach time.”
They held hands as they walked.
The air smelled like ocean spray.
The beach was close to their little house, and they found their usual spot right away, far from any other beach patrons.
“Hargrove!”
Billy came to with a start, back in the cold hospital room, back with a younger Steve.
What the fuck was going on?
“Sorry, you kinda passed out. I thought you were slipping back under, or something.”
Steve looked sheepish.
“It’s fine.”
It wasn’t. Not totally.
Because Billy wanted to live in that fucking daydream for the rest of his goddamn life.
“Sorry, I should let you sleep. I mean you’re probably exhausted.” Steve stood up, gathering the few things he had with him, a water bottle, and empty coffee cup, and a book. An old worn out copy of The Outsiders.
That’s dream Steve’s favorite book. He reads it once every year. He said it was the first book he ever read in class that actually gripped him. The only one he actually took the time to push through his rampant dyslexia to read and understand.
He won’t be diagnosed dyslexic until he’s 23. He’ll feel really vindicated and Billy will take him out for a fancy dinner. They’ll go skinny dipping in the ocean after and Steve will whine the whole time.
Billy hadn’t realized he had been staring at Steve the whole time that all ran through his brain, not until Steve snapped his fingers in front of him.
“Billy!”
“Yeah, what? Sorry.”
“Are you okay? Should I get a nurse?”
“No, I just-” he tried to scrub a hand down his face, found his muscles screamed out at the movement of his muscles after who knows how long in that bed.
It didn’t matter anyway, as his hands were wrapped up in a mitten of bandages.
“Was havin’ a good dream.”
“What was it about?”
Billy couldn’t look at Steve. Couldn’t look at those big brown eyes, couldn’t search for the specks of gold, the streaks of green that he knows are there.
“Future. Dream future, I guess.”
“Do you-” Steve hesitated, and Billy finally looked at him, watched as he reached up to tug on a lock of hair near the crown of his head. A nervous tick he’s had since he was a kid. “Do you wanna share?”
“California. Little house by the beach. Slice of Heaven, really.”
“A wife?”
“Been married for a few years.”
“She pretty?”
“The prettiest.”
Steve smiled at him softly.
“Sorry you had to wake up to me, then.”
And that? That made Billy wanna tear out his own damn hair. Made him wanna pull Steve to lay on top of him the way they both like, pet through Steve’s hair, tell him how goddamn perfect you are, Sugar.
“It’s okay. Prefer your company.”
“I guess I’m alright if the alternative is being alone.”
“Cut that out.”
Steve blinked at him.
“We’ve been talking like, five minutes and all you’ve done is apologize and talk shit on yourself.”
“Sorry, I- it’s just a habit, I guess.” He was back to playing with his hair. Being a little rougher, tugging on the lock between his fingers a bit. Billy sighed as well as he could with his burning lungs.
“Just, I like it that you’re here, okay? I’d tell you to beat it if I wanted you gone.”
And Steve smiled at him.
One of his six real smiles, not one of the eleven fake ones.
Billy can tell.
Because the real ones make his nose scrunch a bit. They make his eyes go bright and his shoulders bunch up.
And he must’ve fallen back into that dream again, because suddenly he was looking at his Steve, his grown up Steve, giving him that exact same real smile as Billy ran wet fingers over his skin.
And he pulled Steve close to him in the shower, mouthing at the skin of his neck.
And if this was a dream, he was going to burn all of this into his memory.
The way Steve’s skin tastes, the way he gasps when Billy nibbles at his ear. The way Billy feels buried deep inside him, in the soft bed that they share, the one that took months to buy because Steve is weirdly picky about bedframes for no discernible reason.
And just as he was watching Steve’s face crumple, as he was trying to memorize the exact noises he makes as he cums, he was jolted out of his dream by the real Steve, fucking sneezing.
“Sorry.” He looked distressed. “You were like, really asleep and I, I tried to hold it back.”
“’S okay. Know you got that dust thing.”
Billy was drowsy. He felt like he was inches underwater, everything moving slowly around him. Almost like the world was a little muffled.
Turns out his last dose of pain meds had been administered while he was out.
“Wait, what dust thing?”
“Got that. You know. You’re allergic to dust. And peanuts. And cashews. And-the green ones.”
“Pistachios?”
“Yeah.”
“How do you know that?”
“You told me. Nearly fuckin’ killed you first time we really made out. I had just eaten a PB and J. Sent you into anaphylaxis.”
Billy felt himself drifting, that perfect dreamland tugging him back.
And then there was a cold hand on his arm, shaking him gently.
“Billy, Billy don’t fall asleep. You gotta, Billy what the fuck? We haven’t made out. We, how do you know what I’m allergic to?”
But Billy was swallowed up by sleep once again.
He was laying next to Steve, stretched out on their bed, Steve’s head resting on his shoulder.
“Today was nice. Haven’t had a day like that in such a long time.”
“We should do it more often, then. Call outta work and hang out at the beach all day.”
Steve rolled a bit to glare playfully at Billy.
“Some of us don’t have the luxury of setting our own hours, Mr. Boss Man.”
“Billy!”
And he was back, back to staring at the pale nervous face of Young Steve.
“Billy, you’re scaring me.”
Sunlight was beginning to haze through the meager window at the end of the hospital room. Billy hadn’t had any idea of time since he got here.
Steve looked like shit, like he hadn’t slept all night.
“Billy, I don’t know if you remember, everything you said before you fell asleep but-”
“I remember.”
Steve furrowed his brows.
“How do you know that? About, about my allergies. And yesterday, you said, you said I didn’t know what water under the bridge meant. And you said, that we m-made out.”
Billy sighed again, his lungs protesting the effort.
“My dream. The future. You’re the person. My person. And now it’s like, whatever Dream Billy knows about Dream Steve I know. And I figured I just, like, made all that shit up.”
Steve was studying his face.
“Okay, then let’s see if you’ve just had some lucky guesses. Tell me what else you know, and maybe it’s all wrong.”
And Billy didn’t really like the way Steve looked like he hoped is was all wrong. Like he didn’t wanna be tied to Billy in this way.
Billy narrowed his eyes.
“When you were fourteen you watched A Streetcar Named Desire with your mom and you credit Marlon Brando as your queer awakening.”
Steve’s eyes went wide, his mouth trembling.
“Your dad has smacked you once in your life, and it’s when you got the rejection letter from Indiana State. You hid the letter from him because you knew he’d be mad, but he found it and hit you and didn’t talk to you for nearly a month.”
Steve’s eyes were shining now.
“Your mom used to always talk about how much she wished you guys could have a better garden, but because it gets so cold here, she can’t grow anything. The house we have in the daydream has like, a huge fucking garden in it, by the way. I hate gardening but you love it.”
Steve stood abruptly, pacing the length of the room in front of Billy’s bed. Billy just kept going.
It was like everything was ready to burst out of him. To prove that he knows Steve, that he loves Steve. Even if this Steve is somehow different to Dream Steve.
“You go fucking batshit over corn on the cob, just with a little butter and salt on there. That’s somehow your favorite food. Because you’re the most Midwesterner to ever Midwestern, I guess. Your second favorite food is your grandmother’s lasagna. You keep trying to recreate her recipe and no matter how much I tell you it’s fucking delicious, you always get this little pout going and explain to me about how it’s not quite right. You only started smoking because-”
“That’s, I think that’s enough.”
Steve looked like a strong gust of wind would knock him right over.
“It true.?”
“It’s, it’s all true. In, in detail. I mean the, the letter, and my dad. I swore I was never gonna tell anyone about that.”
“It took you a few years. We were talking about my dad. How he treated me, and you admitted that. How sometimes you think about that one time and it makes you sad because that was my everyday-” Billy cut himself off.
Because fuck.
He forgot that Steve knows jack fucking all about Billy.
Which means Steve was currently giving him that look, that wide-eyed, nostrils flared, mouth tight look that he always did when he was angry on Billy’s behalf.
It was kinda hot.
“Excuse me?”
“Forgot my apparent psychic abilities were limited to just me knowing about you.”
“Billy, did your dad hit you?”
And Billy kinda saw no point in lying anymore.
“All the damn time.”
And Steve was back to pacing.
“Fuck. Fuck. That honestly, wow that explains a lot. I mean, yeah. I get it now. I get it.”
Billy let him mutter to himself.
Steve always does better thinking out loud.
“You know, I was actually fucking nervous to tell you, but now I don’t care. Your dad was one of the flayed.”
“Yeah, I know. Only person I never felt guilty about.”
“You’re handling this, like, scary well.”
“Technically, I’ve had thirty years of therapy. All this has been processed already.”
“Wait, your little dream is thirty years in the future?”
“About.”
“So we’re, like, fifty?”
“About.”
“How do I look?”
Billy barked a laugh, regretting it almost immediately as his whole body screamed in protest. He wheezed a few times before he felt like he could speak again.
“I think you’re hot, but you don’t handle aging well.”
“Oh, God. What’s the damage?”
“Not telling. You’re just gonna spend the next thirty years stressing more than you already would. But lemme tell you, first time you found a grey hair? That was the funniest day of my damn life. It was like being in a soap opera. You found it and then called our lawyer to begin drawing up a will. And you kept saying how you probably only have a few god years left in you. It was hilarious.”
“Glad to know you laugh at my pain.”
“It’s one grey hair. Plus you maintain good health, don’t worry. You’ve got plenty of time to whine over grey hairs.”
“At least I don’t go bald.”
“Nah. Full head of natural hair. Not even receding.”
Steve brushed a hand through his hair, dropping heavily back into the seat next to Billy’s bed.
“Man, this is too trippy. Like, from my end, we’re not even close, you know? But to you, we’ve been together for decades. That’s fucking wild.”
“Imagine how I feel. Am I some kind of psychic now, or is this all just fucking delusion?”
“I mean, you know too much shit about me for everything to be, like, a figment of your imagination. But what happens now? Like, if we don’t live out the future just like your daydream, is the world gonna fall apart? Or is that an alternate dimension? Like, if the Upside Down exists, there’s gotta be other worlds too. Is that one of them and maybe because you were infected by the Mind Flayer you have like, a link between both worlds?” Steve’s brows were furrowed, his eyes darting all over the ceiling as he thought out loud. “And, I mean, I’m confused. I don’t know what my feelings towards you are. Like, don’t get me wrong, there’s been interest since you showed up. But now you’re telling me in some reality, we’ve been together for thirty years, and obviously you know all this deep shit about me, so do we date? When you know me like the back of your hand and I barely know you at all? And are you technically fifty years old? Since you lived out that other life?”
Billy’s head was starting to hurt, and he felt tired again.
“Sugar, you think we could table this?”
Steve’s cheeks went red as his jaw clacked shut.
“Is that what you call me? Sugar?”
“Call you a lot ‘a stuff.”
“Uh, like, like what?”
“Sugar, Pretty Boy, Stevie, Baby, Sweet Thing, Honey. Mac n’ Steve comes to mind.” Steve smiled softly at the last one, his cheeks still warm. “Princess.” Steve opened his mouth, his brows furrowing, the blush spreading down his neck. “No sense in denying how much you like them. Those are tried and true. Thirty years of calling you all that. Plus a few others. But, you know. Those are mostly reserved for the bedroom.”
Steve’s eyes went huge again.
“Fuck. You probably know what I kinks I have better than I do.”
“Oh, we’ve done some exploring in our time.”
Steve bent forward to bury his face in his hands with an Oh, God.
“I don’t think I wanna know.”
“Trust me when I say, you enjoy most of it.”
“Oh, most. That’s great.”
“There’s some trial and error. But we’re good at laughing stuff off, you and me.”
And then Steve’s eyes went wide, and he sat up straight in his chair.
“Wait, you said. When I first asked about the dream, you said, you said married. We got-I mean, we can get married?”
“Yeah. And we like, make out in public and shit. Hold hands everywhere. We’re big saps.”
Steve took a shaky breath.
“So things get, they get better? For people like us?”
“Yeah, they do,” Billy kept his voice soft, felt like sharing this thread of hope should be kept intimate, quiet. And Steve’s face split into a wide grin.
“God, I can’t fucking wait. Just to be, not to be scared all the time. Of everyone finding out this big fucking secret. It just, is.” Steve huffed a laugh. “Can’t believe it. Two guys getting married. Was our wedding nice?”
“We had two. One in the courthouse, one with everybody.”
“Wow. I just can’t believe it-wait, who;s everybody?”
“Your gang of weirdos. Here.”
And Steve lips parted, and he made that cute little face he always does before he cries.
“They all come? Dustin and the Byers and everyone?”
“Robin officiates. Dustin cries really fuckin’ loudly.”
“And they’re all, they’re all fine with it?”
“Yep.”
“God. It’s all, you think it’s too good to be true?”
“Everything I know about you was right. Don’t see a reason why everything else would be wrong.”
“Then, where do we go from here? Like, do we try to follow your memories? Or, forge our own path? Will the fact that we know about this future automatically change it?”
Billy’s heart was doing something funny as Steve wondered aloud to himself about all this.
The fact that he was all in, dead set on having this happy future with Billy, when he didn’t even know Billy.
“Are you sure about this? If we do this? Or some form of it. I mean, I know fucking everything about you. And you don’t know me at all.”
“I know you well enough to see the good in you. I know you well enough to see that under all your big scary toughness you’re caring. And you’re kind. Although you’d probably rather be dead than admit it. And besides. If, in another reality, or in the future, or whatever, I pick you to spend my life with, obviously that means there’s something in you that makes me love you.”
Billy gawked at him.
His face was hot, no doubt bright fucking red.
Because, holy shit was that a lot.
And even Billy, used to Steve’s passionate little tangents after thirty dream-years worth, was taken aback by how quickly Steve was ready to jump into this.
And all of a sudden, Billy wanted nothing more than to reach out to Steve, to pull him close and kiss him until he couldn’t fucking breathe.
“Harrington, I’m gonna need you to come kiss me right the fuck now.”
And Steve smiled, his most sunshiney happy smile, and the chair legs scraped along the tiled floor as he got up, sitting carefully on the edge of Billy’s bed.
He leaned over him, cupping Billy’s cheek in his hand, and pressing the softest of sugar kisses to his lips.
Billy let his eyes flutter closed, and he put one hand bandaged on Steve’s lap, wanting to grasp at him, to pull him even closer.
But Steve wrapped his other hand as gently as possible around the thick bandages, pulling away slowly, studying Billy’s face.
“I never asked. Is this always how our first kiss went?”
And Billy tried to search his memory, tried to find the sweet first kiss.”
“I-I don’t remember.”
Steve sat back.
“What?”
“Our first kiss, from the memories. I don’t remember. It’s like, when I think of our first kiss, all I can think of is that one just now. The other one is gone.”
An ache settled in Billy’s chest at the prospect, at losing a perfect memory with Steve. Losing their first kiss.
“So, when we do something, it like, replaces the old memory?”
“I guess.”
“So, we can build new ones then. And like, you won’t have to go through your whole life twice. We can start closer to square one. Memories that’ll be ours, and not ones that I don’t know.”
And that’s true.
For the pain of every memory gone is a brand new one, one that Steve would remember and be a part of too.
“Then I’m not telling you anymore. If we’re gonna build the memories together, we can’t be working off of some, some blueprint. Things need to be ours.”
“Agreed. We’ll make it up as we go.” Steve hadn’t stopped smiling at Billy.
“Is it weird I’m gonna kinda miss seeing you all old? You’re a silver fucking fox.”
“Yes, Bill. That’s fucking weird.” Steve took his hand and pressed a kiss on his bandages, right over where his palm will be. “Just means you’ll have to watch me go through it all again, though.”
“God, that’s the hottest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”
“Yeah? That get you going? The thought of me aging?”
“Nah, Pretty Boy. The thought of us aging together.”
“Wow. When you said we’re saps, you really meant it.”
Billy rolled his eyes, sighing as deeply as he could.
“Can it, Harrington. Or I’ll call the nurse and have you escorted out by security.”
“Oh, you wouldn’t. You’d miss me too much.” Steve pressed another kiss to his bandaged hand before sliding off the hospital bed, sitting back in this chair, scooting it as close as possible to the bed. He rested his elbows on the edge of Billy’s bed, and set his chin in his hands. “So, California, huh? When do we head out there?”
“Remember, like, twenty seconds ago when I said I wasn’t gonna say any more?”
Steve pushed his bottom lip out, making his eyes go big as he pouted at Billy.
“That doesn’t work on me anymore, Baby.” That was absolutely a lie. It worked on Billy nearly every time. But what’s he gonna do, reveal his weakness to Steve? Absolutely fucking not.
“C’mon, Bill. Just like, the year.”
“Nope. Not saying a damn thing.”
“Please?” Steve pouted some more.
“So odd to hear you begging outside of the bedroom.” Billy grinned with his tongue between his teeth as Steve dropped his little pouty face, his cheeks going red. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
Steve rolled his eyes. Sailing right past pleading and into petulant.
“Fine. I’ll just rot here until you decide to whisk me away to California. Better make it soon or else I may just die of boredom.”
“Jesus, so fucking dramatic. Didn’t we say we’re gonna make our own memories and shit? You can very well ask me to run away with you.”
“Maybe we should like, go on a date first. So I know you’re not a serial killer before I get in a car with you and drive out of state.”
“You’re so weird.” Steve made a snarky face at him. “But you better be planning our first date. I don’t wanna accidentally repeat the other one. Want us to have our own.”
And Billy felt that overwhelming sense of sadness at losing the memories of the other date, the perfect timid experience. Going to the diner and ordering to go, eating while sitting on the hood of Steve’s car overlooking the quarry, talking for hours and hours.
But he’ll get a new memory. One he’ll cherish just as much, maybe even more, knowing that Steve will cherish the memory too.
“Yeah, okay. I’ll take out. Maybe just metaphorically speaking, as I don’t think you’re in any shape to be going out.”
“Ha ha, Shithead. Just make it nice. You’ve got a lot to live up to.”
Steve rolled his eyes, shaking his head slightly as he sighed dramatically.
“If our whole relationship is just you holding me to the impossibly high standard of alternate reality me, then I want out now.”
“Relax. The standard’s not that high.”
Steve made an indignant squawking sound.
Billy just laughed.
“I’m kidding. Just, you know. I don’t think you’ll have any trouble meeting the standard. I fell for you once. I can do it again.”
And Steve’s face went all soft again, and he curled forward to rest his head on Billy’s arm.
“Thirty years. Always thought I’d end up divorced. People tend to get sick of me.”
“Not me. Never got sick of you, never gonna get sick of you. You’re stuck with me.”
“Then you’re stuck with me too.”
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so this is where it begins
So, Hi I'm Dino (obviously not my real name but I wish it were haha). There is a trigger warning to self-harm, mention of suicide and depression.
I'm 20 and attending university a few of my friends have done some blogs, so I decided this is where I'm going to start.
As a reader, I thought you'd better known I have dyslexia. Hence, it is a big step to write a blog as, usually, I'm not too fond of it (the dreaded writing spelling and grammar NOOO), But here we go.
In my lifetime, I've been through a lot of crap to get to be who I am today( I will probably talk about some of this in other blogs.) Of course, the aftermath of having a lot of crap happen to you is a lot of issues in the future and a lot of trauma.
There is a daily struggle with mental health. Everything is a battle most days I have to drag myself out of bed which is so very hard to do many little tasks that are easier for other like showering I find is a massive task (thanks depression love you too). Most nights I'm up to the early hours of the morning fighting the demons in my head screaming at me to give in and will not shut up until I give in to the blade and feel the sweet relief of pain as I cut myself. The blood flows out of wherever I've cut it from, Even after this it's not the end of the battle, I get a big hit off of the guilt about doing it, so I don't sleep whatsoever so am tired all the time. In the daytime dark thoughts still spinning around my head, monsters breathing down my neck. Throughout the day, they are lingering over me, waiting for me to mess up somehow and then reminding me of this mistake all day.
The night time is when they are the loudest when everyone I could turn to is asleep. Still, I don't want to bother my friends with my shitty problems 'they don't care. "They don't like you' the demons whisper in my ear when I pick up the phone to text someone, To scream out and get help for my head trying to kill me, haunting me dark thoughts taking over my mind full of darkness and nightmares no light left I'm alone with my thoughts so, I give in and let the demons take over like a bring me the horizon quote 'it comes in waves, I close my eyes Hold my breath and let it bury me I'm not okay, and it's not all right '. I'd say night time is like a tight rope your battling to staying it while monsters are trying to push you off watch you fall to your death some people make it, but some fall off. I always cant get the thought of they (The demons) have been there when no one else was. They have never left me like everyone does.....
Its been about eight years since I started cutting I've been self-harming for a while I can't remember exactly when I began, it began as hitting myself hard. , it only developed into cutting in year seven. I was bullied a lot, so this triggered me to start cutting myself. I felt worthless and like I deserved it everyone hated me so I may as well hate myself too. It began to get worse when my best friend I'd known since I was in primary school killed herself. The guilt consumed me whole, and I became a shadow of who I used to be I was no longer that sweet innocent child who had no care in the world. I was a self-destructive monster who wanted nothing less than to hurt me and wanted nothing more than have me dead. (I'm not going into the suicidal thoughts in this one yet maybe in a future blog.) Yet no one knew. I wouldn't show any emotions expect happy I was 'hyper ', but it was all an act to stop the evil thoughts consuming me and not to let anyone worry about me I didn't deserve that. I'd tell myself daily that I deserve the pain that I cause myself.
I tried to get help for the bullying at school, but my school made it worse so from then forward I shut down completely refused to talk to anyone about my depression. I didn't have a pleasant childhood my parents were abusive (again not going into that in this one). I didn't have many friends, so I never felt good about myself. This was all a massive kick at my self-esteem. It was only until year 11 when my games teacher noticed me as always wearing long sleeves in the blistering heat when we were playing rounders.
It was a childcare lesson she took me aside and took me to the school nurse then I'll never forget how my heart dropped when she said "roll your sleeves up" I first refused. She suggested that she'd go outside the room and to show the school nurse to make sure they wasn't infected or anything so I agreed to this. After this miss brown was the most supportive and she'd been. School became a bit easier from then. We started talking more and more each lesson I enjoyed her company.
One of my bullies who I am very close to now, and we talk a lot came up to me and apologized for what she has said to me in the past. I forgave her, and we sat and chatted about things I let her open up, and she had been through a lot of shit as well, and I felt terrible and told her she could talk to me. After this we became friends, and we talk now and then.
At this point, I was still self-harming and being bullied even cyberbullied to the point the police was involved. Another traumatizing event happened during this time I put my trust into the wrong person and regretted it. I still regret it today and hate myself. But we will cover that in another blog.
I did my GCSEs did pretty well, and life was okay even though I was still at home my self-harming was still a thing, That summer my sister found out about it she asked I told her not to tell mum. Guess what she did TOLD MY FUCKING Mum. My mum was in a lousy mood came to me shouted at me to take my jumper off, so I did she saw the cuts and had a go at me took my phone off me and grounded me and more which I'm not going to go into yet. It was horrible of course I cut again and again and felt suicidal she made me feel so worthless and alone.
Starting college for the first time was stressful and made my anxiety so bad. The first year of college was when I began therapy Tamsin was my therapist. She was lovely, helped me a lot. My self-harming didn't stop but reduced a bit whereas before the sweet relief of the blade and saw how much id bleed was most nights. It was like it was part of my routine. Go to school/college get home to wait till everyone is asleep then cut my night away.
Then lie in bed and stare at the ceiling thinking of how worthless I was and how I want to be dead how I wish I could cut deeper and made it worse for myself. This reduced a bit it wasn't every night, but most nights it was rough and never thought it would consume my life as much as it did never thought id still be here struggling with it.
I've cut myself a few times where I think I probably should have gone to the hospital, but I didn't. One of these times was in my next college it was rough as my original college had told me I wasn't good enough, And that I Wouldn't make it, so I moved to a new college. One of the first weeks there I remember cutting very deep and panicking it was a hot day I was at work and had got home and felt stressed over things and cut my arm badly. I wrapped a sock on it was all I had and texted my girlfriend she told me to find my mate I walked into town found my mate we went to the shop got some supplies sat on a bench and patched it up. I knew a paramedic, so I texted them asking them what I should do they told me to put alcohol on it, Once I got in I put some rum into a small glass went upstairs and told my dad I was going for a bath I ran the water got a wet flannel and bit it. At the same time, I cleaned it I screamed into the flannel in pain I put the water on so my parents couldn't hear me I led on the floor after this and cried to myself silently until I was done then I came out so my dad wouldn't think anything of it went back into my room and cried myself to sleep.
The second year of college wasn't too bad. I had a shit therapist who would tell me things that triggered my eating disorder and would make me feel suicidal. I remember going into her appointments feeling okay and come out feeling suicidal. I had good best mates in my life it was okay (I was still cutting through) thankfully. I am always thankful to this day my friends stopped me from going to this therapist as she made things worse I stopped seeing her for a few months if I didn't stop seeing her id be 6 feet under the ground with nothing to me but a skull.
I wasn't in therapy for a few months as I needed a break from it all until my cutting and suicidal feelings got worse, so I decided to get back into therapy with the help of my friend I had this lovely therapist called Sharon she stuck by me and suggested I go to the doctors, so I did. I was put in meds and probably diagnosed with my issues. However, id had them since I was at least eight or nine at least had some of them like anxiety. Things calmed down meds helped me but also affected me badly I got all of the side effects,( so that wasn't fun.) Still, things went pretty smoothly until university applications I was accepted into a good uni on a conditional offer. This all went wrong this was in 3rd year by the way my college fucked up and put me into The inappropriate exams I couldn't do the GCSE due to my mental health my therapist suggested I do not take it I was suicidal and cutting.
So I didn't get into the university I tried to get into another one they rejected me as I was about to give up hope my friend introduced me to clearing, and that's how I got into the university I'm in now.
Self-harm and suicidal thoughts still attack me, and I still struggle with simple things like just staying alive and not cutting. Each year I wonder am I going to make it to the next year or will I kill myself before the year ends its an achievement getting through the year and surviving it.
I have excellent people in my life now. I feel happy with where I am for the first time in my whole life. I've never felt pleased with the way things are going things usually fuck up. I'm pretty sure life will throw another obstacle my way eventually, but I'm sure one day it will get better. Self-harm will be in the past one day, not right now I'm not ready to stop altogether I can't physically do that (sorry). One day my mental illnesses will be manageable without the pain that comes with them now. Years down the line, I can say I WAS a self-harmer instead of I AM a self-harmer. That will be a while I still need to heal my emotional scars and finally be free from the monster that is depression. Depression is a war you either win or you die trying it's the worst beast of them all the strongest beast, but even the biggest worst beast can be beaten. I believe in all of you out there struggling with your depression. Suicidal thoughts depression can be beaten, look at those who have got through it google it many celebrities have depression and won the war in their head. People like Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Ellen DeGeneres and many more.
Depression is the silent killer it waits till your alone( i mean not alone physically; you could be in a room full of people and still feel alone. )
Then it strikes with false things about no one caring about you. But you are so much stronger than you think if you need support, there are people out there who care about you. You may feel alone but don't tell me in the world of billions, and billions of people, not one cares because that's not true I care.
It's okay not to be okay. I look back and see things do get better from the point I am now to the point I was six years ago things have changed, things may not work out to start with, but it will be okay. Still, they will work out one day this darkness your in will be light you won't have to struggle with the beats in your head the silent monsters that grip you with their claws and consume you alive.
So there you go that some of my battle with self-harm I will go into things a bit more in future. I hope you liked it is not the happiest (sorrrryyyyyyyyyyy ). Still, I hope I can inspire you and give you hope that it does get better and things will work out.
You probably have been told this thousand of but here is the Samaritans number they good and living is good once you get past the darkness of depression. You will get through this your strong enough!
Stay strong fighter!
love
Dino xx
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Hey! So I’m suspecting if I got adhd/add but is there any symptom idk. It’s really exp here to get it diagnosed
sorry it took me a while to get back to you because honestly i dont know whats a good alternative for you can be so i guess i can share my own experience?
first of all i think googling symptoms and types of adhd and reading peoples account on how adhd/add manifest is a good start? my doctor and the reddit /r/adhd REALLY help me to accept myself (which is the first step i think) but the way i get diagnosis (i am adhd with predominately inattentiveness - but at the same time i have depressions and dyslexia which is like a killer combo 10/10 would never rec) is that i came across with an article a couple months about how girls with adhd are more likely to be (mis)diagnosed with depression and it basically fucks up multiple generations because they cant get the help they need and i was like wait whats describe in it sounds kind of like me but at the same time i have always been very lethargic and rather well behaved in class growing up i am nothing like what you would typically associate with adhd (you know the hyper-activeness) so during my next visit to the doctor (im getting treatment for my depression) i mention to the article to her and she said wait you know what describe how you feel in a classroom setting growing up and is there anything you do that teachers complain about repeatedly and tell me how studying and doing homework is like to you and so i did (i can go further into details of my life since a lot contributes to why i only get diagnosis when im 21… let me know if you would like to know i guess?)
my doctor (who just so happens to be an adhd specialist and is quite active in the research area i didnt know before then we stan forever i love her really she is so encouraging and so good at her job) took some notes as i was talking and after im done she said you know what i think you might be onto something but i cant be sure yet (since i have depression and dyslexia which both overlaps quite a lot with adhd/add) why dont i first explain to you what adhd is and i’ll give you the set of official diagnosis questions you dont have to do it just take a look at it first do some research organize your thought talk to your parents about it and if you think getting a test on it is something you want we can set up another appointment and we can go from there - which is really really nice because adhd has always been a taboo at least with my upbringing it makes you a loser socially academically and you know just in general its not something you will want to have….
in hind sight there are SO MANY SIGNS even in early childhood how come no one notice i dont know prolly because i grew up in the 00s if you are different you need to kys lmao rip:
trouble paying attention in school or work,
the appearance of not listening - although im an audio learner funny enough
avoidance of activities that require sustained focus,
being easily distracted
restlessness
fidgeting and cant sit properly - i shake my legs or click my pen so much especially when im thinking or anxious lmao, i got into trouble a lot when i was younger because i only sit in my seat facnig the teacher 5 mins max at at ime then i move around or i move the chair around i think better when i cross my legs but i went to a uniform school and i always make my skirt too short so you know
interrupting - if i dont say what comes to mind when it comes to mind, the thought is gone forever
frequent talking and talking way too fast - i get the exact same comment every single report day class from when i was 4 till i graduated high school im not even kidding “she has excellent comprehension skill and reading speed. it would be great if parents can help her out a bit in maths or chemistry. she has a lot of potential if she applies herself, she seems distracted although when we ask her questions she can answer. very helpful and bubbly and yet she talks too much in class. she is not disruptive and her seatmate never complains but she just doesnt stop talking. we have been pairing her up with quiet students in class in the hopes that she will talk less in class but she just turn the quiet student talkative”
trying to do multiple things at once - i cant do one thing at a time, even when im say writing a paper i need to be listening to music or talking to someone if not switching between tabs or word files
mood swings
hyperfocus - oh boy oh boy oh boy
impulsiveness - i dont know if i get better as i age or is it getting worse i just know how to clean up my mess lmaooooo
poor time management - although i would say ever since i start listening to stuff 24/7 it really helps build a sense of the passage of time or whatever? its like now i know ok by the time i get to the third song in the shower i need to be washing out my conditioner; or say i need to go somewhere in 40 mins which is really abstract to me i set timers and put on a show thats 35ish mins even tho im not watching it just so im aware of time is actually happening if it makes sense
fail to follow through - i start things and once i have it figure out in my head i struggle to put it down in words or explain it to others i work well with other adhd peps tho
doesnt follow instruction and only do stuff their way
burnout - this is the worst especially if you are a perfectionist or a control freak and guess who is both
trouble coping with stress -
i luck out because im canadian and my doctor (in my schools clinic) just so happens to be a specialist who is very passionate about helping undergrads and grad school students to achieve as much as they can - so doctor and diagnosis for me is free. i do have to pay for my medications out of my pocket for a bit since im on vyvanse (to treat both my adhd and depression-lead anxiety its complicated but it makes sense when my doctor explained it to me lol) and this drug isnt covered by Pharmacare (CAD $130ish for 3 weeks worth of 30mg, im mostly on 30mg but on days when i dont have work on stuff or go to school i take 20mg just so my anxiety dont cause me to explode lmao) and very expensive but recently my doctor and i have agreed that vyvanse really work for me and it is something that i should be on daily for the foreseeable future we applied for special authorization which means i only gotta pay the tax… of course medicating isnt a must but it is what works for me and we figure out a way to make it affordable so i cant be more happy about that
at the same time i work with my psychiatrist to you know configure the whole adhd thing cause you know 21 years of repressing and forcing your feet into a shoes that not even your size frick you up thats something people dont tell you 🤷🏻♀️
what my doctor said to me then stuck with me - she told me adhd or add really is no monster or flaw in fact it is a very valuable set of traits we inherit from our ancestor - we hate it now because modern society render these skills useless well you see adhd isnt all about the hyperactiveness you see in the media people with adhd are extra sensitive to their surrounding and prefer hands on experiences (today we call them distracted) they are always aware of the change around them and is capable to attend to a couple things at a time and act fast because their brains are always making sense of things even when they arent consciously doing it. in todays society we dont want these kind of people why? because they ask questions they are curious people who notice trivial stuff that dont contribute to productivity they cant sit still which makes them not the ideal factor workers or pupils BUT! you have to remember that industrialization started like a century ish ago before that our ancestors live in predominately tribal society - adhd people then are the perfect caretakers and protectors, why? because they are always noticing things they adapt and react fast… so yeah it kinda suck for us growing up in a system thats designed to be everything we are and it is something that need to be changed but for those of us who “made it out alive” especially people who only get diagnosed in adulthood more often than not they look back and realize they have developed so many incredible ways to cope to make things work - are they always the perfect way? are they always health? no definitely no but at the same time it shows you how incredible these people are they make things work yes things are really hard sometimes but you got to give yourself a pet in the shoulder for not giving up… with the help of science and research we now know a little more about how adhd affect people we now have medication and programs developed to help people with adhd - they arent to dumb you down or numb you but instead it helps you to focus better so you can actually hear your entire thought and not just phrases or sentence fragments
#i rambled but i hope my personal experience give u a slight idea of how adhd/add manifest in others? but like i said medicating is not the#only way i think talking to people with similar experiences is helpful too even tho they might not be able to offer you professional medical#advices not feeling alone or that you are a weirdo is so important people talk a lot of about how poor self image among adhd ppls are common#and i think the social pressure is def one of the things that make it worse#i dont know where you are but if you are still in school#i guess talking to a trusted teacher or like social worker would be a good start they might be able to point you to more local and accessibl#resources.... and i mean you can always talk to me im very new to the whole actively combating adhd and not just cope with it but you know#sometimes you just need someone to hear you rant about stuff and im always here... i might not be able to reply fast since im in my last#semester 😳 and school is killing me lmao but ill try to response as soon as i see it :)))#ask#anon
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The Signs I Know - Sag POV
aries - my 11 year old bro is an aries and we argue like there’s no fuckin tomorrow. he annoys me so fucking much. he gets angry a far bit. very defensive. if i joke around about his appearance or how he does something will jump down my throat and yell. needs to chill out. doesn’t always take a joke. depends on his mood. he LOVES history like holy shit. when he was younger would run around and get into everything. doesn’t really move as much now HAHAH. isn’t interested in sports. sensitive. is awkward? stands weirdly and doesn’t look people in the eye. looks up a lot. plays xbox a lot. changes his interests so much. loves everything to do with world war 1 and 2. freaks me out a bit. wants to be in the army himself. has big fits. can get violent. he also has to have the last fucking word. like even if it’s a grunt or a random nose. does. my. fucking. head. in. IS NOSY ASF. so clingy with my mum. wants a hug all the fucking time. will piss me off then 10 minutes later will come into my room and tell me he loves me. fuck off. i also know this aries guy and he is a massive fuckboy. maybe a good friend but is scum when it comes to a relationship.
taurus - ik two taurus. the first one is so stubborn and is such a fuckin asshole honestly. we dated for like 2 weeks, kill me. he eats so much no joke. goes to the canteen every. fucking. day. he loaded. doesn’t share...... sometimes he does tho. he will go to the canteen and come back with like 3 meat pies 4 sausage rolls a bag of lollies a soda and a chocolate milk and won’t fucking share. most of the time he doesn’t eat all of his food so instead of giving to me or others he throws it at our leo ranga friend HAHAHAH bless him. he’s so uptight. he’s like that homophobe dad. he talks shit so much. and when he gets caught will throw anyone under the bus if if they didn’t do shit just to get himself out of it. jealous. the other taurus ik is a girl and do not like her. she makes me cringe so so so much. she sings 24/7. it’s not like she’s bad it’s just we are in fucking mATHS. jesUS. she said one time that she is a white girl with A BLACK GIRLS BOOTY like wtaf. girl you ain’t shit. it’s also like she mistakes sc as musically. no one wants to see you lip sing to some shitty radio song....... ok ok ok she’s not all bad she is actually quite smart and a good singer just needs to sTop.
gemini - ik quite a biiiit of gemini’s. all the gemini guys ik are HUGE flirts. one of them is one of my best guy friends and honestly has a new girl each week. we get along so fucking easy. is a trouble maker at school with his other guy friends. does the most stupidest and funniest shit they do anything to annoy the teacher in some way. the aries fuckboy is apart of his group. he lets people walk all of him especially if they are a love interest. forgives too easily but will be mad for fucking ages and then forgive them. funny asf. doesn’t do too good at school is dropping out next year. but he is very smart just doesn’t try. i have another gemini bff but she is very possessive in a relationship. will do and drop everyone for her partner. her current realtionship is toxic. both good people buttttt she is too obsessed. she is adorable and get real good grades. very hardworking and tries her best. funny. parties 24/7. alcoholic. serious but not at the same time. reaaal good at writing. said she wanted to be a journalist. says she’s a vegan HHAHAH
cancer - another one of my guy friends is cancer and he is moody asfffff. so many stereotypes in this post HAHAH. but it’s fucking true. he can be such a fucking asshole. cold one minute hit the next. he is like an angry dad. he is cold and doesn’t speak too much. but he’s funny. would fuck. star wars obsessed and does nothing with his life but play xbox. doesn’t care too much about school. found out he likes me tho he doesn’t show it too much. but he has said to me that he hates it when the other guys in our group touch me etc so i guess he’s protective ? he copies other guys style and hair ? literally tried to be this guy at our school until someone called him out on it. reaalll good at guitar.
leo - ik two stone head, beautiful, would fuck leo’s and a ranga leo WHO IS HILARIOUS ASF. bless him too bits. the ranga is also in my group along with the cancer and taurus. he tries to be liked by everyone and does what everyone tells him to do just to be funny. will bully and abuse other people just to be funny and to be liked. he thinks he will be this big youtuber. he honestly changes how he is so much around his ‘friends’ who tell him to do the most stupidest shit just they don’t bully him. he is creative and good at art. doesn’t take his job serious at all. i mean it’s a fast food restaurant. but anyways he doesn’t take it serious. doesn’t get angry too much but when he does it’s scary. talks shit. two faced. pride is easily hurt.
virgo - she is a perfectionist honestly. doesn’t cross out or white out anything bc it will look messy. does drama and music. good at art. real good grades. kind of a serious person ? don’t know her too much.
libra - is the mum of the group like holy shit. an alcoholic mum more like it. will talk to a guy for a week then drop them bc she got bored. gets a lot of guys bet then doesn’t at the same time ? responsible af but parties all the time. so much like a mum. love her but then hate her. no where in between.
scorpio - my mum is a scorp. we argue all the fucking time. will talk for ages at the lady at the cash register. is STUCK IN THE FUCKING PAST. brings up everything from the past can’t get over it. like stfu i don’t want to hear it. real negative. complains all the time. judgement. acts like she does everything in the house. she doesn’t. also acts like my brother and i are 3 and are hard to look after. even tho we do everything she asks to do and practically stay in our rooms all the time. she has no friends. says she doesn’t need them. trust issues. gives out second chances even tho she says she doesn’t. needs to chill tf out. my scorpio guy friend is touchy asf. needs to know what a personal bubble is. judgmental asf. laughs at evrythiiiiing. we talk about people we hate together in maths.
sagittarius - i knooow soo manyyy sags. my dad included and i love him to bits. we hardly fight unlike my bro and mum, still love them thooo. he complains the whole time when going shopping probably the only time where i want to kick his head in. funny asf too bless him. afl fanatic. loves sports. real short. like 5”6. my two bff are sags one is sporty asf and sensitive the other parties all the time is quite distant ? the sporty one is honestly so fucking weird never met someone like her. hard to put her to words. she falls in ‘love’ easily too. well crushes easily. she literally fell in love with a guy at our school who she never talked to b he was real good at guitar. she’s veryyyh sensitive. need to be careful of what i say. she annoys me so fucking much. we argue a lot too. but i love her. the party animal one is adorable and kind of responsible? she’s like scared of getting in trouble and will avoid it at all costs. funny and sarcastic. stone head. plays netball. tried to go vegan. good ass eyebrows. they both do actually.
capricorn - dated 2 of them. both funny. one is now a massive stone head. kind of a drop kick now tbh. the other is so so so funny and sporty asf. real jealous. said he’s loved me since he was in yr 7. he’s a year older. but we’ve hardly ever spoke ? HAHAHAH we’ve had a convo here and there but i hardly know anything about him. would ask me out all time. i finally gave in when i was in yr 8. it could’ve actually lasted longer then it did. he isn’t a bad guy. but me being a sag freaked out and dumped him after 4 days HAHAHHA. he is cringy online. loveesss his lil sister.
aquarius - we talked not dated and i like him so much i even considered if i loved him. ew cringe ik. maybe i’ll do a post just for him ? HAHA i must find out his time of birth 🤔 anywaysss he is weird, like it’s like he tries to weird or different. again cliches ik. watches so much documentaries. can’t swallow pills. belives meat and pills will kill us. thanks to documentaries. said he was a vegan for a day. good at sports. has a job with the leo and takes it seriously. horNY ASF. will ask for nudes even after you say no. just want someone to fuck. funny kind of? Hahha. has like social anxiety. looks depressed all the time. won’t talk to anyone unless you do. but then again he doesn’t look interested the whole time and makes you feel like shit and says he doesn’t care about what you say bc it’s boring him ? but yet tells me borin ass things idc about either but i listen and look interested ? HAHAH KILL ME. doesnt try too much in school unless he has no friends in that class. good at maths. says he doesn’t care all the time. SO FUCKING SENSITIVE AND A CRY BABY
pisces - my bff is a pisces and i love her to bits. we would never admit this to each other tho. she laughs a lot, which i like bc she laughs at everything i say and do. sensitive. popular. social. literally cannot go a week without going somewhere. hates to be by herself. doesnt try at school which pisses me off so much as i’m a try hard who gets straight a’s HAHAH. i often wonder wtf she will do with her life. good at art. creative. good music taste and style. we have the SAME humour. every guy loves her ass. can’t order her own food. has been diagnosed with depression when she was younger. it’s hard for to get things car both question if she has dyslexia. my best guy friend is also a pisces. he is real fucking sensitive. lost a shit ton of weight. i wonder daily if he eats. looks depressed asf. will let you speak. puts up with my questions about life and tries to answer them the best he can. we talk about whatever tbh. found out he likes me. wouldn’t go there. he is like a brother. bless him. used to be a big fucking asshole but has grown up a bit. has random knowledge about random things. on his phone and listening to music all the time. plays the bass. honestly reminds me of dan howell and suga.
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first post. just getting into astrology. well i’ve known about astrology and my chart for about 3 years but only now am i actually ‘delving into it’ ? don’t expect much HAHAH
#sag#sagittarius#aries#taurus#gemini#cancer#leo#virgo#libra#scorpio#capricorn#aquarius#pisces#sagsun#sun#astrology#astronomy#astro
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