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in-death-we-fall · 11 months

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Parallel Lives

Kerrang 923, September 28 2002

In Slipknot, Joey Jordison gets to rage. In the Murderdolls, he gets to rock. In both bands, he shits in public…

Words: Ian Winwood Photos: Roxy Erickson

Never let it be said that the Murderdolls lack the capacity to surprise. It’s Thursday night, the penultimate date of their sold-out tour of British clubs, and the band were due onstage 10 minutes ago. Getting a band like this to do anything on time is like turning an oil tanker around, so they’re running late. Which means that the 500 people packed inside Bristol’s Fleece club are just going to have to wait.

Joey Jordison, on the other hand, cannot wait. Opting to change from ugly-men-without-make-up to ugly-men-with-make-up not in the venue’s intimate and inaccessible dressing room, but in their tour bus, the Murderdolls have, for the past 45 minutes, been saying “Excuse me” and “Could you pass the hairspray/lipstick” and getting dressed into stage clothes that have seen less washing powder than the Turin Shroud. It’s like playing Twister with Max Factor.

And it could be worse. Joey Jordison – five feet not very many inches tall, even in ridiculous stage boots – needs to ‘go to the toilet’, and he needs to do this in the ‘I’d leave that for 10 minutes if I were you’ sense of the term. Which is unfortunate, considering that ‘No solids shall be deposited in the tour bus toilet’ is appropriately Rule Number Two in the rock ‘n’ roll code of the road, second only to ‘Do not blow the bus driver’s brains out with a .45 Magnum as he’s hurtling down the motorway at 120 miles per hour’. For Jordison, looking quietly concerned, this is a problem. Think, think, think: what to do?

Joey Jordison decides to resolve his predicament by performing a bowel movement on the pavement, in the street.

You did read that correctly.

“Man, I just took a shit in the street,” he says, almost skipping with joy and pride.

Perhaps to celebrate such a commendable achievement, one of the Murderdolls – and, let’s be honest, aside from Joey Jordison, they all look the same – decides to smash a pint glass. The jar arcs through the air, hitting the cobbled floor with a smash that is, strangely, as satisfying as it is entirely redundant. Then another glass takes flight. Then another, then another. There isn’t much whooping and there isn’t much hollering, but there is plenty of debris.

We’re standing outside a pub, next door to the Fleece. The landlady leans out of the doorway.

“Could you stop that please?” she asks.

“Go back inside lady,” says vocalist Wednesday 13, winner of this week’s stupid name competition. “Go back inside and no-one will get hurt.”

Five minutes ago Wednesday was giving serious consideration to urinating on a Puddle Of Mudd fly poster. He decided not to because the band, as people, are “cool”.

The Murderdolls are now walking toward the stage door.

“Hey, you know about American football right?” asks Eric Griffin, the bass player. Eric has missed a part of the tour after his father died, but now he’s back. “Well in American football this is called a drop-kick.”

Eric throws a pint glass from his hand and tries to kick it. The glass spins from his boot and smashes six inches away.

He adds: “Although it’s not a very good drop-kick.”

Inside the venue, the crowd have heard the intro tape and are starting to cheer. Outside, the band are going inside.

Please welcome, from the United States of Stupidity, The Murderdolls.

The Murderdolls have a song called ‘I Like (sic) To Say Fuck’, which is just as well, because they say fuck all the time; they also have a song called ‘Let’s Fuck’ which is not just as well, if you’re the one in line, because they’re all as ugly as fuck.

Onstage at the Fleece, the band say the word so many times that if they were to keep a swearbox they could, at the end of the tour, purchase a country. So it’s, “Here’s a fucking song for you, Bristol,” and “Are you tired of hearing all the fucking shit on the radio, Bristol?”.

In case, heaven forbid, you get bored of the word “fuck”, The Murderdolls do spice it up and throw it around with the odd “motherfucker” as well. They’re inventive like that.

They’re also, on a night like this, at the very core of their element. When the album, ‘Beyond The Valley Of The Murderdolls’, is boiled down and fried up in a hateful hall before 500 loving people, you’re seeing this band as they were intended to be seen. It’s here that you can view the parts of the Murderdolls that are A Good Thing, such as the schlock-punk shtick that recalls bands such as the Misfits and the Necros. This is also the place to see the parts of the Murderdolls that are A Bad Thing, such as them revisiting the era of hairspray and shiny guitars that epitomised the glam-metal years.

The Murderdolls will try to guess a woman’s cup size by feeling her breasts. It’s worth asking: what is the point of the Murderdolls?

“Just to have some fun,” says Joey Jordison. The guitarist – for this group at least – sits in the upstairs lounge of his band’s tour bus. Adjacent to him is Wednesday. Before the tape recorder is switched on, a request is made that the whole band are questioned, but Joey, quietly, won’t allow it. Make of this what you will.

“I get all my angry shit out with Slipknot, so this is something else that I can do. And I have fun doing it. We may not be the most serious band in the world, but that doesn’t really matter. That doesn’t mean that this can’t mean something to me just the same.”

For a band that aren’t serious, by the way, Joey Jordison chose to meet this question in serious tones, and with some immediacy – ready with an answer, almost leaping in with his response.

Would you like your audience to be serious about liking you?

“Yeah, I suppose I would.”

Joey Jordison didn’t actually make an appearance today until 8pm, fearing that he’d contracted a fever after standing in the cole – straight after his band’s set – in Manchester for three hours signing CDs and body parts for his fans. Later in Bristol it would seem that this is no more than a chill, but his earlier absence means that his bandmates have to endure the mind-shrivelling tedium that is the afternoon before a show without him.

Wednesday and guitarist Acey Slade are upstairs in the Fleece’s dressing room, talking small and killing time. Wednesday is attempting to fit brown plastic holsters to his trousers, in which he can hold the blue plastic pistols that will spurt water into the crowd later tonight. Slade – the funniest and most impressive member of the band – is looking through photographs taken in Germany. He says the word “cool” a lot. Wednesday has a bastardised image of Colonel Sanders on the back of his jacket. Kentucky Fried Chicken is his favourite food, he says, with the humorous delivery of a serious sentiment. Although if he lived in England he would open a chain of fast food franchises called Kentucky Fried Fish And Chips.

Wednesday is from Louisiana (sic). Acey is from Pennsylvania.

But you’re based in Los Angeles, right?

“Fuck no,” says Wednesday.

I thought that’s where you all lived.

“We don’t really have a base,” says Slade.

Is that because you’re not a proper band?

“Fuck you,” says Wednesday.

The Murderdolls take this well. The Murderdolls, fittingly, know how to smile.

This is Joey Jordison’s band. He laughs and jokes along throughout the evening – and his humour and tolerance of a piss-taking journalist is more impressive than many – but, in subtle moments, his demeanour betrays a seriousness and focus that is hardly disguised. He is acutely aware of how he wishes to be portrayed although, strangely, he appears more concerned with visuals than words. He applies his make-up on three separate occasions for the photographs that partner this piece. The last time he has to do this, at 1am, he doesn’t appear overly thrilled. He has a quiet word with Roxy Erickson about what she can and can’t shoot (admirably, she opts not to fall in with the conspiracy).

In conversation, conversely, Jordison is almost slanderously unguarded. He wants to make it clear than our own Josh Sindell, in his review of the Murderdolls’ set at the Whisky A Go-Go, was wrong to say that Kerry King left early out of disdain, but rather had to leave for LAX airport. Then he says that while the other eight members of Slipknot were furious with K! Dep Ed Jason Arnopp for the things he wrote in his Slipknot book, this was only because they knew that what he wrote was “true”. He’ll also tell you about how he fucked-up his voice by mixing two different batches of cocaine together earlier in the tour. And how, on the road with Slipknot in America, he walked in to the Clown’s dressing room and emptied his bowels right into the rubbish bin. Right there in the room.

Why on Earth did you do that?

“Because he was fucking with me.”

Is there tension in Slipknot?

“No.”

But then he’ll say this. And he’ll say it with some joy and no disguise.

“We had more people at our gig (in Los Angeles) than Stone Sour did.”

Yeah, but Stone Sour are selling more records in America than you are.

Joey Jordison nods his head and curls his mouth into the thinnest, and cruellest, of smiles. Quietly he says, “At the moment”.

Are you sure there’s no tension in Slipknot?

“Yes.”

In the pub next door to the Fleece, there is something approaching mutiny. It’s 11:50pm, and the Murderdolls left the stage a quarter of an hour ago. Four men in their 40s are arguing about the merits – or otherwise – of the band. They all went to the show, but only half of them enjoyed it. You’ve got to move with the times, say the defenders. They weren’t even playing their instruments, say the detractors.

Listening to this is the landlord. He manages to be friendly despite glowing incandescent with fury. It was his glasses that were smashed by the band, and it was his wife who Wednesday instructed to go back inside so that “nobody would get hurt”.

The landlord also thinks the Murderdolls are the worst band ever to have performed next door. So furious he was with the incident, he confronted the Murderdolls’ tour manager and, threatening to summon the law, elicited an apology and £50 in compensation without hesitation or complaint.

Rock ‘n’ roll.

Just round the corner, the Murderdolls are milling in the street, signing autographs for the 200 people who have braved the chill and missed the last bus to talk to them. They will stay there for two hours. Then they will board the bus and, knowing nothing of the furore left behind them, sleep in their bunks and wake in another town. And there the Murderdolls will emerge to laugh and bullshit their way through another day.

#problems. all of them.#murderdolls #joey jordison #wednesday 13 #eric griffin #acey slade #ben graves #ben is only in a photo #interview #kerrang 923 sep 28 02 #if you want anything else scanned lemme know #the staples in this one were not aligned so just pay the edges of the two page photo no mind please thanks

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heli0s-writes · 3 years

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Your writing is amazing! If you’re taking requests for writing could you do Steve x Reader makeup sex after a fight? You could include the fight if you would like but you don’t have to. Thank you! Have a great one!

a/n: aaah this took so long but thank you for sending it in! this is about desire and self/mutual destruction. see the following quotes for more information on where my brain lives 24/7: (1, 2, 3, 4). and this poem, by Ada Limón.

“perihelion” is the closest point to the sun in a planet’s natural orbit.

warnings: emotions- what are they even! cursing, brief smut & angst. 1.6k words. please stop reading if you are not 18+

brooklyn after dark masterlist

perihelion*

“You’re an—”

“—idiot, I know—”

“I don’t think you do—" Sharp curses and agonized fingertips, your hand curling around his neck to wrench him away for a second before you shove him back, letting his split lip gush over yours, the dark copper of his blood sending a droplet into your mouth. “The most idiotic thing—”

“—on this side of the universe, I know—” Steve hisses when you bite, pull at his skin until the almost-healed again cut opens up wider, “—shit—”

“You deserve it,” your tongue darts out, lapping at his spit and teeth and the very essence of him as if there already wasn’t enough of it sticking to your palms and fingers and optical nerve each time you close your eyes. “So fucking mad at you.”

You shove him onto the bed, climbing on top and straddling him, yanking at tufts of his hair, fisting it into a rat’s nest until he’s staring up at the ceiling, the jutting point of his Adam’s apple like a buoy in a tempest.

“Honey,” he winces, “honey. Had to.”

He grunts when you shift your weight until you’re practically sitting on his chest to keep him breathless—to keep him from saying anything else so stupid.

You already yelled at him earlier, right in front of the team when your short circuiting brain couldn’t hold it in anymore after watching him rush back in. Deciding that the point isn’t solely for Steve, anyway, but possibly for all of them to quit being such self-sacrificing morons and get their heads on straight because at the end of the day, for all their heroism, numbers and logic never lie.

“If, on average, Steve Rogers saves 800 civilians every year, but runs back into a building rigged to explode to save 1 life, and he dies—how many civilian lives will he be potentially not saving because he won’t fucking be there to save for the next 10 years? 20 years? 30 years? How long is a super soldier’s shelf life? 40? 50? You’ll be 120 and still swing like a battering ram, Steve. So, tell me—is it truly worth it to get your reckless fucking head cracked open for just one fucking person?”

There wasn’t even a shred of dishonesty or hesitation as he confirmed, “yes.” In his dirt-covered, ash-soiled, profusely bleeding from an open forearm gash glory, he stood tall and swallowed thickly, knowing the hell you’d reserve for him later, and he said “yes.”

Because he’s immovable and he’s principled and he’ll always, always say yes.

You want to kill him yourself sometimes. Simply precipitate the heartache you know is in your future as long as you’re with Steve. As long as what you feel for him makes you selfish, makes you want to keep him from the fight and the fury of the open world. From the inevitable, legendary death of Captain America as he perishes— as he’s wiped from the face of the planet, wiped from ever being in your arms again— while saving innocents. Those hapless casualties caught up in whatever cosmic battle of good and evil and since he’s a shining beacon with the power to safeguard them, he’ll do it to his bitter end.

You want to kill him yourself because he’s made you into something of a coward. Because instead of trusting his strength, all you trust is fear—a lodged knife telling you he might never return.

Well fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck all that.

“C’mon,” he urges, hands up in defeat.

He’s smiling into the ugly popcorn ceiling, one side of his lips curled upward, jaw slack, easy and yielding because Steve offers himself to everything like this: headfirst, wide open, like he’s not just a man at the end of the day, and like he can’t die same as those casualties he’s overzealous about rescuing.

“Don’t you think about me,” you ask after a long moment of staring, the anger dwindling down to a soft bewilderment, and you feel wounded just a slip away. One wrong word, wrong touch, and despite the last three hours of incandescent rage, you’d break into sobbing, confused pieces.

Your fingers unwind in his hair, returning to your side and trembling starts from the pit of your stomach before it rises up to your chest, then to your throat where it hovers high and brittle. “Don’t you think about me, Steve?”

“Of course I do,” he replies, still smiling, finally allowed to tilt his chin down to meet you. He reaches to hold your wrists, index and middle fingers on your pulse, letting the feverish beat bleed into him. “I’m always thinking about you…” he trails off, taking a moment to sit up and maneuver until you’re in his lap.

He burrows into your neck, nosing up your ear, and he’s sincere when he says, “and I think that if it were you, and you were trapped somewhere and someone could have saved you—"

You wrap your arms around him, blunt nails digging into his back through the silky stretch of his undershirt to interrupt but he only shakes his head mulishly, “If someone could have saved you, and they died doing it, I wouldn’t blink twice.”

“That’s not the point—”

“It is,” he argues, “It’s the only point, because if they were doing numbers and math and decided that your life wasn’t worth it,” he breathes, focused and vicious, “Sweetheart, you don’t know what I’d do. You don’t know what kind of hell I’d raise. And it wouldn’t matter for a second who it was because I’m more selfish than I look. Especially about you. Always, about you.”

He’s chillingly serious, gone so earnest that you can barely hear him over the sound of the blood in your ears. He says it plainly, clinically, like reading data of scientific research—like he’s pored over every possible outlook, quadruple-checked his work, and firmly came to one enormously irrefutable fact:

“I have to lead by example so that everyone else will do the same. It’s not their fault so don’t yell at them anymore, okay?”

He laughs again, rolling into the bed on his back with you landing on top of him, arms absurdly locked around each other. And it’s all so ridiculous. Steve with his sense of duty, his sense of fairness and loyalty so goddamn fierce and shameless.

You retreat, shoving your hands into your eyes because you can’t stand looking at him for another second. He’s a fulgent blur of midday sun behind your tears, hot and blindingly true and it hurts you to the marrow. A part of you is on the verge of laughing inappropriately, helpless.

“So what you’re saying is we’re going in circles.”

Steve shrugs, only sitting back up and kissing you, nudging your hands free and wiping your eyelids with his lips. Once, twice, five times, like there’s been no fight. He kisses you in quick, joyful pecks, and presses the happy line of his grin into your cheek.

“Yeah, but I’m okay with that, I can handle that. You can yell at me again,” he says, clever pink mouth stamping your skin with each sentence, muffling words here and there. “As long as you want, as much as you want, as loud as you want, and I’ll take it. Yell at me. Fight me. Kiss me. Fuck me. Fuck me until you’re finished.”

You scoff, trying to dodge and realizing you’re only half-heartedly doing so— forfeiting, finished— because he really is the sun, and you’re just a nominal planet caught in his spell, mindlessly circling, forever destined to orbit him. To watch him explode in the distant future and getting caught in the blast because there’d be no way to go on without Steve Rogers.

“Jerk,” you declare, “Jerk. Dumb jerk. Dumb, stupid jerk. Asshole—can you—can you try--” you lurch your face at him, catching him on the lips, kissing hungry and desperate and broken, “—try to stay alive.”

Because I’m in love with you, is what you mean, because I can’t be without you, don’t you get it? I’m sufficient and whole and I don’t need you, but I don’t want to be without you and that’s the ultimate mark of being ruined because of another person and I’m so utterly ruined, utterly fucked.

Steve kisses back, panting now, fumbling at your pants and then his own clothes, stripping until the pile of fabric is a mass at the foot of the bed, trying to entangle his flushed limbs the same way with yours.

“I’m here,” he licks his palm, slicks himself up, thrusting inside wetly at the end of each word like he’s trying to drive the point home into your soul. Quick like a blade, a reflex, a flashfire.

“I’m right here,” he says, at your collar, his teeth clamped over the bone as if hanging on the edge of the earth with it.

“I’m alive and I love you,” he whispers, then moans, then collapses into keening light—too fast, too hot—and you’re destroyed, because what else is there to do but be destroyed by him?

“And I love you,” he says again, as you burn to ashes, “And I love you, and I love you, and I love you.”

#steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #steve rogers imagines #mcu #reader insert #fanfiction

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chosenimagines · 3 years

Text

-JEALOUSY-

01 Damn! You are telling me this is what I could have had?!

02 Could he/she/they make you feel this good?

03 Betrayed! Betrayed by you…

04 Stop flirting with my boyfriend/girlfriend/partner right now!

05 I cannot accept that

06 You did what?!

07 What is this?

08 Of course it is your fault!

09 I am so done

10 Infront of me! How is it possible this happens infront of my eyes?!

11 How is it that I am always getting stuck with you?

12 They trusted you! I trusted you!

13 I am no hero! I have never been a hero. No one wants me to be the hero

14 I am still in love with you/them/him/her!

15 God, I can’t fucking stand you

16 For the first time in my life I am doing what is good for me and not your jealous ass

17 Then go with them/him/her!

18 Of course you are happier with them/her/him

19 I don’t want you to be with them/her/him

20 Were you going to tell me about that?

21 It was just a dance

22 I saw you

23 That never should have happened

24 It was just a kiss

25 Do you have an issue with it?

26 Imagine THAT WAS A BORDER NOBODY SHOULD CROSS!

27 That- you’re mine!

28 You fucking promised me that you would stop that!

29 With them/him/her?!

30 You are sick!

31 I can't loose you to them/him/her!

32 Is that really appropriate?

33 Oh, you are actually seeing them/her/him?

34 You make me choose?!

35 You have everything I want, you little bitch!

36 Not again!

37 I am sick of your jealousy!

38 A party kiss? Only a party kiss?!

39 Are you fucking serious?!

40 You want to meet them/him/her?

41 I can’t believe you’ve done this

42 THIS IS CALLED CHEATING

43 Hell yeah I am jealous!

44 You are being ridiculous

45 I wanted to make you jealous

46 I did that on purpose

47 Jealousy looks ugly on you

48 Am I dreaming?

49 I am NOT jealous

50 Don’t worry, I’m all yours

51 I hate it when they look at you

52 What would I be jealous about?

53 Oh sure! Go and see them/him/her!

54 Woohoohoohoo, you’re jealous!

55 You’ve got something that I want

56 Please don’t make me choose

57 Should I be?

58 What has happened to forever?

59 Look… I don’t like you spending time with them/her/him

60 Why aren’t you answering your phone?

61 You are ridiculous

62 It’s nothing

63 Shoving your tongue down someone else’s throat is NOT being friendly

64 That’s JUST what happened

65 You had to steal it

66 You disgust me

67 Go and make out with them/her/him! I am out of here

68 That is just in your head!

69 Don’t give them/her/him that look

70 You make me sick!

71 You will never see them/her/him again

72 I want you to delete that number from his phone

73 Never talk to them/him/her again! Ever.

74 They/her/him are not going to have what belongs to me

75 I am pretty sure I saw a spark there

76 Why can’t I be the first one that you think of? Why is it always her/him/them?

77 I don't believe you

78 You lied to me and now you are talking about truth and honesty

79 It was kinda cute actually

80 You’ve always been my top priority, but whenever she’s in trouble, you leave me hanging.

81 I know you told me not to worry, but I’m so afraid that someone better will want you, and you’ll leave me.

82 You have someone that belongs to me

83 I can't take it anymore

84 Forget it! You are just a fucking bastard

85 Do/es they/she/he make your heart beat like this?!

86 I can’t believe you missed our date for this!

87 If you trusted me, you wouldn’t be so jealous.

88 I am just using you to make them/him/her jealous

89 Sometimes I wish you weren’t this beautiful. Everyone looks at you wherever you go.

90 Your jealousy is the reason for our break up

91 They/she/he just undressed you with their/her/his eyes!!!

92 Will you really let me go like this. Can they/he/she love you like I love you?

93 I never wanted to be just a friend. I wanted to be what they/he/she is to you.

94 I wanted you to be one that I wake up next to BUT YOU JUST HOOK UP WITH THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE

95 Who are you?

96 They/him/her can’t have you! You are mine

97 You were never mine to begin with, but it hurts me to see you with someone else.

98 You are still in a relationship with me even though you want to be with everyone but me!

99 Am I really not enough?

100 I did not see that coming

101 Oh NOW you thought about it?!

102 You were never interested in a closed relationship, and I feel like I’m just holding you back, but I can’t bear to think of you with someone else.

103 I KNOW you are cheating on me!

104 What can I change to make you want me again?

105 I don’t need YOU AND YOUR CHEATING ASS! I CAN HAVE WHOEVER I LIKE!

106 How could you choose them/her/him over ME?!

107 Don’t ever look at her/him/them like that again! She/he/they is/are mine!

108 If I had known you were this popular I never would have gone out with you.

109 Don’t look at them/him/her! You are MINE

110 I know it’s not your fault that he/she/they kissed you, but it still you guys freaking kissed

111 How about this: I’ll go kiss someone else too. After all, it’s just a kiss! Nothing to be jealous about, right?

112 Why did you have to love them/him/her? I would never have hurt you the way they did but they/him/her has got everything I love

113 I’ve always been second best, but now I finally want to beat you at something.

114 Because it was always them/him/her! I was always the second choice. I don’t want to be second choice because of them/him/her

115 When I think of my future, you’re always there, but for you, it’s always been they/her/him.

116 I can’t believe you would let me go for a scumbag like them/her/him!

117 Why can’t you kiss me like you kissed them/her/him?

118 You said you would love me, so do it properly, stop pining for them/her/him.

119 Soooo… who’s that bitch?

120 Me? Jealous?! Never.

121 You have to go with… *cough* them/her/him

123 Just shut up! I can’t believe you tried to make me jealous by cheating on me!

124 SO GO FOR THEM/HIM/HER IF THEY ARE SO HOT!

125 Everything that happened to me is your fault! You are always pushing me into your shadow

#writing prompts #prompt list #my prompt list #prompt #prompts #jealous #jealousy #jealousy prompts #chosens request board

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itsadamcole · 4 years

Text

graduation day pt. 3

fem!reader x finn balor

It’s Christmas now, and Finn and reader have been able to keep their relationship on the down low for four months. That is until the faculty have a Christmas party, where no one’s secrets are safe ... “i really wanna kiss you right now”

word count: 5.3k+

warnings: a former teacher/former student relationship, drinking / being drunk, jealousy, angst, smut, a little bit of public teasing, fluff

— someone wanted a part 3 and this popped up into my head so this is for whoever wanted the part 3. y’all will finally find out where finn teaches in this part .... but part 4? —

masterlist || part 1 | part 2 | part 4 | part 5 || request an imagine here

~ 18+ content below - read at your own risk ~

“Baby,” Finn whines. “Come on. It’ll be so fun. Everyone is gonna be there. Plus, you’re part of the faculty now because ya are Ver’s assistant.”

He stands in front of you in a suit with red and green Christmas themed tie and sneakers. You love Finn, but the tie he’s wearing is ugly.

You look up at Finn and say, “I don’t think I even have anything to wear, Finn. It’s so last minute. You’re literally on your way to the party.”

Your boyfriend pouts and gives you puppy dog eyes. “Please, Y/N. Pretty please. I’ll never ask ya for something again.”

You giggle and say, “We can’t even be together at the party so why should I go? It wouldn’t be much fun for me because I have maybe two teacher friends, one of which you hate because you think he flirts with me.”

Finn says, “I don’t hate him. He just better learn how to stop flirting with my girl.”

You laugh and say, “I need like forty five minutes to get ready because you caught me off guard.” You’re in your Christmas pajamas. A red cami tank top with Santa’s face on it with red and black plaid pants. Those are your pajamas.

Finn gets happy and excited that you said you were going. You walk back into your bedroom and let Finn into your apartment. You walk to your closet to find something to wear.

You call from your room, “So, is this like a formal event or can I wear a short dress?”

Finn says, “A short dress should be fine. It’s not really formal, I just didn’t know what else to wear so I put on a suit.”

You laugh as you raid your closet.

It takes a good ten minutes before you find a dress that would be acceptable for a last-minute Christmas party.

The dress is a dark red, two piece number. The top of the dress is sparkly with a halter top. The fabric on the back is completely sheer except for the line of the zipper, which runs from the collar down to the bottom of the top. The skirt is a little poofy and ends about halfway down your thighs. The waistband of the skirt is sparkly like the top. A bit of your stomach peeks out between the top and the skirt. You wear a pair of dark red heels to match the dress.

You curl your Y/H/C colored hair and do a red and silver smokey eye look for makeup. You add a little foundation, highlight, and dark red lipstick to complete the makeup look. You put in silver earrings and a silver bracelet that Finn got you for your birthday last month.

You leave your room, walking down the hallway. Finn hears you enter the living room and he smiles when he sees you. “Wow,” he says.

Your face turns a little red and you ask, “Like it?” You do a little spin and the skirt flares out a little bit.

Finn walks over to you and says, “I love it. Ya look stunning, my love.”

You look up at Finn and ask, “So what’s the plan? We can’t walk into the party together.”

He says, “I’ve thought about that. I’m going to park in my usual parking spot. Ya will get out first and I’ll be about five minutes behind ya.”

You giggle and say, “Hm. Smart. Except everyone knows your car.”

“Exactly,” he says. “So we’re taking yours. I’ll drive.”

You blink and say, “That’s also smart.”

Finn laughs and says, “I didn’t become a professor overnight. I went though college and training in Ireland and in the United States.”

You say, “You’ve never explained to me how you became a teacher. Is it different in Ireland than it is here in the States?”

He says, “Not really. I needed my Bachelor’s degree, which I got after four years. Then I had to get a basic teaching credential, which I got after 120 hours of training. I taught in Ireland for three years, until I was 25 before I decided to come over to the States to get my Master’s degree in education, then I was offered a job here once I completed my Florida teaching certificate so I stayed and have been teaching in the States for ten years this year.”

You look up at Finn as he talks. He seems so excited when he talks about going to school in Ireland before coming to the United States to teach. It makes you so happy that he gets excited to talk about his journey from Ireland to the United States.

You wait until he’s done talking before saying, “That’s amazing. It’s crazy how long you’ve been teaching for.”

Finn smiles and says, “Yeah, it is. So, shall we head to the party?”

You nod and collect your things, and by ‘things’ you really mean your clutch, your keys, and your phone.

You and Finn leave your apartment building and the cool breeze hits you.

It’s a warm night tonight in Orlando, Florida. You and Finn will make the short drive to Full Sail University, where Finn teaches and you assist.

Finn drives your car and you play on your phone as he drives. You scroll through Twitter and Instagram.

Your phone begins to ring and you see it’s your mom. Your eyes widen and say, “Crap, I never told my mom I was coming home this Christmas.” You had a flight today but didn’t make it in time, which is why Finn showed up and asked you to come to the party.

Finn glances over at your phone to see your mom calling and he says, “What’re ya gonna say to her?”

“Well I can’t tell her the truth,” you say, answering the phone. “Hey, Mom.”

Your mom says, “Hi, honey. Where are you? You should be home by now.”

You say, “Um, yeah. I missed my flight this morning so I won’t be making it home for Christmas this year.”

“I can book you another flight if you’d like,” your mother says. “It wouldn’t be an issues.”

You internally start to panic and say, “No, it’s okay. I’ll FaceTime you, dad, and Y/S/N on Christmas morning to see everyone open presents and everything.”

Your mom says, “I’ll send yours down to you so you’ll have them before Christmas. They’ll probably be in a big box so be prepared.”

You laugh and say, “Alright, Mom. I’ll talk to you later. I’m on my way to a little get together at the school.”

“Have fun,” your mom says. “Stay safe. I love you.”

You say, “I love you too, Mom.”

She hangs up and you sigh. “Not a complete lie,” Finn says, pulling into his parking spot. You laugh.

He parks the car and he looks over at you. “You’ll be coming in a few minutes?” you ask, looking over at Finn.

Finn nods and says, “I’ll be there in about five minutes.”

You nod and say, “I’ll see you in a few minutes.” He smiles and nods before you get out of the car. You walk through the parking lot to the gym area.

In your four years as a student, you’ve heard all about the faculty Christmas parties. You’ve heard all the stories of drama that have happened at these parties. You’re hoping that nothing happens this year but you’re not holding your breath.

In the past four months, you and Finn have begun a ‘friendship’ by having lunch in the cafeteria or his office. You’ve tried to stay away from him as much as you can but it’s hard when he’s one classroom over from you.

Veronica, the teacher you’ve been assisting, has kept a close eye on you since day one. She’s very suspicious of something more than just a friendship between you and Finn because of what happened day one in Finn’s office.

You walk into the gym. Faculty members are all scattered throughout and the gym is decorated with Christmas decor. There are tables are covered with red and green covered with a Christmas themed figure in the middle. Lights and garland hang throughout the rafters. Christmas music is blaring in the large room. There’s a small dance floor section. You see a minibar in the corner. So there is alcohol, which makes you happy. You’re 23 so you can drink legally.

You ask for a Coke and vodka at the minibar before you walk around, trying to find anyone you know.

That’s when one of your professor friends comes up to you. Mr. Seth Rollins. History professor.

“Hey, Y/N,” he says, drunkenly wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “I thought you were going home for the break.”

You laugh at how drunk he already is before you say, “I was, but then I missed my flight this morning. Someone convinced me to come tonight so here I am.”

Seth smiles and says, “Well, I’m glad you’re here. Come dance with me, Y/N. Have some fun."

You look up at Seth and say, "Alright. One dance."

The two of you walk to the little dance floor area. You sway to the beat of the music with your drink in your hand. Seth makes small talk with you as the two of you dance to Santa Claus Is Coming To Town by the Jackson 5.

A few minutes pass by and you decide to start looking around for Finn. Seth notices that you're distracted and he asks, "You looking for someone? Maybe a boyfriend you invited?" Your eyes shoot to Seth when he says the word 'boyfriend'. "So it is a boyfriend. Do I know him?"

You immediately jump into defense mode and say, "No, it's not a boyfriend. I'm just looking around. I haven't met half these people."

Seth says, "Don't think I haven't seen how close you and Finn Balor are. Always in the cafeteria having lunch. It's a little weird considering that you're his former student."

You stop moving and you look at Seth. You say, "I graduated in May. It's been over seven months. I had you as my history professor in my first year. That's a little weird too."

He opens his mouth to talk and he says, "I won't deny that but you're so much closer to Finn than you are to me. Plus, Finn looks at me weird when I'm around you."

Finn does think that Seth has a thing for you. You look the same way at Veronica when she's around Finn. You two get so jealous sometimes, you won't deny that fact.

"Finn looks at everyone weird," you say. "I don't know if you've noticed that."

As your eyes scan the room, you find Finn. He's standing with Veronica and one of the other English professors, Mr. Kevin Owens. You sigh. Seth looks back to see Finn talking with Veronica and Kevin before looking back at you.

Seth says, "You're either jealous or upset that he's talking to Veronica. I heard what happened when she walked into his office on the first day. You told her off and she's been upset over that for the past four months."

You say, "I'm not surprised. She's been harassing him for a while from what I understand. He's been rejecting her."

He laughs and says, "She's been after him since she got hired. The English Department head loves her. Finn's been saying no to her for years but she won't lay off him. Everyone was shocked when you of all people said something to her."

"How many people know that I said something?" you ask, looking up at Seth.

Seth says, "A lot of people do. I think some people from all departments know what happened. It's not exactly a secret, Y/N."

You facepalm and say, "Great."

After a second, Seth says, "Oh, shit."

You look up at Seth. "What?" you ask. "What's happening?"

"Veronica is all over Finn," he says. "Kevin left and it's just the two of them. He's pushing her away from him."

You turn and look at Finn. Veronica is all over him. Kevin is walking away from them. Anger rises inside of you.

Seth says, "For someone who isn't your boyfriend, you're sure acting like he is. You look so mad, Y/N."

You look at Seth and say, "Excuse me for a second, Seth." You walk toward Finn. Your boyfriend looks over at you and says something to Veronica. She looks over at you and rolls her eyes.

Finn looks at you and says, "Y/N, nice to see ya."

"You too, Finn," you say, looking at him. "You looked like you could use some help." You look over at Veronica, glaring at her. "No offense."

She forces a smile and says, "Full offense taken."

Seth walks up beside you and asks, "Everything okay over here?"

You look at Seth then look at Finn. Veronica says, "Everything's fine. Just making polite conversation. Nothing to be worried about."

Finn is staring at Seth. In Finn's defense, Seth is standing a little too close to you for comfort.

Seth snaps his fingers and says, "Oh, Veronica, I wanted to talk to you about something so can I borrow you for a second?"

She nods and walks off with Seth. When they're out of sight, Finn takes your wrist and walks with you outside the gym. "Finn," you gasp as you walk after him. "I'm in heels. Slow down."

The two of you walk around the building and Finn looks down at you. "Why is Seth hanging around you?" he asks.

"He walked up to me," you say. "I was getting my drink and he asked me to dance. I could ask you the same question. Why is Veronica hanging around you?"

Finn says, "She walked up to me as soon as I walked into the room. It's like she was staring down the door and waiting for me to walk in. Why? Is someone jealous?" He raises his eyebrows at you.

You say, "Every chance she gets, she's all over you. I'll tell her off again, I swear to God, Finn. I will. I'll throw her across the damn room if I have to."

He laughs and says, "Stay around me tonight. I want to make sure ya don't throw her across the room."

You pout and say, "I'm not complaining about being around you but I still want to throw her across the room."

Finn leans down and pecks your lips before he says, "Relax, Y/N. Ya won't want to throw her across the room in a few minutes."

Confused, you tilt your head at Finn and ask, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"That's for me to know and for ya to find out," Finn says. "Come on. Let's head back inside before it looks suspicious that I dragged ya out here."

You nod and head back into the gym with Finn. You walk with Finn to one of the tables. He pulls out a seat for you and you sit down, scooting closer to the table with Finn's help. He sits beside you and says, "Feeling better?"

You nod again and say, "Much."

Right at that moment, Seth and Veronica walk over. Seth sits on the other side of you and Veronica sits on the other side of Finn. You sigh softly and take a large gulp of your drink.

"Everything okay?" Seth asks, seeing you take the large sip of your drink.

You say, "Everything's just peachy."

After you say that, you feel Finn's hand on your knee under the table. The red table cover hides his hand on your knee.

Finn asks, "So what did the two of you need to talk about?"

Seth replies by saying, "I was going to come by and talk about the history behind the book she's going to be assigning her class to read in a few weeks."

"What book would that be?" you ask, looking at Veronica.

She says, "The Diary of Anne Frank. We analyze that book like no tomorrow. Usually, I have one of the history professors come in and talk about the historical context behind the Holocaust and everything. Seth knew this so he asked if he could be this year's speaker."

You look at Seth and say, "Oh, really? Well, I look forward to seeing you come to class in the future."

Finn's hand slide up your thigh under it's right under your skirt. You take another sip of your drink to wash away the nerves. Finn's never touched you when you're at the school, except for the three times you've had sex in his office since graduation day last May.

Seth says, "I do as well."

You finish your drink and look at the ice in the cup. You say, "I'm going to go get another drink. I'll be right back."

You start to get up and Finn's hand slides off your thigh.

"I'll come with ya," Finn suddenly says. "I've been needing a drink myself." He stands up and walks with you to the minibar.

You ask, "What do you think you're doing, Finn? You can just put your hand on my knee like that."

Finn stands beside you at the minibar as you order another Coke and vodka. He leans down and says in your ear, "I did and I will again."

You're handed your refilled drink and look over at Finn. "You're being very touchy-feely tonight and it better stop unless you want the relationship coming out into the open."

He says, "I'm a little drunk and a little jealous that Seth can just openly flirt with ya."

"Now you know how I feel," you say, sipping your drink. "We both get a little jealous, don't we?"

Finn secretly leaves a few soft kisses to your jawline as he says, "I'll lead to some really hot, jealous sex tonight."

You giggle and say, "If you're that lucky. You won't be lucky if you keep kissing my jaw when our co-workers are around."

He smirks and says, "Touche, my love."

After the little conversation that left your core aching for Finn, you head back to the table. Clearing your throat, you sit back down.

You cross your legs under the table in case Finn gets any ideas. His hand goes back to its spot on your thigh when he's settled next to you.

You, Finn, Seth, and Veronica make small conversation.

Veronica asks, "So, Seth, have you been seeing anyone recently? Or have your eye on someone?"

Seth looks directly at you and says, "I have my eye on someone. I don't think she feels the same though."

Finn grips your thigh a bit after he slides it up a bit. You gasp and cough to cover it up. You take a sip of your drink.

"What about you, Y/N? Dating anyone or talking to anyone?" Veronica asks, eyes staring into your soul.

You say, "I'm dating someone but it's none of your business who it is."

Seth nudges me with his elbow and says, "Tell us about him. What's he like? Does he go to school here?"

You look over at Seth and say, "He's not from around here. He's from Europe. France, actually. He's home visiting his family for the holidays."

Veronica says, “Oh, wow. What’s his name?”

Quickly, a name pops into your head. “Francis Blanchet,” you say. Finn’s initials. F.B.

Finn snickers under his breath. Seth asks, “What’s so funny, Finn?”

“Nothing,” he says, pulling his phone out quickly. “Just got a funny text. That’s all.”

Veronica says, “Well, I have my eyes on someone.”

You shoot a glare as Veronica and say, “We’re all aware that you stalk Finn because you’re in love with him.”

Finn and Seth both stare at me as Veronica says, “You’re acting like you’re in love with him or something.”

I am, you think to yourself but you say out loud, “I have a boyfriend in France and Finn never told us if he was dating anyone.”

All three of you look at Finn. He looks at you and says, “I am.”

“There we go,” you say, glaring at Veronica. “Stop chasing a man who’s taken.”

Finn gets up and says, “Alright. I’m diffusing the situation before it gets too out of hand so, Y/N.” You look up at him. “Come dance with me.”

You get up and take Finn’s offered hand that he held out to you after he asked you to dance. Veronica’s jaw drops and asks, “What about me?”

“You sound like a five-year-old and you’re, what, 35?” you ask. “Grow up”

Finn walks away with you, hand in hand.

Snow in California by Ariana Grande is playing. There are a lot of pairs on the dance floor so you walk to the other side, out of sight of Seth and Veronica.

Finn takes you in his arms and you wrap your arms around his waist, both of you swaying to the music.

He’s looking down at you and you look up at him. Finn’s face is close to yours and he says, “Ya are jealous.”

You smile and say, “Maybe a little. She’s claiming you like you’re hers.”

“I’m yours, my love,” Finn says to you. “All yours. I may not show it a lot when we’re here at school but I do love ya. A lot.”

You stare up into Finn’s eyes and you say, “I really wanna kiss you right now.”

Finn’s tongue swipes over his bottom lip and he says, “I really wanna do more than just kiss ya right now. Our little conversation earlier made me a little too excited.”

You bite your lip lightly and say, “Let’s head out soon and we can go to whoever’s place is closer and you can do more than just kiss me all night long.”

He nods and says, “Ya leave in a half hour and I’ll follow behind ya after about ten minutes.”

You nod and pull yourself closer to Finn, staring up at him.

Someone clears their throat and taps you on the shoulder. You turn and see Seth Rollins. “Can I get a dance?” he asks innocently.

You look up at Finn and he has a jealous look in his eyes but he says: “Sure. Find me after, Y/N.”

He hands you over to Seth and walks off. You look up at Seth and he says, “I’m surprised that he said yes. I thought he was gonna kill me right then and there.”

You say, “He’s a little possessive of me. I mean, look around the room. I’m the youngest person in here. He just wants to make sure I’m safe.”

Seth says, “I do too, but if you were my girlfriend then I wouldn’t leave your side.”

You stare up at Seth and say, “For the last time, Finn and I aren’t-”

“Cut the bull,” he says, cutting you off. You close your mouth. “When Ver said that you were acting like you were in love with him, you muttered ‘I am’. I heard you. The way you look at him, I wish you’d look at me that way.”

Seth looks behind you and you glance behind you. Veronica is trying to kiss Finn and you look at Seth. You say, “I can’t do anything without it looking suspicious.”

Seth says, “I’ll handle it.”

He turns to walk away before you take his wrist, saying, “No. I’ll handle it. I don’t care anymore.”

You walk over to Veronica and Finn. You look at Finn and say to Veronica, “What would Finn’s girlfriend think if she found you were moving in on Finn. She's not here but imagine if she walked through that door and saw you trying to kiss her man."

Veronica looks at you before she asks, "What would your boyfriend think if you were defending Finn like you were the one dating him?"

Finn looks over at you and says, "Because she is the one dating me."

You, Seth, and Veronica all look at Finn. Finn smiles and says, "She's Finn's girlfriend." You smile when he refers to himself in the third person. "And I am head over heels for her."

He walks over to you and you stare up at him. Seth smiles behind you as Veronica says, "This is highly inappropriate. She's your former student."

"Keyword," Finn says, not looking away from me. "Former. She graduated in May, she's not my student anymore. She's just my co-worker and my girlfriend."

You giggle and say, "I am."

Finn rests his hands on my cheeks and says, "Ya said how much ya wanted to kiss me earlier. What's stopping ya now?"

You smile and say, "Nothing." Your hands fly to the back of Finn's neck and you pull him down to you. His lips crash to yours and start to move against yours. Seth claps behind you and Finn smiles against your lips.

Veronica says, "Whatever." She walks off.

Seth says, "Okay, okay. Let's not suck off each other's faces in front of everyone."

Finn pulls back and smiles down at you. You look at Seth and say, "Thanks for like not freaking out."

Seth smiles and says, “You guys are cute. I kind of suspected something day one and was waiting for the day that you guys made it public. It was also why I never made a move on Y/N even though I liked her.”

You laugh a bit and Finn says, “I think I’m starting to like ya a little more.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Seth says. “Go home and take care of that.” He motions to Finn’s hand on my butt. “I know how you two are just dying to leave so go ahead.”

Finn doesn’t waste any time in grabbing my clutch and my hand before running out the door. You laugh as you try to keep up with Finn.

***

Finn’s place is the closest to the school. He lives in a three floor Victorian house. You guess with a professors salary he can afford this on his own. You’ve been here a few times before but he likes to come to your apartment.

He parks your car in his driveway and gets out. You get out and walk into his house. Once the front door is closed, Finn’s lips connect to yours and your hands fly to his hair. You smile into the kiss and kick off your heels by the door. Finn sheds his jacket.

The two of you stumble toward the stairs. Finn’s tie comes off and you start to unbutton his shirt as you walk up the stairs.

Once up the stairs, Finn shrugs his shirt off and unzips the top of your dress. You throw the piece of clothing onto the hallway floor and Finn picks you up by your thighs.

The kiss has gotten more intense when you and Finn slip your tongues into each other’s mouths. He pins you against the hallway wall.

“Finn,” you giggle against his lips. “Your room is right upstairs.”

He says, “I can’t wait that long.”

Finn pulls off your skirt and you reach down to unbutton his jeans. He walks upstairs to the third floor and into his bedroom.

You’re dropped on the bed and he pulls off his dress pants. He kicks off his shoes before leaning down and hovering over you.

His lips are on your breasts, kissing and sucking one while his hand groping the other. You moan softly and run your fingers through Finn’s hair as he pays attention to your breasts.

You lift your hips up so your clothed core rubs against Finn’s bulge. He lets out a soft groan so you do it again. And again. Until he pins your hips to the bed.

“Relax, my love,” he says, pulling down your soaked red lace panties. “We’re gonna get there.”

You bite your lip and look up at Finn, saying, “I need you inside of me right now, Finn. Please.” Desperation is laced in your voice.

The room is dark but you know that Finn’s looking at your now fully naked body as he throws your panties to the floor. He gets himself out of his boxers and hovers back over you.

Finn pulls you close to him and kisses you. Your lips move feverishly against his as his top runs through your wet folds. You moan into the kiss.

He pushes himself into you, making you moan louder.

You love when you have sex at Finn’s house instead of your apartment because you can be as loud as you want. Your neighbors can hear you when you’re with Finn in your apartment. There’s no one around in Finn’s house.

Finn moves slowly, letting you adjust to him inside of you. You gasp and moan as he pulls back from the kiss. His lips attach to your neck and he starts thrusting harder and faster into you.

“God, Finn,” you moan, throwing your head back. “Fuck, right here.” He moves deeper into you and he grazes your g-spot with his top.

You moan loudly and your back arches off the bed. Your hands are on Finn’s back, digging your nails into his flesh.

Finn’s now kissing your jaw, panting a bit by your ear.

He mumbles, “I love you, Y/N. I love you so much.”

Finn thrusts faster and you moan, “I love you too, Finn. So much.”

The room is filled with your moans and the sound of skin slapping as Finn thrusts into you.

It takes a little bit before both of you reach your highs at the same time. You release around Finn and he releases into you. You scream Finn’s name as you climax.

Finn helps you ride out your high and kisses you messily. Both of you are breathing heavily as you come down from your highs.

He gets off of you and he says, “Come with me.” He puts on his boxers. You grab one of his shirts and put your panties on. Your legs are a little weak but you follow Finn. His hand is in yours. He pulled the blankets off the bed and he walks downstairs with you and the blankets.

“Where are we going?” you ask, walking into the living room.

Finn gets the fireplace started and you smile. He lays out the blankets in front of it and he lays down. “Come cuddle,” he says.

You giggle and lay down beside him. He wraps his arms around you and you throw your arm lazily across his waist. Your head rests on his chest and you intertwine your legs with his.

The two of you lay in front of the warm fireplace for an hour before a clock goes off.

It’s midnight. It’s Christmas Day.

Finn smiles and looks down at you. “I know we promised not to get each other anything,” he says. “But I have something for you.”

You watch as Finn gets up and grabs a little present from under his tree. The present is big enough to fit in your hand. He sits next to you and holds it out to you.

“Finn,” you say, sitting up and crossing your legs. “You didn’t have to get me anything.” You take the gift from him.

He smiles and says, “I know. Just open it.”

You smile and start to open the gift. Inside the gift wrap is a dark red velvet box. You look up at Finn and he’s smiling. Slowly, you open the box.

Inside the box is a ring with an oval diamond. You look up at Finn again and ask, “What’s this?”

Finn smiles and says, “A ring.”

“Why?” you ask as he takes the ring out of the box.

He holds it out to you and moves so he’s on one knee. Your eyes widen. “The past few months have been some of the best of my life. I love you, Y/N. More than you think. I didn’t know that when ya walked into my classroom a year ago that we’d be here. When ya came to me on graduation day and told me how ya felt, I knew that I wanted ya in my life forever. So, I’m asking ya for forever.”

You stare at the ring in Finn’s hand as he talks.

“Marry me, Y/N.”

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nurseofren · 3 years

Text

TW: body dysmorphia, body talk, binge eating, disordered eating, my mother, fatphobia, depression, weight mention

It runs deep and it starts so early.

I feel I should write this without generalizing, as I think body dysmorphia/binge eating/eating disorders are very personal and individual experiences, so I don’t want to group anyone into this.

So I guess I’ll start off with why I felt the need to get this out of my head: eating.

Eating hasn’t been an experience focused around nourishing my body in a long time. Eating is something very touchy for me. It has been even more so this past year. And I’ll get into that.

But I’ll just describe it as how it feels right now. It’s like this big secret. It’s something shameful. It’s something to hide. Because no matter the portion size, it feels like I’m doing something wrong.

“You are all of that?”

“Do you feel sick? You didn’t take that much food.”

As someone who detrimentally tried to please everyone, who tries to read the room and scope out the correct action, it’s been very confusing.

I have to bring up my mother. Because as much as I wish one issue didn’t involve her, I’m finding that’s true very little of the time.

She cooks for the family. Always has. And I was scorned for not eating something. Even if I didn’t like it, it would always end in “you are a stubborn child. You are a picky eater. You’ll eat what I make or you can make a peanut butter sandwich. I just suck, don’t I? Why do I even bother?”

So it’s confusing as a grown woman living with her parents — a situation I’m working toward changing soon, hoping for next Fall — to be told that i don’t have to clear my plate. And then I can not eat something and I’ll still get the aforementioned comments, but it’s not forced on me like it was when I was young.

It’s these learned behaviors that were expected of me at a young age that fester and leave me vulnerable to fits of BD, BE.

And then there’s another level to it.

“No we’re not getting [fast food establishment], none of us (i. e. my family who is fat) need that anyway”

“You only need a super small piece, it’s so rich”

“Those clothes weren’t made for big girls”

*justification of eating a meal because a prior meal was skipped*

“Those shorts look a little tight”

“Big girls shouldn’t do cheerleading, it’s embarrassing”

“No we’re not getting dessert! None of us need it, anyway!”

My mother is fat. I’m fat. I grew up fat with a fat mother. But I grew up fat with a fat mother who hates herself. Who called herself ugly and depreciated herself every chance she got. I grew up in a house where it was expected to cover your body, to wear baggy clothes, to buy clothes because they fit and not because you liked them.

And I could go on a full tangent on how this runs even deeper. How my mother views herself as a lost cause, who deems herself unlovable or unworthy of being loved because of her body — and how, ultimately, I never learned how to take care of myself because she never took care of herself.

Calling women high maintenance because they got their nails done, because they scheduled hair appointments, because they bought shoes and clothes they loved more than once bi-annually. And as a kid, I obviously wanted to believe my mother.

So I saw these women with pretty painted nails, and I saw them with their daughters who were my age, I saw these pretty girls with the nice nails and the skill in makeup, and I thought I was above them. But really I was just so buried under the self hatred of someone else that I didn’t see that those people did those things because they cared what they looked like, that they saw it was important to take care of themselves in a way that let them feel good.

And I was jealous. I was jealous because my mother never taught me how to paint my nails. Angry that I wasn’t worth the time for her to learn how to braid. Jealous of these other girls who tanned and were always polished. And then there was always me, biting my nails off every week in the shower because I didn’t know how to trim my nails.

But anyway, see I knew I’d tangent off w that topic, I have a very interesting relationship with my own body. Now.

I truthfully didn’t start really actively taking care of myself until early this year. I’d go months without shaving. I had no skin care routine. I would go days without brushing my teeth (which honestly is my very prominent sign of depression, when I stop brushing at all when I have nowhere to go and I’m still working on changing that).

In short, my outward appearance was very much for someone who loved me. And I never had one, so I didn’t see the point in keeping up with these routines. Why should I take care of my body if nobody is caring for it?

And last year I’d lost some weight by changing my diet, so people complimented that. And it just cemented to me that people only care about you when you’re smaller. People only positively notice you when you are skinny or slimming down.

So. I gained that weight back. I accidentally weighed myself at work last week and had it confirmed. I’m at my heaviest in probably two years. And I don’t feel shame for the number, or even the appearance of my body, but what really grates against me is eating.

There’s two sides to the nagging — the one that tells me to eat because I’m too far gone and it’ll be impossible to lose 120 pounds and find the elusive happiness that supposedly comes with that. And then there’s the side that angrily screams at me while I’m thinking of food, while I’m hungry, while I’m getting food, while I’m eating food, that just mentally beats me to a pulp.

“Maybe you’re a virgin who’s never been loved because you’re such a disgusting pig”

“If you don’t eat that, you’ll lose weight faster”

“If you start today, you could be at the BMI approved weight this time next year.”

“Just take a nap, you can’t be hungry while you sleep”

“Just eat smaller portions so you can shrink your stomach and decrease your appetite”

It’s just so exhausting. Having food be a salve, but having food also be the root of the issue.

Existing as a fat person in friend groups where they stand around and call their BMI approved bodies fat and disgusting. Hearing people fear fatness on a daily basis. Working with a preceptor who was grossly interested when my large patient wanted to weigh himself, like she was so involved in the situation because she viewed his size as shameful. Hearing her and another skinny friend go through photos of their high school classmates and act so disgusted and say “she blew up. She got big” about someone they graduated with.

It’s just all of these things. And then I accidentally take a video of my body when I’m taking risqué pics (😅😉) and looking at myself and…. Loving my body so much.

Knowing I’m at my heaviest in a while, and seeing my belly and curves and legit loving them. And seeing my body as this beautiful thing. This soft, cozy being worthy of love and affection and attention.

And then I hear these things. Everything mentioned above and I’m just “I’m not supposed to love my body because I am fat and there is no love for the fat girl”.

And there’s always been this forefront of a thought that I can be loved….. once I lose the weight. I can be loved…. after I’m below a size 12. I’m allowed to be shown affection and kindness….. when I’m thin.

It’s always been there. I never expected attention because I never deemed myself worthy of it. I still don’t most days. I’ve grown comfortable moving in the background of others’ lives because i am not a positive presence in my fat body.

No matter how kind. No matter how funny. No matter how smart. I am simultaneously too much and never enough for society. So I do not deserve those things thin people get without thought. Obviously.

So it’s all very heavy (hahahaha). I love my body, I really do, but I don’t deem it worthy of affection or desire. I complicate eating because obviously I’m fat and don’t need regular nourishment as the current fat existing on my body will be my sustenance because that’s how science works.

I’m trying to work on it. I’m trying to deem myself worthy of good things. Of food, of exercise not centered around changing my body, of clothes I’ve forever been told is “not for big girls”.

I’m trying. I am. But that’s where I am. Hopefully, if anyone has made it this far, I’ve made sense and perhaps made life a little less lonely for some people.

#admin #I think it’s worth the read if you think you’re up for it mentally #she’s a lil long but I’ve been sitting on this for a while.

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nootgi · 4 years

Text

Spotlight

MLQC Victor

MC deals with the drag of life and tries to face her emotions. Will she accept the hand that reaches out to her or push them away like she always does.

A/N: HHH victor is my biggest comfort character so it feels right to get back into writing with him. Also one of my favourite fic tags hurt/comfort! I hope you enjoy it ^-^

Word count: 4478

There was a white light shining above me and the brightness pried my eyes open. When my eyes finally adjusted I was standing, surrounded by darkness. All there was, was a bright spotlight.

I tried moving my body but it felt like lead, stuck in its place no matter how much I struggled. My mouth was too dry to cry out, the only thing that seemed to respond was my eyes. They bounced around, trying their best to understand but there was nothing in the dark abyss. A small whimper slipped out of my throat and suddenly the shadows began to move.

One by one, eyes started to appear, all so familiar yet so cold. All the warmth was taken from them but the piercing one of them all were those ruthless purple eyes. They were so sharp as if cutting into my soul and laying my faults out to bare, so calculating as they judged me. Desperately I tried to defend myself but nothing came out except pathetic sobs, my face stung in the cold void from the downpour of tears.

In the middle of a sea of darkness, eyes judged me as I lost myself.

My eyes snapped open and I found myself in my apartment. My body shivered from the cold sweat mixed the draft from the open window beside my desk. It seems I fell asleep whilst working on Victor's proposal…

Victor… What was that dream? My brows furrowed as I tried to remember the dream but the more I tried, the more it broke apart. All I remember was the cold. My deep thoughts were disrupted by my phone alarm ringing, when I turned off it's obnoxious beeping, it set in that it was Monday. The start of a new week, the bright beginning! To shed the dead weight of last week and get to it!! The sheer thought of putting on that mask made me groan. The past week has been draining to say the least, Kiro's behind the scenes set was swarmed with fans, leading to extra security detail to be reviewed and approved. Then Reek messed up a sponsorship deal which meant the whole episode had to be re-filmed but since it was such short notice some guests couldn't attend. That in turn caused some public backlash which caused many late nights of apology to passionate fans. With so much on my plate, I couldn't help but look eagerly towards the weekend already. Just 5 days, that's just 120 hours.

I put on my shiba slippers and walked towards the bathroom, able to take it slow this morning since it was a late start. When my light flickered on, I glanced up into the mirror to catch my reflection for a second before looking away. If you look too closely every flaw will bloom. I brush my teeth, staring at the tap like it was the most interesting thing in the world. Probably was in this apartment honestly. Once my bathroom routine was finished, I started to prepare breakfast when my phone rang again for the second time.

"Anna? What's up?" I answered with a yawn, looking at the calendar hung on the wall.

"Have you forgotten!? Today's presentation day!!" I gasped as I saw the red circle and arrows all point to this day.

"It slipped my mind! I'm coming as fast as possible so please hold them off!!" My words tumbled out as I stopped all my breakfast preparations, throwing on my clothes and heels. Anna gave me a 30 minute window as a maximum. Once I got my files together, I sprinted out of the apartment. Mowing over my landlady who grumbled about running in hallways. I couldn't stop, this was too important.

'You can't even remember something so important as this? You really are pathetic.'

No time to address my thoughts, I reach the LFG building in record time. In front Anna stood there with a coffee and a grim smile. I took the coffee out of her hand, chugging it down, not knowing when my next break was. We walked quickly across the lobby as Anna filled me in on who was attending this talk. Ever since the company took off, more and more investors have begun to take an interest. If this talk goes well, we can begin to take on bigger and better productions… create a company dad would be proud of. Just the thought of it made my heart leap.

When we stopped in front of the boardroom, Anna turned to me with a frown. She began to fuss over my hair, my skirt and the messily tucked shirt. I try to bat her hands away, not wanting to keep them waiting when a dark shadow looms over the two of us. I turn around quickly, getting immediately absorbed by sharp purple orbs. Victor. Just as I was about to speak, a sharp pricked my heart and cut my words short. There was something building up in my chest, like a string being wound up so tightly.

"You're late." He says bluntly, it feels like he's speaking down at me…

"Sorry, just slipped my mind." My words left me before I could stop them, Anna looked over at me with her eyes wide.

"If this kind of talk 'slips your mind' maybe you shouldn't be here at all." He doesn't pull any punches, huh? Brushing past the two of us to enter the room. Anna reaches out to pat my shoulder but I turn around with a practiced smile.

"Let's do our best!" She nods reluctantly and enters the room. I take a few moments to relax my clenched fists and push down the emotion blooming in my chest. This is business, nothing more. Once again that mask slips on and the talks begin.

After a long 5 hours, the end is finally called allowing me and Anna to collapse into our desk chairs. Both groaning at the ache in our feet and relief that the end is in sight. All that's left is the investors to speak amongst themselves and begin preparations should they choose to back us.

"I need to go pee!" Anna blurts out weirdly, standing up instantly. I look at her questioningly, watching her back as she sprints off to the toilet. Guess she really needed to pee..? Thinking I was alone I let myself sink back into my thoughts. In my mind the talk replayed over and over, every little mistake stuck out. The long pauses between a question and answer, words and numbers blending into one and worst of all my voice cracking. Slowly the small regrets spiral into a kaleidoscope of my worst moments. All the shame and embarrassment caused the red in my cheeks to burn and my eyes glaze over.

'How could someone like you ever make him proud?' Those words slip venom into my thoughts as the bright office lights are dimmed by the shadows growing. Suddenly the space around me changes and again I feel piercing eyes surround me. They're judging me. Who wouldn't? My skirt is short, my shirt is wrinkled and my hair is hardly in the ponytail anymore. The chances of getting the investment seemed bleaker, the tension in my chest grew more insistent. I tried to ground myself, digging my nails into my palms and looked around to distract myself.

Just a few more hours and the fragile mask can be put to rest for today.

"Earth to dummy?" Fingers snap in front of my face and I'm dragged back into the bright office light. Victor was standing beside me, a frown etched into his usual poker face.

"Yes? Sorry." I look back down instantly, trying to avoid his eyes. My hands began to fidget causing me to hide them under my thighs.

"Are you okay? You don't seem… like your usual self." He pauses, thinking of a way to phrase his sentence. When my mouth opens to respond my mind is conflicted between two responses. The truth or the usual lie… what good would come from the truth?

"Nothing, just monday blues." I shoot him a tired smile, as his mouth opens to press on further Goldman returns to call us back to the room. Anna arrives at the same time and immediately we're swept back into the business talk.

… In the end… WE GOT THE FUNDING! Me and Anna screamed at each other as soon as we stepped outside of LFG. Passerbys looked at us oddly but we couldn't bring ourselves to care. This was definitely the push our company needed to grow. We rush back to the office to tell the team the great news. Willow, Kiki and Minor upon hearing the great news suggest a night out. A round of drinks to toast to our future. Feeling the adrenaline from this morning leave my body, I pass on the celebration but promise to treat them all to lunch one day. The company closed early, the spirits bright, warm and lifted. You couldn't tell it was monday.

So why is it that I feel so hollow?

As I leave the building with the gang, Anna pulls me aside.

"Just know I'm here for you." Those simple words gave a prick of warmth, my smile is just a ghost by this point. I just nod, fearing if I speak that knot in my throat would snap. I waved them all off and began my walk home. The crisp autumn wind kept my lonely self company, dancing around my body and trying to enter the warmth of my clothes.

There was nothing to occupy my thoughts other than the crunch of the leaves under my boots. Anna's words and Anna's warm smile replayed in my mind, chipping away at my resolve built out of ice. I want to reach out, I want to talk but every time I cry out I'm silenced. Why should my darkness taint their light? Why must I burden them with nothing? There was swell of emotions that caused my footsteps to increase till I began full sprinting down the street. My lungs and legs burned as I collapsed inside my apartment.

The mask finally shattered and the ugly emotions bubbled out of my chest. Sobs wracked my body and my arms wrapped around myself.

On my cold apartment floor, I cried myself to sleep.

There was a knock at my door, breaking my sleep at the very first rasp. My body was stiff from the floor and my eyes felt puffy. Rubbing my eyes a little aggressively, I open the door and see a delivery driver. I tilt my head confused as he leaves a bag in my hand, leaving without payment. I locked up my door once again, putting the bag down in the kitchen to retrieve my phone. It was 11pm. There were a few drunken texts from Minor and pictures from the girls updating on their night out. I laughed fondly at the picture of Minor with his ass stuck in a bush when Victor's face flashes on the screen. He's calling me. My mind blanks as I let the phone ring, once the call drops I let out a sigh of relief.

With that the days blended into one repetitive cycle, each moment becoming more taxing than the next. It was always paperwork, meetings, filming and then home. My only relief is the click of my front door locking. I settled down at my desk with some cup ramen and began my work again. This is the quarterly report for Victor, it had to be perfect. Otherwise- I don't think I could handle his critique. If you could even call it that… more like an emperor looking a gladiator in the eyes as he puts his thumb down, sentencing the poor soul to death. I laugh slightly at the thought of Emperor Victor, he is a good leader, confident and smart. Yet compassionate and looks out for the little guys. I don't think there is a thing in the world that can shake Victor. He's so perfect, you forget that he is only human. 'Stupid perfect Victor and his perfectly perfect hair and his handsome face.' I grumbled to myself, finishing my dinner and getting back to work.

When I put my empty cup ramen down, the heavy weight of the fork inside knocks it down onto the floor. The clattering sound echoes around the apartment, serving as a reminder that I'm alone. I groan and get up to clean when I finally take notice of my room. Clothes, fresh or used, thrown across the room, my snacking habits revealed from the countless chip packets, cup ramen and chocolate wrappers. When did my room get like this? When I turn to my desk I see the building pile of used dishes from weeks ago, there was even dust beginning to collect on them. I should clean…

Finding no motivation to clean, my productive flow was cut off for today. No matter where I looked, there was some sort of reminder of my failures. That feeling in my chest had started to build again so I climbed into bed. Surrounding myself in the only warmth I could accept, I laid there tracing patterns onto the duvet mindlessly. Time ticked away as the warm glow of the evening diminished into darkness. I didn't even move from the bed to turn the light on, the darkness far more comforting. In all that time the only thought through my head was: I'm lonely.

It was my own fault really, I push everyone away the second I feel bad. I'm too busy drowning in my own pity that I can't help people that need help more. I'm disgusting. Pathetic even. Crying over something I caused myself, over something that could be so easily solved! Even when that painfully obvious truth was there my heart remained shut, not letting in the people most dear to me.

Another memory began to play in my mind. Stood in my teacher's office. My head was bowed, my eyes focused on the fidgeting of my fingers, as he scolded me over crying about his harsh feed. 'This is life!' and 'Stop being so fragile!' played in my mind. You shouldn't be here. Victor! My gasp slips out as I realise that I'm sobbing, my pillow drenched. I sat up, trying to supress my loud sobs and held my hand against my heart that felt like it was beating out my chest. Stop- Stop, Stop! I begged myself to calm down, feeling that I was losing control on the emotions I reigned in so tightly.

That night, I cried alone in the darkness of my apartment. Begging for anyone to save me.

After that night I decided to take a sick day, feeling unready to feel the world's cold embrace. Anna had offered to present the report to Victor but I rejected it saying that I could still do it. I picked up my phone, opening my contacts and almost dropped it at the amount of missed calls from Victor. Had I been avoiding him that much? I clicked on his chat to see his messages, all seemingly concerned but who wouldn't worry over their 'investments'? If to borrow a few words from Victor. I was about to click off till Victor's face popped up as a call. Out of habit I picked up instantly, my body responding slowly to my mind screaming no. As I scolded myself mentally, I heard from the CEO after almost 2 weeks.

"Hello? Are you there?" There was some traffic in the background, he must have been just walking into the office.

"...Yes-! Hello Sir!" Great response said no-one.

"Sir? I thought I told you to call me Victor. Anyway I decided to call since I've been notified that a certain little idiot is sick." He heard already? I only told Anna…

"Y-yeah, really sick- You shouldn't worry though!! Only a small hiccup, should be back on my feet tomorrow." I wave my hands around even though he can't see me. There was a pause only hearing the ding of an elevator.

"I hope it is, business doesn't stop for anyone but… If you need anything at all, just- call me." The way he spoke so tenderly at the end caused my knees to shake and my eyes to well up again. It's there! The hand that I could reach out to…

"Thank you Victor, goodbye." My voice threatened to break as the knot started to tighten again. I couldn't possibly drag him into this mess, drag him into me. The well of tears remained on the edge, threatening to spill as Victor bid his farewell too. I knew there was more he wanted to say but he also knew I didn't want to hear more. When the phone call ended, I dropped back down into my bed and stared up towards the ceiling. What shall I do today?

The apartment felt too stuffy for me so I decided to take a walk, my legs carried me to the park. Despite it being autumn there were still children running around, jumping into piles of orange leaves or the old man that fed the bird by the fountain. I walked towards the fountain, taking a seat a few spaces away from the man. I had accidentally spooked some of the birds but they settled back down. I had apologised to the man but he laughed and shook his head.

"You were more cautious of these birds than any busy body in this city." He says gesturing to the few people that sprinted through the park, holding briefcases or speaking rapidly into their phones. That would've been me too…

"I would've been them on any other day." I force a sad laugh and look up to the sky.

"That's the problem with you young uns, always pushing yerselves too hard. Though I cannot pass judgement, I was the same back in my hay days!" When I finally look back at him, he keeps his eyes trained on the birds he feeds.

"How did you… escape it?" Was there a way to get out without hurting anyone around me, without burdening them?

"The answer is so simple my dear, find your warm place." My warm place? Where could that be? My eyes catch a scene of a father holding his daughter tightly in his arms as she cries over her scratched knee. My eyes widen as I watch him tickle her, raising her high above his head to bring back the smile on his daughter's face. The man watches with me, his eyes holding the same nostalgia that rings in my heart.

"And… If your warm space is gone? Then what?"

"They never leave you. Just as a river never flows the same forever, you can find comfort from elsewhere but that doesn't change the memories of the past. The path it has carved remains." It was true that my father was the only one I could confide in with my emotions. He read me like an open book at times. I used to think it was because dad had a superpower but he always told me 'If I didn't know what my princess was thinking what kind of papa would I be!' Is there anybody that I could trust like that?

"If you don't mind my asking, what is your warm space?" I turn to the old man and see he's already gone, the birds around still remain undisturbed. I guess that's my time at the park, done. I got up, deciding to stop by convenience store to get some more snacks. What could my space be?

Just like that another month flashes by and the final contracts have been signed. Miracle Finder has gained another 2 investors through LFG. In order to celebrate, Victor had arranged a party to be held. I say party- it was more of a formal ball! When I asked Victor about it he just said his typical response 'This is a networking event, whilst it might be to celebrate the company I hope you don't grow complacent.' UGH! Stupid Victor!! I screamed in my head as I entered the main hall and was instantly submerged into the high class society. The long night of fake smiles had just begun and my mood was just not there. However it felt nice to see my late night studying of the guestlist was paying off. The whole time at the party I felt his eyes on me but he never once approached me. Every time I couldn't look back at them.

The night was going well but my feeling of dread continued to grow and grow. Not being able to shake it off, my discomfort was apparent enough for Mr Kim to point it out.

"Are the old men scaring you Miss." He laughs, the group joining in on the laughter. I try to force a laugh, sounding more like a cry for help, I shake my hand.

"No no! It's not like tha-" I get cut off as the group bursted into laughter and just like that my dream flashes in front of my eyes. The chandelier that hung above us feeling like the spotlight, the men's loud laughter attracting the prying eyes of everyone around. People began to whisper and hiding their smiles behind their hands. They're laughing at me. I bow trying to excuse myself but Mr Kim reaches for my hands. In panic I slapped them away and ran off and I failed to notice the pair of sharp violet filling with rage.

Cold winter air bit at my cheeks as they glowed red and cooled the warm tears staining them. My mind conjuring up the worst scenarios, adding more straws to the camel's back. I need to regain control- I can't show weakness! If I can't handle this, I'm not worthy for the company. What would dad say? Would he wipe away your tears or try to fight those men. My laughter escapes me when I think of my Dad.

"Laughing and crying? If anyone saw you they'd think you're insane." That deep voice rang out from the balcony door. I turn around and see Victor walk towards me, his suit jacket hung in his arms. Those words had a teasing tone but his face was tense, jaw clenched and brows furrowed. Without thinking I meet Victor half way, reaching up to soothe his eyebrows. Despite his shock he leaned into my touch, face slowly relaxing into the usual poker face. Even this close I couldn't look him in the eyes. I could feel his search my eyes but I kept mine trained on his tie. With a sigh he takes a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe my eyes softly, the soft material soothing the rough skin.

"Dummy." Those words caused my dam to burst as I fell into Victor's embrace, crying. He said nothing, holding me tightly till I tired myself out.

That night I cried in his warm embrace, that protected me from the cold winter's night.

When my eyes opened I was still on the balcony, laying on the bench covered by Victor's suit jacket. My head was resting on his lap as he looked out at the night view. Still in a tired daze I stare up at his face. The city lights created an orange glow that caressed his face and defined every single one of his perfect features. My eyes trail up his face from his lips to his nose and when they finally reach his eyes, he's looking back. With a gasp I sit up.

"Finally awake? I wasn't expecting you to snore so much." He says, a slight quirk to his lips.

"I do not snore!" I gasped and hit his shoulder lightly till I realized what I did. When I was going to apologise he rubs where I hit him and frowns.

"Someone's getting bold lately." His tone was serious but his eyes were nothing but playful. It caused a genuine laugh to bubble out and my cheeks puffed as my smile was pulled widely. When my laughter died down, I realised I was looking Victor in his eyes. Were they his eyes? Instead of the sharp purple blades they were like a soft vortex, swirling with stars and emotion. My words were stolen as I got lost in his galaxy.

"Looking into eyes now?" His voice was soft, practically a whisper but it was the only sound in the frozen night.

"I- I was so scared." I admit to him. Victor reaches to tuck my hair behind my ears, the simple gesture causing my heart to race.

"You don't need to fear me. I'm here for you." Those words again, the hand is there again. Tentatively I stretch my arm, placing my hand in his warm palms. In his hands I place my trust. A river never flows the same forever.

There was a white light shining above me and the brightness pried my eyes open. When my eyes finally adjusted I was standing, surrounded by darkness. But this time was different. In darkness shined a pair of purple eyes, they drew closer to me. My eyes tightened shut as he entered the spotlight. I was terrified, I didn't want to fall again. He wiped the tears that poured down my face and whispered into my ears.

"Open your eyes." I trusted him. I opened my eyes and the eyes that were cold were illuminated with light. The eyes turned into familiar faces, filled with warmth.

Anna stood there with a supportive smile. Willow, Kiki and Minor were grinning from ear to ear. It was like a fog being lifted from my mind, I saw everything with new clarity. There was still darkness but never once was I alone. He was always by my side. My eyes snapped open as my phone began to ring.

Ah! I must've fallen asleep whilst watching TV! I picked up my phone and it was a call from Anna.

"Boss! I sure hope you're ready for the storm coming…" In the background I heard Kiki whine at the comment and Minor cheer excitedly.

"I'm more than ready." I laugh, looking at my cleaned up apartment, not a stray sock or wrapper in sight. Food was cooking in the oven for the home party. The sun shone through the open curtains, its rays falling onto a photo of my father. Beside that was the matching shiba cups I had gotten with Victor.

Everyone faces their own demons, but that doesn't mean you should do it alone. I learnt that the hand wasn't to drag me out of the abyss but to connect our lights and face the dark together.

#mlqc victor #MLQC #hurt/comfort #nootieml

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paralianprince · 4 years

Text

The Crown Prince of Sealand gives an exclusive glimpse into life on the off-shore platform

AS A principality, it doesn't quite have the glamour or style of Monte Carlo. There's no castle for the Royal Family and even basic luxuries, such as soap, are in short supply. Sealand is, in truth, a rather ugly, lonely pile of concrete and rusting metal which rises above the choppy waters of the North Sea some seven miles off the coast of Suffolk.

Yet the “hard as nails” Bates family have put their lives on the line on more than one occasion to remain the undisputed monarchs of their self-styled kingdom since 1966. For them it’s certainly not just two giant concrete legs rising out of the sea to support a thin metal platform measuring 120 feet by 60 feet – roughly the size of two tennis courts. “There is a very powerful family bond with Sealand which is difficult to explain but it won’t be broken,” says ruling monarch Crown Prince Michael Bates, 68, in a rare and exclusive interview.

He is currently involved in discussions with Hollywood filmmakers planning a movie about Sealand, and a book is published this week chronicling its fascinating history. Suddenly, Sealand is attracting an awful lot of attention, mainly because of a public yearning for wild tales of English eccentricity.

Built in 1942 by British engineer Guy Maunsell, it was one of a handful of his so-called Maunsell naval forts put up off the East Coast to stall a German invasion force which never arrived. Marines occupied the forts to pound enemy aircraft with 28lb anti-aircraft shells, destroying 22 planes, one submarine and 33 doodlebugs, a record which justified the cost of building them.

However, at the end of the war the forts were abandoned. Their purpose had been served and nobody knew what to do with them. For years, they lay empty and unloved, convenient rest stops for passing seagulls.

Then former soldier Roy Bates, Michael’s father, had a brainwave. Injured in fighting in Italy in 1944, Roy hadn’t adapted well to life in civvy street.

After literally hurling his bowler hat and briefcase into the sea near his home in Southend, Essex, he told his wife Joan, a former beauty queen he married in 1948 – six weeks after meeting her at a dance hall – he wanted to lead a more exciting life.

He bought a boat and adapted well to the rigours of North Sea fishing but found it difficult to make a good living. The couple also tried running a chain of butchers and an estate agents, but neither business satisfied Roy’s yearning for adventure.

While sailing off Essex, Roy became fascinated with the naval forts. When he learned that one, Knock John, was being used as a base for a pirate radio station he decided to set up his own.

With the help of some Southend musclemen, Roy turfed off Radio City and claimed Knock John as the base for his pirate station, Radio Essex, which began broadcasting on October 27, 1965.

As the listenership grew, advertisers started coming on board but the authorities took a dim view of his activities on Knock John Fort and successfully prosecuted him for broadcasting illegally.

Paying the £200 fine meant genuine hardship, so, undeterred, he decided to take over another fort, called Roughs Tower, which was further out in the sea and did not come under British jurisdiction.

The only problem was the pirate radio station Radio Caroline was using Roughs Tower as a base. But that issue was resolved when Roy and his mates arrived with iron bars on Christmas Day 1966. Unsurprisingly, the Radio Caroline crew agreed to share the platform.

However, the first chance he had, Roy took the opportunity to seize full control and ejected the competition.

“I was a 14-year-old lad at a private school in Wales at the time, but I loved visiting Roughs Tower in the holidays,” recalls Michael.

Roy certainly needed him to shore up their defences, especially when Radio Caroline unsuccessfully attempted to retake the tower. To deter them Michael tossed molotov cocktails down from above.

A later attempt was foiled when one of Michael’s petrol bombs started a fire on the invaders’ boat. His sister Penny, who was three years older, was also on hand to brandish weapons at any aggressor trying to land on what had now become the self-styled Principality of Sealand.

“One of the guns we had was taken from a German soldier my dad shot while he was fighting in Italy,” says Michael.

“The other was a 9mm Beretta Dad brought back from the war.”

There is a famous picture of Penny brandishing the weapons on Sealand, sending a clear signal to anyone else thinking of muscling in. Force would be met with force.

Other weapons in the Bates’ arsenal included a flamethrower and shotguns. Old gas canisters were strategically placed to drop on unwelcome vessels arriving with the intention of scaling the dangling rope ladder, the only way to get to the platform.

The defiance of 6ft 3in “hard as nails” Roy Bates was drawn to the attention of then Prime Minister Harold Wilson, who instructed the armed forces to switfly reclaim the fort.

But when Royal Marines arrived, Michael and his mother armed themselves with weapons and made it clear they would not leave without a fight. Rather than risk bloodshed, the Marines beat a retreat.

On another occasion, when the crew of a navigational installation boat came a bit too close and made cheeky remarks to a sunbathing Penny, then 19, Michael fired a couple of warning shots across their bow.

However, by then Penny was tired of holding the fort and wanted a more normal life back in Southend.

“My father was very demanding,” admits Michael. “I don’t blame my sister for not sticking with it. It was a strange kind of upbringing for sure.”

Penny told Dylan Taylor-Lehman, author of the new book, that life as a Princess was not all it was cracked up to be. Just getting to the principality was gruelling.

“It was hours and hours on the boat going chug, chug, chug. I used to sit there in a blanket and think, ‘For God’s sake will someone kill me please’. It was horrible, horrible.”

While Michael kept himself busy securing defences and fishing for lobsters over the side, Penny survived on rationed tin food and biscuits made from flour and distilled sea water. When the water tanks ran dry, they had to rely on rainfall.

In the late Sixties and Seventies, Sealand stamps, passports and coinage were produced to satisfy the curiosity of an increasing number of people.

There were also plans to go into business with some Germans who wanted to build a casino, a heliport and duty-free shops.

But while Roy and Joan were discussing the options in Salzburg, the crafty Germans teamed up with some Dutch allies and staged a coup. “I was on Sealand when I heard a helicopter approaching,” Michael recalls. “We had a big mast to stop helicopters landing but they came down on a winch and said my father had signed a contract with them to sign the fort over to them.

“I knew my dad would never do that. I kept telling them I needed to speak to my father. I was armed but I didn’t really know what to do.”

By now, effectively kidnapped, Michael was locked up in a room for several days. When he was finally let out there was a physical fight.

“They tied my ankles together and my wrists and I heard one say they were thinking of throwing me over the side.”

He was forced off the platform and dispatched back to land. But after regrouping with his father and friends, they vowed to take back Sealand and, appropriately, employed a helicopter pilot who had worked on James Bond films to assist them.

“When we took the fort back it was the biggest adrenaline rush in my life,” Michael says. “Sliding down a rope with a shotgun around your neck is very exciting.”

After he fired one shot in the air, order was restored and Sealand was back in the hands of the Prince of Sealand, Roy Bates, who died peacefully in 2012, aged 91.

After the death of his mother Joan in 2016, Sealand was pretty much run by Prince Michael, although Penny, now 70, takes a close interest. Michael’s grown-up sons Liam and James spend time on Sealand, along with caretakers to deter potential invaders.

Through the Sealand website, knighthoods can be purchased for £99.99 and dukedoms for £499. England cricketer Ben Stokes was given an honorary lordship, along with the singer Ed Sheeran. Founder Roy has become a revered figure among Sealand supporters who see him as a patriotic ex-serviceman who fearlessly realised his swashbuckling dream to create his own kingdom, complete with its own black, white and red flag.

When a journalist once asked him why he took over the fort, Roy replied: “I’ve asked myself that question many times and I’m damned if I know the answer. But it was a challenge, and I can’t resist a challenge.”

Michael spends most of his time in Southend with his Chinese wife Mei, who served in the Chinese army. Last year he faced the rather more pleasurable challenge of judging a beauty pageant in China, just one of the many perks of being a Prince.

“Life is a lot quieter now but we’ll never give up Sealand. You never know what will happen but we’re ready for anything,” he says with a laugh. If the movie version of Sealand is made, the scriptwriters certainly won’t be short of material.

#i have this book but havent read it yet im excited that there might be anything new in it!!#anyway i dont notice any fact errors in this article which is (rare) nice!!#sealand

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escentia · 5 years

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How to build an art website

My first attempt at building an art website was in 2016. Back then I didn't know how to write a single line of code. I bought a year's hosting with Bluehost, tried setting up a wordpress site, struggled, decided it wasn't worth it, and got a refund.

One and a half years later, in 2017, I taught myself how to code for a summer internship. I first learnt Python for data analysis, but soon realised that I could also learn HTML, CSS, and the rest while I was at it.

I finished the Codecademy course for website building in three days. Half a year later I tried coding my own Wordpress site. And, at the start of this year, with Wordpress completely revamping their website editor, I fled to GitHub Pages.

Currently my site (quietdistance.net) costs me 15 USD per year since I pay only for my domain name. That's a far cry from my first venture with Bluehost, which would have cost me 120 USD a year!

If you have no coding knowledge, and are interested in making a simple website, here are some steps I would suggest.

Learn some basic website coding. It's not as hard as some might think! Codecamy has a free course which holds your hand through the entire process: https://www.codecademy.com/learn/paths/learn-how-to-build-websites

Learn Git version control. There's another Codecademy course for that, and it can be completed in an hour!

Push your website onto Github. Github Desktop makes the process much simpler.

If you're serious about this art website endeavour, register a domain name and point that to your Github site. This step is entirely optional! Your website will already be accessible via its Github URL.

The entire process is free except the very last step, which costs less than 20 bucks. This is how I wished I had set up my site in the first place -- it would have saved me lots of money anxiety and frantically phoning technical support when I accidentally broke my Wordpress site!

Many artists these days make websites with Wix or Weebly. While these drag-and-drop, what-you-see-is-what-you-get website buiders are popular, I don't like them because:

You have to pay 5 USD every month to remove the website builder branding which is kinda ugly :( And that adds up to 60 USD a year!

Their code is clunky, bloated and slow.

Your creativity is limited to what editing options they offer you. Want links that flash rainbow when you hover over them? Cool transitions? Extra plugins? They're much easier to achieve with raw code.

If they revamp their site builder you'll need to check that your design still works the way you want it to. Since their site builders are constantly being worked on, you never know if an update might break your site.

And why Github is cool:

Github doesn't use your site to advertise themselves. They're run by Microsoft and have other revenue streams, so they don't resort to using your website as their billboard.

Unlimited sub-sites! In addition to your main portfolio site, you can easily make a separate site for every new creative project -- at no cost.

It loads super fast because it's used by professional geeks. My old Wordpress site took 10 seconds to load, and would sometimes not load at all. After moving to Github, everything could load in under 3 seconds.

You can test all changes on your computer before syncing it onto the online repository. No more accidental website breakages! Github Desktop records every file change, and you can undo them at will.

And why make a website at all?

If you post art to more than one platform, you'll realise that the number of likes/shares/comments is rather arbitrary, influenced by how long you've been active on the platform, your posting schedule, whether you've been featured, and other factors.

Instead of reflecting the quality of what you create, these numbers reflect how much value you are to the platform's advertising business. These two criteria can overlap, but often they don't. Yet these numbers can affect how other people perceive your work.

Your own website creates a safe space where you have control over how your work is presented to the world. Instead of conforming to platforms designed to maximise views and advertising profits, you have the power to create a place as weird and wonderful as you want.

It'll serve as a reminder that you're not just a data point, not just a cog in the wheel. That you should draw to make yourself happy, not just to please other people. That you're a precious and irreplaceable human being.

So sally forth and create! And may it bring you joy.

#tutorial #and a personal rant

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violyntfemme · 5 years

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2018 Fic Year in Review

@perpetuallyvex tagged me. Thanks, sweetie. I love this!

1. Number of stories (including drabbles) posted to AO3: 4

2. Word count posted for the year: 220,834 (although, to be fair, you’ve become all that i’ve lost was mostly written in 2017, but this asks for fics posted in 2018 so I’ll include it)

3. List of works published this year (in order of posting):

1. you’ve become all that i’ve lost (Harry Hart/Eggsy Unwin, Explicit, Word Count: 106,457) - Being a handler does not have the same sense of pride that being the darling of Kingsman, Agent Galahad, did. Harry feels useless with his shaking hands and missing eye, a feeling that threatens to send him chasing a bottle of pain pills with a goodly amount of whiskey. He is thrilled when he finds a new sense of purpose in taking care of Eggsy, the man he loves, when he comes home hurt after a mission. Harry, finally feeling like he is someone of worth again, becomes determined to hold on to it, and Eggsy, anyway that he can.

2. i’ve found the one whom my soul loves (Merlin/Harry Hart, Explicit, Word Count: 108,630) - Although it's been a year, Ian still grieves like it was yesterday. Part 3 of the kiss me series.

3. Blanker Permission (Harry Hart/Eggsy Unwin, Mature, Word Count: 4226) -

“Oh yeah? Who’s coming over then?”

“Merlin has graciously accepted my request for a temporary care-giver.”

“Merlin.”

“Yes.”

“The man who drops people out of airplanes so he can laugh while they scream.”

“He is a very good caretaker, Eggsy.”

“The man who drowns rooms full of people for kicks. The man who, after I had a full body bruise from being thrown into a wall, gave me a bear hug. Him?”

4. painting the roses red (Harry Hart/Eggsy Unwin, Mature, Word Count: 1521) - “I was just looking out the window and I must say your garden is looking lovelier than ever.”

“Yeah, it’s cause of all the blood,” Eggsy says, grinning again, far too many teeth showing for it to be friendly.

“Pardon?”

4. Fandoms I wrote for: Kingsman

5. Pairings: Main Parings - Merlin/Harry Hart, Harry Hart/Eggsy Unwin. Secondary - Merlin/Percival, Harry Hart/Tequila, Eggsy Unwin/Tilde

6. Story with the most hits: you’ve become all that i’ve lost with 2839 hits.

7. Story with the most kudos: you’ve become all that i’ve lost with 120.

8. Story with the most comments: you’ve become all that i’ve lost with 89 comment threads.

9. Work I’m most proud of (and why): I am most proud of i’ve found the one whom my soul loves. It’s not my most popular but I love Harry and Ian (Merlin) and the universe they exist in. It was so enjoyable to bend that story to fit around canon, especially since the canon from K2 was so woefully horrible.

10. Work I’m least proud of (and why): As Vex said, I love all my babies. They were all exactly what I needed them to be when I needed them to be it.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

“Ian,” Harry calls, “come over here and tell me what you think of this lamp.”

Ian does as he is bid. He looks at the lamp. He finds that he cannot tell Harry what he thinks about it because if he does, Harry will beat him with it. Drinking himself to death seems a good option again.

“It’s very you.”

Harry smiles, pleased. “I thought so as well. I think it has a matching sister. I should ask the owner.”

“Two of them. A blessing from the heavens.”

“You hate it.”

“With the burning passion of a thousand suns.”

“I suppose you would be happy if we decorated the house with items purchased at Best Buy.”

“It would be a marked improvement on dusty relics that were ugly even when Lizzie the Virgin was on the throne.”

12. Share or describe a favorite review you received: I’m not going to share the actual review because I don’t want to embarrass anyone, but a mutual left me a review on i’ve found the one whom my soul loves while they were inebriated and it makes me laugh to this day. It was so cute and pure and I look at it whenever I need a good laugh.

13. A time when writing was really, really hard: I have a neurological condition that gives me terrible cognitive issues and a lot of pain. There were times I was typing with a brain that was mush and hands that hurt so bad I could barely move them but the characters would not STFU so it had to come out or risk losing the scene into the mushy recesses of my brain forever.

14. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: I LOVED writing Tequila and Whiskey in i’ve found the one whom my soul loves. LOVED them, especially Tequila. I specifically left their storyline open ended so I could come back to them later if I wanted to. I also love writing Percival because he’s such a sweetheart and deserves more love.

15. How did you grow as a writer this year: I grew in confidence in my won abilities and learned that the number of kudos or comments does not equal the value my writing has.

16. How do you hope to grow next year: I am working on original fiction and hope to have a the novel, the first in a series of three, well underway by the end of the year. I am currently world building and character developing right now, but it’s really coming together and has some scenes written already.

17. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc): The people who read, comment and leave kudos really don’t understand how each and every one warms a writer’s heart. We pour so much into those fics, to have someone share something they loved or click that kudos button is such a mood booster. You guys don’t even know.

18. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: There is a lot of my real personality quirks, good and bad, in my characters. Considering the traits most of my characters have, I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.

19. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: Your first draft is always crap. Nothing makes sense, people are OOC, there is spelling errors, crap dialogue, and plot holes big enough to drive a truck into. Don’t worry about it. Write it. Get it all out so everyone will stop talking in your head. Then, once they shut the fuck up, go back and edit it. That’s when it really comes together.

20. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: I am working on Part 4 of kiss me, which will be much shorter than the previous installments. I am about 3K words in and I am thinking it will be 10K maybe? I hope to have it up by the end of the month or the middle of next if it gets longer than I think it will be. I am also working on my original fiction, see question 16.

21. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read: I don’t know who is writing any more, but I will tag:

@fitzawkwarddarcy, @opalescentgold, @thegaypumpingthroughyourveins, @elrhiarhodan

because I am pretty sure you all put out some fics this year :)

Best tag game ever!

#2018 fic review #kingsman #my fics #merlahad #hartwin

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moralityblurred · 6 years

Text

from dusk til dawn s1 starters

send a number 1-120 or ‘🐍’ for a random starter, or send a sentence below the cut

“Sometimes you just get up, and you just know it’s gonna be one of them days. Open your eyes and you look and nothing but bad road.”

“Seeing how I’m stuck between no place and nowhere, the only folks come in here are the a strange ones.“

“You add it up, you see how you’re spending your life from sunup to sundown, and you make the most of that time. ‘Cause it fleets.”

“You think that I can’t get us out of this situation, like I’m some kind of amateur. I brought you into the profession.“

“It’s just you and me now. We are it, all right? And, hey, brother that is a beautiful thing.”

“You shouldn’t call people stuff! You know?! It’s rude!”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing? Are you looking to redecorate this place - in shades of red?”

“Let me ask you a question, huh? You got a wife and kids, people that love you that are gonna hate seeing you all stitched together like a sock puppet in the local morgue? Then why don’t you put that weapon down and come on out from behind there, hero? 'Cause us, we ain’t got nothing to lose.”

“I don’t care if he’s banging the first lady, okay? Get him on the line!”

“She’s not a secretary, and she hates to be called that.”

“Trust him because he sees things you don’t.”

“Now, you’re not gonna make me count to 3, are ya? 'Cause I can’t count that high.”

“I didn’t get shot so these sons of bitches could ride off into the sunset.”

“The only mistake that I’ve made is stopping my train of thought to listen to this bullshit.”

“I’ll see you on the other side, cabrón.”

“Even if you have to follow them to the gates of hell, you kill them for me.”

“You had five years to improve yourself, and you played dominos. Is that why I risked my ass to bust you out of that prison transfer?”

“If it had been you in there, you would have got shivved on your first day on account of your piss-poor people skills.”

“I don’t need people skills. I’m a prodigy.“

“Do not dismiss the importance of becoming self-sufficient. Look at the world around you, brother. It’s coming apart.”

“And the man who cannot build his own shelter or gut his own food is just courting disaster.”

“Well, I’m about to apply my fist to your goddamn face, okay?“

“Just because I live in the woods doesn’t mean that I can’t plan a job anymore.”

“Here’s to getting rich and fat. And dying in the arms of a beautiful woman.”

“You’re like a classic Freudian test case, you know that?“

“The border’s still an hour and a half away. By the time we get there, it’ll be swarming with badges.”

“You know, whenever I heard stories in the clink about you losing your edge, living out in the woods like grizzly Adams, I never really believed them.“

“Something’s coming. Something bad, and you and the rest are just a bunch of sheep sleepwalking to the slaughter.”

“Look, I know you like to grieve like you’re alone on an island sometimes, but you’re not.”

“Something happened in that bank, something that got you killing, and you haven’t stopped since.“

“Souls are like… popsicles. Some are sweet, some are bitter, some are strong, and some are weak. There’s a whole rainbow of kinds. Might as well come in a variety pack.”

“We’ll stop. All right? We’ll stop, we’ll, uh, we’ll ditch the car, we’ll get rid of the teller. And whatever’s going on with you… We’ll fix it. Okay?“

“You touch her, I will personally make sure you spend so much time in the hole, your own brother won’t recognize you when you get out.”

“The world never gave you anything. All the world ever did was take.“

“But right now, I need you to trust in the pagan power of technology and please look up that border crossing.”

“This is an ancient weapon used in ritual sacrifice. It’s been written about. Never seen. This should not exist.“

“Well, the eye-in-hand motif appears in codices going back 3,000 years. Represents the two most important gifts a God can bequeath on a man… The ability to see and the ability to take action.”

“You know, I’m not just some dipshit triggerman who screams at bank tellers to open their drawers. I am a scientist, a master tactician. I am a lock artist.“

“Did you forget that I cased that bank for three weeks? That I knew every teller’s schedule upside down, inside out? That I knew that they would be stocking that ATM when you pushed your way in?”

“You’re playing some kind of game with me. You’re trying to play a trick on me. You think that I can’t hear your voice inside me head?!”

“Yeah, I’d say this, uh, little adventure you’re on might be cut a whole hell of a lot shorter than you think.“

“She was consumed and transformed and became a mistress of the night, a harbinger of the next realm.”

“I hear things inside my head, and sometimes she talks to me!“

“This is not who we are. This is not who you are.”

“ This is all gonna be a memory when we get to El Rey. It’s gonna be blue agave… Sunshine, and beaches. Just you and me, buddy. It’s you and me.“

“For so many of us, the journey is one of solitude. We tell ourselves we must walk this arduous road alone. Face whatever comes, no matter how terrible.”

“You see, our eyes are the source of our energy. You can always feel somebody’s eyes on you, but what you’re actually feeling is their energy directed right at you. Now, what happens if you close your eyes? You cut off your energy. If you can just shut down, not only will people not see you, but they’ll see through you.“

“My daddy says a lot of things.”

“It was like you were bleeding, like you were hurting inside.”

“ Everyone should have their hero switch in the ‘off’ position. I make the plan. Everybody executes it, or I execute you. Simple as ‘Sesame Street.’"

“I’ve tuned in to something. And it is showing me the way.“

“You’re part of the last line of defense between chaos and order.”

“We’re gonna survive this 'cause we’re a family.“

“You got nothing to say, huh? That’s funny. I could have sworn you gave me an "f. u.” look.“

“My mistake. Maybe it wasn’t an "f. u.” look. Maybe it was an “I’m gonna make a move” look.“

“You see, you point at what you want to die. You pull the little trigger. Little bullet comes out here. Little bullet hits you right there. Then you don’t look like Bruce Lee anymore.”

“I didn’t know you were capable of not talking.“

“I’m a professional thief, not a killer.”

“That is the third time you’ve disobeyed my direct orders, and nearly got two more men killed for it.“

“Maybe… I’m hoping we hit 17 potholes. So I can empty this entire mag in that smartass mug of yours.”

“Look, I don’t want to have to do this, but I’m gonna have to kill 'em, okay? It’s the only way.“

“Okay, for a while now, I’ve been getting these… signals, I guess you could call them.”

“Guys like that, need to be reminded that power shifts. And as soon as I get the chance, I’m gonna shift it right up that whack job’s ass.“

“You know, a life of looking over his shoulder – isn’t gonna bring him any peace.”

“You take that gun off my brother before the ounce of forgiveness that I have on reserve goes away…“

“Now, I know that you thought you could. I do. But that was before you had your finger on the trigger, wasn’t it? You see, now that you do, you’re worried about the consequences, whereas I am not. That’s why your hand’s shaking and mine’s steady as a rock.”

“Look, if I don’t kill everybody in here, we are never gonna make it.“

“Well, maybe that’s what the voices are telling you, but they’re not calling the shots right now, okay?”

“You three stay out here with the devil’s rejects, have your own little altamont.”

“You do not close a deal behind enemy lines, [name]. You do it on neutral ground.“

“And you think you’re better than me? You too good to have a drink with a common thief?”

“Now, like it or not, we are a family… A broken, messed up, sad excuse for a family.“

“We ain’t got to shoot anybody in the back to make a statement.”

“You just sat down to the table. It’s a little early to fold your hand.“

“You kept saying somebody was calling you here, right? What did you mean by that?”

“Rinche, you’re early to the party, and I don’t remember seeing your name on the list.“

“Obsidian. So much more than steel. It’s a dark mirror. It showed you things, didn’t it?”

“I want you to see this place for what it really is. I want you to feel what I’m feeling.“

“I’m your goddamn brother, and you treat me like I’m the ugly stepkid in the attic.”

“Let me ask you this. Is this really where we belong?“

“No. I’ve seen them in a vision, but I have no clue what these things are.”

“Turns out, you’ve been a part of this club before I even knew it existed.“

“We’re standing on sacred ground.”

“I could feel her inside my head, and she was pulling me close. And, yeah, I think it was to this place.“

“You need a PhD to figure that out?”

“You’re one rude little bastard.”

“35. You did the last one without me, big papa, and it got you tossed in the can.“

“You’re so up your own ass right now.”

“Trick is to find the light again, share it with those you love before it’s too late for all of us.“

“Do you honestly think that I would be here if I was gonna bail on you?”

“So that’s what she taught you to do with your little knife. Back-stab.”

“I’m getting real sick of you calling me a traitor.”

“I wanted to show you who I was on my own terms.“

“You’re stronger now. I’ve drawn that out of you… steel sharpening steel.”

“That was a cruel and ugly thing to do to an innocent girl.“

“These stories are just ancient history to most people. But I always believed the power they spoke of was true.”

“Now, I can do ‘Temple of Doom’, man, but ‘Crystal Skull’, I’m out.“

“There’s nothing but death and misery that way.”

“Time’s like a ribbon… Finds a way of knotting itself into a bow.“

“You’ll be an immortal among mortals, a king among men. You’ll have everything you’ve ever wanted. All you have to do is ask.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard this story before… young girl plays lost and afraid, hooks a guy, and he falls in love with her. He’ll do anything to protect her. Next thing he knows, he’s lying face down in a swimming pool, reading his own narration.“

“You’ll become more than you ever were… Beyond fire and water… Beyond light and dark… Beyond dusk and dawn.”

“Sorry, brother. Things are about to get a little weird.“

“Whoever has the purity of mind to withstand the trials will be deemed worthy.”

“You made it personal, and that’s why you blew it.“

“You don’t believe he can be saved, do you?”

“We were gonna keep you around for inside information, but there’s been a change in plans. You’re going to serve a higher purpose.“

“You have no idea what I live with day in, day out.”

“Sooner or later, we all dance with the reaper.“

“I think our trickster brothers are trying to pull a fast one.”

“The serpent is filled with her blood. She’s inside me now, [name].”

“I don’t know who you are anymore. I don’t know what you are.“

“[name], something evil and vicious has taken hold of you.”

“When you bite someone, it’s like… it’s like you can feel their life run right through you.“

“I could never hate you as much as you hate yourself.”

“How can I imprison someone when I’ve been in chains my whole life?“

“Do you think it’s possible for someone to change their fate?”

“You know, it’s funny this whole thing kind of reminds me of this job that we pulled about seven years ago in Cheyenne. Yeah, it didn’t just go sideways. It went three ways. We pulled it off, though, didn’t we, brother? You remember Cheyenne, don’t you?“

“You taste like sh1t, by the way.”

“You ever find that beach and blue agave, you let me know. Maybe I’ll come join you.“

#rp memes #rp ask memes #rp sentence starters #rp sentence meme #inbox meme #ask meme #( meme. )#( reposts this from ro's old blog cuz i'm deleting it )#( queue. )

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kimarefan-blog · 4 years

Text

Top 5 Most Comfortable Sneakers For WIDE FEET!

All right so I know I can't be the only one that decides if issue is actually comfortable depending on the width of the shoe so because of that I decided to do a video on my top 5 comfortable sneakers that are wide foot friendly let's go ahead and get into the video what is going on guys has here collective kicks calm.

If you guys want to shop this week stop sticker deals check the link in the description as well as if you guys want to shop any of the shoes that I discuss in this video friendly to us wide footers out there so before we get into the video though I want to let you know that this is obviously very very subjective so just because I say that these are wide foot friendly shoes does not mean that they're 100 percent perfect for you as you guys all know you all have different feet so if you guys have other suggestions that I'm not mentioning in this post leave a comment let other people know.

Do You want to Buy baby shoes Before purchasing Visit This Website And Get Know information about best shoes for babies with fat feet.

What shoes that you guys think are really nice for people that have wider feet now that we got that out of the way let's go and get into my top 5 shoes for comfort that our wide foot friendly alright so the first shoe on this list is the adidas alpha boost it has a really wide base on the bottom of this shoe which makes it really really nice for wider feet Li's for myself these felt really good on feet the content on the rubber traction is actually a really nice plus on the bottom and it does have a breathable mesh upper as well as a very comfortable boost midsole as you already know boost has a lot of cushion for the pushin and it feels really good on feet this one has a good amount on this shoe this is also a really versatile shoe so if you can only afford one shoe like this one you can go running it can workout in this shoe you can wear this shoe casually as well.

Which is why I like the fact that it has kind of an all-in-one feel to the shoe price point is 150 dollars but I have been posting them on sale for as low as 1 20 so far I bet they will go down in price one other thing I wanted to mention is these we're pretty easy to get on my feet I definitely like a shoe that's loose and easy to slip on and there's enough of a hole around the ankle area that you should be able to slip these on with no problem but it is very versatile for running walking and these are very lightweight so it is my number 5 spot on the countdown moving on to the number 4 spot we have the New Balance 99 this shoe is super wide foot friendly it definitely feels like a dad shoe it's just super comfortable shoe as soon as you put them on and I know they're not the most attractive shoes out there but,

Honestly I don't really care because as soon as you put them on your feet I don't know what it is about the shoe but I feel like a super dad like one I'm like okay I definitely feel like these are like the barbecue fives or something like that they're just super comfortable and you know I had to run and chase my kid on his bike and then we're really comfortable for that as well there was no break-in period they have suede and mesh the reflective hits the New Balance is actually really nice and then made in the USA proudly on the tongue there the tongue is massively huge easy to get on the way I have them lace and I always double lace the top you can see I put the lace through the top hole the second time and then it pulls the laces down and that's pretty much it they're super easy to slide on pass the no hands test you just slip them on and go comfortable shoe price point on these are a little bit high though.

I will say you'd be better off buying the v4 instead of the v5 but both of them are great and honestly the new balance line in general this isn't the only one that you guys will find comfortable with New Balance there's a whole bunch of other ones on the market from New Balance that you guys can't find really comfortable and even on their website they do have different widths that you could choose when you buy the shoes so for those extreme white footers check out New Balances site tons and tons of options for wide foot people but these do have a durable upper a well cushioned midsole and a really nice insole to the shoe as well they're definitely more comfortable than expected the price point on these retail at 175 dollars though the price is a little bit higher alright so coming in at the number three spot we have one of my favorite shoes of the year so far and this is the nike react presto super-lightweight really wide foot friendly very very nice on feet and crazy-crazy comfort with the react mid sole they do have real minimal traction and one thing I will say is that if you're looking for a shoe that's more versatile and one that you can wear to the gym as well like.

Get Information Here about shoes for babies with fat feet.

I wouldn't lift weights in these shoes for some of you guys you might do it but I think that they're way too flimsy in the toe box area to lift weights or anything else so this is strictly a casual shoe in my opinion but they do it really really well especially for that price point only 120 dollars you get a huge amount of react in the bottom of these shoes and they're definitely wide foot friendly is for myself I was really surprised by this shoe when I try them on because I personally think they're really ugly looking a lot of people don't agree but I just don't like to look at these shoes but on feet it didn't matter because they were so incredibly comfortable it is definitely a very free feeling when you're walking around with these because of the stretch upper some may like it some may actually not like it but at the end of the day an amazing shoe in my opinion and for wider feet it looks and feels really really good so moving on to the number two spot one of the most expensive ones in the countdown $300 at retail but the easy boost 700 is super wide foot friendly definitely a chunky dad shoe you could see the width of this shoe I mean it's just ridiculous and they feel really really good on feet I actually do like to even go up a half a size in the toe box section for these ones so I get a 9.5 true to size or sometime.

I'll get a size 10 either way I'm happy but I honestly do prefer the 10 if you do realize that you got them one that's too snug you can always remove the insole and adds a little bit better feel to the shoe especially in this section right here which is normally where I feel the most tension for my feet in sneakers so take the insoles out and then this section should feel better thumbs up if you guys did not know that and maybe that little pro tip helped you out a little bit but all in all I think this is a great shoe it's a chunky dad shoe vibe for sure obviously this is a waverunner colorway so it is the one that a lot of people really like with the 700s even with the restock will be interesting to see.

What people think about these after August because they are restocking the masses even for kid sizes from what it sounds like so definitely looking forward to that rumor is that the price point will be only 250 at retail but regardless it is a comfortable boost encased midsole as you could see right here they're very wide foot friendly and I think that these are definitely for non-athletic usage so definitely for casual only but maybe if you guys go running in these I don't know it looked honestly ridiculous I'd love to see somebody run a marathon in 700 so I'd be hilarious there's also the v2 version that I've done a review on I compared the v2 geode right here to the v1 mob colorway and if you guys want to see that video check my channel out or just search geode and mob and you guys should be able to find my Post.

Great shoe one that I have quite a few colorways in and one that I actually really like and they feel really good on feet the number two spot on the countdown alright so we made it to the number one spot on the countdown if you guys and the video please give the Post a thumbs up as well as leave other comments for other wide foot friendly shoes that you guys find as your go-to shoes that I did not mention in this countdown because it could have been a top 10 these are just five that I figured would be the essentials or great ones for you guys out there so number one spot wait a minute I know it looks like the wave runner because I did the customization on my Nike monarch's and the number one spot has to go to the Nike monarch for wide foot friendly shoes it's a fan favorite of dads everywhere grandpa's uncles as well no seriously like everywhere you go you see old people wearing monarchs.

Regardless they're really really comfortable and I know why they wear them they're super wide foot friendly but they're also really really relaxed and they feel good just casually they're just all-around great shoes these also come in different widths but all-in-all the nike air monarch is one of these staples and the cornerstones of nike in general it's one of the top selling shoes from nike of all time from what i understand so pretty pretty crazy to know but the funny thing is the monarchs have been picked up by sneaker heads as somewhat sort of a mockery but at the end of the day the joke is really on everyone else because they're super comfortable like this shoe is super comfortable to wear it's one that.

There you go for shoes for chubby baby feet.

I've worn a handful of times and I really like them but but that is the number one spot for wide foot friendly sneakers what shoes did I miss on the countdown I'm sure there's a thousand other shoes that people like well these ones are great on feet and they're comfortable to leave those comments in the comments section and let me know if you guys like to see more post like this.

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illustratedbydae · 7 years

Text

Writing Prompts #2

In honor of 500 followers, I’ve put together a new writing prompt list ! Request anything you’d like ( fandoms; Disney/Descendants/The Lodge , Once Upon a time, The Flash, Supergirl , Pretty little liars, Riverdale, Shadowhunters, DC, Marvel, The 100 etc ) and please when you request add the number & the phrase along with the request itself , thanks !

also dont worry, I’ll also finish writing the requests I already have 🙊🙈 + my own fan fiction, just be patient !

This is a new writing prompt list, as a thank you for getting me to 500 followers !

1. “ We’re not gonna talk about this ever again, okay? Okay. ”

2. “ You really try to get me killed, don’t you?”

3. “ I’m not a thief, I never knew I stole your heart !”

4. “ I always wanted to see you once more, but I never thought it would be like this . ”

5. “ Please, just let me be there for you, once. ”

6. Person A: “ I’m bitter and complicated. It’s one of my charms. ” // Person B: “ I don’t think you know what that word means. Or how to count. ”

7. “ Whether you believe in me or not, I continue to exist. ”

8. “ You keep pointing that sword at me and blabbering on about how much you’ve wanted to kill me, I’m beginning to doubt your commitment. ”

. 9. “ Why is it so hard for you to accept that I do love you?”

10. “ You loving me is the scariest thing on earth. ”

11. “ I never thought you’d be doing something like this. ”

12. “ I beg your pardon? I can be bad-ass, just like you. ”

13. “ Don’t you dare leave me again. ”

14 . “ I never liked you in the first place ! ”

15. “ You took everything I had, how can I forgive you ?”

16. “ You’re acting happy all of the sudden, who died ? ”

17. “ I can’t love him. He’s the enemy. ”

18. “ Leave me alone! Can’t you see I’m a monster ?”

19. “ You bought me an isle, how did you even made the money for it ?”

20. “ I didn’t agree with this kind of shit when I said I’d be your fake boyfriend/girlfriend. ”

21. “ I don’t do ‘dating’, sorry. ”

22. “ I never believed in love, until I first saw you. ”

23. “ Who had this crazy idea ? We’re all going to die here !” / “ It was your idea, idiot ! ”

24. “ Any more dragons that need to be slayed ? / No, thank you!”

25. “ She/He is the biggest risk in my life. ”

26. “ I don’t choose pain. I choose life. ”

27. “ All my life I was afraid of water and you threw me into the damn ocean !”

28. “ Slow down, I’m not going to have more than two kids .”

29. “ You’re my extraordinary relationship. ”

30. “Of course we’re best friends. No one else would put up with our shenanigans.”

31. “That’s the nice thing about telling the truth. You don’t have nearly as much to keep track of.”

32. “Never heard of that being used as a murder weapon before.”

33. “I know this may be hard to believe, but I’m on your side.”

34. “You’ve got thirty seconds to explain to me what you’re doing here.”

35. “How could you do this to me?”

36. “Ah yes, come in. Close the door behind you.”

37. “Hey… what’s wrong with your face?”

38. “No, it’s really not that complicated. He’s a bad person.”

39. “You think you’re so good-looking, but deep down, you’re the kind of ugly that PhotoShop can’t fix.”

40. “What? I meant it as a compliment.”

41. “You found it on the beach? You know, when most people take a walk on the beach, they pick up seashells.”

42. “That’s the least of your worries.”

43. “Do you trust me?”

44. “Let’s face it, you don’t exactly blend in.”

45. “Forgive me if I’m misreading things, but do you want to make out?”

46. “I feel like we’ve met before…”

47. “Does he hit you?”“After we lost you, things just weren’t the same.”

48. “If you were logical you would’ve killed me already.”

49.“Well, that could’ve gone better.”

50. “Sometimes I feel like she’s still at my side.”

51. “Well aren’t you the cutest little thing?”

52. “Careful not to break the—oh.”

53. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but yeah.”

54. “I thought you had him!”

55. “Humility is not one of my many virtues.”

56. “Where did you learn how to do that?”

57. “I didn’t ask to be abducted.”

58. “Why are you helping me?”

59. “That’s the worst reason I’ve ever heard to have a baby.”

60. “I didn’t even recognize you!”

61. “Is it worth breaking your vows over?”

62. “I told you not to read that.”

63. “I would break his thumbs right now if I could.”

64. “I know you’re here. You may as well show yourself.”

65. “Sorry. You’re the first person I’ve spoken to in ten years.”

66. “What makes you think it was an accident?”

67. “Sweetie, what were you thinking?”

68. “I love you, but I don’t even think I know who you really are.”

69. “I thought we were friends!”

70. “I should have told you this a long time ago.”

71. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this.”

72. “Where are your clothes?”

73. “I can’t believe I used to think he was attractive.”

74. “I hope that what I’ve said hasn’t hurt you too much.”

75. “No! I’m tired of doing what you say.”

76. “Well, this is where I live.”

77. “She’s been missing since Friday and you’re not worried?”

78. “Go and live with her, then! See if I care.”

79. “You must be mad, coming here like this.”

80. “Sweetheart, what did you bury in the garden?”

81. “I’ve been waiting a long time for you.”

82. “You were always the quiet one.”

83. “This isn’t just about you. It’s about what’s best for all of us.”

84. “Am I supposed to be scared now?”

85. “ You’re paying a small price compared to what she’s/he’s going through. ”

86. “If you do this, you will be dead to me.”

87. “Try focussing more on your life and less on mine!”

88. “I don’t think I could live alone again.”

89. “I’ve been checking you out.”

90. “You’ve only heard his point of view. You never asked mine.”

91. “What a thing to say - and on my birthday!”

92. “Oh my God. You’re in love with her.”

93. “I don’t often get the chance to talk to someone like you.”

94. “ Of all the people, you fell in love with him/her. ”

95. “ If we’re going to do this there’s no turning back.

96. ” I’m my own hero. “

97. ” Never, ever, in your life do that to me again !“

98. ” I can’t trust you, you tried to kill me !“

99. A; ” We’re like Romeo and Juliet,“ / B; ” You’re aware they died in the end, right ?“

100. ” You left me. You left me alone ! How could you?“

101. ” He’s/She’s the biggest risk in my life. “

102. ” You’re everything I want. “

103. ” We’re going to be parents ?“

104. ” If she’ll find out you’re here, she’ll kill you.“

105. "Don’t be scared. I just need you to come with me for a minute.”

106. “You came back!”

107. “Oh yeah, you really told him, didn’t you?”

108. “I just want a nice, easy life. What’s wrong with that?”

109. “What’s your problem?”

110. “You first.”

111. “In my next life, I want to come back as a butterfly.”

112. “Why do you have that look on your face?”

113. “You should have seen it coming.”

114 “You’re going in there right now and apologize"

115. “When was the last time we had a real conversation.”

116. “You’re big and strong.”

117. “I’m so sick of all this gloom and doom. Why can’t people just be happy?”

118. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate the thought.”

119. “I never, ever want to hear you say that again.”

120. “Don’t just stand there looking at me.”

121. “ I choose you. I’ll always do ”

122. “ Please come back to me, you’re all I have. ”

123. “ I thought you were different. ”

124. “ I can’t let myself love you anymore. ”

125. “ Is she/he my child ?”

126. “ I wasn’t able to forget you, what we had, our love. ”

127. “ I beg your pardon ? I can defend myself pretty well!”

128. “ You made me addicted to you !”

129. “ He/She broke my heart. I don’t know if I’ll ever want to feel that again. ”

130. “ You’re my future. ”

#disney descendants #disney #shadowhunters #supergirl #the flash #dc #marvel #the lodge #ouat #pll #hevie #jayvie #carlos x evie #writing prompt list #writing #request #pls

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c-mac · 7 years

Text

Imagine Prompts

RULES

Request numbers or say the exact dialogues that have been written

Say what character, from the Descendants fandom along with being a VK or AK and if parents matter

If you have an idea with the dialogues and would like me to write it, I'm all ears, well maybe fingers

That’s it and I'll get back to it soon as possible :

1“Oh eff you.” “I know you would.”

2“But your smile is important to me.”

3“I love you, but this is unacceptable.”

4“How the fuck did you fit a panda bear in a closet? What if it died?” “It’s not real.” “You’re not real.”

5“We both know who’d win that fight.”

6“Danggg you look hot in that shirt-I mean is it cold in here? Wait what cold? I meant hot. Holy crap you look amazing.”

7“Frick.” “Why don’t you curse?” “There’s a story behind it.”

8“Tell me you love me.”

9“Is this fake?”

10“Did you ever truly think I was worth it? Worth all this?”

11“What if time hurts us?”

12“What if I hurt you?”

13“Pizza looks better in that shirt.”

14“Is that a compliment?”

15“I’m *insert emotion/condition*” “Nice to meet you *insert emotion/condition* I’m potato.”

16“I LOVE YOU PETER PARKER.” “BABE THAT’S NOT MY NAME.” “OH RIGHT.”

17“How much does a pig weigh?”

18“I would tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.”

19“Smart people know what icup means.”

20“Get your gnarly ugly feet off my couch.”

21“Stop looking at me like that, it’s your fault anyway.”

22“I thought I could trust you.”

23“That was a perfect example of how not to do things.”

24“It’s 8:30, I have a hangover and you’re annoying me.”

25“So much for not getting involved.”

26“I will if you will.”

27“I didn’t intend to kiss you.”

28“Prepare to be amazed.

29“It’s not like I missed you or anything.”

30“Never mind, the moment’s gone.”

31“You’re an idiot. I’ve met smarter sandwiches.”

32“Why are you/we whispering?”

33“If you really loved me there wouldn’t be a choice.“

34“Now, just hold on a diddly darn minute.”

35“It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself.“

36“If you walk out that door… don’t you ever come back”

37“Don’t you die on me”

38“I wish I could stop loving you”

39“I could hold you forever”

40“I’m in love…crap”

41“Will you lay with me beneath the night sky?”

42“You know what sucks? Realizing everything you believed in is complete and utter bullcrap.”

43“I’m vulnerable when I’m with you, but you make me feel secure. Is this contradiction of emotions supposed to be love?”

44“Is that… lipstick, on your collar?”

45“Yeah uh - Yeah no, that sounds awful.”

46“Dear (name), First of all, I’m so sorry. I really am.”

47“So what, you’re just gonna leave?”

48“Did you honestly think I wouldn’t figure it out?”

49“Hey, can I hold your boobs for a sec?”

50“I think I may have found a song that accurately describes how I feel toward you.”

51“Go float yourself!”

52“Do you think we’re bad people?”

53“Just smile, I really need to see you smile right now.”

54“STOP INTERRUPTING ME!

55“Give me a chance.”

56“I messed up.”

57“I came to say goodbye.”

58“May we meet again”

59“I’m so in love with you.”

60“Isn’t this amazing?”

61“Catch me if you can!”

62“Are you drunk?”

63“Of course I remembered!”

64“You owe me.”

65“It’s just your imagination.”

66“I can take care of myself just fine.”

67“Since when have we ever been friends?”

68“We’re not just friends and you know it.”

69“Just talk to me”

70“Just shut up and kiss me.”

71“If we get caught I’m blaming you”

72“Do you want to kiss as bad as I do right now”

73“How long do we have?”

74“How did we become this?”

75“Am I ever going to see you again?”

76“You make me feel invincible.”

77”Love isn’t perfect and that’s okay.”

78“Are you ever going to tell him?”

79“Just let me in. I promise I won’t hurt you.”

80“I didn’t mean what I said.”

81“Don’t look at me like that.”

82“I’m pregnant and I don’t want to lose you.”

83“What do you mean you love me?” “I mean that I love you..”

84“Why are you so secretive?” “Why aren’t you?”

85“I need a place to stay.”

86“I’m too sober for this.”

87“Good thing I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

88“No. Regrets.”

89“Leave me alone.”

90“That tattoo is hot.” “It is?” “Yeah, makes me wonder…” “Wonder what?” “What else you’re hiding.”

91“I never meant to hurt you.”

92“You need to leave.”

93“I wish I’d never met you.”

94“I can’t stand the thought of losing you.”

95“Can I kiss you right now?”

96“Don’t touch me.”

97“Not sure if you could tell, but I’m not exactly a people person.”

98“Was I really that drunk?”

99“Did you hear that?”

100“I hate how much I love you”

101“I don’t want you to stop.”

102“We need to talk.”

103“Does he know about the baby?”

104“That’s starting to get annoying”

105“You can’t banish me! This is my bed too!”

106“I’m not going anywhere.”

107“I’ll keep you safe.”

108“How did you find me?”

109“I don’t want to talk about it.”

110“Please, don’t cry.”

111“If you had asked me to stay, I would’ve.”

112“I didn’t do it!”

113“I did it…”

114“I don’t remember that!”

115“This is girl talk, so leave.”

116“Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.”

117“You’re too good for this world.”

118“There’s nothing I can do anymore.”

119“It doesn’t matter. You’ve moved on and I have to be okay with that.”

120“I don’t want to feel like this tomorrow.”

121“Are you kidding me? We’re not fine!”

122“I’m here for you.”

123“Don’t leave me behind.”

124“I have to tell you something.”

125“You can’t just sit there all day.”

126“Not everyone is out to get you. Stop thinking that. It’s annoying.”

127“I hate you.”

128“I don’t need you anymore.”

129“I wish we could stay like this forever.”

130“I’ve liked you for awhile now.”

131“Are you flirting with me?”

132“Is that my shirt?”

133“Are you mad at me?”

134“Are you cold?”

135“I had a bad dream again.”

136“Do you think I’m scared of a woman?”

137“Where am I going? Crazy. Wanna come?”

138“Don’t argue. Just do it.”

139“Kiss me.”

140“Wait a second. Are you jealous?”

141“Oh my god! You are in love with him!”

142“I wasn’t going to wait around forever.”

143“This is all my fault.”

144“You deserve better than me.”

145“This isn’t fair!”

146“Could you be happy, here, with me?”

147“Do you wish things had happened differently?”

148“Something’s clearly wrong.”

149“Keep your eyes on me.”

#disney descendants #mal #evie #jay #carlos #harry hook #uma #gil

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bitter-sweets-tragedy · 7 years

Text

Why I have it

Well, as many people may not know, I am suffering from an eating disorder. While writing this at 4 am I am sitting here thinking why I have tortured myself with it. Why I constantly worked out and restricted the best I could with low blood sugar. For all my lies, skipped meals and plenty of tears, pain and fears to last a life time, here's why I have it. 1. Because my boyfriend (now ex) at the is thin and another thin tiny girl hit on and all he did was smile. 2. Because of my childhood bullies who constantly reminded me how fat, stupid and ugly I am. 3. Because of my chubby face 4. My ex best friend began losing weight and rubbed it in my face 5. The smiles I now get from everyone 6. I had four guys in the same week ask for my number (even my crush at my workplace, but he's also a fuckboy I've now learnt 🙄) 7. Because I'm described at my office as "Em, the tiny girl short girl" 8. To be the smallest in my family and I don't mean height wise 9. Because as a child I went from clothing meant for kids that are bigger (la senza girl) to adult lathes and extra large. Never getting the chance to fit in small and medium clothes. 10. From never finding shoes that fit and were cute. 11. For my thick thighs rubbing 12. How proud I made everyone in my family when I lost the weight. 13. How jealous I made my family when I lost the weight, I remember when I hadn't seen my nana and grandpa in 8 months because we couldn't drive up north for Christmas due to bad weather so when we went down the following June/July my nana's mouth dropped as soon as I walked in. She was jealous of me the entire time because how thin I was. 14. Because being 5'1 (155 cm) weighing in at 168-170 is not healthy especially for being under 18. 15. Because I didn't believe I was beautiful 16. Because no one ever made the first move on me. 17. Back problems, I couldn't support myself that well as I had larger breasts. 18. How much nicer I'm now treated by everyone 19. The shock people have when they realize I'm actually fairly smart. 20. For being able to do sports and workout again. 21. For trying work to become comfortable in my own skin 22. So I wouldn't have buy my bras from specialty stores 23. Being told that I am a tiny girl while shopping at PINK/Victoria Secret 24. For being the size small/medium instead of large/Extra Large 25. Being able to wear whatever kind of clothing I wanted without being ashamed. 26. Wearing bikinis confidently instead of being ashamed. 27. Shorts 28. Being a size 6-7 in clothing such as jeans 29. People ask me to be in photos, such as today when I was sitting with my co worker and she pulled out her phone and took photo with me just because she wanted to. 30. For all my co workers whose mouths dropped when they saw my photo I took with Shawn Mendes when I was 16 (so 2 years ago) and they saw how much weight I lost. One girl even pointed it out. 31. People ask me for exercise, gym and nutrition advice (I of course do not tell them to starve them selves, I took plenty of cooking classes in high school so I told them everything I knew from what I learnt in classes on healthy eating) 32. Because the fuck boy I had a crush on looks at me as a little princess ( not in a bratty way if you know what I mean 😉) 33. Because my ex boyfriend telling me how beautiful I was more often when I lost the weight 34. Watching how protective he became. 35. When I worked at Tim Hortons, all my co workers used come up to me and compliment me constantly on how much I lost 36. Money saved 37. For how proud my gym teacher was in high school for how hard I worked in gym class and accomplished my goals. 38. For being the cute nerdy girl instead of the fat nerd girl. 39. For feeing my hip and wrist bones 40. For finally having collarbones!! This one is big for me because I never have seen mine. 41. Being asked and sometimes even begged to have dessert because of how hard I've worked. 42. Because I now get compared to Barbie but short 43. Because the popular girls in high school became x15 times nicer towards me when I lost the weight and even began befriending me before we all graduated. 44. For how people think I'm wearing foundation (this is more of a not having acne or very little acne on my face) 45. My prom dress in February when I bought it was a size small (it was super stretchy for some reason) and when I put it on again in June it did not stretch at all and It was even a little lose 46. How my side bangs look now that my face is slimmer 47. Not always being so hot 48. For ankle bones 49. For when my ex boyfriend best friend told me I wasn't fat but I'm short so I look extremely chubby. 50. Too finally feel confident and comfortable in my skin. Despite all the pleasures I got from this, if I had the chance to turn back time and lose weight the healthy way, I would have. 100% because now all I have is -Fear foods -Fear of calories in food -Being able to calculate how many calories I've had in a day even without an app -107 day streak of constantly putting in what I ate -Fearful friends and family who worry of my eating disorder -Still very low blood sugar -Bruising. Everywhere. -Headaches -constantly being over whelmed with food and calories - constant shakes (from low blood sugar and anxiety) - Worsen depression - Excessive exercising - My my begging me to try to maintain weight instead of lose (once I hit 120, she asked me to maintain and to stop losing because she feared how bad it could get. I ended up losing about 5 more pounds putting me at 115 -Obsession with my weight -Hangry -Love of water - Hunger pain -Skipped meals -crying when I had to eat a oatmeal raisin cookie (although I love them) -Putting every single thing I ate even the tiniest bite of something into my food diary app -Missed desserts -how disappointed I was when I didn't hit 130 on my 18th birthday. -I get irritable and sometimes even mad really quickly because of hunger -Thinspo -Worsen anxiety & depression - Dark circled around my eyes -Parents checking on me to make sure I have ate -Worried friends and family with the fact I may have a eating disorder and how fast I lost weight -One the reasons my ex and I broke up is because he was appraising me for my eating disorder (before you say omg what an asshole, I don't think he realized what he was doing or meant to encourage me down this path. He just meant to support me during weight loss journey) If you feel like you may have an eating disorder please for the love of whatever god you worship, get help. Get the fuck away from this side of Tumblr. Save yourself. If you worry about your weight (even though your perfect the way you are) please do it in a healthy way and don't let it become your obsession. Please.

#thinspiration #depression #depressed #sadness #save me

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msf-diamond-dog · 7 years

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You're going to hate me BUT 1-199

199: I was born in: 1994198: I am really: Annoying197: My cellphone company is: Tmobile196: My eye color is: Brown195: My shoe size is: 11 1/2 I think194: My ring size is: I have no clue193: My height is: 6 feet192: I am allergic to: Nothing as far as I know191: My 1st car was: A white nissan truck190: My 1st job was: Comicon189: Last book you read: The Last Wish188: My bed is: Comfy af187: My pet: Doggo 186: My best friend: Prolly my sister185: My favorite shampoo is: idc184: Xbox or ps3: PS3 183: Piggy banks are: rad182: In my pockets: headphones, keys, wallet181: On my calendar: numbers180: Marriage is: rad179: Spongebob can: die now please178: My mom: is rad177: The last three songs I bought were? Two were Zao albums and a Korn album176: Last YouTube video watched: A Lego one175: How many cousins do you have? 8174: Do you have any siblings? A younger and an older173: Are your parents divorced? No172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes171: Do you play an instrument? Yes, bass guitar170: What did you do yesterday? School[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: no168: Luck: nah167: Fate: yeah166: Yourself: nah165: Aliens: kinda164: Heaven: yeah163: Hell: yeah162: God: yeah161: Horoscopes: nah160: Soul mates: idk159: Ghosts: nah158: Gay Marriage: yeah157: War: thats a loaded question156: Orbs: sure?155: Magic: nah[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: why not both153: Drunk or High: drunk152: Phone or Online: online151: Red heads or Black haired: either150: Blondes or Brunettes: either149: Hot or cold: cold148: Summer or winter: winter147: Autumn or Spring: autumn146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanillz145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: apples143: Curly or Straight hair: either142: McDonalds or Burger King: buger king141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: white140: Mac or PC: pc139: Flip flops or high heals: either138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor137: Coke or Pepsi: either136: Hillary or Obama: obama135: Burried or cremated: cremated134: Singing or Dancing: singing133: Coach or Chanel: neither132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: neither131: Small town or Big city: small town130: Wal-Mart or Target: targer129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: neither128: Manicure or Pedicure: neither127: East Coast or West Coast: west 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: christmas125: Chocolate or Flowers: flowers124: Disney or Six Flags: six flags123: Yankees or Red Sox: neither[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: again, loaded question121: George Bush: 9/11120: Gay Marriage: good119: The presidential election: a joke118: Abortion: its either takin a shit or killing a baby117: MySpace: fine?116: Reality TV: usually hate it115: Parents: i have good parents114: Back stabbers: lame ass cowards113: Ebay: fine?112: Facebook: minda annoying but goods111: Work: work is good110: My Neighbors: pretty rad tbh109: Gas Prices: i need cheaper gas108: Designer Clothes: too expensive107: College: bullshit for the most part106: Sports: i dont like sports105: My family: i love my family!104: The future: will hopefully be good [ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: yesterday102: Last time you ate: i just woke up so like 12 hours ago101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: uhhh it's been a while100: Cried in front of someone: about a month ago99: Went to a movie theater: i think it was like february?98: Took a vacation: i like never go on vactions97: Swam in a pool: years96: Changed a diaper: never95: Got my nails done: never94: Went to a wedding: uhhh 2013 i think93: Broke a bone: never92: Got a peircing: not yet91: Broke the law: fireworks on the 4th90: Texted: like 2 seconds ago[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: out of my friends probably matt88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my family tbh87: The last movie I saw: uhh unbreakable86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: winter85: The thing im not looking forward to: writing papers84: People call me: dj83: The most difficult thing to do is: anything that involves getting out of bed82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope81: My zodiac sign is: gemini80: The first person i talked to today was: jana79: First time you had a crush: uhh i think i was 1178: The one person who i can’t hide things from: my sister77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday76: Right now I am talking to: jana75: What are you going to do when you grow up: die prolly74: I have/will get a job: fucking soon hopefully73: Tomorrow: is sunday72: Today: saturday71: Next Summer: will prolly suck70: Next Weekend: will blow69: I have these pets: a dog! but our house has another dog, two birds and two cats68: The worst sound in the world: squeaking snow67: The person that makes me cry the most is: uhh i dont talk to them anymore66: People that make you happy: my family and friends!65: Last time I cried: about a month ago64: My friends are: the best63: My computer is: slow62: My School: wayland baptist university61: My Car: a white nissan truck60: I lose all respect for people who: cheat, lie, purposefully hurt others59: The movie I cried at was: never cried at a movie58: Your hair color is: black 57: TV shows you watch: a lot. favs are the office, always sunny, archer, and bobs burgers56: Favorite web site: tumblr and youtube55: Your dream vacation: germany 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: emotional53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium rare52: My room is: fairly clean51: My favorite celebrity is: don't have one50: Where would you like to be: germany atm49: Do you want children: yeah!48: Ever been in love: yeah47: Who’s your best friend: my sister46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl friends45: One thing that makes you feel great is: pills tbh.44: One person that you wish you could see right now: jana43: Do you have a 5 year plan: nope42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: nah41: Have you pre-named your children: nope40: Last person I got mad at: uhh my sisters friend39: I would like to move to: i like it here for the most part. i couldn't leave my family38: I wish I was a professional: musician[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: dont really have one!36: Vehicle: old muscle cars35: President: dont have one, man.34: State visited: arizona or tennessee!33: Cellphone provider: verizon was pretty good32: Athlete: dont have one31: Actor: dont have one30: Actress: dont have one29: Singer: jon davis28: Band: korn27: Clothing store: dont have one26: Grocery store: i like fry's mostly25: TV show: too many24: Movie: atm, get out23: Website: tumblr or youtube22: Animal: dogs!21: Theme park: dont have one20: Holiday: christmas!19: Sport to watch: dont like sports18: Sport to play: dont like sports17: Magazine: gameinformer is like the only one i read16: Book: dont have one15: Day of the week: saturday14: Beach: any!13: Concert attended: oooo korn and rob zonbie I think.12: Thing to cook: i like to cook anything!11: Food: dont have one10: Restaurant: dont have one9: Radio station: i hate the radio8: Yankee candle scent: idk man7: Perfume: i dont know! honestly probably more interested in the person wearing it6: Flower: orchids!5: Color: blue!4: Talk show host: prolly conan3: Comedian: louis ck!2: Dog breed: huskys1: Did you answer all these truthfully? yeah!Thank you Jana! 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