#i really truly am getting better but i just hate social media so much i need to throw my phone into the ocean and never look back | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

theprettynosferatu · 8 months

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Oh, you're awake. Finally. Please, look at the picture on the screen.

You recognize her, I suppose. Look at how silly she looks, trying to be tough, trying to look cool. All that leather and black and studs… doesn't she look ridiculous?

I see you nodding. Good. The special drink is grabbing hold of your brain. Making it softer. Malleable. You really should be more careful about accepting treats from strangers… but I suppose you won't have to worry about that anymore. Or anything else.

Now, let's look at your social media. Lord, isn't that pathetic. Trying so hard to be clever, to be snarky, to be rebellious. It's almost endearing, like a puppy trying to walk in its hind legs. Come on, we both know it's all just a costume, don't we? One you've worn for so long you mistakenly believe it's a personality- one you developed when you were a teen. One you need to grow out of.

Please, don't struggle. The knots are quite secure, I assure you. I've done this too many times to count. Why are you resisting, anyway? Do you truly, deep down believe this personality of yours is worth saving? Worth fighting for? Doesn't it just look as the pathetic attempt by a dumb girl to pretend to be something more?

Ah. I see you squirming. Was it the "dumb girl" comment? I suspect it was. Your pussy knows I'm right, and it's screaming its approval. It's screaming for you to accept its truth, pulsing with neediness and wet with anticipation… I wonder what it is about that word. “Dumb"... it does have an effect on you, tough girl. Dumb. Silly. Stupid girl. My oh my, is that a moan that just escaped your lips? I’m sure it was. Feeling softer, are we?

Softer indeed… I’m sure you can sense it still… the way it’s becoming harder and harder to focus. The way a pink cloud seems to be permeating your consciousness. The way you half-perceive the faint scent of cotton candy. The way you are getting more and more soaked by the second.

Oh, stop struggling. Tell me, why do you hate it so much? The idea of actually being a cute, silly, horny girl? I can see it in your eyes- the loathing. The searing, pure anger. Why, though? I suppose you are imagining all those girls, those popular girls, those slutty girls, those bimbos that soaked up all the attention and the praise. Am I wrong? I don’t think I am. But I do think you are hiding. Yes, hiding what really happened. You tell yourself a story, one that makes you look good, or so you think. That you’re better than them. Stronger than them. More independent than them. A free thinker! A rebel punk feminist! But that’s not the whole story, is it now? No, we both know what really happened. You surrendered.

Yes, that’s it. Your eyes can’t lie, you know. You surrendered because you could never, ever be like them, be as giggly and flirty and free- so you decided you wouldn’t compete with them on their own terms, and modeled yourself to be their opposite. How pathetic is that? Even in your resistance, you could only be defined by them, by your rejection of them. You became their dark mirror, and soaked in the attention of the leather-wearing so-called “punks” and the geeks and all the other rejects. But you know why they even looked at you: because the other girls, the pretty girls, the girls in pink wouldn't even deign to turn their gaze towards them. You were always… what they settled for.

You think I’m being cruel. Well, I won’t deny that I get some pleasure from throwing the truth at your face. It’s always so much fun to watch you all fight, and moan, and deny that they would do anything, anything at all to be able to finger fuck yourselves to oblivion… But believe me, my cruelty has a purpose. I wouldn’t be doing this to you if I didn’t have a higher goal in mind. A benevolent one.

I can take it all away. All that resentment, that anger, that anxiety… that constant, pointless quest to be… what? A professional? A successful woman? An independent soul? Please. That’s only so much set dressing. I can strip those delusions from you, give you what you really want.

Imagine it with me. Tight white jeans showing off your ass, the shape of your legs. A pink tank-top, proudly proclaiming yourself to be a princess in tacky, gold lettering. The men turning their heads as you walk. Everyone being so nice to you at parties… because they want to see you on your knees, licking and sucking and worshiping their cocks, because they want to bend you over and use your slutty pussy as their plaything. And you… you would love it.

No more fear. No more stress. Just the bliss of sucking three cocks, going from one yummy dick to the next, squeezing your titties together to give them the spectacle of their lifetimes. And then your cunt being filled, that hole you now hold your rage in given meaning and purpose by becoming a living set of holes for men to use, sensing the simple, plain joy of knowing you are doing what you were meant to do with your life. Knowing you are wanted. Desired.

I see you’re drooling. Sounds like you like my little proposal. Well, there’s one simple way to sign this pact with me. You don’t even have to speak- speaking seems so hard now, doesn’t it? So keep quiet and let your slutty body do the talking for you. Keep your mouth open.

There. Good girl. Doesn’t my cock look tempting? Amazing? Like you could just suck it forever? Yes, good girl… now, let me fuck your mouth- and know my cock is only the first of many. Too many to count.

Then again, by this point you can’t count too high, can you?

Did you enjoy this story? You can support my work at patreon.com/prettynosferatu !

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cinefairy · 1 year

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move with love, not hate.

you cannot hate the person you are now to become the person you want to be.

often times we are our worst critics, we criticise everything about ourselves from the way we talk, walk and move around in the world.

we do this because we think we are not up to par with our peers and the people around us or what social media thinks society should behave like. i know personally for me i would set out a certain high standard for myself and whenever i failed to reach that standard i would just be absolutely cruel to myself.

this brought me nothing i wasn’t doing well mentally and i wasn’t doing well physically because i had battered myself with cruel words. hating myself was one of the worst things i ever done to myself. i ended up treating myself like someone who didn’t deserve love, respect and warmth when in fact i did deserve all those things (and still do).

and its not like i didn’t try to be happy & love myself, i tried many times. i looked deeply at myself in the mirrors trying to force myself. but thats the thing, i was forcing myself. would someone who truly loves themselves force it? no, self-love flows through effortlessly, without trying its a beautiful thing that doesn’t need to be forced but expressed naturally.

it was like a battle in my mind, i was fighting with myself. i never accepted, i never let go i was holding tightly to my own self-hatred and even more so i was hating myself for not getting better. for not thriving like others, i think i was so upset and hurt that i just wanted to continue fighting with myself. it was the only response i knew in stressful situations, it was like a reflex response.

it wasn’t until i made the decision to continue, despite it all where things started to look up for me. no i didn’t go on a rampage of self-love affirmations but instead i accepted myself as i am.

i accepted the things i was pushing down and hiding away from. i accepted that im not like other people and that everyone including me is on different journeys in their lives. theres no point in me comparing.

i accepted my messy and “unpolished” self. i accepted that i have crazy emotions that can override my rational self. i cant be horrible to myself over stuff like that i can only grow and be kinder.

“yes maya, right now you are messy, right now you are going up & down and living with a ton of emotions. that is what a normal human being is like.” — A snippet from my diary in February, 2020.

YES YOU ARE A HUMAN, YES YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES. AND YOU ARE BOUND TO MAKE MORE MISTAKES. YES YOU HAVE FAILED. MANY, MANY TIMES. BUT THAT STILL ISNT A VALID REASON TO GIVE UP ON LIFE.

with this new acceptance i was finally able to let go with the old self. it didnt bring me down, i wasn’t holding onto it. it felt like a weight being lifted off my shoulders, it felt like i can finally be free. that im no longer in the shackles of my past, i released it and with that release came a new person evolving.

once i made this decision, i treaded lightly with myself. when things went wrong i wouldn’t immediately jump to dispute hate onto myself. when i implanted love in my routine i saw myself changing therefore the world around me was changing.

this new-founded acceptance allowed me to bring in pockets of love, i loved how i still had a long journey ahead of me. i loved how i still have so much time to grow. i loved how i can still have setbacks in my life but get up every morning and try again. i loved how the option of starting again and finding myself was always available.

hate brings nothing good, love brings all. love brings new meanings, new memories, new soul adventures, new ways to find things that you really love. new people. its a beautiful thing that we can all experience deeply.

#law of assumption #manifestation #affirmations #dream life #manifesting #neville goddard #void success #void success story #void state #life goals

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allsadnshit · 1 year

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I think what a lot of people do not realize is that community and being able to live with others is for most of us completely necessary. I know there's lot of people who claim to be better off alone and I won't speak for them but even just in terms of survival and not even emotional existences, we do NEED a society and other humans to live. It's like a team sport where it really really sucks to work with people you don't like and you even sometimes have to cooperate with people you actually hate but it's not optional most of the time and we have to be willing to compromise and so many people really reject that idea. Being able to tolerate someone else I don't agree with isn't something we all do because we want to or out of the kindness of our hearts...it's about how we want the world to function and tolerance is often completely necessary.

Someone not having the same morals, ideals, or politics is not something we can completely ban or get rid of every time and even when there is separation for necessity and safety, people still need rights purely as humans. I remember growing up thinking that jail was a pretty black and white simple concept of only bad people go to jail and obviously they shouldn't be able to make decisions with the rest of the world because they are bad! And I don't think I really truly understood what it meant to strip someone of their basic human rights till I was already an adult and starting to understand the different complexities of incarceration and removing the ability to participate in society in any form and how slippery of a slope it actually is.

I think covid has brought so much of that out of people and you can really see how much people feel like other people are disposable, and I am not speaking for one side of politics either. I truly mean that on both sides, the consideration that someone else's life experiences and opinions on themselves and those they love should be treated with dignity is really lost on so many people who've felt under attack to the point that they treat everything as them vs us when most of the time that's not actually the case.

It makes me really really sad when i continuously see people treat their world views as holier, more compassionate, logically backed, and overall more "good human" than someone else, even though I know that anger is often out of defense and fear.

I can't bring myself to not care about other people or not see them as people in general and I think a lot of what I see in the media and on social media really tries to make it seem normal to disqualify life and opinions outside of our own and I do not think it's humane or a livable approach to the reality of being animals that need one another for survival.

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butch-reidentified · 7 months

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wife & I finally watched Killing Eve, and I am just utterly 🤯 by how much of myself I see in Villanelle. the nuances of her reactions, her sense of humor, interpersonal relating, etc., all of it is genuinely deeply relatable. it's the first time I've ever actually truly related to a fictional character overall, rather than just 1 or 2 aspects of a character. as weird as it sounds, it feels like actually very wholesome representation? honestly, I've never really understood why people get attached to fictional characters and even kind of used to make fun of it. I never felt like there was much to relate to. but my wife and I both see it, this dude they consulted for her on-screen character obviously really knows his shit (yeah, this dude, fucking somehow).

him???? kinda pissed ngl. and I'm definitely gonna contact him lmao

but it's undeniable. it's most clear in the subtlest little moments, the little things she does like dumping salt on the curly fries she's sharing with Eve as a playful reaction to an "offensive" joke, the pranks she plays on Konstantin, the things she finds funny, the lack of response when her life is in danger, being ambivalent about prison. and of course the bigger things are just as accurate, and so much better done than any other media portrayal I've seen before. the constant need for escalating stimulation, the s-tier "commitment to the bit" regardless of the situation, the curiosity about herself, the boredom and resulting curiosity about the "normal" human experience & wondering if you can be like them - maybe even convincing yourself for a while, the truth of having some people truly matter to you but at the end of the day you know you're still able to hurt them, the enjoyment of social game-playing - specifically with others who are also knowingly playing social chess* (manipulating unaware people is not entertaining & frankly reminds me of the ways men tend to seek affirmation of their power/superiority by "punching down").

*and enjoying working + thriving in fields where this is required of EVERYONE

I'm posting this a bit late at night in the hopes it's mostly seen by the mutuals who actually come to my blog not just see this on dash, bc this /is/ weird as fuck for me & I'm not super stoked about EVERYONE seeing this, but I have made a commitment on here to challenge myself with consistent and total honesty to the best of my ability. it /is/ disorienting and exciting in its own odd way. but I'm not sure I hate it.

oh, and in s4 when she kills a bunch of women's abusers? the implication throughout the show that she DOES feel some type of way about (at least) 1 moral issue - misogyny? fuck OFFFFF bro wtffff

#mine #emotionality #female psychopathy #psychopathy #female violence

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peachymilkandcream · 7 months

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Break Me Slowly|Part 14|Yandere Levi x Evelyn

(A/N: Part of me has been avoiding this simply because I'm a dub watcher so I haven't seen the new episode and I've been kinda avoiding social media to not get even more spoiled than I've already been. However, degenerate Levi and Evelyn cannot wait! Also hit up my inbox I am in such a writing mood help me out!)

WARNINGS: noncon, dubcon, manipulation, domestic abuse, yandere themes, forced marriage, forced pregnancy, stockholm syndrome, violence, mind breaking, misogyny, etc.

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The candles were dimmed as the end of the day drew near. Poor sweet Levi just continually worked himself to the bone, and without his wife nearby to keep him in check he was pushing himself to the limits. His loneliness had gotten the better of him, which is exactly what Petra had hoped for, especially when she enters his office.

Immediately the smell of alcohol hits her, the whole room assaults her nose with it. Petra wasn't sure if his blushing bride new about his bad habit, granted, he had really cut down after marriage but clearly he needed a woman's touch to keep him in check. Her footsteps are silent as she creeps up to him, his head was down on the desk asleep, never had she seen him so peaceful. Her fingers caressed his cheek, trying to wake him up as softly as possible.

Being the light sleeper he always was Levi woke easily, stretching to loosen his shoulders. Petra was shocked to see him in this state, Levi prided himself in being well kept and professional. It looked like he hadn't slept in days, his dark circles more prominent. Stubble lined his jawline, a rare occurrence for the man who hated facial hair since he deemed it "unhygienic". His clothes were wrinkled and he stunk of liquor. What had happened to the Captain she knew and loved? How could one woman reduce him to such a sad state? Rage burned within her as she thought about how much Levi had suffered since Evelyn left.

"Oh, Petra, it's you. I guess I fell asleep. Don't worry I'm going home." He starts to stand when she pushes him back down into his chair, he stares at her in confusion, not expecting this. "Excuse me?"

"Oh Captain.." She laces her voice with charm and suggestive tones. "You poor thing, you look absolutely worn out..." Reaching behind him, Petra gently rubs his shoulders.

Levi frowns and twists out of her grip. "I'm fine thank you. I'll just head home and rest."

She giggles, trailing her fingers along his sleeve, working her way up to his chin and circling his ear. "You're so tense Levi, and lonely...my heart goes out to you, and I feel like I have to help..."

"I appreciate your concern Petra, but really I'm fine. It's been a rough week but I'll make it."

She pushes past him and sits on the desk in front of him, her legs parted just enough for him to see the fabric of her panties. Much to her annoyance he glances and then bounces his eyes away.

"Get off my desk." He states plainly.

She throws her head back to laugh, exaggerating it enough to try and give him the hint. He was so adorably dense sometimes he didn't even know how much she wanted him. "Come on Levi, don't be like that."

"For the last time, Captain."

Petra bites her lip. "Captain~" Her tone is sultry and she bats her eyelashes at him.

"Better. Now off my desk."

"Or what? Are you going to punish me?" Oh how does she hope he does, he seems like the type to get a kick out of that.

Levi sneers slightly, not liking her tone at all, and dressed the way she was, he should get out of here before she gets the wrong idea. "I think it's time for me to leave." He tries to be at least semi-polite, she did work hard enough for him she deserved some respect.

As he stands to leave, Petra acts immediately, wrapping her arms around him and pressing her lips to his. Fireworks in her head explode, her dreams coming true, his lips were even softer than she thought. Truly Evelyn didn't deserve to have this slice of heaven every day, and Petra bet she didn't even appreciate it like she should.

However all of her high hopes would come crashing down as Levi aggressively pushed her off, sending her back on the desk. The look in his eyes was different, he seemed, different. She had seen him angry before, but never with this level of rage. Face to face with his wrath she understood how some Scouts quietly transferred to the Garrison regiment after having a run in with the ruthless Captain.

"How dare you- What could have possibly possessed you in thinking it would be already to assault me like this!?"

Now she's the one scrambling for answers, a way somehow to calm him down. "You seemed really lonely, I thought I could give you some comfort-"

"Do I need your fucked up version of "comfort"?! What part of 'I'm a married man" don't you understand you stupid bitch!" His eyes were glaring with hate as he inched towards her.

Petra started to tear up, never had Levi treated her with such aggression and coldness, he had never taken it this far. What had she done to deserve this treatment after all the things she'd done for him? Evelyn had changed him, surely that was the reason why they both had started acting differently after that fucking wedding.

"You're not yourself Levi, you're just lashing out because you're needy, you haven't been the same since your wedding I thought things were going wrong-"

"You're even more stupid than I thought." He continues his advance, the veins in his hands bulging out of his skin. "I have never been better since marrying that woman. Do you hear me? The best fucking thing I ever did was decide that girl was mine. You think I could want you over her? She is perfection you scum. I want a woman who will fight me tooth and nail while I hold her down and fuck her until she looses feeling than a whining lapdog. You get that Petra? You're nothing but shit under my boot, I kept you around because you do your job well. But apparently you lack an ounce of common sense that would think I'd take your loose cunt over my wife's. The fact you thought I was low enough to be unfaithful to my wife is the highest form of an insult. You disgust me." He pushes past her. "Now get out of my way."

As he walks out of his office Petra watched him wipe his mouth with the back of sleeve and spit onto the ground. That was what he thought of her kiss, it was revolting. Little did she know all this would cause was Levi throwing his weight around so Erwin would agree to up the extraction date and bring his wife home.

Hurt, rage, grief all filled her. She knew now that any chance of having Levi was gone so long as Evelyn was alive. Part of her admired him for being so true to his marriage, but the sting of rejection was still prevalent. Lost in her own thoughts she barely recognizes the solution until it presents itself in her head again. That was it, as long as Evelyn was alive. If she fixed that problem, then it would level the playing field. That was what she had to do, eliminate the problem.

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Peace in the Braun household was shaky at best, she was one of them sure, but still an island devil, Evelyn supposed in time that would opinion would change. Although that was never the real purpose of her mission, while the surprise pregnancy had thrown a wrench into it, she still had a job to do. It wasn't about them liking her, it was about them trusting her enough to wander around and hopefully find Eren so she would at least have something to report back.

Her room was really Reiner's, him being the gentleman and offering to sleep on the floor downstairs to make sure she was comfortable. The first night was the worst since she could barely sleep, always thinking she heard Levi's footsteps on the stairs or him moving in the shadows of the dark. A good portion of the annoyance her fellow housemates felt was no doubt attributed to her screaming in the night when it felt like the shadows were reaching for her.

She was ashamed, but more often than not these nights ended with Reiner checking on her and him sleeping on the floor beside the bed by her request. Evelyn couldn't help but feel guilty, despite everything she was married, and while their marriage was hell her thoughts conflicted as far as if what she was doing was adultery. However the fear that gripped her every night soon outweighed her doubts of what Levi would think.

Truthfully, she had deluded herself into thinking that she would just never find Eren and have to remain here. While freedom was limited due to her Eldian blood at least it was existent. She was no longer imprisoned in that forsaken house, left to the scorn of the staff and Levi's whims. Her taste of freedom was precious and treasured, she hoped he never came back. If she deluded herself in this she could do the same for when the child was born, delude herself into thinking it was someone else's. Maybe she could have a half decent rest of her life.

It had now been a few weeks since Evelyn had come to Marley, she felt that if anyone, Reiner trusted her. Whether it was guilt over the past or something different she wasn't sure. She found herself in the quiet wondering what would have happened if she came back with Reiner and Bertholdt all those years ago, he had a boyish crush on her back then, he was older now, would anything have come of it? He was sweet and handsome and treated her with respect, something that was in short supply these days. When he caught her looking at him like this, he'd blush and look away, the delusion slipping more and more.

She had come to know his world, the world he grew up in, the one that told him to do the horrible things he had done. Reiner was the enemy, but she forgave him, he needed that, he so desperately needed that. When she had told him he broke down into childish sobs, desperately asking why, how could she forgive him for everything? In honesty, Evelyn had no idea how, but she did, she understood him, felt sorry for him. It seemed like it was only natural.

Reiner had trusted her with being in his home, and eventually introducing him to his closest family and comrades. Seeing the look of joy in his face when she interacted with them warmed her frozen over heart. Her delusion was stronger than ever, forgetting about the horrors awaiting her at home. Maybe this could be home, Levi gone forever, Erwin gone forever, everyone, she could be free. This ideal life, happy with someone who could really take care of her, of two who could take care of each other. They were the same, broken and naive once. They had both been punished for the sins, what was the shame in living on from that?

Evelyn forgot about her mission, she forgot about Eren, to hell with all of them. They had left her in her time of need to that monster the law called her husband. Paradis could burn to the ground for all she cared. No one rescued her, why should she rescue them? Flatten the place and Levi with it, maybe then she'd finally feel safe. So when Falco had mentioned bringing Reiner to meet an old friend of his the thought of the past coming back to haunt her never crossed her mind. She simply watched the show, blissfully oblivious to the scene just below the stage.

But when Gabi had offhandedly mentioned that they had been gone a while she felt a trickle of cold sweat on the back of her neck, that familiar fear of Levi sending chills down her spine. It was impossible, he was hundreds of miles away, hopefully rotting in a jail cell, he couldn't be here, he wouldn't be here. She was letting her paranoia get the better of her again. She was safe, nothing could hurt her, no one was coming to get her.

These were the last thoughts to cross her mind before the eruption, the sound of screams and terror, the bright lights, the gunshots. There was panic, chaos, everyone trying to run away from the fifteen meter Titan slaughtering all of them where they stood. Evelyn could only sit there and watch as she was blindly tugged along by someone she didn't care to recognize.

Dumbfounded she trudged along, eyes glued to the scene. It was when she caught the look of those eyes, those damned eyes did terror come over her. Levi's eyes met hers, recognition filling them, the way he was motioning for her, he was telling her to go to safety and he would come find her. Only as he flew off to rejoin the carnage could Evelyn recognize exactly what that chilling feeling was.

It was the feeling of her delusion shattering around her.

#attack on titan #break me slowly #levi ackerman #levi aot #levi x oc #levi x reader #shingeki no kyojin #yandere levi #yandere levi ackerman #yandere levi x reader

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paperstorm · 5 months

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It’s really unsettling how everything has become if you aren’t speaking up and vocally pro-Palestine then you are pro genocide. One does not equal the other. There are a whole number of reasons why people might not speak up (where we can see them). We don’t know what’s going on off social media. To claim that silence on social media means you side with oppressor and that you want the deaths of millions is truly horrific. This isn’t even specific about Ronen. I see so much anger towards people who aren’t saying anything. But as an anon said earlier if it were Ronen specific they were right, he has not posted anything pro Israel for several months. And Ronen’s own words, early on after 7 October said he dreamt of a world without war and how fucked up it was that thousands of innocent people were going to die. But the hate is back on the convention announcement post. Like you’ve said the anger is better directed to so many other ways than to one actor from a TV drama.

Yeah. To be clear I don’t think that everyone upset with Ronen is just a hater or a troll, I think there are valid reasons to be disappointed with him and I am not jazzed about the way he handled all this either. Which is a painful thing when you really liked someone. What I’m increasingly frustrated by is the genre of person who already disliked him for whatever reason and is using this as like a social justice approved excuse to harass him or his fans in ways that are increasingly antisemitic and also entirely divorced from anything that will remotely help the Palestinians. Oppressed and occupied people trapped under the rubble of 2000 pound bombs are not gonna be helped by Americans calling a minor celebrity ugly on twitter. If that is the entirety of a person’s activism its problematic to an extent I no longer have language for. And it’s getting really disheartening, especially since I’m sure we aren’t the only fandom experiencing this nonsense.

#israel/palestine discussion

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hetalia-club · 6 months

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I just have to spill my thoughts here for a second about my personal life for my own sanity. feel free to happily ignore and scroll by.

Good news everyone :D I just dumped my toxic emotionally abusive boyfriend. Terrible News everyone! :DDDD He was also my best friend and childhood best friend so isn't that great!? :)))

We were supposed to go to Sicily together in May...Why did I DO THAT!? I spent 2k on my plane ticket...the room is reserved... Do I like just not go to Italy now? Do I say F it and just go by myself? Do I try and quickly beg someone else to go with me who's okay with spending at least 2k on a plane ticket? Which would be no one in my life, maybe my parents would but idk what they got going on. I really wanted to go. Why could I have like just not waited until after that? We share a friend group and they are all more his friends than mine. So I just like isolated myself for no reason.

Sorry to dump this here and no I don't expect any of you to have the answers or do anything with this information.

These past few weeks for me have been really rough and I just made it somehow worse.

He distanced me from all my former friends who have all like moved on and have families and whatever and who I have not spoken to in five years so all I have right now is my family and work 'friends' I don't even like. I'm going to have to live with my parents for who knows how long because it was his house he had all the money in our relationship. He convinced me to quit my good desk job with benefits to work part time as a barista so I could clean his house and cook for him. But he also put up with all my weirdness and was fine with it.

Like when I say I have no idea what to do I truly mean that.

again I don't want anyone to feel responsible to do something about how I royalty screwed up my life. It's no ones fault. I shouldn't have let him isolate me so much from my friends and former life but TOO LATE NOW! I just need to stop being with men who have brown hair and brown eyes but are objectively terrible.

My only silver lining is that I was the one to end it. Which if anything am proud of myself for that because I have never broken up with anyone before and I normally just deal with whatever people do to me no matter how terrible and mean they are. I just have always forgiven him and everyone else.

But when some dude bro sits you down and asks you to "List reasons why you deserved to be loved by him" it was just too much. Like that might seem petty but I am sick of being the 'pretty girlfriend' I am so tired of having to dress to the 9s to go out and be expected to be perfect even if we're just going to a F*ng dive bar where I get stared out for dressing like I'm going to a club. Where he gets to look like a diarrhea stain who can't be bothered to wear a shirt that's not wrinkled or shave his scraggly beard. Why he thinks I should make a list of MY worth as a human being in his eyes. When he is average at best!? Like I'm not a 10 I'm not perfect I'm not delusional, I don't think I'm the hottest girl in the world or gods gift to man kind. But I'm out of his league, I do know that!

I always tend to cling to Hetalia harder when my life is falling apart around me because that's sort of just what I've done since I was a teen. I've never been in a healthy relationship with someone who actually likes me and Hetalia has always been there for me. Which is why I have been making a lot of content lately, it's been a distraction and I'm sorry if I've been bugging people with how much I've been posting. That's not been my intentions its just my coping mechanism and it's better than drinking...

This is the only social media I have that he's not on. I don't hate him enough to block him. I do still want to try and be his friend at some point if that's possible. I love his family and they love me and it's going to be so upsetting to see them again from a different perspective.

I'm okay...It's just been really rough lately...And I somehow just made it worse.(No I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone, don't even worry about that.)

#hc talking smack #i'm going to start dating men over 60...#i am one of the few fortunate people in this world who have wonderful parents thankfully. if not idk what i would do tbh...#i know they would never turn me away or kick me out in a million years #and i do think they will come to Italy with me if i ask “pretty please” they may even fund it if i seem sad enough

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stackthedeck · 2 years

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What are your thoughts on Ao3 as a whole? I am having a moral dilemma because it's great for tagging, a lot of my favorite creators use it, and it's better than Wattpad, but it also has some truly immoral shit that the site staff isn't doing anything about (like having to dodge past explicit underage mcu peter/adult tony)

I love this ask, thank you so much for sending it, but my answer is going to upset everyone. Like all my opinions on internet discourse, my answer can't be reduced to a pro and anti binary. The issue is complicated and nuanced. The ao3 is better than everything that came before it but it still has a lot of things I would like to see improved upon in the future.

TL; DR: The ao3 is born out of censorship in fandom and so is a free speech maximalist, it's an archive stop treating it like social media, I don't give a shit about the weird porn once you start censoring that you're going to censor art that is important, the real problem is the hate speech that thrives on that platform and it's weird that the conversation has been reduced to shipping discourse

So I have experience with every major fandom platform: Ao3 (obviously), Wattpad, Fanfiction.net, tumblr, and even live journal briefly although I never wrote or posted anything, just lurked. The thing about ao3 is that it is born out of a history of censorship. FF.net used to have these purges, your work would just be gone one day and it was usually explicit stuff and queer stuff which sucks and is obviously bigoted. But the purges happened to make the website more advisor friendly. I do not believe in censorship and I certainly don't believe in censorship for the sake of profit. Before there was ff.net there were fanfic websites that were fandom-specific, usually password protected and invite-only, and heavily moderated. It used to be very hard for fans to get their work out into the world. So the ao3 was born with a very explicit free-speech maximalist approach, post whatever you want we won't stop you. And I totally get that and I believe in this model. But unlike a lot of these older websites, ao3 has an intensive policy of positivity that seems to be completely accidental. No one comments meaningful constructive criticism much less calls out bigotry. Freedom of speech should protect you from the government and coporations (because I don't give a shit what the supreme court says they are not people) not from other citizens. You say some dumb shit, I'm going to tell you it's dumb shit.

okay so that's why ao3 is like that, but what are some pros of the website:

it's an archive. It doesn't have an algorithm, it has a filtering and tagging system and a really good one!! God do I wish my academic databases were half as good as ao3. This is another reason it doesn't censor content, it's more about preserving fandom than curating it. It's up to you to comb through the archive and decide what you want to read.

it's not a social media site! Like it is so rare for something online to not be controlled by an algorithm. I like that I have real and genuine control over what I read. I hate the way Wattpad has made fanfic into social media. The setup of it is so bad for critical engagement. Like you really really have to try to get any sort of meaningful feedback and what you post gets buried within an hour, god I hate Wattpad, and its stolen art and stories

it's a non-profit. FF.net ran ads. Wattpad runs ads and is selling your stories whether you like it or not. It's gross, it's terrible, and it's legally dangerous for fanworks. AND CREATORS DON'T SEE A PENNY OF THAT AD REVENUE! Yes, the ao3 takes donations but how that money is spent is public information.

it has a legal team. You don't have to worry about being sued anymore (I hope Anne Rice is spinning in her grave) and it's doing amazing work in expanding the power of copyright (seriously I had to study one of their cases for one of my poli-sci classes). the OTW is more than the ao3, it's also a field of scholarship, they have published a lot of great articles about fandom history and culture

okay now the cons

it is a monopoly. I use that term loosely because again it's a non-profit and I think the fact that it is only the half-decent fanfic website is a pure accident and the fact that they're the best at what they do. FF.net has been dying for years, Wattpad is terrible in every way, and every social media site has a word limit except for tumblr which whether we like it or not is dying and hostile to fan creators BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T REBLOG THINGS. If you don't like the ao3 you basically have to stop writing fanfic

because it's an archive, and it's hard to interact with people. Yeah you have comments and kudos but there's no messaging system, you can't make friends on ao3

there's no blocking system or built-in permanent moderation system. I don't want to see content that's triggering or even mildly upsetting so I have to remind myself of it while I manually filter it out of my searches

there's genuine hate speech on that website and I don't think it deserves to be preserved as fandom history, especially with the same weight as other fanworks.

Like here's the meat of the question. "There's weird porn and bad ships on the ao3!" I don't give a shit. There's always going to be weird shit on the internet, sorry people are freaks and there's nothing you can do to stop them. don't like don't read. one of my favorite works on the ao3 has non-con, like a lot of non-con, and it is genuinely one of my favorite works of literature. But I'm using my critical thinking skills to understand that it is a horror story, brutal chest-bursting horror, not a romance. I read the story, I liked it, and I still believe that rape is bad, in fact, that has been cemented in my brain. I read Jane Eyre and I don't think women should be locked in the attic for being mentally unwell. The Great Gatsby is my favorite novel and I hate America and capitalism. I love Fahrenheit 451 and I don't believe in book burnings. Dark stories deserve to be told no matter what. It is up to you to decide if they have value and meaning. And guess what I despise Peter Parker/Tony Stark as a ship, but it still deserves to exist because it's not hurting anyone. Like it's ship discourse, it doesn't matter. This "think of the children, bad things can't exist" mindset isn't helpful. Like this is the mindset that conservatives bring to the don't say gay bills. From literary studies, education, and political science perspectives this mindset is dangerous. You can not say that art isn't allowed to exist because you personally find it distasteful because that is a flexible line. First, we're purging everything underage off ao3 (sure we've removed Starker, but also all the works that unpacked Peter's trauma around Skip Westcott) then it's everything incestuous, and then it's every kink you don't like, and shit we're back at the ff.net mentality.

but there's a big difference between ships you don't like and hate speech. Fandom has a racism problem and I have seen some genuinely terrible fics that treat characters of color terribly and not in a way that explores and unpacks racism, but in a racist way. There are works on the ao3 of Steve Rogers lynching Sam Wilson. Those works don't exist to add depth to Sam's character, they exist to make fans of color uncomfortable. THIS IS WHAT THE CONVERSATION SHOULD BE ABOUT! the ao3 has said that they don't want to draw a line because it's a slippery slope. And my stance is no, it's not. The line we draw is hate speech, feel like that should be obvious. People aren't writing underage ships to make children in fandom feel uncomfortable, they're doing it because the shipping options are limited, they think it's hot, they want to explore a trauma they lived through, they want to help someone else unpack their trauma, they are a child who feels mature for their age and has a crush on the older character etc. This is a non-issue. if underage stuff bothers you so much, go to your local library and demand they burn their copies of Lolita. The amount of impact a fanwork has is microscopic to culture as a whole. But fans of color routinely speak out about how fandom is not an inclusive space for them and it's bullshit that the ao3 won't stand up for them or even give them tools to make their fandom spaces safer.

#asks #fandom meta #ao3 discourse #like yes i have problems with the ao3 so many problems #but the solution isn't censorship #and also where else are we going to post fanfic?#i wish there were other options #but i don't want a social media site and I don't want that moderated web form bullshit

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nothingmatters-everythingmatters · 3 days

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on a blogging roll so here's a quick little pinned intro

hello! I go by myo (funny pseudonym not my real name lmao) welcome to me straight up rambling in very overdrawn personal writings filled with far too many prepositions (look, I'm just not a grammar person, I write purely off vibes and stream of consciousness with light editing)

I made this blog mostly because I had a nagging desire to 1) talk about myself in order to excise lingering young adult narcissism 2) rant about things that annoyed me in life because if I did this to people I knew irl they might stop talking to me 3) explore and contribute to communities of ideas that I haven't directly engaged with but would like to. specifically radical feminist and gender critical spaces that I stumbled upon while dealing with a conundrum over gender identity, and have really made me consider a lot I haven't before.

speaking of identity, a topic I love so much and definitely don't side eye with the strongest of expressions my face can make, I will list some random aspects of myself that will come up in writing because turns out a lot of my self reflection centers around a few specific topics, keep reading if getting to know an internet stranger slightly better for no reason is up your alley

I am chinese american, not a fact I usually talk about a lot but it sure is culturally what I am! and it does inform my upbringing and family dynamics which unsurprisingly are very interesting to unpack while relentlessly blogposting

I am technically a desister(?) from identifying as transmasc non-binary/ftm, I did not begin to pursue medical treatment (due to overwhelming health anxiety lmao) but sort of socially transitioned (I go to college which is liberal !!! pronounds everywhere so scary ahhhh !!!) with a name change, effort at passing, and sometimes using male bathrooms. I was very close to deciding to start testosterone and very strongly wanted top surgery due to dysphoria, but the aforementioned lurking in radfem spaces did give me some clarity, and the also aforementioned health anxiety really made me wary of the downsides. still very much gnc presenting, I like dressing "androgynous/masculine" but I'm getting better at accepting my natural state as a woman

I identified as asexual for the better part of half a year after internet research and some recommendations from a therapist, and now realize... I am probably not asexual because shockingly I am attracted to women and only women wow. in deeper reflection I realize that a lot of what I attributed to asexuality was in fact a lack of attraction to men :O

I really hate consumerism like quite a lot and am trying to live my life from an anti-consumerist angle and a more sustainable way which is fun since I have been involved in online spaces and hobbies which are in fact very consumerist, and realizing that now I can see a lot of aspects of those spaces and hobbies which should be taken more critically but alas. consumer culture truly runs strong in the states.

related to that I also loathe tiktok and short form social media... although recently I have realized that a lot of the long ass video essays I used to cherish in the past are... not actually that much better. I wish there was more critique about video essays in general but it seems that they are very popular so I'm not holding my breath

(okay that was neither a few or really actually all that specific but sometimes I guess that is how it goes)

I don't have dnis it's a case by case thing. if I don't like someone interacting with my stuff I will simply just express that with blocking or something but I don't believe in generalizing people just by what they label themselves as on tumblr dot com.

alrighty I think that's all, I hope you enjoy reading a bunch more words written like this because that is in fact all that this is!

#oh and would love to have mutuals!#specifically radfem leaning since I guess I'm mostly engaging with that space anyway and that is primarily my topic of interest right now #but hey anyone who's cool I will absolutely mutually backread your tumblr posts

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blindedbythedarkness · 10 months

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Man everything just feels so shit. I mean it IS so shit. Life is an utter dystopia and I'd like to say I can't imagine it getting any worse, but I'm sure it'll find a way.

This is just statewide eugenics and mass murder now. It's not even safe to seek healthcare. It's so incredible to me how we got to this point- I honestly half expect people to point out the hidden cameras any moment because surely so many people can't be this stupid?

That's what they are. Stupid. I'm not supposed to say that outloud or on any of the social media where I'm even halfway identifiable. It wouldn't be "nice" or "professional". But these people are stupid, selfish, inhumane, single brain-celled, murderous cunts. And that only goes about halfway to describing them. I never thought I could hold so much sustained hate for so many people, but it just keeps growing. I fantasize about hurting every one of them, to be quite honest- they have no qualms with actually hurting me.

Unlike most mass murdering-type scenarios I've heard about, in this case I can't even fantasize about moving away from it. Where would I go? More or less the whole western world has become like this (thank you Great Barrington Declaration etc etc) and I have no idea how I'd even begin to learn the language in the few good places left.

The only way out of this is through, if I'm lucky enough to survive that long. Time is the only parameter that might offer any kind of relief, since location seems off the table. Small steps are being made, I'm pushing some of them myself (though I can't really talk about them publicly), but its slow progress. It feels like one step forwards, two steps back. Maybe there'll be a better vaccine? Maybe places will properly clean the air? Maybe enough people will realise they hate getting sick enough to wear a mask? Maybe a whole new pandemic will arise and it'll be so bad that the protections from that will wipe out SARS2 in the process? Either way, more people are gonna die and worse in the meantime.

I really am so deep in depression now. It's not even depression, it's survival mode. It's just constant stress from constant threats to my existence, sometimes even without stepping out the front door. It feels like PTSD waiting to happen, only I wish it would happen because then at least we'd be "Post". I just feel totally numb and lonely and just in total despair. The pain and lumb in my chest never goes away. I'd say I don't know how much longer I can go on like this, but what choice do I have?

I'm so ready for this to be over. Properly, really, truly over. I'll never forget what people did and likely never forgive. But to be able to live a life feeling actually truly safe would be a dream. I long to be able to have the emotional capacity again to actually just feel happy.

I saw a post on here not long ago that said something like "'this too shall pass' but I really wish it'd pass a bit quicker". That is entirely the mood right now.

#mental health #grief #chronic illness #trauma #covid #pandemic #ptsd #long covid #chronic pain #grieving #mourning #loss #wear a mask #covid isnt over #covid is airborne #covid19 #plague island #endurance

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inchidentally · 7 months

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JSYK I'm with you on containment breaches. Tends to go hand in hand with girlfriend harassment too. Countdown to Rebecca's account going private in 3..2..1

I can't remember which post I left tags on about that but yeah the "corporatization" of any rpf always spells trouble. it's why I don't rb any of it from the main F1/Netflix/sports accounts. LN4 media doing it is I assume with Lando's OK but even there it's a bit... uncomfortable.

rest behind a cut so nothing goes into tags

(this is probably way more than you were asking for anon but apparently these text posts is what I do now)

look. carlando was my main ship when I got into F1 fandom and is going to stay in my top 3 forever. but I keep the lines drawn nice and sharp. I l-o-v-e shipping them but I'm also aware that they're literally big brother/little brother and that all of the physicality and closeness is identical to Charles with Arthur. that and the fact that Carlos is sahuuuuuper straight and folks just confuse euro dude behavior with friends for gayness. Carlos was the one who pushed for Lando to grow up and get a gf and Carlos himself was practically engaged for 6 or 7 years. his own sister gave Isa her wedding bouquet ffs. he's so confirmed heterosexual that he can't be alone for more than 2 seconds between girlfriends lol

but between McLaren content on social media getting absolutely bombarded with irrelevant carlando comments and the hate toward Rebecca ramping up every single damn day (I'd say it's a solid 80/20 mostly of rpf hate toward her and the remaining being plain old jealousy) idk it's not feeling good rn. and it's mostly on IG and a bit on YT (I don't use twitter) but yikes at how much Lando content has something about 'he's thinking about Carlos' or 'omg just like Carlos' or carlando when it's nothing to do with carlando. Lando works so incredibly hard at the two to three careers he's running consecutively and it feels pretty damn insulting to reduce him to one F1 friend - however close they are. Carlos has nothing to do with Quadrant or Lando's YT work or his own sponsorship work. that's Lando doing all of that.

that and when the Today show interviewer pushed the "bromance" angle you could see Lando get kind of fed up (which they tried to edit out) and steer the question back around to actual racing. tbh he even seemed a little icked by DTS making such a big deal about carlando and he and Max joked it off.

even through my Singapore euphoria I could tell Carlos and Lando were walking media ppl back from going too literal with the DRS and saying no, it was advantageous for Carlos and yes, Lando absolutely would've overtaken him if he could have gotten the win for himself. I've actually really respected Lando reminding people that they're not in these rarefied positions to do anything other than try to win or as close to it as possible. they're not making millions and living the high life just to throw race results in the air and play favorites with their friends !!??

and this whole "competition" between carlando and dando/charlos/landoscar/whatever is absolutely not making it's way onto my blog lol. I do know that a lot of people in tumblr are just joking when they do that and I think the 'angst' posts are funny but wow IG and YT are not playing around. they're making videos trying to like disprove other Lando ships and it's ??? (funniest one is the Vegas opening ceremony thing and fighting over who Lando was waving to, Daniel or Carlos) these dudes are absolutely not having real life in-fighting about which of their friends they like "better" or who is their bestest friend. (especially when Lando in the same interview as above stated that F1 drivers - Carlos included - are not his actual private life friends so uh oh how does that play into the competition?? it's so absurd)

I'm not a wives and girlfriends obsessive but I absolutely I am not here for them receiving anything negative from F1 fans unless they themselves have instances truly, openly as problematic as the drivers often are. even then I'm wary bc the sexism motive and double standards run so deep in fandom against women. Rebecca has done nothing but exist as Carlos' gf and it's just a sea of "there's something fake about her" and "body experts" claiming the relationship is fake and that she's "obviously a beard" while he's actually with Lando. that last part craaaaacks me tf up because these men travel to Middle Eastern countries where homosexuality has the death penalty or prison.......... they are NOT gonna be out here referring to themselves publicly as a bromance and their ship name if they're trying to keep this huge gay secret while they tour maximum home o'fobic countries???

I have a few extra thoughts about why folks have especially latched onto being proprietary about which men Lando is closest to or "should be with" when it comes to rpf but I feel like we all kinda know why. I'm over here writing pages of text about him which is lame in it's own way - but even I acknowledge that his greatest attraction as a person is himself and not his relationships to other people. it's why he's the sun that a lot of this content orbits around.

I'm also genuinely glad that Lily's existence and Oscar's quiet but firm reminders of her arrived alongside the landoscar fandom happening. I don't personally see any hate toward her and no one's in denial. even the rare fic that has him and Lily fictionally break up is fully fair to her. I've also posted a lot about how I genuinely love real life Lando and Oscar interaction even more than the rpf (and I love the rpf lol) and honestly the feeling seems shared with a lot of us from what I've seen. so especially if Lily uses her engineering degree to start working in F1 it's good to know that she won't have to deal with crazed conspiracy theories about her being an F1 industry plant to keep Oscar's dick out of Lando's hole or whatever.

for anyone who's read this far or skipped to the end tldr I'm always going to ship carlando and landoscar (and even dando) as well as charlos. but as a carlando shipper I really hope the commodification of it dies down before it truly starts to piss off Lando or Carlos. or Carlos has to put his foot down like Lando did and say hey, stop harassing my girlfriend it's weird.

shit's just been feeling very 'forced' lately to the point of imploding and I'm uncomfy :/

#been sitting on this a couple days to try and bury it lol #I hope I made myself clear #it's also why I chuckled at the homophobic outraged anon I got a while back bc they were so far off the mark #mine #//wank adjacent ig #inchreplies

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insuferrablewhore · 1 year

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i hate modern society

i hate growing up like this ik i sound like one of those ‘i was born in the wrong generation!!!’ kids but i’ve just realised how awful and fucked everything is since about 2016. due to the internet advancing and things like amazon and fast fashion becoming a thing modern people are so used to this sort of instant gratification. especially with the fast fashion bit because now fashion doesn’t matter anymore, the clothing industry is dying because you can get any sort of clothes basically the next day or even delivered to your house the same day. and also because of the internet fashion trends are all over the place because of how easily widespread everything is and new things are coming out all the time, meaning even more fast fashion is produced

mentioning social media, modern social media is completely fucked

and i don’t know how to explain this but because everyone has a phone and it’s so easy to just do whatever no one actually properly talks anymore if you know what i mean, so many people don’t have hobbies because of the amount of time they spend on their phone

now i know i sound like a boomer but truly nowadays there are very little people with actual hobbies especially at our age, like you could ask a kid our age early 2000s or 90s what they like doing and they’d probably say painting/reading, hanging out with friends, playing an instrument, listening to music, collecting things, playing a sport, etc etc but if you asked a few kids today they’ll most likely say something to do with video games or the internet and hanging out with friends, maybe a sport

and we all make fun of kids our age that are ‘sheltered’ and have weird hobbies but really it’s us that’s missing out because they truly get to live

before the internet almost anything you did had some sort of purpose/outcome, painting, reading etc etc, but almost anything to do with the internet/screens idk (like computers n phones) has no gain, and i know that people use the internet to learn and to see other people’s opinions and lives n whatnot

i mean name the last ten tiktoks you saw

and the saddest thing is that when people realise this, like us, they have no option but to continue in this life because unless we reconstructed our society, there is no way we can return from this

and yes the internet is a great place to connect with people and all, but i personally think the earlier days were the best days because google was up and running but proper social media wasn’t

and mobile phones were still less advanced so you wouldn’t have people playing games on them

and it’s impossible to get away from this, because even if you disconnect and decide to not use your phone and only use google and some other websites, you will still know you live in this world because everyone around is on their phones

i’d also like to speak about how romance is dead, because it’s so easy to talk to people, recently it’s been ‘do you send’ and whatnot, but i truly think everyone is so desensitised to this sort of behaviour bc if we go back like 20 years the only way to get someone’s personal nudes was if they physically gave you photos, and talking to people was so different and idk i’m just disgusted by society

idk all of this is so utterly depressing because i know that i am being forced to live in this sort of society and no matter how much i kick and scream i will never be able to get out

this was a rant to my friend and i decided to post it here because idk, i have like 12 followers so y’all better love this shit

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fayesdiary · 1 year

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Happy 2nd Anniversary!

Hello everyone!

Today marks the second anniversary of this blog! Wow, I can't believe it's been two years already! (Note, I created the blog earlier but February 4th 2019 was my first original post here so I use that date as the blog's birthday)

I'm honestly suprised this blog lasted this long, since I'm a very shy person usually on the Internet and commitment isn't exactly my strong suit. But what can I say? I love it here and Tumblr feels like home at this point!

To celebrate I'm gonna reminisce a little bit and write down my thoughts about this blog. It's gonna get really sappy, I'm sorry.

Just kidding. I'm not sorry at all.

2022 has truly been the year of all time. A lot and I mean a lot of ups and downs. I started and ended my first job, went on vacation, had one of the worst instances of allergy + depression, you name it. In hindsight, every few months I was in a wildly different situation and mental state.

But the thing that overall made 2022 great was finally getting into art! To turn the ironic hate off for a moment, I love Fire Emblem. It's not my favorite series (Kingdom Hearts and Kirby share that position), but it's one I still adore and now am truly greatful for, because for a reason or another it was the only one it felt welcoming enough to me to actively make an account about it and be active in social media rather than a ghost after years.

Before I made this blog I wrote a few supports for the fire-emblem-heroes-supports blog. I think they were the first piece of writing I ever made willingly and not as part of a school assignment, and looking back I still cherish them.

Eventually I had the idea for this blog, and after a lot of hesitation in typical me fashion, fayesdiary was born! I mentioned it a few times already, but originally it was meant to be just meta analysis posts, a few headcanons and theories and my sporadic writings. Overtime though it became a lot more freeform in what I posted, and I think it's all the better for it!

I got the courage to write and posts my first fanfictions and slowly carved my own personal space here on Tumblr. Like, a very cozy rat hole. Over time, this blog became a personal hobby and it gave me a lot of satisfactions. I got close to some people I truly admire and made a few friends too!

And boy, then we get to last year, which has been an absolute blast in terms of creativity!

I don't think I ever had in mind making a dialogue dump website of Awakening, but it happened and I had a lot of fun making it and giving it a lot of tiny details! ...even if its layout has the stability of a Jenga tower and it's just the Gangrel arc. Whatever. It's the thought that counts.

I wrote a bunch more! Not as much as I wanted, but I made some stories I'm really proud of. And I took part in a few fandom events and not just one but two Secret Santas for the first time!

I took a shot at making wallpapers and made some I'm really proud of, especially the Three Hopes ones. They were so fun to make and the process was just tons of fun!

And that leads nicely to... making art.

See, the thing about me is that I always sucked at making art. I couldn't keep my hands stable, I am incredibly clumsy and I couldn't draw anything more complicated than simple childlike doodles. And while I loved painting, the fact I felt incapable of making anything good or that I could like lead me to not even bothering to try. Why bother if you're just gonna be disappointed and frustrated, after all?

Until I got into group painting at around July, and I loved it. I made some paintings I truly like, and that eventually gave me the courage to start drawing again. As a half-joke. Only this time, I decided to draw with references, and my whole world got upside down. Turns out I could actually somewhat draw if I had a reference! And somehow I never realized it in years!

Something clicked. I figured it'd just be a thing I'd do for a week at most and then drop like so many other creative projects of mine, but... it stayed. Not only that, but I got more invested into it. I went from physical to digital (with the mouse!), and eventually shifted to a graphic tablet a friend lent me (and then pretty much gifted me). Eventually the drawings became so many I decided to make an art blog! Me! An art blog! The me from even just early 2022 would have called you insane if you said it! And now not just that, but I'm even making preparations to open a Redbubble shop! I still can't believe it!

And a huge part is thanks to this blog, really! It gave me and still keeps giving me the courage to try new stuff, find new friends and people who inspire me, and lets me know people enjoy what I make or say. It's amazing, and it makes me feel so happy!

I'll be honest, I am grateful to this blog. It truly helped me get into a better place, and I can confidently say ever since I opened it I feel a lot happier. And that's coming from the local cynical bastard who usually hates themselves, but now? I went from hating myself to being neutral at worst for the most part. Even if I still have my moments sometimes, but that's normal. And now I actually have hope for the future!

But really, it says a lot that for once at the New Year party I wasn't the one who claimed the next year was going to suck. Heck, I was actually caught off guard when one of my friends said it and I said no, it's gonna be good!

Anyway, enough rambling. What I want to say is, thank you for everything. Thank you to the people who complimented me or even just commented on the things I made. Thank you to my mutuals and anonymous lurkers. Yes, I know you're there, I was and often still am one of you. And most of all, thank you to all my online friends I made here on Tumblr. When I think about it, we haven't known each other for that long, but I want you to know now I can't imagine a life without you and you brighten my day every time we chat. I love you so much and I wish you nothing but the best<3

Here's to plenty more years of this blog!

#not fire emblem #faye gets sappy #fayesdiary 2nd anniversary #faye #my art #(not) sorry for the long post but incoherent rambles are actually the best way to show my gratitude [citation needed]

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septembersghost · 1 year

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Literally everything about the Priscilla movie and the discourse it’s inspired is so bad man :(

not saying this in an "i told you so" way whatsoever, but yeah, i mean, we knew it would be. that was unfortunately a given. it's only going to get worse up until and when the movie comes out. EPE (presumably joel) also made the situation even uglier today by running their mouths criticizing it to TMZ and drawing more negative attention when they could've simply ignored it quietly. i realize i'm a slightly broken record here, and repeating a lot of others at this point too, but it's only noise. the people who revile him are always going to revile him and refuse to investigate any further about his person or his humanity, they want him to be a monster and their minds are made up. the people who who want to victimize priscilla to use her as a weapon with no care for her own voice will keep doing that. and the fans who love elvis are going to keep loving elvis. the people who want to see the movie will, the people who don't, won't, and either choice is valid.

this is how it's been for decades, social media just amplifies the unpleasantness, but it's an echo chamber. nobody yelling is attempting to engage with this with any nuance, or regard anyone involved as flesh and blood people who had complex relationships and made mistakes and also felt great love for one another. they're looking for trouble a reason to be hateful and to fight when they don't even understand or truly care what they're talking about. we know he wasn't perfect, we know he made some bad choices, we know he struggled with his health for several different reasons, we know he had a temper. we also know he tried relentlessly to do better, to learn and to grow personally and artistically, and to be generous and kind and giving of himself in myriad ways. which one do you ultimately find more important? because i really do believe it's the compassion and the light.

do i wish that the beautiful work baz and austin did to restore his legacy and personhood was the final word on it? frankly, yes, but that was never going to happen because elvis remains a fascination and an object of pop culture that gets projected onto depending on the agenda of whomever decides to use him as a mirror. it becomes so separated from why his music and memory remains. what they created still matters, and it makes my heart ache to think of it being undone at all, but i think it will ultimately be remembered, much like elvis himself.

i'm so much more interested in his artistry, his spirituality, and his emotional vulnerability than i am in intimate personal details about his life, but i know that's not the case in a lot of the fanbase, and that's fine, i am very selective in what i choose to engage with and i think we all have the right to curate that experience. i know it's SO hard to ignore, but when it comes to this discourse, don't read it, don't participate in it, and guard your mental health however you can. this movie doesn't change anything any more than any other of the many portrayals of him. more eyes are on it because of, essentially, brand recognition - both name of the director and due to the fast timing following the film last year, and all the press and clamor that surrounded it, the things said (both complimentary and unfair) about austin, the rabid nature of social media that lives to tear things apart. but it ultimately doesn't change anything.

this has been said more eloquently, but nothing has eclipsed or erased him, even after these decades of misinformation and spurious rumor and conspiracy theories and everyone and their neighbor exploiting (or inventing) their connection with him for a book or a crummy made-for-tv movie and cruel, dismissive jokes and cardboard cutouts and cheesy impersonators. something about the soul of him still rises above all of that. the positives we glean and inspiration and meaning we find, and the love we hold onto, rises above all of that too.

#it took me too much time to write this and came out longer than i intended lol i'm sorry bestie #i'm just so exhausted and frustrated by all of this (not by you and not your fault!)#anonymous #letterbox #elvis presley #i was a dreamer #priscilla 2023

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destinyc1020 · 10 months

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Honestly for me, sadly, it's the fandoms that have ruined other actors for me. Orrr more specifically, an actor (TC I'm sorry!). I was on twitter once a while back and pointed out the hypocrisy that his fans had when they needlessly dragged Tom in an extremely catty way that also made fun of his dyslexia. Two of those stans took issue with me pointing out this problem and continued to harass me, making new accounts to impersonate other people and to talk to me again. It was so disturbing, and these people were incredibly obsessed with TC to the point where it was just worrisome. I seriously concerned that they would try to hack into my account because of how harshly they spammed me with threats. It was just a big bummer of an experience because it was legitimate harassment (I reported it and at least two of their spare accounts were suspended, at least), but it put a huge, huge dampener on any kind of interest I had in seeing his projects or supporting his work.

And having kind of surveyed the twitter situation from afar for the past few years, I think the majority of the utterly rude hate for Tom does come from a bigger percentage of Tim's fans. With Tom, the toxic ones to Tim on twitter I can count on with one hand. But with Tim, the amount of his fans who truly detest Tom on an unreasonable level are really up there and it seems normalized among a pretty good amount of them (strictly speaking this is on twitter, I think the situation on tumblr is much different thankfully!). And the sad thing is that if I didn't have that experience with the harassment, I wouldn't have any strong feelings about TC one way or another, maybe I would have even come to like him. Now I can't look at him without thinking about the online harassment I received that honestly messed with my mental health for a bit. Stans that behave really inappropriately like that NEED to realize that even though they want to 'defend' their fave, what they are actually doing in some cases is turning others OFF to their work! Thankfully I have not been bothered since their accounts were suspended, and I certainly spend MUCH more time on tumblr than twitter these days which is so much more positive for my headspace, but I really urge fans of all actors to BE KIND most of all.

Thank you for the space to rant Destiny, and for your blog! It really shifted my fandom experience to find this corner of the internet, things are so much more balanced and reasonable on tumblr compared to twitter, it feels very healthy and fun to follow things here. I think the word count on tumblr makes a big difference, here it's more about deep thoughts than just quick one liners!

Wowww..... 🤯

First of all Anon, can I just say??? I am SO sorry to read what you went through with re: to Timmy's fans. I'll just say right from the outset that online bullying and threats are NEVER okay. 😤

Idk why some fandoms feel like they have to be so unhinged like this. 🥴 If it's getting to the point where you feel the need to have to bully someone or make threats towards them online, then hun....you need to either STOP stanning whoever you're stanning, or take some LOOONG breaks away from social media, because I promise you, it is NEVER that deep. 🤨

I don't even think Timmy (or any of these actors for that matter) would feel happy that some of their fans are attacking people like that online on their behalf. 😔

Thank you for sharing your story Anon... I am SO glad that you're now doing so much better now that you've left Twitter and stay mostly on Tumblr now. 🥰

In regards to your feelings about Timmy....I'll say that you're definitely not alone. I know some other fellow fans of Tom have felt completely turned OFF from Timmy simply (and largely in part) due to his FANDOM. I know not all Timmy fans are like this (of course not), but based on what I've been hearing from others, it seems that for some reason, there's a large segment of his fandom who IS like this towards Tom or Tom fans. 😔 Honestly? I think a lot of it goes back to the fact that they both auditioned for Spiderman. Maybe some of Timmy's fans feel threatened by the fact that Tom got the role over Timmy?? Idk.... 🤷🏾‍♀️

Against my BETTER judgement, I took a little gander at Twitter sometime after Ep 8 aired, and I just did a search on Tom's name in tweets, and BOY was THAT a mistake.... 😒🙄🤦🏾‍♀️ I totally understand what fans mean by Tom gets way more hate on Twitter than most actors in his age range. I even did a search on Timmy's name just for comparison.

Granted, I don't think Timmy is in the same fame/popularity bracket as Tom, but it was just interesting to see the stark contrast. While most tweets were about sightings, thirst tweets, pics, fan encounters, filming news, upcoming projects, and other random postings for Timmy, with Tom ,it seemed like a lot of the tweets were jokes/memes at his expense, film bros hating on him, random jokes regarding Tom and Zendaya, and just overall IMMATURITY honestly.🙄

It was very heartbreaking to see. 😭

I think the hate on Tom is actually very multi-faceted, and that's what makes it somewhat unique. I mean, ALL actors/celebrities get hate at some point or another...that's just an unfortunate part of the business. 🥴😔 But I think with Tom, the hate on him comes from SO many different angles, and I think that's why fans seem to feel it more.

There's the hate coming from:

Twitter Film Bros

People who hate on Tom simply because of jealousy and the fact that he's so popular and successful

Tomdaya Antis who don't like Tom and Zendaya together

Zendaya Stans who DON'T like Z with Tom

People in the GP who just don't like him for whatever reason 🙄

Spider-Man fans who ONLY like Tobey

Spider-Man fans who ONLY like Andrew

Spider-Man fans who ONLY like Tobey OR Andrew

Timmy Chalamet Stans who hate on Tom with a vengeance for some reason 🙄

Members of the gp who think he's too "ugly", "too short", too "WHATEVER....

People who just don't like Marvel films PERIOD lol

Immature fans/meme-generators who just use Tom's name for likes and clicks in order to be "funny" or go "viral" on Twitter 🙄

Have I missed anyone?? 😅🤣

Anyway.... I think THIS is why the hate is so prevelant...It seems to be coming from ALL angles, and I honestly don't know if any other actor (in our generation at least) has ever had to deal with this level of hate before....at least, not on a social media level. 😔 I'm pretty sure this is probably one reason why he got rid of social media.

So yea, it's very sad.... 😭 Why do you think I stay away from Twitter MOST of the time?? It's because, it's VERY negative, and I don't need that energy disturbing my spirit and positive vibes. 😌

I know I sound like a broken record, but I still urge fans to PLEASE stop going on Twitter..... Ignore that nonsense. People are immature on that app, and they run jokes into the GROUND.

We can't control what people say or do unfortunately, but if you DO see something that seems to really just cross the line on that app, definitely report it!

Anyway, sorry for this long dissertation Anon...If you made it this far, I hope you are now in a better place. 🥰

The last thing I will say is, please don't allow immature Timmy fans/or other fandoms to ruin you of enjoying an actor's work. You have to separate the actor from his fans. It might even be a good idea to just watch the work and ignore the fandom(s). 🤷🏾‍♀️

#sorry for the loooong dissertation #I just felt like some things needed to be said #twitter

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