so so sick of being yelled at for being depressed

Food and sharing food continues to be a recurring motif in “tied together”. What was your thought process around that? How do you see that connecting to some of the central themes and concepts in the story as a whole? (And, if you would like to go into this, how do you see food and sharing food playing out in the messy au where David will also be cooking but in a completely different context/power dynamic?)

HAHAHAHA! I CAN FINALLY TALK ABT THIS WITHOUT SEEMING LIKE F SCOTT FITZGERALD BEGGING PEOPLE TO KNOW WHAT THE GREAT GATSBY WAS!!!!!

okay. im calm now.

so for a couple years now i have deeply and secretly loved the concept of food as a symbol for community. i didnt use it in fic for a long time for a variety of reasons. one, it just never really felt right. two, my love of this symbol is very much connected to my southern-ness, and while im sure many people have just as strong, if not stronger connections between food and community, i didnt really know if people reading my stuff would Get It or connect w it.

i finally decided to use it for tied together for two reasons. first, this is my most definitively southern fic. ive written other fics with Humid Small Town Energy but this is my first that i really let myself go “fuck it. crawfish boils. hurricanes. middle aged women with crushes on jim cantore.” as such, it felt like if i was going to go for this symbol at any point, it needed to be with this fic. the second is that due to Pandemic and also living across the country from the majority of the family i grew up with, i have been kind of starved of community experiences as of late. i wrote tied together entirely during a period when i havent spent time with anyone besides my immediate family, so i was really thinking about community and the nature of it and how fucking badly i wanna have a massive meal with people and hence... this symbol

with the background of my decision to include it covered, let’s get into how it appears in tied together!!

in chapter one, the majority of food’s appearances are... impersonal, if that makes sense? its all premade, whether its drive-through stuff, tv dinners, etc etc, and he doesnt know the person who made it. its also worth pointing out that around the time jack and his mom stop sharing meals is the point they become disconnected from each other. essentially, that’s the disconnect from community throughout jack’s early life

davey comes around and it. is pretty obvious from the start that, through this symbol, he is the Literal Embodiment Of Connection To The People Around Him. food was a really key way for me to show just how connected he is to his community-- he’s constantly cooking for other people, working for battalion, helping people get good food, contributing recipes to little cookbooks. the end chapter also nods to this in the scene w his family where esther mentions he made her teach him to cook for a group, and the conversation afterwards where he mentions that he wouldn’t be comfortable with people paying him to make them food or making food for strangers. cooking for other people is essentially davey’s way of nurturing the community around him and becoming closer with people, so to make food in an impersonal way goes against everything he knows about food and sharing it. the interactions he has through food represent the larger relationships and interactions he has within his community. juxtaposed to jack, he’s built this little world around him filled with people that he loves and cares for, even if that does lay a heavy burden on him at points. if i ever write something delving deeper into davey in this au, i’ll elaborate further-- but, essentially, davey’s role as The Provider of food for the people around him was a real stand-in for the way that he feels both within his family and his larger community.

think of it this way-- in all the scenes we see with davey cooking at a large event-- i.e., the crawfish boil-- he’s always pushed off to the side by that. there’s usually someone talking to him or checking in on the food, but he’s not able to be engaged in the larger hubbub and discussion of the party because he’s busy. it’s in providing food for people and sharing that with him that he gets fulfillment out of the experience. in his family, we see that davey is a little bit isolated. he was growing up at the exact time when mayer’s alcoholism was getting worse and hitting its peak, and he left before mayer ever really managed to get very far into recovery. his time in their house, essentially, was a lot of heavy lifting and few moments of solidarity and joy. he loves his family, of course, it’s just a very labor-intensive process. and then, of course, he has a similar experience to what a lot of southern marginalized people feel-- this intense need to care for and better your community when your community very frequently doesn’t care for you. davey has absolutely zero capacity for apathy in this au, and it definitely shines through with this whole dynamic. he works SO HARD to care for people, even if he isnt always able to fully enjoy being around them and being loved by them

and then, of course, you have the way davey and jack interact through this motif-- davey teaches jack how to cook, gives him a cookbook, invites him over for meals, etc etc. sharing that with him essentially represents welcoming jack into his community as a whole, and giving him a place there. jack mentions davey “clearing a spot at the table” for him, and that’s both literal and figurative.

additionally, while davey uses food as a way to bring jack into his community, jack also makes davey a little less isolated. in a lot of the scenes in chapter 5, theyre cooking together, in a very domestic, symbiotic sort of way. i wanted this to demonstrate how jack relieves some of the burden davey puts on himself and exists sort of Within davey’s bubble rather than just reaping the benefits

i also wanted to illustrate with this how jack repairing his relationship w food keys into this. obviously we have the disconnect that he has early on where his unfamiliarity w what he eats and who makes it represents a larger disconnect between him and the people around him, but jack does also absolutely use food as a coping mechanism and a crutch. not to get, again, TOTALLY gatsby here, but he’s chasing that sense of community and belonging and understanding in the wrong places. it’s once he begins to actually make food for himself and understand the process of it and be able to carry something through to completion that he’s able to actually Enjoy food, yknow? i wanted that to mirror the way throughout the earlier parts of his life that he tried to kind of slap up temporary relationships and make do with that. 

side note about jack and food: jack has undiagnosed adhd (and some vague comorbidities rip) in this au, and his experiences with it i preeeetttty heavily lifted from my life and my special brand of fucked in the head. (for those of you who don’t know, carb and sugar cravings are a symptom of adhd, hence why food is often a coping mechanism for us fhskdhs). cooking and baking are processes that have REALLY helped me get a handle on myself-- it gives me an outlet for movement and stimulation, and its something that i can carry through till the end and get an actual end product that i can recognize and benefit from. plus, real time consequences if i let something do whatever for ten more minutes! so thats another element i added to the way that jack builds healthier coping mechanisms over time-- he moves away from food as a crutch and instead develops a new form of CREATING that gives him an outlet and a feeling of productivity

those are some Vague thoughts. i will probably elaborate in the future!

now, for the messy au, rather than food symbolizing community, i chose to have it represent vulnerability.

a quick review: jack married rich, and davey is jack’s new wife’s cook. on his wife, dorothy’s part, i wanted this to shine through in this squeaky clean, pristine image that a lot of rich people try to craft. she never cooks for herself, never pays much attention to davey, never draws attention to him. in essence, she is creating as few weak spots as possible-- she refuses to be vulnerable to the people and the society around her.

with davey, however, his and his family’s livelihood depends on him cooking for this woman, and later for her and her husband. he’s forced into this position of extreme vulnerability and weakness by his financial situation, and cant really regain his sense of privacy or self because of that. its also a point in this story that he has very little time or wherewithal to cook for his FAMILY. so, his job forces him into a vulnerable situation with complete strangers who hold an upper hand over him but denies him the opportunity to be vulnerable with his own family, only reinforcing this idea that he is the protector and the provider and as such cannot have weak spots and cannot, under any circumstances, break

it also really highlights the difference between jack’s relationship with his wife vs with davey and smalls-- all the scenes of he and dorothy eating together are in grand, fancy rooms, with a certain amount of pomp and circumstance and dignity attached. with davey and smalls, though, he’s usually in the kitchen, having conversation, enjoying their company, helping them with menial things. that’s an environment that he’s used to and comfortable with, the kind of relationships and interactions he grew up with, while the stuffiness of his life and interactions with dorothy are entirely less vulnerable and close

that’s just a brief overview, but its something to look for when i finally finish the fic! it definitely started as a very soapy sort of thing, but my damn instincts pushed me to delve deeper into the characters and their relationships and the fucked-up-ness of it all. so, here we are

i really hope this helped!!!! this is not organized AT ALL so please tell me if there’s anything else you wanted to know or any details you noticed

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

Constellations Ask Game: Andromeda, Aquarius, Aries, Corvus, Draco, Gemini, Hydra, Libra, Lyra, Pyxis, Taurus, Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, Canis Minor, Crux, Indus, Lupus, Puppis, and lastly Virgo

hehe

Project Asks:

Andromeda - Describe your main charactersahhh im so bad at thisary: scarred, pstd-ridden, 25 year old mage. cold, calculated, a compulsive liarcyri: my bby sunshine, naive and kind, living up to unrealistic expectations set by his fatherash: a kings daughter, confused between whats right and what she has to uphold, snarky, gaycaena: old, short and angry about it, princess, last of her house, thinks herself above all other rulers Aquarius - Who’s your least favorite character to write?ash because i havent explored her as much as the others. like i know her, but since i dont know a lot about politics or royal happenings shes hard to figure out. i have a lot of qs about her in my notebookAries - Share a line that you’re proud of!i have to open my fuckn docs grumblegrumble“Z looked extremely young for her age, as though she had spent the last decade soaking in a bath and eating fruit instead of leading her men into battle like the warmongering tyrant she was.”Corvus - Who or what is the villain of the story?there are multiple, everyone in any sort of power tbh. rebel!Draco - Who’s your favorite character to write?i have a soft spot for cyri bc his softness and kindness is so rare to find in real life and i jus wanna protect himGemini - What inspired you to write this project?well, i was sitting at the dining table eating back when i was 17? and i was thinking about prisoner tropes. then i thought how it would be cool to have an opening scene where the mc is released from prison. and there u go.Hydra - Tell us why you love your project.ive been working on it for 5 fucking years now if i didnt love it id be crazyLibra - Which relationship dynamic do you enjoy writing the most?ary and cyri. originally they were lovers and some of that instant close connection still lingers with them, ary is v soft with him lmao but so are the rest. those damn green eyesLyra - Give us a few songs that fit your project!unbecoming-starsetmasquerade-tokio hotelblue-troye sivanPyxis - Are there any major themes or messages you’re writing to show?i mean theres the typical writing themes, but ive never been able to write messages or morals. maybe just that ‘the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb’Taurus - Tell us why you hate your project.it just keeps evolving and has so many subtleties and nuances that i dont think im good enough to write ughUrsa Major - What scene are you looking forward to writing?some bonding moments between the crew! i dont have friends so idk how to write group friendships but im gonna try Ursa Minor - What’s the setting?high-fantasy, medieval inspired

Writer Asks:Canis Minor - Share an excerpt of old writing and new writing to see how far you’ve come!oh shit ok okokokone of the earlier drafts:They packed, for they would not return. Ary shovelled everything in messily, while Cyri took his time. They tramped down the stairs after Cyri had insisted straightening the beds to look neat. The bar was empty, as it was midmorning, only the barmaid stood wiping the bench. She glanced up once, caught Ary’s eye and looked away fearfully.Ary’s heart skipped in her chest. Had the beggars frequented The Badger’s Inn and told tales of what had transpired? Would soldiers rain down on them? Yet nothing came. Cyri opened the door and gestured for her to go first, with nothing but a pleasant expression. She nodded thanks and slipped into the bright daylight. The city had not changed.new stuff:In the centre of the city, visible from all angles Ary guessed, were three huge obsidian towers, knife points against the sky. The Queen’s towers. From what she had heard by Arch prisoners, was that she never left those towers, appearing only through a balcony for celebrations of worship. Gargoyles littered buildings, cracked and weather-beaten. As they walked, they came across numerous churches and places of worship, all depicting Queen Z in various poses suggesting dominance, power, and wealth.The fountains were iced over, overgrown vines dipping into the water and stuck there. Debris and rubbish covered the ground to the point the group had to pick their way across the street, jumping over things.ive tried so fucking hard to improve my description sobCrux - Villains or Heroes?uh both, both can be done well. i dont really have a preference anymore, especially since anti-heroes are so big rn. its more about the character than the archetypeIndus - Are there any characters or stories you miss writing? Tell us about them!lmao well my ol girl cara who was in a comic when i was 13 never stopped pestering me so i put her with some other newer extra characters from another project into a new project but idk what that is yet.Lupus - Have you abandoned other WIPs? Tell us about some and why you abandoned them?what HAVENT i abandoned holy fuck. i had several vampire things, dystopian things [i started writing regularly when those themes were popular], a lot of contemporary things??? i dont write contemporary the fuck.Puppis - Give us a piece of advice! (about anything)anything you say?????? youre always overestimating the consequences. theyre always less than u think. now go commit arsonVirgo - Describe your favorite tropes.uhhh do i have any? lol. hmm i like the found-family, ensemble cast trope. i like characters with an established reputation before the book starts. i cant think of any ahhhh

Clue {Reader x Jason Todd + brother!Damian Wayne}

warnings~cursing and a little bit of sexual innuendo

a/n~ okay...in my defense, i havent written in a super long time and im a bit rusty. this isnt really my favourite writing but ive definitely written worse. im super sorry for disappearing, but school is dropping the utmost amount of work on my lap this year. hopefully when summer comes on full swing, i can write some more. also, if you sent in a request im aware its most likely been some time since you submitted it and im really, really sorry about that. ill do my best to get to it soon! anyways, i hope you guys like this one!

“Come on, Y/N. I’m sure he’s too busy reading a book or some crap like that,” Jason whined. 

“No, Jay,” you gave him a half-smile, “It’s far too risky. Besides, we’re too loud, anyways.” You went to lift yourself off of his lap, but he pulled you back with a low growl. “We can be quiet,” he whispered.

You giggled at his sincerity, but Damian had the ears of a cat. Once, in the middle of the night you got up to get a glass of water and Damian must have heard you get out of bed from across the hallway, and ran down to the kitchen before you did. 

“Please?” Jason was practically begging, “We can go back to my apartment, Damian’s old enough to not need a babysitter.”

“Bruce said-”

“Bruce says everything, babe. Come on. You know you want to,” Jason said slyly.

“Absolutely not. I can’t leave Damian here with no solid reason as to why.”

Jason huffed and let you get off of his lap, “i swear you like that damned kid more than me sometimes.”

You snorted and gently hit his shoulder, “Don’t be ridiculous, you know that you’re my favourite person.”

“If I was then you’d sit on my face,” Jason pouted.

You laughed vehemently at his comment, which made him laugh at you, and in a matter of seconds, the both of you were laughing at each other. When your laughter eventually calmed, Jason leapt on top of you and started to tickle you. You pushed on his shoulders with all your strength, but he wouldn't budge. Your  laughter only grew louder and louder as you tried to pry him off of you. Suddenly, Jason got hit in the head with something, knocking him from the bed. 

“A book? You hit me with a fucking book?” Jason roared at Damian, who was in a protective stance next to the bed.

You were out of breath from laughing, and didn’t get the chance to pacify the situation in time.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be attacking a woman!” Damian yelled back at Jason, who was now rubbing his head.

“Are you stupid?” Jason looked almost hurt by the accusation that he may have been hurting you.

“No, but you clearly are!” Damian said lividly, then turned to you, “Are you okay, Y/N?”

You blinked a couple times at the 12 year old, thought about what to say next, then nodded your head. “Of course, Damian. We were just fooling around, no harm done. Yeah?” You sat up and patted his back. 

He looked confused at first, then embarrassed. His cheeks turned a pale shade of pink and he tried not to make eye contact, “Why were you so loud? I thought he was hurting you.”

“Why the hell are you acting like I hurt her on some daily basis or something? When have I ever hurt her? What the fuck, kid?” Jason seemed more stinged by the accusation than the book itself.

“I’m-I don’t know,” Damian whispered, “I am not sorry for trying to protect Y/N, though. I guess I should have looked at the context of this situation before incorporating myself into the mix.”

“Was that a sorry?” Jason crossed his arms.

“I suppose, if that’s what you want to hear,” Damian shrugged.

Jason rolled his eyes, “You’re forgiven. Now beat it.”

“Jason!” You scolded his brashness.

“It’s fine, Y/N. I was planning on leaving anyways.” Damian turned and walked out of the room calmly.

Jason let out a sigh of relief and dropped himself onto the bed, next to you. “You were an asshole, Jay.” Jason mumbled quietly in response. “Did you hear me?” Jason mumbled again. You hit him in the back of the head just hardly enough to make him groan.

“Damn it, Y/N. I already got hit by a book there,” Jason whimpered.

“Sorry, I forgot,” You apologized and patted your lap for him to put his head on. He obliged, and laid down between your legs as you rubbed his head. “You should be nicer to him,” you said quietly.

“I should be nicer to him? I’m the one who got hit in the head with a book!” 

“Yeah, but you know he’s troubled. He doesn’t really know how to interact with other people and clearly has trouble communicating with you, most of all. You’re too harsh towards him,” you ran your fingers through his hair.

“Once again, I got hit in the head with a fucking book.” 

You sighed and shuffled out from under Jason’s head, then picked the book off of the floor. “Huh. The Emperor of All Maladies.”

“What the shit does that mean?” Jason looked at you curiously.

“It’s the name of the book, dumbass,” you showed him the cover.

“Sounds boring.”

“It probably is,” you scanned the back, “but maybe not. I’m going to go give this back to Damian, he might want it back but is too scared to ask.”

“Whatever. Tell him I hate him while you’re down there.”

You rolled your eyes and left the room. As you went down the bifurcated staircase, you saw Damian sitting in the kitchen, staring at his bowl of melted ice cream. 

“Hey, kiddo. What’s up?” You said cheerfully. 

Damian let out an awkward cough, surprised by your presence. He then swiftly jumped off of the stool and picked up his bowl of soupy ice cream from the counter. “I was just having dessert,” he said as he poured it into the sink.

“We didn’t even eat dinner yet,” You looked curiously at his facial expression, “I was going to order pizza.”

“I didn’t want to wait,” Damian turned the faucet on to rinse the bowl.

After an awkward silence, you spoke up, “I brought your book! It’s pretty heavy. If I had to attack someone, I would definitely do it with a 600 page novel,” You chuckled and slid the book across the counter. 

“Thank you, Y/N,” Damian picked up the book and walked away.

“Hey! Wait a minute!” You swiftly caught up to him as he walked into the living room. 

“Yes?” Damian looked up at you with discontent.

"You can't just act like nothing happened. Why did you freak out like that earlier?"

Damian avoided your eyes and looked at everything else in the room except for you. He cleared his throat and stared at the floor, "I thought he was hurting you, is all. It's what anybody would do if they heard someone practically screaming."

You crossed your arms, "We both know that's not why. You're too smart to think something so dumb."

Damian walked past you and put the giant book down onto the coffee table, then threw himself onto the couch, "I just...I didn't know he was going to be here with you while you were watching me."

"Oh...I see," you sat down next to him, "I should have let you know...but that still doesn't explain why you freaked out."

"I was hoping it'd just be us two. I wanted to hang out with you, we haven't really been able to play any board games because-" Damian stopped.

"Because?" You pushed for an answer.

"Because you are too busy with Jason to really care about me," Damian said blatantly, "Nobody ever has time for me anymore."

The sullen sound in his youthful voice broke your heart. It was true, everyone really was too busy. Bruce and Dick have been busy with the Riddler for the past month, and Tim was too focused on school and his new girlfriend to have time for a child. That pretty much left just you, but between work and Jason, you had been just as busy as the rest of the family.

"I'm sorry, Damian," you said sincerely, "I didn't mean to alienate you."

Damian shrugged, "It's fine, really."

"But it's not...What can I do to make it up to you?"

"You can go get Clue from the game cabinet," Damian said slyly.

"Deal."

masterlist 

“Read my future, give me all that future juice human troll Nostradamus”

(( @waspmaninc ))

Psiioniic:

> Time: unknown

> Day: Huh?

>  Command: Oh my god how long have you been in here.

Your name is [PSIIONIIC], or at least that's what you like to be called. Other types or naming are not on your suit. Regardless of this detour you seem to have found yourself out of your room for the first time in the last 3 days. How this was done makes no sense to anyone but you. You rush to the kitchen trying to get some damn sustenance, still on shorts and simple shirt. You might be a 200+ year old troll but you will be dammed if you are ever gonna dress like one. Now where is the milk. You enter the kitchen to scavenge for food.

Rose Lalonde: When he enters kitchen, someone else was sitting at the table quietly and looking at cards on it upright, thinking something. You [Rose Lalonde] had came to kitchen to drink some tea a few minutes earlier and brought your tarot deck along. However, your attention shifts from cards to new face you haven't seen yet. You look at Psiionic for a moment before smiling a little amused. "Seems like fate did bring something new today for me to face up. Literally."

Psiioniic: "Oh hey!" You are quick to say hello, no shame that she is gonna see you have cereal at ???? PM or AM huh.  Whatever. You serve your cereal and milk with your psionics while you speak. "Name is Psii, haven't seen your face before, are you news or came from a trip new?" You joke but its more common that one thinks. He is on that boat. Not that anyone needs to know that.

Rose Lalonde: You follow how he is using these telekinetic powers while also speaking. It's really amazing how some are able to actually use this kind of powers and are even born with these skills. "Nice to meet you Psii. I'm Rose and it's been only a short time since I returned from my business trip back to here" you tell him, while collecting cards from table back to deck to began shuffling it again. "You don't sound like a new member, but I haven't met you while I have been here. Have you also been on trip or doing something in the shadows?"

Psiioniic: "Long story short I was here a long time ago, then I left and then I came back but it wasn't no business trip. But lets leave it at that, Nice to meet you Rose." Cereal served, you bring the spoon with a small psionic burst and grab it mid air with your hand just so you can start eating. You look at the cards, you might have seen some of it in earth. Might. Big Might. Squint. Or not. You don't remember, your memory is awful. "What are those?" Nom nom nom. You sure love hyper illegal cereal boxes. Lucky charms weren't invented in the 20s. You go to her table and basically sit across of her, curiosity first. Those are pretty pictures.

Rose Lalonde: Ah, it's been a while since someone has asked that question. That makes you smile gently. "Tarot cards. With these people can foresee the future or seek answers for questions on mind. These are quite common at Earth but not that popular or know among the masses." Splitting a deck for four different sets and then shuffling them again to mix them really good, you watch Psii's eyes a little mysteriously. "I could use some practise so... Wanna try?~"

Psiioniic: You think for a bit, hand on your face, have you seen this? Yes, maybe but not up and close. You have never been one close to the mythical. "Sure." you reply happily, tone of voice picks up at the end of the word. And you continue to eat your cereal. "Read my future, give me all that future juice human troll Nostradamus"

Rose Lalonde: Okay, that actually made you chuckle a little more amused than you had expected from yourself. You make a mental note to ask later some things from Psii, but now you are focusing to your mission. "Very well then. I shall see what your future holds." With that you smoothly shuffle few more times your deck, before spreading cards very neatly on table. "To make sure this works, you need to choose three cards. One for the past, one for current time and then the future" you explain and hold your relaxed open hand towards the cards.

Psiioniic: That's where you smile big. "Do I?" You leave the bowl of cereal to the side and focus on the cards and then cover your eyes with one. "Lets go blind into the future." And that's how you pick three in order.

Rose Lalonde: One by one cards are chosen and you smile calmly while also guiding Psii how to set those cards on table right way. With that, they are ready go. "Excelent work. Now, let's begin with your past." The first card seems to be upright and after you flip it over, it's revealed to be a small carapacian in dark room with light source, surrounded by many cans. Your facial expression is now entirely focused on cards and smile gone, when you lightly touch your chin with your free hand's fingers. "Interesting choice of cards..."

Psiioniic: "Good or bad"you laugh a little bit but you are a tad worried. Looking at the card doesnt make it any easier. Hmmm. You are already hesitating. Your past is a mess you know that.

Rose Lalonde: You look a few more seconds this card, until you start speaking with no rush and articulate very clearly. "It depends, but on this case it tells me a tale about a man, who had inventor's spark and seeked for acceptance from his community. He believed for hard work and improvement. It is a window to the past where he had a lot hard time to be accepted and seen as an equal, maybe even an important part of his own community."

Psiioniic: "Old man consequences..." That is him. No doubt. If there is anyone to define your past... Its him. Oh Signless. Except a tad of you when you first  landed with the Crew. "Neato bonito. " CRONCH You are back to eat cereal. "Whats next?"

Rose Lalonde: "As you wish. Let's move on to your current situation" and with this you leave the card on it's place and hover your hand a little moment on the middle card which seems to be reversed. You wonder what card it might be. Well, only one way to find out the answer so you flip it over gently. This card also has two carapaces but there's also third person, who seems to be some other kind of alien with white and green clothes, standing between two black carapaces. You raise your gaze and watch Psii with thoughtful eyes. "Hmm... This card brings me a question. Is your work going alright currently?"

Psiioniic: You really don't like to think about your past and you are relieved when it moves into another topic. However that question makes you stop mid biting, which produces a very hard swallow. OUCH.  You are fine, you're fine. You take a second. "My work? hah, WELL I mean, a bit, my work for this organization hasn't started I'm still building the thing, I talked to Sollux and Deuce is all smooth I think. I havent gotten into a fight with nobody since Baron, haha." fuck Baron.

Rose Lalonde: Mental note, if Psii is trying to hide his nervousness he's having a hard time doing so. Also you maybe need to remember name Baron. It might be something to pop out in the future so just in case you also mentally note this detail. "It's okay. It takes time to adjust back, but this card is about facing up challenges, especially something that fits best to the one who picks up this specific card. It means you have already taken actions to proceed and you are in a good pace to accomplish your mission" you explain and for a moment you let your gaze slide back to this card from Psii's eyes. "Because it's upright, you have nothing to worry about too much right now, but if this had been reversed, it would been a sign of being stuck and having ideas or ambitious that just wouldn't work or spark your inner light to work things out."

Psiioniic: You don't look away. You aren't afraid of a bit of scrutiny. Your black and white eyes, almost pupiless meet hers. She is so young and so old. And yet, even then, way younger than you. You mentally decide that this means good fortune for your computer and your overseer set up. The computer you are working on right now and maybe even the faster internet servers for the Crew down the line. You look a little happier. "That's some spicy meatballs that you got. Now that I think about it, I should get some of that." Then you break attention to look at the cards. NOM NOM NOM. NOM.  sLuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUURp. And no more cereal. "And the future, is it void?" Another joke. To cover up a serious question.

Rose Lalonde: Gentle smile cames back to your face when Psiioniic is looking at you. There's something in his eyes that tell you about something deep and meaningful, but something that is also hidden in his very charming way to cover perhaps some negative feelings. Was it his way to cover something up or be genuine, his cheerful words and jokes are the reason you can't let down your small smirk. "Well, the future is full of mysteries and possibilities. Let's see what this card can tell us about yours." Without waiting that much longer, you flip the last upright card and smile a little bit more, when you see a gentle looking spirit having it's limbs covering protectively this human in peaceful looking natural environment.

Psiioniic: "Oh that's some morail shit right there." You're genuine, but to pick everything up about you, you need to get pass 22 emotional proxis. Regardless of that you tilt your head a little. And  float the spoon and bowl over to the  sink, you are washing that later.  There is extra sparks that fly around, the do nothing, but it seems like an extra bit of loose energy. "What does this one mean, friendship? Family? Good things right?"

Rose Lalonde: If you could have some magical light sparkles fly around your shop you would pay for that good money. ... Okay, maybe not because you can't just throw your money at anything, but the thought about it is very nice and aesthetic for sure. Anyway, this card is indeed a good card and you raise this card from table, holding it a little closer for you to see it. "You are on a right path. This card is indeed a very positively reserved and means your future is looking bright. You have found a place that will offer you stability and time to clear your thoughts. There will be people who help you and you will get advices when you need them, if you remember to keep your heart open for world." Raising your eyes you look at Psiionic with encouraging smile.

Psiioniic: "Nice! Pretty neat that, guess I did get lucky." Ahaha, good things come to those who try. Fortune favors the bold. "This was pretty cool, We should do this more often, or not, I have no idea how much does this work" At all. Its almost a card game to you.

Rose Lalonde: You chuckle playfully when you start collecting cards again back together. "I get a feeling that you are very smart Psii. I believe you already know the answer to your thoughts without hearing me" you say in calm but confident manner while still smiling, like a innocent human child with nothing to hide. "But if you want, we can do this again and chat some more. In the end we are in same hideout so our paths will cross again sooner or later."

Psiioniic: Heh heh heh. Clever. You can appreciate that. "When it comes it will come." You get up. "It will be more usual, I'm normally so hidey, but work is work." you streeeeeeech your arms and legs. "I'll be seeing you around Rose!" And you rush out back to your room. She was nice.

Rose Lalonde: With this unexpected encounter, you watch how Psii leaves kitchen, waving your hand a little bit for him. Seems like the crew has some interesting new people to meet and greet. ... Oh, your tea is cold now.  You entirely forgot you had a warm cup of tea and now it's not going to warm up you anymore. Oh well, that's not new thing to happen for you. Just a new cup of tea and you can continue playing with your pretty tarot cards in a peaceful kitchen alone.

- - - End - - -

AU where keith accompanies lance to get a tattoo

so like. lance expects pain. he knows that getting a tattoo will hurt, he just doesnt know how much.

so he brings keith along with him.

thats the thing. keith is lances rival (but also kinda his friend, so it isnt weird to ask him to watch lance get a tattoo) so lance would never  n e v e r  show weakness in front of keith, even if he was getting a needle repeatedly buzzed through his skin

(lance is not terrified of needles, but that doesnt make him their biggest fan)

he made his appointment like a week ago, and since he was doing something small, they were able to squeeze him in much faster than hed thought they would be able to. suddenly, he has to quickly muster up his bravery.

“are you okay, man?” asks keith as they walk into the shop. “you look kinda pale.”

“what? im fine. shut up. mind your own business.”

“pft.”

lance almost feels bad, but hes more distracted by the fact that hes about to permanently mark his skin with ink. like. forever.

and its a worthwhile tattoo, its his aunts name on his shoulder because she passed away last year, and a lot of the adults in lance’s family have the same tattoo and he wants to prove that he’s not a baby anymore, but its still a big commitment

lance and keith are taken to the back room, where a guy is literally in the process of getting a tattoo done, which should not be a surprise in a tattoo parlor, but still lance kinda stares like he cant believe hes really here

keith nudges him. “are you sure youre okay?” he asks again. its the genuine concern in his voice that steels lance’s resolve. bastard.

“i am fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine Keith, what part of that statement dont you understand??” he glances back at the dude with half a dragon on his back. gulps. “totally fine.”

“because if you arent sure about this,” keith continues, “you shouldnt do it.”

lance scoffs. “im sure, keith. dont be ridiculous. and since when did you care? besides, i already made a downpayment, so if i dont go through with it, im out 60 bucks.”

keith shrugs. “whatever you say.”

so eventually the guy getting dragon-ed leaves with more of a dragon, not all of it, because apparently huge tattoos are done in sessions (by hour how can someone be okay with getting needled for h o u r s at a time???) and the artist wipes down seemingly everything in the room with disinfectant. lance is grateful for this. it gives him plenty of time to bolster his courage again.

the artist explains everything through to lance, and he doesnt know why hes still nervous. he really doesnt want the needle to hurt. he doesnt want to regret the decision in three months. he doesnt want everyone to make a big deal out of him getting a tattoo.

he has to take off his shirt because the tattoo is going to be on the back of his shoulder. hes been using humor to cover up his freak out this entire time, but now if he laughs he’ll mess up the tattoo, so he just has to lay there, trying not to look at keith, and listen to the pandora station the shop has playing.

finally, just as its about to start, even though keith is there, lance admits to the artist, “the anticipation is going to be horrible if im not facing you-”

“relax, man,” the artist says. “im not gonna leave you hanging. I’ll tell you before i come at you.”

and lance is like. okay. you can do this. brave face time. keith is right there. time to impress him.

and then the needle starts buzzing and lances eyes must go as wide as saucers. keith hides a snicker behind his hand and lance glares at him harder than he glared at uncle ricardo when he went for the last quesadilla at lance’s sister’s wedding. “i dont see you getting stabbed over here, keith,” he says.

keith shrugs. “you chose this,” is all he says.

“damn right i did, and its important to me, so stop making fun of me, you nerd ass jerk face.”

keith sobers. “youre right, sorry.” hes still smiling, though.

and, okay, there is pain. theres definitely pain. but its honestly not horrible. thinking about what it was going to be was definitely worse than going through it. lance isnt a wimp, he finds a rhythm to breathe in and grits his teeth past the burn.

all in all, the tattoo does not take more than fifteen minutes. lance is actually surprised by how fast it goes. he stands when the artist tells him to and twists around to check out his back in the mirror.

his heart soars. it looks awesome. he may or may not tear up a little.

the artist helps lance bandage the tattoo and gives him instruction for aftercare, and lance returns the favor with a generous tip.

keith is holding out lance’s shirt, and lance flushed when he realizes that hes still naked from the waist up. he snatches his shirt and tugs it back on.

“it does look really good, man,” says keith.

lance is practically glowing. “it does, doesnt it?” he says. “my family’s going to love it.” and then softer, “i love it.”

keith punches lance’s arm lightly. “you should. and, for the record, i was surprised at how well you kept it together. except for gritting your teeth once, you really handled yourself.”

lance’s blush deepens. “were you watching that closely?” he asks, embarrassed.

keith doesnt say anything because they reach the door to the shop. he holds it open for lance. lance catches a whiff of the pizza place across the street.

“dude, i am starving. i havent been able to eat all day, i was so nervous. you wanna grab something to eat? my treat, since i dragged you all the way out there.”

keith--keith--smiles. “i’d like that,” he says.

once theyre seated inside, lance asks, “so come on then, if you were getting a tattoo, what would it be?”

“i already have one,” keith says, stone serious.

“really?! where??”

“on my foot. its a wolf’s head that says courage. its spelled out in the teeth.”

“no way! youre lying to me right now! i gotta see this!”

keith rolls his eyes. “obviously im lying lance. but if i had to get one... i dont know. i would want something personal. but i feel like i dont have enough pieces of my own life to pick something out yet.”

lance stares for a second. blinks. “keith, that is literally the saddest thing anyone has ever said to me. you arent waiting for your life to stumble back towards you! youre living your life right now. who you are right now is, well, who you are. and your life is what it is. even if youre not, i dont know, complete, youve still got to have things that are important to you.”

“yeah.” keith looks down at the table, folding a closed sugar packet. “i guess youre right.”

their pizza shows up. they dig in, and the conversation turns lighter. lance surprises himself by thinking how much hes enjoying spending time with keith. keith, of all people, makes lance happy. like he has any right to.

“alright,” keith says at last, his mouth sort of full. “it would be a massive cock over my heart.”

lance chokes. “KEITH.”

“because of how much i love cock, lance, you see, its whats most important to me-”

“WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS TO ME.”

keith breaks and starts laughing. “Shh youll get us kicked out!”

lance stifles his heart attack with great difficulty. because keith, who lance had the biggest hate-crush on in the history of hate-crushes, just told lance that he loves cock, and lance has one of those. and it is definitely getting the wrong idea from this conversation.

“i retract my question on the grounds that you are not taking this seriously,” says lance, blushing furiously.

keith nods. “thats fair.”

they recover quickly and finish their pizza. as theyre walking out, lance realizes that he really doesnt want their fun day together to end yet. he invites keith back to his house for video games or a movie or whatever, and hes sure hes going to be shut down. but keith, surprisingly, accepts.

halfway into the movie, keith breaks the stiff canal of distance lance placed between them on the couch to say, “lance. you know ive been hitting on you all day, right?”

lance chokes again even though there isnt anything in his mouth this time. “oh yeah?” he stammers. “well, m-maybe you’re so lousy at it i couldn’t even tell!” his voice sounds shrill. his face is burning. he cant look keith in the eyes.

“i thought that might be a possibility,” keith says coolly. “that’s why im telling you know: i have a crush on you, lance.”

“You cant just say stuff like that!” lance protests, waving his arms around defensively. “what am i supposed to say back to that?”

“hopefully, something like, ‘wow, me too, keith, today has been the most fun ever.’”

without looking at keith, lance slowly melts leftways on the couch, so he ends up pooled somewhere in keiths general area. “i had fun today,” he says. “i think youre hot. and nice. but thats all youre getting out of me.”

keith laughs, and lance decides he could stand to hear that again. all in all, not a bad day

Follower: literally no one asked for a depressing ass life update

Me; …… lol you wild anyways

I hate not being able to ask for help and i hate not being able to stand up for myself. Growing up i was thrown into a lot of fights between my parents and i always felt like i had to pick a side and stick to it and i usually sided with my mom for reasons we dont gotta get into rn so me and my mom have been super close like my whole life. She was all I had for most of my life because i was a kid playing parent since my mom worked a lot and my dad wanted to do whatever he wanted, so imagine little me barely out of elementary school trying to make sure my 5 year old brother is doing homework and the angry 8 year old isnt being a complete asshole to the 5 year old. I never really got to just be a kid cause i was making sure the house wouldnt fall apart under our feet, so now that im being thrown to the wolves as far as growing up goes I don’t think its fair that when i ask for help i get looked down on and belittled and get looked at like im some stupid kid, like, i was never allowed to just be a stupid kid so how come now that im 18 and dont know how to do everything immediately am i suddenly a stupid kid who probably cant make it in the real world? Its bullshit and not fair. Tbh its not just that i cant ask for help with cause growing up i thought asking for help meant weakness and i had to be strong cause i was the oldest and asking for help meant stressing out my mom even more than she was cause she had a hard time putting food on the table by herself.

As for standing up for myself, okay i havent hidden that my mom hasnt been supportive in any way after i came out cause i try to cover it up with humor, but like, she was my best friend for so many years when i had no one else to lean on (and thats a story for another day tbfh) she was like all i had. She was supportive of my writing even when it sucked and when i wanted to be a teacher but its like she did a 180 or some shit. Okay so when i switched to wanting to do psych she was kinda like “okay but make sure a certificate will be transferable or whatever” and one time i said how i THOUGHT about MAYBE doing english as a major cause i love writing and i thought maybe i could start up a publishing company that mostly published books centered around minorities cause that seemed like something id enjoy tbh, but she shitted all over even the thought of majoring in english just like “What job could you possibly get with an english degree?” and her friend, with an english degree, told me an English degree is basically useless and like??yes i understand english isnt the most employable degree but maybe i want more to life than a job, maybe i wanted to do something im passionate about or something (dont get me wrong im really passionate with my current career path but still it was an idea i was really into and wanted to learn more about and i still wanna double major but besides the point) I couldnt even explaing why i was thinking about that major i kinda defulted to head down, shoulders drop, say “yeah maybe you gotta point” and like thats not fair to me i dont think. That was the start of the slippery slope of her becoming more and more unsupportive with everything i do. I didnt apply to that many schools and most the final 2 were Elizabethtown College and University of Bridgeport, Etown was way more expensive and i kinda didnt want to go there tbh but they said i could apply for free so i did. Now for college i did EVERYTHING myself. I looked up colleges, compared prices and scholarships, took notes on all the majors and minors i thought i could want, applied on my own and anything else I did by myself. Looking back i realize i probably shouldve applied to more schools or looked more at the professors or something, but i didnt cause i didnt know to, but she gave me such a hard time with UB. She complained about everything about it until i finally said “fine ill just go to county and then Rutger or something” (which isnt a bad plan and wouldve saved me a shit ton of money but i wanted to get tf away from jersey) Thats when she said fine and said she’d help financially (even though the loans getting transfered to my name after i graduate but okay). So there was kinda a wedge in our relationship but nothing huge we were still pretty close but we just ignored certain subjects like school and shit. Then in the summer she gave me hell for not working like we agreed i wouldnt work during the school year cause i speant so much of junior year wanting to kill myself and was so fucking depressed we, as in the both of us, decieded on that, than in the VERY begining of summer i broke my fucking ankle, so i couldnt really walk anywhere and i dont drive (side note, i hate when driving gets brought up because just sitting behind the wheel gives me so much anxiety, like yes its a good skill to have but i cant drive so please leave me alone i hate myself for it enough) Plus i speant a majority of the summer super depressed and anxiety ridden and kinda scared about a lot of stuff.So it was nice to hear i was lazy and ungrateful when somedays it took everything to get out of bed to feed myself let alone clean up around the house. Also as a certified Millennial™  I cover my self hatred and depression with jokes and memes o the one day i make a joke about it and she said “you dont really hate yourself, you wouldnt know what that feels like” Okay 1. I most definetly hate myself just cause i dont walk around super edgy and emo doesnt mean i stopped critizing my every action, just cause you dont notice me not letting myself eat/eating everything in sight doesnt mean i dont wish i looked like literally anything else. No i hate myself i just cover it up so fuck off.

Then theres coming out (which gets its own paragraph cause its a fucking mess). I came up via a letter that i left in her room and she didnt say anything for maybe a week so i speant a week with my defult being panic attack or “maybe everythings gonna be okay i mean she hasnt really said my name i dont think and maybe everythings okay and youre just freaking out for nothing” but nope we had a talk and if you dont know apperently you have to know right out of the womb that your trans. My moms best friend has a niece whos trans and she was given so much shit from the adults in her life just and still does (this kids literally 14 and they treat the poor girl like such shit its awful) and i was never into sterotypical “boy things”. I didnt like sports other than soccer but only for fun, I was very much the quiet kid who usually had his nose in a book, so i think that mixed with seeing this little girl treated like trash by people we both loved and looked up to (cause my moms best friends family is kinda like a second family to me) i never thought that could ever be me. Later in life i questioned my sexuality and looking at a bunch of terms and things some of them related to me, but i thought no ill put that on the back burner for now just cause maybe im just projecting/thinking about it too much rn. Then even later in life Kate came out to me and we talked and i noticed some similarities in what she said to what i felt, so i looked up terms and definitions and took online quizzes almost all day everyday to figure out what was going on with me. Almost as long as i known Kate shes been my safe person, especially with this just in case I realized no this isnt who i am or whatever, but either way Kate was a huge support and great person to rely on and my fears and other stuff. After more constant quizzes and reading and asking myself if i just wanted to be a *~special snowflake~* and testing waters and shit I decieded yes this is who i am...shit im gonna have to come out. My mom basically said “you arent trans, youre making this up and being ridiculous. Im not calling you that name and i wont call you he/him and that hurt a lot. Like she didnt even say Alexander she said “whatever name you put”. Mind you im absolutely heart broken cause i thought if anyone my mom would be supportive. She offered if Kate ever wanted she could crash with us and she calls her best friends niece the right name, but when it came to me she thought it was fake. Now at this point im trying not to cry out loud and im clenching my jaw so hard it hurt till the next afternoon. I dont know if its just me or what, but it feels like after that shes rubbing it in. It feels like shes using my birth name more and saying she/her and shit. She also acted like i was an idiot like i know that changing my name is a process, but she also said if any of my college stuff had Alexander on it she wouldnt help pay for it which really hurt. I really try to ignore/avoid her just cause it hurts less than figurative slaps to the face its like, *slap* girl, *slap* birthname, *slap* liar, *slap* making it up, *slap* thats not how it works, *slap* youre being disrespectful as hell, *slap* you arent a boy *fucking uppercut*, but i cant always ignore her which leads to tonight.

My cousins had like a little party for their birthday and it was awful for me (in their defense im not out to them but still it makes me super uncomfortable but its not their fault really). We looked at baby pictures so it was a lot of “omg look how pretty you were” and “oh my goodness i love that dress you look so beautiful there” Then my hair, of course got brought up and people were like “oh you know girls are so much prettier with long hair” and “when are you gonna grow it back out like hers?” (cause you know girls HAVE to have long hair *sarcasm*) so i just kinda awkwardly laugh and change the subject. Of course my moms pointing out all the pictures of me in a dress or with long hair or whatever. Then it was super fun picture time!! I hate pictures (that i dont take cause those are under my control and shit) for a lot of reasons. I always feel like i look fat and i notice everything thats “feminine” about my body and we already went over the self hate thing but still i hate pictures and im visibly uncomfortable while theyre happening. Someone says “oh stop youll love them in 20 years” like or ill hate them cause ill remember being so uncomfortable and so ready to walk home and ill remember not being able to forget that my whole family will probably always think im a girl no matter what i do. Then we get on to college. Im the first to go to college and everyone was like where are you going, what are you majoring in blah blah blah. So i answer their questions and be a polite kid. And everytime someone asked when i was leaving my mom jumped on it “3 weeks from today!!” like shit so by the end of the night my binders starting to get uncomfortable, im socially tired, ive been uncomfortable for 20 minutes, and im hating the amount of hugs im getting cause i can feel my boobs more than and shit. So someone said something about me leaving so i was like “you still have like a month” and of course my mom goes “3 weeks!!” so im fucking annoyed by everything and like just ready to go to CT now so im like “we get it your counting down the days i leave” and she got an attitude so i turn to my uncle and say im about to make it 2 weeks and shes like how about 1? So i just shrug and say okay bye like im unfazzed right now. Then we go drop my brother off at our dads and as soon as we pull away shes yelling at me about my “attitude lately” like what??!! Youve ruined so much for me lately im allowed to be angry! You destroyed my confidence about coming out. You made me feel like something was wrong with me. YOU completely destroyed our relationship and maybe i did too, but you know what?! Im completely justified in being uncomfortable around you! When my 14 year old brother (who has been really amazing and apologized for having to call me my birth name which he didnt have to cause he knew im only out to a handful of people but it was still sweet of him) asked how you were about this you said what you said to me which is fucking bullshit!! Youve treated me like shit lately and youll walk in and start nagging/complaining/yelling at me cause you dont know how to handle your angry which ive delt with for so fucking long!! Like when am i allowed to be mad at you?! When am i allowed to say no ive had it with your bullshit?!! But of course i dont know how to actual articulate this without a huge fight going off cause those just trigger a huge anxiety attack and shit and screaming and fighting is something i avoid at almost every cost because its scary to me fo a million and three reasons. Like im so ready to burry my ass in debt just to keep out of this house like i dont want to be anywhere near here. I dont wanna come home ever. I want to stay in CT forever just so i dont have to deal with this shit which i know probably isnt healthy but whatever i dont care anymore she gives me so much shit i dont care.

But i still feel guilty i guess. Ive never been ANGRY at my mom, i rarely fought with her, she was always my rock and i know what certain holidays, mostly Christmas, mean to her, but i dont know if i can bring myself to come home just to be around her so much and fall back into being called my birthname or she/her or whatever. I dont know i feel bad not wanting to come home because the boys moved in with our dad (which i cant do for reasons that dont need to be talked about atm) and i dont want to make her sad cause shes my mom, but i dont want to hurt myself because shes my mom, you know?

I dont care about our relationships, me being trans isnt going away a few years (which she told me we could revisit this in a few years like bitch what??!!) wont mean anything except me, once again, doing everything completely on my fucking own! Ill be alone and it feel like almost like i always be alone, like maybe ill go to CT and still wind up with the Fuck Up™ gene being very present in my life. Idk somedays i just feel like maybe no ones supposed to saty in my life, which i dont want to be true cause rn i have some amazing people in my life and im scared theyll leave too just meant to be abandoned and alone or something. The thing is im a sentimental, touch starved, emotional piece of shit and i really love people being consistent in my life and being left alone is such a huge fear of mine and i feel like some of my friends are already disappearing from my life (which i know happens and is natural especially after school but it still hurts to some degree ig)

So yeah lifes kinda full of bullshit right now and i cant wait to move out and study almost year round to avoid being home as much as possible and theres really no reason to this other than for me to complain about life and shit ig