#i would like to not have serious disorder(s) and be stuck in this situation and have every professional shrug at me when i ask for help!!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

heyitsmerose · 3 years

Text

Ateez Reaction to their s/o having pmdd (Maknae Line)

PMDD - (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder) Is a menstrual disorder that many women have that causes extremely painful period cramps, nauseousness, sever mood swings and is overall quite frustrating to deal with. I am writing this imagine from my experience of pmdd, however remember everyone’s body is different, and in no way do I want to generalise any illness. Okay thank you, happy reading! :)

Word Count: 2.5k

Mature Language*

Smut content

San:

It was a normal day at the dorm, and you and San hadn’t seen each other in a while. Deciding to pay him a visit, you made your way to their dorm to surprise him. You packed some dinner and made your way to the dorm. Upon reaching, you were greeted by Seonghwa and Hongjoong, who were also at the dorm at the time, the rest had gone out, either to practice, or just to do something else. You entered San’s room and sat on his bed waiting for him. He was in the washroom taking a bath, and so you just simply waited for a bit.

About 10 minutes later, San emerged from the washroom with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. Once he saw you asleep on the bed, he chuckled and got changed as quietly as possible, trying not to wake you up. After he was done, he decided to sit next to you wake you up gently.

“Babe, it’s me, wake up now please, I wanna see youu” He whined. You readjusted in the bed and got up feeling a little dazed.

You got up and just observed him. The way he was smiling so lovingly at you, the way he had both arms under you, holding the small of your back, lifting you up, his sweet yet husky scent, the way his wet hair was pushed back, the way the thin black fabric of his full sleeved button up allowed you to see all his defined muscles, and you couldn’t help but think about how perfect he was. Still in a daze, you just whispered a hello, and being the affectionate person San was, he immediately took you in his lap and sat you down facing him. He tucked a piece of your hair behind your ear and you hugged him tighter. You hid your face in his chest as you tried to work out and process these weird emotions. You felt bubbly and weird, with a lump forming in your throat.

“Hey, look at me hun!” He teased, laughing and giggling, while lifting your chin up. He pressed a kiss to your nose and that sent you off the edge. Soon, warm tears started pouring out your eyes and you couldn’t form any words.

“Y/N, Y/N, Babe, are you alright, did I hurt you?” He panicked taking your face in both of his hands. You couldn’t get any words out and simply sobbed. You didn’t know what you were feeling and why you were feeling these feelings and tried to stop, but to no avail.

“I-, I-,” You tried getting out, but unable to take in enough air, you weren’t able to speak.

“Hey, hey, hey, Y/N, take it easy, breath in and breath out, I’m sorry if I did something to upset you.” He pouted and looked at you.

“No!” You suddenly interrupted taking him by surprise

“I just love you so much, and I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m an emotional mess, why are you so perfecttt” You rambled, whining your words at the end, and crying again. By this point you had gotten the attention of Hongjoong and Seonghwa too, and they were watching the both of you secretly through the doorway.

“Wait, what?” San asked a little confused.

“I said you’re so perfect, you’re just so fucking amazing and you make me feel these emotions that I’ve never felt before, I just feel so lucky and happy that you’re mine, it’s overwhelming.” You said finally, getting that off your chest.

“Well, I love you too Y/N, and I bet I love you more” he said with his eyes full of tears too. It was overwhelming to him too, how much you loved and valued him.

“Yah, San-ah I’m on my period I’m allowed to act all sappy and moody, you’re nott” You both chuckled and laughed at each other.

“Well, what can I do, I just love you so much” he replied and you wiped his tears. You heard whistles from the doorway and knew it was Hongjoong and Seonghwa.

You stayed as close to each other as possible for the rest of the evening, not even leaving one another to go anywhere.

Mingi:

You were on your period and Mingi was well aware of it. A few days before your period you always felt a little needy, and by now Mingi was used to your mood swings and weird behaviour. What he didn’t anticipate however, was you having pmdd. Neither did you. He’s had girlfriends before, and although he didn’t mean to compare, he noticed your symptoms were a little more extreme compared to everyone else. In fact, he was the one that suggested you go to the doctor, and thus here you were.

You had come to the OB/GYN with your boyfriend Mingi, since he was concerned for you. You always went through this, and been doing so for the past 10 years, so you didn’t think much of it. However when Mingi once came across you throwing up and crying in pain, he knew something was wrong. He found that you had been hiding your symptoms to not bother him. As you had expected, the second he found out, he freaked out and booked an appointment with the doctor. At the moment, you were answering a few questions about your symptoms and were surprised to find that every single symptom matched yours. You just assumed that everyone went through this every month, apparently not. You were starting to get worried. What if you weren’t normal, what if there was actually something really wrong with you. You interlaced your fingers with Mingi, and filled out the rest of the forms, describing your symptoms to the nurse. The nurse noted down your symptoms, sighed and left the room. You started biting your nails and bouncing your knee, your were getting nervous.

“Hey, Y/N” Mingi called to you lovingly “What’s wrong, you seem nervous”

“Mingi, what if it’s something serious, like what if I have cancer or something?” You suddenly blurted out. Mingi frowned and took both your hands in his.

“Hey, don’t say that, for all we know, it could be normal and you would just need a few meds, I promise It won’t be as bad as you think” He assured you, but inside he was just as nervous and scared, if not, maybe even a little more than you.

A few minutes later, the nurse arrived inside the room with your results printed on a piece of paper. She handed it to you, and you read through it while also trying to pay attention to what she was saying.

“Miss, Y/N, you most likely have, what’s known as Premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Its similar to PMS but is a little more severe. It won’t cause too much trouble to your life however we’d suggest taking birth control to help reduce the symptoms slightly” She suggested looking at the both of you. She proceeded to leave to room to give you both some space. You looked up at Mingi, and he smiled back down at you.

“See, it’s nothing too serious, besides, birth control gives us an excuse to have more sex” He laughed at you while you playfully shoved him.

You were thankful to have such a caring boyfriend like Mingi, who always looked out for you. For the months and years to come, he always made sure you took your medicines and eased the pain and helped in whatever way he could.

Wooyoung:

You and Wooyoung were such a power couple. Both of you being complete crackheads, there was not one day that was boring in your relationship. You always knew how to match each others energy and took risks together. That’s what you loved about him, his ability to keep up with your crazy personality. In fact, it’s quite cheesy, but you truly completed each other, he knew you inside and out and you knew him completely too.

You had come out to a restaurant to just spend some time with one another and were enjoying each other’s company. It was rare to have moments like these, where it was just the both of you, and you loved spending time with each other.

You were halfway through dinner, eating your appetisers, when all of a sudden, you felt a wet feeling down your leg. You cursed realising you could have potentially leaked out of your tampon, and excused yourself to go use the washroom. Once you left, you quickly wobbled to a stall and pulled your underwear down to check. As you predicted, you had in fact leaked, but it was worse than you thought. The bottom of your dress was completely stained red, and your underwear was completely soaked in blood. You tampon was lost somewhere in the red ocean of blood and you had no clue what to do. You realised you left your phone on the table, so you couldn’t do anything. You sat on the toilet, with nothing to do just contemplating what you should do next.

Meanwhile, Wooyoung was just waiting for you on the table itself. After around 20 minutes passed, he started to get worried and checked his phone to see check if he got any messages from you. He then glanced to your side and noticed your phone still there on the table. Looking back at his phone he checked the time... and the date. Cursing to himself quietly, he realised that it was that time of the month, and knowing you had pmdd, he knew something must have probably happened. Without another thought, he ran to the washroom slamming the door open.

“Y/N? Babe? are you there?” You heard Wooyoungs voice call out.

“Wooyoung? Thank god, I’m like stuck here and I don’t know what to do.” You said relieved that he finally noticed you were gone.

“Okay, no one’s here in the washroom, I’m locking the washroom door, could you open your stall door?” You obliged and opened your stall door, greeting him with a bunch of blood on the floor and completely destroyed underwear. He snickered at your situation began removing him pants.

“Woo, what the fuck are you doing?” You asked him thinking he was going crazy.

“Calm down, just take my boxers and like wrap them in some tissue paper, it should work as a makeshift pad. Also I’ll give you my denim jacket, just tie it around your waist or something” He said removing his underwear. You quickly agreed and wore his underwear after stuffing it with tissue paper. He then gave you his jacket and you wrapped it around your waist. He pulled back up his pants, threw your underwear in the dustbin and cleaned up after you. You were in that point of your relationship where both of you were completely comfortable with eachother, so this was nothing major. Once he was done and walked in front of you, you took the opportunity to smack his ass.

“Wow, maybe you should just not wear underwear” You laughed at him

“Very funny” He sarcastically responded back.

Jonho:

You were at Jongho’s place and were just laying on his bed. You both had been dating for not too long, around 1 month at max, and you still always felt a little uncomfortable, or rather self conscious and insecure around him. Besides, he was everyones dream guy, with a voice sweeter than honey and not to mentioned those muscles, while you were just, you. You tried your best to always act as nice and proper as you could, and still hadn’t completely opened up to him yet. Jongho on the other hand, was falling for you, hard. He was absolutely smitten and no other person had ever made him feel this way. He loved when you visited as you got to spend time with each other.

You were just on your phone, while he was downstairs getting something to eat. You popped a breath mint in your mouth, and readjusted your position to get more comfortable. After laying there for a few minutes, Jongho came back with some strawberries and chocolate, the perfect, lowkey yet romantic food ever. You made sure to eat them slowly and properly, too scared you’d scare him away by scarfing them down. Jongho on the other had, had no problem eating them quickly. You just laughed at him and looked at him lovingly. He noticed you staring at him and a bright smile spread across his face. Wanting to get a little closer, he took the first step and decided to pull you closer to him by your waist. You jumped a little at the movement, but soon scooted towards him, and laid your head on his shoulder. Trying to ease the tension and make the situation a little less awkward, Jongho put his hand on the bed, around you. What he didn’t anticipate however was for there to be a wet spot, of blood. He quickly peeked behind you and saw a giant spot of blood, where you were sitting before. Not wanting to embarrass you, he calmly said...

“Hey, Y/N, you seem to have had a little accident, don’t worry, I’ll clean it up, I have a hoodie you can wear, and you can borrow my boxers too, if you’d like. I’ll just get some pads from the nearby pharmacy too, just a sec” He said smiling at you and getting up. However for you, this was your worst nightmare.

“Wait what?” You looked to your side to see a giant red patch of blood on his light blue sheets. You gasped and to your horror, he had already gotten up pulling the bedsheets off.

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry, I’ll deal with it, please come back in a few minutes or something, I don’t want you to see me like this, please” You begged him tears leaving your eyes from panic and embarrassment. He didn’t move however, continuing on with what he was doing.

“No, no, no, Jongho, please, this is so embarrassing, please, I’ll clean it up” You said, your voice cracking multiple times. Jongho immediately left what he was doing and walked to you holding your chin with his fingers.

“Hey, hey, hey Y/N, you have no reason to be embarrassed, this is natural and I love you, it’s alright.” He said, not realising the impact of his words

“You love me?” You asked clarifying, maybe your ears had deceived you.

“Um, well, yeah-” He said stuttering a blush growing on his cheeks. You took the opportunity and for the first time in your relationship, you kissed him softly and responded...

“I love you too”

#Ateez x reader #ateez fanfic #ateez ff #ateez fanfiction #ateez jongho #ateez san #ateez mingi #ateez wooyoung #mingi #jongho #wooyoung #san #ateez whump #ateez angst #ateez fluff #ateez sad #ateez bad period #pmdd ff

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marvel-holland-love · 3 years

Text

Never enough

Type:

angst / fluff

Pairing: Tom Holland x reader

Warning: Eating disorder, self hate, body dysmorphia

Summary: You’ve been dealing with an eating disorder for some time now but haven’t told anyone until Tom starts to notice something in your behavior that leads him to worry and so he keeps an eye on you and sees something that exposes your secret.

Word count: 2,362

A/N: Hi everyone, hope you enjoy this imagine, as I said in the warnings, this imagine includes detailed eating disorder talk, this is my first imagine so I hope you like it, i also speak spanish so sorry if there is something wrong with my grammar. I’m already writing another imagine which Ill post soon, at the bottom is my masterlist and there I’ll have the imagines I make. Hope you enjoy and have a great day!

y/n: your name

y/n/n: your nickname

y/l/s: your last name

If you have an eating disorder and need help, you can find it here https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support

You and Tom have been together for about 1 year and 5 months, you love each other dearly and tell each other everything, but there is one secret you decide its best to stay secret, which is that you've dealt with an eating disorder since you were 17 years old, and now you were 22 years old. You found ways to hide it from him, to hide the meal skipping, the purging, the excessive exercise, everything that came with your disorder.

Tom had noticed since the beginning that you had a bit of a small frame, but he thought you had a fast metabolism or that that was the way you were, but he never thought you had an eating disorder until he started to notice somethings on your behaviour that started to worry him.

- Today -

3rd person POV:

You were coming through the door of the Holland household after your 2 hour run, it was 9:00 a.m at the moment. You were walking through the door when a sudden hit of dizziness struck you and you stumbled a little while you started to get your vision blurred with black spots. Harry was walking by to go to the kitchen when you came in and he noticed your pale face and stumbling, so he went over to you to check on you. That's when you felt someone grab your arm and say something to you, that you couldn't quite put together. You turned around to look at the person and noticed through blurred images that it was Harry, that's when you spoke.

y/n POV:

“Harry?” you said still feeling like you were going to faint, “y/n/n, what happened, are you okay?” he said with a worried tone. You didn't know quite what to say, you could barely make out the words that came out of his mouth, but you understood it enough to give him somewhat of an answer, “Yeah, im fine,” you said not even convincing yourself on that answer “I guess I just got a little dizzy, didn’t drink water before going on my run, better go do that” you said knowing how unconvincing that answer was, but still going to the kitchen in order to avoid the conversation you didn’t want to have. I heard him say something to me, but I didn’t quite catch it so I just ignored it and kept walking.

Harry’s POV:

I watched y/n/n come in the door, but she was really pale and I noticed that she started to tumble. When I got near her, I asked what was wrong, but I guess she didn't hear me because she didn't answer, so I got near her and held her up so she wouldn’t fall and that's when she spoke; “Harry?” she said, but I could sense something wrong in her tone so I asked her again what happened and she just answered that she didn’t drink water before her run which didn’t convince me at all, because I’ve known her long enough to know when something in her tone hints that something is wrong. After I saw her start to walk towards the kitchen, I decided to ask her if she had eaten anything before her run but before I could finish my sentence she was already out of my reach. So I decided to tell Tom, there was something I really didn’t like about this so I knew the one person who could get to her should know.

3rd person POV:

Y/n was in the kitchen drinking water when Tom came in, already on board of what had happened, so he wanted to have some proof that his theory wasn’t true, because he already had an idea of what might be going on.

y/n POV:

I saw Tom come in the kitchen, but he had an expression on his face that gave me a reason to believe Harry may have told him what had happened. I tried to put on the best face I could with a somewhat believable smile, so he wouldn't come with conclusions, even though he had already formed conclusions since he started to notice your weird behavior. “Hey darling, how was your run?” He asked, but he wanted to see if you would deny what had happened previously, “It was great,” you said which caused him to give you a questionable look “I just forgot to drink water so I got a little dizzy when I came into the house, but now i'm perfectly fine” you said hoping to change the course this conversation was turning, “Oh, and did you eat before you when on your run?” he asked already knowing your answer, “No, I wasn't hungry” you said with a more defensive tone. “Oh great, then we can have breakfast together, because after that run, you bet you are eating something babe ” you wanted to say you weren't hungry or make any excuse to not eat because, how could you eat, after all the effort the run took do to your lack of energy, just to throw it all over the border, just like that for some stupid calories you didn't want to have in your body, but you knew he was already worried and suspicious of you, so rejecting his offer would just bring more attention to the topic, so you agreed “Sure! What do you want?” you said hoping to sound convincing, but failing miserably.

Toms POV:

When I came in the kitchen, I looked at y/n/n and actually took notice of the weight she had lost and her pale face. I realized that what I'd been pushing to the bottom of my mind, might actually be a problem. I had started to notice how y/n/n skipped meals but she always gave a convincing excuse, so I convinced myself to not look through it, I also notice how when we had a meal together, she would cut her food in tiny pieces and play around with it, and only eat a portion of it, also that when she was “done” she would drink a lot of water and go to the bathroom immediately. And her intense workouts as well, after what Harry told me, I started to put the pieces together and realized that what I feared might be the situation here, no matter how much I want it to be a piece of my imagination, I fear that y/n might have and eating disorder, but I won’t make any serious accusations until I’m 100% sure. That's why after a little bit of talking with her, I managed to make her get breakfast with me, “Sure! What do you want?” she told me in what I guess was a miserable try of sounding excited, “Ummm, we should make pancakes! Yeah, pancakes will be.” I said trying to lighten the tension that was in the room “Su-sure” she answered but the stutter on her voice, I could tell she was nervous about something. “I'm gonna go tell the others we are making pancakes for breakfast” I said before leaving to tell the others.

3rd persons POV:

After a while of cooking, you and Tom placed the pancakes on the table and called everyone to eat.

Everyone was sitting down and eating but you couldn't get the voice in your mind to shut up and at least let you enjoy one meal with your boyfriend and his family. That's when you noticed Tom and Harry were looking at you at times with worry in their eyes, so you started to eat to get any suspicion away from you, but it was too late for that.

y/n POV:

Every time you took a bite of your food your mind was going crazy and your intrusive thoughts were kicking your ass.

Why are you eating You are SO fat how can you be eating You don't deserve food If you get fat, Tom is gonna leave you If you get fat, no one is going to love you Correction, no one loves you You are a piece of crap You look like a fucking whale, WHY ARE YOU EATING?!?!!

You don’t know how much time passed but Nikkie and Dom had already gotten up from the table and you could feel tears welling up my eyes and one or two down my cheeks I quickly cleaned them from my cheeks in hopes no one saw them but Tom noticed them just that he decided to not say anything until we were alone. So after finishing my pancakes to not bring up suspicion I decided it was time to go to the bathroom and get rid of my guilt. Before going I drank water and excused myself “Be right back” but what I wasn’t expecting was for Tom to start making questions, “Where are you going y/n/n” “Oh, I’m going to the bathroom” “Why do you always go to the bathroom after eating?” I started to get really nervous and think, why was he asking so many questions, I knew I needed to get out of here ASAP, “Dunno, guess you just gotta go when you gotta go.”

After telling him that, I sprinted as fast as I could to the bathroom, but I was in such a rush that I forgot to lock the door. I got on my knees in front of the toilet and stuck my fingers in my throat until I started to feel everything coming out. My mind was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t hear Tom walk in the hallway or get into the bathroom, but the next thing I felt was a pair of arms embracing me in a hug and stroking my hair in a comforting way.

Toms POV:

After y/n/n got up from the table I had a gut feeling I had to follow her, I don't know what it was, I don’t know if it was the way she said it or the look on her eyes, but I knew something was going on. After maybe 2 minutes, I got up and followed her to the bathroom but when I got to the hallway I heard it. I started to hear muffled sobs and gagging and I instantly knew what was going on. I got to the door to open and noticed it was unlocked, which surprised me because I thought it would be locked. When I got in, I froze, seeing y/n/n so vulnerable and in this situation, it just made me want to hold her near me and never let her go and tell her how much I love her and how beautiful she is, also to tell her that everything is alright and that I’ll never leave her, I just wanted to hold her and stay like that forever.

I ran to her and kneeled next to her and held her in my arms, by the shock in her face, I could guess she didn’t hear me come in so I started to struck her hair to try and comfort her and the instant I did that, she started to sob.

y/n POV:

I started to sob into Toms arms and couldn't help but think that he was going to hate me or leave me so I started to apologize, “I-I-I-m so so-sorry T-T-Tom, I didn’t mean for it to get to this,” “Im s-s-sorry”

After that I left a muffled cry out since now my face was facing his chest. He said something but in between my cries I didn't understand it.

How could you forget the lock of the door!

You are so stupid, his gonna leave you

You are so disgusting

He probably thinks you are a waste of time or a lost cause

How could you expose yourself like this

I HATE YOU

I couldn’t stop the voices in my head. I just wanted to turn them off, I just wanted to scream. This only made me cry harder into Tom and he continued comforting me without saying a word until I calmed down a little, when I was able to slow my cries I decided to speak, “Tommy, please help me, turn the voices off, j-j-just please h-h-he-help me please”

Toms POV:

After y/n/n cried in my chest for some time while I tried to comfort her, she said something that broke my heart, “I-I-I-m so so-sorry T-T-Tom, I didn’t mean for it to get to this,” “Im s-s-sorry” she sounded in so much pain and I just wanted to take it all and make her stop feeling it, I couldn't see her like that, it broke my heart, so I responded “It’s okay baby, everything will be alright, i promise princess” I don’t think she heard me cause she didn’t say anything after, but at this point I started to feel the tears well up in my eyes so I just hugged her and let her cry as long as she needed in my chest.

After a while, she spoke again and what she said made me shed some tears because I just wanted to make it better, but i didn't know how, but I knew I would do everything I could to make it better, “Tommy, please help me, turn the voices off, j-j-just please h-h-he-help me please” to that I responded feeling a lump in my throat, trying to make the words that came out of my mouth as steady as I could, but not achieving it completely, “Everything is going to be alright baby, I promise, I'm not gonna let you alone, I’ll be with you through every step of the way, I promise everything will be alright princess”

After that pulled her into my lap and held her until she fell asleep from the crying, while I was holding her, I noticed how small and innocent she looked and i realized that I loved her so much that I would do everything to get her back to health and happiness, and I would turn off the voices that kept tormenting her mind, she was my baby and I wouldn't give up on her nor let her go.

MASTERLIST

#tom holland #harry holland #sad #fluff #comfort #boyfriend tom holland #sweet tom holland #mental illness #menatl health #get help #you are worthy #love you #eating disorder #tom holland and eating disorder

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my-darling-boy · 4 years

Note

hiya. hope this isnt too personal; if yes: i am very sorry and feel free to completely ignore this! It’s about ed/body dysmorphia and dysphoria. So I’ve been suffering from anorexia for quite some time and think i am trans but me being unable to discern “disordered” thoughts from my real thoughts I started doubting my “transness”. I dont want to go into detail since it might be tiggering but did you ever experience anything similar? I would really appreciate some tips.

Ahh firstly I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that! Secondly, I have Much to say about this because trans people often suffer from EDs and it’s not something I see talked a lot about, but it’s a very serious matter in the trans community. So far EVERY trans person I have known irl has had a form of an ED at one point in their life. It is actually more common than you think for a trans person to have body dysphoria AND dysmorphia at the same time!

My own ED started because of outside pressure from cis people, and cis men especially, who shamed me into prioritising looking traditionally masculine, gauging my validity based on how well I—and I don’t like using the word but—“passed”, and so I felt the need to drastically alter my figure. I got abused by people who kept telling me I couldn’t be a real gay man unless I looked like X or did Y to my body, so I was roped into bad habits to fit to their biased expectations.

I also know it was a way for me to “control” my life when things didn’t go as planned, as a therapist once pointed out, and so restriction was a way for me to take charge of SOMETHING in my life when I felt so helpless to change other things, like my wait time for surgery or name changes, etc. Which is why I know trans people suffering from EDs must be having a very hard time right now during these Current Events because life seems out of control. It’s also why cyber bullying and other forms of abuse can also trigger these disorders, not just from people body shaming a trans person, but also because you can feel a lack of control to handle the abuser(s).

Trans people can also see eating disorders as a form of self harm because of the depression one might suffer due to transphobia or other negative factors. Self punishment can also manifest in the form of harmful restrictive/excessive eating. A trans person may have such poor self esteem or have a history of abuse and view the absence of food or nourishment, or eating to the point of being sick, as a self inflicted penalty for feeling ashamed to be trans, or for another related issue.

My own anorexia stemmed from all of these, from the transphobia and stress I was experiencing as a trans person.

It’s interesting you bring up dysphoria and dysmorphia, because I would now say I have next to no dysphoria—because I am a man and it’s feels wrong/incorrect to think of myself as any different—so therefore, with my gender issues out of the way, now I’m just a man dealing with male body issues which don’t exactly feel directly related to gender dysphoria, if that makes sense? And in your situation, I get the two together can be pretty hard to distinguish between!

But like I was going to answer in another ask, and something I think a lot of people forget (and may be helpful to figure out one feeling from the next): being trans is deeper than surface level. I think because of the way it’s portrayed on social media, as stereotypes, and so forth, people get wrapped up in prioritizing the body part of it to determine if they’re trans, while neglecting the mind/heart part of it to determine it, and the LATTER is what is ultimately going to tell you!

I can wear anything I want and be a man. I could have any body shape and be a man. I don’t have to have surgeries or hormones to be a man, and I don’t even have to feel like anything about me has to physically change to be a man. What matters is that I FEEL, intangibly, internally, I am a man. What I choose to do with my body to support that if I feel it necessary is secondary to my identity, my being.

It’s good to understand our hearts = everything. How we feel about our bodies and the stuff we do to them or put on them is determined by your heart. That’s why if you’re really stuck, it’s important to concentrate more on internal responses to determine if you’re trans. I always say to experiment with clothing or pronouns or other forms of expression—not because these things must inherently equal being trans—but because it’s your deep internal euphoric response that you’re looking for to these factors, and if you’re looking for a place to start, that could be it! But at the end of the day, if we existed without bodies, without a way to express ourselves physically, who are you? And what form does that spirit take? It doesn’t have to be male or female, it can be anywhere in or out of the binary as well, so you don’t have to limit yourself to “male” or “female” boxes!

I hope some of this could help? ♡

#I’m actually glad you asked this cos this DOES NOT get talked about enough #trans people suffer from these things in silence and I just wanna let you know you’re not alone #ed tw #self harm tw #asks

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hs-devote · 4 years

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19. A F T E R T A S T E

Moodboard // Content // Masterlist

Disclaimer:

All characters and situation in this story are fictitious. Resemblance to any person living or dead is only God knows.

Previous chapter;

Everything went creepy silence along with Anne’s deafening scream. She blinked softly, lolling her head towards her boyfriend. She didn’t know why she was smiling like nothing happened. The last thing she knew, she smelt her own blood soaking her face as her breath slackened.

19. AFTERTASTE

He never knew he would en route to a hospital when he was on holiday. The forty-five minutes drive from a suburb to the city centre was a critical moment he had ever experienced. He could be a little relieved that the traffic seemed not that bad and hope they could make it on time, or else, he couldn't imagine anything worse. He never thought he could lay his hand off of a girl, let alone his girlfriend. He didn't know what demons summoned him and made him harmed his lover. The important thing was, all was his work. Not Marcel. Purely his anger boiling his blood and he let it controlled him.

The accident was just a few hours ago, and of course it was still fresh in his mind. He remembered clearly when Anne caught them and screaming like a mad woman. At that moment, his lover had lost consciousness. It was like he had just been thrown by a bucket of cold water and woke him up from the fact that his hands were covered by fresh blood.

He remembered Anne shoved him away and tried to wake Y/N up. His mother was rushed to call Niall at the time while he was just silent standing in the corner watching the scene unfolded before his eyes. He was standing like a complete idiot when Anne yelled him to do something, yet he didn't bother to move his body. He saw with his own eyes his best friend made an appearance; shocked by the state of the woman in his arms. His ears were ringing as he watched his mother tell his best friend what she just saw, only for him to got a sharp glance from Niall before he immediately carried Y/N's body out.

And they left him alone.

Only to make him realise what he had done.

He was smacked by reality when he saw his hands. Wet and dirty of the blood. Behind his head, he could feel Marcel was scoffing out of his consciousness.

See. Who's the monster now, Harry? I never thought to hurt her, you know? Maybe you're the demon, not me.

It took him fifteen minutes to call his mother. And thanks to God, she was willing to pick up the call and told him where they took his girlfriend. Knowing the hospital was in the city centre, he immediately ran to his car and drove as fast as he could.

And now, here he was.

When he arrived, it was almost midnight, and the hospital was less crowded. This time, Anne didn't answer his call so he didn't know where his lover was. Surely, they would take her to the ER. But, this hospital had a few ER and he didn't know which one Y/N was in.

To be honest, his heart was racing rapidly since he had this wild thought spinning around his head. What if she had serious bleeding? What if it caused a traumatic effect? Or the worst, he could have killed her.

His steps were unsteady and full of fear as he passed each room, his eyes reading every single signboard. Hoping to find where the ER was. He couldn't count for Anne because he was sure that his mother was mad with him now. Then, his feet stopped when he saw the room he was looking for was at the end of the hall. Yet, no one was there.

Where were his mother and Niall?

His steps felt heavy when he wanted to get closer, his body was sweating. However, his breath seemed to stop when he saw the door being opened showing a doctor pulling a bed from inside with a body completely covered with a white blanket from head to toe, with the help of several nurses beside the bed.

At that very second, Harry felt his world was crumbling.

His world slowed down only for his eyes to witness something before his eyes.

Harry felt numb, body frozen like a statue and every time he tried to speak or opened his mouth, he had no strength or nothing could come out of his mouth. No, he did nothing. Definitely nothing, until just the ER doors were on his view. He no longer saw the stifling sight.

At that very moment, he just realised that he lost his love.

Forever.

. . . . The last time he cried was when he lost Igor. On that day, Harry felt everything around him had faded away. Everything was gloomy and hollow. There was a feeling of regret in his heart for not being to able to keep his father company on his last days. But this time, his feeling was hundreds percent worse because he knew, Y/N lost her life because of him.

Guilt.

Fear.

Anger.

Regret.

Emptiness.

All drained his feelings and tears. He didn't know how long he had been in this chapel, poured out his heart in sob to God. Only in this place he could find peace – for a moment. He knew maybe right now God was angry with him, but he didn't know who else would listen to him.

His eyes shut closed, his head lowered letting his tears fall down soaked his crucifix necklace that was gripped tightly between his joining hands. The way his shoulders shaking when he pronounced her name in his prayer, Harry couldn't endure the pain and devastation that was eating him away.

He kept praying until he felt his tears were running out and felt a little better. And when he stepped out from the chapel, he tried to brace himself and find Anne. He was resigned if after this his mother would be furious with him. Because he deserved it.

Harry walked unsteadily with swollen eyes, seeing the hospital was still quiet even though it was already dawn. Along the corridor, his mind was out of the place as he clutched his mobile phone tightly, tried to call Anne but wasn't answered. Then, his mind started to realise the fact he had to call Brenda and Calvin that their daughter was gone.

“Harry.”

His eyes found his mother was standing a few meters in front of him, looking all tired and sleep-deprived.

“Where have you been?” He cleared his throat, “I was on the chapel before I get here.”

Anne sighed, “I was looking for you, Harry. Come with me, you have to see Y/N's condition.”

What?

Harry laughed, shaking his head. “Mum, you must be joking. Y/N.. Y/N.. she's gone." he stopped because the stinging sensation burnt his eyes, he could no longer bear tears. "I.. I saw they took her body. They had a white blanket that covered her body. Death took her away."

“Harry– ” “I couldn't even say goodbye, mum. I had no chance to say I love her.” he whispered, “She's gone because of me. I killed her. I– ”

“Harry, she's alive!”

Once again, he chuckled while laughing mockingly. “Mum, please. I just killed her, you saw– ” He startled when Anne grabbed his hand and dragged him with her, he didn't know where she would take him. However, they stopped in front of an ICU. From the small window at the door, he could see Y/N was lying unconscious with the help of oxygen mask and wires stuck in her body.

Harry couldn't believe what he was seeing now. His love that he thought had left him, was surviving with the help of medical machines. He unconsciously pinched his arm and thanking God that this was all real and not only his delusion.

But, how could?

“She was bleeding heavily in the head and doctors had to take surgery to save her. She was past the critical period and according to them, she would wake up by the midday." Anne mumbled in her breath, "You could visit her but only ten minutes in each visiting hours."

“How can this be real?” Harry whispered, “I saw the doctors pulled someone out of the ER covered with blanket and I thought it was her. Because I thought she was the only one in there.”

“I think you were seeing the wrong person, H. They did perform the surgery in the ER and after the surgery was successful, they transferred her to this room.”

Harry didn't say anything, his eyes were still staring closely at his girlfriend with full of emotion, happiness, and relief. Deep down in his heart, he thanked God for the miracle. Even he couldn't say anything to express his gratitude and was given the chance to atone for all his behaviour.

Slowly, he stepped away and sat down on a chair not far from here. He leaned back, raising his head, and closed his eyes briefly to digest what had happened in the twenty-four hours. When someone tapped his shoulder, he immediately opened his eyes and saw Anne sitting beside him.

“Care to explain?”

The way Anne asked him in a soft yet worried tone surprised him a bit. He didn't expect his mother would be so calm and rational as to ask him what exactly happened.

“We were having a fight. And that was all my fault. I knew she was trying to help me, to fix me because she cares about me so much. But, I thought that everything she did was wrong. All of them. I called her a liar because she was kinda lying about Niall to me. Then I told her I didn't need her help to fix me. We started to scream at each other, she admitted she was tired of my lack behaviour and all the problems." he began, "Which I understand because I know how hard she tried to help me, with everything."

“And why did you hurt her, Harry? This is not like Harry I know..”

“Uh," his nervousness increased, "I called her.. slut. She was furious. Then she said all of this mess is because of my behaviour. Because of my .. disorder."

He never thought he would honestly tell his mother about his disorder in this way. He could no longer hide this matter. He didn't want other problems to arise because of the things he hid. Anne herself frowned at what her son just said.

“Pardon?”

But, he couldn't be honest about everything.

“I have an anger issue which I can't control my temper easily.” he lied, “That's why I couldn't take what she said to me. It angered me so much that made me hit her. I was blinded by my emotion.”

“You know what, Harry? I'm so mad at you that I can't even show it. I can't imagine what would happen if we were late. I can't imagine how her parents will feel.” she sighed, “Even I don't know what to do with you. You're an adult and you should be aware of all your actions.”

“I'm sorry mum. I know what I did was a huge mistake that nothing can fix it."

“Don't. Apologise to Y/N, to her family.”

“Where's Niall? I don't see him around.” asked Harry, “I also have to apologise to him.”

“He left earlier because I asked him for help to transferred Y/N to the St. Thomas once she gets better." his mother answered, "We couldn't possibly let her out of our sight."

“Oh, Harry. I think you should call her parents and tell them what happened. I believe Y/N will feel better if her parents come."

. . . . Brenda was screaming when she got the news from Harry. The man himself swore that his girlfriend's mother cried on the phone before she gave the phone to Calvin. He didn't explain to them what exactly happened, he only said that Y/N had an accident and her head injury made her ended in ICU.

Later that afternoon, Brenda and Calvin made an appearance in hurry. And surprisingly, Connor came with them. This was the first time Harry met Y/N's brother in person.

Harry was a bit relieved when Calvin and Brenda weren't suspicious of him. But on the other hand, Connor was throwing a sceptical look on him.

Y/N regained consciousness an hour after her family arrived, with her parents by her side. The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was her parents, and it made Harry feel touched. Of course he wanted to be the first person that Y/N saw but that was impossible for now. He knew she would hate him after this.

"What actually happened, Harry?” Connor finally opened his mouth, “You didn't tell us what exactly the accident was.”

“She.. fell.”

“Fell?” Connor arched his eyebrow, “Just.. fell?” Harry didn't speak any further.

“If she just fell, why did she hit her head?” Connor scoffed, “I'm a paramedic, don't lie to me.”

“She fell in the bathroom and hit her head on the toilet bowl. When she wanted to stand again, her legs weakened and made her fell and hit the wall.”

Liar..

The sound of the door opening made Connor discouraged from strafing Harry with lots of questions. Brenda and Calvin came out of the room relieved yet confused faces.

“How's her Mum? Dad?" Connor asked waiting for his parents to come to sit with him.

“She looks tired and restless, but she's okay.” Calvin began, “The doctor says she will be fine. But..”

“But?" Connor repeated his father word with a raised eyebrow. Meanwhile, Harry was only listening from afar. His attention was distracted when his mother came and brought him a drink.

“She lost a little of her memory.”

Harry was flabbergasted when Brenda softly said that. No way Y/N lost her memory. The doctor said nothing when he finished examining her. Anne who sat next to him just rubbed his shoulder; giving him moral support.

“But the doctor said nothing earlier?” Connor squeaked.

“It's because we said so. He told us that inside after checking her. He said no need to worry as it's only temporary and she will gain her memory back in a few days. The last thing she remembers is when we were celebrating Christmas together."

“She hit her head pretty hard so it made her lost her memory a little.”

Harry didn't know whether to feel relieved or uneasy. It was meant Y/N forgot about their fight and the accident and would act like nothing happened. But, in a few days, she would remember everything. And maybe, it would make her hate him.

“Harry.”

He lifted his head, finding Brenda who gave him a small smile.

“Brenda.” he rose up from his seat, nodding his head slightly.

“Thank you. I don't know what would happen if you were late bringing her to the hospital. Thank you for looking after her while waiting for us to come."

“You don't need to thank me, Brenda. I'm the one who should apologise for not being able to take care of her until she had to have this accident.” he said softly, “I'm sorry for being careless.”

“After all, this was an accident, nothing intentional. No one wants this, Harry." Calvin chimed in, "And for Mrs Styles, thank you for the help for our daughter transferred to London. At least we can stay at her apartment if she's hospitalised there."

“No need to thank me, Mr Y/L/N. It will be easier for all of us to look after her if she's in London.” Anne smiled, “If Y/N feels better, she can be transferred. Of course with your permission.”

“Of course. We will also tell her first.” Brenda nodded, “I hope she gets better soon.”

. .

. . The second day being hospitalised, Y/N hadn't gained her memory back yet. She was being her normal behaviour towards Harry, but it made him even more guilty. He let Brenda and Calvin having more time with their daughter because he knew Y/N needed her parents most. During that too, he took the chance to call his lawyer – asking for the progress. He also secretly monitoring the company under Lucas' control. He could breathe a little relieved since his cousin was able to gradually lobby their clients to work with Erskine again.

Plus, Dale Jespersen had been successfully arrested and the trial will be held soon. Before that, he would meet both Dale and Victoria tomorrow in London to asking for an explanation for their crimes.

“Where have you been?"

Harry smiled softly hearing Y/N's voice after he shut the door. Her parents had returned to Swansea and would come again to accompany their daughter after she was transferred to London. They also have to prepare because they would stay in London for a few days.

“My client called me. I didn't want to bother you so..” he shrugged, “How are you feeling, darling?” he stepped closer, sitting on the edge of her bed. His hand raised to stroke her hair.

“Much better,” she smiled, “I can't wait to get home.”

“Well, I'm afraid you have to be still hospitalised for another few days." he smiled softly, "We'll move you to London in two or three days, tops. But, I have to go back to London tomorrow morning and probably will be back the day after tomorrow morning. Is it okay? I have to check for your preparations. Mum will stay here, though."

“Why?” she frowned, “I'm feeling better now, why must still stay in the hospital?”

“Because,” he sighed, “The doctor still has to observe your condition for the next few days, especially your head. No need to worry, your parents will come and keep you company.”

She bit her lip before nodding, then smiled softly as Harry kissed her hair. But, her smile faded when she saw her boyfriend looked gloomy and restless.

“Is something happen? You look.. off?” Y/N let her free hand rubbed his knuckle, “I'm sorry if I made you restless.”

“I was scared, Y/N. I thought I lost you. I was scared of losing you forever." he stammered, "I thought I would be alone.. again."

“Harry..” whispered her, “I'm fine. I'm here and fine. No need to worry, H.”

“Yeah, I know.” he chuckled, “And I'm grateful for that. You're safe and sound in here, with me.” “See?” she giggled, “Now, I'm hungry. Do you think I can eat anything but hospital catering?”

Harry could only laugh, ruffled her hair affectionately.

For now, he felt happy. But, tomorrow and beyond, he wasn't sure if they could get this close. He should make good use of this valuable time.

. . . .

Harry didn't know how to feel. Yet, he was fuming when Dale blatantly revealed his intention, coupled with Victoria's unbelievable confession. Good for him that Allen was there, he nearly punched Dale in the face if only his lawyer didn't hold him back. Elle with both her lawyer and manager were also there, witnessing the confession being unfolded before them. The model couldn't understand why her best friend did that. All she did was just scoffed whenever Victoria bawled her eyes out and asking for forgiveness, which that Elle and Harry couldn't give her.

Not only Dale and Victoria as the main perpetrator, but they also sued every single media Dale paid for bringing the scandal up. Many things had lost, not only money but also the dignity and reputation that have been tarnished in the public eye.

At least, Harry was a little relieved.

The only thing that still weighing in his heart and mind is, Y/N.

He didn't know when she would get her memory back, and how. But, if the day came, he didn't know what to do.

On the other hand, he was feeling empty after the incident. Marcel never came back since that night, even as if he didn't feel him anymore. Nothing was blocking his soul. It felt weird. There was no way that Marcel just disappeared.

Today, Y/N will be moved to London. Harry ensured that his girlfriend would get the best treatment by moving her to one of the best hospitals in the city. After meeting Dale and Victoria yesterday, he didn't have time to return to the hospital since it was late. He spent all day trying to force Dale to open his mouth and confess what he had done. And at the first in the morning, he rushed back to the hospital.

The hospital wing was so quiet, only a few nurses passed by. When he reached her room, he peeked through the window and didn't see his mother, only Y/N left alone was lying in her bed. Slowly, he opened the door and walked in. After making sure the door closed well, he stepped in and took a vacant chair next to her bed. He drew a small smile looking at his sleeping girlfriend. His hand carefully raised to stroke her hair, yet a little surprised when Y/N immediately opened her eyes.

“Hi,” Harry grinned, hands still stroking her hair, “How are you?” But, Y/N didn't answer him right away. She sighed, blinked her eyes then tilted her head to him. “Fine, I guess.”

“Does your head still hurt? We're going back to London today.” he hummed, “Well, but you still need to be hospitalised.” “No.”

Well, that was short.

Y/N pulled up her head again, her view now was the television in front of her. Her face still pale just like yesterday, but somehow looked different. Harry didn't get it but he felt something different.

“Where's mum? I didn't see her outside either.”

“Out.”

Harry frowned.

“You bored, didn't you? Well, I promise you'll be discharged soon but your head still needs observation for a few more days. I–”

“Harry..”

Now, Y/N tilted her head again to him. Her dull eyes gave him a sharp look with hundreds of emotion that she couldn't show. She didn't smile, her mouth was flat without any kind of pleasantly. Harry's smile faded as if he understood the gaze he was receiving. His hand that had been on her head gradually pulled back and returned to his lap.

“Why did you do that?”

Her voice barely just as a whisper yet it jolted him so much. The way she stared at him was only giving him confirmation that she got her memory back. Harry didn't know how to answer, all he did was shut his mouth. He felt his palm became sweaty and the air getting tense.

“Yes I got my memory back,” she confirmed his thought, “I remember how I ended up here. And it's the worst memory in my life.”

“You haven't answered my question." she opened her mouth after her boyfriend left her unanswered for two minutes. Harry himself didn't know where to start, even his brain couldn't function properly now. Many thoughts were racing in his head when he tried to open his mouth.

Licked his lips, he opened his mouth briefly before closing them again. He was completely baffled.

“I apologise for the animalistic behaviour towards you. It was very wrong for me to harm you that night." he sighed, lowering his head. He couldn't bear to look at her eyes now. The immense guilt and shame-filled his heart and mind.

“My question is why. I didn't ask for an apology, did I?”

He felt like a coward now.

“I was hurt by what you said that night. I felt betrayed by everything. I saw everything was gone wrong." he spoke, "I was hurt about the fact that... the unexpected thing between you and Marcel. I couldn't... I couldn't think properly since everything was vague for me.”

Silent.

“Which is where I should be able to control it all." Harry looked nervous, he didn't dare to look at Y/N. Instead, his bare fingers seemed more interesting than looking at her beautiful eyes. "I couldn't take that you said I'm disorder, I couldn't take the fact that you went behind my back with Marcel. But, that's the truth. I'm a disorder. You didn't go behind my back since I and Marcel are the same person. No matter how much I hate him, I have to accept the fate that we can't be separated. He has been with me as long as I live.”

“First of all, Harry.” she sighed, “It was very wrong for me to called you disorder. That was.. rude, I know. Then about Marcel. I should know how you would feel, I should know you would know. That was a mistake. And I'm sorry for everything that hurt you. You were fragile, and I should aware.”

Harry murmured, "None of them was your fault, darling. They are all my consequences."

“But, Harry. I've been thinking since last night.” she averted her gaze to the television ceiling and closed her eyes for a moment, “I can't accept what you did to me. All the yelling and screaming, it was enough. But, the violence.. it's not.”

“I just realised that I can't take it any more. I'm hurt, I'm exhausted. I can't deal with someone who's..” she scrunched her face, “.. abusive.”

His heart sank when the sentence slipped out of her mouth. Abusive? Was he abusive? His mind wandered back to that night. The night where he pushed her, hitting her head with a sharp object, and slammed her head against the wall. He realised he was abusing someone he loved which he shouldn't. He seemed to have just realised that the hand that had just stroked her hair, almost killed the woman before him. Yet, that was the same hand that Marcel use to kill his victim.After all, it was the hand of a killer. What did he expect?

You weren't so different from me, Harry

"I thought I could handle it, I thought I was brave enough to fit with your world. I thought I could hold on and help you. But, I was wrong." she whispered, "I barely can handle it. I was too brave and confident. I couldn't help you at all."

“What do you mean?" he ventured to ask. He couldn't think since his mind was too foggy.

“When you told me about your secret, I promised myself that I will help you as much as I can. With your perfect and imperfection, I brace myself to help you. And after all of these, I feel like.. I was wrong. I failed you. And you need to find someone to help you more. Someone you can trust."

Now, Y/N had her eyes on him. Looking at her boyfriend with teary eyes. The look on her eyes softened now, she bit her lips from wavering too much.

“I'm sorry, but.. I don't understand?” he lied. He clearly understood what did she mean. He just needed one more clarification to confirm what he had in head. He didn't dare to say it since it was to bitter to spit it out. Harry believed that his face was pale, his heart was too jittery to hear what was next.

“A break up will do us a favour, H." she stammered, "You need to find someone better than me, because I'm nothing. You will find someone who loves you unconditionally and maybe.. someday will fix you."

Harry looked at her just like she had grown out a second head. Nothing he understood. A break-up?

Even he couldn't say anything, he was speechless, he didn't know how to react. But, it made him think. Everything they went through together, everything they had for a year relationship, was all ruined by him. If he were a normal person, it would have all been different.

She wasn't wrong. It was him.

“I'm sorry, H. I–”

“It's okay, I understand." he chuckled, "I should have understood from the beginning. Why would someone be with me?"

“Harry, I don't mean– ”

“I respect your decision. It's your right, I cannot forbid you.” he gave her a modest smile, then getting up from his chair. He slowly took off his cross necklace and putting it around Y/N neck. After the necklace was perfectly clasped, he carefully lowered her head only to kiss her head for the last time. He took a moment to let his feelings poured out. Little did Y/N know, Harry was holding back from letting his tears falling down.

“It's funny to think that we break up exactly on our a year anniversary.” he chuckled, sniffled a bit before wiping away the tears at the corner of his eyes.

A year?

Y/N frowned a bit, how came it had been a year?

“Yes, today it's our a year anniversary if you don't remember. But, this is the most unexpected gift to celebrate.”

She didn't how to say.

“Seems you lost that memory, eh?" he joked before shaking his head. Once again, he smiled. Bringing his face closer to kiss her cheek before disappearing behind the door. But, the last sentence that came out from his mouth caught her off guard.

“One thing that you should know. No matter what happens, I'll always love you. Even someday your heart isn't mine any more."

. . . .

Harry never came back after the last word he left for Y/N. Anne returned to her room not long after her son left Y/N. Her ex-boyfriend mother didn't say anything about Harry which she assumed his arrival was unknown to his mother.

Even when she was transferred to London, Harry didn't show up. It was just her and Anne in her room, waiting for her parent's arrival. To be honest, Y/N was already bored in the hospital, but she couldn't deny the headache which still hammering her head several times. Sometimes she could endure it, but there were times she had to grimace because it was hurt so much.

“Brenda text me she'd be here in ten minutes.” Anne spoke, “They had to wait for your brother to go together.”

Y/N frowned, “Connor will come?”

“She said he has time off so he'll definitely pay you a visit.”

“Okay.”

Then, her mind wandered to this morning when she decided to let Harry go. It was a lie if she said it didn't hurt her. Her heart was aching when she said those words. A year with him was the most beautiful thing she had felt during all her relationship. All the sweet and bitterness were beyond her expectation. She didn't want their relationship to sink but what Harry did to her was the last strike she would get. She could no longer hold back what was on her heart. She felt she couldn't help with his behaviour any more. She fully understood it was all not what he wanted. But after all, she was just a selfish ordinary human.

Who could stand someone behaves abusively?

She could just hold on and think all was well. Yet, he didn't want to stress herself out when she forced herself to.

Their relationship was only a year. And she ended them exactly a year after they were being official. How unfortunate.

Was it cruel to broke him up on their anniversary?

She didn't even remember today was their anniversary! Call her evil but it was the truth.

If only Harry could hold back his anger and kept his hands away, maybe things would have been different. They might be somewhere in the world to celebrate their relationship and would end in a romantic way. The world wasn't always on our side, however.

And the last sentence he uttered to her, it was like a hard slap on her face. How could he say that he loved her in that kind situation? How could he admitted what was he felt in the bottom of his heart when their relationship was already crumbled?

Harry loved her.

That was the first time he said he loved her, and being the last time.

If he truly loved her, why he let his anger clouded his feelings and cause them to be like this?

If only he told her at the first..

“Y/N.”

She snapped her head when Anne called her name. She was zoned out too long so she didn't realise Anne had been watching her earlier with a concerned look.

“Yeah?”

Anne didn't immediately speak, she exhaled and took Y/N's hands for her to hold.

“I'm sorry for all that my son did to you. I've never.. never expected that he would do that to his own girlfriend.” she paused, “He shouldn't hurt you despite his anger problem.”

“No one would expect that, Anne.” she timidly said, “I just.. it shocked me.”

“I feel guilty for you, for your parents. I didn't know my son very well, even he has an anger disorder I just didn't know.”

Y/N frowned, how did Anne know her son had a disorder. Not an anger disorder to be precise, but one that was far more serious than that. Was it Niall? Or Harry himself?

“However, I also want to thank you for making Harry more cheerful and happier than before. I've never seen him that happy. I just hope he won't change since both of you aren't together anymore.”

How did Anne know that they broke up?

As if answering her question, Anne smiled sadly and nodded, “Harry called after visiting you. He told me everything, even asking me to not bring up that question. He just wants you to recover and not to stress out. He also told me that he won't bother you by coming to the hospital.”

“I'm sorry for bringing that up. I can't help myself." she added, "He also told me that he was sorry and nothing can fix what he did."

“Anne," Y/N whispered, her heart sank to see Anne smiled sadly as the old lady rubbed her teary eyes, "I'm sorry if I made a bad decision, I–"

“I understand, darling. No need to worry. I am just sad that my son sounded sad and helpless. I've never heard him like that." she shook her head, "But, no matter what, you're still part of our family. I'm always here if you want to talk."

Giving Anne a tight smile, Y/N just nodded slowly. They both talked until Brenda and Calvin showed up at her room. Being the polite lady he was, Anne excuse herself to leave the family alone.

. . . .

Harry never felt more relieved in his entire life. Fucking finally, his mortal enemy, the one who made him suffer and down for the last few months – would immediately face his sentence for his action. Upon his arrival at a certain location, without any further do he met Allen to accompany him to meet Dale and Victoria. There was a sense of satisfaction burning him as he walked so confidently to where they were isolated.

There they were.

Sitting in the iron chair, looking all shabby and helpless in their grey uniform. If Victoria's face wasn't visible since she was looking down and letting her hair loose, in contrast to the arrogant Dale who raised his chin highly as if challenging anyone he would face.

“Well, hello there.”

Harry bit his lip, both his hands were tucked in his pocket. He was quite impressed with Dale. Even though there were two guards behind him, Dale was still as arrogant as usual.

“I don't want to mince words. Why are you doing all this?”

Silence.

He exhaled, averted her gaze to his ex-girlfriend who still had her face down. Albeit he was standing feet away from her, he could tell that Victoria was scared. The woman hadn't made the slightest move.

“Why are you helping him, Victoria?”

He pinched his forehead when she didn't answer him. He couldn't understand that the two of them keep their mouth closed. What was that hard to speak or even opening their mouth?

“Don't make this hard. Just answer the damn question!" Harry gritted his teeth. But, seeing these two were still silent, his hands angrily met the table – shocking them both.

“You know what, Harry? You don't deserve all this success and beyond considering who you are. You're still a loser like you were a dozen years ago. Who are you if you're not a Styles?” Dale snickered, “ Who are you behind this luxury and wealth?”

“You would always envy me no matter what. Me being a Styles or not, you will always be.” scoffed Harry, “You should realise, hatred is what makes you fall like this.”

“Fine then,” Harry murmured, “Victoria? Is there anything you would like to say?”

“This stupid girl agreed to help me because she wanted revenge on you. She didn't like the lady of yours and thought she could ruin you both." Dale chuckled, "How romantic. Who would have thought love could blind someone."

“Just if you're jealous of me or something that I have, doesn't mean that's okay to do.” Harry shook his head, “See you in the court.”

Harry didn't need to Dale and Victoria elaborate why they did this. He could draw conclusions, and based on the evidence he received, Dale played pretty well enough to make up everything. Being the mastermind, Dale managed to find someone who knew Harry's past enough to make his plans even smoother. He tricked Victoria into obeying his commands.

Using an alias, he received the weapon, something greater than he thought, and sold them to blow up the scandal. Not only Harry's downfall he was laughing at, but also the amount of money from the tape. The downfall was bigger than he had imagined, and he was very satisfied with it.

And then, there was Victoria.

She paid what she did before. She was awful, yet Harry didn't understand why he could date her at first.

Karma did exist, did it?

But, Harry hadn't got into his car yet when his lawyer rang him again, saying that Dale and Victoria were willing to testify for their guilt.

It seemed he might have a full day to interrogate them. . . . .

It was strange.

Harry felt strange.

Marcel hadn't been back since that night. Even when he was threatening Dale and Victoria, the anger he felt was pure himself. Marcel didn't change their positions, and it astonished him. He felt he was there, but did nothing. He just stood there, hiding but stay alert.

It had been a couple of days, Marcel still didn't want to appear even Harry had tried to persuade by asking him to meet. But still, nothing.

Y/N had also come home and was recovering. He kept his distance, still didn't want to meet her – worried that his presence would disturb her. Harry was a hypocrite if he said he didn't miss her. He truly missed her, so bad. But he knew his positions. They weren't something anymore, and he should leave her a space.

When he was home alone, he sometimes remembered his former lover. So many memories left to unfold in here. His memory forced him to reminisce about their past together.

The first time he saw her when Rita Davies introduce them, Harry didn't have any feeling, just like a boss to his assistant. Then, in the first few weeks they had been working together, Harry acknowledged Y/N's incredible work skill. And gradually, that feeling of amaze blossomed into something different. Something that broke his own promise to not have any romantic ties with someone in the same company. Until finally they were at this point, all of them was leaving deep meaning at the bottom of his heart.

He had never felt so empty, so lost. Only Y/N could make him felt like this, she was the only woman who won his heart and successfully made him fall in love.

He was relieved to let out his guts, the burden on his shoulder had disappeared since he was being honest with Y/N, that he loved her. Of course, he still had this regretful annoying his heart for expressed his feelings at the wrong time.

And now, he was trying to get over his sadness by getting back to work. No, he wasn't simply returning to his company, he had been calling Lucas to monitor all the work. They still had his cousin for being the leader of the company for a while until at least the client regained their trust back for the sake of his company.

Meanwhile, the arrest of Dale and Victoria also helped clear Harry and Elle's good name and reputation. His team made Dale admitted that all of this was his ruse, yet Harry was a kind person and he did this out of hatred. Slowly, everyone understood that in the end, Harry was just a victim.

In time, Erskine got their clients again. What made Harry felt confident again, they started asking about his presence in the company. But still, he needed some time before returning to work as before. Besides, he didn't know if he could work as usual if his assistant wasn't Y/N. Harry wasn't being unprofessional, it was just that he felt like he was compatible with her and they were a solid team. And only her who understood what he wanted in their work. Oh, sweet Y/N. Of course, she wouldn't return to work until her condition got better. However, there was one thing that bothered him. If he had returned to work, as well as with Y/N, could they still work as a team?

Later that night, when Harry was in an online meeting with Lucas and some of their director, someone knocked his office. His eyes found Suzanne was smiling softly at him, “I'm sorry, did I bother you?”

“Uhm, no.” Harry scratched his neck, “What's wrong, Suzanne?”

“Your friend is here." she shrugged, "I've told him that you're on a meeting. But he said it's okay and he wants to wait."

“Who?” Harry squinted, “I don't have any appointment with anyone.”

“It's Niall.”

He stiffened. He didn't know what made Niall come here, and it been a few weeks since the last time he saw him – at the cottage that time. The last thing he remembered from his best friend was a disappointed look. Then, he just nodded as Suzanne excused her self. He ended the meeting immediately and wished them good night since nothing to be discussed anymore. Folding his MacBook, Harry exhaled and rubbed his face before getting up from his leather chair. His steps grew heavier the closer he got to the living room. From a few feet away, he could see Niall was standing facing his big window while enjoying the beautiful view of London. As if Niall could Harry's presence, he turned around and gave a modest smile, "How are you, H?"

His question was simple, but why Harry felt intimidated?

“Honest answer or lies?”

With that, Niall arched his eyebrow. Shaking his head, he took a vacant seat near the window. “I'm not here to judge you. I'm here because you need to talk.”

“I'm between torn and fine.”

“I guess.” he murmured, “Now, I don't want mince words but what's wrong with you? What was in your head to let your hand to did that?”

“Just tell me and I won't interrupt you. I'm all ears.” he added before Harry got the chance to answer him.

“I don't know, Niall.” he sighed, dropping his body onto the couch across Niall. His both hands grasped his head which bent down. “I was very aware when I did that. Marcel wasn't shadowing me. The anger I felt was somewhat different from him. I don't know why I could do that.”

“What kind of anger, Harry?”

"I felt.. betrayed. With everything happened at the same time. I was.. tired, saturated. I felt that.. whatever has been done, it's all useless."

Niall exhaled, leaning to chair with folding his arms. His blue eyes stared intently at his friend. Then, he shook his head gently, “There must be something big. You wouldn't hit your girlfriend if that was all you felt.”

Well, Harry couldn't lie one of the triggers was.. her and Marcel. But, he couldn't be honest about that thing which was so personal, even it was for his own friend. It was better if he changed the topic, no?

“But, Niall. After that accident, Marcel hasn't shown himself yet. I can feel him, I've tried to talk to him. He doesn't even want to show up. That's weird.” Harry stared at Niall anxiously, “What happen?” Now, Niall squinted his eyes. He bit his lip while straightening his posture, “Then, you have to be on alert. We don't know what will he do. But still, control your anger. I'm afraid he will be more dangerous since he doesn't want to talk to you.”

"Something that still bothers me. Why me? Why I was the one who did that? Every time I was angry, it always been Marcel."

"Because your anger wasn't based on your grudge. You were angry because you were afraid to lose everything. Meanwhile Marcel, his anger was to get rid of everything."

“Tell me, H. Have you lost something, already?” . . . .

Harry couldn't count how many weeks it had been. He was back in the office, started working as usual despite Y/N was still absent. Meanwhile, Lucas took over her job until she came back and he would return to the Manchester office. Erskine had started to stabilize and getting clients back.

Harry was also grateful that he still had one meeting scheduled in a day, although previously he could have almost four meetings a day. Thanks to everyone who helped him to get through all of this.

As for now, he just finished a meeting with all of the directors to discuss client progress. When he was about to return to his office, at the same time one of the HR staff was talking to Madeleine – asking his presence.

"Mr Styles? Mrs Martinez wants to see you." Madeleine smiled, glancing at the woman beside her.

Harry nodded at both woman, "Please, come in Sanaa." and invited Mrs Martinez, or he called her Sanaa, to come into his office.

“What's wrong, Sanaa?” asked him after he sat on his chair, giving the woman some time to put a folder on his desk. His attention wasn't on Sanaa since he was looking for his tie bar. But, what Sanaa just said made him froze for a moment.

“Y/N came to meet me this morning and gave her resignation letter.” “Pardon?”

Y/N came here, straight to the HR office to submitted her resignation but she didn't tell him first? Did her hate him too much so she didn't want to meet him?

She should have informed him first, and not immediately submitted her letter. He was still her boss after all.

Straightened his body, Harry gave Sanaa a look for her to elaborate what she just said.

“She said she wants to quit the job and wants to take a break. But, I didn't say anything since I have to give her resignation letter to you first.” Sanaa answered, “She also said, something happened with her head cause her to took extra leave and she's afraid she can't work normally due to her head injury.”

Harry still stared at her like he was seeing a ghost. His brain couldn't proceed what she said, yet slowly his hand took the folder that was lying on his desk. His feelings were messed up when his eyes saw the letter signed by his former girlfriend, stating she was resigning from a company that had given her a lot of experience over the past year.

“Did she say anything else?” he gulped, eyes scanning every single word she wrote.

"No, Mr Styles."

Harry sighed, pinching his nose bridge in frustration, “I'll talk to her first, and let you know after that.”

"Sure. Thank you, Mr Styles."

There was nothing more he could do than a nod. After Sanaa closed his door, he slammed the folder down and let out a huff. He never thought Y/N would make such a decision. Now, what he was afraid of started to eat him alive. She began to pull away from his life. Harry very well understood, but on the other hand, his selfish side didn't want to let it happen.

Taking his mobile phone from his desk, his finger quickly tapped Y/N contact. He took a moment staring at his ex-girlfriend's name whom he had not contacted for a long time. The last time he texted her was when Y/N had returned home, wishing her speedy recovery. He respected her decision by not bothering her with unimportant messages or phone calls. Harry tried to fix his heart by trying not to think about her. Yet, he still watched her from afar without being noticed.

Slowly, he sent her text to meet him in the office – wanting to talk about her resignation. Fortunately, she replied right away. Well, of course, still in a friendly way.

Messages – Now ; amore I'm fine, H.

Oh well, that was short. She couldn't possibly reply to his messages like when they were still together. No pet names, no smiley face, or even kisses. It bothered him a little, accepting the bittersweet reality.

To ; amore I've got your resignation letter earlier. Do you think you can come and discuss this with me first? I'm always available in the office

From ; amore Oh, you're back already?

To ; amore Been a few weeks. Erskine is getting better, soo... From ; amore Oh, wow. Glad to hear that. How about tomorrow?

To ; amore That would be great. You're welcome to come anytime.

From ; amore Thanks, see ya tomorrow.

To ; amore See ya, darling Sorry... I mean Y/N

Harry smacked his head after realising his stupid mistake by calling her with their usual pet names. Y/N was no longer his lover, how could he slip like that?

But, he couldn't lie that was the shortest text he had together with her. Usually, they would throw pet names at each other, send flirting messages, yet that was all gone. He felt a little better because Y/N still wanted to contacted by him.

He hoped that after they talk, she would cancel her decision. Not because Harry wanted to be still in touch with her, but her career was already good here and he didn't want her to give up her career just because of what happened between them. If Y/N wanted, Harry could give her a promotion or move her to another department as long as she still worked with Erskine.

. . . .

It was past lunchtime, but Y/N hadn't shown herself yet. Harry started to feel antsy, worried that she didn't want to see him. His anxiety vanished when Madeleine called him, said Y/N was already in the lounge. Of course he immediately told her to let his former lover come to his office. Nervousness began to eat him away, his hands were sweating and his heart was pounding. The feeling became even more so when he heard the sound of his door being opened. He sighed slowly, and getting up from his leather chair – standing to welcome the person he had missed so much.

There she was.

Looking as beautiful as usual.

She threw a small smile, walked to his desk. Harry was a little stunned, making Y/N waved her palm in front of him. He smiled awkwardly then offering her to sit. For a moment, Harry studied the girl in front of him. She looked like his Y/N, his sweet sweet Y/N. Nothing had changed. Yet, something looked a little different.

“How are you?” Harry looked at her straight in her eyes, his voice was firm but actually he was hiding his nervousness.

Y/N nodded, “I'm fine. Are you?”

He shrugged, “Never been better.”

Silence.

Both of them did say nothing. If Harry was busy watching her, Y/N preferred to avert her gaze. Honestly, she didn't dare to be stared at Harry for so long. She couldn't lie if she said she missed the man in front of her. She was afraid her heart would collapse if she kept staring at him. Harry hadn't changed, he was still the old Harry. However, he looked a little better – almost like his usual state. Erskine was getting better and better, and it made his psychological condition better.

“What do you want to talk about, Harry?”

Harry. Harry.

Sounded sweet but so sour.

Heard Y/N calling him by his real name, it felt surreal. He used to be called by nickname or pet names, Harry sounded so strange and unfamiliar in his ears.

This time, was Y/N who dared to look at him while he tried to suppress his feelings by lowering his head with hands toying the pen. He was confused about what to say.

“About your resignation,” he lifted his head, staring deadly at her, “Why?”

“I can no longer work here.”

“Why?” Harry asked the second time since he didn't satisfied with her answer. He wanted to know the main reason that made her decide to quit her job. He knew she had another reason that she couldn't work here anymore.

“Harry,” she sighed, joining her hands together in her lap, “With everything that happened between us, I'm trying to fix things. I– ”

“If the reason is that you can't get too close to me, I can promote you or.. or even move you to another department. Just.. just don't quit. You have good achievements here, don't give up your career. Erskine still needs you, I still need you for this company's future." Harry stammered, "I know everything will not be the same after that, I know you can't forgive me. But, please. Don't bring our personal problems to work."

“If I mix personal matters with work, I wouldn't meet you now professionally.” Y/N bit her lip, “Don't judge me that low.”

“I don't?” Harry confused, “I know you're hiding something from me, Y/N. That's why–”

“It's more than fixing things. I can't work here anymore because I have to rest for who knows long. I can't function properly since my brain can't work normally.”

What did she mean?

“Pardon?”

“I have post-concussion syndrome after what happened. Getting headaches easily, lose concentration, get anxious and worried easily, even I would lose the ability to move my body suddenly. Of course, it will slow down my performance.” she exhaled, “I need time to get normal. And I can't possibly abandon my job that long.”

“I need you to understand my condition, Harry. I'm not the same like before.”

Harry was.. speechless. He wouldn't have thought his behaviour had an impact this far. He didn't expect to make Y/N suffer like this. She almost died because of him, she was forced to leave her job because of him. She did suffer because of him.

All because of you, Harry.

You were the one who made her suffer.

"And it will be better for us, to help us to move on with each other's lives."

Move on with each other's lives.

Move on.

Was that what she wanted?

No matter how hard Harry persuaded her, Y/N would stick with her decision. It was very difficult to change her mind she had made. Harry knew that very well.

However, what was Harry for Y/N right now? He was nothing for her. She wouldn't listen to him, she wouldn't care anymore to him.

If that was what Y/N wanted, Harry couldn't stop her. Just like what he said, he would respect every decision she made.

And, Harry realised, this moment was the last time he saw her. She would leave him.

This was their goodbye. . . Please excuse some errors Talk to me :)

#Harry Styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles series #harry styles au #harry styles angst #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles writing #angst #romance #fanfiction

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dungeonsanddragonsfifthedition · 3 years

Note

3, 15, 35, 50, 55, 63 for The Girls~

under a cuuuut!

how do they carry themselves around strangers? friends/lovers? family?

my two most Ambigious Disordered kids. um.

ori handles Strangers with a very practiced dignity. she gets quieter, goes a little blank. she’s afraid of strangers and especially conversations with strangers that she cannot predict having. with friends, she is... different. this is a new version of herself, and it is maybe one that she can like. she can joke and be soft and relax, even if only for a moment. she has been doing GOOFS lately, you guys. GOOFS and BIT. she’s never had a “lover” outside of like. the hookup department but she. flirts in a kind of strong-silent-type way. and with family... hm. hard to describe. with-family-ori is not someone she wants people to see. ex-child prodigy headcase does not handle her evil-aligned profane soul blood hunter family well, news at 11.

anthe is always anthe, which is to say. loud and invasive and accidentally too-friendly and too-weird right off the bat with strangers. like o, she’s afraid of strangers, but she handles it with Trying To Make Them Not Strangers. with friends, she is a little bit quieter and she embraces her own weirdness a bit more--she is more self-aware and vulnerable. and with. nev. this goes even moreso. much softer and quieter and more openly unsure. and her family is... complicated! she is (or. was, at least) more comfortable around kir than the others, but she is hyperaware that she is being judged by them and she is terrified of it. thank you. it’s also worth noting that anthe does think that 99% of people in the world hate her because she is The Worst.

describe their ideal date.

i genuinely can’t see ori in a healthy long-term relationship until she takes some. serious time to recover but. i think she’d like a little stargazing moment. she’d druidcraft flowers for them, too, and it would just be very soft and intimate.

anthe has something in the works that she is very excited about for when we are on the coast. i shan’t elaborate.

do they consider themselves childish/mature for their age?

ori is at a weird mix of the two... she thinks she is smarter than most people, and she is, but she also understands that she had an atypical upbringing and that she spent her late adolescence and early adulthood in a blurry, terrified haze. she’s not sure if she ever was childish, and she’s definitely an adult technically, but... it’s complicated. she would probably settle on mature, but. it’s got nuance.

anthe will make the argument that she’s totally mature, but that -2 deception says that. she knows she is stuck in a little bit of ron howard voice arrested development. she’s. 24, 25 in Real Time years, but she’s a halfling, she’s like. 20, 21 in terms of maturation relative to humans. she is very wise and very world-weary, and she has a good head on her shoulders, but she is also. a young woman who experienced many major traumas from childhood into adolescence. like. she’s fucked up.

what is their native language? If they know multiple languages, how do they speak/act differently?

ori’s first language is sydh tir, which is still the language she is most comfortable writing and speaking in. she also knows avanti--she uses it the most, nowadays, for speaking, and while she used to sound Very Formal All The Time with it, she’s figured out a lot about it in recent years and she’s quite comfortable with it, too. she also taught herself lijaa, because it’s beautiful & while there is not much written work in it, what work she did have access to in it was related to her particular Big Interests. she’s still figuring out informal use, but her nature-y notes and spells tend to dwell in lijaa roots.

anthe grew up speaking all of her languages, kind of a hodgepodge of them! she also knows tiny bits n pieces of other languages though (celestial, sylvan, lil bits of giant n undercommon n dwarvish from family members, yfm). her main ones are common, halfling, draconic, and elvish! she is probably best with common and hallfing, but she likes to write in draconic and a lot of her verbal spells take on the sylvanesque elements of elvish, specifically.

how has your character’s mental health been recently?

bad!

ori’s first and best friend is dead. like. he died, and she helped lay him to rest, and she is so furious at herself about it. she knows it’s impossible, but--she wants to bring him back. he didn’t deserve to die. he deserved something kinder. she’s also got her whole, um. her family is watching her via magic and wants to take her and probably lock her up and also she was so stupid to not try and read her brother’s body language in that dream because he’s a good fucking liar, and. ugh. she’s trying not to let herself shatter, basically. she has a tiny glimmer of hope in this whole wings situation, but. she’s... 90% made of verges of breakdowns, right now. i have a lot of ori brain stuff i need to write but this is a very vague summary.

anthe Is Mentally Ill. she’s very happy with nev, and that’s... nev in general is such a bright spot, and anthe hopes that she can be a bright spot for nev, too, but. ziggy and nol are so complicated and vic is going through so much and she can’t help as much as she wants to and she just wants everything to be okay and also a way to know that people don’t hate her or at least to know that people want to be around her where she’s 100% sure they’re not just trying to make sure she doesn’t freak out on them with their answers. on the upside, she’s realized that she wants to live, so, hey. that’s nice.

which party member would they pull a prank on? who would they plan a prank with?

ori would prank pen or alba and she’s prank with pen or alba. most likely pen in both cases. anthe would prank... no one rn by herself because she doesn’t want to upset people, but she would help nev or vic do a scheme of sorts if nev or vic proposed it.

#dnd talk #oriole #anthe #johnandrasjaqobis

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abuse-culture · 4 years

Text

Depression Misconceptions

Our abuse culture is fueled by a misunderstanding of mental health.

Online I see many people address depression joking with phrases like “serotonin machine broke”. And in serious cases use the hyper medicalised version of depression and mental illnesses in general as just a lack of a neurotransmitter. Either way, they are presenting depression as only a lack of serotonin.

Mental illness is not the same health struggle as type 1 diabetes and way more complex. Keep in mind even diabetes has other management factors than insulin. Comparing the two as the same or as competition is harmful to everyone.

Mental illness is more affected by environment and life factors than most non-psychological health conditions. Our bodies are complex and our mind cannot be separated from the rest of our body, but mental health is connected to our social-emotional state by treating it like we might a broken arm, heart defect or diabetes.

There is some truth in the idea of depression being only a “sick organ”. There are of course neurological and neurochemical aspects to be considered. The functioning of the Amygdala & Thalamus is altered and the size of the hippocampus are all affected. This was shown in many F-MRI’s, MRI studies. Chemically; Acetylcholine, Dopamine, Norepinephrine, Glutamate & GABA all play a role. Which in itself shows more complex neurobiological levels and shows overlap with PTSD and anxiety on physical and chemical levels.

There are genes linked to depression, but the idea that any depression is purely genetic or generally endogenic is not common. You may see it reported in some places, but the most common belief is that the “depression gene” does not cause depression on its own but instead predisposes you to it. Some studies suggest that possibly 40% of depression in a person may be genetic, but even that shows that 60% is environmental.

This complexity can be exacerbated as there are multiple physiological disorders and health conditions that can induce depressive symptoms due to multiple chemical imbalances and other functions. Chronic low blood pressure, CFS, diabetes, hypercalcemia, hypothyroidism, or vitamin deficiency can all mimic depression. These depressive symptoms can be better by treating the physical chronic health condition if not eliminated. Disability and chronic illness can be a trigger or layer of depressive disorders by both symptoms of the health condition and as a stressor or trauma that influences depression.

But what is key is that mental health is that layer of social, interpersonal, behavioral, environmental and systemic factors. We have to recognize all of this to understand our mental health and improve our situation.

It stops people considering all the factors that might influence the depression we may be suffering with and it’s always a layered experience.

Examples:

Ableism

Alienation brought on by capitalism

Attachment trauma

Child Abuse

Child Emotional Neglect

Classism

Community Trauma

Death of loved ones

Developmental Traumas

Disabilities & Disabilities

Domestic Violence

Environmental factors (Pollution)

Exposure to the criminal legal system

Global traumas

Homophobia

Incarceration

Intergenerational trauma

Lack of health care

Lack of housing

Lack of hobbies or creative outlets

Lack of social supports for issues like relationships or child care

Negative or toxic relationships

Misogyny

Poor Nutrition

Poverty

Our culture’s lack of emotional inelegance

Racism

Rape

The school system

Sexual Abuse

Spiritual well-being deficits

Substances Abuse Disorder

Your Job

Another common phrase is “if you can’t make a serotonin store-bought is a fine” way of addressing depression. They tend to be moderately effective, even the big headlines saying; “The drugs do work” or “antidepressants proved better than placebo”. The studies are not nearly definitive, including admitting the drugs only work moderately well. Many studies show inconclusive evidence or even show almost no evidence that antidepressants have a major curative power for depression, with high relapse rates and rates that are equal or lesser to other forms of treatment.

I’m not against them but we need to be cautious of and more informed. For example, Understand antidepressants aren’t just concentrated serotonin you aren’t taking serotonin or getting “store-bought”. Only a few psychiatric drugs are directly ingesting the neurotransmitter.

The Rates of depression have gone up in the past 25 years, not down. Our most recent numbers (2017) showed a rate of 7.1% in US adults and 1991 there was only a rate of 3.3%. If our steady increase in medications for depression were having a massive effect, we should have a decrease at least in the rates of major depressive episodes a year, if those with chronic depression were treated and the medication fixed the neurotransmitter problems there should be fewer repeat episodes. Now we can say some stigma decrease allows better treatment sure and contributes to higher rates, but the key part is a lack of systemic improved outcomes.

A rate of around 13% is shown in adolescents. A rise in extreme pressure in school, media consumption rates, climate grief and other social factors are all indicated to have effects. If social factors improve, these rates may decrease.

Those social factors show in the data:

Indigenous Americans and Alaskan Natives have higher rates of depression and other mental health groups.

Black and Hispanic populations tend to have more persistent and chronic depression.

Women and adolescent girls both have higher rates than those of the opposite sex.

Mixed-race people have the highest rates of depression among racial groups

Low socioeconomic status is a risk factor in developing depression and all mental health issues.

The hyper-medicalization of mental health is for-profit and born from the dismissal of childhood trauma and connected to misogyny and classism. The APA has had a history of connections to powerful groups and dismissing trauma for years, even going as far as to say horrific abuses like incest, being possibly beneficial or at least harmless to children. To this day they still refuse to understand developmental trauma and DTD. The DSM also tends to pathologize behaviours linked to stress in children, labelling them as oppositional defiant (ODD) instead of asking why.

Social political factors not taken into account, leaving our mental health and social support system lacking the tools to address the specific needs of Marginalised communities.

The hyper-medical model is also politically advantageous. If we do not notice that the way our model of employment, social precarity and systemic failures are causing depression and other illness, then we won’t’ fight back. If we don’t understand how our culture steeped in abuse affects our health we won’t change it. A healthier culture would help combat all mental health problems including depression.

Depression needs to be understood as not just your brain being a sick organ or an illness “just like any other”. Because the fact is it’s not. It’s extremely context-dependent and it’s interesting and complicated. Socio-political circumstance, environment, physical health, childhood and interpersonal relationships all impact our depression.

Which is good in some ways, because we can help alter some of those and important insights showing us combating oppression and our political system would help us! It shows us we have to be holistic in our approach.

If we have people who only think in the medicalised only structure it opens the door for the “sceptics”, “faith healers” and “ The Secret peddler” telling us to pray or “manifest” our depression away. Which is dangerous faith is important and we ought to be critical of pharmacological companies but we can’t throw neuropsychology out entirely and definitely can’t fall into toxic “self Help” or Goop style woo.

It’s healing to know you’re not stuck with a broken brain. But a brain that is struggling through multiple stressors and is currently not operating properly. But you can help it through therapy, behaviour changes, connecting with others, combating alienation, learning, needed medical intervention grounding skills, emotional regulation techniques and becoming embodied.

And by knowing while you can help yourself, you’re not the problem and nor is your body. The problem is also social factors and your history of stress and/or trauma. Which means your body is not fighting against you or failing you. Which is so liberating. Knowing what is and isn’t in your control.

Depression is not just a lack of serotonin or part of your brain that’s broken, it’s complex and complicated and tied in with our culture of abuse and trauma.

Citations undercut

Kirsch I (2019) Placebo Effect in the Treatment of Depression and Anxiety. Front. Psychiatry 10:407. DOI: 10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00407

Martin, Elizabeth I et al. “The neurobiology of anxiety disorders: brain imaging, genetics, and psychoneuroendocrinology.” The psychiatric clinics of North America vol. 32,3 (2009): 549-75. DOI:10.1016/j.psc.2009.05.004

Sandeep K and Rajmeet S: Role of different neurotransmitters in anxiety: a systemic review. Int J Pharm Sci Res 2017; 8(2): 411-21.doi: 10.13040/IJPSR.0975-8232.8(2).411-21.

Socioeconomic Status and Mental Illness: Tests of the Social Causation and Selection Hypotheses, “Christopher G. Hudson, Ph.D., Salem State College; American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, Vol. 75, No. 1.

12-19-17 Fact Sheet_Diversity.indd

A., Van der Kolk Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books, 2015.

“Big New Study Confirms Antidepressants Work Better than Placebo.” NHS Choices, NHS, 22 Feb. 2018, www.nhs.uk/news/medication/big-new-study-confirms-antidepressants-work-better-placebo/.

Hari, Johann. “Is Everything You Think You Know about Depression Wrong?” The Guardian, Guardian News and Media, 7 Jan. 2018, www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jan/07/is-everything-you-think-you-know-about-depression-wrong-johann-hari-lost-connections?CMP=share_btn_tw.

Harvard Health Publishing. “What Causes Depression?” Harvard Health, Harvard University, 24 June 2019, www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/what-causes-depression.

Johnson, Adam H, and Nima Shirazi. “Citations Nedded.” Citations Nedded, 6 May 2020, https://citationsneeded.libsyn.com/episode-109-self-help-culture-and-the-rise-of-corporate-happiness-monitoring.

Levinson, Douglas F, and Walter E Nichols. “Major Depression and Genetics.” Stanford Medicine, Stanford University , med.stanford.edu/depressiongenetics/mddandgenes.html.

Lorant, V. “Socioeconomic Inequalities in Depression: A Meta-Analysis.” American Journal of Epidemiology, vol. 157, no. 2, 15, Jan. 2003, pp. 98–112., doi:10.1093/aje/kwf182.

“Major Depression.” National Institute of Mental Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Feb. 2019, www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/major-depression.shtml.

“Native American Communities and Mental Health.” Mental Health America, MHA, 2016, www.mhanational.org/issues/native-american-communities-and-mental-health.

O'Shea, Breht. “Revolutionary Left Radio.” Revolutionary Left Radio, 20 Jan. 2019, https://revolutionaryleftradio.libsyn.com/drugs-addiction-and-social-conditions.

Schimelpfening, Nancy. “Factors That Could Increase Your Risk of Depression.” Verywell Mind, Verywell Mind, 21 Mar. 2020, www.verywellmind.com/common-causes-of-depression-1066772.

Weinhold, Barry K., and Janae B. Weinhold. Developmental Trauma: the Game Changer in the Mental Health Profession. CICRCL Press, 2018.

#depression #mental health #mental illness #abuse culture #trauma culture #actuallydepressed #serotonin #childhood trauma #child abuse #trauma #mental health misconceptions #mental health awareness #complex trauma #culture of abuse #cultural trauma #depressive disorders

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sharp-teeth-and-archived · 5 years

Text

— 3s

repost, don’t reblog

EVIE FRYE

3 STRENGTHS

Intelligence. Her father always praised her on her intelligence and how she’s always one step ahead of the enemy. She also got the hang of stuff in training, usually not needing much training sometimes. She wasn’t perfect in training, she made mistakes, and it often left her conflicted and in a negative mood. She went to Jacob mostly, ( or Jacob went to her, teasing lightly at first and then listened to her when she was being serious ). But she usually picked up on things quickly and always wanted to work on her skills and improve.

Loyalty. She always has loyalty in the Creed and would never betray it. She always puts the Creed first and tries her best to be a good representative of it.

Determination. She won’t give up until she gets to the bottom of something and completes it. This made her a bit of a perfectionist, putting too high of expectations upon herself, but her determination in getting things solved and her goals completed can’t be ignored.

3 WEAKNESSES

She puts too much loyalty and faith in her father’s words. She always tries to go off what he taught her, seeing them as pure fact and something that can’t be ignored -- even if it doesn’t work in some situations. In my own headcanon of her, it takes a longer while for her to learn that maybe her father wasn’t always right. He was human too and she has to think for herself sometimes.

Evie often overworks herself. She’s a bit of a perfectionist. She wants to be the best she can be, or better. She wants to overcome anything thrown at her and estimate her plan perfectly. She spends too much time focusing on her work, to get everything perfect, that she doesn’t pay attention to her own wellbeing sometimes. That often why she argues with Jacob and gets annoyed with him too easily, the perfectionist in her comes up and sees him as making a bad image for herself. It’s a really bad mindset on both sides, Jacob and her own, but over time (longer period than in the game, later 20′s or early 30′s), she cracks down on it and tries her best to improve on it. To not argue with Jacob so much and seeing how when she acts that way, it’s a big strain on their relationship. She tries her best to be less hard on Jacob.

Wants respect and to be seen as good in authority’s eyes. This happened more in her childhood, always wanting to be seen in a good light to her father. To have him believe in her and tell her she’s doing a good job, have his validation. This is a connection to her being a perfectionist and believing too heavily into her father’s words and teachings. She just wants her father to be proud of her and is extremely upset with herself if he isn’t.

3 SECRETS

Evie isn’t exactly closeted about her being bisexual. She just doesn’t talk about it openly and tends to lean more to the opposite gender. She isn’t opposed to getting in a relationship with the same sex, she would still feel similar feelings about relationships with either gender. Making it a bit hard to be in a relationship at the start, with either gender. She just doesn’t talk about it often. From the era she’s in, she’s less likely to talk about it. She isn’t ashamed of being bisexual, but it can be seen as a secret to others since she doesn't talk about it often. She’s in the mindset that works is more important than relationships, making it a bit hard for her to balance both, too.

Evie never kissed anyone. It’s a lame secret, but she never had the chance to. She put most of her time into her training and perfecting it, rather than Jacob who wen tout more often than her. From this mindset, it makes it a bit hard to be in a relationship with her. Other than the motto she uses so often, she isn’t experienced with a relationship.

Evie likely suffers from a sleeping disorder. She never thinks about it, only later in life, but most of the time she puts her work oversleep. Working until she passes out. The only time she gets an okay sleeping time is when she has a large plan the next day. It doesn’t happen that she wakes up early too. Like when she was going to assassinate Lucy Thorne or Starrick with Jacob, she tried her best to get at least eight hours or at a reasonable time than usual. With that, she doesn’t take good care of herself. Almost always overworking herself and putting others in front of her. She’s one to demand/tell someone to go to bed when it’s really late and they aren’t getting enough sleep lately, even though she does the same exact thing.

3 FEARS

On the inside, she’s afraid that her goals will fall through. She always tries her to bets to make sure that doesn't happen, but she can’t help but have that thought in the back of her mind.

Not being able to help people, be restricted. Either without being able to help someone or she can’t think of a solution. It would be torture for her to be stuck someplace and can’t get out or her skills being no use. Simply losing to a Templar is one of them. She always wants to be one step ahead of her enemy at all costs.

Her father not being proud of her, getting kicked out of the Brotherhood for some reason, the Creed thinking she isn’t a good assassin. Her being an assassin is basically her identity at this point, it’s all she’s known and she can’t think of doing anything else for a living. She always had the fear of her father not being proud of her one day. Not being able to meet his standards.

I know there’s only supposed to be three, but this is also important: Jacob dying on her or not being able to help Jacob in some way. Other than her father being disappointed in her and seen lowly by the Brotherhood, the other thing that would completely destroy Evie is if her brother dies before she does or she can’t save him. She always would put Jacob before her in any situation, even willing to sacrifice her life for his, no matter how angry she might be at him. Seeing him struggle, witnessing him killed, or anything like that would completely destroy her.

3 GOALS

To defeat the Templars, to eliminate their influence on London. It’s been her goal from the start, something she learned ever since she was a little girl.

To make sure Jacob is fine. It may sound stupid, but she never would want to see him hurt and would hope he lives a good life. On the inside, she saw how much he struggled in their childhood and with how their father talked so lowly of him sometimes -- she just hopes he has a better life now than then.

To help the people of London and to best represent the Creed/Brotherhood. Like her need for the approval of others higher up, she always wants to be a good representative.

tagged by: Stole it from @deadlyarccna

tagging: @silentknivves / @pettysake @formidablekind @culthcnt @matteredloyalty @brxssknuckld ( Jacob!! ) @badmcdicine @alosthorse @hopeandlimerence -- ( If you guys want to do this! )

#( Smells like Jacob's cooking. ; headcanons (( Evie Frye ))#( ooc )#//long post

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funkymbtifiction · 5 years

Text

Hello, mods.

I am insecure, I second guess myself. I have GAD

Other people say I worry too much, am hard on myself, am dedicated and proactive. I always take up more than I can handle because I feel to be enough, correct mystakes I need to do even more, to compensate for what I am (not worth it/wrong/not good enough/ a failure), then I will be able to relax because I have proven my worth. . I seek advice and help when I feel lost.

Is there any advice or new perspective you could give me to aid me in knowing if I am a 1+ GAD or a 6 core, please?

GAD should give you 6-like traits, except not the good ones. But how can I identify them in me? I am predisposed to only see bad thing in myself. How can I ignore that?

I know I have both tritype wise, because I identify with both. Too much.

I don’t know if first I act with my gut or withdraw to think, it depends on the situation. Which situation should I observe?

Thank you.

You sound like a self-preservation 1 first. They come across a lot like 6′s and can confuse themselves for 6 cores, but their motives are perfection rather than fear. (Read the link and see if it resonates with you.)

If you are stuck between types, you need to look at the failures AND the virtues of each type. The virtues of the 1s are being honest, above-board, and truthful (among many other things like being responsible); the virtues of the 6 are being efficient problem-solvers, easily able to identify what others want / cater to them by being funny and likable (as a defense mechanism and to build alliances), etc.

In my experience, 1s are less outward than 6s. Others notice their humor less, they tend to be more overall perfectionists (6s are more inclined to fret and plan ahead, but are not as ‘serious’ as the 1), and they are more concerned with black and white morality. This is where it gets sticky, because neither 1 nor 6 like people disagreeing with them -- but with the 1, it’s more of a moral issue, and with the 6, criticism or differences of opinions feel like an “attack.”

You may want to read OM’s 6 profile, and the 1 profile as well. One should resonate with you more. GAD should not be factored in when considering 6 -- 6′s are not automatically sufferers of anxiety disorders. Rather, 6′s are cautious, withdraw to analyze / intellectualize situations (rather than engage with them), and seek to build alliances with others out of distrust.

You also need to look inward and see if your non-GAD fears come from a place of being wrong (which means you are EVIL - 1) or from fearing a loss of security and allies (which would mean making decisions all on your own - 6).

Hope that helps!

- ENFP Mod

#enneagram #enneagram 1 #enneagram 6 #self preservation #submission

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williamcheart · 5 years

Text

- ̗̀ * ( bill skarsgard + cismale + he/him ) have you seen ( william ‘colt’ heart ii ) walking around campus ? they are a ( twenty-four ) year old, studying ( business + literature ). we hear they are in ( omicron tau xi ), and can be ( composed & detached ), maybe it’s because they are an ( aquarius ). they sort of remind us of ( chicken scratch handwriting, trembling hands, a coach’s whistle ), maybe we can find out more ! * ̖́- + literary magazine

u were all wondering whomstve the bill skarsgard fc reserve was . . . . it was I and i have no mcfuckin’ regrets. we love. and stan. william colton heart the second

tw. cancer, death, substance abuse, car accident, mental illness.

gen info!

full name: william colton heart ii

nickname(s): will to his family, colton/just colt to p much everybody else. his full name is reserved for family and when he’s in troubule tbh

b.o.d. - feb. 19th he an aquarius bby

label(s): the fallen, the phoenix, the crestfallen, etc. etc.

height: tall but taller than benjy tall like we’re talking a whopping 6′4″ jfc

hometown: beaufort, south carolina !!

sexuality: b...i...?

bio info!

born n raised in beaufort, south carolina--william is the eldest heart sibling

was a really quiet kid, tbh, like he minded his business and stuck close to the people he knew

always, always wanted to impress his parents, so he always studied hard for school and kind of put all his focus into it ??

it was a pressure for him, really, bc he’d always been told that he’s gonna inherit the family business like how his dad did, etc. etc.

and like...sweetie never wants to disappoint anyone, ever.

he was never considered a nerd tho?? like he’s always been freakishly tall, and his quietness sort of made him intimidating to be around b/c it always felt like he was judging u bc he’d always have to look down at u

has always been super protective over his younger siblings, feels as if it’s his duty to be the put-together brother

he’s never had to fight anybody tho, and like, thank god for that b/c he’s definitely not a fighter, considers himself to be a pacifist for the most part

bc like...he can just stare u down and ur like uuuh gtg bye !!1!111!!!

anyways, grew up riding horses, finds it v v peaceful but he stopped when they moved to california

but track has always been his kinda thing regardless of where he’s at, tried out for track his freshmen yr of high school n was the star of the team tbh

he met a gal going by the name dinah during a track meet the middle of his freshmen yr

she was taking photos for the yearbook and stuttered over her words more often than not, even when she teased william

and like...tbh? william adored her immediately

it really wasn’t soon at all until they started dating, like, they were the high school couple

they complimented each other v v well and were prolly always together lbr

i’m hc’ing that his family also adored dinah like it’s law

dinah is the one who like...really encouraged him to pursue writing as something more serious than just for fun, because will had always enjoyed writing--esp poetry--but he didn’t want it to get in the way of his future w the stables ??

and like...fuck, they were so cute, guys. they were so mf cute.

dinah got diagnosed w/ lung cancer in the beginning of their junior year; she began online school halfway thru b/c she didn’t have the energy physically to go to class, went thru a looot of chemo

william was with her the entire time, y’know, if he wasn’t in school or at track he’d probably be with her the most, trying to cheer her up in the ways he could, helped her study for their SATs bc he knew it was rly important to her

by the summer she was in remission and they thought that was it--still super fucking careful, but they really genuinely thought that that was the end of it y’know ?? that she’d just be better ??

they got into a few months of senior year with her being healthy enough to go to school again, but the further time passed...dinah relapsed, rapidly, and the cancer had spread to other parts of her body

they spent their last valentine’s day in the hospital, and the next day she was gone

it...crushed william, just kind of changed his life, y’know? dinah was all he knew and he really didn’t know how to live w/o her

spent a lot of his time locked away in his room or never even home to begin with, just wandering about hopelessly or sleeping, or trying to sleep that is

poured his heart into his poetry, though--in dinah’s honor, he tried so mf hard to keep doing what he loved even though he was so hurt

it was because of his constant hard work, and dinah’s past encouragements, that william entered and won a poetry contest during his senior year. got a hella scholarship that made everybody proud of him, just b/c he was ~defying odds~

kinda put on this mask so that others wouldn’t see how bad he was doing ?? b/c he’s the level-headed brother, y’kno, the one who always had his shit together and knew what he was doing

dinah and william won cutest couple and even prom king n queen as a sort of tribute to dinah but will didn’t even go to prom tbh he got drunk and threw cans of beer off of a cliff

anyways, he graduated high school n attended ucla bc that was his dad’s school and gdi he’s tryn his best to follow in his footsteps

even got into his dad’s frat b/c he was that determined

he didn’t rly partake much in parties but he did indulge every once in a while, y’know, just to do it, was finally getting his shit back together and doing well for once y’know?? he joined track n took it p seriously

when angela heart died, all of that fell apart again

he took an entire year off of school b/c at that point his mental health had taken a really bad turn, depression was sort of controlling his life and he was spiraling so mf far down that he sometimes couldn’t recognize himself

during that time he published his first and second poetry book under w.c. heart; it’s super morbid, depressing, you can pretty much feel his depression as it manifests in the pages. it begins with poetry from his earlier years, of when he was with dinah and then afterwards, when she dies

the second poetry book is about healing, and then how sometimes you can fall back even when you’re doing good (i.e. around the time lil baby angel died)

when he finally did go back to school he had a much better mindset, seemed to be doing well--was one of the best on the track team--partied a little harder, did drugs more often than usual but nothing too extreme y’know ??

his junior year he got into a p bad car accident n derailed into a body of water after crashing his side of the car into another and losing control of his vehicle

like honestly thank god for the stranger who immediately stopped their car and went totally-hero on the situation, they got william out of the car before he could drown and essentially saved his life, before calling 911 and just. disappearing as soon as the sirens were audible

somehow his left leg got mc’fucked in the incident and it just so happened to ruin his track career

also gave william a fear of swimming/deep water + driving. like. he never wants to be in control of a car again. it really added onto his anxiety and was probably the root of his panic disorder tbh

he took another year off of school to recover from his injuries and to just fucking...put himself in some therapy, because he knows. when it’s time to take care of himself. is really still determined to b the best, he’s just trying to take his time now.

got addicted to painkillers b/c of the injury, sought them out after his prescription ran out; it varies between oxy, vicodin, n percocets and like...they mix really badly w/ his antidepressants tbh ??

that’s v v hush-hush bc he doesn’t want people to worry about him moreso than they already do after like...all these tragic mf events y’know.

he had moved out of his greek house to live on his own but after his second time coming back to ucla he moved back in b/c that way somebody could kick his ass if he fell down the rabbit hole again y’know

his antidepressant, lexapro, causes hallucinations and now he’s been seeing dinah everywhere, hearing her voice, etc. etc. he thinks he’s finally going insane and also keeps it v hush hush b/c he doesn’t want people to think he is

he looks worse for wear but he just. keeps on pretendin’.

personality!

he’s just ... really calm tbh?

he’s always been the (or one of the) least fussy child, hated starting conflicts

if anything he’s always been a mediator ?? the peacemaker, tries to resolve things before they get outta hand

he hates fighting, physical n verbal, refuses to partake in it

even when dinah n him would get into arguments he’d be really quiet during them

that being said he wasn’t like antisocial or anything just bc he was quiet y’know ??

he was the quiet cool dude who was always popular for some fucking reason (its the height im telling u) and offered rly good advice

he’s a big fucking softie lemme tell u . . . he cries at most movies tbh

v intelligent, still carries small dumbass energy b/c he doesn’t make the best choices as u can tell

v v good at his craft, has been working on his third poetry book but has a lil bit of writer’s block atm and it’s ? torturing him tbh ?

he’s got a sense of humor but it’s like . . . kind of morbid tbh like he deals w shit via locking up his emotions and using humor as a coping mechanism

he’s a sentimental piece of shit tho we love him. he has a bottle of dinah’s favorite perfume and sprays his bed w it before he goes to sleep

that being said he really...isn’t over her, still, y’know ??

he’s 100% sure that she was his soulmate and he doesn’t think she could ever be replaced

(silly boy u cant replace people ! u just. meet people who fit u in other ways.)

hates being babied b/c he’s the oldest goddammit, that’s his job

he has a lil bit of a limp but like . . . that’s just bc his leg hurty

did i mention he’s protective bc he 100% is like listen.

he can bully his siblings. u cannot. that’s the rule sorry

even when his siblings r bullying each other he like body-flops on top of them and is p much like fucking Stop

he’s in his last yr of college but he’s doing grad school right after b/c he rly. doesn’t wanna b a partner w his dad. he doesn’t wanna own the stables or breed horses. he’s troy bolton and writing is his singing, horsebreeding is his basketball.

okay he really wants to know who tf pulled him outta the water b/c he never got to say thank u and he’s just like ?? LET ME SAY THANK U GODDAMMIT

he’s lowkey in the party scene but he’s also a bit of a wallflower when it comes to them, he prefers to drink his alcohol n watch ppl b idiots or sit on a roof high off his ass with a pal

he’ll fuck u but he wont date u but like so will most of the guys so he’s not unique he’s just a hashtag tortured artist

like it’s so hard for him to connect w others in a potentially romantic way ?? bc he just doesn’t feel anything and u cant really blame him for it tbh

has panic attacks n insomnia but u aint hear it from me

ironically........has taken up smoking cigarettes, as well.......even tho his gf died from lung cancer.......will why?

oh right bc i commanded thee

wanted connections !!

WHO PULLED HIM OUTTA THAT MF CAR CRASH ?? - i wanna know mf !!

his siblings uwu - GIVE US THE LAST HEART. PLEASE.

roommate - !! they can b chill or hate each other tbh who knows

frat bros - please.

uuuh general friends i guess ??

will they wont they - they’re rly close but will is really dumb and straight refuses to acknowledge the fact that they’d b like . . . perfect together

general unrequited things - william is emotionally unavailable, lmao, let’s see how that works w others

current hookups - he’s a bit of a slut, let’s b real. we ain’t shaming him b/c we don’t do that in 2k19 but we also speaking truths

good influences - please...help him get better

confidantes - somebody he just can fuckin complain to w/o feeling shitty or guilty for it

bad influences - make him. worse. he’s doing bad but he’s not at his worst yet.

anything. else. u want. i will do. i can do. i am god. i have ultimate power. william is my pAWN.

#uclas:intro #lmao here he is #please love him he's fragile #he's a good boy he's just a lil damaged #very damaged #but ykno...he's fine #smoking tw #uwuwuwuwu

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upontheshelfreviews · 5 years

Text

If there’s a reason why we’re able to recall the story of Snow White from memory, and why said princess is usually depicted with short hair, a cute bow and surrounded by woodland fauna, look no further than Disney. Their take on the Grimms’ fairy tale is the prime example of pop cultural osmosis. Even if you’ve never watched Disney’s Snow White, it’s easy to recognize when a piece of work is borrowing from it or spoofing it. And I can definitely see why – not only is it going eighty-plus years strong, but its influence on nearly every Disney feature to come after it is a profound one.

The real story of Disney’s Snow White begins in the early 1910’s when a young Walt Disney saw a silent film version of the Grimms’ fairytale starring Marguerite Clark. The movie stuck with him well into adulthood. One night, well after he had established himself as an animation giant the world over, Walt gathered his entire staff of animators and storymen and re-enacted the tale for them in a mesmerizing one-man show. They were enraptured, but what he told them next struck them dumb – they were going to take what he performed and turn it into a full-length film.

In Tony Goldmark’s epic(ally hilarious) retrospective of Epcot, he performs a quick sketch he summed up as “Walt Disney’s entire career in 55 seconds” where Walt presents his career-defining ideas to a myopic businessman capable of only saying “You fool, that’ll never work!”. Considering how animation is everywhere today, it’s easy to forget that an animated film was once seen as an impossible dream. The press hawked Snow White as “Disney’s Folly”, and Hollywood speculated that it would bankrupt the Mouse House. It very nearly did. Miraculously, a private showing of the half-finished feature to a banking firm impressed the investors enough to ensure its completion.

Snow White is touted as the very first animated movie – admittedly something of a lie on Disney’s behalf. Europe and Russia were experimenting with feature-length animation decades before Walt gave it a try. But consider this: most animated films predating Snow White’s conception are either sadly lost to us or barely count as such by just crossing the hour mark. With all the hard work poured into it showing in every scene, with each moment displaying a new breakthrough in the medium, Snow White might as well be the first completely animated movie after all. Hell, it’s the very first movie in the entire history of cinema that was created using STORYBOARDS. A tool used by virtually every single movie put out today. If that’s not groundbreaking enough, I don’t know what is.

But is Snow White really…but why does it…can it…

“You know what? No. I’m not doing this teasing question thing before the review starts proper. OF COURSE Snow White is a masterpiece. OF COURSE most of it holds up. Let’s skip the middleman so I can explain why.”

After the opening credits we get the first of what will be many Disney leather bound books opening themselves to invite us into the world of the story. We’re informed that once upon a time there was a particularly Wicked Queen (nicknamed Grimhilde in promo features and the comics) who had a serious narcissistic personality disorder. Every day she consults her Magic Mirror™ to see who’s the fairest one of all and takes pride in being repeatedly told she holds said title. In the meantime she bullies her younger, prettier stepdaughter, the princess Snow White, and gives her the standard Cinderella treatment in the hopes that endless drudgery will wipe out the competition.

One fateful morning, however, the Mirror informs the Queen that she’s been bumped down to runner-up. She susses out that it’s Snow White who’s taken her place after the Mirror describes the newcomer as having “lips red as the rose, hair black as ebony, [and] skin white as snow”, but maybe the Queen is projecting here due to her extreme jealousy. Going by those three traits the Mirror could be describing almost anyone on the planet.

Care to narrow it down a bit, buddy?

Now if you consider yourself a feminist or at the very least have progressive views regarding women, I know what you’re thinking – just another example of the patriarchy pitting shallow female stereotypes against each other, right? Well in a manner of speaking, yes. There’s plenty of evidence that the Brothers Grimm held some odious misogynistic beliefs that stemmed from a bad combination of the era they lived in, outdated religious teachings, and their own experiences with the opposite sex. It shows in their second fairy tale revisions – the heroines are naïve bimbos in need of a man’s rescue, and the villains are evil stepmothers and witches who happen to be hideous 99% of the time – and those views have been reinforced in our society thanks to those particular iterations being passed down to today.

Here’s my way of viewing the central conflict: The Mirror’s news is a wake-up call that Snow White is coming into her own as a woman and princess. That means marriage to a prince and the end of the Wicked Queen’s rule. Snow White will have all the power and adulation while the Queen is forced to step down and become another footnote in ancient royal history. Up until now the Queen has gone out of her way put down her pretty young opponent with petty cruelty because there’s nothing stopping her; but when faced with the inevitable, she unflinchingly opts to take more drastic measures so she can keep the throne.

If it weren’t for the fact the Queen’s unofficial moniker is Grimhilde and her transformation scene reveals a head of black hair, I’d suspect her real name was Cersei Lannister.

You also have to remember that the Queen takes the term “fairest” at face value. The Queen is beautiful, sure, but it’s a glacial beauty – cold, unfeeling, and nothing beneath the surface. All she cares about is looks and power. You’d have to be a pure loving soul or Woody Allen find something worthwhile in her. Snow White is beautiful too, though it’s her kindness and fair treatment of everyone that garners her the title of “fairest one of all”, not her appearance.

Speaking of, we follow that scene with Snow White (Adriana Casselotti) dressed in rags cleaning the castle courtyard. She shows her bird friends her wishing well and sings “I’m Wishing”, where she reveals her wish for her one true love to show up.

Confession time: In childhood the title of my favorite Disney princess was neck and neck between Belle from Beauty and the Beast and Snow White. I’ve already discussed at length why I adore Belle, so I suppose I should do the same for Snow.

…turns out it’s more difficult than I thought.

For as long as I could remember, I was surrounded by Snow White paraphernalia – tapes, toys, dolls, music, games, artwork, bed sheets, I can even recall the ice show. Snow White is ingrained into my early years. It more than likely has to do with the timing of its brief return to theaters and first VHS release between 1993 and 1994, right at the peak of the Disney Renaissance, so I experienced Snow White-mania right alongside Lion King-mania, Beauty and the Beast-mania and various other Disneymanias that were rampant at that time.

Even this one, embarrassingly.

As a result, I idolized Snow White as much the other princesses of the time, right down to making her the character I dressed up as the most for Halloween. I suppose what drew me to her was inherent kindness, ability to make friends with everyone, and her voice. Yes, I admit it. I don’t find Snow White’s warbling to be as irritating as everyone says it is. Maybe I’ve listened to it so much that I’ve grown immune. Then again I am that one Disney fan who doesn’t loathe It’s A Small World with every fiber of their being so maybe I should question my own tastes more.

Now as an adult with a critical eye who can put nostalgia behind me when necessary, is there something more to the character of Snow White that’s worth appreciating as much as the more-fleshed out princesses of the Renaissance and current Revival period?

I accept that I’m in the minority on this one, but I firmly say yes.

I know what you’re thinking – all Snow White does is smile and sing while she slaves under the Queen and the dwarfs and dreams of a handsome man to come carry her away, so I should turn in my feminist card for daring to suggest she’s a good character and role model for girls, right? Consider this: like Cinderella after her, Snow White’s happy nature and songs are her ways of coping with her unpleasant situation. It keeps her spirits up and in turn she tries to spread that positivity to others who need it as well. She refuses to let the Queen’s negativity turn her as sour as she is. All the little things Snow White reveals in what she does – her patience, pride in her work, healthy emotional balance, drive to help others, and warmth towards those smaller than her (in both a figurative and literal sense) – are all signs that she is capable of being a far better and beloved ruler and all around person than the Queen is. Plus, her reason for wanting to find love is two-fold: not only is she looking for someone with whom she can share a unique emotional understanding bond – which is something most every human craves – but it’s the also best possible means for her to escape from her stepmother’s abuse. Like I said earlier, once Snow White gets the ring, she gets to rule.

And what’s wrong with having a princess who can run a practical household? One could argue that it’s an example of traditional female roles desired by an oppressive patriarchal society on full display, but you want to know why millennials are called out for being lazy? Because baby boomers have cut out classes that teach things young adults actually need outside of school like how to properly cook and do laundry and pay your taxes since those weren’t seen as “essential enough to education”. So I have to admire a princess who, while not the most “progressive” of the bunch by today’s standards, is willing and able take care of herself and others when it comes to basic everyday needs. I think TheBrutallyHonestMom summed it up best in her post defending Snow White:

When we denigrate what Snow White accomplishes at the dwarfs’ cottage, when we rename her accomplishments to make them sound more impressive, more official, more valuable—management, administration, domestic CEO, sous chef, hospitality specialist—what we are really doing is saying that we don’t value the truly valuable work that she and so many other stay-at-home individuals do. Those words are a microaggression against what have traditionally been feminine roles, an attempt to align them with a patriarchal worldview where only those with the biggest titles and fattest paychecks matter. Snow White is domestic. She is a maid. She is a mother figure. She does take on the womanliest of the womanly roles. To claim that adopting these roles (and being good at them) somehow makes her a poor role model for my daughters is not a failure of Snow White’s imagination. It is a failure of ours.

Then there’s the matter of her actress too, which I can’t stay silent about. A few years ago it was revealed that in order to preserve the illusion of Snow White as a real character (a good many years before the company applied that same logic to their character performers at the theme parks I might add), Disney forced Adriana Casselotti to forego her screen credit and never take on another acting role again, essentially robbing her of a career. She only managed to appear in It’s A Wonderful Life and The Wizard of Oz because hers were uncredited minute parts. Casselotti had no regrets about choosing Snow White over a promising show business vocation, but I still call bull on the matter. If this kind of thing happened today, people would not stand for it, character illusions or not. There’s also crazy double standards since all the actors who played the dwarfs got to keep on acting; Sneezy’s voice actor was in Fun and Fancy Free for crying out loud! I love ya Walt, but that is one dick move. So if you’re a detractor cheering that you never have to hear Casselotti’s voice beyond this movie, keep in mind that’s all because of one man silencing her for the sake of his business.

So, Snow White. She cooks, cleans, delegates, teaches, loves, domestically kicks ass, and her behind the scenes story makes a strong case for the Time’s Up movement. Any questions?

“Yes. You’re over 2000 words in and we haven’t even gotten to the dwarfs yet. Plan on getting off that soapbox sometime this decade?”

Snow’s singing attracts the attention of a handsome Prince (Harry Stockwell) passing by on his horse. But his forwardness startles the shy girl and sends her sprinting up to her room. He charms her out to her balcony by singing his one song in the feature…”One Song”. You gotta love it when the title matches the tune perfectly.

“Wherefore art thou Prince? Deny thy father and refuse thy name!”

“Sure I’ll gladly refuse my name – if I had one, that is.”

All joking aside, I have a soft spot for this scene. Stockwell’s voice has this old-time Broadway/operetta quality I’ve always liked, the lyrics are unironic purple prose that still feel genuine, Snow’s little excited gestures are adorable, and it’s framed beautifully. This is what got it into my heard early on that the most romantic gesture anyone can make is serenading someone from beneath their balcony.

“Too bad you’re technically in a long distance relationship.”

“I know. Propping up a phone beneath your window just doesn’t have the same effect.”

Snow returns his affections with a kiss delivered via a dove and departs the scene with one hell of a pair of bedroom eyes, especially for a Disney character.

Daaaaaamn, girl! You already got him hooked, no need to gild the lily!

Unbeknownst to either of them, the Queen is watching overhead; Snow catching the eye of Prince Charming is what finally pushes her to take further action. She summons her Huntsman –

– to bring Snow White out into the forest and do away with her. Brief as this scene may be, there are two things I really like about it. First, the gravity. The Huntsman reacts with horror on being told what he must do, foreshadowing his eventual turnaround, yet with an icy hiss of “Silence!” and a short reminder of the price of failure, the Queen goads him back into line. We don’t know what the penalty for insubordination is, but it’s implied to be pretty nasty if she’s able to convince him otherwise with just a few words. Second, the Queen’s other demand. In the original fairytale, the Queen requested Snow White’s liver, lungs and heart so she could eat them and inherit her stepdaughter’s comely attributes.

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But here in the film, she only wants the heart, and not for lunch. The Queen wants to keep it as a trophy. She even has a disturbingly appropriate box for it at the ready.

Proof that she really puts the ‘grim’ in ‘Grimhilde’.

Snow White, now dressed in her iconic yellow and blue dress, goes out flower picking with the Huntsman waiting not far behind. She spies a lost baby bird, and the moment she turns her back to help it, the Huntsman moves in for the kill. It’s framed like the murderer creeping up to their next victim in a scary movie, slowly building up to the moment he confronts her, with tension you could cut with a – well, you know.

Ultimately the Huntsman is moved by the princess’ humanity and can’t go through with the deed. Instead he reveals the Queen’s plot and pleads her to run, run away, Snow, and never return. Terrified, Snow White flees into the forest where her fears magnify her surroundings. Brambles become gnarled outstretched hands, logs are hungry snapping crocodiles, and there are eyes everywhere, always watching, boring into her every place she turns.

I should note that while developing Snow White, the Disney studio became something of an art college with fine arts and film study classes offered to the staff in order to hone their craft. Some of the movies they studied were horror flicks from the pre-Hays Code era, classics directed by the likes of James Whale and F.W. Murnau. The results speak for themselves. Scenes like this and the Queen’s transformation are why I consider Snow White my very first horror movie. The frightening imagery and darker themes all hide beneath a veneer of Disney childhood innocence. Like a proto-Pan’s Labyrinth, the terror as much psychological as it is fantastical.

A young Sam Raimi watched this and vowed one day he’d make those trees even more terrifying and bad-touchy.

This scene is also the source of one of the most famous stories to come out of the film’s creation. During the planning of the part where Snow falls backwards through an open-mouthed cavern into a lake, one of the animators cried out in terror “Won’t that kill her??” And the whole room fell silent. They reached the point where they no longer thought of Snow White as a cartoon but as an actual person, something that had never happened before. That was the moment where they were officially, as Ben Vereen once put it, on the right track.

Overwhelmed, Snow White collapses in tears. She’s brought back to her senses by the usual cuddly forest inhabitants inexplicably drawn to female royalty in need of assistance. Of course, being the ever-thoughtful soul that she is, Snow apologizes for startling them and making a fuss over how afraid she was, once more putting others before herself. She bonds with the animals through the uplifting “With a Smile and a Song”. Then she spends several minutes talking to them and making plans for the future all in rhyme. I confess it’s one of the weaker moments of the movie, showing that the studio’s transition from the Silly Symphonies to full-fledged filmmaking hasn’t completely been made yet.

The critters lead Snow to a quaint cottage in need of a good cleaning service. Assuming the miniature-sized furniture means the inhabitants are orphaned children, she decides to surprise them by sprucing up the joint, hoping her act of kindness will make them forget her breaking and entering and they’ll let her stay. Said cleanup time is underscored by one of the more upbeat tunes in Disney’s songbook, “Whistle While You Work”. Like Mary Poppin’s “A Spoonful of Sugar” it’s all about finding joy in the little things that make the work go by quicker.

“Here’s the last of the underwear, Bambi. And try not leave any ticks in the laundry this time!”

But as we all know, the cottage belongs not to seven children, but seven little people who work as jewel miners, all the while singing that famous mining song –

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“No, the one sung by dwarves.”

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“Seriously?!”

All joking aside, Heigh-Ho is the best song in the movie, no contest. Easily the catchiest tune here if not the entire Disney canon. If it can keep a theater full of gremlins occupied, it’s doing something right.

Sure, they whistle while they work for now. But once they find the Arkenstone it’s all downhill from here.

And let’s not kid ourselves, the dwarfs are the real reason why we keep returning to Snow White. Their quirk-matching names and designs make each one memorable, they’re endlessly entertaining, and they’re the characters that come the closest to having some form of arc. The group is a prime example of the illusion of life that is animation, exaggerated to a degree that they’re still believable in their movements and mannerisms. Dopey especially works well in this regard, a wonder considering much of his character was developed by happy accident. When an actor suitable enough couldn’t be found, they made the decision to simply mute him. Like much of Disney’s favorite animal sidekicks, they based his personality around that of a lovable dog, though I’d be lying if I didn’t see some Harpo Marx in there as well. As a result, his childlike playfulness and comic timing is up there with Chaplin’s Little Tramp. His hitch step was also an unexpected boon; after animator Frank Thomas put it in one of his scenes, Walt liked it so much that he insisted all previously animated footage of Dopey be redone to include that step. Incidentally, Frank’s popularity among the animation staff reached all-time lows after that announcement.

Snow White flops down for a quick nap on the beds upstairs just as the dwarfs return home. What follows is them sneaking about their now suspiciously squeaky-clean cottage and further establishing their personas through a series of finely-tuned gags (Walt paid five dollars for every good joke his guys could come up with, and this was when five dollars could take you out to dinner and a show). Dopey is elected to check the bedroom and he comes to the conclusion that Snow’s sleeping form is a monster. The dwarfs work up their courage to go kill the beast themselves only to realize in the nick of time that it’s just a harmless girl. But Grumpy, the clear-cut misogynist in the group, isn’t keen on having a “wicked-wiled” female refugee in their abode and shamelessly yells “Let ‘er wake up, she don’t belong here no-how!”

Snow wakes up and instantly charms over everyone except Grumpy as they introduce each other. The dwarfs are shocked and terrified to learn the Queen has put a hit out on her. Grumpy in particular declares the Queen is a powerful witch skilled in the black arts, which is true, and it raises a potent question. Is her magic common knowledge throughout the kingdom, or is it mere speculation? If it’s the former, how did that come to be? What happened to Snow White’s father the king anyhow? All this could make for a very interesting –

“You know what, never mind, forget I said it -“

“Too late! Jenkins, write that down! Bob’s gonna love it!”

“Very good, sir. Shall I pre-heat your crack pipe in preparation for the first draft writing session?”

“Does the Academy loathe streaming services? Hop to it, my man!”

“Hey, I thought you left that jerk to go work for Don Bluth.”

“Shh! I jumped ship after A Troll in Central Park and came back under a new identity. I couldn’t pass up the bankroll Disney’s been on since 2009.”

“Mum’s the word.”

Grumpy’s certain that they’ll be in the Queen’s crosshairs once she learns they’ve been harboring Snow White and demands they kick her out at once. But Snow White stands up for herself and says she can take care of the house for them if they let her stay. Just like Belle offering herself in her father’s place, no one corners Snow into the position of housekeeper. She’s the one who puts herself out there, listing all her best qualities like she’s on an interview. It’s only when she does so (and also mentions she can bake a mean gooseberry pie) that the dwarfs overrule Grumpy and declare she’s welcome in their home.

Yet even when all is said and done, Snow makes it clear that if she’s the one doing the work, then the dwarfs must play by her rules. Immediately following their acceptance, she goes into full Team Mom mode, insisting they improve their manners and wash themselves before dinner’s ready. Doc attempts to get around it by saying they cleaned up “recently”, but despite her sweet nature, Snow won’t let them walk all over her. She does a cleanliness inspection that makes the dwarfs almost as bashful as Bashful himself, and even gets a good bit of sarcasm in (“Why Doc, I’m surprised.”) The dwarfs washing themselves is another one of those Silly Symphony-esque filler scenes, but at least it gives us more time for their fun shenanigans; though I have to wonder if dog piling Grumpy and half-drowning him takes it too far.

“Where’s the money, Legrumpski? Where’s the fucking money??” “It’s down there somewhere, lemme take another look.”

Back at the castle, the Queen is showing off her newly acquired bodily organ to the Magic Mirror while demanding he validate her preconceptions of who’s fair and who’s not. Alas, the Mirror tattles on Snow White’s location and reveals that heart belonged to a pig, which I’ve got to say I’m glad they didn’t show how the Huntsman got ahold of.

Infuriated, the Queen storms down to her secret lab (and no, there’s no wrong lever scene. I’m disappointed too). She brews up a potion made up of ingredients like scream of fright, a thunderbolt and partially hydrogenated dimethylpolysiloxane which will completely transform her into a disguise nobody could suspect her in, an aged peddler woman.

Was I afraid of this scene way back when? Of course, but it was one of those rare moments where I didn’t want to look away either. Here we have a woman dangerously obsessed with beauty becoming the very thing she loathes in order to sate her implacable desires. Not only that but in this disguise she’s able to set loose the insanity buried deep beneath her frigid calculating exterior, grinning and cackling like the witch that she is. The Queen never smiles once when she’s in her true form. But once she’s the old Hag and it’s all cackling and gap-toothed smiles, it’s extremely unnerving.

Case in point.

“Anyone else miss the creepy fade to black where the villain’s eyes remain for a few seconds? Disney needs to bring that back.”

Major props to Lucille LaVerne, who gives a bone chilling and utterly unrecognizable performance as BOTH the Queen and the Hag. She made the switch from one role to the next by removing her false teeth between recording sessions. In doing so she gave us one of the great Disney villain performances.

The part where she preps the infamous poisoned apple does undercut some of her menace, however. The Hag is supposed to be sharing her scheming with a cowardly raven, but due to how much she stares directly into the camera while monologuing, it comes off as directly addressing the audience, like we’re watching her in a play. It’s not just the Silly Symphony style of storytelling creeping in, it’s melodramatic semi-vaudevillian theatrics that early Hollywood was moving well away from at this point. And again, what’s with the sudden speaking in rhyme?

At the last moment the Hag looks up a possible antidote to the poison and learns that it’s Love’s First Kiss. However she scoffs at the notion that Snow White can be saved because she’s counting on the dwarfs believing the princess is dead and burying her alive.

“For those of you who claim Disney waters down fairy tales into saccharine pap, I point you to Snow White.”

And it doesn’t end there. As the Hag leaves the dungeons, she passes a cell where a skeleton is sprawled out between the bars, reaching for a water pitcher. It’s bad enough to imagine this poor soul dying of thirst, spending their last moments with salvation just out of their grasp, but the Hag openly mocks the skeleton and kicks the pitcher aside. If that’s not a deciding irredeemably evil factor moment, it comes pretty darn close.

This would have also tied into an important but ultimately scrapped sequence where the Queen kidnaps the Prince, locks him in the dungeon to keep him from saving Snow White and torments him by detailing her elaborate scheme.

This sounds vaguely familiar…

Depending on which pitch you’re reading, the Prince refuses the Queen’s offer of marriage, and she enchants the chained-up skeletons of other scorned suitors to dance in an extremely misguided attempt keep him entertained while she’s out, or floods the dungeon to drown him. He makes a daring escape and rides to the rescue on horseback.

Again, vaguely familiar…

Unfortunately we had to wait twenty-plus years for this to happen because the animators weren’t confident in their abilities to create a believable male character. This is why the Prince appears only in the beginning and the end of the movie (and by extension why the Cinderella’s Prince is barely in that feature as well). When it came to making Snow White look realistic, they subtly incorporated some rotoscoping in a few places (I’d call it cheating but it’s difficult to tell where it begins or ends because she looks that good eighty years later). But I guess it just wasn’t worth the effort to do the same for her love interest, who doesn’t even get the dignity of an official name (fans go back and forth between Florian and Ferdinand). He’s reduced to a deus ex machina – which to be fair is exactly how he was treated in the fairytale. The movie has the slight advantage over that, however, by setting him up before he arrives for that wake-up kiss.

“And now it’s time for Silly Songs With Happy, the part of the review where Happy comes out and sings a silly song. Today’s interlude, appropriately titled “The Silly Song”, features choreography which has gone on to inspire many other Disney musical sequences dating as far ahead as the 70’s.”

“Hold it!! It’s just the exact same movements with the Robin Hood cast grafted over them!”

“Is there a problem with that?”

“Well…no…it’s just a bit distracting when you finally notice it. I mean I love Disney’s Robin Hood, but boy did they take the main character’s attitude towards stealing to heart when it came to the animation.”

And yes, “The Silly Song” itself is fun too. It’s one of the less remembered Disney tunes, though I have fond memories of it due to its inclusion in the Sing-Along video lineup. The decision to have it follow the Hag’s unsettling introduction makes perfect sense; I could imagine audiences experiencing it for the first time needed a bit of a breather after that.

I guess I should mention the musical number we could have had instead of this one, though. “Music in Your Soup” was a similarly lighthearted song that was fully recorded and animated before it was ultimately cut. It was expertly animated, featured more dwarf-Snow White interactions, and it also closed up a plot hole involving a bar of soap Dopey swallowed earlier. Still, it didn’t add much to the story overall and it disrupted the flow, and keeping both that and “The Silly Song” would have been superfluous; so as much as I like “Music In Your Soup” I think they made the right call in sticking with “The Silly Song”.

After the dancing, Snow regales the dwarfs with a love story, though they quickly figure out she’s talking about herself and her prince. She dispenses with the self-insert fanfiction and sings the movie’s eleven o’clock number “Someday My Prince Will Come”. Bawl all you want about setting women’s rights back a decade, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s still a lovely song, even without Casselotti’s vocals. In fact, much of the movie’s soundtrack has been a go-to for jazz artists through the decades ranging from Miles Davis to Dave Brubeck. The pure simplicity of Larry Morey’s lyrics and Frank Churchill’s melodies are ripe for riffing on. Virtually every cover I’ve found succeeds in the impossible task of measuring up to the original in some capacity. The action in the song itself is subtle and restrained, mainly focusing on the dwarfs’ reactions. It’s not only good storytelling, but a clever way to get around showing more of Snow White than the animators could handle; she was already tough enough to animate even with rotoscoping.

Snow realizes how late it’s getting and ushers the dwarfs to bed; however Doc and the others try to behave like gentlemen and allow her to sleep upstairs while they take up whatever space they can fill on the lower floor. It goes to show how much her kindness and politeness has had an influence on them, at least while she’s around. Them taking up whatever sleeping space they can find on the ground floor is an excuse to squeeze more gags in, but I’m fond of how it lets us wind down and take in this cozy atmosphere.

The next morning before they head out the dwarfs warn Snow White to beware of strangers. Even Grumpy can’t help but show concern in his own gruff tsundere way. It’s little touches like this that reveal Snow White’s unwavering compassion is chipping away at his chauvinist attitude and he really does care about her after all –

Hang on, they couldn’t spare ONE dwarf to stick around and keep an eye out in case the Queen does drop by? They’re really think the Queen isn’t going to make another murder attempt as soon as possible? They sadly must, because no sooner do the dwarfs heigh-ho off to work than the Hag creeps up like a meth user turned Jehovah’s Witness.

“Hello, my name is Elder Grim. Would you care to learn more about our lord and savior Chernabog?”

After the animals fail to communicate the obvious danger, they fetch the dwarfs for help. Meanwhile the Hag has convinced Snow White to let her into the cottage and show off her “magic wishing apple”.

Already I can hear the slapping of a thousand facepalms through my screen. I get why, but there’s something about the situation that feels strangely relatable. The Queen is fully aware of Snow White’s gentle, trusting nature and knows how to take full advantage of the girl. Snow isn’t all smiles and open arms though. There’s a split second of regret the moment she divulges she’s by herself, and as the Hag literally corners her into tasting the poison apple her body language gives away how uncomfortable she is. Even the cottage itself grows darker and claustrophobic, mirroring her trapped state. Snow White knows there’s definitely something off about this stranger, but there’s the downside of her kind personality. She can’t bring herself to kick the old lady out no matter how wrong this scenario inherently feels.

“Just keep smiling and slowly reach for the mace.”

Ultimately the Hag coaxes her into tasting the apple. Every breath leading up to it is dramatically intercut with the dwarfs led by Grumpy (further proof Snow White really has gotten through to the old softie) racing back to the cottage.

Do you want to know why the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre is considered one of the scariest movies of all time? Because for all its promise of a gory spectacular, the violence is deliberately kept offscreen. Our imaginations fill in the blanks and come up with even worse terrors than they could possibly show. Snow White’s poisoning works on that logic. All we hear is her gasping and groaning as the Hag gleefully looks on, ending with the most cinematic shot of the film.

If you’re still convinced Snow’s a dunce for biting the big apple, trust me, it’s a vast improvement over the original. The Queen showed up in disguise three times to kill Snow White with varying methods: strangulation by laces, a poisoned comb, and of course the apple. This was cut down to the last one for obvious reasons – not only would the story be repetitive and extremely padded if they remained, but it makes Snow White look like an idiot for falling for the same trap thrice in a row. The only time I’ve ever seen the inclusion of all three murder attempts work is in the anime The Legend of Snow White (which despite the laughably bad English dub is worth checking out). By the time the Queen comes around with the apple in that instance, Snow White is well aware of who she’s dealing with. But she plays along because the Queen has turned the kingdom to stone, and the only way to break the curse is by taking the bait and destroying her staff while she thinks she’s down, thus turning what was once an act of naivete into a heroic sacrifice.

The Hag exits the cottage feeling confident in who’s the fairest now just in time for the dwarfs to show up. They chase her through a thunderstorm up a cliff side. Literally trapped between a rock and a hard place, she attempts to dislodge a boulder and crush her pursuers. But Zeus is having none of that and a lightning bolt strikes the cliff, plummeting the Hag to her doom.

To quote Linkara, “Thus the origin for ‘Rocks fall, everybody dies’.”

And in case you’re still thinking she could have survived that drop, even with that boulder tilting over after her, the vultures that have been tailing her since she left the castle begin circling lower and lower over the place where she now lies. A chilling, subtle way to show they’re getting a meal after all.

We fade to a wake the dwarfs are holding for Snow White, complete with organ music and weeping – LOTS of sad, silent, motionless weeping. Poor Grumpy gets the worst of it. One can only imagine the tsunami of emotion he must have felt coming home to see that she was making a pie just for him. Like “Someday My Prince Will Come” it shows how restraint can be an asset in acting for animation. Considering how it’s very much like a real-life wake and just how much everyone believes Snow White is truly dead, this was a tough scene to get through.

The seasons pass and we’re told through title cards that the dwarfs couldn’t find it in themselves to bury Snow White, so they built a glass coffin and kept constant vigil along with the depressed forest animals.

“Clearly the idea of watching her slowly decompose over time never crossed their little minds.”

The funeral on top of the wake keeps piling on the sadness. We’re used to animated features moving us to tears, but you have to remember for audiences back then this was an entirely new experience because no animation dared to get this heavy. Think about it: Shirley Temple, Charlie Chaplin, the best and the brightest of Hollywood who poo-pooed Walt for his ridiculous idea – all moved to tears over Snow White. I can only imagine the satisfaction Walt must have felt hearing their sobbing at the premiere. Again, going back to that animator who felt genuine fear for her safety, the audience developed an emotional bond with the character just as they would for a real human on screen.

The Prince FINALLY shows up again still singing his One Song. Believing the love he has long searched for to be lost to him forever, he says his final farewell by bestowing her with Love’s First Kiss.

“Ah – “

“If you make ONE necrophilia joke, I swear I’ll take all the Adam Sandler movies off the Shelf.”

“Please, no!! I’ll have nothing to fully snark at!!”

The kiss does its work and Snow White awakens none the worse for wear. And since what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, she’s immune to all poison ingested via deciduous fruit now. That’ll make ruling the kingdom she’s inherited from her stepmother and disappeared father much easier. And for those of you complaining how a magical kiss is a cop out, trust me, it’s better than how the original fairytale resolved it.

“Somewhere my love lies sleeping, and here she is! I’ll pay you dwarfs anything to let me take her back to my castle and keep her there as a memento of our tragic love.”

“This had better be worth it, she weighs a freaking ton!” “OHH, there goes my hernia!” *BANG*

*HACKHACKCOUGHHACK* “Thanks for the Heimlich, guys, damn apple’s been stuck in my throat for a year!”

“Seriously, I’m not making that up. Plus, they invite the Queen to the wedding and force her to dance to death in red-hot iron shoes.”

Everyone rejoices, Snow White says goodbye to the dwarfs, and the Prince leads her on his horse to his shining palace in the clouds. They all live happily ever after, the end.

And that’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the very first animated Disney movie. Do I believe the American Film Institute’s claims that it’s the best animated film of all time? Well, to be honest, no. The main characters aren’t as developed compared to future Disney protagonists, the animation goes noticeably off model at times, and it’s got one foot stuck in the style of the Silly Symphonies shorts that came before.

Is it the most influential animated film, however? Of course! Without it animation wouldn’t be as mainstream as it is today. While the formula has been updated and subverted through the decades, most animated features follow a similar blueprint – a dastardly villain, fun side characters, memorable music, distinct visual flair, fighting, torture, true love, miracles, you get the picture. We wouldn’t have any of that without Snow White. Once upon a time, this movie was the Star Wars of its era; a groundbreaking, audience-thrilling blockbuster that changed the way people looked at movies. Part of that is because Snow White taps into an emotional simplicity in a manner few films are able to. It relies more on providing an emotional catharsis than logic, inviting us to experience the story as we once did through the eyes of a child, and in doing so captures the essence of a classic fairy tale.

In fact, looking at the ripple effect of how movies can influence one another across the years, Snow White ranks among one of the most influential movies made in general. Apart from Disney you can see its echoes in The Wizard of Oz, Gulliver’s Travels, Citizen Kane, and yes, the original Star Wars. Even Sergei Eisenstein, the man who revolutionized filmmaking with freaking Battleship Potemkin, declared Snow White to be the greatest film ever made.

…So why did Walt Disney come to hate it later on in life?

Every movie that’s met with acclaim and accolades is bound to hit some backlash for one reason or another. Maybe it’s been overhyped, or time hasn’t been that kind to it. For Walt, Snow White leaned into the latter as his artistic prowess grew. No creator likes looking at their past work because it’s easier to notice the flaws when viewing it through a more experienced eye (believe me, I know). That, and no matter what he did, it seemed impossible to escape from Snow White’s shadow. For decades everything he created was inevitably compared to it.

Hmm, the animation and music are an improvement, but what it’s really missing are some dwarfs.

Hmm, the creativity leaps off the charts, but if only the score had lyrics that rhyme with the words “shmeigh shmo”.

Hmm, it’s breathtaking and magical, but it’d be perfect if you could just sit and watch it for eighty minutes without interacting with any of it at all.

Hmm, it’s practically perfect in every way, but…um…uh…more dwarfs, dammit!!

Thankfully Walt’s displeasure mellowed after some time. As for Snow White, she’s still rightfully hailed as the one that started it all. The art is iconic, the characters are unforgettable, and virtually all the songs are Disney gold standards for a reason. Well before Rodgers and Hammerstein changed the face of musical theater by having the score and the book go hand in hand, Snow White did it first in the cinemas. In fact this was the first movie to ever have a commercially released soundtrack, another confounded idea Hollywood wouldn’t understand for quite a while. Though time may temper with modern expectations, Snow White is as much a classic now as it was destined to be eighty years ago, and nothing can touch it. It still is the fairest one of all.

“HA! Try to remake/sequelize THAT, Disney!”

“Excuse me, is it too late to join this review?”

“I’m sorry, who are you?”

“Oh, where are my manners? I’m Snow White’s sister, Rose Red.”

“…You sure you’re not just a color-swapped OC clone from Deviantart?”

“Of course I’m not, silly! I’m in the fairytale and everything! Well, not THE fairytale per se, but there is one titled ‘Snow White and Rose Red’ where we’re siblings.”

“Checks out. They’re technically related.”

“Okay, but what are you doing here?”

“I was just wondering when you were going to discuss my upcoming movie!”

“Your…movie?”

“Oh yes! It’s going to be Disney’s Snow White all over again but from MY point of view! Isn’t that exciting?”

“But…but you weren’t even in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”

“I know! I was off to the side doing…well, you’ll have to wait and see! The lady who wrote that Gone Girl knockoff that takes place on a train and the Indecent Proposal remake is doing the screenplay and she is just delightful!”

“…Excuse me for one moment.”

“Oh dear. Have I said something wrong?”

“It’s ok. This is just the part of the review where Shelf goes berserk.”

youtube

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this review, please consider supporting me on Patreon. Special thanks to Amelia Jones and Gordhan Ranaj for their contributions.

You can vote for what movie you want me to look at next by leaving it in the comments or emailing me at [email protected]. Remember, you can only vote once a month. The list of movies available to vote for are under “What’s On the Shelf”.

Also, Patreon supporters get extra votes among other perks. If I reach the goal of $100, I can get back to reviewing animated series! I’m at the halfway mark right now, so please consider supporting me if you’re able.

Artwork by Charles Moss.

Most screencaps courtesy of animationscreencaps.com.

February Review: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937) If there's a reason why we're able to recall the story of Snow White from memory, and why said princess is usually depicted with short hair, a cute bow and surrounded by woodland fauna, look no further than Disney.

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nagatsukinura119 · 7 years

Text

Ramble and thoughts on V route

[A bit of (or maybe huge) spoiler alert for those who haven’t played/finished the route]

I just finished V’s route and got the Normal Ending. I have to say that I have so many thoughts and feelings that leave me like an empty shell.

Okay, I already knew from the start that Zen wasn’t gonna be involved too deep with the story besides sharing what he feels or thinks about the current situation in chat rooms (and babysitting Yoosung). But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t disappointed that he, Yoosung and Jaehee were practically thrown aside. Technically Jaehee was still kept close because of her position as Jumin’s assistant, but nevertheless I still feel that the Casual Story members were regarded very little in V’s route. But it can’t really be helped because I knew from the start that Zen’s involvement with RFA was a bit too “eeeh”. Sure, he’s indebted to V for saving his life during a motorcycle accident and that’s why he joined RFA, but I still felt like he was a bit off from the rest of the group. I mean, the next member I’d say is a bit of “eeeh” within the group is Yoosung. He might be in the group because he’s Rika’s cousin and that she feels comfortable for a family to be a part of what she loves to do. And perhaps they needed someone who’s familiar with a group of people of his age and class to know what they think about charity fundraising parties (I don’t know what I’m rambling about here). But what can Zen do to help RFA since he was just a mediocre musical actor? I guess like Yoosung, all he could do was just tell his (hopefully rich) co-workers about the parties. I’m guessing they were just satisfied to get as many hands to help as possible. And then I recalled in V’s route that Yoosung said that so far, they’ve conducted 2 parties, and the latest one would be the previous year. So I wondered how successful was RFA, really, if not including their small charity events?

Sorry, that was getting off the topic that I intended to talk about.

Back to V’s Normal Ending and some parts of the story, I’m just gonna say that although it’s generally a happy ending for MC since we’re shown that 2 years after the incident with Rika, her exploded apartment as well as Mint Eye’s fall, MC and V are living together, and as V said, they’re in love. It’s all happy for V and MC in the end, but I can’t say that I am happy. At least not wholly because, hey, the man deserved happiness after all the shit he went through.

First of all, I’ve got so many questions stuck in my head up until now. Like, if V’s route was set 1 year before the current story (I’m guessing the Deep Story since it’s been theorized as the True Story if you’re in Seven’s route), then, the events happened in Seven’s route where V was shot and died, did that happen in a parallel world or something? I think I’ve missed and skipped a lot of info that I needed to answer these questions (I avoided Tumblr and any place that could give me spoilers while I played the game). However! The disappearance of Ray and the appearance of Unknown (Saeran) implied that because MC decided to shag with V, Ray lost the person whom he claimed to really care, and apparently fell in love with. Because of this, as well as Rika’s changes of plans that involved the MC, pushed Ray so hard that his dangerous split persona resurfaced, and I believe this Unknown is the Unknown that we got introduced to in the Casual and Deep Story, which makes me believe that the Normal Ending is somewhat still connected to the world that we know. But, here’s the catch, if the Normal Ending leads to the current story, then what happened to V, who appeared to get his happy ending with MC and with perfectly good eyes? Then what happened to the MC in his route? Did she get kidnapped, or died in an accident that involved him which led to his eyesight getting messed up? Is that why he was so persistent to not get any treatment? Because he felt so guilt ridden by MC’s death? And where does that leave us? Are we playing two different MC’s, one from V’s route and another from Casual/Deep Story? Because of this I actually believe that there are 2 MC’s in Mystic Messenger universe.

From the beginning, I never really thought Rika as the antagonist, at least not on purpose. In Day 10′s chat room, Rika was pleading so hard towards V and MC to let her stay with them (I’m not sure if she meant stay, as in just in the chat room, or physically). She was literally begging like a child. She said she would be a good girl, sit quietly in her room, listen to what MC and V tell her, she won’t cry, never throw a fit, won’t express her feelings, she would eat little without complaint, and basically won’t talk to other people and stay locked in the house. She would live lifelessly like a paper doll. Hell, she would even allow MC to end up with V!

Sure, this might be one of her tricks and guilt cards to make MC and V fall into her trap, like her constant plea towards MC to stay with her (though the situation felt almost too intense to be platonic). But I can’t help but feel that her pleas and cry for help is real. Think about it; she started of groveling for help and pleas not to leave her, and then a switch went off and her raging side came out and started telling MC and V and to give her sun back (I’m guessing the sun would be V), and even threatened them that she would exact her revenge on MC who stole V from her. BUT instantly she went back to begging like the beginning of this chat. What’s more is that, this time she even apologized for everything she had done. The emotional transition between her anguish and angry sides was just a bit too real for someone to be faking around.

My theory: And speaking of her revenge on MC, I’m starting to think that the current MC (MC(A)) might be dead by Rika’s hands somewhere in the future (because we know Rika didn’t die in the explosion in order for her to still be alive in Deep Story) and that is also an act of revenge towards V who left her (hence explaining why she despised him in this story). This feels like too far-fetched but isn’t that what fan theories are all about? But if this theory is plausible, how would this explain the apartment that the MC from Casual/Deep Story (MC(B)) would be staying in, as well as no one’s memories of Rika being the antagonist or MC(A)’s existence? Also, the timeline wouldn’t make sense, because in Casual/Deep Story, Rika’s death was supposed to happen a year and a half before MC was introduced to RFA. And if at this point V was dating with MC(A) then why didn’t anyone mention this to MC(B)? So… theory debunked?

Now, I did say that I never see Rika as the bad guy, but I’m not saying that we can just forgive her and let bygones be bygone, but I’m not saying that she deserved all the stuff that happened to her either. Everyone in the game deserved to be happy.

I think she was just awfully lonely and needed love. We never know if she had genuine friends before meeting V. Then we learned that Rika had a good relationship with V for some time and she struck a friendship with Jumin along the way. We know that she is a fan of Zen (as she claimed) and it seems like she was a normal person. But turns out she had serious mental issues and this should remind us that some things that she did were things out of her control, especially when her mad and delusional side controlled her most of the time. What I see here is that she’s just a victim of mental issues and she needed help and shouldn’t be antagonized entirely. Her extreme acts should be blamed, but not her.

Playing this game while dealing with so many deadlines can be very emotionally draining and honestly sometimes I question my sanity like am I thinking about and caring for the characters in the game too much? What if the game is actually based on real people? What if we’re in the same situation like MC in V’s route, who was lured into this game by someone? These questions tend to keep me bedridden and feeling empty at times.

See what I mean? I was never considered having any mental problems or something like that, but here I am, questioning all these questions like a mad person. Maybe it’s because of the stress from my daily life? Who knows, but one thing for sure is that if I’m affected like this by just something so trivial like a game, imagine how Rika must have dealt with her legit health issues. And as for her withdrawing herself from V, I can only think that she was so used to having darkness (or to put simply, dark thoughts) within her and the belief that nobody wanted her must have been permanently scarred her mind and she believed that being unwanted makes up what she was. So, when V came in, she was really happy to be loved but later on the feeling was strange and unnatural for her, to the point that she thought the more she was loved, the more she was losing herself. Hence explaining why she chose to separate from V and embrace her ‘darkness’ which is basically herself. But at the same time, I think she was conflicted with her decision to either choose herself or being with V, because clearly she was also very in love with him. I think her fit of rage in Day 10 might be a possibility of her having Borderline Personality Disorder.

I’ll be honest that I wasn’t giving my 100% focus in the game and sometimes I’d just skim through at whatever popped in the chat rooms (the chats can be too long for my liking). That’s why I’m thinking to re-play the game and give it more focus and analyze V’s route with deeper thoughts so that I can actually accept the aftermath of his and Rika’s relationship. I’m also very curious to what the other endings would show us. Hell, if the Normal Ending is THIS happy and satisfying, I can just imagine what the actual Good Ending would offer (I’m still avoiding spoilers here).

Though to be honest I never wanted to play as an MC who would have a romantic relationship or story with V because I’ve come to believe that he was so blindly (pun intended) in love with Rika that it feels like it’s impossible for him to fall for a stranger within 11 days (but then again, this IS Mystic Messenger, where people get to fall in love quickly, even though you barely seeing each other). I’m not saying that he doesn’t have the right to love again, because he DOES. But personally, I just don’t think I have that capabilities to help him nor that I have so much maternal instincts to save him. That’s also why I never see or want Saeran in a romantic way. I just want to help them to be happy again as a platonic friend. Although V’s relationship with Rika was unhealthy, it can’t be denied that they WERE happy and shit just started and broke them apart. Being a helpless romantic, I always believed that there was still some hope for them to be happy together, and I actually hoped V’s route involved helping them to mend their relationship, if not just help to resolve their conflict.

And also, let’s not forget about Ray, Unknown’s gentler side personality. It can’t be helped that I also felt the need to save the sweet guy, and at the same time it was pretty worrying if I were to really fall for him I might actually have Stockholm Syndrome. Sure, MC wasn’t really kidnapped by force per say, but it can’t be denied that she was locked up in some unknown place that she was brought to with a blindfold. That alone was quite disturbing but then again, I DID play Shall We Date’s Blood in Roses and chose to shag with Rupert which eventually made me realize that maybe some MC’s in otome games need to have Stockholm Syndrome just to pull the player’s heartstring for the sake of what is called ‘romance’… Anyways, I wasn’t really sure what really happened to him in the end of Normal Ending. First, Rika apparently died in the explosion of her apartment, and so did Mint Eye’s building so where does that leave Ray (at this point Unknown)? Did he also supposedly get blown into bits? If so that is more depressing than what I actually expected because poor Seven would never know the truth about his brother.

#mystic messenger #mm #v route #v #jihyun kim #rambles and thoughts #i think i'm just overthinking #fan theory

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whyshanti · 4 years

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twenty nineteen. periodt.

i genuinely felt the need to write this because i was bored i have not written anything in a really long time. but mostly because there’s only a few who might read this and not care afterwards. it sucks to not be able to do something that i used to enjoy for quite a while. but here i am!

a lot of thoughts to unburden and a lot of unspoken feelings to unpack. let’s get to it, bih.

1. this year felt like it was dragging on. i wanted it to end asap.

so this year, i actually had A LOT of time. where did it go?

to: movies, series, anime, music, watching youtube videos, breakdowns, feeling stuck & paralyzed, academics, reading articles about pop culture & mainstream shit, going out with friends, chatting random ppl at night bc i thought i could trust them (and some of them, i can), and etc.

but on a more serious note, i really was more into the world of media, of both mainstream and indie worlds. i still can’t believe i got through this semester when i have been doing these things unrelated to uni. some ppl are also baffled by this activity log that i have.

point is: i felt like a walking zombie. probably looked like one as well. there is this routine that i have to do and i got really sick of myself. i didn’t have the motivation to strive more. i was always either sleeping (at least for the first half of the year) or watching. it all feels lifeless. the latter part of the year, my body clock was wrecked. i did not like the weather during daytime. at all. i slept during the day when i did not have classes then i was awake at night. but i try to get as much sleep as i can because my health is declining. i think.

also this year felt like it had 3 sequels. unnecessary, boring, full-of-jump-scares type of sequels. fuck.

2. feeling anxious and chill at the same time.

the only thing that made me feel chill at the latter part of the year is the fact that this shit... like all these shitty things we’ve been doing... will pass anyway.

i don’t know if it’s because of the new system that was implemented but it definitely feels like the stress levels were high only during exam weeks. for real. i am grateful to have THAT kind of “stress privilege (??)” but i also wish i was stressing over something that gives me LIFE. i know i’m studying for something that will actually help me provide something for myself and for my family but my soul (oh crap here’s where things get cheesy) screams i should do something else.

my friend always tells me to chill but i couldn’t because there’s always that nagging thought that i have to do something productive everyday. i think it stems from past disappointments, failed expectations from ppl close to me, and just basically feeling like a failure. i’m a frantic mess who somehow has the time to do unnecessary things. wish the energy was put into finishing acads on time or earlier, but here we are. think they meant that i should be chill with mysef. to be kind to myself. to not panic and breathe.

another thing is that there’s a load of information shoved in my head that really paralyzes me to act on something.

3. leaving behind the things i’ve outgrown.

it’s so funny how i’ve met few new people this year who i already treasure only to have quite a number of people to walk out of my life.

it’s not really surprising to me. i think we all wanted it to happen anyway. i’m just happy that things kind of subtly fell apart for things to make more sense. the feeling is kind of like how a misplaced puzzle piece is put into its rightful place. finally, i don’t have to force myself and i think the feelings are mutual. anyway, this year was a revelation in itself despite how dragging the pacing felt. love how the gunk went out and i see now what i’ve been blind to. chuck the deuce! definitely a thank u, next moment.

4. meeting new people, unexpected unions.

i definitely did not expect to form connections and be reunited with some of my old friends this year. also witnessed deepened friendships.

there’s always this thing where i put my energy on a high level when i’m meeting new people just to seem decent and happy then slowly revealing how tired, sad, and boring i can be. then there’s that fear of losing people’s interest in me or people not becoming excited to talk to me about... anything really. never thought i’d have this fear of losing certain people in my life. i want to detach myself from that and from people themselves too (in a healthy way ofc).

i’ve never ever felt like i could lose people in an instant. there’s that thing where i worry if i’m too much or i’m lacking for people. so i appreciate people who let me know if i’m crossing the line or if i’m doing something that completely annoys them because i really want to be part of people’s lives, meaningfully and genuinely. a good one. i don’t want to half-ass my relationships with other people and i seek loving relationships that thrive and inspire where it doesn’t only get good at the start but is continually progressing even when we don’t see each other often. it’s fascinating how as we get older, we see how relationships are not as simple as we think they are but really are simple at the same time. we have different goals, we are at different stages in our lives, we are facing shit that nobody else seems to understand and things that don’t seem to end, and we can only hope that our mere presence and emotionally available hearts will listen to whatever the other person has to unburden.

to somehow let them know that they don’t need permission to rest and to do things that they are afraid of pursuing.

4a. discovering new artists.

AURORA: the most underrated artist for sure. watched every interview/video/set because she is that bitch. her SONGS, man. i swear. she is that ethereal fairy from the forest. her fucking voice just draws me in. she deserved a better role in frozen 2 tho. she needs to be a lead in a musical animated movie. idc idc i said what i said.

beabadoobee: fucking rockstar, reviving the 90s grunge music and looks.

Billie Eilish: a badass. hate how she still stans bieber tho.

5. daydreaming of a new life.

you don’t know how many times i’ve been dreaming to have a big house.

it’s time. we really need a new house. i’m not, as what the kids say, vibing with this old house anymore. this is what i wish to leave behind as soon as possible. how do i even get the MONEY to afford it? i’m just hoping for a miracle to happen, you know. i really wish my family gets to be in a better home soon.

i think if u know me, u might have caught me spacing out a few times.

idk why this always happens. it’s so rude to the person speaking to me but my mind literally drifts off to another planet. it’s not that they’re boring. i just can’t help it. i feel like shit thinking about how many times it has happened to me.

sometimes, i dream of being this whole new different person.

someone who is better than who i am. someone who is good at something and is passionate about the things she does. there are a lot of things i am interested in doing but i don’t have the courage to actually do it. idk why i always turn into a statue when i think of things that i wanna do.

6. God.

it’s been a long time. i have lost contact with You but You are always there to patch things up for me. every effin’ time. i cry everytime.

it must be because i was raised in a christian setting. that’s why i always think it’s You who’s working behind the scenes. but still i am grateful.

saved me from certain people.

saved me this semester.

saved me from pulling worthless all-nighters.

provided me financially esp when i thought i had nothing.

prevented a severe acid reflux situation.

gave me new friends.

did literally so many things that saved me from bad situations and people in general like WHO DOES THAT??

7. a life without a plan.

this is literally what i wanted to happen. not carelessly but like where i don’t have to worry about what to do next. just let things be and go with the flow. the first half of this year, i really did not think things through as i normally would and i let plans fall just to enjoy what was in front of me. be at ease and be present during that time. and i did. it was a peaceful, cheery time tbh.

8. every day i wanted to start over just to get over a lot of things.

9. i missed a lot of ppl.

10. i wanted to be held. not by a certain someone. not romantically. but by anyone close to me. *plays i’m with you by avril lavigne*

sometimes we all just need a long hug. that’s all. and it’d be nice to hear more stories from people. :)

11. not everybody will reciprocate the same energy that i send out to them and it’s okay.

this bummed me out. felt like an effin’ loser but i’ve learned that people have businesses to do. life doesn’t always happen the way we want it to.

12. this the final year of college. just finish it already, dumbass.

13. why can’t i just be kathryn bernardo or AURORA for like a month or a year? i promise i will not ruin their careers lmao.

14. i want to make major changes in my stupid life but money is an issue.

15. the stars are below the sky now.

the state of the environment is the same as of our minds. polluted and overloaded with gibberish to the point that we get scared of doing one thing at a time and where we also don’t throw away the unnecessary baggage/s.

we’re so intent on doing things all at the same time. finishing everything in one sitting. being productive became an addiction and it scared me how i was becoming affected by this. there’s this constant thought that we collectively share which is to do something by every day and it only adds up to people’s anxiety and depression. social media definitely made us aware of mental illnesses/disorders but then it became a trend. people self-diagnose themselves and end up with the wrong treatment. some people use it as a tool to get followers and... ugh it’s all a mess. i hope people get the right treatment/s AND/or professional help because if they don’t, they’ll lose themselves. i mean... just look at the sky. there’s literally no sign of a star now if u live in the city. we’ve lost sight of what should guide us. we are unconsciously following a false light thru our devices.

i’m not good at analogies or at explaining things as u can tell. but moving on...

this hyper self-awareness that i have gained from social media has its advantages but is also distracting me from living my best life. i didn’t realize that i was making my own christmas lights inside my seemingly dark mind when really... it’s just clouded by all this information that’s coming in fast and has affected who i am and certain areas of my life. i’ve almost forgotten this and i’ve come to believe again that there’s always an ever-present light and it will take time to get used to its brightness once my mind gets clearer by the day. hopefully, it will.

anyway, CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND WE NEED TO SAVE EARTH.

16. men are trash.

17. the people who i should avoid always looks odd or unpleasant and has bad energy. i know shit when i sense one.

18. i’m not happy with my life and with who i am but i’ll work with what i’ve got.

life gives u a mirror and shits on your face. sheesh.

for some reason, i can’t forget what my adviser told me during my 4th year of high school. she told me “it seems like you’re a person full of regrets” and every time i have a cryfest, i think of that. idk why. (never underestimate the power of a few words, folks). you know how like in flow charts, u encounter decision points? the diamond shapes? i think i always decide no and end up with the worst consequence and then there’s no more starting over.

i don’t think i understand flow charts well. ugh.

i can’t come up with a cool transition to me having insecurities so let’s say i did!

some people’s beauty, inspiring. but others just make you feel like shit.

i really want to explore my feminine side more because i was more masculine when i was younger. i’m not gentle, i’m a bit aggressive. and it just doesn’t fit with who i want to be. idk why. and also, it’s fun (!!!). you get a taste of what it’s like and it’s so EMPOWERING at least for the short experience that i had. but can make me feel very conscious of my entire being and i just end up wearing cartoony disguises. ironic but BABY STEPS. when i think about it, there’s really no black or white answer whether this or that is feminine or masculine.

self-love is not a 5-step process.

it is continuous improvement of oneself to the point where you don’t give a fuck about what they say. i really envy the ones who are comfortable in their own skin, who are totally embracing their flaws. they just bloom. some people just look like them. like it’s SO THEM. unmistakably them. and i think if everyone had that, we would not have standards anymore.

oh, to live in a time where individuality is encouraged but is also discouraged when not lived up to its standards. hurray.

19. this year was the year of mindless decisions. periodt.

20. hoping that the new year, 2020, will be the year of CLARITY where i know who i really am, embracing it, and where i will not be taking anymore of anyone’s bullshit. where i know where i stand in my relationships with other people and vice versa. there will be intentional but meaningful endings that will pave the way for blossoming beginnings.

let’s hope it unfolds the way it should be. for the better.

bonus: nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. everyone’s just going with the flow. be yourself.

note: this is a compilation of thoughts, informally. thank u.

#2019

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incombuz · 4 years

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How To Spot Signs Of Anxiety In Your Child

When I asked Professor Cathy Creswell, a Clinical Advisor to Anxiety UK if it surprised her parents were being taught the way to recognise symptoms of hysteria in children under 10 (covering eating disorders, panic attacks and compulsive disorders), she answered “no.”

She went on to say: “In fact, this is often a very good thing.

Anxiety and stress disorders are the foremost common sort of emotional difficulty experienced across a lifespan, and that we know that they need a very early onset with half all people that have serious difficulties with anxiety first having those problems by the age of 11.

anxiety in children Despite this, we've found in recent studies that a really small proportion of youngsters who have problems with anxiety and their families receive any support, which may be a terrible shame.”

But are there signs that as a society we are putting an excessive amount of pressure on our youngsters – parents and faculty included?

“This may be a tricky question as although the perception is usually anxiety in children is becoming more common, we don’t have the info within the UK to properly test this.

In 2018, a national survey of psychological state in children and children was repeated for the primary time since 2004, so soon we'll be during a better position to ascertain if anxiety in children is on the rise and if so why.

However we must remember we are becoming far better at spotting an anxious child, which is additionally an honest thing.

We work with many parents and carers who tell us that they or other relations were anxious children within the past and it had been never recognised or acted upon.”

But with the endless amount of clubs and after-school activities, plus the pressure of SATS tests bubbling away on the classroom sidelines, surely it's important that youngsters are just allowed to ‘play?’

Professor Creswell says “It certainly fits with our understanding of hysteria to assume if children are in environments that instil a fear of failure then we'll see increases in difficulties particularly among those children susceptible to anxiety.“

What are the signs of hysteria in children? Everyone experiences fear, worry or anxiety sometimes, but consistent with Professor Creswell, this is often not necessarily anything to stress about. It can in some circumstances be helpful.

But it becomes a drag when it's out of proportion to what's happening and interferes with lifestyle.

Children with separation anxiety are typically concerned that something will happen to themselves or one or more of their parents/carers if they're not together. separation anxiety in children This can show itself through clinginess and difficulty separating to travel to high school or to a friend’s house. the kid may become tearful or have a tantrum.

Children with social mental disorder are normally worried about being evaluated during a negative way by others. they'll worry that folks think they're stupid or might do something others will tease. It can show itself through fears in speaking, eating or participating in activities when certain people are present.

In children, stress is usually communicated physically – psychosomatic reactions, including stomach problems, headaches, fatigue, sleep disorders, and problems with getting to the rest room, could also be signals that something is wrong.

Sudden changes in behaviour also can be a sign.

The book Giving Sorrow Words notes: “When an honest student starts getting Fs, that deserves attention, and therefore the same is true when a toddler who was previously a troublemaker turns into an angel.”

“Children who click saying ‘Nobody likes me’ really are telling you that they don’t like themselves,” says Dr Loraine Stern. an equivalent could be true when a toddler suddenly starts bragging or exaggerating accomplishments.

Though seemingly expressing the other of low self-esteem, boasting about real or imagined accomplishments could also be an attempt to beat deep feelings of inadequacy.

Of course, all kids get sick, occasionally misbehave and knowledge periodic disappointment with themselves, but once you start to note a pattern and no immediate cause is clear, you ought to weigh the meaning of the signals.

So what are Professor Creswell’s tips for helping a toddler with anxiety? A lot of oldsters worry that by chatting with their child about anxiety they'll make it worse. The important thing is to think not about ‘whether’ you mention it but ‘how’ you mention it.

When you are talking about fears, be curious. attempt to understand them. What do they think will happen and why?

Some children might not be ready to say exactly what they're worried about beyond that they feel scared and obtain upset.

communication is vital when parenting But that’s ok. you'll work thereupon. Acknowledge your child’s thoughts and feelings and show you appreciate how hard it must be.

To overcome their fears they're going to got to put them to the test. What can they/you do to seek out out if what they fear will really happen?

For example if s/he is worried they're going to be taken if you're not there, could they struggle to be aside from you during a different a part of the house for a brief period of time?

Enlist others around you to assist. If the difficulties are at college, speak to staff to form sure there's a teaching assistant or other adult who can get your child busy and involved in an enticing and important job on arrival.

Plan realistic rewards to assist motivate your child.

Make sure your child knows how proud and impressed you're that they need put their fears to the test.

Researchers at Loyola University of Chicago, USA, studied 400 children age 9 to 13 years old, from wide-ranging backgrounds and checked out how they coped with stress.

Among the five hundred who routinely handled difficult situations well, the researchers found three common characteristics, consistent with American Health magazine:

they were willing to invite help, share their concerns, and seek emotional support from an adult—often, but not always, a parent

they attended take responsibility for his or her own behaviour and sought to influence their peers to avoid harm

they sought out quiet time or recreation to alleviate stress.

Conversely, the researchers found three tendencies that reduced children’s resiliency:

resorting to aggression

self-destructive behaviour like substance abuse

avoiding problems instead of handling them

Some temporary relief may come from helping children to relax, going for a walk, changing routine or environment, or taking note of soothing music.

Make sure your child gets enough sleep. Set regular times to travel to bed and to urge up, a minimum of on school days and workdays.

Allow them enough time to unwind before bed. Avoid exercise (so no late night trips to the park) within three hours before getting to bed, and avoid heavy snacks and caffeine on the brink of bedtime.

When it’s time to travel to bed, attempt to make the bedroom dark, quiet, and cozy.

Let your child know that the emotions they need are often reduced; anxiety is treatable.

Let them know that speaking about how they feel reduce feelings of hysteria and stress. it's going to also help them to understand that they're not alone in how they're feeling.

Sociologist Ronald L. Pitzer says: “All too often, efforts by children and teenagers to speak intense feelings are minimised, denied, rationalised, or ignored by parents.”

Reassure your child that you simply understand, that you simply will never laugh or dismiss their feelings; are you able to give them an example of once you felt similarly?

Avoid language like:

“Stop your crying”

“You shouldn’t feel that way.”

“It isn’t really that bad.”

Could you instead say: “I see that something has made you sad.” “You look really upset.” “I know you want to be disappointed.”

The book ‘How to speak so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk’ makes a legitimate observation during this regard: “The more you are trying to push a child’s unhappy feelings away, the more he becomes stuck in them.

The more comfortably you'll accept the bad feelings, the better it's for teenagers to abandoning of them. i assume you'll say that if you would like to possess a cheerful family, you’d better be prepared to allow the expression of tons of unhappiness.”

If they find it hard to speak, could they write a letter about their feelings instead? Or if they’re still young, draw pictures for instance how they feel?

What example does one as parent set when it involves stress and anxiety?

Do you attempt to reduce stress by resorting to violence? Punching the wall? Grabbing a glass (or 3) of wine?

Then don't be surprised when your child acts out his anxiety during a similar way.

Do you suffer in silence when deeply disturbed? If so, how are you able to demand that your child be open and trusting?

Are stressful feelings so hidden in your household that they're denied instead of acknowledged and worked out?

Then don't be startled by the physical and emotional toll it's going to combat your child, for any plan to bury anxiety will normally only increase the severity of its expression.

A 2019 UK study found that as many as 66% of mums and dads claim their child regularly feels anxious about lessons, homework – and social aspects like bullying and friendships.

Almost 30% of the oldsters who took part within the study said learning the way to manage their child’s anxiety is now more important to them than their academic success, with 63% saying it as even as important.

To combat school stress, 56% of oldsters now practice mindfulness with their child reception, to undertake and ease their mind about the daily stresses and strains.

Mindfulness is understood to market good mental wellbeing and help children deal with difficulties whilst also encouraging them to raised manage the tutorial demands placed on them.

mindfullness exercises can help children with anxiety British author and mental campaigner Jonny Benjamin, whose own psychological state issues started at the age of 10, said:

“It’s so important for young children to recognise feelings of hysteria, be ready to speak openly about how they're feeling, and find out how to handle them.

“Learning about one’s mind and emotional regulation are invaluable skills that can’t be taught early enough..

“Mindfulness has been life-changing on behalf of me and I’d encourage as many grade school children as possible to require part. i do know of numerous people, both young and old, who really enjoy mindful breathing and relaxation techniques.

It may be that trying to scale back their anxiety by undertaking certain activities on your own initiative might not be enough to assist your child with their anxiety and you'll got to access professional help.

Speak to your child’s school or Dr to debate having access to local counselling services.

If your child cares or actually attempts suicide, “Seek immediate professional help,” urges the book Depression — What Families Should Know.

“Treating potential suicides isn't employment for amateurs, even those that care about the depressed person an excellent deal.

You may think you’ve talked your loved one out of suicide when all he or she is doing is clamming up and keeping all the emotions inside until they explode with horrifying results.”

If you're worried about yourself or someone you recognize, please contact the below organisations:

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