#i went to a queer group a while ago to make friends and the only two other transfems were both way more shy and feminine and reclusive than | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

genderkoolaid · 2 months

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something ive noticed as a very effeminate trans masc that dresses pretty androgynous & has been on hrt for many years is that the status of being a "dangerous man" can and will be placed on you (ime most often by cis white women) whenever expressing any kind of negative feelings. if i told friends of mine - even queer ones - that something they did hurt my feelings or made me upset, i was suddenly a dangerous man or a (man)ipulator or whatever - even if i didn't raise my voice. the very fact that i am unhappy combined with my proximity to manhood makes me a supposed threat in their eyes.

a couple years ago i had a group of cis girl friends. they would constantly pull me into women's bathrooms n such so i wouldn't be left behind saying its fine its fine bc im one of the girls (gender neutral) but then as soon as i was upset about something i was suddenly a dangerous man who needed to stay out of women's spaces,,,, despite the fact that of the 4 of us, the girl who joined after me was the one spreading this shit around my friend group so... how was i encroaching on womens spaces if i was there before her and i was invited in? luckily one of my friends told me that the other two were plotting to kick me out of my friend group on the sole basis of my proximity to manhood so i at least knew why they were suddenly treating me like shit

its just.. i cant understand why people dont think trans mascs and trans men are discriminated against when they literally said it was my "toxic man energy" that made them want me out WHILE ALSO being the ones convincing me to go into womens spaces bc they wanted to go somewhere and didnt wanna have to leave me behind & like i said im extremely effeminate and faggy and also NONBINARY so i dont understand what "man energy" they were talking about other than the fact that im on testosterone and thinking testosterone = man is just transphobic no matter how you try to twist it

but my taking testosterone was never a problem or made me evil or scary when they wanted me to go with them into women-only (&nonbinary too i guess unless youre amab (and they can tell) or been on testosterone for too long) spaces, it was only a problem when they wanted 1. a reason to criticise me relentlessly, borderline bullying or 2. a reason to dismiss any of my concerns or criticisms of their treatment of me

all of that, to me, is transandrophobia point blank. i dont know what else you could call it other than transphobia, but transphobia doesn't address any of the very blatant and obvious connection of how my transness affects their perception of my proximity to manhood and how that affected the situation

God that sucks. I'm sorry you went through that.

You make a very good point. This is why I don't want to define transandrophobia/ATM as just transphobia and misogyny directed at transmascs. I still think transunity theory is a really valuable way of looking at transphobia & its important to me that we are vocal about how masculine tropes are weaponized against trans people by cis people on the regular because of how we are positioned in relation to gender. Too many people think the that the only thing wrong with saying trans people have "dangerous male energy" is that its misgendering. So trans people who choose to associate themselves with manhood are left in the trash by the people who should know best how much being made out to be a Dangerous Male Invader hurts!

#m.#ask box #experiences with transandrophobia

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damazcuz · 2 months

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I've only had this account for about 5 years now. But I've been on tumblr for 13 years, since I was 16 and just starting to learn who I was, what transgender meant, what the world looked like at the time for a group I was swiftly realizing included me.

And for 13 years I have consistently used this site and stayed on, occasionally blog hopping when things felt stale or if things got bad. And things got bad sometimes. You'd get people calling you nasty things in your ask or replies or reblogs or tagging your username to sic their followers on you. And tumblr has always treated targeted harassment as a "Sorry you feel that way. That's not against tos though! Was this answer helpful?" issue whenever it's reported. They've never cared against abuse on their website, IN THE EXCEPTION of cases in which radfems and nazis have maliciously mass reported users for MAYBE hitting their breaking points and MAYBE snapping and saying something stupid that could be used as an excuse. Could be something today or four years ago in your archive but at some point, you had a bad day and posted something that could make tumblr say finally, we can get rid of a pest! or you were just transgender and said as much. A little too loudly in front of the wrong mod.

And this sounds so silly to say. But when you live in a website for 13 years and it's where you have your primary interactions with so many people and where you've met so many of your friends! It starts to feel like your community. Like an apartment building we all live in and visit each other's apartments and talk and decorate and laugh and play. And it's a bit of a dump and we all laugh about the crumbling peeling wallpaper and the slumlord that runs the place. We know the landlord isn't our friend, they just want us to pay rent until we're no good for it anymore. Produce the posts that make this site anything more than a hate forum, make the memes and the art and the posts that end up everywhere from your little sister's pinterest to your mom's Facebook to your uncle's meme subreddit. Keep up the garden and don't pile trash on the curb or you're out. This is "the queerest place on the net" only because queer people live here and hung on with our fingernails to stay here because if you have to leave, what's your fallback? You like your neighbors. They can't all come with you. They won't. Even the kind of crumbly parts feel like home after a while.

Like I want to clarify that Tumblr's reputation as a funny place to chill and scroll and meet people and see new things is not from the transphobes working on staff. Their job is to turn a profit or at least keep it LOOKING profitable, so the site can sell to the next moron to buy it out. The fun and joy of Tumblr is us. WE made this place. When you tear down our decorations and rip out our furnishings and toss us out on the street and look at what's left to show the next prospective tenant, it's a fucking dump. There is nothing left but the shittiest people in our neighborhood who are allowed to stay and make hate posts about us. There's the framework for "someone could make pretty posts here! It's a fixer upper!" But it's shit. It sucks.

I've been spiraling since yesterday over a couple of things I'm not taking well. One is work. "They can't fire us all!" I always joke. And people laugh. Last night my boss and I spent an hour and a half in this miserable fucking meeting, talking about the pressure pushing down on our load bearing team. We fantasized over all 8 of us being able to say "that's enough. I'm better than this. We are all walking out today and we will not come back. Don't text." And we can't. None of us can lose the stability of a full time job that pays kind of okay even though it's killing you. None of us can face that uncerainty. I left with chest pain. It was my first day back after major surgery. I went home and sat in one spot for over six hours almost unmoving, crying and just in disbelief of how unfair it is. We can't leave. But something has to give before my team dissolves and one of us puts a gun in their mouth. And then we all still have to make our shift. Who else will do all that? Who's going to cover, huh? Clock in.

And I spent the rest of my day, which ran to 4 am before I was able to sleep, wishing I could quit and hating what's happening on tumblr just as much. On a fucking blogging platform. Because this has been my fun sandbox for over a decade and it's always kind of sucked, it's full of cat shit and people throw sand at you and you're getting sunburned but it's fun here. You find your people to play with. And then it's like you remember oh yeah, other people here want me dead. The owner of this place wants me to die. He wants everyone that makes this place cool and fun to die. And he'll turn around and say "yeeeah well you shouldn't have joked about being mean to me." And it's like why am I here! Why am I making posts for YOU?

I can't leave employment. I'm only a couple of weeks, maybe a couple months away from homelessness at any given time, with how tight finances are. "Shoestring budget" would be generous. We're making it through sheer force of will. But I can't quit my job, and neither can anyone else.

But I can leave this place that I've hated and loved for so, so long. The other massive drain on my life that wants to see me shrivel and die. I can get up and go. We could all just go. Mass exodus. And I know it won't happen. Give it a week, ten days. People move along. Yeah, that sucked. Well, here we all still are. Still posting. Still tumbling. Still complaining about the landlord. But most people won't leave. How can you walk on your friends and community, knowing they won't all follow? But how do you continue to stay here watching this happen? I'm already listening to people tell me "so? that doesn't affect me. it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. and of course this happened, duhhhh." It's like, feel stupid for getting comfortable here. You should feel stupid for settling in and making it a home and thinking it would be fun here. If you are transgender you are not safe and you are not wanted. Not in the queerest place on the web, either.

It's not about the funny hammer car explosion """threat.""" It was never about the hammer car explosion. That was a dogwhistle through a megaphone to transphobes. Tumblr's darlings. Don't worry. I'll take care of this one that thinks she can speak up against me. And against you. And now there's a defined "REASON" for the ban. Why, Matt hardly knew he was banning a trans woman. All he knew was fear! He had no choice! And you can ignore the ACLU and the claims of systemic transphobia, that's something else. We fixed that!

I want this place to die because it is already rotting. We are scraping at the bones at this point. Walls are crumbling and there's a hole in the floor to the room below and the windows have long been knocked out and the boiler hasn't worked in years. They aren't going to fix it. It has never been the intention to fix it. They want you to leave or die. Whichever. Don't matter. Just get lost. I will find another tenant. I will find another person who will give me more ad revenue. You are replaceable in that sense. Someone else will join tumblr tomorrow. And tumblr will make a buck off them instead.

But they cannot replace the ways in which you and I have made this site livable and bearable and fun. And I want us to leave so that the husk of this place can collapse and blow away in the wind. I want tumblr to take a major hit and I want the loss of ad revenue to HURT THEM. I want a mad scramble to figure out how to fix it all. They can't. They won't. The fix has always been there and it's always been refused. Terfs will never be turned away from tumblr. Neither will nazis. "Sorry you feel that way, but that's not against our tos. Was this answer helpful?"

You know how they say, "it there are ten people at a table and one is a nazi and no one stands up, you have ten nazis"? This feels like that to me. If 20,000 of us wait a week, shrug, and resume joking and playing and say, well, yeah, it's sad that another dozen trans fems were banned last night. But I like it here...

It feels like that. Why are my trans sisters' archives of 5, 10+ years of life and joy being wiped clean? I can't even tell you how many posts I've seen from an op whose url I recognize from last week, but whose username is grey and icon default, because she posted something less than a day ago to say "yo this sucks. Fuck this place and fuck this guy." They've never ever found the terfs and nazis to ban them because they DON'T CARE. Those are the ones they prefer. That they cater to. Post about the ceo being a dumbfuck and in 12 hours, risk losing your community and the ability to look back at your life online. Clean slate. As if you never lived there. Oh, but tumblr isn't a transphobic place. We fired the one and only naughty transphobe on staff who was taking bribes to send out bans. Pay to win moderation. That person's gone. So it's okay and you don't need to worry. It's okay, I promise. It's the queerest place on the web. Get comfortable.

I love my job and I love this place. One of them is going to push me to the edge. But I can choose to leave one. You can choose to leave with me. They can't fire us all.

#and i know that i am preaching halfway to the choir and halfway to deaf ears.#you either already care or you don't.#this either affects you a lot or not at all.#you'll either walk out or you'll clock back in and get back to it.#fuck though man. something has to give or it's going to snap. you know?#and frankly i just don't want to play here right now. it sucks a lot.#and it sounds like it's going to start sucking a whole lot more very quickly.#i hope the hellsite explodes. i hope the hammers go everywhere.#have a good night and all.#see you tomorrow or whatever.

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disquietiswhatitis · 4 months

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Kara Danvers

52% Lena Luthor (Supercorp.) By now, if you know, you know... *I apparently had A LOT of thoughts about the rest of Kara's ships so read under the cut at your own risk*

16% Diana Prince (an inferior ship claimed Superwonder long ago so I don't know what their ship name is.) This works for me in Dark Knights of Steel or primarily in a world where Kara is as old or older than she was on the Supergirl series. They compliment each other very well. Diana is more graceful, whereas Kara is more nerdy. Diana is more knowledgeable about art and history whereas Kara is better with math and science. They both have frustrations with the way humans are on Earth compared to the homes they came from but still believe in them and believe in protecting them. They both have pains associated with them leaving their homes and are fiercely loyal to their new homes and loved ones. They both believe in hope, help and compassion. They're two people who could be immortal and find solace with one another as time goes on. They're also both beautiful and could crush a sequoia between their thighs. If you're not sold on Kara/Diana, please give them a shot and read this...it's so lovely.

12% Sam Arias (Superreign.) For starters, let me address what I believe to be a misconception among Supergirl fans. When Lena stayed with Sam during 3x05 and was seen wearing a National City University sweatshirt, I believe that sweatshirt was Sam's and not Kara's. Lena went to MIT and even though Kara visited Lena at Sam's place, it made more sense to me that Sam provided Lena with one of her sweatshirts than Kara bringing one of Kara's sweatshirts from her own apartment for Lena. Thus the natural conclusion would be that Sam ALSO went to National City University. Do I think this lore implication brought about the sweater was an unintentional byproduct of the production crew having to be conservative with their budget (or maybe just lazy)? Perhaps, but it's what I believe nonetheless. Thus, we could've had Kara and Sam as college classmates, possibly even college girlfriends. I like that idea, especially since Kara and Sam would both go on to have a relationship with Lena, respectively, which would make for that messy, "queer women in a friend group all dating each other/a lot of the same women" rep that was missing from the show. I don't care for it when DC emphasizes Kryptonians having to be with other strong beings as if that hasn't been an issue for Clark and Lois in their many decades together...but if they're gonna do it, why not do it with a "friends to lovers to enemies but only when your evil alter ego takes control of your body?" The CW really rushed the development of their friendship (the way they rushed a lot of things) but the chemistry was there and I think it could've been enhanced later on with them bonding over them both being from Krypton. I think the Reign storyline could've been better and more impactful had Kara dated Sam and was actively trying to save her in a way that the Kara-Rhea-M*n El storyline fell flat. I also really like the two of them together in AU's where Lena is with Alex, it just fits. But most importantly and to put it very simply: they're both very pretty, super strong women that should've boned and maybe leveled a mountain in the process. If you want to give them a chance, admittedly I have some bias in recommending this but I think this is an excellent Kara/Sam fic (warning: contents are spicy), and this short follow up is just neat.

10% Andrea (Superrojas.) Andrea was the perfect amount of snide and bossy towards Kara yet thirsty for her and Supergirl. Kara was the right amount of wanting to believe the best in Andrea even when she challenged and irritated her while also looking at her like she wanted to do unspeakable things to Andrea in her office. It's what I imagine Superc*ts felt about Cat Grant except Andrea was actually hot and they had actual, spicy chemistry. 2% Imra Adreen (Supersaturn.) Listen...I hate the Legion of Superheroes. A few of its members are cool, but I've never liked the Legion as a whole. If DC is going to keep insisting on pairing Kara with one of its members in various media, I'd rather they give Kara a Legionnaire girlfriend. My hatred for M*n El I've made abundantly clear over the years so I'm not going to delve into that again right now. As for Brainy, I have absolutely nothing against the character. However, twice now I've had to watch Kara abandon Clark and the present to go live in the future with a boy she just met and in both instances, it never sat well with me and the episode/movie was terrible overall. More importantly, if we're going to be doing the whole "Kara's cousin falls in love with a family member of a big Superman villain who's nothing like them" trope, Supercorp is far and away the superior option. I love Brainy on the Supergirl show but he and Kara only ever gave off bro vibes on that and he's so much better with Nia than any Brainiac ever was with Kara that I never want to see him paired with anyone else. Back to why I like Imra though. In the comics universe, she's a cool character that I feel isn't used well or enough. I don't think a relationship with Kara would solve all of Imra's underutilization issues but it wouldn't hurt either. I don't have a problem with Kara going to the future; it's her staying there that bothers me. It wouldn't be an endgame but Imra would be one of the better matches for a first relationship for Kara. On the show, she's a cool character, she's very pretty and like most pretty women on the show, she looked at Kara like she wanted to be eaten up by her had good chemistry with Kara. The idea of Kara allowing a telepathic character into her mind during an intimate moment also appeals to me (while some DC media puts an unnecessary, weird amount of emphasis on Kryptonians having to be careful with their sex lives, a telepath being able to reassure Kara's anxieties and tell her "it's okay, you can let go" is a spicy good moment I'd like to read more of. Bonus: M*n El getting Mako-ed in a Korrasami situation (he dates two women who end up dating each other) would've been less than a quarter of what he deserved (no disrespect to Mako.)

2% Kate Kane (Kanvers I believe it's called.) Look...I've never been a fan of Ruby Rose. However, Kara was so freaking gay every time she interacted with Kate. Similar to how Lena should've gotten to bang the hot bartender Peggy in Ireland Newfoundland, Kara should've hooked up with the lesbian superhero she was totally flirting with, whether it was a one night stand during Elseworlds or them seeking a moment of relief among all the grief that was Crisis. If they'd let Kara be bisexual, then maybe she wouldn't have gone the last four seasons of the show without so much as a single kiss. Regardless, I just mentally picture Wallis Day instead of the other actress and it's a fun little ship.

2% Nia Nal (Superdreamer.) This one isn't necessarily about the show, though I do I think they could've been cute on the show IF Nia hadn't started out as Kara's protégé. Mentor-mentee relationships are so not my jam. However, a pairing between two variants of them where they weren't mentor-mentee could've been cool. Their comic book versions both having zipper jackets as part of their outfits also once struck me as an idea for a spicy fic that I'll never write.

2% Sara Lance (Supercanary.) The Danvers/Lance hook up that should've been. 1% Jimmy Olsen (Karolsen.) I do vastly prefer Kara with women but they still deserved better. They weren't my OTP in the first season but they were cute and I had hoped that with more time and development, they would get better the way Barry & Iris did on The Flash. (Important to note: I NEVER shipped Snowbarry (ew), I always liked Iris, I just don't think they had worked out what to do with her and her chemistry with Barry in that first season...it improved so much as time went on.) Unfortunately for Karolsen, that never happened and the show was so much worse for it.

1% Siobahn Smythe (Superbanshee.) Fun for some frenemies with benefits in Season 1 or "they were roommates" in the comics. Honorable mention: Lucy Lane. "Hell, I want to date her" was a biconic moment for Kara but I really liked Kara's other ships more and I prefer Lucy with Alex.

Send me ANY character and I'll tell you who I ship them with!

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a-writes3 · 2 months

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Strings

Chapter One: The Offer

Fatin Jadmani x reader

the wilds band au.

I promise it'll get better I just never know how to start stories. BTW all of their songs will be existing songs in the world from a bunch of different artists. I will be making playlists of songs in each chapter.

series masterlist

Living in L.A there are a lot of bands trying to make it big, get record deals. But The Unsinkables were different, they had an instant draw to them. Talent and charm that couldn't be matched, a stage presence that captured everyone's attention at once. The Unsinkables are also a sapphic band, a band of women for women, they are all of the queer community wrapped around their fingers.

There was Shelby, the bands lead singer and rhythm guitarist. The blonde was known as the sunshine of the group, always smiling and cheering others up. she is also in a relationship with fellow bandmate Toni, who is the Lead guitarist, though hot headed at times she has a heart of gold and will only come after you if you hurt those she cares about.

Dot, the drummer, is everyone’s masc dream. rumored to hook up with fans backstage and at after parties. a stone exterior at first after a life of hurt and disappointment but the softest person when you get to know her.

and then there’s Fatin, the bass player, everyone in the world has a crush on her and basks in the attention. she's hot and she definitely knows it, uses it to her advantage often. pushing lovers away after a day is normal for her, she keeps a lock around her heart for fear of it being broken. she can be icy at first but deep down, she cares deeply.

Shelby walks into the local music center, which is filled with practice rooms and walks through the halls, glancing though the small windows in the doors. Near the end of the hall, she finally finds who she is looking for, y/n, sitting in a room at a piano playing a melody that she seemed to have written, going back and forth between the keys and the paper she was writing notes on as she went. The blonde knocks quietly on the door and you look up to meet her eyes through the glass. Getting up and opening the door, Shelby gives you a friendly smile. You had known the girl since high school, you were in choir together throughout the years. The friendship has grown quite a lot, you consider each other best friends. though in recent times with her band, the closeness isn’t quite the same, she’s always busy.

“Hi Shelby” you offer her a smile back while making space for her to enter the room.

“Hey, y/n” she seems nervous, picking at her fingernails a bit.

“Is there something wrong?”

“No, not at all. I just had a little question for you.”

“Oh, go ahead.” you couldn’t help but feel nervous too at the question.

“So, my band needs a new keyboard player. and I thought of you.” she must’ve sensed wariness from you and continued quickly, “you don’t have to but maybe you could come to practice, meet the girls, play a couple songs and we can go from there.”

you hesitated a bit, anxious about what the others would think of you especially over a year into their time as a band.

“I don’t know shelbs, what if your band mates don’t want me there. i mean do they even know you’re here right now?”

“Well, not exactly. we floated the idea of a new keyboard player months ago, but no one could agree. our bassist, Fatin, thinks she can handle both instruments at once but with how bass heavy all of our songs are, she’s struggling on stage to switch back and forth. we need you.” the girl explained, a pleading look in her eyes. “Plus, wouldn’t it be nice to see each other more and make music together?”

you smiled softly at the last part, but your brain goes to Fatin, she went to your high school as well, a popular kid so you never spoke to her, but truth be told you always has a fascination with the girl. she was attractive no doubt and she had an undeniable charm to her.

“Fine. one practice” you say sighing. “But I am not agreeing to be in the band yet.” you add on before Shelby gets too excited.

“Yes!” the blonde exclaims. “Be at my house at 6 tonight!"

You watch Shelby walk out the room, smiling at her excitement. You sit back down to get more work done and pass the time until 6 o'clock comes.

#the wilds imagines #fatin jadmani x reader #shelby goodkind imagines #the wilds #fatin jadmani #dot campbell #leah rilke #shelby goodkind x reader #shelby goodkind #rachel reid #fatin jadmani imagines #dot campbell x reader #dot the wilds #dot campbell imagines

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lil-snake-crowley · 4 months

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alright so idk i just wanted to share an anecdote and my journey as an aroace person.

So this story starts the beginning of my freshman year. my second day really because it was just us on the first. now this needs prefaced by saying, i don’t have a lot of friends. it’s not some sad horrific thing - i mean id like a couple more friends but i’m not keen on a giant group. so at this point i have one solid friend, and i make it through the day like scouting out who’s nice and who i could get along with. my last class of the day is acting and i’ve already seen these people once or twice helping out with drama and i quickly get the understanding that they’re chill and id get along with them. the acting class is in the auditorium and we’re told to sit stage right in like two sections. i just pick a seat way off to the (stage) right, around people but not directly next to anyone. over the next week or so i start settling in and end up joining the big group twords the middle. i sit next to these two friends who i think are pretty cool and they seem to like me.

and the year progresses. i don’t become besties with one or the other but i make friends in general. i’m not sure if i could like become best friends with one of them because they had a really tight bond. like hallmark movie best friends. like the small part that isn’t ineffable about this relationship will be explained later on. but i am making other friends (i’m just gonna go with initials bc these ppl follow me on tumblr) and i become really good friends with w. we have some common interests but generally we just vibe yk.

now i’m gonna skip ahead a couple months to the school class play. all of us are involved in this - the previously mentioned acting friends (m and p) are both actors along with me and w is on stage crew. so one day w and i are mopping the stage or something just talking. i can’t remember exactly how it went but w has a boyfriend and he talks about him sometimes. but w really only refers to them as “my boyfriend” so i’m just going with it and pretending i know who it is. anyway at some point while we’re talking i must’ve said something like “who is your boyfriend btw” and they’re like ohhh l. and i just feel so dumb. they’re always together and interacting and i’m just like how did i not realize. i think about it for like a full day realizing how many things have gone over my head and how oblivious i am. fast forward a week or two to opening night. i’m kinda nervous because this is my first play-and also my first performance but i only had one line and i knew i could nail my characters. i have one bit in scene 3 then i change and im not needed til scene 7 so i mostly sit around and if it wasn’t crowded i sat in the fem dressing room. it’s about intermission time and we’re kinda sitting in a semi circle doing makeup as a bunch of queer (not girl) afabs. we’re talking about past relationships and stuff and coming out when p is talking and they say something along the lines of ‘and my dad was like you seem to be besttt frienddsss with m’. everyone understands and acknowledges it. then i realize. i’m like wtf. and i go ‘you’re with m??’ just lost and they confirm. this was like 10x more obvious than w and l. i have no clue how i didn’t see it. but 3 months in i realized that there relationship was romantic.

i don’t know why i care but i do. i wanted that friendship. i wanted a relationship like that. i thought i could have that if i found the right person. and in a single phrase i realized that i can’t. i know i can’t be in love. i accepted that long ago. but i struggle to accept this. maybe i didn’t believe in true love or whatever before i met them. but the way that they look at each others like they’re all they need. like it’ll be okay as long as they’re together. like i can see the hearts in their eyes. the way that they talk. the way they’re always laughing with each other. they way that they just effortlessly get each other. i don’t want to date them. i mean i’m aroace and lesbian at that. but i am so incredibly jealous. it’s like i see them together and it feels like a dagger in my chest. then i want a dagger in my chest. the jealousy consumes me.

at the beginning of that year i thought i had come to terms with myself. i’m not sure if i have. but i haven’t seen anyone talk about feeling this way, and if you’re like this, you’re not alone. we’re gonna make it through. it doesn’t matter how many friends you have or how relatable they are right now. you’re gonna find your person. and i hope someday i can find a plutonic m to my p

i really struggle with friends. i currently have 2 solid friends that i talk to most days. i know that i’m not either of their number ones. i’m aware that i put in eighty percent of the effort into our relationships. at least with one of them. but i know that people do care for me. and that i may never be able to fall in love, but i still get to be loved. and i still get to love. i just have so many more people to share my love with. i love you.

#aromantic #aroace #arospec #acespec #asexual #jealousy #feelings #real life #i never read through this sorry on the spelling/grammar

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temporalhiccup · 1 year

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Tips on finding folks who'll give generous thoughtful feedback, and on ensuring a diversity of playtesters (not only across marginalisations, but experience levels etc).

Feedback and a robust set of playtesters are so important to my game design process. Playtesting is an absolute joy for me, while being an incredible way to grow as a designer.

So! Tips on finding your playtesters! Warning, I apparently went into full geek mode in this post, so proceed at your own risk.

Clarify what's essential for your core playtest group.

This differs per designer so I'll give you what's essential for me and why. Reading through this, I invite you to consider what makes you go "ah, me too!", "hmmm, nah", "oooh kinda" and create your own list of what's essential from your responses. I recommend keeping it to three things!

Relatively high experience with ttrpgs. I learned long ago that I enjoy designing complex and interesting experiences for my players. There is an argument to be made that complex games with a strong structure are actually great for those new to the hobby. I've seen folks point out that the "rules lite" and "simple" ttrpgs only really make sense to seasoned players. That being said, my games do ask for a high level of engagement, for players to be intuitive and creative on the fly. Also, players who have more experience across different games provide the most useful feedback for my process. Otherwise, and I hate to say it, the feedback tends to feel like "Getting A Lot Of Boss Baby Vibes From This".

Places story and character before mechanics. This makes it easier for me to keep tweaking the mechanics and play structure to encourage placing story and character first. I take note of what cool things my players did during a playtest, and later I'll try to codify that into a mechanic that's open to interpretation. I have a harder time with play testers who look too closely at the mechanics and feel constricted by them! But this can go too far: I don't get great feedback from folks who are comfortable ignoring a game and its mechanics almost entirely, and just free play the entire time. If they can't engage with my game then I can't work on its design. So finding that balance is key! Folks who help focus on the story and character potential contained in or bursting forth from my mechanics is super helpful.

Understands the kind of game I want to make. This is the most important one. The cool thing about indie games is you can and SHOULD go hard in expressing your gaming philosophy, while highlighting themes from your lived experience. I am not interested in creating a generic system that can play "any" experience. In my mind, that just means I've catered to the mainstream expectation of what a TTRPG is, which is influenced and structured by the dominant creative voice: cis-het, white, and male. Playtesters who understand, or are at least open to, the kind of games I make are essential. My games often dive into queer and post-colonial themes: found family, emotional exploration, a focus on relationships, generational responsibility and pain, a personal definition of freedom, among others. This is not because I am consciously writing about these things: I am simply writing what I know. And what I know is being a queer Filipino. Does that mean I need playtesters who are only queer and Filipino? No, absolutely not. But playtesters who don't force a mainstream/heteronormative/cis/white perspective through feedback is essential.

Find a community that is made up of players who embody what's essential for you

Do you absolutely need to engage with a community? No, you can put together a group of friends and playtest with each other, sure! In fact that's what I do now. But most of these people I met through an online community!

My own experiences with putting together groups just wasn't as enriching compared to becoming part of a community. TTRPGs shine the most when they're played with people who can engage with each other meaningfully, and communities provide that energy in abundance.

Your best bet is to find this community online. And I mean community community. The general open social spaces like Twitter, hashtags "communities", Tumblr, un-modded Discord servers, these are not communities. They are social spaces made up of several folks who just happen to have the same hobby.

Instead seek out online spaces that are cared for, that have a group of active members who ensure safety and expression, who put marginalized voices first. I know these spaces are few. But every time I have drifted from them to seek out playtesters elsewhere, I have been disappointed 90% of the time. You may have more luck than I do tho!

You can find this group in person, but indie ttrpgs flourish online. It's just easier to find people, usually across different time zones and all around the globe, who are interested in playing indie games.

Prioritize players over designers

So, I say this as someone who enjoys playtesting and engaging with designers. Let me explain what I mean.

This is a very personal thing, but my design and tastes prioritize play over theory. My design philosophy grows and evolves through the act of play. I design from a place of intuition and instinct, and only see what I was doing in hindsight. It's a grounded and dirty creative process. The hindsight sharpens instinct, and the process starts all over again.

I tend to get better feedback from folks who will say things like "well, I only just play, I'm not a designer", or from other designers who prioritize play as much as I do.

In my experience, the feedback I get that comes from a purely theoretical place, just doesn't vibe with me or offer anything I can act on. I'll think we're talking about the same thing, and it turns out, we absolutely weren't! It made the feedback and conversation frustrating.

Games designed from "pure" theory tend to be unfun for me to play or engage with. (this opens a whole new conversation about the value of games that aren't designed played, and I do cherish their value, but that's outside of my playtesting advice!)

If your design process and enjoyment is different from mine, then heck yes friend, go find your people and make beautiful games together!

When something works, stick with it.

My playtesting process has grown and changed over the years, and I've settled on a very simple process that offers the best feedback for my design.

I have two core playtesters (shout out to Josh of @ostrichmonkey-games and Sherri Stewart), and a rotating huge group of players (who mostly came from one online community, but a whole bunch are folks I met online and support my games).

My core playtesters embody the essentials: Josh and Sherri have a lot of experience with ttrpgs (that differ from each other), they place story and character before mechanics, and they understand the kind of games I want to make (better than I do, I would dare say).

For each game I playtest, I'll pick 1-2 more players from the open group who bring something else I need. Sometimes it'll be "I need someone relatively new to ttrpgs" or "I need someone who loves the magical girl genre as much as I do" or "I need someone who doesn't know what the heck the magical girl genre is".

It can be as hyper specific as "I think my game would break and become unfun with someone who takes their time and maybe overthinks a little bit, who talks it out for a long time with players. I'm going to see if I can tweak the game to be more accommodating to this playstyle."

There you go! Playtesting is my favorite part of the game design process and I'm always happy to talk about it. I hope this is helpful!

#ttrpg design #indie ttrpg #ttrpg #playtesting #ask me #design breakdown

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flutekid · 1 year

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that 90s show thoughts (SPOILERS)

what i liked about that 90s show

• ozzie

• leia being extremely awkward and naive… girl i understand you that is/was me.

• the show does make use of the ‘hey! remember this?’ a little too much, but i smiled every time they mentioned something from t7s. the vista cruiser reveal? i teared up!

• jay & nates friendship was enjoyable

• i liked how they did the ‘bits’ like they did in t7s, such as the 90210 one, the talk show with ozzie, and fez’s hair commercial. i don't think they were done as well on t9s, but i can applaud them for committing to the bits the way t7s did

• obviously it was fun catching up with the returning characters post t7s, especially seeing the dynamic switch of eric and donna being parents now or the ‘upstairs people’ (as in not hanging out in the basement)

what i didn’t like about that 90s show

they ruined jackie’s character again lol. fez mentions to kitty how he and jackie broke up- they went on vacation and fez finds her talking on the phone with kelso in their hotel room (implying she cheated). not only is that ooc for jackie, it was a little crazy to me especially considering the ending to s7 with kelso in the hotel room.

i don’t even wanna get started on jackie/kelso being together but know i didn’t like it. they really regressed jackie to her like… pre s5 self. she wanted to leave point place and make a name for herself, and instead she’s remarrying kelso for the 3rd time.

the show was a little too fast paced to me, but maybe it’s because it’s 5am. leia arrives in point place on july 3, and i’m assuming she leaves in late august cause of school. so it’s only 2 months of in show time, yet i kinda feel that the episodes were a lil rushed, but also it may be because there were only 10 episodes in t9s when t7s had 20+ per season.

in t7s pilot, the gangs group dynamic is really easy to pick up on. but in t9s has leia start as an outsider and then joins the friend group in the pilot. the gang in t9s doesn’t have a clear dynamic to me, and i don't really see how the friend group fits together. while in t7s, some characters werent as close as others (jackie & eric for example), their friendship still felt realistic and believable. the characters in t9s seem like they don’t hang out outside of the group dynamic, but they clearly do because we’re shown they do. scenes where it was just two or three felt weird, but so did the full group scenes? the only friendship i bought was jay & nate's friendship (they kinda had kelso/fez friendship vibes lol)

i didn’t really like jay and leia’s relationship, but i think it's just due to the pacing. the writers did a better job of setting up eric & donna’s relationship in just the pilot of t7s than the writers did in t9s over 10 episodes with jay & leia.

extremely minor thing: was anyone else shocked to find out donna’s room was on the ground floor the whole time? i’ve thought it was on the second floor since i first watched t7s as a teenager

also i’m sorry they should’ve made fez not straight he is too queer coded to not be

things i would change

Leia should've had an established friendship with maybe Gwen & Nate already (they live next door to her grandparents after all, not crazy to say she could’ve met them at Thanksgiving or Christmas). It would’ve made her decision to stay in Point Place for the summer a little more motivated, instead of wanting to stay to hang out with 5 people she met 4 hours ago.

#that 90s show #t9s #i have thoughts as a former t7s show stan #and i binged watch this entite show at 3am instead of sleeping beforr work i have THOUGHTS #also sorry if none kf this makes sense it is 5am

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olderthannetfic · 2 years

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"But what really stands out to me here is how universal you imagine your experience of self hatred and misery is. That isn't my life. It isn't the life of the queer people I hang out with. This is a you problem and one you need to discuss with a queer-friendly therapist."

----

I don't understand this. Literally nobody else acts like this is the case outside of the internet. I'm not accusing you of lying. The world is a big and diverse place and I'm sure your experiences are different, but this is not the case in most realities. This whole cherry-picked group of people coming here to say otherwise feels like gaslighting. (I know I am misusing the word. That's not actually what it is.) I'm saying that's what it feels like.

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but have ever gone to a therapist for yourself? Is it really going to make a difference to hear affirmations about your identity or your self-esteem or whatever from someone that you're paying to hear those things from? Because anyone could go to a therapist from just about any agenda, be it LGBT+, or Christian, or sex positive or whatever, and they'll craft whatever you say to fit the narrative they specialize in.

I mean, if the therapist is fundamentalist enough, they'd probably just give you sedatives to kill your sex drive altogether. You can spend the rest of your life doing that, thinking that it's good advice because someone with a professional title told you so. Any kind of person can earn the credentials to give a prescription. How are you supposed to trust that a therapist is anchored in the proper reality?

I know I'm getting heated and I will back off. But holy shit, this is not as simple or as universal as tumblr makes it out to be.

I believe you that you're being genuine. It's just fascinating to me.

I've known a lot of queer people in my life. I've had the privilege of growing up in a relatively queer-friendly city, but I wouldn't say it was great for teenagers because nowhere was in the 90s. My gay neighbors across the street (I have multiple sets of gay neighbors) commented that they aren't very demonstrative in public even now because while people are mostly friendly, a lifetime of dealing with bullshit lingers and makes them cautious.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to Escapade, the oldest extant slash con, which is full of old queer people. Tonight, I met up with friends offline, many of them queer. Family holidays generally consist of all my queer cousins and like one straight one.

The responses you got here, though they're from some randos and people I know only via tumblr, match what my many offline queer friends would tell you.

This doesn't feel cherry-picked to me: it just feels normal.

We like being queer. We don't love all of the shit people have given us, but we would not change our true selves just for an easier time.

Yes, I have gone to therapy, once voluntarily and once involuntarily as a small child. The latter was extremely annoying, but the former was helpful. I've never been to therapy over my sexuality. I've never felt bad about my sexuality, not my orientation and not my many odd kinks. (It was definitely helpful to have access to the internet and manifestos on why various things are fine though. I wouldn't say I just magically accepted myself with no outside influence. It just wasn't influence from a therapist.)

Many types of therapist exist, and they aren't all just there to make you feel good or tell you what you want to hear. If this has been your experience of therapy, you've gotten some duds.

Like I said, you should go to a queer-friendly therapist, which one finds by looking for recs from other queer people. This is a whole Thing: people often share tips online about which therapists can properly handle their identity, whether they're queer or poly or into BDSM or whatever else.

The stuff you said about bisexuality is bog standard biphobia. We've all heard it a million times. I'm more concerned with how self-hating you sound. That may be the norm a lot of places, but it doesn't need to be your reality.

I'm not speaking from tumblr. I'm speaking from having been out as bisexual since 1995, publicly and offline.

Your attitude does not sound healthy or normal for any of the queer communities I've participated in. That's not an insult. That's a genuine "Whoa? Holy shit! WHAT?" reaction to all the things you said.

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genderkoolaid · 6 months

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For your experiences with transadrophobia:

Back a few years ago I was being followed by this group of 3 girls after I refused to give them my number. Keep in mind that they don't know I'm trans yet, they think I'm a cis girl at this point. They followed behind me, pestered me about my number, they wouldn't give up but it hadn't escalated to yelling or insults yet. After a little while of this they went back to their car and came out with a different group of girls, one of the girls from the original group (the one who asked for my number in the first place) stayed with this new group, I think now there were 4 of them.

This scared me so terribly that for some ridiculous reason I thought outing myself would make them stop, even though I could tell they were getting close to giving up. I understand now how ridiculously dangerous this was, but for some reason younger me thought that if they knew I was a trans man, they would stop. So know that they knew I was a trans man, I was first greeted with visible disgust before they stopped walking behind me and started running for me.

Without getting to into too this, they commented on the size of my chest repeatedly, told me that "a real man" wouldn't be so scared of them so clearly I'm not a real man, and yelled and screamed some other things at me that I dont remember clear enough to retell in a coherent way, but they would always find away to rope me being a trans man into it. After that I thought they had left me alone for awhile, but what they actually did was take a different road so they could cut me off on the street I was walking on.

Now they were in front of me, blocking me from walking through, when I turned around their car was parked down the road by the sidewalk, so I would have had to walk past it to get away, which I absolutely wasn't doing. One of them ran towards me and raised her hands at me like she was going to hit me- thankfully she didn't. On the same kinda note, the other girls ran and jumped at me like they were gonna kick me- again, thankfully they didn't, but I think all of this was to try and scare me in to turning around and walk towards their car. They only seriously started threatening me after I outed myself. Some how a I got away, I don't really remember how but I did. The walk I was going on should have took 15 minutes max, it turned into about an hour- hour and a half maybe? Because of them.

I understand that all of this is way way on the lighter side of things people have experienced, but it was definitely a horrifying first experience with irl transphobia. The situation makes me so goddamn angry now though, because the only reason I outed myself was because at the time I was surrounded by cis queer women telling me about how easy trans men and mascs have it. About how safe we are from violence. Meanwhile I had older trans men telling me that we don't experience as much hatred, violence and oppression as women (both cis and trans) so that we have to be aware of that and use our privilege to protect those around us.

It makes me angry how I internalized that so much that I put myself in even more danger. It scares me to think about what might have happened had I not gotten a friend there, because they showed no signs of stopping and just got more and more aggressive. I'm really sorry if this is to much, or not relevant! I just thought this might count. Again I'm so sorry if it doesn't.

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry they did that to you, it sounds like a terrifying experience.

#m.#ask box #experiences with transandrophobia

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wahlpaper · 11 months

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Thistlefoot Review

Thistlefoot by GennaRose NetherCott

CW: Violence, Xenophobia, Antisemitism, Death, Genocide, Self-harm, Suicidal Ideation, Swearing, Toxic Parental Relationship, Money Problems, Homelessness, Possession, Child Death, Drinking, Blackmail, Gore, PTSD, Self Loathing

5/5

I have found in my attempts at using dating apps that the media/entertainment recommendations of my matches tend to stick with me a lot longer than the people do. I say this to be funny, not for pity. Months ago I matched with a book-loving girl who gave me the perfect book rec. I told her about my blog being Queer and Jewish-based, and she immediately suggested Thistlefoot by GennaRose Nethercott. It took a while for it to get to me on Libby, but it was absolutely worth the wait!

Thistlefoot is about two magical siblings, Isaac and Bellatine Yaga. They are left a living house from their great-great-grandmother, Baba Yaga. Isaac and Bellatine are young adults now and haven't seen each other in 6 years. They don't trust each other, but they're willing to work out what to do with the house. Isaac has some debts he wants to clear and Bellatine wants the freedom that comes with a house that can walk. So they decide to continue their family business of puppet shows for one year, adding a stage to the house. Unfortunately, the house wasn't the only thing Baba Yaga left them. The past is coming back through an old enemy who wants the house destroyed.

Folklore, the past, and the concept that the body remembers trauma are all very important to Thistlefoot. Nethercott did a lot of research on folklore while writing the book. She looked into her Russian roots and quite a lot of American stories. She incorporated as much as she could into the book and wrote her own in as well. Folklore also affected how the story was told. Most books in third person have a narrative to explain what's happening outside of dialogue, but it's rare for them to feel like a character. In Thistlefoot, you aren't just reading a story, you're being told one. Perhaps it's Nethercott inserting herself into the story. Throughout, you also get interjections from Thistlefoot, the house, as she tells you interesting, but misleading information about the past.

I absolutely loved the experience of reading Thistlefoot. I didn't really know what was going to happen as I went through, even down to the last page. Every bit of the present, past, and history unfolded when the time was right. The story centers on a group that doesn't want to care about each other, but can't help themselves. Isaac and Bellatine are joined by a musical trio that just wants to fix the world and a girl that Bellatine brings to life with her animation powers. Basically, everyone has something about themselves that they aren't sharing, and that absolutely includes the house. Some pieces are revealed more cinematically than others, but they all contribute to why this book is so popular.

Despite the fact that Baba Yaga is not traditionally Jewish, I think it was a smart move to make that her religion. Russia's history of pogroms and antisemitism plays an important role in the story. There are many happier aspects of Judaism incorporated as well, such as traditional names, the use of Yiddish, and a shofar. Alongside the Jewish representation is queer representation. Bellatine has a romance with another woman, Baba Yaga was happier as a widow than married, Isaac had complex feelings for his best friend, and Sparrow the musician is non-binary. More diversity than this is included in Thistlefoot, making the book that much more relatable.

Nethercott spins an epic tale and race against time in Thistlefoot. If you're looking for a cinematic book that you can feel like a part of, I highly recommend this one. Puppetry, folklore, and memory come together to tell a tale you won't forget!

#thistlefoot #gennarose nethercott #bookblogger #book blog #queer books #queer characters #jewish books #wlw #jewish authors #baba yaga #folklore #nonbinary rep #contemporary fantasy #magic powers #puppets #isaac and bellatine #happy pride 🌈

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river-witchery · 1 year

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I posted 998 times in 2022

That's 142 more posts than 2021!

201 posts created (20%)

797 posts reblogged (80%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@river-witchery

@cephalopodvictorious

@slavicafire

@cipheramnesia

@borinquenaqueer

I tagged 407 of my posts in 2022

#riverwitch - 61 posts

#witchcraft - 29 posts

#for the group chat - 24 posts

#magic - 19 posts

#witch - 19 posts

#freyja the cat - 9 posts

#selfie - 7 posts

#yeah - 7 posts

#divination - 6 posts

#ask game - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 92 characters

#i don't necessarily think this is the fault of the people who are writing these posts either

My Top Posts in 2022:

Me after lighting one (1) candle-

41 notes - Posted January 29, 2022

"With each pin that falls, bring with it those who allow [this suffering] to happen."

In Remembrance To All Those Who Have Suffered The Pains Of War & Imperialism; Excerpt from my Grimoire.

41 notes - Posted April 19, 2022

The amount of people who nonchalantly decide to regularly eat foods that they are allergic/intolerant to, stresses me out.

Like hun, your "mild" allergy to that fruit you like could very easily to into an anaphylactic reaction and have you dead.

That food you're intolerant to that fucks up your stomach every time you eat it, that you still decide to eat every day, is raising your risk for digestive cancers and malnutrition issues so much.

Like, if you know this and decide to keep doing it, more power to you. You make your own decisions my friend. But please... make informed ones.

77 notes - Posted May 13, 2022

I wish more people would grapple with the idea that you can be scared of something without hating it. You can be scared of wasps without hating them. You can be scared of spiders without hating them. Just like you can be scared of drowning without hating the ocean.

131 notes - Posted May 30, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I've known I that I'm nonbinary for a while. Started figuring that out in college, which feels like a lifetime ago. I hadn't known my entire life, but that was more of a pebble than a pothole on my road to self-discovery. I went through a moment of "am I trans enough to call myself trans?" What a funny thought, looking back on it.

Coming to terms with being transmasc though? That was an entirely different thing. My gender felt weird. It felt queer. But masculine? No. I had no connection with masculinity. I felt just as uncomfortable with masculinity as I did femininity.

Or so I told myself—and others occassionally, when I wanted to emphasize my gender's queerness, its otherness, its void-like ambiguity; when I wanted to make sure they didn't just swap out one half of the binary for the other.

Looking back, I can tell something wasn't sitting right, something was nagging at the peripheral of my self-understanding. I remember finding a lot of comfort in butchness at this time. I am so thankful for butches for that safety in exploration, and the gentle nudging into queer masculinity.

But it wasn't really until dear friend of mine, new to my nonbinary-ness, began swapping the more feminine-coded compliments and titles for distinctly masculine ones—it wasn't really until then that my transmasculinity took root to blossom in me.

And you can spare me the essay; I can read my own words. "I wanted to make sure they didn't just swap out one half of the binary for the other." Hear me when I say that I could feel it in my soul that they did not do that. I could tell—and I know I am not the only one who can—when "handsome" was said queerly.

It is not a coincidence that I only give my full set of pronouns to those who I can trust to see the queerness in "he/him." I withhold those for my own safety, though in the process, I feel like I am withholding part of myself. Because the euphoria I get when I can be nonbinary, genderqueer, transmasculine, is like no other I have felt before.

182 notes - Posted August 30, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #it's funny that i reblogged from myself the most #i'm my biggest fan lol

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ionlytalktodogs · 2 years

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Okay look I’m kinda young, right. Probably too young to be making this post. But what you might not know is I came out a solid 7 years ago. And holy shit was it a different landscape then than it is now. Maybe not as different as it was 10 or 20 years ago but it was different.

As a dumbass 10 year old all I could think was who would care that I’m gay! It’s not important! Everyone I love will still like me for who I am, even if they don’t support queer people :)

Oh how I was wrong.

I’ve spent 7 long years internally shaking and slapping my younger self saying “WHY DIDN’T YOU WAIT YOU ASSHOLE” because 10 was? Too young to come out. For where I was in life. I was already dealing with a whole host of problems (mental illness, especially severe anxiety causing me to have trouble leaving the house, as just an example) and when I came out it got way. WAY. Worse.

All my friends left. They isolated me from other kids. Told all the kids I knew that I was a homo freak and to stay away from me or else I’d hit on them (yes even the boys, they didn’t really understand what being a lesbian was ngl). My parents were disgusted. My older brother, who had previously been my best friend for my whole life, refused to be in the same room with me because I’m a “pervert” and a “freak.” My dad stopped talking to me altogether for a while.

Suddenly everyone I thought I had left.

Every avenue I had was…closed. There were no youth groups in my area, no QSA, nothing. Representation in media? HA. As if.

I had three people who supported me: my grandparents and my girlfriend (who went on to…kind of traumatize me but that’s another story). And still my mom wouldn’t let me explicitly talk to my grandparents about being queer. We had to dance around the subject. They gave me books about queer characters and told me to hide them. All the books were dense 400+ page novels about gay men, near impossible for me to read with my ADHD and dyslexia.

I had…no one. And the worst part? Everything got a million times harder when I came out as nonbinary. There was even less for nonbinary people. Once I aged into high school I finally got the ability to go to a QSA………only to be met with extremely transphobic LGB people. I finally met another queer person (other than my ex). She immediately told me that trans people are “traitors to the community.”

What I’m trying to say is…not a lot of stuff makes me cry…but the representation I’ve been seeing lately in cartoons? In cartoons that are accessible to KIDS? That makes me cry. She-ra and the Owl House and all of that. That makes me scream and sob. Because I would’ve benefited SO much from that as a kid. I cried myself to sleep every night dreaming of a day when we had that. I was exposed to so much completely inappropriate shit as a kid because I was so desperate for representation and the only representation that existed for people like me was…well you know.

I’m just so glad that these younger LGBTQ+ people get to…have that representation. I can’t stop thinking about kids like me, who don’t have support in their real life, getting to read things like the Tea Dragon Society and Heartstopper. And I’m so. SO FUCKING HAPPY. That they get that. I can’t explain how special it is to me that younger people get to have this representation I can’t explain it. I pleaded every day for this future. And it’s here.

#happy pride #be loud and proud #and for the record #my parents have come around #my mom got me a cake to celebrate that I’m gay last year #my dad is taking me to some pride events this year #my brother is still an asshole but whatever lol #sometimes people…do come around #I really never EVER thought they would. but they did!#just like…five years after when I needed their support…lol #pride #lgbt #lgbtq #pride month #my ramblings

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aconcernedgp · 4 months

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Minorities and "Hating Teachers"

If you're in a minority, it's easy to see the logic behind hating teachers i think. like. I'm very autistic, i went to a public school and, from all of the people who i went to that school with, i was not the only one who had issues with teachers.

My friend and I had a year 2 (First Grade) Teacher who would come to school drunk and get kids to do potentially dangerous things for the sake of convenience. my best friend at the time got bullied out of school by him, constantly talking about how he "needed to catch up" in learning and making comments about how bad at school he was.

By the end of year 3 (Second Grade) going into year 4 (Third Grade) I was beginning to get bullied by my peers for my, then unknown, autism. I actually had a Teaching Assistant specifically for me and another kid who had a developmental disability because i would get picked on and it would cause me to have a meltdown. I straight up threw a chair at one of my bullies one time because he bit me. At the time it was only ever labelled as "Anger Issues", something i then proceeded to internalize. And my year 4 teacher, the ever-so-fitting Mrs. Burden, decided that instead of trying to figure out why this was happening, she would just give me detention. I was 8 years old and i was being made to stay behind for an hour at school. and this happened upwards of forty times. of the approximately 140 days i was being taught by her, she gave me 40 detentions. I left that school by February.

This is what i mean when i say i think it's easy to see the logic behind hating teachers if you're in a minority. because if you're a part of a minority group, be it disabled people who got bullied by teachers for not meeting the same standard as able classmates, queer people who got socially rejected and whom teachers refused to help, women who got treated differently by teachers in an uncomfortable way, or people of a cultural or racial minority group where teachers said or did something racist or xenophobic, the common denominator is that you've had issues with teachers, statistically more often than people who are not in that minority.

But there's a reason i said "see the logic behind hating teachers" and not "hate teachers", and that's because, as with anything, teaching is a really vast field. teaching is at its most bare bones, giving information to someone and showing them how to use it. do you know how many people have done a form of teaching before?

At the same time as this i recognise that when people say they "hate teachers" they mean school teachers. people who teach a standard curriculum to students or pupils. and while, yeah, i understand that too, some teachers are specifically not bad.

Between the ages of 9 and 11, at the new school i went to, I got a new teacher. her name was Mrs. Neale and she was possibly the best I've ever had. I had her for both Year 5 (Fourth Grade) and Year 6 (Fifth Grade), and i didn't know this until a year ago but she specifically requested to teach my class in year 6 at the end of year 5 because since i had arrived there, my general mood and happiness had increased so much that she specifically wanted to keep that going until the end of primary school. At the same time as this, I got assigned to a councilor (who i didn't realise was a councilor until like 5 years later) who i saw every friday and she helped me learn to calm myself down when i needed it, but she also told me that it's okay for me to be angry.

I've had pretty shit teachers. Most of my teachers have been pretty shit. it's okay to detest them them for hurting you when you were just a kid. but I can't in good faith say that you should hate all teachers, because no matter who you are or were as a child, there are teachers who would have made your life a bit more bearable if you were learning from them.

#teaching #minorities #minority #autism #actually autistic #hating teachers #audhdogposting

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sorceress-foxgirl-ariel · 10 months

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I’ve been feeling like shit on and off for a long while now, and it caused me to think a lot; i guess i should try to get this out at some point, so here goes. i’m not gonna re-read this when i’m done, so i’ll preemptively say: probable CW: SH, depression, vent...

this is basically a short story of why i am how i am and who i am. i wouldn’t be surprised if no one reads this. the pacing will be fucked up cause it’s more or less a stream of thoughts without plan. i’m sorry, i shouldn’t post this but i need to.

Going to high school was a weird experience, and it changed me as a person entirely; earlier i was in class with a lot of just overall not good guys, and the heavy childish divide stemming from their soft-bullying meant that i had no interaction with girls. Within that environment i stayed far to the side, only interacting in any meaningful way with 3 people at most. Add to that a years-long crush i had through that time and i basically shut myself away from the people, as well as myself. I had no idea who i was and i didn’t care to try finding out. I never had exposure to anything other than cishet people and queerness seemed fictional. The shell i developed kept me away from it and my feelings. It worked, i didn’t feel bad.

Then came high school, as mentioned above. Completely different people, at least some of them; genuinely nice for once. I was already softened up by a camp i went to about a month ago, where i met people who were the best i’d met before. I was open to make friends for once.

I quickly found a group for myself. It was nice, and they were the first people in my life that went out and about with being queer. It wasn’t all good, as at the same time i got manipulated into nearly being in a relationship with a very obsessive girl, but my new friend group helped me realize what was going on, and my first relationship would come later. This, however, in addition to everything else that was going on, pushed me to start cracking that emotional shell, which also meant the first stages of me cracking as trans. Throughout all that i went through phases of demiboy and genderfluid, the latter of which would stick around for some while later. I also defined as ace, which i’m still not sure how wrong was. That’s when i named myself Quinn for like 4 days and then switched to Ari; that would also stay, as my genderfluid label.

That was also the time i first fell into realized depression, getting rejected by yet another person and feeling the crushing weight of the emotions i put away for so long. I started to realize what i wanted and didn’t have; my need for love and affection manifesting more and more. I wanted to cry from the onslaught on my mind, but couldn’t. I found that the most effective alternative was cutting myself, but that’s not very sustainable...

Some happiness came next year, as i found love for the first time. It definitely helped, i held onto the memories of it for quite a while. It ended after about half a year, without bloodshed or any argument really, although it surprised me and knocked me down a bunch, further confirming my needs and desires. In part it was also responsible for me pushing my self-exploration further.

I can’t remember how long passed exactly, but after a while longer i started to realize that i felt less and less of a boy in my supposed fluidity, and said to myself that i am actually trans. That hasn’t changed. Shortly after i faund myself fantasizing about sex, leading to me abolishing the ace label, but i still haven’t found anything to replace it with. I changed my name quietly to what i have now, and my friends noticed after some time.

Depression still looming somewhere in me, i’d been turning to social media and networks further and further over a while, getting myself out to the ones who would take me in; that’s how i am here today. I found a few people, mostly through discord and twitch, not all of them good. There was one that started to roleplay sex in my dms, and i decided to go along with it against all my judgement. Reflecting on it later i found that i’m to desperate; i want to be loved so bad that i’ll take anything that even slightly resembles it, which is the same reason i like hornyposting and random flirting.

Today i still feel the loneliness i did and i really want to get over it, or at least let the emotions out. I won’t cut myself to cope anymore, but i still physically cannot cry. I need to survive until i get an estrogen prescription, which i’m working towards. I have my friends to help me, and maybe, just maybe, i may have found another person who loves me... across the fucking sea. I guess that’s just my luck.

There’s still a lot that i can’t deal with. This post is basically me trying to let some of that bullshit out in a slightly healthier way than with a knife. I don’t know what i’m hoping for with this, and why i’m doing this here, but i’d rather not think too hard and be done with it. I’m sorry for this post.

#cw sh #cw depression #cw vent #vent #text #personal #long post

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irontacotimemachine · 1 year

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Earliest I remember in my dream, my college classmates and I were entering the student union for lunch. It had been a while since I had been there (maybe just come back from the summer, maybe the years it's actually been in reality, timeline unclear). I was looking at all the different places trying to find something I could eat and it was still stupid difficult. I eventually got enough of something and sat down to eat with a really close classmate friend, who I actually saw in person recently, and my spouse, who back in those days would take a break and eat lunch with me when possible.

After lunch, it morphed into attending middle school classes with my high school classmates. Actually went through what felt like a day's classes, including art where I drew and water colored. And then the next day. And then the next day. Oddly detailed classes, lots of dealing with pencil cases and notebooks, even a locker. One of my current coworkers was the art teacher. The other teachers seemed to be middle and high school teachers I actually had. Each class I was making an effort to sit next to someone I wanted to be closer to. I can remember three specific people I sat next to in these classes who I really would have liked to be better friends with but I hadn't spent the time on them because of our different friend groups.

The last class while I was asleep was sitting across from my main high school crush. He talked to me a lot and we had a legitimate conversation, maybe more than we ever had back then, very good amount of interest in each other's lives and things that were going on in school. Lots of discussing homework. Also for some reason there was food and drink available in this room so I got a bunch of it for us and we had a great meal. Reality started to bleed in, I was talking about the art project I was working on where I was going to collage or trace in a photo from the downtown of the place I live now, which is hundreds of miles from where I grew up. And I mentioned how nice all the cars are here, how safe it is and my parents would let me go for a walk whenever I felt like it. To be fair, everywhere I lived with my parents was like that, thanks to growing up in places and times where that was ok. Our teacher sat down by us and reality intruded more, we started talking about one of my coworkers who got married during the pandemic and had twins now. I also was having flickers of acknowledging how even though I was feeling this connection to him and even though the intensity of the crush was pressing on me, increased by the impact of him actually paying attention to me and talking like reasonable human beings, not only am I married but he and I would not make a reasonable couple given the whole bit about him being devoutly Catholic from a large Catholic family and me being a queer nonbinary person who isn't religious and struggles with spirituality.

This portion of the dream largely mirrored a dream I had over a month ago that I had recorded in my writing app and happened to stumble upon and read yesterday. The setting was different but the feelings behind the interaction were the same, I think. Massive ego validation by receiving attention and possibly interest from this person who rejected/ignored me years and years ago tempered by acknowledging that I have it better already and this person wouldn't fit my life even if I wasn't in a healthy monogamous relationship.

I swear if I meet this man again and it turns out he went off the rails of traditional catholicism, and not in a more judgemental direction, my dream mind is going to be irritating. Also I wish in these dreams I would see some of the other people I had crushes on because I miss them quite a bit.

7.5 hrs.

#dream log

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