#i have a lot of painful and nuanced emotions about the very recent news
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anyways something about when fall out boy said "Seems like the whole damn world went and lost its mind / And all my childhood heroes have fallen off or died"
#i have a lot of painful and nuanced emotions about the very recent news#there's something sickening and terrifying when you've felt an affinity for an individual's public performance of identity#even knowing that it's parasocial and that you don't know that person irl#and then finding out this person in whom you saw aspects of yourself that perhaps even helped you feel more confident and comfortable#was capable of this kind of cruelty .. or they were taken from the world without real warning ..#you are allowed to grieve the people you lose .. both the literal and metaphorical#the dynamics of parasocial relationships are weird and messy and sometimes unhealthy on both sides#but this betrayal kills the person you hoped they were and you're allowed to grieve that while disliking who they have been shown to be#also not the place i know but dream has cleared his name several times over shut the fuck up and stop mindlessly parroting lies about him#shut ur pretty mouth
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Sooooo I already have a taglist for my original WIP Impartial (and of course you can always be added to that just lmk!) but I thought I could also make a
Taglist for my fanfic writing!
If you're on that list I'll just tag you on the occasional snippet or meta I might post, art that goes with my fic and when I post something new!
If that sounds like something you might be interested in, give me a shout and I can put you on the list! This can be fandom specific or for all my fics, though full disclosure I am only actively working on FMA fics right now.
Just as a way to stay on top of things if you like my writing, or give me a bit of encouragement if you're into that, since posts can get lost quickly on tumblr.
I'm gonna talk a little bit about what kind of stories I write and the WIPs I'm currently working on under the cut so you can get a better idea of what you'd sign up for.
First thing you should know: Among my readers and mutuals I have a certain reputation for writing very painful angst :D
I cannot claim that reputation is undeserved; I do love writing angst a lot, and I rarely write any fics without it, but I don't write it with the express purpose of hurting my readers. I rarely write whump for whump's sake (except during the recent febuwhump, admittedly).
What interests me the most in my fics is exploring character's personalitites and relationships when they are put in taxing situations. I like to explore inner turmoil, questions of morality, complex conflicts that have no easy resolution and trying to live with trauma. I like peeling away the layers of my blorbos to find out what really makes them tick, and to extend, deepen or just fully map out the themes that their development (or lack of) in canon follows.
I am often told by my readers that I am good at evoking emotion viscerally, portraying complex situations with nuance and pinning down the facets of my characters’ personalities—all things that I also like in my own writing, and so I do hope I am somewhat competent at them.
Here’s a brief look at my three main WIPs right now to give you an idea of the type of stories I write.
when all is lost (and hope a ghost)
A post-canon platonic soulmate AU of FMA, often referred to as WAIL
A soulmate AU in which you can feel your soulmate’s emotions, even when you’re apart. A bond and an opportunity, but also a weakness that can be exploited. Explores what people are capable of when pushed to their limits, contemplates loss and the fear of it and the way that grief changes us. First draft is complete at 27K and currently in editing, first two chapters can already be found here.
everything is twisted (but we don’t feel a thing)
Canon nudged to the left with horror vibes, also referred to as Eldritch Elrics or EE
A fic following the Elrics through their canon adventures as told from various points of view—except neither of them is quite the same since they have returned from the gate. Some subtle quality about them is off, and it’s unnerving being unable to tell what it is. My first forray into the vicinity of horror, a slow write as I take great care in building an unsettling atmosphere. Currently working on the first draft at 7K.
I will go down punching (but I will go down)
First instalment in a four part canon divergent series named Vox Populi, also referred to as VP
A deep dive of Ed’s and Al’s characters, following the question to the end, what would happen if Ed actually was court-martialed for committing human transmutation? A canon divergence attempting to give some agency to the people of Amestris and confronting the Elrics with harsh realities they’d rather not face (part I). Exploring the pitfalls of both rigid and flexible morality (part II), how to persevere when faced with impossible choices (part III) and the concept of sin as a physical reality in the world (part IV). Currently working on the first draft at 23K.
Sound interesting? Sound off and I will add you to my tag list! And in the meantime you are of course welcome to browse through my past fics on AO3!
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youtube
vvs vadim has recently released a new single: "Forget My Name"
vvs vadim is an artist and songwriter who loves to take chances and explore the many nuances of his creativity. His release ���"Forget My Name"” is a perfect example. This remarkable piece of music showcases excellent production aesthetics while also enabling "Forget My Name" to express his vision without limitations.
“Forget My Name” clocks in at about two minutes and 45 seconds, and it packs a huge punch in the process. The introduction is a very immersive affair, with a smooth, mellow piano part in the intro. The vocals kick in at about 16 seconds in, setting the mood and immediately highlighting the talent that vvs vadim brings to the table. His delivery is melodic and nostalgic, with lyrics that are quite personal and heartbroken. With lines such as “I was told to love and forgive,” the artist laments of a relationship gone wrong, and offers a somber, melancholic perspective. At the same time, there is also a brighter side, as the beat and the energy brings a high level of intensity to the music. This is a very spontaneous track that exudes honesty and intuitiveness. This relatable portrayal of romantic struggles resonates with many listeners who have experienced similar feelings, and the lyrics are incredibly intuitive and easy to connect with. Much like the flow of the songwriting, the vocal performance is quite distinctive as well. His delivery feels genuine and unfiltered, making his pain and vulnerability palpable throughout the track. The way he sings and raps the lyrics adds depth to the emotional content, making listeners connect with his feelings. The addition of an auto-tune effect adds another level of texture to the vocals, creating some great vocal melodies as well. In this case, pitch correction is used to enhance the emotional delivery and melodic qualities of the artist’s voice, making it almost like an instrument, but still retaining the human heart of the performance at its core.
The melancholic and melodic elements of the music contribute to the overall mood of the song, making it more evocative and touching, especially the keyboard parts and the sparse drum beats that add so much more of an introspective quality to this track. The main piano melody is accompanied by a punchy drum arrangement, providing a modern and dynamic backdrop for vvs vadim’s vocals. In addition, there are many additional layers that add depth to the arrangement, providing extra texture and momentum. The drum pattern is also paced masterfully throughout the song. The verses often feature a subdued and minimalist arrangement, allowing the vocals to really unfold and reveal its full-ranging emotional intensity. In contrast, the chorus is more intense and it offers a fuller sound overall, allowing the dynamics to stand out. Overall, ”Forget My Name” has a very mesmerizing tempo which is quite laid-back and moderately slow. This contributes to the track’s dream-like, contemplative feel. The deliberate pacing allows listeners to absorb the lyrics and connect with the emotional content with a higher degree of perception and feeling. The careful balance of instruments and vocals is another perk of this great track, and so is the artist’s ability to create some themes within the song. To clarify what we’re saying, it’s important to understand that in music, repetition can often amplify emotions and ideas, making them more impactful. “Forget My Name” enables certain elements in the song cycle back over, such as the chord progression, really makes the music feel a lot catchier and more memorable.
To conclude, ”Forget My Name" is a very good calling card for vvs vadim. This release will certainly please fans of artists like Drake, Post Malone, XXXTENTACION, Dead Rituals, and Lil Mosey, among others. In addition, it is the perfect introduction to how vvs vadim combines genres like modern rap, trap and even some melodic elements in order to create a very seamless personal sound. This is music that’s far more than plain entertainment. vvs vadim arguably uses his craft to express himself but his songs are also punchy and hard-hitting, highlighting his ability to create a very energetic and uncompromising style.
Find out more about vvs vadim, and do not miss out on "Forget My Name". This release is currently available on some of the best digital streaming services.
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My top ten twenty thirty favorite reads of 2020
Happy New Year! I’ve never read as much as I did in 2020 so yes, here’s another totally biased reclist catered to my very personal needs but hey, maybe I’ll find some taste twins around to celebrate with me🥂
Drarry:
1. 9 ½ Days by @magpiefngrl (Explicit, WIP)
Drarry on the run! I hopelessly crave good war fics and this has been an amazing ride so far. I love the tense, dangerous atmosphere and the organic slow burn feat. safe houses, domestic bliss and life-affirming fumbling in the dark.
2. A Pain of Our Choosing by @lqtraintracks (Explicit, 6k)
Peak LQT geniality under 10k, this is one of the best 8th year fics I’ve read recently, with soft broken boys healing together and hot fucked up smut as a bonus. Cathartic and nuanced with a lovely hopeful ending.
3. Between Myth and Men by @slytherco (Explicit, 16k)
A creative and contemplative fic that packs so much under 16k. Gorgeous redemption arc based on a brilliant Veritaserum concept with its implications and complications. Quietly devastating, soft, evocative, and it hurts so good. Get your tissues box ready!
4. Born Slippy by @dracoladon (Explicit, 8k)
The best clubbing fic ever. I have never read Drarry like this: their drunk voices are smooth, hilarious, quick-witted, and I wanna live inside the superior sexual tension. Excellent build up, even more excellent payoff with hot panty kink. Just thinking about it makes me salivate
5. Can’t Fight the Moonlight by sunsetmog (Mature, 16k)
Whenever you feel like reading Mpreg, this is THE fic. Absolutely heartbreaking but in a gentle way? I love these complex characters, the light-hearted dialogue and the way this story captures a disorienting but realistic mix of wonder and terror about parenthood (she says, without having ever experienced it 😂).
6. Clouds That Veil the Midnight Moon by @drarrytrash (Explicit, 36k)
The best case fic I’ve read this year, so fun and charming. I’m soft for the Drarry dynamics, the tentative slow burn, the easy banter, the gentle yearning. Kudos to a perfect Ron, great OCs and an intriguing plot. The atmosphere and characters are so addictive you’ll never want this fic to end.
7. Criminal by @the-sinking-ship (Explicit, 83k)
A rich and delightful ride with A+ character development and the sexiest slow burn, feat house hunting and drunk singing Take on Me. Get your heart ready to see a posh, snarky yet hopelessly smitten Draco transforming Harry’s lonely life into something colorful and full of hope. Gorgeous characterization and delicious smut as a bonus 👏🏻
8. Far From The Tree by aideomai (Explicit, 112k)
Showstopper fic. A power combo of unique plot and aideomai’s devastating writing, this fic is a triumph, and it aches so good. I’m still hungover over the gourmet world building, the fascinating love story and the sexiest teenage smut ever written - I’ll be forever thinking of this ride and all those stunning RoR scenes...
9. In the Dark by @bixgirl1 (Explicit, WIP)
There’s no fic like this one. I still remember my jaw dropping seeing the raw and depressing apocalyptic world Bix creates here - the tense and urgent atmosphere, the angsty comfort sex, the brilliant Hermione-Narcissa subplot! I’ve declared this fic one of my all-time faves since ch 1, I don’t care if it’s still in progress 🤷🏻♀️
10. Inside Your Mind by @lazywonderlvnd (Explicit, 36k)
A gorgeous and introspective 8th year love story following the post-war melancholy. This is not only an amazing character study on both Harry and Draco, it also explores nuanced D/s dynamics and shines light on Goyle’s character in a refreshing and heartfelt way.
11. Kinktober 2020 series by @bonesliketambourines (Explicit, 85k)
The ultimate gourmet selection of porn with feels, providing top notch wanking material fabulous character studies and nice twists on both popular and not-so-popular smut tropes. Hot, creative and satisfying new takes packing lots of backstory and emotion! All this written in one month, wtf 👏🏻
12. Life goes not backward by @shealwaysreads (Teen and Up, 9k)
Surprising no one I can’t worship my favorite comfort fic enough; this is the softest, gentlest take on the found family trope you’ll ever see, healing food for the heart and soul. Evocative writing and an unexpected yet wholesome ending full of warmth and hope.
13. Modern Love by @tackytigerfic (Explicit, 61k)
My favorite read this year, a master class in slow burn with Muggle Draco and a brilliant Harry POV full of heart and yearning, that will take your breath away. Come and feast on the softest pining and a wholesome get together (with religious smut, I kid you not!). A Tacky’s love letter to Drarry.
14. My Hands Are Of Your Colour by @ohdrarry (Explicit, 8k)
This fic was written for my (first ever) prompt for Sudsfest and it felt like the author gazed right into my soul. The dark atmosphere, the carefully crafted backstory, the cathartic and sensual comfort sex! This is a mature, elegant and evocative hitmen love story.
15. Nice Things by aideomai (Mature, 22k)
We’ve been blessed by aideomai in 2020. This poignant 8th year tale is one of my all-time favorite reads, quiet, bittersweet and so gently cathartic. Love to see everyone bonding and healing at the gatehouse, the soft domesticity and the aching and inevitable Drarry romance. A powerful story, a gorgeous love story.
16. Teeth by @amelior8or (Explicit, 6k)
I’ve reread this fic so many times and it never fails to take my breath away. So much emotion packed in just a few words! A delicious game of push and pull and scorching intense smut, with enthusiastic consent and gut-punching lines that go from rough to tender in a second and hit my heart real sweet.
17. The Courting by the Pureblood Who Only Has Five Milligrams of Romantic Intelligence and Thinks He’s Real Smooth by @cibeewastaken (Teen and Up, 19k)
This delightful courting story made my heart swell in a way I didn’t think was possible, with a precious devoted Draco gently pining over his oblivious “beloved”. The traditional ritual is so creative and full of heart I can’t even think about it without smiling. A perfect comfort fic, warm, hilarious and genuinely sweet.
18. The Thrill of the Chase Moves in Mysterious Ways by @veelawings (Explicit, 32k)
I am so utterly charmed by this incredibly fun, engaging and creative case fic - Noella did a fantastic job recreating Ms. Fisher’s 20s vibes and the Drarry dynamics are such a treat, sexy, snarky with delicious pining. Shout-out to the fabulous ass play in ch 2 as well 😳
19. (Un)wanted by @aibidil (Explicit, 36k)
One of the most interesting and heartbreaking portrayals of Harry’s generation post-war, an honest and melancholic story with a sensitive approach to Harry’s trauma. All characters are wonderfully complex and come together while exploring the Muggle world, which filled my heart with soft nostalgia.
20. Vortex by @xanthippe74 (Teen and Up, 20k)
My very favorite soulmate story, it gives Draco a wholesome redemption arc and a chance of finally being happy after finding his place in the post-war reality. The slow burn is organic, gentle and aching, with a super interesting subplot on social politics.
Other ships under the cut:
1. A Fine Foray into Fashionable Fellatio by @wellhalesbells (Draco/Ron, Explicit, 31k)
This fic is a triumph and simply the best Dron I’ve ever read, full of heart and character. Their voices and dynamics are unbelievably spot on and the slow burn is charming, witty, scorching hot and delightfully domestic! Brilliant fic. Do not read if you’re not ready to fall into this ship.
2. Beneath a Foreign Moon by @lqtraintracks (Harry/Teddy, Explicit, 2.7k)
A quiet and fascinating shortfic exploring the student/professor taboo alongside the age gap. I’m completely obsessed with this darker take on Harry, on how he unapologetically takes what Teddy so willingly gives. A brilliant study on power dynamics and delicious smut as per LQT’s usual brand.
3. Best Man by Farbautidottir (Harry/Scorpius, Explicit, 13k)
Such a charming fic, one of the most romantic takes I’ve seen on this pairing! I love the idea of Harry and Scorp falling in love while getting things ready for Albus’ big day. The slow burn is gentle and the wedding scene is so so great - it filled me with longing and nostalgia.
4. Black Forest by bigblackdog, @ruinsplume (Harry/Sirius/Remus, Explicit, 12k)
Once again they blow my mind with a luscious and devastating approach to this triad. Harry’s POV makes my heart ache - the sexual tension is exquisite and shows how far his childhood trauma goes, and how only Sirius and Remus can give him the comfort of feeling wanted and loved. Genius and breathtaking.
5. Hopelessly Devoted To You by @writcraft (Harry/George, Explicit, 10k)
I don’t usually see George in fic so this was the most wonderful treat! A gentle love story with them connecting over musicals, mourning Fred and finding each other along the way. I love how beautifully the dialogue flows and how comfortable they are with each other.
6. In My Mind, Body and Soul by tamlane (Lily Luna/Michael Corner, Explicit, 5k)
Despite loving age gap ships, I don’t think I’d ever read this ship if it wasn’t for the intriguing concept and fabulous writing. The characters dynamics are so gripping and the atmosphere is sensual, tense and unpredictable. Not even a kiss, yet this had me shaking in anticipation.
7. Pansy, Rows, and Mutual Wanking by @violetclarity (Pansy/Hermione, Explicit, 27k)
This was my first Pansmione fic ever, and it got me completely sold on this ship. A fantastic slow burn with brilliant character development and super hot smut. Hermione’s arc is one of the best I’ve ever seen, her self-discovery journey painfully earned and moving.
8. Rebel Rebel by @teacup-tai (Sirius/Remus, Explicit, 6k)
For someone who’s not particularly into this ship, Tai got me wrapped around her finger. Sirius’ POV is gorgeous and his journey back to Remus gave me major Little Compton Street feels (a major influence here). A magical and engaging read, full of joyful wonder for life.
9. testosterone (sounds like a spell) by pauraque (Hannah/Justin, Explicit, 8k)
I don’t think I’d ever read this ship if not by this author and I’m glad I did because this gave me goosebumps. Connecting with the characters was so easy - I fell in love with trans Justin, his journey and his lasting friendship with Hannah. Bonus points for the scorching hot yet delicate smut, honest and full of understanding.
10. Where Silence Has Come to Lick Its Wounds by @p1013 (Harry/Ron/Hermione, Explicit, 2.6k)
All hail the threesome queen @p1013. This fic blew up my mind and made me fall in love with this Triad. It has a gentle, intimate atmosphere and gives off the perfect “comfort sex” vibes, soft, safe and familiar. Absolutely stunning.
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Friday Feature: October 1, 2021
Welcome to the Friday Feature, where every Friday I feature a different Fanfic Writer’s blog. This week’s Feature Blog is:
Link to Masterlist
About the Author:
I have been writing short stories and poems since I was a teenager; I even managed to win a couple of awards in high school. I didn’t start writing fanfic until very recently, however. I posted my first fic two and a half years ago. I joined tumblr with the intent of simply reading fanfic and maybe connecting with a few people over our love for Dean and Supernatural. Yet, here I am a little over three years later, with a new creative obsession, and a horde of new friends because of writing.
Other info and plugs:
I genuinely enjoy beta/alpha reading fics and helping others with their stories. So much so that I am currently in the process of starting my own proofreading business. It’s still in the very early stages, but I hope to have a site up and running by Spring 2022.
Author’s Fave Personal Fics:
*My favorites continually change over time-these are the current ones.
Trust You With My Heart
Summary: She trusts him with her life, but can she trust him with her heart?
Why the author likes this fic:
It’s my first foray into writing about cardiophilia, other than a small drabble. It was initially meant to be a one-shot for a challenge, it grew into so much more, and I have had so much fun writing this series. I was stunned by the enthusiastic and, dare I say, heartwarming response that the series received. I love the relationship between Dean and the Reader and have a lot more planned for them.
Sacrifice
Summary: sac’ri·fice’ v. 1 to give up something that is valuable to you in order to help another person 2 to give up something for something else considered more important (Cambridge Dictionary, 2020)
Why the author likes this fic:
Those that follow my weekly fic recs know that angst is a staple in the list of fics I choose to read. Most of the stories I have written generally contain angst in them as well. Although, they usually have a happy ending. Sacrifice was the first fic I wrote that focused solely on pain and heartbreak.
Together We Are the Storm
Summary: Angry with the way the brothers have been treating her, the Reader decides to take matters into her own hands and fight through the storm that is Dean Winchester.
Why the author likes this fic:
I feel like I stepped up my writing with this story and finally managed to jump a hurdle I was struggling with. I love the fire in this reader and had a blast writing the entire story. I was a lot more confident in my voice and writing style with this fic, and I am delighted with the response it has received so far.
Author’s Fic Recommendations:
*Heads up, as I mentioned before, I love angst and the recs below are all filled with emotion and heartbreak. There are so many more that I absolutely adore, which is why I have my weekly fic recs, but these have bored their way deep into my soul.
Now and Then {Ongoing Series} - by @thinkinghardhardlythinking
Summary: Y/N and Dean met a few years ago, both lost in the uncertainty of their lives which were so far from what they had hoped for them to be, but love affairs end, some with heartbreak. Y/N moves on but when her new life sends her crashing back into Dean’s orbit, she wonders if, for her, it will ever truly be over.
Why the author likes this fic:
It is a stunningly beautiful tale of longing and love, of trying to find one’s place in the world, and realizing that it’s okay to put your own feelings and desires first sometimes. The Reader is strong and outspoken, which is a trait I always love to read. I relate so much to Dean in this fic, in that I currently find myself in a life I am not happy with due to the ill-fated choices I made in the past that were dictated by others and what was expected of me. Saira’s stories are always so nuanced and filled with emotion. The sophistication in @thinkinghardhardlythinking’s writing is just stunning!
Lie To Me / Additional Chapters - by @angelkurenai
Summary: Imagine Dean and Sam getting transported to the French Mistake universe. Only for Dean to realize he is married to you, his best friend, love of his life and… Sam’s girlfriend.
Why the author likes this fic:
One of the first fanfics I ever read, and I still go back to read it every few months. It is a very unique take on the French Mistake episode concept and is so beautifully crafted by @angelkurenai. It makes me cry, my heart race and lets me lose myself in a stunning tale of heartbreak, longing, and so much love.
Ephemeral - by @atwistoffate
Summary: All she wants is to live. All he wants is to save her. This is the story of their last road trip together.
Why the author likes this fic:
Another early read that has stuck with me and has been read many, many times. Have tissues handy when you read this one by @atwistoffate. Although it’s an AU, the story is about the sacrifices that Dean is willing to make for the one he loves.
Broken Series - by @atwistoffate
Summary: The man you love is about to marry someone else. This is how the worst day of your life begins.
Why the author likes this fic:
Another tearjerker by @atwistoffate; I sobbed for days over this story. My eyes are welling even as I type this rec. Joy and pain fill this rollercoaster love story of a life that Dean deserved.
Hold Her Tight - by @waywardbaby
Summary: A story of a deep need to feel someone close to you
Why the author likes this fic:
There are only two lines of dialogue in this fic-the same three words. However, Zee, @waywardbaby, managed to convey so much emotion in this beautifully written story. The need, adoration, and softness that she channeled through the words reach in and grip my heart tight every time I think about it.
Thank you for checking out this week’s Friday Feature. Be sure to check out their blog, follow, send asks, go crazy! Check out all the fics linked and be sure to REBLOG and COMMENT!
Authors love to know what you think about their work - not just praise, but constructive criticism as well.
Constructive criticism is a helpful way of giving feedback that provides specific, actionable suggestions. Rather than providing general advice, constructive criticism gives specific recommendations on how to make positive improvements. Constructive criticism is clear, to the point and easy to put into action.
Shout out to @talesmaniac89 for the beautiful dividers she created and offered up for us for free! Check out her other resources here.
Would you like your blog to be showcased in a Feature Friday?
Maybe you have a fic you’ve written that you’d like to be included in the weekly Fic Recommendations?
Something you’ve read and loved?
Tag me! Send an ask! Drop a DM!
And as always, Happy Fanfic-ing!
Want even MORE? Check out the Friday Feature Masterlist!
Forevers:
@sis-tafics
@lyarr24
@calaofnoldor
@hobby27
@spnbaby-67
@fangirlxwritesx67
@jarpad24
@flamencodiva
@donnaintx
@wonder-cole
@waynes-multiverse
FRIDAY FEATURE:
@deanwanddamons
@itmighthavebeenintentional
@there-must-be-a-lock
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Favorite films discovered in 2020
Well, this year sucked. I did see some good movies though. Some even made after I was born!
Perfect Blue (dir. Satoshi Kon, 1997)
I watch a lot of thrillers and horror movies, but precious few actually unsettle me in any lasting way. This cannot be said of Perfect Blue, which gave me one of the most visceral cinematic experiences of my life. Beyond the brief flashes of bloodletting (you will never look at a screwdriver the same way again), the scariest thing about Perfect Blue might be how the protagonist has both her life and her sense of self threatened by the villains. The movie’s prescience regarding public persona is also incredibly eerie, especially in our age of social media. While anime is seen as a very niche interest (albeit one that has become more mainstream in recent years), I would highly recommend this movie to thriller fans, whether they typically watch anime or not. It’s right up there with the best of Hitchcock or De Palma.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (dir. Sergio Leone, 1966)
Nothing is better than when an iconic movie lives up to the hype. Clint Eastwood, Eli Wallach, and Lee Van Cleef play off of one another perfectly. I was impressed by Wallach as Tuco in particular: his character initially seems like a one-dimensional greedy criminal, but the performance is packed with wonderful moments of humanity. Do I really need to say anything about the direction? Or about the wonderful storyline, which takes on an almost mythic feel in its grandeur? Or that soundtrack?
Die Niebelungen (both movies) (dir. Fritz Lang, 1924)
I did NOT expect to love these movies as much as I did. That they would be dazzlingly gorgeous I never doubted: the medieval world of the story is brought to vivid life through the geometrical mise en scene and detailed costuming. However, the plot itself is so, so riveting, never losing steam over the course of the four hours it takes to watch both movies. The first half is heroic fantasy; the second half involves a revenge plot of almost Shakespearean proportions. This might actually be my favorite silent Fritz Lang movie now.
Muppet Treasure Island (dir. Brian Henson, 1996)
I understand that people have different tastes and all, but how does this movie have such a mixed reception? It’s absolutely hilarious. How could anybody get through the scene with “THA BLACK SPOT AGGHHHHHHH” and not declare this a masterpiece of comedy? And I risk being excommunicated from the Muppet fandom for saying it, but I like this one more than The Great Muppet Caper. It’s probably now my second favorite Muppet movie.
Belle de Jour (dir. Luis Bunuel, 1967)
I confess I’m not terribly fond of “but was it real???” movies. They tend to feel gimmicky more often than not. Belle de Jour is an exception. This is about more than a repressed housewife getting her kicks working as a daytime prostitute. The film delves into victim blaming, trauma, class, and identity-- sure, this sounds academic and dry when I put it that way, but what I’m trying to say is that these are very complicated characters and the blurring of fantasy and reality becomes thought-provoking rather than trite due to that complexity.
Secondhand Lions (dir. Tim McCanlies, 2003)
The term “family movie” is often used as a synonym for “children’s movie.” However, there is an important distinction: children’s movies only appeal to kids, while family movies retain their appeal as one grows up. Secondhand Lions is perhaps a perfect family movie, with a great deal more nuance than one might expect regarding the need for storytelling and its purpose in creating meaning for one’s life. It’s also amazingly cast: Haley Joel Osment is excellent as the juvenile lead, and Michael Caine and Robert Duvall steal the show as Osment’s eccentric uncles.
The Pawnbroker (dir. Sidney Lumet, 1964)
Controversial in its day for depicting frontal nudity, The Pawnbroker shocks today for different reasons. As the top review of the film on IMDB says, we’re used to victims of great atrocities being presented as sympathetic, good people in fiction. Here, Rod Steiger’s Sol Nazerman subverts such a trope: his suffering at the hands of the Nazis has made him a hard, closed-off person, dismissive of his second wife (herself also a survivor of the Holocaust), cold to his friendly assistant, and bitter towards himself. The movie follows Nazerman’s postwar life, vividly presenting his inner pain in a way that is almost too much to bear. Gotta say, Steiger gives one of the best performances I have ever seen in a movie here: he’s so three-dimensional and complex. The emotions on his face are registered with Falconetti-level brilliance.
The Apartment (dir. Billy Wilder, 1960)
While not the most depressing Christmas movie ever, The Apartment certainly puts a good injection of cynicism into the season. I have rarely seen a movie so adept at blending comedy, romance, and satire without feeling tone-deaf. There are a lot of things to praise about The Apartment, but I want to give a special shoutout to the dialogue. “Witty” dialogue that sounds natural is hard to come by-- so often, it just feels smart-assy and strained. Not here.
Anatomy of a Murder (dir. Otto Preminger, 1959)
I’m not big into courtroom dramas, but Anatomy of a Murder is a big exception. Its morally ambiguous characters elevate it from being a mere “whodunit” (or I guess in the case of this movie, “whydunit”), because if there’s something you’re not going to get with this movie, it’s a clear answer as to what happened on the night of the crime. Jimmy Stewart gives one of his least characteristic performances as the cynical lawyer, and is absolutely brilliant.
Oldboy (dir. Park Chan-Wook, 2003)
Oldboy reminded me a great deal of John Webster’s 17th century tragedy The Duchess of Malfi. Both are gruesome, frightening, and heartbreaking works of art, straddling the line between sensationalism and intelligence, proving the two are not mutually exclusive. It’s both entertaining and difficult to watch. The thought of revisiting it terrifies me but I feel there is so much more to appreciate about the sheer craft on display.
Family Plot (dir. Alfred Hitchcock, 1976)
Family Plot is an enjoyable comedy; you guys are just mean. I know in an ideal world, Hitchcock’s swan song would be a great thriller masterpiece in the vein of Vertigo or Psycho. Family Plot is instead a silly send-up of Hitchcock’s favorite tropes, lampooning everything from the dangerous blonde archetype (with not one but two characters) to complicated MacGuffin plots. You’ll probably demand my film buff card be revoked for my opinion, but to hell with it-- this is my favorite of Hitchcock’s post-Psycho movies.
My Best Girl (dir. Sam Taylor, 1927)
Mary Pickford’s farewell to silent film also happens to be among her best movies. It’s a simple, charming romantic comedy starring her future husband, Charles “Buddy” Rogers. Pickford also gets to play an adult character here, rather than the little girl parts her public demanded she essay even well into her thirties. She and Rogers are sweet together without being diabetes-inducing, and the comedy is often laugh out loud funny. It even mocks a few tropes that anyone who watches enough old movies will recognize and probably dislike-- such as “break his heart to save him!!” (my personal most loathed 1920s/1930s trope).
Parasite (dir. Bong Joon-ho, 2019)
This feels like such a zeitgeist movie. It’s about the gap between the rich and the poor, it’s ironic, it’s depressing, it’s unpredictable as hell. I don’t like terms like “modern classic,” because by its very definition, a classic can only be deemed as such after a long passage of time, but I have a good feeling Parasite will be considered one of the definitive films of the 2010s in the years to come.
Indiscreet (dir. Stanley Donen, 1958)
Indiscreet often gets criticized for not being Notorious more or less, which is a shame. It’s not SUPPOSED to be-- it’s cinematic souffle and both Ingrid Bergman and Cary Grant elevate that light material with their perfect chemistry and comedic timing. It’s also refreshing to see a rom-com with characters over 40 as the leads-- and the movie does not try to make them seem younger or less mature, making the zany moments all the more hilarious. It’s worth seeing for Cary Grant’s jig (picture above) alone.
The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (dir. Joseph Sargent, 1974)
This movie embodies so much of what I love about 70s cinema: it’s gritty, irreverent, and hard-hitting. It’s both hilarious and suspenseful-- I was tense all throughout the run time. I heard there was a remake and it just seems... so, so pointless when you already have this gem perfect as it is.
They All Laughed (dir. Peter Bogdonavich, 1981)
Bogdonavich’s lesser known homage to 1930s screwball comedy is also a weirdly autumnal movie. Among the last gasps of the New Hollywood movement, it is also marks the final time Audrey Hepburn would star in a theatrical release. The gentle comedy, excellent ensemble cast (John Ritter is the standout), and the mature but short-lived romance between Hepburn and Ben Gazarra’s characters make this a memorably bittersweet gem.
The Palm Beach Story (dir. Preston Sturges, 1942)
Absolutely hilarious. I was watching this with my parents in the room. My mom tends to like old movies while my dad doesn’t, but both of them were laughing aloud at this one. Not much else to say about it, other than I love Joel McCrea the more movies I see him in-- though it’s weird seeing him in comedies since I’m so used to him as a back-breaking man on the edge in The Most Dangerous Game!
Nothing Sacred (dir. William Wellman, 1937)
I tend to associate William Wellman with the pre-code era, so I’ve tried delving more into his post-code work. Nothing Sacred is easily my favorite of those films thus far, mainly for Carole Lombard but also because the story still feels pretty fresh due to the jabs it takes at celebrity worship and moral hypocrisy. For a satire, it’s still very warm towards its characters, even when they’re misbehaving or deluding themselves, so it’s oddly a feel-good film too.
Applause (dir. Rouben Mamoulian, 1929)
I love watching early sound movies, but my inner history nerd tends to enjoy them more than the part of me that, well, craves good, well-made movies. Most early sound films are pure awkward, but there’s always an exception and Applause is one of them. While the plot’s backstage melodrama is nothing special, the way the story is told is super sophisticated and expressive for this period of cinema history, and Helen Morgan makes the figure of the discarded burlesque queen seem truly human and tragic rather than merely sentimental.
Topaz (dir. Alfred Hitchcock, 1969)
Another late Hitchcock everyone but me seems to hate. After suffering through Torn Curtain, I expected Hitchcock’s other cold war thriller was going to be dull as dishwater, but instead I found an understated espionage movie standing in stark contrast to the more popular spy movies of the period. It’ll never be top Hitchcock, of course-- still it was stylish and enjoyable, with some truly haunting moments. I think it deserves more appreciation than it’s been given.
What were your favorite cinematic discoveries in 2020?
#thoughts#belle de jour#topaz#family plot#the taking of pelham 123#the pawnbroker#nothing sacred#my best girl#applause#muppet treasure island#perfect blue#die niebelungen#parasite#the good the bad and the ugly#the palm beach story#they all laughed#indiscreet#oldboy#anatomy of a murder#the apartment#secondhand lions
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Rewatching TDK Trilogy
Easily my favorite superhero trilogy and arguably one of my favorite trilogies of all time. I think in terms of superhero trilogies, Captain America is the one that comes closest because I love all three movies, but they aren’t a trilogy in the normal sense in that Civil War is essentially Avengers 2.5 and neither Civil War nor Winter Soldier can be understood without having watched Avengers and Age of Ultron. But even putting that aside, I adore TDK trilogy and it still ranks as my favorite superhero movies. The trilogy, obviously starting with Batman Begins, is what put introduced me to Nolan. I hadn’t seen Memento and Insomnia till then so Batman Begins was literally my first introduction to him.
I was always a big Batman fan as a huge follower of the DCAU cartoons with Kevin Conroy voicing a really badass Batman throughout the 90′s and into the early 2000′s. While I enjoyed the first 4 Batman movies as a kid, yes even B&R, I always wanted to see the more somber version from the cartoons. Batman Begins hit me at the perfect time where I started to have longer attention spans and wasn’t just looking for the next action scene. Rewatching the movie, it amazes me that Batman doesn’t show up for half the movie. I think that was a really brave call given pretty much all previous Batman movies introduced Batman almost immediately. I genuinely love all the prelude to Bruce becoming Batman. I liked that we got to see his training extensively and we are introduced to the city and see the dynamics of the rich and the poor, the police, the mob, the lawyers etc... It really gives Gotham a very grounded personality. I think Nolan really killed it at the casting level. By getting Caine as Alfred, Freeman as Fox, and Oldman as Gordon, he created a superbly acted support structure around Bruce/Batman, so we aren’t just always waiting for Bruce to show up. On top of that, they had Liam Neeson as Ra’s, who is effortlessly compelling, as well as other strong supporting actors like Cillian Murphy as a scene stealing Scarecrow, Tom Wilkinson as Falcone, Rutger Hauer as Earle etc... All giving personality to a difference facet of the city and Bruce’s life. But this truly is Bale’s movie. I didn’t know him at all prior to this film, but I have been a fan ever since. He carries the movie on his shoulders and he delivers the ferociousness of Batman and the humanity of Bruce Wayne effortlessly. If there is someone who doesn’t make a big impression, its Katie Holmes. I didn’t find her terrible, but rather the character isn’t exactly well written which bleeds into the next movie with Maggie Gyllenhall as well. My favorite Batman performance. Rewatching, what surprised me the most is the amount of humor in the movie. This is actually reflective of the entire trilogy. The movies deal with darkness and death, but there is actually plenty of humor sprinkled throughout these movies which prevent it from being dour. There have been a lot of superhero origin stories, but this still remains the gold standard of superhero origin stories. A 9/10 for me.
There is nothing I can say about The Dark Knight that hasn’t been said a 100 times over. It quite literally is the best comic book movie of all time. But it basically is at heart a drama about Gotham. Whereas BB acts as a character centric piece, this film is about all the characters living in Gotham. Arguable, the character that has the biggest arc in the film is Harvey Dent. Again, the casting department knocked it out of the park with the casting of Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent. Unfortunately, Eckhart never really capitalized on his performance here because he really was terrific in the film, both as Harvey and as Two-Face, to the point where you wished you had more of Two-Face. Gary Oldman gave his best work in the trilogy in this movie. The desperation as the situation spins out of control is fabulous. Freeman also has a very meaty role in the movie and continues to add a lot of weight to the scenes as well as plenty of humor, as does Michael Caine. Christian Bale continued to be terrific. There were some complaints about his voice, which I feel have been overexaggerated over the years. I definitely think his Begins voice is better, but barring one or two scenes, I never really had an issue with Bale’s voice in this film. He delivers a very nuanced performance. Maggie Gyllenhaal took over from Katie Holmes in TDK and while I think she is a far better actress than Katie Holmes, I think the character itself is not very well written. In both movies, Rachel comes off as very judgmental. Whereas in BB I can understand her reason in being so, given Bruce was ready to commit murder and later was out being a playboy in front of her for the sake of appearances, in this movie she is judgmental towards Bruce even though she knows what he has been doing to help the city. Also, she did come off a bit flaky in the whole Bruce/Rachel/Harvey triangle. And then there is Heath Ledger. There are very few performances that I consider perfect. This is one of them. I think every choice Ledger makes in this movie, be it intentional or unintentional, works amazingly well. Like him licking his lips to keep the make up on. It just adds a creepy quality to his character, even if it is completely unintentional. There are so many ticks and quirks in Ledger’s performance that make this a phenomenal performance. I don’t see any villain performance having matches that since 2008. I think the closest I have seen prior to that is Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lector in Silence of the Lambs. It really is a performance that adds such a big extra edge to the movie. I love that Nolan sticks to certain details such as Bruce never actually drinking alcohol and throwing it away at the part and then Joker showing up and taking a glass and him spilling almost all of it. It gives a lot of personality to the characters. If I have any complaint about the movie, it is that Bruce does at times feel like a stationary character as he does not have as big of an arc as a Harvey Dent. And if you want, you can pick apart the holes in the series of events that happen that cause the chaos. But the drama of the film is just so intense that you forget all of that behind. I give it a 9.5/10
The Dark Knight Rises to me is the film that gets often maligned just because it isn’t TDK. And that is a crazy yardstick to compare it to. But as a movie on its own, its pretty damn awesome. TDKR is where the film truly steps away from being a version of the comics to being an Elseworld story with Batman having been absent for 8 years and then Bruce retiring and leaving Gotham at the end of the movie. But I don’t think there was any way for Nolan to close out his trilogy without it becoming an Elseworld story and it really didn’t matter because I always figured that as long as Bruce is out there, if Gotham needed him, he would come back. Its not as if there aren’t existing comic book stories of Bruce having retired or left being Batman behind. Again, there is some superb new casting. JGL ends up being surprising integral and he is terrific. Tom Hardy is awesome as Bane. He manages to provide a terrifying presence. I actually loved his voice. I love that a terrifying brute of a man has a polite, gentlemanly sounding voice. It gave him a unique personality. Marion Cotillard is pretty good as Talia/Miranda. She has an awkwardly filmed death scene but she’s good throughout the rest of the film, particularly during the reveal scene. But the casting of the movie for me was Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle. I knew Anne Hathaway mostly from the Princess Bride movies till then even though she had gotten an academy award nomination by then. But I really didn’t envisage her as Selina Kyle but she blew me out of the water with her performance. She was seductive, yet very likable. I love the clever costume design of her goggles looking like cat ears when she puts them up. I also love Nolan’s version of the Lazarus Pit. Certainly Bruce’s climb out of the pit is one of the most compelling scenes of the movie. You truly feel the emotion. The film also has one of the best acted scenes I have scene between Michael Caine and Christian Bale in the hallway. Its the scene I remember first whenever I think about TDKR. Oscar quality acting by both in that scene. The returning cast is all terrific but Michael Caine has a few gut wrenching scenes, including this one and the scene at the funeral at the end. Oldman and Freeman continue to be stalwarts throughout the movie, I really admire that Nolan did not waste these actors and given them very substantial roles in all the movies and all these actors really respected the material to not sleep walk through the roles. I think Bale’s performance here rivals his performance in Begins. Particularly in the scenes in the Pit. You get to see a full range of emotions, from pain, to despair, to anger, to hope. Its a superb performance. The film isn’t flawless. Its just a tad too long and there is some clunky editing at times. None of the three films can be said to contain very memorable action sequences because Nolan is not known to have great action sequences in his film until more recently, but the drama in the action negates that. Like, the Bane vs Batman fight where Bane breaks Batman, isn’t the greatest action scene in terms of fight choreography, but there is a lot weight to these characters which is what makes it incredibly compelling. Same is true to an extent for the climax at the end. When Batman beats Bane, I felt a sense of satisfaction after what I had witnessed in the previous fight. Overall, I genuinely feel that I love the last act of TDKR the most out of all three films. The Batplane, Batpod, and Tumbler chase scene was thrilling and it was cool to watch all three Bat vehicles in operation. The ending montage also ends the movie on a real uplifting note for all characters, which is very satisfying. I really love the movie. A 9/10.
It has to be said that Zimmer’s score across all three films contributes enormously to these movies. All in all, these set of movies are still my favorite superhero movies and my favorite Nolan movies till date.
#batman#batman begins#the dark knight#the dark knight rises#christopher nolan#christian bale#michael caine#heath ledger#morgan freeman#gary oldman#anne hathaway#tom hardy#joseph gordon levitt#liam neeson#cillian murphy#hans zimmer#katie holmes#maggie gyllenhaal#aaron eckhart
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A Few Thoughts About the Current Run
I feel like I ought to say a few things about my feelings on Zdarsky’s run, as of right now (August 2020, pre-Annual-- that may be important). I haven’t said much about this run, and I should admit that I actually stopped reading it for a while. At a certain point, I realized I was dreading the release of each preview, and took that as a sign that maybe I should take a break and just re-read some back issues instead. This is, above all, supposed to be fun; I never, ever want reading DD to feel like a chore.
That said, I am now caught up and feel ready to begin untangling exactly why this run is so distasteful to me. I’ve been fortunate to have other DD fans to chat with about this, which has helped me to pinpoint what my problems are... because on paper, this run seems like something I’d enjoy. Matt accidentally kills a guy; that’s always fun. Marco Checchetto is great. The story explores Daredevil’s relationship with the citizens of Hell’s Kitchen, which I love. Foggy helps Matt with an action-y Daredevil thing; that’s awesome. There are some very cool fights. Elektra is in it. Stilt-Man is (briefly) in it. It has all the trappings of an interesting narrative. But there is a giant hole in the middle of this run, and that hole is Matt Murdock-shaped and impossible to ignore.
I read Daredevil comics for a lot of things (anyone who’s been following me for the past few years might think I read Daredevil comics for Mike Murdock, and you may have a point there) but first and foremost, I read them for Matt. There is a lot that makes a good DD story great-- historically, the comic has featured great supporting casts, and that’s another problem with this run that I’ll get back to in a minute-- but Matt is always the anchor. One of the greatest strengths in Daredevil comes from the fact that the protagonist is such a compelling character. You are interested in what he’s doing. You want to follow his story. You enjoy being inside his head. I’m not saying that you can’t write a good Matt-free Daredevil story-- you definitely can. But if Matt is present and written poorly, the whole story will collapse around him, and that’s been my experience with Zdarsky’s run. Part of the reason I’ve taken so long to write this post is because I’ve been trying to figure out if my complaint comes from my own personal taste-- which is not a basis on which I can critique this comic-- or whether the problem is inherent in the work itself. Having discussed it with other people, I feel comfortable saying that I think the problem is in the writing.
Zdarsky’s Matt feels profoundly unfamiliar to me, and that in itself isn’t necessarily a problem, but I don’t find this new version of my favorite superhero interesting. I actually find him a little repellant. If this run had been my introduction to Daredevil, I would’ve said “Nope” and read something else. Matt is a character with depth. He is intensely multifaceted. His relationship to superheroing is complicated, his views on justice and morality are rich and often contradictory. Zdarsky somehow missed all of that and has crafted a one-dimensional character with a blatantly black-and-white sense of morality. Matt’s reaction to accidentally killing someone seems to be to decide that all superheroes are bad-- something I complained about at the beginning of the run and which, unfortunately, only grew more annoying as the story progressed. Zdarsky’s Matt is painfully self-righteous, to a degree that makes him extremely unlikeable (at least to me). And yes, Matt has been written as unlikeable before. I actually love when Matt behaves badly; I find that fascinating from a narrative perspective. But I���ve realized that the key reason that has been effective in the past is because the story has never condoned that behavior. When Matt was emotionally abusive toward Heather Glenn, Frank Miller went out of his way to show us-- via the side characters, via blatant expressions of Heather’s pain-- that Matt was in the wrong. When Matt was a jerk in Bendis’ and Brubaker’s runs, when he drove his friends away, when he acted irrationally and harmfully, the narrative commented on that jerkiness and irrationality.
But Zdarsky does not do that in his run. He presents Matt’s irrational and jerkish behavior without comment or nuance, as if it’s a perfectly normal, reasonable way for Matt to act under the circumstances, and I have been surprised to realize how distasteful I find that, and how bad it makes Matt look. There’s a difference between having a character who is comfortably flawed-- whose behavior you’re supposed to occasionally question-- and a character who is just unpleasant and unlikeable, seemingly by accident. In the most recent issue (#21), Matt has an extremely upsetting interaction with Spider-Man, one of his oldest friends, and Matt is positioned as heroic for behaving this way, and it made me feel a little ill, because there’s no textual examination or questioning of this behavior. It’s just Matt, pushing people away, being Angsty(TM) and Gritty(TM) and lone wolf-y just because, in a way that is grating and unpleasant and completely lacks nuance.
The other major element of Zdarsky’s characterization of Matt is religion. I’ve mentioned before (as have other DD fans before me) that Matt is not generally written as religious, and it’s a strange phenomenon that this characterization has appeared in multiple adaptations (the movie and the Netflix show) while having very little actual presence in the source material. But it was a key theme in the Netflix show, and while hopefully that influence will disappear from the comics as more time passes, we are still in a honeymoon phase wherein MCU elements are still popping up in the 616 universe. It’s clear that Zdarsky really liked the show, and Soule as well; I’m certainly not letting Soule off the hook here, because the idea of Matt being devoutly Christian showed up his run first. But there, you could get away from it if it wasn’t your thing (which, for me, it’s not). Soule had whole story arcs that didn’t mention it. But Zdarsky has made it 75% of Matt’s personality. When he isn’t fighting or sleeping with someone in this run, Matt is angsting about God.
I hesitate to complain about this because it’s Zdarsky’s right as a DD writer to change the protagonist however he likes. It’s frustrating, yes, but not actually a sign of bad writing per se. Plus, not everyone is me. Many people-- probably including many people who were fans of the Netflix show and are entering the comics via that connection (which seems to be the target audience for this run)-- may be religious and may connect to MCU/Zdarsky Matt in that way. And that’s wonderful. I want to be very clear: it’s not the religiousness itself that I’m complaining about. My complaint is this: if you’re going to drastically alter a character, you need to back it up. You need to dig into it, make that new personality element feel powerful and real, and integrate it into the character’s pre-existing personality. And if you’re going to base the entirety of that character’s emotional journey on that new trait, you need to work to make sure it’s accessible to your readership. I, as a non-religious person, have no sense of why Matt is so upset about God. I have no frame of reference for his pain, either from my own experiences or from previous Daredevil continuity, and Zdarsky does nothing to develop or explore the basis of Matt’s faith, and so it all just falls flat. I feel alienated by this run. I see an angsty, self-righteous, prickly jerk ranting about needing to do God’s will, and then I put the issue down and read some She-Hulk instead. If Zdarsky (or Soule-- again, he could have done this too) had made an effort to actually explore and explain Matt’s feelings about his religion, rather than lazily shoving that characterization in there and assuming readers will just accept it, it wouldn’t bother me nearly as much as it has.
Also, I feel I have to mention; this is a fantasy universe. Matt went to Hell and yelled at Mephisto in Nocenti’s run, and it was awesome. Maybe this is just me, but if you’re going to bring in religion, at least have some fun with it! Bookend Nocenti’s run: Matt goes to Heaven, runs into God, and she gives him some free therapy and a souvenir t-shirt (or, I don’t know, something). To give Zdarsky credit, he did at least hint at that sort of thing in Matt’s conversation with Reed Richards in #9.
I'm going to cut this post short, because I really don’t enjoy writing negative reviews. I’d much rather post about things I love, and over the next few weeks I do plan to highlight aspects of this run that I’ve enjoyed. But I’ll end by saying that the weaknesses in Matt’s characterization could have been mitigated by a great supporting cast. Having prominent secondary protagonists would have provided outside perspectives on Matt’s behavior and given the reader other characters to root for when he got too out-of-hand. They would have drawn out the human elements in Matt’s character and helped give him that nuance he so desperately needs. But this run, just like Soule’s before it, is woefully underpopulated. Foggy’s presence is extremely weak and his appearances far too infrequent. Apart from brief cameos in MacKay’s Man Without Fear mini, Kirsten McDuffie and Sam Chung have both vanished, and I’m worried that Kirsten might have joined Milla Donovan in the limbo of still-living-but-permanently-benched ex-love interests. The women in this run are all either villains or people for Matt to sleep with (I was pumped about Elektra’s return and the idea of her training Matt, but her characterization was disappointing (I may write a separate post about this), and Mindy Libris could have been really compelling as a moral person trying to survive life in a crime family, but instead she was just a one-note, underdeveloped victim for Matt to lust after). To Zdarsky’s credit, he has clearly been trying to give the Kingpin a humanizing story arc, but even that I haven’t found compelling enough to want to keep reading (though that could just be me). Cole North was intriguing at first, but he ended up feeling more like a concept than an actual person. And none of these characters engage with Matt on a human, emotional level, which is what a good supporting cast needs to do. I commented early-on that this run felt like all flash and no bang (Is that a term? It is now.) and I think I still stand by that-- it’s all bombastic plot concepts and big ideas without any of the actual development or nuance necessary to make them work. There is nothing in this run that has pulled me in and held my interest; in the absence of a Matt I can connect to, I need something, and so far I haven’t found it.
I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. This run was nominated for an Eisner for best ongoing series, so apparently someone likes it, but it has become clear that-- so far, anyway-- it’s just not right for me.
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A Lipless Face That I Want to Marry, Ch. 7
<- Chapter 6 | Chapter 8 ->
Summary: I gave myself a stomach ache writing this one 🙃
2,961 words
Thirty-two days. Nine surgeries. Twenty blood transfusions.
Sometimes it seemed like just yesterday when everything was going right—you and Frederick were so happy together, his books were selling, your career was flourishing, and he had just asked you to marry him. Sometimes, it felt like a lifetime ago. A state of being so foreign, you wondered if it had even been real, or if you were remembering someone else’s life.
Seasons turned. Cherry blossoms were starting to bloom in the parks around Maryland, and each gust of cool wind carried with it their sweet pink fragrance. The spring air vibrated and sang with life renewed. But where you were headed, the air was stagnant, beige, and sterile.
As the automatic sliding glass doors drew you into the hospital, away from the sun, a piece of your heart withered like a flower. It sank deeper when you considered how the unhappy hours you whiled away in those sterile halls were nothing compared to what Frederick had to endure. He didn’t have the luxury of being able to leave.
Physically, he was beginning to show signs of real improvement. The pneumonia had completely cleared up, and he was starting to receive permanent transplants from the cutting-edge, lab-grown skin created from his own cells. Most of his body was still wrapped up in gauze, but a few places had only received second-degree burns, and those patches were almost back to normal. For the first time since the attack, his odds of not dying were higher than his odds of dying.
Mentally was a different story. His moods grew progressively more sour. With none of his true nemeses at hand to take out his bitterness on, that burden fell upon his nurses, doctors, and upon you—and it was beginning to weigh heavily. At first you didn’t want to see the rift that was forming, even as he cut your visiting hours short in an angry huff, and had fewer and fewer kind words for you. You shoved every fear and frustration into a box at the back of your mind so you could keep smiling. He was just in pain, you kept telling yourself. He just needed time.
You held onto the hope that as he got better, your relationship would return to what it had been before. But he was getting better, and the rift grew wider.
“We’ll still want to wait at least six months to do the procedure, until your infection risk has dropped to baseline levels for a healthy adult, but we’re putting you on the transplant waiting list now,” the doctor explained. She was one of his regular surgeons who had been with him since day one. She wore a white lab coat over blue scrubs, and hid behind a clipboard as she spoke. You liked the that she needed to use the file as a shield—it made her relatable. Always friendly, and clearly a skilled surgeon, but uncomfortable with the heavy emotional talking to patients, especially to Dr. Frederick Chilton, who was always in a bad mood, and always ready with a scathing remark.
But today he had nothing to say. No critique on the hospital’s competence. No casual observations with hidden barbs. Just a silent nod of acknowledgment before turning his head to gaze out the window at the fresh spring flowers, framed by the sea of fake ones you had bought.
Francis Dolarhyde, the Red Dragon, had bitten Frederick’s mouth with such extreme ferocity there was not enough connective muscle left to reconstruct new lips from Frederick’s own tissue. The only option for him to look normal again would be a face transplant—donated facial muscle, skin, and hair from a cadaver—although the doctor explained that the procedure was risky. After taking the transplant, Frederick would be put on immunosurpressant drugs for the rest of his life to prevent rejection, which meant every flu season, or even a coworker with a cold, could turn deadly without careful precaution. But to Frederick, it was worth the risk. He couldn’t bear spending his life being stared at. He couldn’t even stand you looking at the black hole that was his face.
Yet what the doctor explained about the procedure added weight after weight to Frederick’s chest until he felt crushed by despair.
The donated tissue had to be a very close match, or his antibodies would reject the new lips. Unlike receiving a heart or a kidney, his new skin had to be an aesthetic match as well. It could not be from too old a donor, or the skin would lack the proper elasticity. And, unfortunately, most organ donors were not comfortable donating external organs—it ruins the open-casket wake.
So, he could be waiting on a match for a very long time.
You thanked the clipboard-wielding doctor when Frederick remained sulking, not bothering to look up as she left. He adjusted himself slightly to follow a flash of movement—a bird—out the window, and winced as it tugged his unyielding scar tissue. Something tore under his armpit, but he didn’t yelp in pain—he was used to this level of it by now—but his eyes watered.
“At least you can sit up a little bit now. That’s great, isn’t it?” you said in an attempt to cheer him up.
He scoffed, and made no immediate reply.
Years, was all he kept thinking. It could take up to three years to find a match, possibly longer, the doctor said.
“Up to three years or longer,” he growled sarcastically. “She does realize that means nothing? It means any time, or never.”
“I know...”
“But thank god at least I can sit,” he spat bitterly. “A little.”
You were taken aback by his sharp rebuke and fell silent, a cavernous gulf between you though you sat right beside his bed. As you recovered from the sting, however, his words made you smile. He had always been churlish, but recently all of the spirit had been eroded away from his petty attitudes, leaving him defeated and mean. It was nice to hear his churlishness take on a spark of sarcastic sass.
“Don’t lose hope, darling,” you said in an overly-sweet patronizing cadence. “One day you’ll have enough movement back to flip her off.”
He paused, eyes flicking over to you curiously. You had been downtrodden for weeks, too, and he hadn’t expected a joke. He chuckled appreciatively. You wished the good moments lasted longer these days.
It wasn’t as though his life had ended, even if his full cosmetic recovery would take a little longer than he hoped, and even if he was bedridden for several more months. It was that sharp mind and wit that made you fall in love with him, and he still had that. He could keep you entertained for hours discussing some arcane piece of trivia or sharing lurid gossip. Since he was cut off from his normal sources of scuttlebutt, you kept him updated on all the latest rumors you’d learned over dinner with Jack Crawford—about the shitstorm he’d brought down on himself at the FBI when Will Graham went rogue, how Alana and her wife fled the country (but you heard they might be in Cuba), Freddie Lounds being sued again. He always enjoyed hearing about other people’s misfortunes, but today it just made him jealous that you’d been spending time with Jack.
“You have both recently lost a spouse. What comfort you must take in each other,” he insinuated.
“I haven’t lost you, Frederick.”
You went into that sentence thinking you were convincing him that you loved him, but as it closed, you realized you were desperate to convince yourself he wasn’t gone. The more you tried to hold him close, the more you felt him pulling away, and felt a creeping dread that even if he got better, you would lose him. Everything you tried to say to reassure him only made him feel worse, and you wondered if it was your fault. Someone more capable, more empathetic, would know the right things to say. You were a failure. He deserved more.
His professional life, too, hadn’t ended. His injury would barely be a bump in the road to his writing career if he wasn’t so stubborn and prideful. The publisher offered to send a ghostwriter to finish The Dragon Slayer, for which they greedily anticipated a significant boost in sales, considering the author’s headline-making personal involvement in the Red Dragon’s end. Frederick, however, refused to be interviewed by “some insipid amateur.” He claimed they would not understand the nuances of psychology required, and stood firm on the grounds of “artistic integrity,” but the truth was, he did not want anybody else to see him.
His face had not made it into the papers, despite several attempts by Freddie Lounds to sneak into the hospital with a hidden camera, and he did not want any more of the world than absolutely necessary to know the extent of what the Dragon had done to him. He did not want to see the shock in the writer’s eyes at seeing his disgusting lipless teeth. He did not want a stranger to see him inevitably start drooling the longer he spoke—and he hated repeating himself to people who could not understand his impaired diction.
No. Publishing The Dragon Slayer would have to wait, though the possibility of another author beating him to the punch bothered him nearly as much as his missing lips. After an entire month recuperating, he thought he would at least be able to type again, but he could barely move his gauze-mittened fingers.
The world had not forgotten him, evidenced by the occasional fan-mail the publisher forwarded to him. You would bring them in and read them—a lot of get-well-soons, and entreaties to hear his side of the Francis Dolarhyde story. A lot of them were from professionals and students in the psychiatric field, pointing out errors or suggesting contradictory theories. Those were the most fun to read, because Frederick would come alive with indignation, debating with the letter as if its sender could hear him, sometimes making you send a response, seething with superiority as he dictated.
In those brief moments, it was like having the old Frederick back. Then a nurse would come in and need to run a test, or feed him, or something else that embarrassed him back into his shell of anger. Or he would grow too animated and rip one of his grafts, and his zeal for argument would end precipitously with a scream, and a surgeon.
As you shuffled a handful of addressed envelopes and started reading through the latest batch of strangers wishing him a healthy recovery, you were struck by a thought.
“Why haven’t I met your family?”
The wind caught in his throat. His scabbed-over nostrils flared before he answered, “I doubt that is what the letter reads.”
“They never visit, even when… even when you could have died. My parents even flew in that first week, when they heard. They helped me with the flowers. Why do your fans send more condolences than your family?”
Gritting ones teeth does not come easily when ones teeth are constantly bared by default, but Frederick grit his teeth. “My mother is old. She can hardly be expected to travel.”
A plausible answer, but not the full story. His discomfort with the subject only spurred your curiosity. All the time you’d been together, you had simply accepted Frederick as an individual, with no need for a childhood backstory or a group of others sharing his features and last name to complete him. You’d gathered, in snippets, that their relationship was not the best, and were satisfied to leave it alone. But he nearly died. The nurse who asked you about his next of kin looked so confused when you had no one you could contact, and it made you feel foolish for never having asked.
“It’s just, we’re going to be married.”
“So?” he said, a hard, mocking edge to his voice.
“So, if I’m going to be part of your family, isn’t it weird that I’ve never met them?”
Instead of answering directly, he snarled, “Look somewhere else.”
“I wasn’t staring!”
“Look. Somewhere. Else.”
You huffed, and sat back in your uncomfortable plastic chair whose unpadded seat bruised your butt after countless hours, crossing your arms. The box full of anger was overstuffed. You shoved its contents down like clothing in a suitcase to squeeze one more sting of hurt inside, but it began to overflow. “I swear I don’t stare at your face any more than I used to,” you muttered aloud what was supposed to remain a thought, “but now every interaction needs to be a carefully calculated balance between not looking at you enough to feel gawked at, and not not-looking enough to make you feel like I’m averting my eyes from your horrible face.” At the word “horrible,” you wiggled your fingers and wavered your voice the way the vampire running a children’s haunted house would say the word “spooky.”
“I am sorry my suffering is so inconvenient for you,” he said in clipped, cold syllables, and you knew you’d pushed him too far.
“I’m just saying, you know I don’t care about your face. You’re acting the same way as when you got shot, and you got over that. You know I still think you’re beautiful. Can’t you give me some credit and just stop freaking out?”
Being stuck in a hospital bed with limited range of motion, he had few resources with which to express anger, but his chest rose and fell and his breath hissed like steam through his nose. “You...” he seethed. “You never care about the pain I suffer, do you? You, in your fantasy world where you accept my injuries and make it all better—you have no idea what it is like to be violated. To have your body ripped apart! It is not a thing one ‘gets over.’ Beautiful? That is rich coming from one who would not know how to tuck in a shirt without my guidance. It must be lovely in whatever quaint children’s storybook your mind inhabits, but in the real world, appearance matters. It matters to me. Your fetish does not stop every sane individual from seeing ugliness. You believe I should be delighted to have a partner who calls ugliness beauty and trivializes my grief? I should have had you analyzed years ago—my judgment was compromised by my relationship with you. I could not see. Your attachment increases with my physical deterioration. You prefer me broken.”
“That… that isn’t true! How dare—”
“You could barely tolerate me before Abel Gideon took my kidney. I was shot in the face and suddenly you professed your love. What shall it be this time? Ah, yes—marriage. You must be elated.” He rolled the words over his tongue in that distinctively upper-class way that was almost musical, yet bone-cuttingly brutal.
“Stop. This had nothing to do with it—you proposed to me!”
His eyes had been flashing with energy behind the bandages as you argued, but all the anger in them vanished like a message written in steam on a bathroom mirror. They took on a dull, blank glaze.
“Then I take it back,” he said. You wished you believed he meant the accusation. His head shifted toward you, but his dull stare seemed to look right through you to the door. “The engagement is over.”
Your throat dried up. “You don’t mean that,” you said, voice barely above a whisper.
“I will not be with one who gains pleasure from my mutilation. Get out of my room. There are some amputees over in the rehabilitation ward; go explore your fetishes elsewhere.”
He couldn’t be serious, and yet there was no hint of sarcasm or hyperbole in his flat tone. He meant it. You were surprised to find that you weren’t sad. Your hands began trembling uncontrollably, the tiny convulsions working their way from your extremities to your shoulders, tightly clenching in your gut, but it wasn’t sadness. The overfilled box tore open at the seams, exploding its pressurized contents, and weeks of frustration shattered against the walls and cascaded out over the floor.
“Fine!” you stood up from the hated plastic chair so sharply it scraped across the laminate floor and tipped over backward. “I can’t put up with a second more of this, anyway! I can’t keep walking on eggshells waiting for you to snap—if this is the way it’s going to be from now on, then marrying you would be a nightmare.”
If you had seen him flinch as if your words had physically wounded him, then you might have stopped shouting. A surge of pity might have overwhelmed you, and you might have broken down sobbing. He might not have been able to go through with it, then. Seeing you blubbering with heavy, hot tears rolling down your face, he might have said he was sorry, like he wished he could have said if only he were not so much like his father.
But you were too angry to look at him, and you didn’t see him flinch.
So a moment later when your back was in the doorway, instead of I’m sorry, he said, “Keep the ring. Sell it, and get a new apartment. Do not come back.”
“Fuck you!”
#Frederick Chilton x reader#frederick chilton#Raúl Esparza#hannibal#angst#my writing#and now as a reward I finally get to read beccabarba's Chilton fic :D
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ShieldShock Holiday Fic 2020 FOR @ava-rosier
At Ao3: Snowbound Christmas
Prompts:
-There's only one hotel room left and it's a blizzard outside and There Is Only One Bed.
-Either at a Mall or an Airport during the busy holiday season, a villain is trying to steal/ruin the holidays and Steve and Darcy, who are both there for Reasons, team up to foil the dastardly plot.
-When Darcy wore her new, risqué Captain America xmas/holiday sweater to work that day, she didn't expect that he would actually...y'know...SEE it.
---
So, it’s been a while since I wrote. Hi, friends!!! :) But I adore ShieldShock still and will always adore @mcgregorswench and the ShieldShock Holiday Fic Exchange. I tried to capture the feel of your prompts, @ava-rosier . I’ve done holiday in the airport before but can NEVAH get too much of THERE IS ONLY ONE BED. Hope you’re having a wonderful holiday, enjoying seeing 2020 finally end, and that you’ll enjoy your ShieldShock holiday fic gift!!! :)
---
Snowbound Christmas
Darcy startled as the car door scraped open over deep snow and a gust of wind blew in to steal her breath. It was even colder than the previous times. Steve could move fast, but not faster than the blizzard winds. He shook his head as he slammed the door closed behind him, sealing them in the relative calm. The only sound at first was the rustle of her shivering. He turned the car on again and they both savored relief as the air around them warmed.
She shifted position in her seat. “Steve, my friend! No room in the Inn?” Darcy tried to sound upbeat rather than weary. “I’d so hoped the eleventh try would be the charm. I mean, those two were raved over in Google as ‘simple’ and ‘budget’. You wouldn’t think that would draw a crowd.” She continued to watch the snow fall, eyes going out of focus.
Steve shook his head and pushed his snow-damp hair back. “I tried all five places in the village. Cut across town on foot rather than wasting gas.” He frowned. “I’m too stubborn. Should ‘a stopped twenty miles back where there were more possibilities. I’m sorry, Darcy.” He kept his eyes on the road as he started slowly moving. The snow was falling hard, gusting winds whipping it around them with abandon. Even with four-wheel drive, good snow tires, and perfect reflexes- Steve didn’t dare go more than fifteen miles per hour. Driving was hazardous, more by the minute.
Darcy shrugged her shoulders. “The forecast was off. I thought we had more time before it got bad, too. I swear! I only closed my eyes for like twenty seconds. When I opened them again it looked like I’d missed seeing three inches fall. You must be freezing. The other motels are two miles away, aren’t they?” She shivered, both sympathetically and because the car was still warming up.
“I’ll be fine.” Steve sighed again and glanced at Darcy’s phone before staring ahead of them again. “Any other ideas?”
Darcy squinched up her features, “well…” She was glad Steve focused his attention on the road. She worried that her idea wouldn’t be well received. “We could ask the others for suggestions? Surely Tony owns something between here and the City.” Darcy held her breath. She’d seen Steve and Tony clash at the Avengers Upstate Base enough to know that he didn’t want to ask Tony’s help.
Steve reached in his jacket pocket and handed his phone to Darcy, groaning in resignation. “Had the same thought. See if he’s replied?” He steeled himself.
Darcy laughed merrily as she read his incoming texts.
“That bad?” Steve’s frown lines deepened.
Darcy’s lips twitched. “Nah, buddy-o. Tony’s busting your chops about being a damsel in distress. He reminds you that he’s been away from Pepper for a week and has injuries to rest up from. Says to cool your heels at a summer lake cabin of hers. Coordinates and key code provided. And to resist the urge to crash dramatically into the lake as it wouldn’t be very festive of you. Cabin can be drafty, but was cleaned recently. Which, yay! They were going to come up last week for a dating anniversary celebration before the weather changed and he took that mission.”
Steve nodded and blew out an impatient breath. He glanced at Darcy again, “does anyone other than Jane know you’re with me?” His tone sounded wary.
Again, Darcy shrugged and avoided his gaze. “I dunno. If the local mechanic didn’t have sick kids at home, I’d be driving myself through this like I planned. Probably would’ve crashed in a snow drift by now or be caught in the sadly-parked madness on the interstate you were smart enough to skip. Why? I’m sorry that coming for me put you behind schedule. You’re too kind, putting yourself out for little ole me. You probably have plans with close friends, or something.” She trailed off, uncertain if that was a fair assumption regarding Steve. As much time as they’d spent together since they met over a year before, he seemed to always be working.
Darcy frowned, sad for Steve. And for herself. She’d tried in vain to shake the crush she had on the loneliest Avenger. He seemed determined to stay lonely and fill his time almost entirely with work. Whenever he came to Jane’s lab, she struggled not to let her extreme thirst for him show. She ended up babbling most times, griping about stuff and talking nonsense. He came by the lab a lot, so she had many embarrassing memories to cringe about.
“Not really. And don’t apologize, Darcy. I wanted to help you. I’m glad you’re with me rather than stuck, or worse.” Steve chose to ignore part of her question for the moment. “I was just going by Tony and Pepper’s party at the Tower to keep some peace between us. Then I figured I might go to Brooklyn to see the crazy lights they put up there these days, and then maybe head down to D.C. to see Sam. Nothing firm. No big deal.” He turned into a skid and eased up on the gas. Anyone else would have registered alarm at the need to maneuver like that. The majority of drivers would have wrecked. Sleet mixed in with the precipitation.
Darcy nodded, silent. She clicked on the coordinates Tony had sent and turned up the volume on the phone directions. When there was a pause, she spoke up, “still sorry to keep you from your party, lights, and Sam. I’m relieved that you weren’t just planning to ignore the holiday at the Upstate Base again this year, though. No offense, but hearing you did that last year made me mad at you.” She let out an indignant huff and blinked back tears.
He raised his brows, but didn’t reply at first. Finally, not wanting to seem rude, Steve asked, “mad? Why?” He fought against both flickers of hope and melancholy.
Steve tried not to wish for what he believed he couldn’t have. He’d found that Darcy won friends easily, but rarely let anyone get close enough to know her the way he’d like to know her. She kept things light and funny, using her humor as a shield against intimacy. He admired her ability to deflect when she used it with others, lamented it when she used it with him.
The first day they met, Steve fell hard for the brash, strong-willed, funny, gorgeous dame. And then he met her boyfriend, Ian. Even after that relationship ended, Darcy made it crystal clear that she saw Steve only as a friend. Her emotional shield pushed him back like the strongest of force fields. She bristled if he held a door or pulled out a chair for her. She acted like it was weird if he did anything for her- like bringing her coffee when he was getting some for himself in Jane’s lab.
Also, there was Darcy’s apparent dislike of soldiers. She cursed agents and soldiers as ‘jack-booted thugs’ every time a piece Jane’s equipment misbehaved. He’d overheard Darcy rant to Jane about her sister’s hard life with a military guy Darcy disdained as ‘Soldier Boy’. Steve was a soldier. He'd never regretted it until it came between him and the only 21st century woman he’d met who captivated him.
Her tone as she spoke next brought Steve out of his reverie. “I know that those you love from your time were more like family to you… that you still mourn all you lost.” Darcy avoided looking at Steve, “But, I consider you a friend and I don’t like for anyone to treat my friends bad… especially, themselves. Thinking of you doing busy work and walking echoing halls alone. Imagining you eating frozen dinners and training alone while the rest of the world celebrated? Too sad. Awful. I wish you would’ve let me, I mean, someone, anyone, know that you didn’t have plans.” Darcy swallowed hard around the lump in her throat. She’d held that in for the better part of a year and was terrified that she’d overstepped enough to anger Steve. If her voice sounded brittle, she couldn’t help it. Her feelings for Steve ran deep. She’d taken one look at Steve Rogers and lost her heart irrevocably.
Steve shook his head and joked to offer one correction, “I hardly ever eat frozen dinners.” He cleared his throat. “What did you do for Christmas last year?” Steve’s tone was mild, unreadable. He’d spent a lot of the previous year’s holiday week reliving the pain of seeing Darcy being kissed by Ian under mistletoe. It was a harsh blow since he’d heard rumors that they’d broken up and dared hope for a chance with her. Thinking of that terrible moment still filled Steve with potent jealousy.
Darcy cut a glance Steve’s way. “I went to the usual lame lab holiday party, complete with joke gifts and too much mistletoe. Then, un-fun family time. As soon as I could escape my dumb sister Beth and ‘Soldier Boy’, I got back to Jane’s. I made Thor watch Christmas cartoons while I struggled to explain the pop nuances of them to him. We drank eggnog. I exchanged joke gifts with him and Jane and Erik. Then we all helped serve Christmas dinner at homeless shelter. And I ate too much and fell asleep on the couch at Jane’s place that night. I ‘peopled’.” She glared at Steve and repeated in an accusing tone, “’Peo-ple-d!’”
Darcy frowned as she also remembered Ian cornering her under mistletoe before Christmas. He tried to get back together with her until she threatened to tase him. It had cast a pall over Darcy’s entire holiday. That was one interaction with people she did NOT look back on fondly.
Steve chuckled weakly, “and you’re mad at me for not ‘people-ing?’”
“You never want anyone to pity you in any way, but then you do stupid stuff like that! I mean, I was drunk when Thor told me, but it made me CRY.” Darcy shook her head and looked away, frowning, angry. “Sorry. Said too much. Not my business. I know. Sorry.” She hunched her shoulders as though concerned he might offer a rebuke.
Steve's face fell into a sad grin. “No need to… It’s nice that you worry about me, Darcy. Thanks for that.” He resisted the urge to cover her hand with his. “I’m sorry I made you cry.” Genuine distress filled him, that she’d cried and that he had no right to offer comfort. Something in her reaction brought out his deepest protective instincts.
Careful to avoid distracting Steve from driving, Darcy poked his rock-hard bicep. “Pfft. Silly. You’re not alone, even if you try. You have friends. I’m your friend. You know that. Right?”
“Friends.” Steve nodded, grim. “Yeah. Thank you for being my friend, Darcy.” He sighed, long and low.
Darcy nodded, unable to speak around the lump in her throat.
---
Soon, they arrived at the coordinates. A tiny cabin nestled in the deepening snow. It was dark, but for a dim light visible through its large windows.
Darcy moaned, “finally.”
“I could carry…” Steve’s voice trailed off as Darcy threw her door open and jumped out into the knee-deep snow. She almost fell, but righted herself. The winds swirled snow and sleet all around her.
“Shit! Cold!” Darcy trudged with purpose towards the cabin. “So cold! And, eww, wet. Oh!” She input the code Tony had sent for the front door lock and shoved inside. Darcy kicked off her snow-covered boots and dropped her coat inside the front door. She scurried to the bathroom. “Some of us don’t have super bladder capacity!” Her brief view of the cabin interior was minimal. Dark shapes stood out against the eerie snow light through the windows.
Steve slammed his car door and followed. He shook his head and yelled back, “nobody has that” as he picked up Darcy’s coat, shook snow off, and hung it on a hook. He toed off his boots and set them and Darcy’s boots near the fireplace. Then, he peeled off his snow pants and hung them on a hook near the door. They’d kept his jeans dry.
“Don’t get your tights in a twist. I’m hurrying!” Darcy called from the bathroom.
Brows raised; Steve surveyed the cabin. He flicked light switches and swore under his breath as low, golden light bathed the tight space. The room was dominated by a low bed and floor to ceiling windows. A Christmas tree decorated with lights stood by the bed. There were at least a dozen pillows and a sheer hanging canopy laced with warm string lights over the bed. There was no sofa, only two reading chairs and a small table in front of the fireplace. A kitchenette took space along one wall. It had a well-stocked wine rack.
Mostly, there was the ridiculously romantic-looking bed. Face prickling with heated anxiety, Steve found a thermostat and started the heater. Then, he began to build a fire in the brick fireplace. The cabin was cold and the windows were more suited to airiness than warmth. The back walls were brick, attractive but cold in winter weather.
“Uh, Steve?” Darcy sounded sheepish; voice muffled by the bathroom door. “Can you hand me a blanket or look for a robe or something? I’m sorry to trouble you. My pants are soaked up to the knees and I can’t put them back on. They’re freezing. Wet with snow.”
Steve closed his eyes, still for several seconds. He looked around for a closet and saw instead a wardrobe. He grabbed a black silk robe, frowning at the sheer and gauzy red alternative hanging beside it. The top shelves held baskets of swimsuits, shorts, and other summer clothes. He took the black robe off the hangar and walked to the bathroom. He knocked and held out the robe, eyes averted. Then, he went back to work on the fire.
“Thanks, I didn’t think. Just ran to the bathroom. I…” Darcy stopped as she got a good look at the cabin. “Oh, holy… uh, night.” She cut a careful glance Steve’s way.
Steve shook his head and chuckled. “Something like that. Don’t worry. I can sleep on the floor. I’ve done worse.” He arranged another log in the growing flames and warmed his hands.
“You can NOT! Don’t be stupid. I won’t attack you. Promise. We both need to sleep and there’s room for two if we remove a few hundred pillows.” Darcy’s tone sounded more certain and stubborn as she talked. She rolled her eyes at him. “Make a line of pillows down the middle of the bed as a dividing line if you want to keep me away. Or, I can do it.” She frowned at him, set her jeans near the fire to dry, and moved to the kitchenette. Darcy opened the refrigerator, freezer, and cabinets to see what they had to work with. “Sorry about my coat and boots. I was gonna get them, I swear.”
Steve frowned, disliking her urgent anxiety. “No problem.”
Darcy opened a bottle of water and drank it. “I didn’t dare drink much water while we were stuck in the car, but I still needed a bathroom for at least the past hour.” She offered him a bottle, which he accepted and downed before returning his attention to his work. Darcy moved food from the freezer to the refrigerator to thaw. She opened a couple of cans of soup and put them on to simmer, and sat in a reading chair. “I checked the weather forecast while I was in the bathroom. We’re not getting out of here on our own power before tomorrow night at the earliest.” She tightened the belt on the robe and leaned towards the fire, hands outstretched. “Nice. Getting a little warmth there. Thanks.”
Steve excused himself to the restroom. On his return, he sat in the other chair. He watched the fire’s progress, then turned his attention to the deepening snow visible through the windows all around them. “Quieter now. Slowing down, or a lull before more blizzard.”
“Lull, according to radar. Fresh snow absorbs sound. Something about air between the flakes dampening vibrations.” When Steve gave her an impressed look, Darcy grinned, “I saw it in a meme on the Internet. Must be true.” She winked at him.
Steve returned her grin. “Internet. So helpful.”
“Except when it’s REALLY not.” She made a face, both sad and angry. “Beth met ‘Soldier Boy’ online. And, of course his worst notions get amplified there. Bleurgh.”
Careful, Steve dared, “what branch of the Military is your brother-in-law with?”
Darcy choked on water. “Br... Whaa?” She shook her head, hard. “God, no! Don’t say that. It might come true if you say it. Eww! Grandma Esther'd roll right out of her grave to beat the ever-living sh… heck… pardon me, out of Beth if she marries that Nazi wannabe.” Darcy shuddered dramatically. “Crud. They’ve been dating more than a year. And, Christmas… You may be right. Ugh.” She spoke as she texted into her phone, “‘If you marry him, I’ll give you kitty litter as a wedding present, used kitty litter. Dumbass. BTW I hate him. He’s awful.’ Ugh. Delete. Delete. Delete.”
Steve digested all this and stayed quiet. He noted with interest that Darcy’s cheeks reddened as though with embarrassment. In his experience she didn’t embarrass easily. Her plush lower lip jutted out in a pout. “Beth’s dating a racist faux-militia-type lunatic. She’s decided she’s Sub to his Dom and overlooks his politics and crazy behavior. It’s nauseating.” Darcy frowned, sad, “I don’t see the attraction. Mom says the sex must be great, cuz she doesn’t understand the attraction, either.” Darcy twirled a piece of her hair nervously on one finger. “Mom thought she had the worst taste in men in the family, but Beth’s making her wonder.” She shook her head. “Sorry. Nothing to you. You don’t know them. Crazy family of a sorta friend.”
“I know you… some. I care more than you think.” Now Steve’s cheeks reddened. He hadn’t meant to say that aloud.
Darcy gestured as though to bump shoulders with him. “Nice.” She arranged the robe over her legs, both from cold and modesty.
Hesitant, Steve ventured, “you never mention your father.”
Darcy’s gaze turned his way. “Nope. Long gone.” Her expression hardened. “Thank goodness.”
After an awkward silence fell between them, Steve went to the stove and spooned soup into two bowls. He returned to his place by the fire. He handed Darcy her soup, noting her mild surprise at being served. They ate without speaking. When they were done, they both took their bowls and rinsed them in the sink.
Darcy walked over to the bed and started moving pillows. “Do you want a dividing line?” She didn’t try to meet his gaze.
“Not necessary. Let’s put the pillows by the windows. They’ll block some of the cold that’s coming in and making it hard for this place to warm up.” Steve pressed pillows along the bottom edge of one window. He glanced back as Darcy slid beneath the covers, still wearing the black robe. The warm light brought out red and light brown highlights in her long hair. She looked even prettier than usual in the golden glow. And he thought she was always beautiful.
Darcy shivered hard. “Sheets are freezing!”
Swallowing hard, Steve sat on the far side of the bed from her. “Want the decorative lights off?”
“N…n..not unless you do. They’re p..pretty. Make me think warmer thoughts.” Her shivers shook the bed.
Steve shifted so that he could lift the covers and lay underneath them. They were icy cold against his pants. He imagined the chill was worse against Darcy’s bare legs. He lay back and closed his eyes, feeling the motion of the bed from Darcy’s shaking. The winds began to wail again, harder than before. He opened his eyes and turned to look out at the raging blizzard. “Wanna lay back-to-back? I run warm.” As she shifted so that she faced away from him, he rolled to his side and moved back against her. He cursed himself as a masochist.
“Ohhh. Fuck, yes!” Darcy swore under her breath and whispered, “sorry. So sorry!”
“I know what you mean and you don’t have to avoid cursing around me. We’re not on a mission communicator in an official capacity. That ‘language’ thing they joke me about is nonsense. I don’t give a damn about how people want to talk in regular life.” Steve closed his eyes again, trying to keep his tone even as Darcy wriggled against his back. He heard her mutter thanks a few times. Making her feel good pleased him.
Five minutes later, Darcy rolled over and pressed her cold nose against his shoulder. She spent several minutes trying to figure out where to put her hands. She ended up crossing her arms over her chest and tucking her hands under her chin. Within minutes, she was asleep.
Listening to the sound of Darcy’s breathing as it evened out and deepened lulled Steve to sleep soon after. His face settled into a small smile.
---
Steve supposed it was a slight change in the blizzard-muted light of day that woke him next. Languorous, sensual dreams dissipated through his hazy thoughts. Dream images of Darcy, kiss-swollen lips and bared creamy skin, heated his blood.
Then, awareness hit him hard. He and Darcy clenched in a lover’s embrace. Their legs entwined and her head was on his chest. Her sweet, feminine scent filled his senses. Her amazing breasts pressed against one side of his chest. One of her hands was against his arm and the other warmed the skin of his stomach, inside his shirt. It all felt so good and right that it stole his breath. His body’s natural response to his dreams, to her, and to waking was extreme. He was afraid to move lest any friction push him past sanity. A small, low moan sounded in her throat as she shifted against him. He tensed.
Her voice was raspy with sleep. “I know it’s awkward, but I’m way too comfy to regret it. You feel good, Steve.”
“Right back atcha’, Doll,” he whispered. Wishing himself back in his dreams, he kissed her forehead and squeezed her even closer. He wanted her so much he could hardly stand it.
Darcy made another small sound in her throat as she wriggled against him. The realization that he was aroused sparked her passions, but she didn’t dare to presume too much. Maybe it was only an impressive sign of morning. She followed his example and placed a chaste kiss below his jaw. She felt his heart pounding more quickly and closed her eyes again. She flexed her fingers against his ridiculously-cut abdomen and felt him jolt. She debated if any of his reactions had anything to do with her in particular. She wished they did.
Both of them were awake, but neither admitted it. Each of them savored the embrace and the feel of the other’s body. They each fantasized about the other. They fantasized about passionate first moves, expressing affection and desire. Want. They became lost in imagining more and more. Time passed. Their emotions swirled like the blizzard winds that trapped them together.
They lay cuddled and simmering with unspoken desires until Steve’s phone rang. It broke the spell. He moved away from Darcy and answered the phone.
She watched the play of muscles under the back of his shirt and struggled to stifle her lust. Darcy closed her eyes. It was futile. Her lust for Steve had been growing for over a year. In this circumstance, lust was inevitable.
While Steve talked with Sam, assuring him that he was fine though the storm prevented him reaching the City, Darcy left the bed and went to the bathroom. She snagged her dry jeans on her way there. She took a shower and did what she could with toothpaste she found in the medicine cabinet and her finger. When she came back out, she hung the robe in the wardrobe and put on her Christmas cardigan. She looked through the wardrobe and giggled at the sheer red robe. Then, Darcy took a step back. She buttoned and straightened her sweater by her reflection in the wardrobe mirror.
Steve paused in his conversation, a gob-smacked look on his face, “what…?!”
“Oh! Yeah. I know. Gaudy, isn’t it? Well, last year Tony gifted the ‘ugliest sweater at his party’ winner $10,000. I know what he can be like, so I thought I’d stand a better chance of catching his wallet’s attention if I went a little on the sexy side. And I sewed in lights.” Darcy twirled and turned on the LED lights that adorned the sweater. Her dark green Christmas cardigan had bauble Avenger emblem buttons. A Captain America Shield button strained to hold the sweater together over Darcy's breasts. Silver and gold trim around the hem resembled tinsel. Red and gold lighted and embroidered ornaments dotted the sweater at random. It was a bit gaudy rather than ugly, but sexy most of all since the fabric hugged Darcy’s ample curves. She wore it over a tight red top and skinny black jeans. The ensemble played up her natural assets.
Steve could only nod in reply. He tried to turn his full attention back to his conversation, but didn’t do well.
By the time Steve was off the phone and had made the bed, Darcy found waffles in the freezer and syrup in the pantry. She had coffee brewing and was downing another bottle of water when Steve began stoking the fire embers and adding wood. They shared a quiet breakfast. Steve tried not to look at Darcy’s figure and failed again and again. He tried not to fantasize as Darcy licked syrup from her lips. He failed.
As they finished breakfast, Darcy looked around the cabin. “Aw, man. No TV?”
“Actually, there’s one over the bed.” Steve swallowed the last of his coffee.
“Over?” Darcy gave him a disbelieving look and went over to look up inside the bed canopy. “You’re not kidding.”
He chuckled and shook his head, “at first I thought it was a mirror.”
Darcy lay on the bed, on her back. She looked around for a remote control, finally finding one in the nearby window sill. “Icy remote.” She pointed it up and sighed, “but it works!” Channel flipping and streaming services browsing occupied her for some time.
She hoped rather than believed that Steve was looking at her with lusty interest.
Steve was. The intimacy of their situation and Darcy’s sensual appearance were a potent combination. He could hardly speak. He excused himself to go get a quick shower. He came back out a few minutes later, dressed again but still toweling his hair dry.
Darcy didn’t meet Steve’s eye as she offered, “you’re welcome to join me. Just friends watching television, ya know. I’m watching a silly Christmas movie. ’Scrooged.’ Okay?”
Steve shrugged as he made his way back to the bed. He shuffled, awkward, as he drew nearer.
Darcy shifted towards one edge of the bed, not meeting his gaze. “Plenty of room. Don’t mind me.”
He smiled as he sat on the other edge of the bed and forced himself to speak up. “Sam said that they’re busy helping first responders deal with stranded motorists. Hundreds of them all across the state. A lot of people didn’t have our luck and find shelter. I had to agree with him that it’s more important that they help them than us. I’m sorry you won’t have the chance to win the sweater contest.” He eased onto his back beside her, folding a pillow behind his head.
“Of course, they need to help people who’re stuck!” Darcy shuddered. “It’s super cold out there and the storm got out of hand so fast. I can only imagine. We’re fine here.” She grinned and turned to him. “You really think I’d win?”
Steve was struck by how pretty her green eyes were. He blushed. Her look turned quizzical. He nodded and spoke a thick reply, “yeah. Definitely.” Steve forced his gaze up to the television mounted above them. “I assume that ‘Scrooged’ refers to the Dickens novella?”
“Yup.” Darcy shifted further to the edge and lifted the covers so that she could get under the blankets. Once under there, she groused, “darned lights and ornaments are poking me.” She frowned, and unbuttoned the sweater again and lay it aside. Buttons and lights made a clicking sound on the floor by the bed.
After debating for what felt like an endless time, Steve got under the covers and shifted closer to her. “Can’t let you freeze.”
Darcy rolled up on her side and looked him in the eye. “It would be rude to let me freeze. I’m glad you’ve seen the light.” She winked at him, trying to seem playful. She thought that he was looking at her lips, but dismissed it as wishful thinking.
Steve assured her, “I’ll do my best to keep you from freezing. Wouldn’t want to be rude.” He put one arm around her, hand spanning the middle of her back. “I’m a polite guy.”
“You’re the nicest soldier I’ve ever met. Have I ever mentioned that?” Darcy ducked her head as a blush filled her cheeks. The way his hand covered her whole back made her feel tiny. Did things to her. Made her want his hands on her in other places. The fire she tried to play with was backfiring spectacularly, leaving Darcy breathless with desire.
“No. But I’m glad to hear it.” Steve gave her a squeeze.
There was a loud noise onscreen. Darcy rolled onto her back so that she could see the television again. She hoped Steve wouldn’t notice that her breath was racing.
After a few minutes, Steve nudged her. “Tell me about other soldiers you’ve met? There are good and bad apples in any group, you know.” He felt Darcy tense.
Though she didn’t look at Steve, Darcy decided to answer. She told him about Puente Antiguo and the SHIELD agents and soldiers who took Jane’s research- and their computers and even Darcy’s personal iPod. SHIELD ran a strange, temporary military base near the town and Erik worried about their absolute power. She told him about the shifts in those soldiers’ attitudes after Thor returned to Asgard. First, they were obsequious, but gradually more restrictive. They coveted Jane’s research and tried to control them all. After a long pause, Darcy shared, “some of them reminded me of my dad. He was military, Marine. Not a nice guy, especially to our mom.”
Steve rubbed Darcy’s arm as she talked. He felt that it was a privilege that Darcy was telling him something so personal. He didn’t want to break the spell, rather hoped that she might open up to him more.
Darcy blinked back tears. “He found fault with everything she did. She couldn’t do enough fast enough to avoid setting off his temper. Then he… well, you know.” Darcy ducked her head.
Realization dawned on Steve. “So, he never served her a dish or coffee even if he was getting something? He never held doors for her or pulled out a chair? You never saw him treat her with respect?”
Steve stilled as Darcy sat up on one elbow and stared at him, eyes wide. “Respect? No. No respect.” She grabbed the remote again. “Let’s look for something else. I saw…” Darcy glanced at Steve. “’White Christmas’ is about to start on this channel. I remember liking the dancing and pretty outfits and thinking it’s sweet. The story starts in your time, though. Do you mind? Will that make you too sad?”
Steve shook his head. “I’ve heard good things about it. I’ll be okay.” He wanted to say that he was more than okay with Darcy next to him, but was too tongue tied.
As the classic channel announcer talked, Darcy shifted closer to Steve again. “I want you to be okay. The 21st century’s not all bad, ya know.”
Again, Steve kissed Darcy’s forehead. “Yeah. Thanks, Doll.” He stroked her hair as they began watching the movie. “This okay?”
Darcy nodded, wondering if he was only being nice because he felt sorry for her or if there was another reason. “Yes. Very okay. Feels nice.” As his fingers trailed down her back, she shivered with pleasure. She wondered if he had any idea what his touch did to her. She savored the feelings, the want and heat, for a long time. Other thoughts ran through the back of her mind while she tried to ignore them.
Most of the way through the movie, the 'pretend-engagement' conspirators confessed to Bing Crosby’s character. Steve commented, approving, “at least they fessed up and set him straight. Too many times in romantic comedies the people avoid saying what’s on their mind until it’s too late. It's silly.” He stilled as Darcy pushed back from him and stared at him again. “What? You okay?”
Darcy nodded. “I… yeah. Sorry.” She sat up on the edge of the bed, paused the movie, and grasped her phone. After a moment, she nodded. “I’m gonna do this. I’m gonna make this call before I chicken out. Wish me luck.” She grabbed the green sweater from the floor and slipped it on over her red top again.
“Luck.” Steve got up and walked around the bed so he could sit next to Darcy. She looked up at him with a grateful warmth that transfixed him. He nudged her shoulder to offer comfort as someone answered her call.
“Beth? Hi. It’s Darcy. Merry something or other.” Darcy’s knee bounced, betraying her restlessness. Steve could feel tension fill her frame. After a moment, she continued, “yeah. Fine. I found a place to stay. I’m with a friend. And, Beth?” She took a deep breath, “He treats me with respect. Caring and respect. Even if he were…” Darcy paused. She rushed the next words out all at once, “well, if he was my Dom? He wouldn’t embarrass me or push away you or Mom by making me say ‘Meow’ and only ‘Meow’ to you at his whim. He wouldn’t think that's funny. He wouldn’t call me a ‘dimwit’ or a ‘bimbo’. He… Beth? I’m sorry to criticize your choices. But you deserve better than that kind of stuff. I hate the way Chad treats you, the way he talks down to you and tries to change you. You don’t need changing. I don’t know if it’s just me that Chad can’t stand. But, if it’s not? If he treats you like that in front of other people? I mean, would he demean you in front of your kids like Dad did Mom? Would he hurt you? How much like Dad…? Scratch that. Sorry. He’s not Dad. I’m not trying to be an unfair bitch to Chad, whatever he says. I worry that…” Darcy gasped, “don’t cry! I’m sorry! No! You… what? He what? He didn’t… What?!?” She shook, both in her body and voice. There was a long silence on Darcy’s end as her sister talked and cried. Darcy only interrupted the flow of words to utter sounds of disgust and disbelief.
Steve went to the kitchenette and got more water. He opened a bottle of wine and made thawed meat into fried burgers and baked French fries in the oven. He took Darcy water and returned to work on their lunch. The smell of good food soon filled the tiny cabin. He stayed busy, but most of his attention was on Darcy and her conversation.
Finally, Darcy rasped, “Well, that’s… What?! You’re thanking me? No. What? I thought you’d tell me to go to Hell, not take my call as a divine sign that you should say no and leave him. Oh, thank Baby Jesus!” Darcy laughed through tears. “Yes! I know I’m a bitch and I’m causing you to throw yourself on Mom’s mercy at Christmas. Enjoy her cookies for me. If it makes you feel better, I don’t have baking ingredients. Oh, fine! Hm? My friend? Awesome like you wouldn’t believe. Uh, I don’t know. It’s… pffft. I need to talk straight to him, too. Wish me luck?” Darcy wiped tears from her eyes. “Yes! I love you, too. Now, go. Text me when you’re safe at Mom’s and tell her I’m safe and I’ll call later. Merry Christmas.” Darcy hung up from the call and stared at the phone, rocking in place until she received a text. Then, she collapsed backwards onto the bed and stared up, unseeing.
Steve stayed quiet, letting Darcy calm from her talk with her sister. When the food was ready, Steve returned to her side and offered her a hand up, leading her towards the fire.
Darcy stumbled to a chair. “Thanks. You’re the best.” She drank more water.
“So, did he propose?” Steve began eating again and gave Darcy time to answer.
Darcy ate a bite of hamburger with a few fries and shook her head, “nope. TOLD her she was gonna marry him. Told her!” She closed her eyes and shook her head. “Jackass! Good riddance.”
Wry, Steve shook his head. “Not very romantic. Not that I’m an expert in that department, but…”
Darcy only nodded as she devoured the rest of her food and sipped wine. “I had no idea how hungry I was.” She looked at Steve, thinking how lucky she was to be trapped with a good person who exuded calm and kindness. She especially appreciated that after the intensity of her conversation with her sister. Darcy sipped the wine as she focused on Steve. Being with him settled her, made her feel safe. And looking at him was always a delight. Steve Rogers was handsome, to be sure. He’d rolled up the sleeves on his green and blue flannel shirt. Unfair of him to subject her to sexy forearms on top of all the rest. Like every shirt she’d ever seen him wear, this one struggled to cover his muscles. She’d given up trying to think of adjectives that could convey how attractive Steve was. And nice. He didn’t call her out for staring at him like a weirdo, mooning after him. He didn’t even press her to speak up now, when she was sure he must be curious about the ‘straight talk’ she’d mentioned. He gave her the space she needed to regain her equilibrium.
Respect. Steve treated her with respect. She had a wonderful friend who treated her with respect. She ought to be forever grateful rather than daring to wish for more.
Steve finished his glass of wine and poured himself another.
Darcy held her glass out for him to top off, then sipped it again. “This is good stuff. I never spend more than $10 on a bottle. I’d bet the cork on this stuff costs that much,” she giggled, “or even the label.”
“I’ll give Tony money to cover it when we get back to the Tower.” Steve shrugged.
Darcy glanced outside. Snow and sleet fell still. “That’ll be a bit yet.”
Steve nodded, not sure what to say. He felt happy trapped with Darcy, to have a chance to talk with her and hold her close. Even if she only saw him as a friend who kept her from getting too cold. Silence fell between them again.
“Wanna finish the movie? Sorry I shut it off without asking.” Darcy needed more time to gather courage.
Steve nodded, “no problem. Yeah. I’d like to see the ending.”
They took their dishes to the sink and then returned to the bed. There, Darcy took off her Christmas sweater. She threw back the covers and snuggled next to Steve under the blankets. He put his arms around her while she used the remote to restart the movie. Finally, the lovers in the movie sorted out their misunderstanding, kissed, and made plans for their future. Fierce longing overwhelmed both Steve and Darcy. Unconsciously, he stroked her back.
There was no one and nothing to distract them or come between them. Nothing except for their own emotional shields. But it was a day for dropping those.
Cheers and strains of the song ‘White Christmas’ sounded behind the words ‘The End’. Darcy ducked her head so that she didn’t have to look Steve in the eye. “I wish…”
Steve interrupted, “I wish that you didn’t dislike soldiers so much, Darcy. I’m a soldier and I can’t change that, never could.”
Darcy pushed back from him, “what? Change? You? No! I don’t… Oh! No. I only dislike the bad ones. I don’t like jack-booted thugs who steal Jane’s research and my personal stuff. I don't like Nazi wanna-be’s or, well, mean soldiers. I like… I like you, Steve.” She swallowed hard and jutted her chin out. “I wish that your work didn’t take pretty much all your time and that you didn’t miss your good old days so much. I wish…” She blinked back unshed tears. “I really wish you wanted to be here- in this time- with me, Steve. I’m sorry. I know you only want to be friends. And I won’t say anything more to make you uncomfortable, friend.” She smiled a small, watery smile. “Friend. I’ve done that for you all this time. I can keep doing it. I want any relationship we can have, even just friends.”
Confusion filled Steve’s expression. “Is that why you say ‘friend’ to me so much? Because you think that’s all I want?”
“Uh huh.” Darcy nodded miserably.
He inched closer. “And you like me even though I’m a soldier? And you want to be more than friends with me? Darce?” He whispered, “do you… want?”
Darcy looked up at him, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry to make things so awkward when you’re stuck here with me. Yes. I want! I wish that you wanted to be more than fr…Mmph!”
Steve kissed her.
He pulled back and stared at her as he cupped her cheek with one hand. “Sorry. I should ‘a- May I kiss you? I’m crazy about you, Darcy. I’ve wanted you for months and months. Want you so much I can hardly stand it. Not just friends, please. More, Doll.” His eyes gleamed with fervor.
Darcy nodded, stunned.
Steve chuckled, kissed her forehead and kissed her cheek again, with reverence. “Darcy, Doll… can I get a ‘yes’ to me kissing you?” He shifted so that his lips were a hair’s breadth away from her lips. Charged air shook the space yet between the two of them. He waited.
“Yes!” Darcy closed the distance between them and met his kiss with her own. They both trembled into it, a feather-light exploration. They each absorbed the idea that they’d misread what the other wanted. She murmured again, “oh, yes, Steve.”
He grinned as he kissed her again, deepening the kiss. He nibbled at her plush lower lip as he’d fantasized and dreamed so many times. Reality was a million times better. Darcy shuddered against him and groaned with pleasure. Steve stilled and closed his eyes. “Oh, Doll.” Darcy teased at his lower lip and he groaned, “gonna be hard as hell to be a gentleman with you doin’ that.”
Darcy chuckled, “who says you have to be a gentleman?” She shifted her leg to brush against his hardness. “Mmm. You were saying?” She nibbled at his lip again and played with the top button of his shirt.
Steve jolted and cursed under his breath. He kissed her quiet, again deepening the kiss and learning how they fit together. Steve savored Darcy's lips and tongue and throat while also exploring what she liked best. Sensitive spots. Sweetness. Eagerness. It was pure bliss. Darcy was becoming short of breath. Steve lay back and looked up at the next movie that had started while his Christmas dreams began to come true.
Darcy glanced at the Santa onscreen and panted. “I no longer have anything to ask Santa for.” She undid Steve’s top shirt button and kissed at the base of Steve’s throat. “I can think of a few things I’d like to ask you for, though.”
Steve grinned down at her, “same, Doll.”
“Oh?” Darcy undid another button on his shirt and kissed the exposed skin. She looked up at him and held his gaze as she undid the next few buttons.
Steve pulled her up for a long, slow kiss that set Darcy’s every nerve ending afire. She undid another few buttons on his shirt. When he shrugged it off, Darcy stilled, staring at his naked chest. “Holy…”
“Night?” he suggested. She snorted a giggle. He shifted her so that she sat astride him. He asked with his eyes if he could lift her shirt.
She nodded. “I may freeze, but yes. Please do.” She lifted her arms.
He shook his head. “Not gonna freeze. Haven’t you heard? I’m the man with a plan.” His voice tightened as he pulled her shirt up over her head. He shifted another pillow behind him and sat up some, pulling her towards him. He kissed her breasts as he reached around and undid her lacy red bra. “Damn, Doll. You’re a fantasy come true.” As he began to tease at her breasts with his lips and tongue, Darcy shivered and moved on him. He groaned, “here.” He pulled his shirt out from beneath him and helped her put it on, open at the front but warming her arms and back. "Looks much better on you than Tony's robe."
“Ahhh.” Darcy tried to talk, but Steve returned to tormenting her with his insistent lips. “G...good plan. Ohhh.” She squirmed in his lap, grinding against his erection with abandon. He let out a lusty groan that made her proud.
Steve pulled her chest against him for warmth as he moved up to kiss her lips and face again. “You’re shaking.” He looked concerned, but couldn’t resist kissing Darcy again. And again. He plucked and teased at her with his dexterous fingers. He loved the frantic sounds she made in the back of her throat.
“Not cold.” Darcy pulled back, then kissed him again and again. “Just want. Want you. Want so much.”
Steve shifted, rolling Darcy down onto her back. “Good thing, Doll.” He kissed her. Long, slow, passionate kisses that she met with a fervor that lit him up more every second. He palmed her breast and continued his exquisite torment. Darcy arched up against him, writhing. He lowered his lips to her breasts again. First one, then the other. Kissing and nibbling and sucking. She cried out and bucked as he swirled his tongue, hard. Darcy wasn’t sure if she would be embarrassed to come just from his attention to her breasts or impressed. Possibly both. Likely both.
He resumed teasing her nipples with his fingers. He placed open-mouthed kisses all along her belly. Steve took his time. “Beautiful.”
Darcy whimpered and began to shove her pants down. Steve stilled her hands. “I got you.” He undid the snap on her black jeans and kissed the exposed skin. Then he lowered her zipper and kissed her more. Darcy held the covers up with one hand and ran the other covetously along Steve’s shoulder. Steve pulled her pants and panties off and then moved back up her body to kiss her cheek and lips again.
“Pants!” Darcy begged him between kisses.
Steve huffed a laugh and unbuttoned his jeans. Darcy pressed against him, skin to skin. She wore only his shirt and warm red socks. Finally, he pushed down his pants so that he wore nothing.
Darcy’s eyes went even wider. “Oh, my. You go commando?”
He shrugged. “Habit. The uniform requires special briefs.”
She reached for him eagerly and wrapped her fingers around his shaft.
“Fuck,” Steve hissed.
Darcy's grin had a wicked glint. “Something like that.” She kissed down his chest and abdomen until she finally took him in her mouth. Then, Darcy delighted in taking Steve completely apart.
When he’d caught his breath again, Steve gave Darcy a smile unlike anything she’d ever seen from him before. It was both delighted and full of mischief that caused her pulse to race. He again pulled her astride his legs so he could taste and tease at her breasts. He left lingering kisses along the column of her throat and over her wrists. He disappeared under the covers and kissed her thighs and the backs of her knees. Darcy squirmed and unseeingly stared up at the movie. Steve didn’t tire, didn’t cramp- only focused on Darcy's pleasure with single-minded, super-strong drive. He had her writhing with pleasure long before he let her come. Another Christmas movie was playing onscreen and halfway over before Steve came up for air.
Finally, when Darcy begged, Steve slowly slid home. She realized that he’d been prepping her so long because of his size. She felt stretched wide as he twisted to hit her G-spot just right. She came quickly and felt as though she continued coming again and again as Steve pounded into her. He twisted her around so that he could plunge in from behind while rolling her swollen clit between his calloused fingers. After he came, he laid his fingers flat, soothing. He cradled her body tight back against his. Aftershocks left her spasming with pleasure. Steve kissed Darcy’s head again and again, murmuring, “sweet Darcy. Crazy about you.” She dozed in his arms, warm and loved and completely satisfied.
Dinner that night was steak and vegetables from the freezer, paired with an exquisite red wine. As they lay in bed afterwards, cuddling and teasing each other, Darcy felt Steve’s arms tighten around her. He buttoned a few buttons on his shirt to cover her and murmured, “company.” Soon, Darcy heard the sound of Iron Man landing outside the front door of the cabin.
Tony threw the door open and sauntered in, “I’m here to rescue you.” He stared, looked around and saw the open wine bottle and two pairs of pants on the floor by the bed, and shook his head. “Or, not. I guess Pep can stop crying about you being lonely on Christmas again this year, Cap. And I can stop wondering why you’re not answering texts. Nice shirt, Lewis.” Tony was blinking hard, slack-jawed with surprise.
Darcy laughed, “you should see the sweater I was gonna wear to your party. It’s around here someplace.”
“Lights up, sparkles, and hugs her curves to perfection. I’m sure she would ‘a won your contest,” Steve grinned, enjoying Tony’s shocked expression.
Tony smiled, “I bet. Well, Mazel Tov! Thanks for popping Cap’s cherry, Lewis. ‘bout time.” He pretended to wipe away a tear of pride.
Darcy snorted, “no way was that his first time. Orgasm hall of fame. All my Christmas dreams have come true.”
Steve ducked his head against her hair. “Good to hear, Doll. Right back atcha’.”
Tony shook his head. “Good reviews all around then. Well, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays kids. I’d guess you’re all set here ‘til it’s safe to drive again?”
Steve looked down at Darcy and she looked up at him. They both nodded emphatically and turned to Tony, “we’re good.” Tony laughed.
“Merry Christmas, Tony,” Steve beamed. “We’ll see you in a day or two.” He repressed a shiver as Darcy began teasing him under the covers again.
Darcy called out, “Merry Christmas! Thanks for dropping in.”
Tony shook his head and waved back at them as he went out the door of the cabin.
Steve pinned Darcy on her back and began ravishing her again, mock joking, “naughty girl!” He pushed into her again and set a slow pace as he rained kisses over her breasts.
Darcy looked up at him and batted her eyelashes. “Your naughty girl.”
Steve kissed her hard. “And my nice girl. Merry Christmas, Darcy.”
Gasping with pleasure, Darcy answered him, “Merry Christmas, Steve.”
Fin
#glynnisi#shieldshock holiday fic exchange 2020#avarosier#mcgregorswench#shieldshockficchallenges#shieldshockfanfic#darcy lewis x steve rogers#avengers au#thor#captain america#darcy lewis is a queen and don't you forget it#christmas shieldshock#starcy#ava-rosier
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We obviously need your song by song analysis of evermore please!
i got asked to do this about four times so here it is.....much anticipated. i know. please note that when i say that i hate her or despise her i don’t actually mean that. but i do
EVERMORE
OK LETS GO
WILLOW - ok, groovy first time you hear it, right? has a strong rumbly wiggle. let’s VIBE. the low of the verse, the high of the chorus…oh my goodness! what is she doing. she’s just out there! wow. “wherever you stray i follow” is a banger. “life was a willow and it bent right to your wind” with the overlay oof let’s go.!!!! a shockingly strong first entry of the record…best one since “welcome to new york” maybe!!! let’s just say it!!! for some reason “i come back stronger than a 90s trend” throws me off though…i don’t know. it’s just so moody pop, no one is doing it like her!!! i hate her
CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS - every time i listen to this song i listen to it four times. not a joke. it’s perfect. i don’t think i need to convince anyone! it’s perfect!!!!! what are you doing? taylor swift, the most dramatic bitch, has been writing dramatic bitch songs since she was fourteen and yet, somehow, she contrives to write even more dramatic things as she ages. this song is a JOKE. there are not ENOUGH songs about denying proposals! it’s just simple and sad. oh my god. it’s insane. the fact that she wrote this with her boyfriend (i have a running theory that they are married, we are going to refer to joe as her Perfect and Glorious Husband from now on) …… come on. the ENTIRE BREAKDOWN. “YOUR MIDAS TOUCH ON THE CHEVY DOOR / NOVEMBER FLUSH YOUR FLANNEL CURE / THIS DORM WAS ONCE A MADHOUSE / I MADE A JOKE WELL ITS MADE FOR ME / HOW EVERGREEN OUR GROUP OF FRIENDS / DON’T THINK WE’LL SAY THAT WORD AGAIN / AND SOON THEY’LL HAVE THE NERVE TO DECK THE HALLS THAT WE ONCE WALKED THROUGH” ……. concluding with that absolute stabby killer “what a shame she’s fucked in the head” oh my god……….. and the song resolving in a very adult “you’ll find someone else” god
GOLD RUSH - ok so like this song is like ok it’s got the same groovy high /low that’s happening on willow but it’s so different! it’s so good! the pulse of the beat propelling the whole thing through and then the falling apart “oh what must it be like to grow up that beautiful”……………..ok. the visceral image of “my eagles t-shirt hanging from the door” …………. i admire very much taylor’s oncoming gift of moving through high/low imagery…… i love her so much? it’s so HARD. “my mind turns your life into folklore” beautiful! BEAUTIFUL! also i have some belief in me that this is about karlie kloss but i shall not dive into that hole.
TIS THE DAMN SEASON - oh so i’m supposed to LIVE with this song EXISTING. WHY!!!! HOW……..oh my god………..taylor was like, yes, i’m going to write a song about a famous girl going home and banging her high school flame for a week and jack and aaron were like oh ok. “i parked my car between the methodist and the school that used to be ours.” she is such a joke. “you could call me babe for the weekend” like ok emo!! emo!!! OK. I LOVE THIS SONG
TOLERATE IT - taylor really gave us the most depressing track 5, but it’s absolutely a banger and i love her! she is just vibing! oh my god. what a specific emotion to pinpoint with this song….it’s such a gift. no one is hitting this space
NO BODY NO CRIME - this song has no business being on this record but in the BEST WAY, like how daddy lessons mysteriously appears in the middle of lemonade. oh my goodness. this is just pure country revenge song. taylor was like oh actually i haven’t forgotten my roots and i hate men more than i ever have. and she got haim to sing with her. and it’s so good. the low “i think he did it” oh my goodness. this song is a joke. how is it real? it’s just a perfect radio song. it reminds me very much of “before he cheats” but it’s a lot more sonically calm
HAPPINESS - similar to “tolerate it” and i think “champagne problems” this song is beating on an emotional bush that is really really hard to hit the head of. like, so she collabed with the national and bon iver on this record and previous obvi, and i LOVE them, but their music can often be very………impressionistic? perhaps? is how i might put it. it’s sometimes hard to get a note of specificity from it. imo. but taylor loves a fucking story bro. and she has figured out how to tell made up stories. she can’t be stopped now. like…this space of a breakup and knowing that it’s for the best and being sad in this way? name a pop star who has a song this nuanced. for real! god. i despise her. “across a great divide / there is a glorious sunrise”
DOROTHEA - the other half to the far superior TIS THE DAMN SEASON and a banger all the same. it has the bouncy joy of the most buoyant national songs. in the same vein as the also far superior BETTY, she has her sweet dumb boy slurry and less intelligent voice. i love that she paints these narrators this way, it’s just nothing she would have ever reached for ever before this period. she has a Perfect and Glorious Husband now and she has begun to understand teenage boys, FINALLY.
CONEY ISLAND - i have upon many occasions opined that i love the national VERY MUCH. i once went to a festival with my gf and her sister to see them even though i was expressly not invited and you know what despite the fact that it caused a lot of angst, i got to see the national play TERRIBLE LOVE in the middle of the night and I SCREAMED IT. so like, listen. what is matt berninger doing here, to me, specifically????????? i was somewhat hesitant about how their voices might blend, but it works astonishingly well. and i think that it’s so wonderful, i can’t. the imagery of a dreary coney island…..”sorry for not winning you an arcade ring.” as taylor always proves, the bridge is spectacular. “were you standing in the hallway / with a big cake / happy birthday”……”and when i got into the accident / the sight that flashed before me was your face / but when i walked up to the podium / i think that i forgot to say your name” sorry to yOU calvin. she had ISSUES. and now she has a Perfect and Glorious Husband. also “sorry for not making you my centerfold” ok kaylor
IVY - this song is about emily dickinson and i DARE you to tell me that i’m wrong. I DARE YOU. I DARE YOU. you’d be wrong! embarrassing for you. taylor finally writing a probably legitimate queer song and it’s about fucking emily dickinson is so on brand…..it’s dripping with poetry and groove and she’s so fucking dumb i hate her so much. her narrative of ivy and poetry and the lakes district…….ok taylor. i know. i know you watched all the dickinson things that came out and you identified with her. the gentle sway of the “oh, goddamn” and the “oh, i can’t”……i CAN’T EITHER TAYLOR !!! i CAN”T TAYLOR!!!! “oh goddamn / my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand / taking mine but it’s been promised to another / oh i can’t / stop you putting roots in my dreamland” TAYLOR. and then she says, “oh you didn’t realize this wasn’t gay?” “i want to know the fatal flaw that makes you long to be magnificently cursed” like @ emily yourself taylor “he wants what’s only yours”……TAYLOR. give me the entire catalogue of emily dickinson songs!!!!! i can’t do this. “springs breaks loose / but so does fear” “i’d live and die for moments that we stole / on begged and borrowed time / so tell me to run / or dare to sit and watch what we’ll become / and drink my husband’s wine.” taylor if you see this post, a, i love you, b, i need you to tell me about ivy, and c, PLEASE can i have tickets to your next tour in the year 2025 or whenever because my gf never buys me any to your shows……….i love this song if it isn’t clear. i think i’d love it if it wasn’t gay
COWBOY LIKE ME - ok this will sound weird and if you’ve read this far i’m going to assume that you don’t care about me being weird…but this song reminds me of the fanfiction STAY THE NIGHT by lynnearlington (maybe u’ve heard of it). please reply if you think about this and feel the same. “never wanted love / just a fancy car” “you had some tricks up your sleeve / takes one to know one / you’re a cowboy like me” the opening line re: the tent-like thing reminds me very strongly of the fourth of july at our family’s country club and they set up a tent over the parking lot and this song just makes me think of that vibe????? i don’t know. i have vibes. i love this song a lot, which is impressive because it follows after the gay euphoria of IVY. perhaps this is because it gives me its own gay euphoria. “now you hang from my lips like the garden babylon” ???? is one of the most gay, seductive, brutal lyrics i have ever heard. she wrote that down and was like, oh yeah, vibez, hundo p. she did that to me
LONG STORY SHORT - this song is an honorary sequel to I FORGOT THAT YOU EXISTED from the lover era (honestly i’m still in the lover era). but i actually think this song is better! so we are taking that. “actually i’ve always thought that i looked better from the rearview” ok taylor let’s access that feeling! “no more keeping score / i just keep you warm” is like, stupidly sweet. rip to calvin but now taylor has a Perfect and Glorious Husband.
MARJORIE - made me cry, simple and beautiful. one of the more personal songs on the tracklist! and something that i had never considered that she would write about, but i think the quarantine period has allowed a lot of us to dig into our feelings, so….vibez. we’re vibing!
CLOSURE - this song’s production sounds a lot like bon iver’s recent productions, very tech-y and repetitive and spare. rip to karlie kloss but taylor has a Perfect and Glorious Husband and karlie’s legal last name is kushner so who really won? hmm? i love “i’m fine with my spite / and my tears / and my beers / and my candles” the inclusion of candles is just. vibez. there are four candles lit rn in our apartment!
EVERMORE - i think this song is very intriguing and i’m still puzzling with it! the simplicity of her depressive gray November phase and then the very ebullient and bold bon iver interlude……..really has a manic/depressive, sad/angry vibe???? it feels so on brand for this pandemic quarantine…..and it works shockingly well, except for that i’d rather listen to the bon iver part for 10 minutes more. “all my waves are being tossed / is there a line that i can just go cross” and then taylor’s sort of call and response with his interlude……should just be the whole song. but it’s still good. that’s how annoying she is
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SCK/Edser Asks Episode 36 (+37 spec)
(asks under the cut)
Anonymous said: I really liked parts of SCK this week, but other parts made me want to scream. What did you think?
Same, same. This episode taken as an exercise in just watching Hande and Kerem doing their thing... AMAZING. But... even they can’t save the writing.
I’ll get into detail as I answer asks, but I felt this episode was a bit disjointed and I’m wondering if that is due to some of the alleged rewrites that happened. We know for sure there were rewrites for Bige, for instance I’m guessing that the Serkan/Selin conversation was supposed to be in person and not on the phone and that it might have been watered down due to that. But even prior to that, we know that they delayed shooting for a day and a half and it was said to be because there were rewrites. I’m honestly wondering if they got the scripts and there wasn’t enough Eda and Serkan, and so maybe the producers had the writers go back and try and fix that and maybe that’s why there seemed to be some emotional inconsistencies scene to scene? Who knows, but I got that feeling just like I did with episode 24. Another one with great scenes that didn’t always make sense one after the other.
That being said, lets jump in:
Anonymous said: Just me or did anyone else feel uneasy at how quickly everyone in SCK decided to just forget the last 6 weeks? Eda & Serkan were just so happy to be back together and we got lots of sweet moments but it just felt like something bad was going to happen. Plus did the characters (and the viewers) really go through all this pain just to gloss over it and pretend things were normal again? While I think the Selin pregnancy story will be wrapped up quickly mostly due to Bige’s current situation, I think (and hope) it has brought to light that Eda & Serkan have some work to do before getting married. They love each other but something feels off. The super quick proposal with a random ring just felt so wrong to me. I am still struggling with Serkan’s character and Eda needs some time to process everything that has happened.
Uneasy is a great word to describe how I was feeling. I think that was a huge problem with this episode. It’s almost like as the audience we’re being gaslit. Like they write this huge traumatic, dramatic storyline, they have Serkan go through hell, break Eda’s heart over and over again, they have Selin and Deniz as awful, manipulative people terrorizing the protagonists, but then at the end the narrative is like *handwave* “Nah, you’re crazy, it wasn’t that bad. These people don’t need to talk about anything or heal, no apologizes, no emotional showdowns and the villains don’t need to be punished, we’ll all just move on.”
IT’S UNSETTLING AS A VIEWER. I feel cheated. I invested in this story, watched in week after week, and then they’re not even going to give us a remorseful, devastated Serkan? Everything was glossed over. They gave us some wonderful, sweet Edser scenes (especially visually) but on my first viewing it felt like this weird cloud was hanging over everything and I couldn’t really enjoy them because I kept expecting the narrative to make some sort of meaning out of everything they’d been through, and that did not happen. (notes on my second viewing down below)
The problem is these writers. They seem fine at coming up with melodramatic plots and shocking cliffhangers, but they have no idea how to give the emotional pay off for what they’ve set in motion. When you put your audience through hell, you owe them to really deliver the emotional climax and these writers dropped the ball pretty much in every way they could throughout this story.
The random ring felt very wrong, but I’m sure they didn’t want to go back to the flower for a proposal that wasn’t going to be successful. No need to make it even more cursed than it is. Serkan’s decision to propose while sweet, was way too soon. I think what the writers were going for was having him propose in front of all of their family and friends, because deep down he knows how much he hurt her when he proposed to Selin in front of all of them. There was a hint of that at the wedding when he wanted to make sure everyone knew how he felt. Especially with the imagery of him getting down on one knee. Getting down on one knee signifies loyalty, obedience and respect so I think there was a lot of significant to him laying himself open to her, and symbolically declaring himself subservient to her in front of everyone.
It’s actually very sweet and does a bit of work in the righting of wrongs, but it’s misguided, and I’m glad it failed. Maybe if we hold out, there were be new writers before she next proposes!
Anonymous said: The real crux of SCK is that these writers cannot write for Serkan. They do not understand his character and probably never watched previous episodes. Since episode 29, there almost seems to be an internal battle with the character because he jumps back & forth between almost being old Serkan & then a straight up cold jerk usually directed at Eda. Still felt it in this recent episode, honestly the only thing that seemed to change was having his memory back & being 100% sure that Eda loved him. Maybe Eda turning down the proposal and him confronting Selin about the pregnancy will finally bring him?
You know maybe that will bring him back. I agree with you, I very much doubt these writers have seen all the episodes, it almost seems like they’re writing him from a character description or something.
On the other hand, I could see after being through a plane crash and having a brain injury, amnesia, PTSD and then weeks of brainwashing and manipulation, that Serkan might be different, especially at first as he adjusts to getting his memories back. I don’t know how retrograde amnesia usually works, if it’s just bits and pieces as he learns to access them or a flood, but I’m sure it’s a lot to handle. And I would be FINE with that, if that was the story they were telling. That he’s overwhelmed and hasn’t processed everything yet, that he’s not exactly the same as he was. However... I have zero faith the writers are doing that on purpose or telling this story. They just ain’t that nuanced.
Anonymous said: I am wracking my brain trying to come up with something to justify Serkan asking Selin to stay at the company & not sell her shares. Like how is that acceptable? And he wanted Eda to be happy with just getting an apology from Selin.....nope, still do not get it. We all know that Serkan does not love Selin but he is never willing to make her feel bad about awful decisions & never goes out of his way to humiliate or hurt her. Nope, he tends to save all of that for Eda.
As I was watching, that scene made my blood boil. BOIL.
However, afterwards, I calmed down, and I can think of a few reasons to justify where Serkan’s head was at. First, we don’t know what Serkan exactly remembers, or if he’s just been hyper focused on Eda. He might not have thought a ton about what Selin had done and how they parted when she left the country the first time around.
Second, remember that Serkan does not know what we know. He doesn’t know that Selin has been actively conspiring with Deniz to keep him and Eda apart and working against them every step of the way. He doesn’t know that she sabotaged Eda’s presentation and Art Life, he doesn’t know that the car accident was fake, that her injuries were fake, that she has been stalking him or that she goaded Deniz in to running from signing the marriage thing.
He doesn’t even know all the things she did in the past. He doesn’t know that she leaked that story to the press which caused Eda to faint. And he can’t even be sure she switched the addresses that caused them to miss each other at dinner, though we assume he suspected her.
From what he said to her, he now has processed enough to realize that not all was on the up and up, she was trying to steal their love. Insert herself where she didn’t belong. But as soon as he said that, she started manipulating him again. She instantly turned herself in to the victim and put him on the biggest guilt trip ever. Blah Blah He called her. She was there for him. She loved him. She was trying to build their life together. Blah Blah Blah. All his fault. She’s spent months brainwashing him, that doesn’t wear off in a few hours. Manipulation. Guilt. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
I also think they wanted to show him being more than fair to her, so that he wasn’t the asshole in her story and it would be clear that he doesn’t deserve anything she’d done. We saw him tell her that he wants her to be happy, to show that he is a much better person than she is. She’s still trying to ruin his life, when he’s being more than fair and equitable about things. Plus the guilt is not new. He’s felt guilty about Selin since the beginning, because he knew he used Selin as an excuse to keep Eda near during the entire fake engagement period, and it led to her broken engagement with Ferit, that’s why she got away with a lot in the first 20 eps, Serkan's guilt, and she’s still playing on it.
Also, lets remember he did give her that epic take down in 20. Which lets face it, does it get any more hurtful or humiliatingly to have your ex yell in your face that he never loved you and your childhood friend say that your friendship is over? So I don’t entirely agree with you that he’s never done that. He has, it just took him seeing her hurt Eda to get him to act.
You also say that he saves all his hurt and humiliation for Eda, first for most of that he had amnesia and was being brainwashed, so lets take that into account. Second, he also saves ALL his love, trust and admiration for her. And I think that’s part of it, its the dynamics of the relationships. I don’t think Selin and Serkan really ever fought, there was no passion, there was no heat. They seemingly treated the relationship as an extension of a business relationship. Very cold and impersonal. Simply stated he rarely gets upset and angry with Selin, because he just doesn’t care. With Eda their relationship was built on passion. They spark. They argue, they like to argue. And for her, he cares more than he ever knew was possible. Falling in love and learning to be in love is part of the character’s journey on this show
It goes back to that scene in 18, where he came down a little hard on Eda. Maybe it’s not right, but from Serkan’s perspective, how he interact with them is very different because how he feels about them is very different. He said it during that conversation when Eda asked how he can be kind to Selin when she sold the shares, but discard her... and Serkan blurted out because he has never loved Selin. At that point she couldn’t inspire him to anger. But with Eda sometimes all the emotions overflows and erupts.
Anyway, to that scene, yes it pissed me off, but I do think there is a way to justify it. Also I wonder if they watered it down and decided to save some of it since it had to be a phone conversation instead of in-person because of the death of Bige’s father?
That being said, I would have stood up and cheered if Eda said right then and there that it’s her or me. Serkan needed to be shaken out of his stooper and made to realize that they can not have Selin’s toxic presence anywhere near them and he needs to understand how hurt Eda was. I’m hoping he just hadn’t had time to put all the pieces together yet.
Anonymous said:Mar 21 · a day ago 1) i've seen the garage scene has been making its round across the fandom as the #1 example of how "this is not our serkan" because of he was "being cold." what are your thoughts on it? because to me.. they were literally just stress bickering and then made up. eda wasn't offended by anything, so why is the fandom tied in knots over it? isn't this what we wanted from them? for them to bicker and fight but at the end of it just BE together? i guess i saw that scene differently than most people.
I think that’s exactly how that scene was supposed to be taken. IMO it was the writer’s attempt to insert an argument (because Serkan and Eda’s relationship is always going to have arguing, and the audience loves it, so they have to find a way to give us that every so often) to get that dynamic going.
But the problem is the narrative didn’t earn Serkan bickering with her after everything that’s happened. If you take that scene and insert it after they’ve had a heartfelt talk where Serkan has acknowledge how hurt Eda was through everything and we saw real remorse from him, then those scenes are absolutely fine. Well minus the one line where Serkan tried to dismiss her talking about things with, “Didn’t we talk about this yesterday?” That was not great. Serkan has not earned the right to shut down any line of conversation about his amnesiac behavior.
The writers are just so BAD! They trapped them together with nothing to do but talk, this was the perfect opportunity for them to actually go deep and real and to have Eda tell him how hurt she’d been and for Serkan to really show some emotion and let us see that it hurt him that he hurt her. But they didn’t do that.
I went back and rewatched these scenes and I enjoyed them. Hande and Kerem were great. Without the angst of expectation hanging over them, they’re good scenes. As two people under stress from a race-against-the-clock situation, stuck in a garage and arguing about that, and then making up they were fun. It’s just that lack of emotional consistency after everything they’ve been through that is a problem.
I have no idea why the writers didn’t have the big conversation between them. They gave hints of it. We saw Serkan offer an apology while dancing the night before and Eda shut it down. They had some tender moments in his loft, but it wasn’t enough because we really didn’t see that Serkan was hurt by how he hurt Eda. He seemed to realize that he needed to apologize and that she was the hero and that he needed to make things up to her, but the thing that was missing was them really talking about it. And that would have been okay, Eda was exhausted, both physically and emotionally after everything, but then they should have addressed it later in the episode.
Anonymous said: Can we talk about how the side characters actually serviced the main EdSer plot this episode? I loved that Aydan/Ayfer/Seyfi were out there trying to catch Deniz, and they still had time for an Aydan/Kemal conversation. That Alex plot did these women a huge disservice.
Yes! I agree the supporting characters were all doing what they should be doing, supporting the A-story. I enjoyed the Aydan/Ayfer/Seyfi scenes, glad they were useful!
Plus I was actually touched by how Aydan called Ayfer in her time of need, they’ve actually become real, true friends which is a cool development. I’m looking forward to the Kemal storyline. Dude is way too interested in Serkan... I’m not sure if he’s Serkan’s father or not, but I think he thinks he might be. Loved that Serkan’s spidey-senses were tingling when it came to him and he was on his guard... if only those spidey-senses worked with Selin.
Melo remains queen and Ceren earned a few rights back by getting the legal in order.
However, WTF was that random Piril/Engin storyline with the hospital? For a second there I thought this show was going really DARK.
Anonymous said: Is it weird that the scene with Serkan apologizing to Eda in his apartment and her kind of brushing it off with the comment “you did not do it on purpose” reminded me a lot of Max trying to apologize to Liz after getting his memory back? Like you just knew that the happiness was not going to last for very long. You cannot gloss over all that pain just because the person you missed is back. Although I will say Max was a lot more apologetic than Serkan and did not act like a jerk during the rest of the episode. Feels like even if this Selin baby situation is resolved quickly that Edser still has a lot of work to do before getting married.
Oh interesting comparison, but right, Max lost his memories for about 30 minutes of screen time (vs Serkan’s almost 900) so Max had a lot less time to do damage! I was always left unsatisfied with that memory-loss storyline I think it should have lasted until the next episode, but everything with the timing in S2 RNM was a little off for me.
But to you point about Edser having work to do before marriage, I completely agree. Although, I don’t even think it’s like they need to take a ton of time, they just have to spend some real, uninterrupted time together and talk all this through. There is no need to rush it when they haven’t dealt with any of the trauma. Like a nice two-week vacation would do them a world of good.
Anonymous said: So are we supposed to think that Eda slept by herself on the sofa downstairs after they had sex? Not exactly romantic. Serkan’s character is still coming off very cold to me although it was definitely a lot better than previous episodes.
Not sure what that was, other than maybe (HOPEFULLY) they want to show us Edser’s carnal reunion and that episode wasn’t the place for it? Also, tbh, I assume with shooting schedules they just didn’t want to have yet another location to prep and shoot in, which the bedroom would have been, so Eda on the couch. Though I don’t know why we couldn’t have had both of them waking up on the couch like ep 11.
Anonymous said: The whole scene at Serkan's house at night felt like such a balm to my soul after the past few episodes. Him telling her that she's the hero in their love story and he owes all the happy moments for the rest of their lives to her... whew it had me welling up. I feel like we'll get more of that guilt out of Serkan after this whole new Selin plot is unraveled, but that scene (with the beautiful music) was honestly what I NEEDED after ep 29 onwards.
Oh I’m so glad it worked for you. I enjoyed those scenes, especially on rewatch. On rewatch I could take them for what they were, but while watching the episode as a whole I was so on edge waiting for some sort of emotional conversation or breakthrough, so that was harder to enjoy.
Hande and Kerem were terrific in them as always. I like that Eda suggested they start fresh in a place of their own, and that he immediately agreed. I liked him wanting to dance with her and hold her, and he did say some very nice things, apologizing and saying she was the hero of their story, but the scenes just didn’t go deep enough for where they were the next day with Serkan being a bit flippant at times. These scenes didn’t do enough repair work to warrant his behavior, though I do acknowledge he was under a lot of stress.
Anonymous said: I'm convinced that these writers are here to sabotage the show. There is no other explanation. No offense to Bige but they should've just cut all of her scenes out and have Selin leave the country abruptly. We didn't need Serkan wishing her happiness, wanting her stay at Art life, and arguing with Eda over it. (what the actual fuck?) To have Bige come back to set this week to play out this pregnancy plot is unfortunate - they really could've just ditched it last minute and that makes me so mad.
The writers suck, and I need them to go like I need a giant vat of sangria while watching this show, but they are not here to sabotage the show.
Anonymous said: I've seen some people say that the serkan now is not "our" serkan and serkan from 28.. do you agree with that? Because of COURSE he won't be the same after everything they've had to go through since then.. I think mainly people seem to think that unless he's like on his knees sobbing for Eda's forgiveness, he's not "back" which I don't agree with. Or maybe I'm just personally over the sadness and don't need a huge breakdown scene and would rather just see them move past it.
I’d take the breakdown scene. This is the man who sobbed when he found out his father was responsible for Eda’s parents death. How has he not had been devastated by how badly he treated her? He said some very nice things in the last episode, but hasn’t offered any specific apology or explanations. It’s all been very broad and on the surface.
Seriously, the scene could last only 3-5 minutes and be amazing and not drag down the entire show. The writers insisted on Serkan treating Eda pretty roughly for a LOT of episodes in a row, they owe it to us for him to face that and deal with it. Maybe it will happen when this Selin stuff comes to a head.
Anonymous said: idk if i'm the only one who feels this way, but after 6 WEEKS of no edser, we get an episode full of happy (except the last 10 mins) and somehow people still nitpick the scenes? and im the first one to admit the writers have sucked all through out the memory plot, but im also not gonna just hate scenes automatically bc i hate them? if you're at the point where you can't even enjoy edser in love and together then what's the point watching? maybe i need to get off twitter after watching the ep.
First I do agree with that. Twitter after the episode is a toxic pit of joyless negativity. Also it always has been that way, even after awesome episodes. For whatever reason on that platform, people knee-jerk react to everything and it’s super unpleasant.
As to your point about nitpicking, I agree. It’s very prevalent in fandom. Because maybe you watch something and liked it. There were a few things that weren’t great, but over all, enjoyable. Then you go online and you see people spiraling about things that hadn’t even hit you and you start thinking about them and all of a sudden something that didn’t bother you while watching is now looming large as as a huge flaw in the show.
In a vacuum the Edser scenes were great. Lots of sweet moments, stunning visuals, H/K chemistry on full display, it’s a shame that it was all a bit disjointed while watching the first time through. The writers just can’t seem to do the big moments justice.
Anonymous said: Thoughts on the ending? She can’t really be pregnant can she? At least not with serkans kid. How the hell are they going to solve this if bige probably isn’t in the next ep or more? :(
Well since you sent this we’ve seen the fragman. At this point, my money is on her being really pregnant with Deniz’s child (By the way, before the fragman I wasn’t sure if she was really pregnant, but if she was I was pretty sure it was Deniz) and I still have a ton of hope that Serkan will know it’s not his, because they didn’t sleep together.
If she’s really pregnant and there was any possibility that Serkan could have been the father she would have been throwing it in his face and making a play to keep him. There is no doubt about that. The fact that she was fleeing the country and adamant that she didn’t want Serkan to know? I think it’s because it can’t be his because they never had sex and she doesn’t want him to know she was cheating on him while they were engaged. She couldn’t continue to play the victim card if he finds that out.
Anonymous said: Selin is def not pregnant IMO. But would she have even concocted this plan if there wasn’t a good chance of eda and serkan believing it for a while? So does that mean the writers are going to make it so that Selin and serkan slept together :( would they really go there?
I think if you watch the Eda/Selin scene again you will see that Selin never says that Serkan is the father, she just says she’s leaving and she repeats again and again that she doesn’t want Serkan to know.
As I said above if she’s really pregnant and there was any way to sell it as Sekan’s, then she would tell him right away and keep on keeping on with the guilt and manipulation.
Even if it’s fake, then she’s doing it just to try and throw one last wrench at the relationship. She told Eda not to tell Serkan over and over again. It it’s fake, maybe a Hail Mary hoping Eda will pull the breaks and potentially leave. This woman is desperate to ruin their happiness, she would do anything even if all it does it cause upset and turmoil for a day.
Anonymous said: I keep hoping that they would pull of one of the biggest twists in dizi history and say that these last 7 episodes were a dream. Imagine how epic that would be.
That would be amazing. Let it all be Serkan’s coma dream after the plane crash and he wakes up to Eda at his bedside.
Anonymous said: While I don’t like Eda saying no to the proposal due to believing Selin’s pregnancy story, I was actually happy that the Edser reconciliation was not wrapped up so quickly. I want them back together but had a real problem with Serkan’s attitude for most of the episode. And him allowing Selin to still work at the company and just apologize to Eda like she borrowed her favorite sweater & never returned it....like who is this guy? And being unwilling to take any blame with the Deniz situation? He needs to actually seem remorseful considering everything that Eda went through. I fear the real problem with his character is the writers which means we may never see episode 1-28 Serkan ever again 😭.
I’ve pretty much addressed all this, but, yes, I feel you. I think it’s a good thing that their reconciliation is going to take more work. Let’s hope the writers find some sort of nuance and skill and get it done!
Anonymous said: I wish bad things on those people who came up with the rumors that we were getting new writers 💀Or the ones who keep saying that Selin will be gone in the next episode and we are coming up on #9 with her. I know it's my own fault for getting my hopes up but still lol - they are purposely extending her stay on this show to spite us, no? This is starting to feel like a personal attack 😂
I KNOW! Those damn spoiler people with their snake oil and false promises! LOL. I have believed them more than once (mostly because I wanted to so badly). That Yasin person (who lies more than he tells the truth) still insists there will be new writers. We shall see. I know more than a few hearts broke when we saw the same names wrote ep 37.
Anonymous said: Do you ever think we’ll get our serkan (ep 1-28) back? Even though he recovered his memory he’s acting so different. In the moments when he’s not being super sweet with eda, he’s inexplicably cold or apathetic. Like when they were stuck in the garage, it was hard to believe he just dismissed her when she brought up being hurt by the memory thing. And telling her to shut up when she was worried instead of comforting her? ESP bc he knows she’s claustrophobic. And answering the phone in the end, even though that “efendim... sevgilim” was turned into a comedic bit, the way he just didn’t seem excited to talk to eda at all? Compared to their phone convos in 12(?) and 27. Idk I can’t believe he has the audacity to be 1) annoyed with eda’s lingering frustration 2) in general not be more apologetic 3) so civil towards Selin? Asking her to stay and saying he wants her to be happy? What the ABSOLUTE FUCK?
I get it, but I think you’ll enjoy the show more if you take a deep breath, realize these writers SUCK, and then try and enjoy the Edser scenes individually. They’re actually pretty good that way. It’s like what I said last week, in order to enjoy, emotionally detach yourself from the plot, and view this as an excuse to see Hande and Kerem make their magic together.
Anonymous said: Ugh sheesh of eda doesn’t tell serkan about selins non pregnancy right away and we have to spend a whole episode with both of them hurt and serkan confused idk how I’m going to have patience to watch it through
This came before the fragman, but from the fragman it appears it’s going to take the whole episode, but I thought it looked like it would be watchable. Seems to me Eda is not going to tell Serkan about the pregnancy. Deniz is going to tip Eda that Selin might be up to something. Cue the girls investigating. At the same time maybe Eda tips off Deniz that Selin is pregnant. Deniz confronts Selin asking if he’s the father. Separately Serkan is trying to find out what’s going on, he finds out Selin is pregnant and the trailer is him telling Engin. I think his reaction could very well be because he’s super confused because how can Selin be pregnant when she was engaged to him but they weren’t sleeping together?? Or he’s furious because he thinks Selin told Eda that and he knows it can’t be true (at least that he’s the father). At least we know that Serkan and Eda have a romantic night at some point...
Anonymous said: I feel like the SCK fandom is on pins & needles waiting to find out in the next episode if Selin & Serkan actually slept together during the 3ish months they were together. Like I want Eda to be honest with him about why she turned down the proposal but then it is either a quick “we never slept together so not possible” that ends that storyline or he admits they did and we spiral into figuring out if she really is pregnant/who is the father. But if she decides not to tell him then he has to spend the episode trying to figure out what happened. Worst case scenario is her not telling him, him spending the whole episode trying to find out and then it ends with a reveal that they did sleep together & pregnancy is possible.
I’m still sticking with that they always purposefully showed us them not sleeping in the same place AND these writers have proved they are aware of the whole “Nobody touches you but me” thing. Why, out of everything, with this storyline looming, is that what he remembered if it wasn’t going to come into play?
And honestly, I don’t want to even speculate it could go the other way, so everyone can stop asking me about that. If we have to cross that bridge, we’ll do it when the time comes. As long as there’s hope, that’s where I’m camping.
Anonymous said: damn, people were just joking about it, but selin and deniz really DID get freaky in the woods lol. no wonder the next time she visited the cafe after the trip she was all awkward about it.
She was totally awkward! And she was checking herself out in the mirror, primping, before she saw him. That’s totally when they did the ugly.
I was cracking up today reading all the people on twitter screaming about “HOW? WHEN?” in regards to Selin and Deniz. UM... they had ample opportunity. They were constantly meeting to discuss their nefarious plans. She was always at his coffee shop. That night at the cabin, Selin and Deniz both went away disappointed and angry leaving Eda and Serkan at the shelter, makes sense they would find cold comfort in each other’s arms. She was acting weird in the last couple of episodes like she’d almost given up and like she was disheartened by how into the sabotage Deniz still was. Also they are side characters in the Edser show, we’re not always going to see what they’re doing. (THANK GOODNESS, last thing we need is that burned into our brains!)
#Sen Cal Kapimi#Edser#Sen Çal Kapımı#sckask#sck episode discussion#sck speculation#sck 1x36#sck 1x37#asklizac
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Heart Beat.
Minari’s film composer Emile Mosseri (also responsible for the Kajillionaire and The Last Black Man in San Francisco scores) tells Ella Kemp about his A24 favorites, Nicholas Britell’s friendship and the boldest Paul McCartney needle drop in movie history.
What do you think a broken heart sounds like? How about a warm, beating one? It’s something that Emile Mosseri has been thinking about for a while now. The past two years have seen him complete a hat-trick of beguiling, transporting scores for Plan B movies: Joe Talbot and Jimmie Fails’ The Last Black Man in San Francisco, Miranda July’s Kajillionaire and now, the film voted the best of 2020 by our community, Lee Isaac Chung’s Minari.
What binds these scores together is a delicacy that knows when to break free and turn into something altogether spectacular. But on Minari in particular, Mosseri is in full bloom, working for the first time in a way he’d always dreamed about. While The Last Black Man in San Francisco saw him compose to a loose edit, and on Kajillionaire he worked to a locked cut, Chung gave him the freedom to write music directly to Minari’s script. “It was a dream to work this way on Minari,” Mosseri says. “It was so beautifully written and so visceral.”
‘Minari’ composer Emile Mosseri.
Minari is an intimate portrait of a Korean family making their way in rural America, and the composer was interested in “trying to figure out musically how you can feel connected to your deepest childhood memories”. These memories belong, in the film, to David—a tiny king played by eight-year-old Alan Kim—as he comes to terms with his new life on a small farm in Arkansas, as his family strives for their own version of the American Dream.
The Yi family is made up of David and his sister Anne (Noel Kate Cho), their parents Monica (Han Ye-ri) and Jacob (Steven Yeun) and their grandmother, Soon-ja (Youn Yuh-jung). It’s a personal story for Chung, one that Mosseri felt honored to be a part of. “It’s a very intimate story with these five characters, which takes place mostly in this small mobile home—but emotionally, it’s very epic.”
There was something about Chung that had caught Mosseri’s attention early on. “I had met him at the LA premiere of Last Black Man,” Mosseri says, “and I sent him the Kajillionaire score.” Mosseri was already familiar with the filmmaker’s work: “His first film, Munyurangabo, is incredible.” He calls Chung “very open, but also sly” in terms of hitting the right notes and “gently steering the ship”. The partnership between composer and director was about working on “a more emotional level,” Mosseri says. “There was never any talk about what we wanted stylistically.”
The ‘Minari’ ensemble cast.
The result is a film graced with music at once lush and raw, grandiose and vulnerable. Mosseri is keenly aware of these nuances, and always made sure to walk the tonal tightrope in the writing process. “There aren’t sad cues and hopeful cues,” he explains. “Every cue has both feelings. Each musical moment dips in and out of the hopefulness and joy of a family, and then the pain and frustration and dissonance that they hold.”
The way Mosseri’s music swells and flows often feels intangible, magical, even—which comes more from knowing what to avoid, rather than acting with too much forced intention. On his first film, Mosseri brought brass and strings to the streets of San Francisco, and with Miranda July, he worked old Hollywood glamor into the concrete blocks of Los Angeles. Here, we twirl through the tall grass as gentle acoustic guitars and elegant string sections sigh and sway, while the Yi family work through their growing pains.
“We didn’t want to hear Korean music when you see Korean characters, and we didn’t want twangy music when you see an American farm,” Mosseri explains. “We wanted to come at it from the side somehow, in some way that’s unexpected.” ‘Rain’, his collaboration with Minari star Han Ye-ri, which features on the official soundtrack, encapsulates this juxtaposition. It’s an epic lullaby of sorts; Han sings in Korean to a gentle guitar; a pleasing swell of synths climbs alongside her voice. The effect on the listener is as if liquid love is trickling from every vein. “I wanted this score to feel like it had a warm, beating heart.”
youtube
Two of your three feature films to date have been released by A24, and so we must ask: what are your favorite A24 film scores?
Emile Mosseri: Three come to mind. First of all, Anna Meredith’s score for Eighth Grade. It’s so adventurous and unexpected and fresh and just brilliant. It’s so pure and out-there. It also does this impossible thing of being hip and exciting and deep, but also hilarious. The pool-party scene fucking kills me.
Then there’s Under the Skin by Mica Levi. I remember seeing that at the Nighthawk theater in Brooklyn and feeling like it was the best score I’d heard in as long as I could remember.
And then of course, Moonlight. That film got under my skin in a way I didn’t see coming. I saw it by myself in a theater, after hearing all the hype for months and months. When a movie has that much hype you can get a bit cynical and it can distract you, so I went in a bit guarded, but I left the film destroyed. For weeks and weeks it resonated with me in a way that was so profound, and a large part of that is due to Nick [Britell]’s music. And the film is just perfection.
Scarlett Johansson in ‘Under the Skin’ (2013), scored by Mica Levi.
You’ve been described as Nicholas Britell’s protégé more than once…
It’s funny, I think that came from me being a fan of his and saying nice things about his music. I met him at Sundance two years ago when Last Black Man was premiering. I went with my wife and my brother and I was so excited, I’d been waiting for this moment for so long. We walked in and Nick and Barry [Jenkins] were walking in behind [us]. And there was also Boots Riley, Kamasi Washington… all these people I looked up to. I hadn’t considered that I would see this film in the room with them, and it was the first time I was hearing the final mix and just agonizing.
Nick was incredibly generous and said great things about the score and was super encouraging, and he became a friend and mentor. But I’ve never studied with him or worked with him. Although, if you’re a fan of somebody’s work, you’re a student of any of these composers that you admire. Anything you watch and listen to, you absorb.
What was the first film that made you want to be a composer?
It was Edward Scissorhands. Danny Elfman’s score was the first one that made me realize that this was a job. I’m always attracted to big, romantic melodies, and over-the-top sweeping stuff—but done tastefully. In that score, he sets the high-water mark for me. It’s so unapologetically romantic.
And then there are other obvious ones like The Godfather. It’s maybe a dorky choice because it’s the most famous movie ever, but it really is the best. And that got me into Nino Rota, and from there I found [Federico] Fellini and all these movies through Nino, the composer. And then I got really into the score for La Dolce Vita and more movies that he’d written for, which are so beautiful.
The ‘Edward Scissorhands’ (1990) score was an early inspiration for Mosseri.
Which films, new to you, blew you away in 2020?
Take Shelter by Jeff Nichols blew me away. It unfolded in a way that was intoxicating and really exciting, and it just really stuck with me.
What’s been your favorite needle drop on screen this year?
Aside from Devonté Hynes’ score being stunning, there’s an amazing piece of music placed in an episode of Luca Guadagnino’s We Are Who We Are. They use a Paul McCartney song called ‘Let Em In’, and they dropped it in this incredibly tasteful but unexpected way, in a really dark, emotionally loaded scene. It worked in such a beautiful and graceful way. It’s because it’s the most cheery McCartney, it’s full-blown upbeat and poppy McCartney. And this is the darkest-of-the-dark human pain, and it lands in this way that is such a bold choice, such a powerful move.
What should people listen to after watching Minari?
One record I’ve been listening to a lot recently is Jeff Tweedy’s Love is the King. It could be a good companion to Minari. I’m a huge fan of his and it’s a gorgeous record. It’s very stripped-down and emotionally raw, and it’s both hopeful and heartbreaking.
Which filmmakers would you love to work with next?
I’m always afraid to answer this question because there are so many filmmakers I admire. There are filmmakers I grew up with loving their films—working with Miranda was that for me. Spike Jonze or Yorgos Lanthimos are directors in her world that I also love and would love to work with. But there’s so many others. Derek Cianfrance is amazing and he works with different composers. I love his choice of collaborators musically. I love that he used the late great Harold Budd to do his shows [including I Know This Much is True], and then Mike Patton, and Grizzly Bear… the music is always incredible in his projects, but he doesn’t have a go-to person. His films are so heartbreaking and powerful and really, really raw. He’s fearless.
I feel very lucky that I’ve worked on these three films which are all very much like somebody’s ripping their heart out and putting it on the screen. I feel like Derek Cianfrance does that in his films too, in this unapologetic, super-vulnerable way of just ripping his soul out and putting it out for everyone to see. It’s incredibly appealing to find those projects, because they’re really rare.
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Follow Ella on Letterboxd
‘Minari’ is available everywhere in the US that movies can be rented, and screening in select theaters in the US and other regions. Listen to the official soundtrack and more of Mosseri’s film compositions in the official Spotify playlist via Milan Records. ‘Kajillionaire’ is available on VOD now.
#minari#letterboxd year in review#kajillionaire#the last black man in san francisco#emile mosseri#miranda july#lee isaac chung#a24#a25 films#film composer#film soundtrack#film score#derek cianfrance#nicholas britell#nino rota#letterboxd
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could you do an elliot x reader where the reader describes elliot and what all things the reader loves about him
notes: this took a bit to get out but here it is. i'd like to say now that i am disabled (however I don't live in a hospital yet) and any insult towards disabled people in this is simply selfhatred and not bigotry. kind of strayed from the prompt but i hope you like it anyway :) thank u for requesting
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Elliot didn't seem the type of person who would like you – he was quiet and intelligent, like every person who belittled you just because you weren't smart. Because of that and that alone, you mostly avoided him, which wasn't hard. He didn't come to the hospital often, but when he did it was a hell of an uproar. All the patients went around telling about his injuries, making up stories to coincide with them, as Elliot was not the type of person to tell the doctors the origins of his wounds.
You stayed out of it.
Still, you'd pass by his room every now and then the few times you felt like you could walk. Most other times you stayed in your wheelchair, using the smaller break area to get snacks instead of going up a floor to the actual lounge.
Every now and then the rooms would switch up – more often you'd get placed in a communal room, shaped like a large hallway and filled with six or so patients in their beds. It freed up space for emergency patients and nonpermanent ones, but that didn't stop your bedmates from complaining. Most of them were old, and those who had good care were privileged, and did not understand nuances of the modern world. A good deal of them weren't even aware they were in the modern world, and though it was sad to most others you found it interesting. They were practical gateways to different times, time travelling without ever leaving the hospital, learning new things without ever attending school.
Recently you were moved to a room fitted for two people, though for the most of that time it was only you in there. It was almost nice – the quiet, the privacy, and an indicator that the hospital wasn't overloaded. All things end though, and all things change, and one evening you awoke to find Elliot in the bed across from you. He was passed out, the curtain around him drawn only to hide him from the glass wall leading to the corridors. You could fully see him – the cuts on his head indicative of a concussion, the bruised eye most likely a result of a fight, the rough breathing caused by bruising and breaking of the ribs.
It took several days before he woke up from his coma, constantly under the surveillance of nurses who flitted in and out of the room. They ignored you for the most part, knowing you were a steady patient, and that you could handle yourself in this environment.
Your condition, while it couldn't kill you, was extremely unpleasant and often barred you from leaving your bed most days. Now you had little reason to otherwise – Elliot was... interesting. Just to watch. The way he stared up at the television, his fingers tapping against his leg and how the clamp around his forefinger made a heavier sound than the rest. A chronic fidgeter – a bit like yourself in that aspect, but the way he spoke was what really got you going. Rough and low, an almost monotone voice that lilted only in the most dire times. Still you kept your distance, reminding yourself that people like him did not like people like you. Restrained and disabled. Stupid and weak.
It had to be sometime in the middle of night. There were no clocks in your new room, but it was pitch black outside, the only light being the streetlights and cars busying themselves far below your floor. To your left, the hospital halls remained nearly empty. Most nurses and doctors had gone home, replaced by those in constant night shift, a job you did not envy. While you were nocturnal for your own health, working during the night seemed like an awful fate.
No matter – you pushed the blankets off your legs, hoisting yourself to sit up and soon stand tall on your feet. You hardly noticed Elliot still in the corner, at least not until the world began to black out, a cold tingling swarming over your head as you lost vision and feeling in your legs and arms. Only when you didn't hit the ground did you notice him. You felt the arms around you, the touch of warm skin against your freezing forearms, and his panicked breathing against your exposed neck.
"Thank you," you said rather dumbly, empty of any other reply. Wordlessly he helped you into your wheelchair, only returning to his bed when he trusted you were fully situated.
"Be careful," he mumbled.
Those were the first words he said to you, and though you didn't know it at the time, they were only the beginning of the many words and emotions he would communicate with you.
When you returned that same evening after your trip to the break room and bathroom, he was still awake, watching as you opened and closed the door behind you, waiting till you hauled yourself back into bed before he spoke.
"I've seen you here a lot," he said in that low voice that had your heart picking up. Thankfully, you were not connected to a heart monitor.
"That's probably because I live here," you said, chuckling softly, halted only by the expression he gave you. Unreadable but shocked – maybe mortified that he'd asked that question. Many people were. To them, you were glass.
Instead of apologizing, he asked, "why?"
"Neural condition. First of my kind," you said with almost a hint of pride – the first to have your type of disease. No cure, no shared misery, nothing. "Makes me have pain all the time and shuts off some of the networks in my brain. Body too, sometimes. 'S why I faint a lot when I stand."
He thought for a moment. At least that's what he looked like he was doing, staring at the blue blanket over his legs as a silence came between you.
"That must be difficult."
"Sometimes. I don't mind it so much though," you said, only a half lie. "It's all I've ever known. What are you here for anyway?"
He didn't answer. Instead he shifted onto his side, closed his eyes, and went to sleep. A sigh left you – of course he wouldn't tell you. He didn't even tell the doctors, so in his absence you pulled one of the books from your side table, turned on your reading light, and immersed yourself in a story for the remainder of the night.
In the daytime he continues to fidget, playing with his nails or his lips, running his hands through his hair – you love when he does that. You know you shouldn't love anything about him, considering he still hasn't shown any taste for you, but you find yourself admiring it despite that. Beautiful things can exist without reciprocation, and to be fair you aren't beautiful in most people's eyes. You’re broken, but you don't think on it much, and you don't imagine what you could've been. He's a wonderful distraction from that.
One evening he tells you – out of the blue he looks to the side of your head (the closest he's ever come to actual eye contact) and he just tells you. You hardly believe it, believe him, but he speaks as though he's sincere. Besides, you're not here to doubt him. You're here to listen.
"That's rough buddy," you said quietly when he finished. "Are you gonna be okay?"
"Who fuckin' knows," he grumbled, shifting his position to look out the window, where the edge of dusk faded over the horizon.
He gets better, eventually. And eventually he leaves the hospital – you tell him as he leaves, pulling on his clothes behind the curtain, that you enjoyed his company. That every horrible thing will have a place in his life, but that it's important to have a place for good things too. He doesn't really say anything. He mumbles something you can't hear, something you aren't fully meant to hear, and then he leaves.
Without a word.
He visits the hospital a couple more times, each time with the same injuries as before, and usually the same cause, but the only person he divulges the causes to is you. Quietly, so the doctors won't hear. Sometimes he sits at your bedside, even when you don't share a room, and he tells you about everything going on, everything in his life, every horrible thing he's stopped, every person he's inadvertently killed, every regret he's had, and he's had a lot of them. He's so broken, so tired of what he does – it's evident in the way he almost touches you. Softness fills his eyes when you smile, and the thought of it has tears brimming in your eyes.
You did that.
You made him happy.
It's worth it for that. He deserves happiness, has a better chance with it than you do – you have no say in your life other than the ability to roll yourself into an elevator and fling yourself off the roof of the building. But he has friends, albeit few of them, and he has work. Hobbies, too. When he talks about his hobbies (which you'd refer more to as hyper-fixations) you can almost see him smile. He gets more animated, he talks and talks and talks for ages and you listen. You listen well, even though you can't understand, and you ask questions in hopes of clarifying despite the fact you know you'll never understand. Again, you're not smart like he is. Not after all your medication.
Eventually his trips to the hospital begin to change in their meaning. He comes for check ups every now and then, and each time he visits you. He brings food from the world outside, new books, trinkets, things that might remind him of you, and each time he plays it down like it's nothing. But you have nothing left, no parents or friends, so the 'nothing' he gives you amounts to everything in your head.
Eventually his trips to the hospital become meaningless. He doesn't even check in – he just makes a beeline for your room, sometimes asking the front desk where you are if the rooms change, but for the most part he ignores everyone else in the hospital but you. It shatters and rebuilds your heart. This man who has lost so very much, gone through so many terrible things finds solace in you. He visits the hospital just for you.
No one does that.
You're a hard friend to have. You can't go out, you can barely walk, every now and then a shot of pain will interrupt a conversation to the point where you're writhing on the floor, pounding your fists against your head or anywhere where it might hurt as the nurses rush in and put you under anesthesia. You're embarrassing, and your whole life feels like a detriment to those around you.
Elliot holds your hand, and he hums. Quietly, and a tune you can't identify, but it stirs you out of one of those breakdowns, your dizzy vision focusing to see his silhouette against the city skyscrapers, the plush of his lips in the fluorescent lights, the scarce comfort in his eyes that appears only around you. To him you are safe, and to him you are his. To you, he is love, and to you, you are his.
Uncommon people band together, protect each other from the world meaning to do them harm, and there is no greater example of this than when he hides himself in you, and you let yourself live in him. A strange connection indeed, and not one anyone else would understand. You hardly understand it yourself, but when he smiles for the first time, a wide smile, followed with a laugh that comes from his chest as his eyes shut and he falls back in his chair – you hardly feel your pain. It's just him.
It's just him, and nothing else needs to exist.
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🎤fave line in a fic you wrote, 💎 fave trope to write, and 🌍fave type of au to write? :D
🎤fave line in a fic you wrote
Man, that's a hard one. A lot of my favourite lines are ones that hit the best in context, due to repetition or how they’re used in that story.
But all in all, if it came down to it... probably not what anyone would expect. If it came down to it, my current absolute favourite line I’ve written across all of my fics would be from Another’s Hand:
The arm is this to Bucky: A tool. A thing not his own. A thing given to him, yes, but it doesn't belong to him any more than he does.
Which ties and mirrors to a later line:
(It was never his, even as they bolted it into his bones. Another man's arm controlled by another man's will to serve another man's purpose.)
Another’s Hand is one of my three Bucky-centric short study fics, of me playing with the lines between Bucky and the Winter Soldier, the violation and trauma of it and the knockon effects. The fics are in specific: Another’s Hand, a patient etherized, and Puzzle Pieces and I am very proud of them. In this specific case, it’s Bucky’s questions about what the metal arm is, given it’s place in the trauma and violation visited on him. It is hugely representative of all that, but it’s also useful, and it has, over that time, become a part of him as well - it informs who he is in the present. It’s not unlike how our experiences, good and bad, become parts of us, and we have to find ways to reconcile ourselves to the the changes those experiences have wrought on us.
If you want a runner up favourite line, it’d be this, from one of my more recent Critical Role fics:
There’s a twinge in his back - he probably pulled something in his fitful sleep - but he stretches his arms out, feels everything click into place like the bolt and barrels of his guns.
This is from even his worst, which is a Percy character study set immediately after Crimson Diplomacy. My friend @chamerionwrites most accurately pinned why this is one of my favourite lines - I love analogies and like them, I especially like analogies that reveal something about the character. I use a lot of structural analogies in my Maximoff fics when talking about mindscapes, but Percy’s a much more mechanical individual - there’s a reason why that balance may return talks about carriage springs as a comparison for tension - but this allows you to infer much more about who Percy is and how he perceives himself and I’m very proud of it for that.
💎 fave trope to write
Oh well all know this. Pain! Of some kind. I like emotional hurt/comfort as a means of character study, or just character hurt as a means of character study. Geode method of writing - to see what a character is made of, first you must break them. Hence: angst.
Also I just... I really like seeing how people respond to pressure. We’re all very different people in the world and where pressure encourages some people to strive, in some cases it breaks people, or twists them into a terrible, painful shape. It creates something new out of them you wouldn’t find in other circumstances and I enjoy writing the struggle of that, as well as a final recovery and... coming to terms with the changes the world puts you through. I like doing it for characters I relate to and characters I don’t much relate to, characters I like and characters I dislike, and even sets of characters I like but which don’t much like each other in the source canon.
Mostly because I think it’s worth while to look at all of these different perspectives and different ways people respond and accept that they’re all allowed to have these complex and very different attitudes to things - that there’s no one perfect way to do things and that sometimes, through no fault of anyone, people may fall apart or come together. Sometimes someone clicks with someone in a way they didn’t before, and sometimes they become so different they no longer click as they once did. That doesn’t mean either person is terrible for it - just different. And that can be hard to accept with IRL people, but fiction is there as a trial run for reality, in a lot of ways. It’s a safer space for us to explore uncomfortable emotions, so I try to offer that opportunity in my fic - cases where no one is right but no one is wrong either.
Or... or sometimes, another favourite: where someone is wrong, terribly so, but you can understand why they’re doing and/or believe the terrible and objectively wrong things.
We’re all capable of terrible things. We’re all capable of justifying or excusing things. And I deeply like leading readers slowly towards something that horrifies them but that the story allows them to completely understand the motivations of. It’s a tricky path to tread but I firmly believe reading things like that, learning to see how people justify those things to themselves, allows you to better catch yourself in the act of those things and keep yourself and your actions in line with your morals.
🌍fave type of au to write? :D
Okay, this is going to be terribly specific but: I like AUs where I change a very small thing which doesn’t affect plot or overarching, externally-caused events so much, but still allows me to really dig into the meat of a character’s personality, nature and problems, as well as the themes they pull at both in canon and in the context of the fic.
This is what I mean when I talk about using meta in fic - I’m not talking about writing meta and posting it as fic (that’d be mistagging, bitches), I’m talking about using what you read in what you write. Using what you learn to make your creations better. There’s a lot of observations you can find in meta that it’s worth trying to incorporate into your fic to give the characters and the story a greater degree of nuance and depth - to make the story overall more interesting and engaging.
Send an emoji from Here to have me answer questions about fic!
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Sorry to bother you but i am out of the loop. What did Riot do with seraphine?
// @crying-elf-lass // First of all - excellent choice in pfp, Marcille is great.
Now, trying to keep as much bias out of my post as possible... ( though there will be some, and I will miss some things! )
There are three parts to consider. Gameplay, narrative, and niche in the world.
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First, we need to talk about the history of Sona in League of Legends.
Narrative & Niche: Sona, as a champion, has existed for many, many, many years. Her lore was 2 paragraphs and she had no short story. Her canon appearances ( excluding an Odssey short story which I will take about later ) were limited to other champion’s stories ( her adoptive mother, Lestara, helped Quinn to become a ranger-knight, she helped Ryze secure a World Rune in Call of Power ). Several years ago, Riot changed the lore of Demacia ( Sona’s current home ) to be one that denies magic. With the addition of petricite, a magic nullifying material, and several changes in lore, Demacia became the host of several magical problems ( dragons, Evelynn, Nocturne, Fiddlesticks ) and a unit of anti-magic specialists ( mageseekers ).
Throughout that time, up until 2 months ago, Sona’s lore did not receive a single meaningful change or update. This is a period of over 5 years, in which one of Demacia’s only mages / magical creatures ( Poppy, Lux, Sona, Shyvana, and later Sylas ) did not get any sort of answer as to what is happening with her. Several other champions did get an explanation of sorts, with some manner of handwaiving - for example, minotaurs are part of the Demacian army, so magical creatures are not out and out excluded. Yordles are known to be seen differently by different people, so Poppy’s existence is also possible to explain ( we learned this with an interaction between Ziggs and Jinx in Zaun ).
This left Sona writers in a general state of confusion. Is Sona in jail? Is Sona a registered mage? Not to mention that Sona left Ionia ( where a war between Noxus and Ionia occurred ) and the timing of that was unspecified.
Which led to a giant gap in terms of “what is this champion doing and what is her situation”. And each of us tried to fill that gap in our own ways. Some of us had Sona leave Demacia, some had her retreat into her mansion and play less music, some had her be defiant, and so on. Because the last thing we learned was that she was in Ionia, helping Ryze with the World Rune, some people put her in Ionia semi-permanently.
And we also had to contend with the existence of Sylas, who flipped Demacia on its head and caused something of a mage hunt. The finer details of that I exclude, it’s enough to say that certain mages were rounded up and put in prison where once they were exiled, and Lux helped some magically inclined individuals escape. There’s a nuanced conflict there between several members of Demacia ( Garen, Jarvan, Lux, Xin Zhao, Tianna, etc ) but getting into that is not the point of this.
We still didn’t know anything about Sona. So Sona writers and players and enthusiasts tried their very best to fill in the gap with what we did know, often incidentally. We did know that Sona was once in Ionia, that the Ionia-Noxus war happened, that she moved to Demacia, and that she is a famous musician with a magical instrument. Prior to the removal of the Institute of War ( a part of lore which said that ‘summoners’ were real and nations used Summoners + Champions to settle conflicts ), Sona was known globally and was basically Runeterra’s #1 musician when it comes to the etwahl, perhaps more. We also know that Sona is an extremely empathetic person, and her music is borderline spellbinding, to the point where it was easy to guess that she could affect people’s emotions and was an empath. None of that was out and out confirmed, but it was easy to make that logical conclusion.
Very recently, Sona’s lore changed. In it, a lot changed. We learned that she left Ionia with others, rather than just alone and with her etwahl, and it was to escape the Ionia conflict ( not because Lestara, her adoptive mother, wished to possess the fabled etwahl ). Essentially, this new lore painted Sona far more as a war refugee, and painted Lestara in a far better light as well. Along with this lore update/rework, we also got a short story ( that still left what she’s doing now up in the air!)
However, this came after a several year wait. And in that time, Sona enthusiasts had no choice but to come up with answers to all their burning questions by themselves. One Sona writer followed the ‘Sona is the aspect of harmony’ track, another followed the ‘music as a means of community togetherness’ track, another put her as an oversensitive empath who uses music to heal the pain of her people - and we all tend to agree on one point - Sona is an extremely empathetic person who uses her music for the good of others.
And as we waited, several other champions appeared, some of them overlapping with Sona’s music theme. Bard, the wanderer who listens to the songs of creation itself. Jhin, the murderous theater performer and assassin who believes the world his stage. Rakan, the battle dancer who uses the songs and rhythms of people to fight and move before they do. And Sona’s niche, what was unique about her, grew smaller and smaller.
Finally, we had something that felt unique about Sona.
Gameplay & Design:
Sona as a champion has existed a very long time... And is the aura and music champion. Her q does some damage, her w shields and heals ( and reduces damage with her passive ), and her e speeds people up ( and slows with her passive ), while her r is a rectangular ult wave - thinner than Nami’s, but still relatively wide. The kit as a whole is pretty simple, but it has a history.
Sona players are... innovators. They like to do things like buy Kirchei’s shard because it’s most efficient, or take Sona mid, top, jungle, and adc. And over the last two years, Sona has received nerf after nerf after nerf saying, “No, stay in the support role”. You can still pull off certain lanes, but it’s extremely difficult because her aura abilities give you mana back if you tag an ally... making them difficult to use in a solo lane, or to roam alone.
Also, as one of the older crew of champions ( pre Jinx when Riot started using other body types for women ), her figure is... well, she’s got an hourglass figure, and her dress does not hide her breasts much at all. And it’d been like this for ages and ages, which meant that in League’s toxic culture, being a Sona one-trick led to a variety of hateful comments which I won’t repeat here.
Sona has a history of being treated like either an overpowered support or a terrible one, in part because she lacks any form of CC before 6 ( barring her e chord passive ).
So if you’re a Sona enthusiast, a big part of you wants Sona to have agency and not just be a pretty face damsel in distress. Even I, who have a second blog where I write Sona as an extremely soft character, don’t have her be a damsel in that interpretation of her. This is made worse by the community and a lot of art that ships her with men who treat her badly, along with an endless slew of adult images that degrade her, and often make fun of her disability - that she can’t speak. It’s sad and it’s degrading. And even within the last few years, she was written in a story in the Odyssey skin line... as a prize for Kayn to take. That is an official Riot story which essentially treated her like a prize to capture for Kayn’s own goals - not as a person, but as a carrier of a key, as an object, and she lacked agency. Thankfully over the last few years, Riot has started giving women more agency, but... it’s been a problem for a long time.
Recently, along with the lore rework, we got Sona in a skin that makes her look and feel like a badass - PsyOps, her legendary skin. She breaks free of her confines and rages against those in her way in a very Syndra-like fashion, uncaged. And this was very cool.
And now, we have Sona where she is now.
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Seraphine as a champion has recently been revealed, along with her abilities and lore.
Narrative & Niche:
Seraphine’s lore is essentially this.
She, born of Zaunite parents, went up to Piltover. She was able to hear the souls and songs of people ( magical empath ) and hoped to unite those around her with her music. Then, she went down to Zaun, a city full of impoverished and disenfranchised peoples, to try and do the same thing.
In other words, “This champion uses music as a means of bringing people together. She aims to aid the disenfranchised.” There is nuance there, and it’s not the exact same as Sona, but the similarity is striking.
Furthermore, several key points in her lore are things that Sona writers have already imagined for themselves. A hypersensitivity to others, for example. Having such a strong sense of hearing that she can hear things others can’t. Sona is known to be able to essentially echolocate ( or at least, she had been known to do so in her older lore ).
I will admit that the idea of ‘hypersensitive hearing or empathy’ is not the sole domain of Sona writers. Athena Cykes of Ace Attorney has a similar problem ( as revealed in her backstory ). And similarly, she wore a special device to help her filter that out. It’s not a completely unique idea, but again - the problem is striking. Sona, a highly sensitive and empathetic person, was often interpreted to be too sensitive to others. And now it’s on Seraphine, in her lore.
Seraphine’s whole lore is that she’s essentially an extremely popular and famous musician who brings people together with music... and that’s what Sona was.
She was all those things.
So to some people ( myself included ) it feels as though Riot has reworked Sona’s lore so they can give some of the overlap to Seraphine. Empathy / soul-seeing ( a Morgana, Kayle, Neeko, and Sona special... ) and the whole music thing...
And this is leading people to say, repeatedly, “This is just Sona 2.0.”
For Sona enthusiasts who have been waiting for Sona to get content or lore for years and years, this feels like a slap in the face.
Gameplay & Design:
Seraphine’s abilities are as follows.
When she uses 3 abilities, her next ability is empowered with additional effects ( essentially repeating ). Her q does damage ( based on missing health ) and is a skillshot, her w shields and speeds up people ( and heals herself if she’s already shielded ), and her e slows people ( and roots if they’re already slowed ), while her R is a rectangular ult that charms those hit and makes them walk towards her briefly.
That’s really similar to Sona.
When Sona uses 3 abilities, her next auto-attack is empowered with additional effects. Her q does damage. Her w shields and heals people ( and reduces damage output from an enemy if her passive is up). And her e speeds allies up ( and slows an enemy if her passive is up ). And her R is a rectangular ult that stuns those hit and makes them dance in place.
The similarity is striking. Seraphine does lack the ability to heal allies ( on first glance, I may have misread ), but she looks extremely similar to Sona... which is a frustration.
This year, we got Yone, Yasuo’s brother. And the reasoning behind this, when most other champions are written to give unique inputs/outputs, is that this is an alternative choice for Yasuo players when Yasuo is banned and will improve game health.
However, I suspect the same logic does not hold for Sona and Seraphine. Sona is in a class of enchanters, where several champions can do things similar to what she does already ( with some differences, of course! ). If you can’t play Sona, you can play Karma, you can play Taric, etc - not the same, but similar. It’s my suspicion that with the introduction of Seraphine, we will instead have the problem of Akali/Diana several years ago - these champions are so similar that whichever one is stronger will be played while the other one will be ignored completely.
Furthermore, Seraphine got a lot of attention. A lot of attention. She has a fake twitter account.
And she is releasing with two skins, one of which is an ultimate. Release. For Sona players who only just got their legendary ( with the understanding that DJ Sona exists ), this feels like a slap in the face. It’s easy to feel overshadowed, and as much of the community is saying right now, this is ‘Sona 2.0′
Now some people are saying, ‘maybe Sona gets reworked’, but that will not be a great answer. If you like playing Sona’s current playstyle, swapping to Seraphine because Riot changed Sona completely will be alienating, and only exacerbate the feeling that Seraphine is replacing and overshadowing Sona.
But it gets a little worse than that too. Seraphine is designed for mid/support, to be played in both lanes. However, Sona enthusiasts have received nerf after nerf to Sona in other lanes, which only makes this hit that much harder. There’s a theory that Seraphine’s kit is essentially a scrapped Sona rework kit. If Seraphine’s build is the same as Sona’s, it will be... tragic. It will be disappointing...
And it’s already exhausting.
Neither Sona nor Seraphine enthusiasts are without the metaphorical gutpunch, and this is likely to divide the community even further. And heaven forbid you like both.
For Sona enthusiasts, this is a slap in the face. Our favorite champion being overshadowed and overhyped by another who gets so much on release, when we’ve longed for content for years is hurtful.
For Seraphine enthusiasts, this is a punch in the gut, for seeing their champion essentially be treated like a clone of another is unkind. Any nuance or effort put into Seraphine will be drowned underneath ‘Sona 2.0′. And the overlap between both champions and their respective abilities and character traits will wear anyone out.
And that’s not fair to anyone.
( Disclaimer: I wasn’t able to stay 100% unbiased, but if you read all of that, thank you. )
#long post tw#ooc#crying elf lass#//you can reblog this if you want but don't come fight me about it
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