#i honestly cant tell and thats the scariest part
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here's the real question: would post-npmd grace turn on pete & steph if she saw them canoodling? discuss
#i honestly cant tell and thats the scariest part#shes so fucking unhinged who even knows#hatchetfield#npmd#grace chasity#like my instinct is to say yes she absolutely would#but also?? she did step up and sacrifice her chastity to save them#so she clearly cares about them
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i hate being vulnerable on here and just yelling into the void but ive continuously had to learn to swallow my emotions and move on, and i can see the cracks breaking in my soul, how suppressed i feel.
and every single time i do express myself, i feel like i get immediately dished a dose of cbt/ways to feel differently or acknowledgement that i actually have it a lot better than others, instead of acknowledgement of what im going through is a real and valid emotion. and its in small ways, but god, it picks at me like a scab, until i bleed over and over and then the scab just slowly stops forming over and settles as a permnant scar or abrasion. literally whats happened on parts of my face lmao.
for years i thought i was self reflective and accountable, which i already felt guilty over feeling, but now i feel ive been stripped down to the bone, where a lot of my “self reflection” was really self-gaslighting, self-doubt, self-blame, self-punishment, usually from feeling an emotion. i do it to myself so much that when someone comes to me with a small issue, which i take on board of course (a bit too much honestly), but it validates my default self-punishing mind that i deserve to continue to do that.
as silly as it sounds, i dont even drink or smoke or starve because that would draw attention to myself. i dont even do nice things for myself like present in the way that i want. i am comfortable with blending in, remaining a small personality, because to do anything otherwise is to draw attention to me. and thats bad.
my therapist said she feels i value life, which is why i dont do any life-damaging behaviours to myself. but i think about that, i do partially agree, but i also feel like im caught in a web of “i know life will get better, one day im going to be happier, even though right now i am disgusting and pathetic and miserable and abusive and dont deserve anything” but i also feel like a lot of the taking care of myself really falls back on a) not wanting to draw attention to myself (being analysed, talked about, perceived, concerned for, i need to just “get on with it”) and b)not being able to be the best for others. i know even without all that stuff im still broken, (as silly as it sounds) i had carer-related trauma in 2019/2020, but i still habitually put myself in the peacemaker/diffuser/carer situation. all of my current behaviours, feelings, situation, it all feels very unnatrual. my demeanor that ive carried with me my entire life, the passive, small, cumbersome person is so ingrained within me, but thats not me. and it shows through the cracks when i get excited, but then i immediately feel guilty over being excited, and have strongnly punished myself since a young teenager to recede back to being a blank slate.
i feel like a protagonist in a book, but in a bad way, where i am a blank slate that just reacts to whats around me, not forming any strong characteristics, surrounded by the rest of the cast that have somethign unique about them and are stronger, better written characters.
and the constant welling in my chest. the constant habitually not talking about my emotions because im too complicated, probably manipulative by even talking about myself, the constant on guard.
my therapist said that a lot of what i do is out of a place of fear, and that i need to start doing things out of empowerment. but when i do that, it gets shat back in my face, and maybe i am still required to be in fight flight mode, still in fear mode.
i feel unfixable. i feel like im the sole reason for all the problems im facing. i keep cycling with having an emotion, talking myself down in a self-depreacting way, convince myself its not justified (and i can never figure out if it is or not) and then just. bottle it back down. cuz its obvious im the bad person for feeling upset at someones shitty actions to begin with.
i cant even talk to my friends. despite feeling on the brink of crisis. i get scarder and scarder every day that im going to have a repeat of my psychotic episode, which was one of the scariest things i have experienced about myself, and i cant even tell people im scared. im meant to be a lot stronger. more durable. better. im meant to get well.
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Told You | Mafia!Yuta x Reader
this has to do with the recent reaction post i made it goes more in depth about yuta’s reaction and how it went down. hope yall like it!!
its been your goal since you met yuta to scare him
and even though yuta could be relaxed around you he never flinched or showed any fear when you tried to freak him out
though in the time you two have been dating you have managed to scare other members such as taeil a couple times but never haechan that man is the scariest man here although thats beside the point
today was another day that you attempted to scare your boyfriend
and honestly you thought you had got him this time
he had no idea you were behind him and you were absolutely going to freak him out with the mask you had on
you tapped on his shoulder and-
“Oh hey y/n what the hell is on your face?”
you pulled off the mask hastily which made your hair a bit messed up
“why dont you get ever scared?”
“babe im in the mafia. i was beaten as a kid and thrown into terrifying situations that no kid should have to go through. i dont get scared anymore.”
you poked his chest “that sounds like a challenge and i gladly accept”
“whatever i have stuff to go do so why dont you go back to our apartment and ill meet you back there in a little bit” he pulled you towards him and kissed the top of your head
you smiled at him and nodded your head “okay ill see you later yuta”
you left the hideout and started your way back home
the sun was setting it was nearly dusk but you knew this route like the back of your hand
you was casually walking when someone bumped into you knocking you down
“I am so sorry! here let me help you up”
the man pulled you up off the ground but not letting you go he pulled a gun out and held is discretely between your back and him
“Walk”
he led you into an alley where there was a truck lying in wait
“this is kind of cliche dont you think?”
“shut up or ill shoot you”
“right got it”
you suddenly felt extreme pain in your leg
“I told you to shut up”
he then threw you into the van while you passed out from the pain
yuta started to make his way home around midnight
he didnt want to worry you earlier but he had a tough job to do today and he needed to be sure you were home by the time he left for his job
“y/n im home”
he took of his shoes at the door and waited for you to poke your head out like you usually did
that was one thing he loved about you
you always stayed up and waited for him
but when you didnt come out he knew something was wrong
from the looks of it you hadnt even made it home your shoes werent anywhere in sight
suddenly his phone started ringing and he immediately answered it without looking to see who it is
“y/n is that you?!”
“yuta. this is taeyong. you need to get back here now. youre not going to like this”
with that taeyong hung up and yuta ran back out the door
when he got back to the hideout he rushed in and saw everyone huddled around in a room
when he pushed through everyone he thought his heart would stop
there you were wrapped in bandages and bruises laying on a makeshift cot
“what the hell...do we know who did this?”
taeil stepped forward and moved your arm ever so slightly so that yuta could see what was written on it
it was a phone number
mark then spoke up “the phone number is an international one. specifically japan. though i couldnt get the owner of it i think we all know who did this”
yutas knuckles were white from how hard he was clenching his fists
everyone filed out and left him alone in there with you
he knelt down next to you and held your hand “y/n i swear im going to make sure this never happens again” he kissed your hand and then left
he made it outside and called the number
“took you long enough to call me. i was starting to get worried that i beat up the wrong person! glad to see my men didnt screw up this time”
yuta was shaking in his shoes “what do you want dad”
yuta could hear his dad chuckle into the phone “always straight to the point. thats what ive always admired about you, son”
“cut the crap just tell me what you want”
“fine, fine. i want you to come back. youve had your fun here in korea but its time you came back and i thought that my message would be more widely received if you saw what would happen if you said no. but next time your little toy will be dead. ill text you an address. you better be there.”
with that his dad hung up
and yuta was pissed
once he got the text he would have ran but someone stopped him
“where are you going?”
taeyong walked up to yuta and waited for his answer
“im going to where my father is. you cant stop me so dont even try”
taeyong threw his hands into the air “hey man i wasnt going to. i just thought that you might need someone to go with you”
“why would you want to go? dont you have other things to do?”
taeyong puckered his lips and bobbed his head around “yeah but it seems like your father wants to take a valuable asset from my gang and its part of my job as the boss to make sure everything is going as smoothly as possible and its my job as your friend to make sure that you dont make any decisions youll regret”
“aww the boss cares”
“shut up and get in the car”
so the two of them went to where the address was and got out of the car and into the warehouse
“you know, your dad is very cliche”
“yeah hes always been predictable like this. anyways you should stay out here. if you hear anything then you come in. nothing should happen but its always good to have some backup”
taeyong nodded his head and yuta went in
“glad to see you could make it son. though youre a bit later than i expected. well as long as youre here. lets go”
mr. nakamoto turned around to leave with all his grunts
“im not going dad. im just here to tell you my last goodbyes.”
mr. nakamoto stopped in his tracks and swiftly spun around
“your what?”
“I seem to have left you with the wrong idea when i left for korea. i meant that as a final goodbye but i guess you didnt get it. i am done with you and the yakuza. im happy here and theres nothing you could do to make me leave. so this is it. goodbye, father.”
yuta was walking towards the exit when he stopped “oh yeah and if i ever see you or your men around y/n again i will personally make sure that you and your little syndicate will be nothing but dust.”
taeyong and yuta made their way back to the base where you were up already
when yuta saw you awake he ran in and hugged you
“god y/n i was absolutely terrified that I had lost you. I am so sorry about this it will never happen again.”
you could hear the emotion in his voice and you kissed his cheek as the hug came to an end but you had another thought on your mind
“what are you smiling about? you were shot and could have died”
“I told you I could scare you”
#nct mafia au#yuta x reader#nakamoto yuta x reader#yuta#nakamoto yuta#nct#nct scenarios#nct 127#nct127#nct127 scenarios
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Unexpected Arrival -4
Pairing: Eventual Bucky x Reader, Possible Steve x Reader
Summary: As if working with the Avengers wasn’t exciting enough…. an unexpected visitor is about to change your life forever.
A/N: This part kinda took a little angsty turn! After the next chapter, there may be a little time jump.... i havent decided yet. Thank you to everyone who is reading/sharing, it means alot!
I was cleared by Bruce, as long as i promised to take it easy for a couple of days! Bucky walked with me back to the residential floor, Evie safely tucked into his right arm as i leant on his left for a bit of support.
"Hey Buck, lets just stop in the common room for a bit. I need to eat and not be stuck in a bed for a while"
"You sure? Bruce said to rest...."
"I'll be resting just fine on the sofa, while you make me a sandwich"
"Okay, deal" he chuckled shaking his head as we walked into the common room. I walked over to the sofa and gently lowered myself down, Bucky standing close by waiting for me to get comfortable.
"I'm not sure how much rest you'll get when the team realise you and Evie are in here" he said leaning forward to place Evie in my arms once he saw i was settled "what do you want on your sandwich doll?"
"I really dont mind, id eat anything im that hungry" i scoffed as i snuggled into the sofa with Evie laying on my chest.
"Well i'll be damned!!" Came the booming voice of Sam Wilson.
"Shhhhh she's sleeping bird brain!" Bucky snapped as he playfully shoved Sams shoulder.
"Sorry! I didnt know!" He mumbled as he walked over and sat across from me "i heard what happened but i thought they were all just messing with me!!"
"Nope its true, surprise huh?"
"Id say!! She's beautiful Y/N" Sam flashed a huge grin as he looked down at Evie.
"Thank you Sam" i smiled proudly and looked over to see Bucky keeping a close eye on us while he made my sandwich.
"What are you? The baby bodyguard?" Sam laughed teasing Bucky, Sam had obviously noticed that Bucky was keeping a close eye on us.
"Try the baby daddy!" Bucky replied with a dead straight face and murder in his eyes.
"What??!!" Sam practically squealed at Bucky's reply.
"Oh my god Buck.... did you really just say that?" I laughed at him, his eyes met mine and his facade broke as he burst out laughing "im sorry! I heard Tony say it yesterday" Bucky shrugged as he walked over with the plate holding my sandwich.
"Please don't ever say that again"
"Wait.... are you serious? Or are you fucking with me?? i honestly cant tell!"
Sam said shaking his head and looking super confused.
"Language! Don't swear around my daughter!" Bucky slapped Sam on the back of the head as he passed.
"Switch please" i smiled up at Bucky before taking the plate, once his hands were free he carefully picked up Evie and had her held against his chest in no time.
"Wow..... you’re like... good at the dad thing Buck" Sam said sounding surprised.
"I had younger sisters growing up, it was a long time ago but I'm pretty sure its still the same" he chuckled.
"Wait, how long have you two...."
"You can take this one Buck I'm eating" i said with a shit eating grin.
"Thanks Y/N" he rolled his eyes, looked at Sam and shrugged "it was one time, we're not together.... but we're in this together. Right doll?" He looked at me and smiled.
"Yep, what he said" i replied trying to keep my tone steady, it hurt a little hearing how casual he made it sound. It took me back to when he had acted like nothing had happened between us after we finally slept together all those months ago.
"I cant believe y'all have a baby!"
"Neither can we!" I said around a mouthful of my sandwich "imagine my surprise when Bruce told me i didn't have stomach flu and that i was in fact in labour!"
"Thats crazy sweetheart"
"Sure was, scariest thing I've ever been through Sammy....And the pain.... nothing compares to that!"
"But it was worth it, look what you got out of it" Sam was hovering around Evie clearly wanting to hold her but Bucky wasn't parting with her just yet.
"She was worth every bit of the pain".
Later that afternoon I was walking back to the common room after taking a shower and getting into clean clothes, i stopped by the door when i heard Sam and Bucky talking in hushed voices.
"Oh come on man! These girls are hot! You cant pass that up!" Sam was saying to Bucky.
"I don't know Sam, i don't really think me going out on a date is a good idea right now"
"Why the hell not?? Just because you got a kid now? Im sure Evie wont mind"
"Y/N's been through a lot man, i just feel like i need to be here for her and Evie"
"Buck come onnnn! they will both probably be asleep by 7pm! the date is at 8, you dont need to stay that long..."
I couldn't believe what i was hearing! I pushed the door open making sure it was loud enough that they heard me. Both men turned to face me, Sam with a huge fake smile and Bucky just looked plain guilty.
"Sorry did i interrupt something?" I asked casually as i flipped on the kettle to make some tea.
"No doll of course not"
"I was just telling Bucky about a date i arranged for him.... a double date actually. I needed a wingman"
"Oh...."
"And I was just telling Sam that i didn't think it was a good idea. I thought it'd be best if i stayed here incase you and Evie needed me"
"If you wanna go Buck don't let us stop you" i snapped turning to face them "i'll be fine with Evie on my own"
"See! I told you she'd be cool!"
I was suddenly feeling so angry and on the verge of tears all at once! I just needed to get away from them, I walked over to Bucky and reached down taking Evie.
"She needs feeding" i said simply "go on your date Bucky" i mumbled as i turned around and headed for my room.
I was sat on my bed nursing Evie with tears running down my face when i heard the knock on my door. I chose to ignore it hoping that whoever it was would take the hint and leave me alone.
"Y/N.... doll i know you’re in there i can hear you" Steve called from outside making me sigh and wipe my tears away.
"Im just feeding Evie, i'll be out in a minute"
"Can i come in?.... i can tell you’re upset sweetheart"
"Im fine Steve..." i called back but burst into tears again. The next thing i know the door clicked open and Steve came in, he pushed the door closed behind him and locked it before rushing to my side. He sat next to me on my bed pulling me into him carefully while trying not to disrupt Evie's feeding.
"You wanna tell me whats wrong?" He asked quietly as he stroked my arm trying to calm me down.
"Im just a huge hormonal mess right now Steve" i mumbled not wanting to admit what had set me off "its been a lot to adjust to i guess and i think its all just catching up to me"
"You sure thats all? You know you can talk to me Y/N.... about anything"
"I know" i nodded "I'm not even sure why i got so upset.... not really"
"So something did upset you"
"It was stupid..... don't worry about it" i told him as i sat up seeing that Evie was done feeding, i held her blanket over my chest so i didn't expose myself to Steve.
"Could you take her for a second while i sort this out?"
"Sure" he nodded happily taking Evie.
I straightened out my shirt and settled back against the bed watching Steve burp Evie. His huge hand was rested against her chest supporting her chin and jaw, his free hand gently rubbing her back.
"How do you even know how to wind a baby Steve?" I asked curiously, he looked like a pro!
"I may have done some research" he blushed a little "i wanted to know what kinda stuff needed to be done so i could help out if you needed me to"
I was suddenly crying again!!
"Oh god.... what?? Why are you crying?"
He asked starting to panic.
"That was really thoughtful of you Steve! I cant believe you went to that effort for us... for Evie"
"Of course i did, gotta be there for my favourite girls" he said smiling just as Evie let out a little burp making us both laugh, it was the cutest little sound!
"So why are you in here crying? Talk to me" Steve said a few minutes later.
"Steve...."
"Wouldn't have anything to do with whatever the hell Sam and Bucky were bickering over would it?"
"Probably" I nodded as i picked at a thread on the blanket avoiding looking at Steve "Sam arranged a date for Bucky. I heard them talking.... Bucky said he didn't think he should go considering I've just given birth to his daughter. He feels like he needs to be here incase we need him" i shrugged "i want him to want to be here for her, i don't want him to feel like he has to.... like she's a burden to his dating life" i admitted to Steve then started to laugh at how stupid i sounded "i sound fucking crazy i know!"
"No you don't"
"I told him to go, told him that he should go on his date.... not to let us stop him, that i would be fine on my own"
"But you don't want him to go on that date do you" It wasn't a question, it was Steve stating a fact.
"No..."
"Y/N, why don't you just tell him that?"
"Because i'll sound like a crazy woman!! he doesn't owe me anything Steve, he’s not my boyfriend.... we didn't plan this" i rambled on not even sure if i was making any sense at all "yes, we have a daughter together now but that doesn't mean he has to put his life on hold. If he wants to date who am i to stop him?"
"And what about your feelings for Bucky?"
"W..what?" I asked wide eyed, caught off guard by Steve's comment.
"Im not blind doll, i see the way you are with him... the way you look at him. You love him" Steve stated smiling "and that was before you had Evie!"
"I.... i dont... shit. So what if i do huh?? Steve, it doesnt change the fact that he doesnt feel the same way!"
"How do you know that? Have you asked him??"
"Of course i haven't asked him!! But he made it clear enough back in Alaska" i shrugged.
"What do you mean?"
"if you had finally slept with the woman you loved.... would you act like nothing happened the next day?? Act like everything was normal, ignore her even. Go on dates with other women...."
"I wouldn't no"
"Exactly! There's no point in me telling Bucky how i feel because i know he will never feel the same".
"Y/N...."
"Its fine, honestly. I'll be okay, its just the hormones.... I'm over reacting" i shrugged "please don't say anything to him Steve.... i know he’s your best friend but this stays between us".
"I wont, i promise" he smiled sadly as he held my hand bringing it up to place a kiss on the back of it.
"Thank you Steve".
#bucky barnes#bucky x reader#winter soldier#bucky fanfic#bucky imagine#bucky x you#sebastian stan#steve x reader#unexpectedarrival
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tagged by | @ninzied lol okay here we go
1. how tall are you?
5′7″
2. what color and style is your hair?
they called it dirty blonde growing up but honestly it’s brown because i’m a shut in and it gets zero sun. also its ~wavy for like the first two days after it’s washed.
3. what color are your eyes?
bah-luueeee
4. do you wear glasses?
yes. contacts when i wanna go out in public though.
5. do you wear braces?
noope.
6. what is your fashion style?
on the regular it’s pajamas or leggings because holla at your work-from-home ethic, ey. other times it’s just jeans and a comfy shirt.
7. full name?
I MEAN you already have like most of it. calm down.
8. when were you born?
05.18.1991 12:28am EST
9. where are you from and where do you live now?
south of boston//mid-florida [take me homeeee]
10. what school do you go to?
lol school. okay.
11. what kind of student are you?
oh god. depressive. you want me to do what? no i already turned that in, you can’t find it? oh well.
12. do you like school?
no, summer child, no.
13. what are your favorite school subjects?
english and history, mostly. i took ceramics a couple of times though, that was neat. and set building. that was fun. they had a planetarium but they never used it while i was there.
14. favorite TV shows?
punisher. jessica jones. siren. b99. lucifer. wynonna earp. good girls. letterkenny. i’m missing some but thats just off the top of my head.
15. favorite movies?
UH OKAY. lion king. labyrinth. uhhmmmm idfk. ask me later.
16. favorite books?
this lullaby - sarah dessen. and HP#6 i haven’t read a real life book in a while though, yikes. my tbr list is kinda yeesh.
17. favorite pastime?
watching thunderstorms//driving out into the dark to check out meteor showers. thats a current fave too.
18. do you have any regrets?
uh so there was one time i was at walmart in this ridic long line to buy yarn and this lady had all these expired coupons she wanted to use and i was legit in line for a good 35 minutes, no exaggeration, and the guy in front of me started talking about how he just wanted to return this one thing, and another guy and his young son called me from two rows over like i was their family?? (they recognized me from an aisle we shared) and had me jump in front with them and they played it so hard to the line behind them that i was his daughter and i really wanted the guy in front of me before to go instead but i still left before everyone else and just - i really wish that guy went instead. its been like 4 and a half years and i still think about the look on his face when i walked away from that coupon-lady aisle. i regret that.
19. dream job?
to not have one and still have money come in for goods and services.
20. would you like to get married someday?
sure why not.
21. would you like to have kids someday?
lmao no. i cant even take care of me most days.
23. do you like shopping?
the wandering around part is fun.
24. what countries have you visited?
just this one. i have a goal for iceland one day, though.
25. what’s the scariest nightmare you’ve ever had?
my dead great grandfather is on the street outside an apartment building and i’m a kid on a kids trike and he’s telling me he’s gonna have to take me with him.
26. do you have any enemies?
maybe? nothing like peter vs chicken types of enemies, but like, maybe.
27. do you have an s/o?
no, but if we’re talking lifelong forever significants, i’ll say my bff. i fell down middle school stairs and she asked me “are you okay, white girl?” inseparable since.
28. do you believe in miracles?
yeah why not lol.
taggingggggggg @amusementofaprincess, @kirythestitchwitch, @cbk1000, @hipsterfrankcastle and anyone else who wants to nab this up.
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The Sarina Project
Ok so I gotta put a little A/N at the start of this one beacuse I realized I have to make a litttttllllleee change to this story. Soz. Annyywaaayyyy... I’ve decided to change the POV from first person to third person, which I know is probably SUPER annoying for you but I promise this chapter would work better if it was not just from Karina’s POV. So I hope y’all are ready for some ~e p i c~ punk!Sarah thoughts ^-^
The Sarina Project
Chapter 18: I Hate My Freinds
“Are you sure your ready to do this?” Emily viciously inquired of DJ, who just happened to be sitting next to her. (A/N: Remember, Karina is NOT narrating this she is NOT HERE hehe ^-^)
“Are you kidding??? I’m literally James Bond,” DJ said, popping the p. “I’ve snuck into like 15 classrooms already this year.”
“OMG ME TOO!” Emily said back in response to DJ.
“Ya exactly we snuck into those classrooms together,” DJ unimpressedly said. They both laughed at Emily’s forgetfulness.
“Haha,” she laughed, giggling.
“Ok lets go,” DJ said, immediately jumping into a James Bond somersault and kicking the door to the classroom. Emily crept in behind him, her greenish, hazelish, slightly brown speckled balls of sight gazing over the cold, lifeless, OPPRESSIVE, torture seats... aka... DESKS. (A/N: hahahahhahaha I hate school sum1 halp plz 😭😂)
“There’s no one in here,” Emily said after about ten minutes observations.
“Wow it’s not like I can see the exact same classroom,” DJ sarcastically quipped back at her in such a tone that only DJ could recreate.
“Just get to the desk,” Emily said, deciding to suddenly use her gymnastics skills to backflip across the room and onto the teacher’s desk.
“Wow I, definitely good enough for the olympics if I can do that,” Emily said, obviously very very proud of her recent accomplishments. Ever since she was two days and fifteen hours and 32 minutes old, she had wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. Gymnastics was her LAIFE!! (A/N: Chipotle is laiiifffeee heh XD). DJ rolled his brown orbs he used for seeing almost every day back into his head at Emily’s showyoffiness and walked over to the same teachers desk Emily was standing on.
“I saw Mrs. Bersbedasukeon put the paper with our group project partners on the third drawer from the bottom on the right said,” DJ told Emily, DABBING and pointing toward the correct drawer. Emily pulled open the drawer and grabbed the single piece of paper sitting on there. A piece of paper that could change the life of ALL THE NAMES ON IT. This paper would be the most sacred thing Emily would touch in a long time.
“This piece of paper is so precious,” Emily hugged the paper to her chest while violently popping her p’s.
“Just switch the names!!!!,!!!!!!!” DJ annoyingly said, banging on the desk to gain Emily’s attention back. Emily nodded and started whiting out a few names on the paper with... WHITE OUT; which she had conveniently stashed in her coat pocket and had just pulled out for this specific reason.
(A/N: okiiii idk how to describe this next part because it always plays like a movie in my head... if that makes sense... IDK. But anyway I’m gonna write this next part like a script so it’s easier for y’all to understand. Remember dailysarina cares about her followers!!! ;))
Emily: *quickly runs white out over a few ^convenient^ names*
DJ: *rewrites the new group partners aS THEY SHOULD BE*
“Good. That’s good,” Emily said as DJ forged the teachers’ handwriting. Then the super sneaky spy duo (A/N: “Nice use of alliteration” -Mr. Scoggins, my English teacher haha jk I would DIE if he read this lol xD) left the classroom until the next day.
THE NEXT DAY............,,....
I enter through the doorway to my art class, brushing my newly dyed pink hair out of my eyes and adjusting my lilac colored flower crown. ‘I wonder if Sarah will notice my hair?’ I wonder. Wait. WHY DID I THINK THAT?? Ugh this is so annoying. Sarah is literally the scariest person I’ve ever seen and yet I am CONSTANTLY worried about what she thinks of me. What is up with that?? It probably just because I’m a weird person, and that’s what weird people do. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
“Ew your hair looks like a fairy threw up on it,” Sarah quipped at me the second I walked in the room, without even making eye contact. What the heck?!??,.! Why is she so MEAN? “You also look like that girl from LazyTown.” OH THAT’S IT.
“Yeah, well... you look like Susie from DELTARUNE!” I screamed back at her, crossing my arms in satisfaction. I can’t believe I actually stood up to her! She didn’t get mad and punch me in the face like I thought she would. She didn’t even yell another insult back at me. She just smiled a bit, and went back to drawing a skull and cross bones on her ripped jeans with eyeliner. I skip over to a giggling Emily and DJ, who were sitting at the table next to Sarah, and sit down, fluffing the skirt of my light pinkish salmon dress as I sit.
“What are you laughing about?” I say to my freinds, who seem to be cackling about something I don’t know about. Are they laughing at me?? I wouldn’t be surprised if they were, considering all my old friends at my old school started bullying me for being weird. UGH! WHy is being weird so hard in high school??
“Nooooiittththhhhhiiiiinnnnnnngggggggg............” the blonde haired girl and the brown eyed boy said in complete unison. Ok, that was creepy, I’m just going to ignore that.
“I will now read out the partners I’ve assigned for this art project y’all will be working on,” our teacher, Mrs. Bersbedasukeon yelled at us. I really hope I get a good partner that doesn’t make fun of my pink hair. And I rreeeeaaallllly hope I don’t get Sarah. ANYONE BUT SARAH.
“The first pair will be Karina and Sarah.”
...
...
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
“Ummm, can I please- but I am cut off by the rudest teacher to ever exist. She just goes on giving out partners like I don’t have a problem with mine. HOW RUDE IS THAT
“Ugghhhhhhh now our project is gonna be covered in rainbows and glitter and pink flowers, gross.” Sarah said, banding her head on the table. I feel like I’m about to cRY. THIS IS GONNA BE H O R R I B L E. why does all the horrible stuff always have to happen to me? My life sucks,
“Well have fun with you Project, you guys,” Emily quips sarcastically, popping the p, but I did NOT think it was funny. She gets to work with DJ, and that’s NOT FAIR. why can’t THEY work with Sarah???” At least they sort of l i k e her.
This is probably all their fault.
I hate them sooooooo much. :( 😭
...
WHOOOAAAAAAAA CLIFFHANGERRRRRRRR!!! xD. Soz that this chapter was a little confusing but a lot of stuff that needed to happen so the story can finally pick up (I can’t believe I’ve written 18 chapters!!!) I honestly think this is the best thing I’ve ever written, but REMEMBER. I have NEVER written anything before this is my FIRST time trying fanfic and I really don’t want anyone to judge me. Don’t be r00d LOLOLOLOL.
On a different note........ my mom is FINALLY taking our family to Chicago and I’m literally going to be spending all week hunting for my two favorite people EEEEEEEEEE. I’m hoping to see them at least 7 times, maybe more? I mean I know what kind of places they like to eat at and where they hang out with people (don’t ask me how I know I’ll never tell hehehehe) so it shouldn’t be too hard to find them. By the end of the week they’re gonna LOVE ME! xD xD Anywayyyyy because of that I probably won’t be writing another chapter next week, but I will still be posting d a n k memes about our children! Dailysarina is signing off now hehe. Peace!!! ✌️
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rant to get things off my chest
goddamn i feel so useless
hahaha
nice start huh omg im so funny lol
literally deadpanning rn
does that make me quirky
omg watch out wattpad jocks
anwyay been thinking a lot lately about the f u t u r e and all that. im terrified. ive been saying this for almost the past week but
i dont see it
i cant see my future
why cant i see it
im the type of person who reads the ending of a book before i decide to read it
i skip to the last episode to check if ill like the ending before i start a show
i always have to know what's going to happen so that i know its worth it.
how is it that the one thing thats mine to control, my life, is the only thing i have no control over.
why cant i see my future
why cant i picture myself happy with people around me that i care about and those who care about me
why cant i picture a family and a job and a steady income and a dream home
why dont i have a dream home
why dont i have any dream
why is there nothing i want so badly that i could die trying to get it
i want to be content in life but i dont even know what that looks like
part of me thinks that the reason i cant see my future is becuase i wont make ti that far and this is one last mercy.
i wonder if id rather be like this, without a dream, or with a dream i might never get to
i cant tell which is worse but when we're stuck in a ditch we only see our ditch and we cant wait to get out
what if next to my ditch there are only other ditches
what if leaving this ditch means falling into another and then another and then another
how do i find solid ground
where do i plant my feet to not keep sinking
this all sounds so dramatic but honestly
let it
im the only one who cares that thins point, which might be ironic cus the thing i care abt is the fact that ive stopped caring
im giving up
bit by bit
and this feels like the scariest thing ive ever done
giving up is so terrifying but i dont even knwo what the opposite is
right now, i feel like all ive ever done is give up
its what im best at because ive ever had anything to fight for
i want a life worth fighting for
if i ever right a book, ill probably write the epilouge before i write the first chapter
so that im excited to get to where i want to take the story
i wish i could do that with my life
i want to be excited about things
gosh i just want to live for the sake of living and without this heavy worthlessness about me
i take in deep breaths
i close my eyes
i pretend i can shut fof the world even if just for a seond
but then i have to breath out
open my eyes
and realize that there is nothing i want to see
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I have depression and i am going to ruin everyones day
Okay, so, a couple of weeks ago I wrote about how I was having some very bad suicidal thoughts and that I was scared about how much I just wanted to do it. In that post, i said that i’ll write about why i was feeling that way and such. so here it is. (note; this how i feel about the situation, it may not be entirely true)
i dont have a job. i havent had one in almost a year and a half at this point, and only 3 months at that. my parents have let me live with them since i graduated highschool, which i am grateful for. but, my dad holds onto his dads view on things: people in the house who make money are in charge, and the people who dont are subserviant to them. so, i end up being talk to in a way that seems to amount to “shut up, i make money, you dont”. which means that he ends up using his dads parenting technique of talking to your kids when they mess up: make them feel like shit, hate themselves, and doubt their worth as a human being. (his dad is worst, and he’s openingly said that he hated how his dad talked to him) unsurprisingly, this is not a good combination. combine this with the state of politics (which my dad has a much higher tolerance for than anyone else in my family), and that two people on my mom’s side have depression (one was my uncle, who DID kill himself, the other is her), and you can see why i have been feeling like absolute shit for the last month.
“well why not get a job” your probably saying. like i said, i had one. and that was the other time in my life that i had suicidal thoughts. not only that, i almost killed myself during that time! i was walking by the road, and this giant truck was moving, and i was just....not there, like if you talked to me, i’d just kinda give very automated responses, and i was just doing the things that popped into my head, and that was one of them (I will be eternally greatful to @kaiserofphyrexia for stopping me when he saw me trying to). thankfully, i lost that job shortly after that, and man let me tell you, it is one of the scariest things ever thinking about going back. the stress of constantly fearing making even the tiniest mistake just ate at me every minute of every day i was there. combine this with the managers were just awful human beings (they expected two people to do the same amount of work as 6 people and screwed us up several times just to make more money), and yeah, i just lost all interest in everything and anything. like, NOTHING helped me feel better. i hated everything cause my life just began to center around going back to work, which made me feel horrible, and i did it so often, and my schedule was completely random each and every week that i couldn’t plan to do anything. the managers didnt like it when you tried to request a day off, and you couldn’t say that your unavailable on a day, so unless i lied and said that it was for religious purposes, i didnt have any reliable day to relax and do the things that help me feel better. so when they told me that they were letting me go (one of them didnt like me to much), i was shocked, but also so releaved. it felt like a massive weight was lifted (cliched, i know) and i felt so much better.
and then the job search to find the next one like it began. and i was so scared to go back. i almost killed myself (or at least, severely injure myself), and from what i understand they were actually pretty tame compared to some of the managers out there, and the work itself didnt bug me too much, just the amount. so i just cant get my self to go back, which is why i asked my parents to help me find a job. my mom cant help to much, so it fell to my dad, and he said “you an adult, you dont NEED help. just go do it” oh yeah, silly me, i forgot that when you turn 18, all your emotions die and you become impervious to negative emotions. how could i forget!
not to mention that, with the amount of times i forget things and mess up. I cant tell you how many times i have to retypes words cause i misspell them (the grammar issues are just the tip of the iceberg). And i keep forgeting how to spell words! for several days this week, i forgot how to spell “choice” (i kept spelling chose). I cant even tell some coins apart (pennies and quarter and thats it), i i’m supposed to adult. i cant talk to my parents about this, cause whenever i’ve talked to my dad about these things, he makes me feel even worse than before. e always demands an explaination from me for why i do somethings, but i dont always have a reason. sometimes i just feel the need to do something or something to be done a certain way for no reason. and i usually realize that i was being an asshat (mentally chastising myself like how my dad does) and feel terrible, and will want to apologize for it. but my dad doesn’t like that and makes me furious beyond words and i just close off from everyone and dont apologize and feel even worse. i have a hard time letting go of things, so this shit just festers and i feel crumby for hours. (theres also the fact that he consistantly quotes “do or do not; there is no try” to me and my brother when asks us to do things, which is why i kinda blew up at a friend when they quoted it to me)
and i just dont feel competent in any way possible, and i need to do something that i could mess up on catastrophically on that could ruin my entire life. and these feelings would be exaggerated.
i began to have these thoughts and feelings when i started thinking on my whole situation, and just....idk. i need help to get job (im still terrified to do so at all), and my dad is one of the people in my life who can help me the most, but he wont cause im an adult, and i need to get him to just help me and respect me, which requires a job, which i need help getting, and he wont help me and respect cause im an adult and [repeat agnosium]. the scariest part to me was the fact there was only to options out, and it was the first time that suicide felt like a very valid option in my life. but i cant put my family through that. again. remember when i said that i had an uncle with depression? yeah, it got him.....almost 6 years ago? that was just one of the worst times of my life, and it just fuck up my family. i dont want to put them through that again. but when i thought about how my dad would feel....i felt a sadistic joy. and that scared me. it was a true and honest to god reason to do it, and it scared me so much.
but i’ve opted for the other way i saw; telling people. inspired by the youtuber jaiden when she talked about her own problems on the matter, ive chosen to share this with my friends (you guys) and my family (whom ill send this to later tonight. ive found that im at my happiest when surrounded by friends, and so ive been really itching lately to just hangout with them. i sorta hate it when i do, cause i usually end up mooching off of them (which is just the cherry on top of this shit cake), but the pros far out way the cons.
so yeah. it may seem like my dad is a total monster, but he actually isn’t. hes actually one of the best people in my family and im honestly happy hes my dad and that i didnt get his dad instead. he just does things that have exaggerated feelings and that i focus on WAY too much when i get like this. but they are true problems in this whole situation, so i just......yeah. i might be like one of my cousins and just not be mentally equipped to handle a job. she has aspergers/autism, and by all accounts, i am very very autistic, so it is very likely, but i havent had a professional say so or not, so i could just be jumping to conclusions. i’m still gonna try and get at least one more job before i go with that answer to explain things, but it is still a genuine possibility.
i’d like to thank anyone who read this whole fucking monster post. i hated and loved writing it, and it need to be done. the first step to recovery from this is opening up to friends and family. i know at least one person who follows me who not only will read this entire post, but will understand and be concerned, and thats what i need, is my friends and family concerned and wanting to help me.
thank you.
#part way through i just couldnt care about correct grammar much of anymore#i just needed to get this out
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i never check my mentions apparently @alpacalmond and @uiyutrentasei tagged me in a GTKM thing so im gonna do it oh uhhhh 2 weeks later LOL because i cant sleep and i hate myself
i tag @hal-strider if they didnt do it? and @noctiilucent, @kiyumiarashi, @whimsicmimic and @ataliaf uwu and anyone else who wants to do it!!
how tall are you: this is a cryptid question. i get a different result every time i try to measure myself and ive never asked anyone else to do it for me. some people tell me im very short, others have told me im average height for someone who is afab. im gonna hazard a guess at 5′5 tho.
what colour are your eyes: very dark brown
do you wear contacts and/or glasses: glasses. i literally CANNOT see without them. i mean like 2 inches from my glasses-less face is so blurry its unbelievable. i get super triggered by eye stuff tho so contacts are a no go ALSO i look weird w/o glasses anyway.
do you wear braces: no my teeth r p good actually. one is a bit wonky but thats life
what is your fashion style: i mean 90% panties and a sweaty 4 day tshirt because i just spend all day in my room like a goblin. BUT when i actually go out im ur basic ass post-emo trans dude with skinny jeans, converse and a too-big graphic tee. sometimes i spice it up with a plaid shirt because im fuckin GAY.
when were you born: october 12th 1999, babey
how old are you: 18 motherfucker flashes my titties and gulps a bottle of vodka im an ADULT
do you have any siblings: yes. a younger brother and hes a cunt
what school/college do you go to: im at sixth form rn (last yr of highschool technically if ur american but im not and hs finishes at 16 yrs old here deal with it). im going uni next yr tho and this years almost over for me academically since we go on study leave soon for our final exams. uwu overshares
what kind of student are you: the asshole who never studies for tests and does homework at 5am the morning before and still manages to pull straight As to everyones anger. im also the adhd class clown who makes random noises and cant concentrate half the time. ik i hate myself too im so annoying irl even more so than online.
what are your favorite subjects: in terms of actual content of the subject, english lit fs. in terms of classmates/teachers/general atmosphere DEFFO drama we spend half of our time eating cake, singing random shit and just losing our minds while filming it on snapchat which shouldnt at all be allowed.
what are your favorite movies: god idek. um. fuck. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i cant think of a single movie. ok ok ok i got it: white chicks, premium rush, scott pilgrim vs the world, the cornetto triology too i just love edgar hes such a great director. i like a lot of the marvel movies esp the spiderman hc and thor ragnorok and both gotg were p good. i love a lot of movies my brains just a void that sucks memories up into its fat gob and steals them from me forever.
what are your pastimes: sleeping, crying, used to be rping but i gave up on that, playing overwatch way too much and getting tilted because im shit, reading fanfictions did i say sleeping
do you have many regrets: dude. my guy. come in close. let me whisper in ur ear. are you close? no, closer. ok.
YES
what is your dream job: whoo boy. im do indecisive and i think a LOT of jobs seem super cool that id never do i.e. be an actor or be in a band. my dream job since i was like 8 was to be a writer which is unlikely since i cant even finish a pwp oneshot. but thatd be cool. id also like to write plays and direct them but thats also wild and v dream > reality.
would you like to get married: honestly. marriage as an institution? angers me. i dont like a lot of things about it. BUT. part of the reason i hate it is honestly if ur in a long long term relationship with someone ur better off married than not in terms of the benefits so. id happily get married if the other person wanted and/or we felt like it was the right thing to do, i just dont really care about being married or having a wedding tbh.
do you want kids? how many if so: no. hard pass. i might adopt if im long-term with someone who SUPER wants kids but that likely wont happen because i dont want to get into a long-term relationship with someone so desperate for kids since i dont have that same enthusiasm. sorry. ill be ur uncle gabe but im not having my own children im just not well equipped to literally have a full time job of making sure little idiots (meant affectionately) who dont know fuck from shit dont just straight up die. i can barely do that for myself.
how many countries have you visited: shit dude actually ive only visited like... uh... 4??? a lot of my holidays tend to be to the same countries (portugal/america) so i dont have that much experience like i feel like i do.
what was your scariest dream: hmmmm. when i was a kid i had these recurring dreams where i worked at this like. “zoo” where these MASSIVE, i mean ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE string rays that were also pancakes were like. hooked up to make electricity? anyway i hated the job because we all abused the rays super bad to make them generate the power and it sucked and it was all dystopian. there was stuff where like we had to kill the baby rays and stuff. anyway one day it went all planet of the apes and they broke out somehow and could fly and they killed loads of people and i had to go into hiding because they were super clever and could id who had worked at the zoo plant and wanted revenge. its super weird ik but this is pretty tame for my dreams they go HARD and BIZARRE and this one always made me wake up feeling super sick and scared idk. ur welcome.
do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other: no im lonely but its ok because i need to work on me
put your playlist on shuffle and without skipping the first 15 songs: ok so i dont really have a “playlist” per se so im just gonna use my top 100 2017 songs on spotify which ignores a lot of my non-spotify non-2017 bangers but whatever.
1) ‘My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark’ by FOB
2) ‘Tuxford Fall’ - Vasudeva
3) ‘Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued’ - FOB
4) ‘Fried Noodles: Getter Remix’ - Pink Guy, Getter (listen ive never watched any filthy frank he weirds me out but this is a banger)
5) ‘Brick By Boring Brick’ - Paramore
6) ‘Thnks Fr Th Mmrs’ - FOB (i really dont listen to this much fob this is crazy)
7) ‘Death Note L’s Theme Goes Metal’ - Charlie Parra del Riego (theres no defence for this)
8) ‘Turnstile’ - Vasudeva
9) ‘Idle Worship’ - Paramore
10) ‘Monster’ - Paramore
11) ‘Miss Missing You’ - FOB
12) ‘The City’ - Madeon
13) ‘Far Too Young To Die’ - P!ATD
14) ‘Don’t Stop’ - Nothing More (really this is the band i listen to much smh these results are so skewed)
15) ‘Smile Like You Mean It’ - The Killers
#the void it speaks#lad tag#about me#i guess?#fhjdskshdsjg#this is stupid i h8 myself but also i love oversharing bye
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I want to talk about feeling distanced from a part of yourself, or rather separating a toxic part of yourself and convincing yourself it’s not really you.
I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to play the victim here at all. I was faced with a challenge and i failed it. I was weak where i very easily could have been strong. I was put into a very uncomfortable work situation where I was the most depressed i have ever been in my life. I had to sit in the kitchen at work because i would just be crying uncontrollably at the office. It was everything from minor sexual assault to not having a bed for 3 months. I was being emotionally abused for 3 months straight by the person who basically controlled my job, my housing, and the opinions of everyone around me. This then continued for many months after that.
Because of my depression, the new people I was working with treated me in all different ways. Some were over the top supportive and asking me how i was doing every day tears or no tears, and some were the opposite.
By the end of the summer I had lost 20lbs and was trying to figure out how to see a therapist with no american medical insurance. I had to ask my abuser if the company would cover my therapy and his response was ‘you need to make more friends.’ I never got treatment.
I came back to Korea with my depression for 6 more months, with the treatment by the new coworkers getting even worse, which in turn made me treat them poorly too. That’s when the toxicity of my personality became clear. Luckily I had my best friend and my boyfriend with me in Korea so I wasnt facing it alone, but my depression was turning into something much more dangerous. This was the first time in my life I had met people that unapologetically made me feel horrible and openly ignored or belittled me and my defense mechanism was to try to do the exact same back which, doesn’t work. During this time I also had an infection that almost cost me my kidney, they’re both permanently scarred. I didn’t go to the hospital early on because I didn’t want to miss work and give my abuser an excuse to scold me. Later I needed surgery.
The coworkers were taken out of my life without much closure, but the anger in my heart was still there. It was like a bad break up where I check up on their instagrams not knowing what I’m looking for. Do I want them to be unhappy? Do I want them to be happy? I dont know and its unhealthy.
My depression significantly lifted nearly simultaneously with me not having to deal to those people and after I started YouTube I was so happy! My best friend had just moved away so I was suddenly missing a huge piece of my life. YouTube was something that was motivating me to leave my house and the comment section was where I had most of my human interaction.
Looking back on it now, I was much lonelier than I would ever admit to myself. As for my boyfriend, youtube was like my own little world so we never talked about it and it felt very private and very mine. He is always a shining light for me, but only recently did i let him into this part of my life.
Though I thought my depression had left me alone, something happened that proved I was wrong.
I had done something that was misunderstood, and it was the first feeling of being attacked that I’ve had since the time I was depressed. This misunderstanding caused someone to do something so small and so petty that it shouldnt have bothered me, and writing it here seems so stupid, but it really hurt me. My best friend had left, i had started this new fun creative adventure and every time i logged in i would be met with a small gesture of hate. To them it probably felt like nothing, and looking back on it I should definitely have been able to handle it, but at the time it felt like i had made these special paintings and every day i’d find someone poured a bucket of red paint over each and every one of them. It really sounds so dramatic but I was (or maybe still am) emotionally weak from basically 2 years of emotional abuse and it got deep under my skin.
Everything about this situation was so petty that I didnt want to talk to anyone about it, so I buried it. Then I gave up. It was like someone kept picking on my scab i was trying to ignore and i took the bait. I got angry and acted out, but it was worse because i had the internet and i could be anonymous. And my actions hurt people. I hurt people. And i can never undo what i did or excuse why i did it.
The scariest thing about this was, i was able to completely separate the me that was mean in this one space online, from who i was “in real life.” That person i was being was the opposite of the morals and standards i hold myself to “in real life” even though so much of what i consider my “real life” is online. This is where im going to get confusing because to be honest im still confused.
There was a part of me that felt satisfaction seeing people agree with some mean thing I wrote online at the same time i’d feel totally ashamed and guilty and i couldnt sleep because of what i did.
I know i seem really positive and happy and like a supportive friend and i am, but there was a small part of me that wasn’t or still isnt, i guess, because i know even though im suppressing it, its still there. What was most unhealthy is that i was so sure it was just an internet persona that i didnt consider it to be a part of myself. The person you see on youtube or tumblr or instagram is honestly who i am, its not a fake personality i put on, thats genuinely how i am if you were to meet me on the street. But i refused to accept that that isnt completely me. There’s that 1% of me that is a person i loathe, that im ashamed of, that i wanted to stop being, but part of it felt like such a release to play that role.
I was so ashamed of myself that i couldnt tell anyone. Even my friends that i really trust, it was such a private thing that it almost felt like it was part of another world. Not the reality i lived in. again, confusing but thats just how i felt and honestly still feel a little bit. I didnt want to tell people about it because i didnt want them to think that was who i am, but really it was just i didnt want to admit that that was who i am.
Then one day, it really hit me how badly i had behaved. I felt ashamed and i knew i needed help.
Luckily i have a friend who is understanding. I had lied to her face many times when it came to this dark side of mine. I knew she needed to know and i trusted she would have the best advice and wouldnt sugar coat things for me. And luckily i was right. She listened, and she held me accountable. Now that i finally let someone in and that someone was able to tell me point blank ‘what you’re doing is wrong and unhealthy’ i felt the ability to come forward to the person I hurt. Whether or not they believe me or accept my apology is out of my hands, but now that I know I told the truth, I can begin to move forward.
Now I’m working on figuring out what it was that made me act like that. Why was my reaction to such minor harassment so cowardly? What is it that affected me so strongly? How i behaved makes me feel actually nauseous and I know I will never do that again. I hurt people because i could and thats unacceptable.
With online behavior nowadays especially here on tumblr or youtube, its so easy to be someone you arent. But as you act out that persona long enough you have to accept that its not some persona, its you. Its me. I took those thoughts and words from my own mind and put them out there by my own choice. That rude person is a part of me and i need to deal with it. I think having a great support system around you is important and i lost that now that i have such infrequent contact with my friends.
So if you’re reading all the way through, perhaps its because you’ve felt something like this to? Maybe not taking advantage of online anonymity but maybe you have a small part of your personality that you’re not proud of, that you separate from your true self. I hope you can accept that that is also you and that we all need to work on that if we ever want to grow.
I’m sorry if this is coming out of seemingly nowhere because this is so not my personality, but it is. Its something i am going to deal with and i hope that this inspires anyone else to reflect on some part of themselves they’re ashamed of or distanced from. To accept it as part of you and to grow from it. You cant fix something if you pretend it isnt really there.
Im sorry this was vague and i will feel uncomfortable talking about this with anyone that isnt someone that knows the situation so im not going to answer any comments about this but please see this is as my first step in acknowledging and moving forward. Thank you for listening if you’re still here.
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THIS IS A VENT POST
I recently broke up with my now ex boyfriend don’t read if you don't want to catch my bad vibes or just generally don't want to think about breakups
again this is a vent post I need to post this for my own sake
Hey
How are you?
I hope everything okay
Everyone tells me it was right to break up with you
And I know thats true
But every part of me feels like I made the worst decision losing you
I don’t hate you
I love you
I miss you
Its only been a few days and I don’t think I can handle this anymore
Its only been such a short time and the days are so long
But I can’t break for myself
And I know getting back with you will be worse for both of us
Which is why I cant
I find myself crying anywhere I think of you
In the shower at Walmart in the kitchen and while I’m trying to sleep
Everything reminds me of you
From my computer to my leg hair to thinking about the movies we’ve seen together
I miss going to the movies with you
I loved cuddling with you
Not just at the movies
I loved sleeping in the same bed as you holding each other because we are all we wanted
And it hurts so much that I cant hold you or kiss you anymore
I didn’t show you how much I care
I should have taken you on that date
maybe I should’ve gotten us to hang out more and then we wouldn’t be here
I hope I can move on from this
I know it will take a while
But I know it will get better
but it does hurt that you slept with her right after we broke up
Even if I’m numb
I know that hurt the most
I do want to be friends but I know that thats because I’m afraid of losing you
More
Forever
And isn’t that the scariest part?
having someone so close to you just one day not be in your life anymore
That now I have to move on from what we had
You have to learn to live without someone who you love
And I have to accept that?
I could barely accept the fact that I had to break up with you
A year isn’t a long time but some people say it is
But its a short time to be with someone like you
You’re honestly the best person i’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting
You’re funny and kind
You have such beautiful hands and eyes
You knew what to say to help me when I needed someone.
You always were there for me
Even when I didn’t feel like existing
You’re headstrong
And you know how to feel your feelings when your feelings are confusing
And honestly you’re pretty understanding
So much has happened
I graduated
You moved
I got a job
You moved back
My cats died
You got a new cat
we were always here for each other even when we couldn’t think of how to do that
Someone told me you were a bad boyfriend
I don’t think thats true
I think you were a good boyfriend
I just think you didn’t want to change the things you’re doing
not for you
And especially not for me
I guess thats what hurt the most
Is that we cant be together for you to change
But I genuinely hope you do
For you now
Instead of me
We both need to work on ourselves
I know you said that if you knew you would lose me you would have changed
That broke my heart
It wasn’t like that
we cant have a relationship where your’e scared of losing me thats why you change
You have to want to change for you
Sometimes it just doesn’t work out
we both fucked up
…
I hope you come out to your parents
They love you so much I can see that
So can you
I love your mom please hug her every day you can and know she loves you so much
And I hope you stop endangering your life
And go to college like you always wanted
I know you can do it
I never doubted you
I just hope you love yourself enough to do it
…
I love you
I think I always will
And I hope you get better
and every day it will hurt not being able to be here for you
But I hope that one day when we’re ready we can be friends
But not for a while though
Its going to hurt for a long time
For the both of us
I have to change alot of things now
like your contacts or move your stuffed animals somewhere it doesn’t hurt as much
…
I love you
With all my heart
I hope you work on yourself
For you
Ill work on myself too
For me
Stay strong dude
Don’t do anything you’ll regret later
Maybe I’ll talk to you later.
but its going to be a bit
Take care of yourself
* **** ***
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bored n sad
1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED?- idc
2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS?- no
3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT?- out i hate when theyre in
4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE?- no
5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES?- i like them as bookmarks and sometimes ill have to do lists on them
6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM?- occasionally
7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES?- bear
8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES?- no
9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES?- eh
10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE?- when people are late
11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK?- all the time
12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS?- probably
13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS?- no
14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING?- eh
15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS?- no
16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK?- 0
17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED?- twin xl
18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK?- new york by st vincent
19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK?- sure
20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS?- yeah
21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE?- idk
22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME?- my bank account
23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER?- water
24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN?- i dont eat meat
25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD?- croissants
26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE?- foodfight (2012)
27. LAST PERSON YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU?- nah
28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT?- no
29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE?- not at the moment
30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER?- yeah
31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR?- i cant even drive
32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET?- no
33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS?- no
34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH?- not a fan
35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST?- pancakes
36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME?- anytime
37. ARE YOU LAZY?- not really
38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN?- idk
39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN?- boar
40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK?- uh the closest to being fluent was italian but i used to be able to half speak spanish and latin
41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS?- used to have a fourfourtwo one but not anymore
42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS?- legos
43. ARE YOU STUBBORN?- only when im right
44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN?- idc
45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS?- no
46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS?- no
47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR?- no
48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?- no
49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR?- no
50. EVER USED A GUN?- no
51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER?- senior pictures in high school
52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY?- yeah
53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL?- yeah
54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI?- not since i was like 6
55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE?- i dont eat pie
56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?- soccer player or vet
57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?- eh
58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING?- sure
59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY?- not currently
60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS?- no
61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE?- no
62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED?- usually sweatpants and a tshirt
63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT?- not counting music festivals i think owl city/maroon 5/vv brown
64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART?- target
65. NIKE OR ADIDAS?- abibas
66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS?- pringles
67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS?- i dont like either
68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN?- idk
69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS?- we had to take a dance class in 5th grade and we learned choreography to a high school musical song
70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING?- no
71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE?- yeah
72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE?- no
73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY?- yeah
74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS?- several
75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER?- yeah
76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE?- no
77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?- hm
78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT?- tbh ive seen all my favorite favorite bands i think, but maybe hop along
79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW?- saintseneca/yuck
80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA?- coffee
81. TEA OR COFFEE?- coffee
82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES?- either
83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL?- well enough
84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE?- yeah
85. ARE YOU PATIENT?- you could say that
86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING?- im not a fan of weddings
87. EVER WON A CONTEST?- yeah
88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY?- no
89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES?- i dont eat olives
90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET?- no
91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE?- no room
92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?- not really
93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?
94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH?- someone that turned out to be a hardcore republican but i didnt know that at the time
95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY?- no
96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?- i have dogs
97. DO YOU WANT KIDS?- no
98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? - bue
99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW?- not really
Tell me the 3 best things about you.- im reliable, thats all i can think of
On a scale of 1-10, how strict are/were your parents?- they werent strict with me because i was well behaved and did well in school so probably like 1-2
Who was your worst teacher? Why?- my ap english teacher probably
Who was your favorite teacher? Why?- i like my archaeology professor
Which would you pick: being world-class attractive, a genius or famous for doing something great?- idk
Who are the 3 greatest living musicians?- joanna newsom
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?- everything
What was your favorite toy growing up?- idk
Name 3 celebrities you most admire.- i dont really care about celebrities
Name a celebrity you think is lame.
What accomplishment are you most proud of?- i guess being about to graduate college
Which of your friends are you proudest of? Why?- not really sure who considers me a friend anymore
What’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever been?- barcelona
What are your 3 favorite movies?- foodfight, foodfight, foodfight
Which historical figure would you like to be?- dont care
What’s the right age to get married?- whenever you want to
Tell me 3 things you remember about kindergarten.- i could probably name at least half my classmates
What paper that you’ve written are you most proud of?- ive only written 3? maybe 4 papers all throughout college and im not really proud of any of them they were just assignments to me
What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?- black raspberry or nutterbutter
What’s your favorite holiday?- im not a holiday guy
If you could eat only 3 foods for the rest of your life, what would they be?- i basically already do that
If you could be a cartoon character for a week, who would you be?- thats a good question but im not gonna answer it
What’s one choice you really regret?- several choices i made around age 13
What’s a great book you’ve read recently?- i havent read a real book in a few years :-(
Do you feel like a leader or a follower?- more of a leader
If you could ask your pet 3 questions, what would they be?- why are you a rat
What’s the most courageous thing you’ve ever done?- not die
Who would play you in a movie of your life?- me
If you could be an Olympic athlete, in what sport would you compete?- idk i guess soccer or tennis maybe snowboarding
If you had to live in a different state, what would it be?- ive lived in 3 states
What living person, other than family members, do you most admire?- hm
What has been your favorite family vacation?- honestly probably random places in Pennsylvania thats vague but those are usually fun
If you could choose your own nickname, what would it be?- idk
Who is the funniest person you know?- some guy from high school
What’s your favorite thing about one of your grandparents?- my grandma is wild
Do you ever talk to yourself? When and what do you say?- not out loud
When you’re having a bad day, what do you do to make yourself feel better?- suffer
What’s your favorite smell in the whole world?- i cant smell well my nose doesnt work
What do you think is the greatest invention of all time?- computers
Using one word, how would you describe your family?- mess
Would you rather win an Olympic medal, an Academy Award or the Nobel Peace prize?- nobel but not the peace prize
What’s your favorite time of day?- afternoon
What’s your favorite season?- fall
What’s the one food you could never bring yourself to eat?- i dont eat most things
If you could ask the President one question, what would it be?- fuck you
If you could pick a new first name, what would it be?- theres a couple i have in mind
What’s your dream job?- i wish i knew
Cake or pie?- cake
What’s the best part about having siblings?- someone to play vidya games with
What is the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?- i dont watch scary movies
If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be?-italy
What is your favorite family tradition?- we dont have many
Who’s your celebrity crush?- eyes emoji
What trait do you like the most about yourself?- hm
What are you good at?- school
What fictional character do you wish you could meet?- theres a long list
What’s the first thing you do when you get home from a trip?- sleep
Would you rather spend five days exploring Disney or New York City?- disney since i live near nyc and hate it
Whose parents do/did you wish you had?- what
If you could shop for free at one store, which one would you choose?- probably an electronics store
What personal trait has gotten you in the most trouble?- im kind of blunt without realizing it idk if thats a personality trait
Who is your favorite athlete?- who do you think
Would you rather be the most popular kid in school or the smartest kid in school?- i was close to the latter already
What do you like to do on a rainy day?- sleep
What is your favorite thing about the beach?- idk the beach makes me sad these days
If you could be anywhere else right now, where would it be?- asleep
What is your favorite Disney movie?- lilo and stitch
If someone made a movie of your life would it be a drama, a comedy, a romantic-comedy, action film, or science fiction?- dark comedy
Name a product or service you love so much that you’d happily be that company’s spokesperson.- probably none
If you were guaranteed to be successful in a different profession, what would you want to do?- i wish i knew
What’s the worst thing you did as a kid?- something i deeply regret
What is your favorite day of the week?- thursday
Which super power would you like to have and why?- shape shifting
3, If you were a bicycle, what part would you be?- the brakes
4If you were a t-shirt, what colour would you be and why?- black
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2018 .
another year down .. it went by very fast didnt it ? time is going by even faster .
2017 was a year full of roller coasters .. a lot of ups , but equally as many downs . i usually reflect my year in Dec/Jan so here it goes .
January: I started school again . BIG step , considering i was out for 2 years before then . i remember how excited yet nervous i was . im so glad i did it . It was also the month that my good friend from high school , Brandon , told me that he was getting deployed (he’s in the army) in Feb . i was scared , but all i could do was pray for him to come back home alive . he came back home last month (Dec 2017) safe and sound . i thanked God for watching over him . unfortunately , a few days later , my dad got a heart attack .. now THAT was the scariest moment of my life . i still remember that day very clearly . it haunts me every time . ill never forget the sight of my dad holding his chest , sliding down the couch , and grabbed my hand for his life , grasping for breathe . after 3 days being in the hospital , he was discharged with meds and a new plan for his diet . my mom was by herself at work so my siblings and i had to go out to help while my dad was in the hospital . i knew how scared she gets when shes by herself . my dad and i werent on good terms for a year until this moment happened . i guess we both realized that life is so short and that anything could happen in a second . more importantly , im so glad he’s okay til this day . On a happier note , that was also the month that i purchased my first firearm ! so bad ass right ? The beginning of the year was rough , but it got better !
February: Had dinner with Brandon and Aimee b4 he got deployed . Again , i prayed for his safety . I went to a concert (william singe and alex aiono) , which was so fun . Not much happened that month . Had a valentine’s day dinner with the girls and with an old friend .
March: this month was important because thats when i found that my sister was having a boy!! amazing news right ? and i could finally be an aunt ! I also watched the Lion King on broadway . i think thats a pretty cool thing to mention , right ? it was such a good show !
April: Finals month ... ugh . also my bday month .. didnt do anything cuz all my finals were on the week of my bday . Got my car fixed that month too after that bad car accident . ugh .
May: went to a friend’s dowry , did my first 5K bubble run , went to a house warming party , picked up my mom from her 2 week vacation . she deserved it . Did i mention it was the first semester that i start a nursing course ? nerve-wracking!!
June: My sister’s baby shower . SO FUN ! i decorated everything and bought this beautiful cake . everything was obviously blue :) i also remember having A LOT of exams back to back . not fun at all .
July: My nephew was born .. it was the best day ever . it changed my life . i am an auntie !! he made everyone so happy and everyone was so happy to see him . it was nice to see my whole family together and happy . I also went to a really fun wedding that month .
August: After a brutal semester and final , I WENT TO LA !! its been forever since ive been on vacation !! i prefer to go with friends , but i went with my siblings . ups and down on that trip and wouldnt wanna travel again with them unless my parents were there . lesson learned and long story . still have pictures that i havent posted from that trip !
September: went to birthday dinners , a wedding , apartment warmings , a “bachelor” party (lol) and started school again . This was also the month that one of the doctors at DH passed away from breast cancer . it was a very gloomy time for my coworkers . i wasnt at work when everyone found out , but ive heard about it . everyone didnt want to work . the atmosphere completely changed . I went to her funeral , but only the beginning part . instead of being sad , we celebrated her life as a doctor and her passion for her career . it was a sad time and the world lost such a talented person . RIP Dr. Stanfield. at the end of the month my friend dan got married at city hall , which was everything he wanted . didnt have to spend a lot of money at all !
October: My friend threw a huge house party for his birthday . parties are not like they use to be . but because most of the ppl there were older , there wasnt much drinking or playing games , which was the sucky part . no one really wanted to do anything . not sure why , but it is what it is . Also did a photoshoot that month , which i havent done in a long time . forgot how much fun it was .
November: Ughhhh drama month out of all the other months , only because this girl is totally obsessed with her ex and hes literally the only thing she talks about . basically we went to the club and she KNEW he was gonna be there yet she decided to come with us . okay . she sees him , starts freaking out , gets all dramatic like “OMG he totally saw me” type of dramatic . it actually went as far as “i could get him kicked out RIGHT NOW if i wanted . i KNOW the bouncers here , dont test me” yeup .. DRAMA . it was entertaining at the same time . my mistake was that she could handle herself . no , she was totally sloppy and even fell.. in front of her ex .. nbd -.- GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER . i stopped hanging out with her .. i couldnt handle it the negative vibes . she came to the thanksgiving party the week after and of course she brought that weekend back and started venting about how she saw her ex and shit . i honestly didnt care . Anyways , thanksgiving with the sister’s in laws was alright . there was some questionable food that i had no idea what the mom was cooking though .. it was some weird things .
December: went to a holiday party , met and saw some friends . it was a good time ! that was also the month that i thought i was gonna fail but ended up passing in the end . THANK GOD . the whole week after the final , i literally went out every day to go drink . you can tell how much stress i was under . lol . i noticed that i was getting a cough , so i cooled down on the drinking after that week . figured i should take care of myself right ? i watched a cirque du soleil show . fantastic as usual . My friend duy asked me to part of this pageant because there was not enough girls .. hmm ... well i didnt wanna just compete because there werent a lot of girls .. so he sat me down and literally gave me a power point show as to why i should join . LOL . i appreciated the time and effort , so id do it for a friend in need . it’ll be fun ! maybe not intense as miss massachusetts but it’ll be a good experience . a big accomplishment that month was when i went snowboarding for the first time in my life !! omg it was so much more fun that i thought it was ! i was hesitant to go because my student that passed away from a snowboarding accident (RIP) , but i couldnt be afraid forever .. it was for him :)
And nooow .. we are in January !! crazy how much has happened in a year .. my resolution this year , besides spending time with my brother , is be more carefree and not care what other ppl think . i think i need to focus on being happy instead of trying to please others . i was told by someone .. that i should be myself more and ppl will see how fun/funny i am . haha , maybe i should ! i will def try . ive kept my guard up for a long time around a lot of ppl and i know ill regret it 50 years from now when im old . im gonna wish i was myself more .
as for you .. yes you .. you know exactly who you are .. i left a section specifically for you . its been a while .. a long while actually . you may or may not still read my .. “journal” .. i might just be writing this for no one to read and now one will ever see , but i guess ill never know . and its okay . even though youre not here anymore and you may not ever be anymore , im living my life the best way that i can , going through life like i never knew you . has it been hard ? yes . am i forgetting our memories ? .. i might have .. i mightve even forgotten what you look like . i dont go on your social media and you are prob doing the same . i think of you from time and time , but not in the way that you think . in a way that i hope you are doing well and only sending you positive vibes . i still pray for you and ask you to be watched over . anyways . i know youre mad .. and i understand . you’ll always have a hold of me .. but eventually .. i have to let that go .. or at least i have to learn how to . i miss our friendship , but i guess if i care about you that much .. i cant be selfish anymore . and i promise that after this , i wont be writing about you anymore .. it’ll all just disappear eventually .. my wish to you is to find happiness . i hope you can promise me that .. take care of yourself .
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excerpts from nick and demi’s gh conversation october 9 - 10
..are you sure you’re ok though?
no
Talk to me
What’s going on? I mean..besides the obvious stuff
i m just so fucking tired
i cant think straight
i have all my fucking sleeping pills out i wanna take all of them
i dont wanna do this anymore
im tiredive been cryin gfor fifteen minutes
i just want to be donewith everything
youre the only thing keeping me here
Nick please talk to me. What’s been going on? I know there’s more..whatever it is though it doesn’t have to end like that...I can help you..let me help you nick please.
that and i dont wanna go to hell
I can’t loose you
and i cant tell you
You’re not going to go to hell
i am if i kill myself
my dad says
then just keep talking to me..just..don’t do anything..
i love you and you know that but it doesnt feel like enough right now
cause it feels so bad
demetria it feels so bad
i havent heard from my family in four days
none of them
i miss my fucking dog
im not making a difference
and thats okay
i think everyone would be better without me anyway
I know it feels bad, but it’s not forever nick....you have to trust me...You do make a difference
then when does it stop
because the thing i cant tell you about? im in way too fucking deep
my life is over
It’s never too late Nick..even if you hit rock bottom , you can still get up.It’s not going to happen over night. Your life isn’t over...it’s far from over
i cant, i cant
you dont understand
Help me understand..please..I can help you nick
If you let me
you can't. no one can
i want to go home
i want to sleep and i want to go home and i want to start over
i want to go back and not fuck things up with olivia
i know you didnt like her but god i miss her so bad it hurts
i want to say no to something i never should have said yes to in the first place
i want to see elvis
i want joe to stop hating me
i wanna see my parents
i'm not a guy with a lot of regrets. you know this. but right now there's a huge list and i'm so tired i'm so tired...
It doesn’t matter really what I thought of her , you loved her and of course it’ll hurt..it’s ok to have regrets though...it’s ok to not be ok...There are things you can and can’t change , the past doesn’t have to control you though..there are so many things I wish I could’ve changed , said no too..or what not...I really wish I could take all this pain away
It kills me knowing I can’t do more..I just care about you so much. If I seem pushy , or whatever that’s why..
i know im sorry i just cant
i dont want you to hate me too
if i lose you i have nothing
I’ll never hate you
I couldn’t
might be surprised
i just wanna take the pills
i need to sleep but i dont wanna wake up
im fucking exhausted
my mom always used to say things would be better in the morning
but what if they aren't?
They might not be , I can’t promise they.It might not be better for awhile
then i dont want to be alive for it
But it does get better
im going
i lov eyou, demi
Nick please don’t
I love you too
Please nick
Nick?
demi, wait
Nick please don’t do anything
I’m crying I can’t loose you
I can’t
I just can’t
i dont want to die i just want it all to stop
how do i make it stop
if it helps im crying too ive been crying this whole time
i fucking hate this
im so fucking tired
i think i'm just tired but ive been telling myself im fine and im not fine
im not fine
this isnt me
ive never pulled this shit before
Can you let me help you? I want to help you..you have to give me any details..just..let me help you get better. You don’t have to do this alone.You didn’t let me go through it alone
I can’t let you go through it alone
i have to
But you don’t...
i remembered something good though
What is it?
when i was like sixteen or maybe fifteen and we were doing some tour with disney i got like this
just so fucking tired
i wasnt checking my levels and i couldnt eat right and i felt sick to my stomach all the time
and this one night it came to a head - like now
and we were packing up and trying to leave the arena. idk if you were still there or not but i locked myself in the green room and i wouldn't come out and i wouldn't let anybody in
kevin was the one that found me and he went and got my parents and i wouldnt let them in and then i guess somebody went and got joseph cause he came. and i opened the door for him cause, you know. he's my person.
and i was just like, bawling. i couldn't breathe. and we went back to the bus and i got in bed and no one woke me up and afterwards it was kinda like i reset.
it took a day or two more before i was back to normal but i think i just, like. got to my breaking point and i needed sleep more than anything
i think that's where i'm at right now
i'm so tired
i think i feel like this cause im tired
that probably sounds so stupid
but nothing makes sense right now
thats the first moment of real clarity ive had in days
~
I love you, Demi
You’re the best
Thanks for listening to all of that ugh I’m so sorry
Two nights in a row I’ve probably given you a heart attack. And made you cry. I’m sorry.
I love you too Nick
I care about you so much you’re my world. You don’t need to be sorry
Can I ask you something? It’s related but kinda unrelated
I was just going to ask if like if I made you feel the way like I am now whenever I was going through my stuff before rehab
What do you mean?
Like panic and crying and stuff?
I mean just like how I feel worried , was that how you felt? Because I know I probably shut you out a million times & probably gave you a million heart attacks
I still don’t remember much from then
I wish I did
I remember going back to a hotel room one night with Joseph and I was crying and crying because I was scared out of my mind. He didn’t say anything, but he sat next to me and just listened to me cry and he knew exactly why I was upset
You seemed good for weeks sometimes
And then I’d see cuts on you all of a sudden or I’d see you staring at yourself in the mirror weird or those days you wouldn’t get out of bed and when you finally did you were yelling at everyone
And I was trying so hard to understand why you were upset with me
I thought back, every moment, trying to figure it out
And then later finding out it was true that it wasn’t my fault after my parents had been telling me over and over... that was the biggest relief
Because I didn’t understand. I could never wrap my head around it
But through all of it the thing that upset me most was knowing that you were going through hell and I was completely powerless
Even Joseph couldn’t make you laugh
You wouldn’t eat. You wouldn’t sleep
I...I don’t know
It was intense. And we never knew in the morning which Demetria was gonna be onstage that night
We loved you through it all but we were scared
I think for me that I was so scared that I loved you harder, you know?
I thought if I was nice enough or brave enough or funny enough you could get better
And then I started to see that it wasn’t working
So then it became WHEN is she going to pass out cause she’s not eating? WHEN is she going to get caught snorting coke? WHEN is she going to cut too deep? It wasn’t whether you were or not anymore, it was when. That’s why I was crying in the hotel. Cause I knew you were going to kill yourself. I just didn’t know when.
I had this dream once that you were dead
You slashed your wrists in a hotel room and I found you and I woke up crying
So yes. Yes, living through that was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced.
But it just made me love you more
I honestly was so sick back then..it’s like I wasn’t even in control , it’s so..weird how it’s such a blur to me. I know I was pretty terrible at most points. I don’t think want to remember any of that..I do remember though you always being there for me even when I probably didn’t deserve it at some points. That part of my life almost feels like a dream ironically..i..mean even though I have had relapses..I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that bad again. I wouldn’t want too.It feels like a dream to me too.
If you were even starting to get like that, I would step in. Please know that. I’ll never forget those warning signs.
I remember being so emotional the first time we reunited in 2012 when I walked invited you to my set because it was the first time we saw each other before I left the tour to go to rehab. Seeing you in person again and just..knowing I’d have you in my life again pushed me to keep fighting
I do appreciate that
Oh I’ll never, ever forget that
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If the process was meant to be pretty, there would be no reason for the breaking
the thing that i am learning now is that the process is ugly. the process forces you to come face to face with the ugly truths, and lies that live deep in your soul. some examples of what i mean by “ugly truths” would be... i struggled with fear and anxiety. i also have overcame depression, (and just a good sidenote, i have learned to say “i am” instead of “i’m trying to, or i deal with” because thru Jesus i know that i already have overcame these battles because He has won them for me. also my brother Alvin brought that to my attention as well. he said he has been working on saying i am, or just doing things that he would normally put “try” next too. he motivated me to do the same.) i realized that i didn’t know who i really was because i took on so many different identities from sifting through so many different people in my life, trying to live up to their standards and how they saw me instead of being who i am and having them take it as is, or leave and let me be. i realized that i allowed people to have large pieces of my soul and it left me with barely anything for myself. i realized that i was a mess. and that it is okay to be that mess. because i am learning that God’s grace covers our mess. He cleans us and he is not intimidated with how broken or messy we are. in His eyes, He sees the mess, its undeniably there, but i love Him because he looks past it and He only focuses on WHO He originally created. the original beautiful and perfect image of His creation. the original form of who He created us to be. all of that, the REAL YOU. that is who He sees. that’s what the process is about. getting back or just getting to that person. ( honestly, i can say there are two parts in the breaking. well two sides, i likes sides better than parts because there are many, many parts to the process as long as you live on this earth. the ugly and the beauty of the ugly. but thats for another time.)
the lies that dwell inside your soul and the mind. those can be the hardest things to face sometimes because, for me, it seems as if lies were being told constantly from the time i was born until december so almost my whole life. everything that you thought was true, everything that you knew to be true about the people around you who say they “love” you. everything that you thought was true about your identity, it was all a lie. coming face to face with those lies were definitely apart of the scariest, darkest moments that i’ve been in. it was so scary to me because everything was stripped away from me. the perception of who my family was, broken. my identity, shredded. and i realized now that it was only devastating to me because i associated my identity with other people around me. i never got to full discover who i was because i was always told. i was always given and i could never find, because the moment i got curious and wanted to do things my own way, i was ridiculed for it, i was told i was selfish. but if you have to get selfish to journey, to process. discovering who you are does require a bit of selfishness. if not, then you will never have an authentic story to tell. you’ll never be authentic. only a duplicate. (and one thing i will say is that true love is never manipulative, its never controlling, its never fearful. that is not love. that is a perverted love. that is manipulation. and again, that is for another post, but that is what it is.) un-programming all the lies about myself, who i thought i was, what and who i thought i needed, “values” i had to unlearn because they weren’t good moral values but simply fancy ways to keep you disillusioned and chained to links of brokenness, all of this seemed so scary and hard but He had to remind me of who’s and who i really am.
HE had to remind me that there is no such thing as too broken. there is no such thing as too messy for Him to handle. His hands are big enough to hold my brokenness and fix it at the same time, while fixing yours too. trust is what this boils downs to. the questions came to me. are you sure you really trust the God you read about and sing about and pray to every day? are you seriously sure that you believe in Him? because the process will test your trust and faith in Jesus the Creator. I am being stretched to lengths i didn’t even know existed for me. yes this process is also humbling as well. (for another post yet again and again, sorry) I feel my spirit becoming stronger, i feel my mind turning and being transformed. standards are being set. things that i found acceptable are no longer so in my eyes, my language is changing. my expectations are transforming. the challenge to think bigger and broader. i am expelling negativity as soon as it shows its signs drawing near. with His help, i am taking my mind back and i am making thoughts of purity, loveliness, grace, and Truth dance repeatedly in my brain on a daily basis. no matter how many times of day i need that reminder, i allow myself to be reminded of those things. the negative thoughts only become subject to something higher. you cant just make them go away and not fill that spot with something else because they will feel as if they can come back and dwell in your mind since nothing greater has filled that area. the truth will always triumph over lies. knowing your truth is so important because it is your weapon against the negative powers of satan.
the process was not meant to be beautiful, it was meant to break the beautiful lies and for you to face your ugly truth, to be transformed by the goodness of His truth.
#prttywaves#my blog#blogger#bloggers#Black Bloggers#writers#Black Writers#february9th#healing process#personal
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