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iamnotawomanimagod · 1 year

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top 5 yellowjackets characters

Thank you my friend! <3

1 - Natalie

I've always had a serious soft spot for tragic burnout addicts, and Natalie is no exception to that rule. The way she arrives in the wilderness a bit more fucked-up than everyone else (having witnessed her dad's death,) and with all this baggage surrounding being an impoverished addict at such a young age. You'd expect that she'd unravel first and hardest, but instead, we see Nat take up a role of responsibility in the group. She hunts for food. She comforts Travis when no one else will. She tries not to take her emotions and reactions out on other people.

Even with everything she's been through, how seemingly broken she is in civilization, she ends up being one of the strongest and most capable of the plane crash survivors. And I love that for her.

2 - Misty

I often find myself repeating Adult Natalie's first on-screen words to Adult Misty - "Misty, you crazy fucking bitch." Because she truly is THAT crazy fucking bitch, and I absolutely adore her for it. She does the most insane shit, the most selfish and ruthless things, and yet I love her more and more for it with each increasingly unhinged act. It is so compelling to see someone who is genuinely very caring, considerate, and concerned about others take that to the absolute worst extreme, where compassion becomes control and adoration becomes obsession. She put a spy camera in your motel room because she cares, Natalie!! She can't leave you alone or stop being in love with you because knows you need help, Ben!! She just wanted everyone to have a fun Doomcoming, group-of-people-who-just-unknowingly-did-shrooms!!

I've rarely seen a character be so lovable and also so utterly awful at the same time. I was sure I'd hate her after her first scene as an adult (denying that old woman her pain meds) so I was very surprised that she became one of my favorites. She keeps things interesting, and her motivations are both painfully simple and maniacally complex.

3 - Taissa

Tai's storyline is probably my favorite. I really love the dramatic irony of this straight-laced, logically driven, pragmatic girl losing her mind in the most obvious and dangerous way out of everyone else (so far.) Her backstory reveal - the Man with No Eyes, her grandmother's terrified final words - does so much work in explaining why Taissa is so stubbornly refusing to accept help, to accept an explanation, or to seek answers. She just wants to be able to ignore it all until it goes away, which is a very heartbreaking thing for such a seemingly mature character to experience. I think her adult storyline is the closest to true horror that this show has done, and I'm very eager to see where it all continues to go - especially since it finally looks like Tai and Van will reunite as adults next week.

But that contrast between someone who's about to explode while trying to keep the tightest lid on it all - that's compelling. She killed her freaking dog and I still love her. This show has that effect.

4 - Lottie

Seeing more of Lottie in s2 has made me appreciate her character that much more. I'm so glad she's a bitch, lmao. Having her survive the wilderness, I definitely needed her to make it through with as many problems as all the others. And she definitely has them. I'm not sure if she's crazy, or a prophet, or both, or if it even matters. She's such an interesting character to bring into this narrative, and although we've only really just begun with it, I'm excited to see her descent into cult leader madness in its entirety. I do think she's one of the more compassionate and caring girls in the wilderness, and that she truly does want to help them all, and believes she's helping them all.

I think Adult Lottie has herself convinced she's still the same, but it's so easy to see how power-hungry she is, how much she likes being followed and believed, and how good she is at controlling people. I'm very keen on seeing how this all unfolds for her, and how she finds her way back to a leadership role after all the therapy and psych treatment.

5 - Shauna

Shauna is my least favorite of the main cast, but I do still like her. I just found her adultery storyline boring. But if I separate her from the Adam Martin of it all, she's definitely a super fascinating character. Her dynamic with Jackie is obviously the most interesting thing about her, and I think she's the most compelling candidate for the "teenage girls always cannibalize each other" metaphorical argument that so much of this fandom likes to make (which I'm otherwise a bit iffy on.) I'm a big fan of dynamics between teenage girls which explore that tender, tragic line between love and resentment. And Shauna brings a really fucked-up, dark edge to that dynamic. What I'm really liking about Shauna is that, out of all the girls/women, she seems the least bothered by violence, and the most willing to commit it. Killing the rabbit, killing Adam, threatening the car thief - Shauna is willing to take a life if it means she can get her way, and there's a part of herself, however deep down she tries to push it, that really enjoys violence and blood.

And that sets her apart from the others. They're all crazy, but the one who actually gives me the biggest Serial Killer vibes is Shauna, especially as an adult.

Thanks again, Lau! I love talking about this show. I'll answer your other questions soon!!

#asks #laufire #fave mutuals #lau tag #yellowjackets #yellowjackets spoilers

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threenorth · 10 months

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Part 2...

In simple, when you asked me, what's the matter I didn't know how to tell you what it was... I didn't know how to say hey I'm having truma and a mental breakdown.

. Because I didn't know and I don't know how to say you met me when I was Carefree and now my life... Is different and difficult... And... Life was bliss and now I'm climbing a fucking mountain of pain... But it's worth it, you didn't tell me about the view (again laugh but true)

So I don't know what it is or what is going on but wasn't wasn't right, but in this cinema and after being bullied in a bar to end up at as pyschlogists are free post covid ish nz... Back to. Learning and now that so when I feel like I'm dying while it seems that's my mental health being like oh hello, your in meltdown from autisc burnout or mental truma.... But I can't feel my red flags, I don't see them... I only know... I don't know when things go wrong, I can only know by my eye coulour....and I can't see it... It's why I need you to be my eyes... To see what I csnt unless I use a my selfie camera and then I throw my nose canceling headphones and try fucking dancing/stimping to a good beat and people look at me like what the fuck is wrong with this kid/adult ....

Anyway, people are more accepting if you have a wheelchair they roll out a red carpet, have a nerodivergt/nerodiadilty and as you know weeeeeeeeez.

I told you... About not being able to talk to me in 2021 but here me just before I left my apartment and in the airport in welly back to Auckland around August? .. If you want to go back... Look on my insta for the key post me handing back my apartment key... I think it's public

Like you probably didn't see this but that was what was happening to me I didn't want to scare you... but these are off my old phone but 2021 meltdown yeahhhhhhh, well at least I learnt many things that year even now it's 2023 and we're always learning something new.... Like when I was while in deep shit, and told you to not talk to me and I knew something was up... But I couldn't say what or how to tell you as I didn't have the right words to describe it and Because my eyes are my mood ring... You know this by now... Right? Or well now you do.... So when you asked me What's wrong I'm like ummm something that I don't know because I have no...words or Emotion and no.... Emphay.. It seems I needed a flow wheel with words or playing cards with names (no picture at shrinks office next time but she's... We're get there) and someone... At work called me a man child and it hurt so now I'm on part time work... Thanks toxic assholes.... Work a corporate it's fun i get in trouble for. Autism being oh your Asian because that's rdue or offensive? Like fuck off really? No wonder I depress myself constantly society is so toxic... Fuck me... (sarcasm) and they get a promption for trying to help me understand the corporate world.... Enjoy your fucking 240k while I have to pay for $210 psychs to fix my truma you woke up bitch, on my entry 65k salary while my same entry colluges now make 100k or. Some fucking bull shit... Honestly I'm pretty close to crying into my pillow tonight given I need a good cry... But I'm okay Im actually pretty headstrong today it's just this is my vent I've been trying to. Figure out... To. Tell you... If you still lurking around... But just been busy job and busy time off. And oh lordy mba and glad I ain't dating right now tbh, I have enough shit to fertilize a farm, just trying to research making music with my disabilities... Yeah I know very Daniel Johnson...

I guess my greatest work hasn't been made but it's songs like this that are just so simple yet so...

But he's... Yeahhhhhhh...... But I first loved Wilcox's Cover/trubbutie?

So.... Those. Great songs with metaphors?

*annnddd I check the mail eeverryyydayyyyy and it's not in the mail because someone wanted the same pecie saaaammmeee peeeccieeeee the puzel of life... *

Yeah I know but you know what I mean I love 80s singer song writers at the moment, even if it hurts... To try listen to peoples art to. Make. My own as there's feelings in my body but to much is bad but to much and I csnt feel something whatever it is that makes me make poems at night or the songs I made... Or whatever that is I don't know because I csnt feel to know what it is it's like sadness but a rage against depression but then one lyric can slam.me into crippling axeity.. Like some of the most. Beautiful songs you showed me... Bonbon... Ugh brand new, taytay with bon bon and birdy...Patrick Watson.... You know what I. Mean... And tonight /today almost 1am I'm here today hearing Forrest Gump, in my mind....

The above qoute it's more ren said but you didn't but you implied it.

Then on days when I feel I'm worthless.

Its more.. Sadly... I am smart person but I have problems with people and society fucking with me and I suffer in pain not knowing I am in pain but I don't know what you woke up in me but fucking hell ren, I love you I don't know if it's love because I can't feel a darn fucking thing but it's the only exception of only two cups of emotions I feel... I know? Either happy or sad/depressed and oh no spahetios and then with you is like flying...

and there's a movie I think you've seen but it's quite.... Well mental health centred and more painful but you know it's...

Sigh

Beautiful mind..

youtube

Here's ughhh.. A snippet of something for you?

I see...Pattens sometimes, I understand many things but I can't put it to fucking words or what the information means... So I have fun with my life, unfortunately you can't ask questions because I'm a fucking asshole and I regret telling you not talk to me but I didn't need more pressure then we'll as it turns out may to September well then if I don't get seen when I ask for help well. God help me... I did some good and some... Awful things... I don't really want to touch on this because of well you also had some of that but if you want to talk about it I'll go there.. I just have to judge your. Mental health usually on many factors I can't see or judge like what your listening to, what your blogging even of well mine post 2014 was all lies almost but some. Not so much but it's been almost 9 years my love... But the information I blurred you know but God tumblr...public and... Yeahhh

Here's my teen years iq test... I haven't done one since but...

I'm suffering currently from a life of Nerodiverse...

Adhd dyslexia dyspraxia dysgraphia autism.

Depending on the day depression axeity and Alexithymia...

Asthma... Shitty diagafram.... Breathing at aultide oh lordy druango great place, almost killed me... Yeah I didn't want to know that part yet... Etc anyway...

Its 1am ugh tomorrow I gotta see an ent I think for the last time.

Xoxo

P.S

Here's a poem with some riddles and mystery 😂

There's a picture, maybe it's all the missing pecies I'm looking for but it's really hard to know to be certain, it's early days I finished the sides and working my way in....

I'm making my way in looking and what is my missing pecies, there's a type of. Puzzle called a wasgij

, Feels like it's one of those kind of puzzles...

I think it's a woman, a cat named stewams and possibly if she gets my reference an A for your a star, and another A who's a pilot... or a companion of a doctor... But I think her nickname is going to be a song from a John denver album that's on the way back home again behind a log cabin in the woods in I think Washington but y'know, and for some reason the photographer is shooting flim, even if it's not vegan but it is what it is, he's a bit of a capt American but bucky isn't there but Peggy sue, buddy Holly even likes Peggy. And he's like oh shit and try's running into place for the photo and.... Well I don't know it's flim we haven't deloped it yet.

How does one do that - time to find out eventually in a darkroom... Where pictures come back from being light and iredisent beams of light where pink flyod is casually playing on the turntable.

--SS

Y--

M---- & -Or- E-E--Y

---

-T

-U---

-O

-EE

--U

----G

---E

Because

--o-

--'-

-ar-

-y

L--L

A---y-

Ehhh... Fuck it.

Never know if you got these or those... But most unfortunately I think I've lost to time but this one well...

I miss you more and more everyday and it hurts to see you doing fine because I know love it's hard my loml xo always

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bondsmagii · 2 years

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I really liked your first address on the topic of guilt. I struggle a lot with guilt, like the other anons. My solution's been to go into healthcare, which is obviously a big decision. I love it but I keep noticing myself not settling - it isn't good enough to care just for the sick, I need to be in emergency or intensive care specialisations. And such. I think you're right about it being a common thing online. It really resonated with me to read it. I think my point is just to agree, really, so sorry if it contributes to a busy inbox. But you can't solve the problem of guilt by appeasing it, you'll always feel like you need to do more. There's definitely a point where you need to self-evaluate and consider speaking to someone, because caring is good but empathy burnout is a thing. Idk. You have a way with words and I think you hit the nail on the head.

you definitely have a good point there: with guilt like this, nothing will ever be enough. I've never struggled with this particular aspect of guilt, but I do suffer from OCD, and when it was at its worst, I was troubled by this overwhelming sense of irrational responsibility for things. I thought that if I didn't do certain rituals, I would be responsible for bad things happening to people or in general in the world; any bad news or bad event or bad health or bad grade that I or anyone I cared about experienced was of course my fault for not clicking the lightswitch enough when I left my room or something. to try and prevent this, I'd do increasingly convoluted and time-consuming rituals, until it was taking me an hour to leave in the morning and I was working myself up into a panicked mess. but no matter what I did, it was never enough. as soon as I reached one level of acceptability, my OCD would move the goal posts. once I realised this, I was able to begin breaking out of the mindframe, and now you could barely tell I have OCD unless you notice some of the small little compulsions I have.

I think this is a pretty good metaphor for this kind of guilt in general, because it all comes from a similar place. it's a completely irrational sense of responsibility for the world, powered by our feelings of helplessness. with stuff like what you and the other anons are experiencing, I imagine there's an element of frustration regarding this powerlessness, so you do whatever you can to alleviate it and feel like you're helping. it would be good if it ended there, with a solid plan and good compartmentalising (like working in health care but leaving work at work) but as you said, the guilt will never be satisfied. before you know it, you're beating yourself up for having hobbies and interests, and being happy sometimes, or having days where you relax or do nothing, or even for things you can't control like your circumstances and place of birth. it's definitely similar to the kind of irrational guilt-bearing that OCD has, and I don't understand how it's come to be viewed as the sign of a good and politically aware person. this is such an unvelievably harmful attitude to have, and it will eventually end up with serious mental consequences and a drastically reduced quality of life.

finally, I think that there's something to be said for the fact that art is the only life path getting this kind of shit. I resent the growing insinuation and perhaps even belief that art is just some bourgeoisie hobby, and that indulging in it is a sign of privilege. you see the same with all things academia-related, and it's a sign of a growing trend of anti-intellectualism that is really not as woke or productive as people seem to think it is. I think people need to take a close look at why they seem to think the arts are the only thing that inspires the feeling that they'll be doing nothing for the world, and I also think people need to understand that art isn't only worth something if it reaches everyone. it is very presumptuous and even a little white saviour-y to assume that somebody in the slums of India or wherever is even remotely interested in what you have to say. they have their own culture and their own art, if they need it. the idea that a white Westerner's art has to reach all these third world or developing countries to be worth something is, to me, condescending and very much more about the white Westerner's status as a politically aware artist among other white Westerners than anything else. your art is not meant to be and cannot be for everyone, and it's rather self-important to act like it could be.

#anon #asks

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altheterrible · 2 years

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Ugh how do you recover from burnout when gas is $5/gallon and corporations are destroying the economy? When you're chronically ill, disabled, and always in pain your doctor won't do anything to fix? When you're chronically fatigued from your disabilities but still forced to spend 40 hours a week working a physically demanding, emotionally unfulfilling, low paying job with no ability to get anything better? When you're fighting with complex trauma you don't have the bandwidth to fix because so many other things are eating it up? How can I recover from burnout when I'm putting everything I have into keeping my head above water in this terrible world?

I'm miserable. I experience no joy in my life. I feel nothing. And it's not because of some magical chemical imbalance in my brain. It's because my life is objectively terrible. I have no money, I'm stressed about bills, I'm stressed about inflation, I'm stressed about rent. I'm in the process of declaring bankruptcy so it'll be 7 years before I can even rent my own apartment, let alone think about home ownership. I have multiple chronic illnesses including one that will almost certainly kill me. I have poorly controlled chronic pain that makes it hard to focus on anything except how much it hurts. I work in retail, where both customers and management treat me like expendable garbage, for which privilege I am paid $14/hr and taxed at 25%--and I have no energy left at the end of the day for anything I might find enjoyable. I never see my sister, I don't have the time or energy to hang out with friends, and most of the people I do interact with on a daily basis make it abundantly clear that my feelings aren't a priority for them.

So at the end of every day, I feel like I can't do it again, can't wake up and face another day like today. The idea of having to keep living every day while I feel so totally hollow and dead inside terrifies me. Looking ahead and seeing another day like this, over and over again forever, makes me want to die. I want to kill myself. I think about ways to do it. The only thing stopping me is funeral costs. I'm saving money so my sister can afford to have me cremated. Only $650 to go. With my wages, I'll have enough in roughly 80 years.

I can't deal with the misery. I've been self harming again, it's the only thing that takes the edge off how bad I feel. I thought I was past this, but really, why should I even bother trying not to cut when it's the only thing that helps? It's not like anything else is helping. And like, it doesn't matter at all that I've started again. To anyone. No one else cares, so why should I? That's the funny thing. Self harm is allegedly this serious mental health emergency, because it's such a dangerous coping mechanism--especially the way I do it, I routinely cut deeply enough to warrant stitches, though I haven't been getting them bc I can't afford to take the time off work to go to the psych ward for a week. Lol.

So yeah, self harm is supposed to be this serious sign that someone is suffering and needs help and people who are hurting themselves are usually offered support so they don't feel so overwhelmed that they resort to self harm.

Except when it's me cutting myself. Then no one gives a shit. Sam and John pretend they don't see it. My friends brush me off. Fuck, I told my therapist I was cutting again and she was like "you say you feel like it doesn't matter that you're cutting yourself, but it matters to me" but then she didn't like, do anything about it. She didn't ask why I was doing it, didn't talk about it further, and didn't provide me any kind of support so I didn't feel like I needed to keep cutting myself. So I'm going to keep doing what's helping. At least then I can get through the day.

Meds aren't the answer. I've tried meds. So many meds, and combinations of meds. Right now I'm on Adderall, Cymbalta, Latuda, and Seroquel. I still want to die. I still feel hollow and dead inside. I'm still dragging myself through every day and counting down the time until I can be asleep again. What's the answer? More antipsychotics? I'm already so exhausted I can barely function. More antidepressants? Tricyclics or MAOIs maybe, it's not like those have horrific side effects lol. Lithium? Anti seizure meds? Benzodiazepines?

The problem is that medication can't fix the fact the world is a garbage fire and I'm being burned alive in it. There is no medication that will fix capitalism. Psych medication won't make the customers at work treat me better, it won't increase my pay, it won't make my doctor listen to me about my pain. Psych medication won't help me find joy in the world because the world is a shit place.

I think the answer to the questions in my first paragraph is pretty clear: you don't recover from burnout under those circumstances. The circumstances have to change.

Something has to give, though, and I think it's going to be me.

#whining #self harm #suicide #burnout #psych meds #depression

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voidwaren · 1 year

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You said somewhere you got your ADHD diagnosed late in life. How is that going? I'm 25 and I think I have it but I don't know if it's too late to bother getting it checked.

anon, it is never too late, especially if you're a cis female or grew up female. you would not BELIEVE how under diagnosed ADHD is in females. I'm talking, like, they didn't believe girls had ADHD until the late 90s, if I'm remembering correctly, and didn’t even do a lengthy study until 2007 (I think? I was in high school when it happened, I know that much), because girls just apparently weren’t able to have it. (or, if they did, it was incredibly rare. which is total bullshit, but I digress.) AND they're still learning things about ADHD in females, unlike in males where certain things have just been known for years and years due to all the studies being only on males.

please get screened if you think you have it. mental breakdown and critical burnout are the tipping point you really don't want to reach if you can help it.

and now, too many words:

that being said, that's what caused me to get checked after realizing all that shit going on with me wasn't laziness and general life anxiety. I had a huge breakdown (one of quite a few, but I previously thought it was just stress) and, at 27, finally went and got checked. (I think actually you can see me coming to the realization on this blog, because that was around when I was writing WiS and realizing, hey, something's kinda fucky here. people keep talking about ADHD in my version of Warren, but *I* don’t have it.)

(... OR DO I?)

y’all. I did better scoring on that test than I ever did in school.

turns out I had a bunch of symptoms that, because I am a 90s child, no one batted an eye at. terrible anxiety (not just a shy child and an awkward adult), poor learning skills (not just laziness with applying myself), depression and low self-esteem (from a life of thinking I was just too dumb to understand in school, no matter how hard I tried), rejection sensitive dysphoria (not just being “too sensitive” and needing “thicker skin”), constant stomach problems and insomnia due to hyperactivity.

(I will never stop complaining about the fact that my insomnia is so bad, my mom took me to the doctor as a young child because I would not sleep at nap time in preschool and had trouble falling asleep at night, and the doctor went, "oh yeah, she just doesn't need much sleep, it's fine." SIR. THAT'S NOT A THING.)

(I could list all the things I have and do that were red flags, but I’d be here a while, and I also can’t remember all of them, SO.)

I literally never knew. I always brushed them off because they ran in the family and were just A Thing(TM) that I would have to deal with in life like everyone else. only one of my male cousins was diagnosed ADHD, so why would I have it? so I developed a way to deal with it, and I moved on with my life.

now I know that, no, I don't need to try harder, middle school math teacher that took me aside one day and said I really needed to start applying myself. I need DRUGS.

(and coping mechanisms. better ones, because some of the ones I use to mask and do daily things are, uh. not good. and caused a lot of problems I now have to have therapy to deal with.)

so, yeah. here I am now, almost 31, discovering things all the time. it's a learning process. it feels like I’m going, “oh, that’s an ADHD thing? okay...” constantly. I still tear up whenever I hear someone tell me they also have it and that they aren’t just “not trying hard enough”, and I am not a crier. that phrase has just stuck with me to the point where it’s a trigger, and I WILL start crying if the planets align and someone says it to me at the right moment.

I still get overstimulated and overwhelmed very easily. I still struggle to do a lot of things that other people will look at and go, “I did it, why can’t you?” I’m still trying to figure out better ways to handle my reaction to daily things, rather than allowing my anxiety to take over. I’m still trying to just get by in life, living in a world not made for me.

but now that I know why I act the way I do, dealing with it is so much easier to stomach that, sometimes, I cannot believe it’s real. (sometimes I still go, “do I actually have ADHD or was everyone right? this can’t be real.”) a lifetime of “why do I act like this?” is finally solved, and holy shit. I do not have the words to explain how much better I feel.

please, please, please go get checked if you’re able to. try to find one that knows how to diagnose females if you are a cis female or previously identified as a cis female, because there are still problems with diagnosing and some doctors will write off symptoms if they don’t have a background in specifically female ADHD, not just ADHD in general. (I went to see a female ADHD specialist, for example, who had it herself.)

if you’re a cis male or previously identified as a cis male, you might have it a little easier, but it’s still more common to be undiagnosed than you’d think, so don’t let that stop you from getting checked. confirmation for or against it is a stepping stone towards figuring out why you do certain things that may be hindering you in life.

you might have to do a lot of calling around for prices if funds are an issue (there are some places that do it for cheap, if not free, but they’re VERY hard to find sometimes), and you may have to go to more than one place, but in the end it will be worth it. I promise.

#you: asks a very simple but important question #me: HERE'S MY LIFE STORY #sorry about that it was just such a huge turning point for me once I was diagnosed #ALSO I learned recently that my obsession with music?#big indicator #makes the ADHD brain go brrrrr #so HUGE thank you to anyone who has ever sent me music #I am always asking for more songs :D #asks

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linddzz · 2 years

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Hi can you please tell me more about what it's like being an aquarist? It sounds hella fun 👀

It's a passion career for sure, with all the pros and cons of that.

(I always feel a little weird bc in some ways I have A Dream Job and do what I love every day and get to feel like I'm doing even a small thing that matters. But the downsides of passion jobs is it's harder to keep a work/life balance and easy to burn yourself out for a job where the pay is Not Fantastic. Also it's typically hard to break into BUT last year so many people left the field for various reasons that this is probably the best time to try to get in. Anyway I get into a weird tangle of knowing I'm super lucky to have a job where I love what I do and get to do what I love and feel like I can't complain. But I also dont want to over glamourize a field that has a lot of issues with burnout and exploitative practices (the intern system in zoos and aquariums makes me foam at the mouth.)

Ok bummer disclaimers out of the way; my honest to God favorite thing about this job is that it is a solid mix of regular routine, physical labor, intellectual stimulation, and freedom to pursue projects. To get a well functioning aquarium display you have to know how an ecosystem works on so many levels! How do these animals interact if I want to add more? How does the water temperature, flow directions and strength, and chemistry play together? What chemical parameters are common in this particular ecosystem and how would changing one parameter influence others? What sort of microbiome am I feeding? What mix of chemical, mechanical, and biological filtration needs to go into this?

The answers are different for every system because every system is a full recreation of an ecosystem, and as a coral aquarist you can get into even finer and finer details for these questions!

Like. ok. Say you want to set up a live coral system.

What part of the reef are the corals you have or want from? Is it the reef crest with tons of turbulent wave flow and super strong lights in a warmer spectrum? Is it further down where the light is bluer and the flow is more constant tidal flows or gentler rocking from the waves above? Are these stony corals that will need a lot of calcium and carbonate supplementation? Do you have algae grazer fish and inverts that will help keep algae from growing over the corals? Is this a system where you'll have to feed the coral or is there enough of a bioload from fish to take care of that?

And I love that shit! I love the puzzle of it and love looking at all these endless factors that come together and detangling this insanely complicated world to recreate it.

It's an environment where I can either have a routine day going around feeding my stuff, do basic cleaning, do my set water changes, OR I can spend the day going "why is this species of coral not doing as well. What is happening and why. What component could I be missing?" And go down a rabbit hole and learn new stuff.

There are conservation projects I'm involved in that are cool new approaches teaming up public aquariums, field scientists, lab pathologists and microbiologists! There's a growing mindset of pooling together different bases of knowledge on a problem! It's cool as hell to be involved in and it helps me feel like I'm doing something that matters even if I'm a super small component of it!

And I can do it while pretty much going around on my own and can spend a whole day by myself or chat with coworkers. And they do the same because aquarists tend to be big fuckin nerds, as you may have gathered from this response.

(Also an aside; but as an aquarist who works within a big zoo it is kinda fascinating seeing how similar-but-different terrestrial zoo keepers are from aquarists. There's a certain type of person who gets into animal care and that's usually someone who is a mix of scientific while also liking physical activity. But aquarists are like, the nerds of this nerd world. I've had keeper friends joke that "if you approach a cluster of keepers they all wave at you but if you approach a cluster of aquarists they all get this deer in the headlights panic."

Aquarists tend to get NICHE in an already niche area. Keeper friends are like "I've worked with apes then I went to elephants then I did some hoofstock" with maybe one or two who then specialize. To quote another keeper friend "I talk to the aquarists and you all are like 'these are the same five tanks I've had for five years and if anyone else touches them I'll murder you. How dare you ask me about sharks, I only do jellyfish."

Which like...they right.

Also as far as nerd levels go as a coral aquarist I'm like. The Niche Special Interest Nerd of The Nerd Fish People.

Apparently insect crew is known for being even more shut in than the aquarists. Aquarists are the quietly chaotic eldritch loving nerds, the entomologists are the slightly more unnerving even less social nerds, herpetology keepers are similar "leave me alone with my tanks" nerds but are more loudly chaotic.

Meanwhile mammal keepers are jocks in my opinion and they throw insane parties. Go to a zookeeper party to witness a 35 year old father of two do a keg stand.)

#work adventures #tho also i sometimes wish i had a job where like. it didnt fucking matter and i got paid more #id like to not stress over if this rescue coral dies that is the end of that genotype!#id like to totally separate my brain from my career and just Get Paid!#but i also dont think id be able to do a job that easnt this particular mix of physical and mental and routine and variety

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i-cant-sing · 3 years

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Hey, hypothetically asking: Is there a way for me to stop feeling emotions? I mean... having them is kinda hurting me at times. I usually have trouble expressing myself but then I stumbled across your blog and I decided to give it a shot. I'm really sorry if I'm bothering you with this, I just need to vent feelings to someone. My school's adding so much of stress in my life for me, I keep having test after test and I guess I'm scared that I'll be a failure if I fail. And on top of that, I barely get 4 hours of sleep everyday because of all the extensive notes I always keep writing and we keep getting various projects. Oh, and I guess you could say that I'm also kind of a loner? I also don't know why it's so hard for me to love someone either platonically or romantically. I guess it's because I'll never be good enough and I might be scared of attachment. I might have philophobia the fear of love but at the same time, I'm also scared of being alone. Wow, isn't that ironic? Sometimes I feel like the pain in my chest is getting too heavy, I feel like giving up... but then the only things that's keeping me sane are the fics that I write everyday. And another ironic thing: I keep giving people advice on things like not giving up on life and having faith that things will get better but I'm not so great at following my own advice. Then again, no one ever is

Sorry I dumped my feelings on you, I know some people might think I'm being over dramatic and making a big mountain out of a mole hill or I could be an attention seeker. But after writing this, I kinda feel half better and once again, damn... this thing was really long

This feels like my past self sent this to me lol. Anyways, anon I'm not really great at giving advice, and I'm not really good at expressing emotions either, and I'm 20 and in college, so I haven't got my shit figured out yet.

Look I know how stressful school and exams can become, and believe me, the older you grow, you're gonna have other kinds of stressful problems. But... I suppose the way I've dealt with pretty much any difficult situation, especially during exam season, is to talk to myself. And it honestly helps me figure out a lot of things in life, and also helps give myself reality checks and realise when I'm in the wrong. It's also very entertaining too. So, be your own therapist, your own motivator.

You know, I once failed a really big, important test- actually 3 exams. But even at that time, while I was sitting in the dark, listening to Renegade by Styx, I told myself: "This too shall pass." That no matter how bad things seem, bad situations don't last forever.

Now, worrying and stressing over your studies/school won't do anything. Whenever I feel like I'm about to breakdown, I clap my hands and then focus on palms, take deep breaths and tell myself "I got this." But as students we are bound to be burnout, so I recommend listening to music in the dark, taking a walk, or even reading some short story or something. We all need a little escape from reality, that's why fiction is my favourite genre.

I highly recommend that you take some days off from school or at least a break from studying, because in the longterm you'll study more this way. You may think that you would fall behind like this, say maybe by 20%? But you'd still be 80% prepared, and that's way better than not taking a break and falling behind by 30%.

You sound like a teen and let me tell you girl, you can literally do nothing to stop yourself from embarrassing yourself. Nothing. I cringe everytime I go to my Facebook and see the kind of teen I used to be🤮🤮🤮 I'm not like that anymore 😭 But important thing to remember is that everyone else is also constantly worried about embarrassing themselves, so they probably don't even remember what stupid thing you did.

Man just chill out a bit, like physically tell yourself to chill out when things start piling up. Like take a nap, listen to music, read some fics then get back to studying. Worry about relationships later, you got your whole life for that. Don't worry about what others are thinking, just focus on yourself.

U said u write fics? Anon, send the link🔪

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lifewithlala · 4 years

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Useful and practical advice for everyone starting college

So... Yes, I graduated! To celebrate this, I thought it would be a good idea to pass on some knowledge to those new students starting college this year (I feel like a Senpai). If it was difficult for me, I cannot fathom how much difficult it's going to be for you guys starting this year with all the things happening around the world. So good luck and I hope this really helps you out!

Try to get along with everyone. Look, prior to entering college I was asocial AF. It's not that I was shy, I just didn't like hanging out with people. However, my time in college taught me that interaction IS a very important part of life. I will be forever thankful to my classmates, who approached me on my first day (I entered college mid-year with no experience in business or economics. I was completely clueless). They were very nice to me and tried their best to explained how the school works, what classes we will be taking, what the professors and exams are like and such. Without their help, I would have had a harder time trying to get used to college. Truth is, you WILL need help at several points in college. And if you're not on good terms with anyone, who will be willing to help you? No one. So don't be a jerk and try your best to be nice and genuine with everyone in the class.

Help your classmates. Just as you will need help, your classmates will also need help. Don't wait for them to ask you for help. Offer to help them if you can! This can help you make friends or find new study buddies. Do not underestimate the power of helping others. When you help people with something, it is very likely that they will help you back when you need to. They might even recommend you for a job or internship position just because you helped them.

Find one or two study buddies. Study buddies will make studying more bearable. The study material that you will get in college is nothing compared to high school. So having a few study buddies that can help you make summaries, explain and work together on assignments will make studying much easier! I remember I had a study buddy for one of my minors in which we had to learn 16 chapters. We divided the summary workload and took turns explaining the chapters we each summarized. We literally cut the study time in half because of this!

Keep in contact with your classmates and professors. Chances are you will be separated for some time during minors, study abroad programs or internships. But that doesn't mean you have to lose contact with them. I'm not saying you have to chat with them every day. But contacting them once in awhile is good. I have been able to help some of my classmates with some subjects and applications. I have also become one of my professor's running buddies. So keep in touch because you never know what good you can give and what good it might bring you!

Be persistent. I have had instances were my school coach has ghosted me AND the school completely. Putting my internship and thesis at risk. Shit happens. And when you see things taking a turn for the ugly, fight back with all you got to get things back on track. The truth is, college is a business. And it will continue with or without you. A bit toxic, yes. However, it is up to you to not let things go south! Take action. Contact your professor when needed. Contact the administration. Contact management. Be persistent!

Plan as soon as possible. Don't wait for the first class to get your curriculum and then plan a week later. Download the curriculum BEFORE going to that first class. Plan BEFORE going to the class. Bombard your professor with questions regarding the curriculum on the first day. Make changes accordingly. Execute that plan ASAP. Your worst enemy is time. But your best friend is also time. The sooner you start, the more prepared you will be for your exams. Read more about how I plan here.

Don't say "yes" to everything. Yes, I am guilty of this one. I learn fast. I'm young. I have lots of energy. I can do whatever I put my mind to. WRONG. This kind of thinking led me to severe burnout. I was helping my parents in their business. I was doing a full-time internship. I started my own business and had 9 clients. I was training for a marathon. Shit went down horribly at some point. I'm glad I went through that burnout because it taught me the importance and necessity to be balanced in life. And that my ability to say no is sometimes more important than my ability to say yes.

College is more than just learning theory. Look, classes are not the thing you should focus on solely in college. If there's anything more important than classes, I would say is your ability to network and leverage this to get experience in the field. That is what college is about. College opens so many opportunities, not because of what they teach, but because of the resources that you are able to get. I'm not saying go slack on your classes, but keep in mind that a lot of times, people don't hire because you have a perfect GPA.

Have a plan to be smart with your money AND stick with it. I had a plan to be smart with my money. And I did so for 3 years. But in my fourth year... I fucked up. Guys... stick to your financial plan and avoid goddamn headaches. Learn about budgeting,

Do not pull all-nighters. If anything all-nighters made me perform worse. Also, they completely messed up my sleeping schedule, which in return messed up my entire schedule. As a result, I would stress out because I was behind schedule and I did not have the energy to catch up. Guys, do not underestimate the power of a good night's sleep.

Time batching will be your best friend. Having a set day to do similar tasks is honestly, one of the best ways to work. One day I would do all my homework for the week. The other day I would only study. One day I would do all of my house chores etc. It's much simpler and effective this way.

Having a study routine will actually help you to pull a miracle. A lot of people swear by a morning or night routine. I swear by a study/ work routine. For real... why aren't work routines more common? Once I start my routine, my brain knows its time to work and study and will not get distracted. You can read about my study routine more in detail here.

You will get fat pretty fast, so exercise. You will not have a lot of time on your hands. You no longer have breaks to play sports, you don't need to go to gym class, you probably have a car now. Your sedentary life will pretty much begin in college. And because you have the money you will start eating out or order takeout. So EAT WELL AND WORKOUT. I realized that the weeks I ate healthily, were also the weeks I was more energized. So do these 2 things religiously.

Don't be too uptight. Relax and have fun. If you're the type A, teacher's pet kind of student... don't be afraid to loosen up a little bit. After my burnout episode I understood the importance of having fun once in awhile. Turns out that going to parties, clubs, having girls night out is a fun experience and you'll look back at those memories with fond!

Start applying for internships as soon as possible. THIS. Honestly. Apply early. Finding an internship position isn't hard. But finding the right internship place that will allow you to grow and learn and at the same time get along with the culture is MUCH MUCH MUCH harder! So take your time finding an internship. Go to as many interviews as you can. Don't accept the first internship position because it's the first you got. Look at it objectively and talk to others that work in that company. I had the opportunity to work for 2 days under the guidance of another intern before saying yes. Ask for a similar opportunity so you can test the waters before accepting the internship offer.

Taking care of yourself is harder than you think. Develop a routines. Stick to those routines. Develop a personal hygiene routine. A workout routine. Eat healthy. These things are easier said than done. Constantly work on these things. If you let one fall, others will start falling too. Self care is a work in progress so never stop improving yourself no matter how many deadlines you have!

Older students are a godsend. If you want to hear a goddamn unbiased opinion, please refer to an older student. The administration or professor might tell you a process or application goes a certain way, but the older students that went through it, know better as they literally had to go through it. The advice they will give you will be more practical than the advice the professors can give you. So listen to them carefully. They will also be able to help you with tips for exams, summaries or explaining. So be friends with them too!

Get a mentor. I was lucky enough to find 2 excellent mentors in my college journey. I became good friends with one of my professors, and she was the one that taught me all I know about personal investing. Honestly, she was the real MVP. Amazing professor, explanations were top notch, and really enjoyed her work. The second one, was my thesis coach. She helped me built my business and her expertise in the field helped me a lot in starting up. Don't be afraid to ask your professors or experts in the field to help you get started! Sometimes, they are eager to pass what they know unto someone. You got nothing to lose!

#studyblr #college #student #studyspo #study blog #notes #study motivation #productivity #studygram #study tips

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chocoholicannanymous · 3 years

Text

...As Stupid Does (Teen Wolf) 18/19

AN: As you might have noticed I've updated the chapter count, making this the penultimate post. It is, however, what I consider the last chapter of ...ASD. If you'd like you could read this and have the story (and the series) end now. The last chapter is going to be what I intended for a fifth and final part of the series, but I've decided instead to post it together with this story, I guess as an epilogue of sorts.

(Oh and yes, I'm aware that this chapter is shorter than many of you would prefer. It should, tbh, have been part of last chapter, but that didn't happen. I'm choosing to focus on writing the last bit of this 'verse instead of trying to pad this chapter.)

Part 17, Part 16, Part 15, Part 14, Part 13, Part 12, Part 11, Part 10, Interlude, Part 9, Part 8d, Part 8c, Part 8b, Part 8a, Part 7, Part 6, Part 5,Part 4,Part 3, Part 2, Part 1,Not Stupid, Stupid Is… and pre-verse ficlet I’m Stupid (Don’t Worry ‘Bout Me)…

As Stupid Does

part 3 of the Stupid ‘verse

Stiles knows that so many of the problems between him and Derek (or really, him and everyone) were caused by him not thinking things through. For someone so obsessed with research he's always had a strange way of jumping in feet first, without looking. He's heard it all his life – not stupid, but just doesn't think. It's the adhd, he supposes.

Regardless of why he is that way it's something he's been actively trying to change with Derek, to think before he leaps and to look at things from every angle. He doesn't always succeed, but he tries.

Well. If he's honest with himself he passed the line between thinking things through and over-thinking them a while back.

He's so, so tired of twisting every idea back and forth until it feels worn.

So he leaps again.

Toronto went well, right? It was a huge step in the right direction, days of being together the way Stiles wants. Surely they can have more of that? So the next time they talk he slides in a casual-only-in-the-term-of-he-wants-it-to-be-but-it-truly-isn't-at-all invitation for Derek to celebrate his birthday with him in LaPush, complete with staying in Stiles' cabin.

The lightning-quick “yes” makes him almost float.

Of course, that doesn't last long. The closer his birthday comes, the more Stiles thinks about what it means that he invited Derek to stay with him, about how they're getting closer and how their relationship is progressing, and he panics. Not about being with Derek, or sharing a life with him, or even having sex again (they're not quite there yet, but Stiles know that they will be). Oh no. He panics about being a selfish little shit.

And he does so hard enough to make a pack full of 'wolves sneeze on the regular, and for his dad to start looking worried.

Dr Bianchi agrees to see him on a Sunday, with practically no warning, and Stiles spends half an hour with words pouring out of him.

“Derek finally has his sister back, and a working pack, and I'm making him leave all of that behind because I'm selfish enough to put my desire to never set foot in Beacon Hills again before Derek's, well, everything. All of that because I'm too greedy to let him free.”

Dr Bianchi looks at him, and then does something Stiles has never seen her do before. She laughs. Long and hard, and if he wasn't busy feeling insulted by it he'd be amazed with how her laughter sounds like bells.

Once her laughter ebbs out Dr Bianchi dabs at her eyes to remove some stray mascara or something before looking him straight in the eyes.

“Are you done being silly?”

And now Stiles is really insulted.

“Oh dear. You have reached that stage. Well, let's do an exercise.

“Close your eyes. Focus on your breathing, slow deep breaths. Find your center. Are you there? Good. Now imagine that Derek hadn't found you. Nothing else about his reality changes, except he doesn't find you. So. He doesn't find you, he doesn't come see you, you don't get back together. He's got his pack in Beacon Hills, his legacy land, his family's graves, his uncle and the baby sister he thought was dead for years has returned to him.

“Can you see that? Yes? Then imagine five years from now. Is Derek still the Alpha? Is he still living in Beacon Hills?”

“Hell no.” And oh.

“Why not?”

“Because Beacon Hills might be his legacy, but it's also a constant reminder that he's responsible for that legacy now. Of all that he lost. He hangs on because of that responsibility, that duty to the land and his family's memory and the pack.”

And now that he sees it, that he's been forced to open his eyes and see it, Stiles can't understand how he could have been so blind to how much Derek really shouldn't have stayed in Beacon Hills after Laura's death.

“And once Cora takes over he's got no reason to torture himself by living in the middle of all that.”

In a way, Stiles thinks, Derek's never really stopped living in the burnout ruins of the Hale house. Physically he might be staying at the loft, but mentally, emotionally... Derek's never fully left.

“He would be able to leave, knowing that the responsibility is Cora's, and that unless she calls him for help he would never have to return there. He'd only need to go back for her, and Scott's dependable enough that he could hold the territory for her if she was to go see Derek somewhere else for a while.”

He sees it now, the future that Derek could have had, and it doesn't look so bad. He prefers the one where Derek's with him, of course, but. Derek could have been happy and free from Beacon Hills even if he hadn't found his way to Stiles.

“Exactly. Now, we don't know if Derek would have found the help he needed without your resources, but I like to think someone would have realized what he needed and stepped up.

“But we agree that chances are Derek would still have given up the Alpha spark, handed over the pack and the land to his sister, and moved away. That means you are not in any way stealing that from him. I understand you panicking, but you can't let your fears dictate your truth.

“You told Derek that you couldn't imagine going back to Beacon Hills before you even started dating. He knows exactly why you don't want to live in Beacon Hills, knew it from the beginning, and could weigh his desire to be with you against his desire to be physically close to his sister. And you won. That was his choice.

“Don't disrespect him by trying to claim that choice doesn't mean anything.

“But Stiles? You have called Beacon Hills a hellmouth more than once in my presence. Now I'm fairly sure I'm not breaking any confidentiality clauses when I say that Derek agrees, because he's done so right here in this room with you present. Right?”

Right. He really feels silly now, because Dr Bianchi is 100 percent right. He has sat here – and at home, and in LaPush – and ranted about how hellmouths aren't supposed to be a thing, and yet, Beacon Hills, with Derek all but going “amen” next to him.

“Your feelings regarding that town are completely valid. Your love for Derek doesn't change that. Wanting both the man you love and safety doesn't make you greedy, or selfish. Especially not since Derek also has some very bad memories from that place. We both know that part of why you want him to leave there is because you believe it's better for him. Even if he decided to leave for somewhere not here, not with you, you would still want that for him. So no, you're not being selfish for wanting both of you out of a place that's brought you so much pain and sorrow.”

That...hurts, hearing. Stiles is fully aware of how unreasonable he's being, but he actually felt better thinking he was selfish and practically forcing Derek to move because of it.

“Then why do I feel like a selfish shit? If I'm doing what's best for him, then why doesn't it feel like that?”

Dr Bianchi gives him a small smile.

“Because you want to do the right thing, but you're worried you'll make the wrong choice again. You're scared, and you're vulnerable, and you hate both. Just remember that there's a strength in allowing yourself to feel that way – as long as you don't allow it to rule you.”

Easier said than done, and they both know it, but then and there Stiles recommits to not letting his fears rule him.

O--o---o--O

Stiles' birthday is celebrated without much fanfare. He and his dad eat lunch with the Calls. Derek arrives shortly before dinner, which the pack eats at Sam and Emily's and where the biggest difference between today and any other day is that there's a huge cake. Afterwards they light a bonfire at the beach and just spend time together.

When he opens the door to his future home and lets Derek inside it feels heavy and symbolic and maybe like a true glimpse of the future, and Stiles shivers a little. Derek of course misinterprets him.

“Do you regret offering me to stay here?”

“Of course not! It's just, you know, big.”

His heart's as steady as it's capable of being and Derek nods. If his hands shake a little as he climbs up to the loft, well, he's not going to mention it. Once he's up he turns and calls out softly to Derek.

“Coming?”

Derek's hesitant as he climbs up, uncharacteristically slow, and he's still hesitating as he comes to a stand next to the bed. The single bed.

Yes, it's a queen, but. They haven't shared a bed since before Stiles left Beacon Hills. This is a big step.

“I could shift.”

Stiles doesn't know if Derek means shift and sleep on the floor, or shift and sleep at the foot of the bed, but it doesn't matter. That's not the plan. Sure, he's not averse to a furry bed-companion, especially not on cold nights, but his hormones are fully awake and he's got plans, you know? Bestiality really isn't something he's looking to try, not even considering werewolves – or should that be especially considering werewolves? Never mind, just, nope.

“I'm not saying no to having you curled up and warming my feet on a cold night, but this night? I was hoping for this body.”

He smiles, a little wicked, and pulls his shirt off. His pants follow them to the floor, and then he stretches out across the bed.

“I wouldn't mind you warming me up though.”

It pleases him to see Derek pull his own henley and jeans off without hesitation, and it really pleases him to have Derek join him in bed. Soon every bit of lingering chill has been chased away by werewolf warmth, along with every last bit of fear.

It's been years since he touched Derek like this, but his hands remember as they wander while they kiss. Derek however is a bit more restrained, and Stiles isn't onboard with that. He's made his mind up and he wants this. Derek wanting to be careful with him is nice, yes, but it's hard to decide if it's more sweet or annoying.

(His dick is screaming annoying.)

He's just going to have to take the matter cough into his own hands.

Derek stills.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I'm sure. I've had months to be sure. I want this. I want you.” He twists his hand a little, then pauses. Right.

“But if you're not ready, then I'll wait. I don't want this unless we both do.”

Consent is always going to be a sore point for both of them, and while Stiles would prefer a different kind of pillow talk he can deal. He hasn't spent all this time and effort getting over how they were in Beacon Hills just to make the same mistake again, only the other way around.

“I do.”

Stiles loses his breath, staring into Derek's eyes, sucker-punched by those words. Then he practically throws himself at his wolf, hands and mouth and desire.

It's everything good from before, yet somehow nothing like it used to be.

They fall asleep tangled up, sweaty and sated.

Stiles wakes up, afraid that he's going to regret what happened, or that Derek will regret it, or even that Derek will be gone – which is stupid, since he can feel Derek with him, a line of warmth half covering him, but fear is never rational. And then he takes the time to center himself, to feel, and he knows.

This is how he wants to wake up for the rest of his life. Warm, safe, happy.

Things will be hard. He's got another three years left of college. Derek's got another year, at least, of being the Alpha of Beacon Hills. They're not going to have enough time together and there's always going to be the risk of some spectacular shitshow going down. And that's without considering their relationship.

They're going to be messy, and imperfect, and sometimes stupid. They're going to fight, and disagree, and wonder if they made the right choices. They're going to storm out and slam the doors and go to bed furious. But they're also going to be happy and in love and together, and they're going to fight to stay that way.

And that, Stiles thinks, is anything but stupid.

He turns around and burrows into the arms of his 'wolf, at peace.

#chocoholic fics #teen wolf #sterek #stiles stilinski #derek hale #...asd #stupid 'verse #twilight crossover #in 2021 we finish our WIPs

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unpopularly-opinionated · 3 years

Text

My friend shared with me this reddit thread where someone outlined a list of features they claim are “missing” from CP2077, and because I’m me and like to rant, I wanted to go through it and agree/disagree based on what I think should or shouldn’t be in the game.

So probably spoilers below, at least for gameplay.

- Walk toggle for keyboard.

Agree.

- Key re-mapping for certain elements.

Agree. The game has some rebinding functions, but not enough to be honest.

- Accessibility features missing (ie: text scaling for menus).

Agree.

- In-game benchmark feature.

Personally, I think this is somewhat extraneous and I wouldn’t knock a game for not having it since most games don’t, but sure if they add it I wouldn’t complain.

- Dash should be a separate key and not a double press of walking key.

HARD agree. It’s beyond me that they thought it was okay to have that as-is, honestly. It makes moving around while sneaking a huge pain because you accidentally dodge which puts you into a standing position which can reveal you easily. At the absolute least, they should disable dodging when crouched, but ideally allow it to be rebound to something else.

- Crouch and skip dialogue should not share the same key.

Again, HARD agree. It’s possible to rebind the key (I certainly did) but something I noticed is that, while the dialogue no longer skips when I press crouch, it doesn’t seem to register the crouch button at all while in dialogue, meaning you can’t uncrouch if in dialogue.

- The minimap is too zoomed in to be helpful in many cases.

I only noticed this as an issue while driving, personally. You’ll be going 90mph down the freeway and not know that your turn is coming up until you’re already 90 miles beyond it. Outside of that, I’m not sure why you’d need the minimap zoomed out but hey if it fixes it while driving, I’m for it. Agree.

- Missing a toggle aim feature.

Quality of life, sure. I won’t use it, but agree.

- Ability to respec attributes (Note: Existing item respecs perks only)

Personally, I disagree with this. I think respeccing perks is fine because some of the perks are kinda lame so I can understand wanting to undo that, but I feel like respeccing attributes would sort of negate the purpose of developing a character a certain way. It makes multiple playthroughs more valid, forcing you to develop your different characters different ways. Sooo disagree.

- Ability to disable objective marker.

Agree. Mild nuisance to be sure, but still a nuisance never the less.

- Ability to lower ADS sensitivity.

Quality of life, sure. Agree.

- Add proper ultrawide (21:9, 32:9) support.

Quality of life, sure. Agree.

- Add loot by area or/and autoloot feature.

Eh... I don’t know. I think there should be a “scrap item” button when looting added but I’m unsure about a loot all or autoloot feature. It’s a change that I personally think falls under “optimizing the play out of the game”. Disagree.

- Add “stash all” feature.

And then some. Inventory management is atrocious in this game, it’s actually unreal how they thought it was okay to ship it like that. You can only manage one item at a time, and the UI needs to completely reload each time you do. It’s obscene. Hard agree.

- Add transparency option for HUD elements.

Quality of life, sure. Agree.

- Add way to remove mods from unequipped weapons.

This was actually sort of news to me. I’ve just been scrapping weapons I unequip with the mods still attached, assuming the mods were just going back to my inventory. Evidently that’s not been the case, but I haven’t actually noticed it as an issue because mods are so frequently found. A bit arguable, to be sure, but I don’t see why guns couldn’t return their mods automatically when dismantled. So agree, I guess.

- Add toggle mouse acceleration.

Quality of life, sure. Agree.

- Driving markers and onscreen trajectory (alternative GPS).

I don’t actually know what this means. Does this mean have the line leading to your objective be in-world as opposed to the minimap? I can maybe see that being a thing, I guess. If that’s the case, agree.

- Body slider customization (height, weight, muscle mass).

Eh...I’m ambivalent on this one. It seems extraneous in that it’s unnecessary and just something someone wants rather than something the game strongly needs, but at the same time, with as much marketing that went into how customizable your character is in this game, it’s sort of depressing how poor the character customization really is. Because of that, part of me wants to agree with this, on the grounds that the game was sort of sold to us this way. So I’ll say I tentatively agree.

- Very few options for some of the character creation features (hair colour, tattoos, skin complexion, scars, etc).

See above.

- Animations for eating and drinking (excluding scripted ones).

The problem with adding animations to consumables is that not only would you need one for each type of consumable but that the animation would then need to completely play out each time, which can give players burnout. Going to have to disagree with this one.

- Unable to remove underwear outside of inventory.

I assume this means giving the player the ability to run around stark naked as opposed to in your underwear, and weirdly enough I have to agree. Much like the character customization, a significant amount of attention was paid to the fact that this game has nudity, and yet nothing is done with it. Even in the areas where you’d expect nudity to play a part (I.e. having sex, showering, etc.) it doesn’t, so it begs the question why even implement it?

- Vehicle customization.

This is going to maybe sound odd given my next answer but I kind of agree with this one to an extent. You can buy a fair amount of vehicles in the game, but you can’t customize any of them. At the very least, changing it’s colour and/or design I think is warranted.

- Apartment customization.

This I disagree with, again, to an extent. This isn’t Fallout 4 or the Sims, I don’t think there needs to be a fleshed-out feature to decorate your apartment. I do however think that some changes to it would be nice, even if they’re just preset changes. Like maybe the layout of misc. objects in your apartment changes as time goes on. Shit moves around, I don’t know. Or maybe you can pay for preset additions, like buying a lamp or poster or something that always goes in the same spot, but lets you feel like you live there I guess. Ultimately though, this is completely extra and unnecessary. Disagree.

- Cosmetic slots or transmog feature.

Hard agree. Again, customization of your character was made out to be a big deal, so let us wear the clothes we want to wear. The number of times I’ve had to run out in a skirt that says “Bitch” on it and a bra as a man simply because they’re my best clothes is unreal.

- Very few actual merchant stores in quantity and variety.

Quantity, I somewhat agree. The map could do with a few more of each type of merchant, although the map does sometimes already feel cluttered so perhaps not. Variety however, I disagree. I think there’s plenty variety in terms of merchants, I’m not sure what else you’d need. There’s merchants for guns, clothes, hacks, cyberware, resources, and consumables. What else is there.

- No garages or parking lots.

I assume this is related to owning multiple vehicles which I don’t yet so I’m not sure I understand where this argument is coming from. There is a parking garage at your apartment, so I don’t see why that couldn’t be a garage you can use, but ultimately I can’t weigh in on this without more information.

- Crowds have low level of reactivity and awareness to the game world.

This one bugs me because it’s like how much reactivity do non-interactable NPCs need? They run away from cars and violence. They say “oh shit” lines when you’re driving into them or shooting near them or they see a body, etc. What more do you need? Gonna have to disagree.

- Very few interactive NPCs outside of missions with meaningful dialogue.

See above and literally every open world game ever.

- Very few options to meaningfully construct a personality to V. You get to choose mission endings, but not an actual persona.

I disagree, I think you can pretty comfortably pick a persona for V. I mean it’s not the most advanced system in the world, no, but every game is going to limit your options. You can choose to be an asshole, a scumbag, a nice guy, honest, a liar, competent, incompetent, etc. It all depends on your attributes and what dialogue options you pick really.

- Lack of non-action oriented stories and quests about meaningful themes of cyberpunk dystopia.

This one I sort of agree with, but then again I’m a huge philosophy nerd so I generally can’t get enough philosophy in my games. I want every game to be as deep as Bioshock. I still have a long way to go in CP2077, so perhaps the quests get better, but many of them I’ve not found super interesting. Some have been memorable, sure, but very few, and of those not many are memorable for fitting the Cyberpunk theme explicitly.

- Player cannot smoke.

This one is just funny to me because, yeah in an RPG it’s not ideal to railroad the player, but because of the way the story goes, V doesn’t smoke. All so they can have a few funny lines of dialogue in the story, but w/e I’m okay without smoking.

- Weapon mods and skill trees largely irrelevant outside of marginal and mostly numerical improvements to combat.

I kind of agree with this. To be honest, I don’t even look at any of the stats outside of DPS and I get along just fine. I am playing on normal, so perhaps at a higher difficult these things matter more, but I can’t imagine how much more. So sure, I agree.

- Lack of emergent gameplay events in the game world (ie: dynamic and random triggers).

This falls under “how much is enough”, similar to the bit about the NPC interactions. From what I’ve seen so far, the only in-world ‘events’ that transpire are shootouts between cops and gangs that aren’t marked on your map as predetermined events. Could there be more? Sure, I guess. Does there need to be more? Eh, not really.

- Unable to alter character’s appearance (barbershop, tattoo parlors, plastic surgeon).

Agree. One mission I did, one of the rewards I received was a tattoo which made me think I was going to frequently unlock new customization aspects like that, but it ended up being a piece of cyberware for some odd reason. I think it would be neat if you didn’t have every bit of customization unlocked from the start and could change your appearance as you go unlocking more things.

- Lack of character reflection outside of the few mirrors available. This furthers the disconnection between the player and the character.

This was something I was thinking about genuinely, when standing in front of a mirror. A mirror has to be ‘activated’ in order to start showing your reflection, which I thought was odd, but I assumed it was because of performance issues which makes sense. At one point, even though my PC can’t run the game at ultra graphics, I switched over to it to see if mirrors would reflect all the time but they do not. I don’t however think we need to see our character all the time but more would certainly be better.

- No ownership of items (you can rob NPCs under their nose).

Yeeeeah, this bit I find kinda odd to be honest, especially because the UI for looting items is red which is commonly the colour used to denote “this item is owned and picking it up constitutes as theft”. Part of me thinks that the reason items don’t have ownership though is because of how clunky the stealth system is. There’s no way of knowing if an NPC can ‘see’ you or not. I feel like this is also why when you break a glass bottle or something, it doesn’t alert enemies because that would be so broken in this game because things explode all the time for no reason at all, you’d never be able to steal period. So I feel like no item ownership is because the developers know their game wouldn’t be fun with it.

- No prison or lasting crime system.

The lack of a prison is sort of explained (very briefly) in-game. The prisons are just way too overcrowded, and the police are basically a paramilitary organization who shoot on sight anyways, so there’s really no need for prisons. That said, committing a crime doesn’t have lasting consequences but again I think this is because the game knows that it’s too clunky to punish players for that. Driving is so wonky in this game, imagine if running over an NPC punished you beyond the small threat of police intervention? It would be unbearable.

- Wanted system is largely underdeveloped, with cops spawning out of nowhere and disappearing shortly after.

Yeah it is a little scuffed how cops just appear, that I will agree with.

- Cybernetics lack variety in meaningful choices that alter gameplay (except for limb weapons). Deus Ex has far more impactful mods that actually change the way you approach combat.

While I do sort of agree with there being a lack of variety, I feel the comparison to Deus Ex is a bit unfair. Deus Ex used cybernetics as it’s skill tree/progression system. When you leveled up in Deus Ex, you installed new cybernetics. That’s not the case in CP2077 though. I do however believe that outside of the legs, arms, and hands, not much really changes. I’m not sure what else they could do, but more would certainly be nice.

- The lifepaths are frustratingly brief and have little impact other than dialogue choices. V is essentially the same character regardless of path.

I can’t speak much to this because I haven’t even finished my first playthrough yet, but I will admit that there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot that comes from your lifepath. I’m playing as a Street Kid, and as someone who supposedly grew up on the streets, running with gangs, getting to know everyone, etc., it seems like there should be a bit more maybe. Like maybe Street Kids start with more gang rep because everyone knows who you are because you grew up together. The game tries to explain this away with “you went away for two years and have just recently come back” but right off the bat you meet one of the fixers who you knew and worked for before you left as if you were old friends, and two measly years is not enough for everyone to just forget who you are.

The traffic AI is lackluster and there are too few cars driving around for a large metropolis.

Disagree. There are plenty of cars for a reasonable driving experience. I don’t know if this guy was expecting bumper-to-bumper LA traffic or what, but there are plenty of cars to make the world feel alive and full while not being obnoxious and make driving impossible.

- Trains were obviously cut, even though the whole infrastructure is visible.

I genuinely don’t even know what this is referring to so I won’t comment on it.

- The world interaction is quite minimal. Among items that should be interactive: chairs, benches, toilets, stools, sinks, gym equipment, light fixtures, restaurant menus, smartphones, taxi, trash bins and dumpsters, most merchant stalls, microwaves, dancing floors, gaming tables, arcards.

This is a lot but some of it I agree with. You should be able to sit down on a lot more chairs, but at the same time I kinda understand why you can’t. The world is littered with places to sit, so much so that “Press F to Sit” would be on your screen 99% of the time. Taxis I was actually extremely disappointed were not in the game. The game literally sets up from the beginning that being a passenger in a car is a thing which gives you the impression that it’s a thing that can happen often, and that you’re able to either sit through the car ride or skip it altogether. I thought for sure that fast travel was going to constitute you hailing cab and it taking you to wherever you’ve marked on your map, with the option to sit through the ride or skip it at-will. It’s actually a huge disappointment that that’s not the case (I even had my friend who is playing as a Corpo test whether Delamaine was specific to Corpos-only but alas, it didn’t work).

- You cannot preview wardrobe and weapon purchases.

I’ve not actually bought any guns or clothes so I can’t comment on this.

- There is no reliable cover system.

This one is odd because there is a cover system, but it’s only a weird hint of one. If you’re crouched by a low wall and you aim your weapon, you will peak around the wall, but it’s very finicky and poor. I think the game could do without one altogether, but the fact that there’s a hint at one already implies it’s intended, so it needs reworking.

- Loot system is overdone, invasive and distracting. You are constantly showered with redundant and marginally better items and have no attachment whatsoever with your fashion and weapon choices. (Dear god, I hate this one).

Hard agree. This seems like somewhat of a repeat to an earlier one about not being able to really customize your character out of necessity to wear whatever is best. Loot is prevalent, but hardly ever relevant.

- Enemies are too spongy and level design forces frontal assault way too often.

This one is interesting because I almost agreed with it until I played the game a bit more. In fact, I might’ve made a post about this before, I can’t recall, where I said that it didn’t feel like stealth was always an option. In many cases, I stand by that statement. The stealth gameplay specifically isn’t always an option, which is frustrating. If you’re like me, and you’re using stealth with quickhacking, then it becomes way more relevant. Being able to breach into a camera network and kill everyone with quickhacks is amazing. However, the game seems to somewhat punish this style of gameplay for some odd reason. I will go through and systematically kill everyone via cameras from outside the building, but the moment I step into the building, more enemies will show up out of nowhere. It’s not just that they’re hiding in areas outside of the cameras view, no they literally spawn into existence the moment you go inside. It’s really jarring, odd, and kind of unfortunate. Oh and as for sponginess...eh, yes and no sometimes. Weirdly my quickhacks sometimes one-shot enemies, and other times it takes like 8 quickhacks to kill one enemy. It’s seemingly random, or a bug, or something. I’m not sure.

- Robotics and drone control largely absent (outside of scripted missions).

Hard agree. I was genuinely shocked to find out I couldn’t control turrets when they started popping up more frequently. Drones I can let pass because they’re mobile and therefor a bit more complex to code properly I guess, but turrets are child’s play to code. They’re literally the same as cameras but with guns. It’s really odd that you aren’t even given a perk that’ll let you control them.

#random rant #cyberpunk 2077 #holy shit this is long #I'm sorry #don't read this if you aren't ready lmao

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ladyvendetta · 3 years

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Ah yes peeps this day: February 23rd, 2021.

Someone forgot my birthday and yes some peeps greet me and I'm so happy.

Half of myself just sayin': Maybe this year after they forgot my birthday so that means it's a bad omen. Or maybe someone's busy alot so I accepted em.

I dunno when or where to wish at my birthday that be improve at arts or fuck hiatus shit but deep inside really was 'Hi anxiety and hi Autistic Burnout how was your day?'

...like yeah I dunno why peeps forgetting my birthday as if they forget me anyway and unlike last few years when many peeps greet me and gave me art for my birthday until things changed tho.

I'm ninteen years old gais and it's not easy to be positive ok? I hate humanity, I hate society, and I have right to hate myself no matter circumstances because I knew everyone don't understand me anyway.

I have self-doubts and in my mind really... I imagined myself as hostile, rude, lazy, fat, and rebel but ever since I had this grudge being open wasn't also easy.

Maybe this time social interaction isn't my thing tho and now isolation is my best friend.

As a result, this birthday was the most unhappiest birthday I ever had no matter you buy birthday cakes or cook meals for me or draw art for me. I was empty and lost.

I had to tell this because some of you said 'attention-seeking' but no I'd never do that. I want to fell asleep from reality because I'm tired from this world. This? All I can see was cruelty even in a brink of pandemic.

What do I wish for my birthday? Nothing. Nothing at all really.

All I dream was to walk on somewhere safe that no one humans see except few people that I need someone to hug, someone to appreciate and someone to be my best friend until death. I need to see people help me and care for me.

I don't think that dream wasn't that existing anymore.

I think I went blue after all.

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justanotherdeadgirlwalking · 4 years

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That is Just the Saddest F**king Thing I Have Ever Heard.

TW obviously DEH is about a kid’s suicide, so it has those themes

other parts :)

Part One.

Cynthia said I had to go to school today. “It’s your senior year Connor,” she said, “you can’t miss the first day,” which was just complete bullshit. I tried to compromise, “I’ll go tomorrow,” I told her. No, I had to go. Mom just wanted to get me out of the house after watching me sleep and sit in my room all summer. “Today’s a chance to go make some friends” she told me.

Look it’s not my fault that I don’t have any fucking friends, and it’s not my fault that I can’t make friends because everyone thinks of me as big, bad Connor Murphy, the freak. I’m not a freak. People just have this false idea of me in their head and have never taken the time to actually get to know me. I’ve always been a hot topic of rumors, even though I’ve never done anything really worth talking about. Except the incident in second grade. Someone explain to me why something so stupid that happened when I was 8 years old is something people still use to talk shit about me. It is still a story that gets told from time to time, “oh stay away from Connor Murphy, he’s batshit crazy. He once threw a printer at Mrs. G. because he didn’t get to be line leader” That’s not the whole story. No one knows what really happened because they weren’t even there. I mean, yes I was upset that I didn’t get to be line leader, even though it was my turn, and yes I did shove the table that the printer was on, which caused it to fall. So, I mean, I guess I threw the printer in a sense, but what does it matter? I was a child. Do you know how much embarrassing shit people did in elementary school that doesn’t get talked about because, well geez, they were children, and they’ve grown since then. Fucking Alana Beck peed her pants probably seven times that year, but we don’t talk about that. Whatever.

Most likely, no one is going to be telling that story this year. There’s some new hot gossip about me. See, I spent my junior year at a private school. It was awesome, I actually had a friend, and I was doing well, but I got kicked out. They did random locker searches, and I had weed in my locker, barley half a gram. The best part is, the weed wasn’t even mine. Not that anyone cares, not that anyone is going to ask, or listen to my side of the story. Ironically, they found so much Adderall, in probably 50 lockers, and they got away without so much as a warning. So, pills are okay, I guess, but marijuana isn’t.

Look, unlike what my parents might think, it isn’t dangerous or addicting or bad. Newsflash weed doesn’t hurt anyone. You can’t die from being too high, but pills, you can die from taking too many pills. I told them that too, I showed them statistics and research to convince them marijuana isn’t bad, they sent me to rehab to help with my ‘addiction,’ but all it did was teach me new, worse habits and prescriptions for mood stabilizers.

I’ve always been on medications to try to help me with the depression and paranoia, but I don’t like how they make me feel. Usually, I keep the pills hidden so Mom and Dad don’t catch on that I’m not taking them. I just prefer weed anyways; weed just calms me down, while the other crap I’ve been prescribed puts in a zombie like daze. I just smoke a little weed every now and then to help me get through the day.

People are going to say whatever they want, but I guess that it doesn’t help that I smell like pot anyways. That smell, no matter how many times you wash your clothes or spray your belongings with ferbreeze, never goes away. Regardless, I know I’m not the only stoner, not that I’m a stoner, but most people act like it’s a fucking personality trait to smoke. They’ll go online and post pictures of their bowls and blunts, thinking that they’re cool, but I’m a burnout freak because I smoke.

Despite my protests, I found myself in the passenger seat of Zoe’s car as she drove me to school. Some people might think it’s lame to be driven around by their little sister, but I fucking hate driving. I get too distracted, plus, other people drive like absolute nimrods. I got enough stress in my life, why add the stress of driving.

The first day of school is always a waste; you never do anything meaningful or important. People just spend the day catching up with friends, talking obnoxiously loud about their trip to Italy, or how they built houses for the homeless, and you just do ridiculous ice breakers and make nametags. It’s not like I’m going to learn anything, I’m just going to sit through hours of “two truths and a lie.” Plus, I’ll have to sit through the embarrassment of no one volunteering to guess which of my statements is the lie. No one wants to waste their time with that. Though, I will admit, I came up with some good ones this year, “My birthday is 420, I like to draw, and I have a dog.” The lie, obviously, is that I have a dog. I’ve always wanted one, but Larry has always said no, “they’re too messy.”

I try not to let other people bother me. I just focus my gaze straight ahead, walking as quick as I can to my first class, avoiding obstacles the best I can. In my opinion, people that stand in the middle of the hallway to have their conversation do not deserve rights. Hi, you, and your conversation is not more important than me trying to get to class. Have some fucking decency and at least move over to the side, Jesus Christ. On the bright side, people do tend to move out of my way. It might be out of fear, but it’s convenient. I put my head down as I cut through the middle of two people. “Hey Connor” a boy calls, “Nice hair length,” he continues, “very ‘school-shooter’ chic.” Wow, was that really necessary; did they really have to stop me to tell me that? That’s what I need too: Connor Murphy, not only a freak, but also looks like a school shooter.

I stop in my tracks with a heavy thud as my boots hit the ground. I whip around to face the voice. I look up with a narrow gaze and see Jared Kleinman and Evan Hansen. They are two nobodies like me, but I guess they think they’re better than me.

“I was just kidding” Jared stutters, “It was a joke.”

“Oh, I know.” I say, with no emotion, “I thought it was funny, I’m laughing can’t you tell?” I close the space between us until I’m in his face, towering over him. I’m not a scary person, but I am 6’3”, so my height tends to intimidate people, plus I really like wearing all black. My physical appearance is really a shell of armor, no one knows how sensitive I really am. At least, people can’t walk all over me if they are scared of me. I stare him down, “Or am I not laughing hard enough for you” I say.

I found, that if you stare at someone long enough, they will leave you alone. Mostly, because they are creeped out. It must be working, because Jared takes a step back, “you’re such a freak,” he says as he turns to make a run for it.

Evan’s still standing there, laughing quietly to himself. “What the fuck are you laughing at” I snap at him.

“N-nothing” he stutters.

I turn to him, “do you think I’m a freak.” He’s still laughing to himself. “You’re the fucking freak,” I yell as shove him.

I pause for a moment, looking down at Evan, who is now on the ground. He looks scared, like really, scared. Does he think I’m going to beat him up? Has he been beaten up before? Who hurt him? I scan his body quickly; this kid is already in a cast. Great, I just pushed an injured kid. Maybe I really am a freak. What the fuck is wrong with me? I collect myself and quickly walk away. I don’t have time to deal with this. It’ll probably be a few hours before this goes around the school.

I make it to my locker, my eyes are still on Evan, who is still on the ground. He’s been on the ground for a while, surly he should’ve stood up by now. Fuck, did I break his legs? Zoe walks up to him and helps him up. He’s fine. I watch as Zoe talks to him for a few minutes. Even my own sister isn’t on my side. Thanks Zoe, I’ll remember that the next time you want me to cover for you when you sneak out. Mom and Dad might think I’m the fucked-up child, but they have no idea what kind of shit you get into.

Each class is a blur as I sit through hours of introductions. Finally, its time for lunch. I don’t have friends to sit with, and I don’t like to give people the satisfaction of watching me sit by myself, so usually I spend the period in the library. I’m safe among the stacks. Books can’t judge you, but they can be an escape from your fucked reality. I can’t find a place to sit in the main library, so I go in the back by the computers. There’s a kid talking on his phone, but I don’t think he’ll mind my presence. I find a seat in the corner and lose myself in a book.

Suddenly, I’m snapped back into reality when the printer goes off. It scared the shit out of me. I look at the paper the printer is spitting out, “Dear Evan Hansen” the top reads. I look over to see Evan hunched over a laptop, talking to himself. I don’t think this kid has any friends either, besides Jared, but Jared’s a dick. Evan isn’t a freak like me, but he’s just someone always in the background. Everyone knows who he is, but no one cares.

I should probably apologize to him about earlier.

I grab the paper and walk over to him, “Hey.” He looks up at me, startled. “So, what did you do to your arm anyways?” I ask him.

He looks down at is arm as if he’s confused as to what I’m talking about. “Oh”, he stammers “I fell out of a tree.”

I look at him, expecting him to say more, he doesn’t. “Well, that’s just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard” I tell him.

“I know,” he says.

I look at his cast, its blank. I guess it makes sense, since he doesn’t have any friends. “Hey, no one’s signed your cast yet; I will,” I say.

“No, no you don’t have to” Evan whines.

“Do you have a sharpie?” I ask. He stares at me for a moment before he starts digging in his backpack and pulls out a marker, handing it to me. I grab his arm, and he winces. I ignore that and write my name as large as I can along the side of his cast. I figure, no one else is probably going to sign it, so I might as well take up as much real-estate as I can. “There,” I say, “now we can both pretend that we have friends.” Evan stares at his cast.

I remember that I still have his paper, “is this yours?” I ask, holding it out to him, “I found it on the printer, it says ‘Dear Evan Hansen,’ that’s you right?”

“Oh, that’s nothing, um, it’s stupid.” He tries to grab the paper from me, “It’s just an assignment”

I pull it out of his reach and look at it, my eyes land on Zoe’s name, “because there’s Zoe” I read aloud, “Did you write some freaky shit about my sister?”

“No, no” He stutters, trying to rip the paper out of my hand, “Why would I do that?”

“You wrote it because you knew I would find it” I snap, “So I would freak out and you can tell everyone that Connor Murphy is a fucking freak.”

“No” Evan cries.

I shove the paper into my pocket, “Fuck you” I say as I storm away.

I walk out of the library, and right out of the front door of the school. There’s still two periods left, but I don’t care, I’ve had enough of today. I keep walking, I don’t even know where I’m going. Eventually, when I’ve put enough distance between me and the school, I pause to pull out my headphones and put on some music. I don’t even care what I’m listening to, it just has to be loud enough to block out my thoughts.

I don’t feel bad about pushing Evan anymore; honestly that kid deserves way worse. He had to know I was in the room with him. No one is that oblivious to the world to not even notice that they’re not alone. Why would he write about my sister? Like does he have a weird fantasy about her that he just had to get down, and print out? Look buddy, most people keep their private thoughts in their head, where they belong.

I eventually reach a park, its oddly empty, but I guess all the children are still at school. I sit on a bench and throw my bag onto the ground, it rattles with impact. I pick it up to investigate the sound; I dig around until I find the source: a prescription bottle. I forgot that I had put my meds in here. I hold the bottle and read the label, it’s good old Prozac. I have refused to take it ever since it was prescribed to me. If you look it up, it has so many warnings and side effects listed, it doesn’t even seem worth it. Like there’s a small chance this will make you feel better, but there’s an even bigger chance that it might kill you, or make you want to kill yourself. The irony! They give you the medicine because you think about killing yourself, but the medicine makes you want to actually kill yourself. Do doctors even care about you, or do they just write you a prescription, so you go away?

I’ve never taken a single dose of this medication, outside of the hospital where they basically force it down your throat, but now seems like a good time to. I feel so numb, what does it even matter, it’s supposed to help me right? I swallow a pill, dry, and then another, and another. I keep swallowing them until I run out of pills. I throw the empty bottle on to the ground. Suddenly, I have a killer headache; I can feel my heart pounding, thoughts are racing in my mind. I lay down on the bench and take a deep breath.

#DEH #DEH fanfic #Dear evan hansen fanfic #deh fandom #dear evan hansen #dear connor murphy #connor murphy #mike faist #ben platt #musicals #fanfiction #fanfic #dear evan hansen fandom #connor murphy deh #zoe murphy #please validate me #trash

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theolddarkmachine · 4 years

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Imaginary- Chapter Two

Midoriya Izuku’s life was turned upside by fate.

Eri’s life was turned upside down by circumstance.

And Bakugou Katsuki is about to learn that even imaginary friends need to grow up.

Also on AO3

A/N: Just a couple quick notes on this world to avoid possible confusion. Bakugou is an imaginary friend, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist. There’s a whole bunch of imaginary friends who all work together and are assigned to kids by Administrators. They appear to kids based on whatever they need, so while some kids do end up with imaginary friends who look like kids, Bakugou appears to Eri as an adult.

****************************************

Bakugou Katsuki huffs an annoyed sound as he shifts against the embrace of the large bean bag chair beneath him. Crossing his arms over his chest in defiance, he tilts his chin upwards at the Administrator. The man before him is gaunt, almost swimming in a bright yellow suit that would have matched the messy mop of hair on top of his head if it wasn’t streaked through with grey.

Leaning forward on his desk, braced by his forearms, the Administrator holds his glare as he waits for him to say whatever is on his mind. Because he knows there is something on Katsuki’s mind.

There’s always something on Katsuki’s mind.

“And why do you want me with some timid brat again?” He asks, eyes flicking down to the desk as if he can see the profile open on it. Instead, his eyes land on the nameplate that stands between them like some sort of shield.

Yagi Toshinori, it reads in gleaming gold.

The man was a hero of sorts in their workplace.

Imaginary friends are meant to help those who have forgotten how to smile, he had proudly proclaimed, cementing his status in the friend hall of fame, and also landing himself a promotion to the top seat as the Administrator.

As far as anyone in their line of work knew, he was the only imaginary friend to ever move up.

And sitting across from him, Katsuki can understand why. Even now he has a smile pasted across his aging mug, as if his very decisions weren’t being questioned, but rather praised.

Katsuki finds himself wondering if the great Yagi Toshinori is really just as good a mediator as the office legends say, or if he’s just fucking senile.

“You need a change of pace, young Bakugou,” he boasts loudly, his smile somehow growing wider as he links his fingers and leans even further forward against his desk. “When was the last time you had a friend give you a challenge?”

That’s one hell of a loaded question, Katsuki thinks, sinking further into the blue pleather hug of the bean bag and ignoring the way it squeaks ever so slightly with his movement.

Never, was the answer.

Being a friend was all he had ever known, starting from whatever point of existence they all came from to now. He had never been challenged because there was nothing else to it. He was an imaginary friend. Yagi told him where to go, he befriended who was told to befriend, raised some hell, then moved on.

It wasn’t really science, and it wasn’t like there was a brat that could challenge him, anyway.

That much he grumbles under his breath, not looking at the Administrator and his unimpressed look as he sighs.

“It will be good for you,” Yagi says, voice full of authority and signaling the end of the conversation.

Taking the dismissal for what it is, he pushes himself out of the beanbag, doing his best to act as cool as possible about it. The act seems to fall flat as he hears a low laugh from the man, causing him to bristle at the sound.

“Maybe you’ll even learn something,” he adds, voice full of wonder and what sounds a lot like some kind of inside joke where Katsuki just might be the punchline.

“What the hell is a kid supposed to teach me,” Katsuki growls, waving his hand in a dismissive goodbye as he makes his way to the exit.

“Even imaginary friends need to grow up, young Bakugou,” the Administrator calls as Katsuki reaches the heavyset door. His words give him pause as his hand rests on the red mahogany surface of the polished oak.

There’s a moment that stands stark and still between them before Katsuki breaks it.

“Yeah, yeah,” he growls, pushing the door open and stepping over the threshold and into the hall. “Whatever the fuck that means, old man.”

***

Midoriya Eri, age 4, adopted.

Almost a victim of human trafficking thanks to yakuza fucks.

Painfully quiet.

Possibly a daddy’s girl.

Katsuki runs through his own revision the girl’s profile in his head for the umpteenth as he sits at the dining room table waiting for her to get up. Even paraphrased, it still didn’t make any sense to him.

No matter how many times he had parsed the pages in the folder, he still hadn’t been able to quite figure out why the Administrator had thought that he would be the right fit over someone like Pinky.

Or Shitty Hair.

Hell, even that damn Peppermint Head.

But Katsuki? The imaginary friend widely known around the office for being the sole reason why playing Heroes and Villains was expressly banned due to a minor explosion that may or may not have even been his fault?

Shaking his head, Katsuki slouches low into the seat, watching Eri’s dad possibly contemplate drowning himself in the scalding cup of coffee before him.

Poor bastard, he thinks as he watches the green haired man sigh heavily.

Midoriya Izuku, his mind supplies.

Age 26, single.

Rescued Eri from said yakuza fucks. Adopted her before she could enter the foster system.

Painfully tired.

Possibly addicted to caffeine.

He seemed like an upstanding citizen if he had ever seen one. If the profile was correct, Midoriya had been well on his way to the higher ranks of the police force in Tokyo before taking the young girl in.

A possible mental break, and some certified burnout later, and the guy was back in this small shit hole town with some serious baggage. Both of the emotional and eye varieties.

Katsuki would be a liar if he said he didn’t kind of admire him. He may not have known anything else aside from his job as a friend, but he sure as shit can guess that he also wouldn’t take the sudden turnaround in lifestyle very well.

At least it seemed as if he was doing a decent enough job with Eri.

She clearly cared about him. His influence had shone through, shiny and annoying, when he’d finally met her a few days earlier and it had almost caused him to strike out before he could even befriend her.

I don’t talk to strangers, Eri had said, not even bothering to look up from the sand castle she was crafting.

Then, when Katsuki had made a sound of indignant surprise, she’d gone on to say her Daddy Izuku was a cop and could kick his butt.

I’d like to see him try, Katsuki had grumbled, unprepared for the glare that shot straight through him when Eri had finally looked up from her hard work.

As it turned out, the kid had some spunk after all, and she had been prepared to show him just how much damn spunk in the name of defending her adopted dad.

Katsuki didn’t know Midoriya, but he knows that the cop is damn lucky Katsuki has some cool magic tricks up his sleeve that eventually buttered her up.

So you’re really my imaginary friend? She had asked after seeing every trick he knew, the sparkle of wonder in her eyes dampened by a hint of lingering suspicion.

On my life, kid, he’d answered as he’d held up three fingers with his left hand and crossed his heart with his right. Scout’s honor.

For how long? She’d countered, curious now.

For as long as you need, Katsuki had answered with a shrug. It wasn’t much of an answer but was as good as he could give. There wasn’t a time limit on how long imaginary friends stuck around. They would be there until they weren’t needed anymore, but that was too much of a concept to give a kid.

It had seemed to be all that the girl needed, though, before she’d pointed at the sand next to her and ordered him to help her finish the tower she was working on.

Midoriya’s world weary sigh pulled Katsuki’s focus to him once more.

He looks fucking tired, Katsuki thought before he heard the soft shuffle of feet.

Eri had the same tired look as her dad, down to the bird nests that they called hair, as she pulled out her chair and carefully climbed into it. The main difference, though, was that Eri’s sleepy demeanor would ease after some of those chocolate donuts Midoriya had on the table and probably an hour of actually being awake.

“Good morning,” Midoriya says, voice still sandpaper as he pushed the plastic container closer to the young girl, whose eyes light up slightly at the sight of chocolate.

“Morning, Daddy Izuku,” Eri replies quietly before greedily grabbing one of the donuts.

“Good morning, short stack,” Katsuki says, eyeing the small donut in her hand. Her gaze pulls from the pastry in her grasp and toward him before her lips turn up in a grin. With a small movement, she gives him a two-handed donut wave.

“Pass one of those over, why don’tcha,” he says, tilting his chin towards the plastic box at the same time Midoriya asks something about milk. Eri nods, and for a moment Katsuki isn’t sure if it’s to him or her dad until she dips a hand into the container and pulls another donut out.

As she places it in front of him on the table, Katsuki finds his attention back on Midoriya as he grabs a small pink mug from a cupboard. From where he sits, it looks a lot like it says ‘Daddy’s Sidekick’ in bright, curly script.

Mentally, Katsuki scratches out possibly a daddy’s girl and revises it to definitely a daddy’s girl as he watches Midoriya shuffle around the kitchen to fill the mug with some milk.

With his eyes locked on the man’s back, Katsuki grabs the chocolate donut and stuffs the whole thing in his mouth before smiling wide. It earns him a sleepy snicker from the girl that only makes his smile grow.

“Thanks, Squirt.”

***

“So you just rest it on your finger like so,” Katsuki says, holding the sides of the ball as Eri points a finger beneath it.

“Like this?” She asks, face contorted in very serious concentration. Katsuki knows it’s serious, because her tongue pokes out of the corner of her mouth.

“Just like that,” he says before nodding his head toward her other hand. “Now with that one, you’re going to put it on the ball, and when I say go, you’re going to give it a spin. Got it?”

Nodding slowly, as to not disturb the ball, Eri brings her other hand up and presses it lightly to it.

“Okay,” Katsuki breathes, flicking his gaze between the girl and the ball, trying his best not to laugh.

She just looks so damn serious over a silly ball trick. It isn’t even his best or most exciting one, but she had been adamant about learning this one.

I don’t think Grandma Inko will like if we set her house on fire, she’d said matter-of-factly when he’d offered to teach her a different one involving sparklers. At the time, he’d mentally cursed Midoriya for instilling the girl with too good of morals.

But now he thinks he can forgive him if only because the pipsqueak is at least giving him a good laugh.

Pausing in order to let the moment fill with tension, Katsuki counts to 20 in his mind, waiting until the exact second he’s certain Eri is going to pop with her excitement.

“Go!” He yells, quickly pulling back. Keeping his hands in the air, he watches as the ball stays on her finger for a quarter of a breath before it falls off the side of her finger with a dead thud on the grass.

DOA, he thinks sadly, painfully aware of the silence around them as Eri stares over at where the ball has stopped rolling. It’s one second, then it’s two, and then before he can get to three, he watches as she throws her head back with a loud laugh.

“Again!” She cries, pushing herself up to jog toward the ball. Picking it up, she brings it back over, sitting once more and adopting her super serious face before holding it up to him.

Taking it from her grasp, he kneels in front of her and holds the ball between his hands and waits for her to touch her finger to the bottom.

“So, kid,” he starts, watching as she squints harder at the ball as if she can find some answer to making it stay on her finger when she spins it, “what’s your dad’s deal?”

“What’s a deal?” Eri asks, cocking her head to the side as she pulls her hand back from the ball. With a tug at the bottom of her shirt, she uses the fabric to wipe at it before resetting it to the ball’s bottom and nodding as if it had made some huge difference.

“You know, why he looks,” Katsuki takes a hand away to gesture vaguely at his face, “like that?”

Tearing her gaze from the ball and fixing it on him, Eri’s eyebrows go up in question.

“Pretty?” She asks in that stupidly earnest way that kids have. It’s the first time he finds himself at a loss for words over something one of his friends has said.

“The fu—” he starts before stopping himself, biting the curse in half between his teeth and breathing in deeply. Pinching the bridge of his nose, Katsuki drops his head back, screwing his eyes shut against the bright sun above and doing a quick count to five.

Pretty was not what he had meant, though if he was being truthful, Midoriya did have an appealing quality to him.

Maybe it was the stupid spatter of freckles that dusted his nose and cheeks. Maybe it was the soft way he spoke with Eri in a way that was wholly different from what he was used to in his friends’ parents. Maybe it was those stupid curls that looked intentional, though Katsuki knew better after having seen the bedhead chaos from that morning.

But all of that was none of the brat’s damn business.

“No,” he growls when he resurfaces from his quick reset. Dropping his hand back to the ball and looking at Eri once more, he continues, “stressed as hell.”

“Oh,” she says, shoulders hunching around her ears as her frame and voice go small. Katsuki is sure she doesn’t fully understand what he means, by the way he can see the wheels turning in her mind, and he’s ready to rephrase again when she finally speaks up.

“I think he’s still sad we had to move. He really liked it in Tokyo.”

Katsuki supposes that makes sense. He truly can’t blame Midoriya for that. In comparison, Noto doesn’t hold a candle to Tokyo. Sure, he’d never been himself but he didn’t need to visit to know that the call of a fast life and the neon lights of a city would appeal to him much more than the quiet town if he was given the chance.

“Did you like Tokyo?” He asks, genuinely curious. There hadn’t been much in Eri’s profile about her parents and her time in Tokyo aside from everything after Midoriya had saved her.

With a half shrug, noncommittal and barely a movement at all, Eri doesn’t say anything else as she gives the ball a halfhearted slap. They both watch it as it rolls pitifully across the grass and towards the garden boxes along the fence.

Mentally, Katsuki adds possible emotional constipation to his mental list of Eri traits.

He gets that. He doesn’t like to talk about feelings either.

Standing to his full height, he offers a hand to the small girl to pull her to her feet.

“Do you like it here?” He decides to ask as they make the short walk across the yard to get the ball. The question causes her to perk up, her back straightening as she runs a bit ahead of him to pick up the purple plastic ball.

“Yeah, silly Kacchan,” she says brightly, not even looking back at him as she speaks, “because I get to be friends with you!”

It’s another stupidly earnest thing that makes him pause just behind her. Katsuki has had many friends that he has helped in his time. More than he could care to try and count, yet none of them had expressed that sort of sentimentality towards him. Had they liked him? Sure, at least, he thinks. He had been regarded as a partner in crime across the nation, helping punk kids work through their various anger issues and trouble phases.

Had any of them actively shown joy about his presence? That, was a big resounding no.

Yagi’s word flit around his mind as he flounders over the compliment, doing his best to decide between heartfelt thanks and on brand bite before settling on a subject change

“So what are these,” Katsuki asks flatly, pointing a finger at the garden box. Inside there are various plants growing in carefully placed lots and clearly marked.

“Plants!” Eri says merrily as she peers down into the box and looks over the various vegetables and fruits that have worked their way out of the soil. “My Grandma Inko is a really good planter.”

“Sounds like a boring thing to be good at,” he replies without any bite, breathing a small sigh of relief that Eri isn’t old enough to question his sudden interest in the garden over what she’s said.

“It’s not boring! They start as seeds and she makes them plants!” She exclaims. It’s the shortest lesson in plant growth he’s ever heard and he has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing.

Way to sell your grandma’s skill short, kid, he thinks to himself.

“Well that sounds easy as hell. If that’s the case, then I bet anyone can be a good planter,” Katsuki says instead. Moving his stare from a particularly plump tomato, he looks to Eri to see her bright eyes already on him.

“You’re silly, not everyone can make plants,” she states, voice dropping suddenly as if she’s divulging national secrets. “Daddy Izuku says he once killed a plastic plant and those aren’t even real.”

Katsuki’s barking laugh seems to take them both by surprise as it escapes him, filling the garden around him.

This kid is a freaking riot, he thinks as he mentally adds plant murderer to his internal list of Midoriya traits. Amidst his laughter, Eri’s attention is caught by something behind them.

“Hey Daddy Izuku!” Eri says brightly as she turns over her shoulder and does an awkward walk-run to close the short distance between her and her dad. Following behind, he watches as Midoriya sinks down to her level and reaches out to gently to stroke her hair. At this angle, the sun ricochets off his green hair, pushing its coloring closer toward gemstone instead of moss. It gives it a golden touch that Katsuki would think of as ethereal if he thought about that kind of shit.

Midoriya’s voice pulls him from his thoughts as Katsuki hears him ask Eri who she’s talking to.

The girl’s eyes go slightly wide as she looks to him, the question clear in her gaze. This isn’t the first time, or even the hundredth time a parent has asked their kid about him. Usually it takes at least couple more days, but it seems the Midoriyas were going to continue to surprise him.

That was fine, it wouldn’t change anything anyway.

Shrugging in a silent go ahead, Katsuki watches Midoriya’s face as Eri proudly waves towards him and says, “this is Kacchan!”

He can see the moment that her dad realizes he’s dealing with an imaginary friend situation. That at least isn’t different from what he knows. It starts with confusion, then melts into that subtle moment of fear where Katsuki suspects parents consider the possibility of a haunting, and then finally settles into understanding usually accompanied by a tight smile.

As if almost on cue, he watches Midoriya’s lips curl slightly at their edges as he looks in his direction, still crouched as if speaking to another child.

That is also another common misconception he is both happy and annoyed to see stick.

“Hi, Kacchan, nice to meet you!” Midoriya says in a cheery voice that holds the same quality of plastic. Katsuki doesn’t bother with a reply for obvious reasons, instead opting to roll his eyes and scoff.

That’s when it happens.

A line of tension cuts across Midoriya’s shoulders as his eyes creep up and for the length of his own sharp intake of breath, Katsuki could swear the man sees him. Truly sees him. Time stalls as Midoriya seems to hold his gaze, looking up with his verdant stare. It isn’t until the man blinks that the spell breaks, and almost as soon as it had happened, the moment was gone.

Turning away with an easy smile, Midoriya tells Eri that it’s time to go home and leads her back to the house, leaving Katsuki in the middle of the yard with a steady stream of what the fuck running around his mind.

He could swear Midoriya had seen him, or at the very least, heard him. The burn of his stare still prickles his skin as if it’s still on him even though the man has his back to him. Rubbing gently at the space over his heart where the ache seems to be radiating, Katsuki lets out an uneasy breath that he wasn’t even aware he was holding.

“What the fuck?” He asks to the empty yard before disappearing with a small pop.

******************************

#bkdk #bakudeku #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #bnha #writing bakugou pov is fun yall lol #also i saw heroes rising today and it was a grand time #id like to thank whomever decided to make nine that pretty and have jyb voice him #id also like to thank whomever decided to make the entire last third of the movie that neat to watch lol

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blapisblogs · 4 years

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After that song ends and Corey Taylor gets a glimpse of something we’ll come back to later, we then cut to “young Corey Taylor” getting smacked and sassed by... Rob Scallon as the teacher? Yeah, Doug not only got Corey Taylor and his son Griff for this, he also brought in another musician. At least he got to contribute more to the music in this “review” than Corey Taylor did. Apparently he’s dating Tamara Chambers and that’s how he got involved with this (which makes the fact that Tamara’s here as one of his “students”... awkward at best), but judging by how desperately he’s tried to erase any mention of his involvement with this after the severe backlash it got, I’m guessing that he now regrets this. Anyway, hello, other Doug Walker regular Malcolm Ray. I have no clue who the other two “students” are, but I can only guess that they’re other regulars for Doug’s stuff. (Edit from the future: I think the other guy’s name is Walter? I know nothing about him except he works for Doug and I guess he likes Power Rangers.) All of them have high-pitched dubbed-in voices (I guess to make them sound younger in a “funny” way), and it’s really grating. Like... If you’ve read through my liveblogs about Sonic X, then you remember how I hated it whenever Bokkun said literally anything, right? Well it’s not quite as bad as him as far as the pitch goes, but it is just as annoying, if not even more so because there’s multiple people with high-pitched voices and the lyrics they get to sing in this part aren’t just annoying, they’re insulting.

Oh yeah, did I mention they sing for this next parody song?

If you know the album or the movie, you're probably already dreading this, and it's just as bad as you fear, maybe even worse. Yes, we’re at what’s probably the most popular song from The Wall: the BAFTA award-winning “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2)”. If you don’t know, that song is preceded by “The Happiest Days of Our Lives”, which is so connected with it that most of the time it’s considered part of “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2)” itself, as I’ve always heard it credited as part of that song on the radio. Doug does seem to know the difference though, as he notably does not parody the lyrics from “The Happiest Days of Our Lives”, which to me is a problem: that part is integral to knowing the story behind the song that follows it because it’s the part that talks about how the children in the school were abused by their teachers. Again, since Roger Waters based a lot of this off his own life and he grew up in a time where the teachers were legally allowed to physically and emotionally abuse their students, it’s pretty obvious that’s what the song’s about. Even without including “The Happiest Days of Our Lives”, Doug still parodied the scene where the teacher was humiliating young Pink in front of the entire class, reading his poems aloud and calling them “absolute rubbish” (though for this “review” it’s the teacher insulting Taylor’s musical taste in Pink Floyd, which is still shitty and psychologically damaging, and really upsets me as an autistic person who’s had their interests mocked multiple times). Despite all this, Doug claims Waters is just being a crybaby and exaggerating how bad his school life was when the abuse he suffered and the damage it caused him was real and very serious. You can say what you want about Waters’s ego, Doug, but making fun of someone for being abused, especially as a child, is a line that you should never cross.

It seems like Doug’s not satisfied enough with mocking what Roger Waters was talking about regarding his school life, though, because he goes as far as to mock all people who complain about school, dismissing detailed dissections of what’s wrong with today’s education system as “long-winded rants”. I’m convinced he didn’t actually read these “rants” he’s mocking, because there are serious problems with our education system. I could go into all the shitty things that I personally had to go through as an autistic kid, but you can find plenty of better, more detailed posts and articles talking about how fucked up America’s education system is today, to say nothing of what England’s school system was like in the 50′s (you know, the time period and experience Waters was clearly talking about with this), and this post is already long enough before I can even properly rip into this dreadful parody.

As the turd on top of this shit sundae, Doug Walker does a Dracula impression for part of the song because he’s saying that Roger Waters is calling all teachers “monsters” (yes, that’s literally the only reason). More specifically, it’s the Dracula played by Adam Sandler in the Hotel Transylvania franchise, where Sandler was already doing a weak impression of Bela Lugosi. Basically Doug’s doing an annoying, shitty impression of an already annoying, shitty impression.

Kill me.

[Lyrics (and snark) below the cut]

NC: We need more victimization (There are no good teachers! Not one! Not even by accident!) We need more stuff to rebel

[I know some people will complain about literally anything, but did you actually pay attention to what the album and film were saying? That teachers who abuse their students and try to quash their creativity and individuality is bad, something that Waters himself has clarified in interviews regarding the very song you’re parodying here? Do you not agree with that?]

(We don’t want to help you! We just want to eat your blood and suck your brains!) Though our education system’s broke (Wait, maybe it’s the other way around. I don’t know, I got a high school education! Muahahahaha!) This is pandering like hell

[You reviewed Norm of the North, Boss Baby, and the Emoji Movie despite none of those having ties to anything nostalgic (you even admitted as much in your review of the former), which was the entire point of the Nostalgia Critic. If that's not you pandering to your fanbase who just likes hearing you yell about bad movies, then I don’t know what is.]

(Remember that one teacher who seemed cool? He wasn’t! He was all part of the plan!) Hey! Who cares? All this bitching sells!

[Clearly it does considering your whole internet career is founded on that.]

(Remember that one teacher who seemed really kind and gave you candy?) Well oh well, we’ve got another hit in The Wall (That candy was really sugar-coated children's’ souls!) L-O-L, so school sucks. Grow a damn pair of balls.

[Okay, Boomer. You first. (Before anyone goes “well actually he’s not a Boomer”: I don’t care. This is such a Boomer message that a Boomer may as well be saying it.)]

(Children’s souls! We’re so evil! Muahahahaha!)

[I’m sorry for including all the evil laughing in this transcription, but it’s just as annoying to hear it, trust me.]

Bokkun “Child” chorus: Real cool visualizations (It’s all part of the plan so that you’re more likely to get a job when you’re older!) Milking your gloom and pity (Muahahahahaha! How terrible is that? Muahahahahaha! Muahahahaha!)

[Considering how schools in the way they operate now make students lose sleep, stresses them out over numbers that are assigned to tasks that have been forced upon them, and has been outdated for years since that’s not how most jobs work anymore... Yeah, it actually is terrible. You even said earlier that there are problems with our current education system, yet now you’re making fun of people who criticize it? Make up your mind.]

You hated school, who the hell didn’t? (It’s like those ‘90s commercials where the adults look like bad guys!) What’s next, hating DMVs? (Except they weren’t 90s commercials, they were really mini-documentaries! It’s all true! Muahahahaha!) Hey! Waters! Leave it on F-B!

[We get it already, Doug, you really hate Waters’s ego and the things he talks about in these songs. You’ve already talked about that in your previous parody, can you move onto something else about the movie that isn’t that? So far you’re making it sound like that’s the only thing worth talking about regarding this film.]

(We really don’t see what makes Cinnamon Toast Crunch so great!) All and all, complaining doesn’t mean much at all

[Well, at least you’re able to admit that your career means nothing.]

(Because we’re old! Muahahahaha!) But who cares, it’s still a damn cool song in The Wall (Bleh bleh bleh bleh, I’m a teacher, bleh bleh bleh bleh!)

[In case anyone was wondering why I said it was Adam Sandler’s shitty Bela Lugosi impression he was doing and not just a shitty Bela Lugosi impression, there you go. (For those who don’t get it: the “bleh bleh bleh” thing is a recurring “joke” in at least the first Hotel Transylvania. Yes, it’s as lame as it sounds.)]

We still need more persecutions (Muahahahahahaha! Ahehahahahahehe suck your blood, bleh!) (??) need to hear you (???) (Stabula!)

[I’m giving this my best shot, I really am, but... all I hear for that last set of question marks there is a really inappropriate c-word.]

What are you big boys to say school’s lame? Based on a long-winded rant?

[Hmm, posts and articles made by people who know what they’re talking about explaining how the American school system (since that’s what you’re basing this on rather than the one Waters wrote about) needs some serious retooling in order to cause less burnout, stress and trauma with literal children that can and will affect them in the short and long term when they grow up, or some internet jackass who gets paid for yelling at things and hasn’t been to a high school since at least the 90′s. Gee, I wonder whose opinion on that subject matters more in this situation. (That was sarcasm, by the way, for those who couldn’t tell.)]

Hey! Twitter! (???) bloody (???)!

[I’ve tried my best to figure out what they’re saying here, but this is one of the few times that I cannot actually tell no matter how hard I try, I’m sorry.

So anyway, the TL;DR version of what I think of what this parody song has to say about the original can be summed up in one Kermit gif:

...Why aren’t I watching The Great Muppet Caper instead?]

#Blapis tears down NC's The Wall #abuse mention //#child abuse mention //#long post #bold text warning #very long post #gif warning

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lmjaem · 5 years

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jaemin has been going back and forth about the idea of having the track uploaded. sure, he's had his some of his tracks on his soundcloud. but this particular one was much more aggressive straight forward than the kind of songs he had there so far. all he wanted to say were tucked in this lyrics. but as the pointer hang over the upload button, he takes a deep breath, leaning back, and switching windows instead to listen to the song one more time. this is what his friends and a few followers have been waiting for these past few months now. he's been silent about his experience in the show, not an actual conversation with anyone but haechan. now, the world will hear it in its full uncensored glory.

as soon as he started writing the lyrics down, he felt the frustration brewing inside him. just like the day after the reality sinks in and he sits in the couch, re-watching the previous episodes and then keeping up with the new ones. his process is perhaps typical, he writes down without thought, just pour out everything onto the paper, let his hand grip onto the pencil as hard as he felt like it, sloppy hand writing, vague phrases, nerdy references, anything and everything goes down. that's the first stage. the words are what he usually focuses on first, because as outspoken as he is, there needs to be a certain way words are delivered or sentences are constructed otherwise they could be misunderstood.

BREAKING NEWS, THE KID FROM SEASON 5 TOOK HIS MICROPHONE OFF THE CAMERAS GOT TAKEN AWAY AND HIS CUSPIDS STARTED TO GROW (BACK), THIS IS UNLIKE HIS REIMAGINED TRACKS, HE'S A PRODIGY IN SLEEVING WHEN YOU PRESS PLAY, THIS TRACK WILL HIT THE AIRWAVES MUCH HARDER THAN VALVIDIA AND SPLASH BLOOD ACROSS THE FRONT ROW

honestly, he isn't worried about what people are going to say or what they'd think of him, that ship has never docked. if all that mattered to him at all, he wouldn't bother with this dream to become an idol. jaemin shifts in his seat, nodding his head as the beat goes on. he sits in the dark room, the screen being the only source of light, making his eyes hurt a bit after doing the backing tracks for the last four hours. he remembers recording this part a handful of times, thinking the feel wasn't right at all. hearing it now, passing up on sleep and some breaks in class is worth it. he held his breath when he let donghyuck first hear it, but he was sure his boyfriend is glad that he's ble to talk more about his feelings.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE AT THE TOP? Y'KNOW GRAVITY DOESN'T REST ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE WE SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER IN THIS PIT A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY THIS IS A PETTY MOVE, TASTELESS AND RUDE BUT I'M HUMAN (RIGHT?) I NEED TO FEEL GOOD AND SAY WHAT I HAVE TO SAY THIS RUDE KID WILL THROW SOME PUNCHES BET IT WOULDN'T EVEN HURT (YOU) NONE OF YOU WILL PROBABLY COMMENT OR THE MEN IN SUITS WILL STEP IN MOLDED TO BE THICK-SKINNED WITH POLISHED SMILES AND GOOD MANNERS (BULLSHIT) BUT YOU LOST YOUR SHOT, BROKE THE DOME, WHY ARE SHIFTING LANES NOW?

it feels good. being able to articulate these feelings that he's had to keep inside of him for weeks. the track has been sitting in his laptop for weeks, finished but needed some polishing. in those weeks, he sat in silence and went on with his life thinking it would remain just another dark thought at the back of his mind. he wasn't one to engage in things that would not bring about anything beneficial. but when he thought about how it could help his mental state, give him a peace of mind. he thought maybe discourse doesn't always have to be a two-way thing, nor did it require a response.

A SHIT TON OF EMPTY PROMISES, ENCOURAGEMENTS ALL FOR THE SAKE OF COMPANY IMAGE BET YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER MY NAME, STILL YOU'D SAY I HAVE STAR POTENTIAL BUT KEEP LISTENING, I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T FORGET ME OR THIS SONG YOU'D TAKE THE CD BUT NOT FOR MY DEMOS, BUT TO PUT MY FACE ON BILLBOARDS GET HIGH TIMESLOT RATING, MORE SOCIAL MEDIA HITS, MERCH ON DEMAND, WHO CARES IF I HAVE MEDIOCRE TALENT AS LONG AS I SOLD OUT THE SHOW, RIGHT?

if anything, jaemin felt cheated. he had been following the industry for pr!zem, knowing the hows and whats in order to support them like every fan would. he's one of the biggest fansites in the fandom. n jaemin should have known better. and yet he found himself hoping that things would be different, he thought maybe, just maybe this time it would be different. (who knew he still have that kind of faith for anyone or anything else but haech?) it was foolish of him, and that's why this track exists.

LET'S ALL DANCE TO A DIFFERENT TRACK NOW, I'M READY TO LISTEN TO YOU (NAH) JUST DON'T TAKE ME FOR A FOOL BUT THAT'S NOT HAPPENING, IS IT? SO LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR THIS TRACK EXISTS BECAUSE THE PLAYING FIELD WAS TIPPED ADVERTISED AS OPEN TO ALL, BUT THESE ARE THE SAME FACES DIDN'T REALIZE THAT I WAS LUCKY, FELT LIKE THE LOTTERY MORE THAN ANYTHING I ALWAYS THOUGHT STAYING UNIQUE AND TRUE TO THE MUSIC WAS ALL THAT MATTERS BUT I GUESS ALL THAT'S BABY TALK IF SOMEONE HAS BETTER CONNECTIONS

despite knowing this is something he'd probably do eventually, jaemin still felt good about finally hearing it like this. it's finished, ready, and perfectly encapsulates the emotions and ideas he wanted to deliver. it was just a matter of how deep people will go into his lyrics, it's as much as a diss track as a wake-up call of sorts. but something inside of him did change after the song. a setback isn't going to stop him from writing more. he stopped for a while and thought about quitting, but what would that do for him? he refuses to let them win. he hates the idea of that of all things.

BUT REALLY I WROTE THIS SONG TO SPEAK MY MIND, DO WHAT I COULDN'T ON STAGE BECAUSE SOME COMPANIES NEED RAW CONCEPTS FOR THEIR UPCOMING COMEBACKS HERE'S A HEARTFELT ADVISE TO THE CAPITALIST USING MUSIC AS A COVER UP, PAY PROPER WAGES, TREAT ARTISTS RIGHT, AND WEAVE SOME HUMANITY IN YOUR BUSINESS CHARITY WORK DOESN'T EQUATE TO COMPASSION, VACATIONS AREN'T A PRIZE, IT'S A RIGHT STOP PUSHING PEOPLE TO BRINK OF A BURNOUT, OR TO LIVE SECRET LIVES THAT'S HOW BUTTERFLY EFFECTS COME ABOUT, GROUP BREAK-UPS, AND DISS TRACKS, YOU'RE LISTENING TO ONE RIGHT NOW.

he was hoping by the time he reaches this part of the song, he'd have changed his mind and let the song stay in the folder. it's usually easy to just brush off his frustrations once he's talked about it or wrote about it. but there was still that desire to have it uploaded, for it to reach the audience and for absolutely everyone to hear. it goes beyond this particular song though, there was the urge upload his older demos, even the ones he wasn't very confident in. he can't let his anxieties hold him back, can't overthink things at this point. he's already put himself out there the minute he admitted this is what he wanted to do.

THIS WORLD IS FALLING UNDER THE MERCY OF GREED IF A CONVENIENT OPPORTUNITY COMES, THE FALLEN WOULD TAKE IT WHO CARES IF IT'S HYPOCRITICAL OR IRONIC, AN OPPORTUNITY IS AN OPPORTUNITY I GUESS IN A WAY I UNDERSTAND IT, BUT THAT's JUST HYPOCRITICAL I'M GONNA BEGIN THE OUTRO, EVERYTHING IS OUT IN THE OPEN AFTER ALL WHAT IS THE POINT OF TRYING TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND AND SEE WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR EYES CLOSE AND HANDS OVER YOUR EARS? IF THERE'S ANYTHING I PICKED UP FROM ALL OF THIS IT'S TO CHANNEL EVERYTHING TO MY MUSIC AND KEEP CREATING MASTERPIECES THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF A MASTER PLAN THERE'S MORE I'M ABOUT TO DROP BUT I'M SAVING IT FOR MY NEXT TRACK NOW THAT'S HOW YOU DO A PROMOTION YOU TELL THE TRUTH (DON'T GET CAUGHT)

this is the part he's convinced that he's lost it, and he shakes his head and sighs as he hits upload. "open system it is." he mumbles as he gets on his feet, a small smile finally break on his face as he sees it finally up.

LYRICS / FLOW REFERENCE INSTRUMENTAL

#( HERE. IT. COMES #here it comes asdfadsaf )#jmn:sc #jmn:solo #arc: first verse

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