#i should probably get a therapist instead
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can we have rafe try to grovel ?? :((((( shy reader deserves better !!! <3 https://www.tumblr.com/erwinsvow/751213087399510016/what-if-rafe-ever-hit-shy-reader-from-built-up?source=share
he will grovel!! side note i dont know how i feel about this its just for the sweet anon who wanted part two
the moment rafe shuts the door and traps you in the room, between his body and the wall, you know some part of you has just broken that you'll never fully be able to fix.
everything in your body tells you to look up at rafe and do something. slap him back, push him away, turn around and storm out of the room and try to at least show him you're just as mad as he is—but none of that actually happens.
hot tears keep spilling down your cheeks, and you stay frozen like that for what feels like forever, staring at the floor of rafe's bedroom. the sound of rafe's heavy breaths fills the space, though you can barely detect it over the way your heart is pounding in your ears.
you want to leave. but you don't know where you even would go. before the events of the last hour, there was no where you wanted to be more than wherever rafe was. and now, staring at the floor instead of up at the boy who you had gladly given your heart to only for him to snap it in half with his bare hands and deliver it back, you stay frozen, waiting for rafe. you are always waiting for rafe.
"kid, i-" you finally look up, through wet lashes and almost painful eyes fluttering slowly, and rafe stops talking the moment you do. you don't know why, but it doesn't take you long to figure it out. there's a mark on your cheek the size of his hand, probably an imprint from his ring too.
it's such a shame—you always loved that ring.
you snap out of your thoughts when rafe keeps talking, though there's still blooding rushing in your ears. he sounds muffled, his mouth moving and expression looking, you can only imagine, somewhat close to yours—sad and angry all blended together. you keep blinking slowly, listening but not really listening, waiting for him to finish so you can leave.
how stupid you must seem to him, and to yourself, you think pathetically. he just hit you, and you're waiting for him to finish, so you don't impolitely interrupt. you should drive straight from tannyhill to a therapist's office—though you think not even a licensed professional could help you figure out what exactly is wrong with you.
the thought makes you laugh, corners of your mouth turning up and a rush of air leaving your throat. half a laugh, half a sob. the gutting realization has just hit you—whatever was wrong with you, rafe was the only one in the world who seemed to understand you.
"baby?" rafe asks, and you actually snap out of it this time—looking up at your boyfriend, wondering if he knows you haven't heard a single thing he's said so far.
"i think i should go home," you reply, wondering where your keys are and where your wallet is. you don't keep track of these things anymore, usually since rafe drives you everywhere and pays for everything.
"okay. i'll bring you, just let me go get-"
"no, i-" you stop yourself—about to apologize again. everything running through your mind makes you choose your words carefully. "i'm gonna go home."
"you didn't drive here, kid. i picked you up, remember?" rafe looks back at you and you feel a fresh wave of tears take over. you hadn't remembered.
"oh."
"listen, kid, i'm so-"
"i'm going home," you repeat firmly, mostly to yourself. "i'll just-i'll walk."
"y'not walking. it's dark and-"
"rafe, stop." the way you say it, he actually listens. you don't sound like yourself, you can tell from the way he looks at you, rafe's face doused with concern and apprehension. you look away, turning to face the door. "i'll be fine. i need to go."
"c'mon, kid, don't go," he says, and every bone and muscle inside you wants to listen, to do what he says like you always do. you feel more hot tears coming up, stopping them seems impossible yet you know crying is useless. it already happened and the damage is already done.
you turn around from your position, knowing it's a mistake. rafe gets closer, his hands coming up to cup your cheeks. he holds your face like he always does, except there's one big difference—you flinch the moment he starts moving.
"baby," rafe says quietly, and everything in you stops for a moment. brain lagging, breath catching, even the tears stop for a second while you look up at your boyfriend. "i'm so sorry. i am so sorry. i fucked up, okay? i know i did, but please don't go."
"rafe, i can't stay," it comes out just as quietly, a notch above a whisper. "you hurt me." it comes out wrangled in a sob. rafe wipes away some of your fresh tears with his hands.
"i-i know. and i'm gonna regret it forever, but-" rafe stops, and you stop too. you chew on your lip nervously, realizing it's going to bleed from how much you're biting down. "can-can i at least bring you home? please?"
"okay," you give in-but you shouldn't have.
you don't even know how you're gonna explain the mark on your face to your parents, or why you're home so early when you said you were sleeping over. every movement feels exhausting—grabbing some of your things and walking down the stairs to getting into rafe's truck. the drive to your place isn't very long, only ten minutes, and you stare out the window the whole time. it feels like hours with the way rafe looks at you at each red light.
rafe pulls into your driveway and you look up at him expectantly, though you're not sure why.
"can you-can you turn the headlights off? i don't want them waking up," you say, after what feels like ages of silence.
rafe turns the lights off but doesn't say anything. it's not until you reach for the doorhandle that he does—it's almost muscle memory for him. he leans over you to pull the handle and open the door for you, but you flinch so hard when he moves that he can't even get the door. instead he looks back at you while you stare up at him. without any words, you both know what the other is thinking.
"goodnight, rafe," you say, your own hand on the door now.
"wait, kid," he says, and you stop your movement immediately. even in this situation, you can't help but listen. "can i see you tomorrow? please?"
"i don't think that's a good idea."
"c'mon. we-we have to talk about this. i can't just.. not see you. i'm gonna go crazy."
"i need to go rafe." the second you say it, you start feeling bad about it. it's so engrained in you—trying to avoid hurting rafe in any and every way possible, that the very idea of not giving him what he wants makes your chest ache painfully. "i.. i have to think about it."
he leans over, slowly this time so you don't get scared again, opening the door for you like he always does. you climb out, getting your bag and trying to pretend everything's fine until you get inside your room.
"good night, kid. i'll talk to you tomorrow."
without replying, you walk inside. rafe's truck stays in your driveway until you lock the door, and he doesn't drive away until minutes after.
surprisingly, you make it to your room before you start crying. and you don't stop crying until the sun comes up.
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Batkids but instead of being pigs they're first responders.
Obviously Dick should be a firefighter, I'm not the first to come up with this and it's so brilliant. Overworked, underappreciated, the backbone of society. I get that he was a cop so he could investigate the corruption at BHPD, but there are other ways. I just think that the self sacrificial part would call to him.
Barbara would obviously be a 911 operator. That one is self explanatory, it's half her job.
Cass could also be on the Firefighter team, probably in the maritime rescue unit. She's vibing in her little boat zooming around the toxic waste of Gotham Harbor. Unbothered queen.
Jason would be specialized in dealing with shock victims and handling the psychological part. I'm not sure who handles that in US, but some time of on site counselor/therapist. You know, the guy that talks to victims before the police starts questioning. He is the most emotional of the Batkids and I want to see him channel it towards compassion more often (kinda like how he's always kind to prostitutes, the homeless and children in canon).
Steph would be in CPS handling the victims that are minors, especially providing legal advice and helping to protect them from police bullshit. Either that or EMT with Tim.
Tim would be a very stressed EMT. I'm a sucker for Tim working in the medical field. Based on what? Vibes. Also he's been physically fucked up so much in canon I think he could get a degree from personal experience. That or 911 operator with Barbara
Duke would be Firefighter, but particularly the search and rescue expert. In hard cases with little to no evidence he uses his powers to find out where the missing person went. He has to be careful not to get caught tho.
I think Damian would want to be either a 911 coordinator (he is the natural choice of a leader of course TT) or an actual ER doctor because his father never finished school and Alfred (grandpa) already had a place saved for the degree so someone has to graduate. If he actually got it he would give so much shit to the others for dropping out.
#batfam#dick grayson#barbara gordon#cassandra cain#jason todd#stephaine brown#tim drake#damian wayne#damian al ghul
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the day i stop diagnosing myself according to whatever stupid video i saw on instagram will be the day i find peace
#sorry i saw a reel i could relate to but it was talking about [unspecified disorder] and it really freaked me out#the thing is i know i'm fucked in the head and i should probably talk to a proper professional therapist about all that#but when i feel good i'm like ahh whatever i'm managing perfectly fine on my own i don't need that#but then it gets bad and i'm like well.#and then i start trying to be my own therapist/diagnostician instead of fucking going to one (which doesnt work ofc)#but it feels like such an overwhelming thing to do so i will continue not doing it <3#anyway i was gonna log off for the day but i got so freaked out i had to let it out somewhere lol byeeeee
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uhm a quick summary of the 2024 Monaco go sponsored by my reaction pic folder
Lance
Kevin
Charles
Checo
Oscar
Carcar
#....i have issues i should probably adress with a therapist but instead tumblr gets them!!!#jonah talks f1#monaco gp 2024
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Wondering why your life sucks when everyone else has a good job, a house, and kids and you're 34, have a job you hate but refuse to go back to school, are on your second marriage, have ADHD, and likey have undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder be like:
#honestly I should probably be getting out the DBT workbook and that book about how BPD and ADHD interact and work on those#but why do that when I can bitch and fish for sympathy on the Internet instead?#also I say undiagnosed but my therapist is pretty sure I have it#we just haven't been able to find a psychiatrist who can do the official diagnosis
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I've read your tags on a few posts, and I just wanted to say, you're not alone, you are doing your best, and I am so proud of you for keeping on trying despite the hard circumstances. I see you trying. Trying is the working hard part. I know jobs sucks painfully sometimes, but no matter what, you find something to keep going for.
It really is the little things in life that bring pleasure. I am proud of you for even going back to school. I believe in you. And just like a mentality of 'work hard at your job till you retire' is spread, so is a 'never give up, and if you do, you're a quitter, and a quitter is a failure' mentality. I just wanted to say it is absolutely okay to know when to give up sometimes. You are not your mistakes when you were/are mentally ill. You are loved, supported and going through a tough time right now and need all the love and support you can get, and I wanted to remind you to give yourself the same amount of grace, love, affection and support too.
tumblr seems pretty adamant about not letting me reply to you (probably bc my reply is waaaaaay too long 🫣) so the only way i could make it work is by taking screenshots. i apologize in advance for the huge wall of text, the small font and the overall incoherence. and i deeply, deeply thank you for your kind words. take care and stay safe 🩷
#thank you i'm sorry i love you 💌#i probably should tell all this to a therapist or my journal instead of strangers on the internet..#but the tumblr girlies understand me like no one else#i should've just thanked you and moved on but the words just kept coming out of me like a waterfall... again i'm sorry and thank you so muc#replies#anonymous#when sad#keep forever 🗝#i basically spent the whole afternoon writing this reply and trying to post it 🥴#my first reply was WAY better and so much more coherent this is so all over the place but it was still good to get it out of my system
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.....................i just found out that none of the payments i've been making for my therapy appointments have been going to my deductible
awesome
love that
#i know i should have checked on this sooner but it's just been hard to get around to#and now i'm just confused like...where have all those payments been going then?#how are claims supposedly being filed and yet...my insurance doesn't have any?#whose insurance is it going to then?#sucks because i've been paying in cash too and don't have any bills of service#so there's literally nothing i have to show on my end that i've been doing my part#i just...am i being scammed?#i hope to god not because i really like my therapist but like...this sucks#i know her accountant had some family issues and was out for a while#which is also why i wanted to give her a minute to get caught up#but like...at this point what the hell#like i should probably be halfway through or at least have put a dent in my deductible#and once i meet that everything's covered 100% which would help me out a lot but like#i have a bad feeling we'll get this sorted out and the solution will be i just have to start over again#i hope to god not#or i may just have to stop going to therapy because this....sucks#also as an aside i've been super depressed lately and thought i'd cheer myself up by dyeing my hair and it....#looks like absolute shit#i tried to just lighten it with powder and developer and all that instead of bleach because i thought it would be easier#and now it just looks awful and feels awful and i'm still probably going to have to bleach it anyway#awesome!#love that#love this situation#love being alive#love it all so much
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i’m such a dickhead sometimes LMAO (complaining in the tags)
#erm this should probably be a diary entry instead of a tumbly post but.#i don’t understand the blocks i have in my mind about certain things like answering texts and getting my lisence …. like it doesn’t#make sense to me! i want to do these things! why don’t i do them!!!#SAD! well i really ought to get a therapist at this point -_-#smoke detector
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somebody tell me to go take an ibuprofen
#i’ve been sitting here for three hours in immense pain due to cramps because APPARENTLY I STILL GET MY PERIOD FOUR MONTHS ON TESTOSTERONE#and thinking to myself i should probably go pop an ibuprofen. but instead just waiting for the pain to go away#i’ve cried three times and. should probably talk to my therapist about why i deny myself relief when i’m in pain or sth lmaoooo
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Not my passive suicidal ideation making a comeback 🤪 Bitch, I thought we left you behind after last summer
#m rambles#tw suicidal ideation#😗✌🏻#I should probably definitely call my therapist#but why do that when I can feel like shit and ruin my last month on campus instead?#literally have no idea how I’m going to survive having a ful#*full time job#I should probably be talking to someone about getting medicated for depression again but I REALLY don’t want to do that#it fucked me up pretty bad last time because I suck at taking medication consistently#I don’t know I’m just falling behind in school and I’ve missed class for three weeks and I’m fucking exhausted#I’ve lost more than a letter grade in half my classes#I just want a horrific accident to happen to me or something so I have an excuse to put shit on pause#or to float in the ether until I’ve forgotten all my responsibilities and I can feel okay again#spring break fucked me up dude god#I didn’t even lie in bed the whole time like I usually do#I was actually healthy and balanced#but the transition back has been awful
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hmm
#weird thing ive noticed#so when i was Really Severely Depressed in high school#i used an app called daylio to journal my emotions n shit#and my most common entry was 'neutral'#which i always defined as ':/'#but then later when i was more recovered i realised that that 'neutral' was actually Bad#idk how else to describe it other than- feeling nothing or less than nothing or simply an absence of happiness#i just thought 'well i dont feel Good™ so clearly this is neutral'#when really my 'neutral' should really be Okay instead of Meh :/#took me a long time to say 'i feel okay'#like genuinely that was a massive milestone was saying 'i feel *okay*'#not 'i feel happy' or 'i feel good' but just. okay#turns out 'okay' is the neutral for most people. not :/#so now whenever i get days where i'm :/#i'm able to say 'i feel Bad' without even having to think hard#(honestly I say a lot of 'i feel' phrases a LOT. it's like.. the only way for me to process shit?)#(like- 'i'm tired' or 'i'm hungry'- i'll say them out loud without even physically noticing the feeling)#(and my brain goes 'oh yeah! we are! we should fix that' that's how i exist)#but i've noticed i've been saying 'i don't feel good' way more frequently lately#probably the seasonal depression idk#idk if i actually have acutal seasonal depression tbh coz my depression was way more general and not time-based#but i've been calling it seasonal depression coz it's just#mounting anxiety and dread bc i know winter is Bad For My Health#idk.#you know. i was supposed to be set up with a therapist back in august.#fuckers never called me back.#sucks too coz that counseling center actually had a booth at Pride when i went so i was really excited to go there :/
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i should try to bring bibliography about all the things that give me anxiety to my next therapist, maybe this time they won't think i'm mega phobic of everything
#when covid started my therapist was saying that it wasn't going to be a big deal then she was requisitioned (?) bc she originally trained#as a nurse so she had to go take care of people i hospitals when there was literally morgue trucks parked up in the streets#i didn't get therapy for about 6 months then i found someone else and she was a bitch that insisted that i was freaking out and had phobias#including agoraphobia bc i didn't want to see anyone irl inside that i didn't live with#mind you this was before there was a vaccine#at one point she agreed to do sessions via skype#then she said i had to come back to her very little not ventilated office#i said no#so she said she wouldn't take me anymore bc i wasn't making efforts lol#such a bitch i should have reported her#anyway covid is dangerous and climate change will probably cause our civilisation to collapse in the next 3o or 50 years lol#there's science proving it all maybe if therapists wanted to ignore science they should have taken litterature instead lol
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#too afraid to press send#personal#i should probably get a therapist#instead of trying to make friends
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complicated transgender feelings over being the only kid of my family who didn't get a baby book
#also hilarious that i was the one who didnt get a baby book. like of Course i didnt get one#theres pretty much only one picture (#at least that i have out of the. three. that i have)#that id be comfy showing people bc i have a plausible short haircut in it#but like it would be nice to have something for myself y'know. i wouldn't look at it often by any means and i have a very complicated#relationship with who i was before i started medically transitioning and especially before i started figuring shit out#forget where this was going either way this should probably be said to a therapist instead of tags lol
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i am getting started on productivity for the night but haven't figured out yet if i want to write or art first and there's also the tiny part of my brain that just wants to stare at kabru until it is ok to stop staring at kabru
#i don't talk about fandom stuff much here since i don't really get involved with it#but i do fixate on characters and right now i am circling around him like a wolf#tempted to draw him too but i can never capture his big beautiful eyes properly#i've also been tempted to draw beefcake laios but UHHhh thats for another day and i dont know if i will share that LOL#i finished the manga but i haven't had the energy to watch more of the show so i'm just thinking about the characters on my own and going :#also contemplating if i should draw a pride pfp (unrelated)#basically there is so much to do and it is overwhelming to work through the list#and i keep wanting to add more to it#also need to promo my commissions again more and add those sketches still but trying to figure out how to price them and don't have the#energy to type up explanations for them yet blagh#and i'm trying to balance that “realistically- i need more income coming in” with also “but i can't overwhelm myself with tasks”#<- which is very unambiguously clear that i do that just fine even without working on things for other people#is it obvious that my therapist relocated and i haven't been given a new one yet.#i can therapize myself So Good (actually overthinking and spiraling)#<- but please do not worry this is actually not a bad spiral which is good it is just a “things to do” spiral but it is fortunately#missing the key component of doom and horror and the world ending because i did not accomplish everything right#which is what a bad spiral contains and i've actually been on a pretty good streak avoiding those lately in spite of circumstances!#but if i linger on it it will probably turn into a lie so i will stop doing that#speaking of shows i watched the new episode of kaiju no. 8 today and i am just aggghrrhekrjskfj#i love hoshina so much#and he's been getting a lot of focus in these episodes so im happy#i love the way they animate his fights like!! wow#i need to watch them all on sakugabooru later#but i can't tonight if i want to do things#but i will later because they deserve frame-by-frameing#also i'm going to go pick up two volumes of wind breaker tomorrow i think#unfortunately i ordered them before i learned my hours were getting cut but#i have enough to cover my bills this month and since i'm not buying lunches or dinner for myself anymore because i'm not leaving the house#i'd rather just get them now instead of worrying about someone else buying them if i take too long#and let that be my last personal purchase for awhile
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One of my highschool classmates posted a selfie on facebook and . She got so many plastic surgeries i didn't even recognize her
#like jesus christ if i didn't see her name i would have not recognized her at all#she got a lip job a nose job that. thing they do with your cheekbones idk what it's called#like who are you??#also not to be a hater it's her body she can do whatever she wants with it but when ya get so many surgeries that you're no longer#recognizable#then you probably should look for a therapist instead of a new plastic surgeon
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