Tattoo tattoo tattoo tattooo

One last thing I wanna say about the void state

Look babe there is no more work needed on your side just move tf on and detach completely and work on your self-concept fix your assumptions about your void state like the void state isn't just a meditative state it's more than this

Read the posts I have on my pinned post 🫶🏻

Read this post it's very useful

Assume your void state is real

Assume everything that's right about your void state

Assume that you are your void state you are already your void state since you are YOUR self

Don't be hard on yourself

And pls pls quit trying to enter or wake up when like you still didn't fix everything to be able to access yourself on that pure level

Assume that everything is already fixed and let your subconscious mind get every single wrong assumption out so you can change it - set that intention ;)! And assume that it happened instantly and get yourself a notebook write everything you want in there!

Live for a moment stop calling anything like circumstances

These circumstances aren't real

Reality isn't real babe imagination is the core of this physical reality so basically your so-called circumstances can literally change to be your highest potential in this life in a matter of secs if you let it go for a moment it's all about the imagination and what you imagine

Do you imagine yourself not having these circumstances? And having everything you want?

Nothing is real guys you all should fkin wake up for a moment and quit blaming everything on your circumstances can't you just be responsible for what you imagine and let the good things that you imagine happen in your life and yes it manifests it has to manifest cause damnit gurl where TF did you get these circumstances from? From your imagination IT'S WHAT YOU IMAGINED BEFORE GIRLIE AND IT HAPPENED NOW IT'S TIME TO TAKE CONTROL OVER YOURSELF AND GET THE BEST THINGS IN THIS LIFE it's a new ass chapter period

Most importantly - work on your general self-concept - your manifesting self-concept and that you can get what you want instantly and easily

And not for 3 days but for a month or 3 months and if you want to buy the self-concept tape from me - just message me - the affs are great and it has a manifesting self-concept/general self-concept/subconscious mind benefits and a lot of benefits I added to it that you will never find anywhere and you won't even make it yourself that tape took a lot of time from me to make i personally use it too and it's discounted rn and if you are a student I have a surprise for you if you buy it now!

5, 15, 25 & 35 for the trio

Samir, Erzsebet and Ethanael. Erzsy belongs to @uldren-sov, the lads are mine. ASK MEME

5. What is their love language? I think it's just physical affection and quality time between the three of them. If it's not being touchy feely and affectionate, it's pestering each other or it's sharing the same space just to be around each other doing their own things but together.

15. Who is more likely to make an impulsive decision and who is the voice of reason?

Samir is the far more impulsive one out of the three; he's all heart and good intentions and it can get him into trouble but to give him fair credit he does have a solid head on his shoulders with certain things. Afterall, he didn't survive Chalktown without playing smart when he needed to. Ethanael tends to be the voice of reason overall I'd imagine.

25. Who’s the most stubborn?

GOD. The three of them can be pretty stubborn in their own ways, tbh. I can't really speak for Erzsy but I think the contest is mostly between Samir and Ethanael (pit an Aries and a Taurus together in an argument and good luck). I imagine Ethanael wins the title though, especially in an argument. At the end of the day Samir will eventually just want to get it over with and if he has to concede then SO FKIN BE IT BUT HE ISN'T HAPPY ABOUT IT AND HE HAS TO HAVE THE FINAL SAY. Lol.

35. What movies do they enjoy watching most?

There are no movies in the setting they live in! They live in a 1500s era mixed with a bit of 1700-1800 influences. And magic. And devils. Hell magic. Devils from hell. Etc.

But I'll shift it to a similar medium like books! Ethanael enjoys romance, poetries and mystery. Samir enjoys suspense/thrillers and short stories. And with @uldren-sov‘s input, Erzsy likes swashbucklers and adventure!

Captains Log 31_ You Down W BPP!?

So tonight was Meroe, Uglee radio X KTA Black Panther Founders Day event. It was fkin litty! The kind of shit I LIVE for and makes me wanna get on SL more! Things like that just remind you that there are many kindred souls here on the grid and we all have a collective purpose in our individual journeys whether we realize it or not. A shared intention to continue carrying the torch of those that came before us and that made differences in their communities. Just little things like this can just spark memories in our DNA.

EPIGENETICS.

Its a science to this and the metaverse is a big part of this whole story we writing. Right now (whether we realize it or not) we are being apart of history, something our forefathers couldn’t have imagined. To be able to connect with each other anywhere and anytime in the world and share knowledge FREE.

When we do evens like this on the grid we make em proud.

So everybody understood the assignment, one thing SL folk will do is DRESS UP AND SHOW OUT OKAY! & I was so invested in getting good pics the whole night I was just like yelling at black dragon to stay loaded. Thats one thing I need to figure out what the best settings are to load all people at once and the background pictures and textures FAST! Is that asking too much?? *tear*

The Meroe team is really top tier I am super grateful for Gigi and Ras, never thought we’d be all the way to this moment when we first came to Meroe. It was a dream enough just to know it existed but to actually be able to volunteer my time to the cause, makes me feel like I am putting my best effort any way I can. I feel like this volunteer work is training me for taking initiative in my RL, in having more confidence with the work to connect the diaspora. Its like a foundation to stand on when I propose collabs to people I’ll have sum to back me up! Aye my favorite female rapper princess nokia liked one of my posts on our IG so I feel I can do anything now lmao. One day Meroe will be visited by people who never even had an SL account before. Inshallah!

Bae also did his second official SL grid performance but first one with Meroe! He’s such a dope MC! African Soil is one of my favorite songs I listen to legit every week and not just because he my man either! He inspires me so much to take risks and try new things. I love how he barely joined SL but he puts himself out there even though things are still new to him. He kills it everytime too and always impresses me in the end. I basically forced him to make me his Manager. Im his baeager now, (ima make baeager happen idc! ) XD I feel like we came up with another title for that but im blanking rn. Oh well!

These two looked soooo good, their energy also reminded me of myself and bae. It just made me feel so cozy to see like vibrations around. I think one thing I want to branch away from is the awkwardness that comes with meeting new people on the grid or reaching out to them. So many times I want to just IM folks that I find interesting and I get this feeling like “I dont want to bother them” or “what if they dont wanna talk right now” a lot of times, I think i mentioned before people don’t respond to me or have a weird vibe like instantly don’t fw me.

Sometimes I feel more sensitive than others. Like if in my RL I am getting that energy too much at work I can’t handle getting that same thing in SL too. I think thats why I didnt hit this beautiful kindred soul sis up. But I hope that I’ll run into her again at another event! The best connections form naturally. I want to invest  a little bit of time into making a “spot” again. Like when I first joined SL and the commune, it was a place people would always just set as their home and sit around and talk to each other at. Naturally people would go there just to hang and I miss that. I am still gunning for that! God will show us the way haha!

Gigi, Ras and their daughter are just so classy and dope. I loved seeing them all together having fun and just admire everything they have built here at Meroe. I respect them so much ! The vibes are immaculate and just getting better every time we pull off another event!

Another beautiful soul sis that I did not message but wanted to XD lmaooo I know someone out there gets me with the whole PTSD of relationships on SL!! It be so rocky but when you come together it is priceless! I think about some of my personal friendships on SL and I have a few that have lasted as many years as I’ve been on, some people completely disappeared and some left notes first. I myself was one of the ghosters, I feel like maybe I gotta get karma back for the friendships i’ve personally fucked up before God gives me more new ones to try. EEK! PROMISE ILL DO BETTER THIS TIME!

Playing N “Traffic “

Part 7

I left Yahli asz with Pedro doing god knows what . I really wonder where the dogs be when she be asz up face down. I laughed to myself in the back of the taxi . I needed a drink , a lil pick me up to ease the pain.. I really just wanted to hear some music , sway my hips and reminisce . I hated that I didn’t have my man. I hated that I couldn’t have him fck the pain away like he’s done so many times before . I honestly can’t remember a time when I didn’t have him. The taxi driver clearing his throat bought me out my daze as i collected my bag and paid my fee . Stepping out into the warm breeze I made my way into the semi crowded bar looking around before finding a seat at the bar . As the bartender memorized my poison a dark skinned man who smelled like bad decisions and a good time took a seat next to me before turning to me and smiling .first thing I noticed was his beautiful white teeth and cinnamon stained breath as he asked how I was doing. “ I’m good thank you “, I replied and took a sip of my drink squeezing my thighs together to stop whatever this was I was feeling from continuing. “ I’ve never seen u here before you visiting? “ he said while looking at me so intense I was convinced he could read my thoughts. “ business”, I said quickly turning my head and giving my attention to the clasp on my bracelet unnecessarily. “ can I get you another drink he asked,” contemplating longer than I Intended he chuckled and started a tab. I enjoyed his company. We laughed spoke about movies and music we even danced a song or two. He was a great distraction. Looking at the clock I knew I needed to get back . In the morning I needed to be alert. Awake and coherent. I needed this fckin money . Standing up to retrieve my coat and purse I stumbled bridging the space that separated us . He quickly leaned forward to break my fall and in the process grazed my exposed thigh with his hand. I couldn’t tell if it was the liquor or the lack of sex in my life but the heat that radiated through my spine I knew I had to get the fck outta here and fast. Speed walking to the door I made my way outside and only then did I exhale. Pulling up the ride share app I secured a ride and waited in the brisk air. Scrolling through Instagram I felt a strong hand cover my mouth and before I had the chance to fight . Darkness.

“ wake up , rise and shine” , I heard as I struggled to open my eyes. Trying to gain focus to see where the fck I was I blinked excessively until the light didn’t feel like salt in an open wound anymore. “ whe-, where am I??” I said panic setting in as I looked around. “ The real question is WHERE TF IS MY MONEY” . His voice roared and echoed in this big empty room causing the liquor from earlier to sneak its way back up my throat . “ Your nicca owe me 150 stacks” Where is he???” He asked standing in front of me with his hands joined at his groin. 150???? I repeated louder than I intended to. He simply replied” interest” . “Tye is in Jail, 5 years, but I will get you your money hopefully by tomorrow “. Noticing my hands and feet weren’t bound I attempted to stand up. “ I wouldn’t do that if I were you”, I heard a familiar voice say as I whipped my head to the left I couldn’t fkin believe my eyes. Mr. Nice guy from the bar stood there looking at me with a grin and an AR-15 in his hand. The mofo had the nerve to wink at me! “ what a shame a man leaving you all alone to cover his debts . Where I’m from we take care of our women . This is a man’s game no room for no woman . You should be cooking and cleaning , but what do I know ? You Americans know it all right? He laughed causing my earlier distraction to laugh as well. “ Three days” if you don’t have my money by then , interrupting him I attempted to finish his sentence , “ you’ll dead me. “ I said. “No. How would I profit from that? I’m going to sell you”. He blurted out very nonchalantly like this mofo ain’t just say he would sell me. Before I could gather my thoughts I saw a flash and realized my picture was taken. “ for insurance , or pre-bids . Either or , he said as him and his goon turned to walk out the building leaving me as if I was where I belonged.

To be continue do

So I have therapy tonight and...

I don't even know where to start.

Y'all, my roommate. My roommate's ex. I never dated before I met MFH (My fkin husband [affectionate]) so I have no point of reference for the sheer level of drama and agony that goes into a breakup.

Due to special and unusual circumstances that I am not at liberty to share, roommate is in a place where they need space and time to work on themselves. It turns out ex also has some stuff to work on, so long story short is that neither of them are really able to show up for a partner at the moment.

But oh. My GOD. The level of fucked up communication...I cannot.

Do people normally like, argue back when you say "hey this isn't working for me and I'm breaking up with you?" Like is that a thing? because that shouldn't be a thing. One person can make that decision about a relationship at any time. If someone says "I need out," then that's it. Finito. No mas. Right? RIGHT?!

Also, is having inside thoughts a thing of the past? I've actually befriended ex during the brief time that they and roommate were together but as of today they are on thin fucking ice with both me and MFH because they just...say stupid shit. They like full on swallowed both feet to the knee and rolled around the room like a hoop and stick game at a historic site. Like "I know what I'm about to say is inappropriate but I'm going to tell you about it anyway...123 GO." and then just verbal diarrhea. Do people just do that now? Does it now cost money to keep your mouth shut? Because back in my day it cost 0 dollars and no cents to say nothing.

There's also the fact that roommate has said all along that they want to be friends with ex after breaking up. They then proceeded to ...not do that, which made ex confused and agitated. This became my problem, which I endured for a time because it linked somewhat to the brain stuff that ex is sorting out, but at this point I've set firm boundaries and if there's any more bullshit I'm done. MFH doesn't like ex, roommate doesn't want ex around, they are putting up with them because ostensibly ex and I are friends but like.

Are we

Are we really

I'm treating them like I would treat a friend. They are saying stupid shit and telling me things they should be telling their therapist. I'm thinking this smells kinda fishy.

Caught a stomach flu off a mate when I went out drinking was bedbound for two days lol I thought it was one night then I noticed it were fkin Tuesday.. I went out sat nite. 👾🙄

I was completely out of it, stuck in bed n had little sips of water between trying to rest and forget about all the pain I was in. Just crying an writhing in agony for few days wishing someone was there.

Then sum of my mates msged me after.

I felt like every1 forgot me but tbh I was sick and delirious lmao couldn't speak or think coherently for the past few days.

So when I saw ppl had msged it was comforting cos I'd just been stressed out n overthinking a lot rly.

Anyways didn't eat the few days b4 drinking then obvs couldn't when I was in bed for 2 1/2 days but I've been pretty swollen all over so I just hope things go bk to normal once I've got better.

Put diet on hold but can't eat lots I'm gonna try to be healthy tho.

I managed some soup n buttered toast but didn't finish them again do feel a ton better tho I'm not gonna count cals if I can and I'm gonna try to eat better nxt few days till I'm gd again.

I was scared it was my kidneys cos I've got issues now from all this and the drinking n drugs ofc.

Too much fasting and lots of weed n coke apparently ain't any good for ur kidney functionality aha.

In my case it's usually fasting plus coke or drinking lots (Bearing in mind that I eat the least at these times) that sets it off for me. I feel like things are changing in my mindset tho.

I need 2 b less of a twat with my health. Anyway dumb decisions aside imma try to sleep.

Gonna watch a studio ghibli movie n get 2 bed. <3

So anyways

Ignore me for a moment while i incoherently vent and scream under the cut bc yeah :)

We had an IT group assignment that was the first actual assignment with points that we just finished last week and i basically stayed up late an entire week bc i had to help add info and correct their fking grammar bc theyre not competent enough to do it themselves or even try to search it up to see so i have to wait for them to finish their own parts only then can i check their grammar bc this is a fkin group project which would affect my marks as well so i cant not do it and the points i helped added bc they said it wasn’t long enough the teacher said was not needed so an entire part was deleted which was several wasted hours and mentality and I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO REDO AND REARRANGE AND CHECK GRAMMAR AGAIN

Then another IT assignment the next week yes group assignment we had to make an advertisement type shit and this has no marks so im not too concerned or else i would seriously have just flipped and oh guess what i have to come up with the shit again and oh lookie surprise surprise everything is last minute and im still not informed of what shit they want me to do and theyre going to push it to me last minute again i just fking know it bc THATS WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME and im gonna actually fking lose it

And oh lookie another assignment from another class which hey the deadline is next week WHICH IS THE SAME WEEK ON A FKING LAB TEST FOR THE SAME CLASS AND WE HAD ANOTHER ASSIGNMENT PASSED TO US BY THE OTHER CLASS ON THAT SAME DAY AS THE PREVIOUS WHICH IS ALSO DEADLINED ON NEXT WEEK AND THE FKING MID TERMS ARE ALSO ON OCTOBER WHICH THE ACADEMIC ENGLISH TEACHER IS CRAMMING WORK FOR US TO DO FOR AND I HAVE TWO INCOMPLETE WORKS FOR THAT CLASS STILL BC I DO NOT HAVE THE TIME NOR MENTALITY AND WE STILL HAVE MORE WORK IN THAT CLASS BC SHE GIVES US NEW WORK IN CLASS EVERY FKING WEEK WHICH IS USUALLY MORE THAN TWO DIFFERENT SECTIONS HOLY SHIT FUCK

AND WE JUST COMPLETED ANOTHER ASSIGNMENT FOR ANOTHER CLASS LAST WEEK WHICH EVERY CLASS THE TEACHER GIVES US A WEEKLY WORK AND I HAVENT COMPLETED MULTIPLE YET BC HE HAS TWO DIFFERENT CLASSES AND BOTH HAVE WEEKLY WORK AND YOU NEED TO DO A LOT OF SHIT FOR THEM AND IT JUST GETS SO CONFUSING BC BOTH CLASSES OF HIS ARE CONTINUOUS ON TWO DAYS AND WE GET SO CONFUSED ON WHICH BELONGS TO WHICH AND IM FKING LOSING IT

I CANT FKING FOCUS THERES TOO MUCH AND THE ACADEMIC ENGLISH TEACHER WAS JUST ASKING US TO WRITE AN ESSAY ON WHY STUDENTS STRESS SO MUCH LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO AND I WANTED TO SCREAM FK DAMN IT

If anyone thinks im surviving college no im not

Fuck this shit.

Who tf can complete like 8 different assignments and stuff in such a short amount of time and still have to do in class work as well that we need to finish and pass up in class? My usual classes lasts until from 9/10am to 4/5pm i need to go home and rest and do my shit and eat and my personal life shit stuff and sleep???? Where and what tf is time???? I am not a productive person i have no motivation for shit and this just makes me even more unable to do shit bc im too mentally tired just thinking of it and the stress just sets in and i become unable to do shit

I hate myself for procrastinating and all this mental instability bc i could have probably gotten at least quite a bit of all that done with the time i have but right now i just cant even do shit bc standing up and even just existing alrdy makes me feel tired im so done with all this shit and myself

Binding Part Four

Celeste started to get Clean following some guidance from Lucian, Lucian invites her out on a date for Love Day, "you dont need to be alone today" it was a simple date at Starbucks but everything she needed, Celeste needed simple. Which is why she decided to finally clear the air with Vlad, so she goes to his house and an argument ensues, after she finds out he has a set of twins by Lakeshia, she woman she shot and killed. Celeste: I can't believe you,Vlad: We aren't together Celeste! Celeste: Yeah because you fkin behind my back. How can you give that bish Kids!Vlad: Oh thats rich coming from you, I gave you a few too if I recall, what happened to them Celeste.Celeste: Fk you, this is why I am done with youVlad: OH now you done? you love a pity party for yo ass and you don't even know who you are, you mad at me for not wanting to be with you after I found you tricking at the club? you playing rightCeleste: Fk you, Ive changed, you dont even gotta worry about it anymore. Vlad: Yeah okay. Celeste leaves the house and goes to Lucians, upset. But he calms her down. "You don't have to worry about that no more" They laugh, they kiss they fuck. It feels right until there's a knock at the door. Vlad comes into the house. and him and Celeste start arguing, and he slaps her in the face. Vlad:"So you leave me to run to some puppies house!"Celeste: I told you, you dont have to worry about me no more, just leave me alone I am done.Vlad: Oh i dont gotta worry about you no more, like i gotta worry about my baby mother, you know the one you murdered. and left behind twins.Celeste: Fk you that bitch punched me in the stomach after you lead her ass to my house. I was pregnant! What about my baby, that was yo baby too. But fk me right. Vlad: *Looks up at Lucian who's walked in the room* So this your new man huh? Vlad slaps Lucian and proceeds to get his ass beat, he gets mad and punches Celeste in the face, "Fk you and your graveyard of a womb all the kids you yeeted and you mad at me for having mine. He leaves the house and limps house after this. Celeste cries with Lucian all night. The next day, Celeste is at home nursing her face and Vlad shows up again and they begin fighting again, Celeste calls the police, and they show up and state they see nothing Suspicious about Vlad, feeling Cornered she calls Lucian to come over, which prompts Vlad to leave. Time goes by and as things are getting back to normal, she finds out she is pregnant; she begins therapy to cope with the things that have happened. She goes to break things off implacable with Vlad, before going to tell Lucian the news, neither her nor Lucian took this well, but she is torn on what to do. Should she keep this one? In light of what happened she doesn't want to but, this baby survived that turmoil too, she finds out its a boy, and time is running out.

*busts down ur door*

I don’t think I’ve sent you anything for an event before and I’m SO SORRY 🥺

- I have 3 styles: hoodie and leggings, pjs, or full face makeup and an actual outfit (usually business casual, office appropriate, ie: I look like I have a client meeting in a board room and am doing a presentation)

- tropes: coffee shop regular falls in love with owner, roommates who fall in love, hot neighbour, both people are idiots but in love, arranged marriage where one person is super fkin mean to the other for seemingly no reason but falls in love at the end only after hella angst

- annoying thing that I do: I don’t like to fight and I won’t if I don’t care enough about what we’re fighting about, so often I’ll just say “ok I’m done arguing over this” and walk away.

- anyone from hq or aot!!!

Thank u so much Pluto 🥺🥺

OMG SUZZZ MY LOVELY!!! i'm so glad you're here :)

I MATCH YOU WITH...

ERWIN SMITH

omg there's no better fit in my mind for you than THE erwin smith. like how you just described yourself, especially your style, mhm he would be so into that. he loves not knowing which version of you he's gonna get with each passing day

HE WORKS for every single one of the tropes you listed. coffee shop regular falls in love with the owner? he's the owner that ALWAYS sees you at one of the tables in his quaint, aesthetic cafe with your head down, pounding out paperwork and assignments one by one. it gets to the point where he genuinely feels responsible for you and your health. he gets worried and concerned that you're not eating enough, drinking enough water, etc and do you know what he does? he extends the coffee shop menu to serve real meals. healthy, hearty food so that you weren't only living off of caffeine whilst in his presence.

hot neighbour trope you said? this thot leaves his house in 5 inch shorts from lululemon mens. you avoid leaving your house because it's like???? you don't need to run into him and start drooling immediately. he acts all oblivious to it too, and honestly... i think he genuinely is oblivious to all the neighbourhood attention he gets. anyways, he's always the first person to offer his help for any issues you're experiencing. leaky pipe? he's on it. your car battery is dead? he's handling it. all while shirtless, so yeah. perfection.

ARRANGED MARRIAGE TROPE? my mf fav. a mf classic. you know erwin fits perfectly with that, right? an equally advantageous marriage for the both of you but he makes it out to be like he's the one doing you a favour. fast forward to when his head is in your lap after a rough day and he can't stop thinking about how awful he treated you in the beginning. he's set to right his wrongs and be the husband you always deserved. one day at a time.

you two would be the rich, successful hot couple everyone envies but adores. people who don't believe in soulmates rethink everything when they see you and erwin together <333

💖, 😐, ✏️, 👖 , 🍰!

Ah thank you for indulging me :) I'm excited to answer these bad boys. So we have:

💖 What do you like most about your own writing?

😐 What embarrasses you most about your own writing?

✏️ Do you write every day?

👖 Are you a planner, plantser, or pantser? Is it consistent?

🍰 Name one of your fave comfort fics (doesn’t have to be your all time fave).

I will answer below the cut because I write way too much :)

💖 What do you like most about your own writing?

Damn, kinda wish I was answering this while having one of my god-complex moments... but either way lmao I like that I don't give a fuck in a lot of regards. Like, I write to give my writing its own unique voice, not to necessarily follow writing rules... if that makes sense? If I'm going to toot my own horn, I also think I can be pretty funny and I have my moments of being clever. I also like my dialogue but only after I've spent at least an entire week agonizing over it.

😐 What embarrasses you most about your own writing?

God, where do I even start lol. All of it? I'm really bad at spelling lmao. I always have been. It's definitely super embarrassing when spellcheck or my beta can't even read what I'm trying to say, but I'm getting better. Sometimes I also get embarrassed at the amount of cursing I write into my fic lolz. Like, I delete so many fucks before we get to a chapter worth posting, if you can believe that. I also think I can be a little cliche and redundant, but also I don't really give a fuck because it's fanfiction--of course, it's going to be a little cliche.

Okay, wait. I thought about it more. Probably the most embarrassing part of my writing right now is how personal some of the shit is to me. Like putting my own struggles with sobriety and mental health out there by projecting them onto fictional characters (my fave coping mechanism lol) and then having people comment on said struggles, its embarrassing as fuck. Especially when somebody comments and calls a character on their shit, and the shit is something I used to do or maybe even still do, sometimes it makes me want to self-destruct from embarrassment. But also it's helpful for me, so idk. I think that teaching teenagers has helped me learn how to embrace the embarrassment and use it to my advantage to like... grow and shit, y'know? 

✏️ Do you write every day?

During the summer, especially yes. And during the school year, I definitely try, and my definition of writing is very loose and inclusive because of that. If I open the document and like add at least one word, I have written. And maybe you disagree with me, but it makes writing accessible to me and gets rid of a lot of the guilt I feel about writing 'enough'. 

Something is always better than nothing and ‘something’ is not 'half-assing' it, are both things I constantly remind myself about writing.

👖 Are you a planner, plantser, or pantser? Is it consistent?

I love this question hehe. I'm somewhere in the middle. When I first started re-writing Barriers from its original 2013 shitshow, I kinda just went full fucking pantser trying to edit the original chapters without any clear vision of where I was going other than the hazy goal I had as a fucking 16-year-old lmao. This was about a year ago, like end of summer before I started posting on AO3.

Then as the school year started approaching and I was planning my curriculum for the year... I was like wait a damn minute, why don't I use the same backward planning I use to teach, in my writing? So I spent a few days compiling a super sloppy (kind of chronological) list of what I wanted to happen in the fic and how I wanted it to end. Then I sat down and hammered out a neat(er) outline of the entire fic, starting from the end. It's not a super detailed outline, but it helps me think about what needs to happen in order to get the ending I want. I never thought teaching would help me with fic writing, but here we are lmao.

So then the points in the outline help me write chapters, but from there I kinda let the characters do them lol. Of course, I always have like a chapter goal and a basic outline (backward planned of course~) on the top of the page, but sometimes I have a scene in my head that needs to get on that fucking page and I'll do that before I even get an outline down. I also have an entire Google doc of Random Scenes that don’t have a chapter home yet, so sometimes I dump those kinds of Need To Be Written ASAP type drabbles there and then plop them into the outlined chapter when ready. I’m not sure if that made any actual sense lmao but moving on

So if I’m writing and shit gets so off the rails that it doesn't exactly follow the outline anymore, I'll go back to the outline and reevaluate. If it fits and I prefer what I’ve written to the outline, I can change it. I don't like to think of my outline as like a set in stone type of deal, more so a dynamic guide document that might shift with the story as it's written. Which is okay :)

So long answer short: Big planner girl with occasional pantser tendencies lmao.

🍰 Name one of your fave comfort fics (doesn’t have to be your all time fave).

I may or may not be the most predictable bitch ever... but @modern-tsunamis wrote Long Story Short (the world's cutest fkin Graire oneshot) for me as a gift in the Bokumono Winter exchange this year, and I shit you not I read it more than I'd like to publicly admit lmao. Its just such an easy, relaxing read that makes me feel. So like... if you haven't read it, do it!!!

Thanks again for the asks @dougs-inn!! These were a blast to answer :) 

I think it’s time i rant why i ship the Commander with Caithe.

And not specifically MY commander, but the general commander character. (which is why i don’t care that my Commander happens to be male)

I don’t even know where to start... i guess for clarifications:

I personally don’t feel either way for Caithe. I guess i like her but she wouldn’t be on my top 10-20 favourit character list.

When i first played Guild Wars 2(yes my main character is my first ever character) i played through with the mindset that i am this charr and i will make the choices that i think will save the most lives(lel.... later on i learned it didn’t matter). So when i plowed through the personal story of the Commander i was in the mindset of “I AM A CHARR!!! AND IN THIS WORLD OF CONSTANT BATTLE I AM THE DEADLIEST WEAPON OF ALL!” (also mild Denalien influence but Denalien is intertvined with my being so... let’s not go into that)

I LOVED that Rytlock was badass and unflinching and angry i guess in simpler way: Charr = GW2′s version of orks(WoW) which means Rytlock = Thrall but actually badass.

By pure coincidence i made the choices that made me meet with mainly charr characters and it made me believe it’s because i chose charr that i meet charr. Later on i learned that... no... i just chose the paths that made me meet charr.

Queue in the story instances from 10 to 80, and past-kehideni notices a pattern. Rytlock is not the one that your character connects to the most.

I know, the letters you get are all from Rytlock when you are a charr, but the one other person Arenanet pushes your Commander to connect with is- you guessed it- Caithe.

Twilight Arbor- now you would argue Rytlock Logan and Caithe but Rytlock leaves before you start fighting any nightmare court and Logan after just a bunch of spiders. Canonically, it’s just the Commander and Caithe. Nothing actually that i’d noticed when playing through because the Commander only asks questions from Caithe that i’d want to know anyway. However this instance literally has established a connection between the two that later on gets referenced in a throwaway speechline with someone you’ll be surprised by. We’ll get to that.

Sorrow’s Embrace- Eir, Zojja and Caithe: the Commander asks Caithe for information (of course, who else. Not like they can ask Zojja at that moment, but these are all just starting off things)

Honor of the Waves- Eir and Caithe: the Commander tells Caithe to shut up and let Eir come to the right conclusion herself which makes me laugh to this day xD (This is where my personal meme comes from “Shut up, Kyle Caithe!”)

Ruined city of Arah- the Commander sasses Caithe. Basically in the story instances the Commander and Caithe work towards the same goal, to reunite Destiny’s Edge.

Things happen in the between though: There is this quest where Trahearne and the Commander enter a vision of the Pale Tree. In there, the Pale Tree tells the Commander that they MUST reunite Destiny’s Edge and this is where Twilight Arbor greets back a bit. 

When you walk past the members you hear them talk to each other, blame each other.

Caithe however stands out because she isn’t talking with one of her friends, she talks to Faolain. The crazy part is that in this vision you are not supposed to AND can’t talk to any vision-npc.... that is except for Faolain herself. But let’s see what happened beforehand:

Narratively speaking when a character says they are alone and tired, it’s supposed to elicit protectiveness from the viewer and/or empathy.

“So here i am a bulky a** charr, why is her love life any of my buisness?” - very emotional quote from kehideni of the past

Aaaaaha... sure whatever you say Trahearne, but wait.. because here comes the kicker. The ACTUAL kicker where past-kehideni went 

“Wait jus- hold on just a minute here...”

Faolain that was awfully possessive of you, i’m a big a** charr. What competition would i be in this future-vision to you? And then the Commander says “I won’t let Caithe fall into nightmare.”

A little bit of extra:

“Pft... whatever... you’re just her ex.” says the Commander. :v

In Arah Caithe thanks you for saving Destiny’s Edge (also interestingly she is the chosen companion npc as she’s the one that resses you if you get downed) and at the end of the fight she says that all of Tyria is in the Commander’s debt. Ok ... casual stuff. She’s been thanking the Commander left and right that day. As if she didn’t drive home the fact that she’s grateful she thanks the Commander once again at the end party and also is the one to suggest the Commander should go after the rest of the Elder Dragons too.

The next you meet her is the Aetherblade path in Twilight Arbor, the narrative distances Caithe from the Commander. By this time canonically they are friends, duh. So it’s like a friend has a side the Comm didn’t know so far. Nothing interesting yet, let’s hurry on.

She attends the summit, of course she does. You can’t talk with her.

In Echoes of the Past Comm saves her, their talk is still friendly but distanced. I do want to note that Canach and Caithe are so similar in attitude xD

Tangled Paths: Comm goes up to her to talk and she says “don’t mind me” and proceeds to follow you around and friendly-mocks you as “boss”. We know NOW why, but not back then. This is important because not long before this i realised that the Comm can’t possibly be me. It’s MassEffect’s case of Commander Shepard. You controll them but they are their own character and your choices have only slight weight in the story because the Commanders’ choices are already set in stone by the actual writers. What you CAN do is write the WHY parts, and this is soon the part where my writing interferes with actual canon but you’ll see my reasonings.

When the Comm talks with Caithe she’s the most civil with them among their allies. (We later learn it was to keep the Comm. in the dark.)

The beauty of this scene is that Caithe WILL learn why a mother can’t keep their eyes off of their children.

“Is that a problem?” “Not for me.” Still can take this line as civil but kinda funny line in hindsight. (Get it? Because it will be a problem for them.)

So Caithe’s betrayal happens, and the Comm is FURIOUS!

Lol my charr is too tall, but the shot was meant to place the Comm face to face with Caithe because in the next shot she looks them in the eye and goes for the egg.

When Marjory notes that Caithe is a Sylvari the Comm goes defensive “So? What are you trying to say?” Their friend would never do that- is what narratively they want to convey, but later on in HoT the Comm reacts so harshly to her betrayal i took the wheel a bit.

I mean let’s add up what the Comm knows: Mordremoth created the sylvari, he has mental access to them, he can mind controll them, fool them if they are too strongwilled to do his bidding. Caithe is a sylvari with a strong will. If she betrayed them it’s not of her free mind. It’s like the victim-blaming when a girl gets drugged and they take her body to do as they please. Try as she might she wasn’t clear in the head but she made it clear later on that she didn’t want to betray the Comm. Why would she after all she can be thankful for to the Comm?

So what gives? Well in my mind, the only way to rectify Anet’s nonsense writing(they should really stop reading GW2 reddit forums, not a good place to be influenced with) is to give the Comm a reason to take it to heart a bit too much, say... if they were harboring feelings for her. In my mind it adds up.

So HoT happens, and Caudecus is making his move.

Where next you meet Caithe: Out of the Shadows. (fitting title for her, huh?)

I’m just gonna link the video with timestamp, that whole part is reconciling:

https://youtu.be/AABguDwhieE?t=2612

At this point the writing of GW2 seems to take a chillpill so i go with the flow. The Comm realising that he overreacted inspects himself: Why? This is the part the Comm realises that “oh sheet, they got them feels.”

Aurene hatches, Caithe is there.

The first time the Comm is voiced in LW and he jokes around with a character it’s with Caithe.

Comm: “I’d feel better if someone i knew was watching the chamber.”

Caithe fishing for the one line that would reassure her that the Comm talking with her actually means that they are ok with her now: “Someone you trust?”

Comm: “Yeah, so... could you ask Taimi to get her right away?”

Caithe relieved her relationship with Comm is safe: “You’re joking with me, i take that as a good sign.” They talk around a bit more, they are healing and that’s adorable.

Later on she thanks the Comm for letting her prove herself to them by looking out for Aurene.

Path of Fire happens, she’s like throwaway-ly mentioned by Taimi.

I was all, “Well, goodbye Caithe you got Zojja’d, it was a good headcannon while it lasted” but THENNNNNNN ARENANET THROWS ME THIS

Like... are you fkin’ kidding me. This line alone means that she’s been stalking the Commander IN STEALTH ATLEAST since they met Zafirah in Sun’s Refuge!!! THE BARE MINIMUM SHE SAW FROM STEALTH WAS THE COMM GOING IN ON A SUICIDE MISSION, HOW ABOUT SOME HELP YOU CONNIVING VEGETAB- sorry... my personal annoyance at her came out.

Back to story, after this All or Nothing happens where the Comm and Caithe are confirmed parents of Aurene. When Aurene branded Caithe only the Comm asked if she was still herself, not even Rytlock nor Logan, the actual two people who know her longest. The Comm and Caithe are constantly paralleled next to Aurene as her “champions” because dragons apparently don’t have parental bonds*sarcasm* :V

Requiem happens and Rytlock himself says he sees it now. Coincidentally as of writing this he is going through the very same trauma Caithe and Comm went through when Aurene died.

Caithe calls for Comm to return to her because she needs them, and the Comm tells everyone they should go and spend whatever time they have with people they love. Implying that Aurene is who Comm loves but then again Caithe is there too. The 3 of them were going to spend the last of their lives with each other. (not saying they don’t love the rest of the group, but had they decided to leave, the 3 would still stay together.)

As from War Eternal to till now their co-parental connection is getting stronger.

2x11 The Witch's Quickening

Hey Arthur, remember last time you were on a manhunt in Camelot and it led you to Morgana's chambers, and she talked you out of searching them and later admitted that she'd been hiding a fugitive in there? Have you learned NOTHING

And Merlin too, he doesn't like, double back and confront Morgana or suggest Arthur do that?

Why is Arthur yelling at Merlin so much in this? Who wrote this episode.

::Coin watch the show instead of playing on her phone challenge::

Morgana being manipulated by a nine year old

Why is Arthur insulting the food as if Merlin cooked it himself? Every other meal he brings up is from the palace kitchens but on this occasion Merlin cooked himself? Ok.

Even the fkin dragon is OOC in this ep

Morgana is so much more intelligent than this.

Gaius needs to bring this to Uther in the throne room like a member of the public? He couldn't get a private audience with the king? Ok.

I really don't remember this episode being so terrible, maybe I'm in a bad mood.

You know, not for nothing, but from Mordred's perspective Merlin is being an absolute dick, not only siding with the oppressor but actively working to sabotage their plans and hurt their people. As we, the audience, are privy to the reasons behind this, WE don't necessarily questions Merlin's actions, WE know he's after the crystal because he's trying to prevent Mordred and Morgana from teaming up and bringing harm to Arthur - that's all good and well but like... Merlin could never bring himself to kill Mordred because he's just a boy, but yet he's allowed the boy to go off and become somewhat radicalized (I say 'somewhat' because honestly, it's not all that radical to plot to overthrow the king that has been waging a genocidal war against your people for twenty fucking years) without ever trying to bring him into the fold. If Merlin had explained his and Arthur's destinies to the boy, made an argument for waiting out Uther's reign in the hope that Arthur's reign will bring peace and magic back to Camelot, but which may not happen if he sees his father killed by sorcerers, and explained his reasons for hiding who he is from Morgana, regardless of Mordred's ultimate destiny to be Arthur's doom, Merlin would've at least had a shot at cultivating an alliance or at very least an understanding between them. Instead, all Mordred sees is this supremely powerful sorcerer who isn't even a druid, serving the very people that would bring an end to their entire race if they could. Although, it seems as tho Mordred has forgotten who exactly snuck him out of the castle and back to the druid camp in three first place. Makes you wonder if Morgana never explained to him that she was believed to have been kidnapped when they found her with the druids last time, and that she went along with that lie for her own safety.

Tl;dr: communication is important kids!

Do I even need to point out how much sense Morgana's little tiff with Uther did not make? Or her sudden distrust of Gwen? If anything she should think Gwen would be an ally considering a) her father was killed by Uther, as an innocent victim of Uther's war on magic, b) Gwen was party to Morgana's previous involvement in aiding and abetting a druid fugitive, c) Gwen L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y sacrificed herself to save Morgana from Hengist's men, the is zero reason to question Guinevere's loyalty to Morgana, and d) Gwen has never said a WORD against sorcery or hinted at any kind of prejudice against druids or anyone with magic.

I looked up the writing credit for this, it's Jake Michie who is also credited with some fantastic episodes like Lancelot, Beauty and the beast, and the Lamia to name a few. It was directed by Alice Troughton who has also done some good eps, including other eps written by Jake Michie, so like I really don't understand what went wrong here.

Oh God there's a commentary track on this episode. I don't wannnnnaaaaaa but maybe I'll learn something, like why it turned out the way it did.

Commentary by Julian Murphy, Alice Troughton, and Katie. I do not have high hopes.

Katie right off the bat explaining shit that's important to note, God I love her on these tracks. Apparently, this was one of the last things to be shot (Merlin films everything out of order and films several episodes concurrently, depending on filming location.) and it was being shot while three other episodes were being wrapped up - so they had FOUR episodes filming concurrently and a lot of THIS episode was directed by Julian Murphy, and Jeremy shot some of it as well. This COULD explain a lot of the inconsistency, but I question how much since Julian seems to be involved in filming lots of scenes in lots of episodes. But I guess it's possible that just that on top of the rush to finish and the pressure of so many spinning plates in the air right at the end. They've just said that for this episode they had the least amount of days to shoot it out of all the episodes they've done, which is partly why they had so much going at once. It's as good a reason as any to explain it being so off, but I don't really see that explaining the wildly off characterization.

Katie going on the whole thing about Alvarr-as-revolutionary and Alice picks up on Morgana's sort of desire to be in that position and they're having a quite meaningful discussion then Julian:I think she just thinks he's hot 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Katie says the script changed a lot even as it was filming, and that things were being changed as it was filmed so I'm kind of thinking for whatever reason this entire thing was a mess and that's why it came across looking so disjointed to me.

At least Julian realize the soup scene was terrible.

Idk why they're ganging up on Katie over the chemistry between her and Alvarr. She says she wasn't playing it that way and that she wasn't feeling it and they're just like "yea uh huh sure."

They're talking about having two units filming like a few feet away from each other in the forest, while there is another two units going in France.

Julian says they had added Alvarr's girlfriend in because they wanted to dramatize his charisma and calculation... but it's not manipulation - ?????????? Someone get the man a dictionary. 'We added a random blonde in four him to kiss so that the audience knows he's got a girl already, who sees him working his charm on Morgana and comments on it 'you played her well', but Alvarr isn't actually manipulative' ??????????

They've just pointed out two entire significant beats within a sequence that was constructed on set and off script. Arthur's confrontation with Alvarr in the forest and Merlin's slow motion tracking the crystal to show its got a powerful draw. The more they describe the specifics of filming the more it sounds like an utter disaster which kind of makes me feel bad for being so harsh on the episode.

I keep having to rewind to focus on what they're saying and I feel like I've been watching this episode for about 4 hours.

Awkward bit of prop-exposure there. Trying to work out what LK could even stand for.

Idk everyone's really happy with this scene between Morgana and Uther and I'm still sitting here thinking the dialogue was utterly ridiculous.

They talked about changing that final scene, where Uther clearly knows/suspects it was Morgana who helped Alvarr escape, so that it doesn't prematurely push the story too far ahead. They cut a look Morgana gives Merlin which, rightfully so, because it would've been too much too soon. The ending to this episode still feels wholly unsatisfying to me. I understand the little tag with the dragon yelling for Merlin to release him, I don't mean that, but the ending to the main story where Alvarr just escapes and Uther not only accepts that but also accepts that Morgana must've helped him. Overall Uther's been entirely sort of neutered throughout this episode, which I understand that partially has to do with it being Morgana, but like, in previous episodes when she's been so defiant against him, he's had her by the throat and locked her in a dungeon overnight. So I just doubt understand him being so subdued here, especially since he directly threatened her when he found pr Mordred escaped, and now another druid's escaped and he essentially knows she was involved given how she spoke to him, yet he doesn't do anything? Just wildly inconsistent behavior.

Anyway apologies for overanalyzing this episode, I realize I tore it apart pretty thoroughly during the commentary and the post became quite long. I wish there was a way to add a cut on mobile but there isn't. I'll have the S2 finale post up in a few hours - I might hold off on posting until I've watched the extras, I didn't do that for S1 but then I felt the extras didn't quite warrant a whole post on their own, so I might just tack on any thoughts I have to the 2x12 post. We'll see.

intro.

do I follow everyone else? yes. do I want to be the only one that doesn’t share insight on their life? absolutely not.

so, I’m rachael, sometimes known as bob if you were given the story behind that nickname. if not, you’re still welcome to call me that because I’m more likely to answer to it. I’m 27 years old (yeah, I’m fkin old), and I have the stupidest, weirdest sense of humor I’ve ever encountered. lots of dad jokes. lots of screaming. 

I have five (FIVE) nieces and nephews. they range from eight years old (my sweet eldest niece) to one year old (my goofball baby nephew), and I talk about them most often than not. there’s one in particular that gets a lot of storytime, but it’s because he inherited my weirdest traits. I also have a dog who is neurotic, anxious, and allergic to everything. so if you want puppy pictures, just slide into my DMs and I’ll provide. 

I’m EST and I work in an office setting. we aren’t working from home currently, but my hours did gt cut so some days I’ll be around with full attention and others will be like today where I have to just stalk the dash and harrass people (summer. I harrass summer). sometimes at night I can be caught watching Sims Let’s Play videos and making Sims. currently I’m working on the Disney princesses and have photos in case you want to feed my need to show them off like my children.

I only have two muses currently, but I know my lack of self control and know I’ll have five when all is said and done. I like to think they’re diverse, but in all honesty they have bits of me in them. I don’t control them, they control me. sometimes I can be pretty bad at getting plots going, but I promise I want to write with each and every one of you, so if you see me online and I’m silent, just shoot me a DM!

 I only bite on Tuesdays but I crack jokes on the daily.

edit: honorable mention to Anna’s baby niece for being my pseudo nibling, but an even bigger shoutout to her dog, Willie Shakesbeard, as he is my child. thank you and carry on. 

to find peace | a.i

pairing: reader x ashton requested: no notes: so after the suffering @plainwhiteluke put us thru with fading (i’m so fkin proud of her omg) and the weekend from hell, this got written and it is pure fluff. enjoy.  warnings: none word count: 2k

---

The week was already overwhelming.

It was like the world was testing her resolve and her limit was slowly being reached.

She could feel the stress headache that was forming alongside the earache that had been building up for weeks. Today seemed to be the last straw for her temper as she reached the shop floor, a foot colliding with hers which sent her sprawling across the ground.

“Watch where you’re going shop girl!” A sharp voice snapped and she pulled in a deep breath, willing herself not to snap or cry.

“Sorry.” She managed to convey an apologetic tone, despite the bubbling emotions under the surface.

“Bloody useless staff members.” The customer muttered before leaving the shop. She pulled herself up off the floor, collecting the cash control book and banking stuff.

“You want me to lock the door?” Her sales assistant, Marley, called over and she nodded, tugging the lanyard that held the shop keys on and chucking it over as she walked to the tills.

Once the door was shut and locked, she kept her anger in as she set the tills up to be cashed up and began to get everything sorted out. The cashing up didn’t take too long, mercifully the tills being spot on. She got the sales posted off whilst Marley bagged up the tills and handed her the floats.

“Thanks for staying late today, I know you had plans.” Her voice was filled with gratitude towards the younger girl who shrugged.

“It’s fine. I know this week’s been tough, so I figured one evening isn’t a total loss. You got plans tonight?”

“I should be heading home, but I got a text from Ash asking if I wanted to do the shopping tonight so I could sleep in tomorrow.” Marley chuckled at that as she entered the office and locked up the safe keys and the floats. Once she checked there was nothing needed doing to keep her longer than necessary, she headed into the staff room and collected her stuff from her locker.

“At least you can enjoy tomorrow. Is it a big shop you need to do?” Marley enquired as the two of them tugged on their coats and scarves. The January was not as forgiving and they knew the temperature had dropped even more now the sun had set.

“No, I think Ash just wants to do some basic meal prep for the week. Since I’ve got it off, he doesn’t want to spend too much time cooking and at the moment, with how I’m feeling with my earache, I’ve not had much of an appetite, so he’s determined to try some new soup flavours.” The two of them giggled at that before they headed out, checking the lights were all switched off and the heating was turned off.

“Any big plans for the week?”

“Recovery day tomorrow. Then I don’t really know. The boys have been itching to show me around LA since I moved here, but never had the time.” This part was true, since the move from England to LA to manage a new store, the boys had been ecstatic and determined to show her the best places in LA.

But being a manager of a new store meant almost no time off, especially over Christmas.

“Does this mean you get to take them to some of the best places back home?” Marley inquired as she set the alarm.

She laughed as she unlocked the door and let the two of them out.

“I’ve told them that there’s nothing interesting about the town I lived in for a few years before I moved out here. But they won’t hear anything of it. That’s why the company are eventually giving me an assistant manager and deputy manager because when they head back to the UK, I’ve requested the time off to go with them and the company agreed on the basis I head to a couple of the UK stores and meet up with the Heads at their main offices in London.”

Marley grinned as the alarm set once the doors were locked.

“Well, I hope you enjoy this week off and let me know if you need me to book you into the spa.” She laughed.

“Are you that determined to get your hands on me, Marl?” They giggled together, their laughter echoing on the empty street.

“Of course. You’d get boss’ discount too.”

“I’ll text you and see if I can fit it into the week. See you later Marley.” She waved Marley off as the younger girl headed in the opposite direction. You headed to the corner of the street, waiting only a few more moments before Ashton pulled up next to you.

“Ride for lovely girlfriend of mine.” He teased as she slid into the car. She leaned over and kissed his cheek in greeting before getting her belt on and he peeled away from the side, making his way to the grocery store.

“It’s only a small list. I’ve got a bunch of recipes that I want to try, and I’m determined to make the broccoli and cheese soup.”

“Works for me.” She hummed softly, leaning back in the chair, her eyes falling shut in relief at being able to sit down. A hand slid into hers and a smile twitched at her lips as Ashton lifted her knuckles to his lips, a small kiss to them making her heart melt.

“The day is nearly over, love.” He murmured.

“I know. It’s just been a day filled with assholes. My ear has really been hurting today and we had some bellends just as we were closing up. Apparently I’m just a useless shop girl.” She snorted at that, finally opening her eyes to glance over and an amused smile was on his lips.

“Bellends, huh?”

“I have another word I could use, first letter beginning with c, last letter ending in t.” Came the tart reply and Ashton outright laughed.

“Wow, they must have really upset you to use that word.” He murmured as they pulled into the parking lot and she nodded.

“Honestly. The last couple were lucky that I didn’t swear at them as they left. I know you wanted to get this out of the way tonight so we don’t have to leave the house tomorrow or even unlock the door, but I’m just so damn tired.” He squeezed her hand tightly.

“We’ll be in and out before you know it. Promise.” He hummed and she sighed before nodding.

When they got into the store, they didn’t rush, he could see how exhausted she was. His arm slid around her waist and placed a kiss to her temple.

“How ‘bout you go and get some bread and a pizza for us. I’ll grab the last little bits on the other side.” He murmured and she nodded her head, turning her head to meet his lips before they split off.

The bubbling emotions returned when she couldn’t find the pizza that she’d already settled on having, reminding herself that it was a small thing, she didn’t need to fret over it.

It was when she couldn’t find the usual bread that she had that she could feel the tears bubble to the surface.

“Are you alright there ma’am?” One of the shop assistants caught her attention, hastily wiping at the tears of frustration.

“Sorry, it’s been a long day and I can’t find the super seeded loaf.” She explained and he smiled kindly before his own eyes scanned the shelves. It took him a few minutes before he pulled a tray from the bottom, replacing one of the empty tray with it and there it was, the bread she was looking for.

“It seems someone didn’t change over the trays. Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine, thank you.” Once she collected the bread, she slowly made her way down the aisle, spotting Ashton with ease as he exited one a few rows from her.

His eyes took in her exhausted frame as she reached him and he opened his arms up immediately.

“I cried because I couldn’t find the fucking bread.” Her soft mutter reached his ears and he wrapped his arm around her tightly, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head.

“Let’s get home.”

Once the shopping was done and paid for, she could feel the struggle to keep her eyes open as she responded to a few texts, her hand resting on his on the gear shift.

As they got home and put the shopping away, she made some toast to nibble on as they moved around the kitchen and she could feel her exhaustion so close to the surface and Ashton could see she was dipping.

So he finished packing the stuff away quickly and before she could even protest, he’d swept her up into his arms bridal style, a soft grin on his lips as she nestled her face into his neck.

“Too tired to argue.” She muttered and he laughed as he carried her upstairs.

His fingers were soft and delicate as he helped her get changed, handing her one of his old graphic shirts she was so fond of wearing. She sat down in bed, her eyes watching him as he promised he’d be back soon, he just needed to lock the house up.

When he returned to the room, he found her slumped down on the pillow, legs still hanging over the edge of the bed and a soft snore escaping her lips. His heart twisted at the sight of her exhaustion, it wasn’t even eight pm and she was out like a light. But he could feel his love swell for the beautiful sight in front of him as she slept.

He was slow and careful not to wake her as he tucked her under the covers, climbing in beside her, switching on the tv. He knew his own sleep wouldn’t come to him till much later but he knew they both slept better next to each other and he knew she needed this.

Once he was in bed, she shifted in her sleep, her body moulding against his and he smiled as he flicked over to one of the sitcoms, his arm sliding around her shoulders as her arm settled itself over his waist.

Had he not heard her soft snores, he would’ve sworn she was awake.

It was the following morning when he woke up before her, both of them still tangled together and her breathing was soft and slow.

His fingers were gentle as he traced her skin, eyes memorising such a sweet moment before he pulled away carefully.

He headed into the kitchen and made breakfast for the two of them and it was as he was cooking the eggs, he felt a set of arms wind around his waist and felt her soft lips on the back of his neck, where his tattoo sat.

“Morning love, I figured to treat us both to breakfast in bed.”

“Okay.” Her reply was soft and he could hear the exhaustion still as he listened to her pad back up the stairs.

When he returned to their bedroom, he smiled at how she’d curled herself back up under the covers, eyes half closed as she looked through her phone.

“Thanks for the picture.” She hummed playfully and he smiled as he settled next to her, meeting his lips with hers.

“You looked too sweet not to take a picture. You wouldn’t let me move from the bed that’s how tight you were holding onto me.” He teased playfully and she groaned before accepting his plate of breakfast.

They ate quietly, her head resting against his shoulder as he switched on the tv once more, putting on some background noise as they finished their breakfast.

Her body twisted into his, arm thrown over his waist as she buried her face in the crook of his neck, his hand lifting to trace gentle lines along her back.

He could feel the smile against his skin as he placed a soft kiss to the top of her head, his eyes closing for a moment as he just enjoyed the rare moment of peace that they could share together.

“I love you.” She breathed and he smiled.

“I love you too.”

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Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing