#i just think that like. personally as someone who is alloromantic but not necessarily super OBVIOUS about feeling romantic attraction
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“Funny fact about Ashido from BNHA Ultra Analysis Book:
‘She’s never had a crush on anyone, but wishes she can be in love’
(I didn’t know if the tweet would show)
I’ve been thinking: People think Ashido is aromatic or ace or somewhere else on the aro/ace spectrum. from this line in the book.
Personally, I don’t really understand how this specific line would lead someone to think she’s canonically ace, although aro I do understand (and agree with).
Others were saying “wishing to be in love” probably means she isn’t aro or ace.
I think it’s partially due to the fact some of them came off rude that I couldn’t stop thinking of one thing:
can’t wishing to be in love mean different things to different people
Wishing to be in love mignt mean a relationship,or longing for someone else, in the typical, romantic, sense
Or couldn’t “wishing to be in love” mean wishing you could experience love, feel that high that everyone else seems to experience?
Or even just having the emotional closeness of love without having to feel for that other person romantically (QPP’s exist obviously, but it’s not super commonly talked about).
I’m not on the aro/ace spectrum, but I don’t think you necessarily have to be able to experience romantic love to want to feel it? To know what it’s like? To feel the happiness that comes with it?
Plus, society and media puts a lot of meaning and importance on romantic relationships, even in media with LGBTQ+ people. A lot of media with LGBTQ+ people has important, romantic relationships. And fans of media often focus on love and romance.
Obviously, in the MHA universe, there’s less emphasis on it, mainly because the main cast is focused on becoming heroes. Much cooler than high school romance, but I digress. However, the hero costumes and personas with some of the main hero females do get…suggestive..? Ex: Midnight, mount lady.
So that’s not fair to say that the sexual culture of society is excluded from applying to heroes. So why would the romantic culture of society also be excluded from applying to heroes? So regardless, romance would have a large cultural influence. Even in hero culture.
Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it would make someone who hasn’t had a crush at all (in this situation Ashido) wonder what it would be like, or feel this thing that’s the ‘center’, so integral, of so many people’s lives.
It doesn’t really matter in the end, but I just couldn’t stop thinking.
People on the aro/ace spectrum, what’s your opinion? Does it make sense for her to be on the aro/ace spectrum? Is “wishing to be in love” as a term exclusive and relatable only to alloromantic people?
#why did I write a paragraph only#mha#ashido mina#mina ashido#bnha#my hero acadamia#boku no hero#lgbtq#aromanticism#asexual#my hero#mina mha#Ashido mha
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Umm so. I read your new pinned post, and I hadn't looked that deeply into you as a person before.
You mentioned being greyromantic. I had never heard that term before. I did some googling to try and figure out what it meant (I've got the idea now). And something about the definition kinda clicked with me.
If you are comfortable answering, then I was wondering how you /knew/ you were greyromantic. It's okay if you don't want to share, I'm just trying to figure myself out a bit.
hi! i'm super glad to receive this ask so no worries at all!
I actually only like just decided on this label so I'm not even totally sure if it will stick, but I will explain my reasoning the best I can. From what I understand, greyromantic means that you experience romantic attraction very rarely and/or in small amounts. I think this tracks with what I've experienced, because while I certainly don't have an alloromantic experience, I also don't feel like I can confidently say I've never felt romantic attraction ever at all. There have been some people who I have felt some kind of attraction to. It's hard to describe exactly what it is? I'd say like a kind of infatuation with them as a person— wanting to be around them and cuddle/hug. Thinking they're pretty or otherwise nice looking. Wanting to like...look at them and hold them and be with them.
This happens rarely but I can't ignore the fact that it has happened. It's also hard for me to separate wanting to achieve societal normalcy with experiencing attraction that's intrinsic to myself. The one time I dated someone, I convinced myself I wanted to because I liked him, but later I realized it was because I wanted to feel wanted and normal in society (I grew up in an extremely heteronormative environment and the possibility of being queer didn't occur to me until college).
Romantic attraction has been harder for me to figure out than sexuality. I knew I was ace pretty much as soon as I learned about the concept and was able to parse through internalized queerphobia enough to accept that this was me. What made it easier, I think, is that sex is a definable physical act. It was easier to conclude that yes, I have definitely never felt a bodily urge to do that with someone. But since romance seems to encompass more things that tend to be more emotional than physical, it's harder for me to tell.
So I am using this label for now because it fits with how I understand myself and romance right now. But it's not something where I had an experience of being like "oh, I know that I am greyromantic now". I don't know if I will ever reach a point like that with romance in the same way I did with sexuality. However, I also encourage myself and others to be okay with that uncertainty. Labels can be tried on and borrowed. They are just names we made up to help us understand and describe ourselves— so if there isn't one that fits you perfectly, that's okay, and you don't necessarily ever need to "know" what your orientation is according to the names we've made for various experiences. Studying queer history has helped me a lot in this regard. Because people understood orientations in different ways and called things by different names throughout history, it helps me understand that it's okay if none of the words we have right now seem to stick.
I know that this is not always helpful to hear, and you were probably looking for a response that would give you clear parameters for determining your identity. But I've found that it doesn't work like that unfortunately. I nonetheless wish you luck on your identity journey, and I send solidarity as a fellow member of the aro spectrum <3
#ask answered#i am always glad to share about my experiences because access to this information is what would have helped younger me#there are some more intimate things that i don't think i'd be comfy sharing but i'm certaintly able to discuss like#the experience of being queer without getting out of my comfort zone#genuinely wishing you the best anon
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Solomon Headcanons
I didn’t like my old headcanons for him and I think I have a slightly better feel for him so I’m posting these bad boys. Maybe at this rate I’ll just post Solomon HCs every month
Also this turned into more of a “I’m going to talk about Solomon in depth and maybe throw in one headcanon about kissing him” and is no longer “lol what kind of dates do you go on? <3″ so uh. do with that what you will. It’s also SUPER LONG (or feels that way) so make sure you have a hot second to read them
you can find my for real headcanons for him here but I don’t necessarily stand by them anymore? They’re just there for fun now lol
Solomon’s Relationship With Relationships
Solomon has been alive for...a long time, and with that naturally comes a lot of experiences, negative and positive. It’s also natural that it would also have him break out of traditional structures regarding...everything, but especially things regarding relationships and specific other people.
(Not to get sociological or philosophical about society or whatever, but the way we view everything is accented heavily by the end. With exceptions, and this certainly varies from culture to culture, but as a general idea, we view things expecting them to take place over the span of 70-100 years. Certain positions in politics or business or something try to look at things generationally, but how capable of that are we and how far ahead can we truly see?)
(What I mean to say is that immortality naturally shifts the entire context in which you would view things that were expected to be “lifelong.” What once existed to enrich a life is now a tether to a system that doesn’t necessarily suit his existence.)
Psychologically, however.....I don’t think Solomon has tried to (or even can) rewire himself entirely to the point where he doesn’t feel love. He’s already got a fondness for Simeon and Luke (always crying about him calling them “dear friends” in the circus event i don’t know if he says anything in the lessons because i’m only on like 21 LOL) so he’s clearly capable of fondness and affection.
Not that those should equate exactly to romantic feelings (because they shouldn’t), but there’s undeniable similarities between platonic and romantic affection and, for the purposes of speculating about an immortal’s capability to still feel both, I think they can be equated in this regard.
There are a lot of assumptions I’m making about him to make this post, namely the following: that there is still reconciling to be done internally between his immortality and humanity, that Solomon’s composed and confident nature is a bit of a front (only a bit - I’ll explain more later), and, related to these two, that he even cares about humanity and that he still wants to preserve his humanity.
While this might be my perspective as a regular human, I really don’t believe that the desire to be human and fully encompass what that means has left. If anything, I think his intrinsic desire for knowledge and power stems from it, and he’s just suppressed the “mushier” emotional parts of that as a sort of....defense mechanism, if you will.
SO the tl;dr of this is that you know how alloromantic people just like feel in love and they get their romantic crushes and it’s natural and they can’t control it? Solomon gets that! He just isn’t the type to swoon over someone or really make it known.
He also as a person is big on being manipulative shady and in control, so if he were to just be super obvious about having a crush on someone and not being able to do anything about it, that would sort of tarnish his whole image.
So yeah, I think Solomon just has his emotions on a tight leash when they probe to be out of control. Clearly, he doesn’t have every part of him under this sort of watchful eye (whether that’s because he still wants to feel genuine happiness or he knows if he came across as emotionless and calculated people would trust him even less, I haven’t decided), but those that cause trouble stay behind locked doors.
Additionally, I don’t think Solomon is opposed to falling in love. I’d bet he’s had lots of different partners over the years and remembers them fondly (you know, assuming they ended well)
I also think his immortal status makes dating different? I feel like doesn’t really date to find a life partner because. well. (gestures).
That’s not to say that he doesn’t date casually sometimes or something. In the terms of a serious romantic partnership, though, it’s rare that it happens because he knows that it’ll die with them (and stay within him for probably forever, even if/when there comes a day he can no longer remember their name or their face).
Another assumption I’m making that I forgot to mention: I think it’s rare that Solomon’s serious, long-term partners know the true extent of the magic he dabbles in. Maybe he lets them know it’s real magic, or he pretends it’s all show magic and parlor tricks. Sometimes he pretends his pact marks are tattoos, sometimes he tells the truth. If ever these confessions are laughed off, he laughs them off too and creates a cover story.
He doesn’t intend to lie, but it’s very difficult to meet someone and explain........all of THAT. On which date to you mention that you can control 72 demons? Do you send a card explaining how you’ve been alive since Biblical times and you’re not even sure if you birthday is your real birthday anymore, let alone how old you are? And should that card be store bought or homemade?
So while it’s rare for Solomon to have a serious romantic partnership, it’s even more rare for him to be entirely understood or accepted for EVERYTHING that he is because he can’t get into it. Arguably, that hasn’t happened since his “death” in his original timeline.
A crush for Solomon isn’t a hopeless affair, either. Should you choose someone else, he’ll allow himself the disappointment and move on.
With Solomon, romantic love sparks naturally, but genuine true love isn’t some all-powerful, unstoppable force. He falls more in line with the people who believe it’s a choice and a decision, somewhere between “it’s purely a biological impulse we just gave a fancy name” and “it’s the magic that makes life more enjoyable”
With MC
In the case of MC, however, I think he might initially see it as bothersome or a hinderance to whatever his plan is with being down there for the exchange program. Maybe he convinces himself he’s just naturally attracted to you because you’re human like him. Once he comes to terms with his feelings and gets to know MC a bit more, he might even see it as a lost cause seeing as you already have several of the brothers vying for your affections.
For Solomon to act on a crush that he’s already decided is hopeless, it’ll be up to the MC to show that THEY are interested in HIM
He finds no particular pleasure in being someone who is chased after or “playing hard to get,” but he already has a complicated relationship with complicated relationships. He’s gonna need a down payment of affection a sign that there’s anything even there to pursue
Traditional flirting, while he’ll have his fun with it (and probably enjoy it at least a little - who doesn’t like feeling desirable?), doesn’t really work for him. Lots of people and creatures have used it to try and charm him, plus he has a pact with Asmo, so at this point he really sees it as more casual fun then an indication of true interest.
Honestly, to get him to realize “oh shit I actually have a chance,” you’re going to have to do two main things: 1) make him feel chosen over the others, and 2) respond to his displays of affection
Making Him Feel Chosen
This isn’t really a competition thing, or some selfish hoarding of your time. The thing is, Solomon knows he isn’t the only one in the running and he knows that anything he has to offer, somebody else could give you a portion of it.
(You won’t get the same experience or combination of traits with somebody else obvi, but with 11 suitors and an added chihuahua, there tends to be a little bit of overlap with everyone)
A crush for Solomon is a romantic interest, but if he intends on pursuing a serious relationship (which, I feel, is what he intends to be the final goal of his crushes as opposed to more casual affairs), he needs to see SOME reciprocation
Being with him is an ordeal, maybe a lifelong one for you, so he needs that assurance that it’ll be worth it and there aren’t better avenues
Basically, this means that ✨ quality time ✨ is of the utmost importance
At first, it doesn’t have to be anything big. Sit with him at lunch when you see him in the cafeteria, meet him in the library while you wait for your demon escort to be finished with their extracurriculars, chat him up in the one class you have together (and then ask him to help you study what you missed in class by talking. it’s a required transfer class but you already know everything about it, right, Solomon? 🥺)
As your relationship progresses, that’s when things start to get harder. Invite him out to things that you think he’ll enjoy, and say yes to as many excursions with him as you can. Bonus points for making it clear that you want to go when you’re unable to attend.
(He finds himself a little embarrassed how happy it makes him when instead of just a “no” or a “sorry, not today” he gets something like “I’m on dinner duty so I have to spend that time preparing :( but we should definitely make a date so you can tell me about it later!” It makes him feel like a priority.)
It isn’t until you find yourself comfortable enough to ask him to accompany you to something you want to do that he starts to realize you’re hanging out with him for him and not because he’s just offering up a bunch of fun new experiences for you to try.
You don’t even have to say “hey, i’m pretty sure you know all about the birds in the Devildom aviary but I haven’t had a chance to go and would really like to spend the day with you. Wanna come with?” If it’s something that he knows you know isn’t in his wheelhouse, he’ll be able to figure out that OH.....you’re inviting him for HIM.....oh
Make him feel like a priority, like he’s the one that you want, even out of all your choices. You can be as enthralled by the birds in that aviary as you want, just as long as you make it clear that your enthusiasm to be with him is on the same level and he’ll finally kick himself into gear.
Responding to His Affections
Now, you don’t have to do anything you don’t like. I hear in his dame card devilgram he’s a consent king, and he stands by that every day of the week
He also isn’t the type to need an exact equal to everything he does. Yes a relationship is a two way street, but this isn’t saying that if he gets you a gift you need to present him something with equal or greater value within the next 24 hours. he’s not mammon haha i’m so FUNNY
Just...let him know that he’s doing things right. His serious relationships are few and far between and people change as often as the times do, so make sure that he knows what he’s doing is landing. He’s not insecure per se, but he would like to know that he isn’t making a fool of himself entirely, you know?
Don’t brush him off in front of the brothers or he’ll think he’s read the situation all wrong and you’re back to square one. If you do it because you don’t like touching and he put an arm around your shoulder or something, that’s fine, but if he thinks you’re uncomfortable being with him in front of the brothers he’ll wonder if you even liked him at all.
To him, a secret relationship isn’t really feasible. First of all, those brothers are ALWAYS in your business so bold of you to think you’ll have ANY secrets by the time the exchange program is done, and secondly, don’t you both have enough on your plate that you shouldn’t make something that makes you happy needlessly complicated?
He is an odd case and knows there’s a lot that comes with him, so if you’re uncomfortable simply showing that you’re in a relationship and reciprocating, he’ll think you aren’t equipped to handle.....All That.
In case you haven’t noticed, he’s weird. He’s a weirdo. He doesn’t fit in. And he doesn’t want to fit in. Have you ever seen him without that stupid cape on? That's weird.
If you respond to his affections in a similar way, such as putting you arm around his waist or a hand on his back when he puts an arm around your shoulder or reaching up to fix his hair when he reaches to mess with yours, it’ll make him happy for sure. He doesn’t have any specific expectations for you but he’ll like to feel like you’re on the same wavelength.
A lot of his affections are morphed into specific and targeted teasing (but not like *gently bullies u* teasing). It’s a lot of inside jokes at your expense (and the more inside jokes he has, the more he probably likes you)
It’s also a lot of messing up your hair, sharp pokes and frustrating games like “guess what?” “i don’t know, what?” “i told you to guess, MC.” “ugh...you won the lottery” “guess better” “please don’t do this to me Solomon”
He probably responds best to Acts of Service and Quality Time (though at any stage in the relationship he’s a flexible man). While he’s trying to woo you to solidify his spot in first place against everyone else, if you continue to make the effort to be around him or like. recognize he’s taking time out of his day to romance you and do something for him in return he’ll cement the fact that oh yeah, this is happening between the two of you
(not to say that romancing you is a chore, because it’s not, but man if it doesn’t make him happy that you’re wanting to make his life easier on him so he can pursue the other things he enjoys, too.)
What a Relationship with Solomon is Like
He isn’t the biggest person on PDA, or at least not on purpose. He won’t see you and immediately be like ‘oh there they are i need to kiss them kiss kiss kiss’ or whatever, but he’s not averse to it?
He doesn’t want physical affection to be a big deal, or at least not in public. unless that’s what you’re into ;) If the two of you are out and about and you kiss his hand, or you’re a generally physically affectionate person he’ll smile and respond and be generally unbothered by it, but don’t expect him to ever really have the desire to like make out in public or something. Really, you probably won’t get much more than a quick kiss because he DOES always have other things on his mind.
You will NOT be able to get out of him messing with you. If you need him to tone it down that’s fine, but the more you let him get away with, the less energy he’ll have to redirect into other troublemaking activities
Has a weird thing with licking too probably? like he’s not gross about it and it’s not like a NSFW fixation but he’ll do that mom thing where he licks his thumb because “you’ve got something on your cheek” and then reveal that he’s a LIAR
or he’ll put his face really close to yours and stick his tongue out when you turn your head so it hits your cheek
it just gets such a DRAMATIC reaction out of you so that’s why he does it? if you ask him genuinely to stop he will but if you comment on it he’ll just give you a small smile and not say anything then continue to do it
when he messes with you, it’s ok if you say he’s doing something weird but don’t make him feel childish. setting boundaries (and making regular observations - he is kinda weird) is more than alright but admonishing him just feels......off and will turn him sour for a bit
VERY appreciative of someone who supports his adventurous side. Also fond of someone who’s happy to tag along but knows that some things he has to do on his own.
Even if you don’t want to go, he’ll appreciate the support or the interest you show in what he does. Ask him where he’s going and what he’s doing there, but ask him because you’re interested and not because you’re overly worried.
Please be there for him when he gets back to talk about it. He really likes feeling important or cool when he tells his tales, even if all he did was go and catch a few magic salamanders or something.
PLEASE be a soundboard for all of his ideas. He knows that sometimes he’ll talk about things that are way over your head that he hasn’t learned yet, but he really does want your undivided attention. It doesn’t matter if you’re encouraging him, debating with him, telling him the idea is stupid (though don’t pull this one too often unless you intend to ask to be let in to the fun) or just watching in confusion. It’s important to him that you value what he has to say, and he hopes one day that he’ll be able to tell you anything and you’ll have a response to it all. (Even if you don’t learn magic to the degree he knows it, he hopes you’ll get to a point where you understand what he wants, even if you don’t know what magical elements he’s talking about or something.)
A relationship with Solomon is one where you’re both independent, but also can’t imagine not going to the other at the end of the day. It’s startling how quickly you become constant in the other’s life despite being in COMPLETELY different stages of magical development and learning about the demon world.
The relationship will be lots of fun, but there will be many serious moments, too.
They’ll happen randomly. Maybe something from a class or a spell reminds him of something from his past, or maybe he’s reminded that he can’t remember so many things that he knows were important to him.
Sometimes, his Tuesday night blues will feel like a life-changing existential crises for you, but please, do what you can to be there for him in these moments. It worries him how much love and happiness he’s lost, especially when he knows he promised to remember it.
Once you get him to think aloud, he’ll say super heavy stuff life “What if I’ve forgotten who I really am and now I’m just something other people and magic have morphed me into?” or “When will the human race evolve or go extinct and leave me behind?” and it fucks you up, really. It fucks him up too
But please be patient with him, because there’s something important he has to get off his chest eventually. He’s worried already that he’ll forget you the way he’s probably forgotten so many others, but he doesn’t want to offend you and know that saying it would come off as uncaring.
You won’t have an answer for these moments, and he knows it. It’ll be best if you just hold him tight, stroke his hair if you’re laying down, and reassure him that you don’t care.
With how long he’s been alive, you’ll have to get past caring if you’re his “one true love” because he doesn’t have that. He gave up the right to having a one true love in exchange for never-ending life. But he still loves and he does love deeply, it just has a lot to cut through to properly be articulated.
So tell him. Tell him you know he’s had other loves, that you know you might not even be the best partner suited to him that he’s had. Tell him that you know when your time has come, he’ll find someone else eventually.
Tell him that what matters to you is that he loves you now, that he’s making things work with you now, and that he isn’t secretly yearning for some lover that’s come to pass or yet to come when he’s with you.
You can’t control what happened in the past or what happens in the future, but right now he’s yours and you’re his and he needs to learn to take things one lifetime at a time. Right now is YOUR Solomon time, and what happens after is just a consequence of time and you’ve already forgiven him for it.
instead of “mom says it’s my turn on the xbox” it’s “god says it’s MY turn on the Solomon”
send that to him for real and he’ll probably never forget you lol
How to Make a Relationship with Solomon Work
With all this in mind, the key to a good relationship with Solomon is keeping his head on his shoulders.
He’s ambitious, powerful, scary smart, and capable of so much more than you can even guess and he knows it. It’ll be good for him to have somebody to keep him on the ground.
Now, don’t be overbearing. If you try to stop him from going places or try to hinder his pursuit of knowledge out of fear for his safety, that’ll cause unbelievable strain on him. You will have to learn to let him work his things out the way he wants to, and it won’t always be the safest or most responsible way either.
He doesn’t mind a gentle scolding if he gets hurt. He won’t say it, but he kinda likes to be reminded how important he is to you.
Also be down to have fun and be a little reckless. Your safety will always be a priority to him, but nobody ever got anywhere without a little struggle, right? Sometimes adventuring with him and following him into the darkest magical corners of the world will require multiple (sometime literal) leaps of faith, but he’ll always be there to catch you.
Let Solomon work for you and the relationship, and you work to keep him sane and remind him that he can belong somewhere, even when he’s been himself for who knows how long and nowhere ever really stays the same.
You’ll always have to remind Solomon that not everything revolves around magic and power. He’s not been mortal for some time, so he gets caught up in the heady and lofty topics and ideas.
Remind him about the simple joys of just having fun and goofing off, that not every moment not spent on homework has to be spent on potions. Remind him (in the human world) how cool a sunset is, or convince him to go through a museum and pretend he’s seeing everything for the first time.
As much as he lives for understanding the grand topics most people can only dream of beginning to grasp, remind him of the little things. Remind him of human indulgences that he’s abandoned. Get him back in touch with that part of himself.
Solomon as a character feels like he’d be really aloof, but he’s honestly extremely devoted to what he invests his time in. He shows this devotion in small ways that feel more like riddles sometimes, in the way he always comes back after a rather dangerous magical excursion, in the way he shortens his time away so he can get back to you, in the way he learns to quiet his mind so he can properly take care of you and what you need and strengthen your relationship.
One thing that I think is a hallmark of a relationship with him is that Solomon loves things that can teach him more about what he doesn’t know. You don’t need to be the smartest person on the planet, or have a specialized and thorough education in some bizarre topic, or come from somewhere entirely different than what he knows to keep his interest.
You are uniquely human, and you help teach him about himself, the one thing that he can never seem to properly grasp and understand the way he wants to.
More importantly, you are you, the one who made pacts with all seven demon lords, the one captured his heart and promised to take care of it when you could throw it away for anybody else.
And you are the only one who could say those words that he believes. Hopefully, you’ll believe him when he says them, too.
#i feel like i was toeing a line that might have like. disrespected aromanticism and if i did i am so sorry#i just think that like. personally as someone who is alloromantic but not necessarily super OBVIOUS about feeling romantic attraction#there is a line between just being casually romantic or something and aromantic like#yeah i wanna marry my best friend but i still wanna MARRY them you know#marriage being taken here in a romantic context and not just a social institution#i don't know. maybe i just want him to be romantic so i can be romantically involved with him and i'm digging too deep with it#tldr aromantic rights!!!#obey me#obey me shall we date#swd obey me#obey me swd#solomon#obey me solomon#solomon hcs#mine#solomon fluff#?#long post
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I'm kind of confused rn, and I thought this might be the right place to ask? Just ignore this otherwise, that's totally fine!
To me, both romance and sex has always been something fictional. Not that it's not real, but I only enjoy the idea of it if it's between to fictional characters. Like in a fanfic, for example.
Thinking about it in a real-world sense has always made me super uncomfortable, talking or hearing someone talk about it is even worse.
Does this make me asexual or aromantic? I'm just so unsure bc I have been interested in people before, but never in the obsessive way most people describe crushes, and those interests have been less and less over time.
Again, I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable with this personal ask but I saw this blog and thought some ppl with more aroace experience might be able to help me out?
Thanks for your time!
So especially for people who are questioning, I really like the definition for asexual and aromantic as someone who doesn't experience that full range of sexual or romantic orientation. So basically someone who is not experiencing everything an allosexual person and alloromantic person is expected to experience. And then if they find the label useful or find they relate at all to other aces/aros or the community.
A lot of people tend to look at asexuality and aromanticism as not sexual/not romantic. And that's not necessarily true. Some aren't at all, but some can be very sexual or romantic or anything in between.
So don't feel like just because you're romantic or sexual in some ways it means you can't be ace/aro or can't use those labels. Instead it's a lot more helpful to ask if those labels are useful for you, if you feel like you have a lot in common with the ace/aro people or the community. Another really useful question can be do you feel like alloromantic and allosexual don't fit, or do you feel like you don't have relate to alloromantic and allosexual experiences. And that can give some clarity too.
Are you allowed to ID as ace/aro? Absolutely, I know people who do ID that way on a similar basis. But also you never need anyone's permission to ID as ace or aro. So the question becomes do you think those labels would be useful for you, do you think it would help you? etc, etc.
Another label you may find useful is aegosexual/aegoromantic (also sometimes known as autochorisromantic autochorissexual). Which means someone who experiences a disconnect between themselves and what they find romantic/sexual. Basically having things they find romantic/sexual but not wanting to be a participant themselves. And it's common for aego people to prefer to indulge their sexual/romantic side through fiction, fantasy, etc. Even if this describes you, you don't have to use those labels, but if you do like them or connect to them you can. And they're both considered ace/aro spectrum labels.
Another thing that may be useful for you is just reading up on ace/aro experiences. And you can do this anywhere aces and aros are talking about their experiences, it can even be here on tumblr, especially following ace and aro themed blogs. If you're not sure where to look, Arocalypse is a great resources for questioning aros too, and it's just a giant forum with useful faqs too. Carnival of Aces and Carnival or Aros are also really nice resources, and that's just a monthly event where aces and aros are invited to blog about a specific topic and you can wander through their archives and see if anything's interesting. But most social media sites have ace/aro spaces, I'd definitely recommend sites with community spaces rather than open tags though, just to avoid trolls. Following
But yeah definitely the big question is do you find these labels useful for you. And this isn't a question you need to have an answer for right away. While some people have a moment where things just click together, for a lot of people figuring out identity is a slow process and takes some time to adjust to.
And don't worry, questions like these are exactly what this blog is for. Feel free to ask if you have any more questions.
All the best, Anon!
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Queer platonic relationships as an Aromantic Grey-Ace person:
Everytime I see a "aromantic people can't be in relationships!" post, I'm just kind of wondering why the fuck people think all Aromantics are similar/have similar experiences?
It's the whole "Queer platonic relationships are just best friends" stupidity but also Worse somehow.
As someone who is aromantic but isn't necessarily romance-repulsed, I have been in my fair share of relationships. I tell my partners I won't ever share their romantic feelings upfront but that doesn't mean I don't like them, I just don't get regular romance cues.
I don't ever feel the urge to kiss people (I genuinely dislike kissing it feels kinda yucky) or say sappy shit or get butterflies and as someone who is also greyace, I sometimes don't want to have sex. Most of my relationship partners understand that or are equally on the aspectrum so our relationships work out just fine.
And yes, most of the time we're just best friends. We hang out to watch movies, talk about dorky shit, and it's not like the person dating someone else or having feelings for someone else has me up at night. Heck, sometimes if I'm in a qpr with a non-aro person, they come to me for dating advice. But we still cuddle and they're special to me.
Other times I have been in qprs where the person is super monogamous and alloromantic and while we're still best friends (who share a bed and sometimes when we're both up for it, fuck), we also don't date or have sex with other ppl. I'm cool with it because while I don't return their feelings, I do like the feeling of being romantically attractive (which makes me sound like a bitch, but I tell them up front that I can't ever return their feelings so we're more or less on the same page).
A qpr can be as casual or as committed as either party wants it to be. It can be polyamorous or monogamous. It is defined by the people who are in the relationship.
I don't currently plan on having children but one day I might and might want to have and raise them with someone else.
Is it a romantic relationship? No, because I don't have romantic feelings for them.
Is it a sexual relationship? Sometimes, if the person I'm with isn't asexual. But not necessary.
Is it strictly friendship? No because we are more than that and some of the shit we do doesn't exactly scream friendship.
So what Is it? A queerplatonic relationship.
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saw the post about quiet-times when I was about to follow you, they actually attacked me today over saying, in the tags of a reblog from them about queeragamic, that i felt it was out of line for them to say alloaros were more oppressed than aces. agreed with the post and everything (changed my mind after). their post says to block me instead of interacting but i'm still getting people screaming insults at me + saying they'll beat me up. dunno why i'm sending this but hhhh i'm so tired
Yeah, you reblogging that post means it’s definitely on quiet-times’ radar right now. Which for some reason I was expecting that to fly by without being noticed. I’m so tired right now I don’t even care, which is weird. Maybe I’m developing a thicker skin for these kinds of things. Or maybe I’m just burnt out. Idk.
I’m sorry you’re getting anon hate. Just block the anons, seriously. That means next time you’ll get less, hopefully. I’m glad quiet-times tried to stop it, but they are a “discourse blog” so inevitably there are going to be the kinds of people following them who would send anon hate and threats regardless. Hopefully they learn from this and try to do a bit more to prevent it the next time something like this happens.
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About the post - I have to be honest I didn’t take a lot of issue with the bit in question:
Not only that, but keep in mind that exclusionists hate aros too. Even more than they hate aces.
Mostly because it didn’t immediately flag to me as incorrect. I interpreted about it as talking about specifically the kind of online anti-ace/aro sentiment that get labeled as exclusionism. Though now I’m thinking that this doesn’t take into account the “curse of visibility” at all, where more visible groups get more hate.
Regardless, I’m not a fan of the oppression olympics that happen within aro and ace communities. Yes, different kinds of aro and ace people face different issues, and all of those issues should be addressed. We don’t need to fight over who has it the worst to do that.
Honestly, as an ace person who doesn’t like the word “queeragamic”, I took the biggest issue with this part of that post:
By making and supporting queeragamic, a term that means “nonsexual qpr,” people have sexualized queerplatonic relationships and, if this term gets popular, people are going to think qprs are exclusively sexual. Asexuals aren’t gonna wanna use that term anymore resulting in us being even more divided than before.
What about aces who have sex? What about aces who know about the word queerplatonic and are perfectly content with that word and/or don’t pay enough attention to tumblr to notice the new word? What about aces who hate the idea of using the word “agamic” to describe their relationships? Aces aren’t going to jump ship on the word queerplatonic. They’re fretting about something that would never happen.
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Anyway, trying to use “my experiences of being aromantic are inseparable from my experiences of being allosexual,” an entirely valid statement, as a way of deflecting someone from using the word allosexual as it was intended and coined is absolutely horrid. Like, can you imagine anyone saying any of the following:
“I am unable to separate my experiences of being a cis woman from being butch. Therefore, you may not call me cisgender as a way of pointing out that I don’t have firsthand experience about being trans.”
“I am unable to separate my experiences of being alloromantic from being asexual. Therefore, you may not call me alloromantic as a way of pointing out that I don’t have firsthand experience of being aro.”
Quiet-times wouldn’t support anyone saying either of those two sentences. So why are they (and others) saying essentially the same thing about being allosexual? I get having a gut negative reaction to hearing someone say that they’re allosexual specifically in that way, but they’re not right in this situation, and if they honestly think about it for a moment I think they’ll understand that.
(And no hard feelings from me if they realize that and change their mind - we’re all learning and growing! I’d be super thrilled to see someone realize they made a poor decision on instinct and correct themselves after a bit of thought, rather than doubling down on it.)
Something that might be helpful in that is keeping in mind that the ace community does not use “allosexual” as a privileged category. Being both heterosexual and heteroromantic is the privileged category. Otherwise the relationships are considered lateral - different but not necessarily worse or better.
A lot of the people involved in this conversation might be a bit young for remembering 2015-2016 online hate directed at aces, but this was a big part of that - people were accusing aces of calling lgb allosexual people privileged for their sexuality simply because the word “allosexual” exists. So, keep in mind the above, and let’s not have more repetition of standard anti-ace sentiment coming from the allo aro community, thanks.
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