#i would rly like to still enjoy doctor who
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i really want to be supportive of new doctor who but i simply do not like it
somewhere in matt smiths era the show started feeling different and i was unsure about it but i ended up LOVING it, and peter capaldis leaned into it in a way that i adored
when i started with jodies i was not active on twitter or anything at all and i had zero expectations. got about five or six episodes in and then simply stopped watching because i wasn't enjoying myself and i didn't want to force myself to watch tv out of loyalty
to prepare for the specials i watched the last ten minutes of her last episode and it was the silliest thing in the WORLD /derogatory, the editing looked choppy and unnecessarily dramatic like it was meant to be carrying the weight of the scene and the writing was stilted and superficial. "i know these teeth" made me laugh and i liked the reference but that was about it
the specials... i rly enjoyed seeing donna, and the characterization isnt bad. but its just so..... lackluster. i liked the ideas and some of the cgi/practical effects were rly cool, but it felt very like. predictable and just not new, like it wasn't going into any new territory it was just regurgitating old doctor who stories. the couple of plot twists they had were extremely obvious imo and had no real stakes to them, like it was just shock value that wasn't actually shocking. even the concept of a doppleganger who adopts your memories which SHOULD be terrifying just wasnt, like something was falling flat
maybe it's because i'm older now, or maybe it's because of nostalgia, but whenever i rewatch doctor who (which is often) i enjoy a good majority of what is being done, and even the bits i don't like are entertaining to watch, but with 13 (who i did not actually watch in her entirety so i don't rly feel comfortable commenting on her arc esp with all the hate she already gets, i like her as a character just not the episodes) and the specials i just don't think i would be watching at all if it weren't for my loyalty to the name and to the actors
#doctor who#rant#doctor who 60th anniversary#wild blue yonder#the star beast#i will be watching the third special and the next season#i know nothing about ncuti gatwa but i have hope that he will change my pov on this#i would rly like to still enjoy doctor who
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hello!! sorry, i just finished watching new who and i am DYING for more thoschei content. i know classic who has more obviously but i heard there are like also books and audio dramas and comics and infinite other stuff (?) and i was wondering if you could recommend like a list of things to stream in order to get to know more of these two idiots (affectionate) as i am a bit lost in between all the content. or if you could point out a source where i can look that up for myself, it would be great as well! thank you so much in advance <3 and sorry if this seems silly i am v new to the fandom rip
hey anon!! no need to apologize, i'm honored this ask ended up in my inbox! :) and it's not silly at all, there's a LOT of stuff out there. which is wonderful! but can def be a bit bewildering, too.
i'd definitely recommend classic who as a place to start! don't feel like you need to go in headfirst w/ s1e1 tho. just jump in wherever interests you! if you'd like a slightly more curated d/m list:
terror of the autons/the mind of evil/the claws of axos: okay, so it was almost impossible for me not to just rec “all the three & delgado eps,” so have the first three & feel free to continue on if you find yourself loving them (you will)
the keeper of traken/logopolis/castrovalva: a proper lil trilogy of stories that gives us four -> five & beevers -> ainley
survival: the final dw ep! seven & ainley 😼
for some not-really-classic but still on-screen essentials:
the tv movie: aka “the enemy within.” eight & roberts 🐍
scream of the shalka: an animated webcast that at one point rly was the canonical ninth doctor. shalka!doctor (r. e. grant) & shalka!master (jacobi. yes, again. or previously, rather.)
the curse of fatal death: a comic relief sketch written by moffat which features a het version of d/m getting together romantically (now why does that sound familiar?)
for audios, here's a couple that are both standalone & very d/m-focused:
master: seven & beevers. a great audio ft. an origin story that is probably one of the most talked abt things on tumblr, so def check this one out!!
the last line: ten & jacobi. when you're on trial, who do you call for help? your best enemy, of course
blood of the time lords: four & dreyfus. a must-include for me personally bc it has one of my fave d/m concepts ever :)
for books, once you're in the deep end all the novelizations of the classic d/m eps can have great tidbits. some original story recs:
the dark path: two & “koschei.” another origin story that gave us that name for a pre-master master, written by our d/m comrade-in-arms david mcintee
harvest of time: three & delgado working together & confronting the past w/ a lovely dose of master angst
the infinity doctors: infinity & the magistrate <3. don't let these names or its timeline placement intimidate you, just go into it with the idea that this is an au (ish) where the doctor & the master both returned to gallifrey & you'll enjoy yourself!
and finally some comics:
flashback: another origin story which i've uploaded here :)
the eleventh doctor year two: the eleventh doctor confronts the time war ft. my fave lil guy the war child master!
doctor who: missy: aka “the master plan.” missy breaks delgado out of stormcage while pretending to be a version of the doctor he hasn't met yet
hopefully these will get you started! for even more, the main resource i use when looking for d/m stuff is the theory timelines for the master & the master's incarnations on the wiki! i just poke around & click links until i find something that sounds interesting! enjoy!!! :)
#doctor x master#dw#for tv: fmoviez.to / for audios: audiobookbay.is / for books: annas-archive.org / for comics: readcomiconline.li#or various drive folders you may find floating around
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how I think different pairings of nuwho companions would get on:
(not including characters who have already met in tv show canon)
engaged to be married:
jack + river: i mean come on. they’re obsessed w each other, they go shopping together, they commit crimes together, and they torment the doctor together
jack + clara: specifically jack and immortal!clara from post-s10. they’re not in like a committed romantic relationship, they just have an intensely romantic friendship, a lot of sex, got drunk married in space vegas, and then just never got a divorce
best friends, literally inseparable:
rose + donna: I KNOW donna would have rose in tears w laughter 24/7. they’d have so much fun and talk so much shit together and the doctor would never know peace again and okay: HEAR ME OUT. If rose fell in love w metacrisis!ten…. I think she also would’ve fallen in love w metacrisis!donna. That’s all
rose + bill: rose at 19 and bill at 19 would be besties, but bill would have a MASSIVE crush on s4 rose <3 they have a lot in common and rose finds bills awkwardness and sense of humor enormously endearing
jack + amy: oh god…. rip rory you will never recover from this
martha + rory: doctor friends!!! logic oriented people who are more aware of the damage the doctor is capable of than some of his other companions!! they get along great in literally every situation you could put them in
martha + clara: i don’t know why but I think they’d be kind of perfect? really good teamwork but also they’d just genuinely enjoy each other’s company. martha knows how to tell clara to chill out w out getting her mad and clara tells martha she can do better any times she mentions ten or mickey
martha + bill: pure vibes. they have a very similar response of bafflement to the doctors bullshit and I just think they would have a great time
river + clara: okay. personally i think mel and clara had a toxic homoerotic whirlwind friendship that ended in disaster and heartbreak and probably some jail time. post-s10 clara and river don’t exactly pick up where they left off but they definitely still adore each other and have a wonderful “human who has been made immortal/given an augmented lifespan by means of gallifreyan technology” trio with jack
river + bill: river is bills adoptive mother/grandmother. end of story. river adores her, is so proud of her, spoils her at every oportunity, and bill thinks she’s the coolest person she’s ever met and can’t believe she’s married to the doctor
casual friendship:
rose + martha: they’re friends! but they come from very different backgrounds and i don’t think they’d actually have much in common
rose + amy: again, they’d be friends but just wouldn’t end up hanging out much! they ALWAYS back each other up in arguments though
rose + rory: I think they’d both find each other really sweet! don’t really have any other thoughts abt them
jack + rory: jack flirts w him, rory pretends to be annoyed but it actually genuinely flattered
jack + bill: bill is entertained by him and they have some wlw/mlm solidarity moments but eh, they never get super close
donna + amy: would rly rly rly enjoy making fun of the doctor together. that’s it
donna + clara: clara would just sit back and watch donna tear into every villain/threat/etc they came across and find it extremely entertaining
donna + bill: they have not stopped laughing since they met
rory + clara: they’re both calmed by each other’s presence in the face of danger! rory knows clara has a plan, clara knows there’s someone around who’s better at making sure no one’s hurt or left behind
respect/functional but not close:
martha + river: they’d work well together if they needed to but they literally could not have less in common
donna + rory: eh! again, not much in common. very different energies
amy + clara: idk why but these two just don’t work well for me in my head? they don’t dislike each other but it’s just kinda like. Yeah ok
indifference:
martha + amy: I think martha would be a little irritated w amy’s lack of planning amidst crisis but otherwise they’d be like. Okay
outright dislike:
rose + clara: idk where to put these two cause: clara would drive s1 rose out of her mind w her control issues, rose with her possessiveness over the doctor, clara would get patronizing and rose would get immature. however s10 clara and s4 rose would be an INCREDIBLE team and it wouldn’t matter how they felt abt each other, they’d solve any and every problem you threw at them
donna + missy: the only reason no one’s dying is because missy finds her entertaining. the verbal sparring would be legendary but donna is way too moral and way too protective over the doctor to not absolutely hate missy
amy + missy: amy is used to rivers chaos so she’s not as stressed out by missy as other companions might be but um. Still definitely not a fan.
rory + missy: he wants absolutely nothing to do with her which includes getting close enough to kill or be killed
*mid fight* are we abt to kiss rn?: 
rose + river: good god can you imagine? i think rose would immediately go for how she acted w sarah jane and river would be flirty in a ?condescending way? but there’d be an underlying tension that everyone else would be terrified to point out
river + missy: enough said.
someone is getting murdered:
rose + missy: absolutely not
martha + missy: after what simm!master did? it’s on sight sorry
jack + missy: i want them to get along so bad but. same issue as the above unfortunately
#i am open to criticism!#and I was very tempted to put rose and clara in the ‘are we abt to kiss rn’ section#also sorry missy you’re just horrible to everyone all the time. if I was putting canon interactions you’d be in bestie zone with bill ok#dw hc#rose tyler#jack harkness#martha jones#donna noble#amelia pond#rory williams#river song#clara oswald#bill potts#missy#doctor who#mios#long post
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to cope with my post-binge blues from watching black sails, i just finished the treasure island audiobook. it's my first time with any treasure island media - now i have to watch the muppets movie. any way here are my thoughts:
- i knew the character of trelawney had to be based on the romantic era edward john trelawny of byron/shelley fame and I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sources: WONG, AMY R. “The Poetics of Talk in Robert Louis Stevenson’s ‘Treasure Island.’" A Sandison Robert Louis Stevenson and the Appearance of Modernism
- i know that black sails isn't fully intended to be a perfect prequel or meant to be taken as filling in all of the gaps to treasure island but i'm still going to compare & contrast the two lol
- billy spending his whole life obsessed with flint and having alcohol withdrawal induced hallucinations about him. OMG. and i'm shocked that they just casually dropped that he visited flint in georgia to get the map like did flint request to see him before he died, was it just about the map, or did he want closure about the whole thing, did billy seek flint out, why didn't they kill each other, how the fuck did that whole thing go? i need more information dammit
- saw another post on here talking about how in black sails flint has that speech about the drunk guy named flint asking his grandpa for rum before disappearing into the sea and then in treasure island we find out flints last words were asking a "darby mcgraw" for rum before he died SO IN THE BLACK SAILS UNIVERSE DARBY IS HIS GRANDPA and so im wondering DID FLINT 1.0 EVER EXIST AT ALL OR WAS IT SIMPLY FORESHADOWING ALL ALONG but at the same time it doesnt matter because the black sails creators said the ending is intentionally canonically up to interpretation and black sails canon and treasure island canon dont match up any way but still it gives us so much to think about bc we never canonically find out who the fuck darby is
- the doctor is the funniest character ever and him giving zero shits about billy or silver is hilarious LMAO
- rly enjoy the descriptions of the contents of billy's pockets and chest. i love old shit and that whole nautical aesthetic ugh. im currently wondering about the significance of the five sea shells billy had (jim wonders abt them too) if they were souvenirs from the island or what... but we never find out!!
- and what the fuck was up with those black spots I NEED ANSWERS! It worked on Billy but not Silver?
- having grown up on PotC i'm very enthused at the references (the song, the rum, "dead mens chest," etc)
- wish we saw more of jims mom, she was lowkey a badass for a moment there telling everyone off and willing to face the wrath of the pirates with her son lol
- love how the men just take jim on for his valour and then decide to make him a cabinboy and the mom just gets a replacement son to help her around the house lmaoooo i wonder if that was a common thing for single women to do though?
- long john silver has a sort of jekyll/hyde personality (btw the author stevenson also wrote jekyll/hyde for those of you who dont know!) - also why the fuck did they leave him to his own devices toward the end and not have a gun on him 24/7 like? i was also shocked that he didnt run off with all the gold only some of it. most chaotic character ever
- my biggest questions are why did black sails take out the alcoholism and the sea shanties? but importantly the alcholism - if they were going for gritty, as they were? flint and billy's alcoholism is integral to their characters (defines their characters actually) in the book as contrasted by silvers moderation & thats rly interesting. and the lack of singing is just boring - pirates rly did have sea shanties - however i can understand for time constraints per episode and whatnot them taking out the singing for practicality - but the alcoholism again is integral to those characters as well as being historically accurate and realistic & would have added a lot imo
EDIT: immediately after posting this i realized that since there are a few years between the treasure burial and flint's supposed death in georgia, he could have become a drunk in that time if we're creating a black sails to treasure island timeline, and billy wouldn't have become a drunk til later on since black sails is set roughly 20 yrs before treasure island.
HOWEVER - by the talks of it in treasure island, and all the pirates referring to flint as a drunk etc., it would still seem that flint was always that way when they knew him, prone to drinking... but at the same time i guess you could say all the characters are jollier than in black sails as indicated by their singing and their more stereotypical piratey ways.
however i still think the alcoholism & addiction theme would have added an extra layer to everything especially after flints sad drunk scene with eleanor. also in toby stephens deep fathoms interview he said flint is essentially like an addict when it comes to his delusion & desires. anyway i digress
transcript here, audio is on youtube: https://www.justsaypodcast.com/blog/2018/12/18/transcript-interview-with-toby-stephens-of-black-sails
#queue#black sails#treasure island#currently reading#book review#book thoughts#age of sail#pirates#piracy#book opinions#robert louis stevenson#starz#billy bones#long john silver#captain flint#analysis#thoughts#my writing#my thoughts#my analysis
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Do you have any advice for someone who wants to become a sociologist? any do's and dont's?
ok hi anon i had to let this marinate for a bit before i answered it
anyway good question! and i'm not necessarily the best person to answer it because i currently don't directly work in sociology, but i'll give it a shot
first some of the logistics/career stuff:
-if a program doesn't sit right with you, and you have the option, just get out of there. no point in getting a sociology degree from a school that can't follow the program's own tenets (i.e. for my BS, i encountered soooo much unchallenged ableism. i was in psychology). also if the program is all white guy profs, get out of there
-if you already have an associates/bachelors degree and want to go to grad school, it's okay if it's not in sociology. my BS is in psychology with a bunch of biology/chemistry coursework i did before changing my major. some smaller universities don't even have sociology undergraduate programs. a lot of subjects that aren't sociology are still very closely related and won't strike any points against you when trying to get into grad school
-on that note, people will tell you the likelihood of getting a tenure-track professorship in sociology is like 1%. don't be demoralized. 1% isn't 0%. go get that shit
-know that the likelihood of you working specifically as A Sociologist isn't really high (not saying you can't write/etc on the side, writing a book is something i keep considering). other than professor/instructor positions, there aren't a lot of places hiring specifically sociology-related roles. my specialty is rural and queer studies, but i've worked in clinical research, community violence and suicide prevention, adolescent development, substance use disorder. which all made good use of my skills but weren't really related to my specific focus. would i like to get something specific to my degree specialization? sure! but who knows when that may happen
-sociology is useful in a TON of different fields. you can still use your skills/interests even if you're not in a specific sociologist role. any social science, marketing, education, medicine, public health, policy, etc. are all places that want that cool shit you're bringing to the table and you'll probably enjoy it too (idk about marketing. it seems soul-crushing. but maybe not for you)
-if you really want to specifically Do Sociology you're probably gonna want to get a doctorate. i have an MA, which allows me to be the sociology guy on my projects, but i still work within other fields (public health most recently)
-make sure you have a good background in analysis. you don't have to be good at quant or qual (people will tell you otherwise but i suck at quant and i'm here, so), but you want to be good at one of them. you are going to find more positions, and make more money, if you're good at quant (including SAS/R coding and probably python). it's the reality of math. but i think quant sucks and i'm a qual specialist, so follows your dreams
-if you're in/want to be in research: understand your jobs may not be permanent. i'm speaking from experience as someone who just got laid off. if you're working for an academic institution with grant-funded research, funding can run out! contracts will fall through! if you're looking to stay at one job for years and years, not sure if academic research is the place to be
now my own little tips about The Vibes:
-you will be weird at parties. sociology is basically going uh oh! this social phenomena is bad! we should fix it. but how ? and god descends and hands you a note card that just says ?????? on it. you will have knowledge of things that are bad. they'll be interesting! but also it can get kind of depressing at times. but so can all of existing, so
-you gotta like books. or at least just learning rly specific shit. if you're specifically wanting to go into sociology you probably know that, but i did read 300+ pages of articles and 14 books for my MA thesis. on purpose. over about 4 months
-people in more "hard science" heavy jobs will act like you're amazing for knowing things like what medical racism is. this will feel jarring and like you are being tricked. you're not, people just don't know things. just go with it
i know this is A LOT and i'm also early (ish) career and only MA level, but i hope at least something could be helpful!
-sociology is a really gay field. the queer autistics love that shit, most of my grad cohort was queer and weird and we spent 30 minutes deciding the coolest way to dispose of our own corpses when we died
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played landlord of the woods
mixed feelings.
good things:
loved the aesthetic and art style
music was nice. it sooooorta felt unfitting in a way? like not what i expected, but it was pretty and i enjoyed it.
the puzzles were interesting
i did like the little world it lives in. your normal city job still being quite macabre and despite the plague doctory aesthetics going on, you still have that relatable "you're 25 and lost in life" thing going on.
the humor was mostly in-line with mine
i liked the little character creation screen. choose your plague doctor beak, cloak, and little hat :>
short game! took me like an hour
i got it for less than $1 a while ago so the bad honestly doesn't mean a ton since... you can't expect all that much. but i do have some bad thoughts too i wanted to word out.
bad:
it's a bit buggy and not very intuitive? i had to look up how to do a couple of things because i wasn't sure if it was glitching or i was just missing something. i don't think anything was glitching at least, and the creator does seem very responsive when people do report glitches.
some of the unintuitive stuff comes from like... when you find an item, you have to click it Again to add it to your inventory after it's highlighted. so i had to go back to screens i thought i was done with to grab an item again.
another part of the unintuitive i think comes from the color scheme, like it does take a minute to figure out where your attention is supposed to be drawn to so you can start figuring out what to do. but at the same time that's... probably because it's a hidden object and puzzle game. however, i do get a bit irked when it's for non-puzzle elements, like oftentimes i would miss the arrow cueing that i was done in an area.
although i did say the puzzles were cute... i can't say i had fun with them? i appreciated the game and what it was going for, but many of the features were just... reeeeally clunky or boring or confusing. some genuinely weren't coded well, but generally i don't rly like puzzles so someone else might appreciate it more.
the ending is... choice jlksdklfj. i want to appreciate it, and we hate landlords lol and it DOES fit the bizarreness of the little world we've seen. but i really did love the hook of "you're 25 and lost in life, maybe you can do a little bit of good somewhere :)" which i think would speak to a lot of sad 25-ish year olds who need some escapism, so the ending wasn't... very nice for that :( it wasn't totally out of nowhere since i mean, something had to have happened to the last landlord, and we know all these little forest fuckers are messed up and don't know you well enough to actually want you to join them. so i think other people could appreciate it. i think, although the plot twist tm of it does hinge on how the game is presented, i wish the game had been presented differently so i wouldn't have had lighter expectations for it.
anyway no save button :( and it's not clear that it won't autosave exactly where you left off so i had to redo a bit than i hadn't expected to do.
tl;dr not my cup of tea and kinda buggy but not a bad game. i think other people might enjoy it more, esp when you're paying pennies for it.
i am kinda sad bc i wanted to try the other game the creator has, birth, but i don't rly think i enjoyed this game enough to give it a go for its price point. it is pretty cool that they were able to make this little game (it kinda makes me wanna make a little game!) and i think from a marketing standpoint it is quite smart to give people a cheaper taste to try out your game-making style with to get their foot in the door. i hope they can keep developing n getting better at these things bc i would like to at least keep up with their work, even if puzzle games aren't for me.
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Watched oshi no ko and hells paradise both mid. Kinda makes me mad bc hells paradise was giving soul eater a little bit plus the op is catchy as fuck but I’m a little annoyed like I just don’t think I have it in me to tolerate mid female characters anymore. I really wanted to like it too bc the first ep was really good but then the second was like umm ok this dude is a bit much but he’s cool still. Then the third ep I was like “so why tf is the girl even travelling with him if everyone knows he could easily overpower her at any time”. And the forth ep gabimaru had to save her and she collapsed bc she got overwhelmed ? Like it’s so embarrassing for her I can’t go on. I realize her arc is about facing her fears or something actually no I don’t really know what the author was going for but anyway my point is theres a way to do that without making her a cringe damsel in distress. Maybe I’m just jumping to conclusions bc it really does look good but like it’s not a great look so far
as for oshi no ko I was hoping it would be about like balancing motherhood and being a star or something obviously I expected too much. I actually kinda enjoyed the movie pilot but I dislike that:
1 it’s isekai
2 the mom fucking dies and the kid/guy is on some revenge fantasy bs. Like I said I thought this would be some cute show where a guy doctor falls in love with a pregnant woman who’s actually an idol hiding her identity and the issues that would arise from that. (Btw I did not know she was 16 going into this show. Another thing I dislike)
3 I feel like the isekai part is just accepted and will never come up again. Like idk bc I wouldn’t mind if it was actually incorporated into the story as like the main thing but it’s not really. like I want sarina/rubys backstory to be more important, the connnection between her wanting to be an idol and her not being able to move around in her previous life could be expanded on, idk anything abt the guys goals from before but I would like to see that instead
4 I hate the Mc he’s fucking BORINGGGGG and he’s obsessed w his sister and mom. (Side note When are we gonna get an anime where the Mc just despises his sister like there’s no other feeling other than hate.) What happened to the fun guy who used to be a doctor. Like trauma obvs but his whole personality became unbearable. you could say that he was obsessed with Ai even when he was alive but honestly, bro had a job and lived in the countryside, there is no way he didn’t have other things going on in his life
5 both these kids have no personality other than being obsessed with their mom like SHUT UP PLS
6 it’s literally just a girl in the mcs life suffers due to being an idol and he jumps in to save her by doing something maybe a little innovative and weird but ultimately good. Like I kept watching bc I wanted to see how him trying new things could expand his perspective or something like trying acting again or being on the dating show but no it’s just him saving chicks from other ppl
7 I feel like all of those points just show the plot is trying to be more than what it is. Like it’s just another isekai where an older guy takes care of underage women in return for their dedication. Ok to be fair it actually does have a lot of the inside life of idol culture which is interesting but also don’t advertise it like ai is a main character when she FUCKING DIES :(
I actually kinda dislike gabimaru too like both these mfs are gloomy, overly perfect, emo, and have saviour complexes and it’s rly not my vibe. Like idk they’re Gary stus. Ebony darkness dementia raven way but as a guy. Like please just suck at something you’re boring me
I think that’s what I get for trying to watch Shonen but ugh. I like action I like the power of friendship I even like a lil romance if it’s not like annoying and very specifically aimed toward the male gaze.
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📣: Wonwoo // enemies to lovers-ish i guess // angst?????? but not rly no // somewhat fluffy too // 6000~ words hahahahhahahahhahah this isnt a drabble
A/N: thank you for the request, anon! just to be clear, this fic doesnt give an accurate representation of memory loss bc i tried researching but it doesnt... really tell abt what i was looking for so, yeah. also, the way med school works here is like uni, which is why wonwoo's break is a bit long so if the med school in ur country doesnt work that way pls ignore lol but tbh the med school background isnt rly important here. im gonna write a long ass AN at a different post abt this fic so if you feel like seeing me rant, you're welcome to do so <3 enjoy :D
find the rest of requested drabble here
For someone who claims to hate you, Wonwoo knows quite a few things about you more than he’d like to admit.
One, he knows you live alone because the reason you’re here is to pursue your medical degree (and get a job too, obviously). Two, he knows you’re the closest to Park Chaeyoung, a Korean by blood who’s lived outside the country more than inside; Wonwoo figures the both of you find comfort in each other for being foreigners. Three, he also knows the only reason you’re hostile towards each other is because you simply started off at the wrong foot and refuses to be civil with each other quite immediately after that.
Lastly, he knows there’s just no way he’s called in the middle of the night by the hospital for you because you ask for him.
Wonwoo stares at the doctor in front of him with eyes wide open, glancing at you who’s fast asleep on the bed. You’ve fallen back asleep after asking for him, the nurse in charge quickly going through your phone to look for a ‘Jeon Wonwoo’ and has someone notify him about it.
“What do you mean she’s lost her memories?” he asks once again, not believing what he just hears even though the way your head is wrapped with bandage says enough.
The doctor explains how you hit your head to the side of the road because of some irresponsible cyclist going too fast, eventually bumping into you and then fell down on you after losing his balance. Your body doesn’t sustain any major injury, but your head has taken the fall for colliding into the stone brick firsthand.
“Is it…bad?” he asks, his mind busy recalling the few stuffs he’s read about amnesia even though he has never actually learned it himself.
“Apparently, she forgets the events of the last few months to almost a year before,” the doctor patiently answers. “It’s all a blur, she tells me. But she doesn’t completely forget everything, just that she forgets a lot of details.”
After another half an hour of telling Wonwoo stuffs that he thinks the guy should know, the doctor finally leaves, telling him to take care and ‘have strength’ because you can still have your memory back even though it might take a few months at least.
He sits down on the chair next to your bed, looking at you as he wonders why did you not ask to call for Chaeyoung. Though it wouldn’t make any difference, Wonwoo thinks. He knows the girl is back in Australia for the semester break and he could only imagine what she’d do if she finds out.
He sighs, figuring he’d have to notify her too one way or another.
[01:03 AM] Jeon Wonwoo: SOS. Text me when you’re available to talk.
[05:54 AM] Park Chaeyoung: ??? r u drunk
[05:54 AM] Park Chaeyoung: is2g if you’re making up shit
This is going to be one long semester break.
“What the fuck do you mean she lost her memories?” Chaeyoung curses from the other end.
“I mean just that,” Wonwoo sighs in annoyance, though he does feel bad for her. “Apparently, she asks for me and that’s why I’m here.”
“Why on earth would she ask for you?”
“How am I supposed to know?” he huffs, slightly lifting up the curtain to see the sun barely up. It’s somewhere around 6 in the morning, Wonwoo has just woken up from his uncomfortable sleep with his neck and waist screaming in pain from sleeping on a chair. When he comes to, he checks his phone only to see Chaeyoung replying to his text and figures he should deliver the news and be done with it. “She probably doesn’t remember she hates me.”
On the other line, Chaeyoung goes silent and Wonwoo lets her be. He knows this kind of news isn’t easy to take, even more when she’s literally in another continent and can’t just come back to help the person she considers her own sister.
Before neither of them can say anything more, you groan in your sleep, making Wonwoo turn to you. He quickly tells Chaeyoung that you’re waking up, and he can hear her sniffles a little before softly asking him to take care of you, the softest she has ever spoken to him. So Wonwoo says yes and hangs up.
Wonwoo keeps quiet for a moment, just in case you’re going to go back to sleep right after. But you sluggishly open your eyes, eventually looking up at him as you try to sit on your bed. Wonwoo comes closer to help you, avoiding your eyes because he’s never been this close to you before and it’s flustering him for no reason at all.
“How are you feeling?” he decides to say and sits down on the chair near you. “Head okay?”
You nod a little, thanking him when he hands you water to drink. “You’re… Wonwoo, right?”
There’s an unexpected sting in him at your question and your unsure gaze. It must’ve been frustrating, knowing you should know this and that but you don’t. “Yeah. They called me but you’re already sleep when I arrived.”
“I’m… I’m sorry if we’re not close or anything,” you fidget, and Wonwoo actually feels bad seeing you so… small. This isn’t you; you’re supposed to roll your eyes at him, glare at him when you can’t come up with a good come back, or give him that annoying triumphant grin when you get the last words. “But you’re the first name that rings in my head so I ask the nurse for you.”
There’s an awkward smile in his face, but Wonwoo tries his best to hold it back so you won’t be even more uncomfortable because, even though he never experiences it himself for obvious reasons, he knows it must’ve been scary to you. You don’t even know who he is, but now you’re looking at him like he’s the only one that can help.
“It’s okay,” he reassures you. “Are you really okay? Should I call for the nurse?”
“Just a little lightheaded,” you tell him honestly. So Wonwoo does exactly that, all the while listening carefully to what the nurse says when she’s examining you.
Not long after that, your doctor comes in to check up on you. He says something about not being too worried, because it might be short-term and you might get your memories back sooner rather than later. You look scared, Wonwoo notices, but he can see you visibly relax when you catch his eyes and he sends you an encouraging smile.
“I… need to go back and wash up,” he tells you after the doctor leaves. You look at him with uncertainty, as if afraid to be left alone without him by your side. It’s not a look that Wonwoo would ever imagine coming from you to him, but his heart warms a little at it. “I’ll be quick, I promise. And then I’ll come back and we can talk about stuffs that might help you jog your memory back, okay?”
You nod, because you also feel bad for keeping Wonwoo here when, by the looks of it, he’s not even your closest friend or anything. You’re sure he’d freak out more if he was your close friend or, dare you assume, boyfriend. But Wonwoo is calm and has just looked more confused and a little uncomfortable.
At least he looks like he wants to help, you think to yourself.
Wonwoo stays true to his words, already appearing back in your room not an hour later, and takes the seat near your bed.
“Okay, um…” he begins hesitantly. “What do you want to know first?”
“We aren’t close, are we?” you shoot straight to it, the most certain you’ve ever been since you come to.
“Well, no, I wouldn’t say,” he answers truthfully. “We go to the same med school, share some classes, umm… We… talk from time to time, but not to the point where we’re close.”
For now, he decides that’s the best he can tell you. You already look scared and lost as it is, there’s no use in telling you the nature of your relationship. He’s been thinking about it during the short while he’s not in the hospital; how much shittier would you feel if you find out the first person that you seek isn’t even your…friend?
“How did we meet?” you ask curiously. You wonder if you used to have a crush on Wonwoo before and are just too shy to do anything about it. Surely, if someone like him is in your class he would at least serve as your eye candy, right? Plus, he’s kind enough to accompany you like this when you’re just…acquaintance, apparently.
Wonwoo chuckles awkwardly, remembering how that’s exactly why you both went down the wrong road, still going at each other’s throat until this very moment.
“I, uhh, I wasn’t looking and you were in a hurry so we kinda bumped into each other and I might’ve spilled my coffee all over you,” he scratches his head, unsure how this version of you would take it.
Surprisingly, you let out a small laugh that sends a handful of butterflies in his stomach. “What a meeting. Your impression must’ve been strong to me.”
He shifts in his seat uncomfortably, then changes the topic just so you won’t start asking about how it goes from there. He talks about the little things he knows of Chaeyoung, someone that you also only remember by name, and then promises to video call her when you’re ready, and he talks about school stuffs, some you recall, though mostly not.
“Have you checked your phone?” he asks, only know realizing your phone is intact on the table.
“No,” you look down to your lap. “I’m… afraid.”
“Because you might not remember everything?” he asks pitifully. All this time, the only side of you that Wonwoo’s familiar with is your snarky side; one that’s skeptical and confident, not unsure and afraid like this. Seeing you like this is weird, not because he’s not used to it, but because he can feel something stirring inside him at the sight of your hunched figure.
At your nod, Wonwoo offers to accompany you look through it if you want, that he would try to help if he can even though he might not be much of help if it’s not about friends from school. So you agree, and Wonwoo is able to help more than he thinks he could; he’s able to tell you about the class you enjoy most and ones that you don’t really care for, able to tell you about your habit of drinking iced (‘it has to be iced, I’ve never seen you with anything hot,’ he says) coffee for your first class no matter what time it starts, able to tell you about some friends that you’d sometimes hang out with.
“You do know quite a lot about me, huh?” you ask jokingly, not knowing the way Wonwoo’s heart jolts at this particular tone you usually use at him everytime you beat him on Professor Jung’s exam. He can vividly picture it in his head, the way you’d walk past his table to say something along the line of ‘looks like someone’s barely passing, huh?’.
Wonwoo knows what makes his heart jumps isn’t only that, though, it’s the fact that he doesn’t even realize he knows this much about you. Has he actually been paying attention to you?
He shakes the thought away, and the nurse comes in with your lunch just in time to stop your conversation. There’s watermelon on your fruit plate, and you hand it to him because you don’t like it. Wonwoo scoots closer to your bed, eating your fruit as you talk some more over your lunch.
It is only when you’ve finished eating that Wonwoo realizes he actually likes this—talking to you over meals with no hostility in between.
He wonders if it’d be like this if he’d just said sorry that time and helped you clean up instead of fighting you back.
A week later, you’re already discharged from the hospital with Wonwoo in tow.
“You ready to go home?” he asks, and the sentence feels more intimate for no reason at all that Wonwoo averts his gaze from you to his phone almost immediately.
“Can’t stay here forever, can I?” you ask back, which makes him chuckle at the spark of familiarity. Being with you almost 24/7 for a week, Wonwoo has learned that your sarcastic way of speaking is just the way you normally speak.
When you both arrive in your apartment (Wonwoo gets the passcode from Chaeyoung who shares the apartment with you), the space suddenly feels too big for you and it’s overwhelming. It’s also sad, because this place used to be your home, it should be familiar—and even though it doesn’t feel foreign, it doesn’t feel like home right now.
You roam around to your room, and then peek through Chaeyoung’s from the door, hoping something will hit you, but nothing really stands out and it’s more than frustrating.
“Hey, don’t force it too much,” Wonwoo finally says after a while, noticing the way your fingers are digging into your palms. “How about we video call Chaeyoung now? Didn’t you say you want to go home first before finally calling her?”
You turn to Wonwoo who’s standing near the sofa, and you nod before sitting down there with him. “She… she won’t be mad that I don’t remember her, right?”
“Oh, [Y/N],” he calls your name gently. “She’s literally your closest friend here, okay? And she’s been so worried that she texts me everyday to make sure you’re okay. She’s been wanting to call you too, but she’s refrained from doing so because I told her you’re not ready yet.”
For the next two hours, Wonwoo simply watches you talk to Chaeyoung from the side. At first, the both of you are crying—Chaeyoung, because she’s too worried, and you, because Chaeyoung is crying—and Wonwoo’s pretty sure he would’ve mocked you for it if this was the old you, but right now he just feels bad and he comes to the conclusion that he doesn’t like seeing you cry.
Not the tiniest bit.
He has to hold himself back from wiping your tears, settling for handing you tissues and a glass of water instead.
“I’m okay, I promise,” you tell her when the call is about to end, relieved that you don’t completely forget about some memories Chaeyoung has been sharing with you. “Just a little dizzy now, maybe because you help me recall a little. The doctor says it’s normal.”
“We’ll talk some more later or tomorrow, okay?” Wonwoo hears her say. “I have to go in a bit and I’m not sure when I’ll be back. Don’t forget to take care!”
You chuckle a little, something at the back of your mind tells you Chaeyoung has always been this kind of friend and you’re relieved at the recollection. “Yes. Wonwoo’s here with me too, so I’ll be okay,” you shyly say, missing the way Wonwoo widens his eyes while Chaeyoung coughs to hide her reaction before eventually hanging up.
“Should we order pizza?” Wonwoo asks before things get awkward. “You know, to celebrate your homecoming?”
You laugh at his choice of words, but nod anyway. Pizza with Wonwoo doesn’t sound so—
“Why are you here?” you frown at Wonwoo, the guy simple shrugs as he annoyingly bites into his pizza. “You don’t even like pizzas!”
“Who says?” he rises his eyebrows. “I loooove pizza. And who am I to say no to Seungkwan’s free food?”
Beside him, someone sends you an apologetic look, mouthing an apology and a promise to make it up for you.
“You invited him, didn’t you?” you turn to someone else.
“Does it matter who invites me?” Wonwoo chirps in. “Just sit down and eat.”
“Oh my God, are you okay?” Wonwoo quickly holds your shoulders as you wince at the sudden wave of memory. “Did you remember something again?”
You weakly nod, the pounding in your head won’t stop and you can barely see Wonwoo’s worried eyes.
“Do you… do you know a Seungkwan?” you ask once the headache dies down.
“I—yeah, he’s, uh, kind of close with everyone,” he answers. “Did you… get to remember him?”
You shake your head, taking the water from his hand. “Not really, no. But, have we… eaten pizzas? With Seungkwan?”
Wonwoo hesitates for a second, but he eventually nods and tells you yes.
He still remembers that day because it’s hasn’t been that long ago; Seungkwan has called some people over for pizza night as a celebration of the semester ending. Wonwoo has told him no at first, telling him he wants to sleep for a week straight and his social battery is practically nonexistent. But when he hears from Mingyu you’re coming, he has quickly made his way over just to bother you even though he doesn’t even feel like eating pizza then.
“It hasn’t been that long ago,” he honestly tells you. “Only 2 weeks ago at most.”
He’s met with silence, there’s a frown on your face as you try to put the puzzles together in your mind. Your words and Wonwoo’s from the memory ring endlessly; are you… not in a good relationship with Wonwoo? But he’s been so kind to you the past week?
He barely even leaves your room if not because of the visiting hour and because he needs to come home and wash up.
That doesn’t make sense at all.
“Do you want to lay down and take a nap maybe?” he asks, still worried. What else could you possibly remember now?
At your nod, Wonwoo helps you to your room, asking you if you still feel like eating pizzas or if he should order something else. But you shake your head and tells him pizza should be fine, that you just need to lay down for a while because your head feels heavy.
When you wake up again, Wonwoo isn’t in your room. You walk out to find him asleep on the sofa, his arms crossed in front of his chest and his head uncomfortably leans back on the head rest. You slowly make your way to sit next to him in hope your weight wouldn’t wake him up; it doesn’t, but Wonwoo grunts before turning a little to you.
There’s a part of you that wants to ask Chaeyoung what’s the nature of your and Wonwoo’s relationship, but would it be too much? Just because of one memory?
But didn’t Wonwoo say it has just been roughly two weeks ago? Then why were you questioning his presence to the point where your friend—Seungkwan? was it? —has to apologize for Wonwoo being there? Didn’t Wonwoo say you were just…acquaintances?
You look up right when Wonwoo’s starting to wake up, he groggily opens his eyes and you don’t even realize you’ve been sitting so close to him that his face is right in front of yours. He blinks a few times, as if trying to figure out why your face is so close to his, but you quickly stand up and walk to the kitchen.
“When did you wake up?” he asks instead with a yawn. “Is your head better?”
“Not too long ago,” You nod at him as you return with the pizza box. “Definitely better. Did I sleep for long?”
Wonwoo looks at his phone before answering you. “Maybe an hour or so. You’re really feeling better?” he asks again, noticing the conflicted expression on your face.
You nod again to reassure him, and when Wonwoo softly mumbles to himself he’s glad you’re feeling better, you decide you’re not going to pry about your relationship with him. However it was between the two of you, it shouldn’t be bad enough if he’s right here with you, right?
If it’s that bad, he wouldn’t continuously try his best to take care of you since day 1, right?
Maybe it was just those friendly fights, you try to convince yourself. Maybe you just enjoyed arguing with him and he, you.
Yeah.
That must be it.
The week after that, Wonwoo says going to school might be a good idea because you spend a lot of time there, and you need to go to administration to officially take a semester break, anyway.
You take a deep breath once you get off the bus with Wonwoo, both hoping you’ll remember and afraid just in case nothing happens.
“You’ll be fine,” Wonwoo squeezes your shoulder. “Don’t force it, okay?”
It’s something that he often says to you, because he knows you often try to force the memory out by staring at something that seemingly important to you. This does nothing but frustrates you and, more often than not, you just end up with a useless headache.
“You’re already remembering a lot too, aren’t you?” he says, reminding you it’s okay to take it slow.
“Yeah, but there are still a lot of missing pieces and sometimes I’d either dream or suddenly think of people with blurry faces,” you pout. “It’s scary.”
“You still have those dreams?” he frowns, you’ve told him about it a couple times before and he remembers how disturbed you are even though it should be a good thing that your memories are coming back little by little.
You nod, absentmindedly linking your arm with his as you walk to the building. Wonwoo blinks at the touch, but doesn’t have the heart to move away nor even comment about it so he lets you be.
He likes it, anyway.
“Oh?” someone exclaims from afar, calling you both loudly as he makes his way to where you’re at. “Well, aren’t you two cozy,” Mingyu grins when he notices the way you’re holding on to Wonwoo.
The sight of Mingyu alone seems to trigger something within you, though, and you stagger back at the sudden wave of pain. Wonwoo quickly puts his arm around your waist to hold your weight, and Mingyu looks at him in panic, not having any idea about your condition.
“Well, don’t you look cozy in your hoodie,” Mingyu says from beside you.
“Don’t you shut up ever?” you glare at Mingyu.
“No. It’s a part of my charm,” he grins shamelessly. “Why? You like the quiet type more?”
You roll your eyes at his words, trying to step away from him. “I like people who’s not associated with Jeon fucking Wonwoo. So, obviously, I don’t like you. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”
You walk away from Mingyu, but he quickly catches up, easily falling back into steps with you. “Do you know that you two actually match each other really well? Wouldn’t be surprised if you end up dating once you decided to end this dumb feud.”
“And I wouldn’t be surprised either if my shoe ends up in your mouth,” you glare at him once again.
Mingyu puts his hands up in surrender, though the teasing grin in his face doesn’t falter. “You owe me Chaeyoung’s number if you end up with him!”
“I’m okay,” you say once you’re able to get back to your feet. So many thoughts are swirling in your mind and you’re pretty sure your head doesn’t only hurt because of the memory rush but due to the revelation that you’re still denying.
Are you really in bad terms with Wonwoo…? Wonwoo, who has been with you for almost a month now, taking care of you days and nights? Wonwoo, who makes dumb jokes out of nowhere and never forgets to tell you to slow down and rest?
You look up at his worried face, a frown in his face with his arm protectively around your figure. There’s nothing but worry and concern in his eyes, so why…?
“Should we just go home?” he asks instead, and you can feel the arm around you tightening a little. You glance at Mingyu behind him, too speechless to say anything.
“No, we should at least take care of my break,” you tell him as you try to step away from him a little.
Wonwoo’s face subtly falls at your movement, but he quickly nods and figures you’re just disoriented. He points at where you’re supposed to go, telling you to go first because he needs to talk to Mingyu about something.
Any other day, you would’ve waited for him because he seems to be the only certainty in your blurry life and it’s a little scary to be doing things without him. But today’s not any other day and you actually do need time alone to collect your thoughts no matter how short.
All the time you’ve spent with Wonwoo seems to make you forget Wonwoo wasn’t even your friend when he first came through the hospital door. He was just a classmate, you have assumed—a colleague. He himself said you weren’t close.
You remember wondering about the nature of your relationship with Wonwoo before, and you’ve closed the possibility of him being someone you don’t like because he was, still is, taking care of you earnestly.
Some memories regarding him have been coming back too, if you’re being honest. But you didn’t tell him because you were always arguing with each other in those memories, they didn’t last long enough for you to get the context of it; but almost every fight was childish by nature which is why you have just assumed that’s how your friendship with him was.
But now that you think about it, Wonwoo wouldn’t have been as uncomfortable at first if you’re actually a close enough friends that can argue with each other without getting hurt.
Maybe you’d have to call Chaeyoung tonight.
“Hey, careful!” Wonwoo pulls you to his side, concern written all over his face and it’s only now that you realize you almost bump into the pillar in front of you if not for him. “Are you really okay?”
The worry in his voice is clear, and yet you suddenly doubt everything about him after the episode earlier. You try to rationalize with yourself; even if you were in bad terms with him before, that doesn’t erase the fact that he’s been restlessly taking care of you when no one else could, does it?
Furthermore, doesn’t it just say about how good of a person he actually is if he’s taking care of someone he doesn’t like?
You flinch at the thought. What does he think of you, really?
Should you just ask him instead of calling Chaeyoung?
You don’t realize when Wonwoo moves to face you. But when you do realize, his palms are gently cupping your cheeks to search your eyes thoroughly, and you look back at him, trying to see if there’s any deceit in his eyes. He can’t be faking it to this extend, can he?
What do you know about Wonwoo, anyway?
You frown at the sudden thought. Yes, Wonwoo has been taking care of you greatly all these times, but do you actually know him?
“I’m—I’m fine,” you answer him at last, your hand goes to hold his for a second before letting go. “Let’s just finish this and… I want to go home.”
Wonwoo lets go of you and nods, biting his lips at the way you’re suddenly avoiding his gaze.
Did you remember? But it’s been only roughly a month? Doesn’t it usually take months to recover loss memories?
Most importantly, why does it scare him?
📷
It’s two weeks after that day and you’re still too afraid to confront him. But it is a fact that sometimes you become too conscious around him, and Wonwoo probably notices this even though he doesn’t say anything about it.
Even so, his genuine concern and the way he earnestly takes care of you still brings butterflies to your stomach, often prompting your heart to run a little faster than normal when he’s too close and his fingers slightly brush yours.
It is only when Wonwoo texts you he can’t come today because he’s promised Mingyu a long time ago to go somewhere with him on semester break, that you realize you’re almost always with Wonwoo ever since you woke up from that concussion.
You try to count back to the day of the small accident; it’s been roughly a month since then and the few times you spent your day without him can be counted with your fingers. Almost everyday he’s by your side even when he doesn’t need to—like when you met up with Seungkwan in hope he’ll be able to jog something within you, or when you went to the places Chaeyoung has mentioned to be your favorites, even when it’s midnight and you couldn’t sleep because the blurry faces are haunting you.
You still remember that night vividly even when you fell asleep without you knowing. You woke up because of another blurry memories, head pounding and heart beating fast out of fear. It was hard to fall back asleep after that, so you had texted him just to see if he’s awake—and he was.
He called you almost immediately, talked to you on the phone about this game he’s been obsessing over and how you should try it, about how Soonyoung, his roommate, had been nagging him because he’s always at your place and that meant Soonyoung had no one to accompany him eat during dinner. He had just laughed it off, though, and you can still remember how your heart fluttered when Wonwoo jokingly said he’d rather eat with you than his roommate, anyway.
That went on until somewhere around 2 in the morning, with you falling asleep somewhere along the way. You wake up to Wonwoo’s text telling you to call him if the nightmare comes back.
You sigh to yourself. Why is the whole thing with Wonwoo so complicated? Why can’t you just pretend this is how it’s meant to be and accept your feeling towards him regardless of how it was before when you couldn’t even remember?
But you know it’s not that easy—know that Wonwoo knows how it was before and you’re not sure what to make of him being aware of your supposedly ‘bad’ relationship while still doing…this.
Is he just being kind? Maybe he feels bad about your situation and wants to make up for whatever he did before even when you don’t remember?
The only thing that you know is you don’t dare to assume he’s developing feelings for you like you are for him and you hate yourself for it.
You mess your head out of frustration, walking to the kitchen to see if the fridge has anything that might cheer you up a little. There are three cans of beers, you notice, you haven’t touched alcohol at all since the accident. You hesitate a little before eventually bringing them all out with you to the living room. You don’t even know how much you can drink, but surely you won’t get drunk over canned beers, right?
“What the fuck!” you gasp in shock at the cold beverage against your skin, seeping in through your shirt. “Do you not have eyes or something?”
The guy in front of you looks just as shocked, but quickly frowns when he registers your words. “Isn’t it you who was dashing through the corridor without looking?”
You scoff at his words, eyes throwing daggers at this guy who you don’t even know. “Wow, not even a sorry. What a gentleman.”
“Why should I be sorry when it’s you who bumped into me?” he scoffs back, which irritates you even more because isn’t it you who’s the victim here? Having been drenched in coffee first thing in the morning?
“Jeon Wonwoo!” someone calls from behind you, the guy glances at the name, but quickly turns to lock your gaze again just to annoy you further. Of course, guys with decent looks are always assholes.
“I will fucking remember you, Jeon Wonwoo,” you whisper under your breath before turning to leave. You will get back at him.
“[Y/N]!” Wonwoo calls to you once again, trying to shake you awake on his lap.
That’s how he found you when he comes in, passed out on the floor with empty canned bears on the table. Chaeyoung has worriedly called him earlier, telling him you’re not taking her calls nor checking her messages. It’s 8 in the morning on a Saturday, but Wonwoo quickly goes to your place when you’re not answering his calls either.
“That dumbass,” Chaeyoung has said over the phone when he calls to say you’re passed out most likely from beers. “Her body can’t take alcohol.”
After that, she has told him to prepare your usual hungover remedy and that he should try to wake you up; you’ll probably throw up and he would need to help that, too.
When you wake up, your head’s pounding and your throat is itching. You can hear someone calling you, but not conscious enough to register who. The next thing you know, you’re running to the bathroom to throw your guts up.
Wonwoo worriedly follows you, holding your hair to the side as his other hand rubs your back. His warmth comforts you, but you’re still not done throwing up to properly collect your thoughts.
Once you’re done, Wonwoo leaves to get you aspirin and water while you wash up a little. You warily make your way to the living room after that, taking a deep breath before stepping out of the bathroom.
“Here, take this,” he says when you’re close enough, handing you the medicine. “I ordered the hungover stew earlier and it should arrive soon, Chaeyoung says you usually have it after drinking too much.”
You don’t say anything, simply bite the inside of your cheek as you take the aspirin from him. Wonwoo doesn’t seem to notice you silence, too worried out of his mind.
“Why did you even drink?” he frowns at you. “Do you know how worried I was seeing you passed out on the floor?”
You still don’t answer, your mind bursting with thoughts. It is then that Wonwoo realizes you’ve been keeping your words and softly calls your name in confusion.
“Why?” you say for the first time. Wonwoo simply looks at you with a silent question, not getting it. Your head still hurts and you’re probably not in a good enough condition to talk about this, but the sudden surge of bravery is something that you can’t ignore. “Why… have you been helping me?”
His breath turns heavy at your question, already able to put things together by the way you’re talking to him. “Did you… remember?” he asks instead, blunt nails digging into his palms.
You shake your head; your eyes are stinging as you suddenly feel like crying. “I—yes? No, I—I don’t know, maybe? But… but I, I remember our first meeting and a few other arguments and—”
Wonwoo quickly stands up to embrace you as you gasp for air and tears flood your eyes. He can feel the way your fingers are gripping his shirt as you cry, probably too overwhelmed with everything.
You’re not sure what comforts you the most: is it his arms around you? Or is it the way he’s whispering comfort to your ear? Or is it the way his hand is endlessly caressing your hair?
Once your tears die down, Wonwoo leans back a little to see your face. Something inside him twists at your puffed eyes and the way you’re hiccupping after crying far too long for his liking. He gently sits you down on the sofa, handing you water.
“Do you want to talk about it now?” he asks, there’s no use in hiding it anymore if you remember everything—at least the part about him—now.
You nod shakily, a little disappointed at the way Wonwoo’s sitting further than he usually does, though you get that he might be doing that for you.
He explains everything as best as he can, how he knows it must’ve been scary for you and how it would do you no good if the first person you seem to recall enough turns to be your enemy. He talks about how, at first, he takes care of you because he feels bad, but it wasn’t out of pity—he can tell you were scared and frustrated, and he doesn’t wish for you to go through this alone no matter how it was between the two of you before.
You listen to every single one of his words, heart stinging a little when he says he’s doing it because he feels bad. Who are you kidding? Of course, that’s why, the only reason there’s even an opening for you to feel something for him was because you have lost a chunk of your memories. Else, now you know it would be the same between the two of you.
The thought doesn’t comfort you, though. You think once you remember for sure what’s the nature of your relationship with him, everything would be clear to you.
And you definitely don’t think that, once you remember how bad it was between the two of you, the feeling that you’ve developed over the month would stay. You’ve never imagined you’d crave for his proximity, wish for him to continue talk to you like he usually would during the time he was taking care of you.
Would he back away from you now that you remember about him?
“Please don’t think I’m treating you like a charity case,” his words cut through your train of thoughts. “I’m—yes, at first I just felt bad, but now I’m just taking care of you because I want to, okay?”
“What—what do you mean by that?” you shakily ask, heart beating so hard that you can hear it loud and clear.
Wonwoo hesitates for a moment before eventually dives for it. “I… I don’t want to go back to how it was between us before just because you remember.”
“I… don’t want to either,” you whisper softly, making his breath caught in his throat. “I—I like being with you, Wonwoo.”
There’s a teasing smile in his face, but you can tell that his eyes are genuine without a hint of jokes. “Confessing already, are we?”
You chuckle a little at his attempt to lighten the mood, hitting his arm slightly which makes Wonwoo finally smiles at you, too.
“Just kidding. I like being with you too,” he genuinely says as he meets your eyes. “We really just started off the wrong way and refused to give each other a chance, huh?”
“How stupid, right?” you say with a laugh. “Takes me a concussion to give you a chance.”
For a moment, silence envelopes the both of you as you stare into each other’s eyes. There’s a quiet understanding between the two of you; how he’ll still be there to help you recover more of your memories, how you agree to let go of that first meeting, and how you both would slowly go through the path in front of you together after this.
It’s quiet and it’s comfortable, so you bask in his gaze and he, yours. What finally breaks the silence between the two of you is Wonwoo’s phone ringing to notify an incoming text. He looks at it, and then tells you your stew has arrived downstairs.
“I’ll just… go get it,” he says as he stands up. “Don’t go anywhere, okay?”
You laugh at his remarks, his mind probably stopped working after the emotional outburst earlier because he doesn’t even realize what he’s just said. You hold back the urge to be sarcastic, instead nodding at him with a smile that sends butterfly flying in his stomach.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
©wonwoonlight – all rights reserved.
#wonwoo oneshot#wonwoo scenario#wonwoo angst#wonwoo fluff#seventeen fluff#seventeen oneshot#seventeen scenario#seventeen fic#seventeen scenarios#seventeen au#svt fic#svt fluff#svt angst#wonwoo scenarios#wonwoo fic#seventeen imagines#wonwoo imagines#wwreq#wonwoo x reader#wonwoo au#svt scenarios#svt imagines#seventeen angst
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i was tagged by @handwrittenhello, thank u! <3
How many works do you have on AO3?
i got uhh... 355! that's a lot
What’s your total AO3 word count?
aww don't make me check it. *checks* 988,031.
How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?
i have 12 currently listed on ao3 tho a couple of those are for crossovers. uhh i'm not going to say them all as some are embarrassing. the Big Ones are the Witcher, Doctor Who, Lord of the Rings & Merlin, anyway.
What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
they are all witcher fics are present!
New Monster Stories
The Price of a Touch
Somebody to Love
sandstorms and hazy dawns
Constellations
Do you respond to comments, why or why not?
OH that's a good question! i actually used to but i got out of the habit (oddly) when i moved to a fandom where i get less comments. the reason for this is that getting less comments meant i liked to go back and re-read them as if they were new comments and once i replied that would mean i was 'done' with them. so if i haven't replied to your comment that is because. i am still enjoying it.
i do reply when someone has a question or other comment that i feel warrants a response tho
What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?
oof so the answer is definitely this merlin series which tbh i can't say i'd recommend as it's genuinely pretty brutal. i don't know if i can say that i regret the bleakness of the ending tho.
Do you write crossovers? If so what’s the craziest one you’ve written?
very rarely write 'crossovers' in the strictest sense BUT i do rly like writing fusions & of those i think the weirdest is the merlin/borrowers fusion bcos the whole concept of M-rated borrowers fic is just. frankly unacceptable!! but i did it anyway.
side note i do actually have a bunch more material around that one drabble (a whole au that's like the plot of the first borrowers but a romance essentially)
Have you ever received hate on a fic?
uhh kind of? yes. way back when i was about 14 and had just started posting fanfic i got a hm Scathing review on a fic i posted. however i was not especially bothered as i was very up myself when i was 14 and it would have taken more than 1 rude person to make me think what i was doing was anything less than Stellar and also the review was pretty dumb.
a lot of the stuff they didn't like in my story seemed to come down to them having failed to realise it was an AU & what i learned from that experience was you can't trust people to actually read your author's notes. the other stuff they took issue with came down to 'this was clearly written by a teenage girl' and in retrospect i'm like yeah no shit. this sounds like it was written by a teenager bcos i was in fact a teenager. do u have nothing better to do.
Do you write smut? If so what kind?
yes. tho not super often these days.
Have you ever had a fic stolen?
sorta? once someone translated one of my fics & posted it without crediting the original. it was very very obviously a direct translation even without speaking the language it was written in. they'd been doing it for a while and i believe they got reported but i don't actually remember what came of it.
Have you ever had a fic translated?
answered this above lol. yes i've had a few fics translated!! i don't really keep track of them. i used to go through and look at the comments on translations but i don't really bother these days.
What’s your all time favorite ship?
ok so i'm going to go with my gut instinct on this one & say Two/Jamie, even tho i'm not that into it these days. just in terms of. the level of enjoyment i had back when i was shipping it.
What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?
OH you know i was actually thinking about this the other day! i always wanted to do a fourth installment of my Merlin urban fantasy AU that would tie some stuff together (and also feature gwen! who was absent from the entire fic bcos i was saving her for later!! i'm so sorry!) but i just lost interest in the fandom. i remember being conscious when i posted the 3rd part that it was kind of a parting gift to the Merlin fandom as a whole. am still pretty proud of that one.
What are your writing strengths?
dialogue!
What are your writing weaknesses?
basically. everything but dialogue lol.
What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?
i did it 1 time using google translate in an original story & then i ended up actually selling the story so i had to scrabble around trying to find someone who spoke the language who could help me in advance of publishing it and then the process of translating it turned out to be much more complicated than i expected.
i don't remember the usernames of the very kind people who helped me out w it off the top of my head but thank you again!!
anyway no i will not be doing that again probably.
What was the first fandom you wrote for?
it was lord of the rings & tbh as lotr fanfics written aged 12 go it really wasn't that embarrassing but it is no longer online.
for some reason (and this is probably for the best) my tastes ran exclusively to crack fic & i also really liked legolas so it was just an extended fic about legolas having really stupid adventures which i thought was very funny at the time. it was co-written w a friend and tbph her chapters were legit funny. go figure.
What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?
i feel like i end up saying this every time this question comes up but the thing i'm proudest of is prolly the LOTR daemon au (if you can count that as one fic lol)
uhh who do i know who writes fic & hasn't been tagged. @thescarletpaperback @uighean
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otso (pronounced like “oat-soh”) ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ
he/they, 23yo, virgo, adhd, literature/writing degree, aspiring librarian
this blog is for my hyperfixations! so for now its: 70% doctor who, 20% house md, and 10% supernatural
dw opinions:
☆ fave seasons: rtd era and series nine/ten, classic who seasons seven and eight
☆ fave doctors: twelve, nine, ten, eight, and three
☆ fave characters: missy, martha, jack, clara, bill, rose, river
☆ fave relationships (romantic & platonic) : thoschei, ninerose, doctorjack, tenmartha, twelveriver, ten & donna, twelve & clara, twelve & bill
☆ classic who: (check my #classic-who-rewatch tag) (so far) third doctor, jamie mcrimmon, liz shaw, delgado!master, sarah jane smith
[i watched chibs era and enjoyed some of it, but it was definitely not my favorite. i still want people to be able to have fun though so feel free to block #dw-negativity if you don’t want to see my (very few) critical posts abt the writing/acting/etc]
house opinions:
☆ currently watching: s5
☆ fave characters: house, wilson, cuddy, thirteen, amber
☆ fave relationships: truly they’re all insane and should all date so that no normal people are subjected to their insanity
spn opinions:
☆ currently watching: s6 (i watched up to s8 a decade ago but don’t remember most of it)
☆ fave characters: castiel, dean, anna, bobby, meg 2.0, benny
☆ fave relationships: deancas, casmeg, deanbenny
other interests:
☆ bbc merlin, the witcher, lotr, ted lasso, interview with the vampire, fleabag, stranger things, studio ghibli, derry girls, the magicians, the secret garden, atla, & some other stuff
other blogs
☆ main: @teddypdf
☆ bookblr: @otsoreads
♡ pls send me asks and dms! i don’t have a lot of friends with the same interests as me so it would b rly nice to make some ♡
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~spoilers ahead~ cos i just watched the new doctor who so ok..
i thought that was um.. pretty bad lol 😕 mostly the plot seemed v rushed and the editting was all over the place, like it was p confusing where ppl were and exactly Who was there for quite a lot of it.. but i know this was filmed shortly after covid restrictions were first loosened, so i can cut it some slack for that i suppose 🤔 and also there’s rumours this episode was a Nightmare behind the scenes, w/ some sort of objection from the show’s distributors in china (supposedly abt something racially insensitive, altho it’s unclear exactly what??) leading to it having to be Heavily cut and re-editted, which would explain a lot 😳
and then, to end with the doctor allowing someone to kill themselves to kill all of the ~monsters~ w/ very little objection again, exactly as she did at the end of “the timeless children” too was my biggest problem w/ the plot.. 13 definitely has some v weird and inconsistent morals sometimes 🤨
but even aside from all that it was still just.. kinda boring for the most part 😔
but there were still some things i enjoyed!! the sea devils looked good and i appreciate they didn’t get a weird redesign like the silurians in series 5 did 😭 and the approach to yaz’s crush on the doctor was handled p well i think!! i was worried that like.. a relationship between them was just suddenly gonna be crammed into these final 2 episodes to appease the shippers before 13 dies next episode lol, but letting her down gently-ish was i think the best way to go and worked well, and also i liked the river reference 😌
..but obviously the main thing here 2 talk abt is the ~next time~ teaser bcos HELLO??? ACE IS COMING BACK????!?! 🤯 i’d talked abt wanting her to come back b4 never thought we’d actually get 2 see it, but now she rly is.. 🥺 and also tegan 😅 but holy shit???! those few seconds of seeing them in the teaser excited me more than that whole episode did, so i’m Rly looking forward 2 that now!! 😭
#sorry this is ramble-y i didn't wanna spend hours writing a post but it still ended up p long 😅#dw.txt
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Old and New | Pt I
Blaise Zabini x muggle!reader
word count: 1971
summary: y/n is new to France on a study abroad trip. Blaise is visiting France post-Hogwarts. rags to riches story of an unfortunate muggle falling for a complicated, ridiculously wealthy person who just so happens to also be a powerful Wizard.
a/n: this started with an idea, became a moodboard, then became an entire fleshed out fic! I thought it would be short but my brain had other ideas. enjoy! note: I did write this from my personal perspective in life. as a result it is not very inclusive. I plan to change that with my next fics, I’ve just been having a really hard time lately and have been writing a lot of comfort fics and/or self-inserts to escape from irl bc irl is rly shitty for me rn
It’s a brand-new start, in a brand-new apartment, in a brand-new city, in a brand-new country... an ocean away from home. I can bring Tacoma to France, right? At least, that’s what I’m trying to tell myself. Study abroad is fucking... scary. I kinda regret it. It’s a good opportunity and for someone who doesn’t travel, it should be a fun experience. But I’m currently having an anxiety attack over taking out the garbage, so I’m not sure my positive self-talk is working.
I look out the window of my top floor apartment, wait until someone finally finishes walking down the stairs, and run out my door - I nearly trip about five times going down the spiral of death, my arms feel like jelly thanks to perpetually pushing my garbage deeper in to avoid this trip, and I swing with all my might to hurl my garbage bag into the trash compacting dumpster - only it hits the bottom lip and falls to the ground, splitting open.
“Great!” I say, sarcastically, “First they send my luggage to the wrong location, then they try to say my passport isn’t valid because my apartment was a temporary address, then I’m greeted with a fridge full of rotting food and no power, then I’m bitten up by fleas and now - I just- fuck. Why can’t I just- do anything- right-“ I cut myself off when I hear a screen door slide and blink a couple times to erase the threat of tears that had been creeping up on me while I ranted.
When I look up, I see a tall, dark-skinned guy about my age - handsome. He’s wearing a suit, and expensive jewelry. Combine that with the fact he’s living in the apartment building next to me, which is worth more than my life just for one month of rent, and I put together that he’s probably rich beyond belief. I quickly look away, not wanting to stare. I silently pick up my garbage, piece by piece. As I work, I feel eyes drilling holes in the back of my head. I ignore it. It continues, and I still ignore it as I finally shove my ripped garbage bag in the compactor and slam the door shut. I hear a slight jump up above, and chuckle to myself.
I zoom back up the stairs and almost make it to the top, but I trip 5 stairs away from my door - and fall, hard. Body laid out flat hard. Cheek scraped and stinging from the metal grating on the stairs, hard. Lost the goddamned slide that caught on the stair, and can see it gradually falling, bouncing and rolling down the stairs, hard. I lift my head and see blood on the stair. I feel it running down my face. All I can think is that this really fucking hurts. The tears come, a combination of pain and frustration, and I pick myself up and stumble my way into my apartment, completely forgetting about the attractive rich boy who just watched me be a danger and inconvenience to myself.
I rush to the kitchen and grab a roll of paper towels, and run to the bathroom, I see the markings in the mirror and can tell it will leave a sizeable scar. Do I need stitches? I don’t know. Anyway, I start dabbing at everything and blood is still oozing out of every nook and cranny, to my displeasure. I’m about to start bandaging my face when I hear a knock on my door. “Fucking Christ!” I mutter to myself as I slap a wad of paper towels on my face and sulkily go to fling open my door.
I’m not sure who I’m expecting, but to see the same rich guy on my doorstep, slide in hand, probably wasn’t it. “Hey, um, I saw what happened, and I thought you might want your shoe back.” His accent sounds very British - I was expecting it to sound more like a snooty Frenchman’s.
“Oh. Um. Thanks.” I say flatly.
As my muscles twitch to begin closing the door, he says, “Would you like some help cleaning that up? I have certifications to give medical aid... and stitches. My name’s Blaise, by the way.”
Doctor, maybe? Probably. “Sure,” I say, opening the door wider and standing back so the blood doesn’t drip on his suit. “I’m y/n.”
A few minutes later we’re in my bathroom, me sitting on the toilet, him sitting on the bathtub as he helps me fix my face. “So, Mademoiselle y/n,” He asks, “Do you find yourself in these predicaments very often?”
“Which one? Poverty, flea bitten, or bloody?” I say.
“I suppose whichever you’d like to think I was referring to.”
“Well, in *that* case - I’m usually caught unawares in all kinds of predicaments - though I’d say self-injury due to clumsiness is an uncommon one. And do you usually find yourself in predicaments requiring you to treat someone’s wounds?”
“I used to, though now it’s only on the occasion.”
“Sounds like an improvement,” I note. “I won’t guarantee it, but I think I’ll get the hang of walking up the stairs soon enough, so you don’t have to worry about me.”
“I wouldn’t necessarily mind it if I did worry about you once or twice more. Why were you running? It seemed like you wanted to get away from something. Does your garbage compactor smell that disturbing?”
“It doesn’t smell great,” I admit, “But truth be told, I’m not a fan of human interaction. It’s scary. Especially when everything is new to me.”
“How long have you been In France?”
“A few days, just enough to get myself physically settled.”
“I see. And you are from America?”
“Mhm. Let me guess, my accent gave it away.”
“And the slang, I’ve yet to hear someone from France use certain terms that you seem to favor.”
“Oh, most of my slang is specific to my city, not just my country.”
“Your city?”
“Yea, Tacoma. It’s near Seattle, if you know where that is. Tacoma’s better, though.”
“I’ve heard of it, but I’ve never been there. My mother is a fashion designer, but she only travels where there’s inspiration or a business deal.” So that’s how he gets the expensive clothes. The rest of the money too, probably.
“Must be nice, having a handmade closet.” I muse. “Not that I care for having any more clothes than I brought. They’re pretty reliable, if I do say so myself.”
He laughs. “Yes, well, if the blood stains don’t come out of your jumpsuit you might need a new one. They shouldn’t be too difficult to remove, though.”
“Yea, I’ll just dump a bucket of Oxi-Clean on it and call it a day. That is, if any stores nearby have it.” I frown, realizing I have no clue if France carries any of the products I usually get. This is gonna suck. Hopefully the internet has some answers so I don’t have to ask anyone for help.
“Why don’t I take your jumpsuit back with me? Save you the trip. Believe it or not, I used to have chronic nosebleeds, so I know a thing or two about stain removal.” Blaise offers.
I smile, only just. “Well, if you insist. But I love this jumpsuit practically more than myself, so I expect it back right away!”
He returns the smile. “A fan of fashion? You ought to meet my mother.”
I chuckle. “I’m sure your mom would despise me - I only own seven jumpsuits and some athleisure for going on runs.” I pause, then tack on: “Oh, and some fuzzy pajamas for when I’m sick.”
Blaise cocks a brow at me. “And when you’re not sick?”
“Don’t worry about it.” I grin mischievously.
A wave of recognition graces his eyes, and he very quickly looks away, I assume for being flustered.
“You Americans, always so scandalous.” He tsks in mock scorn.
“That’s what we’re known for, is it not?” I say cheekily, “Beer, boobs and gun barrels. And all the other problems that come with that, but that’s a can of worms I am not looking to open today.”
He ties off his handiwork, and says, “It looks like my job is finished, other than stealing your jumpsuit off your back to fix it. I can wait in the other room, if you’d like?”
“Um, yea, that works. Lemme just, grab my next jumpsuit. Gonna have to do laundry early, I suppose-“
“I can wash your jumpsuit for you. I’m pretty good at reading labels, if I do say so myself.” He jokes.
“Oh?” I say, “Then you must be a real genius! Who taught you, Einstein?”
“No, but it was another white-haired, eccentric man, so you’re not that far off.”
“When all teachers are like that it’s kind of impossible not to hit relatively close to the mark.” I remark, then change clothes as quickly as I can, tossing the dirty outfit into a trusty plastic bag and tying it shut.
When I walk out to the living room, Blaise is toying with one of my sculptures. He’s definitely been meandering and lurking around. “Enjoying yourself?” I ask, at which he jumps. “You’re rather skittish, Blaise.”
“And you’re rather quiet on your feet, y/n.” He observes. “But yes, I quite like your eclectic style. If only you had an apartment that let your customization shine. Something more minimalist.”
“Yes, well, it’s something I’ll forever dream of and likely never accomplish. I don’t suspect I’m going to be someone leaving the income level I was born into.” I say, just a little bit cynical.
“And why is that?” He asks.
“Because most people don’t, and the ones who do are the ones who make money. My career isn’t going to make me money.” I reply.
“So why did you pick it?”
I sigh. “Because somebody has to care about the people like me. The politicians don’t, the middle class don’t, and the rich are hell bent on keeping us there so they can have factory workers and have people going straight to prison after they graduate because we’re all desperate and miserable.”
He frowns. “That’s terrible.”
“It’s reality. And I don’t want to be like the people who get rich and stop caring because all they see is the wage difference and pretend it’s justified so they don’t have to feel complicit in the system.” I look him in the eye, my face grim. “Not all luck is by chance. Most of it is by design.”
He nods. “I understand, in a way.”
“Everyone does.” I say. “But understanding in a way and caring enough to do something about it are two different things.” I look away from him when I see his posture change. “I’m not trying to be rude, but it’s impossible not to notice the wealth gap between us when you’re wearing designer clothes and living in what looks like a mansion and I’m living in a building made in like 1900 with no elevator. It’s just the way things are, though.”
“I know.” He says quietly, thoughtfully. “I’d better get going. Your clothes?” He reaches out tentatively for the bag I’m still holding.
“Oh. Right.” I say, handing it to him. Our fingers brush against each other slightly, and it sends chills down my spine. He heads to the door while I’m rooted to the spot, collecting myself.
“I look forward to seeing you again, y/n.” He nods, meeting my eyes with a rather changed expression.
“I’ll see you soon, then?” I ask, not quite sure which answer I’m expecting.
He smiles, only just. “As soon as I am able.” Seconds later, he’s out the door, and I’m alone in my dingy ass apartment. How in the fuck did any of that just happen?
#Blaise Zabini#muggle!reader#blaise x reader#slytherin#hogwarts#lady zabini#harry potter#hp#imagine#fanfic#slytherflynn#part 1
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hellooo ur basically the only active person I follow who still has a semi-consistent interest in doctor who, particularly ten’s era bc he is my son hdbdbdkd
I know u said u dont rly have any tma recs bc u mostly remember Vibes Only (which is so fuckin valid hard same tbh) and I assume the same is doubly true for dw but I am Craving The Fics so I was wondering if u either had any dw fic recs or know like. a blog I can trawl for recs I dont feel like braving the wilds of ao3 bdkfbdkd
Okay so I only have a sprinkling of doctor who (really ten and donna) fic recs which are:
so you aren’t as human as you thought you were
if u enjoy a good omens/ doctor who crossovers, I LOVE The Demons Have The Phonebox it has SUCH fun vibes
and i’m going to be self promoting and say my little one shots gathering “A collection of moments” is pretty solid
For people to ask, at least for ten and donna, I would bet that @theplatinthehat @smackalicious @timeisweird and @sensicalabsurdities could give you some recs!
#nat talks doctor who#replies#god i wish u could view ur previous kudos on ao3#you KNOW im bad at bookmarking fics#bonnie-bug
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okay while we're on the subject of eating healthy and exercising, I want to vent/talk about weight loss. This is gonna be a rly controversial, very personal and extremely long post but I do want to make a point. I'm not going to discuss every fucking nuance of haes or my EDs. But for clarity, know that my eds are complicated and were mostly osfeds - minor anorexia osfed in high school and bed osfed when I was 18-19. after i realised how fat i was the minor anorexia came back and over the pandemic it became full scale anorexia nervosa.
I'm 5'3. The healthy weight range I should be in is in the high 40s-low 50s. I went up to TWICE that by the time I was just nineteen years old. It wasn't fun being fat. I consumed as much fat acceptance, fat activism content as I could, I pretended I was confident and happy even when I was fat. But I wasn't. Because people don't just get obese accidentally. A little overweight, yes. But obese? No. You get obese from depression, from giving up. You don't want to move so you don't. You're sad all the time, and the body positivity circles say eat comfort food, whatever and as much as it makes you feel better!! Do you know what that is? That's encouragement of BED. Do not say that. Because I did that. I ate sugar and junk food, I was still depressed.
I was reading these posts that were claiming fat people shouldn't be weighed at the doctor, that your weight shouldn't count, that BMI is incorrect and doesn't matter, etc etc. There were posts saying that they got "perfect bloodwork" (what even is that? I knew that was wrong, I've had chronic iron deficiency for a decade!) even though they were fat, so they had to be healthy, right? I got shown pictures of obese ballerinas and obese weightlifters blah blah blah. And I grew and grew, and I got to almost 85kg on the fast track to 100kg before reality smacked me in the face and I realised I was shortening my lifespan by decades.
Here's what it was like being obese!
- joint pain, constantly
- could barely walk anywhere without feeling out of breath
- couldn't find any fashionable, good quality clothes (plus size stores either carry unfashionable clothing, or fashionable but cheap quality clothing. I don't like to waste money on cheap clothes)
- more acne than I'd had in years
- oily skin
- more difficulty feeling "full"
- JOINT FUCKING PAIN
- rashes from skin rubbing against skin!
- even larger chest, making me MORE dysphoric
- back pain!!
- snoring - this is not just embarrassing. This is potentially deadly.
- DYSPHORIA
- KNEES. JOINT PAIN.
- DYSPHORIA
this was just things I felt physically, noticeably! The things that my fat was doing on the inside was even worse. Fat isn't just this layer of packing peanuts that appears on top of you. It coats your organs. It gets everywhere. It makes your entire body run worse.
Fat also makes it much more likely for you to not just GET cancer, but it it also makes it harder to FIGHT cancer. Being obese makes almost every single goddamn sickness on the planet worse because when you have THAT MUCH fat tissue the hormones and shit it secretes fucks EVERYTHING up.
Yes there are obese bodybuilders. Yes there are obese ballerinas. Let's talk about those two.
There are plenty of drs and dieticians who have pointed out the obvious - if an obese person was really, actually eating healthily and exercising every day, they would not stay obese forever. Its not magic, it's thermodynamics. CICO done right works for everyone. If you are eating healthy, appropriate portions for weight loss at your TDEE and exercising it would literally be IMPOSSIBLE for you not to lose weight!! Even more the heavier you are because when you exercise you carry around a lot more weight.
Obese weightlifters are still obese. They are not proof you can be obese and healthy. They are still going to die younger if they do not lose weight.
Let's talk about fat ballerinas. The only ones I've seen are trainee ballerinas, not professional ones. And their performance looks impressive at first, until you look closer. You notice their balance is never quite perfect, their control can be amazing and the best ever but they'll still be off. Why? Because fat moves around with your movement, and it displaces your balance and your line of movement. It's simply not possible to do something like ballet dancing as a fat person without risking major injury as well. En pointe is already stupid dangerous for the skinniest ballerina. Going en pointe at anything above 60kg is going to get progressively suckier the heavier you go. And god help your ankles because falling down will always end in a major injury.
I'm so fucking done with "fat acceptance". I'm tired of "body positivity" being a movement about obese middle-upper class white women and not about scars and disabilities etc like it was focused on in the start. I have no problems with Health at Every Size - every person should feel happy to workout, to eat healthy. I have no problem raising issue with people bullying others for their weight as well. That's wrong. But pretending that it's Healthy at Every Size is a fucking lie, and it's one that could've sentenced me to an early death. Healthy at Every Size said I was condemned to joint pain and oily skin and depression and exhaustion for the rest of my life based on cherrypicked sentences from studies that didn't agree with them. That "95% of diets fail" sentence in particular drives me up the wall. You don't need a diet to lose weight, you need healthy CICO, you need to eat below your TDEE, you need to eat healthy, and you need to exercise. All you have to do at first is go on a 10-20 minute walk, whatever pace you like, a few times a week.
You can BE fit, you CAN lose weight! You are not sentenced to having joint pain and an increased risk for cancer and a less effective COVID vaccine for life. You can change your body in incredibly ways. You have no idea what you are capable of.
There's this myth that weight loss takes keto and shakes and diet pills and crash diets etc. It doesn't. All it is is making sure you eat less than your TDEE, eating HEALTHY calories, and getting your heartrate up by exercising at least 175 minutes a week.
The human body is not meant to be obese. There's no such thing as a set point weight. There's CICO, there's nutrition, there's making sure your muscles dont atrophy. Weight loss and fitness isn't some magic thing that youre just born able to do. I was lazy throughout my entire teens. I thought fitness was something the popular girls did. It's not. It's for everyone. and everyone, especially in places with an obesity epidemic such as the US, UK, and Australia, should make use of it. It's a good thing. Walking is one of the best things you can do for your body, and it's incredibly rewarding in every way. Eating healthy and not eating until you feel like you're going to burst is rewarding in every way. And it's not like you can't ever have junk food again, you just have to limit it to a treat, a once or twice per week thing. And honestly, it makes it much more enjoyable that way.
Now I want to talk a little about my anorexia. My weight loss journey came to anorexia. This is because it was an eating disorder I'd had for a long time. I did not see a trainer or dietician, and I consciously decided to push myself too far. I consciously decide to eat less and exercise more when I am starving. This is not something that just happens because someone is eating at 1200cals. It happens because you have an eating disorder which you are born with. Saying people who eat 1200cals of healthy food a day and exercise right are "anorexic" is so fucking insulting to everyone involved. It's ableist and ignorant. 1200cals is also a pretty generous amount for anorexic ppl to eat. That's close to a binge in ED standards, so that should give you a reference for how offbase saying 1200cals is "anorexic" is.
My anorexia is healthy habits pushed into eating disorder territory. I eat healthy, yes, but I don't eat enough. I exercise, yes, but I often push myself too far when I'm already lacking energy. The advice I give people for health is correct, and I'm never going to go around saying "eat less than 1200cals" as weightloss advice. Eat less, sure, but there's a limit. Calorie counting is a good thing to do, tracking your macros and nutrients is good. But I do it too much.
I know what's healthy, a lot of ppl with restrictive and purgative EDs do. People with EDs can give some awesome health advice, we just can't follow it because we have a mental disorder. Believe it or not people with EDs discussing their EDs are not "pro-ana", pointing out that anorexia and people with anorexia are real and not some boogeyman you use to justify not losing weight and eating healthy is not pro-ana. Anorexia existing is not pro-ana and anorexics being anorexic has nothing to do with fatphobia.
this post is a rambling mess but i rly had to get some stuff clear on how I feel abt this stuff because it's getting concerning how much unhealthy shit, and then straight up ableist shit, that the fat acceptance crowd spews out.
A little exercise won't kill you, eating healthy won't kill you. You are not sentenced to ugly plus size fashion and joint pain and being out of breath for the rest of your life. Leave the Healthy at Every Size death cult and join the Health at Every Size movement. Let the doctor take your weight (it IS medically necessary). acknowledge that you are obese and it is affecting your health. It's scary but it can be the start of a new, healthy beginning. It was for me.
Losing 15kg has been the best thing in my life. Sure, the anorexia is there enjoying it for one reason. But the reason I truly enjoy it is because I've discovered what a healthier body feels like. I've discovered the joys of exercise, I've discovered the joys of eating healthy. I can fit nice clothes now. And I'm still overweight! I'm 66kg, that's 4kg away from the barest minimum acceptable healthy bmi. But I feel so so much better. I look better. I have a jawline! Good skin! Energy! It didn't fix me but it sure made me a hell of a lot better.
Please please try and eat healthy, eat an appropriate amount, go for walks. It's so so good, and if you do it right you WILL lose weight. You'll live past 50. You'll get to explore the world in a way you couldn't when going up stairs had you out of breath. You'll fit into that nice skirt you've been looking at. Your skin will clear up. You'll have energy and your mental health will improve.
It's so so fucking worth it to put effort into your health, like I cannot emphasise this enough. Please do it, I wish I could tell myself this when I was binging on junk because the FA crowd told me it was valid to comfort eat until I hurt.
#long post#this is mostly a vent but yeah#basically my decision is that im not touching any fat activism fatphobia etc with a ten foot pole#esp on this blog except to discuss my personal experience with it ie this post#personal#ok to rb#sorry for not putting it under a readmore im on mobile
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paybacks | spencer reid
→ summary: the prank war will never stop, not as long as reid and morgan are alive. but, morgan does something unspeakable—he signs reid up for physical education.
→ warnings: none rly ,, but this works better as fem!reader :,,)) i’m sorry
→ word count: 1.6k
→ a/n: based on no.20 from the prompt list ; “i’m gonna hit you.” “what?” “ugh, that came out wrong.” // this is an au that takes place in s7 after the ep “painless” w morgan n reid’s prank war ,, this prompt is golden man // i feel like i was on crack when i wrote this pls enjoy
Paybacks are indeed a bitch.
Spencer stares reproachfully at his name on the New Agent Trainee Physical Fitness Test list. These are new, uncharted waters that he was so harshly tossed into by one, Derek Morgan. His replays his coworkers words over and over again in his mind, “I told you, Kid—I’d get you back. Have fun with those push ups, because after that, I booked a special surprise. Just for you.” He had punctuated his words by placing a smack on the back of Reid’s head. It had echoed throughout the bullpen, along with Garcia and Emily’s laughter.
He trudges to the training facilities alone, a gym bag in tow. Scrutinizing all of the younger NATs, Spencer wonders if he’ll just become another laughing stock. And then, he no longer has to wonder. His mind freezes as he lays his eyes on one of the most horrifying sights of his whole career. No murder scene will ever compare to the hungry eyes of his entire team, ready to tear into his failure. Garcia and Morgan are feasting on a bag of popcorn, while Emily and JJ chat before the start of the test. However, when his eyes move to rest on Hotch and Rossi, a quizzical look paints itself on his features—they’re talking to a woman with refreshing smiles. It’s obvious she makes them laugh, and as soon as she says goodbye—his heart drops as well as the bag off of his shoulder. It’s you.
“Hello, NATs! I’m SSA [Y/N] [Y/L/N] and I’ll be proctoring your Fitness Test!” Your voice reverberates through the gym, it’s strong and clear. Spencer—as well as most of the other male trainees—can’t seem to take his eyes off of you. “Today, you’ll be doing sit ups, push ups, a 300-meter sprint, and a one and a half mile run. Tactical recruits need to see me after the mile and a half run to complete their pull ups. We’ll get started in a second—I have to check something first.” You start towards Reid, leaving the new agents to talk among themselves for a few moments. His eyes widen at the sudden movement, and he scrambles to pull himself together, despite being dressed in his old Academy t-shirt and shorts that are just barely his size. “Dr. Reid? I would say it’s nice to see you, but honestly—I’m not really sure what to say right now. What are you doing here, and why in God’s name are you signed up for my hand-to-hand class after this?”
Spencer can no longer speak English. He desperately tries to rack his brain for an answer, but all he can manage is, “I’m what?” Panic washes over the Good Doctor’s face, as he stares down at both of his hands, wringing them nervously. Hand-to-hand? Sparring? Getting hit? None of that was exactly his forte.
“Yeah, your name is most definitely on both of my activities today. The NATs’ Fitness Exam and my Female Hand-to-hand class—and believe me, I have no idea how you managed to do that.” For a second, his pride is damaged, but absolute fury replaces it almost immediately. He directs his flaming gaze to Morgan, who merely smirks back at him. Spencer has to fight the urge to rip it right off of his lips. “Dr. Reid? I have to get back to my trainees, but you’re welcome to come be my bad example.” Surprisingly, he laughs at your joke, and a wave of relief courses through you. It’s not everyday that you get to see Spencer Reid in the flesh—much less actually talk with him.
With a tight grin, he nods and follows you back to the new recruits. He hears you launch into the instructions for the test. Of course, he’s had them memorized since he was 22. Eventually, it’s time for the exam. “Trainees, this is my colleague, Dr. Reid. And, normally, we don’t do this—but today, to appease the members of his team, he’ll be my partner, so that one of you doesn’t have to. Dr. Reid was granted an exemption from the Fitness Test when he first joined the Bureau, and he hasn’t completed another one since. Please, kids, go easy on him.” Glancing over at him with a toothy grin, you gesture for him, as well as another pair of trainees, to take a seat on the floor.
“[Y/N], I can do ten sit ups on a good day.” Spencer’s words coax hearty laughter from you as you follow him onto the ground, getting ready to hold his feet down.
A serious expression takes over your face as you set the timer on your phone. “You better hope that this is one of those days, Dr. Reid—otherwise, your team won’t let you forget it.” Leaning away from him, you press the Start Timer button and bellow a loud, “Go!”
Obviously, you’re not watching him as he does his sit ups; your eyes are glued to the other pair of new female trainees, making sure that their count matches up with yours. However, Spencer can’t help but look at you. Each time he comes up, he inhales the intoxicating scent of your perfume. Even in the heat, you smell of vanilla and laundry detergent. If he’s being honest, it’s really the only thing that kept him from quitting after Sit Up Number Five. The timer sounds after his twenty fifth sit up, and he’s never heard a more beautiful sound in his life. But, 25 sit up means a score of negative two, which isn’t exactly a hole that he can dig himself out of.
Stifling your laughter, you offer him a hand and rocket him off the ground. “Well, Dr. Reid, you completed more than ten. That’s a plus.” He tries to smile, he really does, but he can’t bring himself to do anything but hunch into himself. “You can’t quit on me, though. We still have three more parts to do! Push ups are next! Kids and Doctor, please prepare yourselves!”
The rest of the exam goes by without a hitch. Spencer isn’t one to complain, but ending with a score of three did bother him a little bit. While all the other NATs chatted after the 1.5 mile run, Spencer takes a seat on the scorching bleachers, choosing to ignore the burning of his skin. He chugs through three water bottles in the same time it takes you to count the Tactical recruits’ pull ups, and after, he’s surprised to see you heading towards him. A sweet, yet somewhat teasing smile creeps onto your lips as you stand in front of him, observing the three empty bottles. “Dr. Reid, was this all a prank?” Your question makes him snort into the water that he’s downing. “You know you could’ve just not shown up? I’m sure that would’ve rubbed Derek the wrong way—I’m a little disappointed that you didn’t turn this back on him. But, now that you’re here and you’ve done all this ... how about we go back to the gym and do a little hand-to-hand? Just for fun before my class starts?”
Spencer doesn’t process your words; he merely follows you blindly back into the gym and watches as you pull out sparring equipment. He’s only pulled from his trance when you throw him a pair of gloves and head gear. “C’mon, Reid—put in a mouth guard and get over here. I’m gonna teach you what to do next time Derek annoys you.” He hops up and out of his daze, trudging over to you hesitantly.
“[Y/N], I don’t know about this ... I’m gonna hit you,” you stare at him as if he’s grown another head. Spencer squirms internally under your unwavering gaze.
“What?” You giggle, holding out both of your gloved hands for him to bump, “Well, yeah, Spencer. That’s kind of the point. But, if that’s what you’re worried about—don’t worry. I hit back.” The wink that you give him makes his heart beat a million miles a minute. He melts away into the vinyl floor, only arriving back on planet Earth when you place a playful punch on his shoulder.
“No, I-I—ugh, that came out wrong. I mean, I’m going to be forced to hit you, and I don’t know if I can bring myself to do it,” Spencer rambles whilst fidgeting with the mitts in his hands, “Y-You’re just too nice and smart, I don’t think I could manage hurting you, you know?” When he finally meets your gaze, he’s attacked with the sight of the rest of his team—sans Rossi and Hotch—crowded at the door and your sarcastically quirked brow. Taking a step closer, you begin to intimidate him. Your eyes bore through his skin, making him a bit uncomfortable. However, before he can back away, you crack your mouth open into an emphatically saccharine beam.
Snatching the opportunity in front of you, you lean even closer to whisper in his ear, “No offense, Dr. Reid, but I highly doubt you could hurt me.” Spencer explodes into a blabbering, blushing mess. Morgan and Garcia’s hoots sound from the threshold, effectively sobering the Boy Genius up. A shot of liquid courage surges through his veins, as he pulls away from you.
“Could I, maybe, take you to dinner?” He attempts to calm the nerves in the pit of his stomach. Spencer’s fingers drum gently against his thigh, stopping when you reach up to pat his cheek. It’s a little awkward, considered that you’re essentially punching him in the face, but you’re both smiling nonetheless. He’s so enraptured by you that he doesn’t even flinch when you shove the head gear even further into his chest.
Narrowing your eyes, you shoot him a somewhat coquettish smirk, “Land three punches on me, and I’ll clear my schedule on Friday. Do we have a deal, Doc?”
“Deal.”
Sure, paybacks are a bitch—but at least the Good Doctor has a date and a couple bruises to remember you by until then.
#mine#spencer reid#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid x reader#dr spencer reid#criminal minds#criminal minds fanfiction#cm#derek morgan#penelope garcia#emily prentiss#jennifer jareau#aaron hotchner#david rossi#luke alvez#matt simmons#tara lewis
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look i kno i said i wasnt gna bring a 6th until i was caught up w replies bt i kno gunner well n therefore felt like he deserved his time to shine in the rp so i beg of u pls plot w him looks at u all like :B
* axel auriant, cis man + he/him | you know gunner paxton, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, four years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to bizarre love triangle by new order like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole curling up for days in bed wearing a hello kitty comfort shirt, stuttering in the face of affection, and hand me downs two sizes too big thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is july 31st, so they’re a leo, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( bri, 23, est, they/them )
background.
middle child of the paxton family, cliff being the eldest and wyatt being the youngest :D
they lived at the top of a hill in a trailer in a trailer park neighbourhood in laramie, wyoming so to say the least that fucking sucked for everyone involved
the trailer was so small that all 3 boys ended up sharing a room, gunner and wyatt sharing a bunk bed bc they cldnt fit 3 beds into one room it really was every childs nightmare bt they quickly grew used to it tbh
gunner was always more of an artsy child than invested in sports - though he does enjoy baseball and continued even to this day after their dad made him join SOMETHING in middle school - so he never rly earned their father’s respect, but he was always close with his mom since they had the same calm temperament
(depression/anxiety tw) he also gained a list of mental health issues that their mom had as well, including social anxiety and major depressive disorder
(violence/abuse tw) their father always encouraged pretty volatile behaviour and it caused a lot of physical fights and arguments between the brothers when their dad told them the best way to get over it was to start hurting until someone tapped out, it was just a chaotic and pretty abusive household but no one knew and their mom definitely wasn’t going to say anything about it to their dad
(missing child/kidnapping/anxiety/depression tw) wyatt went missing on a weekend that their parents were gone because of a trip they won, and things just got worse from there, high school was really rough for gunner, his anxiety grew worse as time went on that no one found wyatt, their dad grew more hostile towards them, cliff left home in the middle of the night never to be seen again (merely leaving a note so that the family didn’t think they had a case of two kidnapped children), and their mom just grew sicker, it was rare that she would ever leave her room and if she did it was in fits of random energy where she would do something spontaneous and completely unnecessary to their house as a way of coping
the two years that gunner was at home after cliff left were pretty brutal and as soon as he could, he was fleeing wyoming and going to school in irving
(internalized homophobia tw) things are far better now that he’s out of his home situation, but ofc he still has a few personal things he’s working thru; the paxton’s were raised in an incredibly religious household, and he’s got some classic Catholic Guilt going on upon realizing that he’s not jst attracted to women n he avoided talking abt it forever/stayed in the closet fr far too long bt he’s sort of come out now in his own way even tho he does still get a bit nervous talking abt it rly
he’s also ‘dealing’ rn (just pharmaceuticals) which is frankly funny to think abt bc this man is abt as threatening as a care bear bt money is tight all things considering and a librarian job doesn’t rly cover it, and with the amount of meds he’s on, plus incredibly frequent doctor’s visits, needing to pay for extra epi-pens, inhalers, etcs. bills add up so he’s cutting back his meds n selling wht he can spare which is . so unhealthy bt thts life in corporate america baybee!
details.
is literally allergic to everything. grass, cats, most fruits, milk, most nuts, bees, latex, probably more i cnt even keep up w them its pathetic
u can catch him strutting around town w his blinged out epipen holder (aka blinged out w pins of his fav horrors movies) LKSHDGKLHSKLDG
if things cldnt get worse he also has quite intense asthma so he carries an inhaler with him at all times
n to make matters even WORSE he frequently has dizzy spells n bad memory problems bc of all the concussions he’s suffered from (about 8-9 at this point) as well as consistent migraines that can b literally debilitating sometimes
awkward n jst a bit of a Weirdo to b frank like he barely knows how to converse with ppl
didnt have any friends in high school so took the time to teach himself rly weird things, knows a fuck ton of magic tricks, can yodel, juggle, solve a rubix cube with his eyes closed in under 30 seconds, just extremely weird and specific things
can honestly b a bit mean/barbaric to ppl he’s not close w/doesn’t kno - has told ppl to their face before he doesn’t enjoy talking to them bc he has no concept of social constructs/norms
loves 2 film random things at parties, makes him feel more comfortable at them n he makes short films of them all after
going off that fact he did a film internship in nyc during the summer and is trying to find a job in that field
doesn’t realize demisexuality is a thing so he’s never been that fond of sex but has this stigma in his mind that that makes him Broken so he still Tries n it jst doesnt go well tugs my shirt collar
connections.
ppl who r more into under the counter meds than Hard Drugs n buy off him?? probs wld have to kno him some way hes too scared to sell to Random randoms
ppl he went to school w? :D
some friends………. hes awkward bt he means well…………
ppl he has a crush on/unrequited crushes either way wtvr floats ur boat he crushes quite easily but never does anything abt it fr the most part
a mans he wld Risk It All fr (aka a guy tht he actually has a crush on n is Extra Awkward probs a lil mean to bc hes still New to That)
some enemies tbh, he has a temper n he tends to blow up rarely bt it happens n when it does it actually can b quite scary JKSHDGLHSDG
a muse….. mayhaps?? someone he always wants in his film projects
awkward past hook ups/one night stands where one of them cut ties off cuz every time they got together gunner acted like he was embalming a body for a funeral
current hook ups/fwb’s w ppl he’s actually close w/is comfortable w so its nowhere near as bad SDKHSLDGHKLSDGH
Anything u Desire
#irvingintro#depression tw#anxiety tw#violence tw#abuse tw#missing child tw#kidnapping tw#internalized homophobia tw#tugs my shirt collar at all those tws............. SLKDHGLKHSDGKLHSDKLGHSDG#as per usual i didnt proofread lets all pray bri didnt make a mistake.
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