being autistic in the mormon church

being autistic in the mormon church was, for me at least, a weird experience. because i wasn't excluded or mocked very often, just smothered in that strange warm beige obligation. because they could tell, they knew i was different just like i did. so they held my hand, told the other children to be nice to me, to make sure i felt included. and my peers did, cause they didn't have a choice, raised to be polite and kind no matter what just like i was. so i was included and invited places, always as an afterthought or a checked box but invited nonetheless, injected into conversations and games by adults that my peers wouldn't dare contradict. 'well meaning' adults who ask me if im okay or if i want to join the group, talking down in the sweetest tones. every christmas and on every birthday they still track me down to give me a card about how much they miss my 'unique perspective', even though i always tried my hardest to fit in and say the normal things.

"Look at that one. it's different and broken, but you must be kind to it. help it stay in the light of god, because god is the only way to save it. we're good, and righteous, and its so lucky to be in the church because we're the only ones who'll ever tolerate it, because that's what god wants."

and i miss it sometimes. standing on the edge of people who i desperately want to be friends with, flitting around in the back of stores and staring at concert posters indecisively until the date has passed. never finding the right spot in a conversation to talk, never working up the courage to ask if i can come too, i miss the people who had to be nice. who had me on a little list in their mind of what they need to get to heaven.

but im never going back. because even i could feel that it was fake. i felt watched and judged and pitied at all times, by peers who would ask me if i was coming then talk amongst themselves about jokes i didnt get and shared friends i didnt know. and i may be lonely now, but id rather do the work and be awkward and sick with nerves and find people and spaces that i actually want to be in who actually want me to be there, even if it seems impossible now. id rather that than go back to that warm suffocating place, familiar like the worst kind of family.

also telling that all the adults im talking about are either women/afab people or members of the bishopric, people whose 'job' it is to be welcoming and nurturing, though these experiences are mostly from young womens so that would also be it, but even women who arent involved in the yw leadership are raised and taught and obligated to do this and i dont blame any of them but its always made me wildly uncomfortable. never as much as random men who would sit down next to me and just start talking like we knew each other tho so eh

JUST SAYING ONCE I LEARN TO PRONOUNCE MY T'S PROPERLY ITS OVER FOR YOU BUTTNUGGETS

Hi I know you're probably getting a lot of asks right now and I swear Im asking this in good faith, I watched both days of proceedings and there were some things that confused me and I don't how where to get answers

In SAs argument they assert that hamas is not a state and not party to the genocide convention because it is labelled a terrorist organization and therefore its crimes dont fall under the courts jurisdiction because there are other courts for that, which is why they were focusing on israels crimes against the Palestinian people

But it seemed like the majority of Israels argument was specifically about the oct 7 massacre and that it was in a war with hamas and they were referring to it as a terrorist state. But from what I understand hamas was elected in 2006 (causing the split between gaza and the west bank) and there haven't been elections since then

Israel said it was at war with terrorists and also refuses to acknowledge hamas as a legitimate government, but then also said it couldnt stop its military operations because it would give hamas free reign to continue attacks on israel and that therefore the provisional measures werent justified.

Im really confused by Israels statements because they both seemed to refuse to acknowledge hamas as a legitimate government (stating it a terrorist organization) and yet they opposed south africas assertion that because hamas was a terrorist organization this isn't the right court to try them making only israel accountable to this particular court and said south africa refused to acknowledge hamas's crimes being committed

I just dont get how they can plead that both hamas is a terrorist organization not a government and that south africa should have mentioned what hamas was doing since oct. 7, despite the fact that both parties seem to agree that hamas is not a governent

If this court only has jurisdiction over governments, how can israel be angry that south africa didn't talk enough about hamas when they both agree it isnt a government?

Also how can israel argue that they aren't permanently displacing civilians and that they are only ordering civilians to move for their own safety temporarily if there is nowhere for them to return to? Are they saying that the bombing and complete destruction of palestinian homes im this war somehow isn't permanent displacement of a people?

Israel also mentioned their own court and how well respected it is, does this mean Palestinians are able to go and lay charges in their court system? If so does that mean they are civilians of Israel as well? And if thats the case then doesn't that mean theyre bombing and murdering people who are supposed to be under their protection or at the very least their leadership? How is that not genocide then?

Sorry if this was worded poorly i was having a hard time articulating myself. I just don't know if im misunderstanding something or if israel is actively contradicting itself in big places

No that was worded great

I'm as confused as you are, anon

I would like you to elaborate on dirk and Dave's relationship post game! 0u0

I want to make one thing clear. Neither of them are particularly bad people for reacting the way they do. They are products of their environments and their upbringings, and this reflects a LOT in their behaviour. This is my personal interpretation.

I think it starts off generally well. They have enough in common to talk a lot, and so much to catch up on! I’d imagine they chat for quite a while and build up raport.. and then as time goes on, they start to sort of get on each others nerves.

Dirk has a habit of over analysing and trying to get into peoples minds to further understand them. This isnt a bad thing, i think he genuinely does it out of wanting to understand and “vibe” with them better, but it may seem weird and unncessary for others. What with being isolated socially for so long, the alpha kids in general have some strange ways of saying things that seem perfectly normal to them, as well as interpretation, that strike others as off or strange, and dirk is no exception. They arent as handy with social cues.

This is important because well, while Dave is good at running his mouth, he struggles to articulate effectively when he cares. Im sure as we have seen in canon, especially with people he loves, Dirk will probably try to look too deep into it and reach a conclusion that isnt the best. Dirk needs people he cares about to communicate honestly and openly. This is something Dave will struggle to do due to his aforementioned inability to articulate when he cares the most.

Of course I cannot forget mentioning the abuse in the relationship Dave had with his bro. One that on reflection of his childhood later, led to him being incredibly uncomfortable with when he realised the way he was brought up was certainly not normal. It did not help qualm Daves nerves. Especially when Dirk said he could see himself doing that. Dave is compassionate, but he is not entirely forgiving. I feel that while Dirk thinks its best to be aware of this manner, it would just make Dave uncomfortable at the idea of repetition. One which i feel he could not voice.

Diving deeper into personal musings, considering some of the evidence that Dirk coveted Dave for a long time, Given how much we see him covet Dave it has a very high chance of flipping the other way as a natural prince of heart destroying and picking at himself. Dirk has a desire to be useful, a desire to succeed, and his accomplishments fail in the face of daves in both timelines.

Dirk has two people we are established he holds especially dear to him, and that is Dave and Jake. However with that level of attachment and endearment it can become unhealthy. Dave and Jake arent the best when it comes to communication, or establishing the most stable of relationships if canon is to go off of. Without proper care and communication this turns out bad.

I personally feel like as time would go along, the silence between them would grow longer due to the lack of communication of issues between them. Dave would rather skirt them, Dirk would rather bottle them until he eventually explodes. Its that or theyd have a codependent relationship for a while before cutting it all off out of a want to fix things by trying to be there for the other, but facing difficulty in their desires being too different, Dave wanting time to build up raport and slowly close that gap while Dirk just wants to get there as efficiently as possible and missing the point of the picture.

TLDR; If you put a kid through literal isolation for 16 years and give him a meager amount of social situations its going to be very difficult for them to aclimate to someone more accustomed to the ebb and flow of relationships. If you give an abuse victim a younger alternate version of their abuser theyre never going to be ok with it entirely.

Its 3 am ill prolly delete this later

HIII I JUST WANTED TO SAY I LOVED UR UNREQUITED LOVE FICS I ATE THOSE UP SO GOOD

this isnt a request btw just some food for thought but how do u think chuuya and yasuko would react if reader came back but they werent exactly. themselves yk? like they got revived but almost like a sentient doll with no memories of the past? do you think they would leave the reader alone or would they try to reconnect with the reader ? again this isnt a request im just curious because sometimes my daydreams take a sudden turn !!! :D

HIII ANON AJSSHHSH AND I LOVE YOU FOR MAKING MY DAY BETTER 🥺🥺💞

And oooh... actually, I have already been thinking about making a bonus part similiar to your idea :) I just haven't had the time and creativeness to write it recently since school is keeping me very busy😭

BUT in response to your question, I think Chuuya might initially keep his distance from the reader first. Partly because he blames himself for their death because he didn't finish his mission sooner, and also partly because he doesn't want to lose them again. It hurts him a lot, but he convinces himself that it's the best decision to make to keep reader safe. However, I can see him secretly keeping a close eye on them so that if they were in danger, he could save them this time and not make the same mistake twice (Chuuya honey it wasn't your fault ajshahs 😭)

Then after bumping into him a few times, you wonder sometimes; why does this ginger-haired man seem so achingly familiar? And why did you feel this pain in your heart whenever you looked at him? Almost as if... he was a past lover you never got to be together with. But you shrug it off; there was no way you could've known such a handsome and rich man in your life, because if you did, you'd be sure to remember him for eternity ashajhhasj

Whilst Yasuko would feel immensely guilty upon seeing you. Even as you tilt your head to innocently inquire what was wrong, she can't bring herself to articulate all the shame, sorrow, and remorse that she felt ever since the day you died. I can see her accidentally forming a sort-of friendship with your revived self, but also keeping you at an arm's length because she thinks that she doesn't deserve to even call you as her friend. Half of her wants to atone for the wrongdoings she committed against you in the past, but the other half wants her to suffer with your unawareness because it's all her fault that you were gone. However, I can totally see her trying to get you and Chuuya together in this life 👀 wingwoman Yasuko for the win

Anyways, I can see both of them keeping their distance while also trying to rekindle those pleasant memories with you. But sooner or later, you'll come to question why they treated you differently from the rest of their friends. And when you confront them about it, maybe then you'll finally learn the painful truth as it all pours out of Yasuko's lips. What you do afterwards is all up to you.

WHEWW sorry for making that kinda angsty :') but hey, at least reader has a chance with Chuuya now. Just that they'll have to break down all those walls he has formed around himself, and finally win his heart that their past self never got the chance to hold. While Yasuko, Dazai, and the PM will be wingmanning the entire way.

I hope this was able to answer your question anon! :D

What's wrong with the ballet footage? Gen question, I don't know much about ballet

ok i will separate this into 2 parts, glaring fundamental flaws and pedantic nitpicky shit (which, to be fair, should only be corrected once the former are dealt with. but it looks like neither are happening any time soon so...)

Part 1: The Egregious

Zero turnout happening. Usually i'd point to the hips and talk about if the rotation is coming from the hips (good) or the knees and/or feet (bad very bad and kinda dangerous esp in gymnastics). but they arent even doing that.

The arms. The elbows should be slightly bent to create a "curved" look. The arms should be held up and in front of you with your hands around the height of your belly button, supported from your upper back muscles. The girl in the back (nola???) actually has hers pretty good (ignoring the hands, see below) but i would say she should have them a little lower and it looks like her delts are doing the work to keep her arm lifted instead of her back muscles.

Alignment. its difficult to tell from this one screenshot (i refuse to put in the effort to watch these frames 100x to get a great one im sorry) both because the legs are straightening (after what is ostensibly a plié lol) and bc of the camera angle, but you should be able to draw a straight vertical line from the ball of the foot to the hips to the shoulders. again the girl in the back looks a lot better than jade or kayla here.

More issues with turnout here that are more evident (bc theyre making an actual attempt to turn out here) they're starting to turn in passé here, i wont bother trying to articulate what the legs are supposed to look like bc miss betty okino here is doing it correctly xoxo.

i'll start with leanne. her supporting leg is actually quite nice and she's very high up on relevé, her ankle is straight/extended and right on top of the ball of her foot with her knee straight and quads engaged. however the leg she's bringing up to passé (pretty late, since shes turning, i should add) is basically totally turned in. the muscles in the hip that rotate the leg outward are doing nothing. the leg should be turned out from the hip the whole time you're bringing the foot up to the front of the knee.

now onto kayla. i circled the reflection because you can see the leg positions better, the video crops it out. she has the same issue with the hip turnout of the free leg, but her supporting leg is also turned in. look at the knee in the reflection. it's basically not turning out at all, but her supporting foot is like 45º turned out. considering that they're turning in this screenshot, thats bad news. turning out from the foot (ie rotating outward at the ankle) instead of the hip puts a lot of torque on your knee. its obviously not nearly as severe as the stress that twisting into the ground on a tumbling pass would put on it, just bc of the force being applied there, but its still not harmless.

Part 2: The Nitpicky

The hands...... how are the fingers (jade's and kayla's) the body part doing the most work here 💀 broken wrists (but like. tense and intentional, inexplicably???), palms facing the floor. hyperextended fingers. thumbs rotated away/out from the palms. the wrist should be straight but not rigid, it should complete the "curve" mentioned above when i talked about the elbows. the thumbs should be in, but again not taut, just relaxed by the rest of your fingers. its hard to explain verbally how the fingers should be, but they shouldnt be taut and/or stuck together either (aka pancake hands or karate chop hands lol). the girl in the back, her hand would be decent if she put her thumb in and rotated her wrist 90º counter-clockwise

Forward head carriage. That's my only gripe about Girl In The Back's posture, and even that isnt really Bad, otherwise it's great. Kayla's would be fine too but her shoulders themselves are a little too forward. Jade's is.... not great, it looks like she carries a lot of tension in her neck. i typed this whole post hunched over in my bed tho so.... do as i say not as i do ;)

i didnt bother editing the picture to circle it lol but kayla's foot is sickled in the pic with okino

also the first pic is hard to look at alignment/posture bc none of them are on the same count kfjdkjfkdjfk so musicality is a big fat L there

love how the entire slimecicle bg3 gang is like really smart they're also all just. actually im exploring this

xiv is very smart. not only are they an arcane battery, their father likely gave them plenty of books to read about spell-casting. so they're a big thinker. but what stops them from reaching their true potential is the fact that they likely don't allow themselves to properly process their more negative emotions, like rai's death and whatnot. and they're... literally going through this entire adventure after escaping an incredibly toxic and neglectful environment. they're probably trying to push back how their father was a piece of shit as well and its not working because their dream visitor IS their father!! so they know their way around a book but don't know how to deal with their father screaming from the other room :-3

tal i think is very aware of others feelings, and partially emotionally intelligent for himself. he tries to talk rai down before he's forced to kill him, being kind to him in rai's final moments of lucidity. he understand's something wrong with xiv, that there's something they aren't telling the rest of the group, but he doesn't wanna pry. in terms of more "intellectual intelligence" i think he is smart but just... doesn't know how to articulate it. he can do it, but unlike xiv he literally cannot explain it to you. it's like how he mispronounced monotonous; he knows of it, he just forgot the pronunciation. basically him and xiv are kind of inverses of each other; xiv is smart and can explain it, but can't deal with their emotions. tal can recongize his and others emotions, and while being a bit smart he can't explain it like xiv can and forgets the information sometime. another thing i think they have in common is accidentally lashing out in anger. tal doesn't know why (not a violent dog; doesn't know why he bites) and xiv knows but wishes they didnt (violent dog; wishes they didn't know why they bite.)

klip. i'm gonna be honest i think he's the most normal in the group and that is genuinely saying something. he's about average in terms of emotional and intelectual intelligence, but. the way he reacts to rai being weird is touching the book thats glowing ominously, but at the same time checking to see if he's okay. it's like he's barely passed the skillcheck, and thus while it's good, there are aspects of it he's missing. its not the fact that he can't read the room, its the fact that he can read parts of it. the rest of it he realizes depending on the person's reaction. im 50/50 on whether or not he harbors a bit of guilt from not actually defeating that goblin camp but this again. is klip we're talking about. surprisingly the most well adjusted of the group despite the squidfucking.

now rai... i think rai. thinks he's well adjusted but oh. isn't. i think its the book that makes him realize he craves a family more than anything. but its really too late to change anything is it. and just god... rai's death was so fucked man. he didn't even get to learn anything about his parents, we didnt get to learn anything about his parents, before he died. its so... goddd its fucked. anyway yeah. rai thinks he is. the book reminds him so coldly and cruelly that he isnt <333

all of that to say. just because they're dumbasses does not mean they're stupid. also @flammablefaerie the bread is here

so....abt that adventure time daemon au....sits down with folded hands. im SO SO curious as to what your thoughts are and lowkey wondering if theyre anything like what ive been cooking up in my twisted mind...slash joke...YOU GO FIRST I WANNA KNOW!!

jkdfgdjfkg yeah im gonna focus on the fionna + cake aspects since thats what i posted but if you wanna know about someone else send a followup!! i have the strongest ideas for marceline and more scattered thoughts on everyone else but!! i turn this around in my head a lot lol.

under the cut bc i am incapable of being short

so. the reason fionna world is Like It Is despite nominally being a human au is bc i decided that in ooo, humans are the only people with daemons! everyone else has Something Else, but that something else isnt actually a daemon (this bit is still fuzzy lol since it would just be more bg in anything i write).

so that means the only characters in adventure time who have/had a daemon are finn (tossing around the name honey for her?? shes unsettled but mostly dogs bc they grew up with dogs lol), marceline (she lost her daemon upon becoming a vampire, gets her back at the end of stakes. do not ask me what she is settled as idk as of now lol), and simon (lost her upon becoming ice king, he does Not get her back. i think its fun if she is a penguin bc that makes ice king surrounding himself w penguins super tragic. he knows something is gone but cannot articulate what.)

also i guess people like susan strong and the humans on the human island but shhhh i dont have super strong ideas for them lol.

ALL THAT TO SAY. since fionnaworld was created by prismo (gonna be real idk what his deal is but he is obviously His Own Thing and as a deity type deal he probably is granted w 'can see dust' powers and thus has no idea what daemons are all about) and lives in ice kings/later simons head (one who doesnt know about daemons and one who is mourning the permanent loss of his own) when fionna and cake were "created" finn jake and finn's daemon were mashed into two characters, who are! human and daemon.

everyone else either never had a daemon in normal ooo (ex. pb) or didnt have them at the time fionnaworld was created and thus they werent carried over (ex. marceline.) of everyone tho probably marshall WOULD know the most, this is why he has a line in my fic where he's like, do you know what i'd do for a weird cat? as a sort of hint that he SHOULD have a daemon, but. alas.

uhhh. where am i going with this.

OH RIGHT so yeah basically when fionnaworld became de-magicked it took with it a lot of people's points of connection--everyone ends up way more isolated than they were. since simon is mourning his own daemon that translates to daemons just Not Existing, and so fionna and cake are very much isolated from each other. they dont have the words for their relationship. all fionna knows is she needs cake with her, and vice versa.

cake IS still a daemon, but without that framework shes stuck in the 'normal cat' role even though she does a lot of noncatlike things, n her and fionna are very very good still at sorta knowing what the other is thinking and reacting accordingly. the people closest to fionna (so, really just marshall and gary lol) have SOME idea of what is up but if asked its more leftover instinct than like, the ability to actually explain any of this. fionna and cake try to interact w the world as a human-daemon pair but that doesnt work when the world has no fucking idea what that is.

uh. that. probably answers some question!! i think the plot of fionna and cake itself is MOSTLY the same...really fionna and cake just find out there is a word for who they are to each other n get that relationship reestablished which isnt a far cry from canon. i really like the stuff they do with betty/simon so i wouldnt want to change that, though i imagine there is a bit of simon mourning his lost daemon too--idk i feel like you could tie those feelings in if you were to write a full adaptation but i!! dont think enough changes to do that so i wont be lol.

i mostly just wanted to do episode one bc again. daemon in a world that doesnt know wtf a daemon is. truly the funniest and most tragic thing in the world.

you're genuinely a great writer, and you've improved a lot since i've been following you. you're really very talented! you get low engagement because you write for a rarepair, in an already not-so-big fanbase. the whole thing with fanfiction is that people read about what they know, stories that expand the media that they already like. if you want to write about something you're passionate about: continue going the way you are. you're improving, and learning, and getting experience. if you want engagement, write for a popular fandom. you have to choose your path. i understand it's frustrating, but not even the most skilled, perfectly articulate and endlessly evocative writer can get engagement in a tiny fandom. 's just how this works, man. it sucks.

like see. i totally understand this. trust me this isnt my first rodeo with stuff like this, unfortunately

the thing thats mostly frustrating to me is that the interactions have stopped almost entirely. that they used to be there once. yeah most notes in any of my posts are still my own reblogs, but there used to be actual interactions there. there were tags in reblogs. there were reblogs and likes. now theres barely anything when i do share something

like yes i get it, this is a very small rarepair in a niche fandom, and im not expecting a lot. im expecting the bare minimum above nothing. and for the most part there isnt anything there anymore. i know theres a lot of reasons for this, and im not blaming anyone or whatever, i dont want it to sound like that - i just want to be seen and i dont think that should be too much to ask even in the case of a small rarepair in a niche fandom

that being said, yeah no im not changing anything im doing. this is where my passion and my heart is and this is what i enjoy doing and what makes me happy. i never wanted to be "popular"; again, i just wanted to be seen. and seeing the curve of interactions going down from the previously already small numbers just makes me sad. ive thankfully gotten into the mindset of wanting to really only write for myself and one other person who i know genuinely likes my work, and thats good enough for me. which i guess is contradictory to what ive been saying, but i think despite that im allowed to be a little sad about this whole thing. i think every artist just wants to be seen and heard at times, no matter what

anyways, i appreciate you nonnie. im just sad cause the amount of energy it takes to put something out there and then not getting anything back, when im already hanging by a thread at almost all times so its very taxing. so like. i dont know

you know that when you're making posts you meant to be about non-cdd being stupid or invalid or whatever, that you do have the capacity to be ableist towards people with cdds, right? you know that? i think some of you don't

as a disabled person i am discriminated against because i can't openly plural. before you gasp shock horror! the reason i'm discriminated against for isnt because im plural, it is because im disabled. my plurality is symptoms of my disorder, and i cannot mask them. we have an overt presentation. if we are able to mask at all, it comes at the cost of our functioning.

recently our system destabilised due to a major trauma. we now have 3ish hosts, me being one of them, and i talk nothing like the rest of the system. i sound like im doing some sort of impression of fluttershy. the other two also don't talk like each other. tim talks really formally, and ashton talks like an aussie with an american accent.

this makes accessing the world really, really difficult. with tim and ashton its mostly find, most people dont notice, but with me its not. i cant stay grounded in the front unless i talk how i talk. but if i talk how i talk, people can tell that somethings wrong with us. either they think we're crazy, or we tell them and they know we're crazy

we also just have really different skills and abilities that make existing really hard when we can't explain to others why we are like this. tim is really articulate but cant express his tone very well. i dont think ashton can explain anything without swearing at least twice. and i can't word very well or express my tone much at all.

like. we're getting a job now. it's happening! we have no idea whos gonna do it because im the most consistent at grounding but i dont know what im doing ever. tim maybe, but he doesnt really do stuff good like school even though hes really smart. ashton maybe but he curses a lot and really struggles with filtering himself the way he'll need to.

the fact that we cant just openly state, 'hey, we have did, and that's why we're like this' without people thinking we're crazy! but because we can't, people are gonna think we're crazy because we act crazy and can't explain why.

this is really rambly and i didnt really say my point too good. but. i think you guys forget that systems can be overt, and say a lot of ableist stuff in your ploy against non-cdd plurals and their ableist existences. which. we have problems with that. i think if youre reading this you know about that and stuff. and if you dont i could maybe find tim explaining it.

but like. just. if youre gonna claim to be fighting against ableism, maybe dont be ableist in the process too.

man i hope this isnt weird and i know its a little weird but ive followed you for a while and feel a deep kindred spirit with you. i know its only parasocial and we arent mutuals so its all good but like some of the things you post resonate with me so deeply and you articulate things abt yourself that i also feel abt my self but you articulate them better than i ever could. also we have very similar hair but i usually weird mine buzzed but when it grows out it looks a lot like yours and you rock it in ways i never feel confident enough to do. idk i just saw your post abt being a bad person but not in the ways ppl think you are and thats like something i think to myself all the time like i wish ppl who think im good knew i was bad and ppl who think im bad knew how wrong they were abt the ways im bad. and things youve posted abt being a stupid person and having ppl be like "youre not" resonate too bcuz its like im painfully PAINfully aware of my own stupidity and bumbling thru like but my loved ones dont want me to think that way or acknowledge it but i think there is something truly liberating in knowing i am inherently dumb in a lot of ways and to a lot of things and i have to work harder to live a good life bcuz of it. idk. im doing a bad job of explaining myself here. but anyways. i just wanna say thanks for putting your thoughts on this website for me to follow and keep doing you, bcuz youre doing it great.

Well I hope it's not weird for me to post this, I suppose it is anonymous after all; it feels kind of private to me but also I am also having a freakishly difficult couple of weeks and it was meaningful to hear someone say "I know what you're talking about." (I think you are speaking very clearly btw) I feel like a lot of the rhetoric society uses to address people who have depression is devised by people who don't suffer from it, like there's a lot of language about how "you're not alone" and a lot of idealizing talk about how great the self-denigrating sufferer appears to others, and that's nice and all but it kind of dismisses the individual's own personal experience of themselves. A person is more complex than their need for extra hugs or attention or something, and a person's perception of themselves/experience of having to be with themselves is not contingent on the perceptions of others even if the external impressions are positive. I don't know, I hate to shit on supportive behaviors but a lot of them are basically dismissive of a person's status as the de facto expert on themselves; I don't really think it's ultimately helpful to make people feel like they don't know what they're talking about, about their own selves. It can be maddening actually, and idealizing talk in particular has a way of suggesting that things have to be great for them to be at all acceptable. Which is really oppressive to tell the truth.

Interlude: In grade school my best friend's class had to do this exercise where they made acronyms of of their first names using various personal qualities, and the teachers gave her shit because for the letter A she used Adequate, and they thought this was, like...bad and had to be corrected.

Anyway I have always written very obsessively and I think it's related to wanting to be understood. Which is not the same thing as wanting to be appreciated, or wanting to feel not-alone. I think I just want someone to say they know what I'm talking about, instead of telling flattering lies or suggesting that something is wrong to say or dismissable just because it seems negative or painful. As if discomfort is automatically invalidating. Someone asked me recently if I journal and I laughed because I've done it all my life, and also because I actually have a SACK of journals under my bed, one regular one, one for dreams, one that's about my dysfunctional relationship with money and materials, etc. And then there's my various blogs of course. I have a couple of semi-pro writing projects going too that I hope I get to announce soon. But it's really all about just the fantasy of articulating something so carefully, preferably in ink (or "ink"), that no one can possibly pretend that they don't know what I'm talking about ever again.

It's funny that we wear our hair the same. I used to wear it half-shaved but my hair grows so fast, it gave me a lot of anxiety. But on that note I must say that whatever pictures of me you see are like 1/1000, I find it very hard to take a picture I'm satisfied with and I often just wind up feeling embarrassed, but ultimately I think I'm just trying to fix some positive mental image of myself even though I know we're all different people at different hours of each day. I dunno. Actually it becomes problematic because a couple of people are always telling me how "photogenic" I am and then I'm like WHY DID IT TAKE ME THREE HOURS TO GET THIS ONE SHOT THEN, and they refuse to believe me when I explain how many pictures I throw out. They think they're doing me a big favor by pretending everything is effortless for me. I have especial problems with my hair, probably every picture you see of me was anxiously snapped at some exact moment when it was behaving! So don't worry, I'm having a really hard time with my appearance basically always. Pictures other people take of me are mortifying, and I'm always like FUCK, that's what they think is a good, representative photo of me? Uh oh. Pictures I take of myself are usually taken in an emergency in fleeting, ephemeral moments where I suddenly look ok to myself.

This morning I went to the church where I've been going since February, a beautiful place full of eccentric older people I have fallen a little in love with. Sometimes I'm tempted to actually convert to Catholicism, like maybe that would be the gothest thing I could do, but I know that I will always believe in abortion and the right to suicide and I'm not too sure about hell or the historical Jesus or papal authority. I just really like it in this specific church. This morning one of the oldest ladies who goes on the weekdays like me introduced herself, she was very sweet and she was wearing hoops that were styled like chains, I don't think she realized they were bad bitch earrings, they just looked nice on her. She said it was nice to see "young people" getting involved with the church, and I wanted to tell her I turned 42 last week, but I might still be the youngest person there! When I met some of the other folks last month they told my husband that he looked like Geraldo Rivera, and then remarked that they thought we were too young to be aware of Geraldo. I told them we're old enough, we're just packed in our own oil. Anyway this is my big excuse to post selfies I was struggling with, I feel more conflicted about them these days, but I guess I'm still compelled. Thanks so much for your understanding, and have a good night!

far from it to be my style to post about hashtag mental health issues on main but like. look. ive& been psychotic as far back as i can tangibly remember (hallucinating at 10-11, cognitive symptoms and episodes by 13-14). its been a part of my life so long that like... in a lot of ways im used to it and coping with symptoms and my life grew around a lot of the symptoms. like a tree trunk growing around a foreign object as a sapling. something that pierces directly through the middle but doesnt really impact the trees ability to stay alive in any meaningful way.

so like in a lot of ways im used to being in my own head. my partner is good at recognizing that things that are distressing to me in episodes dont process whatsoever as distressing to me a good chunk of the time. when im acting visibly distressed it actually means my level of distress is at like, 200%. its fucking unmanageable. if im visibly distressed its worse than anyone could conceptualize because typically otherwise im just numb to a lot of it or its just default my reality that its not distressing in any meaningful way until after the fact.

but like im ngl just because ive spent all of my teenage years upwards trying to take up literally the least space possible to exist and never show 80% of my "unacceptable" symptoms to 99% of people does not mean it makes it any less uncomfortable or awkward to like. be the token psychotic in some groups. to have to be the buzzkill and shit thats like hey sorry heres my hyperspecific request of the year because im fucking insane.

its miserable in a fresh new way of like sorry to have to remind everyone that its not actually a funny character quirk or joke my brain literally does not exist in your 'reality' in any meaningful way and the further outside of it i am on a given day the more unpleasant youre going to find me to be around. ignoring the insane person talking aimlessly in public doesnt actually help me it usually just reinforces that youre not real and never will be if its a bad enough day.

its never intentional. like nobody is ever doing this on purpose. especially again because i spent so much of my life being very good at hiding it. but like... it sucks so much to be masking half the time and be a little too good at it so when you stop being able to people are always levels of uncomfortable or upset. it sucks when you cant articulate anything properly and nobody really knows how to understand what youre asking for. it sucks when you have multiple severe memory conditions and cant trust your own memory and everyone immediately questions your memory when you ask for anything or point anything out. like of course im just going to fucking fold.

i dont know where im going with this or if this itself is even that coherent i know it sounds super vague but it really isnt about anyone specific im just babbling about like years worth of garbage. i got so fucked over by fakeclaiming culture because unfortunately when i started really displaying symptoms i was a teenager trying not to kill himself and being fucking insane loudly in virtual public when that was apparently an "obvious sign of exaggerating" so i had to learn to shut the fuck up and now everybody loves to forget how much im fucking unwell because god forbid you think too hard about what youre saying around others.

thank god for my partner who is literally the first person in my entire life whos ever tried to understand and genuinely knows how to talk to me when im in a particularly bad delusion or hallucinating or whatever.

man. im tired. i found out this last month i probably need to get a cane when i move out and i still feel like im going to be appropriating shit because severe knee and upper leg paint and severe balance problems cant be that bad. i hate having memory problems so bad that i so easily can be told that i dont know shit and Y is actually what happened and i usually cant actually argue against it even if im so sure thats not true.

im gonna have made something in a week or two to show u

but

i wanna talk

i am inclined to talk to u quick

we have spent a lot of time in the last like little while doing what other people told us was a good idea to do bc we had never listened to anyone before and it seemed like worth at least trying to adhere to the advice of people drastically more successful than us especially as all of us individually began to experience like wild and usually financial crisises. i dont like how it feels. we r not really like, feeling how it feels. clout doesnt suit us like that. it just doesnt. its not a house that was built to accomodate it and it doesnt and im off it and niggas can suck my dick and i want to be like normal again i want to like draw stuff and post it and let the waves take shit where it gotta go. this whole rat race shit is fucking obnoxious & i dont care. iv been Strategically Not Having Fun for barely fucking 4 months and im already fed up. twitter is wild trash and i feel like angry the whole time im using it. i like the lower traffic. i like talking. we r bored to death of having fuckin conversations with othr people abt when and how to make some shit to maximize all whatever however like i give a shit. im so fuckin sick of trying to do like smash bros tournament metagame shit i dont care homie like i dont care none of us care

i dont want to be dr fuckin content, i want to make you, like, gifts

when i like found out abt city morgue or like animal kaiser tcg or bape or like 9hst3st or any of the shit i like it made my brain feel like electrical and grateful and it anchored me in wht my feelings abt stuff were, it got me like, in my mode. i have been especially careful over the years to not talk like im abt to talk bc i dont like to articulate an assumption that like anything tht gets sent to us is like purely genuine and unulterior and definitely means what it says it means but like out of 100s of people who have like said tht the things we have made at some point made them feel tht way or like have made art of the stuff weve made or like visibly and admittedly and enthusiastically co-opted our style (ur allowed) like if 20 of those ppl are telling the truth then tht is like enough of a reason for me to wanna keep just like feeding the street then

when odd future came out it wasnt just those 11 guys rly it was sort of like, a surrounding aura of like, 75 guys,there was a official roster but it wasnt rly a clearly defined In and Out of it i dont think. it really didnt look like it. u can like tell an OF nigga. nakel and the photographer guy and fuckin like half the supreme people and that one nigga w the beard and all whoever like thats odd future shit. vince staples is odd future shit. it wasnt a like single beneficiary of the flow. it was like given to the people around them pretty freely. ICP kind of did a version of this although it was a lot less organic maybe. i dont know. i am losing my thread here a little

i want to make u something u can use is all

tht is how all of us feel

we r more comfortable trying to make something of use to u than we are trying to like speedrun building some kind of dumbass particle board instagram empire

i wanna hold thanksgiving for u more than i want to like herd u and i have been getting told for yrs tht isnt like a real thing & it turns out i like dont care if it is and its just like what is gonna happen

big dog gon bark yfm

watch thsz space

hey that ask game? 3. or 8. 22 i think. fr either metalocalypse or strek. sar tek.

answering this as midnight lets go boner squad

also doign this for my tootsit baby girl SAR TEK becuasr i think if i did this for mtl my brain would melt out my ear

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

not necessarily a single take bt i despise any jokes about scotty being in love with the enterprise . UNLESS. you are 100% serious in that case objecto win and love and peace kn planet earth for one thousand one million years. if NOT. and youre just doing it to be funny like LOL scotty doesnt rly have anyone to ship him with (OBJECTIVELY WRONG) ship him with the ship LOL or like LOL he loves the ship maybe like ACTUALLY LOL #ENGINE idfk . i wont to beat your head in until it looks like a crumpled little tin can . i think you shoufl be forced to go back to the coal mines of the facebook meme pages because youre literally the most unfunny human being on the face of the planet and you deserve to be there. crumple and cry. cease and desist.

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

im gunna say it . i dont care about spocks stupid little being in heat episode. i dont care if being in gay with his captain fixed him. i get it or whatever oooooohhhh it was so gay look how gay this episode was . i dont car. city on the edge of forever means 20000x more to me.

this isnt even like an opinion. i dont even know what the opinion is here. ig that it was good . i think it was overblown.

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

ok sponer nation. hello.

i am NOT going to be able to articulate this correctly but like the fact that bones isnt afraid to apologize to spock and that the two of them obviously have boundaries set + know when crossing the line is crossing the line ect . like i feel like its so easy to just say 'bones n spock torment/heckle/whatever eachother' and to just have bones be some sarcastic dick all the time but hes not!!!!! him and spocks relationship goes so much deeper than just auogh they jsut poke fun at eachother . THERES COMPLEXITIES. THERES MIRRORS. bones is such more character than just sanded down to doctor guy who argues with spock and third wheels spock and jims relationship. you all are so wrong and bones literally has helped spock come to terms w his human side JUST AS MUCH IF NOT MORE ‼️‼️ as kirk has.

submission i got

“I mean if you mean the Joker for “did you want him to SHOOT the mentally ill?” then yes I guess I do? This is a false dichotomy let’s be honest.”

not what i meant. the og post said something about bruce punching mentally ill people and that he was a pussy for not killing like Jason-ergo did you want him to shoot the mentally ill? 

“Like I could say hey its good that the Allies killed Nazis in WWII, and at the same time say many Allied soldiers did awful things to civilians especially in Japan and that’s bad. Do you think I would want Allied soldiers to kill everyone?”

i feel reallly uncomfortable talking about real world issues in relation to fun time comic fictional lets have fun stuff. discussing the issues of how we should handle “justice” is fun but not some much when in relation to the real hardships experienced by actual real people. 

“Maybe what people are really trying to say is Batman is an imperfect person who needs to adjust his methods based on who he is facing. He far too often uses extreme excessive violence when it isn’t needed. At the same time there are stories where he rejects any kind of violence even when used as self defense by people who do need it to protect themselves. As was the case in the Batman story with the woman who used violence to kill a serial rapist murder  that was abducting her. “

theres also plenty of stories where he equates rapist to inhuman monsters and does nothing about the people (like the birds of prey) who do murder them

i think batman’s biggest error is his inconsistent writing and bad faith interpretations rather than his methods. 

“You and I both know its a bad faith argument to say people want Bruce to murder mentally ill individuals. Maybe you could try to actually meet people with compassion and understanding and try to talk to people about their issues with comics. You may find a compromise. For example I think a lot of people would not care about the whole killing not killing thing if DC let the heroes actually rehabilitate villains and have it stick or provided better safety for civilians so that it was more elaborate thefts and less mass murder when it came to Batman stories.” 

okay again this whole argument is about fun silly comic drawing about characters soooo 

anyways yea I agree- we’ve seen a lot of success with harley quinn in relation to this. I think dc should start writing actual interesting stories about bruce that doesn’t paint him as absolutely terrible person/father. cause its a disservice to his character and the legacy of that character. 

if i was writting for dc theres a couple of things i would do! the joker needs to be fixed- his character is all over the place and im tired of it being written off as him being a twitsed cycle path-its boring. We the audience shouldn’t want the joker to die, and we should feel the same weight and guilt bruce does when faced with jason’s anger. i think making harley quinn an anti-hero is a step in the right direction ESPECIALLY if she was a villian villian (just as bad/worse than the joker himself) before. if we see a person finally take the chance that the batman gives them. Rehabilitation over death-theres always a chance. if one bad day can turn you into a villian one good one turn you into a hero. etc etc etc

on a more philosophical note- this whole discussion is really about what justice IS. and what it ISNT.

contrapoints (i know she has had controversies but not to due with this particular topic and i find she does a good job articulating her point but pls keep any biases she might or might not have when watching) has a video about justice that i would really recommend. 

ANYWAYS WHAT PART ABPUT NOT STARTING DISCOURSE DID YOU NOT GET ANONNNN HUHHHHHH

Good morning, Zak! Fairytales are usually read at night before bed but oh well sometimes you gotta break tradition.

So first off, you really nailed that fairytale feel of the first few paragraohs and I adore it so much!! It's not just adding "once upon a time", the enture beginning feels like I could find it written a book of old fairytales somewhere.

Second of all hehe repetition my beloved I'm eating well today. I already mentioned "once upon a time", but the repetition of them looking for each other is great too. Great job retelling the plot of Looming Nightmare so well!!!

Ria's tail squeezing Luke's leg like how she'd squeeze his hand aaaaa so much has changed but some things will always stay the same this is why I love childhood friends so much.

Aha whaat no way is there a story where the only ending is suffering haha :')

Love how in canon Tears of Themis Luke the new stuff Luke and mc have to get the hang of is suddenly feeling flustered at things they used to do all the time when they were kids and here it's girlfriend dragon now cgjcgkc

Luke is so right they're cowards draconic traits are one of the absolute best things characters can ever have it makes them look so pretty!!

Luke the most supportive boyfriend in the world he's just so supportive of all Ria's new draconic traits and instincts i love them both so much.

Thank you so much for writing this and also _seventastic for creating that gorgeous fanart!!! Characters with traits of mythical creatures are my biggest weakness in the world so dragon mc is just so, so good and I adore this au so much. Why'd Looming Nightmare have to end like that, why couldn't it at least be bittersweet :( but yes this fluff was exactly what I needed, it was so cute and I adored it so much. As always, I look forward to the next chapter of this when it comes out!

🌌

waaAAAHH HI HI MILKYWAYYY :DDDD thank u for reading the first chapter of "yes, she’s my lover, yes, she’s a half-dragon. any more questions?" hehe!!

fairytales can b read at any time, time isnt real, just magic and also im getting to this ask finally at 5pm in my time HAHA

im so glad u enjoyed the first bit of the chapter!! that was deffo the feeling i tried to evoke, just with much less archaic sayings/sentence structures. it was also kinda based on a minific i wrote here of the exact same card, but when it had just dropped on the cn server and we didnt know the story yet, just saw the images. im just a sucker for the fairytale vibe

and also im a sucker for repetition HSDVFJKHSDF on some level i was like "hm, ok, i think theres way too much repetition than is strictly speaking Necessary in this chapter" but then i was also like "but it makes me happy. so it stays."

and YEEEAA i rlly wanted to parallel their experiences cuz when i read looming nightmare, i was also looking for that like...clearer didactic framing of what they both went thru cuz it was all there! but since mc's story in the card only gets mentioned towards the end, it didnt get much time to shine.

(sidenote: this fic is actually gonna be me writing a bunch of what i wish we got to hear from mc in that story. as much as i love luke (i do, you all know i do So Much) among the many qualms i had with the card is that mc is a focal point in the plot but also so incredibly absent. we dont even hear (or rather, read) her speak.

well, shes gonna be speaking a lot in this fic as the chapters go on HVAJKHSFVAKJ)

you and i and every other person who got their heart crushed by what actually happened in looming nightmare: huh? sorry? wdym?? THAT DIDNT HAPPEN

and YESS HEHE the whole "gimmick" (i cant think of a better word to articulate this concept with?) of this fic was also inspired by the current event!! luke and mc adjusting to new things!!! theyre so cute and they love each other so much but thers gonna be a lot of awkward moments and learning curves and support along the way. also magic. cuz magic is so goddamn fun to write JHVDKJFHS

lastly, i adore dragons. so much. theres this fic, my dragon!marius fic, and also in three different fandoms ive been in in the past, i wrote 1 fic each where i turned a character into a dragon-hybrid of some sort.

this fic makes Five Fics Zak Has Written Where He Turns A Character Into A Dragon-Hybrid Of Sorts thus far

i just really dragons. im gonna keep writing this trope over and over in different iterations and nobody can stop me, HAHA

thank u so much for the lovely comment, milkyway!!! <3 looming nightmare was inhumane ajhsfvajshfva but i hope that this fic and the rest of its chapters can help as a fanon aloe vera salve for the brutal sunburn of angst that card gave us all