#i know im thinking too much on that but it just seems like such bad practice
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Dreaming of You
guys I love selena so much you DON’T understand.. @anisscarletstarlet HERE UGH 🙄🙄
summary ✦ forcing Sam, the heavy metal lover, to listen to one of your favorite songs that he definitely has never heard or even known about.
“pleasee!” you beg Sam, tugging on the sleeve of his shirt. “why? I already know I won’t like it.” he replies with his arms crossed as you two sat on his bed. “I listen to all the songs that you want me to listen to even though I don’t like them.” his eyes darted over to you as if he was offended.. he really didn’t care. sam knew you kinda hated his music, but at least you tried listening to it just for him, so he didn’t say anything.
“so, why can’t you do the same for me?” you continue, still tugging at him. sam rolled his eyes and groaned. “kay, but if i don't fuckin’ like it within the first few seconds, im not listening to it anymore.” your boyfriend says, making you smile. hes always been kind of a jerk, but it was whatever, thats just how he is with everyone. you turn the tv on, going to youtube and search up “dreaming of you” by selena and take a seat on his lap, his arms wrapping around your waist.
as soon as he hears the beginning tune of the piano, he groans and lays on his back. “yeah, im not listening to this shit.” what a drama queen. “too bad, I don't care, deal with it.” you reply, still sittting on his lap as you face the tv, getting ready to hear one of the most beautiful songs ever made (real). sam smirked at your reply to him, liking how you just told him to deal with it. he places a pillow under his neck, enjoying the view of you on his lap (while also giving in, listening to the song.)
“late at night when all the world is sleeping, I stay up and think of you.” he thinks it corny, but that first lyric makes him think of you. he does think of you at night when everyone else is sleeping. his nosy hands find their way to your hips, fingers sometimes pulling down at the hem of your sweatpants, but not daring to actually take them off because he knew you just wanted to enjoy this moment of listening to a sweet song.
to his surprise, he was actually paying attention to what the singer was saying in her song. the song actually reminded him of you. “so I wait for the day with the courage to say how much I love you,” that was pretty relatable, he guesses. in the middle of the song when the woman speaks spanish, he doesn't undertand, hut he had a feeling she was saying something like ‘I need you in my life’ or some other romantic bs like that.
even if he thought it was cliché and corny, he didnt seem to really hate it. it was okay. he wouldn't listen to it on his own time, but if it came up randomly on a playlist or the radio, he wouldn't skip it. probably just because the whole song reminded him of you. when the song finished, you turned the tv off and flipped yourself around to be face to face with him. “soo? did you like it?”
“I didn't hate it.” was his reply. his black stained eyes paid close attention to your pretty face, one hand caressing your jaw and the other on your ass. “reminded me of you,” he let a small smirk slip past his plump lips. “I love you, ya know?” he asks, his hand that was caressing your jaw, now messing with your hair. “yeah, I do.”
“I dream of you, too.”
｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ｡ﾟ
taglist: @anakinstwinklebunny @heartsforanakin @anisscarletstarlet @sockiess @erosmutt @rottencandyblood @radiantvader @freezerbride95 @starsfortaylor 🎀
#sam monroe imagine#sam x reader#sam life as a house#sam monroe x you#sam monroe fanfiction#sam monroe x reader#sam monroe#life as a house 2001#life as a house#hayden christensen fic#hayden christensen x reader#hayden christensen imagine#hayden christensen
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HIII KASS ‼️‼️‼️
recently i js got out of a rlly toxic relationship with my bf, and it made me think! heeseung helping yn realize her abusive bf is bad for her??
can i be 🐮 anon?
Realize ┃L.HS
heeseungxreader
yn is in an abusive relationship, heeseung wants her to know that she deserves better.
cw: angst/fluff! domestic violence, hitting, swearing, abusive relationship, degrading.
wdct: 1.2k
tysm for your request. im so glad you're out of that relationship 💚 pls stay safe and don't sell yourself short bc u deserve a person who respects you and loves you.
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Third Person POV~
You'd be lying if you ever said this is the first time you've left your apartment in the middle of the night. It's definitely not the second either, and you're sure it's not the last. You're in a relationship, and have been in the same relationship for two years. You love your boyfriend dearly, and you're sure he loves you too, but alcoholism is a thing, sadly.
He works long days, and sometimes nights.. You'd like to think it's stress leading his actions. At least that's what you thought at first. All the time's he's come home slightly drunk, you were never bothered by it, but it seemed like he started getting more agressive as the long weeks went on.
Picking dumb fights with you over small things, getting irritated by simple touches or gestures. Slight agression over you not wanting sex from him. Everything just seems to have gone downhill the past few months.
He got home about an hour ago, at around midnight. You woke up hearing the shower, and you got out of bed, stumbling into the bathroom. "Baby?.." You call out lowly, and he peeks out from behind the shower curtain, scoffing. "I thought you were sleeping?"
"I was.. Sorry I didn't wait up for you." You apologize as he rolls his eyes. "I don't expect much from you anymore anyway.." He says as you frown, rubbing the sleepiness from your eyes. "What is that supposed to mean?.."
He turns off the shower, wrapping his towel around his waist as he steps out, his hair dripping onto his damp skin. "You're smart enough to put it together, aren't you?"
You're clearly puzzled at the annoyance in his tone, but he doesn't seem to care. "Did I do something wrong?"
He scoffs, grabbing another towel to dry his hair. "Let's see.. I basically never get sex from you, you don't wait for me at night, I hardly ever see you anymore, and you cop an attitude everytime I say anything to you." He argues as you sigh. "It's hard to want sex when you're always coming home drunk lately."
He raises an eyebrow at your words, stepping closer to you, you can smell the scent of his bodywash fresh on his skin. "Oh really?.. So if I wanted to fuck you right now, would you give in?.."
Your back hits the counter as you step back, your chest rises with each heavy breath as he traps you in between himself and the counter. "You've had a long day, and so did I.. Let's just rest.."
He chuckles, pressing himself against you, you can feel everything thanks to the thin towel he's wearing. "I think fucking you would help me relax way more.." Soon enough he's leaning in to kiss you, but you dodge immediately, pushing him away by the chest.
"Just put some clothes on and we can both sleep.." You suggest, only to be ignored when he pushes your hands away, attempting to kiss you again.
This time you shove him away, leaving the bathroom. He follows, shoving you against the wall once he has a good enough hold on you.
"Please.. Just calm down." You attempt to move, only to be pressed firmly against the wall once more. You can feel a bruising pain blossom throughout your left shoulder blade from the impact of your back hitting the wall.
He attempts to tug on your sweats, but you hold them up. "Stop, just leave me alone!"
He pulls back, staring at you as he scoffs. "You stupid bitch.. Show some respect."
The next few seconds blur as you feel his palm strike your cheek, the pain burning itself into your skin as you immediately press your hand to the spot to soothe the pain.
Your eyes are watering and he's seemingly shocked by his own corse of action. As soon as he parts his lips to speak, you run past him, grabbing your phone before leaving the room.
You slip into some shoes, grabbing your keys and your wallet just in case. And then, you left.
Now you're standing in the rain, feet planted on the doormat of your closest friend's doorstep as you raised your fist to knock.
Though it took awhile, the door eventually opened, Heeseung staring down at you with a pitied expression. "Y/n?.. What are you doing here this time of night?.. Did you guys argue again.." He leaves before you can answer, soon coming back with two towels. He sets one on the floor so you can walk in and then he wraps the other one around you.
You finally release the well of tears that you tried so hard to hold back, and Heeseung's worry multiplies itself. He decides that comforting you is worth more than staying dry, so he hugs you, rubbing comforting circles onto your back.
"What happened..?" He questions gently, pulling back to look at you. You take a second to calm down before staring up at him. "He hit me..." You divulge with a sob, and Heeseung's expression twists confusedly.
"Your boyfriend?.." He asks, and when you nod, his eyes go dark. "I told you to break up with that asshole ages ago, and now he's hitting you?!"
It's clear Heeseung is upset, but you're not in the mood for the "I told you so" speech. "He didn't mean it... He just got upset.." You defend to which Heeseung sighs, pulling away from you. "Y/n.. Getting upset is no excuse to hit your girlfriend.. You need to end things with him.." He says blatantly and you shake your head. "He loves me.. I know it.."
Heeseung shakes his head at you, rubbing his temples. "He doesn't give a shit about you! As much as I know it'll hurt you, I can't just stand by and watch that fucker ruin you!" He yells and you go quiet, sobbing quietly. "Heeseung.. I love him..."
Something snaps inside him at your words. He grabs you firmly by the shoulders, leaning slightly closer to you. "And I love you..." He reveals, his own eyes glossed over. This is clearly something he's wanted to say for years now, but he didn't imagine it going this way. "Y/n.. I know you only see me as a friend.. But I care so much for you.. I can't watch the girl I love be treated that way by someone who isn't even worthy of her.."
You're still shocked at the question, but you nod regardless. "I didn't know you felt that way.." You mumble as he sighs, letting go of you. "I've like you since the day we met.. Sadly that bastard came along and stole you.."
"I'm sorry I didn't listen to you..." You apologize as Heeseung sighs. "I'm not mad at you.. You're the victim.. Promise you'll leave him?.." He asks as you nod, pinky promising him.
"Let's get you some dry clothes.."
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i hope this is good I'm not good at semi-angst fics
#enhypen#enhypen imagines#enhypen scenarios#enhypen hyung line#enhypen heeseung#heeseung soft thoughts#heeseung soft hours#lee heeseung x reader#enha heeseung#heeseung headcanons#lee heeseung#lee heesung x reader#heeseung angst#enha angst
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i'm not interested in finishing watching c2 (first 10 episodes bored me to death) and i only know c3, so what's the deal with essek? did he have a bad redemption arc? did he have a good one? do people just not like him for some reason? because i keep seeing his fans say the only reason c3 fans are saying his redemption arc sucked is to defend imogen and her mom and that seems too shallow to be the real reason.
first of all thank you for trusting in me to give a nuanced answer. ill do my best. essek is one of my favorite characters, but also so historically loved by fandom it has led to altercations and the drowning out of pretty much any other character in fandom spaces. ill try to explain. im sorry for how long this will be.
he was already deeply beloved as an npc for a long while before campaign 2 episode 97 dropped the fact that he was working with ludinus. he had taken luxon beacons (the object ludinus used to power the malleus key, what made opal & ted, what's in ashtons head) from his people in the dynasty - these objects were considered completely sacred to them, and the realization the empire had them, and the dynasty retaliating to get them, led to the war of ash and light which permeates much of c2's plot. so, functionally, essek's action led to war. essek was also at times in charge of or allowed to run interrogations on dynasty prisoners including nott/veth's husband yeza. to keep suspicion off of him, essek shifted blame onto a man in the dynasty who he had a petty grudge against, changed his memory, and set the dynasty onto him - this man was later given to the empire in a peace negotiation, so ludinus then had all control over knowledge on essek's involvement (bar the m9).
his remorse began with the m9, and how their lives had been effected by war and what the empire had done, and there is some implication that essek realized he was perhaps groomed by ludinus (and to a lesser degree made uncomfortable by his cohort trent) - though i should note essek was a (young) adult in government when he gave his people's artifacts away. essek hated the fact that his people were religious in regards to the luxon and did not wish to research it, and thought the cerberus assembly would be able to learn more about it.
essek's arc has been long praised as a very good one, and i think it mostly is. he begins very focused on just his guilt over what the m9 had to suffer because of him and how much he had pushed away how bad ludinus was, and while i cant say we really see his kindness & newly brimming empathy fully extended, he does learn to see others as more than tools. he is still smug over his peoples religion vs his knowledge of the luxon, but learns to respect his culture enough that ludinus probably would not be able to sway him from it by insulting it now. he fights at the m9's side during the last arc, defends caleb from trent & the vollstreckers, helps fix caduceus's home. he is loyal to them forever. not just a traitor any longer. i definitely see some holes in it as he doesnt show much care to anyone but the m9, it is relatively quick how he descends into self hate about his actions that hes generally comforted for, and i worry at times he sinks too much into the soft hot boy flanderization due to everyone even the cast pushing it onto him (yes, softness & being too harsh exist in his characterization and are disliked at once, i know they are opposite traits). but i think it's good when a character is still an ass after redemption and matt clearly wants to avoid him being a soft boi in c3 whilst also maintaining that he has learned humanity & love.
you can see how that would be compelling, along with his general personality and good looks. this made him so compelling that his fans got, uh.... interesting. and that is probably the base problem that sets this discourse. (be aware my experience of his fans is primarily on twitter and in chats.)
folk would get mad and call the show unwatchable without his presence as if every other character was disgusting & boring to them (as if calebs character arc is not. literally. a parralel to esseks). they only cared about shadowgast (but only cared about essek within it, not caleb) and would be furious these two deeply aloof traumatized men didnt fuck on screen after 6 episodes knowing each other, called caleb abusive for not messaging him after a few episodes, called liam (who is iirc bi) homo/biphobic and abusive to matt for not kissing essek at one point or another. when caleb & essek did bond at the end of c2 and it was said they got together for a time that was not enough for fans, who claimed it homophobic (this magically mostly disappeared when folk saw other mlm stories did and do continue to play out in cr, which they only realized when orym existed and was a gold star gay - i, as a gay man, do not care on the scale they do lol). astrid was completely slammed into the mud by essek fans for being his mirror but a woman (they magically did not hate wulf, the last mirror in this scenario, a man, as much). people were furious essek did not have merch at the point where not even many pcs did yet and said it was homophobic (this magically stopped when he eventually got a portrait and chibi). a few learned he was ace/demi and called it a cop out, or otherwise ignored any nuance of it because they were horny about wizard yaoi (im aware ace/demi folks do have sex, but sometimes folk use that as a justification for ignoring the ace spectrum part of an identity). from personal experience, essek fans can be..... very disturbing, predatory individuals with no regard for who they are deeply sexual around, but that is just who i met and i do not want to go into that experience. in short, a lot of c2 era fandom has BEEF with them. i cannot say it is unjustified.
so with all that context, where does that leave the character and why do people compare him to liliana & imogen?
it is my genuine opinion from observation a lot of fandom on here & twitter that essek/shadowgast/caleb fans can be.... sexist. it does not go unnoticed to me that imogen has an extremely similar moral arc to caleb and yet is called evil when caleb is called traumatized & struggling with demons but a good man. caleb was part of the vollstrecker (assassins for the empire) as a youth but broke, and ran, after killing his parents, and had to learn he was more than dirt, and learn to love again. imogen began easily jealous & in turmoil about herself and her mother, but has grown to be one of the most empathetic people who is constantly struggling between sacrifice and her simple wish to live with laudna, that it seems the universe wants to fight. both are aware they could be or are seen as living shit for their youth or conception and accept it. both dont really know how to find a way out of that. i think both are incredible characters. i notice when fans only acknowledge the hero's journey of one.
as for liliana & essek..... look, essek has a very defined character arc that we have seen come to fruition and end in redemption. liliana (and by extension bor'dor and other ruby vanguard folk) have not yet. essek was framed as neutral at first and liliana was framed as ludinus's ally. i get it. but it is impossible to me to not see liliana in the steps of essek at the beginning of his own arc. if anything i think her intentions (if not actions) are infinitely less selfish than esseks, as she wished to do this to save her daughter. ludinus has caught so many in his web, and essek got out, and liliana just realized she's in the webbing. whats interesting is how we see clear as day every conversation they have that liliana has been brainwashed into cult mentality & justification, and yet only had one or two conversations vaguely indicating this about essek, and yet essek is always praised as a survivor where liliana is not. bor'dor is very clearly like essek in being an oppressed young man who sees a calling made by a powerful older man, but entire breakdowns of how men of color are recruited into the far right have been written about essek where bor'dor (actual man of color) is despised by the same people. the tldr on this is i do think some folk can be so drunk on Hating Essek juice they swing too far in their assumptions, but the pattern of his fans misinterpreting everyone else to elevate him is based on precendent thats happened for years, and i think it is deeply.... disappointing? to watch such a nuanced story play out in c3 and refuse to engage with it whilst claiming anyone who wishes to analyze the way a cult breaks your brain is misandrist.
im so sorry this is so long, but i really do not know how else to describe all this without its nuance. i hope i wrote something that made sense.
#cr discourse#van speaks#long post#asks#also im always going to say give c2 a chance again but. thats me#critical role meta
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i saw your asks were open so i saw an opportunity to ask for some advice. please let me know if this question does not fit the type of questions you expect. i would love to be able to wear a mask in public to stop the spread of covid and to protect myself, but im afraid to ask my mom (im 15) if i can because she does not care much about my health or the health of others. im afraid of getting other people's blood on my hands, and im afraid of getting covid because im an asthmatic and my mom stopped paying for my insurance (thankfully im getting it back in a couple of days now thanks to my grandma. if you decide to answer this ask, thank you in advance. sorry if this seems like a lot to tell a tumblr blog.
I think you need to talk to someone else in your life about buying you masks or helping you take other precautions like air filtration, high rated filters for your home AC et al. maybe your grandma would be a good place to start. You should check out maskbloc.org too and see if there's an active group near you. They may have the resources to get you free masks.
In our fucked up society, we stress kids out like we do adults and then give them none of the relative freedom of choice able-bodied adults get with enough money. It's unfair and unkind and sensless and there's no easy way around it.
Also take some comfort in the fact that being tied to the decisions of your primary caretaker is not your fault. Parents are stupid. People are stupid. They don't think and they only want to be comfortable no matter what just in general. Admitting that they don't care about an ongoing plague is a fragile and misguided attempt to reach comfort, and that's part of why it's so hard to change their minds.
Tie that to the libertarian bs of not wanting to do things that help others on principle bestowed by capitalism, and you find yourself trapped in a bad situation as a minor. You don't have blood on your hands. If anyone does, it's our government and leaders who have mislead people like your mom into believing that sickness is health and harm is freedom.
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hythlodaeus be like "teehee I hope I can be of some use" *clean headshot* 😊
bitch they wanted you for the aether-centric governmental position I know you think your curmudgeony cunt husband is amazing but stop selling yourself short its a slippery slope to sacrificing yourself to make god smh
#final fantasy xiv#ffxiv#im glad ee3 confirmed hes downplaying his own abilities bc soooooo many people just take characters at their word in this game#im always curious as to how his esteem issues developed I dont think its as simple as 'society' bc hes pretty accomplished in the context o#said society they wanted him on the convocation! hes in charge of a whole bureau and that doesnt mean no one ever made him feel bad and we#know erichthonious got mocked though his situation is more actively extreme but the main example of something hyth cant do is transformatio#which is considered preposterous to do in front of others most of the time so it seems like it wouldn't matter too much. maybe its moreso#that he sees others as better and more deserving and is constantly comparing himself and seeing others be better at him in certain areas#started to develop those esteem issues#siren says#funny post which is a trap for my character musings anyways#hythlodaeus
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"I think this is the most inhuman; and human, that I've ever felt.."
MUCH CAN HAPPEN IN A YEAR. IN FIVE YEARS. A DECADE. imagine how much can happen in a century. just ONE (1). How will you grow? what phases do you find? even in 5 years, you will find patterns.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi suckening#jrwi suckening spoilers#jrwi the suckening#arthur bennett#HEY SO THE REALLY FUNNY THING THAT THE CHARACTER DID THAT SEEMED RLY SILLY N GOOFY IN THE MOMENT?#LIKE THE WHIPLASH BETWEEN SERIOUS N SILLY ALMOST PISSED YOU OFF? WHAT IF I FOUND A WAY TO MAKE YOU SAD ABOUT IT#this was meant to be a scribble that would be a bigger part of a bigger page.might leave it on that page.#but still. bc o that i nearly posted it onto my wacky side blog.BUT NAYY I SPENT TOO MUCH TIME N ENERGY N YOU GOTTA SEE IT#ARTHUR BENNETT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I FEEL LIKE ITS ODD FOR HIM TO BE SO TECHNOLOGICALLY OUT OF TOUCH#WHERE HAS HE BEEN. HAS HE BEEN IN WAR? IS THAT WHERE MAGNUS CAME FROM? WHERE WAS HE WHEN HE WAS WITH EDWARDS CREW?#ARTHURRR I HAVE QUESTIONS ARTTHUUURR!! HEY CAN I ALSO ASK; WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BECOME#DO YOU THINK HE HAD ANY IDEA HE WOULD VEER CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE MONSTER HE DESPISES. ALL BC HE DESERVES IT. OR WATEVER#HE FASCINATES ME SO MUCH. TO LOOK AT THE STONE COLD STOIC FOOL FROM THE START OF THE SHOW#AND TO FIND OUT THAT HE USED TO BE A BAD BOY.. A DELINQUENT... A LIL PRANKSTER.... MY GODDD THATS ADORABLE#I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW MORE.... BUT I DOUBT THE LAST EPISODE IS GONNA ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS..i love arthur bennett so much....#AS FOR THE ART!! i mostly used the fire alpaca watercolor brush. tbh im not a brush guy. anti aliased default pen tends to be my main game#but LATELY IM SQQQUIRMIN OUT OF AN ARTBLOCK so expirimenting like this is helping#DONT LOOK TOO HARD AT IT!! im still proud tho. colors are fun :3 im also very proud of the backgrounds#I LOVE THE CARTOON THING where the background looks all fancy n painted but the characters are solid colors#what else can i ramble abt. OH YEAH. i looked up the bikes to make sure they were time accurate tehehehe. 1913 to 2012.#almost a century apart!! isnt that neat? ALSO FUUUCK CAN I JUST MAKE A QUICK CONFESSION. DOWN HERE IN MY TAGS.#only the strongest can read my tags anwyay. SO I REALIZED WHY I LOVE ARTHUR SO MUCH. TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE#while arthur is a Stoic and Cool vampire w a knack for being playful/silly; who alsos been alive fora century thus witnessing HORRORs#THERE HAPPENS TO BE A ROBOT FROM A BAND W A TITANIUM ALLOY SPINAL COLLUMN#WHOS A Stoic and Cool ROBOT w a knack for being playful/silly; who alsos been alive fora century thus witnessing HORRORS#the fuckkkiiinnngggnn The Spine from steam powered giraffe. WHATEVER. i cant escape from my heart. i guess.#i think The Spine and Arthur could be friends. Arthur saw the band perform back when they were the Steam Man Band#EDIT: WOOPS I DIDNT REALIZE THIS WOULD END UP IN THE SPG TAG. HI GUYS DIDNT KNOW U WERE STILL ALIVE SORREE 4 THE CROSS CONTAMINATION
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the moment when you realize an ai would've written a better larry show than mike waldron bc an ai would've been trained on previous loki content and thus, unlike mike, would've actually watched the films
#still not over the interview where he didn't even know that loki killed laufey even tho it was a pivotal character moment for him#or how neither he nor kate seem to get that the sylki romance could be read as selfcest or incest bc they thought it was just like#miles/gwen bc they didn't realize “loki” is a name not a title#so sylki isn't like miles/an alternate spider person. it's like miles/an alternate miles.#originally posted this in the discord but im salty so its today its going here too#I genuinely think Mike Waldron is the worst writer I have ever come across. his lack of talent is truly staggering.#Not that the others like Eric Martin are much better#still wild to me that he basically copy pasted his abominable og script and changed a few names and no one cared#or that he could get away with openly messing up basic facts about the character in interviews and showing he never even watched the movies#(The point of this post is to show how abysmally poor the quality of the Larry show was. not to advocate for ai writing)#the point is. mike couldn't even clear that very low bar. the answer is not ai. the answer was hiring actually competent writers#and not making the show with the express intent to undermine loki. bc the show wasn't just bad. it was actively malicious#loki show#loki tv series#loki season 2#loki tv#loki series#loki tv show#random musings
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youtube stop recommending me that five hour long “fall of doctor who” video challenge. there is not a video i could be less interested in watching.
#the youtube clickbait hyperbole is not doing it any favors. im sure there’s nuance in the video. maybe.#god there must be its five hours long.#but i do not think i am interested in a video that wants to be about ‘the fall’ of doctor who when. far as i can tell. seems more like#occasionally it stumbles. and that’s about it.#AND thirteen being the doctor that’s on the thumbnail is also not helping. im sure im making assumptions there too and its just that she was#the current doctor at the time but. this is youtube. you have a negative video. and you put a woman on there. i am primed to believe you are#about to say something insanely sexist lmao.#anyway. whatever.#its a me thing. i dont like watching negative epic teardowns™️ of stuff im not finished with myself. and doubly so when im unfamiliar with#the creator and don’t know if they’ll just be stomping and yelling at something for hours with no purpose or if they’ve got. anything#to actually offer. idk. it’s the shovelware lover in me i think. im not interested in someone’s negative opinion about a thing unless i know#they’re the kind of person who can respect that people still had to put months or years of work into it. maybe that work did not have a#good outcome but someone had to do it. the effort is worth being documented and looked at and not. i don’t know. yelled at like you’re the#nostalgia critic you know? im rambling on to much here#this is why the only good youtube video is folding idea’s video on the american tail video game. he gets it. its about how bad art is still#worth existing and being examined. and doctor who is far from being bad. so.#………..where was i going with this. its 4 am.
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The more I think about it the more I really feel like the recently coined term mesosex might fit me and it's been shared by several intersex education/advocacy blogs I follow now so I know there's support for the term but I'm still like. Scared I would be Intruding™ on intersex issues if I started using it. Like I mean. I'm an afab & (afaik) perisex person with a reproductive disorder that's likely caused by a (non-intersex) hormone imbalance which I'm now essentially having to take feminizing HRT to fix, and as a result I'm now growing tits and undergoing female-pattern fat redistribution at the age of 25 after years of having little to no secondary sex characteristics. I've always identified with intersex issues but now that I'm essentially having to undergo HRT to make my body match my asab that connection to intersex issues feels even stronger. And like that's what the term is for. But my anxiety is still like "but what if you're intruding tho" lol 🙃
#rambling#for the curious the specific disorder is endometriosis and recent research has shown that endo is most likely linked to#estrogen dominance which is where either your body makes too much estrogen OR not enough other hormones (progesterone & testosterone)#and given that the only thing that has helped me at all has been going on full progestin-only treatments#and the fact that everything ive researched about estrogen dominance and low progesterone matches up with my symptoms#it definitely seems like low/no progesterone is the issue for me#(although the docs didnt test my levels beforehand and now i cant get them tested unless i want to go off treatments 🥲)#and like. this progestin treatment has changed my fucking life. legitimately#like it didnt just stop my (pretty severe) endo it also fixed like. all of my physical health issues. stuff i didnt even know was related#dont wanna get off topic talking about my other health issues but. going on progestin has easily been the best health thing to happen to me#but it also feels so fucking weird to be going through the same type of changes that like transfems go through on hrt essentially#as an afab perisex person. its not a bad weird but like its just a strange phenomenon and it would be nice to put words to it i guess?#like im a person who has lived the last 10+ years disabled by a reproductive disorder that prevented my body from developing 'normally'#and now im going through feminizing hrt at the age of 25 to fix my reproductive disorder#thats not exactly like. the normal perisex afab experience lol. but at the same time my specific reproductive disorder and hormone imbalance#dont classify me as intersex (no hyperandrogenism just some mix of too much estrogen/not enough progesterone or testosterone#typical anatomy (afaik) aside from the uterine abnormalities resulting from endometriosis)#and its just. such a weird position to be in. i share a lot of common ground with intersex issues but im not intersex myself#and the whole purpose of mesosex was to create a word for people who arent quite either. 'people who identify with but not as intersex'#and i think that describes me. but also like.... do i count?? 😭#tmi#request to tag
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why do counsellors think it's helpful to tell you "you shouldn't feel that way!" when you tell them something like "I am so stressed about spiders to the point where i have crying breakdowns thrice a week" or "I feel like I am somehow secretly a terrible person that needs to push everyone away to keep them safe from the rot that is inside of me"
like ... golly gee, thank you so much, that's soooo helpful, can't believe i never thought "wow! i shouldn't be feeling this way!" before, pretty crazy that you can just cure me with that one declaration!
#GIRL IF I KNEW HOW TO STOP FEELING THIS WAY I WOULD BE FINE !!! I WOULDNT BE TALKIN ABOUT IT WITH YOU#like okay yes. that is a good STARTING statement. but can u give me... something actionable perhaps. please.#instead of essentially just shaming me for my feelings hsdgjkl#i KNOW these feelings and thoughts are ''wrong'' and unhelpful and unhealthy and hurting me. but like... what do i DO with them...#''i feel like a bad person'' ''well you arent so you shouldnt feel that way :)'' ''....okay great thanks so much see you next week'' ?????#such wise words from a trained professional! /sarcasm#idk man i think that my stories and characters have been far more helpful in therapizing me than actual trained professionals ever have#these ppl do not know what to do with me it seems like#i get so frustrated every time i hear ''you're so self aware!'' bc that seems to be therapist language for ''idk what to do for you''#or ''i can't help you. you are beyond my capabilities as a trained mental health professional who went to school for years''#im TIRED. im so tired !!!#anyways im just dreading my appt later today fdjgkl i like this lady more than the last one but she hasn't been very helpful so far#starting to resign myself to the fact that maybe i am just too fucked up to be helped fdsjkl like man. im just stuck this way i guess#unless i can figure out how to fix me on my own then i think im just fucked#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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reading posts that come across my dash and sitting for a minute to debate with my mental disorder if not reblogging this will mean a hell portal will open beneath my feet and i will suffer for eternity for my lack of action or if its all good and i can just scroll on by (its usually the hell portal thing)
#⚠️#personal#having ocd makes making moral decisions so fucking hard for no reason#cause ill see a post thats like info or seems important and like i can tell its that kind of post just by skimming it st first and somethin#clicks in my brain that just tells me if i dont share that post everyone will know and think im a horrible person#regardless of what the actual post is about#i need like a handbook on how to make proper moral decisions#cause like yeah i do care about things i try to share stuff about things i care about and believe are important but sometimes i dont have#the energy to read long as posts and my brain twists it to make it out that people will know and i am the bad guy#idk my ocds telling me even saying this makes me a bad person#the fact i even struggle with this#sometimes i think im not built for social media but really i think social medias not built for people like me#maybe i should get help for my ocd but the idea of describing all the shit going on in my brain to someone just makes me feel scared#cause like i dont know when to draw the line at making something a problem i should actively have a hand in helping#how much is too much when do i stop#<- in regards to my own mental health like the mental exhaustion that can come from it i hope this makes sense#like some things you gotta invest like emotional shit into and like sometimes im just tired and i come on here and im faced with one of#those posts and i just have to debate with myself what the fuck im supposed to do#this is more a me issue than anything i need to sort this shit out with some mental health professional or something#cause like i dont want to have people think i dont care about these things i do and ik pressing reblog takes like no energy but idk man#im not even sure if some of the shit i reblog is cause i care or is just an ocd compulsion#i feel like most times its both#i cant help but think im the problem here i want to be on social media its just so draining having my mind repeatedly hound me for not like#showing enough care (reblogging more posts) about a certain issue online#idk im so tired of it all im so tired of my mind i wish i didnt have ocd#vent#so funny right after i posted this i scrolled down and one of these posts was rigjt beneath it and the debate happens all over again#lord i need to get out of here
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am i so hard to care about?
#i need to vent and i know u guys cant stand me because i can feel it (and certainly from the anon hate) but i think im gonna have an ulcer#if i dont put this out somewhere#SH s*icide tw !!!!!#i need some advice or opinions because i feel like im losing it#i dont understand why my friends cant care about me#i know !!! i know i seem out of touch and insane because i say this so often and the question to someone reading would come natural: maybe#it is just ur perception…. maybe u suck ass as a friend too#and i do ponder about that!!!!!! i take those possibilities into consideration i do. and i genuinely dont think i suck as a friend. i always#check in. if they seem off i ask how they feel. i ask updates on their stuff. i dont think i deserve this tbh#but especially when i am struggling they just disappear#like even when i reach out and let them know im doing bad. they clearly read my measages and choose to ignore them#these are supposed to be my best friends#these days ive been so bad. and trigger warning again#i just feel so suicidal and i have been hurting myself in the desperate attempt to cope and manage these thoughts#and i dont tell them these things#i dont share the details because 1) it is too much to dump on someone and 2) they dont show any interest even on the surface level of my#problems so i just wouldnt tell them the deeper issues#i am just in so much pain. and i also feel a lot of anger because of their behavior. i feel so so hurt by it. so many years of this going on#of them just not even acknowledging my struggles while i was in the midst of them and trying still to support them and be there for e#whatever they had going on. and getting nothing in return#i hate that i feel so angry but i do. and ive been swallowing this anger and pain for so long i feel it eating my insides#even my therapist doesnt understand why i am friends with people that dont care about me#i dont know what i should do#i want to say something#actually i already talked about this to one of them one year ago exactly and i told her all these things and she just said she didnt know#why i was ignored. and then still kept being a part of it#the thing is i am so upset and my mental health is so so so bad. i am supposed to spend new years eve with them in two days but i dont know#how i can do that feeling like this#but if i speak to them about it i think it will also ruin the mood#if someone has any thoughts or advice it would be very welcome….
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So that's... the power of Luocha e1... I get it now. I am now a lil less salty from losing my 75/25.
#aria rants#was doing the new world 9 of su without geppie (very nervously too cuz im not used to not having a shielder)#but am like. well i have luocha e2 so maaaaaybe itll be fine? still nervous cuz the last boss of world 9 is the smth unto death#and i just KNOW im gonna have a hard time with that thing. well... turns out i didnt... luocha e1 is so good actually#i had ratio. himeko. bronya (oh yea and her lc i got FROM THE 75/25 LOST. i think that contributed too actually). and luocha#my ratio is decently built but still weaker than my argenti thats so far my strongest in su (esp g&g with the erudition path)#took elation path. got to the last boss with pretty okay blessings. it didnt stand a chance... it didnt actually get much of a turn...#first time i got to do that with an su boss ngl! i never got to kill em fast enough but i managed now! yippee!!! maybe losing that#75/25 wasnt so bad after all. my bronya is stronger with her buffs (i dont... i dont have any other buffer than her...) and my#luocha can finally give buffs AND shield! my team is looking pretty good. (yea since my luck is bad i couldnt get ruan mei and sparkle)#i think ratio's banner was during ruan mei's banner? and i had to get his lc (i needed him to be strong for imaginary dps)#and i couldnt try for sparkle much cuz i was planning on going for aven (which as you can see. my plans went terribly with luocha rerun)#im still gonna try for aven cuz i need another shielder than geppie and aven's kit seems to be the right fit for my ratio#back to the saving board...... hsr rng i hate you but also i cant hate you enough cuz tbf my team DID get stronger a bit...
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90s run PAD has this rlly annoying trend where he very often write a female character being in love w miguel and suddenly her entire character shrinks down to the scope of what drama this provokes and it's near continually in service to the narratives of men (Gabriel and Miguel interpersonal drama for example). even when there are actually interesting things to be mined from this angle like w lyla its like. this is a pattern w you dude.
#my GOD we lost kasey nash in the wars skdfhjkdshfkjs#like. it sucked. the fact she goes from a revolutionary to primarily a wedge between gabri and miguel SUCKS.#for some reason its like folks pretend PAD also literally wasnt writing the kronom arc where character assasination is happening#left and right to prop up dana as a martry. when like he was literally just writing that.#like im sorry i love the 90s run too and i have a lot of sympathy for the strain the team wouldve been under while corp bullshit was#exploding above their heads but like. the fact PAD appears to like. just not be fucking bothered to explain what#danas thought processes are flipping from one belief to a wildly opposing one is just bad and tbh LAZY writing#and this is happening dozens of issues before the worst irl circumstances for the team even cropped up#tunes talks critical#can u tell im on my period lmao#tunes talks 2099#like even regarding xina. i think she escapes the worst of this writing treatment from PAD but like. the fact that the dimension PRIMARILY#explored in the text w her is around her relationship w miguel is honestly really disappointing. i LIKE that dimension yes but there is so#much more to explore with her! does she have friends outside of miguel (and if not does this tie into her apparent isolation from alchemax)#how does xina operate as a relatively independant and implied self employed individual in this world of corp monopolies#she CARES about the truth and fighting back against false narratives spun to consolidate power and profit so how does this extend into her#normal life? does she know about downtown when education wise this seems to be something utterly ommitted? what does she think about it?#what kind of hope did she hold regarding angela's work?#if she believes miguel to still work at alchemax why is this not a point of conflict between them? does she fear losing him? did she give#up trying? etc etc etc there are SO many compelling dimensions to explore w her and the text keeps them#largely sublimated to background details in the art. or what we can interpret as sublimated conflicts the characters dont want to address#but in terms of what is in the TEXT i want more. i want more as someone who really loves this fucking thing lmao
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Fuck not again
#peach vents kinda#please dont reblog#upcoming vent in the tags#so anxiety is rising again because well like i said todya i stumbled across some information#that information was about a discourse#i got more information on what happened and i lowkey hate how it reminded me of how my ex gf and ex friend were#i think i got a grasp on what happened but also im just socked more than anything#and now im dealing with a bit of an art block#and well#more like some 'performance' anxiety#i keep seeing everyone else have better looking and more interesting looking tadc insert designs and mine#mine feels basic#it feels#like im just lazy#it makes me feel bad#especially because it makes me feel left out too#and i dont know how to handle it#i dont know if i should scrap everything and start over or just#drop it all#part of me is tempted to just drop it all together cause part of me is going whats the point#that part of me is telling me no one would care anyways#i dont know#im just#i hate this i hate feeling like this#i hate feeling inadequate#like everyone else is leagues ahead of me#im trying my best here#i try to interact as much as possible#i try to seem as inviting as i psosibly can#i dont know it sucks this all sucks and i hate it
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i do think being unconditionally loved is an experience that can be so so healing actually. it cant ever fix anything alone but to feel loved and valued and considered is something that makes carrying burdens just that little bit easier. to trust that youre someone they think about when youre not around, because they tell you. to feel like youre someone important to them because they tell you. to feel safe in knowing youre not being too intense, too annoying, too much, because everything you offer is offered right back without a seconds hesitation. this isnt something i ever thought id get to have, but i found it when i wasnt even looking. and no, it still isnt easy. it doesn't change most things. but it gives you a reason to try.
#not to get sappy or anything#nyxtalks#feelings warning ahead#i don't know i guess im all up in my feelings but. just knowing someone thinks about me when im not around has been kinda life changing#it seems so silly. to put so much weight on just 'hey youre not here but i wanted to tell you this'#but i genuinely mean it when i say that i didnt think id ever have it. that i thought it was asking too much to expect people to remember#i exist when im not actively forcing my presence on them. but she makes it feel like the easiest thing in the world to do#and it makes me want to believe that i deserve that because shes one of the most wonderful people ive ever had the pleasure of knowing#and if /she/ can see that in /me/ then who am i to tell her shes wrong?#i do still worry about so much. i do still think horrible things about myself. those things dont just go away#just because of a little consideration. but i want to see the person she sees. i want to be worthy of the love she shows me#i wish i could tell the person sobbing on their bathroom floor in January about how she doesnt stop. how she manages to be everything#you could possibly want without ever even asking.#i dont want to misrepresent how hard it still is. its not changed. but i think i value myself just a fraction more now#talking to her has also helped my understand myself a lot. introspect on so many things#maybe its not the healthiest take to want to be doing better for somebody elses sake but.#is wanting to do her proud really so bad?
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