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bunnykawa · 4 years

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what are you doing, step bro? (sakusa x f. reader)

summary: To your parents, Sakusa was the greatest son. To you, he was the best big brother you could’ve ever asked for, but you could only find that out with a little force.

a/n: i literally just started college so i won't have much time to write but i have some stories in my drafts that'll be posted in awhile lol. should i open requests for haikyuu drabbles since they're short but still entertaining?? idek i feel like no one is reading this rn LOL but if anyone is reading this, lmk ;)

(edit: I HAD TO REPOST THIS CS IT WASNT SHOWING UP IN TAGS so sorry if you already liked this post)

warnings: 18+, incest, mentions of drugging, mentions of somnophilia, mentions of parental neglect, noncon/dubcon/rape, sakusa is a dirty pervert i just don’t know how else to tag this, degradation, slight manipulation

"(Y/N), this is your new big brother, Kiyoomi," your mother said, holding tightly onto your small shoulders as you stood in front of her.

"You can refer to him as your nii-san from now on." Locking eyes with you was an older boy with long black wavy hair, two moles on the right side of his forehead, and a white face mask on the lower half of his face which blocked his nose and mouth. How odd, you thought. You could tell he was disinterested with how his eyes were blank as he stared at you.

That was the first time meeting your step brother, Sakusa Kiyoomi.

Being four years younger than Sakusa, you two never really got along. Of course you had to respect each other, but there was nothing to really talk about other than when his volleyball games were or unfulfilling small talks. Sometimes he would make snide remarks, asking if you even showered when your hair was only slightly messy or if a smart word ever came out of your mouth when you stumbled over your words. Sometimes he was just mean to you in general to the point where you would cry. You always tried to ignore it, though. That was when you were younger. You couldn’t help that you weren’t that smart and he was your nii-san after all. Your parents would brush it off.

You celebrated his victories together, only because you had to. I mean, you were the younger sister of one of the nation's top three aces in high school volleyball. There was no way your parents wouldn't celebrate. He was their pride and joy.

Smart, athletic, incredibly attractive — everything you felt like you could never live up to.

Your own biological mom so obviously and painfully liked him more than you.

Before you even entered high school, Sakusa was old enough to move out and go to college where he continued to play volleyball. When he visited during the holidays, you still wouldn't have decent conversations with him. He would still insult you. It even made you cringe when you had to call him nii-san. Why address him as your older brother when he didn't even act like it?

But you dealt with it because you had to.

Fresh out of Itachiyama Academy, you're focused on studying for entrance exams for colleges in your area rather than what would happen if you ever had to see Sakusa again. But, you were expecting to see him very soon.

Gentle knocks are heard from outside your door and before you can respond, your mom is already opening it.

"(Y/N), Omi is coming today and he's gonna be here for a week. I have to go to the grocery store to buy food and I'm gonna run other errands so it's gonna take awhile," she says, leaning her head into your room. You respond multiple times with "okay" so she can leave your room sooner.

Textbooks and notebooks are strewn across your bed with you on your stomach, trying to cram as much information in your head as possible.

"That means I might not be here in time for when he comes, so you have to open the door and greet him," she adds.

"What about dad?" you ask with a grimace. The most you would do is say hello and scurry back into your room.

She rolls her eyes at you. "He's working late again. You know that, (Y/N)." With a sigh, you agree and she finally leaves your room after bidding you a "goodbye."

You can't remember the last time you saw Sakusa, but it was probably almost half a year ago. Ever since he left for college, your parents were even more distant towards you. They probably felt like they didn't need to worry about you because you weren't doing anything important.

When Sakusa came over, he barely acknowledged you and you were okay with that because it meant he wouldn't be bothering you.

But that didn't mean his blank stare wouldn't catch your attention whenever you came out of your room to eat or use the restroom. The atmosphere felt...very odd around him. You couldn't necessarily come up with a reason why.

Suddenly, you hear knocking on the front door. It had to be at least an hour or two since your mom left and the thought of who was waiting at the door made your stomach churn.

"Nii-san is here," you mutter to yourself as you got up to open the door. Right as you open the door, Sakusa was staring down at you with the same blankness in his eyes from before with his usual face mask. His hair was shorter than you remember.

Mindlessly, his eyes seem to scan your body before returning to your face, making you feel self-conscious. You were only wearing black spandex shorts and a loose tank top. Subconsciously, you rub your arm and step back to make space.

"(Y/N)," Sakusa acknowledges you in a deadpan voice. It's no surprise to you.

"Hi, onii-san. How are you?" You try so hard to be polite, but Sakusa seemed to have a naturally dominant energy that overwhelmed your senses, even if he also seemed to have the personality of a jar of mayonnaise. You step aside so he can come in. He wore gray sweatpants and a black windbreaker that was zipped up all the way. As soon as he makes it inside, he removes his face mask, stuffs it in his pocket, and starts unzipping his jacket.

"I'm good," he hums, "Where's mom?" He places the backpack he was carrying on the couch and takes a seat as you close the door.

"She's out doing errands and dad is working. Do you want some tea?"

"Yes, please. Make sure you wash your hands before you do. Thank you," he said. You walk into the kitchen, muttering "germaphobe" under your breath at his extra request. Unbeknownst to you, he watched you from his place on the couch as you walked around the kitchen, pulling the tea kettle out of one of the bottom cabinets and looking for cups. His gaze followed the outline of your ass in those tiny shorts that hugged your bottom tightly.

"What college are you planning on going to, (Y/N)?"

"I'm not sure yet, but I'm applying to the college you're going to and three others," you replied from your spot near the counter.

Sakusa actually perks up at your answer. "Oh, cool. You'll love it there if you get in. Only if, though. You're not the brightest."

You couldn't help but let your face fall in a frown at his seemingly small comment. Quickly, you compose yourself and brush off his remark. You got the water boiling in the tea kettle and reached high for the teacups that were sitting on the top cabinets. Your stepdad definitely put them up there.

A presence looms close behind you, which makes your whole body automatically freeze and tense up. A veiny, bulky arm reaches up easily to grab the teacups while another one snakes around you to pull your tank top down as it was exposing your stomach. You're not sure if you're imagining it, but you definitely feel something stiff brushing up against your back.

"You need to be careful. Don't wanna hurt yourself, do you?" Sakusa commented, leaning forward so his mouth was right next to your ear. A blush found its way onto your cheeks from feeling him so close to you.

He usually hated being so close to people. What was so different today?

"R-right," you stuttered, "Thank you, nii-san."

Confrontation wasn't a strong trait of yours.

You guess that moment was when it started getting really weird between you two. You still had small talks from whenever he would actually see you come out of your room, but you wanted to avoid him as much as you could. However, that was hard when Sakusa insisted that you drank tea together every night and, of course, your parents insisted, too.

Your nii-san wants to spend more time with you, they would say excitedly. Better late than never!

Maybe if he was showing the slightest bit of interest in you, your parents would finally care about you. So, with much hesitation, you started drinking tea with your step brother every night. Sakusa even made the tea himself so his poor little sister wouldn't tire herself out with carrying that heavy teapot.

You're still not sure if you're imagining things, but the tea tasted different from how you made it. And you swear that the tea didn't make you so sleepy after drinking it until he started making it.

"Come here," Sakusa would say with a smirk, "Onii-san will take you to bed."

You would pass out before you even made it to bed, but every morning you woke up with sticky thighs, only blaming it on sweating while you were sleeping.

Until one day, you didn't drink all the tea that he made you. You still fell asleep, though. Your brain was hazy enough to make you lose consciousness as he helped you up from your seat in the kitchen.

Sakusa laid next to you on your bed. You were placed on your side so he could slide under the sheets right behind you to press his hardened length against your ass. This was his favorite part of the night. He spent a few minutes playing with your cunt to make it slick enough for him to let his cock break through your walls.

You barely stirred awake. Didn't even move an inch as he caressed every part of your body, from your soft nipples to the sensitive nub between your thighs.

He pushed the elastic of his sweatpants down to his thighs quickly. His cock hit your ass before settling between your folds. A satisfied moan leaves his lips when he feels your wetness coating the top part of his shaft as he rubbed it against you. He hooked his arm around one of your legs so that you were spread open enough for him to fuck you and rub your clit at the same time with his other hand.

He wanted that sweet nectar completely coating his dick. He remembers the way you tasted and how you came on his tongue the night before, despite being blacked out from the little pills he would dissolve in your drinks. You tasted so clean and smelled so fresh. It was impossible for your nii-san to control himself around you.

And when did your ass look so good? God...Sakusa couldn't believe he never noticed how cute and well-shaped you were. You weren't that little girl he met when you were both kids. You were pushing adulthood now. Still pathetic looking, still too shy, still small around him, but fuck, he definitely would have pushed you over the counter the first day he came over and fucked you until you were crying and gagging.

He continued rubbing circles onto your clit and letting his cock soak up your juices. Gently, he positions the tip at your entrances and pushes in slowly.

"There you go," he whispers in your ear, "I know it's a little big. Don't worry."

He manages to fill you up all the way, making him groan. Your walls were tight around him. He thrusts in and out of you carefully, salvaging the feeling of your slick interior.

But you didn't drink all the tea, which means that you could wake up earlier than he expected.

Sakusa didn't expect you to wake up now.

You stirred slightly as you regained consciousness. Although your eyelids were heavy, you tried to force them open only to be met with darkness.

"Mmm," you croaked, rubbing your eyes. The odd feeling of being filled up suddenly made you wake up more. "W-what's going on?"

"Fuck," Sakusa muttered from behind you. You felt a hard chest pressed against your back and...a hand on your pussy. No, something inside your pussy. And that voice was so familiar.

You quickly whip your head around when the realization dawns on you. What the fuck is happening? While your eyes adjust to the dark room, you see two familiar eyes staring straight back at you. He stopped grinding his hips against you for a moment as if time stopped.

"...Nii-san?" you hesitated. His breathing was heavy and he stayed silent.

"Nii-san, what are you doing?" you asked in a panicked voice. You quickly tried to get up from your position, only to be held down by Sakusa’s muscular arms. His hand wrapped itself over your lips to prevent you from screaming.

“Be a good girl and stay quiet, (Y/N),” he whispered. A muffled scream tries to escape your lips. He continued to fuck you slowly, leaving a burning feeling in your walls. The same sore feeling that you would sometimes wake up to within the past few days.

For a moment, you pry his fingers off of your mouth. "I don't understand...Why are you...?" You yelped in surprise, horror, and pleasure as he delivered a sharp thrust from behind you. The smack of his hips against your bare ass made you cringe and feel so disgusted with yourself. Nii-san is actually inside me.

"My poor little sister," he chucked darkly. He suddenly wraps his arm around your knee tighter and forces your legs wide open, your knee almost touching your chest. Instead of putting his hand over your mouth to shut you up, he kneads your breast. His hands were so large.

"You think you can walk around the house looking like a little slut in those tiny shorts?" He stretches you open with his hard cock with slow, yet hard, thrusts. It left your mouth agape, but no sounds left your throat except for small squeaks that you couldn't hold back. "You stupid bitch. Just as dumb as I could remember. Fuck, you don't know how much I wanted to bend you over and fill you up with my cum like the stupid, desperate slut you are."

He was satisfied as you were barely fighting him. All you did was desperately search for something to hold onto and bite your lip because you were so scared. His words were painful. "Look at you. A waste of fucking space, only good as a fuck hole. Didn't even realize she was getting drugged and getting fucked every night because she's so fucking stupid."

Weak. That was all your brain was telling you, mocking you, as Sakusa didn't stop moving against you and insulting you. This wasn't the first time. It just so happened that this time you were able to wake up.

"I-I..." you stuttered, "I'll...I'll tell mom and dad." The sheets were gripped tightly between your fingers. "I'll tell them- mmmm...what nii-san has been doing to me..."

"If you tell mom and dad, they wouldn't even care," Sakusa said in a patronizing tone. The way his hand was caressing you made you wanna cry.

“They would!”

"Mom and dad don't even treat you like a daughter, (Y/N). When was the last time they told you they loved you?" Even if his question was rhetorical, your mind went completely blank. You can't recall a moment where they ever told you they loved you.

"B-but, this isn't right! You're not supposed to be doing this," you argued. It was a surprise that your mind wasn't completely clouded by how big his cock was and how his thrusts felt almost hateful.

"You think they would choose your side? You'd be ruining your own life. Maybe you'd ruin mine. And it'd be. All. Your. Fault." With each syllable, his movements became sharper. "You don't wanna betray your nii-san by saying something, do you?"

"You love your nii-san, right?"

You do. You love him so much, even if you tried to avoid him and he never said a single good thing to you in your whole damn life.

Because you have to love him.

You stopped gripping on the sheets to the point where your knuckles were turning ghostly white to brush away the tears rolling down your cheeks. Your body shook, from both crying because of Sakusa's painful words and how hard he was fucking you. The pleasure building up in your core was overwhelming you, making that intense feeling of having to pee forced out of you.

Hearing your sniffles and small cries, Sakusa pulls you even tighter against him, but doesn't stop his relentless thrusting. It turned him on even more. He pushes your hand to brush away your tears for you, like good big brothers should.

"It's okay, (Y/N). We both know mom and dad don't love you."

A loud cry erupted from your chest. Maybe if your parents cared about you, they'd be running to your room to save you the second you started crying. But, no. Sakusa was basking in the fact that you were hurting on the inside. After years of negligent silence, you were finally letting it all out.

"But nii-san loves you," he said with a smile.

Although his words seemed to stun your entire being, you manage to choke out a "What?" Like it was the first time someone ever told you that they love you.

His torturous thrusts almost distracted you. Fuck, why did it feel so good to have your step brother fucking you on your side like this?

"I love you." He sweetly grabs your face so you can turn your head to look at him. There was a pounding in your ears coming straight from your chest. A warm feeling spreads throughout your stomach.

"You...you love me, nii-san?"

"Of course I do." He was actually smiling at you, "If I didn't, would I be inside you right now?"

His face didn't seem so blank anymore. Sakusa never ever smiled at you. Hell, he never really smiled in general. Someone actually loved you. Holy shit. And he was even pounding away at your insides like you were a fuck doll.

Is that why he's so mean? Was he just trying to hide his feelings for you this whole time? You could die laughing right now. His cock felt so damn good rearranging your guts against your will yet you were struggling to accept it.

Your cheeks naturally puffed up in happiness as you smiled so brightly at him. The flip switched in your brain so easily. Without another word, Sakusa kissed you passionately, because he knew you would let him continue to ravage your body. Your hips began to buck from the pressure building up in your lower half and you starting pushing your hips towards him, welcoming his length inside you. It felt like you needed more of him. More of his love.

Love me.

"Nii-san," you gasped against his lips. His movements never faltered, which you figured was from his amazing athletic ability and stamina.

"Be a good little sister and cum on my cock," he coaxed. He could tell you were so close to cumming from how tightly your precious cunt was hugging his length and how you were squirming against him. You were both slick with sweat. As you started squirming more violently against him, Sakusa tightened his grip on you.

“I’m gonna cum,” you whined desperately, “Nii-san, I’m gonna cum!” You grabbed his arms and pushed your fingernails into his skin, making him hiss from the sudden pain. With a firm grip over your mouth, he muffles your screams. Satisfaction settled in your stomach as you exploded all over his cock. Your sweet juices trailed down your thighs onto the bedsheets.

As much as Sakusa wanted to, he couldn’t fill up your insides and see your hole dripping with his cum just yet. He quickly pulls out of you and lets his seed shoot onto the bare skin of your ass. The shock of your orgasm left your thighs trembling, your skin wet, and your eyes drooping.

“You’re the best little sister.”

You would’ve replied, but you could barely form any words as you lost consciousness again. When you woke up the next morning, you were fully dressed and cleaned up, with no stickiness between your thighs like how you used to wake up.

Sakusa actually cleaned you up this time. You felt your heart melt and butterflies fluttering in your stomach.

Everything seemed to go back to normal between you two, with the same small talks and not really seeing each other often, but he always had a knowing smirk on his face whenever he saw you.

Whenever his eyes would trail up your body to meet yours, you could feel a warmth in your stomach spread all throughout your body which forced you to look away quickly. Whenever he insulted you, you would feel your thighs press together. Whenever you caught yourself admiring his features when he replaced his face mask for a new one, you smiled softly to yourself.

When it was time for him to leave, you couldn’t help but let a few tears shed. He was all set to go, with his backpack on and his mask covering his face.

“Hey, don’t cry, (Y/N),” he cooed, wiping your tears away, “You know I won’t be gone forever.”

You sniffled, “I know. I just hate being here alone.” Well, not necessarily alone. You just hated being ignored and neglected just because you weren’t your brother.

“If you manage to get into my college, you can move in with me. How does that sound?” You instantly perk up and dry your tears with your shirt.

"Really?!” you asked with excitement. You imagine all the things you could do with your nii-san without your parents in the picture. You could go out together, hold hands, share kisses, just about anything. He could even fuck you whenever he wants.

These thoughts about your own step brother would've made you feel sick before.

But that was before you knew Sakusa loved you. Now, you couldn't help but ask your mom when the next time your nii-san would be coming to visit. While you were waiting for his next visit, you studied hard.

College would be so much fun with your nii-san with you!

Part 2

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aceofshitposts · 3 years

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Happy Valentines Day everyone!!! This wasnt actually what I initially planned and it technically... isn’t v-day themed but it DOES feature idiots in love so that’s good enough, right? No beta we die like robins okay hope you enjoy! (will probably throw this up on ao3 tomorrow too)

ALSO a reminder that you can totally send me prompts for little drabbles/ficlets!! a sentence or dialogue or just an au you think might be cool (i adore aus) or if you just wanna say hi!

Jason's not stupid. It's just that. Things can sneak up on you sometimes, okay? They all have that habit of getting lost in the details or not looking for what isn’t expected. And boy, is this not expected.

"Please," Tim is imploring in the same tone a child asks their parent for a candy bar at the grocery store checkout, "Bruce isn't even going to be there so you don't have to worry about him."

That's. Really not the problem. The problem is Jason has no idea why Tim is asking him, of all people. Not that he doesn't like hanging out with Tim, as a matter of fact he probably likes it too much. Seeking Tim out had become a bad habit, if he’s honest, that has escalated from working on cases together to eating meals after patrol and even occasionally meeting up during the day to whisk Tim away from the office for a proper lunch.

They're friends, right? But that doesn't explain why Tim is inviting him to an important social gathering and not, say, one of the Titans if he needs a second that badly. Hell, Dick or Stephanie are better choices than Jason is. Asking Jason is. Is. It’s-

It feels a little like Tim’s asking him on a date. Which is absurd for all kinds of reasons, least of which is that Tim doesn’t like Jason like that.

"Why are you asking me?"

Jason winces. That sounded harsh even to him and the way Tim’s expression goes from distinctly hurt to completely closed off has Jason cringing even more.

“Okay,” Tim says, turning towards the open window.

“Okay?” Jason repeats, already forgetting that Tim hasn’t answered his question.

“Mhmm, don’t worry about it,” he says in a tone that suggests Jason should absolutely worry about it.

With that Tim slips out the window and into the early Gotham morning, leaving Jason with an extra breakfast burrito that they’d never even got around to eating before Tim had… whatever the hell that had been. Jason stares at the open window for a moment more, the wind blowing a napkin into his face, and decides he’ll deal with it after sleeping.

“What the hell did you do??”

If the sound of Jason’s bedroom door violently hitting the wall didn’t wake Jason up then Stephanie’s indigent yelling would have done the job just fine.

“What the hell do you want?” Jason asks, then shoves a pillow over his head in the vain hopes she will go away.

“Get up!”

The covers are pulled from his body which wouldn’t be so bad if this didn’t also give Stephanie better access to punch him squarely in the stomach. Jason snarls, leaping out of bed to tackle Stephanie to the floor. They grapple around on the floor for a while, Stephanie succeeding in nailing Jason in the throat with an elbow and pinning him to the floor.

“What,” she says pointedly, “did you do to Tim??”

Jason wheezes, only half due to the pressure still on his throat. Stephanie stares down at him furiously.

“I have no idea what you mean,” Jason says hoarsely.

Stephanie’s eyes narrow.

“Well, you better figure it out because he showed up at my apartment and has spent the entire morning moping under my blankets and obsessively redesigning Redbird on his tablet.”

Stephanie gets up in one smooth motion then offers a hand to help pull Jason up from the floor. Jason rubs at his sore throat giving Stephanie an incredulous look.

“I dunno what his problem is; he asked me to some fancy dinner and I just asked why he wasn’t asking you or whatever-”

“You what?”

“What! What did I do?”

“What did you do??” Stephanie shrieks in lieu of answering the question. “You have to be joking.”

When Jason just stares at her for a good minute Stephanie’s expression breaks and she starts laughing.

“Oh my god, please tell me you got dosed with something from Ivy or took a blow to the head recently,” she wheezes through her laughter. “Oh, noo, this is too stupid.”

“If you’ve figured out whatever is going on, could you clue me in?” Jason implores which only makes Stephanie laugh harder.

“Nope!” she says, popping the P, “this is too fucking funny. You’re on your own, bro.”

Before Stephanie leaves she makes sure to steal some of Jason’s leftovers and laugh at him some more, giving a two fingered salute as she leaves through the same window Tim had earlier that morning.

Over the course of the day Jason tries to busy himself cleaning his weapons and kitchen but he just end up stewing in the echoes of Stephanie’s laughter. He’s slumped on the couch rereading the same paragraph of a random paperback he’d grabbed when around four in the afternoon he receives a text from Cass that’s just a smiley face. It’s the only warning he gets before Tim comes stumbling through his window, laptop tucked under his arm.

“Okay, so, I’m still mad at you,” Tim starts, which is great, “but I want you to watch this.”

He sets his laptop down on Jason’s coffee table and maybe Jason can finally find out what this is all about.

On Tim’s laptop screen he opens what looks like a power-point presentation, and isn’t that just incredibly Tim, with the title: “Reasons We Make A Good Couple and Shouldn’t Break Up”.

Wait-

Back up.

“Break up??” Jason asks incredulously.

Tim’s head whips around to look at Jason, the slide on the screen changing to a picture of the two of them in uniform at the local 24 hour diner, probably taken by the waitress and posted on some social media platform, Tim reaching across the table to snag a piece of Jason’s bacon. It’s got several heart emojis all over it.

“You- yes? Isn’t that?” Tim sputters suddenly turning a bright shade of red.

“To break up don’t we have to date first?” Jason asks in a rush before his brain has really caught up with the situation.

Tim gets impossibly more red, muttering, “oh my fucking god,” while slamming the laptop shut. He runs a hand through his hair, looking as nervous and off kilter as Jason currently feels.

“I’m. I’m so sorry, Jay, I thought-” Tim starts rambling, words flowing together into an incoherent string while Jason’s brain tries desperately to parse what’s happening.

Like a lightbulb finally turning on in the middle of the night, Jason understands.

“Tim. Are we dating?”

Tim stops, jaw audibly snapping shut. He looks at Jason for all of two seconds before his gaze darts away miserably, looking at the floor.

“Yes?” he ventures, sounding unsure. “I just. I assumed you wanted to take it slow.”

Jason can’t help the bark of laughter that escapes his throat.

“Do I look like I do anything slow, Babybird?”

Tim growls in frustration, throwing his hands in the air and then pointing an accusing finger at Jason.

“We go out all the time! I hang out in your apartment! But whenever I’d try to initiate something more, you’d back off! I was trying to be considerate!”

Oh holy shit. Stephanie is right, this is stupid. Jason had thought he’d been projecting his own desires onto Tim, that there was no way Tim would want to be close to him like that. Even after all this time, Tim still finds ways to surprise Jason.

“Well, this explains why Stephanie punched and then started laughing at me this morning,” Jason laughs while draping an arm over his eyes. They really were Batman’s kids if their complete inability to communicate like normal people was anything to go by.

“God, Jason, I am so sorry,” Tim says, dropping down beside Jason on the couch with an oof. “I never should have assumed anything.”

“Hey, Babybird?” Jason shuffles over so he can throw his arm over Tim’s shoulders.

Tim startles, looking at Jason with wide blue eyes.

“Shut up and let me kiss you.”

Yeah, okay, maybe sometimes Jason is stupid. But he can at least find solace in the knowledge that sometimes Tim is also. Besides that, Jason tells himself, what really matters is that they got their shit together in the end. Even if that realization is undoubtedly going to come with a large amount of their family all pointing and laughing at them for being idiots.

“So,” Tim ventures after they’ve spent half an hour making out on Jason’s couch, “does this mean you’ll come with me to the dinner?”

Jason muffles a laugh against Tim’s collarbone and says, “yeah, sure I’ll come.”

“Okay, cool, cool. We’ve got to be there in an hour then.”

#jaytim #jaytim fanfiction #timjay #jason todd #tim drake #astrix writes #they're both stupid but they're my stupid boys #once again featuring some mild pining from Jason #i meant to post this like hours ago but i kept getting distracted by like everything #hope everyone had a cool valentines day regardless of relationship status #im gonna watch shrek the musical with my best friend now

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punk-rock-uncle · 3 years

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A final good bye and final log out

This is not a suicide not so no need to worry. Many of you that follow me probably barely remember my blog, it wasnt very big or fancy. I barely know how to code or make my blog look like anything but, that is neither here nor now. I wanted to say good bye I have a bad habit of leaving without saying anything and disappearing for weeks at a time. I guess abusive relationships will teach you that. I went silent on this blog around 3 years ago when I started college. But I wanted to talk about why I started this, the ending will be saved most obviously till the end. I started this blog in a way to find friends, in 2012 internet friends were all the rage and I wanted to be a part of that so I started a tumblr. But was not active on it till 2014. In high school I grew a bit of a following around sophomore year 2015. I would constantly rant on this account and people would watch but not say much. It bothered me a bit that I was never “Tumblr Famous” but I knew people who were, so I would live on through them. Tumblr a lot in high school, I was too afraid to do anything but I knew in the back of my mind that I would get there in my own time. Tumblr, in that sense was kind to me and never made me feel like I had to be pressured to do anything and would constantly educate me from maters of social justice and the Black Lives Matter movement, sex education, gender expression, sexuality, art and astrology. I saw all the drama and surprisingly enough stayed away from the super toxic side of tumblr pushing minors to do more and more and more. It was safety net and whenever my parents would do what they do best I always had the arms of my blog to run and cry to. It made the darkest days a little brighter, people reblogging free movie sites and calming gifs were my saving grace when I was 14 and suicidal. As high school went on I found myself in a relationship and put all my time, money, effort, energy, my whole being into this one person who would end raping me an using my past against me. I was still active and would talk about him on here including our fights. But as the fights got more violent and heated, the less I would post about him and one day all together I stopped posting on here, for what I thought was for good. I wanted to reach out on tumblr and ask “is any of this normal?” “why do we fight so much?” “is it normal for your partner to make you feel this afraid?” “is it normal for them to talk about sex 24/7″ “is it normal to feel afraid and cry during sex?” I wanted to reach out so badly. I knew I couldn’t and it was a stupid reason why I couldn’t. I was afraid of the judgment, because no one here talks about the small intricacies of domestic violence and how it breaks down every part of you. So I went quiet, I stopped talking about him, stopped posting him and he never care. I was put on meds after he raped me, stopped sleeping and eating. After the meds failed to stop the development of PTSD I started smoking and drinking heavily. After all of that I stopped being on tumblr because things were not the same and stuff that made me happy before just stopped bringing me joy. I thought no one here would care about what I have to say and his words and actions confirmed that even more. Eventually I broke it off 8 months later and my friends never believed me that he was abusing me. Life is better now, I lived abroad, I have an apartment with a new boyfriend, hes nice we have our ups and downs but we came from a hard life so someone loving you is a hard thought to accept for both of us. We both have toxic cycles we need to break but he’s good and he’s teaching me to be kind. I would love to continue on this hellsite but I have other things now, bigger and better things. I am just simply a ghost now of a website where I used to poor out all of my traumas and for one last time I will do that. For any 16 year old who stumbles across this post please read through till the end (if you can) because I want to tell you things I wish someone told me at 16/ entered my first relationship.

Your bf, gf and/or partner should never do/say these things and other small warning signs of DV

1. if sex hurts a lot for you it is because you are not comfortable, communicate this and if they refuse to understand why leave

2. If your partner scares you so much to the point where you have a panic attack thinking about them, then leave

3. you will fall out of love in your first relationship, as shitty as it is, it’ll happen. It’s okay, you can leave. Just like you out grow clothes you will outgrow people.

4. let people leave, I know this is hard to accept but people will leave and the universe will have something in store for you

5. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE HAVING SEX AT 16 IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO I LOST MY VIRGINITY AT 19 IT IS NORMAL!

6. it is normal for you and your partner to have conversations about what to say when people constantly ask you if yall have done the deed it is not normal for your partner to tell you to lie and say you have (when you havent); leave if they do this trust me

7.If your partner is asking about sex 24/7 and its making you uncomfortable then say something, maybe they don’t mean any harm by it! but if once you’re done with the convo and it didn’t make you feel better you should leave

8. its okay to leave 1st relationships aren’t meant to last

9.something my mom said that made me feel better: just because you’re breaking up now doesn’t mean you’re breaking up forever

10. please don’t force yourself to have sex it’s a very toxic cycle. Easy to get into but hard to break out of

11. you can be alone, you don’t have to date all the time

12. if your partner's parent is bullying you tell your partner that it makes you uncomfortable talk to them about it. Now I understand parents are hard especially when your 16 and younger (hell parents @ 21 are still tough to deal with) and if your partner says “well I can’t tell them off because of xyz” then make a compromise on how to deal with the situation. If your 1st partner’s parents don’t like you it’s not the end of the world and if bugs you that much YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE

13. on the other hand if you tell your partner, they don’t take it seriously and they still beg you to visit their family then leave, you’re not married you’re young I will probably say this a thousand more times BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE

14. YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE, YES IT WILL SUCK, YES YOU’LL CRY AT EVERYTHING BUT IT IS OKAY NOTHING IS PERMANENT AND THAT IS A GOOD THING

15. do not waste your first relationship on couples counseling ( yes I did that and he still owes me $250 for the session I was dumb & 17 don’t get mad @ me)

16. if your relationship makes you extremely angry leave, that anger means something, listen to it.

17. if you are like me and was raised in a very abusive household with parents that constantly abuse you just know that not every relationship is like that and you won’t be like them but, you have to actively work on it not just say it out loud (BUT it does help saying it out loud, v comforting)

18. if you break up, stay broken up (sometimes it works out for the better if they really want you they’ll try)

19. NEVER LET YOUR PARTNER’S MOM DICTATE WHERE YOU GO TO COLLEGE TRUST ME YOU WILL REGRET IT

20. if you are begging for the basics leave

21. if they ignore your food allergy leave

22. if they’re a mama’s boy please leave

23. if they ignore your fears leave

24. if they think violence is casual and necessary for relationships leave

25. listen to their ex’s even if you take it with a grain of salt please listen

26. if you need to come up with an escape plan you’re in a toxic and possibly abusive relationship

27. it’s okay if you don’t have the courage to leave right now but know, you can’t stay forever

28. if they use past trauma against you, leave.

also a word of advice for friends who know people who have been in DV situations

1. if we trauma dump just know we are sorry but please stop us and talk through it later (if you can)

2. don’t ask why they didn’t leave sooner it’s not your buisness

3. we don’t know we are being abused, if you know but we don’t please be patient. The mind is a tricky thing.

4. DO NOT SAY “how did you not know” “you’re stupid for not knowing” “you’re making it up” “told you so” or anything else condescending, we feel stupid and we just want support

well that’s all I have folks! Thank you tumblr for all the laughs and all the cringe. I hope this post is insightful and please feel free to add on.

love <3

Punk-Rock-Uncle :)

#tw: mental health #cw: suicide #drugs cw #cw: drugs #tw: rape #cw: abusive relationships #cw: abuse #personal

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anotherbeingsworld · 4 years

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Nepenthe (Lennox X Bryce)

Pairing: Bryce x F!MC (Lennox Hirata - owned by @arcticlumineer )

Inspo: Stars by Alessia Cara.

Summary: A small getaway after the previous events, a small conversation under the night sky.

A/N: I was planning to post something and here it is, something I manage to write during this whirlwind. Life is a hard road, but... I am not giving up yet. I have felt like that before, and I know.. it’s been 2 days I couldn’t let myself go, tumblr felt like one place I could be myself with somehow? ; and I am very excited for this fic. One of my favourites to write actually. This fic was dedicated mostly to my Mario( @arcticlumineer ) and Lennox is her MC. Somehow, a continuation to her fic ‘Binary Stars’ that all of you should check it out too! She has been fighting and, she will keep on fighting. You deserve everything Alaska and so much more, and I hope you loved this as much as I loved writing it. - Your Luigi. 💙

Thank you @mvalentine for assuring me that it is not a crappy one! I love you, and to all that reached out in the comments and messages, I appreciate all of you so so much! Thank you 💖💖💖 I will try to get some time on my own in a way, and maybe there is hope after all. I hope all of you enjoy it! It wasnt my best, but... it came from the heart and I hope you all love it. I will be back with more Bryce and Casey very soon! <3

Tags: @bitchloveskcbaseball , @storyofmychoices @jaxsmutsuo , @mvalentine , @princess-geek , @lahellacute , @kacie-0156-deactivated20200905 , @this-person-is-busy , @annekebbphotography , @brycelahel, @mrsbhandari , @dcbbw , @choicessa , @choices-confessions , @aylamwrites , @fantasyoverreality98 , @drakewalker04 , @baltersome , @ofpixelsandscribbles , @thundergom @starrystarrytrouble, @ohramsey , @kelseaaa , @rookie-ramsey , @bratzlahela , @ohvamsey , @choicesficwriterscreations , @soft-for-drake , @lalizah , @drethanramslay , @arcticlumineer , @choicesstan1 , @aveeiro

Nepenthe (noun) - Something that makes you forget pain and suffering.

Knock on my door, boy come home

You stay in my head

Lay in my arms, why won't you?

It's been way too long, what you waiting on?

It was a long drive, as they finally reached the Grand Canyon, one of the wonders of the states. Bryce never agreed on a 3-day trip of driving from Boston to the infamous canyon. After a long 40 hours of driving, and stopping. Bryce and Lennox has arrived at the spot, where it was almost sundown.

Lennox was the one who suggested upon the idea, as she wanted a new experience including taking a long trip to Arizona, after the tragedy strikes. They were given a leave as, Bryce took a few measures along with infamous pick-up lines to convince Harper on taking a leave. It worked, and here they are.

‘We are here!’ A surprisingly enthusiastic Lennox get out of the car, as she took a breath of the fresh air. It smells very weird, but it’s definitely not Edenbrook. She loved Edenbrook, but she felt a new environment was needed. A new space for her to breath, as the sun was about to set in an hour.

‘Let’s get ourselves cozy, Hirata here take the food.’ An exhausted Bryce was heard, as Lennox marched into the back of the car taking the basket of food for the night. They didn’t packed much, except a few unhealthy ones, and some take-out from their journey which is enough to survive the night.

Bryce took care of the rest, as they hike their way up the canyon. It wasn’t the prettiest view at the time being, but he felt happy to take her out here. Away from the commotion of their work life, where it was only them against the real world. Including Keiki too.

After a long hour of hiking, they finally reached one of the many tops of the canyon. It was a perfect view of the whole lot, as Lennox placed the food, as Bryce gets the stuff ready. He lays out a large blanket, and Lennox sat on top of it as soon as she could. A small price of enthusiasm as he lets out a small chuckle, taking a seat next to her. It was quiet, as they were the only beings that were known there.

The sun has already set, as they ate their subway take-outs. It wasn’t the best after a long drive, but their tummies are full and that’s what matters. After a session of eating, Lennox found herself staring at the night sky. It was dark, as the source of light was from their phones and a couple of emergencies flashlight but, the moon above them were doing the work.

Bryce felt himself staring at her, a small gesture that he would do everytime. He adored her, from the very first time he saw her. She was strong, kind, empathetic despite the sass she owns. Lennox Hirata was her own woman, and Bryce found himself falling for her, despite their feelings haven’t returned. At least, not yet.

He realizes his feelings towards her, after the funeral. The fear of losing her, was seen within him as he lets his walls down for her. Something he had tried so hard on doing, a small sacrifice for the chance to reduce the pain little-by-little. Somehow, Lennox felt like his weakness, the fear of never seeing her again lingers in his mind, a broken record that was played over and over again.

The flashback from before, replayed once more as he remembered witnessing Lennox, in a weak state. She wasn’t the cheerful person he knows, as the light in her eyes had disappeared since that day. Followed by losing two of the closest people in her life in front of her eyes, an event that one will never forget.

‘…Earth to Bryce...’ Her voice was heard, looking worried at his state.

Bryce shook his head, as an attempt to bring his consciousness back into reality. A smile was plastered on his face, as the tears started to fall a bit.

‘What’s wrong?’ She never understand why, but every time she witness of Bryce being vulnerable. She felt her heart break a little, somehow seeing one of the most confident people in her life, willing to share this part of his life with her, a misfit in disguise? Lennox Hirata.

‘..That moment, its playing in my mind Len. I know you told me, you are okay. Look, you are. But-‘ He found himself pause.

‘I kept on imagining the worst, there were moments where I woke up thinking that you are not here anymore. You were taken away from me, and…it terrifies me.’ He took a deep breath, as he lets the truth out, something he had been experienced lately, as he found himself imagining the worst whilst encouragement from Keiki.

‘C’mon, its in the past Bryce…it’s okay’ Lennox tried to brushed the topic of, a saddened look on her face.

‘No, you could’ve died. It’s serious.’ He replies with a hint of hurt in his voice.

‘But, I am here now. I am here with you, and I’m not going anywhere alright?’ She closed the gap between them, and pulled him into a hug. She didn’t realize, she felt her tears were falling too. She remembered that night all too well, she almost died. The night where she knew her life had changed one way or another. Witnessing Bobby’s and Danny’s death, was a hard pill to swallow.

After the hug, they pulled away. She was never the one to show affection, but she always loved the little things. She was never a fan of public display of affection, but holding each other’s hands, cheek kisses, hugs, and many more were her way of affection. A small squeeze of a hand, the common gesture for them both.

She took his hand in hers, as his big ones covering her tiny one. They weren’t a perfect fit, but it felt right. Giving it a small squeeze, as crying wasn’t apart of the plan.

Silent tears was heard, as they both lie down on the blanket, somehow their faces were facing each other.

He never looked more beautiful.

She looks like an angel from above.

He brushed the hair was covering her eyes, as they continue to stare upon the night sky. The world was sleeping, as the surroundings was empty. It was them, and them only. The moon shines brightly above them, as the twinkling light of the stars were seen. A small callback to their planetarium date, the moment where she was discovering the feeling that was hovering in her mind on a certain figure named Bryce Lahela.

‘I fought and I survive, but… why do I feel like life is more than that?’

She glances his way, hoping for an answer. Both of them were silence, as neither know the answer.

‘..I remember the day I left Hawaii, left everything behind.. I feel like, I was helpless and I couldn’t survive on my own. It felt a long road, and…after all those obstacles… I am here where I was meant to be. Life is definitely more than surviving, its the feeling of not giving up and keep going despite how many bumps life give you one way or another.’

Bryce replies as both of them continue on gazing the stars, it was shining brightly. It felt like, she was somewhere far far away from the real world upon stepping into space.

‘If it is meant to be? How do you know this isn’t a fatal coincidence?’

‘You do have a lot of questions don’t you Len?’ He smiles, finally after all the crying they have done.

‘Hey, I am a curious human being. It’s my nature after all.’ She winks, as her eyes gazed over the galaxy above them.

‘Well, curious human being. I am at your service, hit me with your best shot.’

She raised an eyebrow, earning a questionable look from him.

‘What?’

‘The question earlier dummy.’ Lennox lets out a laugh, as their laughter fills the void surrounding them.

‘Ahhh… where do I begin..’ He mimicking the scary professors from those crappy haunted movies, that made her cringe so bad.

‘Just cut to chase Lahela.’ Lennox demanded with a hint of laughter in her voice, earning herself a sensual wink from him.

‘Ok, okay. Hold your horses Hirata! I don’t feel like I have been paying attention much to how life works, but…I believe that everything has been written in the stars. Every step of this ride, have been written down in the stars and its our chance to see it unfold when the time has come..’

Lennox felt herself humming to a song that has been in her mind for the past week, Stars by Alessia Cara.

Piercing lights in the dark make the galaxy ours

Kingdom right where we are

Shining bright as a morning, you'll never be lonely

Just promise you'll love me, I'm never too far

And we'll never part

And we could be stars

Bryce was somehow stunned? As, her voice flowed through the night. She felt herself flushed, as she punched him lightly on the shoulder. A small act that ended up with laughter.

‘Tonight, it felt like the stars are looking down on us. Just, shining our lives in a way a light would do. It feels lonely out here on our own, but… looking above, the stars felt like a companion to us. I.. have always loved the stars. There was a moment… years ago, I was alone in my room. It was night time, and I was lucky enough to have a view on my bedroom window. It was spectacular, as the stars felt like something out of the painting, and I dreamed of touching it with my bare hands.’ She explained, with a smile on her face with her hands forward as an attempt to capture the stars which is impossible but, she didn’t care. It felt like she was a child once more, living this world with a huge dream ahead.

‘That sounds …amazing.’ His eyes linger on her for a while, somehow a small smile was formed of from adoration. I love her, he thought silently as his eyes soften at the sound of giggles coming out from her.

They continue on their small adventure, until it was dawn. An hour before, after exchanging stories, including those that made her laugh till her tummy hurts.

‘You know, we have known each other for two years now.’ She stated.

‘Yeah?’

Lennox nodded, somehow in disbelief at how far they have come from becoming strangers to falling in love silently with him which she didn’t feel like admitting too yet.

‘It somehow felt like a lifetime ago…’

She said quietly, as Bryce nods in agreement taking her hand in his.

‘Yeah, but… we still have a whole life ahead of us right?’

He looked at her, with a hint of hope in his eyes. A new path was suddenly carved, a whole lot of adventures that will followed them. Lennox Hirata’s adventures at Edenbrook started a lifetime ago, as she fought for life, death, friendships, and even love. There were still pages in her book waiting to be written, as she said yes to a whole life ahead, a life where she will keep on fighting to be the person who she was meant to be with the present of those who she loved and cared deeply.

THE END.

A/N: Hi, dropping by again. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, and know that.. hope is always there. I realized it and, I hope it’s always gonna be there. And, @arcticlumineer you are gonna fight this. I believe in you. <3

#choices fic writers creations #playchoices #open heart #bryce x mc #bryce lahela #lennox hirata #alaska #arcticlumineer #anotherbeingsworldwrites #fics #<3 #my mario <3 #forever.

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logicallyidiotic · 4 years

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Just a little story I was inspired to write by one of @atomiktaco posts! Had fun with this and I hope you enjoy! Here is the post that inspired it!

Remus walked into his apartment after work, exhausted but excited. He was planning on going to explore an old abandoned mall on the south side of town. He had been there a few times before, but he still had a floor to explore. He wanted to take Virgil with him so the poor ghost wasn't left alone longer than he had been and so Remus had someone else with him.

Once he made it to his room, where he had left the jacket, he saw Virgil appear on the bed, where he seemed to be sleeping. Remus grabbed a change of clothes and went into the bathroom to change. After he came back out, he put Virgil's hoodie on, causing the ghost to wake.

"Finally, you're home. I thought you were supposed to come back for lunch?" Virgil grumbled, stretching his arms. Remus rolled his eyes as he walked out of the room and to the kitchen, with his ghost friend floating behind him.

"That was the plan but the store ended up swamped. Barely had time to eat." Remus explained, pulling out a microwave meal. The two spoke for a few minutes about their days as Remus made his food and quickly ate. The excitement was starting to set in, not going unnoticed by Virgil.

"Alright, what's got you all giddy? You're brother finally give you a call?" Virgil asked, brow raised. At the mention of his brother, Remus groaned in annoyance. He did not want to talk about him right now.

"For your information, Roman and I had lunch last week. I'm 'giddy' because we're going to explore an abandoned mall once I'm done eating." Remus growled. He loved his ghost buddy, but if he mentions his brother again Remus might just have to leave the ghost at home for a week.

At the mention of an abandoned mall, Virgil's interest was peaked. The two hadn't been able to go explore much due to Remus having to work double shifts at work. The store waa currently low on employees and Remus owed the owner. To say Virgil was excited would be an understatement.

"Really? What mall?" He asked, a small smile appearing on his pale face. He didnt want to seem as happy as he was, but there was no hiding all of it. Remus noticed the ghost's excitement though, having gotten pretty good at figuring out how the ghost was feeling. Leaning back in his chair with his arms holding the table, he said "Pearsons, the one by the museum on the south side."

Virgil knew that mall. He had been a few times while he was alive, but he only spent a decent amount of time there once. He had gotten the supplies for his jacket there. "How long has it been closed?" Virgil asked.

Remus shrugged, not really knowing exactly. "Maybe, at most 15 years? I dont think it's been that long though." It certainly wasnt the oldest abandoned place he's been to but it was still fun to explore and skate around in.

Remus stood from his chair, stretching his back, satisfied when he heard the quiet pops from his joints. Virgil cringed at the sound, but said nothing about it. As Remus went to put his shoes on and grab his skateboard, the ghost floated through the wall into the bedroom and turned the light off. Remus had a tendency to forget about the lights.

"Virge, come on! I wanna show you around the place!" Remus called from the door. With the rill of his eyes, Virgil quickly floated to the door, accompanying the excited male.

Within twenty minutes the two were at Pearsons mall, Remus going through one of the broken windows on the ground floor. There werent many people who patrolled the area, but they still needed to be careful and not overly loud.

"So there's the main entrance," remus said, pointing at the bearded up doors "and the stairs up are right there, which we will be going up to the third floor" he finished, pointing at a far wall to their left. With a hum of acknowledgement from Virgil, remus started jogging to the stairs, making sure Virgil wasnt being pulled too much by the jacket, seeing as he's connected to it. Once at the stairs, Remus was quick to sprint up them, arriving on the third floor in just a few minutes.

"This is the only floor I have yet to explore. And I know for a fact that somewhere up here is a ramp that goes to wach level, I saw it last time. Now let's explore!" Remus exclaimed, throwing his skateboard down and starting to skate towards the different rundown shops. Virgil chuckled and did his best to keep up with Remus, feeling the tug from his jacket occassionally. He did have to float through walls to catch up sometimes, but what's the problem with a few shortcuts?

After maybe ten minutes of exploring, Remus suddenly stopped, causing Virgil to zoom past him, only to be tugged all the way back, falling through the floor. The ghost groaned as he came back up, growling "Why the hell did you stop? And without warning me!"

Remus didnt answer, looking into a certain store. Virgil moved his gaze to where Remus was looking, only to freeze completely. Laying inside the store was a large number of stray dogs, and they did not look pleased with the presence of the two people. Whether the dogs could sense Virgil or not, they definitely didnt want Remus there.

"Remus, I think it's time for you to go. These pups don't look happy." Virgil whispered, despite knowing the dogs couldn't hear him. Remus nodded, slowly stepping back as the dogs stood, growling at him. With slowly and careful movements, Remus prepared to skate again, placing a foot on the ground and the other on the board. He saw the dogs ears perk up with any sound he made, quiet or not. He took a breathe and pushed off the ground, propelling himself and the board down the hall.

With the sound and quick movement of what Remus had done, the dogs took off running after him. Virgil floated after Remus, anxiety settling deep in his stomach. He looked ahead of Remus and cut through walls, looking for something to move that may help. Suddenly, he spotted a stack of boxes that he might be able to knock over. He turned towards the direction Remus was coming from and yelled "This way! Hurry up!"

Remus followed Virgil's instructions, zooming past him. Just after Remus passed, Virgil managed to knock the boxes over, though it used a lot of his energy. The dogs either ended up under the boxes as the crashed down on the, or ran into other dogs, causing a crash. Despite the dogs being stopped temporarily, Remus kept going. He caught sight of the ramp he'd been looking for and turned towards it, slowling down slightly so he didnt crash at the bottom.

Virgil was with him in seconds, yelling "get your ass down that ramp! That wont stop them long!" And with that, Remus was flying down the ramp. It wasnt steep, but it certainly wasnt gentle either. Remus' hair flew out of his face as Virgil's jacket flapped behind him. Even with the dogs chasing him, Remus smiled the entire way down. Virgil was close behind him, enjoying seeing his friend happy, but also still extremely worried for his friend.

They made it to the bottom floor in no time, still able to hear the dogs. Remus looked back and saw them at the top of the ramp and fearfully kicked off the ground again. He jumped through the window just as the dogs made it down the ramp, running a bit away, looking behind him for the dogs and Virgil every few seconds.

They stopped at a park a few blocks away, Remus panting and Virgil still looking around in fear. On all the little adventures they've had in these 6 months they'd known each other, they hadn't been chased by dogs. Chased by other things, yes. But not dogs.

"You owe me for the anxiety you just gave me." Virgil said, looking down at his panting friend. Remus only glared in response, earning a chuckle from Virgil. Once he regained his breath, Remus grumbled "I dont owe you shit. But if it'll keep you from teasing me about running like a coward then I will let you pick what's on TV tomorrow."

That made Virgil's face light up, but he quickly tried to cover it up. "Really? I, uh, mean cool. I'm cool with that" he said. Remus shook his head at his friends antics, grabbing his skateboard and starting to walk away.

"Let's get home ghost boy."

#remus sanders #ts remus #virgil sanders #ts virgil #fanfic #ghost virgil #sanders sides au #sanders sides fic

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karmade · 5 years

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okay... i didnt like far from home.

well, spiderman far from home spoilers ahead.

i honestly never expected that I’ll type up something like that after spider man movie... after homecoming, that comforted my tortured by civil war soul in best way possible, i hoped that far from home will help me, and peter, to cope with endgame.

well, it made me feel worse.

Starting with: NICK FURY. I always had up and down relationship with him, but after Captain Marvel I was really cool with him. Yet in FFH, he hit the bottom way too fast: Fury demands Spider Man to help take down creatures that supposedly destroyed the earth of other dimension: water and fire element creatures. Spider Man, who’s abilities include super strenght, agility, stickiness and webs... is simply just not fit to help with this kind of villians. What exactly Dr Strange is doing, when other dimentions are actually his shtick? Where’s Wanda? What about Hulk, Wakandian soldiers (and tech), hey, where’s Rhodey? There was fucking battalion of superheroes at the end of Endgame, but this supposed apocalyptic villian is only fit to fight by 16 years old teenager? Okay.... Well, I get it that it’s a plot point, that there will be no Spider man movie if this plot point didnt exist, but they could have at least designed a villian more fit to make Spider Man’s abilities essential. ANYWAY: Fury decides on this 16 years old and uses tranquliser on his 16 years old friend (which was not creepy and unnecessary at aaaaaall). But then Peter says no (we’ll get to that later) and Fury? Fucking tries to guiltrip him by using Tony. I am so completely livid about it, Fury saying some shit about ‘oh I guess Stark was wrong about you’ TO A KID TONY LOVED, OBVIOUSLY HAD A HIGHEST REAGARD FOR AND NEVER DOUBTED AND WOULD HAVE NEVER FUCKING ASKED SOMETHING LIKE THAT FROM IN THE FIRST PLACE, FUCK YOU. Fury using Tony to make this KID feel bad about himself, reminding Peter about death of his friend and mentor and, yeah, possibly father figure, basically by implying that apparently Tony would have been dissapointed... that shit was low. The fuck. But Peter still says no, so Nick Fury goes and steers a WHOLE BUS OF TEENAGERS TO EPICENTRE OF DANGER. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING MEEEE. If I’ll hear one more WORD about tony kidnapping peter to berlin after this, I’m going to fucking explode.

EDITH: the first ever Tony Stark’s AI that had no emotions. I used to think that it was Friday operating Tony’s glasses, watch and everything, but it’s beside the point: unlike her brothers and sisters, Edith shows no hints of having her own mind, she’s a THING that can be simply transferred to the wrong guy and dont mind it. JARVIS was able to tell that Ultron was hostile, AND when he was hurt and disentegrated he STILL had a mind to protect nuclear codes without being ordered to. Yet Edith is fine with destroying cities, harming people and killing Spider Man. I guess it’s a small point to be peeved with, since she’s artifical, but it sure would have been nice if Edith (created by Tony who LOVED to be prepared for everything) had protocols to prevent her from being used against civilians (AT LEAST be familiar with Spider Man and Peter Parker to NOT shoot him on command) and they would have had to hack her to remove it. But oh well.

What REALLY hurt me about Edith tho, was how easily Peter let the glasses go. It was unexpected and sad and I’d say rather poorely executed. Again, giving up the glasses was a plot point, but the scene itself, it was done in such way that I felt no reluctance from Peter. It was a thing Tony left for him, a parting gift, yet Peter gives it away like it didnt matter, even more so, it felt like he was happy to part with it, phew, thanks god it’s not my burden anymore! Also, Tony was really, really protective of his tech: his suit, his watch, his AIs, his bots, his glasses... all of them were part of him, never intended to be given over to goverment or military or some stranger. He gave Peter those glasses because Peter could use them like Tony did, discreetly, while out of costume, and because he knew that Peter would NEVER use them to harm people. But seeing Peter giving over those glasses to some stranger he met only two days ago, as some kind of sacrifice to not feel bad about not joining Fury’s new superhero team, that left a bad taste in my mouth. So bad, in fact, that I still feel it.

(And while we’re on topic of AI, what about Karen? Where is she? Peter used 3 different types of costumes in this movie (minus black one that wasnt stark tech) and she never said a word. Thats... weird, dissapointing and sad.)

BECK: That piece of shit. Yes, I hated that it was yet another ‘IT’S ALL TONY STARK’S FOULT!’ origin. Just.. how many more villians ranting about how and why they hate tony marvel wants me to endure? Because I honestly lost count by this point. And yeah, movie didnt try to make Tony problematic, yeah, they did not try to make us sympathetic toward Beck, they kept enforcing the idea of Tony being good and selfless superhero Peter should aspire to be, but. I still hated it. I hated that they dragged Tony into it, I hated villains cheering that Tony is now dead, I hated that they used stark tech to destroy cities and harm people, I hated Beck wearing or just touching Edith... I hated it, okay. And people WILL now use this 'tony steals tech!' agenda out of context how they happily blame tony for 'kidnapping and blackmailing' peter, 'trying to kill bucky in cold blood', 'siding with ross and splitting avengers apart', 'creating murderous bot'... it's now out there, even if BARF is obviously property of SI and Beck is obviously a psycho.

PETER: I love Tom Holland’s Peter Parker. I love him, I never stopped. But. But. In homecoming, Peter’s inner tremor of wanting to be of use so badly but not called up or trusted to be of help was a very well executed theme of the movie. Peter had a bravado of I’M NOT A KID, I CAN DO IT! in the first half of the movie, that led him to failing big time on the ferry, to him having this big emotional choice of WHO, IF NOT ME on homecoming night, to declining an Avenger title. It was so so so so so well done emotionally. And I was so ready to cry my soul out in FFH, expecting Peter to have so much inner struggle between wanting to distance himself from superheroing after endgame and wanting to help people and trying to fit in in tony’s shoes and not seeing himself capable of it... I searched for those undertones so much in every scene, but all I really felt was Peter not really wanting to be in this movie at all. He’s a kid! I get it! He’s a kid I love and want to protect, okay! But after 4 movies of knowing Peter Parker who jumped in the MOMENT someone was in danger, it baffled me how reluctant he was to help in FFH, basically forced to do it. We could theoritise about him having trouble coping after endgame all day long, but after IM3, brilliantly showing Tony struggling to cope after traumatic events, FFH did not deliever. They tried, but, it was some bland dialogue and barely any subtlety, just a kid wanting to go on his date, already, can you please ask someone else?

Scene with Happy was good, tho. How Peter goes to him but is scared to trust him at first, how Happy is gentle with him, the talk, the in plane lab, the music. It was good bit, but. It was just small bit.

Another thing I loved was MJ, who was a delight, her scenes were good and pure, and Zendaya did perfect job on portraying her struggles of liking Peter and worrying about him being Spider Man and still not being sure about it and trying to appear indifferent and above it all... she was really great and endearing and her scenes with Peter were lovely. The kiss(es) scene was one of the purest kissing scenes I witnessed in a superhero movie, god bless it.

HOLOGRAMS: They were scary, I guess. They were disorienting and difficult to follow and 100% made to whoa you with 3D effects. But I felt completely detached from feelings that those illusions should have summoned up, because for the most part Peter wore the mask and thus we could not see his face or read his emotions. Ironman zombie was by far most unnecessary bit, I was scared that Beck would use Tony in his illusions, barely breathing whole thing, but then ironman zombie showed up and I actually relaxed, cringing. It was just that, a scene that makes you pull a disgusted face, not touching your emotions at all. Somehow...disappointing. Also... Tony CONSTANTLY used heat signature scanner to check up where civillians and villians were. It's a feature that exist and could have been greatly used against holograms. But oh well.

POST CREDITS SCENE: So Beck was even more shitstain of a person, okay. So his grand plan B was to frame Spider Man, okay. The scene was supposed to make me jump from my seat with WHAAAAT and kickstart thirst for 3rd movie, but... I just stood up and walked straight out of cinema feeling strangely hollow and disappointed. I guess... it wasn't bad movie? I won't try to change the opinion to those who liked it. I look forward to seeing gifs and reading thoughts of those who liked/loved the movie. I might change my mind on some bits. But I waited for this movie so much and in two hours I barely enjoyed maybe about 15 minutes of it and it's something i never expected after adoring homecoming and all the peter scenes in other movies. Maybe it's that they murdered Tony and I lost ability to enjoy marvel movies anymore, maybe it's just that.

(finally, I guess it’s too picky of me to be peeved by this, but science school teenagers coming up with ‘i will always love you’ google search grainy picture tribute video was so anticlimatic it was uncomfortable to watch. There’s nothing hillarious about death of those characters, and it did not lighten the mood at all, it only made me uncomfortable and wrong footed. It’s also not how teenagers novadays make tribute videos.)

#spiderman far from home #far from home #far from home spoilers #spoilers #spiderman spoilers #spiderman #rant galore

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xxstyleart · 5 years

Photo

Chapter 18; Siege and Storm

Heyyooooo, so I’ve adapted a few parts in a particular scene of chapter 18 with Mal, Alina and the Darkling! I’ve been trying to read fanfics and it’s inspired to write my own so here ya go!! *Disclaimer: I’ve adapted the existing scene with a few things I envisioned. Most of the content is original to Leigh. I’ve simply added a few different elements into the scene and developed it the way I thought would create a deeper scene. Also, my content will be written in between double asterisks. Anything outside of that was written by Leigh. & the ‘[...]’ indicate there are additional lines from the book I’ve not included in my post but that I’ve skipped in order to make this post more fluid and concise with my adaptations. Hope that made sense. Enjoy!!!!

(Art credit: nanfe1789)

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He nodded, scuffed the toe of his boot along the floor. “I miss you,” he said quietly. Soft words but they sent a painful, welcome tremor through me. Had part of me doubted it? He’d been gone so often.

I touched his hand. “I miss you too.” [...] He let out a long breath. “Saints, I hate this place.” I blinked, startled by the vehemence in his voice. “You do?” “I hate the parties. I hate the people. I hate everything about it.” “I thought... you seemed... not happy exactly, but--” “I don’t belong here, Alina. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.” That I didn’t believe. Mal fits in everywhere. “Nikolai says everyone adores you.”

“They’re amused by me,” Mal said. “That’s not the same thing.” He turned my hand over, tracing the scar that ran the length of my palm. “Do you know I actually miss being on the run? Even that filthy little boarding house in Cofton and working in the warehouse. At least then I felt like I was doing something, not just wasting time and gathering gossip.”

I shifted uncomfortably, feeling suddenly defensive. “You take every chance you get to be away. You don’t have to accept every invitation.”

He stared at me. “I stay away to protect you, Alina.” “From what?” I asked incredulously. He stood up, pacing restlessly across the room. “What do you think people asked me on the royal hunt? The first thing? They wanted to know about me and you.” He turned on me, and when he spoke his voice was cruel, mocking “Is it true that you’re tumbling the Sun Summoner? [...] I stay away to put distance between us, to stop the rumors. I probably shouldn’t even be in here now.”

I circled my knees with my arms, drawing them more tightly to my chest. My cheeks were burning. “Why didn’t you say something?” **Quiet anger rumbled in my chest. How could he not know what was in my heart? How did he not understand that I could not give a care as to what anyone else had to say? I needed him and that’s all that mattered, not what others were speculating about my--sex life.**

“What could I say? And when? I barely see you anymore.” “I thought you wanted to go.” “I wanted you to ask me to stay.”

My throat felt tight. I opened my mouth, ready to tell him that he wasn’t being fair, that I couldn’t have known. But was that the truth? Maybe I had really believe Mal was happier away from the Little Palace. Or maybe I’d just told myself that because it was easier with him gone, because it meant one less person watching and wanting something from me. **Another burden I wouldn’t have to bear. Another disappointment I would avoid. So then, why was there such an aching in my chest as he stood there, staring at me expectantly? What more did he want? Was I not enough? Was I too much?**

He raised his hands as if to plead his case, then dropped them helplessly. “I feel you slipping away from me, and I don’t know how to stop it.”

**His eyes bore into mine with a deep sadness I hadn’t let myself look at for too long these past few weeks. It stung. Maybe because he was right. Maybe because I feared all of this would become too much for him and he’d decide to finally leave for good. Maybe because it was easier to let go first rather than to be left behind like crumbs on a table... Or maybe because it reminded me of the sadness that was growing in my own heart every time he left, because despite his previous declaration in wanting to protect me, I’d felt him slipping away and I hadn’t known what to do about it.** Tears pricked my eyes. “We’ll find a way,” I said. “We’ll make more time--”

“It’s not just that. Ever since you put on that second amplifier, you’ve been different.” My hand strayed to the fetter. “When you split the dome, the way you talk about the firebird... I heard you speaking to Zoya the other day. She was scared, Alina. And you liked it.”

“Maybe I did,” I said, my anger rising. It felt so much better than the guilt or shame. **Times have changed. I’ve changed. I'm not the weak little orphan from Keramzin anymore. I may not be strong, but I am more now. Different. I had to be because of this power, because of all the people depending on it. Why couldn’t he see that?** “So what? You have no idea what she’s like, what this place has been like for me. The fear, the responsibility--”

“I know that. I know and I can see the toll it’s taking. But you chose this. You have a purpose. I don’t even know what I’m doing here anymore.” [...]

**The rage boiled inside, heat rose to my cheeks and ears. “Coward,” I spat as viciously as I could. Surprise swims in his eyes as he registers my verbal attack. Despite the outburst, a door inside me slams shuts. “I chose nothing.” I say coldly. He stiffens at my change of tone. “I did not choose to be born with this power. I did not choose to wage this war. I did not choose to go after the stag,” I twisted the knife.

A mix of hurt, desperation and fear contorts his face. I know he remembers. It was his idea to go after the stag--to get it before the Darkling could so I could be used against the Darkling in time, just as everyone here was planning on doing. He shakes his head in denial.** [...] “You came here for Ravka. For the firebird. To lead the Second Army.” He tapped the sun over his heart. “I came here for you. You’re my flag. You’re my nation. But that doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Do you realize this is the first time we’ve really been alone in weeks?” **Brief shock overcame me.**

The knowledge of that settled over us. The room seemed unnaturally quiet. Mal took a single tentative step toward me. Then he closed the space between us in two long strides. One hand slid around my waist, the other cupped my face. Gently, he tilted my mouth up to his. “Come back to me,” he said softly. **The tenderness in his voice pulled at my heart and thaws it. The door that slammed shut creaked open just a bit. This. This was what I yearned for--what I’ve been missing. Him. His love, his affection. No pride and no barriers to stand in our way. My body relaxed in response.** He drew me to him, but as his lips met mine, something flickered in the corner of my eye.

The Darkling was standing behind Mal. I stiffened. Mal pulled back. “What?” he said. “Nothing. I just...” I trailed off **as fear choked me. I didn’t know what to say.** The Darkling was still there. “Tell him you see me when he takes you in his arms,” **he taunts. His voice was too raw. Too real. It shattered me.** I squeezed my eyes shut. Mal dropped his hands and stepped away from me, his fingers curling into fists. “I guess that’s all I needed to know.” **Panic rose in my chest.** “Mal--” “You should have stopped me. All that time I was standing there, going on like a fool. If you didn’t want me, you should have just said so.” “Don’t feel too bad, tracker,” said the Darkling. **Each word sounded like shattering glass and it was hard for me to not cringe anymore than I already had.** “All men can be made fools.” “That’s not it--” I protested. “Is it Nikolai?” “What? No!” “Another otazt’sya, Alina?” the Darkling mocked. Mal shook his head in disgust. “I let him push me away. The meetings, the council sessions, the dinners. I let him edge me out. Just waiting, hoping that you’d miss me enough to tell them all to go to hell.” I swallowed, trying to block out the vision of the Darkling’s cold smile. **He knows. He knows I won’t say anything more. I’ll let Mal believe this lie rather than tell him what I truly see. He knows I’m too afraid to face that truth.**

[...] “Mal--” **Faltering before I truly begin. He’s slipping. I need to say something. Anything. But what? What can I say to make him stay? Pain strikes me as I realized there wasn’t a better option than nothing.** [...] “I don’t want to hear about [...] Ravka or the amplifiers or any of it.” He slashed his hand through the air. “I’m done.” He turned on his heel and strode toward the door.

“Wait!” I rushed after him and reached for his arm. **Desperation clung to me. I wanted to feel the warmth of his skin on mine. I hoped for it to drive away this coldness I felt inside.**

He turned around so fast, I almost careened into him. “Don’t, Alina.”

**My heart broke. He was already pushing me away. I can see that the distance was much more than the few inches between us.** “You don’t understand--” I said, **faltering again. How could I put it into words he wouldn’t judge me for? How could I think of him so often after all that he’s done? Why do I keep seeing the Darkling? Mal would be disgusted of me.**

“You flinched. Tell me you didn’t.” “It wasn’t because of you!” **I just wished he’d believe me.** Mal laughed harshly. “I know you haven’t had much experience. But I’ve kissed enough girls to know what that means. Don’t worry. It won’t happen again.” The words hit me like a slap. He slammed the door behind him.

I stood there, staring at the closed doors. I reached out and touched the bone handle. **I know you haven’t had much experience. But I’ve kissed enough girls to know what that means. His words ring in my head, cutting through me like a double-edged knife.** You can fix this, I told myself. You can make this right. But I just stood there, frozen. [..] I bite down hard on my lip to silence the sob that shook my chest. That’s good, I thought as the tears spilled over. That way the servants won’t hear. An ache had started between my ribs, a hard, bright shard of pain that lodged beneath my sternum, pressing tight against my heart.

**I turned and leaned against the door, gasping for breath while trying not to let the sobs erupt. I see him fully now, standing exactly where he was behind Mal, just before the bed. The moonlight shone against his tall silhouette and illuminated his broad shoulders, his strong arms. I can see his perfect face, a smile no longer on his lips. He had the mercy to not look smug. Instead, his face was stony and cold but there was something dark swirling in his eyes that I couldn’t make out. I pinned him in place with a look, offering nothing but anger, hatred, and resentment.

I brought my hands to my face, my fingers curling and slightly tugging at my roots. Angrily, I spoke, my voice becoming louder with each question. “Why do I keep seeing you? Why are you here? Why must you torture me like this?” I’m nearly begging him for answers. My hands slashed the air between us, frustrated. “Must you make me drive him away?” I can read his face clearly now. The problem with wanting is that it makes you weak.

He thaws and looks at me disgustingly lovingly. His eyes were soft as he wrapped his hands around one of mine then laid it over his heart. The other caressed my cheek. Gently, he answers,“Yes, I do because you must realize that in this world, there is only you and I. There is no one else like us: powerful. Your power is growing every day. As much as you love him, he could never love you without fearing you first. And as much as you want him to be there for you--to understand you, he simply can’t. He is otazt’sya. None of them will ever know you the way I do. None will understand the hunger for more power or the delight we feel when we use it. There is no one who will not fear you or judge you. Only I can understand you. Only I will not fear or judge you for what you are. You are Alina Starkov, my equal. We were made opposites, but are halves to the other. We were meant to be together.”

I try to yank my hand back from his chest, but I am frozen. I try again, but to no avail. His words shake me to my core. Knowingly, he says nothing and silently urges me on. How? How was he able to read me so well? How did he know so much about how I felt? Of all people, how could he know what I was going through when he wasn’t even here with me? Or real? Shame and resentment filled me. We wage a silent battle, looking into each other’s eyes, acutely aware of the other. We stayed like that for a long time, so long, my body relaxed and grew used to his presence.

I finally break the silence.“...Why won’t you just let me be?” My voice broke. He was only a figment of my mind playing tricks on me. He wasn’t real... so why did he look so real? Why did this feel so real? He was an itch that I couldn’t soothe. I keep scratching to try and ease the itching but it only makes things worse and now I’m bleeding.

“If I did that, you’d be alone.” His words felt like a bucket of cold water washing over me. Loneliness? Wasn’t that his fear? You don’t understand, my words to Mal echoed again. I’d meant he didn’t understand that I’d actually flinched from him because of the Darkling, not because I didn’t want him but had I meant something else too? Was what the Darkling was saying true? With this new found power of mine, was loneliness my fear now as well? My blood turned cold at that truth. Yes, it was... ‘Sankt Alina’, they’d whispered during prayers. They’d praised the Sun Summoner without cease but I saw the look in their eyes. Admiration was there on the surface but it was fear that had driven them--fear of me... of my power. I saw the way servants never stood too closely, the way they flinched at my every move. I saw the way peers did their best to dance around me with their words. People claimed to worship the Saint but I saw their pity. No one wants this kind of responsibility or this raw hunger for power in any life.

“Alone...” I whispered. “Is that what we are?” As soon as I let the words out, I felt it: alone. It kicked me in the gut and nearly choked the air from my lungs. Tears well in my eyes again and spilled over without cease. My body gives way to the weight in my heart and I sink to the floor. The harsh reality that no one would ever understand drowns me. The fear courses through like an unforgiving tsunami. Breathing became difficult. No one could ever understand me. No one except the Darkling.**

I didn’t hear the Darkling move; I only knew when he was beside me. His long fingers brushed the hair back from my neck and rested on the collar. When he kissed my cheek, his lips were cold, **and I welcomed it, begrudgingly. We were alone, together.**

#grisha #grisha trilogy #the grisha trilogy #grishaverse #the darkling #thedarkling #alina #alina starkov #alinastarkov #mal #siegeandstorm #siege and storm #nanfe1789 #pangieeyang #grishafanfic #fanfic #siegeandstormfanfic #grisha fanfic #grisha trilogy fanfic

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matrixaffiliate · 5 years

Text

Like the Storybooks

Co-written with @hufflepuffmarlenemckinnon

FFN and AO3

(sorry everyone, my internet died as I was trying to post this)

Chapter 20

Sirius, as matter of habit, rose with the sun. He was already, to some extent, aware that Marlene did not. She would have to be woken by a lady’s maid in order to be on time for breakfast. But on that first day of their secret marriage, Sirius stayed in bed with the sleeping princess and just took in the sight of her. She’d cast off her shift entirely nearly as soon as her inner chamber door was shut behind them and hadn’t found instance in the interim to reclothe herself.

Though he’d certainly seen representation of the nude female form in paintings and sculptures, but this was a new experience. He had not expected that his life would include an extremely undressed heartbreakingly beautiful woman lying sleeping next to him. The the new day’s light peeked through the bed curtain, reflecting off her hair like a halo. He silently thanked the lord that his new wife slept deeply and well into the morning. The look on his face was probably worthy of all the ribbing he would take from the king and then some. But he couldn’t help it. He’d always contended that a princess like this should not, by all logic, have been a real person. He had only become more sure of this as he fell in love with the woman. He pulled her into his arms and kissed the top of her sleeping head.

She stirred. Little sounds escaped from her perfect mouth but none of them came together into anything that Sirius understood as language.

“Good Morrow, My Princess.”

Though he’d intended to remind her that they were meant to tell the king and queen about their marriage and beg their blessings, he forgot all about it as Marlene’s mouth found his.

The couple were not in attendance at breakfast that morning.

After a truly mortifying experience involving the Lady’s maid, Emmeline, Sirius was quite glad to be clothed and above suspicion that afternoon.

Eventually the opportunity presented itself for himself and Marlene to speak privately with the King and Queen.

After they’d made a show of propriety for lookers on, and were well out of earshot, Marlene took no prisoners in the endeavor.

“We’ve entered into a precontracted marriage. I assumed you’d be pleased with the match. It was rather late into the evening when the discussion came to pass, you see. Waiting until morning to beg your permission seemed both unnecessary and vexsom.” She was fearless in such a way that set Sirius’s pulse racing. The walls he’d carefully constructed around parts of his mind had come crashing down all at once and only hours ago. He was still adjusting to the fact he didn’t just love her; he was allowed to desire her. The whole thing was very distracting, to say the least.

James’s face was truly a sight as he took in the statement his cousin had matter of factly dolled out. He cycled through confusion to shock, onto mild disgust and finally to amusement. Sirius could have predicted the exact responses, but they were quite a lot of fun to watch, regardless.

“You broke through my knight’s chastity belt? I thought he had it soldered on.”

“Marriage tends to be the key to such things.” Marlene smirked at the King and then winked at the Queen who chuckled.

Sirius still had not said said anything up to that point. He’d expected that the king would make some sort of crack about the concept of chastity. He’d been a little too loud in his defense of the virtue being ideal in a knight for this to have gone any other way. It did not stop his face from heating up with embarrassment. Why did this have to be discussed? Couldn’t they just… talk of war or something? Surely they had enough battles to plan that this was all very silly?

He chided himself that he’d rather plan the demise of his own family, where good men would surely die, than tolerate a little embarrassment. Marlene, surely did not seem embarrassed in the least. She seemed quite pleased with herself.

Sirius no longer wanted to think about war, all he could think of was how very difficult this secret would be to keep. It was a battle unto itself to refrain from touching her.

“Am I to understand your mild insults as your blessings upon our union?” Sirius smirked, tearing his eyes away from his wife to meet his dearest friend and sovereign eye to eye.

“Yes many blessings and all that. But it’s not going to be popular with… nearly anyone… so I hope you have some sort of plan.” James turned to Marlene with a pained expression.

“I always have a plan, cousin.” Marlene rolled her eyes with a huff and Sirius restrained from kissing her as her eyes flashed dangerously. “You knew my mother. I’m ashamed you had any doubt.”

“I had no plan. Largely, I just do what her Grace tells me.” Sirius admitted, chuckling as Marlene regained her temper.

“Well that sounds like the start of a long and happy marriage to me. What’s the plan, your Grace?” Queen Lily’s warm smile reassured Sirius that he hadn’t stepped on any royal toes in making this rather hasty decision.

“It’s best if we keep our union a secret from the court until my husband returns to me a Duke.” Marlene moved to take Sirius’ arm and smiled at her own jest. She was making it very hard not to kiss her, and by the look on her face she knew it.

“Your instincts are good, cousin. I hope that you’ll advise me someday when the Chief Minister has decided she’s had quite enough. Though I am concerned that there will be rather glaring evidence of your marriage before we are able to take Semprapuria, at least with the current plan in place.” James looked pointedly at Marlene.

Sirius didn’t quite understand. Everyone was already meant to think that they were in love. What evidence could be so glaring that the whole court would become suspicious that the affair was more than courtly in nature? Before he put it together in his head, Marlene's voice chimed in.

“Worry about the fruitfulness of your own marriage cousin. Leave me to mine. I have contingencies worked out, in any case.”

James rolled his eyes, “Of course you do.”

Sirius could have kicked himself. He’d been rather preoccupied and had somehow failed to consider the fact that Marlene could be with child.

“Your Majesties,” Sirius heard the stilted formal tone to his own voice and nearly cringed. “Do we have your leave to go to Father Hagrid? I’d prefer we get this in the church records so there will be no questions as to the honor of the Princess.”

“My husband and I are of one mind. Is Father Hagrid a trustworthy holy man?”

“He’s been my confessor since I was 15. I trust him with my life” James answered without hesitation.

“Very well then. There’s no time like now.” Marlene looked up and nodded.

Sirius was very happy, in this instance, to follow the Princess’s lead.

Sirius pulled his boots off as he sat down on Marlene's - their - bed, and sighed contentedly.

“I’m so glad that everyone protested my idea to marry you off just after you arrived.”

Sometimes words just happened to Sirius. This was clearly one of those times. Though his statement was entirely true the look on Marlene’s beautiful face as she reacted was proof that they’d been completely inadvisable.

“You… what? You wanted to marry me off? This was never brought to my attention! Explain yourself, Sir!” Her attempt to look very angry was admirable. But there was still a hint of laughter in her eyes as she chided him, and standing there in her underskirt completely undermined her faux chagrin.

“Don’t look at me like that!” Sirius smiled and stood to walk up to her. “It wasn’t some wicked plot and it was to my own brother!”

“Well believe it or not that does not make it sound any better from my perspective.” Marlene's face became wide with shock. “In fact it makes it a sight more nauseating.”

“Oh come on, Marly…” He wrapped an arm around her waist and slid the other hand along her cheek. “All I knew about you was that you were the strangest lady I’d ever met and you considered me the most handsome gentleman at court.” He smirked down at her. “It seemed like a kindness to marry you to a man who bares a strong resemblance. I wasn’t aware that you’d only have the genuine article.”

“You are quite lucky Sir,” Marlene snaked her arms around his neck and Sirius knew he was in the clear, “that you are so very handsome. I don’t generally think I’d be over fond of the touch of a man who wanted to have me as his sister in law.” She rolled her vivid blue eyes. Her bitten lips curled themselves just so, into a most captivating smile. Sirius pulled her closer. The look in her eyes was fast becoming addictive. He lifted her shift from the bottom to tease soft caresses up the outside of her thigh.

“Well it does appear that I am lucky then. Because you seem more than a little fond of my touch.”

She only nodded and took in a sharp breath. Her eyes were so full of want as he brought his lips to hers. When she practically melted into his kiss, he knew that he was more than lucky.

They couldn’t have been asleep for long when a messenger burst into the Princess’s chambers. This was highly irregular. Therefore Sirius had to assume someone was there to harm Marlene and prepare to defend her with his own life… while completely naked. He’d always thought he’d die with a sword in his hand, but he’d not pictured it quite like this. Life had taken a turn for the strange when Princess Marlene came to live at court.

“I am not here to do anyone harm! I’m just a messenger!” The man cowered as Sirius pinned him against the wall, sword at his throat. “Lady McGonagall sent me to collect Sir Sirius! She says it’s… about your family? That’s all I know. I promise. Please lower your sword and… put on some clothing?” He said the last of his plea in a hushed voice.

“If you even think about saying anything about this you will regret it for the rest of your life, do you understand?” Marlene interjected in a disconcertingly threatening voice for a woman who had been screaming bloody murder not a moment ago. Though she was still standing naked as the day of her birth, she held herself with such authority that she might have been wearing her cousin's own crown.

There was no time to think. Sirius’s head was spinning as he quickly dressed and, since there was no going back from this in any case kissed his wife goodbye as he followed the messenger. He was sure whatever news awaited him was grim.

#blackinnon #blackinnon fanfiction #sirius x marlene #sirius black x marlene mckinnon #sirius black #marlene mckinnon #medieval au #medieval fantasy AU #fake relationship au

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woonibugi · 5 years

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190206 - My 2018

I’ve always wanted to start a blog. One where I could share my experiences and feelings. A lot of things have been happening since the start of 2018 and now that it’s 2019, I thought I should do a reflection and just share some of the more memorable moments of this year - good and meh.

So first of all, 2018 was a very important year for me. I’m a Singaporean and 2018 just happened to be my O levels. For those of you who aren’t from Singapore, O levels are a national exam in Singapore that students in the express stream take when they are in Secondary 4 (16 years old more or less). Not all students take these exams, only certain streams do but from relatives and friends, I am aware it’s the most ‘commonly known’ stream.

So back to the topic. I was really stressed the whole year. I was losing hair and had so many worries. Sometimes I’d even think about just giving up entirely. I wasn’t exactly fond of most of my teachers and have a close relationship with one or two, so I wasn’t able to turn to them for help. As such, I did the next best thing, I lived in denial. I ignored all my worries, choosing to enjoy my last year with my secondary school friends. It was a great distraction and allowed me to momentarily forget about my impending exams and eventual doom. (I think that years into the future and look back at this and think I was idiot for finding this hard haha)

I have to thank my parents and my friends who were always assuring me, being a strong shoulder I could lean on and making me smile every day. My parents are very understanding, listening to my concerns and never pushing me to do anything I didn’t want to do. My friends, who coincidentally were my classmates, always made my classes brighter, making me laugh and sometimes even cry as I was laughing to hard. I have 3 people who mean a lot to me, to the point that I get off my lazy ass and go out with them during the holidays when I prefer lounging around at home and binging suju or nuest vids. One of them being @seulrimoguri. I wont write their names but I will give them nicknames (yerm the germ, hoebro, yenniel) and refer to them as such ahah.

Those 3 are those who I interact with frequently in real life but I also have 2 other people who mean just as much. Both of these people I, sadly, have not gotten a chance to meet in real life. First of @alette-stars, who I always refer to as ‘unnie’ because she’s so kind and dependable like a real unnie. I remember feeling really overwhelmed reading stray romance and wanting to relay my praises and awe how someone could write something so amazing and relatable. As a hardcore aroha, who’s bias is Eunwoo, I had shipped binu since I first stanned them when I watched their weekly idol with KNK and 4ten. I won’t talk too much about how I constantly checked for updates or how much I re-read the story but I really truly love it. (unnie you’re the best!) Unnie has been one of the most supportive people I know, always giving advice and answering even when I reply late because of real world stuff. She helped out a lot with the current fic I’m writing, helping with formatting and even came up with a fansite name for me and I’m so grateful.

Another person who means a lot to me is @yuzjjin. She’s a fellow Singaporean who I actually met because she sent me an ask. I remember being shocked that someone would actually reach out to me since I’m pretty shy on tumblr (the only other person who I’ve actually reached out to being Alette unnie haha). I call her jiejie since shes slightly older and an amazing fun-loving person. I trust her with my worries and fangirl with her often as well haha. I remember being really nervous when I first talked to her, unknowingly using very formal language with her (sry unnie HAHA). At the time I’m writing this, you’re probably celebrating cny so happy cny!!

I don’t really know how this entry just ended up being me talking about all the people who are important to me but I’ve gained healing. I feel calm almost. Maybe it’s because I’m sharing my true thoughts? I still sound awkward probably and I’m probably going to cringe when I look back at this HAHA.

To end things off, I wanted to share one more thing that has been bothering me. Yenniel, who I’ve mentioned above, is a huge wannable and even got to see wannaone live in SG when they had come last year. She always used to talk about pd101 and i was hesistant to watch because i get attached easily and after IOI, I really wasnt planning to go through that again. So, I decided that I would watch it nearing or after w1 disbandment. And I did just that. After my exam, I decided to watch pd101 s2, since I had watched pd48 and parts of pd101 s1. The only few people I knew at the start were the Nu-est members, Longguo and Shihyun, Im Youngmin, KIm Donghyun, Jung sewoon, Ong Seongwoo and Daniel. I didnt know after the show I would adopt 40+ boys HAHA

I also rediscovered Nu’est, a group which I had recalled stanning in the past. A lot of things had happened and I eventually fell out of kpop, at the time, and found love in other things. I remembered that my bias was Minhyun (tho I cant seem to recall why HAHA) but after watching the show, I started feeling unloyal because another member was capturing my heart. If you’ve seen my blog’s header and profile, I’m sure you know I mean the squishiest onibugi Kim Jonghyun. I honestly was surprised. I never thought that anyone would come as close to Yesung on my bias list ever again but he somehow managed to do that.(which explains why my blog’s name is woonibugi - Jongwoon and Onibugi) I wonder if anyone else has had that happened to them? Yesung is still my ult (go listen to because i love you thankkyu very much) but somehow Jonghyun is a close 2nd HAHA.

I think this post has gotten to long. Maybe I’ll do another where I talk about my pd101 experience or how i became and ELF or how I became a ㄴㅇㅅㅌ, but that’s for another time. If you’re still reading, I’m surprised HAHA. Lastly, I’ll suggest a song to listen to. I’ve been in a sentimental mood as of late and have frequently been listening to Daybreak by Jonghyun and Minhyun. If you ever want to listen to a nice, calm song, I really recommend this HAHA. Well, that’s all i guess?

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flightless-icarus · 4 years

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june 3, 2020

so i moved to tumblr because i wasnt a fan of being on wattpad anymore, i worried it was making people uncomfortable or that i shouldnt be writing that sorta thing on a story website. im pretty familiar with tumblr too, so this is fine, and i can share this with my therapist as well. lots of people have journals on tumblr, and i dont expect this to be seen by anyone so its fine. i think.

today wasnt a very good mental health day, which is why i decided to write (plus i had forgotten to write these past few days, thus the lapse in entries) im trying to be consistent with these though, so im hoping i can get back in the habit of writing, but some days literally nothing happens and i dont know what to put other than “worked on my comic, ate, slept, and nothing else”. my days are pretty bland.

i worry that im wasting my life away, or at least my young life. im 7 years away from being 30, like? i know thats far away, but im ALREADY 23, 7 will go by pretty fast. i know a lot can happen in 7 years though. i dont know, im conflicted about it. as well as the fact that ive been super uncomfortable these past few days. whenever i get triggered regarding my sexual abuse/assaults i get these super overwhelming feelings and its hard to be touched anywhere around my hips or between my legs, even like. in a nonsexual way. like sitting on my feet or sitting with my legs together becomes next to impossible. even now with my computer in my lap, its making it squirm and itchy in the worst way possible. like im cringing and trying to move the laptop in a way that doesnt make me look weird since im not in a room.

i had a little bit of a meltdown this morning, i posted chapter 2 of my comic on june 1st, but was too tired to write about it, and today, my mom comes to me and tells me that the overlays i did looked bad and i should change them and change something else, and i flipped out because i was already stressed over having to start chapter 3 today (and hardly got any done for the record, i need to either work hard tonight to get some done, or work in overdrive these next few days to get the chapter out by Sunday/Monday again, which im not excited for; im currently fighting a migraine, which is partly why im typing this so early instead of before bed. im trying to let my head decide if it wants to go into a whole migraine or not) then when i went in and fixed the panels, procreate (my drawing app) was giving me SO many issues and not letting me download my photos so i couldnt repost the comic for over an hour, and seeing that i woke up to 7.75 stars instead of the 10 stars ive had for several days made me super upset because i was sad that either the story got bad since i started writing more dialogue OR that people REALLY didnt like the textured overlay, and it really hit me in the motivation, but i need to push on. i cant miss this opportunity, even if i dont win (and i dont plan on winning, ive seen the other entries) but i feel like this is a good opportunity to get me on the right track of writing my official comic.

and since i have a social media account with a large following (10.5k) ive been trying to provide resources and information for people protesting the BLM movement and between that and my comic, ive been strung really thin. i just feel super overwhelmed, like i was half-yelling at my mom this morning over the comic (though we jst talk aggressively a lot of the time) and i almost cried over it, and i dontknow if its because im PMSing or what but idk whats going on.

todays been rough, i know that much. ive been sad and unmotivated but i know i need to push through and work. it is nice to know that ive drawn 120 things in 2 weeks, and that it IS possible.

today was hard, i have a headache, and im gonna try to get back to work. im tired and depressed, and frankly i want to put a knife in my forehead, but whacking my stylus against my forehead is good enough.

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survivorsolomonislands · 7 years

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Episode 2 “#NewQueenInTown” - Lily

hey hoes so ill do my first impressions or w/e chrissa- kween! i was hoping she'd stay awhile but u know when someone wants to be elimed then u gotta! dana- idk ha!hevjkbev i dont remember a dana in any of these so! idk how she plays so yikes but i wouldnt be surprised if shes close w the other newer people lexo- im love her! im hoping we can do #that for callie tru matt- i played a game with him once and he voted me out so :/ but i think we can work well together tbh mitchell- hes malaysia and thats all i know, im not sure how he played in malaysia and lowkey the only times i ever interacted with him he kinda annoyed me gtg monty- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh i love monty, i know he will be one of my closest allies for sure! i cant wait to slay w him linus- hes from winnipeg and he seems sneaky to me and hes a newer school player so he could be close w the others ryan tiddie palmer - i love my dadt sdhvbdfv but also im a little wary of him bc i have a feeling he would love to vote me out but as of rn i need him so, we'll see zak- i voted him out in palau and thats all i got kjehfvbjr i didnt even kno they played a game before anyway hes also part of the potential new school alliance

also heres the vote tea, basically mine and lexis names were being thrown around and i was like??? we aint even do anything so then we started throwing zaks and linus name around. anyway me and mont were freaking out bc we needed 2 more people to get majority and vote zak and save me and lex, so we recruit chrissa and we make an alliance chat w ha. we call and talk about who we can pull in and such. so come the next mornin i start talkin to matt who said he was down for voting zak. honestly i trust matt he seems more trustworthy than other people plus i dont think he knows a lot of the tribe members tru so if i keep him close then my alliance should be good tru. anyway i talk to lexi to figure stuff out, and i talk to zakriah and basically tell him that im willing to vote lexi next round or w/e, mind u this is after chrissa anounces that she wants to be voted out, and well hopefully by telling him this i can gain his trust a little and get some tea from ha. also zak knows that me mont and lexi were targetting him??? honestly idk who couldve told him unless it was chrissa??? no one else shouldve known tru, anyway so i get the tea from that mitchell is the one who told him that he heard my name being thrown around and kjefbv like i dont wanna confrontational or anything but i went to mitchell and asked him about it and he was "like honestly it was like a grapevine thing tbh like nobody was like "...how bout karen" it was more of "i've heard Karen"" LIKE??????????????????????????????? REALLY BITCH THAT DONT ANSWER MY QUESTION. grapevine my ass, like thats what zak told me too, like !!!!!!!!! just tell me bc if u dont then im gonna assume that ur ass is the one started the whole "i heard" thing nnnnn anyway!!!! im just relieved that chrissa is asking to be voted out bc this couldve been way more stressful aaaaaahhhhh honslee i was scared this was all a ploy to throw votes but i genuinely believe ha and i love chrissa too much to ever disrespect her wishes so :/ bye bye chrissa we hardly knew ye!

Not much has happened so far. We won the first challenge, which is awesome, and kinda gives me this fire to keep winning just so that we can keep beating the vets. It's kind of fun to be the underdogs (considering we all have much less experience than the vets) and to win. As long as we don't get a flash challenge, I'm not too worried about how well we do. Or at least, how well I do. I just don't want to be the person with the lowest score. Anyways, on day 2 or something Lily messages me and says we should be in an alliance, since we knew each other from a chat. So I said sure, and she gives me an idol clue she found! Holy shit! Lucky for her, I don't have any other alliances, otherwise I could so easily just play her. I don't have any plans to though - she seems very trusting and kind and I respect that. I just have to be careful it doesn't get me in trouble as long as we're aligned. So I go to search for the idol, with the clue she gave me in mind, and somehow end up finding the exact same clue she did. Hopefully we don't make the same mistake again next round.

https://youtu.be/hCcal7QtHWY

OMG okay so first off... Daisy comes to me saying she likes Jacob. Okay. Perfect. He's my ride or die anyways, so now we have a mutual ally we can lean on, and she says she wants to be in an alliance. Cool. Even better. Let's officialize this shit.

So Daisy makes the chat, and she says "alright Johnny and Jacob, let's add Willow and Luca" and I'm internally freaking out with Jacob on the side here, and Jacob and I are losing it in PMs and we're like "I think that wouldn't be the BEST idea, just because adding people late can make them think that they're going to be 4th and 5th" So Daisy is going to stick with us three being a f3.

Little does Daisy know that Willow wanted a four person alliance with me and Jacob already, and it didn't include Daisy, so it'll be easy for Willow to think she's on the in, and same for Daisy, which can be GREAT for later.

All I know is I'm going to have to do a little educating to Daisy on how to play this game, and making an alliance with three people and then adding two people LATE is no beuno sweetheart... Thank God Jacob and I prevented that one. At least we know we're in a core for now, and we can start picking off the weaker rookies............... or maybe we go after someone who looks like they can be smarter, and an independent player. Maybe Aro for example? Let's see what happens after immunity (giggle)

So after Chrissa announced she wanted to be voted out, Karen and I were able to talk to each other for the first time this game. I pushed that I didn't want to target her if it wasnt out of hate, and targeting each other based on lack of communication could be easily fixed - after all, what's better than an unlikely duo? I'm in two right now if I'm not being played: as far as I know Linus wants to work with me to get out Karen, and Mitchell also thinks that's what I want. However, I want me an ally in Karen, and Lexi or Mo's gotta go next.

Something terrible happened to me irl yesterday and Im in a bad headspace right now. I really dont feel like talking to anyone besides Luca and Johnny(whos actually pretty cool) so I cant wait to get to the swap. I tried connecting with Kaya a bit but she doesn't seem to like me very much. I have a terrible migraine and everything kinda sucks right now but I'll fight through it. I can't wait for the time when I eventually look back on this confessional and cringe at the angst lmao

I low-key hope I get taken out of this challenge early so I don’t have to sit around all night doing it, but the only way that’d be able to happen is everyone just went after me to start the challenge, and no one knows I’m good at live challenges except Chrissa, and she’s bye bye

Aw Dana assigned me to shoot my fuckbuddy aromal in the first round of the IC :( like the opposite of the hunger games up in here :(

This paintball challenge is so fucking FUN! Like, it's so cool to keep on my toes and constantly be dodging/shooting paintballs. It's like my own sort of little endurance challenge. I just have to be sure I don't miss any dodges... That's why I changed the conversation notification settings to notify me every time my name is said. :P But it's fun, anyway. And if I lose, I can blame my team and use the machete I got. >:3c

So... let's play catch up!

Chrissa got voted out unanimously like she ASKED TO. It sucked bc I liked Chrissa but she was a lil strategically problematic so... whatevs. BUT then Karen starts being like "oh would you have voted for me? where'd my name come from?" and being kind of aggressive about it so... that turned me off. Honestly yeah I would've voted your ass out, you ignored me and continue to do so lol, but after that? I'm set. I think my allegiance with Dana is solidified by my complaining to her about Karen, and honestly? I see her as my #2 in this game.

Matt, the other option for my #2, also tells me he's ready to make a move against the Karen/Monty/Lexi coalition when we next go to Tribal Council. We're slaying this challenge so that won't be tonight, but when it does, Karen's ass is grass if I've got anything to say about it!!

Karen and Lexi still make minimal effort to talk with me. Pretty much nobody has been 1-on-1 talking with me throughout this whole 3-hour-long-so-far challenge which is also kind of ridiculous but??? What are you gonna do. I'm still sick so hopefully when I recover I'll start schmoozing like I usually do and stop oozing like I don't wanna do.

also fuk u mangrove swamp

RETWEET IF YOU ARE ON TEAM LA NEEDS TO GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.

This challenge is murdering me. 4.5 hrs left SO.

So, I quit during the paintball challenge. I was the last person left on my tribe and I just couldn't see myself pulling off a win, not against five people - I did manage to get one out on my own but it seemed very doubtful I could have gotten them all. I'm not sure how I feel about throwing it like that, I probably could have faked it and just posted a shoot at the 6 mark which might have been better for my game, cause I'm not sure how that will effect how the vets see me from this point on, or if my tribe finds out and gets mad at me for it, but Y'ALL SHOULD BE HAPPY I DIDN'T MAKE US SUFFER THROUGH ANOTHER FOUR HOURS OF THAT @ VETS. I hate giving up/losing but at the same time, this is only the second challenge of the game. If this has been an individual immunity challenge, damn right I would have stuck it out but it's still early on and I think this vote will be pretty straight forward. IF I manage to get voted out I'll feel so stupid for throwing it but as of right now I trust my alliance and feel safe. (famous last words)

So now Star wants to talk to me...... Tooo little too late bud. You've been talking to the least amount of people this whole game, you didn't even help with the immunity challenge, and now you're coming to me all worried about the vote? Sorry you're in this situation, but you made your own bed, and now you have to lay in it.

On a different note, I was talking to Jacob, and we were thinking that two of us should throw our votes onto someone else, just in case of an idol play, but honestly, I don't wanna be that paranoid freak always worrying about an idol, but I also don't wanna a repeat of the last tumblr survivor I played in, where I got idol'd out of the game, so I'm trying to be careful. I might talk to Daisy about it, but I don't want to come off as paranoid, so it'll be an interesting talk if I choose to have it...

(Slightly later)

OMG LILY JUST TOLD ME SHE HAS THE IDOL I'M SCREAMING!! Now I don't have to worry about a fucking idol play. Not only that, but she tells me that I'm the only person in the game that knows about the idol, which is huge for me because it means that she trusts me the most, and this can be a relationship outside of Jacob, Daisy, Willow and Luca, so this is really good. I am going to focus on forming a broship with Aro too, just to have that connection, but I think that I'm starting to become very trusted in the tribe, which is good.

I know my struggle is going to be when we switch tribes, and just hoping that the luck of the draw doesn't put me onto a tribe with bad numbers, but even if I do, I think I'll be able to charm my way out of it. The fact that I want to vote out most of these people, and they still continue to prove to me that they trust me the most is CRAZY, but Lily is definitely going to be a tool I'm going to utilize in the game for a long long time, and I hope she and her idol make it deep enough in the game to benefit me.

Sorry... rambling. My struggle now is whether or not to tell Jacob. I don't want to lose his trust later in the game by him finding out about this idol, and him knowing that I knew about it. I think I'm going to tell him about it later tonight, and I hope that he'll be thrilled, but he isn't even going to be back for day change... At least now I know that I don't have to worry about the idol, especially because I doubt there are more than one idols out there, from my specific tribe, so definitively, it's bye bye Star time :(

Jesus.... Karen and I survived that round.. In what world is that actually realistic? But we did and thankfully with little issues like messy thrown votes or Chrissa playing an idol on herself after misting us all. I was really nervous that it was all an actual trap because I have seen it happen before and boy is it terrifying but bless her heart for being true to us all.

The challenge was one that I have won before so I was not too nervous about the whole workings of the challenge but I was nervous about how long the challenge would go. I was so tired yesterday for some reason and I do not know if I could have lasted until 2 am with very little break. I would have tried my best of course so I could make sure Karen and I were safe but there is only so much a single person can do which L.A. ended up proving. The Veterans won the challenge THANK GOD and so we do not have to worry about one of us being voted out bless. Right now I would def consider Karen my final 2 because we do share the common homie of Callie and I do my best to trust Callie's judgement most of the time (the other times... I just can not defer from what god wants). My only issue is that Karen has a lot of friends on this tribe that I fear she might pick over me such as Monty and that makes me a bit scared of her but right now we sort of need each other in terms that we are both the most threatening ones on our tribe at the moment so if she gets rid of me, she does not have many people to hide behind and I have been known to be a very good meat shield for those that take advantage of it so here is to praying she is actually my final 2.

Okay I love my tribe now. Seriously though I was only disliking them because I was too mentally checked out to socialize. They're all really sweet people and omg it was all i could do to stop them from pronouncing Zaks name wrong lmao during the challenge. Even though I outta be pissed that more than half of us got eliminated for breaking simple rules, I loved that they were cheery about it.

For the vote ahead, it should be a smooth 9-1 against Star. He hasn't been too active thus far and everybody seems to be on board.

https://youtu.be/RpyYL7gVQEE

LAST ROUND VOTING: A SUMMARY We get back to camp after being beaten in the immunity challenge and things devolve into chaos. Mitchell starts whispering "Lexi" and then shouting "WHO SAID THAT! I HEARD YOU! lexi.... WHO WAS THAT!!!!" Lexi and RTP climbed into the shelter and started singing songs together, waiting for other people to join. Matt sat himself on a rock and just kinda sat there...waiting.... Zak was running around, talking to each and every person saying he heard something different to everyone, calling every guy Miss and every girl Qween. Karen was sitting trying to have sensible discussions, and Mitchell and Zak saw this and started freaking out. Mitchell kept his calm and kept whispering lexi... but Zak thought he said Karen and started freaking out. Meanwhile, I'm running around screaming at people that Zak is dead weight and Linus is a rat, but nobody is really listening to me. Meanwhile, Linus disappeared into the woods to maybe go try on some wigs or some shit, and Dana is off talking to anything that moves, with various degrees of success. In the middle of camp is Chrissa, just sitting. Me, Karen, Zak, and Mitchell are all screaming about who should go, and she silently raises her hand and says four words. "I. I will go." Everyone stopped and just kinda looked at her, and then started screaming. Not words, just incoherent noises, and that never stopped until Chrissa's torch was snuffed by Isaac

real confessional for this round: So, this has been a pretty chill round. As a tribe, our number one priority was winning immunity. I staying longer than a few people, until I had to go swim. I still need to talk to Dana, Lexi, and RTP this round to keep those connections alive, but other than that, my social game is less shitty than in the past! So, overall, this is not looking terrible for me!

IS DAISY FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? Daisy, girl, we spoke about this. Adding people to alliance chats can only cause problems. Making a brand new chat is the way that it has to be. I can't be closely tied with someone who is actually that oblivious to how this game goes. It's like telling someone that there's a three person alliance, and we just want them to be fourth on the ladder. THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS. Luckily for me, it's someone as ditzy as Lily is, and it's someone who doesn't really talk to a lot of people, and she's someone who has an idol, and now Daisy and I were both told by Lily, which is why Daisy added her.

One thing that Lily and Daisy aren't aware of is that Jacob knows about the idol too, and that's because I told him, so with Jacob in the loop, and me being the one who told me, is PRIME. I need to be the barrier of communication between all of them, and right now I think I'm doing a steady job. One thing I need to work on is my relationship with Allie and LA, because they're two SMART girls, who I haven't been spending much time talking to, so I might work on that later today, even though I've spoken briefly about the vote to both of them, I need MORE!

Well after the mess with Chrissa we were lucky enough to win, and I think the challenge was a good bonding experience for the tribe. Now I'm kind of in the middle right now I like my alliance a lot but I think I could work with Karen and Lex in the future so I'm nervous about alienating them and I'm like back and forth back and forth like a metronome or some dumb swingy shit. So lemme just cross my fingers we don't have to go to tribal, and that somebody I know will get this damn idol ay dios bio

We lost the immunity challenge earlier. I'm super disappointed but I doubt I'm in any trouble at tribal council. I kinda messed up by posting early, lost my head and this probably was a factor in our tribe losing. On their tribe, only three people messed up.

But challenge aside, I feel I'm pretty safe for the time being here. I like Jacob, Willow, LA, Johnny and Allie and I think I'm getting along with Aromal too. Really the only people who I haven't really been talking with are Star (who's getting evicted today), Daisy and Lily.

I should probably talk more with the other two. All that said, this game is phenomenal. You can never know if you're really safe.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I FOUND THE FUCKING IDOL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA But like... wow. I find the idol clue on my very first search, and then on my second search, I find the idol itself. When will your fave... #newqueenintown

We won! Updates game wise so I'm just utr1 instead of inv.

1. Zak is still a self righteous prick, but he's also smart enough to just flat out target me rn, so idk.

2. Matt is easy to talk game with, he's seeming a bit paranoid though.

3. Dana and Ryan, still love em both.

4. Mitchell is everyone's best friend, hillarious dude. That also sadly means he is the biggest threat in the game. Of course, right now I want to work with threats, but eventually he will be scary.

5. Karen is still my target.

6. Gotta try and make Lexi and Monty not flip at a swap.

7. Linus is the best, he's probably the front runner to win right now.

Okay so I keep forgetting about confessionals oops. But I'm going to my first tribal council ever tonight and I'm a little nervous. I feel like this vote tonight should be pretty simple because everyone in the tribe wants to vote out Star, but I'm worried that he might have an idol or something since 9/10 people in our tribe looked for the idol yesterday. Also I'm still a little bit irritated at myself from the challenge yesterday because it said 7:05 on my computer when I pressed send but it was still 7:04 on the skype clock or whatever Idk

#thequeenstaysqueen

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