#i dont know what to do with myself that was such a WHIRLWIND | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lollytea · 2 months

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Up until a month back I liked a guy. And I really liked him. But I found out he didn't like me back. I was really upset, but I didn't want to hold it against him, but then I found out he had a reputation of being a player (which, at our age of 14 is flirtatiously texting girls and then just. Ghosting them).

And I felt really upset. I began to question if he even saw me as a friend, and whether the way he texted me was even friendly. What if he secretly loathed me and was just doing this to get a kick out of it? What if he knew about my feelings and they were just a joke to him?

I wanted to cry, but I told my friends and my sister I was okay. But I wanted to scream. Its not my fault I was born ugly. It's not my fault my face makes me unlovable. And even though I wanted to distance myself from him I felt some sort of perverse pleasure every time he did something embarrassing in front of every one.) And that's when I think it hit me.

That's why I'm unlovable. I am unlovable because I'm a terrible person. My friends tried to comfort me saying that he's a shitty person who can't see my beauty/cuteness, but friends are obligated to say that. I wanted to believe them because they're all so beautiful, and they would never lie to me because they love me. But they deserve a better friend than me.

I want to cry because I want to experience having a whirlwind romance, and falling in love. I also know I'll probably never have that.

And AGH I feel so upset. Because all my life I've known I was ugly. But when this guy showed me attention, was nice to me, it made me feel special. Made me feel like I was having my own romance.

I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate that I can't be loved, I hate my face, I hate myself for feeling these things. Last year when I suspected I began liking him, I told myself not to fall too deep, and here I am, ranting to you on tumblr dot com.

Lollytea, I love your writing and I love your posts. I love how confident you are of yourself. I'm very sorry for ranting in your inbox about my shitty love life, if this makes you uncomfortable, please delete it. But if you don't, I genuinely would like some encouragement. That my time for my own romance will come. That I will learn to love this face.

You're not unlovable. You're just 14. It just happens that being 14 feels a lot like being chronically unlovable. But no, that is not actually the case.

Maybe you've heard this a lot. And I imagine that it must be frustrating to listen to. That being a teenager just means your emotions are bigger and more intense than they will ever be in your entire life, so they're irrational and silly.

That's not the case either. Your feelings matter. And they're worth being listened to. But I do need you to keep in mind that the age range you're in right now is one of the most difficult periods of time that a human being will ever go through. Being a teenager is very hard. Being an adult is hard too. But me and every adult I've ever met would not trade it for being 14 again. No way in hell.

It does severely influence how you see yourself and why your emotions feel so strong and messy and all over the place. But I assure you that you're doing a fantastic job for a person in your situation. It's rough and you're getting through it and I'm proud of you.

Firstly, I'm going to say this quite bluntly but dont take it as me insulting them. Most of the boys in your class probably aren't that smart. And they are the absolute worst people to be seeking validation from. I promise that their opinion of you is not worth worrying about because they are...stupid, frankly. They won't be stupid forever. Probably. But being 14 is a weird age for boys too and they're quite mean for a while before they mature and chill tf out. Please try not to let it get to you if one of them doesn't like you romantically. I promise you it is not remotely a big deal. None of them have any idea how to be good boyfriends yet anyway.

No, you're not unlovable for occasionally having spiteful little thoughts about somebody who was mean to you. Everybody has those every once in a while. As long as you maintain some self-awareness and don't let cruelty consume your whole brain, having a few mean thoughts doesn't make you a terrible person. What WOULD make you a terrible person is external terrible behaviour. It's your actions that matter. So just be kind, alright? Be kind to your friends. Ignore the people you don't like but be civil. Don't hurt anyone. If you stick to all of this, you're golden. Considering that you already seem so self-critical of being a bit bitchy inside your own head, I think that's a promising sign than you won't do anything worse than that. I hope so anyway. Be kind, that's all you can do. Your friends love you. If you put your all into loving them in return, then you can have something so special.

You're not ugly, you're 14. Sorry, I'm getting a bit repetitive but I think it's relevant information to this whole situation. At the age you're at, your face is probably in this weird transitional period between child and adult so maybe that's why it might look "uglier" than usual to you. It might last a few more years but it won't look like that forever. I assure you that your face is beautiful because it's doing exactly what it's supposed to do. It's alright if you've felt ugly your whole life. The way you look at your own face is way more personal than the way you look at other people's faces. We don't really notice the flaws on others the way we notice our own. We're wired weird like that.

All I can say is hang tight. If you don't like your face then please try not to let it upset you that much. Your face hasn't fully developed yet. For the time being, you look exactly the way you're supposed to look and you're perfect. Let's see how it looks in a few years before we make any rash decisions about it being as ugly as you think it is.

Don't be hasty in the belief that you'll never find love and romance. I assure you that the age you're at is the absolute worst time to get a boyfriend and its perfectly okay if you don't experience it for another while. It's normal. You're fine. It's okay.

I know you want it. I know it sounds nice. And I promise that if its important to you, once you're older and the people you're interested in are a little smarter, you will have it.

I'm serious when I say that for the time being, focus on being a good friend. Focus on school. Focus on your own physical and mental health. Focus on your hobbies. Being wanted by 14 year old boys won't mean shit in the long run.

Things will be okay. You talk so much about how you'll be alone for the rest of your life. But your life has only just begun and you hardly know who you are yet. It's impossible to tell what will happen in the coming years. I promise that you'll be okay.

I know you came for me for reassurance but from that last paragraphs, I'm sure you're already smart enough to know the things I've told you. But I imagine that you just needed a second opinion. Take care, love.

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vexingwoman · 2 months

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Uh not actually here to hate but to say thanks???? Ive been thinking alot on my self expression and trying to figure out how to word it, and seeing some of your comments with other people really helped to put in perspective what I was trying to come to terms with. Ive always struggled with my gender but acknowledge fully that I'm biologically female. (Stay with me here till the end please i know lol) I genuinely dont care what pronouns I'm called either and none have ever felt right if I'm honest and nothing I've read or tried has been adding up for me over the years to help me feel any better.

Kinda realizing over the past year or so that I just have this deep ingrained idea from being surrounded constantly my whole life in a woman hating environment that I just have a *really* heavily masked hatred for what general society treats women as and was trying to remove myself from it hoping itd somehow save me from the terrible shit we all go through daily. And it just made me feel even more alienated doing that to myself. Its been a long time of coming around to this and I know how it sounds but I dont wanna consider any of my time wasted. I dont remember what it was but something you said to someone in a long ass comment fight clicked for me and rn I'm sleep deprived and wont even remember what it was in the morning either but I feel like some kind of weight has been eased off me. Im doing my best to unlearn the sexist misogynistic bs ive had shoved down my throat my whole life that made me think being a woman was something to be shameful of and better off without.

Its been hard trying to look into this radfem community and find someone who didn't immediately just insult and exclude ppl that werent already on the ball agreeing. Basically I appreciate your ranting with strangers. Amd indulging some of their curiousity as clearly as you can+defining everything you say constantly so I dont get lost in a whirlwind of hard to understand metaphors. Idk you get it. Something clicked and i dont feel ashamed for the time gone bc I know it was heavily influenced by the oppression of all things normal-human-womanly around me. I hate that we're all so tied into these stereotypes. Its painfully hard to unlearn. Thanks for the help. Have a fat block of text as thanks cause I'm not sure how to sound as genuine as I feel rn. Have a nice day and an even better tomorrow. Im gonna get some sleep now💀(stayed up WAY too late painting lol) bye!

This is so wonderful to hear. I know how dreadful it is doing serious introspection and making yourself aware of how deeply and unconsciously your internalized sexism runs. I’ve been there, and I know it’s even more difficult to deconstruct the subtle sexist attitudes which have been ingrained into to us since birth. Often it seems as hopeless as chasing smoke, because some of our internalized sexism is so deep that it’s invisible, and worse, inarticulable.

Some women will never think on these subjects beyond their surface level—will never dissect their preferences, will never concede that their choices are influenced by sex-based socialization, will never seriously reflect on why they are so desperate to identify out of womanhood. And in a strange way, I sympathize with these women, because I understand that it’s easier to shut your eyes and convince yourself that you were born in the wrong body than it is to open your eyes and acknowledge how much sexism has seeped into and corrupted our own minds.

Basically, I’m proud of you for putting yourself through the pain of deconstructing your own internalized sexism. You are better for even attempting it, and I hope you continue to do so.

P.S. I know exactly which long-ass comment fight you’re referring to, because I only put myself through that once. At least someone benefited from the literal month I spent arguing with that stranger. They blocked me, so unfortunately I can’t even go back and analyze the conversation if I ever wanted to. I would love to know what you took away from it, if you ever do remember.

#terfblr #radical feminism #terfsafe #radblr #gender critical #radical feminist safe #misogny #sexism #trans logic #gender abolition #answered asks

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intertexts · 2 months

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SEASON FINALE TRIVIA !!!!!! this includes 23 and 24. i hope youre having fun :)

- yakko does the intro and says "welcome to just rolled with it the show after the show where we talk about how awesome i am :)" and hes right for that

- JUST GENERALLY PRAISING YAKKO FOR HIS PERFORMANCE AS ASHE. grizzly goes "i honestly forgot you were a guest player i just want you to stay here forever now"

- bizly and yakko the night before they recorded this episode were up late thinking about just . goofy scary things for the trickster to do. like what if the floor is lava but REAL. what if his ARMS GOT LONG. shit like that

- BIZLY WAS GETTING EMOTIONAL DURING THE SCENE RIGHT BEFORE ASHE FULLY TURNS INTO THE TRICKSTER. which is HUGE because its a running joke in riptide that bizly never gets emotional during character moments and grizzly is like. the big crybaby about it. polar opposites of the getting emotionally immersed in roleplay spectrum

- grizzly: "i know out of character we had to leave ashe here because it works for the story and also youre a guest and cant stay forever but in character, dakota would NEVER do that willingly. if circumstances were just a little different i think william and vyncent wouldve had to physically drag him out of there" :(

- OVERLORD WAS NOT ORIGINALLY AN ALLIGATOR. HE WAS NOT AN ALLIGATOR FIVE MINUTES BEFORE HE WAS REVEALED . OVERLORD BECAME AN ALLIGATOR THE MOMENT BIZLY SAID ".... i gotta do it"

- yakko: i kinda feel bad that i just one punch deleted the big supervillain thats been hyped up for the whole season

grizzly: no, look. we've been joking for like 5 episodes now about how our characters could never beat an alligator. and we were right!

- "it took a god to beat a gator" "i feel like youd see that on the front of a church in florida" "whats a king to a god. whats a god to a gator"

- condi: "hey! so the beginning of the episode! pretty wacky! remember when we fought whirlwind?"

charlie: "no. no i dont."

- grizzly: "i almost find myself sympathizing with the villains sometimes because we're just so annoying"

yakko: "every villain we've gone up against is just thinking 'man, these kids are LOSERS'"

- grizzly: "i genuinely never want to speak to mark again"

charlie: "if he breaks out of prison i will go to every length to put him back in. i hate him. i hate him so much" THIS WAS LITERALLT UNPROMPTED?!?!?!?!! WHY DO THEY HATE HIM SO MUCH. FREE MY MAN !!!!!!!!!

- when they first got into the room, charlie condi and yakko thought thetubes were gonna open and 4 regular gators were gonna come out to fight them. grizzly thought it was gonna be wavelength betraying them with the other lieutenants (AGAIN. WHY ALL THE MARK WINTERS HATE. I DONT UNDERSTAND)

- QUICK BACKSTORY RECAP BY GRIZZLY. basically verbatim to how hes saying it.

vyncent: is from another world. looked up to an adventuring party. (condi: the important part was the whole "monsters that dont look like monsters" thing)

william: theres a bunch of ghosts spirits monsters in deadwood and he and his friends were investigating them until one day he followed a wisp into a forest and fell down a hole and died and came back as a wisp and now all the monsters and ghouls are out to get him so he had to leave deadwood so his friends and family wouldnt be in danger (charlie: well when you put it like that it sounds so much lamer)

ashe: had a trickster book and the trickster killed his mom. idk why he thought that was a good idea. actually, when you got possessed by the trickster the first time, howd you get him back in the book? (bizly: theres more to that story you guys havent learned yet so im not gonna just tell you. you have to figure that stuff out in character)

- dakota: (from charlie this time) uhh your parents died and you take risks and jump off things and then one day a girl jumped off a thing with you and you grabbed her but then also died like william wisp because we like falling off of things and getting superpowers apparently so you fell off something and got superpowers and then you left the hospital before they coukd tell you anything and you ran into the woods where you met a strange old man that taught you how to fight stuff i guess (grizzly: i never actually wrote what happened to the girl in my backstory. bizly: because you wouldnt KNOW)

- dakota adrenaline junkie........ (grizzly: its worse now because he has powers and he can do all the things he used to and MORE. and SURVIVE)

- they all believe tide was mind controlled from the time he went to talk to whirlwind by himself after they beat him. bizly says he misspoke and described some things wrong, tide wasnt actually mind controlled until they were actually in the building. he kept rolling saves for him and every time he just rolled like garbage so he never broke out of it

- its a 2/3 split on how theyre planning to react to the heroes. vyncent and william are bitter about it because neither of them are used to living in a place with a lot of heroes so they dont know how all of this is supposed to work. theyre angry that the heroes never showed up when they needed them and the one time they actually do come its just MINUTES too late after their friend had to basically sacrifice himself to save them instead. dakota, who grew up in and around the city basically worshipping superheroes, doesnt understand why theyd be so angry.

- the reason overlord knew they were coming is because the gunman from the whirlwind fight got away. he instantly came back to overlord and told him to expect pd soon because they beat whirlwind

AWESOME TRIVIA FOR THESE!!!!! holy shit... trickster the floor is lava but real ^_^ horrifying thanks!!

ALSO REAL. THIS IS YAKKOS WORLD WERE JUST LIVING IN IT!!! genuinely probably i would have figured out the setup in 24 so much quicker if i hadn't just. Forgot ashe was a guest. i was like yeah man four of them. he just lives here now. i wonder what theyre setting up for because i dont think some big setup for one of the main pcs 2 have an insane sacrificial moment would happen!! ^_^;

I LOVE THE WIWI STUFF. fucked up x files gravity falls ass hybrid. head in hands. ALL of the backstory stuff actually esp. vyncents which is still the vaguest shit ever. shaking himmmmmm why is there an adventuring party in ur brain !!!!! head in hands.

#THE FUCKING ALLIGATOR SHIT. OH MY GOD. im stiilll not fucking over it man. god.#god. please tell me these kids get like. ONE NIGHT. ONE NIGHT in umm. probably a fucking hotel or something because the hall of elementals #is still not really livable & umm. well they wont be staying at marks! please for the love of god i need them all to have a really long hot #shower & a cry & cuddle pile. head in hands. i need to like open google docs about this or something.#anyway... aughghgh. have been thinkin bout this shit all day dude. fuck. also feeling insane about dakota + their reaction 2 the heroes #specifically. i think thats most of it. OK. DAMN i need 2 get this classwork done ok i think ummm. maybe ill start s2 to motivate me.#catkiss.gif!!#mac tag!#pd lb

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thec0untry · 11 months

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realllllllyyy sentimental sentimental emotional personal

Idk why i feel the need to write it all out, it supplies some sort of catharsis to type everything and see it all in words. Coming to terms with the fact that i am still getting over a four-year whirlwind relationship with a girl who still in many ways is the girl of my dreams. We broke up a year and a half ago extremely amicably and responsibly, but the aftershocks of my entire life being uprooted have in no way ceased. We stayed close all through last year through the fucking absurdity of my gender tornado and my ultimate self destruction (which i am still in the early-middle stages of recovering from). The holistic rewiring that must be exacted following such a relationship/breakup (we were convinced through all four years that we would marry each other) has been such a long process, and my current emotional makeup makes so much more sense to me when i remember that i am still "getting over" all of it. Have only had one brush with love since then and that was more an extreme emotional/creative/personal alignment that ended in heartbreak and turmoil but also a friendship i am confident will last for my entire life. The way i always say it is that i can still remember the endless hours in the mornings when i would wake up before her and hold her in her bed, her body fitting perfectly in my arms, her strange breathing and her eyes as she woke, her sleepy voice and face, i can recall all of it immediately, the tenderest moments. This in varying forms for years. The deepest love and the warm knowledge that we shared every emotion for each other. And now the fact that i rationally understand but can't seem to really reckon with is that i will not feel that way again for a very long time. And it is not fair to whomever i am with to constantly measure my relationship with hypothetical new person to the relationship with her (of course when the true power and love returns it will be rapturous and nothing like anything i have ever felt). And at the same time she is continuing her life, and her growth has been staggering and beautiful to watch after we parted--painful, undoubtedly, but if our split was what she needed to grow then it was exactly necessary, i would never want to hold her back (i was). She is with a new boyfriend and this is good. But i can not shake the feeling: i am still here, and though the last time i saw her i realized that i am very much not in love with the person she has become, the fact of our relationship has left a universe-sized footprint on me. I am still here i am still here i am still here. But i feel like i am not, i feel like i am still in some interim, still living in the blast zone of our breakup and the abjection that followed it. Also knowing that she was the best person ive ever met, and though i do not love her now she is still one of the best and most powerful people i have ever known. And then comes the other fact that i spent the first half of this year convincing myself that i could somehow make her love me again, forgive me for all of the destruction i very publicly caused last year, somehow prove that getting back with me would not be an act of cowardice or backstepping. However It is not willed and this is a simple fact. But if she turned around and texted me right now something sweet and said she wanted to see me all amorous-like i would drop everything for her (perhaps not good because i do not really enjoy being around her anymore, but this is still true, i am not writing what i wish was true, i am writing what is true). Then the next question is: what next? I am a young man who feels love for everything and everyone very deeply and the answer of "dont think about falling in love" is not viable. I have tried that route again and again and it feels very bad. and so the answer i suppose is that i must strengthen even further, resolve all of my emotional hangups and potential immaturities, squash out my occasional suicidal flashes (which are obviously very alienating for people who love me), deepen my love for the world, for people, for art, forgo pride and inauthenticity,

increase my comfort and stability in the world and in social relations, increase my skill and power as an artist, fully live in my body, increase ruthless honesty with myself, understand all of my motives and learn to never hurt anyone on accident, be a little less intense, be kinder and more forgiving to myself, truly live, truly be alive and love being alive, and really really get over this breakup (which involves doing silly things like write big paragraphs on tumblr)--all around make myself the best potential boyfriend for the girl whom i love whom i havent met yet who is walking around right now. Man somehow writing all this out listening to my big ambient playlist has made me feel a lot better!

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x3kristax3 · 2 years

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Is this the end?

A/N: The more and more I write this story the more and more I love it and can't wait to share it with all of you. I've never been so compelled to write as much as I have in the last three months since I've finished Duskwood. Hope you all enjoy.

" If it's not fine, it's not the end."

Chapter 2

I watch Jake from the side mirror standing there watching us leave. Tears are flowing down my face as all I wanted was to fix whatever happened this last year.

This last year has been a whirlwind of emotions. He came out to visit me 6 months ago and I thought we were madly in love but as he was getting ready to come back he became distant and I couldn't figure out why.

I thought it was because of my friends and family being so protective of me but he assured me that wasn't the issue. He kept telling me he loved me and when we would fight he would send me my favorite flowers. However, this last fight he didn't and it had me worry.

"MC, it will be okay" says Jessy as she pulls into a coffee shop.

"Can you just bring me a coffee and take me to Duskwood?" I say looking at the coffee shop and it's one Jake always took me too when he would spoil me when I came out here.

"Yeah I can do that, but we need to talk about what happened." She says

"He cheated on me Jessy. Not much to talk about," I say looking at her with tears in my eyes.

She gets out and my phone goes off with a text. Unsure if i want to check it but I do and it's from Jake.

Jake: MC, I’m sorry for everything. You deserve better than this. I know for the last year I haven’t been the best and you kept trying to fix things between us and I just pushed you away. Please just know you will always hold a space in my heart but I did fall in love with you and I hate that I broke you like this.

I see he's still online. I start typing wanting to fight him for thinking he doesn't deserve me but I stop myself and erase it. Unable to say it, I just sign off and put my phone down.

My heart breaks more knowing these last two years might not have been perfect butI thought the love was true. I put my head on the dashboard and the dam of tears just break. I look up and see the girl from earlier and I about lose it but thankfully Jessy comes out of the coffee shop and gets in.

I go to grab my coffee from her "nope you're going to tell me what happened between you and Jake. You guys acted like you were still in love this whole two years so I need to know when it became a lie to us," she says, pulling the coffee away.

"When he came to visit me six months ago. I thought we were perfect. Yes we've been fighting this last year but nothing huge. However before he left to come back here, he became really distant. I didn't know why but he just played it off as he was going to miss me." I say with a sigh.

"MC, why didn't you say anything?" She asks, giving me my coffee cup.

"Because I knew you all would go to this conclusion, especially Dan. We both know Dan hasn’t liked him even when we were looking for Hannah. I didn't want to believe he would push me away because he loved someone else" I say still crying and not taking the cup.

"MC, I need to tell you something" she says with a sigh. "I dont think he stopped loving you and loving someone else. I think he's just scared" she says, pulling out her phone and opening the chat with Jake.

Jake: Jessica, please know I never meant to hurt MC like this. She's everything I've ever wanted and more. I still love her, I always will, but she deserves someone who is worthy of her love and time. Yes I did cheat on her but they never held a place in my heart like she does.

Jake: She will always be the missing piece to the puzzle but just please let her know I did this so she can find someone worthy of her unconditional love.

Jessy: You have no idea what you've done. She's never going to love someone like she loves you. You broke her heart today and her trust. You can't expect her to just move on because you want her too. You didn't see the hurt in her eyes as we drove off but I did.

Jessy: Even now she doesnt want to get out of the car for coffee! You broke the best thing in your life because you thought you didn't deserve her? She doesn't deserve to be treated like this. You two could have worked through whatever the problem is but no you pushed her off a cliff.

Jake: Please just tell her, I'm sorry.

"Jessy" I say with tears in my eyes "take me back and wait for me please."

"No, you need some space and time to think and he needs to realize how much he messed up with you," she says.

I pull out my phone and show her the message he sent me. "I got that as you got out of the car. Please, I'm begging you. Otherwise I'm getting out of this car and running towards him."

She locks the doors and makes it so I can't unlock from my side "no you're not running back to him. He wants you, he can prove it by coming to Duskwood" she says as she pulls out of the parking spot and heading to Duskwood.

I lean my head against the window, knowing it’s pointless to argue with her. There is a reason she has bright red hair, when she gets angry it fits her.

Jakes POV

After the message to MC and hoping to reason with Jessica, I realize how much I've messed up. I want to win her heart back but I'm unsure if that is possible. She is right, I'm the one that pushed MC off this emotional cliff because I couldn't open up to her about what I was feeling.

I throw my phone across the apartment and it lands by the coffee cup that is shattered. I look at the shattered cup realizing it's one of the matching ones she bought to keep her for when she visits and we can both drink out of it.

Why do I always fuck up a good thing in my life? Why can't I just open up to MC and push through these feelings of doubt?

I go and clean up the cup and grab my phone. I look at it hoping it's not cracked and thankfully it isnt. The chat with MC is open and I see it says she's online.

A notification comes through

Dan: how fucking dare you! You don't deserve someone like her. You dont deserve to be in her presence. I swear hackerman you come near her when I'm around her it will be the last thing you do.

I don't answer him trying not to fuel the fire I started. I knew everyone was protective of her. Shit, I told her to earn their trust and become part of the group. I even know Hannah and Lilly are going to take her side. I can't blame anyone but myself for this but I decided I need to find her.

I open the app on my phone to track location. 'I'm sorry for what I'm about to do, MC," I say to myself as I track her location. I realize they are heading to Duskwood. I throw some clothes and the basics in a bookbag and head out locking my apartment up.

#duskwood #duskwoodlover #duskwood fanfiction #writing #fanfic #mc x jake #everbyte duskwood

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nyegi · 7 months

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sometimes i feel like ive completely stagnated but also my life is a whirlwind somehow.... i feel like i see & do a lot of things at work but like. Thats All Really. and like i kind of miss having a gf but i kind of dont. i kind of feel like a background character in my own life which can be both good & bad. i dont really know what im missing or if im even really missing anything. but things are good for the most part

idk why i have this anxiety about Being Important to people like. i know im loved! i have wonderful friends! but i have this emotional black hole in my brain telling me im Not Important Enough to people. im not even depressed rn but i just get myself kind of down wondering if other people think about me as much as i think about them. as if that even matters!! and i know that i am loved by many people! it doesnt matter if im the #1 Most Important to anyone. thats literally not even a real thing. we all have the capacity to love limitlessly. these are fake metrics my brain invented to stress me out. i care about others & others care about me and thats all that matters. plus i probably am more important to people than i realize. these might just be normal post-long-term-relationship feelings but i dont know bc ive only ever been in one 🧍🏻‍♂️ well anyways im going to make myself some rice.

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labratgirlz · 1 year

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hi girl*ypop. hes my full will wood review again for the bit have fun.

okay so The Plan Is:

listen to each song you recommended, then listen to the albums you recommended + live shows, then listen to the full discography. im starting this at 10pm writing in my notes app. you made this happen to yourself. get ready for a whirlwind

ok so starting with red moon: genuinely epic vibes. love this one actually added to my liked playlist 💪

thermodynamic lawyer: this sounds so fucking familiar but i cant figure out where. also added to my liked playlist loved it. love me some catharsis screaming tbh

aplaces angel: like everyone else i was obsessed w the normal album over covid so. i did already know this one but i have not heard it in a Long time. epic and awesome as epic

oh love 6up 5oh. not my normal taste rhats for sure but its a lot of fun. if i ever make a playlist for when im walking home it will be on it. OH WAIT YEAH I LIKE THIS theres too muchwill wood on my liked playlist ufkc u

aikido took me like ten minutes to type in help. sleep meds are kicking in. its ok! not my regular vibe and i Cant stand clapping but it slaps.

front street scratches an itch in my brain that i Did Not know was there. cant tell if the weird knocking noises were part of it or my hallucinations but it 100% added to the experience. i liked the first half betterthough

a little bit mine: is cool.i like the drums. it has a good rylhytme also sorry ill get less and less coherent as it goes on also the piano is very fun. big fan

and if i did you deserved it: ok tbh just string instrumwnt is Not my favourite however his voice... eyes. Whatever maube there's a reason ur gay for this guy. nice voice or whatever. stfu also i loved it. btw. or whatever. i listened go the live vers and i love it wish more live versions were on spotogy.

euthanasia (live): fucks so far. as mentioned i dont love solely stringed stuff but i like it. once again... the live versions really bring out his voice in the softer songs.

becoming the lastnames: does it could if your parents REALLY should be divorced? /silly ummm. also i kinda dissociated during this one. but it was cool!! i liked it. makes nice sounds SORRY MY SLEEP MEDS ARE KICKING IN EVEN MORE.

falling up: like the beat its quickwr. and the sounds are nice. i like them ill save it to my grounding playlist tbh

thats enough lets get you home: oh this was fun. also grounding playlist tbh. i wanna learn this one if o ever teach myself guitar

blackboxwarrior: heard it before! dont love it in all honesty... its good! just not my thing soryyyy

marsha thankk you: REARRANGED MY MOLECULES!!!! I LOVED THIS SONG FOR SO LONG I LOVE ITNFORCWR

ok now im doing live vers of songs. starting with uhh whicgeever one u put first lmao ok so 6uh 5oh waz fun. i like it a lot its fun as a non studio i think they both have their good parts

love me normally- why is his shirt off. why dod someone tell him to take off his skin i mean j would do that but also why is his shirtboff in the first place. what

really no opinion on the third one. nothing bad irs just Not my thing lmao

i already liked suburbia but i think i like this live one better

hes funny actually. hes really good about the performer/audience divide which is epic. cj the x taught me about that. epic thermodynamic lawyer tbh i prefer studio vers but the live was also fun. ok whats next ummm

ok live shows ill get to tomorrow. which means i have ro listen to everything is a lot then the normal album. on it boss.

the 6up 5oh bit where like theres rhe chorus of other voices is so epic. i love when thats used

i like jimmy mushroom

lysergide daydream would also go on a walking playlist oh i know what playlist it fits on. banger tbh

everything is a lot is fun i like it also added to grounding playlist. omg my cats just came in

red moon again everyone scream and cheer

big fan of chemical reaction already

skeleton appreciation day wa sfun i liked it

oh oh oh i really likethe first step. liked playlost it goes. epic and awesome

ok ill send this now while i listen to normal album + after that ill go full discography and if anythign sticks out ill just send more asks. i hope u regret ever trying to get me into any media ever <3

YAYY glad you liked it overall ❤️ i would write a response to eveythig you said but that would get very long and i am absolutely sure nobody would read it

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genderqueerdykes · 1 year

Note

hi. im having a dilemma and was wondering if you could help

i have alot of guilt about constantly questioning my gender and sexuality. ive identi as everything in the acronym, but for the longest time, ive said i was a lesbian. my whole blog is focused on lesbianism and followed by alot of lesbians and sapphics. its kindof the main theme.... but....

internally i feel the discrepancy between being a lesbian (and thus presumed a woman) and what i feel comfortable with in my body and presentation. if i ciuld spitball it, id say i was likely..... nonbinary/genderqueer transmasc

in that i also feel a sense of draw towards more genders than just women. but i cant just ... switch up my entire blog for a feeling. and what if i change my mind again in a few days and i have to do this all over....

i envy everyone who knew from when they were 5 and just stuck with it. while i have to be so unsure and indecisive....i dont know what to do....

hey, i get that, it's okay to feel shaken up and like you suddenly don't know wtf is going on, and especially to be overwhelmed by it

i wanted to say that as a transmasculine/intersex lesbian, it is perfectly okay to identify as a lesbian if you are nonbinary, genderqueer, and transmasculine, but don't identify as a woman. you might partially identify as a woman, and have a partial nonbinary identity as well. identity is complex and multifaceted and it's alright to be a lesbian with a complicated gender, especially if you feel your attraction to women and woman-aligned nonbinary people is queer.

i get that feeling, i wish i could've just popped into existence knowing myself, as well. i've questioned myself so many times and tried on so many labels it can be a whirlwind. it can be confusing as hell at times. i hope you're able to figure things out. it's alright to feel confused and lost rn, but i just want you to know you don' thave to totally abandon identifying as a lesbian just because you are nonbinary, genderqueer, or transmasculine. take care, stay safe, feel free to stop by again!

#asks #answers #lesbian #genderqueer #nonbinary #questioning #transmasc #transmasculine

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theamberalice · 1 year

Text

Alright I'm doing it I'm trauma dumping.

Below is the account of the toxic boss, or as much as i care to write. Most of it I've blocked out buttttt I think writing always helped my mental health. So who cares, I'm doing it. Might delete later.

She's not getting named. She doesn't deserve to immortalized as anyone. She is just She.

There were warning signs in that first week.

She trains me, hypes up the job as so much work. So hard. I'm going to work evenings, eventually. She has me read the manual and... I don't recall much other training that first week beyond that/the basics.

I think she had warned me before that my second week on the job (the first week of spring semester) she was having necessary surgery and was going to be out. I feel like she did. But it's been 7 years. I don't know for sure.

That solo week she's gone she calls to check in once. I dont call her. Shes in recovery: and honestly that first week was more than enough training to cover everything. She didn't hoist anything major on me and we have good student workers that cover my dumb ass. Shes surprised I get on so well without her (Disappointed? Unnerved? Honestly no idea what the vibe was. I was just trying to be reliable and you know not fucking bother her after major surgery). Other departments fill in for me to cover the library at night so I don't stay the whole day. I think someone even covered my lunch but that bit is foggy.

Note: later at times it was just me and her, she never had anyone else cover me. (and there were many, she could never seem to keep another library coworker for more than a year- wonder why) IThat was never arranged beyond that first week without her. Maybe I did too good a job at being reliable, maybe it was just her covering her tracks, who knows.

The rest of the flags creep in slowly. The way she talks about the person who was in my position before feel... weird? Like that girl, I'll call her Diane, was like her best friend. They got on so well. Diane could do all this graphic design stuff to make marketing materials (read: I should learn how to do it just as perfect) but oh, I needn't force myself to learn what she knew (reality: I did, if only to import her work into a program that wasn't unweldly, laggy, and was compatible with everyone else had on campus). Diane had this fantastic whirlwind romance with an Austrialian and moved there to live out her dreams (foreshadowing: some weird poking into my romantic life with my future husband would ensue later).

Then there was the way she treated the other people working in the building. She insisted that the circulation desk was not a water cooler. That she worked hard to make it not a "water cooler". That talking to other employees would discourage patrons from coming to talk to us.

Note: This would later apply harshest to me and my future library coworkers. We weren't allowed to talk to each other for more than a minute before she'd come stomping out of her office to check on us. She positioned us at the desk where she could see at least one of us at all times through her window at the far corner of the library. I barely knew either of my two direct coworkers because of this.

She'd openly say things that were negative about other employees too: but in this subtle sly way that framed it around her view of the library. "So and so thinks he can run a library without a degree." "So and so is trying to do this to the building." She also had these expressions of disapproval whenever I joked with someone. Or talked normally in a way she didn't like. Or people said hi to me.

And then there were her reactions if anyone higher up in the food chain talked to me without her knowing about it first.

One time, maybe a few months into my tenure, maybe longer, the head of IT called me directly when shs and I were discussing something. She gave me this glare. This "you fucked up and now hell will reign down on you" glare. Turns out, the IT director was just wanting to have a laugh with me. My dad happens to work for a big IT service that colleges use, we were switching over to said service. Normally my dad would've been one of their direct contacts but had to give it to his coworker because, ya know, me working there is a conflict of interest for him. IT director thought it was hilarious. I probably would've too. But the whole time She was glaring at me. I could feel her anger. How dare I have this chat while we were having a conversation. How dare I interrupt her? How dare I have a little laugh. She was more important. No one called her about this. Reader; this set me into a full blow panic attack as I tried to scramble to end the call politely and quickly to get back to whatever the fuck She was currently pissed at me for. Now whenever this story of how my dad works for big IT service I have recurring panic and want to throw up.

Then there was her philosophy on proper Library behavior. While shushing wasn't something she did: she was sensitive to any volume above a whisper. She insisted thst any noise that echoed into the area must be stopped. Didn't matter from who or from where. This library has terrible acoustics and i was expected (and actually did once because she was watching) to talk to other employees about thier noise level if it carried from the north side (not the library) to the library in anyway. Me and my library coworker/ student worker were supposed to walk the floor every thirty minutes to stop noise before the collective volume of students got above a murmur. And not just one of us had to walk per thirty minute interval. Oh no. We were each supposed to walk independently of each other within the same thirty minute block, regardless of what we were working on; amount of students; when the floor was last walked. Yes, she checked

Note: This task was the first big clue she had control issues. My first coworker and I tried to do a system of asking the other when we walked last, so we could keep doing our tasks while also doing this busy work in the time frame she wanted. And it was busy work, as 80 percent of the time there would be a grand total of 10 people in the library. Walking the floor was really only necessary when study hall was in the building. These huge groups of teams constantly forget we are a library and needed the supervision. But the moment She caught wind of our developing system she crushed it. Insisted we both needed to be walking as often as possible. Didn't matter when the last time was. All the time was best. Her checking began in earnest after that.

Little things start to add up. I notice how while I'm being told one thing, I'm expected to do another. Be creative but only build off what others are doing/have done. Reach out to other departments, but send me your communication first because I can’t trust you to do it yourself. Tell me your opinions but if they don't align with mine they don't matter. Do this task, but I'll only give you expectations after you're already "doing it wrong". Come talk to me, but when you do ill give you the cold shoulder and act annoyed. Deligate to student workers but I will hoard tasks like a goblin and not explain my logic to why only I can do this minor thing.

I notice how she expects me to be exact with timing on everything. I'm supposed to do everything within her time frame, not mine, not the actual time of year, not taking into account outside knowledge or practices. It has to be done in her way or not at all. If I don't do exactly three posts a week on Facebook then I'm a failure. If I don't make an event every month and have it be different and unique and special Im a failure. If I schedule things months in advance at HER request and life things come up on the same day (like buying my fucking wedding dress) then how dare I exist outside of this library, failure.

Note: The Facebook thing really pissed me off for a number of other reasons. I started in 2016. No student was using Facebook. She insisted on searching up every potential student worker on Facebook before she'd talk to them. She got annoyed when she couldn't find them (because duh) or the kids had it private. I tried to get us on anything else, but she refused to do anything. I could see the PR people using other stuff but she was just ignorant. Literally the only people that looked at our Facebook then were staff, which was NOT who Facebook was for, according to her. Like I'm just supposed to make our students use this outdated platform and then our followers out of thin air for her.

I notice how I'm supposed to have all the answers for things outside of my power to control. No I don't know why that social media is pretending to have an account for us, I didn't make it. No, I don't know why this link isn't working today it was yesterday and that's the link you gave me. No, I can't just stop the students from downloading new apps on our IPads or saving documents on our PCs. When the pandemic hit she literally expected me to check every link on our website was working everyday and make a document, which she never read, and got mad when I told her which sites weren't working even though that's what she WANTED ME TO DO. Everyday for two months that's all I did. No not joking.

One on one meetings last an hour minimum. It's here her control issues are most obvious. She literally corrects the marketing materials i make with a red pen, marking tiny printing errors literally no one else would notice. Im talking periods not lining up exactly with the sentence above. Font sizes looking different to her eyes and refusing . Rarely it has to do with the actual wording of content.

The first time she disciplines me for something, its a minor mistake. I don't even remember for what. She later says she's surprised I didn't cry in that meeting. Which ???? Who even says that.

By this time I have a lovely coworker, Molly. Molly is much more independent and strong willed than I am. Molly also takes none of Her shit

Molly and I are given a rare opportunity to be alone together after a particularly nasty incident with her. She, oblivious to how a normal job and wardrobe function, critizes me for wearing the same pair of pants twice in a row. Thst this will make a bad impressikn on the library and therefore her. Or that I can't take care of myself. I am driving Molly home after this, quietly fuming, because Molly's car is having trouble. Some point in the drive, she turns to me.

"Hey, I don't think the way She's treating us is normal."

I chase that relief of that moment for the next four years in therapy.

My next coworker after Molly fled for greener pastures doesn't come until nearly a full year after she leaves. It's a guy this time, Josh.

Josh did not know how to deal with her shit.

Josh makes the grave mistake of "having a life outside of the Library" and makes friends in the theater department and joins the school play. She fumes whenever he leaves on time to go to rehearsal. She fumes whenever someone comes to talk to him about theater. I quietly cry a little, because even though she said I could have opportunity outside the library when I started. Reality is after 2pm I'm chained to the desk and don't go outside the building. I can't trust the student workers to be alone. And she can't watch the desk, she's got important director things to do.

Note: Her important director tasks that cab only be done in her office are easily done at the main desk by my current director regularly and often.

Josh is fired near the end of 2020. I don't know why, and that's fine. I do not have a coworker beside her for the remainder of her tenure.

It is here in the timeline where I learn a little of why boss is the way she is. I will not divulge it. That is not for me to say. I will say that in context I made a LOT of sense. But she let the effects of that drip onto me and everyone around her. That wasn't ok. It's not ok for anyone to regurgitate their trauma into abuse of others. That's what she did.

At the beginning of 2021 I am done with her bullshit. Therapy cannot go forward while she is my boss. I'm stalled. I do little rebellions. I mouth her barbs back at her from beneath my mask. I make small friendships with coworkers from other departments. Now that I'm not marketing, she can't control as much of me as she did. She threatens to take away tasks from me and I laugh. Then she'd need to do them herself.

The meetings between her and I turn into interrogations and daggers thrown at me. She forgets there's an office down from her and that someone else can hear her words. Her treatment of me flutters back to my bosses boss. I know nothing of this. No one comes to comfort me. No one asks how I'm doing. No one openly supports me. That's what I hate worst of all.

I can't tell you how elated I was when she told me she was leaving. I cried my way home.

This is only the surface. I've been writing this for three hours and it's still. NOT. ENOUGH.

#shush alice no one cares #personal #toxic boss #trauma

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lunati0ns · 2 years

Text

of one mind liveblog pt. 1

i saw someone putting all of their new acofaf reactions in one big post instead of a million small ones so im doing that instead ok? ok

EPITHETS!!!!!!

THE STATUESQUE.. theyre so handsome. so princely. so classically romantic. im proud of them

the formidable >:} so cool my dad so cool

THE TRUE. cute. haaaah it rhymes and also makes me teary. i love them so extremely much

oscar out here starting rumors SPECIFICALLY to make hob angry. why. just so rue can see him growl and make them blush? HM?

"and who started that rumor." "[immediately] i don't know." "....." "....... it was me ;}"

love that lou and emily are here SPECIFICALLY to make more drama i appreciate their roles so much. what would we do without them

WHAAAAT!!! HOB!!! WHAAAAT?! WHAT! WHAT! HOB?! MY GOD MAN. HOOOOOB?! oh my god he doesnt know... he has no way of knowing... OH MY GOD!!!! HOW CAN WE COME BACK FROM THIS BATTLEMASTER OF CEREMONIES!!!! oh hes not apart of it. dear god. AUUUUGH!!

brennan: [makes a emotions grenade] [hands it to the goblins] ok pull the pin

RAISES MY EYEBROW THE ANDHERA RUMORS? ',:0?! what does it mean what does it all mean what will be the implications of this. omg.

dont remind me we only have five episodes left PAIN

hob kill rumor? KILLS ANDHERA'S BAD RUMORS :( I LOVE THEM?! AND FUCKS UP HIS SISTERS REP AHAAAAA!!! goblin unseelie ALLIANCE!!!

epistolary phase. kicks my feet on my bed lovingly. literally everyone whos ever read my shit knows im a WHORE for these tropes,

illusory script letters ',:}}}}}} ;}}} ALVEN TIME. FIRST NAMES! i fan myself. chooch time. wow a sext. SQUAK'S A BOTTOM, CONFIRMED!!!! inspiration deserved

everytime hob writes a letter im like [heavy breathing] TO RUE? and every time its not. pain

oh squak's in trouble lol lmao lol lmao l--

OH A BEES IN MY SKIRT AND I LIKE IT

SQUAK... because he is LOWBORN. DEAR GOD. JEEEEEEZUS LOU.

STOP. NO. STOP. CHIRP. NAUR! ST. NO. STOP. QUIT IT NOW. STOP THIS oh okay its fine. oh my fucking god i thought she would pretend like it was a note from hob. im still throwing up though

binx letters :) :) binx binx<3

oh they Brought the goblin pagoda. thats cute. they built it all in ten minutes in a looney tunes tasmania devil style whirlwind dirt blur

[suddenly stricken by terrible realization] "oh grandpa's here. grandpa dog."

EUGH HE TALKS

:D hob and binx :D!

its literally so sad how binx has no attendants. no ones taking care of her...

HOBS SO WEIRD AND INTIMIDATING. I LOVE HIM

oh my god we're in for such a dynamic with hob and binx ohoohoohOO

SENDING FROM FUCKING REAL GWYN?! WHAT?! GIRL WHAT WAS TH oh 25 word limit. you scared the BITCH OUTTA ME!!

I LOOOOVE binxs moth wing liminal space magic way too much. tickles me. im teeheeing

omg is rue going to go to the planning meeting as an owlbear... omg they'll be so huge sitting at a little table delicately drinking tea...

i love how whenever oscar dots a ps at the end of a letter the ENTIRE TABLE gasps now

im scared for rue w this meeting... theyre so vulnerable after their reveal... are they even bringing an ally... what if they get pranked :(

UNTIL THE TIDE HAS RECEDED THAT YOU SEE THE WONDERS THAT WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME? STOP... M'HEART FLUTTERS... hes SO???? I DONT EVEN LIKE MEN. HES SO GOOD AT THIS AND SO STUPID

NOT THEIR FUCK UP LETTER TO CHIRP. AAAAAAAAH ITS ALL SHENANIGANS ALL THE TIME FUCK SHIT!!! GIRL HEEEEELP

FUCKING GRANDFATHER?!?!

IM ALREADY ENGAGED. WALK IT BACK.

she was courting me.... squak getting girlbossed? THEYRE IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP. WAH WAH! HE DOESNT LOVE HER. IM DEEPLY BETRAYED. HES SHOPPING AROUND! GIVE HER TO ME INSTEoh my god? SHES MARRIED??!!?!?

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!??!?!

THE TWISTS!!! THE TWISTS AND TURNS!!!!!

YOU HAVE A CHIIIIILD?!??!?!

SHES HALF FUCKING MORTAL. OH MY GOOOOOD. HIS-- OH MY GOOOOD? YOU STUPID-- WHAAAAAT!!! THATS WHY SHES A KENKU!!!!!!

WELL NOW WE HAVE TO KILL THE BUTLER. IM SO GLAD ME AND EMILY HAD THE SAME THOUGHT. THAT DUMB DOUBLE CROSSING TRAITOR BITCH

oh hes just stupid. or is he. shoots him with insights beam. you looked like such a SNITCH right then bub

im sorry that i forced you to back it up. im sorry you were throwing major ass without your consent

UUGUH THE MUSIC. I LOVE. VIOLIIIIIIIINS!!!!!!

wah wah keeping each others secrets... theyre family...

SHES IN LOOOOOOOVE!!! SHE MATES FOR LIFE!!!

chirp matchmaker moment? chirp ENGINEERS BATTLEMASTER OF CEREMONIES MOMENT?

is that their name... i like it... bird family so CUUUUTE. i enjoy everything about your person because they make you happy..

hob: [forced polite chortles] anyways,

brennan's hob voice is so cool but has the capacity to be so silly too. so growly. the gravitas! i like it

petrified with terror at hob's guard dog vibes. feel like a mouse under a flashlight beam. WHO IS HE TALKING ABOOOOOUT!!!!!

oh my god is binx going to bring rue as their second. :deadjulian:

salt goblin: well. youre an orphan. so

binx @ social situation: i get it. DEFINITELY. I GET IT! [doesn't get it]

YAAAAAAAS BINX RUE HOB ANDHERA IN THE SAME ROOOOOOOM!!!!!

we're in rue segment wheres wuvvy please please please PLEASE,

i loooove the cousins constant running commentary

ohh is binx an arcane trickster.. wait thats so cute... I CHECKED THE WIKI SHE IS. WAAAAH! only the tiniest bit of magic :(

"are you flirting with me?" "no im not. sir?"

SOMEONES GOTTA FUCK A SALT GOBLIN

"my dear your WINGS ARE SHOWING?" what a difference in genres. binxs in a comedy and rues in a period drama. theyre so cute

will rue WILLINGLY GO TO THIS MEETING?! WITH HOB?!

BINX AND RUE I THINK YOURE MY BEST FRIEND THEYRE BEST FRIENDS!!!!!!!! THEY MET A WEEK AGO. BINX YOU IMPRINTED ON THE FIRST PRETTY OWLBEAR YOU SAW LIKE A LITTLE DUCKLING

we've gotta start killing people in this campaign guys. i love you ms axford

pov rue eats the salt goblin

IT WOULDVE BEEN SO CUTE IF RUE HAD ROLLED A 1 ON INTIMIDATION THOUGH. FUCK. but i like that they're scary

oh my gosh theyre best FRIIIIEEENDS

you have to KILL this goblin

rue literally debby ryaning their feathers at hob's mention. cmon. youre GAY

oscar's nails are pretty

college au where rues a popular senior and they scruff binx whos like a homeless sophmore and are like Youre Coming Home With Me. when they graduate with a degree in fucking idk a dynamite double of fashion and business law they move into an apartment and force binx to live on their couch because they like her (and also because she's Homeless. and an Orphan)

SEEING HIM MAKES OYU SWEATY... binx wiping their forehead. the fuck. i love them

omg binx with the good crush advice... SLEEPOVER VIBES

STOOOOP RUE YOU'LL KILL HIM HE'LL DIE!!! ',:3 but do it

SQUAK SCOOBY DOO RUNNING INTO THE KITCHEN. THE APPLE JUICE, ITS DEEP. ITS DEEP UNDERNEATH TH--

ANDHERA ZONE OF TRUTH. SHE FAAAILS!!!

ANDHERA BECOMES IN TEXT CANONICALLY ASEXUAL CONFIRMED MOMENT??

NO FUCKING WAY. MY STOMACH FUCKING SWOOPED. RUSH OF WARMTH. DEEPLY. NO WAY NO FUCKING WAAAY. OH MY GOOOOD? I THOUGHT SHE W. I THOUGHT SHE'D SAY NO. CHIRP???? WHERE AM I. OH MY GOOOD? im so fucking twisted at the TOWERS

JESUS CHRIIIIST. AUNTIE AND UNCLE. DISPEL MAGIC

wobble day drinking. king

FAKE DATING??!?! i need them to be in a polycule i can't take this

wuh oh cousins icarus fall imminent. the wax is melting bros

chirps so fucking tired bro

NO DONT MOVE ON GIRL WHAT WHAT WAS THAT!!!

omg... binx rue andhera hob in the same room.... bites my hands

not me tearing up over andhera hob real true friendship

stop... rue's so gentle with her... OH MY GOD THE BEST OF FRIENDS...

okay im running out of characters i cant shut up. im making a second part

#acofaf spoilers #acofaf #liveblogs #void.txt

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crazycourtny · 2 months

Text

I don't want to be this way.

I want to be the parent

His parent

I want him

I misss him so bad

I want that life

I don't want to be running around like a child

I want to raise the child

I want to have the same interests with the child

With you child

My child

Not my used to be child

I want my now child

My son

My boy who had been with me sense the beginning almost

But at the same time

I feel myself pulling away

Why

Cos that's not what I want

I'm so confused

My best is a mess

A whirlwind

I don't want that

I want a clear head

I want a clear

A clear Family

I want the life of it all

I needed all of that

I want to be submerged submerced in it

So deep

So so deep

Always

I can't stop

Never just can not stop

Ever

Omg

I'm numb

I feel nothing

But I feel it all

So intensly

But yet I am still stuck

am stuck

I am pushed down

Past down

I am trapped

I am being sucked down

It takes so long for me to realize

For me to get there

But I got there

And I can breath

But I cant

I don't know how

How

Who

Someone please

Take me away

Explode me onto the world

Show me to everyone

Let me be me

Cos me is great

I am great

When I am me and clean

I can be

Anything

Damn

I'm good

Don't want to be cocky tho

But damn

I'm good

Hell

I just want to go

Explore

My mind sure has explored

Explored off topic as to what I began oringinly writing about

Mikey

My boy

But I dont feel close with him

That's why maybe I feel so broken right now

Not whole

I don't feel like I am all of myself

He was a part of me

Inside me

And that is gone

I am gone

I want me back

I want him back

I want us back

Our family

I want my family back

But I took it away

It's my fault

I pushed it away

I tore us apart

Now I am able to bring us back together

No I'm not

But I will be

I want to be

I'm going to be

I can do it

I am doing it

Right now

I have stopped

I am done with it

I am done with the mind altering madness of meds

I can't say meds

It's hard

Hard to say

Hard to admit to the face

The reality

Of all of this

Always

I can't stop

I want to atop

I don't know how to not keep going on and on and on

0 notes

anieelmo · 4 months

Text

I'm so terrible at this.

I've been so in and out of my head lately. I honestly dont remember the last time I really posted anything unless I double back and check where I left off.

Anyways, another new year has started and January went by in like what? 8 months? I gotta say, January was a whirlwind for me. It was really really emotional and just a lot was going on.

To start off, one of my good friends from high school passed away. I didn't find out why until I saw an obituary posted about her. It's really sad that she passed away so young. A lot of us are actually really shaken up about it because she was such bright light in our lives.

Yeah a lot of us stopped talking to her/each other, but it's just those times where you started thinking about the memories you DO have with them that hit us the hardest. It's so cliche of me to say that I wish I did reach out more and actually tried to keep our friendship going after high school, but my anxiety and depression really made it hard to stay connected with people.

It still amazes me how well I'm even maintaining my best friends right now. I guess it's the fact that we all have low expectations from each other that we're just rooting for one another on the side lines . Always rooting for each other, even if we're all doing things on our own.

Speaking of which, as much as I'm maintaining my relationship with my best friends, I am unfortunately losing/stepping away from a couple people that I thought were part of my tribe. We decided to step away from each other because we all thought that would be best for our mental healths collectively . Turns out, it did more harm than good on our relationship. We ended up drifting apart. Faaaar apart. But that's okay. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life right?

I know, I probably should really try to keep friendships, but sometimes, it's just more draining than it does any good for anyone. plus I dont want to be resented or used as a conversation either. It's getting really exhausting having to deal with these kind of friendships. The ones where you're always competing or comparing to. The ones where you talk poorly behind each other's backs or just talking poorly of one person behind their back collectively. It's just not a good environment to be in.

I said that I would start putting myself first.. and that I have. Things are getting a little more peaceful on my end. But of course it always comes at a cost. Everything comes with a cost.

I've honestly have been struggling really hard with my depression, but at least my anxiety has been fixed. Things are getting better little by little. I've been writing in my journal lately, so that's been helping. I usually write the really personal and raw emotions on there because I wouldn't really want anyone to stubble upon it and have proof of it to show to other people to have a conversation about and use it against me.

I just wanted to have a space to have a free will thought. I'll most likely try to get a rhythm and try to keep posting here if anything. For who ever does follow and care to read about my personal life. LOL

how weird is that. there are people who actually do care and are nosey about my personal life right?

Anywho, I'll post the calm and collective thoughts after having the emotionally raw ones written out.

really a lot has been going on. I just don't really think its necessary to expose all of it now or ever. Who knows.

#personal thoughts #life updates #hello

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sentheiments · 7 months

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Whirlwind

Flabbergasted

Strucked

That is how I feel when we greet each other. Haha 😔 I imagined things to happen when we finally meet yet it was really far from what I thought it would be. I feel like you’re distancing yourself from me, I have mixed emotions about it. It feels like you no longer like me the way you used to. I dont know why I was partly hurting but relieved at the same time. I no longer feel your burning gaze, your constant stare, even low key moving closer to where I am. I like it, this was my prayer but in the process I find myself hurting. Is this normal? 🥲

As much as I dont want to put the blame on you but I think you are partly responsible why I feel so messed up right now. I cant get you out of my mind. I was okay when we don’t exist in each other’s world, I was okay when you’re out there exploring the world. But now that I see you face to face again it all came crashing back like a wave. I honestly dont know what to do about this, I am confused. I so badly want to talk to you but I’m not even sure if you have mutual feelings as my thoughts scream. I find myself hurting and distracted about prayer because all I can think is you. I am praying for an opportunity to discuss this matter with you. I am going crazy thinking of all the HOWS and WHAT IFS. Will you message me directly huhuhu why did you have to awaken love before I desire it? 😔 Now I am not entirely certain if this feelings comes from me or God. I really wish to talk to you. I pray you do too.

#sentiments #writing prompt

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blankdoeeyes · 7 months

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I came home 2 days ago after spending a week with my bf and things have been on edge again like it always is when were long distance, i cant explain what is going on because he just blocked me and called me the most hideous person and said goodbye and i just tried to detach myself from the situation before because my heart started beating and i know i start saying hurtful words when i dont control myself.. i didnt say a word i just felt left out and like he'd rather call with the person being in our gaming party so i just left the party and started crying and then he blocked me on there and also on here and idk how to cope. its been 2 days and he literally just blocked me like none of those days that weve been together mattered. its just too much to handle and idk how i can go on feeling like this when were apart when it literally takes this little for him to block me.. i didnt even say shit i just left because my heart was beating fast and i couldnt.. idk how im supposed to cope when we were kissing and hugging and everything was okay and we didnt fight at all and now its all down the drain and hes got enough.. like i truly dont fucking know what to do to make this better i just dont. i just feel really suicidal bc we were on best terms in real life and now he just blocked me and i just have no clue what to do. i cant make it any better, before i felt really suicidal and was on edge of harming myself and now its 10 times worse. like i just truly dont know i cant handle all this whirlwind of emotions in just 2 days i just cant. if anything would happen irl he'd just dump me if i happened to split on him or broke down or i dont fucking know i just dont know. if this is too much then what would happen if i'd split irl and just broke down and showed him how i truly am like when im at my lowest. like he'd just dump me and say that its enough. he cant stand me he didnt even ask me what was going on he just blocked me. he doesnt care about me struggling. i didnt get one word out of myself i didnt say anything and its equally bad as if i have full blown split on him

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nosuchthingasagruffalo · 1 year

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New Earth

Kathryn looked at Chakotay laying in their bed as the morning light streamed across the covers, she slowly climbed under the duvet and stroked his face, it had been a whirlwind eight weeks since he had touched her heart with his tale of love, they had spent days making love in the bed, bending her over her bath, lying amongst the flowers, naming the constellations shining in the moonlight. "Hi Chakotay" Kathryn whispered into his ear, Chakotay groaned and pulled her into a kiss, but she pulled away. "I need to talk to you Chakotay" she whispered as a look of concern crossed his face. "I've been trying some of the cures I have created for this virus on myself, so I've been scanning regularly and .."

"You've been doing what?? Chakotay boomed "how could you be so stupid how do you know you won't kill yourself?"

"That's not the point" Kathryn replied curtly. The point is I have been scanning myself and it turns out the virus has interfered with all our usual medication, including.."

"Including what?" Chakotay pressed

"Contraceptives. I ovulated three weeks ago making me 5 weeks pregnant"

"Really?" Chakotay found his shock making way for a warm fuzzy feeling.

"Stop it" Kathryn snapped "I can't keep it. There's only two of us on this planet, what happens if we have an accident or get ill? What if we died and left a defenceless toddler alone. What happens when we die of old age and commit the child to 40 years of solitude? It's too risky. If we were on Voyager, or Earth this could work, but here, I won't condem a child to a life of loneliness. Our medical supplies won't last another 80 years, please know this is not a decision I have taken lightly."

"Of course" chakotay grimaced, "I can prepare a hypo but you will need to administer it. I will suport you but I wish it were different."

Two months later they were returned to Voyager. After the abortion Kathryn had given herself time to grieve but had also found a peace within herself. Her relationship with Chakotay had strengthened although she hadn't wanted to make love to him again too soon. On the second day of her return she found herself and Chakotay having a late dinner in her quarters and beckoned him to her bed. She parted her legs as he gently pushed himself inside her, kissing her neck and whispering words of love. She felt him tightening and panicked "pull out Chakotay" "Kathryn it's ok, the doctor readminstered our boosters but i won't do anything you dont want" he said as he pulled her into a cuddle "you'll resent me" Kathryn sniffed "if I had waited a 7 more weeks, I was too rash. You might not feel it now but you will" Chakotay shushed her "it wasn't the right timing, I only need you, I don't need anything else"

Present day

Chakotay awoke with a start. His vision quests did sometimes carry over into his dreams but this one had been recurring weekly. It was menacing and dark, the beating and whistling of feathers, the sound of a bird crying out, the sense of dread, loss. "Are you my lost child?" Chakotay had asked but he only heard and angry response echo through his mind "you must not ask me that" . He cursed himself for allowing any of his children to join Starfleet and put themselves in danger, why hadn't he and Kathryn encouraged them to stay planet side, safe and together as a family.

He heard Tuvok hail him over his comm "Captain, Admiral, please meet me in the conference room as soon as possible".

****

"We have identified a gaseous giant and small rocky moon at the coordinates we were given. Scans show there is a network of tunnels which our scanners are not able to permeate, no sign of Lohengrin."

Kathryn looked around the room "I don't want to waste any time, we will have a search party ready within the hour. Ensign Hussein please join Captain Tuvok and me, Captain Chakotay will remain on the ship should we be joined by any unexpected guests. Dismissed"

As the officers filed out Chakotay lingered, he walked around the table and towered over Kathryn. "Kathryn, what are you playing at? You're afraid aren't you, of what you might find, you're not protecting me, I won't let you do this, he's my son too, we BOTH encouraged him to join the Academy, we are both going to damn well see this through" he leaned down further, his face millimeters from her nose "permission to join the team Admiral". Kathryn met his eyes with an icy fire, she looked away, she nodded.

*****

Kathryn scanned her tricorder over the mouth of the caves "I'm reading human biosigns this way" she gestured down a tunnel and headed towards the location. She could hear noises and what sounded like words bouncing off the walls of the cave. She picked up the pace and hurried further down the tunnel, could this be Amal? She imagined turning a corner and seeing him there, waiting for her, embracing her outstretched arms. She stopped dead in her tracks as she saw two figures in front of her:

"Lottie, what are you doing here"

END OF SEASON ONE

To be continued .....

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