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psycoweeb · 3 years

Text

Amber/Momo Yaoyorozu

Color Prompt: Amber(Most of this was meant to happen in front of a fire...)

Fluff☁

Warnings: Tooth rotting fluff, cheesy confession, hiking, and my bad writing ❤

Disclaimer: I do not own bnha or any of its characters. Only the story written below.

A/N: I am SO SORRY this took so long! To make a long story short I basically dropped all of my hobbies in order to focus on the last bit of my school semester😅

It's litterly 12am rn so sorry if it seems a bit off at the end (this fic DEFINITELY did not go the way I planned😂I kina like it tho)

~~~•∆•~~~

You tried to keep up as you walked the trail, ducking and dodging branches. 'Why am I here again?' you thought starting to feel your fatigue slowly building.

It was nearing the end of class when Aizawa sensei randomly announced a surprise four day "field trip" that would take place two days later, and it wasn't an option. We ended up rushing to get our parents permission, and pack up.

You were pulled out of your thoughts as you heard Mina groaning loudly. "FINALLY!" The pink haired girl exclaimed sounding relieved. She had good reason to be, Aizawa Sensei had the entire class take a SIX HOUR hike instead of taking the bus up the very obvious road.

You dragged yourself to the clearing along with the rest of the class toward Aizawa sensei, who some how made it up before all of you. And didn't seem the least bit tired??? After giving the class a few hours to rest, thank goodness, Aizawa sensei stood up to speak.

"I'm glad to see you all made it in one piece, however I can't promise you'll leave that way" Everyone internally groaned at this. "starting today we have survival training" He said with a bored expression.

Iida stepped forward, confused by his teachers statment "With all do respect sir, why would we need that type of training? We'll most likely be working as heros in the city, correct?"

"While that may be true" The teacher said turning to him "we don't want other incidents like the USJ. We don't know the extent of their power, therefore we dont know where or how far they can teleport someone. And it was made clear how much you all are lacking in this type of environment at the training camp"

He continued "None of you are used to fighting in a closed off environment with obstacles everywhere you turn, that's what this training camps main objective is, to get you ready for anything. Today we have survival lessons and tomorrow we work on combat, we'll switch off between the days. That means you have two days to learn how to survive in a forest and two days to learn combat in a forest, good luck"

~~•∆(Timeskip by: Momo's delightful tea∆•~~

Everyone sat in silence waiting for their teachers instruction... And by silence I mean bakusqaud was quoting vines while Bakubro yells at them to shut up. (but with more✨𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠✨)

Dekusquad was thinking about random strategies they should use if they were ever ambushed (don't jinx it) while also thinking about what they would eat once they get back.

And the rest of the class are sitting in silence minus some mumbling about cold soba and a few poems.

At some point, in the middle of all this, Midoriya decides it's been long enough. "It seems like Aizawa sensei doesn't have any intention of helping us figure out what to do"

"I do believe it's time that we take charge of the situation." Said Iida "yeah but who?" Kirishima asked quizzically

"What do you mean? " Ojiro inquires

"Who should take charge?" You nodded at his answer

"He has a point" You started "It would be to chaotic if we all 'took charge' of ourselves."

"I vote Iida and Momo!" Hagakure beamed "They aren't the class president and vice president for nothing!" she exclaimed, running over to hug Momo's arm.

"Yeah that sounds good"

"I have no qualms with it"

"Yeah"

"I don't see why not"

"I can get behind that"

Mutual agreeance flowed over the crowd of teens in the form of nods and over exclaimed confirmation.

"Okay then" Momo said, sounding slightly nervous.

"ALL RIGHT THEN" exclaimed Iida unconsciously chopping the air, beginning to bark out a few plans and ideas.

××•∆Timeskip by: Mina's killer moves∆•××

You walk through the trees, glancing around at the ground every once in awhile to make sure you're not skipping over any decently sized sticks.

"How many do you have so far?" You yelled out, not in any particular direction.

"Not enough" Momo yelled back, obviously preoccupied with finding sticks big enough for the fire you both were tasked with building. And by fire you mean bonfire, I mean, it is meant for about 22 people.

So you were kind of disappointed when you found out Momo couldn't use her quirk to make your jobs easier since sticks were considered living things.

You continued to walk forward until you came across a log with a few decent sized sticks protruding from the sides. You snapped them off the log, deciding what you had combined was enough, you both quickly started heading back the direction you came, hoping to get back before it gets dark.

Now, listen. The camp was generally pretty big. I mean, it IS meant for 21 students plus 1 teacher. That being said... why couldn't you find it?!?

You DID come from this direction... RIGHT???

Or.. Was it that way....oh no

"Whats wrong?" Momo walked a bit closer, noticing your hesitant steps.

"Oh nothin', just got a bit turned around" Your voice got higher, trying, and failing, to brush off her question

"Wait so...we're lost???"

"Hey! I never said 'lost'...but uh" You cleared your throat "Yes"

And that my friend... Is when panic set in. You'll never be able to graduate or even try to beat Bakugo and his damn near perfect grades!

"Um... Y/N"

Forget about being a hero! You can't even save YOUR SELF! FrOm TrEeS!

"Uhh"

I'll never be able tell her

That.. That is when you made the worst mistake of your life, you looked at her.

And saw Momo's confused, borderline sad face. You had been speaking out loud this whole time.

'Well, I was mumbling what are the chances she ACTUALLY understood what I was saying??? Maybe I could play it off?'

"Tell who what?"

'Dang it!'

You thought you were packing before? Ohh you haven't seen anything yet!

This is the WORST time to confess! It's not romantic AT ALL and your covered head to toe in sweat! And now, you either have to confess your undying love for the girl you and been borderline stalking for MONTHS! Or let her go on believing something that MY NOT EVEN BE TRUE!

You took in a sharp breath. "Well" She gestured for you to continue "There's this girl, she's smart, pretty, nice, well tempered, a good leader, and most likely WAY out of my league... " You had started rambling "A-and I kind of have a massive crush on her... "

With every word Momo's face slowly fell until she was completely looking at the ground

"Well, it sounds like you really like her"

"I do" You looked toward the sky dreamily

'Wait.She doesn't think. She couldn't really. Oh no.. '

You stopped dead in your tracks and turned toward your classmate.

There is NO WAY are you letting the classic: mIsuNDErsTAnDInG tRouPE get in the way of you possibly being able to get a date with the girl you've had a crush on for basically the whole school year!

"Momo Yaoyorozu!" You unintentionally shouted with sudden confidence. She jumped in surprise "You are the most amazing person I have had the pleasure of meeting and will no doubt become an even more amazing Hero"

You paused "I don't want to end this year knowing that I had the chance to have someone so beautiful in my life, possibly forever, and passed it up." You grabbed her hands and looked into her eyes, she was blushing... HARD.

You low key felt proud of yourself. "Momo, YOU are the girl I like. Would you please consider becoming my girlfriend?" You could feel her grip on your hands tighten.

"Do you really think I'm all those things?" She mumbled. "Of course" You answered without thinking, a confused look on your face.

"Strong, stubborn, creative," She spoke softly, gaining confidence with every word.

"good looking, encouraging, and always able to calm down a bad situation while still being able to bring energy into a room just by walking in"

"That's what you are to me." She was now looking you in the eyes. A bright smile on her face. "So when you ask me if I would consider being your girlfriend, the answer is, I already have. And there is nothing I want more"

Your eyes we're now glossed over with tears, but you didn't feel embarrassed because you could see that hers were too.

You both started to lean in and closed your eyes. Soon enough your lips met. It was as if time had stopped. As if the universe itself wanted to sit and appreciate the beautiful and unforgettable moment.

Even when you consider everything that happened that you didn't exactly enjoy. Even though you were still lost and BAKUGOU of all people was sent to find you. That was the most memorable and magical night you had ever experienced as a student of UA.

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lovely-keii · 3 years

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Hey! So I am requesting for the matchup event, and you can call me Chi!

I am an ambivert, more on the extroverted side, and I can be sweet or snarky, depending on the person I am with. I get really hyped up and excited for the things I like, or the stuff I do with my loved ones, but also need some low time to just lie down and cuddle when needed. I am a bit of a nerd (thought I prefer the term studious), but I used to play tennis, and still play basketball and swim whenever I can (I wouldnt consider myself skinny tho, I'm mid sized).

I like writing poems and stories, painting, listening to music, yet go on little adventures, hike, and party, it just depends on my mood. I like to be organised yet a bit messy whenever I am low.

My type? Well someone who speaks their mind, and matches my energy. Is able to send jabs at me, and doesnt mind when I send it back, though I am fine with someone sweet too cuz CUDDLES. Laid back, but cheerful too sometimes. I'm touch starved I need hugs :( oh, and I identify as queer, I am a bit attracted to women and other genders, but I have a preference for men.

I dont like it when someone tries to mansplain me, or ridicule me for the stuff I like. Should maintain a bit hygiene, but chill about it. Otherwise, I'm fine with anyone.

*I'm so sorry, I might seem all over the place, but this is me :) I love your works!!!! I'm a huge Atsumu/Bokuto/Suna stan, but I'm excited to see who I am matched up with nonetheless. Thanks! Hope you have a nice day :))

you got matched with…

KUROO TETSUROU

i just think the both of you would be compatible??

he’d definitely love to hear all about your hobbies and such and i think you’d be so cute with him!!

he’s definitely someone i see you with

he’s someone who fell for you after a few days of talking to you.

the both of you were classmates, but to his frustration, he could barely talk to you without sweating profusely. he plays it off well, obviously.

at first it was just a simple crush, taking glances at you during class, offering his assistance immediately as soon as you ask for help, or just trying to start conversations with you.

you two were good friends, with even greater banter. at that time, you didn’t like him yet, and you were completely oblivious to his advances.

somewhere between you brushing away his hints and your obliviousness, he decided that maybe it wasn’t meant to be. (he was wrong btw)

until that gracious day, of course. the school announces the date of prom!! in two weeks.

of course, even way before it was announced there was word of prom already, seeing as it was prom season but kuroo thought nothing of it.

he wanted to ask you, he really did but a close friend of his got to him first. apparently, she fought with her boyfriend and didn’t want to go to prom with her boyfriend, asking kuroo instead.

a week passed until she bailed on him, explaining how she had gotten back with her boyfriend and if it was fine if she went to prom with him instead, which kuroo agreed to!

everyone was set at that point, all his friends having dates. he was still unsure about you, but he was too nervous to ask you.

he spends until the day before prom without a date, deciding to go alone if he couldn’t find a date. a date that he liked, specifically.

kuroo was a handsome guy, there were girls asking him to prom and while he wanted to go with a date, he didnt want to lead anyone on.

you two were seated beside each other that day, talking occasionally, until a realization popped up into kuroos’ head: he didn’t know if you were going with anyone.

“so uh, chi. what are you planning for prom?”

“well, i couldn’t find a date that i liked, so i might be going alone.”

“wait really?”

“uh yeah? you were going to prom with your friend right?”

“no, she decided to go with her boyfriend”

“we could go together?”

he looked at you with a face like 😲 and he nodded a yes

it was officially prom night, and you were both /hot/

he asked you to dance a couple times, you two chatted a lot, and all in all, had a great night.

if you were going to o be honest, you didn’t know kuroo too well to say you were close but after that night? you too might as well have been the best buddies since childhood

that was when you developed feelings for him. while it was dumb, to like someone after going to prom with them, you couldn’t deny that that was one for eh best nights of your life.

a few weeks after that, he spots you writing something.

he sits next to you and you smile at him.

“what are you writing?”

“just a short story to pass the time.”

“what’s going on in the story?”

“after they talk, the guy asks the main character on a date.”

“wanna go on a date?”

“what?”

“the guy asks the main character on a date. wanna go on a date?”

you agree and he brings you to a local cafe the next day.

(i just had to put this in, he learned how to play your favorite song on the piano for you)

1K EVENT

#♡ anon + viv ♡#☾.viv’s 1k event #☾.viv’s match ups

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raevenlywrites · 3 years

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Dasi High 2 of ?

All day long, all I wanted was my book. My book. I thrilled at the way the thought seemed to pulse in my head, heavy with the weight of destiny or something. It had to be some kind of strangeness at work, to put this exact book into my exact hands with my exact little name on it. Kiesha... It wasn’t exactly a sorceress’s name, but still, it wasn’t that common. Not for books that looked like they’d been buried under the sea for the last thousand years or whatever. “This should be in a museum,” ala Indiana Jones and all that. My book. It filled my chest with warmth just thinking about it.

But I kept it in my bag all through school, even during lunch. No Coke, greasy pizza, or nosy teachers were going to threaten my ancient tome. I wasn’t an idiot. I was going to keep it safe until I got home.

Safely ensconced in my beautiful window seat, the envy of all book lovers and cat nappers everywhere, I savored the moment, feeling the heft of the book in my lap, breathing deep of its good, good book smell. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a technophobe, but books man--nothing compares to the feel of thick pages beneath your hands, the crinkle, the earthy smell. Yeah. There was a reason Brass thought I might be into it, namesake notwithstanding.

The cover was plain, well-worn, shiny and slick to the touch with the press of so many hands before. The finish had worn off the lettering and embellishments, but fingers could trace the rise and indents of them. I suddenly wondered if I should be handling something so hold, then realized I had no idea how old it even was. Oh well. Brass’s mom wouldn’t have let him have it if it was priceless, right? With a steadying breath, I cracked the cover.

The glue had long since stopped holding the pages in, but the binding was still sound. Maybe I’d ask Donte or Nalini later if either of them knew anything about repairing old bindings. They were both always doing handsy stuff, Donnie with his computers, and Nani with eir soaps and stuff. Surely one of them would know something, or be able to point me in the right direction. For now, I gingerly laid the cover open in my lap and turned the pages with a reverence I almost never felt for anything. I hadn’t been this careful with a book since my Sandman hardcover omnibus I got for my last birthday.

Enough stalling. It was time to read.

I was surprised to note my own reluctance. I’m not usually one for drama, but this... it just felt heavy. Important. Like it mattered.

The front endpaper had a yellowed bookplate pasted in, painted with an elegant symbol or crest or something I didn’t recognize. It looked almost like a stick figure of someone dancing, arms reaching up and stance wide--except there were weird branches coming off, like cursive flourishes. Maybe it was a signature? If so it wasn’t in any language I could read. I suddenly panicked at the thought that I wouldn’t be able to read any of it, aside from my name, and eagerly turned the page, anticipation mixing with dread.

But instead of a title page, or anything even printed, it was another handwritten page, like a dedication, or maybe a poem or something. It was written in the same kind of cursivey, wavy letters as the bookplate, and with growing anxiety I turned to the next page.

The family tree.

Thin, spidery hand writing covered the pages, faded, but definitely in the familiar English characters. Arabic? Or was the for numbers? Whatever. I could read it, that was what mattered. It was hard to parse, just as it had been at school, but I found the letters of my name quickly, and my finger hovered over the page, tracing the line down. Don...Donovan? Sisal... Salem... It was almost impossible to make out, save for the ever-clear Kiesha. Almost like that was the only part I was meant to read. I stared at the whole page, trying to let my eyes go soft focused, to see if anything else jumped out at me, but the longer I looked, the harder to read it became. I gave up and turned the page.

A list of names and dates followed, like you’d expect from an almanac. But instead of useful things like “March 3rd” or “Spring Equinox” it said things like, “the fourth night of cheres” or “the eve of Namir-da”. It was English, but just barely. I skimmed the page but quickly moved past it, eager for something that made sense.

It was hard not to let my disappoint take hold. This book had felt so special--it was special, just... not what I’d been expecting. Recipes, as Brass had said, and almanacy things, lie when to plant, but nothing that gave me any sense of wonder, or importance. I was just about to give up when I finally came across a section written in plain English.

They say the time has come. I have been given the family book, and told its mine to keep. But what I am expected to do with it, I cannot say. I have nothing of my own to add. I am not even the oldest of the family line. But I feel I should write something, to mark the occasion if nothing else. So here I do write, on this, the first of August, in the year seventeen hundred and seventy-one, that I, Kiera Cortana, am now in charge of the family book, for better or for worse.

Whoa. Now that was seriously cool. I flipped back to the family tree, to see if I could find Kiera. There, near the bottom, Kiera Cortana, 1753. Neat. That made her... seventeen, eighteen when she wrote her entry? Wow. Barely any older than me. That warm tingle started again, that sense of connection, and I just let my hand rest on the page, fingers just below her name. There wasn’t any more after hers, though there was room for more. Hope for the future that never came.

The warmth turned to sadness, a kind of longing I couldn’t really put my finger on. I got that way sometimes, just out of the blue. Homesick for a place that didn't’ exist. At least here I kind of got it, sad for a girl who may or may not have ever grown up. There was more after her first journal entry, but it was just more recipes and things, and more of that squiggle script I had no idea how to read. On an impulse, I got out a notebook and copied down what letters I could make out, including the symbol on the front book plate. I wanted to look at it more later, when I was stuck at school, but I didn’t want to risk bringing the actual book there. It was so old, at least three hundred. Man, Brass totally shouldn’t have let me have this. I decided to call him and give him a hard time about it.

“Hey, Ki, is everything okay?”

I frowned at the concern in his voice. “Yes, Dad, I’m fine. I’m not always in mortal danger or whatever you seem to think.”

Brass snorted. “Well I assumed you had to be in trouble since you’re calling. Normally you just text.”

Oh. Right.

“Just wanted to chat,” I said, too casually, but he'd caught me off guard. I used to call Brass all the time. It was weird to realized I’d stopped. “I’ve been looking through that book you gave me.” When in doubt, change the subject.

“Yeah? Anything good?”

I heard the sound of a sliding glass door in the background, the tell-tale sign of Brass going out to sit on the back deck. He used to do it to be near the TV antenna, hoping it would give him better cell signal. Now it was just habit. I smiled, picturing him there, long and lanky and lean, back against the side of the house as he balanced on the deck railing, one long leg trailing down...

“Kiesha?”

“Hm?”

I made a startled little noise as I came back to myself. “Oh, right. Yeah, it’s pretty cool. Did you know it was so old? There’s an entry from the 1700’s in it.”

“Oh man, really?” He sounded equal parts excited and embarrassed. “I didn’t know that. Maybe I should let Mom look at it again...”

“No way,” I teased, “It’s mine now. Has my name in it and everything.”

“It has mine too.”

His voice was so soft I almost missed it. But I scanned the page and sure enough, Brassal was on a similar line as Kiesha.

“Weird... Almost as weird as your stupid name.”

I laughed to take the edge of, both from my words and from the creeping feeling working its way up my spine. Brass had always gone by the nickname, with Brassal being reserved for his father. I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me to see it in an old timey book like this; it had probably been handed down a long line of people, like Maeve’s super grandma name. But still. It freaked me, and when I got freaked, I teased. Make everyone else feel off balance and it was an even playing field again.

“Yeah, yeah, Cobriana. Tell me all about weird names.”

I stuck my tongue out, even though he couldn’t see. Still, it made me feel better. Sky blue, grass green, Brass and I teased. I had missed this. It was good to be getting it back.

“You wanna come over for pizza and movies Friday?”

It was out of my mouth before I’d really thought about it. But his hesitation made me wish I’d just kept railing on his stupid name.

“Uh, how ‘bout Saturday. I have... plans. For Friday.”

No way. No freakin way. “Don’t tell me you gave in to Izzy,” I said with a disinterest I didn’t quite feel. “You know she’s only sharpening her claws on you for a real takedown.”

“Don’t be like that, Ki. Isadora can do what she wants, with who she wants.”

I mocked “Isadora,” in as childish a tone as I could manage. No one called her that, not even Izzy herself. Except Landon. But Landon was cyborg and completely incapable of using contractions or imprecise grammar, like ever.

“And what she wants is apparently to play kissy face with Serv, for all the good that’ll do her.”

“Serv?!” I could not keep the surprise out of my voice. Serv was like, canonically asexual. Or at the very least, not interested in someone as bubblegum pop as Izzy.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Brass said. “I didn’t ask, not that that stopped her from volunteering. Apparently they’re driving into the city to see a show or something.”

“Okay....” Izzy on a date with Servos. What an odd couple. I couldn’t fathom what sort of attraction would hold interest for both of them. But then, if such a thing existed, it would be in the city, not in this whole in the wall town. We didn’t even have a mall. “Well, good for them, I guess. So what about your mysterious plans?”

Brass groaned. “I’d hoped you’d forgotten. ”

“Nope. Spill it.”

He sighed. “I’m going to the movies... with Syfka.”

I gaped. “You’re joking. You’re joking! Why on earth would you want to go to the movies with her--xem?”

I was normally better with Syfka’s pronouns than this, but it was hard not to think of anyone out on date with Brass as anything but a her--a her he might want to kiss. Trying to apply that mental box to Syfka, of all people--

“Because--” Brass cut through my thoughts, “we have a project due, and it was either write a paper on a French film, or try to speed read through a work of French literature that I have zero hope of understanding because its kind of my worst subject.”

Oh. Right. School stuff. A perfectly reasonable reason to go to the movies with someone.

“Right. Okay. Yeah. So, does that mean you need to stay in and write it on Saturday.”

Brass laughed, and I couldn’t help but feel like it was at my expense.

“Nah. Come Saturday night, I’ll either be done, or I’ll be failed. Either way, pizza and a movie sounds great.”

“Okay...”

I couldn’t shake the little tight feeling in my chest. This call had thrown me. Everything about Brass seemed to throw me lately.

“Why don’t you invite Nikki over too? Or maybe Maeve?”

My toes curled under at that last. Maeve may or may not have been the reason Brass and I finally broke up. I hadn’t decided yet. Either way, I couldn’t imagine him volunteering to hang out with her.

“I wouldn’t subject you to that....”

“Ki, I told you I’m alright with it. Have her over, see if you still feel all tingly.”

I laughed, but it was hardly humorous. “I can’t believe you’re encouraging me to get my flirt on in front of you.”

I could feel him shrug through the line, that careless raise of a shoulder that meant everything and nothing.

“You’re too shy to do it yourself. I’m just gonna keep inventing reasons to get you two together until you get over yourself. Or she asks you.”

“Brass!”

But now I was really laughing, and his goal was achieved. I felt better, so he felt better. Stupid big brother mother hen. I smiled through the rest of the phone call, chatting about everything and nothing, and feeling more like myself than I had in a long time.

Raev’s general tag list: As always, let me know if you want to be added or removed or whatevs (especially since this is kind of a far cry from what I usually do)

List is currently: @lordkingsmith @writinglyra @drbibliophile @mperialscribe @adie-dee @lexiklecksi @theramwrites @writinginslowmotion @faithfire @apollon-arium @thehellinsideyourhead @raenawrites @adventuresofacreesty @anika-writes.

#dasi high #kiesha'ra fanfic #kiesha cobriana #I've been threatening this hawksong fanfic for years #raev does fanfic

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blackgirlblues · 4 years

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Being A Black Girl: And Chasing Your Dreams.. Yikes.

Hi,

It’s me, your resident black girl back with some new shit to rant about. I’ve been posting a few screenshots of short poems and paragraphs I’ve been writing on my phone as a way to heal and get over Capricorn boy from my last post on here and I see you guys like and reblog. Thank you for showing love, although it makes me sad that so many of you seem to be going through the same range of emotions I am. I’m sorry.

I know it’s a lonely place to be in.

But, on the bright side, I’ve got a lot of new followers joining the diary/manual/rant page that is blackgirlology and it’s nice cause I think it’s becoming a little bit of a community. So, in a way, were never really going through any of these emotions alone. If you’ve found this page-you’re part of a community. Bask in it.

Anyways, that aside, a lot has happened since I last spoke to you. I don’t know if any of you may remember, and for some new people this will be a surprise. But I’m actually a singer songwriter from Ireland. Moved to London a year and a half ago to pursue my music dream and that’s how I met Capricorn boy whos been the source of all my poems.

Throughout this time in between, I’ve been trying to chase my dreams, and chase them relentlessly. and this summer i did just that, let me tell you, what im about to tell you guys, is to put it simply, wild. I’ll just cut to the chase.

It all started in July. I’d been in London for quite a long time now, over a year and now have a manager who’s my best friend first and foremost. We’ll call her Maya. I met her in my first week of moving to London in the student halls I was staying at and we became best friends pretty quick. She studies music business, so it made sense and she just naturally ended up taking up the role as my music manager. Shes seen everything. The songs I wrote about Capricorn boy, the tears, everything. And she saw everything this summer.

I saw an ad for a record label opportunity in London. It was advertised on my university facebook page; a new indie label, looking for demo submissions for a competition they were setting up to find their new signee. I sent a screenshot to Maya who agreed I should send my stuff in. I did, they liked it, I got a meeting, we were sent terms and conditions for the competition. We signed it, the rest was supposed to be history.

Big yikes.

There’s so many layers to this story that I will be shortening it, just because it can get very draining for me to talk about or even write about. I’ve healed from it i think, but I still want to put it here and write it about to finally close that chapter and be done with my feelings about what happened to me and my music.

Basically, the whole competition, the record label, the dickhead CEO, it was all a scam. I had accidentally signed away the master rights to my new song to a record label started by a fake CEO who was committing fraud and known for tricking young artists into handing over their master rights so he could profit off of them, for power.

It was a mess. Another contestant told me and Maya when we were outside of their office. Just minutes before we were under the impression that I was doing an interview for Billboard Magazine. Honestly, I never truly believed it. Shit was too good to be true.

But she told us everything. How he was actually a run away from Spain, where he was caught and exposed for doing the exact same thing to artists there, how he didn’t have any money to fund the competition he had somehow roped all of us into, how he was illegally avoiding paying his team, how none of the creatives we had collaborated with for photoshoots etc were paid, how everything was a lie, how he didnt have any connections, and how he was trying to convince me specifically to sign a 360 deal with his label.

Which, guys, I’m not stupid. After the first week of being with the label for the competition and letting my song live through their disastrous marketing campaign, Maya and I long decided that regardless of what they said, I would not under any circumstances be signing anything with any entity of their company.

After being told the truth, I had to sit down. You see, when I came across this opportunity, I thought this was finally the life I’d been manifesting coming true. I had begun to grow in my spirituality and start journaling, writing down my manifestations, and getting to work with a record label who would later offer me a fair contract before I turn 20 was one of the manifestations I had written down every night before I went to bed. However, what I’d gotten was the exact opposite.

I remember, me, Maya, and 2 of the girls from the competition all stood around in a circle outside of their new office that the CEO also hadnt paid for wondering what our next move would be with this new information. There was still 2 other contestants inside who had no idea what was really going on was an elaborate scam. One of them wanted to go in and expose them on the spot. I said no, we had to go in and pretend like everything was normal until we figured out what to do afterwards.

So in I went, plastering the fakest smile on my face and pretended like I still thought I was about to be speaking with Billboard Magazine. Once I got out, I broke down in Maya’s arms.

I went home to my flatmates, Ellie and Bea and cried for hours before I had to go work a 7 hour shift at a pizza place.

I stayed in bed, and cried, and cried. and cried again. I didn’t get out of bed unless I needed too. The only people I talked too were my flatmates E and B and Maya.

Everything was sorted out eventually, a lot more happened, but as I’ve been writing this article for you guys, I realised that all of that stuff is no longer relevant to my journey and isnt something I want to bring back into my energetic circle because I’ve made peace with the fact that a lot of people who betrayed me when I was at my lowest, peace with the fact that these contestants who wanted to “work together” to get out of this mess, actually wanted to save their own asses and leave me in the cold.

But I still got out of it and I’m still here.

I nearly got sued by a man with less than 20 pound to his company account online, but hey, I’m here.

I guess why I’m telling you guys this really short account of my summer is to both record it for myself but also to say its okay to flop, its okay to fail. I did both this summer. and thank god i did. it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

following your dreams is scary, doing it as a black girl is terrifying because society has already kind of set you up to fail. there’s already misconceptions about what you do, who you are, where you come from and how good you’re going to be at what you do. its almost like we cant fail and we need to work 10 times harder to obtain half of what the average white person will get. and sometimes it can feel like we dont have any space to fail or make mistakes because of this but let me tell you thats not true.

if anything, the universe will put you in places that will force you to grow through the mistakes you make. and thats exactly what happened to me this summer.

i chased my dream so relentlessly i ended up in an environment i thought i manifested, i thought was good for me, only for the universe to show me that that specific environment i’d been wishing to be in is the furthest from what i need right now in my life.

this so called failure showed me that not everybody who smiles can be trusted, and that people can be way more deceiving than i ever thought, especially when push comes to shove and they need to save themselves. you start to see the real them when it starts to get tense. the people who seem to be around you when you’re doing good will most likely dissapear when things start to go south, including some of your oldest friends. you will get radio silence on their end. be upset. cry. but after that be glad that this situation revealed their true colours.

and then never put any more energy into them again.

this failure showed me how fucking strong i am. how resilient and kind i am even in the face of disrespect and actual evil. it showed me how much i can care for someone who i believe is at a risk of losing it all, and showed me that this will not always be reciprocated. and for a while i thought that meant that i had to harden myself up and grow a shell. but i dont think so. i will not allow the things ive been through to make me into a hard person when i was born soft. i mean now, im a little rough around the edges, jagged enough to cut anyone who comes too close with some of that bad energy, but soft enough to hold myself tight and glue myself back together when i need to. soft enough to hold the people who held me this summer. soft enough to help people who i know deserve it.

im a good person in a shitty world, i don’t need to match the world and become a shitty person to survive.

after all of this happened, i stopped writing music.

i haven’t written anything properly or produced anything in months and sometimes i get worried that ive completely lost my talent. but thats another thing that this failure taught me, i can never truly lose whats meant to be mine. i know that i was put on this earth to create change, to inspire, to be an activist and a voice for people who dont have one. i know i was put here to do it through a creative medium and right now i still think that is music.

i think i just need to stop being so scared to start again, to learn my craft again.

i used to be so scared of failure but now i am so thankful for it and the lessons its taught me. i had so much hurt and pain and hatred in my heart for the universe for, in my head, doing this to me. but then i realised that the universe never does anything to you, it does it for you. all of this happened in my best interest and while i definitely didnt understand at the time, i get it now.

thank you universe for the worst summer of my life.

and my black ass will be continuing to chase my dreams relentlessly, failing, tripping and falling on my ass until i get to the very top.

besides, if everything had just gone right, that wouldnt have been very interesting, would it?

#blackgirlology #black girl #black power #black love #black blogger #Black Blogs #music #blog #blogger #journal #journaling #diary entry #diary of a black girl #diary #dear diary #tumblr diary #dreams

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yayninjabob · 4 years

Text

A story behind a story

I have never wrote 100,000 words of anything in my life and 9 months ago when I first sat down to write Villain: Redux I definitely did NOT anticipate the length it would reach by the end of Part I. Now that it is done though I feel like I can talk about it. Well not really the story but the story behind the story?

A very lengthy and personal author's note for Part I: Remote Control

How I started writing again: My relationship with my writing was non existent for years. I honestly went through a very long drought where I felt like everything I created just sucked so bad and I had zero motivation for creating shit. I would talk with my therapist or my wife and friends about feeling so out of touch with my creative side and feeling pretty lost without it. Really, I pretty much felt like it was dead forever. I eventually started a personal journal again... And little drabbles here and there would come to mind... It felt alright but meh. "What did you enjoy about writing that you still feel is missing?" I was asked. Ffffffuck me I dont know. Writing as a teen and in my early twenties wasn't something I ever thought about even when I did it every damn day of my life. I guess I missed having that ongoing plot in the back of my head that I could escape to whenever life was lame. Daydreaming crazy stories as a kid was just my favorite past time and writing went with it. But I just didnt have any more stories in my head. Nothing new or exciting enough at least. Anyways. January was my dads bday. 2019 and that year my dad asked for something. Now my dad isn't one to ask for gifts. No, normally he is extremely frustrating and expects everyone to read his mind while saying "I dont care" yet if his gifts dont meet his secretive expectations he gets all butthurt and emo and says that nobody knows him. Ok but January 2019 he asks me to write him something. "What? A story? A poem? A birthday card?" "I dont care just write me something." Typical. "I dont care." Yeah right. What the hell does he expect from me jeez.... My dad was the OG storyteller in my life- real shit or bullshit- he could spin a crazy story like no one else. My uncles and his friends would sit around smoking and drinking and listening to one wild tale after the next. He could entertain people for HOURS just with the shit he’d say. I always thought he'd make a brilliant stand up comedian but my dad would just laugh at the idea. So for his gift I figured I'd retell one of his personal wild tales - his first encounter with a mountain lion at 12 during a hunting trip with my late great uncle Joe who was his adoptive father figure. Honestly my dad was always so incredibly descriptive and I heard that tale about a bazillion times growing up, and even though he hadnt shared it in probably 15+ years, it was easy to recall. I could just close my eyes and see it clear as day. I stayed loyal to his story but I used my own words. It really surprised me how easy I found those words though. Writing had been such an impossible challenge for so long yet when I finished the short story I had written 12 pages in a single afternoon and I was shocked but in a good way. It was his story so I was pretty sure he would like it. He's got a pretty big ego lol. I typed it up on the typewriter my dad had gotten me back when I was a teen and serious about becoming a "real writer." I figured he would appreciate that. I gave him the story on his birthday. He didnt read it right away. We went to the backyard and the two of us shared a joint and while I started chasing the dogs in the yard for a bit I saw he finally picked the story up. And when he finished he started crying. Which is always weird when it's your dad right? He isn't one to cry easily. Last time I saw tears in his eyes was three years prior at my wedding but even that wasnt like this. He told me "You need to write again. You need to try." But I still felt like I couldn't. I never really thought I was good at it anyway. Sure, people told me they liked my writing and it meant a lot that my dad was moved so much by my short story that I started to believe “hey maybe I can write,” but... I dunno. I had a rough idea for an original novel that I sat down with later that month and tried to work out... But it just felt forced and uninteresting. It wasnt a story my mind could just escape to effortlessly. The passion just wasnt there. After a while my wife suggested to me "Well when you retold your dad's story that was easier right? Maybe you should retell another story that you love." And so in August 2019 I sat down and wrote what would eventually become the scarring scene for Villain: Redux

Part I: Remote Control I spent the rest of August, September and October slowly falling back into my old world of Villain. I reread both Villain and VillainE for the first time in yeeeeeears. What. A. Trip. So much stood out to me that was like "Ok young me, I see where you were going but this could be so much better." I made my list of what I liked and what I wanted to change.. Constructed my outline and then I just went for it. Halloween night that year was spent finishing my first draft of chapter 1. It was still in Buttercup's limited POV. I liked it OK enough but I wondered if it would be improved if I tried third person instead. I said "fuck it why not" and went for it again but in third person, adding the beginning history of Townsville and then the opening scene with Mojo. When I finished it I was pretty amused with it and I found myself just starting right away on chapter 2 and adding even more details to my overall outline- it became a trilogy. It was flowing SO easy and for once writing didnt feel like some forced chore I was performing. The entire time though I debated whether or not to share any of it. I didn't think anyone would read it. But personally, I was falling in love with my new rendition and I really didn't want to stop writing it. So once again I said "fuck it why not" and I started this tumblr to start documenting my new commitment to rewriting Villain for good. I edited the first chapter and uploaded it a couple days before Thanksgiving. And the support I got from readers honestly made me cry haha... I really really thought the story would go unnoticed. After all, when I first started writing for the PpG fandom it was always an uphill battle and 90 percent of my first reviews were just flames and criticism. The original Villain really took a while to gain much of a readership and even though it had its moment of somewhat popularity in the fandom, that moment came after it was completed. A brief glance at the PpG section on FFnet showed me that things really hadnt changed- still 99 percent PpGxRrB romances. Man, it just seemed so unfair. I freaking love this show and TBH I will never understand the fandom's fixation on those damn Rowdyruffs. Whatever. It is what it is. But because of that and because I hadnt been an active writer in the fandom for like a decade I really thought I'd be lucky to get one review. And I did! On the first day! And I was PUMPED lol. Then over the next couple of days I got more and most from names I recognized from the past! I was so touched by some of the things you guys said, you will have no idea what those first 7 reviews meant to me. And of course the reviews to follow throughout the next chapters only continued to motivate me further. And now I'm done with Part I. Jeez what a freaking journey. I feel like I've learned a lot though and I hope that the story only improves from here. Today, this story invades my subconscious more than I would like to admit. But. It is so nice to have an exciting story to escape to once more. And I feel like I can say that my creative drive is finally restored again which feels amazing. Who knew it would be this rewrite of all things to do it. So yeah. I owe the biggest thanks to my readers (the reviewers especially), my wife, and of course my dad. I know we are just at the beginning of this story, but personally I just feel like I've accomplished more than I could've imagined already... like I said... 100,000 words is something I’ve never done before lol. And I cant wait to share the rest of the story with everyone. Anyways that’s my long soppy backstory on how I decided to rewrite Villain. Thanks for reading. :)

#writing #fanfic #behindthescenes #personal #villain #villainR #yayninjabob #PPG fandom #ppg fanfic #family

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pinesconessecrets · 5 years

Text

Ice to Meet You

Merry Christmas @ladynightmare12 ! I hope you enjoy the fic!! <: I had a lot of fun with the soulmate AU, since it’s something I’ve always enjoyed. I combined it with the first meetings AU too. Have a great Christmas! <3

****

Wirt had given up on trying to find his soulmate when he was thirteen. He still remembered the conversation that came after he mentioned it to his mom. She had choked on her tea, wheezing until she’d managed to regain control of herself again. Then began the spiel about, “Oh, sweetie. You’ll meet her at some point in your life, don’t give up now!” and Wirt just sighed. Internally, of course. He didn’t want to upset his mom any further. A good bit of everyone in his grade had found their soulmate, leaving Wirt feeling terribly alone. Sara tried to comfort him, except she ran into her soulmate a few months later; it was some guy named Brian. That was a fun day.

He was a little more than relieved to graduate high school, which meant moving away to a college in a different state. A college in Oregon had caught his eye and he applied, half expecting to get denied. But lo and behold, the college actually accepted him and even had a full ride scholarship too.

Greg was against Wirt moving across the country when he broke the news. Wirt reassured him that he would call every day and keep in touch. He wouldn’t be left out just because Wirt didn’t live in the same house anymore.

Wirt enjoyed the trip to Oregon. His parents rented a small u-Haul for the stuff Wirt could take to put in his dorm. He was lucky enough to score a single person room, complete with his own bathroom. He didn’t think he could have managed if he had to share a dorm and a bathroom, much less having to suffer from public bathrooms.

They made the drive out to be like a mini vacation, taking their time since they left a few days early. Wirt’s nerves almost got the best of him a few times, the realization of him living somewhere that wasn’t with his mom and stepdad. Thankfully Greg managed to quickly distract him before he grew too anxious, eerily able to quickly figure out when his nerves were beginning to act up.

With the help of everyone, it didn’t take long before Wirt’s room was set up. He still had a few things to tweak here and there, like moving his desk closer to the window and hanging up his poems on the walls. He didn’t have much time to be particularly picky about how his room was set up with his parents and brother around.

They stayed in town for a few days, exploring the place with Wirt in tow. It definitely was a college town considering the absurd amount of fast food restaurants around. Like seriously, who needed this many fast food places? At least there were a few cafes for Wirt to hang out in. Cafes were pretty sweet places to chill at and they had a great effect on Wirt when it came to writing poetry. He was excited about that.

Tears were shed by his mom and Greg on the day they had to leave. Greg made Wirt promise to call him every day, and that was a rock fact. Wirt lingered in the parking lot for a bit longer than he intended, staring off into space before letting out a long sigh. He hoped he would be able to survive the semester before Christmas break. His next adventure in life had begun, only to bring challenges he had no way to prepare for.

Wirt got to studying diligently when the semester began. The majority of his classes were the core classes every freshman were required to take, including math. Thank god that he only needed to take two semesters of it due to his major in English. Math was one of his most detested classes; it was the worst. Maybe he was being overly dramatic, but Wirt would rather prefer to listen to someone scrape their nails on a chalkboard repeatedly for hours than be stuck in math class for even an hour. The entire point was above him, and the fact that other kids were majoring in math just blew his mind. They were to be feared.

The semester started out slow but picked up steam as the weeks went on. Midterms came and went, letting Wirt breathe a sigh of relief when his passing grades were posted.

He video called Greg before he went out trick or treating on Halloween, both happy and mortified that Greg decided to go as a garden gnome. Their trip to the Unknown was still very present in their minds years after it happened. At least now it was easier to deal with, and they didn’t have to worry about being sent into a fit of panic when winter rolled around anymore. Wirt admitted that Greg wore the outfit far better than he did, earning a protest of “No, you wore it better!” from Greg. They bickered back and forth until their mom told them to knock it out or else Greg wouldn’t be getting any candy that year. That shut Greg up and he hastily told Wirt goodbye and that he’d show him how much candy he got before going to bed.

Wirt found himself growing progressively more stressed as the end of the semester rolled around. His professors shoved study guides down their student’s throats and made it very clear that passing their finals would make or break their grades. Wirt found himself spending more and more time at his favorite cafe. He would have been surprised that he hadn’t drunk all of their tea if he wasn’t so stressed about passing his finals.

A week before finals, the unthinkable happened.

Wirt was on his way to the Jasmine Brew Cafe, lost in thought about his upcoming math final. It was the one he dreaded the most, and rightfully so. Other students in his class struggled as much as he did. The professor didn’t know how to break down the lesson so other kids could understand what he was trying to teach. Wirt barely managed to understand what the heck he was talking about most the time, and he hoped it would be enough.

Of course, the dork was so lost in thought that he wasn’t watching where he was walking. His foot made contact with frozen ice on the sidewalk, causing him to slip and fall down to the pavement. Wirt miraculously held onto his notebooks, laying on his back, winded from his fall.

Someone with unruly brown hair peered down at him with a look of mild concern. Wirt wished he could turn invisible because he knew that everyone around him saw what just happened.

“Hi there. It’s ice to meet you finally.” The other boy paused, before continuing. “I hope that’s not weird? I’ve seen you around campus before and I noticed you were always alone and I was going to say hi but I always got distracted and oh my god I’m sorry I’m kinda rambling. I tend to do that a lot and my sister always punches me and yep I’m gonna shut up now.”

Wirt’s wrist burned. That was what his stupid soulmate mark said. ‘Hi there, it’s ice to meet you finally.’

He wanted to say something witty back, but all that could come out of his mouth was, “Was that a motherfucking pun?” He rarely cussed, but dangit he was sleep deprived and angry that he was stupid enough to fall and slip on ice.

The other boy blanched, his extended hand frozen in shock. Wirt shuffled to his feet, clutching his notebooks to his chest. An awkward silence enveloped the two, only to be broken by the other boy.

“Do you want to go somewhere warm? Get some coffee or something?”

Wirt broke free of his surprise. “Uh, um, sure. I was heading to the Jasmine Brew Cafe to get some studying done. It’s right up the street here.”

“Cool. I’ve only been there once or twice, so lead the way.” He stuck his hands in his pockets, looking at Wirt expectantly.

“Right.” Wirt turned on his heels and began walking to the cafe, fidgeting with the spiral of a notebook. He knew that he was probably acting slightly like a jerk. Okay, a lot like a jerk. He had spent the majority of his teenage years resenting the idea of soulmates, knowing he’d never find his and that he’d live the rest of his life alone. But look what happened. He ran into his soulmate.

The rush of warm air made Wirt feel grateful for heating, heading to his usual spot by the wall. He sat with his back to the wall, and a large window to his left. Being able to look out into the street helped declutter his mind.

He almost relaxed, until the other boy - his soulmate - slid into the chair across from him. He looked as nervous as Wirt was.

“I’m Dipper, by the way. I don’t think I introduced myself yet.”

“Wirt. It’s um, nice to meet you, I guess,” he mumbled, his awkwardness hitting him like a fricking train. Now that the fact that yep, him finding his soulmate was a thing, was starting to sink in, a feeling of panic also begun to set in too.

“Hey, are you okay? You look like you’re freaking out there a little. I mean, I’m kinda freaking out too, but that’s because I’m super pumped to have finally run into my soulmate.” Dipper looked giddy almost.

Wirt chewed on a nail. “Y-yeah, I’m okay. It’s just… I gave up on finding my soulmate years ago, so I never thought I would actually run into them. I hope you don’t think I’m a jerk or anything because oh my god I feel so bad for being cold to you.”

When Dipper was silent, Wirt looked up to find him holding back a snicker. With the biggest shit eating grin, Dipper replied, “Was that a motherfucking pun?”

“Oh my god.” Wirt groaned, dropping his face into his hands. “Do not use my own words against me.”

“Kinda hard to considering they’re right here.” Dipper rolled his sleeve back, revealing the words scrawled across his arm. God, they were even in Wirt’s own handwriting. How crazy was that?

Wirt reached out to touch the words on Dipper’s arm, stopping short once he realized what he was about to do. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I know it’s a lot to take in. But I don’t mind if you wanna take a closer look at them.” His voice was quiet.

Figuring that he may as well roll with the punches, Wirt pulled his own sleeve back, exposing Dipper’s godawful pun written on the inside of his forearm. Dipper didn’t hesitate before running his fingers over Wirt’s pale skin, tracing the scratchy letters of his own handwriting. It looked different from his own, his letters rushed and hurried versus the flowing loops of Wirt’s.

Wirt finally caved and traced the words on Dipper’s arm. The two dorks sat in silence, no words needing to be exchanged as they let the importance of the day truly sink in.

The corners of Dipper’s mouth quirked up in a grin after a while. “So, did you wanna get a coffee and chat? And maybe tell me how you’ve bean all these years.”

Wirt had a feeling the puns weren’t ever going to stop.

#Pinescone #Pinescone Secret Santa #Pinescone Secret Santa 2018 #Wirt #Dipper #OTGW #GF #submission

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richietozierluv · 6 years

Text

valentine’s day - (richie tozier) part 1 of 2

part 2

Pairing: Richie Tozier x Reader

Summary: You and Richie were... to say the least, ‘hanging out’. But sooner or later someone was bound to catch feelings, and sooner or later the others would find out.

Author’s Note: I know this is super, super late. LIKE SUPER LATE. But dear god I’ve been so busy with assignments and I’ve been so tired, but I thought I’d make it up to you guys by making it a two parter?

Request/s: @cyborgfromthesupermarket HELLOOOO I FRICKING LOVE YOU YOU ARE ONE OF THE BEST BLOGS OUT THERE AND I WAS HOPING YOU COULD DO A REQUEST WHERE Is like valentines day and richie and reader are together and like their school is doing this roses exchange and like all the girls in the class are getting roses except for y/n bc richie forgot to buy them and like y/n doesn't care but richie feels bad and like makes something amazing to compensate it (sorry if its weird)

@queenpheebs the losers club catches the reader and Richie making out PS YOU DONT HAVE TO DO IT IF YOU WANT

Word Count: 2,163

Warnings: Swearing

For the most part, you couldn’t give a rat’s ass about ‘that day in February’, and even more so, each year it only became harder to pretend to enjoy Beverly’s take on her date with Bill and all the things he’d gotten her. You didn’t understand how she came to be this person who enjoyed flowers, teddy bears and corny shit; until now. If it hadn’t been for the others catching you making out with Richie Tozier in the school bathrooms, you wouldn’t be bouncing on your feet as you walked home, wondering if this finally meant you’d receive the sappy card, and disgusting box of chocolates you hadn’t realized you’d wanted until now.

It had all started a few weeks ago when you found yourself blushing at his dirty jokes rather than cursing him out for them. While alone, your insults towards each other became endearing compliments, sparks between each hand touch, and the mere act of you calling Richie ‘pretty’, enough to make him flustered and duck inside, so as not for you to see him laugh and smile. But of course, instead of confronting his feelings, Richie did the next worst thing. He kissed you.

For a while, that steadied both of your heartbeats, and everything seemed normal between the two of you. You stopped blushing at all of his jokes, and he could even stand to look at you without imagining you as the future Mrs Tozier. But only with the weekly occurrence of a make out session to keep your feelings (and lips) intact.

This had soon become a daily routine. Wake up, hang with friends, ‘go separate ways’, and kiss Richie. Wake up, hang with friends, ‘go separate ways’, and kiss Richie. On and on, until he found every excuse to get you alone and away from the others, not wasting a moment as soon as you were both out of sight to grab your face and go at it. Of course you’d both wondered if it’d be easier if you just told the group that you guys were a ‘thing’, but with that came the question of whether or not you were actually a ‘thing’. The topic had come up dozens of times, but neither of you had the guts to tell one another that you thought you were falling in love. Which brings us to you making out in the school bathrooms. After a month of holding hands under desks, sneaking around to the bike racks, and teasing each other in the school hallways, someone was bound to break character. It came as no surprise that it was Richie.

“Richie, what are you doing?” you were pulled through the crowd of students, half laughing, half thinking, this little shit is going to get us caught. “Rich, I need to go get my notes from Mike,”

“Like hell you need to,” he turned around, still pushing through the crowd, “you’ve already got with you the best tutor in Derry,” he winked. Ben stood by Beverly’s locker, watching Richie pull you along as a note slipped through his hands and through the grates in the metal, his eyes following after you as Richie turned into an empty classroom.

“I think I only have it in me to say this once, so- wait,” he made his way over to where you stood leaning on a desk and pulled you close into his arms, kissing you slowly, and for once being the first one to pull away. You smiled at him adoringly, as he opened and closed his mouth, playing nervously with his hands.

“If this is your way of getting us both a detention so that we have an excuse to stay late after school, can I just suggest something else? Come over to mine Rich, my school record’s bad enough as it is.”

He started to pace in front of you, and unknowingly, Ben watched through the classroom window.

“Y/n, I- I really like what we’ve got going on,” his face turned red, “but I reckon even if I kissed every girl I met, I’d still want to end the day kissing you.”

You bit back a smile, shaking your head, “Is this your way of telling me that you like me?”

“It could be- but- pfft, if you don’t think that’s rad or whatever, then I totally didn’t mean it,”

“You’re a dick, Trashmouth.”

His face fell, and in an attempt to laugh it off, he choked on his own spit.

“An absolute div,” you stepped towards him and took hold of his hand. He quickly realised what was happening, and tried to relieve himself of his coughing fit, unable to breathe in complete awe that you actually might like him back. For more than my hot piece of ass, he thought.

“You’re out of bounds!” the teacher’s high heels clicked against the linoleum, and Ben jumped, both at the sight of Richie sticking his tongue down your throat, and at the shrill voice coming towards him.

“I- I was just looking for a friend,” he stammered, falling back from the classroom door and making a point to squint down the hallway behind himself.

“I’ll let your friend know you were looking for them as I’m giving them a detention. Go to lunch.”

Ben found himself stuck, just as you did against Richie, not knowing whether to warn you both or take a chance that she wouldn’t look through the window. Luckily, you’d taken a moment to breathe, and had pulled yourself away from him, only to notice the lack of light in the classroom, and Ben’s shadow being the source.

“Oh shit!” you ducked down and crawled behind the teacher’s desk, pointing at the door when Richie hadn’t followed suit. Despite feeling a little claustrophobic and hot waiting for the coast to be clear, Richie found himself too excited with the prospect of your legs against his, and whispered, “I really, really think I’m falling for you Y/n,”

“Are you kidding me Richie? Is now really the time?”

“It’s only Ben- and now that we, y’know, said some things…”

“There’s a teacher too, you dweeb,” you glared at him. But then you both found yourselves in a fit of laughter, eyes scrunched up, faces red, and spitting everywhere. And if circumstances were different, you would’ve said, “I think I’m falling for you too Rich.”

Light spilled on to the floor, catching Richie’s shoe, but as the teacher stepped into the room she was distracted by the broken light switch, cursing under her breath. Richie pulled his knees together, bumping his head against the desk and although he couldn’t see, earned an obscene hand gesture from you, and a muttered, “for fucks sake Richie, any longer and I would’ve personally shoved your knees so far up your ass-“

The sound of heels clicking against the floor grew further and further away, so you both stood up from under the desk and stared at each other in the little light that was left in the room. You were angry at him, not for any reason in particular, but god knows what your parents would’ve said if you’d gotten another detention, and even worse, for sneaking around with a boy.

“It’s not my fault my legs hit a growth spurt before any other part of my body,” he said, this time earning a kick in the shins before you headed towards the door.

“Whatever,” you peered into the hallway, stepping out as the high heels disappeared into another classroom a few doors down, “do you just wanna go make out in the bathrooms?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Ben was quiet all through lunch, not having touched his food, unable to decide what he thought about the whole ‘you and Richie’ situation. He’d looked up just as the seventh spitball landed on his shoulder, coming face to face with Mike, who was waving his hand comically in front of him.

“Anyone in there Haystack?” he turned to the others and shrugged his shoulders. Beverly’s next spitball landed on the end of Ben’s nose, and even though that hadn’t shaken him from his thoughts, the boys cheering loudly in his ears certainly did. His lunch tray jumped out of his hands and fell flat on to the table, not looking any worse for wear.

“You thinking about writing me another poem this year?” Bev nudged his foot with hers, smiling sweetly, and although his face turned red, he confidently said, “Don’t sweat it, Bev.”

“How ‘bout y-you Stan? And p-plans for the big d-d-day?”

“It never changes Big Bill. I’ve got a date with my binoculars,” Stan didn’t look up from the book he was reading.

“Oh so you and Richie are finally going to third base?” Eddie laughed, and a perfectly timed spitball landed in his open mouth; another round of applause for Beverly as Eddie’s face turned significantly whiter than before, and he found himself retching to the side of the lunch table.

In all the commotion, Ben almost couldn’t be heard, “I saw Y/n and Richie making out upstairs.” Almost.

It was as if everyone had swallowed a spit ball at once, Beverly hitting Stan on the back as he choked on his shock, and Mike falling so far back in his chair that the entire lunch room now watched and stared at the back of his head meeting the ground with a loud THUD. Bill was the first to speak, for once without a stutter, and in one breath, “Sorry, I thought you just said that you saw Y/n and Richie making out?”

“I think so,” Ben’s face flushed red again as all eyes turned on him, “the room was pretty dark, and some teacher told me to get lost, but for the most part? It all makes sense doesn’t it?”

Eddie sat up, the swig of water doing nothing to help his now raspy voice, “What do you mean?”

“They’re always coincidentally leaving at the same time. And Richie’s altogether stopped being a div recently-“

“He hasn’t stopped fucking with me!”

“Yeah well, Eddie, you’re too easy of a target,” Mike said apologetically.

While they listed off the all too obvious signs that they’d somehow missed, Richie pushed you against the door to the girl’s bathroom, hardly able to see where he was going with your face against his.

Your hand became tangled in his hair, and unable to let go in the heat of the moment, pulled him closer, as you both backed into the closest stall. The same one Beverly had tagged three years ago; BM + BD.

“I-I’m gonna g-g-go look for th-them,” Bill stood up, and despite Ben begging him not to, the losers soon found themselves looking into the window of the classroom you’d just escaped from. “I thought y-you said they w-were in here?”

Before Mike could say that maybe the teacher had found you, Richie had fallen on top of you and you’d both cursed as your limbs hit the porcelain toilet, and your heads knocked together. Stan looked round at the others, as if he were looking into a camera, unable to believe that after all this sneaking around, you let yourselves get caught by being complete loud-mouthed idiots.

You looked at Richie, as though in a brand new light. The bathroom windows cast a yellow reflection across his face, and his cheeks began to burn. He pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose and covered his eyes from the sun, cocking his head. “What are you looking at me like that for?”

“I just really like you Richie Tozier,” and you pulled him forward by his collar, kissing him once again. Your head hit the side of the stall wall at the sound of a cough, and when your eyes met with Ben’s, he shrugged and mouthed a ‘sorry’.

“Fucking Tozier and Y/l/n, should’ve seen it coming,” said Beverly, looking at you with a mixture of ‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me,’ and ‘it’s about time!’ lending you a hand to stand up. You were pulled down by your legs, still tangled with Richie’s, again and again, thanking god that the others, apart from Stan, stared at anything else but you. Richie stood up next to you, and it felt as if you could cut the tension with a knife. No one knew what to say. For as long as you’d all known each other, it’d become a custom to assume that nothing would change. But this, Stan finally couldn’t stand it any longer.

“How long has this been going on exactly? Because last time I checked, you were at each other’s throats for an entirely different reason,” he crossed his arms.

“Uh, I – we,” Richie looked to you, hand on the back of his neck, “a few months?”

“WHAT?!” Stan, Bev, and Bill yelled altogether. Mike had to take a step back, only now just realising Richie’s hand was holding yours behind him.

an: I’LL GO INTO MORE DETAIL IN THE NEXT PART BUT I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW LONG THIS WAS UNTIL I GLANCED OVER AT THE WORD COUNT, anyways for those who requested, thank you for being so patient! Again, I’m super sorry for the delay, but I’ll work on the next part asap

tagged: @riverdalerebel @johnsonxstilinski @littlepaperaeroplanes @tn22220-blog @goshdarnitthatsalongname @beepbeeprichtozier @emmaamalie

#richie tozier #richie tozier imagine #richie tozier x reader #richietozierluv #IT movie #it cast #it cast imagine #finn wolfhard #finn wolfhard x reader #finn wolfhard imagine #stranger things #stranger things imagine #stranger things cast imagine #mike wheeler #mike wheeler imagine #mike wheeler x reader #valentine's day

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patton-croc-agenda · 6 years

Text

Completely Unrelated Ch.3

A/N: HA double update! I don’t actually have an update schedule so I’ll upload as many or as few chapters as I want and y’all get to suffer.

Also this one is really short. The next one will probably be up tomorrow since I really want to work on it.

First: Chapter 1 | Next: N/A | Previous: Chapter 2

Warnings: Very light angst

Pairings: None

Logan did not procrastinate. All of his time was solely dedicated to getting things done in a timely, and on schedule manner. And so Logan shuffling and reshuffling his papers, over and over, was obviously a needed activity. As was rearranging his already perfectly sorted pens and books on his large desk. He was most certainly not avoiding practicing his big speech that he had to present tomorrow, or thinking about his cooking test in home economics, or his creative writing prompt he had yet to complete.

“I think you’ve reorganized them enough, kid,” a voice behind him said. Logan spun in his chair to see his father, who walked in and sat down gently on Logan’s bed, setting a tray down on the nightstand that held grilled cheese. Logan sighed and shook his head, shuffling the papers again, to which his father raised an eyebrow.

“Just making sure,” Logan muttered, avoiding eye contact. His father rolled his eyes and patted the bed next to him, an invitation for Logan to come over. Logan hesitated in his chair a moment before getting up and sinking down next to his father, who passed him the grilled cheese he had brought. Logan quietly ate as his father began to talk about his day. Once he had finished his dinner, Logan’s father sighed and affectionately ruffled his hair.

“Now tell me, what’s up?” his father inquired gently. Logan pulled his knees up to his chest, feeling like he had back when he was seven and had encountered the first math problem he couldn’t solve on his own.

“It’s...I have this project due tomorrow, a test, and a speech,” Logan muttered. His dad raised an eyebrow, inquiring why this was causing his son distress. Logan knew he rarely asked his dad for academic help, as he was probably more astute than his father was.

“Well, the project is creative writing,” Logan started. His father nodded.

“Could it be a poem?”

“No, it has to be a short story,” Logan sighed. His father hummed thoughtfully.

“What about the others? The project and the speech?” his father asked. Logan let out a huff.

“The test is on cooking,” Logan said, causing his father to snort a little.

“I see why you’re concerned.”

“My cooking isn’t tha- no, you’re right it’s pretty awful,” Logan cut off his own defense in favor of a helpless shrug.

“Alright, the speech? You’re great at speeches,” his father said, slinging an arm over his shoulder.

“It’s a speech about a topic you’re passionate about,” Logan said, voice blank. His father blinked, not saying anything before bursting into chuckles.

“What? Why are you laughing?!” Logan asked, incredulously. His father attempted to hide his laughter with a couple fake coughs.

“Sorry- sorry, kid, it’s just,” he wheezed, “you’re passionate about a-a lot of things you just...aren’t great at showing it,” he said, wiping his eyes. Logan scowled.

“I know, that’s the issue I have at hand! The speech is already written out, of course, but when I did a practice version for my teacher today, she said I needed to…’emote’ more,” Logan grumbled. His father gave a gentle smile and punched him in the arm.

“Look, I know emotions aren’t your strong suit-”

“The bane of my existence,” Logan reminded.

“Yes, I’ve heard,” his father said, almost fondly- probably remembering the first time the phrase had been uttered, when Logan at age twelve began screaming into his pillow about his first and only crush (which his father sadly couldn’t relate to, so he just sat on Logan’s bed rubbing his son’s back comfortingly).

“But as I was saying, it can’t be worth all the points on your speech, and kid you don’t need to get 100% on every single assignment or test. Yeah, I’d prefer you don’t fail your cooking test, but if you do don’t sweat it! You doing your best and being yourself is the closest thing I’ll ever get to feeling love,” he murmured, smiling softly. A joke the pair had started after someone had called Logan a robot and his father an ‘emotionless scumbag’ after refusing to take the person’s number after they found out he was single. Logan grinned softly.

“You supporting me is the closest I’ll ever have to feeling love,” Logan replied, causing his father to chuckle, ruffle his hair once more, then stand.

“You do what you can and get to bed,” he said. Logan nodded.

“Of course.”

~~~~~

Logan realized at about 8:30 P.M. that if he needed help with creative writing, Virgil might be his best bet. Well, other than Roman, but if he even heard the words ‘creative writing’ he’d probably attempt to do the whole project on his own, which Logan certainly didn’t want. Virgil, on the other hand, was extremely good and gently supporting and contributing ideas when Logan was stuck. Satisfied, Logan remembered that Virgil’s dad had a date that night, though he didn’t know whether the date was at Virgil’s house or somewhere else. He assumed at their home, since Virgil had to go home early to clean, but he decided to ask anyway.

Logan: Virgil, I require assistance on a writing project. Would I be able to come over?

He got no response, and was about to assume that meant Virgil was in conversation with his father and/or his father’s date. However, a little ‘read’ message popped up, leading Logan to frown. He sat for a couple minutes, staring at his paper, when his phone buzzed. He picked it up, and his blood ran cold.

Virgil: Help.

Taglist: @patton-is-gay @fangirlfiles1 @leave-dont-disappear@considerablelogicality @allierox15 @give-me-a-minute-to-think@nienna14 @nye275 @winged-outlaw @sanspie122 @magical-awesome-kid @thatgaydemigodnerd @thecrimsoncodex

#thomas sanders #logan sanders #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #virgil sanders #completely unrelated #cliffhangers? idk her #Jack writes

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daughterofsinsloth · 6 years

Note

Hello. I saw your post about giving recommendations of skk fics and I seriously love them! Thank you ❤️ Is it okay to ask you if you know any skk fics that are complete multi-chapter? I had been trying to search them but I most see one shots and abandoned multi-chapters.

Hello hello anon-chan!!! thank you so very much about your comment!! It means a lot! :) Mmm… I jnow what you mean! I have a lot of favorite fics that are uncompleted! But let’s have some fate that they will be upload! 💪💪

Here some soukoku multi-chapter fics!

i won’t lie (i knew you belonged here) by mountainlaurels:

(AU/9 chpts) this one is my very first fic and the one that actually got me inyo skk. the writer has done a great great job bringing you to their wolrd. here we are on modern setting but abilities are still on. Chuuya works at a flower shop and Dazai at the cafe across the street. their interctions are slow and natural. you cant help but ship them. the other bsd characters are all in and they are treated respectifully and well done as if they are the mains. i really like the story and how it grows to the finale.its well writen and the feelings are overwhelming! this has a spanish translation from the writer.

Intoxicated by setosdarkness:

(AU/21 chpts) a really really great fic! nothing less from setosdarkness! definatly read her other works that are currently on-going. they are awesome and cinematic-like. really welldone and well-written. the plot is a bit tricky but it keeps you on edge. you get into the characters and when you will finish it, you will be suprized. its a mafia!AU and everyone plays. its a well build game. you are gonna love it. there is also smut in it, but its part of the game too. the hole thing is a game that you cant helped it but fell willingly into it and you will be satisfied with it.

Find Something Worth Dying For (And Learn How to Live) by kibasix:

(17 chpts) read the name of the writer.. no thats it. thats my analysis. KIBASIX! we are talking about one of the best writers, in my opinion. I cant even explain how perfect this fic is! this fic here?! I cried my eyes out! i was waiting the next chapter like kids wait Santa. simply immersive. it was an absolutely agonized journey. it was like a dance between the feels and the rightness of their world. its chapter was more majestic than the last and the next was more painful than the last. the writer’s words get imprinted in your heart and mind and you cant help but want to read more, feel more, see more. it has a cinematic feel. it starts from the very beginning and we see skk relationship how it evolved and how it suttered like you are seeing it live. a sad poem in a form of a fic. the characters are practically singing their emotions out, only to be ignored by their life. and yet the fate laughs at them as she entangle them together. I can talk for hours how they write each of the character like a living being, forgeting none, and how they give each one a right place and the spotlight they deserve! an amazing work that leaves you full and empty in the same time. this one has a smak 4 chpts sequel “

Sparks Like A Match (Burns Like A Wildfire)

“ and another sequel that is yet to come (I believe in you kibasix-sama!). also check their other works, both multi and one-shot!

Noir by Adargo:

(20 chpts) another gem. another feel train. noir is the color of skk and this fic is the sorry song of their lives. a corrupted fic that leaves you craving for more. here we read with the shadow of Corruption on our back and the characters live under it. its one of the character lives under their own corruption and try to get out only to have an odd feeling at the end. it could be more chpts or only this this and the feeling will be the same. we never leave corruption, just learn to live with it in this noir world. although I would love to see more, when you finish it you can only mutter a “wow” and then never live properly again. rips your heart out and fixs it momentaly to rip it again later. you live and breath with the characters and in the end you breath a new air, a better one for me. this epitomy of angst heals you so amazingly. as the characters go a step foward you take one too and from then one your heart has a different weight. a truly and without doubt exceptional work.

A Hearts Desire by Kaokita:

(AU/6 chpts) a beautiful fic. prostitute!Chuuya opens to us a world that we see journalist!Dazai to bark in and challenge Chuuya in a “bet of felling in love". a proud chuuya is always present but here it compinate with a kinda impulsive chuuya, exposed to Dazai's hungry feeling for actual feels. here we are talking about the dark world of the underground were a no less dark but bright light (dazai) comes to shake the everyday life of our protagonist. its well written and well build. doesnt leave you with a complain and brings you to another world. really enjoyable to read. spoiler oda and chuuya having seeeeeex

Forgettable Significance by Witheryvine:

(32 chpts) after the anime, the feels start. if you thought that dancing with angst was easy, then you havent read this own. betreyal and love complicate each other and come to you to cry with them. a really interesting work and stunning. it is overwhelming but you want it to be. there are things that are needed to be said, words that have to come to the light and the writer not only do that perfectically but also gives you more to heal yourself and breath. it takes a lot to take back someone who meant the world for you and throw you away, yet! the writer has done such a nice jod giving as the feelings, thoughts and fears that you cant help but be one with it. the style of writing helps the fic to encrave into you and honestly i havent see many write it so good.

You Won’t Lose Me (So Don’t Leave Me Behind) by hybridempress:

(14 chpts) now it will be a terrible mistake to leave this out!from bottom to the top its a must read. an emotional roller coster with the best of fluff. emotions well hidden are suddenly out. too fast changes leave you breathless and the characters have to take fast decisions, act fast and start to live from the zero. a phychological rebirth thats requares a lot of courage to abandon everything so you can chase after an old wild dream in a form of a man, new to you but as old as time to your heart. along with sequel of it “

You Have a Heartbeat (You’re Real, You’re Here, You’re Human)

” by mostladylikeladythateverladied they create a perfectly must read at all cost fic that gives you the most satisfying feeling of “ah thats how it should be done”. skk are a complicate pair but the writers give them to you bare to see and feel with them to all your might. p.s. that amazing scenes with sskk at the sequel cured my heart!

Sorrow Already Spoiled by Soukokuhell:

(AU/16 chpts) an awesome fic is here once again. this AU is really well written and well build around two people way too hurt, who find love and healing together. trying to move foward but with the past to hunt them down. love and fear are walking together here. the angst is getting healed by the characters emotions and the lovemaking is great! with each chapter the characters are getting healed and at the finale you get to breath again. the fluff is in the love and devotion they have for one another.

All Aboard by Asmicarus:

(8 chpts)an action fic with a lot of feels. chuuya is suffering again and dazai is an asshole but you can see that there is much more behind them. Dazai’s manipulating nature comes out to play and although it fools everyone, Chuuya manage to sutter it to the ground with a few words. the remark is 10000000% what we all need and what Dazai needs to hear. he pretends to be human but chuuya leave him naked to the bone. from here the story takes another turn to dazai realizing what is happening and what he needs and chuuya finaly decides to take what he deserve.

Silver and Shining by ShesAParadox:

(25 chpts) okay thats a fic that i havent read in a long time, but i remember it still in this day how good impression it left me. the protagonist is fate and the puppets are skk, but not like any other fic. here there are a little things they can do.as their lives unfold and hardships are presented to them continuously, it becomes apparent that they are both the best and worst thing to have appeared in each other’s lives. the well written text gives you piece by piece their thoughts and mind, fears and love from the first meeting are amazingly describe and it leaves you complete. it happends what it should happen.

Underwater by meupclose:

(11 chpts) one hell of a fic. here is hopeless chaise with mori as the hunter and dazai as the prey. chuuya is the ‘innocent’ love one of dazai who has been called to play the savior. oda feels rip you apart, every character battles with inner and out demons and dazai is having a crisis. yet! the writer never fails to right a complicated masterpiece where life and death are playing chess. the fluff and smut take the fic to another level as a celebration of life and mori is practically playing death himself. a foolish man who wants to be a god and dazai is the child here who is desperate to live. chuuya steals the spotlight and lead to the end. its an excellent work of a mad song with the most logical story in a world that rules are made to be broken.

from my prievious fic rec please read “own no doubt”, “shared gravity” and insomnia_productions.

Why most of them are angst-like I dont know and Im sorry dear anon-chan. Im terribly sorry! kinda.. nonetheless they are all amazing and you should read them!!!

thank you very much for your ask! I hope that my reccomendations were good and you enjoy reading them! Tell me what you think~~ have a wonderful day anon-chan!!!!bye bye :)

#fic rec #highly recommended #bungou stray dogs #soukoku

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warmau · 7 years

Text

Highschool!AU Haechan

find college!nct (here) & more hs!dream kids will be coming soon!!

favorite subject: piano & creative writing

least favorite subject: chemistry

voted most likely to: become a famous game show host

haechan is described by his homeroom teacher as ‘popular’, with pretty high grades in all subjects - even the ones he despises, and a personality that’s loud an vibrant it’s only natural that people want to be his friend

although he does have a streak of giving back cheeky answers to teachers, never insulting or rude just a bit too sarcastic

but that just makes him even more popular, because everyone thinks he’s hilarious

his parents are both musically inclined so haechan took every music extracurricular class that was available, the piano teacher basically lets him live in the music room

some older kids had tried to make snarky comments involving haechan’s talent, but he had confidently told them to buzz off with their low college entrance exam scores and well,,,,they never bothered him again

doesn’t skip class often, but when he does it’s totally with jisung and chenle to cause some no good pranks on their friends jeno and renjun

and/or to get snacks down at the corner store, the owner is like “hey shouldnt you be in school??” and haechan is like “oh, it’s national government day so no school!” and the person is always like uh,,,sounds legit and haechan just grins

has he used his cuteness to get free food from the lunch ladies? yeah,,,he has,,,,much to the look of regret on jisung’s face

his other favorite class is creative writing because haechan is imaginative, it’s hard to not notice both his personality and his creativity

and he likes storytelling and songwriting, so even if everyone else is writing cheesy romance hs love plots like haechan’s gonna write his dragon slayer robot apocalypse piano playing hero trilogy - just you watch him

(what im saying is popular boy haechan probably lowkey loves reading magical books and stuff,,, like he might hate science but do i think haechan loves scifi novels??? yeah,,,,look at him)

and you actually have creative writing with haechan this semester, which is funny because ofc you know him

your friends are friends with his friends yada yada, but you’ve like never really given him a thought

one of your friends had a brief crush on him when you were all freshmen, and you’d agreed - something about him was charming

was it the clear, glowing skin? the long eyelashes? the smile that made the room light up? the way you’d made eye contact across the lunchroom and haechan’s eyes , an earthy brown, had sparkled -

ok yeah you totally just thought that “something” about him was charming not like you’d thought about him twice

but being in the same room with him for a whole semester changed that

and it changed it really,,,, really fast

and you weren’t expecting it, coming into class - trying your hardest to listen to other people read their stories, make comments, ask questions

but all you could do was sneak peeks at haechan

who sat at the desk beside yours, closest to the windows

and when a gust of wind would past buy, his hair would ruffle slightly and he’d tap the end of his pencil gently against his lips

whenever the teacher called on him, he’d have something so interesting to say and the chance amount of times he’d look your way

you had to pretend to be scribbling something against your own notes

because what,,,what was happening

you had never thought your crush would end up being haechan and not because he was the school sweetheart or the most athletic kid on the soccer team or any of that stuff from the movies

you just got,,,,entranced,,,, “he’s a wizard, right?” you once rationalized to yourself in bed but what - no c’mon,,,that couldn’t be it

and it wasn’t like haechan didn’t notice,,,,,,

he’d always wondered - when you were both freshman and you’d met eyes in the lunchroom during the first couple of weeks of school

why had you never,,,looked at him again?

it had bugged him, he had even asked mark about it who had graduated and mark just said something about “why do you care? oh,,,,do you like them?”

haechan had gritted his teeth “what are you talking about?”

mark’s cheery laughter came on the other end “only people ask a questions like ‘oh why aren’t they looking at me?’ when they have a crush.”

“you know what mark, i called you for some REAL advice and you’re giving me this baloney. this was dumb, college is making you dumber bye”

mark hadn’t been hurt when haechan hung up the phone, he was too busy chuckling over the fact that haechan 100% was interested in you - and just refused to admit it

or maybe haechan was just as confused as you, he would act like you didn’t phase him at all in creative writing

most of the time he’d concentrate extra hard on staring out the window, or asking questions about other peoples work

because one slip up and he’d have his head down on the desk, hearts floating above his head looking at the way your hair falls over your eyes sometimes, the pretty birthmark on your arm, the cute animals you doodled in your pages when you weren’t listening

haechan did NOT want to fall into that hole - he had seen jisung have crushes before and it was never pretty he acted like a total fOOL

but it was hard,,,you were so cute,,, he’d thought that when he first saw you but high school life had got in the way

now you sat beside each other????? what the heCK was he supposed to do???

you hadn’t told anyone about your feelings, and it was easy to hide you literally never saw haechan in the halls or at lunch - the only period you had with him was creative writing

so no one suspected a thing,,,,not until it was haechan’s turn to read aloud his writing

and you were secretly dreading it, but it did give you an excuse to finally look at him without seeming weird

yet the gnawing idea in your head was just: what if it’s a love poem about someone ,,,,, or some kind of allegory ,,,

it was a dumb thought - but you’re a teenager in love these things always bubble up

so on the day off, you briefly considered cutting class but ended up at your desk, watching haechan walk to the center of the board

his story was set in the future, something about a hero who played the piano while simultaneously defeating monster robots - it reminded you slightly of a comic book story line

someone had snorted at the idea, but haechan wrote it really well

to the point that halfway through the class, and even the teacher were on the edge of their seats

and then ,,,, came that part

haechans main character, who played piano in a well known orchestra was sitting beside his love interest

haechan read, “i would sit with them, completely alone in the grand hall. i would read music and they would practice at the other end of the room. the tune they played almost religiously, was one of my favorite. yet, there was never a moment where i could feel their gaze on me. almost as if i did not exist. i could clearly remember the first time we met, the canteen had been full of other musicians and orchestra staff. it was bustling, but like in any special moment time had slowed when we saw each other. it was like looking at someone who embodied spring. bright, just as curious and nervous as i. their eyes were a color i could see myself falling in love with effortlessly. but like spring breeze, the moment dwindled for a second and was gone. since then, they have not dared to spare me a glance.”

for a second you felt something familiar in the scene, then you realized haechan was describing a memory you had

the memory of the two of you in the lunchroom during freshman year

subconsciously, you were arguing that it was just a coincidence. he didn’t remember that, why would he?

but your heart was flipping in your chest, your grip on your pen had tightened

you almost didn’t hear the teacher call your name and ask for your opinion

haechan’s eyes landed on you and your face felt like it was on fire

“i,,,,,,,,,,i really like the scene between the protagonist and his ,,,,,, crush.”

you weren’t even thinking straight, but it came out

you hide your eyes back onto your paper, too concentrated on hiding your blush to see haechan’s lips turn upward ever so slightly

he had thought to himself,,,you remembered this moment too?

as class came to an end, you couldn’t get up out of your seat. your legs had turned to jello and you were still overthinking the whole situation

when the room had emptied out, even the teacher gone you finally put your hands on the desk and pushed yourself up

haechan had been waiting outside the room, he didn’t really konw what to say to you but the look on your face in class had meant something

and really, this itching feeling to look at you,,,,,to hold your hand,,,,,to even kiss you was starting to overwhelm him

and he wasn’t a patient person, i mean when his thoughts had crossed over to ‘why wont they look at me?’ to ‘they look really cute, kissing them would be nice’ he had decided to write that scene in his story

he wanted to know - he needed to konw

if what happened that day meant something and if that something was happening now, now in this one period class you had together

you didn’t see haechan when you opened the door, your eyes were on the floor and you were muttering to yourself

when you heard someone clear their throat and you looked up

“h-haechan?”

he looked at you and that sparkle from back in freshman year was still there

“i dont want to guess, but i need to know. you remember what happened a while ago,,,,,,,,,,what i based the scene off of right?”

you could feel the lump in your throat grow, you were late to last period calculus but you couldn’t even use that as an excuse

“i ,,, i do. but -”

“but, i want you to know that i started feeling it again. what i felt in that moment. i have a,,,,,,,,,,,mark used this word so ill use it too even though,,,it’s,,,corny but whatever - i have a crush on you.”

you stand there, backpack slung over one shoulder and your eyes wider than ever before

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,haechan likes you?,,,,,,,,

“y-you like me?”

“yes, im sorry for saying crush it’s corny but i guess,,, i dont know,,,,it fits the situation?”

haechan gives a small shrug, but a smile starts forming on his face

the cute, shy one you’ve never seen before

“i - i like you too,,,,,,, i just got kind of confused because well i just,,,,, it’s never really,,,,something,,,”

haechan nods “something you thought about before?”

it’s not like this is middle school or anything, but even as high schoolers neither you or haechan ever had much of a mind when it came to crushes

haechan had always found distractions in good friends and music - you had found it in your pasions

so it was only normal that liking each other kind of sent you bothi nto mini panics

but haechan, has never been embarrassed by telling the truth so it was just a matter of time till he confessed

and standing there, alone in the hallway with the muffled sounds of other classes going on , you were happy he did

your first date starts that afternoon, you both are too late for your last classes so you sneak off and go into the city

neither of you has much allowance, so you scrap up what you’ve got and buy snacks to eat, dropping what change you have into the pal of your hand

“it’s not much, but we can go see what it’ll get us at the thrift store?”

you nod and follow haechan into a small, underground store that is stuffed to the brim with second-hand items and vintage clothing hanging off the ceilings

aside from the trendy adults in the store, you and haechan stick out like sore thumbs in your school uniforms

but you completely forget because haechan puts on a large, round straw hat with flowers on it and does an impression of one of your favorite actresses

you two giggle over trying on outrageous clothes, digging through old records and books, until haechan pulls an old puppy toy from the depths of some stack and goes

“doesn’t he look like me?”

you laugh because the puppy is a slightly washed out red color, but the adorable face with big eyes does sort of remind you of him

on he flip side of the dogs ear is a worn out tag, the name ‘cherry’ spelled out in cursive

“should we spend our change on this guy?” haechan asks

you take him and hold him up “well it’s either him or we share cup ramen in the subway,,,,”

haechan and you agree, cherry is worth it

and as you walk around till late, the city lights illuminating you two in a soft glow, you hold cherry

and the people walking by flash smiles at you two, a young couple in love

when it’s time to go, haechan has to catch the train but you’re getting on the bus

he fusses with you over waiting till you get on safely, longenough for your bus to actually get there

watching you climb on, you turn over your shoulder and tell haechan to be safe

he points to cherry and raises an eyebrow “you two be safe as well.”

you nod, and haechan seems to stutter for a moment

“see you tomorrow.”

you call before the door shuts and the bus stars on its way, haechan watches your figure through a window as the bus pulls away

softly, with a smile he answers “see you tomorrow”

on the bus ride you stare out the window, holding cherry tightly in your arms

who knew haechan’s story would be the reason you two,,,,finally understood each others hearts

haechan gets home,,,,,and immediately calls mark

“i have a stupid crush. you were right. college is making you smarter.”

mark just laughs, he saw this coming and asks haechan to tell him all about you

when you end up in class the ext time, you try hard not to smile like an idiot when haechan comes in

but to your surprise, he doesn’t hide it all

he smiles, sliding into his desk and moving it just an inch closer to yours

“how’s cherry?”

“fine, did you get home late?”

the entire class seems to shift their gazes on to you and the weight of their stares makes you nervous

but haechan doesn’t seem to mind, he just looks at you and says everything was good. clumsily he adds in,,,,if you want,,,,,i gotta show you something after class

the thing he shows you is the piano in the schools music room, you never knew it before = but haechan is a skilled player

and when he sits down behind it, you think he looks handsome - like some kind of young prodigy - like the character in his story

the more you get to know him, the more you see a side of him that you’re sure he hides from others

the little that you knew from other people was his popular, sarcasti image

but there’s a lot more - there’s someone that wholeheartedly loves music and his friends

it makes you fall for him even harder,,,,,,,

haechan isn’t sure how to tell jisung and the others, so he approaches jeno first since he knows he’ll deal with it the calmest

“you’re dating,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,what how did we not EVEN KNOW?”

haechan shrugs “you guys are kind of oblivious.”

jeno frowns at haechan’s joke, but congratulates him nonetheless

now when isung, renjun and chenle find out ,,,, it’s a whole different ball game. there’s a lot of shouting. renjun even goes “haechan, you have a heart? you never told us!”

when you meet them, they all have some story to tell you about haechan

and haechan just ends up chasing half of them around, threatening to reveal their own secrets to their parent if anything

jeno, who stands beside you watching this unfold leans over and goes “he says he’s really happy these days thanks to you.”

you even get to know jaemin, haechan’s close friend whose on a break from school

haechan is a half-decent cook, you find out when you try to have a picnic and your homemade lunch is nothing like his

you end up discarding your pitiful sandwich for whatever haechan has in his fancy lunch box

dates with him are always a surprise and goofy

the amount of times you two use the ‘cute highschoolers with no money’ charm is uncountable - free popcorn at the movies? check. extra fries at burger king? check compliments from people on how you two will only get better looking from here on out? weird, but check

you don’t even need money to be happy, honestly you and haechan can make it fun no matter what

from running by the sea, backpacks discarded in the sand and the early fall wind blowing the waves up close as you yell when haechan pretends to jump in

to taking cute pics of the puppies in the puppy cafe windows

heck, once haechan gave you some flowers before first period and you were like how’d you get these,,

and he had told you that he just “got them” when in reality he part-timed for a friends cafe on the weekend to get some money for a gift

you and him meet up at the public library to try and study, but get distracted because you text each other even though you’re a foot apart

‘hey, chemistry sucks’

‘you know what doesn’t suck? my cute face’

‘agreed’

haechan sends you memes he made of jisung himself

you keep asking to meet mark because, most of the dating advice haechan gets is fro him but haechan is just like ‘mark’s a loser,,,,,,,,,,but he’s my big brother and he’d say something to embarrass me.’

you do meet mark when he comes back on college break and he does tell you something embarrassing. it’s that haechan doesn’t shuttup about you.

haechan teaches you some songs on the piano, you two stay late after school and the music teacher entrusts you with the keys to the room

but it’s nice, to be there with him in the soft evening glow of the sunet - no noisy kids in the halls, just you

your first kiss is outside of the music room, with haechan’s hand on your waist and his nervous laughter afterwords, because he’s confident but ,,,,,,a first kiss is really something else

but you reassure him, when you kiss him a second time before getting on your bus home and haechan walks to the subway, dizzy with glee

haechan doesn’t do pda persay, but he does do little things that are cute

he’ll lay his hand flat on your desk, looking at his textbook like he didn’t just do that and you’ll giggle and hold his hand or play with his fingers

one time you kissed them and haechan blushed deeper red than you thought was humanly possible, but he likes it,,,

other cute quirks; calls you nicknames that have to do with your clumsiness, compliments you when you least expect it, sends you his favorite instrumentals when you say you can’t fall asleep because he knows they can calm you down, has your favorite snacks memorized so he know what to get you without asking, haechan would probably read your horoscope to you everyday if you were into horoscopes like he’s that kind of boy

also if you’re ever upset by something or someone, haechan has the kind of skills that will uplift you in ways you never thought possible. with possible jabs at what made you upset here and there

he might be ‘sarcastic’ to some people, but with you he is nothing but truthful and gentle. he can make jokes and be playful, but his love is real and strong and if anyone hurts it - he goes after them like bad blood

always ends his texts with “stay safe” if you’re going anywhere

and totally leaves his cardigan on purpose on the back of your chair in class if he sees that you’re cold

mark: can’t believe you’re soft for someone haechan

haechan: im not,,,soft

mark: their name in your phone has three heart emojis next to it

haechan:,,,,,,,,,and yours has three poop emojis now goodbye

(he is soft for you tho, fyi ^^)

#alright here is the first hs!au i hope its ok! feel free to tell me ur opinions ^^#haechan scenarios #donghyuck scenarios #nct 127 scenarios #nct dream scenarios #nct scenarios #haechan imagines #donghyuck imagines #nct imagines #nct dream imagines #nct 127 imagines #haechan #nct dream #nct 127 #sfw #lee donghyuck #highschool!au

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eng484dln · 4 years

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Respect and Authority

My experience with the education system is that It is something like bittersweet. It is both restrictive and liberating. It is both a teacher and a deceiver. Yet despite it being both constructive and destructive, I appreciate that I am able to experience it. Many people in the world are not able to learn what I have learned whether it be due to their politicians outlawing it or the lack of financial means to do so. I am privileged to have the opportunity to learn about the reality which I seemingly exist in. Why do I bring this up? Because I know I have spent a majority of my life resisting the notions of authoritative figures. I was more or less a good student throughout K-12 education but that doesn’t mean I was happy with going through the system.

Teachers in my experience have a preconceived notion that students are to obey the teacher and the teacher is meant to guide. This is supposed to represent respect though that is not what I have learned respect to be. Respect is most definitely earned; it is not something intrinsic. At least for a freethinker it is not intrinsically given. As such authority does not invoke respect but instead vice versa. Respect invokes authority. Because of my understanding of respect, I unfortunately have not always been fond of every teacher that has taught me, and I am sure this might be the case for other individuals. The assignments which restricted me often inhibited my creativity and yet those which have been more permitting have allowed me to create great works such as the poem I made in junior year about Stella. But I wonder why I have this view on the education system. Is it because of the way I was treated? Perhaps.

Subservience is expected in most schools and this was the case in my primary school. For example, we were asked to wear uniforms. There is plenty of argument behind why uniforms are beneficial such as it preventing bullying. Yet I feel that is has the opposite effect. When you are made to look identical to all your peers, there can be a lack of expression and that certainly was the case for me. It excludes the expression of personality which could prevent you from finding like-minded individuals. Why should that matter? Most people perform at their best when they are around people who they can relate to. Think about it, you would have a much easier time completing a project with someone who has the same interests and drives as you rather than vice versa. Yet this is just one example of subservience. Another thing I noticed growing up is the freedom to speak ideas. Teachers often hush the talkative students because they are interrupting the class and that seems reasonable, but what about when a student is hushed because their voice makes more sense than the teachers? This is exemplified by what I have observed when one of my peers in the 5th grade was automatically hushed anytime he would speak simply because he made a disturbance early on in the year. And yet I know this individual to be one of the smartest people I’ve met.

There is a bias that exists in academia and that is people who have degrees are geniuses. This may come off as complimenting a teacher but in reality it deters progress. A student may look to a teacher and think they are the ultimate truth to reality and that is rarely the case. Teachers are human; They have biases just like every other person on this earth and they have ignorance when it comes to certain parts of life. Yes they may have dedicated a large portion of their lives to academia but that still does not make a teacher the source of all knowledge in the world. I hold this skepticism towards academia because of experiences like the one Im about to explain: I was in my sophomore psychology class and the teacher went off on a tangent about stereotypes. I still am not sure why he decided to tell this joke but he went on to make an offensive joke involving ethnicities and the particular aspects that they accentuate in order to look more attractive. When he told that joke, I remember there being an awkward silence as my peers and I analyzed what was just said and more importantly who said it. He must have realized that was not appropriate to say and quickly diverted our attentions back to the lesson. I spent the remainder of my day considering what my teacher had said. How that felt for me hearing it and how it might have felt for other people hearing it. I considered how other people might have looked up to this teacher for guidance and how that joke could be misinterpreted or repeated. I try to avoid getting into the politics behind political correctness, but this was obviously an uncomfortable scenario. Someone who is teaching the youth of the world holds this sort of idea of people within their heads and that influences how they interact with other people. If I bring it back to literacy, that can be used as an example of the biases that influence everyones writing. I admit even I have my own biases which I try to avoid succumbing to though the biases still exist. This strengthened my belief in skepticism. We should rely on the teachers of the world for the knowledge they may have but recognize that they often retain knowledge we dont agree with,dangerous knowledge, and a lack of knowledge for things they do not understand.

Notions have the hard reality of restricting people from their potential and I feel if he hadn’t been hushed early on in his life, he might be doing greater things. Most people don’t want to be subservient, We would rather be equal than greater or lesser. Or at least that is the case for me. And I find that the teachers I remember the most are those who respected me as much as I respected them. Therefore, respect for those we mentor is crucial. Demeaning students work and what they ask or say prevents true potential from being expressed. That is why I encourage you to teach with the heart of a mentor and not a master. We are here to simply tell people how to do things, but to show people how to do things. I believe by treating those we mentor as equals then we permit ourselves to see what they want to achieve and help them get to that point while also teaching them in an effective manner. Simply put, if an authority figure does not recognize the weight of his own actions, this upsets the balance of respect and you may completely miss out on what could be something great.

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lifestoryparty · 6 years

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When I finally wrote this

been watching heroes for a bit, this ep was a bit to intense, haha. it was sad. anyways, i finally might get to writing more of my life story. I havent ever written about this part of my life, and honestly the only thing ive got left anymore might be old messages and a poem I wrote a long time ago to do with this period, thats it. Maybe I didnt write about it because to write about it was to let it go, to write about it was to accept things for what it was, maybe I was afraid shed see it, I honestly cant remember because I know for a long time after I did everything I humanly could to forget because remembering hurt far to much. The day me and Moo Moo broke up I didnt honestly believe it was over, we always made up and made it work, she was loyal and mine and we pushed through everything together. I believed she would never leave. I literally believed that she wouldnt ever go, she’d always be there. That was during a time that I had really never been hurt to that extreme before, I actually trusted her with all my heart, and I mean with everything, she was a good person, she had been through so much already, dealt with me at my worst, dealt with all the craziness like with drake and meds and crying in the shower, attempted suicide, she knew me in and out more than anyone really did at that time. I dont know if i was friends friends with tompkins or not yet but even he didnt know me like that. So yeah i didnt believe it when she said it. well the next day came around and there was no messages saying she wanted me back or was sorry, there wasnt anything. so I messaged her and she said it was really over. so I started to panic a little and was like no, I need you, I love you, and I really really started to realize it recently what you really meant to me, I wanted to do a special thing for you on valentines day, etc. but she completely wouldnt take it. She gave me the reasons she gave on that last blog i sent, and I said I could change and Id do anything for her but she said it was to late. well finally I asked if it was lucas, and she admitted it was, she admitted to hanging out with him and just talking to him for hrs in his dorm room. she said nothing happened, but she felt things with him she hadnt felt with me in a really long time. She felt like they connected and he deserved a chance. I was upset, I felt like i’d been the one with her all this time, why does he deserve a chance? dont I get a chance to prove I can change? she didnt even give me that, she just let me go…Well from there, it was back and forth for a while trying to beg for her back, but she wouldnt allow it. I would go in to our public speaking class and stare at her, sorta small talk, but not really saying anything. it freaked me out, scared me. How we could have been so close to nothing at all. She still wore my promise ring every day and it confused me. The pain in me started growing worse and worse and I was starting to lose it. I started having panic attacks off and on, i’d lie in my bed in the dark listening to dark depressing music, or music that reminded me of her. I’d scream in to the blankets, punch the walls, cry, I would curse at god for letting it happen, i’d beg him to let me have her back but nothing changed. My dad tried to explain what I was going to go through and what i’d have to do. He tried to get me to promise not to do anything drastic but he couldnt have prepared me in the least to how I was going to feel. Every day that i’d wake up i’d be completely numb, it was just pain to the point of losing my mind. Every day felt like a blur, I always had goosebumps, i’d replay every moment that I could remember in my head over and over. I couldnt see the world around me, it was all slow motion and so very cold. I could barely do school. I wasnt there in my head. my grades started dropping, I was failing math, but I didnt care about anything, she was all I had keeping me going through what was already hell, she was my strength through the court stuff with drake and what it caused, and now I felt like I had no one. When it came to my class with her I wouldnt do any of the presentations in front of the class, i did them in front of my teacher for a lesser grade. I couldnt face her anymore, I loved her still even through the pain, I couldnt stop, I couldnt let it go. My mom would try to talk to me and get me out but mostly I just stayed home and dwelled in it. The darkness in my heart only grew as i layed in my room listening to music as I would be in and out of a dream state as I replayed the memories. I couldnt tell much from reality anymore, as far as I knew I was already in hell. I thought from time to time about how I could go find this guy and hurt him. I thought about cutting his face and making him ugly. I thought about beating him down with a bat. I was seriously going crazy and I didnt care anymore. Sometimes I wanted revenge on her, I wanted her to hurt just as much as me. I wanted to do things to her so she couldnt pain anymore, so she couldnt do what she loved. but I knew i shouldnt do any of these things and that I was just severely broken after already going through so much. I had no one to really go to, it was just me falling apart in my head. I thought about suicide so many times. I didnt see what the point of living was anymore. Her friend that I flirted with, well she started asking about everything and I would talk to her about how I felt, and shes sort of the reason I wrote out my life story. It helped get some of the pain out. The few things I wrote to do with after the relationship were these things: Me and the girl I was with for two years have finally broken up much to my dismay, it came expectedly but in a I didn’t believe it till it happened way. First year I feel like for some people isn’t to bad, everythings fresh and new, kind of learning experience, but after some time, that kind of dies down, you have to kind of work at it in whats best for the both of you. Temptations will come your way, its to be expected, sometimes you just lose the feeling, or just plain boredom. Dont make the mistake of falling in to temptation, especially if you care for who you are with, it does nothing but hurt the both of you in the end. taking antidepressants can either hurt or hinder your relationship in different ways, it can either help or hurt you when trying to have sex, it can make your personality change for the worse, or make you feel nothing for your partner. Just depends on how your body accepts it. I fell in to temptation but chose her in the end and dealt with personal pain for 3 monthes. Meds didnt work out for me, but prozac was amazing for sex. I dealt with trouble trying to get used to being off the meds and figuring out what I want. It was a big issue for a while and by the time I really knew what I wanted it was too late. Which I learned that even good people can lie and hurt you. I learned many small things and know what to look for in the future if it ever came to it, but I learned to love and accept someone for who they were despite the flaws and not a total click in personality. I was actually going to propose after feeling this, cause I loved before, but this was something different, its like I let go of my self completely and it was just a constant flow of happy and love and want to do anything and change if need be, it was the most extreme feeling ever, it was like how i felt the first year, but, way deeper and meaningful, like i knew for sure this is who I wanted to be with. Next thing of course is if you ever see your partner acting a little strange, find out why as soon as possible. One of the worst feelings though is heartbreak. For me, it seems to have changed me in a way, It forced me to grow up and change and to not expect things to always work out, which even now I continue to do so because I havent accepted things for what they are. Knowing friends I know love can destroy people and wreck their lives, but for others its a fresh start, a new beginning, or just a learning experience. Sometimes you need to let go of that certain someone to let them figure out what they want, it may or may not work out for you in the end, but sticking together wont make things better in all cases. I personally hurt like hell at a constant rate and it comes and goes, i’m trying to be supportive, but it hurts knowing where my heart is and the hope of her realizing that things arent always better on the other side of things..All I can do is wait and see what happens but on the other end of things I’ll have to keep on the look out of other people, but I dont believe that things will ever be like it was with her… so I wear your clothes when I miss you the most everywhere I go I see your ghost, what should I do, what should I do? I was on cloud 9 till you let me fall now i’m just trying to put my feet on the ground, but your voice is the only sound. How can we be friends when your loving him? Don’t you feel like you committed the biggest sin? In the end, what should I do, what should I do? You’re still everything my heart desires, and every day my body feels like its on fire, The only thing that cools me down are the tears that fall from my face and to the ground. What should I do, what should I do when i’m missing you? I hope one day maybe you’ll see that i’m the one that you can believe, but right now thats all I can do is wait for you. Do you remember how it felt to want to kiss me at the park? Do you remember the first time you wanted to hold me close, do you remember those urges you held inside until one day I finally decided? Do you remember our first date and the kiss that followed? The sheetz run and talking with my mom before we let you go? Do you remember how it felt when everyone asked if were together, that we looked so good for each other? Do you remember the storys we used to share while I played with your hair? Do you remember the days at the park were we started to bond, one of our first pictures there was under the sun. Do you remember getting high and feeling so great, and all the damn pizza that we ate? Do you remember when you didnt know how to kiss, and I showed you how to do it just like this? Do you remember how we spent every day after school together, no matter what work we had or the weather? Do you remember how I could never decide which side I wanted to hold your hand and sit with you during movies? Do you remember when I asked if you were ok with this, before I put my hand in your shirt and felt your chest. Do you remember the heat of your face when repeatedly you had my lips to taste? Do you remember the first time we “touched” and we were so scared? I made sure that you knew that I cared. Do you remember prom and what I wanted it to be? it ended up perfect dont you see? Do you remember how we danced the night away, and the breaths in my chest seemed to never stay. Do you remember my eyes as you looked in to them, as we experienced the moment that I put myself in? Do you remember the feeling of things being more perfect than they’d ever been? Do you remember the sensation you felt that night, us being one while I was inside. Do you remember the weekends that i’d come around, even in the snow from my house to yours? Do you remember the passion that we shared, from the stairs to your bed, over and over again? Do you remember how happy you were and how you couldnt get enough, before we knew it, we were truly in love? I remember it all and will continue to, I will remember how you would say I luff you. I will remember how you would tell me to pick you up and hold, how I would kiss your face, almost every day. I will remember the hard times we pushed through, and the cold days i’d work to get a present for you. I remember the talks we’d have, and the scary moments we pulled together through. What I know is i’ll continue to miss and love you and thats one thing that is true, I know its true love cause I still want to be with you. I love you and I’m thinking about you constantly, i’m sorry I cant talk to much right now, but words cant touch what i’m going through. Trust me i’d do anything to be with you. 12:43am I didnt want anything with her friend, but I needed someone to get me through the pain. Tompkins and I started hanging out with more and more, and we’d go on all those long walks I told you about, well on those walks i’d tell him about my entire life, and I started talking to him about what I was going through, we got closer and closer over time and he started becoming my best friend. It still didnt wipe away the pain. I started smoking pot from my usual once a week to every single day. I’d go to my friendsansons and smoke with my friends heavily. i’m talking 2 or more blunts a day. I just wanted to escape my hellish world, and since that next semester started I only took 2 classes instead of 5 because my depression was so heavy and bad I couldnt do more than that. well I had all this free time so i’d spent lots of time getting completely fucked up all the time. I just couldnt handle the pain. Well I later decided to take shrooms, and it wasnt a high amount, so i just felt sorta confused coming up, and it hit me in waves and i just felt really high with a euphoria, but no visuals really. I tried acid and it was a low dose to, and i barely felt much, it just felt like every time id go in to a different room my mind would change, but it was wayyy weaker than stuff i’ve taken. I did dmt 2 more times and just partied a lot, i really just stopped caring about anything anymore, i’d pretty much given up on myself. I took all kinds of risks all the time, i just felt manic depressive, i had just run wild. I drove high, I went caving, I went on rides, I did all this stupid shit that could have killed me or sent me to jail. Nothing seemed to be changing to much other than Moo Moo and Lukas were official and they were only getting closer, it had been a few months now, closing in to summer, and the pain was still there, I still loved her and was also hating her at the same time. I dont know why I couldnt let go but even my mom noticed that I still couldnt. Well I had talked to a lot of girls but they were all horrible, and not to mention you sorta just compare everyone to that first love it felt like. finally dylans and smith, who were dating got their friend Crazy to come over. well, we started talking, but she was really weird. I couldnt quite feel attracted to her even though she was nice and filled my lonliness a bit. we made out and stuff but she would let me fool around with her, or even touch her back which was weird. finally i let her go cause i just didnt like her. well finally the summer came and i started talking to this redhead clark. I finally felt like i’d met a good girl and we went for coffee and talked for a while. I also started working at ollies finally, which was really hard cause i had to work night shift every night. it was pure labor and it was hell. I hated it so much and i never had a life, and i slept all day, worked all night, and got fucked up when I could to escape. over that summer I was mostly sober due to working and everything i had been trying to escape from for so long was just flooding back in, like i had barely been a month away from the break up. I’d go in to the bathroom having panic attacks and cry, i really thought i was going crazy. not only that but the stuff with drake would haunt me over and over. I know i had asked for help, but the only counselor i was able to see was a preacher and i wasnt opening up to them. The pure hell and pain I kept suffering no one should ever have felt, but i couldnt escape it, and i had grown so far used to getting fucked up off anything i could all the time. I kinda felt when i’d smoke i was more creative so I wrote more, I made a tumblr as an escape. It felt like my writing meant something and people liked it and followed it and commented on it. The more I stayed in this drug and pain world the more i distanced myself from reality and human interaction. I didnt feel like I knew how to talk to people anymore, I distrusted people because of her, and drake, and I hated to be around people. Well the girl Clark didnt want me so my heart was just hurt again. it seemed no one wanted to be with me no matter how many people I looked for love in. Me and big boobs were also becoming closer friends and she told me that her and lukas were apparently having sex now, which she told me she never would when they first were together. I felt sick, I felt like she had finally crossed the line of no return with me. As I drove home I wanted to throw up, I imagined them fucking each other, it hurt so much, i felt betrayed, like that was our thing that we shared together and she ruined the purity of what we shared. I wanted to run my car in to whatever i could, but I went home and cried myself to sleep. I felt no more love after that. just bitterness. So I got drunk and talked to an ex and drove to her house and fucked her. I didnt feel anything for her, i just fucked her and left. I didnt talk to her for a week, but she asked and I told her I cared for her as a friend but i didnt feel anything but i’d still do that with her, and she i feel like actually cared, but she was lonely to so she was ok with that, so I came by just one more time to do that. For some reason being she was the second person I had sex with it made me feel horribly guilty. In some sense I felt like I betrayed Moo Moo even though I was done with that in my head 12:58am I was told about having a court date in the future where i’d finally have to testify against drake about what he did to me, im sorta lost and confused on when all this happened so im piecing it together and how I feel like it was. I finally became friend with Ohl. well, over the summer we sorta both were going through the same painful feelings of a first love break up, for him it had been over a year and he was still going through it. for me it had been about 6 monthes. we connected on what that was like for us. we’d drink and share music and he’d play guitar, play games with me, play pokemon and smash bros. he started coming over a lot and staying the night. I had finally found someone who understood and I could connect with after so much hell. We started hiking all the time, we’d do crazy adventurous things, we camped once, he stole a bunch of cigs, we took ecstasy twice together, we drove drunk once, we’d go to hookah really fucked up a few times, we were a team who matched really well but probably were the worst things for each other in a sense, we both just didnt care cause of the pain we were in. Well, this is also another secret i really havent told anyone, but I had a 3 some with him an this lady who was married. we both had planned on it for a month and got high and finally did, it was really awkward, but a huge thrill. Finally we met jones, that girl u met at the art show whos dating james, well me and her started talking and hanging out at the college a lot, well, she sorta led me on some, and i got Ohl talking to her friend robin. we would go to guys and dolls which my god was redneck and ghetto trash central, and i almost got in a fight there. well we played pool and went out on the town a few times. We also smoked pot with the owner of guys and dolls. well one day we stayed the night at her house and stayed up all night, i drove so deleriously to school that i almost wrecked. well My bro started dating Hope. they had dated like 2 or 3 days, and my mom let her stay the night, well me and Ohl got really drunk and ate mcdonalds and tried to get people to come over, well they didnt, so we asked lauren and robin to come over. well they finally did, they only had a few shots and Jones took her clothes off and was walking around my house naked, well we took her downstairs cause my dad was coming home. my bro and Hope were upstairs just cuddling, and i had met her earlier, well Jones jumped on me and started taking my clothes off and wanted to have a 3 some, but then she was like i have to tell u something, i fucked some guy before i came over. well, that hurt, a lot, i really liked Jones and i had been getting close to her and it made me mad. well i finally just agreed to a 3some cause after that i wasnt going to talk to her anymore. well she got naked, but she wouldnt let me or Sanson fuck her, she made daniel go upstairs and so me and Sanson fingered her, well, she liked when i did it better and said she i was really good at it, derrik not so much, well she jerked us off and in the middle of it we could hear my dad come in. well Ohl and robin were naked on the couch, but my dad was so wasted he fell asleep upstairs. 1:04am Well robin and Ohl started fucking in my bathroom and she was moaning so obnoxiously and fakely loud we started laughing downstairs. My sister knocked on the door asking to use tha bathroom, and she knew they were fucking. well we all laughed about it later and we all fell asleep. after that i made Jones leave the next day and never talked to her again. i was really hurt and just so sick of girls. well me and ohl and my friend Christian hung out alot and got drunk at my house a lot and played games and all got close. after a while wound up talking to my ex Mexico and she was all like im done with this shitty guy blah blah, but then he found out i was trying to get back with her and made that stop, and then she just disappeared. well my brother and Hope had broke up so i asked if it was ok if i talked to her cause i was attracted to her and it didnt go anywhere with them and he said sure, so i started talking to her and we sorta clicked in some ways because she was wanting all the same things as me and we were both lonely and stuff. well. thats a story for another night I feel like i’ve left enough for you.

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v-le · 6 years

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Kmusic: My Decade-Long Journey with Kpop

Foreword: I had been working on this post for a few weeks now, in between university and everything else. In the middle of its composition, Kim Jonghyun of SHINee passed away and shocked the world. I, too, was appalled, and I don’t think I will ever properly recover from his death. I want to dedicate this post to him. This story is about how kpop has grown with me in life. This story defines everything I have ever thought or felt about kpop and that now, very much includes Jonghyun’s passing. 수고했어, 종현아.

Book 1

I can’t really recall it, but the very first kpop song I’ve ever listened to was either “Nobody” by Wonder Girls, “Genie” by SNSD, or “Gee” by SNSD. I was about seven years old around then. My cousin had shown my sister these songs and she, too, quickly got swept into the music. For the first years of this exposure, I had heard a myriad of songs ranging from Super Junior’s “Sorry Sorry”, SHINee’s “Replay” & “Ring Ding Dong” & “Lucifer”, Taeyang’s “Wedding Dress”, Big Bang’s “Gara Gara Go”, Infinite’s “BTD” & “She’s Back”, 2NE1’s “Fire” and many many manyyyy more. These songs would waft out of my sister’s speakers whenever I was using my computer next to her’s in the computer room. And during those first years, I flat out hated these songs. I didn’t understand anything they were saying. They sounded obnoxious. And these boys that my sister was obsessed with weren’t even that good looking. I can recall that she was specifically infatuated with Donghae of SJ during that time. I can also recall going as far as to mock some of these songs, especially “She’s Back” by repeating “cheese pack” in an annoying tone back to her. Despite my detest for kpop during these several years, I unknowingly picked up a lot of knowledge on it. I could name many groups and recognize many of their songs, all from the fact that my sister played so much of it and I had seen her computer screen many times. Nonetheless, I complained to my mom, that I didn’t understand why she listened to that stuff when she couldn’t even understand it. My mom had told me that it was totally fine, it’s simply about the beat of the music, and that you didn’t have to understand it to like it. I remember feeling a little upset because she defended my sister. All in all, during these years of premature kpop exposure, I was petty, unrelenting, and simply immature. I didn’t like kpop.

Book 2

I remember for some reason, reasons unknown, one day when I was at my friend’s house in 5th grade, I decided to show my friends “Ring Ding Dong” for fun. I remember a few days before that, I had watched the “Wedding Dress” MV for the first time on my own and I cried, too. During these next months, my pettiness towards kpop began to dampen and I started to get pretty good at recognizing groups and songs, and maybe even some faces. The only issue was that I tried immensely hard, as if my life depended on it, to not let my sister see what I was up to. I knew that I would receive massive backlash from her, for being such a hypocrite. So throughout 5th grade and a little bit of 6th, I started to dip my toes in a little, into the infinitely large pool that is kpop. I slowly and secretly, grew minuscule fondness for some songs, but not enough to want to add them to my music library. I kinda liked kpop.

Book 3

In the early days of middle school, a really good friend of mine loved Super Junior to death. Another friend of mine listened to some kpop, but only a little bit here and there. One day they showed me a song from LEDApple and I can officially say that they were the first group I completely fell for. LEDApple had such a different, dynamic and unique vibe to them, that I almost felt like I had triumphed over my sister. I had found and enjoyed a group that she probably did not know at all, and their music was actually really really really good. Personal favorites include “Time’s Up” and “Someone Met By Chance”. Much later, they released “Sadness” and I was even happier with that song. I quickly learned the names of all the members and I considered them my favorite group of all time. LEDApple was my introduction into this “fangirling” gig that kpoppers lowkey highkey have to keep up with. With LEDApple, I learned:

How to memorize members

That MV meant “music video”

How to watch every single video of them that existed on youtube (although for them, it was minimal because they were so unknown)

That subbers were a thing, and for specific groups, too

How to watch variety shows of them

How to memorize birthdays

That Koreans have a different age system than internationally

That they wear excessive makeup

And much, much, much more

I would consider LEDApple to be my “first” for everything. I really did cherish them as a group, along with their music, and I slowly learned the do’s and dont’s of kpop during this phase. More than LEDApple though, I quickly became even more aware of more groups and songs, and I started to favor some more than others too. I liked kpop.

Book 4

My love for LEDApple started to dwindle as I discovered and started to really like more groups like MBLAQ, Big Bang, SHINee, SNSD, B.A.P, B1A4 and especially Infinite. I completely fell for Infinite as I listened to songs like “Paradise”, “Be Mine”, and “Can U Smile”. And yes, as I listened to more of their discography, I recognized some songs as the ones my sister had played in the past as well. Then, they released the Chaser and it was game set from there. I remember searching up Infinite’s profiles, comparing the images with their MVs and matching their names with their faces. I remember when I first saw Woohyun in Be Mine, I thought that he looked like Harry Shum Jr. AHAH how wrong I was…. I also remember struggling a little bit because the profile pictures I used were from their debut, with their slicked back hair and white button shirts and suspenders :’). Soon enough, I became very familiar with everything Infinite-related and I eventually claimed them to be my favorite group of all time (and to this day, they have remained as so). I really liked kpop.

Book 5

This book becomes a little hard to explain, simply because I feel like my emotions seemed to be mundane externally, but inside, I know that they were deep with a sort of affection that words can never fully explain. My love for Infinite was immense, driven, and completely pure. I did not have a favorite member, because no really, I just couldn’t choose one. All their songs were absolutely amazing; Infinite taught me how to fall in love with even the non-title track songs. Their entire discography is the only discography of any artists that I know like the back of my hand. Their choreography was always on point; they prided in being 99.9% synchronized with knife-like moves. I really, truly thought that they were all handsome in their own, unique way. Their personalities were genuine and interactions were always hilarious and the brotherhood between the boys ran as deep as blood. Their early days were the brightest ones that I can recall, and I am so grateful to have watched them develop since. They were extremely relevant within the industry, and “The Chaser” lifted them to even newer heights. I clearly remember their 2nd anniversary as well. I remember thinking to myself, that they were “SO YOUNG!!”, with Sungjong being just 18 years old at that time (which is exactly how old I am now, YIKES). Awaiting a comeback after The Chaser era was definitely an eventful one because I was so expectant and excited and it was the first (of many) that I experienced as a full-fledged fan. It took them nearly a year, but they eventually returned with “Man in Love”, and then “Destiny” immediately afterwards, and then on November 11th, 2013, I had the miraculous blessing to see them live in concert. It was my first concert ever and it was during their first world tour, as mere 3-year idols. 2013 was a year of big feats for Infinite and it all really was just a blessing. A mere five months later, I would again, see them, at the LA Kpop Festival on April 12th, 2014. Boy, was it a time to be alive as an Inspirit. During these few years, everything I did, in my life, really did revolve around them. My school projects, artwork, everything, had to relate to Infinite somehow. I made poems about them, I had collected a total of 24 posters of them on my wall, and I had also racked up physical copies of their albums, my first one being Infinitize on July 29th of 2012. When they posted fan events like the Infinite Love Letter Contest, and when the members used Google+ and when every little thing happened, I was there, and I was supporting them endlessly. As I transitioned into high school, Infinite released more and more things, and my love for them never dwindled, even for a second. When I went through rough times, in all the ways imaginable, Infinite was always there. In the beginning, I had made folders for photos of each member, otps, and the complete group on my computer. I even named the OT7 pictures folder “What I Live For ~”. My passwords all had to do with Infinite. I named all my devices like my computer and such “IFNT7”. The phrase “My love is Infinite” was my favorite of all time. Just the sight of some colors translated into Infinite to me. Every. Little. Thing. My heart belonged to Infinite more than ever. I loved and cherished them, and still do (but maybe not as blatantly), with a burning passion. And not just them, but I really did like other groups like ZE:A and T-ARA to name a few, during these times, but Infinite truly meant the world to me. I loved kpop, especially Infinite.

Book 6

During those fangirl days, I was not completely blinded by love to a point where I was oblivious to the future; rather, I was apprehensive in a way in which I knew that when I got “older”, I “wouldn’t love them as much”. I didn’t doubt that I wouldn’t stop listening to kpop, but I knew that i couldn’t be a diehard fangirl forever. And so, around 2015 ish is when school started to kick my butt, and i really did completely disconnect. Disclaimer though: I was still endlessly thankful for and in love with Infinite. I was so proud of them no matter what, and I supported them from the sidelines with a burning heart. In fact, despite the fact that the amount of attention I dedicated to them decreased, my love for them grew nonetheless. I was so so so thankful that they were just alive, whole, and still doing music. Together. However, I was physically and mentally incapable of keeping up to date with everything, not only Infinite-related, but kpop-related, during that time. I had realized that this was probably time to prioritize things in my life, and not feel so obliged to the whole kpop thing anymore. And so, with Infinite, I tried my best, but of course I did not try hard enough. I did enough to keep up with kpop releases and such, but that was about it. I had no time for shows and small activities and interviews, and all the things that I was an expert on in the past. I no longer had time to check thru all the infinite tumblr blogs I had bookmarked. Instead, I began to turn to the simpler things, as in the music. I realized that if there was one thing that was worthy of putting effort into, it was the music. I began to only care about the music that the kpop industry was churning out. And let me just say, that during this time was probably the beginning of the death of 2nd generation kpop as well. I started to dislike the style of music that Kpop was turning towards, and I noticed how saturated it was with random groups that couldn’t even leave a mark. I also noticed its immense rise in overall popularity: Kpop was becoming more and more mainstream at a rapid rate, and I was having none of it. Instead, I began to venture into k-indie, acoustic, soul, and simply put, healing songs. I turned to artists like Eddy Kim, Davichi, Baek Jiyoung, Kim Feel, Echae En Route, Roy Kim (one my truest loves), Ggotjam Project, Clazziquai Project, Urban Zakapa, Kassy, Fromm, and many, many, many more. I have had the blessing to watch these almost-nobody artists grow, release more music, gain a tad bit more recognition, and simply become even more amazing than they already were back when I discovered them at their early stages. (Sam Kim would debut later, in 2016, and blow me away as well. In fact, all the Antenna Angels). The music from these artists, kept me alive in a similar, yet different way, than Infinite had in years past. I didn’t need to know their faces or ages or personalities or honestly, anything, about them, to feel instantaneously better. These artists and their songs were healing, in a way where the only thing that truly mattered, was their voice.

A quick story about Kim Feel, who has come to be my all time favorite artist whom I would die for: I came across a song from Younha called 없어, and it blew me away. It was gorgeous. A hip hop duo, named Elupant featured in this song and I simply became aware of their name through this track. A few months later, Elupant would release the single Crater featuring. Kim Feel. I gave the song a chance because I vaguely knew of them, and I was once again, blown away. I did not know who this vocalist, Kim Feel, was, but I knew that he was indescribably amazing at singing, and something about his voice was just so different. For months, I wouldn’t even know what Kim Feel looked like. I barely knew that he was a singer because I had only seen his name from that one song, and his WIkipedia page didn’t even exist at that time. Then, in mid-June of 2015, I saw somewhere on Facebook that Kim Feel was releasing his first mini album, and that’s when I finally got some decent exposure to him. I finally saw what he looked like, how he placed second on SSK5, and how he had released several singles here and there in the past. His mini album, Feel Free, was everything I didn’t know I wanted, and I loved it to death. Later, he would go on to perform on Immortal Songs 2 and literally make me cry ugly tears from just one performance. Kim Feel is an artist that I got to know and fall in love solely through his voice and music and nothing else. That is the true beauty about singer-songwriters. He is an absolutely amazing artist and has come to be my most cherished one. Unfortunately, he is currently serving in the army right now, but my soul will always belong to Kim Feel and his music.

I didn’t really like kpop anymore.

Book 7

I want this part of my story to simply be about my current thoughts on kpop, in this moment in time, over a decade after first being exposed to this entire culture. In this book, I will pick apart the sort of darker sides in the Korean pop music industry, which are easily overlooked amidst the fervor of fans and idols and flashing lights. This is a perspective that I have come to hone throughout years of observance and trials and growth, and simply maturing into an adult alongside the ever-changing industry itself. My view of kpop has come to change in a way in which I no longer support several aspects of it. There are simply things that go on within the industry that I want nothing to deal with. Things that I have may have enjoyed in the past are now things that I do not need in my life any longer. Please remember that kpop goes beyond music and idols. It is a lifestyle. For many people, it is a way of living about their daily lives: listening to their favorite group’s music, watching countless videos and shows of them, keeping up with their daily whereabouts and activities, knowing their birthdays and family members and personal details, and simply associating themselves with their favorite group in any way possible, as much as possible. For many kpop fans, it goes beyond liking a group’s music: it is liking their looks, personalities, habits, style, affiliations, it is liking everything. It is true that this isn’t the case for nearly every fan in kpop, but I think it is safe to say that it is a common practice amongst many kpop fans. People come to live for these groups, but of course, there is nothing wrong with that. No one knows how to breathe and wake up every day and live for a kpop group better than I do. But I want to make one very important point clear: Kpop is a market and everything is a concept. Now, let me elaborate a little bit more.

1) It is a factory.

I do not recall it being this bad in the past, but nowadays, I can say for sure that groups are debuting left and right, nonstop, almost every week, or even every day. It’s just too much. Too saturated. Talent is exploited.

2) Most of these kids lack talent.

I know that every single new rookie isn’t completely talent-less, but in such a relentless industry, and especially nowadays with the sheer amount of people trying to break through, all these girls and boys look the exact same to me. Long ago, I gave up on getting into and keeping track of rookies. I decided that they I preferred my golden groups, the ones that defined that my own kpop era, and that they were the only ones I really had time for anyway. I am not saying this applies to all of them, because of course there are always exceptions. Take the latest show, The UNIT, for example. These people are supposed to be already debuted idols, looking for another shot at fame. Yet, the most jarring thing I noticed, especially with the females, is that they can’t even sing. Is that not a basic? These girls were out there on stage belting flat notes left and right and it was atrocious. It blew my mind, because even on P101, trainees who haven’t even had “experience” like those idols had, could sing significantly better. I don’t remember when the standard to become an idol dropped so low, but it is outright disappointing to me. For me personally, a nice face or some cool dance moves or a wholesome personality is not going to make you worthy of being an idol. You have to be a performer. And if you can’t even accomplish the basics, as in pull off the right notes, then why even try?

3) There is a lack of self-expression.

This is something that could be argued from several angles, and I am glad to agree that the stereotype has been changing more and more these days, towards a better direction. But if we are to speak straight from the debut days of Boyfriend or Infinite, or even SNSD for example, then the story is a little bit less complicated. It is simple: many of these groups are forced to do things that they do not necessarily want to or choose to do. Although it varies, almost every aspect of these people’s lives is controlled by their companies. The songs they sing, the dances that they dance to, the clothes they wear, the places they go to, the food they eat, the people they have to meet, and sometimes, even the things they say. These are very frequently not 100% under the artists’ complete control. And that is simply… pretty hard to grasp, but certainly true in most situations. Hence the “everything is a concept”. Because it really is. Many of the things that these artists do are a part of a concept that they must pull off, an image that they must present to the public, whether that is their true self or not, little do we ever know. Hoya’s talk about his departure from Infinite and Woollim does a really good job of exposing this sort of culture that goes on behind the scenes. Of course, nowadays at least, many artists are receiving more musical freedom and even the opportunity to partake in the very creation and composition of their own music.

4) Kpop idols are HUMAN.

This is one that I want to emphasize as if my life depends on it. Time and time again, I think the fact that kpop idols are human is something that people seem to completely disregard. I have never seen a fanbase as cruel and scrutinizing as the kpop fanbase. It almost downright scares me. Sasaeng fans are a reality that I wish did not exist, because they are just so rude, inconsiderate, and intense. Those manic, excessive fans really make me fear for idols’ wellbeing. Furthermore, there are so, so, soooo many incidents in which a Korean artist would do this or do that or say this or that and the situation is completely, totally, blown out of proportion. I have read articles about complaints that made absolutely no sense. I want to make this clear: Nobody's perfect, and neither are kpop stars. They will make mistakes, more than once if anything. But how, in the world, in any universe, does that give people permission to write hate comments at them? To bash on every little thing about them? To write petitions for them to leave their respective groups completely? Why do people think that is okay? Why do people not understand that, just like you and me, and anyone else, kpop stars have feelings. Is that so hard to believe? That no matter how small of a word or phrase you use to hurt them, you are instilling hate regardless. And that is not okay. It is never okay. Because they are human. The world, fans, no one, will never really know what is going on in an idol’s life. I do not want to make this part solely about Kim Jonghyun, but I think it is only right to mention him here. It was stated time and time again that Jonghyun was suffering from severe depression, to an extent where he took his own life. And the entire kpop world fell into complete shambles since then. Does this make it more transparent for everyone? That hate comments, that inner feelings and emotions, that all of these things are very real aspects of idols’ lives. It is so extremely hard, for me personally, to watch these idols become decreased to shoddy titles and names over the smallest of incidents. The hate needs to stop. Kpop idols are humans. Please.

5) The exhaustive work schedules.

This basically stems from the whole humanizing kpop idols thing. But I absolutely despise of the fact that is it common for idols to faint on stage, become hospitalized for over-exhaustion, or take breaks to recover. I have one simple question: Why do we have to work them until they reach that point? Are their bodies and capabilities expendable objects or something? Why is it okay? Why is it common for crying out loud? These people are literally worked to their limit, for several weeks on end. Once again, I’d like to point out that they are not invincible gods with undying strength. They are humans. There just has to be something done about the ridiculous work schedules that these people have to deal with. It just is not okay.

6) Companies are milking fans for their money.

This one is a big statement. It is not necessarily completely true for every single company, but it is definitely not wrong in any way at all. Think about why a company would start up a group in the first place. To give these hard working people a chance in the limelight out of generosity because they totally deserve it? No, of course not lol. There is a win-win situation within a lot of these groups, or at least the more successful ones. They earn lots and lots of money, a large portion of which goes straight to company, while also becoming famous and etc etc everything else they’ve always wanted. But companies are playing a game at the same time, marketing these groups to any extent possible. Ever wonder why groups frequently venture into the Japanese market? Ever wonder why groups have to release 4952548 different versions of one simple album (which is totally a newer-generation-of-kpop trend. groups in the past never did this)? Ever wonder why Lee Soo Man purposely created a multicultural group when it probably would’ve been much easier to just make a purely Korean one? Everything in the kpop industry, and I mean everything comes down to money. That is the reality of it. It is a market.

6) The music no longer sounds like kpop to me.

With the massive rise to global stardom that a lot of current day groups have acquired has come the musical shift into which, in my opinion, the overall sound of kpop is very much more westernized. Many groups are following the trend of releasing music that is edm, trap, tropical house, dupstep, etc -oriented. And for me, I’m not digging it. I fell in love with kpop because of sounds like Big Bang’s and Infinite’s older music. But now, the music is so completely different. A lot of these songs honestly just sound like something I would hear playing on the American radio. Which may just be the goal anyway. But for me, if kpop just sounds like everything else now, why would I listen to it? I originally liked it because it was different, and didn’t sound like everything else I was already hearing. But now it just does. Sigh.

7) There has been a complete generation shift.

This is something that I talk about extensively to my friends and peers. I’d like to say that it is something that I am very passionate about. There isn’t a day in which a part of me isn’t internally mourning about the death of my kpop generation. I think the generational shift becomes more and more apparent as time goes by: look at the groups that were active 5 years ago, and compare them to now. Are any of them even the same? Probably not. And that sort of reality pains me a lot. I understand that it’s simply about growth, getting over it, and moving on. But I’ll always reminisce from time to time. Here are the groups that defined my generation of kpop, and what happened to them:

Big Bang: indefinite hiatus (TOP is in the army, w/ the others well on their way)

SHINee: active (this one breaks my heart even more because not only did I constantly commend SHINee for staying whole and active, despite their apparent downfall in popularity and relevance, I was just always thankful for their undying perseverance as an older generation group. The loss of Jonghyun completely broke my heart because it was a reality I never wanted to believe in. I’m still in shock and it really does hurt to think how SHINee’s name will now forever go down in tragedy rather than legendary)

SNSD: indefinite hiatus (this one is a little hazy. It has been stated that the name of SNSD lives on, despite the members being in different companies. A sliver of hope remains for them)

2NE1: disbanded (first they lost Minzy, and then they completely fell apart)

LEDApple: disbanded (or at least i think so?? The members moved around all over the place and I’m pretty sure no one is left)

2PM: indefinite hiatus (Taec is in the army, while the others are doing their own thang for now. I have faith that they’ll return as 6 one day, though. Fight on, 2PM <3)

B1A4: active (i got to see them in feb, too, bless up)

ZE:A: indefinite hiatus (all the members are in separate companies. Minwoo & Taeheon returned from the army already while Kwanghee, Heechul, and Siwan are currently serving. The rest have been doing their own things as well. In fact, Kevin resides in Australia now. They have stated several times that despite being in different places and companies, the group has not officially disbanded yet. It warms my heart to think that there is still hope for them.)

U-KISS: active (they lost Kevin and AJ and Dongho in the year past and I know they’re still managing to stay alive with the addition of Jun as well)

Teen Top: hiatus (L.Joe was caught up in some messy legal stuff with his company and seemed to have left the industry as a whole in a rather ugly way… it definitely hurt to watch this pan out in the way that it did… nonetheless, Teen Top is basically still irrelevant anyway, despite the multiple comebacks they’ve had in years past.)

4Minute: disbanded (;__;)

Super Junior: active (this is such a blessing, honestly, to have Super Junior alive and active, despite alllllll the shit they’ve been through these past years. I know they’re definitely on the older side, but these guys are absolute legends and it makes me so happy to see them still together, even if just partially)

f(x): indefinite hiatus (their last release was in 2015 which means it’s almost been 3 freaking years since we last saw them active as 4, after Sulli’s departure. Wow… I really do hope to see them soon)

Apink: active (but barely relevant…They were also once 7, until Yookyung left in 2012, I believe.)

Girls Day: active (but not as relevant as they were before, either. Their recent, occasional releases have been decent, but not good enough to be big. They also technically lost a member before, too.)

BEAST: active as Highlight (They lost Hyunseung, and then they all left Cube. Miraculously, these boys kept themselves afloat and even established their own label together, as five. I am honestly so happy for what they have accomplished and even though it sucks that we’ll never hear the name BEAST in same way or affiliation anymore, these five guys are still going strong. I think they proved to me that they really do enjoy being idols, which is kinda rare considering how long they’ve been active in the industry)

VIXX: active (and probably one of the most relevant idols out of this list)

Miss A: disbanded (it was unclear for a while, but also pretty obvious because each member went their separate way. But JYP recently declared their disbandment official)

Sistar: disbanded (they were active for exactly 7 years, debuting and disbanding on the same exact day. This one definitely hurt)

BAP: active (they took a long hiatus somewhere in between, but it was well-deserved considering how ridiculously active they were back then. They still come back quite often nowadays, but it is unfortunately safe to say that they no longer leave the same impact as they did years before)

KARA: disbanded (despite adding Youngji after Nicole and Jiyoung left, they couldn’t last long enough. this one also hurt because of how spot-on their music always was for me.)

MBLAQ: indefinite hiatus (the name itself still lives on, and they never officially declared disbandment. but MBLAQ is probably one of the only groups that will go down in pure tragedy in my heart because I really did, truly, love them to death at one point. The departure of Lee Joon and Thunder threw this group into shambles and they barely managed to come back once as a trio, until their company disintegrated before our eyes and screwed them over even more. These boys used to be top of the top, dominating the industry in every way possible, musically and in variety shows, too. But lately, in fact, not even that recently, G.O. had taken to his personal social media to reveal the mistreatment and basically the complete shit they had to go through as idols. He was utterly traumatized by his experiences in the industry, to a point where he never wanted to sing again. But he talked about how the other 2 members gave him strength, as well as the few fans that were left to support him. MBLAQ literally dissolved into ashes right before my eyes, yet no one, and I mean no one, has been talking about this. They honestly just went through so much and have lost a lot as well. It hurt so bad to watch such an amazing group fall apart so fast, without even making a sound. Fuck the industry.)

Wonder Girls: disbanded (these legendary girls first faced the departure of Sun, and then Sohee. Sunmi was added into the mix after a very long hiatus, but they lasted for about 2 years until they officially disbanded)

T-Ara: indefinite hiatus (this group has faced a ferocious path of ups and downs. First with Hwayoung, and her departure, then with Areum and her departure as well, and then the very sudden departure of Soyeon and Boram. The four remaining members have decided to not renew their contracts with their current agency, but it is unclear if T-Ara still really exists at all at this point.)

Block B: active (and thankfully pretty relevant, I think)

Boyfriend: hiatus (Donghyun is on the Unit right now. I know they haven’t been super active in the past years, but when they tried, it was lackluster. They’ve definitely lost a lot of the momentum they once had years ago :( )

After School: indefinite hiatus (so many members have “graduated” in the past years, that only five are left now. I honestly can’t recall the last time they released music, but I can tell it’s been a very long time…)

CN Blue: active (but unfortunately very irrelevant anyway. They celebrated their 8th anniversary recently though! Congrats (: )

Rainbow: disbanded (so so so sad…)

Infinite: active (bless the heavens. Hoya’s departure shattered my world and I was admittedly a sobbing mess for several days on end. But their impending comeback is going to warm my heart and ears, I just know it. It’s been a good one whole year and a third since I last saw them come back. I have definitely missed their once steadfast presence. Welcome back, my loves <3 )

Welp, that was quite refreshing, to take a quick peek at the histories of these groups that once defined my middle school years. It definitely hurts to count how many times I had to write “disbanded” or “indefinite hiatus” because of how unclear and shaky a lot of these groups’ futures look. It has been pretty obvious for a while, that with the progressive crumbling of this once sturdy, strong, and seemingly invincible gang of groups, a new era of groups has been ushered in to take center stage and render the rest of the once-legends weak and irrelevant. Groups that used to make headlines on the daily basis and smash charts consistently are now barely hanging onto existence in the industry. It is quite painful to watch. There are many times where I just want to go back to those days where the names and faces and songs that were “mainstream” were the ones that I could actually recognize and enjoy. Now, it is quite the opposite. Adieu, my generation of kpop.

I just really don’t like kpop anymore. (but I still like Korean music! :) )

#kmusic #kpop #korean pop music #the untold story #this took a really time tbh #but it has been on my mind a lot #maybe this is like my final farewell to my once beloved kpop days aha #it will always hold a special place in my heart #but ive just kinda moved on from that phase #it's just not the same #but at least infinite is coming back!!#(:

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