I'm at a point in life where i need to somehow laugh about the shit in my l8fe or I'm just going to start crying

a girl i knew at church growing up went through a traumatic divorce within the last couple years with a man who told her she was “babyish” for liking squishmallows, refused to go on outings with her instead of playing video games, would only have sex with her once a month, and told her she needed to stop getting tattoos and piercings because she “knew it was wrong” and was ruining her body (all her tattoos are super small fine line type stuff too not even like mine!) and anyway i want to hit him with my car

*sees post about mormonism on dash that while funny isn't entirely accurate*

*corrects post in the tags*

Why am I like this?

Screaming crying throwing UP RIGHT NOW thinking about all my queer ancestors that I'll never know about because we are generationally mormon so any hint at all of them being queer would have been shoved under the rug and their story would have been told differently when it was added to our genealogy I'm sorry they did that to you I'm sorry you're known only as this sanitized version of yourself and god the only times I wish there was an afterlife is when I think of meeting you as real family

I know they're still in their teens or barely 20 most of the time, but I wanna fucking explode mormon missionaries who come over. Hi! Do YOU know why the church openly mocked me in single's ward when I tried returning six years ago? Do YOU know why I'm not allowed into places I would have felt better in the church?? Do YOU know why I'm not allowed to piss in a church building, and now the entire state of Utah, without the latter fining me $1k+???

You're the ones who fucked me over, don't try to come back and make it seem like I can have any glimpse of a space in your fucking cult. It became extremely apparent when I was asked to go into goddamn conversion therapy when THATS illegal, because you can just fancily cover it and call it therapy.

Joke of a 'religion' that still fucking haunts me and will until I get a goddamn lawyer.

i suppose this fits here but i just needed to get shit off my chest.

the idea of growing up terrifies me now. im 18 finally and ive graduated high school and i have a job and its not what i thought it would be. i dont remember the details, but i woke up thrashing and panicking this morning over. some dream that had something to do with growing up. i spent my whole goddamn life trying to get to this point as fast as i could, because it was the only way i could see to break out of my parents rules and restrictions and finally be free and be myself without fear.

and. now i made it. im here, i did it, and. id give anything to go back. i wasted so much time, so much energy, being afraid and letting that fear control me and focusing only on this one nebulous far off goal that i wasted my life. i missed every opportunity that might have been there had i decided to just stick up for myself instead. i already had a fucked up high school experience and i made it worse for myself out of fear.

im never getting those years back.

ive already lost so much to the way i was raised in the mormon church and now this, by proxy but still at my own hand, and its. i dont know. it makes me sick. i only ever wanted to be normal and this is what i fucking got and theres nothing i can do about it. my whole life was stolen from me because of this church, be it directly or indirectly and theres nothing i can do about it.

all the Christmas ties got me sad.

I wanna wear a Christmas tie to church

I recently spent my lunch break talking to my coworkers about Amish and Mennonites and Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses while they looked at me with eyes like flying saucers, and I couldn't stop talking ! and really wanted to share everything I know about these high demand religions !

And sometimes I would try to stop talking but then my coworkers would keep asking questions and I thought I could die of happiness from the opportunity to talk more about this.

Is it what people who have special interests feel like when they can info dump about them ? Because wow pure liquid fire in my veins it felt so good

the three ways to make me INSTANTLY dislike you:

unironically call an animal (or any living thing rly) "useless" because if it exists there is inherently use for it. thats how evolution works dumbass

"art is dead"/"theres no good art anymore"/i dislike modern art"/"i could paint/write/sculpt that"/any variation of some bullshit about how any sort of art is lesser than another

"i think anyone who believes in religion is stupid and should be embarrassed" and im especially deadass about this one. it puts you in such a bad mindset its not even funny. you can hate bigots all you want and the way bigotry may intersect with religion is always an interesting study but. genuinely. if you hate religion AS A WHOLE for just. like. being a reflection of a population. i think you seriously need to get your head checked.

Alex Mercer is so precious to me.

so precious that i could never fathom giving him a "raised in christianity" headcanon. being raised christian sucks. he doesn't deserve that.

Alex my dear agnostic king

My mom just sent a message to the family group chat suggesting that my siblings download the 'For the Strength of Youth' magazine on their Gospel Library app and talked about how much the youth magazines helped her testimony growing up and like, cool. Fine. Don't know why the 'sending random spiritual thoughts in the gc' thing started out of nowhere when it hadn't been a thing for a decade but this is just another one of those, and you're ofc allowed to talk about things that are significant in your life.

I don't think sending the 'What I Did When Someone Close to Me Challenged My Faith' article right afterwards was strictly necessary though 🙃

being autistic in the mormon church

being autistic in the mormon church was, for me at least, a weird experience. because i wasn't excluded or mocked very often, just smothered in that strange warm beige obligation. because they could tell, they knew i was different just like i did. so they held my hand, told the other children to be nice to me, to make sure i felt included. and my peers did, cause they didn't have a choice, raised to be polite and kind no matter what just like i was. so i was included and invited places, always as an afterthought or a checked box but invited nonetheless, injected into conversations and games by adults that my peers wouldn't dare contradict. 'well meaning' adults who ask me if im okay or if i want to join the group, talking down in the sweetest tones. every christmas and on every birthday they still track me down to give me a card about how much they miss my 'unique perspective', even though i always tried my hardest to fit in and say the normal things.

"Look at that one. it's different and broken, but you must be kind to it. help it stay in the light of god, because god is the only way to save it. we're good, and righteous, and its so lucky to be in the church because we're the only ones who'll ever tolerate it, because that's what god wants."

and i miss it sometimes. standing on the edge of people who i desperately want to be friends with, flitting around in the back of stores and staring at concert posters indecisively until the date has passed. never finding the right spot in a conversation to talk, never working up the courage to ask if i can come too, i miss the people who had to be nice. who had me on a little list in their mind of what they need to get to heaven.

but im never going back. because even i could feel that it was fake. i felt watched and judged and pitied at all times, by peers who would ask me if i was coming then talk amongst themselves about jokes i didnt get and shared friends i didnt know. and i may be lonely now, but id rather do the work and be awkward and sick with nerves and find people and spaces that i actually want to be in who actually want me to be there, even if it seems impossible now. id rather that than go back to that warm suffocating place, familiar like the worst kind of family.

also telling that all the adults im talking about are either women/afab people or members of the bishopric, people whose 'job' it is to be welcoming and nurturing, though these experiences are mostly from young womens so that would also be it, but even women who arent involved in the yw leadership are raised and taught and obligated to do this and i dont blame any of them but its always made me wildly uncomfortable. never as much as random men who would sit down next to me and just start talking like we knew each other tho so eh

.

I keep having dreams that Johnny Ghost irrationally(?) dislikes Catholic people. Because e of trauma I think but that’s so random for my brain to fixate on when I have no irl connection with the Catholic Church.

Religious trauma headcanon real I guess, I get it.

OOH who was mormon raised from the latest chapter mention??

That's a spoiler teeeheeee

But also so no one gets it twisted Mormonism is literally fucking evil and traumatized REDACTED. They now see that it hurt them but when first faced with reality many people deny deny deny. Me and all my homies hate religious zealots.

i hate when people who have no real knowledge about mormonism besides like seeing missionaries once in a while and watching the keep sweet doc start talking about it.... someone on my dash is saying that ruby franke did that bc "mormons are just like that" like actually in no religion is it common to torture and starve your children.