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cyeayt · 9 months

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being autistic in the mormon church

being autistic in the mormon church was, for me at least, a weird experience. because i wasn't excluded or mocked very often, just smothered in that strange warm beige obligation. because they could tell, they knew i was different just like i did. so they held my hand, told the other children to be nice to me, to make sure i felt included. and my peers did, cause they didn't have a choice, raised to be polite and kind no matter what just like i was. so i was included and invited places, always as an afterthought or a checked box but invited nonetheless, injected into conversations and games by adults that my peers wouldn't dare contradict. 'well meaning' adults who ask me if im okay or if i want to join the group, talking down in the sweetest tones. every christmas and on every birthday they still track me down to give me a card about how much they miss my 'unique perspective', even though i always tried my hardest to fit in and say the normal things.

"Look at that one. it's different and broken, but you must be kind to it. help it stay in the light of god, because god is the only way to save it. we're good, and righteous, and its so lucky to be in the church because we're the only ones who'll ever tolerate it, because that's what god wants."

and i miss it sometimes. standing on the edge of people who i desperately want to be friends with, flitting around in the back of stores and staring at concert posters indecisively until the date has passed. never finding the right spot in a conversation to talk, never working up the courage to ask if i can come too, i miss the people who had to be nice. who had me on a little list in their mind of what they need to get to heaven.

but im never going back. because even i could feel that it was fake. i felt watched and judged and pitied at all times, by peers who would ask me if i was coming then talk amongst themselves about jokes i didnt get and shared friends i didnt know. and i may be lonely now, but id rather do the work and be awkward and sick with nerves and find people and spaces that i actually want to be in who actually want me to be there, even if it seems impossible now. id rather that than go back to that warm suffocating place, familiar like the worst kind of family.

also telling that all the adults im talking about are either women/afab people or members of the bishopric, people whose 'job' it is to be welcoming and nurturing, though these experiences are mostly from young womens so that would also be it, but even women who arent involved in the yw leadership are raised and taught and obligated to do this and i dont blame any of them but its always made me wildly uncomfortable. never as much as random men who would sit down next to me and just start talking like we knew each other tho so eh

#exmormonism #exmo #autism #actually autistic #neurodivergent #no hate pls its all highly personal to me if you find it inaccurate make your own post #this isnt good or articulate but do you get what im saying?#in other words every mormon adult talks to me like im two and wants to make sure i know where my parents are #i know this isnt just me cause ive seen the same shit with some other queer and autistic people in my ward #but sry if this doesnt fit your experience ive mostly been part of nauseatingly liberal wards in blue cities #i used to come home from activity days every week screaming and sobbing cause i started to be able to feel how different and disconnected #i was from the other kids #everyone misses me everyone wants to know what im reading everyone wants me to know that the church loves me and so wont i stay #wont i let them love me like a sick bird in a cage #and now people are nice in way that tells me im free to come back #questioning isnt a sin as long as you find the answers in god #youll be forgiven all of this if you just come back #ugh i dont even know #salt lake city #but im singing it like the 979 theme #utah #trans #nonbinary #this isnt even about that its just another internal feeling that makes me feel different #religion #religious trauma

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queenmylovely · 4 years

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OKAY OMG THE CUTEST THING JUST HAPPEND IM SCREAMING AND I FEEL LIKE YOU COULD TURN IT INTO A BLURB OR SOMETHING BUT my best friend is staying the night (he’s a singer) and we’re watching tangled and he fell asleep just as Rapunzel and Eugene escape the water, and when she started singing the “flower gleam and glow” he started sINGING IN HIS SLEEP ALONG WITH IT AND HE SOUNDED SO CUTE PLS HELP ME IM SOBBING HES SO ADORABLE IM- 😭😭😭 I think I’m in LoVe my life is a fanfic what is happeniNG

I hope you’re cool with this being Joe because it just seems like such a joe thing to do and we know hes a good singer i.e. the last video i rbd. Anyway, that does sound cute and maybe shoot your shot cause i’m jealous, hope you like this! (no warnings, 979 words)

Masterlist, BLM Resources, and Register to Vote (U.S.) links in my bio!

☆☆☆

If there was one person in the world that you could always count on to watch a disney movie with you, it was your best friend, Joe. He knew the lyrics to the songs as well as you did and was more than happy to be the harmony to your melody.

The two of you were going to be meeting your group of friends for brunch tomorrow, and since the restaurant you were meeting at was an hour away from Joe’s but only fifteen minutes from yours, he had invited himself over the night before. You were completely fine with it and decided that it would be another disney movie marathon, telling him to bring whatever he wanted but also popcorn and a bottle of alcohol you would both like as a repayment for letting him stay over.

He arrived around five o’clock with an overnight bag, a reusable grocery bag, and a bright smile.

“How’s it going?” Joe greeted you cheerfully and you rolled your eyes but smiled, letting him set down his stuff before you brought him in for a quick hug and kiss on the cheek.

“Good,” you replied, picking up the grocery bag and walking into your kitchen. “Now what did you bring?”

Setting the bag down on the counter, you pulled out a jar of popcorn kernels and frowned.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make it, you don’t have to,” he reassured you quickly.

“Okay, ‘cause I don’t think I’ve ever not burnt this kind,” you admitted and Joe laughed. Then you reached in the bag and pulled out a six pack of coke in glass bottles and a bottle of captain morgan. You grinned, “Now we’re talking. Really went all out with the Mexican coke, huh?”

“Only the best for you,” Joe said, his eyes containing something that, when added to his words, made you flustered.

“So should we get this show on the road?” you asked, changing the subject.

Three drinks each and two movies plus dinner and popcorn later, it was around 9:00pm and two of you were choosing the last movie of the night.

“What about The Sound of Music?” Joe asked, scrolling through disney plus’ collection of musicals. “I haven’t seen that in forever.”

“We don’t have that kind of time. I have to be able to actually wake up for brunch tomorrow,” you reasoned and Joe hummed in agreement.

“Oh! What about Tangled?” he said excitedly and you smiled to yourself at how cute it was.

“Perfect,” you nodded and he clicked on it, the two of you humming along to disney’s opening theme.

Joe whistled in time with steamboat willie and you nudged him to stop, a slight pout on your face.

He did, but only to scoff and say, “Don’t pout just because you can’t whistle and I can.”

Your pout only grew to spite him and he had to collect himself so he wouldn’t just gush how cute you were.

The two of you watched the movie, sitting on the couch next to each other with your legs up on your coffee table. Your thighs were pressed against each other and you mainly ignored it other than the warm feeling it gave you inside. At the beginning, the two of you shared laughs and sang together, but before long, Joe got quieter and quieter as he got sleepy. And you got quieter too, not wanting to bother him when you realized that his eyes were closed and his breathing was slower. So you turned down the volume, watching on your own and maybe scooting just a touch closer to him.

The scene where Rapunzel and Flynn are chased into a cave as the dam broke had you holding your breath even though you knew they would be okay. You sat up a little straighter, not quite on the edge of your seat but close as you watched the screen.

As Rapunzel slowly realized that her magical hair could save them, you felt Joe shift beside you and you let out a breath at how anxious you had gotten from the movie. You sat back, happy to keep watching.

Rapunzel wrapped Flynn-- Eugene’s hand with her hair and then slowly started singing. She sang the first verse and you felt Joe shift again, but when she got to the second verse, you thought you heard him say something.

“Hm?” you turned to him, but his eyes were still closed. Then as the song continued, you realized he was singing along in his sleep. It was mumbly and not totally clear, but even in his sleep he could stay on pitch and your heart swelled as a grin overtook your face. The song finished and the movie went on, but your gaze was still on Joe.

“Gosh, you’re just adorable,” you said, almost in frustration.

“You think so?” Joe mumbled, and your stomach dropped out, eyes going wide.

Guess now is as good a time as any, you thought, taking a steadying breath. “I know so.”

Joe’s eyes blinked open slowly, a sleepy smile coming to his face, “So are you.”

You smiled back as he sat up a little, wrapping his arm around your shoulder and pulling you into his side. Looking up at him, you were trying to figure out if he got the message you intended, if he meant the same thing as you did calling him adorable.

He just looked back at you then tilted his head down, kissing your forehead, your nose, your cheeks, your chin, and finally, finally, your lips and you sighed happily, leaning further into him.

The rest of the movie was intermittently interrupted when one of you kissed the other again, but that was well worth it. And once it was over, the two of you crashed in your bed together, easily finding sleep in each other’s arms.

★★★

#am I watching tangled currently? yes #if you're around and you want to I'd love to hear your reaction anon!#bohemian rhapsody #borhap #joe mazzello x reader #joe mazzello #blurb #fluff #bohemian rhapsody x reader #borhap x reader #tangled anon

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